#THERES LIKE 700 PEOPLE WHAT THATS SO MANY

[buwheal]

Damn, Spam, did the cake taste that bad? - bad joke. Sorry you're havin' a rough day. We're here if you need to talk, or if you just need a distraction.

[star-on-a-beach]

Okay um. I really don't like doing this, like, ever

But

Tw for vent post, Bc idk, maybe it'll help if I talk about this where it'll be seen and not on a vent blog where I know no one sees it

So it's pretty obvious that pretty much everything right now is in kind of a shit state and I'm really at the end of my line trying to be optimistic about it. Presidential election, rp, guard, college, art, writing, all of this shit, even stuff I'm supposed to enjoy, makes me want to fucking shatter a rock because I don't want to do anything anymore other than scroll through social media on my phone which, I've probably developed an addiction, and of course that makes me feel even fucking worse bc I told myself I'd never get addicted and look at where I am now

So many things I'm unhappy with are really kind of tying back to me and I'm so angry at everything but especially myself now, but theres nothing I feel like I can do about it but try and break it all down I guess?

There's shit going on with color guard and, other than the friends I've made within it and the actual performances, I don't fucking enjoy it anymore because our coach is apparently super fucking shitty and a liar and unfair and argumentative and never sticks with the drill she writes and doesn't give us the resources to put it together correctly, WHEHN SHES LITERALLY OUR COACH AND THATS HER JOB, IVE TRIED SO HARD TO STAY KIND TO HER BUT WITH EVERYONE AROUND ME TALKING SHIT AND TALKING ABOUT WHAT A BAD PERSON SHE IS IM STARTING TO DO IT TOO AND I HATE IT

And then obviously there's the actual schoolwork that needs to get done, I thought I had not one, not two, but 3 FUCKING ESSAYS DUE ON THE 11TH, WHICH WERE ASSIGNED TO US ON WEDNESDAY, AND EACH HAD TO BE 700 WORDS LONG. Granted it doesn't actually have to be like that but teachers are talking about finals now and I'm going to have SO many essays for that and I have a whole debate too. I'm tired and sick of waking up at ridiculously different times for classes and not being able to have a goddamn nap bc I'm either working, procrastinating with the screens addiction again, or I don't have enough time because god knows I can't take power naps for SHIT, and I'm not fucking paying for coffee in this economy

I can't even relax how I normally want to because I'm so tired from everything, too. Writing big things for TAOCC or drawing feels like a chore, and then I feel obligated to draw others characters or I want to actually do so but I have no energy for it, and I can't get my art to look how I want it to perspective-wise, no matter how many tutorials I look at, and it never ends up the way I want and I haven't even finished TAOCCTOBER or Memoryquest, both of which I feel shitty for, because then they're both more things that I'm giving up on, and I give up on so much shit so easily unless I'm being pushed over and over and over and over, although rn I really wanna just say to hell with it and kill both of them entirely

And with taocc as a whole, I don't even know where to begin. I mentioned in my earlier post that I'm struggling to be assertive and actually say what I want with RP, which results in me feeling really unsatisfied with it a lot. I feel like people aren't interested in my characters and I need to be the one trying to build the characters' connections by asking questions, which. I love when other characters ask mine questions, because so much would be revealed if PEOPLE JUST ASKED. I know you guys don't mean it in this way but I feel like I'm trying to push all of this out, but I barely get anything back except for maybe one question or comment or smth, but it feels like the characters aren't interested in my characters' pasts, and that means the mods aren't either. Which, is really no fault of yours, whether you are or not, it's my fault because I can't bring myself to get off my high horse and actually say "hey, are you willing to have your characters ask about mine?" because I have the firm mentality of "if they wanted to, they would", and I'm trying to make other characters feel important while also craving mine to feel important, but the moment they do, I wonder if I'm taking the main-character roles too much and I need to even it out so I immediately divert the attention back to yours and feel shitty about it. Once again, this is no one's fault but mine, and this is partially why my relationship with my last rp partner, aka my ex bsf, ended, because I wasn't assertive enough and kept wondering if I was hogging the spotlight any time focus did switch to my characters which just isn't enjoyable for anyone. So I'm angry and terrified that these patterns which are repeating are going to lead to a similar outcome.

It isn't even just that though, I just really hate how I write as a whole rn. I used to be so poetic and good with words but now they read difficult unless I'm writing a great wall of text, and my characters aren't acting the way I want to, partially because I'm trying to morph them to get along more with other characters and diminish their flaws so they're liked by others, but it just takes away from who they were originally and I hate that as well. It's easy to get caught up in the heat of the rp but for fucks sake I expect myself to be a better writer than this.... and I haven't even gotten around to fixing the fucked-up-with-a-side-of-cheddar timelines, which have been NAGGING at my mind for FUCK KNOWS HOW LONG, but once again, I don't even want to do anything anymore and I get mad bc the only things I wanna do are just self indulgent shit and like hell I'm asking for that from anyone (see, that's part of the problem, right there.)

I think the only thing I hate more than not being assertive with rp is the fact that I'm an adult among you all. Yes, being 18 now while the majority of you are minors is a massive fucking deal to me, and I'm realizing why exactly adults generally avoid friendships like this, because I'm constantly worried about being a good example to you all. I have to have the good advice, I have to be available, I have to be good with assertiveness and boundaries, hell part of the reason I try and avoid venting so much is because you all do not fucking need to have that burden. Every time I do something like this post I immediately think "these are kids and I'm an adult, it's kids trying to help an adult who should not be saying this stuff or laying this burden on them", as if I'm some kind of weirdo. I really try my damndest to not be one of those adults who dumps all their problems on adolescents in order to feel better about their own shitty life, I don't want to be the adult who their younger friends are comforting all the time and have that burden on them (yes, I am completely aware this post contradicts that, and yes, I am very ashamed but I feel Im at rock bottom and you guys deserve to know (but don't deserve the burden of it)). I don't feel like the example I want to be to you guys, I'm incredibly dense, and half the time, I feel like an oblivious idiot for the simplest fucking things in rp even when no one says anything that implies any of you guys think that. I get so annoyed as well, and that's another part I especially hate, it's that I get annoyed with the smallest things so damn easily, whether it's someone saying something random in call and breaking silence, or someone talking about a subject after we've moved on, or a rant that's gone on for a really long time. All of those are ridiculous things to be annoyed by, and I'm completely aware of that. I'm not proud of it whatsoever. It might also be the weather, but I'm so, so, so annoyed by so many tiny, insignificant things nowadays that it's ridiculous, and I've snapped on call a few times which I feel horrible about. I'm trying so hard to be a good, strong role model for all of you, because that's what you deserve and I want to be like that for you. But, both here and in real life, my own idiocy and density and emotions make me feel like I'm never going to escape being a dense, emotional, spacy child who keeps trying to catch up. And as an adult, I'm really, really, really upset that I feel like this because once again, you guys are the minors, not me. I'm not saying you guys should feel like that (I really hope not, no one should feel like that), but it feels even worse since I'm trying to be the adult for you guys to look up to, but I'm looking up to all of you instead. And then, even worse, I get jealous. Not of the bad shit you guys go through, but like. Insignificant things. Art styles, friends, activities, actually having your family around. I really hate myself for being jealous of that and always comparing and trying to match it since it's completely hypocritical of me otherwise.

I'm closing up this vent, but tw for some darker themes in the next paragraph

I'm really just kind of sick of life as a whole. I'm done being an adult, to hell with this, just let me be the younger friend again so I don't have to see myself as an old baby. I'm tired of all of this and the dark jokes I make, they're horrible, but they're becoming more common and I think about the content of them a lot. I'm so tired of this shit and feeling like this and I'm mad and ashamed that I'm making this post because of everything I said above. I'm so done with everything. To hell with this country, to hell with my future, to hell with drawing and writing and trying to put stuff out. At the time of writing this I'm crying, because I'm really really missing my dad. I want to hug him and be with him. I want my family overall to be okay. I want to feel happy and content with myself and my life like back in summer. I'm so sorry for having to say all this but it's the truth and, again, this is my last resort for trying to feel better because hell knows I don't have the initiative to make an appointment and talk to a therapist on campus. Ik this will go away later but ffs i don't know if I can wait until later.

Ok, heavy vent part is over

I've said a lot so I'm ending it here. If you choose to ignore this, that's fine. I'd appreciate some kind of acknowlegement, tbh, whether it's a like or a comment or something, or just a kind word (whatever you do, please don't just put *hug* and leave it at that, hugs dont really feel like they have much more meaning at this point). It feels ridiculous to ask you for comfort especially after kinda dumping all of this here for you guys to see but I might as well try ig. Idk, I'm gonna just try and not delete this out of shame.

