#THESE BRING ME SO MUCH JOY THEY'RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GOOD THING TO COME OUT OF THE SHOW AND THEY'RE NOT EVEN *GOOD* GOOD

[lilliths-httyd-blog]

i own these now

[deconstructthesoup]

Okay, I had thoughts on forming a legit DBD Hadestown AU, and seeing as they kept me up literally all last night, it seemed only fitting that I actually write them down. So:

Charles and Edwin are, obviously, Orpheus and Eurydice respectively. However, rather than having just met and falling into a whirlwind romance, I decided that they're childhood friends who've met again and rediscovered feelings that they'd both been ignoring for a long time. Edwin is dedicated soley to figuring out why the world is dying and if he can help people while he can, and he hasn't really let himself rest, or even feel happy, in years---to the point where he feels that any good thing is too good to be true, even falling in love. Charles, on the other hand, has long since made the decision that someone has to be happy and keep spirits up in the trying times, and it might as well be him... even at the cost of his own health, as he works tirelessly on a song that he knows, despite all logic and understanding, will bring back spring again.

Crystal is Hermes, but she is also Hecate---she is the goddess of the in-between, magic, trickery, the crossroads, and restless souls... and that last part refers not only to the dead that she guides to Hadestown, but to anyone who chooses a life of wandering the road, from the honest messenger to the thieving highwayman. And yet, since the world has begun to die, she's been slowly slipping away from her role, choosing to spend her time among the mortals. This decision, of course, is helped by the fact that not only is Crystal one of the few gods who thinks there's more to the world dying than it just being "a reflection of mortal hubris," but that she's managed to make a friend in Charles. She's seen the way that music can change the world, after all, and knowing that there's at least one mortal who still has hope means that she can still believe.

Niko is a combination of Aphrodite and Dionysus---she's the goddess of love, revelries, happiness, and abundance, yes, but she's also the goddess of the mania that comes when all of those things are taken too far, and she's been dipping more and more into that side of herself as the world gets worse and worse. She wants to forget all the pain and suffering, and she gives herself and others the means to do so, even if it's all temporary. And while Niko does care for the mortals, and wishes that things could get better... deep down, she's lost a lot of her old hope, and even she can't disguise the fact that she's living with a broken heart.

Monty is Persephone, but he's also Apollo---he's the god of rebirth, prophecies, the stars and the earth, and new beginnings... and for what should be half of the year, he rules over the dead. He used to find just as much joy in watching over the souls as he did creating spring with Niko and charting the stars to bring prophecies to the mortals, but as Hadestown gets more punishing, more people die up above, and the world just gets worse, Monty grows even more bitter and closed off. He's unable to even properly enjoy his time on the surface, knowing full well that he won't stay for six months like he should... and the man he loves is wearing his patience thin.

The Cat King is Hades---and yes, somebody did make a very compelling argument for him being the Fates, but it works for the story, so just hang on. Once upon a time, he was happy just ruling over souls and managing the afterlife, and he cherished the time he spent with Monty as much as he could. But over time, wealth became added to his already vast domain, and his fascination for making and collecting things became an obsession... in no small part due to the fact that those six months spent away from Monty started to weigh incredibly heavy on him, and he eventually loses himself in his effort to replicate everything his husband loves about the upper world as it dies along with the way they used to feel about each other. Not to mention, his old empathy and compassion for the souls has hardened into cold indifference at best and a sick enjoyment of their suffering at worst. And all this change is making one person in particular very happy...

Esther is the Fates, but she's also a version of Demeter---the goddess of nature and all of its love and cruelties, and the one who spins everyone's path on her loom, punishing those who dare to stray from what she has determined for them. She's despised the Cat King for years, ever since he whisked Monty away to Hadestown, and she wholeheartedly believes that the reason the world is dying is only because he's been keeping Monty down there for too long, not because they've begun to fall out of love. So, when Esther spins a tale of a pair of lovers who are destined to end tragically, she sees it as an opportunity to finally push the Cat King and Monty to the breaking point---to save her son and the world, she tells herself, but mostly for revenge.

[chvoswxtch]

Court, my queen, congrats on 4k!!! 🫶🫶🫶 May I order a macchiato where Billy introduces the reader to the Castles for the first time?

thank you so much nonnie!

okay i'm setting this in an alternate universe where billy isn't a backstabbing little bitch for my own sanity

headcannon below the cut

billy russo introduces you to the castles

as we all know, billy is a whore. when frank teases him about quality over quantity, billy literally says "god made me this way for a reason, it would be wrong not to share the wealth"

but despite playing up his playboy persona, billy is secretly envious of what frank has

every time he comes over for sunday dinner & sees frank & maria standing side by side in the kitchen, sharing kisses & sweet nothings while doing the dishes together, he feels a deep longing for that same kind of connection

he doesn't want to always be fun uncle billy, he wants more

billy has never brought a girl around the castles bc well...he doesn't keep one around long enough, but that all changes when he meets you

from the moment he meets you, billy can feel a special spark between you. he can't explain it, he's never felt it before, but he knows he doesn't want to lose it

he's not used to someone wanting to be with him just for him. in all his "relationships", he's lured women in with his good looks & charm, & given them a taste of his luxurious lifestyle to have them eating out of the palm of his hand. however, that doesn't work with you, & him showing off actually makes you pull back from him

billy realizes quickly he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing when it comes to having a real, honest relationship, so he turns to the one person he knows can help him: frank

oh and you know frank is absolutely giving him shit & having a fucking field day with it

"billy the beaut comin' to me for advice on women? hell must have frozen over, huh, bill?"

but despite getting a kick out of busting his balls, frank is genuinely happy that billy has found someone, & even maria chimes in with advice & pointers

billy talks about you all the time to them, & he talks about them all the time to you too since they're the only family he has. they've been bugging him for weeks to bring you along for sunday dinner, especially maria. they all wanna meet the girl that's managed to reform billy russo

when he finally agrees to bring you over with him, billy is ecstatic. he can't wait to show you off & watch them fall in love with you too. he can tell that you're nervous considering this is the equivalent of meeting his family, but he reassures you several times on the way over that you've got nothing to worry about

"sweetheart, I don't think you realize they already love you. they just wanna put a pretty face to a name they hear all the time."

sitting there at the dinner table with frank, maria, & the kids & you by his side, it's like something finally hits him. this is it. that thing he's been searching for since he was a kid, that void he's been trying to fill with money & women, the one thing he's truly always wanted; he finally has it

watching you help maria with the dishes, play with the kids in the backyard, trade banter with frank, it all just reinforces that newfound warmth & feeling of fulfillment. this was it, you were it

the raw happiness he feels nearly brings him to his knees, & he has to excuse himself to the bathroom for a moment to collect himself. you fit so perfectly into his life, like you were meant to be there all along. seeing the way you interacted with his chosen family just confirmed it

but what really warmed his heart was the look of joy & excitement on frank & maria's faces. he could see just how happy they were for him. they interacted with you like you had been coming over ever week for dinner for years despite it being their first time meeting you

when billy goes to the kitchen to grab another beer, frank follows him. he just gives him a knowing look & a grin before patting him on the shoulder

