#The things I do for you (I'm too far gone)
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while I see the appeal of izuku calling kacchan katsuki I think if he does katsuki should be allowed to burst into tears immediately
#am I not kacchan anymore? what did I do wrong? do you not love kacchan anymore? I'm sorry#coming from kacchan bakugou at this point they're too far gone they can absolutely never go back#there's not the same history between deku and kacchan#and even deku - the name - wasn't really hated by Izuku anymore. katsuki chose to stop calling him that because he wanted to do better#(because Izuku deserves better. also because Izuku feels so much nicer on his tongue)#but kacchan? they both like calling him that and being called that. katsuki loves being kacchan he claims very loudly being kacchan#and of course. never complained about being called kacchan by kaminari#anyways I'm reading fanfic#not me saying you can't have izuku call kacchan katsuki in your fics and have it be a good thing!#but for me I think it'll always be kacchan#anyways. I 'need to write fic#mha#mad mha ramblings//#bkdk#bnha
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❤️💛
#soft poolverine my beloved#I contain multitudes as far as trope enjoying goes (Logan likes Wade's yapping AND Logan likes to shut Wade up the old fashioned way)#(aka sticking his tongue down his throat)#(among other things but we're sticking with that for this one lol)#Wade is yapping about something#anything really because he can monologue about anything under the sun#and Logan just reaches over wordlessly and grabs his face and Wade just KEEPS TALKING#and every time Logan comes up for air Wade just starts up again#and Logan just smirks and takes a deep breath and goes back in#he gets some silence for a moment AND gets to feel that endless energy fizzing on his tongue#as Wade focuses his nervous mental energy on exploring Logan's mouth for a bit#you know they are SLOPPY kissers#just drool and teeth and tongues EVERYWHERE#I bet kissing Wade is interesting too because his tongue and lips are all ridged and scarred#anyway I just think Logan would shut him up once in a while for like hours long makeout sessions#and then peacefully go back to listening to him yammer endlessly about the minutiae of the My Little Pony Extended Universe#poolverine#deadpool and wolverine#wolverine#deadpool#kinda wip?#are any of these ever really FINISHED or do I just give up on them and move on 🫠#also dont get me wrong they def fuck nasty too#but I think Logan “Touch Starved As Fuck” Howlett would really revel in just being able to touch him lazily for hours#idk man I'm too far gone I need to be anaesthetized#deadpool & wolverine#deadclaws#wade wilson#poolverine fanart#deadpool x wolverine
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Guess who :3c (Patreon)
#My art#Webkinz#Diamond#Ukadevlog#Ghostkinz#Ta-dah! My November behind-the-scenes project was this! The poll was for this reason! Though I already knew I'd start with her haha#Have a little preview to start us off - I have Lots of thoughts to each part of development I ended up in but I want to roll them out slowly#Not everything all at once anyway haha - thoughts get all jumbled now that I'm on this side of things pft#I wasn't able to finish A Version I'd be willing to publish in just a month - even then I only worked on Ghostkinz about 3 days a week so#But for the time I spent I'm quite pleased with how its shaped up so far! :D I got to implement a lot!#Actually learning-then-implementing-then-learning-then-implementing - it's a loop I've been out of for such a long time now :0#Really interesting to fall back into after so long away haha#A lot of my other projects have been Pick Up One Thing and then do that forever and I was tired-tired of that!!#So going into this project knowing that I'd only have November to Get Guud at as much of it as possible and then that was it#I think it helped propel me - didn't end with me getting stuck on Perfecting Just This One Thing#I'd read a bit and then go utilize it and then come back and read some more of Zarla's template/walkthrough - compelling system!#I still couldn't manage to actually finish in a month but I got up to Phase 4!! Previous attempts at Ghost-making has gotten stalled at 1!!#Maaaybe 2 but never anything beyond that - and while I didn't actually Finish any Phase apart from 1 I still read through much much more!