#THE TEA GOES IN THE PISS BOWL

[roboticchibitan]

I have received hate mail today T_T

I get an email every day from USPS that tells me what mail I'm getting today and whether I have any incoming packages. And for like a week there's been this international package fucking HAUNTING me because what if it's the toilet teapot.

Well

T_T

It was T_T

WHO DID THIS!?!? THE NOTE SAYS "FROM YOUR BESTIE XOXO" NOT ANYMORE BESTIE PRIVILEGES REVOKED. THIS IS A HATE CRIME AGAINST ME SPECIFICALLY. YOU'RE ALL BANNED. GROUNDED. DISOWNED. FIRED. DIVORCED. BANISHED FOR ALL ETERNITY. GET OFF MY PORCH AND TAKE THIS MONSTROSITY WITH YOU

My gf took a four minute video of me opening it and I spent 75% of it groaning loudly while my gf laughs at me from behind the camera. My gf's pixel apparently films in super high definition because the video file was way too big to upload to tumblr directly so here it is on youtube (this video is unlisted and only available via link so idk if it'll work here but here's a try)

*I do know the UK uses pounds, not euros, but I was understandably so incensed by the fucking toilet teapot arriving on my doorstep that I mixed them up, apologies to all the Europeans. My tiny American brain can only keep track of so much when faced with toilet teapot in the flesh

**Sorry about the lack of captions. I would've made actual captions but I've never uploaded anything to youtube before and in the little uploader thing the add captions button was greyed out. Idk why. Sorry about that.

[v1x3n]

COD MEN AND THEIR FIRST DATE WITH YOU

SIMON 'GHOST' RILEY — your first actual date would be at his, he has set his living room up in soft blankets and the coffee table cluttered in snacks and fizzy drinks. the lights turned off as he guides you to the couch, the tv turned on and your favorite movie paused. he mumbles something about wanting to make you feel better after you had a shitty week. a smile grows on your mouth as you settle into the sofa, watching your favorite film. his attention isnt much on the movie, his eyes linger on your glowing smile, and he thinks to himself; fuck, youre so pretty right now. after the film, he orders take away and you two chatter, putting on a random series for backround noise. soon it gets very late and you leave his house, fed and happy. but before you leave he receives a kiss on the cheek and a very happy thank you.

JOHNNY 'SOAP' MCTAVISH — he definitely does something wacky, but makes sure you likes it ofc. his ideal first date would be bowling maybe something along that line. at the start he goes easy on you, purposely missing some of the pins or throwing the ball weakly. but after a bit maybeee he gets a little competitive, striking all the pins st once - earning a gasp from you. ofc you aren't going to be as good as him but you still try and he can see that. when you ended up getting all of the pins, you spin around as he smirks at you and gives you a cheeky well done. in the end, he won, obviously. you almost passed him though! heading to Nando's after, you two yap the entire time until finishing your meals. he obviously goes with something hot to impress you, but when his lips go bright red and he curses, grabbing his coke and chugging the whole thing - you burst out laughing. you give his swollen lips a peck when he drives you home.

KYLE 'GAZ' GARRICK — takes you too a bar, buys a few drinks for the two of you. not enough to get you pissed but enough to get you a little tipsy. chattering and giggling between the two of yous while you order some chips and a burger. its quite casual, but the both of you like it like that. you told him he didn't need to take you somewhere proper and fancy, the local pub - well maybe a nicer pub - would do. after he walks you home, yapping together and soft smiles while you slightly shiver in the cold air. noticing the hairs on your arms rising and the hitch in your breath when a gust of freezing air blows past the two of you. he snorts and takes his jacket off, laying it over your shoulders when he grumbles a quick, 'ere'. when you get to your house, he brings his arms up and down yours, warming you up the slightest. after kissing the top of your head - you kiss the corner of his mouth. then your two mouths connect in a small peck, blushing instantly. he silently cheers himself on once your door shuts in his face - celebrating that he just kissed a gorgeous girl.

JOHN PRICE — always listens to everything you ever say, you mention you like this one restaurant? oh? its your favourite? hes taking you there. you smile up at him when he drives you to the familiar parking lot, telling him you love this place! his cheery smile when you two go inside and sits opposite you. ordering off the menu and giving you subtle looks when your eyes scan through the familiar menu. he orders for you when the waiter comes over and your cheeks slightly blush at that. he speaks up that your outfit is gorgeous and tells you that your hair looks so nice, your blush creeps across your cheeks. face heating up as you see his gaze travel to the smile that plasters onto your face. once you have tea, he makes sure to take you somewhere else after - make a night outa it. he takes you to walk down the beach after, the moonlight shining off of your face as you two talk about the most randomist of things. he spoke about his job, and you told him about yours. nearing the end you two walk back up to the car, and he drives you home. before you leave you peck him on the cheek to thank him for the date, telling him you hoped the second date could come soon. john watches you walk down your front garden - unlocking the door. making sure you get in okay. dreaming about the second date.

PHILLIP GRAVES — took you to the cinema, you had mentioned that you wanted to see this film... so here you are. he had bought you the nice chairs, the ones that had extra cup holders and the fabric was more comfortable. you reminded him it was okay and he didn't haf too but he didn't listen obviously. once you got there he instantly moved the armrest between yous up so you two could be closer! he buys you sweets and popcorn from a local shop, as many as you want he told you. with a carrier bag full of just utter shit, you two enjoy the movie he picked. well, you enjoy it - his eyes are mainly on you, the twitches in your face when something sad or happy happens and the way you struggle to sit in a position were all so cute to him. throughout the movie he tries to gain enough courage to wrap his arms around your waist or at least his shoulders. yeah he was normally a confident guy but something about you just made him all fluttery and nervous. once successfully wrapping his arm around your waist, you snuggle towards him and embrace his warmth. he smiles at that. spilt popcorn on the floor and the movie credits roll, you both stand up and snort at the mess on both your laps. wiping off the remains of the bag of popcorn, you two walk out and yap about the movie. safe to say he didn't have much input.

[spiderdetentionaire]

Mastermind Aftermath (ft. Lilith)

Charlie was watching TV with her mom when suddenly they show a summary of the trial.

Charlie: Oh shit.

Lilith: If your father sees this…

Lucifer arrives with a bowl of popcorn.

Lucifer: Hi my loves, what are you watching?

When he sees the summary on TV he drops the bowl to the floor. And although he seemed to be smiling, he was actually very pissed off with his horns visible.

Charlie: Dad?

Lucifer: I'm sorry but I have to take care of some things to do.

And without further ado he disappears.

An hour later. Vaggie turns on the TV and…

Vaggie: Puta madre!

Everyone is going to see the gossip.

666 News: Breaking news! Lucifer beats the shit out of the sins. Just like you hear it. The king of Hell made it snow in the ring of Wrath, put limits on consumption in the ring of Gluttony, put 100% discounts in the ring of Greed, applied parental control in the ring of Lust, made everyone happy with what they have in the ring of Envy and prohibited sleeping at all hours and laziness in the ring of Sloth. And now he is reportedly looking for the former prince Stolas to give him back all his power. The king of Hell was interviewed and this is what he said.

Lucifer: It's just not fair. I'm helping in my daughter's project, and these people are causing a mess with a lawsuit behind my back… it's not fair.

Reporter: Will things go back to normal in the other rings after what he did?

Lucifer: Until further notice and when I say so. And no more questions. I'm looking for Stolas.

Husk: He's pissed off.

Angel: Look what it says on my phone. It says that Charlie's dad has taken control over the rings and sent the sins to a specific place until he gets over with their mess and gets over his anger.

Lilith: And where does he plan to send them?

The hotel bell rings. Niffty goes quickly and comes back quickly.

Niffty: Charlie, they're looking for you.

Charlie goes and finds her uncles and aunts all scolded and punished.

Mammon: Your dad sent us here.

Beelzebub: And he will be in control of our rings until he says so. And all because of you, Satan!

Azmodeus: As some Imps would say: You fucked up!

---

In Stella's house, she throws the remote to the T.V. breaking it after seeing the news. Needless to say, she's just as pissed off as the time she found out Stolas was cheating on her with an Imp. Right next to her is her brother.

Stella: He can't do that, right?

Andrealphus: Oh dear sister *he takes a sip of his tea* Of course he can! Is fucking Lucifer we're talking about. Didn't you see what he did to the Sins?! Of course he can return your ex his powers.

Stella: *growls in frustration* And to think that all my plans are finally coming to fruition, only for that damn dwarf to show up and ruin everything. And yes, it is Lucifer we are talking about.

Under the table, as if it were a cartoon…

Andrealphus: But what a clever and original comment.

Whatever. Stella pulls out a huge folder with many plans against Stolas to claim absolute power. Andrealphus sees the folder and is shocked to see Octavia's photo in it.

Andrealphus: Are you thinking of plotting to kill your own daughter? Would you be capable of such a thing?!

