#Therapy is expensive and tumblr is free

[razette]

Compulsions every night are annoying as much as distressing after reaching a certain point in anxiety management. I did that already why are we doing this again?

And then while trying to talk my way out of one compulsion I usually find myself engaged with another small compulsion hidden underneath the first. lucky me!

Id actually like to go to bed.

Save me Blorbos, Save me.

[robinniko]

i love every couple months i say i should go to therapy, and i just don’t

[nyxtalksmusic]

And I'm gonna try, and I'm gonna try again Because I can’t stand the silence of a finished sentence

And I am gonna feel alive someday for the first time

[mytortoisegotstuckinatupperware]

he's a ten but he's struggling with the unending drive of human existence in this landscape that prides movement over stillness, progression over peace, and a constant sense of drowning and near-violent-death that comes with the end of a significant period of life opening into the unknown

[emotionaldisaster909]

ah yes it was the power of love and utter rage at my own brain’s dumbfuckery

[ursulaismymiddlename]

A feelings post below the cut, read it/don't read it, I just needed to put it out there because reasons, idk

One of those days... weeks... hell, since last year (sorry, dad joke heh) where I don't feel... i don't feel worthy. I want to be... i want to feel loved, adored, desired. I'm sure I am loved, logically I know my husband loves me, and my child and my friends, but I don't feel it. Maybe it's a love language thing.. i speak one and everyone else speaks another and while I can decipher what's being given to me, it's not the same as knowing it, being fluent in it. But it's lonely when no one seems to know yours.

Certainly, my mental health issues don't help. Childhood trauma, anxiety, depression, and all that on top of ADHD and being on the Autism spectrum (which that's all fun to find out about when you're an adult 🙄)

Everything I do is wrong, every step, every decision, it's wrong unless someone explicitly tells me I've done the right thing.

I can think I'm adequate and worthy, but without someone confirming that, affirming it, it's just a conceit, a delusion. I have a good imagination, that I know at least, I can think up just about anything. It's no problem to pretend, but when there’s nothing to confirm it, then it peters back out to nothing.

I'm tired, I'm in pain, I'm broken in more ways than one and I don't know what to do.

[caricature-of-a-witch]

✨

[sunflowerrsugarr]

I want to hate you;

For what you did to me.

You took something away from me.

I'll never get it back.

It's been fifteen years.

It still hurts all the same.

I still cry about it.

I still have nightmares.

I want to hate you;

For what you did to me.

I see you all the time.

I have to put on a fake smile.

You were supposed to protect me.

You made me want to die.

People cry when I tell them.

They never knew it happened.

I want to hate you;

For what you did to me.

Do you ever think about it?

Can you even remember?

Are you even remorseful?

We used to be so close.

I want to hate you;

But I can't find it in me.

I want to hate you;

For what you did to me,

But I still love you,

Because we are family.

[caelus-the-lothrat]

If you aren't reading/writing fanfiction at boring family functions, you aren't living life to the fullest.

Am I sat at a family event writing/reader fan fiction outside while they’re inside?

Yes. Yes I am

[astroismypassion]

Astrology observations 🌸🌸🌸

Credit goes to my Tumblr blog @astroismypassion

🌸If you have Virgo Venus, you could feel like you can have the most rewarding, stable partnerships with people who have a 6th house Synastry with you. If you are Taurus Venus, you could resonate more with 2nd house Synastry. If you have Cancer Venus, you connect best with people you have 4th house Synastry with.

🌸I noticed with Mars in the 12th house Synastry is that the Mars person (who most often has secret feelings for the house person) is more "spiritual" about the connection. They have this "if it's meant to be, it will be" passive approach towards starting the connection.

🌸Venus sextile/trine Neptune in a Synastry chart means that Venus person is easily inspired by the Neptune person, hence being more creative. Meanwhile, Neptune person could have material, financial benefits from Venus person, such as getting more lavish, expensive gifts, free dinner, more clothing etc.