"gotta tell ya bill, never thought i'd see the day you actually picked a winner and settled down, but i'm happy for ya. you got a great girl out there. bein' all lovesick looks good on ya."

all throughout dinner, billy holds your hand under the table. there's a moment when frank & maria are talking, & billy's just looking at you like he's in awe. he gives your hand a light squeeze to capture your attention, & when you look at him, he just grins and flashes you a wink

for the first time in his life, billy feels a weight lift off his chest that had always been there, & he feels nothing but pure content, bc he finally has the sense of belonging he's always wanted. he suddenly realizes that he's not alone in this world anymore. he has a family, & he has you

[lune-redd]

Hi! I discovered (or I guess more accurately rediscovered because I've seen a bit of it before but not much) this blog yesterday and I'm going to be real with you, I cannot articulate the amount of pure, unfiltered joy your art and PPG AU bring me. Every time I so much as think of it I get a big dumb smile on my face, and NO OTHER ART that I've seen has EVER DONE THAT! Everything about it, from the style, to the writing, LITERALLY EVERYTHING ABOUT IT is just made for me and I cannot thank you enough. When given the time, I promise I'll draw stuff for this, it's too good not to.

Now, as an actual question (and this may have been answered elsewhere but I haven't read too much here), how exactly did Blossom determine what to use to make what would become Beam? From everything I have read, the ingredients appear to vary at least somewhat from the original recipe for "the perfect little boy/girl" (even beyond Chemical X or Chemical-X-infused blood (which is one of my favorite details)). I got that impression from the mention of "his ingredient" under one of your older posts with Beam, which kind of implies there's some other thing mixed into them? I was just really curious as to how that ingredient (and possibly others) were determined. Was there research? Trial and error?

Ayyy thanks so much for the kind words!!

I think I have gotten this question before about how Blossom figured out what to use for Beam. I dunno know how the Professor would've known the ingredients he chose would 100% work, but then again that's from a pre-existing nursey rhyme so I figured he would have known from there. I think Blossom would've carefully chosen the ingredients for Beam, making sure they're something sweet and cohesive like she and her sisters' were, and unlike the Rowdyruff Boys' gross ingredients and Bunny's randomly picked ones (I guess that sort of answers the research question?)

I was originally thinking of Beam being made out of only one ingredient (one ingredient for each girl/boy), but then again Bunny was one girl who was born out of multiple ingredients, same with Bliss in the 2016 show (as much as I like to ignore that one). We tried coming up with a set of ingredients for him in STATION but I dunno if I'm satisfied with them

[troius]

I just want to say a few things before you get to the end. First up, it's been a pleasure to read your thoughts on the series; like any fan, you have your own unique interpretations and it's always good to read how fans see certain scenes. It's also been fantastic to see fellow fans respond to your posts adding on to what you've written, again bringing your thoughts out more and generating discussion.

Also, seeing your thoughts has made me appreciate scenes and characters I never thought I would -- Yamamoto for instance, who would've thought?! They've also reminded me of why I fell in love with the series as much as I did, from the artwork to the themes to the incredible bonds between the characters. You've reminded me that BLEACH has it's flaws that can sometimes take you out of the story, but when it hits, it 100% HITS! It's a manga that's about the bonds we form, how they can help us overcome challenges and be a source of light in our lives. It's about the ways we overcome grief and the fear of death, whether it's literally fighting your way through it or slowly coming to a state of acceptance as time goes on. It's about the 'hearts' of people, about what they look like and how they're shared between those you choose. I could go on and on, but then this would become an essay and we'd be here all day.

All of this is to say, thank you for choosing to create a Tumblr account and deciding to read the series and give your thoughts along the way. I can't believe you've finally reached the end, it almost feels like I'm saying goodbye to the manga again!! I don't think I'm the only one here who sees you as a big and valued part of the community on here, so I hope you'll be sticking around! :)

Thank you so much Rays! Response under the cut because it went long.

This won't surprise you, but I too have grown in my appreciation for the series over the course of the uh three years that I've run this blog. Bleach has character concepts I've never seen elsewhere. It has moments of storytelling brilliance. It has truly, phenomenally astonishing art.

But more than anything else, I, like you, am impressed by the heart. For a story that's largely about the afterlife, Bleach is shockingly humanistic, locating virtue not in any system of belief, in any group or faction in the various conflicts that provide the setting for the manga, but in people. All people, whether they're our extremely relatable teenage protagonist and his friends, the occasionally sketchy adults in his life, or the various adversaries ranging from evil monsters to supernatural samurai to a regular-ass gang to a foreign apocalypse cult. Bleach never, not once, lets the viewer fall into the comfortable childish space of believing that there's good people and bad people in the world.

There's just people. Sometimes these people want to do bad things, like execute their sisters, or kidnap your girlfriend, or isolate you from your family, or destroy the entire world. Bleach doesn't flinch away from that either. But it (again, very humanistically) locates those bad actions not in the individual human beings, but in our relationships with one another through the systems and structures we've created to organize ourselves.

And yet in the face of the idea that humans do their worst work through other people, that's also where Bleach locates its greatest virtue. Alone, we're nothing. It's the bonds that we have with others that are what make life worth living, that are the source of everything good in this world. And navigating that dynamic, between spiritual bonds and structural shackles...that's really what adult life is all about, isn't it?

Anyhow, my adult life has been greatly enriched by all of you on here. But I'll take the chance to thank you specifically Rays, for being such a source of joy. Your positivity and passion are the sort of thing that makes a humble blogger want to come back for more, and I've deeply enjoyed hearing all of your thoughts, not just on my liveblog, but through your own posts and writing. I'll be sticking around for sure.

[taikk0]

PART 1 OF TAIKKO HATES HIS SENIOR ART COURSE AND WANTS TO RANT ABOUT IT ON TUMBLR <3

Hey guys, you may have noticed how art and animations have recently been slowing down. So I'm gonna vent out my frustrations for a lil bit to explain why because I need the world to know that there is hate in my heart :D

Outside of my HOUSE LEAKING causing major disruptions to my workflow both for personal and academic work,

Lately I've been going through insane crunch in order to meet my deadlines lately. This October has been very busy, I have the spreadsheet to prove it.

and I don't care if some terms on here reveals what school I go to, I think I deserve to make it fucking obvious with how poor this institution is. and personally, I don't think they're gonna file for defamation on some random 17 year old on Tumblr. If you know, you know.

See 👆 I got so busy I had to put cleaning my unkept room in the schedule because I was neglecting it so bad with how much work I had to do this month. 💀

My personal life away from academics is very busy, I'm often helping my family with our local business away from my computer. Which becomes a PROBLEM when time itself is a luxury I don't have very often. I don't always have the time to do my schoolwork when I come home, I don't always have the time to make art. So, in turn, I crunch at midnight. Adding commissions on top of that to help rack in extra money for personal expenses, to help support my family, and for any possible emergency expenses. It's a lot to handle.

