#ADN I DONT EVEN KNOW
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Brb writing a fix it fic
#buddy daddies#buddy daddies ep 10#GOD IT WAS REIS LITTLE HITCHED BREATH WHEN KYUCHAN TOLD THEM SHE HAD TO GO YOU MNOW HE WAS HOLDING BACK TEARS#AND THE SCARF#AND#ADN I DONT EVEN KNOW#IM SO SAD#THEY DESERVE A DAUGHTER WTF WHATS GONNA HAPPEN TO THEM AFTER SHES GONE#THEY LITERALLY ATE SLEPT AND SHOT PEOPLE THATS NOT FUCKING HEALTHY#THEYRE GONNA BE SO MISERAVLE#WHAT THE FUCK#ANYWAH BRB IM GONNA FINISH FUCKING SOBBING AND GO WROTE A BETTER ENDING TO THAT EPISODE
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stardew 1.6 secret cutscene
#stardew valley#stardew valley spoilers#sdv spoilers#sdv#mister qi#thats my farmer on the right…..hehe#if you’re ok with spoilers for the 1.6 update and dont know what this is. they added an alternate version of the perfection cutscene#where if you reach the summit using exploits instead of doing it Correctly. mister qi lectures you in the middle of a glitching hellscape#and then physically attacks you and you wake up in harvey’s clinic. and i have not stopped laughing about it#adn then making the meme made me laugh more because like this is implying he shoved you off the cliff. then went back down to wake you up#to beat you up again#which to me is something he would do. even if you are your grandpa’s grandkid
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we may be getting a little too silly.
#a doodley#listen to me never in my life have i fantasized about getting married or having a wedding#even now i always think about courthouse stuff#and i dont think id wear a dress etc (who knows...havent found neutral wear i enjoy)#but that only covers the Wedding half of thsi. like.#i must admit ive increasingly been having....marital thoughts...adn it sucks#idk whats become of me...ive devolved into being so love obsessed in such a short amt of time...!#i dont even have anybody...#yes marriage is fake whatever but i would like someone to want to marry me...ykwim...#whatever. im so embarrassed. bridal lingerie does go hard as hell though i will have to partake in some of that if the circumstances arise
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back to homestuck. drawing smalletho made me homophobic
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i wish finding people was easier
#never learned how. even when i was mandated to share a building with 400 of them i struggled making connections#idk what to do now. all i do is go to work or stay home. i really dont have anywhere else to go. at least not without spending money#and even if i DID have somewhere to go i dont want 10 million questions about 'where are you going? why do need the car? what if i need it?#my grandmother is SUFFOCATING to be around. she still pulls this shit with my mom too and shes in her 40s#im just. lonely. i feel bad saying i want friends cause i DO have friends. just. not in person#hell i like to have a partner adn ive NEVER had that as a priority before. but i dont know how to get there#and if i did have a partner; or friends; its not like i could take them home. im just stuck.#im struggling for independence and i have no way out
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i dont wanna eat anything or do anything and i just wanna lay around but i also dont wanna do that and i dont wanna watch anything or read anything and idk what i wanna do
#i was supposed to have someone review my resume and i was banking on the fact that maybe talking to someone instead of being alone in my roo#would help me out but the whole appointment system maker thing was messed up so we couldnt even meet#so i literally hvae nothing better to do than wait the next few days to get back to campus#and i was soooo excited to go back to school and i still am cuz i know itll make me feel better being around people#but im just a lot less excited than i was#cuz i just really really hate the idea of having to spend another fall semester getting over someone#like i couldve probably handled spring semester. but fall semester???? when theres already enough desolateness as it is???#like i just hate hate htae the idea of being on buses and starting to cry again and its midnight at 4pm when im crying#and theres people everywhere and the wrost part is shes literally on the same campus as me!!! so now i might actually see her!!!#and i dont want to!!!#i want to be friends but right now i know if i see her again ill just start sobbing on the spot#i was so excited for thsi fall sem but now im just notttt#and i know ill be busier (hopefully) this sem so im sure ill be better off than last year#but still like. idfk i dont know what to do. i think i just need to hear someone elses voice#im supposed to talk to my friend later today so maybe thatll help#cuz im kinda ready to tell someone about it but what if she telsl me she cant call what am i suppsoed to doooo#cuz last year the person iw as getting over lived a bajillion miles from me so it was easier!!! but she and I live 5 mins from each other#AND SHES FREINDS WITH LIKE ALL MY ROOMMATES#THEYRE ALL HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS !!!!#GODDDD.