#WHEN I TELL YOU THIS EPISODE FUCKED ME RIGHT UP!!!!!
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space-blue · 20 hours ago
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Fixing Vander and Silco's story (a bit)
Using canon events! Sadly we can't actually fix it, but I hope this makes it a little better. I make my own edit proposal at the end that changes the bar scene to include Felicia without issues.
They meet in the mines, and meet Felicia and her partner there too. They end up together somehow (I think we can put the brotherly allegations to rest now, eh?) and one of them (or both) inherit/buy a bar.
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Although Vander is the barman, there is no indication Silco doesn't own or co-own the place. After all he comes to take it eventually as his own, and he's still not bartending. That's just not his gig.
It's implied that Vander and Silco made it, as in, got away from the mines, while Felicia clearly didn't, as she comes home to both her daughters with mining gear and gloves.
So despite Vander and Silco building the Lanes together, the mines aren't closed, and the work "isn't done".
Felicia says they've done it, and Vander is happy to celebrate their success. Meanwhile, Silco has his "NoZ" Nation of Zaun book in which he's scribbling, still planning.
Vander's first memory that Viktor sees even has Silco holding that book.
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Later, in season 1 episode 3, we see that Vander tells Silco that he had Vander's respect, the Lanes' respect, but it "was never enough".
There's also this fakeout moment in the memory at the bar, where Vander says they're done, and Silco replies with "You're gravely mistaken". And I thought he was going to go all zealous and say "We'll only be done when we have the Nation of Zaun", but no, he claims he's Bozo 1.
And imo, he is probably right. He calls out Vander in act 1 saying "I trusted you and you betrayed me", and Vander does not contest this. It makes the most in character sense as well that Silco is the brains of the operation while Vander is the brawn.
And we can conclude that Silco's goals were always "bigger" and that the Lanes were indeed not enough.
Years pass, during which we can only assume Silco keeps building his Nation of Zaun and Vander happily bartends and manages the Lanes with Silco. Felicia keeps working the mines and raises Vi, then Powder.
Vi is at least 11, if not more, by the time she's on the bridge. This is just consistent with her model, but also to make her 18+ by the time of act 2.
It's a long ass time for Vander and Silco to be running a bar and the Lanes together. Even assuming Vi is more 8 or 9yo, Vander and Silco spend all that time being together.
Sadly, their models aren't aged very well.
We are also forced here to make some unfortunate assumptions.
It's not a problem, IMO, for Silco to know Felicia and be close to her. It's a problem for him to not be close to Vi and Powder too. Close enough to recognise them at least.
It's easy to say, "Well, Felicia went back to the mines and raised her kids and wasn't super involved with Vander and Silco, who lived much higher up in their bar." Adult friendships and all that.
IT MAKES SENSE, but then it makes zero sense that Vander would murder his life's partner, a man he's been with 10 years at MINIMUM (fuck knows how long they were together while in the mines), over the death of a friend in a revolt they allegedly BOTH participated in.
The memories also imply that Silco is responsible somehow, for throwing a molotov. And yet the molotov doesn't kill the enforcer.
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But Vander is shown in the opening of Act 1 season 1 pummeling one to death himself, long after the rest of the revolt has died down. That enforcer wasn't getting back up lol
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So whatever we pick, because the writers made Felicia and Silco close, they create a plot hole either way.
Either Vander is whacko and murders his husband over a dead friend at a revolt he set up (since he repeatedly apologises for what he did, and claims he "lost his head after she died" and had that guilt on his hands too)
Or Silco and Vi and Powder spend ALL of season 1 acting like they don't know each other at all. Then Silco takes in Powder and somehow never comments on the fact he was friends with her mom.
Everything being triggered by Felicia's death also means that Vander's emotional thematic moment dropping the gauntlets after seeing what his violence led to is then followed up by a horrible attempted murder on the love of his life, which is... you know. Bad writing.
So I propose that they indeed drift apart. Silco knows of Felicia's kids, and they hangout a bit, but they aren't that close. She's busy mining and being a mom, and Silco is busy making the safe Zaun he promised to deliver.
The creation of that Zaun leads them to act out revolts and uprisings. Vander is happy to follow. He's angry, like he tells Vi. And this manifests in violence. Silco points his violence. It's how they create the Lanes and the moniker of Hound of the Underground. A hound usually has a master, after all.
Vander is Silco's hound, and I think, in Vander's mind this absolves him of some of the consequences of his actions.
So when his friend dies on the Bridge, even if they haven't been that close in a while, well, it's easy to put the blame on Silco.
Since we're following the new canon timeline... we'll have to have him go back with the girls, ready to turn a new leaf.
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I think the best way here is to have him either dropping them at an orphanage, or back at their home (trusting Vi to look after Powder for a while) or with friends.
That way, Vi and Powder aren't immediately in Silco's legs back at the drop.
Then Vander and Silco take part in the "clean up" at the bridge. They go get bodies, and since they have no real estate in the fissures, they commit them to the sea (we have canon monsters in there, so I'm sure it all gets gobbled up).
That way, we explain why Vander is weirdly shaved, and why Silco and him are at in the Pilt: they just commited the bodies of the fallen to the waters.
There may have been many others, but Silco and Vander stay there, in the shallows, as they talk.
Vander is done. He doesn't want more of this. He thinks Silco went too far with pushing this one to the bridge. Piltover got defensive and they lost too many people.
Silco doesn't get it. Where he goes, so does Vander, but Vander is his own man, he decided to come too, and he killed enforcers too. Felicia's death is tragic, but as he later will tell Renni about the death of her son: at least she died fighting for the cause, and not some petty infighting, or worse, an accident at the shitty mines.
Vander, the Hound, is not only mad with grief, he refuses to carry the blame of his own actions. It's a character flaw and that's fine! The angry man channels that anger with violence, the only way he knows how.
Silco is probably shocked, and may not say the right things to calm Vander down.
Silco is under the assumption that Vander BELIEVES IN HIS DREAM. That he's a true believer of the Nation of Zaun, like Sevika turns out to be. A true believer would understand sacrifice. A true believer would understand too, that stopping now, after Felicia's death, would make THAT VERY DEATH POINTLESS.
So maybe he screams at Vander! What do you MEAN abandoning the fight? What do you mean, being content with the Lanes? How dare you? You'd make her sacrifice meaningless! You'd make Felicia die a pointless death!
And Vander would bellow that it's over. No more death. No more bloodshed. He rescued her kids from that bridge, and they don't deserve to die too, they don't deserve to see more death.
And Silco screams back that it's their job to create Zaun so these children won't have to see more death. Vander is just delaying the struggle.
And then, perhaps, Silco may even mock him. Say that Vander can't change like that. That he's not that sort of person, to just hang up his gauntlets and go peaceful. That Felicia's blood is on his hands too, and that the only way out is through more blood, more sacrifice.
It would be a horrible point to make, if then Vander truly loses it. Silco runs, and Vander's hound comes out, just grabbing Silco and trying to drown him.
It would be poetic, because then Vander goes home in shame. Gets his arm patched up, hides the scar under a brace, collects the kids and tries to pretend like HE CAN BE THAT MAN. Even though he surrendered his gauntlets and metaphorical violence, and tries to lean into the bartender chill persona, there's what he did to Silco.
And later he'll tell Vander "I'll show you what you really are". Because Silco knows that Vander's promises of being a peaceful good dad are flimsy at best.
Anyway, Vander goes home, and eventually the impact of what he's done really hits him. He's single now, and with kids, and the Lanes to run, and nobody knows where Silco is.
Vander slowly realises Silco was right about one thing. Just because Vander followed, doesn't mean he wasn't behind that event on the bridge. Becoming the solo leader of the Lanes has to have hammered that home for him. Suddenly so much responsibility thrust on him.
So Felicia's death was on him too, and his actions against Silco are the proof that he is indeed the sort of man Silco said he was. At any rate, surrendering violence as his first reaction to any trigger will take a lot of work.
He goes to their old hideout and leaves a letter for Silco.
In the happy AU, Silco finds it, and returns to Vander BEFORE ever meeting Singed. There is no glowing eye, no shimmer, and no cannery.
In our AU, Silco never finds the letter. He finds Singed instead. Starts helping him develop shimmer.
I've been thinking that since the goal of shimmer is a form of "keeping alive" and also "bringing back to life", then it's possible that Silco's glowing eye is a byproduct of shimmer experimentation.
And that the only way to keep it alive and function is more shimmer injections. It would otherwise be grey and dead like in the Nice AU.
So Singed is also a factor here. He gives our Silco a real way to deal scary violence to Piltover. And this changes our Silco. He's more radicalised, and more opposed to Vander, having discovered that Vander works with Grayson to keep Zaun under Piltover's boot (basically making sure the boot stays, but doesn't press down too hard).
Vander is, as always, the enforcer of the status quo.
And though this works for them timeline wise, it sadly doesn't change the fact that Silco should know who Vander's kids are.
Vi and Jinx can be excused for not recognising him, what with him being one of their mom's adult friends, and scarred. But Silco doesn't have that luxury. His great friend Felicia had two very distinctive kids, ONE OF WHICH VANDER FUCKING NAMED! And her death triggered his husband so badly he tried to kill Silco over it. If anything, Silco would be hyper-aware of Felicia's kids.
And no amount of alternate fix-its changes that. It's permanent damage to season 1's Silco.
I feel like we can fix Vander's side of things by inventing an entire scene at the Pilt as I did above, but we can't fix 10 years of knowing your friend's kids and then a lifetime of acting like you don't know them.
I think it also cheapens the found family aspect of both Vander and Silco's adoption. You're left to wonder if they took in the girls only because they were friends with the mom.
Silco's adoption of Jinx and co-dependence with her was great because it spoke of the similar shape of their traumas, and how unexpected their bond seemed.
But now it's redolent of friendly obligation. And lies.
How would I fix it by keeping Felicia in the picture?
I would fully remove Felicia's one-on-one with the boys. That night at the bar? It's a party. Young Sevika is here too!
Felicia and many others are there, all congratulating Vander and Silco over the creation of the Lanes. Eventually Silco tires of the social niceties and goes to write in his notebook at the bar. Or maybe there's a montage of the night as the crowds thin.
In the end, Silco is writing, and Vander is still socialising. He talks to 3 people--Felicia, her husband, and a random person. They thank him for all his work. They've done it! And the conditions in the mines are so much better now thanks to XYZ!
Vander is beaming, he's just so pleased. It's clear for him this is the end goal. Felicia asks him, pointing to Silco, if he's okay.
Vander laughs, says Silco is fine, but he's already got his head back in the clouds. You see, Silco doesn't just want the Lanes, he dreams of a free Nation of Zaun.
