#ADN I DONT EVEN KNOW
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Brb writing a fix it fic
#buddy daddies#buddy daddies ep 10#GOD IT WAS REIS LITTLE HITCHED BREATH WHEN KYUCHAN TOLD THEM SHE HAD TO GO YOU MNOW HE WAS HOLDING BACK TEARS#AND THE SCARF#AND#ADN I DONT EVEN KNOW#IM SO SAD#THEY DESERVE A DAUGHTER WTF WHATS GONNA HAPPEN TO THEM AFTER SHES GONE#THEY LITERALLY ATE SLEPT AND SHOT PEOPLE THATS NOT FUCKING HEALTHY#THEYRE GONNA BE SO MISERAVLE#WHAT THE FUCK#ANYWAH BRB IM GONNA FINISH FUCKING SOBBING AND GO WROTE A BETTER ENDING TO THAT EPISODE
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stardew 1.6 secret cutscene
#stardew valley#stardew valley spoilers#sdv spoilers#sdv#mister qi#thats my farmer on the right…..hehe#if you’re ok with spoilers for the 1.6 update and dont know what this is. they added an alternate version of the perfection cutscene#where if you reach the summit using exploits instead of doing it Correctly. mister qi lectures you in the middle of a glitching hellscape#and then physically attacks you and you wake up in harvey’s clinic. and i have not stopped laughing about it#adn then making the meme made me laugh more because like this is implying he shoved you off the cliff. then went back down to wake you up#to beat you up again#which to me is something he would do. even if you are your grandpa’s grandkid
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we may be getting a little too silly.
#a doodley#listen to me never in my life have i fantasized about getting married or having a wedding#even now i always think about courthouse stuff#and i dont think id wear a dress etc (who knows...havent found neutral wear i enjoy)#but that only covers the Wedding half of thsi. like.#i must admit ive increasingly been having....marital thoughts...adn it sucks#idk whats become of me...ive devolved into being so love obsessed in such a short amt of time...!#i dont even have anybody...#yes marriage is fake whatever but i would like someone to want to marry me...ykwim...#whatever. im so embarrassed. bridal lingerie does go hard as hell though i will have to partake in some of that if the circumstances arise
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back to homestuck. drawing smalletho made me homophobic
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i wish finding people was easier
#never learned how. even when i was mandated to share a building with 400 of them i struggled making connections#idk what to do now. all i do is go to work or stay home. i really dont have anywhere else to go. at least not without spending money#and even if i DID have somewhere to go i dont want 10 million questions about 'where are you going? why do need the car? what if i need it?#my grandmother is SUFFOCATING to be around. she still pulls this shit with my mom too and shes in her 40s#im just. lonely. i feel bad saying i want friends cause i DO have friends. just. not in person#hell i like to have a partner adn ive NEVER had that as a priority before. but i dont know how to get there#and if i did have a partner; or friends; its not like i could take them home. im just stuck.#im struggling for independence and i have no way out
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i dont wanna eat anything or do anything and i just wanna lay around but i also dont wanna do that and i dont wanna watch anything or read anything and idk what i wanna do
#i was supposed to have someone review my resume and i was banking on the fact that maybe talking to someone instead of being alone in my roo#would help me out but the whole appointment system maker thing was messed up so we couldnt even meet#so i literally hvae nothing better to do than wait the next few days to get back to campus#and i was soooo excited to go back to school and i still am cuz i know itll make me feel better being around people#but im just a lot less excited than i was#cuz i just really really hate the idea of having to spend another fall semester getting over someone#like i couldve probably handled spring semester. but fall semester???? when theres already enough desolateness as it is???#like i just hate hate htae the idea of being on buses and starting to cry again and its midnight at 4pm when im crying#and theres people everywhere and the wrost part is shes literally on the same campus as me!!! so now i might actually see her!!!#and i dont want to!!!