#This ate my brain for a bit so hopefully other people can get some enjoyment out of it

[babykittenteach]

Hi, I made an Ed picrew, and you can play with it if you want to!

Before I link under the cut, lemme explain some things.

USE:

If you're going to link other people this picrew, link this tumblr post instead of directly to the doll.

This is for playing around with so go wild. There's some very cursed combos in there not pictured above. It's cool if you post something you made with it, provided you don't remove the credit and if you are going to link, link to this post. However

Please do not use images from this to promo your fic.

INFO:

Some of the hats will change the hairstyles or facial hair. This is not a bug. It's to prevent clipping.

I've made digital dolls before, but this is the first time I've posted to picrew. I had a number of people test it out to make sure it works, but if there's something other than the hat thing above you think is broken, let me know here.

I will be adding more things eventually and will reblog this post if there's a big batch of things.

I am not looking for new item suggestions except from people I've already spoken to about it.

CONTENT WARNING: Nothing much really. It's possible to make implied sexual situations but nothing explicit, and it's wholly up to your choices.

If you’re having trouble finding something, try clicking on the palette options.

CREDITS:

Thank you to the people who gave this a beta test for me: Rat Friend, adamarks, soupbtch, ourflagmeansgayrights, Lana, impossible-seabird, and observethewalrus.

Special thanks to Rat, Danny, Jay, Eli, and especially Jess for giving additional ideas.

Black beanie is because of impossible-seabird's fantastic art.

The bowl bangs are because of margaritaville's Ed bangs agenda. The emo bangs are for Jay. There's a few other shoutouts to moots. Thank you for having me around, peeps.

Here's the doll!

[generallybarzy]

hey there, stranger. v

one, two, three, four

an: originally, I was going to end the story after part iv. That was as far as I had planned it and it felt like the perfect end, but everyone loved it so much (thank you all for your feedback, especially @fallinallincurls ily 🥺) and expressed their need to see where mat and mc go in their relationship, so back by popular demand is “hey there, stranger”! I’m sorry if things aren’t as fluffy as usual, but i promise i’ll only break your hearts a bit. I was in a mood when planning, and I have some tough things coming ahead. I'm trying to make this as realistic as possible, so I'm also basing it on irl experiences I've had and I'm digging a little deeper into mc's backstory. This is definitely going to turn into a little bit more than the comfort fluffy fic I originally planned it to be. Its gonna be a lot more complex than that. As always, feedback and commentary is appreciated!!! I don't have a Thanksgiving themed blurb written like I wanted to, so hopefully this'll hold you over until Smile Like Sunshine comes out 😌

word count: 3k

the playlist :)

Two months. 

You blinked. 

It had been two months since Rebecca Seidenberg set you up with her husband’s young teammate. It had been two months since you sat in that coffee shop in the cool mid-September and watched with stars in your eyes as Mat first approached your table as a stranger. It had been two months since you started texting each other nonstop, with the occasional date between his games and practices and your class and work. How had two months passed already? How had things gone so fast? Ended up here? Why does this already feel so intense? Why does it scare you so much?

Your eyes opened. 

You could feel the bed dip beside you as Mat rolled over, his nose in your hair, his arm slung around your waist, and you turned to gaze at him in all his beauty. He was still fast asleep, his breaths coming in little puffs of air against your face, his lips turned up at one corner in a tiny, content smile, and his hair looking especially fluffy and soft this morning, falling in delicate waves over his forehead and tickling your skin as the pale morning light shone in his window. It was a look that would have made you smile. 

But not this morning. 

Your heartbeat sped up as you untangled yourself from him as quickly and delicately as you could, needing to feel your own limbs separate from his, needing space, space, more space. You slipped away from his skin, your cheeks red and your head spinning and your heart pounding. You stepped back from the bed, watching his sleeping face as the arm that had been around you found its place around a pillow instead, pulling it closer. After a few seconds to make sure he wouldn't wake up yet, you searched his room frantically for where your clothes had been set the night before, tripping over his own things and cursing him for being so messy, even though it was cute in a boyish, Mat kinda way.

You glanced back at him in bed, his hair haloed out on the pillow, a dark contrast to the soft white duvet and pillow cases, his skin looking warm and kissable. You thought about waking him up for a moment, but you didn’t want that. You didn’t want him to see you leave. You didn’t want him to beg you to stay. 

The kiss was lingering in the air, your bodies warm and flush despite the cold mid-November air, as Mat mumbled against your lips. "Stay the night?" 

"Mat, I-" You had class in the morning, he had practice in the morning, you were too afraid to be that close and that intimate and that vulnerable with anybody ever, let alone this early in a relationship. But how could you voice that?

"I'll set an alarm." His eyes- warm and golden and searching gently- scanned over your face, looking for any sign you weren't okay but missing the obvious one completely. He was always so soft in his questions. So polite, so patient, so oblivious. You couldn't say no to him. 

"Okay." 

A familiar smile tugged his lips up, a boyish, giddy grin that had you smiling as well. He was just too cute. He leaned down to press another kiss, chaste and delicate, against your lips. The feeling was something new, something that would take a while to get used to. He laced his fingers through yours.

"So, our first sleepover, huh?"

You pulled your leggings on as fast as you could and gathered up your belongings, stumbling out his bedroom door quietly, hoping he was still fast asleep in bed and had no idea you ran out this early. Finally taking the time to glance at your phone, you noticed it was 5:48am, still 4 hours until your first class of the day. You had been awake all night, you were sure, and had left the moment you saw the sun peak over the horizon. 

You couldn’t explain exactly why you were leaving so soon, so frantically, but something inside of you was begging you to run. From Mat, from his apartment, from this building. Back to where you were familiar and comfortable and safe. Safe, safe, safe. As much as you hated it, you still couldn’t feel safe in anybody’s arms, not even Mat’s. Not even when you craved so desperately to be loved by him and to love him back. Your heart and body craved his touch, his skin, his warmth, but your brain rejected it. You didn’t feel safe yet. You still couldn’t hold Mat or be held by Mat without thinking of him. 

You glanced around Mat’s apartment as you finally closed his bedroom door behind you, your mind drifting to the night before.

“So,” He laughed nervously and dropped his hand to rub the back of his neck as he opened the door. He was just a bit shy to show you around, his cheeks going pink, despite the ever-present grin that told you just how happy he was to have you here with him. Shyness was cute on him. “So this is my place.”  

The door swung open and he let you step in before him, taking in your new surroundings. Your boyfriend’s place. It wasn’t dirty at all. In fact, it was cleaner than you expected for a young, rich bachelor like him, but it was obvious he hadn’t lived on his own before, and was used to just letting it all out. Not used to having visitors. Any girls he brought home would be too caught up in the fact that he was hot and successful to care if he had some socks on the floor or some dishes in the sink. But under the hint of boyish mess, it was obvious this apartment was expensive. You knew from the second you stepped inside the apartment building that you would never be able to afford a place like this, but seeing it now… all the way from how spacious it was and beautiful the light color scheme was to the pale floorboards to the white marble of the island countertops to the huge windows looking out into the million dollar view of the city. Few people in New York City could afford a view like this. 

“Wow.”

“You think?”

“Are you kidding?” You looked back at him, at the dumb modest smile on his face. “Mat, I will never, ever in my life be able to afford this. And you have this place all by yourself at twenty-two?” He just shrugged, finally shutting the door behind him and taking your bag off your shoulder, setting it on the countertop. “It’s so pretty.”

“I mean, I didn’t decorate it. I flew my mom in to help. That’s all her.” 

It made you smile, the thought of such a big-time NHL player flying his mom across the continent just so she could help him decorate his place. It was always a good sign to see someone with such a healthy family relationship. It was so intimate and beautiful to get to see this side of Mat. This was his home. This was where he fell asleep, woke up, brushed his teeth, ate breakfast, sat on the couch to watch TV. This was his private life. And now you were in on it. 