#On top of the learning aspect being fun �� getting to understand some of the more technical side ahh - it was also just fun to read haha#Like a course that can be silly hehe ♫ Enjoyable even outside of getting to make a little guy for my screen haha#But also yes that too!! I'm really glad I finally settled on an idea that I feel confident in seeing through#The best part about reaching for the Webkinz style is that Webkinz uses vectors - I've gone on record multiple times as loving vectors#They're an exceptionally easy medium to manipulate and that was The Thing that had been holding me back from committing to Ghosts prior#Drawing every single thing when I already struggle to plug in my tablet...no...... But Vectors#You can see here that Diamond's expressions are just a matter of tilting her head and moving her tail - so so soooo simple with vectors#Being able to super-quickly put out a lot of different expressions and animations and piecemeal everything together...yes..........#And for what further I have in mind :3c It's really all I could ask for in an art style to seek ah ♪ Just right for my purposes!#I thought it'd be nice to show off Diamond-for-real as her plush next to her digital version as well :D She's still the only OG8 I have#I want more!! I'd love to have a code for her as well haha - secretly just started this so I can have a digital Diamond lol#Plush-Diamond actually wears a necklace these days but I opted to leave it off her for the photoshoot - maybe once I figure out clothes haha
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Man I wonder where the leader of the fear realm could've gone, it's alMOST LIKE NEVIN HAS AN
#had to re-edit the image real quick because the original edit was from a post I made about Drew years ago#and while the Drew thing is becoming less and less likely. Nevin havinv one has basically been canon since#someone mentioned Greg's (was it Britney's) aura being familiar in s2ch1. ive been putting together a list of every line#that points to Nevin's aura throughout the whole thing (most from s2ch1 but then s2ch10 came out and it was really canon at that point)#but clearly i'm running out of time to say ''i fucking called it'' before it's explicitly stated and i dont want to be in another situation#where somebody else will beat me to a theory and me posting anything about it will seem like copying them. sorry about that btw i had#thought i had already mentioned theorizing that nevin was possessed by a demon in that old theory i made but i had forgotten that one was#super old and was about sigma. so no copying there i just got extremely paranoid there was a mention of a cult and i was like ''nuh uh#that's way too specific and out there of a detail to end up in both our theories'' and i forgot the rest of my super old post was outdated#as hell. and echos had gone ''yeah they're so similar!'' and i took their word for it but now i'm realizing they were probably just trying#to be supportive. so yeah no copying there i was just beaten to the punch of saying something. but i will NOT back down from the aura shit#because i have been calling that shit FROM THE START or at least since i started reading ibvs back when ch20 came out.#also not backing down from saying chris was the worse friend because these past few chapters are the first time isaac has done anything tha#could knowingly upset chris meanwhile chris has. let edward drag isaac to the lair after isaac said edward would beat him up. chose not to#believe edward was holding the secrets over their heads because 'it was something isaac had said' and then immediately distrusted edward in#the next chapter because a random person he didn't know said to steal a book (might i mention how that entire scene proves chris' lack of#development and refusal to take responsibility because it perfectly alludes to when chris had brought those fireworks into his old school#and makes me wonder if charlie has actually gotten him in trouble with his past schools or if he's still just not taking responsibility#and if him following nevin to the woods to test out their powers is an extension of ''if something bad happens its not my fault''#like seriously this man would bring a mysterious suitcase onto a plane if he's told to). uh what was i talking about agai#anyway on a related note my mental state has only gotten worse since i left tumblr and the habit of thinking about chris instead of sleepin#or doing schoolwork has not stopped. so i was still failing for a while and might graduate now but am still staying away from tumblr.#so yeah this was a little update and im not going to linger this time im just going to leave tumblr again right after hitting post#addendum because i just can't let things go. and was thinking about chris again. i don't think his lack of development is because of bad#writing (anymore. i used to.). instead i'm certain his character arc is going to continue into him following someone (nevin probably) into#doing something really bad. and then he'll finally get actual consequences and go 'oh shit i fucked up real bad this time'#if you think that theory is reaching too far into the future you should hear mine about isaac dying at the end lmao
