#THIS IS THE YEAR I APPLY SERIOUSLY NOW !!!!!
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(ID in alt) I literally said I was gonna post this month's ago and then never had the wherewithal to describe it and so I didn't Lmao (said with pain). But since I'm thinking of opening my commissions I figured I should remind ppl that I. Yknow. Can draw.
Lots of Steph here (I had major art block making all of these and my brain worms for her kept me going) + some sprinkles of stephcass for Cass nation to enjoy!
#dc comics#dc#stephanie brown#cassandra cain#jason todd#(yes for the teddy bear. it counts)#batgirl#batgirls#mine#< keep forgetting to tag my art as that I'm terrible 😭#ANYHOW I'm slowly getting back into drawing again after my last ipad got nuked (cant think abt that or ill cry) and i finished uni#oh yeah j finished my first year of uni btw. i went to an Olivia Rodrigo concert like a week or 2 ago. I've been busy lol#but yeah it's looking like I've got a fun summer of bottom feeding ahead of me now that I've officially been told i got passed over for that#-comic job i applied for. lol. lmao even#it's fine honestly it was a pretty daunting prospect i just have to find a way to fill the time by myself now#I've plenty of comics to read so that's nice. got wayyy into mark waids DD run recently (mostly for Chris Samnee's art)#so that's been fun! i have my empowered omnibus (embarrassing and kept under my bed <3) i have TT year 1 i have huntress and WW#uhhh i got flash 1 minute war. lots of good stuff!#so hopefully i don't go. completely feral from lack of stimulation#also hopefully commissions will be a thing i can do#godddd there's many mkre things i want to draw. i got too enamoured w my own bad theory and now I've drawn tim!bats#but unfortunately now i only want to draw tim!bats being laughed at my the batfamily bc seriously tim?? really??#< it's literally probably not going to happen but I've invested myself in this terrible future for some reason#imagine damian trying to robin for tim!bats for 1 (one) night and the next morning he doesn't say anything he just moves to bludhaven#he can't take this shit#oh so many ideas...#ANYWAY. ues. finally art. now if you like it. consider commissioning me (in 2 to 3 business weeks <3)#(no pressure)
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What can I say? They're my favorite.
#twdg#twdg clouis#clouis#twdg clementine#twdg louis#sometimes they creep back into my mind and i'm like 'ah yes' like a crow admiring a pretty stone they found years ago and kept#also thank you pi for the screenshots. i used to have a whole folder full of them but that was when i was doing themed nights#the source for these is me i just have a random document full of dynamics and ship things i enjoy because.....i dunno i like keeping track#and so many of them apply to clouis but there's also an overlap of with clouis and rose/alistair [my warden from origins and alistair] like#alistair's romance route is like an evolved matured and extended version of clouis sksksks gee i wonder if i have a type#look you present me with a character who deflects with humor and isn't taken seriously by the rest of the group and the longer you know the#the more you realize how high they've built a wall around themselves and how *unwell* they really are and how they're not as sunshine#as they present themselves and also they avoid leadership and responsibility until they grow closer with someone who pushes them#and they end stronger and more balanced as a person while finding the affection they've craved#and also there's the daddy issues#present me with that character as a romantic option and i'm in no questions asked okay i don't want the mean broody one that's meh to me#i want the one that has every reason to be broody but chooses not to be because they have a completely different defense mechanism#and a warped sense of themselves and self-esteem issues they leave unaddressed until forced to face them#i'm just saying i'm aware that i have a type i'm always going to gravitate toward clouis nearly checks all the boxes#also the lack of clouis these days? my crops are thirsty and i have too many ongoing projects to do anything about it other than this sksks#so until i make time to finish my long ass louis/clouis analysis this is the best i can provide for now
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how to live a happy and fulfilling life when everyone around you is obsessed with shame and guilt and suffering
#i DO already know how - i’m just complaining#if one more person apologizes to me unnecessarily i think i will explode in a mass of blood and viscera#like. i’m legit gonna have trauma about this it makes me so mad lmaoooo#ALSO i’m FINALLY getting the ball rolling for my mom and mom-mom re: getting a home care person to help out#and she’s like ‘whoa… maybe i could go back to work…’#and it’s like. dude. HOW did you not seriously consider this until now????#you haven’t taken a vacation in three years because you think that to love is to suffer dude!!!!!!!#get help!!!!!!!!#or a home care aide at the very least…#never thought that applied statistics would be my escapism activity but here we are…#despite how shitty my high school years were i think 2024 is probably objectively gonna go down as the worst year of my life so far#but a lot of good has happened and is happening also#and i’m much stronger now than i was then#so you know…#we move forward
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#for the past year. maybe more even. i've been seriously wandering if i have adhd#but then im like “nah just problem with focus i should be more attentive”#and now i saw a post for adhd people to help them with some of the problems and was like “😃huh. it applies to me as well”#what the heckkkkkk
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Moving Day ~
Today is what I've come to refer to as Moving Day. My time is up where I've been staying, so I had to pack up my car with all my valuables, clothes, food, and health supplies, then spend several hours in my car, until I can check in somewhere else and unpack everything. It's physically exhausting, and by the time I'm done (around 4pm) I'm gonna end up sleeping on & off until getting up for work on Monday. I really dread Moving Day, but it's my reality for now--and I'm very aware there are many people who don't even have shelter at all.
