#UGH SO HARD TO CLEAN
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Constantly stuck between wanting to jerk off with the fleshlight and not wanting to deal with the clean up afterwards
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I just wanted an excuse to draw their height difference
#hii#artists block is hitting me so hard I promise to upload more of them soon I have so many ideas UGH#I tried cleaning up this one but it lost its cuteness so..it stays messy#obikin#my art#doodle
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My favorite male celebrity is obviously Leigh Whannell but Michael Emerson is now a veryyy close second, he’s so cute, I’m sobbing
#I was so hard while gathering these photos#I could even edge to these I busted IMMEDIATELY!😂😂😂#clean up on aisle MY PANTS!!😂🤣🤣😅😅#michael emerson#he’s such a skrunkly scrimblo#ugh
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#this is very silly but#when my brother drinks out of a cup he sticks his pinkie out right#and my mom is all over him. saying how it's so cute and “proper”#but when i did that as a kid she would get so mad#saying im copying fancy nancy or some shit#and that it's a bad habit and i look like im trying too hard to be fancy#keep in mind i was seven to nine#and like. this is a pattern#things that i would do and get my mom severly annoyed gets a “he's my baby boy 🥺”#leaving his schoolbag in the middle of the floor: awww he's a baby dont be hard on him (to my dad)#he is twelve. when i was twelve i would NOT have gotten that reaction#it was “i cant keep cleaning up after you”#and when i have both headphones in i get yelled at because i wont be able to hear whne they're calling me#he has SOUNDPROOF HEADPHONES that he wears CONSTANTLY when hes on his ipad. its impossible to get to him without literally tapping on him.#when i talk toher about it she's like “no??? i would never do that???? you're making up memories again i dont like being accused like this”#“i dont think its fair”#im just. please this hurts. its silly but it does hurt#just. UGH.#vent
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As a stranger on the internet (so feel free to ignore or tell me I'm out of line) you might just be going through a grieving process. It sucks, a lot, and I don't really have any advice other than it will slowly get better, but it might help simply knowing.
Grief is different for everyone, and looks different for everyone too. But either way I hope you feel better soon <3
It's very possible, I just don't want that to be the answer because then I don't know what to do
#it feels more like im using grief as an excuse to not do anything and i find it really upsetting#i just dont kno what to do. i have a lightning talk to give tomorrow and i cant get anywhere bc when i try to get anything done i just start#crying and everything feels like a mess that i have no motivation to clean up#just everything. why did i decide to do this with my life? why couldnt i have chosen a functional career path?#i dont kno what im doing. i dont kno how im going yo get things together for my committee meeting Friday#or how ill get thru it without crying. i dont even kno what i want. i wanna talk to my dad i guess but ive never told anyone in my family#when im having a hard time and i dont kno how to do that without making him worry#ugh. tomorrow's gonna suck. so does today. i just want the semester to be over. but then i cant escape my project. so idk what i want#i want sleep for 1000 years or at least until all my problems are gone#unrelated
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I keep trying to write an update and then being embarrassed about it and feeling like I’m trauma dumping on people by updating and I just..I know it’s on me to manage my crap, I know. I am trying (not very well but I’m trying) and it’s just…I don’t know. I don’t even know.
#please know i have thought about hospital but hospital would#genuinely make it worse (like I cannot even tell you how much worse)#i think I’m legitimately just…having a trauma reaction on top#of a jewish trauma spike#and dentists and having to move (I may have cleaned till I shook today also my arm#does not look great#i feel like i don’t actually verbally have the words#(i have tried not engaging i have tried engaging they both feel awful)#(hashem i don’t know would you even embrace me would you…)#(it’s not a meds thing (I take meds for mdd and I know what that looks like and this isn’t it)#(it’s hard to explain the difference between CPTSD and like a panic attack or a depression)#(except that I feel like I’m so so tainted and not in my body or if I’m in my body I’m in my body somewhere else#abuse cw#i didn’t ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered#this will disappear probably#UGH#(i am seeing my therapist tomorrow i just..i know i need to reach out to)#(to like my current landlords and ask if I could just pay for a cleaning service to come in)#(i know i need to be like ‘unfortunately my CPTSD is Fucking Terrible Right Now and I need)#(just a bit of grace apologies)#(i do not want my parents to know i do not want that)#(aside from the fact that I am already a burden to them anyway)#a stupid flop of a person i am crying thinking about how i had plans for kids and a wife and travel and…I’m nothing#(everyone else is something I’m not I don’t deserve grace lbr)#it keeps running through my head how many people i thought loved me want me dead#and it’s like I can fake it so well#(i don’t know I may be like sending words to people)#to run through the steps of not being alone#i’m truly sorry i am always not taking accountability and playing the victim and clinging to people#to get reassurance i don’t deserve that its a good person it isn’t it isn’t a person
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i've spent the last year with green ink (iroshizuku in shin-ryoku) in a purple pen (the ohto dude, fine nib) and purple ink (iroshizuku in murasaki-shikibu) in a white pen (vintage pen, medium nib), and at today's blessed stationery store annual sale i treated myself to grey ink (iroshizuku in fuyu-syogun) and a green pen (lamy al-star, ultra-fine nib) and now. now i have the conundrum: do i continue being anti-conformist with what colour ink lives in what pen, or do i finally colour-coordinate? or do i go based on which colour i want to use with which nib size??
