#This is gonna sound weird but Christmas is like. An internet holiday for me

[edettethegreat]

Merry Christmas!!! 🎄🎄🎄

aw thank you!! Merry Christmas/happy holidays Wakanai!! And I’m guessing you’re done with finals/final assignments now, so (if your school didn’t give grades yet) good luck with the grades this term—I’m sure you did great on everything!!

[aggresivelyfriendly]

Tis the Damn Season

Chapter Five- Santa Baby

Hello, I took a couple weeks, because life can be busy, and mine is changing, but here is a little 🎁!

Thanks to @dirtystyles, she’s the real gift!

"What are you wearing?"

"I'm sorry, but what?"

 It was all she could think to say. Emma hadn't heard from Harry in months. In August he had sent her a random picture of him in a collar with long hair. She knew he had chopped his hair months ago, it had caused an internet flurry and was one of the few times he'd emerged from hibernation. She might be miffed that his year-off apparently didn't include visiting her. Not that she had asked him to.

She'd never ask.

Emma might also be incredibly miffed that he had cut off his glorious hair. She'd rocked herself to sleep many a night thinking of the way it felt trailing ver her chest, then stomach, in the crevice of her thigh. The crunch and silk of it between her fingers when she got it between her fingers at the end of that path or when he was rocking her to sleep.

Thinking about his hair usually made her hot for him, and thinking of it gone made her nostalgic, and a little mad. And that was when the memory was fresh and jot months old.

In any case, she wasn't feeling very soft for him, and that was a sexy question. She definitely wasn't feeling wet for him.

She had just walked out of class on a freezing cold day before she was ready for it to be this chilly, and she had to ride her bike. Her class was on individual contribution to global crises. Emma was the first to point out that individuals were not the true climate change culprits, but every bit helped. She just wished she'd ridden one of the clean energy buses today. Today sucked.

"Your teeth are chattering Emma, you outside?" she made an affirmative sound and he wisely knew better than to wait for an answer after that. He'd set up this mood, after all. "Sorry, came out wrong, it was meant to be funny." Harry had an apology in his voice. It was like the first knead of a dough, but he had a long way to go. "Anyway, what I meant is, I'm Christmas shopping, and I was thinking about what you might like, was gonna get you a jumper, and I think I have an idea of your style, but wanted a little guidance, I'd hate to buy you something and have you hate it—"

"Harry, take a breath!" She could feel that smile he had a way of bringing to her lips, despite herself. She really wanted to be upset with him, but seemed he'd proved himself, or distracted her at least.

Emma can't quite get a full grasp on why she's irritated with the phone call with him.  She's not sure what she expected. They never had a conversation about it, about how they are just a little holiday fling. She's never even had a summer fling, so she doesn't know the rules but she assumes that they are not supposed to repeat year on year. Least not without some progress or a defining conversation where they decided on not a relationship. He was confusing. He'd been so happy to have a bit of extra time with her, she'd thought he might be in touch more, with his seemingly abundant free time. She's wanted him to be in touch more. But he hadn't.

She'd heard from him less than ever.

And now he was buying her gifts and making her smile. Damn him.

"I'm breathing, promise." He sighed. "I just could tell I'd pissed you off, and I don't want to. I've been thinking about Christmas, and well, I'm excited."

"I'm excited too. Holidays are exciting." Emma is not going to read into that. He's excited to be with his family. He's Christmas shopping for everyone. This is not about her, them.

There is no them.

There is no them, except between Christmas Eve and New Years. And that is purely physical.

These are the things she repeated to herself when she was sad, waiting for him to call or text. Sad from how he dragged himself from their pub bed saying he'd miss her and be in touch and then wasn't. His sweet nothings were like when people signed your yearbook K.I.T. She knew you weren't supposed to take those yearbook signings seriously, but he'd said it, not written it below some picture of him. That counted more, right? Than a picture? Those were cheap, especially of him; there were pictures of him everywhere, Emma was also upset that none of them looked like the real life him. Just a shade of his actual beauty.

She wanted to see him now. She missed him though she shouldn't.

Just over a month now until Christmas. And a busy one at that. She had so much data to sift through from the summer and a presentation she was basing on it was her culminating project. It would also make an early start on her field work come summer. Those things, academic, important things were her focused her life's work. Not delicious Harry Styles and his sweet holiday nothings.

"Yes, especially when I get my favorite for Christmas." Harry said bringing her back to the call they were on.

The meaning behind those words were a bit harder to ignore. All she could get out was "Oh?" Then she rolled her eyes at herself and cleared her throat and said, "Your mum's Christmas cake?"

He chuckled. "I am fond of that cake, I think I put on two stone last year from how much I ate. And she sent me home with one!"

Emma almost called bullshit on that. He'd expended all those calories, she'd been the apparatus.

She took a breath to speak, and he cut her off. "I don't mean the cake, anyway, I mean you: you're my favorite thing to have at Christmas. The best gift."

What was she supposed to say to that? Another eloquent oh? Instead she said, "Your favorite thing?" Playful offense on the word thing.

"Oh hush." He laughed. "You're my favorite, Emma. In case you want to be obtuse and miss my point. I'm very excited to see you."

She breathed in. All she could manage to reply with was "Me too."

She meant it, but as they got off the phone after setting up their usual tryst and a special meeting before the party to exchange gifts, she couldn't help but wonder if he did. If what he said was true, why the radio silence?

The gift on her lap on the train was large and ostentatious. She didn't have a ton of money for the it, student life, but her recipient was a millionaire, so she'd gone all out on the wrapping paper.

It was a frog in a Christmas hat, the motif on the paper. Emma remembered when she and Gemma had called Harry "frog boy" and he'd been mortified. But it had also found its way into their private rooms. Not when he was inside her, that would be weird, but when he looked up at her and grinned, all dimples and no teeth from where he likes to make her stomach a pillow.

How "Froggy" had become a term of endearment, she didn't know. The moment she'd seen the cute froggy in his holiday rig on the overpriced paper, she had stopped what she was doing, parked her bike with no lock, and popped in the shop.

She then had to find something to put in the paper. He'd been shopping for her this year, in October, and he'd said he was at the shop and she'd seen pictures of him hauling bags out of Gucci. That was not intimidating at all.

They had exchanged small things in years past. Harry had started it, he'd given a cookbook a friend recommended the year she went vegan. Then the next year he'd donated in her name to a clean air initiative. She'd just picked up odds and ends she thought he'd like, like a 100% recycled journal one year and a glass bottle set for his gym runs the next.

This year, she'd racked her brain, but she'd eventually found the perfect gift to fill her frog paper. She was getting better at this. He was entirely too good at it, and he was a quick learner. She'd been underwhelmed with the flowers he sent the first year and had explained that cut flowers made her sad. It seemed a waste to kill something for its fleeting beauty. Harry had nodded thoughtfully.

The next flower he sent was a gorgeous orchid, it arrived once she was back in Amsterdam and came with instructions. That first orchid had started a trend and between his gifts and her own new interest, her flat was looking very jungle esque.

Emma was always very excited to see him, but this year, after his call, there was more anticipation and preparation. If he was going to be ready for her, she would be ready for him.

She got a fresh haircut and trimmed her bush. The thrift store was kind to her, and her new Christmas jumper was perhaps less ugly than flattering, but that was ok with her. She particularly liked the way it lay over the skirt she'd planned to wear to the Twist's annual todo.

Her flights had been uneventful and her mother was elated and doting. Emma found it much more tolerable this year. Maybe she was just in the spirit, or maybe she'd been away from the village and her family long enough to actually miss them.

She definitely missed Harry.

He, predictably, had texted that his flight was delayed and he was trying to make arrangements, but he might not even make it in time for the party.

"I'm doing everything in my power to get there tonight. If I can't make my mother's party, but arrive tonight, can we meet? I'll call the inn."

"Yes." Was all she texted back. She found she was mourning their kiss beneath the mistletoe, and that he might miss her outfit. But Harry's power was considerable, and she had no doubt he would be at the Boar's Head in time to see what she planned to wear under the sweater.

Those pieces, she felt a twinge guilty about. They were pricey and definitely not second hand. Used pants were where she drew the line.

People, not Emma, bemoaned Harry's absence when those who still lived local or were able to travel home gathered for toast. Emma knew she wasn't the only one who came home partially to see Harry. It was why she was able to fly under Gem's radar, hopefully.

Gemma's only comment was, "He'll be here when he can." When Eloise asked where Harry was. She asked every year, it annoyed Gem, and took some of the heat off Emma. Eloise was so obvious, Gemma could direct some of her protective big sister vibes that way.

The night was winding down and Emma's third glass of champagne could use topping up. She'd just sidled into the kitchen to pop another bottle when a pair of arms came around her from behind.

She'd have dropped the bottle too if Harry had not pulled the most uncharacteristicly smooth and agile catch he'd ever made, whilst dipping her for a swoon worthy kiss.

"Harry!" Emma gasped, "What are you doing?" Her Hand went to find his hair, and she was sad to find it until she found his sharp, bare jaw instead. It cut through her nostalgia and she was able to appreciate his face on a new way. His lips.

"Getting my midnight kiss!"

"It's not New Year's." It was better, like new year's and her birthday combined, that kiss.

"Not yet!" He righted her but stayed wrapped around her while she popped the bottle. She poured him a glass too and had to refrain from holding his hand when she pulled him into the living room after they toasted.

He stole a kiss before they went to join the others.

It looked like his arrival was going to renew the party spirit, but he begged off as tired, and disappeared to his room by 1:30.

Emma wasn't sure what to do, or where to go, so she just slipped out the back at 2:00 when a car nearly gave her heart palpitations by pulling up right in front of her. The door popped open and Harry stuck his head out. "Cmon, it's our getaway car!"

She couldn't help but shake her head. "You disappeared and I didn't know what you wanted to do."

"Well, you obviously!" He giggled, high off the champagne and his conniving. "C'mon! We don't have that long. I wanna do Christmas morning with you!"

"It's still nighttime." Emma pointed out.

"Don't worry, we'll find something to do until the sun comes up." He looked up at her through his lashes and she couldn't help but bite her lips.

"What's the rush, Styles?" Emma asked as she climbed into the car. The driver seemed unconcerned and headed down the familiar lanes of a familiar place.

"No rush, I'm just excited and have to be back so I can sneak in for Christmas brunch."

"Oh." She knew that, it wasn't the first time.

"Not 'oh,' I want to give you your gifts on actual Christmas."

"Are you Santa Claus?" She teased as he pulled her into his chest.

"If that's what you're into? I'll be whoever you want me to be."

"Then just be you." She said with painful earnestness before she could stop herself.

Harry looked down at her in the cradle of his armpit and put his forehead to hers and gave her an Eskimo kiss. "As long as you're you."

Emma melted and if she hadn't been so tired and a little too drunk on bubbly she wouldn't have fallen asleep on the way to the Boar's Head.

"Baby," Harry whispered into her hair. "Wake up, we're here."

"I can't believe I fell asleep that fast."

"It's my voice, I've been told it has a sedative power."

"Sleepy is not usually how your voice makes me feel." What truth serum had she taken tonight?

"Well, I'll have to talk a lot to keep you up then. Hope you're refreshed after your little nap."

She was, and he kept her up but by 5:00, even his deep voice and other powers of persuasion couldn't keep her leaden lids open.

"Baby! Emma." Harry was kissing her awake and holding out a shirt for her slip on while slipping socks up her calves. "Present time."

"Ok, Santa baby." She yawned and let him drag her into the room where she had completely missed the tiny Charlie Brown tree in the corner. "Oh! You went all out." She looked at him in awe when she noticed the multicolored packages under the tree. "I only got you one thing," she was rubbing sleep out of her eyes and too tired to bullshit. "I'm feeling inadequate."

"Nah, I've heard it's better to give than receive."

"That's not what you said a couple hours ago."

"I'll give gifts if you give head." They both scrunched their brows. "Scratch the part where I made it sound like you were my sugar baby."

"Or a prostitute."She raised an arch brow.

"Nah, I couldn't afford you." He didn't even smirk.

So she responded, "I think you think that's a compliment."

He snort laughed and she couldn't help but smile with him. "I mean, you do it well enough to be paid for it, but by the face you're making I better quit talking and get to the spoiling to get myself out of trouble. Go on, open a present."

"Any order you envisioned."

"Um? No, the one where order matters I have a plan for."

"This isn't all?"

"This is most." He nodded and she felt a warm place under her breast that only ignited when he was being domestic.

Back in her old room in her childhood home, or in her flat in Amsterdam, she'd occasionally puzzle over these moments. They felt nothing short of boyfriendy, and she loved it. When she thought back on them, especially in the cold January days, they kept her warm and made her feel special. She hadn't ever felt that warm flush in her chest with anybody but Harry. She'd kind of avoided the feeling, usually.

By July, after long periods of silence where he was running around the world while she endeavored to save it, the glow of those days paled in the midnight sun. When he acted like a boyfriend, like they were more than a hookup and then ignored her, it hurt. When she was well into her yearly drought, and all she had were those shooting stars to wish upon, the sweeter he was, the more rich the ache, the aftertaste saccharine.

Emma could tell, his gifts and the joy he seemed to take in giving them would warm her to the backbone through January, and make her teeth hurt by July.

And still she couldn't convince herself to stop, to ask, to protect herself. She couldn't even detach a little, she was so excited about the little stuffed animal she had for him in return.

"Harry, this is beautiful!" She unfolded a gorgeous sweater dress of a fine wool knit that screamed warm.

"Yeah?" He smiled, pleaded with the praise and himself. "I was at Gucci, and I was gonna get you some stuff there, but they just didn't feel like you, so I started doing some research on sustainable brands and I found this one, and another. This one is good for day to day, it's called Ever Lane, and the next, Bode, it's great for retro pieces. Open the next one."

She'd been staring at him. He was going to buy her Gucci? This was better, but that seemed like a pretty penny to spend on your holiday hook up. She knew money wasn't really an object for him. He always paid for the hotel on their rendezvous and she never brought it up. It was always just taken care of. She wasn't a starving student, but she also wasn't an international pop star. These gifts felt big, bigger than what they were.

He liked to be generous. But, it felt like these gifts, the 5 packages and one coming later were a statement in a language she didn't understand.

"Harry, this is too much." Was all she could say. He didn't respond with words, just gave her a look and shrugged his shoulders like, 'what else am I supposed to do with it'.

Emma knew from Gemma that Harry took care of them, their vehicles and his mum's house and whatever they mentioned they wanted or he thought they'd like.

Gemma had said last year, when she was thrilling over her Christmas gifts, "It's the one time of year I let him get away with it. The rest of the time I've gotten to where I don't mention things I like or want, because they show up on my doorstep, you know?"

Emma had nodded even though she didn't know, but she did now. He was so thoughtful it hurt, but the implications troubled her.

"Open the next one. I'm really excited for it."

It was a beautiful jacket, mustard, her favorite color, and matching mittens.

"For when you want to ride your bike, but it's chilly. They're very warm." He remembered she was cold on her bike that day.

Emma knew he remembered her text after the 'what are you wearing' conversation about being grumpy because she had chosen to ride her bike but it was too cold. His big beating heart could melt snow.

She swallowed down the sentiments clogging her throat along with her worries. Should she ask? She'd have too, eventually. This was feeling more serious than it should be, like he wanted to call her babe for more than a weekend, like he wanted her to stay, with him.

It's what she wanted, in some part of her, but was completely out of the question. He had a big international life, and she had her own global ambition.

The rest was wrapped donation cards to causes she'd worked for or even mentioned. The last gift was a small box, and when she opened it, she cried, then laughed and handed him his box.

"What?" He said, "I can't tell if you're happy or sad about that gift?" He worries his bottom lip.

It was another frog, just like the one she'd picked as the tangible gift when she'd made the donation in his name.

Emma just shrugged and wiped her eyes. "Open it."

His bursting balloon laugh inflated her merry heart. "Did we really do the exact same thing?" His face had an odd look she could only call tender.

"Same wavelength, me and you." He was misty like she had been a moment ago. He leaned forward and kissed her. Then picked up their stuffed frogs and made them kiss like he was a small child playing dolls. "I almost don't want to separate them."

"Are we still talking about the frogs?" She laughed, because she had a feeling they weren't.

He shrugged and his phone began to buzz. "Can I take a rain check on answering that question? If I don't leave right now, they will know I stayed out all night on Christmas Eve, and there will be questions. I don't think we are quite ready to explain what we are." He chose that moment to yawn like a lion in the late afternoon after a long day of lounging and got up to leave.

Emma still had questions.He'd said not quite ready to explain what they were doing. Emma wasn't even sure what they were doing. Were they going to tell people, tell Gemma? Tell them what? That they were together? Wanted to be together? Belonged together. The frogs too, did the frogs belong together?

He was dressed by the time she was done freaking out. He looked tired, but exhilarated, like he'd spent a night getting everything he wanted and a few things he didn't know he needed. "Bye doll," he kissed her, right on the mouth, affectionately and with only a trace of the heat the December air lacked. "I'll see you tomorrow night. Merry Christmas! I wanna see you in the sweater," he was walking through the door. "Oh, and the other thing?"

"Other thing?" She looked at him confused.

He pointed underneath the tree. "Have another look."

Emma blushed when she opened the lingerie. She wondered if he'd had to check her pants and bras for sizes or if he just knew the shape of her well enough that he'd guessed accurately.

They looked really good.

She needed to be getting home as well. There would be no getting out of it, she needed an excuse for rolling in just in time for Christmas brunch, her parents were notorious early risers, as was she. Her plan was to tell them she'd just made too merry the night before and slept on the couch at the Twist's. It was truth adjacent. It was the best she could come up with, her head was full of Harry and she couldn't think.

Her Christmas passed in a blur of food and wine and wrapping paper. Harry had sent her a picture of him with a bow on his head and asked her if she felt spoiled enough or needed him to wear the bow the next day.

She'd told him to wear it. And only it.

She'd not expected him to follow directions both precisely and with some creative license.

"Do you really think your cock is a gift?" She tried to mock him, while he stood proudly, hips first in their room at the Boat's Head.

"Well, I intend to give it to you!" He raised his eyebrows and stalked toward her. "I like the sweater. Looks amazing, but? Probably better here." He swept it over her head and deposited it on the floor.

"That was atrocious!" She giggled, but felt no anxiety unlike the last day or so.

"Yeah, maybe, but I needed to see if you'd worn my other gift."

"I thought it was my gift."

"For both of us, I'd argue." He winked.

"You wink like a drunk pirate." She couldn't help but smile at him. His silly banter had completely removed the nerves she should be feeling, standing in front of him in a Santa red bra, panties, garter belt, and stockings. She'd sourced the Santa hat herself and the black heels were hers.

"I'm feeling drunk seeing you in this." His hands were running over the satin on her hips and the lace at her waist, then the bare flesh of her ass. "I think I even lied to myself. This was definitely my present." The last word was said against her lips and his big hands slid down the globes of her backside to between her thighs, hoisting her onto his hips. The trail his thumbs left had her shivering.

The bed rose up to meet her. Harry hovered over her before standing and staring.

"Are we on pause?" She was panting and really hoping they were not stopping let alone slowing.

He opened his hands like a director, "I'm just trying to remember this to keep me warm all year." He ran his hands from her toes to her curled hair, she'd gone all out, then back down. His face was full of anticipation and a hesitation she'd never seen when she was this bare, not even the first time when he was flush on bravado and international acclaim.

"What is it?" She started to sit up.

He groaned. "Wow, that move did great things for your chest."

Emma could only laugh. He was acting like he'd never seen a naked woman, when he'd probably seen more than his fair share, and had definitely seen her before.

"You're acting like you've never seen me before."

"It's always like the first time. You're overwhelming."

"I'm overwhelming?" She wanted to laugh, she saw him as Harry, at first her friend's brother, then the cute boy with the big career she'd hooked up with, then her favorite holiday surprise, and now she couldn't define exactly what he was to her, mostly Harry? Who she missed all year and cherished for a week at a time in person, a deeply in her heart the rest of the time. She remained aware, however, of who he was, at large.

"Absolutely, I can barely take you. Can't believe I get to have you." What did she say to that? She only nodded, it was mutual. "Listen," he continued, "Can I take a picture of you. I'll keep your face out of it."

She thought for a moment, thrilled that he wanted to save this memory, to relive this moment until they met again. She didn't have any pictures of him, and thought there were so many online, none of them were really of him. "Yeah, go on Harry."

Maybe she should take one back. Save the neck down one place and the neck up as her wallpaper, she could get away with it. She saw classmates with him as their Home Screen. Her plans kept the nerves at bay while he got his set up ready.

He posed a leg, had her lay back, and then sit up. He took about 5 pictures on his phone, then three Polaroids, and by then she was getting into it. She was moving in ways that made her feel sexy and he was getting antsy.

"I'll show you, so you can approve, after." He discarded the phone and pulled his jumper over his head before crawling up the bed and over her.

"I trust you Harry. It's fine."

She wasn't sure what it was about those words, but he grew, thicker between her thighs and larger in her presence before he was kissing her bra off and asking if he could leave the stockings and shoes on.

"'Mmmhmmm." Emma moaned from her perch on the pillows looking down watching him pull her panties free and reattaching her stockings. "Damn." He kissed both places and flipped her over to skate his lips up her thighs and ass and back. Her hair was over her face while he kissed her neck and rutted into her with his jeans still on. She grabbed a handful of his glorious hair and kissed him over her shoulder. "Like this?" She asked.

"Mmhmmm." He echoed and she felt him kicking his jeggings free and sliding on the condom. She was flat on the mattress and unsure if he wanted her to push back on her knees. She didn't need to think about it long, he hoisted her up, and pressed a gentle hand between her shoulder blades so her body arched like a slide. His fingers climbed up to cascade down her backbone in an echo of the ride he was about to take down. He was right there, hovering, and Emma pushed back, but the whine in her voice was the more obvious tell.

"Baby, I need you."

"I need you, so much. Miss you when I'm gone."

She missed him when she was gone too. He slid his head in and waited. Emma wasn't really in control of the clenching this caused and it made Harry lose his grip on his. The smack of his hips against her thighs reverberated off the borrowed walls they considered their own.

He stroked her inside out and commented on the grip of her onto his dick. "It's like you don't want to let me go," he whispered into her ear.

Emma turned her head and breathed, "I don't want to." The kiss broke his rhythm and lingered until her clenching started over, again. How was she so close so soon?

"No, no, no." She whined when he pulled out.

"Shhhh, I've got you." He knew she was onto something, they'd become practiced hands at each other's pleasure.

He flipped her over and smoothed her hair back, bracketing her face between his hands like an aside he needed to voice right at that moment. "I just want to see you."

He went back in with ease, and with anybody else she might be ashamed for how embarrassingly wet she was, for the squelch. "God! Harry!" Her thighs came up to his hips and he hitched one over his elbow and open, then lay a good portion of his weight onto her. It was just the right side of too much. Just like all of him.

"Let me find it again, that high you were chasing?"

She was nodding, babbling. He picked up the rhythm from before and added a tiny rut at the end to the swelling of her clit. She was back on the trail to the summit quickly. It had been good, if fumbling, from night one. By this gift season, it was like he had installed all of her buttons personally and could push her to the edge at will. Her eyes were closed and she was concentrating hard on the oasis just beyond her horizon.

"Baby," he whispered, his breath soft and scented like her lip balm. "Open your eyes." He was just over her and he wrapped her open thigh back and around his knee. "Watch me," he made a c with his body so she could watch the goings on and feel them too.

"Oh, fuck."

"I love your filthy mouth. When you get going. Demure driven Emma on the brink has a dirty dirty mouth."

She'd narrow her eyes at him if she could bear to look away from his cock.

"Baby!" She gasped.

"Hold it, stay, just a little longer." He kissed her and then compelled her eyes to his. "I'll come with you."

His nose touched hers at just the tip and he rocked her and watched as she trembled and held off and pleaded. "Now, now, come now." He grit his teeth in preparation, but he needn't have worried, the minute he commanded it, she obeyed and the body roll of sensation ran from the roots of her hair to the bends of her knees.

He seized and his head fell back, but as soon as he was in command of himself again, his eyes were back on hers. "I love...," he gasped and her mind raced over what the hell he might say. What she wanted to gasp back. It was a bit of a comedown as opposed to a denouement when he filled in, "...having you for Christmas."

He buried his face in her neck and breathed into the nooks and crannies she thought she had kept safe from him.

Which was why it hurt so much when she had to tell him no.

His final gift, complete with an aching grin, had been an open ended ticket. "So you can come to me, with me, on tour."

She knew her brow knotted up like a bundle of discarded yarn. That wasn't the agreement. And she couldn't, couldn't even allow herself to want it. She had her PhD program looming. There was no time to go anywhere this fall.

"Harry, you know I can't."

He looked crestfallen, like this was new information and not why they only got these stolen snowbound days once a year. "Can't or won't?" He was verging on angry and it would piss her off if her heart wasn't so close to fissuring.

Honesty was her only policy, "Both." She handed the ticket back to him.

It ruined their night, the movie they tried to distract themselves with, the goodbye sex they didn't have.

He wasn't even there when she woke up the next morning.

But the tickets were on his pillow with a small note, "Change your mind, please. I'll be seeing you. H."

[mcrmadness]

┬┴┬┴┤･ω･)ﾉ .:☆*:･' Music asks: 5 and 21 *:･ﾟ✧

What is going on with this ask, was it meant to include so many weird symbols? XD I even took a screenshot of it because I thought it looks like this because of my computer, but it looks the same also on mobile??? :D In case it doesn't show up like this to you, this is what it looks like:

Weird... maybe? :DDD Well, anyway, to the answers!

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5. What’s the last lyric that really affected/ stood out to you?

Hmm. This is a good question because this happens to me very rarely actually. I usually just pay attention to the sound and maybe find out about the lyrics later but there's still so many songs I have no clue of what they are about. Language doesn't matter, there's plenty of also Finnish songs that I have no idea about the lyrics because I've just never paid enough attention to those, despite hearing and listening to those same songs for years or decades.

I'm seriously trying to remember what song would fit here :D My mind keeps shouting Karten by FURT but even tho it's extremely fascinating what comes to the lyrics (and a bit relatable too), it's not the latest.

I think it must be from one of the Finnish bands I've been listening to so much lately... okay I think I'm gonna say Viime vuoden marraskuu from Apulanta. The song title means "The November of Last Year", and it's not probably THE latest but it's still the first one to come to my mind.

This is such a good song and the lyrics are extremely relatable, especially the chorus, this is what the it translates into:

"I don't really get along with others anymore I'm not better but rather more right I hear the insults that have not been sounded out yet I have somehow gotten stuck to the November of last year"

***

21. What are some of your favorite songs for holidays (Christmas, Halloween etc.)?

Halloween is not that big in Finland so I don't know about that, I could put the whole Oingo Boingo discography here tho.

With Christmas I usually HATE all the Christmas songs. They are always either religious, or otherwise very slow paced and boring and annoying. Finnish Christmas songs usually are very sad, tho, but still not my cup of tea. However, there's only one band that can do Christmas songs that slap and that I like listening to around the year and that band is The Killers!

This is probably the best one ever:

And "Don't Shoot Me Santa" is just so funny, I really love it how many of their Christmas songs are somewhat weird and not really typical Christmas songs :D

And "I Feel It In My Bones"... this song... it's just so damn good! (And they have always this evil santa plot going on in these videos :D)

Also a bonus: I tried to see if there was anything from Apulanta and yes there was XD It was apparently some sort of Christmas "special" for this website that was super popular among the teens in the mid/late 2000s :D Basically one of the first forms of social media in Finland, you'd create yourself a username and then post your photos there. I was never there, I tried but they demanded you to post an actual photo of you and they didn't accept something like a photo of your pet, and I did not want any of my photos to the internet so I never could "get in" as they wouldn't let me activate my account :( But anyway, in this song they are just wishing merry Christmas to different usernames from that website, most of the names used lots of different symbols like - or _ or ^^ and so on, there barely was any without them - and they are there saying out loud also the Finnish words for such things :D

You can also see a bit of the Apulanta humour here (reminds me of dä a little tbh :D)! Altho, nothing really goes on but for me that emotionless IS the funniest thing ever in this video XD

Btw the sound at the beginning (and after the speech, and at the end) can be a bit loud, at least it really comes out of blue so if you're sensitive to sudden loud noises, be aware of that.

Hey now I stumbled upon another Christmas themed Apulanta video - it's a live cover of one song :DDD Or actually it's not Apulanta but just their singer-guitarist Toni, but whatever. I normally hate Xmas songs but I can listen to good covers, definitely. I don't remember what's the background band here tho.

Thanks for the ask btw!!! :)

***

Music asks

[whostheblondegirlwriting]

Ungettable

“Honey, I ca-“

“You said-“

“I know, but I-“

“You said, one gift.”

“Yeah, I know, but it’s impos-“

“Nothing is impossible.”

“What do you even mean, you want a-“

“It means I want one.”

“Is this some kind of a euphemism, or something?”

“Nope.”

“It’s ungettable!”

“Have you tried?”

“How am I su-“

“This was your idea.”

“Yeah, and my gift is totally reasonable. But you?” He gestured helplessly. “You gotta come up with something reasonable. Something I can actually do.”

“I believe in you.”

He wasn’t sure if the pat of his cheek before you walked out of the room was condescending or meant to inspire him as some show of genuine confidence in him. Either way, he stared at the kitchen doorway long after you left, thoroughly stumped. He looked over at Dodger laying by the back door, lamenting, “How the hell am I supposed to get her a unicorn for Christmas?”

Floppy-eared head tilt of interest aside, even the dog was clueless. Chris dropped down onto the barstool at the end of the kitchen island, shoulders slumping forward ‘til he leaned low on his arms, catching his chin in his hand to cover his mouth as he slowly shook his head. He sat there for a long minute, his gaze unfocused out the window ahead, racking his brain, but completely at a loss.

The hand holding his head flung out in a small, and impotent, gesture. “How the fuck..?”

Chris sat up, leaning on an elbow as he dug his phone out of his pocket. He unlocked his phone and stared at the cursor blinking on the screen. What the hell did he think he was going to actually Google? Rolling his eyes at himself, he groaned and let the screen blackout.

“She’s kidding,” he decided, talking to himself. “She has to be.” His head cocked to the side, chin rising a little, maybe in hope, as he called out, “Hey...you’re kidding, right, babe?”

“No.”

“God dammit,” he softly muttered, his head dropping and hand clamping over the ball cap on top of his head. His head snapped back up, arguing, “They don’t exist!”

“Santa Claus could do it.”

His eyes leveled at the challenge, and obvious slight, no matter how airy it sounded from the other room. This wasn’t supposed to be this hard. He thought he’d come up with a great idea.

Christmas was always such a big deal in both your families. Maybe a little excessive? Sure, it was nice to get people what they wanted and go home with an armful of your own presents, but did it need to be so much?

You both enjoyed spoiling others, and each other. But sometimes you both could sit back and say, did we really need all of this? Chris came up with the idea to scale back your Christmas together. Instead of the frenzy of shopping, hiding, and wrapping presents for each other, why not pick one gift that they each really wanted or thing they wanted to do. He thought it might make things more meaningful and maybe take some of the stress out of the holiday if there was less on the list to shop for. You’d happily agreed and he thought he had had a good idea. What an idiot he turned out to be.

He had no idea you would ask for something completely unattainable. He was thinking about a day spent doing something you liked or a cozy weekend away for two. Maybe something for the house or you’d ask for a room to be redone. You were usually so much more...reasonable. But he’d be damned if he was going to come up empty handed for you for Christmas.

“I’m gonna find you a fahckin’ unicorn,” he determinedly announced.

“I know you will,” you smiled from your seat in the living room.

~

He tried. God knows he tried.

Chris did his research, checking Google to make sure there wasn’t some new pet fad or obscure animal the internet had decided was a “unicorn”. He made sure the only real animals he could think of were narwhals and that weird fish he saw on the Discovery Channel one time. And he asked questions, when he had them.

“You want, like, a unicorn tattoo?”

“No.”

“You want me to adopt a rhino, or something?”

“No.”

Nerd that he is, he thought he’d struck gold when he mentioned the constellation. He thought maybe he could name a star for you. But when you told him you’d never known there was a unicorn shaped set of stars, he was out of ideas. He’d even checked in with friends and family, asking if you’d said anything or they had any idea what you could mean.

It was coming down to the wire. A week before Christmas, and in the midst of another round of calls and messages looking for suggestions, he had Downey send him a picture he could forward to you.

You had laughed so hard you nearly cried, opening the text from Chris while you were at work. He sent you a pic of a llama, so clearly at Downey’s place, wearing a unicorn horn headband with the message from Chris saying, “I'm Working on it”. And you believed him.

Come Christmas morning, Chris was anxious as he watched you unwrap the box in your lap. When you pulled out the plush unicorn from its red and green tissue paper packing, he let out a sigh of relief at your adoring smile as you looked over the plump white horse with its soft fur and gold, twist of a horn.

“I can’t believe you actually got me a unicorn,” you gushed, giving the stuffed animal a squeeze.

“You have no idea what I went through,” he told you.

You listened as he recounted the harrowing tale of the last few weeks, with your prize in your lap. You heard about the phone calls and texts, the Googling, the aimless wandering around from store to store.

“Finally,” he said, “I’m walking around this store in the mall and a woman asks if she could help me find something.” Chris put his hand up to vow, “I straight up lied to her.” You snickered, as he explained, “She was a little older and she obviously didn’t know who I was, so said I’m looking for a unicorn for my little girl.”

“Like, you actually told her you had a child?” you snorted.

“You’re goddamn right I did,” he nodded once. “She showed me some little crystal figurines, but they seemed-“ He shrugged. “I don’t know, tacky, or whatever.”

