#The Tough Guide to Fantasyland

[no-where-new-hero]

*So little known you had to buy a shitty/ancient edition just to own it. I’m considering Dogsbody, Fire and Hemlock, and Tale of Time City “well-known” by this rubric because they had recent reprint editions accessible in many US bookstores/Amazon, which is why I left them out!

[tacroyy]

LMAO YELLING!!! this is from diana wynne jones to her editor—

Dear Miriam, I have been on the phone to Terry Pratchett who sent me a rough draft of a story which is going to be very good, but he is very anxious to know at what stage in the process he actually gets the money.

[another-rpg-sideblog]

Fantasyland, from Diana Wynne Jones' excellent Tough Guide to Fantasyland.

[yellbug]

i'm trying to think of some examples of business fantasy ... the most salient examples of it i can think of is DWJ's "The tough guide to fantasyland" although that is mostly intended for the "consumer" not for the business person (btw i really reccomend it. it's very funny). the show severance is business sci fi and is the strongest example i can think of. I think pratchett's making money & going postal don't count because it's about being a public servant but they're close. there are probably some isekai shows like this. i think "heavens design team" the manga/anime is definitely business fantasy. please let me know if you have some more examples

[omgpurplefattie]

Horses

"Horses are of a breed unique to Fantasyland. They are capable of galloping full-tilt all day without a rest. Sometimes they do not require food or water. They never cast shoes, go lame, or put their hooves down holes, except when the Management deems it necessary, as when the forces of the Dark Lord are only half an hour behind. They never otherwise stumble. Nor do they ever make life difficult for Tourists by biting or kicking their riders or one another. They never resist being mounted or blow out so that their girths slip, or do any of the other things thst make horses so chancy in this world. For instance, they never shy and seldom whinny or demand sugar at inopportune moments. But for some reason you can not hold a conversation while riding them. If you want to say anything to another Tourist (or vice versa) , both of you will have to rein to a stop and stand staring out over a Valley while you talk. Apart from this inexplicable quirk, Horses can be used just like bicycles, and usually are. Much research into how these exemplary animals come to exist has resulted in the following: no mare ever comes into season on a Tour and no Stallion ever shows interest in a mare; and few horses are described as geldings. It therefore seems probable that they breed by pollination. This theory seems to account for everything, since it is clear that the creaturese do behave more like vegetables than mammals. It also explains why the Anglo-Saxon Cossacks and the Desert Nomads appear to have a monopoly on horse -breeding. They alone possess the secret of how to pollinate them. See also Horse-Breeding."

(from Tough Guide to Fantasyland by Diana Wynne Jones)

[dungeons-and-dictions]

Here’s how I keep my stories and their notes organized. Since I’m a hot mess, I figured out a low-maintenance “system”.

Each story has its own folder, by the story’s title. Because I can’t be bothered to type out the title again, I break it down into initials for files. In this case, my title is a single C-word:

C is where I write the story itself

C o3s is C’s out-of-order scenes

C Outline is the plot outline, and other important notes a la Brandon Sanderson.

C Header Excerpts is my compilation of epigraphs for chapters, like in Diana Wynne Jones’ The Tough Guide to Fantasyland, but focused on world and lore.

I’m in the process of transferring notes to the Obsidian app rn too! 🤞

[utilitycaster]

I'm Reading the Drizzt Novels and You Can't Stop Me: Homeland (and some anticipated questions)

Welcome to yet another ongoing series from me, a person who should be doing other things and may abandon it but also frankly will do this for her own entertainment regardless of whether anyone else cares. Let's back up first; if you're not in this car with me, get out of the rearview mirror.

Until now I have pretty much only read the Drizzt novels in situations where I was unwell, tired, or without another easy means of entertainment. Specifically, I read the first few while quarantining with a mild but still unpleasant case of COVID in late 2022, and then some others while dealing with catching up at work/post-illness fatigue/the general vibes of December in the northeast and Midatlantic states of the US. This caught me up to book 6, which represent the scene-setting; more on this later.

I then read Book 7 on a long train ride with nothing else to do, while very tired and probably a little hungover, in January 2023. I enjoyed it, in part because Wulfgar, who I do not care for, dies. (spoilers I guess? I'm not explicitly avoiding spoilers because these books are 30+ years old, but I'm not seeking them out, and I believe he comes back to life eventually).

I then proceeded to read Real Books (TM) for the remainder of 2023, some of which I can recommend highly and some of which were dumber than Wulfgar. Flash forward to getting my car serviced in the tail end of December 2023. I intended to bring my laptop. I did not. I also intended to bring headphones. I did not. And so, with a phone with so-so battery and little interest in watching HGTV, I read book 8. And I thought "what if I started doing this, because I can knock out one of these motherfuckers in a day if I try hard enough." I then thought "what if I slam books 1-7 again and do a book a week in 2024?"

Clearly I did not do this, because again, I have other books to read and things to do. However, I have finally, after another long-ass train ride, finished a reread of book 1. And so, with an unclear but hopefully from now on twice a month at least (?) update schedule, I bring you: Homeland. The rest of these posts will probably be way shorter.

