#THATS IT IM ENDING MY FUCKING LIFE RIGHT THERE
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YOUR BEST FRIEND HAMZAH
NSFW * MDNI - smut , dry humping , dirty talk , moan , whimper , alcohol , weed , friends to lovers
you and hamzah met 5 summers ago. you followed each other even longer on every platform before you guys met that faithful summer 5 years ago. you were so close. texting every single second of everyday since.
every morning and every night, there he was. blurting mundane details about your days to each other. repeatedly telling each other how much you miss the other. constantly sending each other memes and selfies throughout the day. facetiming every night to play games, or talk until you both fell asleep on the phone.
but thats just what best friends do right? every close male and female friendships had an undertone of a romantic attraction right?
its normal that his sleepy voice rang in your head throughout your day
“goodnighttt pretty girl”
“wait set up your camera so i can see you…hah just kidding… ahem”
“you think youre sooo funny huh?”
“just wait until we’re finally together in person”
if there was truly something going on with him, surely something would’ve happened by now. every year you two would save up for your summer vacations together. nothing happened year after year. that was just our humor.
but youve heard if you repeated joke about something…you slowly begin to believe it.
but surely. surely, that isnt the case here. you couldnt ruin this strong friendship you had with him. he meant too much to you to allow your connection to dwindle to a relationship, that would eventually end and leave you with a hole in your heart, and too free much time to spend.
you knew this, but it wasnt enough to stop the way your heart would pound against your skin. the way your face would light on fire everytime you saw his name on your phone.
the way your heart would drop everytime he said something tooth decayingly sweet. a jokingly sultry voice whenever he said something flirty.
but no. you refuse to allow your selfishness wreck the way you both gravitated to each other. and you knew deep down, if it were romantic attraction, it would end at some point. platonically, you could be friends for life…
like a mantra you would repeat to yourself to protect your cherished friendship. no matter how hard it is.
-
so here you were. the first night of many you knew were you going to spend with him now that youre practically going to live with him for 3 more months under the sunburning summer in cali.
this year you guys had decided you both needed to be beach bums this year in a beach house airbnb. that you both agreed to split the payment of.
you two had a long day of relishing in each others presence. the hours spent on the cramped jet from just that same early morning seemed to wash away the second you saw his face light up at the sight of you.
“AYEEE THERE SHE IS”
he exclaims as he practically runs over and scoops you up, dropping his luggage to properly embrace you.
laughing hard and holding him tight you say into his shoulder
“i cant believe its finally here”
“what? it? im an it now?”
hamzah says with a playful tone
“NOOO, i mean our year long planned summer”
“i know, its about time i see my girl”
he says as he slides you back down to your feet, to look you in your eyes in a serious but lovingly manner.
“my girl? alright buddy im happy to see you too”
you laugh.
hamzah drops his “act” and laughs with you. while draping his arm around you, he directs the both of you out of the airport.
everytime you finally meet its like there was no time in between. maybe its because neither of you can go longer than an hour without talking to each other, but thats besides the point.
-
laying back on the couch you watch hamzah as he snifs hard after hitting the joint.
you burst out laughing when he, once again, fails to inhale the smoke.
“URG, why is this shit so fucking hard”
he says while gritting his teeth, then suddently erupting in a fit of rough coughs from the hit.
“alright, I’LL SHOW YOU ONE MORE TIME BECAUSE NOW I’M GETTING TOO FUCKED UP”
you cackle while grabbing the joint out of his fingers.
“how do you think i feel? i just chief-ed that bitch like 20 times trying to do a damn french inhale”
he choked out while his eyes water up, glossing over his red and heavy eyes.
you simply giggle whilst inhaling the smoke effortlessly through your nose, holding eye contact with his teary eyes.
he animatedly throws his hands up and covers his eyes with his hands.
you snort while twisting the roach in the ashtray you both just bought from the dispensary 5 minutes away from your airbnb.
“well, lucky for you, you have time and plenty of bud to get it down”
you say while snuggling your back into the corner of the huge couch in the even larger living room of the beach house.
“yeah yeahhh”
he retorts while doing the same, screwing his eyes shut.
“don’t tell me your going to crash out on me so early? its the first night you ass”
hamzah sits up, making his back completely straight and looks at you in the eyes.
“oh shit that reminds me…”
he blurts, while suddenly getting up and half jogs down the hallway.
“WOW, GOING TO SLEEP IN YOUR ROOM THEN”
“noooo”
you can hear him say distantly, while you hear some commotion from his room. he reenters the living room holding something behind his back.
