#Untill I eventually had an attack
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Thinking about how I only learned that I had, in fact, had anxiety and panic attacks before when I went to the doctor because I passed out from one. I have now learned that I have been having anxiety attacks for my whole life and just didn’t know because so one wanted to explain shit to me.
#This is not a vent post. Just genuinely think it’s interesting and that we need to yknow#Explain how attacks happen and what they feel like so people know when they’re having them#I “knew” what a panic attack was but I didn’t think I was having them because I wouldn’t hyperventilate or run around with nervous energy#it’s actually the opposite with me. I just kinda. Fully shut down like stop dead in my tracks and look forward and forget to breathe#Also I thought I wasn’t having panic attacks because it wasn’t like. Out of the blue. Something would make me upset and it would just build#Untill I eventually had an attack#Little did I know THATS WHAT AN ANXIETY ATTACK IS#WOWWWWWWW#I thought what I was experiencing was normal I thought that’s just what being nervous was lol#I thought getting so upset over little things to the point of crying and shaking and being completely disfunctional was#What being nervous was#Anyway I was looking up what to do as a person who faints when having attacks sometimes and#The language used was like “if you have anxiety attacks it technically can make you pass out but don’t worry because it barely happens”#Well 🧍♀️#The rarest thing about me is the fact I take a bad nap every time my brain decides to go into emergency shutdown :[
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xuejiao and his secretary/attack dog/fiancee/2nd cousin
#at least until his younger brother is old enough to inherit the role of Attack Dog (with less finesse but more enthusiasm)#also: SQH's secretary#and chief ice magician#love that the book just had a throwaway line about ice demon magic... let em COOK#moshang#i am tagging it. because XJ is my moshang bebe. my bitchy little prince#who will eventually learn to at least brandish a sword convincingly even if he will never master swinging it#he will at least look very intimidating#when he goes to cang qiong he takes SQHs normal ass kroger brand sword with him (falling off the whole way)#eventually he will get his own golden finger sword... which he will mostly use for decoration#svs3
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the empty frame in bobbys castle tower is a metaphor for jaiden and roiers family. they shared a house a bed items son, roier showed her his basement, melissa, his betrayal scars, and his home that was meant to be a community house. and jaiden couldnt fully believe she wasnt taking too much when it was her house! it was her base too! she moved out of the home she was building to move in with roier but she still felt like an intruder to her own home! she saw it as a temporary home for until she could move out and build her own base. but she still cared for and accepted every part of roier. and roier loved jaiden back too! when they died in that airship, he cleared out the dungeon and gave jaiden armor and spirit orbs and when jaiden accepted his anger and blame it just fizzled out. jaiden understands. so then roier left a empty frame at the bottom of the tower for jaiden to fill whenever she came back and they laughed and joked while tucking bobby in and jaiden said i bet you a hundred million dollars we'll see bobby tomorrow and roier said are you sure and it was a joke and then tomorrow came and jaiden was an hour too late. and then roier joked and laughed and when jaiden came and he had to break the news he couldn't anymore. because with jaiden roier can let down the jokes and with roier jaiden can be sure he has her back and support and when jaiden fell off the edge roier jumped down to join her before she could even say anything and they had pvp lessons together and a heart to heart as the sun rised and in the end the community house lays abandoned and bobby fields is filled with copies of the best day they had together and the attic is never looked at again and the top floor of bobbys tower isnt either.
#o'-|-<#im missing some things and my words are toomany but JAIDEENNNNNROIERERRRR AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#I dont want to write it like Oh jaiden has to do all the emotional work for ro because shes a girl that NOT their dynamic at all.#i dont know how to write my feelings about jaiden and roier. but this is close enough#bc they were both so lonely youknow? and for a long time j felt like she had only ro and a few acquaintances#it wasnt until after bobby died that she opened up to the rest of the server and even then she faced some issues#(all cubito btw all rol. incase that wasnt clear :P)#and like with ro he only showed his true basement to those he trusted. which was j bobby and eventually cb.#and he showed melissa to his friends but the ones who reacted positively were j who hyped her up and cb who also hyped her up even though s#he doesnt actually know yet lol#they looked for ingridents for absurd amount of time... j was so confident in ro she was so relieved when he appeared with sl attacked#and the rose fields. the best day on the server for jaiden was adventuring with bobby and roier and taking pictures with gifts.#and they both loved her so much. remember how bobby caught every hummingbird around bc j said she liked them#the pizzas in the cabin#Im so chill. :D#kb.jaiden#kb.roier
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i’m home !!