Normally, Moving Day falls on a Sunday, like today...but it's gonna fall on Wednesday (a workday) again this week, as I only have funds to stay until then (paying my motor vehicle tax has left me broke). After that, I'll be spending the night at work or in my car. So I'm posting this now in the hope of enough help to get me a few more nights before I have to do it all again. I'm left to rely on the kindness of both friends and strangers. Thank you in advance to anyone able to give a little bit of help and for signal boosting this plea!
my ko-fi: ko-fi.com/sobeautifullyobsessed
#coping with homelessness#homelessness#tw: homelessness#urgent#financial aid#financial assistance#community aid#mutual aid#ko fi link#ko-fi link#ko-fi support#ko fi support#please and thank you#honestly I hate having to do this 😔#but I don't even buy things that people normally need just so I can have shelter#seriously - I've been wearing the same sneakers for work for 5+ years#they are so worn out that's half the reason I experience so much pain at work and afterwards#and it's been 2+ years since I've bought a new bra (my size makes them expensive if I want to have actual support)#so yeah - this is my life right now and at the end of 2023 I'm losing my employer provided health insurance#last time I applied to the State I didn't qualify#relying on the kindness of friends and strangers
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how I felt being held back in class by my english teacher, thinking she was gonna yell at me for not doing my homework (like other teachers, mostly my english ones) and then she somehow validates me without meaning to and actually speaks kindly to me?? like I'm sorry what??? I've never had a teacher actually see right through me like that? like, holy shit.. I guess I'm actually gonna like english this year >,<
#karmaajr rambles#also besides thursdays#thursdays i have a different teacher#my year 7 teacher actually#i hate her#lol i hate most my english teachers#in my over a decade worth of schooling#i have likes ONE english teacher (and my english tutor but shes a uni student who tutors for money so im not sure it counts)#well now its two i suppose :“)#tbh its mostly bcuz they think im not applying myself#like im trying i swear#seriously#i am trying#i am#anyways ye ive ended most of my years in skl with my english teacher thinking im a lost hope :D#my best friend was actually surprised (and happy!) that i like our new teacher#she gave me that smile#like the “im rlly proud of you” type smile with adoring eyes and omg#istg the reason i used to crush on her was EXACTLY that#but luckily i dont anymore#anyways i gotta stop talking here#BYE YALL#love you to any moots who actually bother to read this!
