#THEY DESERVE A DAUGHTER WTF WHATS GONNA HAPPEN TO THEM AFTER SHES GONE

[youaremysunshine-court]

Brb writing a fix it fic

[dreamerforever-d]

Well.. I am just gonna rant here right now.. ignore me. Or not.

I just watched “Happiest Season”, because after Agatha all Along I am obsessed with Aubrey Plaza, and yeah, I know, it took me soooo long and wtf is wrong with me, right?

Anyways, I’ve watched it.. and I didn’t like how it ended?

I mean, maybe if I wasn’t so biased by Aubrey’s perfection, I would’ve gone along with it, but… I mean, Riley (Aubrey’s character), was SUCH a better company and better match to Kristen Stewart’s character!!! I mean, she was out already, and she was so open and such a fun person to be around, it seemed…

They went out to drinks, and she took Kristen’s character to a bar where drag queen’s were singing Christmas songs. (Jinx Monsoon was one of them and I LOVE her, so it made me so happy).

Since they first laid eyes on each other, the chemistry was screaming, at least to me. The looks they’ve shared.. how both characters were so easy going and really just themselves around each other.. *sigh* During the entire movie, the only times I’ve felt that Kristen’s character was not uncomfortable, was when she was with Riley.

Anyway, at the same time I understand that the girl had a very problematic family… and when I say very, I mean very! ( I was so fucking mad about the way they treated the ‘least favorite daughter/sister’, she was the sweetest one of them all and deserved better!)

But in my eyes, even when she was not with her family, she was just a different person from the beginning of the movie. She seemed extremely shallow to me.. and the fact that she stayed until 2 am with her ex boyfriend, that she KNEW her girlfriend didn’t like, I think that was also a dick move, even if nothing happened.. it was still so weird to me.

But anyway, it is what it is..

BUT since I’ve always been a fanfic writer, always had a BIG imagination for fictioning things and a hopeless lesbian, I hoped that the one who was in the red car in the end was Aubrey.

Spoiler alert: it was not.

Anyways, disappointed… but it is worth to watch because Aubrey is amazing (and super hot) in it.

That’s it, thank you for coming to my ted talk. Sorry for the rant. And have a good night.

[officersnickers]

I think a lot about Isabella post season 2, since she lives, is able to live in the human world, opens her heart again and seems to keep a good relationship with some of the kids she raised (the little girl who sings near of her is Jessica, right?). When she plays the instrument she seems so happy and relaxed. And then she has apparently find love? she has a new baby? I wonder how his her relation with Ray in this situation?! Does it get better with time?

Hello anon!

I’m going to answer your takes/ questions one after each other, because oh boi, I sure have thoughts about this, too! ^^‘

First of, letting Isabella live is kinda the only redeeming quality of Season 2, let’s be honest. The whole slideshow as well as everything that has happened after Episode 2 was a shitshow, but this made me genuinely happy. Isabella did deserve to live and do everything she can to atone for her sins and wrongdoings, even if one life wouldn’t even be enough for this :/

Anyway, in the first paragraph you’re surely talking about this picture:

Isn’t it lovely? Isabella and some of her younger daughters (why not sons, though?), namely from left to right Yvette, Jemima and Alicia. I must say I really dig Isabella’s style here, the comfy clothes and her hair not being in a tight knot anymore, as well as her singing freely and playing the guitar. The memory of Leslie sitting under the same tree Ray tends to read under years later, with his mandolin hitting hard here, isn’t it?

It looks just like a normal scene for bystanders (bywalkers? eh doesn’t matter), and I guess it’s not too fair away from moments Isabella shared with her children beforehand, and still, everything is different now. Finally they are free, they can choose what to wear, how long to sit without worrying about tests or shipments, being able to go wherever they want afterwards. Surely, it reminds Alicia, Jemima and Yvette of her old, seemingly normal life in the orphanage, but for Isabella, everything’s different now, and I’d guess she too is different now. See, the thing is, Isabella wasn’t cruel or gruesome per se. Her circumstances were and she acted the same way, because there were no other left for her. Like an animal pushed into a corner, she resolved to violence and distrust, but now the corner’s gone, she can let go of the character she herself surely never wanted to be.

Others could word this so much better than I do, I’m sure ^^‘

„And then she has apparently find love? she has a new baby? I wonder how his her relation with Ray in this situation?! Does it get better with time?“

Ah, this scene…

I gonna be real honest with you here, anon, I really got no clue about this scene. I did scream the first time seeing it, because WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WENT ON HERE?!?!? You tell me Isabella apparently just shrugged after arriving in the human world and did, well, the guy, resulting in a partnership and another baby?!? All while the memory of Leslie did never left her, coming back and haunting her through her son humming the same song her childhood sweetheart did? All while Ray still fights for his life in the demon world?WTF?!?!

On the other hand, we don’t even know if this is really Isabella (I don’t know who else it would be, but eh). The hair color is kinda off, since the anime did darken her hair – though on other instances, it looks some sort of brown and not black – and we can’t see her number at all, although it should be able from this angle. But these are minor gripes I got here, not worth mentioning.

Now let us assume this is really Isabella for one second. I won’t say every single Mama and/or Sister is too scarred to ever pursue or even find love. No, I think a lot of them actively would want to find a partner, to let go of her past, but then, it would be hard. Like, almost impossible hard to achieve. They literally come from another world, did see their family and friends be eaten by flesh-devouring demons for almost their entire life. No way their past wouldn’t affect them, no matter how good they are at hiding their feelings. Just like Isabella, right?

Let us go on. Let us assume maybe Isabella did meet and date a guy who maybe was nice? Was charming? Was letting her forget how bloody her hands are and that her children (yes, I’m counting Emma and Norman in, don’t mind me) are still on a journey with no clear path and no sure return. I’d rather think Isabella would want to wait for them to come back once again, to be sure they are truly safe, before going on with her own life. But alas, life doesn’t care about plans, and things come to another and there it is – another child. I’m… really not the greatest fan of this. Mainly because it came so sudden in the anime, without any further explanation, without anything for us fans to work with here. Who is the father? Is this really Isabella? When does this take place? It’s all so confusing, just like 80% of Season 2, sadly :(

What really irks me here is Isabella’s expression. Does this look like a mother who is incredible happy to get a second change, to hold a baby again after her first one was taken away before she could even lay an eye on them? Nah, not really. This on the other hand could open a door to such a great character development, for Isabella herself, but also Ray.

Don’t mind if I do babble now a bit about this one story I’m writing about. It’s not entirely focused on Ray or Isabella, but they get their fair share of screen time, and yes, in this story, Isabella has another baby. Now before you scream „BUT SNICKERS, YOU COMPLAINED THE WHOLE ASK NOW ABOUT THIS! WHY ARE WRITING IT TOO?!“ I have to tell you, I’ve got the idea way before Season 2 was aired XD Thank you for ruining my own fantasy…

Back on the tracks, in my story, everything plays out the same as in the manga though, without Isabella dying (because fuck this, all my homies wanted Isabella to survive!), and them going into the human world together. And guess who’s also in the human world? Right.

This motherfucker (literally hjshdfkjfgdjh)

Long story short, OF COURSE Isabella and Leslie do meet again, and OF COURSE this results in Ray becoming a big brother over time. But as you may know me, I’m always a sucker for drama, so no one’s really thrilled about the baby (okay, Leslie is, but that’s not the point), least of all Isabella. Trauma is a bitch, and you can’t convince me giving birth to Ray without her consent wasn’t trauma for Isabella. Her being in this situation once again, even under very different circumstances, is nothing you should add as little extra in a shitty slideshow or just for the Awws and Ohhs, but could work as a lever for a lot of character development, catching up on past experiences or what defines to be a mother and getting a second chance when so many of her children didn’t. Then there’s also Ray, with the feeling of being replaced or better, Isabella fearing Ray feeling replaces, coming to terms with his mother having a life of her own now too, and Leslie being some sort of father, when his real fathers, Yuugo and Lucas, are probably still lying under the debris of the home they once shared and that they destroyed to save their children's life. Ray’s life he now has to live without them but a mother who wants to reconcile, a man who’s song ultimately did save him, and the little child that is now part of his family, without ever being exposed to the same horrors they were.

How should all this mess work out? How could three traumatized (semi-)adults care for a human being living the peaceful life they fought so hard for? Ignoring and facing their demons once again, hurting each other while also trying to heal? Just all of them being alive, just staying alive, and nothing more?

I won’t tell too much, because this is already getting too long, but I hope you see why I’m not entirely against Isabella having another baby, but then at least with someone we know (or get to know) and enough time for us readers/ watchers to see how this would play out – or not, worst case.

I hope I answered some of your questions and did entertain you a bit ^^

[thebiggestmenace]

don't know at what cost though

I am worried

so is everyone stuck here now?

you are not good, Sam

so his grace doesn't regenerate?

"I thought you two were joined at the, everything" you know. you are so right

oh, it's Nick??? how is he alive? I thought he was dead

Jack, don't be so hard on yourself :(

Kelly's parents!!! he's named after her dad :(

how do we know if Dean's telling the truth?

THE HANDPRINT IS GONE?????

she just threw Dean on top of Sam 🤭

oh, Claire had a crush on Kaia :(((

this isn't just a cold, is it *

* no. no, it is not

PLEASE tell me they do celebrate Halloween in the GOOFIEST way possible

wait, this Bobby had a kid?

Michael's still in Dean, isn't he? somehow

they're together now? and they're taking a break :((( Bobby deserved a break

never change, Jack, never change

and he's in the hospital now

he's wearing Cas' trench coat :((((((

1, what is going on with Dean?? and 2, technically speaking, would he not have some grace left from Michael? could they extract that?

Jack, you're scaring me, please tell me they don't kill you

yeah, Cas, you fucking tell him.

he is not bringing Lucifer back wtaf

he's gone? just like that?

he really was their kid :(((

he's in heaven :((((

tf is that???

the shit from the Empty????

wait, Cas goes to the Empty to save Jack??

GARTH??????

and he has a daughter??

Sam, you're supposed to wait

he's so silly

knew Michael wasn't fully out.

this is just a dream, right? this isn't heaven or anything, right?

Jack!!! you have powers again!!

I remember this???? I remember Dean throwing Michael into a closet in his mind??? we never made it this far???

oh, it's a bad thing, nevermind >:( but now Jack gets the disappointed dad™️ talk

Dean, you are concerning me, what are you doing?

wait, I remember the box thing, too?? don't know how it ends, but I remember it and I hate it

omg clowns!!! Sam, you love clowns!!

JOHN??????

oh and they fucked with time!! and everything's weird now!

Jack used his powers one time! one! and you mean to tell me he's getting bad again?

jk it's at least twice now

Michael is in Rowena????

Jack can just do that? amazing

yk I love that Cas and Dean are talking about Jack and Sam like they're their children and they're married

"if we cannot remain civil, then you can skedaddle" IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE OH MY GOD THIS IS SO FUN

doesn't Jack hurt Elliot?

no, it's Stacy :((((

the samulet has a pair?! and that one supposedly talks to God?? idk the poeticism of that,,,,,,,,

of course they're trying to bring Lucifer back

yk I was so sure nothing bad would happen in this finale because of Dean and Cas, but I completely forgot to think about Sam and Jack

that was, uh, that was a lot

Jack, what did you do?

wait, did you kill Mary??

and now he's having hallucinations? I am so confused, what is going on

he smote her??? I know it was an accident, but still

Dean. this isn't Cas' fault

I thought the gates to Heaven were closed?

oh, Jack's gonna make more angels?

is the box even gonna work??

yeah, didn't think so

Chuck's back!! and he better help smdh

they're all confused puppies

but one of them has to die?

"I've already lost too much" Sammy :(((( it doesn't even get better :(((((

come on, Chuck

Sam......

what is this????

so everything they've killed,, they're all back? but tenfold because it's souls from Hell?

is this all of the souls??????

are they zombies?

so we have finished 14 now,,,,,, I am so confused. what was that??? they're acting like zombies, but are they just ghosts?? and is it all the souls?? cause with the amount, it sure seems it. so much has happened this season wtf and now onto avoiding 15 :')))

s1, s2, s3, s4, s5, s6, s7, s8, s9, s10, s11, s12, s13, s14, s15

[niieonlogs]

HOTD recaps

From my old blog

Episode 5

HOTD Ep 5 was insane.

Rhaenyra proposing Laenor a open marriage. This could have gone so well if sir Crispen did not fuck it up so bad.

Joffrey’s really do not do well at weedings.

The Velaryon and Alicent were dripped out.

I hate/love Daemon so much, The way he killed Reha Royce was so cruel and then the entrance at feast was so good.

criston cole really thought Rhaenyra would leave everything behind for him lmao, be fr.

Lyonel giving Harwin a nod and Harwin just going through the crowd like nothing was awesome. 

Larys starting shit up and Alicent recruiting the rats... Ooh it’s gonna get dirty. 

Episode 6

After HOTD Ep 6 I am officially a Alicent hater, I cannot take it anymore. Everytime she open her mouth I want to scream.

I pray for nothing but bad things to happen to Criston cole. I need him dead like right now. It's been years wtf is this mf still so bitter. Ew

Larys strong had my man Harwin killed and for what?! Alicent and here snakes are so annoying.

Viserys is a great father, he loves his daughter and will listen to no one, I love it

It was nice to see Daemon being concerned for Laena.

Rhaenyra telling Laenor to bring his boyfriend with them, my queen fr.

Laena and Harwin deserve so much better.

Episode 7

Rhaenyra and Laenor have such a amazing friendship, I knew she wouldn't kill off her bestie.

Lenor deserves to live out his best gay life and I so happy for him. Made me even more on the side of Team Black.

Daemon and Rhaenyra together kinda gross me out but happy to see their kids sticking up for each other.

Sad to see Otto back, is there really no one else in the entire relm that could become the hand?!??!

Rhaena should have gotten Vhagar, that's her mother's dragon and legacy.

As annoyed as Aemond taking Vhagar makes me that scean was badass af.

[wormstacheangel]

What are the best episodes with Castiel to watch?

Hello! Sorry, this took me a while to answer but here you go! If I miss some it’s cause I don’t remember anything or I was just Bleh about it.

Castiel Epiosdes

4x01 ICONIC 

4x16 ICONIC

4x20 Jimmy is important to Cas and I love him. 

4x22 ICONIC Greenroom. Cas picks a side aka Dean.

5x03 Cas and Dean being friends! Gay panic is real my friends. 

5x04 THE END. “It's the end, baby. “

5x13 “Sam is my friend.” 

5x14 Cupid (He made a cameo video it was cute) and Cas eating raw meat off the floor.

5x16 “You son of a bitch! I believed in-” OWW

5x17 Drunk Cas.

5x18 At this point he’s just done with everything. So he just carves, YES CARVES, an angel banishing sigil into his own chest. He does not hesitate.

Season 6 is good for Cas because the whole time he’s apart of a civil war and is just a terrible liar.

6x06 I am trying not to make this list about Destiel but the scene where Cas pours Dean’s drink. 

6x10 Pizza Man.

6x19 Baby in a trenchcoat aka leader of the heaven rebellion but sure Dean. He’s just cute. 

6x20 ICONIC 

6x21& 22 Both show that Cas is slowly realizing that he is not in control. 

7x01 The whole episode is wild but Cas just going to heaven and saying I’m Daddy now really takes the cake. (not the actual words he used.)

7x02 Cas’s death #3?

7x17 MISHA -- OH um, I mean CAS to the rescue lol

7x21 His cute little laugh! Honey!Cas has my heart and soul. Bonus Destiel: “ When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost!” RIP Hester Queen

7x23 “Cursed or not.” Also his little smile when he asks for the plan ahh!

aka all episodes in s7 with Cas in it is worth watching.

Okay, I’ll try to control myself now but watch all of s8 cause its beautiful.

8x02 We see Dean’s POV to the purgatory portal scene. Also, hear Cas’s reason for leaving Dean.

8x07 We see Cas’s POV of the purgatory pov scene. Also, learn how Cas escapes purgatory. 

8x08 “I’m gonna be a hunter.” He’s so CUTE!

8x10 Cas needs a hug. Please.

8x17 ICONIC. “what broke the connection?” AHH

8x21 Badass Castiel

8x22 & 23 Castiel wants to do good. He wants to help but he just puts his trust in the wrong people. It hurts me so much. Look he’s just a small child and he is dealing with a lot right now. 

Season 9 Cas looks good. Like fanservice time father of two!

9x01 First look at human Cas!

9x03 I can’t watch this ending again. It’ll make me spiral. But it’s a good human Cas and destiel episode. Also, fuck April. She gross. 

9x06 ICONIC BLESSED jilted lover. 

9x09 He looks good.

9x10 “I prefer the word trusting. Less dumb. Less ass.” They are both dumbasses.

9x11 Sam & Cas chaotic vibes

9x14 Cas storyline with the angels starts or at least makes it more clear idk

9x18 Gabriel! Also, “Damn it, Dean!” and Cas accepts his role as a leader. The angels are dumb. 

9x22 Sam & Cas dream team lol Also, Cas picks Dean over heaven again.

9x23  “--and for what again? Oh, that's right -- to save Dean Winchester. That was your goal, right? I mean, you draped yourself in the flag of heaven, but ultimately, it was all about saving one human, right? Well, guess what. He's dead, too.”

10x01 Cas draped across the bed like a victorian lady waiting for her husband to come back from the war

10x03 You know that scene where he’s lying on the floor bloody and dying and the Crowley saves him. And then Cas glows and heals with grace and he’s glaring up at Crowley? You know that scene. Yeah. Bonus: I’m gay and bloody Hannah is also hot. Small tip: Ignore the creepy/gross Hannah and Cas set up the writers are trying to do. They are siblings. 

10x09 Claire! That’s his daughter!

10x10 Claire and Cas make me cry.

10x14 Deleted scene of “Maybe he’s your boyfriend.” 

10x17 Sam & Cas! They are best friends, you guys!

10x18 Charlie and Cas meet! AND THEY ARE ALL HAPPY AND I CRY

10x20 Claire! Cas get��s her a birthday present, grumpy cat stuffy, and she keeps it! And I cry. And she saves him. And she cares about him. 

okay 10x21 cause of Charlie and Cas but also fuck this episode. Charlie deserved better. 

10x22 ICONIC gosh damn it. I-

10x23 Just for backstory for Cas in s11. Our poor boy can't catch a break. 

I worked on this for two hours now Nonny and I don’t even care. I miss Cas.

Season 11 hurts my damn soul because of Cas. I won’t include Casifer, though it was A LOT of fun to watch him.

11x01 “Dean, did it work?” I wanna hold this poor sad madly in love man. 

11x02 I can’t handle the torture. He looks so sad.

11x03 Bless you director, Jensen Ross Ackles.

11x04 Okay, not a lot of Cas but I love this episode. 

11x06 They don’t talk about his trauma but they show us a little when he tries to leave the bunker. And I cried. Once again. Let. Me. Hold. Him. 

11x10 Ambriel glad you are dead cause you were SO rude. Also, Amara girly, queen, I love you but apologize. Stop being mean to Castiel.

11x22 Cas get’s to talk and that’s nice

11x23 “I can go with you.” Sir, you just came back from being possessed by THEE satan and now you are ready to die by your future husband's side. You need therapy. 

Okay, I stopped watching live after season 11 because of the way they treated Cas so these next seasons I binged watched ( a couple of times) but wasn’t apart of the fandom so it feels like I didn’t fully grasp them. But here we go!

12x01 Cas meets his mother-in-law. Also the little, “Dean!” when he hugs him. 

12x02 Cas and Mick :)

12x03 Agent Beyonce and Zee lol Cas and Crowley and should have had a sitcom 

12x08 Cas gets a text (angel radio) that he’s gonna be a Dad and it looks like when Alice had a vision of the Volturi in Breaking Dawn Part 2 lol

12x09 Let me hug Cas! He’s sad over his family being gone. Also, Mary, I love you but I don’t forgive anybody for being mean to Cas. All the Winchesters are on thin fucking ice with me. 

12x10 ICONIC destiel. Cas in a female vessel. 

12x12 ICONIC “I love you. I love all of you.” 

12x19 Worried husband Dean. Excited soon-to-be father Cas.

12x23 Cas dies (again) from child birth.

Watch the first few episodes of season 13 for the famous widower arc cause wtf they gave us THAT. Also, I don’t care for the other world storyline so I pushed that out of my head. 

13x04 Cas annoying a cosmic entity. Fun fact! I dislike the trenchcoat cause it looked so stiff and the color was off idk didn’t look great but Cas looked beautiful when he looks up at the sun! Ah!

13x05 IT’S NOT TOO LATE TO START ALL OVER AGAIN

13x06 ICONIC BROKEBACKNATURAL Also, Jack and Cas meet and I cried damn it. “I missed you.” That’s his son!

13x07 Cas doesn’t put anybody or anything above his baby boy

13x12 Cas has the dumbest husband but at least Cas stabs lucifer. Bet Misha felt good

13x14 Badass Cas. He’s a top. lol 

13x16 ICONIC Cas looks...great. Like, watch it. I would do anything for cartoon!cas

13x19Just cause Cas faced someone who tortured him and it’s made to seem like he should get over it and it pisses me off. But Naomi is so cool so idk I like her but would fight her

13x22 Otherworld Cas is there and Cas just kills himself. He needs therapy. 

13x23 Cas’s face when Dean says yes. Also, family hunting trip yay

14x01 Dadstiel! Also, Cas looks good. 

14x03 Dadstiel.

14x07 Dadstiel. “Losing a son feels different.” And I cry. 

14x08 “because I love you Jack. And Sam and Dean--they love you.” THEY DO LOVE HIM AHHHH! Also, Empty deal is made as an excuse for the writers to do something with Cas later. 

I just realized season 14 is just Cas trying desperately to keep his family together. He’s trying to take care of them and he has the right words to say to everyone but not much happens besides him wanting to be a family man. 

14x14 gay on gay violence lol Also another family hunting trip! 

14x15 Fav episode! I just love Sam & Cas’s dumb chaotic energy in this ahaha! They are best friends damn it!

14x18 Cas is trying desperately to keep his family together and he feels responsible for Mary

14x19 Cas should have been allowed to kick Sam and Dean’s dumb flat asses for locking his baby boy in a box. 

14x20 AHHH

Divorce arc! All of s15 is great! Except you know...19&20 but we ignore that in this house. 

15x03 ICONIC but I will never watch it again

15x06 dude, they really be broken up. Cas kicks ass by himself and he’s fishing and he’s so cute. 

15x09 ICONIC Let him talk, Castiel!

15x11 Cas is THEE best Dad and let’s Jack eat hearts

15x13 Just for the family.

15x15 :(

15x17 Cas working to keep his baby boy

15x18 :( I mean at least he’s out but :(

Okay, this took me all day and I had fun! Nobody is gonna read it but who cares cause I just spent my day thinking of Cas when I had a pretty shit day so thanks, Nonnie! 