For anyone who is not familiar with Drizzt or Forgotten Realms or whatever: this is a weird choice you've made. Anyway. Forgotten Realms is THE iconic D&D setting; it's where both the Baldur's Gate series is set as well as the D&D movie plus all kinds of adventures. What's it like? Well, it's basically The Tough Guide to Fantasyland, for all my Diana Wynne Jones fans out there. Do none of these references work for you? You'll just have to pick it up as we go along.

The Legend of the Legend of Drizzt is basically, as far as I know (and I don't know much) R.A. Salvatore was hired to write some cool adventures in a D&D setting in the early 90s. The plan, per the suits, was to follow Wulfgar, who was big and blond and very Conan The Barbarian which is, I should note, way more the vibe of D&D than LOTR much as we (D&D players) are loathe to admit it. However, Wulfgar had brains made out of one of the boring adult cereals: dull, and only slightly more fibrous than the fun cereals like Honey Bunches of Oats. Meanwhile, Drizzt, his drow buddy, fucking ruled. And so, after writing three very sword-and-sorcery (or more accurately, scimitar-and-wizardry) books, Salvatore returned to fill in Drizzt's backstory. And thus we begin in Homeland.

Drizzt Do'Urden is a drow, or dark elf, which in this setting are almost universally evil because they worship Lolth the spider queen. Is this Not Great? Yes. I also am reading The Wheel of Time, which is Even Worse About Biology As Destiny. The main purpose of this book is to cover Drizzt's childhood from when he leaves the underground drow city of Menzoberranzan.

Drizzt's mother is called Malice, unironically. The naming of drow makes no fucking sense, while we're at it; Malice, Zaknafein, SiNaFay, and Alton DeVir are all supposed to be from the same language? I'm not buying it. ANYWAY. Drow society is matriarchal bc spiders and because, as this post says, Salvatore REALLY wanted to be stepped on. Drizzt was born the third son, and was going to be sacrificed to Lolth because third sons are useless. His birth was ALSO being used by Malice to fuel an attack on House DeVir, because if you slaughter a whole-ass house in Menzoberranzan it's admirable of you, bc ontologically evil; and Lolth powers are increased by childbirth or some jazz.

Several important things happen here, pretty much all simultaneously, heralding Our Chosen One (Drizzt):

The attack on House DeVir goes super well for House Do'Urden

The second oldest brother, Dinin, kills his wizard elder brother (known as the elderboy by the creative geniuses of Menzoberranzan) which means Drizzt can survive because they need a replacement wizard boy.

We learn that Drizzt's father (one of Malice's several consorts) is Zaknafein, who fucking hates his life and how shitty drow society is but also is really good at murder and so he kind of hangs out doing that for House Do'Urden

A wizard who melted his face off fails to kill Alton DeVir, the last of the house of DeVir, which means technically House Do'Urden's attack was illegitimate. However, Masoj Hun'ett, of another powerful house, kills the faceless wizard and Alton takes the wizard's place, but desires VENGEANCE.

Drizzt has lavender eyes but is not blind. His eye color will come up approximately a zillion times. I considered counting, but trust me it's SO many.

The rest of the book covers the following, roughly in order:

Drizzt is super good at everything from a young age; he is placed in the care of his only full sibling, Vierna. Zak manages to successfully argue that Drizzt's dexterity is SO good that he HAS to be a fighter and not a wizard, which permits him to train Drizzt, who is, as discussed, good at everything. He almost mercy-kills him before school because he'd rather his son die innocent than become a drow, but also he hates the idea of killing a child, and also Drizzt is a really good fighter, and so it doesn't happen. They depart on bad terms though.

Drizzt then goes to fighter school (instead of wizard school) and is an excellent fighter but not naturally deceptive and backstabbing because he is Pure of Heart; he is constantly skirting trouble by asking such questions as "why do we all want to murder each other all the time though" and "why is our graduation ceremony a drug fueled spider goddess orgy"

Masoj and Alton scheme; Alton eventually learns in a hoisted by his own petard way that the faceless wizard was also of house Hun,ett, and that house is willing to help him strike back at house Do'Urden

Masoj has a magic panther named Guenhwyvar who likes Drizzt more than him.

Drizzt goes on a surface raid and fucking loves the surface, and feels bad about murdering the surface elves, so he fakes the brutal slaughter of an elven girl. Lolth sees this and doesn't like it one bit and blames the whole house.

Drizzt proves himself on other patrols, and realizes Masoj Hun'ett keeps trying to fucking kill him, notably on a patrol where they run into deep gnomes (svirfneblin). Drizzt spares one of them as well. Dinin is growing suspicious.

Malice realizes that Lolth is mad and assumes it's Zaknafein, known problem, but Lolth tells her someone already knows

Drizzt tells her about Masoj, under questioning

Drizzt and Zak reunite and realize they are kindred spirits who are like "wait our society is MAD fucked up and miserable" and excitedly decide to run away and stop being miserable, BUT Malice is Scrying on them the whole time.

Drizzt goes out to clear his mind and gets cornered by Masoj and Alton. They try to kill him. Joke's on them! Drizzt kills Masoj, Alton's own wand blows up and kills him, and Drizzt gets the panther.

HOWEVER joke is also on Drizzt because Malice approaches Zak and tells him she's going to murder Drizzt, to which Zak tells her to kill him instead. She does so.

Drizzt learns of this and runs away.