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trying to get work done today is like. lets learn how to do inverse kinematics for my robot. whats the general form of the matrix again. does my mother deserve to suffer a period of me distancing myself from her. will i survive doing that. what order am i cascading these matrices in
#helpppppp im a bit numb and very lost#i want to leave really bad rn#but there are some things at my mums i need to get first#and i can't just run off without speaking to her#absolutely not doing this over the phone but i'm so exhausted from last night i can't stand another argument#don't want to cry anymore as well fjdbdjf my eyes hurt#dad's friend dug up a tree that was causing problems in the garden today#found a hibernating snake#they tried to put it somewhere safe#and i was thinking wow cool hope it survives . how do i love my mum now tho#it's like that's all there is !!! and ive got exams ripppp#seriously thinking of postponing this year and finishing it next year because idk how i'm going to handle it#when it gets any more stressful than it is right now#will at least apply for some kind of special considerations for these exams#maybe i can get my marks boosted but ive only known that to happen when family members die#but my dad could kill himself#that wasn't just an anxious irrational fear of mine#and idk i feel like that should qualify me for a bit of help#because how do i sit here and act like uni matters it DOESNT#<- is 3rd year engineering#lmao#i need someone here to say girl shut up and solve ur robots#.......... my mum? ha#i need to talk to her its new years eve i was going to stay with her tomorrow#if i don't tell her i know then she won't understand why i'm not replying but how tf do i word that message#i don't want to tell her to her face that i know#fuckkk i dont want to hurt her#i'm not even angry i'm just so sad and idk what to do to stop it
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fun fact, so big/so small is actually the only song in dear evan hansen yeah sorry no other song in it exists it's just that one
#look it gets me every time and i accidentally applied it onto my story and now I'm seriously crying#I can't even be that mad at her so far unnamed ex husband but i kind of am actually#he should've at least kept in touch for the girls' sake#fun fact Melinda believed for 8 years that her dad is coming back because she's very naively trusting#and she loves him so much she can't imagine the possibility of him just. leaving#her younger sister figured out he's not coming back sooner than she did#this is slight out of context oc lore drop sorry I'm in a mood#i know i never talk about my ocs and it might be annoying of me to drop crumbs of information without elaborating#maybe one day i will...
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god this is when me avoiding all the fucking admin shit bites me in the ass.
trying to finally sort out all this fucking bullshit with my home country (where i havent lived since before i turned 18 and have no intentions of ever permanently returning to), and of course they're stuck in the 80s or something so everything needs to be signed, stamped, officially translated, approved by three different agencies etc etc etc. and of course i live in an extremely digitalized country now so everything has digital signatures (not accepted by my home country) and i can't even /get/ everything
#herr's personal tag#ugh#fuck this shit. seriously.#i possibly owe them like tens of thousands of dollars in health insurance payments#even tho i havent lived there for years and ive been covered in my current country of residence#and it's illegal to be insured in 2 EU countries at once#and also i counted as a full-time student until about a year ago and full-time students are exempt from having to pay for insurance#and of course my mother was like#“yeah i got it all sorted”#well#turns out im so fucking stupid i cant even believe it. because of course it's fucking not#and like i know she's full of shit sometimes and i've heard her say stuff related to this that i know was incorrect#i so should have known better. but here we are#so now i gotta#1. fucking finally deregister from both the country and the insurance company so this doesn't keep getting worse#(at least this should be doable tho there might be a fine included for not doing it earlier)#2. get a bunch of documents from my high school and uni#and get those approved as equivalent to full-time studies of the appropriate level#which is gonna be fun because not all of these even exist over here and also my degree was an integrated masters#so there's no clear undergrad/grad division#3. try to retroactively apply to have my insurance payments from all these years forgiven#also 4. get proof that i've been insured over here for the past 10 years and shouldn't owe any insurance payments anyway#because being insured in two countries is impossible under EU law#and also try and get the payments forgiven that way#ughhhhhhhhh#and there's no guarantee they'll accept any of this as i'm doing it all retroactively#and i don't know what my mom has/hasn't done in relation to this as she's definitely faked some power of attorneys etc in the past#and she will 100% lie about this#srsly fuck all this shit. i'm also moving to yet another country in 2 weeks. it's gonna be sooo much fun
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"if i finish this i will watch a horror movie" thing kinda backfired it's 9pm lmao