[pla-teau]

WANDAVISION SERIES FINALE THOUGHTS

WHOEVER’S CUTTING ONIONS NEEDS TO S T O P.

hayward | i was one of the many few who really wished death on the man cause he’s just the worst. this man emptied his clip at two children. i’m glad jimmy was able to pull a fast one on this dick and that darcy hit him with the ice cream truck and very happy to see the man being taken away in cuffs.

vision vs. vision | while i would’ve enjoyed seeing them fight it out until one completely lost, it wouldn’t be vision without some philosophic conversation. it’s true vision fashion. he doesn’t fight unless it’s a last resort. he’s logical and can assess other means in which to deter a foe. truly enjoyed the scene and now i’m just curious as to where tf white vision yeeted off to after regaining the memories from hex!vision? some have speculated possibly wakanda since that is the place where he died. twice. i would love to see him possibly interact with shuri since she would’ve appeared in the memory montage that hex!vision provided him with alongside other events from infinity war.

agatha (aka not mephisto) | overall, i loved agatha as a character and i’m glad she wasn’t killed off by the end of the series. i know she was more villainous in the show but i’m glad they somewhat neutralized her even if it was by cruel punishment brought upon by wanda to keep her trapped in westview as a nosy neighbor. it keeps the door open for us to see more interactions between her and wanda. i’m also glad that she was the foe wanda had to go against. i know many (like myself) speculated mephisto would appear and be revealed but i’m happy i was wrong about that. this is the first entry into phase four and to spill out a big bad right away? probably not the best move. i know ant-man 3 is planning on introducing kang the conqueror so i wouldn’t be shocked if mephisto is used as a red herring to distract us from the actual big bad of the phase, kang the conqueror (while still keeping mephisto around obviously for future battles and possibly use him as a big bad down the road).

family is forever | i was sobbing when seeing the hex start shrinking down in the distance outside the boys’ window. i love that wanda and vision made the move to put them to bed as a way of saying goodbye so they wouldn’t have to see them disappear. i hope to see these same boys come back cause i think no matter what your theory was on them, viewers fell in love with them. if planning for young avengers, i cannot wait to see them be a part of it. given that these boys weren’t real and not actually wanda’s children, i think they’ll go the route that they’ll find each other even if not as a blood related family but reincarnations that know that wanda was their mother in one instance and see her as a mother figure (alongside their actual mothers, of course). i just love them and i really wish they stuck around but i know this won’t be the last time we see them!

wanda’s outfit | i love it and i think pays homage to her comic book costume while still fitting the aesthetic of wanda and the mcu. love the attention to detail and the pattern on her headpiece. someone on here also pointed out in a post how it resembles magneto’s suit and it makes me love it more because of that. in conclusion, this is the scarlet witch and she’s hot.

wanda and vision’s farewell | if i was sobbing at billy and tommy’s fate, i was wailing by the time these two started saying goodbye. we learn that the main reason vision was able to be created the way he was by wanda was because of the mind stone. while she is the scarlet witch, she was exposed to and enhanced by the mind stone that ended up becoming vision. like she said, it’s a part of her. he lives on in her and overall, this scene just cemented that these two are meant to be together. they are going to be that power couple in the mcu moving forward, together or apart. we know these two are meant for each other and have so much love for each other and will find their way back always. while they may change, the one thing you can bet your ass on is that they fucking love each other.

ralph bohner | the twist that no one saw coming - peter is ralph. it’s clear that he was being controlled by agatha because the moment monica took off the necklace, he woke up from her spell. a lot of people are swirling around to say that he’s probably woo’s missing person. we don’t know that and it’s something that’s left unconfirmed. while i would’ve enjoyed the reveal to be peter actually being peter from the x-men universe, i’m also happy he isn’t. yes there was a lot of fanfare and hope for this series to introduce the multiverse but in retrospect, it would’ve been too much to throw at us at the beginning of phase four. throwing in the multiverse right away would’ve taken away from the series being about wanda (separate point i’ll get to at the end). do hope to see evan peters in a future mcu project, though!

wanda’s story moving forward | i hope wanda becomes a sort of anti-hero for the future. this does set up her appearance in doctor strange 2 and i can’t wait to see what she does. while agatha said she’s destined to destroy the world and her power exceeds the sorcerer supreme’s, i hope the writers don’t make wanda into this villain that loses her logic because of extreme power. wanda has proven agatha wrong already by acknowledging the error in her ways. when she realized she was hurting the people of westview, she let them go and stopped hurting them. she learned that yes, she is hurting them without knowing so what she has to do is let them go. wanda has learned throughout her years with the avengers the consequences her powers can have on people. we know she’s never been trained by a witch and yes, that makes her dangerous with her chaos magic. the second post credit scene shows us that she’s determined to teach herself even if it’s through the darkhold. in seeing what she’s done and the power she holds, i think wanda will be this gray moral character. she holds a great deal of power, the most powerful being on the planet at the moment, and that can cloud her judgement at times. despite being an avenger, this show has really shown us that wanda is alone. while she was with the avengers, what have they really done? they kept her in check and helped her utilize her powers for good but then when civil war happened, she was detained and treated like a weapon of mass destruction. the avengers are clearly nonexistent and those that are around, haven’t bothered with her. i also hope that this new phase of marvel kinda tears down the original avengers and their actions because while intentions were good, not everything or everyone was perfect and there’s consequences. and i hope those consequences are shown through the main characters of this phase like wanda.

the complaints | while i loved this show so so much, i did have some issues. while i enjoyed that this show fleshed out more of wanda’s past, i’m sad that they didn’t confirm or at least try to make wanda jewish since they completely erased her romani roots from the comics. this goes back to my whole thing with representation which i’ve mentioned before in response to an article. while i love elizabeth olsen’s portrayal and care she has for wanda, a romani actress still should’ve been cast from the beginning. the least they could’ve done was at least make her jewish even if ever so subtly because that is the other half of wanda’s identity, even if it’s been retconned often. if they are never going to confirm her as magneto’s daughter in the mcu, at least honor that aspect of her identity if you’ve erased one major one already. representation matters and i wish they tried to do right by the character since they clearly paid close attention to other aspects of her comic book history and took a deep dive into her mental health. come at me for these thoughts but i’ll stand by them. another is just directed at the press for the show (i’m looking at you paul bettany). while fans went ham on the theories and marvel will do anything to misdirect you, i think there should’ve been a clear up from marvel about bettany’s claims of a big cameo coming in the series when it was about himself. i get you don’t want to spoil the show and the big surprises it may hold for the audience but still. i think there should’ve been someone behind the scenes or bettany’s publicist could’ve kinda told him to stop hinting at a super duper big cameo. yes, fans got carried away but i think when you’re doing press for marvel, it should be somewhat common knowledge that fans are going to analyze and try to figure out wtf is gonna happen. it’s fun theorizing, don’t get me wrong but when it’s gone the way it has for this show, i think it leaves a lot of people unsatisfied. i’ll admit i was being a clown thinking i’d see patrick stewart as professor x again since he’s an actor paul’s never worked with before and would be a huge fan service for the audience like in the mandalorian season finale. tldr; crazy fan theories comes with the territory. my final grievance actually has to do with the set up for monica’s engineer. i was also hoping we’d someone big or someone that could be big in the future, possibly it was a skrull at the end but the tone and way monica talked about it, i think it was underwhelming to see a character that we came not to care too much about.

final thoughts | overall, i loved this show and it was refreshing to see marvel embrace the magical side of their universe as it continues to expand. the cast was amazing. everyone in the cast and crew deserve awards because this really gave us a show about wanda. i think a lot of people lost that (including myself) with all the theorizing; goes back to my complaint about press for the show. it gave us a show that dealt with trauma and grief in a way we haven’t seen before in marvel’s cinematic universe. i’ll admit i didn’t care much for wanda as i did with the others but this show made me care for her a lot more and made me a bigger fan of her and vision’s story. it grounded itself in dealing with wanda’s grief and trauma in a new way while also exploring her character more. so i’m happy that we didn’t get a super big cameo or that the multiverse wasn’t confirmed because then the tone and attention would’ve shifted away from this story being about her. i hope marvel can give us shows like this that make us care about a character’s emotions and feelings rather than just how cool and badass they look in a suit. it was clear that the cast and crew made this with such love and care that had good storytelling and kept us on edge every week. i hope that marvel can show us these types of stories and ranges from characters in future movies as well.

[lunarliza]

Fake Boyfriend | Chapter 1: Two Truths and a Big Fat Lie

JJ x Kook!reader Series 

You’re a Kook Princess who has everything you ever wanted... until your handsome Kook Prince dumps you for a hot new fling. To save your reputation, you bribe the one person he hates the most, JJ Maybank, to pretend to be your boyfriend for the summer. All’s fair in love and war. But where do you draw that line when you’re suddenly wishing your fake boyfriend is your real one?

ahh yes, my third rendition of a fake dating/enemies to lovers story. this is just a short lil intro but i’m excited for this series! 

“He did what?” 

“Yup, broke up with me right over the phone,” you repeated to your hairstylist, Boris, who almost snipped off a chunk of your locks in utter shock. 

“What a complete asshole!” Boris groused, clipping away at your dead ends, “What did you say after? Please tell me you told him off and slashed his tires or I have failed as a mentor.” 

“Well I was so angry and shaken up I didn’t know what to say,” you pouted, “So I just said whatever and hung up.” 

It had been a couple days since your nasty break up with your ex-boyfriend who blind-sided you and ended things out of nowhere. Needless to say, you were a cluttered mess and this was your favorite form of therapy: self care, a new hair color, and mindlessly ranting to Boris-- the one person on the island who would absolutely destroy anyone who did you wrong. 

“Y/n!” he droned, “How are you gonna let him end a two year relationship and just say ‘whatever’? No, you need to get to slashing right after I fix you up or else you’ve missed your Carrie Underwood moment!” 

You sighed. “I know I should’ve gone all psycho bitch on him, but I didn’t want it to seem like I care all that much! Besides,” you mumbled the next part, “he’s got a new girl already.” 

The grown man nearly dropped his shears. “Already?! This just happened like two days ago!” 

“I know,” you cringed, “My friends came over last night to investigate her Instagram. I think she’s their family friend or something. Word on the Eight is that she’s here for the summer from California and is staying at his house.” 

Boris scoffed and tossed his finished scissors on the counter in frustration, starting up the curling iron. “So he dumped you after two years and dates someone else a day after?” he shook his head, “Unbelievable. He probably had her on the side when you guys were together too. Honey, you’re so much better off without him.” 

“Yeah, you’re right!” you agreed cooly-- as if you weren’t bawling and moping over old camera roll pictures just minutes before pulling up to the salon. 

Boris lightly blow dried your newly dyed hair while you admired it through the mirror. “I like this color a lot,” you commended, “I was a little iffy that it wouldn’t look right, but I knew you’d work your magic.” 

Your freshly manicured hands played with the ends before Boris began curling the back strands. 

“You deserve it, sweetie. Forget about that piece of trash and move on with your life! You have all summer to find a new beau,” he chimed, “Where are you going tonight again?” 

“Just dinner with the girls. My friend Sarah’s dad got us reservations to Chalet Basque so we’ll definitely be treating ourselves.” 

You giggled when he began doing fake French impressions of the servers. Leave it to him to lighten your mood during trying times. When he finished the last curl, he basked you in a hairspray that smelled like rosewater and spun you in the seat for the final ‘voila’ moment. 

Boris never failed to make you feel like a full-on beauty queen during your weekly glam seshs. 

As he undid the little cape around you, you spotted a familiar combo of tall dark and handsome waltz through the front door from the corner of your eye.

“Shit,” you cursed, a little louder than intended, and shielded your face, “It’s him! And he brought the girl!” 

Boris’ eyes widened. “That’s her?” he yelled-whispered, eyeing the couple that just plopped down in the waiting area, “Oh you’re so much prettier.” 

You smiled and covertly peeked over at them-- the island’s new supposed ‘power couple’. You almost hurled when you heard kids on the Eight were coining them that name. 

There he sat, Max Vega, in all his preppy, muscular, Spanish-rooted glory. He was even wearing the expensive polo you got him last Christmas. Oh, he looked so cute with his jet black hair slightly slicked back with a single strand hanging on his forehead. Just the way you loved it. 

Tucked under his arm was his new trophy girl. Her beach-waved blonde hair came all the way down to her perfectly shaped hips and her tan model legs draped across his while they watched some video together on his phone. 

Your heart sank at the way he tapped her nose when he said something cute to her. The same way he used to do to you. 

Before you could turn away, his chestnut eyes met yours and he stiffened. You hurriedly tried to avert your gaze, but saw him begin walking over to you through Boris’ giant mirror nonetheless. 

“Y/n!” he greeted, coming up behind you.

“Max! Oh what a surprise!” you mimicked his fake seething enthusiasm, whipping around the chair. 

“Yeah,” he scratched the back of his neck, “I didn’t think I’d run into you here.”  

You held back a scoff. As if you hadn’t made weekly trips to the place to get your hair, nails, and eyebrows done since you were ten. You seriously wondered sometimes if you were truly in love him or if he was just pretty. 

His girl stood a little behind him, clutching onto his toned arm like a shy little bunny. “Anyways,” he snaked his hand to the small of her back, “This is Anya. She’s my dad’s partner’s daughter from Huntington Beach and is staying in our guest house for the summer.” 

The giant perky blonde straightened her back and held out her hand, that wasn’t wrapped around your ex-man, to you. “Hey girl! It’s so nice to meet one of Max’s friends!” 

You heard Boris lightly gag in the background and had to suppress your impending laughter. 

With all the willpower you could muster up, you rose from the chair and put on the most forced smile you have ever done. “I’m y/n, nice to meet you too.” 

“So uh, you look nice,” Max noted at your elaborate hairdo, “What’s the occasion?” 

“I-” 

“She’s actually going on a date tonight,” Boris butted-in as-a-matter-of-factly. You whisked your head around to the man, giving him a frantic ‘wtf’ look.

Max wrinkled his brows. “Oh... well that’s nice. Who with?” 

You racked your brain for a name. Any name. 

Briefly, you glanced out the shop window and caught a glimpse of a trio skipping by outside. One of your friends, Kiara Carrera, linked arms with two of her best guy friends as they munched on ice cream cones from next door. Your eyes fixated on a certain blonde boy in a snapback and untucked black button up.

Bingo. 

“Uh, it’s with JJ. JJ Maybank. You know him right?” you brought up slyly. 

Your ex was definitely taken aback- especially at the mention of the one guy he despised most on the island. “Oh, what? W-Wow,” he sputtered, “I didn’t know you guys talked like that.” 

“Yeah, I mean it just kind of happened. Sarah set us up,” you continued to fib, crossing your arms. You felt bad having to lie like that, but the look of pain and confusion on Max’s face almost made it worth it. 

Almost. 

Before he could pry any further, the nail technician called for Anya from the other side of the salon. 

She cheered and bid you goodbye before yanking Max along with her to get their couple’s treatment. The same one he refused to get with you no matter how many times your begged. Who knew all it took was a leggy blonde with a butt thrice the size of yours to do the trick. 

You sighed in relief once they disappeared to the pedicure station and smacked Boris’ arm. “What’d you do that for?! A date?! He had to know I was lying!”

“Ow!” he rubbed his tattooed arm, “Look, if he’s moving on, then you gotta act like you are too. Trust me, you’ll thank me later for this.” 

----------------------------------------

note: lowkey basing the girl off of cher horowitz from clueless lmao. anyways chapter two to come

chapter two

[silver-wield]

So I was reading through your masterlist and saw "cloti healthy disagreement" and for some reason I thought it would be about the argument they had in AC. Was not disappointed on the post, of course, you're amazing as always. But if you have the time, what do you think about their little "lover's quarrel" in the movie?

I gotchu! At last lol

Okay, onto some Advent Children stuff. I'm prefacing this by saying I'm definitely not an expert on this one. I've seen the movie like 3 times.

Ok, spoiler warning for ppl who haven’t played – do I still need to do this? Eh ok, (I tag FF7R spoilers as final fantasy 7 remake spoilers) and it’s gonna be long and also not about FF7R, but who’s paying attention to this bit?

Also, this is one person’s interpretation of the scene, so if you disagree that’s cool and we’ll agree to disagree.

You’re also gonna have to excuse the janky quality on some of the screens, I’m grabbing them from Youtube and it’s frustrating af trying to get the exact moment I want.

Please check my master post to see if I've already covered your question, thanx

Let's mosey!

Recap time!

So, after Cloud finds Tifa in the church and then passes out so they can do a whole yin yang symbolism thing—which I get is supposed to look cool and showcase how they are the other half of each other, but I kinda just wish they'd had them lying together because the way that happened just doesn't make sense.

But, back to the house. When Cloud wakes up it's day time and then when Tifa wakes up it's night. So he has literally stayed by her the entire day, despite the kids being in trouble. Kinda feels like I shouldn't point out how people said Cloud is kid centric in AC where I said he tolerates the ones that aren't his family, but given a choice he'll choose Tifa over everyone, but yeah, I probably shouldn't go on about how Cloud is a bit of a dick to everyone except Tifa lol

“Reno and Rude are out looking.”

Okay, so Tifa wakes up and the first thing that Cloud says to her is Reno and Rude are looking for the kids because he thinks that's the first thing she's gonna ask about. He says this as he's walking around the bed, like he can't bare to stand still and look at her, like he's expecting her to dismiss him.

Since we know from OTWTAS that he thinks he's not good enough for her again and that she shouldn't care, this reaction is expected from him.

“You have geostigma, don't you?”

We don't get to see Cloud's reaction to this because his back is to us, but Tifa's eyes are wide and earnest looking and she's upset. This is inter-shot with clips of Cloud riding his bike towards the Forgotten City because this is what he's thinking about as he's on his way there.

And Cloud even glances back the way he came to further hit home that he's thinking about this talk with Tifa because that's how important it is to him. His gaze skims his right arm, which we know he associates with strength and keeping his promise to protect Tifa.

“You're gonna give up and die, is that it?”

She sounds so heartbroken when she asks this. She looks heartbroken too. When he doesn't reply, she can't look at him and sits up, curling into herself to protect herself from the emotional pain that Cloud's inflicting on her.

“There's no cure.”

Tifa immediately turns back to Cloud to argue that Denzel's still fighting. She's got tears in her eyes and she's trying so hard to be positive.

“Don't run, let's fight it together.”

Tifa turns towards Cloud and we can see from the wider angle that he's got his head down and looks defeated.

“I guess that only works for real families.”

And by real, Tifa means regular ones. Husband, wife, bio kids. Not what they have, which is being not-married, but living together as though they are and raising a kid who isn't theirs biologically and also taking care of their friend's daughter, who also treats them like they’re his kids. Their family is unorthodox and Tifa's questioning whether their odd family isn't worth fighting for because it's not perfect or normal like other people's, and this makes her sad because she was content with her family. She loves Cloud and Marlene and Denzel and never questioned if what they had was a family or not because she thought it was. She wants to know if Cloud thinks so too. He left her. Ok, he had good reasons in his head, but what if one of those reasons is he wasn't happy with his family the way it was?

“Tifa, I'm not fit to help anyone. Not my family, not my friends, nobody.”

Half of me wants to shake Cloud, but then the other half is like “oh you poor precious bean you need hugs”

He's clearly in the depths of his depression to the point he thinks he's totally useless. His body language is so low I don't think he could curl himself over anymore than he already is. He can't look Tifa in the eye, and for a guy who does good eye contact with her this is a big deal. Cloud is wallowing in his self-doubt, guilt and sense of failure. He calls her his family, though, so he’s given her an answer that he thinks what they have is a family, which is something.

“Dilly dally, shilly shally.”

I know this is to show how silly Cloud's being, but I hate this line. It sounds so ooc for Tifa. It's definitely more fitting for Aerith later on. Then again, she probably got the words from Aerith at some point in the past, so that could explain why she uses them.

Cloud's head is down until Tifa says this, then he starts to look up and we get a clear view of his eyes for the first time since the scene began. He looks upset, but surprised and confused too. Like “wtf is Tifa talking about?”

And when Tifa repeats the words in a firmer voice, while not looking at him because I'm betting this confrontation is hard for her too, Cloud looks away and tries to figure out what she means by it. And then Reno throws him a bone by telling him because Cloud obviously has lost his Tifa mind reader ability for a while lol

The two images also look like a callback to real vs soldier Cloud, so there’s that too.

“They're at their base: the forgotten city.”

And both Cloud and Tifa look away when they hear where Kadaj is holed up, because Tifa knows it's here that Cloud started slipping into depression and Cloud knows it's a place he doesn't want to go back to because he feels so guilty about Aerith. If he goes, he'll have to confront his guilt and work through it, and that's why during the conversation with Aerith he says he wants to be forgiven in response to her asking why he's there. He made the choice to confront those feelings and not run anymore. He still feels like he doesn't deserve it which is why he says he wants to be forgiven, but later during the chat with Vincent he resolves those feelings and decides to try fighting for what he has in the present instead of being weighed down by the past. It's his friends and family who ultimately help Cloud past this.

“Go.”

Tifa looks at Cloud when he tries to avoid the confrontation with his guilt. She tells him to stop running because she can hear a weak excuse when it's being said and sees what Cloud's been doing now that she's got the full picture. He's scared and feels guilty and like he's not good enough. He got sick and couldn't help himself or anyone and thought everyone would be better off without him. He turned away from their love and support because he loves them and didn't want to make them suffer because of his inadequacies. It's his childhood trait of not being good enough for everyone coming out, and it's one that Tifa resolves again by showing him love and support and telling him he is good enough.

“You need to think about now. Really take it in.”

Tifa is telling Cloud to live in the present and to stop letting the past ruin him. He can't change what happened, but he can make a difference now. If he stops running away.

“Look at you, you think you've got it so damn hard.”

I love the shot of her ring here. It's not just drawing attention to the fact she's wearing the equivalent of an engagement/promise/wedding ring and that it matches Cloud's wolf head stuff, so clearly came from him, it's that by showing us this shot of her hand, we're being told that she's giving him some tough love. They're a couple and that means they can have tough conversations. Tifa doesn't like confrontation, but she won't avoid it if it matters. And Cloud matters because he's basically her husband and she loves him.

“Sure you might not answer the phone, but I don't see you throwing it away, either.”

Tifa knows Cloud so well that she can say things like he hates being alone and refuses to throw his phone away and to let people in. She's almost begging him at this point. Trying to justify how she wants him to not give up and that they need him just as much as he needs them. She's drawing attention to the front that he's acting like a loner, but picks up his messages.

And Cloud's expression shifts when she says this, too. He's acknowledging the fact she's right.

“Which is it, a memory or us?”

Tifa's saying will Cloud let himself die because of his guilt and everything that's gone wrong or will he choose to live in the present with his family who love him? She’s pretty much crying by this point because she wants him to live.

“But, I let you die.”

And there's the confirmation of Cloud's guilt being the reason for his behaviour. And then Aerith repeats the same line Tifa does, implying that Cloud's being an annoying butt and should move on and forgive himself since no one blames him except himself.

In conclusion

AC Cloud is annoying af and I give massive props to Tifa for loving him even when he's like this. Their conversation is pretty interesting from Tifa's pov, especially when you think how hard it is for her to have a confrontation. She uses body language that's typical for her passive personality trait, but then when it comes down to it, she turns and gives it her all for Cloud. Because that confrontation is for him. It's not because of him that she's doing it. He's not a reason to fight, he's someone for her to fight for.

[piiratelovesyouyou]

So the 100 7x06 was hmmmmm

I enjoyed the episode but idk I felt like something was missing (not just Bellamy)

MVPS OF THIS EP - WITHOUT A DOUBT INDRA AND DIYOZA

Omg Diyoza’s whole part just made me die in several ways. Love this bad bitch man. But when she chewed out that guys neck - I nearly vomited

The Hope/Diyoza/Octavia reunion was the cutest and thank god those helmets are hella protective, Diyoza nearly took out her daughter

The way echo is mourning for Bellamy... I mean I get it I do but it feels weird to me that Octavia isn’t grieving just as much or even more? Is Octavia okay like they did mess with her mind so I wonder if she actually thinks Bellamy is dead?

Levitt dressed as the janitor seriously gave me Bellamy season 1 vibes lmao and him wanting her to punch him...this kid is WHIPPED

Wtf Gabriel? Honestly what’s his game plan here?

I mean we’ve all said it that sanctum storyline is the least favourite which is very true but the characters and the acting is what is seriously what is stopping me from skipping that entire thing

LOOOL when sheidheda bitch slapped Nelson...I nearly choked. JR Bourne is playing sheidheda so fucking well! Omg Nelson cmon don’t be a little bitch and turn on people

Madi being afraid is believable, she’s a kid I mean she’s technically older than Jordan and Hope but she’s a kid and she’s gone through too much stuff. Let her be happy and omg her new friend really reminded me of jasper and Monty 😩

INDRA INDRA INDRA!!!!!! omg ABOUT DAMN TIME SHE LEAD THEM!

Emori and Murphy hyping her up was so cute but I despise what Murphy said about ‘Octavia only put red paint on her face’ I laughed but I despise that comment. Without Octavia, wonkru would’ve been dead and who the fuck United the clans? OCTAVIA DID! this girl deserves more credit man and I wish Indra had idk stood up for her but not the time I guess and Octavia didn’t take charge? Octavia took charge when the real adults where just watching! You know what I can’t go into this again loool

When Indra said ‘I’m not a leader,I’m a warrior’ who got 5x02 vibes? Even when she beat that guy I was like omg is she gonna ‘YOU ARE WONKRU OR YOU ARE THE ENEMY OF WONKRU’ 😭 the whole time I was thinking Octavia would’ve really been proud of her. I really hope they reunite soon, I mean they didn’t have a scene once in season 6!

Bellamy would’ve been so proud of Murphy too omg MURPHY IS FOR THE CHILDREN!

I am pleasantly surprised that no one died in the Nakara crew!

Miller’s one liners always have me laughing 😭 Jordan was killing it too this ep lmao so was Nylah actually...those 3 and Murphy - funniest!

THEY WERE IN SOME SORT OF ANIMAL ??? wasn’t expecting that

Princess mechanic was LONG OVERDURE. I really hope we get to see more of their bonding

I really hope nothing happens to Raven, I know that Nikki woman is after her and to be fair...her husband is dead but not even tryna be funny tho but da fuq she gonna do....SHES NOT EVEN IN YOUR WORLD?!!

OMG CADAGON IS CONFIRMED! Exciting shit man

PLEASE TELL ME THEY WENT TO BARDO BECAUSE SO HELP ME GOD I NEED EVERYONE TOGETHER!

Is Gaia with Bellamy?

