#THATS IT IM ENDING MY FUCKING LIFE RIGHT THERE
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.ೃ࿐ Hi guys..! Im back finally after MONTHS. Uhm yea ive been like hella busy but im hoping to get more fics nd stuff out soon!
Warnings; MINORS DNI pls.. , Basically clingy Eren , lowk hes weird nd yea, Afab reader..! Whatever this is, is under the cut!
clingy best friend Eren! Will always without fail go anywhere you’re going. One time you were on a girls night and the only way you could get out of your house without knocking eren out was bringing him with you. But it turned out fine because he was accepted a bit TOO well because well.. all of your friends want to fuck him!
clingy best friend Eren! Loves when you show him little pics of you with your pet(s) he loves all the Unnecessary spoiling you do to your pet(s).
clingy best friend Eren! Definitely sends you the stupidest freaking instagram reels or Tiktoks ever at the most ungodly hours. Mostly just to annoy you and also because he finds it so funny. (He has the humor of a teenage boy)
clingy best friend Eren! Most likely works a blue collar job / a trade (welding, the plant, construction, ect) so he makes MONEY. Before you guys got close he used to just waste whatever was left on his gold digger ex girlfriend but after he left her and met you he spoiled you ROTTEN
clingy best friend Eren! Loves when you call him over to your house just to pick out a cute outfit for a date, going out with your friends, work parties, parties, ect! It usually ends in him fucking you in every outfit before you go.
clingy best friend Eren! HATES when other men are around you. He will purposely embarrass you or intimidate the guy just so he can have you to himself. He has even gone as far as beating one of your dates up just so you could be “stood up” and come running to his door looking all pretty with tears streaming down your face
clingy best friend Eren! Fingered you so hard yet so soft after you ran to his doorstep making sure you see him as your ‘savior’.
“Mhm.. thats right cum on my fingers baby” he says with a smile as he watched your face contort and your back arch as you came. He then looked at you with a soft but sinister smile, peppering the back of your neck with kisses as he increased his pace feeling you tighten on his fingers. “Hah f-fuck ‘ren s’too much” he chuckles deeply at your muffled whines “no no s’not baby..” he says while pounding three of his big fingers into your tight cunt. Your hands are gripping onto his couch for dear life, your head is buryed into the armrest of his couch, and your drooling..? This is like the best lucid dream ever to Eren but its not a dream its real he’s pounding you so hard making you squirt without even putting his dick inside this is new and will definitely be happening again.
clingy best friend eren! Will give you aftercare and all the sweet cuddles and stuff after you came your brain out. Then for the next few weeks he bullies you for cumming so much for your best friend and your only savior is the fact he initiated it and that he came in his pants
༉‧₊˚. Hi guys! Uhm i fear this may be a horrible come back but yea imma start uploading on here and Ao3 maybe? But i lowk like this style of writing.. i think.
#loverzzlane#eren jaeger#eren aot#eren x reader#eren smut#eren jeager smut#attack on titan#eren x you#eren yeager
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thinking more about haruka and yumi,,,,,,cus she did regularly visit her throughout the years at sunflower and she was always there even if it was a lie
#///#and haruka is like 9 in the first game right ?#so thats a lot of time they spent together#I know it meant a lot to yumi and the fact that she was able to at least be in harukas life#its just crazy how they never mention her beside name again#like....thats the only woman that kiryu ever loved too !!#its just so unfortunate how she was not in yakuza 0 at alllll !!!#and how tf were we supposed to recognize her name being brought up like it doesnt make sense#anyways im disappointed in rgg for that#but they hate women so what do I expect#yuki being kiryus LI in ishin was really funny but I wish it was yumi v_v))#like if the story says she was really important but never shows it then !!!! im gonna make it happen !!!!!#they didn't have nishiki as kiryus brother but their bond in the end made my fucking heart hurt
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i think when the doctor says stuff that contradicts their own life like "ive never been this far out" it's not lying or poor continuity, i think it's just memory
#i tell accidental lies about my own life and experiences daily#and im only 25#how the fuck is the doctor expected to remember all that#and even if theyve done it before#but dont remmeber#even if its not like evil mindwipe dont remember but just. regular. it's been 1000 years dont remember#if it feels to them like its the first time then for all intents and purposes of that line it is the first time#right?#i suppose thats up to your philosophy but according to mine#then it is the first time#also i think as a writer you have to pick and choose what continuities to honour or you'll drive yourself mad#i dont actually know if this particular one line was incorrect#i just think ive seen someone say so#but like im not actually entirely sure what the difference is between like#the end of the universe or the end of time or between universes or Whatever#so#what is 'farther out' who knows not me
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FUCK. NO. IT'S NOT TRUE. IT'S NOT TRUE. TELL ME IT'S NOT. THIS IS PROBABLY A JOKE.
