#The plan was to post it tomorrow but I have no self control so I'm posting it now

[kiwilart]

The second and last of the pieces I did for the @batfam-au-zine! It's a foil print and asglkjagças I'm mesmerized by how the foil turned out. It's so pretty to look at???? I've been looking at it for hours. There's a video under keep reading in case anyone wanna see ( •̀ ω •́ )✧

If you missed the pre-orders, leftover sales are now open. Check it HERE! :D

[lostgirlmuseum]

Who the Hell is Daryl?

Summary: Bucky is in love with you, and finally finds the courage to tell you. But what happens when it sounds like someone else is already in the picture? (Miscommunication!)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x f!Avenger!Reader

Words: 2k

Warnings: Miscommunication trope! Only one small mention of “Y/N”, teensy bit of yelling, let me know if I missed anything.

A/N: Wrote this a couple days ago and put it in drafts, spontaneously posted bc I'm procrastinating on an essay. Okay I'll get back to hw now :(

Dividers: @firefly-graphics

He was going to do it. He was really going to do it. 

He was finally going to ask you out.

-----

To the surprise of everyone on the team, you and Bucky had become fast pals after you joined six months ago. Something about the two of you clicked. ‘Opposites attract’ and all that, but Bucky always felt it went deeper than that.

The two of you had never argued, something he felt very proud of, considering he argued with most people. But not you. Never you.

The moment he decided that he needed to man up and ask you out wasn’t anything fancy. You were sparring with Wanda across the gym, and he was simply watching you work in tandem. He watched the entire 15 minute session, and didn’t take his eyes off you, even as you approached him. 

“Buck, I’m out of water, can I take a sip of yours?”

He nodded, “Sure, Doll,” and tossed you his bottle. 

You shot him a charming smile and opened the cap, and not-so-gracefully chugged half the bottle. You wiped your upper lip and handed it back to him. 

“Thanks, Jamie,” you breathily said, and jogged back to the arena. 

His head was completely empty except for a single thought, tumbling through his desert mind like a tumbleweed.

I’m going to marry her someday.

He shocked himself with the thought, he wasn’t sure where it had come from. But he couldn’t help the grin that snuck its way onto his lips as he realized he didn’t disagree with the thought.

Of course before marriage is dating. One step at a time Buck. 

After his realization, he had spent the next three days planning the perfect way to ask you out. He went through an entire list of ideas, but none of them seemed good enough for you. He wanted it to be perfect. But as the clock ticked on and he started running out of paper, he realized it was best to just be honest about his feelings. 

You had just gotten back from a solo mission, and Bucky was hanging out in your room as you showered.

He was blushing like an idiot and fidgeting like crazy on your bed as he waited for you to hurry up. It was surprising he had so much self control as to not blurt it out while you were showering.

“Oh, Bucky,” you called from the bathroom, the sound of the water pausing.

“What’s up?”

“Could you set an alarm on my phone for 7:30 A.M. tomorrow before I forget? I think I left it on the side table.”

“You got it, Doll.”

“You’re the best! I’m almost done, I’ll be out in like two minutes,” you called, and soon after the sound of rushing water resumed.

Bucky grabbed your phone and typed in the passcode, his heart fluttering a little as he thought about how you trusted him enough to know it.

But the flutter stopped almost as quickly as it started, the moment your phone turned on and resumed on your text string with someone. He would’ve ignored it, but a red heart at the top of the screen caught his eye.

Who the hell is “Daryl,” and why does he have a heart emoji next to his name?

Bucky couldn’t help himself as his eyes flitted over your last texts.

Daryl ❤️ I’m back in town, lemme know when you’re around 

You About to leave for a quick mission, but I’ll be back tmw evening. I miss you sm :( how about we meet up Monday morning at 8 at Bernie’s cafe?

Daryl ❤️ Lets do it. And I miss you too, can’t wait to see your beautiful face!! I love you, be careful

You Love you too, and Im always careful 😘

Bucky felt sick to his stomach. You had never mentioned a brother named Daryl, or any other kind of family member. And you’d told him about all your closest friends, and none of them were named Daryl. How did Bucky not know you had a boyfriend?

Bucky fought the urge to scroll up, and quickly tapped out of the app, and set the alarm you asked him to set. 

So you were meeting this “Daryl” tomorrow morning?

Bucky heard the water stop, and the sound of the shower curtain shuffling.

Shit. You were getting out. Fuck, he wasn’t ready to face you.

You’d never mentioned you were in a relationship before. He would remember. How long have you been dating? And more importantly, why did you keep this from him? Did you feel like you couldn’t trust him? Maybe you weren’t as close friends as he’d thought.

“Which movie did you want to watch tonight?” You asked, peeking out of the door with a turquoise towel wrapped around you.

“Um, I’m actually really tired, suddenly. I think I’m going to go to bed.” Bucky stuttered, avoiding your gaze as he quickly stood up.

“Oh, okay,” you responded, disappointment and concern lacing your voice. “Everything okay?”

“Everything is fine. Glad you got back safe. Good night.”

With that, Bucky ducked out of your room and practically ran back to his.

Bucky tossed and turned, and once he got over his embarrassment, he settled into a familiar depressive feeling. Of course you didn’t like him back. What the fuck was he thinking? He’s—well, he’s Bucky. Broken, only destined to ever be your friend. How could he be foolish enough to think you would love him like he loves you. At about hour 4, the heartbreak started turning into betrayal. Betrayal that you kept this from him. And soon enough, that betrayal festered into a kind of resentment, something he’d never felt for you before.

He didn’t get much sleep that night.

Bucky checked the clock for the 20th time in the past 5 minutes. 7:45 A.M. You were probably about to leave. Bucky felt his heart clench. He was usually up by 7, and eating breakfast in the common area by 7:30. He sat at the barstool, dragging his spoon around his now soggy Coco Puffs, waiting for you to appear. Why he felt the need to torture himself, he didn’t know.

Finally, he heard your steps coming down the hall. 

And there you appeared, wearing the most beautiful sundress he had ever seen. It was lavender, and had small white flowers adorning the skirt, and it fell just above your knees. 

Bucky took you in, and his momentary adoration turned back to his heartbreak. You were dressed up as if you were going on a date. There was no chance this wasn’t your boyfriend.

“Good morning Bucky, did you sleep okay last night?” 

“Yes.” He lied. Maybe you would tell him the truth if he asked. Yes it would hurt hearing the truth from your mouth, but he wanted to give you a chance to tell him your secret. “Where are you headed?”

“To meet a friend,” you nodded smoothly. 

Maybe Bucky was crazy. Maybe he was overthinking all of this. Maybe Daryl really was just a friend.

“Which friend?”

“Penny.”

So you were just flat out lying to him now. Bucky nodded and waited for you to leave before moping back to his room. He wanted to cry. And he did for a minute, or two, but his tears turned from sad to angry when he remembered you were now lying. You never lied to Bucky, and Bucky never lied to you. At least, he thought that was how it was. He clenched his fists, mad at you for betraying him, but more mad at himself for believing he could ever have you.

He didn’t move from his bed.

“Bucky?” Your voice emerged after three knocks to his door.

He couldn’t get himself to respond. 

The door slowly creaked open, a stream of light flooding his dark room.

“Hey Buck. You okay? You seemed a little off this morning.”

“Fine.” He mumbled, not turning over in bed to face you.

A pause. 

“Jamie, what’s wrong?” You asked, closing the door behind you and flicking on the light. 

“Don’t call me that.”

“What?” You asked, slightly taken aback. You thought he loved your affectionate nickname for him.

“I don’t want you to call me ‘Jamie’ anymore.”

“Okay…”

He felt the bed dip as you sat next to him. 

“Bucky,” you whispered, “please talk to me.”

He sat up and gave you a pointed look. Was he being immature? Yes. But what could he do, he just discovered that his best friend has been lying to him, and doesn’t love him.

“Where were you?” He asked.

You furrowed your brows a moment, trying to piece together where he was going with this. 

“I was at Bernie’s with Penny.”

“Don’t lie to me.” He sneered.

Your eyes widened at his bite.

“I’m not lying? Bucky, what is going on?”

“What’s going on is that you’ve been keeping the fact that you have a boyfriend from me. Why don’t you want to tell me?”

“A boyfriend?” You blinked. “I don’t have a boyfriend,”

“Why won’t you be honest with me?” He yelled, and you scooted back.

“I am!”

“Then who is Daryl?”

“What?”

“I saw your texts last night, when you asked me to set your alarm.” Bucky looked down at his lap, ashamed.

“Bucky,” you sighed, and a look of understanding crossed your face. A moment later you held out your phone to him.

“What?” He asked, dumbly looking at your outstretched hand. The screen was on your text string with Daryl.

“Call the number.” You simply said.

“What?” He repeated.

“Take my phone, and call the number.”

Confused and suspicious, Bucky grabbed your phone and hesitated over the call icon. 

“Go ahead,” you urged.

He pressed the button. 

Ring.

Ring.

Ri—

“Hey!” A familiar feminine voice rang through the speaker. “What’s up hon?”

“Hello?” Bucky said, looking from the phone to you to the phone.

“Uh, hi? Is that Bucky?”

“P—Penny?” He sputtered.

“Hey Bucky! What’s up, is everything okay? I thought Y/N was calling.”

“Hey Pen,” you interjected, “Everything’s fine, I’ll call you back in a bit, kay’?”

“Sure thing, bye, love ya,” Penny added, and hung up.

Bucky stared at the now blank phone, baffled.

“I don’t understand.”

“Bucky,” you sighed, and tilted his chin to look at you. “I don’t have a boyfriend. Penny is in my contacts as “Daryl” because it’s my funny little nickname for her. My Dad has had a best friend since grade school named Daryl, and they don’t see each other often, but when they do it’s like nothing has changed. They get along like no time has passed. I call Penny “my Daryl” because I know that even if we don’t talk for years, we are so close that I know we would be the exact same.”

Bucky sat quietly for a moment, simply taking in your story. He felt really stupid.

“I’m sorry,” he started, “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I’m sorry I called you a liar.” He struggled to meet your gaze, ashamed of what he did.

“Jamie—can I call you Jamie now?”

He nodded sheepishly.

“Jamie, I forgive you. But I wish you had just talked to me about it, and asked me. We are usually so good about being open with each other. What happened?” You asked, wide eyes looking into his.

“I know, I’m sorry. I flipped out, I guess I was just shocked, because I was going to—” he licked his lips, “well, I was…”

“You can tell me, Bucky. Honesty, remember?” You soothed, placing your hand on his leg.

He gulped.

“I was going to ask you to be with me.”

You tilted your head, not quite understanding.

“Like, I was gonna ask if you’d let me be your boyfriend.” He mumbled. “So when I saw that you were texting and saying ‘I love you’ to some guy, I guess I was just blindsided.”

“James,” you smiled, moving yourself to sit on his lap. You brought your forehead against his. “You silly, jealous man.” You gently stroked his cheek with your right hand. “You want to be my boyfriend?"

"It sounds so juvenile, I don't know, I just want you to be mine, and for you to call me 'yours,'" he mumbled.

"I accept," you giggled, and watched his glittering eyes shoot to yours.

He had started to say something, but he stopped when you brought your soft lips to his.

“I'm so happy,” he whispered between kisses.

Suffice it to say, Bucky completed step one of the path to marrying you.

A/N: Tysm for reading! If you liked it, please feel free to let me know!

Also I'm sorry if the ending sucks, I wrote this in a couple hours and Idk why I'm so bad at endings gahh

Here's my Masterlist if you'd like to read more!

[ros3ybabe]

Day 1/90: 90-Day Challenge 🎀

Here we go again!!

Happy 1st of Febrary, lovelies 🩷

I was initially planning on coming back starting Monday but omg was I so tired after working all weekend and trying to keep up with school work. And now tomorrow is Friday, again? At least I'm not working double shifts this weekend, thankfully.

🏋‍♀️ Physical Health

walked ~10k steps

ordered some groceries

attempted to go to the gym (was having a bad day so it did not work out like that)

🧠 Mental Health

not much, but had a well needed, sorta relationship check in with my boyfriend due to some worrisome and upsetting dreams I had the previous night

♥️ Emotional Health

distracted myself from being sad and grumpy

📚 Intellectual Health

completed and submitted my 1st psyc assignment

planned homework for the next week in my planner

wrote down a sheet of things to remember for chemistry

🏘 Adulting

recieved my new insurance card in the mail and the virtual copy as well

set up an appointment with my therapist for this month

set up an appointment with my psych doctor for this month

set up an appointment with my PCP for this month

submitted an order for my birth control + other medication thru my pharmacy app

paid rent + made a credit card payment

🥰 Self Care

washed a load of laundry

scheduled some cleaning chores for the weekend afternoons

set up a morning routine (in my notes app) for me to begin following

bought some more electrolyte waters for the week

today was honestly not the best day for me mental health wise, if I'm being completely honest. I nearly cried a little but, was definitely overly mean to myself, and felt like garbage for a good part of today. but that didn't stop me from making myself a good dinner, relaxing a bit, being productive, and ending the day in a good mood.

I have no clue what tomorrow's post is going to look like since I have an 8am to 230pm class (we're going to be cooking for ourselves in preparation for the mini restaurant well be running next week). Right after class I'll have to change my shirt and head up a small hill on campus to my job, where I'll work from about 3pm to 930ish pm. so we will see what happens in tomorrow's update!

til next time lovelies 🩷

[cre8inghavoc]

What are friends for?

