#The only one I've done like this I haven't posted is my One Piece S/I I made with my BF Zayne

[kakusu-shipping]

Another self insert based entirely one someone else's self insert. @lunayumes has such a habit of making the prettiest and loneliest self inserts, but unlike Your Turn to Die I've SEEN Dungeon Meshi and thus can make her at least a little less lonely.

Emile's a Gnome/Half-Foot hybrid who was raised by his parents far from most civilization. When his mother (half-foot) died of old age his father (gnome) took his own life, unable to live without his wife, leaving their son of indeterminate age completely abandoned on a farm in the middle of No Where.

Emile saved up the funds to leave his home and go traveling in hopes of learning more about his heritage and culture he was deprived of and eventually found himself on The Island. Naturally he gravitated to the local library to read everything they had on Gnome and Half-Foot culture and History. This is also where he meets Emi, who goes to the library mostly just to get out of her empty house when he husband, Chilchuck, is away.

Neither of them are very sociable people, but eventually Emile works up the courage to talk to this very pretty Half-Foot he sees regularly. Surprisingly, they have a lot in common and end up hitting it off.

Emile eventually convinces Emi to leave Chilchuck, partly because he's formed a crush on the woman, but mostly because she's his friend and he wants what's best for her, and this clearly wasn't it. He knows what it's like to be alone all the time. When Chilchuck eventually comes back to talk to Emi and the two make up, Emile remains pretty Anti-Chilchuck for a while afterwards, mostly just giving him dirty looks. Emi doesn't seem to notice.

That's about all I have. Again thanks to @lunayumes for letting me use her S/I as a base for mine!! Anything is subject to change at you're request!!

[mononijikayu]

no. 1 party anthem — geto suguru.

“....What about my laugh?” He asks you, his cheeks flustered like cherry wine. “Is…is the sound good?” You matched his flustered cheeks. “It’s…It’s like a song.” “A song?” “My favorite song.” You admitted to him, slowly smiling as you shyly looked up to his flustered gaze. “Your voice is my favorite lullaby. But your laugh? It’s my favorite song.”

GENRE: alternate universe - canon convergence;

WARNING/S: post hidden inventory, pre-jjk 0, heavy angst, romance, falling in love, conflicted feelings, hurt/comfort, break up, slice of life, timeskip, depression, hurt, mourning, loneliness, trauma, pain, humor, guilt, pining, conflicted relationship, emotional distress, grief, profanity, depiction of break up, depiction of grief, depiction of complicated relationship, depiction of loneliness, mention of grief, mention of loneliness, mention of events post hidden inventory, mention of events in jjk 0, cursed user! suguru, jujutsu sorcerer! reader;

WORD COUNT: 7.7k words

NOTE: i've been getting into arctic monkeys again (as you can tell) and i have to say, no. 1 party anthem has done things to me these past few weeks. AM is such a good album. i really don't think that one can get any rawer in story telling about the sorrows of parting the way AM had depicted it. so i hope you listen to it one of these days, if you haven't already. anyway, i hope you all enjoy this. i love you all so much!!! see you on the next one <3

masterlist

if you want to, tip! <3

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IT WAS A SURPRISE, TO SEE HIM TONIGHT. It had been nearly five years since you last saw Geto Suguru, but the weight of his absence still lingered in the quiet moments of your life. And it had taken your breath away, you knew that much. Because you had already resigned yourself to never seeing him again since that night.

But you can’t help but wonder about all the suffering and grief that had carved its way through those five years, shaping the person who stands here now.

The you of the present feels like a stranger sometimes, a mosaic pieced together from shattered moments, each shard reflecting a memory too painful to hold but too significant to discard.

There were nights when you lay awake, your mind replaying fragments of what once were half-formed smiles, laughter that now seemed like it belonged to someone else, and the weight of a bond that had been torn apart, leaving jagged, unclean edges that never truly healed.

You’d press your fingers against the raw places, testing their tenderness, reminding yourself that the pain was real. That he was real. But he wasn’t here anymore. He had chosen his life. He had made his bed with his reality. And so must you. 

It all felt like another lifetime, one so distant it seemed almost like a dream. The person you were then, the one who loved him, trusted him, believed in him. That person feels impossibly far away now. You’d convinced yourself you’d buried that version of you alongside the memory of him. And with time, you believed it.

You never expected to see him again.

And yet, there he was.

The sight of him felt like a blow, like the ground had shifted beneath you and left you unsteady. His presence unraveled the delicate stitches you’d used to bind your wounds, pulling them loose thread by thread. He looked both the same and different, an unsettling contradiction that left you breathless.

Time has not been kind to either of you. You knew that much. Geto Suguru was a handsome man, he always was and he always will be. But you could see things that people wouldn’t. You see everything, you know everything about him. Maybe more than himself.

If time had not been kind to him, you could only judge from afar about things that had happened to him. You could see it in the lines etched into his face, the heaviness in his gaze. But what struck you most was the familiar ache you thought you’d buried. it resurfaced all at once, sharp and unforgiving.

You told yourself you’d moved on. You told yourself he was a ghost, a memory that had no power over you anymore. But standing here now, your heart betrays you.

And for a moment, all the pain, all the nights spent grieving, all the years spent rebuilding—none of it seems to matter. For a moment, you forget the hurt and only remember how it felt to love him.

It happened on a random Friday night at a bar you frequented with your other sorcerer friends. It was a hub for sorcerers to gather after missions. With how Satoru and Shoko were also getting too busy to hang out with you, and Nanami not frequenting such a place, you had no other choice but to find yourself some new people to mingle around too when they weren’t free. Life doesn’t stop when you lose someone.

So, you ended up finding this bar. And over the years, you have become a regular. Even more so, you found new people to meddle life with. You all of course still can’t meet everyday. But it was more regular than most of your other relationships. That gets you through the day most of the time.

The bar in itself wasn’t special. It was a cozy, dimly lit spot with just enough charm to make it feel like a second home. But it was yours, a place where you could laugh, unwind, and forget the world outside. It was ironic that he of all people would show up here. Perhaps the universe had a cruel sense of humor, or maybe fate had finally decided to intervene.

Geto Suguru hadn’t been looking for you that night. Or maybe he had, in some subconscious, desperate way. His sources, mutual acquaintances, whispers from insiders had led him here, for business.

It’s why he had a special grade glamour on. But even he didn’t fully understand why he had stayed for a while. He didn’t need to. Someone else could have done this for him. 

But when he stepped into the inner corners of the bar, his purple eyes scanned the room almost out of habit. Nothing much intrigued him in this place. It was too common, too crowded. It wasn’t his fashion. It wasn’t his scene. 

But then, he looked further away and stopped.

In that moment, he knew that he saw you.

The moment froze. You didn’t notice him at first, too caught up in the warmth of your friends’ laughter. But he noticed everything. The way your smile lit up the room, the easy way you leaned into your conversation, the carefree aura you carried. 

It was a stark contrast to the image he had of you locked in his mind: the you who had walked away from him, or maybe the you he had walked away from. He couldn’t decide anymore. He never made up his mind about that. Perhaps doing so would have hurt more.

When your eyes finally met, it hit you like a tidal wave. Recognition. Shock. Something unnameable. No one else would see the cursed energy glamour the way you would. You would notice.

You would see him. All of him. Only you could do that in a way people will never know how to. No one else could tear apart Geto Suguru the way you have, the way you will for all his life.

For a heartbeat, it felt like no time had passed, like you were back in that shared moment before everything fell apart. But then reality set in, and you turned away. Too quickly, too deliberately. You excused yourself from the table, and when you returned, he was gone.

Geto Suguru had fled back to the club he’d come from, his chest tight with a cocktail of emotions he couldn’t untangle. He should’ve known better. You were no longer a part of his life. He’d lost the right to be. And yet, he couldn’t let it go. 

After downing two more drinks, the gnawing need to see you again overpowered him. He left the club and returned to the bar, heart pounding, searching. Asking the bartender if they’d seen you, scanning every corner of the room for a glimpse of your face. But you were gone.

Suguru wasn’t sure what hurt more: the hope that had flared in his chest when he saw you or the emptiness left in its place when you disappeared.

He hadn’t planned on this—on seeing you, on unraveling in public like this. Life after you had been a blur of responsibility and regret. You’d moved to Fukuoka to teach to get as far away from Tokyo as possible and he focused on his new family, his new vision. 

Geto Suguru poured himself into work, convincing himself that distance was the answer. Just as much as you had thought the same thing. Out of sight, out of mind. But you were never truly gone from his thoughts, and the years only deepened the hollow ache. And perhaps, neither was he. 

Now, both of you are back in Tokyo, perhaps even just for tonight. He was sitting alone at the bar, he stared into his glass, his hands trembling slightly as he gripped the edges. He was alone, so far away from you and your warmth, and your smiles and you who was everything.

The laughter of strangers around him was a cruel echo of the joy you’d shared with your friends just hours ago. He drank to dull the pain, but it only sharpened the edges of his misery. Each sip dragged him further into the pit he’d been clawing his way out of for years.

Suguru hated himself for the way he felt, for the way his chest still tightened at the thought of you, for the way he still longed for something he’d already destroyed. He had made his choices, he stood by them firmly. 

And yet as the night wore on, his mind spiraled further into the what-ifs and could-have-beens, until he was too far gone to remember why he started drinking in the first place, he could only think how miserable he truly was.

By the time Suguru stumbled out of the bar, the night had deepened into an eerie quiet. The streets were nearly empty, save for the faint hum of passing cars and the distant laughter of people heading home.

The cold air stung his skin, but it didn’t sober him. Nothing could cut through the fog in his mind, the haze of alcohol and regret that weighed him down.

He wandered aimlessly, his thoughts circling back to you like a cruel refrain. How could you look so happy? How had you moved on so effortlessly when he was still stuck in the wreckage of what you once shared? Part of him wanted to be angry, but the anger never came. All that remained was the bitter taste of self-loathing.

When Suguru finally stopped walking, he found himself at a familiar park; a place you’d both loved. The benches were worn, the trees towering silhouettes against the starless sky. He sank onto a bench and buried his face in his hands, the chill of the night pressing against his flushed skin.

Memories rushed in unbidden, as vivid as the night you first kissed under those very trees. He could almost hear your laughter, feel the warmth of your hand in his.

It was unbearable, the way the past clung to him like a second skin. He didn’t know if it was the alcohol or the sheer weight of his emotions, but his chest heaved, and he let out a strangled sob, his breath fogging in the cold air.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He had convinced himself that leaving had been the right thing to do, that the distance would save you both from the inevitable pain of being together.

But in his effort to protect you, he had only condemned himself. And now, seeing you happy, surrounded by friends, made him realize just how deeply he had failed.

Meanwhile, you ended up back at your friend’s apartment, all the laughter and enjoyment had come fading as the events of the night replayed in your mind. Seeing Geto Suguru again had been a shock you weren’t prepared for. None else noticed but you. If anything, it was as if he had wanted you to know that it was him. 

You couldn’t help but feel sick at the thought. He’d come back. But for what? Why have he come back? You’d been doing fine for the past ten years. And now in an instant, you find yourself unable to do anything about these tears that just pours out. 

You’d spent years trying to bury the memories, to build a life that didn’t revolve around the void Suguru had left behind. And for the most part, you’d succeeded. But tonight had cracked something so deep within you, like a breaking dam. It was that wound you thought had healed. A wound so deep that maybe you never noticed it never healed.

Your friends noticed your distraction and tried to coax you back into the lighthearted energy of the evening, but it was no use. When it comes to Suguru, you knew you would never be able to pull yourself back from the brink. You left early, along with your friend and retreated to the quiet of your own space in her house. 

Sitting in the dim glow of your living room, you stared at your phone, your thumb hovering over his name in your contacts. It had been years since you’d last spoken, and the silence between you was deafening. But tonight, it felt heavier, like it was begging to be broken.

Suguru, in his drunken haze, finally pulled out his phone. His fingers trembled as he stared at the empty message thread between you from all those years ago. He never changed phones. He just couldn’t. 

Not when this held so much of you, more than you could ever know. And he’d hate to part with it. He hates parting with you. The cursor blinked at him mockingly, daring him to say something, anything. But what could he say? What words could possibly bridge the chasm he had created?

You both sat in separate silences, even far away from each other. Even then, you both carry the weight of your shared history hanging in the air, stifling you both whole. Somewhere between the spaces of what was and what could never be, a thread still connected the two of you in the frayed, fragile, but unbroken echoes of life.

And for the first time in years, you both wondered what it would have been like to say hello.

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IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO, FLASHING IN YOUR MIND SO CLEARLY. Your relationship with Geto Suguru began like a slow sunrise—gentle, almost imperceptible at first. Everyone could see something beautiful about it. You could too.

But it wasn’t something either of you could pinpoint, the exact moment it started, but before long, the light of it had crept in, filling the cracks and chasing away the cold.

At first, you were just kids, thrown together in the chaotic, unforgiving world of jujutsu sorcery. Life and death weren’t just abstract concepts; they were constant, hovering over every breath you took, lurking in the shadows of every mission. But with him, there was something different. Something softer.

It started with stolen glances in the classroom, shared smirks over jokes that only you two seemed to find funny. Then came the late-night conversations that stretched far too long, but neither of you cared. You’d sit on the temple steps, the world silent except for the occasional rustle of leaves in the breeze.

“You ever think about what we’d be doing if we weren’t... this?” he asked one night, his voice low, almost hesitant. He looked at you then, his dark eyes searching yours like he might find some hidden answer there.

“Sometimes, when I have some time. I think about it. With you, me, Satoru and Shoko.” you admitted. “But then I think... would we have ever met? If we were just ordinary people?”

He smiled, that small, almost private smile he saved just for you. “I don’t think the universe would’ve let us miss each other.”

“Even just the two of us?” You wondered at him.

“Especially the two of us.” He grinned even wider, patting your head. 

Those words lingered with you long after that night, as did the quiet weight of his presence. Suguru wasn’t just your teammate or your classmate; he became your confidant, your safe place. The one person who could make you feel human, even when the world tried to strip that away.

There was lightness in your connection, a reprieve from the heaviness that came with your lives. The warmth of his laugh, the way his shoulders relaxed when you were around. It was as if the two of you carried pieces of each other’s burdens without ever having to say it out loud. 

