#The second book was truly killing me with how good the gay women scenes were. Like I know Hank Green is just some guy but he must have

[maydainsula]

The light now poured out of the doorway along with the final words of Rick Astley's “Never Gonna Give You Up.” In that door stood a small person […] so full of “fuck the world” energy that there was absolutely no one else it could possibly have been.

-Hank Green, A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor, 2020

[nickelkeep]

What Mattered Most

Pairing: Dean/Cas Rating: Teen, for some profanity. Word Count: 6.1K Warnings: Pining, Internalized Homophobia Written For: Nickel’s Storytime On Ao3

Dean stormed into Crowley’s office, despite the warnings from the overworked and underpaid assistant. He threw the copy of Rolling Stone he carried onto Crowley’s desk and waited for his demon of an agent to get off his phone call.

“Seems I forgot about a meeting. A client just showed up at my office.” Crowley shot a smile in warning at Dean. “We’ll catch up soon. I want you to tell me all about this new talent of yours, Kipling. Until next time.” Crowley hung up the phone and picked up the magazine. “Ah, yes. Thursday James. Apparently Country’s brightest new star.” He tossed it back on his desk. “So, to what do I owe the pleasure of your presence?”

“I want to come out,” Dean replied simply and plainly. “I have hidden for the past 15 years because you said my music wouldn’t sell. I’m done not being me, I’m done hiding.” He pointed at the magazine. “He’s been on the scene for six months, and he booked a Stones cover? It took me seven years, Crowley. Seven! They never put country artists on the front.”

Crowley sighed and picked up the magazine and stared at it for a few silent moments before dropping it back on his desk. “No.”

“What the fucking hell!?” Dean’s arms shot out to the sides in exasperation before he pulled them back in, gripping his fingers on the chairback in front of him. “I have done everything you have ever asked of me, Crowley. I am just sick of living a damn lie.”

“So, you want to be ridiculed and laughed out of the country music scene?” Crowley pushed himself to his feet and leaned forward. While Dean had several inches on him, Crowley’s presence alone could cause most to back off. “You have succeeded in this world because you pushed that life away. You have sold out arenas because you are what women want and what men aspire to be. Until you retire, you are the straight, all-American boy. Do you understand?”

“No. I don’t.” Dean stormed back to the doors and swung them open, exposing Sam and Charlie, his lawyer and PR person. “So, I quit.”

“You really want to throw away your, as you acknowledged, 15-year career because you can’t hold hands with a man in public?” Crowley rolled his eyes as Sam and Charlie sat in the chairs across from him. “Oh, for fuck’s sake, Dean. I have not led you wrong. I have not given you any bad advice.”

“You did, 17 years ago, when you first found Dean,” Charlie spoke up.

“He wasn’t out then, and he’s not out now.” Crowley tilted his head and looked at Dean. “Are you?”

“Not yet.” Dean shook his head.

Sam sighed exasperatedly. “For what it’s worth, Fergus, I did advise him to ask you differently. That being said, I don’t disagree with my brother. He’s done everything you asked. It’s been 15 years, and clearly, the world has changed.” Sam pointed at the magazine on the desk. “The world is in love with Thursday James. He’s proven that being queer isn’t a crime. And we’re not changing who Dean is. We’re not asking for chaps and songs about rainbows. We’re just asking you to let him be the person he’s hidden for 15 years. For you.”

“He doesn’t need a big coming-out party.” Crowley gestured at Dean. “Is there a person you’re interested in dating, Dean? Is that what this is? Go on a date. You’re not restricted to going out solo or having beards anymore.”

“Not good enough.” Charlie tapped Sam on the shoulder and pointed down to his briefcase. “As Dean’s lawyer and PR, we’re submitting an amendment to his contract, advising of it’s instant and final termination in regards to Article 2, Section 13.”

“A conflict of interest?” Crowley shook his head. “This is not a conflict of interest. This is me trying to protect my client, which is my job as his manager.”

Sam pulled out the stack of paper and set it on top of the magazine. “It’s a clean cut. We pay you a lump sum that equals 13% of his projected income for the next five years, which is a current 5% more than you take right now. Dean comes off your roster instantly.”

Crowley picked up the papers and quickly flipped through. “I also give up my rights to royalty and merchandising profits. Why?”

“Didn’t think you wanted to be associated with a gay country singer, Crowley.” Dean stood between Charlie and Sam, hands shoved in his pockets as he rocked back and forth from heel to toe. “Figured that 5% would make up for it.”

“Dean. Listen to yourself. You really want to throw our partnership away?” Crowley was practically pleading with Dean. “Why do you want to do this to your career?”

“Crowley, if my fans truly love me, I won’t lose them. And if anything, I’m openly welcoming a whole group of potential fans who think they’re not wanted. This is what’s best for not only me but also for the future of Country.”

Crowley stood up straight and rubbed at his temples. “Fine.” He handed the contract amendment back to Sam. “Believe it or not, I do want you happy, Dean.” He turned to the petite redhead sitting with a giant smirk on her face. “I’m assuming you’ve already started a plan?”

“Yes, but there’s one more thing.” Charlie pointed at Sam. “It was your idea.”

“In order to stay on as Dean’s manager, you will sign a different amendment. I’m going to start the official paperwork. Once you and Charlie come to a full and equal agreement for Dean’s coming out, it will be added to the contract, and both you and Dean will sign it.” Sam opened his suitcase back up and slid the defunct amendment into it. “We have an understanding, Fergus?”

“Yes.” Crowley nodded as he sat in his chair. “I think this is the first time I’ve been outwitted by a client.” He leaned back, resting his hands on his stomach. “Shall we begin, then?”

…

Thursday James took a deep breath as he took a final bow for the crowd that had come out to see him. While he was excited that his career was taking off, he had never expected how exhausting it would be. He stepped off the stage and into the wings, where he was greeted by his manager and best friend, Balthazar.

“Cassie! That was fantastic, as always!” Balthazar clapped his hand on Thursday’s - Cas’ - shoulder and led him back towards the dressing room. “You simply wowed the hall.”

“If you say so.” Cas slid off his mask, mindlessly playing with the fringe as Balthazar opened the door for him. He crossed over to his seat in front of the mirror and ran his hand down his face. “So. To what do I owe this pleasure? I wasn’t expecting you until St. Louis.”

“I am so very glad that you asked.” Balthazar crossed over to the sofa as Cas started his aftershow routine, beginning with the removal of his eye make-up. “Word of a fascinating tour came through the grapevine, and only a select handful of artists were invited.”

Cas perked up an eyebrow. “So, either I was invited, or you’re trying to get them to bring me along.”

“You were personally invited. By a Charlene Bradbury.” Cas’ head whipped up, and he stared at Balth’s reflection in the mirror. “I see you remember that name.”

“Charlie?” Cas frowned and turned around and stared at Balthazar, mouth agape. “Does she know?”

“Doubtful. Sia could learn a few lessons from you in hiding identity.” Balthazar leaned forward and clasped his hands together. His face turned serious. “Look, I understand the surprise, and I know I’m going to be fighting to get a yes out of you...”

“Damn right, you are! I’m not going on tour with Dean Winchester!”

“Let me finish, Cassie.” Balthazar tugged at his sleeves and fixed them before continuing. “Dean’s been a leader in the industry for 15 years. He’d be exposing you to fellow musicians, new venues, and possibly new members for your staff. Maybe you could steal Charlie out from under him?”

Cas shook his head. “Not happening, Balth. I can’t do it. He headlines arenas, he’s a damn star. I’m...” Cas choked on his own words, unable to finish the sentence. “You knew I would say no, why did you bring it up?”

“Well, for starters, it was 15 years ago. So why dwell on it? If you want him to know it’s you, you can show him that you outshone him in a matter of months.” Balthazar appeared to preen himself at those words. “But there’s an even bigger rumor involving the tour. Dean’s announcing something big.”

“He’s going to be the first country artist in space?” Cas deadpanned.

Balthazar let himself laugh at that. “I honestly don’t know. Charlie wouldn’t spill any beans. But, the rumor is that he’s going to retire.”

“Dean’s 36. Not happening.” Cas shook his head. “He’s got a lifetime ahead of him.”

“Okay, well the people who tour with him, get to find out first, and I am a nosy bastard, okay?”

“You’re a bastard, alright.” Cas picked up the mask he had worn for the evening and started fidgeting with the fringe. “And you’re not winning me over for this tour.”

“Fine. Rumor aside, here are the facts, from the devil herself. It’s a short 10 stop tour. All of the venues are 4000 people or less, either on college campuses or at smaller theaters.”

“That’s a huge step back for Dean.” Cas ran a hand through his hair and squinted at Balthazar. “I can see why retirement is a rumor associated with the tour.”

“That’s not all. The first stop?” Balthazar paused and bit his bottom lip. “Lied Center at KU.”

“Home?”

…

Dean looked up from his notepad as Charlie entered the studio in the home he shared with her and Sam. “What’s up, Red?”

“I got the final tour line up.” She held up a notepad of her own before crossing over to sit next to Dean. “Still writing?”

“He is.” Sam looked up from his desk. “And driving me crazy. Please get him to stop.”

“I changed my mind, Sam. I’m not writing a brand new song. I’m fixing an old one.” Dean turned to Charlie. “Hit me.”

“We’re going to go with four acts in total. First, a 20-minute set for your opener, a band coming out of hiatus, Tina & Her Pony. Second, We got Thursday James, which there’s a big caveat, but I got him.” She stole a glance at Sam, who was glaring at her.

“Sam’s going to kill you now, I’m okay with this. Continue.” Dean half-joked before gesturing for her to continue.

“Thursday is on for a 30-minute set. And, and, and! Brandi Carlile is on board, also for a 30-minute set assuming that yours is only 45. She’s got a hell of a negotiator on her team. Wonder if she’s single.”

“Brandi, or her negotiator?” Sam leaned forward on his desk, chin resting on his knuckles.

“Her negotiator. That wit. That charm. Ugh. So unfair.” Charlie let out a little sigh before shaking it off and looking at Dean. “So, did I do good?”

“You did fantastic.” Dean set down his pen and paper before pulling Charlie into a hug. “So, what’s the caveat with Thursday James?”

Charlie winced. “Shit, I was hoping you’d forget about that.” She flipped through her pad and pulled out two sheets of paper, handing one to Dean before getting up and taking the other to Sam. “It’s well known that Mr. James is private. I took the time to look up his previous riders. NDAs, no pictures unless he’s in a mask, pretty simple stuff. His agent - who’s name sounds so familiar - sent over his ‘standard rider’ and an amendment specific to this tour.”

“No guest appearances during his set, no requesting him to come on during another person’s set, and no requesting to hang out after shows.” Sam started to rattle off what he was reading. “What the hell?”

“I asked Meg, Brandi’s negotiator, to let me know if she got the amendment as well. I know that Tina & Her Pony didn’t get it as of yet, but Mr. James’ manager may not have sent it to them yet.” Charlie shrugged. “It is strange, but it’s not unheard of.”

“Well,” Dean shrugged, “if it gets him on tour with us, then I’m happy to do it.”

Sam nodded. “I mean, it’s not a bad request. I’ve heard Sia’s rider is insane. Like, you can’t even talk to her between sets.”

“Agoraphobia’s a thing, Sam. Lighten up.” Dean swallowed hard, a brief memory from his past flashing through his mind. “Charles, they okay being on a tour that’s literally called ‘The Thanks for Coming Out Tour,’ or do we have to change that?”

“I may not have mentioned that.” Charlie rubbed the back of her neck.

“WHAT!?” Dean and Sam cried out in unison.

Charlie held up her hands in defense. “Look, we don’t want Dean’s announcement blown before he gets to make it himself, right?” She waited until Dean nodded. “I’m going to get Sam to write up an NDA for the name, then Dean’s going to announce it with the tour dates on his website in a video.”

“So they don’t get to know the name of the tour until they sign the NDA, and if they don’t sign the NDA?” Sam questioned.

“Then, they can be replaced.” Charlie brushed it off. “But after speaking with Meg and Mr. James’ representative - why the fuck can’t I remember his name? - It sounds like they’re okay with it. I think they like knowing that they’ll be in on a rumor before the rest of the world.”

Dean stole a glance at his younger brother, who let out an exhausted sigh before speaking. “I’ll leave you to your magic, Charlie. You’ve never led us astray before. Just tell me what I need to write up and get out for you.”

…

“Cassie!” Balthazar closed the door shut behind him and held up a folder. “They accepted the terms of your rider with the NDAs and sent them over, signed. Charlie’s getting the rest of their crew to fill them out, and we should have them within 48 hours.” He flipped the folder open. “They responded with a note: ‘We fully honor the requests of Mr. James’ privacy rider. However, if he finds himself in need of someone to speak to, Dean and his crew will be available.’ How charming.”

“Shut up, Balth.” Cas kicked his feet up. “I’m assuming they sent the dates over?”

“Yes, and the rest of the lineup. Tina & Her Pony, you, Brandi Carlile, and Dean.” Balthazar pulled out a paper and handed it to Cas. “There’s also an NDA for you and I to sign. They don’t want the tour’s name to go public until Dean announces it, but they want to make sure we’re okay touring under it.”

Cas looked up from the paper. “I’m assuming you already signed for me?”

“Of course, Cassie.” Balthazar sat down and rested his ankle on his knee. “It adds weight to the retiring theory. ‘The Thanks for Coming Out Tour.’”

Cas chuckled. “One can only hope. I realized that the longer we’re in the industry together, the harder it will be to hide my identity from him.”

“There is that, yes.”

“You still think I should just tell him.” Cas crossed his arms over his chest and slouched down in his chair. “I can’t do that, Balth. I didn’t work my ass off for my career to spite him.”

“You can tell that to the people who don’t know you better, Cassie.”

“If I wanted to spite him, I’d be going by Castiel Novak, not Thursday James. I would show my face and not hide behind a mask. This has always been for me, Balth. I did this. For me.” Cas hung his head. “He wouldn’t care how hard I worked anyway.”

Balthazar pushed himself out of his seat and crossed to Cas before crouching down in front of him. “I can’t pretend to know what happened, Cassie. But when you two went your separate ways? I still believe a little piece of him died.”

“You’re right. You don’t know what happened. And as much as I love you? As much as I’m thankful every day that you’re my manager, my cousin, and my best friend? You do not and will not ever know.” Cas wiped a tear away. “I’m starting to think this was a mistake.”

“It’s not too late for us to back out. I’ve been informed that there are acts dying to fill the spots for this tour.” Balthazar rested a hand on Cas’ knee and squeezed gently. “If you want me to go cancel, I’ll do it in a heartbeat.”

Cas shook his head. “We’ve already signed a million and two pieces of paper, and put in the request to have the riders printed. I got through most of the autographed merch pile...” Cas looked at Balthazar. “As long as he honors the NDAs and riders, I can get through this. It’s ten stops. And if we’re lucky, he’s retiring.”

“Are you taking off the mask the day of or the day after he announces his retirement?” Balthazar smiled, clearly trying to get Cas to laugh. “We can throw a huge party announcing your real identity.”

“Well, if he announces it at KU like you think he is, then I have to wait for an additional nine more tour stops.” Cas attempted to return his cousin’s mirth. “But, I will say that I’ve gotten attached to the name Thursday James.”

“Then, we do an interview with the highest bidder to get an inside look at your life.” Balthazar stood up, his knees cracking. “Oh, bloody hell. When did I get so old?”

“Shut up, you’re only three years older.”

“Don’t waste those three precious years, my darling Cassie.” Balthazar gently patted Cas’ cheek. “Looking forward to losing the mask?”

Cas paused, thinking before nodding. “Once this tour is over, and Dean’s retired? I’ll lose the mask.”

…

Dean stared out the window as his tour bus pulled up behind the Lied Center. Two other buses were there, as was a small caravan of vans, and Dean made a mental note to offer to charter a bus for the tour’s opening act.

“Nervous?” Sam walked up next to him and looked out the window.

“I mean, when’s the last time we were home, Sammy?” Dean looked to his brother and tried to fight the nervous frown on his face. “The closest before was Topeka, and those Will-Call tickets were never picked up.”

Sam let out a sigh. “I meant about coming out tonight, but I guess that works too. You want Cas here, don’t you?” Dean nodded, and Sam continued. “It’s been almost twenty years, Dean. I know you’re still in love with him, but you need–”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence, Sam. Don’t you fucking dare.”

“I’m going to, but only because you need to hear this. You need to move on. I found out about your... something, with Cas because of that god damned song. You think you could have hidden that you’re gay from Charlie and me?”

“It’s my decision if I move on or not. And I don’t want to. I never have. And, to be honest, Charlie knew.” Dean turned in his seat. “And I wanted to tell you sooner, but...”

“But I was a loud-mouthed kid, and Dad would have killed you. I get it.” Sam sat across from Dean. “You gotta know, Dean. I have only ever wanted to see you happy.”

“Thank you, Sammy.” Dean looked over to the bus door, Sam’s head turned to look as well, as it opened.

Charlie walked up the stairs, her fingers in a peace sign. “What’s up, bitches?” She hip-checked Sam and sat down next to him as he slid over. “Dean?”

“It’s just weird being home.” He swallowed. “You get everything set up?”

“Of course I did, and before you ask, yes, I checked to make sure that a pair of tickets were held for a Castiel Novak at Will-Call.” She reached into her bag and pulled out a notebook and started going over it. “Benny and the boys want to know if you have the setlist finished.”

“Yeah.” He flipped up a piece of paper and slid it over to Charlie as he prepared for their pre-venue checklist.

…

“I know you can see it, Cassie.” Balthazar took a sip from a water bottle before handing one to Cas. “How are you holding up?”

“We’re back in Lawrence. I’m on tour with Dean, but it’s as a solo act.” Cas set the bottle down and looked up at Balthazar. “Balth, did I make the right choice, or was I too lenient in letting you twist my arm?”

“Well, that’s not fair. I’ve never made you do anything you don’t want to do.”

Cas ran his fingers through his hair. “I know. Even when it could have made us - how did you say it? - filthy fucking rich, you never forced me to do it.” He picked up the mask in front of him, an emerald green one with gold embroidery and fringe, and gently traced his fingers over the ornate pattern. “I’m making a huge fucking mistake.”

“Cassie. You have been having this fight with yourself for the past month while the tour dates got finalized. We are here.” Balthazar picked the bottle up and cracked it open before handing it back to Cas. “If you need alcohol, I’ll give you a couple of shots after your set, per your rider.”

“Can we break my rider for once?” Cas pinched the bridge of his nose before picking up the bottle and taking a sip. “So, what do you need?”

“Since we’re borrowing Dean’s band for the tour, their leader - a handsome, hopefully single, drummer named Benny - is asking for a finalized setlist. He also wants to do a test run of a song or two with you for the sound crew.”

Cas pushed himself out of his seat and went back to his bedroom. He grabbed a notebook off of the bed. He stole a quick look at the picture on his nightstand - a reminder from his life 17 years ago - before rejoining Balthazar. He handed the paper over and sat back down. “Small change from the usual list.”

“Cassie...” Balthazar looked up from the setlist.

“I don’t need your criticism right now. I made sure that the song was on the possible choice list for the tour.” Cas put on his mask.

Balthazar shook his head. “Not criticizing. Just worried about you.”