The other 2 laugh, but Felicia sobers up. She rubs her belly, thoughtful. Then she says "Sounds like a dream worth fighting for."
I don't think she even needs to say anything about being pregnant, but she could go on with something like "I'm expecting. A girl, I think. I know. And I would love if she could grow in a safe city. I'm so scared she'll have to live the way I did, growing up.'
And Vander smiles sadly and tells her, 'We've gotten this far, and we're not going back. We'll make Zaun safe for your kiddo, I promise you that.'
And that's it.
Vander knows OF Felicia. She is a community member. He knows her enough, maybe from Lanes meetings, that eventually he can recognise her children. But they're not friends, and SILCO definitely isn't friends.
And the disagreement after the bridge is fully about where to go from then on, and Vander deciding he wants to run the Lanes and keep them safe, that what they have now is good enough, while Silco wants "more".
That disagreement can turn nasty, and the fact Vander tried to drown Silco becomes a statement about how violent and temperamental he is as "The Hound of the Underground". Something he'll regret soon enough and spend the next few years working hard to try and change.
What do you think?
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brownnbears · 2 days ago
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Yeah as I suspected the end of Arcane was incredibly unsatisfying and just too busy. They tried to cram so many characters and situations in all at the same time and it just made it to where everything they intended to be emotionally impactful didn’t even have any time to sink in before the next thing happened. Mel, Isha, Cait, Jinx, Vi, Jayce, and Ekko all had way too much in their story for just 9 episodes. With the amount of stuff they wanted to put in there it should’ve been like 4 or 5 seasons AT LEAST.
I’m incredibly upset with how they finished with Jinxes character. They strayed so far from the 2 sisters plot and at the end they had no idea how to wrap it up so they pulled a stupid emotionless clichĂ©.
Spoilers past this point
I was sick of the whole Vander Beast thing after like the 2nd episode. He either should’ve stayed dead since the beginning or died when Isha blew them up. Essentially him and Victor surviving meant Isha sacrificed herself for nothing.
There was a whole scene where Jinx was literally trying to end her life and Ekko came to tell her that she could break the cycle by making the world better rather than killing herself. I believed her whole arc was going to finally breaking free from her past and moving on with her life as someone new, her true self unrestrained by Vi or Silco or anyone. So she could make a world that Isha would’ve been happy to live in.
And then all that gets thrown out the fucking window because they wanted to pull a “oh the evil sister sacrificed herself for the good sister so that in her final moments she’s good ohhh aren’t you feeling emotional right now” literally makes me sick. A pointless death and a waste of a character, honestly a waste of a couple of characters because everything Ekko said? Meaningless now. Isha’s sacrifice? Meaningless. Jinxes character arc for the last 2 years? Doesn’t matter just poof. All so Vi can do the same thing she’s been doing since day 1. Genuinely what did Vi learn or gain from Jinx sacrificing herself other than another stone on the pile of “people I killed indirectly by being ignorant.” It’s genuinely fucking stupid lmao
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piesafterdark · 1 day ago
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Predictions for Arcane as a franchise + my thoughts! Season 2, Act 3 spoilers ahead.
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jayce, viktor, and jinx can't be dead. Let me tell you why.
no. 1, Arcane's been pretty explicit with deaths. Silco, Vi and Cait's moms, Benzo, the sergeant from season 1 act 1 etc etc we've all seen dead bodies, time pass without them coming back, or character arcs shifting to accommodate deaths (lsha's and Silco's death shaping Jinx). In season 2, Maddie's, Ambessa's, and random extra's deaths were all shown on screen. Therefore, if we don't see a body, the body's still moving.
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no. 2, while this is Arcane's last season, there's going to be more Runeterra shows. Of course we don't know what's going to happen over there, but I don't think Riot and Fortische are just going to throw Arcane's characters away unless they do. "the arcane is waking up" and all that jazz. Seems to me like the arcane isn't back to sleep, and who has experience with the arcane. Oh, right, all these cool guys. Leading to points 3 and 4.
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no. 3, Jayce's crystal, given to him by the mage (Viktor) in season 1, was used for teleportation, if I remember correctly. Rather than dying/getting sucked into the crystal, they've been teleported somewhere else and will be used to shift the focus onto that location. This fits. Moving to a completely different location would disrupt the glorious evolution. Plus we didn't see their bodies so.
EDIT: apparently it was the rune of insight or smth. my bad. Still, theres a chance? Please Riot, pleaaseee
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from arcanegifs
no. 4, Jinx my beloved. There was a line of shimmer leaving the explosion at the bottom of the pit, and the epilogue of Cait looking at the pit and seeing air ducts hints that Jinx/Powder escaped. I'm pretty sure the Zepplin shown at the end was to imply she left Piltover and Zaun, finally becoming her own person. Throughout the show, her identity was determined by her relationships (hair mirroring Silco's, smoke tattoos for Vi, mental illness from causing her brothers' deaths), and with hallucination Silco suggesting the best way to change the Cycle of Killing is leaving, that's what she chose to do. Additionally, her handwriting for the "the end" at the finale suggests that she was there to write it. She's alive guys trust me. Her change of scenery can be used to shift the focus to a different location.
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My personal Thoughts:
on no. 4, I would hate it if they decided to kill Jinx after she found herself. It's overused. Seeing Jinx/Powder finally become herself without Silco's, Zaun's, and her sister's baggage in a new place would be super interesting. As someone who doesn't play League, I've heard there's some blond character she's shipped with from a different country/city? Foreshadowing perhaps? Plus it'd be so in character for her to start a new series with a chaotic "I bet you're wondering what I did after I faked my death."
Cait and Vi will probably remain in Piltover/Zaun doing reform (the show's whole point). The reason why Vi didn't look super duper sad is probably because she's going through shock or because Cait reassured her that Jinx/Powder isn't dead (air ducts). Ekko's probably going to do reform w/ the power couple because that's his motivation.
The sex scene's context is a bit odd, but Jinx literally gave Vi permission to be with Cait so... ? When life gives you lemons, give your gf head i guess. Wish Cait did apology head though, she really hurt Vi... But then again, Vi probably wanted to get lost in the sauce and forget about everything around her, hence the "I don't fucking care" comment.
Jayce was right, Viktor was blinded. Love that they're in love.
It's so interesting to see Sevika going from backing revolutionaries (Silco and Vander) to becoming a revolutionary herself and actually getting a seat on the council!! She went from kingmaker to king.
Thought season 2 was kinda rushed? Idk wished we had hour long episodes just to flesh things out.... still a great season.
It's not over. With the success this show's been giving Netflix, there's at least twenty more on the horizon. God bless Riot and Fortische.
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going to go cry now.
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showsandstuff · 23 hours ago
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Am I the only one who is disappointed with Caitvi in season two? When I watched the first season I had the biggest caitvi brain rot because they actually gave me SUCH a fun dynamic with them. Buddy cop Caitvi was hilarious, I loved that so so much!
And season 2 started of strong imo but then it rushed through everything. I loved the scene in the cell, obviously, but it was misplaced. Your sister is about to kill herself girl what are you doing this is not the time!! And other than romantic and sexual tension there wasn't all that much left of their previous dynamic aside from the brief scene in episode six...
Idk, I think I'm just annoyed. Usually when I see a non canon gay ship get more traction than the Canon lesbian couple, I just assume it's misogyny or lesbophobia, and move on with my life. But I can't even do that here because Caitvi was WAY more popular in season 1 (as they should).
Jayvik isn't getting somewhat more popular in season 2 because people don't like lesbians, but because their arcs are connected so strongly to each other. (Also I'm not saying that Jayvik is now more popular than Caitvi, but it's like a graph where the super high stocks caitvi are still even while Jayvik is skyrocketing rn)
Wanna know why Jayvik wasn't all that popular in season 1? Because (after act 1) their arcs were mostly separate, safe for a couple of moments. Viktor worked on his body and Jayce was doing politics.
Caitlyn and Vis arcs intertwined more, they actually did shit together and it was beautiful, funny, romantic, EVERYTHING!
Also a fun opposites attract buddy cop dynamic is also just more fun than men who do science together (in my personal opinion)
Now let's look at Caitlyn and Vis relationship in season two.
It starts of strong. I momentarily thought that Caitlyn was uncharacteristically mean to Vi when she refused to become an enforcer, but she apologized for it later and I recognized the fact that Caitlyn was grieving. Then once we get to episode two and three I could already feel their relationship being a bit more odd. The kiss (though I cheered) didn't feel right. I felt like something was missing, and that was their chemistry from season one. Also I feel like we glossed over too many decisions that Caitlyn made, and I think Vi should've put a stop to it sooner. But overall I was okay with them in act 1.
Then we had a timeskip and the two were fully separated. Act 2 literally started with Caitlyn in bed with another woman, like we can see they're not together anymore. Caitlyn has obviously changed, there is not much of the sweet cupcake left that we had come to love in season 1, and Vi is boxing and getting drunk.
Then they meet and like... Vi calls Cait cupcake, and Cait switches sides IMMEDIATELY? GIRL WTF?!
I get that Caitlyn wasn't entirely on Ambessas side the entire time, but I had hoped for more drama first. So you're telling me the very next interaction the two have after their heart wrenching falling out is them making up again? Come on.
Then we had act 3 and overall it was better I think but the timing of their hot scene in the cell was just odd, like what about your sister about to kill herself? I was very happy and hyped in the moment but then I realized how rushed this was. Why? Why make em fuck right here? And in the final act, the two weren't together because again, their arcs were not as connected. And that's actually pretty cool to have a couple who do their own things! But it doesn't help their relationship when they, in turn, aren't given enough time to develop as a pair!
I feel like season 1 did this incredible job of setting these characters up, showing us why they work so well together and why they would fall for one another. And season 2 gave us pay off for it but with very little set up, which was needed because of how Cait changed throughout the season. I don't mention Vi here because she did not change. She had her drunk boxing phase, which we got nothing but a montage off, but everything else is basically season 1 Vi aside from very few things here and there. Like her becoming an enforcer wasn't a character change for Vi, her finally letting go of powder and calling her sister Jinx, wasn't a big character moment for Vi, they were pay off for a set up we didn't get enough of.
SO TO GET TO MY POINT:
S2 was rushed. We should've AT LEAST gotten 3 seasons, like minimum, because there was a whole lot of plot and very little moments in between for characterization. Especially for Caitlyn and Vi and their relationship to each other.
I still generally prefer Caitvi to Jayvik, but only because of season 1. Season 2 gave me the two things I wanted most (a sexy scene and a kiss) but forgot to give me the things that made me fall in love with this ship in the first place.