He has a WHAT?!
My soul when he said he didn't have children but "no wife" wasn't included:
#kali fos#doran basu#worst spoiler to ever get (it's not SUPER plot important so it's fine but i'm still mad)#THATS IT IM ENDING MY FUCKING LIFE RIGHT THERE#call me renée de noailles because i'm homewreck this man's life#.. i have no words...
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...
#oh lads. lads. lads. lads. im being sucked back into the world of academia#i dont even kno what happened. a week ago i was crying bc i was like: this is impossible. i simply cannot do this.#and then i went into the lab sunday and miraculously i was able to easily read some papers. like i dont kno how to discribe how baffling it#was. like reading papers is like pulling teeth and this was somehow easy. i think maybe it was bc i let myself get distracted and wander#thru it. and then after that i got so much done this week and i was tired but having fun. and like the thing is: i fucking love evolution#it's like puzzling out the code for life in both a metaphical and literal sense. its fucking incredible. and my project is also very#interesting. if a bit intimidating in its scope. ya kno. just in the way photosynthesis is generally intimidating#but i think i have a strain thats lost chlf which is really interesting and my advisor said we might have the money to try some crispr for#my cyano children. hypothetically. maybe. and i get to do some poking around in genomes. theres so so much to love there#how could i possibly want to do anything else? and yet. and yet. here at the end of the week im so wrung out and i kno i just have to start#again on sunday and i kno im gonna have to step it up in terms of reading if i want to make it through a committee meeting and proposal#defense. not to even mention a comprehensive exam. and what do i get at the end of all this? a lifetime of academia draining my life away.#bc what i do is so academic. so whats the point? its just so frustrating.#and on top of that ive got all this data from my old lab that i kno i have to work on. and i will. i will. but with what time?#anyway the point is. i can see a path forward now where i stay here and decide the pain will be worth it despite not knowing where im going#after that. im just so tried#but right now it feels like im gonna stay until someone kicks me out#but that doesnt exactly make me feel happy. ugh. but if i stay i want to get my old pi to come here and give a seminar. ill warn her how#intimidating the department is tho. we've had 2 talks in the last 2 weeks that were... not good. particularly the one this week#like she couldnt answer a single question they thru at her and didnt seem to kno her data sets. it was hard to watch. anyway. i just want#to see my academic mother again. send me back to the desert! let me rot in a field full of sage#but send me back to the hills of an older mountain range. where i can climb sandstone cliffs and lay in carpets of moss. except i wouldnt do#that bc of all the ticks and threat of lyme disease...#anyway. im still tired. still sad. and there doesnt seem to b a way out#unrelated
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the growler, after all these years of endless torment, has finally been documented to have constructed a comprehensible and doable fanfic outline and has made, relatively to its species, a commendable amount of progress into starting to actually write it down. this is an exceptional accomplishment for it and frankly, it should be praised extensively for being so cool and awesome an
#do not mind this. i am stroking my ego rn so i can today go to sleep believing im god. game breaking npd cheat#mine#by the way new bsd chapter just dropped woahh thats crazyyyy.. anyway gonna continue with rewatching rain code lol#no unfortunately im not gonna liveblog it any time soon maybe once we get to the end of investigation ill feel like it again......#i got nothing to say about halara and yuma looking at crime scenes. i do however have things to say about the explosive furroughs divorce#like what the fuck is going on with seth in chapter 1. im fucking shaking this bunnyboy ruined my life#few minutes after edit: nvm seth literally appears right now i forgor. back to screaming like a seagull over this wretched game on my side
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every few years im reminded that the war of the worlds stage show exists which is never good because i always find something new to hate about it
#missives#the war of the worlds#jeff wayne#watched a few clips of the latest tour and brooooo why does it suck so bad#it doesnt have to be this way. make me the single divine arbiter of what goes into the show and ill fix it i promise#lile obviously it is successful somehow but that doesnt make it good#rip it from jeff's clammy little hands and make it into a proper musical please please please. they were on the right track in 2016#with the dominion theatre production#its been downhill ever since#like. its just a bunch of decrepit old men way past their prime who desperately need to retire (looking at jeff and herbie flowers and JH)#and a stupid fucken hologram of an actor nobody likes. put a real actor there PLEASE#its soooo painful watching these genuinely talented performers being forced to rush their lines#anyway! my latest gripe#every new iteration of brave new world ive seen since 2018 keeps making the song worse#2018 is on thin fucking ice bevause i like the cast so much but thats where it all began im pretty sure#turning the end of the song into this weird combo love duet and whole cast ensemble song (life begins again) out of fucken nowhere#its the artilleryman's song holy shit get that out of here!