#To be honest i really relate to the whole seeking love an affection thing

[wiggly-round-worm]

I’ll be honest i HATE the way the QSMP fanbase is treating Gegg and Tallulah. Like Gegg literally just appears, bro hasn’t done a single thing and people start talking about how they want him to die 😭 ?? And Tallulah starts feeling insecure trough no fault of Gegg and the Gegg tag just EXPLODES with hate. I’m a big petty baby and i don’t like seeing /neg in the tags bro. It just kinda feels like tallulahs the golden child who can do no wrong and Geggs the scapegoat who’s blamed for everything, and i feel like people are already taking it too far

[pigtailedgirl]

He's got the look! Of LOVE

Seriously, re-watch is just noticing how much time Fraser spends staring uncomfortably in love, focused, at Ray, multiple editions. EXAMPLE : This is first episode right here! Fraser stare.

Or you know his doing sly smiles and reactions every five seconds too.

And I love it. Because it's hard to gif! And because it's Fraser.

He says nothing. What he doesn't say screams.

Fraser is a closed book type character. For all he shares stories with others about his values, or anecdotes or stories of his life, for all his acts and oddities, his kindness and helping, or his passive aggressive snits; he uses that and presentation and it's to put up walls to block us the audience and the other characters from seeing him fully with these things. He doesn't tell the whole truth. He manipulates so it's entirely on his terms and comfort level just what level of Fraser you get. He's scared to show people he has wants or needs or feelings for himself. Maybe I think a part of him doesn't know the how or what on those things too. When he tells others things, his personal stories, notice how often he leaves out the and this is how I felt or feel. He doesn't want that to be the focus for others. For others to see him unless he shows it.

So it's very important I think you have to look for not just what he says, but what he does and shows consistently to us or someone. And about that someone. That's the key to understanding how Fraser feels and expresses his wants.

Great thing about the show is when it understands Fraser may consciously not want to show himself but through his voyeurism and nature and we the audience, sorry Fraser you do.

Anyways...

So with Ray, he drags Ray into all kinds of things, without really honestly asking or saying the why. Because the honest answer half the time boils down to just I want you along and with and that's one you can't say without saying I want or need you. Fraser's very bad that.

They do the odd couple routine of you Canadian, me American. They, and Fraser is way more master, manipulate and operate in understanding one another is a case of really playing with or verbalizing out the differences, to get us on to continue along in sync while avoiding or letting slip well, duh, we are together because emotionally we feel easily connected, even with differences.

So Fraser shows Ray, or thinks he does best he can, by dragging and tagging along. Sticking close by choice.

He shows us the audience too.

He shows all the time by considering or studying Ray how much he's paying attention to, wanting to get to know. He shows by leaning in or reacting to, verbal or physically, or even to other's reactions of, how much Ray has an affect on him.

And to me one of the biggest ways Fraser is obvious in his feeling's with Ray, is Ray is just about the only one besides Dief and his ghost Dad, that he'll seek out or let him in enough to see him back.

Goes back to The Pilot. Of its' not like Fraser doesn't connect or have emotional scenes with others. But Ray is the one who gets the honesty back outta him. Who he can show he's emotionally down to and try an feel understood by. Like there, yeah I'm here in this diner because I'm lonely and my dads gone, this is my only way to connect or do for him now...

Fraser shows he wants Ray to see his feelings in a way he opens about the why of himself to no one else.

And it's a recurrent throughout the series, even as they have some blow-outs and screw-ups on it. He shows Ray because Fraser trusts enough to be sad around or silly, or snippy, or teasing. But also just unsure. There's a comfort level in their interactions. He wants Ray to know him as a person and relate emotionally and even when he himself struggles how to handle that within, well if Ray sees it, that's okay.

[wafflesetc]

If I’m being honest when Hailey says how do I fix it she’s most likely talking about the case bc in the promo it also says we all miss things. She probably missed something that would have helped save a child sooner bc we all know Hailey gets protective of kids due to her past. Why the have her confiding in voight will never make sense.

It does probably have to relate to the case - especially because we know she dives into cases that strike a nerve within her. The promo gives us very little context as to what is really even going on, but Tracy does a good job making it look painful - which causes us to all panic. Understandably.

I get that he is the head of the unit and that to an extent he’s the one who is constantly there for the team, but the writers go back and forth on Voight on the will he change won’t he change/his whole approach to policing. And he doesn’t ever really change, so it creates a cycle where his influence on the team affects the characters, and somehow Voight is the only one who’s there for all of them.

They have made no effort to really develop Voight - and there’s a yoyo affect with the team. I think that they’ve really lost the interpersonal aspect of the team with the unit interacting with each other even on the screen and sort of off the screen, in the white space where they make a passing comment to one another but we never see it - and it’s really sad, because instead of relying on one another, they all tend to seek counsel through Voight. I’d love some more Kim and Kevin, Kim and Hailey, etc.

[cannibalvillains]

About shipping my muses, n stuff.

Gonna keep this a a constant WIP, as I figure stuff out. But I decided this could be fun to make for mutuals who maybe wanna ship. Give yall an angle.

Generally ship tropes I like; Arranged Marriage, Toxic, Hate-fucking, queerplatonic stuff, partners in love and crime aka "murder boyfriends", whatever the Addams Family had going, tragedy

(.... Sorry im not awfully good with pure fluff, just don't do it for me. Also; pointing to my no smut rp rule)

Brief details on each respective muse are under the cut!

MHA______________________________________________________

Dabi (demiromanic bi)

Tbh if my Dabi actually has feelings for sb id say its time to run. He is obsessive as hell and he can't do relationships normally. He has straight up stalked several other muses by this point. It was for different reasons but affection is definitely one of them. Also expect it to be undoubtly toxic. He can genuinely love but also it's god awful. He's honestly most easy to deal with on a "we only fuck and nothing else" type basis.

Ships i like for him; Shigaraki, Twice, Hawks (only toxic hatefucking), ...

Overhaul (aroace, repulsed type aka "dont fucking touch me")

Right out the gate: don't expect normal relationship dynamics with him. Just don't. Fact aside that he generally just sucks with people, Im serious when I say he's aroace. He will never fall in love with another character and he will happily die a virgin because that stuff just makes him beyond uncomfortable. That said, I wrote him in tight knit relationships before and they have been some of my fav in recent past. Either way it's a slowburn.

Ships I like for him; Kurono, Nagant, ...

Spinner (bi-curious)

Tbh this man is open to be shipped with almost anyone. I haven't really done stuff with him yet, and he is also very open. Doesn't think about this stuff right now but he would try his best if put in the situation.

Ships I like for him; ???

Eri WE DO NOT SHIP THE CHILD

Enji (disaster bi, in denial abt liking men)

Taking current canon into consideration; Enji is old, tired and doesn't seem himself as "attractive" anymore. His marriage was more duty than love and these days he is most in of all concerned with fixing things with his kids. Trying to ship him at that age would take a lot of convincing. Trying to get him to cheat on his wife like 10 to 20 years prior is an option but can only end terribly. (please I absolutely wanna do that!!) Anything before his marriage would be battling his drive to become the number one hero. (also fun)

Ships I like for him; All Might ( yes its terrible ), Rei ( yes its complicated ), ...

Twice (gay, hopeless)

He's a mess. You may think this means he best works with other people who are well put together, but I (terrible person) like to see spiral, together with other messes. Enjoy.

Ships I like for him; Dabi, anyone LOV tbh (also just purely platonic stuff; we love to see it), ...

Bakugou (bi)

Main criteria for people Bakugou likes; they stand up to him and give him challenges. Just straight up best compatible with muses who are either an asshole equal to himself, or just say "No, stop being a dick. I won't take your shit." If your muse just follows along with whatever he does he will not give them the time of day. He won't care.

Ships I like for him; Occhako, Monoma, Fujimi, ...

JJK_______________________________________________________

Sukuna (aro, an egnima)

I dunno yet what gets him... but you gotta be strong else he will just crush you and be bored. Probably best to get his interest through powerful Jujutsu/fighting skills though, obviously.

Ships I like for him; Gojo, Uraume, Toji, ...

Gojo (GAYYYY)

Definitely struggles to relate to people with his whole "its lonely being the strongest" business. Definitely not easy to connect to and will not be honest about his feelings. But BOY does he seek connection! Pathetic little man!

Ships I like for him; Geto(duh, tho tbh also love it as just best friends), Sukuna, Nanami, ...

Yuji (???)

I dunno yet, somebody give him Jennifer Lawrence! Or his former classmate, that seemed cute. Either way he is a sunshine boy who probably clicks easily with people but later in the story of jjk it may be difficult to get close, the trauma of losing people and all that....

Ships I like for him; ???

Maki (???)

I dunno yet either, give her Jennifer Lawrence as well! Ok no, forreal though. I think she needs someone who can help her relax and not be so stuck on her goals all the time (tho do support her goals... and shittalk the Zen'in clan together...!!)

Ships I like for her; ???

Kenjaku (EVIL)

Would probably fuck anyone. I dunno if you should get near them though. There is like.... ALL THE RED FLAGS. Doesn't care much for the people they start relationships with. To them it's just all a game.

Ships I like for them; Yuji's dad, Gojo (while disgused as Geto, def in a toxic af way), ...

OP________________________________________________________

Law (gay af)

Honestly, this guy has a terrible taste in men and he knows it. He also hates it. He wants to have a good relationship but he got a tendency to get into the ones he regrets, and doesn't regret, but so damn regrets. I think there is a lot of fun kinda drama to be had here.

Ships I like for him; Kidd, Bepo, Zoro, Robin ( yes i said hes gay... they just match ), ...

Doffy (bi and awful)

On the outside Doffy is sweet, charming and flirty, makes all the compliments and expresses his care for his person of interest. He is also manipulative, possessive and most of all cares for himself.... YOU SHOULD RUN.

Ships I like for him; ...

BLEACH___________________________________________________

Zagetsu (nope)

Eh. I just have him to be a creature tbh. If you wanna ship with him genuinely, CONVINCE ME.

Ships I like for him; NAH

[iwriteasfotini]

Sex, Sexuality and Gender Representation

First: I must admit I have rather limited personal experience with a wider range of gender and sexuality labels. Just the way my life has gone and I wish it was different. But if I make mistakes, it is fully out of naïvety and I apologize in advance. I am happy to learn and to right any major wrongs. I want to be supportive of this amazing community, a community I wish I could have found as a younger person. 

I chose to go with a more modern attitude for gender and sexuality as if this story were taking place now (though I stayed true to other cultural aspects of the 1970’s and beyond). The characters don’t question their sexuality much, the magical world has a variety of acceptance and prejudices against individuals based on these labels, but it isn’t a huge deal. While I did want to draw attention to some aspects of the sexual development of teenagers, my focus is on how different people progress through physical intimacy. 

To be honest, I didn’t feel like diving into gender and sexuality labels was the core of the story I wanted to tell. I believe these characters were made for each other, no matter their gender. And sticking with canon gender was easiest and made most sense. If you head canon someone a different way than they are represented, I hope you can use a little imagination to make that happen for yourself. 

I wish I had grown up in a time when society was more accepting of a variety of gender and sexual identities. I know this is still not reality for many, but there has been a major shift from the nineties. I am so happy to be able to write a wider variety of relationships and gender identities than I’ve read in most published fiction. 

Onto sex…

So this story spans many years, and begins when the Marauders are eleven. I really wanted to write them comprehensively from a young age, as this was something I hadn’t found in many other works of Marauders fanfiction. I wanted to make it something a teenager could read and relate to. That being said, it is a little awkward writing the sexual development of tweens to teens to adults. I also tried to take into account the living situation a boarding school such as Hogwarts offers, and all it implies. For one, very little parental supervision. But also very little parental emotional support. 

I waffled occasionally as to whether to simply leave it (being all sexual intimacy) all out and keep the rating lower, but that felt so inauthentic to me. These characters love each other, deeply. To me that is far more important than their biological ages. We watch some of them eek through different stages of physical intimacy, and some of them flash through them. It is very relationship dependent. And there is a richness physical intimacy brings to a relationship. As an adult reading general published fiction, I get annoyed when sex scenes are glossed over, especially if the relationship has been building to this point for like an entire book. I understand not every book needs to be a romance novel, that people can seek that out if they want to, but goodness, sometimes it feels like the taboo or shame of sex keeps some really special scenes from being written. 

Anyways, I find the fictional tweens turning to each other for comfort, both physically and emotionally from a young age very realistic. A lot of physical affection takes place which is not sexual in nature. This in turn influences the whole sex thing, which for me is very much a journey that begins in the teenage years. I’ve tried to represent it as authentically as possible while keeping the character’s actual ages in mind. In terms of the explicitness of underage content… it varies, and I have written two versions of certain chapters to hopefully meet people who don’t want graphic descriptions AND those who do.  But for the younger teens, none of it is EXTREMELY graphic in my opinion. Sometimes it’s all left to your imagination and sometimes we follow up on what ‘actually happened’ later. The lives of these characters aren’t that long (tragically), and I feel ok about letting the relationships which I love between these characters flourish for the time they are alive. 

I have included education and consent as major themes through the character’s sexual development.

I’ve really had to think back to my own teenage years, and how I felt about sex at that age. Sex is part of life, and it can be meaningful or it can be for fun, and figuring all that out is part of being a teenager, part of being a human being really. I hope I’ve written something which does this topic and these characters justice. Something I would have really connected to as a teenager. Something that I’d feel good about my own child reading when they are of an appropriate age to do so.

>>><<<

This is one of my Author Notes for the series Our Love is Written in the Stars which will begin daily posting on Ao3 on October 31.

[herearemythoughtsjustincaseidie]

My name is pat and, for as long as I can remember, I've had an intense fear of death

It has caused me sleepless nights, panic attacks, and so so many tears. I like to keep busy, because it helps to avoid the thoughts. But they become so loud in the dead of night, where nothing can distract me from the simple fact that someday, i will die.

.

The first time I realized that I was going to die, I was maybe 5 or 6, I cried to my parents about it. They didn't help me much, all my mom said was That's just how life is; Similarly to plants we will all eventually grow old and pass away.

I've no idea why they thought that would be comforting to a small child, but their confirmation just scared me even more. That was the night that I started praying, begging, to the Lord: Please make everyone immortal. I don't want to die, and I don't want anyone I know and love to die. Every night until the eventual end of my faith, I would beg Him over and over and over again. Please. I don't want to die.

.

Eventually, I learned how babies were made, and it confused me. I couldn't understand why anyone wanted kids. If parents loved their children so much why the hell would they subject them to the experience of death by bringing them to life? I couldn't wrap my head around it.

That was when I started resenting my parents for giving birth to me.

.

When I got my first job straight out of college, I was in the worst mental state I'd ever been. I was struggling at work due to my then undiagnosed ADHD and I was in a relationship with someone who couldn't relate and would keep implying that I just needed to try harder. That was the first time the thought dying wouldn't be so bad had ever popped into my mind.

When I realized that it was there, I didn't know how to feel.

.

Seeking out help was hard. Being in a country that doesn't really prioritize mental health as much as other countries do, and being so uneducated about how and where to look, it would take me a couple of years and a pandemic for me to eventually look for a psychiatrist.

My first psychiatrist was a lady who was nice enough, but gave off some slight red flags that made me uncomfortable. Like being 30 minutes late to a 1 hour appointment that lasted for like 10 minutes. And also immediately diagnosing me with ADHD and giving a prescription for Ritalin on our first meeting.

After that experience, I took the meds and it actually helped me with my work. I realized that maybe I did actually have ADHD even though her assessment was kind of bullshit. But because I was so turned off by my doctor I never went back. It would take me 2 more years and a couple of layoffs/terminations for me to seek out help a second time.

.

My second psychiatrist was kind and gave off motherly vibes. She was sweet and understanding and understood my concerns with how quickly my first doctor recommended drugs to me. She made me go through a relatively thorough assessment, that involved getting other people to answer questions about me, and a ton of expensive lab tests before she recommended me to try Ritalin again. She even helped me get a PWD ID so that it wouldn't affect my wallet as much as it would have. I told her about my trouble sleeping, and she gave me recommendations that actually helped.

To this day I'm still with her. And if I'm going to be honest, my productivity at work has improved, and my sleep is at least somewhat controllable now.

.

Looking back at the whole mental health journey, I kinda wish I never found out I had ADHD. Or at least that I never got help for it.

Now that things are looking up, now that I'm in a better healthier relationship with someone I'm madly in love with, now that I have 2 dogs that I care for with all my heart, now that I'm actually becoming happier, the bad nights have returned. Louder. Scarier.

.

When I was suffering, I at least didn't mind dying, you know? At least the thought didn't kill me as much anymore. I was starting to be more accepting of it even though I was still scared. At least I could lean on the thought of when I die, at least I won't hurt anymore

.

Now, I have so much I don't want to lose and so much I don't want to leave behind. So much I still want to do. The older I get the worse the fear has gotten.

And you know, sometimes I think of just getting it over with. I hate the anticipation. The suspense. The sinking feeling I get whenever I realize it could happen any time. If I just get it over with, I'll at least have control of it. I get to decide and I won't have to think about it anymore.

But at the same time, I'm not sure if I can ever be strong enough to do it.

.

.

.

My name is pat and, as of writing this, I am 26 years old. I have an intense fear of death, and I think my fear will eventually be the thing that kills me.

So here are my thoughts, just in case I die.

[psycholojosh]

hello, can i ask po? yung hierarchy ni maslow. if in order for to achieve esteem, i have to fulfill muna the belongingness, how can you possibly do that if your issues hindi lang siya rooted in one tree, but multiple? human emotions and fulfillment are quite complex, now fulfilled ka, the next empty. technically, us, as a whole is not stable or ako lang unstable? how do you define toxicity ba?

Hi! So this question (or should I say questions?) is very nuanced. I noticed you started asking about Maslow, but then proceeded to ask about emotions, fulfillment, and "wholeness", then about "toxicity". While they may be related one way or another, I think it's best if we break this down accordingly, with the info that you gave me.

Before anything, though, if this question requires professional advice, this is not the best place to look for it. But, I'll answer this in a way that could hopefully inform you and figure things out for yourself -- especially with one of the questions that refer to you. So, please do seek professional advice (i.e., a psychologist) when you need to.

Okay so...

About Maslow's hierarchy of needs:

yung hierarchy ni maslow. if in order for to achieve esteem, i have to fulfill muna the belongingness, how can you possibly do that if your issues hindi lang siya rooted in one tree, but multiple?