I hope you all know that I love you guys so, so, so, so much. This community has brought me so much joy and leaving is the last thing I'd ever dream of unless I had to. I hope you guys don't mind me doing this too much. Logically Ik you probably don't but, really, none of what I just vented about is based in logic regardless.

Thank you for reading, whether it was skimming or fully reading it. Kind words are appreciated but obviously not forced and I love you guys so much. Goodnight ❤️

[suenitos]

Ah u know what that is completely fair. I keep forgetting tht not everyone has access to the same information as people in the fandom do especially with how hard it would be to even find any of our posts outside the fandom

As an experiment i tried to google 'tommyinnit controversy 2024' and only found surface lvl logan paul twitter drama and a few dwt2 posts that only discuss his current yt videos (and also a wildly misinformed post on his reddit page that ofc made the dteam devil incarnate 😭) but none of the actual '''''drama'''' stuff that we know about so damn I didn't expect it to be that hard

Trying to even begin research on any of that opens up like 700 other topics because now u also need to look up those things while also trying not to fall into either of the opposing sides biased views on those situations but also lets not forget the actual topic at hand ect

While i cannot claim that this changes my opinion from my previous essay andy post completely it did certainly made me extend more grace towards her

I try to always assume incompetence instead of malice but something abou drantis and general anti dream rethoric makes me Evil. So even seeing his face or hearing his name nearly made me black out💀💀

I am still mad tho cuz damn another wave of braindead people (slash jey) sucking tommys dick because Hes One Of The Good Ones and not Evil like those Other Minecraft Youtubers™😞

yeah exactly stuff like this is what i mean like as much as information on the internet is catalogued extensively and can be found in some form or another you need to know WHERE and HOW to find it. what sources to trust, timestamps. if stuff has been deleted from source is there a way to find it in reposts, or discussions on blogs? is there a community on twitter? does it look the same as it did four years ago when the drama was prevalent? what about suspended accounts, people nuking stuff, and archives that arent preserved anymore? did anyone bother to preserve it at all? theres so many questions you need to ask if youre willing to deep dive or research ANYTHING and the truth unfortunately is there are a lot of people who just dont have the time or care to do so which again leads back to the type of reactionary and awful drama channels we DONT like. or deep dives that are either extremely deep or surface level no in between. thats not even getting into algorithmic bias at all!! which is also a serious problem in preservation and archiving

im glad you could humor my point a little bit, and i can still completely understand why anything having to do with general drantiness causes that reaction because though i dont get this way with chommy i definitely do have a visceral negative reaction when different people are brought up too. as for your last part yeah. that also pisses me off too i dont necessarily wish any ill on him but i really need people to move on from that sort of thinking so bad, not in the sense that all people from any group are evil but that your parasocial expectations of a person can be very different than the reality :/ maybe im not wording that right but i hope you understand what i mean there

[oh-cramity-its-amity]

real! I used to love her (ts) but she feels very different than she used to. I’ve listened to phoebe bridgers a bit, she was good just not the type of music I usually listen to. Boy genius and Lucy Dacus are both amazing tho. They for sure deserved to win Aoty, or sia

sorry for how long this got??? i just started writing and oh whoops....

anyway- THATS what ive been saying about her unfortunately. its like after folklore/evermore things genuinely changed because of all the fame and popularity. people werent criticizing her anymore and instead overly praising her.

which isnt bad! i do think she deserves praise over folklore. the marketing of it being a suprise album was very clever too. but i think before those folklore there was a sense of criticism that people had with her music that kept her wanting to innovate it.

i have a strong believe that social media's algorithms are failing artists to innovate pop music in the same way than 00's pop music did just because of how much less artists have to lose now with their brandings. i once again bring up artpop by lady gaga and how much she lost for her idea???? and now??? gaga was really fucking killing it. her music had such creativity and passion put into it that you can SEE her drive in that. (also to know i didnt understand artpop as an album until MUCH later in my life)

but taylors lack of needing to innovate her sound due to her popularity and lack of criticism really has just shown how much her music has come to decline in quality. if you see the transition between fearless and speak now. those two albums. she TOOK the criticism that she "couldnt write her own songs" and literally flipped that narrative to write that entire album herself. and to me? arguably speak now is MY favorite taylor album.

and the transition between speak now to red to 1989 to reputation. theres SO much that happened in that sense of time. theres different sounds that make those albums what they are. 1989 was such a creative endeavor for her because it was her first step into pop music. i think was also her first time working with jack? now people say her decline on music is his fault as a producer but i dont believe his role had gotten bad until midnights. (i saw people discussing clairo's sling album because he produced it. but THEYRE WRONG. SLING IS GOOD AND HIS ERA OF BAD PRODUCING HAPPENED IN 2023(?) i forget when midnights came out ugh thats how many taylor albums we have gotten ffs)

but the breakaway and challenge 1989 gave really set up for reputation. she disappeared because of all the hate. and i think while I DONT SUPPORT that type of treatment because no one should go through that type of mental low... that really set her into a space to create more fluidly and with more passion?

lover- people will say was a flop.. and ill admit too... cruel summer?? shouldve never ever became a single. it was better as a hidden gem. but lover was good for the majority of songs!! there's still passion in it.

it was just that after folklore/evermore it felt very.... underwhelming and not like her at all. the quality slipped so so off the page. it just feels very recycled and unnecessary. especially like i said the fandom doesnt help with overconsumtion and she really truly should use her platform for more. the economy being in shambles and yet she wants to charge $700 for a concert ticket. (nothing bad if like someone WANTS to go but its genuinely ridiculous because inflation shouldnt BE like that).

not to even cover merch??? why is it so high?? shouldnt you want it to be accessible to your fans since you have so many?? vinyl prices are ridiculous but WHY is a hoodie almost $100. im sorry but like why 😭. cant we just charge $60 again?????

anyway all that to say that after the evermore era her music genuinely slipped off. im just thankful that the speak now rerecord didnt get BOTCHED as high hell. i have opinions about the vault tracks because the entire reason was to include tracks from that era and yet its like your smearing shit onto a perfectly wonderful painting and saying "look yall!! i added to this!!" wrong. wrong wrong wrong. idk. 1989's vault tracks just made me mad. it felt so unlike the vibe of what 1989 was???? and slut was NOT written at the time of 1989. come on.

timeless though off of the rerecord for speak now.... i will defend that one with my honor. i genuinely am glad speak now's vault tracks didnt get horrible treatment. i like that she kept the solo writing with the entire album. adding on fob and hayley's collabs as a callback because i really remember seeing videos of her singing sugar were going down and thats what you get during the speak now tour. it just felt like a full circle moment for that. fob's collab couldve been better but im glad it wasnt like... bad.

stilllll think matty's collab couldve been iconic on slut. even if i hate 1989's vault tracks as a whole... the 1975 does have good music. I KNOW. controversial yeah. anyway. hes got talent tho.

i found phoebe during 2020 when i was listening to a bunchhh of different artists (the 1975 too yeah). but punisher found me and i used to not be able to sleep due to anxiety/insomnia back then and i would listen to that album for months to just SLEEP.

i have a closeee bond with it. its like my favorite if not a close second of my favorite album of all time. its just really interesting?? also really valid that its not your type of music either. i just hold her stuff close. also did a english assignment on smoke signals' lyrics. i remember that. i got to say "fuck the cops" in the assignment and felt very proud of myself LMAO.

in terms of lucy- i for some reason never have gotten around to listening to her stuff?? even though i know i need to and should?? i just always somehow forget. many people have told me to but oh man i forget.

glad we can agree that they deserved album of the year btw.

sorry for the LENGTHY reply but yeah!! i might be forgetting to talk about something but askinf about my special interests (music) will always give you a lengthy answer.

[thegeniusofplaytimeco]

Chapter 2: not here. not now. not anymore.

Y/N would probably have thought of everything, except what he just heard on his phone, it hits him harder than he would have expected. Then theres this Problem with CatNap and a missing Worker, this will get weird.

---

This chapter contains some depressive behaviour… i think.

---

Nothing.... at all... I hear absolutely nothing as I simply push my phone back into my coat pocket. A Headache starts, a very bad one, my head throbs as if someone had shot me. I... I can't do this...

"Why?" That's all I say... I just can't say anything else. I just don't understand it... 'Why me? Is this the karma for my actions here in this fucking shithole? Just thinking about it makes my head throb harder. 'Shit'

No matter what, showing emotions in this Hellhole won't get me anywhere, especially not with the Experiments. 'I need to distract myself, which experiment do I still have to visit?'