Stella: Andrealphus! What are you saying?! OF COURSE I am capable, but it's not the time yet, silly. One step at a time.

Suddenly, she closes the folder and makes it disappear into a strategic location.

Stella: There's no other option. We have to kill Stolas before His Highness gives his powers back. *she laughs evilly*

Andrealphus: Let me think in a good plan for it. But I assure you, it will be done as you wish, my hot sister.

Brother and sister laugh evilly and madly, as if they were two kookaburras, and Andrealphus turns his head back maniacally.

Stella: But now I must step into my role as a devoted mother and go see Octavia to her room and tell her to come for dinner. That girl is skin and bones.

As Stella leaves, Andrealphus sees a picture of Stolas with a malicious look.

Andrealphus: I hope you've enjoyed your pathetic Imp, Stolas. Because soon you'll be--

Stella: Andrealphus!!

The ice bird gets up from his seat and runs towards his sister's scream. When he arrives, he finds Stella standing in Octavia's bedroom doorway.

Andrealphus: What's happening?!

Stella: Octavia's gone!

The young Goetia had escaped and took everything she could with her; clothes, phone, etc. Seeing the scene, Stella becomes thoughtful until she concludes something.

Stella: Changes of plans, brother. We have to kill her, too.

---

It had been about 5 hours since Lucifer left to look for Stolas. At the Hotel Charlie does everything possible to make her uncles and aunts feel comfortable, which is not easy since they already have a state of life and comfort zone already established. And of course, there was no lack of criticism or at best certain observations about the redemption plan that she wants to impart in her Hotel and the possible failure that this can entail.

But all that is interrupted when Lucifer appears at the main door all hurt, his clothes torn and tired. Lilith takes him to their room at the Hotel to take care of his wounds, for example she cleans the wounds on one of his legs.

Lucifer: Hey hey hey it burns it burns.

Lilith: It's incredible that you, being the king of hell, a simple demon, could have done this to you.

Lucifer: Demons in plural. And if I ended up like this it's because they piled up against me.

Lilith: Well, what kind of demons were they?

Lucifer: Imps.

Lilith: *not believing it* IMPS?!

Lucifer: But with impressive forces. I don't understand how they could do this to me. As if I had done something to harm them.

Lilith: Well, maybe it was because you put them at the lowest bottom of the Hierarchy in Hell.

Lucifer: Maybe that's why, right?

Lilith: I told you that that place was meant for Sinners.

Then Mammon appears at the door.

Mammon: Dear sister-in-law, are you still going to take your time to heal the wounds of poor Luci who was attacked by some fierce Imps? *laughs* Speaking about losers, bro.

Lucifer: Laugh, you fatso. I'd like to see you face those Imps who seemed to be full of sterols.

Lilith: Why do you say that?

Lucifer: Because the poor bastards jumped so high that they would surpass Sera's height... And how do you know they were Imps?

Mammon: They are broadcasting your humiliating event on Vox TV.

Lucifer: Damn bootleg plasma TV. Not only satisfied with trying to ruin our daughter's project... I'm going to close down his business and his partners' to see if he finds it funny.

Lilith: Mammon, why don't you kindly ask Niffty to prepare you something to eat *takes out a sewing needle* while I sew it up?

Lucifer: Are you going to sew my wounds with that needle?!

Lilith: No, your pants.

Lucifer: Ahhh

Lucifer takes off his torn pants. And yes, hus underwear has printed ducklings.

Lilith: And you, Mammon, go and ask Niffty for something to eat.

Mammon: Greaaaaaat. Okay, Luci, I'm leaving because my hunger is as fierce as some dangerous Imps *laughs again and leaves*

Lucifer: Let's see if you keep laughing, knowing that I control your ring.

Lilith: Please, Luci. Don't be angry anymore.

Lucifer: And how could I not be angry after the stupid thing they did behind my back? Speaking of stupid things, what an idiot I am for not having found Stolas yet, Oh My Father. I've already checked every corner of the rings and that Goetia doesn't appear. Well...

Lilith: Well, what?

Lucifer: I checked every corner, except the Imps' zone when they attacked me. And I'm still an idiot because it is said that he is having an affair with an Imp.

Lilith: The ex-prince of the Goetia having an affair with an Imp? This has become a soap opera.

Lucifer uses his magic to dress himself in better clothes and leaves the room. In the lobby, the rest of the sins, including Alastor, did not hide their desire to laugh after seeing on television how some simple Imps attacked the king of Hell.

Lucifer: Keep laughing, you fuckers. You won't see your rings in a long time. But now I have better things to...

But when he opens the doors of the Hotel to leave again, he finds a young Goetia about to knock on the door. It seemed that the girl was crying.

Octavia: King Lucifer?

Lucifer: Umm... yes?

Octavia: I need your help.

[luv-kakashi]

One of us is dead

masterlist | chapter two

chapter one - running

Deep down, I've always been reaching for a hand. A hand to save me from drowning in this criminal underworld.

Kill. Collect money. Kill. Collect money

An endless cycle of bounty hunting, killing shinobi over and over again. The cold, unyielding leather of my seat sent shivers down my spine. A relentless echo of decisions made and paths taken, leading me to where I am right now.

Alone.

My blood-stained fingers trace the rim of the tea cup I held. Its warmth burned into my cold hands.

My hands: a constant reminder of all that I am—a cold-blooded murderer whose hands could never be cleansed of sin.

I'm sick of it. I'm tired of being called Kunoichi Thirteen, The Byakuya Princess. Being born into this world with no clear understanding of right from wrong. Killing those around me was all that I was taught.

My entire purpose was to be moulded into a perfect weapon for my father to take his revenge on the shinobi world. Revenge on those who abandoned the Uzumaki clan during their time of need when the Hidden Eddy Village was destroyed by shinobi.

Hatred and disdain poisoned the clan, who wished for the downfall of the Senju clan, and all those in Konohagakure.

Yet somewhere along the road to revenge, greed blinded their eyes.

2 years ago, I was sold to a bounty hunting organisation which goes by the name "The Byakuya". All so that my sad excuse of a father could line his pockets from my blood stained hands.

My father. The rest of my clan. They don't care that I am missing. As long as I wake up everyday and make money, they couldn't care less.

Each tick of the clock echoed in silence and with each tick the image of those I have massacred reverberated through my mind. The images of my most recent mission haunted my mind.

I had one job, an ambush mission. S-ranked Konoha ninja were commissioned to assassinate any Hidden Mist Village ninja who infiltrated the neutral area between the two Hidden Villages. Unknown to both, the neutral area was occupied The Byakuya.

My Job? Simply ambush both Konoha and Kiri ninja so that they do not discover The Byakuya headquarters and retreat.

But the Konoha nin were too stubborn for their own good.

One of them even went as far as abandoning the mission just to save his comrade from being hit from one of our assailants jutsus.

We watched as the Konoha shinobi retreated, now with one fewer among their ranks than when they began.

I don't even recognise myself. No matter how much I try to hide my actions. I'm still a killer.

But I don't want to kill anymore. I don't want to be used as a tool for revenge.

That's why I find myself in my cold and dingy room revising my plan to escape the Byakuya for good.

The clock ticked incessantly; each second felt like hammer on my nerves. It's 8.45 pm.

Most of the bounty hunters will have retired for the evening, leaving the corridors all empty. The fewer the people the eas-

"Boo! Earth to Y/N," a voice shouted down my ear, startling me from my thoughts. "Here," the man said as he placed a bowl of gray goop infront of me.

"Kakuzu?! What are you doing in my room?!"

"Eat or you'll be just bones, princess," Kakuzu said as he took a seat on my bed.

"I would rather starve than eat... that," I said as I watched the gray substance fall from the spoon like slime, "and please don't call me that Kakuzu-san."

"Still formal as ever princess. Anyways, what's got you so busy?" he asks with a hint of concern across his patchwork face.

"I think... No I will do it, I'm going to run."

"Y/N..." Kakuzu says as a sigh leaves his throat, "The Reaper will be pissed when she finds out."

"It's almost like that's the whole point," I chuckled rolling my eyes at him.

"Do you even have a plan? Where are you going to go? You don't even have any money, I swear all of your bounty money goes to your clan or something?" he rambles, his face becoming increasingly panicked.

"Do what you want Uzumaki," he scoffs.

"Awe Kakuzu-san you big softie, I know you don't mean that," I tease as I know he really wants me to be safe, "That being said, do you think I have time do one last petty thing? The byakuya has done nothing for me but rob me of my life."

"You gonna piss off The Reaper, princess? I'm listening," Kakuzu says with a shit-eating grin plastered on his face.

"You think I have time to steal some precious weapons from Leader-sama?"

"What are you thinking?"

"The Swords of the Mist. We have three, no?" I pondered.