Tama ka naman. Maslow indeed theorized that we require our needs for love and belongingness to be fulfilled before we could "truly" fulfill our needs for self-esteem. In a gist: Surrounding yourself in a nurturing environment (i.e., family, friends, partner/s, loved ones, peers, community, etc.) can help you feel that you are supported and that you belong somewhere. But that does not mean that we should not do things that boost our self-esteem when we're still trying to find a place to be loved and belong. This is a major misconception. Maslow just says that it might help us fulfill higher levels of needs much more efficiently when the lower ones are too. So if you wanna practice your self-love first, go for it!

You mentioned something about multiple "trees" and I wish you could have explained what you meant by this more. But, I'm assuming that you're talking about intra- and interpersonal issues that you have been living with for quite some time, if not more. I think the simple answer I can provide to you now is to first explore and identify what these deep-rooted issues are and accept that you have them - no matter how unpleasant that may sound. Be it anxieties, insecurities, things you don't like about yourself, regrets, flaws, imperfections, and so on - it is your prerogative to understand where they come from (i.e., family upbringing, childhood, past and present experiences, etc.) and how they affect you now. Do they make you feel like it's difficult to receive and express love and care to others? Do they make it difficult for you to appreciate yourself, flaws and all? Try to be honest with yourself, without judgement. (I mean, we all have them anyway.)

Now, what about addressing them? As for fulfilling one's needs, it's a matter of personal work. And this brings me to the next point...

The questions about fulfilling your needs and "stability":

human emotions and fulfillment are quite complex, now fulfilled ka, the next empty. technically, us, as a whole is not stable or ako lang unstable?

You've actually touched on a very important idea in psychology - the push-and-pull between stability versus change. Humans, we are all dynamic in many ways. Like what you said, one day you may feel fulfilled, and perhaps another day you won't. That's how life really is.

And actually... Maslow's hierarchy does not assume that we go up the hierarchy and remain there once needs are fulfilled. This is also a common misconception by many people. It's not the same as video games that require your character to level up and not go down forever. No such thing in real life! We will always (trust me, always!) fluctuate between the different levels of needs because there are things within and without our control as people. Major life changes and even losses in life (i.e., a loved one, material things, etc.) can make it difficult for us to make our needs met. On the other hand, like what I mentioned in the previous point, it may be also difficult for some to achieve their needs due to many barriers internally and externally. But, very rarely do people achieve all their needs in the hierarchy. That does not mean we should not try.

The idea behind Maslow's hierarchy is an invitation to look at ourselves as humanly as possible. That's why it was designed the way it is. So, to be honest, there really is no pressure for us to reach the top of the hierarchy as we journey through life. What this hierarchy gives us is a tool to how we can navigate our life -- but it's not without it's own limits, of course. If we find that some needs are not met, Maslow also believed that we have the potential to fulfill them ourselves. If anything, he actually puts a lot of faith that humans are capable of living their lives as problem-solvers and meaning-makers. But this requires continuous, active personal work, like what we do in therapy or when we change ourselves for the 'better' (whatever that looks like for you). Again, I'm only working with the info you gave me.

A question about "toxicity":

how do you define toxicity ba?

I don't know the context about where this came from. I have some guesses how this relates to the other two points you raised, but this really is a separate discussion altogether. Also, I do not know you personally enough to give any sound or specific answers to this.

I think simply put, anything we deem "unhealthy" to our wellbeing is what we consider "toxic." This may include unhealthy or unhelpful habits, thoughts, behaviors, relationships, and environments that we live with - among many other things.

So if I may ask back: What would you consider toxic or unhealthy? If you don't know what they are, then maybe pay attention to the things that you notice or guess to be threatening or negatively impactful to your wellbeing. Then ask yourself, is it still work keeping in your life? Or is it time to let it go or change it?

---

I hope these bits help you. Just a note: Maslow is just one of the MANY theories or ideas in psychology that people use nowadays to understand their lives. It is NOT the end-all-be-all of human behavior. There are other ways we can look at ourselves and understand ourselves deeper.

Again, this post is not to give any specific advice but just to unpack the very nuanced questions you raised. But, consider asking for professional help if you feel like it requires a much in-depth personal exploration. I recommend going to psychotherapy or talking to a psychologist.

Officially, I think that this is my longest answer thus far! Hahahaha!

Anyway, do take care! ✨

[nyaitsu-writes]

hihi :D i literally geeked out over ur writing yesterdya and was wondering if i could possibly RQ some headcanons of kuro and rei with a very affectionate (both physically with hug overloads and verbally) S/O ?!

anonnie, i love writing affectionate people. it’s just. it’s so good ; w ; and you even asked for rei and kuro? oh wow i have such a soft spot for cuddling <33 also ahhh thank youuu ;; i can’t believe someone would geek over my writing, it makes me so happy!!

✧ kuro, rei | affectionate s/o ✧

REI SAKUMA;

✦ did anyone say affection? this touch starved cuddle craving vampire is living the time of his life: rei is absolutely head over heels for you. you are so cute? ahh, affection, the only thing that can move this old man’s heart! really though, he isn’t even trying to hide how happy he is. he spends at least 90% of the day just draping himself all over you, kissing your cheek and just. indulging in love.

✦ being able to tell rei something nice becomes a challenge. if you tell him “I like you a lot” he’ll reply with “I love you most”. you give him a compliment and he’s 5 pages into describing how beautiful and awesome you are. he speaks in long flourishes and complicated words but it never fails to win you over… it’s a battle of affection now ( •̀ ω •́ )✧

✦ rei makes cuddle dates a thing. just you and him, cuddling over a whole pillow fort worth of blankets and overall comfiness. he loves it when you cuddle in his chest, when you curl up next to him and he gets to rest his head just next to you. he’ll gently brush your hair between his fingers, his deep yet soft voice so soothing… you end up holding each other every time and neither of you will want to let go.

✦ for rei, romanticism is deeply related to affection. yes, the craving and the yearning are good — but just for books. not only do you enjoy being with him but you seek his attention, his touch. It makes him feel so loved.

✦ and so there's a million of tiny little details in rei’s personal love language that align perfectly with yours. he likes playing with your hair, keeping you close when you're about to kiss. holding your chin as he stares deep into your eyes, whispering love words as he reaches for another kiss; seeing a river of emotions in your face: happiness, slight embarrassment and yearning. believe me, you probably want him to kiss you just as much as he wants to kiss you... but let him enjoy the situation a bit more, okay?

✦ rei loves it so much when you hold his hand out of the blue when you're out for a walk. It fits just perfectly in his. if you hold his arm and rest your head against him and then try to look at his eyes, you'll be able to see the softest smile ever. you look like a couple of newlyweds and he can't shake that thought off his head. he’s so happy <3

KURO KIRYU;

✦ kuro is strong. maybe he didn't become stronger for all the right reasons (the recklessness of his younger years still haunts him to this day) but now he only uses his power for protecting the people he holds close: that is his family, his friends and of course his beloved s/o

✦ which sometimes leads him to overthink the silliest situations. is he holding you too hard? you aren't hurting, are you? kuro’s hugs have become stronger the more you've been dating because 1) he loves to feel you against his chest and 2) you always ask him to hold you. so now daily kuro bear hugs are a thing.

✦ he understands that you express your love with tons and tons of affection and he isn’t going to complain. it takes him a bit to get used to and even today you can still see his cheeks growing a bit warmer with every sweet love word that comes out of your lips.

✦ physical affection isn’t really that much of a problem anymore, but verbal? he got absolutely flushed the first time you told him “I love you” out of nowhere, hiding his mouth under his hand and coughing. he wasn’t expecting you to be this honest! but it’s not like he hates it after all… there’s a fuzzy feeling in his chest now. please make yourself responsible for it.

✦ he wants to reciprocate your affectionate nature! he started by giving you headpats and it slowly turned into hand holding and forehead kisses, things like sneaking a hand around your waist just so he can bring you closer and kiss you more easily. he makes sure to say “i love you too” every time you say that to him.

✦ cuddling serves as his small energy recharge moment. resting your head on top of your shoulder after a long day, your back against his chest. you're free to talk about your day in those moments: kuro is just content listening to the soft beating of your heart.

✦ sometimes, you jump into his arms to try and surprise hug him. if he’s carrying something, be sure that he’ll drop it to catch you each and every time. but it’s like a cute little game: if he catches you, you get to lay between his arms. and if he doesn’t, you get to pass your hands around his neck and balance yourself while trying not to make both of you fall down. well, you might have knocked him like that a few times but to be honest? the idea of rolling around the floor while hugging kuro doesn’t really sound that bad (●ˇ∀ˇ●)

[testudoaubrei-blog]

“I’m loyal, that’s my whole thing.” - Scorpia, Season 4 Episode 6, Princess Scorpia

“Everything they taught us in the Horde about loyalty is meaningless” - Lonnie, Season 4 Episode 5, Protocol

Rewatching Season 4, I just finished Princess Scorpia. This is an episode that has always stuck with me, especially the A plot of Scorpia realizing how badly Catra has treated her and everyone else and deciding to leave. One thing I’ve been thinking about since I finished the series, though, is what this episode is telling us on a larger level. Looking beyond the character arcs and more at this show’s larger themes and message. Because this show is very much a show that says things, made by people who believe them. That earnestness and depth is one reason I keep coming back to it.

In the pull-quote above, and throughout the episode and before it, Scorpia defines herself in terms of loyalty. It is her identity - as she says, that’s what Scorpions do, they’re loyal. Her actions for three and a half seasons bear this out. When she first shows up, she tries to position herself as Catra’s new best friend, the one who won’t leave her and will stick by her no matter what. And that’s what she does, until this episode. She sticks by Catra through Catra’s increasingly villainous plots and erratic behavior. But she doesn’t just stick around. Until the portal, she barely contradicts Catra, and even afterwards, does so only furtively and immediately backs away as soon as Catra pushes back. For more than a year of show time, Scorpia has not just stood by Catra, or supported her, she’s actively assisted her in her most villainous and destructive acts. Scorpia is fighting by Catra’s side, eagerly carrying out her orders, and doing her utmost to see that Catra succeeds. But her loyalty goes beyond this practical help. Because for all that Catra loudly declares that she doesn’t need a new best friend, she consistently seeks out connection throughout the show, even when she’s at her most isolated in season 4. She needs moral support, and connection, and to know that she isn’t alone. Scorpia provides that, and keeps Catra going. Though Scropia isn’t initiating Catra’s various misdeeds, she’s assisting and supporting Catra throughout. On a personal, psychological level, the only word that seems adequate for this is ‘ennabling’ - Scorpia, sweet as she is, is Catra’s enabler. We see in the next few episodes what happens when Catra doesn’t have Scorpia’s support - she breaks down, and realizes that her actions really do have consequences, and that the affection she took for granted for so many years is something she can’t live without. But as long as Scorpia’s still around, Catra can’t make that realization.

Now I’m not going to say that Scorpia is morally culpable for Catra’s own actions. She’s not. Catra is solely responsible for her various betrayals, manipulations, violent outbursts and assorted murder attempts against...most of the rest of the cast (though being raised by Shadow Weaver sure as shit is a mitigating factor). But while Catra is obviously being a bad friend to Scorpia throughout, Scorpia isn’t actually being as supportive or helpful to Catra as she thinks, because Catra doesn’t actually need unconditional support, she needs people to be honest with her and express to her how she’s hurting them. She needs people who will stand up for themselves just as she needs to take responsibility for her own actions. This is part of why she and Adora have such a healthy dynamic in season 5 - Adora doesn’t take her crap, and Catra takes responsibility for her crap.

However, Scorpia -is- responsible for her own actions. And as I said above, she’s been with Catra every step of the way as Catra has attacked just about everyone and made war on Etheria. On a larger, political level, Scorpia is a willing participant in upholding the Horde’s oppressive system, and executing a war of aggression and colonization against innocent people. Speaking of colonization, perversely, she’s loyal to the very organization that dispossessed her and literally stole her birthright, then discarded it like a useless trinket when it was no longer useful to them. No one ever suggests ‘why don’t we let Scorpia connect with ~her runestone~’ until Glimmer does (and Glimmer’s motivations and arguments aren’t exactly forthright). Scorpia’s loyalty makes her an accomplice in her own oppression (like a bunch of the themes in this show there’s some interesting post-colonial stuff that the show doesn’t fully explore, probably because Noelle and the crew felt self-conscious about telling a post colonial story, or just didn’t know where to go with it). Interestingly, Scorpia’s loyalty to the Horde here parallels her loyalty to Catra, which has made her completely disregard her own wellbeing, which is the most obvious take away from the episode.

But I would argue that everything above shows that for Scorpia loyalty has been a way of avoiding developing her own moral compass. Scorpia repeatedly shoves aside questions of right or wrong in favor of being loyal to her friends and to the Horde. Loyalty has made Scorpia not only willing to accept her own mistreatment, but to willingly mistreat others, and to keep herself from asking any hard questions about what she’s doing or why. This is despite the fact that Scorpia is, by inclination, an incredibly gentle, kind and compassionate person. She’s willing to silence the best parts of her nature out of loyalty to Catra and the Horde. In the end, she also commits acts of violence and perpetuates the oppression of Etheria. And this is so insightful, because we see this sort of thing in our world all the time. So many oppressive institutions depend upon the loyalty of their members to keep them ‘just following orders’; so many abusive systems depend upon loyalty to stifle dissent and silence potential whistleblowers before they even speak. We see this in some of the most oppressive institutions and the worst scandals in our own society, and looking back through human history we see it in some of our nation’s and our species' most infamous crimes.

And when we look at the Horde as a system that Hordak has built in imitation of his elder brother’s empire, we see just how central loyalty is an ethos. Hordak himself is motivated entirely by loyalty to Prime - being a former clone, he spends the entire series not fully capable of accepting himself as an autonomous being (even when he acts like one and enjoys it, there’s some fucked up religious shit there that I won’t get into). He seems to have instilled this in his followers. The Horde Trio, Catra and Scorpia all hold loyalty as one of their highest values. Catra clings to it as her biggest accusation against Adora - that she was disloyal, as expressed in Catra’s perception that Adora broke her promise and abandoned her. Loyalty keeps the Horde Trio together and fighting for the Horde, and Scorpia with Catra. I think we can read between the lines and say the Horde runs on loyalty (as well as fear) and this is a very insightful portrayal of oppressive military and paramilitary institutions like armies of conquest and occupation and other instruments of state violence.

There’s another, related way of looking at how a sole reliance on loyalty as a moral framework has stunted Scorpia’s moral growth, and I think that brings together both the ways that it makes Scorpia willing to accept her mistreatment and participate in the mistreatment of others. Namely, loyalty in the Horde style isn’t just sticking with someone or something, but subsuming your own will into theirs. Following orders. Supporting your friend in what they do no matter what. Whatever you call it, it’s about turning off your own self - your self preservation, your self respect, your conscience, whatever other things you value - and just going along with what the person or institution you are loyal to wants you to do. And this is where Horde loyalty goes full circle, back to its origin - Horde Prime, the narcissistic self-made god who wishes to control or destroy everything that is not himself. Loyalty as Hordak conceived of it and as the Horde believes in it is a reflection of Prime's absolute control over all his domain.

In a way, self-determination is one of this show’s highest values (together with love). It’s at the heart of Adora’s 5-season, 3 year struggle to become her own woman and her own hero as she shrugs off one imposed destiny and then another and finally embraces what she wants. In a more negative form, it’s at the heart of Catra’s arc, as she finally accepts responsibility for her own actions and their consequences and starts working to make a world that she actually wants to live in, as well as admit to herself that what she really wants is love. And I could go on. This self-determination is existentially, obviously threatened by Prime chipping people, but it is also stunted by horde-style loyalty that demands unquestioning support and obedience.

Both the Horde Trio and Scorpia reject the Horde’s ideal of loyalty and walk away, but I think it’s interesting how they do it. Neither rejects loyalty entirely (not on the way Adora does) - the Trio, realistically, remain loyal to each other and simply walk away and walk out of the war (this might save their lives), joining the other disillusioned cynics in the Crimson Wastes. They reject loyalty to the horde and embrace a more supportive and respectful form of loyalty to each other. Scorpia leaves, but she actually comes to her crisis and makes her decision out of loyalty, and because it’s clear that her loyalty isn’t returned. The immediate situation - loyalty to Emily and Entrapta’s memory on one hand and Catra’s orders on the others - creates the conflict between loyalties that forces Scorpia to actually make her own choice rather than deferring to Catra. But she also reflects how Catra betrayed her loyalty to Entrapta, and thus how all of her friends’ loyalty to Catra is not returned.This is another point about horde-style loyalty - it’s one way - Hordak or Catra will demand your loyalty, but they feel no obligation to return it, which reflects Prime’s view of every other being in the universe as disposable. It’s only when she’s with the Princesses that Scorpia starts to find a new moral center, though sticking up for and protecting her friends remains important to her. In neither case, though, are these kinds of loyalty coming at the cost of either the Trio or Scorpia’s autonomy or ability to make moral choices of their own. In the very next episode, she says she wants to 'be A good friend' which is how the Princesses typically describe sticking together, which is a much more active and holistic concept than 'loyalty'. Scorpia confesses that she doesn't even know how, but she wants to learn and thinks the princesses can teach her.

There's another interesting counterexample to Horde Loyalty. Adora repeatedly breaks with the people around her to do what is right. First she leaves the Horde, then walks away from Catra by stages when it is clear that Catra is going to continue to harm other people and Etheria. Then she walks away from Glimmer, defies Light Hope and breaks loyalty with her supposed destiny and purposes as well as loyalty to the homelans she has never known. By season 5, Adora is loyal only to herself and the people she cares about, but she isn't constraining her will to anyone else's. For all that she seems like a rule follower Adora has a rebellious streak a mile wide, and she will do what is right, no matter what. This is what allows her to save the universe 3 times.

So the show’s argument is that loyalty is not a good moral framework to base all of our actions around. I don’t think it goes so far as saying that loyalty has no place in our ethics (being a good friend, which is such a huge part of the show, certainly includes loyalty, especially sticking with people when the going gets tough), but the show stresses time and again that being loyal to something or someone shouldn’t make you disregard yourself and what you think is right. Because it’s only by living out our own values and taking responsibility for our own actions that we can come into our own as moral beings. Moreover, if we insist on maintaining loyalty to institutions that oppress us and others, we can’t dismantle the systems of oppression that are holding us and other people down. (Yes, this is a pretty radical message, but I suspect that Noelle is some kind of anarchist? Anyway, it’s a thing.)

