#ADN I DONT EVEN KNOW
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Brb writing a fix it fic
#buddy daddies#buddy daddies ep 10#GOD IT WAS REIS LITTLE HITCHED BREATH WHEN KYUCHAN TOLD THEM SHE HAD TO GO YOU MNOW HE WAS HOLDING BACK TEARS#AND THE SCARF#AND#ADN I DONT EVEN KNOW#IM SO SAD#THEY DESERVE A DAUGHTER WTF WHATS GONNA HAPPEN TO THEM AFTER SHES GONE#THEY LITERALLY ATE SLEPT AND SHOT PEOPLE THATS NOT FUCKING HEALTHY#THEYRE GONNA BE SO MISERAVLE#WHAT THE FUCK#ANYWAH BRB IM GONNA FINISH FUCKING SOBBING AND GO WROTE A BETTER ENDING TO THAT EPISODE
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stardew 1.6 secret cutscene
#stardew valley#stardew valley spoilers#sdv spoilers#sdv#mister qi#thats my farmer on the right…..hehe#if you’re ok with spoilers for the 1.6 update and dont know what this is. they added an alternate version of the perfection cutscene#where if you reach the summit using exploits instead of doing it Correctly. mister qi lectures you in the middle of a glitching hellscape#and then physically attacks you and you wake up in harvey’s clinic. and i have not stopped laughing about it#adn then making the meme made me laugh more because like this is implying he shoved you off the cliff. then went back down to wake you up#to beat you up again#which to me is something he would do. even if you are your grandpa’s grandkid
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we may be getting a little too silly.
#a doodley#listen to me never in my life have i fantasized about getting married or having a wedding#even now i always think about courthouse stuff#and i dont think id wear a dress etc (who knows...havent found neutral wear i enjoy)#but that only covers the Wedding half of thsi. like.#i must admit ive increasingly been having....marital thoughts...adn it sucks#idk whats become of me...ive devolved into being so love obsessed in such a short amt of time...!#i dont even have anybody...#yes marriage is fake whatever but i would like someone to want to marry me...ykwim...#whatever. im so embarrassed. bridal lingerie does go hard as hell though i will have to partake in some of that if the circumstances arise
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don’t eat us
- sincerely, an ant
i am trying so hard don't evenb worry about it...... eveyry time i get the urges i conjure powerful images of desert leaf & roots & friuit fly sandiwhch intomy mind
#to update my loyal followars i am on a strict no ants diet now#i met some annts and now we ar e frends!#(if i'm going to be real with you guys its mostlty because they honestly k ind of scare me. they bite SO HARD!!!!!)#(adn dont even get me started on ant politics theyve got some crazy stuff going on down there!!!! and they say big words like#diplomacy and um architecture.)#(when did ants learn how to write and make contracts???and politics??? and religion i think or something????)#(actualy i think that one guys just crazy none of the rest really do thst)#(if any kf you know about ants really good can you explain to me i am havibg a really hard time with adjusting to antsociety right now....)