He pointed at your gift, telling you, “This was the only other unicorn they had. I hope you like it, because I seriously couldn’t find anything else I thought you’d like.”

“It’s perfect,” you assured him, with a fond smile.

“Thank god,” he sighed, smoothing a hand back over his hair. A grin tugged back the corner of his mouth and he shook his head. “I was so worried that I wasn’t gonna have anything for you for Christmas.”

“You really tortured yourself over this, didn’t you?” you smiled.

“You have no idea,” he chuckled, nodding along. “But you wanted a unicorn,” he reminded you, gesturing his hand up at your gift. “I gotta ask, why a unicorn?”

“It was a joke for about a day,” you admitted.

His face fell. “What?”

You nodded. “I panicked,” you shrugged. “I hadn’t thought of anything by then, and when I had to have an answer on the spot I said the first thing that came to mind. I figured you’d ask me again in a day or so and I’d have come up with something, but you didn’t ask.”

“A unicorn,” he frowned. “That was the first thing that came to mind?”

“I don’t know!” you whined. He chuckled, smiling at your face petulantly scrunching up, even as you argued, “Why didn’t you just ask me what else I wanted?”

“You said you wanted a unicorn,” he insisted, his open palms helplessly turning up as his shoulder rose and fell. “What kind of a shit husband am I if I don’t get my wife what she asks for?”

You both laughed, before you leaned over the small space on the couch between you to give Chris a kiss and told him, “Thank you. You’re a good husband. And this is probably the best Christmas present you’ve ever gotten me,”

“Cah’mon,” he groaned, rolling his eyes.

“No, seriously,” you promised, with a sure nod. “I ask you for the one thing in the world you couldn’t possibly find and you spent literal weeks trying to find it, not giving up until you found the most adorable substitute? That you were so determined and tried so hard to make me happy is incredible. Do you know how many people would have just given up and bought me a gift card, or something?” You moved the unicorn over to his lap, saying, “This little stuffed animal says ‘I love you’ more than anything I’ve ever seen.”

“You mean that?” he wondered, a little humbled that what should amount to a gag gift could be so sentimental.

“I do,” you nodded. “Thank you. I love it.” You gave him a playful nudge of your elbow, winking, “You did good, kid.”

“Thanks,” he quietly snorted, with a bashful grin and shake of his head. Chris leaned over to give you a kiss. “Merry Christmas, sweetheart.”

[purplesurveys]

1034

survey by tater-tots What is a fruit that you might eat in the morning? Hahahaha. That’s a pass for me; I can’t imagine regularly eating fruit at any set time of the day.

Do you enjoy any food combinations that others might consider to be weird? I like to eat fish with mayonnaise, which was always normal in our household but I realized was weird when I first saw the horrified expressions on my friends’ faces when they saw me use the combination. I like mayonnaise with a lot of other foods as well, which a lot of people generally find weird.

What is a green vegetable that you enjoy eating? Broccoli and asparagus.

Name something you might find in a salad. In my salad, you’ll always find tuna sashimi in it heh.

What is your favorite type of sandwich? Anything that’s like an Eggs Benedict or Monte Cristo. 

Which condiment do you use the most often? Mayo, for sure. Banana ketchup too. I also like sriracha sauce but my dad hasn’t been buying a new bottle of it for a while. 

Name a chocolate bar that you enjoy eating. It’s called Whittaker’s - just not sure what country it hails from; maybe Australia? - and I like their peanut butter variant. Google also told me it’s a New Zealander brand.

What is a meat that you do not eat - ever. Dog or cat.

Are you lactose intolerant, or have any other sort of food allergies? I’m mildly lactose intolerant but I ignore it because a lot of my favorite foods use dairy. Other than that, no food allergies.

What was the last food that you burnt your mouth on? Just plain rice, haha. I had been extremely hungry and I just wanted to dig in; but I ended up spitting it back out.

Which brand of soup do you eat? I don’t regularly have soup, much less buy canned brands of it. 

What are some flavors of ice cream that your enjoy? Cookies and cream, mint chocolate, coffee, chocolate chip cookie dough, queso real.

What is the best type of cookie, in your opinion? I like keeping things classic when it comes to cookies, and I’ve always been perfectly happy with chocolate chip cookies :)

Would you rather have popcorn, pretzels, or chips as your salty snack? Chips. I dislike the other two as I only like the softer, doughy version of pretzels.

Have you thought about going on a diet & actually went through with it? No.

--

survey by pinkchocolate

When you woke up today, was there anything on your mind? Kinda. I felt sad and I was aware of it instantly, compared to most days where the sadness will take a while to build.

Who was the last person you interacted with for the first time? Literally speaking, maybe the barista at Starbucks who took my temperature at the entrance before I was let in the store. I interacted with her yesterday.

What colour was the wrapper of the last snack you ate? White. It’s more of a tiny bag than a wrapper, though.

Do you have a favourite mug to drink from? What does it look like? Yeah, I’ve since claimed my mom’s mug for myself. It’s a copper mug with the Starbucks label on it. It looks super minimalist which I appreciate.

What was the last thing you used, that came in a spray can? It was a Lysol spray.

What colour is your favourite bra? Don’t really have one.

Who was the last person you went to for advice about something? I think it was Andi. I’ve been going to them a lot for help, advice, extra sanity, etc. lately. If it hasn’t been for them I probably would’ve left a few months back.

Have you had a deep conversation with anyone lately? Yes. I finally met up with Gab yesterday to discuss a lot things, iron some stuff out, figure out where to go from here.

What was the last compliment you recall receiving from someone? I’m not sure, I haven’t been receiving any.

And the last compliment you gave to someone else? It was most likely a compliment for Andi on how helpful they’ve been to me.

What kind of bread did you eat most recently? Flatbread.

What was the last sound you heard, that you found pleasant? We were watching a mass livestream earlier and I was delighted when they played the closing song.

How many books do you think there are in your house? Take a rough guess. I would guess around 60, the overwhelming bulk of them mine.

Of all the books you own, which do you think has the most pages in it? It would definitely either be Gone with the Wind or Les Miserables, but I’m not sure which one is thicker.

^ And how many pages is that? I checked both of my copies and they’re soooo close – GWTW has 1,440 pages while Les Mis has 1,463.

What was the last film you saw at the cinema? What did you think of it? Knives Out. I went to the mall yesterday and the cinemas were still closed, so it’s not like I’d be able to watch new movies at theatres anyway. Anyway, I’ve been vocal about the movie enough times on my surveys but I didn’t enjoy it. Whodunnits were never my cup of tea, but Gab had wanted to see it and I didn’t want to make her watch the film alone.

In the last book you read, what was the main character's name? Haven’t been reading.

What was the last song you heard, that meant something to you? Lose by Niki.

How many people do you know whose name begins with Z? I can only recall one such person at the moment; it’s one of my mom’s aunts who also doubled as a principal sponsor for my mom and dad’s wedding.

What do you expect to be doing at this time tomorrow? Maybe doing my embroidery (my package finally arrived!!) or surveys or watching Start-Up, because tomorrow will be a holiday :)

--

survey by luckforlemmy

Did you start listening to more Michael Jackson after his death? I can remember that there was definitely a brief period after his death that I caught up with his discography and listened to MJ nearly everyday; I read up on him and his life as well. 11 year old me figured he must’ve been an interesting figure because of the big reception around his death, so I wanted to know the reasons behind it.

When was the last time that you played hide and seek? I can vividly remember the day when Nina and I played hide and seek when the house was newly-built and still devoid of furniture, back in maybe ‘07 or ‘08. I’m fairly certain that was the last time I played hide and seek.

Who was your first celebrity crush, if you can remember? It was a tie between Ashley Tisdale and Zac Efron, though the older I get the more I’ve been convinced that I ‘crushed’ on Zac only because I was surrounded by girls who went crazy over him in school. I’m pretty sure my first real celebrity crush was Ashley, hahaha.

Do you worry about money? Yeah, especially now. I can’t even enjoy my first paycheck because most of it’s gonna go to Christmas presents, but oh well; at least I can finally buy gifts for my loved ones who’ve always gotten me presents.

Have you ever had to beg for a second chance? Kind of, when I was trying to convince Gab to let our relationship have another shot four years ago. Beg is a strong word for what I actually did, though. It was more of me pitching the idea, not begging.

When was the last time that you sent an actual letter through the mail? I don’t think I even ever did that, not even when I was younger and snail mail was still kind of a thing.

Are you excited to return to school? There’s nothing to return to anymore. Unless I decided to take up a post-grad course in the future, I’m done with school.

Do you hate Internet abbreviations? It can just feel a bit jarring when they’re used excessively in a single sentence, but I honestly don’t mind it for the most part. It’s understandable especially now that most, if not all, of my interactions whether personal or for work happen online.

What was the last insult you gave out? I was never really the roasting type of person, not even towards my friends.

What'd you last look up on YouTube? Hahaha I looked up ‘skynwallz.’ I was looking for the episode of Rhett and Link’s vlogs where they painted the rooms of their offices in the color of their entire person – hair, eyes, and skin. They were joking about starting a new business for it called Skynwallz, so that’s what I looked up.

Are you texting someone really awesome right now? No, I prefer to be alone today.

Do you know when to be serious and when you shouldn't be? Er sure, it’s not that hard.

Do you think that you're funny? I like my sense of humor, yeah, but I know it’s not always going to translate to everybody’s tastes. For example, I’m still figuring out the dynamic in the team I was put in at work, so I can’t make the same jokes that I would normally say with my co-interns with whom I have a more comfortable relationship.

Have you ever sent a secret to Post Secret? I don’t know what this is, so no.

What movie do you really want to see in theatres right now? They aren’t showing anything at the moment. A movie I want to see badly, though, is Ammonite.

Have either of your parents shown affection for you today? My mom made breakfast for us, if it counts. She also gives each of her kids a kiss during the peace-giving portion at mass, so there’s that as well.

What's the last thing that you sang out loud? I watched Start Up before this survey and was humming to the song that was being played at the end of the episode. I couldn’t sing along to it because it was in Korean, but I knew the melody so I hummed.

Is there a word that you always misspell? Rhythm is one of my worst enemies for sure. I also have a love-hate relationship with accommodate.

What was the last thing that you bought that someone else benefited from? I met up with Gabie yesterday and bought her her favorite meal from Yabu to break the ice – menchi katsu with brown rice. I originally got mozzarella sticks for myself but when we got to talking, she mentioned her sisters at one point; I remembered how much I miss them, so I gave up my food and told her to just give my food to her sisters since I hadn’t touched it yet anyway.

Has someone ever made you a really great mix CD? Andi gave me one before she made the flight to New Zealand 10 years ago to permanently live there. I believe I still have it, but I’m just not sure where it currently is.

Have you ever been on Omegle.com? Yes, when I was a teenager and it was new.

Did you talk to someone cool there? Not really; most seem to exit our chat after we did the whole asl thing. I also avoided the webcam option because my anxiety for video calls has always been present.

What song reminds you of your best friend? Any song by The Maine.

Who was the last person to hit on you? Some creep on Facebook.

What's on the paper nearest you? It’s the guide for my embroidery kit. It tells me what stitches to do and the colors of thread to use for the different parts of the template I was provided with.

Do you have a set of lyrics that you really love? From Paramore’s Pool: “As if the first cut wasn’t deep enough, I dove in again ‘cause I’m not into giving up Could’ve gotten the same rush from any lover’s touch, But why get used to something new When no one breaks my heart like you” I scream those lyrics every time they come on. I know I often showed the good, shiny side of my relationship on these surveys; but it was very much toxic at a lot of points and those lyrics - and that song - served as a nest for me, something that told me someone understands how I sometimes felt about my own relationship.

Did you get an A in your last English class? I got a 1.25 instead of a perfect 1.00, but I think that’s still equivalent to an A so yes.

What did you last use scissors for? Cutting thread.

Did you ever secretly hate a friend of yours that thought you liked them? That makes me sound shitty lol, but yeah I’ve acted nicely to people I don’t particularly like.

What do you think of when I say "boat"? That episode of Friends where Joey bought himself a boat at an auction; and Canadian accents.

Would you ever get a tattoo sleeve? Nope. I planned on getting one as a teenager, but I grew out of that phase.

Do you know any really fake people? Yep. I think everyone’s got to be at some point.

What does the last blanket you used look like? It’s pink and has multi-colored polka dots on it.

Do you have appreciation for graffiti? Sure, especially if it’s for political purposes (that I agree with).

Why don't you drive? I do. I just have done it a lot less because I have had little need for driving and traveling to places throughout the pandemic.

Does it annoy you when your printer runs out of ink? I think we have the kind of printer that never runs out of ink, but I’m not exactly sure about the terminologies or how the technology works. I let my sister do the printing hahaha.

Have you ever drank anything from a thermos? Yes, mostly water and coffee.

When was the last time you played in the snow? Never.

Do you know any ignorant people? Sure, mostly Gen X-ers and Boomers.

What is the coolest name you've ever heard? Thylane.

What did you last argue with someone about? Relationship stuff. It wasn’t a full-blown argument, but when Gab and I talked yesterday it was natural for us to disagree on a few points.

Is there anyone that you dislike for no real reason? Hmm, I don’t think so. If I feel that strongly about someone, I usually have a reason otherwise it wouldn’t be fair to them.

Have you had a good day? It was okay; it was nice. I got to do my embroidery hoop art thing, got to watch a couple episodes of Start Up, played with Cooper, and now I’m doing these surveys and am planning to continue my embroidery later. It’s nice to feel productive about non-work things :)

Are you going to have a good night? I hope.

[caranfindel]

Recap/review 14.09: “The Scar”

THEN: Since this is the mid-season finale, the Then basically sums up the entire front half of the season. So much Then. It goes on forever. And you already know all of this, so I’m going to decline to recap the recap.

NOW: Kansas City, Missouri. The worst office Christmas party since that one party at Nakatomi Plaza. Cheesy music, clothing and dishes scattered about, and, oh, blood on the floor. A guy tries to flee (don’t wait for the elevator!) and ends up getting killed by something with a festive hat and big teeth, right under the mistletoe. Super!werewolf, I guess.

Super!Werewolf comes into a fancy suite to tell someone that he killed the last one, and didn’t feed because he wants to be hungry tomorrow, and then he calls this person Michael.

So. Um. Michael is actually not in Dean at all. He is, in fact, using a Latina-looking woman as a vessel. So now I’m in a bad mood about the whole thing because Michael hiding in Dean was a much, much better plot. (And maybe a little bit because I was oh so wrong.)

Michael’s minion Melanie shows up with “the last two volunteers.” Two werewolves. One of them is Garth. Ruh roh! Michael recognizes him, since he has Dean’s memories. Garth says yes, he’s Dean’s friend, but since the war is coming, he has to be on the winning side, and that’s Michael’s side. Melanie reveals that tomorrow night, the shit is going to hit the fan in Kansas City. Duh duh duuuuuhhhhh!

Title card!

Bunker. Kitchen. Jack is sitting in the dark eating a bowl of Cookie Crisp Crunch Cookie Crunch cereal. {Sidebar: Which I’m sure is scrummy, as Mary Berry would say, but the absolute best cookie-based cereal is Thin Mints, which is only available seasonally.} Cas comes in and turns on the light and gives him a look. Jack’s immediate reaction is “Don’t tell Sam” because SAM IS HIS DAD. I suppose it’s possible that Sam is the only one of this three dads who cares about him eating sugary cereal, but I choose to believe “don’t tell Sam” is because Sam is HIS MAIN DAD. Jack says Sam told him it will rot his teeth. Just brush them after you eat, duh.

He says he can’t sleep, and Cas assumes it’s because of the whole dying-and-coming-back-to-life thing. He assures Jack that’s “a rite of passage around here,” and no one can argue with that. You’re an official Winchester now, Jack. Jack says it’s actually because he’s thinking about Heaven and wondering if his mother is safe. He thought Heaven would be perfect and Cas is all, ha ha, nope, lemme tell you some stories, kid. But he says he trusts Naomi to do everything to protect the souls.

Jack then asks about Cas’s deal, particularly, why can’t Sam and Dean know about it? Cas doesn’t want to burden them with it. And since The Empty isn’t coming for him until he gives himself permission to be happy, he’s not worried that it will happen soon. “This life may be a lot of things, but it’s rarely happy.” I can’t argue with that either. He joins Jack in eating the cereal, and I don’t know why he likes it, because it seems like he’d taste the molecules. And there’s a weird “joke” about the decoder ring in the box.

Elsewhere in the bunker, Sam is on the phone with Garth, who is doing that stupid, stupid thing where you talk in your normal voice on the phone when you’re trying to hide from somebody and you also keep your back to the door so you can’t see if anyone comes into the room. I hate that thing. He says they want to change him into a super!werewolf by drinking blood mixed with grace. Sam tells him not to do that because it will rot his teeth and because they don’t know how safe it is. Garth says he’ll just pretend to swallow, and then hangs up when the other werewolf volunteer comes to get him.

Dean comes in and tells Sam Garth will be fine, but Sam says “I pulled him out of retirement for an undercover mission. If something happens to him, it’s on me.” Oh, okay. I wondered if Garth running to Michael was supposed to be a coincidence. But it’s just Sam being a leader. And right now, any hopes I had that Garth would survive the episode have been completely washed away. But Dean thinks they’re on a roll and everything will be just fine.

Sam’s extra heavy scruff sets off his pretty, pretty guilt so nicely.

Cas interrupts to announce “it’s Ketch.” I thought we were just going to talk about Ketch a lot this season without actually paying the actor to show up, but he’s skyping with Jack, who seems fascinated. He tells the guys that he did manage to get his hands on another Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, like they used in 12.08, LOTUS. But he was being followed so he did the reasonable thing and put it in the mail, so it should be there the day after tomorrow. He did pay extra for certified priority express, but seriously, Ketch. This is not the time to cheap out. You couldn’t pony up for overnight delivery?

He’s a little petulant about the fact that he doesn’t have the BMoL resources he used to have, and whose fault is that? Sam kindly doesn’t say “you tried to kill us, asshole, and you also banged our mother” and just explains that they actually need the thing right now, and Ketch is all “sorry guys,” and the music indicates that this is supposed to be humorous.

Kansas City. Garth and Other Werewolf are parked in Michael’s penthouse office. Other Werewolf tells Garth that a friend of his made the transformation into super!werewolf, and the only thing that can kill him now is “the full Ichabod.” Hee! I like that. He also makes the second Fortnight reference of the season (that I’m aware of, anyway).

Melanie the Minion enters and gives Other Werewolf his dose of go juice. After he drinks it, his eyes glow blue. She hands Garth a vial and tells him there’s nothing to be afraid of, because “only one in seven volunteers explode when they drink it.” Garth calls that “Russian Roulette odds,” though I think those would be slightly worse, at one in six. He says “slainte” (which makes me miss Rowena) and tosses it down, but obviously doesn’t swallow. Michael enters and everyone stares at Garth and he’s forced to swallow, complete with confirming glowy blue eyes.

Garth then overhears a conversation between Michael and Melanie about “her” being at an abandoned recycling facility in Omaha. Michael instructs Melanie to send a team to “kill her and destroy the spear.” Michael can feel all of his monsters drawing closer, taking positions outside the city, waiting for orders.

Bunker. Sam has tracked Ketch’s package and found it’s at a facility in Joplin, Missouri that’s closed for the holiday. And that means we can go break in and get it, he says with a grin. He gets a call from Garth, who tells him about Michael’s team being sent to Omaha to get a spear. Bingo! Garth lies that he was able to fake swallowing the super cocktail, and also fills Sam in on what he knows about Michael’s plan for Kansas City. Which apparently is going into effect on Christmas Eve. The gang decides they need to try to stop it. They know where Michael is, they know when it’s happening, they may have some angel cuffs Bobby’s been working on, they have a spell from Rowena… all they need is the holy hand grenade.

Dean says he and Cas will go to Omaha (3.5 hours from Lebanon, if you’re wondering) and get the spear, while Sam and Jack go to Joplin (about 6.5 hours if you avoid the interstate, and you know Winchesters avoid the interstate) and get the holy hand grenade. Then they’ll meet in Kansas City, and at first I think he says Nakatomi Plaza and he’s making a Die Hard joke, but it turns out he’s saying the actual name of the Michael’s hideout, Hitomi Plaza. But I’m still gonna call it a Die Hard reference because, come on. {Japanese Sounding Name} Plaza? At Christmas?

And yeah, they’re breaking the brothers up again, but I’m okay with it because (1) Sam is with Jack, and (b) we’re actually going to get to watch Sam’s story instead of it all happening off-camera.

Omaha. As they get out of the car, Cas comments that Dean seems happy. It reminds me of Dean telling Sam he seemed happy in AU Land, and we know how that ended up. Dean says how great it is that they saved Jack without any strings attached, which would be awesomely creepy if he were doing what he did to Sam back when he discovered his brother hadn’t burned the Book of the Damned after all, and he kept circling him saying what a good thing it was that Sam had burned the book, and Eldon Styne said it can’t be destroyed, and isn’t that crazy, because I know I saw something burn. (Damn, that was a good scene.) But no, this isn’t that. This is just a ham-handed reminder that Dean Doesn’t Know Cas Made a Deal, And Strings Are In Fact Attached, for those of you who have forgotten. Or are trying to forget.

Awkward!

Dean tells Cas “when you and Sam were possessed by Lucifer, I thought I understood, but I didn’t, not really.” You know who really needs to hear this speech? Sam. But okay. Dean feels like he has a chance to kill Michael now. “So yeah, I’m good.” Cas is less good about the whole thing. They enter the unlocked facility and we pause on the door long enough to make me wonder if it means something.

Meanwhile, in Joplin, Sam and Jack are driving an old blue muscle car (a 1969 Cougar, according to The Husband) and have parked it right smack dab in front of the building they’re breaking and entering. Sam disables the alarm and goes to pick the lock, but Jack (who is wearing a Santa-red jacket with white sherpa trim, because apparently he gets his fashion sense from Sam too) asks if he can do it. He taught himself using the Internet because JACK TRULY IS SAM’S KID, GUYS. Oh, bless him. Bless him so hard. Though I do think they’d be breaking into a back door, not this door right out front, but okay.

I’m so proud of you, my felonious son.

Omaha. The abandoned facility appears to be empty, though there is evidence Dark Kaia was there. A dirty pan, a filthy mattress, a large-barrel curling iron. Dean notes, just like he did the first time they tracked Dark Kaia, that her food is still warm. Cas suddenly wonders where Michael’s forces are, since they knew about Kaia’s location sooner. Maybe they already have her? But Dean thinks not, because there are no signs of a struggle. Okay, guys, don’t you think something is probably fishy here, then?

{Sidebar: Did Dean and Cas stop for a three-hour breakfast on the way? Is that why these events are happening at the same time?}

Joplin. Sam and Jack exit the building with their precious box. Jack cheerfully reads a “Happy Holidays” logo on the box, and then things get a lot less cheerful, because Sam notices a black van with its windows blacked out just in time for the first super!werewolf to hit him with a baseball bat. He’s just conscious enough to witness Jack being dragged into the van, screaming “Sam!” Sam gets to his feet and looks like he’s going to go after the fleeing van, but a familiar female voice says “I wouldn’t. Hey, Sam.”

Oh fuck. Sam recognizes Michael immediately. “Happy holidays,” says Michael, holding the the holy hand grenade. Sam draws an angel blade and says “you’re gonna kill me anyway.” He lunges at Michael but gets tossed into a truck and waits to die. Michael does the glowy blue eyes, but it’s not to kill Sam, it’s to melt the holy hand grenade. Then Michael renders Sam unconscious.

Omaha. Dean is calling Sam and not getting an answer. Okay, so if he’s been calling long enough to be concerned, maybe there is a little bit of a time differential here. Maybe he and Cas did do their thing before Sam and Jack got to Joplin. He gets a call from Garth, who says he tried to call Sam but didn’t get an answer, and that Michael left a few minutes ago to “back up his forces.” Well, if that refers to the forces that kidnapped Jack, then I guess Joplin and Omaha are happening simultaneously, and I know I’m the only one who cares about the logistics, so let’s handwave that and carry on.

Dean says whereever those “forces” are, it isn’t Omaha, which surprises Garth. He promises to call Dean if he hears anything. Then, surprise surprise, Michael shows up behind him. Wow. Who could have ever predicted that someone would overhear one of Garth’s sneaky phone calls? The ones he has at full volume with his back unguarded? (Seriously, Garth. Text.) “Let’s talk,“ Michael says.

Dean angrily wonders what they should do next, and suddenly finds himself with a spear at his back. He tells Kaia they didn’t come to take the spear, they came to ask for it. Kaia says no, and he says she should just kill him then. The only thing that will stop Michael from killing the people he cares about, and then the rest of the world, is that spear. So if he can’t get it from her, he may as well be dead. {sniff!}

She asks what’s in it for her, and says she wants to go back home, because it turns out this new world sucks as much as the old one, and at least in her world she understood things and had her own magic. She needs "the special boy” to open the rift for her (YES JACK IS A SPECIAL BOY), and Dean blatantly lies and says he can, and he will. Cas points out that she must be very, very afraid of something if she’s even willing to consider giving up her spear. She says she has people she’s bound to protect, and then gives Dean the spear. “If you don’t bring this back to me, I will find you and kill you.”

I kind of want Dean to say “if I don’t bring it back, it’s because I’m already dead.” Maybe because this reminds me of him taking the First Blade from Crowley when he killed Cain. Or Appointment in Samara, which I just watched, where Dr. Robert asks if Dean has anything for Sam if his death reversal doesn’t work, and Dean says that if it doesn’t work, nothing he has to say will matter to Sam anyway.

Kaia needs to think about effectiveness instead of drama. There’s no way she could seriously stab him, the way she’s holding this. She doesn’t have any leverage.

So, Dark Kaia has someone she wants to protect. Is there an AU Claire in her world? (Do I care? Nope.)

Dean looks down when his phone rings, and when he looks up, Kaia is gone. The call is from Sam, who really ought to have his own ringtone on Dean’s phone, don’t you think? Sam tells him what happened. He repeats it word-for-word after the commercial, which is weird. Sam doesn’t know why Michael didn’t kill him. And it should be pretty obvious that if Michael didn’t kill you, Sam, it was because he wanted you alive for some reason. (And probably not the same reason I want you alive.) They agree to meet in Kansas City. Cas warns Sam “don’t you go in there alone.” Sam agrees to do what he’s told, as he always does (ha ha).

{Sidebar: Sam’s got a head start that could be a short as 15 minutes or could be as long as an hour, depending on the route you take.}

Kansas City. Jack is led into Michael’s penthouse suite and unceremoniously dumped on the floor. He gives him a villain monologue about how he destroyed Kansas City in his world, but people interfered and things got messy, so he’s doing it better this time, with a wave of monster transformation. That’s how you succeed. Work smarter, not harder.

Michael tells Jack that “we’re the only kin each other has left in this world,” which seems wrong by anyone’s definition. Because if angels from different sides of the rift can be called “related,” that means every angel in our world is Michael’s brother. Jack says “my uncle is in the cage,” and I’m oddly pleased that Insane Archangel Michael hasn’t been forgotten. (I’ve still got hopes he’ll come back, and he’ll be played by Matt Cohen.) Michael clarifies that their relation is based on power, not family, because Jack will live forever and see it all. “You’ll see it all, with me… And as your power returns, and grows, we’ll only become more alike.” I guess it’s smart of Michael to decide Jack needs to be turned into an ally, but this isn’t going to do it. It’d be easier to just kill him.

“Sam, Dean, and Castiel. They’ll come for me.” Michael smiles and leaves, and doesn’t say what I’m thinking, which is “I know, honey, and that’s exactly why you’re here.”

Down in the lobby, this episode’s two super!werewolves emerge from the elevator into the parking garage. One runs off to take his position, while the other notices a blue 1969 Cougar parked nearby. And promptly gets the full Ichabod. Melanie the Minion sees the body on a security camera and runs into an elevator. Unfortunately for her, Sam is in it. Ichabod treatment number two!

Sam shows up in the penthouse suite and cuts Jack loose. Before they can flee, he hears footsteps. It’s Garth! They’re safe! Ha ha not so much. Down in the parking garage, Garth suffers from some stomach problems and then turns around with glowy blue eyes and grows some gnarly new teeth. He tells Sam he’s sorry, but Michael won’t let him stop, and attacks. Sam gives him the Raised Index Finger of Reason and says “you don’t have to do this.” He fights Garth, and then Jack jumps in to save him, and finally Sam ends up apologizing as he chokes Garth unconscious. (Post-exertion huff! Yes!)

I love the way Sam always holds up that one finger when he’s trying to get someone unreasonable to do the reasonable thing.

Time jump. “Sleep tight, buddy,” Dean says, as he shuts the Impala trunk on a trussed-up, unconscious Garth. I don’t know how there’s room for a person in there, since half the trunk is full of weapons, but he’s a small guy. “Thanks for waiting for us,” Dean says sarcastically. “I didn’t have a choice,” Sam says. Which is pretty not true, and Dean gives him a look.

Sam thinks that when Garth turned into a super!werewolf, he created a window for Michael to spy on them. Dean hopes killing Michael will undo Garth’s powered up status. Sam has called other hunters to Kansas City “in case we don’t win up there.” I hope he told someone about Garth in the trunk. “I wouldn’t be against us,” says Dean, awkwardly trying to spin the spear.

Once again, Cas is the one looking at the big picture. “Michael’s monsters are all over this city,” he says. “If he feared us in the least, he would have sent some our way.” Sam deduces that Michael wants them there. (That’s a good reason to run, fellas.) And since Michael can detect Cas’s presence, they have absolutely no element of surprise, and are obviously walking into a trap. And during this conversation, the Christmas muzak that’s been playing every time we’re in this building is replaced by “Ode to Joy.” Now I wonder if this episode has been sprinkled with other Die Hard references that I missed.

(Oh god, young evil Alan Rickman, you sexy motherfucker. )

They stride through the parking garage in slo mo, under the strident vocals of “Ode to Joy,” and again it seems like maybe this was supposed to be humorous. It’s definitely lighthearted. (I’m not complaining. I love “Ode to Joy.”) (And yes, I’m aware it’s actually Beethoven’s 9th Symphony.)

{Sidebar: If we’re going Die Hard here, does that mean Sam and/or Dean are going to be running around in a tank top? Because I’m here for that.}

I am totally and completely here for that.

Upstairs, Michael pours a drink and waits impatiently for TFW to show up. Finally he smiles and says “there he is.” Michael wanders through the penthouse calling for Cas, who finally shows up and attacks the archangel with a regular angel blade. “Why’d you come alone,” Michael asks. “Advance scout? Strongest player first?” I guess, technically, Cas is the strongest player in this group, but that doesn’t mean he comes out on top the most. So, can Michael really not sense the others? Not even Jack?

Michael punches Cas in the face and then drags him in front of the big window. Sam and Jack are hiding off to the side, and as they make their move (and are equally unsuccessful, unless you know they’re actually there as a distraction), Dean jumps from his hiding place and lunges at Michael with the spear. But he’s really not that good with it and ends up dropping it.

Michael is monologuing at Dean, telling him that all the bloodshed is on him and he gets to watch it, which would be a really good opportunity for Sam to grab the dropped spear and take a shot while Michael is distracted. Instead, Sam sayss “Dean” and tosses him the spear, just like with Lucifer. {sigh}

Dean manages to cut Michael, but it’s not a serious wound. He stands there holding the spear, but not striking. Michael smiles and Dean’s vision goes blurry, and then he has flashbacks of his time as Michael’s vessel. Then Michael drops to the floor, unconscious, and Dean gets a weird look on his face and has one more flashback I don’t recognize. It’s Dean, or at least he’s dressed as Dean, standing behind a bar wiping a glass. What is this? When did it happen? Is it Dean or Michael?

Seriously, I’m stumped.

Anyway. As the remaining members of TFW stare at him in confusion, Dean snaps the spear in two (which, of course, destroys its power) (and oooh, Dark Kaia is gonna be so pissed) and turns around to reveal glowy blue eyes and I’m grinning because I knew it! I knew it! Michael has been in there all along, and this whole other vessel was a ruse, a flunkie, an illusion, a simultaneous vessel, or something else but NOT MICHAEL BECAUSE MICHAEL WAS IN DEAN ALL ALONG.

Except. Oh. He wasn’t. Well then.

“When I gave up Dean, you didn’t think to question it?” he says. “To ask why?”

(YES, WE DID, WE ALL DID, RIGHT HERE, DID YOU NOT HEAR US?)

Michael actually did abandon Dean as a vessel, because “Dean was resisting me. He was too attached to you. To all of you. He wouldn’t stop squirming.” (And yes, I know that first you meant Sam, he was squirming too much BECAUSE HE LOVES SAM, and I’m just gonna roll around in that for a while.)

So Michael really was gone, but he left a door open. “Just a crack.” Is that what Dean’s dizzy spell was? The open door? And also, does consent work differently for AU angels? Because we know from Tamoh!Gadreel that on this side of the rift, angels have to get consent again, even if they’re trying to inhabit a vessel that formerly gave consent. So this little “open door” trick of Michael’s shouldn’t work. But maybe they’ve got different rules for angels over there.

I’m actually enjoying Michael!Dean here. And, of course, stunned/devastated Sam.

Michael!Dean kind of has a halo here, doesn’t he? Oh, clever, clever Show.

Michael says he did this in order to crush Dean completely, “so this time he’ll be nice and quiet for a change.” You know, I think the way to crush Dean would have been to kill the three other people in this room, but maybe Michael knows him better than I do. He tells them this time, Dean is buried. “And now I have a whole army out there, waiting. Ready for my command. Ready for this.” He holds up his fingers and snaps.

Well, Thanos, there’s your cliffhanger.

