#V: I am not good with being vulnerable [Season 5]

[crowsandmurderbackup]

Tags and Verses

NATHAN ROYAL SCOTT

Nathan  ✖ (Aesthetics)

Nathan  ✖ (Thoughts)

Nathan ✖ (Character Development)

Nathan  ✖ (Crack)

Nathan ✖ (Headcanons)

Nathan  ✖ (Photos)

Nathan  ✖ (Verses)

BIOGRAPHY:

Nathan Scott was raised to never want anything, as the son of Dan and Deb Scott. But, life wasn't always perfect. He knew his father had a bastard so, and he hated the kid, because he existed. He knew they were only several months apart, and he just hated him. It wasn't like they traveled in the same circles though. Nathan was popular, head of the basketball team, propular girlfriend. But, that didn't mean he didn't make him miserable when he could.

It wasn't all easy though. His fa her was obsessed with his basketball career, since the time he could dribble a basketball. He wasn't stupid. He knew it was more about his dad, than it was about him. His family was pretty much crazy.

His life got even crazier when his 'brother' joined the basketball team and he made his life hell for it, only easing off, when he promised Haley James he'd ease off, if she tutored him. He'd made a bet he could get with her. But, he hadn't expected her to make such an impression on him. Everything kind of changed, after that.

His parents decided to divorce, and sick of them trying to put him in the middle, he emancipated himself. He and Lucas get along on off weeks, and he and Haley, well that was another story. It was normal to get married in high school, right? Everyone said he changed, and maybe they were right...until she left and went on the road. He reverted to before and even when she returned, he was hard on her, and Lucas both.

Eventually, he worked it out with them all, but things are never easy with his life, and he didn't always make the best choices. But one thing was good, for sure and that was holding his baby son for the first time, on his graduation day.

In college, he went all-American and nearly lost it all a few years later, when he went through a glass window, and hurt his back. But over time, he got it back, and with the support of his family, finally made the NBA. But sometimes, dreams changes and ability to hold his family becomes more important.

[PLOTTED AU THINGS ARE AVAILABLE. THIS IS JUST HIS GENERAL BIO]



VERSES: 

I have never had a dad who wished I was a stain on a bed sheet

Nathan Scott, younger son of Dan Scott, or if you ask Dan or Nathan, only son of Dan Scott, is pretty much the star of the Tree Hill Ravens basketball team. He's popular, has an attitude, and has been known to bully people. The thing he hates most: the existence of his father's bastard son, Lucas. What Nathan didn't anticipate was his effort to get under Lucas skin after he joined the team, to change his whole life.

I already know my future

The last thing that Nathan would have imagined a year ago, is that he would be married, and that he and Lucas would be friends, and even brothers? But, he's trying to navigate it the best he can, and deal with basketball. But, the pressure from his dad hasn't gone away, despite being emancipated. Being married this young isn't as easy as it looks, and there's this asshole singer who is giving him a bad feeling, who seems to be 'helping' Haley.

Like a man possessed

Married or not, he still didn't always handle things the best, and well, neither did Haley. First, she went on tour, and he went completely off the deep end. But, it just got worse. He was self-destructing and fast. She reappeared the night before he left for High Flyers for the summer, and he didn't know how to handle it, so he didn't.

The roots are still there. It just takes time.

Senior year is starting. He is Captain of the Tree Hill Ravens. His game is looking better than ever. Everything should be going great, except it wasn't. He still was married, and...he didn't know if he wanted a divorce...wanted to be married...wanted to punch Lucas, or drive another race car into another wall. He'd tried reverting to the old Nathan Scott before, and it hadn't really worked. Now, he was trying to co-exist in the same town as Haley, who kept saying she wasn't going anywhere. But, he didn't know if he could trust her. He and Lucas were still at odds, despite the fact that deep down, he knew it wasn't Lucas' fault that she'd left. He was slowly letting her back in, but it would take time, among other things. This year would be one he would never forget though, one of loss, pain, and new life.

All-American

Getting into college wasn't easy for Nathan. The mess with point shaving, to try to pay back Dante, had made him unappealing to Duke, and so many other schools. If it wasn't for Whitey, he wouldn't be playing ball anywhere. He wound up playing for Whitey, with Lucas as Assistant Coach at Gilmore University, while he and Haley worked to balance school, life and raising their baby, James Lucas Scott. Eventually, Nathan transfers to University of Maryland, College Park, where he was a First-Team All American.

I am not good at being vulnerable.

During the next several years, Nathan continues to work towards the NBA, even getting a shoe deal. It is looking like he is going to be drafted to the Seattle Sonics, but it all changed when he got into a fight, that led to him getting thrown through a window, and losing feeling in his legs. He felt like everything had been taken from him, and he started drinking all the time, depressed. Over time and realizing he needs to be there for Haley and Jamie, he is able to stand up and try to work his way back, even working with a troubled teen on Lucas' basketball team. But, things never stay easy in his life and his comeback was difficult, as was his life at home, due to problems with the nanny, his father and many other things. He tries to face things as a family, but sometimes, things are hard.

I got called up.

After trying slamball and nearly injuring himself again, Nathan makes the D-Team Charleston Chiefs. He faces yet more adversity, as the player with the current #23 tells him that he's not just going to let him walk on the team. He butts heads with a couple of the players, but eventually, he finally gets his call up to the Charlotte Bobcats, finally making it to the NBA.

You have saved me so many times.

Life as an NBA player is not a bad life to have. Nathan Scott worked hard to get there, and it's nice playing in Charlotte, since he gets to be close to family, unless he's on the road. His agent has become like family and he really likes being a Bobcat, and likes watching Jamie grow. As he gets closer to a contract year, he's not hearing what he wants to hear and he's starting to get worried about it. It doesn't help that some woman is claiming to be pregnant with his child. His father manages to get her to admit she's lying, but even in the midst of everything, Haley's mom dies, and at the last moment, Clay gets him a contract to stay in Charlotte and overjoyed at Haley being pregnant, he doesn't initially tell her that the doctors think he doesn't have that much time left, with his back.

I will be leaving the game of basketball.

After Clay is shot, Nathan leaves camp and he tells Haley about his back. He wants to try to be an organ donor, even if he is not a match. He makes the hard decision to put basketball behind him. Once Clay recovers, he helps him with the new agency, and tries his hand at being a sports agent, and turns out to be a pretty good one. Life seems to be okay, even without basketball, well unless you count, getting kidnapped and nearly murdered. He was able to make peace with his dad, who died saving his life. But, he thinks it all might be okay. He's got a great family, and he doesn't hate this sports agent thing, but maybe, he'll take a vacation for a bit.

Someday is today.

Life continues in the Scott home, as Jamie and Lydia grow up. Nathan continues to work with Clay, and Nathan proves to be a good, loving father, and hasn't nearly gotten murdered recruiting athletes again. When his son passes his scoring record, he's proud of him.

FACECLAIMS: 

James Lafferty

[crowsandmurder]

TAGS & VERSES

NATHAN ROYAL SCOTT

Nathan  ✖ (Aesthetics)

Nathan  ✖ (Thoughts)

Nathan ✖ (Character Development)

Nathan  ✖ (Crack)

Nathan ✖ (Headcanons)

Nathan  ✖ (Photos)

Nathan  ✖ (Starter Call)

Nathan  ✖ (Verses)

BIOGRAPHY:

Nathan Scott was raised to never want anything, as the son of Dan and Deb Scott. But, life wasn't always perfect. He knew his father had a bastard so, and he hated the kid, because he existed. He knew they were only several months apart, and he just hated him. It wasn't like they traveled in the same circles though. Nathan was popular, head of the basketball team, propular girlfriend. But, that didn't mean he didn't make him miserable when he could.

It wasn't all easy though. His fa her was obsessed with his basketball career, since the time he could dribble a basketball. He wasn't stupid. He knew it was more about his dad, than it was about him. His family was pretty much crazy.

His life got even crazier when his 'brother' joined the basketball team and he made his life hell for it, only easing off, when he promised Haley James he'd ease off, if she tutored him. He'd made a bet he could get with her. But, he hadn't expected her to make such an impression on him. Everything kind of changed, after that.

His parents decided to divorce, and sick of them trying to put him in the middle, he emancipated himself. He and Lucas get along on off weeks, and he and Haley, well that was another story. It was normal to get married in high school, right? Everyone said he changed, and maybe they were right...until she left and went on the road. He reverted to before and even when she returned, he was hard on her, and Lucas both.

Eventually, he worked it out with them all, but things are never easy with his life, and he didn't always make the best choices. But one thing was good, for sure and that was holding his baby son for the first time, on his graduation day.

In college, he went all-American and nearly lost it all a few years later, when he went through a glass window, and hurt his back. But over time, he got it back, and with the support of his family, finally made the NBA. But sometimes, dreams changes and ability to hold his family becomes more important.

[PLOTTED AU THINGS ARE AVAILABLE. THIS IS JUST HIS GENERAL BIO]

VERSES: 

I have never had a dad who wished I was a stain on a bed sheet

Nathan Scott, younger son of Dan Scott, or if you ask Dan or Nathan, only son of Dan Scott, is pretty much the star of the Tree Hill Ravens basketball team. He's popular, has an attitude, and has been known to bully people. The thing he hates most: the existence of his father's bastard son, Lucas. What Nathan didn't anticipate was his effort to get under Lucas skin after he joined the team, to change his whole life.

I already know my future

The last thing that Nathan would have imagined a year ago, is that he would be married, and that he and Lucas would be friends, and even brothers? But, he's trying to navigate it the best he can, and deal with basketball. But, the pressure from his dad hasn't gone away, despite being emancipated. Being married this young isn't as easy as it looks, and there's this asshole singer who is giving him a bad feeling, who seems to be 'helping' Haley.

Like a man possessed

Married or not, he still didn't always handle things the best, and well, neither did Haley. First, she went on tour, and he went completely off the deep end. But, it just got worse. He was self-destructing and fast. She reappeared the night before he left for High Flyers for the summer, and he didn't know how to handle it, so he didn't.

The roots are still there. It just takes time.

Senior year is starting. He is Captain of the Tree Hill Ravens. His game is looking better than ever. Everything should be going great, except it wasn't. He still was married, and...he didn't know if he wanted a divorce...wanted to be married...wanted to punch Lucas, or drive another race car into another wall. He'd tried reverting to the old Nathan Scott before, and it hadn't really worked. Now, he was trying to co-exist in the same town as Haley, who kept saying she wasn't going anywhere. But, he didn't know if he could trust her. He and Lucas were still at odds, despite the fact that deep down, he knew it wasn't Lucas' fault that she'd left. He was slowly letting her back in, but it would take time, among other things. This year would be one he would never forget though, one of loss, pain, and new life.

All-American

Getting into college wasn't easy for Nathan. The mess with point shaving, to try to pay back Dante, had made him unappealing to Duke, and so many other schools. If it wasn't for Whitey, he wouldn't be playing ball anywhere. He woundle up playing for Whitey, with Lucas as Assistant Coach at Gilmore University, while he and Haley worked to balance school, life and raising their baby, James Lucas Scott. Eventually, Nathan transfers to University of Maryland, College Park, where he was a First-Team All American.

I am not good at being vulnerable.

During the next several years, Nathan continues to work towards the NBA, even getting a shoe deal. It is looking like he is going to be drafted to the Seattle Sonics, but it all changed when he got into a fight, that led to him getting thrown through a window, and losing feeling in his legs. He felt like everything had been taken from him, and he started drinking all the time, depressed. Over time and realizing he needs to be there for Haley and Jamie, he is able to stand up and try to work his way back, even working with a troubled teen on Lucas' basketball team. But, things never stay easy in his life and his comeback was difficult, as was his life at home, due to problems with the nanny, his father and many other things. He tries to face things as a family, but sometimes, things are hard.

I got called up.

After trying slamball and nearly injuring himself again, Nathan makes the D-Team Charleston Chiefs. He faces yet more adversity, as the player with the current #23 tells him that he's not just going to let him walk on the team. He butts heads with a couple of the players, but eventually, he finally gets his call up to the Charlotte Bobcats, finally making it to the NBA.

You have saved me so many times.

Life as an NBA player is not a bad life to have. Nathan Scott worked hard to get there, and it's nice playing in Charlotte, since he gets to be close to family, unless he's on the road. His agent has become like family and he really likes being a Bobcat, and likes watching Jamie grow. As he gets closer to a contract year, he's not hearing what he wants to hear and he's starting to get worried about it. It doesn't help that some woman is claiming to be pregnant with his child. His father manages to get her to admit she's lying, but even in the midst of everything, Haley's mom dies, and at the last moment, Clay gets him a contract to stay in Charlotte and overjoyed at Haley being pregnant, he doesn't initially tell her that the doctors think he doesn't have that much time left, with his back.

I will be leaving the game of basketball.

After Clay is shot, Nathan leaves camp and he tells Haley about his back. He wants to try to be an organ donor, even if he is not a match. He makes the hard decision to put basketball behind him. Once Clay recovers, he helps him with the new agency, and tries his hand at being a sports agent, and turns out to be a pretty good one. Life seems to be okay, even without basketball, well unless you count, getting kidnapped and nearly murdered. He was able to make peace with his dad, who died saving his life. But, he thinks it all might be okay. He's got a great family, and he doesn't hate this sports agent thing, but maybe, he'll take a vacation for a bit.

Someday is today.

Life continues in the Scott home, as Jamie and Lydia grow up. Nathan continues to work with Clay, and Nathan proves to be a good, loving father, and hasn't nearly gotten murdered recruiting athletes again. When his son passes his scoring record, he's proud of him.

FACECLAIMS: 

James Lafferty

[justlemmeadoreyou]

5. seasoned to perfection (restaurant owner!harry x chef!y/n)

(part 1 here) | (part 2 here) | (part 3 here) | (part 4 here)

Summary: Harry comes back, and the pent-up tensions and frustrations from the day you met are released, in the literal sense. he's vulnerable too, but it's for your eyes only..

Words: 6k+

Warnings: Fluff, Smut. P in v sex in the driver's seat 🤭, kissing, dirty talk, praise kink, unprotected sex, creampie.

***

Harry was back in Chicago two days later, just as he'd promised. A profound sense of relief washed over you the moment his broad-shouldered figure appeared striding through the airport terminal - he looked exhausted and careworn, but his stride was purposeful, that familiar spark of intensity simmering behind his hazel eyes.

Despite the lingering worry etched into the lines of his face, Harry flashed you a lopsided grin as he drew closer. "Well if it ain't my star pupil, coming to greet her mentor like the proper respectful protegee she is."

You rolled your eyes good-naturedly, unable to suppress the matching grin that tugged at your own mouth. "Don't get too full of yourself there . I'm just here to collect on those celebratory drinks you promised."

"Is that so?" Harry's raspy chuckle sent a shiver down your spine as he closed the remaining distance between you. Up close, you could better make out the faint smudges of fatigue ringing his eyes, the weary set of his shoulders that hinted at the emotional toll this family crisis had already exacted. 

"I sure am lucky you pulled through like a total rockstar the other night, darlin'," he said, voice softening with sincerity. "Don't know what kind of state my head would be in right now if that whole gala affair had gone pear-shaped on top of everything else."

You felt your chest constrict with sympathy at the undercurrent of weariness bleeding into his gravelly timbre. For all his towering self-assurance, it was still far too easy to catch glimpses of the profoundly lonely man beneath.

"Hey," you said softly, emboldened enough to reach out and give his forearm a reassuring squeeze. "It's gonna be okay, you know? One way or another."

"Yeah, I know," he acknowledged after a beat, hazel eyes crinkling faintly at the corners as he regarded you. Impulsively, Harry reached up to brush a stray lock of hair from your face in an unexpectedly tender gesture. "Thanks for being here, pet. I could use a friendly face right about now."

You felt your breath catch at the gentle rasp of his rough fingertips grazing your cheek as they fell away. A look passed between you, heavy with unspoken undercurrents simmering just beneath the surface.