This problem is then made even worse by how PERMANENTLY DAMAGING the pandemic was. I am a firm believer that if the pandemic never happened, schools wouldn't have switched to this shitty method of administering schoolwork. Not everyone comes home from school and immediately checks the schools shitty half assed broken website to do MORE schoolwork after they have already left school premises. I'm not the only person with this problem, TONS of other students have missed so many assigned tasks. So much so that the teacher announcing missing schoolwork to whichever student in front of the class and reminding everyone of their missing work is standard practice.

I don't want to come off as a petty student who wants all my work handed to me, but I really think that nowadays not many teachers put in the effort to make sure to announce projects for the class anymore.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY NEXT POINT. our art teacher is such a bundle of joy (LYING) she is so professional (INCORRECT BUZZER) and establishes boundaries between her and her students (RED ALARM SOUND) and is such a talented and proficient artist that I'm glad she became our art teacher (FIRE AND SCREAMING SOUND EFFECTS) and she knows how to teach her students well (SKIN PEELING OFF AS WE SPEAK) and is very considerate of production pipelines (FULL AUTO RIFLE AND HELICOPTER WHIRRING)

I don't like her.

She has done. A lot of questionable stuff, y'now, just as a person, but right now I wanna talk about her as a teacher.

SHE IS NOT GOOD AT IT.

Now I don't mean she doesn't explain things well or her methods are convoluted, I mean SHE DOES NOT DO HER JOB AT ALL.

She quite literally almost every time; either meets us in the classroom and says she has a meeting to go to and leaves us with no assigned task, or, she actually does stay in the classroom,

but doesn't teach us at all.

Hell, she makes the STUDENTS teach, not even in a report kind of way she just tells that student to sit in front with her, she shows them the presentation she was supposed to discuss, and makes THE STUDENT DISCUSS THE LESSON TO THEIR PEERS INSTEAD.

And even then there is a secret third option. She stays, and assigns us work.

However.

The work is a practical application of a lesson she did not teach the class.

For example, "Your assignment for today is to animate a pendulum swinging left to right on this program!"

Two problems.

None of the students are knowledgeable in the program because she never even tried to learn it in order to teach us.

She never taught us the animation principles.

The pendulum assignment requires knowledge of ease-ins and ease-outs, as well as the use of arcs and possibly timing charts.

My peers knew none of that in order to perform the task effectively.

Our teacher response to that? is to be so unfairly critical. The only reason why her students are failing, is because of her. She fails students for not making an appealing animation BECAUSE she never taught them how to in the first place.

Her grading is very biased and rooted in personal preference rather than a solid understanding of the principles, not even adding notes on what to improve upon.

I GOT A 100% ON AN ANIMATION EXAM, WITH THE SHITTIEST OUTPUT EVER. Like, If i actually went to art school and passed that as our exam, I would get such a low score.

We were told to animate a 10 second clip, no other instructions. Here was my output

THIS DID NOT DESERVE A 100%. it was rushed and I cut a lot of corners in order for it to be done on time. Just the fact that she considered this to have no flaws or room for improvement is telling. I know I should be thankful for a perfect score, but essentially saying that THIS is good enough shows that she has no idea what she's doing and I'm afraid that most likely I am going to walk away from senior high with no new information and being bombarded with skills I didn't learn beforehand when I'm in college.

In an art school I know what I'm signing up for, I want that crunch and that pressure to improve to be WARRANTED. I don't feel that drive to make artwork and animations (for academics) that I am proud of and want to put effort into for a passing grade. Instead I am simply doing the bare minimum with very little time to do so, so I just end up making shitty work that is "good enough" because the environment is made so mediocre by our art teacher.

You know what's more?

SHE IS NOT AN ART MAJOR.

SHE MAJORED IN INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY.

That is my rant for now. I'm thinking of doing three more entries. talking about how shitty the school is in of itself with very poor management as a PRIVATE SCHOOL, our art teacher is a WHOLE can of worms, and our current thesis film.

Right now I just want to focus on finishing all my commissions and then I can focus solely on rough animation on my student film. 👍 I currently have like, four fully rendered pieces lololol

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

dawg, lemme tell you somethin, I LOVE your writing style so far and I want more SO BAD !! I’ve been stuck by myself in the “I’ve been an arcana fan since release but now it’s like dead” hole, so I’ve been absolutely starving for content. Your headcanons are such a great length and so descriptive, each one feels like I’m reading a whole fanfiction, and it’s a real treat. I cant wait for more !! 🥺🥺 If I ever get around to scribbling some stories based on your thoughts, I am tagged u on SIGHT.

I’ve never requested headcanons before but what about m6 with an mc who walks with a cane?

The Arcana HCs: M6 with an MC who walks with a cane

~ thank you for the positive feedback @taduki ! I'm so happy when I find out my ramblings bring people joy. I have a few friends who use canes regularly, but I don't have any personal experience. I'm basing this off of the little bit of research I did and the experiences I've heard about, so if I make any mistakes please let me know so I can correct them ~

Julian

He thinks it's hot

He's a doctor, he's familiar with mobility aids and the many reasons someone may need/want to use one

Dude literally had three years of experience as an apprentice under Nazali in active warzones amputating limbs

He's the type of guy who loves learning new things, so once you're comfortable going into detail about your condition to him he will have so many questions

And then he's going to go do research about it

And then he's going to come back with even more questions

But mostly he just thinks it's hot, canes just have so much dramatic potential

Can you keep a sword in it? Can you use it like a club? You would make such a good pirate with him

Once you explain that it's actually easier to use if it's lightweight and easy to store he'll stop suggesting modifications

But if you have it with you while you're out and you don't feel like using it he'll keep it hooked over his arm or clenched in his fist because deep down he's a theatre kid

Asra

However much they knew about mobility aids before the Red Plague, they learned everything they could after you woke up

He's so tuned in to you he can tell at a glance what kind of day you're having and will act accordingly

When they were reteaching you magic some of the first spells they taught you were what they remembered you using to help with your disability

He has definitely enchanted your cane before, mostly with your permission

One of the useful ones was a shrinking/growing rune so you could keep it in your pocket

Less useful was when one of your customers made a rude comment about you not moving as fast as they wanted you to around the shop

So they enchanted it to trip them on sight

He forgot to tell you, you didn't find out until the rude customer came back on a day you weren't using it and you watched your cane fly across the room to thwack them across the shins

They're not allowed to touch your cane without your permission anymore

Nadia

The evening she first arrived in your shop you weren't using it so she didn't notice it until you arrived at the palace the next evening

When she realized she had been getting annoyed at you for being late, only to see you walk in with a mobility aid, she felt awful

It was also a wake up call realizing how many stairs you had to climb just to get to the front doors of the palace

She doesn't want to pry or burden you, but she's also deeply committed to providing for your every need, and there's a day or two of her waffling back and forth between pumping you for information and pretending there's nothing unusual afoot

Once you open up about it she's very invested

Every outfit she gifts you comes with a high quality cane, beautifully painted to match

After everything's done with the Devil and she's reworking Vesuvia's infrastructure she is definitely taking accessibility into account

She's not going to burden you with her education or assume you're an archetype, but she makes sure you know that your input is more than welcome on any and all of her plans

