#Time never began
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
Time is fractal
black sharpie and colored pencil
Rosemead 2010
Sometime around 2009 I learned how to draw a Sierpinski triangle. And then I spent the next couple of years obsessed. I mean days on end obsessed.
Chatress Seba - Om Shanti Om
black sharpie on board
Rosemead 2011
41 notes
·
View notes
Text
etho said actually you _don't_ understand the intricacies of how tango is my boyfriend and bdubs is my ex
(and how tango and bdubs kiss too)
Scar: We went on that little adventure, you know! Etho: Yeah, yeah, we had our adventure, that's true, that's true. Scar: You disparaged your teammates. That's it, all right, no more spoilers. Etho: (laughs) Our team has -- our team has some weird dynamics this -- this season. Cleo: (overlapping) Really, Etho? Is there trouble in paradise? (pause) Who's third-wheeling with you, again? I can't remember. Etho: (laughs) Uhh. The -- Cleo: Genuinely can't remember. I know it's you and Bdubs. And...Tango? Tango. Tango. Etho: (loudly) Why -- Why is Tango the third wheel? Why -- why isn't Bdubs the third wheel? Cleo: Because it's you and Bdubs. I'm sorry. I understand how that relationship goes. Etho: (dissatisfied) Hmm.
#why is this what makes me post again#tangtho#etho#ethoslab#tango#tangotek#tango tek#bdubs#bdoubleo100#bangtho#< saw that in etho's comments. and. yeah#also consider that tango and bdubs were together first this series and etho is the third wheel#to the fucked up love hate thing they have going on#there's never been something more appreciating and adoring BUT biting each other as tangdubs#goodtimeswithscar#hermitcraft s10#wild life smp#wild life smp spoilers#(Sorry but some people have ethubs blinders on but that's so much less interesting to me than the whole.#Yes bdubs is pathetic and will always be at etho's feet. and Yes etho will pity bdubs and want him protected.#but tangtho (!!!) has SO much more to play with...to Me.)#and Why is etho being a tango girl so under-noticed??? lmao. it's there to be noticed All the time#hot mic! hot mic!#but also lowkey dreading ep2 lmao#anyway I'll regret posting this lol#(also I see you asks in my inbox. sorry I haven't replied yet <3 re: s7 oh do I have thoughts! it's where it truly kinda began... I started#forming a reply to you back in May I think but I've been kinda averse to posting/participating in the fandom side for a while. sorry I#stopped being a good place for your tangtho snippets </3 I've still been watching and enjoying the streams and the tango etho joy continues#just haven't really felt like posting)
679 notes
·
View notes
Text
we truly regressed when people started buying into the genderbending is inherently transphobic thing. yeah that twelve year old being inquisitive and having fun on deviantart was your enemy all along.
#how did that even have a leg to stand on. when so many emerging trans folk literally began exploring gender because of it#ill never forget seeing a lone korean comment on fc2 under genderbend art talking about how they visit that picture every day after work#because it makes them feel understood#to even think of being beyond what you were born. in korea. my god i feel it in my spine just how lonely that ought to be#every time i see that rhetoric make rounds im reminded and equal amounts astounded#by how determined people are at making trans folk a monolith#and how there must be a Correct way to explore gender#if the discussion had stuck to the concept’s Capacity to be transphobic and not about inherently being so we’d have been better off.#& at the end of the day art shouldn’t always have to need such a disclaimer on selfhood to be worthy#in the same vein actors should not need to relinquish themselves to the public to act as a gay or trans character#I don’t know !#saw hatsune mikuo art in the year 2024 and the soul near jumped it’s been so long king 🙀#putting this in here because it’s sooort of art related no?#and people know where I stand on this so perhaps if anybody finds it uncomfortable they can gracefully disengage with me
877 notes
·
View notes
Text
"My friend, my partner… my Guardian."