While I'm thinking about the other experiments, a memory comes up out of nowhere that I had long forgotten.

Me and Rin on the football pitch, well..not exactly, we were sitting on the grass both eating an ice cream. 'Siblings are great'. Shit, what am I thinking, I haven't spoken to him for years. And now that mum's funer-

"Fuck!" I shout it out loud, far too loud for the dark passages that await me here until I arrive at the lab. I can't distract myself, and I won't see the lab for another 700 meters, so there's plenty of time. Enough time for my thoughts to slowly consume my Sanity…

And I have to get out of here slowly, the stuffy air and my flaming head are killing me down here, and I also have to talk to Elliot later. 'Pathetic' Pathetic to ask someone if you can take time off because someone has died.

'Wait a minute, someone? My mum isn't just a someone, is she?' No, I don't need permission from someone like him, who lets little kids and staff down here turn into monsters just because they don't dance to his tune.

But am I that much better? After all, I have the direct position under him and carry out the operations that turn people into these flesh-filled abominations.

My eyes tremble as I can finally see the light. 'The lab' I literally grind my feet against the glass door as I slowly pick up the handle and press on it 'Its cold', I haven't even opened the door and there are already 2 people running towards me.

Before they say anything I check them out, thats what i always do. Stacy and John, both wearing their hair up today. With Stacy being about 5.5 ft and John standing taller than me, at 6.2 ft. They both stop Running to me and just stay here, well not long… Cause Stacy begins to Speak.

"Y/N you have to ma-"

"The Smilling Critters, right?"

"Shit… youre Scary... but yeah, Them. well actually just CatNap but I heard they need a medic down there for the kids and Lukas has already been down there for a day." She talks way too fast, Lukas is not the smartest nor the physically strongest so he's probably lost somewhere. 'Wouldn't be the first time'.

"Wait a minute... How did you know it was about the Smilling-"

"You're both far too worried to have just one employee down there, you do realize we have almost 10,000?" I quickly reply,trying to not waste Time.

"Hey, you don't think that way about us, do you ?, or when we get lost down there?" John starts to mumble, and quite heavily at that, but there's not really much he could have said.

"I don't think you're that incompetent, after all, you're scientists here, and not an electrician who can't tell left from right."

"Man, Lukas is really nice, you really don't have to look down on him like that, you know?" I stopped listening at the beginning when I heard the name Lukas. That guy got lost many Times before already.

"Yes, and Lukas has to be found quickly and brought here, he didn't want to go under there but it was an emergency!"

"Hm?" Well, now they had part of my attention. An emergency ?

"Yes, and also it's his Mother's birthday tomorrow, and he doesn't want to be late."

"His mum? He can be la-" 'Wait, what?' I feel like my brain has just stopped, like I'm seconds away from a panic attack. His mum? He has to go to her birthday?’

"Hello... earth to Y/N?" My brain is completely switched off I can't hear anything apart from my pounding heart,dammit. And on top of that, my fucking head is throbbing more and more. 'Mother'. The only thing working in my head right now is the amygdala, the emotional memory system.

'Birthday' was all I could hear, but I could still see all of my mother's last 60 birthdays before my eyes. As a family on the couch, or in the restaurant, even in the car when we just drove to another Place. 'God damn it' why now? And then the birthdays of the last 5 years.

Where I wasn't present because I was: 'working', I didn't do shit. I spent the days turning the employees who threatened to 'talk' into neglected monsters who could neither talk nor think for themselves. No 'monster' doesn't even begin to describe what I did to them, from drugging them to slowly pulling out some of their nerves so they would be so scared they wouldn't even dare to think about driving this company to ruin.

"Hey Y/N is everything good?"

Goddammit... I wasted my time down here in this hole using my brain while out there the people who brought me here were running out of time but I didn't care.

"! Y/N HEY Y/N!"

No I didn't give a shit, I've been doing the same thing for the last few years and now time ran out for my mom... How much longer do I have until my father dies?

I'm about to fall to the floor,but I just about catch myself. 'What the fuck?'

"Hey?" 'Yeah, what is it? what do you want?'

"Y/N" ‘Yes?’, they’re both staring at me like I'm a little kitten they just found on the street.

“Well sorry that I pushed you”    Yeah yeah very sorry, ‘I know you don’t give a shit about it’.

"I was just thinking about something..." I'm not lying, but I've been doing a lot more than just thinking about it...

"Damn Y/N it looked like you saw a ghost hahaha... You were really petrified for a few seconds, but that's with you with your whole... I'm sure it's normal with your big brain and knowledge" Damn he talks a lot, he likes hering his own voice so much.

"Funny... I'm on the way" I turn around and walk through the clean and all white lab, I don't need to turn around because I know how Stacy and John are probably staring into my Soul.

As I walk through I see a tall man coming through into the lab with a small child. 'A little girl? how? she's not old enough for the experiments' I decide not to get loud now and jeopardize the researcher's job. Besides, the little girl would probably start screaming if she knew that nobody wanted to adopt her, but that people trained and educated by *me* would be taking her organs from her body in a couple of hours. And Stuff that shit into some fucking puppet.

But I just leave the laboratory. ‘I have more important things to do' Saving a man with a family like Lukas or a little orphan without anyone, its not that hard of a decision.

I walk out of the door and a couple of employees come towards me again, 'I just hope they don't talk to me'.

And they don't, but they stare at me far too long for that. Of course every member of staff here knows me, and I'm in the direct position under Elliot Ludwig, but I'm not a god or anything, I'm just the guy who turns people into experiments.

At least I'm not one of the lowly employees who has to take the train to Playcare at Gamestation, because I got a master key personally from Elliot, and as I slowly slide my hands under the soft smock material in my pants pocket to get the key out, I can already see the elevator from a distance. !HIGHER MANAGEMENT ONLY! is written large on the front in dark red letters.

I take the golden-brown key in my hand and slide it under the shield into the lock. Turn it twice to the left and three times to the right. That was the combination, not everyone is allowed in here. The clean metal doors open and I stand in the open doorway.

And the lights around the room start to go on 'at last'. Theodore is supposed to have something, or as the rest of the gang call him CatNap. In my opinion the thing is a far cry from CatNap which now takes care of the children who don't want to sleep, after all it's not really alive anymore as I removed the heart and only left the operating part of the brain in the puppet.

But that was necessary because Theodore had a friendship with the Prototype and almost escaped with it, but I knew about their plan long before that. I knew that the prototype had chosen some kind of outsider among the children. would pick some misfit among the kids and make him obsessed with the 'Freedom', very predictable. and i was even sure exactly when they would pull it off. So I changed the green hands of the grave pack to non-functional ones so that anyone who tried to use them would be electroshocked.

The plan worked and the next thing I found was the badly burned, barely breathing, and bleeding Theodore Grambell on the operating table. He was to become a puppet that would only obey orders from the staff not the prototype. And now the 7-year-old sits in a corpse  that he has no control over whatsoever. Well, that's just the result of his belief in the prototype.

I hear a loud squeak and a ring, a female voice that says: "Playcare"

[cyanlastride]

can i be honest?

always.

it came to me in a dream. well not quite-- a daydream, not a nightdream. if thats what daydreams are. yaknow, i never thought of them as daydreams, i just thought of them as... thinking. daydream kinda diminishes it, dontcha think? like, as a society we put such little weight on dreams. theyre annoying to hear about -- i dont think that, but as far as im aware thats the popular perception. but thinking, well, smart people do thinking. and of course, im a smart person, so i must be doing the smart thing. i dont think i ever consciously thought that, but i still never bothered to actually sit down and ask someone what daydreaming is. so, goes to show ya, i guess. blindspots and whatnot.

sure.

anyways, where was i? right. "Legends of Anchor". it just sorta, came to me. it came to me, and i thought, i can do this! this is something i can do! was it close to what i was supposed to do? i dont know. i didnt particularly care. in that moment, i just needed something i could do, so i could do it. so, i wrote it down, in my little notes app, and the next day i did it. and then later, today, many days after ive handed it in but before ive got a mark back for it, i saw the note and deleted it.

yeah. i was here for that. it was like, not even 15 minutes ago.

yaknow, it had a new line after it. like, an enter. a press of the return key. like i wanted to add more. like i couldve added more. but i didnt really think about that. i saw the note, opened it, and deleted it.

do you want to continue it?

no! god no. not right now, at least.

why not?

im ashamed of it.

you did me. are you ashamed of me?

no, no, im not expla--

also, i totally helped you with it. it was kinda weird writing about myself, which is why we made a

third person to be a narrator, right, and i get that. its semi-autobiographical for you.

