#Spending Big Bucks to Make a New House Look Old
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try-set-me-on-fire · 2 months ago
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They’ve got the little window over the sink open and Bobby keeps calling through it, asking for ingredients, utensils. Eddie clatters around the cabinet by the fridge.
“Third shelf,” Bobby says again, elbow on the sill. It doesn’t help any more than the first time he said it.
“I don’t even- Bobby, I don’t know what I’m looking for. Just- you can’t just use a normal spatula?”
“The flexibility and sharp edge of a fish spatula,” Bobby says, also for the second time, with a strained sort of patience, “Is perfect for sliding under-”
Buck’s arm reaches over Eddie’s shoulder and plucks a long slotted spatula from Bobby’s elaborate and baffling collection. “Got it.” He kisses the side of Eddie’s head as he keeps moving, lips catching the top of his ear. “It’s better for-”
“Pancakes, fritters, any sort of delicate patty, yeah, yeah, I heard.”
Bobby and Buck grin at him with identical raised eyebrows, it's kind of uncanny. “He’s not hopeless after all.”
“I do my best,” Buck says, smacking Eddie on the back and heading towards the door. “He’s come a long way.”
Eddie crosses his arms. “I don’t have to keep handing you shit. We’re not at work. I could make you walk inside every time.”
Bobby grins wider. “And I could give you all the burnt tater tots.”
Eddie pouts. “I’m reporting you to HR for unfair retaliation in response to labor concerns.”
“We’re not at work,” Bobby says, serenely. “Hand me the tenderizer.”
Eddie was sent in here, originally, like half an hour ago, to cut up the two giant watermelons Hen and Karen had brought direct from the farmers market, but he’d only got the knife halfway through the first one when the side quests started coming. He finally returns to the cutting board as Buck and Bobby’s voice drift further away, towards the grill. He cuts the thing in half and then stares at it so long he jumps a foot in the air when Maddie suddenly appears next to him.
“Woah,” she laughs. “What secrets of the universe does that watermelon hold?”
Eddie coughs out a chuckle. “I was just- debating the best shape to eat.”
She hums thoughtfully. “Big choice. Little cubes? Little cubes are nice. Or, like, slices?”
“I’ve always been a fan of a nice wedge.”
Maddie makes a triangle shape with her hands. “It is a classic.”
“Kind of makes your plate top heavy, though.”
“You’ve got two watermelons,” she points out.
“Wedges and cubes,” Eddie nods. “I like your way of thinking.”
She grabs a bowl from a different cupboard — why does everyone know this kitchen so well already? This is the new Grant-Nash residence house warming party, Eddie’s got lost on the way to the bathroom like three times since he got here — as he cubes the first melon. “How was the movie?”
“Hm?”
“Didn’t you and Buck go see Conclave earlier? The trailer looked interesting.”
“Oh, yeah.” Eddie scoops the cubes into the bowl and rinses his hands off before starting in on wedges.
Maddie laughs behind him. “… and how was it?”
“Oh! Uh- yeah, I mean- you know, horror movies, they’re fun.”
Maddie tilts her head. “Wait, wasn’t that one a drama?”
“Uh-”
“Wait.” She wrinkles her nose. “Were you just- were you making out with my brother literally the whole time?”
Eddie, hands up, gives her a bare teeth grimace of a smile as she cackles and whacks him with a towel. “Hey- I mean, I kind of looked up once, they were in some sort of- I don’t know, a theater or something? It was really dark in there? It looked kind of creepy.”
“Oh my god.”
“There’s a lot of Catholicism themed horror movies,” Eddie weakly tries to defend himself. “How was I supposed to know?”
“By watching it!” She laughs. “Why spend the $12?”
“My air conditioning is broken,” Eddie says sheepishly. “And it was 10 AM on a weekday, the only other person in there was 80 years old and snored through most of it.” He frowns. “Which also makes more sense if it wasn’t- I don’t know, I thought it was like The Conjuring?”
She laughs again, helpless giggles while she covers her face. Her daughter laughs the same way sometimes. “Don’t you have catholic guilt? Wasn’t that a thing?”
Eddie shrugs. “My abuela always says once I commit to something I never do it by half.”
“So, making out all through a movie about the pope?”
Eddie points at her. “Gay making out all through a movie about the pope.” He frowns again. “Damn, it was really about the pope? Okay I’m not- look, I’m not feeling guilty about that but, uh, if you ever talk to my grandmother or Pepa, uh-”
“I don’t think it would come up,” she says, patting his shoulder.
“They’re not- it’s- they wouldn’t like me making out with a girl during a pope movie, either, it’s not the gay thing.”
“I know, Eddie,” she says, more kind than teasing. “Everybody’s really happy for you,” kinder still.
“Oh.” His cheeks are probably bright red. “Uh. Thank you.” His ears burn as he busies himself with the watermelon again. “You know- I wouldn’t’ve got here, without Buck.”
Maddie comes close, presses their elbows together until he looks back up at her. “He deserves someone who doesn’t commit to things halfway.”
It makes Eddie laugh with soft edges, because: “I think… I’ve always been all the way, with him.”
She smiles so wide her nose crunches. “I know.”
There’s a tap at the window, and there he is, Buck himself. His nose is a little pink from the late October heat, he’s smiling real big. “Hi.”
“What do you want now?” Eddie’s tone is snappy but he’s sure his face is pure mush.
Buck sticks a thumb at Maddie. “Chim’s threatening to, and I quote, ‘eat five hundred tater tots,’” Buck pauses, presumably in service of Chim’s love of dramatic effect, then continues, “‘and then fall into a coma.’ So, like, if you wanna do something about that you might wanna get out there.”
“W-” Maddie starts to ask, and then shakes her head. She grabs the cube bowl. “At least he should have some fruit, too.” She flashes them a grin as she walks out the door, their laughter following.
When Eddie looks back at the window Buck has his chin in his hand, smiling at him. “What?” He laughs, ears hot again.
“Admiring the view,” Buck says, with the combination of flirtatious and earnest that Eddie has come to expect but is never prepared for. “Food’ll be up soon. Come and join us?”
Eddie leans forward over the sink. “Cap doesn’t need anything else?”
Buck shrugs, very close now. Eddie almost laughs wondering if he’s on his tiptoes in the dirt out there. “He can get his own shit. I’ll eat your burnt potatoes.”
Eddie closes the last half inch of distance and does laugh, right into Buck’s mouth. “We can share,” he says, magnanimous, because Buck’s always been all in, too. He can go halfsies, it’s only fair.
There’s shouting outside, Buck pulls back, drums on the windowsill. Smile, wink, turn. Eddie grabs the wedges, and hurries out the door.
(Ao3)
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quintessenceofdust88 · 1 month ago
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Congratulations on your followers milestone! ❤️
Prompt-
Clipboard Dad Buck prepares for family vacation
Thank you Hannah! ♥♥ and thank you for this adorableee prompt which allows me to play with two things I love: Clipboard Buck and parents Bucktommy! It got a little (a LOT) away from me haha, cause these kids really wanted their chance to shine, and it became a bit of a study in Bucktommy parenting, so here's more than 1,000 words of my personal headcanons on the matter. Anywayyyy Hannah darling I hope you enjoy it and forgive me for my tardiness with this one! I had a LOT of fun writing it, writing kids always makes me so happy ♥ WARNING: there's a wee bit spoiler of Little Blobs' Verse in this one, just the names of the Little Blobs, cause (gasp) they don't get to keep being called that after they're born! Only when they're being particularly chaotic, then Tommy might call them 'little blobs of terror' (affectionate).
-- "Okay, people, gather round, we need a family meeting!" Buck announces for Tommy, Leonardo and Stella as he enters the living room, his clipboard in hand. Tommy is sat on the couch, one twin in each side of him, and they're all staring at Buck with mild horror.
Even the twins know how intense their dad can get when a clipboard is put in his hands. They remember the Decoration Incident from their eighth birthday party, and how their Papa, uncle Eddie and uncle Chim had groaned after redoing a balloon arch for the sixth time cause the color scheme wasn't perfect.
After that, Tommy had unfortunately on total accident gotten rid of all the clipboards in the house. Apparently, their family trip to Disney World is serious enough to warrant a new one. "Alright. We have twenty-two hours before our flight and lots of things to do, so we need to divide and conquer" Buck says, and Tommy is uncomfortably reminded of his drill sergeant from the Army. Granted, his sergeant was nowhere near as cute as his husband, but still. "Mini Menaces, have you done what Daddy asked and separated the clothes you want me and Papa to pack for you?" "Daddy, if I don't take any clothes, can I use my suitcase to take Flash with us?" Leo asks, and Tommy chuckles. Flash is their one-year-old Newfoundland pup, who's already set to spend their vacation with Maddie and Chim (Jee and Kevin are thrilled; Chim, not so much), but Leo's quite attached to him. "I don't want him to miss us!"
"No, sweetheart" Buck says regretfully. "We talked about this, remember? Dogs are not allowed in Disney World?" Buck reminds him, as if that was the only problem in taking a 100-pound dog on vacation. "That's silly," Stella ponders. "How can they not allow dogs in Disney World if Pluto lives there?"
"And Goofy!" Leo adds helpfully, and wow, this conversation is taking a turn that Buck didn't quite expect.
"And Pongo!" Tommy adds this time, and Buck glares at him. He is so not helping. He seems to notice imminent danger, cause he wisely decides to change the subject. "Flash wouldn't like Disney World anyway, kiddo. He'll have way more fun drooling all over uncle Chim's floor and getting treats from Jee, I promise"
"Papa's right, Leo-bear. So if you didn't choose any clothes on the hopes of sneaking Flash in your bag..." He says, and Leo pouts (and wow, he's already a mini version of Buck, but it becomes even more evident when he does that).
"But... What if he misses us?" He asks, and Buck and Tommy exchange a look. It's always hard, balancing Leo's big heart with more practical things, but they find ways; they never want their son to lose his love for all living things.
"Tell you what, buddy" Buck crouches down to his level, putting the clipboard aside for a minute. "How about we send lots of pictures to Jee? She can show them to Flash, and we can make a video call if you want to"
"Pinky promise, Daddy?" Leo asks, stretching his pinky, and Buck links his own with it.
"Yeah, kiddo. Now go choose your clothes" He says, giving Leo an affectionate pat to get him moving. The boy scramps off with a "Thanks, Daddy!", apparently satisfied with the solution. Buck knows he'll probably have to double check, because in his excitement Leo may choose a band T-shirt with rain boots, but he likes to let the kids develop their independence.
"What about you, Stellina?" Tommy asks their daughter, and Buck has hopes there. Stella is (usually) much more sensible than her brother (she's usually much more sensible than her dads, but they don't like to admit that out loud). "Already decided what looks you wanna parade in Magic Kingdom?" "About that..." She says, puppy eyes in full effect, and Buck's always taken aback when she does that. Normally Stella looks much more similar to Tommy, down to the electric blue eyes and scrunchy smile, but her puppy eyes are full Buckley genes working their magic. "Are you sure I can only take two princess dresses? What if I wanna be three princesses, one for each day?!" And, well, who's Buck to tell his eight year old daughter she can't be three different princesses? Contrary to popular belief, clipboard!Buck is not heartless, he can be flexible (in all honesty, usuall he is heartless when in full planning mode, but never to his kids. He is a total sucker in their hands and they all know it).
"Well, you can add a princess dress, but then you can't take your astronaut outfit to Space Mountain, so you have to choose, baby" He says, because there's truly not enough space in her bag.
He and Tommy are already sharing one so the twins can have extra space for all the things they're buying at Disney World, and they will be buying stuff. They'd been saving their allowances for almost a year, and they got handfuls of money from aunt Hen and Karen, uncle Eddie, aunt Maddie and uncle Chim, nonna Rosa and a ridiculous generous amount from grandpa Bobby and Athena (never grandma Athena, both the twins agreed she's too badass to be called 'grandma', so she's always been just 'Athena' to them). One thing Tommy and Buck agreed on is their absolute refusal to pay extra bagage fees, so it's either the princess dress or the austronaut outfit. "Oh, then astronaut! I promised aunt Karen!" She says, and then pouts. "Daddy, I don't know which one to leave behind! I wanna be Elsa, and I wanna be Belle and I wanna be Mulan!"
He and Tommy exchange another look; Buck knows his own parents (and Tommy's dad) would never take such a dilemma seriously, but that's not the kind of parents they want to be. For an eight-year-old, yeah, having to choose which princess to be is a big deal, and they treat it like so. "I get you, little star" Tommy tells her, his expression absolutely serious. "All three fine choices of princesses. Which one is your most absolute favorite right now?" "Mulan!", she answers, and they're not surprised. It's Hen's favorite Disney movie, and Stella loves her aunts Hen and Karen to death.
"Alright, so Mulan's dress definitely has to go with us" Buck says, taking a note on his clipboard so she'll see he means business. "Now, between Elsa and Belle, who do you prefer?" "I don't know, I love them both!" She huffs, crossing her arms, her frown giving essential Tommy Kinard vibes. "Who do you prefer, Daddy?"
"Ah, well, sweetheart, I do love Belle, but Elsa has the best Disney song, hands down" Buck says, because they amount of times he, Tommy and the kids have belted Let it Go together is embarrassingly high. "And you, Papa?" She asks Tommy, and Buck always finds it sweet how she makes sure both of them weigh in on decisions that are important for her. He never felt this security with his own parents, and it warms his heart that his daughter has it with them. "I gotta agree with Daddy, principessa. If you meet Elsa with your dress, you can tell her all about the time you and your cousin Mara went as Elsa and mini Elsa for Halloween, what do you think?" "Yes, I want to do that! I'll put away my Belle dress! Thank you, Papa!" She says, wrapping her arms around Tommy's neck, and then, on her way to her bedroom, she wraps them around Buck's waist. "Thank you, Daddy!"
"Well, I hope your family meeting was adjourned, because they'll both be pretty busy for a while" Tommy says, hugging him from behind and pressing a small kiss to Buck's nape. And well, Buck would love nothing more than get some fun time with his husband, but the truth is the kids won't be busy for that long and he has a schedule to keep up with. "And so will we, mr. Kinard" He says, wrestling himself away from Tommy's arms (not without some internal battle, because part of Buck will always want to jump Tommy's bones at any given time) and beckoning him to follow Buck to the kitchen. "Next on our list is checking snacks, kids' documents, checking if they packed good shoes for walking around, making sure they're taking their sleeping stuffies..." As Buck trails off, his eyes fixated on the clipboard, he thinks he hears Tommy muttering something about feeding his clipboard to Flash next time.
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cal-daisies-and-briars · 4 months ago
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Finally we’ve got the new beginnings! Just met and just married! So much potential ahead of them!
⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️ (they be honeymooning! Bring on that newlywed bliss! I mean they’re basically always like that for each other but now they’ve got an excuse and by god are they gonna use it!)
📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖 (buck so would be a librarian in another live. Him being all nerdy and helpful and amazing with kids - especially christopher - watch out eddie! You’re gonna fall in love before you know it!)
I’m obsessed with your work and eternally grateful that you share it - but you already knew this :p hope you have fun writing these!
- PCA <3
Oh love this theme!!!!! You are so kind, PCA. I always look forward to your asks.
63 for ⚡️ (Yesssss more honeymoon phase!)
---
Eddie finishes saying goodbye to Adriana and Ravi, says a final goodbye to Christopher, and then puts Buck out of his misery at last by joining him in the truck. 
“We are four minutes behind schedule,” Buck chides as Eddie buckles his seatbelt. 
“Tragic,” Eddie smirks. 
“It will be when we don’t stop for coffee,” Buck warns.
Starting off their honeymoon with a very serious threat. Interesting tactic. Height of romance, really.
“Buck,” Eddie complains. “It’s only an hour and twenty minutes of driving. Surely we can spare a coffee run.”
Buck smirks. “Fine. But I’ll find a way to get my four minutes back at some point.”
Oh, Eddie is sure. He knows who he married.
“Just don’t take it out on the coffee.”
🗲🗲🗲
The rental in San Clemente is literally perfect. 
They’d discussed going further away. Mexico, maybe. But between the wedding, the house, and planning for another kid, they decided not to spend more than necessary. Plus, they already live in one of the most beautiful places in the world. They didn’t need to go very far. 
The moment they walk into the little condo, Buck knows they made the right choice. It’s a tidy one bedroom with a full kitchen, a king sized bed, a big shower, a private ocean-view balcony, and a walk down to the beach. 
“This is incredible,” Eddie grins, walking out onto the balcony. 
“We are going to enjoy this balcony,” Buck agrees. 
Eddie shoots him a look. “Buck…”
“Honeymoon rules apply here, Eddie,” Buck tells him.
“Honeymoon rules?” Eddie asks skeptically. “What are those?”
“Making them up as I go along,” Buck informs him.
Eddie rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling. 
Yeah. They’re definitely going to enjoy the balcony. 
☆☆☆
Neither of them has had a honeymoon before. Neither of them is particularly accustomed to vacations, either. Though, perhaps Buck has some of the old Peruvian resort lifestyle living in him somewhere. Needless to say, it takes them both a minute to figure out what to do with literally nothing they need to do. Buck unpacks the groceries. Eddie searches the cupboards for glassware and pours them wine in nice, big blue-tinted glasses. They manage to relax on the balcony for, like, an hour, before they both get a bit twitchy.
“We aren’t sit and stare at the sea people, are we?” Eddie asks.  
“No, I don’t think we are.” Buck agrees. 
“What do honeymoon rules say about swimming while slightly intoxicated?” Eddie posits. 
A little ill-advised. But it’s not like they’re shit faced. And, well, Eddie doesn’t have a lot of ill-advised fun stories. 
“Oh, let me review with the board,” Buck teases. “Hmm. Apparently it’s fine if we conveniently forget we’re first responders.”
“And parents?” Eddie suggests.
“Oh, yeah. Good call.”
“Then maybe we can have some fun?” Eddie wiggles his eyebrows.
“I like the sound of that.”
---
51 for 📖 (YEAH EDDIE WILL):
---
No one is home. 
As he drives away, he just hopes the gesture will be appreciated and not seen as totally creepy. 
viii. 
It’s a long time before Buck hears back about the gift. Which is good in that, he doesn’t get in trouble for abusing the library cardholder database. He spends two weeks nervous he’s going to hear about that every shift.
When he does hear back about it, it’s the fall. School starts up again, and Christopher is enrolled in the aftercare programs. Buck is relieved when he sees his name on the lists.  Like it’s a sign that perhaps things are okay.
He sees Christopher again before he sees Eddie. Right away during the first week of school. 
“Chris!” Buck exclaims happily when he sees him come through the library doors. “How are you, pal? It’s been a while.”
“I’m good,” Christopher answers happily. Then, he walks over, and gives Buck a quick hug. “Thank you for my books, Buck. They made me smile.”
Buck ends the hug quickly. It’s kind of a discouraged behavior. Though a gray area when the kid initiates. But he’s touched. Happy the gift had an impact, and that Chris remembers. Even after a few months. 
“You’re welcome,” Buck replies. “I’m really glad to see you back, kiddo.”
Chris smiles. “Thanks, Buck.”
It’s a few more days until he sees Eddie. When he does, he’s sort of concerned. It’s not exactly the Eddie he remembers. His hair is shorn. His eyes are tired. There’s a strange pattern of bruises on his forearms. He looks rough. If they were actually friends, Buck would ask him about it. But all he can do is quietly observe.
“It’s good to see you again,” Buck smiles as Eddie approaches the front desk before picking Chris up. “We missed Chris around here.”
Eddie nods. “I, uh… I wanted to thank you. Your gift was really appreciated. Sorry I didn’t say anything sooner.”
“Hey, that’s not why I sent it. Just wanted you both to know… Well, that I’m really sorry.”
“Thank you,” Eddie says. “That’s kind.”
There’s a hollowness in his voice. Like he’s accepted a lot of condolences lately. 
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issdisgrace · 1 year ago
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SUPRISE VISIT​
WARNINGS: None, unless your counting swearing​
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Walking down the street, I pass a group of men bickering back and forth. I smile to myself as I come to a stop in front of the door of the restaurant that read The Beef. This was the restaurant Carmy had recently inherited from his brother after his death. It wasn’t bad a little old looking, but nice none the less. Opening the door of The Beef the bell above the door rings out alerting the workers. A man in his 30s or 40s coming out of the kitchen. 
“What can I get you?” I notice the way he ever so slightly sizes me up thinking of the chance he would have if I caused problems.
“I’m here to see Carmen.” He nods before yelling out.
“Ahh, Carmy there’s a guy in a suit out here asking for you. I think you’re in trouble.” I laugh silently to myself. He’s far form in trouble.
“Give me a minute. I’ll be right there.”
“You heard the man give him a minute. So, can I get you something?”
I look from him to the menu that sits above him, scanning the menu. Nothing really standing out to me.
“What do you recommend?”
“I personally love the Philly Cheesesteak. We make the bread here in the house and we get the streak fresh each day.”
“Sounds good. I’ll take that and water.”
“Alright, that will be 10 bucks.” I take out my wallet and take out a 20 and hand it to him. 
“Keep the change.”
“Thanks, I’ll get your order started right up.”
Just as he says that, the door leading to the kitchen swings open revealing Carmen. He walks out and our eyes meet.
“Y/n? What are you doing here? I thought you were going to be in New York for a couple more days.” Carmen questions as he walks towards me. The other man disappearing to where Carmen came from.
“Managed to wrap up things quicker than expected. So I thought I’d fly here to surprise you and to get something to eat. First class plane food can’t beat anything made in a kitchen that your chief of.” Carmen nods, walking around the counter before engulfing me into a hug. Hugging him back, I kissed the top of his head.
“I missed you.” He says into my shoulder.
“I missed you too, my love. Also, I have surprise for you.”
“What is it?” He says, pulling back from the hug. I reach into my front left pocket and pull out a set of keys. I hold them out for him.
“What are these?”
“These my love are the keys to our home right here in Chicago.”
“What? How?”
“An old friend of mine hooked me up. It’s a 4 bedroom, 4 and a half bath, tall ceilings, big windows, in a nice spot.”
“But what about your job?”
“I transferred to the firm here in Chicago and I’ll be making a little more than I was.”
“That’s great Y/n.”
“Yes, it is, and it also means I’ll have a little more time to spend with you. I was thinking maybe we could go on a little vacation.”
“I’m sorry I can’t. The guys need me here.”
“I don’t think the place will burn down without you here. You need some time to relax and ….”
“Got your Philly Cheesesteak, fresh off the grill. Here you go.” The man says, sliding the Philly cheese steak across the counter.
“Thank you.” I say. He nods before turning around to get my water out of the fridge. He places it on the counter in front of us.
“So you two a thing.” He asks, gesturing between me and Carmen.
“Richie met my fiancée Y/n. Y/n meet Richie. He’s our resident smart ass.”
“Nice to meet you, Y/n. Didn’t know Carmy had it in him to be with someone long enough to get engaged. You paying him or something?”
“Nice to meet you too Richie and no I’m not paying Carmen.”
“Hmm, could have fooled me. What you do for work?”
“I’m a lawyer.”
“What type of lawyer are you? I could use one. I got another custody hearing in a couple of weeks.”
“Richie, you are not going to use my fiancée as a way to get out of paying for child support.”
“Hey, I’m trying to get weekend visitations. I don’t care about the stupid money.”
“I could probably help you out with that. I’d just need prior custody and child support agreements.”
“Sweet, thank you.”
“Alright, alright Richie fuck off back to the kitchen.” 
“Alright, no need to be grouchy, Carmy. I’m not gonna steal your man. I don’t like men like that.” With that Richie went to the back, out of sight. Alone again, I look down at Carmen.
“There was no need to be so rude, Carmen.”
“I’m sorry. It’s just Richie somehow manages to get people to help him, then he messes it up and ends in worse trouble.”
“It’s ok. I’m happy to help and plus, if he’s going to be someone I’ll see around a lot I might as well get to know him.”
“I guess you’re right.”
“I know I am, love.” I say looking down on the watch and notice it was 1.
“I’m sorry to cut things short, my love. But the movers should be there at the house soon, and I’ll need to let them in. What time will you get done here tonight?”
“7 maybe 8.”
“Alright, I’ll be back then my love. I love you so much.” I say, giving him a quick kiss before grabbing my Philly and my water.
“I love you too Y/n.” I give him another kiss before quickly leaving The Beef. I smile to myself. I feel good about this. This feels like a new chapter for me and Carmen. I can’t wait to see where this goes.
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crows-murder · 6 months ago
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20 questions for writers
thanks for the tag @they-reap-what-we-sow!! <33 💜💜
1. how many works do you have on AO3?
92! my goal for the end of the year is to get to 100!
2. what's your total AO3 word count?
545,947 which is an insane number ajskdsl
3. what fandoms do you write for?
i've written for a lot of fandoms, but my current active ones are MacGyver (2016), ROTTMNT, and the batfam
4. what are your top 5 fics by kudos?
buried hope - tim spends another birthday alone and makes bad decisions, lots of angst and some jason being (reluctantly) protective, my favorite thing. krow made me a cover for this fic and i absolutely ADORE IT.
Familial Bonds - crack-ish fic where the fam finds out tim has been minus a spleen for months and didn't tell anyone. i have an angstier version of this fic lmfao.
Late Night Encounters - a classic! it is so very dear to me. jason meets tim late one night after patrol and doesn't realize he's looking at tim drake, the robin he's sort of trying to murk, and ends up really caring for this tiny little kid.
My House of Stone, Your Ivy Grows - jason rescues tim as a civilian and his attempt at getting revenge is thwarted by big brother protective instincts. a CLASSIC TROPE.
Fever Dream - tim has a nightmare the night jason as red hood shows up at titan tower and thinks he's straight up hallucinating jason lmao.
5. do you respond to comments?
i try my best but i am a very anxious person and i tend to bluescreen anytime i receive praise and all i think i could manage to say in reply is just keyboard smash. sometimes if i'm asked a question or if it's a close friend, i'll reply.
usually it takes me a long time to do so, but i'm trying to be better at replying to comments 💪
6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
oh i've got a few hurt/no comfort fics but i think i'd have to say my one and only MCD fic. it's part of my urban fantasy series that is very dear to me <3 i DID cry writing it, yes.