Everytime you were with him, you felt like everything was whole.

The world made sense when you were with him.

And you were proven right each and every single time.

He was the only one for you in this world.

It had been a long day, and exhaustion lingered in the edges of your mind, but he sat across from you, legs crossed lazily, and the smallest smile teased at his lips. You remember telling a joke.

You don’t remember it in its entirety but you knew it was something about the absurdity of the higher-ups’ newest “ingenious” strategy and for a moment, his guarded composure shattered.

He laughed.

It wasn’t just a chuckle or a polite hum. No, it was a real laugh. It was as though life had existed the first time he laughed. It was so bright, unrestrained, and utterly disarming.

The sound was pure, and for a moment, you could almost forget the weight he carried, the things he wouldn’t talk about late at night when the shadows seemed to pull closer.

“God, that laugh.” you murmured, half to yourself, but he caught it.

“What about it?” His voice held a smile, the corners of his eyes crinkling with curiosity.

“It’s… nice. Unexpected.” you said, and you could feel your cheeks warming under his steady gaze.

“....What about my laugh?” He asks you, his cheeks flustered like cherry wine. “Is…is the sound good?”

You matched his flustered cheeks. “It’s…It’s like a song.”

“A song?”

“My favorite song.” You admitted to him, slowly smiling as you shyly looked up to his flustered gaze. “Your voice is my favorite lullaby. But your laugh? It’s my favorite song.”

That was the beginning. That laugh became your favorite sound, a lifeline in the chaos. It became the thing you sought, the thing you tried to coax out of him in fleeting moments between missions or during those rare stretches of quiet.

You had stolen moments, the two of you. Too many to count, too many to want to forget. It was when life wasn’t pressing its cruelty upon you. Late nights stretched into early mornings, both of you lying in the grass, the stars above almost as bright as his gaze.

“You see that one?” you whispered once, pointing to a cluster of stars. “It reminds me of you.”

“Oh? How’s that?” he asked, smirking slightly, his head tilted in mock challenge.

“It burns so brightly you can’t help but stare,” you said without thinking, and the smirk faded into something softer, something almost shy.

“Careful, I might start believing you, you know?” he murmured, looking away, but not before you caught the blush dusting his cheeks.

“But aren’t I correct with what I said?”

“Ah, you’re just as cheeky as Satoru.”

You grinned at him. “But I’m better than him, aren’t I? Because I’m your favorite!”

Suguru laughed, his cheeks warm like a scarlet sunrise. “Yeah, yeah. You are my favorite.”

And then there was the kiss. It happened on an evening like any other. It was only a normal day. A day like any other. Nothing special at all.

You had been talking, your words flowing so easily it felt as if you were spinning threads of a tapestry you had both been weaving for years. Somehow, you just belonged together.

When he leaned in, his hand brushing the side of your face, it wasn’t a surprise. It felt inevitable, like the tides meeting the shore. Like destiny itself had been guiding you here. You felt like you were home as you found yourself overtaken by him.

When his lips met yours, it was as if the world stopped turning. It wasn’t fireworks or an explosion. It was just warmth that was familiar. The breeze of evening moonlight. it was a sigh, a soft release of tension you didn’t realize you had been carrying. Everything else fell away. It was just him and you.

And in that moment, you knew.

He was the one for you.

He was the love of your life.

“This feels... right, don’t you think?” he murmured, his forehead resting against yours. His voice was so soft you almost didn’t hear it.

“It does. Perfect.” you whispered back. “Like it was always supposed to happen.”

You didn’t just love him. No, you recognized him. Across time, across lives, across every distance imaginable. You had found him, and you would find him again.

Every time. Every lifetime. And you would love him, fiercely, until it burned you alive. Because he wasn’t just a part of your world—he was your world.

For a while, it was perfect. Together, you built a fragile sanctuary amidst the chaos. Even as the missions grew harder and the burden of protecting the world loomed heavier, you found solace in each other.

Geto Suguru would hold you close on nights when the horrors of your work were too much to bear, whispering reassurances that tomorrow would be better.

But tomorrow wasn’t better.

The world began to crack around him. He had blamed himself for Amanai Riko. For Satoru’s brush with death. For failure of a mission that relied so much on him. And that had buried him under, even before he had come and gone to the grim reaper’s arms. 

Everything you had loved about him slowly faded, like memories of yesterday. You saw it in the way his smiles became rarer, in the way his laughter came less easily. He grew quieter, more distant, and when he came back from missions, he wouldn’t talk about them anymore.

Instead, he’d sit in silence, staring at nothing, as if the weight of what he’d seen was too much to put into words. As if nothing in this world mattered at all. As if nothing was worth living for. 

At first, you tried to pull him out of it. You were the only person that could do something like that, if Satoru couldn’t. You have tried hard. You really did.

You did as much as you could to remind him of the ideals that had driven you both to fight in the first place. Of the future that you could have together, where you could be happy. 

But Suguru wasn’t just tired of everything—he was angry.

And he didn’t want to hear anything more about those ideas.

They had failed him, as much as the adults had already done.

He wasn’t in the mind to talk anymore, he was tired of talking.

“They don’t deserve it.” he said  harshly, that one night, his voice low and simmering. “The people we save—they don’t even know what we sacrifice for them. They go about their lives while we bleed for them. It’s not fair.”

“It’s not about fairness, Suguru.” you said, reaching for his hand. “It’s about doing what’s right. They are weaker than us. They don’t know the world of such suffering. But we do. Suguru—”

But he pulled away, shaking his head at you. “Maybe what’s right is letting them fend for themselves. Maybe what’s right is taking back control.”

“Suguru, you can’t—”

“I have had enough of it. I can’t….I can’t have any more of this bullshit. Please.”

You didn’t recognize the man sitting before you. His words were sharp, edged with bitterness that scared you. You tried to argue, to bring him back to the man you had fallen in love with, but Geto Suguru was slipping through your fingers, and no matter how tightly you held on, you couldn’t stop it. The more you tried, the more he pulled away. 

The breaking point came on a mission, one you didn’t share with him. You weren’t there to see the moment he made his choice—the moment he decided that humanity was no longer worth saving.

You only heard the aftermath: Suguru Geto, once a protector, had killed. He had killed too many people. Even his own parents. He had turned his back on everything he once stood for. And all to be free. All to stop those voices in his head. All to stop being miserable.

When you confronted him that day, you were trembling. A part from anger, part from heartbreak. You looked at him, eyes so brimming with tears as he stood there with those dark purple orbs narrowing at you. 

Almost as though he couldn’t care less about it all. It was as if he didn’t carry the world on his shoulders anymore. In that moment, it was better that their suffering freed him. That’s what it looked like to you. And that broke you. More than you could even say. More than you could even understand. 

“Tell me it’s not true, Suguru.” you said, your voice cracking. “Tell me you didn’t do it.”

But Geto Suguru didn’t lie. He’s never been good at lying. If anything, you didn’t need him to say anything. You already knew the truth. You’ve seen the bodies. You’ve seen the reports. But somehow, hearing him say it. 

Perhaps that’s the only way to make it real. That’s the only way to know the truth. He looked at you with calm, unflinching purple eyes, the same eyes that used to hold so much warmth. How could such warm eyes feel so cold, so lifeless, so devoid of the will to live?

“They deserved it.” he said simply, his hands resting on his pockets. “The world needs to change. And I’m going to change it.”

You stepped back, shaking your head, tears streaming down your face. “This isn’t you, Suguru. This isn’t who you are.I know…I know who you are. Please, just…Just…”

“It’s who I’ve always been.” he said, and the certainty in his voice shattered you.

Tears fell from your eyes, to the point that you couldn’t see anymore. You let out a guttering cry, your hand covering your lips as though you know you can’t let it out anymore. You can’t stand like this in front of him. But you couldn’t move. You couldn’t stop staring at him. Where did your Suguru go? Where was he?

“I don’t know you anymore.” you whispered, your voice barely audible. You sobbed, looking at the ground. “Who are you? Where’s my Suguru? Where is he?”

For a moment, just a moment, his mask slipped. You saw the guilt in his eyes, the pain he was trying so hard to bury. Not because he’s hurt others, no. But because he’s hurt you. That burns him more.

That kills him more. But then it was gone, replaced by the resolute facade he had built to shield himself. He knew he couldn't come back. He’s gone too far for him to walk away from it.

“I hope you know that….I’m sorry.” he said to you, watching you close your eyes. As though wanting to pretend that this was just a bad dream. “But this is the only way.”

You wanted to scream, to grab him and shake him until he saw reason. But you knew it wouldn’t make a difference. You always knew better than that. He was resolute. He always has been. And so, he would not turn back. Not even for you. 

The Geto Suguru you loved was gone. He was killed. He was consumed by the darkness he couldn’t escape. And you will never get him back. The last time you saw him, he was walking away, his silhouette fading into the distance. You stood there, rooted to the spot, the weight of his absence crushing you.

In the days and weeks that followed, you replayed every moment, every conversation, every sign you had missed. You blamed yourself, even though you knew, deep down, that this wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have saved him.

But that knowledge didn’t make the loss any easier. You were sure that he was the love of your life. Geto Suguru has been your love, your partner, your everything.

And now he was gone, leaving behind nothing but memories and the ghost of what could have been. And now you had to pick up what’s left from the desolation that swallowed everything whole. If not you, who will?

In the weeks that followed, life moved on around you, but you felt like you were frozen in place. The routines of being a jujutsu sorcerer continued. Day in day out, it was missions, training, meetings. But somehow,  it all felt hollow. 

Every face you saved, every curse you exorcised, felt like a mockery of what you had lost. How could you keep protecting a world that had taken Geto Suguru from you? How could you keep meeting with faces that didn’t know how to protect a child? How could you keep finding yourself living like this over and over?

But you still did it anyway.

You knew it was the right thing to do.

Suffering or not, you had to live.

You had to continue on.

Your nights were the hardest. Sleep became a distant memory, replaced by endless hours of replaying the past. You found yourself going back to the places you had shared with him.

The quiet park where you used to sit and watch the stars, the ramen shop where he’d always order extra broth, the training grounds where you’d spar until you were both breathless with laughter.

But those places were empty now, stripped of their meaning. Without him, they were just shadows of something you could never get back. Things that were just gone, forever lost in the abyss of his own making. An abyss you had sealed just as much, by continuing to live the way you have.

The news of Geto Suguru’s defection spread quickly. Whispers followed you wherever you went, people looking at you with pity, like you were some tragic figure in a story they couldn’t stop retelling.

Some were kind, offering empty condolences that only made you feel worse. Others were cruel, blaming you for not seeing the signs, for not stopping him before it was too late.

But the worst were the people who said nothing, who looked at you like you were a ticking time bomb, as if Suguru’s choices had tainted you by association. You could feel their looks, you could always hear the double entendre in their words. But you could hardly care at that point.

You tried to drown it all out, focusing on your missions, on anything that would keep your mind occupied. But no matter how hard you worked, no matter how many curses you destroyed, the weight of Suguru’s absence clung to you like a second skin.

And then, one day, you saw him again.

It was purely by accident, something you couldn’t expect.

It had only been a mere few months after he had left.

It was on a mission in a remote village, where rumors of a powerful curse had been reported. You had gone in prepared for anything—or so you thought. What you weren’t prepared for was the sight of Geto Suguru standing in the center of the chaos, his presence commanding, his expression unreadable.

Your breath caught in your throat. For a moment, it felt like the world had stopped spinning. He looked the same, and yet so different. There was an edge to him now, a coldness that hadn’t been there before. A brutish layer that protected him from the world.

“Suguru.” you said, your voice barely more than a whisper.

He turned to you, and for a split second, something flickered in his purple eyes—recognition, maybe even regret. But it was gone as quickly as it came, replaced by the calm detachment you had come to fear.

“You shouldn’t be here.” he said, his tone almost gentle.

“You don’t get to tell me where I should be. you shot back, your voice trembling. “Not after what you’ve done.” After what you’ve done to me.

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I didn’t come here to fight you. Leave, and I’ll let you go.”

“Let me go?” you echoed, anger bubbling up inside you. “You don’t get to ‘let me go’ for shit, Suguru. You left. You broke everything, and now you’re standing here like none of it matters. I should kill you right now where you stand like the kill order says.”

“It does matter. Everything I do, it matters. To me, to the world I’m building.” he said, his voice quiet but firm. “More than you’ll ever understand. That’s why I’m doing this.”

“No, Suguru. You aren’t.” you said, stepping closer to him. “You’re doing this because you gave up. Because you let the worst parts of this world consume you. And now you’re trying to justify it by pretending. And I just….I have had enough of that excuse. Even when we fought, you used that excuse.”

He flinched at your words, the only crack in his otherwise unshakable composure. For a moment, you thought you had reached him. But then his expression hardened, and he took a step back from you.

“This isn’t about us, you know that.” he said. “It’s bigger than that. Bigger than you or me.”

“It was never just about us, you idiot.” you said, your voice breaking. “But we could have fought for something better—together. Instead, you threw it all away. You threw me away.”

He didn’t respond. He knew you were right. You could see it in your eyes. He tried to open his mouth, to say something. But instead, he turned and began to walk away, his figure fading into the distance once more.

You wanted to call out to him, to beg him to stay, to fight for the man you once knew. But you didn’t. Because deep down, you knew that man was gone. You would just be lying to yourself if you tried to pretend that it would work. 

And as you stood there, watching him disappear, you realized something: this was the last time you would let him break you. Geto Suguru had chosen his path, and now it was time for you to choose yours. You had to.

Even if it meant living with the weight of his absence for the rest of your life, you would carry it. Because that was what it meant to keep going. He wasn’t willing to live with you, for you. He wasn’t willing to do that. And so, you had to. You had to do it for you. To survive. 

══════════════════

HE FELT LIKE HE WAS GOING TO THROW UP. Geto Suguru stumbled into another bar, his head swimming with alcohol and frustration. The neon lights buzzed overhead, casting garish colors onto the crowd of strangers. 

It was a different place, but it might as well have been the same. Everywhere he went, it felt the same: loud, crowded, meaningless. He was chasing something he couldn’t name, knowing full well it wouldn’t fix the hollow ache inside him.