The entire book is threaded through with Drizzt's first person reflections, which are actually quite touching at times but also definitely kind of overwrought so I do keep reading them as if they are Sex and the City/Scrubs/Winona Ryder in the 80s (Beetlejuice, Heathers) diary entries

And so our stage is set. If I recall correctly book two is "you have your father's morals; and his tendency towards clinical depression" so we're going to have a rollicking good time (genuine).

[narrativelysignificantturtleduck]

atla characters + star trek

aang

favorite series: he likes the optimism of tos and tng best but he appreciates them all

character he should meet: benjamin sisko. sisko would make him a delicious vegetarian meal, over which they'd discuss struggling with their responsibilities as spiritual leaders

katara

favorite series: ds9 because it has the most explicit antifa politics, and voyager because powerful women. captain katara!

character she should meet: kira nerys. they could bond over losing their mothers at a young age and fighting colonizers, as well as their unwavering faith in their friend who is also a spiritual leader

sokka

favorite series: tng and ds9, but he's seen them all. biggest trekkie of the gaang. has built model spaceships with hakoda

character he should meet: literally any of the engineers. let him follow them around with wide starstruck eyes as they explain the workings of a warp engine. it's what he deserves

toph

favorite series: does not watch star trek but has heard sokka talk about it

character she should meet: seven of nine. they've both fought fictionalized versions of the Rock, they're both defiantly independant because of a repressive upbringing, and seven has been known to bond with intelligent young girls

zuko

favorite series: tos and tng - they offered a comforting refuge for him as a kid with a difficult home life

character he should meet: worf. the only people more obsessed with honor than zuko are klingons, and they could theoretically bond over having a complicated relationship with the warrior culture they're from. but that would require emotional openness, so realistically they'd probably just spar and compare weapons. that would still be fun for them i think. also worf might tell him he fights with honor and that would make him happy

suki

favorite series: voyager, because women, but familiar with all of them via sokka

character she should meet: jadzia dax. they'd spar and talk about their dating lives, bicon to bicon

azula

favorite series: star trek is for nerds like zuzu

character she should meet: kathryn janeway. she'd benefit from a mom figure, and she'd need one who's just as tough as she is and who has experience guiding young women who were raised to be weapons

mai

favorite series: ds9. she enjoys the moral ambiguity and political drama

character she should meet: spock. with the blunt bangs and emotionless attitude, she's basically already a vulcan, and like spock she has had to rebel against her emotionally repressive upbringing

ty lee

favorite series: ds9, also for the moral ambiguity and political drama.

character she should meet: deanna troi. they could have a girls' night eating chocolate and talking about vibes and auras and how people underestimate them

iroh

favorite series: tos - he likes a classic. the politics probably went over his head when he was young though

character he should meet: jean-luc picard. they'd have tea and talk about philosophy, in the process of which picard would call him on only changing his mind about the war when he was personally affected. iroh could call picard out for being a frenchman lecturing an asian man about imperialism but unfortunately picard has probably already acknowledged Earth's past in his speech, plus iroh is from a fantasyland and doesn't know what french people are

hakoda

favorite series: don't make him pick! he's seen them all and is the reason sokka and katara are into it. your stereotypical nerd dad. he sings along to the enterprise theme song, much to his children's embarrassment

character he should meet: james t. kirk. bakoda is so spirkcoded

[scribbet]

With all the delays in bringing internet to the new place I'm only getting around to this weeks after it's been and gone for everyone else, but thank you @ninjakk for tagging me, always nice to get to know people better :)

Three ships:

*did this leave 'I saw three ships come sailing in, come sailing in, come sailing in...' stuck in anyone else's head after doing this??*

Wangxian are clearly going to be top here, very little I can do about that really, and I don't think they're exactly news to anyone following this blog...

So outside of them, and assuming that shipping means I have spent a lot of time actively seeking out fan content for a pairing, my next three ships would be:

TodoDeku- Todoroki Shoto/Izuku Midoriya -BNHA (My Hero Academia) – I've dropped off with the manga/anime and fandom, and I'm essentially waiting to see how Horikoshi wraps this up before I commit to picking it up again but darn it I do really enjoy this pairing. They can be so good for each other! They're two people messed up in quite different ways who still manage to bring some good into the world out of that! One of them sets on fire and the other one is annoyingly OP but still his mind and his heart are two of the most dangerous things about him!! Sue me :P

25th Bam/Khun Aguero Agnis – Tower of God – So what did you do during lockdown Scribbet? Well I decided it was definitely the time to go and spend literal weeks reading the entire backlog of an infamously long and convoluted Webtoon, and then read hundreds of thousands of words of fan fiction about the potentially world-destroying (sort of) sunshine boy of an unwitting catalyst and the scheming, wickedly intelligent, single-mindedly loyal manipulator who became his first real friend, how about you?

Howell Jenkins/Sophie Hatter from HMC by Diana Wynne Jones (very specifically the book rather than Ghibli film characters) – DWJ is probably one of my longest-standing favourites, of anything, and I have literally submitted degree essays on her as an author so I'll try to restrain myself. But these two ridiculous magic-users drive each other up the wall and they're exactly what the other needs. Both pretty brilliant at what they do and both with the capacity to be stubborn idiots who cut up the other's clothes or have magically empowered tantrums over accidentally dying their hair ginger. Will not face up to unwelcome truths until they literally chase after them as destructive curses. Welsh PhD students running off to become wizards (mood) and argumentative red-heads, what more could I ask for?