Okay, so that’s what I, a 35 year old, get from this kids show. I think it’s also worth pointing out that this lesson applies to younger viewers too, in their most immediate lives. Younger viewers will have had friends who didn’t treat them well, or might not have treated other people well, and who might have pressured them into participating in the mistreatment of others (this is kind of how bullying works a lot of the time). I think it’s important that younger viewers see how being a good friend never means disrespecting yourself or other people and it means a lot to me that She-Ra shows this in such a nuanced and realistic way.

[thesacredself]

🍃 Earth Signs: Chakra Reading 🍃

taurus, virgo, and capricorn (sun, moon, rising, and venus). Please take what resonates ✨

The cards that came up for you this week are Recovery and Trickery.

Earth signs, you received Recovery in your last reading. Perhaps there’s something here that you haven’t been addressing quite as effectively as you need to. These cards are in the heart and the third eye chakra, but it seems your third eye is not fully activated right now. This is all about our intuition, our inner child, and how we can find inner guidance. It’s difficult to tap into wounds; we often don’t want the hurt and difficulty that comes with that, yet it’s essential to do so for our own growth. Something has come up for you- a childhood wound, a wound in regards to relationships with others, or just a wound from the past that you really weren’t expecting to come up. You may have already felt it or you may be feeding into it without realising, but what’s good for you right now is to sit with your feelings, to check in with yourself. Once you take a step back and embrace your own emotions, healing naturally happens. If you are able to overcome this obstacle, there is a whole path ahead of you that will be much clearer, much lighter, and much more joyous. You have to ask yourself if you’re ready to sit in that dark space within you, in order to make way for the light. It’s scary, it’s hard, and it’s understandable we want to resist sitting with that, but it really is for the best. Take care of yourself as best as you can, look after yourself in a way you weren’t looked after in the past; be the person you needed back then. Don’t wait for anyone else to bring that compassion to you- give it to yourself. This can be tiring, having to give love to ourselves when others won’t give it to us, but by learning to give ourselves love, understanding, and compassion, we start to learn who is worthy of being in our space and who isn’t. Resultantly, any inner child work at this time might be a good idea.

This may be related to the same issue or may be another theme coming up for you, but you need to ask at this time if your heart is really in it. Whether that be a project, a relationship, taking care of yourself- what is feeling a little lacklustre, emotionally? When someone has hurt us or when we make mistakes, this doesn’t happen because people are inherently bad or you’re inherently bad in any type of way; it happens because we’re humans who want to be deeply loved, recognised, and appreciated. Sometimes, our fear of rejection, of being hurt, of being disappointed get in our way and it’s time to start forgiving yourself or forgiving others. If you find it difficult to handle this kind of emotional burden, it’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to ask for time off of work, even just for a day, to ask to speak to a loved one, to seek mental health support, to spend time in a way that is comforting or joyous with another person. Don’t distract yourself from the problem, but let this comfort uphold any negative emotions you’re feeling. Be open-minded as to how and where assistance will come to you; you may be surprised! In order to move forward, it seems like the best thing to do is to be honest, in whatever way that needs to be. Do you need to be honest with yourself about how you’re actually feeling or how your behaviours/perception have fed into the situation? Do you need to be honest with someone else that you’re struggling or be honest about how someone’s affected you? In what ways does your truth call to you right now? What is the truth in your heart and how can you sit with those emotions until you’re ready to move forward? Be honest- at least with yourself- about what it is you need to say or do. This will really help you to move forward.

Journal Prompts

Have I been making space for myself and my emotions? How can I sit in stillness and quiet? Are there any ways that I can embrace my emotions- do I know how to do that? What would happen if I allowed myself to feel my emotions and give them forgiveness, understanding, and love, holding these heavy feelings in a warm embrace? Am I scared of acknowledging and sitting with these heavy emotions? Could I use meditation, mindful walking, or other mindful/spiritual practices to help me with them? Has any hurt come up for me that relates to wounds from my childhood or adolescence? Does the hurt I feel now relate to the way I was treated by others in the past or events that caused me great hurt, embarrassment, or fear? Do I accept the idea that acknowledging my feelings and resting is a form of self-care and healing within itself? Have I been postponing this sense of stillness? Why? How can I treat myself now? How can I do something good for myself now? Is there a way I can ask others for support during this time? Am I waiting for someone else to give me acceptance and compassion when I can give it to myself?

Do I feel there’s an area in my life that’s lacklustre at the moment? Do I fear making a mistake or putting myself out there in case I am rejected or hurt again? Is there a way I can forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made or forgive others? (This doesn’t necessarily mean letting them back into your space). Is there a way I can lift this emotional burden right now? Is there a way I can address the areas that feel lacklustre, such as injecting more joy, more motivation, more rest? Am I distracting myself from the problem, rather than taking the time to really sit with the issue? Are there ways I’m being dishonest about my thoughts and feelings? Is there a way I can express them healthily and with people who will hold them in empathy and support? Are there people in my life who are being dishonest with me and is there a way I can distance myself from that situation? Where do I need to accept the truth of the situation and what lies in my heart?

For self-love readings or general readings, you can follow my Patreon and receive them straight to your email! 💌

[honeyabyss]

Sleepover

Lucifer:

Okay so you want to have a sleepover with Luce, it probably happend a lot already, but not under those circumstances, it’s rather falling asleep in his study and waking up in his bed, questioning if something else happend last night

you propose the sleepover and at first Luce is confused like “but you already sleep in my room? wait a sleepover isn’t about sleeping? why would it be called a sleepover then?”

so you explain him, that it’s about spending some fun time with friends and that it leads to staying over night...and Luce agrees to your propsal of a sleep over

at the day of the sleepover you enter his room to find him organizing documents and other work related stuff

...? Wow that sounds like a lot of fun...

Well excuse you for Lucifer being a responsible righthand man, who still has to do some work!!!

you watch him work while listening to a few of his old records and sipping some demonus, all in all just like any other day you decide to visit him in his study, just the location changed

you’re bored out of your mind and your sighs annoy Luce so he asks you to stop..let’s be honest you probably going to answer his request with another sigh

“Is this not what you had hoped for today?” asks Lucifer the obvious

after some explanation he finally gets that you wanted to relax together and not do the usual stuff

“I apoogize, I simply assumed ‘fun time together’ meant the same to you as to me. I enjoy all the time spent with you” smooth talks his way out of his mistake

he actually puts his work down and asks you if you’d like to take a late night walk through the garden instead

when your walk ends, it is already very late, even for Luces terms, so you decide to go to sleep

“What are you doing? You’re sleeping on the bed! What kind of host would I be to let you sleep on a flimsy matress on the floor?”

climbs into the bed after you “the bed is big enough, stop complaining”

you can’t escape his death grip

Mammon:

has probably claimed your bed as his already, given how often he sleeps over at yours

you want to change it up and sleep in his room this time, Mammon gets very bashful talking about how you can’t cause his room isn’t cleaned up, yeah no shit Mcs room isn’t clean either due to certain demons hogging their room and leaving their crap everywhere

anyway, you two make yourselves comfortable on the two sofas in his room, a sofa for each to have more space for yourselves and also because Mammon is embarrassed, not that he would admit...

you watch some movies, probably of the genre action, and eat some delivery pizza, Mammon even pays!

you fall asleep on your sofa midway through the 4th movie, you wanted to go to sleep, but Mammon roped you in for another one, cause he thought you two could last a little longer...yeah neither of you could...

anyway after some time Mammon wakes up, his back hurts from sleeping on the sofa and he is about to start complaining, when he notices you’re still asleep on the other sofa, so he decides to just shift into a more comfortable position

he ends up watching some more TV, sadly for him the only things that get sended this late are horror movies, scared from just watching about half an hour, he turns the TV off and shifts in his seat restlessly

the great Mammon isn’t scared and he isn’t seeking your comfort, neither is he worried about his the human, but he ends up laying you down in his bed anyway, with him half sitting on the floor and half laying on the bed to give you some space, his hand holds yours while he falls asleep again, more at ease being close to you, he forgets about the horror movie he just saw

Leviathan:

sleepover? Did you mean your regular all nighter with games and anime? Yeah it's nothing new for this pair, that doesn't mean that Levi is  n’tvery happy about you suggesting it this time

he actually plans out the whole night, "finish this game until then, so we have enough time for these new anime episodes coming out this night, OH! And we can't forget this game... Hmm maybe if we put it here?”

Has a very tight schedule, because he wants to make the best out of his time with you

" Arrhhg!!! No you can't do that Mc! If you keep playing this bad we'll never finish this game in time!" he complains but ends up feeling really bad right afterwards and apologizes repeatedly

you suggest to just play for fun and forget the schedule after all this isn't the last night you two can spend together

Levi.exe has stopped responding

 you want to spend more time with him even though all he did today was complain? Are you an angel Mc? Or just mentally insane?

you keep playing late into the morning actually having a lot of fun, laughing a bit too loud and getting scolded by Satan who just wants to read his book in silence so SHUT THE FUCK UP, thank you.

"ah Mc! Watch out! Someone's attacking from behind you... Oh? Did you fall asleep? It's already late for you huh? What a normie falling asleep at 6 am..."

he is a bit overwhelmed by the situation and doesn't really know what to do with you now, you fell asleep in a beanbag in his room but it probably isn't comfortable enough to sleep on for long, but to get you into his bed bathtub he has to either carry you or wake you up, keeps mumbling to himself for a while gathering courage and lastly carrys you into his surprisingly very comfortable tub as it is big and layed out with blankets and pillows, he is a blushing mess by the time he is finished

he isn't tired yet so he goes back to playing, but he turns down the volume as to not wake you

Satan:

you probably spend a lot of time in each other's rooms already, mostly in his due to his brother's constantly appearing in your room, so when you ask to have a sleep over the only thing that changes is that you actually plan to sleep there this time and not just accidentally fall asleep

Satan texts you the whole day asking you about things you want to do or not want to do, so he can get the right things, considers you equally involved in the preparations as him, so your opinion isvery important to him

you end up deciding on a few books you'd like to read and make yourself comfortable together

Satan isn't used to much physical attention but he pulls you next to him on his bed nonetheless, it is easier to read like that

you take turns in loudly reading a passage of the current book

the atmosphere is very relaxed, you laying comfortably in bed, some tea (or cold bevarage of your choosing) and some dimmed lights only there so you can see the letters on the pages

as much Satan enjoys this reading session with you, the situation also relaxes him so much that he falls asleep midway through your reading part, all you notice is that his head suddenly drops on your shoulder leaving him in an uncomfortable looking position

you put a marker in the book and put it away for later, before carefully lowering Satan and yourself in a comfortable sleeping position and pulling the blanket over the two of you

content you fall asleep next to him, in his sleep Satan pulls you closer, carefully holding you

when he wakes up a bit later that night he is embarrassed about being so close and swiftly pulls away accidentally waking you up, you're still half asleep not entirely grasping the situation and just pull him back closer seeking warmth and fall asleep again, leaving Satan a blushing mess that slowly calms down and falls asleep again

Asmodeus:

a sleep over? Did you mean sex and sleep cuddles? No? Oh well, but tell him if you change your mind

what do you mean staying awake for long? Do you think his beauty is natural? I mean yeah it is, but he also has to take care of himself

agrees to let you spend some time with him before going to bed, because how could he deny you his beauty?

he insists on doing his normal skin care routine and if you want or not he's going to do the same to you “stop running away from me, I can't see much with this face mask on! But you will catch me if I fall while chasing after you, right?"

"How could you betray me? I fell on my perfect booty because of you" he actually starts crying after having fallen over some clothes

stressed Mc noises while crouching down next to him, apologizing and trying to calm him down

it's a trap

he pulls you into a hug letting himself fall onto the floor, caging you in with his limbs, there is no escape, he might look lithe but he's still a demon and with that very strong

"fine. I'll leave you alone, but don't complain later if your skin isn't as smooth as mine... Oh? But I won't let you free from my embrace, because this is the payment for making me fall and not catching me"

true to his words he doesn't let you go, he carrys you to his bed, takes his mask off with one hand, and makes himself comfortable in bed, laying down half on you to keep you from running away and because Asmo just wants your love and affection so your better cuddle back

Beelzebub:

sleepover? Can we order food? Already dials the number of all restaurants that have delivery

it's actually a very spontaneous sleep over, you just haven't been able to see each other much lately due to school related things and because Beel had a lot of training for his upcoming Fangol match, so you missed him and asked if you two could have a sleep over, Beel was overjoyed and instantly bear hugged you

just chilling on his bed eating food and talking about the day

don't worry Beel the vacuum will take care of any crumbs that fall onto the bed and might be uncomfortable to sleep on

after finishing a year worth of food, you clean up the packages and dishes and bring out the garbage

"you can take the bed, I don't mind sleeping on the sofa" Beel is an adorable gentleman who just wants to keep you comfortable all the time, even though he would love to cuddle you

if you insist he will sleep in the bed with you, but will be a bit nervous, so he keeps a small distance between you two, if you want cuddles then the best option will be to just take the lead and bring him in a position of your choice, it's not like he doesn't want to cuddle he just doesn't want to hurt you

once he falls asleep he will hold you contently and share all his warmth with you

a heads up: maybe take a shower in the morning, I bet Beel will dream of food and might drool on you

Belphegor:

ah yes sure we can have a sleep over

you expect him to stay awake? Really? The Avatar of Sloth himself is supposed to be awake? You're asking a lot human....

after some back and forth with a few breaks, because Belphie fell asleep midway through the discussion, you end up deciding on doing something you both might enjoy... Though Belphie thought it is a bit childish at first

so you end up stealing all Blankets and pillows you can find, Beel gives his volunteeringly away for his friend and his brothers enjoyment... While others ,cough Lucifer cough, have to be a dick about it and not give you his blanket even though he never sleeps anyway

you build a blanket fort in the planetarium, Belphie tries to help here and there, but 1. he is sleepy and 2. he never build one before so he needs your help

after you finish building your very comfortable night shelter, Belphie almost instantly falls down on the pillows and spreads himself out

you join and cuddle up to him, making him grumble a bit as he now has to adjust his position again

the view from the planetarium is the second reason to why you chose this place, Belphie lazily points out to some stars and tells you about their names and meaning

after some time you fall asleep, "you make me stay awake, but fall asleep yourself?", Belphie obviously can't have his title of avatar of Sloth be stolen, so he accidentally wakes you up by nudging your side with his elbow "oh sorry, did I wake you? I'm really sorry, I just wanted to find a more comfortable position..."

like the little shit he is, he pulls you close and falls asleep before you even realize what just happend

Solomon:

oh? A sleep over with him? He didn't do that in ages... Actually I don't think he ever done it, at least not in the "hey you're my friend and I just want to spend some time with you" sense

anyway don't accept any of Solomons ideas! “We can cook-” NO “Oh okay take out it is, more time for the fun part I guess... So wanna do some magic pranks? I have some new spells I still have to test-” NO “Oh... Well your right it might be a bit dangerous. How about we visit some old friends of mine? I'm sure I'll get them to make a pact with me this time-” Solomon... NO!

I'm very sorry Solomon, but I'm sure Mc doesn't want to die just yet

so you meet at Purgatory hall, because there is no way the brothers will leave you two alone... For a "sleep over" uh huh sure they'd be watching you the whole time, no fun wouldn't recommend, so Purgatory hall it is, Simeon will agree to check in on you to calm Lucifer down

Solomons room is probably as much of a mess  as Satan's so the only place to sit will be his bed, "make yourself at home, just don't sit down on that book it's cursed... Oh and don't spill this potion... You're better off not knowing why..."

he will tease the hell out of you. Period. He has spend too much time with Asmo "visiting a man at this time in is room.. That's very dangerous... Someone less of a gentleman than me might take advantage of that, unless that is what you had planned wink wonk”

just hit him with a pillow

but he will hit back

pillow fight it is, but it wouldn't be Sol if it didn't contain magic, he plays unfair making a magic pillow wall around himself while throwing pillows at your defenseless self, when you surrender he will let down his wall and fall onto you laughing loudly and freely, which attracts Simon's attention who looks into the room and smiles gently at the two of you enjoying each others company

Solomon has a lot of fun with you and actually feels comfortable enough to laugh, which gives you an immense boost of pride making you want to keep him laughing, so you start telling him bad puns and jokes until both of you are wheezing and panting for air having laughed too much

as you calm down the exhaustion hits and you both agree to rest for today, Solomon slides under his blanket and holds the blanket up for you, you slide into his awaiting embrace and cuddle into him

he might use the new position to tickle you a bit, but not much as he doesn't want you to slip out of his embrace, you fall asleep tangled together

Simeon snaps a picture of you two, but don't worry it's really blurry cause it's technology and Simeon just can't handle it

Simeon:

a sleep over? That sounds nice, he definitely wants to spend some more calming time with you

seeks permission for you from Lucifer instantly, so you don't have to go through it

even goes as far as to pick you up from the house of lemantation and carry your bag, cause he is nice

will drop of your stuff and take you out grocery shopping then, how to better spend your time then with your favorite hobby? Simeon likes to cook so that is what you'll do

don't worry he will help you with everything you don't know, don't know how to cut this? Let me show you, cut to a cliché scene of him standing way to close behind you guiding your hand to correctly cut this.. Shadow bellpepper? I dunno

anyway you two end up having lots of fun while cooking and Simeon might take any chance to tease you, damn this closet sadist angel with way too tempting shoulders

the whole family enjoys your cooking, grandpa Solomon, mom Mc, Dad Simeon and dog child Luke

when you retire to bed, he tucks you (oh god this got autocorrected to fuck and I'm so glad I saw that before posting it) into bed and gives you a kiss on the forehead for good dreams, will then settle himself on the sofa, "are you trying to tempt an angel? As much as I'd like to cuddle... I don't think we should..."

will reluctantly join you in bed but turn his back to you and keep space between you, will tense up if you put your arms around his waist and  cuddle into his back... But will enjoy it after getting used to it, will tangle his fingers with yours and hold your arm around his waist

Luke:

he is the one to ask for a sleep over, because Simeon said he is only allowed to stay awake longer on special occasions and he is a big boi and wants to stay awake longer and spend more time with the adults, “so can you please come over? I'll even bake you a cake...”

so you bake a cake together.

it's really nice and you have fun, Luke is really confident and takes the lead, telling you what to do next

 Oh and occasionally you have to bring grandpa Solomon out of the kitchen, cause he is trying to help, but... Yeah, no.

you have to help Luke put the cake in and out of the stove, cause he almost burns himself and you just want to help, but Luke sulks a bit, don't give him headpats he's not a dog, just hug him and tell him you care about his well-being

the cake turns out great and you have it as a dessert after dinner with everyone, grandpa is sulking, cause he wasn't allowed to help but whatever he'll get over it

it's about the time where Luke normally goes to bed where he starts to get a bit drowsy, his answers in your conversation about everyday things, are getting shorter and he needs longer to find the right words, so you suggest going to bed, but Luke wants to stay up late...