He spotted a girl at the bar, standing alone for just a moment, and something in him shifted. It wasn't an attraction—not really. It was desperation. I may suggest there’s somewhere I might know her, he thought, smirking to himself, just to get the ball to roll. 

He approached her with a feigned air of confidence, the kind that only comes from being far beyond tipsy. His words slurred slightly as he said something about a shared connection, a vague memory he knew didn’t exist. She tilted her head, intrigued despite herself.

Suguru leaned in closer, his voice low and coaxing. “Come on, before the moment’s gone.” 

It wasn’t like he was falling in love. That wasn’t what he wanted. He didn’t want her heart or her promises. He just wanted her to do him no good, to help him forget for a while. The girl gave him a look—soft, inviting, a subtle tilt of her lips that sent a rush of blood through his veins. 

It turned him on more than it should have. He didn’t care about her name, her life, or her story. It was the thrill of the chase, the electric jolt of fleeting desire. But before he could take another step, a hand clamped down on his shoulder. 

“She’s with me.”

Suguru turned to see a man standing there, tall and stern, his presence like a wall between them. The girl stepped back toward her boyfriend, her gaze dropping in awkward apology. Suguru laughed bitterly, holding his hands up in mock surrender. 

“Didn’t mean to intrude.” he said, though the sting of rejection burned.

He retreated to the edge of the dance floor, his drink in hand, watching the pulsing crowd around him. The music was deafening, the lights dizzying. The club was a house of fun—or at least that’s what it was supposed to be. People were laughing, dancing, losing themselves in the moment. But for Suguru, it was a prison. A trap.

The room spun, not from the alcohol but from the crushing realization that it wasn’t enough. This place wasn’t enough. These people weren’t enough. She’s not you. No, she isn’t. She never will be. No one else can ever be like you.

No matter how many drinks he had, no matter how many strangers he flirted with, the truth was inescapable. You and he weren’t together anymore. You had been the only thing that made sense in the chaos of his life, and now, without you, everything felt hollow.

The club blurred into a mess of sound and light, but all Suguru could feel was the emptiness gnawing at him. He was trapped in this cycle of meaningless nights, trying to fill the void you left behind. And deep down, he knew it would never work. Because no matter how hard he tried, no one could be you.

Nothing here was worth staying for.

So he comes outside, the cold greeting him.

But he could barely feel it stab through him.

The alcohol in his veins dulled everything except the gnawing ache in his chest. He stumbled down the street, the neon lights of the club fading behind him, replaced by the harsh glow of streetlights. His breath came out in uneven puffs, his mind swimming with thoughts he didn’t want to face.

His phone was a familiar weight in his pocket. He pulled it out, his fingers fumbling over the screen until he found your name. He was too drunk to be a coward now. He wasn’t going to let the cursor mock him this time. Not again.

Somehow, it was muscle memory—he didn’t even have to think about it. You were still in his contacts, still in his life in the smallest, cruelest way. If anything, he memorized your phone number. He knew it too well, he’d never forget it. He stared at your name for a long moment, the cursor blinking on the call button.

The voice in his head screamed at him to stop, to put the phone away and walk home.He didn’t need to do this. Not right now. Not ever. But the alcohol silenced that voice, replacing it with raw, unfiltered need. And seeing you tonight….what more did he need to be an excuse? He had to call you. Even if it was wrong, he had to. 

Before he could stop himself, he hit the button. The phone rang. Once, twice. With every passing second, his heart raced, his breathing shallow and unsteady. He almost hung up, almost let the moment slip away, but then you answered.

“Hello?” Your voice was soft, confused. You had changed phones. But you still used the same number. He knew that. But you probably, over time, had forgotten his phone number. He had expected it. He was after all, worth forgetting. “Who is this?”

It was late, and you hadn’t expected to hear from him—hadn’t heard from him in years. If anything, you never should expect anything from him. But the sound of you made his chest tighten, and for a moment, he couldn’t speak. He leaned against a lamppost, the phone pressed to his ear like it was his last lifeline.

“S’me again, babe.” he slurred finally, his voice thick with alcohol and emotion. “Suguru.”

There was a pause on your end, heavy and loaded. He could almost feel the weight of your hesitation, the way your breath hitched as you processed his call. It had been a long time. Ten long years. And now, just now, he called. 

“What do you want?” you asked, your tone cautious, guarded. It wasn’t the warmth he remembered, but it wasn’t cold either. It was somewhere in between, and that hurt more than anything.

“I don’t know, honestly.” he admitted, his voice breaking. He laughed bitterly, dragging a hand through his hair. “No, that’s a lie. I know. I just… And I just….I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t stop… missing you.”

“Suguru…” Your voice softened, but there was something else there too—sadness, maybe even pity. 

He hated it. He didn’t want your pity. You had known that even when you were younger. But he knew you couldn't help it. Still, just maybe, even just tonight, you’d drop it. You’d pretend, just as he was. He wanted you to tell him that you missed him too, that you still thought about him late at night, that he wasn’t the only one trapped in this endless spiral.

“I saw you tonight.” he blurted, the words tumbling out before he could stop them. “At that bar. Can’t remember the name, honestly. But you just….You looked so happy. Like you don’t even think about me anymore. Like I’m nothing.”

You sighed on the other end of the line, and it cut through him like a knife. “Suguru, it’s been ten years. What did you expect? I….I didn’t expect my life to be frozen, waiting for an impossibility that will never come.”

“I don’t know. I just…” he said again, his voice rising with frustration. “I thought maybe—maybe you’d feel the same. Like… like this thing between us isn’t over. Like it’s still there.”

“It’s not. And you…you know this.” you said quietly, and the finality in your tone made his knees buckle. He sank onto the curb, his head in his hands.

“It is for you, maybe…. he whispered, his voice cracking. “But not for me. It’s not over for me, and I don’t know how to let it be. Babe, I loved you. I still do. Maybe for the rest of my fucking life. But I…I don’t know what to do.”

The silence on your end was deafening, and he filled it with a broken laugh. You had the right to  your silence, you always will. After what he had done, even just last night? Why shouldn’t you just be quiet? Why shouldn’t you just hang up right now? 

But on the other side of the line, you were bitterly weeping in the quiet. Just taking in his words. Everything about your lives had been a tragedy, a tragedy that you could never forget. Both of you were living those past lives that can never come back. And you shouldn’t. You can’t. Not now, not ever.

“I’m drunk, you know?” he said, as if that excused everything, as if it would make you forget the raw, painful truth he’d just laid bare. “I shouldn’t have called. I just… I needed to hear your voice.”

“You need to go home, Suguru.” you said gently. It wasn’t what he wanted to hear, but it was what he expected.”You have daughters to go home too, remember?”

You’d always been kind, even when you were hurting. Even to people that hurt you. He’d always known that. But somehow, he wondered if that kindness was why you’d stayed in his contacts all these years—because part of you knew he might need it someday. 

Because he knows you’d be merciful to him, no matter what he’d done. No matter what he’d caused you. You’d pick up that phone and answer him. You’d let him hear your voice, like you used to do for hours and hours when you were younger.

“Yeah, you’re right.” he said, dragging himself to his feet. “Yeah, you’re right. I’ll go home.”

But as he stumbled down the street, the phone still pressed to his ear, he couldn’t help but say one last thing. “You were the best thing I ever had, you know that? The only thing that ever made sense. In all of my life. And I love you. I’ll love you forever for it.”

He heard you inhale sharply, but you didn’t respond. Not for a while. You took a moment to let out a small sob, as though trying to hold yourself together. And Suguru could imagine it. How it shatters him. Ah, he had made you cry again like this.

“You were the best of my life, Suguru.” You finally say, almost the saddest he’s ever heard you talk. You were still mourning him, he supposed. “The love of my life. You always will be, Suguru.”

The line went quiet, and then, mercifully, you hung up.

Suguru stood there for a moment, staring at the screen, the word “Disconnected” flashing at him in a cruel, mocking rhythm. His hand tightened around the phone, his knuckles turning white as the fury bubbled beneath the surface. He nodded to himself.

He wanted to scream, to hurl the phone into the street and watch it shatter into irreparable pieces, as if that would somehow undo the splintering inside him. But instead, his anger collapsed inward, folding into a hollow resignation. 

He shoved the phone into his pocket with a rough, jerking motion, his breaths shallow and uneven. He reached for a cigarette with the same hand, fingers trembling as they pulled it free. His lighter almost instantly lit the edge into a fiery smoke.

The first drag burned, the bitter smoke searing his throat and filling his lungs. It didn’t matter. He needed the distraction, needed something to keep him grounded when it felt like the world had slipped from beneath his feet. He lit the next one before the first was even finished, the acrid haze curling around him like a suffocating ghost.

He kept walking. The city stretched out before him, a labyrinth of muted lights and shadows that felt more hostile than familiar. The streets were quiet, save for the occasional distant wail of a siren or the shuffle of a stray figure in the dark. Cold wind bit at his skin, cutting through the thin jacket he hadn’t bothered to zip up.

It didn’t matter. None of it mattered.

This was the last time you’ll see each other.

He was going to do his plan soon enough.

And you won’t see him again, not ever again.

[sgtmickeyslaughter]

Art Tag

Thanks for putting this together @deathclassic! and thanks for the tag @spookygingerr

Have you always been interested in creating art? : Yes from day one

What's your favorite medium to use? If digital, what programs do you like? I use digital (procreate) most often now, not sure if it's my favorite but it's easier/cheaper than playing with all the mediums I like to use and allows for a little more freedom to play and experiment

Do you create outside of fandom? Yes! I draw and/or paint almost every day in my sketchbook and I work in architectural design so I sketch ideas with co-workers/clients

Share something you haven't finished and/or never got around to posting. Ooof so this haunts me - I have always always wanted to put together a full comic, so I had planned to make a comic version of my fic In Your Love, it's ultimately too much work ... so much potential, absolutely no time

Favorite piece you've made?

Sooo hard bc my favorite piece is for a fic I did but haven't posted yet... very soon though! Until then, my favorite piece is the watercolor I did for the fanart masquerade

Draw your icon in a minute or less - hey bud!

An underrated piece you've made in your opinion

Idk, I like this one and it doesn't have very many notes

Do you do art in a professional setting?

I do a lot of representational architectural drawings - like the Gallagher House drawings I did a little while back

A piece you don't like but did really well on social media. Honestly I really like all the pieces I've done - I either give up or gaslight myself into loving them

Post an old piece and compare it to your most recent, what are the similarities?

Honestly my style changes all the time but my skills have been pretty consistent so theres not going to be anything shocking

Have you ever collaborated with another artist/s?

I've only collaborated with a writer and created art for our gallavich summer camp bunk - which was really really fun

What piece has the most notes? Are you surprised?

Not super surprised, I think it's pretty lovely

Who/What is your favorite subject matter? I love making art that coincides with the fics that I write! after thinking about a scene or world or vibe for so long while writing I want to put it down on paper visually

Show us something not from fandom you've made There's so much, idk have some watercolor buildings, I'm too lazy to curate anything

Where do you like to create? At my table or couch, I don't usually draw out and about for some reason idk why

Do you have a tag that you use to group your creations? Tell us so people can follow it. No but all my art can be found here

Give yourself a shoutout, where can we commission/buy/follow you for more pieces? I don't take commissions or sell pieces, but follow me here on tumblr and you can probably talk me into drawing something you have in mind

tagging: @burninface @matt404b @deedala @doshiart

@heymrspatel @creepkinginc @suzy-queued

[kaelidascope]

Dude, I love this fanfic so much! I just wanted to ask where you got the idea from. Did you have any inspiration from anyone? Also, what's your favorite fanfic? And want do you recommend ?

AWE bless!! Thank you so much I'm glad you're enjoying it <33

So actually a good 80% of this is written from personal experience LOL I used to dance and was into drift building/racing in my late teens/early twenties! Most of the references or scenes in Midnight Menagerie are references to things I've seen or done in real life, OR stories friends have told me within the same field. (Nora is literally just a rebranding of this one mutual friend we had who just. Absolutely fucking unhinged) Like for example, the anticipated Hangover Chapter is just a retelling of an insane Summer weekend I had in 2017 ☠️ it's a personal delight being able to translate things into the narrative, even more so knowing people find my stupid, terrible decisions as amusing as I do in current times lol

My general rule of thumb is to write from experience. Things I understand either on a technical point or emotional connection. So, if you've read it in my work, it's probably something I've done LOL

Another reason I find drive in writing this type of narrative is that MM!Blake's type of dissociative PTSD is something I haven't seen much in media in general. I've seen people depict her in various ways (some of them good!), but none of them ever really apply directly to me, so I wanted to make something that I could relate to and how to properly navigate life, given the environmental circumstances. Plus some us need better examples on how to juggle mental illness as adults and also be in healthy long term relationships because damn I have zero reference LOL

For the fic recs, oh boy I have so many LOL time to be a pathetic fangirl on main but okay here's the ones that immediately jump to mind (also heads up most of these are mature or explicit rating);

Certified Kaeli Fresh Fics

Let You See My Wilder Side (If I Can See Your Bones)

We all know this one but it is, hands down, my favorite piece of literature of all time. Masterfully crafted and a timeless classic worth several rereads (and I have. Embarrassingly so)

Written by @/lucytara on tumblr || @/explosive_sky on twitter

honestly all her works are immaculate and beyond compare. Also a major fan of I Have A Bullet With Your Mouth On It (That was first RWBY fanfic I ever read LMAO a friend recommended it to me before I even watched the show) I aspire to write like her some day. It's what got me writing fanfiction in the first place. So, credit goes to Erin for inspiring me to post my manuscripts at all. Words cannot express my gratitude and appreciation. I have two book series in the process of being published now and I wouldn't have had the nerve to do it had it not been for this specific fic.