🌸In Synastry, when one person's Saturn is negatively aspecting the other person's North Node, they North Node person can feel like this person is slowing down their life purpose and career. North Node person feels like Saturn person wants them to prioritize them and relationship they have with them (starting a family for example, being more present in the connection) rather than their career goals and life purpose.

🌸If both people end up dating their Saturn sign, they view each other as trophies or like a most prized possession. If you have Pisces Saturn, you could see your partner with Pisces Sun as a trophy.

🌸I'm noticing a pattern that I'm starting to develop in a little theory. Often men who have for example Gemini Sun mum, often go for women who have Gemini Moon in their chart. Or if their mum is Taurus Sun, they pick a woman who has Taurus Moon.

🌸Often times people who have Scorpio over the 4th house tend to overshare and claim they are "an open book", when in reality you don't really know much about them personally or what is happening with them or their life.

🌸People who have Mars in the 9th house LOVE to travel (especially long-distance), but I noticed with them, they at some point have this weird, unique, "rebel" phase when they just rebel against travel and kind of don't want to leave their home or hometown that they are used to.

🌸Libra Moon native can expect a baby with a person that is already married.

🌸You can start feeling like they brought you closer to who you truly are at your core level around the sign over your 8th house. Like you become more you through the connection with this person, not necessarily "lose" yourself in the connection.

🌸 Partners of women who have Virgo Mars always admire their woman’s modesty and how humble they are.

🌸People with Scorpio or Aries over the 4th house might really like the gym, but also kinda dislike themselves for how much take actually enjoy it.

🌸 For fitness motivation always look at the people who share their Sun sign with your Mars sign. For example: if you have Scorpio Mars, you might be really interested in a workout routine of a Scorpio Sun, such as Kendall Jenner. If you have Cancer Mars, you might want Cancer Sun Gisele Bündchen to leak her workout routine. The same goes for if you want to have a personal trainer, it’s best if this person has Sun sign of your Mars sign, because they will be able to motivate you better than others.

🌸 Gemini Juno could have a partner that diets or often does cleanses.

🌸 People who have Neptune Ascendant aspect might view the gym as a sanctuary or like personal therapy.

🌸 Young musicians who have Capricorn Venus make songs that even the elderly like to listen.

🌸 In Synastry Venus opposite Mars can mean that Venus person can act differently at home with their Mars partner versus when they are in the public with them. While Mars person is always their authentic self at all times.

🌸 People who have Cancer or Capricorn over the 8th house could attract a partner that acts like their mother (in case of Cancer over the 8th house) or their father (in the case of Capricorn over the 8th house).

🌸 Pisces Mercury and Neptune aspect Mercury can sometimes be mentally quite lazy or passive. They would rather challenge themselves to do a task, chore physically than mentally. For example, they would rather learn how to skate than learn biology.

🌸Capricorn, Pisces, Aries and Libra Moons are prone to be more emotionally insecure, especially when in a partnership. That's why they need validation on a daily basis or often.

Credit goes to my Tumblr blog @astroismypassion

[razette]

Some 3am reflections. im gonna have to go back to working fulltime-- which ive wanted to do for ages! solves all my problems except one! buuuut i was hoping it would happen when id solved that one. that is when id brought my migraines down from 8+ migraines a month to maybe like 3?

ive decided what has me on viceral edge is... im afraid of the pain. im already in a lot of pain, work will cause more and i firmly believe the nerve pain is some of the worst a person could experience. and now i have to work with it.

gotta get me a weed card, i think. but it will be nice to wotk again.

[mercurycft]

𝐋𝐄𝐓 𝐌𝐄 𝐆𝐎 — 𝐀𝐖𝐅𝐂

## awfc x teen!player reader - TRIGGER WARNING !!

therapy is expensive but tumblr is free. i love you all - PLEASE READ THE TRIGGER WARNINGS!! APPLY AFTER THE BREAK. THANK YOU. love always - RG x

tw self harm, suicidal thoughts, angst, foul language, anger, anxiety, depression talk.

please put yourself first. do not read this if you feel like you can’t. thank you.