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not even gonna tag this properly bc i don't wanna get Involved but i do have some Thoughts i need to get out into the void so here we go
(aaa quick edit: CW for mention/discussion of Boothill leaks)
#today's gone Badly and i'm upset but instead of venting abt it i'm gonna channel that energy into doing a bit of tag rambling abt Boothill#well. less abt Him and more abt uh. self-analyzing my anxiety surrounding contributing to fandoms. he's just today's catalyst#like. i know it's mostly a me thing. i'm hypersensitive to criticism and very conflict avoidant + socially anxious + perfectionistic etc.#so I'm the one that keeps myself from posting more stuff out of fear of being criticized or called-out for what i've made#bc inevitably Someone's gonna see it and think its OOC or a problematic take or they'll misread my intent. etc etc what have you#but like. that's inevitable. there's no way to communicate every single thing with all of the nuance required to avoid misunderstandings#and other times it's not a misunderstanding it's just a difference of opinions and that's Fine!! there's no accounting for personal taste#there's no accounting for several things actually. taste‚ bias‚ lore-knowledge‚ differing levels of chronic-online-ness‚ etc#so this isn't me complaining abt the state of fandom culture (although i do think. sometimes. ppl take shit a bit too seriously)#but anyways all of this is mostly just anxiety-fueled. it's not like i very often actually even receive negative feedback or anything#if anything ppl tend to tell me that i'm overthinking it and killing my own fun and worried that my stuff is more OOC than it is#which like. yeah. Yeah u right :) but that's just the way that i am! always losing the idgaf war i suppose#anyways what's Boothill got to do w this ur wondering. well. i've been thinking abt the quickly emerging concept that he's illiterate.#and it just. has me feeling a lot of ways. and watching ppl disagree over it has me feeling some Bad ways. bc it's def a loaded topic!#if you'll pardon the pun there. and i don't rlly have anything new to add other than that i'm conflicted abt it.#like yeah i saw the leaks days ago. of him mentioning 'not hitting the books' much as a child when we ask him why he sends voice messages#or voice Transcriptions ig. ykwim. and like. *braces for impact* ...i liked it? like. it doesn't feel right to call it endearing#i'm not trying to infantilize him. ok that's not the right word either but ugh. you know? what i mean?? who am i kidding even i don't know#it's not quite right to say that it feels like Representation either. but it's something close i guess#as a southern person myself who didn't receive a 'complete' education due to factors that weren't to do with my intelligence#the concept of seeing him as a capable force to be reckoned with and respected who also happens to have not received much formal education#i like that. i do. but there's so many issues w it at the same time. like. as i said‚ being southern myself has me Wary of the way Hoyo is-#writing him. as well as of the way that the fandom is taking the bits of his lore and running away w them. and i'm Very aware of how ppl-#will see a southern character and be All Too Eager to agree that they're lacking intelligence based on our Redneck™ stereotype#sigh. and before we even go too far with this. it's not even confirmed that hes completely illiterate. which is a valid criticism i've seen#there's Multiple reasons that could make him prefer voice to text. but regardless. i'm just worried that ppl will misconstrue my intentions#like. example: that edit i made the other day of him saying 'no thanks i can't read'. wasn't me playing into the stereotype of-#'haha dumb country boy can't read!' it was. in my eyes. something he'd say as a joke to make light of a potential insecurity#like. i think there's far more depth to Boothill's character if ppl could look past the surface. and i dont wanna contribute to the problem#but sometimes ppl Will have stereotypical traits and i wish the same could apply to characters as long as it's done Thoughtfully.
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taking a little break from writing for a few days to cool down the brain but first... yaad&thistle au fic preview under the cut. this is clocking in at 12k atm, i haven't finished drafting all the scenes yet, but i am deeply enjoying this one.
