#The X-Files: Mulder and Vulnerability

[katebeckets]

how to say "I love you" in x-files [4/?] ⤷ 2.02 — “The Host”

They don't want us working together, Scully... and right now, that's the only reason I can think of to stay.

[nochenev]

“You saved me.” (original under the cut!)

[super-lupus]

The way Mulder says "and my report will reflect that, in case you're worried." to Scully in 7x7 makes my brain fuzz out. Like it's so obvious. Like how could she be scared about that. Like 'of COURSE I'm going to lie on an official FBI document about you killing someone in order to protect you, silly. Don't even worry abt it.'

And her reaction is perfect too because she almost looks like she wants to chide him, tell him that that's against policy (and probably a crime??) and it's not the right thing to do. But she knows she would do the same thing for him and that she has before. So who is she to talk?

[nemocat-el]

I’m not going to paint or clean up this one

[bisexualfbiagents]

Actually, all I ever wanted in life was to be left alone. Don't we all? So just my luck that I'd eventually become an alien abductee. Now I'm never alone.

CELEBRATING 30 YEARS OF THE X FILES Day 5: Favorite Arc Part Two ➤ The Suspicious Crash of Flight 549 from Tempus Fugit (4.17) and Max (4.18)

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

my favorite mulder moments from s5

breaking into the labyrinth of the department of defense in episode 1 to find the cure for scully, finding only a vial of water, and the ensuing devastation that crosses his face

in the beginning of episode 2, scully is in the hospital, and he reveals that he faked his death to come visit her (“you move pretty good for a dead man”, skinner says, to which he replies “i’m only half dead”). he's going utterly ballistic, screaming “i’ll calm down when i have a reason to calm down!”, and then nearly collapses as he sees her sick in bed. only skinner's threat of arrest after they come to blows can make him see straight

he sees CSM in the hall of the hospital where scully is recovering, and spits at him “please tell me you’re here with severe chest pains” <-LMAOOOO

and when CSM tries to win him over to the dark side through scully’s cure and showing him his “sister”, he absolutely refuses, saying “you murdered my father. you killed scully’s sister, and if scully dies, i will kill you. i don’t care whose father you are, i will put you down” (LOUD CHEERING!!!!!!!)

enduring bill scully's horrible attacks on his character, trying to sympathize with his pain despite how awful he is being because he knows what it feels like to lose loved ones for the Truth. he tells this man that is being so awful to him that he lost his father and sister in his quest for answers, so he can relate to the pain he feels- only to be met with more scorn

he comes into scully’s hospital room again later on, where she is sound asleep, and he lays his head next to her and sobs

defending scully in her absence at his big important hearing; explaining how she was sent to spy on him, but “that agent scully did not follow these orders is a testament to her integrity as an investigator, a scientist, and a human being” <3

and then he SOMEHOW guesses correctly that the mole is section chief blevins, who had been on the payroll of the biotech company for years... i want to unpack if he figured it out subconsciously or was just equal parts lucky and confident, but i feel that we will never truly know

he tells skinner that scully’s cancer is in remission, saying it is the best news he has ever heard, then cries in the hallway of the hospital, holding the bloody photo of him and samantha as kids

he meets frohike for the very first time in 1989 in episode 3 and declines his offer of bootleg cable by saying “no thanks, handsome”, which prompts frohike to call him "a man of taste". thus began his long tradition of flirting with the boys

he was RACING back to the motel room at the end of episode 4, banging on the door, telling scully to get in the car NOW, and narrowly saving her from the florida mothman who was hiding under the bed!!!! i <3 protective mulder!!!

in episode 7, he flies down as soon as he can to vouch for scully's capability to adopt emily. scully introduces him to her as “a friend”, and he starts making funny faces to get her to laugh right away. he points out that the girl’s adoptive parents were both murdered, and when scully says that she can protect her, he asks “yeah, but who’s gonna protect you?”; he testifies on her behalf, even though he says he shouldn’t, because he knows it’ll put her in danger

later, he confronts the doctor who refuses to transfer over emily’s medical files. he pulls out his gun, points it at the doctor’s head, and asks “why don’t you tell me whose life is worth saving, yours or hers?” - he's so quick to adjust to scully's news of having a child and so quick to draw blood on her behalf

they’re bickering about the case in episode 8, so mulder, in a rare moment of clarity, steps back to ask what they both agree on and says they can work from there. i was shocked! in a good way! after 5 years, he finally learned to manage their opposing viewpoints in a way that can get things done! (i am sure this will never happen again)

his tree climbing detour in episode 9, plus the legendary line “hey scully, is this demonstration of boyish agility turning you on at all?” (and then bonus points for his sad descent as he is needed back on the ground right after he got up there)

his complete inability to function without scully while she is on vacation in episode 10- he actually TWIRLS the phone line while calling her!!!

and when he calls her for the 800th time, he greets her saying “morning, sunshine!” while loudly thumping his basketball up and down until she has to ask him wtf that noise is... so he lies, saying there is construction outside his window, and yells, telling the nonexistent construction worker to quiet down <- LMAOOO it killed me!!! (his basketball thumping has always been used to indicate his inability to relax... truly there is no peace for him without the bestie in town)

he’s SOOOO jealous when scully thinks the cowboy sheriff in episode 12 is cute (he recalls him having a thick southern drawl with huge teeth, so when they have to fly back down, she points out that they are totally normal-sized, and he still disputes this fact until the very end of the episode)

in episode 14, he sprints to find scully after she was present for the mass burning; he runs his fingers through her hair when she is in the hospital for vasogenic shock

post-krycek breaking into his house and beating him up, warning him that the end of the world is coming, scully finds him in his apartment sitting in the dark. “what are you doing sitting here in the dark?”, she asks. “thinking” “about what?” “oh, the usual- destiny, fate, how to throw a curveball… the inextricable relationships in our lives that are neither accidental nor somehow entirely in our control, either”

calling scully back from a payphone in the pouring rain in episode 17 to help get her some information on her personal case <3