…

Dean was on edge as the concert started. He had paced his dressing room until Tina & Her Pony started the first song of their set. Per his request, Charlie had gotten their music on his phone, so he could listen to it, but hearing them live was much better. He calmed down and finally sat on the sofa, drinking the water Sam forced on him.

“You look like you’re going to faint.” Sam took the seat in front of the mirror and checked himself before turning around to face Dean. “You do your grounding technique?”

“Yes, Samantha.” Dean rested his forehead in his palms and stared at the ground. “They’re probably not going to answer at the box office, are they?”

“You’re not going to find out, Dean.” Charlie looked up from her phone. “I will unplug that phone if necessary.”

Dean harrumphed and slunk down further into his seat.

“Seriously, Dean. What’s finding out if he’s here going to do? If he didn’t come, you’re going to be mopey. If he did come, you’re going to be so nervous you can’t perform.” Sam pointed at him. “Go through your grounding again.”

“I’m fine.” Dean closed his eyes and focused on the current set piping through the speakers. He gave himself a silent reminder to provide Charlie with a raise for picking the duo for the tour’s opening act.

A few songs later, one of the members thanked the audience and told them to enjoy the rest of the show. Dean opened his eyes and looked up to the monitor, and watched as they waved and stepped offstage. The stage crew stepped in quickly and prepped for the next set. Dean sat up in surprise as he watched them roll a baby grand onto the stage, not remembering which of Thursday James’ songs required it.

“Charlie?” Dean smacked her shoulder and pointed to the monitor. “I don’t remember that on his list.”

“I have no idea.” Charlie sat up in her seat and leaned forward, aptly paying attention alongside Dean.

…

Cas was incredibly impressed and surprised by how easily his set had gone so far. He was humbled and honored by the sheer number of people who were cheering for him, and he used their energy to wash away his dread and apprehension.

“Ladies, Men, and Gentlethem.” He pulled the mic out of the stand and spoke into it as he walked over to the piano. “There’s a little something special I wanted to do for you all tonight.”

The crowd cheered, and Cas took the opportunity to inhale deeply as he put the mic into the stand clipped on the piano.

“I’m sorry to disappoint, but it’s not a new song, but a song that you all are familiar with. When I first wrote it, I had intended it as a piano ballad.” Cas sat down and adjusted the mic. “A few of you may have already noted it missing from the lineup, but it’s one that I’ll always sing until I can’t anymore.”

Cas ran his fingers over the keys in a brief allegro, stirring the crowd up even more. He took in another deep breath and closed his eyes before hitting the first chord of the song.

Catch ’em by surprise and Chasin’ the horizon Nothing holds me down Askin’, “Where the time’s gone?” Dreamin’ with the lights on Tryna keep your eyes on Something along the rise

You and I Bide our time And I miss summertime

Cas found himself surprised by the number of cheers as he played. While he was there to perform for the concert-goers, this was for him. This was to get him through the remainder of the tour.

Catch him on the run, they Punish those who love young Never right on time Watch each other fallin’ Always catch the call and Whistle while we’re walkin’ Something inside me dies

You and I Why, oh, why? And I miss summertime

Cas swayed in his seat, letting the piano run through him. He fought back the tears that threatened to spill.

Keep on rockin’, baby Keep on risin’ on the tide Son of a gun and maybe We’ll be ridin’ all night Something inside me dies You and I, You and I Bide our time. And I, I miss summertime

You and I Why, oh, why? And I miss summertime

Cas hit the final chord of the song, and the venue exploded. He stared at the keys for a few moments, letting the tears fall softly before nodding. “Thank you, everyone. Enjoy the rest of the concert. Up in just a few minutes will be the amazing Brandi Carlile!”

He stood up and waved before quickly walking offstage. Balthazar led him to his dressing room. Once the door was shut, Balthazar pulled Cas into his arms and hugged him tightly. “I am so sorry, Cassie. I never realized it.”

“Realized what?” Cas sniffled.

“You two. You and Dean? You were together.”

Cas swallowed and looked up at Balthazar. At a loss for words, there was only one thing he could do. He broke down and sobbed into his cousin’s arms.

…

Dean was still shaking from Thursday’s set when he was given his five-minute warning. Brandi was terrific, and he looked forward to hanging out with her after the show, but the way that Thursday sang, the smooth whiskey sound, the profound heartbreak... Dean knew there was more there. Something was entirely familiar to him, and it was driving him crazy that he couldn’t put his finger on it.

Dean walked out to the stage, waiting in the wings for Benny to start their opening number with the rest of the band. He tried to shake himself loose, rolling his neck and stretching out when Charlie walked up to him.

“You’re working yourself up, Dean.”

“Yeah, and I’m about to come out to a sold-out auditorium, which is probably going to go viral. Forgive me if I’m nervous that I’m going to kill my career tonight.” Dean pulled his arm in front of his chest, stretching out his shoulder, before switching to the other.

“And you’re so full of shit.” Charlie looked out to the stage as Benny counted the band out. “Break a leg, Dean.” She stood up on tiptoe and kissed his cheek before stepping back further into the wing.

Dean shook himself out one more time, putting on a great big smile and ran out on stage, waving to the crowd. “Good Evening, Lawrence!”

The crowd roared, and Dean broke into his first song. Their energy was contagious, and it took all of Dean’s power to not come out right then and there. He wanted to ride the high and get it over with. But people came out on an excellent show, and he was going to give it to them. And it was all he could hope that they would still be fans when all was said and done.

After the eighth song in his set, yes, he’d been counting, Dean smiled at the crowd and winked. “I think it’s that time, huh?” He took his guitar that he had acquired during the second song off, and walked it to a stand. He picked up his acoustic guitar and grabbed a stool before setting back up in front of the mic.

“First and foremost, I want to thank y’all for coming out tonight.” Dean sat on the stool and pulled the guitar strap over his head. “I’m not sure if y’all know, but Lawrence is actually my hometown.” Cheers and whistles rifled through the crowd. “I was born and raised here, stayed until I was 19 years old. Ran off to Nashville, found a manager who thought I was decent, and here I am. Blessed by fans like y’all.

“And I mean it when I say I’m truly honored to have so many wonderful fans. But there’s something that’s been eating me up inside for a long time, and I need to be honest with y’all.” Dean strummed absentmindedly on his guitar, his fingers starting the beginning notes from memory. “Eleven years ago, my second album came out, and on it is a song that means so much to me.

But my manager, even though I’m not which one more, was concerned for my career and my safety. He refused to let me include it on the album unless I changed the pronouns.” Dean bristled at the hushed whispers going through the crowd. “While that song turned out to be one of my most significant hits, I’ve never forgiven myself for letting that change be forced onto it.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m gay. And Cas, if you’re out there. Anywhere. This has always been your song, sunshine.”

…

Cas fell off of the sofa.

The room spun around, and Balthazar joined him in a heartbeat as he stared up at the screen. His mind was racing a mile a minute as he thought through Dean’s discography.

I thought I knew the boy so well If he was sad, I couldn’t tell I missed the point I missed the signs So if he’s gone the fault is mine I know, I know a whole lot little things And even though I could list them one by one Oh, he would still be gone

Cas sucked in sharply. He knew this song. He knew it better than he would ever care to admit. He had often dreamt about it being for him.

His eyes are blue His hair was long In ’84 he was born In Baton Rouge His favorite song is “In My Life” I memorized his every move I knew his books, his car, his clothes But I paid no attention to what mattered most

Cas pushed himself up to his feet, relying on Balthazar’s shoulder for support. His eyes were locked on the screen, feet unable to move.

I never asked he never said And when he cried, I turned my head He dreamed his dreams behind closed doors That made them easy to ignore I know, I know I missed the forest for the trees All I have to show Oh, when he walked out the door The cold facts and nothing more

His eyes are blue His hair was long In ’84 he was born In Baton Rouge His favorite song is “In My Life” I memorized his every move I knew his books, his car, his clothes But I paid no attention to what mattered most

Cas started to the door, ignoring Balthazar calling after him. He ran out the door, making it to the stage as Dean began the final refrain.

His eyes are blue His hair was long In ’84 he was born In Baton Rouge His father’s tall His mother’s gone He moved out west when he was two The way he laughed The way he loved Oh my god, what did I do?

He dreamed his dreams behind closed doors I never asked he never said

Cas looked out to the crowd as Dean got a standing ovation. He wanted Dean to have this moment, to know that the audience would still love him, regardless of orientation. But Cas also wanted to know if Dean still loved him. He needed to know.

He started to walk out on stage when a hand wrapped around his arm and pulled him back. “Holy shit. Cas? You? You’re here?” Charlie looked him up and down. “Oh my god. Thursday James. Castiel James Novak.”

“Please, Charlie. Can I?”

“You have a lot of explaining to do, but you both do.” She turned him around and pushed him gently. “Go get him, and make him whole again. Please.”

…

Dean gave a final wave to the crowd before turning to walk off of the stage. He looked up from his boots, and his eyes met the bluest eyes he’d ever seen, and he’d never forget. Dean’s knees went weak and out from under him, and he grabbed the stool he’d just been sitting on. “Cas?”

An electric buzz shot through the crowd as the realization settled over the venue. Cas looked out to the audience, then took a few steps closer. Dean pushed himself to his knees, staring in awe.

“Hello, Dean.”

Dean looked Cas up and down when everything clicked. “Thursday... Castiel. Fuck. How did I...?”

Cas finished closing the distance between them and held his hand down. Dean took it and allowed Cas to help pull him to his feet. Once standing, Dean hesitantly reached forward, his hand faintly touching Cas’ cheek. Cas took Dean’s hand and pressed it against his cheek, and Dean felt the first sob wreck through his body.

“That song has always been for me?” Cas whispered, and Dean nodded, unable to find his words out of shock. “You never stopped?”

“Loving you?” Dean shook his head. “Never. It has always been you, Cas. I knew what I lost, and I couldn’t move on. I won’t ever move on from you.”

Cas leaned in and pressed his lips softly against Dean’s, and Dean felt Cas’ mouth break into a smile as cheers erupted from the crowd. “Am I dreaming, Dean?”

“God, I hope not, Cas.” Dean brought his other hand up, holding Cas’ face as he rested their foreheads together. “I have missed you, so much, Cas.”

“You don’t have to anymore, Dean.” Cas kissed Dean again, reclaiming his lost love for himself and no longer dreaming behind closed doors.

[elliepassmore]

The Winter Duke review

4/5 stars Recommended for people who like: fantasy, magic, lesbian characters, power struggles, political intrigue, mysteries, LGBTQ+ representation I really enjoyed We Rule the Night and so was excited to see this author had published another book, albeit not in the same world. Unfortunately, I didn’t like this one nearly as much as I liked Night, even though it did follow through on its wlw potential. For starters, Winter Duke starts off very slowly. I really struggled to get into the book despite its premise and despite the fact that there is some action in chapter 2. However, chapter 1 and many of the chapters that followed were rather slow going and involved a lot of discussion and not a lot of action. Even the parts when Ekata gets to travel Below were somewhat meh (though I will say that the worldbuilding was fantastic and I very much enjoyed the descriptions of Below). Nevertheless, I feel like even with the tension in some scenes, most of the action occurs in chapter 2 and in the last 1/3 to 1/4 of the book. Another issue I had is that Ekata lets people push her around too easily. She is grand duke and, yeah, sure, maybe she didn’t want the position, but she was still raised as a princess or whatever the duchy equivalent is, yet she lets people bowl over her like its nothing. Ekata then complains that people don’t listen to her and do things without her knowledge, but she barely stands up for herself. Maybe the things that happen in the book would have still happened if she had asserted herself, maybe not, but she wouldn’t have been so passive about it at least. Further, though she admits she’s unsuited to the position of grand duke, she allows her ministers to not tell her things and doesn’t even read the documents she signs about trade agreements and what not. If she wants to at least be a good provisional grand duke and get people to listen to her, you’d think she’d put a little effort into making herself knowledgeable. To be fair to her, she does start trying to remember the dignitaries present, but that’s only halfway through the book. My third issue, which is also still kind of my second issue, is that Ekata doesn’t like her family and wants to be better…but then she tries to act just like her father and brother as soon as she becomes grand duke, even when people suggest to her that maybe she shouldn’t try to replicate them. She uses her brain to try and sort through the curse, but she doesn’t use it to try and rule and instead attempts to mirror her despotic father. Her behavior even impacts how she interacts with the people Below, who she’s long wondered about and loved and wanted to study, and the people she loves, and not in a good way. I get making mistakes and mirroring the behavior of people we know, and I get using stuff like this for tension, but my issue with this comes in when so many of Ekata’s problems would’ve been solved if she used her own brain for five minutes instead of trying to be her father and brother (or even looked over the end of her own nose). Like, she’s complaining that she doesn’t want to be grand duke, then refuses a parliament. Like…why? Just why? She’s afraid of the absolute power her father and brother would have to kill her and believes in her family’s right to rule instead of ‘peasants,’ but she doesn’t see the irony in how parliament would take away that absolute killing power and in how the woman she says is more a mother than her own is a freaking peasant. So many of her issues and tensions in this book would’ve been avoided if Ekata had just stayed herself the entire time. For things I do like, I enjoyed the focus on science + magic. Bartlett does a good job combining the two in a way that makes sense and doesn’t contradict one another. Magic in this world is less understood than science, but there are still rules and ways to study it alongside more concrete things like anatomy and chemistry. There is a more heavy lean on magic in this book than there was in Night, but I liked the different balance and found the exploration of it interesting. In this same vein, the worldbuilding was excellent as well and I enjoyed the little details that didn’t have much to do with the plot, but made it feel more real. There’s good LGBTQ+ rep in the book as well. Ekata is, obviously, gay and Inkar is as well. Sigis, one of the antagonists, is at least bi, if not pan, as is Lyosha, Ekata’s oldest brother. Several other named characters are nonbinary and at least one or two is asexual. There are also unnamed characters who are gay or bi as well. I think there’s also probably a lot of fluidity allowed in the world in terms of gender representation, since there are some women in the book called ‘prince’ and Ekata herself is called a grand duke, not a grand duchess. I also really liked some of the side characters. Aino, Ekata’s nursemaid and quasi-adoptive mother, is an absolute powerhouse. That woman manages to not only take care of Ekata and protect her from literal dangers that may creep into her room, but she also manages to fend off some of the ministers and dignitaries, steal Ekata’s mother’s jewelry, and plot to help herself and Ekata escape. Truly a background hero. Aino clearly cares for Ekata and wants what’s best for her, and she seems like an excellent person to have as a friend and defender. Further, Aino often provides some snippy commentary that I enjoy. Inkar, Ekata’s trial wife, is also a character that I enjoyed, but she, like Ekata, is stuck up in certain ways from being raised royalty, which causes some issues between her and Aino. To Inkar, the world of Kylma Above is completely foreign to her and her interactions with everything are as new as ours, making her one of the vessels for worldbuilding. Despite her view on servants, she doesn’t have the same problems Ekata seems to sympathizing with more common people and she gets on splendidly with the guards of the palace. Actually…aside from Aino, PM Eirhan, and Sigis, she seems to get along swell with everyone around her, even those who were once held hostage by her or her father. Overall, Inkar’s a very enjoyable character to read about. As for the main character, Ekata, I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I listed a lot of the problems I have with her above, which led to me thinking I just wasn’t a fan of her character until around the last fourth or so of the book. On the other hand, she has some very funny lines throughout the book and I enjoyed how she was focused on science and used it to calm herself. I also liked her obvious love for Kylma, even if a lot of her thoughts about it are coated in ignorance or memories of her family. Overall I don’t think I entirely like Ekata, but I definitely don’t dislike her. I feel bad for her, honestly, since, as mentioned, a lot of her problems could’ve been circumvented if she’d just decided to be herself the entire time (and maybe extend herself a little to learn about the duchy, the dignitaries, and the agreements she’s signing). There are a lot more bad guys than good in this one, and it seems like one is around every corner. Eirhan is perhaps the most slithery of them, and it’s hard to tell whose side he’s on, though it largely seems to be his own. I found him to be an infuriating character, but didn’t hate him the same way I hate Sigis. Sigis, Ekata’s foster brother and a king in his own right, is just downright horrendous and deserves a sword through his back. Slimy and conniving, Sigis revels in others’ discomfort and is the picture beside the dictionary term ‘toxic masculinity.’ He does not, I believe, know the meaning of the word ‘no’ and simply thinks the world is his for the taking and by right. Overall I feel pretty much the same way about this book as I do about Ekata: I don’t dislike it, but I don’t entirely like it either. The worldbuilding was good and I really enjoyed the two main side characters, even if I didn’t like a lot of the other characters (though with them being antagonists, I’m going to say that was on purpose).

[ladykateofledfordpark]

Here's your chance to gush about your favorite regency husband: what are your top 10 favorite things about Ernest?

Kato, you are the BEST! Thank you for this ask.

So ten things? Hmmm. Can I summarise it with Hufflepuff? ;)

Ahhh fine. I guess I'll have to gush, then. XD

1. Ernest gives to everyone, even to people who don't deserve it

Whether to "women of ill repute", servants or anyone else, Ernest gives.

He gives those women food, clothes- and for some- a better life.

He gives his servants food (as in grouse) and personally delivered a letter for his steward like an errand boy, just because he was passing by the area.

And the most amazing part? Even after everything his wife did to him, he still took her in when Mr. Richards turned her away. It is just so amazing and shows what an amazing person he is.

2. He respects MC and will never force himself on her

Can we talk about how much he loves MC? Ernest respects her so much. For example, when her shoe fell in that diamond scene in the lake, Ernest looked away. That is basically the equivalent of undressing, and he looked away. Can you think of anyone today who would do the same?

And the never forcing himself on her part? He apologizes in the bridge diamond scene in Book 1 for forcing himself on her, even when it was mutual. And my favorite part that really shows it is this:

He tells MC in that cuddle scene that no matter if she's ready or not, it's okay. Nothing she does will ever disappoint him, and I just love that. It truly shows how much he cares for her, and I love it so much.

3. He doesn't like violence, but will use it when necessary

Ernest isn't the type to rush blindly into the fray. He hates killing, but will do so when necessary. I realized that mostly from his diamond scene in the hunt in book 2. Ernest says he doesn't like shooting grouse, but he does do that sometimes, when he has to.

You can also see how in Book 1 he threatens to harm Mr. Richards if he dares to lay a hand on MC again, and in Book 2 (if you romance him)- the duel. In both of these times he basically says "Enough is enough", but in the first time, for example, he only threatens to harm, instead of hurting Mr. Richards immediately.

4. He never looks down on anyone

In the Regency era, in order to be acknowledged you needed to be a wealthy, white, straight male. Anything other than that and you were basically worthless.

But Ernest's best friend, as it looks like it, is Mr. Chambers, a gay male. Ernest doesn't pay any attention to his sexuality, and never treats him any differently because of that.

In another instance (again to Ernest romancers), if Ernest heads for the duel, he chooses Mr. Harper as his second when there's literally a prince in the same room. As he says, "I trust you with my life". He sees Mr. Harper as an equal he can always trust, even when Mr. Harper is "just" a servant.

Not to mention his servants, whom he gives so much to, or the "women of ill repute". If he looked down on them he would never give them as much as he does. Instead he would say that they don't deserve his kindness, and we know he never does that.

5. He always sees the good in people, yet knows who doesn't deserve it

Ernest always sees the good in people who deserve it. The poor "women of ill repute" and his servants really show that, though you can see it in other cases.

