#The bad thing I am not fit for living at all...
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Here's the thing -- Presidents have immunity for official acts. (BTW, they always have, the surprise part of the ruling was how broadly they were classifying official acts to make that fit and why Smith was able to refile amended charges that included almost all of the same charges.)
But BECAUSE they stretched it that far, there is precedent. Precedent is a powerful thing.
Now I have mentioned here before all of the various laws regarding military aid to Israel and how a President cannot unilaterally terminate a treaty (treaties belong to congress) or refuse to give funding or aid under that treaty (budget and treaties belong to congress) and trying would get the slapped down by the Court as overreach in about 12 seconds flat because the Court is dominated by those supported by the creepy death cultists who need Israel to keep existing until they die in fire in the their creepy death cult propechies... and that would be bad because it would create a precedent that would make it harder for a President to pull that kind of card to back them down.
That's still true but seeing as how Trump will 100% give them whatever they want anyway since he also is in deep with the death cultists, it's irrelevant trying to keep that option open.
But that does give Biden a chance to do something incredible right now. He can terminate that treaty and aid under it by executive order right now and put the Court in a position where either they sacrifice the Israel treaty (yay!!!!!) or they set a precedent that protects NATO (also a huge fucking win!!!!)
We live in a fascist state now so I can't guarantee that precedent will continue to mean a thing, but it's a shot to clear at least one foreign policy concern off the board that I am reasonably sure no one that is incoming knows how to counter.
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Based on this request I read wrong lol sorry, nonny! now here you go <3
CHARLES DATING A GREEK GIRL | CL16
Warnings: mentions of food; tooth-rotting fluff; mentions of family members; not proofread.
A/n: Just a quick reminder that there are many shades, experiences, and backgrounds when it comes to greeks and their culture, what I am writing does not resume everything, but rather brings a piece of it to the table. <3
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Charles is a sucker for 'hidden' places. Don't get him wrong, he loves the famous cities and countries, he lives in Monaco after all, but he loves those small places not everyone knows about. Places with tons of history and you hear the people who live around tell how it used to be and how the traditions changed around town; That's why he's so excited to travel to Greece and meet your family.
He'll be that person who buys books about Greece in the airport and reads the entire duration of the flight. By the time you're leaving the plane, he may know more about your country than you;
Charles is obsessed with Greek cuisine;
When you met he was starting to study Spanish as his fourth language, but gave up switching to Greek instead, because c'mon, he wants to understand all the gossip during family dinner;
Speaking of which - Charles will fit perfectly into the family, from the way he dresses (guess those books were onto something) to the small expressions your cousin taught him while showing him around the house;
There's meaning behind small actions. Your boyfriend knows it so the first time he says I love you it's in Greek (he confessed that it took him a week to master the correct way to say it, and he aced it);
Will cause havoc on the fandom when someone asks him if he prefers Italian or Greek pasta/bread and he simply stays silent;
Will casually tell you that you'll get married on a Greek island just like in the movies;
The wedding will include tons of traditions, of course, and you know it because you caught Charles talking with your parents about it one day;
He will get his whole family into the Greece-loving club - your family better find space to fit the Leclercs next summer because Arthur told you he would even take his girlfriend;
Charles will wear a bracelet with Greek eyes, a small gift you made and gave him a month into your relationship;
Overall just loves you and your culture and will be very outspoken about it. Nobody will dare to say a bad thing about Greece or hint that some other island is better than all the ones you have in your home country;
Honorary Greek citizen - he'll definitely ask how can he get citizenship and when you ask "WHY?" he'll simply say he's curious;
All things aside, he'd just love to show you around Monaco too. It doesn't have as many stories as you have in Greece, his words not yours, but it's still an amazing experience.
────── ⋆🪩 VOICEMAIL: I hope you guys liked it! Let me know your thoughts, it means a lot to me <3 *mwah*
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#millies inbox#anon#cl16#charles leclerc#op: headcanons#f1 fandom#f1 x reader#charles leclerc x reader#greek!reader#charles leclerc headcanon#charles leclerc imagine#f1 imagines#f1 headcanons
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This is very rambly-y because I am very tired, so bear with me, but I can't stop thinking about Jack and Joker.
Specifically, about Jack and Joker and the absence of choice
Do I wish Jack had time to confront Joke's absence from his life and feel that pain, absolutely (I argue that he got to speed run that experience in that moment right after Amma said he'd been taken, but it would have been infinitely more satisfying to have it drawn out. To find a shirt left behind, or an empty place on a table)
I wish he'd had to sit with that, and feel that grief and regret, and gone to bring Joke back to him only to find him missing.