right. so why are you ashamed of it?

because it wasnt what was asked for! it was barely 700 words, and there was only one drawing, and it wasnt even a good drawing, and sure we added the little background bit but that only further undermines what we wrote, and it just...

it wasnt a good project.

yeah. its not what the assignment called for.

but its real. its truthful. its me.

i mean... kinda? its you, as a character.

you submitted yourself as a character for the creative writing class, and did well enough there. why should yourself characterized do any worse than me characterized?

because she'll see you as a character that i created, not as someone real. also, those are two different projects, with different aims, and different expectations...

but its a character. she asked you for a character. and you gave her one. sure, its not exactly in the format she asked for, but the work is all there.

is it? what work, exactly?

we put in work to do that. even if its just me, there's still art in choosing what to tell and what not to tell. we highlight that, with the gaps in the lorekeeper's knowledge. i am not something that can be totally picked apart and identified, replicated, none of that. i am not a science. i am a person. i change, constantly. just like you. in that way, im not a character. characters only change along a strict set of axis. if they change on too many, or too few, or ones that the audience isnt excepting, thats bad writing. but thats also real. thats how real people work. we contradict ourselves, constantly. so yeah, theres work there. theres art there. we made a character. and we drew her, with our limited drawing capabilities. is it good? maybe. maybe not. is it passable? i think so. and thats all we need. we pass this project, we pass the course.

but what if its not passable? what if we fail?

then we'll take another course, later. boo-hoo.

but--

failing does not make you a failure. people cant be failures. or successes. its not really a metric applicable to humans. people are just people. they fuck up. they learn. they grow. they help. they hurt. they keep going.

ill disappoint my professor.

do you really think that?

yes.

and youre worried about that?

yes.

then dont do it again.

but this was me doing it again. i never learn.

we will. eventually. we just have to keep trying.

that fucking sucks.

yes. yes it does.

i dont want to drop out again.

good. i dont either. keep that. keep that fear. keep that anger. when shit gets rough, think about how empty it was. youve got one advantage: yes, youre back at the starting line, but youve seen the view from halfway down. by some fucking miracle, youve seen it, and youre here to remember it. that doesnt put you ahead of anyone else. in fact, it puts you behind most people. but you know what that does mean? it means youll think twice before jumping again. and it means youll stay further from the edge, so you dont slip. and if you do fall, and you see that view again, at least youll be able to appreciate it.

an odd thing to find strength in.

strength in change. its either that, or hate. ill take change over mênis any day.

sometimes mênis is necessary.

sometimes. but not every day. it cant be every day. rage simply doesnt last that long. it kills you eventually.

change kills you too.

true. but the thing it kills lives on in the thing it creates. change is a force of creation and destruction. mênis is just destruction.

it feels like there should be one for just creation.

perhaps there is. perhaps one day we'll find it. perhaps we've had it before, and we've lost it, and its waiting before it lets us find it again.

or maybe its just for better people than us.

maybe.

[nikitalovesmelissa]

Nostalgic Fanboys rant

this is my first rant, and yes, i will be making a rants on Tumblr because i cant get to uploaded on YouTube because of sanctions we have in Russia, well, i gotta say that we Russians are living in hard times because of war we having for a year now, since Putin invaded Ukraine in March 2022. but beside that topic. Today Topic is gonna on Those idiotic nostalgic fanboys that are so immature and bashful about modern times and just need to grow up

These Nostalgic fanboys are driving me nuts sometimes, because they praise every media in the past, and bash the new ones just, because its modern. Like seriously, is that going to help, well im going to discuss the one point here, to reaching these moronic people out there,

No Decade is perfect, lets say about the 1980s, i mean i guess this decade has good cartoons, but in that decade we have to deal with A.I.D.S epidemic, and the 1989 Loma Prieta Earthquake. or 1990s there's a lot of good media that are great and nostalgic, but we also had the Los Angeles riots and Midwestern U.S Heatwave that happen in Chicago in 2995 and 700 people died in Chicago during Heatwave, the death of Doctor Suess, and the Columbine high School massacre, or the 2000s and of cousrse, there a lot of stuff thats actually best like Best Cartoons, Video Games, and Movies too, but yet, there's 9/11 that happen on September 11 in 2001, The War in Iraq, and other stuff happening in that decade, the point im trying to make is that our childhood wasnt as great as we thought it was, its because we were kids back then, if you say you born in the 90s or 2000s or present to be teenagers or adults, they are going to say the same thing, so our Childhood is not just Rainbows and sunshine, they act like everything was perfect likes they had no flaws and bash everything that is modern for no reason, and it ticks me off, i mean really, i going to say again, No decade is perfect, they have a pros and cons, its never predictable in any way, i was a the late 2000s to the Early 2010s theres still things i love from those decades, and no, im not going to praise these decades like it was they were the best, also there are many Star Wars nostalgic fanboys who whine and flame on the New Star Wars Movies or Tv Shows just, because it ruined Star Wars for them. I mean, What the heck, just because its new that doesn't mean that you have to absolute bash it and also they seem bash and hate over The Last Jedi or The Rise of Skywalker, are you really that dumb, you basically are just bashing on the movies that are okay or mediocre at best but you idiotic nostalgic fanboys are going to bash and talk every negative idiotic nitpick and is that gonna help with your lives, huh, No, oh gosh they just thick me of sometimes and they also hate on 2020s because of celebrity deaths, i mean what else is new People are dropping like flies in every year, and seriously is that going to help, i mean like Gosh, they are going to post on internet and talk about it online, i mean 2023 is a okay year so far for me. but you want to know know why this decade sucks its because all of these idootic moronic butthurt nostalgic fanboys who whine about todays entertainment, Cyberwolf and SonicShadow98 are right. they are idiotic nostalgiatards that they should grow up and stop being stuck in the past.

[grippingbeskar]

thanks for the tag!!! i luv talking about myself HAHAH @sturkillerbase

1) How many complete fics/one shots do you have that you have not published (yet)?

I have like 5 fics I could post if i edited them i just havent had time fml but I would call them finished

2) How many WIPS do you have right now?

Seven fml HAHAHAH

3) Do you take writing requests or write original ideas, or both?

Both! I have a lot of ideas but theres a couple of fics that have been inspired by requests, they usually take a little longer for me to write though bc i have no idea where to take them hahahah

4) If you do take requests, how many do you currently have?

I think I have two?? 

5) How many fandoms do you write for?

Marvel and Star wars r what I know best so 2? tons of charatcers in those worlds i feel like its enough

6) Are there any fandoms you wrote for in the past that you no longer write for?

I was a massive one direction fan, but I wouldnt call what I posted actual writing HAHHA thank fuck its all deleted now

7) Do you write for ships, reader inserts or other?

reader inserts mostly, maybe i should expand idk

8) Niche fandoms/characters you write for?

I do have a draft for Javi from Narcos is that counts?

9) Do you read fics as well as write them?

omg of course

10) What is your favorite genre to write for?

i want them to fuck. but with proper build up HAHHAH

11) What is your favorite trope (to read/write)?

hurt/comfort always omfg.

12) What do you do to get motivated to write?

I have no idea, it literally will come to me at random times when im day dreaming and ill just be like holy shit write this down 

13) Is there a trope/genre you like to read, but not write?

i cant think of any rn, anything i dont write is usually also things i dont read

14) Any characters/fandoms you want to write for that are never requested?

hmmm maybe more mcu characters??? 

15) How long have you been writing fanfiction?

nothing serious before a few months ago

16) Did you read fanfiction before you started writing?

omg i literally did nothing else HAHAHA

17) Do you only post on Tumblr, or any other sites as well?

yep just here! i might post on ao3 at some point but so far just here

18) What do you personally consider the word counts of “Drabble”, “One shots” and “fics”?

i feel like my standard for myself is different, but for a drabble anything like 500-700 words, one shot would be over 1k and then fic like anything over 5k??? mine are always longer tho idk i cant shut up 

19) Which do you prefer to write more? HC, drabbles, oneshots/fics, multi chapter stories, other?

one shots i think

20) Are there any stories you have discontinued? If so, why?

nope! my only series is on a lil hiatus but only bc i have no idea what to do next hahah

21) What is one of your main “pet-peeves” as a writer on Tumblr?

hmmmm i feel like the whole reblog/like ratio maybe?? i dont write anything for the likes or reblogs, but fics can reach a ton more people who might like it/give feedback if you reblog instead!!! support ur fave writers!!!