“It’s not that amazing, anyway. It’s big and expensive, but that’s no fun if I’m all alone.” His eyes caught yours, his fingers found their way back between yours. “How about we… recreate earlier tonight? Maybe watch The Office like you mentioned the other week?”

Your breath caught in the throat, but you squeezed his hand. “We can do that.”

You could kick yourself now, for giving in so easily. You wanted to hug him and kiss him and hold him, but another part of your head was so scared to jump in so fast, that you almost said no. You almost said no, but how could you follow him the whole way to his apartment, kiss him, tease him like that, and then deny him anything else? How could you say no? You cast a glance towards the couch that you had spent so much time on the night before, curled up in Mat’s arms, unbelievably tense and nervous and awkward. There was no way it had been enjoyable for him. It certainly wasn’t for you. 

With your heart aching and needy, you gave one last glance back through his apartment, listening carefully to see if you could hear any soft snores from his bedroom- you couldn’t- before slipping on your shoes and slipping into the hallway, locking the door behind you so that you couldn’t even get back in if you changed your mind.  

You were torn.

Mat arms were curled around your waist, your back was pressed against his chest as you snuggled under the blanket and watched all the shenanigans the characters were going through in The Office. If you could even call this snuggling. You couldn’t help how tense you were and how hard your heart was beating. 

“You comfy?” Mat’s nose pressed to the top of your head, squeezing you lightly. He must have noticed.

“Sorry, just not used to this.”

“Well, you better get used to it.” He laughed a little bit and you smiled too. As nervous as you were, you couldn’t deny how nice it felt to finally have someone to hold again, even if you might end up hurt in the end. “Would you be more comfy if you took your bra off?” 

You almost choked on your own spit. "What?"

"I mean, I'm not gonna make you take it off, and I don't know what it’s like to wear one, but from what I’ve heard, there's no way it’s comfortable to sleep in."

"Well, I don't want my boobs pressed all over you."

"I want that." His cheeks went a little pink and his eyes widened. He shook his head and laughed, brushing off what he just admitted. "No no no that’s not what I meant. Sorry, I just want you to be comfy. I want you to feel at home around me." 

“Hmm, I do feel at home around you.” 

“Good.” His lips found your forehead, an action that was starting to feel more and more natural after your very first kiss earlier that night. You were just beginning to relax some more when the episode finished and Netflix asked you for the third time that night “Are You Still Watching?”. You hand found Mat’s arm and you shifted to roll over and face him, smiling up at his face when your hair tickled his nose. “Hey there, baby.”

“Hey.”

“Think it’s time to go to bed?” 

You couldn’t explain it. You couldn’t explain why you felt this way, You had complained for months about how lonely you were, how dating never went well for you, but the moment you met Mat, you refused to believe it. Mat was amazing. You’d never felt this much, this soon about anyone else in your life. Only once had the feelings gotten so near to this intensity, and you could still remember how painful it turned out. It still haunts you every day, no matter how much you tried to escape it. Mat was so perfect to you, too perfect to you, that there was no way this was real. Nothing is this perfect. Nothing was this easy and flawless and simple. Things didn’t just fall into place like this. Not for you. So as you lay in Mat’s bed that night, his arm around your waist and his breath warm against your head, not even realizing what had slipped from his lips in his half-asleep daze, you realized: this was way moving too fast. Mat was going way too fast, and you weren’t there yet. 

You came to regret your decision to leave so soon before you even made it down to the front door of his apartment building, and a few minutes later you found yourself in the back of a Taxi, gazing wistfully at Mat’s contact number and knowing he was still blissfully asleep, thinking you were still in his arms. 

And as you drove away, Mat was waking up in bed alone, like always, and wondering what he had done wrong. 

---

You moved almost like a zombie through your first classes of the day, luckily you could just go home and read the textbooks and pretty much understand the whole lecture, and the first time you spoke was when you went out for lunch with your roommate and best friend. She found you in the popular campus coffee shop, your forehead down on the table and your hair a mess, your backpack of textbooks tossed haphazardly on the floor beside you. “Woah, girl, rough night?” 

“Fuck.” 

“Can I take a guess and say it has to do with this perfect guy you’ve been seeing?” 

“Ugh, Maggie……”

“I’ll take that as a yes.” She sat down across from you as you finally lifted your head, only to slump back in the booth, still dwelling on the thought of what had happened the night before. “So, tell me what’s up.”

“Well, I’m running on zero sleep right now.” 

“Shit, did you sleep together last night?” 

“No, no! Girl, you know me better than that.” She held up her hands in mock surrender. 

“Hey, he sounds so perfect, I would have sucked his dick by now.” You laughed at her antics, always one to make you smile. “Well, then what happened?”

“We just… I told you we were babysitting together, right? We… walked to his place afterwards and…. We kissed.” She squealed for you across the table, but you continued on. “I stayed at his place all night. We just… cuddled and watched The Office.”

“You’re dead-ass living the dream!! Why do you look so down???” 

“Well, he uhhh…”  Your memory from last night flooded back to you.

You were curled up in his bed, his intoxicating scent surrounding you, his big arms engulfing you, his big Islanders hoodie swallowing you up. You were so overwhelmed by him all around you, but overwhelmed in the best way possible. His arms were around your waist, one of your was slung over his waist while the other stroked his dark hair away from his face. He smiled at you, half-asleep, and hummed in content. “I like when you touch my hair. S’cozy.” 

“I like touching your hair. It’s really soft.”

“Mmmm.” You could see the snow falling against the window, and snuggled further into his arms. For the first time since you started cuddling, you felt truly safe and warm and cared for. Like he was the first man to ever care about you like this. His hand was big and warm on the small of your back, pulling you into him so gently, so easily, but for once you weren’t afraid of the contact. Like all the hesitation you had, all the walls you had built up had crumbled down for him. You were both drifting off to sleep when a tiny mumble filled your ears, barely comprehensible as it tumbled from the dreaming man’s lips. 

“I love you...”

“Oh shit, (Y/N).”

“I know it’s bad.” You felt guilty, thinking back now, but Maggie knew your history, so hopefully she’d understand. “I feel shitty about it, but I panicked. I didn’t get any sleep. And ran off this morning and I haven’t answered any texts from him since then.” 

“Okay, that’s okay. You don’t need to be sorry for being uncomfortable when your boundaries are overstepped. But you gotta communicate those boundaries with him. And what he said, that’s a big deal, okay? Especially this early. So I get why you feel it's going too fast. It’s definitely something you definitely have to talk about. I get why you freaked out, but ignoring him isn’t going to make it better. He sounds like a genuine guy who means good but is just… a little too much for you. You just gotta talk it out.” 

You opened your phone to the messages he sent over the last few hours since you left, and only felt worse and worse.

maty: “where’d you go??”

maty: “what’s wrong??”

maty: “ohhh you probably have class?”

maty: “you should’ve woken me up, I would have taken you, i had to get up for practice anyway”

maty: "i don't like waking up alone."

maty: “are we hanging later on??”

maty: “i was late for practice, trotz is gonna kill me haha”

maty: “are you there??”

maty: “baby?????” 

maty: "what did i do???"

His hurt was evident in each message, and it made you feel like shit to read it, but your friend was right. You needed to talk. “Thank you.”

“Anytime, girl. All I want is to see you happy with the guy you’re with. This guy seems like a keeper.” You smiled, and before you could continue on, she smiled. “One more question: Is he an Islanders fan?” 

You shook your head, confused as to what made her ask and smiled internally to yourself slightly at the little fact about him that you had kept secret. “Why do you ask?”

“Well, cause I know you’re not really into sports, so who’s hoodie is that?” 

You glanced down curiously and realized that, in your frantic rush to get dressed, you had forgotten that the hoodie you had worn to bed the night before wasn’t yours. No, it was much too big to be yours. The familiar blue with “Islanders Hockey” across the chest was a dead giveaway that you had accidentally stolen Mathew’s hoodie. 

