#UGH SO HARD TO CLEAN
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Constantly stuck between wanting to jerk off with the fleshlight and not wanting to deal with the clean up afterwards
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I just wanted an excuse to draw their height difference
#hii#artists block is hitting me so hard I promise to upload more of them soon I have so many ideas UGH#I tried cleaning up this one but it lost its cuteness so..it stays messy#obikin#my art#doodle
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My favorite male celebrity is obviously Leigh Whannell but Michael Emerson is now a veryyy close second, heās so cute, Iām sobbing
#I was so hard while gathering these photos#I could even edge to these I busted IMMEDIATELY!ššš#clean up on aisle MY PANTS!!šš¤£š¤£š
š
#michael emerson#heās such a skrunkly scrimblo#ugh
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As a stranger on the internet (so feel free to ignore or tell me I'm out of line) you might just be going through a grieving process. It sucks, a lot, and I don't really have any advice other than it will slowly get better, but it might help simply knowing.
Grief is different for everyone, and looks different for everyone too. But either way I hope you feel better soon <3
It's very possible, I just don't want that to be the answer because then I don't know what to do
#it feels more like im using grief as an excuse to not do anything and i find it really upsetting#i just dont kno what to do. i have a lightning talk to give tomorrow and i cant get anywhere bc when i try to get anything done i just start#crying and everything feels like a mess that i have no motivation to clean up#just everything. why did i decide to do this with my life? why couldnt i have chosen a functional career path?#i dont kno what im doing. i dont kno how im going yo get things together for my committee meeting Friday#or how ill get thru it without crying. i dont even kno what i want. i wanna talk to my dad i guess but ive never told anyone in my family#when im having a hard time and i dont kno how to do that without making him worry#ugh. tomorrow's gonna suck. so does today. i just want the semester to be over. but then i cant escape my project. so idk what i want#i want sleep for 1000 years or at least until all my problems are gone#unrelated
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I keep trying to write an update and then being embarrassed about it and feeling like Iām trauma dumping on people by updating and I just..I know itās on me to manage my crap, I know. I am trying (not very well but Iām trying) and itās justā¦I donāt know. I donāt even know.
#please know i have thought about hospital but hospital would#genuinely make it worse (like I cannot even tell you how much worse)#i think Iām legitimately justā¦having a trauma reaction on top#of a jewish trauma spike#and dentists and having to move (I may have cleaned till I shook today also my arm#does not look great#i feel like i donāt actually verbally have the words#(i have tried not engaging i have tried engaging they both feel awful)#(hashem i donāt know would you even embrace me would youā¦)#(itās not a meds thing (I take meds for mdd and I know what that looks like and this isnāt it)#(itās hard to explain the difference between CPTSD and like a panic attack or a depression)#(except that I feel like Iām so so tainted and not in my body or if Iām in my body Iām in my body somewhere else#abuse cw#i didnāt ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered#this will disappear probably#UGH#(i am seeing my therapist tomorrow i just..i know i need to reach out to)#(to like my current landlords and ask if I could just pay for a cleaning service to come in)#(i know i need to be like āunfortunately my CPTSD is Fucking Terrible Right Now and I need)#(just a bit of grace apologies)#(i do not want my parents to know i do not want that)#(aside from the fact that I am already a burden to them anyway)#a stupid flop of a person i am crying thinking about how i had plans for kids and a wife and travel andā¦Iām nothing#(everyone else is something Iām not I donāt deserve grace lbr)#it keeps running through my head how many people i thought loved me want me dead#and itās like I can fake it so well#(i donāt know I may be like sending words to people)#to run through the steps of not being alone#iām truly sorry i am always not taking accountability and playing the victim and clinging to people#to get reassurance i donāt deserve that its a good person it isnāt it isnāt a person
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Me:
Real life events:
#flashing tw#gif tw#flash tw#ugh. don't want to vent on dash about the same thing again but got bad news about ol' dog (again). we don't know how much time he still has#with us but probably not that long. He's comfy and happy he just has symptoms strongly hinting at him being in the end-of-life stage#But also he's been gleefully swinging by death's door for the last year so I mean.#He requires a lot of around the clock care and cleaning now which has been going for over a year and I'm generally deep into that mechanical#routine / apathetic mode about it. Not a fan of how I process trauma nowadays but it is what it is#expect writer's/artblock on my end again#It's hard to run this blog to a satisfactory degree when I'm constantly in ''coping in advance'' mode#ugh#negative tw#pet illness tw
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Salty bitch in me sooooo satisfied by the fact that I probably make more money than the person who made my life hell last year lmfaooooo