22) Do you write at a particular time of day?

usually at night/late afternoon

23) Do you listen to music, ambiance/noise, etc. to write or do you need silence?

i legit have tv shows on in the background. my mind can never concentrate unless i have like a thousand things happening at once hhaha

24) Do you outline your fics at all before writing?

nope we wing it out here

25) Do you post your writing as soon as you finish it, or do you schedule it to come out at a specific time/day?

usually i post right before i go to sleep because thats when i finish, but i dont really keep to a schedule or anything

tagging anyone who wants to do it!!!! tag me in urs i wanna read about all u beautiful ppl <3

[tamaharu]

thank you @eurydicees for tagging me (〃´▽` ) i love talking about myself. a list of my five favorite fics ive written (and thoughts!) oldest to newest

1. don't knock it till you've tried it

the magnus archives + 5.6k. this is, i wanna say, my most popular fic? and im glad for it! its one thing for your most popular content to be something you hate, but i think this still holds up really well. theres a lot i like about it, such as the pronoun/titles between povs, georgies whole pov, the ending line. high five past me. and OH MAN is it crazy that this has 700 kudos. its a very nice feeling to know that that many people liked something you wrote... even if what you wrote is about a guy murdering his past self haha.

2. i'm not wearing my usual lipstick, i thought maybe we would kiss tonight

ohshc + 16.4k. my ouran magnum opus! i still care so deeply for this hc, and i have gotten so many sweet comments on this, im very glad it resonated with a lot of people. 3k hits!!! i think thats really really good for an ouran fic posted in 2020. if i have time there are a few things id like to go back and change about this - unnecessary prose or some of the ending - but frankly, the emotional heart of this is something im very proud of. every person who reads this and either gets their gender reflected to them OR at least is indoctrinated into trans!tamaki is another point towards me making it to heaven. if i was going through this list by favorites, this definitely holds the number one spot.

3. blunt not the heart

the magnus archives + 11.3k. OH MY GOD. this is my UNDERRATED GEM. my white fucking whale. i am SO MAD that this has received DUST considering my another tma fic has 700~ kudos. SO MAD. i really really like melanie king as a character. outside of the feminism of it all, its really fucking hard to write an effective character study. getting into a characters head is difficult. you know what would make it easier? NOT WRITING IT IN SCRIPT FORMAT LOL. but heres the thing: i made it fucking work. the fact that tma is an audio drama/script format already definitely lends itself easier to translation, but it was an interesting exercise to try and get into melanies head while still maintaining the format. and tying it into macbeth? inspired choice, past me! while its not more popular unfortunately, im still insanely proud of it, and the attention it did get is personally satisfying. please read it!

4. Feel Your Way Home

artemis fowl + 12.6k. ah.. my artemis fowl magnum opus.. i still care for that silly little guy a whole lot, but at this point i will say that my artemis fowl obsession was bright, but fleeting. im really really glad i managed to write this before i fell out of it, and even more so I GOT IT PUBLISHED ON THE 20TH ANNIVERSARY!! thats something i am weirdly very proud of. i worked really hard on this for several long months, and i think it turned out very very well. this is one where i really dont care how much attention its gotten for not, as it was very much written for myself. and im pleased with it.

5. name your courage now

ace attorney + 11.8k. my newest one! probably still have a serious case of rose-tinted glasses on, but idc. i love maya and her relationships to her siblings a whole lot. i found her dialouge during her testimony just so insanely ripe for potential, i was shocked nobody else had ever seemed to talk about it. i have so many feelings about bridge to the turnabout! frankly, the entire time i knew what i wanted to do with this story, and i feel as if i pulled it off really effectivly. keeping it emotional while also utilizing aspects of mayas brash, funny voice for the narration was a challenge i enjoyed. that, and trying to use the canon dialouge for the most part, while also attempting to speed it up/make it sound less like it came out of a video game. again, im proud of it, and heres to hoping that it'll get more attention.

thats it! im not big on tagging ppl but if you wanna do this by all means, please tag me so i can read your stuff °˖✧◝(￣▽￣)◜✧˖°

[illfoandillfie]

ok sorry but how many people do yall think rog has ever slept with cos i’m guessing four figures no lie

okay, i don’t normally respond to messages like this because, frankly, i dont really feel like its my place to speculate on roger’s sex life. Theres a difference between writing a fiction story with a character named after and inspired by him and discussing his actual personal life which i have no real knowledge about. What he gets up to in his free time is between him and the women he does it with. but i didn’t really feel able to ignore this one. please don’t take this as me telling you off or shutting you down or anything like that. If you want to speculate about roger’s body count thats up to you, go nuts with it. and i love when you guys message me and I don’t want to discourage you from feeling like you can talk to me or just send me your random thoughts or whatever about any subject. But I feel like I need to address why I disagree with this sentiment. Also so I can ask ya’ll to please stop asking me questions like this. 

So firstly, just to get this out of the way. 1000 is a lot. even 100 is a lot. I think if rog had slept with 1000+ people he’d have a least a few illegitimate kids and probably would have been checked into rehab for sex addiction (not to mention STIs and such because lbr people in the 70s specifically probs werent the most careful especially if drugs were involved). I mean even if we were going to say Rog got lucky with a different woman after every show we wouldn’t reach 1000. According to google, Queen played around 700 shows in their entire career. If we add shows played by The Cross thats only another 67 odd shows (according to wikipedia). 

now, i think there are 3 things that contribute to this idea of roger as especially promiscuous. 1. His attitude/demeanour/general way he sells himself. 2. the generally held conceptions about rock stars and rock star behaviour. and 3. what i’m going to call fandom dumbassery (but i mean that with a lot of love) 

So lets start with the man himself. Roger Taylor is loud and opinionated and not particularly humble. He knows he’s talented and attractive though for at least some time he was a little self-conscious about how feminine he looked. He’s always up for a laugh, likes to party and has admitted to enjoying his drink and his women. He’s had kids with two different women, who’s relationships “overlapped”, and is currently married to a third. At least that’s the perception we can gleam from his interviews, behind the scenes videos, and other public appearances. 

It’s easy to see how that image leads to accusations of being a womaniser and a cheater and basically a bit of a slut lmao. But here’s the thing. I think Roger, in part, markets himself that way. The thing is, if you look at his solo songs and the relationships he currently has with his kids and their mothers, and things other people have said about him/his relationships over the years, I think it’s fair to say he also has a bit of a romantic streak maybe? idk if thats the best way of describing it...he’s self confessed to not being a fan of marriage and the like but he’s not opposed to writing and singing love songs and seems to believe in ~love~ as a concept/power. He certainly cares deeply for those closest to him. Whether or not that translates to an agreement with monogamy I can’t say for certain. It’s hard to draw conclusions here because a lot of what we know of his personal life was fed to us through magazines and news paper gossip column articles and they were never looking for the truth, they were looking for scandal and sensationalism. 

For instance the whole thing with the overlapping relationships. I think most people who have read anything about roger and dom and debbie realise that it’s not as cut and dry as “he was cheating with debbie and left dom for her” even though that was the story being sold by the press at the time. The reality (or at least the version closer to reality since obviously no one outside of them and whoever they were closest with knows all the nitty gritty details) is that rog and dom had already split when they got married. it was a marriage of convenience to make sure her and the kids would be looked after financially etc even after he’d moved out. So while it looked to the public like he married one chick and 30 odd days later was spotted with another, there really wasn’t anything untoward happening.  I’m not saying he never had casual hookups or one night stands and i’m not saying he never cheated, but I do think some of it’s been exaggerated, whether by him to encourage the rock star perception or by newspaper/magazine articles.

Now, obviously, we have stories of rog, particularly in the late 60s and into the 70s, being with multiple women. There’s that bit in the Interview with a Queen “Groupie” (which is a fantastic read and i defs recommend checking it out if you havent already) where she talks about roger being a chick magnet and says that, at the time, it was pretty common to sleep about. But, she also says she didnt notice him doing it more or less than anyone else and seemed to mostly be with Jo (his girlfriend at the time). This is the same Jo that got a mention in the Queen in 3D book (”i think we all had the feeling that these two were together for life, but it was not to be”). Conversely, we have that quote (which i cannot find rn but i’ll link it when i do) about roger sometimes having one girl upstairs while another waited in the garage for them to be finished. I think it was about Rog in the mid-late 60s in Truro but whatever. Obviously he wasn’t anywhere near celibate and it’s likely was sleeping with people outside of his relationship(s). But one has to assume that as he got older those kinds of antics stopped happening, at least as frequently.