#context: yaad Attempts Diplomacy. thistle finds this offensive. curses him to be an old man in a petty fit.#(side note thistle here is sort of in between his pre-dungeon self and his far-gone dungeon lord self)#however in this au he's in exile and trying to curry favor with delgal which means playing nice with his grandson#so now he's like ah shit that was. random. <3 i can undo it <33 you didnt tell grandpa about this did you#yaad should get a little fed up as an old man. as a treat#they're incredibly fun to write so far... the thing is they do resonate on a similar wavelength once they reach a point of civility#theyve got this shared Servant Of The People mentality it's just a matter of finding common ground wrt how to effectively go about that#thistle runs the world but yaad governs it too (delgal is um. comatose) so. figure it out. chop chop#once they do hit that stride though it's like unclogging your windpipe. kind of nice#that aside their experiences and struggles overlap sm it's so ripe for exploration#lots of scenes discussing Adult Matters while playing house like kids with dolls#not rlly knowing how to make sense of their lives and the world around them bc they have no healthy/Real frame of reference#(psychological trauma?? in MY golden country??? it's normal to constantly dissociate but okay)#but knowing for certain that they have Obligations and duties to fulfill... theyre doing their best your honor#i'm such a thistle & yaad shill rn i think i mightve come off as a hater in another post but oughh they are Everything#anyway tangent over i just needed to yap a bunch before my 2 day break shfjkhkf#roomba writes#dungeon meshi fic#thistle & yaad#thistle#yaad#txt
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Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh today I've been constantly experiencing the urge to un-private today-in-the-devildom & start writing for it again
#i'm gonna ramble in the tags but#i've been talking with starr (if you're reading this--hi starr!! <3) about the blog today and sharing some of the entries#and it just made me miss it so much#+ the conversation actually made me realize some other reasons why i didn't enjoy the blog in general anymore#like i genuinely love the blog and i genuinely loved writing for it & that conversation reminded me of that#but also there were so many reasons that ultimately pushed me to more or less abandon the blog & then later private it too#so i'm kind of at a loss here#tbh i think i'm mostly just scared to pick the blog up again only for it to end exactly like last time i picked it back up#i've actually always wanted for the blog to be a source of inspiration y'know?#like the things mentioned in the entries are kinda just small ideas right#i was hoping that people would read these & feel inspired to write or draw something of their own based on my entries#that was actually what made me start the blog in the first place. the hope that i could inspire others that way#aaahhhhhh.... maybe it's on me since i could have more openly communicated that idea......#i did get to meet one wonderful person who wrote a few fics based on my entries tho!! (hi ali <3)#but yeah..there's that#also the way engagement just dropped significantly after a while#like i know i was gone for a good while & that a lot of people left the fandom and all that#but still getting maybe one reblog if i'm lucky really feels like a punch to the gut#ESPECIALLY considering that i was close to 900 followers on there#do you guys know that feeling when you proudly show someone you care about something you did only to get a disinterested answer?#yeah...#that's essentially how it feels like to me#and well as you might know the feeling of “why should i keep writing if apparently no one cares” eventually won... haha.....#but aaaahhhhh i'm still clinging onto the hope & what ifs here#that conversation with starr really just made me forget about everything that frustrated me about the blog & left me with this#longing feeling to start again lol#hey if you've made it this far into the tags let me just ask--would you care if i picked the blog back up?#would you also *show* that you care?#i'm actually quite curious (you could almost call me george lol)#anyway maybe we'll see each other on today-in-the-devildom again in the future.. who knows
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eegggghhhhhhhhhhhhh
#apparently those alex hirsch interviews came out#i'm not watching them because if i do i will go insane (negative)#so ofc my perspective here is flawed but#i saw a couple posts of some of alex's quotes from the interviews and#ohhhhh boy i am not having a good time right now !!!#yay more stuff about how ford is icarus#yayy more stuff about how ford is trapped too far in his head to have any meaningful relationships#yayyy more stuff about how ford ''result[ed] in Stan being this hurt and needy and mad''#sooo glad to hear how meaningful it is when people say something resonated with them and they feel a connection to it#ohh but btw the character *you* resonate with his Too Far Gone for his own good and ruins the lives of everyone he comes into contact with!#that's right! the character who made *you* feel *seen* in a way you never had before!!!#ah... such a nice and impactful thing to hear 😌#i feel so touched by these words 🥰#can't wait to hear this in so much more emotional and provoking detail when the book of bill is released#(for the record the previous 9 tags are sarcasm.)#k ive said enough#good night#svm yells#svm yells about the fandom#<- or rather its creator#but i already know the fandom is going to eat this up if not already#fandom wank#filthy ford apologist squad
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Today marks the three-year anniversary of the day I lost my mom to breast cancer.
She wasn't perfect—no one is, as a person, or as a mother—but I loved her all the same, and I deeply mourn the fact that our relationship was cut short before it truly had a chance to blossom. I've felt a sense of directionlessness that's only grown in intensity since her passing, but I know in my heart she'd be proud of me and all the growing up I've done since then regardless.
