benzoinic

[benzoinic]

Conspiracy

Imagine that on the very day of your psychiatrist's appointment a fuckin storm destroys the electric grid and you need to reschedule for next Saturday. What is this? Why? Who's playing with me and what kind of sadistic game is this? I'm spending money that I couldn't spend because I'm desperate and too tired to get my gun license. What's all about? I'm just trying to get better, trying my last shot on this and for the First time in my life I got almost 30 hours without electricity. In 47 years, never happened. I'm on denial,Xanax is not working, my body is hot, I'm kind of nervous. Tired, nervous, whatever. It's hard to close my eyes and try not to think "why". If you want to kill me , so it. What am I missing here? Global warming, wars, inflation, endless work, a broken life. I don't have a single reason to be here and honestly I don't think that someone would miss me for real. I'm just useful, just like that. I have at least 10 people that would spit in my grave and I would say "I deserve that". Even though I had no idea what I was doing, people got hurt.

Why am I awake yet? Last night was terrible, I had a shitty day, I thought that I was sleep in a blink of an eye. I'm pissed off, that's why.

[benzoinic]

On a wire

Every day I reach a new level of sadness and pain. After more than 4 years I reached the point zero. I need professional aid so I scheduled a paid psychiatrist on Saturday. A fair price considering the fact that all my appointments before was less than 15 minutes. Living like this is rehearsals for hell, I know that won't get better for itself, then I'll give a try. Probably it will pay off, free stuff are crap, generally speaking. You can't expect a 500 hour paid doctor working for the public health department. For the poor, the poorest. Imagine having money to pay the best professional in every part of your life. The best builder, the best food, the best gear, microphones, a fender by fender. Money, the best antidepressant.

[benzoinic]

Forced turkey

Well, imagine a place where nothing works, not even you. Monday was a waste of time. I gave up about the trip to Itapetininga, I'm not ready for this. Time to wait. The weather is wet, the houses are bananas. Chill out and quit the damn drug, things will be easier without this crap. I'm tired of this shit. Really.

[benzoinic]

Another week

Went to bed too early. Avoided the PC, wake up 2 am. It's almost 4 am. Caught in the bad loop. Bad sleep, bad day. Anxiety hitting hard because Wednesday visit. I'll probably cancel it. I'm under a bad weather and tomorrow will be bad, this week seems doomed. Well, Xanax is doing its work. I'm enslaved by this shitty drug and I can't move forward. I need the courage to start now. I've failed again but everyday is a new chance to win. That's what I'm going to do. I'll not ask for prescription. I'm going through this process again. I need to check what's behind this wall. Considering the odds, the weather, the time is now. Let's cancel tomorrow's prescription schedule, cancel the Itapetininga visit and get into the rabbit hole. It can't be worse than this feeling right now. I'm feeling bad, miserable, incapable of doing a small task. There's no uphill anymore, it's Dante's inferno right through it. A month, I need a month. It's not going to change any of my plans. It's raining all the time, it's not hot and there's the house "crisis" só, what's up? The conscious mind is clear: the drug is not helping. That's the right time to quit. The addiction keep telling me lies" if you sleep you'll be able to do stuff". Lies. I sleep, wake up tired and more depressed. Then, there's more anxiety because I want to to move but I can't do the basics

Actually I can't take a shower. When I'm not under its dark energy I feel some old feelings like play, move, see people. Now it's just another level. It's drug addiction. I reached the bottom. Quit. There's only one way out of this. Quit.

[benzoinic]

I can't process this information

Yesterday the real agent was ok about Wednesdays visit, now out of the blue someone was interested in the house. Feels like I'm not allowed to live there, I don't know. And I'm pissed about my prescription, perhaps a blessing in disguise, without the drug I have no other option than quit, so I'm quitting. Nice day to quit, February 1st. I'll remember this day like I remember the day that I sold my hair. Man up and quit this shit, I don't need that. There's a list of pros, not cons. Free yourself from this cycle, drug yourself, buy more drugs, get a new prescription, get depressed, drugstore, waste money to sleep, there's absolutely nothing good about that. If I'm really going to stay here for a little while, I'll make it happen. Fuck Xanax.

[benzoinic]

Shitty place, shitty week

I had to dodge a lot today to avoid the worse. From the real agent to my prescription being "lost", I kept my sanity. The thing is, living here is impossible. I need to go further and try harder but not here. I can deal with a house with cracks, or a small cottage but this place is outrageous. You have nothing, it's like living in 1910, luckily my anger was transformed in willpower. I found another real agent ready with a builder available initially for Wednesday. Looks promising, so I'll keep my spirit high. The second plan, Conchas is somewhat possible in order to leave this place and reduce the amount of work demanded to keep this place clean. I'm not worried about the docs, the place seems safe and it's a little bit better than this nightmare. I always liked Conchas so, with an AC the sky is the limit. A third house in Ibiúna, unfortunately in a place not so beautiful but at least cold. It's like that triangle to find a girlfriend....crazy, hot and intelligent...you can pick just two. So if it's a cool place the neighborhood is a little bit crappy, if it's a good place the house needs repair. If you want to keep the same atmosphere with less problems I'll need an AC. There's no escape. Terrific. Tonight I'm not going to play DD till 5 Am and fuck my Saturday. It's almost 22h and I need to sleep to get rid of this horrendous January. Time dilatetion is real, January took 3 months to end. Let's finish this.