Hmm I didn't realise just how much I tended towards power couples (probably with emotional issues) before this.... competency kink what now?

First Ever Ship:

In terms of being so invested that I actually consumed and created content of them? Somewhere on Fanfiction.Net I believe there's still several Mulan/Shang fics of mine from around 2004 from Disney's Mulan. Honestly the more I think about it the less surprising my whole only recently recognised bisexuality is, I'm spending half my time feeling like a Tumblr joke right now....

Last song:

It's Alright by Mother Mother - not my usual sound really but apparently I'm looking for emotional catharsis in my music right now https://youtu.be/G5-KJgVsoUM

Last movie:

Glass Onion – which I've now had the fun of seeing both at the cinema and through Netflix. Definitely a film that rewards a rewatch as you start to notice all the things that were laid out right in front of you the first time round. Everyone making it seems to have had a whale of a time and it's amazing how much satisfaction I got out of that conclusion. Smashing glass can be something so personal you know?...

Currently reading:

The Tough Guide to Fantasyland by Diana Wynne Jones – one day let me be this good at dryly nailing the ridiculous aspects of the things I enjoy while still having fun with them.

Currently watching:

The Lord of the Rings Extended Editions Appendices- because I've just moved into a flat by myself after living with other people for years, and those extras are the media equivalent of being snuggled under a warm blanket with a hot chocolate for me.

Currently consuming:

Cadbury's Wispa bites. There... really aren't many left now.

Currently craving:

Headspace? A lot of major things going on IRL right now and it'd be nice to have a bit less emotional and organisational heavy-lifting going on. Also, snow. Where I live seems to be one of the very few places in the UK not to have snow so far this winter, and I'd like to see some before the first spring bulbs come through!

[fionatlux]

get that creature some Stew*

*"STEW (the OMTs are thick and savory, which translate as 'viscous' and 'dark brown') is the staple FOOD in Fantasyland, so be warned. You may shortly be longing passionately for omelette, steak, or baked beans, but none of these will be forthcoming, indoors or out. Stew will be what you are served to eat every single time. Given the disturbed nature of life in this land, where in CAMP you are likely to be attacked without warning (but see BATH), and in an INN prone to be the centre of a TAVERN BRAWL, Stew seems to be an odd choice as a staple food, since, on a rough calculation, it takes forty times as long to prepare as steak. But it is clear the inhabitants have not yet discovered fast food. The exact recipe for Stew is of course a Management secret, but it is thought to contain meat of some kind and perhaps even vegetables. Do not expect a salad on the side."

--Diana Wynne Jones, The Tough Guide to Fantasyland

[ksfoxwald]

Been trying for days to make a post about religion in Valdemar, but it's so bonkers and inconsistant and frankly half-assed that I'm not even sure where to start.

Exhibit A: Father Leren. The representation of homophobic religion as a strawman for Lackey to take down (and also maybe possessed by a demon or something, idk that part was kind of vague and came out of nowhere). But it's never stated what deity he is the priest of, and by extension what religion Vanyel grew up in. He doesn't seem to spend much time thinking about it as an adult, so it's probably fair to assume he's a lapsed follower of... whatever. Given Valdemar's plethora of "no one true way" policy, it could be that many citizens are less likely to adhere to a specific deity than they are to invoke whichever one is most convenient. This could be particularly true for the ruler and royal family; remaining politely agnostic in order to avoid favoritism. Which then begs the question of, say, if someone married into the royal family who had a religion, and what the political implications would be.

Exhibit B: Tarma and the Star-Eyed. The Valdemar/Velgarth term "priest" seems to mean someone who has a direct personal relationship with a deity and is able to invoke their power at will as a sort of limited dogmatic mage. It's unclear what priests actually do. Officiate weddings, run temple schools, capture demons. They aren't too concerned with saving souls, because there doesn't seem to be much debate over what happens to souls after death; they either go on to some nebulously conceived afterlife or get reincarnated, regardless of which deity they followed in life.

Exhibit C: The Book of One. The general cosmology seems to be that all the deities coexist on some kind of Other Plane more or less simultaneously and more or less peacefully; it's implied a few times that deities get strength from believers, but the mechanics of that aren't clear and the implications are rarely examined. But then there's what appears to be Lackey trying to be clever with monotheism being a funny little pacifist cult rather than a driving force for imperial conquest. But while the religion is referenced fairly frequently, we only see minor side characters as adherents and it's not really explained how their "One" is related to all the other gods that have frequent and tangible proof of existence. Sure, the gods probably hang out less with farmers than their chosen Heroes and adventurers, but there's got to be historical records. To disbelieve the gods makes about as much sense as not believing in magic.

I'm not going into Vkandis here because 1) I haven't gotten there in my re-read and 2) there's probably enough there to make it's own post.

Mostly though I'm thinking how all the Heroes, even the gods-chosen, are vaguely agnostic, even after hanging out with deities, and that part in The Tough Guide To Fantasyland that's something like "It should be noted that no Tourist will ever convert to a religion, no matter how persuasive its followers are."