“Oh,” you fumbled and reached up to play with the strings. “Yeah, he’s a fan.” 

Your friend just smiled and gave you once last look before urging you with one last whisper of “text him” and stood up to leave the table. After a long, deep breath, you picked up your phone with shaky hands, pressed his contact and typed out the words that scared you so much, watching the typing bubbles appear.

you: “Can we talk?”

maty: . . .

[gumnut-logic]

Random writer asks:

I have a few actually 🙂 if you're happy to answer them...

1 I'm curious to know how much time you spend on writing

2 Have you ever decided to abandon a WIP for good?

3 Are you willing to read through and critique fics that others write? If so, do you enjoy doing that?

I hope these questions are ok. I'm keen to find out your answers 🙂

::hugs you lots::

I'm curious to know how much time you spend on writing.

Far too much time. I stuff most of my writing into the cracks. On a typical day I get up, get dressed, have breakfast, drive eldest child to school and then sit for a half an hour in the carpark and write (sometimes not write because I’m easy to distract). Then work until lunch. Scoff food and write a little more. At the moment these two writing sessions are usually Callisto.

When I finally get home at night and get through dinner, probably fall asleep on the couch for half an hour because I ate too much carb for dinner, I drag myself off said couch and go out to the computer. This is when I catch up with my blog, post a few things and do the evening writing – which lately has been where I write the ficlets.

If I have the weekend free or at least one day of it, I will sometimes schedule the day to be a good chunk of major fic writing, in my current case again, Callisto. Callisto is on a weekly update basis, so I need to write enough in a week to keep about a chapter ahead of the publishing schedule and hopefully not publish anything that needs major changes. Ficlets get published whenever.

The difference between this year and last year. Is that last year when I wrote in the morning and at lunch I would publish that writing, if I could, on that day. So you would get updates to big fics daily. But this doesn’t give me the flexibility to fix holes that appear in the plot. Hence this year’s attempt to slow down a little and get a little more sense into my fic. Seems to be going kinda okay so far. I dunno? Is Callisto working? :D

I work almost fulltime, run a very small business with a number of clients, am a mum with two neglected children and an equally neglected husband…who sometimes helps me with plotwork because he is wonderfully supportive :D

 Have you ever decided to abandon a WIP for good?

Yes. Me and WIPs have a historically difficult relationship. Technically, I am on the spectrum, but you wouldn’t know it by just looking at me – mostly because I’m an old fart. However, if I wasn’t as ancient as I am and was currently in school, the signs are all there and I would likely be diagnosed with a bunch of things associated with that. I’ve spent my life fighting my inability to finish things and I like to think that I have come a very long way in achieving what I have. I can keep my attention and passion on things much longer than I used to when I was younger and I have learnt to congratulate myself when I complete something rather than berate myself when I don’t.

The amount of anxiety induced by fretting over unfinished work can literally cripple my ability to produce anything. Something like this occurred at the beginning of this year where some may recall me desperately asking permission to drop all my WIPs so I could start Callisto.

My brain fritzes and I have come to the conclusion that some fic is better than none fic. I give what I can, and if a fic fizzles out, well, I have to put it down and start something new otherwise that will be the end of me writing anything. So yeah, there are some fics that I will likely never finish, but they are sacrifices for future fic that I might finish.

I have to give myself permission to do that.

But the WIPs are still there and I think of them more than I should. I may return, I don’t know.

 Are you willing to read through and critique fics that others write? If so, do you enjoy doing that?

I don’t generally beta fics anymore. I don’t have time – see schedule above. Any time spent on beta-ing is time I lose for writing or other tasks and I just don’t have enough of it.

Also, I am a bastard of a beta. I’m naturally incredibly pedantic and my red pen is savage. No one wants me to do a full beta on their fic, trust me. Not even my fic lives up to it.

I do readthroughs for a select few, however, and they read mine and assuage my negative voices. I do try to encourage writing and creating as much as I can.

As for whether I enjoy it…proofing is a necessary part of writing, however it is one of the less enjoyable and I am incredibly impatient. Last year, I posted bits that I didn’t even readthrough at all. I do not recommend this method. You got all the errors. But generally I do readthrough my work at least once. Callisto is getting multiple readthroughs for both proofing and plot monitoring so theoretically should be of a little better quality than the average one of mine.

But no, proofing is not my favourite task. And proofing other people’s work means I have to slow down my reading enough to pick up mistakes and I don’t get to enjoy the story as much. So yeah, would rather just inhale fic, curled up in bed and enjoy it. But we all need more eyeballs on our work, so we do this because it is needed.

Thank you so much for asking and I hope these answers were what you were looking for ::hugs::

Nutty

(nuts)

[i-jus-wanna-writehappy]

Kissing Powers

Pairing: Scott Summers x fem!mutant!Reader

Warnings: none, I believe, question mark??

Author’s Note: Yo, this is the oldest piece in my drafts you guys. Hopefully it is enjoyable :)

Tags: @thotyana-in-this-hoe @neeadinghugs 

Masterlist

*          *          *          *          *

"Really? You've never heard of her?" Scott questions Kurt and Peter. The two boys shake their heads, making Scott sigh in frustration before walking away. After a second lap around the mansion, Scott settles for grumbling his way to the library, peeved that not a single one of his peers could or were willing to tell him about you.

Just as Scott goes to sit down, Hank calls out to him, “Hey, Scott, the professor wants you in his office.” Scott groans as he places his hands against the armrest of his chair and drags himself up. The last thing he needs right now is to be in trouble with the professor. Is he in trouble because he glued Peter’s shoes to the ground last week? Is it because he ate the last of the Lucky Charms and convinced Jubilee that she had the last bowl?

All the way to the office, Scott thinks of what Charles could want him for, and all of the options help to sour his mood more. The door to the office is open, and the first thing Scott notices is you, sitting in the chair in front of Charles’s desk. “Ah, here he is, Scott, I’d like to introduce you to Y/N. She is our newest addition and I was hoping you could show her around as I have an important meeting to attend to.”

Scott smiles softly, knowing what Charles is doing - he’s been asking around about the kissing mutant arriving all day - but still can’t stop his mouth from being skeptical, “I thought you held your meetings after dinner?” Lifting his eyebrows, Charles gestures to you, “You’re right. Would you prefer I held off my meeting and show Y/N around myself?” Now, Scott’s brain is all on the same page. He actually almost rolls his eyes at his foolish comment, but instead, he waves a dismissive hand at Charles, “No, no, you’re right. I’m happy to show you around, Y/N.”

Spinning in your seat, you give a short nod to Scott before turning to Charles, “Thank you for everything, Professor. I’m excited to work with you.” Your demeanor changes completely as you join Scott. Truthfully, he’s a bit offended. Yeah, sure, maybe the Professor was impressive in his heyday, but he can’t be so great now that even looking at Scott nearly disgusts you.

“So, is there anything you wanna see first? Rooms, the land?” Scott asks after ten steps of agonizing silence. Your answer surprises him more than anything he’s ever encountered, he believes. With a completely straight face and not a chuckle in sight, you rest your hand on Scott’s arm, “Yeah, hey, do you mind if I kiss you?”

For a moment, Scott just opens and closes his mouth, trying to make sure he heard you correctly, but then, just as he’s sure his mind - or Jean’s - is playing tricks on him, you ask again, “Scott. Can I kiss you?” Yep, definitely real. “Yeah, yeah. I mean, if you want to you can, you can kiss me. If you want.” Scoffing, you shake your head, “I have to more than want to. Do you care if I kiss you on the mouth, or do you prefer somewhere else? Each kiss is different and will have different effects on our relationship and what I see, so you can choose whatever you think will be the most comfortable.”

It is absolutely blowing Scott’s mind how nonchalant you are about kissing an absolute stranger on the mouth, an act so intimate and emotional - “Oh! That’s what you do right? Kissing people, you get emotions and stuff.” Scott doesn’t let you answer before he’s nodding, “Okay. You can kiss me on the mouth.” At the thought, Scott’s heart starts accelerating it’s pumping speed.