This is the last year I'll be living in the house we shared, but her heart will always be with me wherever I go. Wherever she is now, may she find rest and solace.
#mel's musings#currently wearing my pendant with her fingerprint as i'm writing this#not to get preachy but if (keyword “if”) you have a good relationship with your parents. treasure that#take care to cherish all the little moments spent together. because those are what you'll be clinging to most when they're gone#don't leave anything left unsaid. and remember there's no such thing as too many i love yous#a certain amount of grief and lack of closure is inevitable. but if you start making that effort now you'll have less regrets later#i wish i could say i followed that advice myself. but at the very least i know how to do better going forward#and i hope you all can do the same. if you've made it this far thanks for reading and pass on some love to someone you care about today <3
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This might not be anything, but while writing about your fics, the way you have the characters' mannerisms down PERFECTLY got me thinking about mirroring...
There's a lot of it in 7 (Horii is a directorial genius etc etc), most of it more intentional than these probably are, but there's something so interesting about mirroring that takes the tone of a (relatively) fond memory, a familiar gesture, and inverts it in the way shown here.
OH I'M GLAD YOU'VE NOTICED THESE TOO I think I mentioned it months back (or I drafted a post 'bout it but didn't think it was anything noteworthy) but I always really did like how the Arakawa Family mimicked each other's mannerisms (also circling back to how Jo and Masato calling Ichiban 'Ichi' presumably after picking it up from Arakawa)!
Aoki actually does the same sitting gesture too! I went back to double check and skim through the rest of the game's cutscenes, and as far as I could tell unless I skipped a scene, it really is only these three that do this specific pose:
It's such a small detail but I love it immensely and it really does highlight their connections with each other and it drives me insane
#snap chats#the fact aoki holds his left fist with his right like jo..... im gonna be sick... (crying)#potential hints that aoki really does favor jo and/or spends more time with him... or i might be delirious. could be both even..#focusing on how jo mimics arakawa though i dont think i have to say i love how it is inverted intention wise#like of course in arakawa's situations he's in a position where he's helping ichi and speaking calmly with him#while with jo Evidently each interaction is more tense and antagonistic#really is a cool way to emphasize that whole 'step parent' angle if that makes sense#OH BUT THANK YOU ON MY WRITING that's a huge compliment: i'm glad you think i have their mannerisms down !#accuracy is a big thing to me... in case we haven't picked that up yet.... i should relax a little tbh--#BUT i'd like to think my brain's good at visualizing things and i think i've 'studied' enough to get an acceptable result in what i show#it's like... if i can't see it in my head clearly or it doesn't look right then i wanna keep trying until it DOES look right yk#dont want a Hello Kitty Wouldnt Do Xanax moment... only on occasion.... a lil xanax wouldnt hurt as long as its not too far gone ☠️#alright im. DELIRIOUS.#to end this off i watched the first episode of Sailor Suit and Machine Gun !#my japanese is. HORRENDOUS BUT the art of inference and context clues and stray knowledge got me through it#i'm excited to watch the next episode even if i'm only really getting half the impact from the dialogue#BUT THE FEELING'S THERE... the emotion's there#embarrassingly i almost cried when izumi was crying in the theater over her dad while she was eating cause like Girl Me Too ☠️☠️#ill go one day without mentioning my dad i promise... todays not that day tho ☠️#IN ANY CASE. thank you for droppin the episodes on me !! i can't stress never tiring of having new things to watch#ill watch the next episode tonight probably. i was gonna go out to get lunch buuuut my moms home#so there goes that plan.. at least my bro got me food while /he/ went out today lmao
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Can't quite find the words for it but. The Sulkerrrrrrrrr
#almost wrote up a whole ass post and was like. not only is this incoherent it's just sad. EXPLODE 💥💥💥💥💥💥💥#but more and more lately i just feel like i'm starting to crack. not in a dangerous way but like.#in a 'ohhhhhh maybe the. years and years and years of isolation are finally getting to me' way.#but like. what do you even Do about that. esp in my case. too autistic for the world.#i have so many problems. i feel like i'm too far gone. i feel like i'm much more trouble than i'm worth.#anything from being an inconvenience to just. being messy. like. i can't do things AND i have Problems about it.#and i don't wanna subject anyone to my Problems. and i'm scared of intimacy. and i am so Complicated#like. idk idk i also just have such a hard time Being a person. i def feel the most myself i've been#is just. online and through my artwork. my artwork really is the primary way i've been able to connect and feel connected#idk. i've. just never been able to be a person. for various reasons. but even now. i struggle So Much#for maybe different reasons. but i can never Do it. idk...