This is a good season but does it feel like the last season? No and that’s the issue

[yakumtsaki]

I taste just like ice cream, bitch I am so icy, heart cold like an ice queen, that's why they don't like me 🎵

-What the hell was that.

Traditionally I start Union updates with semi-relevant song lyrics.

-Why did you start an update at all.

Because it’s time, Shajar! I took a holy oath in my 2020 simming goals post to update Unions once a month, and I’m already a month late.

-But nothing interesting is happening. 

That’s never stopped me before. Now listen to Rico Nasty, cry some more about Sophie blowing you off, and shut up.

-Ugh please, I couldn’t be more over Sonia if I tried. I hardly ever texted her links to wedding pinterest boards and quizzes to determine if our parenting styles are compatible. 

Did she ever reply? 

-She did once and said ‘who dis’. Of course the letters unscrambled spell out ‘do wish’, meaning she did wish me to keep messaging her. I just don’t know where it all went wrong. 

-Hey there, 17 year old girl, maybe you’ve had enough neat whiskey for the night? We’re actually running out of bottles. 

-Beat it, ponytail, I need to dull my pain. I’ve just been stabbed right in the gut by the love of my life. Just like my style idol and general role model, space opera fascist Kylo Ren.

Shaj I really hate seeing you like this, and not just because the red neon light is super unflattering on your complexion.

-You can fuck right off too, I was perfectly happy with my dads who hate me and my imbecile sister and my brother who might as well not exist, noogie-ing people all day AND night long, but you had to be all ‘OMG IT’S SOPHIE MIGUEL SHAJAR GO TALK TO HER’. Life-ruining-moron. 

But I was totally right about you two hitting it off, I mean look how sad you are now that she dumped- yea never mind, that’s not a good argument.

-Look what I can do even though I’ve had 46 whiskeys!! How you like me now, Sophie???

-You’re paying for all these broken glasses, I’m going to need your name and a credit card.

-Yes, fair enough, my name is Cyneswith Union-

-I LOOK GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT

Yea, you really should eat something to soak up all the alcohol. And not to kick you when you’re down, but you should also disregard all those cliches about ~a smile being the most beautiful thing you can wear~ because MAN. Watch out Joaquin, there’s a new Joker on the prowl. 

-So.. 20 lobsters thermidor and our most expensive appetizers?

-Aha.

-Would you mind settling your bill now?

-Of course not! My name is Cyneswith Union and this is the credit card my parents got me when I was 6 because we’re super duper best friends! I love my parents! They don’t care about their other daughter at all, even when their other daughter is going through a really hard time because she got the emotional equivalent of a lightsaber wound in the gut. You know what, let me also get 20 bottles of your most overpriced champagne to go with the lobsters.

Feeling better?

-Well it’s hard to feel bad when you’re spending your parents’ money recklessly and with malice aforethought.

It sure is. Alright well, the sun is coming up, maybe we should head home.

-What’s the rush? What is going to happen if I don’t go home, my parents will get worried? LOL

God your life sucks. Ok let’s hit a couple more places.

-Greetings. Welcome to our establishment. I am a human employee from this planet.

Great, nice to meet you.

-I just want there to be no doubt that I am indeed an earthling, born and raised under the earth’s exosphere and not above it.

Leave us alone.

-And I’m the resident community lot sim with that one face template you hate! There must be one of us on every lot you visit!

-And I am here in my revealing outfit to use the dance sphere and make everyone uncomfortable!

You’re actually pretty, I need to keep you in mind for after Don Oates takes a wrecking ball to our genetics, but yea, let’s bounce, Shajar.

Time to visit the happiest place on earth, Deh'Javu Modern Art Museum, home to my favorite piece of art in any medium, The Toilet of Fire. Shove that Fountain up your ass, Duchamp. How we feeling, Shaj?

-This trash can reminds of Sophie :( She used to go around town throwing money she stole from charities in trash cans and then send them riddles for where to find them :(

Enough with Sophie, we’ll find you someone better! Like..

..your aunt! Get the hell out of here Brit Brit, you’re taking up townie space. 

-I won’t be long, Gunther’s amazing close-up portrait of my hair was rejected by the museum so I’m here to set this shithole on fire. 

In other words Gunther just painted a canvas black and called it a day?

-His art doesn’t cater to plebs. Yes, offense.

Our old friend Ugly Teen Townie is here so finally we can have some fun. Shajar had gone almost 12 hours(!) without noogieing someone and I was starting to worry for her health.

-Yes, yes, I’m starting to feel like myself again..

Good for you, Shaj!

-Hope you’ve made peace with your God, Ugly Teen Townie, this water balloon is filled with horse feces! 

-WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET HORSE SHIT

-I ordered it from some guy named Leod McGreggor.

-How about a another joke, MuRRAY?

-What?!

-Now you say, ‘no, I think we’ve had enough of your jokes’. Say it!

-No, I think we’ve had enough of your jokes.

-What do you get when you cross a mentally-ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash? Now you say ‘call the police, Gene!’

-Call the police, Gene!

-I'll tell you what you get..

-YOU GET WHAT YOU FUCKING DESERVE. HAHA oh man! Good stuff. 

Alright I’m starting to feel bad for Ugly Teen Townie, first he had to come to all the toddler birthday parties during the Victoria/Komei era and now this, he has suffered enough at this family’s hands. Time to go home, Shaj.

-Not so fast!

Wow, the Countess and Mrs. Crumplebottom on the same lot, top 10 anime crossovers.

-I have been sent here by the Limp Dick Vamps United organization to recruit Shajar Union.

Ugh you people are still around? Haven’t heard of you losers since the Count wouldn’t let Victoria bang him, which I’m still annoyed about. 

-Indeed we are, and it’s clear Shajar is ready to join us, dedicating her life to evil deeds without romantic distractions. I have no idea what Crumplebottom is doing here.

-I’m here to recruit Shajar to my own organization, Bitter Sims Worldwide Alliance. We’re always on the lookout for new members who want to spread their misery to their fellow Sim. 

It sounds like it’d be more effective if you guys just merged your organizations.

-I will NEVER merge my organization with someone who displays her bosom like a common whore. 

-Eat a dick, Crumplebottom!

-MAKE ME, FANGTOOTH

-Alright here I am, what the fuck do you want?

-Shajar, it is a pleasure to meet you! Ardent admirer of your work.

-What work, freakshow?

-Torturing everyone around you, what else!

-What? I don’t torture people around me, if anything they torture me.

-Why don’t you talk to me about it?

-I’d rather not, you look like a bejeweled snowman.

-Look deep into my eyes, Shajar..

-And now look deep into my razor sharp teeth..

-Ugh fine, let’s talk. 

-Is that Victoria and Komei’s teen granddaughter hanging out with a vampire?

Yes it is Kennedy, keep it moving.

-God, wtf is wrong with this family. 

Nothing now that you’ve been removed from our social circle, go away! Just kidding, you’re an icon and I’m marrying you in at some point. 

-Hard pass. 

Your loss, hombre. 

-It definitely isn’t.

-If I had known your turn on was vampires I would had set you two up!

STOP SETTING UP TEENS WITH ADULTS, LAKSHMI. And Shajar’s turn ons isn’t vampires, it’s fitness/fatness. Body positive queen. 

-Well, Shajar, you alphabetically listing all the people who have wronged you while I was trying to kill Crumplebottom telepathically has made for a very productive conversation. We’ll be in touch. 

-Thanks, Countess, it’s been real.

Shajar!!! Who cares about Sophie when you might bag a hot, rich vamp??

-Meh.

I’m gonna need you to be more excited about this prospect because a vampire spouse might just be enough of a draw to beat the comedic factor of fucking Don Oates turning us into an unintentional uglacy and I’m doing whatever I can to avoid my fate.

Ugh.

UGH

UGHHHHHHH

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO VICTORIA

-GET FUCKED, BROKEN FACED WEIRDO

God I miss you Vic 💔

-Donnie-bear, not to be not-nice, but mopping your pee off my front lawn is not exactly what I pictured doing during this date.

This guy won’t even mop up his own piss, what a catch.

Wow, manipulative much?? You are a piss piece of work, Donaldo.

-Don’t think we forgot about you, you 10-nice-point disgrace!

-VICTOR NO

-GET THAT MOP READY

-Finally, some peace and quiet.. Just me, alone with my broken heart, pondering my hopeless, loveless future..

-💗💗💗OMG SIS THERE YOU ARE. DONNIE AND I MADE OUT!!! 💗💗💗 But then grandma’s ghost scared him into soiling himself. 

-Good for grandma, hopefully next time she gives him a stroke. Now shut up and let’s eat in silence while I ponder my hopeless, loveless future.

-Okie dokie! 💗💗💗

-Um, I think mine has vomit in it.

-Yea I did that, but it’s just whiskey and lobster, if anything it increased in value. 

-Awww thanks sis! 💗💗💗

-Stop patronizing me, you little bitch. God I want to poke your eye out with this chopstick so badly.

-I love you too Shaj! 💗💗💗

And I hate both of you. Where’s your brother, I haven’t paid attention to him in 3 days. 

-He went upstairs, I think he’s pusshurt we forgot his birthday LOL

IT’S HIS BIRTHDAY????

-Don’t feel bad, I forgot it too! 💗💗💗

GODDAMMIT. WULF! WULF WHERE ARE YOU

-I’m here, I just grew up and dare I say it could not have gone better! 

Really?? Finally some good news! Let me look upon you-

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

WULF WHAT THE FUCK

-I was Mozart musical genius boy but now I’m a sk8ter boi! Character development!

Ok this is the most iconic birthday look since Gunther grew up in the pirate costume, we’re obviously keeping it. 

-Great! And as if the fact I’m a Wyatt face template with 0 Jojo genes wasn’t enough to make me unelectable, I also rolled family! :D I’m doing everything I can to ensure I live that sweet motherlode spare life! 

Honestly you should had picked another outfit cause now that you’re dressed like this I unironically want you to win. Hoisted with your own petard.

[cnc-hoebayb]

Dumb dad things the boys would be caught doing

Zabdiel

-super casual and simple but like

-Hed totally get caught just pushing your kid over

-Like he doesn’t know you saw so when your little boy just plops down and starts whining you just “why’d you do that?”

-And he plays it off “i didn’t do anything wym”

-“Zabdiel i literally just saw you push our son”

-He shrugs

-“I think he kinda deserved it”

-DESERVED IT

-bc he was in his bubble apparently ur kid deserved it. Valid

-probably would get caught having a full convo with your son too

-not even about fun cute kid stuff either, it’s about things he needs to remember to do, telling him a story about something douchey someone did on tour

-Thats just very Zabdi, long deep thought out talks with his bb son about life even though he can’t understand

-K but something dangerous but not really

-Zabdiel is kinda aloof sometimes rigjt

-and is big gentle man giant

-So i see him as doing something like letting your toddler climb him literally like a tree when he’s bored and while Zab is busy on the phone or doing something important and just can’t handle it rn

-example

-Hes multitasking big time while you’re gone

-He needs to be on this call right now, but has to start making dinner and cleaning some little messes here and there

-Your son is begging for attention that he just can’t give

-so he does what any dad would do and just picks him up to ease him

-And after awhile ur kid gets kinda restless, starts climbing dad like a play thing

-he climbs up and down his torso, on his head, jumping back onto him from the counter when Zabdi sets him down for a second

-Which is valid given Zabdiel can handle it and can take care of his kid, but...

-it’s not the best sight to see walking in the door to your family with your son next to a hot stove top, plunging himself off to dangle off of your baby daddies stiff arm

Erick

-Youre driving home from work/school after a long day

-You pull into your neighborhood and on the corner of your street you spot it

-Your child

-On a baby leash

-in somEONES YARD

-rolling around in the leaves

-Erick just laughing and encouraging

-and you honk at them from your view in your car and when he sees you

-He starts laughing even harder

-Totally catch him one night playing with your kid in his room

-and as you peek in you see them just hangin, playin and all of a sudden your son snatches a plastic Dinosaur rigjt out of Ericks hands

-and Erick really sadly “heeeyy- i was playing with that 😞”

-Hed start fake crying

-Your son gets sad too and starts actually crying

-“lo siento, daddy im really sorry” in between sobs (also imagine that voice and ur lil boy with a lisp)

-Erick panics

-“aahh esta bien, niño. Let’s play with the Dino together.”

-Holds your little boy in his lap and they play together

-You cry happy tears a lil bit in the hallway

-Erick is also still like a child so this is 100% truth:

-Would get caught actually genuinely arguing with your son

-Theyre yelling at each other (your son in baby toddler babbles), and Erick is heated heated

-“que está pasando niños??” You try to gauge the situation immediately

-“he stole my last ice cream sandwich i hid in the fridge!!”

-You want to yeLL

-“Erick...”

-he glares at your son, who revolts with a tongue sticking out and arms crossed

-“you think you’ll get away with it, huh? Cuz ur cute,” he argues with him and you have to actually talk him down from his stubbornness

-“i was saving it for later today :(( “ he whines as you pull him in like you would your baby for a comforting “its ok” hug

Joel

-You’d be in the kitchen

-Come out into the living room to ask Joel to get ur little baby ready to eat

-And you catch him deadass recording your baby crying on the floor, a pile of toys around her

-“bro tf”

-“She was dancing and fell into her toy box”

-“Then whY you recording ?”

-“.....bc it was funny 😔”

-Would also do your daughters hair himself sometimes and dress her

-And you know he knows what he’s doing

-But like he also forgets she’s a baby too

-You have to remind him your daughter really shouldn’t be using his grown man curl products just yet

-or that she can’t wear a shirt that says “fuck” in it

-and she is definitely not wearing a bandana like that to picture day

-teaches your kid how to thirst trap !!

-this hoe!

-catch them both in the bathroom mirror one day, he’s shirtless, lil cute baby girl in his arms

-and she’s serving !!

-Like duh she’s your guys’ kid so she’s beautiful n shit but

-she’s posing and tilting her head in the right angles in this cute lighting (bc daddy taught her to find her perfect angle)

-He shrugs like “what’d you expect, we’re hot stuff” and smirks

Richard

-Openly and unapologetically teaching your kid how to say bad words

-and recoRDING IT

- to POST on his insta

-also would get caught scripting a whole thing for her to perform for the camera

-convinces her that the reason his hair is red is bc he drank all of his juice mommy gave him instead of spilling it out for the dog to drink

-your kid chugs down that juice like her life depends on it so she can have red hair like papi too

-tells her stories that the snacks she wants to eat before dinner make you scream and that’s why she shouldn’t eat them before dinner

-convinces her by shoving his mouthful of potato chips and immediately starts screaming to prove his point

-ur kid laughs but is also kinda terrified

-gets caught reading her stories and getting reallyyyy into it

-like acting and doing dramatically different voices for the characters

-Does the Joel thing and just dresses her head to toe in ICE like the most expensive jewelry and clothes

-kinda salt bc you don’t even dress like that

-have to stop her before you send her to school bc you know she’s gonna lose one of those expensive necklaces in the sand box or something

Christopher

-Another instance where you’re driving home alone

-Whipping down the street to see your toddler running down the sidewalk a few blocks away happily

-You flip and swerve over to park on the side of the street bc wtf ! Your kid !!

-But as soon as you park you see him

-Its Chris sprinting just as fast, frantically too

-Finally catches up with your kid and swoops her up in his arms with a relieved breath

-You roll down your window slowly

-“You pretty lil things need a ride home?” You yell out and when he looks up to see you caught him he’s dEAD

-also teaches your daughter how to cuss and cackles so hard bc it’s funny to hear her call each of her uncles “puto”

-id see something happening like

-You walk out of the room for one second during dinner and when you come back it’s food fight chaos

-Chris and your kid are racing to see who can eat the fastest but also there’s food flying everywhere bc they’re trying to distract one another and win

-lil baby hits Chris in the eye with a fistful of eggs (in this scenario it’s breakfast for dinner thx) and then he counters the hit by throwing his whole pancake at her face

-also gets caught playing dress up a little too good

-You glimpse in her room and she’s painting his nails, slapping on some gross little kid lipgloss all over his face

-and all the while Chris is smiling and acting like a pretty lady, flipping his hair around and batting his lashes all nice

-they spew some chisme back and forth, sip fake tea, and do cute model walks down the room

-You take secret pictures of the event for later blackmail

[dancing-the-hellfire-rumba]

Dear Hannah,

Pairing: technically Destiel, but that’s not what this is about Word Count: 4.9k (wow wtf) Warnings: mentions of self-harm, cancer, shitty father John (as per usual), angst and angst and father-daughter love and angst. Summary: When Dean, strapped to a bed, coughing up a storm, catches sight of his newly-adopted baby girl, he decides that, if he is to leave this world, he has to leave something behind for his favorite person. So he writes a booklet, trying to tell her all the things he would’ve if he was alive. Author’s note: This was originally done for @welldonebeca​ ‘s 2019 Song Challenge but I fucked up thinking the deadline was the 31st of October instead of the 15th. Whatever the case, my prompt was movement, by Hozier, which I interpreted as Dean being fascinated by his daughter enough that he’s inspired to write a letter book to her. Of course this wouldn’t be the entire thing, but I had to keep it under wraps.

Feedback is always welcome! No beta, all mistakes are my own.

~~~~

Hannah,

Christ, it’s the third time I’m starting this. The truth is, I’m coming up with blanks as to how to actually start. This has got to be the best I’ve got.

I’ll tell you the moral of this story, my story,  from the get-go. Life’s a fucking bitch, okay? I want you to know that from now. I’d try to hold back on my swearing, but I want you to know me as the person I am, the person I’ve always been. I know what having an absent, terrible father’s like, as you’ll soon see, and I don’t want that for you. I wish I could tell you all this up close, give you advice, tell you all my crazy-ass stories as the dumbass of the teenager I was, and all the shenanigans your uncle (wow, Sam really is a friggin’ uncle!), by a campfire, while you drink your first beer.

Sadly, my odds aren’t looking so great, honey. So this is all I got. I know it’ll never be enough but something is better than nothing.

Enough with the chick flick introduction, though. Let’s start.

The pen’s heavy in his hand, and it’s equal parts the mental heaviness, the weight of the task, as it is his fatigue. Dean’s really just started this. He can’t believe it. The heaviness of uncertainty, of whether or not he’ll get enough time to finish it settles on his chest like an anvil. There’s a solid chance he doesn’t make it before his time comes.

Hannah’s sitting right there, carelessly looking at the plastic, grinning stars above her crib. She’s so innocent, skin creamy, chocolaty and bright, a young, fearsome woman that’s gonna turn out to be so incredible, he’s certain. A small baby who’s soon to walk.

Dean already knows, this kid is destined for great things.

She’s gonna grow up, past the tutus and the miniature racing-car collections, she’s gonna have a movie she’ll play on repeat for ever and ever, with a song that he’ll learn by heart after having heard it so many times. She’s gonna go to high school and she’ll be bullied but she’ll learn to kick some serious ass. She’ll develop interests, she’ll have mediocre grades but a fiery passion and a love for anything alive.

She’ll, then, go to college. She’ll fall in love, with people and life itself. She’ll do what she loves most and she’ll be so damn good at it, she’ll excel.

And Dean… Dean will be nowhere near her to see all of it.

The bitterness… it makes his eyebrows stitch together, his lip curl in clear frustration and sadness. After everything he’s been through, finally finding the person he loves most and creating a full-ass apple pie life, and it’s all gonna be gone as soon as it started. Because, as he told his favorite Hannah, life’s a fucking bitch, and there’s no denying it.

As he lays there in his bed, pale as a sheet, watching her giggle for a while, reaching for the stars, soon yawning, small eyelids shutting softly and rocking just slightly, he… he falls in love with her. This tiny, tiny happy-beyond-words creature that could ask anything of him, and he’d do it, god damn it. He really would.

A giant bubble grows in his chest, a bubble that makes him feel like he’ll protect her at absolute all costs. He’ll grab the moon and fucking move it if that’s what she needs. And all she has to do is yawn and fall asleep.

A tear appears in the corner of his eye, lingering and falling down his ashy cheek. He can’t believe he brought this bright ray of sunshine to this world, and he’s about to make her live with an absent father. That he won’t get any memories with her at all. It’s torture. All of it.

He doesn’t know what else to do, so he grabs his pen with more determination. If he’s to leave her with something, it’ll be a part of him and that is that.

~~~~~

I was born on January 24th, 1979, the first son of a, dare I say, colossally unlucky family. Your uncle, Sam, my brother, is four years younger and will ALWAYS be a wimp, don’t let the height fool you. He always had terrible, shaggy hair and was always the sharpest tool in the box. Hell, the boy went to freaking LAW SCHOOL of all places! That’s kinda crazy!

My parents, your grandparents, were Mary and John.

Mary was a sweet, incredible, fearsome blonde woman, kindest of them all. She’d cut the crusts off my toast, sing Hey, Jude to me before bed and tell me angels were watching over me. (While we’re on the topic of the Beatles, make a note to listen to them. “Hey, Jude” must be your first song, but beyond the classics [Let it Be, Hard Day’s Night, I Saw Her Standing There, I Wanna Hold your hand etc] I hope “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds” will hold a special spot in your heart, much like me.)

So, Mary. Sweet Mary. She was a real badass, you know. This one time, Sammy was hungry, so I decided to make, get this, French fries. I think I was seven. She caught me getting ready to pour oil in a very hot pan. When I say she swooped in, I mean it, quite literally. I think she saved me a hand that day.

Now, about John…You’ll have to forgive the mess that I’m about to make with this, but John was a fucking sorry excuse of a father, alright? He got piss-drunk every night after Mom died, and naturally, Sam and I were the punching bags, sometimes literally. The best nights were the ones he wasn’t home.

For years, the house was silent. Sam and I tried to keep everything clean, stock up on canned food, because at times we would only have ten bucks to hold us for over two weeks. I took him to school, fed him, made sure he studied –not that I really had to- and kept John of his hair. At sixteen I picked up a shift at Bobby Singer’s garage, a man that, at this point, deserves the Dad title significantly more than John.

Whenever Sammy was sick, it was my fault. Was anyone loud? Dean’s fault. House dirty? Dean’s fault. Did we wake him up? …Let’s just say we learned not to do that.

I tried to put myself before Sam, did anything I could to protect him. There were times when that wasn’t even enough.

I dropped out of high school at seventeen. The second I saved up enough money, I rented a hole of an apartment at the other side of town, in an attempt to help Sam have a normal life, and we hauled ass out of there.

Before I tell you about our shitty apartment, let me tell you about the highlights of my high school career. Starting off with me “unintentionally” kicking a ball at my least favorite teacher’s face (and hitting him) ((Don’t take your father’s example, kid, violence isn’t the answer.)) (Did feel pretty good at the time though), making out with Jenny in the Janitor’s closet and with Arthur at the locker rooms afterhours (I don’t know what age you’re reading this at, but I sure hope it’s over 16). Also, that one time I pulled a prank at my friend, Cole. I spray painted his entire locker. He didn’t like me very much, to be honest…

~~~~~

An important story I feel inclined to share with you, would be the fact that I was once a bully.

Kids are just mean, but also, I couldn’t understand that troubles at home, traumatic pasts and anger are not to be taken out on other people who are not at fault. Instead of finding a healthy way to deal with everything that was happening at home, I decided that every happy person that was weak enough to meddle with, didn’t deserve any happiness.

I picked on a couple of people, but I think the one I will always regret will be Kevin Tran.

Kevin was a freshman when I was in junior year. He was in the Math club, the Science club and the Robotics club. He had maybe two friends, he was skinny, short, shy as hell, he drowned himself in oversized clothes and always carried a neon green book bag around, that worked on me like red cloth to a bull.

Every time I spotted the bag in the hallway, the drill would start. Shoving the poor kid against the locker, calling him names and laughing at his face for no apparent reason. I’d steal his calculators when I found out he had chemistry tests, spray paint the door of his locker and cause rib bruises from my shoving him against walls and furniture.

I soon find out Kevin was severely depressed. In fact, I saw him in the back of the school, where I’d usually go out to smoke because I thought it was cool (it’s not, it makes you light headed, unfocused and struggle to breathe. Just an all-around terrible experience, but this is just a side-note.)

It was a Friday after school. I didn’t wanna go straight home and Sam still had one more period, so I decided to go smoke and listen to some music in the back of the school building. And that’s where I found him.

I don’t know into how much detail I should go here, but Kevin was harming himself. With a small pocket knife, he sat on an old basket and made incisions on his arms, tears running down his face like a faucet. My God, Hannah, I’ve never felt like a bigger piece of shit in my life, because I knew, and I knew very well, that at least part of those incisions were caused by me.

I called out to him, and the look on his face, as he scrambled away from me, made me feel so much worse. I was the scum of the earth at that moment. I was the biggest asshole on the planet.

My initial reaction, I’ll admit, was pretty harsh. I grabbed the pocket knife out of his hands and threw it as far as possible in the grass. I grabbed a small first aid kit I had in my bag (in case anything happens to Sam), made him sit down by force and bandaged him up. He’d been reduced to sniffles by the time I was done.

Somewhere in between, I remember, he asked me why I was doing this. I didn’t answer.

Eventually, when I was done, I sat on the ground in front of him, ripping blades of grass from the ground. I apologized. Something along the lines of “I didn’t know, not that that’s an excuse. What I’m going through is not an excuse, but I hope it makes you understand that it was nothing to do with you. I’ll stop. I’m sorry. Don’t do this to yourself, man.”

That evening, Kevin was one of the very first people who found out about John. His own dad had passed away, and things at home were rough with his mom. That, along with the whole depression thing… it wasn’t a good combo.

After a solid two hours of talking with him, making amends, apologizing profusely and getting my apology accepted (which I absolutely didn’t deserve by the way,) we made it back out front.

From then on, I stopped picking on anyone. Kevin and I actually became really good friends, though we drifted apart eventually. I think he works in Google now.

This is really important. I want you to pay attention and take heed of my words. There are a couple lessons in this story.

One, be kind. Always  be kind. To everyone. It doesn’t matter if they’re going through a rough time or not, the same way it didn’t matter that Kevin’s father was dead. You don’t know the other person. There’s never a reason to not be kind, if the person has done nothing to you. A smile can make somebody’s day, a compliment can go a long way, and being open and honest and kind will make people who are looking for help find you, it will make other’s lives better, and if you’ve helped even a single person, your life has been successful.

Two, never, and I mean never take your emotional pain out on yourself, or others. There are healthy ways to deal with ugly emotions. There are people who can help. Find a new hobby, as silly as it sounds. Start doing something creative, something that draws your attention elsewhere, like art of any kind, or, in my case, fixing cars. Something to keep you busy. If you’re in trouble, emotional or otherwise, there are people who love and support you, who will do their mightiest to be by your side, and if those aren’t your friends, they’re definitely your family.

Bottling up emotions, or dealing with them in horrible, unhealthy ways has been my go-to. Don’t be like me. Express yourself in different ways, and don’t keep your feelings shoved under the carpet, because it will, absolutely, unceremoniously explode, and you’ll take people down with you. And that’s when you’ll feel like the worst person in the world. The guilt, the residue of said ugly feelings isn’t worth it. Trust me.

If you make mistakes, if you hurt people who don’t deserve it, learn from it, grow, be better. Do not sink into yourself , don’t hate yourself. Apologize, make amends and move on, try to never do the same thing. It’s okay. We’re all human. The only thing that matters is that you try to be better.

No matter what, remember that I will always love you.              