#i mean there are def upsides to this . for example its good we broke up now#cuz imagine if we broke up cuz of a fight and then thered be a big issue in the friend group#but it ended well and i dont think our friends / roommates will be 'picking sides'#as long as i just dont do anything drastic lol#adn who knows maybe our friendship will bounce back and i really hope it does!!#but she and i didnt start off as friends we kinda went into this knowing we were into each other to begin with#so like how do i be friends with her you know???#and friendship is soo important to me so its not like i dont want to be friends with her. i really really do. i just dont know how itll wor#like i value friendship over romantic relationships any day but also our relationship felt so deep to me#which is why im scared that we wont be friends even though i know we both want to be
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hey google. how do i say that im uncomfortable with being described as looking attractive/don't see it as a compliment without sounding like i hate myself
#spire rambles#like. i mean obviously there's the 'i'm a child' part of it#but even coming from people my own age it's. im aroace and repulsed on both ends#but i know a lot of other aroace people are like. dont mind that. so maybe it's just a me problem idk#like my self esteem is pretty high i think!! but i don't want people to think i'm attractive. even if theyre not /attracted/ to me#& i fuckifn love being complimented. like .. call me cool or funny or nice or something like that#but. if you call me cute or hot or anything like that's not a /compliment/ to me i will simply Get Uncomfortable Adn Leave#if you Must compliment my appearance like. compliment something specific about it. 'i like your hair' 'your outfit looks so good on you' et#yk?
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cw sui thoughts+ ideation
literally hoping i die why am i having the worst night ever
im such a loserfailure everything sucks i wnat to die im so tired
i hate myself sm idk how to punish myself worse itll never be good enough:( whatever i just want everyone else to be happy and i cant even do that i dont. even know hwy im here at this point :((((((((
#.vent#cw sui ideation#cw sui#tw sui#online is like. the only place that im happy and safe feeling#td was so triggering for no reason at all#it didnt have to be#but i kept fucking up adn everyone kept saying stuff#i do my best to put them first and make them happy no matter what even if it hurts me and they still just hurt me over and over i dont know#whe nitll be good enough when anything i do will ever be goodenough#fucking whatever im jsut gonna. hope it all gets better even though it never will#im not fixable </3#escapism mainlined into my brain til then ig#sorry for venting
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now heres the thing is my rule is i have to live on my own for a year before im allowed to get a pet but also consider what if i had a little friend .
#in my heart i want a wawa so badly it hurts but alsoooo i worry quite a bit bc like. i work full time... so el wawa would be at home alone a#lot and one thing about the beautiful adorable majestic chihuahua is they have to pee every 3-4 hours. so i would have to have some way to#let them out OR keep them outside while im at work but another thing is 1. apartments dont generally have backyards#2. chihuahuas get cold very easily .... i could do some ssort of doggy daycare but i fear that would be expensive .... and i hate pee pads#and would prefer not 2 use them so i dont rly have much optionn 😭 but i want a chihuahua so badly.#but ALSO. a kitty cat.... i love cats i think theyre really quite sweetsies and also i think they could handle living in an apartment bette#esp since famously cats use the bathroom indoors. u may know.#so... i could potentially get a kitty..... but also i dont want to get one until im absolutely positive i could take good care of it and i#feel like i could esp now that ive got a system that works so well 4 motivating me to do my daily tasks yk. and also i think if i had my ow#apartment id feel a lot safer just like. being up and around the apartment so thatd be good... but also pets r expensive. but also the apt#i just applied to is rly quite cheap (like 1050 a month) its income restricted but i qualify by like a lot LMAO... n this would be perfect#bc 1050 is likee. not even a full paycheck i could pay rent with 1 paycheck and still have like 150 left over and then my other paycheck fo#the month is fully mine... so i could save up lots#+ wsg is included in the rent whichhh is insane. adn the apartment is cute and Trust . alarm bells were going off a bit bc i was like maybe#this is too good to be true we all remember the 800$ scam incident. but its a verified listing and i checked the propertymanagers and theyr#legit... its even got a washer and dryer IN UNIT and also a fitness center which is good bc i wanna try n start doing more cardio...#IT EVEN HAS A FIREPLACE i dont particularly need a fireplace but its cool 2 have one i could make smores right in my very own living room#AND ITS NOT A STUDIO its a 1 br...#grahhh i rly rly rly want ittt ik i prolly wont get it but :[
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i am so fucking tired.
