#TERRORIZING YOU SO THAT YOU KNOW WE ARE ONE AND THE SAME
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theriu · 22 hours ago
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Now that we’ve reached the end of Dracula, I have some thoughts on a certain scene. (Major spoilers below if you haven’t read the book or the ending yet!)
I think it’s so, so important that Quincey Morris honors Mina’s request to promise that he will kill her if she turns, especially in light of Jonathan’s determination not to.
Occasional posts talk about how Jonathan was determined to follow Mina into vampirism, and speak of it in glowing terms as a sign of his love for her. And I agree, Jonathan’s love for his wife is beautiful and admirable. But in this one case, at least, his means of showing that love is shortsighted and selfish.
What would be gained by him following Mina into her doom? He wants her to not be alone? This is as sadly misguided as those claiming they will go to hell in order to be with their loved ones. Hell and vampirism are by nature isolating because in them, there is no longer any capacity for love or goodness or comfort. All good impulses and deeds are lost to those who become vampires. We see it even in how Dracula himself, a foul and wretched monster, seemed to find a breath of peace as he died—for JUST A MOMENT, his soul was freed of the curse and he could FEEL peace again. Mina would be no less alone with Jonathan also chained to the curse of vampirism. She wouldn’t even be capable of grieving his fate, because Mina and Jonathan would be completely overshadowed by the evil that consumes people who are turned into vampires.
And aside from that, Jonathan’s love is selfish because even if he could comfort Mina in her curse by joining her, he would still knowingly and willingly be dooming countless other people to suffer as he did. He would willingly become the same monster as Dracula, capable of terrorizing and murdering across the centuries, causing the same pain he and his friends and the Romanian villagers have felt countless times over. And he would knowingly and willingly be allowing the vampire that was once Mina to do the same by breaking his promise to kill her. And the fact that he hid his intentions from Mina suggests he already knows that, but was willing to allow it for the sake of the one person HE loves best.
That is why I find his actions to be selfish rather than noble. He'd be sacrificing the lives of countless people he doesn't personally care for just for the sake of the one person he personally cares for. The common denominator is the idea that only what he loves matters.
And that’s why Quincey’s promise is so important, and why his act of giving his life to help kill Dracula is even more noble. He not only destroyed Dracula and saved Mina—he saved Jonathan from himself, and who knows how many innocents from them both. He saved Jonathan from making a horrific mistake that would have doomed both Mina and Jonathan, as well as their victims, to a living hell.
And I like to think that, once the danger was past and Jonathan could contemplate things and talk it over with Mina (after all, these details were all available in the diary entries they collected), he would understand better what a mistake Quincey ultimately saved him from, and how Quincey Morris was an even greater hero than anyone could ever comprehend. Because Quincey Morris didn't stop one vampire.
He stopped three.
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hford0311 · 2 days ago
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In my silence I adored you
*Avenger's Tower Fanfic*
Pairing: Bucky Barnes x fem!reader
Hey girl, what-cha doing down there? Dancing alone while I live right above you; I can hear your music playing; I can feel your body swaying
It didn't take a super soldier to hear the music that came out of your apartment. However, the one above you did understand the lyrics, not like most of the others that lived in the tower. He didn't mind it, sometimes, it became a soothing thing when the nightmares woke him up. The vibrations of the music and lyrics gave him was a micro-confirmation that he was no longer in the Soviet Union. No longer trapped under any ice.
"Okay, but how come you can't go one day without it?" Sam asked about your music during breakfast. You shrugged, "I have my space. It mostly stays in my space. Just like Redwing." Bucky snickered. Sam slightly aggressively turned towards his best friend-enemy man. "You live above her! What are your thoughts?" Bucky was slightly started by the question. "I-I don't mind it." You stuck your tongue out at Sam, putting your dishes in sink, and walked away. "You said you only like forties music." Sam accused as soon as you were out of ear shot. Bucky avoided eye contact before he cleared his throat, "I have to train with Steve."
One floor below me, you don't even know me, I love you
When that and a combination of other things didn't work, keep falling back into night terrors, Bucky would sit in front of his glass windows, curtains pulled back. At first, his eyes would wander the city lights. Eventually, his eyes would shift down below and see your shadow swaying and dancing to the music that was nearly never ending. It was a constant, consistency made reality easier to believe in. You were starting to become that in Bucky's word, even though you never would've known. He never mentioned it.
If you look out your window tonight, pulling the string with the note that's attached to my heart; Read how many times I saw you, how in my silence I adored you.
Sure, Bucky and you met occasionally during missions and Avengers' (aka Tony Stark's) parties. However, neither of you ever got beyond glances, brief introductions, and the incredibly rare argument-- sorry polite conversation-- that Steve, Sam, or Nat would drag the pair of you into. Both of you would roll your eyes at the dragger and their "opponent." Plus, the pair of you would almost always be against whatever Sam was arguing. Bucky appreciated the team effort from you. You were also a bit of a history buff which sometimes led to his ears pricking up to some type of familiarity that he could confidently nod along with or it would help him connect the dots with events that didn't include the Winter Soldier.
It took one of these little rantings of knowledge you had, Steve and Sam saw the captivated look that Bucky distantly gave you. They both also knew it wasn't just the words coming out of your mouth that Bucky was interested in, either. The pair of men shared an look. They knew their mission.
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"Alright boys, it's been fun." You said getting up, heading towards your apartment. "Don't have too much fun without me." You waved as you hit the stairs.
The duo of men encircled Bucky. "You have a problem." Same stated as if it was obvious and something much worse than actuality. "Sam-" Steve tried to soften the blow. "No, he is in love with that girl and he hasn't said more than five words to her." Sam insisted. Bucky gave them both a confused stare. "Y/n, Buck, we can tell." Steve cleared up. Bucky's face went to complete denial. "No, I don't."
"Those eyes you gave her earlier tell a different story, Buck." Steve softly argued. Bucky groaned and put his hands in his face. "So what if I do? She's living a happy life...why.....why should I enter it more just to ruin it?" Sam and Steve gave each other soft looks. However, both of them were not going to give up that easily. "You're different now. You've said it yourself, you're not the Winter Soldier anymore." Sam stated. "Even if that's true...who said that she's going to....want me back." Doubt filled Bucky's entire body and mind. The pair of men were not going to change his mind in one night.
Only in my dreams did that wall between us come apart
Another night, Bucky added to looking down at your shadow. He wanted to go down and dance with you. Over seventy years ago, Bucky wouldn't waste another second to do. He would've swept you off your feet, literally. He would hold you close during the slower songs, inhaling your scent. Softly kissing your forehead, cheeks, lips... Bucky heavily sighed out loud, walking away from the window.
Oh my darlin', knock three times on the ceiling if you want me; twice on the pipe if the answer is no.
Sam and Steve showed up at your door. You gave them both a confused. "Come in...stop lurking at my door." You responded, letting them in. "So, how long have you liked Bucky?" Sam got straight to the point. You scoffed and slouched in one of your chairs. "Who said-" "Y/n, you never mentioned your knowledge about your so-called fascination with the 1930s before your first mission with him." Steve confronted you. You shrugged, "A girl can learn new things." Sam rolled his eyes. "They're both impossible, Steve." You sat up a little. "What do you mean by both of us?" For the third time that night, Sam and Steve shared a smirk and an idea.
Oh my sweetness *knock, knock, knock* means you'll meet me in the hallway; twice on the pipe *clang, clang* means you ain't gonna show*
You hummed the song you left playing in your room as you approached Bucky's door. You took a deep breath before knocked with the beat that Bucky could perfectly hear from your apartment below. He hesitantly answered. Then saw you, a small smile etched across his face. "It means that I want you, and that I want to meet you in the hallway-- granted next time it'll be on the ceiling but-" Your breath of words was stopped short by Bucky pulling you into his apartment.
~~ Sam looked at Steve, stifling a laugh, "There isn't really a pipe for her to say no to."