There is one potential story that I remember reading somewhere along the way about Roger cheating on Debbie while she was pregnant. But, take that with a grain of salt because I can’t find the article again and also I think it was from like The Sun or something equally as rubbish. The press was notoriously always printing mean shit about the boys and that might have been another thing they published to create scandal. Even so, if we assume it’s legit that is still only 1 story. Not to throw him under the bus but Brian is the one with multiple confirmed affairs, who literally wrote songs about it all. So why is Roger the one with sleazy reputation? 

This is where my second and third points come in. There is a pervasive idea about what it means to be a rock star. The whole trashing hotel rooms, sleeping with groupies, passing out drunk every night thing. And I’m sure that Queen was like that to an extent. I think it’s pretty common knowledge that all of them got up to shit on the road. Between innuendo laden interviews and songs, videos and accounts of their parties, stories CT has put online, and other stories like the one of Roger bringing out lines of coke as dessert when he was having dinner with motley crue. They definitely embraced the rock and roll lifestyle. And I think with Roger’s personality being what it is, it’s easy to link him to those traditional rock star tropes and say it was all true all the time. I also think Roger has done nothing to counter those beliefs. He’s been open about how he wanted to be a rock star since the minute he picked up a guitar, he’s labelled himself as a great lay in magazines, he’s joked about girls pulling their tits out over dinner in interviews (though he said he didnt take her home), he’s written songs like One Night Stand and Dirty Mind and Airheads which explicitly mention his preference for women and alcohol. I think it’s fair to say he’s kind of encouraged that view of himself. Whether it was just a side effect of being part of such a well known band and having such a boisterous demeanour/personality, or whether it was intentional as a version of promotion i don’t know. maybe a mix of them? I mean I’m sure it didn’t hurt sales and stuff. it’s the whole guys want to be him, girls want to be with him thing, right? Maybe that’s just me being cynical though lmao. 

Anyway, the fandom brain has taken all of that and compressed it into memes and jokes about rog being the band slut. Which i’m not complaining about, lord knows i’ve made the same jokes and reblogged the same posts and used those tropes in my fics. They’re funny and lend themselves to interesting fic concepts. Plus, i think roger is the sort of person who would probably laugh about most of it. But it’s an idea that keeps feeding into itself through fandom, perpetuating what is probably a misguided view of his personal life.

Again, I am sure he’s had his fair share of fun and I’m not trying to make out that he was always perfect or whatever, but I don’t think he’s been with as many women as the popular discourse would imply and I certainly don’t think he’s in the 4 digit numbers. 

[violentviolette]

tagged by @angelxcomplex and @infernalhedonist thank u both ur too sweet

Nickname: i have a lot but honestly most ppl just call me my name lol its short enough

Gender: nb trans man

Starsign: pisces sun, cancer mood, sag rising

Height: 5′2

Time: like 5pm ish

Birthday: feb 24th

Favorite Bands: the used, p!atd, atreyu, a7x, so so many others lol

Favorite Single Artists: hozier, halsey, au/ra, janelle monae

Song Stuck In My Head: nothing cause im currently listening to music but jesus of suburbia by green day is whats playing rn

Last Movie: repo! the genetic opera because what else do u do on halloween when ur 30 and theres a global pandemic than sit on discord with ur friends and watch people be violently dismembered in a goth opera thats so 2000s it would be painful if it didnt absolutely fuck so hard

Last Show: kipo!! go watch kipo!! its so good and wholesome. definitly a feel good palette cleanser if ur just looking for something thats easy fun

When Did I Create This Blog: oof. like 2011?? i think?? will introduced me to tumblr in college so u have aer to thank for this lol

What do I post: whatever my dysfunctional little brain wants to that day

Last Thing I Googled: genshin impact elements because ziv and i couldnt remember if anemo was the wind element because were just dumb gays lmfaoo

Other blogs:

@violetteviolence <- main blog

@thesirenofbelial <- aestetic blog

@kingkacchan <- boku no hero academia blog

@cardiaccannibal <- porn blog that i cant link cause tumblr has me in horny purgatory. 21+ only, children and ryo do not interact

Do I get asks: i do! u guys are like highkey always really good about sending me stuff and i greatly appreciate it lol i do not deserve the attention yall give me but my npd’s gonna swim in it like scrooge mcduck anyway

Why I Chose My URL: im an absolute slut for alliteration, and since my main is violetteviolence i wanted this to match it and keep the same vibe. when i say my entire life is about aesthetics im not kidding lol

Following: 700 and change lol but i haven’t purged them in a while at least 200 of those blogs are def inactive

Followers: 2.3k

Average Length In Sleep: 5 is the best and what i get when im level but if im manic its 2 and if im depressed its like 12+

Lucky Number: 14

What Am I Wearing: black sweatpants and a tank which like if i was a cartoon character this would absolutely be my 1 outfit lol no socks tho that parts important

Instruments: i used to be able to play the flute but then i decided to stick a bunch of metal into my mouth and now i cant anymore lol

Dream Job: absolutely fucking nothing. leave me alone

Dream Trip: literally anywhere. i love to go places and see new stuff and im equally as enthusiastic about all of it. except france. fuck france

Favorite Food: salmon sushi comes in pretty high on the list tbh

Nationality: unfortunately american

Favorite Song: i can never pick favorites of all time so the song ive been listening to the most recenty is in all my dreams i drown from the devils carnival. also neverland by ruth b and crush by tessa violet. no one make fun of me for how transparent that last one is i will skin u

Last Book Read: oh i could not tell u. genuinely. i read fic all the time so if im reading its one of those. im curently obsessed with this ongoing bakushin hurt/comfort fic that is so good and juicy and it puts out chapters weekly and when i tell u ive been more excited for these updates than the actual fucking manga lmfaoo

Top Three Fictional Universes: ghibli, kingdom hearts, soul eater

not tagging 20 people cause thats Too Many but @captainkiwitheboobian @lmitations @abyssalsun @coffin-bird @retrospecter @therobinair @donkerkonger @twerkingyaowang and @jigokuzoshi i know u dont sully ur prestine blog with such things as tag games but idc i miss u so ur getting the ping

[baby-prophet]

17 questions 17 people

i got tagged by @puwumats (you tagged my main trompe lol)

Nickname: allie/alligator/ my mom called me owl-ie for a while AFTER my obsession with owls was long over lol

Zodiac: pisces ☀️ aries🌛sagittarius ⬆️

Height: 5'2"??? 

Hogwarts House: i dont go here and jk rowling can go to hell

Last thing I googled: how to cartwheel when youre too scared to lol

Song stuck in my head: theres a new sound its the sound thats made by worms  

Number of followers: somewhere between one and a Million (around 700)

Amount of sleep: usually like 8 hours of mediocre sleep (although I only got 4 last night :-/

Lucky number: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm idk if i have one..... i like the # 3 

Dream job: (f)artist

Wearing: its 4pm and im still in my pjs lol

Favourite song: i dont like picking favorites lol so heres a few songs ive been obsessed with lately x x x x

Favourite instrument: bass guitar, cello and the weirds ones like theramin and that marble machine or the "chopstick” piano

Aesthetic: eclectic fashion I wear pretty much anything from cowboy boots to platform crocs to old lady shirts to what I call my gothic pirate dance pants and everything in between. i love weird clothes and 50% of my clothes have at least a little bit of paint on them. love maximalism for interior design aesthetic, the crazier the better 

Favourite author: hmm... i think italo calvino and muriel barbery but i dont read that much :/

Favourite animal noise: ahhhhh theres so many!!!!!!!!!! love whales and all cat noises also watching weird bird sound videos made me cry bc theyre so cool lol i love animals

Random: I’m obsessed with bugs (mostly beetles and cicadas) and leaf camouflaged animals drive me insane (in a good way) and I think too much i think

i tag @nucleosynthetic @eurekq @the-golden-trash-can-tm @fangirlsftw @snakekarina @squidne @benwyattslowcalcalzonezone  and anyone else that would want to do this lol

[agentoperationblackout]

Part two of an archive of a conversation between three EPF agents.

721: so… if you don’t mind me asking………

053: pfft its no problem dw

053: obviously i wont tell you exactly who they are cause even if im wrong thats gonna possibly endanger them

053: but like… you know how our usernames have numbers and stuff?

053: they used to correspond to when you joined

053: like thats why REALLY old agents have lower numbers, like me!

053: like agent d for example, shes been working here for a super long time right?