7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
i have a handful of fluff fics with no or minimal angst, but i think my favorite one is this extremely silly one i wrote for my urban fantasy AU, Summer Memories, with dick and jason
8. do you get hate on fics?
rarely, which i'm so thankful for. i don't even bother wasting my time with those, i just immediately delete them.
9. do you write smut? If so, what kind?
i don't lol.
10. do you write crossovers?
not really. i have exactly one (1) crossover fic and it's actually the very first fic i posted on ao3!
11. have you ever had a fic stolen?
as far as i'm aware, nope.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
no, not yet!
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
yes! there's a round robin fic i wrote with my friends in our batfam server!! it was genuinely so much fun i'd absolutely love to do another round robin fic.
i also have a 911 series with @dottie-wan-kenobi and @they-reap-what-we-sow that originated as a discord thread where we gave buck a daughter pre him joining the 118 (that i have yet to post something for. one day, i promise). it's one of my favorite AUs we came up with, and boy did we come up with a lot of those lmao.
14. What's your all-time favorite ship?
honestly? probably several, but i'm currently rewatching narnia with my sisters and susan pevensie and prince caspian had SUCH an impact on 7 year old me.
15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will?
oh boy. i don't talk about this fic for several reasons (one of them being that it was written when i was very new to the batfam fandom and the way i wrote most characters was influenced by fanon, which i've definitely grown past now) but Born to Run is a fic i'm... unfortunately not sure i'll ever finish. maybe one day i'll rewrite it because i still really like the concept, but i'm focused on other projects and it's not actually very high up on my list of WIPs.
(i think you can tell i was really new to the fandom with that fic, and to fic writing in general (prior to this fic i'd only written like, 3 others?) my writing has improved a LOT since then and i cringe just thinking about my old writing)
16. What are your writing strengths?
oh boy lmao. i suck at answering questions like that because i tend to fixate much more on my weaknesses lol.
but i think i'm good at describing settings and feelings. i've been told in comments before that i'm very good at immersing my readers in the story i'm telling, which is the compliment EVER actually.
i also like to think i write good, human dialogue because i act it out a LOT with myself and probably look insane to anyone looking at me asjdskdfld
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?
unless i can have a native speaker to check the grammar of the sentence for me, i don't usually write dialogue in another language. i don't trust google translate. anyway i do prefer writing the dialogue in english and in the dialogue tags add "she said in [x language]"
19. First fandom you wrote for?
oh boy. fucking voltron back in 2018.
20. Favourite fic you've written?
oh. i'm very critical of my own writing but i DO have several favorite fics!! it's hard to pick just one but. shamelessly putting the steph-centric fic i posted back in february bc i love it very much <3
no pressure tags @witchofthemoss @goldenraeofsun @cuephrase @a-canceled-stamp @silverandsunflowers @fleur-de-violette and anyone else who wants to do this! <3
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flokali · 1 year ago
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im so happy you agree because luke IS a puppy with a big heart !! i could talk about him all day because he's just so ?? my second favorite is artem. i love the little detail of being able to pull his tie down lolol
i haven't played in forever so im hoping the new cards are looking sick as hell! be careful not to spend too much ok?
- (luke lover)
OMG, Luke Lover !! I’ve limited myself, huhuhu;; Had a spiritual awakening when I saw the expression on my sibling’s face when I told them about the sixty bucks… I never thought a 15 year old’s gaze of disappointment could be so cold (TT)
Yes, Luke is so… puppy-coded, baby boy waited 8 years and never forgot you and is willing to sacrifice his own happiness and well-being for you, he makes me sick (positive). I love, love Luke because his love for MC is so pure and he’s just such an interesting character! Like, the little glimpses we see into his past, those 8 years training away from you, when he goes “Raven” and loses the spark in his eye, especially when it’s because he does it protect you (TT);; The scene in the first event, “Lost Gold”, where he breaks the guy’s finger? And is like… “talk or else you lose the other nine”, that’s one of the first times we see “Raven”, and it’s like, wow… do that again. And seeing him progress… especially his latest Sweet Chapter story, my boy is going through IT on the Main Story (all of them are tbh) but I’m delusional so the MS doesn’t exist for me and Luke is healthy, happy, blessed, rich, famous, loved, and totally 100% fine mentally and physically (^_^)
And Artem (TT), Mr. Wing give me one chance I’ll blow your mind and coc— he’s just so!! Malewife-house-husband-breadwinner-hopeless-romantic-coded, I feel like… even if you’re not an Artem stan, you can appreciate him! And! And! And! His tie… please, whenever I go bother him it’s the first thing I do, his face when you pull it down, the little blush before he fixes it, the way he adjusts it… he’s just so !!! There’s just something about how he’s the oldest LI but he’s also the shyest, the one who pins and pins to the point those around him are begging him to do something already! Celestine really is his number one hype-woman;; she’s probably going to be the one to celebrate the wedding the most when you get married (TT) And the little things he does to be with you? The watching romance movies, reading books, noting down things he thinks you may like, the going out of his way to be with you/near you, the way his demeanor changes when you’re around… All of his cards and stories are so !!!
Ughhh, I may love Vyn to hell and back (mostly to hell) but if I were MC, I have to say, Artem or Luke would probably be my choices as lovers. Don’t get me wrong, Marius and Vyn are probably one of my favorite characters in media, period, but Artem and Luke are peak boyfriend - fuck, even just friend - material. I don’t think there’s ever been a franchise where I’ve rooted so deeply for a character to end up with the MC/Player as ToT with Luke or Artem (+_+)^^
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shamelessrabbithole · 1 year ago
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About the last post about Noel's career and financial status:
You always summarize things perfectly or very understandable, I like that a lot about you. Now my clumsy thoughts put together lol: We should also not forget, that successfull actors get paid in a short time much more than most of us "normies" in 5 or 10 years. An average working family can live in a house too, plus have kids+pets. So isn't it pretty standard to have a house in America? Maybe he bought it, when he was at his peak with shameless and now he only has to pay for his monthly fixed costs like gas, electricity, insurance plus some grocieres. I don't think, that the house was exorbitant expensive. And as i said in a comment before, he doesn't live in a exclusive celebritie area, it's a normal neighbourhood. And as i said in a comment before, he doesn't live in a exclusive celebritie area, it's a normal neighbourhood, at least this is what i know from other sources.
He and Layla doesn't look like people who spend hundreds of dollars on new clothes monthly and I doubt, that they go out a lot at fancy restaurants. Maybe Layla wouldn't mind a more fancy lifestyle, if the opportunity was given, but I think Noel is a very simple man and he is just happy with his coffee and a good book or maybe some good inexpensive Mexican food. I understand that you are worried about him, because he is taking an obviously long break and whatever Layla does (sorry, I'm still not her bestie), but I don't worry too much about them anymore. Hell, if I would earn 204,000 per year, I would take a long break too. I don't even have half of this per year and i live a pretty good life too! We really shouldn't worry or pity actors too much for financial reasons lol, they are fine, they earn much more than most of us. Is he waisting talent and precious years of his youth, because he is such a good actor and we all want to see him work again? Yes. Do we want him to be more active on social media, even if he just posts nonsense or doing handstands or reading a book in his stupid backyard? Yes. Am i getting too emotional again, because he obviously doesn't care what we, his fans, want or think? Yes 😂 That's all for now 🤣
Thank you for the compliment. 😊 He does live in a relatively modest house that he purchased years ago, and I also don't recall him spending big bucks on renovations. Also, even though this quote is very old, he talks about how he's been driving the same car since 2002. https://noelfisherfans.com/fun-stuff-about-noel/
Not every actor in LA is earning money hand over fist. And many do have to work multiple jobs in order to stay afloat while they keep auditioning. But Noel has 70 IMDB listings to his name. Some were probably low-paying, some much higher, but Shameless in particular earned several of the actors up to $250k-$350k per episode (Emmy and Bill). This wasn't a low-budget indie show and it lasted 11 seasons, which is the longest-running show in Showtime's history. Somehow I doubt Noel was shortchanged salary-wise, especially at the end when the show needed him and Cameron to keep it from being canceled after Emmy's departure.
I don't think Noel is wasting his talent or his youth. I just feel it's not as easy to book roles as people seem to think. I was listening to one of Cam's friends, Madisen Beaty, do a TikTok live a few months ago in which she said that even before the actor and writer's strikes, a lot of Hollywood TV and film production was on pause because everyone knew the strikes were coming. So there's been a longer lull than even most people realize.
I also wish he'd post literally anything just to give us something to cling to. It sucks that he doesn't. He's turning 40 soon. Hopefully, it'll be a big enough reason for him to get out of hibernation and make some noise about it. 🤷🏻‍♀️
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trail-mx · 1 year ago
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Prompt is courtesy of @writing-prompt-s:
"You are a werewolf and everyone in the village knows. When its nearing the full moon they all help you baricade yourself in your home since you are the only wheat farmer in town. Everything was fine until some self righteous lord takes over and demands not only your land but your home as well."
. . . . . . .
"Allen killed his first deer yesterday - he wants you to have it."
I look up from my tea, surprised. "I hadn't realized he was old enough to go hunting yet. How big are we talking?"
"Oh, nothing much. It's just a full-grown buck, weighing shy of 270 pounds with an 8-point rack."
"270!" I sputter, tea almost coming out of my nose. The bastard timed that bit of information too well. "Paulie, I can't accept that. Winter is coming. His family will - "
"His family has already agreed to give it to you." Paulie - or 'Little Paul' as he's called by the folks in the village - interrupts what's gearing up to be a fully reasoned argument as to why I cannot accept such a fine offering. "Mary considers it a good omen that he got it right before the moon."
I look down towards my tea again. I'm not one to believe in omens, but even I find the timing of a 12 year old killing a full-grown buck on his first hunting trip now of all times to be suspicious. Allen's family has been very kind to me since I came out about my 'Moonly Issues', and I would be a fool to turn away such a thoughtful gift. Mary would probably tan my hide and put it in the entryway of their home as a warning to others about accepting the kindness of your neighbors.
However, I've never been one to give in easily. "Tell them I'll pay them the full value after the moon."
Paulie's blue eyes dance with restrained laughter. "You're welcome to tell them that yourself. I'd rather avoid the lecture."
He takes a long sip of his warmed cider, his preferred drink during autumn. This year, the season seems to be rushing towards winter faster than anyone wants. Being this close to the Full Moon makes me more susceptible to the cold, so I've wrapped my hands around my own tea and desperately wish to bury myself in about four thick blankets.
"Cold?" Paulie asks, a look of understanding crosses his face as I reluctantly nod. "This weather is miserable. I'll get with the twins to make sure you have extra blankets when you wake up tomorrow."
I sigh. The twins will probably make sure I have every blanket in town if they have their way. "Please try to temper their enthusiasm. You know how they get."
"I know. Cara and I will supply the blankets. That should ensure you only have to deal with a small mound of covers rather than an avalanche."
I laugh. "Thanks, Paulie. What would I do without you?"
"Mmm... you'd survive. We're just happy to look after you. Mark is just glad you're making use of the old property. He's willing to sell it to you for a fair price."
I shake my head. "I have no need for two properties. My little homestead is just fine. It's just a little..."
Paulie scratches his scruffy beard while he hums in understanding. "You know how Tall John installed those new iron-bound wooden doors to both your home and this house? All the reading he and Jacob have done says that should be enough to keep you locked in during the change, but I respect your desire to keep a healthy distance from the town."
"It's not that I don't appreciate their research," I say while looking around the sparsly furnished room. I don't need much this time of the month and had been forced to spend more time than I thought I would arguing with Mark that, no, I didn't need a better bed. I'd probably just destroy it. "It's just that I don't want to risk anyone. You've all been very kind."
"Of course we are!" He grins. "If it wasn't for you, Suzi might not have made it through last winter. Plus, the grain you stored away kept the whole village fed when the meat ran out. We're just returning the favor."
I look down to hide my blush. I had only been doing what was right. There was no reason to hoard all that extra grain when it would feed the village. As for Suzi - Paulie's youngest - she had been ill off and on all winter, and it seemed that fresh meat helped. It hadn't been that much of a hardship to get as far from civilization as possible during the Full and hunt.
Taking care of the Pack is instinct for the Wolf, after all.
"It was nothing, Paulie." I say. "I was happy to help."
"And we're happy to look after you." Paulie replies. "Now, do you need anything before I go and tell Allen the good news?"
I think about it a moment. The town always makes sure that there is plenty of tea to drink and books for me to read while I wait for moonrise. I prefer to lock myself away the whole day of the Full Moon - not because I'm dangerous the whole day, but because I'm always so blasted cold even during the height of summer and it makes my joints ache something fierce.
Others with my affliction say it's different for everyone - some are more sensitive to the chilled pull of the moon than others. Many say it's a sign of strength, with the more spiritual saying that the moon blesses her chosen to sense her power even during the day so that they can pull on it if the need arises.
I just find it to be entirely uncomfortable. So, I hide away in the cabin, downing cups of near scalding tea while wrapped in the warmest sweater I own in an attempt to stave off the chill.
"Another blanket if you don't mind. Oh, and if you can ask Big Paul to place something heavy in front of the door after you're done bringing things over, that would be great."
Paulie doesn't roll his eyes, but I can tell he's considering it as he stands. I have always found it ironic that the town calls Paulie 'Little Paul' despite being 6 feet tall and 250-odd pounds. Then again, 'Big Paul' is 5 inches taller and at least 50 pounds heavier.
"Don't I always? I already planned on speaking with Paul anyway. I'll need his help to bring the buck over. Sucker is heavy."
"You do know they invented this new device. I've heard it's called a wagon. Means you don't have to drag the beast all the way here." I tease.
"I'm familiar." He drawls, standing in the doorway. "However, would you like to bring that beast in here yourself?"
"No, thank you!" I rush to say. No way would I be able to bring that inside. Plus, that would mean going outside where it is cold.
"Then hush. I'll be back in a while."
. . . . . . . .
"Oh dear. Why do you always insist on sleeping on the floor? I have it on good authority that even dogs enjoy sleeping on the bed."
I roll over and open my eyes, squinting them in the light. I feel vaguely hungover and my body aches some. The change last night must not have been as awful as it could have been. I've had better ones, but on average, this one wasn't terrible. Lonely, but not painful.
"Bed is awkward when you're 7 feet of gangly Wolf limbs." I reply to the voice. "Floor is easier."
"Hmph. Sure it is! Maybe we'll just have to make you a bigger bed then!"
"Ugh, no." I roll over to face the voice, almost rolling into a pool of blood. I almost panic for a second - did someone get in? - when I remember the deer. That would explain the mess and why I only feel like I drank too much last night rather than like I'm recovering from a terrible illness.
"No? Don't tell me this is some sort of 'Punishment' thing! Just because some idiots think that your illness is some sort of 'Divine Retribution' for whatever sin your ancestors committed doesn't mean you don't deserve to be comfortable." Eva - one half of the brown eyed, brown haired Harrison twins - is looking down at me with a look of mild disappointment.
"No. It's practical." I say, sitting up. At some point, one of them must have put 3 blankets over me. I'm thankful and wrap myself in one. Not that there is any shame in my naked form, and the twins would scold me if I even considered it, but it takes a couple hours for the moon's chill to recede. "I'll just tear at a mattress with my claws trying to get comfortable."
"Hmm..." she squints at me. She doesn't buy it, but isn't going to argue with the only Werewolf she knows over the matter. Especially when there are more important issues. "Are you hungry?"
"I could eat."
"Hah! You sure? You certainly gorged yourself last night!" Eva gestures to the bloodied mass on the floor next to me.
I shrug self-consciously. The Wolf is always such a messy eater. "Transformation takes a lot out of you."
"Well, Lacey will get something fried up for you. Won't you, Lace?" Eva looks over to the small kitchenette in the corner where her twin is standing by the stove, eyebrow arched in challenge.
Lacey doesn't rise to the bait, which is odd. If there is anything that the twins enjoy more than hovering over me after the full moon, it's arguing with each other. They will argue over anything and everything. They find it to be good fun - everyone else just finds it bewildering.
Eva is also disconcerted by the lack. "Lacey! Won't you start breakfast for our dear doggy pal here? I'd do it, but I'm cleaning up deer viscera."
"What? Oh, sure! What sounds good, dear?" Lacey seems to be trying to shake off whatever is distracting her with limited success, considering she - with her well-known sensitive disposition - doesn't even acknowledge the mention of deer guts on the floor.
"Now I know something is wrong. What's gotten into you?" Eva almost sounds concerned rather than irritated, but only just.
"Oh, it's that notice on the community board. The one about the Lord."
"What notice?" I ask, gathering my blanket around me while standing up and making my way to the little table. The aches are easing - I'll have to come up with something nice to give to Allen if he won't accept payment for the buck.
"The one they put up today about how our village is being given to some Lord or another." Eva says, tone unimpressed and hands covered in gore. "All that means is our taxes fill a different coffer is all."
"That's not what Marcie is saying! She's heard of this Lord Ransom. Apparently, he was given ownership over another village and he either bought out the villagers' homes or harrassed them into leaving."
"Lace, I know you like the girl, but where would Marcie have heard anything about a Lord? She barely leaves her house!" Eva exclaims in disbelief, hands flying up.
I flinch back as some blood lands on my face. I'm sure my face is already a bloody mess, but I don't desire to make it any worse.
"Watch it, you fool! You're getting blood everywhere!" Lacey scowls, coming over with a wet towel to wipe my face. "And if you must know - she heard it from her cousin. She does write to her extended family fairly often. Just because you never mastered the proper social graces doesn't mean the rest of us didn't."
Eva rolls her eyes but does keep the gestures to a minimum. "And this supposed 'cousin' of hers knows this Lord Ransom?"
"I'm given to understand that he knows him well enough, even if they're not exactly bosom buddies."
"Hmm..." Eva hums, then uncharacteristically changes the subject while turning to face me. "Would you mind if I took some of this antler? My boy has gotten it in his head that he'd like to take up carving and has been asking for antlers. Don't know how long his interest will last, but I figure 'why not?'"
"Take the whole carcass, or what's left of it. I have no need of it. Just ask him to let me know if he makes something he's proud of and wants to sell. I'd like to get a chance to look at it first." There - that takes care of both dealing with the deer and gives me the opportunity to get my debt to Allen's family cleared if they won't accept my money.
"Delightful. I'll be sure to ask. Thank you."
I just nod and look over at Lacey for a moment while Eva begins to clean and wrap up the deer. She's looking distracted again while frying up the bacon.
I clear my throat. It's going to be a bit sore from the howling for a day or two. "You know, Eva is probably right about that Lord Ransom, but I've got some contacts myself within the Werewolf community. I'll send out some letters over the next couple of days. What did the notice say? Anything about a meeting?"
"Yes, there's to be a meeting with both the Tax Collector and the Lord in two weeks at the tavern. All adults are encouraged to attend." Lacey looks over her shoulder. "And thank you, dear. I appreciate you looking into it."
"Well, now that those issues are being looked into and your worries are settled," Eva wanders over after washing up outside. The carcass was wrapped up and placed in their wagon presumably. "Maybe you can focus on breakfast. The bacon is about to burn."
"Oh, bother!"
. . . . . . . . .
"This is highway robbery! We can't afford those taxes! We're barely making enough to cover the current rate as is!"
"I don't like it either, Mark, but what can we do?" Paulie yells over the angry din of the tavern. "The new Lord has the right to set the tax rate. We'll just have to adjust!"
"Adjust!" Mark yells, grey mustache quivering. "You can't drain blood from a stone! There's no adjusting to such!"
I wince at the volume, thankful that the moon is dark in the sky. Closer to the Full, I'd be practically whimpering under the table. I cannot say I disagree with the man, however. It is an unfair amount, especially for a town that is constantly walking far too close to famine each winter.
I look around the table. The whole tavern is full, but seated with me are those who help me the most often during the moon. There's Paulie, local busybody/my friend; Cara, Paulie's wife and the schoolteacher with intense green eyes; Mark, the village blacksmith and carpenter; Jacob, Mark's eldest son and the villages pharmacist; Mary and Charles, Allen's parents and owners of the only other farm in town outside of my own; and the twins Eva and Lacey who, when they're not caring for a tired Werewolf post moon, run the tavern and small inn.
"Maybe we can discuss it further with him. He said that he'd be in town the next couple of weeks." Mary says while brushing her blonde hair out of her face. "If we can get the figures together, maybe we can help him see. He's not familiar with the area - he admitted to that much. He might not realize that we simply can't afford what he's asking for. "
"No, I know the type." Charles massages his knuckles while he speaks. The chill of autumn is hard on his arthritis, or maybe he's imagining punching that swarmy Tax Collector on the nose. I certainly am. "He 'earned' his money on the backs of the people. He'll break us first before he'll compromise."
"Well, it doesn't hurt to try, right?" Eva points out, her expression sour, but not just because of the topic. The person to deliver the Lord Ransom's 'most generous and gracious tax plan' was the Tax Collector, otherwise known as her ex... something or other. No one has ever really said for certain, except to say that their falling out was more like a nasty explosion that rocked the town. "He just wants money - maybe he'll take installments instead of one lump sum at the end of the year."
"I'm not sure we could even afford that," Lacey looks over at me, eyebrows knitted in concern. "What did your contacts say?"
The table goes quiet, and everyone looks towards me. They have all been curious about my network of Werewolf contacts. I tried to explain that we were all just people who happened to have a pretty major, life-altering condition in common - one that is fairly demonized and greatly misunderstood by a good majority of the population. It makes sense to have a network, even if to only be sure we didn't settle in an area where people would kill us. It isn't anything different than keeping up with some extended family.
Considering how focused everyone at the table is on me, I don't believe it sunk in.
"He's rich, powerful, and well connected. The rumors Marcie's cousin heard are true - he has been buying up towns and villages. Most of my better connected friends are confused as to why - it makes more sense to keep the village intact and collect taxes. What they do know is that all the places he bought out were old mining towns. Some still are in operation, but most haven't been used in years."
"So he's after the mines, then." Jacob speaks up for the first time that night, swirling his drink in his glass. "At least we know that much."
"What mines?"
"There's nothing in those mines. They were stripped ages ago."
I look over to Paulie, who had spoken when I did. I raise an eyebrow.
"The silver mines. They lay just outside the village. Been blocked off for years once they were stripped of anything of value at the time. They closed when I was a kid." Paulie nods at me, then gives me a quelling look when I notice the play on words.
Not the whole story, then - something to discuss later.
"Regardless of his reasons, the tax issue must be addressed." Mark presses.
We all agree on that much.
. . . . . . . . .
"I kept my peace, but I want to know what you mean by 'at the time.'"
Paulie looks over to Jacob. "You're the one who brought it to my attention. You explain it."
Jacob never looks comfortable. Tonight, sitting at my table, he looks less so. He's accepting of my furry problem, but he's heard too many horror stories to ever be completely at ease in my home.
It's just the three of us. Paulie wouldn't say why, but I knew he wanted to keep this quiet, so I invited him for late night tea. The village is used to us meeting up that no one will think too much about Paulie inviting his pal Jacob along.
Jacob clears his throat. "You're not the only one who has been exchanging letters with others outside of town. I've got an uncle up north who is really into new science innovations, and he's been all excited about a new mineral that has been discovered that has some rather explosive properties if bonded with other elements. Apparently, kingdoms are clamoring for it to continue their wars and are willing to pay handsomely for it."
"Let me guess: this miracle mineral is found in silver mines."
"It appears so. The problem is that if you want this mineral for its explosive properties, it has to be processed a certain way almost immediately after being removed from the earth, or else it's just a pretty, if useless, rock."
"That's why he's scooping up the land around the mines. He needs the space." Paulie muses.
Jacob nods. "He would need both a place to store the mineral before and after the processing as well as space for treatment."
"Okay, now that we've answered that, here's the real question: Why?" I look at them both.
"Why what?"Jacob asks.
"Why the pretense? Why pretend he's interested in the village's taxes when what he really wants is the land itself?"
Paulie, as always, follows my thinking. "Because the King doesn't know. The King gave him the right to collect taxation, not to kick the townsfolk out of their homes and reopen the mines. What do you want to bet he isn't giving the King his fair percentage?"
"I'm not taking that bet." I reply with a grin.
"Nor I, but this is all merely speculation. We don't have proof of such things." Jacob cuts in. "What are we going to tell everyone else?"
I think about it. Jacob is right. We have no proof of wrongdoing, just buckets of speculation. "Regaredless of his reasons, there's only one clear path: We must not sell him our homes."
"With these taxation rates, many won't have a choice but to move," Paulie looks to be thinking it over. "But if those who are better off help out the others..."
"Then the bastard will get his money and won't have a choice but to leave us alone." Jacob says triumphantly. Then his expression turns sober. "That only leaves the rumors of his harassment campaign. He might not go away quietly."
"We'll handle when it comes up." I say, and if my smile is a little sharp, you can always blame the Wolf.
. . . . . . . .
"I hate that man! I hate him and his stupid cane! Jules didn't deserve that!"
I look over to Allen, but I can't bring myself to chastise him. I also hate the Lord Ransom. A week out from the Full and each night I get steadily colder and the Wolf inside begins to bay for blood. This would be manageable - I've been doing it for years - if it wasn't for that damned man.
The offers started last week when no one packed up immediately to avoid his high taxes. The gossip chain (the Marcie-Lacey-Eva-Mary-Cara-Paulie version anyway) spoke of the high amounts of money being offered. A couple of families had taken the deal, and no one could begrudge them that, but most of the town held firm.
This is our home, and we aren't going to be bought out.
This week, the harassment campaign began. Big men, saying they spoke on behalf of the 'Good Lord Ransom', went to random homes and offered larger sums of money. If those families refused the offer, then they were threatened. A few of them had rocks thrown in their windows.