(he also really nerds out in that episode about eye imagery in the bible, apocrypha, and references jesus christ superstar... a man of culture)

((and he was SO protective of scully- he stepped in when the priest was being all shady, tried to advise her not to let him get into her head, and we got to see some incredibly rare emotional communication when he said “i’ve never seen you more vulnerable or susceptible or more easily manipulated, and it scares me because i don’t know why”. he was grabbing her shoulders and pulling her in close, telling her she should step away when she mentions the visions of emily… god. he was SO worried!!))

when he’s being tortured in episode 18, he tells the man hurting him over and over again that he will kill him, which i thought was really fascinating

being willing to risk all of the x files in episode 20 because he fully believes that scully is correct about gibson being the key to explaining them, even though skinner warns against it... that is complete trust <3

[gracemarkss]

thinking about “but there seem to be only two of them” in detour…two creatures learning to adapt to a hostile environment, fighting to survive, fending off that which encroaches and invades…strange cryptids that baffle outside observers and defy understanding. alone with each other. inextricably linked.

[lesbianmarrow]

mulder is actually so it will come back by hozier……honey don’t feed it it will come back…….

[earthdance]

ice cream - fox mulder

mulder helps you relax during a rough case

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ

note: after editing, and editing, and editing, i'm finally happy with how this turned out. and surprise, this is the first smut story i've ever written! so this is literally just self-indulgent filth but it's also sappy because i don't think sex with mulder couldn't be sappy in some way, shape or form. on a different note, i might start writing some msr things soon... we shall see...

content tags: smut!!! afab reader, agent reader, fingering, oral (f recieving because mulder is a munch), lots of kissing, lots of talking (mulder has a dirty mouth), praise kink, kinda subspace but not really, silly times!

word count: 4,483

cross posted on ao3!

the knock at your door jerks you out of the brain fog you were lost in. sprawled out on a double-sized motel bed, an infomercial for some kind of invincible steel cooking pan droning on the television. your mind wandering down dark avenues you couldn’t really control. thoughts about the current case, about mulder, about situations long passed but that you still regretted.

you glanced at the clock, red numbers glowing. 11:32

you huff, rising to your feet to let your partner in. 

you turn the knob, revealing mulder in his lounge clothes. gray sweats that were frayed at the legs and fabric thinned with wear, with a simple white t-shirt, the kind you can get in 10-packs at walmart. his hair was damp and spiky, implying he had just gotten out of the shower. you could smell his soap. 

you almost rolled your eyes. what a perfect time for him to be looking like this. sometimes around him, you feel like you must be being punished for something you did in a past life. he always showed up to your door when you were in the worst kind of headspace. 

tired, vulnerable, and seconds away from falling at his feet. like he just knew. 

you stared at him blankly. “what do you need, mulder?”

he pulled something from behind his back: a pint of ice cream. cookies and cream. your favorite.

“i uh- took a trip to the corner store over there,” he said, gesturing vaguely over his shoulder. 

“i know you’ve been frustrated with this case, so i thought we could have a little treat,” he finished, an innocent smile creeping onto his face. 

you sighed and smiled slightly in return. 

as much as you hated him showing up looking like that at your door, you couldn’t hold a grudge when he was sweet like this. giving you attention. 

especially when he was always so caught up in his work. his precious x-files. 

aside from professional codes and all that, that was a big reason you refrained from having your way with him. there was no way anything would be casual between the two of you once something started. and you weren’t going to demand a relationship from him that you knew he couldn’t contribute to; that would be unfair to both of you.

but some twisted part of you always stretched out and smiled like a cat in the sun when he paid you attention like this. it validated you; it made you feel important. made you feel seen. and the thought of being seen by him gave you shivers.

you rubbed a hand over your face wearily. “uh, yeah, come in. i was just watching TV,” you lie, opening the door further and stepping aside. he walks in long strides, setting the ice cream on the little desk next to the television. 

he pulls out two flimsy plastic spoons from his pocket. he gives a hopeful smile. “i hope these will work.”

you chuckle. “i’ll use my fingers if i have to,” you joke, taking one of the spoons as he opens the pint. 

“wanna sit?” you suggest, already walking over to the bed. he follows you.

you take up your spot that you were lying on earlier, sitting criss-cross applesauce. he mirrors you, sitting at the foot of the bed. his knees briefly knock against yours as he’s getting comfortable. 

you take turns scooping the ice cream from the tub, trying to be careful so as to not break the spoons. it’s melting, though, so it gets easier.

“so, um…” he starts, glancing at the TV. “two payments of 29.99, not bad,” he jokes with a dorky smile. “AND a free gift when you call now!” he adds, eyebrows raised in faux surprise. 

you giggle at him softly, watching how the corners of his eyes crinkle when he laughs. 

“but seriously, how are you? you seemed tired today,” he probes, searching your eyes for anything he should be concerned about.

“mulder, you know me. i’m always tired.”

“yeah, but you almost seemed out of it. like you were miles away. not just tired; zoned out, i guess, is what i meant,” 

you sigh. deciding how vulnerable you want to be. how much truth you want to tell.

“i dont know. i guess i’m just frustrated. i’ve been feeling…” you pause, searching for the word. his eyes burn into yours.

“incompetent… as of late,” you finish.

his brows immediately knit together.

“incompetent?” he questions, almost disbelieving, like he didn’t hear you right. he takes the pint of ice cream and sets it on the nightstand, anticipating that a serious conversation is about to happen. 

“i mean-”

“no, wait. where are you even getting that from?”

“i just-” you take a minute to think. again, contemplating how much you want to tell him. you impulsively decide on everything. 

“this case has been really weird for me. i take immense pride in being in this field. i get to help people. i get to solve problems. but i feel like we’re kind of at a stalemate here. and i’m putting a lot of blame on myself. i took psychology courses; i know why i’m doing this, i know the roots of it and how my subconscious works, but i just don’t know how to stop it. i think it’s just starting to take a toll on me, mulder. I’m sorry if i’ve been slacking off or zoned out or—”

he cuts you off by snaking a hand around your wrist. soft and gentle. like cradling a baby.