"Mhm... They'll surely go for alot. Enough for you to get on your feet and support yourself," Kakuzu calculates, "You're becoming greedy Y/N."

"What can I say, you've rubbed off on me," I say with a chuckle...

"Kakuzu, why have you stayed in the Byakuya for so long?"

"Money," he says without faltering, "I have nothing outside here, no family to run back to, no village, nothing. You are just a child with much left to live and experience. Whatever you do, don't do anything stupid out there."

"I'm not stupid!"

"I never said you were stupid, I said don't do anything stupid," Kakuzu says as he gets up from my bed and walks towards my door, "Good luck Uzumaki."

"Kakuzu... ," I whisper under my breath.

I get up from my desk and search my room for the nearest empty scroll.

I will no longer be a prisoner of the Byakuya.

I swiftly slip from my room and head towards the storage unit, where most of the prized weaponry belonging to the byakuya was kept.

I opened the scroll and placed it over the Swords of the Mist owned by the byakuya.

Samehada. Nuibari. Kabutowari.

"Sealing Jutsu: Storage Seal," I chanted as I watched the three swords become imbued with my own chakra. Just before the swords became completely sealed within the scroll, I bit my finger to inscribe the last parts of the jutsu with my own blood.

Blood Manipulation. It's a rare trait found within the Uzumaki Clan.

Since we have such large chakra reserves, reinforcing our blood with chakra creates sharper and more reinforced weapons.

Not to mention, the reserves of chakra can even be used to form more blood.

Now the scroll cannot be opened without my blood. I placed the scroll in my pocket and I continued my way to the back-exit of the hideout.

There really shouldn't be any-

"Halt! Who goes there?" a voice echoed throughout the dimly lit halls.

Shit, stupid Leader-sama and her patrol men.

"It's just me," I say as I slowly turn around to be met with a man in mask, painted with an eerie smile.

"Princess, what are you doing up so late?"

"Just carrying out some checks for Leader-sama. Don't worry yourself, I'll keep watch over this wing!" I say cheerily, mentally begging the patrol man to leave any minute now.

"Are you sure princess? Promise you won't tell Leader-sama?" he asks.

"Of course I won't silly!" I reassure him with a smile. As much as I hated the nickname, being heralded as the Byakuya princess comes with its perks. No one dares to suspect anything I do since The Reaper holds me in such high regard for my blood manipulation.

Now the only obstacle in my way are the door guards. I could cause a distraction but that would bring too much attention to the scene. My only choice is to deal with the guards myself.

Prying the door ever so slightly, I slip out into the outside.

"Wind style: smoke dome." I chant and thick wall of smoke emerged between me and the door guards.

"Who's there?" one of the guards chokes out.

"Blood Manipulation: Chakra Spear." I say, as I aim the blood spears towards the guards as it impales them.

Compress.

My blood slowly seeps into their circulation compressing all of their vessels, from small capillaries to the carotid and aortic arteries, causing the guards to fall to the floor gasping for air.

Release.

The jutsu shouldn't kill them. But they certainly won't wake up anytime soon.

Gathering my composure, I run straight through the densely packed forest contemplating my options once I find safety.

"Child, that's a lovely kekkei genkai you have there." A man said as he perched on a tree branch behind me, stopping me in my tracks. "I don't think I've ever met a ninja who can use blood manipulation."

Alarmed and now panicking, I tightened my grip on my kunai, wondering where on earth this person came from. A hybrid of a walking venus flytrap and a chewed dog toy looms above me, lurching on a tree.

"Who are you? And why are you here?" I retorted.

"I'm a nobody and I was wondering what a talented girl like you is doing. Are you going somewhere?"

"I don't tell strangers shit and stop avoiding my question, You don't work for the Byakuya so why are you here?"

"My, my, you sure are a feisty one. I'm here to simply recruit new members for my organisation and we could do with a kunoichi of your calibre."

"No."

"Well that was straight to the point, but surely you're not stupid, Y/N Uzumaki."

"Oh wow, big scary tree thinks I'll join his clique just because he knows my name. Go away please."

"It's clear you have no intention of joining but let me offer you a proposition instead." Said a new voice.

A voice sharper than any blade I've ever wielded. A voice which penetrated my body like a force of a million needles piercing my bones.

"There's nothing worth any value you can offer me." I turned around to meet this daunting voice, to be met with a masked man leaning against the tree t he venus flytrap man emerged out of.

"Oh I think you should hear me out, Kunoichi Thirteen or should I say Byakuya Princess."

My heart sunk to the pit of my stomach as a million thoughts raced through my mind. How does he know about my name from when I was in the academy, or about my life in the Byakuya?

"You're clearly on the run from the Byakuya but where will you go?" the masked man added,

"Surely you know you are quite well-known throughout the neighbouring regions as the red-haired kunoichi with the branding 13 on her neck. The kunoichi who can manipulate her own blood. Tell me where will you go? Back to the family who sold you off?" he chuckled as he spat in my face.

I was convinced that all life ceased to thrive after hearing his words. If I hadn't felt scared before, I certainly did now. This stranger whose known me mere minutes, knew everything about me.

"Maybe I will go back, why do you care?" I said defensively, my hands trembling as I tried to maintain my grip on my kunai.

"I think you should hear me out. You don't want to do this the hard way."

"What baseless threats. Excuse me, I have to make my way back to my family," I spat, as I watched the masked man turn his back to me as he walked into the dark abyss.

"Say hi to your sister for me!" the venus fly-trap chuckles.

Shit.

Whoever they were, they weren't good news. How did they know I was running back to my sister?

Whoever they were, they knew too much about me. It was suffocating.

Regardless, It's not stopping me from returning to the only place I have ever called home as I continue running in the direction of the Hidden Rivers Village.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.- Here's the first chapter my lovelies!

As I was re-reading this chapter I started to overthink a lot of what I have written. Overthinking is a bitch 🤚🏽.

Let me know what you think! I'd really appreciate the feedback.

Loving you always, Suri🎀

[vamp0rivm]

- EMBERS -

ch.2

ch. 1

masterlist

content warnings: nsfw, 18+ (mdni), oral, fingering, sub!reader x dom!ellie, teasing, strap r!receiving, choking ?? kinda, banners by cafe kitsune, writing smut is rlly awkward when you’re not rlly a sub

Ellie’s face is glowing as it basks in the wash of golden morning light. She looks angelic; the scene before you is almost biblical.

She’s perfectly still, mere centimetres away from you, save for the gentle rise and fall of her chest against yours.

You’re only half-awake, still trying to put the pieces of this situation together, but you imagine how breathtaking her eyes would look if she would open them now.

It’s hot beneath the thick duvet with Ellie’s arm draped over you. The fever’s passed, for the most part (unfortunately). You dread having to talk to the usual Ellie, the one who isn’t looking after you.

The thought of it makes you stir groggily, turning away from her, making a borderline pathetic attempt to move her arm off of you. She groans softly, shifting closer.

You tense slightly and stutter all suspiciously like a guy with morning wood, “Ellie, I need to get up.”

She stirs again, eyes still closed as she murmurs without thought, her hold tightening again as she nuzzles into you to avoid the sunlight, "Hm?"

“I need to get up, can you move?”

She lets out a low groan, the sound making your thighs clench slightly, but her arms don't move. Your cheeks are flushed; you don’t know how to react. Squirming, you speak louder now.

“C’mon, Ellie, I need to take a piss.”

Your change in tone makes her eyes flutter open slowly and they flicker around the room as she tries to recall what led to this.

Then, her eyes meet yours and they widen slightly before she looks away and sits up, rubbing them and mumbling, “Shit, sorry.”

You mutter back, “It’s fine…” as you get up shakily and crawl over her to get off the bed. You tilt to the side ever so slightly and her hands dart out to steady you by the hips instinctively before she pulls them away as though your skin burnt her.

With your cheeks already turning crimson, you stumble over to the bathroom to wash up, closing the door behind you, leaving Ellie sitting in your bed awkwardly.

By the time you return, she’s gone, with the sound of tinkering in the kitchen cutting through the silence. You walk in to see her fixing up a bowl of lucky charms for herself, tossing a marshmallow into her mouth.

You decide to make a tea to help alleviate the lingering symptoms, taking a sip cautiously.

Ellie raises an eyebrow at you, “Look at you, smiling to yourself. Ya really gonna drink that? I know it tastes like shit.”

“It does not. I put honey in it. It’s good for you.”

Ellie smirks to herself, that smirk that looks like she’s laughing at you, not with you.

“You’re so close to entering your final form: just a full on grandma.”

She grabs the mug from you and takes a sip. Her face scrunches up in disgust, you subconsciously mimic her facial expression as you watch.

She’d never tell you, but she finds that habit adorable.

“Actually repulsive. Don’t even bother drinking this shit, you’d probably throw up.”

You reach out for the mug, sighing softly,

“Whatever.”