2. One Day At A Time

Also one of the earlier fics I read before getting into the show LOL I love all of @/Frenchsoda 's work, the full list is also worth checking out. I'm a fan of disgruntled Blake who doesn't understand her attraction to Yang but it's so god damn sweet ugh

3. Fucking In Love

Written by @/Set_WingedWarrior and @/Softlight

This one circulates a lot in my social circles. Everyone I know LOVES this one and after reading it earlier this year, now I see why. As someone who worked in the sex industry for a brief period of time, this one's not only accurate but also A DELIGHT to read. The premise is fun, captivating, and worth the wait. I actually discovered a chapter update earlier this year and sent the gc into hysterics because we thought the fic was dead LMAO props to these authors!! They're doing an amazing job and deserve praise

4. You're A Mountain, Full Of Glory

written by champion author @/lescousinsdangereux

I should just preface already that every book Blake reads in MM is a fanfiction that exists because I love Easter eggs. Everyone knows I had Blake reference this in chapter 3 LOL but it's equally as immaculate as Erin's work. I LOVED especially the dynamic between Weiss, Yang, and Ruby in this one. Baby, we're complicated fucking murdered me 😭 also that fuckass Christmas scene, that's my favorite Christmas song LMAO

5. The Home Inside Your Head

Written by the ever skilled @/writeriguess . I found this fic by accident by seeing fanart for it floating around on this site. Got curious, picked at it, and. Oh, my god. It's not very often my brain gets scratched in the right way, but boy this one does it. This author does something specifically unique I haven't seen many do before, and I applaud them for it. There's great detail on the scenes that matter, and the fucking organic build up between Blake and Yang is just. God. Chef's kiss. Truly. It feels so god damn natural and healthy and it's already crossing off several of my agendas already. Give this one a read and give the author some love. SENSUAL FACE TOUCHING? CHAPTER 13????? BOOOOOOOYYYYYYY I'm normal about it

6. You'd Be Paranoid Too (If Everyone Was Out To Get You)

Written by @/WabaJaba_ on twitter

Okay so this one's completely different than what I've previously listed but HOLY FUCKING SHIT IS IT A THRILLER. It doesn't nearly have the amount of love and attention it truly deserves. A friend of mine recommended it to me because it shook them so fucking hard they were in total brainrot hell for a MONTH. NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY LMAO God I was obsessed with this for weeks myself. It obviously lives up to it's rating, horror fics aren't for everyone. But if you're able to read it, good lord you should. It's chilling, captivating, and had me on the edge of my fucking seat the entire time. Both endings are good, I still can't decide which one I prefer but RAH I will make sure this is seen god dammit

and last but certainly not least

7. You And Me and This Temptation

written by talented author @/ProfessorSpork

Okay this one was an accidental find as well. A friend sent it to me because THEY found it by accident, I clicked on it for later, went looking for a completely different fic that I mistook for this one, started skimming and realized 'wait a minute LMAO I don't recognize this'. But the thing you have to understand is I hate reading. I'm not a reader, I'm picky and it needs to be worth sitting down for long periods of time. This is one of the rare instances where I was so captivated by it I kept reading more and more from the middle where I landed, and eventually just said ykw let me just start from the beginning cus LMAO context.

This one is, by far, one the healthiest and loveliest depictions of first times I have ever seen. This shit was so inspiring to me that it literally kickstarted an essay in someone's DMs why depictions like this are so important. I didn't have this experience irl, and why MM is written the way it is is because its meant to serve as a lighthouse for those who, like me, haven't. This fic however I feel like should be a required read for anyone getting into relationships for the first time because if it's not like how these two interact, LEAVE IT. This is the standard. This is amazingly written, it's the closest I've ever seen canon Yang and Blake be written to date. The fucking souvenir bit 😭 NJKFGNFJKGNGJ killed me, I was kicking my feet laughing for a good minute. This is the kind of standard everyone should look at and go 'yeah, I want what they have' BECAUSE IT'S CORRECT. LOUD CORRECT BUZZER NOISES

Honestly everything in my bookmarks is certified Kaeli Fresh but these 7 are my top faves. They're probably also really commonly known I'm sure but LMAO like I said I don't read much 😭 which is heavily ironic considering I write myself. Anyway this ended up way longer than I intended but LOL <3 <3 go give these incredible authors love!!

[gemharvest]

Gf for the character thing ? :] or maybe Nene if you received her already

I HAVEN'T RECEIVED HER YET THANK YOU !!!!!!!!! I'll do Nene too, I'll just make it her own post after posting this. :J

favorite thing about them: I love her dumbgirl swag. There's something so special to me that both her and Boyfriend are fuckin'. Dumb As Rocks. ALSO I LOVE THAT SHE'S CANONICALLY AN ARTIST that's such a sweet thing to me. I would pay one morbillion dollars for a GF commission (because she has no idea how they work).

least favorite thing about them: I WANT HER TO DO MOREEEEHGNJFN.. Like she's probably done as much as BF has so that's not a critique of the game, I just wanna see her do more. Because I love women. Oh also I think they should remake every canon piece depicting her and make her canonically fat. I often forget she isn't fat in canon and then I feel sickly when I look at like, the volume 1 cover and she's thin. W-Whe';re h.er tumm-.my go..,m,l,l,...,, <- sorry for crytyping but it fits.

favorite line: That's how you do it! <- I was gonna jokingly just go up down left right but then I remembered she says that in the tutorial. And I quote it to myself all the time so.

brOTP: Y'know what, similar to BF, I think a GF & Darnell friendship would be fuckin' s-tier. I often think abt this post Keyy made tbh. I know that's specifically the Funkycule AU and pup has them in a QPR but I do think abt it often. Also, before I was a romantic PicoGF guy my interpretation of RGB had Pico & GF as just friends, probably closer friends the longer they're in their relationships with BF cuz like, bonding over a shared partner or smthn LMAO so I'll give an honorable mention to Pico & GF friendship.

OTP: WOag. RGB. Wow I've never heard of that before. How many times can I joke about RGB being my OT3 for this game before it gets annoying LMAO anyways. I ALSO REALLY LOVE GFNENE I wish they had more fics. So bad. I'm actually shocked by how bare their tag on AO3 is. They weren't lying, fandom does hate femslash. /hj

nOTP: Is there anyone out there who actually ships her with Senpai. I think that'd be my only answer ALSO YOU KNOW WHAT. I chickened out on saying it with BF but I also consider BF and Senpai a nOTP but like, I DON'T HATE ANYBODY WHO SHIPS IT. OF COURSE. I don't think it's "problematic" to ship Senpai with either of them it's just, like, the most thought I have on Senpai is that I want to kick sand into his eyes. So that feeling doesn't really translate into a desire to see him shipped with anyone. I'm sorry to anybody who ships Senpai with either of them, I respect your grind, it is just sooooo not for me.

random headcanon: This headcanon is like, so deep into my personal GF characterization/ fuckin'. AU. If you wanna call it that atp. BUT ANYWAYS. Fuck this is gonna need quick background hold on. The canon explanation for her looking human iirc is literally just "true love" or whatever tf. But that's not as fun to play with. So instead I like to write her as being ashamed of being a demon, especially because of her parents' actions, so she masks her demon traits. And she reaaaalllly does not like letting them slip through, especially around a specific person (this is foreshadowing for something idek if I'll get to any time soon Sorry). BUT! She is on a limit for how long she can hide her demon traits until doing so starts to hurt her, either through draining her energy or like, it causing physical damage to continue hiding parts of her. And while she trusts Pico & BF, she's still got shit that she's just. Not. Sorting out. So when she feels she's about to reach a limit with it she locks herself away to rest until she's well enough to continue like normal. Girlie No (guy who is writing her to do this) (don't worry I'm going to also write her getting better abt this) I'm gonna eventually have to make a "Karl's Personal FNF Demon World Building" master-post or whatever just cuz this shit is so fun for me to work with Idk.

unpopular opinion: GEH once again idrk if this is an unpopular opinion but I've been using this to just. Complain. About stuff I have seen and disagree with so whatever I'm continuing the trend. Like Pico, I feel like I see. So many. Interpretations of her that just feel Wrong. Like I see people make her The Smart One or like. Dominant Girlboss with little substance beyond that. And it's like. Cool, yay, I love fandom misogyny. FUCK it's probably still rotting in my drafts but forever and always my reaction to this phenomenon with her is "This girl gets her hand stuck in peanut butter jars trying to eat pb with her hands. This is your Smart One?" and I should get it out of my drafts bc I'm real for that. DO NOT MISUNDERSTAND ME WHEN I SAY THIS BTW. Interpretations that smarten up BF to the same degree do not flag this to me. When making more serious fanworks with these guys, you're gonna have to give them more smarts than canon will. My issue is specifically when I have seen people still write in a degree of stupidity with BF and then just. Don't? Do the same with GF?

song i associate with them: Very basic but I think the sound is cute with her. My secondary answer would be Nelward - "Werewolf" but that's more of a. Specific Instance. That I don't want to elaborate on. grins

favorite picture of them:

Like literally all of them The Fuck you're making me choose? /silly Here's the fruits of me looking through her wiki gallery:

^ If I had to pick a single favorite, it'd be those panels from the Nendoroid comic. She was real for that. Anyways FUCK I love her. Statements improved when you remember I'm Boyfkin LMAOOOOOO..

[spectralsleuth]

🧩🎨☁️🏜️❄️🍬💌🥑

WHOAH WE GOT A BIG ONE HERE

🧩 ⇢ what will make you click away from a fanfiction immediately?

Disclaimer: every piece of fanfiction is a gift from an angel. I love it all, because no matter how cringe or silly it is, the alternative is that fic NOT existing and that is unacceptable to me. That goes for any art.

Okay salty little hater time: Who the fuck started saying "greenette" or "pinkette" to stand in as an indicator for a person with a certain hair color. It is the new "orbs" in fanfiction. I literally have backed out of a fic, walked around a bit, and then gone back in resigned. It's so funny and I actually think of it really fondly, because it's a symptom of fandom the same was all the old fic tropes back in the early 2000's were. But god it even hurt me to write out. Weird formatting and paragraphs breaks I can adjust to pretty easily.

🎨 ⇢ link your favourite piece of fanart and explain why you like it

THIS TAROT SERIES FROM KAYSON (@tangledinink) They picked all of the series perfectly for the cards, they didn't just half heartedly pick the aesthetics that fit, and every single one is absolutely GORGEOUS. The style fits in with the other art/fics perfectly while still having that special little background/detail flair that Kayson likes to use. Fantastic. ('Strength' for LSoW Yoshi was an inspired pick as well. Love it.)

MATCHING BEST IS THIS COMIC by @cool-chocolatebouquet A whole comic! On one of my fave parts of mine and @alicat54cwriting's crossover??? So funny and good.

☁️ ⇢ what made you choose your username?

My username was 'spectralsleuth' for a while because I had thoughts of making a webcomic series about a detective who is dead, and was brain rotted by Homestuck naming conventions. (Which in itself was a satire of early 2000's internet culture, only dramatized.) That never happened, but the name stuck for all my accounts because I'm too lazy to think of a new one.

'audioEidolon' was what I started with on discord forever ago, and I wasn't ever planning to talk to anyone on voice chat because I was shy. (Thus the 'audio eidolon' name.) But I made some really good friends playing DnD and we talk almost every day, and have done for almost seven years now. So I guess my internet nickname will forever be 'Audio' or 'Audi'.

🏜️ ⇢ what's your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?

I love comments that pull out a line they specifically liked, or struck them. Maybe it's selfish, but I like seeing the specific things they liked because THAT'S the kind of comment that you think about while writing and forever after. (Despite how nice and easy as generalized comments are. I love all comments!) I even prefer comments that pull a specific line to say they didn't understand it, or noticed it was a little weird or out of place over generic ones, because it shows that they're invested and actually internalizing the writing. In this day and age of bots and AI, it's nice.

❄️ ⇢ what's your dream theme/plot for a fic, and who would write it best?

MAN THIS IS A TOUGH ONE. Every time I think, wow I wish that fic existed, I generally write it myself! I really can't think of anything I've wanted that I haven't at least started to write myself.

🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character

Oh man I don't know if I even HAVE an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character? My 2003 Leonardo opinions are surprisingly rare I think, he's one of my favorite TMNT characters of all time, and I think he and ROTTMNT Leonardo actually have the MOST in common between their counterparts. I never understood those crossovers where Leo and Leonardo were so bewildered by each other.

💌 ⇢ how many unread emails do you have right now? 

ZERO BABEY. So I actually have OCD and notification stress me out really bad. Like make my tummy hurt and I dream about them. This is the notifications for all three of my main email accounts:

Ignore the ranchers I'm too lazy to crop, the photo widget has like 100 pieces of fanart I really like for all my fandoms. (Natural evolution from printing pictures at the school library to put in your see through binder cover)

🥑 ⇢ you accidentally killed somebody, which mutual(s) do you text for help?

@heckitall honestly? Not because we are besties (WE ARE) but I think Heck would have genuine logical knowledge and together we could figure things out and how to hide the body. (Heck hmu I got a job for you.)

[sarahsmi13s]

Surprise self-rec time! Pick 3 of your favorite things you’ve written and share them here, then put this in the inbox (anonymously or not) of your fellow writers to spread the positivity and help celebrate already written fics 💞

oh star, darn you! making me be nice to myself... but also how can i just pick three? i love all of my brain babies 😭

my three (in no particular order):

'Tell Them' Universe: after nearly losing someone very important to him, jake decides it's finally time to reveal his secret to the dagger squad

i feel like it would be a disservice to not include one of the first pieces i've done. and the only series i've finished so far. i have pieces in the works for this, fun things that go along with it. so i hope i can get a resurgence going 😂

'J and S' Universe: jake seresin met sarah grant in one of the least likely circumstances... moving his younger sister into her dorm room. a year after meeting, they confess to each other in the front seat of a truck. and the rest is history

this series is my baby. i love jake and sugar to no end. it is another one of my early babies, stimming from a fic i fell in love with that the author gave me a character in ( his little girl ). this series is entirely self indulgent with the main oc essentially being the fanfic version of myself. i haven't updated it in a while, sugar has been pregnant for a minute... maybe i can get back to them when my ideas slowdown 😅

'Duckie' Universe: as the daughter of goose and carole and twin sister to bradley ‘rooster’ bradshaw, y/n bradshaw also got her papers pulled when she tried to enlist in the Navy. which turned out to not be as bad as she thought.

and this wouldn't be complete without duckie. this summary is a little lack-luster and rushed, i really need to update it LOL but duckie and nicky hold a very important place in my heart.

these three are only scratching the surface. i adore the pieces i've made, whether they've done well or not. they're all important to me, but these three are what brought me back to posting my writing and have lead me on a path of maturity in my writing that i don't know if i would have reached otherwise.