053: ive talked to her before, her number is in the 20s

053: to put things in perspective, jpg is in the 60s

053: and im obviously 053

721: woahhhh

721: wait but there’s no way theres over 700 agents, i feel like things would be really different if that were the case

053: yeah! like i said this was the old system

053: once they migrated to the epf they obviously lost a lot of info from the psa

053: which included the system and how they regulated this to make it automatic

053: at that point with everything else that was going on, g probably just gave up on what was effectively an organizational system

053: there were bigger issues to deal with as you could imagine

053: so now you just get randomly assigned a number thats not in use

053: which means you could get agents who just joined after the popcorn explosion who are number like 998 or somethin

053: and also have agents who just joined before the blackout have like 012 just because the original holder of that number retired or somethin

053: just to name a few examples

721: woah…

721: okay that’s all super cool but what does it have to do with who The Agent is?

053: im getting to that

053: youve read the reports right?

053: i dunno if those are mandatory to read or anything since obviously they didnt exist when i first became an agent

721: wait which reports

721: sorry there’s kind of a lot

053: oh sorry yeah

053: the missions having to do with herbert

053: like when he tried to chop down the ski ledge

053: or when he dug all those holes under club penguin

053: they arent special clearance i dont think but im not sure

721: i think some are since when i’ve read through them there’s always gaps

053: oooo yeah

053: i actually have special clearance since ive worked here so long

053: doesnt really matter anyway though since i lived through most of it

053: but like one detail i always noticed about the reports is that they always omitted the name of the agent doing those missions

053: i know the way our agency works

053: they would have assigned the same agent to deal with herbert pretty much every time

053: cause like

053: that way they wouldnt have to reexplain things to the new agent

053: plus that agent would already know how herbert works and could figure him out better

053: now, i dont know if they were gonna do it anyway, it was some error, or if the agent in question requested their identity be omitted in the reports

053: but im SUUUPER leaning towards the agent in question requesting their identity being omitted

053: since im pretty sure that The Agent is the one who’s dealt with herbert for so long already

721: wait you’ve lost me sorry

053: no its alright!

721: why do you think that The Agent is the same agent who was in the missions with herbert? Sorry

053: no its fine! i should have made that clear eheh

053: so like, think about what we know about The Agent

053: what comes to mind?

721: uhh…

721: they were close with the director, they’d have to be really high up for the director to trust them with that chat client thingy they were using

721: especially since they said that thing about assuming control of the epf, also they knew for sure before the rest of us the director had been taken

721: they seemed pretty insistent on people not knowing their identity, don’t know why that would be though

721: from what i can tell they know herbert and how he operates pretty well

721: also overall they seemed to really know what they were doing and the protocol and stuff

721: oh yeah they mentioned they knew some high up agent that was captured but that might just be the director

721: then again if that were the case they probably would have just said “the director”

721: from the way they talk they clearly value the epf and our island above anything else, even more so than most agents do

721: that’s… that’s about it honestly

053: mhm i came to the same conclusions about them

053: now, and this might be a bit harder,

053: think about what we know about the agent who faced herbert so many times

053: and also what kind of penguin would they probably be

721: hmmm

721: they’d have to be pretty good at thinking on the fly

721: and if i remember right from some of the reports, they had a rather unorthodox way of solving problems?

053: indeed

053: they’d do some of the most irrational things and always end up on top

721: jet pack guy must’ve hated it

053: oh he did dont worry

721: okay also uh…

721: they’d have to be pretty smart i guess? or just know herbert really well in general if they were able to beat him so many times

721: hmm…

721: i don’t remember the details of the missions so well off the top of my head i’m sorry

053: nah its understandable!! you newer agents must get really overwhelmed with just how much stuff you have to read through

721: yeah…

053: but yeah youre pretty much right

053: and looking at it it just… makes sense?

053: like forgive me i know i sound like a conspiracy theorist but it just all fits together so nicely if the agent is also the same agent who just went against herbert so much 053: i forget where i was going with this

053: i am so sorry give me a minute let me read back what started this

721: omg it’s fine!! this is all so interesting :O

721: also it’s nice to see you so excited about something!!!

053: eheh im glad you think so!

053: awww sappy

053: what can i say, this has always been just what im interested in

053: its just been such a nice reliable constant thing, its nice

053: i mean, ive told you why i joined, havent i?

721: yeah and i still wanna hug you for that

721: you didnt deserve that crap

053: eheh…

053: thanks…

053: but yeah its just

053: i guess im doing what an agent should never do

053: but it’s just what seems and feels right?

053: i think ive said before but im a big believer in cosmic fate and destiny and things like that

053: so i dunno

053: i guess it’s just a nice idea that the same agent who first met him could still be fighting against him now

053: especially in a time like this

053: if i have nothing else to hope for, i wanna hang onto this

053: i believe in the agent. i really do

053: gah, im sorry, im really rambling now arent i!!!

053: i didnt mean to go on such a tangent whoops

721: :00000 no it’s really okay!!!!!

721: like i said it’s really nice seeing you be passionate about stuff really anything

721: i’m sorry if this comes across as rude or anything but you just… always seem so distant i guess

721: i always worry about you, but… kat said this was just how you were and that i shouldn’t worry…

721: but i always did anyway

721: so i really am glad to see you enjoying yourself like this

053: aww, thank you

[taegerous]

Please read

Yes, another please read, and yes, it’s probably going to be about the same thing, but i need o get this out of my chest.

I don’t care if you’re going to say im selfish, if you think im needy or im here for the attention. I just need to say this because its becoming a problem for me.

I get a bunch of requests, right now, i have 109 requests and three series going on. I try to do my best, whenever i have free time, i work on a few requests or an update to my series. I know I haven’t been as active as i was at the beginning, thats due to a few writers block and also college, but im trying my best to get on track.

As i said, i get a bunch of requests and I try to do my best. I read them whenever i have free time, to see if inspiration strikes. I think them over in order to get the best texts posible, whether its humor, angst or fluff. I do try my best to make different content and don’t stick to the topics, and make them as realistic as posible. If you ask me, i think i put a lot of work on this blog and i do it, not only to please you and give you the best content, but also because i love writing. This is a big opportunity and i enjoy it as much as I can, but sometimes it gets to me.

Here comes the important part, you can call it your roll i guess. I know some of you are not keen on rebloggin, commenting or just giving a like. I also know you won’t like or enjoy every single one of my texts, and i think, every single creator is tired of saying this but please, ffs if you read something and you enjoy it, give it a fucking like.

Its not even about the number anymore, it’s about “science”.

I get it, i have enough likes as it is, but do i?. I got a few asks and messages asking me how many follwers i had, because my work was good but i was underrated. When i said i had 10k, everyone was shook bc my notes are not relative to the amount of followers i have.

Again, its not about numbers, it’s about motivation. I work alot based on people reaction and i get self concious over my work pretty easily. When i see my texts are getting only a few likes, i feel like I didn’t do good enough. Im always thinking that i did bad bc if of 700 people who can read my texts, only 100 like it, i feel like I didn’t do good enough for you.

I know this is annoying and it probably makes me look like a selfish person but i promise im not. Im just soooo tired of working sooooo fucking hard and not getting what I deserve or what i think I deserve.

Maybe im wrong and I not as good as i think i am, or I don’t even know anymore. im just idk, asking you to please, if you ever like something, enjoy reading it, like it. You don’t even have to comment or reblog, just like it.

But not only for my blog, for every single content creator blog, because theres times when you don’t mind, because you enjoy it and you’re also doing it for you. But most of the time, it does matter. And i know its wrong and we shouldn’t subject our feelings or work to people’s opinions or likes but its how it is. Because we are stupid and we were made like this, we need people’s approval to feel proud or good about or work, so please, keep that in mind.

I hope this doesn’t make you have a wronged idea of who am i, or why do i write. I do it for pure passion and love, for writing, creating and the fandom i write for, i just some times need an extra push to feel motivated and compensated for my work.

If you made it to the end of this, thank you.

[sinsfox]

SHIPPING INFO !! ANSWER THE FOLLOWING FOR YOUR MUSE SO PEOPLE KNOW HOW SHIPPING WORKS ON YOUR BLOG.

WHAT IS YOUR OTP FOR YOUR CHARACTER(S)?:

ban/elaine ban/elaine ban/elaine ban/elaine

WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO WRITE WHEN IT COMES TO SHIPPING?:

everything ! honestly. im okay with writing everything.

HOW LARGE DOES THE AGE GAP HAVE TO BE TO MAKE IT UNCOMFORTABLE?:

because ban is immortal, he doesnt particularly give two shits about age gaps if its another immortal or creature with a long long life span ( like elaine being a fairy and bein 700+ years ). hes comfortable with the idea of dating someone around the age he became immortal ( which is ~23 ) but hes not going to go younger than that. hed never look at someone younger than him and want to date them. thats just weird. thats a little sibling to him.