That is what made him open up to MC in the first place. The fact he realized that even if she was a gold digger, no-one deserved Mr. Richards.

In so many instances he showed that. Among them I can think of the bridge scene in Book 1 and one line in Book 2. Only someone who sees the good in people can say that.

Yet even with that, Ernest knows who doesn't deserve his kindness. After Mr. Richards betrayed him, Ernest doesn't waste his time in a useless attempt to see the good in him. On the contrary: he's one of the first people to warn MC about him.

6. He teases MC and has no problem making fun of himself

Throughout the books Ernest and MC constantly tease each other, and I love it. That was one of the first things that won me over about him.

7. He's selfless

Ernest will always do good, even if he's hurt from it. You really see that in Book 1 with the "women of ill repute" he helps, even when it hurts his own reputation.

8. He does good, just because

Ernest doesn't look for any credit for the amazing things he does. He does them just because, and would even hide them just in order for them to be as pure as possible. Can I just say how amazing that is?

9. He's gentle

Ernest is very gentle with MC. This does connect to the never-forces-himself thing, but I find that so attractive. I will always prefer a sweet, gentle line over a dark and heedy look, or a kind and gentle kiss over a passionate one. They're both great, and the fact that Ernest can also be gentle, at least at first, means so much to me. It really shows how much he loves her.

10. He's not ashamed to act childish

So many times Ernest acts childish with MC. When he meets her in Grovershire, in the lake... yes, she brings out that side of him, but he doesn't ever try to hide it.

Obviously there are more, but these are the main things. =)

[realmauricioalejo]

you don’t have to say you love me...

☆ — wilmer valderrama, cis male, thirty-nine. hey, did you see MAURICIO ALEJO MARTINEZ’s latest instagram story? he’s been killing it as AN ACTOR over at ALLIANCE STUDIOS though i hear he’s worried about being typecasted into ROM COMS so he’s trying to break into the ACTION GENRE. people on set have praised him for being so PROFESSIONAL + RESOURCEFUL but they’ve also said he can be DISTANT + COMPETITIVE. at least he’s killing it in the industry.

why don’t you tell me you love me, too...

History

Mauricio was never supposed to be a superstar, his family had very humble beginnings. He was born in the poorer area of Medellín, Colombia, the second child to be born to his parents. It was the 80’s and the Colombian telenovela market was booming. One of the biggest studios, Camarón, was exporting novelas to the entirety of Latin America, to great success. Mauricio’s start in the industry was out of chance, his mother worked as a custodian at Camarón and had many friends that let her know all of the gossip and ins and outs of the studio, that way she knew whenever there were open calls. Mauricio was pushed by his mother and partly by his father, to audition, at first he did badly, but eventually the casting directors saw something in him, enough to put him in small roles on some telenovelas, usually playing a son or younger brother who didn’t have many lines.

 Out of the three children, he was the only one who managed to get his foot in the industry, his older brother never liked it, and his younger sister was never cast, despite countless attempts. Mauricio’s early to mid teenage years were spent booking small television roles and commercials that aired all over Colombia, and Latin America. All of the money he made went towards the family, and allowed them to have nicer things and move to a better area. Despite the good that it was providing his family, his siblings resented him, because Mauricio was treated like the golden child, the one that was giving honor to their family name.

His first big role was that of Jenny’s younger brother in Jenny la Fea, when he was 19. He had honed his craft enough at that point to be able to pull of the lovable younger brother, and Colombia began to fall in love with him.

Landing that role is what made his career boom, landing him bigger and better parts, and as he was getting older, he was getting actual romantic parts. As he entered his twenties and began to bulk up, he began landing parts that only leading men ever got. He was shaping up to be a full-blown telenovela hunk, with photoshoots lined up so that girls and women could hang up his pictures worldwide.

Mauricio had enough money at this point in his career, to move his family into a mansion in Colombia, and even moved himself to Mexico, having outgrown the Colombian market. He also paid for his brother’s rehab, and tried to get him the best treatment. He had always been troubled, but whenever Mauricio’s career took off, he always had to contend with familial issues. It was a constant pull in different directions. 

On top of that there was the fact that he was deeply closeted the entire time. From the start Mauricio had known he liked men, something that he knew was unacceptable for the fanbase he was working for. And especially for his family. They had always been deeply religious and instilled in him that he had to be a man, tough and strong, just like the men he portrayed on screen. And being gay was definitely not a strong quality, despite how challenging it was for him.

Being alone in Mexico, trying to make it big in an even larger market was a task for him, but one that he was prepared to take on. He was cast in novelas alongside many of Mexico’s heavy hitters, during this he got especially close to one of his co-stars, Tiago. He and Tiago were viewed as one of the best friendships in the industry, the two played rivals in a telenovela, Rosa, but were close as thieves in real life.

The truth was that he and Tiago had fallen in love, countless hours on a set, long nights in trailers, and hotel rooms, had brought out the truth that they were both smitten by each other. They were inseparable but kept up the façade to everyone that they were just friends, afraid that their careers would end up in flames.

They kept up their charade long after they had wrapped up filming together, and moved on to other telenovela projects, finding time to spend together in secret. Both dated women for the media but knew where their true hearts were.

Mauricio was wrapping up his last telenovela when the worst moment of his life happened, he and Tiago had been photographed kissing during a moment of passion on a balcony of one of Mexico’s most exclusive hotels, and said photograph was being spread across all the tabloids in Latin America.

He and his team had no idea what to do with everything happening. So many of his fans were put off by the reality that their heartthrob could be gay. It was surely going to affect what roles came his way, and it did. His team advised him to deny, deny, deny, and double down on his relationship with Maria, another actress who needed the spotlight. Tiago had already denied it was him in the photos, and cut him off completely, choosing his career over their relationship that had spanned years at that point. Mauricio refused to play into the game, tired of hiding and came out.

His coming out process wasn’t easy, he decided to film a video that he uploaded to the internet, where he explained how his life had been up to that point, making sure to not include Tiago’s name. He was met with mostly negative feedback from his community, his fanbase, and some positives from people that felt he was representing them.

His family wasn’t accepting of it at all, and his parents cut him off completely. They felt Mauricio, the son that had brought them such pride, now just brought them shame. They couldn’t see past what they were taught, and let Mauricio know that if he wanted to be accepted as their son, he needed to choose a better walk of life.

All of this left him practically alone, with his career in shambles, it was truly the darkest period of his life. He felt that almost overnight his life had been flipped upside down, all of the illusions that he’d had of the world were stripped away and he was left standing alone with the reality of what it all was.

With nothing left to do, he moved himself to the US, taking some time to himself to recharge and find his footing. He knew that he had to come up with a new plan for his career, he wasn’t getting any of the offers he used to. None of his old fans wanted to see him as the heartthrob anymore, they didn’t buy it.

 His early thirties were a time of change and planning, he had through the Los Angeles scene, met with filmmakers, some that had heard of his story and they wanted to cast him in a film. It was an indie film about a gay man in love with the ghost haunting his home. Mauricio wasn’t sure how he felt about taking part in it, but he wasn’t getting any other offers, so he took it. The movie went on to be a hit in the indie circuit, debuting to a lot of acclaim, and becoming a cult favorite.

That was enough to then land him a small role television role as a quirky love interest to one of the female protagonists, people were believing him in the role of a straight man again, only this time it was for an entirely different market.

He landed a couple rom-coms, as the latin lover with an accent that wooed the girl, that did well in the box office, making a name for himself in America. His career was starting to gain traction again, after having almost completely died.

After his biggest rom com, he was on the radar of Hollywood execs, enough that he was eyed for the role of Pedro Plume, the Lunar-lord in Champions of the Universe. It was one of Alliance Studios’ biggest projects in their superhero franchise and he knew that if he were to land it, it would solidify him as a star in the American market.

When he was confirmed for the role of Pedro, it was the happiest day of his life. It meant that he had survived everything that he had been through.

Mauricio is still trying to take control of his career, and focus on big action movies, rather than being pigeonholed as the latin lover, but that is proving easier now that he is the Lunar-lord, and has a couple Champions of the Universe movies under his belt.  

Es que a tus labios, no los entiendo.

[kaypeace21]

CODE RED: Will is going to be Number 12!

exhibit A) Matthew Modine (who plays Dr.Brenner) posted this on instagram. 

Exhibit B) I already discussed why Will has powers in more detail here.  

“Both El and Will could communicate through different dimensions (Will exploded 2 phones , El exploded a radio at the school). Both of their moms’ had “crazy aunts” - powers are genetic. Both had their brain waves monitored at the lab and their measurements were off the charts, plus they were being unknowingly recorded on video. El and Will are the only people who could touch, speak, and hear each other in the void. They both tore through walls (with that pink gunk between the normal world and upside down). They both can track others when concentrating -Will found Hopper, El found Will. Both communicated psychically by transferring their conscious- El to talk to Mike in his basement using the void (in s2) & Will to his mom in the living room (in s1). They are the only magical d&d characters (mage & cleric). When El uses her powers to their highest capabilities, her eyes turn red (at the end of s1 and 2 ) … so it’s interesting that when Will was fighting for control of his ownbody his eyes went from hazel to black. And in s1, Will’s storyline is all about him communicating through flickering/shining lights- and when El uses her powers lights always flicker.Also before Will goes missing , he asks Dustin for his X-men comic- later in reference to El ,Dustin asks “Do you think El was born with her powers like the X-men?” And when Mike says El is “channeling him (Will)”. Dustin says “like professor x”. clearly hinting that they were both born with powers, like the X-men.

In s1 Will was described to be “shadow walking”  In D&D Shadow walking is – “ largely illusory, but  quasi-real. characters can use this spell to travel rapidly by stepping onto the Plane of Shadow, moving the desired distance, and then stepping back onto the Material Plane.” This quote perfectly summarizes Will’s power - which he was shown to be using in s1 & s2 (before his possession)- he can be partially-present and can physically interact with both dimensions at the same time. This explains how he was standing in the real world next to Mike in the field, while the mind flayer took possession of him in the upside down version of the same field.

Also, in the show, the only people who have powers are women: Terri, Kali, and El. However, in the cannon prequel novel “suspicious minds”  Terri, Alice, Gloria, and Ken have powers. So as of now, Ken is the only guy in the ST universe who has powers … and he just so happens to be gay . And people suspect Will is gay… so… on to the next point XD

The show and comic hint Will had dormant powers or used them and was unaware he was doing so (before the upside down incident). He sent himself accidentally to the upside down (the lightbulb glowed just like all the lights in Hawkins did when El closed the gate in s2) also El accidentally sent herself there too.  The comic heavily implies Will was born with several powers (similar to how El has multiple powers). His may be shadow walking, teleportation, and invisibility. All 3 of these powers in D&D are powers of a wizard/sorcerer - which is synonymous with the term mage (which is used to describe El). Also, in the show the password Will picks for castle byers is ‘Rhadagast’ (a wizard in lord of the rings). According to D&D invisibility is a level 1, teleportation is level 5, and shadow walking is a level 6 in order of increasing difficulty. However, It wasn’t until Will’s possession that Will truly became a cleric (which I’ll explain in detail later). Will always had powers and was unaware he was using them (before the upside down incident)- the only powers he used at the time were invisibility and teleportation .Do you guys remember when Jonathan said Will was “good at hiding” cause teleportation and invisibility seem like something a kid who hid from his abusive father might of used accidentally A LOT!

However after his possession, Will becomes a cleric. “Clerics are given their powers by a god” (in this case he would have been given similar powers to the mindflayer). So will is going to be OP as F***!”

And before that post, I discussed why I thought Will & El would be kidnapped by the government at the end of s3 here 

 Exhibit c) “The promotional poster for st3 states “One summer can change everything”. While David Harbour states , “There is a major event at the end of ST3 that will dramatically change the course of the rest of the series”.

in the 1st pic a gun’s pointed at her face  and in the second she’s being led away into a helicopter

The next photos show Joyce and Will hugging ,but in the following pics Will is gone.

Essentially the scenes of the kids looking back at the empty Byers’ house is the last scene in s3. Every season has a one month time skip- and the clothes that Dustin, Mike, and Max were wearing included pants and or long sleeves. The fact they spoiled the ending indicates it’s a red herring.  It’s not simply that the Byers moved- it’s that they moved due to the trauma of losing Will. I believe throughout the season Joyce will want to move (like Bob wanted)- the only thing holding her back is the fact that Will’s support system (his friends) and Hopper are there.But after Will is taken away she leaves.”

exhibit D) Will’s comic references Dr Brenner and a novel that foreshadows later events, post here.

“Martini? Like Dr. Martin Brenner! Who the Duffer’s said they’re bringing back. And if what I said about the s3 finale of El and Will being kidnapped by the government is true. It would make sense for s4 to be where he’s brought back.”

In the book “The 2 main characters are very similar to Will and El. Literally the boy , Peter is quiet, gay-coded,and in love with his “protective” childhood bff . And Lola (sounds like s1 El-androgynous, buzz cut, brown hair, and eyes)-they team up to survive and are the first to meet. Essentially, Peter and Lola’s platonic love for each other- and their dependence on each other , allows them to keep their morality, mental health, and physical safety in tact- and this will probably echo the Will/El dynamic.It’s about a psychiatrist who kidnaps and tries to brainwash orphans into becoming weapons/spies for the government.”

So YEAH, along with all that, the fact that Will went missing in s1, and El was missing for most of s2, only verifies to me that both will be taken at the end of s3 and be separated from Mike and others for most of s4 (since it would have Will & El’s stories finally converge). Alot of people don’t realize that Will and El’s narrative arcs have been paralleled to one another through the whole series.The fact that they both have powers, were both used as spies, have ptsd, are both described as ‘quiet’, both had their dads force them to kill animals, had abusive dads who used them for their own gain (Papa- as a spy, Lonnie for the settlement money), had narrative arcs where they tried to get back to their mothers- and back to their “home” (friends & family), willing to sacrifice their lives to save everyone else from the monster,  same stuffed lion plushie. The fact it’s practically cannon Will was the one who made up the whole “friends don’t lie” thing - that El loves so much. Since in ep 1, Will was honest with Mike about having a bad roll , despite Dustin and Lucas encouraging him to lie to Mike.

 And this is why it’s pretty much confirmed to me. Honestly, I’m going to cry so much in s4 when we first see Will with a buzzcut and the number 12 tattooed on his wrist... and El with a buzzcut again and both being experimented on. Also in s4, we’ll also see the other numbers in Brenner’s care as well. As it would match with the poster and the book “House of stairs” that was referenced in Will’s comic book. * I encourage you to look at my links, since I went into more detail :)

[artemis-entreri]

[[ This post contains Part 6 of my review/analysis of the Forgotten Realms/Drizzt novel, Boundless, by R. A. Salvatore. As such, the entirety of this post’s content is OOC. ]]

Genre: Fantasy

Series: Generations: Book 2 | Legend of Drizzt #35 (#32 if not counting The Sellswords)

Publisher: Harper Collins (September 10, 2019)

My Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

Additional Information: Artwork for the cover of Boundless and used above is originally done by Aleks Melnik. This post CONTAINS SPOILERS. Furthermore, this discussion concerns topics that I am very passionate about, and as such, at times I do use strong language. Read and expand the cut at your own discretion.

Contents:

Introduction

I. Positives I.1 Pure Positives I.2 Muddled Positives

II. Mediocre Writing Style II.1 Bad Descriptions II.2 Salvatorisms II.3 Laborious “Action”

III. Poor Characterization III.1 “Maestro” III.2 Lieutenant III.3 Barbarian III.4 “Hero” III.5 Mother

IV. World Breaks IV.1 Blinders Against the Greater World IV.2 Befuddlement of Earth and Toril IV.3 Self-Inconsistency IV.4 Dungeon Amateur IV.5 Utter Nonsense

V. Ego Stroking V.1 The Ineffable Companions of the Hall V.2 Me, Myself, and I

VI. Problematic Themes (you are here) VI.1 No Homo VI.2 Disrespect of Women VI.3 Social-normalization VI.4 Eugenics

VII. What’s Next VII.1 Drizzt Ascends to Godhood VII.2 Profane Redemption VII.3 Passing the Torch VII.4 Don’t Notice Me Senpai

Problematic Themes

No Homo

Boundless continues to perpetuate some long-standing regressive to outright harmful ideas, as well as introducing new ones. There are two that are the biggest. The first is something that's existed for over two decades in the Drizzt books, and something that I've criticized Salvatore for for a long time: the fetishization of sapphic relationships. While Boundless is an improvement (and a bit of an oddity for Salvatore) in that it doesn't include any gratuitous lesbian sex scenes or allusions, it still very much perpetuates an imbalanced representation, such that it wouldn't be fair to describe it as true representation. Yet again, despite it being canon that the default sexuality in the Realms is pansexuality as opposed to heterosexuality in our world, the only people that we see in Boundless that are capable of same sex attractions are female. Ever since the token gay guy Afrafrenfere's epiphany that everything else he'd been engaged in, which includes his deceased boyfriend, was a distraction from enlightenment, there hasn't been so much of an implication that men could be attracted to other men in Salvatore's Realms. There exists more chemistry between Harbonair and Zaknafein than between Zaknafein and Dab'nay, which is rather sad given that the latter pair are actively sexual with each other. There's of course the possibility that Salvatore just doesn't know how to write gay male chemistry, but to be fair, his heterosexual chemistry is pretty bad. Most of it is just sex or another physical act spontaneously happening that triggers a change in the nature of the relationship, for instance, the start of the relationship between Entreri and Calihye. There's so much background "everyone is heterosexual" stuff going on that to be inclusive, Salvatore just needs to mention that there's more than one man in an orgy rather than it always being one man to many women. Or, better yet, use an example directly from the world canon that other authors have used, namely, that the workers of a brothel or attendants in a temple of Sune are of more than one gender and that a male client is greeted by both male, female, and other gender-identifying attendants. Casual inclusion of this nature isn't difficult, and we see Salvatore do it with sapphic stuff enough that leads me to believe that it's a choice on his part not to be fully inclusive. 

An example of when Salvatore could've gone for inclusion, but instead went for fetishization, is in the scene of Dahlia infiltrating a Waterdhavian nobles' ball:

This isn't much better than gratuitous lesbian sex scenes at the total exclusion of gay men. It's completely unnecessary for Salvatore to have specified that women also drooled after Dahlia; simply stating "people" would've been sufficient. It's not like Salvatore doesn't have many chances and setups where he can drop a hint that gay men exist in the Realms like he does so frequently for gay women. Oftentimes, Salvatore's writing feels very much like he realizes that there's "too much" chemistry between two male characters, such that he has to throw in a "NO HOMO" wrench. For instance:

While there isn't anything inherently gay in this passage, there isn't anything inherently gay in so many places where Salvatore artificially injected "these women are sapphic" indicators. Yet here, between two male characters, it's specifically clarified that it's brotherly love. Love is love, it shouldn't have to be clarified like this. Sure, some people might jump to romantic love, but so what? This was a good opportunity to at the very least, leave it vague, but apparently Salvatore can't stomach it enough that he has to cross the possibility out with a bold black marker (maybe its the same sharpie he uses on the tapestry of Faerûn). It's as though the possibility of romantic love between two men somehow taints the sacredness of their bond. Salvatore's writing style is very old-fashioned and set in its ways, but that's no excuse not to change. Despite his espoused views on social media, Salvatore's lack of representation in his writing suggests a discomfort that he doesn't want to address. This is increasingly problematic as we try to push to a better world with more acceptance and equality. Inclusion isn't truly inclusion if it's done with only a portion of the population. 

