#This is not how I want Odazai to go down

[foulfettedone]

Oh yeah. NO way Dazai is dead. For one thing, he can't die until he commits his dream of a romantic lover's suicide. And he's either A) gonna be roped unceremoniously into that with CHUUYA or B) Oda is gonna be there to undeath him somehow LOL....? Honestly, I think Asagiri has a lot of potential to be a BETTER writer than he is exhibiting I'd argue as early as like the 50ish chapter mark. It's clear his head is not really with these characters or even the story, at least, if it is, he's got a bang up job of showing it. Besides butchering potentially impactful character development in favor of fast paced terrible humor/action/lazy VERBAL exposition dumping, he reduces a lot of really interesting characters to terrible cliches or even worse, just bad characters in general. I won't even get started on how he's butchered Ougai Mori's character. He definitely butchered Oda, Gide, Kunikida, Chuuya, OUR OWN BABY BEAN ATSUSHI...and plenty of others though that I could seriously write an essay on but won't here. What I'm trying to say is, yes, that bitch ain't dead. YOU CAN'T KILL SATAN. (Jk, I know he's not the Devil, but boy does he try to act like a little piece of c: right Shite.) I have a whole fanfiction dedicated to deconstructing the Canon Bungou world because it just pAINS ME PHYSICALLY to see the direction he's taken the plot, the characters, and just overall, broken and is still breaking his OWN established RULES of the WORLD & the Book. I mean, damn. Anyhow, it's so obvious he's gonna use YOSANO, so ya. I guess what I'm trying to say is...

yeah, dude I totally agree :'D And I love reading your theories.

dazai is totally alive because asagiri didn’t milk the angst of him dying NEARLY enough. like. you think this man wouldn’t throw in some “odasaku, i’ll see you on the other side” type shit???? and this is just such a weak and unsatisfying way to end both dazai’s arc and soukoku’s story. forget about the logistics of him dying for like 2 seconds and think about how much sense it would make for a fabulous storyteller and writer liek asagiri to kill him off like this. he’s going to be alive next chapter trust🙏🙏

[hannigramislife]

Question: What's your opinion on all Dazai ships? I personally think that literally everyone could do better <3

Omgg anon, I love this ask so goddamn much!! Okay, let's get into it-this is gonna be long.

Two things before I continue. One, I'm a Hannigram fan, make of that what you will. Secondly, shipping does not mean "oh, these two are definitely canon, they have feelings for each other," shipping has always meant "I love their dynamic and can see a world where it could be romantic." That's why we have more than one.

Soukoku (Dazai/Chuuya) - Obviously this was gonna be my first choice to start this conversation. I think that soukoku is textually supported. I'm sorry, but there's just some things you don't write if you don't want people to ship two characters. These two are written for each other, therefore a perfectly valid ship. I myself do not ship skk, don't care about them as a ship at all, but I can certainly see the appeal. They have a history, and they're now on opposite sides, but still every bit the lethal team-up. I don't get the emotional side of it though – they inspire no such feeling in me, and I do believe Chuuya could definitely do better XD

Kunizai (Kunikida/Dazai) - This one I actually like quite a lot. I don't necessarily ship them in canon, but I believe they're good for each other. Kunikida with his rigidness and morals and Dazai with his carelessness and disaster that seems to follow him. I also like how Kunikida has a book where he jots down the best way to live, and Dazai has a book he carries around on how to die. I believe they're very different, but the sincere trust and care they have for each other, as well as the easiness of their partnership is something they both rely on and need. 10/10 ship.

Dazatsu (Dazai/Atsushi) - The age gap here is the biggest problem for people from what I've seen, but I don't think this is a proship or a bad ship that should be discouraged. Again, I don't ship it, but I feel it's perfectly fine if you do? "Oh, there's a power imbalance-" bitch, what power imbalance?? Like, you do know they're coworkers, right? Yes, Dazai saved him and Atsushi is grateful, but Atsushi is not stupid or blindly devoted or whatever. What he is, is mentally ill, but then again, so is Dazai, and if you think Dazai would take advantage of him, then that says more about Dazai as a character than it does the ship itself. Atsushi could definitely do better, and to me, that better is Akutagawa XD

Morizai (Mori/Dazai) - Well, I don't think I have any thoughts on this, other than the obvious ones. Dazai was a child in the Mafia, and they do seem to have a more guardian/ward relationship, fucked up as it is. Mori was definitely at least mentally and emotionally abusive to Dazai, from what we've seen. I don't think anyone would actually ship this? Unless you're talking purely fanfic scenarios. In this case, Dazai could do better. So yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and "nope" this.

Odazai (Oda/Dazai) - Now listen. Again, I don't ship this (I don't know if I ship anything that has Dazai, I hate the man), but if you think Oda and Dazai had a father/son relationship, you're delusional. Dazai cared so much for Oda, and upon reading Beast, I refuse to believe there was no universe where Dazai developed feelings for him. I think of them every time I listen to any Adele songs. "Them" being their Beast version. I'm so serious. This is a valid ship far as I'm concerned.

Dazaku (Dazai/Akutagawa) - This one is a ship that I get so riled up about. Because of the fandom. I honestly never gave this ship a second thought until I saw how hated it was. Then, I realized it's hated for all the wrong goddamn reasons. I don't ship it, because I hate Dazai on principle, but sometimes, I feel like I'm shipping it out of spite. It's like people can't make up their minds about the dynamic of these two. When you want to say Dazai abused Akutagawa, they'll be like "Oh, Dazai was a child, too!" Then you say they both grew and are healing – and maybe Dazai cared after all? – and it's all "You can't ship him with his abuser!" Well, which is it now? Is Dazai a bad guy still? Is it so wrong to want Dazai to care? To imagine Dazai pulling Akutagawa into the light with him? When people vehemently hate on this ship, I take that to mean "Yeah, Dazai is the worst, how could you ship Akutagawa with him?" Which, great take, I'm all for that. This ship is overhated in my opinion. Both Dazai and Akutagawa are two important pillars of what makes Bsd what it is. Their relationship is complicated and messy and important – so yeah, I'm not surprised people would ship this. Sometimes, toxic yaoi is where it's at, and you just wanna fix them. Akutagawa can DEFINITELY do better.

Souheki (Dazai/Ranpo) - I think they're besties. Absolutely nothing romantic here for me. I cannot see it, but I love them both, so I'd read fics at least. They're both geniuses who hold deep respect for each other. They may be able to understand each other much quicker and on a deeper level than other people, but I think they'd be a disaster if they were to date. Absolutely not. Plus, I'm a huge Ranpoe fan, so I'm biased.

Fyozai (Fyodor/Dazai) - They have a lot of tension, I'll give them that. They're two pretty, genius bitches playing 3 dimensional chess while everyone else plays checkers. Plus, being on opposite sides?? I can appreciate some enemies to lovers when I see it. I think if I were Fyodor, I'd definitely be interested in this young man who can match my intellect even as I've been alive since Jesus Christ was born. Also, don't ask me why, but they feel so gay when they're together – just, not for each other? I think in a no powers au, they'd definitely experiment together lmao. So, valid ship in-universe? I'm going to allow it. They could both do better.

Sigzai (Sigma/Dazai) - I don't know how this ship got popular?? I mean, sure?? Great ship?? Genuinely don't know what to say. I mean, they're there and they're both pretty?? I guess? Honestly, Sigma reminded me of Akutagawa, it was kinda funny to see. But go off XD??

I think that was it, lemme know if I forgot any major ships!

[kyouka-supremacy]

Dazai?

Eheh Dazai

Favorite thing about them: I really like how as a character he was able to deeply touch so many people!! Seeing so many people finding relief in being able to relate to and emphasize with the character makes me happy.

Least favorite thing about them: I mean, his personality? I don't like how his many flaws are written to be interpreted as strong points / good traits for his character to the point no flaw is actually a flaw, it makes the reading experience very frustrating for me.

Favorite line:

brOTP: Mmmmhh, I don't spend a lot of time thinking about Dazai. Soukoku, probably. The Buraiha trio makes me emotional a little. Souheki, but in a very passive-aggressive, over-competitive, one-sided rivality, can't-stand-each-other way. Dazai and Kyouka. Dazai and Atsushi too I suppose, though I prefer them romantically. I think he makes for a lot of interesting dynamics with virtually all the characters, but none compells me in particular tbh.

OTP: Odazai is plain canon to me, idk what to tell you. I think they make for a beautiful, tragic love story. Get you a man who is willing to change the path of his whole life for another man just like that, nobody does it like them (actually, wait, I can think of another man... ). Although I always distantly liked them, dazatsu has grown on me like, an INSANE amount in the last few months. I'm not sure what happened. I think it was an unfortunate (lol) coincidence of growing a little fonder of Dazai and just wanting to give more space and agenda to Atsushi. Like to me a lot of what dazatsu is really is about giving Atsushi more agency and autonomy and independence and overall just respecting him as a complex, full fleshed out character. I don't see ANY kind of power imbalance in it I keep finding people talk about. Dazai pushes Atsushi to be better every day, and Atsushi does exactly the same for Dazai. Atsushi admires and respects Dazai, and Dazai admires and respects Atsushi equally. I really don't know why the ship isn't more popular and instead just gets discarded most of the time tbh. I feel like everyone should sit down a second and actually give Atsushi the dignity to choose for himself. And fyozai!!! The investment in this ship mostly goes on waves for me but despite that I firmly believe that they really make for an engaging and interesting dynamic to be interpreted romantically. The epitome of “You're both just enabling each other's mental illnesses. You're both perfect for each other. Never change. Just never involve anybody else in what you've got going on.”

nOTP: Nothing comes to my mind.

Random headcanon: Not canon related, but in modern aus I feel like he'd be one to always end up working at ceo roles and he would HATE it. He fires himself and starts working at some cheap frozen yogurt place and one month later he'll find himself as the ceo of the most important oil company of the country AGAIN without him even realizing it / despite his active efforts to avoid that. And he HATES IT. He fires himself again but the loop only repeats forever. He's just that kind of person for whom all doors open automatically.

Unpopular opinion: ............ I could be here forever. I regretfully fail to relate to a lot of characterization / readings of the character I've seen the fandom give him. I really don't want to dwell on this so I'll just mention something mostly unrelated to his characterization: I wholly can't share the take of him being physically built like??? At all??? Which got REALLY popular a few months ago. Dude feels like he never lifted a finger his whole life, I really don't know where the idea comes from???? And I personally don't take his manga visual portrayal as a telling factor for this; pretty much all the characters have the same body type, it's impossible for me to base the buff Dazai assumption on how he's drawn in the manga. Just one thing about his chracter though stop making him matchmaker for ss/kk he really isn't stop don't do it please

Song i associate with them: HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE associating him with my favourite vocaloid song ever but. Meltdown by iroha is a very Dazai song. So many other songs though... Parade of Liars by ryo. Abstract Nonsense by Neru. God-ish by Pinocchio-P. So on and so forth.

Favorite picture of them:

Favourite panel from the manga:

Favourite illustration:

Favourite illustration in the anime art style:

Favourite Mayoi card:

Send me a character?

[poseremo]

okay it's not working in the tags so i'm greentexting this.

>be me, just got into bsd, likes soukoku >have a mutual who doesn't like skk but i don't let it bother me >one day mutual posts "why do ppl ship soukoku and odazai i genuinely want to know" >go into their anons to explain >say shit about how dazai and chuuya clearly don't actually hate one another and their trust and deep understanding of one another makes for an interesting ship dynamic. literally soukoku 101 no one can argue against this bc it's just canon. >they answer. it's a whole paragraph that boils down to "no you're wrong." >wtf.jpg >go back to anons to counterargue their points and clarify a bit more. >"no you're wrong." again. >face palm.jpg

okay this format's getting tedious and there's still more. basically this whole time they were also arguing about odazai. and instead of bringing up the 5 1/2 YEAR AGE GAP BETWEEN ODA (23) AND DAZAI (18), DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CLAIMED?? "if you read the dark era light novel it's very clear that oda actually loathes dazai and finds him annoying and doesn't like being around him." ..... HELLO??? i just straight up gave up after that i sent one last anon like "okay we clearly have irreconcilible ideas about this so i'm not gonna argue anymore bye" and blocked them because what were they on. actually what were they on??? THEY WERE STRAIGHT UP DENYING CANON LIKE BRO THAT'S NOT EVEN POOR MEDIA LITERACY THAT'S JUST INCORRECT. THAT'S JUST WRONG.

and yeah the kicker of all this was they were really into shin soukoku.

[asturlavi]

oh boy, do i have wonderful beast oda/odazai info for you all since this may just be my favorite chapter in all of beast. it clarified a lot about oda's state in this au, and how sad it truly is, especially with all that dazai has done to ensure that oda's safety is certain

before i start, this was initially intended to be a quirky little twitter thread that’s supposed to be kicked off with a badly drawn doodle of something meme. the thread was supposed to be about how wonderfully dumb odasaku can be and how annoyingly frustrating dazai is in the latest beast chapter... and then it slowly devolved into a crudely written essay about small discoveries i’ve made that most likely haven’t been pointed out before, so i recommend that anyone interested in either oda or odazai to check this out 

so i finally got around to reading the new beast chapter and seeing how odasaku constantly devalues himself and finds that he's lesser than the average person is… sad. its been said that him and ranpo are the stars of the ada, every mission trivial with their cooperation, and yet he doesn't see any of that. thinks he struck luck when it came to his entrance exam, which he specifies that it wasn't as a result of his own skills. his inferiority complex is embedded so deep that despite his achievements, he doesn't at all believe he has any worth as a human.

i'm just a tired, ordinary man like you could find anywhere. a third-rate detective, as unexceptional as a fallen cigarette butt on the road.

and his entrance exam was just like dazai's: the azure messenger case, which we all know wasn't at all a walk in the park. one mistake, and it would spell disaster for the city that the ada was trying to protect. no--not just the city, it would also mean the end of the ada as we know it. despite it all, he resolved it much to his own surprise, and it was all thanks to an "unexpected" gift. and that gift? who would it be other than from dazai himself? 

beast light novel ch. 3

(also, this is a shaky claim at best but I feel as if oda fully holds the capabilities to solve the case alone, but dazai knew that with odasaku's persistent feelings of self-doubt, along with his lack of some of the vivacity that dazai held to weasel his way through to information, the outcome of success wouldn’t be guaranteed. and so, dazai lent him something to ensure his success)

and yet, oda is blind to see truly how much intellect and skill he possesses. he doesn't realize how integral he was to the quest of the azure messenger, doesn't acknowledge that without him these orphans would have either slipped into a life of crime, gone to a downtrodden orphanage, or simply passed away, and he doesn't know that despite it all, he's one of the purest characters in the story, even with the darkness that will forever cling to him, a reminder of the violence that marred his past.

not to mention that oda, in one way or another, effectively analyzed the current situation that they're stuck in. he noted that if things currently go the way they're going, no matter what akutagawa achieves, him and his sister are doomed. so, oda brilliantly decided to go after the port mafia itself to prepare for this possibility, and it's nothing short of genius. and dazai plays along with this… because it is oda, after all. 

and everything dazai did, everything he sacrificed, it was all for oda.

now to the underlying tragedy of this chapter. take a look at this panel: 

ever since then, i've been making a living by solving requests that come to the detective agency.

i provide for the orphans

i drink coffee.

i gamble a bit on days off.

at night, i write a novel in the kitchen. 

that's my life.

nothing unusual, right? you'd think that odasaku was satisfied with life, since he has everything he had ever wished for. but in all actuality, he still lacks one important thing.

and that's friendship.

his words sounded so… empty. achieving ones dreams is but one aspect of life that brings one gratification, but doesn't necessarily mean it would guarantee lasting happiness. (think of famous actors or celebrities that spiral into depression even after they've achieved their dreams).

in that panel, he says he cares for the orphans, gambles, and writes alone in his spare time, but not a word of spending time with friends… something he had in the root universe, something that was lost to him in this one.

and he says this all with his face blacked out, as if he's somewhat implicitly dissatisfied (while the kid's faces are present, not at all concealed).

with dazai, he found peace in a place where peace is rare to find. They both completely put their guard down with each other around, and dazai can relax his overly speculative mind with oda. and they understood each other, a level of understanding rare to come by. dazai with his dark jokes easily flies past oda's ears because that's what they are, harmless jokes. and oda with his blunt honesty, which dazai cherishes and never prods him for it.

dazai also saw things in oda that oda was blind to. dazai saw a world of beauty in oda, the ray of light beneath a cloudy sky. he saw both intelligence and wisdom, kindness and generosity. and most of all, he trusted oda, despite dazai’s natural inclination to distrust.

and what oda saw in dazai was vulnerability. despite the front that dazai puts, he can be kind, even empathetic, when the situation calls for it. dazai once gave akutagawa a decision to turn his back against dazai’s offer to join the port mafia, when logic points to the fact that he didn't have to, but wanted to.

dazai also consistently gives atsushi words of advice and shows understanding when dazai was under no obligation to, such as atsushi facing the loss of his previous caretaker. dazai gave atsushi genuine advice, not laced with any malice or ill intent. dazai had even left atsushi to grieve alone, fully understanding that atsushi needed to pour his emotions out in private. there’s more than enough instances of dazai showing this side of himself in both the light novels and manga, but it seems to sometimes be brushed aside. even though the main cast of characters always dismissed this side of dazai, oda has always known that this side of dazai was his truest self.

oda and dazai also talked endlessly about trivial things, calling each other daily for two hours for no reason other than that they each enjoy one another's company. it's pure, wholesome love. they had a mutual trust and understanding between one another, which ango, another friend of theirs, severely lacked in his friendship with them.

oda's dream was to write, gone unfulfilled in the root universe, but he died happily knowing that the one he cares for is living in the path of light. dazai's was to find a reason to live, which he found in oda, and continues to use this as motivation long after oda passed.

in beast, dazai's dream was cut short, ultimately leading to his demise at the end. after all, his one reason to live is now robbed from him. however, oda's dreams have become a reality, but can one really say he achieved happiness? he has the orphans, his children, but they will never understand him like dazai had. he has peace, but is it the form of peace he wanted? spending time alone, on things like gambling, while endlessly mulling how he has no one to spend this time with?

and writing, his one true wish that dazai made absolutely sure to make a reality. but was it worth it, at the cost of a friend who brought happiness and reprieve when everyone else failed to?

i thought of this tale as a matter of equivalent exchange, you lose one life in exchange for another. the scales do remain somewhat balanced, but not over a matter of lives. it's over a matter of personal sacrifices, ones only known to us readers.