PT. 7

Status: ongoing!!

Updates: no set date.

WC: 2734

Pairing: megumi fushiguro x FEM!reader

Genre/Warnings:[18+] Characters are aged up. This story contains toxic boyfriend, cursing, name calling, self-doubt/hate, angst, breaking up, post-breakup, alcohol, drug use, drunk moments, new friends, dating!au, college!au, no curses!au, dark humour, dark jokes. SMAU.

Recap:

Now that your ex has retrieved his belongings, you're on a tight deadline to get everything packed by the end of the day. You have to move out tonight, especially since you're starting at a new school tomorrow. Plus, moving everything out today will make it much easier to settle into your new room before school starts. And, it's a good way to pass the time until 6:40 PM tonight, when you plan to head to the park.... Tonight will be the moment of truth to see if he decides to show up. You're overwhelmed with the need to apologize for your silence all week and for turning down his invitations to hang out. And then there's the mess with your ex, which just adds to the chaos. You really want to explain to him that your ex was only there to pick up his stuff before you move, but it's hard to make him understand when you hadn't even mentioned your plans to move to begin with.

It just feels like everything is just spiralling out of control…

MEGUMIS POV:

The phone sits there, taunting me with its silent demand for attention. My fingers itch to reach for it, to answer her call, but I know I can't. It's a battle of wills, and I'm fighting against myself. If I give in, I'll only end up forgiving her too easily, forgetting all about her with her ex.

 But it's so damn hard. 

She's always on my mind, her smile a reminder of genuine warmth that lingers in my thoughts. Her eyes, deep and honest, draw me in with every glance, revealing layers of her soul I can't resist. And her scent... her perfume, it's like a gentle embrace, comforting and alluring, even when she's not around. Every moment with her is like poetry in motion, each touch, each word, sparking a fire of longing within me. She's more than just a person; she's a feeling, an intoxicating presence that I can't shake.

She's a masterpiece in every sense, utterly captivating and impossible to overlook. Despite the simmering anger within me, my deepest longing is to have her close, to revel in the comfort of her embrace. Yet, I restrain myself. I can't muster the strength to answer the phone, to engage with her messages. Not now. At Least not yet….

I glance over at my phone and catch her last message: meet her at the park at 7.

Damn, she makes it so hard to resist.

 7 PM…..

The park across from my place. She'll explain what happened. Maybe it wasn't as serious as it seemed... Maybe he just showed up? Knocking at her door, threatening her. Damn it. If that's the case, what the hell is wrong with me? How could I be so blind? What if he intended to harm her, and I just walked away, leaving her alone? Is she okay? The amount of messages she sent suggests she is, but still... How could I be so reckless? What if she got hurt? I would never forgive myself. Never.

Fuck!

I have to go…. I have to make sure she's okay, to reassure myself that my fears are unfounded. And if she needs me, I'll be there, no matter what.

I glance at the time: 6:55 PM.

God damn it... 

I won't make it back in time, at least not for another 10 minutes or so. With a heavy heart and a sense of urgency, I gather my thoughts and hit the gas, pushing the limits to get home as quickly as possible, determined to find her and ensure her safety, no matter the cost.

I'll just call her and let her know I'm on my way and that I'll be a little late. As I pick up my phone and dial her number, it goes straight to voicemail twice. Is she ignoring me? No, she wouldn't... Why would she? Maybe her phone's dead? Or maybe she turned it off? I have to get to her as fast as I can.

But as I arrive, the park is deserted, and she's nowhere to be seen. Dread washes over me, realizing I'm 15 minutes late. Did she give up on me? Did she think I wouldn't come? Panic sets in as I frantically search, hoping against hope that she's still here, waiting for me…

But she's not. She's gone. And the weight of that realization hits me like a ton of bricks.

I pick up my phone again, desperate, and dial her number once more. But it goes straight to voicemail again.

"Please, angel... pick up," I whisper into the void, my voice strained with worry.

But there's no answer. Just silence. And in that silence, my fears grow stronger, gnawing at my heart with a relentless grip.

YOUR POV

You arrived at the park five minutes early, hoping against hope that Megumi would show up on time.

6:55 PM.

Anxiety courses through your veins, the uncertainty of his reaction weighing heavily on your mind. Would he even show up? Or would he take your explanation poorly, not believing a word you'd say, and then leave you? Both outcomes are equally terrifying, but you can't shake the feeling that Megumi not showing up might be slightly worse. It would mean he wants nothing to do with you, and you wouldn't even have the chance to explain what actually happened. The guilt would eat away at you.

You've turned your phone off, ensuring that when he arrives, if he does, you won't be interrupted. Your focus would be solely on him.

7:00 PM.

You sit there, waiting, scanning the park for any sign of him. Each person who approaches, you hope it's him, but it never is. With every passing moment, your thoughts spiral further. Was he ever going to show up? Did something happen? Or does he just not want you anymore?

7:10 PM.

You give him an extra ten minutes, clinging to the hope that maybe he's running late. But as the minutes tick by, hope fades into disappointment. He's not coming. He didn't come. What's the point in waiting any longer? Even if he did show up, would you be angry? Upset? Feeling unimportant because of his lateness? Maybe he forgot or didn't see your message? You try to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it's hard. Trust is a fragile thing, especially after what you went through with your ex.

You stand from the bench, tears threatening to spill, but you hold them back as best as you can. The emotions swirl within you—sadness, disappointment, frustration. You start to walk away, making your way back home. You've already packed everything after kicking out your ex, so all that's left to do is go back. The movers said they'd be there by 8 PM to gather your things and take them to your new place.

At 9:40 PM, over an hour has passed since you finally moved into your new place. With the help of your friends, unpacking was a breeze, and it felt surprisingly good to be living with them. As you make your way to your room, you're pleasantly surprised to find it larger than expected. Thank goodness for Toge's spacious house, where even the rooms are sizable. And having your own bathroom? That's a luxury you definitely appreciate.

You take a moment to survey the space, considering how to arrange your belongings. With a generous window offering a view of the expansive backyard—complete with lush green grass, towering trees, and a sparkling pool—you decide to position your bed beside it. It's the perfect spot to gaze at your favorite view, especially with the moon casting its gentle glow outside.

Setting up your room with your friends was a joyous experience, making the whole moving process feel more fun and exciting. As you begin to organize, you can't help but feel a sense of contentment and anticipation for the adventures that await in your new home.

You call out to Maki, asking for her help in setting up your gaming equipment in the corner.

"Yep! Is your PC in this box?" she asks, pointing at the one labeled "fragile."

"Yes, ma'am!" you confirm with a smile.

Turning to Toge and Yuta, you assign them the task of mounting your TV on the wall across from your bed.

“Yes ma’am! You got it!” Toge says, in his usual playful manner, as he salutes. 

“You’re so stupid” You say while slapping your forehead. 

Laughter fills the room, easing the tension that's been weighing on you all day. You don't realize how late it's gotten until you finally check the clock: 12:12 AM.

With a mixture of relief and gratitude, you thank your friends for their help. However, beneath the surface, the lingering disappointment of Megumi's absence still weighs heavily on your mind. Though you try to push it aside, your friends can sense that something's bothering you.

"Thank you guys so much for helping me. I'm sorry for taking up so much of your time!" you apologize.

"You know you don't have to thank us... We're always going to be here for you!" Maki reassures you.

"I could've been playing Fortnite, so she does have to apologize for taking up my precious time," Toge interjects jokingly, prompting laughter from everyone.

"Sorry, Toge, didn't know Fortnite was more important," you tease back, rolling your eyes.

"Just kidding, obviously you're more important!!!" Toge replies with a smirk, in a sarcastic tone, though what he said is true... you definitely are more important.

"Wow, screw you," you playfully retort, sticking out your tongue and your middle finger as you all continue to laugh.

"How are you feeling now that you're officially moved out?" Yuta sweetly asks.

"Honestly, I feel happy and comfortable. I love being with you guys, and now that we all live together, it's going to be so fun. And I'm going to the same school as you all! Speaking of which, we should probably head to sleep... It's almost 12:30, and we have to wake up at 7 AM," you say, a hint of tiredness creeping into your tone.

"That's good, and we're happy you're with us too! Goodnight, Y/N," Yuta replies with a smile before hugging you and then heading towards the door.

"Finally, I can play Fortnite," Toge jokes before noticing you picking up a pillow.

"Y/N! I was kidding! I WAS KIDDING!" Toge exclaims, darting out of your room as you chase after him, pillow in hand.

The chase leads you both around the house. As you enter the kitchen, Toge quickly runs on one side of the counter, putting distance between you. Determined to catch him, you move to your left, but he mirrors your movements, keeping just out of reach.

With a mischievous glint in his eyes, Toge grins and taunts you from across the counter, knowing he's outmanoeuvred you for now. But you're not one to give up easily, and with a playful smirk, you prepare to outsmart him in this game. 

“Y/N IM SORRY! I SAID I WAS KIDDING PLEASE SPARE MY LIFE!!!! I BEGGGG” he yells out. 

“NOT UNTIL YOU APOLOGIZED AND SAY IM YOUR BEST FRIEND AND YOU LOVE ME.” you yell back teasing him. 

“NO NEVER!” he runs past you and you chase him back up the stairs but you corner him before he could get to his room.

“IM SO SORRY QUEEN Y/N MY BESTEST OF BEST FRIEND I LOVE YOU SO SO MUCH!” he says in fear. 

“Love you too bestie!! goodnight!” You smile innocently and make your way to your room.

“she's fucking crazy....” he mumbled to himself as he gets back up.

“mmm? what was that?” you say turning back towards him. 

“Uhh... N-NOTHING!!! HAHA… NOTHING AT ALL” With a nervous chuckle, Toge swiftly opens the door to his room, slipping inside and securing the lock behind him.

Maki, witnessing the entire exchange, approaches you with a smile to say goodnight. But before she leaves, she asks about Megumi.

Your surprise is evident, but you can't bring yourself to lie to your best friend. 

"It's... kinda bad right now. We're not really talking," you admit.

"What? What the hell happened?" Maki responds, shocked.

"He saw my ex at my house today. He was only there to grab his stuff, but then Megumi showed up around the same time, and my ex lied to him... I didn't know he was there until it was too late," you explain with a sigh.

"Why didn't you just call him and explain?" Maki inquires.

"I tried, but he didn't answer at all. I even texted him to meet me at the park across from his house at 7 PM to explain everything, and if he didn't show up, I'd just assume he didn't want to be friends anymore or have any type of relationship."

"And...?" Maki prompts, sensing your hesitation.

"He didn't show up," you admit, feeling your heart drop.

"What the hell? Why wouldn't he show up? That guy is literally obsessed with you," Maki says, clearly bewildered.

"Stop..." you respond, feeling annoyed.

"Stop what?" Maki asks, confused.

"Stop saying shit that isn't true, you really don't need to lie about that." you say, your frustration bubbling up.

"What do you mean?! I've known Megumi since he was a kid, y/n.. He's never been like this, not once with a girl before. Every girl that's ever tried talking to him, he wouldn't even notice or care to at least. He puts no effort in at all. Why do you think when we saw him with you on the couch together, we were extremely shocked. He barely gets near a girl, so the fact that he let you lean on him AND hold your hand shows that he likes you. Like, a lot," Maki explains, her words hitting you hard.

"We're just friends... that's all. And it's normal," you respond weakly, trying to dismiss her observations.

"Maybe normal for you, but definitely not for Megumi. He barely talks to girls, let alone looks in their direction. Seriously, Y/N, you'd have to be blind or stupid to not see that he obviously has feelings for you," Maki concludes, her annoyance evident.

You fall silent, feeling conflicted by her words as she leaves you to ponder the truth of her observations.

"Goodnight, Maki," you respond, your tone tinged with a hint of annoyance. Despite her insistence, you can't shake the feeling that what she's telling you isn't entirely true, convinced that Megumi sees you only as a friend.

"Y/N—" Maki starts, but you cut her off, retreating back into your room and heading straight for bed. Without wasting a moment, Maki quickly pulls out her phone and sends a message to Nobara.

7AM

As your alarm blares, announcing the start of your first day at a new school, a rush of nerves and excitement courses through you. But, having your friends by your side brings a warm sense of familiarity that soothes the uncertainties of the day ahead.

Last night was rough. You couldn't sleep good as thoughts of Megumi consumed your mind, denying you any peace. Despite knowing it's time to move forward, his memory persists, a constant companion in your thoughts. It's tough to shake off the memory of someone who felt so right, even when things didn't quite align.

The second alarm that goes off snaps you out of your thoughts, prompting you to get moving. With a sigh, you drag yourself out of bed and start getting ready for the day.

Arriving at the school, you feel a mix of excitement and anxiety as you head to the office to pick up your schedule. Despite the last-minute transfer, you're relieved that they've welcomed you, easing some of the nerves about starting anew.

You rush up the stairs of the school, the realization that you're running late sets in. Panic starts to rise as you frantically search for your classroom, the maze-like layout of the school making it difficult to navigate.

"Where the hell is this stupid class?" you mutter under your breath, frustration mounting with each passing second.

With your mind solely focused on finding your class, you fail to notice the person standing directly in your path. Before you can react, you run right into them, the impact jolting you back to reality.