procedure went real well, everything was really smooth and almost as soon as they said, “you can count backwards if you want,” i don’t think i even said ten before i was suddenly in recovery and sipping some ginger ale.
honestly the worst part was the iv because they had to do it on the side of my wrist because apparently my veins are crooked ?? i just hate ivs anyway so that’s no surprise but other than that no complaints.
everyone was real nice and made sure i was well taken care of (my nurse even had me pee one more time before so she wouldn’t have to do a catheter which with my history…..thank you)
but yeah, i’ll have a follow up in about a month just to make sure everything’s good and the iud is doing its thing !!
i do have some cramping and bleeding but that’s normal, although a little funny because i literally just stopped my period yesterday but…oh well !! hopefully in a few months i won’t have hardly any so this we can handle and i hace some medicine (and my ~medicine) that’ll help so i’m all set.
mom had to go run some errands so my little recovery buddy is keeping me company. also, a moment of recognition for my new favorite shirt (thank you as always, Boss Dog Art; i’ve already got my eye on another one that says, “i think therefore i am against transphobia around the world” or something like that and it’s got a cool skeleton on it; this is my third shirt from them and they’re really comfy and good quality so not sponsored but check them out, they seem cool):
#It’s been a rough week leading up to this i’m not gonna lie#one of my neighbors was shooting on Sunday when i was in the pool#which i’m used to at this point#but for some reason i got triggered into a panic attack#and could not catch my breath#could not calm down for several minutes just scream crying#had to dunk my head underwater a few times and splash myself in the face#eventually i just buried my face in my towel and screamed cried until i physically had to stop#because i thought i was about to have a heart attack#so that wasn’t so chill#spent the rest of the day shaking#guess you just never know when it’s gonna hit!!#another plane has hit the ptsd towers#sorry#not for nothing though but the shooting stopped so there’s that#they probably thought someone had a fuckin’ ari aster movie turned up over here#nope just a mentally unstable bitch doing her best which clearly isn’t great but what can ya do!!#it was kinda funny though because i’ve been hesitant to go back out there since#but finally yesterday i had even worked longer the day before so i could really enjoy it#it had been sunny all day#no signs of rain#i’m ready to get some exercise in because i knew it might be a while#before i can again so i was really looking forward to a nice 30 minute run#damned if it didn’t start raining as soon as i got out there#and that was fine#i still ran a little got my water weights in#but the kicker was i looked at the weather on my phone and it looked like it was going to keep raining#so i said okay let me just go take a shower and settle in for the night#it didn’t rain and the sun came back out so oh well!#but point is…today went well and i’m doing okay and things could always be worse so no worries <3
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Hey @sayijo ...
Your surprise is here. :)
#she is so fun to draw#I've actually been planning this since before june#but i didn't get around to sketching it until august and I've been procrastinating until now haha#figuring out a good outfit was really really hard and eventually i mostly just had to make it from scratch so i hope it looks alright#think of this as a very late attack#helen borg#oc: helen#oc: helen borg#ninjago#ninjago oc#oc#original character#others ocs#not my oc#art#artists on tumblr#i am the person from those asks in case you're still unsure hehehe#clp art#i promise I'm not usually lazy with hands I was just so tired when I got to that part of the lineart
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I hate panic attacks
#rant#which is to say i hate the whirlwind of specifically bad times in my life that brought them on and kept them#i hate that they trigger when i feel strong Anything#ive been trying to Dissassociate less and feel more. because feeling stuff does HELP me notice whats helping or hurting me#but like. i WISH it was about feeling joy and pleasure and excitement. maybe ill feel those eventually#but right now Any strong emotion is still ridiculously close to triggering panic attacks#im still terrified to go watch a play. because i LOVE plays and the last times ive gone for the past decade#ive had awful panic attacks because my brain clicked Love them with Intense Feeling into Panic dont breathe chest hurts Hate Urself#turns out my brain didnt just attach the trigger to fear of loud noises or fear of asking for#trigger from self hating thiught loops#it alsp clicked the trigger into: particularly notiveable romantic feelings of any kind (lile someome? have a panic attack! thatll keep u#physically incapable of getting near them! like plays! lets have you unable to breathe sobbimg hysterical so ur terrified to be trapped in#the audiience for hours! fucking hate hate hate it)#neurofeedback and emdr certainly lowered the panic attack rate per day or week to a Lesser per month situation#but im still lucky if i get thru a pa without illogivally trying to Fix it the irrational way i did when young which is hit myself#in the illogical hope if im injured enough ill be able to think again (which doesnt work its dangerous and makes the panic attack last#longer a pa just does Not let u think rationally untol its over u CANNOT try and fix it while in it and dping that makes it much worse)#if i get thru a pa without a concussion ive done much better than usual :/ i dont want any more#im so tired man. i want to go see a play!#i dont want to Try and then end up hyperventilating and crying with my brain imsisting i Need To be Dead for 2 hours#im the parking lot because it triggers when i park. or worse it triggers when i drive and i have to pull over and im trapped x place for#hours. either way i miss the play i wanted to fucking see!#i hate how panic attacks feel like a trap. not even a trap i can fight. its my own limitation. goddamn ive been fatigued ive been dying#in a hospital a few times. panic attacks feel worse to me. at least dying i can do something (eventually) to stop#altho i guess dying for hours in hospital until i got helped was similar. but ill hopefully only go thru that 1-2 more times in life#and i had like 5 panic attacks during that hospital visit since a heart rate so high like 200 cant calm down anyway
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It's an odd comfort to experience a Bad Fibromyalgia Time after a long long period of not having this intensity of it.
