#The opportunity to be able to vent about something that's been causing me so much pain for so long SO SPECIFICALLY that I wouldn't be able

[inukag-archive]

Jealously Inuyasha fanfics??

Hello there! We previously posted a list of stories centered around jealous Inuyasha, but we were able to find a few more below (featuring Inuyasha and/or Kagome as the jealous one). You might also want to check out our protective/possessive InuKag list, since there is some overlap of jealousy there too.

Happy reading!

GIF by @sleepy-edits

Jealous Hanyou by Ayster (M)

Inuyasha does not like what is his to be touched, not even a simple touch in a friendly manner. His too cute for her own good girlfriend- Kagome - works at a bar where she wears a bunny-nurse cosplay as her work uniform. When he finally gets fed up with all the horny idiots that hit on his female at work- he at last claims her as his.

--

The Jealous Are Troublesome to Others, but a Torment to Themselves by KuroNoHime (E)

Kagome's new, hot math tutor blows Inuyasha off his hinges and the girl of the future has finally had her quota on Inuyasha's constant, irrational jealousy. She brews a plan to serve Inuyasha some humble pie and make him admit his feelings for her.

--

Let me kiss your ramen-flavoured lips by @jeremymarsh & @turtleduckstudios (G)

Working as a freelancer has forced Inuyasha to leave Kagome far more than he would have liked and they’ve sort of gotten used to it. So when a well-paid job opportunity that could allow them to finally marry and secure the house of their dreams comes along he can’t refuse, even if it means they’ll be on different sides of the country for a long time.

Will jealousy and insecurities play their part too?

Or:

Inuyasha is a worrywart and that causes problems more often than not, but in the end, Kagome loves him too much to care.

--

InuKag - Jealousy by pastedpages (E)

A week after Kagome returns to the feudal era for good, Kōga shows up to see her—and Inuyasha isn't happy about it. Luckily for him, he's the only one she wants.

--

The Other Woman by legallyadragon (T)

Kagome never truly understood why Koga's baseless flirting bothered Inuyasha so much. After all, he knew she wasn't actually interested.

She understands a little bit better now, but Inuyasha shows her that she doesn't have anything to worry about.

--

Tits for Tat by @kitramune (E)

During Inuyasha's human night, Kagome ends up feeling something she hasn't felt in a long time. Luckily they have new ways of... venting that feeling, so to speak.

--

Maybe, Probably by @lavaffair (T)

They've been best friends since they were kids, and somewhere along the way, they fell in love. However, neither of them have confessed these feelings to one another. They vowed to always put each other first, and to stick by each other's side no matter what.

With finals week two weeks away, Inuyasha's classmate asks him for help to study for their big test. The same classmate who happens to have a massive crush on him.

For the first time, Kagome deals a hand with jealousy.

--

No One Else by @goshinote (G)

After exterminating a yokai in a small village, Inuyasha finds himself as the focus of a local woman's attentions. Since when is Inuyasha a ladies' man? Well, maybe that's stretching it.

--

Perfectly Flawed by dolphingirl0113 (T)

Inuyasha began to feel the cruel stab of jealousy. How was he supposed to compete with a copy of himself? A better copy? Someone without all of his flaws? “Kagome…please don’t leave me…”

--

Jealous Much? by Gfam89 (M)

Kagome is tired of the Kikyo and Inuyasha situation, so she goes home to get a break. She knows she can't be away from Inuyasha for too long, but when she meets another boy at school, how will Inuyasha react to her newfound 'friendship'

--

A Sealed Fate by @ajoy3fanfics (M)

Kikyou no longer wishes to drag InuYasha to hell, but rather pick up where they left off 50 years ago. Convinced that this is what will heal InuYashas heart, Kagome leaves the feudal era, sealing the well behind her. Or so InuYasha thinks...

--

Give Me Love - an InuAU by EnelyaTheSmall (T)

Inuyasha is a Mixed Martial Artist with an anger problem and Kagome is the breath of fresh air that he has so desperately needed.

--

Love and War by @starlingchildgazingatthestars (E)

Prompt: "We're not just friends, and you fucking know it."

Kagome is fed up with Inuyasha's obnoxious, jealous behavior, and they get into a huge fight. They may be childhood best friends, but this is getting ridiculous. They aren't even a couple! Or are they...?

--

Feel free to add your own recs in the comments or reblogs! Check our Masterlist of previous lists to see which topics we've covered.  After reviewing our submission guidelines, send us an ask (here).

[thequietkid-moonie]

Finding out that S/O was previously suicidal

[ SCENARIO ] [ Shouko, Ishida ]

[ A silent voice / Koe no Katachi ]

I had read something like this in the past and I absolutely loved it!! This kind of things had helped me a lot in the past so i really hope i'm able to help someone else with this!

Shouko Nishimiya

Even for being in a relationship with Shouko she normally doesn't pry for personal details about you, she won't force you to talk about things you don't want to talk about or things about your past, she prefers that if you to tell her something personal is because you feel comfortable enough to do so (and she does the same), she may just be a little pushy when it comes to problems that are bothering you in the present but aside from that she doesn't insist much

Shouko suffer from a really bad self-steem, blaming herself from a lot of things due her condition, and she had wanted to die for a long time (probably all her life), however she slowly wins more things that make things worthy to stay and continue trying, one of those things is you

Shouko may probably tell you about how she have those suicidal thoughts (or even if she doesn't have it anymore) at some point, it probably take her a while since she probably fears your reaction (not that she doesn't trust you, she just doesn't want to bother you or you to be worried over her), but it would take her even more time if she already had her suicidal attempt since in that moment she had caused even more troubles

If you open up before her it would be easier for her to tell you. When you open up to her about it she will be pretty nervous by seeing you so serious or even nervous, while you start telling her about it she will probably get the idea of what you are meaning if you don't say it directly but at the same time she doesn't want to assume

When you tell her she is between not being sure of what to tell you and wanting for you to feel free to tell her all you need and vent, she will try to comfort you by saying that she understand you and is more probably that in that moment is when she open up too (if she already told you about it she will just remind you of that). Even if you don't feel bad or insecure about it she still wants to reasure you that is okay, she understand and that you aren't alone

Shouko is really happy to have you in her life, you had become so special for her that she is even grateful to have you in her life and that is something that she repeat to herself constantly because it makes her happy, and now, because she knows that once in the past you wished to be dead she tells you from time to time how happy she is that you are still here and that she is grateful to have you in her life (even when saying it out loud make her really flustered)

Shoya Ishida

It will take a while to get into a relationship with Ishida because he doesn't know much what he is supoused to do or say, but it isn't imposible. When it finally happens that you two start dating Ishida is really curious about you, he wants to know more and more about you sincerely (even before start dating) but he doesn't know if it is right for him to ask or if he is being rude by asking, so he tries to either don't even ask or do it indirectly

From his part, Ishida had been suffering from suicidal ideation for a long time and he was about to do it if it wasn't because he get the opportunity to try and make it up for his past mistakes, he knows really well what is like wanting or even thinking that it would be better if you die. Although is more probably that he won't talk about it once you two are together, even since you were friends he tried his best to be a good friend even when he didn't know what that was supoused to mean

If he ever tells you about it is because you two are having a heart to heart talk and it just slips his lips while telling you about his past, otherwise is more probably that he won't tell you about it (or at least not first)

In the case that you are the first one saying it, either because you want to say him directly or because you feel comfortable enough to tell him, Ishida will be completely shocked by it, it never crossed his mind that you will ever wish death, he was a terrible person in the past and he thought that he deserved to die, but you? In his eyes you are nothing but an amazing person and he doesn't see why, he may say it without thinking much on it but will apologize

Ishida wants to know more about it, if you let him of course, he wants to know from where it came this feeling and is more likely that he will share his own feelings about it and admit that he wanted to be dead once too

He may not tell you right away in that moment, or just say it like a simple comment, but later while thinking on it Ishida will relice how important you are to him and how greatful he is to have you in his life (even if sometimes he feels like he doesn't deserve you), so he plans to express it to you the next time he had the opportunity, even thanking you for not giving up in life because that way you two were able to meet, probably end up being a flustered mess but he really wanted to let you to know

[softerseasons]

listen. my post about being shat on on the internet for advocating for a word to describe the specific ways transphobia and misogyny and queer discomfort with masculinity intersected for me is going around quite a bit more than i thought it would when i first made it to vent so I want to add for anyone who like, comes to see what else i've got going on:

i should have specified that i also didn't get to have that community also because i was isolated offline and the internet was my only option for queer communuty in my 20s, and there was so much infighting happening that it simply wasn't a good place to look for such things. i was intentionally isolated from everyone except my abuser for the first few years, and unintentionally isolated by my disabilities for the last several years. the internet did not reach out and snatch those opportunities away from me, it simply failed to be a replacement for what i couldn't have elsewhere.

this was never the fault of transfems, this was never the fault of other queer people. this was and always will be the fault of people of all stripes being jackasses on the internet. while these experiences Do translate offline, far more often than not other queer people offline do not have the time or energy to spare to be shitstains to other queer people of Any type, because we're all too busy trying to live in whatever way is going to be safest for us.

yeah, ive had shitty experiences with irl transfems. i've had shitty experiences with irl transmascs too. their queerness was not the cause of that, they were just shitty people. everyone does unfortunately have an equal opportunity to be an awful person. had i had the opportunity to be more involved in offline communities, this would not have been such an issue for me personally.

so like. support the people in your community. block people who piss you off online instead of engaging. spend that energy on something useful instead, like being a person who is enjoyable to be around, so that you can build that community for yourself. it's out there. yes your experiences are real and you should be able to talk about them but also you can just block the people who refuse to listen or who deliberately misinterpret you, i promise, because they are never going to be part of your community anyways.

peace

[roomycd50]

Unpopular Wizard101 reddit post that I took the opportunity to vent on.

The animations are cool, but maybe add an option if you're soloing to just show a png of the spell card to speed it up.

There should be more side worlds.

Pet banks need to exist

Having a furry as a concept artist was the smartest decision kingsisle has ever made

The integration from 2D to 3D has a lot to be desired, too many things are bug eyed, inconsistent color palletes, and proportions that don't match earlier world.

lip-syncing was a mistake

Pet-stitching should exist if different pets give different cards, what if I want kookaburra cards on a forest leviathan or crow?

speaking of which You should be able to customize which item cards a pet has, I want to give my life pets feint and I'm willing to breed for it.

Pet breeding is way to time/effort costly.

Set bonuses could have been incredible for set building (an under-hyped part of the game), but they just kinda suck, the first boosts are too useless, and the last boosts are good, but composite sets just outclass them. they need a total rebalancing.

The only useful set bonuses were the Dinosaur pet and the dragoon gear. both are now obsolete.

Making bosses with universal resist and then making them a bit more resistant to fire/storm/myth is counter-intuitive to the point different schools, What's the difference between life and storm in the shadow Malistaire fight? the life has 100% pips and accuracy, boosted damage on first phase, more health, more resist, and can heal if they want. the storm makes it up in the second phase, but it pales in comparison to the first.

Going in blind into cheating bosses sucks when the cheats are too rough, I get instant killed the moment I choose the wrong spell, and usually categories of spells aren't allowed.

Healing, is that banned? what about maycasts?

Can I blade, what about aegis?

Traps, do I need to protect them as well?

Are auras an instant lose?

Do I have to aoe because targeting an individual causes them to -90 me? or is it vice versa?

Myth needs a "if you get 30 monstrology points for this creature you can get its summon card as an actual spell". It would be kinda broken, but myths identity would be saved and they kinda need it. It would also change it's gameplay to differentiate it from other schools

Arc 1's story is viewed as best due purely to cohesiveness and nostalgia. Morganthe alone is more compelling and you can at least see PART of what made her into who she is. A side quest where you can find one of Malistaire's memory crystals in dragonspyre as he tries and fails to save Syvlia would have done WONDERS for him. He might not have even felt overdone or pandering with azteca/darkmoor. the same could be said for daseign and grandfather spider.