Harry seemed to catch himself after a pregnant pause, giving a slightly brusque clearing of his throat as he took a half-step back. "Anyway, I'm betting you're just aching to hear all the dirty details about how your old mentor totally knocked it out of the park running my crazy-ass centerpiece for the gala, am I right?"

The teasing rasp was back in full force, but you could have sworn you detected an undercurrent of...flirtation? Nerves fizzing in your veins, you forced an answering grin. "Well, I definitely wouldn't say no to getting an extremely thorough debrief on all the specifics."

"That's what I like to hear," Harry chuckled, reaching down to snag your bag before you could protest. "C'mon then, let's get out of this madhouse. I'll fill you in on every juicy detail over a proper meal - hell, I might even let you buy me a congratulatory drink for once."

You rolled your eyes at his cheek but didn't object as Harry slung your bag over his shoulder and began leading the way out of the crowded airport terminal, one calloused hand at the small of your back guiding you through the milling crowds. The innocent point of contact still managed to raise gooseflesh along your skin.

"I hope wherever we're going has a full bar," you quipped once you made it outside, drawing a rich chuckle from your mentor.

"Have I ever let you down before on the booze front, darlin'? Though I gotta warn you, I might have to start cutting you off early tonight if you get too sloppy with the drinking."

You snorted indelicately. "Please, like your liver could even hang with mine these days. I'll be the one cutting YOU off before the night is over, old man."

"Old man?!" Harry's brows shot upward in mock outrage. "Well aren't you a cheeky little thing. Maybe I oughta just turn this reunion car right back around, huh?"

You grinned unrepentantly. "And deprive yourself of soaking up my full admiration for how flawlessly I executed your crazy dish the other night? I don't think so, Chef. You're stuck with me now."

A look you didn't quite catch flickered over Harry's face before his expression softened into something tender and...admiring? "You got me there, pet. I really am damn lucky I've got someone as fiercely dedicated and hardworking as you lookin' out for me."

He gave your shoulder a gentle squeeze as the valet pulled up a sleek black car. "C'mon then, let's go get that drink and hear all about how you made your old mentor proud once again."

With that, Harry opened the passenger door in a surprisingly gentlemanly gesture, making a theatrical play act of ushering you inside before circling around to the driver's side. Despite the lingering exhaustion evident in his features, an unmistakable lightness and sense of humor had returned to Harry's manner now that he was back in your company. You found yourself charmed all over again by his trademark swagger and grit.

Once Harry had pulled out into Chicago's hectic downtown traffic, he gave a weary but contented exhale. "God, I really did miss the hell out of this place while I was gone. Nothing quite like the thrill of the culinary world, am I right?"

"I'll say," you agreed easily, draining the last of your bottled water. "That whole gala evening was an adrenaline rush like none other."  

"So go on then, darlin' - give me all the dirty deets from the frontlines." Hazel eyes glittered with renewed energy as Harry flashed you a wolfish grin. "Did Thomason end up being a totally insufferable hard-ass running the kitchen in my absence, or what?"

Unable to resist indulging him a bit, you launched into a play-by-play recap of how the evening had kicked off. "Well, I'll say this - your boy definitely mastered the art of brusque delegating from the moment I stepped through those doors."

"That definitely tracks," Harry chuckled in amusement.

You held up your hands in a placating gesture. "But honestly, he managed to not be a total nightmare for once. Sure, there were still barked insults and slews of obscenities flying around...but Thomason weirdly seemed more patient with me than usual."

"My best guess is that the hardass saw how much weight I was putting on your shoulders to make sure the night went smoothly," Harry supplied. "He knows damn well not to get in my way when I've got a white whale in my sights."

You felt an undeniable swell of pride at his matter-of-fact confidence in your abilities. "Well, whatever the reason, I can't deny Thomason at least made sure I got briefed on every single responsibility under my purview upfront. Nothing left out or unclear."

"Good, that's what I want to hear," Harry nodded in approval. "You damn well better have been prepped to the gills on every last particular after all the hours we spent running scenarios during practice."

"Oh he made sure of it, believe me," you assured him wryly. "I don't think my head stopped spinning from all the prep tasks and oversight duties he laid on me until we were halfway into evening service."

"That's my girl, always rising to the occasion no matter what fresh hell gets thrown your way," Harry said with unmistakable pride. His gaze flicked over to you with open fondness. "So go on then, I'm dying' to hear about the actual execution part. Did the crew and I at least have you guys trained up good to handle the intricate stuff?"

As if on cue, your mouth curved into a smug grin. "Does a flawless plating of your avant-garde centrepiece dish answer your question? Because let me tell you, Chef, those practice runs may have been hellish - but they paid off in spades. We didn't miss a single beat from start to finish on that thing."

Pride resonated in Harry's rumbling laugh. "Ha! That's what I like to hear. I knew I could count on you to hold down the fort and keep those yutz line cooks from falling apart under the pressure."

"Wow, you really are impressed, huh?" You couldn't resist teasing him a bit. "I didn't think I'd ever see the day where Harry  dolled out such lavish praise."

Harry shot you a wry look, but his eyes were twinkling with amusement. "What can I say, you bring out the sappy side in me sometimes, darlin'. Must be all those gooey mentor-mentee feelings."

You laughed, giving him a playful shove. "Sure, keep telling yourself that's what it is. I think we both know the real reason you're so proud of me right now."

"Oh yeah?" Harry's voice dropped an octave, taking on that low, rumbly timbre that never failed to send a shiver down your spine. "And what's that, sweetheart?"

You felt your cheeks warm at the heated undertone in his words, suddenly very aware of the charged tension crackling between you in the confines of the car. Clearing your throat, you opted for a subject change. "So, uh, I have to ask - how are things with your mom? Any updates there?"

Harry's expression sobered instantly, some of the lightness dimming from his eyes as he readjusted his grip on the steering wheel. "It's...been a rough couple of days, that's for sure. But the doctors seem cautiously optimistic after running all their tests and whatnot."

He exhaled a ragged sigh, keeping his gaze firmly fixed on the road ahead. "They were able to get her stabilized, at least. Still lots of treatment and recovery ahead, but...the prognosis isn't quite as dire as we initially feared."

"Harry." You reached over to cover his hand with yours, giving it a gentle squeeze. "That's such a relief to hear. I'm so glad she's going to be okay."

He glanced over at the contact, eyes flickering with some indecipherable emotion before he slowly turned his palm to lace his fingers through yours. The simple gesture felt impossibly intimate in the dim confines of the car.

"Yeah, me too, pet," Harry said gruffly. He fell silent for a long moment, seeming to struggle against the swell of emotion welling up behind his gruff exterior. When he finally continued, his voice had gone low and husky.

"I gotta admit, having to leave everything and fly out there on such short notice...well, it really puts a lotta stuff in perspective for me, you know? Reminds me that there's more to life than just the goddamn kitchen for once."

You felt your breath catch at the sudden vulnerability in his tone, the rawness shining through those rough-hewn features. This was such an unprecedented side of Harry - one you'd never seen him display so openly before. He wasn't the type to indulge in sappy feelings or put his heart on display.

And yet here he was, opening up to you in a way that felt profoundly intimate. Impulsively, you gave his hand a reassuring squeeze, silently urging him to continue.

Harry's gaze was soft when he finally looked over at you again. "I've been so focused for so damn long on my career, on chasing that elusive Michelin star...putting in more hours at the restaurant than I do actually sleeping most weeks. It's been all-consuming, you know? To the point where I've let other important stuff get shoved to the back burner for way too long."

There was a weighty pause before he added in a quieter tone, "Stuff like...well, like relationships. Connections with people outside of the kitchen brat pack. Hell, even making time for my own family before it's too late."

His calloused thumb brushed over your knuckles, sending sparks skittering across your skin. "Being out there this week, it made me realize how much I've let slide while chasing my big culinary dreams. How many people and opportunities I've missed out on by being so goddamn single-minded about the hustle."

You felt your heart give a hard thud in your chest at his words, an undercurrent of meaning thrumming through every syllable Harry uttered. Was he actually...was this leading where you desperately hoped it was leading?

"I don't know, Y/N," he continued, voice going soft and rumbly in a way you'd never heard it before. "Maybe it's time I start setting aside room for more than just food in my life again, you know? Making space for the other shit that actually matters in the end."

Without warning, the car slowed before pulling over to the side of the road. You looked around in surprise, momentarily disoriented - only to suck in a sharp breath when you felt the warm press of Harry's palm cradling your jaw, gently but insistently turning your face towards his own.

His hazel eyes were turbulent but gleaming with unmistakable intent as they roamed over your features, seeming to drink in every last freckle and curve. "Like people," Harry murmured, deep voice gone even more rough and gravelly. "Important people who've been right there in front of me this whole damn time, just waiting for me to get my head out of my ass."

Your mouth went dry as his thumb brushed over the swell of your lower lip in a devastatingly tender caress. "You've been so goddamn strong for me lately, darlin'," he rasped. "Taking charge and killing it even when I had to bail on you guys. Honestly, I've never seen someone rise to an occasion like you did with that whole centerpiece service."

A surge of molten heat flared in his gaze as Harry slowly, incrementally leaned closer with every gravelly word. "Which just makes me wonder...what if I told you how crazy you've been driving me lately with that fierce, take-no-shit attitude and work ethic? How distractingly sexy it's been watching you come into your own in the kitchen?"

Coherent thoughts fled in the wake of his scorching words. All you could process was the heated intent burning from every line of his expression, the delicious timbre of his voice as one calloused palm slid around to cradle the nape of your neck.

Any remaining space between you evaporated as Harry drew inexorably nearer, heated breaths fanning over your parted lips. "Maybe it's time we both stopped ignoring this crazy tension that's been building between us, eh?" His words were nearly a growl, sending liquid fire pooling low in your belly.

"Tell me you want this as badly as I do, darlin'," Harry rasped, nose brushing against yours. "Tell me, and I swear to god I'll - "

Whatever devastatingly filthy promise he'd been about to make was suddenly cut off as you surged upwards to crash your lips against his in a heated clash of hunger and need. Harry made a noise of surprise that quickly morphed into a guttural groan as his big hands pulled you flush against his powerful frame, deepening the kiss with smoldering intensity.

All the frustration and undercurrent of want that had simmered untapped for months between you both finally found an outlet as his mouth slanted hungrily over yours. Harry tasted like smoky whiskey and roasted espresso, the scents you'd unknowingly committed to memory from hours spent shadowing him in the kitchen. Now you could finally indulge in the addictive flavor without restraint, losing yourself in the velvet heat of his lips and the wicked stroke of his tongue.

A desperate whimper escaped you as Harry's fingers wound through your hair, tugging just enough to angle your head for even deeper exploration. He swallowed the sound with relish, growling low in his chest as he took control of the ferocious give and take - a twin to the commanding yet sensual way he moved around the kitchen.

Time seemed to lose meaning as you kissed with reckless abandon, hands roaming wildly over the other's body. Your fingers brushing over Harry's hard pecs and rippling abs, committing every ridge and plane to memory. His calloused palms skimming over the flare of your hips, teasing at the sliver of exposed skin above your waistband as he tugged your shirts aside.

"Fuck," he growled, still cradling you tightly against his muscular frame. One hand drifted up the length of your spine to sift through your tousled hair, something breathtakingly tender. "Been wanting to do that for way too goddamn long, sweetheart."

You let out a shaky exhalation, riding the waves of tingling euphoria coursing over your skin. "Me too," you confessed in a huskier tone than you'd ever heard yourself use before. "God, Harry, I–” you stopped the rest of the words before they escaped your mouth, afraid you were going too far too fast. But he tilted his head downwards, raising his eyebrows and asking you to tell him whatever the hell you wanted to.

“I– say it, darlin’” he urged, swiping one thumb over your face, grazing it tenderly across the apple of your cheek, “No more secrets”

Eventually, the scorching inferno of desire raging between you banked to a low, smoldering burn...though no less devastatingly intense for the minor reprieve. Finally, you drew back just far enough for Harry to rest his forehead against yours, harsh breaths intermingling hotly.

You nodded, taking a deep breath and looking straight into his emerald eyes, “I–I, fuck, I need you, Harry. So–so fucking bad it–hurts”

You confessed, and the look that crossed Harry's face was one mixed with relief and the tiniest hint of lust.

You didn’t need to tell him twice because you barely had the time to catch your breath when he crashed his lips down on top of yours, claiming them once again. He slid so he was more close to you now, hands gripping the back of your head and keeping your face in place for him to kiss you hard. He had been waiting for this for so long–all the longing glances, the pent up, fucked up frustration in him–he was bearing all of it into the kiss that left your mind dizzy and lips swollen./

“Fucking exquisite”

He praised you, and you blushed into his mouth. It was all a blur after that–he gripped your thighs tightly, pulling you from the passenger seat and maneuvering you into his lap. You lowered yourself down, the front of your jeans making a slight contact with the tip of his clothed cock, and the whine he let out was pure sin.

“Gonna make me burst”

He held on to your hips, kneading them in his palms as he watched you settle on top of him. You skillfully aligned his seat as abc as it could go, so he was almost laying down while you sat on top of him. 

“THose hands–they aren’t just good in the kitchen, are they?” he teased, and since now you were on top, you were feeling more powerful.

“Mhmm,” you agreed, unbuttoning his shirt and sliding it off his chest, smoothening your hands down his golden chest, “Wait till you see what else I can do with these”

He let out a gasp as you leaned in, licking up his abs, and kissing his butterfly tattoo. His hands slid to your waist, kneading the soft flesh in his palms and letting you admire and worship his body.

“Cheeky minx “ he said, but the words were swallowed into a groan as you sucked on his nipples, biting them softly and smirking when he rolled his hips upward. He was getting desperate, hips lifting up every now and then in need for relief.

You continued the onslaught of kisses, but wanted to give the poor millionaire some relief. You reached for the button of his pants, undoing it and unzipping his fly. Sitting back up, you pulled them down to his knees, and the sight of his boxers tented…his cock begging to be released from its confines made your mouth water.

Harry couldn’t take it anymore. He sat back up, making you fall back against the steering wheel but caught you just in time, resting his palms on your back. Once you were stable, he undid your jeans as well, wasting no time in pushing one hand inside.

“Oh fuck–Harry–” you cursed, and he could see it on your face–pure lust and arousal. He began to swipe his fingers between your lips, spreading the wetness around and finding your clit–expertly rolling the soft bundle of nerves between his fingers that had you curling your toes. He looked straight into your eyes while doing that too–watching you fall apart from just his fingers.

Once he was done teasing you, he circled his fingers around your entrance, which was completely, devastatingly soaked. You had been dreaming of this for so long–wanting this for so long that now when you were finally going to have him, it felt straight out of a dream.

“So fucking wet–all for me?” he asked, and you nodded, “All–all for you, chef”

“Fuckin’ tease” he cursed before pulling his fingers out, which were now covered in your slick and arousal, and pulling his boxers down, letting hsi cock spring free.

You had seen many cocks. In porn, in real life. But seeing his cock–thick and long, slightly curved towards the tip, which would make it the perfect fit for your needy pussy. The tip was a perfect shade of purplish-red, with a few drops of precum oozing out and making your mouth water once again. You wanted him in your mouth. And he did too, but right now, there wasn’t much time.

You lifted yourself up, pulling your jeans and panties down in one go, till they were near your knees just like his. Positioning yourself right on top of him, he gave his cock a few stroked before resting one hand on your hip. You placed your hands on his shoulders for support, and once your pussy was in contact, his eyes almost rolled into the back of his head.

But he didn’t push it in just yet–rubbed it back and forth between your lips, till your legs threatened to give out, and you squeezed his shoulder.

“Alright, no take backs–” he whispered, and aligned it with your hole, and you pushed yourself down on him, and fuck–was it worth it.

Once he was inside, your mouth fell open. You had been wet, and he hand;t prepped you too much because of it. But the sweet burn of him pushing it in fully–it fueled into your pain kink, and you bit your lower lip, getting up and lowering yourself down on him fully, till your hips were touching his heavy balls.

“So full, I–I feel so fucking full, Harry–” you told him, and he nodded, his adam apple bobbing. He pulled you down for another kiss, and using both hands, he began fucking you on him.