So! I’m disappointed that I wasn’t right about Michael hiding inside Dean, and I think “I wanted to crush him” is a reasonable goal, but there are easier ways Michael could have done that. Like forcing Dean to watch as he kills everyone he loves. And I wonder why Michael didn’t think to plop Dean into a happy fantasy, like Gadreel did with Sam. That would have been even easier. And we didn’t get anyone running around in a white wifebeater with lacerated feet, which was another disappointment.

But for a mytharc episode, this was fairly tight. If the Buckleming had written it, there would have been a lot more B plot (whatever the B plot might have been), a lot more “humor,” and less time to spend on the characters we actually did care about. The brothers were split up, but it was done to tell two stories simultaneously, and not just so Dean could replace Sam with Cas or a random character. We did get some good Sam & Jack, and some badass Sam, as well as confirmation that Dean loves Sam most of all. So we’ve had worse.

And now the holiday hellatus begins! I hope your Christmas Eve is better than the one going down in Kansas City.

[thecitrinefox]

Foundations

(8.4k fic for sterek week ‘17, day 1, alpha/emissary, warnings for brief language and violence)

“What the fuck.”

Derek thinks he’s probably seen this kid around town for years. He has vague recollections of seeing him at holiday parties or town events, fidgeting next to the Sheriff and his wife before she died. Maybe he got invited to one of Cora’s birthday parties at some point, since they’re in the same grade. Hell, the kid is a sophomore now like Cora and Derek is a senior, which means they’ve been going to the same school for over a year so chances are they’ve been somewhere in the school at the same time. But despite this, apparently they’ve never met because surely, surely if they’d ever spoken or touched, or looked into each other’s eyes, Derek would have noticed this.

This being the buzzing across his skin, the loud thump of his own heartbeat, in time with the rhythmic beating in the chest of the kid in front of him, each of their eyes wide with shock. Derek can’t quite get himself to drop the kid’s wrist where he’d grabbed it after bumping directly into him in the crowded hallway of the school’s math wing.

“What the fuck,” the kid hisses again, but doesn’t pull his arm away. Can’t seem to tear his eyes away either, and Derek thinks they have at least that in common. They’re crouched in the middle of the hallway, a textbook and notebook spilled haphazardly on the floor between them, and students awkwardly around them. Derek thinks a couple of people say something to them, telling them to move, but it sounds like it’s coming from miles away so he ignores it

“Are you okay?” Derek asks, because he doesn’t know what else to say, and the kid is staring at him like Derek is the one who’s done something wrong here.

“Am I okay?” the kid parrots, almost angrily. “Am I okay?? What did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything, we just bumped into each other,” Derek points out.

“Then what the hell is…” the kid trails off, spastically waving his free hand between them instead of finishing his sentence.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Derek says. He jumps the same time as the kid does, when someone puts a hand on the kid’s shoulder. It’s one of his friends, Derek thinks vaguely, although he doesn’t know his name.

“We’re gonna be late for chemistry,” the friend says, and the kid jerks his wrist almost violently out of Derek’s hand, finally. They both look down at their own hands, and Derek thinks that he must’ve thought that letting go would get rid of that weird feeling too, but it hasn’t stopped, has gotten worse maybe. Derek picks up the books on the floor and hands them over and they both stand, awkwardly.

“We’ll continue this later,” the kid hisses even as his friend drags him off, and Derek wants to say ‘what this’, but even if he doesn’t know what this is, as the buzzing of his body increases the further away he gets, he thinks that maybe the kid is right and it’s not something they can ignore.

XX

He doesn’t see the kid for the rest of the day, although during lunch period he skips out on the cafeteria and instead tracks down last year’s yearbook in the library. Stiles Stilinski it says, and it’s weird, but could be weirder. His own parents gave his sisters rhyming names, so it’s not like the Hales are in a place to judge. The freshman year photo is goofy as all get out, and makes him kind of want to avoid him entirely, but clearly something happened, possibly of a supernatural nature and he thinks that these things tend to get worse, not better if ignored, so he should probably track this Stiles down and try to figure it out, or at least convince Stiles that there’s some kind of perfectly reasonable, not-supernatural reason for their electrifying first meeting.

XX

“I’m thinking this is just some sort of freak atmospheric thing,” Derek says. “Static electricity maybe? You said this hasn’t happened with anyone else?”

“Static electricity, really, that’s what you’re going with,” Stiles says, crossing his arms and looking unimpressed when Derek manages to corner him behind the gym after school the next day. “If it was static electricity it would’ve been a brief shock, then we’d be done, but I’ve felt like I was crawling out of my skin for the past twenty-four hours in a way that’s extreme even for me. And if it was atmospheric I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t have happened to just us in the middle of a crowded school hallway. Do better.”

“Look I don’t know what it is, maybe it’ll wear off,” Derek says.

“Just admit you did some kind of freaky werewolf thing to me, okay,” Stiles says, leaning in and lowering his voice. Derek forces himself to stay still and not jerk back.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Derek says awkwardly. He’s usually pretty good at covering up any evidence of his being a werewolf, but then again he’s never been directly accused of it either.

“Look,” Stiles says. “Don’t you think we’re a little past the point of you playing dumb? Whatever this...thing is, it has something to do with your werewolf shit, okay. Everyone knows Beacon Hills is weird, and it didn’t take long for me to realize that the Hales are at the epicenter of it. At first I thought maybe you guys were mobsters or something, like some sort of organized crime family gone suburban...”

Derek scoffs.

“Don’t even,” Stiles warns. “You guys are crazy rich, super hot, and involved in everything. Your family is weirdly codependent and loyal, and even you have to admit that your uncle Peter is sketchy as shit.”

“Okay well you have a point there,” Derek admits, thinking about how Peter has been acting even more squirrelly than usual lately.

“So...werewolves,” Stiles prompts.

“Fine,” Derek says, feeling the situation spiraling desperately out of control. His heart rate is increasing, and even though Stiles looks calm he can hear it increase to match. “We’re werewolves, you got me.”

“Okay that’s great, but like I said I already knew that. Weirdo family that lives in the woods, reports of howling even though there are no wolves in California, years ago there were a bunch of suspicious animal attacks, it wasn’t that hard to narrow down once you knew what to look for,” Stiles says.

“Most people wouldn’t immediately jump to something that is widely known to be mythical like werewolves,” Derek says.

“Well I’m not most people,” Stiles says.

“I’m getting that,” Derek says, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Okay what do you want to know.”

“What the hell is going on,” Stiles exclaims. “What was that, that...vibration or shock or whatever the hell you did to me when we collided. I’m pretty sure you can’t turn people into a werewolf just by touching, and besides I’m the same weak scrawny human I always was, but you did something.”

“That wasn’t me,” Derek says. He rolls his eyes when Stiles groans. “No really. I have no more idea what that was than you do. But I agree, something happened. Ever since we touched it’s like...”

“Like a constant buzzing that only goes away when we’re near?” Stiles says, looking away and blushing. “Like you can’t stop thinking about me? Like you can hear my heartbeat from across the school?”

“Yeah,” Derek says. “So wait, you feel it too? You can hear my heartbeat? That shouldn’t be possible.”

“Werewolves shouldn’t be possible,” Stiles snarks. “Do better. C’mon, man. I only realized werewolves were real like a year ago. I’ve been researching as much as I can, but I’m pretty sure at least seventy-five percent of what I come across has been bullshit and it’s not like I have someone I can just ask. Hey, what about your mom. I mean, she’s the Alpha right, I got that much at least after sorting through a lot of really questionable internet content. If she’s the leader of your pack she has to know what this is.”

“No,” Derek says firmly. “Whatever this is, I want to know more about it before we even think about going to my mom. She can be pretty...intense about stuff. And also...”

“You don’t want her finding out about your secret human girlfriend?” Stiles asks. “Yeah I know about Paige. And I know you guys think you’re being sneaky, but if I noticed, odds are other people have too. Although people are pretty unobservant, so who knows, maybe not.”

“Shit,” Derek says. “Look, it’s not like we’re completely banned from dating or being friends with humans, but it always makes things more complicated. Keeping what we are a secret is the most important thing we learn. I’m not sure how my mom would react to you knowing, and I’m not sure how to talk to her about it without telling her you’re feeling this stuff too. Besides, I know I said I didn’t do anything, but you’re human and I can’t help but feel like maybe this is my fault.”

“Okay well having been to your house for some of your mom’s fancy Christmas shindigs I know you guys have a freaking library in it. There has to be something in there that can help us,” Stiles says. “Like maybe on the shelves that have locked screens over them?”

“If my mom catches me stealing books I’m not supposed to be looking at, she’ll kill me,” Derek says.

“Well I’ve seen the way you guys sniff everything, there is literally no way I’m going to be able to sneak in and steal something, I’m guessing one of the many many werewolves who live in your goddamn mansion will smell a human from a mile away,” Stiles says. “Dude, you gotta work with me here. Do you want to figure this out or not.”

“I do,” Derek says. Right now his whole being is humming with a weird combination of excitement and content, but he knows as soon as he and Stiles split up that the weird buzzing, the headache, the loud thump of Stiles’ heartbeat even from a distance will spark up again and he knows they can’t live this way indefinitely.

“Okay, so try to find some kind of books that might help us figure this out. You don’t even have to read them, just bring them to me, I’m good at research,” Stiles says.

“I’m not an idiot, I can help research,” Derek says defensively. “I do well at school, and I do know a lot about supernatural creatures, I just haven’t learned about this.”

“Fine, okay,” Stiles says, holding his hands out placatingly. “So I have lacrosse practice right after school, and you have basketball tomorrow evening right. There should be like an hour or two between them, we can meet in one of the French classrooms, they never lock those cause there’s nothing to steal in them. If you can get some books on, I don’t know, weird werewolf magic or whatever then we can try to figure this out, okay? Maybe your mom, or heaven forbid, my dad, never even need to know about any of this, we can get rid of it on our own.”

“Okay,” Derek agrees grudgingly. It’s not like he has a better idea.

“And try to be sneakier about it than you are when you’re meeting up with Paige,” Stiles says with a smirk. “Unless you want everyone to think you’ve got two secret lovers.”

“Please don’t ever say that word again,” Derek says, turning and leaving without saying goodbye. He can hear Stiles chuckling at his own joke behind him and rolls his eyes. Of all the people to get some weird link to, it has to be Stiles. What did he do to deserve this.

XX

“Dude, you’re late,” Stiles grumps, his feet swinging and hitting the legs of the desk he’s sitting on.

“Sorry, I think Peter knows about Paige,” Derek says, dumping the heavy bag of books he’d managed to grab onto another desk. “He’s been creeping around the school and he keeps asking me weird questions. It took a while to shake him. I’m meeting her later tonight, but I think he thought I was going to meet her now, I don’t know he kept making vague insinuations about what I’m up to. He definitely knows something. I got the books though, and I don’t think anyone noticed.”

“Great, well hand ‘em over, we don’t have a lot of time,” Stiles says, hopping down and making gimme motions with his hands. Derek splits up the books, and they sit, beginning to flip through them. Stiles whips out a notebook and starts taking notes, which Derek ignores. He can’t imagine what his mom would say if she knew Derek was sharing this information with some random human, but somehow it feels right, the two of them sitting here and working together. The time flies by and before he knows it, his phone alarm is going off, letting him know he has to get to practice.

“I have to go,” Derek says. “I didn’t find anything useful. You?”

“Maybe,” Stiles says. Derek tries to take the books from him, but Stiles grabs one back, clutching it protectively to his chest.

“Stiles, my mom’s gonna notice if these books are missing,” Derek says, packing the others up.

“So put the others back,” Stiles says. “I think this one will be useful, just let me have it for the night and I’ll give it back tomorrow.”

Derek thinks for a moment. His mom really will kill him if she thinks he’s been stealing books from her library that he’s not supposed to touch in the first place, but he’s already running late for practice and he doesn’t have time to argue with Stiles. Plus they really do need to figure this out and between practice, family dinner and meeting up with Paige he won’t have time to read through the book himself.

“Fine,” Derek says. “But you have to give it back to me tomorrow, okay. And let me know if you find something.”

“Of course. I’ll see you tomorrow then. Same Bat-time, same Bat-place,” Stiles says with a grin.

“Ugh,” Derek says, half-heartedly as he rushes out the door.

XX

The next day when Derek gets to the classroom it’s empty. He sits on one of the desks, waiting, thinking about how he could be spending this time with Paige rather than waiting about for some random sophomore. She’s been patient with him, about his need to keep their relationship a secret. Sometimes he wonders if maybe she’s so patient about it because she’s embarrassed to be seen with him but he quickly squashes down that thought. She likes him, he knows she does. But he knows he doesn’t make it easy, and the more times he has to make excuses that he can’t see her the worse it’ll get, he thinks.

He’s just about to give up, and text her to see if maybe they can’t make out in his car for a while in the school parking lot before basketball practice when Stiles stumbles, wheezing into the room. Derek should’ve known Stiles was getting close when the tightness in his chest eased and his skin stopped crawling quite so much.

“Oh thank god, you’re here,” Stiles says, collapsing into one of the chairs. He fumbles at his bag and hands over the book, which Derek checks over and then puts in his own bag protectively. “Sorry, just took me a while to photocopy the whole thing. Lots of nickels, and man, those old texts just don’t copy well, lemme tell you.”

“Well?” Derek demands, feeling less and less patient by the second. “Did you find anything or didn’t you?”

“I mean, maybe?” Stiles hedges. “Okay, so I’ve only read the thing once, and it’s not like, super clear about everything, plus it’s kind of old timey so the language is strange....”

“Get on with it,” Derek grumbles.

“Okay, okay,” Stiles says. “So this book mostly focuses on Emissaries, you know what those are?”

“I’m a werewolf, not an idiot,” Derek says. It’s weirdly freeing to be able to say that kind of thing, and his chest loosens even further, despite himself. He tries to ignore the feeling. “Every pack or Alpha has their own Emissary, someone, generally a human, who can do magic and guide and help them when they need it. They keep the balance.”

“Right,” Stiles says, nodding. “Okay so this is like, totally crazy, and might be wrong, but so far the only time I’ve seen stuff in the books about some kind of weirdo meeting between a werewolf and a human is in the book about Emissaries. Apparently sometimes when an Alpha meets their Emissary they feel it physically. Because the Emissary’s spark doesn’t totally come online until they meet maybe? I don’t know it wasn’t totally clear, but it sounded kind of like what happened to us maybe?”

“I’m not an Alpha,” Derek points out. “And last I checked, you coudn’t do magic.”

“Look, I didn’t say it was definitely an Alpha-Emissary thing,” Stiles says. “Just that it was the closest thing I’d found and we should look into it more.”

“Fine,” Derek says, writing down his phone number and email address and handing it over. “Send me copies of the pages you copied. We’ll look into it. Anything else?”

“Other than your attitude problem? No,” Stiles says, although he smiles as he looks at the slip of paper, and immediately taking his phone out to add Derek’s number. Derek sighs, already regretting the decision. But it’s not like they can meet up every day, he knows it’ll be easier to just text. His phone buzzes, and he sighs heavily as he checks it.

HEY ALPHA

“I’m not an Alpha,” Derek says, walking out. “And you’re not an Emissary.”

XX

Derek may not be an Alpha, but the more they research and the more Stiles learns, the less convinced Derek is that Stiles isn’t an Emissary. They maybe meet face to face once or twice a week, but Stiles texts Derek constantly, making him realize that Stiles probably doesn’t have too many friends outside of Scott, who he mentions occasionally, and who Derek sees him with in hallways occasionally. Derek would try to keep their meetings to just text and email, but if they go too long without standing close to each other, hands brushing as Stiles gestures while talking, then they both get too irritable, too on edge. So they meet a couple times a week between practices to check in and to exchange books. So far Stiles has been like a sponge when it comes to soaking in information about the supernatural world, but despite their continued research they still haven’t come up with anything more convincing than an Alpha-Emissary bond. Stiles has an uncanny knack for understanding how magic works though, and while he hasn’t done anything too impressive yet, at least to Derek’s eyes, occasionally he can make sparks just from snapping his fingers, and has almost encyclopedic knowledge of herbs, stones and other materials that an Emissary might use. Derek thinks he’ll almost be disappointed when they inevitably find out the truth of what’s going on, that this was just some sort of freak occurrence, and the bond is broken.

Paige is beginning to realize something is up as well, Derek thinks. How, he’s not sure, because he was already keeping the werewolf thing a secret from her, so what’s one more thing? But Paige is sharp, and observant and actually a lot like Stiles, when Derek thinks about it, which he tries not to. He wonders if they’d get along if they ever met, or if they’d be so similar that their clever sarcastic natures would clash too much and they’d hate each other. Derek isn’t sure which situation would be worse, so mostly he’s just grateful that he’s managed to keep these two parts of his life separate.

He does feel a little guilty that Stiles knows about Paige, when Paige doesn’t know about Stiles, especially since Paige is his girlfriend. He tries to justify it to himself that he didn’t tell Stiles about Paige, Stiles figured it out, and also technically, if Stiles really is an Emissary, that falls under the category of Werewolf Stuff, and so really the Stiles secret is just another part of the original big werewolf secret he’s been keeping all his life.

It’s maybe a shitty way of justifying it, but Derek doesn’t know what else to do.

The autumn months fly by, and Peter is getting stranger by the day, Paige is beginning to get impatient with him, and even Derek’s mom is beginning to look at him like she’s trying to figure out what’s going on. He’s been pulling away from his family a little, he knows, and he knows it’s probably raised questions but he can’t outright lie to any of them, they’d be on him in a heartbeat. Still, talking to them like nothing is going on is becoming harder by the day. He’s beginning to think that maybe he should just tell his mom what’s been going on, and accept the consequences, but the longer he goes without telling her the worse it feels.

And then suddenly it’s December and the winter holidays are upon them and everyone is busy busy busy with the end of semester and holiday stuff, and Derek thinks maybe this will give him a brief reprieve from everything he’s been hiding. He knows Paige will be busy with her family, and he shouldn’t feel relief about that, but he does. He needs to get her some kind of present but he thinks maybe he can give it to her in January, once things settle down. Stiles has been bugging him for more books to read as well, more stuff to learn, but Derek can’t risk taking more from his mother’s library. He thinks maybe after the holidays are over if they can find a day to sneak off, he’ll drive Stiles to a bookstore he knows carries supernatural tomes a couple hours away and buy him a couple volumes of his choosing, ones that Stiles will be able to keep, not just hastily make crappy photocopies of or hurriedly rush through before Derek has to put it back.

After the holidays, he thinks. And then he’ll think about telling his mom. About Paige, about Stiles, about all of it. She’ll be mad, but she’ll know what to do. He knew things didn’t just go away when you tried to ignore them, and this experience is definitive proof. Not that Stiles agrees, of course, the less his dad knows about his problems the better, according to Stiles. Sometimes he’ll make jokes about being a burden, either to his dad or to Derek, and Derek thinks maybe they aren’t really jokes but also he doesn’t know what to say to that, so usually he just rolls his eyes and changes the subject. He guesses that Stiles thinks he’s a burden to Derek because he makes Derek spend time with him and steal books, and makes his heart feel anxious and his muscles buzz when they’re apart, but then what will Derek do, he thinks sometimes, when they do manage to fix this and all that goes away? When he and Stiles no longer have a reason to see each other?

It hasn’t happened yet, so he puts it out of his mind. Between school and research and Paige and his family’s Christmas preparations he just doesn’t have the time to dwell on that.

XX

The Hale’s Annual Holiday Party happens a couple days before Christmas this year. Winter break has started, and normally Derek loves these things, but Paige and Stiles are going to be there with their parents this year and Derek’s imagination has been going wild with all the ways that this could go wrong.

It’s fine at first. His family loves the holidays, so does the town and so as people filter in and the Hales get to let loose a little, and just be normal, everyone is in a good mood and it’s infectious. The tightness in Derek’s chest and the anxiety buzzing through his skin starts to ease, and he enjoys himself, right up until the Sheriff and his son show up and are re-introduced to everyone and Derek realizes just why that is. Paige, and her parents, show up less than ten minutes later, and even though Stiles’s presence has eased the physical tension he’d had, he can’t help but let the anxiety creep in as he tries not to watch either Paige or Stiles circulate the party.

Derek spends an hour ignoring both of them until all of a sudden he wonders if maybe his avoidance is suspicious in and of itself. He tracks down Stiles, idiotically finding him lingering by the punch bowl, underneath one of the plastic mistletoe’s that have been scattered about the place. To his relief he doesn’t even have to pick a fight, Stiles just launches into a rant about the poisonous qualities of mistletoe and the consent issues arising from from the kissing tradition associated with it which he’d apparently only really become aware of when he’d tried to kiss someone named Lydia under it a couple years ago and been slapped and had a drink thrown in his face. He’d only been trying to kiss her cheek, and they’d been about fourteen at the time, but still, it had left an impression. Derek is about halfway through his own rejoinder on how nobody has to kiss anybody they don’t want to, it’s just a decoration and since it’s plastic it’s unlikely to poison anyone, but then he sees Paige, trying to catch his eye from across the room, before disappearing out the back door. Derek looks around, but nobody seems to be paying them attention. Thankfully Stiles just rolls his eyes, then nods at the back door where Paige had disappeared before helping himself to more punch.

Derek goes.

Paige is waiting for him on one of the benches out in the garden. They don’t get much snow in California, even up north, but it’s cold, the ground hard and frozen, and Derek can see Paige’s breath as she shivers slightly.

“Sorry,” Derek says automatically as he sits down next to her. He thinks that this is the sort of situation where he should offer her his coat, but he’s only wearing a button-up shirt and he can’t give her that. Stupid, he thinks. He never plans stuff out like he should.

“Are you cheating on me?” Paige asks, bluntly.

“What?” Derek exclaims. He glances back at the house, but the party inside is slightly raucous at this point and he thinks nobody should be able to hear them out here, not even with werewolf hearing. “No, what?”

“Don’t act dumb, I know you’ve been sneaking around with the Sheriff’s son,” Paige says. She doesn’t even look that angry, but there’s a glint in her eye that defies Derek to contradict her. “I mean, if you’re having some kind of crisis here about Stiles being a boy, I get that, but I don’t understand why you’ve kept things going with me, it’s not like I’m a beard since nobody knows about us.”

“Oh god,” Derek says. “No, okay, I know how it looks, but I swear there’s nothing happening like that between me and Stiles. I would never cheat on you, you have to believe me. I’m not like that.”

“Okay so why are the two of you sneaking around?” Paige says, then pauses. “Is it a werewolf thing?”

Derek feels his jaw drop.

“What,” Paige says with a shrug. “You guys are really not as subtle about this stuff as you think you are.”

“Yeah but most people don’t see shifty behavior and immediately think werewolves,” Derek hisses, not even bothering to deny it. This is his life now, he thinks resigned. Hales have kept their secret for hundreds of years, and he’s been on this planet for less than eighteen years and yet Derek has already fucked it all up. God he’s the worst. Two humans figuring out his secret in less than six months, that’s gotta be some kind of record.

“Okay so what’s going on then? Stiles isn’t a werewolf, right? But he knows about you guys? Sometimes at school he stares at me, like he knows something I don’t, but I do know, so he has to know,” Paige says, grabbing Derek’s hand. “There’s always weird stuff going on in this town, are you guys like, detectives.”

“We’re not detectives, jeez,” Derek says, although he laces their fingers together, feeling a swell of relief to tell the truth, along with some kind of strange strange swell of something else, like he doesn’t quite want to tell her about Stiles, even though it’s not what she’d thought. “Something has been happening to Stiles. We’re trying to figure it out. It’s not a big deal, and it’s not really my story to tell.”

“Okay,” Paige agrees, although she seems disappointed. “But the werewolf thing is why you don’t want to tell your family about us, right.”

“Yeah,” Derek reassures her quickly. “I mean, that and they’re pretty nosy and overbearing, it’s the worst. Look, if you want me to, I’ll tell them about you. We can go in right now.”

“No, it’s okay,” Paige says, untangling their hands and standing up. “Let’s not rush into things. But you can talk to me about stuff, you know. I can keep your secrets.”

“Thanks,” Derek says, feeling unsure. Not about whether he can trust Paige, he thinks he can, but unsure about whether he wants to tell her about things. About Stiles. Whether he should tell his family about his girlfriend anyways, even if it complicates things. He thinks maybe he should want to, at least, but he doesn’t.

He stays outside while she goes back in to her parents. He can’t hear her voice once it’s swallowed up by the noise of the party, but he can track Stiles’ heartbeat as he moves about the house, then eventually leaves with his father. He’s feeling more and more tense as the distance between them increases that he almost misses it when Peter joins him in the garden.

“Interesting party,” Peter says. “Interesting guests.”

“Sure,” Derek says, although he isn’t sure about what Peter wants. He wonders how he could have ever hero-worshipped Peter as he’d done when he was younger. Too naive, maybe, to see the kinds of games his uncle was so fond of playing. Even now that he knows they’re there, he still can’t always evade their traps.

“Love is the most important thing in the world, most people think,” Peter says, gaze heavy on Derek’s face. “Most people would do anything for it, right.”

“I guess,” Derek agrees. “Excuse me.”

He walks inside, but feels Peter’s eyes on him for the rest of the night.

XX

“I have to say, the school wouldn’t have been my choice of romantic rendez-vous spots for New Years, but I’ll take it,” Derek says. It’s a week later, and he’d finally managed to slip away from his family’s New Year’s Eve celebration to meet Paige in the hall outside the music room at the school. He’s not sure why she’d texted him to meet here of all places, but after their last awkward encounter he thinks he should make an effort regardless.

“What do you mean it wouldn’t be your choice, Derek, you chose it,” Paige says. She’s dressed comfortably, like she’d been planning on an early night and not like she was here on a romantic date with her boyfriend.

“I didn’t choose it,” Derek says slowly. “Wait, you didn’t text me?”

“You texted me,” Paige huffs. “Wait, if you didn’t…”

Paige breaks off as a distant growl rumbles through the halls.

“Please tell me that this is just a prank, and that was somebody in your family just having some fun welcoming me to knowing about werewolves,” Paige says, grabbing Derek’s hand. He pulls her closer, placing his body between her and the noise from down the hall. He can hear the distant screech of claws being run over the metal of lockers, and he herds her with his body further down the hall.

“I really wish I could,” Derek says. “Run!”

Paige, thankfully, doesn’t hesitate. Derek doesn’t usually think of Beacon Hills High as being exceptionally large, but right now the hallways seem endless as they run down them. He can hear the strange werewolf behind them, gaining on them. It sounds large, steady, and Derek thinks it must be an Alpha. He doesn’t know what it wants with them, but clearly no Alpha would confront the son of Talia Hale alone at night if they didn’t mean some sort of ill will.

Derek is so pumped up with adrenaline, his claws and fangs coming out unbidden as he prepares for fight even as they choose the flight option, that he almost doesn’t notice it when the usual buzzing starts to dim again. It’s only when he hears Stiles’ heartbeat twin with his own that he realizes that he’s here at the school too.

“No,” Derek grits out. He’s beginning to realize they can’t outrun the Alpha behind them so he’s started considering his options for hiding Paige or fighting, but then there are claws raking down his back, and he tries to push Paige forward, but she falls too, a couple feet ahead of him.

“Run,” Derek shouts at her, even as he tries to turn and swipes his claws across the Alpha’s chest. The Alpha is even larger than Derek had realized, and barely even flinches, digging his own claws into Derek’s soft exposed belly. Derek screams, can’t help it, but the Alpha seems less interested in him, gripping his throat and tossing Derek to the side. Derek tries to catch his breath, struggling to sit up and before he knows it Paige is by his side, helping him up.

“You need to run,” Derek rasps at her as the Alpha moves towards them.

“You must be the girl,” the Alpha growls, and Derek feebly tries to push her behind him. He thinks maybe if he attacks the Alpha with all he’s got, he can distract it enough that Paige can get away, only the steady beat in his ears is getting louder and before Derek can move, the door behind the Alpha is swinging open and there’s Stiles. Derek can only look on in horror as Stiles hits the Alpha across the head with baseball bat. The Alpha is temporarily stunned, long enough for Paige to haul Derek up and help him move down the hall slightly, but then the Alpha is turning behind him and grabbing Stiles, his claws digging mercilessly into Stiles’ shoulder before tossing him aside too.

“No,” Derek shouts before he can help it. The Alpha is once again heading towards them and Derek tries to shield Paige, but Stiles is forcing himself up and reaching out, tossing something into the air and Derek has one brief moment where he thinks maybe Stiles is trying to douse the Alpha in wolfsbane, only then Stiles claps his hands together, one pale but strong, the other dripping with blood from his injured shoulder. It doesn’t seem to make a difference though, because the ash he’d thought was wolfsbane is actually mountain ash, something that becomes apparent when it sails past the Alpha’s head and lands in a perfect circle around Derek and Paige, protecting them.

I didn’t know he could do that, Derek thinks dumbly.

“Paige, whatever happens, you guys stay in the circle,” Stiles shouts at them, collapsing onto his knees. The Alpha slams a fist towards Derek’s face, and Paige flinches behind him, but the circle holds strong, and the Alpha’s fist stops half a foot away from them, the barrier sparking slightly as it’s hit.

“Stiles,” Derek shouts helplessly, putting his own hand out and hitting the barrier. The Alpha in front of him smirks, like he just gave something away.

“I was promised a new beta, and I’m gonna get one,” the hulking Alpha says, turning back towards Stiles.

“Oh god,” Derek hears Paige gasp behind him, but his whole body feels like it’s on fire now. He pounds against the barrier keeping him in as the Alpha walks down the hall, grabbing Stiles roughly by the arm and dragging him back in front of where Derek is trapped.

“If you touch him, I’ll kill you,” Derek screams. It feels like he’s burning up from the inside out, but the barrier almost feels like it has some give to it. Like he’s moving in slow motion, but he’s moving.

The Alpha slams Stiles down on the ground in front of them, a loud crack resounding through the hall as Stiles’ arm snaps and Stiles screams. Paige is crying behind him and Derek thinks he’s going mad at this point, beating wildly against the barrier.

“He’ll make a good beta, a good pet,” the Alpha says with a smirk. “If he survives of course. These kinds of turns often don’t.”

“Stay in the circle, Derek,” Stiles says, and there’s blood on his mouth and he’s crying, probably despite himself. “It’s not your fault, please, just…”

The Alpha opens his mouth, fangs glistening, and Derek can’t watch Stiles be hurt by this Alpha, can’t watch him get turned against his will by someone else, can’t watch him die if he rejects the bite, as it happens when someone with a strong will or conflicted nature gets bitten when they don’t want to be.

Derek looks down and meets Stiles’ eyes. Stiles looks calm, staring back, like he wouldn’t rather be anywhere than here, protecting Derek.

The mountain ash barrier snaps, Derek can feel it bend to his will in an instant and then he’s through, tackling the Alpha to the ground, several feet away from both Stiles and Paige. The fight is fast and mean, and Derek thinks he doesn’t care what happens to him, as long as Stiles and Paige are safe. The Alpha has a grip on his throat that he just barely manages to break away from and he takes a couple steps back to catch his breath, feeling furious and more wolflike than he ever has before, his eyes glowing. The Alpha looks up and falters.

“What…” the Alpha says, staring at him. “Not possible.”

“If you touch them I’ll kill you,” Derek growls, and he feels powerful, more powerful than he ever has, and he wonders if that’s what all this with Stiles was. Some kind of power they’d both tapped into without being able to access it. Well he can feel it now. He wonders if Stiles can feel it too.

Derek lunges at the Alpha, feeling invincible and the Alpha must see that in his expression because he turns and runs. For a second it feels like victory, then it just feels confusing.

“Derek!” Paige shouts, and Derek turns and jogs back to where Paige has managed to haul Stiles into the ash circle. He’s bleeding, his eyes unfocused, and Paige only looks marginally better, her face bruised, hands bloody where they’re pressed against Stiles’ chest.

“Call your mom,” Stiles says, weakly. Derek nods, because yes, his Alpha needs to know about this other Alpha who was on Hale territory, attacking their Pack. He leans his head back and howls, the reverberations deeper and louder than he’s used to.

“I meant like, call her on your cell phone, but okay,” Stiles jokes.

“Break the circle,” Derek commands.

“You break it,” Stiles replies childishly. “You did before, and how the fuck did you do that dude, I thought werewolves were kept out by that shit.”

“I...don’t know,” Derek admits. “Add that to the list of things we don’t know.”

“Ugh, I hate not knowing things,” Stiles says.

“Yeah I know,” Derek says. He reaches out his hand though, and finds he can wave away the mountain ash, creating a hole he can lurch through in order to touch Paige’s face, making sure she’s okay, before putting his hands on Stiles, trying to take as much pain as possible. His arms are lined with black, and he feels guilt roiling through him. Neither Stiles nor Paige would be here tonight if it wasn’t for him, he thinks. He may not have been the one to call them here, but they never would have even known about werewolves otherwise.

“Derek, your eyes,” Paige says, reaching a hand out to his face, before pulling it back.

“What?” Derek asks, glancing down at Stiles, who is also staring at him in wonder.

“They’re red,” Stiles says.

In the distance Derek can hear his Pack getting closer, the uneven sirens of police and ambulances not far behind them. Their reckoning is here.

XX

Derek ends up having to wear a bandage and a sling. He’d been covered in too much blood when the authorities had shown up, to reasonably pretend he hadn’t been injured, and while they’d managed to keep him from being seen by a doctor, thanks in part to an amiable nurse named Melissa, they’d still needed some visual representation that he’d been hurt and was healing like any other human, and so Derek had been convinced that wearing his arm in a sling for a while was the easiest way to do that.