and i say "somewhat" because in the root universe, dazai remembered oda when he was alive, so well that dazai can recall memories to near perfection. but oda had completely forgotten dazai in beast, chasing after absent memories and deluding himself into thinking his life is perfect, while numbing himself from the aching hole of loneliness that consumes him inside.

also, oda is surely happy spending time with the children, but what about his lonesome hours? who is he going to spend that time with, in a world without dazai, the only person who understood him and his oddities?

ah, and remember this moment in the root universe? 

now, take a look at this again. no, look closer 

odasaku wasn’t merely gambling for the sake of it, he was gambling on a horse race. and before dazai was arrested in the root universe, he was seen doing just that. 

now, why would odasaku do this? he surely doesn’t seem the type to gamble away his money on something as silly as horse races, because what does someone gain while they pour their money into something so senseless? 

and the only reason i could arrive to is that dazai must have dragged him along to one. dazai is a port mafia executive, with more money than he knows what to do with and a boatload of depression. money probably disinterests him as much as life does, and he used gambling to kill two birds with one stone: ridding of money he doesn’t need, and distracting him from his boredom (and depression). 

and it doesn’t end there. remember when dazai in dead apple had visited bar lupin to pay his regards to odasaku, while reliving a pleasant memory dazai had with him? and he did this because he was preparing for a quest that may result in with the loss of his life, psyching himself up for what’s to come. this is probably bordering on speculation, but i believe that that’s precisely what he did once again in the horse races. dazai paid a visit to a place that oda and him had frequented, to prepare for another dangerous quest. 

also, note that immediately after exiting bar lupin in dead apple, dazai was confronted by ango, which kicked off the start of dazai’s plans. a similar thing happens in the manga, dazai spending time in a place that he and oda had gone to, this time the horse races, and his plan whirls into motion as jono arrests him. i think these similarities are deliberate, in order to establish their significance to dazai and oda. 

this long winded explanation’s purpose was only for me to go back to this panel once again, and say that everything oda spoke about doing, from spending time with his kids, to brewing coffee, to betting on horse races, and to writing in the kitchen, were all moments he had with dazai. 

and see that he has an extra chair that sits unused in the kitchen? at first, i thought it was there for the sake of being there. then, it slowly dawned on me that odasaku and dazai had noted in the dark era light novel that they made a habit of visiting each other, so it wouldn’t be illogical to conclude that it was a chair meant for dazai. a place where he can spend some private moments together with oda underneath the dimly lit kitchen, drinking in the scent of odasaku’s coffee and talking about things that distracts them from their troubles while odasaku whittles away at his manuscript. 

and one last thing before i end this out of sheer laziness, take a look at this photograph of oda from the final moments of the beast light novel.

as oda stated in the manga and light novel, he worked on his manuscript alone in the kitchen... but in the photograph, he wasn’t alone. he’s posing for a picture. relaxed, poised, as if entertaining the one taking the photo. and besides, wasn’t it dazai who insisted on taking photographs in bar lupin with ango and oda in dark era? he must have done the same in that very moment in the beast universe, but this time in anticipation of oda forgetting him. 

in the end, it seems oda and dazai left each other in similar ways, foolishly believing they've sacrificed their lives for each other to better the other's life, but all they did was create worlds where the feeling of happiness will be lost to both respective parties, while also resigning each other to a life of loneliness.

they've forgotten about their one happiness that stems from just being around one another, listening to the soothing tune of jazz playing softly as they talk into the night, the world lost to them as they're absorbed in one another's presence.

it seems like their story is a tragedy of what happens when you love someone too much, to the point that you delude yourself into thinking you're but a tool for their happiness, and with you gone, nothing will change.

but things did change, didn't they?

[chouetteffraie]

The Inherent Romanticism of Headpats - Why Ship Dazatsu

I was scrolling through the dark corners of bsd tumblr and came across a few “Why I Ship (blank)” posts and thought I’d like to try and articulate my unending love for dazatsu in a similar fashion! Please note that I am in no way trying to steal the spotlight from other ships or trying to claim that dazatsu is “better” - it’s just my favorite and I wanna talk about them! Also, I physically cannot talk about them without a shipper’s bias - I’ve had them in my heart since like late 2016. This is ingrained into my spirit.

So, without further ado, let’s talk about why I ship dazatsu (and why you should too). yes i’m kidding about that last part.

warning for manga spoilers and headers that would make amazing fic titles. tag me if you use one. manga pictures taken from dazaiscans and easygoingscans.

1. The Promise to be Good

hehehe let’s start with maybe the most obvious one that is, arguably, the most canon fact about these two. Just because I choose to view it as romantic doesn’t mean it IS - but it is certainly a beautiful aspect of their relationship and yes it makes me soft every time I think about it.

We all know Dazai’s past and what inspired him to make the switch from the Port Mafia to the side that saves people - Odasaku. No matter what you say, it’s obvious that Oda and Dazai have a very close, meaningful relationship - and arguably, Odasaku had the biggest impact (and the most importance?) in Dazai’s life. When Oda told Dazai to leave the Port Mafia, to go make something beautiful with his life - he did. And it’s those words alone that keep him motivated to stay in his job and help protect the city - because he loves it, maybe, but because someone he loves urged him to.

Dazai, despite what his strange poetry may make you believe, is only human. As much as those words mean to him, he gets discouraged.

Along comes Atsushi, the starving tiger boy by the river. Atsushi is an orphan parallels to oda saving the orphans already, and he was in dire need of someone to save him. So, Dazai did. Whether it was because of the tiger or Odasaku’s last words, Dazai saved Atsushi and gave him life. He provided food, shelter, a means to provide for himself - even companionship. Everything Atsushi has, it started with Dazai picking him up off the riverbed and lugging him along. What’s more, Dazai didn’t just turn him over to somebody else - he presented a case to Fukuzawa to keep him and serves as his mentor. Further along in the canon story, he provides Atsushi with the emotional guidance that he needs (Portrait of a Father, anyone? Let’s cry over that for a second.) He doesn’t just give Atsushi a moment’s care - he helps him build himself up, he supports him, and together, they protect the people of Yokohama.

Atsushi is living, breathing proof that Dazai is living up to his promise to be a good man. Even better, he seems to be perfectly happy with confirming that yes, Dazai is good, whenever Dazai needs it.

In this way, they complete each other. They provide a source of comfort that nobody else has been able to. Atsushi is Dazai’s proof that he is doing the one thing he wants to do, more than anything - be what Odasaku wanted.

2. You Saved Me, We Save Each Other

Keeping that in mind, Atsushi is sort of Dazai’s reward for being good. Now, I’m not implying Dazai is owed Atsushi at all - to an extent, you could argue Atsushi is maybe even too good for Dazai. But Dazai is trying to be a good man, and Atsushi is the one who tells him and reaffirms his efforts and gives him that praise, that recognition, that reward for being good. Dazai’s main inspiration to stay on the light(er) side is Odasaku - but that doesn’t mean that Atsushi can’t become another huge driving force that makes Dazai want to stay on that path. Oda motivates him, gives him the reason to start. Atsushi can be the prize that makes trying worth it when he tends to forget. 

Atsushi saves Dazai. He saves him from his self-doubt, and from the world that gives him every reason to believe he has failed in his promise. If anything, that promise might be Dazai’s strongest lifeline. By reinforcing the line, Atsushi is saving Dazai.

And of course, Dazai saves Atsushi. He did literally save him by the river, and he helps teach Atsushi how to Not Die by virtue of being his mentor, but it’s more than that. Dazai has been the one to save Atsushi from his own mind time and time again. He provides a reason for Atsushi to believe he has (or is) earned/earning the right to live. Atsushi isn’t entirely over his desire to prove himself worthy - but Dazai is always the one to tell him that he has succeeded in his goal. Dazai is the one to say “You’ve proven yourself. You deserve the life you’re living.”

3. You Learn Something New Every Day

As Atsushi’s mentor, Dazai naturally teaches Atsushi things. But beyond the simple strategic battlefield lessons, Dazai has been there for Atsushi multiple times to help him address and begin to overcome his trauma. Sure, some efforts are worse than the others (dazatsu stans just wipe our memories of the train station scene and that’s valid and sexy of us i think.) But in times when Atsushi is clearly distressed, Dazai has been there to help him through it. He’s helped Atsushi sort through his grief, and he’s helped Atsushi start to see that his feelings are valid and that he’s allowed to live a fulfilling life.

Atsushi isn’t the only one learning, though! That’s one of the best parts of the ship - Atsushi teaches Dazai, too. Dazai has spent a long time feeling as though nobody will understand him intimately, or as deeply as Odasaku did. But Atsushi is getting there. He’s one of the closest to it, I think. From saying things like Dazai is a good man, to picking up on Dazai’s feelings at Oda’s grave in Dead Apple, and even the end scene when Dazai asked Atsushi directly if he thought he was a good person and Atsushi said without hesitation “Sure, why?” Atsushi teaches Dazai that he is human. He teaches Dazai that he is capable of feeling and forming close, intimate connections. They help the other learn about the areas they need to, and in both cases, they’re becoming patient teachers and prized pupils.

4. I’ll Listen When Nobody Else Will

Everybody knows how Dazai is often brushed off when talking about dying. People have brought up that the agency just has faith in his resilience, but that doesn’t meant that they aren’t acting without care towards Dazai. Atsushi does this too - in the very first episode, Dazai’s attempt at suicide is just taken with him being exasperated at his antics before pushing him down. But here’s the thing - it’s generally agreed upon that Atsushi is the one who is sent out to find Dazai. Atsushi is the one who knows where to find him. Arguably, Atsushi is the one that will listen to Dazai. He’s becoming the one who can not only pick apart Dazai’s mannerisms and slightest tells - he isn’t proficient, but he’s working on it - but he’s the one that treats them with care.

I’ve spent a lot of time noting similarities between the understanding Atsushi has of Dazai to the understanding Dazai’s truest friend had to him. Here’s one thing that separates Oda from Atsushi, and for me, it’s one of the major reasons why I personally ship one more than the other: Odasaku didn’t push Dazai the way Atsushi does. Both Oda and Atsushi have a way of laying out a field for Dazai to talk and bounce his thoughts off of, no matter how cryptically they come out. But Atsushi asks questions, he prods at the darkest corners of Dazai and he allows Dazai to question himself so he can continue to grow. Where Oda gave Dazai a place to feel comfortable in where he was, Atsushi gives Dazai a space to feel comfortable as he grows, which is what he needs in order to continue being a good man.

And please note, this isn’t me saying dazatsu or Atsushi is better than odazai or Odasaku. What I mean to say is this is where the difference lies, and Atsushi gives Dazai what he needs now - something he might not have needed without Odasaku’s urging to leave.

5. Guiding Light

When two characters are each other’s north star, where is there not romance? Dazai is very much Atsushi’s main source of guidance, a side effect of being his mentor for sure - but it’s more than just asking questions. Their relationship runs deep into Atsushi’s train of thought, to the point where Atsushi hallucinates Dazai’s presence when he feels uncertain. Any time Atsushi needs guidance or reassurance, he looks to Dazai. 

This is more shipper goggle-y, but I like to believe Atsushi does the same for Dazai. I’ve said over and over again that above all else, Atsushi is Dazai’s proof that he is being good. I also like to think that Atsushi, in a way, is a ray of light for Dazai to follow. He’s selfless (although for some reasons that deserve to be readjusted), he’s kind, and he loves life - all life. He’s a sunbeam in action that provides a perfect example for what Dazai could be and is trying to be - and if this light is happy with keeping Dazai close, maybe there’s hope for him after all.

6. What Makes Life Worth Living

Atsushi and Dazai are opposites in once major aspect: Atsushi has a sort of reverence for life, whereas Dazai craves to escape it. These are two major points of their characters - but here’s the kicker. Dazai wants to get close to human emotion. He wants to understand what makes life worth living. Atsushi is quite possibly the strongest candidate to show him what he can do and how loving life can help. I’m not saying that Atsushi is Dazais’ fix-it-all elixir, but he has a good chance to gently prod at Dazai and get him thinking.

Atsushi can show Dazai what makes life worth living. And that’s something that I think would do Dazai a world of good.

7. Can I Change for the Better?

ATSUSHI! INSISTS! DAZAI! IS! GOOD! I will not ever diminish this point because it is so important! Dazai seems to have it in his head that his blood is mafia black, that he can play the charade of a good man but will never be more than an actor playing a part. Atsushi, though - Atsushi is constantly telling him that he is good. Atsushi, who probably couldn’t keep up a lie for that long because the poor boy has zero tact. Dazai even asks Atsushi frequently if he’s a good person, and Atsushi always says yes. Atsushi gives Dazai what he needs to hear.

Atsushi, however, has his own issues. He has his own trauma to tackle, and his own bad habits to reform to become a better person. Atsushi isn't’ a bad person, but he also isn’t the best version of himself. Dazai can help him become that. Dazai can give him the guidance he needs, as he did with sorting through his grief surrounding the headmaster. Dazai can help Atsushi start the battle against his past, and he has been there with him every step of the way, whether in body or spirit. They help each other be better.

8. I Trust You With What I Love Most

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again - the toast they added to the end of season 3 is one of the most tender moments Dazai has ever had with anybody. One thing Dazai never does is let people in on his past - not past the necessary details, anyway, and especially not the intimate moments he holds in his heart. But sharing that toast with Atsushi - inviting him in to the toast he shared with Oda and Ango, “To the stray dogs,” - it’s one of his most vulnerable times on screen. I don’t care what you say. Dazai deliberately letting Atsushi in, giving him this tiny piece of his past he’s had tucked away in a safe place - that was him offering up a piece of his heart. I’m soft just thinking about it again.

Other than that, Dazai has an enormous faith in Atsushi. He’s built entire plans trusting that Atsushi will do his job perfectly the way it needs to be done. Hell, towards the end of the Guild arc, it was his faith in Atsushi to bring the doll down to him that convinced Twain they were beat. Not to mention, Dazai has trusted Atsushi enough to form a new partnership without him in order to protect the city - and if that’s not one of the most blatant displays of trust and faith you’ve seen, I don’t know what is.

9. There’s a Softness Within Me I Didn’t Know I Had

Another thing that’s good for Dazai - Atsushi is comfortable. Dazai can let his guard down, just a tiny bit, around Atsushi, There was the graveyard scene in Dead Apple, or the toast scene at the end of season 3 - those are moments where Atsushi has given himself a moment to relax and show Atsushi how proud he is. This kind of emotion, this vulnerability that says ‘I’ve been hoping you’d pull through and look at how amazing you’ve become’ - there’s a softness that holds that Dazai doesn’t hold for anybody else. It’s a gentleness or pride, of trust, of somebody becoming more than you could ever imagine and coming back to you, even thanking you - it’s a sensation nobody else has given Dazai, because nobody else has been a protege as trustworthy and gentle as Atsushi.

(and, believe me, there’s a hundred other examples of the softness in the anime, manga, official art, and so much more. here’s a thread that you can still add to if you want)

Atsushi is also soft with Dazai. He wants to make him proud, sure, but there isn’t any fear once their job is done. Atsushi doesn’t have to fear horrible repercussions if he makes one misstep - Dazai allows him to learn, to grow, and to feel however he seems fit (or, it’s a skill he’s improving at as the series goes on.)

They give each other a safety to feel vulnerable. They are comfortable to each other. And, of course, they have a special softness for the other that they do not hold for anybody else.

10. My Mistakes are the Cracks You Have a Knack for Fixing

Again, Atsushi is always there to reassure Dazai that he can be a good man. One part of this is that he insist that Dazai’s past doesn’t have to affect his future. He’s one of the only people who tells Dazai that he doesn’t hold him accountable for what he’s done before - he’s Dazai-san now, and that’s what matters to Atsushi. Atsushi gives Dazai the most space to fix these mistakes, to move past them, and to learn from them, not holding them against him at all.

In the same way Atsushi is Dazai’s proof that he’s being a good man, he is also Dazai’s proof that he can fix the mistakes he made. (Of course, I’m not excusing the way he strings anybody along - but the first step to fixing a mistake is admitting you have made one and working on yourself, and that’s what Atsushi allows him to do.)

In conclusion, I think Dazatsu is so soft and amazing because it’s about the healing and acceptance. BSD is all about gray morality, and dazatsu is a soft ship that can take each other’s bad and accept them. It’s not only about seeing the darkest side of somebody - it’s about accepting those flaws but also giving them space to grow. They grow and they learn and they heal together. They ensure that the other never has to go through a drastic change alone. In a way, they can be home for the other, a refuge from the shitty cards life has dealt them and a steady lifeline to reach for a better tomorrow. That’s why I love dazatsu - because I can’t see another situation with nearly as much love and trust as they have. They are tender, they can be vulnerable, and they can heal. 

Like the beautiful sunset hours the met in, they celebrated in, they console each other in, they allow the other to turn the page on their past and start anew, with a clean canvas for a dazzling display that they can make together.

[joeys-piano]

Top 5 Fics of 2020

As 2020 closes and as I’m looking back on what I’ve done this year, there were five stories that stood out to me because of how I felt, what I’ve experienced, and because of what came over me as I was working on the pieces. I picked stories that many of you enjoyed, stories that I think you could discover, and stories that challenge you to think a little differently on what you already know. I felt that was a good balance for what I had in store~

Savor The Moment | 12.4k | Teen

I can say without a doubt that is the best fanfic I’ve written this year: not only is it the longest by far, not only did I draft and revise and edit and rewrite this behemoth during the entire month of August and pretty much babied this thing into the first week of my Fall Semester, not only was I focusing and fleshing out the relationships one of my favorite BSD characters, but I remember how much I struggled with this work and how much I grew after finishing it. If y’all have to know one thing about me, it’s that dialogue and writing children characters are very difficult for me. So to tackle a project that encompasses both and much more -- that’s terrific!

I love how I wrote for Oda in this and how I explored his relationship with the children, with the curry shop owner, and with Dazai. I love how I approached his backstory and bled in some of the elements I enjoyed from the Dark Era light novel into this work. I love the atmosphere, the vibes, the metaphors and all the food descriptions -- there are gorgeous quotes throughout the work and to this day, I still can’t believe that they all came from my head. This was such a good story for me: both in that it helped me grow as a writer and challenged me in my weaker areas and that it was fun to try something new and to expand on the little details I adored from the source material.

If there’s any work of mine that I think best summarizes who I am as a writer, it would have to be this one.