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sparklingmineraltequila · 3 days ago
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American Wasteland
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Note: Super fucking late. I know I said that this was gonna be just them drinking and screwing but it descended into some super emotionally intense shit so please don't read if you're a minor or if you hate that shit
Warning: 18+ This is dark. Some EXTREMELY heavy description of physical abuse towards women, extremely unhealthy reaction of OC in regards to this abuse, Smut, drinking, smoking, swearing
No-one rides a motorbike who doesn't slightly want to die. It's not just the past few years of dealing with the scum scraped fresh off of Cell Block 1's floor that has led Rust to believe that. He doesn't need to see the Iron Crusaders' (and his own) track marks to know that every fucker here has a death wish; it's that low, churning engine rumble that tells him. Excitement often boils down to terror and you can't not care when your Harley's doing 100 down along the coast; a hurricane cooking up in the grey-blue of the Gulf. You'll die just swerving slightly. It's exciting. Rust sees that same excitement, the one of licking syrup off of the jagged edge, in Cassandra's eyes. Hell, it's why she fucks with him, both figuratively and literally. As she taps her fingernails on the sticky bar top, Rust can see that restlessness froth up, in her eyes; the way that they glaze over while she studies him. Cassandra's gonna make him fucking pay for it.
'You owe me, at least, a double,' she says, resting her forearms on the bar as she makes a show of arching her back and rolling the cracks out of her shoulder. Rust looks at her, unimpressed by her languid stretching,
'Those shorts show enough, as it is. Ain't no reason to be doing all that shit.'
'Jealous?'
Rust reaches for the Camels in the inside pocket of his leather jacket,
'Of these motherfuckers? Ain't no-one here that could handle that goddamn attitude. And for the smell outside, ain't no-one here handlin' their liquor, either.'
That earns a huff of a laugh for Cassandra,
'Let the poor bastards have some fun. Most of 'em are probably just trying to take a load off and relax.'
Rust sighs out a flood of grey and eyes her from the side; a cool, appraising look which Cassandra doesn't miss.
'What?' she asks, her head jutting forward slightly and eyes already narrowed, as if already anticipating the bite of his words.
'These are the same men that fuckin' feel you up, back at the club. These beers and shit is just what loosens 'em up.'
'That's just all men,' Cassandra says dryly, not even attempting to muster any indignation at the fact. A girl already resigned to nicotine stained callouses palming her tits and ass. How much do you value your body over rent? Where do you draw the line between the meat that courses with capillaries and nerves and life, and the meat that jiggles when a biker spanks it? Is it worth defining it? Rust knows that, for Cassandra, it sure as hell isn't. Shit, it isn't for either of them, or anyone at that. Sentient meat with electrical impulses tricking us into thinking that it actually matters if we put a gun in our mouth or not, next Tuesday. Rust gives another grainy, derisive scoff,
'Fair enough.'
'Plus, they pay rent. As long as they have the money, they can do whatever they want,' Cassandra shrugs while scraping at some gunk, on the bar, with her thumbnail. Neither of them look at each other.
'I thought we agreed that you weren't gonna bullshit me anymore, Cass.'
'I ain't bullshitting you.'
Rust's gaze moves from the beer taps to an ashtray,
'You goddamn hate it, Cass. I hate it for you.'
'I never said I didn't. But I ain't about to turn down a lap dance cause I've got morals. Shit, Crash, you think I'm that much of a kid?'
Rust can see the way she finishes with a smile and licks the inside of his cheek to prevent his own faint smirk; as if it's some depressingly fucked up inside joke that the two share.
'I am pretty good at pretending that it turns me on, though. Ain't I?' Cassandra says, leaning her side against the bar top with glint in her eye that Rust thinks looks far too much like baiting.
'Keep talkin' like that and you're only gettin' a single.'
'Yeah, that sounds like a fucking admission to me.'
Rust knows why she does this shit; he's seen it enough in the smoky, post-sex haze of their trailer-floor bedroom. Their bodies sticky to the touch, Rust festering in a pit of self-loathing, that he now doesn't even attempt to claw out of, and Cassandra, toeing the line between humour and cruelty, in a desperate attempt to cover up how fucking exposed she is to him. It acts as a way to convince herself that she wouldn't let him hurt her. They both know she's lying. Beneath a nicotine-yellow ceiling and the monotony of the squeaking fan, it's easy to pretend that they are what they present to each other; neither one of them has it in themselves to strip the other bare.
Cassandra is silent for a moment, too long a moment, so Rust bites,
'What?'
'So, I can't call you Ru-'
'No.'
'Not even when we're fucking?'
'Especially not when we're fucking.'
'It ain't like I'm gonna slip up.'
Rust nods to the bartender, uneasy with the raw territory that the conversation is quickly accelerating towards,
'Two fingers of Jameson,' he says, before turning expectantly towards Cassandra.
'A Budweiser and a double of tequila; lime and all that shit.'
The bartender gives Cassandra a slight arch of his brow, clearly unimpressed in having to get out the shot glasses in a place where the liquor bottle usually just stays on the bar top; anyone its owner until they pass out or their wallet runs dry. He acquiesces, though, satiated by having a girl like Cassandra in his bar. Cassandra sees it in his eyes, too: the moment where aggravation turns to lust. She's seen it often, as well as its inversion. The two things men know best, she'd told Rust once, after some fucker bit her shoulder during a lap dance, unable to stop jutting his hard-on into her as he'd called her a 'fucking teasing little bitch', Sex and Rage. So well, they often mix 'em up. Cassandra knows better than anyone else how to tree that line; girls in her line of work usually do. Turn that anger into libido by grinding on them well enough, or try to get hit in a place where you can't see the bruise too much. Don't want the customers to acknowledge that their domination of this body is as fucking pathetic as the last guy who payed to fuck her up. Bruises that belong to different men just don't carry the same degradation. You're a fucking punchbag, nothing worth actually beating into submission. Rust knows that's part of the reason that Cassandra has never bothered to cover up the one's he'd leave after they fucked: someone had finally deemed her worthy to stick around after the time ran up to teach her a lesson.
Rust turns to the bartender, deciding whether, with the coke that he took before chasing after Cassandra still pulsating through his capillaries, he should ignore the slobbering slack-jaw looks he was giving her. He's so goddamn exhausted, after all. Hell, he's already violated more CID regulations than he can count by even starting this shit with her but, then again, he's been in this fucking purgatory of bikers, meth and lukewarm liquor for 3 more years than he should so who's doing semantics?
'That Motel 6 across the lot still runnin',?
The bartender nods,
'As long as there're hookers and junkies on God's green earth.'
Rust lights another cigarette before saying,
'Finish your beer, baby. Then we head.'
The bartender miscalculates, misinterpreting Rust's biker leather as some sort of male cammeradery, and juts forward to ask,
'Hey man, after you're done, you mind tellin' me which room you leave her in?' his hunger glazing his eyes like it would an animal's.
Rust doesn't even have time to break his nose before Cassandra semi-lunges herself across the bar, only restrained by Rust's forearm as he tells her,
'Easy. Easy.'
Time and breath wasted, though, with the way Cassandra writhes against his grip, arm pointing into the bartender's face as she sneers,
'I'd give you two seconds, motherfucker, before your dick gets soft and you start crying to your momma cause it won't go up again, you dumb fucking piece of shit. Ain't even fucking man enough to spot an actual hooker.'
The bartender's face twists, as the insults spew out, and his own vitriol starts to froth up,
'Oh, so you ain't even smart enough to get paid for it? This son of a bitch just fucks you for free, huh? Shi-it, your daddy must've fucked you up bad.'
Rust hauls Cassandra out of the bar, as the pair of them continue to shout whiskey-spit slathered insults at each other, the violence of the curses slithering up from wherever they had hidden it with pills, liquor or sex, for the time being. The moment the bloody meat of catharsis presents itself, they turn into rabid dogs; heat, insect bites and all.
After body slamming the bar door to open it, Rust has to restrain himself from shoving Cassandra off of his chest as she unevenly places her feet on the asphalt, the heel of her cowboy boot twisting and making her stumble to her knees. Rust, still too furious with her goddamn attitude and the bartender's comments, doesn't even turn around as he strides towards the Motel 6,
'Get the fuck up and walk, Cassandra.'
Cassandra pushing herself up, the gravel still embedded in the soft flesh of her palms,
'Oh, so now you're fucking mad at me?!'
'What did I goddamn tell you?'
'To not call you Rust.'
'Shut the fuck up with that, right now.'
'Then, what?'
Rust doesn't look at her. Hell, he even quickens his stride,
'That you're gonna get yourself fuckin' killed with that goddamn mouth. You know the shit an angry man is capable of better than anyone else and you're far too fuckin' smart to be having pissin' contests with a bunch of liquored up assholes.'