#i want to be friends but right now i know if i see her again ill just start sobbing on the spot#i was so excited for thsi fall sem but now im just notttt#and i know ill be busier (hopefully) this sem so im sure ill be better off than last year#but still like. idfk i dont know what to do. i think i just need to hear someone elses voice#im supposed to talk to my friend later today so maybe thatll help#cuz im kinda ready to tell someone about it but what if she telsl me she cant call what am i suppsoed to doooo#cuz last year the person iw as getting over lived a bajillion miles from me so it was easier!!! but she and I live 5 mins from each other#AND SHES FREINDS WITH LIKE ALL MY ROOMMATES#THEYRE ALL HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS !!!!#GODDDD.#i mean there are def upsides to this . for example its good we broke up now#cuz imagine if we broke up cuz of a fight and then thered be a big issue in the friend group#but it ended well and i dont think our friends / roommates will be 'picking sides'#as long as i just dont do anything drastic lol#adn who knows maybe our friendship will bounce back and i really hope it does!!#but she and i didnt start off as friends we kinda went into this knowing we were into each other to begin with#so like how do i be friends with her you know???#and friendship is soo important to me so its not like i dont want to be friends with her. i really really do. i just dont know how itll wor#like i value friendship over romantic relationships any day but also our relationship felt so deep to me#which is why im scared that we wont be friends even though i know we both want to be
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hey google. how do i say that im uncomfortable with being described as looking attractive/don't see it as a compliment without sounding like i hate myself
#spire rambles#like. i mean obviously there's the 'i'm a child' part of it#but even coming from people my own age it's. im aroace and repulsed on both ends#but i know a lot of other aroace people are like. dont mind that. so maybe it's just a me problem idk#like my self esteem is pretty high i think!! but i don't want people to think i'm attractive. even if theyre not /attracted/ to me#& i fuckifn love being complimented. like .. call me cool or funny or nice or something like that#but. if you call me cute or hot or anything like that's not a /compliment/ to me i will simply Get Uncomfortable Adn Leave#if you Must compliment my appearance like. compliment something specific about it. 'i like your hair' 'your outfit looks so good on you' et#yk?
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dryheaving rn i cant breathe whriutyeriufnkds WAEEEEEEEEEE i capital n Need him. im im im im yeah no thanks like guys Stopwhat if i die I NEED HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sorry im crazy i love sunghoon so much guys hes so special to me and he always will be like he makes me laugh and smile and hes the most gorgeous man itw and when he smiles an angel is born and babies laugh and double rainbows form and the sun shines and birds sing and hes like a the marias song or a stephen sanchez song or a sabrina carpenter song specifically from eyes wide open more specifically best thing i got and i hope hes happy always and i hope the world explodes when hes sad
#⠀⠀──⠀⠀dumb & poetic. ㅤ#middle picture third line.#I CSANT BTEUTYARE#I WANT HIM SO BAD IAUEWFHER#okay Sunghoon theme Soon probablu.#wowowoowow im actually sick whys he so gorgeous#i need him btw#hes my boyf for reals.......#sorry i kind of spiraled originally it stopped after i need him but then i looked at him again adn Well.#I LOVE HIM SO MUCH :((((((#hes my muse everything i do and think and look at is for or about him#hes just so special to me once again like idk guys stop#GET ME OUT OFTHIS ENGENE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#why isnt he real im so sad#sometimes i watch his old lives when im going to bed cos his voice is so comforting and i like seeing him being happy Stop. im kmsing#he makes me so HAPPYYYY im crying these pictures arent even that life changing compared to shirtless sunghoon but#I DONT KNOW lately hes been so happy and it makes me cry cos i missed him sooo much and im glad hes happier now#okay cringe bye i need to be sedated something about him makes me want to kiss his cheeks and hug him like#regardless of delusionness or whatever hes one of my favorite people ever i am very happy to be alive at the same time as him#imagine i missed him like what would my life even be#okay for real bye this is the most parasocial thing i have ever written he doesnt know me and i dont know him But.#i want him to be successful always#made this at 12:31AM CST.