Eva's home had gotten a visit, and she blistered the goons ears for the attempt. Who did they think they were threatening her? What would their mothers say?
They didn't take kindly to the scolding. In retaliation, that night, they threw a burning bottle of liquid through her son's window while he slept. He will survive, but the flames weren't kind.
The house, however, is lost.
"I know. I'm worried about Jules, too." I say. We're sitting on my porch while Mary and Charlie get Eva settled at her sister's place. Eva is furious and out for blood. The two of them are the only ones capable of restraining her - everyone else wants to help her or hide the body.
I can't say I blame them, either.
Maybe I'll let Eva get her pound of flesh and put what's left of him in the pig pen. Saves time on hiding the body, not that I think anyone would look that hard for it based on his reputation.
"I hate that man! Mom says he's greedy and is gonna get what's coming to him. Do you think so?" Allen looks up at me from his angry brooding. He's clutching his fists in his lap tight enough to see the whites of his knuckles.
I look down at him. "Men like that always get their due."
. . . . . . . . .
"Nice farm you have here."
I look up from my work. Harvesting the last of the wheat and preparing the grounds for the frosts to come must have been consuming my attention. Normally, 3 days out, I'm hyper aware of my surroundings. I should've heard him approach a hundred feet or so ago.
The Lord Ransom is not a handsome man despite the quality attire he wears. Prematurely balding with beady brown eyes hiding behind thick spectacles, I imagine there are few hearts that flutter at the mention of him if either his title or money aren't mentioned in the same sentence. He carries himself like he knows he deserves better than being in a place where his new leather shoes might get mud on them, but he is willing to suffer the indignities to suffer us.
Or maybe I'm too close to the Full and his very presence is irritating me, but I know how to play nice when the situation calls for it.
"Good afternoon, my Lord. It's not much, but it's home."
His resulting laugh is high and boisterous - and very false. "And what a fine home it is! I was actually hoping to talk to you about it."
Ah. I'd been wondering what was taking him so long. Everyone else in town had gotten offers and threats over the past couple of weeks. I had wondered if my 'Moon Problem' had been shared with him and he was avoiding me. Ideal, considering I can't stand the fool, but it would be so very annoying if he hired someone to 'take care' of me.
There's no reason to play dumb. "I hear you're buying up land."
"I am, but if I was only interested in that, I would've sent one of my associates to talk with you." Somehow, his smile is more false than his laugh.
"I've heard you've spoken to everyone in town yourself before outsourcing the... negotiations to your associates. Is there a reason you would not offer me the same courtesy?"
"Not at all!" He proclaims loudly. He certainly likes the sound of his own voice. "I'm just a busy man and grow weary of the slog of negotiating."
If this man is weary of anything, it's probably being denied what he wants. I know the type well enough.
"You are asking a lot of these people. Some of these homes have been in their family for generations. That kind of thing is priceless." I reply lightly, leaning on skills I haven't needed in years and slipping into that old, highborn accent.
He was not the only one taught by a Governess, after all.
He may be unattractive, but he's not a fool. He catches on quickly. "You are not from around these parts, are you?"
"No. I was raised somewhere more like those places you prefer to be - with their high vaulted ceilings, crystal goblets, and gentle manners. I wanted something different, and I found it here."
It's almost too easy to slip into that role of misplaced noble. Just a person of gentle birth who wanted to step away for a while - rough it with the common folk - but with the right offer, they would be willing to be swept back into that glittering world.
Not that I want to go back, of course, but this man only respects those of his own rank and, by rights, I'm that and more. A common person won't get through to him, but someone from his world? He might give them their due consideration.
The Lord Ransom assesses me. I know he's unmarried, and I know that there are circles closed to him because of that. I can see the calculations going on in his head and the plans that he discards based on this development.
"You own this farm outright? No debt to the town?"
"The property is mine, yes."
He laughs, incredulous. This laugh is genuine, at least. "I suppose that you work the land yourself then? No hired hands to help?"
I look at him blandly, as I had been raised to do. "I believe that would defeat the purpose."
"And what purpose would that be?" He leans in, expression curious. I imagine he couldn't ever imagine himself willingly working in the dirt for all the gold in the King's vault.
"To make something of my own. To watch it grow from seed, to plant, to grain, and into bread from my own effort. To toil and reap the rewards from what I've sewn."
"Yes," He muses, "I can see that."
A moment of silence. I can see him come to a conclusion.
"You'll do." He says almost too softly to hear, but I'm no longer distracted by grain and soil.
"I'm sorry, my Lord?"
"I originally came here to offer to buy your land. However, in the place of what I thought was a young widow, I find a Lady of gentle birth toiling in the dirt. A soul who understands the value of hard work, dedication, and sacrifice! I have been long put off by the vapid nature of the common High-born and therefore put off marriage. I had even accepted that I might never be married - that it wasn't my role in this life."
He steps forward, a fevered gleam in his eyes. I can almost see his grand scheme play out in them.
"Then, I meet you. Now, I see that I was looking for a proper union in all the wrong places! I needed a bride who was forged from hardship and unafraid of doing what needed to be done."
He bows deeply before me.
"Allow me to court you, my Lady."
I stare at him and blink. That's... interesting. I hope my expression is still coming across as bland curiosity and not sickened shock. "This is very sudden, my Lord. You don't know me or anything about - "
"That's because I don't need to! I already know you're the one I've been waiting for!" He moves forward and grabs my hands. I keep from pulling back in revulsion. "I don't care about your past or where you're from. I want you! I'd marry you right here... right now! However, you are rightfully cautious. I'm willing to wait."
"I... don't know what to say."
"How about I give you time to think about it. I know I have had my own worldview changed. Just say you're willing to consider it?"
I look at him, and then I see it. The way forward.
The solution.
I breathe in and resign myself to the inevitable. "Dinner."
"What?"
"In 3 days. Dinner. I have another property north of here. Quiet and secluded. If you're seen here again, there will be unwelcome rumors, things neither of us can afford. However, few know that I own that property. If you were to stop by in the evening..."
"No one would suspect. Beautiful and brilliant, my Lady." He puts him lips to the back of my hand and looks up, a knowing look in his eyes.
If only he knew.
. . . . . . . . .
"I thought you gave up all these jewels and dresses and things."
"I thought I did, too." I look in the mirror back at Cara's worried expression. She's pulling my hair back in the classic braided style down my back. Nothing as fancy as I would've worn to Court, but nicer than I've worn in ages. Thankfully, the gown fits well, its color bringing out the full intensity of my eyes.
Or maybe it's just that moonrise is mere hours away.
"I know you're cold, but I found this velvet shawl in my things. It'll keep you warmer." Cara says as she wraps the shawl around my shoulders with a small smile. The black velvet adds a certain dignity to the outfit.
I try to smile back, but it stalls out halfway. "I..."
She nods in sympathy and understanding. "No one wants this for you. We can come up with another way. We can - "
"No," I cut in, speaking around the lump in my throat. "I... I'll be okay. It's just..."
Cara doesn't say anything. She just leans in and gives me a hug as I cry and shiver into the warmth.
I said I would take care of the problem and I will.
The Wolf protects the Pack.
But like this?
I didn't want this. I was running from this, but here I am, despite everything.
After too short of a moment, I lean forward and dry my eyes. "You have to go. He'll be here soon."
Cara looks around the cabin. It's been made up nicer than I prefer, with fine silver utensils and linen on the table. The bed, which I'm spending most of my time trying not to look at, has been fitted with the nice silk sheets I had packed up when I left home. It had been something to remind me of where I came from, and then I had hid it away because it reminded me of what I'd left behind.
"It looks like a proper Lady's home now. I'm sure he'll appreciate the effort." Cara looks at me and grins. The smile dims when she looks closer at my expression. "You don't have to do this."
"You should go, Cara." I say, my smile - as strained as it is - hopefully taking the sting out of the words. "Tell Paulie I said not to forget his promise."
Her smile is small, and her eyes are sad. "I will, but he won't. He has never once forgotten his promises to you."
. . . . . . . . .
"Simply ravishing, my dear."
"Do come in, my Lord Ransom. Welcome to my home." I curtsey before him exactly the way I was taught. Some things really are ingrained.
He takes my hand in his. I can hear his pulse beginning to quicken as he takes in the low neckline of my gown. "Van, please. I thought you were beautiful out in the field, but in here, you are radiant. These common folk don't know what beauty has been gracing them."
"Thank you, my L - Van. You are too kind." I murmur, looking down demurely. I focus on breathing through my mouth. Breathe in, hold for 4, and breathe out.
"I must say, my Lady, despite how quaint this cabin is, you do manage to bring some class to it." He says as he looks around the room. "Do you stay here often?"
I look up to see he's practically staring at the bed. I don't need to meet his gaze to know that he's thinking about my low-cut gown and how he wants this night to end.
"Not often. I was gifted this cabin by an Aunt. I try to keep my birth a secret from the town."
"Yes." He looks at me and winks. "You like to rough it with the riff-raff."
I focus on my breathing. "They are good folk."
"I'm sure they are, but you have to admit they're rather dull."
"They have their charm." I say with a little smile. I can see the mocking laughter in his eyes. "Would you like to eat? Maybe tell me more about why you're buying up the town?"
Asking a Lord to talk about himself and his plans will usually save one from any discomfort when it comes to smalltalk. The Lord Ransom is no different.
"What do you know of mining, my dear?" He asks as he sits down at the table, putting a napkin in his lap.
I make my way to the wine bottle first before sitting. A Lady always offers to pour their guests' drink first. "Wine, my Lord? And not much, I'm afraid. I know that metal comes from the ground, and it is backbreaking work, but that's all."
"Yes, please. And please, do call me Van. It sounds lovely when you say it." He pauses while I pour, focused intently on me. His eyes meet mine, and I can see the desire in them. I finish pouring both our glasses and hold his gaze while I sit across from him, pulling my shawl tighter around me. I try to keep my breathing even.
"Well, you know the basics, then. However, what you may not be aware of is that certain metals tend to be grouped up underground with other minerals. It turns out a particular mineral that has high value in warfare forms near silver. Now, most silver mines around here were stripped of their fine metals years ago, but with the discovery of this material, these mines can be reopened and lost jobs restored!"
I take a sip of the fine wine. It's not what I want. I focus on my words. "That's fascinating, but I'm confused as to why you can't just open the mine without buying out the villages? They formed around the mines, right?"
"You know your history, my dear! Yes, the villages and towns sprung up around the mines as the miners and their families needed places to stay nearby, but silver doesn't need any special processing when it's mined, so the miner's homes could be closer. However, this mineral does need special treatment. I need the land around the mine as well for such things."
"Ah, I see. Do you plan on founding a new town then? Outside the blocked off area, I mean?"
"I do. I don't know how far the mines go, so I don't know where the bounds will be, but eventually, there will be. After all, the workers need a place to sleep!"
"Surely forcing others to leave their homes is rather crass, isn't it?" I focus on my plate, taking extra time to cut my chicken into smaller pieces. Ones small enough for a Lady.
"Yes, some might think that, but much is sacrificed for progress! What's one home, or even a dozen, in the face of that?"
"And money, of course."
"Of course, my Lady." He says with a wink. "No one said you couldn't make money from progress - you just can't stop it!"
The conversation dies for a moment. The only sounds that fill the cabin are the clank and scrape of silver on porcelain - the only sounds I allow myself to notice, anyway. I focus on the chicken - dry. Then the vegetables - I force them down. I take gulps of wine that are borderline unladylike - the taste is wrong and the alcohol does little to warm me.
"I was thinking we should discuss our future." The Lord breaks the silence, placing his utensils down. It appears he had no trouble eating.
"Our Courtship, you mean?"
He nods. "And beyond."
I let out a pained laugh that I hope he reads as simply incredulous. "Beyond? Awfully presumptuous of you, my Lord."
"Van, my dear, and is it?" He looks at me, raising an eyebrow and speaking slowly as if to a child. "You invited me into your home without a chaperone for dinner, skipping several steps of the process. A home you specifically invited me to because no one was around to question your honor. You have been playing coy, and I do enjoy that in a woman, but let's not lie to ourselves."
His gaze burns as he looks at me.
"You know how this night ends."
I look out the window to see the sky darkening, the first stars starting to peek through the twilight. There is a heavy thunk from the door that startles the Lord into looking away as his head swivels towards the source of the noise.
I shudder from the sudden chill I feel all the way down into my bones.
It's time. I take a deep breath in.
The Lord turns back towards me, his eyes widening in horror as I feel the Moon's pull. He smells of our dinner, sweat, and no small amount of fear.
Good.
I feel my bones break and shift, my body elongating, and nails turning into claws. The gown tears from my body as I stand, the shawl dropping from my shoulders. The pain is intense, but my eyes never leave his as he backs away and then tries to get through the door before sliding down it.
It's locked and blocked until morning - a promise Paulie always keeps.
I didn't want this. I ran from this. Here I am.
"Yes, Van," the words pull from me in a growl as I get on all fours and stalk towards him. "I imagine we both know how this night ends."
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jodilin65 · 5 years ago
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SUNDAY, JUNE 30, 2019 HR has been going wonky again. It’s more that it’s been beating hard than fast. I don’t smoke, I’m active, I’m relatively healthy, so hopefully it’s no big deal. But yeah, when it’s quiet and I sit still, I can hear it resonating throughout me. I don’t feel anxious, though sometimes it doing this can make me anxious. It just doesn’t seem normal even though I’ve already mentioned it to my doctors and my tests were good. Still, the constant thump-thump-thump is both annoying and unnerving.
Poor Aly, though. While I’ve been having a fun weekend, she was in the hospital on a slow-drip IV dispensing Ibuprofen. They can’t get her fever under 99 until the fibroids are removed. She’s likely to be hospitalized tomorrow which sucks not just for obvious reasons, but she had just gotten out of medical debt.
Love my pink silicone popcorn popper so much that I decided to get a purple one and slowly build up a little colorful collection. Magenta’s next!
Also got new toothbrush heads for our electric toothbrushes that were surprisingly cheap but seem to get the job done well.
Lastly, we got colorful silicone pot scrubbers, filters for the air cleaner, and 15 different fake toenail designs for Suki/Gia.
Those poor Twenties. They must’ve been woken up when the punk came in early yesterday. Because there’s no better place to spend 6:38 in the morning when you’re in your 20s than with mommy and daddy, right? rolls eyes The way the little shit sometimes comes in this early makes me think even more that he’s sleeping in his car.
After eating the same things for a while, it was nice to get some variety yesterday. First we went to Sam’s Club to get our usual stuff (mostly my fruits and veggies) and I got these chips to try that I’ve never had before. They’re made with sweet potatoes and have chickpeas, peas, rice and black beans and they’re really good. Tom’s had chickpea chips before. He tried one of his Indian coworker’s but found them boring. I guess chickpea chips are popular in India, though.
Then we went to Safeway because I wanted lobster macaroni but they didn’t have it so I settled for lobster cakes. They’re just so-so.
Then we went out a third time to Rite Aid right outside the park where I got my mini bottles of Merlot and Rosé for $3 and a $1 wall sticker that looks cute on the bedroom wall. It’s a transparent tracing of flowers with scattered silvery gems.
So in between my pounding heart which was in the upper 90s when I was relaxed and just over 100 when I was moving around (it’s surprisingly low now at 76), it was a fun day. Sometimes it’s those little things in life that help to break up the monotony of the same old routine I go through during the week.
Because I’m so blind we connected my laptop to the 43” TV, and wow! We don’t need a traditional living room setup anyway because we watch TV on our computers while eating or unwinding. He’s using the 32” one. In the next place, we’ll make it look better by mounting them to the wall. Text is definitely easier to see and TV and pictures are almost too big but it’s wonderful! Love how I can see so much more at once. Before, I could only see my top row of Pinterest boards and only 5 of them. Now I can see 7 per row and I can see 2 rows at once.
Tom has been working on his next app and as I told him, I don’t mean to sound discouraging or negative but I just don’t see us making extra money that way. I think there’s too much competition and it’s like winning the lottery. But he said no, it’s not because he’s not trying to make a million bucks but just a few hundred or so a month to make retirement comfortable. I still don’t see even that but hey, if it’s what he loves to do anyway why not at least try his best and have fun while he’s at it?
SATURDAY, JUNE 29, 2019 Wow, Ralph’s house is already up for sale. The loud car he hasn’t driven since he first had his stroke is still there, though. It’s been covered with a tarp. Really thought I’d have to listen to three or four months of projects before it went on the market but more than likely it will go to a flipper who will take the honors of annoying me with projects for months before it goes to someone I hope to hell doesn’t have a loud vehicle.
Molly, or at least what I’m pretty sure is Molly, looked in on me on Prosebox. When I suspected she came in, I ran and compared her Twitter times to that and sure enough, she was around during the time I got the hit. I know from Aly that she has an iPhone.
Even though she hasn’t done anything to me for quite a while and she may have changed at least a little, I still don’t like her peeking in on me. I don’t know why it bothers me. It just does. She was only in for 19 seconds, probably looking for her name or Aly’s. She has me bookmarked, too. I don’t know what else her interest in me could be about. She already made her so-called amends, apologized for harassing me in the past, and then we moved on. So then why is she looking in on me? There’s nothing she should be interested in since we’re not friends and were never friends in the past.
I was surprised to see that she and Kim are following each other.
There’s a part of me that thinks it’s silly to continue holding any grudges after all this time and to just let the past go and say, Aw, so what if she reads me? At least be polite if not friendly if she contacts me.
But a bigger part of me is still angry with all the shit she and her mother put me through and just doesn’t want to forgive her even if Kim actually did worse to me in some ways. Molly at least didn’t impersonate people like crazy and create one bogus account after another to harass me. Yet there’s just something about Molly I can’t forgive. I really would prefer not to have anything to do with her and that includes her not looking in on me.
I found a free script that blocks IP addresses only it’s a Java thing and Prosebox doesn’t support that. As a test, I dropped my dream blog link on Twitter after inserting the script. Then again, I know she’s reading my tweets. I’m amazed she hasn’t followed Aly and me over on Curious Cat.
Either way and as I told Aly, I’m probably going to drop my public Twitter accounts because I simply don’t need them. So that will be two more places she can’t follow. I’ve made sure my Facebook account is private and made my main PB account FO. That much I’m okay with doing since I’m just not as into socializing as I used to be. Instead, I’ll share more from my newest bogus PB account, Hula Dancer, where I don’t allow contact and therefore socializing. This one I created with a time-sensitive email that Aly can’t look up. The email is not connected to my name at all. Thankfully, Prosebox doesn’t require confirmation.
If Aly were to stumble upon the account totally by accident, she should know it’s me even if I change names. I really think that’s how she found the other one. I stopped using it for over half a year, no one hit it, and then she did? That couldn’t have been a coincidence. She likely knew about Digital Expressions before it shut down too, and I’m sure she knows about Dreamwidth, so it’s a good thing I’ve become more private because I know I say a lot of things that would offend her. She’s ultra-sensitive so instead of having to watch every single thing I say, I just keep most things private. Besides, I’m supposed to be journaling for me. Not an audience. But I’m more willing to share if it can be anonymous and kept from those I know. I blocked all of Aly’s known accounts, but luckily she never really cared for PB as opposed to MD, so it’s unlikely she would stumble upon my other account there. I’ll be sure to use different titles and not post from multiple accounts at once. Might use that paraphrasing tool as well but that might be going a bit too far unless she does start using PB and finds it by accident or googles some of the text in the copies I send her, if that’s something that can still be done. I’ve actually set this account to public, so she doesn’t need to be logged in.
Been combing through the list of users but you’re talking nearly 500 pages of usernames to go through, so I’m searching keywords I’ve known Molly to use. I think I finally found her account. Should have figured she would use something like "girl power."
FRIDAY, JUNE 28, 2019 Happy 62nd birthday to my dear hubby! Unfortunately, the birthday boy has to work. Will be surprising him with the roses I sculpted when he gets up.
Didn’t sleep so great last time around. Nothing woke me up that I know of. I just kept waking up. So I’m a little tired today and don’t know if I’m going to go out for my walk. I’ll get enough physical activity around the house today doing laundry and things like that.
Really hope one of the dreams I had isn’t a sign! I had a period starting. I’m almost at the 9-month marker and would absolutely hate to reset the clock yet again! I don’t have any PMS symptoms, though. No water retention, no bloating, no sore boobs, no extreme hunger.
I also had a dream my mother was alive and we moved to Arizona with plans to stay there for a while and then move to Florida.
Then I was back in our Maricopa house only there were people sleeping in the smaller bedrooms for some reason. As I passed the bedroom furthest from the master bedroom one night on my way to bed, some guy was lying on a twin bed in that room. He got up and started mumbling crazy shit.
In the next dream, I guess I was some kind of party girl because I was hanging around with a group of people and we were drinking heavily. I was in a room with either a really long bed or a bunch of beds side by side. I was lying in one of the beds chatting with the others. I looked toward the window where I thought I saw these blinking lights and said, “Why are the cops here?”
Then I realized there was something wrong with my eyes and the flashing colors were actually coming from me.
Then I got up, not caring that I was stark naked, and began looking for my beer bottle (I hate beer in real life) among a cluster of other opened beer bottles sitting on a table. The dream ended with me trying to figure out which bottle was mine.
In the last dream, I held a DVD of some movie that Stacey had lent me. I knew I was supposed to leave it outside my door after I watched it and then tell her on Facebook to come and pick it up. I went browsing through a DVD collection I don’t have in real life in search of a movie I thought she might like and thought of what note I would enclose with it and whether or not I wanted to actually see her when she came to pick it up. Alexa how much time. THURSDAY, JUNE 27, 2019 54° this morning and just 78° tomorrow. WTF is wrong with this place? We should be doing triple digits! Tom thinks the reason we’ve been overrun with skunks at night is due to the mild summer we’ve been having.
Just got in a few minutes ago from my half-hour walk. I walked between 5:30 and 6:00 so there would be enough light to see well, the skunks would be in bed, and there wouldn’t yet be much traffic. Went with a hoodie over a T-shirt and started off chilly. By the time I reached the RVs, I was warm.
Exchanged hellos with Jim once I got back to the house and he was coming around the circle. He looks pretty damn fit and healthy for a guy that’s getting close to 90.
Tom and I were talking about how things change as we age. He was saying that while things are always changing at least somewhat, he too, felt like things were changing so fast in his early 50s, but then they stabled out in his late 50s. At 50 he felt just as strong as when he was 20 but now he isn’t as strong.
His wife has always been fitter and now she can tease him about being both fitter and stronger. I am definitely naturally muscular and I definitely build additional muscle easily. Been this way since my early twenties.
Right now I’m worried that I’m going to suffer skin issues almost every day for the rest of my life. He feels confident that I won’t, so let’s hope he isn’t being naively optimistic. I’d rather skin issues than anxiety, but can I just have a break from everything for a while?
I was better down there but then I started getting burning and itching again, so maybe there is a connection with potatoes. Tom said he thinks if I have them once a week I’d be okay. It’s having them every other day that’s too much. That much I can agree with.
He looked down there and said it just looked red but didn’t see any bumps.
I guess the first of the democratic debates was last night. Didn’t watch it because I’m just not into watching that sort of thing but the only thing I don’t like about Democrats is that they’re so pro-illegals. They put everyone else first and foremost before their own. I hate to say it but I think that since it doesn’t affect me directly, I’d rather women lose their rights by closet case Republicans and for gays to lose rights than for us to be allowed to be overrun with illegals that could harm us in many ways. But that doesn’t make me a Republican any more than I was ever a Dem. I’m independent. I say equal rights for everyone that’s FROM here and no catering to illegals. If you’re caught here illegally you should be deported. Yet while it seems that most people have a serious problem with two people in love marrying each other if they’ve got the same parts between their legs, they also expect everyone to welcome illegals with open arms and a big bright smile on their faces as well. Oh, yes, we’re expected to happily feed, house, and provide medical care to thousands and thousands of illegals and refugees at our tax dollars’ expense, no questions asked.
The planes were quiet last night. They seem to be a back-and-forth thing.
Cock must have slipped out quietly and the buds stayed in place enough to protect me from it because this week its habit is to come in around 9:30 in the morning and stay for about 12 hours. Sometimes I wonder if his coming around so much lately is a spite thing. Like their way of saying to the neighborhood, “See, he’s still coming around and there’s nothing you can do to get rid of him. You can stop him from sleeping here but you can’t stop him from visiting.”
Some people really don’t have respect or consideration for others and they seem to get worse with time. If Larry lived in the same town as when my parents were in a park, and if he had a vehicle this insanely loud, they would never want him visiting with that shit. Ever.
I’ve lost a few pounds because I’ve been eating lower-calorie foods but my body has its threshold and won’t let off any more weight. That’s okay. I feel wonderful as opposed to the crap I used to eat, and even better when I don’t have sugary treats. I was such a TV dinner whore for so long that if someone had told me I would teach myself to cook, even if it’s just simple things anybody could make, I’m sure I would have laughed. I just had no interest in it. I’ll still indulge a little on weekends.
The one thing I’m definitely still doing wrong is overdoing the cholesterol. I really shouldn’t be eating meat since I’m not on statins. It’s just that without meat, I really lose a lot of variety that way.
For a fleeting moment, I considered going back to my full dose of medication 6 weeks before labs, figuring Dr. A would only want to resend me to the lab in just a couple of months. But then I remind myself of two things. One is that the dosage experiment I’m doing won’t tell me anything unless I do it at least 6 months, and two, Dr. A’s not my mother. All I have to do is say no to anything she requests. I’ll still give her a heads-up on the portal before labs in September so she doesn’t have her nurse calling me about why my TSH is a bit high.
Most importantly, I’ve been feeling so much better overall! So why change that? Why rock the boat and do anything that could risk changing that? Especially since I’m not endangering my life.