Disrespect of Women

What Salvatore does with sapphic women is fetishization, which is additionally problematic because it's a short hop from objectification of women. This point is one that I haven't touched on much in the past, but it's glaring in Boundless because in this novel, Salvatore also tries to demonstrate respect of women. Salvatore has a long history of poorly-written female characters. In his books, a female character's most redeeming characteristics were that she was hot and young. For a while, I could tell which female characters were there to stay, which were doomed to die from the get-go, and which would suffer horribly as they met their inevitable end. It always had to do with how physically attractive the character was, and usually with respect to how she measured up to Catti-brie's beauty. Not counting female villains like Sheila Kree who were not coincidentally unattractive, protagonist characters weren't spared this treatment. For instance, Delly Curtie didn't hold a candle to Catti and could barely find happiness with Catti's rejected suitor. By the same token, Innovindil, who, despite being a full-blooded elf, wasn't as beautiful as Catti, and was subsequently very short-lived. Dahlia, another full-blooded elf who wasn't as beautiful as Catti, admittedly didn't die (yet), but what she went through is arguably worse. Dahlia is portrayed to be very much second best to Catti, from her looks to her rejection by Drizzt to Catti outright beating Dahlia in a fight. So, of course, Dahlia gets stuck with Entreri, who's frequently portrayed as second best to Drizzt. Salvatore does deserve credit for trying to break the mold with Penelope Harpell and Wulfgar, but Penelope's appearance doesn't leave much of an impression. We're reminded multiple times that she's an older woman, and the focus is on her personality, but with how often younger female characters' physical appearance is mentioned and re-mentioned, it gives the impression that Salvatore doesn't believe older women can be physically attractive. As always, Catti-brie was an exception to the rule, for even in her mid-forties, "her form, a bit thicker with age, perhaps, but still so beautiful and inviting to [Drizzt]", a characterization that follows another sentence describing how beautiful she was barely a page prior. But we don't hear such about Penelope, instead, we're told about the strengths of her personality, which are admirable, but only become the focus for her, rather than for a young-appearing strong female character like Yvonnel the Second. This is not to mention that someone's form probably shouldn't be characterized as inviting, as that is something the person should do, not something done by the person's looks. The objectification of women is problematic enough on its own, but instead of addressing the issue, Salvatore appears to consider it sufficient to put in a significant anecdote featuring a temporary character to prove that he is an ally to women. The mysterious "demon" possessing the little girl Sharon is painted as a moral adjudicator, entrapping the evil in its unbreakable cocoons filled with wasps that have human faces. Before this "demon" entraps Entreri, it ensnares an old man, whom we're simply told is an old lecher, with no insight about what makes him such and what wrongdoings he'd committed. All we know is that he and his wife attempted to kidnap Sharon and threatened to kill her if she resisted. It's not very clear what's going on in that scenario or what the couple's intentions were. The man's description shifts suddenly from nothing to "old lecher", and he is damned to an eternity of suffering. But how was he a lecher? Was Salvatore trying to imply that he intended to sexually assault Sharon? Or was human trafficking one of his many sins, with the "lecher" part referring to how he is towards women? While all of these crimes certainly warrant harsh punishment, the message that Salvatore's trying to convey isn't clear. Furthermore, the anecdote gives the reader zero satisfaction in the guy's punishment, because we're only marginally invested in what's happened. His anecdote is nothing more than a cheap and lazy setup to illustrate what the "demon" can do.

Social-normalization

The second of the two worst among Salvatore's long-standing problematic themes is the simplified and social-normative qualifications of what makes a person worthwhile. To put it simply, one is good and just if they are the Companions of the Hall and/or act like them, despite the many many ways that the Companions behave unheroically and hypocritically. On the flip side, one who doesn't subscribe to or follow the model of the Companions is evil, bad, or not worthy of existence unless they change to become like the Companions. Of the latter group, it isn't sufficient to change to become a different version of themselves. For instance, during the demonic assault, Zaknafein throws himself into the fray of battle, risking his life, yet again, for his ungrateful son. Yet, Drizzt's takeaway from watching his father do this is, "joy to see his father so willingly risking his life for the cause of the goodly folk of the Crags". There appears to be a subconscious inconsistency here on Salvatore's part, for he even writes that Zaknafein helps the dwarves because Zaknafein knows it's what his son wants him to do, so removing Drizzt from the picture, Zaknafein wouldn't be doing it solely on behalf of the dwarves. Zaknafein isn't Drizzt, and that's a good thing, for not everything needs to be a Drizzt clone, but Salvatore doesn't seem to agree with that assessment. 

Salvatore doesn't seem to realize that Drizzt is the problematic one. Boundless represents a point in time in which it's been awhile since Zaknafein has returned. During this time, while Zaknafein has been trying to adapt and adjust his worldviews, Drizzt's perspective hasn't changed at all, despite Jarlaxle spending a great amount of time talking to him about Zaknafein and presumably helping Drizzt get past the initial emotional turmoil of the return of Zaknafein and his own struggles with reconciling the past and the present. There's also a double-standard here, for while Entreri is forced to change because enough time has gone by, Drizzt isn't. 

It really seems to be the message that the only characters that are good and valid need to be as close to Drizzt as possible, and this belief applied to Entreri has been the cause of the assassin's increasingly poor characterization. Entreri has become a "better person" by the narrator's approximation, a quality that is, yet again, not coincidentally synonymous to being an ally to the Companions of the Hall. Artemis Entreri may very well have become a better version of himself, but that is not, and should not be, becoming more like the Companions of the Hall. By whose definition is "a better person" anyway? By Drizzt's? By the Companions'? It's often the case that those that believe that they are the definition of what's right and define others' morality relative to themselves are the least qualified to do so. 

Eugenics

Although not as prominent as the two themes already mentioned, one final consistent problematic theme of Salvatore's in the Drizzt books that I'd like to discuss is the idea that mediocrity and excellence are inherited traits. Boundless reminds us yet again that all of the offspring of Rizzen are as unpromising as he is, and while it isn't specifically stated that all the offspring of Zaknafein is very much otherwise, we have over thirty books basically telling us that so it probably doesn't need to be repeated. While it is true that genetics do play a role in determining what makes up a person, genetics do not lock in guaranteed results. Yet, the undistinguished Rizzen sired "the mediocrity of Nalfein", and as though that insult wasn't bad enough, "His pants fell down, too. Again, and as expected, unimpressive." Dinin "would do Rizzen proud", but that's not saying a whole lot because it was in the context of the total failure of Nalfein. There's a further level of problematic theme here, for perpetuating the stereotype that a man's worth is at all related to the size of his genitalia. All of that aside, not everyone is privileged enough to be born to top specimens, and those that weren't inherently already have a struggle on their hands. They don't deserve to have the idea that they'll be mediocre no matter what perpetuated. Genetics might be what makes an individual, but what defines them is the actions that they take.

[brightbeautifulthings]

The Vampire Lestat by Anne Rice

"'It is a new age. It requires a new evil. And I am that new evil.' I paused, watching him. 'I am the vampire for these times.'"

Year Read: 2019

Rating: 3/5

About: After decades of sleeping in the ground beneath New Orleans, Lestat surfaces with the goal in mind of becoming the world's most famous vampire rock star. It flouts every rule about vampires and secrecy, but he's never been good with rules. With Louis's Interview with the Vampire published for the world to see, Lestat is prompted to chronicle his own lengthy history as a mortal aristocrat in pre-revolutionary France to his vampire transformation and search for the oldest of his kind. Trigger warnings: death, parent/child death, pedophilia, rape, prostitution, violence, body horror, severe injury, broken bones, blood, abduction, fires, slavery.

Thoughts: This is such a weird series. I'm not even sure what genre to put it in. As some of the first popular books to make vampires the protagonists, it obviously set the stage for the abundant urban fantasy/paranormal genres we have now, but it looks almost nothing like the urban fantasy of today. It's not fast-paced; there are few action scenes and no mysteries to be solved. All the romance is extremely underplayed. Instead, it's more like a dense and detailed history of every vampire who's ever walked the earth. I would almost call it vampire literary or historical fiction, and maybe there's a reason those things don't often mix.

While I enjoy the characters and the world, the books are very slow. Some of these vampires are hundreds, if not thousands, of years old, and that is a lot of history to fill in. Lestat's certainly has its engaging moments, from his decision to become a vampire rock star to his clashes with Armand in Paris, but it's interspersed with long stretches of tedious backstory--not just Lestat's, but Armand's, Marius's, and Akasha's. Those stories have their place, certainly, and it's not in the middle of Lestat's story. I felt like I was reading all the time and never getting anywhere, and I can't help feeling that there's a better way to tell these stories than straightforwardly chronological.

Fortunately, what it lacks in plot, it makes up for in character. It's easy to see how Lestat surpassed Louis as the primary protagonist of the series because he's just that kind of character. What author--human or vampire--could ever hold him back? I love that he always reacts in the most extreme fashions, and that his reaction is usually rage and/or laughter instead of fear or reason. He rebels against everything, even if it makes sense, and the only reason his impulsiveness hasn't killed him yet is that he's usually as good as he thinks he is. He's (perhaps unintentionally) hilarious, and every bit the drama queen and attention-seeker that Louis made him out to be in Interview--though perhaps not quite the villain. He's also quite sympathetic in his mission to find meaning and to only slay the "evildoers" of the world.

Gabrielle is also a force to be reckoned with. I love how her vampire transformation comes about (because, without spoilers, is that not exactly what most of us would do in Lestat's position?), and I love the way it sets her free. As an aristocratic woman in the 18th century, she's been in a cage all her life, and now she can go anywhere, do anything, and there's not a force on earth that can stop her. While I wish she'd played more of a role in the second half of the book, I'm happy to see a female character (in a series with so few of them) get exactly what she wants. Armand is difficult to get a handle on in spite of the additional backstory we have here, but he's a convincing villain. I was bored throughout Marius's backstory, but I like him as well. He’s sort of this kindly grandfather vampire figure--though he makes some frankly outdated and sexist remarks about women. Clearly, this man has not yet met Gabrielle, or she'd set him right.

If the entire book was as fast-paced and compelling as the last fifty pages, I would have flown through it. I suspect I could have read an entire book of Lestat's reflections on his time with Louis and Claudia, and Louis reappearing basically made the whole book for me. Original Vampire Boyfriends. I had no idea this series was so gay, in the best way; pretty much all the vampires are men, and they’re all in love with each other. (And Lestat, predictably: Bitch, you're going to lose that uglyass sweater before the next time I see you.) The narrative also, finally, circles back to Lestat's newfound career as a rockstar. Truly, there is no better job for this raging diva. The end scene is quite the cliffhanger, and I'm hoping that The Queen of the Damned is lighter on the history and focuses on the events happening in real-time, as it were. I'll stick with the series, but I stand by my conviction that one of these a year, each October, is plenty.

Oh-- one question. Where the hell is Daniel? He set off to find Lestat at the end of Louis's story, and... was never heard from again? Did Armand eat him? He's kind of a bastard like that. (Just kidding, don’t tell me. I know he resurfaces at some point. Maybe Lestat didn’t mention it because it wasn’t Important to His Journey.)

[firesign23]

I would like to read that very angry post and learn the two rules.

Okay, so, I was GOING to be all “Here are my well composed arguments” about this, but… honestly, I’m still digesting the specifics of Brienne’s story in 8x06 and getting caught up on “Soo, we’re going with the shallowest interpretation of her character’s desires and also kinda just making her Jaime 2.0: The Just Edition” (more on this rant LATER, because oh it was so much worse than I thought when I read the leaks), so instead y’all get a slightly edited version of the Angry Screaming I sent a friend a few days ago. Buckle up, I am Riled.

A pre-rant note–my husband woke up this morning, checked his phone, and looked at me like a man who had Seen Some Shit. “The leaks were right.” He has never watched Game of Thrones (he’s been waiting until the show is done, and I’m pretty sure season 8 killed his plans to binge it), but honestly I can think of no better way to sum up this experience.

(Fucking MOOD, Jon.)

So, first off, I do not expect a lot from Game of Thrones. The visuals are amazing, the actors are top notch, but there have always been issues with the plot, with misogyny, etc. What has made me so ANGRY about this season is that it thumbs its nose at storytelling as a craft. I expected it to be dumb. I did not expect it to be “Wow, my nine year old literally has a better grasp on constructing stories” dumb. #subvertedexpectations (As an aside, I could turn this into a series of rants about the different elements of storytelling and how season 8 fucked them up, but honestly I’d rather lose a fucking hand and I still have a spite fic to write to fix what I can. So we’ll have to content ourselves with this rant, and if husband ever DOES binge the show I’ll save the others as a reward for surviving the experience.)

Second of all, I want to make this clear that any writing rule can be broken (some I don’t believe SHOULD be, which is what started this rant, but they CAN), but you must understand the rules you are breaking and why. And you can’t break all of them at once. I have seen exactly zero evidence this is true for D&D, those talentless hacks.

Now, onto the two rules for character arcs that should never be messed with because they are SO structurally important, and they’ve fucked over both repeatedly throughout season 8:

(1) A character must always want something. They absolutely do not need to GET it, but they need to want it. Hell, NOT getting it is basically the definition of tragedy.(2) A character getting what they want should not result in “Guess their story is over, we can kill them or write them off”

This applies to SO MANY of the characters right now, but I’m going to use Jaime as an example of (1) and Brienne as an example of (2) because honestly that’s the only plot I’ve followed with any enthusiasm. (There are definitely better examples of (2) within the show, but I used Brienne as an example in the original rant and I’m carrying that over. Because Brienne. Fight me.)

RULE ONE: A character must always want something.

Jaime’s arc has been about redemption, about listening to his own morals instead of the poisonous family first that has been dripped in his ear for decades. The setup is all there–a brash kid who is forced to make a call between his own morals (not burning half a million innocent people) and the oaths he made (to protect the king), makes it, and is reviled for it because the truth is never revealed. He falls further into this “Family above all else” mindset because he’s been groomed since childhood for this. There’s like a whole meta post from me in the Lannisters and abuse, but people better than I have gone there before. For this post, “Jaime’s arc is about redemption, a redemption he doesn’t always BELIEVE in but has been a core of his character from season 1” suffices.

His death absolutely should have been about this redemption. Whether he succeeds and kills his sister and lives, or kills his sister at the cost of his own life, or he gets there and the decades of brainwashing means that he falters at the final hurdle… THAT doesn’t matter, so much, but the impetus absolutely should have been DRIVEN by that need for redemption. Have him go south because he needs to save innocents, or even the family of choice (THERE IS A FAMILY OF CHOICE SCENE IN THE FUCKING EPISODE!!!) Hell, have him SEE saving Cersei as redemption. (I mean, that would be fucking stupid beyond stupid, but it wouldn’t insult me on a crafting level.) Just… don’t go “He’s happy, guess it’s time for a relapse we lay no groundwork for, and then handwave with forgiveness from a female character because…she’s so good and pure? We want to pretend we are deep?” There is no tragedy in Jaime’s death because they moved the goalposts at the very last second.

(As an aside, the Very Dear Friend subjected to this rant responded to this portion of my ire with “Why would they do that? It’s so meaningless”, and all I could say was “Because it’s ~*~sHocKinG~*~ that way. NO, YOU BASTARDS. You make it shocking by laying the groundwork and then subverting our hopes at the last second, but THE GROUNDWORK NEEDS TO BE THERE. YOU NEED TO USE OUR CULTURAL UNDERSTANDING OF STORIES.” This was the toned down version of my actual thoughts, because Very Dear Friend is genuinely dear to me and does not need to know the depths of my creative cursing.)

RULE TWO: A character getting what they want should not be the end of their story.

As for Brienne… she is such an interesting character because she’s SO driven by her own morality. She wants, desperately, to be a knight. Not just BE knighted, but to embody the spirit of knighthood. She gets that knighthood from someone she respects, deeply–she’s one of the few people who truly knows about Jaime’s struggle with morality vs oaths and has utter faith in him–and so she gets what she wants. Great, right? WRONG. We are at Unbreakable Rule #2–a character who gets what they want should not then have nowhere to go.

NB–the original rant here was far more articulate and focused on how this rule is broken, but we might descend into slathering rage instead. Because the ending (oh god, seriously, like I said, I’m still digesting the depth of the shit in this because on a surface level it seems happy but it’s really fucking terrible) puts her in this horrible stagnation that is more focused on title than her actual character. She didn’t necessarily want to be a Kingsguard, she wanted to be a Kingsguard for a king she believed in. And, like, she had a say in electing Bran? (Rereading this rant--that’s a weird phrasing. I’ll deal with it later) But that whole thing makes no sense (“I can’t be lord of Winterfell because I’m the Three Eyed Raven, but I can totally be King” ??? I just… honestly, my brain is not computing this well.) and I just… CAN WE FUCKING TALK ABOUT HOW SHE HAS PREVIOUSLY PLEDGED HERSELF TO PEOPLE WHO ARE IN SOME WAY VULNERABLE??? Seriously, who has she pledged oaths to before now? A gay man and women. Because that was always fucking important to me, and this is just… no.

The ending as it is basically just makes her Replacement Jaime–a highborn heir who instead takes the role of Kingsguard, but don’t worry guys she’s so Noble and Caring that she absolves Jaime of his sins by writing his story in the book. Where’s the fucking vomit emoji? (Don’t get me wrong, that scene is emotional and moving and honestly FUCK YOU GWENDOLINE CHRISTIE FOR BEING SO LOVELY AND TALENTED, but in the wider context of this show I just cannot see it as a good thing.)

I just… look, in my rant a few days ago I’d read the leaks, but I still had some hopes the ending would be better on screen; right now I can’t even articulate the number of levels it bothers me on, so just know that I SHOULD HAVE BEEN FUCKING HAPPY WITH HER ENDING! But I’m not, because it is this surface level understanding of what she desires from knighthood, and there is this… okay, so, I’m articulating this TERRIBLY because the original rant was solid but did not account for fuckery, but you know what Brienne’s ending made me think of? Nikolaj Coster-Waldau’s interviews where he would fight for Jaime’s character and basically get told to shut up and follow the script. THAT is what Brienne’s ending feels like to me, and it shouldn’t.  She should have places to GO and GROW from here. Like, there are SO MANY things they could do with these characters that are surprising. Hell, imagine Brienne getting this knighthood and then getting presented with a similar situation to Jaime–does she keep an oath or to her own morals? Make it a smaller scale so that the answer isn’t so simple, have knighthood become shades of grey she never really understood–she gets what she wants, but it’s not simple. Boom, her story will go on after the end credits.

(I also have Capital I Issues with the narrative surrounding her love life and gender and… seriously, this could have been a motherfucking SERIES of rants. I could do a week’s worth just on how they did Brienne dirty)

RULE THREE: If you make me spend over an hour trying to present a coherent explanation for why your writing sucks and I’ve barely scratched the surface, you don’t get to write anything ever again. Sorry, I make the rules and I have decreed it so. All in agreement, raise your hand.