We Only See Each Other at Weddings & Funerals | 5.7k | Teen

There was a time in my life when angst was my bread and butter. However, as I grew older and more cynical towards life in general, I saw myself leaning towards softer and happier ideas. Mostly because they were an escape and a distraction from what was happening to me at the time, and partially because angst isn’t all that great for my heart. But during the beginning of November, something possessed me. I didn’t set out to write a character death or a heavy story; but instead, it just came out of me. And with BEAST as my backdrop and with funerals in my head, it took me about a week to finish this story from draft to end.

In terms of technicalities and skills, this work best represents much of my experience as a writer. You can see it through my syntax and flow, through the concepts and metaphors I was weaving through the plot, through how I handled the head hopping and transitions between Oda and Dazai’s POVs (making sure that they were as smooth as silk for y’all’s reading experience), through how I handled the emotional stakes and the soulmate-ish vibes going on, and through how I described the grief and mourning for what could’ve been and for what came to be.

I’m not that surprised that the response for this fic has been on the lower side compared to my other works, especially since it revolves around character death and heavy themes. But if you really enjoy BEAST and would like an in-depth scene expansion between Oda and Dazai when they met for the last at Bar Lupin, I would definitely recommend this to you.

Tender is the Light | 1.5k | General

Christmas is a polarizing holiday, depending on who you ask, because we’re celebrating the humble birth of a man and are partnering it with consumerism. So already, this day is pretty sus and I couldn’t imagine a better way to spend it this year than to write and gift myself a very cuddly, drarry fanfic. As I mentioned in the author’s notes, I don’t normally write for myself and I especially don’t gift myself a fanfic for holiday purposes. But considering how this year went and how stressed I was and the epiphany I had during this month, the old constraints I had for myself didn’t matter and I just wanted to create something that I knew I would enjoy. That probably sounds selfish and a part of me thinks it is; but honestly, it isn’t because if I wanted to work and create something, it’s got to give me joy too -- I feel.

So you could almost say I was working out some internal things while writing this and was just having fun and didn’t care that there wasn’t really a plot to this entire thing. Since it was a fic for me, I just focused on what made me feel good and happy. And as it turns out, fluffy banters of humor and cuddly introspective smacked a nerve in my heart and I felt renewed every time I came to work on this. This was such a cathartic fic for me to work, and I just had the time of my life focusing on the small things that are like nuggets of gold for me. 

Hold Me A Little Closer | 2.6k | Mature

2020 was a year of many things, much of which I won’t mention and much of which we’re still living through. It was also the year I wrote my first, full-fledged smut. Or more accurately, my first genuine attempt at writing smut through my perspective as a biromantic asexual. Since 2018, I’ve been experimenting with how I wanted to portray physical intimacy and every time I scrolled through the Internet or read how others have done it, what I found was that there weren’t many resources or approaches that I felt comfortable with or with writing. Most of what you find out there is pretty much you figure it out on your own, or just looking at what others have done and copying it. Which that in itself comes with its own difficulties, depending on the approach you want to take with your own smut.

So being a discovery writer with my headlights down the path, I decided to write my first smut with an introspective approach + a tad of ace perspective because that’s who I am. I love the concept of emotional intimacy and that was the forefront for this story, accompanying the physical details. Because I knew for myself that odazai was more than just the physical aspect of it, and that both characters enjoy each other in an emotional or thoughtful setting where they can be vulnerable and be themselves and all the juicy bits about that whenever they’re together. And that might be the ace in me talking, but that’s the kind of intimacy I love between characters and the physical aspect is just one medium out of many in how they can convey that.

Personally, I would say this is the story that got me more comfortable writing for odazai. I’ve written for them beforehand in a few other fics, but this is definitely the one where I grew to know and care for them more and it comes through with the writing.

If My Eyes Were to Linger | 1.5k | General

With me talking about the top best fics that I’ve written this year, there’s no way I could conclude this without talking about the first fic I wrote for a new fandom. This story is my first foray into drarry and it comes after weeks of reading all sorts of content from them writers and I wanted to try it too. This harkens back to nine years ago when I wrote my first fanfic: I saw that others were writing stories and I wanted to do it, too. That brief childhood spark was the catalyst I needed when I considered and began jotting out this piece. You can tell through my writing that I’m figuring things out and figuring how I want to approach the individual voices of Draco and Harry.

I should also add that I was nervous as shit while writing this because I was embarking into a fandom where I knew no one in the community and I knew that no one I knew would even follow or read what I was writing. It’s been a long time since I’ve splashed into waters like that and through the help of my friends and talking with them, they helped me carry through and finish writing this piece. That meant a lot to me because for the first time in a long time, I was finally writing for me. I was finally writing a story where I didn’t care so much about how the engagement would be because I already knew there wouldn’t be much because of the circumstances I was in. So without hits or kudoses or really any expectations, I just wrote what I wanted to write and I had a damn good time with reading as I went.

And with the past few drarry fics I’ve written this month, you can feel that the adrenaline and childlike glee that came back to me is still with me. I don’t know how long this energy will last or if it’ll go away and I’ll transition into something else. But what I do know is that there are certain freedoms that come with going into the unknown and rediscovering myself again. And to know that this is for me: more than anything, that means so much.

[our-wargame]

For the otp asks, would you mind doing 1, 9, 11 & 14??? i’m sorry if it’s too much !!

(Easia was this you?)

Not at all, thank you for the ask, it made my day! and I’m so sorry for the late response!!

1. If you had to change the pairing’s very first meeting, how would you change it?

Ooh okay, so since we don’t know exactly how it went (but it must have gone well. cause. yknow. look at them :3) I actually like that there’s no official meeting because yknow. Room for creative interpretation ahah. For example, I can picture Mori deciding Dazai is out of control and needs someone to reign him in, then he profiles the PM and decides on Oda. Someone who has skills worthy of Dazai’s respect, yet is harmless to the PM; someone who has a temperament that means he can put up with Dazai for a while and still be eccentric enough that he’ll keep Dazai entertained in turn. And then maybe Mori sends Dazai off to this bar he knows Oda frequents with some bad prompt like ‘assess this guy if he’s a threat to the pm’ and it. takes off from there.

however! i will say if i absolutely had to change their first meeting, i’d probably make it so that dazai and oda find each other curiously irritating; maybe dazai’s annoyed by dense naivety and maybe oda would rather deal with less hostile and less “executive-level-meaning-i-can-fire-you” people. maybe dazai is so irritated he ends up getting oda kicked out of the mafia and oda winds up joining the agency. let’s say uhhh eventually, skk takes down mimic and this leaves the mafia pretty unstoppable. skk is at the height of their talents. so oda’s given the task of stopping them, starting with dazai. (yeah, it’s hard picturing enemies to friends to lovers odz for me too lmaooo) but i think...maybE? it could work?

or maybe the tragedy is that it wouldn’t; that oda needs to die for dazai to learn to live and that they always find out too late. idk. :) 

9. Favorite aspect of them/their relationship dynamics?

Mmm. Gonna pick two examples of their. 1) Relationship dynamic: soft: one of them being silly, the other humoring him, and both of them genuinely enjoying their time together. 2) Mutual care for one another; Dazai may not understand Oda’s refusal to kill but he will respect it. There’s not a lot he gives a fuck about, but Oda and his morals are exempt to that. And for Oda, obviously he sees Dazai as a dear friend (reading the light novel, you can tell just how much exactly), and he does want the best for Dazai, even if all the troublesome little things made it hard for him to express this.

11. If they aren’t a canon pairing, how would you get them together?

Being the hoe I am, I keep hoping Asagiri will give Dazai the book and he’ll either make Beast happen or bring Oda and kids back to life. 

Okay but hmm. If I had to make them happen in canon, I’m like 99% sure, they’d get their shit together eventually. Maybe they have a shit day, maybe they get hammered, maybe they start talking about why one of them wants to die and one of them doesn’t want to kill and it starts with that understanding (oh of course, insert the awkward morning after; did we really do a cheesy heart to heart drunk? yea) and then eventually yknow. the feeling feelings start going at a alarming rate; yknow. i’d like oda to realize first aha bc funny. and then someday dazai passingly has a thought: “oh...odasaku looks really handsome today,’ and then. oh. OH. and then yknow he realizes oda’s starting to look at him differently like he wants even more from dazai but doesn’t think he has the right to ask. LONG STORY SHORT, I DONT CARE HOW, make them get together, pls, thank you :)

14. Is there a pairing that you think rivals them?

For me, not in BSD at least. For context, I’m not really an skk shipper although I get it (for extra context no one asked for, i ship shizaya in drrr! pretty hilarious enough and they’re like skk but with more hate lmao); for other dazai ships, similar thing. 

But I think it ultimately just means. Looking at Odazai and believing what they have is so insanely off the charts. 

Thank you so much for your ask once again and apologies for the long ass response, had the time of my life writing this

[writing-radionoises]

to be loved

ship: odazai, fyodazai, kunikidazai if you squint

genre: alternative universe

prompt: in an alternate universe where when someone who cares about you touches you, it leaves a colored mark on your skin, dazai is covered in so many unwanted marks from his abuser.

notes: tw for mori typical bullshit, referenced self harm, and implied sexual content. this is also just. my au but yall are free to do whatever you want with it as long as you credit me ^^

Most people value and adore marks.

The colored hand prints and kiss marks that litter each and every person’s body, each one unique from the other.

It means that someone cares about you, loves you in any way possible.

Whether it be platonically, romantically, or familial.

However, Dazai is not one of these people who values the marks.

Being passed around from person to person has left him with left marks, most of which fade after he is passed off again.

When a mark fades, it means the person has forgotten about you, or that they’ve died.

Many of Dazai’s past caretakers have died.

However, that would be why Dazai loathes his marks or the romanticization behind them.

His body is covered in marks. Bruise-like hand prints litter his body, predominately on the wrists and waist.

He has a distinct hand print over his mouth, a hand once used to silence his screaming and protesting against the perpetrator.

Dr. Mori Ogai is the cause behind these marks. He has a tendency to manhandle Dazai, toss him around however he pleases, and use him like a toy.

Dazai hates Mori more than anything, and had always wished the marks would just disappear. He wished Mori would stop caring about him, forget about him.

He wished Mori would die.

There was nothing that Dazai hated more than feeling like Mori’s toy on display, everyone who saw him could see all the pain Mori put him through.

Dazai covered himself in every way possible. Bandages, oversized clothes, jackets in spring.

But the marks pop out against his pale skin like neon colors.

Over time, he got used to them. He got used to having no other marks than from Mori, to looking like a beaten up toy, like a broken porcelain doll.

It was, until Dazai met Odasaku.

Odasaku was a kind man, his hand was littered in little hand prints from children, like rainbow face paint. He had a warm and comforting smile, and pushed Dazai to become his friend.

The first mark Dazai had gained outside of Mori’s was one of Odasaku’s. Oda had grabbed his hand, and when he removed his hand to bid a goodbye to Dazai, a green mark remained over Dazai’s left hand.

It looked fluorescent against Dazai’s pale skin, and mellowed out over time into a pretty pastel green. Dazai would trace each where Oda’s fingers laid before sleeping in awe.

To think another person would care about him.

Many marks would follow. Odasaku was an affectionate person, he left Dazai with forehead kisses, cheek kisses, hugs, and anything of the sort.

The green of his marks popped out against the once disgusting and gross color Mori had left Dazai with.

Soon enough, the green color would be painted on his lips, as well.

Dazai grew fond of the marks Oda would leave on him, and would ignore the ones Mori had left.

More colors followed suit with Oda’s.

Ango’s was a light brown, only the slightest bit darker than Dazai’s skin tone. He left behind the ghost of hand shakes, ghosts of the memory of wiping off Dazai’s face.

A light brown lingered against Dazai’s scarred arms from Ango’s stitching, overlapping with the bruises Mori left.

It had shocked Dazai the first time he saw such marks, having believed that Ango could care less about him. But nonetheless, Ango’s marks appeared on his skin, and never left.

When Osamu had picked up the homeless and sickly Akutagawa siblings, he had noticed the younger one, Gin, was covered in blotchy and inky black hand prints. Against her cheek, along her hands, on her shoulders. Dazai found the same marks on himself later that night after carrying the older Akutagawa to his car. Sure enough, a blotchy black handprint laid against his collarbone, where Ryuunosuke had clung to him like a kitten.

Dazai had remembered reading somewhere that black markings were rare. A certain part of him was rather happy that Ryuunosuke had left one on him.

Over time, Dazai started looking more and more like an abstract painting than a person.

He loved it. He loved feeling loved.

But all good things come to an end.

Ango betrayed him and Odasaku, leading to Odasaku’s death, and eventually to Ango abandoning Dazai.

The last mark Odasaku left on him before his death was a light touch on the cheek as he pulled off the bandages covering the scar Akutagawa had left Dazai.

He asked Dazai to do one thing for him, one last thing to make Dazai happy.

To be on the side that saves people.

An unconventional request it was, hard to process among every other thought racing through Dazai’s mind.

He didn’t want Oda to disappear, he didn’t want the last person to truly love him to die yet.

The thought of the marks Oda left on him shattered Dazai’s heart. The last thing he would have left of Oda, gone.

… And yet, the green marks never disappeared.

Weeks went by after Oda’s death, Dazai would awaken every morning and stare into the mirror, waiting for them to fade.

But they didn’t.

Oda may have been gone, but his love wasn’t. His love for Dazai would outlive him, and carry Dazai to trying to do the right thing.

He left the Port Mafia.

He waited for Akutagawa’s marks on him to disappear. For Mori’s marks to disappear.

They never did. If anything, Akutagawa’s marks grew more vibrant against his skin.

He couldn’t tell if he was getting paler, or if the marks really were changing color.

Mori’s marks remained, much to Dazai’s dismay.

He’ll just have to wait for the old bastard to die.

The surprising part, more so, was that Ango’s marks stayed. The cinnamon color remained over his hands, in streaks against his face, and underneath his knees from being carried.

Dazai never understood why they didn’t. He couldn’t comprehend Ango still caring about him after all this time.

He wondered if Ango’s marks stayed on Odasaku, too.

He never found out the answer.

Dazai had his identity erased, now at 19 years old, and bought a cheap apartment with his savings.

No longer a mafia member, but now just a kid.

… A kid just barely under the drinking age. Which was annoying.

Dazai converted his former alcoholism into a caffeine addiction.

There was a coffee shop down the street from his apartment that he liked to go to, despite the sad memories with it.

His first get together with Oda and Ango.

“I’ve… Only had black coffee before, I don’t know what to get,” Dazai mumbled, rubbing his bandaged arm awkwardly as Ango turned to him.

Oda was already at the counter, ordering something.

“Do you need suggestions?” Ango asked, to which Dazai nodded.

Ango pulled Dazai close against his chest, readjusting his glasses as he began to narrow things down for Dazai, figuring out something he’d like.

Dazai was incredibly confused by how much Ango knew about coffee, he was certain the other had been too busy to visit coffee shops like this all that much.

“Can I have a large iced white mocha with… Four extra shots of espresso?”

“You want six in that?”

“Yeah, please,” Dazai said with a smile.

“Alright…” The cashier said, wary as she looked over the total, “That’ll be 600 yen.”

Dazai handed the woman his money, and left the line to go sit down by the window.

It’s frosty outside, winter is making its way into Yokohama.

Dazai will have to buy a new jacket soon…

A man slides into the seat across from Dazai. He adorns a clean white button up, and a fluffy white coat over his shoulders. His hair is a deep purple, shoulder length and silky smooth, a white fluffy hat atop his head. His face is soft, and his piercing violet eyes bright with curiosity, wonder with the world around him. There’s a bandage over his right cheek, and bandaids all across his fingers. It appears he has a habit of biting them.

Dazai can’t find this man anything short of gorgeous. The smile on the man’s face tells him more people think the same.

“My, my, you are an interesting looking one,” says the man with a smile, a foreign accent slips into his Japanese with easy, “Like a patchwork doll, I have not seen anyone quite like you.”

Dazai returns the smile, “So I’ve been told. You’re a strange looking one yourself, you aren’t from around here, are you?”

The man nods a no, “Ah, no. I am from Russia, though I am fluent in Japanese and English.”

“Far way from home, I see. Your Japanese is very good for a tertiary language.”

“Thank you,” replies the man, “My former teachers regarded me as a language prodigy. Ah, I’ve forgotten to ask… What might be your name?”

“Osamu Dazai,” the brunette replied, propping his head up in his hands, “Yours?”

“Fyodor Dostoevsky,” he replied.

“Dosto… Dos-”

“Fyodor is fine. I understand in Japanese you call people by their last names, however, Russian last names are hard on the Japanese tongue.”

“Fyodor-san,” Dazai corrected, “You are quite the stunning one, you know? Your beauty is incomparable to anything I’ve ever seen.”

A smile appeared on Fyodor’s face, Dazai half expected him to get flustered, though he remained calm.

“Many people say the same, I don’t quite understand. I believe I’m rather average looking, to say the least…”

The server provides Dazai with his drink, and passing what appears to be a caramel macchiato to Fyodor as she leaves, Dazai hums a thank you to her.

Fyodor pops the lid off his drink, fishing out a small bottle of clear liquid and dumping it into the drink as he stirs with his straw.

“Vodka? Isn’t it like nine in the morning?”

“I said I am Russian, did I not?”

Dazai laughs a bit.

Fyodor writes his phone number on Dazai’s napkin later.

His handwriting is crooked and messy, though to Dazai, it looks amazing.

He doesn’t quite understand his interest in this Fyodor person.

Dazai awakens in a hotel room.

He’s been in ones like these time and time again, never remembering where he was.

After Odasaku died, Dazai developed a habit of letting people take him home for temporary pleasure.

However, this one is different.

The hotel room smells heavily of alcohol, yet the place is rather neat. Coats hung up on the closet doors, lean counters, suitcases emptied and set to the side.

Dazai pulls the white sheets closer to his naked body as he glances next to him, to see the sleeping body of Fyodor Dostovesky.

His hat had been discarded, placed haphazardly on the bedside table, yet he looked incredibly peaceful when he slept.

Dazai remembered more bit by bit. Fyodor invited him to a bar, asking if Dazai would teach him a little more about Japanese drinking culture. They, of course, got drunk. He supposed Fyodor and him hooked up shortly afterwards.

Dazai wasn’t surprised, he did this with just about every man he met nowadays.

Dazai glanced down and over his own body.

No new marks. To be expected.

Yet, when he looked over Fyodor, he was a blank canvas.

He adorned no marks from what Dazai saw.

His brows furrowed in confusion, Fyodor must be a well-loved man with his beauty and interesting personality.

At the very least, he would have marks from his mother and father, right?