(and also thinking that a good 50% of the Tough Guide is Valdemar and Derkholm is a straight up riff on Urtho. Jones may have been rather scornful of Valdemar, but she not only read a lot of them but wrote not-quite-fanfiction of them)

[mask131]

I was reading the TV Tropes page of "The Tough Guide to Fantasyland" and this line cracked me up because of how accurate it is:

[It is pointed out] how horses are treated like bicycles and the Guide therefore speculates that they're not actually animals, but vegetables which breed by pollination.

[theravenpiper]

Apostrophes in Names

Fantasy writers love apostrophes in names. They have done so at least since the pulps of the 1930s, although their use was probably popularized by Anne McCaffrey’s Pern series. On Pern, a person’s name is shortened when they become a dragon-rider, so the series includes characters with names like F’lar and F’nor. It seems an unlikely custom to me, but at least McCaffrey uses apostrophes in an immediately recognized way. By contrast, the only answers I have coaxed from imitators is “it’s cool” — never a good reason for background details — or that the apostrophe indicates a pause — which is not a standard reason for using an apostrophe. Few have any idea why the apostrophe is there.

In English and French, an apostrophe indicates that some letters are left out. For instance, in French, “d’Erlon” is short for “de Erlon,” and reflects the oral habit of dropping a duplicated sound. In English, an apostrophe by extension indicates possession, because in Old English, the possessive ending was “es” and Modern English does not pronounce the “e.” In addition, an apostrophe is used in attempts to render non-European pronunciations using Latin characters. For instance, in the Haida language of the Pacific Northwest l and l’ are separate sounds. So are k and k’. However, only experts in a given language can be expected to know the conventions, so if you do decide on an unorthodox use, at the very least you should provide a pronunciation guide at the start of the book. If you don’t, you risk readers settling on an embarrassingly inappropriate one, as Ursula Le Guin found out when she learned that her wizard Ged from A Wizard of Earthsea was called Jed by some of her readers, making him sound like a hillbilly from an 1960s TV show..

On the whole, though, it’s best to stick to the standard English purposes when writing for an English-speaking audience. Mysterious apostrophes are almost always an exotica too far, like names without vowels or ones full of Qs and Xs. Many readers will simply substitute a blank in their mind for a name that is too exotic, which estranges them from the story, especially when several names are replaced by blanks. If you must use exotic punctuation, accents and diacriticals are available from your keyboard and are easy to look up.

Apostrophes in fantasy names are a rookie’s mistake, and make the writer appear illiterate. In A Tough Guide to Fantasyland, a humorous dictionary of clichés, Diane Wynne Jones said it all:"Few NAMES in Fantasyland are considered complete unless they are interrupted by an apostrophe somewhere in the middle (as in Gna’ash). The only names usually exempt from apostrophes, apart from those of most WIZARDS, heroes, and COMPANIONS on the Tour, are those of some COUNTRIES. No one knows the reasons for this."

Including, more often than not, the writers themselves.

[iconuk01]

Horses are of a breed unique to Fantasyland.

They are capable of galloping full-tilt all day without a rest. Sometimes they do not require food or water.

They never cast shoes, go lame or put their hooves down holes, except when the Management deems it necessary, as when the forces of the Dark Lord are only half an hour behind. They never otherwise stumble.

Nor do they ever make life difficult for Tourists by biting or kicking their riders or one another.

They never resist being mounted or blow out so that their girths slip, or do any of the other things that make horses so chancy in this world.

For instance, they never shy and seldom whinny or demand sugar at inopportune moments.

But for some reason you cannot hold a conversation while riding them. If you want to say anything to another Tourist (or vice versa), both of you will have to rein to a stop and stand staring out over a valley while you talk.

Apart from this inexplicable quirk, horses can be used just like bicycles, and usually are.

Much research into how these exemplary animals come to exist has resulted in the following: no mare ever comes into season on the Tour and no stallion ever shows an interest in a mare; and few horses are described as geldings.

It therefore seems probable that they breed by pollination. This theory seems to account for everything, since it is clear that the creatures do behave more like vegetables than mammals.

Nomads appears to have a monopoly on horse-breeding. They alone possess the secret of how to pollinate them.”

The Tough Guide to Fantasyland - Diana Wynne Jones

Horses: Since There Seems To Be A Knowledge Gap

I'm going to go ahead and preface this with: I comment pretty regularly on clips and photos featuring horses and horseback riding, often answering questions or providing explanations for how or why certain things are done. I was a stable hand and barrel racer growing up, and during my 11 year tenure on tumblr, Professional Horse Commentary is a very niche, yet very necessary, subject that needs filling. Here are some of the literary and creative gaps I've noticed in well meaning (and very good!) creators trying to portray horses and riding realistically that... well, most of you don't seem to even be aware of, because you wouldn't know unless you worked with horses directly!

Some Of The Most Common Horse + Riding Mistakes I See:

-Anybody can ride any horse if you hold on tight enough/have ridden once before.

Nope. No, no, no, no, aaaaaaaand, no. Horseback riding has, historically, been treated as a life skill taught from surprisingly young ages. It wasn't unusual in the pre-vehicular eras to start teaching children as young as 4 to begin to ride, because horses don't come with airbags, and every horse is different. For most adults, it can take months or years of regular lessons to learn to ride well in the saddle, and that's just riding; not working or practicing a sport.