“i don’t know if this is going to help you, but i’m going to tell you anyway.” he states. you feel his thumb graze your palm, and you have to fight back a shudder.

“i have never in my life seen someone as capable and as strong as you are and have been. every day i am constantly in awe that they put you in the basement with me, because you could work your way all the way up the chain of command if you wanted to. everything you want, you work hard for it, and you get it. some cases are just like that— they stay stagnant for a while. but we cannot blame ourselves. part of our jobs is to work with what we’re given. we can only do so much. you need to try and give yourself grace for this,” and now both of your hands are in his, and he’s grazing skin that has yearned for a very, very long time. 

you say it, simply because you have no resolve anymore. he has willed it away with his praising monologue. 

“i don’t get everything i want.”

he’s still staring at you with those burning sage eyes. 

“what do you mean?” he inquires, even though you have a sneaky feeling he is already privy to what you really mean. 

“i mean- i-,” you freeze as his hand is suddenly on your face, knuckles tracing your cheekbone.

“keep going,” he encourages with a nod. 

you have to fight from leaning into his touch, still trying desperately to hang on to some dignity. your eyelids flutter involuntarily when he moves his hand to the back of your neck.

“i- i don’t always get everything i want. i’ve wanted something for a while, and i haven’t gotten it.” you breathe out, praying that he won’t make you say any more. you find his eyes again, and they have a different shade to them now. his demeanor is still gentle and warm, but his eyes… they hold so much emotion and passion that it might kill you. 

there’s a pout on his lips now, that beautiful bottom lip just barely jutting out. 

“hmm... what’s that you’ve wanted for so long? that a smart, capable girl like you says she can’t get?” he’s really laying it on thick now, and his hands are getting busier. they’re combing through your hair, and then his thumbs are on your jawbone, and then his knuckles are tracing lines down your neck. it’s incredibly overstimulating all while he’s talking to you and also trying to get you to talk. 

your brain literally feels like it’s short-circuiting. neurons firing in all the wrong directions and preventing words from forming. apparently, mulder can see the gears turning and the smoke coming out of your ears and decides to help you out. 

his thumb brushes a spot behind your ear, and you finally allow yourself to shudder in response to the feeling. he’s been studying your body language since the moment he stepped in here. you’re gravitating to him like a magnet. so weary and wanting. 

his voice is low now, no longer talking at the casual frequency he was earlier. he whispers like he’s telling you a valued secret. 

“you just wanna be taken care of, is that it? always working so hard. you just need a break, don’t you?”

your eyes roll back, and he laughs, still sweeping his thumbs in soft circles on your neck.

“is that what you want? you need me to help you?” he urges, dipping his head down and trying to get you to look at him again.

“i— if you—”

he already knows. 

“i have never wanted anything more in my whole entire life,” he reassures. 

you look at him now, and you realize. it’s mulder. your mulder. your mulder that jokes with you on long car rides and calls your mom on her birthday. your mulder who does your case paperwork for you so you can focus on grad school assignments. your mulder. your partner in crime, quite literally. and then, it’s not so scary anymore.

you nod, but he doesn’t move. 

“tell me you want this.”

“i want this,” you will yourself to not stammer.

he rewards you with a kiss on your neck, the first time his lips have ever touched your bare skin. it's a warm and sweet peck that has your chest burning. 

he continues, getting sloppier while starting to lean you back against the headboard, knees now slotted in between yours.

he’s kissing your neck like he wants to eat you whole, licking and sucking and biting and leaving marks on your shoulder, just below where he knows your shirt will cover tomorrow. 

you let out a long sigh, feeling your body start to relax and melt into the mattress.

“mhm…” he murmurs, feeling your muscles go lax under his hold. “that’s it… relax.”

 as you melt, he slowly starts to melt too, settling his weight on top of you lightly.

his lips are everywhere now: your forehead, your cheeks, your jaw. your hands have found themselves in his damp hair, raking through them like you’ve always wanted to.

finally, you use your grip on his hair to pull his head up and look him in the eyes. for a moment his eyes seem glazed over, but they clear up when he focuses on you. 

he smiles sheepishly. “sorry… i must have gotten carried away,” he snickers, the warmest light twinkling in his eyes. 

“don’t apologize… i’m just tired of waiting for this. i’ve waited long enough,” 

and in the end, it’s you that pulls him in and presses your lips together.

as soon as it happens, his whole body seems to jump, like he’s just been tased. you feel it too. your whole body is shaking and oozing with warmth and want for him. his kiss is like nothing you’ve ever experienced before; it’s not even what you imagined late at night, touching yourself to thoughts of him. it’s so much more than anything you could’ve prepared yourself for. 

you make a sound in the back of your throat, wanting, needing, more of him. all of him. you want to melt into him until you can’t tell where you end and he begins. he pulls you impossibly closer, so close you can feel his teeth on your tongue. you find he’s doing exactly what he’s set out to do because your brain has gone silent and fuzzy like soft TV static. there’s only thoughts of him, of his skin, of his aura enveloping you in soft light. 

he pulls away to, of all things, talk to you. 

“is this alright? is it too much?” he asks, stroking your hair.

“it’s a lot, but… not too much. it’s just enough. my brain feels fuzzy,” you confess, smiling sleepily at him, almost drunk.

he giggles at your expression and kisses you once more, loving and slow. 

“that’s exactly what i want,” he whispers against your lips. 

“i wanna make you feel safe, and i want you to be able to let go with me. does that sound good?” he was all talk before, but he wants you to know his first priority is making you feel comfortable. it makes your heart leap.

it’s your turn to cup his face. “mulder, i wouldn’t trust anyone else to do this.” 

you try your best to make it sound earnest and not like some random cliché, because really, you mean it from the depths of your soul. 

he nods, soaking in your words and locking them away in his heart. 

in his life full of misplaced trust, you are the only one he has ever been certain about. your faith in him never wavers, even in situations like these.

he grasps your hand in his to press a soft kiss to your knuckles, innocent compared to what you know he’s about to do to you. 

he flashes a devious smile. “i want you to relax for me, okay? this is about you. this is all about you,” he says, and waits for an answer. 

you nod eagerly, but he doesn’t take it.