The plot thickens, and Dazai slides out of bed to get his clothes.

Fyodor awakens shortly afterwards, greeting Dazai with what Dazai assumes in a ‘good morning,’ though he has spoken in Russian.

He watched Fyodor brush out his hair, button up his shirt and place his hat back on, and then proceed to order breakfast in for the two of them.

Dazai comes to the conclusion that Fyodor is an amazing actor, and that he definitely has a hangover he’s not talking about.

As they eat, Dazai decides to spring a question.

“You don’t have any marks at all, do you?” He asked the other man.

Fyodor glances up from his food, shifting his head to the side as he nods.

“Yes, I have no such markings. It is a mystery to me as well.”

“Not even ones from your parents, eh?” Dazai asked, shoving a piece of omurice into his mouth.

“My parents died when I was young,” Fyodor explained, “It was my fault, it was an ability accident. I was fostered shortly afterwards by a priest, though he never left any markings on me, either. I do not know much of anyone outside of them.”

“So you’r-”

“Unloved,” Fyodor interrupted, followed by a smile, “But I do not mind. I have never left markings on another person, either.”

Dazai’s brows furrowed, “Never, huh?”

Fyodor nods, “Never. I have started to believe I’m incapable of doing such.”

“Incapable of caring for others?”

The Russian man looks up, thinking about his answer for a few minutes before looking down at his food. There’s a slight somber look in his eyes, one of loneliness and doubt.

“I suppose so.”

It’s been years since Dazai and Fyodor met. Their relationship broke off, Dazai joined the Detective Agency, and Fyodor went off to become a terrorist.

Dazai is now 22, and Fyodor is 23.

It is not the first time they have seen each other again after all their years as teens, but the first time they’ve been alone together since then.

They both escape from the prison, Fyodor now his enemy instead of a past lover or friend.

But Fyodor still smiles at him like he’s a friend.

No marks appear on Fyodor’s skin, though Dazai has gained some new ones.

Soft yellow ones from Kunikida, his partner.

A brash violet from Atsushi, his newest apprentice.

A dull green from Fukuzawa, his mentor and father figure.

Among many others from so many of the agency members. Dazai is back on his feet, he feels loved once more, and will not let anyone take that from him.

And yet, when Fyodor looks at him, he can feel the slightest bit of jealousy from the Russian man, too.

He wants to be loved, too. Dazai knows it.

Dazai wonders if he’s the only person who has ever cared about Fyodor, wonders if Fyodor even knows it.

Fyodor readjusts his hat as he walks closer to Dazai.

“Might I show you something, Osamu?” He asks.

“If it isn’t death, sure,” Dazai replied, half joking.

The smile on the other’s face softens, “It is not death, I promise.”

Fyodor fumbles with his hands before taking the left one, fingertips covering his bandaids, and gently caressing Dazai’s cheek. It feels cold, the other’s anemia leaves Fyodor with icy cold hands and feet. He used to tease Dazai with it, but this was not him teasing.

Fyodor’s face is soft and genuine and as he removes his hand, followed by a weak smile.

“I thought I should probably contribute to the masterpiece.”

Fyodor leaves before Dazai can say anything as he presses his hand against his now cold cheek, looking into his reflection in the glass windows.

A baby blue handprint had made itself home on Dazai’s cheek, where Fyodor had touched him.

A smile came to his face.

“So you weren’t incapable after all,” Osamu says, softly.

How peculiar...

[theteapotofdoom]

Hi!!! Been wondering this for awhile, but what are your top 10 (or how many you want lol) Bungou Stray Dogs ships?

hhhhhHHHHHHH HELL YEAH LET’S GO!!!

I love getting asked about BSD and I love being asked top tens because my dumb self loves to share my opinions with whoever wants to read it, so I’m really excited about this. (As a disclaimer, I’m not following the BSD manga very closely, I’m up to date with most of the spoilers but I definitely don’t know as much as the most hardcore fans).

Edit: I just realised that because I went in-depth with each ship about why I love them the post ended up being really long. So for those who just wanted the list and didn’t want to have to go through all my rambling, here you go!

KunikiDazai (Kunikida x Dazai)

RanPoe (Ranpo x Poe)

FukuMori (Fukuzawa x Mori)

Odazai (Oda x Dazai)

ChuuAku (Chuuya x Aku)

KuniOda (Kunikida x Oda)

HiguGin (Higuchi x Gin)

AtsuAku (Atsushi x Akutagawa)

FyoGol (Fyodor x Gogol)

KuniFyo (Kunikida x Fyodor)

Honourable mentions: AtsuLucy, Steincraft, Kunikida x Yosano, Kunikida x everyone, Chuuya x a safe environment with people who actually care about him and not just his ability, the Aku siblings x happiness, Dazai x consequences for his actions.

And now for the explanation for each ship!

1) Kunikidazai: this one was probably expected for those of you who know me, I basically never shut up about these two and always reblog content about them! I got hooked on them right from the beginning with their cute chaotic banter and their old married couple dynamic, but I really fell in love with them during the Azur King arc (first in the anime, and later when I read the novel). They’re so good for each other, I can’t get enough of them. They trust each other deeply and respect the hell out of each other, but they’re also never afraid to call each other on their bullshit. Kunikida is constantly pushing Dazai to grow, to take responsibilities for his actions, and to become a better person. It’s more obvious in the novels, but Kunikida isn’t buying Dazai’s “happy idiot” act at all. From the moment they met, he immediately saw the dark abyss behind his eyes, but he is still challenging him and pushing him to be better. And Dazai cares about Kunikida SO MUCH, he likes to tease him and to rile him up, but when shit hits the fan he is always right there by Kunikida’s side, also calling him out when Kunikida is slipping out of his ways. You can tell he worries and wants to protect Kunikida from some of the darker sides of the world, he needs that chaotic beacon of light and honesty in his life and will do anything to protect it. Also, they’re just fucking cute and domestic you know? Dazai casually stealing Kunikida’s classic off his face on a daily basis and Kunikida letting him, the paper rock scissor shenanigans, the whole “you should write this down” bit, Dazai going out of his way every day to annoy Kunikida just like a five-year-old with a crush ... aaaaah this is getting too long I love them too much ... I’ll just leave you with the most romantic scene in the history of anime.

2) Ranpoe: for this one, I won’t be as long, because they’re just so fucking cute!!! Wow!!! I love them!!! So much!!! Kunikidazai may still e my number one, but Ranpoe are like CANON KINGS like they really just do be dating? They’re always together and always helping each other out, they’re always complimenting each other and supporting each other and just being chaotic detective husbands together, URGH KINGS ... I’m actually just deeply in love with Poe, and I’m eternally grateful that he is still around in the story even if it’s just as Ranpo’s sidekick for now. I fell in love with this cute goth bean as soon as he appeared, and I really thought he was only going to be a one-episode throwaway character and I was ready to mourn his loss BUT HE STAYED AROUND!!! And he is still a part of the plot!!! Doing things and being cute!!! And I also love Ranpo too of course, and I love their dynamic together. Like ... they manage to be in perfect balance between “from enemies to rivals to friends to lovers slow burn 500k with the maximum yearning” and “sweet domestic fluff and cute establish relationship freeform” and that’s very sexy of them. They’re not really a very “deep” ship per se, but they are just a god damn delight between two already extremely delightful characters and I couldn’t be happier about this. Asagiri should give them their own spinoff series where they just kiss and solve crimes ...

3) Fukumori: I guess that this one is a little controversial because Mori isn’t exactly everyone’s cup of tea (extremely understandable), so feel free to skip it if this is unpleasant to you. I’m one of those weak bitches who still enjoy Mori a lot for being a pretty evil trashy doctor bitch despite his multiple gross crimes. I can’t help it guys, he got me with his aesthetic and petty energy. I also love Fukuzawa who is the most valid and beautiful man EVER and has all the rights. So as soon as I saw these two interacting in canon for the first time, they just overwhelmed me with their bitter ex-boyfriends energy and I had no choice but to surrender. I just really love their dynamic, you can immediately tell that they have a very charged personnel history together just by the way they interact, even if they’re now opposite enemies, there is still a familiarity and even an intimacy between them and I find it fascinating to watch. It’s a ship that works with serious horny angst and character study, but also with more lighthearted shitposts ... I just do be loving these two sexy old man and their bickering.

4) Odazai: by all account, Odazai should technically be my number one shit, as I really consider them to be the greatest love story in the entire show. Like, everything in BSD always comes back to Odazai, they are the most important and honest and beautiful relationship in the story. The reason why they’re only at number 4 is that I love their canon relationship so so so so god damn much that I rarely read fics or consume fan content about them, but it never hits quite right. I actually don’t need anything else from them outside of the canon story you know? It’s a weird thing to say because I usually really really dislike angst, but for some reason with Odazai, their tragedy is one of the reasons I love the ship so much. I know that most of the relationships in the story are purposely left ambiguous, but Dazai was in love with Oda and you cannot change my mind about this. I’m don’t think that Oda loved Dazai the same way that Dazai loved him (or at least not as much as Dazai loved him) but this is also part of why I like it. I actually kind of like Odazai for the same reasons that I like Kunikidazai: I just really really really love relationships that challenge Dazai and push him out of his comfort zone. I actually think that Kunikida and Oda have a lot in common (they both refuse to kill, they both act as some sort of moral compass for Dazai) and even though Asagiri apparently refuses to ignore this, I like to think that Dazai sees these similarities too. That being said, even though I still consider Kunikidazai my number one ship, I firmly believe that Dazai will never ever love anyone again as much as he loved Oda and that’s fine. He can heal with Kunikida. (Also I didn’t mention Beast AU but I actually love it because it gives me more Odazai angst and because the only thing I ship more than Kunikidazai and Odazai is Dazai x consequences for his actions).

5) Chuuaku: I JUST THINK THEY SHOULD HEAL TOGETHER AND KISS YOU KNOW? This one is a little more of a crack ship I guess, but they have rights!!! They’re clearly quite comfortable together, they’re often drawn side by side in official arts and live for it. We also have a great scene at the end of Dead Apple where Aku helps Chuuya to get up and the two of them go home together and it’s very cute and it’s the only good thing about the messy ending of Dead Apple. They also have a lot in common, most notably they both got their lives ruined and destroyed by Dazai and I really wish that they would acknowledge it and bond of it in canon. They both got hurt so bad again and again, I would love to see the two them coming to term with it and healing together. Aku slowly opening up to Chuuya because he knows that he can trust him and Chuuya taking Aku under his wing because he sees a lot of himself in him, a young boy with power too destructive for his own good that’s being used against him. Also, the cute domesticity of it all ... the two of them going out after work and Chuuya trying to get Aku to relax and have fun, and at first Aku is really awkward but at some point, he genuinely laughs out loud over something stupid and Chuuya is like “oh no I love him” I just do be loving this power couple of soft boys.

6) Kunioda: I ... look I feel like I’m cheating with this one, but I can explain. I’m actually sparring you, believe it or not. Kunikida is my favorite character, so he has the Shigaraki syndrome of “I ship him with absolutely everyone because I ca and he deserves all the boyfriends and girlfriends” BUT I ACTUALLY HAVE A GOOD REASON FOR KUNIODA. I’ve actually been casually shipping them as a crack ship since the beginning because, as I mentioned, I think that they have a lot in common. But then I learned about Beast AU where they’re partners and it immediately went “oh my god i can’t believe they’re married” AND THEN WE GOT BEAST AU ILLUSTRATED AND WE GOT THEM BEING ALL CUTE AND DOMESTIC AND STANDING SIDE BY SIDE ... AND IM JUST REALLY WEAK YALL ... Kunikida is my favourite character and Oda is my second favourite character so this was inevitable really. They’re just my comfort ship at this point, no tragic ending, always happy endings even when there is angst, cute domestic fluff and smut, just the two best men ever being in love and valid. 

7) HiguGin: THEY DO BE GIRLFRIENDS THOUGH ... COME ON LESBIANS LET’S GO!!! Listen ... the episode where Kunikida and Astushi go get Katai for some hacking and get caught in some chaotic gay love triangle drama with Katai, Higuchi and Gin is the BEST BSD EPISODE EVER I don’t take constructive criticism. Higuchi is best girl and the chaotic bisexual rep we need. Higuchi and Gin are so good together, they’re just SO FUCKING CUTE AND CHAOTIC like this really “sword gf and gun gf” we love to see it. I’m living for Higuchi thinking she has a crush on Aku before realising that she is actually developing feelings for THE OTHER TWIN and maybe Katai, Kunikida and Atsushi all act as the best wingmen ever and it’s just cute sitcom/romcom shenanigans. They have big Chuaku energy tbh, power couple but also soft. I just really think that they should kiss.

8) AtsuAku: I used to love this ship a lot more before. My flame for them as diminished just because I feel like as of now, their canon relationship is really messy and charged with negative things so I would prefer them to both breaks away from Dazai’s influence before actually starting a relationship together (romantic or friendship). That being I still adore them and their current dynamic. I think that the Aku/Atsu/Kyouka dynamic, in general, is the heart and soul of the story, every time that these two are on screen/page together, the story is at its best. So Atsushi and Aku have some of the best scenes and interaction of the entire story together (like ... their fight Fitz is so incredibly GOOD URGH, KINGS ...) and I still enjoy the cute fanart (although I don’t really read fics). I’m also very interested in their dynamic in the Beast AU, there is great potential here!!!

9) FyoGol: I don’t have too much to say about them because I need to read more of the manga BUT I LOVE THE ENERGY OKAY ... just two chaotic evil being bitches ... just a Russian rat man and his horny clown boyfriend ... nothing to see here, just two dudes being gay and stabbing people ... I’m glad they’re gay and murderers, good for them.

10) KuniFyo: I CAN EXPLAIN, I PROMISE I CAN EXPLAIN ... JUST LISTEN OKAY ... I’m really into this ship lately because I can and will ship Kunikida with everyone, but also because it’s GOOD OKAY. Listen. Opposites attract, Fyodor being unable to understand Kunikida and seeing him as a challenge, sun and moon imagery, unstoppable force meets unmovable object, the two of them out of their comfort zone ... with Fyodor becoming obsessed with this man that he sees as a beacon of light and righteousness and needing to destroy him for that while simultaneously genuinely falling for him LIKE PLEASE GUYS. KuniFyo has rights. (Also if this ship intrigues you and you’re not put off by dark unhealthy relationships, I highly recommend this fic. It’s still a WIP but it’s really fun!)

That’s it for the top 10! Although the first five mostly stay the same, the rest of the ships tend to change and vary based on the story and on my moods. Last year I made a similar list on twitter and it was very different.

Honorable mention for the ships that I also love but didn’t quite make it this time: AtsuLucy, Kunikida x Yosano, Steincraft.

That was fun :D

[sweet-cynical-writer]

Stop telling me everything will be okay.

Odazai Angst

Tagging those who wanted notification: @poppirocks @yokelish

The air was bone chilling as it blew right through the Executive's coat sending the bottom part of it to flow carelessly in the wind, unlike his bottled up emotions he continued to keep pent up. He was waiting by the entrance of Lupin because his intuition said to not go inside just yet. His predictions were always spot on. In the distance of the dense fog, a man dressed in semi formal attire of charcoal slacks paired with a deep faded purple button up that he left open to expose a glimpse of his collarbone. He layered the button up with a light sand wood toned jacket. Red bangs that bounced with each step he took until he came to a halt.

Blue eyes that stared mindlessly in the distance until he took notice of his surroundings and blinked to focus his gaze on the man in front of him. They shared an intimate exchange just from staring into each other's eyes. The emptiness in the Executive's dark brown gaze was being matched to that of his fellow mafioso who had the look of 'he fuzzed up' in tired looking eyes.

"Odasaku.. there's more to this situation than you think. As ridiculous as it may sound, just hear me out—"

"Enough Dazai. There's nothing more to anything. It's all over for me."

There was a moment of silence and all they could do was stare into each other's eyes. The burning desire showing in the Executive's dark eyes trying to search for some kind of spark in his friend's lost at sea gaze. He was accepting defeat— no, he had already accepted this before he even called on Dazai to meet up. This was a mere courtesy to the Executive that he was losing more than a fellow mafioso. He was losing his partner.

Tears were building up in Dazai's eyes and when his lips parted to speak, he was quickly silenced by a gentle pat on the top of his head. Odasaku always had this expressionless face, it was troubling to read more than half the time for Dazai making him fascinated with the red head in the first place. But his overall sense of connection to dread and worst case scenarios had him burst into tears. The way Odasaku rested his palm on the young man's head only confirmed it, the mannerism of that comforting warm sensation lingering like a long sorrowful farewell.

"You can't leave, Odasaku.. no, I order you to stay."

He said it sternly and was glaring at the older man with tears streaming down his cheeks. The tears of bitter betrayal and that of something more. Could it be love? No, he was still a child after all. He became the youngest executive in the Port Mafia, there's no way someone with his mindset had the capability to love when he murders people in cold blood. But the tears were real. He'd never seen Dazai cry before and it was a memory to treasure when he leaves.

"Dazai. If you continue to walk on this dark path, nothing you ever wish for will come your way. There is no difference between Good and Bad. That may not mean anything to you I know. But, you should reconsider and make yourself a good man. At least that would make you feel a little less empty."

Every word was a stab to the Executive. Everything he despised and didn't want to hear was coming straight from someone he could openly admit that he was attracted to. With that being said, Odasaku turned his back to Dazai, his coat fluttering in the brisk motion as he took his leave.

"ODASAKU YOU STUPID IDIOT!!!"

On instinct it forced the man to pause in his tracks. He didn't dare to turn around because that would only worsen the situation.

"You'll be okay, Dazai. Live a full life. For the stray dogs."

Odasaku continued to walk away. It had to be done. There wasn't any coming back from how much he fuzzed up. He knew that Dazai knew and there was nothing either them could do. It was an inevitable end they had to both accept, like it or not.

Uncontrollable tears kept escaping from the young Executive's burning puffy eyes. He was wiping them away profusely only to spread more tears across his face as the rest of his eye toxins dropped like rainfall. His jaw clenched tight in anguish as he cried out to the man who was already in the distance.

"STOP TELLING ME EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY WHEN IT'S NOT!!!"

But Odasaku was already out of range. He left Dazai to deal with the pain of being utterly alone once more. A bitter loneliness that to this day prevents him from becoming close to anyone like that again.