#destiny#destiny 2#destiny the game#the final shape#the final shape spoilers#tfs spoilers#destiny art#bungie#the young wolf#hunter guardian#d2 ghost#fanart#it has been... eight hours since i did the final mission and my eyes are still tearing up every now and then :')#the finale was perfect for alfa and zeta - absolute perfect#i often make up small changes in the actual canon to fit their personalities better - not this time#I CANT WRITE TAGS WITHOUT TEARING UP DAMMIT#to think i first created alfa as a 'what if i make my hunter like alfarid from arslan senki but as exo'#but then she took so much from me i began to appreciate this side of myself#and zeta... what a grumpy little light w a big heart he came to be#my comics will never make justice to what they mean to me but here we are#THERE'S A LOT TO UNPACK ABOUT THIS DLC BUT IM OBSESSING OVER GUARDIAN/GHOST OKAY#anyway lemme write the alt already while i choke on coffee#cayde def is now everyone's guardian angel -ba dum tss-
1K notes
·
View notes
Text
as we enter the start of a semester and the dreaded Hour of Making Friends us upon us... if ur ever at a loss for what to say in one of those weird social situations where you only vaguely-know people, one of my favorite questions to ask is "what is your favorite food crime." a food crime is like the food combination that you love that other people find revolting. press them to take it further than pineapple on pizza, that's rote. food crimes is a good topic that has many benefits as it turns out all people are degenerates and also it will give you some cool ideas to try out later in the privacy of your own degenerate kitchen
the other good thing to ask is "okay but has anyone here ever been someplace haunted" bc it turns out if you ask most people directly they don't believe in ghosts, but many people are like "oh yeah i lived in a haunted house. ghosts aren't real tho"
#my food crime is that i regularly make a “pasta and tuna” situation that has somehow gotten even more evil and degenerate over time.#it is a ''white wine reduction'' (it's just white wine and garlic powder & seasoning)#and tuna from a can.#and plain pasta.#if i have the spoons i will actually chop garlic for it but this tends to be my comfort food for a REALLY bad day#bc its super easy to make:#boil pasta. drain. put into bowl for later. into same pot u used for pasta.#put tuna (with oil/water from can). let fry a little for like 2-3 min. put in whatever amount of wine. season to taste.#the tuna will get a little crisp on it which is nice. important side note:#this began as a Bolognese sauce.#and one day i had to sub for tuna. i know. not ideal. i cried about it too.#somehow over time it is now its own little evil thing. i would never make someone else eat it. it is beautiful.#but yeah i don't even stir the pasta in afterwards i just slap pasta into serving bowl#slap this ''''''sauce'''''''' on top#molto bene#(i really can cook fairly well btw. this is a food crime. not a suggestion of skill or ability)#(i LOVE baking but when i cook for myself. the autism is obvious. bc i just don't understand the point of most of the steps)#(.... i can just eat the deli meat out of the bag. it is protein. i don't even have to like it. i just have to eat enough calories.)#(also i used to cook MUCH more before this apartment which is so small that i can stretch my arms out and overreach the counter length.)#(.... i'm 5.2. so.)
2K notes
·
View notes
Text
Me, to my new date: doctor who thinks it's a sci-fi story because the Doctor thinks it's a sci-fi story and because the companions think it's a sci-fi story, but it's really just a story about ghosts. a story about an ancient creature carrying the ghosts of everyone they have ever loved, meeting new people, and seeing them only as future ghosts. they are haunted by the future and the past and the present because they are the only constant in a world constantly in flux, and they are running as fast as they can to things before they burn and fade to dust but everything will always end, you understand, because this is the only thing the Doctor understands and yet they keep going. they love too much to stop. doctor who is not science-fiction, it's horror and optimism and spiritual more than anything else, it's religious unto itself, the TARDIS is a haunted house and a church and a graveyard and a hospital and the Doctor is the most haunted being in the universe but more than anything, this is a love story, because how can you love something without being haunted by it- hey, what are you doing?