You moaned and screamed into the kiss, the tip of his cock kissing the back of your cervix, his precum leaking from his tip continuously. While you were sure you would be able to take the lead, giving up control and letting him use your body however he wanted–it made you feel really fucking good.

“Good, so fucking good, pet, so tight and snug around me, aren’t you? Could fuck you for days, I swear–”

You would get back at him on that promise for sure, later.

“Denied me of this sweet cunt for so long–gave me those fuck me eyes the first day you came into my restaurant.”

You tried to shake your head to tell him how that wasn’t true, but the words lodged in your throat. You didn’t know how you looked at him, he did.

“No–no Harry, fuck–, I–I wanted to–”

“Fuck me, hmm? The first day you saw me?” he teased, and you pulled his ear lightly.

“No, you dumbo. I–I wanted to push you against the counter and pin your hands beside you and–”

“And fuck me?” he finished your sentence once again, and to get back at him, you squeezed around him. You did it with all the strength you had, and you could swear you felt him harden just a little bit more inside you.

“And how is that different from what I said?” he asked, and you placed your hand over his mouth to shut him up. You tried to ride him this time, using his strong chest to fuck yourself up and down, till your wetness was pooling on the base of his cock. It was a wet mess–your arousals mixed together on the top of his thighs and you were positive it slipped through to the seat.

“Make me–make me cum, chef-” you said, and you felt him smile against your palm. You lifted it up, and he pinned your hands behind your back immediately.

“Chef, huh?” he taunted, and pulled you down for another kiss, halting for mere seconds before you came all over him–wetness oozing out and wetting his cock and balls. He pushed his tongue inside your mouth, the movements mirroring those of his cock in your pussy. It wasn’t long before he came too, emptying himself into your snug heat with a low groan.

He made out with you throughout–never letting your lips rest as his seed filled you up to the brim. The warm feeling had you dizzy, being filled up by the man you admired and wanted for years.

Once you were relaxed, tongues dancing in slow motions, he pulled out and pulled your panties back in place, saving his cum from falling into embarrassing places. You rolled your eyes at him, adjusting your clothes and sitting back on the seat beside.

His eyes gazed into yours with adoration, the car filled with the smell of sex and sweat. The lingering scent of finally giving into something that was building up since day one–it made you feel happy and vulnerable.

He reached out to tuck a stray lock of hair behind your ear, letting his palm linger against your cheek in a tender caress.

"You know, I meant what I said before about not wanting to let this amazing opportunity between us slip away," he murmured, eyes shining sincerely. "After everything we've been through, you've become one of the most important people in my life, darlin'."

You felt your heart swell at his words, leaning into his touch with a soft smile. "And you're one of the most incredible men I've ever known, Harry. I'm just...I'm so grateful we finally took this leap together."

Chuckling warmly, Harry pulled you into a snug embrace, pressing his lips to your forehead in a lingering kiss. "Well, you'd better get used to having me around then, sweetheart. Because I don't plan on going anywhere."

Reaching up, you cradled his whiskered jaw, marveling at how such a hardened culinary genius could look so endearingly unsure in the wake of baring his heart. A soft smile curved your lips as you stroked along the line of his cheekbone with your thumb.

"Harry," you began, keeping your tone low and earnest. "I just want you to know...what we share goes far deeper for me than just some crush or physical attraction. You've been such an incredible mentor, certainly - pushing me to my limits and helping me discover a resilience I didn't know I had. But more than that, you've also become one of the most important people in my life these past few months."

He seemed to still against you, holding his breath as he searched your expression intently. Encouraged by the yearning shining from those soulful hazel eyes, you pressed onward.

"From the very first day, there was just...something about the way you carry yourself in that kitchen, so passionate and uncompromising in your artistry. It inspired me in a way I've never experienced before. And as I got to know the man behind the chef's coat better and better, that admiration grew into something...well, something I couldn't ignore or push away, no matter how much I tried."

You gave a rueful chuckle, shaking your head. "Not that I'm proud of how I handled that, especially at first. I was so terrified of being just another young line cook with an embarrassing crush on the big-shot chef, you know? Of risking the most rewarding professional relationship I've ever had by letting feelings get in the way. So I tried my damnedest to squash it down and keep things strictly business between us."

Harry made a low noise of understanding, one calloused palm drifting up to cradle the side of your face with ineffable tenderness. The pad of his thumb brushed over your lower lip as he gazed at you with naked longing.

"But the more time we spent together, the more I came to realize I wasn't alone in what I was feeling," you continued, emboldened by the smoldering affection gleaming in his expression. "Those heated looks and moments of banter that always left me weak in the knees...the way you'd find any excuse to touch me, even if it was just your hand on my back or brushing my arm. And don't think I didn't catch that molten vibe you gave me after the gala service the other night, Harry."

You gave a breathless chuckle at the memory, watching in satisfaction as his eyes darkened perceptibly from the reminder. "Point is, it's been pretty damn obvious to me for a while now that this crazy, inexplicable tension has been building between us. And after tonight...after you pour your heart out about wanting to open yourself up to something deeper outside of just the kitchen...well, I knew I had to finally stop fighting it."

Cradling his rugged features between your palms, you gazed at Harry with profound sincerity. "I don't want to just be another protegee you take under your wing, Harry. I want...god, I want so much more than that if you'll have me. As more than just your mentee."

The silence that fell between you seemed to stretch out into infinite stillness - until finally, Harry broke it with a shuddering exhalation. His features softened into an expression of pure affection and naked vulnerability.

"Darlin'," he murmured in that low, gravelly timbre that had haunted your dreams. "I gotta say, you're one hell of a woman. Smart, fiercely passionate, and talented as all hell in the kitchen. Any chef in their right mind would count themselves lucky to have that kind of force on their line."

One calloused thumb brushed a stray lock of hair from your forehead in an achingly tender gesture. "But the more I got to know you, the more I realized you were so much more than just a hell of a cook. You've got this...this fire inside, this core of unshakable integrity, that shines through in everything you do." 

A slow, lopsided grin curved his mouth as Harry seemed to drink in your features hungrily. "Truth is, I've been half in love with you since the first time you went toe-to-toe with me over mise en place and didn't back down one inch. Kidfron called me out a while back, said I needed to get my head out  and stop being an idiot about my feelings before I lost my shot with you. And you know what? He was right."

You heard the sharp breath you sucked in at his unexpected confession, suddenly feeling lightheaded from the rushing euphoria of having your own deepest desires affirmed. Harry's smile softened into something unbearably tender.

"I meant what I said earlier, about needing to start making room in my life for stuff that actually matters now," he murmured. "No more letting amazing opportunities or people slip through my fingers while I'm off chasing the next culinary high, you know? From here on out, I wanna do this thing with you - the real deal, not just heated flings or fooling around when it's convenient." 

One calloused palm drifted up to cradle the back of your neck, thumb brushing over your wildly fluttering pulse. "That is...if you're sure you want to go all in with this crazy bastard and whatever baggage he's got. Because I sure as shit don't plan on letting you go after everything we've been through, darlin'. You're stuck with me now."

The last words were issued in a low, rumbly rasp brimming with naked want and promise. You felt a shiver of pure yearning race down your spine as Harry slowly, inexorably drew you back into the smoldering field of his orbit.

"Just to be clear," you murmured, drunk on the whiskey-smoke scent and pure masculine essence of him, "I am absolutely, one-hundred percent sure I want to dive into this thing with you, Harry . The real deal, as you put it - not as mentor and mentee, but as...as partners in every sense of the word." 

A smile you couldn't suppress bloomed over your features as you nuzzled his whiskered jaw adoringly. "You, me, and whatever crazy culinary adventures lie ahead...I can't wait."

Harry rumbled out a low, contented chuckle that vibrated against your skin deliciously. "Sounds perfect to me, darlin'," he rasped, "Absolutely freakin' perfect."

Silence fell between you then, stretching out in a tender, infinitely rich moment of shared affection and promise. Of two hearts irreversibly entwined, embarking together on an endeavor that would change the course of both your lives immeasurably.

Though the road ahead would surely present its own tangle of twists, turns, and daunting challenges yet to come...in that ephemeral pocket of stillness, cradled in the heart of Harry's powerful embrace, you had never felt more vibrantly alive or certain of the path destiny had laid out before you.

No matter what obstacles or battles awaited around the bend, you knew without a shred of doubt that you would confront them as you did everything else - side-by-side with your partner, your equal, your soulmate in every possible sense. Two culinary spirits, unified at long last in a blissful, rapturous understanding.

The rest of the world could keep spinning wildly outside the sheltered cocoon you had woven together. But in this perfect, crystalline moment frozen in time...nothing else mattered beyond the blazing truth ignited between you. From here on out, you would walk through the fire of any culinary pursuit, hand-in-hand, soul-to-soul alongside the man who held your heart.

And in the end, that's all that would ever matter again.

♡~~~♡~~~♡~~~♡~~~♡~~~♡~~~♡~~~♡~~~♡~~~♡~~~♡~~~♡~~~♡~~~♡

tell me if you like this! this series is done, but I'm always open to doing extras and check-ins!

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[ignorant-rat-carcass]

Killing Eve Finale & beyond - thoughts (spoilers-a-plenty regarding the end of the show - so consider yourself warned!)

Okay, so I have thoughts on the ending of the show. And I need to put them down somewhere, so….

Obviously my opinions are just my own; I don't know any of the programme makers involved, their intentions, nor do I know what the future holds for a post-KE future, spin-off's et al, but am quite happy to debate or discuss this if anyone wants. My asks are open. 😊👍

Also please note there is some potentially triggering language used throughout.

This is just my take on the Killing Eve finale, particularly the closing scenes, (although I expect many people may just call it denial - however I'm really just basing my theories and assumptions on over 25 years of study, analysis and experience of and working in storytelling/Television) - spoilers afoot, and long post warning - so here goes......

The 'no body, no proof' thing is a LONG standing trope, used over and over in television and film. Probably not used as much as the shittiest of shity BYG trope, but it's still a lot.

And you know what?! It even applies sometimes when there IS a body!! More times than you might think. I can think of like a dozen examples right off the top of my head!!

I should clarify that by ‘no body’ what I mean is that unless we see a completely lifeless corpse, proven beyond doubt by a (trustworthy*) medical professional, or see them going into the ground, or blown up, or their head shot off, or ripped into a thousand tiny pieces, or hell even blasted the fuck into space without a helmet on, etc etc - ie so unless there is absolutely, definitively, 100%, NO goddamn way in hell's chance of them EVER coming back from it - then their death is NOT certain.

Now Konstantin definitely looked pretty dead to me. Hélène too. I'll quite happily accept those, no issues. Meanwhile Gunn was left very much alive, although I'm really not sure why?!

But personally, I'm not REMOTELY convinced that what we saw of Villanelle in the closing moments could ever be considered absolute undeniable PROOF of her demise. Sure, it really didn't look good for her, but this is fiction and writers have all sorts of (often shitty, and often predictable) cheats ways of getting around something as ‘pesky’ or inconvenient as a character's perceived death getting in the way of a good story.

If we knew Killing Eve was coming back for another season, or maybe even a movie - but as an audience were all under the collective, and intended assumption that Villanelle didn't survive - my guess would be that she did! And THAT'd be the ultimate shock factor the writers were actually going for.

Keep Jodie's involvement under wraps, sure. Close sets and sign the fuck out of NDA's - whatever it takes to keep THAT secret under wraps - but just imagine what a blow up of a return THAT would be?!

And yes, fine, let the audience (provided you haven't alienated them entirely by this point!!) believe for an episode or two (or first act of the movie) that V in fact HAS gone, we all 'know' Jodie 'said her goodbye's to the character and to the show; we moved on. We get it.

So Season 5 (or the movie) gets going - scene, scene, setup, setup, action, action..... then suddenly - Carolyn gets a 'visitor' - WTAF?!!!

VILLANELLE???!!!!

Bang! - FLASHBACK to moments after the shooting on the boat and BOOM! Villanelle is dragged (somehow, ie plot) out of the water alive! But barely. Eve too and she is frantic and heartbroken but hoping against hope! She will NOT lose her AGAIN!!!

Sure, Villanelle takes time to recover, but there's a fucking gold mine of drama there! The vulnerability and tension and tenderness between Eve and Villanelle. We saw crumbs of it throughout the show but this time it's just them for the first time genuinely in it together and actually TOGETHER going through it. With all of the mistrust and second guessing themselves and each other just gone. Just being with each other. And not just content around each other, but happy.

Then, with V eventually getting her strength back - they regroup and work to get their revenge on Carolyn. And whomever pulled the trigger**.

I guess Carolyn was the big bad afterall, so THAT's the finale season I want to see!

(**Surely Carolyn is much like Konstantin and doesn’t get her own hands dirty, right?! I'm thinking Irinia, although why make the unseen shooter mystery ambiguous over everything else - unless that's connected to the spin off?! And why else have her crop up again in the penultimate episode if not to use her further?! If it was to serve as closure for her and Konstantin, it didn't feel like it!). And also, side note…. What the fuck was in K’s letter to C? Did he tell her V killed Kenny?! And if so, did she?! Or was she just killing/having V and E killed to tie up loose ends once The Twelve were gone? Ugh, so many unanswered questions! Thoughts on all of this are very much welcome!

Also, the killing of 'The Twelve' scene felt rather pointless by the end, it was anticlimactic and flat given how much they’ve made a thing of them throughout the show, but this season particularly. To me, it didn't actually bring any kind of meaningful closure to them or answer questions. Jodie was stellar, as always, but the conclusion felt rushed and lacked specifics for me.

So…. All that said, I think at this point, given there is no talk of KE returning, a movie, or any spin off involving Jodie or Sandra I'm not even sure that 'resolving' any of it now would redeem the show for what they did to Villanelle and Eve (in the eyes of much of the audience, and/or the cast if they're also equally unhappy with the direction the show/characters took), and would probably feel more like a 'well that's what we WANTED you to think', knee jerk reaction to the response they'll probably end up getting in any event if they U turned it now.

I don't know if I'd even want that kind of lip-service, I think I'd feel cheated. But, maybe further development of the show/characters in whatever form, in the right hands may provide a more satisfactory closure for the characters, the show, and frankly better serve the audience and cast who poured their hearts and souls into it.

(I mean, who am I kidding! If they did make it, with those two incredible women at the helm - of COURSE I'll fucking watch it!)

So, unless Jodie and Sandra have COMPLETELY ruled out ever returning to these roles (though I sadly suspect that is the case), as far as I'm concerned nothing is off the table and therefore Villanelle is very much Schrödinger's cat until I see evidence to the contrary.

Anyways, that's just my two pennies, and unless anyone can convince me otherwise I'll live happily with that possibility for the foreseeable.

At the very least, I did enjoy the ride immensely, even if I didn’t love the final destination.

Now please excuse me while I go rewatch them a couple hundred times.

*trustworthy - in this instance is a character whom by lying about someone's death serves no purpose to the story and therefore no reason or motivation to lie.

[incorrect-bkdk-quotes]

Hello! I hope it’s okay to ask you questions! I recently re-joined the fandom, bkdk being my main ship had me rewatch and re-read all of their moments! I have some doubts and wanted to ask you about them! We know that bakugou was insecure and punished deku for that. I never understood tho, where exactly is the correlation in this? Also, has he always been worried for deku? Should we see every past moment as him worrying for deku in his own toxic way? ( before actually realising what he felt? ) like when he didn’t want him to join U.A. ? worrying about the quirk? There are these things that I’m not so sure about and I know that are pretty important for them.. so I hope you can explain them to me! I’m sure there’s more I would like to ask, but I don’t even know if I have enough space for my ask eheh

Anon before you decide to hate me, pls understand that I wrote a v nice long meta on this and thought it had been uploaded and I was VERY confused to see that Tumblr just,,,, ate my post,,, :(

I want to rewrite everything I did, but idk if I'll manage to be that eloquent again gdi-

Anyway hello!! I joined the fandom pretty recently myself and I do relate to your experience of combing through the manga + show looking for any nods to your favourite characters and ships!