[afinepricklypear]

hello!!! im really sorry to bother you! im a huge fan of your powerless series and i was very excited to see you beginning to post the next instalment, but i just had a question!! od*zai makes me really uncomfortable for personal reasons and i was wondering if there would be any of it in the fic? again im really sorry for bothering you vnjdfklnb

I don’t know when this was asked, I rarely come here...but I’ll answer as best I can and hope it’s not too late. I really don’t want to spoil the story too much, but I can also understand that many fanfiction readers (myself included) don’t like too many surprises in their fics and, when it comes to a multi-chapter fic, they don’t want to invest too much time in a fic that might disappoint them in the end. I also understand that for many people (once again, myself included), ships can make or break a fic, and that many people have notps (I, personally, have *a lot* in BSD), so I’ll try to give you an indirect answer.

I’ll start by noting that I do tag most things appropriately -- including romantic relationships that will appear in the fic, so that’s always your best bet for determining if a particular ship will show up in one of my stories -- sometimes things come up as I’m writing that I didn’t anticipate, and I’ll always warn when the tags of a fic change. I also try to tag when a fic will have an ending that the readers might not be satisfied with.

However, I feel like you might be able to guess the answer to your question too if you read my notes throughout the series. I’ll reiterate a few things I’ve said in the past installments here:

- I’m not a huge fan of Oda. It’s not that I dislike him, I just don’t particularly like him either. I’m neutral about him, I guess. Apathetic is most appropriate. I just don’t feel that the character was well developed by Asagiri. He’s flat and bland. His personality traits read off like a character the author is desperately trying to make readers like by cramming arbitrary positive characteristics down our throats that feel as though they weren’t fully thought out or given much impetus: he rescues orphans, wanted to retire as a novelist, mafia grunt that never kills (though he doesn’t quite qualify as a ‘criminal with a heart of gold’ like Chuuya because we never see him do anything criminal...but then again, we never really see the Port Mafia doing a lot of criminal things beyond murder). He also knows nothing about fairytales and apparently that makes him interesting -- and not an idiot(?) -- to Dazai. In short, like his ability name, he’s basically Flawless. Unless you count his breakdown in Dark Era when his plot devices...er...I mean, orphans that he rescued, each of whom are indistinguishable from one another (except Sakura because, she’s *the girl*) were killed by Mimic, which spiraled him on a Saint’s Martyr journey. 

OMG. He’s the Gary Stu of BSD. I never realized it before.

Er, I’m ranting. I didn’t mean to turn this ask into an Oda-Bash, and I mean no offense to his fans. We all connect to different parts of a character, and I just...didn’t connect to anything with him. That’s not to say I wouldn’t rise to the challenge as a writer of giving the character more depth than presented in cannon.

- I’m not so much a multishipper, as I don’t care about any other ships in BSD outside of DaChuu. Not much else to add to that one...

- I won’t be introducing any romantic pairings into the story that weren’t tagged in the first story of Release, because it would be wholly unfair to the readers who’ve stuck with me through to a fourth story to suddenly throw a curveball at them with potential notps. So, while there might be hints to other pairs (teasing, more like, similar to cannon), no new romantic pairs will be confirmed and the readers are free to interpret relationships between characters how ever they want...though I might note in comment replies my own preferences on those ships, that isn’t to say that the readers are wrong in reading into characters within my story their own shipping preferences since the characters are otherwise meant to be close to cannon, and there are no cannon ships...therefore, anything goes.

- I want to see Dazai and Chuuya move towards a healthier relationship in Release. As it stands, there are a lot of growing pains they would need to go through to get there. It’s not enough to “confess your feelings”, relationships are built on a lot more than that. They’ve got a lot of bad history, in cannon and as established throughout my story, that they need to work through. They have certain understandings that they relied on in the past to work with one another which no longer hold true, and so they have to figure out new ways to work together. There’s a lot made of the trust between them, also, in the story, they themselves and characters like Lady Murasaki have made mention of the solid trust between them. The problem there, however, is this trust predated their confession to one another, and is, therefore, built on a foundation that is regardless of love. So it isn’t really a great measure of the state of their romantic relationship -- a mistake, I might point out, Dazai may have already made.

- Not technically me that said this last one, but I would also refer you back to chapter 2 of Lock-Down, where Chuuya and Dazai briefly talk about Oda. Although Dazai is rather aloof about his feelings towards Oda there, he is very clear that he and Oda were never romantically involved while Oda was alive.

...

Something I haven’t really said, but I do want to create space for it here, is that there are many different kinds of love. When I set out writing Release, I wanted to keep as many things as possible close to cannon, I wanted the characters as close to cannon as I could get them, tweaking only what was necessary to make the story work. One of the things from cannon is that Dazai’s relationship with Oda had a powerful impact on it. I see a lot of soukoku writers deal with this by ignoring or downsizing the relationship between Oda and Dazai, or changing Dazai’s relationship with Chuuya to "elevate it” -- for lack of better phrasing -- to the same level. What can’t be denied about cannon is that Oda meant a lot to Dazai, his dying words inspired Dazai to leave the Port Mafia, and in the Beast AU, he changes *everything* and even, arguably, puts Atsushi and Kyouka through a kind of hell to create a world where Oda lives and finishes his novel. I would be a terrible fanfic writer if I didn’t at least acknowledge that it is made obvious in cannon Dazai does love Oda...however, it all depends on your perspective what kind of love that is. Odazai fans like to interpret it as romantic love, and that is their ship, nothing wrong with it, but romantic love isn’t the only kind of love with power, and it’s not the only kind of love that drives people to do whatever necessary for the life and happiness of that person. 

Within the context of the Release series, Chuuya also interprets Dazai’s love for Oda as romantic love. This itself is a conflict, but it’s representative of a larger conflict in their relationship...that being Chuuya’s insecurity with regards to Dazai’s feelings for him, which is a theme I really want to explore. I don’t know that it’ll ever explicitly be discussed, but a lot of the trauma from Chuuya’s assault by Dante is actually closely tied with this insecurity too. It isn’t Dante’s actions that affected Chuuya so terribly, rather the newness of his romance with Dazai at that point in time, and how easy it felt for him in that moment, for Dante to brush aside “Dazai’s kisses and touches”. It really represented for Chuuya how fragile and vulnerable his feelings for Dazai are, and how afraid he is that he’ll lose whatever is developing between him and Dazai before he ever really gets to call it his own.

An element of the Release series that I use to drum up drama and suspense, and which I try to impress on readers is that, with few exceptions, we’re only getting Chuuya’s perspective. His information is limited, and his interpretations of events and the people around him are not always going to be reliable. But we’re on this journey with him and we learn most information at the same time that he does. In this case, the important thing isn’t whether Odazai is a thing, it’s that Chuuya *believes* it is a thing. This creates a nice conflict, because it’s very problematic, highlighting that, while Chuuya trusts Dazai with his life, he doesn’t (yet?) trust Dazai with his heart. A partner secure in their relationship would be understanding that they’re not the only important person in their lover’s life, and that their lover can have strong emotions of love for others without it changing their love for their partner. Thus far, it hasn’t come up as a major conflict in their relationship, because Oda is dead, but recent revelations in the fourth Release story (the reliability of the character who gave the reveal, notwithstanding) raises some interesting questions stemming from: what if Oda could be brought back to life. Most readers seemed to have accepted Chuuya’s logic built on his personal narrative that Dazai was in love with Oda and vice versa, that if Dazai is trying to bring Oda back, he’s using Chuuya to do it as some sacrifice, because he truly loves Oda and wants to be with Oda, and that his relationship with Chuuya is meaningless. So, if we stay within that perspective we’re left with the one question: is he really trying to bring Oda back? -- and the conclusion drawn from it being: if he is, he doesn’t love Chuuya, and if he isn’t, he does love Chuuya. But there are some other important questions I don’t see too many readers asking, such as: are these things truly mutually exclusive? Would Dazai being romantically in love with Oda represent the only explanation for why Dazai would want to bring Oda back to life? Would Dazai really see bringing Oda back as being in conflict with his and Chuuya’s developing romance?

Of course, this added potential motivation for Dazai aside, stopping the Grimm Brotherhood is paramount. This is a dangerous organization that is doing horrendous things, and their mysterious machinations are made more ominous by the fact our heroes don’t fully know their ultimate goals. Thus far, everything that’s happened involving Chuuya has been beneficial towards bringing down the Grimm Brotherhood. Regardless if Dazai is pursuing the Brotherhood for personal reasons, his actions still align with the motivations of the Agency and Chuuya.

I don’t know if this answered your question but I hope that you might trust me as a writer that has no intention of “pulling one over” on the readers and that you will continue to stick with the story. I don’t get my jollies from leaving stories with unsatisfactory endings. I believe that there should always be an appropriate payoff that the story built towards. Thank you for the question, thank you for reading and enjoying my other stories, and I hope that you take care!

[astxlphe-fics]

Odazai Week 2020 / Day 1 

Fantasy AU + Trust // In the lost and founds of his shop, Oda finds a witch trapped in a book

Word Count: ~3700

Content Warning: some suicide mentions

Oda rings up the customer, placing the tome she is buying on the counter.

The Magia Libertas is a small, unassuming bookshop in a small corner of Yokohama. Its location it’s collection of unique, second hand grimoires makes it popular with the local magical population.  

“Have you found everything you needed?” he asks.

The witch nods. “With no trouble! Though I’ll probably be back tomorrow to spend some time upstairs, I saw you received the first edition of Altiorem ? But someone was already consulting it.”  

Oda takes great care in gathering those books to make his library of rare books as complete as he possibly can. It’s situated on the second floor of his shop, and open to the public, which his patrons never fail to appreciate.

"See you tomorrow then.”

“See you!”

She leaves. She’s the last customer of the day, and now Oda can focus on his latest shipment — some of those one-of-a-kind books he’s found that he thinks could belong in the upstairs library.  

He pulls out the cardboard box. They are never large shipment, usually only a handful of books, and this one is no exception. With a quick move of his cutter, he tears the adhesive and opens it.

With no surprise, he finds five books, wrapped in thick brown paper and a bubble plastic sheet to protect them during transport.  Carefully pulling the protective sheets away, making sure not to rip then while taking off the tape, he inspects each and every one of them.

That done, he enters them in the computer and moves upstairs to put them in the correct shelves — and finds a scarf left on the back of a chair.

He picks it up and goes to put it in the lost and founds — its owner will probably come back tomorrow for it, or maybe another day, and Oda doesn’t want it to get irremediably lost. It’s a nice scarf.

In the lost and founds there is a book.

He frowns. Books taken off the shelves are either placed back where they belong or left lying on desks for Oda to classify again.

It’s a book he doesn’t recognise. It’s very thin, the cover is black leather, blank, but he finds the title on the spine. No Longer Human.  

Opening it, he checks inside the cover for a price or a number, but finds nothing— so it doesn’t come his shop or his library. Where from then? Who could have forgotten it?  

Under the title written on the first page, are the words Do Not Open.  

Raising an eyebrow, he promptly ignores them, flipping the pages — they are all blank of words, though covered with lines and circles, until around the middle of the book, where he finds a picture.

It’s a black and white photograph of young man with messy hair, wearing dark clothes. His eyes are closed, his chin in his hand, and his elbows seemingly resting on the picture’s frame. His mouth is set into a scowl, like the picture was taken as he was bored out of his mind.

Weird book.

Then, the picture moves, his eyes opening and a dark smile suddenly making its way on his face. “Hello! Looks like someone found me!”

+

His name is Dazai, he is a witch, and he can’t wait to get out of this book. At least that’s what Oda gathers during their first interactions.

“How did you end up in here?” Oda asks, and Dazai shrugs.

“A mystery! They must have caught me sleeping! I figured if I waited long enough, I would end up dying. I didn’t.”

“So, the only dying you did was of boredom.”

He grins, an amused glint in his eyes. “Exactly! Now I need to get out of here, so I can die properly, you know?”

“Die properly,” Oda repeats flatly, and Dazai nods with enthusiasm. How long has he been in this book, he wonders, that he now only wishes freedom to die?

“Will you help me, Odasaku?”

He blinks, surprised. Is that a nickname? Oda did tell Dazai his name, but nobody ever calls him anything but simply Oda.  

“I’m not a witch,” Oda remarks. It’s not quite true, he simply hasn’t used magic in over a decade, though Dazai doesn’t need to know that. “I doubt I could be of much use.”

“Nonsense! You seem a perfectly capable —” He trails off, staring at the books lined on the shelves of the upstairs library. “— librarian.”

“Bookseller,” Oda corrects. “I sell tomes and grimoires, and collect rare books. You ended up in my lost and founds.”

“I see.” He taps his chin. “So, will you pull me out of my book?”

There are thousands of reasons Oda should say no.  

First of all, he doesn’t know this guy — maybe he doesn’t even exist, maybe it’s just an elaborate prank. And even if he isn’t, how did he end up in the book anyway? Unless he did it to himself, which is probably not possible anyway, someone probably had a reason to put in him there in the first place.

It seems to be a pretty effective way of getting rid of someone without the messiest and most annoying part — the disposing of the body. A good location for body disposal is always a pain to find. There is always some nosy guy to hang out in secluded areas.

This man is probably dangerous. Or maybe it’s a trap for whomever opens the book, or for Oda himself— he’s sure he still has plenty of enemies out there.

“Sure.”

+

“Morning~”  

“Good morning Dazai,” Oda answers, sitting at the desk. “Slept well?”

On the paper, Dazai laughs and knocks at the frame of his picture.  “Great, I got to stare at the ceiling all night. I saw a spider.” Then, he crosses his arms and leans on the frame. “So, found anything?”

“In my sleep? Unlikely.”

It’s been a few days now — a week and a half since Oda pulled this book out of the lost and founds, two weeks since he opened it to find Dazai trapped inside.

“Yesterday,” he says, “we tried to use the counter spell to a regular containment curse, and it didn’t work.”

“And so, it didn’t.”

Oda flips through one of the books he’s borrowed from the library. “But it has to be some kind of containment curse,” he notes.  “Or you wouldn’t be contained, in the first place. So far, I’ve found nothing about anyone being contained in a book, though —” he looks down at Dazai’s picture. “Are you sure you are not fictional?”

“I’m not!” He pouts. “I’ve been stuck in here for way too long to be fictional.”

“How long have you been here anyway?”

Dazai shrugs. “Could be anywhere between five years and five centuries.” At Oda’s deadpan stare, he smiles. “Joking! It’s been 56 575 days, I’ve been counting.”

It takes a few minutes for Oda to make the right calculation. “You have been here for over a century.”

“A hundred and fifty-five years,” Dazai corrects.  

Which means, if Dazai’s memories serve him right, he has been in this book since 1865. “It’s a long time. Especially if you can’t sleep.”

Dazai stays silent for a short while. “Maybe,” he finally says.

1865. One hundred and fifty-five years. What kind of spells were in use back then?  

The answer is in the book, obviously. He has about two hours before he opens up shop, and he uses this time to copy down the spell written on the pages — what he’s thought, at first, to be nonsensical lines and circles. Hopefully, Dazai will recognize them, or Oda will find those in some of the books in the library.

As long as Oda doesn’t activate the spell, he supposes it’s safe for him to copy it.

He makes a mental note to look into his books from about the mid-19th century — they potentially hold the answers he is looking for.

About half an hour before he is scheduled to open, he puts his pen down and shows the paper to Dazai. “Looks familiar?”

The witch stares at it in silence, and blinks slowly. Then, his face contorts into an annoyed grimace. “Fyodor,” he mutters. “The base is a containment curse, sure, but most of it is a custom-made pattern created by that rat. I messed with it, back then.” He leans back, grinning darkly. “We will be able to crack it in a few days once we can see the full array.”

Oda nods. It’s not like Dazai has anything else to do anyway.  

“I’ll open the shop now. Have fun.”

+

Sometimes, the kids finish school early and visit Oda at the shop. It happens pretty regularly — they come at the back and stay in the private areas of the shop, distracting themselves with books, the TV or a game console — but over the past week Oda managed to hide Dazai from them.

Until today.

Today Oda closes shop and enters the back room to find all five children gathered around the book.

“And so,” Dazai is saying, “he turned into a giant creature.”  

“How?” Sakura asks, fascinated.

“Well, you see, he had been badly cursed by a dark witch, which meant that as soon as the moonlight shone, he would transform into a bloodthirsty beast.”  

The children gasp, and Shinji hides his face behind his hands. “So?? What happened?”

“Don’t worry,” Dazai goes on, “for our hero met a talented man, who could, with a single spell, cancel the curse for a short amount of time. And the charitable soul he was thought what a shame it would be for such a nice young man to be cursed forever, so together they went to see a venerable witch, who could help break the curse.”

“Wait, who is that?”

“A man well-known throughout the land, by light and dark witches alike, for his kindness and his habit of helping people who needed it! They travelled far to find him, and to be free of his curse, the young man had to prove that he was worthy of it. He did, in the end, and was allowed to turn the curse into a gift.”

“And what happened to the dark witch?”

“This one? Well, they were locked away in unbreakable prison, so they could never plot against the innocent ever again.”

The kids cheer, and Oda claps slowly, bringing Dazai’s attention on him. “Having fun?”

“Oh, hello Odasaku~ I found those innocent little grasshoppers here.”

“More like they found you.” He ruffles Kousuke's hair. “Go get your things, kids, we will be going home soon.”

They all got to their feet and left the room, chatting loudly between themselves. Oda picks the book up from the floor where the kids put it down and sets it back on the desk.

Dazai sighs loudly. “I’m so happy you got there, Odasaku!” he whines. “They just...got there and telling them a story was the only way they wouldn’t put their sticky fingers all over my picture.”

“So, the great witch has found his match, uh? A gaggle of elementary school children.”

“You are laughing at me.” He narrows his eyes as Oda shakes his head. “You are! Don’t laugh at me!”

Oda doesn’t laugh, but finds the situation amusing anyway.  

+

The few books Oda finds mentioning Dazai describe him as some sort of monster, a devil prodigy, part of a coven of dark witches ruling the city’s underground businesses.

A man who murdered without a flinch, whose enemies’ greatest misfortune was that they were his enemies.

He checks the name twice to make sure. There is a picture — this one isn’t alive, he pokes it a few times just in case, and it's his Dazai all right.

On this photograph he looks younger, just as tired, and his eyes are dark and seem to be looking straight at Oda, empty and lost and bored like a child who doesn’t except anything of life anymore.

His finger traces the edge of the face on the picture. 

(He and Dazai, they’re not that different, in the end.)

+

“I looked you up, you know — Dazai Osamu, witch during the mid 19th century.”

“Ah, and what did you find? I’m curious about how I’m remembered, now that you mention it.”