“oh my god what did you get me?”
“hmm? i dont have anything”
he responds jokingly looking around the room, while approaching you. he grins while looking down at you, suddenly, proudly, whipping out a dvd.
you look away from his face to examine it. you read “smile 2”
you look back up at him and laugh while shaking your head.
“oh my god, PUT THAT SHIT IN RIGHT NOW”
you say enthusiastically, not intending the volume you said it. silently cringing at yourself.
he raises his eyebrows and nods, while putting his hand in front of your first
“theres a catch though…”
“oh god what” you smile calmer this time
“i may have brought a big ass bottle of grey goose…”
he drags on while pressing his lips into a thin smile.
“okay…?” you respond curiously.
“and i thought we could take a shot every time one of us jump”
he explains while pulling the other hand behind his back with the vodka.
you laugh and say “oh you little genius i love you”
-
the movie finally came to end. your entire body is buzzing and you can feel hamzah’s eyes on you.
“youd think this not being our first time watching this…we wouldnt be this fucked up right now”
you slur while sliding your arms behind you to rest on them.
“well, we’re also crossfaded right now so..i mean- i’d be fine if i werent also faded than a ho right now”
you lean your head back, looking at him
“yeah thats true”
you both look into each others dazed eyes for a moment
“im shaking im so cold right now…”
hamzah blinks and says
���damn..who asked? hah”
he says while pushing out a fake and obnoxious laugh. you groan while pushing his shoulder. he simply laughs and responds seriously
“do you want to go lay down then? are you sleepy?”
you hum while nodding your head.
“okayyy, lets go”
hamzah sits up straight and slaps his knees as he abruptly stands up
you attempt to do the same you catch your balance far less gracefully as hamzah did.
“woah woahh, i got you light weight”
“ughh i cant walk hamzah..oh noo, what do i do?”
you say seriously while holding onto his now closest shoulder as his arms are stretched out holding you up, under your shoulders
“its okay pretty..ill just have to carry you to bed”
he says plainly while crookedly smiling at you.
“like a princess?” you say quietly, your voice sounding higher than usual
hamzahs heart flutters while bending down to hook his strong arm behind your knees
“yup, like a princess”
he grunts while carefully making his way to your room.
finding your bed, he leans over it, gently placing you on your pillow.
“hmm, hamzah?”
you hum out, while grabbing his forearm as he was about to walk out.
“yeah princess?”
he whispers back
“can you sleep by me?”
hamzah laughs out of his nose and responds a bit louder
“sure i can”
hamzah climbs over you and plops himself besides you closer to the wall. he sighs contently
“mmm, thats the stuff”
“hamzah, i have the spins”
you mumble
“oh shoot”
“can you hold me?”
theres only silence after you say it. hamzah simply hums yes, while reaching over to bring you atop of him
“how does that feel?”
you respond by hum contently whilst nuzzling into his embrace
“yeah? good?”
he responds, in that sleepy voice you know so well
“yeah” you say, again higher than your usual voice
you can feel hamzahs heart beat faster against your chest.
he mindlessly runs his fingers lightly up and down your spine. your body instinctively shudders from the light tickle-ly sensation rippling throughout your whole body. reminding you of your inebriated state.
“you like that?” hamzah breathes almost inaudibly
youre only capable of squeaking out a feeble “mhm”
“yeah?” he repeats, slightly more confident this time
“yeah” you push out with a whine, while scooting you legs up higher up his torso, pushing your core against him harder than you intended.
immediately, but slightly hamzah lifts his hips into yours. hardly containing the groan he puts directly into your ear.
it feels like your heart is beating a million beats a minute. your whole body is scorching and your have zero thoughts. your bodies are moving by themselves. neither of you can contain the desire rushing south.
you whine again pushing your pussy harder onto his hardening bulge.
hamzah moans into your ear again slowly thrusting his dick back, attempting to find your slow rhythm.
the both of you are quietly panting at this point as you rub onto each other, the drugs absolutely distracting you to care to conceal your noises more carefully.
“mmph. just like that baby” hamzah whimpers louder this time
you move your hands to each side of his head to look at him. hamzah opens his half lidded eyes, and moves his hands from your back, to your jaw and finally pulls you in to kiss.
you moan into his mouth, keeping the same pace at your hips.
it was a rough kiss. it was passionate and messy. both of you are eating your moans desperately clinging to each other. contrasting the slow and sensual pace of your cunt dragging on his hard dick.
you fully sit up pulling away from his lips
“hamzah…” you whimper out dragging your hands down his stomach. hamzah sits up quickly with you, to desperately crash into your lips again.