Before I start rambling, I would like to remind everyone that this is Art, and art is meant to be interpreted.

This is just how / interpreted the story, and it is definitely not the only way to interpret the material, nobody reads into the nuances exactly the same. Also this is bakugou centric bec that's what the anon asked, but dw I have put as much thought into izuku's side of the story too!

Correlation between Bakugou's insecurities and his treatment of Izuku

Ok so I think the correlation comes from the fact that Bakugou has been raised as a typical gifted child, being told he is the best and special and better than everyone else by all the adults or authority figures in his life. However he has also been raised to think that all his "special-ness" comes from his powerful quirk and not him intrinsically. How does he deal with this? By basing his entire identity around his quirk and his sheer power of course and ends up with a self esteem is based in what he can do, not who he is.

This leaves a gaping hole at the core, that's his biggest insecurity. "Who is he without the flashy quirk?" So instead of dealing with that (understandable, he's like what 5? when the quirk kicks in?), he accepts that this is just how the world is. He's just better. More worthy. And everyone will just have to deal with that fact. Not his problem.

Now comes in quirkless izuku, weaker than katsuki in everyway that he saw, but clinging to the same hopes, same ambitions that katsuki did, and it pisses him off while also scaring him. Not exactly in a sentimental i-secretly-worry-about-my-old-friend kind of way.

I just think he's intimidated by Izuku's hero spirit. His insecurity complex manifests as the question- Would he be as driven as Izuku is, to be a hero, if he didn't have the backing of his quirk? That's a hard fucking question that Katsuki is definitely not ready to ask himself. (Oh source? Uh the remedial arc dialogue "if you keep looking down on others, you'll never see your own weakness")

Everything about izuku challenges his perception of the world and he lashes out and tries to squash his own feelings of inadequacy.

And he is convinced Izuku can see through him, and that izuku thinks of himself as a better person and hero than katsuki. Which almost definitely fucks his already fragile self esteem.

Obviously he's wrong to do so. On the other hand he's a child, he's not emotionally mature enough to realise what he's thinking, or contemplate what he's saying before he's said it and that definitely fucks up his relationship with midoriya.

Should we see every past moment through the lens of bakugou being secretly worried for midoriya?

I don't know what we can and should do, I just know that I do not exactly do that. Bakugou wasn't a nice kid and that's just how it is. (What matters is that he worked on himself till he got better and he cares now. He's cared since the early days of watching Deku at UA I'd guess)

I will always view their interactions after UA began with leniency because they're both growing so much.

I do not know how universal this experience is, but a great change, something like going to college, or in this case high school, really Fucks with your world view.

Katsuki has always been the best, far outclassing his peers at everything he did. For the first time he is amongst other strong individuals who can keep up with him, including Deku. Katsuki's still brilliant, but he has to work for that number one spot. (I would go into how his inferiority complex makes it hard for him to accept anything but first spot but we don't have the time)

Just as importantly, Katsuki has also found something at UA, guidance from adults who still expect brilliance, but for more than simply due to his quirk. He also finally makes actual friends (yay bakuquad) who don't turn and flee at the first sign if trouble (.. yes I'm looking saltily at those kids from Aldera who ditched him withinn 2 seconds during that sludge villain attack)

To paraphrase from The Good Place "People change and grow when they receive external love and support, how can we hold it against them if they don't"

With so much changing in his life, is it that hard to believe that Katsuki Bakugou gets better as a hero and as a person?

I am not touching the manga, because idk how much you've read anon, (really the current arc just says it all so clearly!) but even before the end of Season 3, you can see the change in his behaviour.(Yes I'm talking about his acknowledgement of izuku's strength, and yeah Obviously I'm talking about the vulnerability he displays in Deku vs Kacchan 2.0)

And yeah like they say- "the best apology is changed behaviour"

[sorry anon, this veered a little off topic by the end but I hope I hit all your queries??]

[pokemon-ninjago-world]

Headcanon/Pokéninjago version of Lloyd’s identity crisis during season 5 of Ninjago

Got ab 12 likes on the announcement post so here we are: This is an essay-sorta-thing about something I thought and wrote some six years ago. It’s been so long since I wrote this I feel cringy reading it, but it’s tenable in Pokéninjago lore. It’s kind of a mix between my headcanon for the show, and canon of my AU, which is why there is mentions of “evolving” and Pokémon types.

Things to take into account:

Idk if there should be content warnings, but depression mention at least. Otherwise, this is pretty much as intense as season 5 went, just a little more angsty I suppose.

I must say that my version of Lloyd and his identity crisis were inspired by a certain artist’s version of him and by a comic they made about the Child’s Play episode’s aftermath. I don’t dare name the artist, since they don’t wish to be linked with the Ninjago fandom anymore, but some of you might know who I’m referring to. 

I do not know how psychology stuff actually works, all of this was made on grounds of a couple of high school psychology courses and a lot of imagination `:D

I wrote this originally in Finnish and let Word translate it, so this might be v clumsy at points.

Most of the text is under the cut!

                                                  ~***~

When Lloyd was just a small cub, closer to three years, his mother had left him in his father's care. Misako knew the boy would become the Green Ninja and Garmadon would become the Dark Lord. That is why she went looking for any ancient knowledge to avoid the final confrontation. Although her heart was torn since she had to leave her loved ones, she knew that she couldn’t just sit on her hands, and that perhaps she was the only one that could prevent the decisive battle between good and evil. It was also her wish that the father and the son could spend as much time together as possible. Thus, Lloyd's earliest childhood memories are about his father, and his recollections of his mother are blurry, obscure, and fading away as he grows up, or mixing with other memories.

            Dad meant everything to little Lloyd. Although they lived in the same monastery with Lloyd’s uncle as well, whom he also liked, his own father was still the greatest. Garmadon also loved his child deeply and wanted him to have a happy life. Although the poison in his veins was starting to get a hold of him and he was increasingly drawn to the Golden Weapons, his love for Lloyd and the desire to be with him in anticipation of Misako's return kept him away from them for much longer than if the boy had never existed.

                    When Lloyd "evolved," he lost some important years of his life, during which a youngster usually developes a picture of himself and his changing body. Lloyd's body changed in a single moment and even though his mind also changed to some degree, it was still mostly on the same level as before, since artificial aging did not bring him the years of experience that growing up normally would. From that moment on, he had to form himself a new image of himself. Frankly, he was facing a fierce identity crisis.

                     After the episode Child's Play, Lloyd adopted an identity whose foundation was flimsy and unstable. It consisted of a few simple pillars that supported his image of himself. Some emotions, thoughts, and memories that he could not, wasn’t able to or didn’t dare to deal with, secretly and slowly gnawed at those pillars like erosion. They grew into doubt that settled into the cracks like rockfoil.

                     That flimsy foundation for his self-image, consisted of these elements: I am the Green Ninja. I'm the strongest ninja of all. I’m the son of  sensei Garmadon. I’m the grandson of The First Spinjitzu Master. I'm one of the Elemental Masters. I'm a student of Sensei Wu. I'm one of the five elemental ninjas. It's my destiny to protect the world from evil.

                     This made it easy for Morro to destabilize and crush Lloyd’s self-esteem. Morro proved himself to be stronger and more independent than Lloyd, and that he could win him over and over again, no matter how hard Lloyd tried to fight back. Lloyd felt weak and desperate. Two pillars of his self-image collapsed to the ground and the masked emotions and doubts that chipped away at the other columns began to grow and intensify: He was not the strongest ninja and was therefore unable to protect the world from this evil.

                     This also affected his view of him as the Green Ninja. Although logically he still was just that – the Golden Weapons and his powers had proven it – he could not help but think that maybe Morro really was supposed to be the Chosen One. His identity was cracking, which ate away at his strength and self-esteem. Being a Psychic Type, his greatest strength resided in his psyche, and whenever his mind was in an unstable and vulnerable state, he couldn’t do his best, even if he had used everything he had learned. Losing his father fairly recently had already struck a dangerous notch in his mental stability.

                     Even though Lloyd was still his father's son, it didn't feel the same when he was no longer with him. Finally, he was only driven forward by his relationship with his other loved ones. He had to do everything he could to stop Morro from harming his friends. By protecting them he was also protecting the last intact remnants of his Self.

                     Lloyd did everything he could to resist Morro's possession. From time to time a memory of his friends and the will to keep them safe increased his "self-control," weakening the ghost's hold on him. However, a long, grueling time in constant motion, without water and nourishment, poisoned by a cold, vindictive spirit, steadily filled his mind with anguish and despair. Doubts penetrated deep into the tears of his self-image, breaking everything old until he no longer knew who he was. Only with the last bits of his mental strength could he interfere with Morro's possession so that he failed to clear the other ninjas out of his way.

                     Then, when Morro broke away from Lloyd's body, the Espeon felt like nothing more than an empty, broken shell floating aimlessly in the dark, beachless sea. He was unable to live up to any of the expectations and goals that had been set for him. Now, he was used as a trade-in item in the market of the world’s destiny. He longer had the strength or power to save even his best friends. He was as helpless as a newborn pup and all he could do was to stand by and apologize when he was traded for Realm Crystal.

                      Somewhere from his past, he dug up one last spark of strength. Already as a child, he had been left alone with unfriendly people, who then had ignited that stubborn flame in him: the desire to fight the cruel, unjust and repressive world. His body still had more strength than his mind, and this momentary burst of grit made him kick the Crystal out of Morro's hand. This, however, caused him to end up in the freezing stream, all his energy used up. There was not much left but a primitive desire to survive and a little strength to keep his head afloat before the cold numbed his muscles.

                     Lloyd's mind was in shambles. Images, memories, shattered fragments of his adopted identity… they all churned in his tired, blurred consciousness. Unintentionally, he began to go through the feelings of uncertainty, fear and inadequacy that he had denied from himself for years. The present seemed more surreal than the memories. He relived moments that had had a revolutionary impact on his life: When the golden weapons pointed him out as a Green Ninja; when he grew up under the influence of Tomorrow's Tea; when he met his mother and became to know her; when he unleashed the Golden Dragon in the Temple of Light; how he fought the Overlord who was possessing his father; how he harnessed his True Potential; got his father back; lost Zane; reunited his friends again and felt great togetherness with the other Elemental Masters. When he lost his father again. And when Morro possessed him.

                     Lloyd was lost. If it wasn’t for his friends and their care, he would have sunk deep into depression (and, on the other hand, drowned or, at the very least, died of hypothermia). When Kai carried him out of the FSM’s tomb, it triggered a very clear memory of the day when the Master of Fire had fulfilled his potential and Lloyd had been identified as the Chosen One. That day, Kai had come to save him from an erupting volcano and carried him to safety. Now, Lloyd felt like he was that little scared cub again, who had for a moment thought he was going to burn to the ground in the boiling lava of the volcano. He remembered how Kai's closeness had brought a feeling of immediate security around him. Even though the mountain had raged and wanted to kill them both, Lloyd had known he didn’t have to be afraid. Kai was there. He'd protect Lloyd. There was no reason to fight the fear anymore, he didn't have to pretend like he was tough. He was carried by someone older and stronger, whom to rely on.

                     The feeling was so intense, the memory so vivid that Lloyd was overwhelmed by an inexplicable, immense grief. The sadness of being forced to give up a carefree childhood so early on, to take on an enormous responsibility and assume a role that seemed too demanding for such a small boy to perform. He had had to grow up way too soon. He started shaking from holding back the tears. He didn’t mind since he thought Kai was probably assuming that he was shivering from the cold. But when Kai said quietly and understandingly: "Shh... It's okay... Don't worry about it," the last wall of pride and fear fell, and Lloyd could no longer repress his weeping.

                     At this point, he slowly began to build a new identity on the ruins of the wrecked one. He understood that even though he was the Green Ninja, it didn’t make him greater or more important than the others. He had more magical power than anyone else, but he was still only a person just like them. He could hesitate, too, and fail. There was no way for him to do anything more than what he was capable of, mentally, physically, and skill-wise. That’s all there was to offer, and if it wasn't enough, there were others whom he could rely on. Others, who would catch him when he ran out of strength. He wasn't the last link to hold the whole structure together.

                     These ideas developed slowly in Lloyd's exhausted mind. Slowly, he got stitched back up from the fragments of his previous self-image. This time, however, his new identity was not something that was given to him from the outside, in which he would have had to fit himself, but it was a solid, authentic self-image created as a result of self-reflection. It was still obscure, uncertain and seeking its form, and its growth was overshadowed by fear. But the conversation with his father drove away that last fear. The fear that Morro was supposed to be the Green Ninja instead of Lloyd. His father assured that Lloyd’s qi had no influence on how he should live and act. He should live the way his heart told him to.

                     In the end, although Morro managed to beat Lloyd one last time, this time he did not break down. He was more intact now, he had more inner strength, and he knew for sure he wouldn't be abandoned. That the fate of the world wasn't really up to him. He may have been part of the story, but after all, he wasn't the protagonist, at least not the only one of them.

[mego42]

207 Discussion Q’s

shout out and thank you to @pynkhues for putting these together even though she wasn’t gonna be here this week

1. What was your favourite scene of the episode? Tell us why!

obvs the dubby but underrated fav is Ruby and Jane in the closet, idk exactly why but I am starved for the families interacting with each other content (screw the timeline, the most unrealistic aspect of this show is that they aren’t constantly in and out of each other’s houses with ben and sara continually being called on to babysit) so this little snippet makes me levitate

2. Was there any scene that missed the mark for you? And if so, how?

the annie and noah scenes for sure. I mostly feel betrayed bc I really liked them the first time I watched (i have a lot of built in affection for sam huntington let me live) and now I’m like BEGONE FOUL BETRAYER and feel pre-emptive fatigue over annie’s taste in men and how that’s not going to get better any time soon

3. I know time does not exist in the Good Girls universe (or in reality anymore), but let’s start with a timeline question! The implication of the opening montage is that a bit of time has past since Beth strongarmed the partnership with Rio at the end of 2.06. How long do you think it’s been? And more importantly, what do you think these early days of their partnership looked like?

I tend to lean towards at least 2 months, maybe more based on:

the number of shoeboxes and how many times Beth’s shown making a closet deposit

how lived in their annoyance over Beth’s dividing her time and Rio pushing back feels

the implication (at least how i read it) that Rio’s annoyance stems from having to track Beth down which presumably implies they’d grumbled their way into a semi-functional working relationship prior (supported by their ease with each other in 208) and if the montage has only been a month, that would be a maximum of 4 meetings and I don’t particularly think that’s enough time for them to get over being extremely prickly with each other

the fact that Beth goes to Rio for help when Jane’s missing (again, to me implies a longer period of time to get over some of their antagonism than a max of 4 meets)

I imagine their initial partnership went something like Beth being a smug brat about forcing her way in, Rio being deliberately unhelpful and trying to force her to admit she’s in over her head (while still keeping enough of an eye on things that his money isn’t jeopardized), Beth stubbornly refusing to and finding ways to rise to the occasion, Rio being grudgingly impressed, Beth being annoyed with herself for how pleased she is over that. Lather, rinse, repeat until they’ve worn a cantankerous but bizarrely comfortable groove into each other.

meanwhile, Mick, Annie and Ruby are absolutely disgusted by everything happening in front of their eyes.

4. The first scene between Ruby and Turner in this episode is a really dynamic one! It’s pretty clear that Ruby’s afraid of Turner, but what do you think Turner thinks of Ruby?

I think he sees a big cartoon canister labeled "Beth Boland Bait"

5. Taking the kids to the drop was a pretty big mistake! What do you think Beth should’ve done in this instance? Do you think saying no again to Rio was an option?

CALLED BEN OR SARA FOR A BABYSITTING ASSIST. For fucks’ sake.

And yeah, I think she could’ve said no to Rio but he would’ve kept her cut of that drop and, even worse, would’ve been able to hold the fact that she didn’t deliver that one time over her head forever more.

6. The krav maga teacher offers some sage advice telling Dean to not order the hit and instead just divorce his wife, haha. Do you think that he thought the baby hitmen would come through for Dean? Or do you think he was deliberately setting Dean up to get robbed?