“You’re pretty infamous.” Not remembered by many, but known in some tight circles . “I found several mentions of you in some of the obscure books in my collection.” He sits at the desk, starring evenly at Dazai. “A dark witch, with an impressive body count.” He pours himself a drink. “Went missing and was never seen again.”

“Well, that’s just not true.” He smiles, though it’s different from usual. It’s strained — and it’s more genuine than all his previous smiles put together. “You see me, don’t you?”

And Oda nods, slowly. “I do.”

+

“What will you do once you are out of the book?” he asks. “Do you have plans?”

“Suicide,” Dazai answers easily as he carefully studies the experimental array Oda is showing him — a result of researches in Oda’s old books and in Dazai own memories. “A wonderful, freeing death.”

“Won’t you want revenge?”

“Whatever for?”

“You were imprisoned against your will. Witches live far longer than humans, so I suppose you still have a shot. You remember who did it, don’t you?” He remembers Dazai mentioning a name, the first time he showed him the array.

“Fyodor.” He scowls — and it makes him look more like the other pictures of him Oda has found, the pictures of the murderous witch.  

“Who was—”

“A witch hunter,” Dazai explains, “who was a witch himself. He came for the covens of Yokohama with the intent of destroying us.” He lets out a short, dry laugh. “He failed, obviously, but he kept coming back again and again and, in the end, figured out I was the only one who could always see through his plans. So, he locked me away.” His eyes glint maliciously. “I couldn’t escape it, but I made sure he wouldn’t either.”

“You said you didn’t know how you were imprisoned?”

“I lied, obviously. You didn’t think I would trust you with the truth right away, did you? For shame, Odasaku, for shame!” He shakes his head.  

It makes sense, Oda thinks, though the admission that Dazai trusts him makes his chest warm.  

“I had very little time to read his full array,” Dazai goes on, “all I needed to do was to make sure it would turn against him.”

“If you go down, he goes down with you.”

“Exactly.”

Does that mean there is a book out there with a murderous witch hunter in it as well?

Brilliant.

Then Dazai shrugs. “I had a plan, of course! If this city is still around, I’m guessing they carried it out and he was defeated again. No need for revenge.” He stays silent for a second, and Oda wonders who is this they. Friends? Does Dazai miss anyone from his time? “Besides, I’m tired. I used to wait for death, but I think I’ll just kill myself instead.”

“But what if you didn’t?”

“What else would I do?”

“I don’t know — go back to the life you used to have or find your friends?”

“Oh, no way!” He shakes his head wildly. “And can you imagine? Going back after so long? The hat-rack will never let me hear the end of it.”

Did his people even look for him after his disappearance?

Oda pauses, thinking. “You could try to leave criminality behind and use magic to help people?”

He’s read everything Dazai did, and actually believes the stories — Dazai himself didn’t deny them. But a hundred and fifty-five years is a long time and Oda himself isn’t the most stellar kind of person, so writing Dazai off as a lost cause feels unjust.

“Does it really matter?” Dazai hums, looking pensively at the top frame of his picture. “The point of life is that you die at the end of it.”

“Maybe,” Oda tells him, because he kind of has a point. “But isn’t it why people will find purpose to their life and a reason to stay alive? Wouldn’t you want that?”

“No,” he shrugs, sounding oddly resigned, “sounds tiring. I just want to be free.”

Maybe he doesn’t, maybe he simply doesn’t want to be alone anymore, after losing his old life, after waiting for death for so long, after a hundred and fifty-five years of isolation. Maybe he thinks Oda will let him go and forget about him once they’re done.

But Oda won’t. He refuses to.

“And if I help you find one, would you give it a try?”

“To do what?” His laughter grates at Oda’s ears. “Open a bookshop?”

“Or stay in this one with me.”

That makes Dazai stare at him in silence for a while, before he shrugs. "Let’s just get back to work.”

+

Dazai is pretty quiet for the next few days.

They keep working on cracking Fyodor’s spell — it seems like it’s more complicated than Dazai made it sound like — but Oda has trouble pulling conversations out of him that don’t concern it.

Finally, Oda decides to speak. One of them has to do the talking, or it’ll be awkward forever. “I used to be a witch hunter,” he starts, and Dazai’s mouth snaps shut and his teeth clack together.

“You?”  

Oda nods at Dazai’s incredulity. “Sure. Even after witch hunting became illegal, many people were still willing to pay to have a witch killed. The rate went up, actually, I made quite a bit of money out of it.”

Dazai blinks. “I didn’t take you for the murdering kind of guy — are you going to kill me once I get out of the book? Please be gentle then~"

He shakes his head. “I stopped killing witches years ago, I’m not planning to start again. It’s why I don’t use magic anymore — I used it only to kill, so it has no purpose now.”

“That’s a shame, I won’t deny being kindly murdered by Odasaku would be quite pleasant.”

For him, maybe. Oda can’t think of any perks that comes with killing Dazai. The kids would be sad, and it would defeat the purpose of helping him find a point in life.

Then, Dazai peers at him suspiciously. “Wait, you said you weren’t a witch.”

“I lied,” Oda shoots back. “Obviously.” He smiles as Dazai bursts into laughter. “What I’m saying,” he elaborates, “is that I’ve been there and you can find something to do with yourself other than dying. I’m not pretending to be an example — I’m a terrible person — but dying is—” painful “—profoundly unfunny, especially for witches.”

They’re more resistant. Tougher than humans. Harder to kill.

Dazai still looks without a care in the world — but Oda knows better than to be fooled by it now. Dazai is considering it, he’s thinking about what Oda is offering. Oda wonders if it’s because it’s been over a century since someone genuinely worried about him and wanted his company.

"What will I do,” Dazai asks, “if I don't kill myself?”

“I don’t know,” Oda answers. “What would you like for us to do?”

+

They find the counter spell within the next few days. “That’s it,” Dazai says and he grins, eyes twinkling. “Now you just need to cast it.”

“All right.” He stands, and clears up the room. He pushes the desk against the wall, clears the floors of any stray papers and takes of the carpet. Then, he sets the book high enough so that Dazai can see what he’s doing and start tracing the array.

Spoken spells are volatile and anything could get it to overload. The wrong inflection on a word, too much fear, too much anger, too much anything. They are easy, though, to memorize and to cast.

Drawn spells, on the other hand, may be tricky — a single mistake can get it to blow in your face — but they’re reliable and difficult to tamper with. That Dazai managed to do it, all those years ago, is impressive.

“It’s perfect,” Dazai tells him when he’s finished.

Taking a step back, Oda sets the book at the center of it, and glances down at him. “Ready?”

“Is it worth it?” Dazai asks instead of answering.

It doesn't take long for Oda to know what it truly is about. About changing your goals. Going down a road you never considered before. Oda think about the kids, about the bookshop, about Dazai, and nods.

Dazai raises an eyebrow, then grins. “Let’s go, then.”

Brushing the array with the tip of his fingers, Oda focuses. He’s a witch too, though he hasn’t used magic in years, though he has killed countless of other witches.  

For so long, he has used magic for the wrong purposes. He stopped using it as he stopped killing, not seeing what use it could be — it’s a weapon, to him, an instrument of death.

But today he’s using it to save Dazai, and that, maybe, can turn it into a gift.

The array lights up, and the book bursts into flames.

“Dazai!” He can only stay frozen as the fire grows, heat washing over his face, barely noticeable against the ice-cold dread gripping his stomach. Then he springs on his feet and runs forward, looking for the book before it burns entirely, taking Dazai with it.

His fingers don’t find it — but they close around something softer than a hard cover, and it squeezes his hand as well until Oda pulls, tripping, tumbling onto his back while it falls on top of him.

The fire dies down as fast as it started, leaving behind a pile of ash and a very familiar man sitting on top of Oda’s stomach. He looks down, wide eyed, and Oda, breathless, raises his hand to rest it on his cheek.

Dazai leans into the touch. His hand rests on top of Oda’s and he smiles shakily. “Hello,” he says and his voice is low, like something is stuck in his throat.

“Hello,” Oda responds in kind, before he pulls him down and kisses him. Dazai’s breathe is warm on his face — he is breathing, truly breathing — and his lips are soft and real. Dazai collapses on his chest and Oda wraps his arm around him, pulling him close, not minding the hard wood under them, because Dazai is alive. “Stay with me.”

His laughter rings into the office, louder and brighter than ever. “What else would I do?”

[soukcku]

Odazai + 🌺

a/n: i wrote a part of this fic and then lost it, big f for me. but this version is better. 

~

Oda kisses gently. 

It’s something Dazai should have known to expect, should have been able to predict. And indeed, it’s not like he hasn’t thought about it, endlessly. Hasn’t plotted out in his mind every way this can go, every possibility and reason for how and why Odasaku might choose to kiss him. 

In the end it happens like this; Ango goes home early. Dazai gets steadily drunker, exhausted by the week he’s had and the demands the Mori places on his mind and body. Oda offers to walk him home, and Dazai—Dazai agrees. 

It’s silly. He’s the Demon Prodigy, he doesn’t need to be walked home like some drunk sorority girl—but Oda’s hands are warm on his body, firm. That alone makes Dazai wish he were a drunk a sorority girl, the kind pretty enough to coax a man into sleeping with her. 

Unfortunately. Well, that’s never going to happen. “No,” Oda says, amused. “I’m not sleeping with you while you’re this drunk. I wouldn’t sleep with a drunk sorority girl either, if it came down to that.” 

Dazai flushes, mortified. Hides his face in Oda’s shoulder, making him laugh softly. “I didn’t mean for you to hear that,” he slurs. 

“I figured,” Oda says, rubbing Dazai’s back. “We can forget about it, if you want. Or—“ 

“Or?” Dazai says, perking up. His thoughts are fuzzing, but he’s bright enough still to get what he wants. 

“Or I could kiss you,” Oda whispers. He’s staring down at Dazai, which in itself is a little jolt. He’s shorter than Odasaku, and that’s thrilling. Dazai doesn’t often enjoy feeling powerless, but Oda makes it safe to revel in helplessness. 

Dazai’s cheeks feel even warmer now, skin sparking with heat everywhere he can feel Oda’s hands. He closes his eyes briefly, processing, before tilting his face up. “Sure,” he murmurs. He’s so pathetically eager he wants to be ashamed, but somehow he isn’t. Something about Odasaku repels the worry that shadows every decision Dazai dares to take for his own pleasure. He can just want, and it’s fine. 

Being kissed feels good. Better like this than it’s ever been before, with Oda’s arms around him and the way he’s so, so gentle. Dazai didn’t think he’d be silly enough to get kissed while almost too drunk to really remember it, but—

He’s afraid, suddenly. “Don’t let me forget this,” he mumbles, as Odasaku pulls away. “Please, I’d hate to—” to lose this. 

Oda pulls him closer, letting him lean against his chest. A soft sound, like a laugh, shakes through him, but even that inspires no painful twist of humiliation or pain. He’s not being laughed at, he can be sure. “I won’t let you forget.” A brief press of lips against his hair, and Dazai sighs. “I’ll remind you again and again, if that’s what you want.” 

“I do want,” he decides. 

[abripikuunah]

Thalassophile

Pairing: Odazai (Oda Sakunosuke x Dazai Osamu) || Word Count: 5201 || Rating: Teen and Up (Imply Suicide, Light Angst, Fluff)

A/N: My first submission for Odazai Week! Day 3 ( Gakuen Au ) !!!!This has illustations so I hope you would like this gift of mine!  Comments and Criticism is very much appreciated and I want to here your thoughts! I hope you have enjoyed this fic <3.

Summary:

The footprints in the sand carries the existence of our adored past, but the waves full of painful memories has swept it all away...

Only the moon and the starless sky was present that time.

It was cold, so cold that the temperature feel like it was squeezing him, from his flesh reaching through his nerves and bones, leaving him breathless, but it felt right.

Water fills his insides as he let himself drown in the salty water. His hazy eyes watched the light of the moonlight reflect on the sea, imitating a barrier between his pathetic life and the afterlife he desired. He's so close to it, as he could feel the corner of his sight blurring. His insides are screaming in the burning sensation as they're about to be filled with ice prickling water.

So cold, very cold.

Just how it should be.

He closes his eyes, and let the flash of white overcome him and his senses.

But before that happens, a certain red stained all of it.

 “Oh…”

.

.

.

THUD!

That’s the last thing he heard before his vision was turned into complete darkness. He didn't know what happened after that. There's nothing to see, nothing to hear, just blankness. Had death finally consumed him whole, and threw him away from his miserable life?

No… that felt too cheap.

He isn’t sure where he is today, but the next thing he knew, he was staring upward at a white ceiling with a fan rotating to circulate fresh air.

‘I’m not dead.’

“Hey.” A voice calls from behind him.

He looks at the corner of his eye to see his company, just to make sure his guess was right. Red eyes that resembled the warm hues of the sunset in some sky; it felt so warm and comforting. Its radiance was soft, as if those eyes could relax Dazai just by looking at him. The two kept staring at each other, as Dazai smiles while turning his head, twisting his body for a bit before greeting back, “Hey-” Only to feel a sharp pain pricked somewhere in his brain  “Ow, ow it hurts…” The brunet mumbled, massaging his temples.

“Careful. What happened almost caused you to get paralyzed.” The other man sighs as he inserts a bookmark in the book and scooted closer to inspect the injured man. Dazai gave out a chuckle and was about to retort to assure the man he's alright, but his breath was caught in the air when he felt a thumb caressing his unbandaged cheek. He bit his lower lip before they hesitantly turned upward into a faint smile. “I'm fine, Odasaku. Of all people, you should be the one who knows that a mere slip wouldn't kill me.”

The red head looks at him with disbelief, “You never know Dazai.“ he says, his voice bold and strict. The younger man frowned at him, much like a toddler whose toy was taken. But can you blame Oda? Dazai might have survived all the punishments of his past mishaps or attempts, but in the end Dazai is still a human, born with flesh and bones just like the rest of them. Not immortal nor a being that could regenerate his wounds quickly. Granted, his body does have an impressive remark on healing himself for such a surprising speed but there would always be the time Dazai won't be so lucky.

“Geez Odasaku, I told you, I’m fine and as you can see, I'm well.” he opened his arms widely for emphasis, but was only given a raise of a brow in reply. “Though my heads hurts a little- but my body can manage.” A grin was etched on his face to assure his companion, and Dazai quickly changed the subject. “Getting gloomy when I just woke up, no? Let talk about something else shall we?” He then points at the hardcover book Oda was holding, “All those books that you've been reading, are they for your upcoming program?” He inspects the title as the red head nods. “My, you seemed excited to become a teacher~”

“Student teacher.” He corrects the brunet who sits up, “It'll just last two months. Starting from the second half of the semester until the last week of your third quarter. After that I'll go back to college and finish my degree.” Oda adds.

“Wahh!” Dazai immediately twisted away to raise his arm to cover his eyelids and make a dramatic fuss, ”Odasaku will leave me alone and rot at campus all by myself. So heartless and cruel of you, leaving your dear friend and lover like this.This pain is much worse than being tortured to sweet, blissful death-”

And he let out another exaggerated cry when a throb pulsed through his head.

The older could only watch the younger complain about his concussion without giving any help - until he decided to hold on Dazai's chin so he could reprimand him with a stern glare, “Maybe if you didn't keep yourself getting injured. We’re both college students attending the same campus now.”

Dazai opened his mouth, ready to protest, but when no words are able to form to escape his mouth, he immediately closes it before puffing his cheeks and shot back, “So mean,  Odasaku-sensei.”

That phrase causes butterflies in Oda’s stomach, but he doesn't want to cater to those thoughts for now. He gently pinches Dazai's cheek, who whines in protest. “Don't call me like that when we're both alone.” Despite the warning, Dazai gripped Oda's hand and smirked mischievously, “What was that, Odasaku- sen~sei~?”

Oda pinches a bit harder and Dazai yelps, “What am I gonna do with you?” the older sighs.

When he stops pinching, they stare into each other’s eyes. Dazai's pupils traced every feature of his partners face looking for slightest bits of changes other than the heavy eyebags that took toll on his skin - probably for staying up to check on him, Dazai deducts. But that mere thought gave a fluttering feeling in Dazai's chest.

At the same time, Oda just gazed at him tenderly, but noticed a little bit of redness in younger man’s cheek. Oda takes the initiative and leans towards Dazai's face to give a chaste peck on his crimson skin as an apology. When he pulls away, Dazai sits up properly and snakes his arms around Oda's neck while the latter placed the book on the nearest coffee table and lets the brunet take the initiative. Dazai then tries to catch his lips and soon after, their lips connect and share a innocent kiss, hopefully to express the words ‘I miss you’ and ‘I'm so worried’ through the contact. Dazai tilts his head to coax himself closer -

That is, until another pulse from his migraine hit him. He quickly pulled away, yelping a little while massaging the sides of his temples to relieve the pressure a little. “Rest for a bit, Dazai.” Oda instructs as he let out a deep exhale, “I'll let the doctor know you're awake.” He stands up, only for a hand to grab his wrist.

“Stay for a bit will you? “ the brunet pouts. “I don't know how long I was unconscious and I don't want to see the doctors immediately after I just woke up from that cold, soundless sleep.” He gently adjusted himself to the side, careful not to trigger anymore pain and extended his arm out, “Come here and snuggle with me, Sensei!”

“Stop that.”

“Never~” Dazai continued to tease.

Then Oda gave another glare down at the floor and was silent, but Dazai shyly looked up at him like a stray kitten.

“Please?”

Oda huffs in amusement as he shook his head. Honestly speaking, Oda doesn't have the will to refuse his lover, even if he didn't have to put up that adorable act. “Fine.” he declares as he walks back towards the brunet who smiles in victory.

“Okay but after ten minutes, I'll call the doctor.”

“An hour!”

“Dazai… Twenty minutes or I won’t make curry for you.” Oda argues.

“Ehhhh?! Fine.” He scoffs childishly.

When he walked towards the brunet, Dazai asks “That look on your face… Did I worry you too much?” he smiled as he watched Oda sit on the bed, the bedframe underneath squeaking in protest. When Oda’s weight sinks in the mattress, he helped Dazai settle in next to him, careful not to bump the syringes and pads connecting Dazai to the heart monitor and IV tube. Lanky arms wrap around Oda’s chest while the redhead gripped Dazai’s hips and pulled his body closer. Dazai sighed with bliss as he let his head rest on Oda’s chest. “See? I'm still warm Odasaku. I'm still breathing, alive. You don't have to worry.”