Stumbling backward, he reaches out to steady you, his hands gently settling on your waist, you look up to apologize, only to freeze in shock as you lock eyes with the person before you.

"Megumi?" you blurt out, unable to hide your surprise as you take in his familiar features and all-black attire.

His expression remains impassive at first, but as his gaze meets yours, recognition flashes in his eyes.

"Y/n…?"

omg omg omg omg omg

finally finished this part... took longer than expected... sorry for the long wait

i rly appreciate ur guys patience <3

this part was kindaaa boring but i promise next one will get more interesting teehee

TAGLIST <3

@lavender-hvze @xbarrjallenx @atinymonbebestay @1l-ynn @chilichopsticks @dr-fluff-meow @lost-resonance @maya-maya-56 @ichorstainedskin @luciiferslover @madaqueue @vanitywoo

[tinyfishtits]

You Are Redeemed

Micah Bell / Female Reader

Summary: Reader convinces Micah to join her on a job robbing a homestead. Things do not go as planned... Rating: Mature; Graphic Depictions of Violence Word Count: 5,339 Tags: Light Angst, First Kiss

Authors Note: Contains minor spoilers for a special encounter in the game, if you care about that. This was SO FUN to write, hope ya'll ike it. ★ Read on AO3 ★ ☆ Masterlist ☆

I sat on the outskirts of camp, watching as the sun slowly sank behind the mountains, painting the landscape in shades of pink and lavender. Though my peace was short lived as someone walked toward where I rested on the cliff's edge. I didn’t need to look up to know who it was. 

“Dutch’s bitch returns.” I said, taking a hit of my cig as Micahs heavy steps neared. “Shut up and give me one of those.” He demanded, taking a seat next to me. I pulled the pack from my pocket and chucked it into his lap. 

“What, would you prefer the prodigal son? ” He just grunted in response and lit his cigarette. “Well aren’t you in a good ole’ mood.” I murmured under my breath. 

“You wanna talk, sweetheart?” He drew a long puff and sank back onto his elbows, waving a dismissive hand at me “Go ahead.”

I crinkled my nose at the pet name. Flinging the butt of my cigarette off the cliff side and lighting another, I asked “Whatchu doin’ tomorrow?” He raised an eyebrow, glancing sidelong at me, “No .” Was all he said. 

“You don’t even know what I’m about t-” 

“Find somebody else.” His voice was flat and words final, “Camps full of idiots, I'm sure one of ‘em will go on whatever fools errand you got this time.” 

“You’re not even the least bit curious?” 

“ No .” He said, tone already laced in annoyance. I went quiet for a moment, thinking of a way to entice him. 

“I’d split the take with you, fifty fifty.” 

“ God woman! I’m not even back an hour and you’re already trying to get me killed?” 

“Fine.” I spat back at him, “ I’ll just do it myself… Asshole.” I got up and stormed off back to camp, Micah's half hearted yell of my name his only response. I wasn’t sure the job could even be done alone, but to hell if I was gonna grovel with him over it. His ego was big enough. 

I was already kicking myself for being so soft by the time I reached my tent. I knew we weren’t friends or nothin’... But I’d been planning this robbery all month, waiting for him to show his face at camp to tell him about it and he just couldn't have cared less. I didn’t want to admit how much it hurt, how much I stupidly yearned for that asshole's praise.

It wasn’t until late next morning that Micah appeared beside me as I readied my horse for the ride. “Where do you think you’re goin’?” He drawled, leaning against the hitching post as I mounted my horse. 

“Don’t you got better things to do than babysit me?” I hissed, “Like sittin’ on your ass all day?” My voice still heavy with venom from our encounter last night. 

I knew I really had no reason to be so mad, I had put us both in danger on jobs before. But so had he! For every job that went bad from my lack of experience, he completely blew out of proportion with his lack of self control. And it’d been months since our last robbery, I’d improved a lot since, not that he was around or cared to notice.

“Hey now,” he lifted his hands in surrender, “I come with a peace offering.” I just rolled my eyes. “Give me your hand.�� 

“What? No-” I started but he interjected, “Stop bein’ stubborn and give it here!” He yanked my hand from the horn of my saddle and placed a long leather sheath into it. 

“A knife?” I whispered, turning it over in my hand. Unsheathing it I almost gasped. The black blade was decorated with the most intricate engraving of flowers and herons and inlaid with what looked to be gold. 

“Why…?” Was all I could muster in response. 

“Before you go gettin’ all sentimental, I stole it off someone while robbing a stagecoach a few days ago. Thought maybe you could use one.”

“But it's-” Beautiful, expensive, worth more than my rifle… “don’t you wanna sell it?” 

“Well if you don’t like it give it back and I will.” His temper shot up a bit. I knew he wasn’t used to gifting people things, and hell, I wasn’t used to receiving them. 

“Thank you.” I said finally, “I like it.” 

“Okay then.” He grunted as he turned away and mounted Baylock. “Now, you gonna tell me about this job or what?” 

I tried to hide my surprise and relief at his sudden willingness to accompany me on a job he knew nothing about. I truly had been preparing myself for the worst case scenario of going at it alone. Not wanting to delude myself into thinking that his change of heart could be at all for my sake, I shook the thought from my mind and the building blush from my cheeks. He was just in it for the money… I had promised him half the take in my desperation, after all. 

“You spend much time out in Lemoyne?” I started, catching up with him as we trotted down the path out of camp. He nodded. “Some.”

“Well there’s a farm out there with this couple, been runnin’ a shine business out their house. Figure they got a good stash somewhere in there.”

“You figure? ” The skepticism in his tone made my brow furrow. He’d done more for less. Why he was so intent on giving me a hard time over the others in camp, I had no idea. 

“Well if there aint a lot of cash, we could always steal the shine. I figure that's a pretty safe bet.” 

He just hummed in acknowledgement. For Micah, any response not laced in mockery was a good one. “What do you want me to do?” He asked. 

“The couple, well… They’re kinda odd.” I started, trying to piece together the best way to pitch my idea. Micah just raised a brow at me, waiting for the rest of the story. “Bill and Arthur both had run-ins with them. Said they gave ‘em a bad feeling. Seems they um… like invitin’ men in for dinner.” 

“Well if they scared big ole Bill and Morgan they must be terrifying.” His words dripped with sarcasm. Hook, line, sinker. All it took for Micah to be in on a job was the chance to prove himself more capable than his fellow gang members, especially Arthur. 

“So you’ll do it?” I prodded, “Distract them, I mean. While I loot the house?”  “Sure sweetheart. If you ask nicely.” 

It took every last bit of self control not to spit back at him. “ Please” I forced out through gritted teeth. He shot me a cocky smirk. “And don’t go shootin’ the place up neither. I’d like to do this clean and quiet for once.” I added. 

“You got it boss.” He joked, but the smugness sank a bit from his expression. Always the trigger happy gunslinger. 

Our ride through the Heartlands was quiet, neither of us being too keen on small talk. The weather over head was nice, cloudy but still warm and dry. That was more than I could say for what we were headed toward. A nasty lookin’ grey sky loomed in the distance.

By the time we reached Emerald Ranch it was pouring. I cursed myself for not bringing a jacket, my simple cotton button up was soaked after just a minute in the downpour. I wrapped myself up in the blanket I had stored on my saddle in an attempt to ward off the chill the storm brought with it, much to Micahs amusement. 

He let out a howl of laughter, “You look like a washed up Nun! Should I start callin’ you sister?” 

“Shutup!” I replied, having to yell over the noise of pounding rain and cracking thunder, “Take a right here, we’re almost there.” 

The foliage grew denser the closer we got, an eerie feeling lingering in the darkness of the forest stretched out before us. I pushed it back, trying to clear my brain for the job ahead. I’d never been good with storms, that deep-seated childhood fear of thunder and lightning never having left me. It’ll help cover any noise you make, I tried to convince myself, wash away any tracks if things go sour and they come lookin’ for you .  

Pulling off the road just shy of the path that rounded up the hill to the homestead, I hitched my horse and waved Micah over. “I’ll go on foot from here. Once you’re inside I’ll start lookin’.” He nodded, the water collecting on his hat cascaded off with every slight movement, I could barely make out his face through the mini waterfall it created. 

“Alright.” He drawled, nudging Baylock up the path. His dark, leather-cloaked form shimmered with water even in the darkness below the tree’s dense canopy, and then he was gone. 

I abandoned my makeshift cloak and trudged up the muddy hillside, Micah’s knife and my revolver the only weapons on my hip. By the time the house was visible through the trees, Micah was hitching Baylock and talking to someone on the porch. The closer I got to the treeline I could make out the forms in the darkness. A large man dressed in overalls was waving Micah in when someone else joined them on the porch. A woman by the looks of her large skirt. 

I made my way to the side of the house with a crudely built add-on, which was really saying something, the whole place seemed like it could collapse at any moment. The small shed had no windows, no light spilled out from the door, it was the safest bet for where they’d stash the shine. 

Running out from the cover of the trees I reached the shed door, fully expecting I’d have to break the lock. But when I got out my pick to start working on it the door creeped open from my touch alone. Either they were really stupid, or… The place was empty. My heart sank as I scanned the small room for anything of value, nothing. There were old shine brewing canisters in the corner but they looked like they hadn’t been used in a good decade. Fuck. I cursed myself, knowing Micah would never let me live this down. Though he would probably juice the story up just to rub it in Arthur's face. 

I was rummaging through a tool box for any hidden valuables when a large THUMP sounded on the other side of the wall. Sighing, I readied myself for the ribbing I was about to get and rounded the house to the back door. “I thought we agreed to keep this one quiet-” I started as I entered the house, fully expecting to see the bodies of the couple on the floor. But instead found Micah, strewn out lifelessly still in the middle of the room.

“Micah?” I breathed, shock freezing me in place at the sight of him so… helpless. 

“What do we have here honey pie?” A large man asked from across the room, looking my wet, trembling figure over with a sick kind of hunger. He was dressed in nothing but a wethered pair of overalls that could barely contain the skin spilling out from it. Seeing him up close set a new kind of fear coursing through me. He was so fucking big! There was no way I'd be able to fight my way out of this. 

The woman he talked to was crouching over Micah’s body, hands greedily rifling through his pockets. It was when she touched his revolver that the adrenaline finally hit me and before I could even process that I'd grabbed my own gun, I was emptying my cylinder into the man’s chest. Six shots later and the mountain of a man was still barreling toward me, a guttural roar ripping through the house. 

I stumbled back, practically falling out the door I’d come through as I tried to put as much distance between us as possible. Jumping over the stair railing I landed on a pile of chopped wood and saw it, an axe resting against the house. Gripping it just as the man came crashing out the back door, I pivoted on my heels, swinging the blade smack into the giant’s neck. 

He floundered forward, a grotesque gurgling erupting from his mouth as blood sputtered from the gash on his neck and he fell to his knees at the foot of the stairs. I just watched as the fight slowly faded from his huge, convulsing form and he sunk to the mud with one final twitch. Pulling the axe from his neck, I made my way back up the stairs, rage bubbling in my veins at whatever these sick sons of bitches were trying to pull. 

But all feeling drained out of me when I opened the door to the woman pointing Micahs revolver at his head. 

“Put the axe down.” She demanded, her tone disconcertingly calm until she spotted the blood. “Bray? Honey?” Her voice cracked, yelling for him again. “Bray!?”

“He’s dead.” Was all I said, my voice flat and lifeless, I could barely recognize it as my own. 

I could practically see the hysteria wash over her as she pointed the gun at me and started firing erratically, screaming at the top of her lungs. “YOU BITCH!” 

I rushed her, sprinting through the gunfire and knocking her to the ground, the gun thrown from her hand at the impact. She thrashed beneath me, her hands clawing at every part of me she could reach. “Stop!” I yelled back, grabbing her wrists and pushing them to the ground. Even restrained she was trying to buck me off of her, her legs kicking wildly behind me. “STOP!” I repeated. 

I didn’t want to kill her. But she was making mercy seem pretty damn distasteful the more she screamed and squirmed. “Where’s the money?” I demanded, my voice too breathless to sound as menacing as I’d hoped. She just spat in my face. Reflexively, I reached up to wipe the glob of mucus away and she took the opportunity to headbutt me. 

I fell back with a gasp and when I looked up, she was coming at me with a knife. I tried getting to my feet but she was too fast. She jumped on me, slashing at my extended arms as I screamed. Lifting the knife above her head for a final deathly blow, I used all my strength to push myself up and wrap myself around her. Tackling her back to the ground we writhed around, a blur of clawing, slashing and screaming as we wrestled for the knife. 

She dug a finger into one of the fresh slashes on my arm and I shot back like I'd been electrocuted. Rising to her feet, knife in hand, she screamed down at me, “YOU’RE GONNA PAY FOR-” I lunged at her, the hunting knife Micah had gifted me unsheathed, and drove it into her abdomen. Her scream sputtered off into incoherent murmurings as she fell to her knees, my blade still inside her. 

“Tell me.” I pleaded between panting breaths, “Where’s the money?” Her wide eyes met mine, glossy but still so full of that manic rage. “Momma?” She whispered, her hands grasping at my forearms as she tried to stay upright. And then, with a single rasping breath, she collapsed at my feet with one last soft cry for her mother. 