I wish Joke had time to get angry, and that Joke's self flagellation had been given more acknowledgement and resistance than Hoy and Arun trying to stop him from physically hurting himself, because Joke has spent most of his life taking all the blame for every wrong thing, and I don't think anyone has ever told him that they shared or took responsibility for a wrong that Joke felt culpable for (with the exception of his dad, when he apologized at the school, which Joke immediately shut down and minimized and emphasized his own fault).
BUT
So much of this show is about the choices we don't have, and how we live in the space between those choices we don't get to make. The friends we make and keep, the little joys we find, the family traditions we keep up with.
The stories we tell ourselves to get through each day (here I'm thinking about Joke and his forgiveness campaign, and Jack and his 'this is for my grandma and my community' narrative, and Save and his 'i have to do this for Hope' that lets him justify his bad acts, and Tattoo trying to make something useful, and Hoy believing in the good of his friends, and Arun adjusting his whole life to fit into this new family, and Rosé telling herself she's a good person and not like those 'other' rich people, and Amma just loving her grandson and all her bonus grandkids).
And, crucially, Joke is one of the only characters who we see making choices that he isn't forced into by circumstance. (Sort of, but that's a whole other thing)
He chooses to be a thief to try to help expose corruption (and to get his parents attention, but that doesn't work until it does).
He chooses to help Jack, and when that has bad consequences for Jack, he chooses to turn himself in.
Joke chooses to pursue Jack in order to apologize -- he devoted 5 years of his life to the sole purpose of atoning.
He chooses to help Tattoo and Hoy. He chooses to live with these people and become a part of their lives. He chooses to work for forgiveness. He chooses to give up everything, if it means Jack is happy.
He chooses, and he still loses. He still hurts himself and the people he loves.
And Joke deserves to be chosen, this time.
He deserves to be fought for, and to be told that his pain matters. He deserves to know that he is worth choosing.
And I get that it feels like we might not see that -- that Joke might not get to hear that.
BUT
I think the show has left space for all of that.
I think that Jack -- Jack and all their friends -- coming for him means something.
Jack claiming him as his boyfriend, immediately and without hesitation, while defending him, means something.
The two of them facing Boss together for the first time, instead of coming at it from different angles and keeping secrets from each other while trying to solve The Boss Problem, means something.
I have not been disappointed by this show (hurt deeply, yes, but not disappointed!) and I don't think that they'll do it in the last episode either.
I think we saw Jack realize it was time to step up and give Joke the unwavering support and devotion that he gave to Jack, and that we are going to get the emotional payoff that we -- and Joke -- deserve, and that our happy ending will be emotionally satisfying and cathartic for us as an audience, and for these characters who so deeply deserve it.
Joke wants to move forward with honesty, and that doesn't just mean no lying; it means sharing what you're feeling, something they've both struggled with, and both promised to do better with. And both failed at.
But we've still got a whole episode left to see them choose each other, and to make sure that Joke knows he is loved as he is, and for Jack to get to apologize, and I think we're going to get it.
#jack and joker#idk how much sense this makes i am 70% asleep sorry y'all#i just have a lot of feelings
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THE. HERTA.
The writers from the Intelligentsia Guild wanted to give me an extra title. Something like "Herta Prime" to separate me from my puppets. How banal. Are the puppets not "me" as well? So, I gave them a suggestion — if they dared to write that, then I would call myself THE Herta. It's short, simple, straight to the point, and elegant.
Esteemed member #83 of the Genius Society, human, female, young, beautiful, attractive. It's said that she lives in the far edge of the Cosmos, almost never leaving. Sounds like her appearance this time... must be to deal with an issue that has to be handled herself, right?
Image and above text taken from Hoyo's English account on Twitter.
OH MY GOD I'M HYPED! And just this alone already feels right. I'll admit when I first saw her I went "Teen Lisa" at the design... But it's a teenager which is kind of major to me. Framing her that young fits exceptionally well with who she has been throughout the entire game. Hear me out:
When we first meet her, she's a petulant, uncaring brat who just wants to play with her toys and hardly cares for people who don't make her life more fun. A bad ending to Star Rail's beginning is sticking around and Herta losing interest in you because of the lack of change. All she cares about is her simulated universe.
By the time Ruan Mei is there though, she's spent a lot more time at the Space Station than she ever has before. She now has a group of peers she has been working with for a long while, something implied she hasn't done really, much like Ruan Mei. But instead of just taking charge and telling the others what geniuses they'll recruit, she's asking for input, wanting their thoughts, stuff like that. She is learning her game is more fun with more players.
A sidequest in Penacony pushes her the next step where she is given a heavy weight. A weapon used to destroy entire star systems. She doesn't mock the scientist, the gift or the weapon like she might have at the start. She treats the Stellaron in us as just a weapon to be played with after all. No, she solemnly tucks it away for later, respectful of the wish that someone who can maybe use it for good have it. It's a responsibility that she must accept, properly, with no one like Asta to shirk it off to. Instead of trying to ignore it though, she treats it with respect.