“Well you did fell on the stairs four steps away from the ground.” His companion says in defense, resting his cheek on Dazai's hair. “That alone is concerning and you can risk yourself bumping your head pretty hard and having an internal hemorrhage. Thankfully you didn’t break your spine either, since-”

“Odasaku,” the brunet stops him, “How many times do I need to tell you that I won't die that easily? Geez, a mere trip down the stairs is an embarrassing death after all. I don't want the neighbors to brand me, Dazai Osamu, the bandaged man that died because he fell of the stairs. I would be the laughing stock of the century if that happens!” He huffs, grimacing at the thought. “I would rather have a sweet romantic suicide with a beautiful lady. That alone is poetic.”

Dazai really likes to slip words in his tounge like water without thinking any consideration, Oda thought with a grimace on his face. Despite Oda getting used to hear his whims about suicide and tantalized about death accepting him from this ‘miserable cruel’ world, Oda can't shake off the thought of seeing Dazai in his deathbed. Even with spending much of his time lecturing the young man, the words coming from the third year’s mouth stings painfully in Oda’s chest.

But despite it all, he still continues to be with him, willingly to check up on him and make sure he's not alone because-

Because he loves Dazai.

“I'm just scared to lose you…” he finally admits under his breath.

“Not like last time...”

None of them uttered out a word after, Oda was only waiting for Dazai's reply, wanting to know how he would react, but knowing Dazai, he won't show anything at all. Dazai's breath was stuck in the air, unable to reply to his confession. He's glad that Oda cannot see his expression at this angle or he would probably jerk away from him if this man had witnessed the redness of his ashamed face. When he felt the grip on his waist tighten, he scooted closer and hid his face in Oda’s chest. “Heh, silly Odasaku…”

They continued to stay like that for minutes, Oda keeps stroking the fringes of his hair, Dazai keep listening to Oda's heartbeats pounding, thump thumping in his ears. They chatted about him being unconscious for two days, then onto the news that's happening in their neighborhood. The middle school graduates, including Nakajima and Tanizaki, were becoming first years and they would soon be Dazai's schoolmates. The other piece of news they discussed is that Kunikida, one of Dazai's ex-classmates, was offered a student teacher position at Dazai’s school by none other than Fukuzawa himself. But the big news they talked about was-

“What?!” Dazai exclaimed.

Oda had to live at his university for a whole semester - and to make matters worse, he was going to be leaving tomorrow. “Just how? The semester doesn’t start for another week or so, right? I thought you're okay with commuting?”

“It was sudden, but Natsume-sensei offered me to stay at his place for the time being since he thinks it'll be more practical and I would lose a lot of opportunities just by traveling everyday for a long period of time.” he kissed Dazai's cheek to lighten up his mood and assure him. “I'll be back next month. Don't worry.”

“Hmph, fine. But you better bring me something when you return back home.”

Home…

Those words make Oda chuckle as adoration bubbled up his chest, “Will do, Dazai.” As his lips pressed against his forehead.

This continued on until Dazai looks out the window and sees the view of the ocean from afar. A thought came into his mind, but Dazai hesitates if he should even mention it. But then again, this would be the last day the two of them would see each other until three whole months passed.

“Odasaku.”

So it doesn't hurt to try.

“You know, I made you worry for no good reason.” He starts, shifting from his position to meet his lover’s gaze. Oda looks at him with a brow raised. He smirks, “As an apology, I'll be doing you the favor of going to the beach with me. I think I’ll get discharged today anyway, since I think I'm a good shape now. It's been a while since we visited there together, what do you think?”

The older blinks at his partner’s invitation and looks at the ceiling to ponder. “Well…”

“Beside, I won't see you in months.” He adds, hoping to finally be able to convince the man besides him.

The redhead took a deep breath. He seems to be contemplating with his thoughts while Dazai waited for a reply, but then he felt Oda pulling away from his grasp. Oda stands up and fixes the collar of his shirt, “I'll go fetch the doctor then. I'll be back quick.” he turns around and gave a small tilt to check on Dazai, who just smiles.

“Hurry up then, while the sun is still up.”

----

Only the moon and the starless sky was present that time.

It was cold, so cold that the temperature feel like it was squeezing him, from his flesh reaching through his nerves and bones, leaving him breathless, but it felt right.

Water fills his insides as he let himself drown in the salty water. His hazy eyes watched the light of the moonlight reflect on the sea, imitating a barrier between his pathetic life and the afterlife he desired. He's so close to it, as he could feel the corner of his sight blurring. His insides are screaming in the burning sensation as they're about to be filled with ice prickling water.

So cold, very cold.

Just how it should be.

He closes his eyes, and let the flash of white overcome him and his senses.

But before that happens, a certain red stained all of it.

---

Scarlet eyes worriedly trailed behind the lean figure as Oda watched the boy excitedly take of his shoes while examining the beach. Fortunately, the doctor said Dazai was free to leave, but has to be cautious, not move his head so much, and not perform any heavy activities for quite awhile. “Be careful.“ he reminded the exuberant Dazai.

But his words seems to be ignored in the playful breeze as Dazai turns around, waving at Oda and shouting “Odasakuuuu!” before running back to him and yanking his arm to invite themselves closer to the sea. “Come on! You can't have me just enjoying the sea by myself! I would look stupid.”

“But the doctors said that you're not allowed to move your head too much-” he was interrupted when a finger was pressed against his lips.

“Oh hush and do me a favor by not reminding me about those cruel instructions by that doctor, and let me enjoy this last day of summer with you for a bit, okay?” Dazai fumed, but when he notice the darkness of Oda’s expression, his face shifted into worry.

Oda… Oda wanted to say no, the anxiety that's pounding inside his chest was demanding for him to decline and be strict. He wished to say he's already being considerate, escorting him to the beach despite these disturbing emotions that crawling up his spine. Yet he doesn't want Dazai to be upset, but in the end, he was afraid of both outcomes. He thought of himself as nothing but a coward.

A coward that let those horrible memories of the two of them being wrapped by the ocean’s deadly embrace be the sole reason behind why he’s scared to visit the place they used to favor so dearly.

Dazai, the genius that he is, seems to read the toll on his mind. So his expression softened, “Hey.” He calls out to Oda, who blinks and then stares toward him in acknowledgement. “I told you, this is my apology for falling down the stairs, so I promise I won't do anything stupid or do things that will make you even more worried, alright?” He smiles, brown eyes softly gazing at his partner.

The older man studies Dazai before he finally tilts his head down in defeat just by seeing those big eyes, as stubborn as they were soft. “Fine.” He saids before adding, “But if I see any small signs that you’re getting worse, we'll go home immediately.”

Dazai's mouth forms a grin of agreement and continues to drag his boyfriend along the shore. Oda watched Dazai - his face beams in delight, so bright and cheerful, but is he feeling happiness in his heart right now? Is he truly happy? He doesn't want to ask, but he wants to believe it. And if it was reality, then Oda wishes for him to hold unto those emotions till the very end.

The shore is where they're free, like the birds that flew away from the depressing earth and bathed in the warm glow of the radiant sun. This feeling of warmth and freedom is what he missed years ago.

Until that tale of a boy whose blood spilled over the shore would never leave his mind, no matter how hard he tried. In the end, those tales would only lead him to break.

But he wants to throw it all over the edge of the horizon and let him forget the uneasiness in his chest. The echoing reverie to see Dazai smiling again caused determination to well up inside him. If he could treasure and let that smile last, where his skin radiates brighter than the sun, those chocolate eyes that twinkled like the liquid gems of the sea, then Oda would do his damndest to suppress the dark memories and his overall agitation that has been mocking him.

A quiet smile etched up in Oda's usual expressionless face as he cherished the moment.

When they're close to the ocean water, the brunet lets go of Oda's arm, scoops a handful of water and throws it towards his companion.

“H-hey!”

Dazai lets out a childish giggle from seeing Oda glare at him.  Rolling his eyes, he starts to take off his shoes and decides to play along with the younger’s antics. “So you want to play it that way, huh?” He lets his voice sound murky and dark, like an overly dramatic villain.

“Uh oh. Sensei’s getting mad.” Dazai teased as he moved away urgently from Oda’s impending wrath. When Oda finally placed his shoes and socks on the beach, along with Dazai’s necessities, away from the ocean’s reach, he followed his partner with a smirk on his face. “Are you testing me?”

“And what if I am?” Dazai grinned, “Bring me your best shot Odasaku!”

Then Oda rushed towards Dazai, pulling him close in a tight embrace as their laughs echoed across the neverending sea.

------

His throat hurt, desperate as he gasped for air…

It feels so hard to breathe, his lungs are burning, it all felt dry.

He hears someone screaming, shouting, calling, its voice clawing deep in the night, but he doesn't realize who and why.

But when scarlet red was stained in his palm that has slowly been seeping away towards the water, a sign of a promising fate that would end in tragedy, he knew why.

It was his own bruised throat and no one else but himself who has been screaming underneath the dark night.

And the whole village were able hear the mournful screams of Oda Sakunosuke as he desperately tried to save Dazai Osamu, the boy whose blood was spilled in the never ending sea.

------

Eventually, darkness came and the moon has replaced the sun, soft light reflecting off the sparkling water of the ocean. The breeze was chilly as it softly caressed their skin that was still damp with the ocean water. Their fingers are laced while their bare feet sink into the sand as they walked around the shore.

They quietly talked about small things, between hushed voices and whispers, their fingers playing with each other as their conversation leads them nowhere in particular. They let themselves be steered away from the cruel reminder of time’s existence, away from reality, just away from everything to forget the burden in their outside worlds. They revelled in the normalcy as young adults who just wanted to be together, and enjoy each other’s presence.

But now that it's dark, it feels like they're slowly breaking away from their own illusions.

So they talked and talked as if tomorrow would never come.

Until they finally have nothing to say to each other anymore, and only the rushing water singing a soft melody to accompany the evening air could be heard. Their arms are close as if they could feel each other's pulse, both are alive and well. Dazai watches the waves reaching towards them, occasionally kicking the salty liquid half-heartedly for amusement, while Oda's eyes travels at him. Both men are buried their own thoughts.

If Oda wants to guess what's going inside Dazai's mind, it would probably be about his fascination about suicide.

Drowning is the method he always favored, Oda know this, it pains him to say it but he has witnessed it many times before. Dazai told him that whenever he sees the beach, it feels like an open gate for him to escape his way to escape reality. The place where he looks upon to to let his thoughts be free within the wind and a place where he can enjoy himself.

A place where he would marry death.

Oda blinks for a moment as they halt their movements, none of them utter a single word but Oda stared at Dazai expectantly. The brunet eyes however, despite uninterested, traveled towards the cliff making Oda followed his direction of sight.

Oda would admit that there was something that always worried him about Dazai. Dazai’s mind was so sharp and intelligent, far more than was good for his sake, and it reminded him of a cliff towering over the sea, enticing humans to explore it but like a promising death and despair should they make one false move, even if it was to turn back and flee. Breaking the wild silence, Dazai finally mutters, "It's been eight years since we both visited here, no?" Oda was only able to hum in reply. "Eight years..." He repeats, as if he trying to properly taste of those words in his mouth. Before the older has the chance to interrupt, the other continues to speak, "Since then, everyone treated me differently. People started to be distant. They're always worried, they think that I could blame them. Though I'm not sorry, either. After all, even I wanted to be distant away from myself." 'Away from this world...' It was unspoken but nevertheless, Oda can hear it out loud in the heavy air. "Dazai-"

He interjects with a small voice, "But you..." He pauses, biting his lip until he was able to form the proper words , "You treated me the same. You always gave me normalcy, no matter what." “Despite this disturbing tendencies of mine, you still accept me as who I am.” But then, Dazai turned his head and faced him as he gave an unpleasant stare, almost starring past Oda. "If I wanted to be honest Odasaku, I want to read all the pages of your book to understand." Oda felt his fingers were gripped tightly as if they would slip in mere seconds away in his grasp the moment it loosens.

“What don't you understand?” He asked, rubbing his calloused thumb at Dazai's to provide comfort, gesturing him to tell his thoughts out and not to be afraid to speak the truth.

“I…” His voice trails off. Eyes watching their laced fingers for an encouragement.

“You still kept seeing it right? That moment where I almost died.” he breathed out.

Oda will always remember, he will never forget how terrified he is to see Dazai in the bed, heart weakly beating, skin colder and whiter than the snow of winter. How everyday it pains him to see that time, when his life was held by a single thread, ready to snap both Dazai's life and Oda's sanity.

Dazai's eyes looked deeply into his, searching for a sign if he should stop or not. Oda doesn't speak but he nod to beckon the younger to continue.

“Since then, you hated going here because you always remembered, and despite knowing that, I was still selfish and asked you to go with the beach with me. And you made an effort to grant this wish of mine and went along.” He breathed out as he finally asks.

“How do you do it?”

He was gazing so deep into Oda's eyes, that he flinched for a bit when he felt a warm hand stroke his cheek and brush the hair on his face. He really doesn't understand why; it was so foreign, so new no matter how many time he did that. Regardless, it was still comforting and serene.

Oda glances down before he looks back at him again and gave out a small smile. “We are all humans. All born with our own flaws and our selfishness. I don't want to sound like a hypocrite, but whatever selfishness and flaws you have, it still adds the fact that it made you the Dazai Osamu I fell in love with.” He admits.

Dazai pretended not to be flustered but the redness of his cheeks betrayed him until Oda casually added, “For me, one of my selfish desires is to see you smile and grant the promise I made.”

His eyes widen, mouth hanging, If the brunet's face was dusted with red before, then his face right now is almost at a tint of a tomato.

“Seeing you happy today is enough for me.” Oda continues, leaving Dazai breathless. It wasn’t the first not going to be the last, but...

Never once can a person leave the garrulous Dazai hanging wordless. He cannot think of any befitting words to shoot back at his lover. But he still felt obligated to continue the conversation. In the end, after what felt like an eternity, he was only able to say

“Thank you.”

The voice was low and faint but the wind managed to carry it to Oda’s ears.

“I had fun today.” Dazai murmured, after having the courage met those scarlet eyes once more with his, a sincere smile etched in his face as the dimples pops out of his cheek to signify how genuine his expression is. “And I'm glad you have as well.”

Oda can can feel the tip of his ears burning and was only able to pat Dazai in the head. “I'm glad. After all, anything we do together is fun.”

Dazai huffed out a breath and forged a knowing smirk, “Not as fun as yourself.” He reciprocated.

Oda was only able to raise a brow out of confusion, not knowing what he meant as the other could only laugh in delight. Dazai pinched Oda's nose while the latter grunted in protest.

After rubbing his nose, Oda noticed the full moon staring up at the sky. Dazai followed his gaze and mumbled, “Time really flies fast, huh. It feels like yesterday we were just kids playing here with Ango, and I just woke up a minute ago from being unconscious. But the reality is, many years have already passed since then.”

Oda can only hums in concordance. “It's getting late.” He finally reminds Dazai and himself about the unfortunate reality of the world they live in. “It's time to go home.” He sighs as he watched Dazai groaning in disapproval.

“I don't wannaaa.” He whined, eyes begging for consideration from Oda. He clings on the Oda’s arm and continues protesting. “Besides, where Oda is is my home.” He declares but after a few seconds of a starting match with his boyfriend, he finally, reluctantly, agrees.

“Come on. Let's go at your place and get you showered.” Oda then walks, escorting Dazai towards the exit where the main street is. The prodigy walks in tow, a mischievous smile on his face.  “Aww, then why not we shower together so you can warm me up?” His voice tingles with a certain promise.

Oda, however, chuckles at the sly suggestion, “That is nice, but I have something else in mind”

“Oh?” Dazai eyes glistened with curiosity. He leans toward Oda's shoulder and pressed his cheek against it affectionately, “This better be interesting since you're able to turn down such an offer. Tell me about it then.”

“Well.“ he paused, and looked around the beach so he could let the revelation of the surprise be dragged on longer. The brunet still saw through his own antics and kept nudging him to go on. Finally, Oda said, “While you're taking a shower, I would prepare a dish I just learned how to make a while ago.”

Dazai tilts his head for emphasis, “Oda will cook something for me! Does it have crab?”

“Crabmeat and Zucchini with Kofuki and homemade mochi.” He announced.

Excitement flashes on Dazai's face as he then took the lead, dragging Oda hurriedly behind him like a child, “Let's hurry then, I’m hungry - and snuggling can come after!”

Those words sowed warmth in Oda's chest.

To see Dazai's heart right now set in the right place, his mind not hidden away in the shadows where his demons kept whispering to him. To be able to witness his genuine smile and hold his now warm hand. It's enough to Oda. Even though he rarely, if ever, displays this sincerity to anyone else, if he kept holding his hand and let him know his presence will always remain there, to encourage him and support him, then maybe he would finally fully open up to them.

They might be back to reality now, where the complicated system of life and all its problems would never change. But there would be a time where they have nowhere else to go but wander aimlessly. Regardless of what life brought them, they will face it nonetheless and survive through the cruel seasons. They will hold each other close and take each other's hand and never let go.

After all, that's their oath towards each other.

--

‘Even if you will drown in your own abyss that will consume you alive… take my hand’

In a small little ward, a young boy vowed a pledge to a dear friend of his, who looks at him with hollow eyes.

‘But what if I don't take it? What if it's all too late?’ He asked, studying his redhead companion carefully. The redhead suddenly grabs his hands, and without hesitation he declared-

‘Then I'll catch you in my arms and won't let you go.’

…

It was a memory that they would forever hold.

For once, light was evident to the young patient’s eyes. For once, he didn't feel alone. For once, he had seen the faint ray of the light . For once, the boy who accepted that he would never be loved believed a promise.

A promise to hold him .

And Oda will stay true to his words, and he will never let go.

Not now...

Not ever.

.

.

.

Sadly though, their paths followed the unpredictable ebb and flow of the stormy waves of life.  

And the only certain things within life is the bittersweet endings and broken promises.