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the gas station attendant social link alternate universe is about the past and the future. it is about accepting you who you were and who you are and who you'll be. accepting every aspect of yourself, intangible and tangible. that maybe you are fractured, broken, fragmented, empty, torn apart, or one thousand different things. but you are there for yourself, whoever that may be. whoever they may be. it is about love and betreyal and kindness and malice and caring and hate. deliberate or accidental. it is about learning and realizing and doing something about it and doing nothing about it. it is about the constant pursuit of knowledge no matter how fun it is no matter how terrifying it is. no matter if it's a genuine drive or something forced unto the self as one is pushed to the ledge. it is about life and death and what is real and what is not. it is about accepting what is there and making the effort to make it different. it is about stagnancy and improvement. it is about being the same and about change. it is about friendships about family about relationships about the inherent love present in all of it. it is about finding yourself in someone and the choice to help the other to help the self. to fill each other's half empty cups and overflow with gratitude or spill out and become an emptiness so unbearable that the irony of a rush of tears come flooding out somehow. it is about potential and the need to pursue it and find it and accomplish it and grow and grow and grow and learn and learn and learn and live and live and live no matter what anyone says. no matter what you say. it is about god. it is about human. it is about the bond with the one god once called its puppet but lives in the role itself no longer can be called an actor. because of love. because of love.
#kommento#sulululat#gsa sl au#// it was my love btw#// thinking that this silly thing is too 'far gone' but it's a fruit tree of so many personal spiels that maybe deep down I brought this#// to the table because I wanted to have people learn about myself? through something we can both love#// but that's just the thing it's become too personal that no one can relate to it and if anyone does it wrong I bite their face off#// I don't know. regressing back into my little bubble and thinking of other problems. being here is a journey and it's still going#// that there's still so much I can do but I'm reaching a tipping point and I can do everything now or drop it all#// like game dev crunch time. spend four years on it and a 1 and a half year chunk to prep for the live demo at the press conference#// and if you flop or show up with nothing the whole project would just be dropped. and there is nothing left#// all that passion and love and effort is washed away#// I don't even know what I'm aiming for. I just wanted a community. and I do have one but am I not satisfied?#// is there a certain sense of community itself that I want? now I'm selfish and picky? I am not sure#// I should make a relationship chart actually. with bubbles and lines and captions and labels or something. peek into my brain diagrams#// three year anniversary coming up soon... but who knows if I'll still be kicking in six more months. it's a surprise 🎉#// gsaslau is about god who is not human and a human who does not believe he is human. and somehow they make each other more human#// it is about a child meant to be the avatar of hope falling to his knees having to accept the truth about the people he trusts#// it is about a girl desperately wanting to save everyone and would offer her life to do so. but she wants to live with everyone else#// without another giving up their own life instead#// it is about a man who rises from despair and becomes the beacon of hope he never thought he could be#// it is about a man who wouldnt believe the emptiness in his heart stings. that he could never lose somethng because he never had anything#// it is about someone who relearns who they were and creates who they're going to be. fighting all the urges to destroy such a creation
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Was talking to my partner last night about that thing my mum used to very well meaningingly do...she knew I had a lot of trouble making friends so whenever she heard about another kid about my age who was having trouble making friends she would try and arrange for us to hang out. I feel like the problem with this strategy is that kids who have trouble making friends are usually very, very awkward, and do not possess to social skills to alleviate the awkwardness of someone else. So you end up with two kids who are both being awkward at the same time and neither is able to help the other feel less awkward. I joked to my partner that you would have to introduce the kid who was not good at making friends to kid who was really amazing at making friends, which obviously in real life is not very workable (the concept of ‘pity friends’ is a not great thing for anyone). My mum is very kind and caring, and I know it must be hard for any caring parent to see your child fail socially over and over and be horribly upset about it. She did what she could. But kids in this position are more likely to stay in any friendships they