It's harsh. Shit, it's a punch to the gut, Rust knows, but he's gotten to the point where he cares about Cassandra way too fucking much to let her be this goddamn stupid when he's around. She knows that, ashamed of her own naivety in thinking that she could ever protect herself from a man who wanted to hurt her. Rust glances at her,
'I get that you're angry, Cass. Don't let it make you a dumbass.'
'Anger is the only goddamn thing that has ever kept me safe. Angry women are the only people who have ever kept me safe.'
Rust clenches his jaw but knows that she's right and finds a lingering sense of relief that she didn't include him, on that list.
Even more so when she has him on his back on their motel room mattress. Rust knows it's goddamn selfish and twisted to be grateful for Cassandra's hard-earned cynicism, won from the sharp edge of male entitlement, but it keeps her fucking safe from him. Ironically, when they fuck is the only time that she doesn't look at him with a tinge of that silent, gnawing desperation. No, not with the way that she's moving on top of him, now; tits pushed up in that white lace bra, strands of hair getting stuck on the slick bottom lip of her open mouth. After Cassandra had desperately scrambled to get out from underneath him, shoving his shoulders down as she'd promised,
'Please-I'm sorry-It'll feel good. Just let me.'
An inversion for both of them, as they slowly find their rhythm; the bed's awkward creaking a deep contrast with the pure fucking heat in their held stare. Rust doesn't know what to do with his shit but lie back and try not to come just from the way she looks at him. Ever since being undercover, sex has been another convoy of power and domination; violence with just the same amount of blood and spit. Sex has never been an essentially good thing for Rust, not until he met Claire. For a couple years it was, now it's just become an amalgamation of proving how much of a sick asshole he is to the rest of the Crusaders and a reminder of the lurid hubris that led to his daughter's death. To be forced back onto this mildew infested mattress, and have a girl as beautiful as Cassandra take care of him, makes Rust want to either vomit or cry. But he lets her, he knows she needs this shit. Let her feel in control for 5 goddamn minutes of her life, Rust thinks, as Cassandra deeply rolls her hips down as he lifts up. An in adverted moan escapes from both; skin starting to gloss over with exertion. They both attempt to inculcate some of that violence they both need so badly: Cassandra scrapes her nails down his chest and forearm, while Rust reaches that very forearm up to grab her throat, his other hand forming yet another bruise on her hip.
'Fuck, fuck, fuck,' Cassandra whimpers out, as she stares down at Rust who reaches the hand that's on her thigh to grab his Camels; desperate for a goddamn anchor. As he lights one, he holds her there by the throat. Cassandra stares down at him, her body trembling with pleasure but her gaze steady.
They don't kiss.
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notpixl · 3 days ago
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Beauty amidst Terror
Chapter 1: The Meeting
Summary:
You get called by The Knave for an important matter.
You recall the various memories during your stay in the House of the Hearth.
Did you mess up?
Did something happen?
Did someone cause trouble?
Or could it be the possibility that…
You’re getting fired?
Only one way to find out…
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Notes:
Multi-part fic since I don’t want you all to be scrolling down
And uh…
Enjoy? I guess…?
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Tags: GN!Reader, I know this looks like it came from ao3, I’ll crosspost this on ao3 and wattpad once all the chapters are done trust, Arlecchino/Reader, Reader is not Traveller, Reader is a Doctor, established relationship, Navia is ur bestie, Lyney, Lynette, and Freminet are wingbuddies, NAVIA AS WINGWOMAN, the children have names, I want her to smooch and kiss me and hug and and an, no beta we die like Tingyun, gap moe probably??? I might be lying once this is finished
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“For the fifth time, Romeo…”
You gently pour Betadine on the kid’s knee, earning a yelp from the latter.
“Why do you insist on running around the house?”
“What else am I supposed to for the afternoon, sleep?”
The boy crosses his arms, clearly annoyed.
A sigh escapes your lips before patting their head.
“You come here one more time you’ll be having The Knave treat your injuries, okay?”
“…”
That’s one way to shut them up.
After covering his knee with dressing you stand up from your kneeling position, dusting your coat off before leading them to their room.
“Just… play with your toys. Read a book or something.”
You close the door, leaving you with the somewhat empty hallways of the Hearth.
Granted there were the maids and employees but you didn’t want to initiate- let alone start a conversation…
But aside from Socializing there’s other things to worry about!
Such as locking up the Clinic now that your shift is ove-
“Doctor?”
You stood still for a second, unresponsive.
“…doctor?”
“If I wasn’t used to your antics I’d be dead on the floor, Lynette…”
“Mm… is that why it took you a bit to respond?”
You turn to look at her, immediately noticing the bandaid on her cheek.
“…yes.”
She points at the bandaid, her expression still the same.
“Don’t worry. I did the steps necessary. Just like you said.”
You cross your arms, an eyebrow raised.
“Disinfectant as well?”
“Mm.”
A smile escapes your lips as you ruffle her hair, earning a silent pur.
“Father told me to escort you to her Office.”
“I-Is that so…?”
You nervously retract your arm in response to that information.
You? Being called by The Knave?
S-surely you didn’t do anything bad, right?
“Mm. Follow me.”
Lynette guides you to her Father’s Office, unconsciously walking beside her since you’re already being plagued with multiple questions and thoughts.
Was it the way you treated those kids Were the playful threats too much? Could it be the medicine you used? Maybe it’s you sometimes showing up late- No that shouldn’t be it…
Maybe… a raise-
No… doubt that’d happen…
…fired, maybe?
*Knock! Knock! Knock!*
“Come in.”
Lynette steps aside, being met with The Knave facing her back towards you.
The door shuts tight.
It’s just you and her.
There’s a sofa in front of her desk which beckons you to come closer.
But you have manners.
“Sit.”
You walked rather… slow? As if you’re prepared for any news you’ll be receiving this afternoon…
At least the sofa feels comfy.
Wait why’re you even thinking about that-
“…How’s your stay?”
“Uh… n-nice, I guess…”
Great. You’re stuttering. What a way to start, you.
“How were the kids?”
You gulp.
“Some are… manageable. Some need sweets… and some need a… little visit from The Knave…”
There’s a… slight pause.
“How are you feeling?”
“…Kind of tired? But I’ll be fine.”
“Even after hundreds upon hundreds of children dashing towards your Clinic?”
“Like I said… some are manageable… some need a little treat… and some definitely need a visit from-
“Me.”
“Yes…”
“Why?”
Oh now that is… tricky.
You look at your hands resting on your lap, unsure of what to say.
Oh screw it, you’re in too deep anyway.
“Because you look frightening.”
“Mm.”
A long silence ensues.
“Look at me.”
Your eyes slowly look up…
To meet those menacing- no, hypnotizing eyes of hers.
Trying to look at The Knave of all people is already a difficult task.
As if you shouldn’t even think of doing that.
But remaining eye contact with her?
You’ll be dead on the spot.
*Snap!*
“Are you still awake?”
“I- w-what…?”
You repeatedly blink, gaining your senses back.
“Good.”
Should you be scared?
Aroused?
Maybe even both??
“I’ll repeat it again.”
The Knave points at herself.
“Do I look frightening…?”
You stammer.
“N-no… to me at least.”
“…?”
That look of hers tells you to go on.
Not like you had any choice anyway.
“While others might look at you with fear or dread in mind… I fortunately got to see the… Beauty amidst this…”
“Go on.”
“…amidst this terrifying face of yours.”
The last part took… practically everything just to say it.
“…Leave.”
You picked yourself up and bolted away from The Knave’s sights, making sure to close the door quietly.
The fervent beats of your heart occupied your ears as you lean on the wall, shivering.
Wait…
Come to think of it…
Wasn’t that a compliment…?
You just flat out said that The Knave’s face is pretty!
You know what? Forget it. You should at least focus on getting out of here and not worry about interpretation…
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Chat trust me on this I have it… somewhat planned out
I just want you all to have a peak instead of waiting a month huhu
It’ll end with the most sloppiest toppiest make out sessi
💥
🪦
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darling-leech · 14 hours ago
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Thanks for the tag!
This is my first time posting a WIP, and I do mean first! And this is DEFINITELY and HEAVILY a WORK-IN-PROGRESS so bear with me pls and pls give any feedback whatsoever!
This is for my Skyrim fic for the HEAVILY headcannoned Skyrim main storyline, Tempus Edax Rerum!
Gormlaith and Felldir continue fighting Aazkriid. Both bloodied but still standing. 