World design (generally): arc4=arc3>arc2>arc1

notable highlights: out-of-water celestia and azteca

edit: grizzleheim too

More world design opinions, every arc one world besides Wizard city and grizzleheim have areas that are too repetitive.

Krok with it's recolored tombs. The digsite and colloseum are the only landmarks

marleybone with rooftops. (Remember the gazebo with the kidnapper? that was about as much variety as it got)

mooshu with the bamboo trails. remember is mirage when you fought in cites? That with china town syle would be awesome.

dragonspyre with purple/red pompeii style is the only style, its why the time travel is so memorable.

The krokosphynx boat, the marleybone airships, and the great spyre battle drake made the world seem so much bigger and more cohesive than several areas stitched together by loading screen.

Transportation methods besides teleportation and mounts and both variety and worldbuilding. so this is how they get around, imagine a battalion of drake riders flying through here or something.

a train where you could talk to the passengers and learn about whatever world you're in would do a lot.

There's not nearly enough puzzles, it would fix the problem of defeat x amount talk defeat and collect, talk talk defeat boss, rinse and repeat. Mixing up different game play like Khans dance game was great. Imagine trying to siege a castle with grumpy gobblers mechanics, saving a power grid with a bigger shock a lock, or making your way through a trapped dungeon way of the ninja pig style.

PvP for the better part of a decade has been nigh impossible to get into and the hieroglyphic parts killed any enthusiasm I may have had. I will say seeing the ravenwood teachers have new spells was really nice and I wish they would add more new spells up to level 100, 150 or just anything really.

Grizzleheim up to but not including Ravenscar has by far the worst story (after is peak though).

It's too much to go through in order to get to the meat of the story. Some more in your face foreshadowing or additions to the areas to maybe not hint that the coven is the bad guy, but the looming threat of Ymir's awakening could be pretty interesting. Just the idea of oh no, maybe I'm doing something wrong would add a lot to early grizzleheim.

Newer worlds are good, but I'd rather do the 170 quests in new wizard city, krok ,or marleybone areas.

In retrospect, ranting at 1 A.M didn't improve my grammar as considerably as I hoped.

[coconutcows]

Hey Rebecca. I don't really know you and you don't know me. But please don't take your life. I don't know your situation. But I know what it feels like when everything seems pointless. But even if there really is no one around you right now who would miss you or it feels like there is no reason to keep going, that doesn't mean that can't change one day. Imagine the people you could meet in the future. The things you could see and experience. Don't take that possibility away from yourself. I can't tell you everything will work out. But I can tell you that doing it would take away the possibility of everything working out. You made it this far. You can keep going. I believe in you.

Hello!!! I’m sorry I’ve taken a bit to respond to this I’ve had a couple busy days and a few miserable days, but I really appreciate you sending this to me. I assume you saw my post, although idk how you did, but my issues just run really deep and I’m not sure what to do. I’m putting a bunch under the cut to not dash stretch.

I’ve been trying my best for years and nothing works out for me. That sounds like an exaggeration like people say when they just can’t see any positives but any time anything goes well for me something happens to screw everything up. I have some examples but if I listed those this would be a mile long. But basically my entire world has been swiftly destroyed in the past three months or so.

The thought of meeting new people and experiences is a nice one and I appreciate the positive attitude but the thought makes me feel sick. People tend not to like me much even if I do nothing to them, and experiences just seem to get more out of reach every day for multiple reasons. I don’t have many opportunities anyway, nor do I have the brainpower to plot a path of any kind.

I can’t hold a job because they all end up causing me immense mental distress and there’s no financial assistance that actually makes a difference here (just programs that give you what’s essentially pocket change towards bills and groceries while rushing you to find a job any job) and any job options are limited here to begin with. There’s very little hope for general financial improvement here anytime soon. I don’t think I have the talent or mental strength to try commissions.

Everything that made me look towards the future, that made me feel capable of anything is just gone now. I only have three friends and they get along just fine without me. They’d miss me if I was gone maybe but they’d get along just fine as well. I have my parents but they were a cause towards these issues back when I was a teen so i’ve already gotten over most of the guilt on that front. I know they’d be super upset but they wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore.

If I go through with it I won’t exactly be taking my own life. I plan on waiting until MAID gets expanded to include mental illness since the lovely Canadian Government also thinks disabled and mentally ill people should just be able to choose to die instead of scraping by on their meager assistance. That way I can arrange for anyone who wants to spend time with me before I go to do so.

All I hear is that I need to take care of myself, love myself etc etc etc, but I honestly can’t remember ever even liking myself so how am I supposed to get to that point? Besides I lost all the progress I’d made towards that goal over the past five years. I just really don’t know what to do at this point tbh, I just want to give up.

Anyways, if you or anybody else read all this thanks. Thanks if you care, and thanks for the chance to vent. I’ll make a post in the future if I get some stuff cleared up in case anyone genuinely wants to know what happened. Or people can ask, I’ll answer if I’m comfortable or able to.

[lukael]

it's venting time baby

tumblr still feels like the only place where I can actually properly vent, I don't wanna do it on my other platforms cause I feel like they're the more likely to get me commissions and I imagine hearing me say how much I fucking hate drawing isn't exactly good for business

and honestly I fucking hate that I can't actually say how I really feel in fear of not getting commissions, makes me feel like a FOOL but anyways

I do not enjoy drawing :)

I don't find it fun, I don't find it fulfilling, and I'm still fighting with myself over that fact, because I've been really happy since quitting my job 2 years ago, so it's easy to feel like it's because drawing makes me happier, but I really think it's just that I hate the idea of doing any other job EVEN MORE.

I don't think I'm good at it, I don't think I'm ever really gonna be great at it, and when Audrey asks me "why do you need to be great at it", I don't really know what to say. I don't have the answer. Trying to do something without being able to is just the most frustrating feeling in the fucking world, and it's something I'm putting myself through daily by pursuing art, like I'm just not good at it lol

so fucking tired of hearing people say "no you're totally good at it omg you're so talented!" like.... I APPRECIATE THAT, I really do, like yeah I can create moderately competent looking images on occasion, to some that's an impressive skill, or that's sufficient, cool. It's not good enough for me lol I would like to either: enjoy the process of drawing (I do not) or to create really great looking art (I do not)

bad enough that I hate it, but I also hate the process of having to constantly be looking for job opportunities with book companies, trying to advertise for commissions, never really getting enough to pay the bills for the month, like.... social medias are only getting more and more shit, so that's not helping, but even before that, I've never found any success online (probably cause the art sucks lol)

some days I'm debating just going to work at Subways or some shit, cause then at least I'd be making minimum wage lol which is a hella lot more than I'm making right now, but doing a student entry level job at 34 wouldn't be great for my morale I think lol plus I would hate that work too, so idk... call me lazy I guess, I just don't wanna work lol

Praying to the fuckin heavens every day that my channel can pick up in traffic so I can monetize it, cause even though I don't think I'm funny or interesting or entertaining in those videos, at least I have fun doing those. Getting to do this stuff full time would literally be a dream come true cause then I wouldn't be forced to fucking draw. I could actually like, maybe just draw for fun and somehow try to reconnect with what it is that led me to start drawing in the first place 30 something years ago

It sucks cause my parents are probably so proud of me when I say "hey guys I'm doing it I'm a freelance illustrator going on 2 years now!" I bet they tell their friends like wow look how my son is doing so well! not really knowing I've lost thousands of dollars of savings in those two years because I'm not making jack shit because I still price my commissions like I was 17 year old just starting in the damn art world

but I can't price comms any higher because A) I wouldn't get any and B) I can't in good conscience charge any higher for this garbage I'm making, I sure as fuck wouldn't pay that amount for the shit I draw. And that's with people not even knowing how much I hate it the whole time lol oh shit that's probably bad for business to say here too huhhhhhhhhh hey guys don't mind me my commissions are open, check my carrd for more info!!! :)

if anyone is unlucky enough to be reading this, probably thinking "luk if you hate drawing so much why not just do some other job" well see thats because I've painted myself into this fucking corner, and in my entire life have been so stubborn about drawing that I haven't amassed any other skill or interest, so there's no other job I could be doing, it just has to be this now, because I need to make money somehow so I can eat and pay rent, so might as well be with this thing I'm kinda sorta okay at even though it's fucking pulling teeth at this point

anyways

[fictionfixations]

Playful Land Book 4

Spoilers for the Playful Land event, I hint a little at the ending, also vague-ish spoilers for the next main story update. also i kinda vent a little 💀

actually ace has been thrown in the air like twice and the other time deuce didnt think of a way for him to landbut leona thought of cater to catch him this time 💀

DAMN ORTHO CHILL

ernesto really calling us spoiled (which i mean is true but also hey im also magicless 😭) and also lilia's literally a war veteran, and its not on EN yet (will be next update) but some people have been such assholes to him just because he was an orphan like SIR dont get me wrong that doesnt make any better or worse i just really dont like people comparing like trauma or like privilege or something and if you do that you give me an excuse to do it back to you like hello?

like yes we are still very lucky but he acts like we cant have shit happen to us too. like i mean yes we ended up in nrc but that doesnt mean the students were any nicer (ive been reading the novel and i finished the prologue so far yippee but man to me it demonstrates more how all the students are kinda jerks) nor did we get an opportunity to learn until we literally faced a life or death situation under fear of being expelled into a world where we had absolutely nothing to our name

um. i mean theres grim? who didnt seem to have a very good life before we met him but he did also make it in but also like sir being so angry about it doesnt do anything but prove them right 💀 like holding grudges is natural and everything but being so pissed off about it for so long and leaving it to fester is only going to hinder your growth in the future ?? like okay so they didnt accept you you had a shitty life. well clearly they're blind right? forget about them and just live your life they literally dont matter

sir i used to threaten myself to do schoolwork on time because i felt like i would be judged if i did anything less?? and then i got really depressed (..i kind of was contemplating what was the point living and doing schoolwork just felt worthless. like i didnt think id live this long so i stopped seeing a reason to do it but here i still am yippee! 🎉) and shit and it didnt work as much and i got called like a disappointment ..and then i just kinda stopped caring LMFAO like ok worst fear lived now who gives a shit? not me. im the lowest of the lows i dont give a shit about your opinion. and i do this thing where if something is mentally fucking me up for so long i just. stop caring. i just cant be bothered cause its such a drain and i dont wanna feel it anymore so i just dont. like okay fuck those shitty people but arent you all the better without them?? they wouldnt have treated you any better if you were able to live up to it, it wouldve just been pressure upon pressure weighing you down and for all i know they could be the kind of person to be like a one point off on a thing means you're a failure and its like dude WHO CARES and like they wouldve blamed it on you and YOU wouldve gotten depressed like oh im such a waste of space i cant even do this right and its like. its better to just cut toxic and abusive people out of your life instead of wondering on what ifs where you leaned into what they wanted out of you and thinking they wouldve treated you better when it only wouldve made it worse

literally if they threw you out because you didnt meet their expectations or you didnt have magic then they wouldnt have cared for you if you did you wouldve been miserable

in all honesty i really dont feel sorry for ernesto. like okay youre just whining now of missed opportunities you had years ago and like oh if only i could so and so and its like DUDE get your shit together and actually do something instead of focusing on the past so much. thats not the cause of all your issues. like bruh im not the guy who decided to work for some rich geezer who could care less about you, and getting your own hands dirty for when all i know the moment it all comes out that guy could blame you because oh i didnt know these puppets were people! i could hardly tell! and like for all i know they couldve been really rough in the money department and they didnt really have a choice. but like. ……uh-huh. you sure you dont have any other option? for one i know how this event ends so x for doubt. two, kalim would literally be so happy to fund you guys like💀

LITERALLY grim LITERALLY

like dont let that you got rejected become your sole defining trait because thats dumb as fuck and you arent going to gain any pity points where life suddenly decides to be kinder to you because thats not how it works

………….what would some monster know????