“mmph” hamzah breathes out, breathing hard out of his nose while impatiently moving his hands to grope the softness of your ass. pressing and guiding you slightly quicker and harder onto his still clothed dick.
you whine louder while pulling on the waistband of his sweats. trying to pull just his pants off, he obliges by lifting his hips up high, shocking your clit with the quick and intense pressure.
your lips tear away from him and you gasp loudly, quickly grabbing his shoulders. hamzah groans clearly this time while dragging his sweats halfway down his thighs. he drops his hips back onto the mattress, whilst pulling your pajama pants as far as he can.
“takes these off” he gulps slightly muffling his order
you lift one knee at a time as he helps pull them fully off of your legs.
“there you go” he pants, pulling your cunt back into his lap.
you immediately start grinding on his now hot and sticky bulge just behind the thin material of his boxers.
“m’you feel so good” you whine while throwing your head back
hamzah moans with every quick breath, as he slides his rather cold hands up your shirt to grope your tits.
“hah-“ you pant as he molests your nipples
“god youre so sexy baby”
“hah- ah-”
“that feel good baby?”
“yeah” you whine
“yeah? fuck youre so wet” he grunts as his dick get wetter the more he talks
“that all for me baby?”
you bite your lip attempting to muffle your incessant whines and moans “yes hamzah”
“i need to hear you baby”
you let go of your bottom lip and repeat “all for you hamzah”
“all mine. no one else yeah?”
“no- no one else”
“yeah..youre mine-” hamzah repeats, almost as if hes talking to himself. he lifts his hand off of your tits to slap his hand hard against the plush of your ass.
“right pretty girl?”
you gasp and your voice quivers as you respond “y- yeah- yes”
youre grinding on his dick faster than what he was making you, making him throw his head back to groan.
“fuck just like that”
you’re panting and whimpering as hamzah breathes faster
“fu-fuck”
“god yes baby..”
“hamz’hamzah…im gunna-“ you cry out
“go ahead cum on me baby” hamzah pathetically whines out
the pleasure washes over your whole body, making the top of your head tingle. you jump at hamzah twitching under neath you as your cunt gets sopping wet from him cumming right in his boxers.
you cry out as he rides out the both of your climaxes. your uncovered tits press against his panting chest as you fall onto him. he grabs the small of your back impossibly tight. as if hes trying to ground himself from his climax.
your both breathing out of your mouth. he laughs tiredly and you sigh and laugh shortly after.
“you feel better now baby?”
you sit up looking at his face realizing your spins are gone.
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the problem with my n24 is that with the clock going around gradually i have periods of being awake at day and periods of being awake at night, but then because i tend to sleep really badly during night time i spend my daytime days being very tired and sluggish, and my nighttime days are much more productive and energetic. but i cant do just anything i want at night, so i cant get as much done as i have the energy and drive to. and then i also need sunlight to feel sane in the head, and so i hate missing out on daytime wakefulness. but then the sun is also why my sleep quality is much better during daytime. if im gonna stuck with a seemingly incurable sleep disorder since birth cant i at LEAST have the sleep be overall consistent? apparently not lmao
#i am multiply disabled but like. this thing? this thing right here? is THE greatest curse of my life#literally doesnt matter what other accommodations there are with the sleep disorder there#its one of those things i hate talking about normally cause its been THE major factor of shame throughout my life#cause god people assume you havent tried everything there is!!! and that youre not trying!!! or that its caused by bad habits!!!#and like because i tried to live normally despite it i suffered so much insomnia that im physically unable to force it anymore#burnt out and burnt to a crisp etc. the moment my sleep isnt catered to these days my whole body gets fucked up in new innovative ways#GOD I FEEL LIKE ALL I DO IS COMPLAINING but its just. hrghhhh!!!!#everytime it goes back to daytime i start fighting to keep it going for as long as possible#but my body doesnt wanna cooperate so i go to bed later and later#no matter how hard i fight to get up the same time everyday#so every night i sleep a shorter and shorter amount of time until it turns to insomnia. and then i crash.#this is basically why id stay awake for DAYS in a row growing up because i didnt trust myself to wake up for school lol#and thats ALSO why i developed the ability to converse in my sleep to sneak in sleep whenever i could without people yelling at me#which isnt good if you accidentally end up making plans with your mom you have no idea about until she calls asking where you are<3 LMAO#god im just frustrated cause my sleep schedule is beginning to turn back now. first noticeable delay today and by the end of this week...#itll likely turn back to night time. urghhhhhhhh. timezones all fine and dandy but im not reliably available to anyone lol#silvi talks#OR WHINES AS ALWAYS. time to paint my nails and then maybe screens
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i think when the doctor says stuff that contradicts their own life like "ive never been this far out" it's not lying or poor continuity, i think it's just memory
#i tell accidental lies about my own life and experiences daily#and im only 25#how the fuck is the doctor expected to remember all that#and even if theyve done it before#but dont remmeber#even if its not like evil mindwipe dont remember but just. regular. it's been 1000 years dont remember#if it feels to them like its the first time then for all intents and purposes of that line it is the first time#right?#i suppose thats up to your philosophy but according to mine#then it is the first time#also i think as a writer you have to pick and choose what continuities to honour or you'll drive yourself mad#i dont actually know if this particular one line was incorrect#i just think ive seen someone say so#but like im not actually entirely sure what the difference is between like#the end of the universe or the end of time or between universes or Whatever#so#what is 'farther out' who knows not me
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FUCK. NO. IT'S NOT TRUE. IT'S NOT TRUE. TELL ME IT'S NOT. THIS IS PROBABLY A JOKE.