Derek had thought that talking to the police (especially the Sheriff, Stiles’ father) would be the hardest part, but it turned out that other than omitting a couple salient details, telling the truth in their statements was the easiest way of this whole thing. Derek and Paige were secretly dating, yes. They had met up at the school to make out on New Years Eve, yes. They were violently attacked by some man, yes. They didn’t know him, no. They didn’t know why Stiles showed up, no, but Stiles was odd, wasn’t he. He turned up where he wasn’t wanted sometimes. They didn’t know what that man wanted from them, no. They thought he had a knife maybe, he was crazy, who knew why crazy people did things.

It was all pretty straight forward. Talia even said she thought maybe the Sheriff would be an asset, if he was in the know about werewolves, they’d have to think about it, and put it to a Pack vote.

Derek didn’t know how he felt about that.

Stiles had to spend some time in the hospital. He’d had a collapsed lung, and they’d had to put pins in to set some of the bones broken in his shoulder. While he was in surgery, after they’d made their statement to the police and they’d watched the Sheriff pace aimlessly and anxiously around the waiting room before being ushered out for coffee by Melissa, the nurse with knowing eyes, after Paige had been dragged out of the hospital by her parents who’d given Derek dark looks, that he thought he deserved, he finally turned towards his mother.

“This is all my fault,” Derek says, burying his face in his hands.

“Did you hurt Stiles?” Talia asks beside him. “Did you give Paige those bruises? Put that fear in her eyes?”

“No,” Derek says immediately. “I’d never hurt them. But I didn’t tell you I was dating Paige. I didn’t tell you something was going on with Stiles. If I’d told you this wouldn’t have happened.”

“Maybe,” Talia says. “Derek show me your eyes.”

“No,” Derek says, covering them with his hands. But Talia reaches out, turning his chin so he can’t look away. He finally opens his eyes, letting their true color shine through.

“A True Alpha isn’t something to be ashamed of,” Talia says after a moment. “It’s something to be celebrated.”

“You aren’t mad?” Derek asks, feeling small despite everything that had happened that night.

“I’m not going to tell you that I’m not upset that you hid all of this from me,” Talia says, releasing him and sitting back. “But part of that is on me. You didn’t feel safe coming to me with this. Either with your relationship or your bond with your Emissary. I guess I wasn’t expecting these things from you, but that’s no excuse. You should have felt comfortable coming to me with these things, and you didn’t. Derek, you’re so responsible most of the time, sometimes I forget how young you still are. I’m sorry I made you think you had to hide these things.”

“I should have told you,” Derek says. “I don’t understand why I am an Alpha, I messed everything up. Stiles and Paige almost died. I never wanted to be an Alpha in the first place.”

“The best Alphas never do,” Talia says with a sigh. “I think that’s why you got this power. You were willing to give up your life to protect them. That meant something.”

“Is Stiles really my Emissary? And how come we formed that bond before I was even an Alpha?” Derek asks.

“I don’t have all the answers,” Talia says, putting her arm around his shoulders. Derek leans against her. He may be an Alpha now, but Talia is still his mom. “I just know that this was meant to be. We’ll take it one day at a time from now on. And I promise you, whoever set this up with this Alpha will pay.”

“Now that I do believe,” Derek chuckles. He can hear Stiles’ heartbeat, steady even in surgery and listens, grateful he has this proof even across the hospital that Stiles might be okay.

XX

It’s two more days before Derek manages to talk to Stiles or Paige. Sheriff Stilinski has apparently been let in on their supernatural secret and taken it basically as well as they could have hoped for. Derek had thought maybe it would make the Sheriff hate him, but instead he finds the Sheriff slapping him on the shoulder and telling him he hopes that maybe he could use his supernatural powers to keep Stiles out of trouble.

“Honestly, of the two of you, I’m more worried about you in this whole magical partnership thing,” the Sheriff says, and Derek doesn’t really know what to say to that. For the first couple days Stiles is hopped up enough on pain medication that Derek can’t really talk to him. Instead he manages to sit down properly with Paige, now that everything is out in the open.

“Look, I like you, and I don’t even mind the werewolf thing,” Paige says, sitting on her living room couch with him, her parents lingering in the kitchen nearby. “But it seems like you have a lot of stuff to figure out now, and my parents will feel better if I’m somewhere safer than Beacon Hills. I can focus on my music, and you can learn to be an Alpha. Just not together. But I want to stay in touch, if that’s something you’d want. It’s okay if you don’t, but I figured, if you needed someone to talk to, who knows about werewolves but isn’t in your Pack, I could be that person.”

It’s well...it hurts. To put it bluntly. It’s Derek’s first real break-up and it hurts, but part of him thinks it should hurt more. But Paige is alive, and mostly unharmed, and Stiles is alive, and less unharmed but healing, and Derek thinks all things considered they got lucky. And if that means that Paige needs to go live her life, whole and healthy somewhere else, well, he can’t be too bitter about that. She kisses him on the cheek, and he flashes his eyes at her as he leaves and she just laughs, delightedly. She’s not afraid of him, not any part, and he thinks he’s glad to have her in his life, in whatever capacity he can have her.

It’s another day before the Sheriff lets Derek know that not only is Stiles finally properly awake, but he’s been complaining all day about Derek’s absence in his hospital room. It takes Derek most of the morning to convince himself to go visit, nervous even if he doesn’t quite know why.

“I cannot believe you,” Stiles complains as soon as Derek walks into the hospital room. “You guys told my fucking dad while I was too unconscious to argue with it?”

“Well telling the Sheriff that werewolves are real and that I’m the reason you got so hurt wasn’t my first choice,” Derek protests, dropping into the chair next to Stiles’ hospital bed. “But apparently becoming a True Alpha at seventeen doesn’t actually give you that many privileges. This is still my mom’s territory and it’s her choice I guess.”

“True Alpha, huh,” Stiles says, rolling his eyes as Derek flashes his red at him. “I’m sure that’s not going to go to your head at all. Whatever happened to that whole ‘Oh Stiles you can’t be an Emissary because I’m not an Alpha’ thing, huh.”

“Things changed,” Derek says, shrugging.

“Thanks, by the way,” Stiles says, looking away. “For, you know, uh, saving me.”

“I think you saved me first,” Derek points out. “And besides, who would do research for me, if you weren’t around anymore.”

“Oh is that why you’re keeping me around?” Stiles asks. “For research purposes? I thought maybe it was my badass mountain ash throwing skills.”

“Those weren’t too bad,” Derek admits, taking Stiles’ hand in his own. The unsettling buzzing from before is gone now, he thinks, now it’s more just a gentle hum of anticipation. “So does showing up and protecting me with mountain ash mean you’ll be my Emissary? It’s your choice.”

“Dude, I’m pretty sure I made my choice back when I hounded you into stealing your mom’s books for me,” Stiles scoffs. “Like I’d let anyone else look after you. You’d get yourself killed. Dumbass.”

“Of all the people I could have developed an Emissary link to,” Derek says fondly, pressing his cheek to Stiles’ hand. “What did I do to deserve you.”

“Must’ve done something really good in a past life,” Stiles says. “Since you’re not that impressive in this one.”

“Yeah, must’ve. Well in that case, Emissary, if you’re fully on board, looks like we’re in it for the long haul,” Derek says, relief and anticipation pouring through his body, the link between them humming happily.

“Can’t wait,” Stiles says with a smirk. “Alpha.”

[uglifish]

Merry Christmas!

Happy holidays everyone!

Thank you so much for all the well wishes in my inbox!

I appreciate every single one of you!

Rant below:

Personally, I really wish I could be writing and editing as much as possible, but an old friend is visiting, so I'm showing him around town! He and I have been friends since 8th grade (crazy right?! Considering how we’re now both second years in college), and he recently reached out to me at the end of the school year to ask if he could spend Christmas break with me, cuz the rest of his family is in Korea (as he is of Korean nationality).

So of course I said "Yes, I totally understand!" (as my fam likes to disappear in Asia for the holidays and New Years too, but I was excluded this time around, as school starts immediately after the new year) so he packs his bags and flies in during the most CROWDED time. And here I was thinking, “This is fine.” ... NO, it was NOT fine.

My roommate and I were forced to circle the pick-up and drop-off area 4 times because his flight was delayed!

After two damn hours, we manage to pick him up, and so begins the long drive back to my apartment, which should have been a fun ride, but no, he was making weird, snide comments about how my hobbies are “creepy” and ridiculous. And of course, I WAS OFFENDED. Sure, I don’t have your typical “I play video games and watch movies” hobbies, but jeez, his shitty comments were really unnecessary!! And here I am, starting to think that this guy is a stranger even though we’ve been through so many years of friendship together. Even though we corresponded on Skype/text/snapchat frequently, it was never every day. It was...you know, the usual, on and off, sometimes at 7pm on Thursday, and other times at 2AM on a Monday. But my assumptions and expectations were this: 1) A childhood friend is staying over, so we’re gonna have fun!

2) Show him around town, eat good food, drink good wine and be merry

3) Catch up and fill each other in on what happened in the past 2 years!

But no! What actually (is) happening is this:

He arrived SICK, which threw a huge wrench into the entire week of plans, so the moment he landed, it was all about treating him gently because he was fucking ill, spreading his disease, coughing and hacking up a lung in my living room right now as I type this.

He got better yesterday, so we (my roommate and I) showed him out and about, but all he did was shadow us glumly, poking at all the things, acting emotionally unstable and indecisive about literally everything.

If it sounds like I’m griping right now, it’s because I AM.

I guess I’m astounded, offended, and deeply disappointed.

I am astounded that someone whom I’ve considered a close friend all this time, has changed this much, so much that the distance actually disgusts me.

I am also offended that his personality is generally rude and inconsiderate. If I’m paying for gas, providing transportation, room & board, and spending my time tour-guiding him on top of all that, some appreciation would be nice. But no, his face was like -____- this, the whole time. LIKE, IDK SHOW SOME ENTHUSIASM MAYBE?!?! OR AT LEAST SMILE??

I am deeply disappointed that this is the way the visit is turning out to be. It’s only day 3 of his visit and there’s 5 more to go, AND. I . AM. DYING.

I AM. EXHAUSTED! I AM DONE and FED UP with his monotone voice and attitude towards everything. If he is mentally ill (like depressed or some shit) I’m not judging, because we all suffer in similar ways, but I feel like I’m at least entitled to some kind of appreciation or positive reaction. And it makes me so upset to think that, maybe, the extent of our friendship was only kept alive through our casual conversations about nothing at all. .... ... ...*thinks about it for a long hard minute*

Yea.....this guy isn’t my friend. We’re more like, strangers who talk occasionally on the internet, and now my living room is his hotel room, and I’m a free tour guide + chauffeur.

Welp, I feel like shit. Merry Christmas.

I couldn’t edit or post Case001 or 8SidedShape while dealing with all this shit, but don’t worry, a chapter is always in the works and they’re always coming. My editors are angels that walk on earth.

If you read down this far *shakes head*...thank you, again, I guess. Gosh. ><\ I’m at a general loss for words for how terrible my year is ending.

Hope ya’ll will have a great end to 2017 and an awesome start to 2018!

Hugs, Ugli

[romaniassexdungeon]

J’ai tout ce qu’on rêverait d’avoir (Shiro x Coran)

Summary: Skint student Shiro signs up to a Sugar Daddy finder. Ironically, of course.

Pairings: Shiro/Coran, Sven/Slav, past Alfor/Coran

Warnings: death mentions, adult humour

Notes: Thanks to @phyripo for listening to me ramble about this terrible idea

I don't even know how to explain this. Ever start writing something for a laugh then get weirdly invested in the characters and their backstory? Also I fucking love Shiro x Coran unironically fite me.

AO3 lonk

...

He was doing this ironically, Shiro told himself.

He’d made one damn joke to Matt and in the one hour he’d set aside to take a nap, had been inundated with… websites. Websites he hadn’t even known existed, let alone been aware of how abundant they were. Thanks, Matt. He was now a little less innocent. And had a little less faith in humanity.

In all honesty, Shiro should probably just message Matt back telling him to fuck off and get back to his assignment. Or do a late night food shop. Or do literally anything that wasn’t browsing sugar daddy websites. But his body was on autopilot and he probably couldn’t stop himself if he tried.

He didn’t actually want a sugar daddy, right? It had been a joke! He’d just wanted to vent his frustrations at having yet another asshole treat him like an intruding bug at work because God dammit it wasn’t his fault if a meal wasn’t up to the customers’ standards, or was taking too long. Did he look like some verbal punching bag or something?

Also he was doing his masters degree now, and accumulating more debt than he knew what to do with. He wasn't sure he could pole dance with one arm either.

Could he actually get a sugar daddy to agree to pay off his tuition fees? Or at the very least his maintenance loans and groceries.

No because he wasn’t actually after a sugar daddy!

Most of these websites only accepted female sugar babies anyway. He did find a few that he could join, but for the love of all things good in the world he wasn’t about to for real.

Shiro leaned back in his desk chair, imagining, just for a moment, what it would be like to have a sugar daddy. Horrible. It would be utterly horrible. The image of him wheeling some 90 year old around Abercrombie and Fitch then having lunch at some overpriced boutique restaurant whilst everyone glared at him judgementally because they would all know what the fuck was up was not a pleasant one. And then they’d go back to his penthouse apartment overlooking the Thames and-

Shiro thought he would throw up.

This was a terrible idea.

Thankfully, his phone beeped and gave him an opportunity to think of something else for a second, even if it was his best friend’s lasy ass messaging him on discord from the next room.

DankMattMatt: Yo you check out those links yet?

Shiro scowled at his screen.

DankMattMatt: Reply, coward.

Shiro decided to not do that. Five minutes of staring at the login screen of one of those websites he was not going to join later, and Matt had something else to say.

DankMattMatt: oh MY GOD ARE YOU SIGNING UP TO THEM?????

Shirohfuck: nOOOOOOO

DankMattMatt: you aRE!!!!!

He wasn’t! He swore it!

Shirohfuck: Yes but ironically???

DankMattMatt: ironic sugar daddy?

Shirohfuck: yeh

DankMattMatt: moronic sugar baby

Shirohfuck: No.

Shirohfuck: I can’t think of a good username????

Unsurprisingly, his mind was devoid of any intelligent thought as he told himself over and over again he was mostly curious about what the website looked like once you were set up on it, how it worked and what sort of questions he would be asked.

And maybe to see if there were some guys on there that didn’t look one shag away from a heart attack.

DankMattMatt: hmm

DankMattMatt: How about Takashi_Shirogains

DankMattMatt: because you’re always at the gym working on your gains???

Shiro snorted. The last person who should be talking about gains was Matthew Holt.

Shirohfuck: that’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard

Shirohfuck: I love it!

Shirohfuck: I’m not always at the gym though???? Just when I need to de-stress.

DankMattMatt: So all the time??

Fuck you, Matt.

Shiro ignored him and typed in his new, terrible, username. It didn’t matter, really. He was just here to have a look around, and see just what kind of people signed up to this and what kind of messages he’d get.

He was a man of science, and therefore curiosity only came naturally to him.

DankMattMatt: oooh, I got it!

DankMattMatt: fifty-shades-of-shirogrey

Shirohfuck: NO!!!!!!

The next page seemed to relate to the bulk of his profile, either what people could see or what the site would base his matches on. He didn't fucking know. It also looked longer than some of his assignments.

Shirohfuck: holy fuck that’s a lotta questions

DankMattMatt: bring your laptop out here dude I need to see this

Shiro sighed, scooped up his laptop and downed the last of his beer. The idea of signing up to a dating site for a laugh with Matt didn’t seem so bad. He’d probably liveblog it which technically counted as writing down their findings, and therefore it was an experiment not anything else. For science!!!

When he trudged into the living room of their flat he found Matt still working on his drinks cans Christmas tree, a weird tradition they’d had since they’d been freshers, because Matt saw someone do it on the internet and therefore needed to try it himself, the walking meme.

Oh well, saved on buying an actual Christmas tree.

Shiro wondered whether they’d bother buying real decorations this year or, like always, just balance Matt’s pokemon toys and alien waifu figurines on it again. Probably the latter. Who said a Japanese guy and a weeb couldn’t be best friends?

Whilst Matt was occupied with sellotaping energy drinks and beer cans together, their other flatmate, Sabhajit ‘Slav’ Pawar was typing away at a laptop, probably doing something more productive than signing up to - thanks, Matt.

“Oy, sugar pup,” Matt drawled, pulling tape out of his hair, “while you’re up, grab that bottle of Absolute in the cupboard and two shot glasses – wait, Slav?”

“Wot?”

“Wanna watch Shiro sign up to a sugar daddy finder?”

Slav raised an eyebrow at Shiro, who flushed an ugly shade of maroon and buried his face in the kitchen cupboard.

“You know that there’s a 38% chance this is the reality where I fail to hand in my assessment on time?” He did seem to be looking over with interest though.

“Those are pretty good odds,” Matt reasoned, “and besides, how often do you get to see Shiro try and pull creepy old men?”

"Oh, next to zero." Slav nodded, but he still looked unsure. Matt groaned.

“Just bring your work over here. And Shiro? Make that three shot glasses.”

“I’ll definitely be needing it,” Shiro placed the vodka on the coffee table, sweeping empty cans onto the floor and ignoring Matt’s protesting.

“So, if it works out for you, should we all think about signing up?” asked Slav, settling down on Shiro’s other side, just to make sure he was sandwiched between the two terrible enablers.

“You’re dating my brother,” Shiro reminded him, “you’re not allowed.”

“Well I’m gonna,” said Matt, “unless, you know, it doesn’t work out for you Shiro. Our pioneer. Boldly going where no Holt or Pawar has gone before. Or at least I hope my sister has never been on these sites.”

“Thanks,” Shiro scoffed, then his smile fell; “I kinda feel bad, you know? I don’t wanna catfish people.”

“You’re not catfishing anyone,” exclaimed Matt, “you’re literally filling in your profile honestly!”

Shiro chewed his lip. “But what if someone sees my profile and falls in love with me? And I’m just doing it for a laugh.”

Matt rolled his eyes. “Yeah I don’t think it’s that kind of website. Slav?”

“Yeah?”

“What’s the chance of Shiro meeting his soulmate on here?”

“Zero point five percent.”

Matt grinned. “See? Now, what profile picture should you use?”

They soon decided a selfie Shiro took on a lads holiday to Ibiza last year really fit the bill, given that he was shirtless and at the beach. It screamed 'I suit luxury, please pamper me'.

“Don’t worry,” Matt assured him, “you’re the best-looking guy I’ve seen. Ever.”

“And with this picture showing off how strong you are,” added Slav, “there is an 80% chance you’ll find a millionaire willing to date you within seconds.”

Shiro wasn’t so sure. “Guys, d’you think a picture without my prosthetic would be better? What if it puts people off?” That being said, why the fuck did he care?

“Shiro,” Matt placed a hand on either side of his face, “I’m gonna be honest with you: if someone has a problem with your prosthetic, they’re not worth your time. Like, even if they’re millionaires, don’t bother. They’re scum and you don’t need them in your life.”

Shiro stared straight into Matt’s eyes, at his steely determination, and nodded. “You’re right, bro.”

“I know I’m right! And besides,” added Matt with a wink, “there are probably people into prosthetic limbs. Like, I bet there’s websites and everything.”

How in the fuck – Shiro was speechless. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know further.

“Well that’s a load of shit,” he mumbled, turning back to his profile.

“I’m fairly certain it’s what Slav has,” commented Matt.

“I just think his arm is cool!” Slav cried, a little too defensively. Shiro wondered if he was qualified to launch himself into space yet.

“Whatever,” he grumbled, “I’ll just keep the picture.” He still had a lot of bullshit questions to get through before he could start nosing at other people’s profiles.

“What’s next?” asked Matt.

“Age, location, simple enough.” Financial information? He chuckled at that. “Where’s the ‘broke as shit’ option?”

“Just pick the lowest bracket I guess,” offered Matt. “Minimal, yeah that sounds about right. Hmm, build?”

“Is there a ‘sculpted’ option?” asked Slav. Shiro snorted.

“Athletic, buddy.” He clicked the box, hoping the profile pic suggested as such; he’d been on some strong cocktails and donner kebabs for the entire week. “I need a heading, apparently, like a title?”

“Space daddy,” said Matt immediately.

“I’m looking for a daddy, genius,” Shiro’s face fell; “I don’t actually have to call them ‘daddy’, do I?” A couple of his exes had taken to calling him that and he'd soon acquired a slight distaste for the word.

“Space puppy?”

“Why do you keep calling me that? Pup?”

Matt scoffed. “Don’t you even know sugar bowl terms? A sugar pup is a male sugar baby. So you, now.”

“I wouldn’t call myself one yet,” Shiro groaned, “the profile’s not complete. There’s still an opportunity for me to pull out.”

“Oh I think there’ll be a few opportunities for you to pull out,” Matt commented, then, when Shiro groaned and cradled his face in his hands, slung an arm over his shoulder, “you kinda walked into that one, buddy.” His other hand was used to execute a terrible high-five with Slav.

“I know and I hate it.”

The three soon decided ‘lost space boy’ was probably a better header.

“Hey you can add more photos,” Slav commented.

“Nice, I guess.” And so Shiro wasted another five minutes trying to decide which photos made him look the most athletic, and handsome. He wanted a wide range of messages, after all, to collect the best data. Science!

“I don’t have children,” he said aloud when they reached the next page, “unless we count you too.”

“Please don’t,” whined Matt, “we’ve both hit on you – that’s weird!”

“Now you know how I’ve felt for the past half hour.”

“Smoke?”

“Nah.”

“Drink?”

“Yes please.” Shiro took another shot before checking the ‘casual drinker’ box. Matt and Slav just judged him silently. Shiro ignored them, filling in his education level instead.

“Oh, an ‘about me’. How fun.” Shiro never knew how to fill out those damned things, but with the help of his two terrible friends, he managed to cobble together a not-totally-terrible description of himself.

Hi, I’m Takashi Shirogane, and I’m a 25 (well, 6 if you only count leap years) y/o postgrad student studying astrophysics. I’d love to become an astronaut one day, or failing that help launch astronauts into the void.

In my spare time, I can usually be found at the gym, or exploring the city. I’m particularly fond of the science museum! I’m a hard worker, and my idea of fun is a well-earned rest, or reading a good book. I like my alone time, but I also value strong friendships with my wonderful bros. So even if we don't hit it off romantically, we can always maintain a friendship!

And now to tell the potentials what he was actually looking for in them.

“Money,” said Matt firmly.

“You can’t put that,” argued Slav, “you have to beat around the bush!”

“I know, damn.”

Shiro ignored them, wondering just what he’d want if he was being serious about this, and began to type.

What I’m looking for is someone to have deep conversations with, someone who will make me feel special and cared for. I don’t want a walking credit card, but someone I can have a fun, adult relationship with. Someone with similar interests would be a bonus too! Not looking for short term or FWB, sorry.

“Not bad,” Matt gave a whistle as Shiro added a few tags, and that was it. Profile complete.

“Well now what?” asked Slav after ten seconds of silence.

“We wait for the daddies to roll in, duh,” Matt rolled his eyes, though Shiro had to wonder how long that would take.

“Oh wait,” he muttered, leaning closer, “my profile hasn’t been activated yet. They have to check all my information, I guess.” And with that thought in mind, the trio dispersed. Shiro made his way into the kitchen, Matt promising to call him if he got any messages, and threw a prawn tikka masala in the microwave. Slav was finally released from his curiosity hostage situation long enough to continue his assessment.

Dinner made – at 1 in the morning – Shiro settled down to have a browse whilst he waited. Apparently, he could make a Wishlist of things he wanted to be bought, but decided against it, much to Matt’s protesting that he needed a new laptop. Shiro told him to go back to his Christmas tree of disappointment.

A two hour nap later, and Shiro had ten messages.

The first message was asking for nudes. The second wanted pictures of his feet, of all things. Shiro decided not to reply to either.

Shiro, Matt and Slav amused themselves by taking turns to do dramatic readings of increasingly creepy messages until they were blushing up to the ears. This continued with each new message, until they got to one that wasn’t as awful. Thankfully.

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun-with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: I’m also a fan of your muscles!!!

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: I don’t know why I said that

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: both those things, really!!!!

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: I’m so sorry!!!!

“Fuck that’s actually sweet,” Matt commented.

“Yeah, he seems nice! Or shy, at least.” At last, someone he would actually like to message back.

“Might want to tell him you’re not mad then,” said Slav, “before he completely has a breakdown.”

“Oh, right.”

Takashi_Shirogains: Hey dude don’t worry!

Takashi_Shirogains: Honestly this is the sweetest message I’ve gotten yet??

“Should I send him a silly chat up line back?” he asked.

“Go for it!”

Takashi_Shirogains: Every time i look at you i feel like an astronaut...your beauty makes me float.

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: !! aww!!

“I should probably check what he looks like,” Shiro commented, hurriedly clicking on this strange man’s profile. Hopefully this guy wasn't a munter, or old as fuck. There had been a tiny profile pic, yes, but hardly visible, just an orange blur. Like Garfield's pubes or something.

Now he could see quite the collection of photos.

“That’s… that’s a pretty big moustache,” Matt noted.

It was. It nearly covered his mouth, bright ginger to match his hair. There were two other things Shiro noted immediately, the first one being his love of brightly-coloured shirts – sequins, swirls, the lot. The second one was that his smile: no matter what picture he was in, he always had the goofiest but kindest smile Shiro had ever seen. It certainly put him at ease.

"Could you fucking imagine that thing tickling your balls," exclaimed Matt, still on the moustache, apparently.

Slav gave a whine. "Matt, please!"

"Oh yeah! I'm sure your boyfriend knows all about that."

Shiro mimed throwing up whilst Slav scratched at his patchy beard and moustache. "That's my actual brother you're talking about!"

“45 years old,” Matt commented, ignoring them, “could be worse.”

“Yeah at least he’s not 70,” agreed Shiro. He wasn’t that bad looking either. Yes, the moustache was ridiculous and he was somewhat older, but there was something charming about him, charmingly handsome, even. He looked like he’d be equally able to provide a good joke and the exact comforting comment you needed to hear.

“Even his name is eccentric,” said Slav, “Coran Hieronymus Wimbleton Smythe. Who has four names? Especially ones like those.”

“I’ve never met a ‘Coran’ in my life,” Matt added, “didn’t even know it was a name; thought it was a book, to be honest. Then again, if my parents named me that I’d probably end up being a little eccentric.” He already was a little eccentric, but the other two decided not to comment.

Shiro just stared at the photos. Everything about this man was batcrap insane and, for some reason, he absolutely loved it. Maybe he just gravitated towards weirdos, but he wasn’t complaining.

“Dude he’s fucking loaded!” cried Matt, jostling his shoulder and pointing at Coran’s earnings, or what he claimed were his earnings. Shiro tore his eyes away from Coran and his garish shirts to actually study his profile.

Okay, he was a casual drinker too, interested in men, didn’t smoke. Under number of children he’d put ‘prefer not to say’. Shiro wondered what that meant. Did he have like ten?

“Woah, he’s a CEO of his own company,” he commented, “congratulations to him, I guess.”

Matt looked at him curiously. “A little infatuated, are we?”

“He seems nice,” Shiro reasoned.

“Yes but what has he put about himself?” asked Slav, scrolling down.

Matt snorted. “So what’s the probability of this guy being a serial killer?”

“Five percent.”

“I’d risk it. For that money.”

“Did either of you see he was a widower?” asked Shiro with a pang. Poor guy. How did he even bring that up in conversation? Well, not right now, for starters.

“What if he murdered his husband?” asked Matt. Slav looked at him in horror.

“You can’t say that! That’s horrible!”

“It might be true!”

“It’s highly unlikely!”

Shiro just busied himself with reading Coran’s profile and holy fuck did it confirm the man was the strangest human being on the planet.

Erm, hello there, weary internet traveller!!! I, Coran Hieronymus Wimbleton Smythe, would like to welcome you to my dating page!! I hope you find out what you need to know here, but to help, let me tell you a little about myself. I must say, it is quite the saga!!! I shall try not to tell every story here though, or we’ll have nothing to talk about ourselves!

Forty five years ago, on quite the historic day, I was born in Wellington, New Zealand, with a dream. Although, I probably didn’t have this dream as a baby, I probably dreamt about shitting myself and drinking milk. Anyway! The dream was education!! As a boy, I was fascinated by the world around me, and beyond. My interests were varied, but all relating to science. Then again, I suppose everything relates to science, in a way. I kept a collection of crystals and interesting rocks, whilst simultaneously looking to the stars with my little telescope. I also had a collection of fossils I’d found, and it was safe to say my parents were probably a little relieved when I packed my bags and went off to university!!!!!

It was there that I studied astrophysics whilst maintaining a love of drama and the arts, naturally. In my time I’ve travelled to the US to work with NASA before settling down in the UK, where I remain to this day. Not counting holidays and business trips, I suppose.

I am now the CEO of New Horizons, a company that makes science kits and equipment for the curious child!!!

It has not been an easy climb to the top, and I’ve had to deal with everything up to fighting a bear!!!! Yeah, I don’t live in the US anymore for a reason. I also had some trouble with a shark on holiday to Australia once and it didn’t end well. For the fucking shark!!! Shame, really, I hate hurting animals but you must do what you must in the name of self-defence, right?

I would say I was closest to my grandfather as a boy, and he taught me all he knew about geology! And everything, really.

As well as science, my hobbies include museums, watching plays, writing screenplays, water skiing, butterfly collecting, yodelling, flying, engineering and dance. I also love spending time at the beach!

I speak various dialects of English, as well as Māori, French and Mandarin, and apparently, I can do quite a convincing range of accents! I also love learning new languages, so if you speak a language I do not, never fret! I will soon learn it for you, my future dear!

I'll also just say it right fucking now: I will drink you under the table!!!

My favourite colour is baby blue and my favourite films are ‘what we do in the shadows’ and ‘hunt for the wilderpeople’.  I listen to anything really, though I prefer classical and jazz. I have heard some of your young people music, though, and I must say I’m fucking impressed!!!

Oh fuck, it seems I’m running out of characters. Well, I hope that was enough to glean something of my personality.

Cheerio!

“I love him,” Matt muttered, “like, I wish he was my uncle or something. Or even just a guy I could go on the piss with. I’d probably end up dead but it’d still be the best night of my life!”

“I want to listen to all these stories of his,” said Slav, “he’s probably a genius!”

“Not as big a genius as you though,” said Matt, “is there anything you don’t know?”

“How to be emotionally stable?”

“Dude, same.”

“I’m speechless,” muttered Shiro, silencing them both. This couldn’t be a real person, surely. His mind seemed incapable of working after reading about Coran’s life, and yet, he was pretty sure he’d be willing to believe it all.

Also, pray tell, what the fuck Coran?

“What does he want though?” asked Slav, “what is he looking for in a person?”

“Himself, probably,” Matt smirked. Shiro ignored him, and read on.

I suppose what I want in a romantic partner is romance, plain and simple - a deep bond and something long term. If that sounds intimidating, I’m sorry and I hope you find someone more to your tastes!!!

I can be incredibly doting, I promise, but I guess I also want long conversations about science and our lives too. I also would like someone not opposed to more cultural days out, though I’m open to fun of a more simplistic nature too!!!

“He means fucking,” said Matt.

Shiro rolled his eyes. “Or going to a club, maybe?”

I’m also partial to discussions regarding conspiracy theories, and am always interested to know which ones you believe, and which you find completely ridiculous. If you have any experiences with aliens, I’d love to hear all about them too!

“Shiro, run. He’s probably part of a cult.” Matt’s jaw had almost hit the floor by now.

“I think he sounds interesting,” Slav sniffed. He, for one, loved a good conspiracy theory, and was certain this was the reality where alien invasion was inevitable.

I don’t want to dwell on the physical, but I do have a thing for muscles!

“He’s your soulmate,” said Matt with such determination that Shiro couldn’t tell if he was joking or not.

“He is brilliant,” he reasoned.

“Why don’t you message him back then?” asked Slav.

Fuck. He’d forgotten about that little message notification.

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: You still there?

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: I haven’t scared you off, have it?

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: Ooops, in that case I’m sorry!

“I’d have messaged him quicker if his profile wasn’t so damn long. And terrifying.”

Takashi_Shirogains: No no! I was just reading your profile!

Takashi_Shirogains: Interesting life!

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: Why thank you!!! All true, I can assure you!!!

Takashi_Shirogains: good to know!

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: nice to meet another scientist, may I add!!

Takashi_Shirogains: same!

Takashi_Shirogains: nice to meet someone who doesn’t want dick pics

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: Now I never said I didn’t

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: I’m joking!!!!!

Takashi_Shirogains: good to know omg

“He’s not joking,” Matt insisted.

“Shut up.”

Takashi_Shirogains: so what brings you to the sugar bowl?

Takashi_Shirogains: I mean I signed up for a laugh but you seem nice so?

“I had to be honest about that,” he explained, “I’m not catfishing this sweet old man!”

It was imminently clear from Matt’s face that Shiro had said something dumb as fuck. “Okay, firstly, you’ve used all your correct information, so it’s not catfishing, still, and secondly, maybe he’s catfishing you. Also he’s on a website in the hopes of basically paying people to date him.”

Shiro gave a pout. Although he hated to admit it, Matt had a point.

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: Sugar what?

Takashi_Shirogains: sugar bowl

Takashi_Shirogains: you know, what this whole scene is called, apparently. Idk that’s what my roommate said anyway

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: scene?

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: like, online dating? I’ve never done this before, I have to admit.

Matt snorted. “He’s either senile or majorly taking the piss.”

Or both, Shiro supposed.

Takashi_Shirogains: …

Takashi_Shirogains: like… sugar daddies and sugar babies??? This is what this website is for??? it's not my kink but i'm not judging???

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: hold on I need to google some things.