[quickdeaths]

mun meme

𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐊𝐍𝐎𝐖 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐌𝐔𝐍!

★  NAME:  Bryn

★  PRONOUNS:  she/her.

★  BEST EXPERIENCE: Meeting my girlfriend through RP has to be at the top of the list, and meeting some really great friends too. Just talking about the IC stuff, idk, I'm pretty happy with how things have been going recently?

★  PREFERENCE OF COMMUNICATION: IMs are okay but discord is best! I am very chatty on discord sometimes, and the search function is really helpful for me when it comes to going back and finding old things. I'm also just on discord basically all day in some capacity, so I rarely miss things for long.

★  MOST ACTIVE MUSE: I can basically write any of my DR OCs at the drop of a hat, although Shinobu is the one who I am currently writing most, and have the easiest time writing because of that. I think for me, though, it's more "do I have energy/creativity to write right now at all" rather than if I have muse for a specific character or not - it's not usually the case that I struggle with a specific character at a time when I'm otherwise writing easily.

★  EXPERIENCE / HOW MANY YEARS: I started off on a forum in maybe 2006 or 2007, did some stuff on livejournal, had a cup of coffee at Gaia Online, and settled on Tumblr in maybe... 2012? 2013? I've done some things on discord (don't love it for RP) and google docs (it's okay) since then, and a handful of other places, but I think I'm just Here Now, like furniture.

★  RP PET PEEVES:  

I have talked about these all so many times so I'll try to keep it brief hahaha.

People who repeatedly drop threads without reaching out to say anything (this is my #1 pet peeve), and people who generally cycle "taking on too many asks/drafts, then dropping all of them, repeat."

People who habitually archive/delete and remake their blogs, especially if they don't make any changes to how they run things, who they interact with, etc. I see it as, like "bringing your bed to your new apartment and being confused as to why you still have bedbugs."

People who post tons of OOCs, as well as things like memes, starter calls, ship calls, etc. while having a massive backlog of drafts and inbox things already.

People who treat OCs/female characters/female OCs dismissively, or as stepping stone interactions.

★   PLOTS OR MEMES: Plots. I honestly don't like memes very much since I feel like they seldom lead to the kind of long-term interactions I like the most, but they're so entrenched on tumblr that I just kinda have to accept them. I would much rather talk to people and plot out loose thread ideas than send in a dialogue prompt from a movie I haven't seen and hope it gets answered and hope that that answer feels like something I can respond to and hope that my reply gets replied to and it's actually a thread. I like doing stuff that develops across multiple threads too, and plotting is much better for that.

★  ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE(S)?: Not really, I don't think. There are pieces of me in all of my characters, of course, and there are superficial similarities sometimes in terms of like, hobbies or interests, but I think the characters who feel like they got more of me mixed into them are like, D&D characters, or characters from my other blogs.

tagged by: @more-than-a-princess also tagging because tumblr is a functional website and perhaps putting things on a new line is the only fix: @timesunder @shishigirls @saburaito @sunbreathr

tagging: @lunaetis @guidedhearts @amaidol @infintasmal @corrpse also tagging myself since that seems to be the only way to not have it break someone else's tag very cool: @quickdeaths

[catofthenine]

Hey ghouls!

I thought that making a non-introductory post would help solidify what I got goin here.

I think that the first things that I want to cover are my definitions, values and other miscellaneous junk, so that my coming posts are more cohesive. I do not claim to be someone who knows everything or makes the "rules of goth", I just form my opinions and claims based on what I see. I love taking part in friendly discussion, as well as hearing critique on my ideas! I've decided to cover "What makes someone goth" today, because I think it is what defines the subculture! *This is SO long! I'll provide a TLDR at the bottom, as well as try and organize each piece of thought!

What I think makes you goth! : I think that many factors come into play within considering oneself apart of the gothic community. This may be super controversial! But please, make sure you read my argument! If you pick it apart I don't mind, but please don't throw baseless accusations at me!

There's a common argument going around places like Instagram and Tiktok, where, the only factor in consideration is "Well, Do you listen to the music?" and, I think that's a really dim view on the community as a whole . Gothic Rock, Deathrock, Darkwave, Post punk, Horrorpunk, Gothibilly, etc. are all excellent music genres, and there's such a vast range of what constitutes as "Goth Music" that I don't think someone can say that they just don't like it! But nevertheless, I don't think it is the only factor in considering oneself goth, gothic, vampiric, etc. (Holy hell, that's a ton of micro labels.)

On Literature

The gothic subculture has roots back to the 1700s, as the first gothic literature by Horace Walpole, Castle of Otranto (1765), was published (Britannica). Britannica has an excellent article about Gothic fiction and if anybody is interested, I'll link it below! Other popular fictions are Dracula by Bram Stoker, Frankenstein by Mary Shelley, and Carmilla by Sheridan Le Fanu. (Books are expensive, and I'd like to read more from the genre, but between cost and time, these are the only one's I've read.)

*The article on Castle of Otranto, however, mentions s*xual assault, so please! Take care of yourself!

Gothic fiction and literature are super duper old, and the emergence of gothic fiction, especially around the 1850s, was what I believe to be the first inklings of the gothic subculture. People's ideas are ever evolving, individually, but over lifetimes as well!

There's a very interesting book by Maisha L. Wester, called African American Gothic: Screams from Shadowed Places (2012), I have not read this book, as it costs like a 100 dollars! I did check it out from the library but was too afraid of ruining it to touch it, Haha! I did manage to find the introduction on link springer, but I don't want to pirate the book because I'd love for the author to be able to get paid for the work she's done.

According to it's introduction, African American Gothic: Screams from Shadowed Places (2012) argues that so much media surrounding racism (historical fiction, historical biography, etc) is in fact applicable to gothic media (Horror, Literature, etc), but because it depicts horrors towards black bodies, critics deem it "less scary", or "too realistic" to be considered "applicable".

*Because I haven't read African American Gothic: Screams from Shadowed Places (2012), I am unable to give full context for it!

**IT IS extremely important to include black views and opinions for what makes something gothic, I'm not sure if Wester argued for inclusion in the subculture itself, or just the literary inclusion, but the literature is EXTREMELY important to consider in foundational gothic media, and so I believe Wester's argument for inclusion is something we must all consider when discussing gothic media!

On Fashion

This is an incredibly touchy subject at the moment. I think everyone has different views on the "gothic fashion vs. goth subculture" online argument. Fashion is an expressive outlet for many in the gothic subculture, and I include makeup and clothing as apart of this.

In my opinion, it's not black and white! While I do not think our desire to look cool comes before those who work in sweatshops, plus size and disabled people deserve clothing that they like! It's no secret that plus-sized individuals have a difficult time finding clothing they can wear, and brands like Shein, Romwe, and Cider, all accommodate that. Disabled people who have difficulty leaving their homes, whether it be issues that impact their energy, mobility, or something else, also need clothing to wear! There really is no difference between wearing something gothic vs wearing something basic from these websites, and so while I appreciate the sentiment "Goths don't support fast fashion", there's no possible way to make this a monolithic idea within this specific part of the subculture.

Some people will also accuse others of being classist within this topic. I think it is SO important to remember these few things:

You do not have to be goth! You also do not have to dress gothic to be goth!

There is a set of values that comes with being apart of the subculture! This is like, one of the only necessary factors I consider for members of the subculture.

IMPORTANT! So many baby bats I see are very nervous about not looking "goth enough", and not having as big of a gothic wardrobe as other people. REMEMBER! Most gothic wardrobes are curated over long lengths of time, and anything black can be made into a goth fit!

But this isn't to say that if you are poor, that you do not deserve nice clothes, or new things! I myself have been known to commit the sin of shopping on amazon! I just wanted to put this tidbit in to encourage others to not feel the need to overconsume fast fashion to fit into the community.

All that being said, I do not think fashion alone is enough to consider yourself Goth. I've seen people create a distinction between goth and gothic, and that honestly sounds like a nice way to say poser.

In the past, if you did not listen to the music, share the values, but enjoyed the aesthetic, you were seen as a poser. This got so extreme that people began to anti-label themselves! (I believe this was circa 2000s, with the emergence of emo and scene in prominent media), People would avoid labeling themselves anything at all, There's an interview of Avril Lavigne saying that calling yourself punk is the least punk thing to do, which is now totally clowned on...

... But my point here, is that as many people online who have been alternative for a very long time, seeing another alternative person cemented a feeling of community, as shared interests and values were likely.

On Values

This is so very very long already!

Alternative subcultural values are not monolithic. Metalheads, goths, punks, emos, etc. all have different values, takes, opinions etc. Please do not ask me the difference between all of these, It'd be a super long answer, and I nor anybody actually cares about my opinion about that.

That being said, gothic values and punk values are almost one in the same. I feel that it depends on the type of goth you are, but it is not outlandish to expect every goth to be against capitalism and anti fascist.

A seemingly small portion of goths say that veganism or vegetarianism is necessary, but I really think that's extreme. Necessary veganism/vegetarianism is also anti-indigenous, classist and ableist.

* I do not want to get into a debate on veganism. It is off topic.

Something that I used to see everywhere for a main criteria, is also knowing goth history! This is very important to be able to provide context on why things are the way they are, as well as rules/regulations, as well as understanding the modern gothic movement.

^(I consider this to be Bauhaus' Bela Lugosi's Dead (1979) onward, although many consider The Doors to be the first gothic rock band, and many other influences between The Doors and Bauhaus arose as well. I'll get into this later, maybe my opinion will change after more research is concluded)

Conclusion

That was a lot! Please remember that this is just my opinion, and while i am open to pleasant conversation and critique, I wont respond to anyone unkind and inflexible, and depending on the severity, I may block you! It is not out of hate or spite, but this blog is something I consider to be a safe space, and home to one of my biggest passions.

I think that I could speak more about each topic individually, but I also go outside, and don't want to get caught up in things that do not matter.

I do want to cover history as well! Maybe Vampira, Elvira, and Etcetera!

TLDR:

IMO, The factors that would make somebody goth, are not concentrated to just taste in music! The gothic subculture is not just a music fanbase! Enjoying media such as horror literature and movies, listening to music, dressing up, expressing yourself are all large components in what make up the culture, and between being a horror fan (for ex.) vs. being a goth overlaps in so many areas!

The takeaway I hope that is received is, be open minded. Gatekeeping is necessary to keep the subculture the subculture, but I don't think that it's as rigid as many people think it is.

Song Recommendation: Stigmata Martyr

I wanted to put a Bauhaus song, but I figured since I already linked Bela Lugosi's Dead, it would be redundant. Also it's likely that SO many of anyone who sees this will already know Bauhaus.

Thank you for reading!!

-Cat (They/Them)

(Catofthenine)

[drowninginredink]

WIP List

I always like it when people talk about their WIPs. I live for that. So it's my turn. But I am a one-shot writer at heart with way, way too many ideas, so here is a list of everything I'm toying with. For the record, some of these don't even have a single word written yet, and none are that far along, so don't get your hopes up too high.

Smosh One-Shots

"Feelings are so fragile" — Platonic Shaymien thing where I project really hard onto Damien. (Yes it's for the aro collection)

"Most euphoric I've ever been" — A spetney fic based the fact that yes, they're technically a m/f couple... But like, no. Put them together, you've got nonbinary lesbian vibes. Sorry Spencer, you're getting your gender transed because there's no way you and Courtney are straight.

"But what's a home?" — A Damian QPR fic. Damien/Ian is already such an interesting rarepair and then you make it a QPR and it's like... They end up living together just temporarily because Damien's housing falls through and turns out they both really miss when they used to be living with their best friends and look I know everyone likes romance but do you know how good QPR fics can be? I love the idea of them as a QPR so much?

A thing for @aro-soulmates-fest about Anthony getting all his tattoos to hide the fact that he doesn't have a soulmate one.

A murderverse one shot about Arasha because God I fucking love gang AU!Arasha

A vampire!Spencer fic where Shayne plays the role of Johnathan Harker

"And I lie like the right thing to do" — me taking @generaltrashshecox 's whole "Anthony sleeping with Damien to cope with unrequited feelings for Ian thing that I love so much and just doing my own version of it where I lean into the angst so hard. With permission from bun, don't worry

A (platonic) nintendogs fic where I decide to do a little bit of own voices stuff on the fact that The Chosen is suuuuuuuuper schizo-coded

I bought a new ray and it's time to use it. Let's make Ian aplatonic this time.

"Then it's done." Killing off Spencer. Very one-sided Spommy.

A lil smut based on Anthony asking Tommy to choke him.

Hey @generaltrashshecox infected me again and now aro4aro Antmien needs to exist

This post into a real fic

Smosh not a one shot but also kind of a one shot?

14. "Once in twenty lifetimes" — A no smosh AU that's going to go through all the different ways Ian and Anthony could have ended, choose-your-own-adventure style. And as the title suggests, only one of them is the reunion. Most are things falling apart. And also to fit the title, it's going to be in twenty chapters (although that does not mean 20 endings. I don't hate myself.). So it's multichapter, but also it'll all be posted at once so it'll basically be a one-shot. It's going to end up as kind of an epic and God I hope it turns out as good as it is in my head. Inspiration for the good endings is "Cardigan" by Taylor Swift, and for the bad endings and a lot along the way is "San Cristobal" by Mal Blum.

15. Partners (in crime) — my Changela QPR fic that was supposed to be a one-shot right up until I wrote the thing, and actually wrote a chapter one. Not sure how long that's going to be, but I like it so far.

Smosh Multichapter

(The fact that my very one-shot oriented self has multiple of these is such a problem)

16. "Puppy Love" — I don't need to say anything about this. There are already 5 chapters on AO3. Either it's extremely your shit or you're wondering what the hell I'm doing and why I'm writing this extremely specific concept. If you're wondering why I still haven't posted chapter 6, it's because that has sex in it and I fucking hate writing sex scenes so I'm procrastinating really hard.