——— 1.1k words

it didn't hurt, didn't burn.

it didn't feel the way you remembered it to.

it numbed.

you were hot, far too hot. the heat pricked at your skin and tormented the skin of your cheeks - now tight and sticky as your tears dried. the tiles were cold beneath you, pressed up against your legs from where you slumped on the floor.

the dull ache set in as a backdrop for the muffled voices just a few rooms away. you were pleased to hear them still occupied by whatever crap was on the tv - pleased by the possibility that you could slip away without causing a disturbance.

nothing phased you anymore. instead, the scrape across your skin soothed the fire raging in your mind. it calmed your beating heart and pushed away the anxious bubble in your throat. it silenced your sobs and subdued the race of your emotions.

you didn't know how long you had been there, laying limp on the bathroom floor. in some weird way that helped, not knowing whether time had stopped or sped in your determined absence. you didn't care for time anymore, constantly torn on the ability to have more or have less. time, that is. are you an avid hater of time or a waster? did you need less or want more?

the last time you were here, you remember it was quick. short and sweet, cleaned and sorted before you had the chance to long for more. this time, however, you were quite content.

finding comfort in the chaos of your thoughts when your weight shifted, head back against the bath as you drew in a shaky breath. your eyes grew heavy in the peaceful quiet of your own personal refuge from the monstrosity of life - the life that sat on the other side of the door.

you recall memories fondly, a weak smile pulling at your cracked lips. you recall your friends, family, the people you've met and the lives you have changed - it was never enough. never enough to dismiss the disgrace that followed you. it lurked in the shadows and clung to your back like an infection - sucking the nutrients straight from the source until you were a shell. left to decay under the ever-unforgiving eyes of the universe.

you were drifting, politely fighting with consciousness as your fingers twiddled with your poison of choice. the cold of the metal dancing with your shaking fingertips. the paint from your work splashing the blank canvas of the floor - decorating the space around you with a vulgar display of your wilting petals.

'it'll be okay,' you whisper into the space surrounding you, voice hoarse as it grumbles from your throat. you were at ease as your body became weightless, right hand fighting the exhaustion as it raised perpendicular to your left wrist. unforgiving, relentless.

your body didn't argue, embracing the sting when you felt it. humming contently at the final contact before your eyes became too heavy under the iridescent lights. your arms fell to either side of you, overtaken by the tiredness that crept through your bones - intoxicating each muscle until they couldn't take anymore.

this is fine, you think. mind finally quiet - no longer buzzing. this is fine. you hear the small clang of metal to the floor, internally amused as it bounces and chimes.

you can't hear beyond your breathing now, too focused on the shallow inhales as your lungs fight to stay useful - working overtime.

two minutes, or two hours, you weren't sure. unaware of the approaching patter of feet towards the door. a soft knock is what brings you back momentarily, still grasping onto the last strands of your being.

"y/n? did you fucking fall in" katie. she has a nice laugh, you think.

she knocks again. confused by your lack of answer, concerned by the eery silence that sits waiting to greet her beyond the wood. she knocks a third time, and the silence spreads and engulfs the house. the silence was soon interrupted by the approach of more feet and bodies towards the bathroom. you can just about make out the pounding of their knocks through the ringing in your ear.

beth calls your name. no reply.

caitlin shouts about a prank. no reply.

the ringing eventually overpowers their hollering and you let the darkness behind your eyes take you. peace.

outside your almost lifeless body, away from your slack limbs, the door opens with a crash - creasing invertedly on its hinges when lotte throws herself against it. the frame split in half at the lock when it's forced out of position.

you can't recall anything after that.

you come to for a moment in the back of caitlin's car, leah sat with your head cradled in her lap and beth with your legs against hers. your eyes stir, unable to make out anything other than the throb behind them. the stab through your temple and the sting of pressure against your wrists.

leah can feel you tense beneath her and halts her shouting of directions to sweep your hair out of your eyes and study your face. the blue tint to your lips and lack of colour through your cheeks, her stomach sinks as she watches your eyes flutter.