ARE YOU SELECTIVE WHEN SHIPPING?:

oh yeah of course i am! ban wants to be with whoever he wants to be with and its difficult in his main verse because his heart belongs to elaine! but in au verses for him, hes okay to mingle with but its difficult to get him to trust and fall in love because hes just been fucked over too many times :( that and theres certain muses i wont ship him with but anything is game if i can see it working yknow?

HOW FAR DO STEAMY MOMENTS HAVE TO GO BEFORE THEY ARE CONSIDERED NS/FW?:

heated kissing and heavy touching. anything past that gets considered nsfw in my eyes because then it becomes something you wouldnt personally do in public so like... yknow.

WHO ARE THE CHARACTERS YOU SHIP YOUR CHARACTER(S) WITH?:

in bans canon? elaine, 1000%.

in aus? depends. i havent gotten the chance to really work on ships in bans au verses! though... ( i look at linnea’s belial ) ahe

DOES ONE HAVE TO ASK TO SHIP WITH YOU?:

please! please ask bc chances are i would like to ship with you too! just understand that sometimes my muse wont want to pursue a romance or ship, and that i, myself, wont ship ban with certain characters but yes please ask!!

HOW OFTEN DO YOU LIKE TO SHIP?:

not often!! and thats more or less bc ban is happy with elaine in his canon but... i like the idea of working with other ships and the like outside of bans canon yknow?

ARE YOU SHIP OBSESSED OR SHIP MORE - OR - LESS?:

ahehhahehah even if it isnt ban im constantly thinkin about ships

ARE YOU MULTISHIP?:

absolutely! though im selective and also exclusive wrt ships so keep that in mind!

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SHIP IN YOUR CURRENT FANDOM?:

see this is difficult bc im in many many different fandoms but for ban its ban/elaine.

for eve, its nineseve and also believe........

FINALLY, HOW DOES ONE SHIP WITH YOU?:

write with me! be friends with me! talk to me!!! those are big things! bc then maybe we can plot abt a ship........ and things go from there!

TAGGED BY: @hoshigaru​ thank you! TAGGING: im not taggin anyone but hey if you wanna do this, go ahead!

[scummy-writes]

Hi! I didn't know who to talk to about this, but since you're one of the people in the fandom I look up to, I figured I should gather my courage and send this ask. As a writer, how do you deal with people's underwhelming response? Very few likes, just one or two reblogs, no respect or acknowledgement unless you open requests... It's breaking my heart at this point and I don't know what to do.

a…aaaa.. I can’t believe someone looks up to me. 

I’m sorry if this post is kind of all over the place. I kinda jump around with topics a lot.

Well, first off, I’m not going to lie- usually, I feel a bit hurt. It always hurts writing fics/drabbles/hcs and never seeing any response, or just very very little response. I often don’t write fluff or more serious topics because I know that those themes are always going to be overlooked for my smut instead. And if you’re a minor, writing smut is a no-go, which makes trying to gain traction or readers even more difficult.

There have been several times where I’ve barely gotten any notes on stuff I’ve poured a lot of time into. I’ve even written an off-anon request before only to have the person who requested it not even like/reblog it, or make any sort of comment. I’ve been there, we’ve all been there, and it’s tough to climb back up. 

I’m not sure how long you’ve been following me, but there was a point where my normal note count for hcs dropped from 700 notes down to 20-60 notes if I was lucky, just depending on what I was writing about. In fact, I even left the blog due to some bullying I was enduring and the combination of barely getting a note count that I had considered ‘good’. Since I’ve came back, I’ve focused on what made me happy, and even though I still have the knee-jerk reaction, I’ve learned not to try and compare notes. Ultimately, it’s made me happy, though I might have a bit of ‘survivor bias’ going on since I’ve been collecting readers since the start of 2017. 

I have a few things that help me out, and one of them is learning to appreciate the notes I do have.

For example, even though its just been a day, I only have about 29 notes on my recent yooran drabble. Thats not including my own reblogs, and then if I were to not include friend reblogs, it’d be about 27 or 26. That’s incredibly low for me, personally, because if I post up a fic (depending on the character and theme) I can get around 80-100 notes depending on how lucky I am.

(Now thats not me trying to tell you 30ish notes isn’t a lot, because it is!! It is a lot and if you ever get that many notes on a post you should feel proud of it! But, if you’re me and you’ve been here for a while, that’s low compared to other posts of mine. Please keep reading so I can explain more: )

If this was back to last year, when I was contemplating leaving my blog, that would have hurt me a lot more than it does today, because I was constantly in a loop of comparing notes with my other posts or even my friends posts. I had convinced myself that notes = quality, when that’s not the case at all. Believe it or not, just because a post has 5 notes, or 1 note, or even 0 notes, doesn’t mean whatever content on it is terribly written, or shoddy, or dumb. There have been wonderful hc posts, wonderful pictures of art that I have seen that have barely gotten 10 notes. 

So I think one thing that is hard to get yourself to learn is that a lack of notes doesn’t mean what you are producing is bad. Learning this is hard, and it’s especially hard when you’re constantly discouraged by lack of notes, but you need to write for yourself first and foremost. I haven’t been writing publicly for long, in fact I think the first fanfics I published were in 2016, but I had been writing since middle school. I used to carry a worn down composition notebook and write the most absolutely cringiest fanfiction ever. It had self inserts, it had ocs that were children of me and my favorites, it had terrible, terrible, references to games/music I loved as a kid- but no one read it but me. I never posted it online, and I wrote it to make me happy- and cringy middle school me was super fucking happy with that story. I’m pretty sure I was working through a second compositon notebook before I moved on from the show I was writing about. 

From that point on, I knew I liked writing. I joined writing classes, wrote cringy fiction for my english teachers to read (good fucking god bless my teachers for putting up with my terrible shit but still encouraging me).  

Eventually, since I liked writing so much and my drawing skills declined, I ended up promising to write stories for my friends birthdays. Where one person would be reading it, besides me, and that’s how it was until I posted my first MM fic on AO3. Even with those first few fics, I feel like it’s unfair to count them now, because they were posted just a few months after the game released, I believe, and I honestly just really consider myself lucky that those first two mm fics of mine got the traction they did.

But I think because I was so used to writing to make myself happy, it really fucked me up when I started trying on focusing my writing on only making others happy instead of myself. 

So, a lot of newer folks might not know this, since I’m assuming a lot of people think this is just a pretty photo queue blog with occasional posts, but I started off writing Hcs on here. At first, I don’t think they got a huge traction, but as I slowly got more followers, I got more notes and requests. But eventually it got extremely taxing to keep those up, because what I had wanted was to make others happy with them, but it’s hard to believe you’re doing a good job when you drop from 700 to 20-60 notes. And so I stressed a lot to the point of ‘leaving’ (but as you can see that ended up just being a few month hiatus), but one thing was that I was forced to acknowledge how bad my viewpoint was on the whole situation. I had lost the motivation of writing for myself to make me happy, and instead tried to treat myself as a writing machine only meant to make others happy. That’s not a healthy viewpoint when it comes to writing, especially if you’re doing this as a hobby.

Because of all that, I stopped writing hc posts and focused on fics, because writing fanfics made me happy. It still makes me happy, and because I kept on truckin and still posting, I’m accomplishing things I never thought I would accomplish. 

Writing for success is a long, hard, road that will often leave you unsatisfied, but writing for yourself is a shorter road that will make you happy- even if it’s just venting away emotions you couldn’t let out in any other way.

If it helps you out any, because I’m unsure if I’m making any sense, some pieces that I’m super happy about are pieces that no one but me and maybe one other person has seen. They’re locked away as drafts or in folders and I’m even unsure if I’ll share some of them.

Besides all of the stuff I’ve mentioned, if I’m feeling bad and what I just told you isn’t helping me, sometimes I just talk to a friend or two. Just hearing someone in real time, even if it’s possibly extremely bias or something, tell me that they like my stories or they think my writing is good- that still means a lot to me, and sometimes it perks me up. If that’s not an option with you, you can always talk to your family as well, or old teachers you may have shown some of your work to. I’m very fortunate to have a few teachers willing to help me out with a few questions, even though I’ve…long since graduated orz.

I’m sorry if none of this helps. But if anything, please please don’t give up writing. If you choose to do something like that, please have it be 100% your own decision that isn’t influenced by a note or hit count. I’m positive that whatever you are writing is good, and I know that not seeing that note count get higher hurts, but that note count has absolutely no bearing on how well written your story is.

If theres anything else I can talk to you about, please feel free to send me some more questions, and again I am really sorry if this didn’t help you.