I watched a video tutorial on sculpting roses and decided to pull out my sculpting clay and tools and finally put them to use. Sculpting roses is fairly easy. I baked the two rosebuds I sculpted earlier and I’m going to paint them in a little while. Healthy six years of acting, sit down and turn on the clock. WEDNESDAY, JUNE 26, 2019 Outdoors:
We took the bikes out late last night and sure enough, as soon as we reached the top of the hill a couple of hundred feet or so from the house, there’s a skunk in the middle of the road. It stopped and looked at us and I wasn’t sure if it was going to approach us, turn and run away, or dart in front of the bikes so I turned around and we made a few rounds around the circle. When I saw another one about to jump out in the middle of the street down past Bob and Virginia, we went home.
Never before have they been like this. They’re everywhere! This is my sixth summer here yet I never was deterred from going out late at night due to being overrun by skunks. Again, it’s like something doesn’t want me out there. First it used my health to keep me home and now it’s skunks. Go figure. That’s okay, though. I still have the treadmill.
Sleep:
Today I slept okay but yesterday the bud slipped and something loud woke me up. But that’s okay as I only have 5 more years of this shit, right?
I just wish I could remember my dreams better! Lately, it’s like I have a faint idea of something that I dreamt but then it’s gone before I can fully grasp it enough to put it into words.
Programming:
Tom now has the flippers to his pinball game able to flap.
Pets:
And the new bedding verdict is in! This paper/wood shaving mix is definitely the way to go for the pigs. Yes, they are able to make more of a mess when they run around since the stuff is lighter and fluffy but the Roomba can handle vacuuming it up easier than the big chunks of paper. Just did a partial replacement and the biggest thing I like is how it handles piss. With the paper bedding, you get clumps stuck to the base and you have to really gouge it up with the dustpan. Not with this stuff! I should be able to stretch 2 bales to last a month, so $20 a month for them. So gonna get a subscription going! :-)
I’m now testing the lower level of the rats’ cage with this stuff to see how much they kick out. It may not be suitable for them but time will tell.
Also, using this bedding on the pigs would eliminate the need for the hand vac and playpen since I can work around them with this bedding. The liners would be good for if we run out before the next bale arrives. I don’t think they give a shit whether they sit around at home or in the pen since they’re not explorers, as long as the rats can’t chase them. Gonna reshape the pen at some point into a fun climbing jungle gym for the rats. I’ll make a point of handling the pigs every other day or so, so they stay used to me and aren’t home 24/7, day after day.
Thoughts:
Thought about it some more and the biggest potential problem with rural would be barking. I know damn well, especially in the west, they’re all going to have large dogs that aren’t allowed indoors. Yes, I would take Jesse’s mutts over the traffic here because they couldn’t wake me up. But that in itself was still incredibly annoying and to need to have sound machines on all the time just to drown it out. As we saw in Arizona, even being in the middle of a 10-acre ranch you could still hear some dogs. So since I don’t expect we’d ever get a piece of land that big if we chose rural since we don’t want to venture too far from civilization, barking would probably be our worst problem there assuming we didn’t get sonic boomed which is worse and comparable to the traffic here. I would think, though, that in an area that has many 1-3 acre lots, the barking would be maddening. While the most important thing is keeping ferociously loud sounds away from the bedroom, I would still like to have as much of my cake and eat it too as possible by not having to listen to shit like that all day long. I hear landscaping every day and while that’s annoying it doesn’t go on hour after hour. So both volume and frequency matter.
Sweeps:
Is entering the expiring sweeps for the month worth the spam and congratulations on other people’s wins? Yeah, I guess so. I’ll get to the 250 or so expiring ones in a few days.
Writing:
Still looking forward to Camp NaNo but still finishing up my last project. That will be done at the end of the month for sure.
TUESDAY, JUNE 25, 2019 “No problem, I understand,” would have been nice to hear from Aly when she wanted to chat when I wanted to charge the phone and do other things. Instead, I’m being made to feel guilty for not always being readily available. I do my best, so it would be nice if she was a little less clingy and without certain expectations whenever she has free time.
Got up in the early evening and read the letter on the counter from the park.
I knew it. I just knew it.
Sometimes I sit and think of all the things he knows that I could never figure out and how much smarter he is and how I wish I could be as smart, but you know what? Sometimes I am. Sometimes I’m even smarter. Yeah, I TOLD him they’d repave.
He had said, “Naw, they’re not going to do that because the roads are smooth.”
“Yes, they are,” I insisted. “They’re not going to leave these roads looking like a patchwork quilt (the squares they dug in and then filled back in when upgrading the fiber optics) or with all the colorful paint markings they left all over the place. This park’s too obsessed with looks not to resurface these roads.”
Well, they’re going to seal-coat the entire park. They enclosed a map with a different color marker tracing different streets depending on the date they’re to be done. They’ll be working on and off from the 15th till the 24th of next month. Our area is on for the 18th and luckily I’ll be on days at that time and our area won’t be split between two days like those who are on the edge of their designated sections.
Unfucking believable, though. Been here six years and they’ve worked in the roads five or six times already. Lived in the Phoenix house for just as long and they only tore the roads up once.
Then there was their little “reminders” note. No feeding the wildlife, keep your pets on a leash, etc.
Yeah? How about no tearing in and out on motorcycles in the middle of the night? How about management not playing favorites? How about doing something about some of the complaints you get instead of spiting people for it? Really, I’m sick of this underage punk that lives here but doesn’t sleep here. I’m serious, too. Just because he doesn’t sleep here doesn’t mean he isn’t living here. He is. No idea where he’s crashing at night but I wouldn’t be surprised if he was sleeping in his car. I think his sleeping here was where Joy had to draw the line. He comes in in the morning and leaves at night. Really think this kid just doesn’t want to work and his parents are paying for his food, smokes, and that fucking car which is like oxygen to the little bastard so that he doesn’t have to get a job, a place of his own, or take on any kind of responsibility. He sure hasn’t seemed to have any of those since his stint in the Army and divorce in 2015, from what I could learn snooping around on FB.
As far as the paving goes, since I’m going to be up that day, I say let them go for it. Sure, it will be annoying as hell but since it’s only for one day, let them spend money at our expense to make the roads prettier, and most importantly, smoother for bike riding. Really looking forward to that electric wheel someday!
Loving this translation job! It sucks that I don’t get paid even though I get extra bells and whistles, but it’s a great practice exercise. What I do is I set Google Translate from Spanish to English. Then in Spanish, I write what I think is the correct way to say whatever the prompt asks and watch it appear in English. This way I can verify that I’m correct. I’ve got a pretty good accuracy rate so far but my grammar isn’t always great.
MONDAY, JUNE 24, 2019 Had a sore throat all day yesterday but fortunately, it’s gone now.
So the block on my phone is completely worthless since South Carolina made it in today. That explains how Tammy got in after I had blocked her when her brats came between us. Oh well. Maybe they’ll give up once they realize they’re not going to get an answer from this number.
I don’t smell anything since trying the new bedding on the pigs yesterday but they’re making a bit of a mess, even with a 7-inch base. They’re kicking some of it out when they run around. It occurred to me that I should have put one of the disposable liners underneath. That way, instead of their corner bathrooms sticking to the base of the cage, it would stick to that.
Fuzzy is so adorable with the way he runs to me and stands up to be picked up when he’s done burrowing under the sheets which he likes to do same as most rats. Just as cute is when he gets on his “flying perch.” I stick my arm out straight with my elbow bent and he hops onto my elbow as we “fly” down the hall to get a piece of cheese on the way to his house.
SUNDAY, JUNE 23, 2019 No more night walking for me. If I go out at night it’ll be on the bike. There are simply way too many skunks. It seems there are more than usual. Most of the time I don’t see any but lately, I haven’t been able to go out without seeing two or three and that’s just in the small section I cover. Tried to get pics of one without going too close but it didn’t come out.
Saw something else small scurry across one of the streets that could’ve been a rat.
Other than having to dodge skunks with poor vision, it was nice out. A little warm but still nice. The air was alive with the smell of laundry, Jasmine and barbecues. Not so much in the way of barbecues, though, since 10:30 is getting a bit late for that.
Another Robocall came in. Still not sure how it is they’re slipping through the block but this one was in Florida. Didn’t realize I could just ask Alexa where a certain area code was. No need to look it up myself. At least the calls have dropped from 3 a day to 1 a day.
Trying a new type of bedding for the guinea pigs so I don’t have to deal with changing their liners every other day. This one is a mix of wood shavings and paper. Usually, we get just paper bedding which is supposed to absorb odors better and be better for their health since the wood shavings can be dusty. But it was only $10 for the same size bale as a $16 bale of paper bedding. If this works out It will be less work for less money. Yes, I could do everybody with the paper bedding but that would cost a lot of money. I don’t want to do something just because we can afford it. I’ll probably stick to paper bedding for the rats or maybe do their lower level with the mixed bedding. We’ll see.
I also got them some apple-flavored treats and of course the pigs aren’t interested. The rats are, though, since they’ll eat anything.
After thinking about it, I decided that an electric wheel for the bike would be a worthy investment. Not just for the hills here, but I could use it in Florida as well. It’s usually pretty windy in Florida and riding against the wind, even on level ground, can be a challenge. So I think it would be a good thing to have no matter what.
I got a single sippy cup that I wanted to try before getting a set of them. They’re cheap. I’ve been looking for sippy cups like the one I’ve had for a while now with the built-in straw but realized I was searching with the wrong keyword. I was looking for sippy cups with attached straws when I really needed to search for sippy cups with built-in straws. They’re great to put by the bed so that if I wake up thirsty I can grab them without spilling water all over the place. So now I have two of them. :-) I was just hesitant to get a set even if it wasn’t much more money because the reviews were so mixed. Some people were saying they were wonderful while others were saying they were flimsy and horrible and that the cap wouldn’t stay on. Everything looks great to me so all I have to do is see if they hold up in the dishwasher which some people said was a bust.
I also grabbed another jar of Tucks for me and a matching rainbow jewelry set for the doll that has earrings, a necklace and a bracelet. Since I pulled off a couple of her toenails and the French manicure she had was incredibly boring anyway, I’m going to eventually get a set of 15 different toenail designs.
Went to Rite Aid a couple of hours after I got up and got my Merlot and Rosé minis as well as a peanut butter Twix bar to try. Definitely don’t like it as much as the original so I had some of the sour cream chips he got instead. He can try the rest of the PB Twix.
The fish has started using the tube Tom printed out for him.
Made tilapia with a baked potato, broccoli and cauliflower for dinner. I used a 0-calorie butter spray so the whole thing was only about 200 calories.
I later made the best batch of homemade mashed potatoes ever! Perfect mix of margarine, milk and garlic salt. I used the highest speed when whipping them.
Had a dream I was discussing celebrities with someone. When they were trying to figure out the name of a certain celebrity, I told them who it was, saying I knew their name because I had a friend who was into the show they were on.
Then someone said that somebody was going to be performing in their hometown and how excited they were, and wouldn’t I just love it if they would come to my city too?
No, I said, because I preferred YouTube in the privacy of my own home.
SATURDAY, JUNE 22, 2019 Made myself a bunless mushroom burger with watermelon for dessert. Chatting on Facebook with Anne now and doing a handful of other things. Laundry, dishes, writing, etc.
Definitely gotta stick to the inside of the park when I’m walking at night. The skunks usually stick to the perimeters of the park. The perimeters are good in the daytime because you don’t have to deal with traffic as much that way.
I was surprised by how much I could hear the freeway when I was out earlier. And of course, the fucking planes. They didn’t turn out to be that annoying last night but in the morning as well as tonight they were. I was totally dismayed to learn the airport added a new route. Great, more planes flying over my fucking head.
Sadly, not a single person on Facebook cared to download Tom’s test app but Aly did. He’s thinking his next game will be some kind of pinball game.
Just when I thought blocking robocalls was a success, since I didn’t get any yesterday, it turns out it was a bust. It might have cut most of them down but I got a call from the 304 area code, which is West Virginia, and after double-checking, I found that I did indeed have that area code blocked. So I don’t know how they managed to weasel in.
Slept okay, but not great. Traffic didn’t wake me up because I used the bud, but just the stress of sleeping in the daytime disrupts my sleep. If we weren’t right on the fucking street, then maybe not. sighs 5 more years.
Tammy shared a meme saying, “Never fuck someone’s life up with a lie because they can fuck yours up with the truth.”
Then she added, “And the truth will soon come to light.”
I asked who she was talking about but I don’t expect an answer. I doubt it’s got anything to do with me because she would have told me if she was upset with me. Plus, I haven’t lied to or about her. Then again, neither did I when it came to Lisa back when the nutjob went ballistic on me a decade ago.
Sometimes a part of me wishes she would get pissed off enough to dump me, but she’s just not the dumping type. If she was, I would be free to let the girls have it which would certainly feel good, not that they would ever own up to anything. Without her, though, I wouldn’t have the connection to the bitches or have to hear about them from time to time.
I know this is an incredible waste of time and that the message is unlikely to even be seen much less replied to, but since Alyssa’s been on my mind, I couldn’t resist but reach out to her again. This time I was a little more truthful about my intentions, not that I was lying to her before. I told her that I just really liked her and was drawn to her personality and all that, and yes, she’s attractive even though my interest in her is not physical in any way, and that I hoped we could be cyber friends of sorts and say hello every now and then.
I also let her know that I understood that I was once a former patient, however briefly that lasted, and that we came from totally different walks of life and all that, etc. As I said, I don’t expect a reply but every now and then life does throw a surprise my way.
Instead, I get to hear from Anne. Jobless, emotionally unstable, not very intelligent Anne. Why is it that it’s so easy to get attention from these kinds of people? Is this normal? I mean do they reach out to just anyone? Or is there something about me that’s attracting the Annes while repelling the Alyssas?
THURSDAY, JUNE 20, 2019 Saw 3 skunks on the 15-minute walk I went on last night. This is why I’m a little hesitant to take the bike out at night. Even with good lights, I don’t want one of those or a possum darting out as I’m barreling down the hill.
After a temporary setback with privacy policies, Tom’s app is out! Going to be a little disappointed if no one on Facebook downloads it. It’s free, it’s simple, and it’s just his first test app to learn the ropes. I suppose not everyone has that much extra space on their phone but still. It won’t kill people to DL it and check it out. :-)
Still no news on my biopsy but she did say it usually takes a couple of weeks. I’m also still worried there isn’t going to be anything they can do for me in the end. I would seriously rather be told, “Hey, you’re going to die,” rather than, “You’re going to suffer or at least be very uncomfortable for the rest of your life.” I really would.
I’m a little tired today but that’s what I get for not sleeping with the earbud. Traffic woke me up not once but three times. Figured I’d take a chance because I didn’t have much to do today but I’m definitely going to sleep with the bud next time around so I don’t get too backed up in sleep. Oh, to one day be able to live where I don’t need to sleep with earbuds! But I really do believe we’re going to be here until he retires so I might as well get used to it for the next half a decade.
Decided not to do that 5-hour walking experiment. That’s just ridiculous and way too extreme. I’ll stick to the standard half-hour a day, 5 days a week. I’m big like most older people and that’s okay. :-)
Heard some planes late last night as well as a few in the late afternoon so I wouldn’t be surprised if they were annoying tonight. They only take so many days off, unfortunately.
“We won’t shift our noise from one community to another.”
Yeah, right. Well, that’s exactly what they do and I’ll definitely get on them about it from both my public Twitter accounts until they either get fed up enough to do something about it or block me. I’ve had it with this plane shit. There’s no need for them to be flying over us. They didn’t start doing this until last fall so there’s no reason they can’t go back to flying where they were flying before. It’s not like they have no alternative, so there really isn’t any reason or excuse for this.
The only dream I remember from last night was being served by some woman at a buffet somewhere. I think we were out of town. It was either really late or really early. I was trying to get a tiny bit of a certain food included with whatever I was getting, but the woman wouldn’t give it to me.
“What if we pay for it?” I asked her, and then she agreed to serve it.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 19, 2019 Okay, robofuckers, I just blocked every area code in the country except for CT, NE, FL, OH and CA. Well, I did block FL. Just not Tammy’s area code. Most of the calls do seem to be originating from the East. I checked some of the latest area codes and they came from Florida, Tennessee, North Carolina and Maryland. I think I saw Mississippi and Arkansas as well. I was getting an average of 3 a day, so we’ll see if this helps. With good friends in Nebraska and Connecticut and Tammy preparing to move to Ohio, I didn’t want to block those States. I’ll block Tammy’s area code once she’s out of there.
Tom had to pull his app TapQuickTap off because there was a problem with the privacy policy. I was just about to tell people to go look it up, too. He fixed the issues and resubmitted it so hopefully they won’t reject it. Could be a day or two before it’s back up, though.
I hope I’m wrong and that I’m pleasantly surprised in the end but I just don’t have a good feeling about this. I just get the feeling it’s not meant to be. Just because you may be good at something and deserving of it doesn’t mean it’s necessarily meant to be. I just don’t think anything up there wants us making extra money on the side. If it did, he would be paid the national average, especially for this state, and I might be able to hold a schedule and work. He thinks the apps will eventually generate a few hundred dollars a month and while I think he’s being naively optimistic, it certainly can’t hurt to try!
I have declared my CampNano project, Gone. 5 days until cabin assignment, 11 days until writing begins. I’m ready to start but at the same time, I still need to give my last book its final read-through.
I was chatting about the mama’s boy with Carolyn and she agrees it’s frustrating, they make comments every time they hear his car, Joy does show favoritism, it’s so wrong, and she keeps praying they move away.
Ooh, the power of prayer! Yeah, that’ll work. Just like that woman suffering from postpartum depression I saw on an episode of Deadly Women who was told by her priest to pray her depression away. Instead of getting medication, she goes home, finds prayer is a joke, and ends up killing her entire family. So damn the person who created the God fantasy and brainwashed nearly everyone into buying that crap!
Although…there are still certain things that make me wonder. Sometimes I really do wonder if something could be up there. I just don’t know that it’s anything I would want to call a friend. But when the same things happen one too many times, be it a good thing or a bad, I do wonder.
Anyway, I heard the bastard leave after it came and went yesterday, so once again I’m not sure that he’s actually living here. Well, he’s living here, he’s just not always sleeping here. I hadn’t even been up a few hours when I heard the bastard three times. I just can’t always tell what direction he’s going so I don’t know if I heard him come or go the last time. I just know that his asshole parents will be here as long as we are and then we’ll hope the loudest car in our future neighborhood can’t wrap around three sides of us or get as close. There’s got to be some reason Joy’s been protecting them and that can only be because they’re friends. Can’t think of any other reason she would protect them. Just too lazy to do anything about their shit? She doesn’t strike me as the lazy type. They gotta be tight. I still don’t think Kristy knows that Joy’s covering their asses either.
Speaking of Kristy, I saw a picture of Carolyn with what looked like Kristy but when I asked if that was her, she didn’t answer, which pretty much was my answer. Sometimes people’s lack of an answer is enough to answer my question. That saying about silence speaking a thousand words often rings true. Poor Kristy, though, trying to get Joy to do the right thing while being left completely in the dark while she’s at it, not knowing she’s submitting people’s complaints to their very protector.
Been loving the absence of planes this last week but I know it won’t last forever. Last night was amazingly quiet. No planes of any kind, no helicopters, no nothing. But every time summer sets in, it gets unseasonably cool. Today and yesterday have been really hot at around 100°, but tonight it’s supposed to drop to 57° and only get up to 86°. I’ll go out for a quick jog at about 9.
Through experimenting, Tom and I have been finding out what seems to work the way we hear it does and what doesn’t. Neither of us buys that protein fights hunger. There just doesn’t seem to be a connection there.
He thinks it would, but I don’t think it’s true that the more calories we burn, the more we lose, but I’m about to find out. See, I think it’s all in not consuming that many calories to begin with. Remember, I did those HIIT routines for 90 minutes where you burn 1000 calories and it didn’t affect me at all. This was right before I was diagnosed. I don’t think, for example, you can eat 2000 calories, burn 1000 calories, and “trick” your body into thinking it only ate 1000 calories. I think you have to not eat those extra 1000 calories in the first place. But next week I’m going to burn 1000 calories every day and see what happens. When I don’t actively count calories which is pretty much never these days, I naturally have about 1500 to 1800 a day.
I’m not going to do HIIT routines. I’m going to walk at a slow but comfortable pace for 5 hours while I do the things I usually do on my laptop. Maybe not all at once, though. If I walk at 2.5 MPH, I can burn about 200 calories.
The older I get, the more I bitch about losing pieces of myself like pretty much everyone does…my vision, my memory, my libido, etc. Well, when will one of those “pieces” be my appetite?
This is the first day since the biopsy that I have less irritation down there.
Oh great. Now Molly’s inserting herself into mine and Aly’s conversation on Twitter. Figured it was just a matter of time. rolls eyes I’m going to ignore her for now. I thought about protecting my tweets but I want to keep rejection as a last resort. Reject Molly and she’ll be more determined to get at you. She’s changed but then she also hasn’t. Looked in on her own tweets last night and it’s still the same old obsession about Roman. Shows me she still has the same stalking tendencies I’ve always known her to have so I would prefer to keep things amicable and not get on her shit list.
I had another dream Alyssa was in where I was prank calling her on what I knew to be a landline number of hers, not that I would ever do such a thing. We ended up going out to dinner together and I was thinking how glad I was that I didn’t make too many prank calls that would cause her to change the number. Then I wondered if she had any idea that I was the one behind the calls.
TUESDAY, JUNE 18, 2019 Just got back from our first trip to the pool this year on this beautiful dry 103° day. The dryness will be the only thing I’ll miss when we move. There was just one other woman there. She said hi to us but that was it. Good. I don’t care for chatterboxes anymore than histrionics.
Far from Home is now done! It’s 25079 words long. Will spend the rest of the month doing the final editing of the 57-page novella.
Had I taken the time to read the Eucerin sample I got from my dermatologist, I would have known it was body wash and not lotion. No wonder it was runny and sticky!
I was going to pierce Suki’s ears with a safety pin but I didn’t even need that much because TPE is so soft I could just push the earring right through. So now she has pink gemstones in her ears. When I switch to Gia, maybe she can have the purple or blue ones.
Last night was the first time the burning and itching down there woke me up. So again, when the sleep curse can’t use traffic against me, it uses me. Really worried the irritation isn’t because of the biopsy and that my case is hopeless.
Yesterday, I heard what sounded like the mama’s boy coming in at 6 p.m. and then leaving a half-hour later. Then I could have sworn I heard him come in at 9:30 and thought he might have moved back in. If he stayed here overnight last night and left at 6:30, I’m sure the Twenties would have been pissed to have been woken up. Fortunately, my earbuds saved me. Kind of surprised I haven’t heard him yet today.
I almost wish the bastard would move back in because then maybe those who were afraid to come forward will finally be fed up enough to complain and maybe Joy will then feel overwhelmed enough to actually do something. I mean, what is she going to do? Spite half a dozen people if that many complained, for example? In reality, though, no one’s going to complain and if they do they’re going to be retaliated against.
Unfortunately, his app hasn’t gotten any downloads yet.
MONDAY, JUNE 17, 2019 Will we be married for another 25 years? I wonder this at times but I kind of doubt it. I think somewhere between 20-25 years, though, so we should still have many years ahead! I know I’m always going to have something but I just hope he stays healthy till the end.
Alyssa’s been on my mind since I recently dreamed about her. I don’t know why she pops into my mind at random as she does and why I still feel this longing for her. Hell, it’s been half a decade! Not a sexual longing but just to be around her, to have her as a friend, to chat with her at times, to go out to lunch together occasionally. There was just something about her I really liked and felt comfortable with. She was very personable and kind even if she wasn’t the greatest doctor for me. She was liberal and I could tell we thought a lot alike.
She finally shared a picture of her baby. Not herself, but her husband holding the baby. I was right. It’s a girl. I had a strong feeling for some reason that it was. They don’t mention the name, though.
I’m happy for her but is there anything this woman can’t get? I couldn’t help but feel a pang of sadness for myself. I still don’t regret not having kids, not that it was ever my choice to begin with, and sometimes I’m glad I don’t have to deal with bosses and coworkers, especially when I don’t feel well, but seriously. Some people really seem to have it all! That’s the whole point, I guess, that gets to me at times. From what I can tell, she’s got great parents and comes from a decent family. She’s got money. She can keep a schedule. She’s tall. She’s got a husband who can obviously perform. I’m sure she can sleep with that husband every night, has a great career, and got to have a kid. It’s like whatever Alyssa wants, Alyssa gets.
But If I were suddenly young again, could I get someone I really lusted for while keeping a schedule and choosing the career of my choice and whether or not I had kids? No, of course not. Gay or straight, great personality and intelligence or not, I’d get the biggest sexual misfit there was. While I was dealing with that, I would have a nothing little menial job, if even that, and the rights to choose to have a child, if that’s what I chose, would be up to others or to circumstances beyond my control.
The only two things I don’t get are how the hell she finds time for the kid with such a demanding career and what it is she sees in her husband at least from a physical standpoint. He’s just so incredibly boring. He may not be fat or anything but he’s just this dark blob of nothing.
I just wonder why it is that I was never “allowed” to be normal? Do things really happen for a reason? Or did I just happen to end up this way? It makes me feel like something up there feels I don’t deserve to be normal. Why couldn’t I always sleep with my own husband? Why couldn’t we have had a normal, fun, healthy and exciting sex life together? Why couldn’t I have felt the same degree of lust that I felt for some people I could never have? Why couldn’t I keep a schedule? Why couldn’t I have the guts to drive? Why couldn’t I have a career of my own? Why couldn’t I have been the one to decide whether or not I had kids even if I’m glad I didn’t? Why is it some people can get it all? Really, what could possibly be all that wrong with Alyssa’s life? What could possibly be abnormal for her? What could she possibly want that she can’t have besides maybe a billion bucks? What realistic ordinary thing could possibly be denied to Alyssa??
Do she and her husband ever fight? Will their sex life fizzle out with age like ours did, not that I could have sex anyway due to my LS.