"it's okay, sweet girl, we're nearly there." she whispers with no reply, voice cracking with a silent cry as a tear slips from her waterline. shes quick to wipe it away when she feels your head droop again.

beth has her own hands wrapped around your wrists, tea towels stained with the life from your veins by the time they arrive at the hospital. she's squeezing, keeping the pressure consistent under the order of lotte who whips her head round from the front seat every couple of seconds - careful to not distract caitlin from driving. katie's voice is coming through the car, her, alessia and viv following behind.

lotte is out of the car as soon as it stops, sprinting towards the double doors and assembling help. sobbing and gasping for breath as she directs nurses and doctors to the car parked across an ambulance bay - unbothered by the glares of passersby.

you're surrounded by people, doctors, nurses - anyone who can provide an extra set of hands. each helping to pull you carefully from the car and carrying you into the hospital.

you can't speak, can barely here and can't feel your body by the time they got you in a bed and rushed you through the halls. your friends, your people stood watching them take you away through a set of double doors. parts of them shaded by you - beth's hands. leah's lap. lotte's shirt. caitlin's arms.

silence fell upon them. the world standing still when you disappeared into the depths of the hospital. they shared the moment, a breath. no words exchanged. just knowing touches - a shoulder clash, a patting hand.

you don't pay them a thought - unbothered by their fading presence. instead, your internal monologue tried to shout above the noise of your bargaining. let me go, you beg. silently. to no one. maybe to life - maybe to death.

let me go.

[emersonfreepress]

help i'm alive

So! Long time, no see. 2023 was a whole goddamn lot lol

I don't have a demo update to share yet, but that's because I had to scrap nearly everything I managed to write during a very, very, very bad stint of writer's block last year. I hadn't even realized it had been a block like that until I went over my work so far last month and realized it was bad -- like, trust me; a slog to read that didn't even sound like me. It's been extremely frustrating but I've finally broken free of that and it's been easy and actually fun to write again for the first time in actual years. I just hate giving updates that have no actual news in them. And I really had nothing to share other than: I deleted thousands of words and feel so much better now 😅

Anyway, little about my demo plans have changed: I'm still putting out the Chapter 3 demos in Choicescript/on Dashingdon and then will be going dark to move things over to Twine. Where I am in the process right now is... feeling like 35% done with the overhauled version of this chapter and 50% done for the next demo update.

As far as asks, I'm... not really sure what to do?? I believe I've read them all (I love you guys), but so much time has passed since getting most of them that I'm not sure if it's, like... still pertinent??? To go back and answer them?? I suppose some of them like character asks could be, but all the nice messages of support -- that feels weird since I've practically ghosted this blog since August! Idk. Y'all tell me what to do with 'em and I'll do it. Maybe I should make a poll.

Uh... that's really all there is to say regarding the game! I've added some personal stuff after the cut, but if you're done here: Thanks for reading and sticking around. It means the world, for real.

So what has occupied my time all this time? Doctor, therapy, money, and friends. And improv! But especially the first two. There was a lot of non-writing related stuff fucking up my ability to focus and write, so hopefully with my mind and body both feeling a lot better, I can get back to being present and active with the game. I didn't realize how physically unwell I was until last year and it's been like... life-long issues I've been treating. It turns out it's not normal to feel exhausted enough to sleep at any given time, at all times, for your whole life! wow!!

I also uninstalled Tumblr from my phone back in February, so you could say I'm sort of generally focused on offline life. (And what an interesting coincidence that my writer's block dissipated shortly after that...) I also just moved!! The last two weekends have been so expensive and stressful -_- But I can't even compare the old place to the new. We're basically paying the same price for idek how much more space. The cats are so happy; which means the house humans get to be happy.

My schedule is finally freed up from constant medical shit (there was a 3-month stretch this winter with multiple doctor appointments literally every fucking week 🙃🙃🙃). My mental health is doing a lot better -- literally incomparably better compared to where I was this time last year. There's live comedy now (which I dabble in, to be clear lol), but I've finally found myself able to like... balance it all. The physical and creative energy that goes into it all, anyway. The lovely thing about improv is that you kinda just show up and do your thing -- it doesn't cut into my writing time so much as it costs energy. Unless I end up in this comedy debate show thing next month, which I am very excited to give up writing time for

So like... Life is life-ing and I'm just vibing. Or something? I'll be around.