Which was the hilarious buddy cop dynamic of rich girl cop Cait, and broke butch prisoner Vi.
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munsonsmixtapes · 2 days ago
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Hi, I was wondering if I can ask a request for Eddie Diaz x Female Paramedic Reader smut, where they both can't keep their hands of each other and in means of finding a private place end up in the back seat of Eddie's pick up truck and do some 'things'. I am just dying for some soft Dom! Eddie Diaz smut, thank you.
Yes, yes! Thursday’s episode, I could keep my eyes off him! What a beautiful man!
cw: MDNI (18+) smut (p in v) slight dom!eddie
“You’re so pretty,” Eddie tells you as he lies on top of you in the back seat of his truck. His hand travels up your thigh and gives it a soft squeeze as his lips find yours once again.
This has become something you've done almost every single night after your shifts. Since you want to keep what's going on between the two of you a secret, you always end up meeting in a random parking lot when you always find yourselves in the back seat of Eddie's truck.
"No I think that's you," you argue as your hands slide into his hair as his lips find their way to your neck. You gasp as he gives it a rough suck and he chuckles against your skin in response.
"How about we both be pretty then?" He asks before nipping the spot right under your ear as his hands move to undo your bra.
"W-works for me."
"I think this is where you look the prettiest, though," he says, as he tosses your bra into the passenger seat before moving down to your chest, kissing all the way down your torso. "When you're underneath me."
He always knows exactly what to say to get you wet and he knows how good he is at it. You can see it in the look in his eyes. His hand unbutton your pants and he pulls them down, not missing the wet patch on your panties. He's quick to take them off along with your socks and shoes and he spreads your legs wide to get a good look at what he's working with.
"Is this for me? Honey, you shouldn't have."
The teasing was funny at first, but now you're getting desperate. You need him to do something now or you're gonna finish the job yourself.
"Eddie, please," you whine.
"Please what, honey?" He knows exactly what you want, but he wants to hear you say it. He wants you to beg for him, to whine, to cry and then he'll give you what you so desperately want.
"Please fuck me. I need you." Your whining always does something to him and now he's tenting in his pants. He's so hard that it's starting to hurt. He needs to get inside soon or he thinks he might explode.
"Well that was all you had to say. Now relax. I'm gonna take care of you."
You watch him retrieve an condom from his pocket and he sets it to the side as he gets himself undressed as quick as possible before rolling the condom onto his cock. Once he's ready, he doesn't hesitate to fully sink himself inside you just how he knows you like, watching your face the entire time.
It seems that no matter how many times you've fucked, he has to stretch you out every time. He can tell that it's still a lot for you to take in and he can see that you're already crying. He asks if you want to stop because of your obvious discomfort, but you just say not, shaking your head furiously. You're not going to be fully satisfied until you can feel every inch of him.
Once he's fully in, Eddie stays there, seeing just long you can hold out and when you ask him to keep going, he pumps in and out, fucking you fast and hard and deep as his hands pin your wrists to the seat, nothing but filthy words coming from his mouth as he does so.
Your moans are nothing but delicious as they fall from your lips, and mixed with your labored breaths, the windows are fogging up pretty quickly. Eddie has barely even done anything, but you already feel so tired from it all.
"You're starting to slur, hon. Already fucked out, huh? Does my big cock wear you out, baby?" All you can do is nod in response. "Alright, well, give me one more and then I'll take you home. Just one more, baby. You can do it."
Eddie gives you a few more thrusts and you're orgasming, your back arching as you do so. His hands slide underneath you as he talks you through it, encouraging you the entire time. And once you come down, Eddie lays you down on the seat and then he cleans you up with what he has in his glove compartment before he helps you get dressed. He then helps you into the passenger seat before he takes you home where he cuddled you until the both of you fell asleep, wrapped up each other's arms.
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sknnyvanilla · 10 hours ago
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The Chic Diet by kit olsen
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Diets
The Baby Food Diet
Ohmigod, tell me more, right? Enter: the Baby Food Diet.
You don't have to chew anything since the blender did that for you. Portion control won't be an issue either since all of the stores carry single-servings with really low calorie counts. And, like, I guess that babies need clean and well-rounded food or something because, like, all of the ingredients are things that you've heard before and are actually good for you. It's like a juice fast, but with a little more substance and a little less lawnmower drippings. But, like, waaay more affordable, so you can use all of the money that you save on some flavored Pedialyte, which is really just like a zero-calorie coconut water.
Plus, thanks to all of the crazy and demanding yoga mommies decked out in Lululemon with their obscenely expensive strollers, Whole Foods has really upped their game in the baby food aisle. There's seriously a flavour for whatever type of mood that you might be in so don't even worry about the lack of variety. It's like chic girl heaven. Make sure you get there early though, so you won't have to fight with the colicky toddler in the Missoni Bugaboo over the last "zucchini banana & amaranth."
Ella's Kitchen and Plum Organics are good for your basic blends of fruits and vegetables, but I swear that the marketing team at Earth's Best was targeting chic/orthorexic adults when naming their product lines. "Antioxidant Blends?" "Super Fruits?" "Gourmet Meals and Seasonal Harvest?" Um, yea, okay. Like 6 month olds care about that kind of shit.
So, apparently, Tracy Anderson (bless her heart) suggests that one should consume 14 jars per day. Um, no. It's not like we're headed into famine or something. A couple of jars or pouches should suffice and, even then, you should be watching your carb intake. That means NO all-fruit blends, you fat fuck. Make sure to pick vegetable-heavy varieties, though those can be sugarific also. I mean, even "spinach + apple + rutabagas" has 8 grams of carbs after adjusting for fibre. Ugh. Who knew that babies were such sugar whores? It's just, like, really unfair for all of the other customers who are trying to watch their figures.
Take a good look at Abbey Lee Kershaw and Hedi Slimane. See their jutting cheekbones and bulging eyeballs? Yours can totally be like that too, so long as you're willing to adhere to the uber cutesy diet that these two effortlessly chic Skeletors have been known to follow.
Now, everyone that knows that digestion isn't very glamorous. The act of mastication is, in itself, so very vulgar, and then that nasty bolus of caloric horror settles into your distended stomach, stirring up a whirlwind of has and discomfort as it waits for hours to be broken down. After that harrowing process, a trillion fat globules get sent directly to your upper arms and inner thighs. And then, well, you know... something really un-chic happens in le toilette.
But what if you could bypass all of that unpleasantry and just follow a really adorable diet that consists of only a few hundred calories a day? And, like, your stomach will stay flat since it's not filled with festering kale and noxious fumes.
The Air Diet
Every wannabe Carrie Bradshaw (or Charlotte York if you're really annoying) yearns to achieve maximal chicness with minimal effort. And nobody can do posh like the French, right? Even their diets ooze superior elegance that we ugly Americans could only aspire to attain.
Like, take the Air Diet, or L'Air Fooding as French Grazia dubbed it. God, even the name is so chic, I DIE. So anyway, you basically pretend to eat whatever the hell you want, without actually allowing it touch your lips. Naysayers and physicians will be like, "Ohmigod, that's called anorexia!", but, um, no. Anorexia is what my roommate, Sydney, has, and she won't even go near food without having a twitching episode. This is, like, a lot healthier psychologically.
I mean, I totally get it. Everyone knows that enjoying food is an experience and this diet allows you to immerse yourself in the whole process until the actual eating part. But you still get to order your meal, pay for it, cut it up, smell the aromas, and Instagram pictures of your drool-worthy plate. You just don't absorb all of the calories and fat associated with ingesting the actual food. It's like you're a chic French diet mime who traded eating for the right to talk. Ooh, maybe you can buy a really cute. A.P.C. striped shirt to go with your performance. So authentic.
It's not like you don't eat at all, either. You still get to binge on all of the la soupe a l'eau (translation: chic soup with an uber pretentious name) that you want. Oh, you want to know what's in it> Um, I had the recipe right here. Hold on. Oh, here it is. Boiled water and sea salt. Hm. But sea salt has, like, a lot of minerals in it, right? How nutritious.
So, yea. It seems like the majority of my friends have been on this diet for a really long time. Like even before that issue came out. What trendsetters. I mean, it's a great way for cutting calories, you know? As a bonus, it's not even restrictive! Like, you can help yourself to all of the fancily named soup and air that you want. And, like, a variety of air at that. Just stroll through the perfume section at Barney's or traipse through Le Labo when you're feeling bored with the plain, bourgeoisie oxygen around you. And if you're feeling especially ravenous (um, binge eating disorder, anyone?) you can practice some yoga breathing. It's like dietary meditation. Kay, now Ocean Breath, everyone.
The Paleo Diet
While cavemen might not have been very fashion-forward, they apparently knew how to be skinny motherfuckers. The Museum of Natural History really needs to slim down the mannequins in the exhibit to reflect this don't you think? So inaccurate. Anyway, this hunter-gatherer-centric diet is very simple in that it has one rule- only eat shit that Betty Flinstone would have prepared.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with history, this means that Kettle Chips and peanut butter are no-goes. Anything processed, such as Lean Cuisines, or foods that require relatively modern technology to produce, such as grains, are not allowed. Neither are dairy products, refined sugars, legumes, potatoes, processed oils or alcohol. Yup, even alcohol. No, they did not have "Stone Age" vodka or sugar-free "Bedrock" Red Bull back then. Yes, I am positive.
Anyway, you're basically allowed to have wild seafood, organic eggs, grass-fed game, vegetables, fruits and some nuts. The idea behind this style of eating is that humans, as a species, have not greatly evolved since the era of our cave dwelling ancestors. That is, our digestive systems are largely genetically similar to those of dinosaurs and are still not fully adapted to the vast changes in diet that have occurred since the dawn of the agricultural age. Simply put, we're not that great at digesting the majority of the shit foods that line supermarket shelves today. Yes, even the shelves at Whole Foods.
By following the palaeolithic diet, however, we would be providing our bodies with ideal foods to which our digestive systems are genetically adapted, When we are better able to process and absorb nutrients from these easily digested foods, we would be more capable of achieving optimal health.
But who really cares about primal strength and surly shit like that? Not me or any of my friends, despite the fact that everyone I know has "gone Paleo." What we love about this diet is the amount of control and restriction that it provides the user. You can basically reject most foods so long as you can come up with some inane reason as to why. "I'm only channeling cavewomen who lived in the Northern Hemisphere, and I don't think those were native to that region," you can say with a dismissive sniff as you swat away a platter of seasonal stone fruit. Um, apricots have a lot of carbs, didn't you know?