If things aren’t random and we’re basically given a script to play out, why was I chosen to be so unique? Why was I denied so many things that almost everyone else can get or do? What was it about me that made whatever’s up there decide I should be one of the ones to sit out on the sidelines and watch normality play out from the outside in? Why do I have so many health problems? Thyroid, ear, TMJ, rashes, sleep issues, a weight problem I have no control over, etc.
I still worry that I do indeed have LS and there won’t be anything they can do for it but give me the usual temporary solutions that can’t last forever. It’s like with my groin rash. I treat it and it comes back.
If I could get up the nerve, even though it would leave me badly mutilated and hurt like hell, I might wish I could cut off the skin in hopes of healthy or at least pain-free skin growing back.
I made my dream blog public a few days ago just to see if it would start getting any hits, and if it has, I can’t see them.
The weather has been quite mild so far this summer which is saving us money as far as the AC goes but not exactly helping the pool.
I wrote everything above late last night. Tom’s app is now in the store. No downloads yet, though. No, I don't think so.
SUNDAY, JUNE 16, 2019 The drama queen has done a great job of making up for the girls’ lack of “daddy in heaven” posts every single fucking day. sighs and rolls eyes Been going on for days now. Do some people want to remind us of those we would rather not think of or remember?
When I saw how much the fish liked hiding in the little basket Tom printed to put around the end of the filter so he wouldn’t get his delicate fins and tails sucked into it when I was cleaning it, I asked that he print another one. Haven’t seen him in it yet.
I quickly stopped by next door yesterday when picking up the mail. Virginia looks great and Bob looks like he usually does. They confirmed our suspicions. Ralph has died. So unfortunately that house is going to be on the market soon enough.
Found that using the voice typing tool directly in Google Docs on my laptop works just as well as on my phone. Google’s speech-to-text has always been better than Apple’s so I’m not going to be using my phone nearly as much anymore. With all the robocalls I get, the interruptions would definitely not be appreciated anyway. This one also starts right away like on my phone. The Mac’s takes several seconds to start. If given the choice it’s still much easier to do on my laptop because it’s easier to edit there.
Although I’m ever so slightly wound up now, probably because it’s Sunday night, I’m still continuing to do better overall. I’m just not sure if it’s more due to the pill cuts or getting closer to menopause.
What’s not good is my crotch. Still have burning and itching and still worried there won’t be much they can do for me. What the fuck’s God got against my womanhood in general, anyway? First I was denied a normal sex life. Then I was denied rights to my own reproductive system. Now this shit.
SATURDAY, JUNE 15, 2019 Happy 25th anniversary to us! Haven’t done much so far today. Changed the pigs’ liner with his help and went to Rite Aid. Then we went over some details with the app which we expect to launch today.
Forgot to mention that the two stitches she put in me are dissolvable, unlike when the other doctor did it and I had to go back to have her remove the one stitch or so she put in. So that’s one less appointment I have to worry about.
The pinching sensation is gone and I only ended up having a slight bit of spotting on the liner I wore. Let’s just say I would have been really bummed out had it not been from the biopsy and I saw that.
Crashed at around 8:30 or 9 last night just to be woken up for a few seconds when the fucking cock went zooming out at 9:30 after spending 7.5 hours with Mommy and Daddy. Doing what? Watching TV? Again, living here but not sleeping here. He really doesn’t seem to have done anything with his life since leaving the Army and divorcing 3 or 4 years ago. But I think that no matter how much Joy may have their backs, she can only cover it so much and him being here 24/7 was generating more complaints than she wanted to deal with. I just wish even more people would complain! I think the more that do, the less she’s likely to retaliate than if she just gets a few complaints every now and then. Either way, it’s pretty obvious that they’re going to be here as long as we are.
Took me an hour to fall back asleep when I woke up again at 1 a.m. after having a nightmare of sorts about having an asthma attack in the apartment of one of the characters in my books. Ah, but the dream people have spun some potential story ideas for July’s NaNo while at it! :) Given the clarity of last night’s dream, I wonder if I was seeing into another dimension. I was a lot younger and living in this apartment with a female detective. I can see the place in vivid detail. What was funny was that Alyssa was my mom. She had me when she was really young. My dad was black so she was married to a black guy just like in real life.
Maybe I’ll do some basic story that’s not exactly silly but that doesn’t have much drama or much of a plot to it and that I probably won’t end up sharing since most people may find it boring. It’s just to be doing NaNo, and I like their tools and how I can keep track of my word progress there. I still have a couple of other ideas that have been on the back burner for a while so I won’t rule those out completely.
I also had some dream about my memory issues frustrating me. There was some woman who left me a voice message that I had to call that might have had something to do with my health somehow, be it physical or emotional, and I kept forgetting to return her call.
Lastly, I also dreamed about telling someone I wasn’t sure I was going to work and then Tom said he was hoping I would because he wanted to get one more car while we were here, LOL.
FRIDAY, JUNE 14, 2019 My appointment turned out to be both good and bad. Good: She doesn’t think it looks cancerous down there. She said something about cancer being raised and bleeding but I have nothing like that. Just very red and irritated-looking.
Bad: I’m not getting better. A study of 6 patients on Tacrolimus were all cured after a year but I don’t think I’m any different than the last time I saw her.
My records from Dr. Hottie finally made it to her but the biopsy she did simply stated something about an enlarged hair follicle. Yeah, she may’ve been a hottie but she definitely wasn’t a great doctor. She misdiagnosed me on a few things.
Anyway, since I’m still burning and itching, she recommended a biopsy to be absolutely certain it really is LS and that they’re not missing anything that could explain why I’m not responding to treatment. They’ll contact me in a couple of weeks with the results and on how to proceed from there. For now, I can treat it with Tacrolimus, hydrocortisone and Tucks as needed. Just not on the biopsy site.
This biopsy went much easier than when the hottie doc did it. Amy applied a numbing cream before shooting me. Hottie just shot me straight up with nothing. Now that the numbness has abated it sort of feels like something’s pinching me there but nothing that’s got me running for the Ibuprofen as of yet. Not much bleeding either. Once again, though, the pool will be delayed. I’m not even going to work out today.
Grabbed an Eucerine sample on the way out. I know Aly likes it but I find it too greasy.
Will probably get permanent pit removal someday but not the Mona Lisa Touch.
An ambulance was pulling away from next door right as I was glancing out front at around 8:30 this morning. I stepped outside to see a lady pig in a cruiser sitting in front of our place and another cruiser just past where the ambulance had been. My first thought was that Virginia was taken away but their SUV was in their garage and I later heard someone dragging the trash bin in back after it was dumped. Maybe she just didn’t go with them this time.
Tom just went to get the mail and saw them cleaning out Ralph’s oxygen equipment, so my guess is he’s not coming back. I had a feeling about that too, what with the way the paramedics were coming around so often. I won’t miss his blasting TV at night but I really hope the house doesn’t go up for sale while we’re still here since that could very well mean getting someone with a motorcycle or other loud vehicle that comes and goes regularly which would be worse. Again, old people just aren’t what they were in the 80s and before. These days they’re almost as annoying as the young folks.
The smart plug my rainbow lamp was plugged into that I use in the bedroom when I’m working at my desk in there went out, so we ordered a new one.
Getting robocalls multiple times a day now and it’s really getting old. I keep blocking them but they keep calling from new numbers with new area codes. it’s probably because of the sweeps. I haven’t entered any in several days but I think at the end of each month when most of them expire is when I’ll enter.
THURSDAY, JUNE 13, 2019 Tammy read my journal yesterday about the gift card and said she could use it so I emailed her the code. I don’t see why it wouldn’t work for her. She hasn’t said anything about it either way and she almost never reeds or at least replies to my messages so I can’t ask her unless I ask on her wall or tag her. I don’t know what’s up with that. Maybe she just hates messages as much as I hate live phone chats.
I’ve really come to hate my nieces. All of them. Even Tammy isn’t always happy with the shit they do. I realize they’re young and there are worse people in the world than them, but between Lisa’s paranoid, accusatory and downright psychotic behavior, and the others being such narcissistic, selfish, rude bitches, I want absolutely nothing to do with any of them. Tammy herself knows that once I cut ties with someone or they cut them with me, that’s the way it stays. Never again do I want to hear from the girls and you know, I’m glad they dumped me, mostly over my posts about how being obsessed with the dead causes us to miss out on the living and me thinking it would help them not to “get over” it but to move on to more positive things. We all get stuck in negative ruts at times, after all. But yeah, I’m glad because now I don’t have to watch what I say so much because these overly-sensitive bitches can’t handle things and have the nerve to call others out on their posts while they can post whatever they want and to hell with who it annoys.
Becky and Sarah didn’t block me but I blocked them. I don’t need reminders of their existence when we all interact with Tammy. Having to hear about them and Lisa every fucking time I chat live with Tammy will be enough.
Even though I never really knew Etta and I wasn’t there, I can see why she’d throw Sarah out without warning. They ever think that maybe since both aunts can’t stand them that maybe the problem is them? Somehow I doubt it. Just can’t picture them feeling guilt, remorse or being able to own up to their own actions. “I’m sorry” probably isn’t even in their vocabulary. It was because of Tammy that I didn’t share my true feelings with them before blocking them. Like they’d get it anyway much less agree? I’ll wait and vent if Tammy dies first…maybe.
All this extra walking is doing wonders for my health and my overall sense of well-being. I feel great both physically and emotionally. Even my blood pressure is lower. Sometimes I think it’s still sad that I can never get under 150, but I try not to let it get to me. I am what I was meant to be in this day in age. I lost a pound and a half and I’m sure I can lose another pound or two, but then my body will hold its weight automatically.
Aly didn’t reply to my message until the end of my day in which case I didn’t bother to reply because I was getting too tired. We swapped messages today, though. Her GYN couldn’t see her yesterday so she went in today. Probably just an infection although it could be fibroids. It’s nothing serious either way. I just hope she soon gets a break as well so she too, can enjoy months between appointments instead of weeks. Yes, after seeing Amy tomorrow who I doubt will tell me anything I want to hear, I should be appointment-free until September unless I do decide to see the shrink in August. So far that’s not looking likely, though.
Had a dream that we were in the car going somewhere when Tom quickly skidded to a stop because some people were blocking the road. There were two vehicles that got in an accident or had car trouble, and one car was blocking the outer lane which we were in. When we got out of the car I was worried there might be a fight but all was peaceful.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 12, 2019 Sitting by the animals on the beanbag chair as I take a little rest after burning my first 300 calories of the day. I want to burn another 100-200. It takes 25 minutes of walking at 2.5 MPH to burn 100.
Even though my joints have stiffened with age, my feet and hips have been pretty good to me this time around since adding time to my walking. The last time I did this my right hip was killing me and my feet were really sore.
I ate so much KFC yesterday that I didn’t eat for the last 8 hours of my day. I didn’t even have my happy hour. Four pieces of chicken, a biscuit, french fries and part of a sundae; what was I thinking! Amazed I’m only up half a pound. I thought I would be up a pound or two.
I don’t know if this counts, but I supposedly won a $30 gift card to a bedding store when aiming for a new mattress. I guess I was one of the runner-ups. There are a few things I could get for around that price but nothing I really want or need. Wondering if this counts as what the dream I had a few nights ago represented where I won a screen door I didn’t want.
Tom decided that rather than have me give Aly a link to the first tester game right away, we’re going to keep our mouths shut and see who downloads it on their own. After a few days, I’ll give her the link. This first one is just getting his feet wet and learning how to do it. Not to make money.
If it does look like he can generate enough revenue from apps, we’ll have the business in my name since they could withhold some of his retirement money if he was making too much on the side after deciding he wanted to retire early.
It’s like that with disability. You can work part-time but any more than that and they’ll take some if not all of your disability money.
I thought I was too young for so many appointments, but poor Aly! She has an emergency gynecologist appointment this morning because she’s having heavy bleeding and major cramps. I have no idea what that could mean but after having NovaSure, it can’t be very good. Hopefully, it’s only because of her blood disorder.
It almost sucks that we both don’t want to stay in this state because, in light of not being able to get universal healthcare to pass, California is very likely to follow Massachusetts with universal healthcare long before Florida does. Eventually, they’re going to lower the Medicare age to 55, but people talk. Talk doesn’t mean shit without the actions to back up your words so I’m not going to believe anything until I see it no matter how likely it may seem. But it’s the insurance that’s the main issue for us as far as when he can retire and all that.
I like that the state is liberal and has the Death with Dignity Act that you would think would be everywhere by now, but it’s still too expensive, too cold in the winter, and I’m tired of the planes and traffic. We’re in a shitty location. Too close to too busy of a street. I don’t expect to ever have a quiet place. I learned many moves ago that that’s not meant to be. But I think we can find a bedroom that isn’t so close to the street, get on a less traveled street, and out of a flight path.
We’ve been having a heatwave of triple-digit temps. In the late afternoon when it’s at its hottest and I’m hot flashing, it’s definitely uncomfortable but it still beats being cold. The temps are supposed to drop soon, though.
My God, I’m so sick of these fucking robocalls! And having to restart my browser cuz my keyboard keeps crapping out on me, and my rainbow lamp blinking on and off. WTH is up with that?
The mama’s boy that was in twice yesterday oughta be roaring in soon.
TUESDAY, JUNE 11, 2019 Having a nice day today despite the noise. The usual loud vehicle craze following the morning planes sprinkled with landscaping.
Mama’s boy not only came in yesterday afternoon but just a little while ago the bastard came in and left a few minutes later. Again, it lives here but doesn’t sleep here yet might as well as often as it comes around. They wouldn’t get evicted and they know it.
We were going to go to West Sac today but decided we’ve tested the car enough. It sure has the best AC of any car we’ve ever had before!
After replacing the pigs’ liner, moving the rainbow clock from the master bedroom to the bathroom, and throwing Suki on the bedroom floor between the bed and closet where she’ll be easier to dress, we went to the UPS Store to return the Bose buds.
Then I got Suki a pair of magenta high-heeled sandals. Only problem is that not only is 8.5 about a size and a half too big for her, but her foot doesn’t have enough of an arch for them either, so they look a little funny on her.
Lastly, we stopped at KFC where I stupidly stuffed the shit out myself so bad I wished I could puke it up but couldn’t, of course.
We decided to go swimming on Friday after my appointment with Amy rather than today since I already showered. I’ll be showering the night before my appointment and staying up later that day. Late enough to hit the pool when the brats are gone. Or supposed to be, anyway. I fucking hate that they upped their pool time to 2:00. This isn’t an all-ages park, for God’s sake! Personally, I don’t think they should be allowed to use the pool at all. Isn’t the whole point of moving to an adult community because you want to be around adults?
Another thing we’re going to delay is our Alcatraz trip. We decided it’d be better in the fall when it’s not only cooler for outdoor activities but when there will be fewer people with the kids back in school and all that.
Tom and I were talking about it earlier and we both agree that the fact that I didn’t continue to have anxiety after the day it was more noticeable around the 5th, is still a good sign that points to the dosage being part of the issue. Brands, going into menopause, dosage, etc. I still think - and hope - I’ll one day be able to take at least 75s without issue. But yeah, it’s still looking promising. Making it to August is when I’ll really get a sense of whether or not I’m on the right track. By October I’ll know for sure.
I still hot flash just about every day but that’s mostly toward the end of my day and in bed that I do that. I’m used to it, though. It’s the anxiety I could never get used to if I lived a million years. Worst feeling on earth!
As for my weight…if I ever decide I really have to lose some for whatever reason, there are only two ways to get it off and both are impossible. I have to either eat next to nothing or pop my gut. Yeah, as in puking up my food. Only problem is that as much as I’ve tried wiggling my finger down my throat, I just can’t get my belly to pop. I even tried eating and eating until I was so full in hopes that my stomach would burst but I just can’t get myself to do that either. Even if I could, I know that having stomach acid in my throat and on my teeth regularly wouldn’t be good. I mean what am I going to do? Pop my gut every single day? Because that’s literally what it would take. I couldn’t just do it for a while and then stop, because as soon as I stopped and kept everything I ate, the weight would return. So, since my only options would be to forever starve or forever puke, I’ve gotta trust that my body wouldn’t carry this extra weight if it didn’t feel it needed it. The only thing I really don’t like about it is how it impedes my range of flexibility to a degree right along with my aging joints, ligaments and tendons.
MONDAY, JUNE 10, 2019 Starting my updating while I’m on the skier. The only thing I don’t like about this is having to hold the phone I’m voice typing on with one hand but it’s not too bad.
We got the animals into the storeroom and set the bombs off at 4:15 yesterday morning. Then we get in the car and dear hubby presses the button to start our electric car and realizes he doesn’t have the key. We both agreed that was a really dumb one on his part. I thought I was getting absent-minded! Promising to hold his breath, he dove into the house and grabbed the key. The bombs had stopped going off by then but there was still a heavy mist in the air. He survived, though. I was just a little worried about what else he might have forgotten and so was he, LOL.
Really hope that blasting music in stores and restaurants is just a Cali thing, but first, we shot uphill to Auburn at a steady 65 miles an hour, not in economy mode or doing anything to save energy, to see how fast it would drain the battery. It held up pretty well. We could probably get to SF on just 2 charges.
My ears started popping before we reached the sign saying we were 1000 feet in elevation. We went to a shopping center we would frequent when we lived in Auburn. I remembered all the stores and found myself missing the area a bit. I would still rather get the hell out of the state altogether be it to Florida or Nevada, but if I had to start all over again, even though Jesse could be a pest and his mutts barked all the time, I would have just stayed crammed in there with the shitty internet connection and the well crapping out periodically had I known just how chaotic and noisy this park would be. Not even 6 a.m. and the planes are going nonstop and soon the landscaping and loud traffic will join in.
Anyway, it took 20 minutes to charge the car and I ran around the mostly deserted parking lot during part of it because I hate to sit still for long which is part of why I hate road trips. Even so, I’m looking forward to our upcoming trip to Alcatraz even though we don’t know exactly when we’re going yet.
With the car charged, we stopped at Denny’s in Newcastle. The music wasn’t that loud but it was a bit basey. More annoying than that was the loudmouth Mexicans a few booths down.
Decided to switch to the treadmill. I have to speak a little louder but my voice is naturally loud and strong from all the years of singing I did.
I got eggs, bacon, pancakes and French fries well he got an omelet.
Then we returned to the city and actually gained battery life that way rather than lost any because it was all downhill to where we’re 300 feet in elevation. Plus, we went slower and switched to economy mode. This mini-trip gave us a better idea of what traveling to SF will be like.
Still having time to kill, we spent over an hour in Walmart browsing the aisles and listening to their blasting music. Why do stores and restaurants feel they need to entertain us? They’re there to provide food and merchandise, not entertainment! Yet you feel more like you’re stepping into some club than a store or restaurant.
Ended up getting a couple of cute dolls. An Asian one called Yuki and a cute little brown girl in a ballet leotard with shiny silver leg warmers. Plus, we picked up some groceries and I got multi-colored measuring spoons and cups to replace our old, boring set. This one has more measurement units too. Goes well with our colorful whisk.
Re-entered the house 4 hours later and the animals made for twice as much work. I swear I don’t remember guinea pigs ever being this much work! Where the rats need more attention, the pigs are more work. I think in many ways they’re more work than cats and dogs, so if you don’t want to spend more time working for your pets than enjoying them, don’t get any pigs. I love the way they sound and the cute things they do, but all they do is cost money, eat like crazy, and take a lot of work.
What really disappointed me and even had me a bit concerned was how exhausted I was in the end. Okay, so I did do a total of maybe two and a half hours of walking when you add it all up, but still…should I have been that exhausted? Low thyroid? Age? Weight? Well, I may be getting up there in years and a bit low on thyroid but I’m not that big and I do keep active, so I don’t know what my problem was. I felt winded and slightly weak but after letting myself rest for a while I was a little better. Just not awake enough to really do anything else. I didn’t even feel like checking in with people on social media/apps or whatever. I just crawled into bed and listened to my book until I fell asleep.
This has me more determined to be even more active so that Alcatraz doesn’t end up knocking me on my ass. It’s just weird, though, as I’m not that low on thyroid, I’m certainly not that old, and I’m not that fat. Just a little bit of each.
Had a dream that I won a “fancy” screen door, so naturally, I’m wondering if this means a win is right around the corner because I almost always learn I’ve won something after having a win dream. It was a weird-looking screen door with these shelves or baskets or whatever but nothing we could use. So Tom called some people to see if they wanted it. Then the dream ended with me saying I would definitely enter even more sweeps. I rarely win what I dream I won, especially since I doubt any such door exists, but seldom does it not mean anything. If it doesn’t, I’m probably going to hang up sweeping again because one of my 3 main email accounts is being overrun with spam. If it does turn out to mean anything and I do win something and therefore keep entering, I’ll use another email address that rarely gets used and let that one get overrun with spam generated from sweeps.
The day before yesterday we went to Sam’s and that was surprisingly peaceful for once. Didn’t hear nearly as much loud beeping from their stupid forklifts.
He has tomorrow off and we’re going to West Sacramento. Probably going to hit the pool as well since we’re in for some triple-digit temps. Today will mostly be spent walking and writing.
Noticed Mr. Twenties unfriended me on Facebook. He hasn’t been very active on there for quite a while because of privacy issues or so that’s at least what he says. I wonder how long it will be before Carolyn unfriends me as well? It might be because he’s not into it but I think more than likely it’s that I’m too different than they are but that’s okay. No hard feelings whatever his reason.
Burned my first 125 calories of the day. I’m aiming for 400. Of course I’m not going to lose weight, but it’s definitely going to get me in even better shape. I’m surprised I didn’t wake up with a sore hip today so that much is good.
SATURDAY, JUNE 8, 2019 Tom met “Santa Claus” the other day when getting the mail but forgot his real name. He has a business dressing up as Santa and looks the part too, with his long white beard. He’s skinny, though, and lives down the street. I think I’ve seen him. Pretty sure he moved in next to Jim.
I’ve been having issues with excessive hunger for a while now and while I know PMS and pregnancy can make you hungry, I couldn’t understand why I was hungry so often so I looked, and sure enough, it’s yet another symptom of going into menopause. I’m just about convinced that menopause causes everything except for one to get rich. I really am.
Ended up tossing down nearly 2,000 calories yesterday but surprisingly, I woke up the same weight as the day before. I wasn’t even very active yesterday either. Decided that weight gain, if that’s what’s going to happen, is worth ending my constant hunger so I’m just going to eat when my body feels it needs to and leave it at that. If I gain, fine. If I don’t, that’s fine too. I’m just tired of always having to hold back.
Read this article about how difficult it’s supposed to be to lose weight after menopause and when I think about it, I can only think of a few people over 50 that have lost weight and that was only because something was wrong. I’ve known it wasn’t coming off until I became old or God forbid ill, but being hungry all the time isn’t worth trying to keep more from coming on. So from now on, I eat when I’m hungry. No more holding out. My blood pressure may go up and I may not be as healthy and I may get the neck knockers I had last night, but at least I won’t be hungry anymore!
Aly and I were talking about this 10-year-old girl named Viv whom she nannies for at times and how her mother seems to be attracted to abusive men. Then she mentioned that Molly is the same way and seems to prefer those that treat her like shit. Well, I don’t know Vivian’s mother but it’s hard to feel sorry for Molly when she’s hurt so many people. To me, this is just karma coming back at her.
It was unusually chilly the night before last when we went out for a walk late at night. Another unusual thing for this time of year is that I can hear the freeway. It’s like summer just doesn’t want to stay. We’re in for triple-digit soon so maybe it will stick around a while then.
The planes have been horrible. We definitely need to get out of flight paths. What I don’t understand is why we became one after four years of living here. I would have noticed such excessive flying had it been an issue prior to that. The only things I heard excessively before that were small planes, military jets, and helicopters. The commercial planes didn’t start driving me crazy until last September. Early mornings and late nights are especially bad and the temperature doesn’t seem to have any effect on it. For some reason, they chose us to be a new flight path and I swear I wasn’t kidding when I said that each and every place I live in gets progressively noisier. It’s never been the other way around and it’s never held steady either. I just think it’s fucking ridiculous that we’re the only ones in the world that can’t move for years. Tom assures me there are plenty of others who can’t move right when they want to. For over half a decade, though? No, I’m sorry. This only happens to us. With everyone else, it’s weeks or months at the most. Not years. So as much as I’ve come to hate this country for a lot of reasons, we definitely need to stay in it. It would be hard enough to get back out of Florida if we decided we didn’t like it, so imagine how many years it would take to get out of another country! It’s like something up there has always been obsessed with me being in places I didn’t want to be in or had grown tired of. This started in my childhood…the Brattleboro Retreat, Valleyhead… Wouldn’t God just fucking love me if I stayed here forever? The thing is that I know that whatever’s cursing me with noise is going to ruin the next place, too. The best I can do is focus on a nicer climate and a newer place. Not what’s around it.
What I don’t get about the mama’s boy’s parents is why they ever moved here. Their son would obviously love to live with them for the rest of their lives and I think it’s safe to say they wouldn’t mind that at all. So why come here then? Tom says it’s because it’s cheaper but so are other mobile parks, including those for all ages.
For some reason, the year 2022 comes to mind as far as us moving. Had a dream a while back that suggested September would be the month but if it’s going to take that long, we may as well stay till he reaches full retirement on the 1st of 2024. Either way, we’ve got a long way to go.
I tested the last Echo Dot we got which is white, and this time it didn’t hiss on words with S sounds in them when reading my book, but the speaker sounds awful. It’s like listening to someone talk from another room. So I brought the Dot back into the bedroom and paired it back up with the remote.
The cocoon wasn’t really making much of a difference, and while it’s easy for me to say I don’t care what this place looks like anymore since it’s not our forever home, that doesn’t mean I want to see something that hideously weird and ugly looking either. So we’re thinking of adding a canopy to the bed because that way I wouldn’t have to move any soundproofing material or anything we draped over it when making the bed. I think that would look nice actually, and I could cover it with something more decorative. It would make the room look smaller but who cares about that?