#will i still do it. yes. probably.#it would probably be more fun in the night too so yeah#but god fucking damn it can i please just finish this thing#i cant even be properly mad at myself because ive been Actually Working in these last days lol#at last!!!#it feels like i can actually finish the whole thing next week :')#i started this at the beginning of September goddddddddd 😭😭#if i took it more seriously from the start it would've been done by now lol#but i guess at least im making progress#i am kinda getting nervous thinking abt deadlines and actually applying even tho i still have like a month for one school#and 2+ months for others lol#there's one in italy that's earlier than that but not sure if i wanna go for that one tbh so........ idk#but since it's wayy cheaper and i dont have many cheap options and i fear the same thing (aka not being able to go bc#of money) will happen again this year lol#so yeah just. not sure in general.#if i think too much about any of this i start to question everything anyway lmao so i shouldnt <3#i gotta visit my old uni to talk abt some letters too which i Know for a fact they would write#but it's so nerve wracking to think about butttt i gotta do it this week/early next week so.....#(this week means actually the next week in this case i guess lmao since it's friday rn)#bc they said 2 weeks notice sooooo im guessing that would be okay but u knowwwwwww ugh#okay. my goal is to just do this thing today#then finish the whole project tomorrow#then do the other readjustments for the other projects in a few days hopefully#then go to school#yeah. doable. perfectly doable#i gotta arrange the (redacted) and (redacted) meetings too lol buttttt yeah#🗒#wow i didnt intend to write this much tbh anyway
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happy new year you don't understand i want AN ASSIGNMENT
i want something to make me happily miserable, or miserably happy, and have no boundaries as to how many hours a week i devote to it
i need A PHD SUBJECT🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️
#checked out the lecturers who teach this new cohort i'm lecturing soon and this one guy's phd got me so jealous fjskaks#THIS IS THE YEAR I APPLY SERIOUSLY NOW !!!!!#i just get so many subject ideas it's so difficult#i have too many different degrees that i can't honour all at once easilt#also if i had assignments again i could procrastinate through fanfictiob#👀#belli rambles
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The pflp telling a bunch of online leftists to boycott voting for their own rights and therefore the right to help them because one of the candidates didn't say free Palestine 9 times instead of just 8 will always piss me off and make me petty.
How dare you tell us to intentionally sink our own election and thus our right to vocally support Palestine without becoming political prisoners and sink our own human rights for a boycott that did nothing but get a literal fucking fascist in power.
Fuck you actually. I can't pull you out of the water from my own sinking ship and now we both get to drown. I'm not holding your hand while we do it though.
#levi speaks#im still staunchly pro Palestine obviously but that just pisses me tf off#btw the whole think about it not being our lesson to learn applies to them specifically too#boycotts are helpful but exclusively when used correctly#now you get to die under constantly bombardments while i get to die under state sanctioned violence#thanks btw love that i get to continue being a life under genocide like the last 300 years of my family's existence#love that for us natives#this is venty dont take it too seriously#but like fuck you actually? you helped him get elected now we get to die together! except i wont hold your hand while it happens#the fact they specifically aimed it at black organizations? once aimed to help black men?#black men who helped trump win? im sure there was no alterior motive nooo#all that election taught me was protect me and my own individualism is my new favorite word#i tried to help all yall colonizers even if ur not equal under the colonial system but this shows me exactly what i already knew#all colonizers are the same and all of them dont care about even their own rights so why should i anymore?#im just gonna focus on my issues now and those that affect my family#good luck everyone else im tired of trying to help#god fuck the moc who threw us all under a bus cause they hate a black woman telling them what to do#fuck all cis men#permanently cast out of my friend groups#no cis men will ever be accepted in my home or my life with my approval im tired of yall and your bullshit#dosent matter if your a moc dosent matter if your also disabeld#dosent matter if your gay or bi or feminine or any of it#fuck all yall#ur done
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christ. this is the thing that just. yeah.
#this day reminds me of applying to pip applications and being like ‘hey I’m functioning but I’m almost at my limit! I won’t be soon!’ and#they say well you’re functioning now so you don’t need help. but less about the physical stuff today.#I’m going to be so late for work. again.#havent really been late for like a year apart from due to bad transport and now twice in a week and on a super important day…#I really need to call my manager and figure out what to do but I just do not care right now and do not want to.#like the temptation right now is seriously to just not turn up ever again. I’ve really just. had enough today.
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god i wish i had used a consistent tagging system on my blog from the get-go it'd be so nice to actually be able to track certain tags back thru the years but alas past-me did not have the foresight or the organisational abilities :(((
#i only started tagging seriously when i got into marauders#mostly out of respect for my spn mutuals so they could block the tag#but now i find it super useful to be able to look thru tags on my own blog but that only applies to posts from the last 2-ish years#and it sure would be nice to go back and look at some older haikyuu posts but#nothing in the world could make wading thru my blog archives circa 2015 worth it#i don wanna get jump scared again with the HIGHLY SUSPECT doujins i was rb at that time that took me out for a while the last time i looked#personal
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Doing this because it makes me happy •Ꮂ•. Im making it difficult on all of you though.