Plus, the diet itself is just really trendy. It's like the new Dukan Diet, which was originally the new Atkins, which was basically the new Cabbage Soup Diet. You'll probably be consuming the same meals that you normally are, but can now affix the hip label of "Paleo" to your dietary habits. But don't do that shit where you put goat's milk butter in your coffee or inhale bushels of avocados in one sitting- no=carb calories are still calories, after all.
The Ridiculously Low Carb Diet
In the world of the chic, all of the inhabitants are consumed with keeping their carb intakes as close to zero as humanly possible. Throw any generic food product at a chic girl and she can spit back its estimated carbohydrate content in mere seconds. And, as if she were a neurologist treating childhood epilepsy, she knows the ins and outs of the ketogenic diet like the back of her Rodin Crema slathered hand.
Though she may have no idea what mitosis is, or how photosynthesis works, ant legitimate chic girl could pass a PhD-level Nutrition exam with flying colours. "In order to get into a state of ketosis, you need to deplete the glycogen stores in your liver and muscles before even tapping into your fat energy sources. To do that, you have to keep your net carbohydrate intake below 25 grams a day," she will prattle off expertly, though she may not even have the faintest idea what she is actually talking about.
Basically, she knows that the lower your carbohydrate intake, the more fat you will end up burning. Thus, being the borderline-psychotic overachiever that she is, she will set an upper limit of approximately 5 grams of net carbohydrates per day for herself.
Plus, carbs are totes unnecessary. No one has ever looked cute while gorging on a slice of pizza or inhaling a burrito. But nibbling on a piece of asparagus or noshing on a sliver of pecorino is just adorbs. They're like low glycaemic pieces de resistance that compliment your Zac Posen cocktail dress. Bread used to be the official food of peasants, just so you know.
"I only eat foods that are green or white," were the first words that my soon-to be-future roommate, Lauren, ever muttered to me. No mention of her name, age or hometown- nothing. That's how seriously a true chic girl take her carbohydrate consumption- it defines who she is.
"What do you mean?" I had asked innocently like a clueless martian. Mind you, I still wore leggings and thought Greek Yogurt parfaits were healthy at the time. (I know, I know- don't judge me.)
Lauren, bless her heart, had then taken me under her wing, expertly gu8iding me into my current status of perpetual ketosis. We basically subsist on kale, spinach, avocado, egg whites, cheese, white fish and chicken breasts. And what can I say? I'm obsessed. The far just melted off like butter (which is totally allowed, by the way.) Like, I never want to belong to any other metabolic state of mind. It's just so simple, and everyone's doing it. I mean, just saunter into a Fashion Week after party and it'll reek of Chanel Chance and ketones. So chic.
So you can go the high fat route a la Atkins, or limit your fat consumption in the way of Dukan practitioners. Either way, you'll lose the flab and be super taut. But you can never go wrong with the Green and White Diet, the secret weapon of fashionistas in the know. And, while trends may come and go, there is one combination that will always be in style- ketosis breath and look of death. #Chic
The Strategic Starvation Diet
"You just don't eat for, like 18 hours a day," the chic girl will explain when concerned friends inquire about her new stringent diet du jour. "But you totally get to have balanced meals for the other 6! It was on the news. They tested it on mice and they, like, totally lived longer. Ew."
Intermittent fasting is like a godsend for the chic. Apparently, it's actually really healthy and has a bunch of scientific studies published to back it up. Not that the chic girl will ever read them, of course. But if positive results actually exist, then there's actually something to validate her cray.
I mean, what kind of diet condones extended periods of starvation? It's as if this way of eating was made up specifically with the chic bitches in mind. Not to mention that i's supposedly uber effective! Like, in clinical trials, researchers found that overweight participants how utilized intermittent fasting lost way more fat than those who ate the same meals spread throughout the day. I knew that whole "6 mini meals a day" adage was total bullshit!
Of course, the chic girl is just an extreme case of human, so she'll narrow her eating window to 2 hours or so. Some deranged bitches may even aim for 20 minutes! Talk about efficiency.
There's an even wackier version of this method that's been named the "Bulletproof Diet," whatever that means. Basically, you drink black coffee with butter or coconut oil stirred in so that you don't get hungry while in your fasted state. Um, that sounds like a lot of unnecessary calories. And chic girls don't get plagued with hunger- we like to refer to it as "getting of track.: Lile, seriously? Drinking butter> That's not even real fasting. People have no willpower nowadays.
Supporters of this way of eating suggest that people snack on healthy foods during their feeding periods, like bananas and apples. Um, bananas are super starchy. And apples? Did you know that apples don't actually have much nutritional value> The only real benefit that comes form apples is from pectin, which will help to regulate digestion. but since chic girls already consume astronomical amounts of fibre, they won't be receiving many benefits from munching on apples. They can totally get their Vitamin C from elsewhere. Ohmigod, you're learning, like, so much from me. This might as well be a textbook!
I suggest that you nibble on a piece of cheese or some veggies during your allotted eating time. That way, you can totally maximize ketosis and burn as much fat as fucking possible. I mean, Emily Blunt's character in The Devil Wears Prada totally knew what she was doing. She was just way ahead of her time. Like, don't you want to be one stomach fu away from sample size too?
The Raw Food Diet
This one's for the extremists, of which there are many in the upper echelons of the chic. Basically, you stick to a diet of uncooked veggies all day long, with the occasional piece of fruit thrown in. As expected, these bitches are skinny as fuck and look great in just about anything. They also absorb, like, maximal nutrients and have beautiful skin and hair. Plus, they get to lecture and judge others all day long about the importance of enzymes and whatnot. These skinny twigs can also consume bushels of allowed foods and still keep their daily calorie counts in the hundreds. Totes ideal, if you can stomach it, I mean. But have you ever tried raw broccoli or mushrooms? Ew.
If you've lost all sensory input from your taste buds, as can happen when on frightening amount of amphetamines, this is the perfect lifestyle for you. You can be like a super svelte panda bear and nosh on stalks of celery or fistfuls of curly kale all day. You'll lose heaps of weight and will have a spotless digestive tract, I'm sure. Just be proactive about taking, like, 15 Beano with each meal. Gas isn't cute, even if it's being caused by adorable produce like grape tomatoes and baby carrots.
Some people will get all technical and allow themselves to have sashimi, but staunch raw foodists will shake their heads at this practice. I don't see what's wrong with it, especially since sushi is, like, so yum. Anyway, soaked nuts and sprouted seeds are allowed, but make sure to watch how much you eat. They're still packed with calories and, this, aren't totally conducive to rapid fat obliteration.
People on the raw food diet love to chirp about mental clarity and feelings of euphoria, but I think that they're just really happy because they can slip into Gareth Pugh leather leggings without putting up a struggle. I highly doubt that weeping into bowls of raw radicchio and consuming bland vegetables dressed in the salt of my tears would make me feel vibrant and more alive. I mean, I would be completely ecstatic about sticking to a strict diet of copper pennies and shards of glass if it, too, left me with a 3-inch thigh cap. But to each her own, I suppose.
It's also well known that a lot of working models are technically raw foodies since they basically just consume cauliflower smoothies and piles of wilted spinach. No wonder they always look so sad. But have you seen their hip bones? Um, yea.
So I totally just ordered a raw organic vegan Kale Dulse Salad and a cold-pressed coffee from Seamless. They better fucking hurry before all the nutrients break down. Ooh, do you think calories can break down over time too? Let's hope so. Enzymes, here I come!
The One Food Diet
Basically, anyone who lacks even a smidgen of self-control should consider this dietary tactic. It allows no leeway for excuses or exceptions so long as you follow just one simple rule: consume only one type of food.
When you define vague dietary rules, such as allowing low-carb or liquid items, you'll find that the hungry fatass within will convince herself that certain foods fit the guidelines. I mean, butterscotch pot de creme is technically liquid, right? And an entire stick of butter covered in guacamole is totes low-carb. Inhaling, like, three bowls of blood orange sorbet doesn't constitute cheating on a raw food diet, either...
Stop. Just stop. You obvi have issues with following rules, oh voracious one. Technicalities are just fancy excuses for the dietarily inept, and one shouldn't be allowed to make risky, body composition-altering decisions when starving and delirious. So do as the OCD-inflicted waifs do and pick one food with which to thoroughly familiarize yourself to the point of disgust for the next two weeks.
You won't have to waste time obsessing over meal planning or calculating nutritional contents. It's basically like putting your diet on auto-pilot ass you graze on your one allowed food in a fat-shedding haze. Honestly, yo can pick whatever you want, since you'll likely get sick of it as time goes on. Like, did you know that Uma Thurman once went on an ice cream diet? She lost 25 pounds over a six-week period. On ice cream. ON ICE CREAM.
Now, I don't suggest that you pick the congealed, sweetened mucus of dairy cows as your food of choice, as that' s just, like, not really a good starting point. Pick something like tomatoes, or green apples, or avocados, Bananas and grapes work also, but do keep in mind that they are quite high in sugar. My personal choices are either eggs or grapefruit with Splenda. Whatever you choose, make sure to stick with it. That's all there is to it.
Some proponents believe that partaking in the consumption of only one type of food allows your body to become more efficient at digesting and metabolizing it, but I'm not sure. I mean, I guess it makes sense. But who really gives a fuck about all of that health-boosting mumbo jumbo? The real reason that this diet is so attractive and effective is because it helps to teach you a lesson in discipline and restraint. By sticking to this diet for just a short while, you'll see that you're more than capable of controlling yourself when it comes to impulsive food-related decisions.
It's like dietary therapy, but without having to visit an overpriced psychiatrist who just nods along and asks you obvious questions about how you feel about that time you ate a lobster roll. Um, I feel like shit, okay? You didn't need to remind me. That's why I'm allowing myself zucchini slices for the next month, duh.
The Two Cup Diet
Did you know that your stomach is only the size of your fist? So why are you stuffing it until you can't breathe? Um, I don't care if you're a firm believer in Volumetrics- that method only works if you're feasting on organic iceberg lettuce and sparkling water.
Now, getting a bariatric surgery done costs roughly $30,000. Trust me, I went to go get an estimate. The doctor was actually really rude and scoffed at me during the consultation, which I really took offense to. He was all, "Um, you know that this is for, like, clinically obese people, right?" So I was like, "Er, yea. It's called preventative medicine, natch." And then he, like, totally rolled his eyes at me and said in a condescending tone, "You obvi don't qualify for the procedure, especially since your BMI totes falls into the underweight category. Sorrz." I'm not an expert in medical law or anything, but I think that's called discrimination. Horrible bedside manner, not to mention illegal, no? I really need to call my dad's attorney about this.