Again I had another positive and detailed dream about my mother and again it makes me wonder. Another dimension? Her reaching out from beyond? Simply a dream? Nothing changes either way. I could never forgive her. Not even if she were suddenly alive again. As I said, if you dump me or give me a reason to dump you, I don’t do do-overs. Once you’re out of my life that’s the way it stays.
In the dream, I’m not sure if I ever knew Tom or not but I was definitely single. I was my real age but mom seemed younger. She’d just been released from the hospital and I ran up to greet her when someone dropped her off at her house. I told her I had been worried about her and she promised that she would take better care of herself from now on.
Then it was her birthday again and we were supposed to go somewhere where someone was throwing her a party. She was driving us there but then we ended up in a hotel.
It was in the evening and I had a cold and wished we could hurry up and get the party over with so I could go to bed. One of the guinea pigs was on the floor and hopped over to the door when voices could be heard out in the hall. I first thought it was the people throwing mom the party but then their voices faded away.
I told Mom that I wanted to ask her some personal questions when she had a chance. I was going to ask her about changing hormones and some things about how we change as we age.
Then it was daytime and we were at the beach in Connecticut. I sat on the shore for a few minutes and then slowly waded out into the water for a quick dip.
Then it was nighttime again and we were back in the hotel room. I still felt like I had a cold, too. Mom turned off the lights, put on some music, and lay down in her bed. I got up from the other bed to ask her what was going on next and she gently took my hand in the dark and said she was tired of waiting and wasn’t even going to turn the music down so she could hear the phone if anyone called.
Was just about to post this when Tom got up and updated me on Pawandeep. She had her adenoids removed before going home to India for a while. When she returned it was found that her TSH went from a 4 to 0, so she’s to go back down to 50s. I was surprised they’d up her to 75s from a 4 as it was. Even more surprised to learn she never had thyrotoxic symptoms as I did as high as a 3. She lost more weight too, but she’s young and her throat is super sore. Tom had his own adenoids removed when he was a kid and said it was horrible.
FRIDAY, JUNE 7, 2019 Decided to block the girls after all. Like with Lisa, I don’t need any reminders of their existence when they swap comments with Tammy, and this way I confirm that this is the way it stays. Sure, they could call or email me but they’d only do that if Tammy died and maybe not even then.
Slept better and longer so I feel more rested today. I’m enjoying another calm day and I didn’t experience any sodium neck knockers either.
I’m exactly 25 years in the past as far as my secondary PB account goes. I’ve left this one open to comments but haven’t received any yet. I’m also matching dates. So that means I posted June 7, 1994. Next entry for that year is on the 9th, so I’ll post that in two days. LOL
THURSDAY, JUNE 6, 2019 I thought I was going to have some anxiety today but I’m okay. Nothing yesterday either.
Just had to take a baby Benadryl because my forearm is itching like crazy. Not even hydrocortisone cream is helping it. One of the pigs or rats was climbing on me and scratched me a couple of days ago.
The Twenties had to have been pissed yesterday morning when the fucking cock came roaring in at 6:45, no doubt waking them up. Waiting for the first brave soul to finally get fed up enough to take a bat to the fucking thing but know it will never happen. Besides, Joy has their backs either way. The only way you can get away with violating the rules as often as they have is to have a friend in the office. That much is obvious even if Joy hadn’t retaliated on me or the Twenties for complaining. They’ll be here as long as we are no matter what they do.
I think of Tammy and what she’s going through in her park and it’s funny while it’s not. I warned her this would happen. I warned her that adult communities aren’t what they used to be. Things change. People change. And these places are anything but peaceful these days that I don’t even know why they bother to exist. I can’t imagine shit like this happening on Nettles Island when my parents lived there. I just can’t.
Speaking of them and living places, I had a weird dream about my mother last night that had me wondering when I realized the date. In the dream, she was acting totally different than she would in real life. I must have been single because I was all excited about her getting me an apartment in this luxury building she lived in.
Well, first of all, she would never want me living close to her. Hell, she wouldn’t even let me have her fucking phone number for quite a while. This is the kind of shit I would laugh off when I was younger but later came to resent and see it for the insulting act that it truly was.
Nonetheless, she was totally different in the dream. She was relaxed, she was joking, and she was just plain nice.
Jokingly I asked, “Is it wrong to feel safer moving into the same building your mother lives in even when you’re supposed to be tough at your age?”
She assured me it wasn’t wrong and then teasingly said, “You were never tough.”
I laughed and said it sounded funny the way she said that.
Then she took me into what looked like a small eatery of some kind that was on the ground floor. We were to meet with the manager or something like that.
By the counter was a pool with glass walls, and I excitedly exclaimed how much I loved those things as I thought of how exciting it would be to live in such a fancy building with modern stuff. I was so happy that I had tears in my eyes.
Then I woke up and realized there was something familiar about the date. Today my mother would have been 87 years old. Weird coincidence or not? Some people believe that the dead communicate with us through our dreams but I’m still not convinced we live on after death. I just don’t know.
Woke up very tired because I slept shitty. Yeah, I’m on that cycle again and expect it to go on for days before I’m sleeping better again. I woke up twice to pee and a million other times for nothing. Incredibly, even though I was “unbudded,” traffic didn’t wake me up.
I probably shouldn’t have gotten the fried food I got on the way back from the ENT, which was quick as usual. Won’t see her again for a year. Eating shitty food after eating healthy might have had a part in why I didn’t sleep well. I’m sure it definitely had a part in the very noticeable neck knockers I had with all the sodium in those chicken nuggets and fries.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 5, 2019 Tammy has been very understanding as far as her narcissistic brats go. She admits that she doesn’t agree with everything her girls do, but because they’re adults they do have the right to decide who they want in their lives.
I appreciate that she isn’t taking sides and understands where we’re both coming from and doesn’t try to push anyone one way or the other. I know in my heart I didn’t do anything wrong and that I was only cut off by the girls because I said things they didn’t want to hear. So my conscience is clear and I don’t feel guilty in any way shape or form as I had just as much right to express myself as they did. I’m actually kind of glad they’ve cut ties with me because it’s easier this way. They’re too sensitive and emotional in the wrong kind of way so now I don’t have to feel like I’m walking on eggshells because they have to be so damn fragile. It isn’t just that they’re overly fragile or sensitive but more that they’re just very selfish individuals. They have a problem with what others say but they have absolutely no problem whatsoever with saying what they want to say.
Oh, life’s little sensitives. rolls eyes Don’t you just love them? They’re still young so maybe they’ll grow up a little eventually. Even if they do, though, I don’t do do-overs. I used to, but not anymore. So if they decide 5, 10 years down the road that they’d like to reconnect with me, it’s too late. Consider me a train. When traveling Amtrak and stepping off for a smoke or something, if you don’t get back on that train when it takes off, it will not stop to take you back.
I may not feel any guilt or shame where they’re concerned, but last night I sure ended up feeling the worst I’ve felt since beginning this dosage experiment just over 8 weeks ago. What’s next, a period?
I was definitely more than just a little on edge. I feel a bit crushed, heartbroken, and kind of devasted, too. I now have absolutely no clue what could be causing it, though I agree with Tom in that it’s probably multiple things. All I do know for sure is that I definitely had problems when I first went on 75s and when I took 88s. That couldn’t be more obvious than it was.
But now I’m thinking it’s more likely tied in with going into menopause, a condition I happened to acquire, things going on like noise and sleep issues, or maybe there’s even something cursing this house. I don’t know, maybe there’s just something bad about this place. Some kind of negative energy in the area. That one seems the least likely so I guess all I can do is hope it’s tied in with changing hormones and someday it will go away even if it’s looking less likely the longer I have it. It would be especially devasting if I had it 6-12 months after being officially menopausal.
I’ll probably just have to deal with it when it hits and enjoy the days that it doesn’t. So far today I’m fine but I’ve only been up for 5 hours and it tends to set in more towards the middle of my day. I still think there could be a connection with drug brands too, but just like I one day had to accept that I would never lose weight and that being heavy is simply the older me, I might have to accept that I’m going to suffer on and off from anxiety for the rest of my life. I guess if I could adapt to being fat and even become comfortable with it the more familiar it got, I will eventually do the same with the anxiety. It’s me. Just like having a deformed ear is me.
That fake ear canal has 9 hours before it’s properly cleaned. Yeah, nothing like having your sleep broken up due to a nightmare, waking up tired, even if I’m not as tired as I thought I would be, and then having a million hours before your appointment.
In the dream, I was sitting on the edge of an airbed. Tammy was in the room as I looked at a remote I held in my hand that said it was low on air. So I blew it up a bit and then checked the remote. It’s still said it was low on air, so I began to blow it up again. Initially, only the head of the bed began to rise and my first thought was that one of the inner walls had burst. But in just a few seconds, the bed curled upward and wrapped around me, squeezing me in its center. Sandwiched in as tightly as I was, I couldn’t work the remote that was still clutched in my hand in order to release the air. I awoke hoping Tammy would run and grab a pair of scissors and start cutting me out of the thing before I could suffocate to death.
So not a nice dream at all. :-(
Saw an ad for the Chernobyl series on HBO and forgot that we have HBO. It’s part of our internet package. So I began watching it. What a horrifying tragedy!
I’m also absolutely thrilled that for once we’re going to start controlling men’s bodies instead of just women by castrating child molesters. Only, I don’t think just “certain” child molesters should be castrated. I think all sex offenders of all kinds should be regardless of the age of their victims. But this is a start! Now let’s see how they like having their bodies controlled and being told what they can and can’t do with them.
I’m just wondering when women are going to finally fight back. If they keep sitting and letting men tell them what they can and can’t do, they’ll keep being taken advantage of. Sometimes you really do have to step on people to get ahead. Marching in parades while chanting and twirling signs isn’t going to do it. Physically going after these politicians and putting them in their place is what’s going to ultimately lead to their freedom. Once they make an example out of the bastards that are controlling them, this is what’s going to send the right message to future politicians and remind them of what can happen if they even think of jumping in the driver’s seat of a woman’s reproductive rights.
Anyway, other than being a little tired tonight, I’m still having some head pressure upon standing up, neck knockers, lightheadedness and that strange vibration I get in my head at times.
TUESDAY, JUNE 4, 2019 Okaaayyy, I have done my part and I guess this is it. We can send messages to people but we can’t make them reply. If my nieces want nothing to do with me, I will respect their wishes and fuck right off, but this is the way it stays. :) Once you step out of my life or I put you out of it, you don’t get back in. I don’t go back and forth, I don’t “fight” for people, I don’t do dramatics, etc. Out of respect for Tammy, I have refrained from really speaking my mind, not that it would change anything other than to perhaps let me vent and get some things off my chest since they seem to be very Kim-like in that they can do no wrong as far as they’re concerned.
As I said, I don’t want any drama. So best to simply return the silent treatment and leave it at that. Sometimes it’s okay to consider other people’s feelings before considering our own and that’s what I’m going to do in this case, but only for now. Someday I fully do intend to share a piece of my mind with the narcissistic selfish bitches no matter what.
Finished Slasher last night and was surprised at who the Druid turned out to be. Just didn’t expect them to be black and I’m sure the producers got called out on that one, but I like that they mix things up. More realistic that way.
The last few nights have been quiet and the days have been hot and dry. Unfortunately, the temperature is going to drop 20° by Friday. :-(
Right before 8pm, I heard a guy shout in what sounded like a panicked and angry voice. My first thought was Mr. Twenties getting run over again, but then I looked out the front window and saw two guys and a woman entering the circle on bikes. I didn’t see the first biker but the other guy and woman seemed younger and my first thought was that it was the punk with the loud car and his father and sister. But they never re-entered the circle after leaving it unless they did so without shouting at each other, and I haven’t heard the car, so I guess it wasn’t them.
Slept great but last night I was slightly on edge. Didn’t feel as good as I did the night before but tonight I’m feeling okay so far. Still not having anything that literally constitutes being anxious so that much is good. My next milestone goal is to get to August. That’s when I go from being 60% hopeful to 80%. Still don’t want to get my hopes up too high but it’s looking good so far. It’s been 8 months since my last period and while I don’t want to get my hopes up with that either, that’s looking good, too. :-)
Because I fucked up and left the 11th on the calendar for seeing Amy when it was really bumped up to the 14th, he’s got both of those days off. During the 11th we’re going to take Candy for a little test drive and see what it’s like using the free charging stations. We won’t go very far, of course, but maybe up to Auburn or something.
Oh, the joys of having ADD. Really getting impatient with the book I’m writing so even if it’s not always a good thing to do, I’m going to rush it along and get it done and over with so I can get bored with another story during July’s Camp NaNo, LOL.
The waterless small animal shampoo arrived. It leaked a little but the bottle is still full. The baby powder scent is lovely. I don’t know if the rats care one way or the other, but the pigs seem to like it.
Fuzzy used to sit on my shoulder as I’d open the fridge to get his cheese. Now he jumps into the fridge and tries to help himself, haha!
Digital Expressions is shutting down after 17 years. Never wrote much there anyway since I didn’t like their text editor much. It replaced apostrophes with these funny symbols and I can’t do anything “privately” while still being public since people always find me. As I’ve said before, if I want someone to know I signed up wherever, I would tell them. Sometimes I just like to write for a different group of people and see how they react. That ain’t happening unless I create a bogus email account and join in a bogus name and that’s just not worth it to me. So I’ll likely be just MO or private in most places.
Aly didn’t deactivate her Ask account but I did. Why get questions I’m going to have a hard time answering due to their shit? Maybe Ask will sell the damn site someday to someone better equipped to handle all the traffic and that won’t need to resort to tactics that will drive users away.
Meanwhile, we’re both on CC now and I suspect Kim is, too.
“Do you worry a lot about things?”
This was a question I was asked anonymously that smacks of Kim.
I asked Aly if she wanted me to identify myself when asking her questions and she said I didn’t have to because she could usually tell what was from me. To this, she added a grinning emoji, and again I wondered just how she’s able to make me on so many things. But I also don’t see how she could hack my account and find that info either. We can’t keep track of the things we’ve asked others. Aly would have to hack Ask itself in order to find that info out. Could she do something like that and get away with it? Would she do it if she could? I would think that would be awfully risky but who knows? The only other way she could find this out would be to hack my computer and I would think my virus protection would have picked up on that by now, but I’m not a computer expert. She knows more about this kind of thing than I do.
But yeah, she really makes me wonder at times. Maybe she’s psychic or unusually intuitive because there were times, after all, when I mentioned sensing someone on Ask who knows us, and she said she got that feeling, too. Well, if she could just hack Ask and find out, why not do that? And why disallow anonymous comments as she did for a while, saying she wanted to know who was asking what? So she’s probably just very intuitive or a lucky guesser.
Started unsubscribing from sweeps because I just don’t win often enough for it to be worth wading through all the spam. It’s like the sponsors take advantage of entrants and see it as a legal opportunity to spam the shit out of them. Besides, getting other people’s “congratulations” really gets to me. I don’t know why, but I fucking hate that. It’s just so rude and unnecessary to congratulate someone on someone else’s win and get them all excited for nothing. Only the real winners should be notified. Not everyone entered the contest.
Learned what a “gold star” lesbian is, LOL, when pouring through some questions and answers on CC. I guess it’s a lesbian who has never been with a man and never intends to be either.
I still consider myself technically bi because I have been attracted to some men here and there. Just not as many men as women. You know you’re growing old, though, when the thought of being liked by someone you consider gorgeous doesn’t excite you the way it would years ago. I don’t think I’d feel anything at all.
I still watch random videos before bed when I’m unwinding and I’ve browsed through many videos of stories where people claim to have gone to heaven while others go to hell. I just never know whether or not they’re true stories, hallucinations, or maybe they’re just making it all up.
I still worry about an afterlife existing even though I would prefer for there to be absolutely nothing at all. Still don’t know if there is one, but the possibility concerns me because if there is a hell, how do I know that’s where I won’t end up? Well, I guess when these dark possibilities worry me, I just try to reassure myself that there’s just as much chance of me ending up in a good place as there is a bad one.
Then there’s the debate on how humanity will end. Most scientists and laureates believe it will end due to the population rising and environmental degradation.
I disagree. I believe it’ll end by their second guess… Nuclear war. I think climate change, environmental damage and disease are actually what would be the case if not for a nuclear war. So I think their second guess is most likely and their first guess is the next likely.
I can’t say when this war will happen, but I think it’s about a hundred years away. I don’t think it will happen until technology advances so far that just a few bombs are all it takes to destroy humanity. Right now, the people crazy enough to start shit don’t quite have the power to do much harm. The biggest threat is from the Middle East and North Korea. They’re even crazier than Trump. Trump is too selfish to spite himself in order to spite others in that he wouldn’t be willing to kill everybody in the world if it meant killing himself as well. Once the most advanced weapons get into the wrong hands is when worldwide chaos, death and destruction will occur. And yes, there are plenty of people who will kill themselves and their families to kill others.
MONDAY, JUNE 3, 2019 Coming up on 8 weeks without any serious anxiety! Just a touch on edge here and there. So now I have a faint glimmer of hope that while hormones may still be a factor, the brand and dose were also issues. I’d now say there’s a 60% chance it was.
Traffic woke me up once when I temporarily took the buds out during my sleep, though I still slept well overall and feel rested. Figured the cocoon was a waste of time and money, though.
Okay, here’s what I’m going to do regarding Becky and Sarah. It’s Becky’s birthday today. I’ll wish her a happy birthday in a DM and will do the same for Sarah on September 14th. After that, if I don’t hear from them, we’re done. They’ll never hear from me again unless it’s to give them a piece of my mind. I don’t expect to tell them how I really feel, though, as long as Tammy’s alive and we’re connected. It’s only out of respect for her that I don’t let the narcissistic, selfish brats in on what I’m really thinking.
SUNDAY, JUNE 2, 2019 Fed up with the issues they have, Aly and I left Ask for Curious Cat. Since she asked me one of her answers to a question I asked her anonymously, again I wonder if she’s hacked my account. But she’d have to hack more than that to know I asked it. Ask doesn’t have a ‘sent’ section of any kind. So as I’ve asked a million times before, how does she know certain questions are from me no matter how I write them, and how did she really find my old PB account?
Let’s see her find Just Too Funny. I deleted the one she found and created this one for paraphrased entries. I used a real email addy and my real name but this time I blocked every account of hers I could think of and set it to MO.
This is just too weird. After a nice hot dry day, It’s raining. Steadily but not really pouring. Strange for this time of year but despite the rain and wearing the wrong glasses, I rode down and tossed the old bread by the lake for the ducks to have for breakfast if it holds up in the rain. My HR was pounding when I got in but settled down at a reasonable pace. There are tons of hills here and I was going fast, like 15-20 MPH.
Tom was walking the rent down to the office when he spotted a couple of ducks fucking a few houses down. LOL, too funny.
He chatted with Mr. Twenties when he and Mrs. Twenties were passing out the Crier. They chatted about the car and other things.
I’ve been sleeping surprisingly well even though Tom said it was noisy today with loud trucks, landscaping and helicopters. Yeah, I don’t doubt it. I’m not kidding when I say this place makes the noisiest of places I’ve lived in seem comatose. It sucks here most of the time. It’s not even quiet at night usually. So far so good tonight, though.
Ran out to Rite-Aid earlier and grabbed a few things. Got a 4-pack of Merlot from a brand I’ve never tried before called Sutter Home. It tastes exactly like Barefoot’s.
I also got Maybelline’s new 24-hour lipstick that’s two-sided. First you brush the color on and then there’s a wax seal. I’m liking it so far. I got a subtle pinkish color that doesn’t really stand out but is just obvious enough to notice.
The cocoon is now in beta testing, though I’m still going to use the buds since I’m only a few days away from an appointment.
SATURDAY, JUNE 1, 2019 Just like last night, I thought I was heading for a new round of anxiety, but I still seem to be holding steady. Maybe not quite as calm as I’d like but nothing serious. At least not yet. I’m less than two days from the ultra-critical zone of the experiment I’ve been doing. I’m only taking a full dose once a week.
Last night I was really cold and tonight I’m just the opposite. I’ve always been sensitive to cold and get cold easily and I’m still hot flashing, but some of the cold may be low thyroid. Can’t really say for sure. I understand, though, that if I can still be experiencing hot flashes, I suppose it makes sense that I could feel some anxiety. I just hope it doesn’t get so bad that it morphs into depression and feelings of hopelessness! I also hope it will get less and less as I become postmenopausal.
Been working non-stop on various pet and household tasks for the last 8 or 9 hours. Getting them out of the way so I can enjoy the weekend whether I end up tired or not.
Nothing woke me up today but my bladder. Got up to pee in the middle of my sleep and had trouble falling back asleep so I slept a little later than expected and pushed myself to get up at 3:30 because I didn’t want my schedule jumping too fast. It would be good for my ENT but not for my dermatologist.
I’m only slightly tired today, though. But sooner or later my luck is going to run out and I’m going to wake up a million times due to whatever or whoever, and I’m going to be too tired to do much. So that’s why I’m glad to have things done and out of the way, like laundry and things like that.
Tomorrow he’s going to pick up a special kind of glue at Lowe’s for the finishing touches of the soundproofing drape or cocoon or whatever you want to call it. Again, even if the Bose had been comfortable enough to sleep with (they’re slightly too big for me), they do a great job masking high-frequency sounds but nothing to mask lower ones like the hum of an air conditioner, traffic, snoring, etc.
Not sure if I’m going to work on my story tonight but I’m still enjoying Slasher even though the producer obviously went out of their way to do everything to make non-whites look good and whites look bad. Typical of today to make whites look like evil haters when more of them hate us these days than we hate them.
Proud of myself for continuing to learn to cook, even if they’re relatively simple things that anyone could make. I’m keeping away from the more intricate dishes like casseroles and things like that.
I sauteed mushrooms in margarine, onions, a touch of garlic salt, and some Worcester sauce. Went great with my tilapia. :)
Got sunflower butter for the first time and it’s pretty weird. Tom even tried it, too. It looks like peanut butter but it’s runny. Although it’s a thick glob, you could pour it out of its jar as I did into my smoothie. I love sunflower seeds but I’m not sure I like this. I’m just weird like that. Love tomatoes, but hate tomato soup. Love OJ, but can’t stand oranges or anything that smells orangy.
Adding a bit of carbs to my diet is helping with hunger.
So glad we’re finally hitting the 90s! Should warm up the pool nicely. :) Just disappointed that the warmer weather isn’t canceling out the planes like it does the freeway. It’s better than when it’s cooler and windy but still not like it was before last fall when only small planes and helicopters were annoying.
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martinhouse · 1 year ago
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If you're thinking about replacing your windows, read this first
If I could go back in time, it'd probably not be for super socially solid reasons like avoiding the Great Depression or stopping Hitler. I'd probably go back in time to stop the inventor of vinyl.
Vinyl is the bane of any preservationist. I refer to Big Vinyl in my life more often than I should care to admit, like it's this single entity taking over the populous with its wastefulness and less-than aesthetic value.
Sometime after the big housing boom of the post WWII era, Big Vinyl hired the best marketing firm available to them, and every homeowner with a turn-of-the-century or older home was pressured into replacing their "drafty old windows" with these new-fangled energy efficient double-or-triple paned vinyl replacements. They were also swindled into covering up their lap or cedar siding with the same material but that's a discussion for another day. The vinyl window manufacturers convinced homeowners their current wood windows leaked cold air and led to higher energy bills, and of course these people were willing to invest in these glamorous new inventions in order to save a few bucks on the gas bill, who wouldn't?
But the thing is, the old craftsmen of yore were smart folks. They built homes to stand the test of time: centuries even. The concept of Planned Obsolescence would've been as foreign as the internet to them. They built these windows from materials that not only would last centuries, but also built them in a way they could be maintained by any homeowner with rudimentary tools and a weekend afternoon. Vinyl replacement windows are the beginning to a long lineage of trash. Once that vinyl replacement window you've installed in your home fails, and fail it will as plastic, when exposed to cold, heat, and sunlight, ultimately does fail, it cannot be maintained. The entire sash must be removed, taken to the landfill, and replaced again.
Wood sashes are fairly simply removed from their casings to be reglazed, repainted, and returned to their location. In the case of a double or single hung window, simply pop off the stop, remove the sashes, perform the maintenance, and return them. Casement windows are even simpler to remove -- simply pop out the hinge pins and remove the sash. I will recommend a couple of books on the subject at the bottom of this post.
I've looked at many homes with buyer clients who immediately think once they close on the house they need to replace old windows that have been painted shut, or are missing sash cords, or leak cold air. With a little bit of consideration and a little more effort, you can get these old windows working for you in very little time.
The question, of course, is always energy savings. The idea behind new replacement windows is that they're double or even triple paned, allowing a space for "neutral" air to rest between the panes of glass and thereby keeping your house cool or warm, season-dependent. If your old, character-filled single-pane windows are well glazed (no access point for air to move through the window) and fitted with a proper storm window, they are no less energy efficient than their newer counterparts. Spend some time on google just to see who is telling you the new windows are so much more energy efficient: the "studies" have been paid for by companies such as Andersen, Window World, Pella...in other words, window manufacturers who stand to make money off you! The average cost of a replacement window is $650, including the labor. Now consider this over an entire house: our home has 30+ windows. That's nearly $20,000 in windows. Our energy bill is typically $250/mo if you average out cooling and heating seasons (we have storm windows). So let's pretend that goes down to $200/mo (it wouldn't, I promise, but let's just play pretend). That's a savings of $600/year. It would take over 33 years to make up the cost of the replacement windows. Now, I ask...will the replacement windows last that long? It's unlikely. The service life of a vinyl window (and please, take this with a grain of salt, I scrolled for a long time before giving up and just taking the first hit on google which was a window manufacturer) is 20-40 years.
And for a little dose of anecdotal evidence: when my parents first bought their 1908 American Foursquare home in Illinois, the windows had been neglected and leaked cold air. They replaced all of the windows with double paned vinyl. This did reduce their energy bills (of course it would, the old windows leaked cold air, they needed to be maintained). However, when several of the windows were less than 5 years old, their spring action mechanisms failed and they were unable to stay in the open position under their own volition. We had a houseful of 1xs stationed on the windowsills of every room to prop them open. And what's one of the biggest complaints of old windows? They don't stay up. I bet 90% of the sash weights are still in the sash pockets of the windows that don't stay up, and all they need is a sash cord. Bullocks!