-THE END-

[goddamnitdazai]

wasted nights. | odazai

{ tw: self-harm, mentions of self-harm, suicidal thoughts, mentions of suicide, past self-harm } words: 3,941 His name held a weight carried by no other man on this earth. For as long as Dazai could remember the world around him had unceremoniously remained monotone in hue. Vibrancy subsisting as an adjective worth as much as the gum stuck beneath a schoolboy’s desk. Meaningless, a playful word met with unbridled disinterest because in the greys and blacks there was nothing of ‘vibrancy’. His attention remained only, and minutely, when he found himself amused in the strings of puppets and playthings purposely dancing in front of him to engage in what he could consider amusement. But vibrant? No. Though, nothing could compare to the elated spring in his step when he sang out those four separate sounds. For the amusement of irritating Ango, and for his own hidden lightness when the response sprang back his own name in equal interest. ‘Od-a-sa-ku~

Watching his prey fall to meticulously laid traps held the second highest rank in his list of enjoyable things left to him on this endless carousel. As always there is a first place, but the holder of that position remained a semi-unknown oddity by Dazai’s own doing for there was a strange twinge in his heart at the thought of the secret falling in to the wrong hands. A secret that Dazai could not place under the category of vibrant though his eyes would often spark in golds highlighted by the bar lights on the evenings he found himself in treasured company. Something uncannily exhilarating ringing out in Dazai’s cheery voice to be met seconds later with a mirrored exhilarance that Dazai had not been able to forsee. Answers he didn’t understand completely and would spend hours, sometimes days, lying in his office wondering where such a comment or reaction could stem from. When the heaviness was becoming too much Dazai often found himself searching for other ways of...amusing himself. Accident tallys left on his skin didn’t match up with injuries on the job and those combined did not reach the amount left on his own accord. By attempts to flee this world or merely a way to stop the obnoxious dread that pricked at his skin. They all left the same reminder that he was able to ignore until the bandages would begin to itch. Dazai wasn’t fond of knives--they bored him, and only in the utmost of lazy times would he lower his standards enough to use one. There were much better ways to pass the time when his mind twisted and spiraled into black smoke. Uncatchable by even his own hands although for the most part Dazai was too lazy to care. “Odasaku!” Genuine surprise. Curiosity. Fragments of something Dazai didn’t quite understand bundled in four syllables. Rarely did anyone enter his office without prompting much less without knocking first. Despite the high-pitched singing of the man’s given identity Dazai felt that name roll off his tongue as if it were coated in sludge. A sharp jolt striking up his spine at the aforementioned man idling as still as a statue in the doorway. Red hair standing out against the plain walls and disheveled books lining the mahogany shelving. Dazai could feel Odasaku’s eyes trace up and down his bare skin now exposed under the dim moonlight. A glow from the standing lamp in the corner offered little shadowing to Dazai’s body from where he was standing in front of his desk. Shoes kicked in different directions and shirt hanging limply around his waist still tucked in to his dress pants. All bandages from his torso up shredded in to bits of thin stringy fabric strewn about his office floor as if a wild raccoon had come in and thrown a party with his medical supplies. “This is so unexpected~” Dazai keeps the ruse going, but he knows better. One hand pinching the end of his bandage roll in the midst of trying to rip a new patch off while the other arm drips thick puddles of crimson onto the hardwood floor. In the small length of time Dazai had been standing naked from the waist down enough blood had fallen to create a blossom at his feet. This is why he never bothered getting rugs despite the scuffing of shoes and marks from Akutagawa’s nails and teeth. Dazai curls his shoulders in stupidly as if the subtle movement would shroud the entire mass of his marred and open skin from Odasaku’s curious eyes. “I would have cleaned up had I known such a visitor would be gracing me tonight!” He glances back over his shoulder good eye looking past Odasaku at the cracked door rather than at the man he so often sat next to for hours on end having uncanny conversations that led to strange situations and topics. Things no one else bothered to discuss with him, and most were too scared. Dazai preferred it that way. This seemed karmatically fair in a way, he supposed. Dazai had memorized every subtle mark, scar, and blemish on Odasaku’s face. Dark, stubborn hairs that continued to sprout up every few days no matter how closely or often Odasaku shaved. When Odasaku would wind up at the bar after being radio silent all day Dazai could see the difference in his hands. When he used his knowledge to subdue someone rather than engage in a fight with weapons he’d often have marks signaling a struggle. Even the smallest, nearly under-a-microscope incision would catch Dazai’s attention immediately. His marks were probably visible from the fucking moon right about now. “Odasaku are you going to come in?” Dazai’s coat was flung off somewhere. White shirt a mangled mess of fabric, blood, and smelling of some ancient chemical he couldn’t find a name for. He’d mixed it after reading something he’d stolen from Mori’s office. It did the job. His arm was proof of that. Upon hearing footsteps Dazai’s body stiffens, but before there is a passing of eyes Odasaku’s foot closes the door behind him leaving the two men in alone with the moonlight and faint glow from the single lamp in the corner. He exhales a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. He’s had worse, he thinks to himself in the trapped silence. Practiced indifference tied up in a smile incredibly sinister despite the normalized expectation of what a true smile meant. Blood was nothing but an irritant that forced him to get his laundry done rather consistently but even with the frequency of stains and rips Dazai tended to leave the evidence strewn about on his floor for days on end.  This, though, was an actual rarity nobody knew about. Dazai hated these four walls the most. Being trapped by things that held no interest to him with stacks of reports and reminders of Akutagawa’s shortcomings. And, he could be found here. Though the view--he couldn’t knock that even if he wanted to. Yokohama shimmering in gold fragments as the shadows of twilight cast their darkness along the streets hiding those who needed it. Night was the only acceptable time to be in here. When he wasn’t sought after and Mori had left for the day. Nobody would bother him. Except Odasaku, apparently. Bothering wasn’t the right word. Surprised? Yes, better. Odasaku surprised him here and if it had been under different circumstances he would be able to do more than stare out at the man like a deer caught in the headlights. Odasaku keeps his hands steady in his pockets eyes remaining on Dazai. Reading his body language, drinking in the sight of the executive without his bandages. He wasn’t shocked by what was under them, though their frequency and abundancy struck a chord in the man’s chest that seemed to lock up his throat.“Let me.” Odasaku says, breaking the unnatural tension he feels rising at Dazai’s silence. Dazai was never silent. Not around him. Dazai feels the rumble of Odasaku’s footsteps in his chest. Vibration jarring up his legs making the skin tingle. When had Odasaku been here last? Had he ever? Dazai tries to restart his mind but the ache from the wound mixing with the pills he’d taken earlier slowed his normal process, and for some reason he felt like his skin was on fire. He watches Odasaku’s form ease forward coat shrugged off the taller man’s shoulders with ease and thrown on to a nearby chair. “How bad is it?” Odasaku asks, pointing to Dazai’s arm wet with blood and half-assed gauze. Dazai smiles brightly. “Odasaku~ no need to worry about me. I’ve dealt with worse on my own! Let’s go to the bar I need a drink and this office is so stuffy.” No matter how cheerful his voice he could already tell Odasaku was not going to leave without seeing his wound be tended to. No one had ever been this close to him before, not when he was open like this. Each muscle in his body tenses at once and the hairs on the back of his neck spring up. Dazai fights off a shiver. The urge to shroud himself from prying eyes that look through him like glass. Exposed. He didn’t care about the arm. Stitches, gauze, he’d be alright. Odasaku’s eyes were burning holes in him. Following the path of each criss-crossed and pink scar drawing uneven lines and dips against the paleness of his skin. How many had Odasaku been able to count in this short period of time? His back was probably the worst, and his shoulder. All of which was being displayed to Odasaku from the angle and fuck if he didn’t want to punch himself for not locking the damn door. “Sit.” Odasaku never commands anyone, not with the veracity and darkness Dazai did. Same effect, strange. Or perhaps it was Dazai’s lightheadedness and unnatural skittishness that leads him to sit down in one of the chairs at the front of his desk. Good eye watching Odasaku’s every move with morbid curiosity. What would he think of Dazai now? The question proceeds to burn a hole in the back of his throat. More silence. Dazai could hear his heart pumping blood too quickly in his ears. Odasaku rolls his sleeves up one at a time and reaches for Dazai’s bandages forgotten on the floor. Strips of alcohol wipes and a few patches of gauze still strewn all over the place make their way to Odasaku’s larger hands. Setting each one up on the desk in the order that he’d need it. Dazai wanted to laugh at his meticulous layout. Odasaku was not an extremely detailed person in that fashion though he knew from personal experience Odasaku tended to stick to a routine when in his own element. Breakfast and coffee after showering, sitting at the right spot at the table to watch the sunrise. Eggs and toast. Black coffee one sugar. Repeat. Dazai crashed on his couch enough times he knew the sound of Odasaku’s morning by heart. His heart rate wouldn’t stop elevating and the shift in position made it ten times more noticeable like someone was pounding on a war drum inside Dazai’s chest. Odasaku’s leg extends back foot hooking around the bottom of the chair behind him to pull it up allowing him to sit on Dazai’s injured side. The sound rattles the room making the elder man cringe slightly. “Sorry.” Dazai blinks at him. For what? His smile returns, a mix of the facade and true confusion at the apology. “Odasaku you can’t apologize for an object.” Odasaku blinks back at Dazai. “Sorry.” Dazai chuckles nearly forgetting about the ragged shirt hanging from his hips until he feels Odasaku’s breath fan down his bare shoulder when he leans forward to grab the alcohol wipes. Dazai’s lungs freeze up halfway through an inhale forcing a strange, mangled cough and gasp to come from his lips. “Are you alright Dazai?” The concern in Odasaku’s voice makes Dazai shift away sheepishly. Unamused by the strange sound his body just emitted. “Of course! I told you I’ve had worse injuries!” He sings, eyes drawing in to focus on a single light reflecting gold in the building across the street. What the fuck was wrong with him? Dazai straightens his posture residing his one good hand in the pocket of his dress pants as they always were. Hiding his best attributes other than his mind--or that’s what Mori said anyway. A full moon hangs high above the paralleled building outside dropping Yokohama in a deep, navy canvas of shadows. Lack of stars pinpointing the fragmented moon as the shining beacon tonight with no other distractions to take away from its pale beauty. Dazai watches Odasaku carefully unwrap the bandages in the most delicate manner. It was hard not to laugh at the unnecessary care for the inanimate roll of cloth, but he would not be Odasaku if the action were performed any other way. “Sit more towards me. It’ll be easier.” Again, his commands are never harsh and bone-chilling like Dazai’s, and Dazai couldn’t wrap his head around it. He enjoyed seeing the fear dilate their pupils thirteen times over and the skin on their face fall paler than the moon outside. Odasaku’s commands felt more like a suggestion, but Dazai knew when the elder man was truly issuing a command there was no option to do otherwise. The chair dips beneath Dazai’s weight and he’s suddenly too aware of how he looks without his bandages and shirt on. Scars unhidden now that the angle had changed and the shadows he so desperately tried to cover himself with were two inches too far to the left. A wave of panic that he had not felt in years begins to blossom from his chest reaching out to the tips of his fingers descending down to the tips of his toes. Sweat begins to bead at the nape of his neck hidden beneath dark chocolate strands unruly and partially blood-soaked from earlier. “Does that hurt?” Odasaku’s voice snaps Dazai from his panic-induced daze. Eyes shifting down to see the man’s hands carefully sliding disinfectant pads over the cuts. Blood trailing the white cotton soaking up nearly to the tips of Odasaku’s fingers. Whatever Dazai had concocted led to an interesting, although painful, reaction. The initial sting drove away the darkness. Gave his mind something to focus on rather than the deep oceans of emptiness and boredom that made him long for a noose. After a few minutes it began to tear his skin away from his arm as if a lion had tried to claw off his flesh and muscle for a feast. “These cuts are deep, Dazai. You should have treated them sooner.” They’ll scar now. Why didn’t Odasaku finish his sentence? Dazai felt like he’d swallowed a mouth full of cotton. “I was busy~” He sighs dramatically. Could Odasaku tell he was pushing harder to keep his voice light and airy? Under any normal circumstances of his company the light feeling in his heart was true and happened to come out in his voice. Now, he mimicked that around those he didn’t want being comfortable with him. To be thrown off when his voice dropped and the mafioso in him began to shine through. Demonic prodigy, yet here he was splayed open for the world to see all the scars and imperfections littering his upper body. Vulnerable. Dazai hated that word more than he hated seeing Akutagawa waiting for him at his office door. Odasaku glances up at him blue eyes glossed in exhaustion yet the color seemed to pierce through Dazai’s chest keeping his attention and sewing his mouth shut. Dazai waits, unblinking, for Odasaku’s response. Nothing comes and he can’t tell if the silence is choking him or if it was the smell of blood and alcohol mixing together adding to the lightheadedness he felt from rapidly losing that much blood all at once. “Then come get me next time.” A true command. The words stick in Dazai’s ears. Next time. His hands weren’t soft, Dazai didn’t expect them to be. Handling guns and laboring with a shovel at times to dig graves, climbing fences and walls to chase and threaten thugs not worth ‘true’ mafia time didn’t leave baby soft skin. This felt more natural, though. Mori’s hands were soft and Dazai hated the way it felt on him when he’d patch up a wound even before he agreed to join the mafia. Besides, Mori only saw the scarring when he forcibly treated Dazai in the clinic, but back then it wasn’t nearly as abundant on his body. Mori’s hands were cold, too. Chillingly so that each touch made Dazai jolt back which only led the doctor to laugh at his reaction. ‘Dazai-kun of all the things to dislike you dislike the cold?’ No. He didn’t like being touched, or pain. One was uncomfortable and the other..unnatural. He didn’t mind Odasaku’s touches. Even with scruffy hands he had more delicacy and intricate movements than Dazai had expected. Fingers working through the cuts without spreading blood up his arms, one hand working to clean the frayed edges while the other holds Dazai’s shoulder in place to keep from wasting the cleansing wipes. How odd, he thinks for a moment. Why? “Odasaku,” Dazai instinctively smiles, “why are you being so careful? There’s lots in my desk.” He catches the changed of expression of Odasaku’s face. Thin lines of concentration dissipating for a moment as he blinks and takes in Dazai’s question. “I don’t want to be wasteful. In case you really get injured and we run out of them.” He states. Dazai’s breath catches in his throat. He wasn’t expecting that. We--we? “It would take twenty minutes to convince you to go to the doctor or see a nurse here. It’s easier if I help you, and I don’t want to waste time running out to get more supplies.” Odasaku continues as if he’s speaking about the weather. Dazai’s tongue falls numb. Body buzzing and head coming to a screeching halt. Maybe it was the bloodloss, that had to be the cause. Odasaku was always one to surprise him and Dazai could hit back with a reply within seconds, but the assumption--no, command, that Dazai would seek out Odasaku each time he fell into this revolving occurrence threw him off his game. Odasaku truly wanted to nurse Dazai back to health. Dazai wanted to smirk like the devil he truly was. Odasaku treating Dazai, the demon, like a fragile helpless lamb. Why? For what? His thoughts are cut short upon the feeling of Odasaku’s fingers tracing one of the deeper, older scars on Dazai’s shoulder. From the curve of it nearly down to the bend in his elbow. Self-inflicted, one of many in that area. One of the fewer where he used a knife to satiate the need for release in that instant. After Mori slit the old boss’s throat. Dazai’s body snaps completely rigid, the only feeling left is the tingling trailing Odasaku’s finger. Shockwaves. Dazai’s throat grows dry. “Does that hurt?” Odasaku asks earnestly, watching pale skin pebble beneath his fingertip. Dazai can only shake his head. It didn’t. His eyes flicker to the left watching the moonlight dance on the paneled wall where he hid a government port. All of a sudden he really wanted a reason to go through the information and find something, someone, to play with. Odasaku’s fingers still for a moment before they retract. Dazai forces the air out that his lungs had trapped. “This one is longer, I think.” Odasaku says unbuttoning his shirt deftly letting the edges pop open, right shoulder bouncing up and down a bit to let the fabric slide off. Dazai quirks a brow curiously. Until he sees it. Knife mark, old. From his collarbone down disappearing from view in to the arm of his shirt. “Odasaku.” Dazai starts, but doesn’t know how to finish. Goosebumps roll down his spine. Who did that? It looked old..nearly as old as his, but where they dead? Of course not. Odasaku didn’t kill anymore, but Dazai would. He opens his mouth then closes it again. Eyes locked on Odasaku as he pushes his shirt back up leaving the top two buttons open in favor of going back to cleaning Dazai’s arm. The younger man watches in silence, unsure of what to say. Words tied to the back of his throat and he can’t help but wonder how many other scars are hidden beneath that shirt. Stories. A lifetime ago, two days ago. Did Odasaku know where Dazai got his from?

The thought makes him sick to his stomach. Dazai averts his eyes a second time trying to find that patch of blood still left on the wall from whoever had this office before him. An executive the old boss killed, probably. He never cared enough to ask and still didn’t. His fingers twitch, cold. The wound was cleaned, at least. “I can handle the rest by myself Odasaku~ No need to waste a night on me in this office. Let’s go to the bar! I’m sure Ango is worried sick about us.” He grins wide, hyper-aware of his visible and pebbled skin. Odasaku glances up at Dazai blinking twice before he speaks. “There is never a night wasted between us, Dazai.” He states, smile small and fragile before it falls from his features to be replaced with a look of concentration. Silence. Dazai can feel his heart pounding in his ears. The echo, the unbalanced flutter in his stomach and unknown warmth spreading from his arm. From the bloodloss, maybe. He bites the inside of his cheek staring down at the man beginning to rub topical on his flayed skin. “Isn’t there?” He doesn’t recognize the sound of his own voice. Two steps left of soft and...tepid. Why? Dazai bites his lip harder. His question raises Odasaku’s head again, larger hands stilling on his skin. A flicker of silver catches against deep blue eyes full of concern. “No, there isn’t.” Odasaku answers simply. Truthfully. As if the question itself was ridiculous, but there is no scoffing or abrasiveness in his tone. Dazai, once more, can’t breathe without it scratching his throat. Can’t speak. Needles in his tongue. Odasaku returns to the task of numbing the thicker cuts around the edges. “This won’t feel too good.” He comments, looking up at Dazai for conformation. The brunette simply nods in understanding. Body relaxing and heart rate beginning to slow. If he tensed it would throw the stitching off, and he didn’t want to trouble Odasaku. The man would spend hours perfecting them like it was his only task in his lifetime. After a few minutes the tension in Dazai’s body dissipates completely. Leaving him slightly hunched and slumped on the chair watching Odasaku work the skin closed. Delicately. There is nothing delicate about Dazai. Only what is given to him, in this very moment, and once the doors shut it would slip through his fingers. He didn’t mind it. Moments were never meant to be more than an eventual memory and even then they would fade away. Perhaps this wouldn’t. It was etched in his skin, anyway. Lines drawn in the sand far enough away from the ocean that the water doesn’t reach it. Permanent. He didn’t mind this one, though. Not right now. The way it came about on his skin--the ending, not the process. Odasaku tilts his head to get a better view. Dazai mimics it without a second though. Night drawing on, slowly, lazily. Never wasted.