#and i get that the latest tour is the 'post covid' life begins again tour or w/e but holy FUCK#can someone please explain to me why they now even have the other cast members on the screen saying lines at the same time#as the artilleryman#e.g. im not trying to tell you what to be#and its going to have to start with me and you etc etc etc#its annoying and even worse it doesnt make sense!!! why are they there!!! why are they saying the lines!! those lines have a very#specific meaning within the context of the song#idk it just seems like the song keeps being stripped of all its original meaning and i really like it so it's driving me bonkers#anywya. ANYWAY
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I like doomed narratives but my ultimate Wizard101 NPC ending is the Young Wizard living in a nice secluded place with all their friends (all the necromancers, Ceren, Nolan, fuck you Boris you can live outside, Dasein, the Schismist Soldier, Mellori and the Bat) like a little village but they're all roommates and they do things like farming and brewing hot tea on Sundays free from Ambrose and the rest of the damned Spiral
#ik thats a lot of people HALSJDLDHDH#but in my version of Wizard101 that's everyone's ending. they get to heal together#i know i said all of the necromancers but i think i like it better if duncan was like maybe separate#not because i hate him but because im a huge believer of not being able to heal when the person who hurt you is right there#AND EVEN THOUGH WE DIDNT HURT HIM ON PURPOSE we're still a source of his trauma and i cant see duncan living with us right away yknow#like maybe later on in life but i like him better on his own off in the spiral to see the world and humble himself#*with artur and susie because he loves them#BUT YEA my wizard lives with everyone else at the Very End. fuck you ambrose /lh but /srs#the odd ones out honestly are ceren and nolan bc iirc in canon they dont go thru any type of shit. theyre fine#the rest of the group i mentioned have FLASHBACKS. theres some Trauma Periodt. in their cereal for breakfast#but i mean ceren and nolan can come if they want its fine#i MEAN IT about boris he CANNOT COME#yeah i said the schismist soldier. thats just my personal fantasy ik he hates us#here i am saying duncan cant be around us but thr schismist soldier ABSOLUTELY cannot be around us. but in my world he can! im a hypocrite!#itd be funny if he was still like. just a liiitle bit obsessed but its not because of his inferiority and god complexes he's just gay for us#......yeah im biased okay look he's hot leave me alone /lh#wizard101#w101#wiz101#text posts
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as badly as i want to avoid my mom she is making it extremely difficult
#i feel really bad that im so angry at her and she doesnt even know it#but my entire living situation is making me miserable right now and its her fault#she charges me $50 in rent every week and shes increasing it to $125 a week at the end of the month#the only reason this is happening is because she FORCED ME to drop out and the only other alternative was that i had to work full time + pa#rent.............. but like at my job even if im working 40 hrs a week ill only be making abt $900 a month#so i will barely have anything leftover for myself after rent#and i cannot get a second job bc i frankly can not handle it at all + what hours would i even work#and my mom refuses to understand that the reason i had to drop out is bc i am so depressed and so suicidal and i just dont want to live#she doesnt acknowledge that im disabled and severely mentally ill#every time i try to talk about my mental health she treats me like im such a burden to her even though i literally never tell her anything#personal anymore bc she just doesnt listen or care#ALSO she FORCED ME to move across the country and transfer schools when i really did not want (hence why i flunked all of my classes bc i d#not care) but like. everything thats wrong in my life rn is bc i do not want ot live where im living and theres no way for me to go back to#texas and also i dont rly wanna live w my dad either#but anyways. this whole situation would be better if my mom was using me paying rent as an actual lesson in adult respinsibility#but it's really just a punishment because i cant function the way she wants me to#and im over it#so fucking over it why am i such a pussy why cant i just die
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ok after listening to the english version of the death note musical....... unpopular opinion i think but i actually prefer the japanese version? dont get me wrong, with some of the songs i do think i might like the eng version more but..... idk i like the lyrics of the japanese version a lot more? and obviously i only know them via a translation but i know for a fact that the entire focus of certain songs are different between versions.