Hot tears streamed down my cheeks as I stood frozen, bloodied blade still stretched out before me. “Micah?” I called out, my voice barely a whisper. But the house stayed eerily silent. I fell to the floor beside him and frantically shook at his limp body. Nothing. “MICAH!” I yelled, taking his face in my hands and lowering my ear to his mouth, then his heart. I couldn’t tell if it was my own heart pounding in my ears or if he truly was alive, but for the moment it was enough to kick my scattered brain into action. 

Grabbing him by the ankles I started to drag his body toward the front door. The blood from the slashes on my arm dripped down, coating my hands in sticky warmth as I struggled to keep my grip on the slick leather of his boots. “ Jesus,” I grunted, almost falling to my ass as I lost my grip on him, “You’re heavier than you look.” I mumbled. It was a jeer that would usually prompt one of his snarky remarks, making the silence that followed even more unsettling. 

Making it to the door, I swung it open and whistled for Baylock. “Come here boy.” He huffed and reared as I dragged Micah out on the porch and tried maneuvering him more carefully down the steps. “Shhh.” I hushed as I reached out to comfort the horse, obviously just as distressed at the sight of Micah passed out as I was. “Hush now, I need you to help me out here.” I said, stroking his mane and guiding him to lay down so I could get Micah in the saddle. 

It took a lot of coaxing both of Baylock and my own strength, to get Micah and all his dead weight in that saddle. But after a few sweaty, breathless minutes, it was done. With Micah securely slumped on the saddle I rushed back in the house to grab his revolver, and that's when I saw it. 

In the chaos of it all I hadn’t stopped to really look around the house. It was just as dilapidated as the exterior, dirty and sparse. Though the one thing that really stood out was the large portrait of a woman right across from the front door, the only decoration in the whole house. “What are the chances…” I muttered to myself, reaching for the painting. 

Concealed behind it was a hole in the wall filled with cash. A laugh of pure disbelief burst out of me as I took in the wads of bills and gold bars. Quickly fetching Micahs satchel I stuffed it full of the loot, all the while sobbing and laughing like a maniac at the pure absurdity of the whole thing. 

Not wanting to linger in the house of horrors longer than need be, I quickly retrieved Micah's stolen possessions from the woman's corpse and got the hell out of there. Getting behind Micah on the saddle I held him with one arm and took the reins in the other, guiding Baylock down to where my horse still waited patiently at the end of the path. 

“Come on girl, follow me.” I yelled to her. Her head shot up from where she grazed and she obediently trotted to my side as I led us away from the homestead. The downpour had mercifully subsided to a drizzle, though the land would be a mud pit for a good day at least. I considered riding all the way back to camp, but I wasn’t in good shape myself. There was no way I'd be able to hold Micah and keep myself upright for the cross-state trek back to Horseshoe Overlook. 

With all the cash I had now, I debated going into Rhodes and getting a room. Though Micah’s unconscious state was sure to attract more questions than I cared to invite, especially with all the money I had on me. So I settled for a short jaunt up the road toward Emerald Ranch, leading the horses off the path a bit until I found a clearing suitable for a small make-shift camp. 

I hadn’t anticipated being away from camp more than a few hours, but it seemed Micah always kept enough supplies on him to get him through the night if need be, so I began to set things up. Laying his bedroll out, I tried easing Micah off the saddle, only to have him crash into me and pin me in the mud. I coughed, rasping for breath as I tried wriggling out from beneath him. It was like being stuck under a cow, the man was deceptively dense. 

I pushed at his shoulder, my arms burning with the strain, the wounds that had just started scabbing popping open and bleeding once more. After a few agonizing minutes I managed to roll him off of me enough to get myself free. We were both caked in mud from the fall, Micah's golden hair so dirty it was almost black now. 

Everything else was easy, mindless work in comparison to the day i’d had. Building a fire, setting up the tent, cracking open a can of food for dinner. Hopeful he’d wake up before nightfall, I’d cooked him a can of beans as well… and when he didn’t, I scarfed those down too. I was exhausted. Every inch of my body was in some kind of pain. Slashed, bruised, sore. I tended to the knife wounds on my arms the best I could, nabbing a bit of a health cure Micah had in his satchel to fight off infection. And now I just, waited. 

Crouching beside Micah in the tent, I carefully removed his jacket and shirt. I had no idea what they did to knock him out so heavily, but I wanted to at least make sure he hadn’t been stabbed or shot. Running my hands through his hair, I felt no bumps or blood, so I ruled out concussion. His chest, stomach, and what I could reach of his back was also unscathed. If I didn’t know any better I’d say he was just sleeping. His chest rose and fell with slow, even breaths. His eyes even fluttered beneath his lashes every so often, like he was dreaming. Not knowing what more there was to do I just began washing the mud off him with my still soaked blanket, and prayed to god he wouldn’t choose this moment to wake up, he’d call me a bath maid for the rest of my goddamn life. 

Once he was clean and my blanket sufficiently muddied, I threw it out of the tent and sank back on the bedroll beside him. Micah, being the human furnace he was, didn’t travel with a blanket of his own. And even though we were in the bayou, the storm had brought with it a ferocious wind that made the night painfully chill. Drifting off, I found myself edging closer and closer to Micah’s warm body, until halfway through the night I was completely wrapped around him. He still did not stir, and I figured I’d much rather take whatever possible teasing this would get me if he woke up now than shiver to death a few feet away. 

Cuddled up to Micahs side, I fell into the most blissful sleep I’d had in years. I did not stir for the rest of the night, only beginning to wake when the sun shone down through the tree canopy and the chorus of birds and bugs filled the forest with their music. “Mornin’” a soft, gravely voice vibrated under my ear. 

“Morning.” I yawned, my head still in a sleepy haze as I stretched and came to. A deep rumbling vibrated once more beneath me and I shot up. Micah's chuckles turned to shallow coughs as he gazed up at me, a smug smile on his lips. “You’re awake!” I practically yelled, throwing my arms around him. “Thank god you’re not dead” I mumbled into his bare chest, “you scared the shit out of me!”

“You sure I ain't dead darlin’?” He drawled, wrapping a large arm around my back, keeping me pressed against him. “Never thought in all my life I’d hear someone thank god I was alive.” 

“What happened back there? The hell did they do to you?” I stretched my neck to look up at him, making no effort to leave his warmth just yet. 

“They drugged me. Put somethin’ in the damn whiskey.” He looked around then, sitting up a bit to inspect the camp I put together. “How’d you get me outta there?” 

“Well it wasn’t easy.” I said, finally unraveling myself from him and getting up propper. “You weigh twice as much as you look, I swear. It was like lugging around a ton of bricks.” 

“Where you goin’?” He said with a smile, patting the space beside him I’d just occupied. “Come back here.” 

“What? No- I- I’m gonna go get some food.” 

“So you gonna act like you didn’t just spend all night wrapped around me?” The smug smile on his lips grew. When I didn’t move, he got up with a groan and walked toward me. Only stopping when he stood just a breath away.

“I’m only gonna say this once…” He said, his voice surprisingly soft for what his words implied. Slowly, he leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead. “Thank you.” His breath brushed over my face, warm and inviting, “For saving my life.” 

Despite how much of a cocky, slimy asshole he could be. How more often than not I wanted to throttle him… I found myself leaning in, my hand coming up to caress the scar that ran from his lip down his chin. His eyes followed my movement, then in a flash he grabbed my wrist, lifting my arm to inspect the blood soaked cloth there. 

“What happened?” He demanded, his brow furrowing as he noticed the bandages wrapped around my other arm as well.

“I- Um. Got stabbed… a little.” His touch was delicate as he carefully peeled back the cloth to expose the jagged red slashes that peppered my forearm. His face crinkled in anger. 

“I’ll kill those crazy bastards-” He started, but I interjected. “They’re dead.” His eyes widened, looking me over more thoroughly now.

“Even the-”

“Dead.” I said once more, my voice flat as I tried not to remember their bloodied corpses. He squinted, cocking his head as he observed me. Looking me over as if he was seeing something in me he hadn’t noticed before. 

“Okay.” Was all he replied before he turned toward the horses, “Come on.” 

“Where are you-” 

“ We’re going into town. You’re gonna see a doctor. Now mount up.” When I dug my heels in the ground he sighed, already exasperated, “I may weigh a ton, doll. But by the looks of it, you don’t. So unless you want me to pick you up and throw you on the back of this saddle-”

“ Fine.” I muttered, walking over and mounting my horse. “Oh, Micah?” He hummed in acknowledgment. “You might wanna look in your satchel.” 

“ Shit.” He muttered, pulling out one of the gold bars, “All this for shine? ” 

“There was no shine.” I said, starting off down the path, “My guess is those sick sons of bitches were druggin’ folk and robbin ‘em blind.” Micah fell silent. 

“Anyway… Bet you twenty bucks I can beat you to Rhodes.” And before he could reply I kicked my horse into action and raced down the road. The only response I could hear from him was a holler as he reared Baylock and chased after me. 

We raced along the Kamassa River, Micah on my tail the entire time. I knew he was a better rider than me, but he didn’t bother overtaking me until the town came into view. Then, like the cocky ass he was, he stopped Baylock completely. Giving me a good 30 seconds head start before he jolted into a gallop and flew past me just before I reached the fork in the road that led to Rhodes. By the time I got to the main street in town, Micah was already sitting outside the doctor's office.

“Twenty bucks, was it?” He said with a sly smirk as I hitched my horse. I just rolled my eyes, “Put it on my tab, cowboy.” 

“Hey.” He grabbed my wrist as I went to open the office door, “You still got that knife I gave ya?” 

I nodded, reaching for the leather sheath on my hip. “Can I borrow it?” My brow crinkled. 

“Don’t you gotta knife?” He just stared at me, his hand still gripping my wrist. I sighed and handed it over. 

“I’ll be out here. Go get patched up doll.” He said, sitting on the bench beside the door. 

The doctor was an old, greying man whose voice was so gravely from decades of smoking it made Micahs sound like velvet in comparison. “Someone did a real number on you.” He croaked, his cold hands poking and prodding at my tender flesh as he rubbed my wounds with disinfectant and some kind of numbing cream. 

It took about half an hour for him to stitch up the worst of my gashes, and wrap up the rest. By the time he was done I was covered in bandages from wrist to elbow on each arm, it looked a whole lot worse than it felt. Paying him for his time and grabbing a few bottles of tonic on my way out, I found Micah just as I’d left him. 

“Good as new.” I announced, and Micah practically jumped out of his seat. He looked me over, his brows knitting as his eyes scanned the large bandages. Without a word, he patted the space beside him and I joined him on the bench. Taking one bandaged arm in his hand, he gingerly turned it around, inspecting it. Then placed my blade in my open palm. 

I turned it over in my hand and found something carved into the wooden handle. Bringing it closer to my face, I squinted at the small lettering. You are redeemed. It read. I whispered the words, running a finger over the indentations in the wood. A reminder of the price paid and the bounty won, life. ‘Thank you for saving my life.’ his words echoed in my head. 

I had the feeling Micah would no longer shrug off my jobs, that what I sacrificed to save us made me an equal in his eyes. Given the lone wolf he was… well, it meant a lot. I didn’t know what to say to that. The words thank you didn’t seem to hold the same weight any more. Micah stood then, holding a hand out to me. 

“Breakfast?” He asked, jerking his head toward the saloon behind him. I sheathed the knife and took his hand. Pulling me up against him, we stood chest to chest in silence, eyes caught in each other's gazes. 

My hands trailed up his arms, stopping at the scruffy hair on his face to run my fingers through it. His eyes dropped to my lips, and that was all the confirmation I needed to pull his face down to mine. His arms wrapped around my waist, holding me taut against him as his lips took mine. 

He was surprisingly tender, the big gruff outlaw. His lips softly parting my own, tongue ever so slightly trailing over my bottom lip as our mouths moved together, as if this was our thousandth kiss and not our first. Our breath grew heavy, melding the longer we stayed pressed together. My hands tangled in his hair as the kiss deepened, keeping him close. It wasn’t until his warm hand snaked under the hem of my shirt that someone cleared their throat beside us and I broke away from him, realizing we were still in the middle of town in broad daylight. 

“Mornin’.” An older woman said curtly as she stepped around us to enter the doctors office. 

“Mornin’” Micah drawled, tipping his hat to her as she passed. He flashed her a large, genuine smile and turned back to me, face alight. “Hungry, are ya?” His tone only slightly teasing, the same hunger burning in his eyes. 

I took his hand, my own stupid smile growing on my face. “ Starved. ”

[loser-brain]

Did you know if you go into your settings -> go to Dashboard -> and flip the switch to show timestamps, you can see the date of the post?

I'm bringing this up because an old post from February 2022 of mine about the Earn It Act bill was getting popular again. Apparently, the Bill came back again in April 2023 (It's still getting decided by the House Judiciary Committee).

Lindsey Graham will keep reintroducing this bill. He already has plans on reintroducing it in 2024.

Here is a Wiki Page on the Earn It Act bill in case you have no idea what it is

But to summarize what the Earn It Act bill is. It's disguised as a bill to "protect the children." When in reality it's a bill to have more monitoring and control. Especially to groups such as LGBTQ+, Sex Workers, and Protesters.

The Bill also wants to include a "Backdoor."

A Backdoor is something that even Homeland Security is highly against. It's for "easier" access to your internet system such as your device.