~~~~

So. Our apartment back in Kansas was, as I told you, a real dump. It had a tiny-ass kitchen with a miniature stove, two mattresses that were creaky and lumpy and were left there by the previous owners, as well as the TINIEST bathroom you’ve ever seen. It didn’t have shower walls, it had a shower head and a drain on the floor and was not in any way separated from the toilet. The walls of the place were peeling, the floor was tiled and cracked in a bunch of places and the humidity must’ve been over 80%.

I fucking loved that place.

On our third day there, I borrowed some spray paints from Cole, carried them in a cardboard box up the claustrophobic, green stairs, and opened the door in absolute triumph. That day, Sam and I opened the two windows, scratched the paint off the walls with two spatulas and went WILD. It must’ve been the only day Sam didn’t study.

Actually, no, now that I think about it, there was another time, when little ol’ ten-year-old Sam fell off a ledge and freakin’ broke his arm. I dumped him on Cole’s bike and pedaled to the hospital like a maniac. That was the first day he didn’t study.

Anyways, that apartment wall made our crappy little living situation a home. Our own sanctuary. We finally got agency over our lives, from staying up late, to choosing which type of dish soap we’d use because it smelled better and didn’t remind us of the terror chores once were. Eventually, we got soft blankets, books, board games, decorations… Finally, after 18 years, we’d started our lives.

I think one of my favorite memories would be coming home from my first date with a guy. I was just 18 and Benny, the dude, kissed me before I left, his fists clutching at my flannel. I was driving home with a giant, dopey-ass smile, stretching from one ear straight to the other. That same night, with new-found confidence, I told Sammy to drop his book, bought ourselves some beers and snacks, and drove to my favorite clearing.

There, right under the stars, with Sammy trying out his first beer, I told him I’m bisexual, and the cute bastard hugged me and told me he loved me no matter what. That same night, he thanked me for everything I did for him while living with John. We talked until the sun was rising.

I’ll tell you this right now, kid, in case you haven’t gotten it yet. I love Sam. Love him to bits. I raised that kid all on my own and will do anything to protect him. I know he cares for me, I know it kills him to see me like this, in a bed, pale, miserable and coughing every three seconds. I just want you to know, honey, that whatever you need, anything at all that, for some reason, you don’t want to tell Dad, you go to Sam, okay? You can trust him to be supportive, loyal, to be there for you when no one else is and to love you like you’re his own daughter and best friend. I promise you, he will always, always be there when I’m not.

That night made us grow so much closer. The lesson here, I’d say, is be bold and confident in what you believe in and who you are. Be your own, unique self, be brave, and love whoever you choose to fully and with your whole heart, without shame, ever. If you are yourself, I promise, you’ll find the people that love you for you, not the person you’re pretending to be. You’ll inspire other to be themselves.

A good example of this would be my best friend, Charlie. When I came out, I was armed to the teeth to deal with whoever wanted to bully me for that part of me. To tell you the truth, my school coming out was a mishap. It takes nothing but a risky make-out session in the janitor’s closet and nosey students that rip doors open far too violently. Nevertheless, I was literally out of the closet, fists up. And that’s exactly when I met Charlie.

With her comic book stories and her books, her bubbly personality and bright smile, she wiggled her way into our lives and permanently stayed there. She was a freshman when I was a senior, but she seemed to find sanctuary by my side, as I did by hers. She was just one of those people who clicked, you know? Far too mature and interesting for her age, with an obsession with computers, even back when they were barely even a thing.

She now lives with her long-term girlfriend, Gilda, who owns the best bakery in the state. Ask for the apple pie, you will not be disappointed.

Charlie demanded of me to tell you, first off, to watch Marvel and screw DC right to hell (with which I have to agree, though Batman still remains one of the coolest Superheroes of my childhood (and Joker, the coolest villain)). She also told me that, if you read this, go ask her for her comics, She’d love to let you borrow them and she’s certain you’ll love them. Second off, she asked of me to tell you the Impala story…

It’s not as grand as she makes it out to be, honestly. However this is the part where you’ll learn all about the one and only Bobby Singer.

Bobby was my boss, an old friend of dad’s John’s and the first person who ever saw the bruises under my sleeves. He gave me a job, a family, and later on… a car.

Bobby owns a scrapyard. He taught me everything I know about cars, including driving, and for my seventeenth birthday, he brought a dusty, beat-up car in my workspace. The hood was bent, the seats were torn, and the engine needed immediate replacing. The customer never paid the price for the compartments the garage had paid, so under store policy, the car was ours.

Hannah, I can’t exactly describe to you how long it took me to repair that car. Buying the spare parts and assembling them would’ve probably taken less time. I built her from the ground up, it took me almost a month and a half of daily, eight-to-six work, but I made it. I fixed her up. She was in prime condition, and I had completely fallen in love with her.

I finished working on her early January, dreading the moment I would see her drive away. Bobby had seen all the effort, by then I’d worked at his place for over a year. So, on the day of my birthday, I opened my locker to put on my jumpsuit, when I saw a box placed on my neatly folded clothes. I’m sure you’ve guessed it by now. Yes. It was the keys to my dream car. A beautiful, sleek, black 1967 Chevrolet Impala, the one I had brought back to life. And it was all mine.

I don’t think I’ve hugged Bobby any tighter since then. Hell, I don’t think I’ve hugged him period.

That car… That car is probably the most stable thing in my life, apart from Sam, obviously. I’ve cried in that car, I’ve escaped from my terrible past, I’ve laughed, I’ve had my first time, I’ve been through breakups and I’ve spent my best days with it. I cherish it more than any other item I know. It’s not even an item, it’s my baby. I love it almost as much as I love you.

I met your dad, and kissed him for the first time in that car.

It’s actually a pretty fucking hilarious story. Cas was on a date with this guy who was completely disgusting and creepy as hell, so in true  movie fashion he decided to, get this, jump out the bathroom window and escape.

Yeah.

So just as he was running out of the bar, the guy must’ve caught wind of him or something, because he stepped outside in order to find Cas. What did your dad decide to do, I hear you ask? He ducked behind a car in the parking lot, opened the first unlocked door he found, and jumped in.

Spoiler alert. It was my car.

I was sitting in the front seat, fighting with Sam through text when the door opened. It was highly comical, watching this guy duck behind the bench seat, mumbling “oh God, oh God, oh God, please don’t see me, oh God.” I cleared my throat.

“Oh, I see you, buddy.” That’s the first thing I told him. The look on his face and the genuine yelp, made me laugh a full belly laugh, and completely forget about my fight with Sam. He apologized profusely, explained panicked what had happened and begged me to stay in my car just for a couple minutes so the guy can lose him.

Long story short, we ended up going out ourselves. I don’t know how to explain it… we just clicked immediately. Like, there was a connection. Him and his big words, his baby blue eyes, his steady, deep and rough voice… I knew right away that all I wanted was to spend time with him, learn everything he was willing to share with me.

I’m so glad to have met your Dad. He was, is and always will be one of the best, kindest, most humble and genuine people on the planet. He sees the world from such a beautiful point of view that contradicts my eternal realism (he enjoys calling me pessimistic.) He’s a genuinely great person, and I can’t wait for you to figure so out yourself, if you haven’t already.

Of course, it wasn’t all fine and dandy. Meeting his parents was hellish. Let’s just say, Chuck and Naomi aren’t… the best people. They tried really, really hard to stop us from seeing each other, and eventually, they completely disowned Cas. He doesn’t like to talk about them much. His brother, Gabriel is an asshole, but a loveable one, while his other brother, Michael, you probably don’t know about. And you shouldn’t. Let’s just leave it at that. If Cas wants to share that story with you, he’ll do it at his own time.

I’m sure there’s a lesson to be learned here. Something about, when finding your person, to keep them, fight for them, don’t stop loving them because everyone else is telling you (unless of course that person is toxic). But I don’t think I can give you solid love advice through a dumb book. Every relationship is different, and your Dad’s better at this than me anyways.

--

I don’t know exactly how long this thing is, by this point, but I’ve almost finished the pages of this booklet. I was really, really worried I wouldn’t finish it in time, but here we are. However many thousand words later, and I’m clueless as to how to wrap this up.

My life isn’t over yet, however it looks like it soon will be. I will confess to you, I’m scared, but most of all I’m angry. I’m angry at the world, at life and fate, if that’s even a thing, at God even. I’ve fought my whole life for peace and quiet, and right when I have found it, it’s being ripped from under my feet. Cancer fucking sucks.

No matter, my chin is up, and so are my fists. Winchesters don’t give up easy. I will fight this until my last breath, even if the chance of watching you grow up and being able to tell you everything I’ve written face-to-face, is nothing but a sliver. After all, impossible odds were always my favorite.

Sweetheart… I don’t know what to say. This might be the only thing you have left of me for the rest of your life, and it tears me up inside. Of course, I will not be able to write thirty five years of experience in a small book such as this, but this is a part of me, memories you can keep all to yourself. Ask Dad or Sam about any of it, I’m sure they’ll fill some gaps, tell you things I haven’t written.

I don’t want you to cry much, even though I’m not sure you will at all, given the fact that you’ve never met me. Either way, whether you feel or think anything of me or not, I want you to know that I love you so much. I’ve only known you for a couple of months, and, already, you’re the brightest ray of sunshine in my life.

I promise I will be by your side no matter what happens, through every milestone and hardship, I will love you from wherever I am.

Honey, please stay true to yourself. Never give up, no matter what curveballs life throws at you. There’s always reason to keep going, even if you can’t see it. Always keep fighting, ‘till your last breath, ‘cause you’re a Winchester and you’ve absolutely got this.

If there is something I want you to remember from the scribbly mess I’ve made, it’s this:

I love you. I’m proud of you. I believe in you.

Go get ‘em, tiger.

 Bonus:

Tears streaming down velvety soft cheeks, dainty fingers gripping the book tightly, like her life depends on it, Hannah stares at the ceiling and groans at the mess she is. It’s the second time she read that last bit, and just as she thought she’d gotten over it, here she is, crying just as hard as the first.

She gets off her bed, pulling on her sweater sleeves. Feet in slippers, she makes her way down the corridor, knocking on the door, and opening when she gets an answer. Her fingers grip the doorknob, the other clutching the book, and she stares at the bed, watching as green eyes look up from his laptop.

“Why did you give this to me, you ass, you’re not dead,” she sobs, and Dean pushes his laptop to the side, arms opening wide to invite her in them.

“Aw honey,” he coos, a gentle, loving smile on his face. Hannah climbs on the bed and slides to his side, curling up in his arms. “It’s okay.” Fingers stroking her hair gently, as sobs wrack through the poor girl’s body. Dean almost feels bad.

Just then, Cas appears in the doorway, having heard Hannah’s cries. He sees the booklet clutched in her arms, her face buried in Dean’s neck, hidden behind her spring-curly hair. He makes eye contact with his husband, a knowing half-smile on his lips, as he leans on the doorway.

“I love you,” Hannah says, nose stuffed and running. “Thank you for not giving up on a relationship with me, even when you didn’t think you’ll survive.” Tears wet Dean’s eyes, as he presses a kiss on the crown of her head.

“I love you too.”

[imaginarybird]

Unwilling and unable to face everyone on her own when it comes time to attend Auggie and Ava’s wedding, Riley Matthews hires a solution in Lucas Friar. Loosely based on The Wedding Date.

Part One // Part Two // Part Three // Part Four // Part Five // Part Six // Part Seven // Part Eight // Part Nine

Rating: Around a PG 13/14

Notes: Well, I’d apologize how long it took to get this done and promise never to do it again but I think we all know it’s entirely possible given my track record. But I promise that I’m never gonna abandon the fic until it’s done so you will get an ending eventually. 

Continuing over from last chapter is a blanket content/trigger warning for  some non-graphic, veiled references to depression/suicide/death.

In this chapter, an explanation is given.

page break since they took the function away wtf tumblr 

“I wanna see what Claire can do.”

“I can’t do anything.”

“Now, everybody can do something.”

Lucas gets back to their room at the bed and breakfast about an hour after leaving the restaurant, and finds Riley curled up on the bed in a nest of blankets and pillows and watching The Breakfast Club on her laptop.

His first instinct after realizing that Riley had fled from the disaster of a party had been to try and call her cell phone, but that instinct had been proven faulty when, with one phone ringing up against his ear, Lucas had felt a second phone buzzing in the pocket of his khakis and remembered that Riley had asked him to hold onto hers due to a lack of pockets in her dress. She hadn’t retrieved the car from the valet and kids working there had insisted that they hadn’t seen her since they had dropped off the car at the start of the night (and Lucas had had plenty of time to ask around in the twenty minutes it had taken to retrieve the vehicle). With no way of reaching his client and no idea of where she might go aside from their hotel, he’d had no choice but to make the drive back and hope that she was already there or at the very least was safe wherever she ended up.

Finding her back in the room, safe and not completely devastated is a relief. He doesn’t know when exactly she decided to run or how much of Eric’s revelations she had heard, but he had been more than a little worried that the violation of her trust and humiliation would have been enough to do her in, regardless of the strides she had seemingly been making earlier in the day (and given exactly what Eric divulged the most irrational parts of Lucas’ brain had been busy visualizing exactly what he might find if it had for the entire ride home). Actually seeing her helps Lucas to breathe again.

Seeing her watching one of his favorite movies leaves him feeling a bit more even-footed with where she stands and how he might be able to be there for her moving forward.

The Breakfast Club has always been the visual equivalent of comfort food for Lucas--with just the right balance of humor and drama and everything else to not be too much no matter what mood he’s in, and helping him even things out and return to zero when he needs to. That Riley had gone back to the room and set to watching it after the night she had had leads him to believe that it holds a similar place in her heart. Just one more thing they seem to have in common.

She’s further in the movie than should be possible, but he reasons that she might have skipped ahead to a part that she wanted to watch.

He does that sometimes too.

Lucas kicks off his shoes at the door, only speaking when he’s seen her eyes on him so he knows he’s not starling her. “You made it back safe?” 

She glances down, blushing. “I ran down the street a bit to a bar and had them call me a cab.” She discloses softly. Her voice is strained, giving away that there had at least been some tears in the hour since they’ve seen each other. “I had some cash in my bra to pay them, and the manager here let me back into the room. I’m sorry I left.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t notice to come with you.” Lucas crosses the room, sitting on the edge of the bed. He doesn’t want to invade Riley’s space, particularly when he knows she’s feeling vulnerable, but he doesn’t want to talk from across the room either. Apologies shouldn’t come from a distance. Not if you mean them. “I let my curiosity get the better of me and I got distracted from what was really important.”

“No one with a pulse could look away from that fiasco.” Riley shakes her head, dismissing the amends. She pushes away from her makeshift nest and sits up. She’s still dressed for the party.“I needed to be alone for a little while anyway.” 

Given that it’s barely been an hour (less really if he factors in the time she spent getting back to the bed and breakfast) Lucas considers offering to go out and let her have her space for a while longer. It’s not that late and there are plenty of restaurants and bars in the area that stay open well into the night. Hell, he’d be happy just going to swim some laps somewhere and working out some of his own angry energy, vacillating under the surface over the damage that Riley’s so-called family have managed to cause her. If Riley needs time by herself, it would be easy to give it to her. 

“Do you want me to--,”

“Do you think it’s true?” Riley interrupts him. 

Her question comes in a soft, uncertain tone that doesn’t seem like a good fit on her to Lucas, and he realizes quickly that he’s not sure what she’s asking about; Cory and Eric had made a lot of claims while shouting at each other--any one of them might make her question things when she’s already vulnerable. “Do I think what’s true?”

“What they’re talking about…” She casts her eyes back to the laptop.

“It’s unavoidable. It just happens.”

“What happens?”

“When you grow up, your heart dies.”

“Do we all just...lose our ability to love and become our parents? Is that what’s waiting for us?”

OK. So maybe The Breakfast Club isn’t always the best choice for a movie. 

Lucas has always just found it comforting to see a group of kids he could really relate to opening up and being honest and finding small ways to buck at the system that’s strangling them, and he’s never gone down the path of wondering if there’s any truth to the cyclical nature of the world the characters are worried about.; since giving up on trying to please his family he’s been so certain that he’ll find a way to be better than them that he hasn’t had to. But for Riley--who had, as best as Lucas can discern, experienced her parents’ transition from loving and caring to conditional and dismissive--becoming some version of her parents is a very real fear. Of course it would be. 

He leans across her to press the spacebar and pause the movie, lest they go further down the existential rabbit hole (not to mention, he knows what confession is coming up and  while he can’t be sure if what Eric let slip about Riley’s state of mind when she left her family is true, Lucas hardly thinks an extra reminder on the subject will be helpful either way). “Riley,” he says as he draws back, “I’ve spent the last week wondering how outside of appearance you could possibly be related to your parents. Believe me, you’re nothing like them.”

“They never used to be like them either. I mean...when I was little, they were great. It’s just that the older I got...I didn’t need them in the same way and they didn’t understand me and they just...stopped trying. They drifted further and further, and put their focus on the people they thought needed it more. And then when I stopped following their plans and making the choices they thought were best for me...it was like I stopped being their daughter at all. I was just...the disappointment who shared their DNA.”

Riley tears her eyes away from the frozen movie. She only glances at him before looking down at her fidgeting hands, but it’s just long enough for Lucas to see the pain she’s grappling with. 

“Lucas, the idea that one day I might hurt someone like that, that I might do that to my child...It’s terrifying.”

“If there is one thing I am 100% certain about all of this, it’s that you are in no way capable of being that awful to someone.” Lucas can’t entirely explain his confidence given that he’s only been around for a few days to observe her, but he knows--just knows-- that Riley’s not the sort of person who could hurt someone the way her family has hurt her. Even unintentionally. He doesn’t believe for a second that she has enough malice in her heart to treat anyone that poorly and he can’t bear the thought of her spending any time whatsoever doubting and torturing herself over something that could never happen. “You are, without question, a bigger and better person than the people who raised you.”

“You can’t possibly know that.”

“Of course I can. Do you think for one second that if the situation were different, and your parents had to walk into a lion’s den like this that they could show up with a smile on their face and not cause a scene? Do you think they’d bother to show up at all?”

“I only came back because Auggie asked me to.” Riley shakes her head in protest. “That doesn’t make me better than them.”

Lucas lays a hand on top of hers, partly to reassure her that he’s not buying into her argument, and partly to ground himself; he’s here with Riley and helping her and as long as that’s the case, he doesn’t have to, and in fact can’t, give into his anger over the self-doubts her family has caused. “You came back for Auggie, even though you knew dealing with just about everyone else would be awful, because he’s your brother and you love him and you would have felt terrible letting him down. In a similar position, would your parents have made the same sacrifice? Would Josh and Maya? Or anyone else here?”

Riley doesn’t give him an answer.

“That’s what makes you better than them. You’re here in an impossibly difficult situation, standing tall in the face of all this...shit being thrown at you and barely sending a single angry word back, even though some of these people really deserve it. You are so strong and open and caring...There’s not a doubt in my mind that it would be impossible for you to turn into your parents, even if you wanted to.”

“I wish I had your confidence.”

Lucas takes in everything--Riley’s softness and the way her eyes flick down to their joined hands and her teeth worrying at the corner of her lip--and he feels his heart clench. It hadn’t taken him long after meeting her for Lucas to realize just how much Riley really had going for her, leaving him wondering why she needed to use an escort like him the first place, but the more he’s gotten to know her, the more painfully obvious it’s become that she just doesn’t see the same strengths in herself that he can see in her.

He brushes his thumb across the back of her hand, pressing down gently. “Riley, do you trust me?”

“Of course I trust you.”

Riley’s gentle smile and forehead crinkled ever-so-slightly in confusion plow into Lucas and it’s all he can do to keep himself from closing the short distance between them and drawing her into another kiss. It’s not the time, Friar. She’s had a roller coaster of a night and she doesn’t need your feelings mucking it up even more. Besides, she’s a client. Whatever you think is there, it’s not. He settles for fully taking his hand in his and squeezing. “Then trust that I’m telling you the truth and that I’m seeing the best in you, even when you can’t.”

Riley’s eyes slide closed. She takes a deep, controlled breath, her head tilting backwards as she exhales, shaking her head ever so slightly.

“What’s wrong?” Lucas frowns. He’s not sure what reaction he was expecting, but this isn’t it. Riley seems almost pained.

“People don’t say things like that.” Riley says. She brings her head back down, opening wet eyes to look at him again. Thumbing at the tears that are threatening to spill over, she looks away just as quickly, her gaze landing on her lap. “Not to me.”

Lucas doesn’t think about what he’s doing. He just wants Riley to look at him. To understand that these aren’t just lines he says to any old client. That he 100% means what he’s saying. 

He reaches over with his free hand, easing Riley’s chin up with the knuckle of his bent finger. “Then you haven’t been talking to the right people.”

Riley’s eyes go wide, but she doesn’t blink. Her jaw twitches, but she doesn’t open her mouth. Whatever response is lying in wait on her tongue, she swallows around it.

“Riley, you are...extraordinary.” Lucas says, his hand still hovering just beneath her chin. “And I don’t understand how nobody here sees it, or why the people in your life aren’t tripping over themselves every day to tell you, but you are. You have to believe that you are.”

Riley blinks. Her eyes flick down, then lock on his. She doesn’t speak. Several moments pass.

“I know it’s not-,”

“They all think I’m selfish. Self-centered.” Riley blurts out. She ducks away from his hand, pulling her own arm back. “Half the time I think they’re right.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

Riley speaks after taking a deep breath. “I met Charlie Gardner in preschool. And even back then he was a charmer.” 

“Momma! Daddy! Come meet Char-lee!” Riley runs to meet her parents at the door of the classroom. It’s not every day that she gets to have both of her parents at the same time--they both have a lot of responsibilities (her dad told her that was a grown-up word for doing things you don’t like instead of what you really want to be doing)--but today was her first day of preschool so it was special. She has so much to tell them about her day about all of the games they played and nap time and the snacks, but most of all she wants them to meet Charlie.

She grabs onto their hands and pulls them across the room, almost running into a partially constructed block tower and stumbling a little over an abandoned doll to the small table in the corner where she and Charlie have been coloring. 

“Char-lee, this is my mom and my dad. I call them momma and daddy, but they’re not your parents, so you can just call them their names. Cor-ee and Tuh-pan-guh.”

Charlie stops his drawing and holds out his hand “‘S nice to meet you.”