A few more Ancient Nordic warriors came to aid them; 
“A glorious day, is it not!?!", Gormlaith cries out.
Alduin’s shadow hovers overhead; bellowing.
Aazkriid saw her chance to finish off Gormlaith, she starts running towards her, but not before Felldir shouts at her; FUS RO DAAH!
Aazkriid laid unconscious on a jagged rock. Gormlaith plunges her sword through her chest. 
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”, Hevnothur’s wails echo across the mountain, causing everyone to cover their ears in agony. 
Alduin continues circling them, then finally lands on top of the word wall.
Hevnothur charges over Aazkriid's lifeless body. 
Gormlaith and Felldir recover, Hakon limps towards them. They look at each other and nod in agreement. They didn't utter a single word but knew what each other meant.
"Meyye! Tahrodiis aanne! Him hinde pah liiv! Zu'u hin daan!”, Alduin finally spoke.
Felldir and Gormlaith are on each side of Hakon, holding him up, and they back up. They form a semi circle and prepare to shout towards Alduin and Hevnothur. 
JOOR FAH ZUL
"Nivahriin joorre! What have you done? What twisted Words have you created?! Tahrodiis Paarthurnax! My teeth to his neck! But first... dir ko maar. You will die in terror, knowing your final fate... To feed my power when I come for you in Sovngarde!", Alduin soars.
Gormlaith lets go of Hakon and charges towards Alduin, “If I die today, it will not be in terror. You feel fear for the first time, worm. I see it in your eyes. Skyrim will be free!”
Halo gathers his last strength and follows after Gormlaith.
Felldir starts to pull out the Elder Scroll,
“Hold, Alduin on the Wing! Sister Hawk, grant us your sacred breath to make this contract heard! Begone, World-Eater! By words with older bones than your own we break your perch on this age and send you out! You are banished! Alduin, we shout you out from all our endings unto the last!”
As Felldir spoke, Hevnothur shields Aazkriid's body with theirs, they lift their mask off of their face and gazes upon Felldir, their piercing brown eyes gaze upon his. Their body glows blue along with Alduin's as tho their one and the same. 
Alduin seemingly warps out of existence, and soon after so does Hevnothur.
“We… We did it!”, Hakon sighs in relief.
“Yes, the World-Eater is gone, and so are the Sonaak... may the spirits have mercy on our souls."
Flash forward to sometime in 4E 201, a few days before the events of Skyrim start
Skuldafn’s portal starts cracking open, one stone by stone.
Nahkriin turns around with a curious mind, hovering closer.
He goes to grab his staff…..
The portal blasts open, expelling Hevnothur, sending them into the sky. 
The gush of wind sends Nahkriin gliding a few feet from where he hovered; his hands hover over his hand shielding his face.
Hevnothur flails chaotically in the sky for a few seconds but manages to land feet first; her wings soften the landing before dematerializing. 
Nahkriin bows; “Drem Yol Lok...., Dii Drog....”, His voice was forced and strained.
Hevnothur silently raises his face upright, “Dii Mir Fahdon…”, they hand Nahkriin his staff back before walking from the portal’s steps. 
“....Lost Alduin Daal?”, Nahkriin’s voice becomes more clear but still labored. 
“Mu Fent Koraav…”, Hevnothur’s voice echoes as she fades away from the Skuldafn temple, bestriding a random dragon. 
They clutch the golden relic hidden behind their back, “Zu'u Bo Monah Ahrk Briinah.....”
*End of Prologue; Start of next chapter.*
A few days later; 17th of Hearthfire, 4E 401
[Close-Up of Alex's face, scenes flash between Alex in her Dragon Priest Mask(the "eyes" part of her mask is Marble White) and her current maskless face, showing her dilated dark brown eyes, showing fire crackling in them.][Shows parts of Hevnothur's face as well as Aazkriid’s.][Switches to Ensosin and Fotoorin trying to fly in the portal that Mephala created that Alex was sucked into before it closing(It creates a small shock wave, pushing Ensosin and Fotoorin back), they roar with grief.][Switches to random soldiers/priests from The Dragon War][Switches back to modern day; Alduin sitting on the Helgen Tower]. *This is supposed to be a transition between a flashback and what's currently happening.*
[Alduin and Alex lock eyes for a few seconds]
[Sounds of fighting, screaming, fire crackling, and Alduin’s roars are muffled, but come flooding back in] 
[The Sky cracks like broken glass]
[The sky is immersed in a blue, red, and white meteor storm]
[The cracks in the sky fracture even more; encompassing Helgen(it looks like a fractured snowglobe.)]
Alex felt paralyzed as she watched Alduin take off from the brick tower, wreaking havoc in Helgen, her eyes glued on him. Memories of her former life come flooding back into her mind. Muddy tears roll down her sweaty face.
"Hey, you!", Ralof screams from a nearby watchtower, "come on!, the gods won't give us another chance." 
Alex shakes her face, snapping back to reality, slightly confused, blinking repeatedly. Her head ached and her ears rang. She wipes her face the best she could, with her hand-cuffed hands.
Einar stands behind her with a concerned look. Alex silently nods and they both take off after Ralof into the other imperial tower. 
Ralof closes the door and the soldiers recuperate and tend to their wounded. Ulfric Stormcloak removes his gag. The continued sounds of imperial soldiers fighting are muffled. 
A conglomeration of golden small orbs start surrounding the sky around the now broken watchtower; one by one.
"Jarl Ulfric! What is that thing? Could the legends be true?", Ralof panting.  "Legends don't burn down villages.", Ulfric Stormcloak leaned against the brick wall, wiping sweat from his brow.
NOTE:
Some of the dialogue obviously will be in The Dragon Language, here is the translations:
Drem Yol Lok - Greetings
Dii Drog - My Lord
Lost Alduin Daal - roughly translates to Has Alduin returned
Mu Fent Koraav - roughly translates to we shall see
Zu'u Bo Monah Ahrk Briinah - roughly translates to I'm coming Mother and Sister
Thank @illumiera and @madam-whim for the almost simultaneous wip-wednesday tagging :3 I'm so excited! Here is a piece of writing about my Morokei. TW: violence
The flame comes predictably but abruptly. And there is nothing more: no sky, no earth, no wind on his cheeks, no cold in his bones, no world around him. Only pain, crimson and flaming, piercing and tedious, so much that he wants to run away, hide, beg or die, just to stop it. But not to give up, oh, no, not to give up. The taste of his own teeth fills his mouth, simultaneously with the smell of the burned hair touching his nose. It seems a little longer, and his eyelashes will burn, then his eyelids, and finally, his eyes will crack and run down his face. Crows like to take them, right? As from somebody far away, he hears his own scream and feels the staff drop out of his palms, destroyed by the other's power. But he does not resist it. Accepts it all as deeply as possible.
And then rips out what Ruvaak did not want to give away. After the heat comes ice and disappears, leaving only pure energy. Morokei drinks it greedily, as he once did with the water in the desert, devouring all without a shred of doubt, sip after sip until his head drives with euphoria. Ruvaak realizes what is happening too late: a whip of fluid flame slams into Morokei with a howl, just to disappear, consumed by hunger.
The air around him rumbles, unable to contain the raging power. Ruvaak doesn't have much left, and after emptying him to the bottom, Morokei takes up the life energy with a bit of disappointment. It doesn't taste like human flesh but nourishes his own: slowly but surely, he gets back to his feet. For the first time in a while, none of them hurt, and he can take a confident step. One.
“Fus!” a shout that could break down bastions comes at him with all the force of hidden despair. At the distance between them, even the weakest Voice could turn a body into a bloody pulp, but Morokei doesn't care. “Ro,” he answers with the Word of Balance, feeling it within. With a disgusting crackle, the night crumbles into shards of obsidian.
Now, @asianbutnotjapanese @pelinalblancserpent @starrythroat @darling-leech @bougainvillea-and-saltwater, would you like to share something? Of course, you are welcome to bring a piece of art into this world, too!
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opens-up-4-nobody · 3 months ago
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...