Anyway, my friend, Melissa, found a totally cheap alternative to getting your stomach stapled until it's the size of a walnut. She learned it from a group of 14 year old Latvian models that she shared a room with during Milan Fashion Week. You basically take two tiny Dixie cups and fill them with whatever food you might please, though preferably of the low-calorie, low-carb and low-fat variety. Then you can enjoy your mini feast without worrying about portion control. It takes the stomach roughly four hours to empty, so you can set an alarm on your iPhone for four hour intervals to remind you of when you're allowed to have another two cups. Um, genius, right? And who said that teenaged models needed to stay in school to have good heads on their shoulders?
Don't abuse this system by using the red plastic cups of beer pong infamy, though. You're not an obese retired frat boy living it up in Murray Hill. By Dixie cups, I'm referring to the uber cutesy 3 oz. waxed paper ones that are meant for gargling in the bathroom. If you want to take it to the next level, you can also use tiny utensils, like oyster forks, to slow down your consumption and increase satiety. There w as this one girl that I interned with who carried around a tiny Tiffany & Co. silver baby spoon with her everywhere. Totally crazy, yet totally chic. Did I mention that she weighed, like, 85 pounds?
So who cares if you look like an unhinged betch for scarfing down tiny bites of wild mushroom fricassee from a mouthwash-delivery vessel using a toddler's fork? You'll be laughing all the way past the antiseptic-scented waiting room of a really rude weight loss surgeon's shabbily decorated Upper East Side clinic while your critics slowly begin to qualify for Lap-band installation. Um, who said that preventative medicine had to cost a year's worth of college tu8ition? People with no self-control, obvi.
The HCG Diet
Only a batshit cray person would willingly stab herself repeatedly while wincing and bellowing in pain, right? Um, yes, but that mentally unstable waif wielding the 25 gauge needle sure is tiny. Enter the HCG Diet, a regimen in which one is required to inject oneself with a variety of vitamins and hormones while subsisting on a maximum of 500 calories per day. HCG, or Human Chorionic Gonadotrophin, is basically a hormone produced by pregnant women soo after conception for... I don't know. The guy who came up with the idea to implement it in a weight loss regimen said that it suppresses your appetite and helps with fat loss, or whatever. Anyway its use as a weight loss agent is, like, really frowned upon by the FDA, which everyone knows must mean that it totally works. Like, remember ephedra? And phentermine? Uh, yea.
It's really easy. You basically follow an ultra low-calorie, low-carbohydrate, low fat, high-protein diet (uh, don't we regardless?) and give yourself daily injections of Vitamin B-12 and HCG in your hips and thighs, respectively. A physician or medical professional has to hand then over, so expect to pay a pretty penny (or 60 thousand) for a three-week program. If you're feeling super ambitious, you can also drag the whole thing our for six weeks!
Everyone will be like, "Er, of course you're losing weight. You're only eating 500 calories each day!" Ohmigod, really? Thanks for the news flash. I totally didn't know that. Um, of course anyone will lose weight on a 500-calorie diet, you observant twats. But who (other than an anorexic ballerina) actually has the discipline to stick to those numbers? Uh, a really chic girl who just blew one week's pay on dietary heroin, that's who.
So even if HCG isn't actually clinically proven to assist with fat loss or appetite suppression, who really cares? Even if you had spent hundreds of dollars on sterile syringes filled with Flinstones vitamins diluted in Diet Sprite, you would still have an obligation to stick to the accompanying regimen. I';s called financial responsibility, people!
But, oh Chic One, how come we can't just use the homeopathic drops that they sell on Amazon? I don't want to hurt myself, you say. I really don't like needles, you cry out. Um, in case you haven't been paying attention, there's a concept called "No Pain, A Lotta Gain." And it's just, like, totes legit? I mean, just because you rub to botulism toxin all over your skin doesn't mean that you're going to do skit about your crow's feet or laugh lines. You're just going to have a really dirty face. But inject some Botox all up in those crevices? Um, hello Bruce Jenner!
Besides, didn't you know that "homeopathic" is just Latin for "faker than a Canal Street Kurakami Multicolore Monogram Speedy 25?" Ew.
The Cabbage Soup Diet
"I lost, like, 10 pounds in 3 days," the chic girl will announce with widened eyes to all of her entranced comrades. "I didn't even know that I had that much to lose!"
Going on the cabbage soup diet is akin to complaining about having to fly home for the holidays or binge drinking over Memorial Day Weekend- it's just ingrained in American culture. Eating disordered betches of yore have passed this timeless diet on from generation to generation and, as unglamorous as it may be, it still prevails as a magic bullet of sorts to this day. So when you need to get skinny stat, show a little patriotic spirit and boil up a giant vat of cabbage and under-seasoned water. Your tummy won't thank you, but your thigh gap sure will.
You can binge if you'd like, but I'm sure you won't want to. The soup isn't particularly enthralling to the taste buds, but the parboiled vegetables will help to satisfy the vacuous pit that is your empty stomach. And, even if you stuff yourself senseless with the tasteless broth, you'll still probably only consume a couple of hundred calories a day. Just don't try to stand up too quickly, or you might just faint from chic overload!
Some variations of the diet allow other foods, such as bananas and meat, but you really shouldn't stray from tradition. Like, what would your ancestors say? They would likely shake their pin curls in disappointment.
The basic recipe calls for cabbage (duh), celery, mushrooms, tomatoes, peppers, onions, carrots, pre-made bullion cubes and your seasonings of choice. Sounds super yum, right? Um, this is when you're supposed to nod and be like, "Ohmigod, delish."
Anyway, I wouldn't bother adding onions or carrots since they're uber starchy. I just don't want you to get kicked out of ketosis, you know? Come to think of it, throw those tomatoes out too. That bouillon just seems totes unnecessary also. Okay, so our soup will basically consist of mineral water and cabbage, I suppose. But now we're, like, totally doing the One Food Diet, too. And Paleo! And, like, this is uber vegan-friendly. Gawd, talk about multi-tasking.
The "I can't see it!" Diet
If you're a fixture on the fashion industry's party circuit, you are well aware of the au courant set's penchant for microscopic portions of distinguishingly decadent food, I mean, what exactly is the purpose of serving miniature cupcakes? Is this a test? Like, what's with the tiny sandwiches and cheeseburgers? Is the bread just there to keep your fingers clean? And someone please explain to me the obsession with canapes and fried puffs. All I see are fat and carbs sharing real estate on a tray smothered in grease and shame. It's actually really confusing yet insulting yet intriguing yet tempting yet cute yet revolting, all at the same time.
Am I supposed to eat it? I think I am. I mean, these kind caterers have already done all of the hard work and cut everything into tiny, guilt-free smidgens. And how terrible could everything be when the portion sizes are so adorable? That grilled truffle oil-infused gruyere sandwich can't be so bad for me, right? It's only, like, half the size of my Amex card. And that microscopic scone? It's the size of a quarter! Having one doesn't make me irresponsible.
Wait a minute. Ohmigod, are people watching? Do I look poor and desperate? How come no one else is eating? Should I not be eating either? I think I just saw that blogger pop a tiny piece of fried macaroni and cheese into his mouth. Or did he? I repeat, is this a test?
There is a reason that all of the offering at such glamorous parties are bite-sized enigmas of congealed cheese and bacon grease. They're your cheat treats! Enjoying a few tiny morsels of forbidden food is totes acceptable, so long as you don't carry around a plate laden with them. As a reward for all of the other 364 days a year that you deny yourself of such scrumptious evils, you are allowed this one window of glorious opportunity to indulge in two or, daresay, three pieces of wanton abandon.
Oh, but the fashion crowd is a clever one. While each itty-bitty hors d'ouevre might seem relatively innocuous, it is still a miniature recreation of something that you would never be caught dead eating in front of Anna Wintour. Thus, you must wolf it down as surreptitiously as possible while still keeping your composure. And in that is where the genius lies.
After committing such a deplorable act as inhaling a mini brownie in three seconds flat while crouched down behind a crowd of fashion photographers, you are overcome with remorse and shame. What has come of you? Have you no self-control? It wasn't even worth it! That's it- no more food for the rest of the night! Then you will ration out a mini green juice for the rest of the evening in hopes that it will at least help to dilute your transgressions.
Do you see what just happened? You got your junk food fix, yet your calorie count for the day will be kept low by the guilt that overwhelms you. If you're lucky, the remorse will spill over into the next day. Maybe even the rest pf the week! D you know what just happened? It's called psychology.
The I'm-fucking-rich-and-glamourous Diet
For the impossibly chic girl, it's raining oysters, sashimi and tartare every night, with a guarantee of accompanying champagne showers. She loves to order seafood towers for the table and is obsessed with rhubarb mignonette. "I'm basically on a raw food diet, as you know," she will explain to her friends as she persuades them into doing a $300 caviar tasting. "Just a really fancy one."
Or is black & blue filet mignon considered raw? Whatever. The chic girl loves her steak, especially if it's of the Kobe Wagyu variety. She'll do lobster or butterfish or even sea bream, but forgoes salmon because it's "so 2011." "I only do lox when I have Eggs Norwegian at Balthazar," she will say with a sniff as she pursues limited menus with disdain. "And I'm talking about Paris Balthazar, not the one on Spring."
She is like a culinary hipster in the sense that she basically shuns anything that wouldn't be available to the general public at Food Emporium. Um, farro risotto? With fucking kale? You better back away slowly before she scratches your face in frustration. How dare you offer her that. She doesn't do proletarian foods; didn't you know?
Basically, she will turn up her perfectly rhinoplasty job at the foods of mere mortals, rolling her eyes if someone suggests going out for pizza and snarling in disgust at the mention of gourmet burgers. "I tried a cheeseburger for the first time whilst on holiday in London last year," she will say as she lets out a harrowing sigh. "It was the worst experience of my entire life."
"Cava is not champagne!" she will vehemently cry out, snatching the menu away from the basic bitch who had the audacity to suggest it in her presence. "And oysters from New Jersey? Get the fuck out of my face."
This emaciated diva loves herself a good tasting menu, even if it consists of, like, 18 courses. But haven't you noticed how all of the nicer restaurants, like Per Se and Daniel, are basically just never-ending parades of microscopic low-carb morsels? Obvi the people in the kitchen get the picture! And as for dessert, this lavish betch never partakes- she's just so full, you know?
So be it foie grais brulee, organic rabbit rillettes or diver scallop carpaccio, this extravagant girl knows how to execute the zero-carb diet in style. And while other chic ladies around town may have to sacrifice pricey food in favour of fashion, this is never an issue for this rich bitch (or, perhaps, her sugar daddy). For the girl on the FRaG Diet, compromise is never an option.