You, on the other hand just give an anemic smile and cup your hand around the back of his neck. The approach is much more tender than he thought it’d be. Scott was expecting a quick, hands-free peck or a tug of his shirt, but pulling him closer the way you are - he may be reading into it - definitely seems like a romantic move more than one born of necessity. Your lips press together slowly, and Scott thanks everyone above him that he has been remembering to regularly moisturize his lips because he will make it his mission for you to be thinking about kissing him again once you’re through here.

Cradling your face gingerly like he’s seen guys do in the movies his mom loves to watch, Scott inhales a large breath through his nose before taking control of the kiss. He doesn’t speed up or try to shove his tongue down your throat, but instead, meshes your lips in long, soft sessions of sparks before slightly readjusting for the next installment. He isn’t a kissing expert, but Alex always said that kissing was as natural as walking once you got your feet on the ground or your lips together.

Scott doesn’t pull away until he runs out of breath - this takes a while as he spent lots of time swimming and hoping to develop gills and the ability to live underwater as a child - and when he does, he does it slowly, first separating your lips while still keeping his nose and forehead pressed to yours. Dropping his hands, Scott breaks all contact and gauges your expression. Your eyes are shining and a smile is tugging at the corner of your lips. Scott, of course, doesn’t want to toot his own horn but root-a-toot-toot.

“That was different than any other first kisses I’ve had.” You say to Scott as you resume your walking. He’s a bit upset that you’ve caught your breath so easily, as he still feels like he’s run a marathon, but Scott just lets those thoughts roll off of his shoulders and he catches up to you, “Because it was so good?” Scott asks. You see his eyebrows lift behind his clunky glasses and can’t help but laugh a bit, “Mostly because I pull things from whoever I’m kissing. I got what I needed to develop a relationship for us in my mind, a lot of how you feel about me, if the kiss wasn’t telling enough, your thoughts did it all.”

At your confession, Scott groans, “I didn’t know you could do all of that... But it was still good, right?” Before you can answer, Ororo steps out of the door on your right and leans against the doorway, “Was what still good, Scott?” Knowing she was eavesdropping since you rounded into the long hallway, Scott groans again, but you have absolutely no qualms about what you do or have done, so you happily speak up, “I had to kiss Scott and he was asking how it was after I commented on how different it was from the other times I’ve kissed people. Do you mind if I kiss you?”

Scott just barely holds in a gasp at your question. Sure, he knows you have to do it, but he was hoping you’d need some time to recover from your kiss, or at least savor the taste a bit, but here you were, merely seconds later requesting to kiss Ororo. Part of Scott, that slightly selfish part, is hoping she’ll say no, ask you to wait, but instead, Ororo shrugs, “Sure.” And just like that, with no more questions or nerves to shake out, you step towards Ororo and kiss her mouth chastely. There is no touching or holding, which is a relief for Scott, and when you step back, there is an emotion in your eyes for her rather than the level-eyed boredness you addressed her with before. Ororo knew well who you were, Scott had spent all day talking about you, so sending him a sly smile, Ororo clears her throat, “That was good, right?”

You can’t help but to chuckle, but Scott just takes your arm and continues pulling you down the hall, “Very funny, Ororo, you should take your jokes on the road, away from here." Straight ahead, Scott sees two people who heard him rambling on about you this morning and he knows that if they see you, they’ll stop you and if they stop you, you’ll ask to kiss them, and honestly, he doesn’t really feel like watching you kiss anyone else just yet, so he does what makes the most sense. Scott takes a sharp left and pulls you into his room.

"So that, you, you have... Are you gonna kiss everybody?" He asks, releasing you and doing a quick pace of his room. You give him the most apologetic smile you can muster, "Pretty much. It's like an itch, you know? It almost burns to meet someone new and not at least ask them if I can kiss them. It's how I open up, Scott. I have no emotion towards people I haven't kissed before, and a genuine lack of any emotion is difficult. If this is about our kiss, I did really like it, and I would like to do it again -" Scott perks up at this, smiling proudly, "You would? You did?" His enthusiasm is adorable and you can't help but laugh a little as you answer, "Yeah, but that won't nor can it diminish my need to kiss other people, especially ones I interact with on a regular basis. I only have to do it once, but it still has to happen.”

Scott nods his head sheepishly, feeling himself being called out in the explanation. “Yeah, yeah, that makes sense, sorry.” Giving him a pointed look, you show your acceptance with a small smile and a twitch of your eyebrows before heading towards the door. Making a quick, and probably dumb, decision, Scott rushes in front of you and presses his back to the door, “You said you only have to kiss someone once, but are you allowed to kiss someone more than once? Is that okay?” You know where he’s going, but you level your face and play ignorant. If he’s going to do this, you’re going to make him work for it. “I suppose, I wouldn’t really gain much. Unless of course, the person in question is very good at hiding their emotions or motive, then it may be revealed in the second kiss, but ultimately, yes, it’s alright. Did that answer your question?”

Scott sputters for a moment, because technically, you did answer the question. “Well, yeah, but I was - can I? Do you mind if I kiss you? Again, I mean.” You roll your eyes fondly and connect your mouth to his. This kiss doesn’t last anywhere near as long as the first one when you hear a popping noise and look behind you to see a blue mutant standing there. He begins to apologize immediately, and Scott tries to open the door and pull you out of the room before it’s too late, but before he can grab hold of you, you step away from him and towards Kurt, as Scott called him. “Do you mind if I kiss you?”

[gotgifsandmusings]

A Wedding in Sunspear: Dany IV gifcap

Tumblr filters think they can censor this work of art?! Welllll it’s back, along with my original intro from 2018, starting below!

Before I attempt to gifcap the latest beautiful, heart-stopping, breathtaking, life-changing chapter of A Wedding in Sunspear, Julia’s thematically deep and dramatically satisfying pre-canon canon-compliant ASOIAF fic Austen meets Martin in Dorne and has a culture clash baby... I need to Martell shame myself. She posted it at the end of May, and it’s a goddamn Dany Gargalen chapter! What the hell, me?? A job and adjustment in a new city is no excuse!!

However, she celebrated a birthday the other day, so between that and a very Canadian harvest celebration that occurred today, I can post this gifcap without it feeling too arbitrary! Hopefully you find it entertaining, though please be sure to read the darn thing first!

Where we last left Dany...

Yup, she and Maron in their half-fucking state were discovered by Loree, setting off a chain if events wherein Olenna ate pie, the groom threw a shit fit over not marrying a virgin, Loree had to pull rank on her husband-to-be which includes but is not limited to an order not to give him any more alcohol across all of Dorne, Maron fucked a sex worker because he was so upset about his commitment to Dany not being taken seriously, and Ormond got pocket-vetoed by his friend with benefits.

That takes us to the night before the wedding, where Dany is crammed into a bed with with six other ladies.

Shockingly, she wakes up a bit before morning. Even more shockingly, Loree is already up and staring out the window.

It’s the FREAKING TITULAR WEDDING, GUYS!

Dany wants to go talk to Loree, but freezes for a second. You see, she had spent a whole day mad at her cousin, and in 15-year-old language, that’s basically a decade.

However, cooler heads have prevailed. You know, heads belonging to Joleta and Maron of all people. And they both think as long as Dany holds her ground, Loree will give in.

So Dany decides to confront Loree, where she’ll be ~firm~ and not emotional. Loree will clearly give in.

She subtly lets Loree know she’s there

Loree tells her she should still be asleep, which is pretty rich considering she’s all:

Apparently it was quality time for herself. Dany realizes it’s a hint for her to leave, but she’s just so thrilled to have caught her alone that she’s sure this is a good time to press the Maron issue.

She tells Loree she gets why she said what she did, and Loree is pretty impressed.