He has a WHAT?!
My soul when he said he didn't have children but "no wife" wasn't included:
#kali fos#doran basu#worst spoiler to ever get (it's not SUPER plot important so it's fine but i'm still mad)#THATS IT IM ENDING MY FUCKING LIFE RIGHT THERE#call me renée de noailles because i'm homewreck this man's life#.. i have no words...
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the growler, after all these years of endless torment, has finally been documented to have constructed a comprehensible and doable fanfic outline and has made, relatively to its species, a commendable amount of progress into starting to actually write it down. this is an exceptional accomplishment for it and frankly, it should be praised extensively for being so cool and awesome an
#do not mind this. i am stroking my ego rn so i can today go to sleep believing im god. game breaking npd cheat#mine#by the way new bsd chapter just dropped woahh thats crazyyyy.. anyway gonna continue with rewatching rain code lol#no unfortunately im not gonna liveblog it any time soon maybe once we get to the end of investigation ill feel like it again......#i got nothing to say about halara and yuma looking at crime scenes. i do however have things to say about the explosive furroughs divorce#like what the fuck is going on with seth in chapter 1. im fucking shaking this bunnyboy ruined my life#few minutes after edit: nvm seth literally appears right now i forgor. back to screaming like a seagull over this wretched game on my side
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how many aura points do i get when ppl shut up when its my turn to talk and other 5 say they want to get to know me better 🙏🙏
#𝘞ꓴ𝗦𝝪𝖠𝖭𝖠𝝡𝗘 . . .#STORY TIME CS I MISS RAMBLING HERE HEH#i was at the youth group in my church (that im still fairly new to & have been to the meetings only 4 times)#and for like 4 out of the 4 times everyone stays quiet when i start talking and then later theyre all like Whoa😯😯#BULLIED KIDS WILL TRIUMPH!!!!!!!!!!!!#oke so last meeting we had this one dynamic game where we had to pair up w 1 or 2 ppl and ask each other creative questions#like literally anything aside from the boring ones like what is ur fav color and stuff#they didnt even finished saying the rules and like 5 ppl came to me Heh i might be goated!!!! :3#2 of them are oomfs atp theyre really sweet#i ended up pairing up w 2 girls and then we switched groups and i paired up w another girl#then we had to read our questions and responses right#when it was my turn every person who was interrupting the others & joking around immediately shut up CHAT I WAS SO TAKEN ABACK#Craxiest experience in my life#and there was this one boy (WHOS A SWEETHEART BTW i really wanna befriend him) who was like#“Mannn im not even gonna tell u guys the questions i asked my group after reis... theyre so creative 😭😭🙏”#MIND U some people asked goated wuestions before and after me and i was js like that audio#of course.... FUCK its genius...... why didnt i think of that.....#someone one deadbutt asked what did oomf think was the best type of dish soap#LIKE THATS TOO GOATED HELLO#when it was that boys turn to speak he said he didnt want to tell everyone his questions & responses cs he was still thinking of mine#THANK U TWIN 😭😭😭😭🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏#later on i had to speak again and everyone was silent again hehe#oh and theres this one guy who seems really fun to be around too and he calls me flower platonically which is really sweet#flashbacks to litvw hee Come back bru#he surfs and snowboards hes goated as flip i need to learn it from him someday#i need to get closer to the 2 oomfs i mentioned too theyre sooo cute#they both said they really wanted to know me better which is crazy cs me too 😢😢#i need to get closer to these 4 chat Heh#everyone actually cs theyre all really nice#end of update soovers and soov nation!!!!!!!!!