My date, shoving breadsticks in their purse: I have to go-
#more unhinged doctor who meta#doctor who#meta#*into a bullhorn* IT'S A GHOST STORY#ninth doctor#tenth doctor#eleventh doctor#doctor who meta#twelfth doctor#thirteenth doctor#it's abt the time war & dalek & the parting of the ways & doomsday & the last of the time lords & journey's end & angels take manhattan#it's about hell bent and death in heaven and the doctor falls and it takes you away and the woman who fell to earth#it's about the montage of all of the people the doctor has let down#it's about astrid peth and amy pond and rory williams and rose tyler and bill potts and clara oswald and grace o'brien#it's about gaps in memory and memories that live too long to ever heal#the doctor is a haunted house#it's a show about cycles by its very structure#the moment that regeneration became a mechanic for the writers to use and companions began to move out the doctor was DOOMED#but what makes them fascinating is that they see themselves as doomed and blessed at the same time#because they will never ever stop running#clara oswald#amy pond#rose tyler#bill potts#the ghosts are INEVITABLE
539 notes
·
View notes
Text
im so glad that we never get a clear picture of sophie’s background in leverage & i hope we never do. however i also really like making up various, often conflicting backstories for her in my head. perhaps they’re all backstories for an alias of hers, ones she laid to rest back in season two.
#leverageposting#leverage#sophie devereaux#particularly that one of or both her parents had to move around a lot for work & so she would change herself to fit in at every new school#or new town etc etc. and that whatever original identity she had was dropped due to some kind of really awful event and her bio family think#she’s dead. eg she got into some kind of extreme legal trouble for the first time & she faked her death & everyone she knew as a kid thinks#she’s dead too. like. astrid wasn’t the first person she left to miss/mourn her.#but also that she was a teen runaway at like age ~16 and pretended to be an adult (like. 18/19) cause theres not much you can do by yourself#as a minor like booking flights or renting an apartment. and so began her first proper alias. and she was a pickpocket until she could fund#her life fully through grifting & cons.#or alternatively her parents died when she was a teen & she was old enough to become an emancipated minor (everyone in lev is an orphan)#and she kind of just fell into crime from there bc she had no one#or perhaps she got married at 17 and realised how fucked it all was and stashed money until she could run away & leave it all behind. that’s#bc of a single vague sentence on john rogers’ blog saying she was married at 17 and in context it was quite possibly a joke or random#hypothetical example but i was like what if???? What If???????#i also like the hc that she’s trans which i’ve seen a few times#in some versions in my mind her parents were okay and in some versions they were awful and in some versions it was so complicated.#i think tara has heard one story and parker or hardison have heard another and nate has never heard any story. he’s never asked.#she is here now and that’s all that needs knowing. and sophie devereaux is her real name in any way it matters.#eliot has also never asked and she asked if he was curious once and he just asked if she was curious about What He Did and that was answer#enough for the both of them. just a mutual agreement not to ask and it actually solidified their bond.#i think she struggled for a long time about whether to tell her new family The Real Story but in much the same way we never hear her birth#name bc it’s not Her anymore… she never gives The Real Story. bc it no longer defines who she is. she’s so much more than whatever happened.#lvg
212 notes
·
View notes
Text
thinking abt merlin through the ages contending with the fact that arthur is still so present in the land. in mythology in legend in fairytales told to children in books and films and countless other forms of memory. throughout the world he is remembered still, and yes it isn't really him they're remembering, it's the legend of him, the myth, the heroic fool's gold shimmer of his legacy. but he's still here.
#bbc merlin#merthur#arthur pendragon#forever crazy abt these two. it's abt stories it's about narrative shapes it's abt the weight of legend! it's abt love reworking history!#it's abt the death of someone u loved being retold over and over and over down through centuries of time and never once losing its sting#it's abt fate! destiny! t h white's the once and future king being released in merlin's lifetime and disney making it into a film!#arthuriana AS A CONCEPT. merlin has to contend with arthur - his life his death his everything in between - being a whole area of study!#idk man i think we should have more conversations abt how insane merlin would be after 1500+ years. give me unhinged and borderline derange#NOT TO MENTION the morgana of it all!!! morgan le fay who in common legend SLEPT WITH ARTHUR and conceived mordred by him#who started that legend????????????? more importantly was merlin LIVING IN A CAVE when it began like ur telling me he didn't kill the guy?