Like it sucks slsjskdjd of course but
Very validating to experience some of the moderately severe symptoms and realize "wow this fucking sucks, this isn't normal at all, most people do not deal with this and I did a great job at surviving this for years. I deserved way more credit than I myself. Good job, past-me. You were goddamn tenacious."
The validation is nice
#sorenhoots#cold sensitive is. attacking me. i got used to 'never gets cold anymore' and right now its like mid 60s and i cant feel anything below my#knees cos theyre numb from cold. and i am scrolling tumblr on my phone with a very strategically placed blanket keeping my body heat near#my hands. otherwise they go numb and i can't do anything with them. WHICH EXPLAINS A LOT OF WHY I WAS ALWAYS NURSING SOME SORE#TENDON OR MUSCLE. i never had proper bloodflow for maintenance and so everyday wear-and-tear accumulated into chronic disability until i#eventually would cripple myself trying to wash my hair (sorry for using a slur; i choose to use it because i have emotional attachment to#the world from a lifetime of this nonsense). and then id need help putting on my shirt for six weeks until i nursed it back to usability at#which point id have fucked up the other arm overusing it. goddamn.#im finding a lot of small secrets to coping with these things. a onesie can be treatment for cold sensitivity. laying on a small pillow can#treat GI issues if it helps align your tubes. why not lol doctors never had answers so i am just vibing. i advise going to a doctor tho. and#if they have good advice pls tell me lol
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Some swap au Olivia and Jackie concepts for the main 3 universes 👍
#keese draws#oni posting#first two are from the main rat universe#long story short a while after founding gravitas olivia was like ok so I think me being your boss in our company that we spend most of our#days at has left our relationship in a place that I’m uncomfortable with so we’re getting a divorce now sorry#and jackie proceeded to throw a fit abt that for several years until she got fired over it#in another petty act she tried to break back in to steal some of the work she had done there but got caught#and unfortunately for her during the past several years olivia has been slowly having mere morals broken down piece by piece by the allure#of progress and by the time she did her breaking and entering scheme olivia was far past the point of being ok with kidnapping#the second two are the rabbit universe girlies and they’re less openly hostile with eachother but they still are bad for eachother#they’ve known eachother since childhood and jackie has basically been using olivia as a therapist since they were teens#this lead to them developing an increasingly unhealthy codependent relationship where olivia ends up acting incredibly irresponsibly as#director of gravitas due to her being so stressed and paranoid about jackie all the time#and the third two are the raccoon au which is basically just jackie being too scared of rejection to put her work under her name so she#asks olivia to take credit for it which she does and she ends up getting all the credit and praise for a lot of the early work at gravitas#this combined with jackie’s constant worshipping of her slowly began to lead to it kinda getting into her head#and jackie was also letting it get to her head and eventually her ambition got the better of her and she ended up attacking olivia#now these are all just the basic concepts I currently have these aus are all still in the concept stages#for example I’m still figuring out how I wanna involve the other scientists and if I switch their roles around too#but yeah I’ve been thinking abt these guys lately so they get drawn 👍#oh also fun fact these aus are inspired by the scrapped content back when olivia was jodi#which is why I characterize these two a bit differently then I might if I was leaning more towards my normal stuff#theyre characterized more closely to old jackie and jodie including origin story wise
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Lmaoooo okay so MAJOR story spoilers ahead-
But I just finished the crisis at hyrule castle quest line (after thorough googling that I wasn't going into the final boss, of course) and went back to the landing where everyone gathered to discuss what to do next.