SIR I BET MONSTERS ARENT EVEN TREATED AS HUMAN THE FUCK YOU MEAN ????

okay i feel awkward yapping for so long when everyones saying my point 😭

kalim i love you so much

[1realityjones1]

A little vent post:

I don't know if I've ever truly felt like this before in my life. I know the emotion I'm plagued with, the tightness in my chest that restricts my breathing. Dread, the utter fear of something you can't run away from. The fear of something persistent that haunts you day and night.

I feel as though I walk through a warehouse in the black darkness of night. There is no light to look towards, no guide to light my way on the right path through my life. I grasp towards phantoms and figments of the imagination, of hope, in the void and hope to find something concrete. I hope to finally grab on to something that may put me onto a desirable path.

The things I used to hold onto are fading and crumbling apart. My family is breaking, dying. My home is disappearing, I must find somewhere else to lay my head in peace. I'm the rope in a tug-of-war, my family tugging one of my arms and my friends tugging my other. My family is pulling me further as they have more strings to tie me down with, but my friends know to grab my heart and hold tight. It feels impossible to live with my family without my heart, and yet itbis equally impossible for the heart to live without the body.

The struggle to hold my head above the waves of events has been the struggle of my life, and I've been barely keeping my nose out of the depths for years.

I hadn't struggled for most of my life. I had known where to go and what to aim for. I never thought to look into it, never thought to look past the pretty colours of the painting of my imagined future as a child and see the trials I'd have to complete before I could experience what the art depicted. When one looks at art, they see wishes. They see the rose-tinted photograph, even if the photograph is of the heinous. Sometimes, I think the art that hides the horrible is worse than than the art that shows it proudly.

I wish I had been taught better. Not that anyone in my life that had taught me did poorly. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say I was the one that should have done better. A good student asks questions, they understand the art themselves and understand the background of the image. They understand without being told to understand. I shrugged and told myself and others I understood even when I didn't so I wouldn't take time from others nor would I lose my own time.

I regret much in my life. I regret not asking more questions, not taking the initiative in so many things and allowing so many opportunities slip through the fingers like quicksilver. I made so many choices that hurt others just because those around me made those very same choices. I regret losing contact with friends, I regret the time I spent with them. I regret how I tried to help others when they told me not to help, where I ended up causing problems for everyone around me instead of doing any good.

I'm in a hall of mirrors. Constantly looking for an escape, yet finding only memories of misdeeds, mistakes, and moments I wish to return to. I look to my left and see myself as a bully, making fun of someone simply trying to fit in. I wish I hadn't fit in so well by being a bully. I look to my right and see myself saying horrible things to people that cared about me and loved me just so that I could be what I believed others wanted me to be. I look behind and see myself as a child pretending I am a super hero saving the damsel in distress in a small home with warm sunlight that never felt too small and still feels perfect. I look forward and see someone. They are my height, my weight, my shape, they have my face, my body, my hands, my scars. They are me, yet they are not at the same time. I walk forward, I do not want to walk to the left or right again. I cannot turn around and go back, I fear I will never be able to leave the paintings of the past.

I like video games because most of them have a way point. A candle in that dark warehouse. They are paintings I can physically interact with, paintings I can choose to understand or not as long as I enjoy experiencing them. I can learn from them, I can learn from the others telling their stories and painting the pictures. I have always wanted to be the painter. I have always wanted to draw a picture for an audience to understand or not, to try to teach them and show the mistakes I made and prevent someone from becoming me.

My father spoke about many things, as many intelligent people with little outlets for their genius do. He once told me he didn't want me to be like him, he wanted me to be better. His bar was not difficult to pass. He was an alcoholic and a chain smoker, I am not. I am better. He wanted to be a writer as a child, and he always encouraged me to embrace what I loved, my creativity. He was always supportive. Would he be supportive of other things if he were still alive? Would he be proud I'm taking the steps to become the writer he never was? I do not know. I doubt he'd support my identity, but I cannot see him being unsupportive.

I know I want others to be better than me. I don't want anyone to struggle like I have, and I realize I've been blessed by not being a poor child. I never had to receive hand me downs from family to even have anything to wear. I never had to struggle for dinner or breakfast or lunch. I never went hungry. I have it better than most, yet I feel the contrary. I hate that feeling.

I am running around in circles in my words and thoughts. I am reaching towards phantoms of my past and figments of hopes and dreams. I'm trying to find something to follow, and the things I'm finding are just memories leading me in circles. I'll find a memory of my father and it will lead me through the maze of mirrors again. I will take a left, a right, I'll turn around and go forward. I will latch on to one phantom and let it go just to chase another figment right before I get to something. I don't know what that something is. Is it the painful series of images of my father's conditions in the last few years of his life? Or is it flashes of happiness of my father, my mother, and I happy and enjoying each other's company. I don't know. I'll eventually go down those vortexes again, and again, and again. I will always find myself in that maze of mirrors of my mind, hoping to find a candle to use in the dark warehouse. I continue to search, even now as I write. I hope that perhaps I have found my candle.

TLDR: I don't know if I'd consider this a poem, but this is just me trying to figure my thoughts out. I have a lot going on, and I feel so overwhelmed. I'm hoping that I can keep my thoughts focused and deliberate if I write them down.

[longsleeveleper]

TW for trauma, pain, and disease

As someone who lives with both multiple chronic diseases/conditions and is neurodivergent, I still struggle to take actions that prioritize my own health over “the way things are done”. I’m coming up on the 14 year anniversary of when my life changed forever, but before then I had many years of a childhood where in both physical health and mental health I “passed”.

I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD at a young age, but even then it wasn’t noticed because of me committing grievous social faux pas. It was because they thought I might be deaf, on account of me having trouble hearing the teacher in school when a lot of people were talking. I was also a very active kid, I loved reading but I also loved running outside, climbing trees, and going on walks or hikes in the forest.

I mention this because many of those memories are still clear in my mind. I still yearn for them, on a certain level despite at this point having spent more of my life sick then healthy I still expect myself to be that kid. I want to be the man it seemed that kid would grow up to be, and in many ways I still am. But I can’t help grieve those lost experiences, the opportunities I don’t have anymore.

Now my life is full of pain and difficulty. My back hurts, my neck hurts, my knees hurt, my fingers hurt. But the longest and worst pain of all is my headache. 24/7 for over decade. Pain that can’t be put into words.

I wake up physically exhausted and it takes many carefully paced supplements + hours of waiting for them to work for my mind to wake up, and that’s assuming it ever does. Which there is no guarantee of, sometimes I go to sleep with my mind just as sluggish and impaired as it was when I woke up.

All this along with exacerbated mental health difficulties caused by my physical circumstances. And despite all that, despite everything I just said, I worry about going out in public with cotton taped to my glasses to reduce the pressure on my head. I feel guilt on not being able to wash dishes, or clean my room, or clean myself. There’s more but I don’t have the strength to recount them.

There is also an element of social and societal pressure to the desire to meet these standards and perform these actions. There is rarely a sole applicable cause for such things. And I intended to vent about some of those when I sat down to write this post. But what I found coming out instead was my own desires, my own wants. Grief not for what has been done to me, but for what I can no longer do for myself.

I feel an urge to end this on some hopeful note. To be clear I have not given up hope, I still aspire to one day be healthier and happier. But to put too much of a nice spin on this would be disingenuous. Right now life is hard for me, excruciatingly hard. And my main solace is that there are no guarantees in life. I was never guaranteed healthiness and happiness. But neither am I guaranteed pain and misery. So I will do as I have done. Endure as best I can, and wait for something to change.

[grandpatato]

8/21/23

I had a tumble before that I used just for writing… then an ex asked to see it and then it became more commercial. It was part of the mask and less of my depth. I did, occasionally, vent. anyway, I made a new account and I like how private this is again. The past few years… maybe the past 5 years have been too much for me. I want to write letters to those who o have lost and allow myself to feel the part that feels like a victim… I know I’m not one but I’m no less a victim than they claim to be… and that makes me mad. I want to be the bigger person. Take accountability and put my feelings on the back burner… but I was blamed and abandoned in both situations without the respect of even a conversation. I justify (gaslight myself) with people outgrow each other… but there is hate here and I don’t feel I did anything to deserve hatred.

Murphy,

honestly, fuck you. You act like a victim. Granted, you were one. Izzy’s victim. Not mine. I was there for you through all that. Defended you through all of it. Heard you talking shit about me and still had your back. We cut ties once before and when I took accountability and apologized (even though you were the reason we stopped talking) you had the nerve to say, “you’re lucky you reached out when I needed someone.” Funny, I should have known you’d drop me the moment you had other support. Still, your reasons are bullshit and you can shove them up your ass. No actually communication just high emotion reactions. Really? You’re going to block me for hanging out with your husband… who had been my best friends (at the times) friend for years… who was also hanging out with us… and you literally begged me to hangout with him so he wouldn’t commit suicide?! I couldn’t fucking stand izzy and all I ever did was defend you and attempt to hold him accountable. Then you accused me of fucking him!? Did you never fucking know me?! You hurt me, too, man. I knew you were going through something but I was barely functioning. Diagnosed with a skin disease that is inevitable I’ll get skin cancer so I was a little fucked up on my own… but you weren’t there for me either. Instead you made it like I’m some fucking villain for doing exactly what you asked… telling me when we did actually talk that I was never there done you… kind you I gave you rides everywhere that I could… oh, but that only applies when you need something from someone else and to look pathetic in order to get people to do shit for you… right. Cause that’s not abusive, right? I’m still hurt. I’m still angry. And I still love you for some reason. I wish you well and I’m happy that you are. I ask the universe allow you the opportunity to live a life out of the survival mode that causes you to feel so miserable and like a victim in order to manipulate those around you. I ask that you be granted enough self love to stop blaming everyone outside of you. You deserve happiness and love. Act like it.

Armon,

all I have to say is I guess I saw it coming. I know you cared for me but I definitely started to feel like you were moving on. Even before we lived together. You were coming more into yourself and I didn’t fit there. Who knows why. I do see my mistakes and wish I wasn’t in survival and had the courage to do what I needed to do or to communicate more respectfully everything I was going through. I was losing my shit and you were my only person and I lost respect for you and I watched you lose respect for me. I wish you were able to see ME through it cause i was doing everything I could to stay afloat and losing everyone and everything. I resented you, but I know a lot of it is my fault. I wish you’d just talk to me… you lack the same courage I did and it sucks so much because I will always love you. My heart is broken and I know most of that was me, but you failed me, too.

[yyukhei]

Logging back into tumblr after a few months and oh how my heart broke when I came to your blog and saw the Lucasconfession tag. 😔

I miss him so much. He was such a joy to watch on and off stage. His laugh always made me laugh. His voice was always so calming and he was such a bright spot when things were stressful or I was struggling. What sucks now is that when I am struggling it gets hard to watch his old content because watching it makes me feel awful of what has happened to him. It makes me wonder where is he and when he’s going to come back and hope that whatever he’s doing and who he is with that he is happy and getting the support. I just want him to be able to do what he wants and prosper because everyone says he doesn’t work hard (laughable btw cause he was the one getting everyone else the opportunities) he has so much in him and what I love is that he is always so determined. He’s focused and he’s dedicated. His words too are always affirming. And even if he doesn’t come back as an entertainer I want him to do something he loves and just tell people who have been supporting him that hey he’s okay cause he’s Superman

And it makes me sad, disappointed and angry that I cannot stomach or look at anything of the group. I used to spend my money on their merchandise and I just want to keep the lucas parts now. It was difficult to say at first but I feel like the more I see the more I realize I don’t like them anymore. their behaviors since last year has made me questioned them a lot and I look at all of them differently now. yesterday a tweet popped up on my timeline because lumis were so angry that xj replied to a 6v (apparently that’s what they call themselves now 🙄) response and I’m not here for that. There always the whole “they can’t say anything cause of the company” line that a majority of these ot7 fans say but I don’t think a passive aggressive message from any of them of how we should be kind and respectful could hurt. Especially seeing so much racial hate and the slew of animal comparisons because of his skin and SEA side. it has always been evident that they follow social media so that makes me very disgusted. Idk I always believed idols set examples for their fans cause some of them do not think wisely or for themselves.