The reason Homeland Security is so against this idea is because it's like having a firewall that is supposed to protect you from the outside, keeping all the stuff that could cause us harm out... only to have a backdoor with a welcome mat attached to it. So like, what is the point of having a firewall protection if you are just going to install a door that is easy for anyone to come and go as they, please.

Here is the bill that will be active again in 2024 since it died in committee this year. Lindsey Graham will keep reintroducing this bill for who knows how long. So be prepared for it.

Edit: It did not die! That is my bad! I was very exhausted and didn't do my fourth reread on it. But tomorrow will be decision day and we will see if the bill died. If it did then we will have to be prepare when Lindsey Graham reintroduce it again in 2024.

Sign the No Earn It Act to tell your Senators now!!

Here is another place to find your Rep and tell them to Stop the Earn It Act!!

A short Article about the Earn It Act and when decision day will happen (Tomorrow May 4th, 2023)

Confirmation when decision day will happen

Spread it like wild fire!! WE CANNOT ALLOW OUR INTERNET BE TAKEN FROM US BY FREAKS HIDING BEHIND THE WORDS "PROTECTS THE CHILDREN" WHEN IN FACT THEY ARE ENDANGERING THEM BY TRYING TO MAKE THIS BILL PASS!!

[pleaseeeimjustagirl]

♡Weekly Chronicles♡

December 15,2023

Hey babes! This week was amazing I am so happy I have created this blog I love being a blogger. I've wanted to create one for yearssss but I never got the time to do it and didn't know what to base my blog on. I love seeing other girlies on the same journey of self-improvement<3.

♡Education♡

The semester is officially over for me on Saturday I am so excited I need this break because school in general can be so stressful and I need this time to relax and pour into myself more I'll probably be uploading here more frequently while on break. 

♡Mental♡ 

I started antidepressants a little over a month ago and have been loving my journey on them my mind is clearer and I don't feel that little gray cloud following me anymore. I am present and not constantly worrying about others and things that I can't control. This is my first time using medication to finally have control over my mental health. Other than that my mental health has been so good. If you deal with seasonal depression you got this girl it's tough. Trust me I get it I've dealt with seasonal depression and anxiety for years and my inbox is always open for a chat but I ask before you tell me your problems ask how I'm feeling in the moment <3

♡Physical♡

I have been super consistent with my diet! Eating clean and working out every day I have been lifting 3 times a week. I didn't get to lift today because I am currently at work while typing this lol but I will make up for it by lifting tomorrow. I am currently fasting trying to make up fasts from Ramadan before Ramadan comes around again in March and I'm not going to lieeee it has been helping me look extra snatched now! Like I woke up looking in the mirror like yesss but fasting has so many benefits besides keeping you snatched it helps a lot internally as well. I recently ordered some items for my gut health journey and it's at the post office so I'm going to pick it up tomorrow super excited! This is unrelated but last night I didn't want to get out of bed to do my nightly skincare routine but I forced myself to remember my goals so I'm proud of that.

♡Hobbies♡

I have been consistent with my Italian lessons on Duolingo which I highlyyyy recommend for anyone trying to learn a new language the way its set up is perfect for me with the colors and drawing it feels like a game to me lol. I haven't been reading like I was supposed to I think I only read 2 times this week that’s super baddd I need to stay on top of it. I have been blogging consistently and I love seeing you girlies reflagging and hearting my content it means a lot and I def need to do a Q&A I’ll drop one next week for sure. I want to invest in soap making as a new hobby for me it looks like so much fun! 

♡Plans For The Weekend♡

I have a trip coming up next week I'm going to Maryland for a convention with a couple of friends from the 23 to the 27. I am super excited it's going to be so much fun. So this weekend I'm getting a lot of things together. I have to look for a few of my outfits for my trip and I'm waiting for my shoes to come. Also, I have my final this Saturday and an appointment with my OBGYN ladies don’t forget to book appointments for your check-ups your inner health is super important please take care of yourselves!

This was this week's little journal entrieee not that much occurs in my life but I still love the little update I gave you ladiesss. Comment your plans this weekend and how did your week go?

[lifeinpoetry]

Hi! It's been a while so I wanted to check in. Everything okay?

Hi! 💜 I honestly don't know?

I relapsed with cutting a few days ago for the first time since maybe 2017 (?), had a breakdown of sorts, texted my main support at home for help, that I was going to kill myself before the government would put me in a position that there'd be no other option. The options were a suicide attempt or self-harm so I chose self-harm. I self-harm often but my only tools had been my nails and it was never done with any real plan/thought. It's often not too serious unless I zone out in the shower. So a relapse with tools and deliberation is kind of a blow but someone got a hold of my psych and she talked me through it.

These past few months just have been very difficult, some of the worst in over a decade. During the years of emotional/verbal abuse post-therapy I was okay, anxious, but not out of control but now that that seems to have gotten better for the long-term for the first time since I was a kid I've fallen apart. That's the only way I can explain it.

I'm going to have an echocardiogram done tomorrow to rule out any heart issues as a cause for the lightheadedness. I expect it to be fine but the GP wants to check and I appreciate that she does tests.

I need to queue up more stuff, just that zone I get into hasn't been happening though I've started being able to read poetry again and have a lot highlighted.

Thanks for asking! 💜

[cock-ainee]

Fortuitous pt. 1

Sanemi cosplayer x fem!reader

_____________________________

Word count: 1.5k

Notes: So, I'll be completely honest - I have no idea what i'm doing there and why. The idea just popped in my head - as something i'd like to do, haha - but then i thought of making a story out of it. So! I want to say - this is not a typical fanfiction with Sanemi, it's about reader with a cosplayer!

Enjoy!

Since her childhood years, YN has been always viewed as a normal, sweet, intelligent girl. Everybody, always, has been jealous of her knowledge, grades, judged her every move and pointed out smallest mistakes.

But yes, YN has always been a normal girl.

Going into her teenage years, she had plans - ambitions, big hopes for the future, aiming for college and a good middle school to get her ready info further life.

But when she actually got accepted into her new school, she didn't realise how much of a mistake it would actually be.

The first year was going quite well, nothing seemed to be foreshadowing the nightmare that her school days would become. But as YN's best friend - only true friend in class she had - changed schools. Gradually, YN has dropped her grades, and started closing up from others.

Going into second year, her life became an absolute nightmare. Scared of talking to people, teachers, ditching school, getting authorities over her head - it seemed like NOTHING was going well anymore.

Her cousin enraged her, also. She never had perfect relationship with her, but what made her most furious was their conversation weeks ago.

°°°

Why do you even want to switch schools?? With your attitude, you're always going to complain about anything. Everything's going to be the same whatever you do. <

YN gazed at the message, her mind flaring with anger.

The next messages her cousin sent were just self-centered yapping about how she struggled with her own work, her colleagues, her situation, her mood, her feelings - her, her, her, her. Not even once has she thought of YN's feelings. The fact she may not be in total control of the things going on in her life.

> Go fuck yourself

YN texted back, seething the same words trough her gritted teeth.

Since then, she understood that she doesn't want to have anything to do with that bitch.

°°°

YN was scrolling trough Instagram - once again ignoring the fact she should study - and noticed a quite pretty post. A cosplay of her favorite character.

Oh, right! Because there was an obsession YN had. It was Sanemi Shinazugawa - a character of her all time favorite anime.

- Fucking hot.. it would be lucky to have someone cosplay him for me.. -

She stared at the pic for a moment with a blank expression on her face. And then she blinked, because then it clicked.

Usually YN overthinked everything she did - but not this time. She texted the man without hesitation.

> I've got a deal for you???

And then she waited.

Regretted her decision.

Then waited, waited, waited.

It was agonizing, almost. The hope of the man texting back was slowly fading, replaced by a shame caused by her doing. She was so taken over by this revelation that she dreamed of it, until one day, finally, she woke up to a reply.

What kind of deal?? <

Oh now THAT was the moment for action.

Seeing he was active, she carefully chose a reply.

> I'll pay you to cosplay Sanemi for me

Oh now that's new. If you want a pic with me, i won't make you pay. I suppose you live nearby??? <

The girl's face heated up at his words. From embarrassment, but also because he would be willing to take a picture with her for free. But that wasn't what she wanted.

> No, i don't want a picture. I'll pay you, for pretending to be my boyfriend.

He read that. He's seen that.

Silence.

And do I get to be a lil touchy 😏 <

> I'll cut your salary in half

Worth it <

> Is that a yes??

Let's say so. Where do i meet you up, princess? <

> In front of my school tomorrow, 7.50. I'll send you the adress later

YN felt like she needed a cold shower to take that news. And so, she went to the bathroom and spend nearly an hour there, nearly dying from excitement.

Then it was time to tuck herself to bed, to the thoughts of having a.. new boyfriend???

°°°

The next day, YN was waiting for her "boyfriend" in front of the school. And just when she was about to give up to her anxiousness and get inside the building, somebody grabbed her by the hips and she was pulled against a firm chest.

- Hey, princess~! Not like i stalked your profile, but i did stalk your profile. You're looking even cuter in real life than those silly pictures -

- W-WHAT?!! -

YN was so startled, she almost pushed her elbow into the guy's face.

- Are you insane?? Stop attacking, immediately! -

Just in case not to get murdered, the guy let go of her and stepped aside.

And when YN looked up she was even more startled than before. The guy was towering above her, at least a head taller than her. His hair were white, and he had this makeup indicating those iconic scars on his face. He was wearing a simple white button up shirt - with a few top buttons left undone - and black pants that were tight around his waist.

- I-is that a wig..? -

The guy's face expression softened as a chuckle left his lips. She didn't miss the fact that he had purple contacts.

- Oh? No, i dyed them this way. -

He put a hand over her shoulder, bringing her a tiny bit closer to himself.

- You wanted me to be your boyfriend, why so silent now?? Do you not love me?? -

He pouted, enjoying the teasing. YN huffed, grabbing a fistful of his shirt and pulling him after her.

- Let's just get inside -

They didn't exchange a word while walking, but he changed their position, so that now their hands were entwined together.

As they walked down the hallway, some people who knew YN were eyeing her - and she, deep down, swelled with pride.

°°°

YN had to be honest. Having a man like that walking around with her for the whole day, like a puppy, was satisfying. Her lovely "Sanemi" was all smiley - a little out of character - and his acting skills were perfect. He had no problems with playing pretend, as if he and YN knew themselves for a longer time than just those few hours.

- Wait. What even is your name? -

YN spoke about that matter after the first lesson, when she realised she never asked him this - and there were no informations about it on his profile.

- Oh fuck, right, i never told you. I'm loosing my head here with you, see? -

He let our a chuckle and brushed a hand trough his white hair.

- My name's Aiden. But you can just call me Sanemi, you know. That's what i just am for you, right? -

YN raised her eyebrow questionably.

- You sound pretentious -

- Huh?? No offense. You're just oversensitive -

The girl didn't like his response at all, but decided to just wave it off.

For the rest of the day, she had a loyal puppet running around her like he was over the moon with her.

Maybe he was?

Or what's more possible, he just wanted to be worth the money.

What YN noticed, and wasn't against, was for sure, how touchy he was getting. Seems like his message wasn't just a joke and he really was taking the opportunity. Though they knew each other for like... Max 9 hours, YN didn't complain. It would probably be the only time a man would be touching her anyways.

After school, it was time to pay him off. Aiden got dragged out of the school by his "girlfriend" - while he talked with the friends he apparently made - and when YN made sure they were far enough from familiar people, stuck a bunch of bills into his hand.

- Isn't it too much? -

His purple contacts pierced trough her as his confused face expression almost made her giggle.

- I'm paying in advance -

Her explanation was fairly brief, but Aiden didn't comment it. The thing that surprised him was how she just chose to ignore him as she quickly walked down the street.

The girl jolted in surprise as she felt her hand being grabbed.

- Why are you running away from me? Let me just walk you home -

The white haired man spoke, taking YN's silence as an agreement. When they stood in the door to her house, he did so much as to lean down, kiss her cheek and smile before walking away with a little wave.

- See you tomorrow! -

YN was too stunned to answer to his words, as she stared at him before he disappeared around the corner.

°°°

When she laid in bed, the only thing she could think about were his hands over her, the WHOLE day. She knew she shouldn't, but she felt a tiny squeeze in her heart anytime she recalled how his hands would squeeze her waist or hold onto her own.

And so, even though he wasn't hers, it seemed that YN's "boyfriend" would be what pulls her out of the cage of her own misery.

[science-lings]

................... hi

Zelda observed her girlfriend, she could tell link has been overdoing it lately. She had been running all over hateno running other people's errands. Of course zelda knew it was all a facade, link probably had some sort of nightmare the past week and was trying to forget it.

However, this time was a bit different. Link had been putting off sleep, helping people with anything she could. It was taking a toll on her short figure slowly. Dark circles and sluggish movements. She was definitely hiding something.

Zelda had devised a plan, she waited till link got home that night and pretended to be asleep. She took a peek and saw that link was going downstairs, so she naturally crept down after her. Link was sitting at the table, resting her head in one of her hands. Zelda wrapped her arms around link, resting her head on her shoulders.

"You seem tired..... is everything alright?" Zelda asked, giving link a peck on the cheek.

Link gave an affirmative hum before giving zelda a quick kiss on the forehead.