#speculation nation#chatting with a coworker about how they ended up seeing her by chance#and she Asked about me. she seemed so preoccupied with me Specifically it seems!#and she apparently mentioned how shed consider coming back here and im just loke#lmfaoooooo girl im in charge of the hiring now and there is no WAY id hire her back#even without the personal grievances. she just caused some Real problems. like hell id accept her back.#but also she was a total BITCH to me. like really fucking nasty. and yeah maybe im still holding a grudge about it!#im a chill person but when someone makes me cry that hard for that long TWICE#yeah fuckin right id hire you back. keep dreaming.#anyways ive just been hanging out at work and chatting Whoops hfkshfj#my shift ended an hour and a half ago. i really should be going home soon.#the good news is i should be able to secure the lease renewal for only $40 more than the original renewal offer#the bad news is they havent replied since sending that which means its not in writing yet#WHICH MEANS the showing is still on for tomorrow. ugh.#which means i need to clean. blegh.#i guess having the pressure to clean isnt the worst but i really dont wanna lmaooo#at least i do have tomorrow off. i can make it work...#but yea my anxiety is a lot more manageable now. tempered by the satisfaction of being better paid than an old enemy#IT'S KIND OF FUNNY to call her that but she kind of is. it was mostly 1 sided bc she took issue with Me#i was fine being friendly work acquaintances but noooo she had to go and make my life fucking hell for several months#the social atmosphere has changed man. im not letting a snake back in.#im a nice person but i am a Resentful person. if youve wronged me i am never fucking forgetting.#but yeah i make more money than her ā¤ļø yay ā¤ļø
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aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAA
#need adhd meds to function and stop my house from being months behind on basic chores and hygiene!#but adhd meds = somehow worse insomnia than the insomnia ive already had for 15+ years!!!!#sleeping meds to help = spending like 32 out of 48 hours sleeping over the weekend!!!!#nnnnggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh if i wasnt working evening shifts still because the economy is still fucked up from strikes id be fine#but nope!! ugh. u g h.#maybe i just blitz one day of makeup chores to get my house clean#and put myself on a rigid schedule whether i like it or not#ugh. parenting yourself like a toddler is hard.#i am exhausted and so so grumpy
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ooohhh yeeeee the isolation i s HITTING today it's hitting so so fucking good
#god i love living in the shining irl#idk why but for 4 years ive been like 'social media will help with this'#like i get online and ykno.. it's fun it's really nice ! i love the lil communities im a part of#i love expressing myself creatively and seeing other people's work and obsessing over lil shows and stories#i know its not that serious#i know i need to get the fuck out of this house and off the internet but it's so fucking hard#bcos no one masks anymore first of all#and 2nd i just .. idk !! i really like the vibes here ! i wish i could just chill and feel.. a 'part'#but ultimately i might need to go back to 1 hour of social media TOPS per day#cos im in painnnnn im in physical pain c: torment type shit#i think quitting my job might help a little??#but anyway fuck covid#fuck this violent white supremacist ass country#pivoting hard from the tone of this post but if anyone wants to kiki on discord or follow each other on insta just hml xD#i swear im .. more fun.. than this post probably portrays lol#lmaooo .. ugh.. oof... ok yea gonna go clean my house now
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I got a good grade in teeth! :)
#the dental cleaning appointment went really quickly and painlessly because I apparently didnāt have anything to clean but some stains#the doc and hygienists were all very surprised it had been 5 years since Iād gone to the dentist.#and here I thought i would need teeth pulled or had brushed all my enamel away or something#did give myself tooth and jaw pain from anxiety though. it was so hard to open my mouth at the dentists. gotta figure out how to loosen up#my jaw. Iāve started grinding my teeth ugh.
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constellations chapter 3 is SO GOOD idk what the fuck happened there, but go OFF!!!
#i know everyone's in chapter 4 land but 3 is SOO GOOD#bro the stone forest alone....HELP#ugh it was so hard writing wukong's rage form but HOLY SHIT!! reading it after is so hype#do u ever just sit in a pavilion as the rain gently falls...with your ex-husband and mentee....and it's quiet and peaceful but#there's a strong turbulence going on deep inside you :3#the way wukong always dusts MK off and wipes his tears away and makes sure he's clean faced and ready to go#speaks to how much wukong cares about vanity#i mean he also is expressing comfort and compassion but. he also cares about appearances a lot#but anyway -- do you also ever have a conversation with your ex-husband through eye contact alone?#i think they've done that four times in this fic...#mk the entire journey: every day i get a little more homophobic#HE'S SO TIRED!!!!#MK after talking to wukong and macaque at the inn: yeah haha! i seriously wanna go home now! š#MK on the phone: DADSY /PLEASE/ COME PICK ME UP!!!!#macaque seeing Wukong's eyes for the first time and actually stopping everything that he was doing#and just looking at wukong and being like āhaha...heeyyy what the fuck?? did they do to you??ā chef's kiss#wukong and macaque just talking while macaque captures that random man's shadow...please#as they reminisce about how things used to be...how easily they talk to each other when they're not guided by hate#that's the thing it's how easily they fall into step with one another#that's shadowpeach. they'll be off balance or one will be running and the other walking. they'll get distracted or whatever. but#they'll always fall back into step with one another#and that's why they've got to walk with each other. step by step...so they can stop being afraid š
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broke my literal whole life long habit of biting my nails in one go bc i went "hm i wanna try growing them out a bit longer thatll probably help me stop chewing on them" and then i havent done it since
#et cetera#i ā¤ļø scratching myself accidentally every 10 minutes#they keep breaking so ive started putting a hardener top coat thing on them so theyre super shiny also#but ugh so hard to keep clean...