She chuckles, “Whatever, my ass. I see you pouting over there. You’re so snappy.”

You know. You don’t like how pathetic you become around Ellie; how easily she makes you feel small and nervous.

She puts the mug down in front of you and goes over to the refrigerator. You watch her, glaring slightly. She digs around for a while, looking confused before glancing back over at you.

“… I think we’re out of milk.”

You groan, “Of fucking course we are… It’s fine, we’re running low on a lot of shit anyway. I’ll go to the grocery store in a sec,” and you walk back to your room begrudgingly. After dressing yourself in layers upon layers of clothing to combat the cold, you exit the room and pat your pockets as you walk over to the door.

Ellie rising from the couch and following you to the door in her coat and shoes forces you to turn and stare up at her.

She looks back at you, “What?”

“Are you going somewhere too?”

She furrows her eyebrows, “Uh, yeah, did you not want me to come with you?”

You furrow your eyebrows right back at her, “You? You want to help out?”

She scoffs and looks away, rubbing her neck, “Just… in case you faint or something, ya know? You had a fever, you’re still kinda ill… Hey- don’t look at me like that! I help out!”

You shake your head and push the door open for her, muttering, “Never thought I’d see the day…” Ellie scoffs again and walks out with you trailing on behind her after locking it. She glances over her shoulder at you and slows down for you to catch up.

The wind is harsh and frosty, nipping at the tip of your nose and your numb hands. You bring them to your mouth to warm them. Ellie watches you.

"Gloves, dumbass."

You look up at her, a puff of air leaving her lips as she speaks, "Lost 'em."

She rolls her eyes at you and keeps walking with her body now turned slightly towards you, and she reaches out, taking your hand in hers to feel how cold they are. The exaggerated wince she lets out tells you all you need to know.

“So fuckin’ cold, the hell? Feels like you’re dead.”

She takes your other hand in hers and you already feel warm, but she rubs them together gently and brings them to her lips, breathing a puff of warm air onto them. Her lips graze over your finger before she moves them away again, and your face has inevitably turned a deep shade of red. She mumbles some shit about frostbite.

You grab a trolley as you walk in and start pushing it through the ‘Fruit and Veg’ aisle when Ellie takes it from you,

“Here, lemme…”

- before glancing around and hopping onto the bar connecting the back wheels, cruising down the empty aisles.

You run after her, whisper-yelling at her to stop, “Ellie, you’re gonna fuckin’ crash into something! Stop! I swear to god!”

The sound of her snickering in response makes you scoff, so you’re almost happy when you approach her as she’s awkwardly apologising to a kid and his mom for almost crashing into him before sombrely pushing the trolley down the dairy aisle, looking all serious this time.

You laugh at her face, earning you a glare.

“What? I get to laugh, I told you to stop.”

“Shut up…”

You roll your eyes and turn to face the shelves, scanning them for a carton of milk.

A few moments later, you’re standing in the ‘Kids’ aisle after Ellie had steered off in its direction in spite of your protests.

You couldn’t even take the trolley off of her now, being that it was significantly heavier due to the assortment of random snacks Ellie kept grabbing and throwing in haphazardly along the way.

“Cheetos… Hell yeah, I’m feasting tonight- NO FUCKING WAY!”

“What?”

“Is that the Ultra Destroyer Doom Blaster Max 3000™️ Fuck yeah! I’ve wanted this since I was 5! You seen those ads on TV? Oh I am 100% kicking JJ’s ass with this, that little goober.”

She holds up a water gun to you, grinning ear-to-ear as she makes a ‘pew, pew’ noise. You laugh and try to ignore how she goes quiet and her cheeks flush as she puts it in the trolley and grabs another few.

“We gotta get a couple, actually. We can fight to the death. You’ll be all wet - what’s new?”

“Dude, shut up.”

Her laugh makes you smile again as she pushes the trolley towards the queue. Finally.

Once it’s your turn, Ellie quickly starts putting the items on the conveyor belt as you flash the cashier a small smile.

He smiles back, his eyes lingering for a moment. You look away as you wait for Ellie to finish unloading the fucking mountain of items she’s accumulated over the space of half an hour. She looks like she’s deeply concentrated.

“How are you doing today?” he asks awkwardly, clearly just trying to make conversation. Ellie glances up at the two of you and then keeps slaving away.

“I’m okay! Was feeling a bit ill, but it’s nice to get some fresh air.”

“Yeah? Enjoying the beautiful weather? He gestures over to the doors where you can see an empty trolley flying through the parking lot, carried by huge gusts of wind, and you burst out laughing.

He smiles at you and, from the corner of your eye, you can see Ellie staring directly at the two of you as she finishes up and walks over, shoving her hands into her pockets all quiet and shy.

“Real majestic.”

“Yeah… On a serious note, try not to get carried away in the wind, yeah?”

“I’ll do my best, but no promises.”

“Well, that’s not reassuring at all,”

You giggle and he grins back at you, when Ellie mumbles,

“Can you hurry? Nature calls.”

The cashier gives her a tight-lipped smile which she makes absolutely no effort to return, simply brushing her fingers against yours like it’s no big deal.

But it is. It is a big deal.

The bags are packed and in your shaky grip as you trudge out of the grocery store. Ellie’s walking fast ahead of you, only holding one bag: the one with the water guns in them. She seems pissed off. She probably just needs to pee really bad.

You don’t complain. It was her turn to pay so she’s probably penniless now.

She glances over her shoulder at you and then stops with a sigh, walking back over to you.

You look up at her as she approaches, “What?”

She doesn’t respond or meet your eyes, grabbing the bags off of you, only leaving you with one, and then turning and walking again.

Ellie doesn’t acknowledge you again, not even when you’re back in your kitchen, putting the groceries away.

“Did… Did you get everything you needed?”

you prod, trying to get her to respond, but she just shrugs, taking the milk from your hands and putting it in the fridge, still not meeting your eyes.

“… Are you hungry, Ellie?”

Nothing.

“Do you want me to make you something to eat?”

…

“No.”

“Okay… Are you sleepy?”

“Jeez, do you ever stop fucking talking?”

You stare at her, dumbfounded and hurt, and the way her hard expression falters tells you she knows.

“You… You’re always talking… Even to some dumbass cashier… That’s so stupid… Fuck, what am I even talking about?”

You stay quiet for a moment, bottom lip trembling ever so slightly. Ellie’s shoulders drop, she looks visibly guilty. She approaches you but you quickly turn to face the counter, shoving something into a cupboard.

She puts a hand on your arm, “Hey-” but you shrug it off and she stands awkwardly behind you.

“Are you… I’m sorry. That was- I didn’t mean that, it was dumb. I’m just… You’re not even that… talkative, or whatever. I’m sorry.” She starts rambling, waiting for you to face her.

“… Hey, I’m sorry, okay? I’m just… I’m just really tired, you know how I get... Can you look at me, please?”

“Okay…”

A sigh escapes her as you turn to her, “I was only being polite anyway, it’s not like I was trying to get his attention - I don’t even swing that way.”

Her hand stops. “What? What do you mean?”

You keep putting the groceries away, ignoring her.

Your silence is telling.

Ellie stays still for a moment, watching you put away the fruit. Your face is getting embarrassingly red for the nth time today alone. You can feel the warmth of her body heat behind you.

She’s so close. So close, it’s hard to keep pretending you don’t notice the signs anymore.

A hot breath fans your earlobe.

“Knew it…”

“Yeah? Then fucking do something about it.”

Before she can process your words, her hands grab onto your hips and turn you, and now she’s kissing you desperately against the counter.

Ellie pushes her body up against yours, hands holding anything they can find as though she’s searching you, as her soft lips devour yours.

The sensation of her tongue against your own is otherworldly, and you give in wholeheartedly now, with saliva spread across your mouths.

Her palms settle on your ass and she squeezes, timid, just enough for a wet spot to form in your underwear.

She lets out a breathy, “Shit,” before she bites your bottom lip, dragging a soft moan out of you, and then a breathless one as she grinds her knee between your legs, with nothing but the fabric of your underwear and pants to lessen the friction.

You feel her stiffen around you when she hears a soft moan, and she moves back, pulling you to her bedroom quickly. The door slams shut behind you as you enter, and it’s that same cold wooden surface that she has you pinned against just moments later, with her fingers tracing shapes into the sensitive skin of your inner thighs, making you squirm.

Her lips work their way along your jaw at a painstakingly slow pace, settling in the crook of your neck where she sucks the skin, teeth nipping gently before circling it with her tongue and pressing a soft kiss on the darkened skin. Then, along your collarbone, hungrily, like a cannibal, with a fervour that’s unfamiliar to you.

Those green eyes, filled with desire, look up at you and you feel her lips curl into a smirk against your skin before she nips at your earlobe, making you squirm again.

Ellie’s cold hands run up your thighs, leaving a trail of goosebumps, and grope at your ass before she tugs your shorts down your legs, leaving you in your soaked panties.