I choose to believe the krav maga teacher knew exactly what kind of an idiot Dean was and set him up because the dude clearly had at least two brain cells to rub together and anyone with two brain cells to rub together would never get tangled up in a murder plot with Dean standing on the street corner telling random bystanders in detail how he wants to kill the guy that fucked his wife what do you mean established means and motive Boland.

7. During Ben and Annie’s tense conversation, Ben tells Annie that she’s hard to keep track of - she’s parent mom, cool mom, sketchy mom. In a lot of ways, this feels like a parallel to Ruby talking to Beth in the last episode and calling her ‘drug Beth, gun Beth, human trafficking Beth’. What do you make of this? And how do you think it relates to the show’s themes?

I defer to @foxmagpie’s answer because I like it a lot. 

8. The scene with the girls in the house! Tell me all your thoughts please!!!

I love this scene a lot

Beth’s channeling Rio in general but also specifically in 201 you will never ever change my mind

Sometimes I lie awake at night wishing Rio had seen it

Prayer circle that he sees a version of it in s4

Can you imagine the nightmare level of boner he would get? The sheer narcissism!!

Ruby’s obvious wish for new friends is The Most Valid

I really love the main drug den guy, I love Blake Shields’s energy, it makes the scene crackle, and I wish they’d bring him back purely bc he’s gr9

9. Annie meets Noah in this episode! What do you think of their introduction to one another? And how would you rate Noah on the scale of ‘Garbage Annie Love Interests’?

at least he’s not her therapist I guess

10. Beth has two pivotal and emotionally revealing fights this episode - one with Dean and the other with Rio. How do these fights compare? And what do you think they tell us about her respective relationship with them?

UUUNNNNNFFFFFFFF

I L O V E how hard the show goes on Dean’s obsession with Beth and Rio as the primary source of his angst

the fact that he’s trying to rope Stan into murder while looking for Jane who isn’t even MISSING but Dean had NO IDEA bc instead of giving a shit he went straight to HOW CAN THIS BE THAT GUY’S FAULT

I love how clearly they delineate that it isn’t about Beth but specifically about someone else ~*~taking~*~ Beth from him and how emasculated that makes him feel (something something something the storyline opens with the krav maga guy choking him out and then telling him to divorce her and Dean being like I reject your rational and logical solution bc it doesn’t punish the man who touched my property, idk i have a half baked thought there but i can’t pull it out of my brain)

and then it’s all underscored how little Dean’s worried about Beth and her safety by him bringing her work up specifically as a gotcha (which, unless I’m forgetting something, is p much the only context Dean ever brings it up in besides maybe the sit down fight but that’s again, about Beth acting out vs genuine concern)

Meanwhile, this is contrasted with:

Beth flipping tf out at the mere suggestion Rio would ever hurt her children, showing how deeply and instinctively she trusts him in regards to her children aka what’s been established as her Most Important Priority over and over (in the same breath that she rips into Dean for losing Jane in the first place)

which is doubled down on her immediately going to Rio for help

and he is FURIOUS at her, but the thing he leans hard on isn’t how she could have jeopardized the business deal (aka his money, what’s been established as his Most Important Priority over and over) but how she jeopardized herself and how badly she can fuck up if she doesn’t take this seriously

putting himself in a vulnerable position (presumably burning a connect, letting on that Beth means something to him beyond business) to look out for Beth’s emotional well-being

And then, just to drive it home a little further, @sothischickshe pointed out the Beth and Rio fight over Beth’s self preservation is directly paralleled with Stan freaking out at Ruby over the IA stuff because he’s worried about her and I had to go and stare at a blank wall for a few minutes to calm down.

anyway, draw your own conclusions.

11. Ruby takes Jane being missing as an opportunity to try and find evidence on Beth for Turner and, in the process, finds Jane too. How do you think this scene captures Ruby’s moral dilemma? And do you think it’s a satisfying turning point in the Ruby-Turner arc?

I struggle a lot with the Turner and Ruby plot specifically because I HATE that Turner’s ruthlessly leaning on Ruby as the weak link but I’m also ferociously attracted to him so I’m less bothered by it than I feel like I should be so mostly I just try not to think about any of it.

Idk, I see it in some ways as a continuation of Ruby’s fight with Beth and Annie in s1 where Annie said she isn’t blood. They put Ruby on the outside but when push comes to shove, Ruby still puts the two of them above her own family. As far as I’m concerned, Annie still owes Ruby a massive apology for that. Beth I let off the hook a little because by the end of the season she’s ready to turn herself in to make it all go away for all of them (I think, unless I’m misremembering, which is entirely possible bc I don’t think I’ve ever rewatched all of 213)

12. RIO GETS BETH THE DUBBY!! That’s it, that’s the question. Please discuss.

I think a lot about how the gesture is so baldly honest neither one of them can face it either at all (Rio) or without taking a shot first (Beth) which, now that I’ve typed it out, is also an interesting flip of their general MO bc under normal circumstances I’d put Rio down as the one that, of the two of them, is more willing to face stuff whereas Beth’s the one that hides from it.

[mischiefandmystics]

LFRP: Sun’ra Zhawn

B A S I C S .

FULL NAME: Śūn'ra Yatā PRONUNCIATION: SHoon-ra Ya-ta ALIAS: Sun’ra Zhawn NICKNAME(S): Blu, Sun, various epithets from various people AGE: 25 BIRTHDAY: 16th Sun of the 6th Umbral Moon ETHNIC GROUP: Miqo’te/Keeper of the Moon NATIONALITY: Meracydian LANGUAGE(S): Common, Huntspeak, some sign language  SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Open to interpretation  ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: Open to interpretation  RELATIONSHIP STATUS: In a relationship with Maril Hawker, but still a ho HOME TOWN/AREA: An island off the coast of the main Meracydian continent CURRENT HOME:  N/A, wanders and has several hideouts throughout Eorzea PROFESSION: Bandit, Street Pharmacist, Chef, Back Alley Surgeon

P H Y S I C A L .

HAIR: Cotton candy blue and pink, thick, coarse, and with the slightest of waves EYES: Bright, intense, and vivid violet in color. Almond shaped and often with constricted pupils FACE: Sharp, symmetrical, and expressive with a round, wide nose LIPS: Full, soft, and usually smirking COMPLEXION: Deep russet brown BLEMISHES: N/A SCARS: Rare, faded, but heavy around the hands and knuckles. There are none of any particular note or story. TATTOOS: Clan markings on his face HEIGHT: 5′8 WEIGHT: 162 BUILD: Muscular, athletic, compact, and broad shouldered. DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Clan markings, hair color, intense stare, facial and ear piercings ALLERGIES: N/A USUAL HAIR STYLE: Cut short or chin length at most, no particular style, left to do what it wills. USUAL FACE LOOK: Prone to sharp toothed grins, teasing or taunting glances, and focused, unblinking stares. USUAL CLOTHING: Fitted leather and cloth, or loose linen pieces in either black or bright and vibrant colors. COMMON ACCESSORIES: Black choker, fingerless gloves, gold bracelets, and gold sunglasses(if during the day)

P S Y C H O L O G Y .

FEAR(S): Dying ASPIRATION(S): Longevity in banditry, general hedonism, and to grow and synthesize the most potent drugs with the cleanest highs. POSITIVE TRAITS: Charming, Truthful, Diligent, Loyal, Creative, Patient, Astute NEGATIVE TRAITS: Unabashedly Evil, Excessively Violent, Cunningly Manipulative, Largely Unpredictable  MBTI: ENFJ-A  ZODIAC: Sagittarius TEMPERAMENT: Sanguine-Choleric  SOUL TYPE(S): The Warrior & The Sage ANIMAL(S): The Wolf & The Crocodile VICE HABIT(S): Murder, Fogweed, Sensation Seeking FAITH: Agnostic GHOSTS?: Unsure AFTERLIFE?: Unsure REINCARNATION?: Unsure ALIENS?: Yes POLITICAL ALIGNMENT: Vaguely anarchist leaning, but otherwise unconcerned. EDUCATION LEVEL:  Homeschooled and private tutelage while young, various forms of apprenticeship after leaving home, and continues to study and practice his trade and interests as an adult.

F A M I L Y .

FATHER: Zai’zi Routak; Alive MOTHERS: Śūn Yatā; Alive SIBLINGS: 14 sisters and 4 brothers EXTENDED FAMILY: Various aunts, cousins, nieces, nephews, etc. PETS: A nutkin named Chip, a mameshiba named Bombo, and a war panther named Jean-Baptiste Sevigny. NAME MEANING(S): Fifth son of Śūn Yatā   HISTORICAL CONNECTION?: N/A.

F A V O R I T E S .

BOOK: The medical journals pertaining to anatomy and physiology from Maril’s library.  DEITY: Sophia HOLIDAY: Valentione's Day  MONTH: July SEASON: Summer PLACE:  Mor Dhona WEATHER: Sunshower SOUND(S): The cacophony of active voices in a crowded room, the rhythmic breaking of waves against the shore, and the sharp, surprised, intake of breath by a person once stabbed. SCENT(S): Petrichor, blood, medicinal herbs, and burning wood. TASTE(S): Sharp, hot, and spicy peppers, bitter and sour tastes like lemons, and the savory and rich flavor of spiced cinnamon. FEEL(S): Textures that are sticky or tacky like blood, or gritty like sand, or rough like calloused hands. ANIMAL(S): Coeurls, Nutkins, Dogs NUMBER(S): 16 COLOR(S): Red, Blue, Pink, Purple, and Yellow

E X T R A .

TALENT(S): Cooking, mathematics, sleight of hand, hand-eye coordination BAD AT:  Drawing, hiding emotions, magic TURN ONS: Competence, violence, passion, assertiveness, risk-taking, vulnerability TURN OFFS: Spinelessness, arrogance, dishonesty HOBBIES: Botany, singing and songwriting, playing guitar, stalking people, exploring ruins TROPES:  It Amused Me, Sadist, Pragmatic Villainy, No-Nonsense Nemesis, Because I’m Good At It, Machiavelli Was Wrong, Even Evil Can Be Loved, Even Evil Has Loved Ones QUOTE(S): N/A

T R A I T S .

extroverted / in between / introverted disorganized / in between / organized close minded / in between / open-minded  calm / in between / anxious disagreeable / in between / agreeable cautious / in between / reckless patient / in between / impatient outspoken / in between / reserved leader / in between / follower empathetic / in between / apathetic optimistic / in between / pessimistic traditional / in between / modern hard-working / in between / lazy cultured / in between / uncultured  loyal / in between/ disloyal faithful / in between/ unfaithful

P O S S I B L E   H O O K S .

Drug Dealer: Śūn’ra is a drug dealer, and a fairly good one at that. He has his own distinct wares to offer, but will also make the effort to procure whatever a client desires beyond his normal fare. This is however, with the exception of Somnus as he refuses to deal with that particular substance in any capacity. Still, if one is looking for a quick fix, or a reliable long term supplier, he is always happy to provide.

Banditry: What Śūn’ra considers as his main “job”, is the thing he’s been doing the longest, and what he finds himself to be really good at. He has been known to take advantage of the Ala Mhigan refugees outside of Ul’dah, the Doman refugees who once made their temporary home around Mor Dhona, the various downtrodden in Gyr Abania, and generally any random, lightly armored person or persons on a dark road in and around the various housing districts. If you want to be a victim, a hero, a like-minded individual, or simply heard curious, ominous rumors of people being robbed and/or murdered in the dark, feel free to explore the possibility.

Hired Hand: As he’s generally always on the search for or considering the potential of the next thrill, Śūn’ra tends to keep his ear to the underground when it comes to offerings of various “unsavory” jobs. Whether you need an assassin, a torturer, a kidnapper, or someone to shake down those indebted to you, he’s generally up for the task. Additionally, while the Keeper himself has no grandiose plans for mass destruction, conquest, or the like, he’s more than happy to help those who do - for a price, and for as long as going along with his employer’s ambitions is more thrilling than the escapades of those attempting to put a stop to them... 

Dungeon-Diving: Śūn’ra has found that he rather enjoys heading into various dungeons and ruins in search of relics to either keep for himself or to sell for overinflated prices. The threat of monsters, voidsent, and other ne'er-do-wells amuses and excites him. It is possible to run into him alone, scoping out a location for possible treasures, or to convince him to join your own expedition.

General Evil-doing: In simplest terms, Śūn’ra finds evil things to just generally be more fun than good things. He’d like to meet others of a similar mindset, and isn’t shy about tracking such individuals down if he catches wind of them.

L O O K I N G   F O R .

I am looking for both short and long term RP with villainous contacts, friends, and business collaborators for various dubious plotlines, one shots, and experimental campaigns. Ideally something long term, with characters willing to get their hands dirty and not prone to passivity. 

Rivals, enemies, and people to thwart and be thwarted by. It’s not fun if he always wins or gets his way. People who are able to stand up to him and hold their own are wanted too. Doesn’t have to be long running as I am open to heroic one shots as well.

Pretty much anything. There’s a wide world of RP out there to be had, and various types of plotlines. I’m always open to hear things out, and even if I’m not super into something, we can shape it into something that works well for the both of us. Śūn'ra as a character has a wide variety of interests and hobbies, and not everything has to be about violence or mayhem(though that is the main focus), so please, if you have an idea, let me know!

C O N T A C T .

Here! On Tumblr!

In game via: Sun’ra Zhawn@balmung

@ffxiv-crystal-rp​

[justkimberley]

HSMTMTS Thoughts Episode 1

Episode 2 Episode 3 Episode 4 Episode 5

Ms. Jenn watching HSM in her car is a mood

Ricky seems so excited to “start over” (oof)

She sounded neutral, that’s good right”

Ok, here’s the thing though… announcing that you love someone FOR THE FIRST TIME should be a private thing, not posted for the world to see (in my opinion).

Oof, Ricky’s face, that baby is not sure how to deal with love

“oh,”

So here’s the thing, at this point the audience doesn’t know this yet, but as I am rewatching this, I know what’s going on and Ricky at this point has no frame of reference where “love” works. He thinks that his parents are still in love (or at least he hopes), but his mom has been going away for long periods of time, he knows that their marriage isn’t doing too hot, and he is in the middle of it. Of course he couldn’t say it.

“It was a BREAK it wasn’t a break UP.” “ I’m sorry Ricky, but it’s a break UP now.”

*strong independent Nini face**sad and confused Ricky face*

Ok so like, I love Courtney and she gets better as the season goes on but the “I’m dismantling the patriarchy this year, and I’m not afraid to start with you,” was just,,, I don’t know I guess it just reminds me of the people that I went to high school/worked with that were all talk and buzzwords and no actual sustenance

The “interviews” where Nini’s like: “everything is great” and Ricky is like; “everything is terrible, love is dead” is hilarious and I love it

I love Big Red 

Ugh… Miss Jenn is too much, (she might be my least favourite character I’m sorry) “triggered as a millenial” line also gross, thanks

Carlos - BABEY

Nini has some serious imposter syndrome

Carlos is NOT a HSM historian. You can’t have only seen the first movie all the way through and not seen the other ones.

BROADWAY

Mr. Mazzara, the epitome of my least favourite type of teacher

“We don’t call colleagues sweetie,” you know what? Point to you Mr. Mazzara, that is a thing we shouldn’t do. Very patronizing.

I feel like Mr. Mazarra would be more likable if he didn’t have a mustache? Weird thought but okay

“Looking this fabulous while also fighting for intersectional feminism IS my job” again, buzzwords and no sustenance

V hudge - uhhhh??? No one says that.

All the talented senior girls graduated last year” that is probably the most realistic line in the series

Yay finally good Courtney, actually showing us a little bit about who she is

EJ noticed Nini two years ago, why did he not talk to her until the summer?

I know what he does later is not good, but he does really like her and he cares about her, so at least that counts for something

Natalie! I forgot about her, I wish she had a bigger part in the rest of the show

Nini’s grandma and her moms!