Zelda went to push links bangs up and out of her face but a hand quickly grabbed hers and kept it from reaching her forehead.

"Link? What's wrong?"

Link shook her head, "nothing just a bit tired that's all."

Zelda didn't believe that for a second, she waved links hand off and felt her forehead.

"Um... I've gotta go to get some groceries for one of the store owners they wanted them done by tomorrow."

She began to get up but was stopped when she felt a hand grab her wrist.

"No you're not. Link, you should have told me. You are burning up and instead of asking for help you push yourself even further, why?"

"Zel, it's fine, you don't need to worry."

"If it was fine I wouldn't be worrying."

Link paused

"I can take care of my self okay, I don't need you making me your number one priority all the time."

Zelda was beginning to get frustrated and lost control of her tone a bit,

"Looks at you! You are working yourself so hard you are hurting yourself! Why won't you let me help you!"

"BECAUSE I SHOULD BE DEAD-" link clasped her mouth shut.

Zeldas breath hitched, she saw Link cower a bit.

She walked closer before giving link a tight embrace, "who told you that..."

Silence

"Never say that.... ever again."

She felt link tense up as she nodded.

Link was trying to hold back tears before she was scooped up and plopped in bed. A cool washcloth was being dabbed across her forehead.

"I'm sorry.... I'm just, not used to someone caring for me this much." Link said, looking and sounding utterly defeated.

"What do you mean?" Zelda said, placing her girlfriends head in her lap.

"As a knight.... the hero I wasn't allowed to be sick. I was already a girl and I wasn't supposed to show any weakness or else I'd be punished by my generals and.... "touched" by the soldiers my barrack. So I'm just... surprised you care this much."

"Oh link, of course I care, you're my girlfriend. I'm so sorry you were treated like that. You just need a break sometimes okay.... just, don't hurt yourself Please."

Link gave a small smile and nodded, earning her a small kiss.

Soon they had both succumbed to their own exhaustion, zelda holding Link in her arms.

im so sorry for taking so long to post this but AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

THEMMM

[porcupine-girl]

Full Text of Xiao Zhan GQ Interview via Apple Translate

I took @tdkeh's screenshots of the interview and ran them through Apple translate, results below.

COVER STORY Cover Story

The studio was by the Huangpu River in Shanghai. Xiao Zhan was wrapped in a black down jacket, took off his shoes, and sat cross-legged in the corner of the sofa. He looked very relaxed. The shooting came to an end for the time being. Although he had been working for more than 7 hours in a row, there was no trace of fatigue on his face.

This is a face that attracts attention all the time. A few months ago, the studio posted a group of Xiao Zhan's birthday blockbusters, and immediately sharp-eyed netizens found that the face had "rounded". In order to play the role of Guo Jing in the film "The Legend of the Condor Heroes: The Great" directed by Xu Ke, before entering the group, Xiao Zhan gained weight, his cheeks were no longer so thin, and his figure was obviously strong. In the photo, he had a hawthorn, showing a slight vicissitudes of life.

Strictly speaking, "The Legend of the Condor Heroes: The Great" is Xiao Zhan's second film. Guo Jing's role has many pearls and jade in the previous version. His

On the day of shooting the cover of Zhizu GQ, Xiao Zhan got up early and ran. He couldn't help thinking, "Oh, my God, I'm sweating so much that I'm going to lose muscle again, right?

He struggled with whether to continue or not, and finally decided to run for 30 minutes. When the time was up, he thought that his body fat began to consume after 30 minutes, and he ran for another 10 minutes.

Everything is for work." In fact, I don't want to run. Running will lose muscle, but I have to run to reduce the swelling. After the shooting, he planned to do weight training no matter how late it was. The actor's self-cultivation is ready to create an image for the character at any time, but he must strictly control his diet and manage his figure. Xiao Zhan regarded both as professional norms and asked for himself.

Before the meeting, I thought that Xiao Zhan would be very cautious about the interview. Surprisingly, Xiao Zhan had a rare sense of relaxation, answering questions, and even a little humorous. When he mentioned that the actor had to observe the characters in his life, he took the opportunity to comment on the sitting posture of several people present. When asked what happened after entering the industry, he didn't expect that his answer was that he could not eat what he wanted to eat like his high school classmates.

The interview lasted for nearly two hours. I was curious. In the past few years, Xiao Zhan has been under great attention. What kind of experience is it for him?

Xiao Zhan said that many times, he has forgotten this matter and has not caused him much trouble in his life. The most "cruel" thing may be that "you can't eat freely."

"I still sneak out to ride a bike, take a walk, and CityWalk. Only once, I just walked in the alley for 5 minutes and was recognized. I also went to the cinema and watched movies. No one will care about you, really. After leaving the Internet, many things will be solved. Sometimes the world is in front of us. This is a misunderstanding, but we can't avoid this misunderstanding, so there is nothing we can do.

He has a lot of things he wants to do, such as squeezing the subway and shopping malls. "I will really squeeze the subway. Maybe tomorrow, it's too normal. I used to take the subway every day." For Xiao Zhan, this is his real life. The voice of social media no longer bothers him. "It's been so many years, and I'm still troubled. Do I still live?

(Laughter) It's really okay."

At this stage, Xiao Zhan is very satisfied with his life. "I have a job, my own life, and an audience who likes me. There is nothing to be dissatisfied with."

To some extent, Xiao Zhan's sense of relaxation comes from a clearer and clearer goal. The voice of the outside world no longer bothers him. He knows what he wants and what he doesn't want. Now, he is doing more subtraction for himself. In the past two years, he has rarely been in variety shows, taking the profession of actor as the most important goal at present.

In 2023, three film and television dramas starring Xiao Zhan will be broadcast, and each role is a challenge for Xiao Zhan. In the interview, Xiao Zhan said that he was "under a lot of pressure" many times, and he would say so when reviewing almost every stage. But his tone is brisk, without the heavy feeling of complaining, and more like an after-mort analysis and summary. The reasons are often specific and objective: the first time he came into contact with no physical performance, the first time he took the lead alone, and the first time he acted in modern drama…

"The Sea in the Dream" is a script that Xiao Zhan especially likes. He likes the stories of that generation very much. When he was a child, he watched some film and television dramas, Days Related to Youth, Happiness Like Flowers. When it comes to the 1970s and 1980s, he felt that the sun was shining and colorful. Many people say that Xiao Chunsheng is perfect, but in Xiao Zhan's opinion, this is exactly his biggest problem. He thinks this character is very interesting and wants to try it. Xiao Chunsheng is a young man from Beijing. How to perform the momentum of the character and speak authentic Beijing dialect is a big challenge for Xiao Zhan, who has lived in Chongqing since he was a child.

The shadow character in "Yugu Yao" is cold, because he didn't want to live up to everyone's expectations for his ancient costume modeling. Before entering the group, Xiao Zhan tried his best to lose weight. Yugu Yao is the script obtained in 2020. In the range I can choose, this is the most complete and emotional script of the characters, and it is very logical and self-consistent, which is my best choice.

"The Hot Sun with Me" is the script that Xiao Zhan has been in contact with for the longest time. Since the end of 2019, Sheng Yang in "The Hot Sun with Me" has highly coincided with Xiao Zhan's career before his debut, but he has to move his life as a designer to the front of the screen in a natural and convincing way. He is not sure about "modern drama, life The play is really a strange field. At first, he was too eager to finish the words and memorized them well. When he said it, it would make people feel that no one would talk like this in life. Later, he found that the lines in modern dramas were broken and which words were put in stress. The logic was actually very strong.

In the past few years, he has played soldiers, doctors, designers, and Beijing youth. "There is no special consideration, it's all natural." He rarely plays repetitive roles. However, when choosing the script, Xiao Zhan will not deliberately avoid the themes he has played before, but just put himself from the perspective of the audience to feel whether he can be moved by it.

In 2021, Xiao Zhan starred in the drama "Dream Like a Dream" and played the role of Patient No. 5. On the day of the premiere, many topics related to the play appeared on Weibo hot search.

Brown vests and trousers are all Gucci.

COVER STORY Cover Story

Starring in Dreamlike Dreams, Xiao Zhan hesitated for a long time. There are many reasons for hesitation: he is from Chongqing. He is a non-professional. He can't play NG for 8 hours. Dream Like a Dream is also very famous. There are many classic versions of the role of Patient No. 5. But after reading the script, Xiao Zhan felt that he must act.

Drama is a very pure thing. Dozens of people or even hundreds of people gathered in one space to tell a story. This is an impossible experience of filming and television dramas. Xiao Zhan yearns for it. He began to recite his lines crazily and locked himself in Tangshan and rehearsed with the whole crew for more than a month, one after another.

"I was very nervous in the first performance, and now I'm very nervous when I think about it. Gu Xianglan rang the bell, and I was excited." The moment the light hit his body, Xiao Zhan felt that everything was still. He could not see the expression of the audience, and there was only white in front of him.

Xiao Zhan adjusted his breath and began to speak his lines. The director said that the opening actor grasped the rhythm of the whole story, so every time he said that line, it was the most nervous time for Xiao Zhan. As he spoke, he would slowly forget to be nervous. After saying that, he breathed a sigh of relief and thought, ah, it's finally over.

Once, at the end of the first half, patient No. 5 took a picture and an address and went to the stage to find Gu Xianglan, with a large monologue. Walking to the middle of the stage, Xiao Zhan suddenly broke up. He couldn't remember the beginning of the next word. After hesitating for about 1.5 seconds, he chose to skip the word and continue. The audience should not be able to see it, he thought. He didn't remember the word until the end of the performance.

"I can't remember when I get to the lounge. I looked through the script and found that it was this word."

"A very common word, for example, drinking pure water, I'm thinking about what kind of water to drink? Distilled water? Tap water? Boiled water? I just can't remember. Be like

Performance is a very deep knowledge. Xiao Zhan said, "At present, I just touched a little fur." When shooting "The Hot Sun with Me", the actors were all experienced actors. In terms of acting skills, Xiao Zhan was still very young. If he tried too hard, it was easy to leave traces. He told himself to "design less", feel everything the other party threw to him, and reacted honestly.

Xiao Zhan once expressed that due to his life experience, many characters have difficulties in understanding. He discussed this issue with his predecessors, "Everyone also has two statements. Some people say that of course you have to experience it. If you don't have experience, you don't have a picture. How can you play it? What you play is fake. There is also a voice saying that everything can be solved by technology.

Xiao Zhan's own answer is "play more, get in touch with all types" and "work with more good teams, actors and directors".

"To be honest, what I can do now can only be touched by my mind. It's a little difficult for me to play things that have no concept at all. Maybe in the future, I will solve my confusion through a work or cooperation with more good directors and actors. I look forward to this day coming soon.

03 Broken away

Relaxation is Xiao Zhan's side. He can balance part of the pressure, but some of it is difficult for him to resolve. Xiao Zhan didn't sleep very well. "It's hard for me to fall asleep, and

I often dream of filming on the spot, but I can't shoot well.

When I go to different cities, Xiao Zhan will bring the same pillow and quilt. "I will bring everything that can make me sleep well." He also tried Yanyan lamp, lavender essential oil, all kinds of medicine that will fall asleep on his body, spray on the pillow that will fall asleep, melatonin, meditation music, and finally found that what could make him sleep well were eye masks, earplugs and no mobile phones. "Because I know that if I see it, then don't sleep, just get up."

Not long ago, Xiao Zhan found an old book "Duan She Li" at home. When I was a designer, the boss of the company recommended it to him. The concept of life sorting in the book made Xiao Zhan rethink what he wanted and what he should give up.

There is a special aspect of Xiao Zhan's personality. "If I insist on something, I think it's right, and it's hard to be convinced." For example, he decided to be an actor. He didn't want to do anything other than an actor. "If you force me, then let's argue. No one is right or wrong, and the team is also for your good. Isn't it a good thing to have a lot of work? But for me, I have to do subtraction, because some things are really not what I want.

Xiao Zhan's milk elimination experience began to be the next "Da Neng Tea Human Resources Forbidden Mother's Happy; Salvation. At the age of 24, he participated in the show and started to dance as a male group.

He made his debut, acted in online dramas, and played a supporting role in cinema movies. Until the fire in 2019, Xiao Zhan also became a high-profile star.

If you decide to do something, you should do your best. This is Xiao Zhan's education since he was a child. When he went to junior high school, his family bought him a mobile phone. At the beginning of text messages, he often replaced punctuation with spaces, and his father said to him very harshly, "What about punctuation? Why is there no period at the end of the sentence?" From that time on, Xiao Zhan was very concerned about punctuation.

Since he was a child, Xiao Zhan has been competitive. He doesn't want to miss any opportunity in what he can control. When he took the bus when he was in school, he would

The man in the car who passed the station because he was asleep was anxious.

For things that can't be controlled, he will remind himself not to compete and learn to accept them. Until then, do what you can.

I have also experienced the interview and entered the last round. I have had a makeup audition, but it was replaced. Of course, there will be a brush book handed over now, but Xiao Zhan always tells himself that they only have the intention and can hand it to many people at the same time. When he meets what he really likes, he will take the initiative to meet the director and explain his understanding of the role.

Black printed shirt Egonlab

Black jumpsuit Zickness

COVER STORY Cover Story

Xiao Zhan felt that it was very important to have a correct attitude.