106 notes
·
View notes
Note
Hey there! Do you perhaps have more Tempest and AJ stuff? Maybe some headcannons? You've planted worms into my brain
But wait, theres more!!
#basically the story goes#after the visit to the kirin village#aj kept in touch with autumn through letters and their romance slowly began to develop#after a while autumn came to ponyville because she never really ended up reacclimating to her village#and she wanted to learn more about ponies#applejack invited her to stay at the farm and things progressed from there#for aj and tempest#after the events of the movie twilight still wanted to keep an eye on tempest#and tempest still had a lot of anger for the way she had been treated by the world#so twi was like “hey aj do you want to help her work through her lingering rage through exercise and manual labor”#and aj was like “YES MA'AM I'LL TAKE THE HOT CHICK”#and proceeded to flirt with her for the entire time she was required to be on the farm#and then once her time was up tempest was like “you know... i could stay-”#and there ya go#tempest and autumn werent dating at first but that changed after a few months#art#digital art#mlp#fanart#mlp g4#mlp fanart#my little pony#mlp tempest shadow#tempest shadow#mlp tempest#tempestjack#autumnjack#tempestblaze#?#if tempestjack is a rare ship that one us even rarer
141 notes
·
View notes
Text
day 192
a break from artfight for some good news! i have finally scheduled a surgical consult to have my enemy (read: uterus) removed. this is a bit of a scarier prospect than my breast reduction was, but i think it will be an equally impactful quality of life improvement when all is said and done!!
anyway those of yall who have been here since the beginning may remember me posting through that whole process so i figure why stop now.
#day 192#year 5#it me#cw gore#cw blood#cw... anthropomorphic uterus?????#hysterectomy#anyway much like the tit surgery this is both gender affirming and ALSO fixing a health problem that has been gnawing at me for years#never been confirmed but we suspect i have pcos and the usual medication regimen for that hasnt been managing things very well#SO suffice it to say my periods are logistically and mentally extremely fucking difficult to manage#always have been but since my thyroid problems began about a decade ago they've become horrible AND unpredictable#frankly im fuckin sick of it and going on T for the 6 months i did gave me SUCH a nice break from it all#that as things have started back up it has been made EXTREMELY clear what a huge burden i have been dealing with this whole time#basically i dont want to go back on T right now im happy where im at. BUT. the thought of having to have periods like this#for like 20-30 more years is rapidly becoming un fucking bearable#SO. we yoink that thang asunder
116 notes
·
View notes
Text
DIABOLIK LOVERS DAYLIGHT Vol. 7 Mukami Ruki Animate Tokuten Drama CD: “Sleeping Together ★ With Vampire"
Audio
No, not that kind of sleeping together.
...And yet somehow not really the other kind either because despite it's title there is LITTLE TO NO SLEEPING TOGETHER GOING ON AT ALL except at the very end TᴖT TᴖT TᴖT My disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined.
Ok ok I'm obviously being overdramatic. Misleading name aside the CD is enjoyable and cute just...not at all in the way I was expecting (that being something akin to the Sleeping Vampire Scenario from Vandead Carnival but, alas, no). But oh well, I got to hear Ruki be all deredere towards the end so it's fine I guess lol
Ideally I'd create an actual translation to go along with this (I might do so sometime in the future, unless someone more competent does it first) but for now I've put a summary of the story under the cut. I ask that you please have mercy on me though, I am not used to writing this kind of stuff and it probably shows >﹏<;
Regardless, I hope you enjoy ( ノ^ω^)ノ ⋆⁺₊☽⁺₊⋆
UPDATE: The CD now has an actual translation courtesy of my fellow Ruki stan @otomehonyaku o(^o^)o please go check it out if you haven't already!