“words.” he commands gently, thumb caressing your collarbone, and you shudder at this change in demeanor. 

“okay.”

the thought briefly crosses your mind that maybe you're in over your head, but you don’t have enough time to even consider it before he’s kissing you again. and this time, it’s hungry; he’s breathing you in, consuming you. you try your best to keep up with the pace, to keep up the push-and-pull game, but find yourself just resolving to let him do what he wants. he hums in approval once he knows you’re putty in his hands and pulls back. 

“do you know how long i’ve wanted to do this with you, sweetheart?”

your back arches at the pet name, and he smiles cockily. 

“ever since you knocked on that damn door and told me your name. the first time i ever saw you, i was fucking done for. is that pathetic or fate, do you think?”

you whimper as his warm hands slide up your shirt without warning. sweeping over your ribcage and coming around to cradle your back.

“i- i don’t know what it is, but i know it’s mutual,” you breathe, getting fed up with the edge he has you dangling over; the anticipation of it is making your legs shake. 

“fo—” you choke as you catch yourself, “mulder, please.”

one of his hands snakes around to rest on your lower abdomen, massaging slightly, kneading the tension there. 

his lips are at your ear suddenly. 

“say it. you can say it, baby.” he reassures you that you’re not crossing some invisible line, and caution is thrown to the wind. 

“fox…” you breathe it like a sacred mantra, like it’s the most important and precious word on this earth.

you watch his eyebrows furrow in emotion, gazing at you with such intensity and love that you physically can’t take it anymore. but the good news is, he can’t either. 

before you can even start to complain again, his fingers are pulling down your shorts and flinging them on the floor. he moves his body down in between your knees, now kneeling between them. you long for his closeness again but quickly forget about it when a single finger comes up to your panties and gently feels you through your clothes, rubbing so softly that it almost doesn’t feel like anything.

his eyebrows are knit with concentration, committing the sight of you to memory. his finger applies more pressure and continues rubbing lazily and aimlessly up your clothed cunt. a shiver runs through you, his finger sending sparks up your whole body. 

he finally gets to your clit and presses softly with his thumb. you almost jump off the bed in surprise, and he has to hold your hips down with his other arm. he eases you into it by sweeping soft, slow circles on the hood of your clit, just barely pressing. 

“oh…” you shudder, sinking into the pillows, your stomach tensing up already. 

he’s looking at you as if you’re a work of art hanging in a museum, watching your facial expressions with rapt attention as your eyes screw shut and you try to breathe.

“yeah, baby… breathe into it,” he says gently, his other hand coming up to sweep across the stomach that he so admires, squeezing the skin softly. 

finally, once you're writhing and bucking your hips for more, he drags your panties down your legs. once you’re bare, there’s a moment where he just looks at you. his eyes rake over your bare cunt with such affection that you don’t think you’ve ever seen from him before. he almost looks honored to see this intimate part of you, like it’s something he wants burned in his brain for the rest of his life. 

“so beautiful,” he muses, “you’re the most beautiful thing i’ve ever seen.”

he’s staring into your eyes now, intense, just as he was earlier. 

you don’t know what to say, so you just blush and smile shyly at him. he comes up quickly to give you one more affectionate kiss. 

“relax for me again,” he instructs, and you do the best you can, snuggling back into the pillows again, buzzing with anticipation. 

he makes his way back down your body, pausing every now and then to leave sweet kisses on your skin. 

finally, he reaches his destination. he leaves kisses all around your labia, preparing you and teasing you at the same time, indulging himself in the process.

then finally, finally, he licks a warm line through your wet folds all the way up to your clit, and when he gets there, his mouth is around it in an instant. you buck up into the sensation with a sharp cry, his warm mouth soothing your aching nerves. 

your hands are in his hair again almost immediately, pulling him closer. his mouth is suckling your clit ever-so-gently, and then he switches to soft kitten licks that send warmth all throughout your stomach. you feel the waves of warmth wash over you, letting yourself melt into them, letting yourself fully relax. 

he continues his work on your clit, touching it with his tongue like it’s the most fragile thing he’s ever come in contact with. it’s so much different than if he would have been rough with it, because his gentleness serves as a soft sea of pleasure to melt into instead of being jerked around by large tidal waves (which you know you would also enjoy another time). but as he said, this was for you.

it’s so good that you start smiling uncontrollably, giggling softly as he continues lapping at you slowly. he stops briefly, coming up to rub at your bud again with two fingers, circling lazily. 

“feels good?” he asks, laying his chin on your lower abdomen to gaze at you with those boyish, mischievous eyes. 

you laugh harder at this, “duh!” you giggle, looking down at him.

he mirrors your dopey smile, relishing the giddy, soft state you were in. he savored the fact that he did this to you, that he was making you feel like this. 

you start to whimper softly, and your giggles are replaced with a pout. 

“fox, i want more,” you whine, bucking your hips back up. 

he looks at you with almost a kind of pity. no matter how pure his intentions were, he knew he was teasing you without even really realizing it, overcome by the need to drag it out, to make it last as long as possible. 

but who was he to deny you?

“such a sweet girl…” he mutters, dipping his head back down to replace his fingers. 

“pretty girl…” he says against your clit, and it makes you blush and buck up into his mouth even more. 

he decides to get things moving again and slowly, softly, pushes his index finger into your hole that has been ignored so far. you clench immediately against the foreign sensation. 

“mmm…” you moan, and he has to whisper again, firmer, “relax.”

you focus on the consistency of his mouth on your clit, and before you know it, he has his finger in, all the way up to the knuckle, and he's curling it slowly inside you. you shiver, and have to bite the palm of your hand to keep yourself from waking up the whole motel. he’s picking up the pace now, pumping steadily in and out of your pussy, and oh god, you can hear it. you’re so wet you can hear the obscene sounds coming from just his one finger inside of you. apparently he can too, and he moans around your clit and adds another finger. you breathe a shuddering gasp at the delicious stretch, and you know it won’t be long now. 