Nini’s imposter syndrome returns

Ricky’s dad! He’s trying so hard to give Ricky’s mom space, and he’s stressed and obviously Ricky is aware, but at least his dad is trying to be reassuring “it’s gonna be fine bud”

Also why does nobody talk about how what Ricky’s mom is doing is kind of really shitty? Like she left her child for weeks at a time, without explaining what was going on?

“Shouldn’t he be fighting to save this?” *goes to fight to save his relationship*

“I’m actually bummed that we don’t have any competition here” - also a very realistic line but the cockiness needs to go (I’m guessing it might be a major point in his redemption. He’s definitely used to getting what he wants all the time, so it would be good to see him start to accept that that’s just not how life works)

Gina! - Sofia Wylie’s dancing, so good

Also, who is the guy with the grey/white hair? He’s one of my favourites.

Also how do they think that Gina should be Gabriella? She’s definitely more of a Sharpay, and if they want to go with a boy for Sharpay (we love Seb) then she should at least be Ryan (why not genderbend the both of them?). She should be someone who is super out there and has lots of musical numbers so she can dance and show off her talent and personality, Gabriella just isn’t that kind of character.

Also miss Jenn’s type casting is really not my thing (you look like a Taylor, you’re a Chad, etc. Should they not just choose who they want to audition for and then be put where they actually fit?)

“I dabble…” (Ashlyn, we love you) also why would Miss Darbus have a power ballad?

“This is my nightmare” *getcha head in the game on repeat *

That Armie Hammer comment is creepy, Miss Jenn

Once again, Gina is too much of a powershow for Gabriella. She’s not showing the vulnerability

Also a look into Gina’s home life that I forgot about. “If you’re not the best don’t do anything at all,” Yikes, total stage mom living vicariously through her daughter? Maybe?

That british accent thing is very strange and also never addressed again (so far) whyy? Why did they do it?? Does anyone in real life actually do this?

“That is why I love you” - *wide eyed flashback* also EJ, its been like one month, slow down tiger

“That’s a really big thing to post online” my thoughts too, Ricky

Okay so here’s my thoughts about Ricky calling the break. His mom has been away for a long time (because of the whole divorce thing) so in his mind, being far away from each other means that the love thing will kind of be messed up and also like his mom texts him right before and definitely reminds him.

It also gives us sight into what Ricky thinks will happen with his parents. He thinks as soon as his mom comes home for good that it will all be fine with his parents, and that’s not what happens (as we know from episode 4). This is also mirrored in Ricky and Nini’s relationship.

Also long distance for teenagers? (grade 10s going into grade 11 at that point) like that isn’t something they’ve ever been told could work

I’m not saying that Nini’s reaction isn’t valid, I’m just trying to explain what I think is going on with Ricky

Although Nini is the only person Ricky goes to for advice, so shouldn’t she kind of be aware of these issues? Although I guess Ricky’s not even very aware of what’s going on at this point either

“Troy would have arrived on time” incorrect - many people have mentioned this but like, Troy was always late. It’s a major plot point in all of the movies.

EJ’s “You got this babe,” is what caused Miss Jen to spill on the light thing and then made the lights go out → metaphor? EJ is actually stifling Nini by being so “supportive” (by accident)

“I’m not thrown,” queen! Literally 1. Boyfriend tells her he loves her causing slightly traumatic flashback 2. Ex boyfriend runs in to auditions for something he’s said he hates and 3. Lights get messed. We stan. Not thrown, what a legend. (and then proceeds to sing and face her dream fears)

Ricky! With the flashlight first, because he believes in her, EJ with his light because he needs to one up Ricky.\

RED! Coming to support his friend.

Temp -tress girl → then immediately improvises lines just to tell Nini that he loves her

“Was this in the movie?” Miss Jenn and Carlos → fake fans

“Cause that’s like not even a word your parents say to each other anymore” ��� he’s trying to explain his actions (or lack thereof). Also ow, that is a hard thing to hear.

I like Ricky’s version better than Nini’s oops

Also Nini is charmed by it, even though she doesn’t want to be → cue jealous EJ

Everyone subtly impressed, and also are like “awww”

“Don’t not love you” so quietly, this boy has emotional intimacy problems and he needs to talk to a therapist or something cause his parents are really messing him up with their divorce, or “legal separation” I guess. I don’t really know what the difference is.

Ricky’s face when Nini tells him he broke her heart → immediate regret

“I… don’t… not… love you,” oof

Nini and Ashlyn’s faces, my babies are so excited they got their parts!

Gina, shocked

“She thinks I’m a ChAd?”

Ricky looks so impressed with himself and he’s also like *play ball, let’s go boys*, Nini’s like *uh oh*, and EJ’s like *maybe I’ll slip him a rotten egg too*(oop ep. 4 spoilers)

[bsbear]

The Voice 9/23 Commentary & Spoilers

Disclaimers and Notes

1) Don’t share my notes outside of my tumblr (that means reblogging as well). My tumblr is now private to those with tumblr accounts. 1iota has been more strict with not letting spoilers come out this season. If I see my notes shared around, I will stop sharing.

2) My memory is probably 80% accurate. Unfortunately, I don’t have a photographic memory lol so don’t come at me if I am wrong at times with the artist outcomes.

3) Don’t ask me about artists not on Team Blake or Gwen as I focused on those artists more. Guilty.

Random Commentary

1) Kelly does talk as much as you see on the show, even more so what you see edited on tv. She is very expressive and emotive. She even cries more than Gwen, no joke.

2) Kelly and Gwen get along great. They chat a lot during breaks. Gwen even got Kelly some coffee/drink during a break. During another break, the back of Kelly’s dressed hiking up her butt without her noticing and Gwen saw and helped pull it down properly. Blake probably gets out of his chair the most to come talk to Gwen or Kelly/Gwen. 

3) Blake is not weak as some people online implied. One gotta remember that with Adam and Blake, they can go at each other hardcore. Blake doesn’t have that dynamic without any of the current panel. And despite what Kelly says, Blake does not give Gwen artists, he pitches just like usually for artists he wants. Just because Blake doesn’t insult any of the current judges the way he does Adam, doesn’t mean he’s weak. Plus, you have to remember you are not seeing the full pitches of the coaches, just the edit tv version.

4) Blake goes for bathroom or for munchies break the most lol.

5) It’s kind of annoying how the show at times edit the auditions and it’s obvious who the artist is gonna pick. Like give us suspense and lets us hear all the coaches talk a bit.

Artist Commentary

Key:   *** = artist going to the live shows (these are people I am 98 % sure are going to the lives, don’t ask me about other artists without the asterisk marks cause either I am not sure on them  or they aren’t on team Blake or Gwen so I don’t focus on them

Episode 1: 9/23/19 (Monday)

Katie Kadan (Team John ***)

This was the singer that I liken to Jordan from season 9 but with personality. The studio audience liked her a lot. And the coaches rave around her too. People that write Voice recaps also seem to live her as well. If Kelly wasn’t blocked, Katie would have went with Kelly for sure. Personally, I think she is talented but belting voices like hers usually gives me a headache and I do think the rave around her is a bit much.

Jake HaldenVang (Team Gwen ***) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35FMIhJDKtI

Jake’s voice sounds even better live. It really has power and cuts through. I am loving that team Gwen has a rocker going to the lives this season. I mentioned multiple times that this season has a lot of good singers so he gotta show some personality so he stands out. He has kind of quiet personality that I have seen thus far. I hope to see his rock out in the later shows.

What’s funny about Kelly saying going team Gwen  during this season, sometimes the coaches won’t turn for an artist because they feel it’s more toward a certain coach’s lane. They play nice cept with Blake lol.

Jay Miah https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKn9WJRjB98

I am surprised no one turned around for him. I didn’t see his audition. Watching it now , I would think he would get at least a chair. This just comes to show you that when it comes to picking artist in the blinds, there really isn’t a formula or rhyme or reason.

Brennan Lassiter

Don’t remember much about her besides being a country singer. She just sounds like another country singer to be honestly. She doesn’t make it to the lives. She should have picked Blake, better chances.

Rose Short (Team Gwen ***) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wMM0ORsUAqE

Omg, one of the best audition hands down. Rose’s family is such a riot, you can literally hear them from where the live audience was sitting, it was so freaking funny. Kelly’s boo boo about John had the coaches and audiences in stitches. I was pleasantly surprised that she picked Gwen as I thought she was gonna go with Kelly. She has a big personality but vocal wise I’m not connected.

Will Breman (Team John ***)

Will is another standout artist on John’s team. He is very much a performer as you will see in the battles and KO. Gwen was gonna sing Hollaback Girl before she said she was just joking. If Gwen did a ND and one of her well known songs (not Hollaback) Will might have chosen her, it definitely would have made it tougher to pick.

Alex Guthrie

He was ok. Not much to say. Both Kelly’s and Gwen’s pitches were good in the lives. Gwen pretended to fight with Kelly but that didn’t last long, it was in a joking manner.

Kat Hammock (Team Blake ***) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCCDpVbvOCU

It was a tight pitch fight between Blake and Gwen for Kat. This audition happened the second to last day of blinds taping. To those that cringe a bit when Gwen does her wanting a little girl pitch, just get use to it. It’s like wanting to stop liking puppies lol. To those that say Blake is weak and gives into Gwen, this battle shows you it’s not that case…

She’s the artist that I have been saying reminds me a bit of Dia from season 1. Not a showy artist, one that is artistic and put her own unique spin on songs. She’s my favorite from team Blake.

This is the taping when Gwen slaps Blake’s butt. It was a nice surprise to see lol. What’s funny is that Blake doesn’t even react or finch or anything. Like does he feel it or is he just so used to Gwen groping and loving up on him that it’s a regular thing……

This was also the taping where Blake and Gwen side hugged during a break and he kissed her forehead.

The kiss that we saw when Blake kissed Gwen when he was in his chair happened at this taping too. The kiss happened before  auditions started. Blake was on his phone and Gwen came over and just leaned over the front of his chair. She didn’t say anything. It took him a few seconds to notice she was there and then he leaned in for a kiss. That moment was so cute because she didn’t like demand his attention or anything, just waiting for him to notice her. The kiss was brief and then auditions started so Gwen went back to her chair.

They also said I love you a few times in this taping and have walked to break or from break together a few times. It’s just lovely to see them like magnets with each other.

Marina Chello (Team Blake ?) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCdgvJYROOA

Don’t remember if she goes to lives or not. I keep confusing her with another artist. She has a good voice but she sounds even better live, it didn’t translate over on tv.

Kyndal Inskeep (Team Gwen ***)  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lwCPMgaiDc

Her backstory connected with me the most and I thought she was very authentic and brave for being so vulnerable on tv. I didn’t see her audition but I so wished I did cause I imagined there were more goodies that happened that got edited out. I saw her battles and knockouts and was impressed. She sounded country in her battles and then she sounded a bit pop and Sia-ish when she did a Sia song during the KO. She and Jake are my favs on Team Gwen vocal wise as I lean more toward unique and different singers.

[indulgnces]

hello! it’s jess again with my new final girl bb brooke under the cut! (AHS 1984 SPOILERS!) I’m playing her pre-prison for the most part, but legit after this next episode there are gonna be some new attributes given to her, so I’ll circle back and change as needed after Wednesday!

❛  ( LILY COLLINS )  ◈  dude, shut up ! BROOKE THOMPSON from AHS: 1984 is on screen. their fans swear they’re just COMPASSIONATE & CLEVER, but we’ve all seen their RESERVED & SKEPTICAL side ! according to TRUMAN WIKIA, they’re TWENTY-FOUR years old, CLOSETED BISEXUAL, & identify as CISFEMALE ( SHE/HER ). they’re currently a VETERINARY ASSISTANT & are CONFUSED about life in truman. luckily they have THEIR ENGAGEMENT RING AND HER KNIFE with them & can visit THE ROLLER RINK whenever they want. penned by JESS.

so her bio is always subject to change depending on what happens, as her show is currently airing, so a final version of her won’t come around for another couple weeks. but below is a sketch of my sweet & badass final girl brooke thompson (spoiler warning for ahs 1984!!)

CANON LIFE 

(gun tw, murder tw)

“I, uh I had this dumb idea, this, this dream to-” “To be somebody?” “No. To be nobody.....I pretended for so long to be somebody that I wasn't. Now I don't even know who I am.”

was a smart child who liked to learn. top of her all her classes. goodie-goodie who I wouldn’t call a nerd or a teacher’s pet, just like a prepared student who kept to herself and aced all her shit

things were smooth but then there was this entitled jerky bad Nice Guy who kept coming in 2nd behind her, and instead of pushing himself to idk be smarter than brooke and be on top on his own, he bitched and straight up stopped talking to brooke

that wasn’t enough for the baby tho, and so he convinced everyone else in their class to stop talking to brooke too. fucking iced out by her entire class

brooke did not like that. v much did not like that. she is a bit of a people pleaser, and can be easily peer pressured, and the idea of people thinking of her in a negative light, the idea that she was making other people mad or upset for some reason, didn’t set well with her, so she started to fail on purpose

pretended to be dumber than she was until she fell into the #2 spot, then the icing out stopped and the mean Nice Guy asked brooke out and ....she said yes bc well, why not?

flash forward and he’s asking her to marry him and she says yes for the same reasons before and though they’ve been together for years, they’ve never had sex/were saving themselves 

did i forget to mention Nice Guy was a jealous guy? i feel like that was implied, but yeah he was a v jealous boy, and during their wedding he accused brooke of sleeping with his best man sam duke (montana’s brother wassup), then proceeded to shoot sam, brooke’s dad when he tried to protect brooke, and then aimed that gun at brooke before shooting himself instead

#traumatized 

brooke got the hell out of dodge after that. didn’t want to be that girl anymore. didn’t want to be the Smart Girl or the Girl Who Slept With Her Fiance’s Best Man or the Girl With The Crazy Fiance or the Girl With The Murder Wedding like she just didn’t want to be anybody, wanted to blend into a crowd of strangers and disappear

where better to do that than los angeles? 

moved to la, got into santa monica college to take classes towards becoming a veterinarian assistant, was just gonna chill

then the night stalker decided to break into her apartment and try to kill her, but she’s got Balls and is clever when in danger, so she beat him with a frying pan and made a lot of noise and her neighbors heard and saved her life so #bless

decided again to get the hell out of dodge and go with a group of new friends to be a camp counselor at camp redwood for the summer because fun!!!! and safety, mostly

except not fun OR safe bc their first night there and she’s nearly killed by THREE killers (richard, mr.jingles, and fucking MONTANA) on separate occasions, had a traumatized night all around, and when daylight broke, she managed to kill that bitch montana in an act of self defense

bad timing tho bc she gutted her when a bus full of children were driving by, so like, not a good look, and then that bitch camp owner & true serial killer psycho margaret decided to pin all the murders on brooke so (upside down smile face emoji yknow the one)

brooke was found guilty and, after five years in jail, was sentenced to death by lethal injection

sentence was carried, brooke died an Absolute Boss, giving no fucks to richard (this man terrified her before and now she doesnt give two shits my gIRL!!), spitting at margaret, just being a badass, and then afterwards donna gave her a dose of adrenaline and brought my girl back to life

donna brought her back to health, and during that time brooke bonded and began to trust her. she also found out about margaret returning to camp redwood for a festival, and has made it her mission to go back and gut that lying bitch for the hell she put her through before she can go on with her life

also on her one day of fun out of the hotel after her recovery, she had a brief run in with a psycho serial killer bc (donna &) brooke’s apparently just serial killer BAIT, but guess what? just like every time before my girl used her fucking brain and got both her and donna out of their situation, and because she’s a badass now, she didn’t run away this time, instead she stayed and finished the job - opting to tie the psycho up and cut off his hitchhiking thumbs like a fucking BOSS i love her

now walking the way to redwood with her girl donna

and that’s everything of brooke thus far in canon! I’ll add more when the series ends!