[benzoinic]

600 days

It's all around. The real state market is out of control. Bananas. I can buy a charming, wonderful, dreamy house in Northern part of France but not here in Piedade. Guess what, it's more expensive than a house in Northern part of France, in the mountains. So I entered in a state of wait. Two years can take to my citizenship get ready so, I can opt to stay here and wait for the market calm down and till, wait for my citizenship. Meanwhile I'm trying to make things less terrible. Move to Itapetininga would be perfect but I could try negotiate that cottage in Conchas to have less work. Part of the money would be invested, I will install a AC on my room for emergency and that's enough. So I got 1 house to go, 1 to check if it's possible to fix the cracks. It's been hard to make it work, but I can wait for my citizenship in Conchas with a AC in my bedroom.

Leave Brazil inject some energy, a strange will to fight against this aberration. I'm not supposed to live here, I'm a Portuguese grandson and deserves my citizenship. 600 day. Now I'm in terms with the universe. I'll play its game, the "great things moves a lot of energy". I'm moving and it's working, perhaps that is the real path to follow. Things aren't that terrible. I'll manage this.

[benzoinic]

I gave up

Whoever it's playing against me, ok, you won. The engine is clunky, the gears are blocked. I'll have to learn to live here for indeterminate time. Some buyer with 200k or my Portuguese citizenship. My hope is leaving this country, so that's my goal now. At least two years while the world is burning and I'm wasting my life here in this butthole. Honestly I just took the Xanax and went to play dragons dogma, I don't want to deal with it. It's too fresh, I can't process the information. Everything went wrong and this time it's for real. Every possible corner possible to live I checked. The prices are out of touch. Well, that's it. Wait for the winter, buy a cheap AC, put it in the window, two years will fly. No one will going to visit the house so I'm free, I clean the weed when the weather get better. That is the game, so fuck off and die.

[benzoinic]

El Pueblo s miasms

My neighbor died yesterday. Heart attack, just 44 y.o. Right after the new year's party. This place is at least weird I'd say. There's some kind of energy that cast some freezing or bad mood all the time. I don't know exactly how to explain or are just the fuckin drugs lying to me. Today I had the 0.5 mg of Xanax that I should quit in December but I lost the battle. There's a loop, a kind of mind trap that keeps me where I'm. Again, the same thing. I can't sleep without the drug, so I wake up tired, can't do anything and after two weeks I'm defeated then I'm back to Xanax hoping for some boosting but it doesn't work, the process is reinitialized and nothing works. There's a small change that emerges when I'm quitting even though I can't do anything because I'm sleepless. I'm in a loop of weeks trying to fix this but I was really hoping to quit and feel better, but I can't stop feeling useless, I can't blame the weather because there were day that I wasted because the inconsistency. I miss the last year when I was able to wake up, grab a hoe with my radio and remove the weed manually. Strangely, I was using Xanax and my mood were different. What happened? My two trips to Itapetininga was under the wings of Xanax. It's 3 am, it's already tomorrow and the day is lost. Anyway today a storm hit us during the morning, the ground is drenched, it's a shitty weather, if it's not too hot, it's soaked in water. And I'm still figuring out a solution. Rely on just one single house to buy and risk to pay rent. The alternative is complicated and I don't know if I could manage that task so I'm lost and hopeless.

[benzoinic]

Fasting and quitting

I'm slowly quitting Xanax. From 4. To 1 mg today, no carbs, actually I'm fasting for two days and it's pretty good. Sounds strange but not eating change your body routine and rest some organs from processing food every day. Feeling less miserable, brain regaining its functions due to less amount of drug. The lack of pressure, the anxiety to sell this house, find a place to go, that was killing me. Now I'm dealing with alternatives. Perhaps the cracked home in Itapetininga wasn't that bad idea. I checked a house in Ponta Grossa, dude, same shithole. Those people outside, wrecked cars everywhere, you could put Final fight soundtrack there and start beat people, place was nasty. Now I know that things should be checked and double checked. I'm planning visit the house with a builder to check the cracks and how to solve that problem and if it's not too serious. But I'm hopeful about that house, I'm so exposed to high temperatures here that Itapetininga will blow like Monte Verde. And I like that house, it's promising. I'll try this encounter next week like Thursday or Friday. Depending on the results, I will organize my schedule, fix what I need to fix here and go full power to sell this house at minimum price possible. I know I can work keeping the 1mg to avoid the withdrawal. I can feel, 4 mg is a killer dose, I'm feeling amazing with less Xanax. Some stuff like playing and start recording again is popping around my mind. This is great. This is the plan. Stick to the plan.