He falls asleep 10 minutes later and you tuck him into bed, you try to leave but he keeps holding your hand, guess you'll have to stay

Simeon finds you two cuddled together later that evening, as he wanted to check in on you before going to sleep himself

Barbatos:

it's the very rare occasion of Diavolo leaving the castle for a business in the human world, and Barb has been left behind at the castle to upkeep the work there, luckily there is not much to do so Barb decides to invite you over for some rare alone time... Also because he feels a bit lonely after spending almost each day with a man-child

when you arrive at the castle, Barb is already waiting for you at the front gates with a basket "I hope you don't mind if we have our dinner outside? The weather is so nice today I thought we could eat in the castle garden"

night picnic with Barb.... Actually now that I think about it... Isn't it night all the time in Devildom?... Anyway night picnic

Barb has literally made a feast for you two, he is so used to cook in big portions you'll have 'some' rest food to bring back to Beel tomorrow

just relaxing in the garden on a fluffy blanket surrounded by magically glowing flowers and eating nice food with Barb while talking about anything that comes to mind

his inner butler kicks in after you're sated and he instantly stands up to clean, but you pull him back down to relax, he is a bit flustered as he finds himself on his back with his head resting in your lap, your hand softly stroking through his hair, but the embarrassment soon gets replaced by pure contentment as Barb calms down and let's you play with his hair

he falls asleep in your lap, but you don't mind and let him take a small nap

when he wakes up again about an hour later, he bashfully apologizes for falling asleep... "it has gotten a bit chilly, shall we go in now?"

butler Barb is a British gentleman and that's why I like him, so after he put all the food and plates back into the basket he shakes out the blanket and drapes it around your shoulders to keep you warm, you better be grateful and take him with you under the blanket!

he brings you to a room which is right next to his so you can find him quickly in case you need something

"you want to sleep in one room? Is that truly wise? I'm still a demon and there is only one bed in my room... You don't mind?.... Oh well if you insist..." he is not used to being close to people of any race, laying down his butler demeanor and being his casual self is still a bit hard to him, but you're patient and so he tries to relax with you

he keeps distance in bed, and asks you multiple times for your confirmation that this is really to your liking

you fall asleep quickly and Barb, not in a creepy way, watches you a bit trying to find any sign of discomfort, as he doesn't find any he takes a big breath and takes your hand again looking for discomfort, but he relaxes with a content smile as your grip tightens around his hand as well

 he falls asleep feeling very happy and as if he has achieved a big next step of getting closer to you

Diavolo:

slaps 'youthful fun 101' on your desk in rad "how do you do, fellow kid? Ready for some neat sleep over at my castle this weekend?"

...

yeah... Let's fucking go!

Sorry Barb

he wants to try everything you can do at a sleep over... He never had someone to do that with, so just be nice and make the best out of it

you start out easy, you need to have a base to return too and later rest so the dining room gets redecorated to a giant blanket fort, eveything is covered in blankets and pillows

with the base set it's time for some fun, Dia suggests to play some games so here you go playing... I dunno party games... Even roping Barb into a round of Poker.. Barb wins due to his pokerface....

after some games to set the mood, Dia is up for some rather surprising things, braiding each others hair, doing face masks even a manicure, this man wants it all and he is having so much fun don't ruin this for him

much to Barbs dismay Dia wants traditional sleep over food so pizza it is, Barb was at least able to convince him to make the pizza themselves so it is less unhealthy, so here you three are in the kitchen baking a messy pizza with all sorts of toppings, because Dia can't decide on just a few

Barb is starting to regret having bought this youth trends book for Dia

after eating a delicious pizza it is movie time with an excessive amount of snacks to choose from as if you're not already full from the pizza, so you two cuddle up in your blanket fort and watch some movies on a laptop, until late into the night, Barb has already retired to his room but only sleeps with one eye closed always ready to jump for the fire extinguisher

Dia has too much energy

how about hide and seek  at night, in the castle, in hell, with no one else knowing about it, you hide in the kitchen almost scaring Barb to death when he enters to get a glass of water, he drags you out of the kitchen and exclaims the kitchen to be a restricted area

stop scaring Barb he almost kicked you, cause he thought you're a rat

what’s better at 3 am then having a 2-man full out blown karaoke party, waking everyone in the castle up

only positive thing for Barb: you sing until your voices are hoarse so you can't scream at him anymore

with the last energy you two have, you decide to top this very successful and entertaining sleep over with a pillow fight, messing up your blanket fortress

you fall asleep cuddled together under a half collapsing blanket fort, but don't worry Dia is shielding your body so nothing is going to suffocate you

Barb wants to retire... But he's also happy for his lord that he had such a great time

[fairymascot]

when i started watching harley quinn TV, about the last thing i expected of it was to be feminist in any way. i mean, it's an adult comedy cartoon. it's based on 2016 suicide squad's take on harley. the poor woman doesn't even wear any pants. but man, the more i think about it, and the more i consume other dc content featuring those characters, the more appreciative i am of its takes on its female cast.

let's talk about ivy. i watched the btas episode 'house and garden' today, and was honestly appalled by how blatantly male it all felt. in this episode, ivy 'rehabitilates' herself by getting released from arkham, marrying her therapist (which nobody even pointed out is illegal?!), taking care of his two kids from a previous marriage, and basically living the perfect suburban housewife dream. when batman suspects she's up to some shit, she tells him she's never been happier, and no longer has any need for crime. of course it turns out to be an elaborate ruse, but the ending reveals that she wasn't completely insincere -- she does, in fact, dream of having a husband and children, something she cannot accomplish due to the infertility caused by her powers.

unfortunately, this episode must have had a serious impact on ivy's characterization, as the book 'cycle of life and death' from 2016 is heavily founded on it. in my humble opinion, it's terrible. i mean, i get it, it was the nineties and written by men, and tv writers only really started picking up on how to write women as complex multilayered beings in recent years, but damn.

ivy's original character is already rooted in a very male, distorted perception of women. she's a textbook femme fatale-- she's dainty, gorgeous, scantily clad, and her powers are seducing men into doing her bidding. and to pile further on top of her misogynistic foundation, the only way they could think to humanize her is by forcing more of their stereotypical male perception onto her-- how do we show she's a sympathetic character? by making her deep down a 'normal woman', who has normal woman dreams of being a housewife with children. the rather blatant subtext that she turned to a life of villainy because her infertility denied her that dream -- a failed woman that has turned into a despicable monster -- only makes this depiction all the uglier. i'm actually amazed this take on her character managed to survive all the way to 2016.

but then you have hqtv ivy, who takes all that and unceremoniously dumps it in the trash. it rethinks the basics of ivy's personality and attitude from the ground up. she's a misanthrope -- the only company she seeks outside of her plants is harley -- why would she make a villain career out of seducing men? why does she have to be sensual and coy? no. instead, she's awkward, stoic, and anti social. she dresses a whole hell of a lot more practical, she's blunt to a fault, and wastes none of her time trying to appeal to men.

the sexual element of her powers has been removed, or at the very least severely limited-- no more poison kisses or seducing men to do her bidding. the only scene that incorporates that element at all is when she has to peck a bunch of dweeby 12 year old boys on the mouth to reverse the effect of her toxin that's been slipped into their bar mitzvah punch bowl by mistake. it's ridiculous, it's absolutely mortifying for her, and it's funny. nothing about it is remotely sexy.

as for her dreams of becoming a housewife... well, ivy very clearly doesn't know what she wants for her future. or rather, she's so repressed that she doesn't allow herself to want. she always saw herself ecoterroristing it up solo-- but then harley happened, and she found herself going soft, and opening up to other people through harley's influence as well. she allows herself to acknowledge that she's lonely, and that she does crave human connection. specifically, she craves harley -- but that's a part of her she had to seal away, out of fear of ruining their friendship. this leads her to pursue a relationship with kite man (or rather: be pursued by him), even though at every step of the way she pretty obviously has to force herself farther into it.

it's not that she doesn't like kite man. the opposite. she can tell he's a good guy, he treats her so well, he cares for her so deeply. for someone like ivy, coming from a life of abuse and isolation, that's rarer than rare. and that's why she forces herself to overlook all their differences, all the aspects of their relationship that clearly aren't working, and clings on to it regardless. finally, someone genuinely wants her, cares about her. she'd have to be stupid to let that go, right?

but she doesn't want it. that's spelled out the most blatantly on their wedding day-- while he's reciting his dream future of them living in a nice house with a white picket fence, a dog and three kids, ivy is horrified. unlike btas' ivy, who would've surely been delighted, it's completely removed from anything this version of ivy ever wanted for herself. and in that moment, she realizes she fucked up. she locked herself into a life she never wanted because she thought it was the best she could hope to get.

and then their wedding goes up in literal flames, kite man calls it quits, and ivy finally lets herself pursue what she really, truly wants: harley.

it's such a great, fresh take on ivy's character. she's written as a woman, but not some male writer's narrow view of one, but an actual honest, human woman. her struggles and insecurities are incredibly relatable to me as a female viewer, because she's allowed to breathe and grow and have depth outside of the list of stereotypes female characters are so often shoehorned into. she's aloof, she's cynical, she's a loner; she's carrying years of trauma that's made her insecure and closed off, and she's just starting to grow past that; she's desperate for love but forces herself to settle for tepid affection because she's too scared to pursue anything more; she's a genius biochemist and a badass with the power to control all of plant life, but she's fucking chickenshit and wishy-washy and doesn't know how to be honest with her feelings, leading her to hurt those she cares about. and the fact that they took btas' ivy's dream of getting married and having a family, and used it as a stepping stone-- subverted it as part of ivy's self-realization and growth-- that's just the icing on the cake.

hqtv ivy is hands down the best take of this character i've seen to date. god bless, i cannot wait for season 3.

[etheriadearie]

“Promise”

Why can't you just… Promise ?

Today's goal is an in-depth look at one of the most beautiful and breathtaking episodes of She-ra: "Promise"

Storywise, it's incredibly important to the series, and focuses entirely on Catradora. It's the first time since Adora left Catra behind to seek out the sword that the girls really have an opportunity to talk, and things are not going well. Both of them are royally pissed off at the other, with good reason.

For Adora, we're gonna deflate that proud hair poof of hers a bit, as we'll take an honest look at her as a person at this point in her life. And Catra... she's really guarding her feelings closely, as she's already deeply angry with Adora. But we will use the combination of Catra's younger self in the memories they see, plus looking at other times in the series that relate to this episode, where she was less guarded, in order to understand her as a person at this time. Also: warning: tl;dr, best enjoyed while cozy with a drink..

To get started, we skip to when they end up stuck together…

After Adora takes drastic measures to ward off the security spiders by collapsing the tunnel, the girls are now stuck together, and so… they talk...

We immediately see how incredibly irritated they are with each other as Adora chides Catra for being in the Crystal Castle, since the monsters will continue to attack them as long as she's protecting Catra… only to have Catra retort that she didn't ask for protection. Some snippy bickering back and forth happens, then...

Adora asks: "Does Shadow Weaver know you're here?" Very deadpan assertion from Adora. She knows Catra must be disobeying orders, she just doesn't know why.

"I'd say Shadow Weaver has bigger problems right now". Catra is already starting her move against SW back at the Horde. With SW abusively blocking her every move within the Horde, and now that Catra knows that SW was going to mind wipe Adora, Catra has decided she must deal with her abuser.

Adora puts on her telltale sideways grin, and Catra chafes at Adora's flirtation, saying "I told you it's not because I like you” downplaying Adora’s suggestion that this was the reason she let her go. Catra freely admits here that she does like Adora, but it's not the real reason she did it. Still, Catra doesn't explain further, and we see later that Catra often lets Adora explain away her actions this way... but that Adora constantly misses the deeper truths.

"Where are your new best friends? I thought you did everything together". She's very snarky and dismissive of Adora and her flirting. She's mad about Adora leaving her for her new life.

"The ones you let SW imprison and curse?" Adora is angry at Catra for what she did, which was a sudden escalation of things by Catra.

"Yeah obviously, what other friends would I be talking about?" An obvious dig at Adora for leaving her, everything behind. She deadpans this, staring back plainly. Catra is obviously really angry at Adora... while Adora is legitimately mad at Catra for doing something so nasty to Bow and Glimmer...

::Let's take a moment to talk about Catra's feelings about Adora's new friends: Catra feels horribly betrayed by this. Adora completely tossed her aside, and replaced her with Bow and Glimmer. What comes to mind is at the end of Sea Gate, Catra is thrown in the water and then looks up at Adora, who is celebrating and cuddling with Bow and Glimmer. Catra is emotionally forlorn watching this, as Scorpia comes to drag her off to safety, Adora doesn't even look back towards her.

She's forgotten, Adora showed no love towards her at all in that scene (and then hardly any at Princess Prom, either). Adora ignored her plea for her to return, she didn't reach out to Catra at all. And now she watches her cuddle with her new friends: everything Catra thought she had with Adora meant nothing, and she's been replaced with these feel goodie goods who are fawning all over Adora.

Suffice to say, Catra couldn't do this, she's got way too many issues with emotional intimacy and touch aversion. So she watches Adora, seeing that what she offered her wasn't good enough, knowing because of it she's forgotten. Catra was trying really hard to be a close friend to Adora in spite of her issues, but as we will see, Adora wasn't trying to understand what was going on with Catra. And because of this, Catra was too afraid to express her affection openly, and yet here's Adora... accepting all of Bow and Glimmer’s love, for which Adora really did nothing to earn. Adora took Catra’s friendship for granted while ignoring her deeper needs, as will be explained, then completely abandons her, not even seeming to miss her. Catra is deeply hurt by the unfairness of this.

>Catra stares back at Adora, frustrated when she doesn't even acknowledge their lost friendship.

"Well, we don't need to go together. You do your weird little magic quest thing I'll find my own way out". Catra looks resentfully at the sword on Adora's back as she says this. Catra is laying down boundaries, except it's useless since they are trapped together. But, boundaries are important to Catra and as the episode progresses, Adora shows that she doesn't really understand Catra's.

>As they walk along, both girls' shadows loom equally tall. The symbolism is that in this story, both are equally important... it's also a shockingly beautiful sequence. (pic above)

After entering the room of infinite darkness, Catra tries to separate from Adora but the door is gone, they are stuck together. Weird things start happening. As the Fright Zone appears, both of them are confused. Adora decides to suspect Catra, after all, she attacked her friends. But as Adora grabs Catra, Catra is surprised and confused... Catra doesn't like being touched unexpectedly, Adora knows this but is ignoring that and attacking her. She gets treated as an enemy when she clearly hasn't done anything wrong, and it sets the tone for the two of them: Adora has constantly treated Catra as an enemy since the very moment she defected, not even trying to understand Catra's point of view. And so Catra increasingly emotionally distances herself from Adora. Catra angrily casts Adora's arm aside, not liking being vilified by her, and Adora doesn't understand why Catra is so upset. Catra slips away to explore, needing space from her.

The way Adora immediately suspects and then attacks Catra is symbolic to the whole episode: by defecting to the Rebellion, Adora chose to start treating Catra, and her entire unit, as enemies, backing it up with hostility. But Catra doesn't really agree that the horde is evil... in her experience, it's just how life is.

>The two girls, now separated, call out to each other. Adora hears Catra's call, then another: young Catra is behind her, looking lost and insecure. Catra joins Adora as their first memory has just begun…

~DISCLAIMER TIME~ A lot of information in She-ra is inferred by emotional context, so if this seems a bit head-canon-y, I assure you, I have data! Please ask questions and seek clarifications, I promise to answer back! ~EtheriaDearie

>A worried and hurt young Catra runs to young Adora's side. She is emotional and needs support. Adora checks her out then gets the real deal: Catra was in a fight with an adult. It hints that Catra always had to deal with people messing with her, even before SW began her abuse. This is a guess, but it's probable: this is likely a happy memory of the two of them right before the hurting began. Along with the "promise" memory and the moments immediately preceding their entering the Black Garnet chamber, these scenes set the baseline for what their friendship was like before Catra suffered SW’s abuse. Also, this memory is a happy one, and how Adora remembers their friendship: it was likely triggered by her memories. The next ones are not, as I believe they are triggered by Catra, who is trying to explain to Adora what was so painful about their childhood...

>Catra doesn't know what to expect when she shows Octavia to Adora. She probably expects Adora to try to apologize on her behalf, or to give her a hard time about what she did. Instead, Adora sticks with her friend and yells “Hey Octavia, you're a dumbface." This brings young Catra much joy, Adora is sticking with her, not passing judgement. The two young girls run together hand in hand, experiencing childhood bliss, but it doesn't last. The present versions of themselves return, holding hands...

They share a brief moment of connection before Catra pulls her hand away in anger. Adora is surprised at the strength of Catra’s reaction. They are not on intimate terms any more, in fact, I suspect they had been struggling for a while before Adora's defection. Adora doesn't want the moment to stop, but Catra does. It hints that the gulf between them is already wide.

"How can you deal with all this magic stuff?" Catra has a deep distrust of magic, as it was used in her abuse. She resents it, and throughout the series whenever anything magic happens that she doesn't see coming she gets creeped out.

"I'm only dealing with it because I need to figure out how to heal Glimmer after someone got her cursed." It's a valid criticism, but Catra deflects it.

"What do you want? An apology? You're not getting one." We don't get the full story on this moment until season 5 when a young Catra tells Adora she'll "never say sorry to anybody, ever." Adora doesn't like Catra just refusing to explain, and as Catra pushes her away, Catra is full of reproach at Adora's judgement.

::As an abused child, Catra was continuously vilified and abused by everyone but Adora. And when Adora would suggest she apologize throughout their lives, she can't understand why Catra won't. It comes down to literally everyone in the world judging Catra and being cruel. Not once did any of them apologize to her, even though she didn't do anything to deserve the abuse. Except Adora... but that has issues, too. In fact, SW literally tells her "I won't apologize" regarding her abuse of Catra. Can you imagine the hurt at that?