Finally, we have the Unknown Domain which has a LOT to it about Herta potentially opening up due to it being about something so critical to who she is... But the one I want to zoom in on is the ending. For someone who saw themselves as so high and mighty, who theoretically treats the universe as a curiosity to be replicated, who can only be interested in the strange and unknowable, the curiosities of existence... She gives a mundanite comfort. Thanks someone who could never approach her understanding for giving her the first step into being who she is. She knows it's a simulation but she feels that weight enough to feel the need to thank the simulation regardless.
And now she deems something so important that she comes herself? What could that possibly mean? She needs to kiss Ruan Mei? I can't even begin to properly guess but I am excited to put it mildly because we have gotten to see this teenager, some loli bait doll, become a young woman and now we'll get a physical manifestation of it and I LOVE IT.
Also, just a shout out to the description perfectly explaining why she's Ice Erudition again. "The puppets are me." So why would she be anything other than just a refined, perfected version of the puppets? Also she uses a keyblade/staff which makes the Kingdom Hearts fan in me happy and I'm just SO curious what we're going to see with her. A Herta who summons other Hertas? Does she spin with the key? Is the portal cat an actual thing to her? GIVE ME MORE INFORMATION STAR RAIL!
But for now, I am just excited to let my mind expand thanks to this first turn of her key to let us see who she will be. I just hope it's as exciting when she opens the door properly. See you next tale.
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A reminder my asks are open and I'd love questions about Star Rail or even story ideas! I struggle more with concepts to write about for Star Rail far more than I wish I did and I'd love to hear your all's thoughts for a font of inspiration.
I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!
I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.
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And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.
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Ohhhhhhh noooooooooooo when will it end for real
#I want to experience horrors in fiction not real life#Cue me being 20 and not knowing how the world works#Now I know (ohhhh now I know...)#Catching up with stuff one usually deals with in teenage years just now in wartime is uhhhh. Not a pleasant feeling#Me: *literally spent the least money possible on two pairs of shoes and a hoodie*#Mom: You Know You Should Emigrate To Britain And Get A Job And Let's Convert All Your Leftover Money To Dollars Because Things Could Explod#Yeah I know things could explode I'd love to explode with them thanks#God knows father only married this woman bc she could cook tasty food and he could bear all the craziness forever#Now they both hate me because I remind them of their partner... Bing bong that's how kids work you should have known by the age of 35!!!#Now I need a psychologist to just process their issues they gave me... And then my own#Maybe I really should call it quits and spend money how I want. And live how I want#The bad thing I am not fit for living at all...#Will I ever. I don't know
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Honestly, having good days like this is good for me mentally. Because not only does it put my usual struggles into perspective, forcing me to accept that I have a tendency to severely downplay just how much they impede me... but it also gives me perspective about my self perceived laziness.
Like, the fact that I become almost abnormally productive and energetic compared even to abled people the very instant that my pain and all of the other issues are all gone? I'm not lazy! And I know logically that teachers telling me that over and over growing up was wrong, but it still shocks me in new ways to this day just how deeply ingrained this perception of myself is.
Like, is it laziness? Or am I just averse to doing things that will physically punish me? Today reminded me that it's very much the latter.
#and its not even an overcompensation thing#i am genuinely ambitious and energetic by nature! in fact i think thats part of why i still manage to do some things#im also optimistic at heart because im always excited to try new things and dont really fear failure or being bad at it#i guess persistent is another fitting word#ALL THAT TO SAY today is most likely what i would be like all the time if i wasnt ill!#and so i once more ask myself: in what world could 'lazy' ever be remotely true#its strange how vindicated i feel rn but its so like#idk ive been so down this whole year but recently theres been a major turnaround mentally#i cant explain it but i feel like theres a new level of self acceptance after today#that its not all in my head and that im not making a bigger deal out of my issues than is valid#because if i were anywhere near healthy i would live like today EVERY day without even thinking about it#silvi talks
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Randomized Robins AU - Ages + Worst Trait Exercise:
Steph (25):
Says her worst trait is her murderous rages (she is exaggerating for dramatic/comedic effect, she’s killed 3 people tops and for very good reason)
Thinks her worst trait is her spitefulness (one of the few traits she definitely got from her father + one that prevents her from fixing her relationships and living her best possible life. She’ll refuse to interact with someone she dearly loves after an argument (happens significantly less after Tim’s death) or will say things she knows are hurtful just for the sake of having the last word. This trait will worsen in some ways as the list of people who have wronged her and those she loves grows, but will also ease up as she matures and realizes the harm it’s doing to her relationships with those she loves most.)