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cw sui thoughts+ ideation
literally hoping i die why am i having the worst night ever
im such a loserfailure everything sucks i wnat to die im so tired
i hate myself sm idk how to punish myself worse itll never be good enough:( whatever i just want everyone else to be happy and i cant even do that i dont. even know hwy im here at this point :((((((((
#.vent#cw sui ideation#cw sui#tw sui#online is like. the only place that im happy and safe feeling#td was so triggering for no reason at all#it didnt have to be#but i kept fucking up adn everyone kept saying stuff#i do my best to put them first and make them happy no matter what even if it hurts me and they still just hurt me over and over i dont know#whe nitll be good enough when anything i do will ever be goodenough#fucking whatever im jsut gonna. hope it all gets better even though it never will#im not fixable </3#escapism mainlined into my brain til then ig#sorry for venting
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now heres the thing is my rule is i have to live on my own for a year before im allowed to get a pet but also consider what if i had a little friend .
#in my heart i want a wawa so badly it hurts but alsoooo i worry quite a bit bc like. i work full time... so el wawa would be at home alone a#lot and one thing about the beautiful adorable majestic chihuahua is they have to pee every 3-4 hours. so i would have to have some way to#let them out OR keep them outside while im at work but another thing is 1. apartments dont generally have backyards#2. chihuahuas get cold very easily .... i could do some ssort of doggy daycare but i fear that would be expensive .... and i hate pee pads#and would prefer not 2 use them so i dont rly have much optionn 😭 but i want a chihuahua so badly.#but ALSO. a kitty cat.... i love cats i think theyre really quite sweetsies and also i think they could handle living in an apartment bette#esp since famously cats use the bathroom indoors. u may know.#so... i could potentially get a kitty..... but also i dont want to get one until im absolutely positive i could take good care of it and i#feel like i could esp now that ive got a system that works so well 4 motivating me to do my daily tasks yk. and also i think if i had my ow#apartment id feel a lot safer just like. being up and around the apartment so thatd be good... but also pets r expensive. but also the apt#i just applied to is rly quite cheap (like 1050 a month) its income restricted but i qualify by like a lot LMAO... n this would be perfect#bc 1050 is likee. not even a full paycheck i could pay rent with 1 paycheck and still have like 150 left over and then my other paycheck fo#the month is fully mine... so i could save up lots#+ wsg is included in the rent whichhh is insane. adn the apartment is cute and Trust . alarm bells were going off a bit bc i was like maybe#this is too good to be true we all remember the 800$ scam incident. but its a verified listing and i checked the propertymanagers and theyr#legit... its even got a washer and dryer IN UNIT and also a fitness center which is good bc i wanna try n start doing more cardio...#IT EVEN HAS A FIREPLACE i dont particularly need a fireplace but its cool 2 have one i could make smores right in my very own living room#AND ITS NOT A STUDIO its a 1 br...#grahhh i rly rly rly want ittt ik i prolly wont get it but :[
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i am so fucking tired.