Dany’s a bit miffed by that reaction, but tells her cousin eventually she’ll see how serious she and Maron are about each other, and that this wasn’t just a young flight of fancy.

But Loree’s all

Dany takes this with much aplomb.

She insists that they’re in love and she wants his babies. Loree tells her that’s not how this goes.  

So Dany’s like

And Loree’s basically, “yeah. We’re in the same boat.”

Dany really has no come back to this, so she points out how shitty Eliott’s been, and how Loree shouldn’t be fine marrying this dude.

But Loree won’t raise her hand, because duty. Instead she’s points out he has some positives...somewhere...

Dany’s like, “you’re just not into him because of HENRICK.”

Also that she was happy. Loree isn’t sold.

She calls it a mistake, and when Dany presses the matter more, Loree says that indulging her feelings was the mistake, since she knew it was a weakness from the start.

Dany tells her it would have been brave to stay with Henrick, just like Prince Duncan was.

Sadly, there’s a great counter example in the shape of Prince Daeron that’s been hanging around this whole time.

Dany maintains that they will sing songs about Jenny for years, but Loree’s just like, “yeah those aren’t the songs I want sung about me, and I hope you feel the same.” Dany’s brain is just kinda

But there’s no real comeback. So she just says Loree hates herself and is trying to bully Dany into agreeing to feel better. Which mildly breaks her cousin.

Trystana fortunately comes bursting into the room, yelling about how they didn’t sleep, and there’s tons to do, and they both need to get ready.

Dany is pushed into the fastest bath ever along with the other ladies, and barely dressed before it’s time for breakfast.

Of course Loree’s already there with her hair perfectly done, since she gets a bit of priority.

But Dany’s just fuming because she can tell Loree is faking all her wedding-day happiness.

She tries to make best of this inane chatter, though Lysanne Manwoody talks about how excited she is to see the Reachmen react to Loree’s not 100% chaste dress. All the women then talk about how nice their packages look.

Trystana kind of fakes outrage at this, and points out that she “felt the solemnity” of her wedding.

Loree immediately stops smiling, while her mom is just like, “Yeah, that’s our gregarious Loree.”

However Dany sees this as a great opportunity to push her point more, and is like, “Yeah it’s so serious and holy and should be 100% what someone wants or else they’re lying to the GODS.”

Loree just responds with, “Oh I agree and I’ve never been more serious in my life.”

She goes off to get ready with that, as does everyone else.

And of course, Loree is totally understated when all is said and done.

Though she has a moment where it looks like she’s about to cry, so Lenelle orders everyone else out.

Joleta’s just like, “yeah obviously she’s panicking..” So everyone has to sit outside the door and pretend this isn’t a very transparent thing that’s happening.

However, finally Loree calls out that she’s ready.

Elda and Genna spread the train out, and all six women need to help lift the stupid thing, like they spent hours practicing.

Though somehow Trystana still feels the need to remind Dany not to let it touch the ground.

Of course stairs are the worst bit of it all

They all pause in front of the Tower of the Sun, because of course the stupid thing needs minute adjustments, but Loree puts a stop to it after a point.

So they head through for even more stairs leading to the courtyard, where a crazy amount of people are there to catch a glimpse.

It’s very quiet, which oddly reminds Dany of her Grandma Dany’s funeral. It’s almost like giant spectacles have similar levels of stress and no actual enjoyment for those involved...

The smallfolk are into it though, chucking flowers at Loree as they all make their way down the path towards Nymeria’s Sept.

When they get there, there was so much incense that Dany can barely make out the altars.

Other great ladies are there to pray with Loree, including Olenna and Friend Besto

Eliott’s mom Serra is there, a reader favorite after her wonderful “how to make marital rape pleasant” speech!

She tells Loree she looks “As lovely as the Maid Herself.”

It’s time for everyone to pray, so Dany of course decides to pray for the most important thing she can think of:

And apparently they pray for like..an hour? Even Rhona seems restless, of all people.

After a certain point...maybe another hour...Loree even seems to be nodding off (or passing out from the overwhelming incense).

So Lenelle calls over a septon, who proclaims a blessing, mercifully putting a stop to it all. They all get up, with everyone’s legs having lost circulation.

What a romantic affair!

They head out of the sept to the courtyard again, though most smallfolk left to line the streets. However here comes the real hurtle: get Loree and her giant dress into the litter. So Elda and Genna just scrunch it up and throw it in.

Everyone else has to cram in as well.

Trystana tries to get Loree to eat, but she just gives it all to Dany.

Aaand they move, and are soon on the streets where, you guessed it: even more people are waiting to call Loree’s name and greet her. So she pulls back the curtain so everyone can see how happy she is.

NOW IT’S OVER!

[at-night-his-song-is-with-me]

The Second “B”

I wrote about the first “B” recently, which means there are others. There are three; here is number two:

Bipolar.

I met with a new psychiatrist almost a month ago. He gave me a short spiel about how medication is the easiest fix, that it will be hard work done through counseling that will make the real difference, and so on. As someone who has been working hard in counseling on and off (mostly on) for the last nine years, those kinds of messages are not effective. I know counseling is important. I know I’m not going to get better without my own hard work. To remind me of that, when his job was to tackle the medication, seemed to imply that I wasn’t putting forth that work—that I wanted a quick, easy fix without having to do anything myself. I was frustrated, to say the least.

He diagnosed me with Borderline while I was in an inpatient unit for suicidal intent. But the few times I’ve met with him (twice on the unit, once a few weeks after), he didn’t want to hear about my symptoms, my struggles, what was going on... he barely gave me the time of day. If I hadn’t related so strongly to what I’m reading in Shari Manning’s Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, which was my own research into the diagnosis, not something he suggested, I would question whether he only diagnosed me with Borderline because of my self-harm.

But let me tell you about this past December:

I would typically wake up around 7am, often for work at 7:30. Sometimes I would fly around my suite to run out the door within five minutes; other times I would lie in bed, not moving, for a full three hours, mentally yelling at myself to move, to get up, to roll over and get out of bed, until—exhausted—I dragged myself up to start the day. I would pull on some clothes, hopefully anything that was clean and not too wrinkled from never having made it to the closet, use the bathroom, brush my teeth, and stare at my shoes for 25 minutes until I was able to make myself bend over and put them on.

For a few hours almost every morning, roughly 8am - 11am, I would sit fairly non-responsive, wishing I were dead. Sometimes I could fake some semblance of functionality—go to work, go to a class, go to church. Inwardly I would think longingly of suicide. But it’s hard to walk to the store to buy bleach to kill yourself when you can’t stand up without feeling light-headed and exhausted. So I would sit there, trying my hardest to engage and function, while a seeping numbness and lethargy spread from my hands to my arms and to my feet. If someone touched my shoulder or suddenly asked me a question, I could usually respond out of reflex. But anything I wanted to say or do was almost entirely out of reach. 

My norm was a lack of interest or pleasure in doing things. My norm was intense suicidal thoughts every morning. My norm was lethargy, weight gain, sleeping far too long, poor concentration, overwhelming sadness, inability to get out of bed, and marked hopelessness.

But none of this is new. This has been the norm since 2009 at the latest.

However, by the end of last semester, a growing change from the past couple years had climaxed. For most of Fall 2018, I slept only 2-4 hours a night, contrasted with my typical 9-12. Sometime between 3 and 7pm, almost every day, I would rise out of the suicidal depression I just described. Great, right? Except it wouldn’t stop rising. Within the span of a couple hours (sometimes less than 20 minutes), I would go from being so slow, lethargic, and non-responsive, to being uncontrollably hyper, loud, impulsive, and restless. A little bit is enjoyable. A moderate amount is tolerable. But I started feeling guilty spending time with my friends, because I couldn’t tone down my volume. Because I couldn’t sit and listen and engage in a normal conversation as my thoughts were unfollowably bouncing everywhere and gushing out of my mouth.