17. "I'll use you as a warning sign" (aka the evil fic, so named because chu-tea thinks I'm evil for coming up with the plot) — yeah so what I planned for PL was just a straightforward kind of fluffy ianthony piece. And then a certain friend of mine (*cough* chu *cough*) accidentally inspired me to think of a different ending that is such hardcore angst and hurt that I absolutely needed to make it happen and have been obsessed. It's interesting when you've already made the bad decision to start a long project and then oops, now you just really want the next 6 chapters to be done already so you can write the alternate ending. This one will *really* not be everyone's shit because I will rip your heart out in 6 different ways. But God I'm obsessed. Anyway, if you want details... I'll just say "major character death" and leave it at that. Oh and rarepair.

18. "I've come back changed and I can feel it in my bones" — an AU where "what if Anthony left because he got psychosis." Basically very hardcore projection on my part. This is on the back burner for a while because obviously when I have projects that aren't going to be emotionally gutting to write, I'd much rather work on them.

Non Smosh Stuff

(I'll be honest, I'm so deep in the smosh obsession that you should not get too excited about any of these. I know myself, so I know the smosh flame will eventually burn out but these are based on things I will be obsessed with until I die. So I know they'll happen. But not for a long time)

19. A Phantom of the Opera one-shot for @aro-soulmates-fest. This is the one thing I will actually write within a reasonable amount of time, because it's due March 17.

20. "Baby, please don't bore me" — A Series of Unfortunate Events — Sunny (well, Sorrel in this version because oops I transed their gender) teams up with Olaf to find their siblings after years of separation. I find them to be a very interesting chaotic, morally gray, bantery duo.

21. "Because the same night awaits us all" — ASOUE — A Klaus/Lemony fic that I swear I will write someday. Very morally gray, very much a codependent relationship, very leaning into the age gap. Basically they're together because they do not have anyone else in the world. It's just so delicious a dynamic that I will explore I swear.

22. ASOUE — I'm still not entirely convinced I'll ever be bothered to actually write this one, but I might do a Kit/Fernald FWB thing. I'm not sure where on earth the idea of that came from, but it's been living in my head for a long time now. Long enough that there's an early one-shot version of it that I don't really like anymore on *gasp* fanfiction.net

If anyone actually bothered to read all the way to the end of this long-ass post, you deserve a medal.

[pomrania]

Draw Everything June (henceforth DEJ) is coming up, so here's what you need to know about it.

For the month of June, AdorkaStock will be releasing a new pose reference photo each weekday morning; there's a whole event, it's fun and you should look into it if you draw, or you're thinking about drawing, or heck if you write and you're interested in some non-traditional prompts.

Here's how I do DEJ. When I get online for days when there's a new pose, I make a quick doodle of that, then I post "hey here's what the DEJ pose is for today, does anyone have a queer D&D (or other gaming system) character that would fit this pose?" Then I work on neatening up that sketch from reference, getting increasingly obnoxious (because I'm increasing desperate) about asking for a character. Once someone gives me their character to draw in that pose, I ask them about what their character looks like, and work on drawing THAT character in the given pose. I need to know what Pride flag/s apply to the character, because I colour it in using that colour scheme; so, a lesbian character would be rendered in shades of pink and orange, for example. I need to get a piece done before the next pose comes out, and generally that means I need to get it started and finished on the same day, but if a pose releases on Friday then I can work on it over the weekend.

I can't do this without you. Literally, I can't, my brain won't let me; also I don't have any characters of my own to draw. And there's a REALLY long rant I have inside me about this, but it boils down to "just trust me when I say that a) I can only do this a certain way, b) I want to do this, and c) it's not an imposition if I specifically ask for you to make requests".

I like it when multiple different people go "hey my character would work well for this pose", because then I have the option of choice; and if I don't pick your character for THAT pose, then it's going on a list so that character WILL get draw, even if it ends up being in July.

Below the cut I'm putting some more clarification about what characters I'll draw; this hasn't changed from previous years, but if you find yourself thinking "oh they wouldn't draw MY character", please check this to make sure.

Will draw:

a character I drew for a previous year's DEJ

an NPC from your game (if you're the GM)

your queer D&D character

your queer character from a non-D&D TTRPG

your queer character from a weird indie one-shot you'd played once

multiple characters from the same person

your friend's queer TTRPG character, if you can sufficiently describe the character

a character with or without visual reference, and whether you clearly know what they look like or where you just have vague vibes of their appearance or anything in between

a character you're currently playing

a character you're no longer playing

a character you've already made up, but haven't yet gotten the chance to play

a character who has or hasn't had artwork done of them

a character who doesn't have a specific queer identity (the rainbow flag is very useful)

Won't draw:

a character I've already drawn in DEJ 2024, unless that character experienced a massive redesign

a character from an actual-play stream or podcast, because that counts as fanart and not "drawing your character"; UNLESS you're the person who plays that character

a character who isn't queer

your BG3 character, or your character from any other video game, because that's not a TTRPG no matter what its system is based on

a character who exclusively wears all black that covers most of their body (but I can work with you to come up with another outfit for them)

"oh just use my character for whatever pose you need"

your non-game RP character

[faejilly]

writing patterns

Rules: List the first line of your last 10 (posted) fics and see if there's a pattern!

tagged by @junemermaid, no-pressure tagging anyone who would like, because I have no idea who's seen and either done or passed on this one lately. PLEASE PLEASE DO IT AND BLAME ME IF YOU HAVE EVEN THE SLIGHTEST INCLINATION, I love seeing these things, I'm just brain-dead re: tagging today. 💙

1. Vakarian makes Shepard feel old.

Chicory, Mass Effect, Weaver Shepard, not on AO3 yet because I'm trying to turn it into a series of first/early impressions of the ME1 crew from Shepard's perspective. But then I've done Kaidan's first impression of Shepard already, so I can't decide if I should do her version of that or figure out another one. But also should I add Joker? I should always add Joker. But then in what order? (You can see the overthinking process here, can't you?) SOMEDAY I WILL WRITE WEAVER & TALI AND IT WILL BE DELIGHTFUL. She adores Tali. But also wishes to keep her safely in engineering 99% of the time. BUT ALSO...

anyway. back to sentences. ->

2. Emmett had known that he would see her.

Almond Blossoms, 7kpp, Emmett/Sheltered Princess & a lot of chaperone POV's. Also I posted that in September last year so this is clearly going to be a little depressing in terms of my ongoing 'am I a writer anymore?' existential crisis

3. “Don’t move.”

Never Again, Shadowhunters, Malec, sort of omegaverse, sort of weird magic bonds, a very belated prompt fill from the @knotinmyname anti-ai-scraping event.

4. The Matchmaker may have announced them, they may consider themselves engaged, this might be exactly what they should be doing as these connections are exactly what the Summit claims to be for… but Nathalie’s a 'known’ seductress and suspected murderer, but Clarmont’s only 'allowed’ here for the Royal Family to keep an eye on him, to make sure he knows how generous they are being with their mercy.

Relief, 7kpp, Clarmont/Ambitious Widow (Revaire feels!). Yes, that is just one sentence. Yes, I did that on purpose. No, I probably shouldn't have, but idc. 😅

5. Alec hasn’t even been Marked, still technically a fledgling rather than a Shadowhunter, when he learns that most nephilim can’t hear their weapons sing.

untitled eldritch angel powers prequel, Shadowhunters, Alec Lightwood & Politics is my jam, even when he's like 10 or something. As is weird magic and angel lore that I get to make up! Not on ao3 because I think it's going to be in a bigger thing, but I haven't actually done it yet, but I also get really tired of trying to rearrange my AO3 stuff because then I lose links and comments and brain power that should have been used for maybe writing something again some day.

6. All the dealers know Magnus’ name.

Fluff for @foodsies4me! Malec Auctioneer AU on the floor because it made me smile. (I used to be an auction block clerk.)

7. A familiar flare lit up his apothecary, and Magnus reached out to catch the fire message.

working title is 'wtf the clave is competent' and this is another playing-with-lore Shadowhunters prequel (that will eventually be Malec) started off via a Tangential Tuesdays prompt (which is a thing I would like to properly do again, but I keep not writing which makes it tricky)

8. An Omega heir to two old bloodlines in line for a Headship was something the Nephilim hadn’t seen in almost a century, and ought to have been prestigious enough for Alec to have chosen any path or mate he wanted. [x]

9. That was Magnus. [x]

These are both omegaverse prompts for the aforementioned anti-ai event and actually posted on time last June. Both Shadowhunters and Malec and just little bits and pieces of almost things. And fun on their own, imo, but. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

10. Cullen thought he’d gotten used to seeing this new Hawke in Haven.

Gladiolus, Cullen/Hawke, Dragon Age: Inquisition (Hawke as Inquisitor). Another prompt fill, a ficlet for a collection I have on AO3; its continuing existence is almost entirely @jadesabre301's fault.

Well, picking chapters and scenes posted on tumblr rather than my ao3 was probably good for my sanity, since my ao3 is a bit of a mess.

I seem to start with very declarative sentences this past year or so: we are here and this is what we're dealing with. Which is not... how I have previously concluded this meme, but I'm not sure that it's really any different than usual, just more obvious. It's a habit developed, I think, in writing relatively short-fic and also playing with lore or setting, because I very much need to set up my framework if I want anyone else to follow it.

I definitely should try and play some ME and/or watch some Shadowhunters and clean up some of the bits that I would really really like to have as finished stories though. This has successfully reminded me that I do, in fact, usually like writing and still think like a writer, so that's probably good!

/thank you june 🥰

[cljordan-imperium]

hey! this is chance & here’s week 3’s prompt. share an excerpt that you’re very proud of from any of your wips.

I thought I had shared this before here on Tumblr, but I've searched both this blog and @theimperiumchronicles and cannot find it. That doesn't mean that I haven't, it means I can't find it. SO...I'm going to take this opportunity to share it again. My piece I'm most proud of is linked under the History link in my pinned post, it is Pixies. This is the 2nd most proud and less shared. The title was "All Things Die". And I cried like a baby writing it, because I felt the emotions of my characters as I wrote it. I hope it will at least a tiny impression on y'all. This is a bit longer than my normal posts at 4269 words.

Standing erect, Abbadon surveyed the courtyard.  He was relieved that apparently none of them had been touching one of those beings that were attacking them.  Nothing they’d done had seemed to affect them.  Only their wards even slowed them down.  He hadn’t been sure that they were even going to survive to make it home.

Turning in a slow circle, he caught sight of Talia standing in Leandre’s arms.  So that is who had found her!  He started to cross over to her, “Talia!”

“Boss!” Thinius tried to get his attention.

“I’m so sorry it took us so long!”  

“Abbadon!”  Thanases growled.

“Did they hurt you?” Abbadon’s face became a mask of concern.

“Your Majesty!” Arioch yelled starting to head towards the King.

“We have a suite prepared for you.”  Abbadon looked down at her as she tried to crawl inside Leandre.

“Hey!  Asshole!” Abbadon turned his head finally just in time for Adriel’s fist to slam into the side of his face. “You seem to have missed your bride is still on that godforsaken planet!”

Leandre let go of Talia and headed for Adriel, “NO!”

Before he could reach the Angel, Adrield slammed his fist into Abbadon’s head again.  Standing up he walked over to where Dez was standing stunned.  He put his hand up to Dez’s head.  “Mist there.  You see it?  You have the power to do it.”

Dez nodded and they both disappeared.  As they did, everyone stared at Abbadon like he’d lost his head.  The way he was behaving, he just might have.

When Dez and Adriel appeared in the center of the tower nothing looked different.  There were no footprints leading out of the black goo that coated the walls and floor.  “We’re too late.  FUUUUUUUCCCK!” Adriel screamed and slammed his fist into the wall.  

“Adriel?”

He heard Brie’s voice but he couldn’t see her.  He and Dez both turned in a circle trying to figure out where it was coming from.

Mithos dropped his ward and both of them appeared.  Well, he appeared and a set of legs between and behind his from what both Dez and Adriel assumed was Brie.  Obviously she had been doubly protected.  Both were relieved.

Mithos stepped forward to shake hands with the two males, “You guys took long enough.  A few more hours and I couldn’t have held a ward any longer.”

“We were only gone a few minutes..maybe five?” Dez looked confused.

“Not here.  Here you were gone several hours.”  Brie stepped up next to Mithos, keeping in close to his side.  “Where is Abbadon?” She looked between Dez and Adriel.  It wasn’t that she wasn’t happy to see them, but why hadn’t her mate come?

Dez and Adriel exchanged wary glances.  How did they answer that without upsetting her more?  “He’s...uh...a little distracted dollface.”  Dez offered, it was the best he could do.  He would not lie to her.  

They could see that upset her, but it completely enraged Mithos.  “Distracted?  His Queen is stuck in this hell and he’s DISTRACTED?!” 

Adriel held his hand up, “we can discuss this later.  Dez, get us the fuck out of here.”

“I’m not sure I have the power to get us back.  Getting here took a lot of power for.”  Dez sighed.

“Then we’ll use mine.  I’ll give you the power, you get us home.” Brie looked at all of them.  Her face was grim, but she was resolute.

“I can’t allow that, M’Lady.  You have not fully regained your power.  It could put you into stasis.”  Mithos took her by the shoulders and bent down to look her straight in the face.  He couldn’t let her do it, wouldn’t let her.

“Take.me.home.  If we stay here we will die.  You all will die.  I will die  And it will be my fault.”  She looked at them with tears in her eyes.  “Mithos, you’re here because you were shielding me and it somehow blocked us leaving.  Dez, Adriel, you came looking for me.  I can’t have you die here; I can’t watch you die here.  I know you will die defending me, which means /I/ die last and after I’ve watched them kill you.  Don’t ask me to do that!”  Tears made slow tracks down her face as she looked at them.  “Take me home Dez.  Take me home where the last face I see can be Cruz before I fall asleep.  Where he will not mourn without a grave to visit, but at least have...something...  Take me home, please.  And live your lives happy and not die here.  We won’t survive, if I’m going to die at least let it mean something.”