You feel her fingers run along your clothed cunt, feeling the moisture as she smiles into your neck, leaving you gasping. She mutters, “Fuck… You’re so wet.”

She places a hand on your cheek, holding you in place as she rests her head on your shoulder, breathing shakily, and the other slowly reaches down the waistband of your panties, making your hips buck against hers. Your mind stops still in time when two fingers slip between your folds, a soft moan escaping you.

Ellie’s fingers go further, entering your dripping hole, eliciting a muffled moan from you.

She presses a gentle kiss onto your shoulder and mutters, so much she wants to say but she doesn’t have the balls to, before thrusting deep into you, hitting your sweet spot and curling into it .

Panting gasps and groans - she quickens the pace of her fingers, hitting that same spot inside your pussy over and over as though it comes naturally to her, and you sob.

"I-it's so good, oh fuck," you babble, your eyes rolling back as your hips start to tremble.

“Yeah? You like that?"

Fuck she thinks, I sound so fucking stupid, too horny to see straight, distracted when her thumb finds your clit and rubs small circles into it as her fingers ram fast and hard into your pussy. It leaves you a squirming, quivering mess

“E-Ellie... Shit…” Your vision is blurry with hot tears, everything feels like it’s melting together

Drool trails down the corner of your mouth when she slips another finger into your tight pussy, a loud moan leaving you

“Y-Yeah… I know.”

You whimper out a breathy “need you,” as she fucks her fingers knuckle deep into you, but as your wall clench around her and your noises become more pleasurable, she asks,

“You cumming?” “Y-yeah! Fuck!”

“I’m sorry, fuck, jus- just a sec, not yet, baby. Not yet.”

She halts her erratic movements and pulls her hand out of your twitching pussy. You whine loudly, looking up at her with a pained expression as the cold hits your sensitive, swollen cunt and she licks her fingers clean.

“What the fuck, Ellie?” You move to push her away.

“Just… let me, please.”

But Ellie doesn’t respond; she grabs onto your wrists and pushes you onto her bed. She climbs on top of you so you can see the desperation in her eyes clearer now, as she pulls your shirt and sports bra up over your head.

She places sloppy, ravenous kisses down your sternum, pinching a nipple meanly and placing her lips on the other, sending waves of pleasure through you. She sucks, circling your areola with her hot tongue before pulling away with a pop and doing the same to the other.

Ellie sucks and bites and kisses the skin along your chest slowly, cruelly, leaving your core aching as she paints you in a constellation of hickeys

She slowly inches lower down your torso, her lips grazing your hips before she places a soft peck near your pussy, making you buck you hips against her, moaning, “Fuck, Ellie, don’t stop, please…”

She grabs your legs and lifts them onto her shoulders with a smirk as she lowers herself in front of your cunt.

You breathe out shakily, your stomach tensing when you feel her breath against your clit, her voice tinny and desperate,

“Tell me what you need, baby,”

You clench your eyes shut, “I need you to eat it… Fuck, please, Ellie.”

Her head disappears between you legs and she runs her tongue up your wet slit, making your hips thrust up into her. She grabs them and holds them down against the bed.

“Hold still."

The sound of slurping fills the room and you struggle to stop squirming as her nose nudges your clit and she sucks you dry.

“Tastes so good, fuck.”

Her tongue moves like she’s a fucking professional. Your thighs clench around her face and she moans into your pussy. The vibrations make you go cross-eyed, pushing your cunt further into her face, till her nose and mouth are stuffed full.

She can’t breathe and it feels so good, she moves her tongue faster, eating it like she’s been starved for years. You’re already close, looking down at her as she lets out low, muffled moans against you, dry humping the bed to get any sense of relief from the growing ache in her core.

“Cum on my face, baby.”

When you feel it happen, she pushes her face deeper into it, licking you dry till you’re fucked out, before sitting up and hovering over your twitching figure. Her chin is dripping with your slick. She swipes a thumb over it and looks into your eyes as she sucks it clean.

She slips her clothes off as you start to come down from your high, sitting up beneath her and grazing a finger over her nipple gently, leaning in to kiss her.

As she comes up to breathe, eyes tracing your features,

“Wanna… try something else?”

—

The bed dips as she grabs her strap-on from under it and clicks it on behind you, the cold silicone teasing your clit so you let out a small noise.

She chuckles, smoothing a hand over the side of your thigh before slowly pushing the tip into your slippery hole, stopping for a moment but going all in when your whine morphs into moans, before dragging it out and back in, teasingly slowly. Your pussy throbs around her, aching for more.

You moan her name and she halts for a moment, and then suddenly rams it into you, immediately hitting the right spot, cutting you off midway through a stuttering “Please,” She starts thrusting faster, the force pushing your face forward into the pillows, muffling your moans.

She’s huffing, letting soft moans leave her lips. She can feel it rubbing against her clit just right too and it feels so fucking good as she looks down at your ass rippling every time she slams into you. She keeps thrusting in and out, ramming into your good spot over and over, creating a painful pleasure.

Your moans make her feel like she’ll cum right then and there,

You gasp for air as she slaps your ass hard enough to leave a mark, fucking hard enough to make you think you’re both feral. She squeezes your throat, making you feel light-headed as you get closer to your peak, your eyes rolling back before she lets go and kneads the fat of your ass.

“F-fuck, it’s so good… Oh, shit, I’m so close.”

Ellie mumbles back breathlessly, “You gonna cum, baby? Cum with me, yeah? Cum with me…”

She keeps thrusting ravenously, her hand travelling down to your stomach to feel the bulge as she leans over you and places her chin on your quivering shoulder. Her body’s pressed against yours.

You see white, as she fucks you through your orgasm, ears ringing and throat scratchy, still grinding as you both come down from your high.

You’re breathing heavy against each other. Ellie slowly pulls out, gently laying you down on your stomach before collapsing on the bed beside you.

You meet her green eyes and a small smile is playing at her lips. You can’t help but smile back lazily. A deeper feeling is threatening to surface as you stare at her beautiful face, but you shove it down and close your eyes as she wraps her arms around you.

It’s okay. You’re not falling in love with someone who doesn’t like you back. You’ll be gone, back in your own room, by the time she wakes up.

[blot-squisher]

Who in the STG universe would just drink milk

Like just milk nothing added to it

Wat????

Um. I don't know why this question threw me for such a loop but here goes? Who would drink regular milk?

Pretty much all of them, so here's who wouldn't and here's who needs to be shot for their crimes against dairy beverages.

Marcus doesn't care for it unless it's in cereal or flavored.

All four of the Legion (now that they're in America) drink it directly from the jug. They also do this with juice.

Frank specifically is a monster when he eats cereal. Instead of going, bowl, cereal, milk, he pours the milk directly into the bag of cereal and eats it like that.

Danny will take it or leave it. It's nothing special. But. When he eats cereal, he pours the milk first, then adds the cereal. It started as a joke to piss off everyone else, then became a habit. Now he claims it's better that way.

Kazan doesn't drink it. He doesn't see a point in it. Just give him tea.

Charlotte and Victor will only drink fresh, raw milk. They both hate the taste of 'processed' milk that most people buy in grocery stores.

Quentin. Somehow a few of the others convinced him to do the 'gallon challenge'. (Please don't do that) He hasn't been able to look at milk since.

[zvmz]

A few Ginger Breadhouse HCs <3

Ginger is not at all related to the gingerbread man, a very common misconception

Weirdly enough, ginger doesn’t actually have much of a sweet tooth. She barely eats any of what she bakes. She bakes so much only because it makes her happy to see others enjoy what she makes. She will be completely devastated if someone doesn’t like her baking

She’s very insecure and has always held a belief that she’s an annoying and unlikable person. She hates the thought of people not liking her, so she puts a lot of effort into being way overly nice to others so they will like her

since her stories original ending was to be burned alive, she has nightmares about that happening to her. it’s the only nightmare she’s ever had, and she has it almost every night. Shes unaware of what her stories original ending is so doesn’t know why she dreams this. She has a terrible phobia of fire now.

she collected shopkins as a kid during spellamentary. Now she collects squishmellows

She wears candy necklaces like normal accessories 

She’s one of the few students who manages to be friends with everyone. Royals and rebels.

She has a lot of trouble with anxiety and panic attacks

She likes to clean to settle her nerves. You can always tell if she’s had a bad day just based on the state of her kitchen

Her socks never match. Her mom believed mis-matched socks bring good luck. 

Cedar and cerise like to help her bake. They are terrible at it and are constantly on the verge of setting the kitchen on fire.

Ginger is too nice to tell them so or kick them out of the kitchen

Her favorite place in the world (after her kitchen, of course) is the mad hatters tea shoppe. 