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back to homestuck. drawing smalletho made me homophobic
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i wish finding people was easier
#never learned how. even when i was mandated to share a building with 400 of them i struggled making connections#idk what to do now. all i do is go to work or stay home. i really dont have anywhere else to go. at least not without spending money#and even if i DID have somewhere to go i dont want 10 million questions about 'where are you going? why do need the car? what if i need it?#my grandmother is SUFFOCATING to be around. she still pulls this shit with my mom too and shes in her 40s#im just. lonely. i feel bad saying i want friends cause i DO have friends. just. not in person#hell i like to have a partner adn ive NEVER had that as a priority before. but i dont know how to get there#and if i did have a partner; or friends; its not like i could take them home. im just stuck.#im struggling for independence and i have no way out
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i dont wanna eat anything or do anything and i just wanna lay around but i also dont wanna do that and i dont wanna watch anything or read anything and idk what i wanna do
#i was supposed to have someone review my resume and i was banking on the fact that maybe talking to someone instead of being alone in my roo#would help me out but the whole appointment system maker thing was messed up so we couldnt even meet#so i literally hvae nothing better to do than wait the next few days to get back to campus#and i was soooo excited to go back to school and i still am cuz i know itll make me feel better being around people#but im just a lot less excited than i was#cuz i just really really hate the idea of having to spend another fall semester getting over someone#like i couldve probably handled spring semester. but fall semester???? when theres already enough desolateness as it is???#like i just hate hate htae the idea of being on buses and starting to cry again and its midnight at 4pm when im crying#and theres people everywhere and the wrost part is shes literally on the same campus as me!!! so now i might actually see her!!!#and i dont want to!!!#i want to be friends but right now i know if i see her again ill just start sobbing on the spot#i was so excited for thsi fall sem but now im just notttt#and i know ill be busier (hopefully) this sem so im sure ill be better off than last year#but still like. idfk i dont know what to do. i think i just need to hear someone elses voice#im supposed to talk to my friend later today so maybe thatll help#cuz im kinda ready to tell someone about it but what if she telsl me she cant call what am i suppsoed to doooo#cuz last year the person iw as getting over lived a bajillion miles from me so it was easier!!! but she and I live 5 mins from each other#AND SHES FREINDS WITH LIKE ALL MY ROOMMATES#THEYRE ALL HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS !!!!#GODDDD.#i mean there are def upsides to this . for example its good we broke up now#cuz imagine if we broke up cuz of a fight and then thered be a big issue in the friend group#but it ended well and i dont think our friends / roommates will be 'picking sides'#as long as i just dont do anything drastic lol#adn who knows maybe our friendship will bounce back and i really hope it does!!#but she and i didnt start off as friends we kinda went into this knowing we were into each other to begin with#so like how do i be friends with her you know???#and friendship is soo important to me so its not like i dont want to be friends with her. i really really do. i just dont know how itll wor#like i value friendship over romantic relationships any day but also our relationship felt so deep to me#which is why im scared that we wont be friends even though i know we both want to be
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hey google. how do i say that im uncomfortable with being described as looking attractive/don't see it as a compliment without sounding like i hate myself
#spire rambles#like. i mean obviously there's the 'i'm a child' part of it#but even coming from people my own age it's. im aroace and repulsed on both ends#but i know a lot of other aroace people are like. dont mind that. so maybe it's just a me problem idk#like my self esteem is pretty high i think!! but i don't want people to think i'm attractive. even if theyre not /attracted/ to me#& i fuckifn love being complimented. like .. call me cool or funny or nice or something like that#but. if you call me cute or hot or anything like that's not a /compliment/ to me i will simply Get Uncomfortable Adn Leave#if you Must compliment my appearance like. compliment something specific about it. 'i like your hair' 'your outfit looks so good on you' et#yk?
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cw sui thoughts+ ideation
literally hoping i die why am i having the worst night ever
im such a loserfailure everything sucks i wnat to die im so tired
i hate myself sm idk how to punish myself worse itll never be good enough:( whatever i just want everyone else to be happy and i cant even do that i dont. even know hwy im here at this point :((((((((
#.vent#cw sui ideation#cw sui#tw sui#online is like. the only place that im happy and safe feeling#td was so triggering for no reason at all#it didnt have to be#but i kept fucking up adn everyone kept saying stuff#i do my best to put them first and make them happy no matter what even if it hurts me and they still just hurt me over and over i dont know#whe nitll be good enough when anything i do will ever be goodenough#fucking whatever im jsut gonna. hope it all gets better even though it never will#im not fixable </3#escapism mainlined into my brain til then ig#sorry for venting
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now heres the thing is my rule is i have to live on my own for a year before im allowed to get a pet but also consider what if i had a little friend .