Furthermore, horses often reject riders they don't know. Unless a horse has been trained like a teaching horse, which is taught to tolerate riders of all skill and experience levels, it will take extreme issue with having some random person try to climb on their back. Royalty, nobility, and the knighted classes are commonly associated with the "having a favorite special horse" trope, because it's true! Just like you can have a particularly special bond with a pet or service animal that verges on parental, the same can apply with horses. Happy horses love their owners/riders, and will straight-up do their best to murder anyone that tries to ride them without permission.

-Horses are stupid/have no personality.

There isn't a more dangerous assumption to make than assuming a horse is stupid. Every horse has a unique personality, with traits that can be consistent between breeds (again, like cat and dog breeds often have distinct behavior traits associated with them), but those traits manifest differently from animal to animal.

My mother had an Arabian horse, Zipper, that hated being kicked as a signal to gallop. One day, her mom and stepdad had a particularly unpleasant visitor; an older gentleman that insisted on riding Zipper, but refused to listen to my mother's warnings never to kick him. "Kicking" constitutes hitting the horse's side(s) with your heels, whether you have spurs on or not. Most horses only need a gentle squeeze to know what you want them to do.

Anyway, Zipper made eye-contact with my mom, asking for permission. He understood what she meant when she nodded at him. He proceeded to give this asshole of a rider road rash on the side of the paddock fence and sent him to the emergency room. He wouldn't have done it if he didn't have the permission from the rider he respected, and was intelligent enough to ask, "mind if I teach this guy a lesson?" with his eyes, and understand, "Go for it, buddy," from my mom in return.

-Riding bareback is possible to do if you hold onto the horse's mane really tight.

Riding a horse bareback (with no saddle, stirrups, or traditional harness around the horse's head) is unbelievably difficult to learn, particularly have testicles and value keeping them. Even professional riders and equestrians find ourselves relying on tack (the stuff you put on a horse to ride it) to stay stable on our horses, even if we've been riding that particular horse for years and have a very positive, trusting relationship.

Horses sweat like people do. The more they run, the more their hair saturates with sweat and makes staying seated on them slippery. Hell, an overworked horse can sweat so heavily that the saddle slips off its back. It's also essential to brush and bathe a horse before it's ridden in order to keep it healthier, so their hair is often quite slick from either being very clean or very damp. In order to ride like that, you have to develop the ability to synchronize your entire body's rhythm's with the rhythm of the horse's body beneath you, and quite literally move as one. Without stirrups, most people can't do it, and some people can never master bareback riding no matter how many years they spend trying to learn.

-You can be distracted and make casual conversation while a horse is standing untethered in the middle of a barn or field.

At every barn I've ever worked at, it's been standard practice with every single horse, regardless of age or temperament, to secure their heads while they're being tacked up or tacked down. The secures for doing this are simple ropes with clips that are designed to attach to the horse's halter (the headwear for a horse that isn't being ridden; they have no bit that goes in the horse's mouth, and no reins for a rider to hold) on metal O rings on either side of the horse's head. This is not distressing to the horse, because we give them plenty of slack to turn their heads and look around comfortably.

The problem with trying to tack up an unrestrained horse while chatting with fellow stable hands or riders is that horses know when you're distracted! And they often try to get away with stuff when they know you're not looking! In a barn, a horse often knows where the food is stored, and will often try to tiptoe off to sneak into the feed room.

Horses that get into the feed room are often at a high risk of dying. While extremely intelligent, they don't have the ability to throw up, and they don't have the ability to tell that their stomach is full and should stop eating. Allowing a horse into a feed/grain room WILL allow it to eat itself to death.

Other common woes stable hands and riders deal with when trying to handle a horse with an unrestrained head is getting bitten! Horses express affection between members of their own herd, and those they consider friends and family, through nibbling and surprisingly rough biting. It's not called "horseplay" for nothing, because during my years working with horses out in the pasture, it wasn't uncommon at all for me to find individuals with bloody bite marks on their withers (that high part on the middle of the back of their shoulders most people instinctively reach for when they try to get up), and on their backsides. I've been love-bitten by horses before, and while flattering, they hurt like hell on fleshy human skin.

So, for the safety of the horse, and everybody else, always make a show of somehow controlling the animal's head when hands-on and on the ground with them.

-Big Horse = War Horse

Startlingly, the opposite is usually the case! Draft and carriage horses, like Percherons and Friesians, were never meant to be used in warfare. Draft horses are usually bred to be extremely even-tempered, hard to spook, and trustworthy around small children and animals. Historically, they're the tractors of the farm if you could afford to upgrade from oxen, and were never built to be fast or agile in a battlefield situation.

More importantly, just because a horse is imposing and huge doesn't make it a good candidate for carrying heavy weights. A real thing that I had to be part of enforcing when I worked at a teaching ranch was a weight limit. Yeah, it felt shitty to tell people they couldn't ride because we didn't have any horses strong enough to carry them due to their weight, but it's a matter of the animal's safety. A big/tall/chonky horse is more likely to be built to pull heavy loads, but not carry them flat on their spines. Horses' muscular power is predominantly in their ability to run and pull things, and too heavy a rider can literally break a horse's spine and force us to euthanize it.

Some of the best war horses out there are from the "hot blood" family. Hot blooded horses are often from dry, hot, arid climates, are very small and slight (such as Arabian horses), and are notoriously fickle and flighty. They're also a lot more likely to paw/bite/kick when spooked, and have even sometimes been historically trained to fight alongside their rider if their rider is dismounted in combat; kicking and rearing to keep other soldiers at a distance.