Her worst trait really is her spitefulness
Cass (26)
Says her worst trait is her self-righteousness (she believes that her goals are righteous and, as a result, she is righteous. Cass becomes very defensive whenever someone questions the mission and often does not second-guess herself. This is a trait she only develops later in life as she grows closer to Bruce/learns to understand herself more/starts to love herself more. But she knows she isn’t perfect and when somebody she trusts criticizes something she is doing she is willing to listen. She just usually isn’t the one to START the introspection.)
Thinks her worst trait is her self-righteousness.
Her worst trait actually is her obsessiveness (she gets it from Bruce and, while not as bad as him, she will easily become preoccupied with her night-life and the mission if someone isn’t there to pull her back. She will do this to the point of self-destruction and it hurts her relationships with the people she loves, especially Steph.)
Tim (24)
Says his worst trait is his spitefulness (he actively rejects the idea of mending his relationships with the older members of the family and this causes him to also lack good relationships with the younger ones)
Thinks his worst trait is his obsessiveness (similar to Cass, if he gets fixated on a task or idea he will neglect everything else in his life in order to dedicate more time to it. Unlike Cass, he will almost never be dragged away from it unless Pierrot snatches control of the body and forces them to take care of themself.)
His worst trait actually is how manipulative he is (the KING of guilt-tripping and using people’s emotions against them. He’ll do whatever he needs to do to get what he wants, he’s not above crocodile tears. And he will do it to whoever he needs (or wants) to with little care for how his actions impact others.)
Pierrot (Insists: “Age doesn’t apply to me! And even if it did, I'd probably be the oldest. Or the youngest! I’d never be a middle child, though.” Mental assessments by the Bats have put him around 21, with a margin of error of 3 years. Pierrot has called this “blatant character assassination by my eternal rival!”)
Says his worst trait is that he is an irredeemable psychopath without any regard for the wellbeing of others (this is a lie and everyone who's important to him understands this).
Thinks his worst trait is his parasitic nature (he literally would not exist had Tim not suffered the way he did. Plus he is a living reminder of one of the worst things that happened to many of his loved ones. He is a parasite injected into a functional person's body and contributes to his continued suffering. This is also a largely incorrect judgement of himself, caused by his actual worst trait.)
His worst trait actually is his limited sense of self (he doesn’t really know who he is outside of ‘inheritor to the legacy of the Joker (a man he despises yet also views as a father)’ and ‘chip in Tim’s brain that became sentient’. He slowly develops an identity over the course of his life and relationships with other people, but he lacks the foundations of identity that most people have. Pierrot will often almost become a caricature of himself and what others perceive him to be because it's the only person he knows how to be. This causes wild swings in how he behaves and relates to others, sometimes to the detriment of himself and others.)
Dick (17)
Says his worst trait is his clinginess (he is a very extraverted person who likes to be around others, which mixed with his fear of abandonment after his parents died means that if he goes a few days without seeing/talking to a friend he will get very anxious.)
Thinks his worst trait is his anger issues (he gets ticked off very easily and will explode on people. He’s kind at his core and is usually very nice, but he has a temper that can escalate significantly. Spoiler (and later Twist) help him channel this anger into something positive.)
His worst trait actually is his anger issues.
Barbara (18)
Says her worst trait is her disability (internalized ableism, she thinks of herself as less valuable than the other Bats because she cannot be out there in the capes like they can. She will grow out of this as she matures and as she learns how invaluable her support for the team is.)
Thinks her worst trait is her disability
Her worst trait actually is her overly-independent nature (In an attempt to overcompensate for everything she can no longer do, she has resolved to do literally everything that she possibly can without any help from others. This results in many instances where she either takes on too much and winds up not being able to fully realize any of her tasks or where she makes her life and the lives of others significantly harder by refusing help when offered/not asking for it when she needs it.)
Damian (16)
Says his worst trait is his perfectionism (he is overly critical of both himself and others, taking any flaw or problem and amplifying it to an absurd degree. This is due in part to his life with the LoA (where even a brief misstep could lead to death), in part to how others treated him initially as Spoiler (any flaw was fixated on and used as a reason to either mistrust him or portray him as unworthy of the mantle), and in part due to the fact that he is Bruce’s son (the only person with worse perfectionism problems than Damian). Gradually, Damian has improved in this regard but it’s still a massive barrier to both his own happiness and his relationships with others.)
Thinks his worst trait is his perfectionism
His worst trait actually is his perfectionism
Duke (16)
Says his worst trait is his definitely-real secret evil side (says this as a ‘my dad is a villain so who knows??’ joke)
Thinks his worst trait is his impulsivity in his words (Sometimes he will crack a joke or say a remark without thinking it through, leading to a LOT of hurt feelings and drama. He’ll say something without thinking it through and wind up seeming insensitive. This isn’t done because of malice, rather because Duke is someone who’s quick to act and speak. But while the mantle of Insight and his awakening powers have helped him with his actions, they do not always help with his loose tongue. As such, Duke gains an unfair reputation in the media as an instigator and will accidentally cause family drama through what he says.)