You probably didn’t sign up for me going to vent or bringing the group down and I’m sorry. Too much feelings on this and it really sucks to hold it all in. But thank you for allowing messages into your blog because it’s nice to still see Lucas support here. I feel like it’s just a small group now because I tried looking for another lucas blog called yukhellno and Im having trouble finding it. So I’m think they’re gone and that makes me sad too 🙁

I 100% signed up for everyone to vent, hence why I tag these #lucasconfessions haha

Thank you so much for sharing. Your feelings for Lucas are beautiful and valid. I'll answer the rest below the cut.

First, I'd like to say that you're not alone in wanting to be solely a Lumi. Plenty of OT7s felt the same way once the comeback was announced without him. It's not like it was unexpected. SM has ruined this fandom to the point I expected many people would decide they just don't have the heart to be involved in this comeback.

In my opinion, as long as someone is not an akgae (a toxic solo stan that wishes harm upon the other members), an anti (like ot22s are), or bashing any member really, then so be it. People have biases for a reason, and tons of fans only care about certain members but never say it. It's normal. It's just never okay to badmouth any other member, and constructive criticism like what you're saying about Yangyang is NOT badmouthing.

I get people want all the members to feel important, and as an ot23 I want that more than anything, but being a fan is not a being in a cult. You don't owe anyone anything and can stop being a fan anytime. If supporting a group isn't fun anymore, it makes sense to focus on other things. And NO ONE has the right to tell anyone what to spend their money on.

It reminds me of when Winwin and Ten got Covid and couldn't perform at an event a bit ago. OT6s started refunding their tickets because they were so upset. They wanted to hold off and spend that ticket money on a show with their bias(es) in it. Basically, the same people who demanded OT7s support every member equally are the same ones who canceled their tickets when their bias wasn't present. The only difference is that their biases were never Lucas so they'd never had to make that decision themselves before, and they ended up exposing their hypocrisy.

As for the Xiaojun situation. When he responded that they must be a new fan, I believe all he meant was that she wouldn't know they actually have 7 members. He's not allowed to correct them or mention Lucas. In a way, it's almost like he's saying "only a new fan would say W6yV". I don't think there was anything malicious. There's been plenty of evidence the rest of the members have been in consistent contact with him. The boys likely get scolded anytime they imply anything about him, and they already had to wait so long for a comeback (which is now delayed even further bc of the mourning period) that they're just trying to make the best of the situation.

I think it is also important to remember that Lucas is not innocent himself when it comes to insulting others. He's called Kun fat before and made other insensitive, ignorant comments. We can't pretend he's a saint.

As for Laura (formerly @yukhellno), her url is now @babeseungmin. She's still around and still loves Lucas. So no worries.

[heartshapedcreaturefromcriptoon]

The deal with my deer tail: Continued from the last tagged post (MENTIONS OF EX’S AND OHS OFF THE PORT BOW).

Like, I’m very painfully aware that this is %200 a trauma/coping thing that I’ve developed for myself now because deer were … My exe’s absolute favorite animal of all time ever and he associated with them deeply in regards to certain aspects of his personality and hobbies and this kinda plays a little bit into why I was attracted to him in the first place because it was such unique interest for someone to have and then ….Of course his favorite film ever was “Bambi” like, to the point of having the plushies and the original ORIGINAL book by Felix Salten along with it’s original sequel book and everything and it’s like …So odd for me because I live right by the woods in the middle of nowhere anyway and not a day goes by without discussion of these creatures in my house or without an offer to go “deer spotting” or “Bambi Spotting”… And I don’t have much room to say “no” because who would say “no” to deer sighting so I typically just go along with as if it doesn’t effect me because I have no choice…..  And anyway outside of my home life I know tumblr typically loves deer and deer aesthetics as well and while I thought I’ve been trying to go out of my way to avoid this particular animal (at least on social media if I’m unable to in my home life) for the longest time because I associate them so deeply with my ex … Because deer were *HIS* thing … I’m slowly coming to terms with this creeping realization that I’ve had that I’ve not only been surrounded by the actual animal since before I met him …. But I’ve also just … Been surrounded by just …. All these deer characters and deer aesthetic since he left me…. And that also hurts me ….Because ….Since he’d been trying to find ways to get back in contact with me for the better part of the decade yearly since then, without ever apologizing, and since 2017 I’ve only had two years without receiving something from him in order to fully process how he’d been in my life for a near full decade like, wether I wanted  him to be or not … That sort of just … devolved into this odd habit of me projecting unto certain characters with these kind of aesthetics and relationship dynamics to help cope because he never gave me anything else and it’s weird because I started to seek out these things and look at them in context to my relationship with this person and I just felt ….. bittersweet but okay because I would think of him and I would think of the way that he used to make me feel and feel and I would feel sad but because of the nature and narrative that I was projecting toward I would also feel comforted in a way and validated and calm? Which is also the way I’d start to feel whenever I’d see an actual deer or mention of deer or even see clips or concept art from “Bambi” or a baby deer …

But ………

So back in 2018, just a couple days after what would have been one of our “anniversaries” had past, and I hadn’t even keeping track of how many at that point but like, basically something happened that triggered me into a remember the time that in 2013 he had found my tumblr and followed me without warning, context or permission, without even speaking to me after finding me the year before this just to let me know how much he couldn’t care less about me, apparently ….. which, sure, Jan.

But … This time he was freaking me out because he was just following me silently on a blank account out of nowhere and I kind of managed to find what could’ve been considered my first ever girlfriend within the six months to a year that he’d been out of my life and it is me and this new girl had only “official” for 3 days after like, 6 months of slow burn flirting with each other and then this other cowardice arsehole who didn’t even have the dignity to speak to me proper was … Someone who had known for me for 3 years and someone whom I had once shared the most intimate parts of myself with.

In short I could already foresee this becoming a pattern after he’d managed to contact me the last time so I ended up breaking down and having a panic attack.

I didn’t know what to do and I felt sick to my stomach and I didn’t want him putting me in a spot, so…  I made a screen cap and a post and kind of explaining who he was and how he hurt me and how I didn’t want him hurting my girlfriend or anyone else so just PLEASE don’t talk to him etc. And then I blocked him and threw up. And would-be-girlfriend blocked me the next day because of this…

A couple weeks later around New Years, I decided to log into the old hotmail account that I had just because I was curious….

The first email that he sent me was to let me know that he was going to follow me on tumblr and he was asking how my Christmas was and inquiring how I was doing, he wanted to know if I was “fine”. His version of pet names all included as if nothing had gone wrong between us ….

The next three emails, sent within minutes of each other, each only sentences long, were all responding to my reaction to his following me on tumblr without a word, without context, and seemingly without context …. These emails all of which I did not end up saving or screen caping because…. I’m pretty much 99% freaking. Percent. SURE! That he stated something passively along the lines of: “ If I REALLY wanted to *BLANK* , I would have done so… >.>” cause I distantly remember his little side eye emoji that he placed after the words “done so”  and like, it’s really easy to kind of place the words “HURT YOU” in the middle of that, because that’s what I was talking about him doing in context, which would lead to at least vaguely remembering this in a full sentence as: “If I REALLY wanted to hurt you, I would have done so … >.>”

So yes, I’m at least 99% sure that he had threatened me, like that …  

And of course I didn’t respond, but I do remember feeling threatened enough that it made my heart race and it made me cry and I needed to ask my mom for champaign to calm and I also remember that the whole reason why I didn’t save those emails was because if I did it would make the threat real and would need to tell my parents and I just didn’t want to think of him that way or what he’d meant by that and because this was already becoming a pattern, I didn’t want to spend another entire year of being paranoid he was planning something …

And he also kept going about what a nice guy he was and told me to have a nice life and told me he was gonna check up on me anymore and said that I treated him like shit …

So I just took a sip of my champaign, told myself I’d see him in a year, and deleted his emails… This was in 2013.

In 2014, I caught him spying on me through the visitors page of an account I’d already gone out of my way to block him on, and I noticed that, even though it been two years, he still had the icon that I had personally picked out for him as his avatar, an odd memory to keep from someone you claim to not care about, constantly ….

In 2015,  he sent me a silent skype request…

In 2016.. He found my tumblr again …Actually saying something where I could access it this time … He sent me like, 7 IM’s and for the most part was back to being nice as pie, back to his version of calling me pet names and everything …  claimed that he just wanted to say Hello …

He said that we could talk someday if I wanted to and that it was up to me … I still didn’t answer, because for one this was past midnight on Friday The 13th and when I saw that I had 7 IM’s and a new follower I just …. I got this sinking gut feeling that I knew that it was him and then I told myself that I was being paranoid again and that he couldn’t possibly because I’d already blocked him and so I opened up the messages just to prove to myself that I was wrong and got met with his username and a single smiley face emoji like:

:)

“:)” Was the first thing I saw when I opened his messages…

And I immediately closed them out again and I closed tumblr out and I just sat there …. for awhile … Because the last thing he did say to me verbally was to threaten me and tell me that I treated him like shit …  And I had no way of knowing what could be behind that smiley face …

But I needed to know … So I opened the messages and read them …

And that’s when he went back to being as nice as his own pie recipe and seemingly pretending like those emails and the spying didn’t happen …

Like, I don’t know if he knew I knew about them, but I have an inkling he must’ve otherwise he wouldn’t have been that cocky … “:)” is not a friendly smiley face, nor will it ever be.

And in the middle before all that he was like: “Let’s hope you don’t bite my head off this time …. xD” referring back to only the 2013 incident when I said something indirectly and that scared away the girl I was about to maybe start something with, again as if that didn’t happen ….

So, I didn’t answer him, because he didn’t earn it.

So like yeah, back in 2018, due to …. certain contexts of certain things which would also lead into me having anticipated myself getting caught up in an over abundance of people’s appreciation for deer, due to something that I not mention, I’d also been triggered/hit with a sharp realization that, October 27th, 2019 would have been the 10 year anniversary of having met that person in the first place, if he hadn’t discarded me after 3 years and then spent like, the better part of the decade trying to get in contact with me, upon the deeper realization that, even as of now, I’ve only really officially had this person out of my life for two years, and on top of that, he’d still find a way of showing up in my life Every. Single. Year. For the past four years. And now I would have to be dealing with an over abundance of deer and ‘Bambi’ references and puns, even more so than I obviously did and still do now, in my home life…

So my reaction was to laugh. REALLY fucking hard. And then I realized that deer might actually just…. LEGIT be my trigger always and then I started crying laughing cause I was just like “OH dear GOD… (and I can’t even like, say that that or type that without it already being a pun without it being a pun …which only makes it FUNNIER …) I might LEGIT have Bambiphobia!”

And then I broke down. Because I didn’t know how to feel about this or how I was gonna deal with it.

I’m still figuring out how I feel about this and how I’m dealing with it ….

My ex  …. Was….He wasn’t a very complex boy but, he had always been more ,… In touch with things like femininity and sensitivity, or at least made a show of it, but I’d like to think he was genuinely like that considering what his interests were and he might’ve been autistic too just, looking back on things in context?

(His absolute FAVORITE music to listen to was also Owl City and he loved Adam Young, and considering Adam Young is self diagnosed and my ex’s special interest in deer, and Bambi and the books and the plushies and the the way he could just …talk and talk to me about anything for hours and hours and hours and we’d never we’d never get tired of each other…. I’ve just been doing all this math in my head I’m not trying to imply anything bad about these things and they all play into factors of why I was originally attracted to him to begin with).

He openly identified as Bisexual before I even knew what that was for myself and still kind of considered myself “Straight but not Narrow TM” or whatever kind of definition I saw on Television.

He wrote poetry as a hobby and of course knew how to play the piano while I did none of those things.

He was 17 when I met him but due to cultural difference of where he lived… he enjoyed wine and opera.