-Any horse can be ridden if it likes you enough.

Just like it can take a lifetime to learn to ride easily, it can take a lifetime of training for a horse to comfortably take to being ridden or taking part in a job, like pulling a carriage. Much like service animals, horses are typically trained from extremely young ages to be reared into the job that's given to them, and an adult horse with no experience carrying a rider is going to be just as scared as a rider who's never actually ridden a horse.

Just as well, the process of tacking up a horse isn't always the most comfortable experience for the horse. To keep the saddle centered on the horse's back when moving at rough or fast paces, it's essential to tighten the belly strap (cinch) of the saddle as tightly as possible around the horse's belly. For the horse, it's like wearing a tight corset, chafes, and even leaves indents in their skin afterward that they love having rinsed with water and scratched. Some horses will learn to inflate their bellies while you're tightening the cinch so you can't get it as tight as it needs to be, and then exhale when they think you're done tightening it.

When you're working with a horse wearing a bridle, especially one with a bit, it can be a shocking sensory experience to a horse that's never used a bit before. While they lack a set of teeth naturally, so the bit doesn't actually hurt them, imagine having a metal rod shoved in your mouth horizontally! Unless you understand why it's important for the person you care about not dying, you'd be pretty pissed about having to keep it in there!

-Horseback riding isn't exercise.

If you're not using every muscle in your body to ride with, you're not doing it right.

Riding requires every ounce of muscle control you have in your entire body - although this doesn't mean it wasn't realistic for people with fat bodies to stay their weight while also being avid riders; it doesn't mean the muscles aren't there. To stay on the horse, you need to learn how it feels when it moves at different gaits (walk, trot, canter, gallop), how to instruct it to switch leads (dominant legs; essential for precise turning and ease of communication between you and the horse), and not falling off. While good riders look like they're barely moving at all, that's only because they're good riders. They know how to move so seamlessly with the horse, feeling their movements like their own, that they can compensate with their legs and waists to not bounce out of the saddle altogether or slide off to one side. I guarantee if you ride a horse longer than 30 minutes for the first time, your legs alone will barely work and feel like rubber.

-Horses aren't affectionate.

Horses are extraordinarily affectionate toward the right people. As prey animals, they're usually wary of people they don't know, or have only recently met. They also - again, like service animals - have a "work mode" and a "casual mode" depending upon what they're doing at the time. Horses will give kisses like puppies, wiggle their upper lips on your hair/arms to groom you, lean into neck-hugs, and even cuddle in their pasture or stall if it's time to nap and you join them by leaning against their sides. If they see you coming up from afar and are excited to see you, they'll whinny and squeal while galloping to meet you at the gate. They'll deliberately swat you with their tails to tease you, and will often follow you around the pasture if they're allowed to regardless of what you're up to.

-Riding crops are cruel.

Only cruel people use riding crops to hurt their horses. Spurs? I personally object to, because any horse that knows you well doesn't need something sharp jabbing them in the side for emphasis when you're trying to tell them where you want them to go. Crops? Are genuinely harmless tools used for signalling a horse.

I mean, think about it. Why would crops be inherently cruel instruments if you need to trust a horse not to be afraid of you and throw you off when you're riding it?

Crops are best used just to lightly tap on the left or right flank of the horse, and aren't universally used with all forms of riding. You'll mainly see crops used with English riding, and they're just tools for communicating with the horse without needing to speak.

-There's only one way to ride a horse.

Not. At. All. At most teaching ranches, you'll get two options: Western, or English, because they tend to be the most popular for shows and also the most common to find equipment for. English riding uses a thinner, smaller saddle, narrower stirrups, and much thinner bridles. I, personally, didn't like English style riding because I never felt very stable in such a thin saddle with such small stirrups, and didn't start learning until my mid teens. English style riding tends to focus more on your posture and deportment in the saddle, and your ability to show off your stability and apparent immovability on the horse. It was generally just a bit too stiff and formal for me.

Western style riding utilizes heavier bridles, bigger saddles (with the iconic horn on the front), and broader stirrups. Like its name may suggest, Western riding is more about figuring out how to be steady in the saddle while going fast and being mobile with your upper body. Western style riding is generally the style preferred for working-type shows, such as horseback archery, gunning, barrel racing, and even rodeo riding.

-Wealthy horse owners have no relationship with their horses.

This is loosely untrue, but I've seen cases where it is. Basically, horses need to feel like they're working for someone that matters to them in order to behave well with a rider and not get impatient or bored. While it's common for people to board horses at off-property ranches (boarding ranches) for cost and space purposes, it's been historically the truth that having help is usually necessary with horses at some point. What matters is who spends the most time with the animal treating it like a living being, rather than a mode of transport or a tool. There's no harm in stable hands handling the daily upkeep; hay bales and water buckets are heavy, and we're there to profit off the labor you don't want or have the time to do. You get up early to go to work; we get up early to look after your horses. Good owners/boarders visit often and spend as much of their spare time as they can with spending quality work and playtime with their horses. Otherwise, the horses look to the stable hands for emotional support and care.