[Disclaimer: I always allow my stuff to be used for translation purposes, as long as I am credited. But please do not reupload the audio anywhere]
Summary ~*×*☆*+*~
[Please note that there may be mistakes or I might've misinterpreted parts of the CD. I apologize in advance (╥﹏╥)]
The CD starts with Ruki encountering Yui, who is carrying an unusually large package. Curious, Ruki asks her what she's doing, and learns that Kou has tasked her with delivering the package to him (Ruki). Ruki is somewhat perplexed as he doesn't recall requesting anything of the kind. Yui suggests that it might be a surprise gift, but Ruki is skeptical. He wants to ask Kou directly but is reminded that he is currently away on a location shoot. With a resigned sigh, Ruki decides that he has no choice but to open the package in Kou's absence. He asks Yui to hand the package to him, and then invites her to come along to his room to find out what's inside. She eagerly accepts, and they head off together.
In Ruki's room they take a seat (on what I assume to be the sofa) and open the package. Inside, there are various wooden pieces resembling parts of something, along with a letter from Kou. Ruki reads the letter aloud and it's revealed that the package contains a (*drumroll*)... puzzle! And not just any puzzle but a ✨️3D puzzle✨️. In the letter Kou encourages Ruki and Yui to assemble the parts together to discover what they will form. Since he's got spare time on his hands Ruki decides to have a go at it, with Yui joining in.
After a while of working on the puzzle, Ruki asks Yui how her part is coming along. She shows him, and he comments that she's doing better than he anticipated. He helps her out with some difficult pieces before instructing her to continue on her own. Yui asks Ruki if this is his first time putting together a 3D puzzle, and he replies that he's tried some before, but that this particular type is new to him. Yui is eager to learn what it is they are building, and Ruki, not wanting to dampen her anticipation, pretends he still can't quite figure out what the finished thing will be either (awww ♡). Ruki suggests that rather than moving their mouths they should focus on moving their hands as with their current pace the puzzle won't be finished. He reasons that the faster they move the sooner they'll have their curiosity satisfied. Yui agrees to work faster and Ruki promises to do the same.
They pick up the pace and eventually the puzzle is done. The assembled pieces have formed a small foreign castle, and Ruki reveals that he suspected as much from the start. He surmises that Kou must have remembered their expressed desire to visit such a castle after seeing one by chance on one of his TV shows. Ruki acknowledges Kou's attempt to make the two of them happy in his own way. He praises Yui for doing a great job despite not knowing what they were actually assembling, noting that the part she made fits perfectly into the castle.
However, there is no response from Yui, causing a puzzled (ahaha) Ruki to remark on her lack of reaction to something she had been so excited about. Turning his head to the side to look at her, Ruki discovers that she's fallen asleep with her head resting on his shoulder. He comments on the privilege of such a sleeping position but acknowledges that it's understandable she'd fall asleep since it's past their usual bedtime. She had seemed so engrossed in their work that he didn't notice her drifting off.
Ruki carries Yui to his bed and gently places her there, saying that she should have just told him that she was tired. He realizes that she likely made an effort to stay awake until the end, though she ultimately fell asleep. Deciding that it would be a good time for him to go to sleep as well, he tidies up and hides the little castle under the table, so that he'll be able to see Yui's reaction to it in the morning.
Returning to the bed, Ruki asks Yui to scoot over to make room for him, but she's sleeping too soundly to hear. He lies down next to her and (in true Mukami Ruki fashion) begins observing Yui's sleeping face. He notes how relaxed her expression is and wonders if it's because she's tired out from using her brain (lmao rude). Ruki then ponders what kind of face Yui will make when she wakes up—will she feel guilty for falling asleep before the puzzle was finished, or will she be surprised and embarrassed to find him laying next to her? Regardless of what her reaction will be, Ruki knows that it'll be enjoyable to witness. But he's certain she'll be happy once she sees the completed puzzle and admits to himself that he really wants to see that expression on her face. He's aware that it's out of character for him, and thinks that he might even have trouble falling asleep from the excitement (asdfsdjfj this is too fucking cute I can't)
Ruki decides that he should thank Kou for the useful gift by making him his favorite food for dinner tomorrow. The mention of dinner causes Yui to stir (what a relatable Queen), and Ruki teases her for being greedy. He assures the still-sleeping girl that she doesn't need to worry; he'll make her favorite dish as well as a reward for her hard work on the puzzle.