It was all very solemn and thoughtful, everyone theorising and letting it sink in how incredibly dangerous ganon was, and then purah and riju are like 'omg there was a sixth sage maybe we can find whatever they've left behind maybe it can help us' and then Link IMMEDIATELY speaks up like 'oh yeah about that I've already found her. Yeah she's fine she's going to help us. I've also got the master sword too by the way'.
Everyone was SHOOK. I got praise and amazement from all sides. Purah was like 'ALREADY???!! And you didn't think to TELL ME??' it was great.
Never felt more like canon link in my life. I've got a screenshot of everyone's :O?! face. Going to be riding that high for hours XD.
But it's very impressive that I managed to procrastinate so hard I managed to skip about three major plot lines just by squirrelling my way where I'm not supposed to be purely by accident lmao.
#totk spoilers#<- MAJOR ONES#loz#legend of zelda#tears of the kingdom#totk#loz totk#loz tears of the kingdom#Purah: I can't believe what we're up against. And how hard it must have been! But you're so calm and collected about it!#Me: aw thanks keep talking ^^#Purah: you're really a wonder link. I'm amazed by what you can do! It's up to us now! Let us help you!! ✌️#Ngl finding the thunder head heart door was pure. PURE chance. It was night and I couldn't see the arrow head on links bow#Pouring rain and thunder. Somehow managed to blindly claw my way to the top of the ruin and spent ages trying to find out what it was#At the very last second before I left I slipped on the side of the wall and fell all the way down. Straight onto the shrine.#Eventually gathered the hearts and came right back to do the whole thing. No idea it was supposed to be a triggered quest until now LMAO#But fr everyone was so shaken after ganons vision and link was just standing there like 🙄 he's already had a dozen of them XD#'pig man should have gone into theatre. Tryna play me with zelda when I know full well where she is. your precious phantoms were RUBBISH'#Seriously don't worry about the fight if you have the vows and decent armour I posed so silly and took several attacks to the spleen#And it did absolutely NOTHING. Several photos of link with phantoms furious heads in view and I lost MAYBE 3 hearts total. No anti gloom!!#I will say the image of broken doll zelda dissolving into gloom smoke will probably traumatise link but what's one more lol
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Oh I forgot how much I loved the great league pokemon go battles, go my freaks annoy the fuck out of these strangers
#gamer txt.#people keep forfeiting on beyblade#and that makes sense yeah i can use mirror shot every 3 atracks and thise attacks are quick#beyblade is the resident 'fuck your shields' guy and i am very willing to stall and do chip damage until you use your shields#but that doesnt mean you need to forfeit i have no defense against fire types make me use all my shields lets go neck and neck#it is Very fun when im fighting someone and weve both used all our shields so now its all down to speed strats and luck#i actually enjoy losing these fights alot too! if i lost that means tge other person was trickier than me and that's great!#why do so many people forfeit on me... youre really just looking for an easy fight? thats not fun#someone had this crazy bulky venasaur and yeah meowdy could kill it easy but it couldnt hurt beyblade. so i shield stalled#they used one and then took the rest of the mirror shots i eventually got them to red but beyblade was at half#a fire or fighting type would kill i wouldnt be able to switch fast enough#and they forfeited! why?? its just been beyblade v. venasaur and they were both holding it together- it took 5 mirror shots#that couldve been a really fun fight man...
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I had a dream last night about ao oni but instead of the normal kids, it was a bunch of young mutants who slipped away from the x-mansion, and it was rlly weird
#they were all like#ocs I guess#unfortunately: the dream was more like hetaoni than the og game 😭#it was kinda gas#they were slowly losing their powers the longer they were in the mansion#and the defacto leader of the little group of like 8 was the first to go 😎 he was a jackass anyway#it focused more on this telepath/illusions gal named Evelyn#loosely code named psyche/sike because she liked to pull pranks#I don’t remember the full dream but theee was a time where I had to make a choice of either having her use her powers to make the other guys#appear invisible to the oni but that would lead to her immediate death#or to only shield herself which allowed her to get a sneak attack on it but risking the rest of the team#there was a combat system and everything!#for some reason they couldn’t reach professor x at all (for reasons)#I think it was like. an evo inspired universe?? idk man it was weird#there were shapeshifting twins. would could turn into beasts and monsters and animals#and the other could only turn into this gigantic muscular form but she hated doing it#the other twin eventually managed to turn into the one of the monsters that was chasing the group and it helped a lot! until they got to the#oni room#but yeah in my dream there were a bunch of different endings and so many characters#I woke up really missing x men evo lmaooo
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about to either have a breakdown at physio today or later at work. stay tuned ✌
#elia txts#the pain etc the panic attacks also. i had three hours so sleep so far#it's just bad lads idk what 2 tell you#getting some more tests done next week to rule out the rly bad shit (PLEASE) until then i gotta stick it out#call me perseverance the way i am being so brave etc etc.#will stop being MIA eventually. either bc im better or im worse :') gamba me
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I just realized something really sad
I have two best friends outside of tumblr (my only irls that aren't roommates basically) and one of them I try to talk to constantly but she doesn't always respond, in fact she kind of barely does. I want to talk to her all the time but I always feel like I'm boring her or like she doesn't understand why I can't do some of the things I can't do.