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just finished s2 of kaiji and it was good i really liked it but i hope i never see that fuckass pachinko machine again!!!
#i started ep 15 assuming hey the climactic battle against the swamp of despair is probably gonna be like 6 episodes max right#bc the op has hyoudou and roulette so there's a third game on the way#and from about the fourth episode on i kept going man it's gotta end next episode right they can't have That much more they can do with it#TWELVE EPISODES OF ONE GAME OF PACHINKO. YOU'RE JOKING#and watching it animated is one thing but im surprised fans of the manga didnt string him up in the street for this#im not joking i sunk cost fallacied my way through the entire thing in one sitting it was so much fucking pachinko#and spoilers spoilers spoilers but the BUILDING??? the BUILDING. jumping the shark a Little there to be so fr with you all#head in my hands kaiji i love you your life is ridiculous. the last episode having him blow his meager winnings on pachinko like the day#after was insane to me HAVENT YOU HAD ENOUGH???? I CERTAINLY HAVE#augh and like. guhh hes so nice hes such a nice protagonist im. in love with him a little bit#i do wish he was a Little more tempted by the money bc i liked that component earlier on#ah actually i think the main object of the fights becoming Figuring Out How To Out-Cheat The Enemy was less cool#don't get me wrong it was fun but i Really liked the more raw nobody knows whats going on vibes of the first two#and the group dynamics of rrps and the human derby were so delicious to me. also i wish s2 had more torture implements#the cheating thing makes sense progression-wise it's just a preference thing. the human derby hit me insanely hard#so it's kind of hard for anything to compete after that y'know?#actually very happy kaiji is still addicted to gambling at the end. like it's a happy ending bc he's debt free but like. he's not gonna#stay that way. and maybe thats a weird thing to be happy about but i think it's a choice that makes sense#he's got no reason to give it up and has become emotionally dependent on it. the series' concern w gambling as inherently self-destructive#and its sympathy towards ppl who see it as their last hope is like. really cool and idk i think it keeps kaiji real to never let that go#ok i just looked it up and the manga does continue. my ass will be reading it for sure#so idk how faithful the anime ending is but yeah. anyway i really really liked it this was good for me like emotionally#fkmt#ive heard the next arc is mahjong which is sick bc i like 80% know how mahjong works from yakuza#maybe this will help me grasp the final 20% (<- should just look up the rules or something)#what else. right i think it's funny that there's like 2 women total. The most allergic to women series ive ever seen and thats Impressive#the 2nd op is comedically cheeks like just Bad. very fun recognizing the band from the shitass 1st h.xh ed#im like 95% sure hidenari ugaki plays a side character in an episode but it's not listed on his behind the VAs so. alas.#2nd ed is fun bc while i Hate the trope it's doing i love seeing kaiji being put in Situations (clearly)#anyway. it's really good you guys should watch kaiji
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ok after listening to the english version of the death note musical....... unpopular opinion i think but i actually prefer the japanese version? dont get me wrong, with some of the songs i do think i might like the eng version more but..... idk i like the lyrics of the japanese version a lot more? and obviously i only know them via a translation but i know for a fact that the entire focus of certain songs are different between versions.
like in the english version of the game begins, L is talking about his strategy to track down kira. but in the japanese version, he's more so talking TO kira directly and saying that he's going to take him down from his "god" status to hell. or mortals and fools, which had a wholeee different vibe in the japanese version being called like a cruel dream. and uhhhh am i insane or was rem's song before she dies an entirely different song? cause in english it was like a sort of generic love song that was pretty chill considering the context, while in the japanese version it was this superrr melancholic and striking ballad she sang while floating around misa.