His worst trait actually is his impulsivity in his words
Jason (14)
Says his worst trait is his bad manners (he grew up on the streets and has no idea how rich-people society works, which he’s pretty insecure about considering he’s now the youngest kid of Bruce freaking Wayne).
Thinks his worst trait is his reactiveness (Jason never got the privilege of planning ahead for various events in his life, so he instead needed to rely on being swift and harsh in how he could react to situations. It’s saved his life on multiple occasions and helps significantly in his role as Spoiler, but it can also lead to extreme overreactions (accidentally causing kidnapping scare after Jason ran away following a fight with Dick) and a struggle to plan things out ahead of time. As he grows more secure in his place in the family and in life, this trait will lessen but never fully dissipate.)
His worst trait actually is his reactiveness
#stephanie brown#cassandra cain#tim drake#dick grayson#barbara gordon#damian wayne#duke thomas#jason todd#batfamily#randomizedrobinsau#I'm debating whether I should tag this with the Joker Junior tag and those related to it for Pierrot#because like...it's not quite that. but it's also very close to that and is the direct result of that.#but Pierrot would fucking HATE to be tagged as that and sees it as an insult to his identity...which he already has problems with#so I don't think I'm gonna#anyways lmao I am totally projecting my younger self onto Barbara. How could I not? She's literally the reason I view my disability#the way that I do and she actively improved my mental health just by existing and saying some of the shit she did when I was in the#stages of accepting my own disability. So yeah I am projecting a lot onto her because I love her and see myself in her.#I'm mostly basing these characterizations on my favorite versions of them (ie Red Robin 2009 Tim and Birds of Prey Barbara).#so I'm taking the traits I like/think fit in this AU and discarding what I think either is bad or doesn't fit or if I just don't like it.#Damian's 'murder gremlin who is a meanie on purpose because he is a meanie' is entirely unappealing to me and also does not fit this AU#I prefer him when he's portrayed as a sympathetic kid (who is still an asshole) and not a demon child. So that's what I'm using.#same with Talia's 'abusive mother who is totally on-board with all of her father's bullshit and will kill someone for no reason' version#I have read enough comics to know what I like/what is most important and what I don't like/what is#BLATANT CHARACTER ASSASSINATION GRANT MORRISON YOU FUCK YOU SET TALIA BACK SO FUCKING FAR#I also decided to outline their WORST traits because I already know what I like about these characters/their best traits.#most people do. But what was a greater challenge was finding what would make their lives and those of others worse.#what would I hate about this person if I knew them IRL? What would I first suggest they get therapy for? What hurts them and why?#I found these questions really interesting in the context of this AU where some people are forced into completely different roles#the says/thinks/is was inspired by trying to answer that question for myself. I say my worst trait is my impulsiveness but when#I asked others in my life they answered 'oh so you said your weird thing where you don't ask for help right?'
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Random au because I can't stop thinking about this:
On the doc Mike and Pac found in the prison said that if Walter Bob completed that specific task he would be free from the jail/no longer a prisoner, right? (MY memory isn't the best so maybe this is a bit wrong but that is what we have for today folks augstwfwywfrqcw)
So
What if one day he finishes the task and Cucorucho with a smile brings him to another federation building and asks him to get into a room
So
Days later Fit is asked to clean a room, no big deal, another day of honest work where he starts lurking around looking for anything that could be useful for him and his mission
And then, in another place that he isn't suppose to be, but that he got into anyway is a... something. In the corner. It's small, it's scared, maybe even trembling a little bit and tired, very tired.
It's an egg.
When he enters, it turns around to face him and Fit freezes for a second because now he can clearly read the name on top of the kid.
"Walter Bob"
Well, he isn't coming out of that building alone.
Also! For fluff purposes! Imagine he bringing him to show Pac and Mike, like, Walter Bob doesn't have the memories of Before but he can't help but feel at ease around those "strangers" and their vibrant, lively energy, especially because they seem to like be around him as well, always full of hugs and itens and new places to show around.
Ramon being a good older brother! Showing him how to explode things and being perfect to bring his more quiet and chaotic side.
The fact that before he couldn’t remember ever having a bed just the cold metal of the cell and the guards shouting and pain and experiments and cold cold cold
But now it's different! Now he has a family, people from everywhere smiling and talking to him and helping and saying strange, kind things like that their house is his as well and that if he ever ever need he could call
And then Forever reforms the NINHO to have another room and Bad calls him to chat while making his buildings and Baghera gives him a bunch of invisible potions so they can hang around listening to gossips and Philza is always chill in letting him visit and Foolish laugh and goof around like nothing could ever go wrong everytime he gets too anxious and Mike and Pac are there and...