like in the english version of the game begins, L is talking about his strategy to track down kira. but in the japanese version, he's more so talking TO kira directly and saying that he's going to take him down from his "god" status to hell. or mortals and fools, which had a wholeee different vibe in the japanese version being called like a cruel dream. and uhhhh am i insane or was rem's song before she dies an entirely different song? cause in english it was like a sort of generic love song that was pretty chill considering the context, while in the japanese version it was this superrr melancholic and striking ballad she sang while floating around misa.
idk but i really do think i prefer the japanese version. but the og english version is good too!!! i really liked hurricane and the way it ends in particular
#in ''the way it ends'' btw light saying to L ''i've always stayed a step ahead; but you were with me all the way'' almost made me cry WHATTT#WHO MADE HIM FUCKING SAY THATTTTT THATS SUCH AN INSANE LYRIC#but anyway yeah i think i prefer the jp version a good amount#another thing was um. and this might be a stupid thing to be weird about but. L's actor was too passionate for my tastes#<- that sounds insane but if you know anime L you know what i mean right. like hes pretty reserved#and i felt in the japanese production i watched L's actor there was still a great performer and singer like putting work into those songs#while still keeping that air of L being more reserved and like. flat almost? i feel like the guy playing L in the eng version was too much#like ''im BELTTTINGGGGGG HOW IM GONNA FUCKING CATCCHHHH KIRA!!!!!!!!!!'' like bro calm down......#ITS A GOOD PERFORMANCE it just doesnt read as L to me. and like thats fine whatever its an adaptation#but also in the japanese version they still did that adaptation while making L feel more like himself. so idk man#but anyway I WANNA SEE THIS NEW LONDON PRODUCTION SOOOOOOOO BAD#IVE SEEN PHOTOS AND IT LOOKS SO GOOD THE SET IS SOOOOOO COOL LOOKING OML#i need to see this musical live at SOME point in my life. pleaseeee can we get a north america production after this#serena.txt#death note posting
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Applied for a job and applying to community college. It feels weird. It feels like I'm 18 again, even though I'm turning 23 in less than a week. It feels promising though
#so when i was 18 i was supposed to go to college!#i was. i was accepted and everything. i had plans#i was going to go for sign language interpreting. i had hella scholarships#and then. they went bankrupt. spring break before i was supposed to attend#it was unfortunate. i didnt have time to try to attend another college. and asl interpreting isnt a common course#so i moved out of my parents house a few weeks after graduation and just started working#it was great. until i moved to philadelphia#where i lost all of my money and tanked my credit score by being poor#so now im back with my parents#what a horrible cyclical turn of events#and for the longest time ive been trying to get out again. move out. get back to work#i have a job now but it barely pays uh. anything#and i was fighting so hard to escape that i didnt stop to think that i dont have the means to and i would just end up not great again#so i decided to apply for a front desk and marketing position at the same place my older sibling works#an art center. a place that i really fucking love tbh#and a nearby community college has free college for people that were essential workers during the pandemic#i think i would have to live in this state for a year tho so maybe not college right now#but maybe someday. if i get this marketing/front desk position then im sure ill stick around for a bit#idk im having weird conflicting feelings about trying to put down roots here#but i cant leave anytime soon. thats kind of hitting me#i dont have money. or a good credit score. i will not be accepted to an apartment#and even if i am i will not be able to pay rent#so i might as well get a job i like. not just a placeholder#see about going to college. especially if its free#and instead of like. waiting for my life to start. maybe do something with it while i have it#if that makes sense#suicide tw ahead-#i didnt think i was going to make it past age 18. and now im nearly 23#so im living every day with no plans#every day is a lovely little gift that i never expected to have so now its a task to try and figure out what to do with it
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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Maybe I'm just cursed 🤪