“fox… fox!” you whine, the hand in his hair pulling him away from your clit. he knows immediately. he knows what you need.

with his fingers still steadily pumping, he rises up so he’s eye level with you again and settles his head in the crook of your neck. your hand in his hair makes a tight fist as you feel him so deeply inside you, hitting spots you didn’t even know you had. it makes you feel so connected to him, closer than you ever had been. 

he presses a soft kiss to your neck and begins to unravel you.

“my sweet, smart girl,” he praises, “you’re doing so good; you're taking it so well. such a brave, strong girl you are for me.” 

you whine pathetically, and this thumb comes up to rub your clit once more. 

“fox…”

“yes, baby, i know… i feel you around my fingers. do you like how my fingers feel so deep inside you? you’re so full, aren’t you?”

“oh my god,” you grit through clenched teeth, and with every stroke you clench harder and your stomach tenses more. 

“fox i’m-”

“yes, baby, yes… let go for me,” he croons, kissing your ear and licking your neck. 

feeling you near your end, he speeds up his fingers, now pumping in and out at a faster, rougher pace to push you over the edge. 

and push you, he does.

with a final command, “come, baby,” you clench so hard around his fingers that he can’t even fuck them into you anymore, so he just grinds his fingers up into that spot inside you over and over again. 

the orgasm you experience is almost religious. you tense for a long moment, no sound, no breath, no movement, just white-hot pleasure coursing through your veins and behind your eyelids. 

and then you go over the peak and let out a shuddering breath, a long string of barely intelligible expletives slurring out of your mouth. still feeling the pleasure continue. your hips are squirming and writhing, and fox has to hold your hips down again and force you to take it, to ride it out. 

at last, when you start whining from overstimulation, he withdraws his fingers from you and happily brings them to his mouth, licking up your arousal. 

the only thing you can physically do is lie there and pant, trying to get your breath back. all thoughts are gone from your brain. it's like a barren tundra, and it's so peaceful. fox comes up to lie on his side next to you, stroking your hair and trying to gauge if you’re okay. 

“my baby... are you okay? you did so good for me, honey,” he reassures, petting your hair. you hear him but can’t think of the words to respond or even how to speak for that matter, so you just nod pathetically, eyes still closed. this gives fox a little hope. 

“can you open your pretty eyes for me, baby? i’ve always loved your big brown eyes…” he coaxes. your eyes open one by one, slowly but surely, until you can just barely see fox through the blurriness. he rewards you with a sweet kiss to your lips. “thank you baby,” he says, smiling incredulously; your sanity coming back slowly, you give him a tiny, sleepy smile. he decides to ask again, “are you okay?” 

your smile widens giddily, and you nod again. “yeah…” you breathe, and sink deeper into the pillows. 

he laughs now too. “i guess i did my job pretty well,” he jokes and softly tweaks your nose with his clean hand. you scrunch your nose up, laughing at him. you want to try to explain yourself to him, although words are still hard to come by. you try anyway.

“i feel… like,” you pause to laugh again, “i feel so warm and fuzzy,” you giggle some more, feeling giddy and childish.

he giggles again too. “are you sure it wasn’t too much? not too intense?” he asks softly.

you shake your head and furrow your brows, “no, it was… i don’t even remember what i was upset about. i just feel happy. and sleepy,” you add, trying to explain how the experience made you feel. 

“and i’ve just never felt so… loved,” you confess quietly, nervously watching his face to gauge his reaction. you see him decide what he wants to say.

“well, that’s probably because i love you,” he says in such a casual, offhand, mulder way that all you can do is laugh.

you bring him down to kiss him, still giggling, and he obliges eagerly, keeping it gentle and sweet in the afterglow. 

“that would make sense,” you smile and ruffle his now dried hair between your fingers; he leans into it like a puppy would and looks at you so adoringly that your heart skips a beat. 

then, like a freight train, it hits you: what he really said and what you didn’t say. 

“oh!,” you exclaim. “i love you too, by the way,” and he throws his head back in full-blown belly laughter. there are no worries here for this fleeting moment. tomorrow there will be more dead bodies and more suspects and more x-files, but you will work your way through them together. 

and on the nightstand, the pint of cookies and cream ice cream has melted.

[dialecticaldimensions]

i always saw Scully as such a strong character but omg her in s8 truly takes the cake. Her determination to go on with x files cases despite mulder's disappearance — the amount of grit it would've taken for her to keep showing up every day; and this is pre Mulder's discovery so idk what to expect in the post of that. (maybe I am also projecting a bit, but honestly moving through the world after unexpected grief is an effort unlike anything else)

also i really did appreciate all the little tells of Scully's grief in missing Mulder/not knowing where he is throughout the first half of the season. From calling out to him in the desert, and falling asleep on his bed with his shirt and feeding his fish.

But esp in ep 10!! When she starts crying at the end, talking about how Mulder would've been non-judgemental and would've seen through things. The sheer will it must've taken her to trust in a another kid; trust in an unknown hypothesis and just shoot; I was literally holding my breath the whole time. And then just immediate tears at her monologue. Trying to show up in a way that honours the inclinations of someone you've lost (esp when you could always depend on them to do it for you) is truly one of the most profound and devastating acts of love. And god, you can so see Scully try to do this, by trying to emulate Mulder's openess to the impossible in the ways she could. You can also see this in ep 6 when the accused lawyer wanted to talk to Scully as someone who would at least be open to listening to him when he had something unbelievable to share. There's something so precious and vulnerable about this version of Scully, who is just trying her damn best despite the shittiest cards that have been thrown at her. (and this is not even addressing all the emotions that are heighten from an unexpected pregnancy??)

anyway, conclusion, somehow i've come to love Scully even more. She really is one of my all-time favourite characters!!

[running-in-the-dark]

since that episode I haven't been able to concentrate on the plot much anymore - I need to study him, not like a bug, more like a painting. I'm just obsessed with the way they frame him and how beautiful it is.

and then this happened and just made everything even worse!