When you consider the climate crisis, do we really want to contribute to the amount of trash in the landfill by replacing our replacement window every few decades? Or should we spend a little bit of time maintaining our wood windows that have been built specifically for your home and have the potential to last generations? A gallon bucket of Sarco type M Glazing Putty is $85. That'll glaze a lot of windows.
I'll touch on the character defining aspects of wavy glass and wood windows in another post.
Please consider the following books if you're interested in maintaining your own wood windows:
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bluestar22x · 1 year ago
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A Young!Joel Miller Short Fanfic
xxx
Summary: When you move in next door, you ask Joel and Tommy to paint your house. No outbreak AU. Sarah is in part of the story.
Pairing: Young!Joel x Legally Blind F!Reader (only other physical description is that she doesn't have cloudy eyes); Miller family dynamics
Rating: 18+
Warnings: Fluff, smut, no physical barriers aka condoms (not recommended), Joel taking things nice and slow ;)
Word Count: 5,300 (ish)
Author's Note: I'm not blind myself so I hope I did this justice. I do follow a blind youtuber channel so I've made an attempt to make this accurate considering there's varying degrees and types of blindness. I had to try since I couldn't get this fic idea out of my head.
xxx
November 2003
"Sarah?" Joel called out as he stepped into his house after a long day finishing another construction project with Tommy, kicking off his boots by the door.
"In here," he heard her call from the kitchen.
He climbed the few steps between that room and the entrance way, finding her seated at the dining table, focused on coloring in something on white poster paper with colored pencils.
"What'd you got there?" he quizzed, heading for the fridge and pulling out a bottle of Coke, twisting the cap off. He turned to face her as he took a sip.
"Mrs. Henson assigned us science projects last week," she answered, not looking up. "Mine's on water runoff, you know? How the rain erodes and shapes land and stuff?"
Joel grunted. "Ya. We learned that in school too."
Sarah smiled slightly at his grumpy reaction and continued on, "I got the research paper part of it done yesterday and tonight I want to finish the poster."
"When is it due?" he asked her, walking over to study the drawing she'd made. More than a little bit of pride bloomed in his chest when he noted how realistic the land and water looked on the paper. She was a real little artist.
"Thursday," she replied, "But I wanted to get it done early, since Ava wants to go to the mall tomorrow - if that's okay? We're gonna take the bus together."
"Sure." Joel had planned on taking the next day, a Saturday, off to spend time with her, but he wasn't going to stop her from going out with her new friend just cause he wanted to spend some time with her. Ava was a good kid like Sarah and he wanted to encourage his daughter's friendship with her. It was a good thing for her to be going out with kids her age. She was nearly fifteen, after all. As much as he hated that she was growing up so fast, he refused to hold her back. She was already wise beyond her years. "Do you need any money?"
She shook her head. "I still have that money from dog sitting Mercy."
"Alright."
The Adlers, their closest neighbors, had hired Sarah to watch Mercy for a weekend last month while they were away for a family member's wedding in Oklahoma. She'd earned fifty bucks and as sensible as she was, she had of course put the money away instead of spending it immediately.
Joel wanted to insist he give her some money for it too, she deserved it, but he knew she'd refuse. She was old enough to know that money was tight. They were in a good place, but any big emergencies could easily mess that up, and Joel was also trying save up money for college for her. That she didn't know about.
"Thanks," Sarah said gratefully, getting back to work.
"No need, kiddo," Joel told her, warm eyes watching her. The wall mounted phone in the kitchen began to ring and he frowned before striding over to pick it up. Who would be calling at this time? His brother better not have gotten into trouble again. He'd wring out his neck.
"Miller."
"This Joel?" inquired an unfamiliar feminine voice on the other end of the line - yours.
"Yeah."
"Sorry for calling so late," you said. You stated your name. "I tried calling you earlier today but no one picked up. Guessed you were at work. Anyway, I'm a neighbor of yours across the street, recently moved in next door to Denise. She talked to me today and suggested I call you about getting the inside painted. She gave me your phone number. Said you and your brother Tommy painted her place last year for her at a fair price."
Tommy had been the one to set that small job up. It wasn't what they usually did, but painting was easy, and his little brother had been dating Denise at the time. They'd only been together a few weeks before deciding they weren't quite right for each other, but they'd remained friends ever since. Part of that was Denise throwing them job opportunities every once in a while. He wasn't sure why Denise hadn't given you Tommy's number though.
"You're in luck," Joel said, "We're in between jobs. You want the whole inside painted?"
"Yes."
"Will you have everything we need?" he questioned.
"I've never had a house painted before," you told him. "This is my first home I own. I wouldn't know what to get. But I did get the paint and I'll pay for all the supplies you need to buy, of course."
Joel asked you exactly which house was yours and how big each of the rooms were, if there were a lot of corners, any wallpaper to be taken down, etc. and you answered him in precise ways that gave him an excellent idea on what the job would cost you. When he gave you the estimation he could almost hear the smile on your face in your bright tone. "That's so much better than what the other painter was estimating. When could you start?"
"Well, I'll have to talk to my brother and get back to you in the morning," Joel said, "But we might be able to start tomorrow afternoon."
"On a Saturday?" You were clearly surprised by that.
"Yeah," he confirmed. "I got no plans. As long as my brother isn't doing anything either, we'll gladly get going on it while we're waiting for our next big project to begin."
They'd have two weeks. Plenty of time for them to get your whole house done. More than enough.
"Alright, then, I'll stay near a phone," you said before giving him your number. He used a pen to jot it down on a sticky note pad he kept nearby on a counter. "Goodnight, Joel, and thanks again."
"You're welcome," he said back, and he heard a click on the other end as you hung up your phone. He did the same with his.
"You're working tomorrow?" Sarah asked, disapprovingly.
"I got no plans," Joel argued. "Might as well help her out."
She blinked up at him curiously. "Who is she?"
"One of our new neighbors," he explained. "Denise recommended me and Tommy when she told her she needed someone to paint the inside of her house."
"That's nice of her," Sarah noted.
"It is," Joel agreed.
She let her eyes fall back down to the poster. "I'm almost done here. After can we watch a movie?"
He bent down to kiss her on the forehead and fondly tousled her dark, curly hair. "Sure thing, baby girl. Your pick."
It was probably going to be Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron again, but he didn't mind.
x
It turned out Tommy didn't have any plans the next day either so at one o' clock in the afternoon he met Joel at his house and they took the truck to gather supplies at their favorite hardware store before heading over to your house for two.
Joel knocked on the door, a step ahead of Tommy on the porch, and you opened it up a few moments later, a wide, friendly smile on your face, wanting to make them feel welcome. "Joel and Tommy?"
They both nodded. "Yes ma'am."
You moved aside so they could walk in and shut the door behind them. "Glad to meet you."
You raised your right hand to shake Joel's, just a little too high and a little too much to the left for a sighted person. You knew because you felt Joel gently grasp your hand and move it into a more comfortable position before shaking it.
You couldn't see it, but Joel and Tommy shared a glance, unsure.
"Are you...?" The younger Miller trailed off, not wanting to pry but unable to help himself. You felt him staring at your eyes with confusion, and you immediately knew why.
You nodded at him. "Yeah, it might not look like it, but I'm blind."
Many people not used to being around blind people without sunglasses on didn't know that many blind people had normal looking eyes like yours. You'd even had a few people claim you were faking it because they looked fine and you sometimes could pass as a sighted person to those who briefly interacted with you. You may have lost your sight, but you were a very capable person.
"That why you need us to paint?" Joel asked.
"I need you to paint because I have no experience doing it and I have a job just like everyone else," you answered patiently. Sometimes slighted people tested it, but there was no reason to get annoyed with either of them yet.
"What do you do?" Tommy inquired curiously.
"I'm an author. I write children's books."
You may have not been able to see his expression, but you still sensed his surprise. "Never heard of Helen Keller?"
"No, I have," Tommy stuttered.
Joel huffed at his idiot brother and turned back to you. "Where would you like us to start?"
"In the kitchen," you replied. "My parents and sister are visiting next weekend and I want to make sure the paint in the main rooms are all dry before they do."
You led them from your mudroom into the kitchen and your reddish brown Golden Retriever woofed at them once lowly before trotting loyally up to your side.
"Cute dog," Tommy noted. "Is he your service dog, or can I pet him?"
"Maple is my service dog," you stated, "But she's off duty and would probably love a pet."
You were glad he asked, even if it wasn't necessary in the house. Too many people tried petting Maple when out in public, even though she always had her vest on when she was guiding you. Some people just couldn't take a hint, or didn't care that they were distracting her from her job.
Tommy kneeled and patted his thighs to get Maple's attention. She darted up to him, happily accepting his affection as he scratched her behind the ears. "Hey, girl. Aren't you sweet?"
You glided a hand along the island in the center of the room so you moved a straight line as you passed it and stopped when you reached the end, picking up one of the paint cans you'd left there by the handle and flaunting it to him and Joel.
"This is the color I want in this room," you declared.
Joel took a few steps closer to examine the label on the bucket. "This is a bright lime green, you sure?"
You furrowed your eyebrows at his words. "Of course I am."
"It's just I've never seen anyone around here put a bright color like that on their walls," he explained. "I'm not trying to tell you what to do."
"I picked out all bright colors on purpose," you told him. "I can't see dark colors at all, but in certain lighting, like direct sunlight, I can see bright colors. It's really blurry, but I can still see those colors enough to like it. It's comforting."
You hadn't always been blind. You'd been born sighted, but a genetic disease had slowly taken your sight away and still was. Eventually you wouldn't be able to see bright colors either, but for the time being you could.
"Alright then." He backed off as Tommy stood up. "We'll get to work."
"If you have any questions, I'll be in my office down the hall," you informed them. "Writing."
"Sure thing," Joel said and you just knew he'd nodded out of habit at you. You hid a chuckle from him.
x
Joel and Tommy were good workers. Fast but competent and precise, just as Denise had promised you. In the week that followed, as they steadily painted your plain looking walls so they'd stand out, you all got to know each other a little more and more, a consequence of being in close quarters together, especially when they got busy painting your office while you were still in it.
You learned that Joel had a teen daughter at home, though he'd only turned thirty-six a couple months ago, and that Tommy was an Army veteran. Neither gave details on why he was already retired though. Maybe he'd been injured? You could only guess since you didn't know him enough to feel like you had the right to pry.
Since the Miller brothers were often at your home during lunch you started offering them a plate of whatever you were eating. Tacos, pasta, homemade fried chicken. They took some convincing, not wanting to make you spend extra money on them, but you assured them that it was fine, that it was all excess that would likely end up in the trash if they didn't help you out eating it all. So they ate at your dining table with you and you got to know them a little more.
Though Tommy was closer to your age, and they were both handsome sounding men, you felt yourself helplessly attracted to Joel and his gravelly voice. His attitude matched some of your personality as well. Quiet, observant, with a sarcastic sense of humor.
You found yourself dragging your laptop into whatever room they were working in so you could listen in on them, listen to Joel in particular, even though you typically hated people who eavesdropped. You couldn't help yourself, and if either of the brothers noticed, they didn't mention it. Maybe they liked your company too, you thought. A girl could dream.
x
It didn't take long for Joel to figure out you were someone special. Not because of what you'd gone through in life or because you were pretty, but because of the little things you did.
People in the South were known for being polite and kind neighbors, but that wasn't as standard as most outsiders thought, and you went above and beyond the standard measures when allowed to.
Like when Sarah knocked on the door Thursday after school offering some cookies to buy for the travel club she'd recently joined. They were going to New York in two years and she was determined to pay for it all by herself through the club's typical fundraising events. She was planning on getting a job in the summer too. When she'd explained why she was selling the cookies, you'd bought two dozen for fifty dollars without hesitance and invited her in to hang out while he and Tommy finished their day's work.
"Thanks so much," Sarah repeated as she sat down on a stool in the kitchen, not far from Joel, who was cleaning some brushes off in the sink. He easily heard everything you two were talking about.
"You can thank me by keeping about a dozen of those when they come in," you told her, also plopping onto a stool. "Anything more than twelve in my house and I'll get diabetes real early."
Sarah giggled. "Okay. I'll do that." She noticed Maple as she approached her water bowl for a few licks and beamed at her. "What a pretty dog. What's her name?"
"Maple," you replied. "She's my guide dog, but you can pet her. If she's out of harness, she's not working."
"Come here Maple!" Sarah exclaimed and the dog gleefully sprinted up to her. Sarah kissed her head and rubbed her body until Maple flopped over and offered her belly to her. Sarah giggled again and gave her what she wanted. "I love dogs," she told you.
"It runs in the family, apparently," you mused, probably thinking about how Tommy had reacted on the first day.
Joel himself had patted Maple a few times during the course of the week. His family had always been dog people, even when they couldn't afford dogs.
"Dad told me you're an author," Sarah said.
"He did?"
Joel felt your eyes on his back and heat flooded his face. He didn't want you thinking he gossiped about you behind your back or something like that. He wasn't that type of person.
"I write children's stories, so you probably haven't heard of any of them," you informed Sarah. "I have a series about a family of red foxes who have adventures together." You went on to give a few examples and Joel noticed his daughter listening intently, ever respectful.
"Sounds interesting," Sarah told her afterwards. "I probably would've loved your stories as a kid. Are foxes your favorite animal?"
"They are," you answered, nodding. "Red foxes in particular. They're just such elegant canines. And very clever. They may like chickens, but they tend to rather avoid people in most cases."
"Have you ever seen one in person?"
"Yes, I saw them all the time growing up," you replied. "Lived on a farm."
"Hence your mention of chickens."
You grinned. "Yeah. Foxes don't just like them in the cartoons."
"I can't blame them."
"Me neither."
Joel chuckled under his breath but didn't let it be known otherwise that he'd been listening in, getting back to work instead, leaving you two to continue your conversation without any prying ears.
He later found out when he got back home that you'd sent Sarah away with leftovers from that day's lunch to eat while she did her homework.
Of course you had.
x
By Friday night Joel and Tommy were almost finished your entire house, only needing to do a few finishing touches on the white borders in the otherwise bright yellow painted spare bedroom.
It was six o' clock and Tommy had to leave for a date, but Joel stuck around to finish the job.
"You don't have to stay," you said to him after his brother walked out the front door. "Go home and spend time with your daughter."
"We have plans to go hiking tomorrow," he told you. "But tonight she's with a friend and they're seeing a movie later. Won't be home until ten."
You nodded, not sure what to say to that. You didn't want him to work overtime just for you, but if he wanted to... "If you're sure."
"It's not a problem," he promised you. "Won't take more than another hour, if that."
He was finished in forty minutes, and was examining his work with a critical eye when you walked in to offer him a cup of lemonade. He accepted it gratefully.
"How does it look?" you asked him as he took a sip.
He grunted. "Bright. But the colors you picked turned out nicer than I expected. Do you want me to turn up the light brighter to see for yourself?"
"I can see the color in good lighting," you informed him, "But no matter how bright the light gets I'm not going to be able to see the trim. I'm going to have to trust you on that."
"You can," Joel said with a pause, "Trust me. With the trim, that is. There's no mistakes. We used tape to be sure."
You beamed at the way he was stumbling through his words, rambling. Something you figured wasn't in character for him, unless he was really nervous for some reason.
Would it be arrogant to think it was because of you and not your blindness?
It wasn't like you had men lining up to date you, but you were experienced enough to at least be able to tell when they were nervous because of your presence, whether that be because of your blindness or your looks.
You couldn't tell between those two reasons though. You were just hoping that after the past week Joel was used to being around a blind person.
You walked with him to your front door quietly, unsure of how to proceed, what was next, now that the project was over.
"Call me with the bill and I'll bring you a check Monday?" You heard Joel pick up the tool belt he'd left by the door earlier.
"Sure," he said quietly.
You reached out and grabbed onto his arm before he could open the door on instinct. You wanted to stop him and so you did. It was the first time you'd ever touched him. His arm was toasty warm and you could feel the outline of his bicep under your palm.
You could not see his eyes turn back to you, but you knew they had.
"Thanks for helping me out on short notice," you said in a rush.
"No need to thank me," he countered with a shrug. You dropped your hand back to your side as he continued, "We were between jobs. If anything, you helped us."
You smiled at his insistence. "We helped each other then. My family will see the place as I want them to see it, and you have a little more money to put into Sarah's college savings."
"How'd...?"
You rolled your eyes, but another smile played on your lips. "Any good father's got a savings for their kid, and you're one of the best."
"Sarah tell you that?"
"I don't always need spoken words to see something."
There was some silence after that. "I'd better get home," Joel said eventually, awkwardly.
You pursed your lips. "Didn't you say Sarah's only going to get home at ten?"
"Yeah, why?"
You weren't sure and would never be sure how you grew to be so bold, but that night you knew what you wanted and you weren't going to let him leave until he at least knew it too. "I want you to stay."
"Why? You got something else that needs to be done?" he inquired obliviously.
One thing was clear to you in that moment - Joel Miller hadn't been flirted with in a long time, or at least had been too busy to notice.
You stopped yourself from rolling your eyes at him again and instead placed a hand on the back of his neck.
"I want you," you whispered.
You felt him stiffen under your touch and the next thing you knew he was pressing his soft, plump lips against your own in a heated kiss. He pulled away moments later instead of deepening it, but it had gone on long enough to leave you breathing out heavier than you were before.
"Sorry," he apologized. "I shouldn't have done that without asking."
"I wanted you to," you told him, cupping his face and guiding it back to yours. His mouth opened and you slid your tongue in, sliding it alongside his as you let out a hungry moan. He tasted good.
His hands wandered slowly down the sides of your body, tracing the outline of it until he reached your hips and curled his fingers around them. "Is this alright, sweetheart?"
You nodded vigorously and leaned into him, desperately trying to deepen your shared kisses even more. He guided you to the nearest wall and pressed you up against it as he parted his mouth from yours to kiss down your face to your neck, nibbling over your pulse, and your eyes fluttered shut to focus on the sensation of his teeth scraping the sensitive skin there. "Joel," you mewled.
"You sure you want me?" he asked as he jerked away. "Shit, I don't have any condoms anyway."
"That's okay," you said quickly, afraid he was about to put a stop to what was happening. "I have an implant and I've been tested recently. I haven't been with anyone since. You?"
"Last test was years ago, but I ain't been with anyone since then either," he promised.
You believed him. He was so invested in earning money and raising his daughter right it didn't surprise you he hadn't taken any time to be romantic with anyone in a long time. The thought made you yearn for him even more. Nothing was more attractive to you than a man who put his family's needs before his own. Who'd do anything for them, no matter the cost.
You found his lips again and reached down to unbuckle his belt, but he shoved your hands away. "Not here," he murmured in your ear.
He led you down the hallway to your bedroom, kissing you as you went.
He reached to turn on the light in the dark room but you stopped him. He frowned. "That'll only allow me to see the blue painted walls," you explained. "I don't need that right now. Right now I just want to feel you. To see you."
He immediately understood, guiding your hand to his face and you moved your fingers over it to study him, to get an idea of the main features of his face, and he silently stood there and let you. His thick eyebrows, his long lashes, the laughter lines around his eyes, his sharply curved nose, his neatly trimmed beard, and those soft lips, now puffy from their interactions with your own - you realized he was even more handsome than you'd thought.
"Like what you feel?" he questioned a few beats after you lowered your hand to rest over his shoulders, like the other one was.
"Definitely," you answered. "But a pretty face isn't what's going to satisfy me."
He groaned softly and found your mouth again as you focused on taking off his belt, chucking it to a far side of the room with a clink of metal on hardwood as his hands slipped under your shirt.
"Can I take this off?" he asked.
"Only if I can unbutton yours first," you replied, fingers finding the top button of his flannel shirt.
He patiently waited as you worked on all the buttons then chucked the shirt and the one underneath away as your hands took to his broad chest. You only pulled away long enough to fulfill your end of the bargain, to help him remove your blouse.
He explored your mouth again, needy. You could feel the pent up tension underneath his skin, could feel the hardness of his bulge as he pressed you closer to him, his hands splayed widely on your lower back. He was near desperate for you.
You unbuttoned his jeans and slipped a hand into his boxers, running your hand over his length, giving it a squeeze and a pump. He lurched forward, into your touch with a loud grunt. "I can't take that," he panted as he stepped back. "Not tonight, honey."
The rest of your clothes swiftly found a place on the floor and you found yourself being pressed into your mattress by his body as he covered you and lit you on fire with the gentle touches of his rough hands.
Though he was clearly in need of you, he took his time with you, kissing down your neck and chest, sucking on and swirling his tongue around both your nipples, nibbling the skin over your belly, trying to draw out as many gasps from you as he could. He got a lot. The feeling of his mouth on you, his body over you, it was almost satisfying enough. Almost.
"Now, Joel," you begged.
You felt one of his hands make its way between your legs to gently spread them apart, to slip his fingers through your folds, and he pulled them back almost immediately, to examine them. "Damn, honey, you're already soaked."
"Been thinking about this for a while," you explained. It had been a long week.
"Won't make you wait longer then," he told you, and you felt his left hand go to the outside of your thigh as he guided himself slowly into you with his right one. He was thick, but not unbearably so, and you threw your head back onto your pillow as he perfectly filled you up, clutching at the sheets underneath you at the same time.
He held himself above you as he began to slowly pump into you, making sure you felt every ridge and vein of his cock as he dragged it along inside your heat, and you wrapped your arms around his impressive shoulders, tugging his head down to kiss him between the soft gasps you released every time he pushed back into you.
He built you up like a man with all the time in the world, taking every opportunity to caress you and taste your salty skin. And while you couldn't see anything in the dim room, you could feel his intense gaze as you chanted his name breathlessly.
"You're so pretty, sweetheart," he rasped into your ear. "Especially like this. Making those sounds. Saying my name like that. Need to feel you come."
He lifted one of your legs up, draping it over his elbow, and the new angle had you breaking apart with a loud moan, colors bursting behind your eyes as you convulsed around him. It was the best climax you'd had in a long time.
Joel continued to seek his own pleasure through your high, grinding into you a little harder every time he buried himself to the hilt, inadvertently prolonging it, not that you minded in the slightest. You kissed and nipped at his jawline and murmured to him as you tried to focus on the feel of him moving inside you. "Let go, Joel. I wanna feel it. Want you to feel this good too."
He gave you a few quick bucks before his body finally seized up and you felt him pulsing as he emptied himself inside you, as he gritted out your name and buried his face into your chest. When he did, you ran your hands up and down his spine as you smiled up at the ceiling, soaking in the moment.
You'd had some daydreams about what this would be like, but it had turned out even better, not that you were surprised.
Once he'd gone soft, Joel separated himself from you, rolling onto his back with a satisfied sigh, and you rolled onto your side to face him.
"This feels backwards," he said quietly after noticing and turning to face you too. "But would you like to go out on a date with me next weekend?”
You laughed. “Yes, I’d love to.”
“Good,” he said swiftly. “Cause I don’t want to leave this here.”
"Me neither.”
"I shoulda taken you out first, though.”
"I'm the one who started it," you argued as he reached out and rubbed your cheek with a thumb. You leaned into his touch, enjoying the sweet, unassuming affection.
"That is true." You were cupping his cheek with your left hand so you felt it when the edges of his mouth tugged back into a grin.
"I don't have any regrets," you told him. "You?"
"I'd be crazy to say I do, sweetheart," Joel replied. "It would be more than a little white lie. I haven't thought about being with someone like this in a long time, almost forgot why I like it so much. You've really jogged my memory."
You snorted at that and draped an arm over his chest. "Can you stay for a while?"
"Still got a few hours before that movie ends," Joel said, pulling you even closer. "I could use a nap if you set an alarm."
"Gladly," you told him, reaching over to the nightstand for your alarm. After you were finished with the task, he dragged you back into his embrace and you both fell asleep just like that, in the comfort of each other’s warmth.
It was the first of many nights that would end that way for you both.
xxx
Tagged: @harriedandharassed
xxx
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The Tragedy 
Jamya O.
School had just finished and summer had just begun and I had just been released from school. Hi, my name is Julia. I'm a junior and I attend west south high school. I'm 17. I am very friendly and I love talking to new people. My parents are going out of town for 3-4 weeks for a vacation or what not so that means they are leaving the house to me. That's a lot of trust for a 17-year-old but sure they have no reason not to trust me “hehe.”
I'm not sure why they decided to leave the house to me in this terrible neighborhood but hey i'll survive right? What could go wrong? I have a younger brother whose name is Juan. He is 15 he doesn't really like people we are the complete opposite of eachother. Before my parents left they left us money, of course the chores and food and just some extra things they thought we might need. They told us to call every day after we woke up and before we went to sleep. The first day of them being gone me and Juan literally had nothing to do. It was June 6th of 2026. We stayed home the first day alone. It was so hot. There wasn't really much to do because we hadn't planned anything. But the next day Juan asked to go to this carnival. At first I was unsure because it’s a big area a few blocks down from our house on booker street and it’s just us but I ended up agreeing to it. The next day we went to the carnival. It was very fun. They had this slingshot that people were scared to get on. I ended up getting caught in the moment and started staring into space looking at how happy all the kids were running around with face paint on their faces and cotton candy in their hands with the sun shining and all the smiles and laughs and soft voices. I started missing being a child not battling my thoughts and wanting to hurt myself but enough of that. Juan was excited and kept wandering off to get on every ride that he could. I needed to use the restroom but I did not want him standing there waiting for me so I told him to wait at the ride we were at until I finished. It didn't take very long for me to use the restroom but it was very crowded and the smell wasn't pleasant which made me move faster… 
When I got from the restroom I immediately tried to spot Juan but I couldn't find him so I looked around a bit before I started to panic. I found him waiting to get on the slingshot. No one wanted to go with him  so I was convinced to go when I sat down and my heart started racing. After the staff member buckled my seat belt I knew there was no going back. He did a countdown 1…2…3. We shot in the air with no questions asked. I was literally gasping for air about to die, at that moment I thought we were finished. It went back up and went upside down and made me scared for my life. After that was done it began getting late we walked about home. After today we challenged ourselves to stay home for a week for quality time since im always busy with school and my job. We made sure we had everything. The only reason to go outside was for mail and emptying the trash. As the week went by everything was fine and it was almost over. Me and Juan played board games, roblox and watched movies together but the night before the week was over Juan said, “Hey Sis, there is this new place opening up called Rilo’s Robots can we visit?” 