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Omfg I hate him
"I wanna learn how to do this for myself so I don't have to bother you all the time like the other 3d printer"
"I need you to clean my fep plate because I don't know how!" Dude I've fucking done it for you every time and explained it every fucking time it's nit hard you're just being stupid.
Tiniest blemish on the fep plate: "ugh it's trash I don't care I'm not replacing it guess I'm just not printing"
Dude I said it's probably fine because it's not huge plush you can always just print around it it's not like it's right in the middle or anything.
You're not guilting me into changing it for you that doesn't work on me
#hes such a pain in the ass#dont try get into something if youre not actually gonna fucking learn how to do it yourself#im not your fucking engineer whatever you can just be like hey fix this for me#and when I was done I turned to leave and he was like āugh bye thenā#bitch I did the one thing you asked and I'm fucking leaving i was in the middle of doing shit when you demanded I clean it now#plus then when you saw the blemishes you said youre just done so clearly I dont need to do anything else#dude just learn this fucking shit its not fucking hard
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...
#i called my dad and he's gonna fly out tomorrow#i feel so bad dragging him out here just bc im having some sort of breakdown#he's already been thru so much in the last 2 months. i hate that ive added to his stress#i dont kno how im gonna get things done this week. or how im gonna get thru the rest of the semester. or what im gonna do this summer#my life just feels like an absolute disaster. it's all been leading up to this: a catastrophic meltdown#but im stuck not being able to meet with my counselor until may 6th. not that it was very helpful last time. nor was my emergency session on#Thursday. i just dont kno what to do. so that makes it hard for ppl to help. i just feel like im a child throwing a tantrum#i just want to burn it all down. im so tired. i dont kno y i picked a career that makes me feel so stupid#maybe i should just stop. defer a semester or stop altogether and do something else#i dont have the self discipline to do something so far above my head. i dont care enough. i dont care about anything#ugh. but my dad is coming tomorrow so i should clean my room and try to get my assignments done before he gets here#ugh. this just sucks. its so stupid and frustrating#unrelated
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No renewal just yet, but things sounding positive for a TCL season 4!
#The Cleaning Lady#Aaaahhhhhhh!!!#Omg I was so nervous reading this that it took me a while to even really register what it was saying#But basically we're in with a good chance for a s4#It's definitely a bittersweet thing without Adan#But I really don't want to say goodbye to the rest of this cast yet#Crossing my fingers so hard ugh
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Itās tricky. The only two main ānot theā people left were Sebastian and Ulysses, and ānot without planningā may rule out one of them, but which one is the question, itās a tough one. There are a lot of ātechnicallyā points one could make about it. I was thinking itās Sebastian, fully confident in his ability to get away with it, and to get someone else blamed for the crime.
see the thing is i just donāt know if sebastian would make a good murderer. idk if it would really make sense or be satisfying.
firstly, i donāt see how sebastian really benefits from edgar being dead. sure he gets unfired but the crypto tanks with edgar gone and obviously thereās the legal trouble. yeah ik sebastian secured the money with his phone calls but i still donāt feel like thatās a safe enough situation. and if edgar was alive and sebastian fired surely he could just find another business job? he has the reputation and money im sure. plus sebastian is a conman. i donāt think murder really is his game thatās too messy of a crime.
i also donāt see how he impacts the narrative in a satisfying way. aniq wouldnāt learn his lesson about bias in judgement. zoe wouldnāt have to confront someone close to her being a killer. the only people who might care are isabel and hannah perhaps?? and even then i donāt see them being shocked into character development. the only major thing i can really see is danner experiencing her āmaybe i was wrongā lesson all over again. not to mention sebastian is kind of a double bluff for suspicion. so for everyone that goes āsebastian is so suspicious heās not suspicious and therefore the killerā thereās someone who goes āsebastian is the killer because heās the shady guy in greenā. ultimately i just find him being the lazy option and the creators would have to pull out something incredible for me to find his guilt exciting.
#then again i know nothing about crypto#quoth aniq my snout is crypto clean#the afterparty#sebastian drapewood#i am prepared to eat my words in a week lol#ugh why does this mystery have to be so hard??? š
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