Dez wanted to deny her, but he couldn’t tell her ‘no’.  He pulled her into his chest and nodded to the other two.  She wasn’t going to die; no matter what he had to do, he wasn’t going to let her die.  As her power started to flow through him, he made a vow to whatever deity happened to be listening that he would find a way to save her in the end.  Closing his eyes, he attempted to mist them back to the Palace.

While it had been over fifteen minutes on the planet, it was only a few seconds that passed in the Palace.  When the four arrived, they were all weak and fell to their knees.  Dez kept a tight hold on Brie, but she was completely limp.  

“CRUZ!  She’s going into stasis!”  Dez yelled, trying to keep from dropping her.  He was sure that the creepy fucker would kick his ass later, and he’d take it.  

Cruz came running, almost sliding across the ground to take his sister in his arms.  “How?”  He could barely talk, barely breathe, pain so deep and strong it was overwhelming him.  No one else moved, all were stunned into silence.  His hand hovered over her as shock and horror played across his face.  This couldn’t be happening; how was this happening?

“I couldn’t make it back on my own.  Mithos was exhausted from keeping her safe for hours that passed there in the few minutes we were here.  Adriel didn’t have the power.”  Dez explained between heavy pants and fighting back emotion.  He was sitting between Mithos and Adriel.  All now on their asses with their feet out in front of them, they looked ready to drop at any moment.  “She didn’t want to die there bro and she didn’t want us all to die.  We couldn’t have survived if we’d stayed.  She just wanted to be home,” he swallowed as emotion threatened to overwhelm him.  “She wanted to be with you.”  A tear slowly made its way down his cheek.  Maybe they all should have died together; the guilt started eating him alive.

Abbadon stood off to the side, the only one near him now was Talia, who looked horrified.  Hands to her mouth she stared in horror.  Looking over to her father, he appeared blank.  Maybe he was stunned into inaction, but he almost seemed...bored?  Was this some kind of trick the beings were playing on her?  Her head swung back back to look at Cruz and she did something she hadn’t done in a long, long time...she prayed.

“NOOOOO!!!”  Cruz almost screamed as Deacon and Olly finally came running over.  He cradled his sister as if she were a child, her body limp and growing colder.  She wouldn’t die, but she would never truly be alive again.  He hand raised to push hair off her forehead that had been stuck in the black ooze that was the blood of those beings.  “Sister mine, open your eyes.  You can’t leave me yet.”  His voice was wracked with pain and his shoulders shook with emotion.  In his chest, it felt like his heart was being squeezed in a vice, his lungs were refusing to breathe.  He was petting her hair, trying to will life back into her.  There had to be something, anything that he could do.

Thinius and the rest of her guard drew near; none could believe what they were seeing.  How could Abbadon have left her there?  How could he not have gone back?  As they looked to Mithos, he was a man devastated.  The expression on his face said it all, he felt he’d failed and it would forever haunt him.  It was also clear the male had not one bit of strength remaining, Dez hadn’t been exaggerating.

“Fight it, damn it.  FIGHT!  You’ve done this once, you won.  Don’t you damn well leave me!”  Cruz’s voice was strained as he felt Olly and Deacon lay hands on his shoulders.  The shadow of the guard fell over them, he knew he wasn’t alone but he’d never felt more so.  She was the only one who looked at him and smiled, who loved him.  He’d never knew he needed anyone, and one tiny female had changed that.  She’d made him feel again, and now he felt everything he’d prayed he never would.

Adriel moved, slowly and shakily toward Cruz and Brie.  Raguel finally moved to help him, his heart breaking for the Angel.  As much as Raguel had looked over Brie, Adriel had thought of her as his own child.  Now that child was going somewhere that none could follow, and somewhere she’d never come back from.  There was nothing that any of them could do to stop it.  Adriel was becoming an Angel broken, devastation overwhelming him as he laid a hand on Brie’s head.  He’d known she wasn’t strong enough to do this, but he couldn’t deny her wish to be back here.

Still Abbadon stood off to the side, unmoving and his face blank.  Talon looked over and shook his head, tears streaming down his face.  His friends, dear god, they were losing the most important thing to them.  Yet, through this, his dad seemed unaffected.  Where had his love for her gone?  Had his jealousy so overpowered him that he’d lost all touch with reality and decency?

Cruz felt the moment that Brie fell into stasis.  All of her emotions were gone, her breathing almost stopped and she grew even colder.  The sound that came from him was one of utter devastation and loss.  All assembled dropped their heads in mourning and in respect; while all felt loss the all knew that none felt it like he did.

“No greater love.  That’s what my son said.  No greater love has one than to lay down their life for their friends.” 

Heads lifted and turned towards the sound of the Divine’s voice.  Where had he been?  Why show up now?  It was all over.

“Why are you here, father?”  Raguel asked confused.  He was holding Adriel’s shoulders to keep the other Angel sitting upright.

“I was summoned, I guess you could say.”  He said as he looked around at the confused faces that were looking at him.

“Summoned,” Adriel said, breathing hard through the pain he was feeling, both physical and emotional.  “You can’t be summoned.  You’re the Divine..God.”  

“Ah, yes, you are correct.  However, some interesting things just happened here.  Things that quite frankly surprised me some.”  He looked over to Cruz, who wasn’t even acknowledging his presence.  1,500 years of faithful service and now the Nephilim thought he’d been abandoned.  He could feel the loss of the male, and how he now felt lost himself.  His poor child, such a tragedy.  A tragedy that didn’t have to happen, but he’d get to that later.

“Which would be?”  Deacon asked, his voice quiet and choked.  One of the only friends he had in the world, and quite possibly his best friend, lay essentially dead.  He wanted the Divine to get to the point so that they could take care of her, or what was left of her.

“Forgive me, my child, of course.  I hear all prayers, and all are answered.  Some don’t like the answer they get, just as children don’t always like what their parents say.  And today I received some interesting prayers.”  Now everyone but Cruz was looking at him, wondering what the fuck he was talking about.  “Human prayers are rather quiet, I barely notice them.  The prayers of my Nephilim, now those are louder.  The prayers of my Angels, louder still.  Today I discovered something though. Something that /I/ didn’t know because it had never happened before.”  Everyone looked at each other confused.

“See, when Lucifer, the Princes, and all of their followers were kicked out of Heaven, they pleaded to get back in.  I’ve heard their pleading since it happened.  It’s like background noise that you learn to ignore.  But today...today I found out what happens when Demonic Nephilim and pure Demons pray.  Oh and not just pray but pray to ME to do something, not for themselves...but someone else.  They make my Angels sound like they’re whispering.”  His gaze swept over to Mithos then Thinius and the Guard then over to Arioch, all of whom looked absolutely stunned.  “Yes, you were heard boys.”

Now Cruz turned his head to look at the Divine.  His eyes rimmed red, for the first time in 1,000 years, he cried.  His heart was shattered, and the Divine’s words seemed to just be dragging him through the razor sharp jagged pieces of it.  There was a buzzing in his ears that only made whatever anyone said sound like it was through a drive through speaker.  “And?”

The Divine walked over and whispered something in Cruz’s ear.  No one could hear a thing, but Cruz held his sister tighter and openly wept.  Had the Divine said he’d do nothing?  Had he just came down to say he’d been heard?  All knew deities could be royal assholes, but was this really the time for that?

Olly’s hand tightened on Cruz’s shoulder.  He was losing his patience.  “I take it we’re not going to like the answer.”  His voice was hard and cold; it belied his true feelings of loss and grief.

“Oh, we’ll get to that.”  The Divine pointed at Olly.  “Keep that thought.”  He looked around and turned back to Abbadon.  “FIRST, I honestly want to know something from you.”  Pointing at the Destroyer, he started to walk over to him.  “Why were YOU the only one who didn’t pray?  You didn’t just not pray to me...you didn’t pray to anyone!  I asked.  Your daughter did, and she hates Brie.  Your DEMON friends did.  YOU didn’t.  And, even more importantly, why the ever loving fuck am I here? You could have gone back and gotten her. And for pity’s sakes, once they were back you could have saved her yourself!”

“WHAT?!”  Leandre lunged forward to be caught by Thinius and Andronicus before he could get too far.  They looked no happier, but thought it might be better to let the two sons of the Source have it out rather than getting into the fray.

“You bastard!”  Thanases added, helping to pull Leandre back.

“Father?”  Talon asked moving over towards where Talia was standing.  “He’s lying.  Tell us he’s lying.”  No, his father loved Brie.  He wouldn’t have forgotten her on another planet.  There was no way he’d let her fall into stasis.  Was there?

“Abbadon?”  Arioch asked when the other male didn’t move or respond.  “Tell him he’s wrong.  Tell him there is no way you would let her basically die if you could stop it.  Tell him, or consider your life forfeit.”  Someone finally put a voice to the words all of them were thinking.

“He’s not.” Abbadon replied flatly. Growls of rage echoed in the courtyard.  His head dropped, he didn’t know what to say.  He didn’t know what to think or how to feel.  Finally he looked back up at his brother.  “D, I don’t know.  I fucking don’t know.”  He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.  “All I’ve felt since you put those cuffs on our creator is possessiveness, jealousy, and apathy.  I missed that she was sick before, and I didn’t look for her when we got back.  It never crossed my mind.”  He stopped.  If he said more, it would  most certainly lead to extreme violence of which he would be on the receiving end.  

“And you don’t care one damn about any of it.” His brother finished for him.  He nodded.  “Wow!  That I did not expect, but maybe I should have.  We’ve noticed...” 

“Your Lordship, can we make a deal?”  Mithos’s voice cut in, causing all heads to turn.  Everyone, even the Divine, was surprised to see him standing.  Not standing steadily, but the male WAS on his feet.

“What deal?”

“If there has to be a death, let it be mine. I failed her.  It should be me.”  Mithos’s back went straight and his shoulders back, even though he was still swaying slightly.

“You would diminish her sacrifice?”

“She wanted to be here, with her brother.  She didn’t want us all to die on that goddamned planet.  It seemed the only way.  Let her have a life, and her brother have his sister back.  My vow to her was to give my life to save hers, regardless of circumstance.  To allow her to essentially die if I can trade my life for hers, that would be to break that vow.”  Dark eyes bored into the lighter ones of the Divine.

“And you’re willing to be damned into the bowels of hell?”

“Yes.”

“To have me send you to the deepest torture pits?”

Fear laced through Mithos’s heart, but he didn’t even blink before responding, “yes.”

“To spend eternity in unyielding and unending pain and agony, in all forms and fashions?”

His head was screaming for him to sit down and shut up.  The thought of it all was causing him to be filled with fear and almost to tremble; yet Mithos took one strong step forward.  “Did.I.stutter?”

No one moved.  Any of them would trade their lives for her, but none had thought to do it like this.  Now there was a bit of guilt amongst them all.  No one would diminish what Mithos was doing by trying to step in now though.  How he was even standing was a big enough mystery to them and spoke of his conviction of action.

“No.” The one word from the Divine seemed to almost crush Mithos and he swayed heavily.  Moving to him, the Divine put out a hand to the male’s shoulder to steady him.  “She’s not in stasis, she’s just asleep brave knight.  I fixed everything when I got here, that’s what I told her brother.”  Their eyes met and the Divine smiled ever so slightly.  “She is blessed to have a guard and loyal friend such as you.  I hope she never forgets that.  You are brave, very brave.”

At hearing that Mithos’s knees gave way.  The Divine helped him back down to the ground so he didn’t completely fall and lose face.  When he’d shown up the Divine already respected those of Demonic blood that were gathered.  He respected their Captain a lot more now.  Before standing, he leaned over close to Mithos and said something privately to him that had the Captain nodding his head. Everyone else felt they could finally breathe again, her guard all now looking relieved but also still highly enraged at their King.

Turning back to Abbadon the Divine just sighed and shook his head.  He couldn’t believe his brother, even more so now seeing the loyalty of those who had known her a far shorter time.  “Do you see what her Captain is willing to do?  Yet, again you never thought to even try to bargain with me for her life. Or better yet, to bring her out of stasis yourself.  Fucking hell, A, that was nothing for me to do.”  It was clear the Divine was grappling with what Abbadon was doing, or more correctly...not doing.   “Her guard hates you right now, in case you couldn’t guess.  Your own son REALLY hates you at the moment.  You honestly don’t want to know what my two Angels over there want to do with you.  And those two demons...yeeeeeaaaah...you REALLY don’t want to know.  And the other three Horsemen,” he cast a glance over to them.  “If I weren’t binding their powers, they might just unite against you.  You have completely pissed everyone here off except for your daughter, who is still about to pee herself from terror at this whole fucked up situation.”  The Divine nodded with raised eyebrows and a thin lipped smile.  

“I feel so much better now.”  Abbadon replied flatly, sighing.  “So, what’s wrong with me?”

“You’re lazy.”

“What the fuck does that mean?”  It came out as a growl.  He was getting tired of his brother being cryptic or just flatly holding back information.

“When we bound the creator’s powers, it affected us all.  There was a lot of him in all of us.  His anger and rage was what drove Brie to go batshit crazy whenever she got upset.  His love was what made Aphrodite who she is.  Get it?  We all got a little something from him.  Your basal emotions are all negative anyway, but you are the Destroyer after all, brother.  Unlike some of the rest of us, you didn’t even try to work on the part that was missing, the softer parts that Brie brought out in you.  You just went with what you were feeling and didn’t give a shit what the fallout was.  I guess that worked for you in the past; but it’s not going to work for you anymore.  Without the conscious effort to think about and care for others, you haven’t been.  She’s your bride; you should be devoted to her.  Instead she’s just a possession and something to keep away from everyone else.  Her well-being and happiness became just side notes for you, not to be worried about unless it becomes a problem.  Well big brother, you now have one major motherfucking problem.  Look around this courtyard.  Do it...look…”

He didn’t want to; he knew what he’d see.  They hated him, resented him, wanted to kill him, and right now he couldn’t blame them.  Finally his eyes scanned them all.  Other than Talia, who looked just as his brother had described her,  and Cruz, who wasn’t even looking up from Brie, they were all enraged.  Every.single.one. Of all of his fuck ups, he wasn’t sure there was any way that he could top this one.  This was the mother of all fuck ups.  Not to mention that he had a feeling that Brie was going to want to eviscerate him when she woke up, another wonderful thought for him to ruminate on.