#trigger warning for everything that follows in these tags btw#i am in need of some venting into the void#so im gonna vent#so uh#im almost out of time to find a new job before i have to leave my flat and move back with my parents#in the past 27 days ive filled in 189 job applications#6 of those led to interviews#so far 5 of those have been rejections#i even started looking at jobs that paid way less than i can feasibly live on just so i could at least cover rent and stay here but no luck#anyway thats already sucky#and then ive had to go off my adhd meds because of continuous and annoying fuck ups with my drs and im hesitant to work to fix it cause#might be moving counties anyway lol#my depression is the worst its ever been in about two years i struggle to want to exist day in and day out and#this morning i found out my dog - my baby who i dont live with because i moved cities - he lives with my parents#we found out he has an agressive cancer - and i have to now make choices i dont feel ready to make#and im just#do you ever feel like youre already one the ground but life wont stop kicking you#and i feel#so lonely#my friends are doing everything right my cousin who i live with is always checking in on me and i am still#convincing myself i am being a burden i am the problem i#my whole life is collapsing and i#even writing this all out in tags my brain is yelling at me for being an 'attention seeker' or smth and idk#i just wanna#idk#its complicated ig#im fighting#i am fighting so hard#i just want ppl to know im doing my best thats all#anyone who read all of this - hi - i hope youre having a beautiful day. its all going to be okay in the end 💛
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btw similar to the whole "if you try adderall at a party and it calms you down, get an adhd test" thing, if at some point in your life you try microdosing shrooms with a friend and end up feeling like a functional person for the first time in your life, get tested for depression. like yeah hallucinogens come with elation so youre probably gonna have some "this is the best ive ever felt in my life" vibes regardless, but like. if that in and of itself feels like finally breathing in for the first time in years, thats for sure a sign that something is up with your ability to process serotonin most of the time. feeling better than ever before should be a nice bonus, not a crushing weight off your chest
#fun fact there are currently multiple ongoing studies vis a vis the effectiveness of psilocybin on depression#both on its own and as a companion to ssris#psylocybin targets the 5ht2a serotonin receptors which wikipedia tells me are more numerous in the brains of those with depression#so like. if you spend most of your life feeling like your brain is an aquarium with a leak in it and serotonin is the water and your default#state is 'slightly damp gravel grinding painfully against itself' thats ummm not normal 👍#and on the flipside of that if you have depression that no other med has worked for and know a guy. its 1000% worth it#origibberish#also i say 'wikipedia tells me' as if i just looked it up but that all comes from a long night of spite filled research after i asked my#psychiatrist if we could use the fact that psylocybin worked for me as a basis to like. narrow down which legal antidepressant#might work instead of basically just throwing darts at a board every time#and after several minutes explaining to her that i was not just asking her to prescribe me shrooms but in a legal way she went#'ohhhh yeah no unfortunately theres been no research into that‚ yeah.... sorry......:)'#which. as far as 'lies you come up with on the spot to avoid having to say i dont know' go‚ that is. maybe the worst one to pick#like. 'no‚ thats not an option'? alright fine maybe theres some internal rules or something who knows#'theres no research' though just. immediately tanks any and all credibility 100% even on its own but considering the subject matter?#youre telling me. that humans. the famously curious species that researches fucking Everything. and also Loves playing with drugs. when#trying to figure out how to make drugs that make brains feel good. would not start with the drugs they already knew made brains feel good.#youre telling me that not one (1) singular scientist tried shrooms and went 'oh my god wait. i dont feel like im dying for the first time#ever. holy fuck i need to study this'#complete misplay. absolutely legendary fumble. there were so many ways to fuck it up and somehow you found the worst. congratulations#om the other hand though. really was an excellent setup for the punchline that is the voicemail i have from them saying she'd been fired LOL#they didnt say what for specifically but yknow. based on my own experiences i certainly have theories jebfksbfk#it was annoying in the moment but at the end of the day i have shrooms and she doesnt have the job so. whos laughing now emily KSBFKSBFKDN#this is what i mean though like. rn i feel fine. not on top of the world‚ not like a god#just. fine. i just dont feel like shit. i feel like i can do stuff if i want to‚ or chill peacefully and have it actually be. relaxing.#i dont feel like gravel right now‚ i feel like a person.#and god what a fucking relief it is#really i guess the moral overall is that if at any point you react to trying a new drug the same way an addict craving a hit for days would#then there maybe is something up with your brain chemistry because that means your default state of existence is comparable to that#of withdrawal. a famously shit experience
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I hate writing my own story but also love it.