#i never really thought about a person being a finite thing. you can see the effects of a person after they die. in the unfinished projects.#in the rooms of clutter. in abandoned closets. in pictures and in mermered phrases. and you can see time#chipping away at those things. eroding away the evidance that a person existed. clothes move into other people's closets. projects are boxed#away. and a person becomes confined to photos and memories. and thats existentially terrifying but its not a bad thing. time erodes away all#things. that's how life works. matter and energy transforms.#we arent made to last forever. i dunno. i guess im still just rattled from being home even tho ive been back a week and a half.#and my brain tends to fixate on the wrong things. nearly 27 years of knowing someone eclipsed by a visual sequence lasting less than a day.#bc i just cant get over how scary it would be to die like that. to start losing control of your body. to not be able to feed yourself or get#to the bathroom. to have your mind be overcome by the toxins building up in your mangled and broken body.#and it could have been worse. it could have been a lot worse. but its still not fair. theres no good way to die. i dunno. i guess i just#miss my mom in some abstract way but i find it more viscerally upsetting to think about the people that have to deal with her absence.#it makes me sad that my dad is alone now. i dunno. grief doesnt feel like i thought it would. most of the time i dont even know what im#crying about. its undirected. it doesnt feel like: i miss you. it feels like: youre gone. how can you be gone? why does everything feel the#same? and its not that it doesnt make sense. its that nothings changed. the terror of that.#and im walking around in an acumulation of my dead mother's clothes. and no one knows. theyll never know.#and there's nothing to be done about it. so it goes.#i guess im just sad. and its hard to breathe at the thought of returning to school at the end of August.#unrelated
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gxlden-angels · 1 year ago
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I cannot express the anger I experience being unable to do anything about anything while Christians salivate over the idea of the Israel-Hamas conflict being a sign of the Rapture
#anyways Free Palestine#Hamas attacked innocent people#The Israeli government is terrorizing innocent civilians that just want the right to live#Jewish people deserve to have land where they are safe to go to if there is another rise in antisemitic attacks in their current home#Palestinians deserve to have their homeland respected and safe for them to live on#All of these statements can be true at the same time#and I say all of this from the safe comfort of the US#I am not the one that you should listen to about the situation.#I am not the one who you should trust to give correct information about what is going on because I get the same information you do#We should be listening to Palestinians and the Israeli civilians affected#And unfortunately the news in the US is based on Christians who want nothing more than to escalate this#They do not want to recognize Palestinians unless it brings about a world war that triggers the Rapture#And I am enraged by it#I know people currently living in Israel#I know students from Palestine#And I am infuriated by christians treating them like pawns in their little Jesus War#These are people. These are fucking people#They are friends and family and lovers and so much more#I genuinely cannot express just how frustrated I am by my inability to do anything as I sit in safety#If you get nothing else from this post please listen to Palestinians and the war crimes they've experienced for decades now#If you get nothing else please listen to Israeli civilians begging for their government to stop escalating this conflict#Please listen to Jewish people and Muslims when they say shit like this increases violence against them around the world#Anyways I'm at the doctor and someone had CNN on and I'm tired#antisemitism tw#islamophobia tw#israel-hamas war tw#rapture tw
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acourtofquestions · 27 days ago
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“She had no magic to wield, save for the keen eyes of the goddess at her shoulder and an uncanny ability to remain unnoticed, to play into expectations.”
#Chapter 23#Kingdom of Ash#Sarah J. Maas#Lorcan Salvaterre#Elide Lochan#Elorcan#no spoilers please first read to read along with me#more notes quotes annotations & reacts in the tags spoilers for the chapter & book in post & tags of course pt 2 of 4 perspectives#Lorcan had never felt the weight of the hours so heavily upon him-I FEEL IT 2poor Rowan must feel this 247HURRY where’s Elide?hold on Aelin!#And to send Elide into Maeve's clutches--it had taken all of his will to let her walk away.😭#If Elide was captured if she was found out he wouldn't hear of it know of it. — you’d know cause she’s your mate idiot (I love you idiot#without proving their worth they could still visit--briefly. — ugh Maeve why does everything about you suck so much#If she emerged. — COME ON ELIDE — I CANT HANDLE ANOTHER CAIRN-NAPPING#the Prince of the North and the Lion the protector and the ever impatient in love idiot we all love Lorcan#He knew some of them. Had commanded them. Were they now his enemy? — they are all having some inner morality battles#What manner of birds? Raptors mostly — none from the House of Whitethorn — they fought for him on the other borders… for her🥹😭them#why so many guards if no Aelin hmm???? SHES HERE GUYS#though Gavriel kept glancing to the tattoos inked on his hands. How many more lives would he need to add before they were through?#Aelin had been trained to endure torture. Elide... He could see those scars on her from the shackles. — how about we save them both?😭🖤#She had endured too much suffering and terror already. He couldn't allow her to face another heartbeat of it--#Rowan and his random hatchet now😅😂 it’s giving my wife is gone unhinged in the woods with the bros might become a horror movie vibes#But then a two-note whistle echoed and Lorcan's legs wobbled so violently he sat back onto the rock where he'd been perched-OH MY ELORCAN😭🖤#also Lorcan… perched??? isn’t that bird boy Rowan’s thing?😅😂🤣#her cheeks rosy in the cool night air. — cheeks pink in the twinkling lights tell me bout the first time you saw me (shipping in insanity)#She was fine. She was unhurt. There was no enemy on her tail. Elide's eyes met his. Wary and uncertain. I met someone.#THANK GOD — but also wait WHAT-when?WHO?HOW?#also this quote posted is like one of the reasons I love Elide#another grand Maasverse enterance is on its way?#the fact the opening line shows that being sold out to Maeve is the same as death — OH GET TO AELIN ALREADY PLEASE#no more tattoos guys — what’s with Maeve’s wolves — isn’t dark haired beauty what Elide called the girl in the caravan so maybe it’s her
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mikichko · 19 days ago
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PLEASE ABDBDBJDJDJDDJ meanwhile me writing it based on past experience
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“Kyle tells him you’re skittish, with a tendency to run like a feral cat. A defense mechanism.”
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brown-little-robin · 2 years ago
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so... I made a collage for Eight (my beloved). idk if this is exactly the right vibes but I thought you'd like to see anyway 😅
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these are
EXACTLY
the Eight vibes
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boogiewoogieweeb · 6 months ago
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#he's good at his job! #crozier likes him! crozier chose him! #and any enabling of crozier happens because he lives and works in one of the most strictly hierarchical systems to ever exist #where dissidence can be a hanging offence! #and he's so! fucking! angry! about it #also having to deal with a spirit bear on top of everything #that makes you question the very fabric of the assumptions you once had about the world #also his cabin door is stuck!! #we talk a lot about jopson finally snapping and beginning to bite and kick #i really think he should invite edward to the inevitable breakdown - @maedhrus
listen i don't think edward little was actually a bad first lieutenant. when we see him in the first episode he's calm and confident. he does not say much but he's amiable enough. crozier likes him, and i don't think crozier would like anyone he doesn't think capable in some way. generally he's dependable and knows what he's doing. however unfortunately for edward he has these qualities because he has a major case of eldest daughter syndrome, which means he both wants to please his mum (crozier) and has an overdeveloped sense of responsibility for his younger siblings (crew), so when they get stuck in the ice and crozier starts going (more) alcoholic, he enables his mum bc he doesn't want to disappoint her even if he doesn't agree with her, and he has to pick up the tasks and care for his siblings she's not doing, but he can't let his siblings know about their mum's situation because they'll get worried and restless. and like a true eldest daughter he has to bear the brunt of mummy's anger for being a disappointment but he also doesn't want to seek refuge with the man she divorced (fitzjames) because that feels like a betrayal. also while this is going on there is a giant bear who hunts his siblings for sport so they're dying left and right and also a changeling master manipulator who's making his siblings mad at their mum and who wants to fuck said mum before eating her like some sort of praying mantis. anyway i think i would start being miserable and anxious too.