The other one is always trying to talk to me, usually trying to call me. But I rarely ever pick up or respond or text first. My relationship with her is really complicated because some of my alters are very hurt from some things she did a while ago, others just don't trust her, and then the ones that front when we talk love her.
I have so many mixed feelings and the switches triggered by that mean I always don't answer or forget because I have dissociative amnesia about her trying to contact me in the first place... I don't know, I don't want to make excuses for myself but I genuinely don't know if this is a valid reason for treating her the way I do or if I'm an awful friend. Of course, it could also be both. I just don't know what to do. I don't want her to feel neglected by me like I sometimes do with my other friend.
#for some context about what the things that hurt these alters were ill elaborate here in the tags#so me and friend 2 have been friends for a very long time. since i was about 13-14 and were both adults now#i was raised Christian and it deeply traumatized me. i didnt deconvert until i was about 17 and even then was back and forth#i know theres a lot of variability in Christianity and maybe not everyone raised Christian will be traumatized#but i really really was. and if youve seen some of my posts about my religious trauma youll know why#when i was 18 i had just moved out of my moms house and was basically crashing on a friends couch/floor#i was extremely stressed and vulnerable at the time#and during that time my friend tried to reconvert me#i dont remember exactly what she said but it devolved into arguing and i had a panic attack over it at least once#we didnt talk for a while#shes also stated pretty directly before that she believes being transgender (which i am) is wrong#i let it slide because she apologized and stopped pushing the matter#she almost never brings it up anymore#and parts of me forgive her but other parts don't#i feel like i should also talk about the ways that shes a good friend because this is gonna make it seem really one sided otherwise#so for one shes been with me through the hardest years of my life#talking me down from taking my life late into the nights... being there when no one else was... reminding me that im worth something#shes been patient and kind and supportive all this time#she was also the person who eventually got me to realize that my parents and even my siblings were abusive and neglectful#which was a very big deal for me#i wouldnt have lived this long without her suppory#even now she checks in on me#making sure im not suicidal and reminding me that shes here for me#always reaching out if i havent responded in a while just to make sure im okay#she also struggles with a lot of the same stuff as me having had ptsd depression and an eating disorder before#so she helps me feel less alone#but now i dont ever feel close to her#and i dont know if i ever will again#i feel cruel for not telling her the truth if i haven't forgiven her yet but I don't think itd do any good for her to know
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my grandpa was a good man. and it really wasnt his fault - recreationally lying to kids is a proud family tradition - but he told me, once, that cutting a worm in half resulted in two worms.
i think he said it so i'd be more morally okay with fishing? i actually dont remember the context.
point was, he told me this, and he understimated (by a very large margin) how much i liked worms. i was a worm boy. very wormy. and after hearing that, i went home, and i dug through the garden, flipped over every rock, did everything i could to gather as many worms as i could, and then i uh.
i cut them all in half. every worm i could find. all of them. with scissors.
i then took this pile of split worms, and i put them in a box with a bit of lettuce and some water and stuff and went to bed expecting to double my worms overnight. i have math autism, so i had a vague understanding that if i did this just a few times in a row, i would eventually have a completely unreasonable amount of worms.
i was very excited to become this plane's worm emperor.
(i think i was...six?)
anyway, i did not become the inheritor of the worm crown. i instead woke up to a box of dead worms and cried. a lot. i got diagnosed with panic attacks as a teenager, but i think i had them as a kid, i just had no idea what they were. i was kind of processing that a.) i had killed what i had assumed was every single worm in my yard, and thus would have no more worms, and b). i was going to like, worm hell.