Muriel

That trip with Morga was hell on your body

You spent weeks riding and walking for hours with minimal rest, trying to learn physical self-defense tactics at the same time

He may be gruff but he's not cruel, he was offering to carry your bags (or you) by the third day in

Seeing how patient you were with both Morga and yourself was one of the things that convinced him to open up to you and trust you

He prefers speaking with actions more than words

One of the first gifts he gave you was a beautifully crafted cane, lightweight and incredibly durable, with the story of your journey together carved into it

He also customized it to work with you perfectly, because he knows better than anyone what a body in discomfort moves like and he's memorized all of your tells

When you move into his hut with him he makes trails through the woods for you so you don't have to worry about uneven ground or roots or loose stones

He is also very happy to carry you around if you ask him to (he will blush the whole time though)

Portia

It's cannon that the first time you meet she out walks you across Vesuvia

It takes her a little while to adjust her assumptions

Not because she thinks badly of anyone who uses a mobility aid, but because it's her job to be on her feet all day long and the concept of having difficulty doing that is totally new to her

There are definitely a few moments when she bounds up the stairs two at a time, only to wait awkwardly at the top silently berating herself for not paying closer attention

The first time she matches her pace to yours on a slower day for you her whole worldview shifts

Being the type to power-walk everywhere, this is the first time she's been able to notice all these beautiful details around her

Was that painting always there? The fabric on those curtains is gorgeous!

Now it's one of her favorite things about who she becomes around you

She will (and does) throw hands with anyone who makes a disparaging comment about you moving too slowly

Pepi tried to jump up onto your cane once when it was propped up against a table and made the biggest crash when she fell

Lucio

Ooh, nice accessory, he's got one too!

It should be shinier though. Don't worry, he'll fix that for you as soon as he's no longer an incorporeal goatman

He has no filter between his brain and his mouth, he is bombarding you with questions. Why do you use it? Were you in a particularly nasty fight?

For once he's not being remotely judgemental (except about the fashion sense involved), dude has an entire missing limb

Sometimes he'll reminisce about what it was like before he got the alchemical prosthetic he has now, and will ask you if you have any ideas for your cane

He is very happy to carry things for you and often suggests you use his golden arm to lean on instead

He says it's more fashionable this way, but really it's a point of common ground for him and he likes having you close and being dependable

If you let him he will absolutely buy a pair of matching canes for the two of you, yours to help you move around and his to make grand sweeping gestures with

[toomuchracket]

d-word matty leaving secret presents on girlies desk when she's having a bad week and she's like "who are these from???" they're just little bits, her fav lip balm, a tea she likes, and a face mask.

she talks to him about it being like, "Do you know who's doing it? it's so nice and I wanna thank them!!" Of course he's not gonna tell, so he's like, "No, no idea! sorry darling!"

she eventually finds out when she gets in early one day and sees him leaving something. He doesn't spot her, though, so he thinks it's still a secret. he comes over at lunch and is like, "You get anything from your secret admirer today?" And she's like "oh you admire me, huh?"

matty gets all stuttery and apologises because he thinks she finds it weird, so to calm him, she touches his arm or something and is like "no don't apologise, I love the presents thank you, matty," and perhaps even gives him a kiss on the cheek, then walks away.

matty is just so in love he can't think straight bc she touched him?? and kissed his cheek?? maybe this little crush isn't one-sided??

STOP IT THIS IS SO CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you basically wrote it all for me so i'm just going to dissect little bits if that's chill. like he so WOULD be perceptive of the little things you like and use all the time, like the tea and the lip balm and the sweets you get most excited about when anyone brings some in. and also imagining him trying to find the lip balm in the shop, especially if it's a slightly less obvious one, asking a staff member for help finding it and also being like "those sheet masks... can you recommend any good ones?", bless him. and i think you'd hope that it was actually matty leaving you the presents, but you doubted it, and your hopes were a little bit dashed when you asked him and he was like "oh idk" - when you do catch him putting a candle on your desk one morning (that you're beyond touched to notice matches the perfume you like to wear to work), you literally have to go out into the corridor and jump up and down with joy for a second lol. matty does get extremely flustered when he finds out you've clocked him as the gift-giver right as you guys are leaving the office that night, but it soon dissipates, replaced with what can only be described as gooiness as you thank him with sparkly eyes and a kiss on the cheek - the gooiness is then also replaced by giddiness, as you hold out your hand to him and say "shall we get the train home, then?" and don't let it go until you're on the platform at the station (a bold move on your part, but you like holding him), matty just so excited about the subtle confirmation that you like him as much as and in the same way he likes you <3

[athenaholmesartistsguild]

Sometimes I wonder how intentional the neurodivergent coding of certain Yakuza characters is.

With Kiryu I don't think it was intentional at first. I think he started as a stone-faced guy who was also just a little clueless (Because that's a pretty silly juxtaposition, writing-wise), but I've noticed as the series progresses there's little quirks or jokes that seem to intentionally code him as autistic-- and not in a mean way (which I love).

Like. When you're talking to one of the hostesses in the cabaret minigame in K2, she mentions wanting to be a mangaka, and Kiryu offers to help.

If you select the 'be an expression model' option Kiryu 'auditions' by making little noises for the different emotions he's trying to do and it's really obvious that he's not really changing his face much. Because he's just not an expressive guy. Because he's autistic!!!

There's the pizza substory from 0 which if you know, you know (and if you don't know, here you go).

If you select all the wrong answers in the producer substory (also in 0), the entire scene feels like an autistic person trying to understand obtuse industry lingo and everyone else getting angry at him for not speaking this hidden language (a reality for many autistic people).

And there's countless other examples that I can't name off the top of my head, but trust me, they're there.

And then there's Ichiban who is so ADHD it brings me joy. And I would just chalk his behaviors to just being a juxtaposition to Kiryu (Ichi's big, loud, and intense while Kiryu's quiet, reserved, and keeps to himself), but there are so many little things that are way too specific for me to ignore.

Firstly, when Ichi wants something he wants it NOW. The Peking Duck scene with Arakawa comes to mind, but also, when he's trying to get Masato’s 'girlfriend' to come to their table, and he resorts to like. Shouting at the guy after her client's like. "Nah. I'm talking to her for a bit." He's feelin' his feelings and good god are those feelings intense.

He seems to struggle with working memory issues such as the scene where he's talking about being Masato's caretaker and then Jo calls him like, immediately after, goes 'hey, you were supposed to take the young master out tonight' and Ichi's like 'oh my god? It completely slipped my mind!'

Ichiban's super creative and clever, but that out-of-the-box thinking is occasionally hampered by him missing little details. Like when he just takes a civilian's wallet, instead of the money they owed because 'Jo only said to bring back the wallet'. But then when he tries to use the money Masato gave him, it doesn't occur to him to take off the band indicating that the money came from Masato’s bank.

He's also pretty impulsive!! The scene where he jumps right into the Korean Mafia's line of fire is a big standout. He literally thought of the first thing that came to mind and did it.

There's also him gameifying his entire life. This example could be argued to be more of an autistic trait (especially the turn-based combat aspect), but ADHDers can also have those super intense interests that you never quite let go of. And gamification of certain tasks is often recommended for ADHDers.

and then there's so many small things that I can't quite explain that just stand out as ADHD behavior.