The CD ends with Ruki saying how he looks forward to seeing Yui's reaction the following day.
Fin ~*×*☽*+*~
- _(´ω`_)⌒)_
#watch me develop diabetes from this CD#that's a sentence i never thought i'd type when i began my dialovers journey aha#diahell#dialovers#diabolik lovers#daylight#audio#diabolik lovers drama cd#ruki x yui#daylight ruki x yui#ruki mukami#yui komori#mine#and with this i've listened to all but two of ruki's CDs#which pleases the completionist in me but also makes me a bit...well sad tbh#i guess ill just miss the thrill and anticipation of hearing a ruki CD for the first time (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ)#but aah i don't even know if i'll ever get my hands on those CDs so i don't have to stare blankly at the ceiling just yet ahahahagjhdgd#changing the subject here but i think we should include “staring at his sleeping gf” on the list of ruki's hobbies#i feel like he does this so frequently that it'd be justified#some might find it creepy that he does that but idk i think it's kind of endearing just how much he adores yui's expressions?#anyway i'll finally shut up now and take a long break from looking at any screens otherwise my eyes will malfunction
90 notes
·
View notes
Text
Mystery and manifestation
Black sharpie on paper
Los Angeles 2022
Mystery and manifestation
arise from the same source.
This source is called darkness.
- Lao Tsu
Zero 7 - Warm Sound
#drawing#pen drawing#illustration#abstract expressionism#Tào te ching#Lao Tsu#natural beauty#Art#artists on tumblr#Time never began
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
here together
#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#lobotomy corp spoilers#lobotomy corporation spoilers#abram lobcorp#i didnt know that the song that plays during day 48 ending is called 'here together'.#couldnt hear it well because i typically have my sound low (sensetive to louder sounds) and also the dialog fucked me up#so when i pressed on it to hear it. to actually listen to it. then to see the name and remember what it Looked like#i got teary eyed. sorry.#it happened quite. afew times when finishing this shitty thing#i was thinking of how camren's not quite corpse looked as if it were reaching out to him inside the container#how it looked as if she had wings. abrams words. the line from one story that was--#something like 'we were hoping it was just one big prank and she would hop out fro. around the corner with a smile on her face'#how do you move forward when all you think you cause is pain? when everything else youve done only brought to bring people you love to thei#downfall and demise inside agony and fear as they lay dying. none of that was merciful. none of that was just. they were told to carry on#her dream and he views as if all he had done was to become cruel and wasnt fit and never even began to finish what she started.#it was so striking to me. the language he used. sleeping. alseep. waken. when all the others never sugarcoated it#in lobcorp they always said it straight. 'suicide' 'killed' 'dead'. but he used something far more.. peaceful? kind in wording in a way.#softer. describing death as if it were a merciful thing. an end that suits them and not something to be afraid of. to just... sink. to slee#to be with carmen again. to put everything to an end#the place they built with their hands. to have it just... stop. not in a way of repeating and staying in the moment#but of a permanent end. to 'sleep'. to die. to just.... stop. forever. to see no more. to do no more#to not be able to do Anything for when ever he had done Something it just cause agony. cruel hands partaking in acts he so deeply#regrets. everything is just regret. it sounds nice. to move on. to just move forward. but how can you move forward when all you think you#bring to those you cherished and couldnt leave behind is pain?#ill likely move this somewhere else as well. ive been meaning to talk about abram#the rest as well actually. mostly just the few final days w abel adam and abram since i am STUCK ON DAY 49#oh dear i uh typed a lot in the tags. oops
33 notes
·
View notes
Text
slowly but surely… 😔🥀🥀 another wip of my wintersberg piece
#trained so well in the gym yesterday that my whole body now hurts... i added weight to a lot of exercises#and yesterday i did a deep push-up from knees for the first time!! i did push-ups right to the floor! i've never been able to do this before#bc i've always had weak arms but the exercises in the gym helped me achieve this i was so glad 😭😭😭#although my right hand with suspected carpal tunnel syndrome was unhappy 😵💫😵💫 it began to hurt... but!! if usually it can hurt for#half a day after push-ups then this time it was for only a minute - exercises with an expander helped me! i do it for a two weeks now almost#everyday. i'm so glad that exercise is effective in my life and has a positive effect on my health. i really like to do this#train thinking about my favorite imaginary men thinking “i want to be like them” lol 😭😭#and listening to either a bimbo playlist or some hard rock where they yell in your ears ahaha nothing in between#0039pf shitposts#wintersberg#re8#karl heisenberg#resident evil#re8 heisenberg
64 notes
·
View notes
Text
Okay, probably not a hot take, but imma scribble about it anyway,
I honestly think Cale Hetinuse/Kim Rok Soo has chronic pain/fatigue.