#im so fucking SICK of this bullshit#there is something seriously wrong except there just... isnt#and not one person is capable of the slgihtest amount of fucking sympathy#i spent the entire weekend thinking i had fucking brain cancer and not one person even tried to be useful#i am so fucking exhausted#i am sick of feeling alone adn im sick of needing to deal with the m#i cant fucking take any of this anymore#i dont know what to do anymore#i have never felt as alone as i have this year#for once in my life i just want to feel like they fucking care and i cant even have that
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idk what s been up with me lately
#im just always exhausted#i just wanna lay in bed n i dont have the energy 2 talk to anyone and i feel bad#and i havent been feeling it with my art#i finally started on my P&P annotations adn that helped#i think im really stressed about school#ive been having nightmares about not knowing where to find my classes and being late and stuff#im so terrified !!! of failing that shit Even though i never do i always get off my human game and on my machine grind
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my tablet pen stopped working gahhhhhhhhh
#idk if its just old and not working right or cuz i havent downloaded everything onto this new laptop#i dont have any of the user manuals anymore tho so gah i dont even know how to set it up on the computer end#but also like it was working ! i just plugged it in adn it was working#and then it just stopped after like an hour. like. ok#my tablet itself is connected just fine but the pen isnt#i cant remembr if its suppoed to be wireless or not but i have it plugged into my laptop anyway#i feel like its supposed to be wireless and the wire is just to charge it#but idfk bc even when its plugged in its just not working#i see the red light on inside of it but when i put it to my tablet it just wont register#like theres just no tablet-pen communication going on for whatever reason#and i cant remember does red mean its fully charged or that its currently charging. argh. gahhh#i havent used this thing in five fucking yearsssssssss#brot posts
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how am i only 3 episodes into peaky blinders and already hopelessly in love with tommy shelby.
#feeling completely blindsided rn.#i dont even know what it is about him#actually thats a lie.#i keep comparing him to kaz brekker in my mind#and also the way he looks at grace adn the way sfhaes djfhganuskl#im going to scream.#peaky blinders#tommy shelby#im okay.#im fine. its fine.#i lied im not okay i already did the math on how many episodes are in the show and how many hours it will tak eme to finish and there are#too few episodes per season because now i am going to binge it.#i just got back to school i dont have time for this.