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marycom15 · 11 hours ago
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Thinking about mary pcfc again,,, per usual. [LONG POST]
They're such a simple character but so interesting!! It makes my blood boil how much mischaracterisation i've seen seeing of them in the fandom because they're literally the easiest chara ever like HOW do you get them wrong :/// some people clearly just don't care about any characters other than their blorbos... not dropping names this time though.
The thing about Mary is that we never get to fully see them. Sure, both Mary and Mark appear quite often, and the lines between those two characters often blur, but we never quite get a full picture of them. I strongly believe that the true character of 'Mary' lies somewhere between the God and Mark persona. The distinction between them two gets stomped all over by the show, and often times the fans can’t quite tell whether the other characters see Mary or Mark in certain scenes, some going as far as to speculate that the others know both are the same person. But that's just obviously not true.
PCFC is known for its unclear distinctions between canon and non-canon episodes, most of its runtime composed of semi-canon lore where the direct events probably never took place in canon, yet the relationships and traits established through them persists. It's a curious phenomenon clearly sparked by the fact that the writers do not know shit and should all be fired. It's no wonder then that when they have a character who's split into two different personas, they often entirely forget about it and just write them as something inbetween - a compromise between their two sides. Which, funnily enough, is as close as we ever get to seeing the 'real' Mary.
For those a bit slower and Mary haters, let me explain this even more simply - and to do that, we need to get to the core of Mary's character, their defining trait in the series. Their divinity.
We actually don't know that much about it. Despite how well-established divine beings are within the PCFC universe, they're mostly more minor deities that operate under Mary's watch (like the love pantheon) or have been directly gifted power by them (like the mods). Mary themselves rarely expands upon their divine power and whenever they're seen as the God persona, they act generally distant and closed off. While they're still a kind god, they make sure to leave space between themselves and the mortals - Elo being an exception, but we'll get to them.
When it comes to the origins of their powers, we only know that they ascended rather suddenly, and presumably without much say on the matter. There's been mentions of a previous god and the 'Champion' who ruled under him, but they both presumably left, leaving Mary to clean up the chaos caused by the Lawless Time. We don't know exactly when they rose to power, but considering how clumsily they were handling their godhood at first, it's safe to assume they only gained divinity quite some time AFTER the previous rulers left, and probably rushed to try and fix the world before even fully understanding their powers.
Inexperienced and suddenly given a unimaginable power, they actually handled it all pretty well. Fuck you Mary haters and all those who think they were shit in the early episodes!! Mary haters DNI!! They just rose to power DURING a long-term crisis and they were just one guy with no guidance! But one thing's right - while they still took care to be kind, they were disconnected from the actual civilization. In my opinion, it's partly because obviously their status as a god made it harder to have casual interactions, but also partly because Mary was desperately trying to act 'godly'. Let me explain
They were obviously unsure of their power and role, doubting their own abilities, but they were still the god, protector of people - so they needed to appear strong. Partially to try and convince themselves they're not entirely unfit for the role, and partially to reassure the public. They developed this distant and rather unemotional persona, hiding their face and heart - sure, they were still a 'good and kind god', but they couldn't quite connect. Connection isn't meant for gods. It's mortal.
Quite obviously that put them under a lot of stress. They treated their relationship not as an interaction, an equal exchange, but as a chance to prove themselves to be likeable and get people to revere them. Early season, they were so focused on their role as a god, they completely forgot that they were still partially human, and had human needs. This is where, sadly, I do have to mention a certain character. Yes, I'm talking about sk*w. CW for all of the shit it does in early seasons, trust me guys i hate it just as much as the next person (or even more!!), but it's undeniably an important part of Mary's storyline.
In some ways, Skew is a folly to Mary. While Mary struggles to interact with others, Skew seems to be a natural people magnet. Mary's divinity is forced upon them, and they solemnly decide to accept this life in order to fullfill their duties, Skew ascends fully willing and eager to take up his role. Mary's a good person, and Skew is the definition of evil and problematic. But it can't be denied that he is liked by the other characters, at the very least during the first few seasons. And Mary's jealous.
At that point my poor baby has been working so hard to rebuild civilization, yet they're rarely met with any actual appreciation. The people are clearly evil :(((. And so they try to fit into society, by mimicking the way Skew acts - this is a trend that persists in all of their arcs btw, mimicking others and failing a bit. This is where the whole seemingly random part of them claiming to be evil comes from, in case you non-Mary fans didn't know. But instead of being appreciated, they get ridiculed instead - with Skew as the main perpetrator.
We all know how the evil arc goes. It’s no wonder they target Skew, really. They’ve been bottling up frustration for a long time now, simply pushing forward to do best by their beloved civilization, and when they get attacked by him for trying to fit in, Mary decides to make him.. Just like them. Kind, good and caring – and everyone *hates it*. I think that at first robo-skew represents Mary’s true values, but of course they get twisted as Mary rages on.
And this is where Elocom comes into play!!! My OTP <333 Elocom haters you’re the worst, dni I hope you get exposed and cancelled. Elo’s the only one who stands up for Mary, and they get immediately attached. She’s their most devoted follower, and they’re obsessed with her in turn. Their relationship is definitely incredibly codependent during the evil arc, but that barely lasts after it ends. Mary sees someone who offers them a bit of sympathy and immediately starts showering them with love. They were desperate for this connection, no matter how much they might’ve been denying it.
Which makes it even more tragic when Elo falls.
No matter how much ‘divine wrath’ they instilled upon the world during that arc, this is when Mary finally felt humanity again. Since the day of their ascension (which for all we know could’ve been well over a month ago!!) they’ve been living as a divine being, despite their body still being mortal. Sure, many things changed once they rose to power, but its clear that they haven’t fully transformed. There are changes, and they’re definitely the most powerful of the divine characters we know, but their power level is still oddly close to the lower deities considering their status as Parkour God.
They aren’t fully divine, which isn’t actually something we get much info on, though many visual clues point towards their distaste of fully embracing godhood and god boots being the reason for this. I am absolutely insane about the fact that the writers refuse to elaborate on Mary’s divinity because there’s !! So much we don’t know. I really hope this gets expanded on in the reboot ;(
When Elo falls, Mary doesn’t visit. They lose that one piece of humanity they had, but this time, they’ve tasted enough to realise their yearning for it. And so, the Mark persona is born. It says a lot that we basically know nothing about their life as a pro, and says even more that they themselves barely seem to remember it. Not in a typical way, they do recall people and events, but they fully cannot piece back together the person they used to be. A few of the background characters remark on how Mark has changed, but chuck it up to the chaos of the godless era. They no longer know who they were – in a way, they’re rediscovering themselves in this new role of God alongside the viewers, who have a similar level of knowledge about pre-godhood Mark. Which is pretty much zero.
So, who does Mark end up being? An exaggerated idea of humanity. They’re odd, a bit off-putting, but generally seen as just a bit of a funky and harmless weirdo. Mark tries so hard to blend in by simply repeating the things he’s noticed others like – but by looking solely at the moments which get most attention and laughs, he completely misses the mundane aspects of being mortal. In a way, Mark’s an amazing human disguise when it comes to their odd bits of personality, but they lack the casual and mundane parts, which makes them feel odd and unnatural to others. They’ve forgotten what it’s like to be human, and their notes are faulty.
With both the Mary and Mark side of this character established, it’s time to repeat my point – neither of them are the true Mary. The truth lies somewhere inbetween. ‘Mary’ is them desperately trying to be a god, and ‘Mark’ is them desperately trying to be a human. Their whole issue stems from not being able to fully embrace godhood, being stuck between two worlds with no real place to be. Maybe that’s why there are so many new deities and other divine-esque beings. Maybe Mary’s just observing them, hoping to find a way to exist without fully detaching themselves from their humanity.
To summarize, we know exactly as much about Mary as they do – which is not much. I see many ways for their story to go. They could embrace divinity and gain a higher level of power, or they could do the opposite and forfeit godhood in the name of humanity. Maybe they manage to find a way to exist in this odd space between two worlds they’ve found themselves in. Maybe something completely different will happen. The longer the series goes on, the more the lines between Mary and Mark blur, which makes me believe that it’s building up to some sort of big moment – especially if you remember that no matter how blurred the lines are for us, the characters still act as if Mary and Mark were separate people during the important scenes.
There’s still a lot to be explored about them, and I hope the writers don’t butcher my beloved babygirl :((((( they don’t deserve it!! Skew traumatized them so bad. I hope Elocom is endgame and Skewlocom burns in superhell <3 Also I literally can't stand the people who say they don't "get" Mary like bitch be for real with me!! Their character is literally so easy to understand its sooo annoying like wdym they're complicated. They're literally just stuck between two worlds. That's so simple it's got the number 2 in it, which is a low number. Which means its not complicated. Idiots.
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aprillikesthings · 2 days ago
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So I took a little bigger bite of gummy than usual and THEN Daci insisted we watch like a half hour of tiktoks together that they'd saved (lol 90% of them were Arcane jokes, including King Princess repeatedly being a troll) so by the time I got in the shower I was already feeling it. So if my typing or sentences get weird or bad you know why
This is one of those episodes I've literally only watched twice tbh
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oh hey it's my tumblr background (on desktop)
I forget why they were sleeping outside lol it doesn't matter
But Glimmer's right the person who snores loudest is always the one to fall asleep first
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okay so when Adora first sees the sword and tells Catra she's like "are you brain damaged???" Adora tells Glimmer "I thought I saw something" and Glimmer's like "pssht whatever" can people stop dismissing Adora seeing shit lol (edit: foreshadowing. right.)
oh right Im watching this for Castaspella in my 60's fic lol
"I've never relaxed in my life" lol we know
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I know she's not the focus of this episode I'm just happy to see her heyyyy bb
(also has anyone watched bits of this show so many times they can pick out the styles of specific storyboarders/animators? not that I know their names, but like "whomever did this scene did this other scene." anyway whomever did a few random bits of this episode worked on parts of Moment of Truth)
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ALSO ahahah I caught the moment she reacts to Adora's name
...I need to learn how to edit vids, I still want to make one of every time one of them reacts to the other's name/voice, bc once you notice that they do it every time, you can't UNnotice
Catra: ugggh another Adora mission, fine, when do I leave? (like girl you are acting so reluctant but ahahah)
Shadow Weaver: Nope, I'm gonna do it myself. Clearly, no one else can be trusted to bring her back to the Horde, least of all you!