[uhhhhhhokay]

Shows With Good LGBT+ Rep

Now for starters, I’ll admit that I do not watch Riverdale. I tried it, didn’t like it, that’s basically it. The show does have LGBT rep (but not ace rep), I would never dismiss that, but they make sure to do the bare minimum. Based off the people I follow who are fans, scenes for the characters, more specifically Chonie (Cheryl x Toni), are either constantly deleted or they are nonexistent. 

They have romantic scenes together but not nearly as many as the rest of the leading cast. This matters because one of the girl in the relationship, Cheryl, is advertised as a main, but yet she’s treated as a side character, and Toni is given even less. From what I’ve heard of the show, they dedicate an immense amount of time to the pairings of the main characters, but this focus does not seem to apply to Cheryl and her relationship with Toni. This applies to them as individual characters and as a pairing, as I’ve heard that neither character get much screen time. 

I understand wanting representation and I understand wanting to support representation, but the point that I’m trying to make is that Riverdale is not the show to put your desire and need into because they will never give the proper treatment or storylines that these characters and relationships they deserve. You can still watch but just know that there are shows out there with much better rep. So I’m here today, writing this long essay that no one asked for, to inform you guys of LGBT+ rep that actually gets treated well by their writers and is given the screentime and love they deserve. 

Warning: Some of these shows have been cancelled. If they do not say they’ve been cancelled, then that either means the show is still going or that it ended on it’s own terms.

Also this list does not include shows with the bury your gays trope.

Feel free to add on! This list is mainly comprised of some of my favorites. I tried to very best on the descriptions but I am a tired student with little free time. 

#1: The Bold Type ~ Kat x Adena

Kat Edison, the head of the social media department of Scarlet magazine, meets Adena El-Amin, a proud Muslim lesbian photographer in episode one. The two bond and grow closer and closer, eventually causing the “out and proud hetero” Kat to question her sexuality and acknowledge her romantic feelings for Adena. Adena, as I said earlier, is a lesbian and Kat is bisexual. 

#2: Black Lightning ~ Anissa x Grace

Ah, the first black lesbian superhero! The second season is currently airing on Tuesday’s at 9pm on the CW. Being the daughter of the infamous vigilante Black Lighting has it’s unexpected perks, like having superpowers! The intelligent activist Anissa Pierce discovers her powers of super strength and decides to use them for good and defend her city under the name of Thunder.

Grace Choi was in a few episodes of season one, but her relationship status as girlfriends with Anissa in the comics assures us that she will be coming back and we will see her and Anissa’s relationship develop further.

#3: Doctor Who ~ Bill x Heather

Throughout all of time and space, these two manage to come back to each other. After being split up by an alien in ‘Pilot’, Heather comes back to Bill’s rescue in the season finale, kissing her and making her immortal, leaving the both of them to travel across the universe together. Their journey has sadly come to an end in the series, but it came to a spectacular and happy one!

#4: BBC Class ~ Charlie x Matteusz

Part of the Doctor Who universe comes Class, a teenage sci-fi drama that takes place in Shoreditch. Now, first I should say that this is one of my favorite shows and you don’t need to watch Doctor Who in order to watch it. It is its own separate show.

Charlie Smith, an alien prince from the planet Rhodia, comes to earth to escape the Shadowkin, the monsters that killed his race. Him and the only other survivor of his planet, Miss Quill, come to earth and are instructed by the Doctor to hide themselves as human. Charlie attends Coal Hill Academy while Quill teaches.

Once prom comes around, Charlie asks the Polish boy, Matteusz, to be his date. The prom is hijacked by the Shadowkin and it is revealed to Matteusz that Charlie is an alien, but he doesn’t mind because it does not change the way he feels about him. The two continue to date throughout the series whilst fighting off aliens with four of their friends and Miss Quill

This show has been cancelled, but audios have been made since then to fill in the gaps between episodes and there is a chance there might be more! Also there are three books!

#5: In The Flesh ~ Kieren x Simon

The dead have come back to life! Kieren and Simon are both PDS sufferers, meaning they have partially deceased syndrome, meaning that they died and were brought back to life. Series 1 is centered on Kieren Walker, a 18 year old boy who died back in 2009, who is adjusting to his new zombie life and dealing with the people who want him back in the ground.

In series 2, Simon is introduced as a part of an PDS activist who is fighting for equal treatment for PDS sufferers while trying to find the first risen to bring on the second rising. Connected by a mutual friend, Simon and Kieren are introduced to each other, and the two strike up a relationship which develops into something romantic.

#6: Faking It ~ Multiple Characters

In an attempt to gain popularity, Karma and Amy fake being lesbians, but after a kiss at the school’s prep rally, Amy realizes that she isn’t as straight as she thought she was. In fact, she is head over heels in love with her childhood best friend, Karma. She confides in the out and proud Shane about her feelings for Karma and asks for advice on how to get a girlfriend. This show, while not always perfect, is incredibly diverse. Amy is bisexual, Shane is gay, Lauren is intersex, and in season 3, Shane forms a crush on the new student, Noah, and after their first kiss Noah comes out as trans to Shane. 

The show was unfortunately cancelled after three seasons, leaving much of the story still left unsaid, but the show still has an enjoyable and satisfying ending, even if it wasn’t the ending the creator wanted. The creator’s ideal ending, had he been given the chance to write it, was that Karma would eventually realize that she herself is bisexual too. 

#7: Hit The Floor ~Multiple Characters

Jude x Zero

Junior sports agent Jude Kinkade brings basketball sports star Zero to LA on the promise to be a star. One night in a limo before Zero flies to an away game, Jude, to his surprise, kisses Zero. When Zero comes back, the two begin a friends with benefits relationship that develops into something deeper, and the two fall in love.

Lionel x Eve

Lionel’s sexuality has never been explicitly stated in the show. She had sex with many men and the majority of viewers assumed she was straight. That was until the cunning Eve came in. The two decide after a brief meeting to go and get drinks together which ends up with them having sex. Later, Lionel admits to Jude, that she has slept with many women before Eve. Their relationship is complicated and it’s much different from the other relationships on the show. 

Jude x Noah

Due to the show’s unexpected renewal and switch from VH1 to BET, not all actors returned. Adam Senn (Zero) did not want to return, but never fear, because the show’s creator wasn’t about to let the beautiful Jude Kinkade go to waste!

A year after his break up with Zero, Jude’s best friend Lionel takes him out for drinks in the hopes to find him a hunk and get him laid. Later that night, Jude and Noah meet, hook up, and move on with their lives. Until the next day when Jude sees Noah at the Devils arena and finds out that the two will be working together. 

Hit The Floor has not been renewed or cancelled.

#8: Wynonna Earp ~ Multiple Characters

Waverly x Nicole 

i’m sure many of you have heard of these two, but incase you haven’t, let me introduce you to Waverly and Nicole! Waverly, the younger sister to the Earp heir, and Nicole, a sheriff at the Purgatory police department, strike up a romantic relationship after Waverly ends things with her shitty boyfriend Champ. These two are so cute and are head over heels in love with each other. 

Jeremy x Robin

Jeremy is introduced in season 2 and Robin is introduced in season 3. After discovering a murder tree, Robin goes to the police station in search of help. Directed to Jeremy, Robin explains everything he saw, then the two go on a date to investigate the murder tree, and after that the two become boyfriends.

Warning: The show, while amazing with LGBT characters, does not treat their POC characters well. 

#11: Brooklyn Nine-Nine ~ Holt and Rosa

Raymond Holt is captain of the 99th precinct. He is married to his longtime partner Kevin, who often guest stars on the show, and the two of them are truly iconic. Holt has fought hard for gay rights in the police department since joined the force. As a out gay black man, Holt had to fight and work hard to get to his position as captain. 

Rosa Diaz is bisexual and she is played by a bisexual actress. Rosa is a secretive, hard, ruthless, and a soft bean of a character. She is one of the key characters to the Nine-Nine. She has yet to have a steady girlfriend but here’s to hoping that she will have one next season!

#10: BBC Cuffs ~ Multiple Characters

Jake x Simon

Don’t sleep with the enemy. New PC Officer, Jake Vickers, joins the police force and meets the well known and disliked solicitor, Simon Reddington. Despite the fact that they are on opposing sides that hate each other, the two begin dating. They try to keep their professional life out of their relationship to avoid conflict. But alas, that’s where the sweet angst comes in. 

Donna x Alison 

The time these two start dating it unclear, but when the show begins it is said that they’ve been together for a few years. They’ve been living happily together for quite some time. Donna is part of the main cast as a police officer and is given a lot of screen time in action. Alison is a side character who makes a few appearances throughout the show but her interactions with Donna are sweet, beautiful, and realistic. 

This show has been cancelled.

#11: Shadowhunters ~ Magnus x Alec

Ghaad, these two are the best. A gay shadowhunter and a bisexual warlock fall in love. Malec has good communication. Magnus and Alec have their own storyline and a storyline with each other, making them both equally important and have intimate/emotional scenes. The show also makes sure to tackle harmful bisexual stereotypes. (Thanks to @spicychipsdemon for helping me write this one.)

This show has been cancelled but it’s being given a special to wrap up the story.

#12: Superstore ~ Mateo x Jeff

An employee and district manager meet at the Cloud 9 store during a strike. Mateo is a out gay man and so is Jeff, the thing is that his cannot date the employees at the store so the two of them keep their relationship private from the other coworkers, because they would not be able to keep it a secret from Jeff’s boss. These two are actually really cute and they’re hilarious and underrated to be quite honest.

#15: Orphan Black ~ Multiple Characters

Besides the white girl dreads, these two are nice. They are the sci-fi couple that beat the shit out of the bury your gays trope. A clone and a woman who is assigned to look after that clone, uncoincidentally meet. What starts as an assignment is developed into something much deeper, leading Delphine to realize she’s bisexual. These two are happily living their life making crazy science with each other.

There are more LGBT characters in the show. There is a trans clone but unfortunately he is only in one episode. One of the main clones, Sarah is revealed to be bisexual in s4 and her foster brother Felix, a series regular, is gay. 

#16: Picnic at Hanging Rock ~ Multiple Characters 

Three schoolgirls and their governesses mysteriously disappear on Valentines Day in 1900 at the infamous Hanging Rock. This show, while slow in some areas, transformed the 1967 book written by Joan Lindsay. What was initially about the disappearance of three girls and the attempt to find them was changed into a six part series about the repression of sexuality and expression of young girls. Miranda, Irma, and Marion, are the three young women that go missing, and they are all lesbians. There are two more characters in the story: Mike and Albert. They had a close relationship in the book but the tv show made their relationship canonically romantic. 

The show does suffer in the sense that hetero couples that barely existed in the book get more screen time and make out sessions than they should. I included this show because character wise it’s so drastic from it’s original content and it ends up putting wayyyy more focus on the girls than the book did. It turned a simple plot into a meaningful story about gender roles and sexuality and three girls trying to break free of them and two boys falling in love and running away together. Not a perfect show, but damn if it didn’t do some things right. Still recommend.

This show is a miniseries. Unlike other series, it ends where the book ends.

#17: One Day At A Time ~ Elena x Syd

If you haven’t watched these two then I don’t know wtf you’re doing. This show is precious and they are precious and god just watch it already honestly. Elena is a lesbian and Syd is a non-binary lesbian. Once a criminal breaks loose and the two have to cancel their plans to go to comic con, the two are trapped in their home with the rest of their family. As the evening builds up, Elena finally gets the courage to kiss Syd.

#18: Crashing ~ Sam x Fred

This show and this relationship is f*cking wild and it’s amazing. The show surrounds a group of people who are guardians to an abandoned hospital and they live in it. Sam meets Fred on his birthday when the two are paired up for a scavenger hunt. They relationship is odd at first with Sam constantly flirting with Fred and blatantly ignoring his feelings for him. These feelings rise to the surface and force Sam to confront them when Fred gets a rich bf who wants them to move in together. 

This show has been cancelled. The show does not end with a cliffhanger. The show does end with Sam finally leaning in a kissing Fred. 

#19: Charmed (2018) ~ Mel x Niko

Now this show is only one episode in so who knows where this show and relationship will go but it’s off to a good start with having the Mel and Nico relationship as the only romantic relationship in the show so far. I did not pay attention to the advertising of this show but as far as I know the show kept this relationship under wraps as a happy surprise for it’s premiere. The pilot has it’s flaws but it is cute, and to me personally, it works for me better than the original. These two have been dating for a while. Nico is a detective while Mel is just finding out months after her mothers death that she is a witch. A lot is going on. The pilot was interesting enough to get me to continue. The sisters are amazing and I hope the writers keep this relationship up front. This show not only has a lesbian relationship as it’s main love story right now but the three sisters are all women of color. 

This show and the actresses have been facing a lot of racist backlash so any support to ensure a future seasons be amazing!

#20: The Halcyon ~ Toby x Adil

(Ayyyeeee I got to use my own gif go follow at @tlmedits please)

Honestly f*ck BBC for cancelling so many good shows with LGBT characters. The Halcyon is a tv show that takes place during the 1940′s. Now, unlike many other periodic shows, this one is diverse, including poc and gay characters in the cast and giving them good storylines. The Halycon hotel is own by the Hamilton family, and Toby is the youngest son. Adil is a bartender in the hotel lobby. One night, while Toby is hiding from a woman his mother had set him up with, he runs into Adil who then kisses him. The two the next day begin a relationship. 

As I mentioned before, this show was cancelled.

[scientists-and-stars]

Conclusions from this latest episode of the Flash

 -Cisco has always been treated not so great but it’s just been getting worse and worse (and I’m not hating on Harry, I truly don’t think he would’ve acted that horribly if it weren’t for the cap, and he really does care about Cisco). If they don’t address what went down next week I’ll track down the writers and Fight them all 

 -That said JOE IS MY FREAKING HERO. I’ve loved Joe since day one and he’s only gotten better. Seeing him be so caring and standing up for Cisco but also clearly doing it out of love for Harry and not being a jerk to him either bc he knows this isn’t who Harry is??? I’m cri 

 -A lot of people are hating on Harry so here’s some thoughts on that. First off, I don’t want to invalidate anyone’s reactions to his treatment of Cisco, esp lately, because they’re valid. That scene with Harry pushing him around in this was v abusive and potentially triggering and I’m not ok with it either. In my opinion, that’s not who Harry is and while yes, he has anger issues and has treated Cisco badly in the past, I think he (especially now, after some growth as a person and part of the team) would never normally act like that. His self-loathing and fear and anger have been building up and with every defeat they worsen. Cecile really started to break through that a little, but the thinking cap backtracked a lot of that, heightening every awful, angry, impulsive urge in him like real addiction absolutely does. But again, that’s NOT who he is. He’s an insecure, emotionally distant, rude but caring dad who’s at least trying to be better. And i believe that if Joe and Cecile keep it up and if the team all work with him he can get back on track. 

-Iris just keeps getting more badass and I love it?? She’s come so far. I don’t know when I started liking her but she’s a real hero (and Candice is also a beautiful badass queen) and I’m so glad that she’s become such a leader. Highlights of this episode for her- definitely the explosive earrings wtf that’s so badass?? I wanna see more of her and Cisco teaming up. Also her fight with Marlize, such a gorgeously shot scene and also just so badass and wonderful?? That said how tf does everyone keep getting stabbed and being fine two seconds later we’re not all Barry Allen?!? 

 -I’m still waiting for Marlize to turn good but this episode didn’t do much for that. Also when did she become a badass sword fighter?? Idk how I feel about it, but like she was hot so I’m not complaining (not trying to objectify her or anything but gorgeous intelligent women of color being badasses and fighting? Yes please. Yeah maybe I shouldn’t have enjoyed that scene between her and iris so much but what can I do I’m fuckin gay y’all). 

 -Honestly Ralph was fuckin annoying, I know, but he was trying. At least in the last couple episodes. Maybe he was a dick but he wanted to be better and he saw team flash as the family/friends he never had and then as soon as they started to redeem him?? They killed him off (most likely, they could maybe bring him back if they stop the thinker and somehow get him to leave ralph’s body idk how that would be possible but it seems like something they might try to do)?! I’m pissed. I hate when writers do that. It’s like stopping a book right at the most climactic point and just never finishing it. Ughh 

 -I love (1) tough yet soft superdad, and that’s joe west. Seriously can he adopt me?? He’s such a good dad and he’s so gentle and caring and yet also is a badass cop who fuckin kicked that samuroid’s ass? Also the only one who currently is actively being good to Cisco?? Like Caitlin is always sweet to him but she’s not really paying much attention to him lately. And Harry and him have been making progress but the heckin cap had to fuck everything up and I think Cisco might (rightly) need some time to trust him again. But Joe’s just? Not only a friend to Cisco but watching out for him and standing up for him, also comforting him when everyone else is too preoccupied?? Just stab me in the heart already 

-killer frost is gone?? What? Honestly that little shot with the notes made me tear up. I don’t understand at all why her and Caitlin are two different personas but I was really starting to enjoy that development, Frost’s snarky toughness countered by Caitlin soft sweetness and then learning to love and accept one another?? And have inside jokes??! They better fix this they were building up a lot of good stuff there I don’t wanna believe it's just done 

 Well that was long a repetitive and emotional but what else is new. 

[sparklyjojos]

the promised summary of Smoke, Soil or Sacrifices. [tw: a lot of child abuse in a dysfunctional family, mentioned suicide]

--

The narrator is Natsukawa Shirou [ 奈津川 四郎], an ER surgeon working in San Diego. You know the type: workaholic with a god complex, wearing Armani coats and having casual sex left and right, but also constantly sleep-deprived and popping anxiety pills like its candy. He has deep-seated aggression issues that even he himself is afraid of getting out of control, and to manage it he trained boxing for a while before a gang drove him out of the gym (long story). As his name implies, he's the youngest of four brothers - in order of birth: Ichirou [一郎], Jirou [二郎], Saburou [三郎] and him, Shirou [四郎] - but since he's working in the USA, he hasn't seen his family for a while.

One winter day Shirou learns that back in Japan, his mother got seriously hurt and is currently in a coma. He flies back to his Japan hometown, Nishi Akatsuki, meets with an old classmate Takaya Yoshio (who everybody calls “Rupan”, like Lupin the Third, after he once wrote that word instead of ‘renessaince’ on a test), and learns that there’s more to the attack: someone has been attacking the women of Nishi Akatsuki, hitting them in the back of the head and then partially burying them in the ground. None of the five victims died, but most were still unconscious, and no one saw the attacker. Even if his mother is alive, Shirou gets so furious about the attack that he nearly destroys Rupan’s car before he can calm himself down; he really does have violence issues. (Also Rupan is dating a high schooler Yamaguchi Usagi behind his wife’s back and Shirou has a really bad feeling about it).

We learn a little about the Natsukawa family. They’re descended from a German immigrant Hans who left them two things: first, ridiculous for Japanese standards height (the brothers are all >185cm tall); second, a mysterious warehouse with triangle-shaped floor and ceiling that he built next to the family house. Its history is grim: Hans’s son Daimaru (大丸) hanged himself inside the warehouse, and then Daimaru’s son, Maruo (丸雄, the narrator’s father) tended to close one of his kids inside a lot for misbehaving. Shirou remembers Maruo, and thinks about how as a kid he saw that his father’s body was scarred all over, which Maruo claimed was a remainder of injuries from one or another war.