#in my heart i want a wawa so badly it hurts but alsoooo i worry quite a bit bc like. i work full time... so el wawa would be at home alone a#lot and one thing about the beautiful adorable majestic chihuahua is they have to pee every 3-4 hours. so i would have to have some way to#let them out OR keep them outside while im at work but another thing is 1. apartments dont generally have backyards#2. chihuahuas get cold very easily .... i could do some ssort of doggy daycare but i fear that would be expensive .... and i hate pee pads#and would prefer not 2 use them so i dont rly have much optionn 😭 but i want a chihuahua so badly.#but ALSO. a kitty cat.... i love cats i think theyre really quite sweetsies and also i think they could handle living in an apartment bette#esp since famously cats use the bathroom indoors. u may know.#so... i could potentially get a kitty..... but also i dont want to get one until im absolutely positive i could take good care of it and i#feel like i could esp now that ive got a system that works so well 4 motivating me to do my daily tasks yk. and also i think if i had my ow#apartment id feel a lot safer just like. being up and around the apartment so thatd be good... but also pets r expensive. but also the apt#i just applied to is rly quite cheap (like 1050 a month) its income restricted but i qualify by like a lot LMAO... n this would be perfect#bc 1050 is likee. not even a full paycheck i could pay rent with 1 paycheck and still have like 150 left over and then my other paycheck fo#the month is fully mine... so i could save up lots#+ wsg is included in the rent whichhh is insane. adn the apartment is cute and Trust . alarm bells were going off a bit bc i was like maybe#this is too good to be true we all remember the 800$ scam incident. but its a verified listing and i checked the propertymanagers and theyr#legit... its even got a washer and dryer IN UNIT and also a fitness center which is good bc i wanna try n start doing more cardio...#IT EVEN HAS A FIREPLACE i dont particularly need a fireplace but its cool 2 have one i could make smores right in my very own living room#AND ITS NOT A STUDIO its a 1 br...#grahhh i rly rly rly want ittt ik i prolly wont get it but :[
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i am so fucking tired.
#im so fucking SICK of this bullshit#there is something seriously wrong except there just... isnt#and not one person is capable of the slgihtest amount of fucking sympathy#i spent the entire weekend thinking i had fucking brain cancer and not one person even tried to be useful#i am so fucking exhausted#i am sick of feeling alone adn im sick of needing to deal with the m#i cant fucking take any of this anymore#i dont know what to do anymore#i have never felt as alone as i have this year#for once in my life i just want to feel like they fucking care and i cant even have that
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idk what s been up with me lately
#im just always exhausted#i just wanna lay in bed n i dont have the energy 2 talk to anyone and i feel bad#and i havent been feeling it with my art#i finally started on my P&P annotations adn that helped#i think im really stressed about school#ive been having nightmares about not knowing where to find my classes and being late and stuff#im so terrified !!! of failing that shit Even though i never do i always get off my human game and on my machine grind
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my tablet pen stopped working gahhhhhhhhh
#idk if its just old and not working right or cuz i havent downloaded everything onto this new laptop#i dont have any of the user manuals anymore tho so gah i dont even know how to set it up on the computer end#but also like it was working ! i just plugged it in adn it was working#and then it just stopped after like an hour. like. ok#my tablet itself is connected just fine but the pen isnt#i cant remembr if its suppoed to be wireless or not but i have it plugged into my laptop anyway#i feel like its supposed to be wireless and the wire is just to charge it#but idfk bc even when its plugged in its just not working#i see the red light on inside of it but when i put it to my tablet it just wont register#like theres just no tablet-pen communication going on for whatever reason#and i cant remember does red mean its fully charged or that its currently charging. argh. gahhh#i havent used this thing in five fucking yearsssssssss#brot posts
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yeah no the conversation needs to happen. im not leaving it on that depressing ass note lmfao
#astro tries to write#took a break. took a walk. which orignally had a purpose more than taht#but i forgt my wallet so i have to go out again in like an hour to actaully get the thing#which is very annoying. but i actually feel liek i Can do it. instead of feeling incapable to try again#but anyways bc i have to do that. and have decide that yes this fic does need the second half. and i know ao3 is gonna be down later on#this fci mght not get out today today (aka today for me this aussie)#but its not skipping a day. bc even if it might tehcically double up. in spirit its def todays fic#and ill also do another one tmr#just ending it on speeyd being sad and angry was too much.#like obv i would have wrapped it up a little bit and some more introspection would be had#but like really what is needed is a conversation with sidearms (and maybe bz can be there also?)#like my guys need to speak to each other#but god im gonna do them so dirty. writign for speedy im just thrwoing in italics and some of his stupid words#but for how much i listen to speedy and side talk to each other i rly dont think im gonna write for them well#at least i have the excuse of its a serious convo adn they have never those lol
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Listening to Girl in Red's i wanna be your girlfriend on repeat in my room alone rn. No reason. Just for funsies.