Man SW realllllly loves to rub into Catra's face that her attempts at getting Adora back haven't worked, that's gotta sting
SW's voice actor was so good
SW: creates a terrifying monster
Catra:
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is terrified
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writing her as a hippie/shop owner who is also a bit new-agey and ALSO, a wine aunt, is gonna be so funny and fun okay
"Oh, Light Spinner, she's just a scary tale for children" I mean....she does...scare children...
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Adora has ADHD. Also Aimee had fun recording this I bet lol
Bow: sounds like this Shadow Weaver really did a number on you growing up
Anyone else reminded of the first time they told a story from their childhood and the other person reacted with horror? anyway
lol I remembered that SW pretended to be other people and taunted Adora in Catra's voice but I didn't remember when so I still fucking JUMPED when she did the "Hey, Adora"
TBH this episode's plot is half "so SW is an abusive piece of shit, and Adora and her friends are starting to realize this"
Gahhh the bit of SW talking with Catra's voice and saying "SW controls us both, she always has" is so fucking creepy. Bc she's acknowledging she's, well, controlling.
oh hey did you know that Hordak's voice actor also did Kino (Mel's brother) in Arcane
SW pretending to be Glimmer and Bow and being a huge asshole to Adora is hard to watch ahhh
The only thing worse is watching her do the extremely typical abuser speech, but ...the kind a partner usually gives, not a parent! "they don't understand you, only I do, your friends don't really like you, they're just using you, you can only trust me"
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gyahhhhh
y'know....I just realized. She knew Catra and Adora were close. She blames Catra to some extent for Adora leaving. She has Catra try to get her back multiple times and fail.
Which means at this point she thinks their friendship was entirely one-sided. Like, she could've used Catra's voice to beg her to come home, and she didn't.
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I hope for every abused kid to have this moment
"this is what SW does. She manipulates people, she pushes them apart." yeah
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lol I couldn't get one where she wasn't making a weird face bc she's talking but eheheh
"If you want to take down Adora, you have to go for the heart." She's looking at Bow through that spying bowl but....CATRA. she misses YOU. she cares about them but she also cares about you :(
also THE HEART YOU SAY???? (was this intentional foreshadowing)
the next episode is Princess Prom, but I'm not watching that one tonight
As it is. I know social media is a minefield atm. Anyone who started watching the last three eps of Arcane the moment it dropped is done.
What's funny is that I intentionally spoiled myself for the last season of She-Ra because I knew I wouldn't be able to watch it for a few DAYS
but Arcane we're watching tomorrow, and I want to know SO BAD whether or not they fuck, but I want to find out when Daci does, via watching it!!!
So don't tell me anything.
Can’t wait to engage in one of my fave midnight hobbies: get high as balls and rewatch bits of She-Ra and sometimes post screenshots with overemotional/horny captions
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rexscanonwife · 1 month ago
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OURGGGHHHH,,,
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JUST WATCHED THE STAR TREK EPISODE WHERE DATA CREATES A CHILD TO RAISE....
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gregoftom · 2 years ago
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MAYBE I GOT MINE  BUT YOU’LL [ALL] GET YOURS
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demidolll · 2 days ago
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WOOO HERE WE GO!! REACTIONS TO THE LAST EPISODE!!! SPOILERS!!!
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^ i feel like i'm gonna laugh at that later.
oh my god the stop motion is gorgeous
jinx why are you doing that
JINX
SILCO'S CHAIR??? THE LAST DROP???
JINX NO DON'T KILL YOURSELF. OH MY GOD THAT'S THE SAME WAY SHE KILLED MILO AND CLAGGOR. I'M UNWELL
EKKO!!! BOY SAVIOUR DEAREST!!! BEST BOY!!!
HSJAHHAA THE WAY EKKO KEEPS CANCELLING JINX SETTING OFF THE BOMB THING
"always a dance with you" after he just danced with her in an alternate timeline :((
and her hair is short like there too now :((
"see if i can talk an old friend out of blowing us up" when she already blew them both up in season 1 during the bridge fight. oh the parallels. arcane you make me sick
watching the intro again, blind, for the last time ever. not skipping this time out of respect. as it plays, let me just say that suicidal jinx is written so beautifully and so accurately i am actually worried about the arcane writers. especially with the "please let me go" lyric playing right before the intro, when ekko is trying to make jinx not kill herself (and him)
aftercare ❌ planning a fight that starts a war ✅
anyway in season 1 the writers used a deez nuts joke, so i am choosing to believe that whatever is going on with the vi pov flashes is their take on the "subtle foreshadowing" trend. i will die on this hill
oh my god the parallel between vi freezing up when she sees blue hair under the enforcer's helmet and jinx freezing up in season 1 when one of the firelights was a girl with short pink hair. arcane writers i will have your heads on SIGHT.
on another note, this show is honestly one of parallels. by that logic i am declaring my last prediction, five minutes into the last episode; the season will end either with an explosion or with a fight on the bridge. i'm thinking explosion
naurr ambessa what the fuck that was NASTY
not the noxians sniping the sniper.. foul.
is that warwick???
LORIS NO
maddie is so cute you guys i can't even lie i get why caitlyn went for her
poor vi man she always gets more trauma
HELL YEAH BLUE ENFORCER GUY
IT DID NOT JUST GET JAMMED. WITH A FUCKING SCREW. WHY NOT COVER SUCH AN IMPORTANT PART UP???
boss music playing when ambessa shows up was not on my bingo
THE MADDIE BETRAYAL OH MY GOD. I MEAN I SAW IT COMING BUT IT'S SO GOOD. MAYBE THAT'S WHY IT'S SO GOOD. OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS GODDAMN SHOW.
anyway as i was saying boss music playing when ambessa shows up was not on my bingo card but it definitely should've been. that got a cackle out of me
did ambessa just say the professional version of "i told you so". that's what vi told caitlyn to tell her. now caitlyn is being told that
HOLY SHIT FUCK YEAH CAHOLY SHIT NO CAITLYN DON'T GET STABBED
yeah bitch doesn't feel so good to get hurt near your hip and be left whimpering now does it. this is how vi felt you ASSHOLE
HAAA NOT MADDIE GETTING SHOT BY HER OWN BULLET. ICONIC
MEL MEDARDA FUCK YEAH
why is humming intensifying OH FUCK YEAH JINX HELL YEAH THIS IS SO ICONIC JINX I LOVE YOU
HELL YEAH ZAUNITES!!!
the parallel between us being shown jinx fighting the firelights on a ship in season one. and now jinx is on a ship fighting WITH the firelights. parallels will be my undoing.
mel is iconic that's all i have to say
the hexcore is HOLLOW???
oh Wish!jesus how did you sneak in
EHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU
OH MY GOD THOSE CREATURE THINGS ARE TERRIFYING
SEVIKA NO DON'T TURN TO JESUS
HAAA THE BITCH SLAP
THE JESUS CREATURES ARE SO SCARY
NO DON'T KILL VI. DO NOT KILL VI.
OH MY GOD WARWICK LEAVE JINX ALONE
OH MY GOD EKKO THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SAVING VI
AND THEN VI SAVES JINX. THIS IS THE GOLDEN TRIO I DON'T CARE
"choice is false" fuck you too viktor. i CHOOSE that you are a fuckwad
ambessa trying to stab caitlyn in the eye, jinx stabbing silco in the eye (with that needle). parallels
not caitlyn ending the fight with the blade that was INSIDE OF HER THIGH
"a wolf has no mercy" may be the most satisfying callback i have ever seen
...eh? mel sent ambessa to black rose but then took her back out?
"you are the wolf" do not make me cry. this is like "you're perfect" (silco to jinx) but with more context and layers and oh my god i'm gonna be SICK.
viktor you are NOT about to force corrupt jayce.
"i'm always with you" // "you were always with me; whispers on the street, hairs on the back of my neck" arcane writers i LOATHE you and that's a compliment
warwick leave my girls alone.
"dad?" i'm gonna CRY.
the way jinx just starts shooting again with no clear target. girl please remember what happened to silco
jinx + vi vs. vander and viktor vs. jayce was something i NEVER saw coming before i started watching season 2. i also did not expect to see it happen IN THE SAME SPACE.
the jesus follower creatures: *cutely tilts head at jayce*
oh my god viktor corrupted all my favourite girls. ekko do not get corrupted please i am begging
jayce is conscious within the jesus verse?
WOOO BOY SAVIOUR!!!
NOOO EKKO
YAAAYYY EKKO
NOOO EKKO
ekko how far did you just rewind
"that device can't be" ok and? yet it is still
viktor is losing jesusness? "losing my faith" moment?
"all i want is my partner back" jayce i WILL cry.
VIKTOR IS THE MAGE MAN IN THE HOOD THAT SAVED JAYCE'S MOM CONFIRMED!!! MY LONGEST THEORY HELL YEAH!!!
"in all timelines, in all possibilities, only you can show me this." you might as well have written him a love song, viktor.
viktor pushing jayce away like vi and caitlyn pushed each other away in the intro.
oh the art is so hauntingly majestic.
sorry did jayce just DIE.
holy shit it's raining bodies!!!
no i'm on jinx's side VI WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING
OH MY GOD WARWICK WHAT THE FUCK
poor jinx is being traumatised
OH MY GOD THEY'RE ALL DYING. IT'S BODIES BODIES BODIES UP IN HERE
"always with you, sis," i already talked about the always with x parallels but i think my heart just shattered into a million pieces and then got stomped on over and over again and the pieces were reassembled to spell out "FUCK YOU ARCANE VIEWERS" because WHAT THE FUCK ARCANE WRITERS WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK FUCK YOU YOU FUCKS??? WHAT THE FUCK???
oh my god that's jayce's mom right there :(
sevika is a councilor now oh my god i have so many thoughts
singed's daughter is alive??
fuck you black crow
omg is noxus mel's now
is vi okay???
vi!!! NO YOU ARE NOT SINGING THAT SONG.FUXJ YOU ARCANE WRITERS I'M GONNA SOB
(the series ending with the same song it started with being hummed. FILTHY. perfect circle, perfect parallel, i should've seen it coming, i didn't. i am ILL.)
vi resting her head on vi's shoulder after powder did the same with ekko in an alternate timeline. FOUL.
okay the episode just ended and i have absolutely nothing to say. this was. an experience. i am traumatised. what the fuck. this was beautiful.
30 minutes until arcane season 2 act 3!! i am not okay
predictions/bingo:
mel dies and/or loses autonomy (gets corrupted by black rose)
that golden thing on mel's back is magic
jinx starts doing shit again to honour isha
ambessa learns about communication & being truthful (but it's too late)
viktor lives (somehow)
warwick lives (somehow x2 maybe singed will save him?)