And Richas gives him beautiful paintings to put in his room and Dapper show him all his cool animal collection and Leo take him to a train ride and Tallulah helps him to decorate his room and...
And and and
(And the hope is there, it hurts too much to bare sometimes, like it's a knife that already cut him before.
But little by little, with time, the wounds begins to heal)
#this is literally me in despair for any kind of fluff with Walter bob pls mah man already suffered SO MUCH#and yeah I feel like this outcome is very ooc but WELL OH WELL what is this??? logic in my au#??? no thanks I will take the domestic fluff#qsmp#qsmp au#maybe I will write an oneshot for this later#i really just want them to be a big family aaaaa ♡♡♡♡#walter bob#ALSO THIS GIVES CHANCE FOR PAC AND FIT GET CLOSER I MEAN COUGH COUGH CO-PARENTING AM I RIGHT#watch Mike discovers that fit has a new egg and it's Walter Bob and suddenly getting all his things and moving to Fit's house#w Pac following behind like 'sorry sorry we're all like a package deal now yeah I don’t think Mike is gonna let him go for some time sooo...#Sleepover time :DDDD#(Mike would like to just get Walter Bob and run for it but he doesn’t want to wake any bad memory so :(#also the angst potential of them realizing that he holds no memory of his past. of what they have lived together in that prison.#of Walter Bob sometimes seeing the fed buildings he did and feeling an horrible dread overcoming him for some reason.#the way that he is tired most of the time and how visiting some places makes him have such a strong sense of dejavu#yeah yeah anyway I am. full of thoughts.#Pac#Mike#Fit
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i smacked my stomach in frustration & it reverberated so loud my cats fucking SC ATT E R ED ,,,,,,,,,,,,, i am but a gong. , ,,
#but guess whos finally making their pizza anyways when they should b in a hole decaying#i can barely even remember the past few days#only that they were failures#and im a failure && i am so Dirty#my acid reflux is going crazy i know it must have been bad o(-<#i still feel so disconnected#i think im a bit better#it doesnt feel like someone elses ghost snuck in nd is trying 2 pilot me but didnt know what to do with what they found anymore#i wish going out didnt do that to me#it comes in it sets me up but then i ruin it all . but then it ruins all of what i have back because it doesnt belong here. it doesnt work.#it doesnt fit. and now#im just stuck scared#alone#trying to get back to who i am#i feel so wrong#i am so Wrong#gonna watch jerma and hope it eases me back in but#its like my body thinks it can take from everything and make me fit but it cant its so distorted nd im always left back where we started#it takes from everything i hate#everyone i hate#just to seem like a person#and it makes me harm everything i have#and it feels so wrong the entire time but it has me#and i cant get free and i hate i . its like its supposed to be safe but it isnt#i forgot what it feels like i forgot it existed#it used to happen all the time when i was younger like 13-14 when things got real bad but it feels like the memories exist in a diff world#im deleting spotify again i forgot how music harms me HBJA.. i think it was the mix of going out n then losing myself listening to music#for Hours. it got its claws in me and then boiled me out and dug Deeper & deeper#i remember talking to my therapist about it once but she didnt understand. its like . an overwhelming sense of false clarity#how do i live when this is what happens when i try . do i get a chance to get out . is it just bc im alone. is it just im the same then&now
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Took the day off to clean my room and now I have NO clothes
#i’ve filled three giant bags with clothes to donate or give to my friend or sell on vinted idk#there’s so MUCH. i didn’t realise how many of my clothes i flat out hated or that didn’t fit me anymore#working out is all fun and games until your weight distribution changes such that none of your pants will now stay up#i don’t own a SINGLE PAIR of jeans anymore. they’re all too big#the only thing i have in abundance now is socks. i have way too many pairs of socks#i have socks for every occasion. i’ve got ankle socks. trainer socks. thermal socks. crew socks. novelty socks. plain socks#i’ve got SOCKS#i am however going to have to live in leggings and sweats and t-shirts for the foreseeable#i have a handful of decent blouses and exactly one pair of formal trousers that more or less fit me#if you invite me somewhere nice i am going to either be dressed like a used car salesman or a preacher’s wife#because i only got rid of one of my dresses#also my vacuum clogged while trying to clean my floor and i started crying lol#it’s the haaaaair. i don’t know how it happens. i have literally had a bob the whole time i’ve had this vacuum#anyway my room is fairly clean now. i’m going to have an early dinner and take a bath#dentist appointment in the morning 🫠 and i’m genuinely so fucking annoyed about it#society has surpassed the need for me to be seeing this man every fucking month like PLEASE i BEG of you just put a better filling on it#just a permanent filling that doesn’t crumble into dust after TWO DAYS. that’s all i ask and i don’t think it’s FUCKING UNREASONABLE#I PAID £176 to get FUCKED UP IN THE BAD WAY#personal
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the RAMPANT consumerism on the section of youtube I have ended up on recently is actually kind of disgusting to me. if I see one more video of a perfectly manicured hand with a hint of a sweater sleeve putting things in a target cart or using 100 bottles for a skin and hair self-care day or using 50 different cleaning products in an enormous, pristine, white home while a random pop song remix plays in the background I'm going to start destroying things.