Xiao Zhan's growth environment is the same that of many post-90s generation. Mom and Dad go to work, and Grandma cooks at home. He goes to and from school every day. If his exam results are not good, he will be beaten.

After dinner at 6:30 every night, the children will call him downstairs to play hide-and-seek, wooden man, and throw sandbags. Speaking of this, he will be swayed. These ordinary little things are now very precious. Xiao Zhan said that he was very grateful for the life of not breaking into the entertainment industry in the past 23 years. "I cherish it very much. I think it's good." He thought that if he hadn't entered the entertainment industry, he would live like his classmates and friends to eat with customers every day and stay up late to catch up with the design.

"Being seen" is a happy thing. No matter how busy the work is, Xiao Zhan never complains, "If you have a job, then work hard." When shooting "The rest of my life, please give me more advice", he was also recording the variety show "Our Song". During the interval of waiting for the scene, he wore headphones and hummed softly. Other actors came over curiously. Xiao Zhan smiled shyly and explained the song he was going to sing at night. No time, I really don't have time." At that time, work occupied almost all of his life.

Xiao Zhan rarely takes the initiative to give himself a holiday. "It's unrealistic," he said categorically. When he is most tired, he can fall asleep while sitting on the set.

This year, Xiao Zhan has a sense of urgency of "too little acting". "Compared with some predecessors, they have performed a lot of works in their thirties." Xiao Zhan knew very well that he could not rely on a play, and his acting skills took a big step forward. "This may be difficult for me to happen to me."

He once thought about whether to be an actor with a personal style or an actor that the audience will like. His answer is the latter, "Everyone may not be your fans, and they don't even have a special cold for you, but I know, he has broadcast a play. Do you want to watch it? His plays are all good. I want to do this. This is my current goal. Can you be the level of the actor I like? It's a long way to go. Take your time." More filming and teamwork with more good teams. At present, there is only one goal, and the rest will not be considered for the time being. Xiao Zhan said.

Q&A talk about performance

Zhizu GQ: When will it be clear to be an actor?

Xiao Zhan: When the public is paying more and more attention to me, I want to say, why can't I? I think I can.

Sometimes it shakes and I think it's so difficult. Why can't I do it? For example, the lines, why are the lines not good, and why can't the lines be said? Because I'm a southerner? I don't think so. Then I will think, how can I say it well? I can do it. Try it.

Zhizu GQ: In your opinion, what are the professional standards for actors?

Xiao Zhan: First of all, you are professional. This is a topic that can't be avoided. You can be a non-professional, but your business ability is excellent. This is what I want to do and what I am currently doing. I don't think I'm enough. It's too far away.

After being professional, attitude and love are also very important. Do you only treat it as a job or do you really like it? These are two concepts. If you just do a job, you may not be able to go far. But if you really like it, you will cry and laugh for it, which may be the motivation for you to stick to it.

And a strong body (laughs). In the past, I didn't feel tired when I was in my twenties, but now I will be very tired after staying up late. This is a terrible thing. It is important to have a strong body. This is your foundation.

Zhizu GQ: When you play which role or play, do you feel recognized?

Xiao Zhan: At the beginning, when it was His Royal Highness the Wolf, there was a lot of pressure at that time. The acting teacher would give me a lot of advice and guidance, and kept overturning Bai Ji's performance every day. It was a period of confusion. After you survive, you will find that you have grown up. After acting, you will gradually find a little feeling, and then come step by step. This is a cumulative process.

I think I act too little. Compared with some predecessors, they have performed a lot of works in their thirties. I still have too few works now, and I don't have enough accumulated enough.

Zhizu GQ: Will you be in a hurry?

Xiao Zhan: Yes. Because I think (improving acting skills) is a cumulative process. You can't take a big step by a play. This is difficult for me to happen, so you have to keep filming, but keep making good scenes and don't consume yourself.

Zhizu GQ: What are the reasons for the expansion of the three film and television dramas broadcast in 2023 from ancient costume dramas to period dramas and urban dramas?

Xiao Zhan: In fact, there is no consideration. It's a natural occurrence. I didn't deliberately avoid the theme I played before, but read the script. The script handed over at that time, I felt that I was attracted by a script at the moment, so I chose it, but it happened to be a theme that had not been played before.

Zhizu GQ: Will there be a sense of burnout when acting in ancient costume dramas?

Xiao Zhan: There are also many types of ancient costumes. Don't distinguish it from ancient costume dramas and modern dramas. It's just sticking a headgear and changing clothes. In fact, the core is the same, but the shell is different.

Zhizu GQ: The drama you made has been broadcasted. Will you watch it by yourself?

Xiao Zhan: I won't watch it, but I will watch it. I will choose the scene that I care about very much, which can be regarded as finding problems for myself.

Zhizu GQ: Will you open the bullet screen to watch it?

Xiao Zhan: I used to be really good at it. I felt very happy and laughed with everyone, but now I don't know how to open it.

Zhizu GQ: What kind of role do you want to play now?

Xiao Zhan: If I can choose, of course it's the best I haven't tried. I need freshness. If you do the same thing every day, you will be annoyed.

Zhizu GQ: What kind of actor do you want to be?

Xiao Zhan: I want to be an actor that the audience likes.

Zhizu GQ: Don't you have done it to make people like it?

Production: @Imperfect Studio

Clothing assistants: EKko, Shi Yawen, Ren Yixuan, Chen Yiyang

Xiao Zhan: No, no, I don't think it's enough. I once thought about whether to be an actor with a personal style or an actor that the audience likes. At present, I want to be an actor who likes the audience. You may not be a fan of you, and you are not particularly interested in you, but I know that he has broadcast a play. Do you want to watch it? His plays are all good. I want to do this. This is my current goal. Whether it can become the level of my favorite actor is a long way to go. Take your time.

Zhizu GQ: What are your favorite actors?

Xiao Zhan: Many, for example, Zhou Xun has always been my favorite actor. I watched her play (The Sea of Anger) recently. It's really great.

Zhizu GQ: What are your plans for your career in 2024?

Xiao Zhan: More filming and working with more good teams. At present, there is only one goal, and the rest will not be considered for the time being.

Talk about life

Zhizu GQ: Will the voice on social media bother you?

Xiao Zhan: It's not bothering. It's been so many years. I'm still troubled. Do I still live? ( (Laughter) It's really okay. I just need to know exactly what I'm doing. Every time you make a choice, you should clearly know what you are doing, what you want to give up, and what you want to do. So, it's okay, there may be more troubles for the team.

Zhizu GQ: Isn't your private life affected?

Xiao Zhan: Very normal! I can go out for a bike and a walk. When you walk on the street, no one really cares about you. It's really not what everyone thinks. Then I walked around freely.

Zhizu GQ: Is this a time to escape for you?

Xiao Zhan: It's time to relax. Why should I escape? I'm also in the third dimension. Where should I escape? This is my life. I'm the same as everyone else.

There are many things I really want to do, such as squeezing the subway and shopping malls, which are very similar to when I used to go to school. Maybe I will do it in the future.

Zhizu GQ: Will you miss the life of ordinary people?

Xiao Zhan: It's not that I miss it, but that I think I should do it. It's popular. I will really squeeze the subway. Maybe tomorrow, it's too normal. I used to take the subway every day. For me, there is nothing I can't do. What do you think I can do? Say hello and then leave. It's nothing more than that I don't want to cause confusion, trouble, and cause a bad response.

Talk about personality

Zhizu GQ: You haven't been on variety shows in recent years. Is this a conscious choice?

Xiao Zhan: Because it is not suitable, with my personality, I am too tired in the variety show. I will want to take care of everyone's feelings and make myself very tired. Since you know it's such a result, don't do it at all.

Zhizu GQ: What is your original intention to enter the entertainment industry?

Xiao Zhan: I really broke in inexplicably and ignorantly. How did you get to this point when you used to watch the talent show to interview those top-ranked players? The contestant said that I accompanied my friend to participate in the selection, but my friend lost the election, and I chose it. When I was a child, I felt that these were far away from me, but when I came to myself, it was really like this. I thought it was amazing. I took part in the draft, and then I came to the present, that's it. It's wonderful. Life is really interesting.

Zhizu GQ: What are the things that I didn't expect before after entering the industry?

Xiao Zhan: It's cruel not to eat freely. When I see that my former high school classmates already have children and are fat, I will sigh that I also want to eat freely like this. Their living condition will make me feel that if I hadn't chosen this road at that time, maybe we would all be the same. We have to socialize and stay up late to design. You don't know how tired it is to do design, but life is like this. There is nothing we can do.

Zhizu GQ: How does choosing this road change you?

Xiao Zhan: Maybe there is a lot of lack of life experience. At this point, my classmates and friends are far more than me. What they have experienced is real things. There is no seat for you and no light. You are living your own real life.

Zhizu GQ: Are you an emotionally stable person?

Xiao Zhan: Xiang, right, stable, fixed. But once I touch some points, I will become very unstable.

Zhizu GQ: For example?

Xiao Zhan: It's just… something that can't be said, hehe. Maybe when something incredible happens, you will feel angry when what you are doing, or when something normal people don't do happens. It may be a matter of privacy. If this point is broken through, I will "run away". Everyone has their own boundaries, and some people don't have a sense of proportion. I will stay away from such people. But when the boundary is broken again and again and touches the bottom line, I will be very angry.

Zhizu GQ: You once said that you have a particularly strong side of your personality. What exactly do you mean?

Xiao Zhan: In principle, I am a very good person. If I insist on something, I think it is right, and it is difficult to be persuaded.

For example, I want to be an actor. I don't want to do things other than actors. If you force me, then let's argue. No one is right or wrong, and the team is also for your good. Isn't it a good thing to have a lot of work? But for me, I have to do subtraction, because some things are really not what I want.

Zhizu GQ: Do you have a perfectionist side?

Xiao Zhan: I just want to do it well and try my best now. Maybe the result is not good, but what should I do? That's all I can do.

Zhizu GQ: Can you accept failure?

Xiao Zhan: I can accept it. A few years ago, I may not be able to accept it, but 32-year-old Xiao Zhan has learned to accept it (laughs). Gd

[guzsdaily]

[Re]starting my self-hosting journey, and why

Day 80 - Jan 24th, 12.024

Yesterday I "woke" up my old computer as a server [again], now the fun part starts. But, why am I self-hosting?

Why self-host?

The short answer: for me, it's fun.

The long answer: to start, if you don't know what self-hosting means, here's a small explanation from our good old Wikipedia:

Self-hosting is the practice of running and maintaining a website or service using a private web server, instead of using a service outside of someone's own control. Self-hosting allows users to have more control over their data, privacy, and computing infrastructure, as well as potentially saving costs and improving skills. Source: Self-hosting (web services) - from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

In summary, it's like if you used your computer to run something like YouTube, instead of connecting to the internet to use it. Self-hosting can be really advantageous if you care a lot about privacy, control of your data and how it's used, not only that, but if you're a developer, you know have a lot more power in customizing, tweaking and automating services and tools that you use. And because the data and code is on your own machine, you aren't locked-in into a cloud provider, website, yadda yadda. There are people who can explain this better than me, and nowadays self-hosting isn't that hard if you know a thing or two about computers.

Personally, I plan to use self-hosting for three reasons:

Privacy and data control, of course;

Network control, aka. Ad blockers in the hole home's network with something like Adguard Home and a private intranet with Tailscale;

And, the most useful, automation. I already talked about here and there, but I hope that I can automate my social medias, daily journal publications, and things like that using my home server, specifically with something like Gitea actions (or in my case, Forgejo actions).

Maybe something like federalization also, I don't know yet how hard it would be to self-host my own Mastodon or [insert another ActivityPub-compatible instance here] on my computer.

Something which I also plan to do is to run my own Invidious and other frontend-alternatives for myself, I already use public instances and pretty much de-googled my online life nowadays, so why not try self-hosting also? Maybe even open these instances to my friends? So they can also have more private alternatives? Or maybe I'm dreaming too much? Probably.

How to self-host?

If you're somehow interested about self-hosting after this amalgamation of an explanation, and do not know where to start, I would recommend taking a look at CasaOS or YunoHost, these give you an easy-to-use User Interface (UI) to manage your server and services. I tried both, CasaOS being what introduced me to self-hosting, alongside this video on how to install it on Linux and use it.

Nonetheless, this is my third try on self-hosting, because the two previous options didn't serve my current needs and also because I'm liking the idea of using NixOS, which is how I'm configuring my home-server now. And it is being kinda great to share common configuration and code between my desktop and home-server, without counting also the incomparable control of using it instead of the docker-based solutions I mentioned (but again, I wouldn't recommend using Nix in your first try of self-hosting, even less if you don't have any experience with it or programming in general).

I already have a Forgejo instance running now, and I hope that tomorrow I'm able to configure Adguard Home on it, since these are pretty much the two main reasons and purposes of this server. Also, Tailscale is also configured, pretty much just services.tailscale.enable = true, that's it.

I have to admit, I'm kinda loving NixOS more and more, and it's also making me love even more Linux in general. It's always great to learn and try something new. Hopefully in some days I will make a more detailed post about the hole system that I'm creating to myself, it's kinda scary and interesting the scale that this "productivity system" is taking.