Shirou has a reunion with two of his brothers, Ichirou and Saburou. Jirou, the second oldest, has mysteriously disappeared at 17 and nobody has seen him since, it seems. Ichirou is a politician, just like their father Maruo, while Saburou writes mystery novels starring detective Runbaba 12. (Shirou thinks they’re ridiculous, and remembers one that had the hero looking for his daughter and somehow ending up living with an amnesiac woman and a gay guy, or some nonsense like that.)

---

The serial attacker case is overseen by a Tokyo police officer Marikku Takahiro (真陸隆宏) and a Nagoya prosecutor Shirai Masami (白碑将美), both Shirou’s old schoolmates. Upon learning the facts about the case from them, Shirou figures out something nobody else realized: if on a map of Nishi Akatsuki you draw lines between some houses of the victims, and draw a spiral based on it, it’ll go perfectly through all the victims’ houses. [I’m not sure how to explain it in text, so here’s the map in question -- the numbers are houses:]

Shirou goes to where the origin of the spiral points to, at the shore of the river Shounokawa (not pictured on the map), and finds an empty coffin buried in the ground. He alarms the police and Saburou, who arrives at the scene with his detective friend, Banba Junjirou (番場 潤二郎). [Interestingly enough, he shares the last two kanji of his first name with Jirou, but it isn’t brought up ever -- I don’t know if this coincidence is done just for the sake of having a red herring, or will it be important in a later book]. Saburou often affectionately calls Banba ‘Runbaba’ and it seems he based the character in his books off of him. He originally hired Banba to help find Jirou, the missing brother, but they’ve been unsuccesful so far. Banba doesn’t really do anything useful at the scene, only claiming nonsense like the coffin being actually a time machine.

Shirou learns that the serial attacker always makes a photo of the crime scene and writes some nonsensical letters on it, and always puts an animal plushie in the ground next to the victim (so far: sheep, elephant, lion, sheep, koala). Through some truly inspired reasoning Shirou notices that since the victims were only partially buried, their body parts were always kinda sticking out in a grid pattern, and you can ‘read’ them like syllabary Braiile code. The resulting message is ‘MAMATASUKE’, seemingly a part of ‘mama tasukete’ = ‘help me mom’. And if you treat the letters on the photos as a Caesar cipher key, and pair it in a very complicated way with the names of the victims, you’ll get DRMN / NOBT / SZK / SNEO / GIAN... which looks like nothing, but these are abbreviations of famous kids cartoon characters, eg. the first one is Doraemon. Soon after this discovery, they learn that another victim was attacked (incidentally it’s Marikku’s mother), and the discovered pattern of plushies/words/etc. seems to continue.

Shirou goes to the hospital to visit his mother, meets Ichirou there and they start physically fighting kinda out of nowhere. Not because they hate each other for any reason; just because, it seems, there is something inside them that drives them to violence-as-bonding. After they flee the security, they talk about the case, and wonder if it wasn’t their missing brother Jirou who’s at fault. This conversation sends Shirou on a long trip down memory lane.

---

When Shirou was 9, he took three abandoned puppies home. The brothers were told they couldn’t keep them, and so the puppies eventually got entrusted to Jirou (then 12) so he’d find them a good owner somewhere else, but as he later admitted he’d just drowned them in the river instead. Jirou didn’t seem to care about the horrible thing he did. In fact, he always did horrible things, like breaking windows in other houses or killing and eating the neighbours’ chickens, and their father Maruo always locked him in the triangle warehouse for that. In primary school Jirou enacted long painful revenge on his bullies, and even called the terror he instilled his ‘Days of Creation’, as if the things he did were ‘a seal given to other by God’. But Jirou’s acts were (as present Shirou now thinks) a natural result of the violence that had been bestowed upon him finally exploding.

Jirou had been abused by Maruo ever since he'd been a tiny child; his every mistake was viciously criticized, and he was ‘jokingly’ threatened with getting abandoned in the mountains. After some time Maruo started beating him, and while Jirou pretended like he didn’t care, it was clear he was terrified and in pain. Ichirou as the oldest brother tried to stop Maruo or get outside help, for years and years, but nothing ever worked.

Eventually one day Maruo seemed to see his mistakes, crying promised to do better and embraced the kids (except Ichirou, who was skeptical and didn’t want to take a part in any display like that). Maruo really seemed to behave a little better after that, though mostly he was completely ignoring Jirou now. This caused Jirou to act out in order to get attention, which each time made Maruo close him in the triangle warehouse. Again, Jirou acted like it was nothing, and called the warehouse his ‘summer residence’, even if all of them were terrified of the dark place that was allegedly haunted by their grandfather’s ghost. Eventually Jirou’s actions escalated into committing petty crimes, and then all-out violence, though he drew a line at murder.

It was only after Maruo’s mother’s intervention that Maruo finally moved to Tokyo for some time, leaving the kids in her charge. Ichirou started tutoring Jirou and was surprised to find out that Jirou was actually incredibly smart; the boy could recite entire passages from books after flipping through them once, and draw complicated maps from memory. He still walked the path of violence, though, and once Maruo came back from Tokyo, the boy got hit and locked inside the warehouse a lot again. Because of his deeds Jirou at times seemed positively demonic to our young narrator; he even once recited Shirou a poem he wrote, which basically said ‘hey, remember those puppies? I killed them with a knife’ (actually it was deeper and more interesting than that, with a hidden promise from the poem’s narrator towards the dead puppies that ‘if I became god, you’d be the first ones I revive’, but obviously talking about that event hurt Shirou a lot all on its own). But even then, Shirou recalls he still held love for Jirou; they were brothers, after all.

Time passed. Ichirou moved toward a political career like his father. Saburou got attacked on the street and had his hand broken, which made him paranoid that somebody from the neighborhood / some organized crime group was out to kill him, but he still laughed at Shirou’s suggestion to run away from home (’and where would we run?”). He ended up ditching the piano that he had always loved playing, and instead got into fights a lot. Jirou by the time of high school was very popular among his peers, infamous among the Fukui policemen, had ‘fans’, and often smuggled girls into his bedroom, which again earned him a trip to the warehouse if Maruo caught him.

In 1986, when Jirou was 17, their grandmother (Maruo’s mother, the same who made him leave that one time) was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and stayed in the hospital in constant horrible pain. While Maruo tended to run away from the situation excusing himself with work trips, Jirou unexpectedly stayed by his grandmother’s side every night. On her death bed, she told her grandsons that “no matter how great or rich a person is, death will turn them into smoke, soil or sacrifices; the burned ones turn into smoke, the buried ones into soil, the others into sacrifices for wild beasts.” She apologized that she couldn’t protect the kids better, and that’s it’s her fault for raising Maruo badly. Then, in pain, she suddenly yelled ‘Daimaru, who killed you?!”, and then just before death demanded to see Maruo once more, to tell him that he’s still the one she loved the most in the world -- that last dying line was shocking to everyone, but hurt Jirou the most.

From then on, Jirou and Maruo’s conflict escalated even more, with Jirou for some reason starting to blame Maruo for Daimaru’s sucide. On 19 December the two started a horrible furniture-breaking physical fight while Saburou and Shirou could only helplessly watch. Suddenly their mother entered the scene with a knife in her hand, but she didn’t use it to stop the fight or otherwise help Jirou, who was looking at her with hope. Instead she screamed that it was Jirou she felt like stabbing, that it was all his fault and he should apologize to his father. Jirou didn’t intend to apologize (instead yelling that maybe it’d be better if he’d never been born), and the situation ended in Maruo brutalizing him and still bleeding throwing into the warehouse.

The next morning, Jirou couldn’t be found anywhere, as if he just vanished from the locked warehouse, and if the other brothers were honest, they were actually pretty glad about that.

--

Back in the present day, Shirou notices that the way a victim’s head is positioned always points like an arrow to the next crime scene, and tells Shirai to guard the houses the last victim points to.

Shirou then goes to the hospital once more to check on his mother, and surprises himself by crying a lot. Later he meets a nurse called Hatakida Atena that catches his eye with her red coat, but nothing comes out of it (he’s bad at / afraid of / unable to have anything more intimate than purely sexual relationships going on, it seems). Then his mother is visited by another victim of the case, Satou Ryouko, who tearfully recalls her joyful near-death experience she had after being attacked. She saw bright light, felt a warm god-like presence, then wandered through a giant forest and met the dead poet Raymond Carver that she had no prior knowledge about (she even recites his poem ‘My Death’). An unassuming student called Nozaki Hiroshi approaches them and seems to be very interested in Satou’s experience, asking for an interview, which she agrees to, as she feels the need to share her wonderful experience with the world.

And then there’s this... out-of-nowhere fragment in which Shirou and Ichirou’s wife Rihoko in the spur of the moment have sex in a random hospital closet (they apparently had an affair two years earlier), and some thugs hired by Ichirou’s political opponents snap pics and try to blackmail Shirou, but he fights them like it’s a damn martial arts movie except with more violence (like ‘biting into someone’s jugular’ kind of violence), and Shirou comes out of it alive but in pretty horrible shape, with the photos destroyed, and what the hell was that?

--

Hitching a ride back to town with Marikku, Shirou realizes that it’s possible it’s actually Marikku who’s behind the murders, as the sixth victim was his abusive mother, who it seems has still been inflicting physical abuse on him even after all these years. Maybe Marikku figured out the pattern of the attacks early on, and used it to arrange a copycat crime that’d get blamed on the original culprit? But just as Shirou confronts Marikku, they get into a car accident. Shirou gets some bones broken, while Marikku dies. Shirou isn’t sure whether it was suicide or not, but suspects the original culprit may have wanted to get rid of them -- later an investigation of the wreck proves that somebody tampered with the car.

Saburou and Rupan help Shirou make a daring escape from the hospital, and the brothers are having quite a lot of fun working together during that entire scene, even if Shirou’s injuries are so severe he has to fight his body not to faint from pain at times. Later, as they return to Nishi Akatsuki, Saburou admits that he and detective Banba believe the criminal may be Jirou, back to take revenge on the town (Banba didn’t disclose more information, as apparently he doesn’t like to tell Saburou anything until he has everything figured out). As proof, they found an old paper -- with the exact spiral pattern used in the crime drawn on it -- in the triangle warehouse, so it’s likely Jirou drew that before his disappearance. During the ride the brothers learn from Yamaguchi Usagi that the plushies found with the victims are their corresponding Doubutsu uranai animals (a sort of new hip horoscope that gives you a different animal depending on your date of birth).

Saburou tells Shirou that there’s another link between the victims: the two women that regained consciousness so far both had a Near-Death Experience (Saburou says it’s super interesting and mentions he’d like to use it in another book of his). Shirou thinks that it may not be a coincidence; maybe the attacker intends on giving the victims NDE like it’s some weird modern ritual, and the plushies serve the same purpose as ritual dolls, as empty vessels to which illness or other bad stuff would be passed? Suddenly Shirou remembers that random Nozaki Hiroshi guy who seemed very happy hearing about NDE from one of the victims, and something clicks. Shirou phones Nozaki’s mother and through some seemingly innocent questions (’Was he in Nishi Akatsuki lately? Does he act like this and this? ...Does he like Doraemon?’) realizes that the serial attacker really is Nozaki. They alert Shirai Masami and local media and rush to Nozaki’s house.

But they’re too late. In the house instead of Nozaki they find the body of detective Banba stabbed to death twenty one times, and Nozaki’s parents strangled by their own son. It seems Banba had figured out the solution before everyone else, and came to this house yesterday without telling Saburou. (”Rest in peace, Runbaba 12,” Shirou thinks reflexively.)

--

In the house they find a note from the criminal, who claims to be fulfilling orders of ‘the Great God Jawakutora-sin’ (or Jawakutora-shin), who governs over all human souls, but as those souls are ‘dirty, unaware, unseeing and ignorant’, the god wants to make them clean. The cleansing proccess has to start with mothers, so the next generation of humans would hopefully already be ‘clean’. Apparently Nozaki in his childhood had a NDE himself, saw ‘Jawakutora’s light’ and understood his guidance. The method involves hitting a precise spot at the back of a person’s head. This causes a ‘perfect opening’ in the skull to form, through which the soul can briefly fly out and have a NDE, that is, ‘be shown reality’, and also be shown Jawakutora’s great spiral structure (a spiral being its symbol) -- that’s the spiral on the map of Nishi Akatsuki. Jawakutora also told Nozaki to do all the other things: bury the victims, write the letters on the photos, and use the plushies (’animals who have never been given souls’. Or something).

While this note shows clearly that the culprit is just some religious fanatic, something bugs Shirou, and he still thinks Jirou may be involved, especially since the two dogs of the family were also killed without any reason.

--

After Banba’s death, Saburou mourns him and closes himself alone in the triangle warehouse for long periods of time. This unexpectedly allows him to discover something, and he calls Ichirou and Shirou to the warehouse. (Maruo and his wife at that time have a job-related meeting with a few other people in the house). This something is the mystery of their grandfather Daimaru’s death.

As Saburou points out, the old stains left from the corpse’s bodily fluids are spread over a significant area, in an arc, which would mean that the hanging corpse had to somehow move around in a circle. Saburou found out that the ceiling of the warehouse can be moved, independently of the walls, by pressing a hidden button. The ceiling rotates in such a way that the building seen from above eventually looks like a 6-pointed star, which was the warehouse’s purpose in the first place: apparently, their great-grandfather Hans was secretly Jewish, and while he was afraid of persecution if he showed his identity outright, he constructed this mechanism as a great big fuck you to the bigoted society who had no clue a giant Star of David was right under their noses.

When the ceiling is moved, there are large enough gaps in some places that a person can fit through; that’s how both Jirou and Daimaru’s murderer could get out. Yes, Daimaru was actually murdered -- by his own son Maruo, the son that he had abused for years and years. That abuse was what gave Maruo his scars. The violence instilled on him, which he then passed to his own sons...

While the brothers talk in the warehouse unaware of anything else, Nozaki sneaks into the main house and stabs everyone he runs into, eventually wounding every single person there. Maruo manages to dodge him and runs towards the warehouse, and in the heated moment yells, ‘Ichirou, Jirou, Saburou, Shirou! Run!”. The names of all his sons.

The brothers run out and see Nozaki stab Maruo, and as Ichirou moves to help his father he also gets injured. This makes the other two brothers’ blood boil and they fight Nozaki, with Shirou eventually using the attacker’s own knife to stab him. But Shirou’s job isn’t done yet: with help of Saburou he gets everyone moved to one spot, grabs his doctor bag, and through his sheer skills of an ER surgeon, lightning fast decisions and improvising on the spot, he manages to keep everyone including Maruo and Ichirou alive until the ambulance arrives. [And it’s fucking amazing to read.]

--

After Shirou heals physically (he did run away from the hospital earlier, after all), he goes to Rupan’s wife Takaya Mari, who’s a psychologist, and makes the first step on his way to heal emotionally. He cries like a baby throughout the entire session, finally lets so many emotions pour out chaotically out of him, and leaves with a lot of things in his head finally sorted out.

Later through his own investigation he learns that Jirou is alive and well, now working in the Ministry of Finances under the name ‘Kawaji Natsurou’, which is so obviously an anagram of ‘Natsukawa Jirou’ it’s surprising nobody noticed.

...but another romaji spelling of Jirou’s name (’Natsukawa Jiro’) is also an anagram for ‘Jawakutora-sin”, and Shirou now understands who was the mastermind behind Nozaki’s actions; who wanted to enact revenge on the mother who in a critical moment turned against him, and most likely on the entire family sooner or later. ...Although Shirou has a feeling he won’t try anything like that anymore.

During the therapy session, Shirou expresses forgiveness towards his father, and wonders whether or not this quick forgiveness isn’t just a foolish decision made in spur of the moment, under strong emotions... but after he heard Maruo yell all their names trying to save them in a similar moment of emotions, he has a feeling things will get better. Shirou’s mother hasn’t woken up yet, but he’s sure she’ll come out of that wonderful giant forest eventually. The force putting their family together is powerful like gravity -- whether this power won’t just bring another disaster, nobody can tell. Certainly, it’s best if Jirou still keeps as far away from them as it’s possible. Maybe it’d be for the best if every single one of them stayed apart, never had children, and let this cursed family be finally destroyed; maybe it’d be for the best if all that remained was smoke, soil or sacrifices. But it’s not the time to think about death. For now, what matters is that they’re all alive and have to try and keep on living.

In the end, Shirou calls Atena (the nurse from earlier) and asks her to sleep with him -- literally sleep with him, mostly -- and with the warm and safety, and another person’s heartbeat so close by, he can finally sleep calmly.

[thesweatycollectiontyrant]

Most Demanding Female Roles in Musical Theatre

Hey everyone! I’m gonna be on vacation for the next few days, so I decided to do some shorter posts and queue them once a day while I’m gone! If you have suggestions on some shorter articles I could do on the go, feel free to send topics my way! I’m gonna do a male counterpart to this post, as well as articles for plays.

I’m going to begin that this is in my personal opinion. I’m gonna be just kinda going as I think. I will not be ranking these in any way. ALSO this will not only pertain to lead roles! I’ll be looking at everyone!

Let’s Do This

Rose Hovick in Gypsy

Described as the following: “bossy, demanding, horrific, monster,” this role is kind of a no-brainer when it comes to what is considered demanding. Many amazing women of the theatre have played this role: Ethel Merman, Patti LuPone, Tyne Daly, Angela Lansbury, Imelda Staunton, Bernadette Peters, and just this summer, Carolee Carmello and Beth Leavel. The role is fairly vocally demanding. She sings several of the songs and she has to have a strong belt. She doesn’t dance much, but what really kills the actress is the acting. Tyne Daly described it as “a prize fight”. The role is very demanding. You have to be more or less a ham onstage, age at least ten years over the course of the story, and go through the ache of losing your favorite daughter to seeing the one you settle for become a stripper. All onstage. The character is such a facade. She proclaims that she wants what’s best for her children while she lives vicariously through them. Rose is the prime example of what a stage mother really is. In the final moments of the show, Rose has a mental breakdown in “Rose’s Turn” envisioning herself performing in front of an audience, followed by Louise and her reconciling in the end.

Edith Ewing Bouvier Beale/Edith Bouvier Beale in Grey Gardens

Christine Ebersole originated the mammoth of a role in the screen-to-stage adaptation of the timeless documentary in a dual role, playing “Big Edie” in Act One and “Little Edie” in Act Two. One thing that makes this role demanding is that these people she’s playing were real people who know what these people did, looked like, and sounded like, and if it doesn’t meet expectations, they walk away unsatisfied. The acting in this role is different because of the switch between characters between acts, but the demand for both characters is still there. Big Edie is detrimental in Act One as she tears apart Little Edie’s dreams, then the actress plays Little Edie in Act Two as a woman in her fifties, who reluctantly takes care of her mother despite the hurt she harbors. The actress has to have great comic chops and the ability to impersonate Little Edie in particular. The actress also has to have a very versatile voice to match the elegant Soprano of Big Edie and the squawky timbre (which sweetens quickly) of Little Edie. This is truly a fantastic role.