She’s there almost every day, whether it be for eating or studying

The hatter offers her free meals very often, but she never accepts, just puts the money in the tip jar

She rewatches her favorite shows over and over for years because she likes the familiarity

A small magic perk of hers is that despite her clumsiness, she has never caused an accident in the kitchen. 

For example, if she bumps into a mixing bowl it will always teeter on the edge of the counter, but never fall. If she drops a knife it will never hit her foot. 

Hopper has a bit of a crush on her. When she found out through one of her friends she immediately started liking him back, but only because he was the first guy to show her any attention. It took her a while to realize she didn’t actually feel the same way he did

She rarely curses

She had braces until sophomore year

shes an okay driver. She’s very safe. too safe, even. She goes way under the speed limit, pissing off the people behind her and shes not as aggressive as she needs to be.

She was always terrified of the idea of driving, but her mom made her get her license so she can run errands for her (things could go badly if someone in a grocery store recognized the candy witch, so she doesn’t like running errands herself)

[therabbitthatpostthings]

Hashira Secret Santa

(Modern AU?? This is really silly btw, probably ooc for the sake of funnies)

Obanai

Obanai gets thoughtful gifts for Mitsuri only and is pissed that Shinobu wouldn’t help him rig the pulls to get Mitsuri for the 5th time in a row. He tries to get nice and good gifts for everyone (even Giyuu on occasion). He’s the type to get shopping done early when the weather starts to change just to be extra prepared.

He ended up getting Muichiro a pair of headphones that are also noise cancelling.

He took Mitsuri out to dinner anyway

Muichiro

Muichiro…. he remembered to show up today so everyone was fine with that. He didn’t really know what would be a good gift and consulted Tanjiro on it since he knew Kyojuro (slightly) better. Tanjiro suggested getting him a flame patterned ramen bowl.

Muichiro ended up getting him a full ceramic set and a little owl shaped keychain.

Kyojuro

Kyojuro is somehow a mess and very organized when it comes to secret Santa shopping. Every year he goes through hell planning gifts- forgetting about them and then remembering and scrambling to buy things. And it always works out?!

He was very excited this year because Tengen always gave him the best gifts and he knew that only something flashy could match the flashy Hashira. Not only that he wanted to get something for his wives as well.

This man, got the gaudiest (fuck ugly) pair of sneakers custom made for Tengen. A horrific yet cohesive mess of colors and rhinestones and Tengen LOVES IT. Tengen is crying and already modeling the shoes- he will them for the rest of the party.

Kyojuro got a nice tea set for Hina, a book collection for Makio (disguised as a shoebox, I like to think she likes trashy romance and is embarrassed about it), and a giant 7ft tall stuffed animal for Suma.

For the first time ever, all three of them considered Tengen proposing to Kyojuro.

Tengen

Like Obanai, Tengen is also super pissed Shinobu wouldn’t help him get Kyojuro again this year. He plans his shopping ahead of time for at least a month and buys everything all in one day. He wraps it all in one day too.

Tengen admires Gyomei’s strength and fortitude, so getting a gift that represents that was very important to him. It only makes sense that the God of Festivals would get the flashiest and best gifts for his colleagues. So it came as a surprise to everyone when Gyomei opened his box to find several cat toys. Gyomei immediately started crying because he thought no one remembered his two cats. Tengen also offered to come over and set up a scratching post for them.

Gyomei

Sanemi was a hard person to shop for, even for Gyomei who prided himself on knowing good gifts to get people. The whole ordeal was really stressing him out. Especially since, Sanemi didn’t want to participate in the first place. Gyomei toiled over this for a long time before deciding to do something.

Sanemi opened to his box to find, sweaters. Hand knitted sweaters. They weren’t perfect but you could tell they were made with effort. Gyomei also motioned towards him, a hot chocolate making set with decorative mugs. Sanemi just stood a little quiet, then turned and said thank you while putting on the white and blue sweater.

Sanemi

Speaking on not wanting to participate, Sanemi hated the fact that he had pulled Giyuu’s name! He yelled- no- DEMANDED Shinobu pull again.

Being the brother he is Sanemi actually gets his shopping done in a timely manner and doesn’t stress over the holidays. He won’t admit it but Christmas time is a beloved time to him.

So imagine the frustration of getting Giyuu a gift. FUCKING GIYUU! The most punchable, antisocial loser imaginable! He thought it was dumb but didn’t want to get shit from anyone for just giving him a mug or something. What a pain…

He had to go to the one person that could help him now. Tanjiro…

Giyuu opens the box to find a light blue knit scarf with an ocean wave pattern at the ends. On top were two braided hair ties, one was blue and white and the other was red, yellow and green. Before anyone could say anything, Giyuu softly thanked him and tied the second tie into his hair. For some reason, they both looked embarrassed.

Giyuu

Every year Giyuu buys 5 gifts, one of Urokodaki, one for Makomo, one for Sabito and recently, Tanjiro and Nezuko. He functioned just fine doing that. Never needing to stress because he always had an idea of what they would want. Giyuu was the only other person who didn’t want to participate in Secret Santa because he knew Shinobu wouldn’t allow him to pull her name.

Giyuu was silently stressing now because just idea of getting Obanai a gift seemed impossible. The two didn’t get along he was sure Obanai actually hated him. Scratch that he was 100% sure Obanai hated him. It was far too late for him to back out however, everyone had picked and no one would trade with him (he was too timid to ask anyway).

And like the Angel she is came in Mitsuri who offered helpful piece of advice. Here stands Obanai holding a free meal ticket at his favorite restaurant (it’s actually Mitsuri’s) because what’s a better present to him than being able to treat her. Giyuu also brought a tiny sweater for Kabarumaru that had gloves sewn on to look like he’s holding his own glove and a coiled snake ring.

Obanai muttered a half-hearted “Thank you,” and you could feel the tension in the air soften as Giyuu released all the unnecessary pressure from off his shoulders.

Shinobu and Mitsuri,

Somehow got each other for Secret Santa! Knowing this they both decided to get a present they could both enjoy on top of the individual gifts. Mitsuri gifted Shinobu some expensive perfumes while Shinobu gave Mitsuri some designer dresses. They both decided to reward themselves with a trip to a hot spring the following weekend after Christmas and spend New Years relaxing. The same relaxing hot springs Tengen and his wives would be attending that they also invited Kyojuro to! What a strange turn of luck?!

Makes you wonder why Obanai is glaring at Shinobu so hard…

[straypurrgatory]

"They just don't want you getting diabetes!"

YOU'RE CONTROLLING FOR EVERYTHING THOUGH??!?!

Listen. This feels like a more mundane thing to complain about but, I will anyway.

I am not overweight, nor am I diabetic; I am very thin, very anemic, and frankly very unathletic for my age. I am 5'8" and have been at a point of reaching 104 pounds before.

I am very tired of constantly eating like I'm on a diet. I'm so tired of it. I understand people want me to be physically healthy, but if that was the case, I wouldn't be stuck in my room all the time, would I?

It's not entirely their fault; it's at this point where I don't even enjoy eating anymore. It feels more like a chore now. Sometimes, I don't even feel like I need to eat, especially when I am experiencing Cotard's-

You can't say this isn't a reason why I stay this way, isn't it?

I came down, ate my dinner (two small quesadillas), and felt like having something generous for myself; I simply wanted butterscotch pudding, and some tea. No, I can't have that, because they don't go well together-

Okay fine, then how bout I have some tiny powder donuts? No, that's too much sugar.

Okay fine... can I try something different with making a hot chocolate at least (I didn't want it cause it's too heavy on my stomach because of how little I can handle food nowadays, but I wasn't getting much of a choice right?) No, I'm not allowed to "spice things up" I'm not allowed to!

.... WHAT-

I'm not allowed to try new things with food...? Why?????? How does this help me not get diabetes?? You think this is stupid for me to be questioning it, but it's legit for anything, not just sugar related- I sometimes have to sneakily mix foods together the way I want them so they don't get pissy about it! Why do I have to hide honey mustard to dip in my rice if I like it? It's not like they are eating it????

Okay now I'm getting pissed, cause it seems like I can't even indulge in myself a little bit, cause it's always; "Soda once every other 3 days" "Mexican bread pastry only once a week" "Noooooo- that's too much snacks!" "Nooo you can't just eat a fruit bowl as a meal, that's too little!" "Nooo, you can't eat cereal as a lunch, that's a breakfast menu!" "Nooo, you can't eat this- you can't eat that!" "Hey, try this, it's vegetarian and healthy! Try this, it's vegan!"

This is something I can get in trouble for! I can get in trouble for not eating the way they want!

And then they start getting mad when I don't want to eat at all!! Which I also got in trouble for! It's not fun eating! It never was since middle school!! You all ruined food for me!! That's not real though, nooooo, it's all in my head, right??

It's not like they can pick a side either, cause right after they say no and I begrudgingly agree, they start doing the opposite!