I usually first noticed the fidgeting. For most of my life, I’ve been a still, contained individual. Even leg-shaking is uncommon for me. I would notice the leg-shaking start, which usually progressed to shaking out my hands, which would progress to jumping in place and dancing and urging my friends to walk faster with me, sometimes even escalating to running outside around a building to try to burn off some of the restlessness.

Those nights I would also be impulsive. I once jumped in a large puddle at night in the middle of December in a dress, soaking and freezing myself up to my thighs, then did it again at the next puddle because I couldn’t help myself. I almost ran outside in a hailstorm. I ate an entire 8 oz. block of cheese in less than 5 minutes without realizing it. I almost spontaneously kissed a boy I was not dating.

I couldn’t slow my brain down enough to focus on my textbooks, upbeat music that still seemed too slow, or meaningful conversations with people. I would try to go to sleep, often around 3am, but whether I would fall asleep within a reasonable amount of time was entirely hit or miss. By the time I finally fell asleep and calmed down, it was nearly time to get up again. And the cycle would start over. Severe depression for a few hours, a few hours of almost normalcy, then the rest of the day out of control. Someone once described, from their external perspective, the emotional whiplash I seemed to go through on a daily basis, and that was even before it had escalated to this severity.

Fortunately, toward the end of last semester, I was prescribed Saphris and Lamictal, medications to tone down mania and help lift depression, respectively. I’ve been back on those two for about a month and a half now (I had some glitches and ended up off them for a little while), and I no longer feel like my mood and energy are careening out of control on a daily basis—no longer swinging from unbearably low in the morning to frighteningly out of control in the evening. For the first time in 9 years, medication seems to be doing something.

I’ve tried depression medications for most of the last 9 years. It has not been a quick and easy fix to find one that even does anything noticeable. I’m no psychiatrist, but what I’ve described here is more than ‘emotional dysregulation from lack of coping skills.’ These days I’m not struggling with mania or hypomania (again, I’m not a psychiatrist) nearly as badly as I was a few months ago, since I started the Saphris. The depression is still nigh unbearable a lot of the time (we’re going on day 5 of nearly non-functional), but at least one end has been tamed. And a pervasive low is definitely different from how out of control I felt last semester.

I’m going to see a new psychiatrist in about a month (my last one recently referred me, which might be for the best, all things considered). I hope she can help me better manage the depression side of things. On days that the depression is not quite so bad, it’s a lot easier to try to manage the Borderline. I know I have to put the work in, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need to be better equipped (through medication) as I do so.

~soli Deo gloria

[canaryatlaw]

So today was pretty chill. I started it out by deciding that sleeping until 10:40 wasn't good enough, and I was gonna blow off low level responsibility by saying I wasn't feeling well, so I sent the email (or, I thought I sent the email) and went back to bed till 2, lol. Hey, I really need the sleep when I can get it in the coming days. So I ate breakfast and dicked around for a little while before once again hitting the books for 5 hours to get this damn appellate brief done. I started trying to fix the argument section based on the critiques I got on my trial brief, which took longer than expected, and, shocker, took up a whole lot more words! Who would've thought. Fixing it took longer than I would've thought, but at least it's hopefully done for now. So then I tackled the statement of the case, which I could pretty much base on what I had in the trial brief, except I had to frame then persuasively for the other side now since we had to switch sides, and work in all the procedural history- since we're at the appellate level we have to explain how we got there. So that was a bit more complicated, but I think I got it done pretty well. It's just complex with all the "legally relevant facts" and those that aren't and trying to distinguish between the two, while also not omitting relevant facts that disfavor your client....so yeah, it's complicated lol. But I finished just around 8 which was generally my aim- I find once it hits 8 pm if I don't stop working and let me mind start to shut down (unless I really really have to keep working, in which case I will) I have a harder time settling down and working down my energy to fall asleep. Like I don't have any issues working for 5 hours straight, I just need time to wind down after. So I'm up to 7400 words now, with our word limit being 8750, and there's still a good bit I need to add, mostly smaller sections but they do add up, but I think I'll be able to make it work. I'll probably hit the summary of the argument next and try to knock out the major components first. Somewhere in the middle of this I get on my phone and realize the email I wrote when I was half asleep didn't actually send, so as far as anyone knew I just didn't show up....oops. Luckily it's not a big deal at all since they had someone else being there anyway and honestly we're at the point where nobody gives a fuck anymore. So I'll just make sure to apologize to the 1L I abandoned and I'm sure it'll be fine, lol. More importantly on that note though was a text from a friend asking if I'd seen the trial ad syllabus for this week. This week is "preliminary conferences" before final trials next week, but apparently they wanted us to have a lot of shit done for the conference that we didn't know about, including tendering Pretrial motions to the other side 48 hours beforehand- meaning tomorrow, and I hadn't even looked at the problem. FUCK. And then there was the whole issue of the online access code thing (the books were supposed to come with a code for online access to trial materials, but the resold ones didn't, but thankfully my friend was able to send it to me. So I think I'm gonna email the guy on the other side that I know and see where he's at with all this and try to work it out. I mean, figuring out pre-trial motions aren't really all that difficult, so I can do it after church tomorrow hopefully anyway. Ugh, my brain was fried at this point but I at least looks through the case materials. It's a murder case with a self-defense defense and we're the prosecution. Seems like a pretty weak case for the defense at first glance, all they really have is the one guy lunged at the other, but we'll see what happens as the trial unfolds. So after all of that, I had some food and turned on my tv to find that Training Day was back on and nobody told me!!! Thanks God for my dvr though, lol, and I was only trailing live by a few minutes. I was just glad to get another episode, because we don't know how much they had filmed before Bill Paxton died, and I mean according to Katrina at HVFF they haven't even told the actors what they're doing yet, so I guess we'll have to wait and see. It was a good episode plot wise I suppose, but it did have some pretty major disconnects with reality, like the fact that Frank committed like 6 felonies in his little take down plan at the end there that could actually have gotten someone killed, lol. I'm a bit tired of the dirty defense attorney trope, just because the vast majority of defense attorneys are good hard working people and they don't deserve to be lumped in with that, but I digress. Katrina was good as always, although she's apparently sleeping with someone other than her husband, and I don't think we knew she had a husband? Lol, okay then. When that was over I switched over to trial and error to catch up which was of course highly entertaining. It manages to make me actually appreciate it even though it's legal blunders are some times pretty egregious, like debating whether a lie detector test would be admissible when they're NEVER admissible, and the idea of "pleading insanity" which isn't a thing you can plead, you pleads guilty or not guilty, and you can be found not guilty by reason of insanity because it's an affirmative defense- but you cannot essentially plead guilty with an affirmative defense that would make you not culpable for the crime.....yeah, needless to say the was a pretty cringeworthy one for me lol. Overall though it's still a very funny and highly enjoyable show. When I was caught up on that I switched over to crazy ex-girlfriend and watched a few episodes of that. Is it just me, or is Rebecca a significant amount more crazy this season than last...? Idk, it just seems like some of her choices have been like, no longer even in left field but in the parking lot outside the stadium. I still enjoy the show of course, lol, but with the episode with Heather's parents all I could was you know, Rebecca would probably be doing a lot better with those kind of parents in her life, lol. But yeah, still enjoying that. Alright, that's about it and I'm waking up at 9 tomorrow for church so it's about time I get some sleep. Goodnight babes. Stay lovely.

[krkrandstuff]

Kristin ponders about Kristin

still trying to figure myself out..

It’s hard to talk about struggling when there is nothing outwardly wrong and there has never been. Am I even struggling or am I just whining? Why can’t I move forward? Why am I stuck?

Lemme summarize and hopefully not ramble too much but this post is for me mainly, soooo, you know. My homelife has been idyllic, happy, I guess. No struggle, nothing traumatic. I’d call it vanilla. Everything was fine. Emotionally, maybe not so much, but growing up is a time of change, right?