“And it’s lovely to meet you.” Her mom shakes his hand with a smile. 

Riley grins back. “Momma, Daddy, this is my boyfriend Char-lee.”

“Your what now?”

“Mr. Cory,” Charlie turns to her dad with a serious expression on his face, “when Riley is a grown-up lady, can I marry her?” “Sounds familiar.” Lucas comments when Riley reaches an obvious break in her story.

Riley nods. “Everyone thinks so. Charlie and I ‘dated’,” and here she puts finger quotes, “through kindergarten, when his parents got divorced and he moved with his mom out of the city. I missed him a lot, but it wasn’t long before I had plenty to distract me.”

It’s the first recess on the first day of first grade and Riley’s enjoying herself, picking some of the flowers growing at the edge of the playground fence. Most of her class is over on the blacktop playing a game of tag, or taking turns on the swingset, but no one had asked her to join them. She doesn’t really mind. She and Charlie hadn’t played a lot with the rest of the class last year so it’s not like she’s missing anything, and she’s used to making her own fun.

“Reminiscin’ this and that and havin’ such a good time,

“Oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally, golly what a day.”

She skips along, plucking a flower every few steps and singing a song from one of her favorite movies., not a care in the world. Then a little down the ways she spots another girl, blonde, with messy pigtail braids and scruffy pink jeans, climbing around the monkey bars by herself. Riley doesn’t think she’s ever seen her before.

 A new girl playing by herself who doesn’t even look like she’s having fun? That’s just not right. 

Riley bounds over to the monkey bars, and when the blonde swings down to the ground, Riley grins and thrusts her makeshift bouquet into her face. “Hi, I’m Riley! I brought you these.”

The girl blinks at Riley, looks down at the flowers as she takes them from Riley’s outstretched hand, and back at Riley before she smiles. She’s missing a tooth. “Maya Penelope Hart.”

“Maya and I were fast friends.” Riley pulls her knees up to her chest, looping her arms around them and resting her chin. “Inseparable. By Christmas she was like one of the family. If I did something Maya was there, and if Maya did something… well most of the time I was trying to stop her or getting dragged along for the ride.”

“Bit of troublemaker?”

“No. I mean….yeah, she did a lot of stupid stuff and had attitude that could power a small city if science could figure out how to convert it. Still does, from what I can tell. But really she was just a kid whose family didn’t have a lot of money and whose parents didn’t get along all that well and then her dad just up and left one day...she was angry and hurt and decided that if she made herself tough enough nothing else would hurt her.

“She had her problems but everyone does. And I was brought up that friendship means sticking with a person and setting an example. Giving and doing everything you could to help them grow into a better version of themselves.”

An admirable standard, Lucas thinks, but a lot to lay across the shoulders of a kid. Especially one with an already open heart. “That sounds like a lot to live up to.”

“It was. But it didn’t always feel like it. It just felt like... I had a best friend.”

“What’s your favorite color?”

Riley looks at Maya across the lunch table; all day her friend has been asking these sorts of questions --favorite animal, favorite tv show, favorite tv character--and Riley can’t figure out why, all of a sudden, after three months of friendship Maya is curious about that sort of thing. “Oh, I like every color.”

Maya shakes her head. “Yeah, but if you had to pick one. Or maybe two. Three tops.”

“Hmm…” Riley considers the options carefully. Favorite colors are no joking matter. “Blue. And red. And purple!”

“Interesting. Very interesting.”

A week later, at Riley’s birthday lunch, Maya hands her what used to be a plain white envelope, but that has been decorated with Maya’s somewhat familiar art style and is covered with cats and bunnies and flowers. Riley opens the envelope very carefully to preserve the art (much to Maya’s impatience) and finds a braided bracelet.

 A friendship bracelet. Like Riley’s seen some of the older girls at school exchange. It’s her favorite gift of the day.

Lucas shifts so he’s sitting next to Riley on the bed, feet up and off the floor; this is shaping up to be a lengthy conversation and he wants to be comfortable for it. “It sounds like you were really close.”

“Thunder and Lightning, that was us.” Riley confirms. “We never really had a big friend group but we always had each other, and it was all we needed. My family loved her and welcomed her with open arms even when she was getting into trouble… They all liked to say that she was the Shawn to my Cory.”

It shouldn’t surprise Lucas to hear the comparison--to have it officially confirmed that people were laying the weight of not one extraordinary, one in a million, relationship across Riley’s shoulders, but two--yet it somehow still leaves him stunned. Most of the adults he knows can’t handle living in the shadow of something like that, and she’s been dealing with it for over twenty years...And from all sides it seems like. “From what you told me that’s an impossible standard.”

“I was little and it was the story I had been told all my life. I just...thought I was lucky.” Riley shakes her head. “That I had such great examples in my parents and had found  a good person so I was able to build a friendship as great as my dad and Shawn’s, and I’d keep it as long as I put the work in.”

But something went wrong along the way. Obviously. Riley would almost certainly rather get a root canal than deal with Maya and the barbs Maya sends her way are far from the light teasing of a best friend, even distanced by time. She’s been downright hostile, and those on Riley’s side like Auggie and Eric are more than happy to return the favor. “So what changed?”

“For a long time, nothing. Maya and I were best friends. In middle school Charlie’s mom got remarried and he ended up back in the city at our school and it was like he’d never been gone. We got back together and everything was perfect.”

The parallels now are more than blatant and Lucas can see where the next bit of pressure will come in, but Riley keeps talking so he doesn’t get a chance to say anything. 

“I had my Shawn in Maya, my Topanga in Charlie.... I even had my own Minkus in Farkle.”

The names click together in Lucas’ mind. “Wait. That was really Farkle Minkus belting out Queen back there?” He had, of course, thought that the impossibly skinny man he had caught glimpses of on the stage while trying to help Eric and Shawn wrangle Cory looked familiar, but had dismissed his idea as a trick of the eye and mistaken identity. After all, why would the heir to one of the world’s richest and most innovative technology companies be at a party for a comparatively small wedding in Cape Cod?

“His parents went to school with mine. And then he went to school with me. Auggie’s not super close with him or anything but they were always friendly and our families our close enough to merit an obligation invite. And apparently an obligation attendee.”  From the rain clouds in Riley’s eyes that seem to shift and darken with her explanation, Lucas ascertains that there are likely problems between her and Farkle as well, though perhaps not quite as contentious as those with Maya or her family. “Anyway, he was one of our little group of misfits. Farkle, Maya, Charlie, and me.

“For a couple years, the four of us did everything together. Maya and I were best friends, Charlie really helped Farkle come out of his shell, I think we all helped Maya grow into a more hopeful, happier person... and Charlie and I were in love. At least, as much as you can be at that age.” Riley stops talking, casting her eyes down.

It doesn’t take a genius to see that the story is about to take the turn that truly starts the trouble; all the seeds have been planted, all they need is a good rainstorm to sprout up into a craptastic garden of problems. Lucas prompts her softly when she doesn’t restart her story. “Then what happened?”

Riley looks up, with an expression that Lucas can’t quite read on her face. “Maya’s world crashed down.”

It takes Riley a moment to notice the persistent tapping at her window. She’s half asleep, having gone to bed nearly twenty minutes ago, but when her brain finally registers the sound her eyes snap open. Her parents insist that she keeps her bay window locked at night, and her friends normally respect the curfew, but it is their preferred entrance to the apartment so she knows if someone is showing up late at night, something major has happened.

Sure enough, in the glow of her novelty bunny night light, she can just make out Maya on the other side of the glass.  Riley’s out of bed, unlocking the window in an instant.

“Maya--,”

“Can I stay here for a while?” Maya cuts her off, blowing past her as she crawls through the window to. She quickly stands and starts to pace at the foot of the bed. 

“Of course.” Riley nods, trying to keep track of Maya’s whirlwind pace. Her friend doesn’t have a bag with her, which makes her think that she decided to leave her place suddenly, and a part of her wonders if Maya had bothered to let Katy know that she was leaving, let alone where she was going. “You know you’re always welcome here. But why? I thought tonight was the night.”

Maya stops in her tracks, facing away from Riley. “Shawn said no. Mom asked, and he said no and they broke up.” She turns around, her face scrunching up as she tries and fails to contain her tears. “My mom and Shawn broke up.” 

“Wait.” Lucas blinks, trying and not quite managing to process the information. “Are you talking about your dad’s Shawn? He dated Maya’s mom?”

Riley seems to consider her answer for a brief moment. “Shawn and Maya have a lot in common. When they met he connected with her right away. I think he probably saw himself--who he was when he was a kid--in her and wanted to help her see that things could get so much better than what she was feeling. Hanging around more to be there for that led to him meeting Katy and after a little bit of contention, there were sparks, so they started dating. But…” 

“But?” Lucas probes. It takes him a brief study of her face as he waits for her to continue to realize that her careful consideration of her words isn’t reticence to share on the subject, but her thinking about all of the past events and relationships, probably applying a mature and further outside perspective than she could have managed as a teen. 

“But while Katy was falling in love with one of the first stand-up guys to walk into her and Maya’s life, and Maya was starting to think of Shawn as her dad and that she and her mom were gonna get a happy ending and have a family, Shawn was...I think he was enjoying being the hero and the mentor. Not a lot of people have ever looked at him like that. And when we were sophomores and Katy asked him to move in, he realized that they were on separate pages, and he couldn’t stay in the relationship. He said no and broke things off to do the right thing.”

Ouch. Lucas has been on both sides of that break up before and it’s not a good place. You either feel like a moron for not being able to read your partner and see what they’re feeling, or like a grade-A jerk for being the one to break their heart; he can’t imagine being a kid who thought they were getting a family out of it all and finding out that that was never really in the cards. “I’m guessing Maya didn’t see things that way.” 

“No she didn’t.” Riley shakes her head. “And the fallout was bad.”

“You gave Maya an F on her term paper?!” Riley storms into her dad’s classroom just after school lets out, unable to control her disbelief and anger after her friend had sullenly begged out of their afternoon  plans, apparently due to her mother grounding her via text after Riley’s dad had called to give her an update on Maya’s latest school troubles. “And a week of in-school suspension?! You know yours is one of the only classes that she even bothers to try in anymore and if you fail her she’s--,”

“I gave Maya an incomplete,” her father corrects, the picture of calm as he puts down his pen on top of the quizzes he’s grading and removes his reading glasses, “because she turned in an essay that she bought online that I’ve  already read three times this year from other kids. And instead of turning her into the Honor Committee like I did the other students , I gave her the in-school suspension to serve in the library to give her the opportunity to write the paper properly and get an actual grade on it.”

“Maya wouldn’t--,” Riley stops herself this time.  Because she knows her protest would be a lie. The Maya from last year, or even just three months ago wouldn’t have considered cheating and buying an essay , but the Maya that’s been showing her face with increasing frequency lately almost certainly would. She sighs, feeling her ire rush out of her chest in a flood. 

Maya had been steadily improving since middle school. Trying hard in all of her classes, building a good relationship with her mom, talking about paths she might take after school--some of which even included attending college.

But ever since Katy and Shawn broke up, it’s like Maya’s forgotten every bit of growth she’s made.  She’s rebuilt her tough shell and attitude in record time, shutting everyone but Riley out (and sometimes even her). She’s skipping out on homework and classes, and Riley knows a few people have said that she’s been starting to circle around some of the school’s most notorious burnouts… Nothing Riley has tried has gotten through to her, and she knows everyone’s waiting for things to go back to normal. For her to get things back to normal.

“Dad, I don't know what to do. I don’t know how to help her.”

Her dad leans back in his chair. “Riley, you know how hard it is for people like Maya and Shawn to admit that they want something, and then to have hope dangled in front of her only to have it snatched away...that’s not easy to deal with. She’s hurting in a big way, and it’s not going to disappear overnight.” 

“But I’m her best friend! I know I can’t make it all go away but it’s my job to make sure she gets through it.” 

“She needs to see that even though she didn’t get this, that doesn’t mean she’ll never get anything she wants.” Her dad advises. “You need to give her a win.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Lucas blinks, shaking his head in disbelief, convinced that he can’t possibly have heard Riley right. Because there’s no way that a grown man--a teacher--Riley’s father had actually told her it was her job to make her friend’s dreams come true so she would get back onto the straight and narrow; that’s just not what people do. 

Riley repeats Cory’s recommendation.

“That is...wow.” Lucas just manages to stop the first word that comes to mind, that word being insane, from coming right out of his mouth and casting too much judgement over the situation. Riley’s affect hasn’t changed much from that of a mostly neutral storyteller thus far and it’s hard to read how she feels about what her dad had advised her to do. Given that she’s choosing to trust him and open up (and hadn’t she said something about only a couple of people having heard the whole story?) the last thing he wants is to do or say anything that will make her regret or rethink the decision. “I mean, maybe my perspective is a little skewed since my dad would have given me the exact opposite advice and tell me to cut all ties if I had a friend acting like that but…”

“It’s OK if you want to say it’s crazy.” Riley says. She pushes herself off the bed and heads over to her suitcase, continuing to speak as she opens it and digs through its contents. “It is crazy. No reasonable person puts the burden of one person’s happiness and success on their sixteen-year-old’s ability to make that person’s life magically come together.”

“I mean....it’s not great.”

“Unfortunately, that’s not how I saw it back then. I just tried everything I could to keep Maya afloat and find out what she wanted so I could find a way to give it to her. I dragged Farkle and Charlie into it too.”

“It sounds like it took a while.” 

Pajamas in hand, Riley crosses to the bathroom and steps inside, though she leaves the door cracked and continues talking as she changes. “Til August before junior year.” She confirms. “Our class went on this team-building hiking trip thing right before school started.” 

It’s not the best start to junior year.  Oh, the hiking trip at Mount Sun was supposed to be all fun and games, a nice way for the class to have one last weekend of fun before the stress of AP courses and college prep kicks in.  But that’s not how it’s worked out so far. 

For one thing, it’s hard to have too much fun when both of your parents are there to chaperone. Not that she doesn’t love them and love spending time with them, but the trip was supposed to be her opportunity to have a few days away from the constant prodding about how she’s doing on the Maya front  (and maybe actually get to sit down with Maya, who has been dodging her for most of the summer, and have a real talk about what’s going on with her) not to mention a chance  for her and Charlie to catch up after a month of Skype dates while he went out of the city to visit his dad.  

Neither is very easy with her parents hovering.  

And her plans only get further dashed when, while bringing her bag upstairs to her assigned room, Riley had tripped and wrenched her knee on the steps, leaving her unable to participate in all of the planned activities.  Instead she’s been laid up with ice packs in the window seat of the lobby, watching her friends and classmates complete trust exercises in the front yard, chatting with lodge employees, and reading  once her class had moved on to other activities. 

It’s not the fun weekend she’d been looking forward to, although it improves a little when everyone returns to the lodge for dinner and even more when the chaperones make themselves scarce from the  game room  (and Riley’s trying very hard to pretend she did not hear her parents talking about making use of the lodge hot tub) and a fairly large game of truth or dare gets underway. 

Truth or dare is by no means her favorite party game, but if it lets her actually spend some time with her friends and not sit around by her lonesome, Riley is more than willing to dive in. 

“Truth.” Even if diving in means being at the mercy of Missy Bradford and her devious little smirk. 

“Did you and Charlie send each other any special pictures while he was away this summer?”

Riley refuses to blush at the implication. “Charlie and I don’t need to resort to sex to feel close to each other, if that’s what you’re implying.” From next to her, Charlie rests his hand on top of hers.

“So that’s a no.” 

“Not everyone has to take their clothes off to get boys interested in them.” Maya snarks and Riley feels a rush of optimism for her ability to help her friend; they may not have spent as much time together over the summer but at least she’s still jumping in to defend Riley. 

Missy purses her lips. “That’s not what I’ve heard.”

Yindra and Dave jump in to get the game back on track before things can get too heated, and a few innocuous lighthearted rounds go by before Darby targets Charlie for her turn, and Charlie picks dare..

“I dare you...to kiss someone other than Riley.”

Charlie immediately draws his hand back from Riley’s. 

The room titters; everyone there knows that Charlie was Riley’s first kiss--both the innocent peck of a kindergarten romance and the version that counted when they rekindled things in middle school--and since they’ve only had a few brief periods of turmoil where they weren’t actually dating, it’s generally assumed that neither of them have kissed anyone else. Even if just in the context of a game, this would be a big deal.

Riley trusts Charlie, knows their relationship is strong and comfortable and that a kiss given on a dare is not the same as a kiss you choose to give someone, so she gives him a small smile and nods her assent when he looks over at her, as though to make sure she’s OK with him fulfilling the challenge.

He nods back and returns the smile before turning back and scanning the room.

Riley only starts to feel funny about the whole endeavor when Charlie’s eyes lock with Maya’s. 

Lucas can guess where this is going. After all, it’s hard to forget Auggie’s comments from the confrontation on their first night there. “Tell me he didn’t…”

“Didn’t what?” Riley asks, coming out of the bathroom in her pajamas with her dress bunched in one hand. “Shove his tongue down Maya’s throat? No, it was nothing quite that dramatic.”

Riley sees the whole scene almost as if she’s floating above herself. 

Charlie inches into the middle of the circle of players on his knees and leans across to Maya. He sweeps her hair behind one ear, cupping her cheek. They draw closer together, lips parted, eyes closed.  And then they kiss. Not a brief peck, but a soft, lingering moment. 

Riley can see the way Maya’s shoulders tense. She starts to bring her hand up to Charlie’s chest at the same time that he starts to run his fingers through her hair, although immediately afterwards they both seem to remember where they are and who they’re with and they practically jolt apart. They stare at each other, breathing heavily as they draw their hands back.

The whole room watches, fixated.

It’s obvious, Riley notes while trying to school her emotions, that something more than a kiss for Truth or Dare just happened. There’s a sudden electricity lingering between Maya and Charlie--a connection or chemistry that goes further than the friendship and playful antagonism she’s noted between them before; because if anything they’ve always seemed like brother and sister to her, but what she just saw was definitely not something between faux-siblings. 

Her mind races, trying to process, but she’s all too aware that now is not the time for her to react. Anything other than a calm acceptance will have her classmates labelling her as jealous or juvenile.; more than that, she doesn’t want to make matters with Maya worse by making her think that she’s mad at her. 

So when Charlie finally returns to his spot next to her in the circle, Riley offers what she hopes is a smile of reassurance, and briefly squeezes his hand.

By the time Riley has finished this part of her story, she’s finished putting her clothes away and is glancing around the room. It takes Lucas a moment to realize that she’s trying to find something else to do while they talk; they’re at the part of the story where things are starting to go wrong and she’s maybe nervous of how he’ll react or embarrassed by it all  or she just doesn’t like to talk about it but it’s all manifesting as restless energy, regardless of how drained she was earlier. Or she’s just eager to not have to look directly at him while she talks. 

Either way, she’ll quickly run out of distractions in their small room, and he has a feeling if that happens, she’ll keep carrying the whole weight of her past entirely on her own. 

“It’s still pretty warm out.” He comments off-handedly, glancing towards the door towards their room’s little porch overlooking the beach. “Want to walk while we talk?”

Riley nods. “Yeah. That sounds nice.” 

A quick hop over their porch railing later and they’re down on the beach, walking away from the lights of the various hotels and inns at the top of the beach to the moonlit shoreline, cool sand pressing beneath their toes. Lucas decides that his best choice is to not push Riley further. He waits for her to speak and they walk several minutes in silence before she continues recounting her past. 

“I sat there for a few more rounds of the game, long enough that no one would think I was leaving because of the kiss, before I left saying my knee was hurting and I wanted to go get some more ice and aspirin from my parents and go to bed. I did go up to my room, but I just wanted to think.

“And I thought myself in circles. I knew Charlie wasn’t cheating--he’d been nothing but adoring and faithful our entire relationship--but he and Maya were obviously much closer than I realized and that closeness wasn’t what I thought it was. I couldn’t figure out if they really liked each other or if it was just that physical chemistry some people have...I didn’t know how any of it really came to be or what it meant for me and Charlie. I loved him with my whole heart, but he was clearly attracted on some level to Maya… I finally decided I needed to find my mom and talk to her about it and see what she thought.”

“Topanga, I don’t know what to do.”

Riley stops in her tracks, a few steps up from the bottom of the stairs, when she hears her best friend’s voice.  Before leaving her room she’d heard plenty of classmates returning to their own rooms as curfew was imposed; Maya hadn’t shown up in their shared space, but Riley assumed that was just her friend  doing her rebellion thing, looking around parts of the lodge they weren’t supposed to be in, not her taking the same chance Riley wanted to capitalize on for some private advice with her mother. Topanga was the chaperone spending a little extra time downstairs to make sure no students were breaking curfew and making trouble, so it should have been the perfect opportunity.

“I’m a little lost. Start from the beginning and tell me everything and we’ll see what we can figure out.”

Eavesdropping is wrong. Riley knows that. But she’s been confused about Maya and her behavior for months now, and to throw her kiss with Charlie on top of it...she’ll take any piece of information she can get, however she can get it. She stays frozen on the stairs, out of sight of Maya and her mom.

“Well, you know how Riley and Charlie and Farkle have all been trying to fix me?”

“That’s not what they’re trying to--,”

Maya blows right through whatever assurance Topanga is trying to offer. “Because of that, Charlie and I have been talking a lot more.  Texting and skyping all summer… We’ve gotten way closer. I just… he understands where I’m coming from so much better than Riley or Farkle. His parents had their divorce and things are still really messy there and...it feels like we have this connection.”

“A connection like you and Riley, or more like you and Josh?”

“Like me and Josh.” The words rush out. “I know it’s awful. He’s been Riley’s boyfriend for forever and they’re in love but there’s just something about talking to him and seeing him and being around him that’s so...good. And then tonight we kissed…”

“Oh Maya…”

“Not like that! The class was playing truth or dare, and Charlie got dared to kiss someone other than Riley, and Riley was right there and she told him it was OK so he started to look around the room and his eyes landed on mine and for a moment it felt like we were the only two people in the room. We kissed and it was like this fire ignited in my chest, it felt so good. I’ve never had a kiss feel like that. And I know he felt something too… But I just feel so awful. 

“I know nobody was cheating or breaking trust or anything but I know Riley and I know she only thought it was OK for him to do the dare because she thought the kiss wouldn’t mean anything, but then it was this amazing kiss and there were sparks and my stupid crush that I already felt horrible about is now this big ball of feelings.” Maya practically spits the word though her voice is starting to become thick with tears. “And I can’t ever do anything about them, even if Charlie feels the same way, because he’s Riley’s boyfriend. If they break up it’s not like they’ve only been on a date or two. They’ve been together for years, and Riley loves him so much, so I would never be able to be with him. 

“And I know I have to be OK with that because that’s life and that’s always been the way my life goes anyways so I shouldn’t be surprised, but...kissing Charlie felt right. It felt so right, and now it all hurts so bad.”

Maya starts to cry. Riley can hear her mom trying to soothe her friend, and pictures her drawing her into her arms to offer comfort. Deciding that she’s heard enough, Riley turns around to hobble up the stairs (hopefully silently), her own heart breaking as she starts to move. 

Whether it’s for her friend’s heartache or some other reason, she’s not entirely sure.

“All of that came as such a shock.” Riley confides. “Maya and Charlie’s relationship had always been...contentious. When he moved back to the city and we started dating she didn’t like that she wasn’t the only person in my world anymore, and he was the sort of guy that was never mean or anything but had this way of casually flaunting things. So they would butt heads a lot, even though over time it got much more good-natured. But they never seemed like they were getting particularly close.”

“I mean, it does sound like there were at least some elements of their relationship that they were hiding from you.” Lucas points out. “If they had been talking all summer and neither of them mentioned it to you...Usually a secret like that is a sign that they know it’s more than just talking and they’re feeling guilty about it.”

Riley nods, crossing her arms over chest. “That’s where I eventually landed after a lot of thought. For whatever reason, they hadn’t wanted me to know the whole picture. And suddenly I had it anyway. But I also knew Maya was trying to hold her feelings back and be a good friend, and Charlie was never the one to initiate the breaks in our relationship, even if it was an issue with him that was causing our problems, so somehow it was up to me to decide what to do.”

There are really only a couple of options that Lucas can see. Either Riley chose to break up with Charlie, fracturing the friend group (it’s only logical that he would drift away from the group without Riley to tether him to the others) or Riley chose to stay with him but it eventually came out that she knew about Maya’s feelings for him, prompting the idea that somehow she’s selfish for putting her own feelings first. Either way, he can see how the emotional fallout from such a choice could start to build the rifts that have been festering for ten years. 

“I didn’t figure out what that was until the next morning.”

Breakfast is...awkward, to say the least. 

Riley, Charlie, Maya, and Farkle have grabbed food from the buffet and settled in the far corner of the dining hall, away from everyone else. No one is talking. Well… no one but Farkle is talking. Which might be a product of the fact that he appears to be the only one there who has gotten any sleep, or because he’s never been one able to stew in an uncomfortable silence.