#GPOY#trying SO HARD not to be an acquisitive fountain pen bitch#but i learned how to write with a fountain pen so it's my go-to everyday writing implement AND i love pretty colours#and frankly changing inks is like a two-day process and who has the TIME#so one ink one pen it is...and that means...many pen...#also i refuse to get multiple converters for each pen and cleaning converters is a whole other ball game ugh#also YES i am an unapologetic iroshizuku adherent. when every ink works beautifully in any pen on any paper you don't need 700 colours
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Me:
Real life events:
#flashing tw#gif tw#flash tw#ugh. don't want to vent on dash about the same thing again but got bad news about ol' dog (again). we don't know how much time he still has#with us but probably not that long. He's comfy and happy he just has symptoms strongly hinting at him being in the end-of-life stage#But also he's been gleefully swinging by death's door for the last year so I mean.#He requires a lot of around the clock care and cleaning now which has been going for over a year and I'm generally deep into that mechanical#routine / apathetic mode about it. Not a fan of how I process trauma nowadays but it is what it is#expect writer's/artblock on my end again#It's hard to run this blog to a satisfactory degree when I'm constantly in ''coping in advance'' mode#ugh#negative tw#pet illness tw
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Salty bitch in me sooooo satisfied by the fact that I probably make more money than the person who made my life hell last year lmfaooooo
#speculation nation#chatting with a coworker about how they ended up seeing her by chance#and she Asked about me. she seemed so preoccupied with me Specifically it seems!#and she apparently mentioned how shed consider coming back here and im just loke#lmfaoooooo girl im in charge of the hiring now and there is no WAY id hire her back#even without the personal grievances. she just caused some Real problems. like hell id accept her back.#but also she was a total BITCH to me. like really fucking nasty. and yeah maybe im still holding a grudge about it!#im a chill person but when someone makes me cry that hard for that long TWICE#yeah fuckin right id hire you back. keep dreaming.#anyways ive just been hanging out at work and chatting Whoops hfkshfj#my shift ended an hour and a half ago. i really should be going home soon.#the good news is i should be able to secure the lease renewal for only $40 more than the original renewal offer#the bad news is they havent replied since sending that which means its not in writing yet#WHICH MEANS the showing is still on for tomorrow. ugh.#which means i need to clean. blegh.#i guess having the pressure to clean isnt the worst but i really dont wanna lmaooo#at least i do have tomorrow off. i can make it work...#but yea my anxiety is a lot more manageable now. tempered by the satisfaction of being better paid than an old enemy#IT'S KIND OF FUNNY to call her that but she kind of is. it was mostly 1 sided bc she took issue with Me#i was fine being friendly work acquaintances but noooo she had to go and make my life fucking hell for several months#the social atmosphere has changed man. im not letting a snake back in.#im a nice person but i am a Resentful person. if youve wronged me i am never fucking forgetting.#but yeah i make more money than her ❤️ yay ❤️
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aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAA
#need adhd meds to function and stop my house from being months behind on basic chores and hygiene!#but adhd meds = somehow worse insomnia than the insomnia ive already had for 15+ years!!!!#sleeping meds to help = spending like 32 out of 48 hours sleeping over the weekend!!!!#nnnnggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh if i wasnt working evening shifts still because the economy is still fucked up from strikes id be fine#but nope!! ugh. u g h.#maybe i just blitz one day of makeup chores to get my house clean#and put myself on a rigid schedule whether i like it or not#ugh. parenting yourself like a toddler is hard.#i am exhausted and so so grumpy
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ooohhh yeeeee the isolation i s HITTING today it's hitting so so fucking good
#god i love living in the shining irl#idk why but for 4 years ive been like 'social media will help with this'#like i get online and ykno.. it's fun it's really nice ! i love the lil communities im a part of#i love expressing myself creatively and seeing other people's work and obsessing over lil shows and stories#i know its not that serious#i know i need to get the fuck out of this house and off the internet but it's so fucking hard#bcos no one masks anymore first of all#and 2nd i just .. idk !! i really like the vibes here ! i wish i could just chill and feel.. a 'part'#but ultimately i might need to go back to 1 hour of social media TOPS per day#cos im in painnnnn im in physical pain c: torment type shit#i think quitting my job might help a little??#but anyway fuck covid#fuck this violent white supremacist ass country#pivoting hard from the tone of this post but if anyone wants to kiki on discord or follow each other on insta just hml xD#i swear im .. more fun.. than this post probably portrays lol#lmaooo .. ugh.. oof... ok yea gonna go clean my house now
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I got a good grade in teeth! :)
#the dental cleaning appointment went really quickly and painlessly because I apparently didn’t have anything to clean but some stains#the doc and hygienists were all very surprised it had been 5 years since I’d gone to the dentist.#and here I thought i would need teeth pulled or had brushed all my enamel away or something#did give myself tooth and jaw pain from anxiety though. it was so hard to open my mouth at the dentists. gotta figure out how to loosen up#my jaw. I’ve started grinding my teeth ugh.