(six year babylon spent a lot of time worrying about god.)
so i kind of freaked out, and i climbed a tree, because god can only smite you if you're touching the ground (?) and i sat up there mostly inconsolable until my mom came out and asked, hey, what's up? what happened?
so i explained to her that i had killed all of the worms, forever, and was also Damned, and she took me to the compost pile, and we dug for all of five seconds and found like twenty more worms.
the compost pile was full of worms.
she then told me that a). there were more worms, and we could put them back under rocks and stuff and recolonize our yard and b). that one day, i would die, and go to heaven, and be able to talk to the worms face to face. that i'd be able to tell them all that i was very sorry, and that i killed them on accident, driven only by excessive Love, and that she was positive they would forgive me because worms have six hearts and no malice.
at that point, i think i was sixty percent tear-snot by weight, and i had no choice but to gather enough worms that i could hug them. which my mom helped with. and then after that she helped me put some worms back under each rock.
and for my epilogue: i spent a significant portion of my childhood in trees. and for many years after, even when my mom didnt know i was watching, i would catch her giving the space under the rocks a light spritz with the hose. not because she loved worms.
but because she loved me.
#anecdotes#memories#worms#moms#the hazards of recreationally lying to children#dont treat my grandpa too harsh#story time#stories#babylon#animal death#religion
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Nanami wants you to ride his face...
It was no secret that Nanami read books. Any kind of book. But sometimes he would read something not so wholesome…
Laying on the futon of his home office, eyes half lidded, glasses sitting low on his nose. As he reads, his mind wanders to you. His cock growing tighter in his pants, thinking about what it would be like to reciprocate these acts in the bedroom with you. One specific part caught his attention though. His hand absentmindedly wanders down to his hard erection, his mind racing with the thought of you sitting on his face.
A soft knock on his door puts him out of his trance. “What would you like for dinner, Ken?” you ask softly from outside the door. Nanami froze. His face reddening as he shuts the book. Not sure if he should be more embarrassed about what he was reading or what he was imagining. He adjusted himself before walking up to the door himself and opening it. He appreciated how you were always respectful of his personal space and knocked.
“Oh, hi honey…” your face brightens as he opens the door. The sight of your smile filled Nanami with love, but it wasn’t helping his erection. He doesn’t say anything besides wrapping his arms around, bringing you into a tight embrace. Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion as you returned the hug. “Someone feels a little clingy today?” you chuckle, running your hands over his back.
Nanami burrows his face into your hair. Inhaling your sweet scent he adored. His fingers run over the natural curves of your body, as he presses gentle kisses to your cheek. “I apologize, I feel… I need you right now.” Nanami murmurs into your ear, his declaration runs a shiver up your body. The way he was leaning onto you caused you to hold onto his shoulders, exposing your neck to him. He wastes no time in attacking it, placing his “needy” kisses on it.
Nanami had many ways he liked to kiss you. You have his sincere kisses when he wants you to know he's there for you and he loves you. Peck on the cheek and hand kisses in public. But your favorite kind he gives you are the ones that always lead to more. Where he becomes a little more flirty, nipping at your skin, digging his teeth in, hands roaming all over your body. Squishing anything he could get his hands on.
It’s not long before you both stumble into the room, not being able to get your hands and mouths of each other, until Nanami breaks the kiss, his expression now restless, with desire behind those honey-brown eyes. “I have a request…” he clears his throat. You smile at the way he breaks eye contact with you because he’s nervous. “What kind of request?’ you bat your eyelashes at him. Nanami swears he could die then and there if he wasn’t already embarrassed enough. He walks over to the bed, awkwardly laying flat on it.
“You want me to ride you?” you laugh at how he just lays down. Nanami shakes his head. “Sit. On my face. Please.” he stutters out, giving you a quick glance before he breaks eye contact again, leaving you speechless, this wasn’t something you had tried out before. The desire in his eyes told you he was desperate for this. He looked like he was on the verge of getting on his knees and begging you. “We haven’t tried that yet…” you smirk at him, leaning closer to him. “Is that a no?” he looks at you again, eyes urging you to give in.
Nanami couldn’t help himself once you were hovering over his face. He takes in your scent, closing his eyes, his nose tickling your entrance. Your breath hitching as you look for something to hold on too, eventually resting your hands on the headboard in front of you. Nanami’s breath catches in his throat, he could not believe it was actually happening. His hands find purchase on your thighs, groping them like his life depended on it.
“Keep your eyes on me Kento…” You coo as you look down at him. He could moan at just the sound of your voice, he couldn’t take it anymore. His eyes lock onto yours, his gaze intense as he begins to worship you with his tongue. Savoring the taste of you, hands roaming all over your hips and ass, devouring your cunt desperately.