😳 okay yeah this is totally fine, yeah

[randomfoggytiger]

Mulder's Alien Baby Baby Trauma In-Depth (Part XXV, 2/2): "The Truth We Both Know"

Here we are: the very last part of the Alien Baby Baby Trauma series, wherein we cover William's namesake's legacy, Scully's emotional vulnerability, and Mulder's confidence in (and open demonstration of) his new place in the world.

A CONNECTION TO HALCYON DAYS

Baby Mulder-Scully begins to settle after his father gently sways him with a paternal hum (post here); and Mulder, taking advantage of the silence, asks the last unanswered question: “What are you gonna call him?”

Keeping his eyes down and pinching his mouth, Mulder braces for her answer-- a stumbling back onto old rejection wounds in this tender-hearted moment. 

“William,” Scully declares, raising her eyebrow as she looks up from their child. “After your father.”  

Mulder dips his head up, eyes twinkling at her unspoken message: you’re the father.

As Skinner stated in Deadalive, “I don't truly believe that... Mulder's the last”-- and he was right. Scully kept that connection alive; because that part of Mulder-- the early days, the happy parents the spitfire sister-- were what drove him through years of darkness. Were what made him the man he is. And as storied and dirtied as his father’s hands became, Bill Mulder at least tried to pave the way for his son to live by the truth, and for his grandson to have a chance out of it (even if that chance was paid with blood, post here.) 

Her partner recognizes this; and his last touch of anxiety melts away. His boat, while it may never be permanently moored, is fastened to Scully’s for all the world to see. The age of secrets is behind them. 

Season 8 is filled to the brim with parental imagery; and that imagery became more intense when Mulder returned. He routinely came face-to-face with broken homes and lost fathers-- more importantly, by families who were torn apart by X-Files: Empedocles's John Doggett, grappling with the loss of his son (post here), Vienen's Diego Garcia, slain beside his family's photo (post here), and Dr. Parenti's patients, their hopes exploited for unlawful experimentation. Mulder himself is forced into a decision: resign for his son's (and partner's) sake (Vienen, post here), or lose himself and yet another Mulder child to the whims of the unknown (Three Words, Vienen, Essence, Existence-- posts here, here, here, and here, respectively)-- a fate his own father couldn't spare him from (post here.)

At first, he doesn’t respond: because Mulder isn’t Mulder without creating a bit of suspense. He looks down with a baited, “Well…”

Scully’s smile drops again-- disappointed that she’d made a mistake, or conveyed her message inadequately. 

“I don’t know, he’s--” her partner continues. “--he’s got your coloring and your eyes.” 

Mulder’s smirk threatens containment; but he manages to reign it in long enough to pronounce, with a deadpan expression, “But he looks suspiciously like Assistant Director Skinner.” 

Scully cracks up immediately, snorting through her nose at the unexpected onslaught; and he wheezes along with her, delighted. 

Both stare from each other to their little redhead, laughing over his sparse hairs and Mulder’s singular brand of devotion.

In response to his father's belly chuckles, William raises a fist in his direction: though not quite autonomous-- even by baby standards-- he is finely-tuned to his environment. 

MULDER AND SCULLY FIND "THE TRUTH"

As the merriment dies down, Scully reflects on the past few days; and, waveringly, she broaches, “I don’t understand, Mulder. They came to take him from us. ...Why they didn’t?”

William turns in the direction of her voice as Mulder quietly admits, “I don’t quite understand that, either. Except that maybe he isn’t what they thought he was.” 

Off of Scully’s tentative expression, he meets her eyes and declares, “That doesn’t make him any less of a miracle, now does it?” 

His partner processes this; and huffs another small laugh: Mulder not needing answers, Mulder speaking about miracles, Mulder here and now holding their son-- it’s the happy ending she feared she’d never have. That she didn’t have, only three months ago; that she could have lost mere days ago. 

Little William and she stare back at each other, both at peace in Mulder’s presence and with Mulder’s explanations. 

Fox Mulder is already doing for his family what his father wished to do, but couldn’t, for decades: loving, listening, and protecting them. 

“From the moment I became pregnant,” Scully resumes, making a full confession of her pent up anxieties and suspicions, “I feared the truth. About how. And why….” Trying to guard against rising emotions-- betrayed by her higher voice and teary eyes-- she raises a signature brow, girding up once more in Mulder’s thoughtful silence. “And I know you feared it, too.” 

“I think what we feared were the possibilities,” Mulder observes, staring down at his son with pinched, recollecting brows. 

(This is the clincher for Essence and Existence: the fear of the unknown drove Mulder and Scully to irrational actions, shoving them further and further down a sequence of insane and idiotic events. The explanation for the two-parter rests in this moment-- that Scully feared the possibilities, and avoided them; while Mulder feared the possibilities and pursued them. What’s… unfortunate is that their motives were so shrouded in the mystery of William’s parentage that the writers forgot to flesh them out. Instead, the characters jumped from scene-to-scene, from action piece to action piece, without coherent reason or logical follow through. Instead, Mulder gave over his pregnant partner to Krycek and Doggett and Reyes; and instead, Scully insisted on giving birth in an abandoned town in the middle of nowhere-- all to forward the plot and further the meta goal of secrecy.)

Looking up from their son, he quietly asserts, “The truth we both know.” 

Weighing his words, Scully insists on clarity-- she deserves it after all they’ve been through. 

“Which is what?”

Without another word, Mulder slowly descends, giving her ample time to pull back or reject this moment; and when Scully does not, he seals the truth with a kiss. 

“Unlike you, Mulder, I would like to have a life” and "My work demands that I live in a big city, but if I had to settle down, build a home, it'd be a place like this" and “You were just assigned, this work is my life” and "We're going in an endless line... while my own life is standing still" and “Don’t you ever just want to stop? Settle down and live something approaching a normal life?” and “I have seen life on this planet, Scully, and that is exactly why I am looking elsewhere” and “Even when the world was falling apart, you were my constant, my touchstone"/"And you are mine" and "I'm fine, I'm free" and "I'm not the same person, Daniel-- I wouldn't have known that if I hadn't seen you again": the answers that Mulder and Scully searched for, separately and together, for eight years unfolds in this moment-- the choices they made leading to this outcome; and their peace with those decisions. "The truth we both know."