Thank you all again so much for your interest, support, patience, and readership <3

[heavenlyshadowhunter]

I survived

I am being so brave today (going to a club with friends even though i can't stand loud noises)

[mintharaworshipper]

BG3 headcanons (modern AU)

My brain is full of headcanons and I need to get them out!

Shadowheart: She’s an English teacher. Always advocates for her queer students, who see her as a refuge. Loves sweets and pastries and is always carrying a snack in her backpack. Dyes her hair once a month, different colour every time. Chronically online, Tumblr and Twitter user, has the best taste in memes out of all the gang. Writes poetry and fan fiction. Grew up in a cult and lives with religious trauma, but she goes to therapy and does her very best.

Astarion: He’s a lawyer, of course. Has an impeccable aesthetic in his instagram profile, with a defined palette. Very good taste in clothing. He was physically and emotionally abused by his stepfather when he was a kid and hasn’t really worked through this trauma (Shadowheart always encourages him to go to therapy). Very close friends with Shadowheart.

Minthara: Lawyer, but has specialised in finance and has rapidly climbed the financial ladder via questionable methods. CEO of a major company. Impeccable taste in fashion. Vegan. Has a section in her closet filled with BDSM paraphernalia. Everything she owns is expensive. She’s the daughter of a powerful senator who was very emotionally abusive to her growing up. Staunch defender of capitalism. Wakes up naturally at 5 am. Does yoga and tai chi.

Lae’zel: She’s in the air force, has wanted to be since she was a girl. She’s in the spectrum and has only recently realised. Her special interests are planes and meteorology. Wakes up very early to run 10k. Extremely mindful about her eating, every meal is perfectly balanced for her specific nutritional needs.

Karlach: Non-binary. P.E teacher, works at the same school as Shadowheart and that’s how they met and started dating. Loves large dogs. They are a personal trainer on the side. Loves going to the gym and is very supportive of new people. Friends with Wyll since high school.

Jaheira: Anthropologist, environmental and anti-gentrification activist. Has lived in her neighbourhood forever and hates that it’s getting gentrified. Being a local icon and leader, a few political parties have tried to get her to run for office but she always refuses because she doesn’t trust the establishment. Has been arrested multiple times at demonstrations. She’s so devoted to her activism that she has neglected her children at times. Chain smoker.

Halsin: Environmental lawyer. Has worked in multiple NGOs. Has been to therapy. Single, not for a lack of suitors, but because he wants to find a life partner. Has been a vegetarian for decades. Has a bear tattoo.

Wyll: Entrepreneur. Devoted to The Grind™. Has taken classes on gender politics. Goes to the gym with Karlach and uploads mirror selfies. Has asked Minthara to be his mentor but she keeps refusing. Has also been to therapy.

Gale: Successful academic. Has been going through a terrible divorce with another famous and powerful academic. Excellent cook, makes his own sourdough bread. Likes the finer things in life.

Bonus: My OC, Ramona

Literature major but has no academic ambition whatsoever. She does know a lot about it and runs a literature club for troubled teenagers with Shadowheart.

Was working as a barista when she met Minthara and was immediately enthralled.

Has shared a flat with Shadowheart since uni, and they’re best friends.

She’s easily the funniest one in the gang.

Always manages to get free stuff or discounts just because of how nice and persuasive she is.

Excellent liar (white lies, mostly).

Wears recycled clothing almost exclusively, which Minthara hates.

Everyone hated Minthara when they first started dating but over time, as she changed, they managed to put up with her, even growing fond of her (most of them).