[pic caption: Catra refuses to apologize, Catra often shows her deeper emotions while blinking, in this case: the incredible pain she experienced from SW’s abuse.]

So no, Catra won't apologize, she had a thing she was trying to do by kidnapping Bow and Glimmer and taking her sword, and it ended badly. But she felt she had a good reason to do it: she wanted to force Adora to see her, to make her acknowledge how big of a part of Adora’s life Catra used to be. And it's not like anyone has been helping Catra, she's had to make every single decision on her own her entire life and live with the consequences.

Also, mistakes for Catra have an entirely different meaning than they do for Adora. Whenever Adora made a mistake, she was given an opportunity to fix it. This is a theme of their relationship: Adora expects Catra to let her fix her mistakes. But for Catra, she learned that any mistake she made was dangerous, as when she did make a mistake, SW would torture her for it. And if other people saw it too, they'd use it to perpetuate the notion that she's some kind of no good fuck up. So Catra is extremely careful to not make mistakes, and if she does, she tries to cover it up, distance herself from it. (note: this isn't the same as Catra's intentional rebellions against this system where she was unfairly targeted for abuse-). This is why Catra simply cannot forgive Adora easily for breaking her promise: in Catra's world, she had to be perfect, or she could have been dead by SW's hand. She wasn't allowed to make mistakes like Adora is, she is what is clinically known as 'hyper vigilant' and always preparing for the worst. And so she applies this standard to be perfect all the time to Adora, and therefore she won't give Adora the same license to make mistakes with their friendship. Catra thinks Adora should know better, and see the consequences of her actions.

>Adora lets it go: when Catra seems to shut down, Adora does her best to try to accept her. Adora tries a different track. She asks Catra why she let her and Glimmer go when SW had them imprisoned, when it could have resulted in Catra getting in trouble. Catra walks ahead, trying to distance herself from having to answer. But the magic of the Crystal Castle intervenes: as Adora slips and begins to fall, Catra saves her. It's a symbolic moment: Catra has always tried to protect Adora, to save her from pain. It's why she changed course to give the sword back to her, partly.

"Did you really think I'd just let SW erase your memory like that?"

"I don't know. Probably." Adora shows such little understanding of their friendship. It shows Adora really is thinking of Catra as an enemy, not as the complicated person stuck between protecting her friend, and the cruel necessities of her life.

Catra looks at Adora with disappointment. "Yeah, well, you never did have too much faith in me." Adora tries to understand Catra's emotions, fails.

"Huh, can you blame me?" Ouch. Adora smiles at Catra, trying to show love for her roguish quirks. But it just shows how little Adora understands: she is repeating a negative stereotype of Catra that everyone in their old life believes and perpetuates. And Adora should know better, instead of just assuming the worst about her. That persona is one which Catra uses to protect herself, partly from her own emotional feelings, but also as a necessity to protect herself from SW. She had to act like she doesn't care, doesn't try, so SW wouldn't see her power.

"Psh, not really." As Catra turns away, again she deadpans this but you can see pain and disappointment leaking past her indifference.

As she walks away she trails her tail across Adora's hand, flirting and drawing Adora's attention to her butt. It's a cute little moment of telling a truth to counter the lie: 'Adora, you should know me better, and also, I like you.' Still, it's only a half truth: Catra couldn't let SW win because SW is Catra's true enemy. But, Adora takes the flirtatious hint, as always. She accepts it and doesn't dig deeper.

Catra asks Adora about their childhood, trying to understand how Adora could just throw it all away. Adora gives a very direct and impassioned speech, she looks Catra in the eyes, trying to convince her and make her understand why leaving was the right thing to do. Catra hides her emotions, weighing Adora's answer. She doesn't agree with her sentiment, in Catra's experience good and evil are relative and exist as such everywhere. Also, she's right: we meet many people in the Horde who aren't evil. And Adora's finding the sword is one giant sinister manipulation by Light Hope. Moral grayness is a constant theme in this show. Still, this isn't really why Catra chooses to stay with the Horde.

Adora sees her explanation failing to convince Catra, so she tries reminding Catra of their deeper friendship, telling her she misses her too. Catra is temporarily taken aback at being called out before remembering to deny it. She tells Adora to get over herself, and Adora tells her she won't stop until Catra says she likes her. They flirtatiously rough house, and Catra smiles during it: yeah, she does. But she denies it anyways.

::Adora often tries to be respectful of Catra's personal space but is making an exception here: she's telling her that she finds her desirable, and if Catra wanted it, they could be together. Adora can't understand why Catra feels the need to resist this, but she knows doing it helps her friend feel wanted. Still, this shows how casually Adora views their attraction.

Yes, they should be together. And actually, they had an unspoken agreement that they would be. But Catra's not going to open herself up to that just to serve her desire. She wants more from Adora, for Adora to show her that she really does see her, and cares about her. If she did, maybe Catra could open up about some of her pain. Being intimate without doing that would be impossible, and so far Catra's life still isn't safe enough to risk her feelings. Adora's promotion could have meant the beginning of something new between them, where they worked together to build a more secure future together where Catra didn't have to be fearful all the time. But instead, Adora left her.

So begins the second memory. The two girls, now teenagers, compete against each other in sparring. It's clear they are flirting, and neither is fighting all out. When Catra taunts Adora by putting her finger to her forehead, she shows how much better she is at fighting. She full heartedly laughs, Adora enjoys this and then throws a purposefully weak strike to restart the fight. When Adora seemingly turns the tables through brute force, Catra plays hurt to exploit Adora's naiveness. As Adora tries to show concern, Catra turns the tables back. She wants to teach Adora a lesson: that not everyone will play fair, as Catra knows all too well from SW's abuse. But Lonnie interrupts her. Catra doesn't appreciate this and makes quick work of Lonnie, showing just how good she is. Adora attacks, getting the predetermined win. Catra doesn't enjoy the beat down but accepts Adora's help up. She heads to Lonnie as Adora receives compliments from their commander.

As Catra confronts Lonnie, she tells Catra "you were playing dirty, I was just leveling the field". Catra will hear these words again when she leaves Adora behind in frustration near the end of the episode. They are significant: these are stereotypical views forced on Catra, and those views ignore that Catra was just doing something she felt was important: teaching Adora about the harsh realities that exist in the world. Real enemies don't play by the rules, and will be unpredictable.

As Catra’s anger rises at this, Adora puts her hand on Catra's shoulder to calm her down, then compliments Catra on her fighting skills. Catra ever so casually tosses the comforting hand aside. She's saying 'I can handle my emotions without your help, but thanks for asking.' As she tells Adora she let her win, Adora tries to tell if Catra really is ok.

Thus starts one of cutest exchanges between the two of them: as Catra tries to explain why she lets Adora win, Adora puts on her sideways 'you like me' grin while she playfully denies that Catra let her win. Catra gives a very animated and obviously made up explanation about not wanting to have people expect things from her. Adora grins along, and halfway through her lie Catra leans in, staring at Adora's lips before looking up into her eyes. Once again, Catra is undoing a lie by telling a truth: she let her win because she likes (loves) her. But it's only a half truth, once again...

Adora accepts the explanation, keeping her sideways grin: 'it's so cute how you like me'. Catra's explanation done, Adora moves on, wanting to catch up with their unit. Catra lets her do so while excusing herself. As Adora leaves, a huge amount of meaningful information passes across Catra's face…

First, Catra feels bad about having to lie to Adora, and it shows. Then, as Adora leaves to socialize, disappointment and rejection shows: Catra had hoped Adora might look deeper, and try to see the deeper truth. As Adora turns away and leaves we see a look of total love and adoration on Catra's face. She really, really loves Adora. She's the light of her life, a real idiot no doubt but Catra will always love her for exactly who she is.

The girls remain their younger selves as the rest of the memory plays out, Adora staying to accept praise while Catra separates to deal with her internal feelings which Adora always fails to see: the hurt and aloneness she feels.

>A frustrated young Catra cries, expressing her repressed emotions. It would be easiest to assume she cries because she's sad about losing, but we have to look ahead to the next memory to find the real truth.

Catra is sad because she never had a choice. SW took that choice from her, and while Catra is happy to let Adora win because of the love she feels for her, it hurts that she never really got to decide. And Adora doesn't see that, doesn't see the pain Catra is bearing, hiding. And so she cries for that, too. The one person who should love her doesn't really see her. As she looks up in the mirror to see herself, since no one else in her life seems to see her pain, she sees her present tearful self looking back. The pain of the past is real in the present, and while she's older now and won't let herself give in to tears, she feels the pain as she did back then. (pic 1, below) She sees the tears and it snaps her back to her present self, totally unnerved by the simulation as the security detects her and attacks. A fearful Catra screams, wanting help, wanting Adora.

>Adora snaps back to herself, having been participating in the replay of the memory post Catra excusing herself. She tries to run to help Catra, full of worry. She sees a terrified Catra trapped by the spider. As the spider begins to drag her away the two girls lock arms, trying to free Catra. But it's too strong, and as we see their grip start to slip, Catra looks to Adora wanting, pleading for help. As Catra is pulled away, Adora feels helpless, knowing she couldn't help her friend. She thumps her head in frustration that she wasn't there for Catra.

The scene speaks to an obvious truth: Adora has never quite been there enough for Catra. She's always less present, less aware of Catra's reality than she could have been. But since Catra was experiencing a painful memory when this happened, her reaction shows her vulnerable emotional state, and so she called out for help: Catra just wants to feel safe, for Adora to be there to help her. But she wasn't.

>As Catra is dragged away, she feels helpless, and calls out mournfully for Adora. But she's long gone; Catra is alone and scared, as usual. She screams out her frustration, the realization that she’s never gotten the help she needed, she always ends up alone. She cries tears for the suffering and anguish she feels from that. (pic 2, below) It’s a moment that shows us the real inner Catra: She feels deeply, whether it be her desire to be seen, loved by Adora, or the fear she feels in this moment and others. She tries her best to act confident in herself, but it's a lie: she needs support, yet is left behind by everyone, including Adora. She was willing to bear her pain for Adora's love, but she has become increasingly aware of how tenuous that really was growing up.

>Catra digs deep, like she's always done. She will handle this, won't take the abuse lying down. She shifts her mentality to being the survivor, the person who has survived years of abuse. She frees herself and gets to her feet, accessing her foe, determined to defeat it. She attacks, using her anger to deal damaging blows, seeking to destroy her enemy, to make sure she survives. She stands back, confident she's won, proud of herself for it. She doesn't quit, she always perseveres against those who want to destroy her. (pic 3)

Adora shows up, finishing the monster. Catra doesn't drop her mentality, this person who has lived a separate life from Adora and survived on her own, doing the hard things like winning fights and resisting Shadow Weaver's abuse.

Adora walks forward, seeing Catra's anger, determination. She looks blankly, trying not to upset Catra. She's trying to get a read on Catra but not having any luck, so she's being cautious. She asks if Catra is ok, casually pulling webbing off Catra's shoulder, trying to exist in her physical space without upsetting Catra further. "I had it" says Catra, not dropping her fighter stance, mentality at all. Catra is very much feeling the aloneness of her life from everyone, including Adora.

Adora tries to casually put aside Catra's assertion that she had it, she smiles diplomatically. She tries again to touch Catra, to break down her animosity and get her to calm down. It doesn't work. "We need to make sure we stick together from now on." As Adora touches Catra, she tenses, uncomfortable. Catra has strong touch aversion, and Adora knows this but she also knows doing it sometimes helps Catra shift her mentality, so she's trying to get Catra to connect emotionally, to get her to accept care.

"Will you stop telling me what to do?" An exasperated Catra says. We see a look of total dismay cross Adora's face. She's not understanding why Catra has so much animosity in this moment. (pic below)

As Adora looks at Catra, she hunches her body, looking misunderstood and isolated. Adora has consistently failed to see Catra's emotional states and so Catra is feeling more and more apart; that the mentality of the survivor she's feeling now is the right one. Adora didn't really help her at all growing up, and she doesn't see her for who she really is, either. Adora always took the easy explanation, like saying that Catra did things for her because she liked her. Never looking deeper, trying to see her struggle. And so Catra doesn't drop her combative pose, she stays in it because she feels in control, less vulnerable.

As for the words "stop telling me what to do", that's an essay in itself but consider: just now Adora became frustrated when she lost Catra, and now tells her they need to stay together. But they didn't, they never did, and even when they are together Adora is no real help to Catra. So she reacts in anger to Adora trying to direct her. After all, in the next scene we will see that Adora leads Catra into danger, and then doesn't really help her as she gets abused. Adora is no great leader, not according to Catra's experience.

::Adora is having a total loss, here, as she tries to understand Catra, why she's angry at her: It's because she has never really known this 'survivor' side of Catra. Adora wants to comfort her and calm her down, but Catra isn't having it. I think this is when we first see Adora begin to realize that there is something is very wrong with her friend that she has completely failed to see, and she's deeply worried by it. (pic 2)

[pic cation: Adora can't read Catra's emotions, Adora realizes Catra is deeply angry. Outside SW’s chamber, Adora wants to take Catra’s hand.]

Adora loves Catra, but can't seem to get through to her: Catra is holding herself apart from Adora. Again, Catra pushes Adora's hand aside, frustrated. She expresses her exasperation at the situation, saying she's sick of what's going on. Adora follows along, confused. As Catra seemingly purposefully leaves her behind, Adora demands to know what Catra's problem is, saying that she was trying to save her. Catra looks down at her confrontationally, frustrated with Adora's lack of vision. "For the last time, I don't need you to save me. I've been doing just fine on my own. No thanks to you." Uh oh.

The words "no thanks to you" are especially cutting. Adora has totally failed to see the struggles Catra had all her life, she didn't understand the hurt and abuse Catra was fighting against. And so Catra did it all on her own, protecting herself and trying to remain strong. Her love of Adora might have helped her have hope, but fundamentally Catra overcame the abuse by not giving up on herself, believing she had worth, and not letting others tear her down.

Adora runs to Catra's side, taking her arm in one hand. Feeling her friend becoming increasingly distant from her, Adora tries authentically telling Catra her feelings, hoping to make her friend see her desire to help and understand her. Adora explains that she's sorry for leaving and that she did it because she couldn't stand the war the Horde has pursued. Her next words are telling: "but I never wanted to leave you". 'Want' is an important word in this series, and it comes up again in season 5 when Catra asks Adora "what do you want, Adora?”. By choosing to leave the Horde, Catra feels that Adora wanted that more than she wanted what they had together. Also, promises are not something you're supposed to break over a 'want'. And Adora so casually breaking their promises makes Catra think she doesn't matter to Adora. It's not the truth, but this belief still determines her reaction in this moment. Even though Adora dearly loves Catra, including at this point in the story, she hasn't shown it in a way that Catra can see as meaningful. As Adora finishes saying this, Catra looks back, feeling alone and unwanted, seemingly thinking 'but you did leave me, Adora.'

Adora tries to appeal to Catra to join the rebellion with her. Then she says "I know you're not a bad person, Catra. You don't belong with the Horde." Catra must be thinking 'Ok so at what point did you become the authority on whether someone is good or bad, Adora?' Adora has shown no interest in understanding Catra's position, she treated her as an enemy without fail since she left her, literally in every single case including at Princess Prom when Catra was trying so hard to romance her. And Catra doesn't accept Adora's naive black and white view of the world. Think about it: when Adora defects she begins treating all Horde with hostility, including her dearest friend, she judges them all and doesn’t even try to see them as the complicated people that they are. So when she suggests Catra doesn't belong with the Horde, Catra looks back at her, feeling totally isolated from Adora. Even though Adora's plea is earnest, Catra declines it.

>As the next memory begins, we see Adora now has both hands on Catra's arm, she's desperately trying to hold on to her bond with Catra and show her desire to fix things between them. Catra doesn't drop her wary demeanor at all, and Adora looks lost and anxious over this as a young Catra runs by.

The memory starts out full of childhood innocence as the two of them play together. When the girls see that the Black Garnet chamber is open, young Adora remarks "we're definitely not allowed in there." Young Catra looks at Adora, seemingly asking if she wants to go in, trusting her. Young Adora runs off, and Catra follows her in. Yes, Catra participates in the decision, but she's not the one who runs towards the chamber, and that's important to what happens next.

A worried (adult) Adora looks to her friend who seems so distant, stoic. Anxiously, Adora tells Catra "You don't have to go in there." Adora knows what happens next is very bad, that this is a hurtful memory for Catra. As an unwavering Catra begins to walk towards the chamber, Adora looks down at Catra's hand. [pic above] She wants desperately to reach out and take it, to hold Catra back from this terrible moment, to tell her she's sorry for messing up. Adora knows now that she screwed up, that she's let Catra down, somehow more than she ever realized. She doesn't know what to do about it… she follows Catra inside.

The young girls explore, Catra touches the black garnet and gets shocked. Adora has second thoughts, she realizes they're trespassing.. but of course, SW returns, so they try to hide. As SW takes off the mask, Adora cries out, taken aback... young Catra looks at her in dismay. She's about to pay for Adora's mistake with a lifetime of suffering. Offended, SW tells them to "Get out!" but rethinks. She puts the mask back on, and decides to use this moment to instead abuse the girls and use the crime of their trespass against them. As SW tells Catra to stay, Adora turns around, seeing that Catra is caught, and she's scared for her friend. She really did make a poor decision, and as a highly empathetic person, what happens to Catra scars Adora, too.

Held powerless by magic, Catra tries to explain that they were just playing. SW's words to her set the stage for a lifetime of physical and psychological abuse: SW leans over her menacingly, telling her "Insolent child, I've come to expect such disgraceful behavior from you, but I will not allow you to drag Adora down as well." Again, it's not Catra who decided to go in, so it's really not her fault. SW disparages her and heaps blame upon her for Adora's bad choice, ignoring the truth.

Adora weakly tries to protect Catra, saying "SW, it wasn't her fault. It was my idea too." It's an understandable response, as they're just little kids. Still, Adora could have taken the blame for their trespass, since she led Catra inside. But it's about to get a lot more hurtful for Catra...

SW's voice echoes through Catra's head as she trembles in terror: "You have never been anything more than a nuisance to me. I've kept you around this long because Adora was fond of you but if you ever do anything to jeopardize her future, I will dispose of you myself. Do you understand ?" Catra trembles in fear, her eyes unfocused, the room empty but for SW menacing her. She's in a dissociative state, terrified and helpless. I think some people probably feel like this must have been a idle threat, but it isn't: SW abuses Catra many times after this for her mistakes. And the depiction of the dissociative state helps us understand just how damaging it was. While Adora seemingly goes on to not realize the importance of this memory, for Catra it is formative to her entire life.