The moment you think he is finally satisfied, he’s not. Only pulling you down more on his face, sharp eyes still on you just like you told him. He didn’t want to miss anything. Music to his ears the way you say his name like a spell, your victim being him and only him. The way you cried out when he would tease your clit just right. And the way you grind against his face was all he could ever ask for. He could die a happy man right then and there.
“Fuck…” you whine, your hand coming down to grip his hair, only driving him more insane. His grunts grow louder as the pleasure and pain mix together delectably. His tongue lapping you up with a new found energy, with confidence you didn’t know he could possess. Eager to chase your orgasm so you cream all over his face. His own arousal building up every second you're on his face.
"Oh god Kento… i'm so close,” you continue your ministrations on his face. His fingers tightening around your ass. He gazes up at you with the most sexy bedroom eyes filled with adoration and desperation, his just pleading for one chance to watch you fall apart on and all over his face. To make a mess on him. “Go ahead, sweetheart…” he mumbles against your sopping, sensitive cunt.
A cry of ecstasy echoes the room as your orgasm finally takes over your body, holding onto the headboard again to stabilize yourself. The man under you is still lapping up everything you are willing to give him. You continue to grind yourself on his face, riding out your orgasm. Nanami’s eyes rolling back in complete and utter bliss, your slick coating his chin and cheeks. Waves of pleasure run through your body, your only thought being Nanami. The way he looked under you, making you hot all over again. Intimacy so intense you could burst.
Realization hits you after your orgasm, finally deciding to remove yourself from his face so he wouldn’t suffocate. Nanami gasps for air as you lift off him, a small giggle escaping your lips. His chest heaving with the exertion that just happened. His eyes still glazed over with lust, taking in the sight of you.
“So where did you get this idea from?” you tease him, poking his shoulder.
A dorky smile spreads across his perfect face as he climbs on top of you, meeting you face to face.
“I read about it…”
#jujutsu kaisen#jjk x reader#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jjk smut#nanami smut#nanami kento#nanami x reader#nanami kento x reader#nanami kento x you#nanami x reader smut#nanami kento x reader smut#kento nanami#kento nanami smut
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The Shen Jiu & Shen Yuan dynamic I need to see more of is Shen Jiu coming to see Shen Yuan as a father figure, perhaps even a mother figure. And not in the way you think.
We are always talking about Shen Yuan's wife beam, but we don't talk about his mommy beam. I think Shen Jiu could resist the wife beam if subjected to it, but I don't believe he has any defense against the mommy beam. Now, I'm not talking about Shen Yuan transmigrating earlier than canon, meeting a child Shen Jiu and adopting him.
I'm talking about Shen Yuan transmigrating after Shen Jiu has already taken over Qing Jin peak. I'm talking about 21 year old Shen Yuan transmigrating into the body of a nameless rogue cultivator, meeting fully grown man already in his thirties Peak Lord Shen Qingqiu, and hitting him with his mommy/daddy-issuesinator and causing him a life threatening Qi deviation.
Shen Qingqiu can't help but trust him, and eventually looks up to him, sees him as a wise elder he seeks out for advice. He fucking hates it but he can't help himself. This homeless man he met in the forest is the closest thing he's ever had to a father. Also. He sort of wants Shen Yuan to breastfeed him in a, and he means this, non sexual way and he can't cope with that. He would just feel so safe!!
Shen Yuan, 21 years old, rogue cultivator, first time transmigrator and the father who stepped up, thinks he befriended the scum villain, and maybe? He can be a good influence on him? Be a good friend and guide him towards a fully limbed future. He's practically raising him but nobody tell him that.
Shen Jiu lost his childhood to slavery and his teenage years to violent madmen. and now he's behaving in ways he doesn't understand. He once lost sight of Shen Yuan in the town's market, ran towards a man who looked exactly like Shen Yuan from behind, and almost had a panic attack when the man turned out to be a stranger. It's all good because Shen Yuan found him before he started swinging Xiu Ya ("Have you seen my friend? He's this tall, clearly traumatized, but we haven't had the talk")
People think they're lovers at some point because Shen Jiu is quite possessive of Shen Yuan's attention, but everybody realizes that there's something way more innocent, and also weirder, and worse, going on between them when Shen Yuan drags Shen Qingqiu by the hand to apologize to the sect leader for being so rude when poor A-Yue is trying his best, and stands there with arms crossed, eyebrows raised, until Shen Qingqiu mumbles an apology, glances at Shen Yuan, and runs away.
"I'm sorry about that, Sect Leader Yue, he's had a bad day. I'm sure he didn't mean it."