I honestly don't think Ichiban was ever written to be neurotypical. His character just feels so, authentically ADHD in such a kind way that just can't be accidental.

Although there could've been a writer who was just 'basing Ichiban off their own experiences' and 'their own experiences' just happened to be ADHD. I wouldn't know anything about that.

One more character before I go: Majima's actions in 0 (specifically throwing away the bag of murder goodies Lee gave him) makes way more sense if he has ADHD. He's got this bag of shit he does not want and he needs to get rid of it now. He was feelin' his feelings, okay?!

[maya-matlin]

https://www.tumblr.com/hydesjackiespuddinpop/733253054933188608/estelanel-001-send-me-a-ship-and-i-will-tell

Sellie and Zaya pls 🥹?

Aw, thanks!

Sellie:

when I started shipping it if I did: It's always hard to answer this answer for the TNG ships. I was watching that show pretty young, so my thoughts were kind of all over the place. I want to say either late season 3 or season 4, but I don't think I truly appreciated them until Sean left the show.

my thoughts: Considering what show this is, Sellie had no business being as healthy as they were. I know the circumstances weren't great and that it could get a little codependent, but to me Sean and Ellie really saw each other. No, they didn't have the nostalgic first love thing or the big, dramatic, passionate kisses like Sean and Emma did, but their relationship felt more mature and definitely more stable. There was a lot of mutual respect, lack of judgment, and feeling so much joy simply from being around each other.

During the early seasons, Sean is never this happy and open with anyone. Ellie's kind of the same way. You wouldn't think she'd be the girl who happily danced with her boyfriend in the middle of a house party. Considering their aesthetic was the bad boy with the alternative girl, everything about them should scream angst but instead it's the complete opposite. I've always thought if Degrassi had been a show about adults and not teenagers, Sean and Ellie would have eventually gotten married. No question. Until a reboot says otherwise, they already are in my mind.

What makes me happy about them: Basically everything I said for the last question. Sean and Ellie are a big comfort ship for me. It doesn't help that the seasons after season 4 are mostly disappointing for both characters, so it's very easy to love the Sellie era.

What makes me sad about them: The way their relationship is constantly disrespected by the writers once they break up. The "forget Ellie" line at the beginning of season 6 is a big one for me. Why bring up Ellie at all?? It's been a year and a half. There was still a little something between Sean and Emma when he moved back to Wasaga Beach. It makes sense to explore that relationship again. But the way he says it, like it's so outrageous for anyone to think he could want to be with the former girlfriend he literally lived with and loved very much over someone he hadn't been with in nearly three years. It didn't have to be that way. Even in the minis, Sean's tattoo says Emma instead of Ellie. There's the whole Ellie being a sloppy drunk and making out with Sean when he's only interested in Emma. A big deal is made about how Ellie never slept with Sean at any point during their relationship. Sean 100% slept with Amy even though we as a fandom don't bring that up, so I'm not sure why it made a difference. For some reason, Sellie has always been cut down to make Sean's relationship with Emma look better, and I'll never understand why. Also, that Ellie mostly got stuck pining for Craig after breaking up with Sean.

things done in fanfic that annoys me: I haven't read many Sellie fics. I'm not sure there are any recent ones. But since I'm sure they exist, there's no need to shit on Emma or make her out to be a bitch or a slut or anything like that just to justify Sean being with Ellie instead. They're a quality ship on their own. They don't need all of that.

things I look for in fanfic: All I want is a soft, quality fic where Sean and Ellie live happily ever after. I want their dreams to have come true and for both to be happy.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: For Sean, Emma if their reunion was well written. I have nothing nice to say about their season 6 relationship. I don't know who that guy was kissing Emma. For Ellie, Jimmy or Alex. I understand why Ellie didn't like Jimmy back and I don't approve of Jimmy emotionally cheating on Hazel, but they had good chemistry. With Alex, I just really like Queen of Hearts where they almost lived together. I feel like there was potential there for them to have what Palex had.

My happily ever after for them: This is really simple, but Sean moves back to Toronto after serving his tour (I don't know the military terminology) and meets up with Ellie by chance. It's a little awkward at first and they weren't at all prepared to see each other again, but it's been long enough since their breakup that they'd probably just catch up with little problem. But also, there's an instant physical attraction because just look at modern day Daniel Clark and Stacey Farber. It wouldn't be immediate, but they'd develop a friendship and feel those old feelings coming back. They get back together. It lasts. They probably live together for a few years before finally getting married. I see them having a kid or two. Sean owns his own auto shop while Ellie is a renowned journalist. They live a simple life, but they're very happy.

who is the big spoon/little spoon: Sean's the big spoon and Ellie's the little spoon

what is their favorite non-sexual activity: I'm always terrible at these types of questions. They mostly feel like homebodies to me. Dancing? Any activity that allows physical intimacy.

Zaya:

when I started shipping it if I did: Right about here:

my thoughts: LOL oh my god. I had a nice little rant about Sellie but with these two, my brain instantly turns to goo. That's when you know you're invested. Their chemistry is great. Their arc, though frustrating and difficult to watch at times, is mostly solid. I love everything about the way their relationship changes countless times over only four years. Sometimes they lose each other. There are times where they're closer. There are times when they're each other's number one ride or die. The relationship, whether they're dating or not, is rock solid and nothing is coming between them. Others, they're sort of okay being away from each other. Long enough that they almost forget how much better life is when they're together. But once they're reminded, it's so natural for them to be together again. Does that make any sense? Zig and Maya have an undeniable connection that is so rooted in friendship and mutual understanding on top of the fact they're head over heels in love with each other. It's the way they look after each other. The way they feel protective and defensive of each other. Even when one is at their worst, the other has a way of seeing through all the BS and still sees the person they are at the heart of it. It's the way that even when they're not on the same page and the other has broken their heart, they're still friends. They can't help but default back to that. It's the way that even after their awful breakup, their reconnection somehow makes so much sense. I love how they grew into people who could have a permanent, adult relationship.

What makes me happy about them: Everything TBH. But other than the fact they ended up together and the fact I got most of what I wanted for their relationship, it's how happy and comfortable they seem to be together. No one can seriously tell me they aren't the loves of each other's lives. It's friends to lovers done right.

I know I went a little overboard, but hear me out. They're worth it.

What makes me sad about them: The specific way they were broken up, the fact the Next Class episode count was so short which robbed me from seeing much more Zaya cuteness and angst, the fact I didn't get to see the official reunion, that I'll never see a new Zaya scene again

things done in fanfic that annoys me: I don't think I'm that picky. Certain clunky writing jumps out at me, but it's not the worst. But why did Owen pop up in so many Zaya fan fics back in 2013-2015?? He barely acknowledges his own brother. Why is he driving Maya to a doctor's appointment? Surprisingly, that's my only complaint. There's so little Zaya fic that I don't even recall much character bashing.

things I look for in fanfic: Happy, supportive, healthy Zaya with great communication, both separately working towards self improvement. Mostly I just need the "Zig and Maya's Adventures in California" series to continue, because it's so accurate and respectful to these characters, their traumas, and their histories that I'm half convinced I willed it into existence.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: Very funny. But seriously, people they meet outside of Degrassi. I don't think any of their other canon relationships came close to being the right ones for them. Like, maybe Jonah with a different personality or Frankie if she wasn't rich, but even that doesn't feel right.