Again, Adora tries weakly to stop what's happening, putting herself between them. She tells SW "please, stop" then looks over at Catra, full of concern. Running over to SW, she tells her "she didn't mean to". This is so hurtful, as young Catra is very smart. Catra knows Adora has blown it again, after all, what is it that she "didn't mean to" do when it was Adora's idea to trespass? Adora isn't getting the magnitude of the situation, and Catra is very much left to fend for herself.

SW then does a very insidious thing to Adora, a very directed abuse that's meant to work against her personality and empathetic reactions to others pain. She tells her "Adora, you must do a better job of keeping her under control. Do not let something like this happen again..." SW follows this up with years of manipulation to make Adora even more susceptible to abuse. But in this moment, SW again heaps the blame for Adora's mistake onto Catra, who did nothing wrong. For Catra, she comes to believe that what she did doesn't even matter, nobody cares what the truth was. Even Adora. But for Adora, the hurt goes deep as well. She made a bad decision, her friend gets hurt for it, and she never comes clean... instead, she's told she has to do a better job of controlling her friend, and that she has to be perfect so that it doesn't happen again. It's a deep and hurtful moment for Adora, just like it is for Catra. But the hurt is much less direct, and more sneaky. Nonetheless, Adora struggles with this moment, this abuse of her, in the most intimate and painful ways all throughout the series.

Young Catra watches on as SW completes her manipulation of Adora. For Catra, she's left with the feeling that nothing she does matters, she was blamed for something she didn't even do. And Adora seemingly took the easy out, spreading the blame. But she doesn't realize this moment is so insidious for Adora, that it attacks and manipulates her at her emotional need to help others. From this moment on, Adora is afflicted with a desperate fear that she can't protect others, and must lead perfectly so they don't get hurt. This internal conflict erodes Adora's self worth, and causes her great emotional pain throughout the series. Catra, instead, believes she is being told she has no worth, and isn't even allowed to make her own decisions. It's hurtful, and it's part of why she tensed so badly at Adora for trying to tell her what to do earlier. We see this realization cross young Catra's face: she feels forgotten in this moment.

We see the young girls walking away from SW's chamber, Adora with her hand around Catra's shoulder. This comfort is not enough... Catra really needed Adora to stand up for her there, to come clean, and she didn't. Trying to comfort her now seems hollow. As they flash to their present selves, Catra knocks Adora's arm aside in frustration, accusing her of needing to play the hero.

Adora responds, saying she was only trying to protect her. Catra's next words tell the real truth of their childhood: "You never protected me! Not in any way that would put you on SW's bad side!" Adora at first chafes at this statement, feeling like she did try to protect her, then crosses over to confusion at the strength of Catra's assertion. Catra is telling Adora she was blind to her pain. She wasn't there for her, and this is very much at the core of Catra's disappointment with Adora: the fact that she never stayed, never tried to understand. Adora let SW control her, make her ambitious, and so Catra was put to the side of that, and over time Adora grew apart from her. Catra’s exact words here are important: she says that Adora ‘plays’ at being the hero, yet always seemingly protected her status as the favorite, never standing up to SW and risking harm onto herself in order to save Catra from pain.

And so, the fact that out of seemingly out of nowhere, Adora decides to risk everything and defect in order to fight for people she doesn't even know, insults Catra. Adora abandons and consequently fights against her own people, leaving Catra behind, unilaterally treating her as an enemy. Never, in their whole lives, did Adora ever fight for Catra, only offering affection afterwards to make up for the cruelties that happened to Catra. So no, Catra doesn't want Adora to save her, or her sympathy, when she seemingly cared so little about her pain. Adora was no hero to her.

Now an obvious question might be: if the manipulation is that Adora is supposed to protect and control Catra, then shouldn't she have had to see SW abuse Catra for it to work? The first part of the answer is that it was never really about that, once the idea was put in Adora’s head, SW used it to manipulate her further into a mentality where Adora would accept praise, promotion on her path to becoming a force captain.

The other is that when someone is being hurt like Catra was in that moment... if the one person in the world who is supposed to get it doesn't get it... then it becomes very hard to ever bring it up to them again. It's a specific type of hurt and abandonment: for Catra, she goes on to believe that this is her burden, that somehow she alone is supposed to learn these hard lessons. And so she doesn't tell Adora about the abuse. Also, keep in mind that they are small children, and Catra doesn't want Adora to hurt like she does... so she's actually protecting her, in her mind. But the fact that time goes by and Adora never seemed to care, to stop and see Catra's pain, was very hurtful to her. And Catra’s feelings of betrayal at Adora’s not seeing the hurt are justified: in episode 1, we see Adora watch SW menace Catra, then happily run off to accept her promotion, only remembering to check on Catra as an afterthought. Catra needed Adora's support, and never really got it.

[pic caption: (left to right) Adora’s apparent willful ignorance of the abuse.]

So Catra believes she learns these hard lessons so Adora won't have to, but is left alone in her pain. This also means that SW specifically abused Catra at times and in places so Adora wouldn't be aware, which again, tells us it was never really about making Adora responsible for Catra's decisions. No, the reasons were much darker, and Catra bore it all alone.

The girls flash to their younger selves, and Catra accuses Adora: "Admit it, you love being her favorite." Catra is telling Adora that she was disappointed and hurt that Adora kept accepting praise and privilege from SW, after that moment when she so clearly should have seen how SW abused her, and the maliciousness of the death threat. In Catra’s mind, Adora could have rejected SW. As painful as it is for a small child to be without any parents, it would have been the right thing to do, for Catra. SW was no good to Catra, and they could have shared the pain of being orphans who only had each other, but instead Catra ended up bearing all of the abuse while Adora was given privilege.

Adora denies this assertion, and yet she did accept the privilege SW offered her. Catra's next words show how ignorant Adora was to the realities of their lives as they flash back to their present selves: "Oh yeah? When you left, who do you think took the fall for you? Who was protecting me then ?" Catra bore all the abuse and punishment for Adora's leaving, and Adora wasn't there to see it. Catra did this bravely for Adora, in fact, up until before Princesse Prom, Catra did everything she could to cover for Adora, just like she asked, protecting her, hoping she'd come back to her. But Adora shows no understanding at all for what Catra went through, she didn't even think about what must have been happening to her. Adora has never taken the time to think about how her actions affect Catra's life.

Adora counters, suggesting that Catra could leave the Horde, and therefore get away from SW's abuse. Catra just glares back at her, disappointed. Catra knows running from the abuse won't solve anything.

::What this comes down to is a totally different understanding of the world. For Adora, she thinks she became a hero for leaving the Horde, and becoming She-ra. She doesn't realize she was lucky to fall into the situation she did, with Bow and Glimmer helping her gain acceptance and protecting her. She's totally unaware that the reality that her becoming She-ra is a manipulation born out of evil intent. For Catra, she's always known that the world is harsh, and that bad people exist who will try to destroy you. She's not afraid to fight, she's had no choice learning these harsh truths. It's a jaded view that negatively affects her perceptions of people, but it prepares her for the worst, and so she relies on it. So when Adora suggests she run from it, she rejects her as naive. They flash back to their younger selves after Adora suggests Catra can leave like she did, and Catra accusingly points out that she doesn't need to follow Adora around. That they're children is relevant to the previous memory where Adora led Catra into danger, and then didn't protect her. Catra isn't interested in following Adora blindly after she's put her in danger so badly in the past.

Flashing back present selves, Catra tells Adora she doesn't want to leave. As she says this her face conveys her anger at the world, her drive to face SW instead of flee. She says "I'm not afraid of SW anymore, and I'm a better force captain than you ever would have been." Let's take this in parts: Catra won't run from her abuser, she's already planning to take her down. Doing so is important to Catra, as it fixes her world in an important way. And that Adora can't see this just shows how far apart they are now. In Catra's mind, Adora was supposed to stay, and as they rose to power together, they would have supplanted SW, fixing Catra's world. The two of them would have been stronger in the end. But Adora did leave, so Catra impatiently tries to get Adora to see that she won't just run away. If Adora doesn't want to help Catra overcome this evil, then she'll do it on her own.

Her disappointment in Adora for abandoning this fight is apparent, what comes to mind is when Catra calls Adora weak in the Sea Gate episode. And now Catra knows she's got the power to do this, she's a force captain, and if she can just find a reason to depose SW she knows she has the station and fighting ability to take her down. She always knew she could lead, but was happy to let Adora have success because she really didn't want that responsibility. So she points out her superiority, not to show that she's better than Adora, but to tell Adora she was blind to Catra's worth, and to be hurtful to Adora for abandoning her.

They flash back to their child selves: Adora looks at Catra, hurt and confused "You always said you didn't care about things like that." Adora is feeling hurt by the idea that she was unknowingly taking advantage of Catra, because Catra has seemily just told her she was lying.

Now, this next part is important, and it's important that we are seeing Catra's reaction as her child self: Catra looks sad and lonely as Adora finishes her question, and she's crying. Something adult Catra would never let herself do. So we're seeing a much more authentic expression of Catra's hurt and emotions than if it were her present self. What you need to understand here is that those emotions don't really match her words... Catra tells her "Well I was lying, obviously!" But her face says she's angry and hurt at Adora for not seeing her pain.

As she delivers those words her face is full of accusation and insult, she's being dramatic, something we will see Catra do time and time again. She stares down Adora, eyes scrunched up, showing Adora how betrayed she felt by her insensitivity. Then we get sadness, disappointment. Finally, we get a lonely kind of furious sorrow: all that time feeling alone and Adora didn't bother to understand is written on her face.

The tears are still flowing, but as she turns away they shift back to their present selves. Adult Catra looks totally alone, heartbroken.

Ok but how we REALLY know Catra isn't telling the truth is this: almost word for word, this moment exists in episode 1. ANY time you see that happen in this show, you need to look back to find the meaning of it.

>We will need to look in totality of this scene in episode 1: An excited Catra pounces on Adora, asking her what SW said. She sees the badge and takes it. Here's a funny thing, because we see Catra jump on Adora you might think Catra is always like this, she just comes into Adora's space as she pleases. But once Catra has the badge, we see no anger or jealousy. Just total wonder. She shows nothing but exuberation and happiness for Adora's promotion (pic 1, lower left fyi).

Catra knew this could be the turning point she's been waiting for, that Adora was due for promotion. And so she's jumping all over Adora, full of joy. We only see her attitude change once Adora tells her SW isn't letting her go on missions. And so, we can infer a lot of information from this...

Catra expected this moment to change their lives for the better. That Adora's rising in rank means freedom, the beginning of something new. Some many new things, in Catra's case. But Catra definitively shows us in this scene that she doesn't desire the success for herself. She only shows happiness for Adora, for them together, and she's ecstatic. (pic 1, fyi)

This, in Catra's mind, probably means the start of their romantic lives. If Adora is the force captain that brings them to victory, SW won't be able to just trample all over their lives. Catra can begin letting down some walls, maybe even let Adora pursue her romantically. If they're together, and Adora is on her side because of that, she becomes safe from her abuser. It's a much better outcome than trying to fight SW, but that's not how the story goes. No, Adora leaves her instead. How's that for emotional whiplash? All of these truths are laid bare in s3ep5, when we see Catra's perfect reality, when she and Adora are together romantically. Catra only wants to be safe and to be loved, but when Adora leaves her she loses trust in the goodness of Adora, and in people in general.

> Adora tells Catra she shouldn't be surprised she's been cut of of the mission because she's so rude to SW, to which Catra responds by calling Adora a people pleaser, then storming off in anger...

::Note, as this is important: Adora is taking SW’s side, and not Catra’s, which is entirely opposite of their early childhood memory of Octavia. It shows how Adora had started listening to the negative judgements others placed on Catra...

>Adora goes after Catra, finding her sulking on the roof. Catra is angry, betrayed by the world, at the injustice that SW is in her life. Adora asks "I didn't even think you wanted to be a force captain?" Catra tossed the badge at her, saying she doesn't. Then she folds her body up, holding herself. Adora sees this, but doesn't touch her. She's being careful to respect Catra's boundaries. But the anger Catra feels here isn't about being denied the chance to be a force captain, it's at all the hurt that SW has dealt her and continues to do so. And Adora doesn't see that, which disappoints Catra. But, she's unable to verbalize it herself, she is too insecure in her emotional vulnerability, so she lets it slide.

What we have here is two different instances of the same question with two different answers, but in both cases Catra is telling the truth. In episode 1, it's the truth that she doesn't care about being a force captain because of her love for Adora, and the promise, in her mind, that they will eventually be together. In episode 11, Catra then says she lied, and this now is also true: Catra did think about what she was going through, all the pain and sacrifices she made for Adora, which were done in the name of love. But Adora doesn't love her the way that Catra loves Adora, instead leaving her behind. And so now that Adora didn't ever see how excellent a person Catra actually was, how dedicated to her she is, and the pain she was willing to bear for her sake, it does matter. Because that's shitty of her, and so now Catra will survive on her own by her own excellence, her strength that Adora never stopped to see. So Catra is guilting Adora, trying to make her see how blind and unfeeling she is.

>Back to ep11: Catra tries to walk away from Adora, who desperately chases her, trying to understand why Catra is becoming so distant, wanting her to tell her what's wrong. She reaches out for Catra's shoulder in one last attempt to get Catra to talk, she knows touching Catra could maybe get her to be more open. But the truth is Adora has been far too easy on Catra, she needs to be more forceful if she wants Catra to talk, which she later comes to understand... she's been coddling Catra, and so Catra is allowed to wallow in her unhealthy mental states.

Catra takes Adora's hand, forcefully holding it away from her and delivering a hurtful line: "Why do you think I gave the sword back to you in the fright zone? I didn't WANT you to come back, Adora!" This hits Adora like a load of bricks, her dismay is evident. And it's all true, which is the sad part. Catra was already preparing to cut ties with Adora, as even by that point she had come to a realization, a decision: if Adora doesn't want to be with her, then she'll do it herself. She will do the hard things on her own.

She turns away from Adora, looking hurt and betrayed. And Adora is at a complete loss, she doesn't know this side of Catra, this part of her that has survived hardship all these years... she lets her leave, not knowing what to do.

Adora is then attacked by the security, which takes up her time. As that happens, we see memories only shown to Catra. Catra runs, emotionally overwhelmed as all the unfair judgements, the abuse, and hollow apologies ring out around her. All the years of frustration and sadness weigh on her, she tries to keep it together, lashing out at the holograms. She falls to her knees, fighting back emotion and trying not to cry, her inner, vulnerable self is near the surface, and she's trying not to break down in tears over all of the hurt she's had to bear...

… and then she hears soft crying...

She turns to see her younger, tiny self, crying. Then, a tiny Adora joins the tiny Catra. Unlike the other memories, Catra never flashes into her younger self, she just watches...

The tiny Adora pulls the blanket down, Catra hisses at her... Adora sits down next to her tenderly. And we finally get the promise, the two parts that Adora has so tragically broke...

Adora tells her "It doesn't matter what they do to us, you know? You look out for me, and I look out for you... nothing really bad can happen as long as we have each other." The tiny Catra looks at Adora, wanting to trust her, to believe in her. As she says the question, present Catra echos it: "You promise ?" This was a sacred moment that gave Catra hope as a young orphan, that maybe she would be ok.

And so, the present Catra echoes it. Adora tells her she promises, as the skeptical present Catra looks on. Tiny Catra is still sad, insecure... she hugs Adora, needing this. Adora suggests they go back out to play... and we see tiny Catra look at her, still afraid, reluctant, wanting to stay. But she decides to trust Adora, and so they walk out, holding hands. Then something unique happens. Tiny Catra stops to look up at her present self: note, this is entirely a unique moment in the simulation, it never happened in reality... and yet Catra is given this moment...

The innocent child stares up Catra, making her see her. It's a look full of meaning, it doesn't carry any specific emotion... only innocence. Catra is having an inner child moment. That most deep and innocent part of her, her vulnerable self who feels love, is communicating with her. It's asking her to see it's vulnerability, and it's pain. Catra sees this, all of the pain Adora has caused her, the breaking of the promise, the promise that this innocent part of her was holding on to desperately with hope. She is forced to acknowledge Adora's disloyalty to her, her carelessness. Catra is reflecting on how she did her absolute best to keep that promise, even after Adora failed to look out for her in SW's chamber. Catra was so loyal and so good to Adora all of their lives; she made sure Adora had a good life, and she played by SW's rules so Adora could be the chosen one, wanting to protect her. All in the hope that they would be together, and that their love was real. But Adora couldn't even do that much, she left her. And Adora doesn't understand her, she doesn't even seem to miss her.

[pic 9: Broken Promises, Catra’s inner child, The Hero goes Her Own Way].

Present Catra watches her tiny self leave, coming to the tough realization: that she's never been able to trust Adora, not really. Her love isn't reciprocated, not by her standards.

…. which makes Adora a deeply unsafe person to Catra...

Catra survived SW's abuse, learning to believe in herself, protect herself because no one else would. All while keeping this hope of love in her heart, this vulnerable core of herself that has tenderness and loves Adora, and needs love back. But, her need for love goes to such a deep vulnerability that giving in to it and then again being rejected or forgotten by Adora would simply destroy her. SW held the threat of death over Catra’s head her entire life, and Catra resisted it, got through it by being tough and trusting in herself. So now she sees she can't trust Adora: everything that happened since she left her behind, the fact that Adora always treats her as an enemy, that she seems to show no lingering desire for her, and doesn't even seem to miss her while replacing her with new friends, seems to confirm her worst fears. Fears that have been building over the years, starting when Adora broke their promise in SW's chamber, and then as Adora pursued her success while accepting praise and privilege from SW, ignoring the abuse Catra bore because of it. She decides she can't trust Adora. Love is a lie, a weakness. A weakness that could destroy her last bit of individuality, and belief in the world.

And so, Catra, The Survivor, makes the decision... in her mind it's the brave one, just like way back when and she decided to bravely stand up to SW's abuse and not let it destroy her: she will stand up to the threat that is the weakness of her love for Adora. Adora is selfish, she doesn't deserve Catra's love. She was stupid to believe that love was even possible, for someone like her… who has always been ignored, and told she is unworthy of praise or even existence. There's only one thing left for her to do: she will be alone, strong on her own, for herself.