#I know exactly how I got here#there is a specific crossover of decluttering/production hacks/workout plans/minimalism/motivational videos that leads directly#to very wealthy stay-at-home women doing sunday resets and target hauls and restocking and organizing the guest bedroom#and 4 hour pre-vacation self-care videos#but it is so BAD. I am not saying don't buy things or take care of yourself or anything like that#I literally have mentioned several times in the past two weeks that I was waiting on packages in the mail!#but GOD. the difference between buying a set of dvds I'm going to use until they fall apart#and literally having 4 bookcases of skin care products is ASTRONOMICAL#I cannot imagine a single reason anyone would ever need that much stuff#and it's All so sanitized and perfected and nothing can be out of place and it's just awful#that girl aesthetic/it girl/clean girl aesthetic/etc etc#and every single woman in these videos is perfectly shaped and tanned and hair done up#and they all wear these matching set workout fits#just oh my god girl!!!!!! what are you doing????!!!!!??#I don't know. I don't know that there's a point to this besides me complaining and being upset#but it's just so antithetical to the way I want to live and I know it's so bad for the environment#and I know it is encouraging so many people to look and act just like that#and I hate it!!!! it feels like we are never getting out sometimes for real#maybe I'm being mean. maybe they are actually very conscientious of the environment#and maybe they are only showing a once a month shopping trip#and maybe they have just been sent a ton of PR packages that they have to figure out how to store#but. it really doesn't feel or look that way
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me: I hate how creative writing has been so coopted by the language of the rise and grind hustle culture! I hate everyone who is prescribing how to write fiction Correctly in all these fucking blogs and books and youtube channels about writing. I hate that the prevailing advice is always to be strictly formulaic and to create your work in a rote, mechanical way! I hate it and it's the fucking death of art! not everything has to be ~optimised~ and part of a fucking paint by numbers system! also me: ah, what a beautiful spreadsheet I have created to track my progress through my story's outline (which I heavily employed the story graph and save the cat methods to make), complete with if statements and conditional formatting to see if I am on track to my estimated word count goal for each individual scene and for the project as a whole every step of the way. what could be better and a more natural extension of my creative process than this?
#the thing is though#these things can be helpful tools#but they shouldn't be considered mandatory#and writing processes are highly individual#and there are so many ways to tell a story that wouldn't play nice with your story graphs and your save the catses etc.#and I don't think that a departure from convention is bad writing or bad pacing lol#it's just so one size fits all and art is Not That#and I am very sceptical of the content-ification of fiction#and this feels very that#also I am spreadsheets georg who lives in a cave and makes 10‚000 spreadsheets for fun a day#and am therefore an outlier adn should not be counted when it comes to how natural a fit spreadsheets are as a tool for creative work
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lila thoughts under the read more <3 🥀✨🌹🎸
lila getting with griffin / g reign and having their little thing in “secret” not only bc it’s what her parents did to each other to get back at the other for slights and arguments but also bc she wanted to not only get back at seven but also to be like “oo look at me i can pull griffin freaking reign i won teehee.” and then the clown catches real feelings for griffin and calls jazz near in tears bc she’s just like her mom 🥀✨🎸🤡 and using someone she loves to get back at someone who she loved may or may not have even loved (i think she did but loved more the idea ? it’s complicated!) but loved the IDEA of seven loving her? dear you know it everyone knows it you want to be loved so bad!!!!!! the sooner you admit that lila the sooner you’ll be much happier my love! so excited to see where things go for her ! and things for her and her beloved g!!!!!