Yue Qingyuan, someone who did actually sort of raise Shen Qingqiu, who's stood in Shen Yuan's shoes before, extracting reluctant apologies from a sullen Shen Jiu, to authority figures so he wouldn't get in trouble, is overcome by an intense, never before experienced wave of jealousy, so sudden it makes him spit vinegar flavored blood.
Then, a panicked Shen Yuan accidentally hits him with the mommy beam by accidentally adopting him (trying to befriend this guy who clearly needs a friend he can confide in!). And now he's placed himself in the young step-mom role who's desperately trying to bond with her new husband's teenage children but they're wired to not like her! (He used those exact words when explaining to Shang Qinghua where that new tension he has with the Sect Leader came from)
Liu Qingge is afraid of him. Maybe. He runs away when their eyes meet but he keeps leaving dead things at his feet so like, he's probably threatening him? He feels intimidated by him? Or something?
(Liu Qingge thinks Shen Qingqiu's older brother is so cool and really wants to hang out with him, but if Shen Yuan calls him Didi one more time Liu Qingge's barely held back "Yes, Gege?" Is going to jump out of his mouth and he WILL Qi deviate and EXPLODE)
When Binghe enters the equation shit gets a lot weirder.
First, he believes Shen Yuan to be Shen Qingqiu's neglected spouse (Shizun keeps leaving his poor wife alone when he goes out on night hunts and to visit brothels! Shen Yuan has needs!! He should be with someone who cherished him!! Someone who would treat him as he deserves to be treated, someone who'd wait hand and foot on him!!!) needless to say, Luo Binghe's teenage fantasies take on an even more illicit turn than in canon (it goes from "STERN TEACHER POUNDED BY STUDENT AT BAIZHAN TRAINING GROUNDS" to "NEGLECTED WIFE CHEATS WITH STUDENT ON HUSBAND'S BED!! IMPREGNATED WHILE HUSBAND IS AWAY")
Luo Binghe, of course, does his best to seduce him, but ends up being coddled and cuddled.
"it's like I'm his handmaiden, his shadow, the only witness to my lady's heartbreak at her husband's cold regard and indiscretions. Shizun won't spare him a moment if not to discuss cultivation or business! He won't allow Shen Yuan more than a head pat! and move away from any other touch! How ungrateful! They don't even share a bed! I brush his hair, I dress him every morning, I pour him tea and he lets me rest my weary head on his lap. The intimacy we share is not sexual, but Ning-Shijie, I wish it was! I saw the outline of his dick yesterday and I need it!"
"A-Luo please stop talking."
Then, he realizes he misunderstood. Shen Yuan is a cultivator so of course he looks so young! Shen Yuan is clearly Shen Qingqiu's father. He's constantly worried for his un-filial son and remains by his side!! That explains everything!!!(LONELY DILF RIDES YOUNG MAN ON QING JING'S LIBRARY!! HE WISHES YOUNG MAN WAS HIS SON!!!!)
He goes from trying to steal Shen Qingqiu's wife to steal his father. He could be Shen Yuan's friend, lover, and son. His student. His confidant. His silly rabbit.
Shen Qingqiu KNOWS this. But nobody will fucking believe him!! The jiejies at the pavilion giggle and tell him he must be exaggerating, and when he went to Yue Qingyuan so he could intervene and fix it, Yue Qi just looked at him dead eyed and said to "Let him." !!! Let him what?? Deflower our father Qi-Ge??? Shame on you!! That beast is trying to break this family apart!!
But wait!!! look!!! a crack opened in the fabric of space and reality, leading directly to hell. Wouldn't it be a shame if someone were to, accidentally, drop kick this homewrecker inside it?
Luo Binghe is gone when Shen Qingqiu realizes oh wait, that was a demon mark on his forehead wasn't it. Oh good, now he has an excuse. Baba will understand.
(Baba doesn't understand. Baba acts as if he's lost his soul and won't look him in the eye. He's also growing mushrooms bodies in the garden, and added a drop of Shen Qingqiu's blood in the seeds before planting? Which is odd. but at least if he's gardening then he's not staring at that swordmound for hours on end)
I don't even know where I'm going with this
#bingqiu#svsss#shen yuan#shen jiu#listen#i just believe shen yuan has the ability to give everybody he knows some sort of complex and we need to explore that#also#sj in a very ooc move adopts a random homeless man he met in a dark forest as his father. thinks man must be decades older than him#sy in a very in character move raises up to the occasion without a clue of what he's rising up to. once he finds out people think he's like#fifty or a hundred years old. he just.... lets them. whatever he's an old soul#he's always been mature for his age#mip
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