do make even if those friendships are actually very unhealthy and are harming them. That’s what happened to me, she introduced me to someone when I was 12 who turned out to be very controlling and cut off my ability to make friends with anyone else. I will never know if without this person I might have formed actual friendship connections in my teens. They did a lot of harm to me and it’s really difficult to talk about that because they were my peer and also had been through some horrible things. I just clung on tighter because I saw how the world shat on my friend from a great height, like it does all kids who have experienced traumatic family breakdown. And yet in the end, my presence probably only made things worse. It doesnt do any good to harm yourself to try and save someone else, no matter how much you care about them. I really did care about him and I wanted to help and I couldn’t because the problems were vast and societal. I broke contact with him finally when we were adults, I assume this affected my mental health very much but I don’t know because I have no context for what my adolescent development would have been without him in my life. He used to say that needing people was weak, and so I believed it. (He obviously needed me at more than a few times but that’s neither here nor there.) But in reality, we all need people. We need friends and social connections that give us reciprocity and love. I do have friends now but sometimes I feel like I form connections too strong with some people who aren’t reciprocating. I may have mentioned this on here before but we talk about unrequited romantic feelings but not about onesidedness in platonic feelings, and I wish we did. When I’m in low times there are certain friendships that I mourn (absolutely not the one described above fyi!!) even if it’s been years, or I’m still in them and the other person thinks it’s fine but I feel so lonely for more closeness with them. I’m sure someone would helpfully tell me this is all normal but when you talk to people about this stuff, you can tell they don’t feel anything even slightly similar and are bemused. I don’t know what the solution is except to go on about it in writing so that’s what I do. And I don’t know how to help kids make stronger friendships or help a kid with no self esteem choose between being friendless but sticking up for themselves, or being in a damaging and harmful friendship.
#friendship#growing up#childhood#growing up weird#that's just what i'm calling it lol#i'm feeling a bit depressed and it causes me to write this kind of thing#i do have friendships that have drifted and i'm fine about it btw! It's only with some people#some people who were special to me i guess#actually i met a lot of them when i was starting to escape from my 'friend' discribed above#that can't be a coincidence can it#there's a lot of strong feelings associated with being treated like a person by a peer suddenly#or finding someone who is also weird like my 'friend' was but is also kind!#that's killer i'm gone immediately <3#i think i may have too much baggage about this for a functioning adult#and possibly making a big deal out of something that i shouldn't if i had real problems#but.............maybe that's the depression talking? i hope so :(#a big thing for me with my 'friend' was that i was the one without problems and he was the only one who did have problems#it took me way too long to realise that i was allowed to feel my own crappy moments without comparing them to someone who suffered far worse#you kind of can't....survive in yourself without having compassion for yourself in your own crappy moments and it was a hard lesson to learn
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Ah. Still not far enough into TotK that I feel safe to remove associated tags from the hidden list, but make no mistake, the curiosity is killing me
#I also have so much to say!! but I can't yet!! because there's definitely so much that I still don't know about!!#and so much of that is just Revali Thoughts™ like you wouldn't believe#I don't know if that is a good sarcastic remark or not at this point. Of course I have Revali Thoughts™ I always do!#but I personally didn't expect to have so many?? TotK is being such an experience#feeling like the game caters to my interests and it is both a blessing and a curse. idk if that's the case or I'm just too far gone#I'm reading too much into everything#take this damn thing away from me#luckily! I'm a victim of finals until the 29th and there's one lingering class after that as well so... no more TotK for a few days#at the very least#Ahh but I already miss it 🥺🥺🥺#shutupcaguay
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i'm sorry but as someone who is always trying to understand most things and most people, the reaction a lot of folks have of immediately dismissing something or jumping to an outrage without having a second to try to reflect on a situation or process empathy is something that i will never relate to and i consider to be a bad mentality to have if left unchecked actually