idk but i really do think i prefer the japanese version. but the og english version is good too!!! i really liked hurricane and the way it ends in particular
#in ''the way it ends'' btw light saying to L ''i've always stayed a step ahead; but you were with me all the way'' almost made me cry WHATTT#WHO MADE HIM FUCKING SAY THATTTTT THATS SUCH AN INSANE LYRIC#but anyway yeah i think i prefer the jp version a good amount#another thing was um. and this might be a stupid thing to be weird about but. L's actor was too passionate for my tastes#<- that sounds insane but if you know anime L you know what i mean right. like hes pretty reserved#and i felt in the japanese production i watched L's actor there was still a great performer and singer like putting work into those songs#while still keeping that air of L being more reserved and like. flat almost? i feel like the guy playing L in the eng version was too much#like ''im BELTTTINGGGGGG HOW IM GONNA FUCKING CATCCHHHH KIRA!!!!!!!!!!'' like bro calm down......#ITS A GOOD PERFORMANCE it just doesnt read as L to me. and like thats fine whatever its an adaptation#but also in the japanese version they still did that adaptation while making L feel more like himself. so idk man#but anyway I WANNA SEE THIS NEW LONDON PRODUCTION SOOOOOOOO BAD#IVE SEEN PHOTOS AND IT LOOKS SO GOOD THE SET IS SOOOOOO COOL LOOKING OML#i need to see this musical live at SOME point in my life. pleaseeee can we get a north america production after this#serena.txt#death note posting
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just a little personal anecdote/ thought dump in the tags..
#so there's this girl i work with - lets call her E. and i used fo work with her mum - lets call her J.#and E is overall v sweet. tho somewhat manipulative and a bit of a princess. ad i guess kind of my friend?#but only kind of bc she is younger and that maturity difference and also im her manager (we used to be the same rank)#but i was like really good friends with her mum - J. like we had v similar experiences and just clicked.#i dont talk to J anymore for several reasons (she stopped working. i got weird - like insecure and whatnot. she moved away).#and E and J do not get along very well#and like J was my friend first right. i was biased by her side of things and disagreements with E.#and tho my rship w J was kind of fucked up and i definitely carry a sadness for how that ended. it doesn't erase#that she was my friend and we got long v well and we clicked and i felt she understood me and vice versa#and similar life experiences and all that jazz etc#and i dont think it ever has occured to E that like me and her mum were actually friends??#bc like we'll be having a conversation and she'll start talking about her mum in a v negative way#and its just so so awkward#bc i know her mum isnt perfect and isnt necessarily fair to her - compared to her sister#but like E is very strong willed and she's still maturing and struggles to see past her own ego#and J is someone who definitely avoids conflict and confrontation but not by giving in - but by stepping back. if that makes sense#but thats why E and J dont get along. neither knows how to reach agreement or compromise#but anyways i understand J and respect her and it so awkward to sit there whilst E whines and trash talks#and it also makes me sad#and we're well past the pointof me saying anything#like a year ago. sure. and there were several times i did say 'hey. i know youre having feelings about this but like ur mum was my friend?#so i think its better if we dont discuss this' kind of thing#but it didnt stick. plus its kind of weird. bc its v much past tense now - like me and J WERE friends.#and like i think E thinks that she and I are good friends. which is also awkward.#bc we were coworkers so yeh. kind of friends by default - small team and o ly young ppl#but she's not rly the kind of person that i vibe with#and ive been making an effort to withdraw bc I'm her manager now and i need professional boundaries so i can do my job well#anyway thats kind of the end of my story#for some context J was previously my manager and briefly also her daughter's manager#and something ive never admitted fo anyone before but you probably picked up on already - i did have such a crush on J
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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Maybe I'm just cursed 🤪
#trigger warning for everything that follows in these tags btw#i am in need of some venting into the void#so im gonna vent#so uh#im almost out of time to find a new job before i have to leave my flat and move back with my parents#in the past 27 days ive filled in 189 job applications#6 of those led to interviews#so far 5 of those have been rejections#i even started looking at jobs that paid way less than i can feasibly live on just so i could at least cover rent and stay here but no luck#anyway thats already sucky#and then ive had to go off my adhd meds because of continuous and annoying fuck ups with my drs and im hesitant to work to fix it cause#might be moving counties anyway lol#my depression is the worst its ever been in about two years i struggle to want to exist day in and day out and#this morning i found out my dog - my baby who i dont live with because i moved cities - he lives with my parents#we found out he has an agressive cancer - and i have to now make choices i dont feel ready to make#and im just#do you ever feel like youre already one the ground but life wont stop kicking you#and i feel#so lonely#my friends are doing everything right my cousin who i live with is always checking in on me and i am still#convincing myself i am being a burden i am the problem i#my whole life is collapsing and i#even writing this all out in tags my brain is yelling at me for being an 'attention seeker' or smth and idk#i just wanna#idk#its complicated ig#im fighting#i am fighting so hard#i just want ppl to know im doing my best thats all#anyone who read all of this - hi - i hope youre having a beautiful day. its all going to be okay in the end 💛