It took a full minute to receive Coran’s reply.

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: …

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: ..,

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: my

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: my son said this was a website for successful people

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: I was wondering why no one I matched with seemed to be in the same bracket financially

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: not that I have a problem with that! It just confused me

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: Takashi????

Shiro wanted to reply, but Matt was buried in his chest, laughing with tears streaming down his face. Slav was on the floor, and Shiro wasn’t sure he’d ever seen the guy laugh so hard. He himself was certain he’d have a ten-pack by the time he’d stopped laughing.

Takashi_Shirogains: OH MY GOD

Takashi_Shirogains: you poor man!!

Takashi_Shirogains: are you oka y????

Takashi_Shirogains: Also call me Shiro everyone else does

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: I’m so embarrassed!!!!!!

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: I asked my son and he fessed up but he won’t stop laughing!!!!!

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: This is almost as bad as the time he added gimp masks to my shopping list and I actually asked the guy at tesco if they sold them because I didn’t know what a gimp mask was.

Takashi_Shirogains: how in the fu

Takashi_Shirogains: ck

Takashi_Shirogains: holy shit

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: yeah, that sums it up pretty nicely, Shiro

“So… how do you feel about being a stepdad?” asked Slav, “your sugar daddy might not be a sugar daddy but he’s at least a dad?”

“Fuck, he has a kid.” Shiro blew his tuft of hair out of his face, sinking back into the chair. He honestly didn’t know what to make of that information.

Takashi_Shirogains: so you have a son?

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: I have 3 kids

Takashi_Shirogains: holy fuck

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: yaa I didn’t want to put it on my profile because it might attract creeps

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: sorry if that puts you off but I should mention my kids will always come first???

Takashi_Shirogains: yeah no I understand! It just came as a little shock but I don’t mind!!

He wasn’t sure he didn’t mind, but that would be something he’d have to think about later.

Takashi_Shirogains: how old are they?

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: a little younger than you actually. My oldest just started uni!!!

“At least you’re not gonna be a toyboy who’s younger than his own kids,” Matt reasoned.

“Never call me that again.”

Takashi_Shirogains: so you don’t need me to babysit?

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: haha no!!

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: oh, you weren’t expecting an actual sugar father, were you?

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: sorry to disappoint you

CoranCoranGorgeousMan: although I could try that if you want?

Takashi_Shirogains: no it’s fine! Like I said, I signed up for a laugh. Uni life got me broke and all

Takashi_Shirogains: also it’s sugar daddy omg

Shiro didn’t know what happened, but somehow he ended up talking to Coran throughout the night, eventually passing out on the sofa long after Matt and Slav had dragged themselves to bed. They talked about themselves, their lives and Coran’s children, and when Shiro woke up the next afternoon, he felt strangely giddy and lightheaded. He'd signed up ironically; what the hell happened?

[purplesurveys]

706

What weird food combinations do you enjoy? I’m willing to experiment mayonnaise with most food. I also dip my fries in hot fudge sundae and because I’m Filipino I have to have my fried chicken paired with banana ketchup. Where do you get your news? Usually from the Twitter and Facebook handles of my go-to news outlets. My dad is also the only one who turns on the TV in the dining area so whenever he’s home and watches the evening news I get to hear the reports as well. What social stigma does society need to get over? HIV/AIDS, dating or marrying the same sex, tattoos... even breastfeeding is a fucking stigma lmao. So many people are babies. What is the best/worst prank that you've played on someone? I hate being the victim of pranks so I never pull them on anyone. What was the last photo you took? My dog jumping up to ask for food last night.

What makes you roll your eyes every time you hear it? Lately our president has been wanting to give nightly addresses on TV every midnight so when I hear another announcement from the government I just roll my eyes because I know it’s gonna be another hour-long speech that not only has absolutely zero substance to it, but made everyone unnecessarily stay up that late. What are you currently worried about? I’m worried about my remaining academic requirements. With the suspension of online classes and the lockdown being extended until April 30 (which is virtually the end of the semester), I have no idea what’s gonna become of our academic calendar and my grades – and the status of my graduation.

A notable school in the country already mass-promoted (read: passed) all their students and is planning to give tuition fee refunds since only two months of the sem were used. It’s honestly the most responsible thing to do for now and I hope all other universities follow suit.

Do you think aliens exist? I believe we aren’t the only ones alive out here but I also don’t think they look like the creatures books or movies have made them out to be. What mythical creature do you wish actually existed? Meh, was never a fan of anything mythical/mythological. What are you interested in that most people aren't? Pro wrestling. In my 15 years of being a fan I’ve only found literally a handful of people (at least who are also Filipino) who shared the same passion or amount of interest as I have. It’s just never been a popular topic or fanbase here so I never get to bring it up – and I’m afraid to bring it up because people seem to judge anyone still into wrestling these days. What's the most ridiculous thing you have bought? My most pointless purchase was a pink bar of soap with lettering that says “Gay Bar.” It’s a novelty item at best and I never needed to buy it, but I had money that day so I did and now it’s gathering dust in one of my drawers. What sounds hit you with major nostalgia every time you hear them? The PS1 start-up noise is a big candidate. If given the oppurtunity to open a museum, what kind would you create? They have museums about everything now, so I think it’d be a good idea to turn to my roots and make an ancestral house instead and have it in our home province. My family has a rich history and it’d be a waste if we allowed ourselves to forget. When was the last time you immediately regretted what you said? I think last night? We were having pork belly bought from outside for dinner and I was talking about how good it tasted and that it was the best thing I’ve had in a while. I forgot my dad has been cooking us a different meal every single day since the quarantine started and they all have tasted amazing as well. After I realized what I said I felt like shit and immediately downplayed the pork belly so that he didn’t feel left out. What's the silliest thing you've seen someone get upset about? My mom is a champion of this list lmao, there’s so much stupid shit she’s thrown a fit over. The most ridiculous one happened last year when my sister sprained her ankle and my mom would not help her walk around and even walked faster than the rest of us. It was like she was purposely leaving us behind, which confused and pissed me off. Anyway I was left assisting Nina as she hobbled on. Eventually I caught up to my mom and asked her to slow down and to be with us and to help my sister walk. Apparently it was enough to piss her off and the whole ride home she was yelling at me and legitimately sobbing about how humiliated she was when I called her out because she thinks people overheard and are judging her for it. I mean if you’re afraid of getting judged isn’t that proof you know you did something shitty?

The sermon also turned personal and she started screaming about how I was a horrible daughter and that I’ve never done anything right, and that I was a disappointment, and that I was straying further from God everyday and she could see the horns growing on my head. How’s that for abusive? What was the best thing that happened to you today? I finally finished the level I’ve been stuck on in Mario Kart 8 and now I’m officially done with the game. I’ve never finished any video game before so it feels pretty bitching!!!!!!!!! Do you consider yourself a good cook? I don’t even consider myself a cook. What's the dumbest thing someone has argued with you about? ^ The thing I just talked about, even though it wasn’t technically an argument because my mom didn’t let me talk throughout.

The next dumbest thing I could think of is probably when my grown-ass aunt fought me back when I was 13 on whether Beyoncé lip-syncs or not. It was a random family discussion and I was just talking about how much I like Beyoncé and she not only stole my thunder by picking a fight with me, but she also made me feel bad about something I loved lol. She was so insistent that she lip-syncs and was so hungry for an argument, I didn’t understand why?????? so I just dropped it and rolled my eyes at my dad. IT’S SO DUMB RIGHT What did you google last? Information I needed for an article I’m currently writing. What fashion trend makes you cringe or laugh everytime you see it? Skirts paired with either denim jeans or leggings, and short vests. All the Disney stars wore them and it was the epitome of fashion for us at the time aaaahhhhhhahahahahaha. What's your favorite holiday movie? LOVE ACTUALLY. For sure. I’d also say It’s A Wonderful Life but it has some very low points that ruins the Christmas-yness for me. How ambitious are you? I’m pretty ambitious and also a bit of a perfectionist, but I’m also aware of my limits and I don’t always jump onto tasks feeling confident. I know what I’m capable of so if I’m faced with something I know other people can be better at, I’ll consciously be less ambitious at it cos I usually let my insecurity get in the way. What was the biggest realization you have had about yourself? As someone who’s always thrived on being an introvert, the last few months and years have taught me that I CAN talk to people if I have to? And they’re not scary? I had little hope for myself prior to my internship - but it ended up being fun and I met a lot of awesome new people. I also never thought I’d get to write articles solely because I hate interviewing people - but my sources have all been nothing but nice to me. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’ve always doubted my ability to talk to people and dive in to unfamiliar scenarios, but when I do either it’s always turned out to be great experiences for me.

What topic could you spend forever talking about? If we’re going for what’s been the most recent hot topic, it would be the government’s incompetence in dealing with COVID-19 so far. Which way should toilet paper hang, over or under? Over. What word is a lot of fun to say? I dunno. I don’t think of words in terms of how fun they are to say. Maybe curse words? HAHAHA If you didn't have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time? Assuming the internet is nothing to worry about, I’d watch all the series I’ve long planned on watching but can’t because Netflix does a big pull on the entire household’s connection. Are you usually early or late? Early or on time. There is no ‘late’ for me. What do you wish you knew more about? The future. Not knowing the answers to it is so irritating/boring to me. What is the most annoying question you've been asked? Asking if I go to rallies/am an activist/am part of the NPA just because of the school I come from. None of those things are bad at all, but I’ve always been annoyed at the stereotyping. How different was your life 1 year ago? I wasn’t graduating yet then. And I was OUTSIDE MOST DAYS because there wasn’t any fucking virus. What movie title best describes your life? Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, except I literally have to be stuck at home. What was the last lie you told? Telling my groupmates I had some family stuff at home to fix before getting started on our group project, but really I had to take a bath first because I wanted to feel fresh while working. It’s a minor lie, but it still made me feel bad. What type of music do you listen to? It’s usually varied but my go-to genres are indie pop, electropop, alternative rock, punk rock, *some* indie, R&B, and pop.

Are you a good listener? Yeah, it’s why I prefer to be one than a talker. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? Cookies and cream or some peanut butter/chocolate concoction. Do you think you're brave? I can be. Just not about everything. What are you most grateful for in your life? The relatively comfortable life we live considering where we live. And that covers everything from the food we eat, the schools we’ve been sent to, where we get to travel (or the fact that we can travel at all), etc.

What was the worst phase in your life? My rebellious, no-one-understands-me, angsty teen phase when I was 12-13 and my time readjusting in college when I was 18-19. What is a relationship deal breaker for you? Verbal abuse. What are some things that give you complete peace of mind? Staying in coffee shops, driving at midnight, views of the skyline at night, staying on the rooftop at night and being under the stars... I just like a lot of things about the night. Would you like to explore another planet? Yesssssss. Who was your favorite cartoon character as a child? Spongebob. Cosmo from The Fairly Oddparents comes at a close second. What would you do if you were the president of your own country? Right now? I’d assure people everything was being taken care of – mass testing, support for doctors, provision of PPEs and free transportation for frontliners, making all the senators (who are all expectedly not doing anything, save for one) work their asses off, put part of the P275B fund to assist middle- and lower-class people who can’t  – instead of imposing shoot-to-kill orders for the military to anyone criticizing the government or rambling about absolutely fucking nothing in nation addresses.

[hellyeahrpmemes]

※ JENNA MARBLES SENTENCE STARTERS, PT. V ※

here’s sentences from 10 more of jenna’s videos! feel free to change names/pronouns/zodiac signs/etc.! I • II • III • IV

OPPOSITE CONTOUR TUTORIAL

“What’re you gonna do…?”

“It’s fun for me…!”

“This does exist on the Internet, and it looks amazing.”

“I’m a professional.”

“I can see up your shorts.”

“I’m just gonna get started here.”

“I’m getting mindfucked already.”

“My cheeks don’t look broken, my nose looks broken.”

“You’re already looking mad fucked.”

“Well, finally, the outside matches the inside. Broken, beaten down, sad, tired, mad fucked.”

“Don’t judge me, okay?”

“I look like Voldemort.”

“Please ignore all of his Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie jokes from a decade ago.”

“I look like an amphibian that belongs in a river.”

“Oh, no, Jenna…”

“I thought you’d be a little more open-minded.”

“Don’t look at me directly, no, don’t…!”

“It’s looking like day 3 or 4 after a bad sunburn.”

“You calling me dirty?”

“Who you calling dirty, daddy?”

“I look like my father.”

“I think it looks good.”

“We went off-roading for dick, and we found it.”

“I thought this was gonna be a little more dramatic than it is.”

HOW MANY BALLOONS WILL IT TAKE TO MAKE MY DOG FLY

“I mean, I’m curious, aren’t you?”

“I love my dogs more than I love people.”

“I wanna see how many balloons it will take to lift Marbles off the ground.”

“You gon’ fly, boy.”

“Let’s start with 10 and see if we can fit them in the car.”

“We have a lot of balloons already, I don’t know how many more we need.”

“His feelings are very hurt by that.”

“It takes 72 balloons to get this off the ground.”

“Welcome to our new living room, it consists only of happy birthday balloons.”

“Are you ready to take flight?”

“The people at Party City hate us.”

“He doesn’t even care.”

“He doesn’t know where he is no matter what.”

“We really thought this was only gonna take 15 balloons.”

“It took us six car fulls of balloons.”

“Is he asleep in space?”

“He does not give a fuck.”

“I did not think he was gonna be this chill.”

“He’s asleep. He’s fucking asleep.”

“Alright, well, this is our dog, now.”

“There’s not much else to do.”

“This is too many balloons.”

“I was happy, bitch.”

“I’m too old for this shit.”

“You’ve been dealing with me for 8 years, you’re a very patient guy, you know that?”

“I hope that this brightens your day a little, because it brightened mine.”

“What a fucking mistake this was.”

“I’ll never let go. Just kidding, I’m letting go.”

“Well, this was stupid.”

GOOGLE DEEP DIVE WITH ME

“So I’m having one of those days where I can’t make a good thought if I tried to think it.”

“This is all I do, which is why I’m so fucked up.”

“You just start googling things and watching videos and clicking on things until you just don’t know where you are anymore.”

“See, that’s what the fuck I’m talking about.”

“This is like my pet peeve in life.”

“Oh, this fucks me up.”

“God, I’m so fucking turned on right now.”

“Okay, that’s actually highkey dope.”

“Here it is, my favorite picture of Kylie Jenner.”

“This is so fucked up.”

“The Internet is fucking brutal.”

“Happy Australia Day, y’all are nasty.”

“If breastmilk is vegan, why hasn’t someone opened a booby cheese café?”

“Whole Foods ain’t that weird.”

“What’s the word for this? No.”

“Stop putting your boobs in my mouth.”

“Where is he going!?”

“This is like, highkey beautiful.”

“That is lazy as shit.”

“Why don’t you smoke a blunt while you’re at it?”

“It’s only $649, to be the laziest fuck you’ll ever meet.”

“She got all the way to the park to do that…?”

“This is the single dumbest thing that costs 600 dollars.”

“Exercise is free, don’t you ever forget it!”

“She’s dead inside.”

“Hello, 911, there’s a lady walking around, she’s terrifying…!”

“Wait, what the fuck is a zorilla!?”

“It’s like a gorilla, but it’s a fucking skunk.”

“Is this everything you hoped for?”

“I’ve never been happier.”

“Look at how many Air Buds there are!”

“So how many dogs are Air Bud?”

“Damn, I forgot how good Air Bud was.”

“That is the same person…!”

“I’m actually crying.”

“There’s literally no way that’s all Julia Roberts.”

“My head hurts. I have a headache now.”

DOING MY MOM’S MAKEUP

“Have you ever gotten your makeup done before?”

“I’m beginning to wonder why I said yes.”

“Step one of getting ready is just don’t have bangs.”

“That brush is sharp.”

“He actually wanted to die.”

“What, are you tired already?”

“I don’t have any blush, so I’ll just rub this dirty brush on your face.”

“You look like J-Lo reborn.”

“Have you ever been so illuminated in your life?”

“You look like a new woman already.”

“I just got insulted in my own salon.”

“If you didn’t want shit on your face, you shouldn’t have agreed to this.”

“You’re looking like a million bucks already.”

“Do you trust me? You shouldn’t.”

“Isn’t this the worst?”

“Drink away your fear of looking beautiful.”

“It sounds nothing like The Police!”

“I know you can’t see, and you think I’m massacring your face right now, but you look cute as fuck.”

“Farther away is better.”

“If you’re scared of eyeliner, drag makeup isn’t for you.”

“We’re off to Walgreens.”

I SUCK AT VIDEO GAMES 4

“Julien is here, mostly to laugh at me.”

“Who would’ve thought that you actually had to do something?”

“I did it. It only took me three minutes but I did it.”

“I’ve never laughed at a pun out of anything other than a courtesy.”

“Stop making everything about aliens.”

“Here I come to fuck yo bitch.”

“You know it’s my dream to make a Twitter account talking nothing but trash to NASA 24/7.”

“There is no 5-second rule. If you drop something, you just fucking eat it at your own free will.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“I think you can eat food off of the ground.”

“Goodbye everybody. Goodbye everybody. Goodbye everybody!”

“I like to fuck all day, forever.”

“Guys, I don’t have a job, I just fuck for a living.”

“Look at these sick moves.”

“Damn, is my family annoying.”

“I would be the most talented male stripper the world has ever seen.”

“Why can’t I shoot my gun underwater?”

QUADRUPLE DOG SWEATER

“He thinks that Cher, Shakira, and Celine Dion all have the same voice.”

“He thinks that Anne Hathaway, Julia Roberts, and Sandra Bullock are the same person.”

“It’s trash and garbage and why would I ever see it?”

“It’s a trash movie and he thinks it’s a cinematic masterpiece.”

“I looked for it on the Internet, and it doesn’t exist.”

“Watch out, kids, because when you turn 30, all you’re gonna wanna do is craft.”

“I wanna do it all the way out, and not in a practical way.”

“I want it to exist.”

“They are so tolerant of my fucking bullshit.”

“This is gonna be a disaster.”

“This is so much harder than I had anticipated.”

“This is a fucking mess, a fuckshow of an idea.”

“Goddamnit, this doesn’t work at all!”

“That’s a different email than you gave earlier, and a song.”

“I did it, I’m so proud of myself!”

“Oh my god, you are so mean.”

“If this doesn’t get me in the Guinness Book of World Records, nothing will.”

“Don’t do this, this is a bad idea, but I’m glad I did.”

SEE YOU IN 2017

“I hope you guys are having a great holiday.”

“I want to say thank you so much.”

“We had a really, really wonderful time.”

“Me in all of my beautiful, everyday glory.”

“We got a leak in the ceiling, very dangerous, very fun.”

“I organized my spice cabinet.”

“I went to the grocery store and held hands with my boyfriend, it was great.”

“This dumpster fire of a year is almost over.”

EXTRAS 2016

“I’m gonna pee my pants.”

“Never say that again.”

“I just want everyone to know this video has been the highlight of my life.”

“I can’t feel my eyes.”

“It burns.”

“Nothing like being fully clothed in your bathtub.”

“She looks like she just did a bunch of steroids.”

“I can see your hands in my periphery.”

“It’s like, never not funny.”

BODY MASSAGE

“I want a body massage.”

“Who wants a body massage?”

“Everybody likes a body massage.”

“It doesn’t have to be a sexual massage.”

“I mean, you guys were asking for it.”

“I make shit like this every week.”

CHRISTMAS GLITTER BEARD DIY

“I don’t ever wanna have a goatee.”

“Why are we doing the goatee?”

“We’re having fun, it’s Christmas.”

“If you’re gonna have that kinda attitude here, then get out.”

“Wow, I hate it.”

“I can’t do your makeup when you’re staring into the abyss.”

“You’re putting that on my face?”

“Oh, god, there’s glue on my face.”

“I’m divorcing you.”

“We’re not married…!”

“Maybe we should cross that shitty, stupid bridge when it comes.”

“Where I am on the moisture spectrum is my business and my business alone.”

“Don’t choke me, don’t choke me.”

“Choke me, choke me…!”

“For real though, is this gonna come off?”

“It looks like, all of a sudden, you just started feeling yourself.”

“Who describes their own penis as chunky?”

“Let us write your Grindr profile.”

“No, please no.”

“I look like I just got beat up.”

“You actually just made me Halloween Santa.”

“You look fucking terrifying.”

“This is not what I wanted at all.”

“I made a terrible mistake.”

“You look so festive…!”

“Don’t, you’re gonna make a mess…!”

“Do you know who I am?”

“I look like I just finished killing someone.”

“Meet me outside and kill me please.”

[chaos-and-recover]

ALL OF THE ASKS 🖤

EVERY TIME.

Alright let’s do this.

1: Favorite band?

AFI and/or July Talk

2: Favorite song?

Of all time? I think I realized recently that it is in fact Falling Slowly. The fact that I have like 7 different versions in my music library was a solid clue that I fucking love it.

3: What’s a band/artist you loved as a child but can barely listen to now?

My brother and I loved Kris Kross when we were little. That’s some cheeseball rap right there. Also when I was 12 I was super into Prodigy. But then, Firestarter is still a good fucking song.

4: Did you ever see a band/artist live?

Yes? A lot? Many times?

5: Are you going to any gigs soon?

I was supposed to go to Chicago next weekend to see my boys the Plain White T’s but they cancelled the show and I’m bummed.

I’m seeing Jimmy Eat World on December 5th and I’m stoked about it.

I’m also seeing July Talk three nights in a row on the 20th, 21st and 22nd because I have no self control and I love them.

6: Ever been to a festival?

Yes, several. I used to love them and now I’m too old for that shit and there’s too many of them and the bands are spread too thin and no one festival has enough bands I like to justify it lol.

8: A song with a number in the title?

Green Day - 21 Guns

9: A song that gets you through shit?

AFI - Narrative of Soul Against Soul

10: A good song for long bus rides?

Anberlin - Autobahn

11: A song you’d have sex to?

Take That - Pretty Things (I mean it’s kinda weird but uh I’m into it)

12: A song to shut everything out?

36 Crazyfists - Slit Wrist Theory (like 90% sure this song almost got me sent to therapy given how many times my 17 year old self blasted it)

13: A song for when you’re lonely?

The entire “Cities” album by Anberlin is my security blanket. I’ll saw The Unwinding Cable Car though.

14: A song that’s become a joke between you and your friends?

Jack’s Mannequin - Dark Blue ( @sinceubeenjon knows why)

15: A song to jam out to at 4AM?

The Used - The Taste Of Ink. Because it literally references 4:00 in the morning lol

16: An album you could listen to for days on end?

I’m pretty sure I did listen to Decemberunderground by AFI for days on end in 2006. And like… constantly ever since.

17: A song that punches you in the gut every single time?

Anberlin - Atonement. Fuuuuuuuck me :) 

18: A song for when you’re crazy angry?

I wanna saw Slit Wrist Theory again but I’m also trying not to repeat songs so uhhhh The Used - Box Full Of Sharp Objects. I have a lot of angst apparently.

19: If you had to pick one song to represent what you’re feeling right now, what would it be?

It’s not actually Christmas but it is a holiday in the US and I have a cold so “It’s Christmas And I’m Sick” by MxPx. Honestly, I have nothing else. I have no feelings right now lol.

20: A song that calms you down?

The Used - Bllue & Yellow

21: A song that makes you feel alive?

Anberlin - Dismantle.Repair

22: A band with an insane fandom?

Are Twenty One Pilots fans still bonkers? That’s one. Or a certain segment of 1D fandom. You know the one (the Larries. Jesus christ people.)

23: What are some lyrics you love to pieces?

There are so many. Here are some of my favourites:

“It’s not about the money we makeIt’s about the passions that we ache forWhat makes your heart beat fasterTell me now what does your body long after?”-Time & Confusion by Anberlin

“And as the days go onThe love, the lust, the buzz that wasReduced to dust, could be becauseIt never was something moreThan just a void filling feeling”-FL,GA by The Rocket Summer

“I saw you every time I closed my eyesIn the Hughes film I had scored, produced and starred in in my mindI could recite you, well I’d written every lineBut you strayed far from the flawless script on which I’d spent a lifetime”-Veronica Sawyer Smokes by AFI

“I tried, but it rang and rang, I called all nightFrom a payphone, remember those? From another lifeIf everything I meant to youYou can’t lick and seal then fold in twoThen I’ve been so blind.”-Dizzy by Jimmy Eat World

“Let it out, let me in, take a hold of my handThere’s nothing like another soul that’s been cut up the sameAnd did you wanna drive without a word in between?I can understand, you need a minute to breatheAnd to sew up the seams after all this defeat.”-Handwritten by The Gaslight Anthem

I’m gonna stop there.

24: Would you ever get any song lyrics tattooed? If so which ones?

I have some! I have “Just point to the light that casts out the dark” from White Fireworks by The Rocket Summer in Bryce Avary’s handwriting and I’m pretty damn pleased with it. I’d probably get more. He also wrote “Be reckless, be bright” for me from The Rescuing Type that I wanna get done. 

25: What’s a band/artist you’d addict your children to from an early age?

Kids? Gross. I’m gonna try to get my niece into some good shit. When is an appropriate age to get her into AFI?

26: A vocalist you love?

I’m perfectly neutral and rational about Davey Havok, tbh, I’ve never been extra about him a day in my life.

I also love me some Adam Lambert and have very strong opinions about him fronting Queen (they are all variations of “he’s great at it fight me.)

27: Has a band/artist ever inspired you to do something?

Yes, usually dumb shit, like travel across a country/continent/ocean to see them.

28: A band/artist you love but no longer exists?

MOTHERFUCKING ANBERLIN.

29: What was your favorite band/artist when you were 12?

The Backstreet Boys, lol.

30: A band/artist you can’t stand?

Twenty One goddamn Pilots. Also ask me how I feel about Metric some time. (I FUCKIN HATE METRIC.)

31: What’s your favorite genre?

I honestly don’t have one. The music I like is all over the goddamn map.

32: Can you play any instruments?

I played percussion for 6 years in school and was self-taught on bass, though I haven’t pulled mine out in literal years. (One day I’m gonna get it out again and learn Pink Eyes by AFI. It’s gonna happen.)

33: Do you sing?

Hahahahahahhahahaa not so anyone can hear me.

34: If you could be a member of any band for one show, who would it be?

I would Jordan Pundik from New Found Glory because I still maintain that he only has to sing like half of every song and the crowd does the rest.

35: Do you have a favorite piece of merch?

My current favourite merch item in the world is my 36 Crazyfists hoodie. It’s so soft, so warm, so comfy. My Anberlin carabiner has served me very well over the years too.

36: What’s the first album you ever bought with your own money?

I always tell people it was the first BSB album but it was actually a Raptors promo CD released ahead of their first season in the NBA. BSB just sounds more like it’s a real thing that existed.

37: Do you prefer buying physical copies of albums or do you download them on the internet?

Physical. Digital versions just… I don’t connect with them as well? I don’t know, I don’t feel like I really own them if I can’t touch ‘em.

38: CDs or vinyls?

Vinyl. Also, not to be a pedant, but the plural of vinyl is vinyl.

39: Do you play your music out loud or with headphones?

Headphones. Used to be out loud all the time back in the days of desktop computers when I’d be alone in a room on the computer and could do that without annoying everyone lol.

40: A band/artist a friend showed you?

I guess I can blame Raven for how much I love Eric Church, does that count?

41: A song that gives you the chills?

Anberlin - The Unwinding Cable Car, but like, a very specific recording of it. This one, in fact, starting at 3:08 when Stephen is singing the bridge and the crowd comes in with “this is the correlation between salvation and love” part completely unprompted and it builds up until he’s holding “heart” and we’re holding “dark” and it’s fucking magical and you know what’s not captured on the audio recording? The look on Christian’s goddamn face when that happened. That was a hell of a show.

42: A song to play at your funeral?

I mean, you could go ahead and play that version of Cable Car linked in the last answer because it’s probably what killed me anyway, but if you wanna be more cliche just bust out Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World.

43: A band/artist with amazing an instrumental but really bad lyrics?

I listened to BedLIGHT for BlueEYES for the first time in a few years the other day so um. Them. The lyrics have not held up super well but my GOD they’re catchy. (Although “But I guess I shouldn’t hat you you, in fact I oughtta thank you for helping me write this song / If this album tops the Billboard I think I’ll save the quarter to call you and let you know” from Too Late still fucking kills though.)

44: A love song?

Any love song? 200,000 by my sweet baby boy The Rocket Summer, it’s the cutest fucking song in the world.

45: A song you love to sing to yourself?

I don’t sing to myself, that’s embarrassing (it’s probably like, Raise Your Glass by Pink or something, though)

46: What do you listen to when you go for a run?

When I did run more often it was to movie soundtracks. 127 Hours had some really good running tunes. Also there’s a song on the Inception soundtrack that was perfect for a good sprint.

47: A song that represents a deserted city at night?

The Taste of Ink by The Used kinda gives me that feeling, I guess.

48: A wild song?

Wild? How about Wild by AFI, is that good enough lol.

49: An upbeat song with grim lyrics?

Motion City Soundtrack - Everything Is Alright.

50: What are some song titles you love?

Okay so I can’t really think of any but it took me until entirely too recently to realize that “Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off” and “But It’s Better If You Do” by Panic! At The Disco fucking… they go together. They’re supposed to be read together. Years that took me. That album was my second most-played in iTunes and I didn’t… figure that out. I’m dumb as hell.

51: If your life ended today, what song would you chose to represent it?

One song, to represent my entire life? Hell if I know. Probably like, Tonight by NKOTB though, let’s be honest.

52: Can you give me a 5 song playlist on ___?

ON WHAT I NEED A TOPIC.

53: Do you listen to instrumental music?

Sometimes, sure.

54: Weirdest band/artist you know of?

Foxy Shazam were weird as hell. We put their album on at work years ago because the sticker… I can’t remember what the sticker compared them to now but it was a mix of bands that made us say “that can’t POSSIBLY be right” and then it was? (one of them was Queen, I remember that). They were fucking weirdos and I miss them TERRIBLY.

55: A song about drugs? 

You know who I haven’t mentioned in this yet? Lucky Boys Confusion. They have a lot of songs about drugs. 40/80 comes to mind. What a jam. What a band.

56: A heart-wrenching song?

This might seem like an odd choice but 11.24.11 by 36 Crazyfists. It goes hard as hell but then “don’t plan to live forever but I wanted her to,” and it’s about his mother, it just fucking wrecks me.

57: A band/artist you’re proud of?

July Talk. They deserve to be bigger but they’re doing so well and I’m so proud of them and if they were any bigger I would absolutely be insufferable about it.

58: A band/artist who’s music could bring you back from the dead?

If I had been dead for like five years but you told me Lucky Boys Confusion were going on tour I would be up and at every single show in a snap, I want to see them again SO BADLY.

59: A band/artist with a sick aesthetic?

Listen, I fucking love July Talk’s black/white, light/dark, sweet/rough contrasting aesthetic. It is everything. It is so well-executed. Talk to me about the first album and how well they played into it. I love them. I love everything they choose to be. I FUCKING LOVE JULY TALK.

60: A song that has a lot of meaning to you?

Plain White T’s - Radios In Heaven is a bit of a thing for me.

[perpetually-jungshook]

Goldilocks || 09

Rated T (language, violence, and suggestive content)

Warnings: abuse

Summary: After getting evicted, your two best friends Jimin and Taehyung offer you a place to stay until you get back on your feet. Needless to say, with a part time job and a mountain of student debt, that’s not happening any time soon. Eventually, they DO become really fond of having you around, helping with chores and even splitting rent. So when you come home one day to find someone has been sleeping in your couch-bed, well… it’s something you won’t take lightly.

Word Count: 4k

Out of context Goldilocks quote: “No offense, but what a bitch.”

Links to: Goldilocks Masterlist || Previous || Next Part

not my gif, credit to owner

✩✩✩♔✩✩✩

Part 9:

Taehyung kicks the door open so hard that it swings, hits the wall, swings back, and hits him in the arm.

“I’m hOOOOoooOOOoome,” he sings, throwing down his backpack to scoop up the first unfortunate soul that crosses his path and spin them around happily. This unfortunate person happens to be Jimin.

“Tae-hyung-let-me-go,” each of Jimin’s syllables are emphasized as the younger boy starts bouncing, arms tightening and cutting off Jimin’s air supply.

“No can do, brother,” Taehyung smiles, giving your mutual friend a visibly tight squeeze. “I’m celebrating and I need someone to hug.”

Your eyes narrow as you go through your checklist. Not his birthday. Not Christmas. And you aren’t really obligated to get him anything for other holidays so… you turn off the mental panic alarm.

“What are you celebrating?” you ask.

“I’ve decided to come to terms with our housemate.”

“Jungkook? Or Yoongi?”

“I’m not a housemate,” Yoongi calls from the kitchen. You want to tell him that he might as well realize that everyone that comes to this apartment has a history of staying, but you know arguing with Yoongi is like yelling at a wall.

Taehyung ignores him, “Neither! I’m talking about Poco.”

“Poco?” Jimin and you ask simultaneously.

“The spider. In the bathroom! I’ve decided to give it a name because naming something makes it less scary,” Taehyung replies, finally letting go of Jimin, who takes a few subtle steps back, breathing a sigh of relief.

“What if it already has a name?” you tease.

“Too bad~ I’m naming it Poco because I don’t speak spider-”

A thud and the sound of falling half empty shampoo, body wash, and conditioner bottles bounces down the hall, then a muffled, “Stupid fucking spider.”

All three of you freeze, attention pinned on the bathroom door as it opens, revealing Jungkook with dripping hair and a towel wrapped hastily around his waist. He looks pissed.

You cup your hands over your mouth, calling after him, “Yah, Jungkook. Afraid of our little arachnid buddy?”