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dude i was so excited for bela's arc this season... but the way they are going with it.. god i just could not care less
#astro watches#dude im mean this whole season sucks absolute ass#which is a shame bc its teh last season#like this was never the best show in teh world but it was also fun adn funny and had a good understadning of their characters#but this season feels like a cheap version of literally everyghing#breaking up ne of the only ships i care abt in episode one (and not even as a fake out it seems ??)#trying to do bels redemption but in such a boring wayy#god i loved how flawed and fucked up s2 went with her storyline.#and theyre doing like nothig with kimblery. shes datind a new random guy ?? we dont need this#if u want kimberly to date a bi boy and have that storyline. just make canaan bi. literally its all solved#and i like leighton/alicia but dude its like all their chesmrty was zapped out#and i know leighton is on as like not a main character so i guess it fien but idk idk#and kacey..... the most unnessecary addition to a fianle season !! ive ever seen#look we're only half way through so i might end up liking her (andi like the band lawrnce so i already am open to it)#just god.... this season is Such a disspointment#i mea this show has always needed more episdes. this show needed to be a twenty episode show to be fully good#but still this season is just So much worse than the other two. like its not a compeetion#and both s1 and 2 were messes (affectionate). this season is a just a plain mess#and again. its not even halfway done... but its not looking good folks
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missed my classes today after doing something IVE DONE MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE [sleep harder after falling back asleep in the mornings]
guess who has to go to bed at 8:30 PM rather than 1am BECAUSE SHE MISSED ONE FUCKING DAY OF FUCKING ONLINE SCHOOL
#im gonna wake my child up at 7 somthing because shes in online school and usually gets up 30 min before her first class#and her first class today is at 8:30#and shes not gonna go back to sleep since she said 'ok' to me#charbeloved says#FUCKING HELL DAD I DID WHAT YOU DO#“if it takes you being bored out of your mind” I WILL START RETHINKING EVERYTHING AGAIN#THERES A REASON IM HAPPY NOW#ITS BECAUSE IM NOT TRYING TO SLEEP WITH THE LITTLE VOICE IN THE BACK OF MY MIND TELLING ME IM A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT#AND ALL I DO IS FCUK THINGS UP AND MAKE EVERYTHING JUST THAT MUCH MORE DEPRESSING AND ANNOYING AND NOTHING I WILL DO WILL EVER BE GOOD ENOU#ADN THAT I DONT EVEN DESERVE TO LIVE OR THAT I DONT DESERVE SHIT#THAT LITTLE VOICE#WHEN I HAVE TO GO TO BED AT A REASONABLE HOUR AND NOT WHEN I JUST FALL ASLEEP THATS ALL I CAN FOCUS ON#YES MUSIC HELPS#BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN THAT STUPID VOICE ISNT LOUDER THAN USUAL#LIKE GOODNESS#I DONT CARE ABOUT THE WAY MY BODY CONTORTS WHEN I JUST FALL ASLEEP#BUT WHEN I HAVE TO FORCE IT ITS NEVER GOOD ENOUGH#I WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU#AND IM SORRY ABOUT THAT#I NEED THERAPY AND I GET THATS EXPENSIVE#BUT THERES A LOT OF SHIT YOU DONT FUCKING KNOW ABOUT ME DAD#I NEED TO BE ABLE TO GO TO BED AT WHATEVER TIME#I ACTUALLY FALL ASLEEP *QUICKER*#I HAD A *SCHEDULE*#NOT ANYMORE MR.#LIKE I WILL SAY OKAY TO ANY AND EVERYTHING WHILE ASLEEP#YOU COULD ASK ME WHAT MY FAVORITE COLOR IS 'ok'
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i do feel bad for this girl tho . like this is a nightmare to me
#well like. if i was abt to be eaten by vampires id be like teeheeing and kicking my legs back and forth but thats something for me to work#on on my own time. thats a problem with ME#but like. being kidnapped 2 be eaten and then u escape and run onto stage and try to tell the audience of this vampire theater show that#theyre reallife vampires and theyre going to reallife kill you but the entire audience is just laughing at you and thinking its aprt of the#show. maybe its just bc i have a rly bad fear of not knowing whats real and what isnt (which is great for ME specifically) and also i HATE#not being believed (not super unique but lol). but like. even if this wasnt a literal life or death thing#like fuck man i used to lose my mind when i palyed like. amogus and ppl didnt believe me when i told them who the imp was.#if i was gonna get REAL LIFE MURDERED and i tried to tell ppl abt it. AND i was forced to do it in i assume a second language i dont speak#super well. adn to just beg the audience to help me while they LAUGHED and didnt take me SERIOUSLY? thats like actually horrifying#this is the least vague post yet but thats bc this genuinely scare me. and also this actress is actingg like i buy that shes been kidnapped#anywasy
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