FUN FACTS & HEADCANONS

did not sleep with sam, thank you very much

lost her virginity to ray, the ghost, during that traumatizing night at redwood and it was only Okay

was kissed by montana during that traumatizing night before it came to light that montana fucking hated her guts, and um that split second kiss did more for her than sex with ray? (no tea no shade ray you got a shudder or two out of her okay (but not the o oof)) brooke didn’t know she could feel that way towards women until montana kissed her and that shit SCARED her so she freaked and ran

so you know how brooke told donna not to kill that psycho killer who tried to kill them when they were on the road? it wasn’t because she wanted to torture him. it’s because she didn’t want donna to have to go through the trauma of killing somebody. bc even though she knows she was justified in killing montana, and she had to do it to save her life, she still went through the trauma of knowing she ended someone’s life, and she compassionate and doesn’t want her friend to deal with it either. she’s not about that murder game now, she’s not gonna kill if she don’t have to. but she’s not the same as she was before, not gonna let ppl get off scotch free - aka why she took the man’s thumbs & tied him up: punishment for what he did, and she left him there vulnerable to either die, or more likely: be found by a passing car, and face the punishment for what he did

girl really is serial killer bait though. idk what it is. when she was an innocent girl just trying to get through life? encountered her joey her fiance (killed 3 ppl including himself), ramirez (killed 13? people and counting), montana (psycho killed at least 2 people, presumably more, and counting), and mr. jingles (killed 5+ people) - most of who just wanted to kill her to killer her. then she became a bad bitch. and again, serials killers took an interest in her, with both ramirez & psycho bruce hitchhiker both amused by her new thick skin smhhh, girl can’t catch a break one way or another with these killers.

TRUMAN

“I don’t know what’s real. I- I don’t even trust myself.”

ah, truman, brooke has been utterly confused about truman

because brooke, she buys the story the actors have told her 

okay, so she moved to truman after the Red Wedding nightmare, okay, sure

but like, she spent five years in jail for crimes she didn’t commit, and that shit has left an IMPRESSION on this girl and so she’s also like, something doesn’t add up

but she’s not suspicious by nature, and she’ll believe what she’s been told, because why rock the boat and say otherwise? 

so she got her degree in truman in biology, with intentions to pursue veterinary school for her doctorate and obtain her license, and she hasn’t spoken her doubts aloud 

but like, LATELY (*cough* with the season’s premiere *cough*), babe’s been more confused than usual, with intense bouts of memories coming back to her

and she’s expressed these distressing memories to the actors, who act the same way the redwood crew did to her when she told them she was being chased by mr.jingles that first episode: they mocked and laughed her off, got her to believe what they needed her to

but just like redwood, with each passing week the memories won’t stop, and she’s been Distressed and then her PRISON EPISODE hit her and the sensation of dying has fully convinced her that these are not just dreams, these events are real, and she’s not sure how to process it

since the memories have returned, her new experiences and thick skin from prison has returned, making her wary of strangers once again, but it’s battling with her current perception of the world, and it’s all especially especially in this place that’s filled with people trying to tell her that’s she crazy for her memories

PERSONALITY

okay so, before prison? girl was naive and dependent and trusting and believed n the best of people. she got scared easy, had trouble being alone at night, and relied on the people around her for protection in life. she went with the flow and had little agency in her life, as she allowed her controlling fiance to p much dictate her life tbh 

before prison but after her red wedding, brooke became more reserved then usual, because she had an intense desire to be alone, and to be away from the stigmas and the reputation she had in her old life following the nightmare event. it was her first taste of independence, though she was still dependent in nature, as the second a group of friends came into her life, she found herself following their lead, tagging along.

after prison? total change. five years - NO, 1825 DAYS - in prison absolutely changed her. she looked back at her life and that night and realized she was too trusting. she got warnings and scares multiple times that day and night at redwood, from the gas station employee to the hitchhiker to the mystery phone call to the news report to LITERALLY BEING CHASED and she still didn’t follow her gut - instead she tried to do what everyone else around her told her to do, which was relax because she was supposedly being paranoid. if she had pushed, if she had the nerve to walk away even, none of this would have happened. and she hates herself for that. 

she spent five years as an innocent victim with scary guilty criminals, and she grew a thick skin as a result. lost her innocence and her wide-eyed charm. 

not she’s skeptical, and even more reserved than before, and wary to strangers. she’s still compassionate and helpful, still feels for people and had an urge to help, but she doesn’t follow those urges as helplessly as she did before. she trusts her gut more.

carries around a knife too because, as said earlier, she’s some kinda magnet for killers and you can never be too safe!

I called her clever because my girl, when in life and death situations,is SO FUCKING SMART like she does not go out without a fight and it’s never full on “imma hit you with my fists” its “let me see what I have around me at my disposal” like she is smart and she is quick to grasp a new situation when her life is in peril, she out here wielding frying pans and canoe paddles and using two serials killers pushing her around in a net as momentum to grab a tree and climb out of her net like she’s so smart

when her life is not in peril, though, she be doing dumb shit like sleeping with her window open KNOWING serial killers take advantage of that shit and answering creepy pay phones in the middle of the night so, shes a naive bitch too

positive: compassionate, determined, honest, clever, resourceful, helpful, kind

negative: reserved, skeptical, resentful, paranoid, tense, touchy, withdrawn

SUBJECT TO CHANGE! as the season progresses.

CANON CONNECTIONS

i basically love brooke with all of the redwood gang tbh

montana? love it. angsty dark shit im game. xavier? love it. soft as fuuuck. richard? game, tell him to fuck off sis he don’t scare you no more. donna? bet, I need this badass duo in my life!!! chet? adorable babies, let them share more marshmallows together. ray? also cute, he may be a coward but he was soft with her so!, trevor? #letsmakebrookeblush2k19 bc that big dick interaction was funny and I wanted more moments of blushing virgin brooke becoming speechless around trevor (and montana, or the ultimate combo of trevor & montana) during a summer at redwood bUT THAT NEVER HAPPENED 

anyways

TRUMAN CONNECTIONS

once again, I’ll probs post smth separate for her connections!

and yeah! that’s everything on my new girl! if you’ve made it this far, you’re still the best my dudes!! if you’d like to do any kind of plotting with my girl, just go ahead and hit that like button, and I’ll slide in y’alls dms! ♥

[galactic-empress]

The OA means so much to me...I could stay up talking (and crying) on and on about how much I love e v e r y t h i n g. Believe me..I am so thankful that it became my addiction. I still remember the first time I watched Part 1 in 2016. My girlfriend was watching everything with Brendan Meyer and thankfully she told me about it. (@kotarainbear) I remember being so confused. Who ever would have guessed how much this show would affect both of our lives. We learned the movements. We did them in public, we were having fun. I have rewatched the first season roughly 5 times and know most lines by heart. No doubt, it’s the most moving and beautiful show I have ever and will ever watch. I love how creative and nice the fandom is. Reading fan theories is so fun. I’m glad the drama is minimum compared to other fandoms. The show creators, Brit Marling and Zal Batmanglij, are geniuses. I love the way they write/direct. Brit Marling, you can just feel, know, how much she really enjoys storytelling and what she is doing. I love that. I love her vibes. From interviews you can see she has a bright and fun personality. She’s beautiful and a true angel. The whole cast is perfection. Such good and pure actors. (I legit had to stop and scream when Jason Isaacs appeared in S1E2. I’ll never get over my fave show having my fave actor. Never.) The soundtrack is amazing. Protip If you ever need to get me to cry just play the violin intro. Visuals/Settings are also perfection. It’s so well put together and thought out. It has so much going on: life and death, angels, spirituality, interdimensional travel, infinite realities, a bigger truth, mystery, vulnerability, trust, miracles, magic, ...and so so much more. I’m just so proud of this show. I hope it keeps getting attention and I can’t wait for more!!   Go watch it on Netflix, it is so worth it!! It’s so dang emotional. Once you watch it a few times, I dare you, to try not to cry.

[letteredlettered]

hiiiii so I just got to the ep in season 5 where David encourages Patrick to go on a date with Ken and I have manyyyy feelings about it and can imagine you would have SUCH great inner monologue/backstory for David on that journey. also would be v interested in your thoughts on what the sex would be like between them after that episode...(and apologies if this is something you've already discussed or are not interested in discussing!)

Awwwww is this your first time watching it? That episode was INTENSE! And thanks! I am super interested in David’s thoughts as well.

I haven’t discussed that and am very interested in discussing!

I’ve always wanted David to tell Patrick that he regretted it, or was worried, or or that he only wants Patrick to be with him, but I’m not sure that David would. Like, if David says he regrets it, David might feel that that suggests that either of them did something wrong, and neither of them did. Like, he kinda feels like he did do something wrong, but if he says that it was wrong, it suggests he actually was doing something like suggesting an open relationship, instead of his actual stated intentions. It’s kind of the same thing with saying he was worried; that would suggest he doubted Patrick. Even though that doubt comes from David’s belief in himself, not in Patrick--and I think David even knows that--I think David might not want Patrick to think David had any doubts. It’s kind of a similar thing if David said he only wants Patrick to be with him; it would introduce the idea that there was doubt for either of them when really it was meant to be such an innocent thing.

The way David pretends it’s not a big deal when Patrick comes back and says it doesn’t make a difference to him either way supports the idea that David wouldn’t explain the feelings he was experiencing when he though Patrick was off with Ken. However, the way David doesn’t want to stop hugging Patrick also suggests that David wouldn’t be very good at hiding his feelings about it. So I feel like David might be really needy while also not saying any.thing about it and pretending things are all right, and Patrick, not being an idiot, would gradually come to understand that David freaked out about it in Patrick’s absence.

I like to think that Patrick knew the intentions with which David made the suggestion and also has no doubts, and that he also thought it was really huge of David to make the suggestion, and that Patrick only did it to make David happy, and that despite all of this Patrick still really, really didn’t like it--not just the idea of being with something different, but the idea of David being all right with him being with someone different. Like, instead of just letting David know that the date with Ken didn’t work out, Patrick goes straight to David; I mean, apparently, Patrick is feeling needy too.

I really like the idea of Patrick wanting David to top him, because Patrick feels really exposed and vulnerable when he is penetrated and had no idea that he could ever feel so, idk, needy and fulfilled before the first time David did it to him, but also David just gets, like, really really overly solicitous and selfless when they do that and never seems to care about anything but Patrick’s pleasure, and Patrick recognizes that that was what David was trying to do by getting him to date Ken. But I guess it could be nice if the sex starts that way, in a way they’ve done it before, but David gets more possessive in the midst of it than he’s been before, and it takes him by surprise and freaks himself out a little, but Patrick likes it. Patrick likes it a whole lot.

[iheardnewepsiodesofninjago]

Voltron Playlist Project by @iheardnewepsiodesofninjago and @the-stressmushroom

Hi everyone! We both know there are a lot of mixed reviews about season 7. Some people love it, some people hate it. There were a lot of upsides to the season and a lot of downsides. However, we have been working on a very special project for a very long time. We have been compiling playlists of songs that describe the different voltron ships throughout their existence according to our own fanon, and common fanons throughout the fandom. And we would like your help with the next part of this project! We will be creating fan art for each song depicting the couple in the scenario the song represents. (ex. River by Bishop Briggs is sort of when lance and keith come together in an I hate you so much but your really fucking hot way, in our fanon.) Please note that this fanart can be in whatever format you like! A comic, a single drawing, an animatic, ANYTHING! We just want y’all to be creative! We will be posting the playlists on both of our accounts with our ideas of where the different songs land in our fanon written below each link. Please, if you decide you would like to make fan art, tag it with #voltron playlist, and we will continue updating the playlists with different fan art submissions as they come in. We hope that this project may help bring the fandom together during this rather difficult time. Seeing everyone fighting is extremely discouraging and we would love to create something that everyone can happily work on.

The playlist we are starting with is Klance.

(Please note that both of us are multi shippers and will be creating playlists for every ship the fandom has to offer. We want everyone to be represented so everyone has a place to enjoy their respective ships. If this bothers you, please, keep these opinions to yourself.)

Klance Playlist https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLIxrUMcvFzabPYmex12KpEYw7-i9r1BWX

I hate u, i love u - gnash ft. Olivia O’Brien - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G3UeoZechSg&list=PLIxrUMcvFzabPYmex12KpEYw7-i9r1BWX

Keith and Lance in the beginning, rescuing Shiro and becoming Paladins. Mutual crushes that they detest greatly. They are trying to work through their issues and are trying to figure out their feelings. This song shows there relationship through Lance getting hurt by the explosion.

(More exquisite art!!! This style is so good I am in love, by @cryptidcanadian)

Toxic - Britney Spears - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVdr_JWmnsA&list=PLIxrUMcvFzabPYmex12KpEYw7-i9r1BWX&index=2

Lance and Keith’s feelings only grow after their bonding moment and they both start to really fall for each other. During training, during meals, during fights. Mutual pining, but not accepted yet. This includes the Crystal Venom episode and Keith saving Lance from dying.

That Man - Caro Emerald - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFA6dEwWOb4&list=PLIxrUMcvFzabPYmex12KpEYw7-i9r1BWX&index=3

Similar situation as Toxic, same scenarios but now they have both kind of accepted their crushes. But they still are too oblivious to realize the other feels the same way. This starts to happen after the season 1 finally when they realize how worried they were for each other when they were separated.

River - Bishop Briggs - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rlISZWZMLsg&list=PLIxrUMcvFzabPYmex12KpEYw7-i9r1BWX&index=4

After they visit the Blades for the first time and Keith realizes he is part galra, Lance realizes that he should probably talk to Keith to check in on him. When he gets to his room Keith gets angry expecting Lance to hate him just like Allura. And lance gets angry because Keith is so self conscious he can’t believe that someone could actually care about him. Keith is stunned and rushes Lance. All the pent up feelings get released (y’all, this is your chance to get smutty if you so please)

The Only Exception - Paramore - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChXcD6Z4uvQ&index=5&list=PLIxrUMcvFzabPYmex12KpEYw7-i9r1BWX

After they get together, they talk about their feelings and possible relationship. Keith admits that he has never been able to be vulnerable and Lance decides it's his job to make Keith feel loved. This goes through their Zarkon fight and Shiro's disappearance.

Sugar We’re Goin’ Down - Fall Out Boy - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQ4ZngUSrZQ&index=6&list=PLIxrUMcvFzabPYmex12KpEYw7-i9r1BWX

This is Lance and Keith really starting their relationship and Lance being a really supportive boyfriend and Keith’s right hand. This includes Lance comforting Keith and telling him that he should pilot the black Lion.

(Omg we already have our first piece!!! Thank you to @mylenaart1998 for this beautiful artwork ❤💙)

Tear In My Heart - Twenty One Pilots - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-olL71GgdXQ&index=7&list=PLIxrUMcvFzabPYmex12KpEYw7-i9r1BWX

Shiro comes back and Keith starts training more with the Blades. Lance gets discouraged and thinks that Keith might be done with him. Keith assures him that this is not the case, but Lance is still doubtful.

I Was An Island - Allison Weiss - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vNNnDuMLNA&list=PLIxrUMcvFzabPYmex12KpEYw7-i9r1BWX&index=8

Lance says I love you to Keith in a last ditch attempt to get Keith to stay. Keith is stunned. He doesn’t say it back and leaves any way. Lance puts on a brave face but he has a breakdown.

Sad Song - We The Kings ft. Elena Coats - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1KXLFj0rHI&list=PLIxrUMcvFzabPYmex12KpEYw7-i9r1BWX&index=9

It’s the Voltron and rebel’s battle against the galra and Voltron is about to be destroyed. Keith decides he needs to sacrifice himself to save voltron and lance. He realizes he loves Lance, and that Lance deserves better. He is willing to die to save him.

Certain Things - James Arthur - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxODjYmN9rY&index=10&list=PLIxrUMcvFzabPYmex12KpEYw7-i9r1BWX

After Zarkon’s death, the power struggle erupts in the galra. When Keith goes to the Kral Zera and almost gets killed, Shiro tells Lance and Lance gets pissed. He gets even more pissed when he finds out that Axca saved him. Lance was supposed to be the one to save him always, and he wasn’t there for him.

for him. - Troye Sivan - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4kUdvWMZjrk&index=11&list=PLIxrUMcvFzabPYmex12KpEYw7-i9r1BWX

Keith and Lance both decided they were not good for each other, thinking they are helping each other. During the radio silence on both of their parts, they reminisce about their relationship. This is an especially hard time for Keith as the thought of Lance coming back to him is one of the few things that gets him through his 2 years with Krolia.