“I wonder if they’ll cancel today’s hike or have us go anyways.” He comments, glancing towards a window where rain is pounding against the glass. “I’m not sure everyone brought rain gear. The forecast when we were packing said that today would be partly cloudy.”

Nobody answers him. He continues talking anyways. 

“Of course, if we really wanted to know when it was going to rain we could get a bee colony and observe their behavior. A study in China determined that honeybees increase their activity and production the day before a rainstorm. They think that the bees are able to register changes in barometric pressure and in the….”

Riley feels slightly bad tuning out her longtime friend while she considers the conundrum sitting across her shoulders, but she reasons that finding a solution to the emotional entanglements that leaves everyone in her friend group content is more important to her than the activity patterns of bees.  So she ignores Farkle’s nervous babble and attempts to subtly study her friends, hoping a solution will jump out at her.

She starts with her boyfriend.

Charlie sits across from her. He’s resting his elbows on the table as he eats. He’s pale, the way he gets when he doesn’t get enough sleep (last year when his parents were renegotiating their custody agreement he had seemed to be a permanent shade of milk), and he’s mostly just staring at his plate. When he does look up, he’s very deliberate with his gaze, Riley thinks.; his eyes go to either the window or to her. Nowhere else. 

Then there’s Maya.

Her best friend looks absolutely miserable. Puffy, bloodshot eyes, hair up in a  messy knot instead of one of her normal intricate styles...she’s stirring her oatmeal and letting it drip from the spoon back into the bowl rather than eating it. Riley doesn’t know what advice her mother gave Maya after she had made her escape, but she knows that Maya has been silently gluing herself to her side this morning, distancing herself from Charlie as much as possible. 

The pair are very blatantly avoiding each other,  but when the boys had been coming downstairs that morning Riley had seen a moment where their eyes had met. It had been less than a second before they looked away and Charlie had hurried to reach Riley and greet her with their normal kiss on the cheek, and she’s fairly certain they haven’t looked at one another since. Which tells a story in and of itself. 

Riley thinks. Even though they hadn’t acted on anything outside of the game last night, it’s clear that something is happening between Maya and Charlie. She knows Maya felt whatever connection they had come to life when they kissed for the dare, and based on the way he’s acting, it’s probably reasonable to guess that the same is true for Charlie. At the same time, she knows Charlie has heard her parents’ story and spotted all the parallels it has to their relationship; he’s said more than once how great it is that they’ve found each other as early as her parents had and had their example to guide them, and if she lets him, Riley figures he’ll treat this problem as their own version of her father’s ski lodge affair--a hurdle, but something they can get past with a little angst.

Meanwhile it looks like Maya is willing to break her own heart further to let Riley and Charlie stay together. And Riley can only imagine what path that anguish will lead Maya down.

The very thought grabs at her heart. She’s supposed to be helping Maya find her hope and joy again, not making things worse. She’s supposed to be finding Maya a win.

Just like that, Riley knows what she has to do.

“The whole thing is actually really strange, because honeybees hoard resources and they wouldn’t need to--,”

“Farkle,” Riley interrupts his impromptu lecture softly. She pushes her plate away, and rests her hands, one on top of the other, on the table. “Can you give us a moment, please?”

Or, Lucas realizes, there was a third option. One where Riley ignored her own feelings in favor of following an extreme version of her dad’s ridiculous advice, and gave Maya something that she wanted. He can honestly say he’s dumbfounded. For one, because he truly can’t fathom that anyone would be quite so selfless as to do that, but for another, Riley doesn’t exactly sound sad or like she regrets doing it--she’s just...tired. 

“I don’t get it.” He says without much thought. “Did you realize right then that you didn’t love him anymore? Or that Maya’s happiness was actually the secret to stopping global warming or something?”

“What?” Riley stops and looks at him, furrowing her brow.

“I’m sorry I just...I can understand breaking up with someone you still love even though you know he’d stay because you’re pretty sure he has feelings for someone else. Or maybe giving your friend permission to date someone that you don’t love anymore. But I don’t understand giving your friend and your ex of sixty seconds your blessing to explore their feelings. All because your friend hadn’t gotten anything she wanted in a long time and was acting out?”

Riley crosses her arms over her chest, her posture stiffening. Belatedly, Lucas realizes that he’s started passing and sharing judgement, despite the fact that from what he can tell, she doesn’t deserve the judgement and doesn’t need any added pressure coming from him. He opens his mouth to apologize correct himself but Riley beats him to it. 

“I was stuck between two relationships.” She says. She casts her eyes down to the sand, where they stay. “Between two people I loved so much. A guy that could maybe be the person I married one day, and the girl that was my best friend. I didn’t want to lose either of them.”

“Riley…”

Riley starts walking, and Lucas hurries to keep up. “So I started doing the math. The odds of me meeting my soulmate in preschool and dating and marrying him and having kids and everything working out like my parents did...one in a million at best. That’s just not how it happens for people. But the odds of Maya and I staying best friends…? Those were a lot better. I mean, it’s still not super common but there are way more examples of childhood friends going through life together.”

“So you decided to kill two birds with one stone. Dive into what you thought was likely inevitable and break up with Charlie, and do what your dad told you was best and give Maya a reason to hope again by getting her a real chance at something she wanted.” Lucas fills in. “You didn’t want to lose them.”

She nods. “Happy people are less likely to leave. They had feelings for each other, and they weren’t going to do anything about them and eventually they weren’t going to want to deal with how ignoring them felt. Telling Charlie I didn’t love him anymore and giving them the chance to explore their feelings was the best option. And it all worked out. 

“They started dating, Maya straightened herself out... Junior year started and everyone was happy.” 

“Even you?” Lucas probes. Doing something that makes your best friend happy might usually make you feel good, but he has his doubts when that something means breaking up with someone you still have feelings for.

“I was happy for--,” Riley cuts herself off and shakes her head before starting over, a self-correction if Lucas has ever seen one. “I should have been.” She sighs. “I wanted to be. Everyone else was in a really good place, and I put them there which should have felt good but...even though I wanted them to be happy it wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be to watch it play out.”

“So anyway, would you be super mad at me if I skipped out on movie night tonight?” 

Riley doesn’t think much of Maya’s request; her friend hadn’t really said why she needed to miss their sacred tradition of Friday night movies and a sleepover, but she’s sure that whatever the reason, it must be important. They hardly ever cancel. “Of course not. We can hang out tomorrow instead.”

“Well, actually…” Maya hems, but doesn’t get to her actual protest before Charlie bounds up and pulls her into a deep kiss.

Riley quickly turns to her locker to swap the books in her backpack for the ones she’ll need for her weekend homework. The stabbing pain in her heart isn’t anyone’s business but her own, after all. For all Maya and Charlie and everyone else know, she’s thrilled for them. But if she has the option to look away and not plaster a smile on her face while the happy couple engages in the sort of close physical relationship after dating for a week and a half that she and Charlie had never achieved in their many years together… she’s going to take it. 

“Hey, beautiful.”

Riley closes her eyes at Charlie’s greeting. The nickname--and its implications--are just one more thing that he already has with Maya and never had with her. A nasty voice in the back of her head whispers that he’s always liked Maya better, because everyone always does, and that he only had ever asked her out when he moved back because it was the expected, safe option. She refuses to let the tears that prickle her eyelids at the thought move any further. She tells herself it’s not really true. It just feels like it right now because Charlie and Maya are in the honeymoon phase, and everything is more sweeping and romantic then.

“Did you ask her yet?”

“We were just in the middle of that.” Maya says.

“Ask me what?” Riley opens her eyes, finds the happiest ‘Smiley Riley’ expression she can manage and turns around again.  It takes everything in her not to let it falter when she sees how they’ve landed, Charlie standing behind Maya with his arms wrapped around her shoulders while she nuzzles against his neck.

“My stepdad needs to close up his brother’s beach house in the Hamptons since he won’t be back in the States until next year.” Charlie explains. “My family’s heading down tonight to make a weekend of it, and I asked Maya if she could come too, but she said she had to check about missing your movie night before she could say yes.”

Oh. 

Riley’s not sure if it’s her stomach or her heart that plummets through the floor.  Maybe both. Maya wants to cancel their sleepover--the sleepover they’ve only ever cancelled three times since its inception (and two of those times were because someone was in the hospital)--to go on a weekend with Charlie.  They had never cancelled anything with each other because of a boy, and here they are, changing everything once again.

She has to remind herself that this was her idea. She set this in motion and wanted this to happen; she wanted Charlie and Maya together because it meant that everything else would stay the same. And there have been some changes that she hadn’t anticipated and it’s a bit harder than she thought to watch her best friend date the boy she loves but at the heart of it it’s worth it. Because everyone is still there and friends and happy and that has to be the most important thing.  

She forces her smile a little wider. “The Hamptons? Maya you definitely have to go. And bring  a canvas. It’ll be beautiful there right now, I’m sure you’ll see something worth painting.”

“OK. So you were doing everything you could to let them be happy, and somehow that makes you selfish?”

“That part doesn’t come until later.”

“What comes next then?”

“What else? Public humiliation.”

“Riley, let’s just go. There’s no point in you making yourself miserable watching them. We can go back to my place and watch Pixar movies and drink milkshakes.”

Riley presses her lips together at Farkle’s offer. They’re closer than they’ve ever been (between throwing herself deeper into her school work and clubs to limit her time around the happy couple, and them sneaking off during the day and going on date after date, she and Farkle have been spending a big chunk of their time together) and he’s like another brother to her but their newly deepened relationship isn’t without its friction. As observant as he is, it hadn’t taken him long to figure out that she hadn’t been totally honest with Charlie and Maya about her feelings, and after he heard her out to get her reasoning and realized he wasn’t going to convince her to tell everyone the truth, he’s spent the last month and a half doing everything he can to distract her and make things a little bit easier. She loves him for it, but sometimes it’s clear by his suggestions that he doesn’t approve or understand. 

“I can’t just leave.” She protests softly, tearing her eyes away from where Maya and Charlie are dancing. “It’s homecoming. I’m on the committee that put the dance together. I have to be here.” 

Farkle raises an eyebrow, glancing around the decorated gymnasium; the dance is in full swing and everyone looks quite entertained and happy. “It doesn’t look like there’s going to be a streamer crisis anytime soon. And if there is I’m pretty sure the rest of the committee can handle it.” 

“Farkle, leaving early looks weird. People will have questions...it’ll be better if I just tough it out and stay.” She squirms a little under his discerning gaze, but relaxes a little when he reaches over and grabs her hand.

“At least come dance with me instead of standing here and torturing yourself.”

Riley nods, and he pulls her off to a far corner of the dance floor.

Some time later, Riley is chatting with Maya near the punchbowl, as Farkle and Charlie have gone to the small backstage area to get the sound system ready for the homecoming court announcements, and she almost feels relaxed; it’s easier when it’s just the two of them. 

“My mom’s been on my back all week about going to get a new coat before the weather changes,” Maya says, sipping from her punch. “So I was thinking we should totally have a girls day. It feels like it’s been forever since we’ve gone all out.”

Riley swallows back her instinctive response--that they haven’t gone out because Maya has been cancelling to spend time with Charlie--with a smile. “I love it! Where do you want to go?”

“I was thinking we go for the full makeover. Hair, clothes, the works.”

“Sounds great. New week, new us.”

“I’m just saying,” a voice filters out of the speakers on top of the music, “That you and Maya should tone down the PDA a little.”

Riley swallows around a suddenly dry mouth. It doesn’t even take her two words to recognize Farkle’s voice even with the music still blasting, and she quickly spots a handful of her classmates stop dancing and look around in confusion. 

“Why? We’re just happy together.” Charlie’s voice chimes in, and if Riley weren’t so paralyzed with fear and disbelief she’d notice the familiar stab of pain at the reminder of the differences between her relationship with Charlie and Maya’s. 

She can’t believe that Farkle is taking it upon himself to try and talk to Charlie about this. She can’t believe he’s doing it in public. She can’t believe that he’s apparently forgotten what happens when you turn a microphone on.

“Because…” Farkle draws out. “Not everyone is comfortable with it.”

“You’ve never seemed uncomfortable before, man.”

“Not me. Riley.”

The longer the conversation goes on, the more students stop their dancing. Maya crinkles her brow and stares at Riley. 

“Why would Riley have a problem with me and Maya?” Charlie asks.

And naturally, the DJ seems to catch on that something is happening and turns off the music the same moment that Farkle gives his answer. “Because she’s still in love with you.”

Lucas thinks back to his high school years. He thinks about his fellow classmates and his friends and his secrets, and although nothing that he kept to himself was quite so personally devastating as a secret love for someone close to him, and he wasn’t as close to anyone as Riley appears to have been with her friends, he’s not sure that he would have coped with any of his secrets being revealed to the entire school. Especially by someone that he trusted. 

Part of him growing up and letting go of his anger towards his family and becoming the sort of person that he could be proud of had been learning to be more open. Not to forget his past experiences but to let the past be the past, and look at everything else through a new lens. To look for the best in people. And he’d like to think that he’s come a long way with that but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t know the reality of things. 

People can be cruel. Teenagers especially so. And to be forced into such a vulnerable and open position without warning, around people that probably wouldn’t know better than to find the spectacle entertaining...he can’t imagine how much that would throw a person.

Especially someone who’s been working so hard to make sure no one knew the truth.

“Riley, I--...” He means to offer comfort, but cuts himself off almost before he starts; what is there to say exactly? It’s not like there’s any set of words that can undo the past or take away the hurt she felt in that moment. 

If Riley hears his aborted comment, she doesn’t say anything. “So I’m standing there, stunned. Just completely in shock. Not only because my feelings had just been broadcast to the entire school, but I couldn’t believe that Farkle would even share them with Charlie in the first place. I know everyone is staring, but I’m so floored that I can’t even think about what to do. And all of that would have been bad enough, but the night wasn’t over yet.”

“There’s more?” Now Lucas knows he wouldn’t have coped. 

“Riley, what’s Farkle talking about?”

Riley blinks in the face of Maya’s question. She can tell the eyes of her classmates are all locked on her and it’s so silent that it feels like the air is being sucked out of the room, but there’s only one thought running through her mind. ‘They know.’ It loops, over and over, getting tossed around as everything seems to tunnel out around her. 

“Riley!” Maya shoves at her shoulder and the world snaps back into focus. “What’s Farkle talking about? What does he mean, you’re still in love with Charlie?” 

There’s no getting out of it really. Oh, she could try to lie, to tell everyone that Farkle had misconstrued what she had said and this is all one big misunderstanding, but it’s not like anyone would actually believe her at this point. No one’s going to believe that the resident genius didn’t comprehend what someone was trying to tell him to the point that he spread completely false information. And really, the only reason she had gotten away with lying about her feelings in the first place is because she had gotten to plan what she wanted to say and how she wanted to say it; she’s an actress when she can prepare and anticipate but spontaneity is not her friend. 

Riley takes a deep breath, steeling herself, before facing Maya and giving her answer. “Exactly what it sounds like. I’ve been keeping it to myself because it’s not anyone else’s business or problem but...I still love Charlie.”

“That’s not what you said when you broke up with him at the lodge.” Maya protests, her brow furrowing deeper. 

“I know it’s not exactly…” Riley drops off as Charlie comes to a stop in front of them breathing heavily, having rushed from behind the staging area. Farkle, not known for his athletic prowess, is several feet behind. 

He says her name, but nothing else. For a moment they’re just staring at one another, and it’s almost the same as the quiet moments of comfortable tension in their relationship where everything just felt closer. More connected and intense. There’s a split second where Riley thinks that maybe there is still something there between them, in spite of the last couple of months. But the spell breaks just as quickly when Maya speaks again. 

“I don’t understand. At the lodge you said your relationship had run its course. You said he and I should explore our feelings.”

“Maybe we should take this some place a little more private.” Farkle urges shortly after his arrival, glancing amongst the trio and then crowd, rapt with attention. 

Maya ignores him. “Why would you say all that if it wasn’t true?”

“Because…”Riley hedges for a moment, trying to decide how honest she should be...how much detail she should share. But she quickly realizes that there’s not much use in hiding anything. Maybe things will be less awkward and horrible if they knew she had done this to make them happy. “I thought things would be better for everyone if I stepped back. The two of you had some kind of connection, whether you wanted to admit to it or not,  and I didn’t want that to come between us. I’d much rather have you guys as my friends than to lose one of you--or both of you--because I was keeping you from something you wanted. I thought that my feelings would fade, and as long as you two were happy, whatever I went through would be worth it.”

“Then why have Farkle come talk to me?” Charlie asks, finally finding his voice again. With more words spoken, Riley can hear the taut edge in his tone--the confusion, but also the anger.

She takes a step back. “I didn’t want Farkle to tell you anything.”

“But he did.”

“Guys,” Farkle steps closer to the group, gesturing between them, “don’t you think we should at least go out to the hall?”

They ignore the suggestion, staring at each other for a moment longer, uncertainty painted across their faces. Riley wouldn’t be sure that any of them were even breathing except she can feel the familiar tightness of inhaling through anxiety in her chest. She’s not sure what she expects to happen, or even what she wants to happen at this point; she can’t even begin to figure out what her next step would be to fix the mess that’s been created in the last few minutes, and although her mind is racing, all she can do is stand there and wait for someone else to step up. 

“Riley, you’re so special, and we were always good together. You’ll always be important to me.” Charlie says after a deep breath. Next to him, Maya tenses and Riley finds it even harder to take a breath. It’s entirely possible that Charlie’s next words are going to change everything between the group; it’s exactly what she’d wanted to avoid.“But when you broke up with me and told me to move on...that’s what I did.  Dating Maya has been amazing.” He reaches over, weaving his fingers through Maya’s. “We’re really happy together, going in a great direction...I don’t want to move backwards.”

“Riles, you know how much I love you, and I hate seeing you hurt,” Maya adds on, “but we didn’t ask you to step back for us.. And now that you have and we’ve been together for a few months…”

Riley knows what happens next sets the tone for their friendship. She can give into every ounce of the heartache that is the guy she loves saying in front of everyone that getting together again with her would be moving backwards--all but confirming that he thinks things with Maya are better than they ever were with her--and cry and make a scene and make it all but inevitable that things will change beyond recognition or repair. Or, she can go with the numb shock of it all. Stay calm. And maybe it’ll be clear that she’s upset right now, but at least it will leave the door open for things to stay mostly the same. 

“I would never ask you to give up the relationship you’ve found.” Riley jumps in as Maya trails off; her words fall flat, and even when she makes herself smile she know it sounds forced and strained. She presses on anyways. “That’s why I didn’t want anyone to know. It’s my thing,  not anyone else’s. You guys are happy, and that’s what’s most important.”

“After that...Farkle and I weren’t talking. I was upset he had violated my trust and he...was not used to getting things wrong or messing up in such a big way so I’m pretty sure he didn’t know how to apologize. So things were bad in that direction and probably even more awkward with Maya and Charlie…”

“The happy couple didn’t handle things very well?” Lucas has to think that a trio of well-adjusted adults would have trouble maintaining their relationships in a similar love triangle situation, so for a group of hormonal teenagers it would have to be next to impossible. 

“They weren’t sure if they needed to change how they acted around me, so they tried but that was changing a big part of their relationship which made things weird between them. Plus, I think all three of us were worried that the wrong comment or nudge or whatever would give someone the wrong idea or hurt someone so we were all tip-toeing around each other, and I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not but Maya doesn’t do all that great with awkward.” 

Lucas thinks back to the various derisive and sarcastic comments he’s heard the blonde make in response to an uncomfortable situation. “She doesn’t seem to.”

“It didn’t take much more than a week for her to hit her limit and take matters into her own hands.”

“Riles, can we talk about the Charlie thing?”

Riley is so taken aback by Maya’s question, coming in the middle of their art class that she drops her paintbrush. It’s the first time since homecoming that anyone has addressed what had happened directly and she’d been mildly hopeful that the radio silence would continue until a long time had passed; maybe several years down the line they’d be able to have an open discussion about the whole thing but she knows how precarious things are between them right now and even one comment could damage things further. Thankfully, Maya continues talking without waiting for a response, and she gets to find out more before she commits to anything one way or the other. 

“It’s just that...this is weird for all of us, ya know? You’re like my sister and I know you said that you’re OK with Charlie and me being together because you’re like, the greatest friend a girl could ask for, and the last thing me or Charlie want to do is do anything that hurts you, but we’re just...not really sure where the line is right now? Like I said, we don’t want you to be uncomfortable but as a couple we’ve always been more…” Maya shifts in her seat, tilting her head back and forth as she hems over her answer.

When two seconds go by and Maya still hasn’t finished her sentence, Riley takes the hint. “Physical?”

Maya snaps her fingers and points. “Exactly! It’s not like that’s the only aspect to our relationship but it is a big one, and I know you want us to be happy, but at the same time, it’s like I said, we don’t want to hurt you. So I guess what I’m asking is…”

“Maya, you and Charlie should have exactly the relationship you want.” Riley presses her lips together, then reaches over and rests a hand on top of her friend’s. “Don’t worry about me.” After all, she thinks as Maya grins and thanks her for being so understanding, and she bends down to retrieve her paintbrush, what’s one more sacrifice to keep your friends?

“She actually went to you, barely a week after she found out that you still loved Charlie, and asked if you were OK with them making out in front of you?” Lucas can hardly believe what he’s hearing. “And she was your best friend? How were you OK with that?” 

“At the time I thought I had to be.” Riley answers. As she walks she reaches up and takes down her ponytail, starting to braid her hair instead. “Remember? According to everyone my job as her friend was to give and do everything I could to make her happy and help her grow. How I felt was never a part of the equation.” 

Right. Lucas had almost forgotten that particular mountain of bad advice. How parents could advise that level of self-sacrifice to their child...even if Riley had been misinterpreting what they had been saying, shouldn’t they have stepped in and clarified at some point? Or maybe comforted her and given some advice?  Like when they saw her making herself completely miserable? His esteem for the elder Matthews, not particularly high to begin with, drops down a little further. 

“That said, it didn’t take me very long to realize that as much as I wanted to take all of my feelings about the situation and shove them into a box at the back of my closet where I would never have to deal with them, that’s not really something a person can do. Or at least that I can do.

“I wanted to be OK with Maya and Charlie being together, but even in spite of him saying flat out that his feelings for me had changed and putting that closure between us, I still felt something for him. It hurt to see them together and how different he was with Maya. I tried my best to swallow it down and hide it but I wasn’t very good at it and between that and the ongoing mess with Farkle… There was so much tension that it was easier for everyone if I limited my time with them.” Riley ties off her braid, letting it rest on her shoulder. 

“Wait, really?” 

“Alanis Morissette eat your heart out, right?” Riley huffs. “All I wanted to do was make sure my friends were happy enough to stick around and all I did was make it too painful for me to stay.” 

Lucas frowns. Sure, the choice that she made to break up with Charlie in the first place had been a mistake but it wasn’t the only factor that made things hard. From the way she tells the story, the others hardly sound blameless, not from his perspective. “And none of them saw a problem with how they were acting or tried to fix it?”

“They were getting along fine without me. I mean, every once in a while Maya and I would try and hang out on our own but things were still awkward. The more we were apart, the clearer it was that we didn’t have as much in common as we used to and we both felt like we had to be careful with what we said… so that didn’t last very long. By Thanksgiving or so I was pretty much entirely on my own.”

“What do you mean on your own?”

“I was a goofily optimistic, klutzy kid. Whose dad taught at her school. There weren’t a ton of kids lining up around the block to be friends with me. The ones who didn’t ignore me were happy I had lost the protection of Maya and Charlie.”

Lucas doesn’t like the sound of that at all. “Protection?”

“Farkle and I were easy targets for bullies and mean girls. But being friends with Maya and Charlie gave us a layer of protection, because Maya was tough enough to scare most everyone and Charlie was one of those guys that the whole school liked so nobody really wanted to upset him.”

“So what? You drifted apart and it was open season on Riley?”

“For a few kids, yeah.” It sounds so matter-of-fact and nonchalant coming out of Riley’s mouth that Lucas can’t tell if the anger simmering in his chest is an overreaction. 

“And nobody did anything?”

“Most people didn’t know. It was mostly texts and emails. Catty comments in the girls’ bathroom. Nothing super noticeable. It would have been completely manageable if I’d been in a better place. Anyways, we’re getting off track. That stuff was a factor, not a major point in the story.”

The hasty dismissal tells Lucas that his anger is not misplaced, and it likely wouldn’t have been manageable, whether or not she’d had the support of friends, but he knows better than to press the issue further. “OK. So it’s Thanksgiving, and your friend group is pretty non-existent.”He recaps. “Where were your parents during all of that? I would have thought they’d offer all the advice they could to try and help you keep everyone together.”