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btw similar to the whole "if you try adderall at a party and it calms you down, get an adhd test" thing, if at some point in your life you try microdosing shrooms with a friend and end up feeling like a functional person for the first time in your life, get tested for depression. like yeah hallucinogens come with elation so youre probably gonna have some "this is the best ive ever felt in my life" vibes regardless, but like. if that in and of itself feels like finally breathing in for the first time in years, thats for sure a sign that something is up with your ability to process serotonin most of the time. feeling better than ever before should be a nice bonus, not a crushing weight off your chest
#fun fact there are currently multiple ongoing studies vis a vis the effectiveness of psilocybin on depression#both on its own and as a companion to ssris#psylocybin targets the 5ht2a serotonin receptors which wikipedia tells me are more numerous in the brains of those with depression#so like. if you spend most of your life feeling like your brain is an aquarium with a leak in it and serotonin is the water and your default#state is 'slightly damp gravel grinding painfully against itself' thats ummm not normal 👍#and on the flipside of that if you have depression that no other med has worked for and know a guy. its 1000% worth it#origibberish#also i say 'wikipedia tells me' as if i just looked it up but that all comes from a long night of spite filled research after i asked my#psychiatrist if we could use the fact that psylocybin worked for me as a basis to like. narrow down which legal antidepressant#might work instead of basically just throwing darts at a board every time#and after several minutes explaining to her that i was not just asking her to prescribe me shrooms but in a legal way she went#'ohhhh yeah no unfortunately theres been no research into that‚ yeah.... sorry......:)'#which. as far as 'lies you come up with on the spot to avoid having to say i dont know' go‚ that is. maybe the worst one to pick#like. 'no‚ thats not an option'? alright fine maybe theres some internal rules or something who knows#'theres no research' though just. immediately tanks any and all credibility 100% even on its own but considering the subject matter?#youre telling me. that humans. the famously curious species that researches fucking Everything. and also Loves playing with drugs. when#trying to figure out how to make drugs that make brains feel good. would not start with the drugs they already knew made brains feel good.#youre telling me that not one (1) singular scientist tried shrooms and went 'oh my god wait. i dont feel like im dying for the first time#ever. holy fuck i need to study this'#complete misplay. absolutely legendary fumble. there were so many ways to fuck it up and somehow you found the worst. congratulations#om the other hand though. really was an excellent setup for the punchline that is the voicemail i have from them saying she'd been fired LOL#they didnt say what for specifically but yknow. based on my own experiences i certainly have theories jebfksbfk#it was annoying in the moment but at the end of the day i have shrooms and she doesnt have the job so. whos laughing now emily KSBFKSBFKDN#this is what i mean though like. rn i feel fine. not on top of the world‚ not like a god#just. fine. i just dont feel like shit. i feel like i can do stuff if i want to‚ or chill peacefully and have it actually be. relaxing.#i dont feel like gravel right now‚ i feel like a person.#and god what a fucking relief it is#really i guess the moral overall is that if at any point you react to trying a new drug the same way an addict craving a hit for days would#then there maybe is something up with your brain chemistry because that means your default state of existence is comparable to that#of withdrawal. a famously shit experience
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I hate writing my own story but also love it.
Have i planned out the start.. No..
Have i planned out multiple arcs andhow it ends.... MAYBE...
PERHAPS...THERES A CHANCE... That i have...
#Im lying through my FUCKING TEETH#I HAVE PLANNED THE END OUT#AND MULTIPLE ARCS#I JUST NEED THE BEGINNING BUT IDK WHERE IT SHOULD START?#Well thats a lie too kind#Sorta#I just dont know hof early i start#Like from a bit earlier in his life or when he meets one of the other protagonists#You get it right#Yeah#my ocs#shitpost#probably adhd#ocs#own story#writing
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so it's like this.
you're young and you're scared and you're trapped in the feywild (happens to the best of us) with the love of your life. You're a half-elf and she's a fullblooded elf but you don't think about it very much because you're barely surviving day to day. And you get offered a deal to get yourself home again, and you take it. And the price of your freedom is that you leave her still trapped there, alone.
And then five years pass. And you age a century in that time, and you grow, and you change, and you find her again, and you're still in love, and you meet people, and you lose people, and you love them too, and you learn, and you start wanting a future again, and caring again, taking care of yourself, taking care of other people--
and after all of that, at the end of things, you find out the man responsible for all of the misery in your short, sad life has cast a spell which gives him complete control and ownership of you- mind, body, and soul (again. this happens to the best of us). And you are given the choice to stay under his thrall, and live a thousand years-- or to age and die, like humans do, and to be free of him.
And the love of your life is there, and you're married now, and she's still a full blooded elf, and you're still a half-elf, and you think about what that means a lot more than you used to.