My happily ever after for them: Basically just a continuation of their canon ending. Zig moves with Maya to California. They take some time before getting back together. Maya would want to prioritize her mental health while Zig is still recovering from the end of his relationship with Esme and finally working through a lot of the issues that have been on the backburner, causing recurring problems for him. But eventually, their feelings become too difficult to resist, and it doesn't take them long to get back together. Their relationship in the present is much stronger. It's not perfect, but they communicate with each other and work through any issues as a team. It's very much a best friends in love situation. I imagine by this point, they're in the middle of a long engagement. There's no rush to get married, but it's definitely on their minds and something they're working towards.

who is the big spoon/little spoon: Usually, Zig is the big spoon while Maya is the little spoon. But there are times when it's the other way around.

what is their favorite non-sexual activity: Anything and everything involving music. They love music festivals, concerts, and just playing music together in their apartment.

[surrealsunday]

hey jaime, how are you??

i just come by to wish you a happy new year! (kinda late but it’s still january so it still counts 😌) i hope you have a great end of 2023 :))

also with a friend we were talking and we suddenly thought abt punzel!lucas/elu and we were wondering how these two lovebirds were doing and what would they be up to now, according to you 🤔👀 lowkey miss them now ngl sjdbdh (as well as the canon version of course)

can you believe this year is marking the five years of skam france s3, 5 YEARS OF ELU…

BTW HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW MAXEL CONTENT RECENTLY??? well literally all january we were being fed really well (individually and tgt) 😌 AND WE ALSO GOT MAXEL SELFIES IN BIG 2024 I VANT STOP SMILING THINKING ABT IT (sorry i’m freaking out again sjdbdh) their friendship is just so special and warms my heart sm every time it crosses my mind 💙

anyways i’ll stop my rant bc otherwise i could go on for hours 😭 wish you a wonderful evening/day and sending you lots of hugs and strength and luck 🫶🏻

Marieeeeee hiiiiiiiiii 😊❤️❤️❤️❤️!!! It was so nice to see a message from you! And a happy new year to you too!

I'm ok - I both can't believe it's gonna be the end of January and also can't believe it's still January 😂. Work has not stopped being insane since I took over this new position but I'm thankfully still loving it. And I'm especially loving living in a place where I am no longer dealing with -40 celcius through the winter 😅. I hope your holiday season and start of the new year has been going fabulously for you!

And 5 years? 5 YEARS?! How is that even possible omg 😭😭😭. That calls for a rewatch, I think. My babies 🥹. And the Maxel content yessss! I love you for linking posts thank you! One of my friends thankfully sends me things because I would end up missing them on social media otherwise. Honestly the joy their friendship brings me. 5 years and those boys are still tight. I love them so much. Also the fact that Rocco was looped into their little friend group and we have actual pics of Maxence with Rocco AND Axel? Truly... life has been good to us 😌😂.

And Punzel babies? Well, they're living their happy life together in their flat. Eliott definitely refers to Lucas as his husband even though - as Lucas insists - they're too young to get married. Eliott thinks that's nonsense because he's been waiting what amounts to their entire lives and obviously they're going to be together for life anyways. But for that same reason, he's not too fussed about it - official papers or not, they are married in his mind. They've definitely added to their little fam and have a cat in addition to their pup Pascale. The cat absolutely rules their home (as cats are known to do) and is the only one who can get Pascale to stop being mouthy (Huskies you know 😂). Lucas would definitely complain the cat doesn't like him and play up that they have some sort of nemesis relationship. Only Eliott has caught Lucas curled up asleep on the couch with the kitty on his chest wrapped up in his arms more than once. Eliott would be a little jealous about the fact that he's the one who dotes on the kitty but she still seems to be an utter suck for Lucas... only, he's the exact same way so he can't blame her 😌. Second to Lucas, her fave is Idriss. Because this cat has ✨taste✨. I'm trying to think what they would name their kitty... probably something Rapunzel adjacent because they're saps... but I don't have a name popping to mind just yet.

And of course there are the fun dynamics of their relationship that they will probably always be figuring out. Like Lucas realizing (and relishing) in the power he has over Eliott and the way he can make Eliott's brain short circuit in any variety of ways (like saying something incredibly explicit in the middle of much more innocent activities like cooking dinner). Then Eliott will remember he no longer holds his Punzel in the 'look but don't touch' category and things work out quite nicely for both of them 😌. Basically... they're living their best lives figuring out adulthood and now jobs together ❤️.

Sending you all the love and hugs back!

[mikasuxxx]

MW2 Random Headcanons part 2

this one includes graves and price

Graves

this man is definitely floridian

like he was a beach boy, like he has old pictures from when he was a teen with a tan

He's southern, and so is his family

They're the epitome of white people, but they're actually pretty nice people

like if you're Graves' girl spending the holidays at his family's place they'll beg you to eat with them and say its no trouble

Truly the southern hospital is strong with his family

He used to go miami and pick up girls from the club, and just have one night stands with them.

He has an older brother who's a professional poker player/gambler

and you can tell because of the big gold chain and the tommy bahama shirts and loafers he always wears (even when its cold he'll still wear them)

He also lives in vegas

He tries to flirt with you but Phillip shuts that down real quick

Phillip used to play baseball in high school, and his girlfriend at the time loved watching him play (but really she just liked how his ass looked in his uniform pants)

His brother played football for a bit

Surprisingly, Phillip was at the top of his class in high school. And he got a car for his graduation gift. a red 1967 chevy impala

that car was his pride and joy

You cant tell me that he wasnt a frat boy in college

Constantly picks up sorority girls in his car, and invites them to his dorm to fuck

Even girls who weren't sororities; atheltes, shy girls, even his professors (but that was when he was like a junior and senior, and he did it because his grades sucked and he was desperate)

What makes him different from other frat boys, is that he takes no for an answer. like hes flirting with you and and you say no he'll back off, no questions asked

He still has friends from college

Okay now to the sad shit: he constantly gets compared to his older brother. mostly by his dad (his mom is a sweetheart and loves both of her sons equally)

His older brother wasnt good at school, was an alcoholic, dropped out of college, the only thing that makes him better in their father's eyes is that he played football, and he's found a way to become rich

Phillip was good at school and sports, won prom king, went to college, had a degree and a decent job and yet that still wasnt enough to please his dad

His dad is...an old fashioned dude. like if phillip has a daughter and he sees him playing with her, he'll call him a pussy

Or even if he has a son and he even so much as hugs him, his dad will also bicker and bitch about him "acting like a mom"

Phillip still goes to family events but avoids talking to his dad as much as possible, or if he's forced too he'll just try to end the conversation

His uncles are alright, somehow. Like they're funny, but not in a misogynistic way. they're still kinda ignorant in their own way tho

His mom is a very good cook. like she actually uses seasoning and stuff (and of course his dad bitches and whines about it)

She wanted a third kid because she was hoping for a daughter, but the dad said he didnt wanna push their luck because he didnt want a girl, so they just stopped at 2 kids

Price

Jokingly calls Gaz his son. gaz is happy about it honestly

He loves kids. like when he had kids he was literally the happiest man alive

Yes, this man is a certified dilf

He has twin girls, both of which he loves to death and will die for them

He's always been able to tell whos who. Hes learned every detail about each one of them

Sometimes they try to gaslight him by switching identities but hes way too smart for that

Twin 1(pretending to be twin 2): "hey dad, can i have some candy?"