He was extremely well spoken and charming and articulate, and he also loved Mr. Rodger’s and Albert Einstein to the point of just having just … One big black and white poster of Albert in his room and one time, he was going on about his admiration for Rodger’s and so innocently told me how he intended to write and send him fan-letters one day and then reasonably became extremely upset when I informed that Rodger’s passed away, and I felt even more so helpless to comfort him when he asked me if I could tell him a little bit more about Rodger’s life to make him feel better and I knew absolutely nothing about the man aside from vaguely remembering that I used to watch his show when I was small …

So yeah my ex’s personality could essentially be summed up as: “ Eccentric, Silly “Smart” boy”, if I needed to …

He once excused himself when I told him that I needed to eat soon and came back, all decked out in a tuxedo to “have dinner together”, and I was about to eat a taco…

This one time he noticed that I was super uncomfortable and upset because I just watched this disgusting ableist film that had like incest in and shit and I didn’t wanna tell him but he got it out it out of me and HE KNEW WHAT FILM I WAS TALKING ABOUT AND THEN WANT ON BIG RANT AND ESSAY ABOUT HOW VILE IT WAS AND HOW I SHOULD PAY IT NO MIND AND AFTERWARDS HE WAS LIKE: “You know what? We need some music to wash the taste out of our mouths…” and then he just started playing the piano to calm me down further.

And I’m only saying it like this because incase no one has noticed it’s been a little bit more… Confusing? For me to try and throw a man like this into everyone’s typical “FuckBoyTM” box and call that “Healing”.

I wouldn’t even wanna put labels on him …  

I genuinely feel as though I would need to think back to olden times in order to find a way to insult him that would accurately combat and deconstruct the amount of passion we brought out in each other, if it is appropriate to speak of my feelings for him in this context.

His mistreatment of women that he did not like …. Left much to be desired in regards to his attitude. Though his comments were mostly reserved for his half sister, my half sister, and fictional characters and I’m not bringing this up to try and say that this was justified or frame it into a: “Well, he never did that to ME sort of picture …” Though, the odd thing is that, for all the things that my younger self had shared with him, after his abandonment, ever year for four years I’d kept on waiting for the shoe to drop and for him to call me names and slurs and for the verbal abuse to finally commence and he just …

He wouldn’t do any of that. He never did. Not once. Not even during times he would get angry with me when we were together.

So when HE DID, lose his patience with me, he never resorted to name calling, so when he said and did things that hurt me, that he should’ve known better for doing, that meant he was really fucking harsh ….

So harsh, that one night….. It would be the final night I’d ever thought I’d speak to him again. Or at least begin to test him to see if he would come back and apologize and therein lies the the issue: HE ALWAYS came back, HE NEVER apologized.

Perfect. Gentleman. (Of course I’m using sarcasm).

Seriously, you know that new chat post about Male Victorian Novel Protagonist has fucked by his Lady Love and Knows This, BUT is Too Proud to admit this though still pines for her so when he speaks to her now he just: *sweats*…Is your family in good health?

Legit triggers my PTSD cause for the past four years with me it’s been just: Hey mate. Wanted to see how your X-mas was. Is your family okay? Are you fine? I’ve got some time off… Okay fine, I won’t check on you anymore, it’s not like I still love you or anything, baka! >.<  *cue two more  years of silent bating before* Hey kiddo you doing okay? I know it’s late but my days off today and if you wanna talk someday you can I’ll leave you alone now! :)

Like I know I’m paraphrasing but that’s pretty much it (and I know I know I’m sorry for the “baka” joke, but he WAS a huge otaku nerd to a certain extent and all the anime that I would watch before I really started interacting with AMV editing community on YouTube was recommended him so needless to say I do not watch Anime so much anymore but I couldn’t resist making a “baka” joke in my own mind while reading his poorly veiled passive aggression and it’s written down and out of my system how I’m gotten to properly share one of the ways I’ve teased him for this if only in my own mind.

The thing that makes me feel weird/guilty about all this though is despite his behavior suspicious as shenanigans, he’d only ever attempt close contact once per year (as far as I know) and as far as I know aside from that one time I’d caught him spying on an art group from an account I’d already blocked him on which I don’t really know how he found (which okay, still a little shaken up about that one every time I type about it) his way of always popping up in my life somehow never really strayed from his ordinarily open way of trying to do it, and he’d never verbally abuse me or call me names or slurs while this was happening, despite how condescending or ominous he was while trying to get a razzle out of me …

MEANWHILE, because I let him get a razzle out of me, no matter how long ago it was before I found cpunk, I ended up deliberately calling him an extreme ableist slur just to send him away from away from me, over what was nothing more than a silly misunderstanding and classic case of miscommunication because I couldn’t see his first email and didn’t think to check before I went off on him, regardless if the misunderstanding could’ve been prevented if he communicated directly or not.

And I was too caught up in my reaction to him choosing being ominous and condescending when once he finally decided to try to speak to me again after two years of silent lurking after the last time he tried to speak to me he passively threatened me, that I didn’t get to take back the use of my ableist language toward when I had the chance. Which is the only thing that I’d ever apologize for before his, if he ever gave me one, and of course not conditionally for the both of us.  

My ex’s most sensitive spot has always been his mental health and I’ve always known this because I found out once in the early stages of our relationship when we were roleplaying and I went a little too far with my character, so that’s in 2013 when I panicked I decided to say something…like that to upset him in hopes that he would leave me alone but I was really more hurt than I was scared and I would have confronted him directly but again I had a putting it quite bluntly flakey rebound “girlfriend” at the time and I had no idea where she was and I was freaking out and I didn’t want him putting me in a spot and I didn’t know what would happen if he left me alone. And this was at a time when I was taking the “stealth” mode about being disabled. Partially because of him (Gee I WONDER what could’ve happened).

The only person who knew this about me, very intimately (not intimately enough), was him and of course at the time I would NEVER tell my silly abled-bodied brit of a rebound girlfriend.

So, I did what I did and I said what I said.

At the time I only became slightly afraid when I read his reaction in those emails, and then the next year when I caught him spying on already blocked account and the blocking system worked both ways so I had no way of confronting him about it even if I wanted to ether way.

Though, I was admittedly slightly comforted knowing that he never changed the icon I’d picked out for him ….enough to kinda calm me down a bit…… Is that weird of me? It was weird of him.

Now because of this trigger and the context of certain things as to WHY this was such a strong trigger and in context of certain things that we both said… and in regards of the way he handled trying to get back in contact with me for four years and responded to the one reaction he got out of me and proceeded to continue the pattern for 3 years when he couldn’t just used that time to apologize like I’d been waiting for him to do and meanwhile I’m still… confused  and guilty … because the first and final reaction he ever got out of me was …that.

For the past year now…. I haven’t been able to stop myself from crying and I just don’t feel like I can let it be like this anymore because I already felt awful about everything before but relating everything in context of the trigger which is another case where I could actually use it help cope is just making me feel so much worse.

What makes this even worser though is that this particular trigger is not only very popular and very public and with this substantial involvement of deer and deer aesthetics and then certain aesthetics  and even names …. That I feel like only the two of us would get that it’s just ouch… But like, this thing is also interconnected with Owl City, like not officially but in it’s own way? Which is one of the first things that I thought of once I let the trigger settle because one of the FIRST questions that my ex asked me the day that I met him was wether or not I liked Owl City and I had never even heard of them before so I looked them up and my heart melted and I just knew I had to keep this God Damn Fucking Ray Of Sunshine in my miserable life and never let him go….

And I like to think obviously that the tables must have turned a little bit since then which is another part of what makes using my triggers as coping mechanisms if I can, so cathartic and funny to me and why people can pry this method from my hysterical hands …..

But what I’m getting at here making the Owl City mention even though I hadn’t had myself listen to a single Goddamn thing of theirs for 7 years up until this FREAKING. YEAR (because the tears were already flooding, my honey’s, so I figured MIGHT AS WELL! And yes I did end up crying my eyes out like I knew that would happen if I’d ever let myself listen to Adam Young ever again …) is that… This this thing….. That I love….. Is also a thing my ex would love ….And the reason that all my projectional coping mechanisms work so well is because the dynamics that remind me of our relationship tend to work both ways and is probably part of the reason how I was able to keep (at least reasonably) calm through the 4 years he kept tabs on me was because I felt like I had this very specific trope-y outlet to project my feelings onto and I know that he was a nerd so, if he was … paying attention and absorbing the same media I was …(he would’ve already learned how to apologize…)

No, but seriously, the difference is with THIS media though… Is because it has so many ties to so many of his own aesthetics and things he enjoys …..I just know ….. That he was seeing exactly what I was seeing. I was DREADING the concept of knowing that I was going to fall in love with this thing from the very beginning and it got to the point where I’d be reminded of certain elements I’d forgotten or I’d see certain things play-out for the the first time and, my breath would hitch in my chest …. and I feel guilty (You cannot be attracted to this you cannot be attracted to this you cannot be attracted to this. Not THIS time. Not again. Never again.  Stop it …. Stop it…Stop it.  Because ether way this is bad. This is terrible. This is going to be by far the WORST one because you know it involves the actual THING now for both you instead of just elements of the thing why are you subjecting yourself to this?!  You know he’s seeing this right now….If he watched the Owl City thing that we’re not watching, then he’s watching this. And YOU shouldn’t be watching this ether!

And so, I would discipline myself to disassociate: You will NOT project THAT relationship onto these two characters, they haven’t even interacted yet!

And then …. that happened. They interacted. And it obviously felt so much worse then…. I prepared myself two seconds in for how it was gonna play out. But I wasn’t prepared that it would end ….or even be that close to home. And then I reminded myself that he was probably watching the same thing that I was, as I’ve always done because it was fun being reminded I was right, my only solace really because projecting myself through these characters was the closest I’d ever get to an apology, but the time that the first viewing was over, everything just felt so wrong and I just felt so uncomfortable about everything and I started to cry cause I knew my reactions to this dynamic were gonna be the most intense from here on out and ………I was so confused and afraid of my own emotions at that moment… And I was feeling a lot of them.  

What concerned me the most here though,  was being almost certain of the fact that that, if I was watching and it triggered a reaction, HE was most likely watching and it triggered a reaction.... And given the context of the trigger that I’m talking about .... I mean, if it hit close enough to send me into a freaking emotional whiplash and make ME breakdown and make cry and make sick enough to tell my parents and they didn’t even care ... because they said that they already “knew”...(not even discussing the fact that a year later, I would be assaulted by the one man in my family who should have never been the one to guide me through something so awkward but who “helped” me through this emotionally but, again would beat me a year later while my useless mother watched and laughed and would tell me it was it was my fault and I would end briefly removed from my home because of this because he’d left me with bruises and a permeant physical scar    ... over food) 

...then, I can’t help but think of how my ex would ....Ether be absolutely disgusted with himself or... be... very entertained by all of this. Or both. I know I’ve been both.

And oh, remember all that emotional whiplash I just mentioned in the above paragraph? Well it’s only gotten worse as time went on. Right now I’d say it’s at it’s peak.

Funny this thing is ....I’d been trying to fight back against this temptation to reach out to my ex since this whole thing started and like .... Once we were well into 2019 I just .... realized that fighting this wasn’t going to work anymore if certain circumstances were going to be what they were and things ended up cutting so close to what I feared that it almost doesn’t matter anyway and it still hurts me just as much if not now more so, because of other certain happenings that I will not mention.  

And now I can openly admit why the entirety of 2019 has just felt like a ticking time bomb to me. Like of course there are plenty of other factors adding into why .... I’ve been preparing to go through with reaching out to him now but ,like... My paranoia has been like, trying to tell me that this has all just been one big long game or a test and has been making me feel as though he had somehow pre-planned this all and is he currently anticipating me contacting him before 2019 is over.   

And that notion is driving me just as bananas as the idea of actually letting myself go through with contacting him.

So I might as well.

I mean ....

Our relationship was taken extremely seriously by the the both of us for the most part... up until the end.

And we were technically each others first times. 