Margaret Johnson in The Light in the Piazza

This phenomenal woman decided to take her daughter on a trip to Italy, only to discover it wouldn’t be as much of a trip as it was a move. Margaret takes care of her daughter Clara, who is developmentally stalled. In a heartbreaking monologue in Act Two, Margaret explains that at Clara’s birthday party, they ordered a pony for her to play with and show her friends. Margaret went to answer the phone, and the second she wasn’t paying attention, the pony kicked Clara in the head, injuring her brain. Margaret, while in some cases overprotective, wants what’s best for her daughter. She goes through many journeys throughout the story. She watches her daughter grow up before her eyes, realizes the dissolve of her marriage, and ultimately joins a family. There are many asides and monologues that can be dug into and given meaning. This score is notably difficult. It’s filled with many high and low notes; Margaret’s range spans over two octaves (G3-G#5). Victoria Clark immortalized the role for all to see after it was professionally filmed and broadcast on PBS. Seeing a struggling middle-aged woman as the lead of a show isn’t often, and Adam Guettel’s show displays that platform with integrity.

The First Ladies in 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

I did a post about this masterpiece of a flop last week. The actress who plays The First Ladies play the following roles: Abigail Adams, Eliza Monroe, and Julia Grant and Lucy Hayes (simultaneously). The actress must have strong Soprano chops, but also be a good character singer, especially for the tour de force, “Duet for One”. This is theatrically and vocally demanding. Bernstein gave us that. Praise.

Elle Woods in Legally Blonde

Some might say that this role is all fluff. I don’t agree. Elle is a vivacious human who thinks she knows what she wants, and discovers what she needs along the way. This role has to be a true triple threat, as you have to be able to sustain the demanding score, the constant energy, and multiple ensemble dance numbers. Elle is in almost every single song in the show. She has to dance her butt off. Not to mention that she also has to remain in the bubbly sorority girl archetype, but also becomes a stronger woman who begins to trust herself. It’s a very demanding role, and I don’t need blue hairs coming for me.

Diana Goodman in Next to Normal

Brought to life by one of my favorite actresses, Alice Ripley, Diana provides a story that shows her thoughts under a microscope. She suffers from Bipolar II Disorder that comes along with hallucinations of her deceased son, Gabe. Because of her struggle with mental illness, she pushes her daughter, Natalie, away and affects all those around her. What a woman has to go through as Diana is bare her soul. That role is truly for those who wish to leave it all on the stage. The role has a lot of belting in it, but ultimately is for a Mezzo. The range goes from Gb3-F#5 (yes, they’re enharmonic, but they’re written differently), so just on two octaves. Diana goes through several breakdowns throughout the show and ultimately leaves her family in hope that they will be better without her. This takes both a powerhouse actress and singer.

Cunegonde in Candide

This role has been performed by many actresses and singers, but. Cunegonde is the definition of elegant, but just a bit off her nut. She sings one of the most difficult musical theatre songs ever written, “Glitter and Be Gay” and has several duets with notes almost as high in “We Are Women,” “Oh, Happy We,” and “Make Our Garden Grow”. The score is incredibly difficult, so I would definitely say that this role is very demanding.

Margaret White in Carrie

Yes, I know this show was infamous for being kind of awful, but the place someone has to go to play this part is so dark that it’s scary. A woman like Margaret has clearly been abused of some sort. In fact, the book (I believe, it’s been a while since I’ve read it) reveals that Carrie was conceived by rape. It’s truly heartbreaking. This woman wants what is best for her daughter, even if she goes through some interesting ways to giver her that. The subtlety an actress has to have to not cross the line of making Margaret’s religion and motives borderline comical is great. The role seems very easy to make a caricature of Christian women over the area. The score in the revised version is quite difficult, calling for Margaret to be a Soprano who also has lower notes and some belting, although there’s plenty of room for stylistic choice! I’m just going off of the brilliance of Marin Mazzie. The role is quite demanding for anyone to step into.

Eva Peron in Evita

To play Eva Peron, a woman has to screlt her face off and sustain that for the entire night. The different places her voice would need to go is so vastly different. The range extends from E3-G5 without much of a break. The vocals are very demanding. Since I haven’t seen the show live and it’s *mostly* (?) thrusung, I’m not sure what all vigorous acting has to be done. But oh my Lord, the score is tough.

Trina in Falsettos

I don’t even know where to begin about this character. There’s very little dancing for the part, but there is just about everything you could think of in the other two departments. Her range spans two octaves, and she has to belt at the top of her range, but also have a nice an strong head voice throughout the show. The acting is very vulnerable. Trina is a person who has been exposed to a lot of hurt throughout her life. She goes through just about everything, and still comes out of it. This is a beautiful and heartbreaking role.

Veronica Sawyer in Heathers

The score in Heathers is pulsing with punk rock and 80s influences. Veronica is a very demanding part because of the plot points that happen to her. It’s a very interesting and complicated story that I don’t want to get into, but just know that this role is a whole step away from having the highest belted note in Musical Theatre history (A5), losing only to Jennifer Simard as Sister Mary Downy in Disaster!, who belts a B5. Veronica goes through a lot in this story, and is in most of the scenes in the show, and is also constantly singing and belting VERY high.

Dolly Gallagher Levi in Hello, Dolly!

I want to preface this with the fact that typically, this role is done by an older woman, so take that into circumstances. This role is loaded with stage time, comic timing, and singing. You have to have great comic chops, and depending on how you do it, one of three things with your singing voice: you can sing it in the original keys down the octave (which is the way it was originally done) which puts you as a super low Alto/Female Tenor, you can do it similar keys that Barbra Streisand did from the movie, taking the range to a Mezzo, or you can be a brave Soprano and sing it in the original Carol Channing keys, but sing everything up the octave. Any of the three are delightful. This is one of my favorite roles, and is TRULY demanding. The emotional journey (while not trolling Mr. Vandergelder) is beautiful for Dolly. She discovers so much about herself and what she becomes after she accepts Ephraim’s death and decides to move on with her life. It’s just sublime.

Effie Melody White in Dreamgirls

This is another role that would be very easy to make a caricature of. Effie is a troubled and talented woman. The role is very taxing vocally, and also the acting is very intense, especially in Act One. Effie truly has an amazing transformation from a misunderstood starlet to a confident woman. She doesn’t have a lot of time offstage until Act Two, and even then, she has an amazing solo.

Bess in Porgy and Bess

I don’t want to get into describing the heartbreak that this character goes through. Just know that there are a lot of traumatic events that happen to her and she still finds love (even though it ends different then you want). The score is incredibly demanding, even causing Broadway superstar Audra McDonald vocal problems. This is a fantastic role for an African-American Soprano who has great acting chops.

Dot/Marie in Sunday in the Park with George

Bernadette Peters did this brilliant role on Broadway and it was broadcast to the world on PBS. The dual role that actually switches and then switches back once again is very theatrically and vocally demanding. The role is onstage most of the show and is just very alive and energetic throughout the show, even when she plays an old woman. The beautiful and poetic words that just flow everywhere have so much meaning. There’s quite a bit of range that spans through the show as well.

Celie Harris Johnson in The Color Purple

There is such a delicate presence for this role. Celie is like a cat. She starts out like a kitten that is hushed and silenced, but by the end she is a roaring lion that will speak for everyone to hear. I adore the resilience this character has. LaChanze possibly had a lot of pressure to be like the movie. Cynthia Erivo definitely made the role personal to her, and it showed. Celie is a demanding role because of her constant stage time and the relentless score. The character literally spans from an E3 to a G5 in ONE song. Oh my Lord. But what a role. It really is amazing. And demanding.

I’m sure there are some that people feel I left out, but be sure to message or let me know your thoughts on this!

[takaraphoenix]

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Fuck. This is going to be really very long. And I am saying that knowing how long my previous rants were. Those were short compared to what’s about to come.

I absolutely, completely and unconditionally love Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It is the singular most perfect TV show in existence. Nothing I have ever seen has lived up to it and I doubt anything I will ever see will live up to this show in its whole. This is my second favorite show on my top five list and it’s held that spot for the past fifteen years (which mind sound strange that I put the “most perfect TV show in existence” on spot two, but… I’m fully aware of all the flaws in my most favorite show and that I love that one with my nostalgia goggles on, but it will still always be my number one and not even Buffy’s perfection can kick it off the throne).

Now, just because I love something doesn’t mean I perceive it as flawless. I am fully aware of its flaws. But nothing is a hundred percent perfect.

I don’t even know where to start, but I think the beginning is the best.

What I hate about most supernatural shows is how “They are now thrown into this strange, new world with monsters… and immediately forget all about their non-supernatural friends” that literally every other show with supernatural elements does.

Not Buffy. When she first meets Willow and Xander, the two kind of only had each other and their buffy who gets killed off right at the start. And even then, Willow and Xander were the non-supernatural normal friends. And they became so important.

The fact that Buffy has this group of ordinary people behind her and really just human characters and that they back her up, that alone is awesome.

The Scooby Gang in general is awesome.

That is my favorite thing about the show. The relationships between the characters and how important they are. That the friendship never takes second place to the romance, like how many other shows like to write it. Because regardless of who was added to the plot and who left again, in the very end, it always came down to Buffy, Willow, Xander and Giles and I will always cry at the show’s finale when it is just the four of them, parting ways to go into their very last battle, I mean fuck I’m crying right now just writing this because it was just so heavy with the emotions and the importance of their friendship.

They are the heart and backbone of this show and the show never forgot it.

Many shows forget themselves, they forget the values and beauty they once represented, the longer the show goes on. And Buffy never did. Sure, it lost itself in the middle - but we’ll get to that when we get to that - but it caught itself and never declined fully.

Buffy Summers is an amazing character. She’s a girly-girl who loves lollipops and talking about boys and whining. She’s the most badass female character ever written in TV who saves the world repeatedly and comes back from the dead just to do it again, who has been beaten down by life in the cruelest ways possible and still kept on surviving but never without the scars. Her struggles were never just shrugged off. They became themes that were being dealt with realistically. For fuck’s sake, we had a plotline about her working at a burger shop because yes, this is a show taking place in reality and bills are something that needs to be paid even if you save the world. She is not a perfect character, she made a lot of bad decisions along the way, but that is what makes her human. She is not some character created for an agenda to show that “girls can do anything boys can” and is thus forbidden from doing anything overly girls, as many writers mistakenly do when trying to write strong female characters, because a female is not powerful and strong just because she belittles women who like wearing pink and dressing prettily and who see “girl” as an insult. That is not how strong women work.

Women are complex characters, just like every character should be. They don’t have to solemnly be one way so they aren’t the other way. And Buffy is a beautiful example of the complexity of it all.

Willow Rosenberg is an amazing character. She’s one of the characters in TV that had the biggest character development. This shy, demure girl that became the most badass bitch around who could kick your ass into a parallel dimension with the blink of an eye. The fact that she was literally the first lesbian I ever saw only made her more amazing for me. You see, I started watching Buffy with season 4, which first premiered in Germany in 2001, because, well, I was 10 when I started watching that show since earlier was kind of a little too young in my mom’s eyes, but she’s been watching it for years at that point and I kept lingering in the doorway with pleading eyes because vampires and witches and werewolves, mom, please, until I got to watch it. Right in the season where Willow and Tara fell in love. And I was legitimately in awe, because the concept of two women falling in love was new to me. I never met a real life lesbian before and on TV, the highest of their feelings were Will & Grace with the gays, but lesbians? Never seen that before. It was amazing for me.

And I will forever be grateful that Willow and Tara were my first representation of lesbians that I met.

Xander Harris is an amazing characer. I mean, seriously, I could do this for nearly every character but I’ll only be doing it for the Big Three for the sake of time, okay? He was this fearful, dorky, kinda useless normal dude in the beginning, but he had such a strong backbone, he always knew he’d be there for his friends. And he always was. What made him so special was that he wasn’t special. He was just A Guy. Where Buffy was the Slayer and Willow became the most powerful witch in existence, he was just a normal guy. The original Matt Donovan and Stiles Stilinski and Simon Lewis (despite him turning into a vampire later on, I will still count him for this category). The quippy human best friend to the supernatural. But he adapted. He found his own place among the supernatural and his own way of prodicing for them, helping them.

It amuses me that actually, I kind of started watching this show with its weakest season. Season 4. But let’s start with the other seasons first (I mean, I warned you guys that this is gonna be long).

Buffy was my first high school TV show. All shows I had watched up to that point were family comedies like Married with Children and Full House. But this was the first real look into how American high schools work and I loved it. The first three seasons in itself are the best of Buffy. I’m not even able to pick one season as the best because I like the whole stretch of it.

The dynamics, the characters, the villains, the plots.

Cordelia Chase is - argh, I didn’t want to do this for every character, so I’ll keep it short - another amazing example at character development. From the shallow, air-headed Barbie to a strong ally and friend who fought with her head held high and I will never forget Angel for ruining her.

And okay, if I take a sentence for Cordelia, I can really, truly not skip Giles. Giles, who will forever be The Mentor. When I hear “mentor figure” or “father figure”, I will always first and foremost think of Giles. He was the father and guide to them all, but he was not the one strong pillar, he too had his struggles. It’s one of the things that made me love the second Percy Jackson movie because Anthony Stewart Head is who I pictured as Chiron when reading the books and it is the most perfect casting they could have made.

The first three seasons arched beautifully together, tying the struggles of the high school students turned demon hunters, the funny elements and self-awareness, the serious undertones.

The scene at graduation when the class gave Buffy an award for being Class Protector is one of my favorite TV moments, because this… this acknowledgment of “Yeah, we weren’t always there for you and we didn’t bother getting to know you, but we know you’re there and we know what you did for us” and honestly, I’m crying again, this is ridiculous.

They graduate from high school and then… life continues. Like. Life continues in a realistic way. They go to college, or not in Xander’s case. They struggle with what to do with their lives, they try to find their own paths in what I consider the most realistic portrait in TV. In others, it’s not just “Yup, they college. We’ll mention college every now and again, but it never interferes with the demon hunting” like with most others. Buffy struggles with college work and demon killing, Willow soaks it all up because it’s exactly her world, Xander doesn’t know what to do with it, Giles struggles with what to do with his life in general.

Still, I consider season 4 the weakest season because the Initiative was… It wasn’t used well enough. It appeared and then it kind of disappeared again and in this show where the lore and world-building are so rich and on-point, the Initiative was the one hit and miss they did. Not to mention, I don’t like zombies and Adam creeped me out and was the weirdest major Big Bad that they ever had in that show.

But it brought back Spike and made him a more complex character than just “Bad guy with bad attitude and insane girlfriend”.

Which is a good cue-in for the ships and love-stories, actually.

Buffy is and perhaps will always be the only franchise where the love-triangle clicks for me. Angel/Buffy? Yes. Oh god, what a beautiful, tragic love-story, please give me more of them, OTP all the way. Spike/Buffy? Oh, the pain but they are so good for them and when he’s good, he’s the best, please give me more of them, OTP all the way.

I literally can not decide on who to ship her with. With most love-triangles, I either do not care about both options, or I want to cross the badly written female out of the equation and want to dive right into the slash fiction, or there’s only one good pairing in the options anyway.

The tragicly ironic thing is that for Willow, I have and always will ship her most with Oz though. Willow and Oz were that perfect soft warm ship for me, when I got to finally watch the first three seasons as the reruns hit Germany.

Willow and Tara, while beautiful at times, were also very tragic. The way Willow lied to Tara and manipulated her was just so unhealthy. I do love them together, I just think that I love Oz and Willow a bit more.

Xander is a mess. Like. Seriously. Him and Cordelia. Him and Anya. I can not decide which one I like more in the end, but think that, at this point, it really does become clear that I can cut this show into two parts. The first three seasons of high school where Angel/Buffy, Xander/Cordelia and Oz/Willow are just all the yes, as well as the post graduation seasons where Spike/Buffy, Xander/Anya and Willow/Tara are just all the yes. Which really, truly fascinates me.

Because it’s really rare for a show to get me on board with its canon couples in general. This show does an amazing job on that too.

So, season 4 was kind of flawed in the way the Initiative wasn’t grounded enough in this world and how weak its endgame villain came off.

Season 5 brought the legit only thing about this show that I hate. Dawn Summers.

Urgh. It makes me shudder to just think about her. She’s such an awful and useless and stupid person. And yes, I’m saying person here, because “character” would blame it on the writing and make it sound like she’s a badly written character, which she is not. She was intended to be the annoying, dumb, useless little sister. Not every character can or has to be flawless or lovable. She’s just that… one that isn’t.

And she just becomes worse in season 6, honestly. She is such a self-centered brat that has no concept of the struggles of others. Like. Yes, I understand that she has problems and that she suffers too, but so does everyone and if someone doesn’t have time for her, she acts out. They just… They do have a lot on their plates, trying to save the world and keep you from being homeless, you know? Which, okay, was a solid portrayal of an angsty, bratty teen, I suppose, because teenagers, as I recall from my own time as one, are fascinatingly blind for the struggles of adults. Doesn’t make her less annoying though.

I take back what I said earlier, about not being able to pick a favorite season. Season 6 is my favorite season, which in itself is baffling. Normally, I pick one of the very early seasons of a show because they keep declining afterward until they crash and burn.

Season 6 did the exact opposite of what other shows do. Where other shows feel the need to top it all off, go wilder and broader and more brutal and bigger enemies until it becomes an unrealistic mess, this one just…

Three human boys.

That’s the enemy of the season. Just three stupid idiots who play pranks on the good guys, for the most part. And it was the perfect choice, because instead of having to deal with those major Big Bads, we get the chance to deal with the characters. The one thing I keep complaining about in other shows, how they’re too overcrowded with plot to even give the characters any time to deal with stuff or interact.

Buffy did it.

They stepped back from the Big Bad in favor of dealing with the bigger issues. Dawn being not a real human and not dealing well with that. Buffy having died and being brought back. Willow becoming addicted to magic. Xander… completely fucking up the best thing in his life.

We have character plots in this season.

Character plots that still end in a big battle of epic proportions when Willow literally becomes a Dark Witch powerful enough to destroy the world. But instead of it being some epic battle, it’s one of the… quietest fights ever and it’s brought home in such a beautiful way because it’s about grief and loss and pain and love.

And those. Those are the moments that make Buffy the most perfect TV show to me. It never loses its humanity. Maybe the most emotional scene in all of this show happened in season 5, when Joyce Summers died and Anya talked about her death, about the concept of death. That will never cease to make me cry.

And season 7 was the perfect ending. The way it rounded things up, it brought every single thing full circle, all the way to that above mentioned scene of Giles, Buffy, Willow and Xander parting ways before the very final battle, among all the loudness of everyone, it is brought to the forefront one last time that it is them.

The way they solved the whole Slayer thing, the Big Bad they chose for their final season, the development. Nathan Fillion as one of the creepiest bad guys ever. The fact that, even after all those seasons already, Buffy still had a struggle, had to prove herself.

I have one or two major bones to pick with it, because I hated when the group decided “Lol, nope, we don’t need you, Buffy”… that broke my heart. It breaks my heart every single time I watch it because even her friends tell her they need a break from her. I mean, I love how she found safety and support in Spike’s arms after that scene, but that it happened at all and that after things of course go wrong without Buffy, they all come crawling back… it makes me angry. It was important to bring them all as a team together, but to me it will always feel OoC coming from those she had fought alongside with for seven years, those who should always have her back who always did have her back.

And, when talking about bones to pick, aside from weak season 4 and Dawn Summers, there’s just one more major thing that I have a problem with.

Hank Summers. For those who forgot because he’s literally only been in two episodes, that’s Buffy’s dad. Because Buffy has a father. The “(half-)orphan”-trope is very overused, but I genuinely think this show would have benefitted from it.