[benzoinic]

Into the wild

I took a time off the games, watched into the wild. Not the "movie of my life" because the guy was clearly problematic in a different way. I'm trapped in a life that I never wanted and chemical depressed. Not a single problem with money or comfort, honestly, this is my problem. 100k extra would put me in a better situation for sure. A nice guitar, a cooler place to live. Today I officially suspended the house sale. That's not what I was planning but the things aren't going well. The wrong decision, another mistake, all the same problems and mistakes. I'm not going to psychiatrist tomorrow, just the regular shopping and suffering from the existence. What a day.

[benzoinic]

Almost the same, but worse

I have not decided yet if I'm going or not to psychiatrist. I know my problems and I have been taking different drugs for years. It's unlikely to happen this butthole doctor nailed. What I'm going to do is suspend the visits until I have some idea on how to get out of here. The equation "sold now what" is what killing me. it's almost 4am again, I'm not going to cut any grass or fixing the cracks on the floor. The Itapetininga idea wasn't that bad but I'm permitting lying to myself. The same thing here when I discovered that the house had no full documents but I wanted to solve the problem fast and easy. Now the harvesting. I'm lying because there are signs of something wrong in the kitchen. That wall the the pieces about to fall. I know what it is. My house I'm Boituva was the same, one night a huge part of the wall behind the door fell and I knew that was because the house had structural issues. Itapetininga case is even worse, a door isn't opening anymore, builders and civil engineers are clear about that: doors or windows that are not closing, cracks with more than 1cm of space, it's red flags. All red flags. Another mistake that could make me lost my home because if some authority check that house, we would need to leave immediately. Reality check, there will be no Itapetininga nor hotter cities with my heating resistance increased. Bullshit. What will going to happen is search and check live those houses in south, because it's the only possible scenario. Easy to imagine, but as least not buying a condemned house and throwing my money on the trash.

Tomorrow I'll warn the visitor to cancel the visit and understand what's exactly happening, what is not easy to understand or solve. Officially fucked.

[benzoinic]

I need that like a shoot in the head

There's almost nothing to say about today. But if I had a gun, I wasn't writing this words.

[benzoinic]

A plan about to crash

As I promised my day was dedicated to browse for houses. I was wrong about Ponta Grossa and there's no "plenty of cheap houses". The inflation is global. Most of houses were sold or rented. It's over. Time to analize the options, check alternatives, but I'm so tired of this. If this place wasn't a shithole I would give up and stay and fuck off. But all this work and heat for nothing in return, dude I'm stucked here.

[benzoinic]

A long day, up and down the hill

The day was a rollercoaster. I managed to wake up 9am, it was great, no bad humour, nothing, classic post Xanax sleep. All chores checked with bonus, I fixed the barbed wire and the fence then got some mangoes to the neighbor....that had two heart attacks and it's basically dead. Since December 30th. This fact was pretty shocking and honestly I'm very surprised because she's only 44y.o. we met her one afternoon here under the mango tree waiting for the electrician. She was very friendly, always happy and smiling. I know that weren't close friends but she invited us to a party in December, it's surreal. This place smells death. My father, Cris and now her... I confess that some sadness took part of me, I had plans to browse for houses but I went to bed, sleep a little and finish RE4 and almost separate ways but I really need to sleep. It wasn't a good new, for sure.

[benzoinic]

Hope

Let's keep it quiet, but I woke up better today. Xanax is boosting my brain again because I'm taking the whole dose. Now I need to adjust the time. Midnight will be my guess, but not "playing high" as I used to. It's take the drug and go to bed, no playing while stoned. Resident evil is too hard, tense, different from dragons dogma and the submissions, almost all parts of the game are incredible hard. That's why I just played a little and stopped, even though I'm pretty sure that my brain shouldn't be exposed to that level of tension.

Ponta Grossa is back to the game, actually it's the only way out of here. Checked a lot of cheap houses, the add from Olx is offline so I should make it different. Check for the houses, then restart the process of selling here. I'm planning something like after the psychiatrist, just to give me time to reschedule my brain, but I'm pretty sure that breaking this barrier would make me feel more confident. Firstly, I checked the houses before close the deal here. Secondly, the feeling of unknown would take place with a feeling of hope, that's because I could sell here faster for a lower price because I know where to go.

That's my word. I don't accept being here forever. I'll fight, my brains, my stupid fears.... I'll dissipate them like smoke, that's what they are: smoke. There's no threatening, no damage, just a better life in a better place, as the universe is telling me even with real agents that appears out of blue. And know how to do. Stop thinking that things are obstacles. They're are just steps and I'm full growth man to be afraid of ghosts.

[benzoinic]

Stinky

I Don't remember last time I had a shower. I can smell that acid smell of dirty skin. I'm feeling a lot worse these days. I'm hoping that returning to Xanax boost my brain as reward. I need a little spark of life, just enough to do the basic. I'm really deep into it and I need hope....or a rope.