It’s been a long road for Mulder: taken before his time, tortured ruthlessly for three months, buried for another three, and resurrected weeks before his child’s unexpected birth (timeline here), he’s made bounds and leaps from listless, traumatized functioning to cornered, on-edge suspicion to renewed devotion and wonder. The files will never truly leave his or Scully's blood; and the evidence of their devotion to its eternal mysteries will one day choose his own destiny. But for now, Mulder has found space to heal: to connect with his new life by his partner’s side. Overcoming a lifetime of loneliness and the impossibility of death, he's returned once more to right his, Scully's, and William's corner of the world.

We fade to black as both former agents lay claim to their paths forward-- as always, together. 

CONCLUSION

This was my magnum opus, my favorite child. And I, for one, am glad it’s finally complete.

These analyses wouldn’t be possible without David Duchovny’s stellar acting-- in fact, they were directly inspired by the nuances lost amidst Season 8’s mytharc writing. 

Thanks for reading~

Enjoy! 

[actual-changeling]

at some point i will write a coherent meta post on why s6 mulder is the way he is but honestly it can really be broken down to the fact that he dug himself into a hole and it was easier to keep digging than admit he fucked up and ask for help.

he got stuck between "fuck the x files are killing scully i cannot let that happen" and "i need to keep going or my entire life doesn't matter". the resulting frustration with his situation and everyone around him working against him had no safe place to go—except for scully. she's his safe person, the one who will never abandon him, so expressing himself like that around her is half automatic, half a choice.

mulder does not want to hurt her but his idea of protection also involves pushing her away from him, the cost doesn't matter as long as it guarantees her safety. it's a classic (c)ptsd and cluster b personality disorder behaviour a lot of people struggle with. the solution is learning how to form healthy bonds and maintain relationships btw which will take you your entire life and involves actually wanting to change.

then diana showed up and she was the ✨magical solution✨ to his conflict: a partner to keep the x files going with who also takes scully out of the equation. her entire act was intentional and meant to manipulate him further, and it worked like a charm. she became "safe" in a different way.

eventually he ended up in his comfortable, dark dirt hole ten feet deep and convinced he was doing the right thing on both fronts. acknowledging how badly he was actually treating her would have meant facing all those fears he's been suppressing since the beginning of season 5. so he just does not do that, that's were the bad decision making comes in.

no amount of intelligence, logic, or waiting with your eyes closed can fix emotional issues, trust me, i tried. plus the more people try to make you face the truth the harder you generally keep digging. scully tells him "hey you're digging your own grave" and his response is "how dare you call this hole a hole, i'm not doing anything, you're wrong".

now he IS still digging his hole and unfortunately you become increasingly aware of reality whether you want to or not, and when you're in that deep the one solution left is apathy. it's the easy way out and an understandable one at that, been there, done that. it won't get you out of the hole though. so honestly what i REALLY miss in s6 is how the hell he DOES get back up to scully.

step 1: admit you are, in fact, stuck in a hole & that it's a problem

step 2: acknowledge how you got there & who you hurt on the way down

step 3: ask for help and learn how to climb

earning up to your mistakes and learning from them is a skill we're all bad at by default, a mixture of genetics and social influence. no one likes being vulnerable, no one likes shame or guilt or the consequences of our actions. if you wanna have healthy relationships though you HAVE to work on that, which sucks but there's no other option. mulder as a character and a person is capable of that.

however, chris carter can't write one coherent episode to save his life, let alone an emotional character arc spanning two seasons, and despite what he would like us to believe, one traumatic experience does NOT fix everything and does NOT make any of the existing problems disappear.

just. have mulder say sorry to start with. that would have changed everything. scully was so ready to jump after him he just had to let her and catch her when she lands.

[gracemarkss]

trying to gather my thoughts on unruhe. something about this exchange is so vital to me…about how scully maybe isn’t as natural a seeker as mulder. about how her work as a pathologist is focused on “how” rather than “why”…whereas mulder’s profiling is the inverse. a woman is dead and a man killed her and no amount of probing the inner workings of his psyche, his dreams, his nightmares will remedy that situation. discovering the why doesn’t bring about any deeper sense of justice or peace. because really, no why could ever really explain the mundane horror of a woman’s abduction and murder. if anything, it just more starkly reveals the ugly simplicity of the human capacity for cruelty.

but i also love how later, she leans on the why. she channels mulder and his profiler brain. schnauz even picks up on it (“great. now they got you talking like sigmund freud,” in reference to him calling mulder freud during his interrogation). she asks him why he does it. why her. why this. why did his sister kill herself. why did his father do what he did. part of it’s to keep schnauz talking but it’s also another example of how she reaches for him, even metaphorically, in moments of fear and difficulty.

i also love how this episode, with its themes of unrest and strife and trouble, focuses on scully. mulder is usually the more restless character, always searching and seeking and chasing and moving. but scully is just as, if not maybe even more so. her mother’s remaining daughter. her father’s disappointment. a catholic to her bones, even as she lapses. a woman in a man’s job. who imagines a life to be a husband and kids and big sunday dinners, but who can’t stop following the mad man in the basement. who always insists she’s fine, who locks it all away, who chafes and squirms and explodes in impulsive incendiary bursts. who is always always trying.

there are just some things we don’t or can’t look too deeply into. if god is real, or why the woman in front of us is dead. scully will dig and scrape for proof and explanations for many things, but some interrogations aren’t worth the effort, or the fear of what might be found. some things just are, and they’re too big to move or change or overcome. women die because men kill them. what the hell does it matter?

[mazzystarrrry]

‘Off limits’ Chapter 2

like one person asked for this so here you go.

(tw very minor mention of murder)

Summary: You can’t help but bother Agent Mulder down in the basement.