(x) for the divider <3
#oc: lilia laurent#long tags bc lila brainrot I APOLOGIZE 🥀✨😭 (i need to rb that ask game i need to yell about these dears🌹❣️!!!)#baby girl you literally wrote to live and die in la / aka gibson girl by ethel bc you wanted griffin to HEAR IT and pique his interest like#AND YOU DIDNT THINK YOU WOULD FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM???? and it’s the song you auditioned with too?#and jazz was likely like UHH I SAW THIS COMING ! she’s literally lilas voice of reason soizjxxh#caroline catch lila calling halle too at like 3 am sosjjzhx in the bathroom of griffins trailer akzjjzjx she’s a hot mess !!!!!! truly!#she has a panic moment because she��s just like her mother and now has to face to consequences of her actions! yikes!#i think she owns up to it you know? god i want to write a fic of that so bad too AHH#i am still going to be gaming HARD for vic and her to be friends at the end of it all u know?#and some more lore that’s a tad unrelated but maybe has some insight into why she does what she does to cope with things?#her parents spent more time socializing with their friends and playing mind games traveling and the etc then being parents to her?#so she spent a lot of time in beautiful homes alone throwing parties as they did because she was bored and that’s what they did too?#for someone who didn’t want to be her aristocratic messy parents she’s scared she’s turned into them 🥀✨😖#she’s like a nepo baby u wouldn’t think was a nepo baby bc her parents almost never are seen with her outside of a fashion campaign or too#or a tabloid RUMORING they had a daughter (those hurt her more than she admits) it bites to have famous supermodels for parents 🥀😵💫#she wants friends and parental figures more badly than she cares to admit (she won’t akzjzjjz but! she does! really bad!)#this baby girl can fit SO many parental issues 🥀✨😌#(also aj she might yank griffin along to visit Flor and her grandma bc of that 🥀✨😖)#leg.txt#your not as much of a manipulative snake as you think you are lila ! you want to be loved !!!!! really bad!#ofc this all could change as the story develops and her arc unfolds but oh my god i love lila so much thats my hot mess express!#jazz being like ‘you aren’t going to like this you’ll block me for a months for this but u need to hear this.. ur a mess my dear’ SHES RIGH#(me hoping this isn’t too ooc GAHH 🥀✨😭)
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the parents are going up north for a couple of days thank FUCKING god its not enough but i havent been able to be insane in peace since FUCKING october and its . not to sound dramatic but Not Good For My Mental Health which i obviously cant let them know partly cos its not All their fault but also because im (irrationally!!!!!! irrationally) afraid theyll kick me out the second i say anything even remotely negative even jokingly. anyway my grand plan while theyre gone is to lie on couch and stare at ceiling (but, importantly, in the living room and not in my bedroom) and . well translating all the dollars trilogy event fics into finnish probably. insert that celibacy gif but edited so it says unemployed.
#also i will probably look at potential apartments#this is made harder by my shit brain being all 'am i unreasonable for wanting [very reasonable thing] even though i am me*'#* me and specifically me wanting things in general is bad and not allowed how dare i (source: hell brain)#(also bear in mind whenever i move out i dont want to move again in a Very long time to in ideal case ever. hate moving)#(i dont need a Lot i just want. my bed in a Properly Separate space from my living room. a space to call my own)#(back when i lived in turku the apartment had an alcove that literally only fit my bed. there were shelves above my bed & a few closets too#(couldnt even open all the closet doors properly but honestly thats the sort of Separate Space For My Bed that i mean)#(also there has to be enough space for a washing machine in the bathroom or i Will die)#(none of this is Unreasonable really)#(i dont have to live close to the city center i need a grocery store within walking distance & a bus and or tram stop close by)#(WHYYYYY is my brain playing this hell game here im having a shit time as is)
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oughhgh.. logically it makes sense that all my brown tabby sona art started this year but it is wild to look at my january art and see the first drawings i did of it and my brief dogboy era. the timeline....
#posts#its like. factually i know when all of this happened. but its different seeing it all at once#overall 2023 has been good to me. it has had a lot going on and a lot of challenges#as well as some genuinely bad things happening#but Overall. its been good#i got housed! im never living with my parents again! i got to shop for myself and for the first few months of the year i had practically#unlimited money for food because of how i spent my ebt#i got top surgery this year and recovered easily from it!! and i got into college!!!!!!#living in a house with strangers was stressful and weird. running out of ebt and finding out i'd lost it sucked. my cat dying was awful.#applying for financial aid and the college itself was stressful and i did it right up against the deadline#but everythings worked out more or less#i would REALLY like to get back into my usual swing of drawing though .#muffin dying and my ebt getting cancelled and all the stress with applications just completely squashed my motivation for art#and i am STILL battling that#im hoping once i get used to the new quarter i can fit more art into my routine. and i would really like to do more commissions
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There is Literally no reason for me to stay up and watch the rwrb movie the moment it drops i have read the book and will not be spoiled for this cheesy romcom but my stupid Don't Sleep Or Tomorrow Will Start brain is going and latching on to the idea of there being a New Thing and therefore and Incentive to stay awake
#i literally didn't sleep til 4am last night and felt like hell today#i should NOT repeat that#but by god i am falling bakc into some old unhealthy sleep habit lately#if i stay up for this stupid movie it will be like 3am when its over and then I'll also be like eh might as well watch wwdits live#and then i can just fucking kiss tomorrow goodbye can't i really#ugh#i love sleeping and being unconscious but then you see there's the having to repeat the whole rotten getting up and doing things thing again#and i have a few things i need to fit in tomorrow. not even bad things just things. so now I'm like. nope.#never enough time for all the things#mr. bees speaks
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