Little Lion Man - Mumford and Sons - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92_D-ZAlSTM&list=PLIxrUMcvFzabPYmex12KpEYw7-i9r1BWX&index=12

Keith finally returns to them before their battle with Lotor. He tried to apologize to Lance but Lance breaks down yelling at him for the radio silence. They have a huge yelling match because Keith was hurting too. They get back together passionately (another opportunity for smut y’all.)

Mystery of Love - Sufjan Stevens - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0CP9zpbmAQ&index=13&list=PLIxrUMcvFzabPYmex12KpEYw7-i9r1BWX

After they have defeated Lotor and saved Shiro, Keith finally says I love you back to Lance. He says he wishes he had done it before their fight because if they had died his one regret would be not telling Lance the truth.

True Love - P!nk - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppRARqw2KLg&list=PLIxrUMcvFzabPYmex12KpEYw7-i9r1BWX&index=14

This is Lance and Keith really trusting each other and seeing each other as equals throughout their journey back to earth.

(This is such an adorable design! I love the blade as the arrow in the heart. Thank you @egofan4evr!)

I Will Follow You Into The Dark - Death Cab For Cutie - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zYTEb7fVdzw&list=PLIxrUMcvFzabPYmex12KpEYw7-i9r1BWX&index=15

They return to earth in ruin and realize that saving earth may be the final battle that kills them. Keith and Lance accept this and understand that they will never stop loving each other. Even through death.

Can’t Help Falling In Love - Elvis Presley - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGJTaP6anOU&list=PLIxrUMcvFzabPYmex12KpEYw7-i9r1BWX&index=16

Earth is safe and the two can finally love each other easily and have their families back. Yay!

(MY BEAUTIFUL BABIES I AM IN LOVE ❤💙❤💙 a very big thank you to @paladinspride!)

[mzhong2014]

Weekly reading digest (7/28-8/3)

A break to remember: Stanford faculty reminisce about their college summers:

Reading about the faculty members whom I admire so much, this was a humanizing post that reminded me that everyone has struggled through the routine and impossible just like you have. My favorite quote from Ambassador Eikenberry about his summer learning how to jump out of an aircraft while at the US Army Airborne School. Ambassador Eikenberry is the embodiment of poise, humbleness, and courage, so I particularly enjoyed reading his blurb:

“As the aircraft rumbled toward the drop zone, one of the cadre, a very seasoned sergeant, gets in front of me, grabs my two shoulder straps, looks me in the face and because of the deafening engine noise, shouted at me: ‘Airborne,’– which is how all students are addressed – ‘are you nervous?’

And although I was nervous, I gave the answer I thought he wanted to hear.

‘No, Sergeant,’ I said. ‘I’m not nervous.’

The sergeant looked at me and very calmly said: ‘Airborne, I want you to be nervous. This is your first jump.’

I’ll never forget that expression on his face and his sincerity.

‘Every time you jump out of an airplane in the future, I want you to be nervous,’ the sergeant said to me. ‘Because when you are nervous, you are thinking hard about the challenge you are facing. In your mind, you are going through all the training you had – what is the next thing to do and what to do should something go wrong.’

And then he said: ‘What I don’t want you to do is be afraid. Be nervous, but don’t be afraid. If you let your fears control you, then you are going to make a mistake.’”

To be great, you must first be vulnerable. 

The Brethren: Inside the Supreme Court

I started listening to this on audiobook when I spontaneously decided to drive to San Diego at 10;30 pm on a Saturday night and back Sunday afternoon (totaling 5 hours of driving).

The Brethren is written by Bob Woodward, yes, one of the reporters of the Wategate Scandal. Earlier this year, I grabbed coffee with a litigator in an effort to shed light on the mysterious question of what does it mean to be a lawyer. He recommended this book to help elucidate this question, and only 30 minutes into the audiobook, I understood why. It is perhaps the most intimate account of the prestigious Supreme Court, uncovering the day-to-day scenes hidden behind the white marble columns and impressive wooden bench. In contrast to my other readings that cover the intellectual origins of the judiciary branch, The Brethren shows how the justice system works in a very raw and real-life manner. Spanning 1969-1975 during Burger’s early years as Chief Justice, it shows exactly how politics mixes with the supposedly nonpartisan judiciary system, the nitty-gritty of how varying legal philosophies translate to vastly diverse approaches towards handling legal issues (especially during a very contentious period with the civil rights movement), as well as how the different personalities impacted the very tactical routines of the Supreme Court.

No specific quotes because, unfortunately, I do not have the auditory version of photographic memory, but initial reactions:  

I was surprised by how the Justice’s different opinions extended beyond the question of whether something was constitutional, but also the question of how do policymakers tactically carry out a Supreme Court decision. For example, the first few chapters focused on the decision around how to issue a court order regarding Brown v Board of Education as Southern states dug their heels in to prolong the delay of integration of schools. Because of the vague phrasing used in the ruling opinion, “with all deliberate speed,” lawyers were using this language to justify these 15-year delays. The court order had to achieve and balance a number of objectives: avoid appearing submissive to the delay and admonish any attempts to prevent integration while balancing the practical concerns for allowing time to let schools create and implement a sound plan for integration to minimize the chaos / violence during this time. But should these practical considerations be up to the judiciary branch to decide? 

As a junior consultant, it was interesting to see how exactly the Justices manage their clerks and how each Justice’s personality dictated their working norms -- shows how collegial the Court is but also how political it can be 

It was also interesting to see the different philosophies that the Justices had towards being a judge. To grossly generalize, the Justices had very different opinions on the degree to which they cared about being legally rigorous in their opinions versus arriving at some legal conclusion with considerable political and social implications

The Brothers Karamazov: Ivan’s Rebellion

One of the most famous passages in The Brother’s Karamazov is Ivan’s rebellion, where he rejects God of his justice system. The dialogue occurs between Ivan, the intellectual of his three brothers, and Alyosha, the most spiritually pure of the three. Ivan focuses his argument on the suffering of children to illustrate the injustice of God. 

“I won't speak of grown-up people is that, besides being disgusting and unworthy of love, they have a compensation—they've eaten the apple and know good and evil, and they have become 'like gods.' They go on eating it still. But the children haven't eaten anything, and are so far innocent.”

Ivan proceeds to provide anecdotes that he has collected of children suffering – which are based on true stories that Dostoevsky collected from the newspaper. Ivan recounts tales of how the Turks cut open “the unborn child from the mother’s womb,” skewering babies with their bayonets in glee. He tells another story of a five-year old girl beaten to pulp by her parents, her mouth smeared with excrement, left to sleep in the cold frost of an outhouse. With relentless momentum, Ivan recounts his last story about a serf-boy who throws a stone at a kennel of hounds, and hurts the paw of a general’s dog. The child is summoned to the general and stripped naked.

“He shivers, numb with terror, not daring to cry… 'Make him run,' commands the general. 'Run! run!' shout the dog-boys. The boy runs…'At him!' yells the general, and he sets the whole pack of hounds on the child. The hounds catch him, and tear him to pieces before his mother's eyes!”

The Bible reasons that all, including children, must suffer for man’s sin. Even the most innocent, children, “must suffer for their fathers' sins, they must be punished for their fathers, who have eaten the apple.” These damned children, Ivan continues, some may twistedly suggest that “the child would have grown up and have sinned, but you see he didn't grow up, he was torn to pieces by the dogs, at eight years old.”  

Ivan concludes that he cannot accept God if his justice requires children to suffer for an “eternal harmony.”

“I must have justice, or I will destroy myself. And not justice in some remote infinite time and space, but here on earth, and that I could see myself. I have believed in it. I want to see it, and if I am dead by then, let me rise again, for if it all happens without me, it will be too unfair. Surely I haven't suffered simply that I, my crimes and my sufferings, may manure the soil of the future harmony for somebody else. I want to see with my own eyes the hind lie down with the lion and the victim rise up and embrace his murderer. I want to be there when everyone suddenly understands what it has all been for. All the religions of the world are built on this longing, and I am a believer. But then there are the children, and what am I to do about them? That's a question I can't answer.

[…]

While there is still time, I hasten to protect myself, and so I renounce the higher harmony altogether. It's not worth the tears of that one tortured child who beat itself on the breast with its little fist and prayed in its stinking outhouse, with its unexpiated tears to 'dear, kind God'! It's not worth it, because those tears are unatoned for. They must be atoned for, or there can be no harmony. But how? How are you going to atone for them? Is it possible? By their being avenged? But what do I care for avenging them? What do I care for a hell for oppressors? What good can hell do, since those children have already been tortured? And what becomes of harmony, if there is hell? I want to forgive. I want to embrace. I don't want more suffering. And if the sufferings of children go to swell the sum of sufferings which was necessary to pay for truth, then I protest that the truth is not worth such a price.”

And that is the crux of the passage – the prospect of an eternal harmony is not worth the suffering of the innocent to repent for the Sin of Man.

In face of our inability to find the meaning of seemingly meaningless suffering in the empirical and physical world, we are faced with two options: 1) consult the transcendental for truths that lie outside of our physical world or 2) turn inwards to provide meaning ourselves. Both are fairly unsatisfactory frameworks, in my opinion. An argument against the first is well illustrated above, and there is little that I can add of intellectual value to Dostoevsky’s work. 

As for the second point, everyone tells you during intense moments of suffering that you will always learn something in hindsight -- in an attempt to imbue seemingly meaningless suffering with meaning. After all, the human mind cannot fathom the possibility of meaningless suffering -- that all of this pain is for nothing; that there is no such thing as karma or justness in the world. This seems equally absurd because why does learning have to require so much suffering? Are humans just too dumb to learn from happy experiences? 

For the meantime, I’m not sure what exactly sure why there is so much suffering in life and whether it is justified by some external or internal truths. For now, all that I know is that a lot of terrible things in life happen, and all that humans can do is simply react to them. 

[homosociallyyours]

hello good evening

i have been watching the real housewives of beverly hills for the past few weeks and i’ve just gotten into season 6. i’ve been sending chats to @jlf23tumble most nights to spill my feels about it, but my feelings have officially become too large to be held in a single chat. and so here, behind a cut, is me talking about things. in particular, yolanda hadid, lyme disease, and other things unique to RHOBH

ok so i mentioned maybe yesterday in a brief text post that i was shocked to find myself loving yolanda hadid when i truly went in expecting to find her as awful as i find 90% of the housewives, maybe more so. IMAGINE MY SURPRISE when she turned out to be shockingly down-to-earth and chill. in her first season i could imagine her shopping at the store i work at, maybe coming in to buy a particular Dutch cheese that reminded her of home or talking about the newest vegan options we carry. 

then in her second season she started getting sick, and so much of what she was going through hit home for me: the brain fog, the fatigue, the hope of a good day where your energy has returned. she spent her third season getting her life back in order somewhat, still having rough days but pushing through and doing more. 

i’m in her fourth (and last) season, where the lyme has gotten really bad. i started sobbing while watching when she talked about not remembering what it’s like to be well. sometimes i think back on the things i used to love doing like they’re some kind of fading dream. did i really enjoy hiking in the hills or taking my dog to the beach? was it someone else who would sleep 3 hours, work 9 or 10, and then still manage to go out two-stepping? 

when she laid on her couch with tears welling up just saying that it’s a struggle to keep going and that she wants her body to work like it used to, i felt that sense of recognition and relief. it’s not that i have a lot of people telling me i’m faking. i’m really lucky to have a lot of folks who believe me. but there is a voice in my head saying i’ve made all this up and it’s not real and to stop being lazy, and when i heard her talking it helped stuff a fucking sock in the voice’s mouth for a minute. 

what’s wild is this woman started out on the show as a self-proclaimed “dutch martha stewart” who was running up and down the steps of her house with baskets of lemons, working out and dieting non-stop, throwing amazing parties that she organized every detail of and traveling around a bunch. watching the series in such massive gulps (it takes me 3-5 days to finish a season) means that her decline happened in a time lapse, almost. 

and i’m seeing the reactions of all the people who didn’t experience it like that and who have maybe never known a chronically ill person in their lives. when she shows up to a birthday party with no makeup on, everyone at the table questions it after she leaves abruptly. “why would any woman choose not to wear makeup?” “if she felt so bad, why did she bother coming?” “i know i said she looked good but she didn’t.” 

i can’t speak for her, but i’ve stopped wearing makeup because it takes thought and energy that i don’t have, especially if i’m going to leave the house. i also hate looking at myself now most of the time, because all i see is half a fucking person-- a shadow with no life and no energy. i sometimes force myself to go to things when i know they’ll wreck me because not leaving the house is depressing af. i want to be a person again, and goddamn it i will throw every spoon i have at 30 minutes of quality time feeling like myself, even if i know it means i’ll be lying in bed the whole next day. 

and i actually hate hearing that i look good or cute because it feels like such a lie, but i do accept those compliments at face value because i know at the very least that i’m a good actor? like i tricked you into thinking i was a human and not some sad fatigue lump who gets winded from washing my fucking dishes. 

AND THEN-- (yeah we’re back to the RHOBH talk) --we have a plot about everyone secretly doubting her illness. talking about what it could or couldn’t be. as if they’ve been in the fucking room and looked at every test result and laid in bed hoping the next appointment would bring relief. i have generally liked lisa rinna because she’s pretty camp, but she’s the one leading the charge and now i wanna throw a shoe (or a prosthetic leg) at her. 

throughout all of this, i’ve started to really love yolanda. she’s honest and vulnerable and so generous with and protective of her friends. and i know i could get blacklisted for this, but her kids are all better people than every child i’ve watched on a real housewives franchise put together. like. they’re weird and loving and kind and respectful and not spoiled, and i am pretty sure it comes down to having a parent who’s modeling that behavior. 

i was joking with bander earlier about making a reality franchise called “the real spoonies of _city_” where you just follow several chronically ill people through their daily lives. and she laughed bc it would look like completely separate individuals just texting each other and not going out. And It Would! but i think maybe i’d still want to watch it? i wouldn’t mind seeing how other people have figured out their lives (i’m terrible at it and feel a lot like my body is an alien i can’t communicate with) and i’d enjoy seeing people sorting their pills and cooking their quick meals and doing restorative yoga and shit like that. 

instead i watch the housewives because they’re silly and dramatic and they go to fancy lunches or dinners and they take nice trips and go shopping and it’s weird. who lives like that? they do, i guess! 

i don’t wanna only talk about being sick and yolanda, though, so if you’re still reading and care, here’s my hot takes so far:  -lisa v has an atypical relationship with sex which she covers with odd sex jokes. i kinda think she might be on the ace spectrum, maybe?  -kyle and kim break my heart BUT ALSO they had a fight that reminded me of the last time i went home and my sister fucking lost her mind at me for rolling my eyes when she tried to dis the ACA and socialized medicine.  -brandi has some deep psychological trauma and her bisexual ass should consider dating a woman. i think that plus therapy might be good?  -lisa r and eileen have houses that are massive but so full of things that they feel realllly un-fancy compared with every other house i’ve seen on rhony or rhobh! whenever there’s a scene in one of their houses i feel like moving things so i can see them better 

also i know bethenny is gonna make a tiny appearance on this season and i’m so juiced you don’t even understand. bethenny is my girl, ok? i love her. and it’s gonna be weird af seeing her with the beverly hills ppl because they’re SO DIFFERENT. 

one day i’ll do a study of all the RH franchises and separate them out by vibe. maybe make one of those posts that list the aesthetics? like--

rhony: martinis, black manolos, espresso in the afternoon, cashmere sweaters that cost more than a month’s rent, cinnamon candies, red roses

rhobh: bright louboutins, margaritas and frose, high tea, beachy long dresses, pure white roses, pink champagne toasts at brunch, candied grapefruit peels

right? yeah.