“Talking to them never really worked. My mom was super busy between work and Auggie and being Maya’s go to adult for advice, so every time I managed to get her alone for five minutes, something more important came up and she dashed off with a promise to make it up to me later. 

“And my dad...he was so reluctant to discuss anything about boys and my dating of them that we only had one real conversation about it and even that was less than helpful.”

“Riley, a moment please?” 

Riley stops packing up her books the moment her dad makes the request, while everyone else filters out of the classroom. He hasn’t kept her behind after class since middle school unless she’s left her lunch money at home and they’ve already had lunch today, so she’s not sure what he could possibly want. They haven’t had any papers or tests lately that she might have done poorly on.

When the room is empty, her dad sits on the edge of his desk, directly in front of her usual seat. “You know, as a teacher I hear pretty much all the gossip that circulates around this school. Not to mention I have students that come to me for advice when they aren’t sure what to do with the problems they’re dealing with.”

“I know.” Riley laughs nervously. Between her mom and Maya and the school’s gossip network he’d probably heard every last detail about her breakup with Charlie and the subsequent homecoming fiasco a few weeks ago. Does he want her to talk about that with him? Not that she’s completely opposed to getting some parental advice on the matter--she’s felt completely lost for a while now and could really use a little guidance--but her dad never wants to talk about this sort of problem with her. 

“And I can’t help but notice there’s been a massive change with you recently.” He continues, and Riley feels a bit better about her chances; sure they don’t normally talk about boys and those sorts of feelings, but if he took notice of her struggles, maybe he was swallowing back his reservations to try and be there for her. Isn’t that what fathers do? 

“Well, things have been--,”

“So what’s going on? Why aren’t you spending time with Maya anymore?”

Just as quickly the hope stoking in her heart plummets down to her feet. She’s so stunned that that’s her dad’s question she can’t even think of an answer. 

He only lets them sit in silence for a few moments. “Look Riley, I can’t pretend I understand what made you decide that breaking up with Charlie and telling him to explore his feelings for Maya was the right thing to do; that wasn’t really what I meant when I said you needed to find a way to help her be happy again. That said, what’s done is done.  Part of growing up is learning to live with the decisions we make. You can’t turn back the clock just because something is harder than you thought it would be.” 

Riley knows that. She doesn’t want to turn the clock back. She just wants to know how to get past it all and stop hurting, but she can’t figure out how to explain that to her dad. 

“The good news is Maya’s attitude has really turned around.” Her dad continues. “She’s doing good in school again, talking about what colleges she might apply to. However misguided it was, it looks like this was the win she needed. But she’s still hurting. None of it feels any good to her without her best friend by her side.”

“So, let me make sure I’m understanding this.” Lucas shakes his head as if to clear it; it’s not that he can’t believe that Riley’s dad would ignore her feelings in such a blatant way--almost every interaction this trip has been a demonstration of his skill in that area--but it just feels jarring to have it laid out that he’s been doing it since she was so much younger, and to hear how it chipped away at Riley’s picture of him. “Your dad hears the whole story, sees that you’re having a hard time, and sits you down to tell you to suck it up and go back to Maya?”

Riley nods. “That’s the way things were. If we fought, I apologized. If she got into trouble, I got her out of it. If she liked something I had, I shared it with her. So if she wanted her best friend around, I was supposed to find a way to make it work.

“I could tell my dad was let down that he was even having to talk to me about it, which was the last thing I wanted. Plus I was so lonely and tired, I thought that going back to my friends and dealing with a little heartache would be better than having no friends and disappointing my parents. I was the good kid. I’d never gone against what they wanted before and it didn’t seem like the time to start. So I told him I’d be better, screwed on my smile and put everything I had into being the only Riley anyone seemed to care about--the happy, helpful doormat. I told Farkle all was forgiven, told Charlie the time apart had done wonders and I was over him, apologized to Maya for abandoning her and went back to the old routine of jumping for her before she could even think to ask me to. As far as everyone else was concerned, the drama was over. All was well.”

Lucas can practically hear the narration continue in his head. But all was not well. Nothing Riley has just described to him was remotely healthy. He knows because he’s done it. He knows how ignoring everything he was feeling and pretending to be a person he wasn’t had chipped away at him and left him a mess that he’d barely been able to hold together long enough to make it to college and get away. 

And Riley is such a people pleaser she had probably thrown herself into the effort with 310%, no matter how hard it was to do so. 

“How long did that go on for?”

“A few months. I slowly realized that I was the only one really trying--no one noticed that I was faking everything, or how much I was constantly giving up or setting aside to make sure everyone else got what they wanted, and never getting anything more than a smile and a pat on the shoulder in return. Even the bullies realized no one was going to notice or care, so they kept at it. Still, I ran myself into the ground, trying to convince myself that I just wasn’t meeting everyone’s standards, and if I just pushed myself a little harder and gave just a little bit more, I would and things would get better. The only time I ever got to let it all go and breathe was if I was alone, and every time I did, it was harder to put the act back on.”

“Did you ever think about not putting it back on?”

“Not until April.”

“What happened then?”

Don’t you think it’s a bit pathetic to still be clinging to Maya and Charlie? It’s not like they actually want you around.

No one wants you around.

Not even daddy talks to you anymore. 

Who can blame him with how obnoxious you are? I’m sure your parents only let you stay with them because they can’t kick you out until you’re 18.

Riley clamps her teeth onto her inner lip as she scrolls through the latest additions to the group text she can’t seem to escape no matter how many numbers she blocks on her phone. They’re hardly the nastiest she’s ever been sent, but the harshness hardly seems to matter anymore; these days every comment seems to chip past her defenses easier than the last. Reading each word hurts, and even after she closes the messages and puts her phone down they keep running through her head. 

She never gets a break anymore. 

If she’s not dealing with the texts and the notes shoved in her locker and the not-so-accidental  shoves, elbows, and trips in a crowded hallway, she’s dealing with the drama of Maya and Charlie. They have officially exited the honeymoon phase of their relationship and are starting to face some challenges. And Riley gets put in the middle of every spat. 

Charlie needs insights into Maya’s personality. Maya needs someone to vent at. They both need help arranging grand gestures of apology. Riley provides it all with every ounce of sympathy she can drudge up, no matter how difficult. And boy is it difficult.

She’d never realized how needy her friends were until she was in the position of needing some support of her own. Now it’s hard not to  notice  how little they seem to care about how she’s doing.

After that, every interaction is harder and seems to drain her more, to the point where she’s taken to sneaking off in the afternoons and studying at a coffee shop near Bryant Park, a journey no one else is likely to make,  just to get a couple hours away from it all every day. She does her homework in peace, away from self-centered friends and nasty classmates (at least, if she turns her phone off) and it gives her just enough relief to be able to go back to her home and keep up the act that she’s just as happy, just as helpful, just as unaware of the imbalance in all her relationships (with both friends and family) as always. 

Riley’s settled in at her favorite table for one such afternoon, having been working for a good hour already, when the bell above the door tinkles. She doesn’t pay much attention to the customers that enter; the cafe is packed to the brim with students either avoiding their work or getting a caffeine fix prior to a late class as it is almost every day and she’s gotten quite adept at ignoring the chaos until it interferes with her work. 

Only…

“You think you’re so cute, don’t you?”

The laugh of blonde walking past her table to join the line of patrons sounds incredibly familiar. 

“That’s what you said last night.”

And so does the boy who has an arm slung over her shoulder.

“That was about your butt, not your face.” 

Reaching behind himself, he catches her hand just before it can land a playful slap on the aforementioned butt. “So you only want me for my body, is that it?”

“That and what you can do with it.” 

The blonde stretches up on her tiptoes, pulling him into a searing kiss, just as reality gives way to Riley’s shock.

The girl is Maya. But the boy is not Charlie.

Lucas is almost positive that he hasn’t missed the bit of the story where Maya and Charlie decided they weren’t meant to be together. And he’s certain that if their relationship was less serious and the type where they were open and free to see other people that Riley would have mentioned it before now. Which means that whatever was happening in the coffee shop, it was behind Charlie’s back, in spite of all the feelings professed and happiness claimed. “Do I even want to know who she was with?”

“Probably not but it’s part of the story so…”

Riley rushes to close her textbook and gather her things to make a hasty exit. She does not want to see anymore or even worse, have them see her; if they realize they’ve been caught, there will surely be a scramble to make her understand the situation and to convince her to keep the secret and she’s not ready to deal with that. She’s not sure she’ll ever be ready to deal with that. 

Unfortunately, the universe does not agree with her plan.

In her hurry to get her belongings together, her elbow collides with her tea, sending the cup to the floor (with what feels like a surprisingly loud crash for a paper travel mug). Several patrons turn to the source of the noise, including Maya who immediately starts to fluster. 

“Riley!” Her eyes widen and she jumps away from her companion. They both rush to speak at the same time. “This isn’t what it looks like!”

“What are you doing here?”

Riley is fairly certain that there’s no alternative explanation for what she’s seen that would excuse Maya and her Uncle Josh making out in a coffee shop when earlier in the day she and Charlie were making moon eyes in the cafeteria and feeding each other bites of slightly stale cafeteria cake. She’s never been one for confrontation with her friends or family, but the heat of frustration and upset rises before she can even think to swallow it. “I study here where I can get some peace and quiet. I’d ask why you come here but I make it a point not to waste people’s time by asking questions I already know the answers to.” She turns back to the table pulling several napkins from the dispenser to try and deal with the mess. The sooner she cleans up the spill, the sooner she can leave and not have some sort of embarrassing emotional reaction. 

“Riles, this isn’t what it looks like.” Maya repeats her initial insistence. 

“Are you still dating Charlie?”

“Wh--I--that’s--,”

“It’s a simple question Maya.” Riley cuts off her sputtering, turning back around. She can practically feel her frustration and anger sparking in her eyes, something she normally does everything she can to tamp down. She finds she doesn't care.“Are you still dating Charlie?”

“Well, yeah but--,”

“Then it’s exactly what it looks like.” 

“That was the last straw for me.”  Riley informs. “I was done. I had given up the boy I loved for Maya, and even though they were supposedly both happy with each other, she turned right around and cheated on him. And because it was with Josh, she didn’t even see it as all that wrong.”

Lucas is beginning to wonder if they’ll run out of beach before the story is over. Every piece of Riley’s tale seems to bring up more questions to unpack than it answers, and he has a feeling they haven’t even reached the climax yet. “Why would it matter that it was Josh instead of someone else?”

Another heavy sigh escapes Riley’s lips. “Ever since they first met, Maya had the biggest crush on Josh. And even though she could be pretty bold and obnoxious about it,  Josh never really shut her down other to bring up their age difference. But as time went on even that got to be less and less firm.”

“Three years is a big gap when you’re still a kid but it just keeps shrinking the older you get.” Lucas nods, familiar with the argument.

She nods. “The attraction was definitely reciprocal. And they had an unspoken agreement that neither of them were supposed to just wait around and not have a love life, but if, when the age gap wasn’t so...problematic, they were both available, they were probably going to give things a shot.”

Which still doesn’t explain how the fact that it was with Josh made Maya think she had some sort of pass on the cheating thing. The key word Lucas could pick out of Riley’s explanation of the agreement was ‘available’, which Maya clearly wasn’t. “How does that make it OK for her to date two people without both of them knowing and agreeing?”

“Come on, Riles. You could at least talk to me. Let me explain.”

Riley spins on her heel, whirling to face Maya; she and Josh have been chasing after her since Riley had stormed out of the cafe, some five blocks thus far, trying to get her to stop and listen to whatever it is they have to say. Riley can’t say that she’s particularly interested in the explanation right now, but she also knows that Maya isn’t going to give up her pursuit any time soon, and she had been so flustered upon her exit that she hadn’t thought to do the sensible thing and get on the subway or hail a cab where they wouldn’t be able to immediately follow. “Fine.” She bites out, crossing her arms over her chest. “Explain.”

“Josh and I...it’s totally unexpected. We only got together last week.” 

Riley blinks, uncertain as to what in those two sentences was supposed to make her understand the situation. Maya hesitates but keeps talking.

“There just hasn’t been a good chance for me to talk to Charlie yet.”

“That’s funny, I seem to remember you being with him before classes, study hall, lunch, PE...I wonder if any of those times would have given you the opportunity to bring something like this up? Or, and I’m just throwing things out here, what about right now? I mean, surely if you stopped shoving your tongue down my Uncle’s throat you could find the time to sit down with  your boyfriend and tell him that your feelings have changed.”

“Riley, that’s not fair.” Josh jumps in.

Maya nods, continuing after him quickly. “It’s not that easy. Charlie and I have been together a long time, I can’t just break up with him out of the blue. He deserves better than that.”

Riley doesn’t even know where to begin with that. The belief  that the few months Maya and Charlie have been dating could be considered a long time...the idea that carrying on a secret relationship with someone else is somehow kinder than breaking up with a person...the light insinuations about Riley’s own break up with Charlie...it all flabbergasts her to the point of stunned silence, which Maya seems to take as the dawning of Riley’s understanding, and she’s more than happy to keep talking. 

“So it’s not that we’re trying to have this secret affair or anything. I just need a little time to figure out how to tell him in a way that won’t hurt him. It’s not like I don’t care about him. I’ve been really happy with him while we’ve been together--he’s a great guy and he  was exactly what I needed to get me through until--,”

Maya cuts herself off, but all it takes is a glance down to her hand, still interwoven with Josh’s, for Riley to fill in the blanks. He was exactly what I needed to get me through until Josh and I could be together. Whatever Maya’s feelings for Charlie are, they don’t compare to her long-harbored feelings for Josh. When the time came and opportunity rose up  Charlie was ultimately nothing more than a placeholder for her.

Riley can barely swallow around the rock that forms in her throat. “I have to go.”

“Wait! But Riley--,”

Riley ignores their duet of protests. “Good luck with your new relationship.”  The words don’t come out happy, enthusiastic, or anything remotely resembling an actual congratulatory message, but Riley’s not sure if she means them at all or is just habitually wishing them well so she doesn’t correct herself or add anything else, instead turning and stepping off the curb to hail a --thankfully empty--approaching taxi. She gets in quickly, shutting the door in Maya’s face and rattling off her address to the driver. It’s nearing dinner time so even if her study time hadn’t been interrupted and her sanctuary invaded, she’d need to be thinking about heading home anyways; she can only hope that Maya will take her fast exit as a sign to stay away, and that her parents will, for once, be understanding.

“I’m guessing they weren’t.” 

“It went better than I thought it would.” Riley shrugs. The answer doesn’t give Lucas much hope that things are about to take a turn for the better. “I had a few days of quiet. My parents didn’t sit down and talk to me about what was going on or anything, but they also didn’t make me see Maya or Josh either. It’s stupid looking back on it but even that little bit of inaction on their part was enough to give me hope that they were at least somewhat on my side; they knew what was going on so it seemed like maybe they were accepting my feelings about everything, even if they weren’t actually trying to help me through it.”

If nothing else, the fact that Riley had ever seen this bare minimum of effort--that doesn’t even really seem like much of an effort at all--as them being accepting spoke volumes about their relationship and how they had been treating her. Only there’s no good way for Lucas to say that without coming off at least somewhat judgemental of Riley that he can find, so he once again stays quiet. 

“It was a different story once Maya came clean and broke up with Charlie.”

“How so?” 

“Nobody liked that she had cheated on him. And you’ve seen how the Matthews’ act with people they disagree with.”

Lucas nods.

“Ending the situation with Charlie and getting his forgiveness got rid of that issue and repositioned her halo. She had done what she needed to do to be happy and made things right so to speak. Me being upset about it regardless of that was the only thing keeping things from going back to 100% normal.”

“That doesn’t even remotely begin to--,”

“‘Riley, we let you have your tantrum but you’re dragging it out a bit long, don’t you think?’ ‘Maya’s your best friend. Can’t you see it’s hurting her that you’re not happy for her?’ ‘It’s time to stop acting like a child and be reasonable.’” Riley cuts him off, parroting the words with such precision and bitterness that it’s clear these are very specific, very real examples of things people--not just people but her family--had said to her. “Maya was the priority. She was the mature one who had earned her feelings and I was the kid, who didn’t understand the depth of what they were talking about  and acting out because I wasn’t getting my way.

“The longer I stood my ground and didn’t crawl back, begging for her to forgive and accept me, the harder it was to deal with anyone. My parents especially. They made their disappointment in me very clear, and didn’t bother to even try and hear where I was coming from. All that mattered was that I had stopped prioritizing my friendship with Maya over everything else and Maya was unhappy, so I was in the wrong.”

Lucas doesn’t even realize his indignation has made him stop walking until Riley turns around to face him, brow furrowed. “But you were unhappy too.” He protests. “And you were their daughter. Not Maya. What made them prioritize her feelings over yours?” He doesn’t expect Riley to have an answer for him, not really, but it’s such a foreign concept to him; as hard as his parents were to deal with and as much as they didn’t really consider his feelings on anything, they also never would have put anyone ahead of him except for themselves.

“They saw her as another daughter. And to them this was my big rebellion. They raised me to be the best parts of them put together. Smart, strong, loyal, hopeful, giving… Cutting ties with Maya went against everything they had told me to be. And if they were upset with me before, it only got worse when I turned down Charlie’s promposal.”

“Charlie’s prompos-- you mean he had the nerve to ask you out again?”

“Our school always had a Spirit Week in the spring that ended with a lip-sync competition. Charlie took the lead for the junior class performance and put together a One Direction number that ended with him asking me to prom and me saying no which nobody, including him, understood.”

“Riley, can we talk?”

Riley stops gathering her books, briefly closing her eyes to steel herself for the pending conversation; she knows exactly what Charlie wants--the same thing he’s wanted for the past two days--and unfortunately her habit of lingering in the safety of a teacher-supervised classroom rather than rushing out to the madness of the hallways with the rest of her fellow students has given him an easy opening that she can’t evade. “There’s nothing to talk about Charlie.” She says, reopening her eyes. She does her best to keep her voice firm, and returns to collecting her things. Maybe if she stays firm and keeps moving it will all be over quickly. “You asked me out. I said no. That’s the end of the discussion.”

“It can’t be.” Charlie protests, He takes a step forward, laying his hand on top of hers to still it. “I know you still have feelings for me.”

It would be easy to melt into his touch. It’s gentle and familiar and everything Riley has been craving for months. She could give in and the entire mess would be done with. It just...wouldn’t be real. 

Her hesitation comes to a grinding halt and she jerks her hand back. “I don’t want to be with anyone who thinks being with me is a step backwards for them.” 

“Who said that?”

“You did.” Riley sweeps her things into her arms and stands, unable to believe that the conversation that had caused her so much heartache was so inconsequential to Charlie that he had forgotten it.

“If I said that it was only because I was confused.” He sidesteps in front of her, blocking her path. “Riley, I know the past few months have been a lot but I still care about you. We can make this work. I mean….look at what happened with your parents.” He gestures towards the front of the classroom, where her dad is trying and failing to look like he’s simply writing out his next lesson plan on the board and not hanging on every word of the conversation. “They broke up and saw other people in high school and look at them now! Married for seventeen years! That could be us one day.”

Riley looks to her dad, eyes wide pleading for his assistance; surely he must understand how crazy Charlie’s premise sounds. The odds of her parents’ relationship working in spite of all of their hurdles and separations was one in a trillion. And really, the circumstances of their breakup and what happened in the aftermath were so different than this.

But her dad just nods. “He’s right Riley. Your story isn’t over yet.”

“If it’s my story that means I get to say when it’s over.” Riley argues, though she feels a stabbing in her chest and her resolve starts to weaken at the disappointed frown that deepens across her father’s face. She tears her gaze away, glancing at Charlie one last time. “I don’t know if you’ve genuinely realized that you still care about me or if you just don’t want to be alone, but I’m sorry. Either way, my answer is no. And it’s not going to change.” She ducks around her ex and hurries out of the room before either he or her dad can say anything else. But she still hears their chorused objections, and can’t stop her tears from falling as she rushes down the hall.

Riley wraps her arms around herself as she finishes this portion of the story, squeezing tightly. Lucas can’t tell if she’s getting cold in the night air or just trying to comfort herself. “From that point on I was on my own. If I caught my parents’ attention all I ever got was a lecture; my so-called friends spent most of their time explaining all the ways that I was being a selfish bitch--that’s if they could even be bothered to talk to me or spend time with me at all. Classmates harassed me, teachers just wanted to talk about my falling grades...It felt like the only person who still liked me for me was Auggie, and that was only because he was too young to understand why everyone else was mad at me. I couldn’t exactly confide in him.”

Riley stops walking. She turns to the ocean for a moment, chewing on her lip with eyes cast downward. It’s obvious that she has more to say but needs a moment, whether to simply gather herself or find her words or something else entirely.

It’s all Lucas can do to not reach over and offer her comfort. He’s hardly a stranger to consoling his clients; in this line of work he’s often called on by people with baggage and he considers it a part of his job to help how he can--how he would want to be treated if he were opening up to someone--yet with Riley he finds himself hesitant. She’s been warming up to him and getting much more comfortable with physical contact, both within the context of their feigned relationship and outside of it, but he can’t help but worry that the emotional place the story is putting her in will render that ease and the effects moot. Riley is clearly vulnerable at the moment, and the last thing he wants to do is anything that will make the situation harder for her.

(There’s also the added complication of their earlier kiss and how every touch between them seems to carry such a weighted spark, but thinking about that is going down a road that Lucas knows will lead to trouble so really, his reluctance to act is based solely on his concern for Riley and not on his worries over the complications of the growing tangled knot of feelings in his chest. Really.)

He’s so caught up in his mental debate and the ominous uneasiness over where the story is going next that he almost misses when Riley starts to speak again.

“I started drowning, and I couldn’t see anyway to save myself. I started to think that maybe I shouldn’t--,” Riley cuts herself off as her voice grows shakier. When she starts again, it’s still thick and wet, but firm. “Uncle Eric wasn’t wrong when he said that if he hadn’t stepped in I wouldn’t be here anymore. By the time my dad called him at the end of the school year I was in a really bad place.”

“Riley! Light of my life, the one and only, my favorite niece in the universe!” 

Riley’s bed jolts with the impact of an adult launching himself onto the end of the mattress and bouncing as he settles. The movement causes her to fall out of her position, huddled on her side and staring blankly towards the window, and onto her back. She doesn’t move to correct it, or to look at the newcomer. She knows it’s her Uncle Eric, and knows, because her parents aren’t subtle in the slightest, that he’s there as their last ditch effort to make her see reason and crawl back to her friends. 

It’s a specialty of his, understanding people and repairing relationships, and she knows her parents are hoping that he can make her see the light. That as her favorite uncle somehow his words will get through to her and she’ll rethink her choices. 

Only Riley is well past the point of going back. And she doesn’t really want to look her favorite uncle in the eye while he tells her how big of a disappointment she is; she’s done that enough with everyone else in her life and to do it again would just be too much. Even hearing it will be too much but it’s not like she has a choice. She never has a choice. 

“It is a beautiful day at the start of the summer and I find you holed up in your room.” Eric says, a teasing exasperated tone gracing his voice. “The curtains on your windows aren’t even open. What gives?”

“I didn’t feel like getting up.” It’s the first time Riley has said more than a word here and there in a number of days and her throat grates. She’d add a shrug to her words but she can’t muster up the extra energy. 

“But days like today are meant to be experienced! Haven’t any of your friends been by to drag you out?”

Riley closes her eyes. For all of his positives, nobody ever said subtlety was her Uncle Eric’s forte. “We’re not exactly on speaking terms. Or even friends.”

“Yeah, I heard.” The bed starts to shift as Eric moves; Riley can tell he’s wriggling his way up to put her head on the pillows near her, even without looking. “What’s up with that?”

Definitely not subtle. 

“If you’ve heard we’re not talking then you’ve heard the story.” Her parents surely would have ranted every event as they saw it to him in order to get him to come down so quickly. She’d only overheard their conversation about asking for Eric’s help a couple of days ago and while the Senate wasn’t currently in session he had plenty of other work that he couldn’t normally just walk away from. Someone had to have said something to convince him it was urgent. 

“Well,” He draws out the word, “I’ve heard their side of things. I want to hear yours.” Eric nudges at the side of her head with his own temple; it’s his usual playful way but it seems wrong, if only because she hasn’t felt anywhere close to playful for close to a year now. 

She shakes her head minutely. “It’s not that different.”

“Considering how the story I heard sounds nothing like you, I’ll bet it is.”

Riley doesn’t dare trust the glimmer of hope that sits in Eric’s words. Sure, they might mean that he knows she’s a better person and he’s willing to actually listen and believe her, but at one point she’d thought the same about her parents. And her grandparents. And Uncle Shawn. If she thinks for one second that Eric might actually be on her side, it’s only going to hurt more when he’s not. “I don’t care. There’s no point.”