"You're [Twin 1], youve already had a ton of candy today"

Twin 1: "..no im [Twin 2] and i havent eaten any candy today"

"You're not fooling me [Twin 1]"

Twin 1: "damn..."

Has a small silver heart locket with their picture in it. he wears it all the time under his uniform

After missions he'll bring them gifts when he comes back from wherever said mission took place

One of them is really jealous and fussy, the other is chill and cuddly

like when they were babies/toddlers she'll screech if she sees Price giving her sister even an inkling of attention

when they were babies, sometimes price would be found on the ground in the living room sleeping with his daughters sleeping in his arms

as babies they would always tug at his mustache

would both freak out if he even so much as trimmed it

[undergrounddweller89]

hii, i wanted to say that i really love your writing and art. brings me joy to see chai x kale, my blorbos. do you have any headcannons about them?

🤔 well without any specific ones you'd like me to talk about my brain is trying to pick one but I guess I do have some but they're probably stuff I've already written heh ❤️ and thank you ❤️❤️❤️❤️

So like we all think about how Kale is the oldest so he's gotta always be 100 percent in charge right?

Well what if he let's Chai sometimes just decide their schedule for the day, doesn't matter what it is, he didn't have to plan it , sort it or work it out, he gets to come along for the ride and actually experience a few things.

Kale and his Sister plan days so that they can take time off to be with their significant others.

I bet there's some days Kale just loves making a fuss of Chai and Chai acts like his usual cocky self but adores it....just as much as Kale can be stubborn he likes that Chai always remembers his coffee and will even go off campus to get him a Cortado if the machines are broken.

No one but Chai knows Kale likes his coffee with lots of milk and three sugars, that's one he's been told to take to the grave with him, Chai thinks it's fucking cute but accepts these terms of knowing this oh so secret information xD

Let's see love making can vary from if I don't fuck you now I'll die, from Kale being above him and gently cupping Chai's cheek , his hand covering almost half his face with how big it is, and his heart races in the quiet moment , those moments he can't believe he's really in because it's so perfect it has to be a dream right, when ever Kale holds Chai's face like this , Chai always kisses Kale's palm and smiles up at him and says I love you.

Which has Kale leaning down to kiss him because how could he not love Chai.

They are super cuddly after sex like if kale gets up to go get a snack Chai is holding onto him like a koala and Kale loves it, he'll literally panic if Chai doesn't because he'll worry something is wrong.

One year Chai learned how to knit

(I can't knit for shit but if I could I would knit my loved ones so many scarfs they could make a rope bridge out of them xD)

Turns out Chai was really good at knitting and taught CNMN how to knit and Macaron even joined....they formed a little knitting club :3c Because I head cannonly say so pffft

But back to the point

So it was like Kale's birthday and Chai saw all the really expensive gifts Kale got and Chai was standing at the back as everyone gave their gift , probably like at some big party....because let's be honest who gets to plan what they really want the do on their own birthday and have to go along with the plans everyone else makes for them.

Kale noticed that Chai left at one point and made sure to send a message asking if he was alright and Chai just said he was tired.

Kale wasn't sure how much Chai had drunk that night so he really might be but he didn't stay too much past midnight and returned back to their home.

Chai woke up being poked in the face

"Hey...I know you got me something...I've been waiting all day for it gimme."

Kale held out his hand expectantly and Chai curls up and is like no...it's not as good as all those other ones.

Kale shakes his head

Pffft please they saw something shiny and assumed I wanted and or needed it, they didn't pick it because they love me they chose them because they love my name.

He pokes Chai's sides and Chai's like noooo you know I'm ticklish!

That's the point kid , now where's my birthday present, come on gimme you rascal!

Keeps playfully tickling his side's and Chai eventually rolls off the thin box he was laying on top of the bow crushed but Kale didn't care he was quick to rip off the packaging with a triumphant laugh only to go quiet as he held it in his hands.

A beautiful red scarf with the Vandelay logo at each end the white V's were lined in gold the red at each end fading into gray then black with tassley bits at the end which he immediately started playing with.

"Sorry I know it's not that-"

"I swear to god Chai if you tell me it's not good I will bite you hard you won't heal for a week."

Chai blushes at that and then watches him play with the end of the scarf.

"I noticed you start to play with your pens or other little things when you're bored or stressed so I added the tassley bits at the end."

Kale's still looking at it and smiling

"I personally want to throw every gift I've gotten in the fire tonight apart from this one, this is the only gift that matters to me but you know there's one other I would like tonight..."

"Oh?"

"I think you know what it -wait a minute...."

He went to carefully place the scarf in a very safe place before coming back and kissing him

"I think you know what I want , am I too late to cash in on that access to Chai's body whenever I want on my birthday coupon?"

"I gave that to you three years ago."

"You never put an expiration date on it..."

Chai kissed him while still giggling and wrapping himself around Kale

"I suppose I didn't...but keep it , after all it doesn't say it has a one time use either."

That turned head cannony rambly xD there's probably more ideas but I think I put a fair bit here already.

If there's something specific you wanna ask go right ahead ❤️

[uupdirector]

Ever had days when you LITERALLY don't feel like yourself?

I've been in a strange head fog as of recently, and whether that's because of stress, drained from the 9-5 (technically 8-4:30 but eh - not much different), or being constantly sucked into consuming media, it's led to me finding less enjoyment in the things I usually LOVE doing.

I've been trying my best to fix it for myself, playing more games as of recent - even some old gems I haven't played in a good long while, trying to animate during mornings to keep my motivation in check, talk with more people, and so on. Some days are better than others, but when bottom of the barrel days come around, they're REALLY bottom of the barrel, and what's worse is that no amount of logic clicks with why its happening in the first place, even though I KNOW why. Depression is a tricksy b**** to work out, and though therapy does help with reassurance and practicing how to better myself, its not an instant solution. I know this, but that doesn't make it much better.

I suppose what I need is something new - something I've never done before that would help bring back my joy, and though I don't know what that is just yet, I know that with enough persistence and research, I'll find my way.

If you're in a similar spot like me, any input would be greatly appreciated. I know I'm not the only one feeling this way, but I also don't reach out on a larger scale to know that for certain, and it's time I finally did that more often - even amongst peers.