…………………………………………………………

It had been two weeks since you began your internship and you were finally beginning to feel somewhat settled into life at the Bureau. Now able to memorise most of the teams coffee orders and some had even come to quite like you; or like that you were more than willing to fetch a piece of evidence three flight of stairs away to get in their good books.

“Y/N” You heard at the door of your office, it was your father.

“Come in, dad” you said, instinctively rolling your eyes.

“Hey Y/N, how are you going?”

“Oh you know just-“ before you could finish your father cut you off.

“Great. Listen, I’m gonna need this report copied up pronto and faxed to all agents on this case, also, if you see Agent Mulder can you tell him I need a word.” and you could tell by the look on his face, Mulder wasn’t in for a friendly catchup.

Before you could respond, your father was already out the door. That’s the thing about your dad, his work was his life, you could be in the same room as the man but his thoughts will always be on a case miles away. You thought, perhaps, entering his world of chaos and danger might bring the two of you closer. An opportunity to prove to him you knew what you were doing. Yet, you couldn’t help but feel pushed aside everytime the phone rang or he was needed elsewhere.

Despite the mundanity of office life, you liked the routine. More specifically, the routine of walking past Mulder’s office to get the files you oh so desperately needed (not.) You had taken him up on his offer to “show you the ropes,” and enjoyed hearing his theories and stories of the X-Files.

You really did need a file for your father, so decided to go just after lunch; where you knew Agent Mulder was always at his desk hurriedly eating his sandwiches having worked through most of his break.

Walking down the stairs towards his office you couldn’t help but feel nervous. It had been a week since you had properly introduced yourself to Agent Mulder. And you were, to put it lightly, infatuated by the man. Sure you had crushes before (Dale Cooper from ‘Twin Peaks’ was a particular favourite of yours) but this, this was more than a silly crush. You found the man fascinating. His passion, where others snickered behind his back, simply made you admire the man; despite what your father thought of his ‘theories.’

“I like the skirt, Y/N” smirked Mulder as he saw you lingering by the door.

You had decided to sport a floral midi skirt, black kitten heels, white tshirt and cardigan for the summer weather. Whilst most of the agents were pretty boring in the fashion department, you took your role as a glorified receptionist as an opportunity to have a little fun with your wardrobe, what was your dad gonna do, fire you?

“Not exactly dress code is it” Mulder said, raising an eyebrow at you.

“I have nooo idea what you mean” you taunted, sarcastically rolling your eyes in response.

“How’s the case going?” You asked.

“Come in” He ushered “Take a look at this.”

On Mulder’s desk were books upon books all on ritualistic activities in the New York area. He rambled on at you about how it connected to the murders of four men, all the same age, killed in the same way but from varying parts of the city.

You were barely listening to him, lost in his eyes and that luscious hair of his. Smiling up at you he questioned “I’m rambling aren’t I?”

“Noo” you responded smiling down at him, still leaning over his desk. “Anyway, I best get going Agent Mulder, work to do!”

“Oh, by the way, my da-Agent Skinner, wants to speak to you about something.”

“What a treat!” Mulder retorted, smiling sarcastically.

You looked back to see his eyes still on you, his smile still plastered sheepishly on his face, you blushed slightly at the moment, feeling so seen by him always made you feel nervous, vulnerable.

…………………………………………………………

It was around 7pm now and most of the team had gone home. You took the opportunity to turn up the radio slightly as your favourite song ‘Fade Into You’ by Mazzy Star came onto the radio. You hummed along as you cleared up for the day, finishing reports and watered a few of your sadder looking plants.

“Y/N” the sudden break in silence from the rest of the office made you jump as you turned towards the door.

“Jesus, Mulder you scared me. I thought everyone had left.”

“Oh, you know me Y/N, no rest for the wicked”

“I suppose not” you smiled. “What did my father have to say?”

“Same old, same old. “Careful Mulder! Is this case worth it Mulder?””

You laughed in response, as much as your dad claimed to find Mulder a nuance you could tell he had come to deeply care for the man.

“I came to ask if you needed a ride home? Skinner’s gone home right?”

It’s true your father had left early, leaving you with either a bus ride or a rather hot and sweaty walk home. Mulder’s offer definitely seemed the lesser of three evils.

“Sure! Thanks Agent Mulder.”

“Get your stuff, I’ll meet you in the carpark.”

Once Mulder had left your office, you quickly ran to the bathroom to adjust your hair and makeup. The dreamy murmurs of Mazzy Star seeping into the bathroom as you redid your now worn lipgloss.

Turning the lights off to your office, you couldn’t help but feel the butterflies in your stomach dance around as you began to feel nervous about the journey, albeit the ten minute journey, ahead.

Thanks for the reading x

[shutupineedtothink]

X files mini review/analysis 2x13 "Irresistible"

Me through the first half of the ep: baby girl what is wrong? This is like every other Tuesday for you guys what is going on with you? Scully babe are you okay???

Me after her first alien hallucination: ohhhhh shittttt ohh nooooo

This ep was excellent on many fronts but especially the lighting and direction, I thought there were some genuinely beautiful shots in this one. The orange blue lighting when they were talking in the jail? Peak.

Also love to see Scullys emotional journey more after everything she's been through, we got to see Mulder completely lose his mind so equality and all

And of course, at the end of the day she almost has no choice but to be vulnerable in front of him, and because he's a good person he holds her without judgment, just concern and care for her. Chefs kiss.

I loved that there at the end after a couple verbal attempts to get her to open up he just tilts her chin up and finally meeting his eyes is what gets her to break. He doesn't need to say anything else.

In general tho he just has this very soft spoken way of talking to her and it was really working for me this ep especially.

Love that she went to therapy, I hope we see her go back. Mulder, when? I won't hold my breath.

Him holding up the football tickets and smiling and her just being like what the fuck dude we just saw a grave robbery was sooooo funny to me

"Besides you could use my help." "Always." I screamed.

Idk what accent the Minneapolis fbi guy was doing but I know a Midwest accent when I hear one and that wasn't it nice try my dude.