Have i planned out the start.. No..
Have i planned out multiple arcs andhow it ends.... MAYBE...
PERHAPS...THERES A CHANCE... That i have...
#Im lying through my FUCKING TEETH#I HAVE PLANNED THE END OUT#AND MULTIPLE ARCS#I JUST NEED THE BEGINNING BUT IDK WHERE IT SHOULD START?#Well thats a lie too kind#Sorta#I just dont know hof early i start#Like from a bit earlier in his life or when he meets one of the other protagonists#You get it right#Yeah#my ocs#shitpost#probably adhd#ocs#own story#writing
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so it's like this.
you're young and you're scared and you're trapped in the feywild (happens to the best of us) with the love of your life. You're a half-elf and she's a fullblooded elf but you don't think about it very much because you're barely surviving day to day. And you get offered a deal to get yourself home again, and you take it. And the price of your freedom is that you leave her still trapped there, alone.
And then five years pass. And you age a century in that time, and you grow, and you change, and you find her again, and you're still in love, and you meet people, and you lose people, and you love them too, and you learn, and you start wanting a future again, and caring again, taking care of yourself, taking care of other people--
and after all of that, at the end of things, you find out the man responsible for all of the misery in your short, sad life has cast a spell which gives him complete control and ownership of you- mind, body, and soul (again. this happens to the best of us). And you are given the choice to stay under his thrall, and live a thousand years-- or to age and die, like humans do, and to be free of him.
And the love of your life is there, and you're married now, and she's still a full blooded elf, and you're still a half-elf, and you think about what that means a lot more than you used to.
And still, after everything you've learned-- you choose your freedom. You choose leaving her behind.
#dnd#dungeons & dragons#ttrpg#you understand why i am insane. about my dungeons and dragons character#the way that this all started because 'she' (clone. its a long story) wanted to be free from her small town & her family's ideas of her#and so she inadvertently left THEM all behind too.#like bro watch out i think the cycle is repeating itself!!!!!!!!!#honestly girlie has to learn that passing out of someone's life is not always a betrayal#like she NEVER got over it!#giving pesche a whole speech about how loss leaves a hole behind that is filled in by rage & grief & impulse & violence like#ok. well. loss is inevitable and i think you have a very fucked up way of looking at it that despite all of your personal growth has maybe#only gotten worse over time because now you have things you care about again?#like i think she made the right choice for herself.... if the lesson she had 'learned' was to subjugate herself to Ohdran for 900 years in#the name of not 'leaving people' again. that would have been tragic. learning that love is good and precious and it matters even though#you are inevitably going to lose it. thats the real lesson. and she is learning it. she HAS learned it! she's never going to hide herself#away from the world to avoid losing people again. but she hasn't like... attached the lesson to herself yet lol. 'i accept i might lose my#friends & even though it breaks my heart im still glad to know them. if i leave people (read: LITERALLY DIE) im evil tho.' girl...#i was pretty bummed about it at the time like we have been 3 years on the endless train of suffering cant she just have a happy ending.#one thousand years of elf marriage.#but this is cool too like MAN the kind of organic storytelling moments that evolve out of ttrpgs are so crazy. we couldnt have planned this#and yet. perfect full circle moment.#mm campaign#it's alive!#harris#fisher
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