#the terror#edward little#helen just so you know i am in love with the way you tag these kinds of posts and i need everyone else to see how good your takes are#also curry; just your post in general; like-- YES. FINALLY. SOMEONE SAID IT. SAY IT LOUDER. SHOUT IT FROM THE FUKCING ROOFTOPS#i can and will die on the hill that ned little - the actual lt. little of the show - is as far removed from the sad wet doormat of a man#that fanon likes to portray him as; as humanly possible#the closest correlation between fanon!ned and actual canon!ned is his prolonged misery and level of worry-induced distress#he's more than competent - we see it time and again throughout the first half of the show#but the biggest indication of this is crozier himself handing little his pistol when he goes into self-imposed rehab#HE WOULDN'T DO THAT IF HE DIDN'T THINK EDWARD WAS CAPABLE OF HANDLING THE SITUATION.#crozier's not a man to mince words or spare feelings - if he thought little unequal to the task he would've handed his pistol to fitzjames#instead; but no. he chooses edward precisely bc he knows edward is loyal and steadfast and capable of doing what needs to be done#edward is the one who falters in that scene; not bc he's too overwhelmed to cope but because he knows exactly what is at stake if#anything goes wrong during crozier's convalescence; the lives of a hundred+ men turning on a dime should crozier not survive his withdrawal#and he's not wrong to feel daunted by the task! it's an immense amount of responsibility -#one crozier himself bowed and buckled under the second leadership of the expedition was thrust upon him! it's a terrifying situation;#but edward still steps up and in the wake of francis's seclusion; for once; things actually go somewhat smoothly!#the men are faring better without the black cloud of crozier's alcoholism and negativity hanging over them like a shroud;#he's gotten fitzjames off his back for the most part; other than for carnivale. and even here we see edward's diligence and commitment#to his position as first lieutenant of the expedition bc he's the one questioning using vital supplies for a party! he's the one#who agrees that the men need the distraction; but worries if they can afford to foot the bill later;#when things will be more difficult! that is the kind of mindset francis himself displays at the beginning#of the show when he's questioning sir john's decision to press forward despite every sign imaginable telling them not to!#EDWARD WORRIES FOR THE MEN THE SAME WAY CROZIER DOES#what trips him up; what ends up driving a wedge between him and crozier; what causes little to fuck up the armory situation; is this:#crozier himself. bc francis was a mean drunk. and while in his cups he treated little as no better than a ship's boy; running menial errand#and very literally risking life and limb to indulge the vices of a man who treats him with open contempt (and let's be clear;#that man isn't the captain edward has come to know and respect since they set out from greenhithe - no; that is a stranger wearing#his captain's face; making choices that leave edward feeling frustrated and helpless and enraged)#what crozier's belittling of little's station and rank does during this time is make him deeply insecure of his own purpose and competence;
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kavehater · 6 months ago
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Stop ……. Rodrick from diary of a wimpy kid …
#you guys think I’m gonna simp ? HAH NO WAY actually he reaaaaallyyyyy reminds me of this one guy back in primary#he liked me and tried to insert himself with me all the time etc and he TOLD ALL HIS FRIENDS#he’s Shia too so he would go to the same mosque as me brother and dad and he told my brother he likes me I think …..#actually I didn’t find out until years later that he liked me until when fatema gave me the signs a guy likes you talk in eighth grade 😭🙂‍↕#then one night I was thinking about the past then it clicked#I was not at all impressed#I have never felt so disgusted#I should’ve known I was aroace from that moment but I didn’t know what aroace was#I didn’t hate the guy#I actually super liked him he was so fun and we were basically friends#he always made me laugh and we were lowkey buddies only in class cause we were forced to sit together#it’s just idk I don’t enjoy the concept of being liked most of the time !!!! cause most of the time it’s so vile when a boy likes a girl 😭#except that one dude he’s the only exception but he’s forever my favourite ✨#but anyways 😭#back to the point I really like the guy who plays Rodrick cause it reminds me of the guy who liked me who I didn’t like back BUT I LIKE#RODRICK CAUSE I ALWAYS HAD SM FUN WITH THAT GUY it was always so fun to talk to him#also in the future he ended up liking my classmate or something after he moved away to a different school 😭#I was like damn …. 🤨 not very loyal I see#granted he did like me for so long I’m just dumb unfortunately#actually omg I kinda miss him now he was so fun to talk to 😭#minus that weird part of him telling the whole world like BROTHER WE WERE LIKE from 9-12 yrs old he liked me I think HAHA#aiming to beat his record by liking kaveh for longer#I’m almost gonna be on year two eeeeeee !!!!!!!!#dora daily#wait now that I think of it I did always have a sneaking suspicion that this other guy in primary also liked me LMFAO he was also Shia#actually my close friend in sixth grade had the biggest crush on the other guy 😭😭😭#she had sm dreams of him me with kaveh when#wait … if I swap Shia guy 1 and Shia guy 2 with the duo of terror ( you know who ) THIS WILL BE LIKE THE RECREATION OF MY DREAM MUAHAHAHA#anyways I’m actually so tired gang I could fall asleep rn if I put my head on the pillow#when I said my myahahaha I hope you pictured the Elmo fire meme
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corkinavoid · 2 months ago
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DPxDC "Pick Me Up"
The stream goes live on the first day of the school year. It's the usual song and dance - mad laughing, threats, poor jokes, terror, and about thirty kids huddled together in a classroom behind Joker's back. Tim recognizes it as one of the Gotham Academy classrooms. Dick can't imagine the horror those kids' parents must be feeling right now. Jason jokes about middle school traumatic experiences. Damian is feeling very justified for skipping classes today.
Bruce, all suited up in his Batman garb, is making his way to the Academy as fast as he possibly can. Those are kids.
Gotham is once again anxiously kept on the edge of their seats, watching as Joker decides to interview the kids on their learning experience so far. Something about leaving a good first impression on the new generation or some other bullshit. Most kids stutter over their words - it's true that Gothamites are way more composed when facing life-threatening events, but those kids are only fourteen or fifteen for the most part. They are not old enough to keep their cool in the face of a murder clown.
That is, until Joker points his camera at one of the girls. Black hair in a high ponytail, blue eyes without a trace of fear, a slightly displeased, even bored expression on her face. She looks straight into the camera, not even waiting for the laughing madman to finish his question, and deadpans:
"I don't think I like school. Pick me up, please."
Joker sputters.
"Not so scared, I see," he sneers, and, in the next moment, a comically large gun painted in purples and greens is pointed to the girl's forehead, "How about now?"
The girl scrunches her nose and makes a so-so gesture.
"It's kinda meh," she admits, "Like, yeah, points for style, but you know, size doesn't matter. It's all in the technique."
Dick snorts over the comms. It's a bad time for laughing, sure, but the phrase caught him off-guard. This is not what you'd expect to hear from a teen, and definitely not something you'd expect anyone to say to the Joker. Jason's comms are muted, but Barbara knows he also laughed a little.
"Technique, you say?" Joker hisses, pressing the gun closer to the girl's head, and she winces, leaning away from it, almost as if she is disgusted by the touch.
"Yeah, I mean, guns are not that scary anyway. What are you gonna do with them, blast my brains all over the floor? Been there, done that," the girl shrugs, "Kinda nasty, but overall, it's just like slime, only sticky." She pauses and looks to the side, seemingly lost in thought, "Huh, maybe we should have added Borax to it. Or was it baking soda?.."
"Listen here, you little brat," Joker's fingers catch the girl's chin, and his voice becomes sickeningly menacing. Bruce is almost there, just two more minutes. Tim is already grappling onto the wall.
But none of them get to finish.
"Put your dirty fingers away from my sister," a low, cold, and even in a way that speaks of barely contained fury, voice comes from out of the screen.
The camera spins, like whoever is holding it turned really fast, and everyone watching the stream sees a fairly normal guy standing by the window - a turtleneck and ripped jeans, same black hair as the girl, same blue eyes... Wait, they are not blue.
And that's not a guy.
The camera falls down to the floor, and there are a lot of panicked screams coming from the broadcast now, but none of them sound like children's voices. It's the screams of adults, of grown-ass men, and later, someone even claimed they heard Joker's scream among them, too. The picture on camera glitches a few times, and the angle is awkward, but everyone still gets to see how shadows in the room morph into eyes, wide open and green, and how the darkness grows sharp teeth, countless grinning mouths that don't belong to any faces.
Screams turn into gargling and then to quiet whispers, filling the ears of all those listening with countless words in languages they don't know.
Red Robin turns off the recording and looks to that same guy from the levestream, sitting across him on the couch. The guy - Daniel, or Danny, as he introduced himself - looks him in the eyes and raises an eyebrow.
"Okay, and?"
"How did you do it?" Tim asks for the third time this evening. Danny blinks.
"Did what?" He asks, completely incomprehending. Tim groans. He's been trying to get his answers, any answers at this point, from the guy for thirty fucking minutes already. So far, he's got nothing. Danny, whoever the fuck he is, proves to be the most annoying human being on Earth.
"Seven people in a coma, including Joker himself, with no physical injuries and none of the children remember a thing! How?!" He demands, and a girl's face peeks from around the corner:
"I remember!"