I’ve been trying to write some fics but I can’t seem to find the courage to. I enjoy coming up with headcanons more

[many-but-one]

I really admired you and looked up to you. Parts of our system were influenced by your journey to do the same. Our gatekeeper watched many of your videos and found them to be helpful. However, due to your association with a certain person, and after what I've been hearing about them influencing other systems to think they have a ramcoa history when they don't, I don't trust myself anymore. I don't know if I'm a real survivor anymore, maybe I was just led to believe I had that history due to the amount of information I was taking in from various sources. I wish I could still trust you, but I don't know if I can anymore. I also don't think it's a good idea to go into such graphic detail about your trauma. It caused me to do the same and feel that it was okay to do so. And I kept triggering other alters due to that. I kept pushing and pushing through it. And I did make progress with certain alters, but I think it really put me in an unhealthy state of mind too. I don't think I was ready to be dealing with that. Now we have a fight-reponse alter who will stop at nothing to ensure we deprogram and become free, even if at the expense of other alters and our overall wellbeing. He only cares that we keep fighting, that we tell our therapist information about our system and get her to believe us and help us, even though it's a lot for some alters. He's become a very dominant member of the system now, and has even tried to hurt persecutors before they can hurt us.

Hi anon,

I am assuming you are talking about the Legion system. Yes, I was friends with them for some time. About a year or so. However, I’m no longer friends with them and do not associate with them. I’m not sure why you think my association with them has anything to do with them trying to make people believe they have ramcoa when they don’t. I wasn’t involved in their interpersonal business with others. I apologize if this makes you feel like you can’t trust yourself or is making you go into denial, but I fail to see how this is somehow my fault.

Blaming me for sharing information about ramcoa and my trauma and saying you think it led you to believe you had something you may or may not have is not my fault. I educate about ramcoa in efforts to help others who have it. I make it very clear on both my tumblr and my tiktok that I don’t do armchair diagnoses. So you came to this conclusion yourself, and you coming to that conclusion by watching my content or reading my content has nothing to do with me. I’m not trying to influence anyone to do things that are unsafe in therapy (like deprogramming too fast), and just because you saw me talking about my trauma history made you do the same does not mean I forced you to do so. Placing all of this blame on me, an internet stranger who is well within their right to talk about these subjects, is incredibly unreasonable.

I understand you may feel betrayed by the situation that happened with Legion, but imagine how I feel? They were my best friend and I lost them to TERF ideology, even though I tried to warn them not to go down that path. And I have learned a lot of things from other people that I never knew about them, because I don’t really interact with much people online, so I was never aware of their actions outside of the ones they did with me. Learning that I was friends with someone who did some shitty stuff that I never knew about has been devastating.

However, blaming me or even Legion for how your system has chosen to heal is absurd. Because I tell people deprogramming is possible and share info on ramcoa and how to deprogram, suddenly it’s my fault that an internet stranger’s system is going about things in a way that is causing them distress? And trying to tell me not to share my trauma because it made you decide to share your trauma too? No, I didn’t make you do anything.

Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do on my healing journey. Educating the best I can and sharing The Horrors (which are always properly TW’d for the record, so you are allowed to scroll away if it’s not something you want to see) has helped our system heal, grow, and find community. I won’t apologize for doing so, but I am willing to apologize that you feel that it made you take actions that weren’t the best for your system’s healing process. However, placing all of the blame on me for this is immature and ridiculous. You are responsible for what information you take in and what you do with it. In the past, I have made it clear that my information is not a diagnostic tool and I’m not a therapist. What you do with the information I share is completely out of my control because I don’t know you and I am not your therapist.

That’s all I can really say here. I am a bit appalled that you’ve not only come to the conclusion that all of your problems in therapy/system healing are somehow my fault, but you’ve also decided to try and tell me directly that this is so. Your actions you take in healing aren’t something that I can control.

If I can offer some advice here—slow down. Help your protector alter who is trying to speed run this understand that speedrunning the healing process will only cause more problems. Help parts understand that trying to go gung ho into the healing journey before everyone is ready to go that direction will only cause more problems. And lastly, if you think consuming my content has been detrimental to your healing process, block me. Because I’m not going to be silent about ramcoa or what I went through. I will never be silent again.