---

Today's artists & creative things

Playlist: Braincell.exe has failed to load - A stimming playlist - by Aliven't

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Copyright (c) 2024-present Gustavo "Guz" L. de Mello <contact.guz013@gmail.com>

This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International (CC BY-SA 4.0) License

[wardenred]

Whumptember 7: "No One Will Believe You"

Legit all I know about this snippet is that it takes place in Post-Final Girls cyberpunk-meets-superpowers universe, and that I'll have to write a part 2 for one of the later prompts.

"I will find a way to tell them the truth," Rin warns through gritted teeth. The villain hums, holding them closer than the dance requires, and Rin just wants to push him away. They hate being touched at the best of times, even by the people they trust. This, here, is barely endurable. 

Except the behavior-altering chip keeps on humming its electric song through their spine, and their fake smile will look painfully real in tomorrow's news.

The villain's breath is hot against their ear. "No one is going to believe you anyway."

"Sure they will. You're not the only one dealing in cyberware. I can—"

"I'm the only one dealing in this kind. The chip will self-destruct as soon as I will it to." The villain leans close enough that the hero feels his smile against their skin. The music feels louder, the room smaller. "So you can try running to them with no proof, sure. After all you've done under my sway, they have no doubt that you've betrayed them. They'll just think you're now betraying me, too, and your side has never liked traitors."

Rin swallows and tries to pull away. The villain squeezes their hand tight enough to bruise. It's unnecessary; their body isn't cooperating anyway. The chip's making sure of that.

"Not yet. The night is still young. But don't you worry, we'll be alone behind closed doors soon enough."

Rin shudders. Maybe they should run. The villain is right. Their side has always been very peculiar about betrayals, even accidental ones. Being in this situation at all is a crime. They should have destroyed themself while they still had control over their actions and their powers. They should have never let the villain take them alive.

They can never go home, not from this. But maybe they can still go free.

They just need to come up with a plan that would get the villain to make the chip disintegrate—assuming he’s not bluffing.

[vegtable-bucket]

This is a very long and self indulgent vent post. Feel free to disregard and tw for sucidial ideation. I am currently seeking help but I needed to vent.

So 2023 I think is the official worst year of my life. I thought as the years went on life would like.... get easier??? But no lmao it somehow gets progressively harder and I feel like I am completely drowning and suffering at every turn. I will essentially plan a little treat for myself and that treat will then turn into like a comical death trap of some sort. I feel like whoever is controlling my sim is trying to torture me.

I'm just going to list the terrible things that I've had to deal with since I have what 5 months left of this year to claw my way through?

My cat was diagnosed with cancer. That cancer spread so rapidly in the span of one week, I got her diagnosis on her last day on earth.

Prior to this, she was puking 3 times a day and so I was cleaning up puke and sobbing over her for a month striaght

Vet bills

The doctor who did the biopsy of my cats cancer didn't relay how severe her cancer was causing me to have to spend 5 hours in the the ER. I was separated from my cat during those 5 hours. My phone was on 1%. Ready player one was my only entertainment. Many dogs got checked before my blood puking cancer ridden cat. The person at the front desk said "we only treat several emergencies first." Meaning vomiting blood isn't urget............. wild.

Obviously I had to put my cat down. She was 7 years old. I miss Pirate everyday. I used to call her an angel from outerspace, now she's really sailing around up there.

I had to do this without my husband present because he was at.... his grandma's funeral in England. I couldn't go because I was taking care of our dying cat. I find this to be an especially twisted fate since he left right before I had a psychotic break due to all the stress

I got covid. And I got it like a month ago in the middle of the summer. This ate away at my travel time making it so I couldn't see one of my friends in portland.

I got exposed to covid over the weekend and if I get sick again my job will take my remaining 3 days off. This is my last year in America and if those days are taken from me I won't be able to see my family for the holidays

I dont get to leave this hell country this year after excitedly telling everyone I was out of here. Embaressing.

Every single trip I have planned this year has been a complete disaster

I either didn't get to see the friend I planned to see, or my time with that friend was limited to reasons outside of either of our control leaving me to feel completely isolated, lonely and like nobody's priority or important friend (even though that's irrational)

I've had an issue with almost every single flight I've taken this year. Will it be delayed or canceled making me have to take the flight that makes it so arrive home at 4am? The answer is always yes!

My job had revealed itself to be a toxic work enviornement before but it continues to worsen.

My job makes me want to kill myself, like actively. I've had the worst suicidal ideation of life since I was 13 and having to visit my abusive and neglectful father

Somehow, at 27, all of my trauma seems to be bubbling up in the worst possible way and nobody in my support system is close to me right now/alive.

Guess what? In an ironic twist of fate applying to jobs also makes me want to kill myself and I find to be a dramatic waste of time.

My husband and I set up trips around this time of year which made it so when his grandmother died, he will have seen me once in the span of 4 weeks. Meaning the only person who I can mourn the loss of my cat with is gone. I will be coming home to an empty house when I return tomorrow and my depression is not making it easy to take care of myself

Living in America has never seemed more dystopian. My rights are simply withering away while inflation stacks up. It's been an expensive year by itself but the recession isn't helping

I feel completely lost on what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to be financially stable (as I am lucky enough to be now) but I'm unsure of my future in england. I don't know if I really should pursue my masters because I feel my entire body aching to do something I enjoy and I have no idea if I'll ever be able to work in a field that improves people's lives and doesn't make me want to kill myself

I will never be mentally emotionally or financially stable enough to have kids. Having them seems terrifying to me. I cry for my younger self imagining her life and how unfair the world was to her, and wondering why I was born if not to suffer

I can barely focus on anything in my life anymore. I feel like my attention span has stopped working and I can only do a task for 15 minutes before feeling exhausted

Crippling weed dependency

I can't remember the last time I felt geniunely happy. If I spend anytime not listening to something or distracting myself my brain is essentially torturing and harassing me and telling me the many ways in which I should kill myself

I cannot afford a grippy sock vacation to make me not kill myself. I feel like I'd want to be there for a whole month and that's probably like 800k and would mean losong my job lmao

Having to wait for life to improve slowly on its own is agonizing to me as I really just want to leave America as quickly as I can to get away from it all. And then I remember all the things and people and places I will miss and I get this unearthly ache of sadness.

I'm also not blind and know terf island (england) is also doing remarkably terrible and I will be moving to a very xenophobic country far away from the familiar.

Everything that happens on the news now makes me fully believe I'm living in a dark comedy about a species that is run by a group of people so greedy that they are racing to extinction

*gestures widely at the state of everything*

I visited my dad's side of the family without nick (husband) present and not only did they bully and antagonize me the entire time, but they also said the most off the wall insanely racist shit I've ever heard in my life. So vile i was physcially ill after interacting with them. But I have to keep up appearances for my future wedding.

I want to cut them out of my life so fucking bad it's unreal. My mom is begging and pleading with me to not do it but being around such vile people makes me physically ill.

This things I used to love now feel distant and boring to me now. I feel like it's so hard to laugh at anything anymore

The real kicker for this is I always pack period items just in case, and I didn't for once and now I am dealing with painful cramps at 3am away from ibprofin and like all of civilization

Okay that's it. I hope none of you read this it's incredibly self indulgent and pitying. I feel as though I've never been allowed to be sad and it's all bubbling up this year and suffocating me. And then people keep telling me to not kill myself which makes me feel guilty for wanting to end it all in the first place. I've always hated asking for help, I hate people feeling sorry for me, I hate struggling. I've never even attempted because im too chickenshit.

Can't wait to share this post in therapy. Which I won't be able to afford for awhile.

I miss feeling joy.

[heresmaitake]

Life Update

Hey, future me (I know I’ll come back to this post when things are better, and I’ll probably laugh at how cringy I sound). Writing a blog post to myself might seem a bit strange, I could just write my thoughts in my phone note or write an email to my future self. But hey, I’m doing what feels right, so here’s my life update from May 6th, 2024. Life… it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster lately. Just two days ago, I got hit with some pretty shocking news, and, honestly, I couldn’t help but let out a few tears. Even though it’s been ages since I last cried over life stuff, that day just got to me. I know crying won’t magically fix things, but it’s my way of letting out all the stress I've been keeping to myself. I’ve been praying so hard, asking Allah for some peace of mind and a smoother way ahead to achieve my goals. Don’t get me wrong, though, I’m not dwelling in sadness or feeling miserable right now. But man, I turned 27 this year, been trying to be a proper adult, while working hard chasing after those big dreams of mine, plus, dealing with the mess COVID left behind? It’s not an easy work (heeheee).

Anyway, I’m trying my best to take things one day at a time, not letting stuff I can’t control stress me out too much. And you know what? There’s still plenty of good stuff going on in my life right now. Whether it’s getting obsessed over my current favourite K-drama (although I already know I’m gonna feel lost and experience post-series depression syndrome once it’s over), catching up with old friends, or making new friends with people who just get me, who have the same way of thinking as me, there’s always something to smile about. And I’m beyond grateful that my family and friends are doing well in life and that they are healthy too. After my mom’s heart troubles from 2022 to 2023, her surgery earlier this year was a success, alhamdulillah. As for me, I’m set on getting back into my exercise routine, starting with a morning run tomorrow. Work’s as always full of deadlines and ideas block and so little time, but somehow I’m still managing to find the inspiration to design those websites for clients, especially when the pressure’s on hahahaha.

All in all, despite the drizzle, there’s still a lot to be thankful for. Even if I don’t always understand why Allah makes me go through what I'm going through right now, I’m positive that things will work out for the best because Allah's plan is the best plan. And even if it’s a bit stormy now, I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a bright, shiny rainbow. Just gotta keep giving it my all. I hope I will never lose hope and always be positive in facing things in my life, just like now, I hope that I continue to be the hardworking person who is always eager to be better and learn new things each day.

Oh, before I forget, let me drop my current jam here: Lizzy McAlpine's “I Guess.”

Alright, time for bed, I’m exhausted and in serious need of some deep sleep.

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Tuesday, April 9th, 2024!

12:45am: Studied, now taking a nap till 4am lol wish me luck!! Had delicious meatballs for dinner, had a great day, saw the solar eclipse (!) and didn't hear from old guy which was nice for once!! Tired of him calling and ruining my Mondays with his sob stories :) I'm just saying I actually had a hella productive day because I wasn't triggered before noon! Hallelujah ❤️ good night everyone I love you all :) ❤️

12:26pm: I'm so burnt out and doneeee. Also just ewwwww ick what a fucked up guy fr I had to put him in his place in order for him to treat his gf right 🤢 fucking hell I'd be so embarrassed if he posted me ever again like I think I would fr cry out of embarrassment. I want to tell her so badly but(!) that would only put bad karma on me I really don't want that, just let her find out eventually ❤️ yuck

4:41pm: I think he blocked me from messaging him, but didn't actually block me? Why are there so many different ways to ignore someone lmao I didn't even know you could do that. Sucks for him. I'm done with my pediatric kidney transplant research, 🥳 and he's not around. Kinda like he died or something. He really went with me through all the bullshit but didn't want to stick around for the end result is kinda fucking crazy and stupid tbh. Really really really crazy to think another guy is gonna get the big baller Dr. version of me, and he only got the stressed out poor broke ass weight gaining student version but whatever. It's not like I wasn't going to make it at some point. Anyway, his loss and someone else's gain 😎❤️ You would think he'd appreciate it the most, but he was too pussy to have a bad ass Dr. as a wife and just REALLY wanted to be the aLpHa MaLe and needed a lower level bitch 😬😂 The definition of self sabotage and toxic masculinity/ red pill bs. I need a confident man to match my energy and that's really some shit he was never able to do. It doesn't matter what you do for a living either I just need you to own your shit. He always wanted me to be quieter or more chill because he just wasn't shit. Every time I shined he looked like a rusty piece of junk instead of just shining with me. It's not like I wanted him to be beneath me, but he really wasn't helping himself either. Whatever. His loss is someone else's gain 🥰 Can't wait to find my partner ❤️

10:09pm: I really want to take my birth control out but I'm just gonna wait until I can call the pharmacy tomorrow because I don't know how early I can pick it up! This is killing me. I have deduced from planned parenthood (thanks!) that because I've had it in for infinity number of weeks (lol) I'm good to take it out as long as the new one goes in at 7 days or earlier if I want to try to change my start date?. The out time just cannot exceed 7 days. I want to have it out the whole 7 days this time and maybe I'll duck around with it next time trying to move it to Mondays again instead of Friday?? Idk I just need this shit to enD I remember why I skipped my period for six months straight now. I think that might be a record I haven't seen much longer than 2-3 months.

Goals: Start my period asap (safely) and get as much out as possible* I stg I'm gonna be chugging cayenne juice n vitamin C and tea and water y'all don't knoW. I want the spotting to STOP. Side note I also put bandaids on my boob acne maybe this will get under control :')

Get through this week's work and become the CritCare expert and try not to fail the last OSCE omg :') last verbal defense :')) it's all coming to an end literally.

Seriously though staying hydrated and *stress relieving* are the main goals until next weekend.

By the time the 19th rolls around (!!!) y'all aren't ready for that HYPE ASS weekend free dinner and Jesse McCartney and then the last week will be a BLUR 🤠

It's so funny because when I'm lit I know I'm not going to be thinking about him. It's not even that bad anymore. I can't imagine when the stress is 0%. I'd say I'm more fatigued than stressed atp too, like stress is about 20% and it's all to do with my period tbh, not even school. A little anxiety about APPE so maybe 25% but I'm not even really thinking about that yet either.