Uncle Eric exhales heavily. “Ri, there’s always, always a point,” he says, fumbling for her hand and weaving his fingers with hers. “If you really don’t want to talk about Maya and Charlie and Josh or whoever else then I’m not gonna make you. I couldn’t care less about them. I want to know about you and how you’re doing. The truth.”

The truth. 

Just the idea sends Riley’s breath into a hitch. 

The truth is that she’s beyond exhausted, and lonely, and she’s more than starting to think that everyone’s right and she’s being a horrible person. Half of the time just breathing hurts. It feels like every negative thought she’s ever had-every upset and bad mood she’s ever bypassed and tried to ignore in favor of being happy- has multiplied by a thousand and returned to come crashing down in a wave across her shoulders and she’s drowning. Swept beneath the surface and drowning and there’s nothing for her to try and grab onto. 

Riley shakes her head and her breath hitches again. This time her shoulders move with it and before she knows it, tears are falling hot and fast down her cheeks. Despite her best efforts she’s a sobbing mess within moments, but Eric just sits up properly and hoists her up into an embrace, rubbing her back and murmuring into her hair while she cries into his chest. 

“Eventually I calmed down enough to actually talk to him and tell him the whole story and what I was feeling.” Riley finishes. “And Eric just…promised me that I wasn’t doing the wrong thing, and that he was going to do everything he could to help me.”

“Like having you move in with him and Linda.” 

“Well it started with just a summer internship he found me with one of his colleagues. I went and stayed with them while I did that and he got me into therapy and kept my dealing with my parents to the absolute bare minimum. And when I told him that I didn’t want to go back to New York for my senior year he didn’t fight me, just found some family friends in education who were willing to call in some favors to help get me a super late interview at a great prep school he lived near and took the hit of telling my parents that I wouldn’t be going home.” 

Lucas nods, trying to reconcile the explanation Riley has given with the display at the karaoke party between the Matthews brothers. It’s not exactly difficult. “Hence your dad saying he stole you.”

“Exactly. Only it was all my choices, Uncle Eric just didn’t want me to be the one to tell them when I was in such a bad place. And ever since then, and when I decided to go to college out west, every time I see my family or talk to them, it’s exactly what you’ve seen. Awkward and  uncomfortable at the best of times, outright hostile and downtrodding at others… they don’t hate me but they don’t exactly like me either.”

Lucas thinks over that assessment. It’s not totally inaccurate; the Matthews’ certainly aren’t trying to freeze her out of being there for Auggie or anything like that--they aren’t actively trying to make Riley miserable--but it’s clear that their affection comes with conditions. You either think and act a certain way or you don’t belong. And even though he doesn’t think Riley is all that far from fulfilling every one of those standards in the present day, because she didn’t do exactly what they wanted in high school and refuses to apologize for it or be a doormat any longer, her family is refusing to see that.

His family had been similar, although he had definitely been further away from their idea of what a perfect son was, and they had treated him like that every time he drifted for as long as he could remember, so when he finally realized how wrong it was and had gotten out from under them, it had been a fairly easy choice to cut the cord and decide he wouldn’t deal with them anymore. Riley didn’t have that blessing. She had a family that had loved her unconditionally right up until the point that they didn’t, so she had more dissonance to reconcile in their behaviors; she had something that most everyone would want to try and get back.

Lucas doesn’t want to overstep any boundaries, or give advice where it’s not wanted, but he knows this is a painful and tricky situation and not many people involved can look at it without the blinders of family on. Even Eric, who had done so well to remove her from the toxic situation in the first place is clearly reluctant to do or suggest more, only throwing direct blame tonight when pushed by the situation. Ultimately it feels like, as an outsider who has taken on taking care of Riley, he needs to try and say something. 

“Do you ever think about not coming back? I mean, I get why you’re here for this. It’s Auggie’s wedding, and he’s a good guy and your brother so that’s pretty unavoidable but outside of this...why are you even talking to them at this point?”

[verannaca]

so I saw Frozen 2 for the fourth time

i have so many questions.

there’s a relatively negative (and very long) review beneath the cut so pls read at your own risk. and, of course, spoilers.

I’ve seen Frozen 2 four times now and yikes. I’d kinda hoped it would get better with each viewing, but it’s somehow worse??? I really loved the first movie; it literally changed my life in an incredibly drastic way (don’t ask) but it had been very important to me over the past six years, and...I’m so disappointed.

My initial reaction was disappointment, and I should’ve stuck with it. Like, wtf was that? But some parts were also really well done? It left me so conflicted lol

PROS

Vuelie was a good way to open the film; I quite liked the nostalgia :’)

The intro scene in general was good; I liked seeing more of their parents, although idk what their father was thinking telling them such a tale before bed lmao seems like some shit my mother would do

All is Found is my favourite non-depressing song in the movie, and it opens it beautifully. ERW has a wonderful voice.

The animation really is beautiful; it looks so realistic. Specifically the clouds and the one scene of the waves crashing over the pine trees. It looked amazing!

The music is good but not great. FTFTIF is my favourite; it’s so catchy and cheery. I really liked TNRT, and SY is perfect, but these songs just weren’t as catchy as the ones in Frozen?? I’m thankful for AURORA tho, that was a lovely gift.

Bruni was absolutely adorable (even tho he was an obvious cash-grab for merch lol), 10/10 love Bruni. Bruni + Elsa = even better.

Anna looked absolutely breathtaking throughout the entire movie; the redesign they did animation-wise really works in her favour, and now she’s rocking those Emilia Clarke eyebrows which is a hell yes from me. Her final look gave me all the feels; I can’t say I’m a huge fan of the dress and hairstyle?? it seemed a bit too not Anna, but at the same time, it showed her growth and maturity and I’m very happy with that.

As dark as it was, the shipwreck scene was beautiful. It was handled beautifully; their reactions were devastating. There is a huge con here, but I’ll save that for later.

The ocean battle was really neat. The water looked so good, and Elsa looks good wet???

The whole scene in Ahtohallan was well done; I liked the memories. I wish Anna had been there; she deserved to see her history, too, and it wasn’t fair that Elsa got that spotlight once again.

Everything after Elsa freezing was absolutely breathtaking as well. Anna’s reactions, the song, the scenery-- it was tragically beautiful.

Kristoff had the two best lines in the ENTIRE movie: “I’m here. What do you need?” and “It’s okay. My love is not fragile.” It’s so rare to see a good, supportive relationship in tv/movies, be it heterosexual or homosexual, it doesn’t happen. It’s so rare. So this was a beautiful break from that; the faith he had in her was amazing. Thank u. the real mvp.

The scene with Anna as she accepts the fate of her future; as she takes in a breath and realises/accepts that her home is gone, and her blood family is gone. Everything about it was perfect. You could feel her emptiness. Poor baby needed a hug :(

I liked that Kristoff also hugged Elsa when she returned; it showed that they were friends, which is really important for Anna tbh

I think that’s it for pros??? Now for the cons.

CONS:

Gonna start this off simple: the plot was weak. This is unfortunately not an unpopular opinion; it made no sense. It was too convoluted to the point where nothing was explained.

The pacing was off, and it was ridiculously anti-climactic. The layout in general seemed a bit weird tbh I could definitely sit here and justify all of it, but I shouldn’t have to.

They gave us no reason to gaf about this voice that Elsa was hearing. How long had she been hearing it for? Why was she so drawn to it? Why didn’t she think she was just hearing things? Or maybe she did at one point and then realised she wasn’t crazy? 

There was almost no character development. Elsa was the same as she was in Frozen, but this time, it was just annoying. She never learned or grew. Anna was demoted to a clingy side-character even though she’s the protagonist; I have no words for how frustrating this was to watch. I miss the Kristanna bickering. I liked their dynamic overall; I understand their insecurities and lack of ability to communicate because of it, and I liked how non-toxic they were. Overall, they did love and trust each other; they believed in and supported each other, even though they had a falling out (again and again) and were separated for most of the film (again, wtf?) EA had no development together, and honestly, they were annoying asf as a duo. There was no communication and no understanding. I will say that Anna’s fear and frustration throughout the entire movie was absolutely 100% understandable and sensible; she’d already lost too much before, and wasn’t prepared to lose anything else. I just wish she’d been portrayed a bit differently??? And it would’ve been nice if Elsa had stopped for, like, two minutes to be like, “hey, are you okay, you seem clingy and worried” but instead she just kept running and didn’t gaf.

It was over dramatic for the sake of plot, when it didn’t have to be. Elsa didn’t have to continuously try and push Anna away “for her protection.” They absolutely could’ve done the vast majority of things together. Fuck, they could’ve gone to the dark sea together. Anna could’ve stayed on the beach while Elsa tackled the Nokk. Then when Anna saw that Elsa was perfectly capable of protecting herself, they could’ve parted ways then and done whatever it was they needed to do. Or, Elsa could’ve taken Anna to Ahtohallan?? They may have discovered there that Anna couldn’t enter, but then they’d be given the opportunity to communicate, and Anna would’ve at least been included, since this was her history, too.

If this is a movie about two sisters, why the ever loving fuck is it all about Elsa and her origins? What about Anna’s origins? They were her parents, too. Sure, we ask “why does Elsa have magic,” but why doesn’t Anna have magic? Why was Elsa the “gift”? Why is Anna’s superpower “love”?? And why is that “superpower” only valid when it’s in regards to Elsa? Why is Anna so strong, physically? Emotionally? Personally? Is it just her? Why isn’t she an element, too? What’s with this bridge bullshit? Why the fuckkkk is Elsa the “fifth spirit” when she’s ice and ice is literally just water? I have so many questions.

How the heck was Iduna Northuldra? Did she become “whiter” because she remained inside a castle for twenty years? Or was she always “white passing”? Or was she adopted into the forest? Who are her parents? Did anybody miss her when she ran off to the kingdom? Her scarf was from “one of [their] oldest families” and yet nobody seemed to know who she was? And what do you mean “oldest families”? Are there no remaining members of that family? Nobody who was missing her? Nobody who would’ve recognised her daughters who are literally carbon-copies of her????

The shipwreck scene and the following scene pissed me off soooo much in the theatre lol First, it really was beautiful how they did it, but the interactions felt out of character. Elsa brought up the memories of their parents’ demise without consoling Anna at all. Not only did she just do it without at least a warning, she then proceeded to leave her behind in her own fit. Which, okay, yes, to an extent that makes sense; she was over-ridden by guilt. But those were Anna’s parents too. Elsa was all she had, and Elsa left her behind. I just- AND THEN in this moment of severe grief and horror, as these terrible things were revealed, Anna was pushed away again to be left on her own to deal with things alone. She’d JUST sacrificed her own feelings for Elsa, and Elsa’s response was to shove her away. WHY. I just??? hello??? Like, Elsa does care about Anna, right? That’s canon? So why tf would they write her like this?? jfc

Every single new character was wasted potential. Mattias above all else was very interesting, and should’ve had at least ten minutes more screentime??? I liked the scene of him and Anna discussing whatever, but there should’ve been more. They both cared more about Arendelle than anyone; they were both sworn to protect. There could’ve been more of an on-screen relationship there. (and don’t fucking come at me with your gross-ass ships please, tyvm). Honeymaren and Ryder were there for ??? merchandise? A reason for Elsa to stay behind? Queer-baiting??? I don’t get it. They did,,, nothing. Yelena? Did nothing. Why do these name-characters do nothing?? What’s the point???

This was advertised as a “big adventure” but had hardly any adventure. Frohana was apart for most of the damn movie, the action scenes had little consequences, the “climax” was ??? what, Elsa freezing? Who cares?? It’s obvious she’s going to come back. The wave heading for Arendelle??? Yeah, that would’ve been a good climax if it actually did any damage. But no, I guess Elsa can teleport now? aight. and now she gets to play hero again even though she didn’t do shit

The plot(?) was very predictable, and didnt really have a twist. Old white guy kills innocent POC. Okay. That’s real life, yeah? It’s shit; it happens, but why was this whole movie based around that? Was it a political statement? We don’t really need more political movies these days??? People are aware, and things are shit as is; idk it just felt forced. But this is a v controversial subject so imma shut up lol

THERE ARE NO CONSEQUENCES. Unless you’re Anna. Then you suffer severely cuz,,, fuck her, right? The entire cave thing (as beautiful and needed as it was) could’ve been prevented entirely if Elsa had just fucking communicated. But instead, Anna had to suffer again in such a severe way. Her feelings DID have consequences; they effected her severely and even influenced wreckless behaviour. But then?? it’s all over. And suddenly, it doesn’t matter. Suddenly, who cares? Elsa returns and is (for some unforeseen reason) magically forgiven. This ISN’T HOW SISTERS ARE. If my sister pulled half the shit Elsa did, the first thing she’d be greeted with is a slap across the face and a very loud “fuck you.” THEN she’d get a hug and some tears. You don’t fuck with people’s emotions like that. And the fact that there were no serious consequences is infuriating.

Anna becomes Queen without context. Did she want to be queen? Did she suggest it? Did Elsa decided “eh fuck it i’m bored, your turn” and just dump it on her? Anna is a free-spirit. Yes, she was absolutely devoted to her kingdom; her people always came first; she was an incredibly loving and selfless princess, but was she truly prepared to give up that freedom to be Queen? I think she fits the role beautifully; she was absolutely born to rule. But is she happy? Or is she yet again cleaning up Elsa’s mess, since that seems to be all she does?

Why did Elsa stay in the forest? Is it because she felt like she belonged with the spirits? With the people? Away from civilisation? All of the above? None of the above? And how did that conversation go with Anna? How did she explain; “hey, I know I died and fucked you up and promised that we’d always stay together, but I’ve decided I’m gonna leave you behind again and stay here with these people I barely know.” Did Anna object, or did she see the positives of being away from someone so toxic???? It makes no senseeeee, they were so good together in the first movie; it all feels so out of character. Both of them feel out of character.

There were few (very few) moments in which they really were like themselves:

The charades scene.

“You think I’m c R A Z Y?”

Head tilts with Bruni.

Anna laughing at Elsa’s braid-stache.

Elsa making toys for children.

The pleasant Kristanna scenes at the beginning.

Anna’s anger scenes.

Even Elsa’s personal drama???

but that’s it? I’ve seen it four times in theatre, and a few times online (though mostly in pieces) so I don’t think I missed anything. Perhaps I’m blinded by the frustration that this film caused. Overall:

The plot was weak.

The animation was beautiful.

Kristanna wasn’t the Kristanna we truly know?

Elsa was dramatic and annoying because she had no development.

Anna was demoted to a clingy side-character and was given a half-assed purpose.

The music was meh.

There was too much and yet somehow not enough.

It was a mess.

Six years. SIX. I-

ugh.

final note: PLEASE ANSWER MY QUESTIONS IF I MISSED SOMETHING. I think it’s also important to note that if you went to the theatre for 2 hours of entertainment, that’s great, but not the same as those of us that have dedicated six years of our lives to these characters? So please don’t come @ me if you were just a movie-goer. I also wanna say that there were a lot of parts of this movie that I loved and will hold onto, but overall, the movie as a whole was meh. I LOVED Anna & Elsa in Frozen; they had good development and had reasons for being how they were. They had a good dynamtic and worked well together. I hated their relationship in F2; it was toxic and forced in many ways; they didn’t interact nearly enough, and when they did, they were bitching for the sake of plot, which was very frustrating.

This isn’t a hate post so please don’t come at me lol my opinion is entirely irrelevent in the grand scheme of things, but hey, we’re here to chat and share, right?

sigh.

[ssironstrange]

endgame rant

SPOILERS AHEAD PLEASE AVOID IF YOU HAVENT SEEN IT YET

yeah i know i said i wouldn’t post spoiler shit but listen i gotta get this off my chest ok

i have some REAL BIG FUCKING ISSUES with the way the russos handled a lot of plotlines. don’t get me wrong, this movie was amazing and epic and fucking award worthy, but as a fan i’ve taken offense to a Lot of things.

clint

nothing about his ronin story makes a lick of fucking sense in the mcu. his family is dusted so he…… goes on a mass murdering spree??? decides that he should get a haircut and spend the next five years getting an edgy tattoo sleeve??? um. okay then. destroy the past like 10 years of his character having one of the best moral compasses of the entire team. why did he take up using a fucking SWORD in present day? do you know how long it takes to master swordsmanship at the level he was? with at least half of the world’s teachers gone? more than five fucking years thats for damn sure. and between him and natasha dying for the soul stone? it should have been him. i know he had a family and all but listen. nat went through physical and psychological torture. her body was modified against her will. she was brainwashed and used. and finally, FINALLY she gets free of it all, finds a family in the avengers, and continues to try and better herself to make up for things that weren’t even her fault to begin with. and clint? what did he suffer? oh thats right. nothing. he’s just damn good at his job and loves his family. the fact he has a family sucks for sacrifice, but they are well taken care of and every single one of his kids are old enough to understand AND nat would have stepped in immediately as a parental figure to help laura. they fucking fridged nat for clint and i will never forgive that.

thor

here we go. thor’s character legit made me uncomfortable. they went way overboard with the new thor personality. but… fatshaming and making fun of his very real depression and ptsd?? wtf russos. like, haha he let himself go so funny but its NOT. he wasn’t even like…. fat, for one. just a normal dadbod and beer belly. which by the way seems a lot more realistic according to most norse myths of the gods. they were warriors, yeah, but they drank a fucking lot and feasted a fucking lot so. anyway. thor has lost his entire family. not only that but he watched them all die. he saw his mother bleed out. he watched his father disperse into nothingness. he watched the brother he has loved and cherished no matter the amount of times of betrayal and misdeeds get his neck snapped and his lifeless body thrown to the ground. and then the sister he never knew he had killing almost all of your people and then being forced to find a way to kill her. can you imagine trying to cope with that??? and when you put his age into our perspective, he’s only in his 20s. so imagine seeing your whole family die before you’re even 25, then taking on the responsibility of ruling your people. said surviving people are then massacred in front of you with only a few dozen escaping. THEN living with the guilt of blowing your chance to kill the man responsible for that and unable to stop him from decimating half the universe. (and even when he does get revenge on him, it’s too late) tell me you wouldn’t have an atomic level meltdown. thor is suffering so much and all they can do is make fun of him for it and shame him for it. he deserved better.

steve

yall know i don’t like steve. i don’t hate him and i’m not anti-steve, i’ve just never enjoyed his rather inconsistent character and self-righteousness. it felt like we were FINALLY getting a steve i could get behind in this. a steve that swears like he should. a steve who still puts on a brave face for the public but behind closed doors with friends he’s miserable and broken like the rest of them and SHOWS it to them. a steve who realizes he is stuck in the past and just can’t seem to move forward. a steve who i can finally see the culmination of EVERYTHING he’s been through resting on his shoulders and eating him alive inside. finally we were getting a properly layered steve rogers. and then tony came back and that all fell apart. we didn’t get the apology steve owed him (and tbh tony owed him one too but we’ll get to that), we didn’t get a remorseful steve. he didn’t even address the goddamn issue. he went straight back to his bullshit. admittedly he was a better listener this time around and a far better team player overall. it wasn’t a total loss. but. BUT. his ending? no. hell fucking no. i’m happy he and peggy got their life, but it still shouldn’t have happened. how fucking selfish. how fucking backwards of his character. i get he didn’t have a choice in being brought back into the present and that is unfair and sucks for him, but what fucking right did he have to mess with a timeline like that? what right did he have to just decide without telling anyone he was done and giving up? why did he get the fucking happy ending???? steve rogers who looked tony in the eyes and said he wasn’t the kind of man to lay on the wire for someone copped out. steve rogers who knows of all the social progress we’ve made decides to go back to a time where he would be forced to accept segregation and extreme gender inequality and rampant, blatant, gross racism of all sorts oh and more war and alkjdalksdhkas NO plus they broke their own time travel rules so like whatever i guess right?? it’s okay if steeb gets his stupid happy ending right? god is it SO MUCH TO ASK FOR JUST ONCE TO HAVE A GOOD CHARACTERIZATION OFCAP???? it’s not your fault cevans honey you’re doing amazing your directors just have no fucking idea 

tony

frankly this has been amongst rdj’s best performances of tony. i’m still partial to a lot of his acting in the iron man movies BUT this was FANTASTIC. him finally being allowed to absolutely go off on steve was fucking delicious and everything i was waiting for. let it all out tony baby. buuuuut we should have also had something more. i know my fellow tony stans typically don’t believe it but tony was wrong in civil war too. surprise they both fucking were. ANYWAY. i was waiting for an honest apology between them both. after everything they just went through, NONE of the petty bullshit they went through before matters at all. and yet the closest thing we get is tony just being like “turns out i don’t like to hold grudges” or what the fuck ever. why is it so hard just to make one of them say i’m sorry, the other say i’m sorry, admit it was a bunch of BULLSHIT hug it out and then go forward???? ugh. their choice to make tony suddenly care about his dad and be happy to see him???? disgusting. they made it canon that howard was an abuser, neglectful, cold, and hateful. it’s been a BIG DEAL how tony has struggled with the relationship to his dad because of how shitty the man was to him. and then they do tHAT? fuuuuCK that!!!! i’m not saying tony isn’t allowed to forgive howard. thats fine and expected tbh. but they pushed it way too far. the tony stark we’ve known for the last decade would never get all giddy and happy to see him and hug him and fucking thank him??? what the fuckk?? god that was gross. you know what we should have gotten? what tony deserved more than howard fucking stark? MARIA STARK!! and then, of course, my main issue. they fucking killed him. which only tells us, the audience and fans that no matter what you suffer and sacrifice that your only way to redemption is death. jesus fucking christ i am SO angry over this. they killed the two who suffered the fucking most. the two who every single goddamn day worked on being a better person. nat and tony both deserved so much better than waht they got. how the fuck did it make sense to kill tony who now has a fucking CHILD, who still has a future, who FINALLY FOR ONCE IN HIS FUCKING LIFE FOUND A SHRED OF PEACE????? and then let steve just go selfishly galavant through time as he pleases to have the cute happy ending? FUCK that ending. fuck it right up the ass with a huge unlubed cock. steve should have been the one to use the gauntlet. period. he should have been the one to die like that. i would have still fucking cried but you know what?? that would be the most cap thing ever. i wanted a mirror of pre-serum steve jumping on that grenade, but this time grabbing the gauntlet and not hesitating for a split second to snap. but no. they killed tony who left behind a wife who DESERVED MORE THAN HAVING THE MAN SHES LOVED AND SUPPORTED AND MARRIED AND HAS A CHILD WITH RIPPED AWAY FROM HER!!! tony who left behind a daughter too young to really comprehend yet why her daddy isn’t going to be coming back. fuck you russos. the injustice of it is astounding. i’m never going to get over it. you know how they could have killed tony? if they really felt like they needed to? have him grow old and die naturally of old age with pepper in their cute little lakeside house after watching morgan grow into such a strong and brilliant person. but oh. they gave that to steve. right.

stephen

i’ll never complain about having more stephen content but uhhhh i’m gonna complain that we didn’t get more than what we got cause after sitting in the soulworld for five fucking years you canNOT tell me he didn’t get even stronger with time to practice and meditate and work through every iota of information of mystical shit in his head. and yet they sidelined him??? after we’ve SEEN what he’s capable of in IW? just gonna put him on flood control???? something that any of those goddamn sorcerers could have done while he helps wipe the floor with thanos or any of the thousands of enemies? fuuuuuuuuuck that. can you fucking imagine how quickly thanos would have been taken out if it were wanda, carol, and stephen all three against him? jesus. he’s literally amongst the most powerful people but nah, just have him stand over there.

the gay russo

FUCK you for that. i am LIVID about it. yall can’t fucking make valkyrie bi???? or carol????? yall can’t GET AN ACTUAL GAY ACTOR? “ We felt it was important that one of us play him, to ensure the integrity and show it is so important to the filmmakers that one of us is representing that. “ WHAT????????? are you fucking telling me a WOC WHO IS OUT AS BISEXUAL AND WANTS HER CHARACTER TO BE BISEXUAL COULDNT ENSURE THE INTEGRITY OF AN LGBT CHARACTER???????????????? “ It is a perfect time, because one of the things that is compelling about the Marvel Universe moving forward is its focus on diversity.”  SEE PREVIOUS COMMENT????? oh my god fuck them forever.

lets make rules for our time travel then break them immediately

idek whats going on in the timeline anymore. they utterly fucked up and BROKE the timeline of 2012 avengers after letting loki get away with the tesseract. which should have cascaded into their future but, well, it didn’t. so i GUESS now we’re just pretending that made a new timeline which makes no goddamn sense but whatever i guess. steve going back to completely fuck with his timeline, or a timeline at least, and having no consequences in the future besides being old. okay. sure??? we can do all that but we can’t fucking get natasha back. right. cool. okay.

anyway i’m sure theres more bugging me but these are the things bothering me most.

and frankly i don’t care if anyone disagrees i’m not arguing or debating any of this.