#im so fucking SICK of this bullshit#there is something seriously wrong except there just... isnt#and not one person is capable of the slgihtest amount of fucking sympathy#i spent the entire weekend thinking i had fucking brain cancer and not one person even tried to be useful#i am so fucking exhausted#i am sick of feeling alone adn im sick of needing to deal with the m#i cant fucking take any of this anymore#i dont know what to do anymore#i have never felt as alone as i have this year#for once in my life i just want to feel like they fucking care and i cant even have that
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idk what s been up with me lately
#im just always exhausted#i just wanna lay in bed n i dont have the energy 2 talk to anyone and i feel bad#and i havent been feeling it with my art#i finally started on my P&P annotations adn that helped#i think im really stressed about school#ive been having nightmares about not knowing where to find my classes and being late and stuff#im so terrified !!! of failing that shit Even though i never do i always get off my human game and on my machine grind
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my tablet pen stopped working gahhhhhhhhh
#idk if its just old and not working right or cuz i havent downloaded everything onto this new laptop#i dont have any of the user manuals anymore tho so gah i dont even know how to set it up on the computer end#but also like it was working ! i just plugged it in adn it was working#and then it just stopped after like an hour. like. ok#my tablet itself is connected just fine but the pen isnt#i cant remembr if its suppoed to be wireless or not but i have it plugged into my laptop anyway#i feel like its supposed to be wireless and the wire is just to charge it#but idfk bc even when its plugged in its just not working#i see the red light on inside of it but when i put it to my tablet it just wont register#like theres just no tablet-pen communication going on for whatever reason#and i cant remember does red mean its fully charged or that its currently charging. argh. gahhh#i havent used this thing in five fucking yearsssssssss#brot posts
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tbh snooping on my ex doesnt even hurt bc of him directly atp- im glad he's getting better and happier. what hurts is seeing ppl who claimed that no matter what they'd be there for us both who chose him bc he played victim so well
#like these ppl literally would be like omg we need to get to know each otehr better#and then when i would try to spend quality time with them he would insert himself or 'suddenly' have a crisis#and i would have to do damage control#to the point i snapped#and the first 2 times i snapped were angry and violent (suicide attempt and kicking him out almost 1y apart) i wont deny it#but like i immediately became the bad guy#nevermind all the shit he did to me! they immediately believed him cause he's a poor little white guy who is easy to infantilize#honestly this is the msot ive talked abt this here cause im STILL scared of him seeing my accts#i dont even think he'd do much atp but like the fact that i had to erase my ENTIRE online self to get away from him fully#cause the first time i didnt and he made Multiple accts to get me back#and preyed on the fact im a little gullible and was suffering from extreme paranoia#and its like..... ALL that is just scratching the surface!#there was so much mental fuckery and pain caused by this dude#not to mention the sheer number of times he'd try to kill himself in front of me so i could be responsible for his death#literally from when we met there was 7 attempts/ODs where he REPEATED that it was my fault#as early as when we first met he started doing that and i felt so responsible#like i do not deny homeboy was suffering in his own ways but the way he projected his pain on to#me has caused so much gd damn damage#adn the fact that when i had to LITERALLY run from him after the last one to the point i was thinking of moving across the country when#i left#and these ppl STILL shut me out after i refused to "just try talking to him bc he didnt mean it liek that#like what the fuck else does throwing a bottle at someone;s head and swallowing pills right outside their door after screaming at them bc#they had to either move into their dads or be on the street cause they couldnt trust the 'secured' housing after being homeless for a 1.5yr#bc he kept pawning ppls shit and stealing items from bedrooms and they couldnt handle being on the street AGAIN bc they were always#the fall guy#like what else is that situation supposed to mean!#what is it supposed to mean when someone who claimed to love you causes mental and physical harm to you when you try to explain#that you are TIRED of cleaning up their messes cause their messes ahve isolated you#that you need to live at home so u could actually finish ur degree even if home isnt much better cause at least its constant shelter to fin#the degree that he's been depending on u for and pressuring you to finish so u can get a job bc he was incapable of being sober for more
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uh oh gamers
#there is a nonzero chance i suddenly have to replace my Entire laptop#lichrally. dont even know what to do abt that.#ive been worrying abt it for months and months and its probably fixable but.#im so nervous besties <33 im broke!#piktalk#uaaah . uwawah. im not gonna say too much but.#genuinely could b abt to be the start of my villain arc adn i am Barely Joking(tm)
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how am i only 3 episodes into peaky blinders and already hopelessly in love with tommy shelby.
#feeling completely blindsided rn.#i dont even know what it is about him#actually thats a lie.#i keep comparing him to kaz brekker in my mind#and also the way he looks at grace adn the way sfhaes djfhganuskl#im going to scream.#peaky blinders#tommy shelby#im okay.#im fine. its fine.#i lied im not okay i already did the math on how many episodes are in the show and how many hours it will tak eme to finish and there are#too few episodes per season because now i am going to binge it.#i just got back to school i dont have time for this.
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