And still, after everything you've learned-- you choose your freedom. You choose leaving her behind.
#dnd#dungeons & dragons#ttrpg#you understand why i am insane. about my dungeons and dragons character#the way that this all started because 'she' (clone. its a long story) wanted to be free from her small town & her family's ideas of her#and so she inadvertently left THEM all behind too.#like bro watch out i think the cycle is repeating itself!!!!!!!!!#honestly girlie has to learn that passing out of someone's life is not always a betrayal#like she NEVER got over it!#giving pesche a whole speech about how loss leaves a hole behind that is filled in by rage & grief & impulse & violence like#ok. well. loss is inevitable and i think you have a very fucked up way of looking at it that despite all of your personal growth has maybe#only gotten worse over time because now you have things you care about again?#like i think she made the right choice for herself.... if the lesson she had 'learned' was to subjugate herself to Ohdran for 900 years in#the name of not 'leaving people' again. that would have been tragic. learning that love is good and precious and it matters even though#you are inevitably going to lose it. thats the real lesson. and she is learning it. she HAS learned it! she's never going to hide herself#away from the world to avoid losing people again. but she hasn't like... attached the lesson to herself yet lol. 'i accept i might lose my#friends & even though it breaks my heart im still glad to know them. if i leave people (read: LITERALLY DIE) im evil tho.' girl...#i was pretty bummed about it at the time like we have been 3 years on the endless train of suffering cant she just have a happy ending.#one thousand years of elf marriage.#but this is cool too like MAN the kind of organic storytelling moments that evolve out of ttrpgs are so crazy. we couldnt have planned this#and yet. perfect full circle moment.#mm campaign#it's alive!#harris#fisher
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it’s finally starting to settle in that christmas is in 3 fucking days
#like. it doesnt even feel like winter#maybe i’m js getting older but last i checked i was counting down the hours and it was getting hard to sleep at night#it was a “its finally cold out! my favorite time of year! we’re off on break! christmas is almost here!”#n now its a “oh right christmas. free stuff”#my parents apparently have something big planned for my 18th this year and i can’t bring myself to even look forward to it?#like. yeah. my fucking eighteenth birthday is in like a week#and the start of a new year is less of a celebration and more of a sigh of relief#its more of a “yippee. another year. at least it’s a fresh start.”#i think this is the 2020 effect#2020 was 4 years ago guys. that is absolutely insane#its not even nostalgia it’s just “wow. okay.”#its like getting punched in the gut yk#2020 was the last year the holidays felt right.#now my whole life feels like a blur and i cannot believe it was four whole years ago#and now we’re entering 2024 with nothing but see you again by tyler the creator and a few loose hopes#the election is this year#maybe things will fix themselves and go back to normal#thats all ive ever wanted since 2020 ended. was for things to just be normal#after the masking mandates were lifted i felt like maybe they could#but im just kinda being rushed through life#and i wish it would just be normal.
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yall.... I think you're actually getting an update for 1cdat... no fucking way! after a year... and... some... more :')
I'm actually gonna post it in a day or two... or maybe even in less than 24h... depends on whether I feel like making a teaser or not hahahaha (ig I could aways just make the moodboard for it anyways hahaha, I'll see what happens)
Well... those are some good news about that damned smau... but.. that also means that now I have to start the second part of what was supposed to be a one parter that I separated in two once I realized that... maybe... just maybe... it's not a good idea to post a 14k+ chapter like that with the spead i write at 😭😭😭 I can't possible make ppl wait for two years... one was enough LOL
#lilith.txt#1cdat#I ACTUALLY FINISHED IT? WOW#ok... i might revise it a bit....#BUT ITS ACTUALLY DONE I DONT BELIEVE THAT I ACTUALLY FINISHED IT!!!!!#i wanted to post it not much past a year since the last release... but... what can you do#hope everyone is enjoying the new album and is ready for some heavy angst... this is a rather depressing chapter and a big pivot in MCs life#i wanted to get it right... and tbh i was planning to have two different scenes happen in one chapter... that was silly of me#hihihi#with my writing style? impossible LOL#also... i use ellipses too much... take them away from me. why do i make so many pauses like that tf#ik it goes with the story but too much is too much man lol#also... thank god i prepared the chapter template in advance like..... a year ago....#i forgot how i did stuff... its been so long 😭#im not back back but one heafty chapter is coming... next... one that starts angsty but ends on a brighter note i hope#also... how the fuck do you write nice dialogue???? thats my fucking weakness dude???? i always get lost in the sauce 😭#soon 🥹
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