Like, everybody loves the whole coughing up blood/wet meow meow thing he's always doing, but personally? People who are that nonchalant about Shit Happening To Their Body, are typically people who are waaaaay too used to Fucked Up Shit Happening To Their Body,
It's just a head canon, but as someone who is chronically in pain, I absolutely do some of the stupid shit CH/KRS does, like carrying stuff I should NOT be carrying, or continuing to Do Things even when I should be sitting and resting. I also know several people who (like me) can be experiencing level 4-5 pain and not show a hint on their face/through their actions besides maaaaybe moving a bit slower/stretching more
And we know KRS has been on his own since he was itty bitty... And then he grew up in a world hell bent on killing everyone. I can't help but think that a tiny child with no one to help him with the general cuts/bruises/little hurts of childhood would 1) have zero frame of reference for what "okay" actually looks like 2) probably has never really received medical care beyond emergency assistance (which does jack for chronic conditions) and 3) has NEVER really had someone in his life long enough for them to catch his way of coping with pain (my very close friends can hear when I'm hurting/tired, everyone else only notices if I am visibly incapacitated)
So, Kim Rok Soo ends up in a world/body that "technically" hasn't experienced his life, HOWEVER fibromyalgia and PTSD are like goddamn pb&j. It's a condition that is deeply tied to a body's stress response. And what does Cale say once he has the Heart? "I feel BETTER"
And that just speaks to me of a person who is so used to pain, that it no longer really registers... I had daily headaches for 7 years, it wasn't until I moved and got a new primary that I found out that more than 4 headaches in a month was considered a concern... I got on some migraine meds and actually stopped having that daily headache, something id just accepted as "how my body works" gone,
I personally don't consider pain at a 1-2 as particularly bothersome, it's more like a general annoyance. Onces it's up to 6-7 it's hard for me to move, and yet I often will still do so, despite the pain. It's only at 9-10 so I stop moving entirely and focus on just weathering it. Usually when that happens, I sleep so much after as my body tries to recover.
And when I read Cale, so casually continuing forward, despite the work he takes on himself, after the constant planning and prepping and ass kicking, all I see is a person who has lived so long with his body's suffering that it's just background noise. Yeah, he coughed up some blood, but the pain is back to "normal" so how can he raise a fuss? He killed 3 monsters with a dislocated shoulder that one time, this? This is easy. And despite claiming his body is weak, he refuses to truly accept the help and rest he needs because (like I used to) Cale thinks "this is just how my body works"
Sometimes, I cannot remember how I lived prior to my pain. Sometimes, I cannot imagine a world where I do not spend half the night attempting to force my muscles to relax, so I can actually sleep. I cannot imagine a world where I am able to do everything I want in a day and not collapse at the end. And I see so much of myself in how Cale continues to move despite the weight of the ancient powers, the expectations of the gods and his own personal hopes. He seems like a character doomed to continue walking, his bones broken but refusing the care because whats the point if everything still hurts the same way in the end?