#me when i LIE#actually sobbing because I think I have a crush on my best friend but I don't think she likes me like that#but really I'm not sure because she's been more friendly with me lately adn has been dropping what MIGHT be hints#also we already technically dated but that was when I was a boy and also in like seventh grade so#would she think it's wierd for us to date again?#also i might be dropping what she might be seeing as hints but really aren't#like I told her my favorite girl in red song is i wanna be your girlfriend#because we were talking about girl in red#which i am okay with her seeing as a hint#but also i was joking about how i like dick because i do because when i think dick i think girl dick but when she thinks dick#she thinks man dick and she went#wait arent you a lesbian? and i am but everytime this comes up the conversation changes before i can plead my case#so now im worried she thinks thats a hint that i dont like her because shes cis and i dont make jokes about how i like pussy because#imposter lesbian syndrome#also we were having a class meeting about prom and she said TWICE#id like to be on the prom court#and BOTH TIMES i not only didnt pick up the possible hint i fucking BUNGLED it and accidentally shut her down by saying#no way me too#but i think we'd have to go with guys ew#cause you know they dont do two queens or two kings#but our school does let you choose what ballot you want to be on#so ive been wondering if we could go together and one of us signs up on the king list and just dresses butch#the problem with that is i would want to do a rock paper scissors#hehe scissors lesbian#thing and thats how we decide who will be butch#but i cant risk losing because i dont pass well enough to pull off a suit as a girl#i wouldnt want to force her to do that though#even though she would probably look cute in a suit#raven caws
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missed my classes today after doing something IVE DONE MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE [sleep harder after falling back asleep in the mornings]
guess who has to go to bed at 8:30 PM rather than 1am BECAUSE SHE MISSED ONE FUCKING DAY OF FUCKING ONLINE SCHOOL
#im gonna wake my child up at 7 somthing because shes in online school and usually gets up 30 min before her first class#and her first class today is at 8:30#and shes not gonna go back to sleep since she said 'ok' to me#charbeloved says#FUCKING HELL DAD I DID WHAT YOU DO#“if it takes you being bored out of your mind” I WILL START RETHINKING EVERYTHING AGAIN#THERES A REASON IM HAPPY NOW#ITS BECAUSE IM NOT TRYING TO SLEEP WITH THE LITTLE VOICE IN THE BACK OF MY MIND TELLING ME IM A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT#AND ALL I DO IS FCUK THINGS UP AND MAKE EVERYTHING JUST THAT MUCH MORE DEPRESSING AND ANNOYING AND NOTHING I WILL DO WILL EVER BE GOOD ENOU#ADN THAT I DONT EVEN DESERVE TO LIVE OR THAT I DONT DESERVE SHIT#THAT LITTLE VOICE#WHEN I HAVE TO GO TO BED AT A REASONABLE HOUR AND NOT WHEN I JUST FALL ASLEEP THATS ALL I CAN FOCUS ON#YES MUSIC HELPS#BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN THAT STUPID VOICE ISNT LOUDER THAN USUAL#LIKE GOODNESS#I DONT CARE ABOUT THE WAY MY BODY CONTORTS WHEN I JUST FALL ASLEEP#BUT WHEN I HAVE TO FORCE IT ITS NEVER GOOD ENOUGH#I WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU#AND IM SORRY ABOUT THAT#I NEED THERAPY AND I GET THATS EXPENSIVE#BUT THERES A LOT OF SHIT YOU DONT FUCKING KNOW ABOUT ME DAD#I NEED TO BE ABLE TO GO TO BED AT WHATEVER TIME#I ACTUALLY FALL ASLEEP *QUICKER*#I HAD A *SCHEDULE*#NOT ANYMORE MR.#LIKE I WILL SAY OKAY TO ANY AND EVERYTHING WHILE ASLEEP#YOU COULD ASK ME WHAT MY FAVORITE COLOR IS 'ok'
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