We weren’t even dating, really... I just refer to him as my “ex” to make things less complicated..... But for those three years.... We were each others partners....In a way. It just makes things easier to say He Vas My Boyfriend.

I’m suggesting it that would make sense if he would want to try getting back in contact with me and check on me but feel shy and not know how to make it better since he’d have to understand how he fucked up that badly. And for a time... he was the only one who kept extending the invitations for contact.

At least this way I can check to see if he’s okay. 

Everything is so fucked up. I know this.

Though Christmas might be the right time to except his last open invitation, all things considered.

I would’ve originally had more time to plan this out had it not been for everything that happened.

My coping mechanisms are as bitter as wormwood and as sharp as a doubled edge sword. 

I’m just a creature. That’s it. I cannot change this.

I might not be online for a while.

Another Friday the 13th.

Well fancy that.

[sinfullyrosey]

Warnings: Sexual Punishment, Mild Bondage, Gags, Reference to Spanking, Dom!Vil

I’m too lazy to write this as a full-fledged fic right now, but imagine after listening to Epel vent to you about how hard Vil’s been on him lately, you decide to get revenge on his behalf. So, the next time you and Vil are together and being intimate, you cover his whole neck and shoulders in hickies. You knew how much he prided himself on his appearance and how much he disproved of you leaving hickies where anyone could see them, so this was the perfect opportunity to knock him down a peg (and hopefully be too distracted to bother Epel).

What you didn’t count on was just how angry Vil would actually be.

So now you’re on his bed, tied up and gagged, with a vibrator shoved deep into your hole and buzzing away on that sweet spot of yours. You’re moaning and whining, trying to beg your apology through the gag and tearing up at the overstimulation. At first he denied you any release, edging you until you were crying, but now he won’t let up and you’ve orgasmed at least three times now.

To make matters worse, he’s been sitting at his vanity, lecturing you the whole time while he worked to cover up the big, purple marks you left on his skin. Occasionally, he’d look away from the mirror to send a glare your way and turn up the setting on the vibrator if a particular hickey was giving him trouble, making you squeal and buck into the air in response.

You felt relief when you saw he had finally finished and stood up, believing your punishment was finally over. Except, you watched as he opened a drawer and pulled something out, that something caused your eyes to widen and body to start squirming.

In his hands was a wooden paddle.

His expression was one you were all too familiar with; one he only held when he was in an especially disciplinary mood. He wasn’t done with you yet, oh no, he was just getting started. You whimpered as he lifted your legs up and out of the way, leaving your bare bottom exposed to what he was about to do.

“Since you seem to think it’s okay to leave bruises on me, then I guess you wouldn’t mind me leaving a few on you, hm?”

You weren’t able to sit down for a few day after that, but at least he seems to have eased up on Epel for the time being, so you still count it as a win.

[winter-soldier-vibes]

You Aren’t Somebody? (Bucky x Reader)

Bucky x reader

Word count: 2647

Summary: Bucky knows that the reader has struggled with an eating disorder before, but thought they were doing better. Little does he know, they had just gotten better at hiding it. Until one night, he catches her doing something she had promised she had stopped

Warnings: eating disorder, purging, angst, fluff

Tags @abitgryffindorky @buckys2thicc @thatfangirl42 @buckfics @barnesplums @mardema @stucky-on-spiderman @thundering-barnes

Main Masterlist

A/N: It’s finals week and I am running on energy drinks, reading fanfiction, and longgggg hot showers. But the semester is almost over, and then I have no obligations aside from my hobbies. I see the requests and I’m working on them I promise! I have a list of all the requests that I get, and I am working through them I PROMISE!!! Thank you all for all of your support.

A/N 2: This deals with heavy and dark themes of mental illness. The specific warnings are above. If you feel that in any way reading this will be harmful to your mental health and your journey, PLEASE skip it. I write from my own experience and I know what I would’ve wanted to hear in these situations, and writing/reading fics helps me feel comforted. This fic is based on one experience more specifically than most of my fics, so I apologize if it’s not exactly the same as your experience. This is what I would’ve wanted to hear. If you need or want someone to talk to, vent to, or get advice from, feel free to message me, really. I’m here! <3

------------------------------

Bucky was standing in front of you, blocking the door. His piercing blue eyes were locked on you, your own refusing to meet his. 

He wanted answers that you were not ready to give.

“Y/n, please. I just want to talk about this”

“There’s nothing to talk about, Bucky.”

He looked you up and down. Your hair was in a messy bun, a few loose strands sticking to your tear stained cheeks. Your eyes were puffy, and your face was red, voice raspy. He took a deep breath. “You told me you would tell me if it was getting bad again.”

“You promised.”

You closed your eyes. He wasn’t wrong, you had promised. But that was because you never thought you’d see the day when you were purging again. You thought you had gotten over it. You really thought that this time you wouldn’t slip up.

------------------

You had been struggling with an eating disorder for a while. The cause, you weren’t quite sure. An innocent diet soon turned into a competition for yourself, but the end goal was never there. At first you had thought it was just about the weight and how you looked, but then you found that some of your behavior patterns were tied to your emotional ones. 

Stress was the major trigger, you had come to learn.

Whether it was a mission gone wrong, you getting injured, someone else getting injured, or even just basic social interactions you thought could’ve gone better, you found yourself inclined to comfort yourself with food. 

Until you panicked, which would lead you to the bathroom with music blaring and water running to cover up the noises of your retching. 

You hated it, and every time you told yourself it was the last time. But the more you did it, the more you felt the urge to do it. At first it was triggered by large stressors, but now smaller things could trigger you to want to throw up. You tried to keep it hidden, unaware of the true reasons for why you did it. You were able to help yourself sometimes, it wasn’t worth bringing anyone else into. 

You couldn’t explain it to yourself, so how were you supposed to explain it to anybody?

The best way that you had figured out how to describe it was that whenever you felt a negative emotion, you could soothe it in a physical way with food, especially with all the warm comfort foods that are known. But at the same time, that feeling lasted as long as you could taste, and you would feel guilty as you felt full. When you threw up, it felt like you were also throwing up the negative emotions. 

But when you said it out loud, it didn’t make sense. When people are sick and throwing up it’s one of the most uncomfortable feelings ever. Inducing it hurts sometimes, but it’s almost not as bad. Like you know it’s coming, and you’re in control of what’s happening and you could stop at any point. And there had been times where you could soothe yourself in other ways, and you knew your own physical limits. You knew when you had to stop for your own health.

Until you couldn’t stop.

Which is what led to you fainting on a mission after purging too much. Your electrolytes had bottomed out and you almost had a heart attack at an age no one should. Bucky, your boyfriend who was on the mission with you, had put it together when the first words out of your mouth upon gaining consciousness were “Is this a glucose drip?” while tugging at the IV.

He hadn’t been mad, not exactly. He wasn’t mad at you but he was furious with himself for not noticing, and for making you feel as though you couldn’t tell him. You assured him that you did trust him, but he wished you had come to him before you could’ve gotten yourself, and those on the mission, seriously hurt or killed. 

Nonetheless, you still didn’t know how to talk about it.

“Can you try to tell me about it?” he asked gently, running a hand through your hair. He held you to his chest, you unable to meet his eyes.

“It won’t make any sense,” you had said, tears glazing your eyes.

“I want to understand. Can you help me understand?”

You paused for a moment. “It’s a long story and I don’t know where to start. There’s so much going wrong.” you had said, tears beginning to streak down your face.

“I have all the time for you. And it doesn’t have to make sense, these things rarely do. I’m not here to judge you, I’m here to listen.”

And true to his word, he had. He had listened and held you while you tried to talk about what you could. He didn’t understand everything, he naturally had a ton of questions, but they weren’t for that moment. He had promised to help you the best that he could, and you had promised to try and tell him whenever you felt the urges get too strong. And if you couldn’t, to tell him after.

It was easier to talk to Bucky than anyone else. Not because he was your boyfriend, but because he seemed to understand you more than anyone else could. He had his own share of mental health struggles. Neither of you knew exactly what the other was going through, but you both understood that it was easy to feel alone and guilty even though you couldn’t control it. 

It was rough, but he was never mad. He was sometimes firm, and sometimes you had gotten angry with him. Only to later apologize to him with tears in your eyes. He was never mad with you. He understood that this was something internal. Upon research he had done and conversations he had had with Bruce, he understood that this had nothing to do with him. Some people thought eating disorders were about getting attention when it was one of the furthest things from the truth.

All he could do was love you and be there for you.

And to your surprise, talking about it did help.it took a long time, months, of long and hard conversations, panic attacks, slip ups, and really dark days. But it got to the point where Bucky felt that you were doing better, making an effort to tell you how proud he was and how much he loved you. 

And you were doing better, in a way. But you had been slipping up more recently, and you hadn’t told Bucky. You didn’t know how. After going the longest you’d ever had between slip ups, you found yourself retching over the toilet. You would have gone to Bucky but he had been away on a mission that was extended a few days. You couldn’t interrupt him because your feelings were too much to handle. People needed his help more than you did.

You were going to tell him, but he had been so tired when he had come back. He needed his time to relax, and it wasn’t the right time to tell him. And the next day when he was rested, you felt that it was irrelevant. Any negative feeling you had felt the day before had since past, and you didn’t see the point in bringing it up today. It would worry Bucky, he wouldn’t want to go on missions, and you weren’t going to do that to him. Besides, it was just one time.

Right?

You soon found yourself purging when Bucky wasn’t around. If he had gone out with Steve, if he was on a mission, or if he was down in the gym you found yourself taking more opportunities to give into your urges. It wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been, but you were spiraling. But at this point you had been slipping up so many times, you had been so secretive about it. 

It would kill Bucky inside to know that you were hiding this from him again. He would feel like you didn’t trust him. You trusted him with your life.

You just didn’t want to let him down. Not again, not when he had explicitly told you to come to him and you had been blatantly ignoring that.

You wanted to tell him, you did. But you couldn’t let him being so proud of you be based on a lie.

One day you were hunched over the toilet, legs sahking and tears streaming down your face from exertion. Bucky was away on a mission, so you didn’t even bother with the music or the water. What you hadn’t anticipated was him coming back hours earlier than he should’ve

The mission had gone much more smoothly than anticipated, which everyone was happy about. Bucky was glad he would get a few more hours with you. He had gone up to your shared room and let himself in, surprised to see you weren’t there. But then he heard you coughing from behind a closed bathroom door.

He felt like someone had punched him in the gut. You had been doing so well, what had happened?

He walked over to the door, knocking on it and calling out your name. He heard you muffle a small fuck before he knocked again.

“Y/n please, let me in.”

He heard the toilet flush and the sink turn on, you on the other side washing your face. You could feel the tears from exertion be replaced by ones of shame and embarrassment, biting your lip slightly. What the fuck were you going to tell him? 

When you finally turned off the water, you rubbed your face with a towel, sighing heavily into it. When you took it away, you looked long and hard at the doorknob. 

Bucky sighed on the other side of the door. “Y/n please. I’m not mad. We’ve been here before, I just wanna talk to you.”

You closed your eyes for a moment, taking a breath before you made your expression nuetral and opened the door. 

Bucky’s eyes immediately saddened when he took you in. your face was still red and there were tears in your eyes. You had tried to put up a front, he could tell that too. Sometimes you got angry with him because you didn’t want to be vulnerable. He was prepared because like he said - he’d helped you before.

Before he could say anything you crossed your arms. “You’re home early,” you said coldly.

“Y/n.” 

“How’d the mission go? Well, I assume.” you tried to slip past Bucky but he was blocking the door. 

Bucky took a deep breath. “Yeah, yeah, the mission went well.” He wanted to be gentle with you. “But how are you?”

You shrugged, trying to appear oblivious. “I’m fine,” voice wavering slightly as you looked away.

“Y/n please. You’re not fine. Can you tell me what happened?”

“The same thing that always happens” you said bitterly. “Something stupid comes up, I start feeling like shit about myself and I ignore it until I’m puking it up with everything else, alright? It’s the same story, different time, and now I have you looking at me all hurt just like I was worried about which is why I couldn’t tell you!” you exclaimed, eyes filled with anger and tears. Bucky looked at you as if you had just punched him in the face. He would’ve much preferred that you had.