Her gaze hardens... that part of her that has made sure she survived SW's abuse, and made sure she won fights when she was threatened, is now the decider. It will protect her from her vulnerability, and reject Adora for her. I suppose you might be confused as to what I'm referring, or maybe not... If you haven't had to fight for your life, whether physically, mentally, or otherwise, you might not know this side of yourself well. But we all have it, it's The Survivor. And while I knew mine would protect me, I didn't accept it as my real self, I didn't accept its necessary but vicious deeds as my own. This is very much how Catra is, and as the series goes on she puts this survivor in charge of more and more decisions, we watch her deteriorate as this part of her gets out of control, protecting her from darkness with more darkness. All the while her vulnerable inner self suffers, watching the horrible deeds and becoming more and more alone, desperate for affection.

>Adora is outnumbered, eventually ending up hanging from the cliff's edge by spider webs. She hears Catra return, dealing with the spiders. Adora looks up, hopeful because Catra has returned...

Catra saunters in. Let me say a few things before we go through this part: Catra is about to say a lot of things that aren't really true. They are instead meant to be hurtful to Adora, Catra is being intentionally mean. We shouldn't take her exact words as her authentic beliefs, because they're not... no, Catra is doing what she believes she has to so she can be apart for Adora, and be safe from her. The truth is, Catra needs to be away from Adora. She's too scared of the vulnerability that is her love for Adora, because Adora hasn't shown her that she cares. And she can't do that by defecting, no, she must stay with the Horde. It's the only thing she feels there is left for her to do.

Now, let's go through this: and heads up: I'm getting at something very powerful that's going on here that you may not have realized. This speech is, in fact, a heroic moment. A heroic moment... for Catra. Not Adora, for Catra. And you just need to open your ears to hear it...

"Hey Adora."

🎶 is sad

"Catra! Help me, please!"

"This thing wouldn't work for me if I tried, would it? It only works for you... then again, you're special... that's what Shadow Weaver always said..."

🎶 is melancholy

"Catra, what are you doing??"

"Ah, ya know, it all makes sense now... you've always been the one holding me back... you wanted me to think I needed you, you wanted me to feel weak."

🎶 has even tone

"Every hero needs a sidekick, right?"

"Catra that's not how it was.."

🎶 rises, falls, sad (“Promise” begins playing)

*Catra chuckles* "The sad thing is I've spent all this time hoping you'd come back to the Horde... when really you leaving was the best thing that EVER happened to me..."

🎶 lowers, is dark, is dramatic. -Note: we see Catra seemingly become deranged as she says this line. This is Catra deceiving herself out of perceived necessity.

"I am so much stronger than anyone... ever... thought." *she cuts part of the web*

🎶 begins to rise, uplifting

"I wonder what I could have been if I'd gotten rid of you sooner." *she cuts the rest of the web, Adora falls, catching herself*

🎶 rises, is dramatic

"I'm sorry! I never meant to make you feel like you were second best. Please, don't do this."

🎶 is still rising, uplifting

*Catra stands proudly, nobly, looking at the sword. She looks down at Adora, then she casually tosses the sword past her...

🎶 is rising, hopeful, heroic.

"Bye Adora, I really am going to miss you..."

🎶 is heroic, violins now playing, adding depth

*Catra turns and walks away from Adora, proudly*

🎶 has risen to its height, crests, is heroic.

"Catra... Catra, no!!"

🎶 remains high, cresting, heroic

*Adora cries, sad, confused by Catra's leaving her...*

🎶 crests again, fades out...

Ok, so... let's talk about what just happened here. The undeniable conclusion is that this was meant to be a heroic moment, and a damn heroic moment... for Catra. The writers are telling us that Catra leaving is an important part of her hero’s journey, and that it was the right thing to do. You might be wondering, how can that be? The short answer is, Catra is on a hero’s journey unlike all the other hero’s journeys normally portrayed in fiction. All of it, even her darkest deeds, all her cruelty towards Adora, will be part of a very... important... and powerful... journey. One which will forge her into a hero in this series, in her own incredible right... how this is, what she is, is yet to be revealed... but make no mistake, she's a hero. Just not the one you expect…

We see Adora open her eyes, and see Light Hope. She tells Adora to let go. She means of her emotional attachments, as we find out. Adora cries for her lost Catra, that she couldn't bring her back to her. She lets go...

BIG ASSERTION TIME: Now, I know it's a common theory that these memories were all just an elaborate manipulation by Light Hope to divide the girls from each other, but I don't agree with that. No, I believe this was a memory journey guided by Catra, subconsciously, to help her tell Adora why she couldn't come with her, why she has to be apart.

Take for instance the memories and visions that Adora sees when she's on her way to the Heart of Etheria in season 5: this system exists apart from Light Hope, who dies at the end for season 4. This simulation comes from somewhere more primal: in my belief, it is the deep magic of Etheria being visualized through the First One's tech. We see the simulation show Catra the promise memory, something Adora isn't shown at all, and then allows her to see her inner child's hurt. Something deeper is going on here, and you should consider how strongly the magic of Etheria is resonating with Catra when it does. Because the magic of Etheria will again speak directly to Catra, this isn't the last time... In short, the magic helps the two of them to understand each other, because Catra is an important part of Adora's true She-ra journey.

I also believe that a theme of this series is that abusers, like L. Hope, are not perfect vindictive manipulators. They are flawed, and L. Hope in particular, I believe, is no genius: she fails time and time again. That L. Hope uses the moment to get Adora to let go is her using the moment to her advantage, she didn't play ultimate control over it. She just piggy backed on Catra's hurt to do it. So that last memory really was for Catra... Furthermore, I simply cannot believe L.Hope would understand the concept of the inner child… as she can't even understand sarcasm.

But now, because of this, Adora now knows of Catra's pain... and this is the beginning of Adora's long journey back to Catra, of her repairing their bond…

Let's address the obvious counterpoint: Adora now knows that Catra is hurt, but she doesn't yet understand why. And it's not really her fault, as Catra doesn't know how to talk about her feelings, among other things. But it's apparent that Adora doesn't remember these crucial memories as well as Catra does, even though they were critical in her development as well. Adora is a mess of emotions, just like Catra, and (if) she has ADHD, it might be one reason why she doesn't really get Catra. Especially if her parental figure has been manipulating it against her. Adora very much vibrates between stimuli anxiously, so SW might have made her forgetful by distraction over time. Also, the way in which Adora treats Catra as an enemy when she doesn't accept Adora’s (totally rushed, afterthought, and hollow) ultimatum that she defect with her, is a reflection of Adora's ingrained Horde war training… this is something she has to unlearn, as it is wrong. But Adora is a good person, she really, truely, is, because Adora never stops trying to make it better. And so, she slowly, but surely, comes to understand Catra’s trauma.

We get one last scene of Catra returning to the fright zone. We get to see Catra's truth here: She walks, as if she's not even there, she's deadened by the sorrow and the inevitability of what her life will now be: one of hard work, and zero joy. She will try her best to stand on her own, and put Adora out of her heart, slamming its doors shut against love. It doesn't work, but that's what she's trying to do, nonetheless. This is the beginning of a profound depression that builds over the next 3 seasons, and combined with new traumas, nearly takes her life.

But the tech Catra has brought back will end up giving her what she needs to face down and depose SW, just like she needed...

::Here is another complicated twist that's so essential to She-ra as a series: Catra, in fact, protects Adora by taking down SW. Catra may go on to command the Hordes forces so effectively that it pushes the Princess alliance harder than it's ever been pushed before, but her deposing SW is extremely important in the story. She both removes SW’s ability to attack Adora, and then denies her any sorcerous power by taking the Black Garnet from her, since SW needs an external source to draw power from in order to use her vampiric powers...

Ok so more theory time: it's a common belief that Catra stays with the Horde, and goes on to try to conquer the world out of some deep need to externally validate herself, and to prove she was the better child by beating Adora. I don't think any of these explanations are true. Catra may go on to play such a character on a surface level, but every time she professes to have any such ambitions, she is either in the presence of Adora, or under incredible stress. In the one case, she's saying those things to try to hurt Adora, and make her see how naive and foolish Adora always was, especially now that Adora thinks she can fight against her.

In the other case, it's actually her survivor mechanism trying to take over, to make her world safe. In every case where Catra says something about ambition, somewhere in that scene, Catra shows the distinct emotions of her true inner self: generally, these emotions are sorrow, fear, and loneliness. They don't exist on screen long, they are what is known as micro expressions. (See below for a short discussion of Catra’s micro expressions.)

To put it simply, the only reason Catra stays with the Horde is so she has somewhere she can be separate from her feelings and heartbreak over Adora, and then she climbs the ranks in order to find safety, first from SW, and then Hordak, once he threatens her life with his temper tantrums. That she fights against Adora is just a collateral consequence, she isn't out to get Adora, but nor does she care if Adora gets hurt, because she’s hurt her. Catra does fight against the princesses, though (including She-ra).

A core feature of Catra's character is indeed one of personal power. She's a person who is told to hurry up and die at an early age, but refused to do so. So her arc, her issue, isn't a cautionary tale about chasing validation, it's about her overcoming her fear of vulnerability and allowing herself to rely on others in a way that lets her be safe without needing to combat the darkness with more darkness. But vulnerability scares her because of the abuse she experienced.

As for validation, the only person she would want that from is Adora. This is because Catra believes in herself already: that she has a sacred right to exist, no matter what SW and others may tell her (note: Adora struggles with this, she's actually the one who seeks validation). But, she also needs love, and she is too fearful that Adora doesn't really love her and is afraid of being hurt by that. It's also why I think she's so chaotic towards Adora: her inner child tells her adult self to protect her from her love for Adora, which it tries to do, but that same child misses and needs Adora in so many ways. So she's trying to be mean to compensate for the incredible desire she feels towards Adora. I love it when Adora calls her a brat in season 5, it's such a well deserved line, mmhhmmm.

Actual discussions of how these particulars play out in the show are better left for another time, but there you have it.

Promise sidebar discussions: Catra’s micro expressions; Catra nearly dies at the Battle of Bright Moon

“White Out” microexpression discussion: [see pics below] This is the first time since the Battle of Bright Moon that Catra and Adora meet. So it's a good time to talk about Catra’s micro expressions. Picture 1: Adora says “Hey, Catra” out of the blue and Catra is completely blindsided, she figured she wouldn't be bothered out in the middle of nowhere. She's anxious and unhappy to be seeing Adora. Along with her suspicious absence the episode before in “Roll With It”, the answer is obvious: Catra has been avoiding Adora. She may have cut ties with her in “Promise”, nearly bested her at the Battle of BM, but she doesn't want to see her. She doesn't know what she feels about her.

Picture 2: Enraged monsters are decimating the base, and a battle breaks out over the corrupted disc. Catra is desperately trying to protect it, because she can control Adora if she has it... and she needs this chance to have her back. As Catra reaches to pick it up, she's facing away from everyone and so no one can see her desperation and sadness from missing Adora. (pic 2) Shortly after, we also see her clutch the disc desperately to her chest in a way that's very endearing, right before the monster attacks her and makes her drop it. Then, as she's about to die in its jaws because she doesn't want to give Adora up again, Scorpia breaks the disc and saves her life. We see in this episode as Catra completely loses track of her emotions, and now realizes she has to come to terms with the fact that she's so desperately sad from missing Adora, she was willing to die just for a chance to have her back.

Pic 3: Catra hates working for the Horde. She HATES it. She gets zero joy from the job, and she’s already figured out that Hordak will kill her if she screws up too badly. She didn't want this job, plain and simple, but now feels stuck with it. None of this is the life she wanted. Combining this knowledge against Catra’s declaration to Adora at the end of Promise, we know she's not happy that she had to go her own way...

Catra’s near death experience at the Battle of Bright Moon

At the Battle of Bright Moon, Catra leads Adora (She-ra) away. They battle, but then Catra retreats and instead starts listing out every single worst fear of failure she thinks Adora has. It's a dark moment, she's acting much like SW did to them as children, and we watch her manipulation take root in Adora. Finally, her words are too much, and as Catra looks down at Adora's (She-ra's) back, we see Adora become deranged, overcome with her fear of failing everyone... (pic1, above) she picks up a boulder and throws it directly at Catra. Catra is knocked flying, and only by the barest of margins does she keep from falling to her death. Adora nearly kills Catra. And so, as Adora drags Catra up from the cliff and slams her into the wall, we see a totally heartbroken and emotionally crushed Catra. In this moment, Catra believes all of her worst fears are confirmed: Adora only cares about being She-ra, so much so that Adora would kill her in the name of being that hero. Catra uses this moment, this belief, to justify her division from Adora. Sadly, she's wrong... she's ignoring the seriousness of the threat that the battle poses, and as Adora was facing away from her during that moment, she doesn't see the terror and desperation Adora experiences due to her cruel words…

Oh, and one more thing before we go: when Catra says “What, did you really think this was about you ?” SPOILER ALERT: It was. Because She-ra is one big Catradora story… and we love it.

As always, thanks for reading. <3

~EtheriaDearie

P.S. :: as I am new to tumblr, if you enjoyed reading this, please consider giving me a reblogg! Thanks!! 🙇💛

[yanderecrazysie]

Can you maybe do a Yandere Alphabet with Tendou please 👉👈🥺🥺

Of course I can!!! I'd be more than happy to! :D

Tendou Satori (Haikyuu) -The Yandere Alphabet

🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅

Warnings: yandere themes, kidnapping, murder, food/water deprivation

A is for Affection: How do they show their affection for their darling? How often do they show it?

💖 Tendou would start with soft touches that could go unnoticed by you. Just one of those "touchy friend" types, right? An arm slung around your shoulder, pulling at your cheeks teasingly, hands over your eyes from behind saying "guess who?", and other harmless, playful things.

💖 These touches might start to escalate if you receive them well. A quick kiss on the cheek, a hug that lasts much longer than normal... suddenly it doesn't feel as "friendly" as it used to.

💖 When Tendou "takes you home", he'll see no reason to hold himself back with his affection. He's going to be fairly clingy, just warning you!

B is for Blood: How messy are they willing to get for their darling? Why?

🔪 Tendou seems to enjoy seeing the helpless look on people's faces, so he might enjoy murder. Since the sadistic pleasure comes from defeating his rivals, I think anyone that is a contender for your love is probably in mortal danger.

C is for Care or Cruelty: How would they treat their darling when they kidnap them? Would they mock them?

💔 I don't think Tendou would really MOCK you, but he would be pretty smug about his victory. He wouldn't be able to stop gloating about his plan going perfectly.

💔 Tendou will treat you well, though. Don't think for a second that he'll be mean because this boy's a bit like an overexcited puppy when it comes to you.

D is for Delusion: How delusional are they when it comes to their darling? Do they believe their darling loves them?

💭 Tendou is aware that you don't like him back (yet) but he doesn't think his thoughts or actions are abnormal. Possessive tendencies, dark thoughts, even murder... it's all because he loves you, so that's fine!

E is for Expose: How much of their heart do they bear to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling? How much time will it take to trust them?

💧 Tendou didn't have a great past and he doesn't really love thinking about how the other kids bullied him. I think he does have a bit of fear that you might judge him too, even if you've shown nothing but kindness towards him.

💧 Because of that insecurity, I think it would take a long time for Tendou to tell you about his past if you didn't know it. If you did know about it, he wouldn't want to talk about it. But why dwell on bad memories when he can make good new ones with you!

💧 Trust though? Tendou is a bit paranoid about you leaving him, so you're literally never going to be trusted near a potential escape. 50 years down the road and he's still not letting you within EYESIGHT of the padlocked door.

F is for Fight: How would they react if their darling fought back?

👊 Tendou would probably find it hilarious if you tried to physically fight back. Do you HONESTLY think you're going to overpower him? I mean: he's big, strong, fast, and good at guessing your next move. Yeah, nice try.

👊 Like I said, he'd find it funny. It's a bit of a challenge, it's so cute to see that feisty side of you! To Tendou, it's kind of like a special little game you both play. You'll never really win anyways, so what's the worry?

G is for Guilt: What would it take for them to feel guilty about their actions? Or do they feel guilty from the start?

😔 Guilt? What's guilt? I don't think Tendou would feel that.

😔 Seriously though, even if you got hurt or were upset, I don't think Tendou would blame himself. He wouldn't blame you, of course, but it's just kinda... necessary, you know?

H is for Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

🔥 An angry Tendou is not a fun Tendou. Seriously, angering him isn't fun for you or him. He can be a cute, dorky little thing but he can be kinda scary when pissed.

I is for Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

👩‍❤️‍👨 Tendou has a cute little future planned for you both. This boy's thought hard about what your wedding will be like, how many kids you both will have, etc. I don't think he'll really take your opinions into consideration, but maybe if you try hard enough you can convince him.

J is for Jealousy: How easily do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

💢 Tendou doesn't feel "jealousy" exactly. He can pick out rivals, yes, but he doesn't have any worry about them taking you away from him. They won't if he has anything to do with it.

💢 It's fine if you talk to others, though it'll irk him if you're really flirting with someone. He won't blame you for attracting admirers and he'll let you talk to them if you want. They just... aren't exactly... safe from him...

K is for Kidnap: How would they go about kidnapping their darling? How much do they plan it out?

🔒 Tendou would be quick to kidnap you BUT he's not stupid. If the risk of being caught is high, he's not going to rush. He'd find a good opportunity and have a plan for how to take advantage of it. He's pretty good at figuring out what you are going to do.

L is for Love Letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

💌 Tendou wouldn't mind being friend-zoned as a start. That way he can be close to you without you suspecting him of any ill intentions. And he can just pretend to be "that touchy friend" that likes to hang all over you.

💌 He'd probably be extra playful with you and seek you out so much that even his teammates can't help but notice. He'd ask you to go everywhere with him and trail after you when you go somewhere.

M is for Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they acted before?

🎭 I would say that Tendou can hide things pretty well. He sometimes conceals his true nature and how dark his thoughts are, but his teammates/friends/family CAN tell that he's acting strangely.

N is for Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

🚓 I can't picture Tendou hurting you (or really any yandere, to be honest) but I can picture him being crueler with his punishments than the others.

🚓 Tendou might deprive you of food/water until you give in to what he wants or he might lock you up with very tight restraints. You'll come to learn that an angry Tendou isn't a fun Tendou to deal with.

O is for Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling? What rights can be earned with time and trust?

📜 I think that, as long as you're behaving, Tendou would let you roam pretty free around the house. I mean, that's not really saying much, considering you can't leave or anything.