Tim snaps his head at her, "What do you remember?"
The girl pauses, blinks, and looks to Danny. Then shrugs, "My brother picked me up from school."
Tim drops his head down and breathes out in frustration. He can't force the information out of civilians, he is a vigilante, not a mafia.
"Would it make you feel better if I promise not to do it again?" Danny asks, and his voice is way too innocent for Tim to believe him. He raises his head to look the guy in his shameless, amused eyes.
"I hate you."
"Thanks," Danny grins.
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schizononagesimus · 9 months ago
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also hey can we talk about violent psychosis for a sec. cause i really appreciate all the talk surrounding psychosis positivity and stuff but a lot of it is "we're not all violent! sometimes hallucinations can be positive!" like sorry mine are not. im scary psychotic.
im "cant have anything that even remotely could be used as a weapon in the house" psychotic. im "if i miss my meds one day i have to go to the hospital for homicidal and suicidal thoughts that literally aren't my own thoughts but theyre controlling my actions" psychotic. im "im seeing horrors you cant even imagine to the point where i dont exist in the same world as you anymore" psychotic.
im not going to hurt you, i just need help. when im rocking in the corner talking to myself at 3am, remember that i am in a state of terror. im afraid for my life. i either genuinely believe everything is trying to kill me, and i only know one way to deal with it; or something is telling me to be violent or else it will kill me; or i have dissociated so hard that i autopilot myself to violence to try and wake myself up.
some of us are violent, and that's okay, because it has to be, because it's the truth. just get us help.
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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year ago
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...
#theres this feeling i get sometimes. i find it very hard to articulate. its part despair and part awe. dispair at how beautiful the world is#all those intricate little process coming together to organize the chaos. i dont kno y i feel it so deeply or y it hurts so much#because its just. no matters what horrible things r going on in the world. ur body is this miraculous collection of chemicals and reactions#mobile containers of water with a history that spirals back billions of years. and you can hear and see and experience and reflect#and when you die the world goes on spinning without you. if we as humans destroyed this planet past the part of our ability to inhabit it#it wouldnt even matter. there would be continued life past humanity. cosmically we r tiny and insignificant and we dont matter#but were beautiful and wonderful and infinity complex and knowing that leaves me in agony. because i want to kno everything right now but#mind is too small and i walk around with the disorientation of someone whos just been hit in thr face ans i cant focus enough to read#cant make the words make sense and i cant justify the time it would take to try. so i sit on my deck. in the sun. crying as i think about#how the light hit the grass in my front yard the last time i was home. how the cliffs in the backyard are ringed with red lines of iron#separated out as the water leached through the sandstone. how every avaliable surface is stained green as organisms reach upward toward#the sun. and its beautiful and i dont kno y im crying. maybe its bc i cant just throw everything aside and chase that feeling. im not#allowed to feel it. im not allowed to talk abt it in the way i want. bc im afraid no one cares as much as me in the same way. bc when i#talk abt what i study its obscure and academic and so far from what most ppl think abt that they get intimidated and dont try to understand#so i just try not to talk abt it. or maybe im just afraid. bc i have my 1st TA meeting tomorrow and i meet with my new advisor friday#and im worried and im afraid i wont b able to do this in a way that doesnt make me feel like im dying. bc i like to b busy and i like having#a strict schedule but if u throw me that knife im going to stab myself with it bc i dont kno how wield it as a tool without hurting myself#sure ill get the job done. but at what cost? whatever. ill try to b better this time. try to hold tight to the wonder. but that feels like#reaching out into forever. knowing ill never make contact. not knowing what im reaching for.#the closest approximation to the feeling i can find is that scene in the terror. where go0dsir is asking if god is there. any god. and it#doesnt matter bc he can see god in the landscape. in an environment that's so harsh and barren that its killing him slowly in the worst of#ways and its beautiful. its still beautiful to him. there is wonder here. and im wasting my time laying in a dark room crying bc i put#myself into a container so constrictive that the surface snaps and i come spilling out as an angry liquid. smearing away into nothing#unrelated
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gallusrostromegalus · 1 year ago
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The Van Has Officially Declared It Spooky Season
---
I've got my parent's van for the week and it seems determined to establish my status as The Local Cryptid by terrorizing an innocent 7-11 clerk.
...I might need to back up a bit.
My mother is an eminently sensible woman who knows herself well, and when The Plauge hit, she knew she'd need some sort of mentally and physically engaging craft project to keep herself from going insane and massacring the local zoning and water management boards (even if they have it coming). So she and Dad acquired a utility van and converted it into a camper van because while they love camping, they're past the age where their joints and immune systems will tolerate sleeping on the cold ground in a nylon tent.
They did a terrific job of it and my mom taught herself woodworking and carpentry and now the van has it's own cabinets, fold-away dining table, and removable queen-sized bed with memory foam mattress. My Dad was already a computer engineer, but he learned the dark magics of automotive software and electronics to install after-market backup cameras, a media player that would take a terabyte hard drive and a solar-powered battery and outlet so they could wake up and just turn on the kettle and griddle for breakfast without having to exit the van into a cold morning on an empty stomach.
Truly, the height of Camping Luxury.
My parents are both in their mid-seventies and my primary life goal is to be at least half as cool and hale as they are when I get old.
Anyway, they take it out at least a dozen times a year and it works fabulously, but, being as I am on good terms with my parents and also finishing the process of moving house, I've been borrowing it to move large and cumbersome objects that will not fit in the back of my equally lovely but minuscule Honda hatchback.
It's a Great Van. Very easy and comfortable to drive. Stunningly good MPG for it's size. The best cruise control I've ever had in a car.
It's just also. Quirky. Mischievous, even.
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If this van has a fault its that it bears the unfortunate affliction that all lightly used white utility vans have in that the combination of an utter lack of branding features and the large dent/scrape I accidentally put on it while trying to escape a Denny's last Thanksgiving means that this vehicle is one addition of a Badly Spray-Painted "FREE CANDY" on the side away from being the sort of vehicle you see in an edgy horror movie.
It's got the same issue that Doberman Dogs have where they look like the sort of creature that likes to snack on toddler's faces whilst actually having personalities made of marshmallow fluff. This vehicle is unnecessarily menacing and I think nothing short of an airbrushed Epic Van Wizard will correct this. People see this van pull up and lean over and squint suspiciously at me when the driver's side door opens, and then look moderately confused when, instead of Charles Manson, a small, potato-shaped creature with neon purple hair and a statistically unlikely assortment of dogs emerges.
My own two dogs, Herschel the Hanukkah Goblin/Corgi and Charleston Chew The Taco Dumpster Dog, Do Not Like The Van. Even with the bed in it, they have a tendency to slide and roll around in the back, and both WILL chew through dog saftey belts or other attempts to secure them in there.
On the other hand, my house mate's dog, an exceptionally tall standard poodle whom we lovingly call "The Creature", loves the Van because SHE wears her doggy seat-belt with only mild complaining and gets to sit up in the passenger seat like A People.
Also like A People, The Creature likes to stand and walk around on her hind legs. It doesn't hurt her and it's entirely voluntary, but every so often I will feel a hand on my arm and instead of my husband or friend, it's a canine that's taller than I am on her hind legs who wants to stare at my face with soulful, concerned eyes. The Creature's favorite thing is that she is exactly the right height for me to hold her arm in Genteel Fashion and walk around the pet food or hardware store with her like I'm a count escorting a debutante around a royal ball.
---
As it stands, I am set to inherit this vehicle whenever my Honda gives up the ghost, and I fully intend to paint an Epic Van Wizard on it when that time comes.
The other peculiarity of The Van is that while Dad did manage to successfully install all his after-market electronics, not all the electronics get along. Sometimes, they fight for Dominance. The Terabyte Music Player and the Backup Camera have a particularly contentious relationship, and turning on the music has about a 25% chance of turning on the backup camera as well, and turning on the Backup Camera is equally likely to turn on the music.
Firthermore, The Van has a favorite song.
I am not kidding that Dad filled an entire terabyte hard drive with music and the software to sort it via the radio controls, but of all the Early Boomer Dad Rock (Kingston Trio over The Eagles) and Irish Folk and Symphonies and the entire discography of Weird Al Yankovic, The Van's favorite song- The one it picks to play as victory music every time it beats the Backup Camera at their weird electronic game of rock-paper-scissors -is The Liberty Bell March by John Phillip Sousa.