“Y/n.”

You shook your head, trying to get through the door that he was blocking. “Bucky, just let me through the door, forget it.”

“Y/n just talk to me please, I -”

“JUST LET ME THROUGH THE GODDAMN DOOR.” You yelled, surprising Bucky. It had been a while since you had gotten this angry or defensive. But he stood his ground. Bucky was standing in front of you, blocking the door. His piercing blue eyes were locked on you, your own refusing to meet his. 

He wanted answers that you were not ready to give.

“Y/n, please. I just want to talk about this”

“There’s nothing to talk about, Bucky,” you said, feeling tears threatening to spill over. 

He took a deep breath. “You told me you would tell me if it was getting bad again.”

You closed your eyes and felt a pang in your stomach. “Bucky, I - “

“You promised,” he said, voice cracking.

You shook your head. “Why do I have to talk about this. It’s not like I’m hurting anybody” 

“You’re hurting yourself, y/n.” he said calmly.

You shook your head and narrowed your eyes slightly, tears falling. “That’s different Bucky, you know it is.”

“You aren’t somebody?”

You looked at him for a moment before a sob escaped your body, leaning on the counter for support as you brought a hand to your mouth. Bucky quickly came up behind you and pulled you into him, wrapping his arms around you. You started crying harder, embarrassed and ashamed. 

“I’m sorry Bucky, I didn’t know what else to do, I didn’t know how to tell you, I -”

“Hey it’s okay, it’s alright y/n, I’m here.” Bucky kept whispering reassurances in your ears, rubbing a hand up and down your back. 

After some time passed, you didn’t know how long, you were able to calm down enough to take some shaky breaths, hiding your red face in Bucky’s chest.

“When did this start happening again?” he asked softly

“I don’t know… few weeks at least, not really sure.”

He took a breath, trying to stay calm. A few weeks and he hadn’t suspected anything, and you were alone. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You were on a mission, I couldn’t interrupt that.”

“Why didn’t you tell me when I got back?” he pressed gently.

“You were so tired Bucky - ”

“Y/n.” he said more firmly.

You paused for a moment, knowing he wouldn’t take those answers. If they were truly the reason then you would’ve told him the next day or the day after, as soon as the opportunity came. There was more to why you waited, and Bucky knew that. 

“I didn’t want to disappoint you,” you whispered. 

You heard Bucky sigh. He was angry with himself, for not being approachable to you. All he wanted was to make you feel safe enough to come to him, and to hear that you hadn’t because you thought he had expectations for you crushed him. “Y/n, I told you you could tell me about this. When have I ever been disappointed or angry with you?”

“You haven’t. You were just so proud and I - I didn’t want to ruin that for you. I didn’t want to tell you that you were proud of a lie.”

“Hey, hey look at me.” Hesitantly you looked up to meet his eyes. “None of this was you lying. You put in the hard work day after day, and I told you I was here to support you. But I never did the work for you. You did that. I’m proud of you and I always will be because you’re a fighter. It’s okay to have bad days, it’s okay to slip up. It’s okay to need a little help too, and that’s what I’m here for. A slip up doesn’t erase all the hard work you’ve put in before. I’m proud of you for the progress you’ve made, and of the work you put in. This doesn’t change anything sweetheart.”

He pulled you back into his chest.

“I’ll always be proud of you.”

[dialovers-translations]

Diabolik Lovers DARK FATE ー Ruki Dark [Epilogue]

ー The scene starts in the guest room

Yui: ( ...My hand is still shaking. It hurts as well... )

( I...What have I done? I can’t believe I hit him. )

( ...But it’s my fault, right? I gave my blood to Shin-kun, despite claiming to love Ruki-kun... )

( No wonder he can no longer trust me. Even if it was out of pity, how could I have been so stupid? )

( ...I should apologize to Ruki-kun. I’ll say sorry and make my feelings clear once more. )

( That I’m with him because I love him. Because I want to be together. )

( He might not believe me, but at this rate the misunderstanding will neーー )

*SHATTER*

Yui: ...!? What was that sound just now...It came from outside...!?

*Grooowl*

Yui: I can hear the Wolves...! Are they closeby again, perhaps!?

Kou: M-neko-chan!

This way! Open the window!

Yui: Kou-kun!?

ー She opens the window

*Rattle*

Yui: How did you get down there!? I thought you were in the dungeon...!

Kou: I’ll explain that later! Now we just have to run! Jump down from the window!

Yui: Eh!?

Kou: Hurry up! Don’t worry, I’ll catch you!

*TIMESKIP*

ー The scene shifts to the outside

Yui: K-Kou-kun, wait...!

Kou: You can’t!

Yuma-kun and Azusa-kun are risking their lives making a fuss, so we have to use it as an opportunity to escape!

Yui: Making a fuss...? Then the loud noise I heard earlier was caused by the two of them?

Kou: Exactly! The plan’s for those two to turn the place upside down, giving me an opening to run away with you.

We did something similar in the past, you see. We were really lucky too since it went way better than expected!

Yui: Kou-kun, what about Ruki-kun!? He has to escape with us as well...!

Kou: No need to worry about him! I’m sure he’ll understand what we’re doing right away!

For now, getting you to safety is top priority! That’s my job! Understood?

Yui: ...Yeah, I understand!

( I’m sure they’ll be okay. I’ll have faith in them...In Ruki-kun. )

Kou: Let’s make haste then! We have to get away before they start chasing us!

*TIMESKIP*

ー The scene shifts to the Church

Yui: ( Kou-kun escorted me over here by my hand but... )

( I didn’t think I’d ever come back to this home. )

Kou: Hahー Geez. Thank god I’m a Vampire. If I couldn’t fly, my legs would be jelly by this point.

Yui: Kou-kun, why did we come here...? Shouldn’t we run to the Demon World?

Kou: Of course, I’d love to go all the way there right now.

However, if we head straight to the Demon World, they might predict that and get one step ahead of us. So it’s better to wait and observe how things unfold first.

That’s why Ruki-kun suggested we’d take shelter in a place where they’re unlikely to find us first, giving us some time to catch our breaths.

Yui: Ruki-kun did...?

Kou: Ever since we picked up those concerning rumors about the Wolves. We decided on all of this together beforehand. Coming up with a plan just in case.

Several different patterns depending on how things played out. So many of them, I really struggled to remember them all!

Yui: That many?

Kou: Yup. Ruki-kun is prepared for everything after all.

But you know, I think that just shows how badly he wanted to keep you safe.

Yui: ...

Kou: Hey. Have you been able to patch things up between the two of you since then?

Yui: ...No, not yet.

If anything, he might have grown to dislike me even more.

It’s my fault. It’s because my mind keeps wavering...

So I really can’t blame Ruki-kun for getting mad with me, or even hating me.

Kou: Eeh? No, no, there’s just no way! I can’t imagine he would ever hate you!

Yui: That’s not true...

Kou: Hmー ...Then let me switch it around. How do you feel? Do you hate Ruki-kun?

Yui: No, I obviously love him.

But...That’s exactly what makes it so painful. It’s hard to keep on loving someone...when you know they might not feel the same way.

Kou: M-neko-chan...

Yui: I’m sorry, Kou-kun...For venting to you about this.

Kou: No, it’s fine.

...Listen, M-neko-chan? I love both you and Ruki-kun very much.

Yuma-kun and Azusa-kun do as well. That’s why we want the two of you to find happiness together.

That being said, I don’t exactly know how I should cheer you guys on...

...

Yui: ...Kou-kun?

Kou: ...Well, I think that might not be needed in the first place.

I wouldn’t want to get in the way, so I’ll step out for a bit.

Yui: ( Get in the way...? )

ー Kou leaves the room

*Creaaak*

*Thud*

Yui: ( I wonder what got into him all of a sudden...? )

ー Someone enters the room

*Creaaak*

Yui: ( Huh? Did he come back? )

...Ah...

ー Ruki walks up to her

Yui: Ruki-kun...!

Ruki: ...

Yui: ...I’m glad.

Ruki: About what?

Yui: That you’re safe...I was worried since we ran away first.

Ruki: ...

Yui: ...Um, Ruki-kun. I know now might not be the best time but...Will you hear me out for a bit?

( I want to properly apologize to him. Even if he hates me...I will continue to love him. )

( I don’t want him to doubt my feelings for him. ...I want him to have faith in me. )

Ruki: ...Sure. I’ll listen.

Yui: Thank you.

I’m sorry...about what happened with Shin-kun.

Ruki: ...So you admit that you let him suck your blood?

Yui: Yeah...It’s the truth after all.

But you know, I didn’t let him because I wanted to have my blood sucked. I want you to understand that.

If there was one person I’d be willing to give every single drop of my blood...It would be you, and you only.

I’d never feel that way about someone else.

Ruki: ...

Yui: Ah, but don’t get the wrong idea!? That’s not why I’ve been with you up till now...!

I’ve got a proper reason for thatーー

Ruki: I’ve heard enough. Close your mouth.

Yui: Uu...

( I guess it’s too late to apologize now after all... )

Ruki: ...Haah. You really are unbelievable. 

ー Ruki gets down on his knees

Yui: R-Ruki-kun!? What are you doing...!?

Ruki: Can you not tell? I’m obviously repenting for my sins. (1)

Yui: R-Repenting...?

Ruki: You’re the daughter of a Priest, aren’t you? Yet you haven’t heard of the concept?

Yui: I mean, I do know what it means but...

( I didn’t think he’d get down on his knees...I have no idea how to react. )

Ruki: ...I never meant to hurt you.

However...When I saw the youngest Founder sucking your blood, something snapped inside of me.

I felt overwhelmed by jealousy...towards that man. I couldn’t stop those feelings of rage as I wondered what gave him the right to touch you.

When I imagined him stealing you away from me, I could not keep my composure. As a result, I ended up hurting you by saying those horrible things.

...Even though I’m the one who pushed you away first. I do think I acted like a fool.

...I truly regret it.

Yui: Ruki-kun...

Ruki: I know that I can’t undo the fact that I hurt you by simply apologizing like this.

However...I don’t want to let some other guy soothe your bleeding heart either.

Of course, I’m aware of just how selfish I sound right now...

I hurt you, doubted you, even made you cry...But will you forgive me regardless, Yui?

Yui: ...That’s not even an issue since I’m not mad in the first place.

I should apologize as well. ...Does your cheek no longer hurt?

Ruki: Don’t worry. That was way too light of a punishment for all the pain I caused you.

...Come here, Yui.

Yui: Nn...

Ruki: ...Nn...

Yui: ( His kiss is so sweet... )

( To be honest...I wanted him to touch me gently like this for the longest time. )

Ruki: ...Oi. He didn’t kiss you, right?

Yui: ...H-He didn’t!

Ruki: Heh...Good

Yui: ( ...Ruki-kun is the only one I’d allow to do this... )

Ruki: ...I didn’t think I’d end up kneeling down in front of you one day.

Yui: Fufu, it surprised me as well.

...Ruki-kun, I like you.

Ruki: ...Why say that all of a sudden?

Yui: I just wanted to properly get the message across. ...That I’m with you, because I love you.

Ruki: ...

...The same goes for me. I love you...Hence why I’m here with you.

Yui: ...!

Ruki: Why are you looking at me like that?

Yui: I-I mean...It’s the first time you’ve actually told me that straight-up.

Ruki: Really?

Yui: Yeah. So I’m really happy.

Ruki: ...Come here.

ー He embraces her

*Rustle*

Yui: ( It’s been a while since he hugged me as well. ...I feel safe in his arms. )

Ruki: I love you, Yui.

Yui: ( We’ve exchanged many words so far but...I feel like right now, our feelings finally got across to each other. )

( I love Ruki-kun...and he feels the same way towards me. I know that painfully well. )

Ruki: ...

Yui: Ruki-kun? What’s wrong?

Ruki: ...No.