“No, noona,” he pauses before going into Jimin’s room, tone cold and challenging. “It startled me and I killed it.”

The change in the room’s atmosphere is immediate and noticeable. A strange type of quiet settles over your ears like a blanket, which is weird simply because Taehyung is less than two meters away. You turn to look at him and your heart breaks. Eyes wide, lips parted, you’ve never seen a better portrayal of the expression “my puppy was just shot” than in that moment.

He races down the hall, pushing past Jungkook and skidding with a sharp turn into the bathroom. It only takes a whimper for you and Jimin to sprint after him. You find Taehyung on his knees, staring at the shower tile- no, a small speck on the shower tile. Poco.

Walking closer, you put a hand on Taehyung’s shoulder and kneel down. Yup. That is definitely a squashed jumping spider.

Taehyung’s lower lip wobbles, “Rest in peace, Poco…”

“It’s okay, babe,” you say, rubbing circles into his back. “Poco lived a long, happy life.”

“No he didn’t. The internet says he was supposed to live for a year. We’ve only seen him for a like a month. He was still a baby.”

You continue rubbing his back as Taehyung sobs. You’re not sure who to feel more sorry for- Poco, your crying friend, or yourself and Jimin. Because you have no doubt that spider will have a fully fledged funeral today and you’ll have to sit through every minute of it.

Two hours later, Taehyung scoops a handful of dirt over the matchbox, which still would’ve seemed like a mansion sized house to poor tiny Poco. Your friend stands, wiping away tears with the back of his wrist. His voice is hoarse, “You will be remembered forever, little buddy.”

You glance over your shoulder at Yoongi, who had somehow been convinced to come to the service… in the planter next to the front door. Still, you never would’ve thought he’d come and all it had taken was a quiet “do you want to join us?” from Jimin.

So you, Taehyung, Yoongi, Jimin, and (surprisingly) Jungkook all gathered outside half an hour ago under an appropriately gloomy sky to celebrate the life of a tiny spider who lived in the bathroom. It was not the ideal way to spend a Thursday afternoon, but you would do anything to be a supportive friend. Also, on a completely unrelated note, Taehyung loves consolation sex. To other people, it might seem a bit disrespectful, but it’s one of Tae’s coping mechanisms and, as one of his best friends, aren’t you kind of obligated to make sure he’s okay?

“Nope, on your back. I’m not gonna be the one responsible for destroying your cervix or something,” Tae pauses mid action of taking off his black slacks to gesture vaguely at you.

“Does it even reach that far?” you tease, unzipping the back of your funeral appropriate black dress with a few ungraceful tugs.

Tae gasps dramatically, “Baby, are you calling my dick small?”

You shrug, “Well babe, it’s the only dick I’ve ever seen outside of a porn video. So… I don’t have much to compare it to.”

Taehyung arches an eyebrow, a lopsided, suggestive smile sliding onto his lips as he pushes down his pants and boxer briefs, grabbing himself by the base, “C’mon lil guy, let’s go show her how big you actually are.”

“Taehyung, are you talking to your penis?”

“Yes, now on your back. Dem tiddies ain’t gonna suck themselves.”

“Classy.”

“The classiest~”

“But really, isn’t missionary getting a little boring?” you ask, laughing, lying back to kick off your dress, leaving you in your bra and undies.

Taehyung rolls his eyes, “This is like, the fourth time you’ve ever had sex, and you want to change it up already? Aish. I feel bad for your future boyfriend- or girlfriend.”

“What the fuck? Don’t talk about other people while you’re crawling over me naked.”

“Why?” his tone is teasing, “You afraid I’m gonna start talking about Jungkook?”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me just fine. Jungkook,” Taehyung says the name like a child scandalously whispering a curse word. He giggles, “You two eye fuck each other all the time. And the best part is, you think no one notices.”

An angry heat flushes across your face, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Taehyung’s tongue pokes out for a second, wetting his lips as his index finger hooks in your panties. He pulls them down and flicks them off your ankles as he replies, sounding amused, “So you’re telling me that you have never, absolutely ever thought about him sticking his dick in you?”

“Nope.” Lie.

“Liar~”

You smack Taehyung’s upper arm, something that sounds like it hurts more than it actually does. He just laughs. He’s right though. The moment you saw Jungkook at that party, all you wanted to do was let that golden haired demon climb on top of you and pound you into the damn mattress. But then he’d walked in with lipstick smeared all over his stupidly perfect lips. He hadn’t thought twice about immediately forgetting you. (Huh. That’s a little redundant) In retaliation you slapped Jungkook, walked away, and made out with Taehyung in a corner.

But then he has the gall to show up at the apartment and fuck your best friend? And (in retaliation?) you lose your virginity to Taehyung.

You have a moment of clarity. You hate Jungkook not because of the way he makes you feel, but because of his blatant disregard for it. He challenges you, teases you, “eye fucks you” and yet he chooses to spend his time with some “random girl” and Jimin? How much of a dickhead can someone be-?

“Ah, do… you need me to leave?” Taehyung’s deep voice interrupts your train of thought.

“No. Why?”

“Your expression reads as either ‘I need to take a shit’ or ‘I’m thinking really hard’ and neither of those things really match well with sex- oh, unless you have a shit kink. Which I definitely do not. No sarcasm,” he shudders as if remembering something terrible. “Just… do you want me to go jerk off in the shower? Cuz I can do that if you need time to think.”

You want to say, “At least the spider isn’t there to scare you anymore,” but then you remember that you just had a half an hour funeral for it and Taehyung will probably start crying again. Oh well. Internal humor for the win.

“No, just hurry up I’m horny.”

Taehyung lets out a noise that’s half a sigh of relief, half laugh, “Good. Cuz I am too.”

“But you always are.”

“Truth.”

Day three of having Yoongi at the house and things couldn’t be any weirder. Well, they probably could be, but you stand firm in your opinion that things are pretty weird. You come home from school to find Jimin and Yoongi sitting in the living room, talking quietly, both of them appearing fairly relaxed and amused.

You greet them quickly, not wanting to interrupt their conversation, but Jimin stops you from walking down the hall with the simple words of warning, “Jungkook is home.”

“Thanks Chim,” you say with a tight smile before excusing yourself to go to Taehyung’s room.

It’s been made known that the walls are thin- thus it’s not difficult to accidentally listen in on their conversation. Granted, you may or may not have pressed your ear against the wall anyway, but that’s beside the point.

Jimin’s voice is understandably muffled, though you can clearly tell it’s soft, hesitant, “So what were you saying?”

“Oh, I…ah… I don’t remember. Must not have been important.”

“No, no. Mm, the restaurant? With the tea.”

“Yes, right,” Yoongi laughs lightly, sounding nervous. “So she walks out, leaving me with this bill that’s half a day’s paycheck.”

“No offense, but what a bitch.”

“You’re telling me.”

Pause.

After years of knowing him, you can discern the little nuances in his tones and you can tell Jimin’s next words are careful, “Why did you stay with her for that long then? If you clearly didn’t like her.”

“I don’t know,” Yoongi sounds equal parts irritated and distressed, but also genuine and hurt. “I guess it was just nice having someone, yknow? Even if that someone isn’t… the right one. I think I wanted to love her.”

You had never heard anything like this from Yoongi. Ever. The Min Yoongi you know only has three default emotions: annoyed, mad, and bored. His sense of humor usually rises out of one of these three. But this? You want to be upset that he’s telling Jimin, someone he’s known for less than seventy two hours while you’ve known Yoongi for years, but you’re not actually upset. You’re happy he’s found someone he can trust with that uncharacteristically emotional information.

“Well, you seem like a nice guy,” Jimin laughs lightly. “I’m sure you’ll find the ‘right one’ very soon. I mean, you could meet her tomorrow.”

Yoongi chuckles, tone cynical, but also laced with soft undertones you’ve never heard from him before,  “Or they could walk in making out with another dude.”

And then you hear the door open. Jimin’s bedroom door.

There's only one person it could be. Because you had essentially kicked him off the couch to make room for Yoongi, Jungkook had been staying in Jimin's room. Thus the logical conclusion is that the golden haired demon is walking down the hall, as you failed to hear him go into the bathroom.

It doesn't happen often, but your maternal instinct kicks in. Yoongi is finally opening up to someone, even if it isn't you, and you're not about to let Jingleshit ruin it.

With four steps, trampling over lord knows what underneath the layer of clothes carpeting the floor, you're flinging open Taehyung's door and yanking Jungkook inside by his wrist.

"What the hell?" He pulls away from you like you'd just spit on him.

"They're having a conversation I didn't want you interrupting," you explain bluntly.

"Cute," Jungkook rolls his eyes, "but I need a ride to my house again and because you aren't going to give it to me, I have to ask hyung-"

"Does it have to be now?"

"Yes."

You sigh, deciding to take one for the team, "Alright let's go."

Jungkook's original reply seems to catch in his throat as he stares at you, expression caught half way between confusion and a glare, "You. You're taking me?"

"Are you waiting for me to change my mind?" you scoff, pulling on one of Taehyung's sweaters and some socks.

Jungkook clears his throat, eyebrows knitting, gaze dropping, and blindsiding you with a quiet, “Thanks noona."

While subtle, there's a sincerity in his reply that makes your hate for him subside momentarily. It makes you remember that he's young, he's alone, and he's human.

“You’re welcome,” the words come out of your mouth with the same strange softness, considering the bane of your existence is in the room.

As quietly as possible, you and Jungkook make your way outside, letting Jimin and Yoongi continue talking uninterrupted. Man, the things you do for your friends.

For some reason, this car ride is a lot less tense than the first one. Jungkook gives you instructions, but bitterness and resentment is absent from his tone. You don’t make any provoking retorts.

You hate Jeon Jungkook.

There is no doubt about it. You hate him and you lust after him like nobody’s business (especially not yours). But he’s also not one hundred percent monster one hundred percent of the time and when he decides to grace you with this quiet, solemn persona, it’s (almost) easy to forget how terrible he is to you on other occasions and instead you almost… kind of… want to help him.

You pull to a stop in the parking lot beside the apartment complex, not noticing anything particularly out of the ordinary; yet Jungkook immediately goes rigid.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Instead of repeating the argument from last time, you merely follow his gaze to the car a few spaces away. Nope, no ringing bells or lighted bulbs.

Jungkook’s voice gets cold, distant, “Never mind. Let’s just go.”

“I did not drive fifteen minutes for you to tell me to turn around.”

“My dad’s home early, okay? I’m not going in there.”

“Why not?” you ask, starting to get frustrated, something that is clear in your tone.

Jungkook shifts in the passenger seat, pushing his golden hair back, “He kicked me out, remember?”

“I think he’ll understand if you just go inside and-”

“He won’t.”

For a few seconds, you consider taking his rude, lying ass back to the apartment, but something in his eyes stops you. Fear. It’s not even fear of disappointment or confrontation, but fear for his life.

Your next words surprise both of you, “What did you come here to get?”

“A textbook. Why?”

Your brain fights itself, but your reply doesn’t miss a beat, “I’m going to get it for you.”

He looks at you like you’d just slapped him instead of offering to do him a favor. It instantly makes you reconsider, but you’ve already verbally committed to it and who are you kidding? You kind of want to do this. Why? You’re not sure. Maybe you think it’ll make you better than him. Maybe you think it’ll settle the score for your “irrational” hatred and initial mistreatment of him. Or maybe you just want to help out a poor kid who’s afraid of going into his own house.

“Just tell me what it’s called,” you insist, turning off the engine and opening the car door.

Jungkook seems conflicted as well. He probably doesn’t want your help as a pride thing, simply because the probability he’s worried about your safety is very low. His answer is defensive and he refuses to look you directly in the eyes, “It’s a biology book. It’ll be on my desk on top of a stack. Don’t knock, the door will be open-”

You get out of the car, but Jungkook follows you, walking a step or two behind as he continues, “My room is the one at the end of the hall on the right. Don’t talk to anyone inside. Just… in and out as fast as possible.”

Once you get to the front of the apartment building, facing a locked door with a keypad, you turn to look at Jungkook expectantly.

He punches in four digits that you don’t care to memorize and opens the door.

“Third floor, 3C.”

Oh, he can’t even come to the apartment door with you? What a gentleman. You trudge up the two flights of stairs, relying heavily on the railing, the stairwell eerily quiet even as your footsteps echo off the concrete flooring. You find 3C easily.

You’re not sure whether you should be anxious about going inside, but what grudge could Jungkook’s father possibly hold against you? It’s not like you’d fucked some random dude on his bed. What if Jungkook is over exaggerating? That’s a possibility too. But you honestly trust his judgement enough to pull a “rather be safe than sorry” and avoid everyone in the house if possible. Because it’s not like you’d be chatting with Mr. Jeon if everyone was buddy-buddy either.

The door, as Jungkook promised, is unlocked. You walk right inside, repeating “down the hall to the right” internally. One step at a time. The distant sound of a television floats throughout the apartment, which smells like cabbage and vaguely of fish. Shoes, stacks of mail, and other garbage line the walls with no pictures, leaving a clear path on the dirty carpet just wide enough for you to walk unobstructed.

Down the hall, to the right.

You find the door and push it open. That scent. It’s different from the rest of the house and you recognize it immediately. Jungkook. His room obviously, logically would smell like him.

Next instructions: desk, stack of books, biology.

Jungkook’s room reminds you vaguely of Taehyung’s. There are a few pieces of clothing on the floor, posters on the wall, and the bed is unmade, but compared to the rest of the apartment, it’s surprisingly clean. You find the book easily, the big thing that could probably kill a man if dropped on his head, and you tuck it under your arm, intending on following the last instruction of “getting out as fast as possible.”

But then you hear a male voice. It comes from down the hall, but is loud enough to seem like it’s in the same room, “Who the hell is in my house?”

Oh. Had you closed the front door?

The golden haired demon’s words echo in your mind, “Don’t talk to anyone inside.”

Should you stay in his room? Wait it out? Or would the man who is presumably Mr. Jeon come looking? He sounds furious and you really don’t want to wait to find out what he’ll do. So you scramble quietly back into the short hallway, widened eyes searching for the exit… where Mr. Jeon is waiting for you. And then you recognize him. He’s the guy that got out of the car the last time you were here, the one that Jungkook freaked out about.

“Who the fuck are you?” he grimaces, looking you up and down.

Don’t engage.

“No one in particular. Just stopping by to pick up something for a friend.”

Jungkook isn’t your friend, but you don’t really know what else to say. You try to step around the man, but he matches your movement.

“You’re friends with that boy?” the malice in his tone cuts you for some reason. You can smell alcohol on his breath.

“No, not really,” you decide to tell the truth, managing to shoulder your way past and walk quickly out the door. For a moment, you think you’re free, but then you hear his footsteps as Mr. Jeon begins to follow you.

You almost trip over your own feet as you begin racing down the steps, frantically beating heart leaping into your throat. Logic says he probably won’t hurt you. He has no reason to. You haven’t done anything.

And then you feel him grab a fist full of your hair.

“You tell that boy he better come back here-”

You scream, a sound that makes your own ears ring. Instinctively, you also throw your arm backward, catching the man with both your elbow and the corner of the book. Pain is evident in the small “hng” sound that leaves his throat and he releases your hair, allowing you to continue sprinting down the stairs.

Panting, you throw yourself against the apartment complex main door and run face first into Jungkook. Pupils dilated as he stares at you like a deer in the headlights, he lets you slam into him. He probably heard you scream. What’s he doing? Why isn’t he running? Will his father even come all the way down here? Yes. The answer to the last question is yes.

Jungkook shoves you away from him, scrambling sideways, but it’s too late. His father’s fingers clamp around his arm, spinning him around just in time to deliver a sickeningly solid punch to Jungkook’s face.

The golden haired boy falls back, landing hard on his ass, hand pressed to his cheek and jaw.

His father looks even more furious, “You tell that fucking bitch she can shove it up her ass. I’m not signing anything.”

Signing? She? So many questions hurdle through your mind, but with the textbook clutched to your chest and Jungkook curling up in the fetal position, your curiosity can wait. Spiting on the sidewalk next to his son, Mr. Jeon backs away, then returns to the apartment complex.

Your knees feel like pudding, making kneeling down next to Jungkook a lot easier to stomach.

He hadn’t come to your rescue. He had run. Jungkook is not your savior. At least, you don’t consider him as such, but he had just taken a beating and you have to admit, no matter how many girls he had or hadn’t fucked on his parents’ bed… what would excuse such a violent reaction from his father?

You’re not dumb enough to ask if he’s okay. Knees tucked against his chest, arms raised as if to protect his head, Jungkook is trembling- no, he’s crying.

Unsure what else to do, you set the textbook on the sidewalk and reach out, hesitantly placing a hand on his shoulder. Much to your surprise, but not unsurprisingly, Jungkook flinches.

“Yah, Kook,” your voice cracks, letting both him and you see right through the bluntness. “You need to get up.”

He doesn’t answer.

You sigh, at a loss for how to comfort him, “Jungkook, it’s just me, c’mon.”

Like that helps. He hates you. But you reach out again and this time he doesn’t move away. You rub circles into his back, only able to hope that this is soothing. He still doesn’t say anything.

“Let’s just get to the car,” you quiet your voice, softening it. “Let noona help you.”

At this, Jungkook oddly relaxes a little, allowing you to laboriously pull him to his feet. He seems unsteady though and you wrap your arms around him. Golden hair brushing against your face, warm tears dripping onto your shoulder and neck, that smell that’s just him surrounding you, Jungkook wraps his arms around your middle and turns what was supposed to be the human equivalent of a crutch into an embrace.

You are hugging Jeon Jungkook.

The thought seems foreign, repulsive even, but you don’t move away. You are hugging Jeon Jungkook and you hate him. But for some reason, this… is okay.

���✩✩♔✩✩✩

EOPQ 20: So what do we think of Jungkook now?

Send me your thoughts/answers here. Or just come say hi ;) Please include the End of Post Question number upon submission, thank you!

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Much love ~🐰 xx

[eljokerbabey]

Do all of them.

fuck you nick fine

200: My crush’s name is: haha she follows me so no199: I was born in: California 198: I am really: hella dope197: My cellphone company is: sprint, what the fuck kinda question196: My eye color is: brown195: My shoe size is: like 9194: My ring size is: I’m not sure193: My height is: 5′8192: I am allergic to: Absolutely Nothing191: My 1st car was: haha i can’t drive190: My 1st job was: Working for my dad I guess189: Last book you read: Interview With The Vampire188: My bed is: A mess187: My pet: 4 cats named Delilah, L.E., Perro, and Mallory186: My best friend: Michael Gregorio Trainstation, i think his name was, its been a while, he moved to idaho like 30 years ago185: My favorite shampoo is: that one from my childhood that looks like a fish184: Xbox or ps3: ecks bawks183: Piggy banks are: a metaphor for greed? I dunno, they’re neat182: In my pockets: nothin at the moment 181: On my calendar: many photos of my friend brenton180: Marriage is: something that requires a lot of thought179: Spongebob can: and will find you178: My mom: is the best177: The last three songs I bought were?176: Last YouTube video watched: probably a podcast175: How many cousins do you have?: at least 12? probably more, I have 9 uncles on my dads side alone, and most of them have kids, so174: Do you have any siblings? older brother, younger sister173: Are your parents divorced? nah 172: Are you taller than your mom? yes171: Do you play an instrument? I play a pretty sub par piano170: What did you do yesterday? kicked the shit out of my friends at party games[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: logically no, but 168: Luck: Yeah pretty much167: Fate: Sort of166: Yourself: ye165: Aliens: yep164: Heaven: I like to163: Hell: nope, well, not exactly162: God: in some form or another161: Horoscopes: nah 160: Soul mates: I like the idea159: Ghosts: Sure158: Gay Marriage: Hell yeah157: War: no bueno, unless its like, against some super actual evil I guess156: Orbs: I don’t know what this means, the shape? yes?155: Magic: sure[ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: both? i can’t decide153: Drunk or High: Drunk152: Phone or Online: Online151: Red heads or Black haired: Redheads150: Blondes or Brunettes: Brunettes149: Hot or cold: Cold148: Summer or winter: Winter147: Autumn or Spring: Autumn146: Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate145: Night or Day: day144: Oranges or Apples: Oranges143: Curly or Straight hair:142: McDonalds or Burger King: McDonalds141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: Milk Chocolate140: Mac or PC: PC139: Flip flops or high heals: I dunno138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: Sweet and Poor, the fuck kinda question137: Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi, but only because cherry pepsi exists136: Hillary or Obama: Obama135: Burried or cremated: I like to ignore my mortality mostly134: Singing or Dancing: as a thing for me to do; Singing, but I like watching other people dance 133: Coach or Chanel: I don’t uh, I don’t care132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who131: Small town or Big city: Small town130: Wal-Mart or Target: kmart, fuck you129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Ben Stiller128: Manicure or Pedicure: fuck if i know127: East Coast or West Coast: west coast126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Christmas125: Chocolate or Flowers: Flowers, sure124: Disney or Six Flags: I’m told that my answer should be disney, but i’ve never been to either123: Yankees or Red Sox: sport sport sport sport[ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: Its bad121: George Bush: would make a pretty fun neighbor120: Gay Marriage: its good119: The presidential election: a trainwreck118: Abortion: none of my business117: MySpace: rip116: Reality TV: i used to be all about it115: Parents: pretty much the coolest114: Back stabbers: not good113: Ebay: an important step towards the existence of amazon112: Facebook: damn millenials 111: Work: another day another dollar, sir110: My Neighbors: santaman is pretty cool109: Gas Prices: haha i don’t drive108: Designer Clothes: hella107: College: expensive106: Sports: sport sport sport sport105: My family: pretty okay, there are lots104: The future: we’ll see what happens[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: yesterday probably102: Last time you ate: yesterday101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: saturday, I saw caylen, hadn’t seen him for a couple weeks100: Cried in front of someone: midway last year I think, I had a weird unexplained pretty bad panic attack out of nowhere99: Went to a movie theater: a few days ago, I saw Your Name, it was good98: Took a vacation:  months ago probably97: Swam in a pool: I don’t remember96: Changed a diaper: Probably never95: Got my nails done: Never?94: Went to a wedding: I think my best friends was the last one I went to, it was august 2016 I guess?93: Broke a bone: Never92: Got a peircing: Never91: Broke the law: Couple weeks ago maybe?90: Texted: last night[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: too difficult everyone I know is hilarious88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my family87: The last movie I saw: Your Name, it was really good86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: leaving town for a bit, in the near future, to my friends in redding for a bit, in the later future, to fort bragg to camp 85: The thing im not looking forward to: potentially running into a specific person who I think hates me now 84: People call me: a pretty funny guy83: The most difficult thing to do is: let go of people82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: no81: My zodiac sign is: taurus80: The first person i talked to today was: Enrique79: First time you had a crush: Like first grade78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: Michael Gorgon Trombone, i think his name was, my best friend, he moved to idaho like a hundred years ago77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: Probably the other day76: Right now I am talking to: nobody75: What are you going to do when you grow up: I guess I want to go to school for psychology74: I have/will get a job: at some point73: Tomorrow: never dies72: Today: gonna hang out with a couple of chuckleheads i guess71: Next Summer: Who knows70: Next Weekend: I’ll have just gotten back into town and will probably go to a friends house to play boardgames69: I have these pets: cats, dogs68: The worst sound in the world: nail filing67: The person that makes me cry the most is: I dunno, I haven’t really cried in a while66: People that make you happy: all my friends and most of my family65: Last time I cried: like last year64: My friends are: interesting and cool63: My computer is: okay62: My School: will not be that bad61: My Car: haha i don’t drive60: I lose all respect for people who: hurt others59: The movie I cried at was: I don’t remember the last time I cried at a movie58: Your hair color is: Black, naturally, but I dyed it a different color for a while, which required bleaching, so its sorta fading into a weird light color now57: TV shows you watch: lots, i’ve been really into my hero academia lately56: Favorite web site: all websites are bad55: Your dream vacation: like a cabin somewhere in the mountains54: The worst pain I was ever in was: probably when my appendix burst53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium rare52: My room is: not utilized properly, its big, but its too messy and cluttered, gotta fix that at some point 51: My favorite celebrity is: i dunno, NPH or something 50: Where would you like to be: somewhere norther with someone I care about49: Do you want children: I’m neutral48: Ever been in love: yeah lots47: Who’s your best friend: michaelangelo Gardengnome Teatime, he moved to idaho an indeterminate amount of time ago46: More guy friends or girl friends: I have more guy friends than girl friends, if thats what this is asking45: One thing that makes you feel great is: when people tell me what my positive traits are, or mention that they thought of me, I guess44: One person that you wish you could see right now: Probably Mike Gatorade Turbulence, I always want to hang with that fool43: Do you have a 5 year plan: not really, more like a general idea42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: loosely41: Have you pre-named your children: I’ve thought of it, but like Idk if I’ll have kids40: Last person I got mad at: myself probably39: I would like to move to: somewhere north, washington or oregon maybe, on a large property thats mostly wilderness that I own, haha38: I wish I was a professional: entertainer, probably[ My Favorites ]37: Candy: recess cups I guess36: Vehicle: I think motorcycles are cool35: President: Teddy Roosevelt I guess34: State visited: I’ve only really visited Idaho so I guess it wins by default33: Cellphone provider: If I say anything other than sprint they’ll make me disappear32: Athlete: Usain Bolt is pretty cool31: Actor: I like Michael Fassbender lately, RDJ is also cool, this is a hard question30: Actress: this is a harder question I’ll just say betty white  29: Singer: probably Damien Verrett of The Speed of Sound in Seawater/So Much Light, or Sean Bonnette of AJJ28: Band: AJJ27: Clothing store: do thrift stores count26: Grocery store: i dunno i guess the one up the street25: TV show: Over The Garden Wall maybe24: Movie: I dunno, uh, I like Kung Fu Hustle a lot23: Website: the internet was a mistake22: Animal: cats, or crows21: Theme park: I don’t uh, I haven’t20: Holiday: Christmas or Halloween 19: Sport to watch: combat juggling18: Sport to play: does catch count17: Magazine: I dunno, national geographic or something16: Book: there’s too many I can’t answer this15: Day of the week: saturday I guess14: Beach: Caspar13: Concert attended: Golden Youth I think, is one that I went to, with my friend? its the only one I really remember, I don’t go to concerts really, I went to an Earth Wind and Fire concert as a little kid too I guess12: Thing to cook: Top Ramen is the height of my abilities11: Food: I dunno, pizza or something, whatever’s hip with the kids, no wait, sushi10: Restaurant: Ikkyu9: Radio station: whatever it is my mom listens to, classic rock?8: Yankee candle scent: I don’t know candle scent names so I’ll just come up with one; “Civilian Casualties”7: Perfume: uh, I don’t know perfume names so I’ll just come up with one “I never heard from her again”6: Flower: Uh, I like most of them5: Color: Blue, also I really like, oranges/reds in nature, like leaves, and hair, and stuff like that4: Talk show host: Eric Andre, but if we mean like actual talk shows, then Conan I guess3: Comedian: Dave Chappelle 2: Dog breed: I like many, maybe german shepards or border collies I dunno1: Did you answer all these truthfully? More or lessfuck you nick this took like 2 hours

[erichofmann]

year 12

17,316 words in 26 videos

Hey you guys. It’s been awhile! It’s been a second. Um, this song, okay. For Now reimagined, I am imagining that a lot of you are a little confused and are like ‘what are you doing, this sounds totally different than anything you’ve ever done.’ Um that is true, um so For Now originally came out last June on my new album In the Waiting. I started feeling like it would be so cool to release some alt versions of some of the songs in another way that really moved me but that’s like totally different and gives some of these songs a second life. I approached my friend Christoph Andersson who is one of my favorite producers in the world, and one of my favorite people, he is so talented, I can’t believe it, um so I know him because he is one half of the band JOME, if you haven’t heard of JOME, J O M E, it’s kind of like the best music happening right now, you should definitely check it out, um but JOME is Jesse, also known as Imaginary Future, and Christoph, and they make insane music and I just started feeling like ‘man I would love to collaborate with Christoph’ because every sound he makes is like pure magic to me and- and his production just speaks to me so much, and so I approached him, and I asked if he would kind of try building new worlds around some of my songs, and so he agreed, and so this is the first one! And I’m gonna do it for a couple more, um I hope that you guys like it. I hope you give it a couple chances, it takes a second to readjust from the way you’ve hear the song in the past, but I promise it just gets more and more fun, um there are so many little sounds hidden away in there. You guys can listen to it wherever you listen to music, Spotify, Apple Music et cetera, um there’s just a squirrel with its mouth completely full of acorns staring at me right now, I’m just gonna let that go. We’re talking about music. Um, so yes, also, I’m sure there will be a comment of someone like’ oh my gosh she’s trying to change, she’s trying to be something else and it was blah blah blah. I’m not changing. I will always make the music that I make. There’s gonna be so much more acou- acoustic music like I always do in the future, but there will also be some of these, because I love them and I’m really excited about it, so I hope you guys can get excited about them too, so that’s- that’s that. So I am newly home from tour, um I spent the summer and fall touring in North America and Europe, um singing the new album everywhere and it was so special and so meaningful, um I got to meet or at least stare into the eyes of so many of you which is the coolest thing ever, and um I’m just very grateful that you guys came out, and- and that I got to do that again, so thank you and um- yeah so now I’m home and I’m really bad at transitions, and so I’m slowly trying to figure out how to do life again and how to be a- a person, um and some days it’s going really well, and some days I just start crying for no reason because I’m not always good at life, um but I’m getting there, and I’m excited. I’ve written a new song, out of nowhere! I’m so excited about that, hopefully I’ll start recording it soon, um what else? Oh last weekend I went to Patrecon, it’s the convention for Patreon, Patreon is a website that allows people to support other people who are making things that they love, um it’s where I host KGRecords, and I kind of have my whole online family living on there with me, and it was so cool just to be surrounded by all these creators making all sorts of different things, it was just really really um reinvigorating and made me extra extra grateful that I live in this time where not only I am able to do what I love because of people out there um but also that I get to have uh like this community, this family on the Internet, um of people who are doing this with me, who are coming along with me and are helping me think it through and are helping me when I get stuck and I’m struggling, and um I just love getting to have you guys around, and I’m so grateful for your support, um in all the many many ways that you support me, so thanks for that, um. KGRecords family, you guys are awesome. If anyone wants to join the family and be part of all this, you can always go to patreon dot com slash kina grannis and join, we would love to have you, it’s super super fun, um I love you guys. Thank you for listening, I’m sorry I’ve been gone for so long, I hope to figure out life soon and bring you more music uh along with that, so I guess that’s it. Thanks for being patient, I hope you’re well, sending lots of love your way, and um- and I’ll see you soon. Okay. Bye.

Hello friends! That was Colorblind by the Counting Crows, um I stumbled upon this song again about a month ago, this song is from some other time. The 90s? The things after the 90s? I don't know. One of those. But I heard it, and it was one of those things where immediately I was like ‘I need to sing this song,’ and so I did, and I love it so much and then I was like very intrigued about the song and I started looking it up, and I found out that the singer of Counting Crows, Adam Duritz, wrote this song about his struggle with depersonalization disorder, um which is a really really intense thing, so a year ago, I learned about the word depersonalization, little different than depersonalization disorder, but throughout my entire life I had these moments where I kind of lapsed into this feeling that felt like I was about to go crazy, and everything felt weird, and I felt like I wasn't connected to my eyes and I felt weird talking and everything felt strange, and I thought I was going crazy, and so I always had this thing in the back in my mind like ‘oh remember that feeling? Maybe I'm gonna go crazy someday.’ And then, a year ago, I had this thought that I was like ‘I wonder if that could be a symptom of anxiety,’ and then I googled it, and it was. And I started crying because this thing that was like this mysterious scary thing that I'd had throughout my life, um it wasn't me going crazy, it was a thing with a name called depersonalization, um and it was like a huge relief, and you're not going crazy when you get it, it's just your brain kinda freaking out, and for me it's when I'm really anxious sometimes, um so that was really weird, and if anyone else has experienced that feeling like maybe you're going crazy and everything feels weird, um google depersonalization and see if that's maybe something you go through, 'cuz it's not fun, but really good to know that it's not the beginning of you losing your mind. Anyways. When I found out this song was about that, and he struggles with depersonalization disorder which is like chronic depersonalization, which sounds so so hard, um it made this song kind of like mean even more to me, um. Anyways. Beautiful, beautiful, powerful song, I hope you guys enjoyed it. You can listen to it all the places where music exists: Spotify iTunes Google Play, you know the rest of them, um what else do I have to say. I have been writing songs- ooh yeah, okay. I've been writing songs and I just started doing something new on KGRecords for my patrons and I've never done this before, it's kind of nerve wracking, but I decided that I'm going to start sharing demos of brand new songs from like right after I write them, so I typically write a song in that second I record a version on my iPhone, and then I usually don't share that song with the world for like many months to many years after that fact, um but- after that point, but I decided I wanted to let kinda my club in on uh the beginning stages of a song, so um if any of you are in KGRecords and haven't heard my new song Enough yet you can go check it out, and if you still- if you wanna hear Enough, Enough is the name of my new song, and you're not a part of KGRecords, if you join at any point, you can go back and hear and see everything I've posted forever, so just know that if you join someday you can still go back and hear the song called Enough that I don't know if it'll ever be released publicly someday, but for the mean time it is there for my patrons as a little thank you for being my family. Um, okay. I think that is it. You guys are all wonderful. Um, I'm sending lots and lots of love to you, um. Say hi in the comments, I love to talk with you guys, and um I hope you have a great day night morning whatever. Okay. I’ll see you guys later. Bye.