Regardless of where I am, I know I'll push through regardless, and I hope anyone in my position manages to do so as well. Have a great day, ya'll 💙

[woahjo]

hey i read about your advice to other anon about writing. really nice. i want to ask if you have any advice for a writer that's just starting? i want to start writing because the made up scenarios in my head i feel are just so good and would be perfect for certain tropes but when i realize i would actually have to WRITE write it (me everytime i get that realization 🤯) i get so demotivated because when i actually try to, my brain stutters within the first two sentences i put out because i am very much not confident in my english skills, i see so many other good writers and when reading their work i go like, 'wow i have never thought of it that way before', 'wow, how did they even think to phrase it like this?' and then i start doubting my knowledge in grammar/vocabulary because i think what if i really barely know anything if there are so many things i never thought of putting it in a way that they do, how can i start if i am not as skillful as they are with their words? i lose that spark everytime i have that thought and then i'm back to just daydreaming about these little fun scenarios in my head that i really want to put out but can't bring myself to have enough courage for to actually just go ahead and do it whether i mess it up or not

i thought of using grammarly and start paying for a subscription just for my writing to be improved better in a way i never thought to do lol 😅

(tldr: english is not my first language and i really want to start writing but i fear i lack a lot of knowledge in my vocabulary which will result in a bad story that won't make sense, how do i find confidence to just start regardless of?)

hi anon!! glad u enjoyed it LOL

the nice thing about writing is that no one just wakes up one day knowing how to write and craft beautiful stories!!! it's a skill built up with time and practice, but it starts with an idea and the desire to write it. everyone starts in a similar place and yeah!!! it's amazing reading something and thinking "wow i haven't thought of it that way before i wonder how they did that?'" experiencing that feeling is one of the great joys of writing and ofc it can be intimidating, but it can also be SO SO inspiring with a small change of perspective. besides, you never know if someone will read the work that you want to write and have the same thought.

as for the language barrier and vocabulary worries, vocabulary grows with practice even when you're speaking in your native language. the more you write, even if you don't post it, the more comfortable you'll become. that AND you can always look it up! if you're not sure about a word or want to use something stronger / with more variation, you can ALWAYS ALWAYS access an online thesaurus and find synonyms. i do it all the time, thesaurus.com is literally my holy grail.

the best advice i can give you for starting is to just start writing. i know that's super obvious, but the only way out is through!!! what helps me when i've hit a block or im feeling less than confident is reminding myself that i love writing, i love storytelling, i love fanfiction, and that when i write, i do it for myself. it sounds so corny, but if you center your driving force for writing as yourself, it becomes a lot easier to do it just because. my advice would be to imagine writing as a stream of consciousness at first rather than something fully developed. just try and let the words come out you without worrying if they're good or bad because you can always go back and change it later!!

i hope that you do start writing and that when you do, your anxieties surrounding it recede into the background!!! have a good day!!!

[nekosd43]

I just need to vent

I'm so depressed. But it feels different from my Capital D Depression because at least when I take medication my Capital D Depression chills out.

Like it feels physically different. I remember what it felt like before I was medicated, this does NOT feel like that. I remember how I would talk to myself before and it is not like that.

I honestly don't think i can pills and therapy my way out of this one.

I can't get out of this goddamn funk because I'm stuck in a living situation that is actually capital H Hell because somehow I am perpetually unlucky.

It's the first day of school again and once again I am at home with no job. Everyone tells me I'm good at teaching, I never get negative feedback when I'm observed, students and parents like me BUT SOMEHOW I never get to keep a job! Somehow there is always someone better and more qualified than me! HOW IS THAT STILL POSSIBLE I've been teaching for 12 years!!! I've taught literally every grade and every version of language arts offered in our district, from newcomer english to APIB. But then I see people fresh out of college getting hired and I think - is it me??? Am I doing something wrong??? nobody tells me I am but I can't get a job so clearly it's me???

I live in one of the pockets of Red in CA so our district is very conservative, and I'm hearing talks of book bans and parent rights and CTR and I know I'm not Out but I wonder if it's that, or if I should even be staying here at all.

But then I can't leave because I can't make the money to afford moving!

My normal outlets and coping strategies don't help because it's inescapable. And now internet 3.0 is sucking out what little joy I was getting from those things.

I make things and I want people to see them and say something, but I spend hours on a painting and I get no response. I ask questions and nobody answers. And I think "ah, but you should make things because you love to make them, not because of the attention it brings you" but YOU KNOW WHAT IT WOULD JUST BE NICE IF LITERALLY ANYONE TOLD ME I WAS DOING A GOOD JOB AT ANYTHING?

I'm so TIRED of clearly being good at my job, being good at writing, being a good artist, and yet I get NO acknowledgement from people UNLESS I have predicated it with self deprecation or shove it into people's faces and ask them directly "Hey tell me you like this".

And I KNOW this is 100% not because I'm bad at what I do. It's because the way things are structured now on the internet makes it basically impossible for me to be seen by anyone who isn't already looking for me. And maybe I wouldn't be so dependent on it if I hadn't come from an adolescence Old Web where it was a lot easier to discover and talk to other artists and I had people communicating with me directly about what I was making instead of just liking it and leaving it in the void.

And I WANT to decouple myself, I want to not feel like I NEED the numbers to go up to be happy, but I can't STOP sharing things online because I'm becoming more and more isolated and it's the only way to share things with the people who DO care. Friends I've had my whole life are moving away from me in the physical world, and online friends i've known for decades are disappearing in waves because of policy changes and then they're just Gone. The internet is the only way I can keep in touch with people but it's ALSO my biggest tormentor because every SECOND someone isn't talking to me I feel as though I'm being purposefully ignored.

BUT every second someone IS talking to me it becomes a guilt spiral of "ah shit, how have I guilted this person into pitying me because Evidence shows people would MUCH rather not talk to me." And I KNOW that's not true!!!! People have lives outside me!!! But my world is getting smaller and smaller and feels more and more empty and the best thing to do is LEAVE and let my world get BIGGER with MORE THINGS in it but I can't AFFORD to leave and nobody around me is obligated to drop what they're doing to make me feel like the world isn't ending.

AND YEAH IT FEELS LIKE THE WORLD IS ENDING.

I don't want to feel that way but I do!!!!! I feel like everything is on the verge of collapse, and who is going to need ME when the world ends? Nobody! Nobody will ! They all have someone else they'd turn to first and I WOUDN'T WANT THEM TO ANYWAY! What good am I??

I just need everyone to stop what they're doing and HOLD me and tell me I did the best I could??? How selfish! How self centered! Who am I to ask that!? The world is ending and all I can think about is me.

AND IT'S SO FRUSTRATING BECAUSE I KNOW. I KNOW IF I JUST HAD AN INCOME NONE OF THIS WOULD BE HAPPENING TO ME. I don't feel this way when I'm working, even on my VERY meager teacher's salary! But I can't keep a job long enough to GET OUT OF HERE. I just work JUST long enough to have hope, and then I'm unemployed again!

I JUST WANT TO LIVE! I JUST WANT TO HAVE A PLACE THAT IS MINE! I JUST WANT TO LIKE WHO I AM AND WHAT I DO! AND I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO SEE ME AND I KNOW I'M SEEN AND THAT'S ENOUGH.

and the worst part is i know i will be refreshing this all day hoping to see SOMEONE, ANYONE commenting. because number goes up. and that will feel good for ten minutes.