ONE (1) silly moment between vi and jinx. please just this crumb man arcane writers please
caitvi stick together again?
caitvi FUCKS (the buildup???)
uhhh what other characters exist
it'll be explained more thoroughly why jayce killed his boyfriend jesus
what other characters exist???
EKKO will reappear and save the day. boy saviour my beloved <333 i swear i have never seen a single hate comment on ekko he's so precious we all just universally love him
ekko will do something problematic (just because the writers like spiting us and we've all been on his side all this time)
ekko time power thing upgrade
jesus!viktor is the magic man in jayce's memory or something (you can't deny the similarities idc)
i have no clue what'll happen to heimerdinger so I'll just say he dies
lol i'm looking through the arcane wiki character list and basically everyone is dead fuck you arcane writers
sevika gets +1 arm again?? pls dude that poor woman
piltover + zaun vs noxus/black rose?
why is the hexcore listed as a character.
jayce mom returns and goes "son wtf have you done why did you kill a ma— a jesus??"
ekko's tree dies. i'm sorry buddy i don't see it living. unless ekko uses his new time power to reverse the damage or something but i don't think that's how it works
something happens with caitvi and they never see each other again
act 3 breaks my heart
act 3 makes me want to never draw and write ever again but simultaneously makes me want to make so much art
i will need therapy after act 3
YOU will need therapy after act 3
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^ that will be all of us, everyone who watches arcane act 3
okay i think that was all. nine minutes left. may the lord (viktor, and also the writers) have mercy on us. lighting a candle and surrounding it with crystals for good luck. i have 4 earrings in and they all have moonstone. pls jesus (viktor, and the writers) go easy on us
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peppermintack · 5 months ago
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show tempe gang crossover with the morris islanders would actually have been the best episode of bones ever. btw
#please ignore the rest of the tags i will just be making things up#okay they start out in carolina but at least half the episode takes place in dc. do not ask me how travel logistics would work#tory spends the entire episode off with tempe doing bone stuff. booth feels upstaged by a 16-year-old girl#so he goes and hangs out with ben who does NOT trust him right off the bat#ben ends up having to run him over to liri at some point because there's crime afoot and tom is busy. they spend most of the ride in silenc#ofc they end up bonding Eventually because they are both obsessed with crazy emotionally stunted redheads named t brennan#tory is more effective than any of the squinterns and manages to piss hodgins off so bad just by existing#coop hangs out in the lab as saroyan tries to kick him out thirty times. he just keeps showing up and she can't prove who's letting him in#(it's tempe.) angela loves tory but tory does not love angela back. saroyan tolerates her. sweets likes her but knows she's hiding somethin#comes to the conclusion that she can read her friends minds and slowly drives himself crazy because obviously that can't be true#tory brings hi along whenever she needs someone with people skills and he is MORE than happy to participate in a hodgins experiment#hi gets to be king of the lab for about ten minutes. shelton hits it off with angela immediately and they solve half the case together#booth fucking HATES hi because he's evasive and really good at the manipulation thing. booth can't win verbal sparring and he gets Big Mad#at one point the four of them are in an interrogation room together (MISTAKE) because tory had them meddling a little too close to the sun#and booth is trying so hard to question them which didn't work even when they COULDN'T read each other's minds#tory figures out who did it and hi steals her thunder a la shrek wasnt vandalized he gave birth#temperance tells tory 'i know you've got a secret sweets told me and even though i don't trust psychology i find he's insightful' etc etc#tory's like well i might be but i can't tell you it's not just my secret and you wouldn't believe me anyway#because let's be real tempe WOULDNT believe her#meanwhile saroyan convinced by sweets paranoia managed to get a sample of tory's blood and test it and is like HEY WHAT THE FUCK#gets hodgins and they just stare at the results together and delve into conspiracy theories. he's like i KNEW there were werewolves#they debate telling tempe but know it wouldnt end well for the kids and decide to get rid of the evidence. but hodgins is SO smug#also angela spends the whole episode trying to convince everyone hi and shelton are dating and no one believes her#they finally see them kiss or something and they're all somehow floored and angela's just like yeah? duh?#if anyone read this i'm sorry and why
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hirazuki · 8 days ago
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To whoever made the creative decision for Aizen's characterization this season: Congrats, you've achieved the impossible. You've managed to turn me into an Aizen girlie.
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corset · 6 months ago
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Our mental health has been in such an interestingly terrible place for the last month or so. Genuinely kind of fascinating to watch from different internal angles....like watching the ocean ebb and flow and change temperament at random sometimes based on weather or the moon or something. Like this shit is just terrible
#I can't even describe it#Like it isn't even just the basic stuff I've dealt with my whole life right#I've had some of this for well over a decade now right I've been very unwell for a long time#I'm a system so that tells you a lot already#Speaking of which that's been extremely hard on us lately too. Rapid switching and blending and worsening dissociative episodes#It makes it extremely....hard. I don't know how to put this for people reading this who don't just intuitively know what I'm talking about#Let me try though#Stress worsens the symptoms right. And we've been under a Lot of stress. When you have a system who not only experiences different levels#of emotion but also different emotional responses to certain things and then also expresses symptoms of your multiple mental illnesses to#different degrees and then on top of that your sense of time/cognition becomes nonlinear because you're blurry as hell in and out all the#time it becomes markedly more difficult to try and balance out/manage your other shit. Like I cannot even describe#It's like trying to climb a slippery incline#I feel truly. Crazy. Like a complete unstable fragmented freak lately it is So bad. And I feel like I'm becoming Worse /As A Person/ too#Like I just feel like I'm becoming so jaded and fucked up mentally our internal state right now is frankly very bad. If you think I've been#negative and difficult on this blog lately hoo boy is my posting on here not even scratching the surface#We're trying to do some things about stuff we can fix/control in our external surroundings but like#[Edit: in addition I have never been properly medicated or gotten help for Any of this since I was 14-15 and they weren't even helping us#for the right things.]
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comixandco · 1 year ago
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waiiiiit, now you made me think about other thing.... so, let's assume mermaids can get pregnant in human way right, but their child then has to be a merperson, because how would then a mermaid transform, if she turns into literal water... i can already imagine a pregnant mermaid and a baby with a littleee tail inside her LMAOOO.
no, actually, when mermaid transforms, the baby teleports to the backrooms /j
this goes sooo deep i just sought out a couple episodes of mako mermaids bc i remembered the guy was adopted and like. babies have to be brought up in that discussion right? And in the episode the teacher mermaid says “your mother was the only mermaid strong enough to stop you from getting your tail” which implies that????? they’re born without tails????????? How long are they babies with legs do the mermaids give birth on land and then return to the sea and their babies get tails then? do their tails slowly form as they grow older? if they have to become human to give birth why is it so unheard of for the mako mermaid girls to go on land for their mission? have they never seen any merbabies? there are canonically mermaids younger than them! And why does the h2o wiki refer to one of the characters as coming from a long line of mermen are mermaids not involved in the process do mermen get pregnant like seahorses????? why did they have to make mako mermaids and make everything so confusing?????? *cries*
putting mako mermaids aside because that’s a hot Mess. Would the baby also turn into water? it wasn’t in the moon pool but it’s parent was and the moon pool changes a person’s entire dna so like. it would change the eggs dna as well right? but the egg is only half of the dna and there would also be a human half that shouldn’t respond to water at all. does the mer dna overpower the human dna? would onlookers see a random tiny foetus floating in the air/water for a split second before the mermaid reappears around it?
yeah the baby goes wherever cleo’s coat went in the second episode
#dericelem#mako mermaids#h2o just add water#like. i get why the mermaids clothes change to their matching bra technically like if their trousers are going missing their tops should to#and it is not kid-show friendly for the mermaids clothes to rip werewolf-style every time they transform#but cleo’s coat was barely on her when she was in miriam’s pool it was floating up so much. lewis saw it disappear and he won’t tell me#where it went because he is a fictional character for a series that is almost 2 decades old and he had more pressing questions than ‘where#did the coat go?????’ in that moment and we understand that but it’s still upsetting#sorry the coat is another thing entirely#i think the lore-writing for this series was ‘if it’s cool and makes for a good episode we’ll incorporate it. if it’s a question#we can’t immediately answer or argue about and it doesn’t have to come up in the show we just wave our hand and say the moon did it’#and that is a valid way to move forward. they didn’t realise at the time how big h2o would be or that people would still be trying#to figure out the parameters of the world they made almost two decades ago lmfao#the babies have to survive though right???? like. we can’t emma’s horrible red hair away a baby#it would be absolutely fucked up though if the baby disappeared every time they got wet and then the pregnancy reappeared once they dried#off#’cleo you can’t transform this late into the pregnancy we don’t know what will happen!’ ‘but my back hurts!’#fun fact h2o takes place in the same universe as shape of water and this is how the fishman thing was made /j
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psalmsofpsychosis · 4 months ago
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I dont think at this point i can even start on classic literature if i tried, like, i have absolutely zero patience for stories that take their goddamn time "building up" to things. "give exposition talk and show your characters doing everyday things" girl only if the everyday things contribute to the theme of the story! I dont have an ounce of interest in traditional idle starting points, "this story takes awhile to warm up and nothing happens for 45 pages" lmao bye
#I used to think my attention span has gotten worse and i can't focus enough to get through books#but turns out people are just boring writers lmao#i love it when a story starts right off the bat. Dont beat around the bush;#just tell me the fucking story i have never heard of ''build up''#i dont wait for a narrative to come around the story has approximately 1 to 4 minutes to catch my attention or i'm out#my brother is always like ''nooo give this thing a chance it's gonna get better'' nah. if it's good it's good from the very beginning#in the first 5 minutes of Gotham TV you get two children's reaction to murder; utter freeze and ear shattering scream#it immediately swts the scene. you're IN the story the narrative has already started#in the first 5 minutes of Shameless US Ian is outed to the family's possible most homophobic little dude#it literally shocks you out of your skin and you're like ''oh okay!! alright; i'm awake now!''#it's not that i can't get into 570k books anymore; it's that people who write long narratives usually meander and stale so goddamn much#and dont say anything at all and the pace is hella slow#and i need a good captivating opening#this post brought to you by me rewatching Samurai Champloo#opening with a disclaimer reading ''this work is not an accurate historical portrayal. like we care. now shut up and enjoy the show.''#immediately followed by two enemy samurais executed together. like fuuuuuck this opening sequence is so sexy!!!!#i'm one of the people very much in favour of 45-episode shows being cut down to 8 or twelve#if done right#because i only want the essential plot and i love a fast paced story#no.1 hater of ''mandatory beach episode'' here#stick to the fucking plot and pack it!!!
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