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#i called my dad and he's gonna fly out tomorrow#i feel so bad dragging him out here just bc im having some sort of breakdown#he's already been thru so much in the last 2 months. i hate that ive added to his stress#i dont kno how im gonna get things done this week. or how im gonna get thru the rest of the semester. or what im gonna do this summer#my life just feels like an absolute disaster. it's all been leading up to this: a catastrophic meltdown#but im stuck not being able to meet with my counselor until may 6th. not that it was very helpful last time. nor was my emergency session on#Thursday. i just dont kno what to do. so that makes it hard for ppl to help. i just feel like im a child throwing a tantrum#i just want to burn it all down. im so tired. i dont kno y i picked a career that makes me feel so stupid#maybe i should just stop. defer a semester or stop altogether and do something else#i dont have the self discipline to do something so far above my head. i dont care enough. i dont care about anything#ugh. but my dad is coming tomorrow so i should clean my room and try to get my assignments done before he gets here#ugh. this just sucks. its so stupid and frustrating#unrelated
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constellations chapter 3 is SO GOOD idk what the fuck happened there, but go OFF!!!
#i know everyone's in chapter 4 land but 3 is SOO GOOD#bro the stone forest alone....HELP#ugh it was so hard writing wukong's rage form but HOLY SHIT!! reading it after is so hype#do u ever just sit in a pavilion as the rain gently falls...with your ex-husband and mentee....and it's quiet and peaceful but#there's a strong turbulence going on deep inside you :3#the way wukong always dusts MK off and wipes his tears away and makes sure he's clean faced and ready to go#speaks to how much wukong cares about vanity#i mean he also is expressing comfort and compassion but. he also cares about appearances a lot#but anyway -- do you also ever have a conversation with your ex-husband through eye contact alone?#i think they've done that four times in this fic...#mk the entire journey: every day i get a little more homophobic#HE'S SO TIRED!!!!#MK after talking to wukong and macaque at the inn: yeah haha! i seriously wanna go home now! 🙃#MK on the phone: DADSY /PLEASE/ COME PICK ME UP!!!!#macaque seeing Wukong's eyes for the first time and actually stopping everything that he was doing#and just looking at wukong and being like “haha...heeyyy what the fuck?? did they do to you??” chef's kiss#wukong and macaque just talking while macaque captures that random man's shadow...please#as they reminisce about how things used to be...how easily they talk to each other when they're not guided by hate#that's the thing it's how easily they fall into step with one another#that's shadowpeach. they'll be off balance or one will be running and the other walking. they'll get distracted or whatever. but#they'll always fall back into step with one another#and that's why they've got to walk with each other. step by step...so they can stop being afraid 😌
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broke my literal whole life long habit of biting my nails in one go bc i went "hm i wanna try growing them out a bit longer thatll probably help me stop chewing on them" and then i havent done it since
#et cetera#i ❤️ scratching myself accidentally every 10 minutes#they keep breaking so ive started putting a hardener top coat thing on them so theyre super shiny also#but ugh so hard to keep clean...
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Omfg I hate him
"I wanna learn how to do this for myself so I don't have to bother you all the time like the other 3d printer"
"I need you to clean my fep plate because I don't know how!" Dude I've fucking done it for you every time and explained it every fucking time it's nit hard you're just being stupid.
Tiniest blemish on the fep plate: "ugh it's trash I don't care I'm not replacing it guess I'm just not printing"
Dude I said it's probably fine because it's not huge plush you can always just print around it it's not like it's right in the middle or anything.
You're not guilting me into changing it for you that doesn't work on me
#hes such a pain in the ass#dont try get into something if youre not actually gonna fucking learn how to do it yourself#im not your fucking engineer whatever you can just be like hey fix this for me#and when I was done I turned to leave and he was like “ugh bye then”#bitch I did the one thing you asked and I'm fucking leaving i was in the middle of doing shit when you demanded I clean it now#plus then when you saw the blemishes you said youre just done so clearly I dont need to do anything else#dude just learn this fucking shit its not fucking hard
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