I had some body image issues start up in intermediate school, but who doesn’t, honestly? Being a tall and fat female surrounded by petite and cute girls - I felt stupid wanting to be what they were. I shouldn’t be wearing makeup, shopping for skirts and dresses, liking ‘girly’ things, or revealing any bit of my figure. I felt I looked manly. I felt I would be an impostor. I felt that I hated them for having that whatever it was (it’s called confidence, Kristin). It was just better to avoid attention by wearing over-sized shirts and unintentionally ill-fitting jeans. How I ‘felt’ was a lie. Therapy in my early 20s helped with this and I realize now I’m heckin’ cute regardless of what I’m wearing. Oh, and I realized pink is an awesome color. Therapy.. it does help sometimes.

I’ve had some slumps of depression along with a steady stream of ‘eh’-veryday depression. I remember sitting on the playground in 4th grade tracing cracks in the asphalt with a woodchip for ‘fun’ because I had no friends in my class or in my school wing and my teacher wouldn’t let me stay inside to read. It wasn’t fun. That scenario repeated itself in sophomore year high school as none of my friends had a schedule that lined up with mine - not even lunch. We had been together constantly in junior high; to go from that to barely a glimpse of them my first year in a new building was awful (grades 10-12 were at the h.s.). While they ate together, had stories to tell from class, and did group projects together, I was alone. No amount of hanging out on the weekends made me feel like I wasn’t missing out. The following year, I was reunited with them until we graduated, and then all was reasonably well until we went our separate ways yet again.

University started. I tried being a typical college student. I joined some clubs. I did regularly go to my classes. I tried to meet people. I tried to have fun. My hometown friends were doing all these things and more at their schools, why couldn’t I? Eventually, I felt like my being there did not matter one way or the other. Miserable for a variety of reasons, I ended up transferring from one small university to another closer to home. The few people who reached out to me were surprised I was gone - I hadn’t told them as I hadn’t expected them to notice.

I tried again at my new university - joining a bible study, the anime club, and an Asian culture club. I slowly stopped trying. Again, I felt like my presence was negligible and unnecessary, so I withdrew into myself. I whittled my routine down to class, eat, screw around until everyone was asleep, study/work on projects, sleep. I would avoid the school building when I knew my classmates would be there outside of classtime. I even avoided the dining halls and c-stores if I couldn’t be there right when they opened (and were emptiest). I couldn’t focus unless the world was asleep, so working until dawn and beyond became a regular occurrence. I did all I could to avoid others while slowly drudging toward graduation.

Looking back, I can see the depression and anxiety eating at me. They still nip at my heels and make ugly reappearances, but I can mostly deal with them now thanks to therapy my parents forced me into attending due to a post-uni depression slump. The Buproprion I’m on helps some too. I just feel like there is still something more to be dealt with. Something that is still interfering with my life today.

All my life, I’ve been the worst procrastinator. Annoying assignments, enjoyable assignments, I would put them all to the last moment. In Viscom II, we got to design a CD case for our favorite band and I still could not work on it until the night before it was due. I would escape the guilt telling me to work by working on ‘beneficial’ hobbies. Reading is good for my education, so read more instead of working quite yet. Personal artwork was much the same. Why wouldn’t I work on my assignments ahead of time? Maybe it was that I couldn’t. In high school. I vividly recall cleaning the fridge at home top to bottom to prolong working on an essay. I used to blame laziness, but now I think it’s an inability to focus. Self-diagnosing oneself is frowned upon, but I do wonder if I have ADD. Eight paragraphs and I finally get to what I actually wanted to reflect on and ponder! Sorry self and any determined reader for the tangents. 

Current me, post-college, working a salaried 7:30-4:30 job, has been having struggles lately. My struggles stem from a worsening ability to focus at work and complete failure to do anything but ‘potato’ at home. I cannot procrastinate my work, certain tasks must be completed within certain time frames or our company faces consequences due to my inaction. However my brain still prefers to focus on every conversation and phone call around me so I can interject with information or a comment (sorry if I’m that annoying person, coworkers). My brain wants to think and talk about different cheesy dishes I desire to try and oh, where to buy Greek cheese to make saganaki. Let’s google that for 10 minutes at 8 in the morning for some reason (that train of thought was this past Thursday). Sometimes my brain gets overloaded listening to all these conversations while the printer is going, the phone is ringing, and someone is trying to get my attention. Sometimes I’m hopping between so many little projects that one more request pushes me to tears. 

There are times I want to scream, cry, and run away. None of those are office-appropriate behavior. I feel so wound up by pushing myself through my day that coming down from that at home takes all evening. That is what I call ‘potato-ing’. I zone out to Youtube and Reddit until it’s time to sleep and do it all over. I don’t know how people accomplish anything with their evenings. All I have as far as daily commitments are my job, a loving boyfriend, and two cats and still I do not have the mental energy for a fulfilling evening.

I used to define myself as a reader. I was an artist. I was a gamer. Except for the odd occasion, I don’t do these things anymore. I have a list of books I’ve been meaning to read, but I can’t find the energy to pick them up. I used to have a vivid imagination - much of it stemming from things I’ve read or watched. The source stopped, so I stopped having ideas for what I wanted to draw. I also can’t procrastinate at work, so drawing as a procrastination method is a no-go. I used to have a large list of fandoms I enjoyed, now I couldn’t name any. Some I did outgrow, but mostly, I haven’t been consuming new media because I can’t commit the energy to do so. When I do manage to start a drawing or a new book, I cannot stop. If I stop, I will never finish or go back to it. It is all or nothing.

The only time I feel clear-headed is after everyone has gone to sleep/away and I have had hours to unwind and I am left with perfect solitude. Only then do the inklings of my old pastimes try to make themselves known. Right now, I still don’t usually have the energy to act on them. I’m only able to write this long-ass mess as Joshua has gone to the game shop for the evening. It’s just me, the cats and, the rain outside. 

I did do some reading on ADD in women online. The checklist on ADDitude’s site resonates with me a lot and so do posts from redditors on the ADHD subreddit. I feel choked by how much ‘stuff’ I have. Not even close to being a hoarder, but I feel like I can’t keep up or keep these things organized. I shutdown sometimes at work when I feel overloaded. I shutdown sometimes at the grocery store because of the number of bodies and the noise and chaos. I feel like I can’t keep up with what people demand of me, socially and at work.  I do start the day wanting to accomplish so much and when I fail because I can’t get the ball rolling, my depression just eats that up. 

Writing this all out makes it clearer to me that this is not normal. It is not normal to feel hollow like this. There are things I want to accomplish, but I can never get to them. I can’t get moving. I feel frustrated. I feel sad. I feel stuck. 

I, and medical professionals (probably), never considered ADD might be the culprit as, despite being a procrastinator, I always finished my assignments. I can count on one hand the few that I didn’t. I was primarily a straight A student (until college). I didn’t have any obvious focus issues in class. I don’t live in total chaos (probably because my anxiety goes berserk when there is too much clutter). I’m not all over the place, at least on the outside. I look at my sister who does have ADHD and I can very obviously tell when she’s taken her meds or not. These classic symptoms don’t fit me, but the others do.

I’ve addressed the depression and the anxiety and avoidant behaviors (that I didn’t touch on here). This last beast remains to be conquered. If it’s not ADD, it’s something. Something that I can’t handle on my own.  I’m going to talk to my primary care when I go in this month. She’ll probably tell me I need to see a psychiatrist again, but this time I think I will take that advice. I’m tired of feeling like this. 

Fingers crossed for an answer and hopefully a solution. 

Thanks for coming to to my TedRamble. :P

[gotermina]

Shadow’s Dungeon Reviews: Zelda II: Maze Island Palace

Hello guys, and THIS is the Legend of Zelda Dungeon Reviews for Zelda II: Adventure of Link! This dungeon is:

Maze Island Palace

Hit the jump for the review by me, ShadowSect!