I told them no, cause I know how this goes: They make it for me, and then when my mom finds out, they say that I got all pissy and pulled their arm, then I get in trouble!!

They start proceed doing it even though I'm trying to be calm and exclaim to them no, cause I don't want trouble, and they proceed to still do it!! I had to put the cup away before they could start, despite me telling them I didn't want it anymore! They do that often and it's so annoying- cause I'm cooperating but you're going to say otherwise later!

Then, they start giving me alternatives, WHICH ALL DEFEATED THE PURPOSE OF WHAT THEY DIDN'T WANT.

"You want ice-cream instead?" That defeats the point. "How bout another pudding?" That defeats the point. "How bout mexican hot chocolate?" That defeats the point. "How bout soda?" That defeats the point!

You don't want me to over-indulge in sugar, okay I will listen, but then you proceed to give me options that could get me in trouble with?? What was the point of this conversation then??

I settled on diet coke and chips but by that point, I just felt like heading upstairs, so I did.

I always try to be reasonable with what they want best for my health, but legit nothing they say make sense to me anymore.

I want to go workout, but I'm not allowed to work out the way I want to- they want me to not look "too bulky" but what if I want that?? It's not your body!! It's mine! I should be allowed to express myself however I want! I shouldn't have to be forced to be meek and thin!

You should be overjoyed I want to do things, but it's rather they are, "not ready for that kind of change" or they simply don't want me to! What about what I want??

I'm 18; I shouldn't feel restricted to express myself like I did in middle school.

Anytime I simply want to confront them about it, I get sucked into a long lecture that results in the same thing, "You don't like it? Get out of my house." or "Sorry, mom's rule says so."

Anyhow, if one is on a diet, then everyone has to be- and seems my mom has been in the health kick for a good long while now- but even then, she was controlling of what I eat.

And in the end of it all, it all just makes me lose my appetite.

[enbysiriusblack]

going crazy thinking about barty crouch jr but nobody really has anything interesting to say about him. you are FULL of good ideas. so i kinda wonder how YOU see him?

okay so. full disclosure, anon. i'm not very deep in the regulus friendgroup, i have thought about evan and barty a lot less than most other marauder characters. but. here are some thoughts that i do have of him:

very much a nerd. but doesn't want to be. he's smart and cares about his school work, but tries to appear like he doesn't (never hangs out in the library or goes to study classes and acts like he isn't paying much attention in class, even though he is because he finds it interesting)

his mum is his favourite person ever. huge mummy's boy. does whatever she says. tells her everything.

but can't stand his father. does the opposite of everything he says. hates the government purely because his father is in it. (his father wants him to do well in school, which is the main reason barty acts like he doesn't care about school)

idk how popular this is. but i see him as a ravenclaw. i imagine him and pandora (also a ravenclaw) becoming close friends/each other's only friend in first year, then pandora befriends regulus, and so on.

has anger issues. he hates authority figures/being told what to do and tends to get pissed off and unable to control his temper. most of what he gets in trouble for is throwing chairs/swearing and shouting at teachers/vandalising the castle, etc. he only really gets detention/house points taken away because of his good grades/father holding a high status, otherwise he'd be more severely punished.

the kind of person to start fights/shout and swear at strangers and act like he doesn't care about anything only to then spend all night studying for an unimportant test and make tea for his mum and hug her

his usual breakfast is a bowl of cornflakes without milk (he gives me lactose intolerant vibes), an apple or banana, and a cup of apple juice in his younger years and black coffee (with like three sugars) when he's a bit older.

i think he mostly joined the death eaters because his father was actively and publicly against them. as well as partially because his friends (well evan and regulus) were joining

my fancast for him is ty tennant because i think it's funny.

[bucketspammer4life]

hondo & sandman angst and fluff hcs!!

request by @wierdlesbian!!!

hcs below the cut!!

Fluff

they often do paralel play (basically doing different things around each other) a whole lot

hondo knows how to crochet (im not spelling that right 99%) and makes cute little plushies whenever hes sad

they communicate by silly drawings, whenever sandman is mad at him for something silly (i.e not cleaning up the shower after using it, forgetting the milk outside the fridge) he'll doodle his chibi-self with a pissed off face

hondo usually makes tea for sandman after workouts, in return sandman makes him some smoothies since hondo doesnt eat enough fruit

sandman & hondo cant exercise together due to them constantly making jokes around each other and leaving themselves out of breath by trying to exercise & make jokes at the same time

Hondo will buy sweets everytime he goes to the store because he knows sandman has a sweet tooth and nothing is worse than a sweet tooth left without sugar

Angst

Since both of them cant really express affection & are also direct people they have outright asked each other "are you forcing yourself to be happy around me?" And "do you not love me?" multiple times

both of their parents dont approve their relationship and since theyre family oriented people that hurts them a whole lot, all they wanted was to have their family be glad they found someone they love

both of them cant apologize to save their lives & theyre not willing to use the fruit bowl apology so they end up writing apology notes to each other that have sentences like "i understand if you wanna break up with me." And "its okay if you dont wanna be with me anymore."

Both of them isolate themselves when theyre angry & sad, but they still see each other in the house so they just make really sad eye contact with both of their faces red from crying & eyes puffy from all that, especially after tough arguments

After bad arguments they cant bear to see each other, they just break into tears

[purplesurveys]

1914

Name something you keep on the nightstand. The microfiber cloth for my glasses so I can clean mine as soon as needed.

What does a man brag about the most? I uh...don't know. I never hang with groups of dudes lol, and the ones I know don't really do a lot of bragging around me.

What's the most you've tipped your waiter or waitress. The highest I give is ₱500 and that's whenever I host a big party (10-15 pax). I leave ₱200 if I was very impressed by the service; otherwise my standard practice is at ₱100.

As a child, what frightened you the most? Cockroaches, because we had flying ones at home. The fear has carried over to this day because I still hate seeing them.

I also didn't like seeing anyone drunk because the men in my family who did never knew how to take care of themselves. It was horrifying watching them stumble and slur their words; physical altercations were the worst thing I had to witness. Among family. So imagine how pissed I felt when I tried alcohol for the first time and learned that drinking has a lot to do with just knowing how to control yourself.

Name a dish you take to a potluck. The ideal option would be pizza but that's what everybody brings, so my go-to has evolved to be Mama Lou's truffle mac and cheese. They're not what anyone would think to be their first choice, and yet everyone goes crazy over them. As a people pleaser, I always want to make sure it's my tray that makes their way to plates the most haha.

What's a popular vacation location? For Filipinos, definitely any of these: Taiwan, Hong Kong, Singapore. I've been to Singapore but have no interest in the other two.

Name a complaint people have about their job. That they are not paid enough for the life they need to sustain.

Name something you put off doing until the weekend. Taking our pets to the vet. The queues are always unpredictable, and the last thing I'd want to happen is to be 5th in line during my lunch break and be stuck on the road three minutes before a 1 PM call. So say if they were due on a Wednesday, I'd just take them that same weekend.

What's a common remedy for a cold? I just let it pass if it's only a cough or cold. Fever is a different story – I'm rarely sick, so when it happens it crashes hard on me. When I get a fever, I usually find myself asking for soup since it's the only thing I'll have the appetite for.

My mom also has this honey ginger tea that she makes me drink 1-2 glasses of. It's nasty, but I do it for her so it doesn't go to waste.

How many scoops of ice cream do you put on an ice cream cone? 2 max and that's pushing it. I'm a slow eater, so it's sure to melt. It's also why I've always preferred having ice cream from a bowl/cup.

Name a type of nut. If I'm having the nut itself, pistachio. In terms of flavor, almond or peanut.

How long is the typical vacation? Anywhere between 2-5 days. Except for the time we were in Bali for 7 days, I've never been on a vacation for longer than a week.

Name a popular athlete. Simone Biles.

At what age should you have children? Whenever you're ready and financially capable. It's different for all.

During high school, what was your worst subject? Chemistry. I feel like my teacher only passed me out of guilt(??); my test scores ranged from 68-89. Never tasted a line of 9 from it lol.

Name a famous Jack. Jack Nicholson.

How many speeding tickets does an average motorist receive? I have no idea. Speeding's not that big of a problem here to begin with because the Philippines is the Traffic Hellhole of the World LOL

Name a profession a kid wants to be when they grow up. Teacher, doctor, princess.

Name a famous TV detective. Sherlock Holmes.

At what age did you get your first kiss? 16.

What month is popular for weddings? Ber months.

Name something people forget when they're in a hurry. Wallet.

[whats-mordecais-opinion-on]

omfg im not the only one- nothing brings me as much joy as thinking about things that would make him absolutely lose his marbles (good or bad)

here are some:

Boba Tea

Modern Rollercoasters

The existence of the Kindle

Corn dogs -> also bread bowls

Modern Cars

Wheelies, light up shoes, etc

Food trucks

Any modern movies but Cats specifically

Those pens with a fluffy lil fucking thing at the end of it that goes boing boing when you write with it

Erasable ink -> also those erasers the size of your head

Kraft Dinner

All those really cool trippy pictures we have of space and the planets

I'm glad I'm not the only one amused by this. As for your suggestions:

Boba Tea - Weird texture. Often too sweet. No.