Hey everybody! That was Stand By Me with me and him! We'll bring him back in a second but I'm just gonna make him sit alone for a second, um that was Stand By Me, I love that song, it's um so beautiful and then- and then we made it like kind of sad, ‘cuz we like to make things kind of sad 'cuz it feels so good, um but I hope you guys liked it, it's out on you know music places if you wanna listen to it again, um. It's- it's holiday timey, and um- and I'm sending lots and lots of love and warmth to you, and speaking of warmth, um I wasn't gonna do it, but a lot of people kept asking if I was bringing back the hedgehog sweaters this year, and so it's pretty late in the game, but I love you a lot and I don't wanna let you down, so we're bringing- we’re bringing ‘em back. Thank you Jesse, what a great model! Wait stay still so I can show them what it looks like. The hedgehogs, they're back, um the comfiest best guys around town. Um this year it's even more exciting because you can either get a sweater or a shirt, I know, it's crazy, um. So the bad news, there is some bad news, you cannot get it in time for Christmas, um but you can get it in time for winter. There's a bit of time left to order, after that point it's gonna shut down and you can never order them again until the next time I probably bring them back because I love you. Um, but get them now if you want one, and um you wanna talk to Jesse for a second? Let's talk to Jesse for a second. Hi Jesse! That's Jesse everyone, um Imaginary Future, um we like to sing together, we are married. Jesse’s also so uncomfortable right now, he does not like cameras, we are in fact- I'm holding up my arm with my other arm right now because it's very sore, my deltoid is very sore, um we're gonna make a second one of these outros on Jesse's channel that will be even more awkward, so if you're into some discomfort you can go head over to Imaginary Future's channel, and um- and then feel that. It'll be awesome. Um, okay I'm gonna- I'm gonna spare you from- bye Jesse. Happy holidays! I love you guys so much and um thank you as always to my patrons, also to Jesse's patrons. Sorry, sorry I know you weren't prepared for me to show you again, um to the KGRecords family and the Imaginary Family, thank you guys for supporting and keeping us company and being the very very best, um sending so much love, stay warm, I'll see you guys later. Bye. Say bye Jesse.

Is this an insane thing to do? I think it is, um this is way too close. This is way too close to shot an outro, but I don't feel like getting um- I don't feel like getting a tripod, and I don't feel like changing the lens, so here we are. Um, oh my gosh, I love that song so much. Um, somehow- I mean Billie Eilish is gigantic, somehow I didn't know who she was until um Spotify suggested I listen to that song and then I was like ‘what? She is amazing! And uh this song is amazing.’ This is one of those songs that I wish that I’d written, but I didn't, um so the closest thing I can do is pay tribute to it and cover it, um I love it so much, um oh! Happy holidays! Those happened, I hope you're all well, um sending so so so much love to you guys, and um oh there's like a couple days left of the month in which my fifteen percent off sale is happening on my webstore, so if you never got um my new CD In the Waiting or if you want T shirts or signed posters um you can get fifteen percent off everything until the end of December, with the code merryhappy. Um I hope you all are well, thank you to my lovely lovely patron family, you guys are the best, um okay. More from me soon. Sending love. Bye.

Oh it started. Hey you guys! Uh that was really fun. So you probably know these people, these are Nataly and Jack of Pomplamoose. They're some of my favorite humans and they let me do music with them, thank you guys! Go check them out, youtube dot com slash pomplamoose music, also Patreon! And obviously giant thank you to my KGRecords family. You guys are the best, thank you for supporting what we do. Thank you for letting me do that. Um I love you guys. Hug. Hug. Hug. Bye guys!

Hi! Happy Valentine's Day! Um, it is the ten year anniversary of my song Valentine, which is kind of insane, um but as such I wanted to throw back to Valentine and um- and I collected a bunch of peoples' Valentine messages from around the world and I wanted to share them in the video 'cuz that's what I did in the first video ten years ago, um so thank you everyone in KGRecords who sent messages my way, um I loved reading through them, in fact I am probably just going to put all the rest of them at the end of this video so all of you can have your little Valentine's Day shoutouts. Happy valentine’s day to everyone! And hey, it doesn’t have to be about couples, or any of that stuff, it can be about any type of love, it can be love for your puppy, or love for your best friend or love for yourself, um whatever you do I hope you do something nice for yourself today, or maybe something nice for someone you love, um but I love you and I am sending so much love your way, thank you KGRecords for keeping me company and making this music possible, you guys are splendid. Okay. That is it, have a great day. Okay. Bye.

Hello! Oh my god I almost- I'm sitting on the edge of a couch and I nearly fell to my death. Um, hi everyone, thank you for tuning in, that was The Luckiest by Ben Folds it is a song that both Jesse and I have loved for a very very very long time, um so so lovely to get to cover it, um it is now out in all the places you can listen to music if you wanna hear it again, and um yeah! So I had my eye surgery a few weeks ago, um it like looks like a normal eye doesn't it? Aren't you so excited for me? I had an eye patch for awhile there, I was not in a good way, but it's healing really well, and my eye works great, and the stitches are out of my eyeball and I am a happy camper. Um I don't think I have anything else to tell you guys, I'm kind of just in a groove right now, hopefully I'll be doing so more writing soon, um. How are you. Let me know down below if there’s anything notable going on for you. Um, hm. I think that's it. Thank you guys for watching, thank you to all of my patrons at KGRecords for supporting and being part of my little family online, uh you guys are so great. Sending lots and lots of love your way, I hope you're all doing really well, and I will talk to you later. Okay. Bye!

Hello friends! Um that was my song In the Waiting, reimagined by my dear dear friend Christoph Andersson, who you might remember reimagined For Now a few months back, if you haven’t heard it, uh check it out for sure, um but Christoph is one of the best producers in the world and he is one half of the band JOME, if you don't know JOME go listen because it's so good, um but it's meant so much to me to get to give these really important songs of mine like this second life and this second um way that they get to exist in the world so I hope that you like it, and um what's up with me. I wrote a new song recently that was really exciting, I'm getting excited to share new music with you guys though I feel like it might not happen for a long time. Oh I have spent like most of my time this week um on Discord, do you guys know Discord? It's like a chat server and I just started one for KGRecords, and I was not aware of how addicting it would be and so I am- I've been sucked in, and it has been amazing, but it's also hard to do other things, um but anyways, to all of my KGRecords family that has been uh hanging out with me in there thank you guys so much, it's been so fun getting to know you guys more, so thank you thank you thank you, and um yeah. If anyone else wants to join our family and also lose your life to Discord and chatting all the live long day, uh you can do that, check out patreon dot com slash kina grannis, and um there we shall be. I think that's it. I hope you guys are well. There's a crow overhead. Sending lots sand lots of love your way, and I will see you later. Okay. Bye.

Hi everyone! Welcome to my studio! Um, that was Oops! I Did It Again, I did do a video of this years and years ago, it was like in a hotel room in New York maybe? Straight into a laptop, it was pretty bad quality, um and I have had some people asking for a proper recording of this, so this is that. I love love love singing this song, I've played it at so many of my shows on tour throughout the years, so I did wanna do it justice and do it properly. It is out on Spotify and iTunes and all of the places, you can go listen to it again. In other news I have been writing a ton, um, I just feel like I've been learning a lot, just about life and myself. I have an album's worth of new songs and I- I might start recording soon. Thank you thank you thank you KGRecords folks for allowing me to write and uh learn and take time, and- and all that, you guys are so wonderful, and um if anyone is interested in joining our little family at KGRecords you can go to kgrecords dot com and check it out, and that is it. My arm is so tired, I'm gonna go. I haven't really said anything worthwhile, um, I hope you guys are well, thank you for watching, you're awesome. Okay, bye.

Hey everyone! That was a very very very old song of mine, it's called Never Never, um and I wrote this song fifteen years ago. It used to be one of my favorites to play at shows and I probably haven't played it at a show in like ten years or something, um but it's- it's such a special one to me and I love doing these Throwback Sessions because I get to introduce a lot of you to some of my old, old songs. This one was on an album called One More in the Attic, that I recorded in my garage before I understood how to record things, as a result it sounds pretty bad, um so it felt nice to give some love to this song, and bring it back, uh I wrote this song I think the first time Jesse and I broke up for a little bit, and it was really really sad, and I- yeah. And then this song happened. But uh it's nice to sing it now knowing that we end up together, it's very comforting. Um, do I have anything else to say? I- I recently went to Japan, it was incredibly beautiful and inspiring, um and- and now I'm home and I am gearing up to record new music for you guys which is exciting, and um I have something exciting coming next month. I'm not gonna tell you yet but I'll tell you guys soon, um thank you as always to my KGRecords family, thank you guys for supporting and keeping me company and being just the ultimate, you guys are so awesome, so I'm sending lots and lots of love to all of you guys, and I will talk to you soon. Okay, bye.

So I’ve tried shooting this like on four different days. I think I need to let go of it a little bit more. I need to just wear pajamas and just know I’m gonna say dumb things and- and that’s that. So um okay, here we are. Behind the Songs! Where I tell you so many more private things and feel like I’m gonna throw up. It- it’s a lot of things really, um specifically when I was writing this song I’ve always struggled with a kind of depressy thing in my life where it just- it’s there sometimes, and I just wake up and it’s like it’s- it’s hanging over me, and so this song, part of it is was a frustration being like ‘how have I not learned how to deal with these feelings,’ and then also this song is about my struggle with social anxiety which I’ve come so far in the past few years, but for the vast majority of my life I feel like I didn’t really know how to be myself around other humans, like my family, Jesse, few other people, I could sit around them and be myself, and then other than that, like if I go to a party, I was just like ‘I don’t know how to be me anymore, and I don’t know how to have conversations,’ again this is better now but for awhile I really didn’t, and I would leave every social interaction whether it was like a party or a small dinner with friends just crying, and being like ‘I don’t know how to do this, I- it’s’ and Jesse would be like ‘you know just be yourself,’ I’m like ‘I don’t know how to do that!’ It- it kind of just like would disappear and- and then I would just be sitting there stuck in my head like ‘please think of something to say, please think of one thing to say,’ and I couldn’t. Um, I have finally made some progress on that but it’s a really really hard one. I think the answer is we are just always learning, like we’re never just gonna have learned it and have life figured out, it’s like I learned it last year and I learned it a bit more yesterday and then I’m learning it today and I’ll probably learn it tomorrow and in ten years’ time, like hopefully we’re just always learning and always growing which can be frustrating, um but it’s part of being a human, and so I’m trying to embrace that more and be a little less hard on myself when I haven’t figured it all out. It was a huge learning- learning experience for me. I just wanted to do everything on this album by myself so it was the first one- like I’ve always written all my songs by myself but it was the first one that I produced and recorded by myself and had no idea what I was doing, um and then I wanted to direct and edit and color music videos and it felt exciting, and then you get there and you’re like ‘oh I have no idea what I’m doing.’ I actually got myself accidentally into a really bad head space, and I was like trying to find a way out of it, um which is kind of what the song is about, and so I’d like get to a location and I’d still be really bummed ‘cuz I felt like I had no idea what I was doing, and I was just like ‘I don’t know, I- I- maybe I’m supposed to like sit here, and- and I don’t know and I’ll pick up this thing ‘cuz I don’t know what I’m doing,’ um and it was rough, but then like as it went, it was this reminder like by the end we happened upon this insane field, it was like sunset in pastel and the mountains were beautiful and it was like quiet, there were birds and everything felt perfect, and it was this like duh moment where I was like ‘oh yeah, yep. I just needed to be present, I just needed to be living, and learning, and that’s okay,’ like I’ve never done this before, so yeah it was hard, and- and had I not resisted that so much maybe it would have felt a little bit better and maybe I could have enjoyed it. I’m really bad at favorites but if I can call out one that made me feel a thing, “oh the mountain is crumbling from all sides, frozen I could try to run or I could close my eyes,” and- so some of you have heard me talk about this, but when I write songs it’s not a very conscious process, like I am not sitting there being like ‘mm what’s a poetic way to say that,’ or like ‘what am I trying to say,’ that’d be cool, but my brain can’t do that. I just sit down and a song like just like tumbles out of me, it’s like I’m finding it in the air and it’s a very weird process, so I oftentimes don’t really get to see the lyrics until it’s done, and like really think about them, and so when I really thought about that lyric after it coming out of me, it felt so um- so intense. This is what I pictured, I pictured like being on the side of a mountain, and then just like a giant avalanche coming down. Like the kind you can’t escape, it’s- it’s gonna get you, and this feeling just like in my heart of like ‘so I could run, I could run and turn the other way and like pretend like I’m gonna escape this thing but like I know I’m not, or I could just close my eyes and brace myself to be like-’ you know. I don’t know, killed by an- by an avalanche? That’s so dark, I’m sorry, um but that’s what it made me feel, and in this- in this scenario it’s like the avalanche was my emotion or what we’re struggling with in life and I spent a lot of life like looking the other way and- and running from it and pushing those things down, and more and more I find that like you cannot work them, you can’t move past them or learn from them if you’re not willing to like have them fully fully take you over, um and so I guess that’s what this was about, just like facing it, I guess I was a little chicken because I’m closing my eyes, um but yeah, letting it fully take you and letting myself feel these emotions, um which is intense. Feeling emotions is really intense but I think it’s important work. I don’t know how I’m supposed to end these. I haven’t really thought this through, um but obviously there’s ten songs in the album and this is the first song and I’ve already spoken way too long, so I’m gonna get you back to your lives, go on, um but yeah! It is In the Waiting anniversary month and I just wanted to do this to celebrate, um if you haven’t listened to the album In the Waiting, it came out one year ago. It is like so important to me. You can listen on Spotify iTunes Deezer, like anywhere music exists, this album exists, and you can also pre order a vinyl. If you go to kina grannis dot com you can order yourself a vinyl. More songs coming at you guys soon, thank you for watching. That’s it. Bye!

Hello, and welcome to the second installment of Behind the Songs. Today we’ll be diving into my song History. Basically this song is just like nostalgia and memories and all the feelings from my past, just smashed into a little song. I try to live my life in the present, but I’m a human, and so I- I do spiral off in the future and I do spiral off sometimes in the past, and the past stuff I think is particularly difficult. You can think about all the good times in the past and then get so broken hearted that they’re gone, like sometimes I’ll watch home videos which are so sweet and I’m like a baby and my sisters are all little and my parents are so young and we’re all just like a little family unit and it’s like so sweet, and then I’m like heartbroken, because that part’s over and it will never be again. Or I think about friendships that have lost or mistakes that I’ve made or people that have passed away, and you can just live your life in those past moments and like replay all of those hurts and all of the regret and all of the pain- I said hurts and pain, they’re the same thing but you get it. And this song was trying to talk some sense into myself. This is life right here, and I cannot keep spending my time just spinning off in past land. That’s kind of what I meant by falling off the pages of history. What I need to say also in all of these Behind the Songs, that when I talk about lyrics you have to know that they mean a million things to me, their meaning changes to me, and most importantly, I feel that song lyrics are made for each person individually, so I don’t ever want what I say to make you be like ‘oh shoot, it doesn’t resonate with me, ‘cuz that’s not what I thought it meant.’ The lyrics mean what you need them to mean, and what I need them to mean in any given day. I think songs are magic and they will evolve for us to mean whatever we need them to mean. Anyways. For me, the thing that this most I guess calls back to in my life is that growing up, my sisters and I, we spent every single New Year’s Eve at home. We’d have noodles at midnight, maybe like bang a pot, it was- it was great, it was very low key, it was what- exactly what I wanted to do, I didn’t wanna be anywhere else, I wanted to be at home with my family. And then kind of as I’ve gotten older and I would look back on that I was like ‘was I supposed to be being a kid? Like is there some part of youth that I missed out on?’ I- I wasn’t going to parties, I wasn’t drinking, I was hanging out with my family, and a couple friends, and it was great, and that was so much a part of my identity and I- I do think that it was all important in getting me to where I am today, but there is this little part of me that’s like ‘you only live once, was I supposed to do some dumb things and make some mistakes so that I- so that I really learned things from experience instead of fear?’ That is what that refers to. This verse in particular, it starts with another reference that someone asked about, which is ‘what is Newhart.’ Newhart was my middle school! Um, and middle school was a very odd time for me, as it is for many people, but I was really struggling to figure out who I was. I was pretty shy, I felt like weird, I was like ‘I’m not normal, and cool like them,’ and I found myself a group of kind of self proclaimed weird people, and we’re like ‘yeah we’re- we’re the weird ones together!’ The thing is, even with having that group of friends, I didn’t- I didn’t talk to them. I talked to them on Instant Messenger, but in real life I was like mute, I didn’t know how to talk, I never shared my feelings, it was all just super bottled in, and it didn’t feel good, um so what I did spend a lot of time doing in middle school was sitting alone in a dark closet, listening to my favorite band K’s Choice, it’s a Belgian band that was incredibly formative for me, um and I would just sit in closets and cry, and sing K’s Choice, ‘cuz singing was the only way at this point in my life that I was getting- getting things out. I didn’t know how to talk yet, but I knew how to sing in private, and that is how I stayed sane. So this music video, for those of you that haven’t seen it, I’m actually- I’m writing out all the lyrics to the song behind a window, so you’re on that side, and you can read it, but I’m writing it backwards, which is another super nostalgic thing for me because in high school when I was getting sleepy in classes, I would take my notes written backwards to engage my brain more, and then I would give secret notes to my friends that I would write backwards, so that was a big part of me as a forming human. As I was writing out the lyrics I was really trying to inhabit all those different parts of my life, like childhood and all the stuff that is gone from that, and early times with Jesse and then friendships that I’ve lost and things that were really painful and mistakes, and I was like just thinking about all of it, and it was so intense, and then as the music video is coming to an end, I realized there was a lot of space at the end of the video, and I didn’t know how I was gonna fill it, I was like ‘there are no more lyrics,’ and I just started writing, but this time I was writing forwards for me, so for you it’s backwards. I just started writing things that were coming up: grandad, cancer, friends, no friends, can’t talk, social anxiety, confusion, jealousy, lost, growing, love, so it was like all these things I was feeling, I was thinking about losing my grandfather, and about death, and remembering when my mom was diagnosed with a blood disease when I was in high school, and learning how to be myself, and learning how to maneuver emotions and how to communicate, and generally feeling confused and lost all the time in life because we’ve never done life before and it’s so hard, that last moment was just kind of this final catharsis of everything else that I was super feeling in that moment and I felt needed to be honored in this video somehow. If you guys don’t know my song History, go listen, it means so much to me, it’s out on all the places you can listen to music, and also a reminder that I do have a presale for vinyls for In the Waiting, so if you wanted a ph- an actual record, um they are in the making, you can go to kina grannis dot com and order yours. Thank you guys for listening. If you’re still here, you’re incredible, I just can’t even believe it. Okay. I’ll talk to you guys later. Bye.

Hi again, and welcome to Behind the Songs. Today I’m gonna talk about In the Waiting. I wasn’t sure if I was gonna talk about it, and I’m still not sure if I’m gonna talk about it. Let’s see what happens. Yeah. Okay. We’ll just do it. What inspired me to write this song is that Jesse and I have been trying to create another human, for a long time, um. We’ve been trying for two and a half years to no avail, and um- and it’s hard. It’s really difficult. We didn’t wanna talk about it publicly for a long time and- and as time has gone on it’s more of a just giant part of our existence right now, and- and it also dawned on me that by not talking about it I am maybe not helping other people that are going through this or that might go through this someday, and that maybe me sharing my struggle might be helpful to some of you. Um. Yeah it’s a really hard thing, when you’re like ‘oh let’s start a family, let’s have a baby,’ and then- and then it’s just not possible, or it seems. We’re still being hopeful but now that we are you know two and half years in we’ve done so much growing, and we’ve learned so much, and so we’re in a much better place with it now but most of this album- most of the album was written during this period of time, the early- the early hard time which was much much harder than it is now because we hadn’t done as much growing. It was like such a devastating hard thing, once a month just like full on breakdown and feeling so sad about it, and I found myself pretty often just wanting to skip ahead to like someday when it works, which granted like I don’t even know if that will happen someday, um but I just kept having this thought of like ‘I just- I want this part to be done, like I just wanna skip ahead,’ and I also- I had moments like this with my album too, my album was like so so meaningful to make and it was also so important that it scared me and it was kind of terrifying and really hard to make, um and I had moments too of being like ‘I just want the album to be done, I know I have to record like seven more songs but I just want the album to be done,’ and I found myself wishing this a lot when I was in these very hard moments, and then one day I was sitting at home and I had this like ‘bing!’ where I was like ‘if I’m in the headspace of wanting to wish away right now and skip ahead to some future day which may or may not ever even exist, what a sad thing that these are the seconds I definitely have, like these are the seconds I’m still alive for and I’m healthy and I have loved ones and the world is beautiful, and I could be out enjoying it and instead I’m started living my life based around some imaginary thing in the future,’ and- and I was wishing away the life that I had which was still beautiful and still wonderful, and so over these two and a half years it has been this huge huge learning. Another lyric from the song is um to “trust in the timing of my tiny existence,” and you know we often think we know what’s supposed to happen or we know the best way for things to go, um but life is so mysterious and magical, and things go wrong and then they end up being the best thing that ever happened to you, like I think about Jakarta for me and that was the hardest thing that’s ever happened to me and I’m so grateful for it, because I wouldn’t be who I am without it. I’m trying more and more to trust in the timing, whatever it is, because I look at my life now and- and every time it didn’t work, every time we still weren’t making a human, it would be really sad and then we would both step back and we’d say like ‘what are we grateful for, what- what have we been able to do that we would have not been able to do had this come to us yet,’ and- and I would think back and I’d be like ‘wow we had that dinner with our parents, and I wrote this song, and we played this show,’ and like all these life experiences that I wouldn’t have had had things worked out differently, and so while it has been incredibly painful, and can be hard to sit with sometimes, um I do feel like um- I do feel like I’ve grown so much, because of it, and I am really grateful that it’s happening the way it is, and um yeah. So, that’s kind of why the album was named after this too, it was kind of just this whole period in my life, it felt like I was just waiting, that life was just waiting for something until I realized like ‘oh no, you can’t- you can’t live life waiting, you have to live now,’ um. “Life is in the waiting,” as I once said in this very song, um. So yeah. And to- to any of you who have gone through this, or are going through this, or might go through this someday, I’m just sending you lots and lots of love because it’s really hard, um. But we’re stronger for it, and someday if it happens we’ll be even more grateful, and if it doesn’t happen, we will find other things to do. But we don’t have to get there yet. The reason why I felt called to shoot it there is there is this quote that I heard once and resonates with me so much, and “it’s nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” And when I think of that, I think of trees, especially giant ancient trees that have been there for thousands of years. When you look at a tree, it’s just being patient. Trees aren’t fretting about the timeline, they’re not like running here and there, and comparing themselves to other people, and needing to accomplish so much or like be something. They’re there, and they are just leaning towards the light that they can receive, and they’re growing when they can, and they’re braving the weather, and there’s such a peace and stillness to the way that trees live versus uh humans that is very inspiring to me. It felt fitting for me to do this song which is about not wishing the present away in these redwoods that have just sat there in the present for so so long. I don’t know if I did talking about that justice. I wanted to talk about it right, but talking about things right just makes it too scary, so that was imperfect and I probably didn’t say a lot that I wanted to say. If you guys haven’t listened to my song In the Waiting, you can listen wherever you listen to music. Another reminder that if you want this album in vinyl form, I’m making a new batch for you guys, so you can go to my website and order one of these, so it can live in your home with you. Okay, thank you guys so much for listening. I’m sorry if that was a lot. Sending you lots of love. Thank you guys for listening. Bye.

Okay, today we are diving into Birdsong! Which is such a special song to me. This song actually came to me in a very different way than normal. I was on a walk in my neighborhood, and I saw these birds flying in the sky. It was like a raven and then like a tiny little starling or something. They were flying around together, and then I was like ‘maybe I’ll just try singing about these birds.’ To be honest, the first part was probably uh really stupid and bad. Probably about crows talking to each other. That is not what the song is about, but I was singing and then I started singing the part- which part was it. “Tell me tell me what you see,” and then I heard in my head piano, which if you know this song you know is not like an impressive feat because the piano I heard was like basically two notes, it was just. I was like ‘oh gosh I have to get home,’ so I went home and I sat down at the piano, and then the normal thing happened where the song just started coming out of me, and so when I was writing it, what I was pulling on, some of you know, I have rescued several baby birds in my life, um. It’s all been incredibly magical and incredibly emotional. While I called on the feelings of all the little birds I had, there was one in particular that wrecked me the hardest. Jesse and I and- and a big group of people, we were on this river rafting trip down the Grand Canyon, and every day we would raft down the river and then do some camping alongside the bottom of the Grand Canyon and it was crazy. And one day they found this little bird in the river, it’s like an ice cold river. It probably was trying to learn how to fly. They pulled it out. We got it warm and then I was trying to feed it, and it was so magical. We named it Clancy. If I put it down in the sand a few feet in front of me, it would just slowly walk its way back to me and then start crawling up me and then just like nuzzle in my neck. And then I started teaching it how to fly. I was not trained in this and I’m sorry if I’m breaking all the birds. I have them on my hand, I’m like doing this little lowering motion, and when they feel the drop they start to flap their wings, and they get stronger and stronger and then they start to you know go off your finger and they’ll just kind of go diagonally to the ground while flapping, and then that gets further and further as their wings get stronger. We had a lunch break on the side of the river one day and I was doing this practice with it pretty far from the river. We’re doing it and it’s going five feet, six feet, and then it takes off in the direction of the river, so so long before I’m confident this bird knew how to fly, and just heads towards the river. The river is so far across. There were rapids, it’s crazy. So I’m chasing it, and I run out into the river like as deep as I can go, and the bird’s going out over the river, and then I can’t see it anymore, and I don’t know if it kept flying, or if it fell into the river and drowned, but I lost it in a way I have maybe never lost it quite like this. I was here with this group of twenty people who are all kind of watching this scene, they’ve been watching me care for this bird, and then they watch the bird fly inches over the river and me running after it. I couldn’t face everyone. In my mind at that moment I was basically like ‘I killed this bird that I love so much. I shouldn’t have let it fly, I should have been further from the river, I should have pointed it in another direction,’ and- and I had no idea if it would be okay. I just stood there, just bawling. This went for like an hour. It was such a deep deep ache. This is a side thing. There was a woman on our rafting trip whose name was Raine, and she was older and she came alone, and she was just beautiful and so wise. Jesse was talking to her, and she was like ‘you know I’ve been watching Kina and it’s so sweet how she is with this bird, and I- I see she’s so devastated’ and she was like ‘you know the thing is with parenting, we’re all gonna make mistakes, and bad things might happen but if we were doing it with love, from a place of love, that’s all you can ask of yourself,’ which was really sweet and was helpful to me. Sometimes you use a device to help you write a song, so in this case it was my bird Clancy or in the case of Winter, a song off Elements, my tool was this vase of dead flowers which helped me pull out a song that was about loss. Jesse came home and I was like ‘I wrote a song’ and I played it for him, and in my mind I’m like ‘oh it’s about birds,’ and then I’m singing the song and I just started crying, and it hit me in that moment- again I’ve said this before, I think songs are for everyone and every meaning that they need them to be, and I don’t usually think through all the different meanings they can be for people, but in this instant I had like a huge one hit me. One of the things this song is for is for all of the people who have lost children or babies very very early on, whether it was like a miscarriage or losing them when they were like so tiny and so young, which is- I cannot imagine how devastating, and I was like ‘oh my gosh I think this feels like what the song is about to me, this tiny fragile thing coming into your life and then being gone before- before you could have ever possibly been ready,’ and the really crazy thing is I’ve heard from so many women who have been through that, and then listened to Birdsong and it connected to that part of them. Ah! And you guys are so strong and amazing, these messages were really really beautiful and so inspiring, and just- yeah. Really, really incredibly powerful and meaningful. If you listen carefully, there are probably birds in every single song off of In the Waiting because we live kind of surrounded by trees, and there are so many birds, and our studio is not soundproofed at all, and so there are birds in the background of all of my songs pretty much if you’re listening hard enough, but for this one instead of trying to hide it, I actually just sat in the studio and I opened the door and I just pressed record for like three minutes, and I just let the birds be recorded, and it felt really right. Thank you for going on that journey with me, it means so much to me to get to share a little bit more. Thank you guys for watching, as always if you don’t know Birdsong you can go listen to it on Spotify or iTunes or all of the places, and um- and I hope that you enjoy it, okay but thank you guys and I will see you later. Bye.

Okay. Hi everybody! That was my song Make Me, which I wrote over eleven years ago, and I released it on YouTube ten years ago, and it did come out as a bonus track on Stairwells, way back in the day, so some of you have heard this song. Probably a lot of you have not, um but it’s a very special song for me so I wanted to do a Throwback Session and give it some new life, and- and get it out. Prior to this I had never officially released the song, so you could only listen to my old old version on YouTube, so as of now it is out on all the places you listen, on Spotify or iTunes or Amazon or Google Play or eighty billion of the other ones, it is there, for you. Some of you have probably seen I have been releasing my behind the Songs, celebrating my In the Waiting anniversary which was back in June. Stretching it out a little bit. But it’s been so meaningful to me and so special so thank you guys for watching these, I’ve basically been diving into each of the songs, talking about what I was going through, what they mean to me, um little bit about the music videos and stuff like that, so it’s been really fun, I know they’re really long, um but thank you guys for doing this with me. Also, reminder that I am doing a second run of my vinyls because the In the Waiting vinyls sold out so quickly, so I’ll put the link below if you would like a vinyl, um they are being printed now, so hopefully they will be getting shipped to you in the near future. Um, as always, giant giant thank you to all of my family in KGRecords, all of my patrons, thank you guys for supporting my music, um you are so wonderful, it means so much to have you in my corner, so thank you guys, I’m sending all of you so much love, and um yes. More from me soon. Hope you guys are well, bye.

It's Behind the Songs again and today we're diving into California, and I think I'm even at a place in life where I don't cry when I talk about it. A few years ago, almost four years ago now, my band and I went on tour to southeast Asia. It was the last tour of my Elements album and I was super super excited, and we played the first show in Indonesia and then immigration people showed up and they took our passports and they didn’t tell us why. I’m trying to do this super fast ‘cuz if I don’t this could be like a thirty minute long video. The boiled down version is that there had been a mishap with our visas, unbeknownst to us, and therefore we had broken the law, and they’re like ‘so uh this is the crime you committed, the punishment is five years in jail.’ The thing is when it happened I was like ‘oh there’s been a terrible misunderstanding, we have the right visas, it was in the contract, it was all signed, and it’s- I think this is a misunderstanding.’ Long story short, none of that matters, and therefore we were looking at potential jail time, and it was terrifying. We lived in a hotel. We were there for a hundred days, we ended up moving near the end, but it was this strange time in life where there was absolutely no certainty, and so much fear. We didn’t know if or when we would ever go home. I didn’t know if I would ever see my family again, like if I went to jail, like who knows what happens as you go to jail. I might not go home, I might go to jail, meanwhile I couldn’t talk about any of this on the Internet, because everyone that was advising us was like ‘if you go public and this becomes a big bad thing ,you’ll probably just go to jail right now, so just don’t talk about it, cancel your tour,’ so I cancelled the tour and I couldn’t say why, and then we spent the next hundred days trying to find out how to get home, and we’re bringing in all these different lawyers and talking to different people back home like ‘is there anything anyone can do’ and there was nothing to do except wait and just see what happened. Mental health was a struggle. I already struggle with mental health, and then being put in a situation like this where everything is stripped from you, days were very difficult. I’m gonna talk about this again for For Now also, so I won’t go too crazy into it, but it was a very crazy time that was very very difficult, and then I had this magic little two weeks that I’ll talk about more in For Now but there was this blip in the middle where I felt like I could write, and I wrote two songs, and it was California and For Now. I wrote it in a stairwell in the hotel where we lived, and then I remember Jesse coming in and playing it for him and both of us kind of just losing it, ‘cuz it was way too real. I probably just told the story the worst I’ve ever done it. I wrote a blog post about it, if you Google kina grannis 100 days in jakarta, I did like a written account of the things that happened and everything I learned and- and all of that stuff, so if you wanna know more about it you can read it ‘cuz I think that was a bad job. Craziest experience of my life, learned eighty billion things, cried so much and also I’m so grateful for it. That’s that. So for the first half of being stuck there I couldn’t even bear to think about touching my guitar. So then by the time I could- and I’ll talk more about how I got there in the next episode, by the time I could, I think the thing that was so powerful- it was one of the first times in this whole experience that I was able to really process some emotion outside of crying, which don’t worry I did a lot of that too. Getting to take all of this pain and fear and longing and getting to put it into a song was like just really helpful. Songs have always been really therapeutic for me and- and this one was definitely one of them. So yeah it was hard, it was also really helpful for me. It’s about missing home and missing my family, and longing for things so badly that I have no control over happening again, and at the same time trying to be okay with that fully, ‘cuz if I wasn’t okay with that I would break. So I had to somehow hold all of this longing and sadness and fear and then also hold that it’s okay, that I can hurt this much, and it’s okay, and I can miss you this much, and it’s okay, and I might never see you again, and I will be okay, like I had to go that deep with it because I was mentally preparing for if I go to jail, and I live there for who knows how long, I need to be able to protect my mind and so I was like ‘if that happens I just have to meditate all day long and become enlightened and it’s gonna be okay,’ like I had to be really optimistic and holding all my pain, ‘cuz I wasn’t gonna deny myself the pain. It was so sad to miss my family and not know when I would ever go home. So this song starts with the lyrics “hey there California, I can hear you when I wake up, in the distance like the ocean calling me back to your side, holding my breath in the night, I listen again for your song,” and that’s just like this cycle that I was in, every moment I’m thinking about home and every moment I’m thinking about when I’m gonna get home. I felt the giant ocean between us, I felt almost like I could look out and know there’d be an ocean, and then somewhere on the way way way way way other side of that ocean was home, and every night I went to bed thinking like ‘is tomorrow the day? could tomorrow be the day? I shouldn’t think that, that’s gonna hurt, it’s probably not gonna be tomorrow,’ and it was this thing and then you wake up and you’re like ‘I’m here, I’m still here, oo I wanna go home, oo I wonder if I’m ever gonna go home.’ It felt like it was impossible that it would actually ever happen. So when I shot it I was like ‘I don’t feel it’s even right to make a fancy music video for this song, ‘cuz this song is just raw and not fancy and it’s not trying to do anything, it was just this emotional dump,’ and I just was like ‘I think I just need to go sit on the coast, I need to touch California, by the ocean that I was longing to go across and just sing this song.’ Thank you guys again for watching and listening and um you can go listen to California wherever you listen to music and um there will be more of these soon. You guys are so awesome if you’re actually watching these, I know it’s a huge time investment but um it means a lot to get to dive into these and continue celebrating In the Waiting before we move on to new song babies, so thank you guys so much, and I hope you’re well, and I’m sending you lots and lots of love and I’ll talk to you later. Okay. Bye.