P is for Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

🕊️ I feel like Tendou wouldn't be very patient. Not so much "impatient" as he is just really excited. He CAN wait, he'd just prefer not to. I feel like he'd be playfully impatient too- pretending he can't wait another moment and dramatically faking relief when the wait is over.

🕊️ Tendou wants to give you the benefit of the doubt and he knows you need time to adjust. As long as you don't go TOO far, he will go super easy on you. He'll probably even do a "3 warnings" system or something.

Q is for Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

🏃‍♀️ If you die, Tendou will spend the rest of his life miserable and in mourning. I don't think he'd know what to do with himself- he lost his whole world when you left it.

🏃‍♀️ I do think there's a possibility for escape, just not a high one. If you do manage it, Tendou will hunt you down for as long as it takes. If it takes until the day you die, Tendou will keep searching.

R is for Rage: How do they act when angry? How do they calm down?

👿 Tendou's anger ranges from peeved "tch"es to bared-teeth yelling. In any case, it'll be hard to calm him down, unless it's not aimed at you. If he's having a bad day or angry about something not related to you, wrapping your arms around him or climbing into his lap will immediately soothe him.

👿 If you're the one that caused his anger, however, you're in big trouble. Your only options are to wait it out or hide. If you hide, you stay safe but he'll stay angry for longer. Weigh the pros and cons.

S is for Soulmate: What made them fall in love with their darling? How did they first meet? When did they realize they loved their darling?

💍 You either defended him from bullies or were kind to him, never seeing him as a "monster" like the others. Your refusal to be cruel to him immediately caught his eye, since most people give him a LOT of distance.

💍 Tendou just ADORES how you don't flinch when he approaches you, that you don't stare uncomfortably at his face, or that you don't make fun of his mannerisms. You don't seem to approve of his fairly-cruel (and frankly disturbing) songs and attitudes about others, but you don't treat him any different because of it.

💍 You never had to treat him special, in fact, that's the exact opposite. You treated him NORMALLY. And, because of that, he got the chance to get to know you. Aren't you so glad?

T is for Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

😭 It depends on the situation. I think, if it was something you were really sad about, Tendou would try to cheer you up. He'd do his best to turn that frown upside down because your smile is so much prettier!

😭 However, if it's because of his punishment/anger or you're crying about "wanting to go home", he might be a little more sadistic about it. I can see him doing silly little teasing gestures (tilting his head strangely, innocently wondering aloud why you're so sad).

U is for Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

👌 Tendou isn't... normal. Like, even canon non-Yandere Tendou is kinda... strange. Because of this, no matter how disturbing and yandere he acts, no one else will realize just how serious his oddities are this time.

V is for Visit: Would they allow anyone else to visit their darling? Do they trust their darling to talk to their loved ones (in person, on the phone, etc.) or not at all?

🧳 As long as Ushijima doesn't tell, the miracle boy can come hang out with you two. Tendou secretly kinda wants to show you off a bit. Won't Wakatoshi be so happy for him?

🧳 Semi Semi doesn't get to visit you. Sorry.

W is for Weakness: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

❌ Being hated. If you hate Tendou or act like you do, it'll break him. I'm not saying "call him names" because THAT will just anger him. I mean "I hate it here", "I don't want you", and just generally pushing him away from you.

❌ He wants you to love him- That's one of the reasons he loved you... because you DIDN'T hate him... You can't hate him- YOU CAN'T-

X is for Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

🛐 As clingy and loving as Tendou is, he's not the worshipper type. You put him at a level of normalcy, so he puts you on that same level. I mean, your relationship with him is NOT normal, but to him it is.

🛐 Tendou WILL go to any length necessary to win you over, though. I mean, he didn't kidnap you just for fun. He abducted you so that you could both fall in love together like you were meant to, without all those pathetic rivals in the way.

Y is for Yearning: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

😍 Depending on how friendly you were with Tendou, he may have had a "slow burn" (in Tendou terms) or "instant" love for you. If you met through mutual friends or something, it'll take a while for him to "snap". Otherwise, like everything with Tendou, it'll go QUICK.

Z is for Zero Tolerance: What is the thing that always makes them snap? What things will they not allow their darling to do under any circumstances?

0️⃣ Calling Tendou names = the exact opposite of why he loves you. Especially if you call him a "monster". That word will send Tendou into a fury you will instantly regret invoking. An "I hate you" is a million times better than "You're a monster".

🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅

I really hope you enjoyed! I did my best!

I always feel like I don't know Tendou as well as most people do- like his personality is so... bizarre... I don't know how to put a finger on just what he's like-

[defdaily]

THE STAR Magazine April 2021 Issue featuring JAY B

Translated by defdaily.

GOT7’s eternally sincere leader JAY B. A friendly interview where you can feel his warm-heartedness.

*This interview was done in informal language to give off the feeling of two friends chatting*

It has been a while since we last met for GOT7’s feature in 2017.

Right, hi. I’m JAY B. Nice to meet you. Have you eaten?

JAY B has been chosen to be on the cover of THE STAR’s 8th anniversary issue.

Dobby is free now. (Laughs). I’m a freelancer now but I still can’t believe the fact that I was chosen to be on the cover of THE STAR’s anniversary issue. I’m so thankful to THE STAR for choosing me to be on the cover so I worked extra hard during the shoot.

How are you doing these days? We’re curious to know what you have been up to.

A freelancer’s daily life is always similar. I work when there is work and rest when there isn’t. I was busy recently organising this and that to release GOT7’s digital single ENCORE. I took the lead and there were many things I needed to figure out such as paperwork. So I was very proud. The members have all joined agencies but I want to take a little more time and think about it carefully before choosing. I’m still a freelancer.

Does the freelancing life suit you?

I don’t know if it suits me but it’s fun. Now work-related calls come to me directly, so I would be asleep then receive a call. I’d go “Ah I fell asleep for a moment, sorry. What is this about?” (Laughs). Since I do even these kinds of small communications myself, it’s nice and fascinating to realise the value of work and opportunities. If I didn’t have this time and experience, I think I might have not realised the value of work as much. I used to be on edge at times when the managers used to tell me things in the past. But now that I’ve learnt how much processing has been done before the information reached me, I feel sorry. Now I have a heart full of gratitude for opportunities.

I don’t know if it’s because you’re a freelancer now, but you seem much brighter than before.

Dobby is free now. (Laughs) I’m joking. Of course it was very helpful having a company. But now that I do everything myself, I feel more satisfied. I enjoy it.

The GOT7 members have all started solo activities. It must not have been easy for everyone, how did you come to your decision?

Right. It definitely was not easy. The seven of us researched a lot so that we can continue as GOT7 together. But then we thought that we should broaden our view so each of us could end up in a better situation. In the process, what we each wanted changed a little and, there is a future that each person dreams of right? The company said we did everything we could do on our part and that they will cheer us on in the future, that made me feel proud. We are also very thankful to the company. I felt that we received a lot of protection under a large umbrella. After all, the company is like the mother that gave birth to GOT7, so I’m thankful to them and respect them. I also thought a lot and looked into a lot of things about how to continue as GOT7. I also went to the president and asked him for advice, and I greeted and thanked Jinyoungie hyung for everything.

While preparing for new activities, what was the thing most discussed amongst the members?

“So what is it that you want to do?” “So what do you want to do?” We asked that a lot. So everyone said “We have to do it" So I asked again “No, not 'I have to', but do you want to do this? Or do you not want to do this?” If you are going to do something, you should do it properly, right? If you are not going to do something with an active attitude, I think it’s better to not do it. So we all came together and decided to give it a try.

It’s clear that you are GOT7’s leader.

One advice the company president told me was that my talent and effort as a leader starts now. Personally handling matters related to our recent digital single, I felt this “Taking the lead as a leader, I need to really work hard.” There was a lot of pressure, but if I don’t do it, who would. It pushed me to work hard.

You mentioned very clearly in your social media livestream that “GOT7 did not disband.” I felt your affection towards the team, what does GOT7 mean to JAY B?

One extremely important thing in my life. Actually, it’s an indispensable part. I’m thankful for the fact that our team exists. You have to know that because GOT7 existed, we individually exist too. It wouldn't matter if my beginning was as a solo, but my beginning was as GOT7. That's what made me who I am now.

How is Lim Jaebeom different as JAY B within GOT7, JJ Project, Jus2 and ØFFSHORE?

Comprehensively they’re all sides of me but if I have to split them, they would be a novel vibe versus an essay vibe. ØFFSHORE and Def. are all about music I like, regardless of genres, and honest stories I want to tell. As for GOT7, JJ Project and Jus2, we would have a particular concept and make it a bit more fancy.

Most of the songs you have shown on SoundCloud are R&B genres with a groovy feel. Have you ever had a conflict between music you want to do and music you have to do?

I felt that I needed to work harder to prove [myself] to do what I wanted to do. I can’t always be spoon-fed. To prove [myself] I made more GOT7 tracks and sent around 15~20 demos. Later on Jinyoung hyung and the president acknowledged me and said “Jaebeom will take care of the musical aspect. You can trust him with that.” I felt really proud hearing that. I don’t really feel a sense of conflict between the musical differences. From pop and R&B to folk and modern rock, I don't want to draw lines between genres and make music that sounds good.

We are curious about the music JAY B will show alone and what you’ll pursue. What stories do you want to tell?

I want to do a variety of things. Alone, I think I will try mixing genres and do things that are fun and experimental. I can also do R&B pop or Urban genres which I’ve originally liked. But that might change later on.

Is there an artist you’d like to collaborate with in the future?

Someone with a pleasant tone to listen to. Even now, when I listen to music and I like the artist’s tone, I send them a DM asking if they’d like to collaborate. And Korea's top hip hop artist, IU-nim. Do you think it's possible? (Laughs).

Then would you like to send a message to IU?

Suddenly? Um… I will work very hard. If by chance you think my song is alright, I would love for you to add your nice voice to them. (Laughs)

An appearance that may seem cold with a tsundere charm. But what do you think your real personality is like?

I’m the type that is quiet and calm, but people close to me tell me I’m a weird person. When I cry reading a book or watching a movie, or when I get emotional they say “It’s so weird, it doesn’t suit you.”

Are you the tender type?

I think I just often get hit by waves of emotions.

We’re curious about the lifestyle you seek and your values.

To live each day without any regrets.

Is there a place you’d like to visit after COVID-19 ends?

Kyoto, Japan. It’s a place where there is a lot of Japanese heritage and it’s also pretty.

Recently you have combined your two Instagram accounts @jaybnow.hr and @def.cnvs, what was the reason?

I’m the one doing everything after all, it is just the musical name that was different. I can’t split my body into two. I realised I could combine them into one account and just show the difference within it. And as I get older, it’s hard to manage two accounts. (Laughs). Was I too honest? Now I'm confused about what's what.

Was there any other moment that made you feel old?

I don’t do much and my whole body aches. In the past, my body wouldn’t get affected by the weather. Now when the weather is gloomy my back hurts and my knees go numb. (Laughs).

I can see that you’re interested in artistic aspects such as photography, painting and fashion etc. Do these things influence your music?

Of course. They affect the way you live in itself. I’m a person who wants to express and leave behind what I feel. Calling myself an artist feels somehow cocky.

What are you interested in recently?

It’s not art but I’m interested in moving around. Living as a freelancer, I spent more time lying down at home, but now I need a fast-paced daily life. I try to wake up in the morning to eat breakfast and nutritional supplements then go outside to photosynthesize and soak in the world. Everyone has to keep moving. (Laughs).

Are you interested in fashion and lifestyle curation and design etc?

I don’t think I’m a person who dresses up exceptionally well, but if someone asks I’d be willing to help.

What would you introduce as JAY B’s preference?

Freedom. Regarding fashion too, I liked vintage and grunge styles but recently I’m interested in work look and amecage styles. My preference keeps changing. I can't define myself clearly either, but I like the sense of being free.

What inspires you?

Many situations and people, my experiences as well as indirect experiences.

How do you have an indirect experience?

Watching movies and reading books. Nowadays I read song lyrics and unfold the scenes in my head. I try to think of various points of view in these one-act plays.

To JAY B, love is?

Nonexistent. A moment. I don’t know. As you live life, I think falling in love is a momentary emotion. If it lasts long, I think it’s affection not love. I'm a person who has to talk about love, but sometimes I wonder if it’s okay to feel this way. There are also many different forms of love. The love that my parents give me and the love that my fans send me. I’m thankful for everything.

While promoting for 10 years, what was the happiest moment and most lacking point?

I feel like every moment until now has been somehow lacking. Whenever you look back you end up thinking “I should’ve done better back then.” I think everyone feels that way. But I never regret those times I’ve spent. The happiest instance was when I spotted my parents at a fanmeeting and ran to them and held them while singing. It felt like I was boasting to my fans “These people are my father and mother,” and it also felt like I was showing my parents how I was receiving that many fans’ love and support. I'm thankful that the fans looked at my family happily at that moment.

Have you ever had a slump?

I don't think about something if I think I'm going to fall into something serious, but I'm the type who gets stressed out to do something new.

You are loved not only in Korea but also abroad, have you ever thought about why your fans like you so much?

A lot. I just don't understand. I'm not even popular among my friends... Why on earth?

Think of at least one thing.

Maybe it’s because I worked hard steadily? To be honest, during the past 10 years I have never not tried my best on stage. I can say this with confidence. I’m thankful to be able to do what I like as a job. I have told the members about this previously, I’m sorry for not being affectionate to fans onstage. It’s my nature so I can’t help it. But I have never been indifferent as a singer onstage, that is a fact.

Your bucket list that you surely want to achieve this year?

Being healthy mentally and physically. Since the members have started their solo activities this year, I think I should release an album as well.

Any words for the readers?

Everyone, I’m not saying this as a formal greeting but I really want to say thank you. Hmm… How should I put this? Don’t worry since we are not disbanding. That’s why I tried hard to release the digital single. Continuing on I’m going to try my best to do as much as I can. You might feel disappointed at times along the way, and I apologize in advance for that. But what I can promise is that I’m going to do my best. Thank you so much for supporting me for 10 years. You all know this already, but I’m not so good at things like sending hearts and saying thanks affectionately. I just want to speak sincerely. Thank you so much. I hope everyone will be more happy, not just because you like and support us… I could sound arrogant saying it like this but... I hope our fans are sturdy people who will find their own small sources of happiness in their daily lives even if that isn’t us. And I hope everyone is happy. I’m so thankful and I want to ask you to trust me.

Lastly let us know your future plans.

We will try our best to match our times and do GOT7, JJ Project and Jus2 etc. no matter what. Even if our times don’t match somehow, we’ll try our best to gather even 4 or 5 people and return, so don’t worry. And Dobby is free now. (Laughs). I will do my best in everything. I've made a lot of songs and I'm diligently working on songs right now too, so look forward to it. You’ll be able to listen to it soon. Thank you. This has been GOT7 JAY B. Please give lots of love to The Star’s April issue!

Translated by defdaily.

[letteredlettered]

How do you feel about JKR's recent public stance on trans issues? Assuming you don't approve, has it made it more difficult to work on your fanfiction?

To be perfectly honest, I don’t pay attention to JKR. I say this not to diminish the impact she has. When someone powerful speaks out against basic human decency, plenty of people don’t ignore it. That speech influences people, and that influence can cause behaviors--not to mention policies and institutions--that hurt others.

It’s important to consider the things authors say outside of their work in these terms--ie, whether we amplify an author’s opinions by celebrating their works. If we had known JKR was anti-trans in 1997, would boycotting her book have meant that JKR wouldn’t become a celebrity, thereby preventing another anti-trans voice from being prominently heard? I’m not sure any book is so important that we should give an author who is a bigot power by buying it.

There’s an argument for Death of the Author that goes like this: if we rejected all the art created by bigots, we wouldn’t have Little House on the Prairie, 1984, Star Trek, The Beatles, or Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Part of me thinks--so? What’s wrong with rejecting these works in favor of plenty of other works written by people who lived lives of advocacy, seeking equal rights for all?

What I think sometimes gets missed when advocating Death of the Author is the deeper argument about the fundamental way humans relate to literature. We don’t passively consume literature--we digest it. The parts of literature that we absorb and that stay with us are the parts that we connect to; the rest is waste we forget. And, because we are humans, when those parts stay with us we begin to shape them. They inform who we are and we inform what they are. We own them.

This is, in fact, a basic human skill. When a person communicates something to another, the listener selects the information that is important to them, rather than memorizing the whole story. The listener then uses the information to benefit themselves and their community. At this point, I would argue that the original teller ceases to be important. You, the listener, have created the story that you wanted and needed to hear. And when the listener becomes the teller, the communication is iterated according to what that person thought was important, and so on. The story passes from teller to listener, teller to listener, iterating each time, each listener creating a new story.

When you think about it, two inventions really solidified the idea that stories have owners. The printing press meant the original voice of the teller could be preserved, and the copyright meant that that original voice was sacrosanct. But neither invention changes the fundamental fact that when human hear stories, we internalize what is meaningful to us. We make them our own.

So, there’s an argument to be made about things like capitalism and copyright, how JKR owning Harry Potter means that celebrating and consuming her works can cause her to accrue wealth and power, thereby elevating her voice.

But there’s also an argument to be made for your story. I mean you, the person who is reading this. What you felt about Harry Potter, what you took away from it--that belongs to you. Whether JKR affects that reading of the text just depends on how you feel. If you’re able to ignore her, I support your embrace of the text whole-heartedly. If you’re not able to ignore her, I support your rejection of the text whole-heartedly.

I’d like to note that fanfic holds a special place in this discussion, because fanfic is a textual expression of that human impulse to internalize, own, and iterate a story. Many people have written about how fanfic is a way for minorities and underprivileged groups to find a sense of ownership in mainstream art--mainstream art, which usually perpetuates the marginalization and bigotry these groups experience.

There are some who argue that fanfic in fact reinforces mainstream marginalization and bigotry, whether consciously or unconsciously, by 1) elevating the original bigoted content, 2) repeating the same patterns of patriarchy and racism in the way people write. I would never deny that marginalization and bigotry occurs in fanfic writers, fandom communities,  in fanfic itself. However, I would still maintain that fanfic as a medium is a way for individuals to freely express interpretations of mainstream texts, which are--by nature of going through a publishing, marketing, and capitalist consumer system--inherently less egalitarian.

Therefore, while I do feel it is important to consider the platform we give some like JKR, I also do believe in Death of the Author. More specifically, I do believe in fanfic as a medium that gives people their own voices for stories about them and for them, and that therefore writing fic can be a cathartic way to write about something you love, even when something you love was created by a bigot.