Modern Rollercoasters - Convinced he's going to die, and frankly there are a lot of other deaths he'd prefer to this.

The existence of the Kindle - convenient but misses the feeling of actual pages

Corn dogs -> also bread bowls - corn dogs? Wants nothing to do with them. Much too greasy. Bread bowls? More reasonable than corn dogs, but why would anyone want to have a soggy piece of bread for a bowl when a normal bowl would do fine?

Modern Cars - I think he'd rather appreciate the innovations of modern cars. That being said, please don't show him modern gas prices.

Wheelies, light up shoes, etc - Accidents waiting to happen and frivolous, gaudy excuses for fashion. But just wait till he hears about the uhhh.... joots? jlip-jlops?

Food trucks - what's the opposite of an ambulance? Wants to be at least a mile away from them at any given time.

Any modern movies but Cats specifically - Much too loud, much too frivolous, not particularly interesting, but Cats 2019 feels tailor made to piss him off.

Those pens with a fluffy lil fucking thing at the end of it that goes boing boing when you write with it - He's just confused. Who made this and why.

Erasable ink -> also those erasers the size of your head - Erasable ink is very convenient. The erasers the size of your head are not.

Kraft Dinner - why is the cheese powder??? Concerning.

All those really cool trippy pictures we have of space and the planets - Fascinating but also a bit dizzying and incomprehensible. Doesn't care much for the pictures themselves, but all of the math and other general knowledge needed to understand just how incredible pictures like that are is where he's really interested.

[adultswim2021]

The Venture Bros. #47: "Self-Medication" | November 23, 2009 - 12:00AM | S04E06

Season four continues with an episode that is really good!!! Like, one of the better ones for sure. Like, there have only been a couple episodes I’ve felt blah about, and even those aren’t too bad.

In this one: Dr. Venture goes on a boyish adventure with a bunch of other former boy adventurers. They all belong to the same therapy group, which also consists of Action Jonny, two Hardy Boys style guys who clearly murdered their parents and got away with it (ala the Menendez Brothers, who didn’t get away with it), a tubby ex-Wonder Boy, and a cute little robot child. Somebody kills their therapist and they need to go to the local strip club to investigate. 

Meanwhile: Hatred is having withdrawals at the movie theater with Hank and Dean. He’s out of the medicine what makes him not want to touch little boys (sexually), and starts having a panic attack. He abandons his post and locks himself in the panic room. That’s it! That’s the episode! Rusty and a bunch of losers wander around like it’s a Richard Linklater movie and Sgt. Hatred has a mental health crisis. Like, I literally have been sitting here thinking to myself if there was an A story and these were just the B & C stories.

But the thing is: this episode is hilarious and great and I’d put in the pantheon of “very good episodes”. And this episode has Seth Green in it! You’d think I’d be too pissed off at him to not overlook this, but I did! He plays the jockier of the Menendez/Hardy Boys. His brother is played by professional virgin Jon Hodgman. Brendon Small reprises his role of Action Jonny, who is definitely, legally not Jonny Quest. Patton Oswals plays a former Wonder Boy, one that didn’t get murdered by the Monarch (he probably just got fucked by him). This wonder boy is based on the actor who played Robin in the 1940s Batman serials, who grew up to be a middle-aged man with weird hair. The Ro-Boy is a parody of AstroBoy, and he’s voiced by Jackson Publick. He’s famous too, he’s just, you know, the creator of the show and not a guest star. 

Stuff I will mention now: 

I love all the scenes with the therapy group. Great collection of characters. The therapist with the racist “native” puppet is so funny, I love the “chemical dependence” line. 

There is a nice-sized slur in this one, and it’s followed up with Action Jonny saying a crass joke about giving a guy’s wife herpes. His hit-you-over-the-head phrasing of “after I put herpe in there” was a Brendon Small ad-lib and improves that joke tenfold. 

There’s a deleted scene where we see Rusty’s brown friend jump into the pool during the flashback scene, when Rusty is being forced to undergo talk-therapy with his abusive father. That’s why you see him swimming around in the finished episode. I wondered about this. It turns out he jumped in that pool first. 

The commentary has a big long section cut out of it. Jackson and Doc actually record a little thing to replace the missing audio, explaining that they had to edit something out of the commentary. Have they ever said what that’s about? 

MAIL BAG

Did you enjoy the Oscars? Who on adult swim would you give the awards for Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Director, and Best Picture to. You can do others if you are feeling frisky but I don't want to bowl you over.

i don't respect acting or actors and I don't think we should encourage them. Best picture is uh, Kentucky Nightmare, directed by Space Ghost. I didn't like the Oscars, I didn't see any of those films :(

I'm watching Delocated again thanks to your blog and I was loving it until there is a scene where Jon says "If tea is what he wants then T is what he's gonna get" and then he holds a big letter T. I thought that was just so stupid. Like I thought I was watching Sesame Street. Put the letters away.

You don't like Sesame Street?? What do you like??

You're invited to hang out with three of your favorite adult swim stars. The catch? You have to hang out with Andy Merrill and he brought his favorite board games. You must play with Andy to have access to the other celebs. Do you?

I really do think that questions like this are meant to make me look FOOLISH, as if I like to sit around having childish fantasies of playing Cards Against Humanity with Brak. Well, I have a non-childish answer, maybe the most adult thing I've ever said, as a matter-of-fact: I would do it, but I would pick only hot sluts and have sex with them in front of Andy while he whined about being married in a Brak voice. What do you think of that you gay little ho

I was re-reading your Saul of the Moleman writeups and wow, what an awful show that was. My friend insists that Gerhardt Reinke's Wanderlust is good. I think there's no chance because this guy is a clown. Tell me for him that it sucks too. Please. Even if you don't believe it. Bend the truth for my advantage.

You know what I haven't really watched it but for you? Sure: that show sucked, and that's the reason I turned it off before the first commercial break of the first episode. Sorry, but Saul is a gay little ho

Any plans for Oscar's Big Night?

It was rather quiet, but I appreciated their minimalistic approach this year.

[ballplayersxo]

Yay you’re back! Missed you, hope you’re well :) As for a burrow and his gf update, same old same old.

She doesn’t go somewhere with him —> they think they broke up LMAO. I think that happened twice in the past 2 months? First it was him going to this snow sports event in aspen with his high school friend group and everyone thought they broke up bc she wasn’t their (I mean I wouldn’t want my bf on a girls trip with me but whatever floats their boat lol). Second was the Super Bowl. She went with him last year in AZ and didn’t go to Vegas with him this year (his friend did) and everyone thinks somethings wrong. However, she posted a January photo dump which showed some pics of what looked like them on vacation soo she ain’t going nowhere💀

It’s so exhausting though because it’s always the same cycle of events like ain’t nothing new happening. It’s always a joe goes somewhere, she’s not there, they broke up, she posts something/they get spotted, then they say she’s hanging on as hard as she can and that joe is “miserable”. It’s so funny but lord I can’t with the burrow people anymore.

it has to suck being a joe fan cause they think they’re spilling tea but it’s all PISS! him and olivia are not worth looking into fr cause they keep everything so lowkey

[infinitelycynical]

adding to your tags nat because a goofy image popped up in my head of how everyone would make L’s coffee

Light refuses to make coffee or tea for L, and argues that it goes against his morals to supply addicts. 

If Aizawa is pissed at L, because he’s petty as hell, he’ll make the strongest coffee you’ve ever tasted (derogatory) then give him no sugar for it. Upon being asked to please supply the bloody sugar, he’ll respond “I don’t get paid enough to do that”. If he’s just mildly pissed at the world, he’ll make it and then give L the sugar to put in it, but he puts too much hot water in usually. 

Ide just gives the drink and the bowl of sugar, usually he makes it too strong for L’s tastes, but not intentionally. He’s very lazy with it. 

Mogi is a very, very good cook, but does not do coffee. This man drinks herbal tea. Usually it ends up being too weak, even with sugar, and it offputs L.

Soichiro never makes coffee for L, because he’s never asked to. If he voluntarily made him a cup, he would probably get the amounts of everything wrong anyway.

Matsuda would get it juuuuust right. Love that guy.

Whenever Matsuda asks how he can be useful to the case, L just asks him if he can make some coffee. He never asks anyone else, only Matsuda, and if someone else offers, he’s like, “no, I want Matsuda to do it.”

Matsuda thinks he’s been assigned the role of coffee boy because L believes he’s too useless to do anything else.

Until he overhears Light quizzing L about it, and L replies, “because Matsuda makes the best coffee.”