“So how do I fix it?  I know I need to, but…”

“It doesn’t really bother you and you don’t really care if you do.  As long as I keep all of these people from causing YOU any pain, you don’t give a shit how they are affected.  Yeah, I know.”  D scrubbed a hand over his face.  “You know, if you don’t want them to stop caring I’m standing here and as a group kick your ass...you might want to shut the fuck up.  I know this is a new concept for you, you being the Destroyer and all…but you have some major fucking powerful creatures that want to annihilate you and I’m the only thing in their way.”  The Divine sighed, how DID his brother get this bad?  He’d always been a being of vibrant passions, deep and powerful.  Now he was like an empty shell of the being he’d once been.  Maybe there had been so much of the creator in him that removing it really had left him empty.

“Gee, thanks.”  

“Listen, I can talk to our siblings on Earth.  Maybe we can devise a way to help you.  None of us are ready to unleash our creator yet.  Trust me, it’s bad.  He has possibly gotten worse, and temper tantrums are constant.  Come with me to Heaven, we’ll meet with our family later.  However, staying here isn’t an option for you.  If you don’t come with me, you’ve got to go somewhere.”  The Divine looked over to Cruz, “it’s better you're not here when she wakes up.”

Abbadon nodded and followed his brother’s gaze.  That should be him, and yet he felt nothing watching it.  He realized the only reason he reacted to Talia was because he’d actually been rehearsing it for days.  It hadn’t been genuine emotions, just rote activities that he’d practiced in his head. “Let’s go.  I’m useless here.”  He turned to look back at his brother.  One failure after another, he felt pity for himself but oddly enough not for anyone else.

“Yes, you are now and you have been.  Be GONE!”  Everyone suddenly turned to look at Cruz again.  Adriel was now holding Brie, looking all the relieved father he was.  “You are not wanted by any of us either. You heard your brother.  Not by a one of us.  None cares one single fuck if you live or die.  Fix whatever the fuck is wrong with you, or DO.NOT come back.”  His hand was on his sword’s hilt and his eyes were firmly fixed on Abbadon.  Truly, he wanted to end the being, but he knew his sister loved the male.  For that reason alone, he would let the other male live….for now...

copyright 2019 - C.L.Jordan

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I threw a few extra of you on this tag just cuz I'm showing off. *blushes* I am REALLY proud of this one.... *toes ground*

[0809sysblings]

I was listening to Double's instrumental and there's like, the sound of a baby or small child?? What is going on??

very good question, i would also like to know the answer!

yeah tbh i don't have a very confident idea on what it means... i guess i've got a few possible ideas as to what it could signify but... again, i'm not confident in them so do with these what you will 👍!

also this is kinda long and rambly lol oopsie daisy...

it could represent John having been just born (as he directly refers to himself in the song as "a newborn" and also talks about how he was "born" only very recently in Neoplasm). now if this was meant to mean this, I would think they would have used the crying of a newborn baby to represent it since they cry when they're born, not laugh. which the audio seems to contain laughing, not crying. and newborns cannot laugh yet, only cry. so maybe instead of having just been born it's meant to allude to the fact that he's very very young.

TANGENT INCOMING...

--skip if you want it's not super relevant. maybe interesting to think about, but not completely relevant to this.--

cause i'm not really sure when exactly John split! was it before the murder(s)? during? after? idk lol.

i REALLY need to actually sit my ass down and read those long ass tarot card analysis posts for MeMe because i haven't really read any yet because i suffer from Cannot Fucking Sit Down And Focus To Read Giant Paragraphs Of Words disorder... which is ironic because i love rambling and making long posts. as you can see.

but anyway. maybe he split to deal with the stress leading up to it. or maybe he split to deal with the stress of the murder(s) having already happened and to take the responsibility even if he didn't actually kill anyone. it's not uncommon at all for an alter to split afterwards to take on the aspects of a trauma that can't be accepted.

for example- if Mikoto is the murderer, maybe John split to be someone who did want to murder the victim(s) and to be someone who doesn't feel any guilt over having done it. and then the other characteristics to his personality are to support this: unapologetic, doesn't take any shit, fine with being violent to protect himself and others, doesn't feel bad about rebelling, etc. hell, he could even legit believe he was the murderer depending on how far his role to take responsibility for it goes.

if John is the one shown mostly in Double (because there's certain imagery to suggest that maybe he isn't there for a lot of it. but also imagery to suggest he is. i hate it here my brain is too small for this), he may have not actually done the murder(s). if the inside of the train represents the subjective reality (not the objective reality) of what happened, so how John sees it, then that could be why he's doing the "killing" on the train even though we know the confirmed murder happened outside the train station. he's there to be the murderer, even if he may have not actually done it. and why we see mannequin pieces flying outside the train, where the murder occurred, as he swings from inside the train.

TANGENT END... yippee

ok i had another explanation but i cant seem to figure out how to word it... and also it's more to me like a "oh, an interesting nod to this thing maybe..." and less an actual theory.

if someone wants to add onto this with their own takes, please feel free <3. because i haven't thought too long or hard about this yet or any legit theories for the MV. despite being mikoto-pilled, i am more the type of person who likes to pick apart the psychology and subjective aspects of characters and behavior. not really... actual narrative theories.

thank you for the ask!! sorry i couldn't really answer anything for you though, hah...

[anneapocalypse]

Writing Wrap-up and 2024 Goals

It's a weird year to be doing a wrap-up, because I did not post a whole lot this year and I'm not sure I even set any goals last January thanks to having covid and being sick and exhausted for weeks, which still kind of feels like it threw off my whole year even though that sounds dramatic. Whatever. I've moped enough about it being a bad year for writing; now, I want to look forward.

2023 Wrap-Up

In case you'd like to read the one fic I did post this year, it's "Before You Go", a Loghain/Maric fic for Dragon Age (3022 words, rated E), which I am still quite happy with! And though it's not writing, I also made a podfic of RosellaWrites' gorgeous fic "let them not make me a stone (and let them not spill me)" (and if you're not interested in podfic you should still go read Rosella's fic, seriously, it's great).

While November 2022 was the last time I made substantial progress on A Hero Sleeps in Gwaren (my Briala/F!Tabris longfic for Dragon Age), I did make a few attempts to chip away at the draft this year. I didn't keep any records of what progress I made, but lucky for me Scrivener has a writing history feature that can at least give me a ballpark, and... it says I added 17,326 words to the draft this year (all in the first half of the year), which, not gonna lie, seems unreal to me. The first half of this year is mud in my head, so the fact that I did in fact get some writing done is really encouraging.

Over the summer, FFXIV started to really consume me as I had finished ARR by that point and my investment in the story was growing, and I also started taking a more active leadership role in my tiny free company, and so for the back half of the year I've mostly been writing little snippets about my Warrior of Light Ariane and her adventures and relationships, some of which may become part of actual fics later. This totals out to about 19,500 words at the moment.

So I only posted about 3000 words, but in total I wrote almost 40K this year. Is that a fantastic year, no... but honestly, it's a lot better than what my brain has been telling me I've accomplished this year, which is nothing. :P So I'm glad that I sat down to actually find the numbers!

Onward and upward.

So what's next?

2024 Goals

Fandom:

Finish one longfic.

Write and post a one-shot.

Do one exchange.

Original:

Outline an original novel.

Write a poem.

Send out one piece.

Tentatively my immediate plans are to get started outlining and then writing my Ariane/Haurchefant fic. I'm on the fence about February. On the one hand, it would be great to come back to my Briala/F!Tabris longfic for Femslash February, but on the other hand there's a high probability I'm going to be playing Endwalker by that point and I have no hope of keeping my head in Dragon Age during that time, so it's probably best not to commit to it. Dragon Age fic might be best saved for after I've caught up on MSQ when there are (hopefully) a few months still left to wait for Dawntrail and I can take a little break to let it marinate while I work on something else. My enthusiasm for the Briala/Tabris fic has not waned despite the long hiatus, and just yesterday I was reading bits of the draft and getting excited again, so I do hope to finish that this year and get to share it with you.

The alternate candidate for February is either keep working on the Haurchefant fic or in the case of a miracle in which I actually finish it this month (hah!), move forward with the next one I have planned, an Urianger/Moenbryda. That's unlikely but we'll see. I know I still have things to learn about Urianger in Endwalker, which I'm very excited for.

As for what exchange(s) I might do this year, I'm not sure yet! I haven't seen any announcements yet that Chocolate Box is running this year. Black Emporium and FemslashEx are both strong candidates for me. We'll see where I am when those roll around, or maybe something else will catch my eye!

Edited to add: Oh, yeah, also at some point we're supposed to get that final season of Red vs. Blue. I have a few outstanding projects in RvB but the main one that really matters to me is Radio Silence, my Carolina lost years fic. I'd love to use the series' send-off as a kick in the pants to finally finish that one, whenever that happens. We'll see!

Finally, I am making a conscious effort to reclaim my writing time, which traditionally has been the morning between 9 and noon because that's when my mind is the sharpest, but over the past I basically let that slip entirely and be taken over by either housework or gaming, just writing on the fly when something came to me. I'm not morning gaming anymore unless it's for a good reason (timed event I need to catch, etc, which is rare, and finishing yesterday's roulettes is not a good enough reason because the queues are slower in the morning and it just ends up eating more time than it needs to, they happen every day, it's fine).

On to 2024. Looking forward to it.

[softpromise]

20 questions

how many works do you have on ao3? 11 works!

what's your total ao3 word count? 385,785?! wow

what fandoms do you write for? i have primarily published for zelda and one fic for honkai star rail, i've been working on a number of genshin impact fics but we'll see if i ever finish any haha. i miss the days when i could get myself to just post chapters as i wrote them but now i feel like i have to have all or a significant amount done before publishing :')

what are your top 5 fics by kudos? to hold the sun (zelink, complete), pawn structure (zelink, complete), i could only have you in my dreams (danstelle, slowly whittling away at another chapter), thunderstruck (zelink, complete), all in a day's work (working on a re-write!)

do you respond to comments? always and i feel guilty if it takes me too long to respond!! writing fanfiction is fun and cathartic but the reason i publish it is to talk to people about it. please comment on fanfic and feel free to respond again when/if authors reply - it's one of my favorite things!

what's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? ummm i'd have to say i could only have you in my dreams but that's mostly because it's "unfinished" as it stands right now. i love reading and writing angst in a fic but i'm too baby to give something an actually angsty ending :x

what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? EVERYTHING ELSE but maybe to avoid a cliche (zelink, complete) because the entire thing was a cliche and predictable and i just wanted it to feel cozy

do you get hate on fics? umm i'm sure i have but i don't really dwell on it. if someone's hating on skill, go off, i'm not a writing major and i'm publishing fics for free. if they want to hate on content/themes, different strokes for different folks. if they think i've done something "wrong", then i'd much rather they bring it to my attention respectfully so i can do better and learn. but at the end of the day, fanfiction is for fun, and i publish things i love and am proud of, and i've been lucky to receive a warm reception!

do you write smut? if so, what kind? absolutely i do! i feel like what i've published is on the kinkier end of the spectrum for a more vanilla reader, but on the vanilla end for a more seasoned reader. i like playing with power dynamics and desperation and worship/infatuation/obsession.

do you write crossovers? if so, what's the craziest one you've written? i haven't, and i don't know that i would! i really like coming up with plots that rely heavily on canon (even if it's just in my own way lol), and struggle with writing concepts that don't. i'm not sure i could get myself to write a crossover, unless it somehow still felt possible within canon!

have you ever had a fic stolen? not to my knowledge!

have you ever had a fic translated? i haven't! i'm working on a specific fic that i'd love to have translated into ukrainian eventually, so if there's anyone reading this that might be able to help, hit me up!

have you ever co-written a fic before? yes! to hold the sun with @obsidiangst and @hyperphonic, and pawn structure with hyperphonic. i learned so much through both experiences (and, yes, i'm tagging you both to do this xo)

what's your all-time favorite ship? easily zelink, i've loved them ever since i was a kid. it's the pure love, the cyclical romances, the trauma and the angst and the slow burn... and the forever and ever and ever. i've been really into chilumi lately too - the dynamic of "more than meets the eye" childe and "aloof intergalactic goddess that cares, believe it or not" lumine. i just love pining hahaha

what's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will? *looks at wips folder* all?!?!?!?! just kidding (?). i'm really not sure! i did start a midzel piece a long time ago, inspired by carmilla, and i don't know that i'll pick that one up again. maybe i'll try to polish up what i have and put out a one shot instead of the slowburn longfic i wanted to do :')

what are your writing strengths? the easiest thing for me to sit down and write through to completion (pun very much intended) is smut! that's very often the part i finish first, while doing everything else in bits and pieces. i'm generally going for sexy but artsy, with the right mix (for me!) of blunt words and prose. i also feel that i'm good at characterizations that align with/expand upon canon.

what are your writing weaknesses? i definitely struggle with getting all of my thoughts onto the page, and i often have to read and re-read and RE-re-read to see if what i wrote makes sense (i.e. i didn't forget to include anything critical because my brain assumes it's already there). lately i've been having trouble with really connecting to writing, too, which makes the text feel shallow to me. working on being patient and writing one good sentence at a time!

thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? i love the idea and have a lot of thoughts so let me try to summarize! logistically, i would do it either in brackets (a la to hold the sun) or italics (if it was like a particular phrase in an otherwise english line) or just mention it, depending on the context. creatively, though, to me it's important (and fun!) to start by researching the culture. i also would be more comfortable including specific phrases/pet names rather than entire bouts of dialogue, unless i found a native speaker to help me!

first fandom you wrote for? zelda HAHA if i ever wrote any fanfic before that i don't remember it!

favorite fic you've ever written? hylia's greatest gift. it was something i felt was missing in the fandom, for a lot of reasons, and i think it represents what i'm best at writing as well as what i want to read. it's funny, it's lovely, it's sexy, and i really put no pressure on myself while writing it. i have something upcoming that can hopefully feel similar to me :)

thank you so much to @1up-girl for tagging me, i had so much fun reading your answers and then thinking through them myself! to anyone else reading, if you want to fill this out, consider yourself tagged - share your brain and @ me so i can read!!