#not a response to any specific situations that might or might not be the topic of conversation today on tumblr dot com#it's just a general thought that i always have.#and i tend to unfollow people for this sometimes lmao sorry. it just makes me uncomfortable. and i see it frequently.#i've said this before but#i feel like often you can kinda see who has had life experiences that were unfair to them and being angry was their way out into freedom#(which does make sense in the transgender and gay website)#so they default to applying that state to most things because it is What Feels Right To Me Actually and i can't blame them for doing so.#but then there's people like me who like. my life experiences have led me into the Guilt Pit#where i am trying extremely hard to be measured and understanding because i have been very emotionally reactive in the past#or have witnessed things where very emotionally reactive people have caused horrible things to others around them#and i hate that actually and i try as hard as i can not to be that.#which is why i also feel like whenever i see it in other people i'm like. oh boy. i would not get along with you lmao.#and i feel like these are two opposite mentalities that are definitely detrimental to you if gone too far into either direction#so i don't necessarily think either is bad or anything. as long as you're able to pull yourself back and realize that like#you Should dedicate some thought to the rest of the world actually and not default to just ''what i feel is correct always''#and on the other end realize that sometimes you just have to Let Go#because caring about Everything is unrealistic and you will go Insane and lose your own self if you try to feel for too many other things#which is what i had to learn the hard way.#and also like. sometimes the immediate ''fuck you'' reaction Is super valid. and it's important to learn when that is the case.#but yeah. anyway. mentality. ways of seeing the world. people being different. wooooo.#rambling again in tags sorry.
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Help, my fic writing turned out to be...
Little Lace Dress of Horror!😱
Okey, once I got your attention, I just wanted to say that I'm writing another fanfiction. It was meant to be a shortie short this time. Nothing serious nor official, you know:
Imagine it's like crocheting a nice little lace collar out of boredom and curiosity, just to see how it gonna look. I even let it gone wild with all the Homeric similes I dared to put into the pattern because hey, afterall it's me who's having fun here, right? If the finished version would look no good or ridiculous - then I simply won't share it and nobody even needs to know! So I kept crocheting my little fic freely, joyfully and without a plan. Yet at some moment I could not help but really liked the direction in which this crocheted collar-design was going and I wished to finish and show it to you someday. Of course the Monstrously Overgrown Laces are not that easy to be fixed and finished in a neat way, especially as at some point it looks like the main pattern was taking two different directions at the same time... Now whenever I force myself to try and do something about it I just sit and stare and "oh, this piece looks nice... and this one too... but the two don't quite fit to one another..." And, well, it doesn't make it go anywhere farther ever since😑
After 2 or 3 weeks of struggling with my indecisiveness about how to put that lace collar into a decent shape - my brain already crocheted its other end making it all look more like a top shirt. Well, okey - I though - it's just few centimeters longer than I planned, maybe it'll be even more usefull to wear... I'll name it a "bonus" or "sequel" and that'll be just fine I guess (and let me tell you this part IS fine, having exactly 1234 words and I don't want to touch it not to spoil it😋). But it won't stop me from making the exact collar part more neat later, right?
Must I say I was not surprised at all when after another few weeks the top shirt became a full sized sweater? (Three chapters?! Ahh... so that's a tiny triptych, huh?) I spend a week on making it fit and I'm actually quite proud of those sleeves I decided to add last night. ("He smiled slyly and bit his lower lip, looking with satisfaction at the effect he managed to achieve" - and oooh, so am I...😋)
But this morning I started to think how this might look nice as a tunic or even as a dress (this scene in the movie was way too good and important to not appear at all, so even with those few other circumstances rearanged, it got to take place somehow!)
So finally I took few steps back to look at it as a whole and now I'm like...😵💫
Jeeez, why is this collar still so freaking loose as if it got two holes for the head!?!!😫
#if you can imagine a generally nice looking dress only its top-part is deformed as if it was a dog from The Thing...#then that's the vision I'm trying to describe#writer struggles#my fic#ps. there'll be cutting and sewing and crying in therror but I WILL make it! it gone hell too far to back up now!#do it for the sweater's sake!#BTW#I wrote this for you to have some fun of the whole situation#(even if I don't feel like having fun myself thinking about cutting off my homeric similes)#I hope it will make anybody smile#but expecting a 'like' of support is surely too much to expect so... no I don't#fic writing#funny story#the joker is wild
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