1 note- I'll go drink water
10 notes - I'll set alarms to actually care for myself
50 notes - set up a daily productivity system so I stop wasting my time doing nothing.
100 notes - ask my friends to help me buy a skirt
500 notes - get a bra & a whole bunch of other affirming clothing !!!
1k - tell my dad that my gf is also trans
2.5k - ask my dad to address me by my prefferred name & pronouns 1k went pretty poorly, so I dont feel super comfortable making an attempt on this.
5k - try to get therapy/psychologist
10k - girl mode at all times (start actively wearing makeup/clothing/doing voice training around people at all times)
50k - try for HRT (0% chance) (also no guarantee on this one)
Asfgg. It feels surprisingly good to have a bunch of strangers who want me to be happy
I have now set up alarms for eating, waking up, and hygene related stuff. I seriously doubt we get to 500, but this has made me significantly happier •Ꮂ•
Doing some math... 25 notes in 4 hours. 6.25 notes per hour. 8000 hours or 333 days until this hits 50k. Hrt in a year ig.
Um. Wow. Its been a day, and we're almost at 300. Everything 500 & below was supposed to be things I'd do with minimal intervention. But now, we're getting to the scarier stuff. I am very intimidated, but also excited
My gf really badly wanted to be here when I buy some of the clothing, so the skirt will be this week, the rest of the clothing will be when she comes back from vacation
Saying that you're force femming me is so not allowed. This is unfair. You have no right to make me feel the ways Im feelingggg. Stop making me happy.
Welp. I told him about my girlfriend. And things went about as poorly as expected. He said that Im parroting what other people think. Slowly taking little parts of them, and applying them to myself. Specifically, being trans. He didnt even leave it to maybes. He said with certainty that I was copying everyone else. I know 9 trans people total. Only 2 of them are my close friends. Everyone else, Im barely aquaintences with. I should have told him that regardless of whatever theories he has, this has boosted my confidence massively. Slightly less excited for 2.5k notes. At least everything after that is very positive. And at least this lets me talk about my girlfriend for ages. I dont have to say her deadname through gritted teeth. Oh context. He already knows Im trans but was ignoring it.
I GOT A SKIRT!!!!!
Thank all of you so much. At first when I got the skirt, I was pretty intimidated by the idea of showing my legs. I thought everyone will just see me as a man. But there's a degree of confidence you all have given me. Yeah. Im pretty. Yeah, Im beautiful even. Yeah. Its a friggin fantastic skirt. And anyone who thinks otherwise is dumb. Im happy, and thats what matters.
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I really have no patience for posts talking about "adults who only watch kids' cartoons," because, like...people accuse me of "only watching kids' cartoons," despite all evidence to the contrary. It doesn't matter how much I talk about other adult media I like, if I post too many things in a row about Steven Universe or The Dragon Prince or The Owl House, people come out of the goddamn woodwork to accuse me of "only watching kids' shows."
So I really can't take people seriously when they start talking about the supposed "problem" of "adults who only watch kids' shows." Are the "adults who only watch kids' cartoons" in the room with us right now, or are you basing your entire opinion of people solely on their fandom blog? Like, come on.
It makes me think of the couple years I spent volunteering in a school library. The librarian talked a lot about how it's hurtful to enforce "reading at grade-level" on every student with no nuance. Teachers would try to force their students to check out books "at proper grade-level," instead of letting students pick out whatever they wanted (even if it was "too easy"), and it resulted in a lot of students deciding books were boring, too hard, and only good for making them feel stupid. They started to hate reading entirely, because people constantly shut them down and told them they were stupid for not reading the right things. This was especially brutal on disabled students.
I personally apply the same philosophy to adults. You don't know what someone might struggle with, you don't know what someone's history is. You might think a piece of media is "too simple," but that's your experience and your opinion. People learn and grow and experience the world at different paces, and what seems to you like a "simplistic" piece of media may be the most complex, illuminating piece of media someone else has ever had the opportunity to experience. It doesn't make them "stupid" or "childish," and believing that it does is cruel and counterproductive. You cannot wield shame as a fucking cudgel if your goal is education, support, and helping people expand their horizons.
I don't think a culture of shame is helpful. I don't think a culture of "if you like 'childish' things, it means you're too stupid for anything else" is helpful. I don't think constantly making fun of children's media does anything other than demean people--and not just the people who enjoy it, but the people who make it, too.
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