Here’s how I review dungeons (for the newbies):

Dungeon Design (15 Points): Is the dungeon linear or complex? If linear, was it meant to be linear?  If complex, does it have unfair frustration? Does the gamer have much of a choice? Is there reasoning to what you have to do?

Visuals (15 Points): Does the dungeon look the part? Is the music good? Is the dungeon believable? If not, does it impact the dungeon? Does the overall mood of the dungeon bring chills up your spine?

Gameplay (15 Points): Is there a lot to do? Does the dungeon take full use of the item you’re given? If there is no item, is there a major hook that grabs you in this dungeon? Is the playstyle repetitive and does it get in the way of your playing?

Enemies (15 Points): Is there a variety of enemies in this dungeon? Does that variety fit the dungeon theme? Do the enemies bring a challenge and are entertaining? Is the miniboss or boss good, or does it fall flat? Would you battle the enemies again?

Puzzles (15 Points): Do the puzzles challenge your brain and treat you like you’re a functioning human? Are the puzzle rewards worth it? Is there unfair consequences to getting something wrong? Do the puzzles fit with the theme? Do the puzzles involve the dungeon item?

Challenge (10 Points): Is the dungeon too hard or too easy? Is it so linear that there’s no way to get lost? Is it very possible to die in this dungeon? If it is too easy, is it a fault of the game or the dungeon? Does the challenge work with how far you are in the game?

Fun Factor (15 Points): What did the dungeon make me feel like when I was in it and when I left it? Do I want to do it again? Was it entertaining and did I ever get bored? Was it too short or too long? Is there anything to enjoy in this dungeon that doesn’t end up as repetitive?

Now, the review awaits!

I actually have quite decent memories of this dungeon, especially with the dungeon boss, Carock. But this isn’t the past, this is the now. And man did the trek through the maze kind of predict the labyrinth that is this dungeon. Let’s get through it!

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Dungeon Design (15): Linearity meets complexity I guess. Or I should say the latter ate the former, because this dungeon is not linear by any stretch of the word. Now, that could be a good thing, so let’s get more in-depth. This dungeon kind of requires that you explore everywhere for the purpose of keys, and THAT’S not exactly a good thing, since that gets rid of the reward of exploring where you’re not supposed to, which is a Zelda trend. That being said, what makes this dungeon so much different is that falling off into a hole might NOT kill you, and instead bring you to another room. It might also be the only way into that specific room. Well gee, that certainly gives points for creativity…. And frustration. But I must tell you that the latter does not exist, as you know you can die in the hole if there’s LAVA. By the way, I suggest not using the ZeldaDungeon walkthrough for this Palace, as it ticked me off with its archaic and wrong instructions on where to go. So don’t use it. Thankfully, that just made exploring more fun for me :D! 13 points.

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Visuals (15): Blue and purple bricks. This dungeon actually looks more “elegant” than the previous three. The fact that there’s no windows in this palace makes you feel encamped and trapped, which was an awesome feeling for me. I do love the sprites as well, especially for the new enemies. The rest of the visuals are a problem, but it’s a “GAME” problem and not a “DUNGEON” problem. Then again, it’s not groundbreaking, but it’s the NES. 13 points.

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Gameplay (15): Big dungeon, so there’s lots to do. Let’s start right off with the spell of the dungeon: Reflect. Why? Well, one of the new enemies in this dungeon is the Wizzrobe, which can only be defeated by their own spells, hence Reflect’s use. Also, SPOILER ALERT, the boss requires reflect as well. Technically, Fire was also received before this dungeon too, but there are no enemies that require it in this dungeon, and it’s more of an overworld tool anyway. The skill of the dungeon is the Upward Thrust, which is not required for this dungeon, but it makes it easier to get out of traps and hit Dragon Heads. Wait, scratch that, it is required to get a key. Excuse my earlier remark. Anyway, the item found in this dungeon is the Winged Boots, which is pretty useful as you need it to get to the next palace (and a Heart Container), but other than that, it’s pretty useless, unlike the item received earlier which opened up a whole new area! As for the combat, it’s still the same, and while it might border on a bit annoying at this point, as there are no new enemies that add to the formula other than a boss, it’s still challenging and equally frustrating, but more on the challenge later. Overall there’s some good and some bad, and while the good does not outweigh the bad, it’s still not a bad setup for a dungeon. 10 points.

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Enemies (15): Eh…. Not really a good lineup this time. Of course there can be dungeons with no new enemies, but for a game as old as this, it makes it harder to recommend this dungeon when there’s repetitiveness. There’s Moas, Stalfoses, Lynels, Doomknockers, Ironknuckles, Bubbles, and more of the same, with actually less enemies. And there’s actually only 2~3 Moas that DON’T RESPAWN. The only redeeming enemies are the Dragon Heads which add difficulty so you don’t slack off, the Wizzrobes that require the devilry known as Reflect (which thankfully doesn’t cost much magic at my levels when I got here), and of course, the boss Carock. Why is he hard if Reflect can defeat him in less than 30 seconds? Because if you don’t get out Reflect or kill him fast enough, he warps and attacks you at a VERY fast rate, so you do not want to flinch for even a second, or it will spell out your downfall… But other than that, the setup this time around isn’t decent, and barely mediocre. Hopefully Nintendo will pick up the slack from here, as this dungeon might possibly have the worst enemy lineup of the game, despite its RED Ironknuckles. 7 points.

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Puzzles (15): Sorry, no can do. Wait? YES THERE IS. The dungeon’s location! Does it mess up like the previous dungeon? NO. In fact, it’s a pretty cool buildup at the same time! So what is it? Why, the mountains, rivers, and hills (including hidden pitfalls) surrounding the palace creates a natural labyrinth. Yes, a NATURE INDUCED LABYRINTH. COOL! But hey, it’s better than last time, and better than most of the other dungeons, and it’s the NES. And the second Zelda game! And puzzles didn’t really come around until the next game! So let’s go with this score! 8 points.

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Challenge (10): This dungeon is close and barely scrapes perfection when it comes to its challenge aspect. Yes, the enemies do give a bit of a slight coma for high leveled people, but I can’t say the same for those who are low leveled, as it’s still as difficult as it was the last dungeon. However, the design of the dungeon does unkind towards both, and in a good way. The Dragon Heads WILL knock you into the lava, as well as the bubbles, and enemies WILL jump at you from above, and random enemies will pop up to tick you off. And the fact that there’s a lot of knockback when you land into an enemy is a huge frustration when jumping over platforms, but other than all that, the difficulty is great for a 4th dungeon, despite its frustration and “coma”-tic environment for those who max out xp. 8 points.

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Fun Factor (15): There’s not actually much for me to say here, although my memory was better than what I’ve seen. You might find Carock thoroughly enjoyable, travelling the maze a journey to a now hyped up palace extraordinary, and traversing another palace that tests you top notch. I certainly didn’t have as much fun as I might have in the past, but I digress. This dungeon may just have variable fun depending on who goes through it, and I might not know that. Nor might I ever will! Who knows! Who NOSE! See that? That’s a perfectly well-timed DW reference. Anyway, I’ve digressed far too much there, so the rating for this category? 12 points.

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Overall, 71 points. Fun. Unfortunately, there’s not a lot of depth in any specific category that could make this dungeon spectacular, but that doesn’t mean that each category shirked out on its work! This dungeon doesn’t flunk in any category except barely the enemy lineup, but other than that, I’m sure you’ll find good things with the blue blocks, sprites, and the exploration involved in another maze of a dungeon! MORE PUNS! See me next time at the Palace on the Sea, where we become Jesus!

(end)

Found some good pictures this time. Although the website for making the last one had problems…

Anyway, what do you think? This dungeon got a better rating than the previous one. Are the dungeons going to get better from here, or worse? Do you think I was being too light on the dungeon?

Anyway, if I missed anything, or you have things to say about this dungeon/review, let us know in the comments!

                                                                           –ShadowSect