Anyway, Raon should invent a cure for chronic illness and force Cale into a year long sabbatical
#trash of the count's family#lout of the count’s family#cale henituse#kim rok soo#listen okay#i am at the grocery store cafe sitting trying to recover enough to grab my 5 things and drive home#i am exhausted enough that i think i may end up in bed the minute i walk back inside my house#never have i wanted more to be able to teleport#and thus I began thinking about The Blorbo and realized... shit i am being kinda stupid#and it IS okay for me to just ficking go home and get stuff another day#i dont have to try and cram 15 things into one thing#one thing is plenty#and thus i felt like rambling about said blorbo as encouragement#but very seriously as a chronic illness girlie CH/KRS is One Of Us#i have declared him a spoonie who is in massive denial and i will not be taking any questions#load that boy down with whatever ails you#he probably has it#eventually i will expound on my Han Yoojin's leg is still fucked up but he's hiding it essay#however rn is goal: get fucking home time
31 notes
·
View notes
Text
batman confidential #1
[ID: Alfred Pennyworth walking down the stairs into the Batcave—where Bruce Wayne sits in the dark and in his costume with the cowl pulled down. Alfred announces, “Coffee, eggs benedict and The Daily Planet, Master Bruce. I took the liberty of presuming you would be taking breakfast in the cave this morning.” Alfred sets the tray down on a nearby table as Bruce silently holds a gun up without looking at him, his finger still on the trigger. Alfred gasps, “Master Bruce? That gun, is it...?” He trails off but Bruce speaks up. “The one he used. That night. On them. I took it from the G.C.P.D. evidence depository last year... there was nothing more they could learn from it.” Bruce unloads it, letting a bullet clank to the desk before he picks it up and stares somberly at it. Alfred stiffens up as he asks, “I see. And what precisely did you hope to achieve by stealing your parents' murder weapon, if may be so bold as to inquire...? Beyond an increased capacity for morbid introspection, that is.”
Bruce elaborates, “He fired two rounds. 117-grain hollowpoints... twenty-five cents apiece from any gun store. Is that all their lives were worth, Alfred? Fifty cents of ammunition...? He left four rounds in the clip, one in the breech, dropped it and ran—afraid to finish what he started. And I just stood there. Helpless.” Alfred tells him, “The good your parents did lives on, Master Bruce. And I, for one, am glad he left those final rounds in the gun. I happen to believe the world is better served for having you in it.” Bruce still doesn't look at Alfred or acknowledge the kind statement. He'll go on to explain that a young mother was murdered while he was on patrol and that he blames himself for not preventing it. END ID]
#SORRY JUST THINKING ABOUT THIS AGAIN AND BRUCE BEING SO AGGRESSIVELY BUT PASSIVELY SUICIDAL...#sitting alone in the dark thinking about the deaths he couldn't prevent. thinking about a child who will never know their mother because he#couldn't save her in time (but he did save the baby but thats not enough; itll never be enough.#he doesn't celebrate the victories on account of always mourning the failures)#holding a gun—THAT gun—and thinking his life is worth less than 25 cents of ammunition. that it still is.#blaming himself for his parents murders for so long that it carries to every stranger. he holds them all in his stupid bleeding heart.#alfred saying hes GLAD bruce wasnt murdered and all bruce can think is what use is he if he cant prevent others deaths?#why was he spared but his parents werent? they were helping the city but ‘how can i make a difference when all i do is mop up bloodstains?’#AND!!!! JUST HIM HAVING THE GUN!!!! HE STOLE IT WHEN HE BEGAN BEING BATMAN AND ALFRED NOT KNOWING ABOUT IT!!!!???!!!!#HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE SAT IN THAT DARK CAVE JUST HOLDING IT AND FEELING THE WEIGHT OF IT THAT GETS HEAVIER AND HEAVIER WITH EACH FAILURE?#HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DEBATED USING IT ON HIMSELF? IF GOTHAM WOULD BE BETTER FOR IT?#JUST!!!!! BRUCE !!!!!!!!!!#happy sad boy sunday !!!#<- it's wednesday.#c: batman confidential | i: 1#crypt's panels#bruce wayne#alfred pennyworth#alfred & bruce#bruce & guns
105 notes
·
View notes