Kou: Heyー Can I come in now?

ー Kou enters the Church again

Yui: ...Kou-kun!

Ruki: Yeah, go ahead. Sorry for making you go through the trouble.

Yui: Kou-kun, don’t tell me...Were you watching?

Kou: From beginning to end~! But I didn’t interfere so I see no problem with that?

Ruki: Sorry for making you be considerate towards us.

Yui: ( Ruki-kun knew as well. )

Ruki: What’s wrong? Seems like you want to say something?

Yui: ...It’s nothing.

( Well...I guess it’s fine. This isn’t anything new after all. )

*TIMESKIP*

Kou: ...The two of them are not coming.

Ruki: It’s past the deadline. ...Did something happen?

Yui: ( Yuma-kun, Azusa-kun... )

Ruki: ...We can’t keep on waiting for them here forever. They might come and chase us down.

We’re heading towards the Demon World without them.

Kou: Wait, Ruki-kun! You’re leaving them behind?

Ruki: Ensuring Yui’s safety is top priority. 

Kou: ...

Ruki: We were clear about that to Yuma and Azusa from the very start as well. If they didn’t make it here on time, we would go ahead.

We will think about our next steps once we’ve reached the Demon World. Let’s go, Yui. 

Yui: Ah, yeah...

( Is this really the best option...? However, knowing Ruki-kun, I’m sure he has a plan, right? )

( Yuma-kun, Azusa-kun...Don’t worry, Ruki-kun will for sure save you guys. )

( So please, stay safe until then... )

ー Ruki and Yui walk away

Kou: ...

ー Kou reluctantly follows along

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

Translation notes

(1) The term 懺悔 originates from Buddhism, but I suppose it is used for the practice of confessing/repenting one’s sins in a Catholic setting as well.

→  LIKE MY TRANSLATIONS? SUPPORT ME ON KO-FI!

<- [ Dark 10 ] [ Maniac Prologue ] ->

[bored-storyteller]

@severnrose honey, I shouldn't have preferences but how could I wait to write for you and Xiao?

Dear Xiao, sweet Xiao, thank you for asking, I have good reasons to love you :3

60- Genshin Impact, Xiao x Reader (angst/comfort)

From the prompt list

17- "Am I the reason you cry every night?"

33- "Do you know how it feels to wish for death every day?"

For Xiao you are like a little sparrow, so fragile and so free at the same time. He never understood what bad star forced you to meet with him, it was something so unlikely that it might have seemed ironic, but still he never tried to put you in a cage. You didn't deserve it. Sure, you're an absurd being, sometimes annoying, sometimes inconsistent and stupid, but you're also something he never bothered to find, a free kindness and a relief he always knew he didn't deserve.

So he never wanted to condemn you to a relationship with someone like him.

For this reason, when the darkness inside him had become heavier, when he realized he had gone too far, he pushed your worried eyes away from him. It was his job to protect you too, and he hadn't noticed the wound he had inflicted on you.

He is never too kind with words, he doesn't talk much and when he does he is never able to sweeten his sentences. It has always gone well with you.

Yet this time something was different; maybe he had been worse without realizing it, or maybe you were more fragile than usual, but he immediately opened a cruel door in front of you and a wave of awareness hit you. Yes, you were nothing but a burden to him.

Xiao hadn't seen you since that day. Or rather, he had happened to see you around, as always, doing your chores, helping where there was need, but he had no longer had the opportunity to be with you, alone, as you used to do from time to time, maybe in the evening, under the stars.

Initially he hadn't done anything, he hadn't thought of anything either. You were simply too busy, as he was, on the other hand.

But one night, about to give way to the morning, while he was checking his wounds, your sobs had come to him, and so did the next night, and the one after that.

He found himself listening to your silent cry every night, and he watched over you, albeit from a distance. And when he reluctantly had to walk away, he cursed anyone who caused you that unspoken suffering. If only you wanted to tell him he would be ready to protect you, again. But again, you were a fragile, free little bird, and he wasn't enough for you, he wasn't enough to take the pain away from your heart. Someday in the near future that would pass, everything passes for mortals, and maybe he could see you smiling again under the stars. This was what he believed - or hoped for.

But in one of those dark moments, your call rang in his ears and vibrated in his bowels. Wherever he was, he recognized his name spoken by you, in the agony of your nights.

He had joined you immediately, he had immediately appeared there, standing at your bedside.

Your name had escaped his lips perhaps too quickly, and for a few seconds he waited for an answer that never came. In its place, your sobs continued soft and distressed, your body curled up under the pale sheets.

He should have sensed right away, that yours was just a moan in your sleep, but somehow it had been necessary for him to chase the chance to see you again. How long had he not seen you?

Your suffering face made his heart tremble; he would have devoured your nightmares if you asked him.

He again spoke your name, his hand shaking you slightly, trying to tear you out of your dream.

Your reaction had been more violent than he expected and had broken the composure of the Adeptus for a moment, making him move backwards, taken by surprise. However, he thought it was normal, given the sudden awakening.

"Xiao!" His name had been uttered by your voice in amazement, but it was soon abandoned as you took your eyes off his figure "What are you doing here?"

The delicate face of the millennial Yaksha frowned in perplexity. Even now that he was there in front of you, did you persist in hiding your torments from him?

"You called me." His response was swift and straightforward, as always.

"I'm sorry ... I didn't mean to, I'm really sorry." Your apologies were fragile and uncertain.

Xiao let out a slight sigh, while his dark lashes lowered to the precious gold irises.

"Why don't you tell me?" The question he asked you later was unexpected, and for a moment you shivered at the authority of his voice, but he didn't realize "What happened?"

"Nothing." You cut it short and it irritated him. You knew how to be so stubborn when you wanted to.

"I hear your sobs every night."

He didn't want to utter those words as an accusation, maybe he hadn't even done it, but suddenly you stiffened and bowed your head even more, guilty.

"I'm sorry…!" Now your voice was broken and desperate, and a doubt began to creep into Xiao's mind as slimy as a snake.

How long haven't you called him? Why weren't you looking at him? Why weren't you smiling at him anymore?

"Who ... has anyone hurt you?" Now it was he who had lost confidence in his voice.

"Nobody ... really." You had obviously made an effort to stay calm, and somehow reassure him. But even though he didn't really understand human emotions, even though he was a different and detached creature, he could sense you.

"It's me…?" He couldn't explain why, but he felt like he was hurting himself "Am I the reason you cry every night?"

Your silence was a new pain for him. You didn't dare look at him, because it was hard for you to admit how much his distance and his disappointment had upset you.

But behind his sweet stoic face he prayed to have your eyes on him, he prayed for you to remove that horrible, strange feeling that made its way inside him, at least until he was forced to turn his back on you.

Xiao is used to pain and suffering, but that time something had changed. It was something new, something he never wanted to try.

A fist clung to his chest, and he trembled. How long had his hands no longer been shaking?

He thought he was about to give in, he believed that finally his heart would break under the weight of the new, umpteenth, fault of him.

He felt the physical need to vent that sudden wave of suffering that had hit him. He wanted to cry, but Xiao didn't know what it meant to cry, so he didn't, and he just vanished, not even looking at you.

It was the only thing he could do to protect you, right? If he was the cause of your suffering, then he would no longer exist for you. It didn't matter what he did, he didn't even ask himself, he just knew he hurt you. After all, he must already know that this was his destiny.

...

You never called him again, and Xiao never showed up again. Yet, although he endured this condition with the same resignation with which he endured every painful task of him, he realized that the selfish desire he had for you had not ceased. He didn't know how to call it by name, he just knew that it was really selfish, on his part, to expect that a little bird like you at least a little bit remained attached to him.

However, even if you despised him, even if he could no longer hear your voice or your laugh even though you were still breathing, somehow at least he hoped to remain present in your memory.

So every morning a flower was placed on your window sill. He never brought you the same type of flower two consecutive days. He didn't admit it to himself, but he wanted at least in one corner of your mind the whole Liyue to remind you of him. The scent of its flora, its colors and the sweetness of it, he hoped that even if you didn't want those things would make you think of that cruel guardian. Not that Xiao dared compare himself to flowers, no, but certainly those flowers could be compared to you for him.

The Adeptus wasn't good with words, but he was capable of meaningful and powerful gestures - it was something you loved about him.

You didn't need to know that those flowers came from him - even if it was unlikely they were someone else's gifts - and he relied on your kindness to accept them with a smile.

For a while it had worked. Even though he could no longer see you and have you around, that little contact you maintained had given him a sense of peace. In evil it was that little drop of good that gave him the relief he needed.

But he couldn't deserve that either.

One morning, when the first rays of the sun began to paint the earth with the warm colors of dawn, he came to your window. The Glaze Lily he had plucked for you had remained clasped in his hands as his eyes painfully gazed upon the Qingxin he had given you the previous day, left to itself on the windowsill, away from your care.

It was so, even the thought of him you could no longer bear.

The flowers stopped coming and Xiao stopped hoping. He only prayed that Rex Lapis would see your sweetness and cherish it with love, without needing you to endure the protection of a cursed Adeptus.

...

Xiao wanted to see you again, but certainly not right now.

The first thing his mind thought was nothing, then immediately afterwards he wondered which Archon had to thank for not killing you during his battle, and then all that was important was that you were standing in front of him, and looking at him, even if from a distance.

His mask frees his face as soon as his eyes settle on you. How long had he not seen you? For a moment the pain disappears, a wonderful, ephemeral second of peace. And then again the weight of darkness falls upon him.

He should run away, run away from your sight, but like under a spell he is stuck in his place, and you still don't run away.

You are pale and scared, your eyes full of tears. How much have you seen? How long have you been there?

It doesn't matter if the blood that covers him is that of his enemies, of those who want to harm those like you, all that matters is how Xiao now appears before you: a figure disfigured by the red of shattered life, a devouring demon .

He should go, but you call him.

"Xiao ..." His name in your voice is a desperate breath as it is sweet, and you run to meet him in your anguish.

He can't look at you, not when he's like that. He looks at the ground covered in repulsive liquids, without having the courage to meet your judgment. He would have liked to see you again, but now he is ashamed of who he is, he is ashamed of being Alatus, of being the Conqueror of Demons and the Eater of Dreams, he is ashamed of being Xiao before your pure eyes.

Now you are a few steps away, he hears you, but you are afraid to approach. He wonders why you ever even wanted to come close to him again, was it your good heart that pushed you to do it?

"Do you know how it feels to wish for death every day?" He did not want to ask that question, yet he posed it in front of you limpid and clear, as his "no" always are.

If he could die he would no longer distress you, nor would he hurt you, nor would he make you cry. If he could die, all aeons of unspoken pain would disappear. If he couldn't exist, everything would be better. But he can't, he has to live.

"If we are such a heavy burden to you why do you continue to protect us?" Yours is not a nasty question asked, it is rather a sweet worry distorted by insecurity.

His golden eyes return to immerse themselves in yours by instinct, without really wanting to.

"It's my duty, it's my ..." Xiao realizes he can't speak "But you're not ..." he tries again, but he can't.

He can't explain that knot blocking his throat and voice, which he can't spit or swallow.

It is my duty, my contract. But you are not a burden, you will never be.

His eyelids drop again and his head bows in chagrin. You are everything in front of him, and he is nothing in front of you.

"Don't look at me ..." is all he can tell you "You don't have to see me like that."

He was convinced that you didn't want to see him anymore, he was convinced that you wanted to forget him, but then why did your trembling hands rest so lovingly on his face?

"You are so beautiful Xiao." Your broken voice was asking him desperately to believe you, and he in front of your face now so close to him has no way to escape.

The misunderstandings between you two, the pain and the fear, no longer mattered.

Your arms gently encircle his chest and your head rests on his shoulder, without asking for permission, but he won't be the one to walk away, not now that he's found you.

"I'll get you dirty." He murmurs.

"It does not matter." You answer him softly.

You have no respect for the ways of the Adepti, but that is precisely why he needs you.

"Please be happy to live, Xiao."