Welcome back to Behind the Songs, again! This time I’m diving into my song For Now. If you don’t know about my time in Jakarta maybe start with the California Behind the Songs, or start with googling kina grannis 100 days in Jakarta, and then read the blog post that I wrote about the whole thing because first you have to put your mind in uh that world that I was living in. I was in this bad way where we had no control over what was happening to us, there was zero certainty, a lot of fear, a lot of confusion, a lot of sadness. When you resist those emotions, it is very bad. I was there was my band, and they are like my family, I love them so much and- and we all kind of dealt with it in our own ways. For me it hit me in like waves of just deep, deep sadness. Throughout the whole thing we had some family and friends back home saying ‘you should be documenting this, you should take videos and you know write music and create while you can,’ and that was so beyond me at that point, ‘I was like I can’t even get out of bed. I can’t possibly turn a camera on or try to write music.’ I was in survival mode, and those things, they didn’t even feel like options. But then at some point it dawned on us that we really might be here for a long time. Early on we were told it might be nine months before we even have the trial that decides if we go to jail or not, and those nine months would be really rough, and then we could end up in jail. So I was thinking ‘I need to take better care of myself. If this is life, I need to start respecting this time and taking care of this time like it is my real life, not like my life is happening without me back home,’ and so I started doing a gratitude journal every day, so every day I would write maybe like ten things that I was grateful for, and sometimes it- I just felt like I was making it up, like I didn’t feel it, but I just went through the motions, so I did a gratitude journal, I was meditating every day, sometimes twice a day, I was exercising for at least an hour a day, I was just like ‘how do I take care of this vessel that I’m living in.’ Eating vegetables, meditating, exercising, reading inspiring content, doing gratitude journals, and I made it my full time job to take care of myself, and it started working, so there was actually a part halfway through our time there, we were there for a hundred days, where I felt so at peace with things, I actually felt how grateful I was to be there in the middle of all of this. I was like okay being really not okay, and in this little blip I felt like ‘maybe I’ll pick up my guitar’ and so I did, I wrote two songs when I was over there and For Now was the first one, and I was alone in my hotel room, Jesse was downstairs with the band, all of a sudden I was like ‘oh my gosh a song, I remember this.’ I remember being really excited about it and it felt so good and it felt helpful to get emotion out of me, and at the same time I was kind of hitting a wall, and I was like ‘I don’t know what this song is about, I can’t write it, I don’t have it in me to write it,’ and so Jesse came up at one point, he was like ‘oh you wanna come to dinner?’ And I was like ‘yeah I’m like- I’m writing a song but I’ll come to dinner,’ and he’s like ‘wait what? You’re writing? You can’t come to dinner. You don’t get to come to dinner.’ And I was like ‘I I wanna come to dinner!’ And he was like ‘you have to stay, you can’t leave your song.’ We have this thing where if a song starts you cannot leave it until it’s as complete as it can be in that moment, because if you leave before it’s done pouring out of you you can lose it. So Jesse’s like ‘you should stay’ and I was kind of begging him ’can you please write all of the lyrics to this song for me,’ and that’s a crazy ask because I never cowrite. A few times in my life I’ve done this, but mostly, like ninety nine point nine nine percent of my songs I’ve written alone. I really don’t know how to write with other people and it also weirds me out ‘cuz I’m like ‘if this is my song certainly you shouldn’t have written the words, that doesn’t make sense to me.’ So I never ever have people involved in my songs, and in this moment because I was so weak and so fragile I was like ‘Jesse can you please please write all of the lyrics for me, just make it a good song,’ and he was like ‘I won’t, I can’t, I’m sorry, it’s yours, you have to do it.’ And I was like. And so he left and I kind of kept trudging through it and slowly the words started finding me, and it felt so good. Okay so the chorus is “maybe it’s enough that we’ve laid here, maybe it’s enough that I’ve known inside my head, and maybe it’s enough to know that we were here together and that we are the ones for now.” What this song is about for me, it’s about a lot of things, one of which was the thing that I really learned in my time in Jakarta which was when everything is stripped away, things get put into perspective so clearly, and all the things that used to stupidly matter just didn’t matter at all, it was like I woke up and that’s amazing, and I am still breathing and that’s amazing, and I have hands and maybe I can’t be with my family but they’re back home and I have people that I love. Everything was stripped away and it was so clear that I had everything, like I had all the most beautiful things. I was getting to experience life, and I was getting to experience emotions and I was experiencing love and pain and like all of that as beautiful, and I felt really grateful just to get to be part of this whole human experience. It’s a lot about gratitude and it’s about how cool it is to be here in this moment with everyone else that’s here in this moment, which takes me to the last question for this song. The music video For Now was compiled from a bunch of footage from my In the Waiting tour. It’s kind of intense, I do some crying in it. This tour was really intense for me. It was my first tour since Jakarta so I think I had a lot of trauma living in me and that made it scary. I was struggling with a lot of things. Why I wanted to make this song about life on the road is because part of the song is about how crazy it is- human history has been so vast. We’re in like this tiny little part and it’s been huge and we, if you’re hearing this- well I guess that’s not true, you could be hearing this in the future when I’m long gone, but let’s assume you’re listening right now. We get to exist on the planet at the same exact time in this tiny little blip that so many people never knew, so many other people in the future are never gonna know and we get to be in it together, and we get to have our lives cross, and we get to inspire each other and connect and share our struggles and share our stories, and I feel so grateful for that and so grateful for all the people that have come through my life, and I feel that so viscerally when I am on tour, because I look out every night- I spend most of my life behind a computer, like right now, but on tour there are all these real people from all over the world that are coming and sharing an evening with me, just sitting in a room with me, and we’re all feeling these all feelings together and thinking about these things together, and to take it a step further, all these people, yourself included, are the reason why I get to do what I love every day, are the reason I get to making music, and so it’s like even more gratitude for getting to be here with these people right now. Every night I would play this song and look out on stage and see all these people, and just be like ‘this is amazing. We don’t get to be here very long, and I’m so very grateful that in my little blip here I got to interact with all of you.’ If you’re listening and I know probably that’s like three people, ‘cuz these videos are very long, but if you’re listening, that’s so cool! Our lives are like this, and um that’s really important to me, so thank you guys for listening. I think with that I will wrap it up on this song. You can go listen to these songs, you can go listen to For Now wherever you listen to music. That is it. Thank you guys so much and I will see you very soon with another Behind the Songs. Okay. Bye.

Hi. I’m sorry for the car noise in the background. So that was Dream a Little Dream of Me, it’s a great song, uh it’s out everywhere you listen to music! Spotify, iTunes, Google Play, you know. You know where to go. Um, what did I have to tell you. Oh a couple things: one, for those of you that preordered vinyls for In the Waiting, they’re nearly there, um I just got an update from the manufacturer and I think that they should be going out mid to late September, so they are coming, we had to get them just right, I didn’t wanna send you guys weird vinyls, I’m so sorry, and thank you guys for the wait, um in other news, I am uh still on my quest to find out how to be a functioning human, um, and I’m learning a lot, and I’m struggling a lot, and I’m learning that you don’t have to struggle all the time, and um in any case, it’s brought up lots of songs, so I wrote three songs in the last week, um which I’m pretty excited about, and I think they’re gonna make the album. Once the Behind the Songs are complete I’m gonna get in the studio and- and really dive into that a bit more, but I’m still- I still can’t let go of In the Waiting fully, so we’re gonna live in that for a little bit longer, probably finish these next four episodes and then- and then onto new territory. Um, but I hope you guys are well, I hope that you are happy and learning and growing. I am certainly trying to do those things but it’s hard sometimes, life is confusing and hard, and- man. You just never quite figure it out, but I’m trying. I wanted to thank all of my patrons, all of you in KGRecords, thank you thank you so much, um you’re wonderful, thanks for supporting my music and everything I’m doing. Sending you lots and lots of love, and strength and courage- a dove! That was nice. Okay. I hope you guys are well. I will see you later. Thanks for watching. Bye.

It’s that time again. Today we are diving into Lonesome. Here we go. I think Lonesome is a song about depression or sad times. This is something that I have sometimes. I’ve never had like terrible terrible long depression but throughout most of my adult life it’s just like a thing that I deal with. Sometimes it’s there a little bit, sometimes it’s there in a big way, sometimes it’s there for an hour, sometimes it’s there for like a month. This song was written when I was kind of stuck in one of those places. Sometimes I will wake up and it’s just there, like it’s a cloud sitting on me. Or it’s like I wake up and there’s this pit in my chest. And it’s like ‘shoot. Well, I have to deal with this.’ That’s what a lot of Lonesome is referring to in terms of it lingering in my day and lurking in the backyard. No matter how I might try to pretend I’m fine and go about life like it’s great, it’s like sneaking behind me and it’s like ‘you’re not okay, I know you’re smiling and you’re pretending but you’re not okay.’ And I used to try to pretend I was okay, that was just what I did, I was like ‘ah I’m so happy, it’s fine!’ Then it felt really bad. There was like a- maybe a yearlong period where I woke up every single day with like a weight in my chest, like- felt like something was terribly wrong, and I think what that was was feelings and things that I needed to acknowledge and feel and say out loud. Yeah so the ‘it’ would be sadness, but you start to feel it too, just underneath the surface, whispers from the left side of the bed. That lyrics also refers to unfortunately no matter how hard I tried to pretend I wasn’t sad, um, Jesse has always- he can just tell, and so you know I would do that stupid thing where he’s like ‘what’s wrong’ and I’m like ‘nothing! That’s- I’m fine, nothing’s wrong!’ and he’s like ‘no.’ Um and I feel bad because he’s a very empathic person, as am I, but you know Jesse’s just someone that most of the time he feels great so that’s the stuff I get to feel from him, what he has to feel from me all the time- I am sad and I’m anxious and I am questioning and I am comparing and not helpful things, and I’m working aggressively on all of them, I don’t want to just be that way, and I’ve made huge progress but it’s unfortunate for Jesse because I think you have to be very strong to hold space for another human to feel all of those things and not take on all of their emotion. I think I was going through this time where I was so in this hole and you know sometimes when it’s like that you don’t even know why, sometimes it’s just chemical, and sometimes it feed into other things but I think at this point I didn’t even know why I was feeling this way, I couldn’t really imagine having to be around people and to be on or to do anything for that matter, and I think as I was singing this lyric it was this feeling of ‘do other people feel this way?’ Even knowing someone else is in this state with me alone somewhere else, makes me feel so much better and so much less broken which of course is the truth! So many of us go through this. This is part of why I wanted to do these Behind the Songs because I want to share what I go through so that hopefully some of you can be like ‘I’m not crazy because she feels it too!’ Or maybe we’re crazy but at least that’s better than being crazy alone. It feels better to know that you’re going through a shared experience, even if it’s really hard. I was trying to think of what I wanted this music video to be, and I wasn’t sure, and then I said out of nowhere to Jesse ‘ha ha ha what if I was just singing the whole song to a tortoise,’ and then he was like ‘do you want a tortoise, we can find a tortoise.’ And I was like ‘wait can I- can I really have a tortoise?’ We did find a place that had a tortoise and we brought it out to the desert in Joshua Tree and we did this one with our friend Yoni Goldberg, so this is why Lonesome’s a step above all the other music videos, because Yoni was behind the camera and he has an amazing camera and an amazing eye, and it’s so stunning. So we had the tortoise and I didn’t really know what the plan was, at first I really thought I was just gonna lie down in front of it and sing the whole song to it, and then I realized that’s kind of a weird shot. Like with most of the videos in this album, I didn’t have a solid plan, they just unfolded as I went, and I just went on an adventure in the desert with a tortoise. What it came to symbolize to me was a few things, one I was in this sad depression desert world, and then I came across another- I don’t wanna say person ‘cuz um tortoises aren’t people, but another being on its own journey, maybe struggling in its own ways. But it was this feeling of we weren’t talking and we weren’t doing much but I felt less alone because I was in it with this tortoise. Am I making any sense? There was something in this that really connected to a real thing to me, suffering and doing it with people separately. In other ways it also felt like the tortoise was a steadiness and the wisdom and this thing that I latched onto in my suffering, like ‘can you show me the way?’ and going through it and then at the end of it kind of being okay, and then ultimately having to go our own ways at the end, and at the end of the day we’re the only ones that can take care of ourselves, but it was kind of like this little bringer of wisdom to kind of help me out and then send me back on my way. So that’s Lonesome! If you haven’t watched the music video this is the one to watch. I’m really proud of this one, the tortoise is such a star, he’s just the greatest, and Yoni shot it so beautifully, so I hope you enjoyed it, and you can go listen to Lonesome wherever you listen to music, and thank you guys for tuning into Behind the Song again. I’m sending lots and lots and lots of love your way, and I will see you at the next Behind the Songs! Okay. Bye.

Hello everyone! Welcome back to Behind the Songs. We’re on episode eight! We’re like nearly there, you’ve almost done it. Today we are talking about my song Beth. I always wonder this when there are songs with names in it, like ‘is that a real person, is it a real person but they just changed the name to a random name, or is this whole story made up and none of this is real?’ In this instance, it is a real person, and that real person name’s is Beth! Beth is my cousin, and she is just one of the most wonderful special magical humans, she’s just like a glowing ball of light and wherever she goes she just like brings joy to everyone around her. You might know Beth because she was actually my tour manager for my Elements tour some years back, so if you came on the Elements tour and you came to a meet and greet or you just saw this like awesome girl going around running the show, that was my cousin Beth. I feel uncomfortable because I know that Beth might be watching this and I’m gonna do it all wrong, so I’m just gonna do what I can and we’re gonna have to make do with that. One of the main things was just this feeling of loving someone so much and just wanting to be there for them and know them and be close to them like as much as possible, wanting that so bad and then also feeling that there’s maybe like a gap that you’re unable to cross, and I think all of us can have protections up, walls and barriers and stuff that we’ve built up throughout life to get by and survive, and they’ve all served us. So it’s just about really wanting to cross those barriers and for the other person to know ‘I’m here, I see you, I love you, and I want in as much as you’ll have me, I’ll take whatever I can get.’ I have certainly been on the other side of this too, definitely I’ve been a person that someone is trying to see and- and I’m like boop boop boop boop boop. I mean I used to have crazy walls up, I didn’t even know who I was around other people, um I just kind of like lost my identity a lot of the time. This is not that sort of situation but I think it’s so common for us to have some walls up and it can be hard or scary or dangerous feeling to let people in all the way, and let people see you fully. Yes, so I wrote this song, and then I never told her about it, and then I was working on the album and I finally recorded this song and I was coming up to its release and it dawned on me that she didn’t know about it, and so I sent her a pretty awkward email being like ‘hi so um I wrote a song, it’s kind of like your song, and I’ve been calling it Beth but that might seem really weird so if you think that’s bad then just tell me, and I won’t do it, and I hope this song doesn’t make you feel weird, and I love you okay bye,’ and I sent it, and then I was just like ‘oh no, this is terrible.’ I don’t know, I just felt so scared. Writing a song is already such a vulnerable thing, but I guess I’m used to writing it about myself. I feel okay putting my own private things out there, but to put a thing out there that is my thing in regards to another human, I felt like I needed permission, so I sent that, and then it was actually really really beautiful. Okay here is the lesson that I get from this. So often we have that feeling, seeing someone or loving them or wanting to tell them something or wanting to be closer but we’re afraid to say it, because we’re afraid of what might happen, and so you just accept where you are, and then in writing this song and having to put it out there it kind of forced me to say all this in front of Beth in the form of a song, and so we then had a Facetime call that was really really beautiful, and I guess the takeaway was don’t be so afraid to say things especially when those things are things like ‘I really really love you, and I see you, and I’m here for you.’ Jesse and I were driving one day and I said ‘I want to shoot Beth in a meadow.’ To which he was very confused because he heard I want to shoot my cousin in a meadow, not what I had in mind. I wanted to film a music video for my song Beth in a meadow, and so that’s what we did. We went up to Yosemite, which if you’ve never been to Yosemite, if you ever get to come to California, it’s like one of the most breathtaking beautiful places in the world, I love it so much, so we drove up to Yosemite, we found a meadow, got out started shooting, and I just hear this strange sound, it was like, and I was like ‘what is happening,’ and I look. Poor Jesse is holding the camera and trying to walk as steadily as possible while he’s in a swarm of mosquitos, and they were just everywhere. For some reason they weren’t near me which is weird because I’m usually that person that the mosquitos are like all- all up over. So know that when you watch this video Jesse made a huge sacrifice in filming it for us, so thank you Jesse! Takeaways are Beth I love you so so much, and also to everyone else, talk to the people you love, open up as much as you can, communication is good, and let people in. I did wanna let you guys know that the new In the Waiting vinyls are finally finally here, so if you preordered one they are going out to you right now, and if you didn’t get a vinyl and you want one you can go order one from my website. Thank you guys for watching and listening, you are so so wonderful, I hope you guys are well, I will see you later, thank you for hanging out with me bye. Mwah!

I just got so sleepy. Okay. Behind the Songs. What are we on. Souvenirs. So I wrote this song about one year after I got back from Jakarta. That was a super weird year. When you are trapped somewhere for a hundred days and the only thing you’re ever wishing for is to go home, you kind of think that when that finally happens that the rest of life is just gonna be like ahh like skipping through fields and feeling grateful and happy forever. And what happened was the opposite. I came home and it felt so good and we cried and there was hugging, and then life set in, and I was like ‘whoa, I don’t know who I am.’ I fell into a bit of a depression, and I was really shaken because when I was in Jakarta things became so clear about what was important, it was just being alive and showing people that you love them and that’s it, and then coming back I was like ‘wait, we’re all spending our lives mostly doing stuff that’s not that. And worrying about stuff that’s not that, and what is career and what- what is any of this stuff,’ and I was so confused and part of me felt like ‘I don’t know if I’ll ever do music again.’ It felt really unsettling. I just wanted to hug people I loved, and that be my life for the rest of time. So I had a really difficult year of trying to kind of put the pieces back together, and I did a lot of different types of therapy and just worked on myself a lot and I finally started to get to an okay place, and then I was doing a writing retreat day with my drummer Darla who was also in Jakarta with us. She was writing upstairs, I was writing downstairs, and she had asked me ‘do you think you’ll ever write about Jakarta again?’ and I was like ‘ah, I don’t know if I have anything left to say,’ which is silly, and she was like ‘maybe- maybe there’s more,’ and I was like ‘yeah maybe,’ and then I sat down at the piano and this song Souvenirs kind of poured out. The first thing about this music video is that it’s flipping between Jakarta and my home, and Jakarta, my experience of Jakarta is inside a hotel room because that’s where I spent 99% of my time there. I really really wanted it to feel correct, and Jesse and I spent an entire day looking up pictures of hotel rooms in Los Angeles, trying to find one that felt like our home in Jakarta, and so we search and search and search and then I finally found one that was pretty close, like the color scheme was right, the placement of the bed and the window was right, we even moved stuff around in the hotel room to be as close as it could to ours except it’s the mirror image. What I wanted to do for this video was just recreate my life there, so everything you see me doing in this video, it’s exactly what I did. So the outfit that I’m wearing is the outfit that I lived in. The mug that the video starts on that has Indonesia and then a plane flying over the ocean, and then California and it says how many miles is between these two places, was actually a gift given to me the night of that show before all of this went down, which is so weird. One of the only gifts I got that night was a mug that told me how far away I was from home, and I did love it and I still use it now. Someone also at the show, they gave me a journal, so I did all this gratitude journaling in this journal that someone gave to me at the show, and just real journaling about my time there. That was not actually my original journal, I found another one that looked like it, and then I copied out actual pages from my diary when I was in Jakarta. The crocheting, Darla and I, again my drummer who’s like my Jakarta sister, at one point we were like ‘we should learn how to crochet granny squares,’ and I had this idea that I would make this blanket, and so we spent all of our time- like we’d be at dinner crocheting, when we’re with the band we’re crocheting, when I’m really depressed I’m crocheting, and then, a hundred days in, we get word we’re going home. I never finished the blanket. I tied them up in this little bag and then I put them away and I never looked at them again, and so when I shot this video was the first time I actually brought out all of these squares that I had been working on the whole time I was in Jakarta, and it was the first time I had crocheted since. I finished the last square. I didn’t even finish the last square I was working on, which is so weird, so it felt like this nice closure to get to finish the final granny square. I still haven’t made it a blanket, but that’s okay. The video was also a lot about the weird weird transition coming home. There’s a part in the video where it flickers in between me being at home and me being in Jakarta. The whole time I was in Jakarta I was thinking about home, and then I get home and I just kept thinking about Jakarta, it was like this weird alt universe and I was always going between them. This is really the whole point of the song. All of the hardest things, like the saddest memories and the most difficult conversations or moments, those feel like gifts to me now. They’re like badges of something. They’re the moments where I learned the most, they’re the moments that I felt the most. Things were important and I’m grateful that I got to feel so deeply, and now being this far out from Jakarta, I am only grateful for the experience, and it’s all like a souvenir to me, it’s all like this special gift that taught me so much, and that I have a do lot of oddly warm memories of, of course I have all the like terrifying memories too. Seeing how much community meant, or how much family meant, how much friendship meant, strengthening my relationship with Jesse, so so many- so many souvenirs coming out of this really hard thing, and I try to look at all of life like this now, when a really hard thing is happening, I’m pretty sure something really beautiful’s gonna come out of it somehow someday, I will look back and be like ‘thank goodness that happened, because blah blah blah.’ That’s not true. I’m never gonna be like ‘thank goodness someone died,’ but even the hardest things there is beauty to be found and lessons to be found, and I think that’s kind of what this is about, to stay open to that stuff so that the bad stuff isn’t just bad. That’s Souvenirs you guys! Um, there’s only one left and then we will have completed the Behind the Songs series for In the Waiting. Thank you guys for coming along on this journey with me. I hope you are very well and I’m sending you so much love and I’ll see you soon. Okay bye.

It’s the last Behind the Songs! Thank you so much for letting me ramble. This was really scary and uncomfortable for me to do but also something that felt really important to me, and I know it’s not for everyone, and so I am very grateful to those of you that this resonates with. Thank you guys for keeping me company. So I asked you guys to think of limiting beliefs that you have, stories that you tell yourself that might be holding yourself back, like ‘I’m broken’ or ‘I’ll never be good enough’ or ‘I’m x y and z’. We all do this in our heads, it’s not nice. So I challenged a bunch of you to go find those limiting beliefs and then start changing the narrative and write a new belief that you wanna start believing and living in, and I was so blown away by the response. That’s a really scary prompt, to have to look at yourself like that. It’s like a lot of work, and so the fact that anyone at all did this was amazing, but the messages that were sent in, people holding up their new belief or the new thing they wanna work on believing, it was so moving. Throughout making the whole video I was just crying and even to this day I recently watched this music video, and I am just covered in goosebumps the entire time and just tearing up because the strength and beauty of these humans- just one of the most beautiful things to me ever is just to watch all these humans be so vulnerable and challenge a belief about themselves. We’re all going through such different lives, we’re all struggling in such different and similar ways, and it’s just really beautiful to get to see that rawness. I feel like this song kind of tied together this whole album and this whole chapter for me, and is something that I really really have to remember in life. This idea that you have everything you need. I think a lot of us go through life feeling like we are incomplete or broken and we’re waiting for some person to save us, or we’re waiting for some job to make us the person we thought we’d be, or to have some great change, but I think we’re- we’re all whole, and we’ll keep growing forever, and the more we can stop beating ourselves up and- and judging everything about ourselves the more we can settle in to ‘oh everything is actually already fine,’ and of course we can grow and strive, and try to be better and do better for the world, but I like the idea that we all already have everything we need, and so this idea, “all along I had it all,” when I’m anxious or when I’m depressed and when I’m struggling, when I really step back in those moments, it kind of goes back to the song For Now which is like I got to live. I get to be here, and I get to breathe and I get to eat, and I get to meet people, and grow, and experience love, and experience nature, and laugh. Those are the things that matter, not the external things, not what we look like, not achieving some status, or making a certain amount of money, or having other people think you’re cool. The real real happiness and fulfillment comes from those moments of just being here, connecting with someone, learning, looking at a tree, listening to a good song. I might be making absolutely no sense. This was the most asked question for any song on the whole album. So if you have listened to carefully to this song, you might have noticed that in the second half of the song there’s like some whispering. There’s like maybe someone talking but you’re not sure if you’re going crazy. Okay so the first part is the part that is just repeating all along I had it all, and then there’s this pause and then it turns into this other part. I just started feeling like there’s- there has to be some message buried under this. I pressed record and I just started saying things, and in this weird way this was like a culmination of the whole album to me, it’s like what have I learned over this whole album, of all these songs this whole chapter of life like what I thinking about what am I feeling and I just started rambling all this stuff. I think it’s fair, I made you suffer for a year, I’m gonna read you my little poem now. Okay. Here we go, you ready? “Here’s to the many things that make life so sweet: to the air, and the birds, and the stars, and the trees, to the people around that help me be me, to the pain to the waiting, to the tears, to the sea, and learning all along I’ve had everything I need. You have everything you need.” We have gone through the entire album, um thank you so much for coming on this journey with me and revisiting all these songs and getting to spend a little bit more time with them, um this was really like the most special album I’ve ever made, and it’s the first album that I got to release because of so many of you that have joined KG Records. You are my record label now and it’s- it’s amazing, so it was such a special time and it is- it’s a little sad for me to move on from it, but I know these songs will always be out there in the world living their own lives and- and now I feel at peace to move forward to some new ones. If you haven’t heard this song or the whole album you can go listen to it, you can go order the vinyl from my website, um if you want a physical thing, there’s also CDs. Thank you guys so much, you’re so wonderful, um I hope that you know that, I hope that you continue to feel more and more whole and happy, and um I’m sending lots and lots of love your way, and yeah. I think that’s it. Okay. Thank you guys. You’re the best. Bye.

[jafreitag]

Baby, it’s (still) cold outside…

As our Instagram profile says, Liner Notes is a music blog that OM and I founded in 2010. That’s sorta true, sorta not. Back then, we did start writing about music online under the same moniker, but it was only a semi-regular column on a news website called Hypervocal, run by one of our pals. We were happy for the exposure, for sure, but we weren’t running our own show. We would submit material, and the HV guy would format and edit it, and then post it. He would use pretty much whatever we sent, tbh, with really minor tweaks. At some point, he didn’t (and explained why), and thin-skinned me bristled and quit. Apologies, SS. I get what you were saying, and should’ve been cooler. If you don’t mind, I’ll throw you a few hits from this iteration of LN back to your archives.

Eight years ago, OM wrote a thing about holiday music, and offered advice about compiling a decent playlist for family time. Want to know what life was like in the pre-Spotify-era? O offered some insight “Last year, I decided enough was enough and I put together my own playlist of ‘Christmas’ songs. Now I make sure to get my iPod hooked up to the speakers as soon as the party starts. It’s a Rumsfeldian pre-emptive strike, and it’s saved me from hours of cloying holiday radio.”

Dad, what’s an iPod? And what’s Rumsfeldian mean? #nvrmnd

I also wrote a thing about holiday music. Just as dated, but in a different way. OM sounded cool, like a guy giving you the 2010-411 on how to Don Draper TF outta some yuletide jams. I sounded like a trying-to-be-funny douche. And wtf is up with all of those links?? OMF. (Links were the undoing of the HV/LN relationship, fwiw.) In my defense, I was finding my internet voice – trying to impress my then-gf/now-wife, and imagining the hundreds? thousands? of people who would be cracking up when they read my shit. Admittedly, those are the same two drivers behind LN now, but I’m much better at my fake job. Right? Right. Ugh, this is tl;dr already.

There’s a point. The classic “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” was written in 1944 by Frank Loesser, and popularized in 1959 by Dean Martin. This is what I said about the song in 2010 on HV:

“[Dean Martin’s] duet with Doris Day [], ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside‘ is at best an ode to blue balls, at worst a theme song for date rape.

You can imagine Doris, in a plaid skirt and a red sweater pulled over a white turtleneck, standing at the window and fretting about the blizzard raging outside, while Dino, in a black silk robe that barely covers a leopard-print thingamajig from the International Male catalog, mixes up a roofy across the room. It gets way creepy at the end, as the predator tries to convince the prey to ‘stay’ by forecasting his lifelong sorrow if she caught pneumonia in the snowstorm and died. What?! The result, unclear — they both agree, simply, that it’s cold outside. Okay, then.”

Apparently, in the #metoo era, a holiday song describing the lead-up to a possible sexual assault isn’t that great. Duh. But Martin’s daughter is apoplectic about the backlash, and squawking to Fox News about it. Deano, per Deana, would be going insane that political correctness culture has turned a “sweet, flirty, fun holiday song” into something more sinister. When she herself performs the song, she doesn’t want to change the lyrics.

Those lyrics?

I really can’t stay (Baby it’s cold outside) I gotta go away (Baby it’s cold outside) This evening has been (Been hoping that you’d dropped in) So very nice (I’ll hold your hands they’re just like ice) My mother will start to worry (Beautiful what’s your hurry?) My father will be pacing the floor (Listen to the fireplace roar) So really I’d better scurry (Beautiful please don’t hurry) Well maybe just a half a drink more (I’ll put some records on while I pour)

The neighbors might think (Baby it’s bad out there) Say what’s in this drink? (No cabs to be had out there) I wish I knew how (Your eyes are like starlight now) To break this spell (I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell) (Why thank you) I ought to say no, no, no sir (Mind if move in closer?) At least I’m gonna say that I tried (What’s the sense of hurtin’ my pride?) I really can’t stay (Baby don’t hold out)

Baby it’s cold outside

Ah, you’re very pushy you know?

I like to think of it as opportunistic

I simply must go (Baby it’s cold outside) The answer is no (But baby it’s cold outside) The welcome has been (How lucky that you dropped in) So nice and warm (Look out the window at that storm) My sister will be suspicious (Gosh your lips look delicious!) My brother will be there at the door (Waves upon a tropical shore) My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious (Gosh your lips are delicious!) Well maybe just a cigarette more (Never such a blizzard before)

I’ve got to get home (Baby you’ll freeze out there) Say lend me a coat? (It’s up to your knees out there!) You’ve really been grand, (I thrill when I touch your hand) But don’t you see? (How can you do this thing to me?) There’s bound to be talk tomorrow (Think of my life long sorrow!) At least there will be plenty implied (If you caught pneumonia and died!) I really can’t stay (Get over that old out)

Baby it’s cold Baby it’s cold outside…

Per the Wiki, “this duet is a conversation between two people, a host (called ‘Wolf’ in the score) and a guest (called ‘Mouse’), in call and response form. Every line in the song features a statement from the guest followed by a response from the host. While both the Wolf and the Mouse want the night to continue, the Mouse says she ‘ought to say no, no, no, sir’ and return home, because of what family and neighbors will think.” (That passage footnotes into a Loesser archive at Yale thing, which I obv couldn’t access. But since when do wolves eat mice?)

Deana’s take is this:

“When she says, ‘Hey, what’s in this drink?’ I don’t think she’s talking about some pill being put in that drink. It’s like, ‘Is this punch?’ You know, what’s in this drink? Is it vodka? It was nice. It’s just breaking my heart that people would turn that around.

This PC is driving me nuts. You gotta sit back and relax. Have a good time. It’s OK. People gotta have a sense of humor about themselves. I understand the #MeToo movement and everything. I’m all for that. But this? We gotta relax and have fun again.”

Hm. Disagree. Fun is fine. But you can’t be “all for” #metoo and relax when some dude is roofie-ing your punch with vodka. That’s not nice; that’s criminal.

The weird thing is that the parens are flipped in the movie musical, at least at the end. According to the Wiki, the film Neptune’s Daughter features the song. It’s performed by Ricardo Montalbán (Fantasy Island) and Esther Williams, and then by Betty Garrett and Red Skelton (clowns, mostly), “but with a comic parody twist: this time the man wants to leave and the woman is the host and wants him to stay.” Quote is Wiki; video is YouTube:

Context, as always, is interesting.

Anyway. In my HV post, I touted John Lennon’s “So This Is Christmas.” It’s still an all-time classic. And it was just re-recorded by Miley Cyrus, Mark Ronson, and John’s son Sean. You can stream the audio on YouTube, or watch those folks on last week’s SNL.

Happy Christmas, and Happy Holidays from the LN family. We hope you and yours have time together to make memories. Best thoughts for the people who are sick or gone. And best wishes for a happy and healthy 2019. I’ll talk to you next year. (Don’t worry – ECM’s 31DOD posts will continue through the month.)

More soon.

JF

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