You all know this song already.
...but in case you've forgotten the tune:
youtube
Yeah.
The Van's favorite song is the goddamn Monty Python's Flying Circus Theme Music.
It does not play this song at a normal volume.
Every time I turn on the Backup Camera and it manages to turn the music player on as well, The Van insists on absolutely blasting this nonsense on at the maximum volume it's physically capable of producing, which I know is loud enough to be heard from the Denver International Airport's Pickup zone when they Van decided to start playing it from the economy lot about half a mile away.
Perhaps it's The Van's way of honoring the aesthetic sensibilities and sonic enthusiasm of Mr. Sousa.
...I can't help but wonder if the purpose of an Epic Van Wizard is to control this sort of faerie-like malarkey, and channel these chaotic energies into things like Spell of Don't Break Down In Nevada or Enchantment Of Always Have Good Parking.
---
So last Friday the 13th, I get a call from my friend and housemate, at said airport.
It's roughly 11PM at night, and I have already retired for the evening. I am in the exact minimum of clothing required to be a decent housemate and not scandalize the neighbors should I happen to walk by a window. My feet are up. There is a cat in my lap and fictional British people murdering each other in highly inventive fashion on the tv. -But my friend has returned from her friend's wedding,and either American or United Airlines has managed to lose her luggage, including, among other valuable possessions, the keys to her car. ...So she cannot just drive home as originally planned.
There are, as luck would have it, her spare set of keys not eight feet from me.
Being a good and decent person, I agree to bring the spare keys to her so she may get home before daybreak and not spend a semester's worth of tuition on an uber across the greater Denver traffic jam.
Being also that she Loves Activities, and it's her mom we're going to pick up, I elect to take along The Creature.
I am primarily focused on remembering how to get to the airport and not leaving my friend's spare keys on the counter, so I throw on a pair of flip-flops, step outside, remember that it's AUTUMN and my minimal evening attire is not sufficient thermal protection, step back in, grab the first coat in the closet I lay hands on, pull it on, check that I have her keys again and leave.
The trip to the airport is largely unremarkable, save that it becomes necessary for me to put on sunglasses to drive, despite it being nearly the witching hour and almost entirely darker than the inside of a cow.
It's necessary because this blissful darkness of night is violently punctured by a startling number of cars that seem to have installed miniaturized but no less powerful lighthouse bulbs in where their headlights ought to go so the oncoming traffic and sports cars that insist on tailgating me in the slow lane alike illuminate the road and my mirrors with the kind of radiance I'd normally associate with the arrival of a Seraphim.
I arrive at the distant highly discounted airport car lot where my housemate is waiting, deeply apologetic. It's nothing. I say. Once I see that your car starts up, I'm gonna go to that 7-11 across the way that I parked in front of, get a slurpee or something and I'll see you at home.
While she is retrieving her vehicle (an equally eccentric but much more stately Subaru that is old enough to be elected to congress) I rifle through the loose change in the glove box and discover that I have exactly $6.66 in small bills and coins. The Subaru, continuing it's long voyage into vehicular immortality, immediately starts up.
Upon her return, we all remember that my friend had all her camping gear in the backseat of the car and there is no room for The Creature to ride home with her parent, so I again assure her it's nothing, and will just take The Creature into the 7-11 with me. She is trained as a service animal and needs the practice after the plague.
I wave my friend off and turn to enter the 7-11.
I promptly trip over the jutting back bumper of The Van and fall, cartoonishly, face-first onto the sidewalk.
Fortunately, I have a lot of practice falling on my face, and have learned not to throw my hands out but instead cover my face, so my unexpected self-inflicted attempted curb-stomping lightly scrapes my hairline and nothing else -my sunglasses even stay in place- and I get up and resume my quest for a slurpee.
It's well known that the airport is a lawless place, and the 7-11 across from the discounted airport parking at the stroke of midnight is no exception.
I know it's the stroke of Midnight because there's one of those Audubon society bird-call clocks that makes bird noises, and my arrival is heralded by the twittering call of a Summer Tanager. I am almost charmed enough by the unusual choice of chronological device to excuse the exorbitant Airport-adjacent mark-up of Slurpee prices. I stand at the machine for some time, trying to decide on a size for the price and guess what the fuck "Blue Lighting Blast" is supposed to taste like.
The Creature is being Very Polite but is somewhat agitated, I assume because she *just* saw her mother for the first time in three days and then she LEFT with no explanation, so The Creature is on her hind legs, staring woefully into my eyes, asking to be escorted around the 7-11. Even though that's not what she's not supposed to be doing, there's nobody else in here, so I let her hang off my arm and discuss various Slurpee Flavor options with her.
We eventually decide on an experiment in which I try a Small Blue Lightning Blast, and discover it tastes a bit like licking a nintendo cartridge but in a pleasantly satisfying way.
I go up to pay and realize something is amiss.
The Cashier is a young man staring at me with wide eyes, one had over the register and the other wrapped up in his rosary.
I look down at myself.
In my haste to reunite my friend with her spare keys and service animal, I had left the house in the following accoutrements:
Flip Flops. Not matching. It's below freezing outside. That last part is not particularly odd footwear for the weather in for Colorado, but it's an important detail for the rest of the ensemble.
Assorted scrapes, bruises, cuts and welts on my arms and legs that come with doing outdoor work and living in a house with three dogs and a fully-clawed cat that all want to be in my lap all the time. It's cold out, so vasoconstriction has pulled the blood away from my skin, a trait that served my ancestors well during the last Ice Age, but leaves me with pale skin to contrast the various wounds and I look like a corpse that fell out of the back of a pickup truck.
The black Bootyshorts with "CRYPTID" painted in bright red gothic font across my ass, that @theshitpostcalligrapher gave me for my wedding present.
A peculiar but extremely comfortable garment that straddles the line between "Lacy Camisole" and "Industrial-Strength Sports Bra" like the Ever Given straddling the Suez Canal. It is also Bright Red. with black accents.
The Jacket I had grabbed out of the closet, which is in fact, a black Velour Dinner Jacket.
The Tokyo-Ghoul inspired reusable anti-covid mask a friend made me with the set of Coyote Teeth.
My sunglasses, which are shaped like a Halloween Bat. The lenses are the wings and the body is the nose bridge. It is ALSO bright red.
A Very Large and remarkably Humanoid Poodle that I have been audibly affectionately calling "Dear Creature" who is hanging off my arm like she's my Prom Date.
The Very Large and remarkably Humanoid Poodle is ALSO dressed up in a black Dog Sweater that has white bones printed on it to look like its an X-ray jacket showing off her skeleton.
I look like I am taking my Very Fancy Werewolf Girlfriend to a particularly casual Dinner Party for Vampires, but the thing that's really selling it and probably alarming the kid the most is the fun accessory I acquired in the parking lot not five minutes earlier:
The "Small Scrape At my Hairline" is actually a painless but PROFUSELY bleeding head wound that I had somehow entirely failed to notice covering my face, neck, decolletage and magnificent cleavage with blood like a Tarantino Film Extra.
This does explain why The Creature has been delicately trying to use her bodyweight to push me down onto the floor for the last ten minutes. So I don't injure myself while we wait for the paramedics she hoped this kid called to arrive, you see.
The Creature has such a High and Naive Opinion of humanity.
I decide this social situation is already fucked, and the only way out is through, and with haste, before I start dripping on the floor.
"Hi there!" I say cheerfully, to indicate this is a visually alarming but not terribly serious situation. "Just a Small Slurpee!"
The Cashier has entered the relevant code into the register before I finish the sentence. His gaze flicks off me just long enough to look at the total, and he grips his Rosary harder.
$6.66
"Oh cool! I have exact change!" I say, taking the money out of my as-yet-unsanguined pocket without looking and slap it down on the counter. "You have a good night and be safe out there!" I wave, leaving.
I get in The Van, mortified, buckle The Creature up, and as I make to leave, I have to put it in reverse, which automatically turns on the backup Camera.
It also turns on the music player.
I make eye contact with the cashier as the dulcet tones of John Phillip Sousa boom from the van hard enough to make the windshield and the windows of the 7-11 rattle for the nine-and-a-half seconds I have to wait to be able to turn the volume back down. Not knowing what else to to, I give him a thumbs up, and leave.
Anyway, now I know what my Future Van Wizard has got to be dressed like, and what their familiar is.
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