Hank Summers does nothing. Not even when his ex-wife dies and his teenage daughter and barely-above-twenty daughter are left all on their own. He doesn’t pitch in with money, he doesn’t visit, he doesn’t even think about taking Dawn in and taking care of her himself.

I mean. Same as with Dawn, it can just be said that he is a Bad Person and a Seriously Bad Dad, but… Give me a break, Buffy deserved better than that. Having him be dead would really have been better, especially when Joyce dies and he just… “Nope, no interest in those kids”.

And on that note, let me add Faith (who I accidentally forgot about before). She’s... probably the most complex character, because it’s easy to hate her, but it’s also kind of easy to love her. She’s definitely the most flawed character and that’s what makes her good. Because she’s bad. She gets the same powers as Buffy, but unlike other Slayers, she gets morally corrupted. But she also finds her way again. She’s a badass bitch and she definitely brought something new to the table. I loved how flawed she was, because she was not a good person, but when needed, she was one of the good guys. They never pretended to turn her around into a good person though, she always stayed true to herself.

The reason I’m adding her here is because I feel like she messes up the mythology a little. Part of me really loved how they brought in Kendra after Buffy died, because “When the Slayer dies, another Slayer awakens” and that they remembered to keep with that when Kendra died. But after that, this kind of really fell apart and is one of the biggest plot-holes to the show, in my eyes.

Buffy died three times. But only her first death awakened a new Slayer. Now, you can argue that with that, the mantle was passed on, but... When Buffy came back from the dead, she still had her Slayer abilities. She was still the Slayer, she wasn’t suddenly back to being the normal girl she was before she turned sixteen and became the Slayer. So technically, considering she was still the Slayer, her other deaths should have also passed on the mantle and thus awoken two more Slayers.

Not to mention... in the history of Slayers, Buffy was the first one to be brought back to life? I always found that hard to believe. No one ever used CPR or magic on a Slayer before? I doubt it.

So in this very rich and grounded lore and mythology, I have a problem with “We got Kendra and then we got Faith and... we don’t bother explaining why we never got any additional Slayers”.

Now, as we conclude this, let me wrap up what exactly makes Buffy the Vampire Slayer the most perfect TV show to me.

1.) The superb writing.

Not just the plot as I laid it out above, the way they knew when to step back and when to give character plotlines instead of big and loud action plots. Simply the dialogues alone. This show holds up. It’s a time-capsule of the 90s, sure, but its writing and dialogues are still funny, emotional, heavy, with exactly the right words chosen. The writing on this show is in every aspect overwhelmingly brilliant.

2.) The characters.

They’re individual, they’re well-developed, they have their own plots and relationships and they are all important, not just the titular character. It inverted tropes with its characters, it managed to put strong female characters out there without having “being a strong female character” be their only and defining character trades.

3.) The story.

Okay, this is technically part of the writing too, but I think it deserves its special shout-out. Because this show has a consistent lore where not all of a sudden all the time something new is shoehorned in and retconned in and where it comes apart by the seams the more seasons it has because you notice the writers didn’t think ahead so far. No, this world is fleshed out, its lore is established and as it is. It’s consistent.

Yes, it’s not flawless, but damn it’s the closest to flawless that I’ve ever seen.

[sashaisrarelyhere]

My review of A Court of Wings and Ruin by Sarah J. Maas Read May 2nd - May 7th My rating: 4 out of 5 stars.

                                 I belong to no one. But my heart belongs to you. I can't believe it's over. This series and characters mean so much to me and even though we are getting the spin-off novels, Feyre and Rhysand story is over. I'm going to rate the book 4 stars for now. It has flaws, but for emotional impact this novel had on me, how truly wonderful it was, it deserves 4 stars. !Fair warning: this review will contain spoilers and lots of critisism on the book.! We are allowed to critisize the things we love, just if you weren't sure. The plot and the narration The book is divided into three parts: Princess of Charrion, Cursebreaker and High Lady. I think the first part was the most captivating. The way Feyre ruined the Spring Court from inside was a sight to behold. When she's back to Velaris though. Naturally, I squealed when Feyre and Rhys reunited, when the whole squad was back together. But I found the following chapters less engaging. There is so much story to be told and we got to see it only from Feyre pov. Meetings with other High Lords were as much fun as I anticipated. It was so great to see other courts and other folks. Day Court, Summer Court and Winer Courts are my favorites. The Autumn Court can and should rot in hell. The final battle was both predictable and emotional. Mind you, I didn't guess all the plot twists, but the major points were quite obvious. The scenes that recked me and made me bawl my eyes out are 1) Amren deceipt and sacrifice; 2) Elain and Nesta slaughtering the King; 3) Rhys' death and resurraction. My main problem with the book is that the book doesn't feel like the finale. Feyre's story is finished, but there are so many loose ends. Sarah J. Maas is prepared to cover them all in upcoming spin-off books featuring other protagonists, I'm sure of it. Because of that, the book has a tone of unfinishness and it's a bummer. Also I'm quite disatisfied with the fact that Rhys pov happens only twice in the book. From what I understood, the author mentioned dual pov in the third book and I can hardly consider 2 small chapters in 700 page book to be a "dual pov novel". Such a shame. In ACoTar and ACoMaF having only Feyre's 1st person pov works, but in ACoWaR we are confined in her pov. I wanted to know Rhys or Lucien or Nesta's povs. In terms of big picture, Sarah J Maas has falied to reach the awesomeness of Queen of Shadows and even Empire of Storms politics and grabs scheme. I heard that many people were annoyed with the abundance of sex scene. Um, okay, but he book has literally like three excplicit scenes, which is basically nothing. They were well-written too, in my opinion. (I'm a huge fan of New Adult novels, peraps that's why I was totally on board of everything sex and explicit) Briefly, I was engaged by the story but not blowen away. The characters I love Feyre and I'm so proud of her. She has truly great arc. ACoWaR gives us the glimpse of what a good High Lady she will become. Her chemistry with Rhys is so very strong. Rhys is probably my favorite male character. He's kind, brave, vulnerable,snarky etc etc. I do think that his tendancy to pull Aelin is annoying (try to do things by himself and don't share your plans with your friends, fyi). But he's so good and Feyre and Rhys together are definitely one of my favorite couples of all time. I am sad that we didn't get to see more of Court of Dreams. I wanted the book to have more of Cassian. Nesta, Az, Elain, Mor and Amren and their interactions with each other/ Probably we didn't get it all because 1) the book would've been 900 pages long and 2) we need some unfinishness for sequels. Apart from the King, the rest of the characters were delightfully morally ambigious and gray. Jurian surprised me. I was bedrudgenly surprised by Tamlin. I enjoyed meeting High Lords and their mates/lovers. It's great to see the story and the setting expand and for Feyre and us to meet all these interesitng folks. Amren! I didn't see her and Varian coming as lovers. One of the "oh my god what?!" moments. I'm glad Feyre has patched up her relationship with sisters. All three of them has work to do but they are on the right path. We might get Az/Elain as a couple and I object. I'd love for them to remain friends. They have a strong connection and they clearly are kindred spirits, but let us have male/female friendship. Obviously, the book provides us with the examples of this friendship, but I have very strong feelings about Az/Elain. The diversity or lack thereof Sarah J Maas is infamous for her lack of diversity. We writes wonderful complex characters but all of them mysteriously end up being white cis and straight. In a series with over 1500 pages long, it is a problem. Many people pointed out the lack of people of color. Prythian has one court (Summer Court) with dark skin faes. And that's basically it. In passing we mention dark skins humans who were later on killed and Miryam, the half-fae lady, has dark skin, too. Important moment, the author describes her skin as "dark honey". Let's bury the food comparisons when we talk about poc complexion. Thank you. Again, as a white girl, it's not exactly my place to say. I'm just speaking from my heart and common freaking sense. Note, I'm a white Russian girl and I have a thing to say to Sarah J. Maas about using a name from Russian folklore for no reason whatsoever. Some old deathgod from legends is called Koschei. He literally was mentioned once. The name that's familar to me from childhood and has nothing to do with the story. It was so out of place, I was buffled. Should I cry cultural appropriation because of one name& The total heteronormativity of these books has been adressed before. In ACoWaR the author adds queer characters and we met the diversity done wrong situation. Or partially wrong. As a bisexual, I was delighted to see myself represented in sapphic fae ladies, who are also heroes, in polyam bi High Lord, who's smart and cunning. We have two establsihed queer couples of secondary characters, one is f/f and they are mostly offscreen and m/m couple that is present, again as secondary characters. We don't get to see a lot of them. However, I am very concerned with the fact that Thesan male lover doesn't even have a name! He is always refered as "captain", "mate", "lover". It looks like the author couldn't even be bothered with giving her third and the last queer man a name. One fae from the sapphic couples has deformed wings and she's a symbol of fighting obstacle and overcoming herself. I don't know why exactly it makes me feel uncomfortable. maybe because the only character with deformed wings is queer Nephelle? High Lord of Day Court prefers lovers of any gender. I'm totally on board with it. I think he's okay, if we ignore that he let the woman he loves be taken by abusive asshole for centuries. Okay, he's not okay exactly. And finally, Morrigan. I have conflicting opinions about her characterisation and her queerness revealed, but. I am absolutely posivite that if I slept with him, even once, just to try, to make sure... is Nope. Please, do not write these lines about lesbians. No matter the context the character lives in, we as reader don't need it. I can't imagine the impact that line might have on young lesbians who are still figuring themselves. What if they feel pressured to "just try". We live already in heteronoramitve society, we don't need the added pressure for the authors. And the second thing, Mor's peference in women was delivered as a plot twist. Which isn't a decent thing to do. Sexualty =/= plot twist. However, I'm not sure how I feel about her sleeping with other men as a coverup for centuries. This beautiful brave independent woman was terrfyied to even tell her closest friends??? I don't know if we crossed the line to "tragic gays domain" or if her characterisation may be explained by the abusive society she grew up in. As a result, for 500 years she hasn't told Az straignt that she will never be interested in him. Sarah J Maas announced that she's writing 3 more novels and couple of novellas. I sure hope that Morrigan will get a full novel with HEA for her and some lovely girlfriend. I don't even want to think about other scenario. Naturally, Feyre didn't have any problems with Mor being gay when she told her, because Feyre isn't a shitty freaking person, so it's not a surprise. But again, it felt like a straight person gave their blessing on queerness. I don't know. The whole scene makes me feel conflicting. I want to be happy because we have a lesbian in Court of Dream, but how it happened isn't ideal, in my opinion. EDIT: It came to my attention that some people view Mor as homoromantic bisexual. While I personally think she's a lesbian, the only confirmation of her sexuality we get is that she prefers females, but she had sex with males over the years without enjoying it much. I am open to talk about it, all of it, because I'd love to hear your thoughts and if you think I'm wrong, I'd love to hear it, too. All in all, the author tried to add diverse characters to her story and she partially sucseeded. This series is so very dear to me. I did my best at being objective about it's flaws and drawbacks, I still love these books and A Court of Wings and Ruin is rather satisfying ending for Feyre and Rhys' story. For Feyre's arc.

[dancergurl3000]

My year in review! 12/31/17 (In books, the books that I have read in the year 2017). An essay.

In the year 2017, I have read 23 books in total. I will review some of them that I did like, and others, not so much.

1. Kathy Griffin’s second memoir, “Celebrity Run-Ins, A-Z.” Last year I had bought this specific book as a Christmas present to myself. 2017 has been a totally shitty year for Ms. Griffin. In May, she posted to Facebook.com a picture of a Halloween mask with ketchup smeared all over it, and once it spread, it spread like wildfire. She lost a lot of her coveted jobs: CNN fired her the following week from the New Year’s Eve broadcast that she would do with Anderson Cooper, literally the only thing fun about New Year’s Eve was watching her make Anderson Cooper do weird shit in the freezing cold. It was a bad call, but not one I would say is on the same level with Kramer yelling the “N-word” to an audience member for heckling him at a stand up show. She’s literally on the FBI terror watch list now, lost her sister due to a significant and long battle with cancer, and cut all of her hair off. She’s Janice Ian in Middle School, with Trump being Regina George. It’s ridiculous, but if anyone can come back from a tasteless joke, it’s Kathy. Like Jane Fonda, she’s had (in Kathy’s own words mind you): “ a wall of shit fall in on her, and she’s survived, I dig her!” My sentiments on exactly on how I feel about YOU Ms. Kathy Griffin. What I hope for Ms. Kathy Griffin in 2018 is that she gets her revenge. Whether it’s a revenge body, or a revenge stand up set that knocks it out of the park, I would hope honestly that this isn’t the last we’ve seen of her, and that in 2018 she makes fun of the truly dumb as shit New Year’s Eve broadcast with cross-eyed as fuck Andy Cohen and Anderson Cooper tonight. And no I am not watching it.

2. Charles M. Blow’s Memoir “Fire Shut Up in my bones.” The first ten pages of this novel made me want to scream into the heavens: “HOW COULD YOU?!” to his cousin, who he tells in intimate detail mind you of how his cousin raped him when he was a kid, and for most of his life, he tries to figure out why, and how in the world did he let this happen, and what he did to bring this on. In the first 20 pages of the novel, we see him struggle with maybe trying to kill his cousin for his crimes, as his cousin was never charged with sexual abuse. But the main problem I have with that was: his cousin was much much older than Charlie. And it damaged this particular writer for LIFE. I’ve read a lot about sexual abuse, and sexual abuse victims/survivors all say a variation of the same thing: that basically it affected them for life. He then goes on to become the first Black Historical writer for The NY Times, and finds himself struggling to tell people his secret, mainly the women he has sex with. Wouldn’t you?

3. TA- Neishi Coates Memoir “Between the world and Me.” In 2017, I FINALLY was able to read this novel. It’s the love letter of our time. It also proves to me at least, that even with 8 years of a Black President, cops honestly have some work to do with how they treat young black men in this country. And body cams don’t change behaviors. 

4. Trevor Noah’s Memoir “Born a Crime.” This novel I bought in February after nursing a bad heart-ache for someone who had rejected me, and I wanted to honestly dive into Trevor Noah’s world for a while. And while he’s unfortunately no Jon Stewart, what he is is very funny. His stand up sets are exactly like this novel, and his work on the daily show right now is so necessary. We all need to be laughing more and more right now, and I appreciate Trevor to let his audience know: that it’s totally OK to be laughing AT Trevor, and WITH him. Please read this book.

5. “A horse walks into a bar” by David Grossman. I didn’t get this one. I finished   it, but I didn’t really understand it.

6. “Sick in the head” by Judd Apatow. As probably the only man in Hollywood who literally HASN’T* pinched a woman’s ass on set, I appreciated Judd’s candor here, and his ability to basically get in the mind of a comic. He’s like the journalist who followed around rock stars in the 1970′s. Totally reminds me of the dude in “Almost famous” who interviewed rock stars, instead this guy just followed and stalked Jerry Seinfeld before anyone knew who Jerry Seinfeld was. (Side-note: Jerry in the 80′s never had any furniture in his NYC apartment).

7. “Difficult Women” by Roxanne Gay. This was the first novel I read by Gay, and it was awesome, sad, depressing, understandable, & relatable. I read it in March when it was too cold to do anything else but read, and it really took me on a journey of fictional women who have very difficult lives. It’s a modern take on what women go through every single day.

8. “All grown up” by Jami Attenberg, my first E-book! I bought this book for my phone, and devoured it, bit by bit, page, by page. It’s really a great book. It follows the main character in her 30′s: aimless, a bit of an alcoholic, and totally removed from anyone in society or her family. She’s a journalist or a writer in NYC, and her older brother has a child who’s dying. She’s drinking herself to death, and her mother just wants to know where she is at all times, and she’s like meh. No. I really liked it. It shows you what’s going on in someone else’s mind when they are just too caught up in their own problems to do anything about anyone else’s. 

9. “The Refugees” by Viet Than Nguyen, yeah I read this one, but I didn’t love it, I liked it fine, but it didn’t have a rhythm to it at all. Wasn’t really all that much of a page turner, it’s not riveting enough.

10. “Evicted, Poverty, and Profit in the American City”, by Matthew Desmond. Now this book! This book was a page turner, might be one of my favorites of the year! I read it in April-May of 2017 this past year, and it honestly tells the tales of poor people in this country and what they will have to go through to keep a roof over their heads. It’s riveting, depressing, sad, and honestly? A necessary read in Trump’s world.

11. Augusten* Burrough’s “Lust and Wonder.” This book made me LAUGH. I read it in June, June of 2017, and Burroughs is really not known for being funny. He is known for being depressing and sad. My mom has read “Dry” like a zillion times! But this book was both funny, and heartwarming! It warmed my heart! Honestly was confused as to who wrote this one, it honestly could be confused with a David Sedaris novel because it is just so funny. I was laughing out loud literally the whole way through!

12. “La Fayette in the somewhat United States” by Sarah Vowell. I have wanted to read this ever since she came on the daily show, and this year I did! Lay Fayette really had a lot of political aspirations, not only that, but he is the man who truly holds American ideals, and American Idealism in the palm of his hand. I enjoy Vowell’s work. And she wrote this during the 2010 Government shut down, which is impressive, to say the least!

13. “The Princess Diarist” by Carrie Fisher.

14. “A $500 House in Detroit, rebuilding an Abandoned Home and an American City” by Drew Phillip. Good read, depressing though!

15. “Sweet bitter.” By Stephanie Danler, this is a necessary read if you want to make it* as a 20 something bartender in NYC. 

16. Neil Degrasse Tyson “Astrophysics for people in a hurry.” A delight, a true delight! Made me want to be in Astronomy class all over again! Read it in a week in May.

17. “Hunger” by Roxanne Gay. Signed first edition, this was a necessary read. I literally had no idea about Gay’s back story, and I’m sure her parents had no idea either. She was gang raped by a boy she loved at 12, and went on to eat and eat and eat to then later cope with the PTSD and depression that comes after a significant trauma. I encourage everyone to read this book, not for the fact that she gained so much weight, but for the fact that she didn’t think she could tell literally anyone that she was gang raped. 

18. “The blood of Emmet Till” by Timothy Tyson. Ugh. This book. It takes you through the journey of what happened to Emmet Till, and the people’s lives it affected, and the author spends some time with either the real woman who said that Till raped her, or wolf whistled at her, or her grand child. The takeaway for her was this: “yes he whistled at me, or yes I cried rape, but honestly?” “That boy did not deserve what he got for that.”

19. “Letterman, the last Giant of Late Night” by Jason Zinoman. This book was fun, and it showed what those TV wars between Leno and Letterman were actually like. He may be an asshole that David Letterman, but he keeps you laughing, so it’s less dangerous! 

20. “The Daily Show, an Oral History” by Chris Smith. I am so glad I own this book. It’s 407 pages long, but it takes you behind the scenes of the daily show. Watching Jon Stewart’s last show, I own it, but I honestly can’t watch it without sobbing. It just can’t happen. “BULLSHIT!” “Is everywhere!” “Are the kids still here?!” “OK, we’ll deal with that later!” 

END OF READING GOAL. BONUS: Read 5 more books!

21. “Standard Deviation” by Katherine Heiny. SUCKED.

22. Al Franken’s “Giant of the Senate.” Too long haha.

23. “I am the messenger” by Markus Zusack*, (comfort reading, I’ve read this book before).