So, maybe you're writing a knight that doesn't really care much for looking after his horse, but his squire is really dedicated to keeping up with it? There's a better chance of the horse having a more affectionate relationship with the squire thanks to the time the squire spends on looking after it, while the horse is more likely to tolerate the knight that owns it as being a source of discipline if it misbehaves. That doesn't mean the knight is its favorite person. When it comes to horses, their love must be earned, and you can only earn it by spending time with them hands-on.

-Horses can graze anywhere without concern.

This is a mistake that results in a lot of premature deaths! A big part of the cost of owning a horse - even before you buy one - is having the property that will be its pasture assessed for poisonous plants, and having those plants removed from being within the animal's reach. This is an essential part of farm upkeep every year, because horses really can't tell what's toxic and what isn't. One of the reasons it's essential to secure a horse when you aren't riding it is to ensure it only has a very limited range to graze on, and it's your responsibility as the owner/rider to know how to identify dangerous plants and keep your horses away from them.

There's probably more. AMA in my askbox if you have any questions, but that's all for now. Happy writing.

[arwainian]

Reading This Week 2024 #3

Three in and I'm already posting these updates DAYS late I am so sorry. In my defense I was sick at the end of last week and so was mostly curled up in blankets. That also meant I didn't keep as precise track of what I was reading as I try to, but hopefully what I share with you now I am correct in saying I read last week!

Finished:

A Wizard of Earthsea by Ursula K. Le Guin

I have been meaning to check out more of Le Guin's work for ages and ages now, and by luck I happen to be assisting a course on the fantasy genre in literature that perfectly lined up with Shelved by Genre starting to cover Earthsea. This book progresses at such speed, and yet Le Guin's style is so wonderful that it never felt rushed, there is simply so much packed in this book! I'm proud to say I guessed how the central problem would be solved a few chapters before the end, and I'm really excited to continue with the rest of the series

Started and Finished:

many sections of The Tough Guide to Fantasyland by Diana Wynne Jones

did this book make me laugh? yes. did I enjoy it? not really... it's a satire of fantasy literature (specifically medievalesque adventure fantasy) in the guise of a guidebook for Fantasyland, and while I think I agreed with basically every issue and annoyance it was critiquing through its joke entries, I couldn't help but feel it was an extremely cynical kind of humor. fantasy deserves critique, but this book felt more like it was mocking the magic of it, and do whatever you want to fantasy just don't mock the magic

Chapter 4: "Subjects" from Differences That Matter: Feminist Theory and Postmodernism by Sara Ahmed

"Sexuality" by Rey Chow from A Concise Companion to Feminist Theory

"Staging Dissents: Drag Kings, Resistance, and Feminist Masculinities" by Jae Basiliere

"The Camp as 'Nomos' of the Modern" from Homo Sacer: Sovereign Power and Bare Life by Giorgio Agamben

the above four I already got my talking about them out during class (first three for gender and sexuality studies, the final for my class on the global novel). there is a little bit about reproductive labor re: improved contraception and surrogacy in the Chow chapter that I'd like to read more about in the future

Started and Ongoing:

Undoing Gender by Judith Butler

read the introduction and the first four chapters of this for gender and sexuality studies, and i will be reading at least chapter 6 going forward (will have to check if any other sections are required or interesting to me). chapter 3, which was largely about David Reimer was absolutely excellent and I think achieved its goal in trying to do justice to him and his story.

Orange, Vol. 3 by Ichigo Takano, translated by Amber Tamosaitis

an attempt was made this week at reading for pleasure. i started reading through this volume bc I like the mixture of time travel intrigue and normalslice of life drama, but then the mcs were begining to fumble one of their plans/reveal too much of what they know about events and i got Too Anxious and closed the kindle app, and did not open it again before due date with Libby had passed

Ongoing:

Lost Children Archive by Valeria Luiselli

okay so at the time I'm writing this I've actually already finished reading Lost Children Archive. thus are the perils of delaying the weekly reading post. I started enjoying the book more when it started to resemble a children's adventure novel more, which really shows how much a genre-fiction-head i am, but the shift DID also really stress me out

[missbookiverse]

The Lives of Animals (auch beim zweiten Mal noch äußerst Gedanken-stimulierend)

Das Gästezimmer (spannende Idee, die keinen ganzen Roman trägt)

Die Rassistin (komplexer und witziger Beitrag zu einer komplizierten Debatte)

The Hole We're In (deprimierendes und süchtig machendes Abbild der amerikanischen Schuldenfalle)

The Ask & the Answer (Chaos Walking #2) (hat mir schon mal besser gefallen)

No Regrets (witzig, schrullig und herzerwärmend, Schreibstil auf Hochglanz) Beitrag folgt

After the Forest (atmosphärische Märchenstimmung, leider zu viel und zu lang)

The Tough Guide to Fantasyland (witziger Reiseführer durch Fantasyländer des 20. Jahrhunderts)

Menacing Manor (nicht so stark wie die anderen Bände, langsam wiederholt sich zu viel)

Das Mädchen mit dem Porzellangesicht (märchenhafte Geschichte in genialem Wortgewand)

Unheimlich Geschichten #2 (Poe lohnt sich immer, v. a. so stimmungsvoll gelesen wie von Jürgen Uter)

DNF: The Land of Lost Things (unnötige Fortsetzung, die peinlich bemüht darum ist, möglichst woke zu sein)