Of course I couldn't say no so I agreed. Nowadays robots are really popular. People are spending thousands of bucks on them and making them household items. They even have one that cooks and clean, just imagine how long it took to actually get it functioning. The day had come and I myself was excited and so was Juan. As we entered there were many people and I couldn't wait. 
As the man came onto the mic he said, “Hello everyone thank you all for showing up and being supportive to the opening of my business. I have worked really hard and I hope you all enjoy it.” Everyone claps their hands. There were about 25 of the same robots who people could use and test out. I'm not sure what happened but about 30 minutes in of everyone exploring the light suddenly shut off. Juan got scared and gripped onto my arm. I tried my hardest to comfort him but I was scared as well. The owner came onto the mic again and said, “Sorry for the malfunction, our robots actually control the building as well.” Everyone gasped including me. He then said, “Please be patient while we try to fix this problem everyone who is touching a robot please remove your hands.” Everyone started to get scared then we all heard the owner shout, “OH GOD NO PLEASE!” Everyone began to get really concerned and scared. Rilo the owner then tried to call 911 but the master robot that was being displayed laser burned his phone. The lights came back on but the doors seemingly got shut completely and could only be disabled by the master robot everyone was calling someone for help. 
I tried calling mom and dad but it went to voicemail. In my head I said to myself, “This was dumb why’d I agree to this, why would he even have the building under the robots control endangering all of us?” About 15 minutes later the police were finally able to get it open but as everyone was running out they started grabbing people for statements on what happened. They almost grabbed Juan but I pulled him before they could. The robots were behind us and started multiplying themselves which seemed to almost sound impossible but I saw it. Me and Juan hurried and ran home closed and locked all windows and door also the curtains we turned on the news to see what was going on the outside world got damaged so fast it looked completely different then before when we were outside people were banging on our door for help and shelter but Juan and I were to scared knowing that the robot was behind them the police had no control and everyone was tweeting how they were gonna sue Rilo for endangering everyone and their children. The news reporter was dumb enough to go outside to do daily news and she got killed on the scene everyone was  terrified, me and Juan looking out the window nothing looked the same compared to how it looked 4 hours ago everything was damaged and it was getting dark and me and Juan was safe so that’s all that mattered we survived. 
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lifeworksstudios · 2 years ago
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Did you know not all photographers can shoot in low light?
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Best wedding photographers in Gurgaon Perhaps one of the most daunting tasks of planning a wedding (sometimes even more than picking your partner!) is
choosing a photographer. That single-most-important person will be capturing the madness, the joy, and the thrill of one of the most important days of your life. This blog will guide you to choose The Best Wedding Photographers In India in 2022.
So how will you pick this photographer from the infinite options which are bound to pop up in your search engines? How do you trust him or her to crystallize these precious moments of your life? And how do you manage to procure these perfect frames without being broke for the rest of the year?
If you are getting married soon, we know that when it comes to wedding photography in India these are the kind of dilemmas gnawing at your brain. Yes, it’s easy to get helplessly overwhelmed and then make a hasty, last-minute decision just so you can tick it off your ever-growing wedding to-do list.
The good news is that you don’t have to.
Here at Weddings by Lifeworks, we decided to give you an insider’s guide to choosing the perfect wedding photographer – without losing your mind. These 10 easy actionable steps which have been compiled after arduous discussions with our in-house team and top experts from the industry is all you need to drive those photography blues away.
So scroll down to find your ‘soul-photographer’ (yes, that’s a thing!) so that you can look forward to being clicked on your big day!
Your Day, Your Style
Destination wedding photographer  While it’s easy to pick the photographer who did a fabulous job for your best friend’s wedding, it can also prove as a complete disaster for you. That’s because your best friend’s wedding was captured in the style he or she wanted which can be completely different from your aesthetic sensibilities. Most wedding photographers have a niche style in which they best capture a wedding. Believing that they can recreate the same magic for any style will most likely result in some unpleasant surprises.
Assume you are a newbie to the world of wedding photography some of the popular styles today are photojournalism, contemporary wedding photography, and old-school studio photography. If you are still feeling quite lost begin with picking wedding photographs you really love and getting to know which styles they were shot in.
Pro Tip: Your monetary budget finds its base in the style you choose.
2. Putting Down The Big-Bucks
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Wedding photographers in Delhi  When you are looking to buy leather boots then you would know that by the virtue of the craft required to make them they demand a higher base budget than your regular canvas shoes.
Similarly, the budget for your wedding photographer in India will depend on the skill and resources required for the photography style you prefer.
So start by scanning the market prices for the style of wedding photography you and your partner have finalized on. Also, keep an eye out for the range of quality provided in each style – this will depend on the time a photographer invests in his work (pre & post-shoot), the inventory of his equipment, and his experience in the field. These become the markers of different rates within a particular style of photography.  Once you have completed your style-specific research you are ready to put down a budget that suits you best and it even realistic for your potential photographers!
Pro Tip: There is no point in spending time and energy on photographers that you won’t be able to afford.
Photographs v/s Albums
It’s easy to lure clients with a compilation of your best photographs taken from different weddings. Though if you really want to know the true worth of your photographer request at least two-three of his or her complete albums. This way you can analyze whether or not the photographer is genuinely good at telling long visual narratives or can only manage a few great Facebook display pictures.
Going through albums can also help you determine the strength and weaknesses of your photographer. For example, a photographer might bring out stunning pictures when working with natural light. However, if you are getting married in a dimly lit hall and he has nothing to show for that, he’s definitely not your guy.
Pro Tip: Yes, your eyes might go numb from looking at album after album but trust us, it’s worth the ordeal.
Befriending Your Photographer
Pre-wedding photographers in Delhi NCR  It is absolutely fine to just want a professional relationship with your photographer but it helps to know him or her personally too. Why? You will be spending most of your time with him on your BIG day, so it’s good to have someone who won’t make you want to disappear or better still you actually like having around.
So have an in-person meeting with your photographer before you decide to hire them. This can also become a space for you to have all your unanswered queries regarding his services (don’t forget to make that list of questions) and also put forward your own aesthetic expectations. Unlike virtual correspondences, this not only saves time but also keeps you away from being disappointed with your photographs at a later stage.
Pro Tip: Don’t panic if your photographer doesn’t binge-watch the same Netflix series as you do. He doesn’t have to be your BFF. Just someone who gains your trust with their work and personality.
So Who Is Shooting Anway?
As Murphy’s law – “whatever can go wrong, will go wrong” proves to be painfully true in most situations, don’t think it will make an exception for your big day. Just be prepared. Not only make sure that the photographer you interviewed will be the one taking the bride and groom’s photographs but also that your contract mentions a backup shooter, in case something were to happen to your main photographer.
Also, even if you are subject to obtuse reasoning by family, do not hire separate teams, i.e. – one for the bride and one for the groom. Use those resources to hire one exceptional photography team. Unless you want to end up with mediocre photographs where each team gets in each other’s way and even your frame!
Pro Tip: If you are confused about the ideal strength of your wedding photography team, contact Lifeworks Studios for a free consultation! 
Beware Of The ‘Weekend Photographer’
Professional offbeat wedding photographers in Delhi  Photography can be a tricky terrain to manage when you are earning a living out of it and so many turn to weddings when the cash flow is running dry. Though these “weekend photographers” might have delivered some great work in the past, seasoned photographers still have an edge over them. For example, in dire situations, they have better backup equipment and storage solutions which might become a crisis situation for photographers who occasionally venture into the wedding field. Also, full-time wedding photographers are more likely to offer you a far wider range of additional services and diverse package choices as compared to a weekend photographer.
Pro Tip: Seasoned and full-time wedding photographers are less likely to be solely driven by monetary gains and thus are more dedicated to their art.   
Bringing Home The Best Package
Along with shooting time, a photographer offers various other services in his packages like albums, special effects, retouching options, and additional shooting of your engagement, after-party, or even your pre-wedding shoot. Get the final quotes for an all-inclusive package that suits you best and compare it to the packages of the other photographers you have shortlisted.
Pro Tip: Make sure you double-check the coverage time mentioned in your package. You want those photographs right from the time when you begin to get ready for the big day until your final exit from the ceremony!
Post-Production Meets Patience
Destination wedding photographers in Delhi  Yes, we know you’re anticipating the clicks from your big day but it usually takes a month before you will receive the final photographs. This is because your photographer is shooting enormous raw files far bigger than a typical JPG. While this gives him or her greater ability to correct the photo it also slows down the process of uploading, processing, and editing them.
Each photographer will also have his or her own post-production style of working. Make sure you ask them about the resolution at which you will be receiving the files, the number of images you can expect, and what is their process of retouching images.
Pro Tip: Do not ask your photographer for RAW images. Unless you want to burden yourself with gigabytes you could do without and spend eons trying to edit the photos.
Reviews And Recommendations To The Rescue
Still, feeling indecisive after following all the above-mentioned tips,? don’t fret. We understand it’s your big day and you are aiming for nothing less than perfection. So let reviews, recommendations, and testimonials by ex-clients help you pick the photographers you have shortlisted.
Pro Tip: People with past experience with a photographer may be able to give you a perspective you might have missed.
Best destination wedding photographers in Gurgaon Our thorough guide and pro-tips are designed to ensure a stress-free road to finding your perfect wedding photographer. Don’t hold back when it comes to investing time, patience, and resources for the photographer you want. At Lifeworks Studios, we believe that those first gleeful looks,  affectionate gestures, and wild laughs on your wedding day mark the beginning of the special moments you will make with your partner.
Years later when memory might fail you these photographs will be all you will have, of the young couple you once were and perhaps wish to be again.
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torontosbabystore · 2 years ago
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Baby Furniture
If you're out shopping for baby furniture and don't want to spend a fortune, look around at the major retailers and order from them if you can. There are usually coupons available that may save you big bucks.
The demand for baby furniture is increasing every year. Our simple and easy to assemble pieces bring the comfort of your child's favorite soft toy into the nursery.
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Strollers Stroller Accessories Carseats Carseat Accessories Carriers & Wraps Diaper Bags & Accessories Travel Beds Travel Highchairs & Feeding Seasonal
You and your new bundle of joy will flip out over this super soft grey infant mattress. This is the only one that gets used in our house, which means it has been through years of abuse, making it pretty old and beat up.
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bludhavents · 3 years ago
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things that each greaser struggles with:
these are mostly headcanons i came up with. also, this gets pretty angsty.
content warning: alcoholism, addiction, anxiety.
darry:
- maturity. he thinks everybody looks at him like the “dad” of the group instead of just another friend, and he loathes it. he misses whenever he was able to skip work to catch a movie at the drive-in or take ponyboy and sodapop up to the dingo for lunch.
- accidental intimidation. his build is very large and strong, which is good for his job and for when he’s actually trying to, well, intimidate people, but other than that it just makes him feel guilty for being so unapproachable.
- relationships. specifically, darry is very insecure in his relationship with pony. he especially hates it whenever pony dogs on him for forgetting things or accusing him of not caring.
- emotional intelligence. he knows he comes across as cold. and he hates it. he has lots of emotions and he doesn’t air them out in a healthy way, so he tries his best to cut all the emotions off altogether in hopes that the negativity will stop, but it just makes him feel even more insecure.
- social skills. in high school, it was all much easier for him, but now that he’s working full-time and running the household, he’s fallen majorly behind in the social scene. he never goes out to the drive-in or to the dingo, and at first it was because he was too busy, but now, even if he doesn’t have a shift, he’ll make up some excuse because he’s too nervous to go and have to talk to people again since he feels like he’s gonna mess up.
- identity. darry was just starting to feel comfortable in himself and in his role in the world right before his parents died, and when they did, he stopped trying to figure out what made him happy. it has made him insecure of the emotional stint that is centered around his ego and sense of self.
sodapop:
- smarts. it’s canon that he’s insecure about this.
- growing up. while everybody else moves on to new things and grows up, he feels like he’s stuck in the same place watching everybody else progress while he stays behind. this was especially true after sandy left, because marrying her was going to be this huge exciting step in his life and when she left, he didn’t have that fulfillment anymore.
- reassurance. he feels a constant need for approval, and he will take it wherever he can get it. there’s a sort of pride he gets whenever he sees a girl checking him out, but there’s a deeper feeling telling him that she’s gonna run away once she finds out about how ‘stupid’ he is.
- authority. soda has a really hard time talking to people who are in a position of power. he gets all nervous and his hands get sweaty and his face goes sheet white in panic. his charm and social skill is enough to satisfy a conversation with a person his age, but he feels silly trying to be confident in front of an adult. he feels like they look down on him and will laugh.
- fatherhood. he’s very insecure about having a family in the future. he feels like he never appreciated his dad’s skilled parenting while he could, and since then darry has been a sort of fatherly figure in the house, but it’s hard for soda to see it that way. he grew up for 16 years with darry as a big brother and for him to suddenly be forced into a father role is troubling for soda. because of this complicated dynamic between soda and fatherhood, he feels like he won’t be able to be the best father possible for his children.
- legs. he hates his legs. you will never see soda in a pair of shorts, not even when he’s swimming. he doesn’t like the way they’re shaped and thinks that they make the rest of his body look odd, so he wears loose jeans to hide them. he’s also embarrassed of being embarrassed about them, so nobody knows, not even steve.
dallas:
- emotional intelligence. his lack of emotional intelligence is something he battles with a lot. he understands what people are feeling, but he has a hard time understanding why they feel that way. he says it’s because he’s too tuff to deal with emotions, but deep down he knows it’s because he was thrust into a traumatic childhood so early on that he never had time to build emotional bonds with people that would strengthen his empathy and understanding.
- his past, another canon take. he hates talking about it, even the good stuff, because when he thinks about new york all he can picture is 10 year old dallas watching a man being covered in a white sheet by the paramedics on the side of the road. he thinks about his friends from there and knows they’re all either locked up or dead, and it ruins any enjoyment he gets from reminiscing on the good times.
- health. he definitely has crohn’s or IBS or something else that makes his stomach hurt whenever he eats, and it embarrasses him to no end. he’s always anxious that his stomach is going to start hurting when he’s with the gang and is going to have to find some excuse to leave. he smokes so much while he’s out with them to keep from getting hungry until he gets back to buck’s place.
- his friendships. the shepherd gang is close-knit. then, the curtis’ are brothers, steve has known them forever, and two-bit is outgoing enough to make himself fit in to the group. johnny is the closest person dallas relates to, and it’s the friendship hes the most secure in.
- his smile. he knows smoking ruins his teeth, and he knows they’re crooked all over, and he knows that when he smiles his lips crack and stretch out.
johnny:
- his appearance, canon insecurity. he looks young for his age, and when the gang found him in the lot after he was beaten by Socs, they all started treating him like he was young too. he didn’t think the scar on his face was tuff, it just reminded him of being attacked.
- his voice. this is less about how it sounds and more about him not being able to speak over the shouting at home. he hates yelling, and he won’t stand in to speak up for him cause he’s too afraid of being told to “stop yelling”.
- being average. johnny feels painfully average in everything he does. he’s tried to find a skill that he truly loves and wants to take time to be good at, but he always gets frustrated and quits before he can improve.
- romance. almost every aspect of it terrifies johnny. he doesn’t know what a healthy marriage looks like, what he does know was from Mr and Mrs Curtis, but seeing them die together warped his sense of love. he doesn’t understand why you would want to love somebody so much if you didn’t have to. he doesn’t like the “til death do us part” aspect of marriage, because it makes him feel trapped. he’s not afraid of commitment, he’s afraid that he will end up in a marriage like his parents’ and not be able to leave.
two-bit:
- alcoholism. he’s an alcoholic and he knows it, but he’s been stuck in the vicious cycle of addiction for such a long time that the only way he knows how to cope with the emotional baggage of addiction is to drink more.
- social awareness. as of now, he’s very self-aware and extremely skilled in reading a room, but he didn’t used to be. he used to crack jokes at the wrong time and get scolded for it, and it made him feel horrible. like he wasn’t able to experience all the same sad feelings as everybody else because they reacted differently to the sadness than he did. they wanted to process the sadness while he wanted to ignore it.
- being absent at home. he knows he spends the majority of time at the curtis house, and he also knows that his mother spends the majority of her time at work, which leaves his little sister at home alone. he has a good relationship with her, but he doesn’t like for her to see him drunk, and as his alcoholism progresses, that gets to be more and more often. he knows this, and it’s one of the main reasons he’s so insecure about his addiction, because she’s the one who let him know that it wasn’t a one-way street. his problem affected him and her.
- commitment. two-bit is young, but he feels old enough to know how relationships work. he saw his dad walk out on them, and he was never able to process how you could go from marrying someone to leaving and never looking back. at first, he thought that his dad was just a selfish jerk, but when he met johnny and saw that his parents were also married and simultaneously abusive, he convinced himself that all marriages were bound to end up that way. he believes that if the curtis’ lived longer, they would have eventually gotten bitter and tired of each other, because in his mind, that’s just what couples do.
ponyboy:
- confidence. he has a lot of insecurities, and they’re shared pretty evenly between physical and non physical. he doesn’t like his body or his eyes. he doesn’t like how impulsive and dramatic he is.
- security. not in himself, but in life. he’s permanently on edge, feeling anxious about who’s going to be around the corner and what would happen if he got jumped and how many Socs he’d be able to fight off in case anything happened. his parents’ sudden deaths did not help this. he feels like life is constantly tossing him around, and he never feels completely safe.
- emotional outbursts. this isn’t exclusive to ponyboy, but he struggles with it the most. he hates getting upset with people, and he hates hurting other people’s feelings. when he’s feeling too many things, he starts to speak without a filter and gets mad at the littlest things, and he knows that it makes everybody around him feel bad.
- fitting in. in contrast to johnny’s insecurity, ponyboy wants nothing more than to fit in. he’s tired of being the only greaser in his classes, he’s tired of his isolated taste in movies and theatre, he’s tired of being a track star, and he’s tired of all the pressure put on him since he isn’t average.
steve
- masculinity. his dad always enforces an unrealistic standard of being strong, independent, and logical. steve is inherently all of these things, but the pressure he feels to keep it up weighs him down.
- comparing himself to others. it started in middle school when he noticed all of the people liked sodapop more. from then on he couldn’t help but feel like soda was more attractive and charming, darry was stronger and smarter, two-bit was funnier and cooler, dallas was tougher and unbothered, johnny was more likeable and down-to-earth, and ponyboy was more creative and well spoken.
- addiction. there was a time in steve’s life where he was getting high every day. at first it was fun, but then he had to quit track because he wasn’t as athletic as he used to be. it ruined his health and motivation. he started working on cars more to keep himself busy, and it helped a lot, even got him a job.
- hyperindependence. steve’s biggest character flaw is that he can’t ask for help. whether it’s asking for help in school or asking for soda to hand him a tool in the garage, steve can’t bring himself to do ask. it makes him feel like he’s not good enough to do it on his own.
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marvelcriminalhoe · 3 years ago
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Sweet Home Georgia Peach
Sweet Home Alabama AU! Steve Rogers x Reader
Chapter 5
Uncomfortable Reunions
Word Count: 2,077
Series Masterlist
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You’re in Steve’s kitchen, waiting for him to come home. When you hear the door open and Captain run in - in front of him, you smirk to yourself.
Show time.
“Where the hell did this come from?” You hear Steve say in the dining room, where the new table is.
You make your way to the pantry, wrapping the apron around you. You hear him open the new fridge, repeating the phrase he said about the table, “What the hell?”
“Well hello, darlin’.” You walk in with a big fake smile, “What are you thinkin’ about dinner tonight? Pork chops? Lasagna?”
“What the hell?” He looks over to you, “What are you doing here? Where did this stuff come from.”
“Well you want a wife, here I am.” You put your hands your hips, “Spending your money and nagging you.”
“You spent my money?” Steve’s eyebrows raise.
“What’s mine is yours honeybun.” You say innocently, really playing up your accent, “Isn’t that what you said? When you were making out joint account?”
“Joint account.” Steve’s eyes widen, connecting the dots. Soon he’s glaring at you, “Seriously?”
You shrug, “Just trying to make this a home. That is a wife’s duty.”
Steve looks around at everything you’ve bought. He smiles smugly at you, “Well thanks darlin. I might actually keep it like this.”
… that’s not what you expected.
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Walking through the doors of the old bar, you’re immediately hit with nostalgia. You had stormed out of Steve’s house after your plan didn’t work. You spent the majority of your days at this bar growing up, helping out by delivering drinks. Playing pool with the boys at one of the tables. Sneaking shots of tequila to your friends when the boss wasn't looking. Dancing and singing on the dance floor.
“Look who finally decided to come see me.” You hear from behind you, making you spin around, “If it isn’t my favorite daughter in law.” You laugh, letting the woman pull you into a hug, “Hi Sarah.”
“Hi doll.” She smiles at you as she lets you go.
“And I’m your ex-daughter in law.” You remind her.
“Not from what I’m hearing.” She shrugs making her way behind the bar, wiping off the counter, “Some might say we’re still family.”
You roll your eyes at her antics, “Not if your son would stop being so stubborn and sign the damn papers.”
She smirks, looking up at you, “And here I thought you fell in love his stubbornness.” You huff, sitting down on one of the bar stools, “I’m serious, Sarah.” “Me too.” She sends you a pointed look, going back to cleaning. You watch her for a few moments, more memories making there way through.
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“Steve!” You laugh, trying to push his hands away, “You’re gonna get me in trouble.”
“Oh, come on, darlin’.” He laughs, grabbing you around your waist and pulling your back to his chest, resting his chin on your shoulder, “How am I supposed to beat Buck if my good luck charms not by my side?” You roll your eyes, prying his hands off you, “Honey, you beat Buck every time you play. I’m trying to work here.”
“You know my Ma doesn't care if you slack off a little.” He tries to reach for you again.
“But I care.” You send him a pointed look, “Your Ma doesn't need to be carrying all those drinks by her lonesome.”
He sighs, defeated, but sends you a loving look, “Alright.”
You lean up, kissing his cheek before turning around to get back to work.
Buck makes a fake gagging sound as the blonde still hasn't taken his eyes off you. Steve rolls his eyes, turning to his friend, “Grow up.” “Ya’ll are so in love it makes me sick.” The brunette shakes his head, “You would think after being together so long you would get sick of one another.”
Steve laughs, “I wont ever get sick of that girl.” He shakes his head, looking back at you as you laugh at one of the customers jokes.
He looks backs to his friend, clapping his hands together, “You ready to lose again?”
“I’m gonna win this time.” Bucky shakes his head, “I feel it.”
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“Sarah, I got those muffins you were askin’ fo—“ A voice from the door has you turning around. The red head stops talking, eyes going wide at seeing you sitting there.
Neither of you say anything, but after a few shocked seconds, the basket she’s carrying hits the floor and your tackled into a firm hug, “Oh my god I can’t believe you’re actually back. I thought for sure Sam was lying, just pulling one over us. But then Clint said something and I thought, ‘huh, he’s in on it to?’ But here you are.” All you can do is nod, still not really sure what to say. The still tiny as ever girl pulls back, smiling so wide your sure her face hurts, “It’s so good to see you, peaches.” “Yeah.” You try to smile, “You too, Wanda.” It’s different for you seeing her than it was to see Clint and Sam. You expected, after you left, to lose contact with the guys, but you never thought you would lose Wanda and Nat. You didn’t think they would choose Steve’s side too.
Wanda must notice your hesitancy to her, stepping back just a bit, smile faltering a little, “It’s— it’s been a long time.”
“Yeah.” You nod, “I’m just uh— here to see my folks and get some stuff done.” “Right, right.” She nods, “The divorce. Man, I can’t believe you two are still married.” Thankfully, Sarah walks back in from the back room, spotting Wanda and getting rid of the uncomfortable tension, “Oh, Wanda. Did you bring those muffins?” The redhead smiles at her, turning to grab the basket on the floor, “Yes, ma’am. Specially baked this morning for ya.” “Thank you dear.” Sarah takes it from her, smiling sweetly and leaving you two alone again.
Wanda turns to you, closed lipped smile on her face, “Uh, you gonna be here tonight? The gang comes on Fridays to play pool. We still do those dancing Saturday nights too. Whole gang still comes out every weekend to shoot pool and enjoy the music.”
“I’m here until this is over with, so, I’m sure I’ll see you there.” You nod.
“Right. Of course.” Her joy from earlier dwindling, “Well, uh, I gotta get back to the shop. I own the bakery in town now.” “That’s great, Wanda.” You tell her truthfully, “I’m sure you do a wonderful job. Your baking was always the best.” “You should come by and check it out while you’re here.” She tells you.
“Maybe, yeah.” You nod, “If I have time.” Wanda just nods, staring at you for a few more seconds before you both say goodbye, leaving out the door with a wave. You really hope you can leave this town without anymore uncomfortable reunions. But you know luck is not in your favor.
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And you were right, luck was not on your side. The bar is packed with town folks, all of which have come to greet you when you’re spotted. You smile politely to all of them, entertain them with what you’ve been up to in New York. You excuse yourself from Mrs.Garrison when you notice a tall blonde man at one of the pool tables.
He’s surrounded by your friends, well, just his friends now, all of them laughing as they sip on their beers. When Sam spots you making your way over, he quickly gesture to everyone else, the laughing coming to an end, adding to the already unease in the air.
Sam, Clint, and Wanda, at least send you friendly smiles. Steve doesn't even look your way, keeping his gaze on the ground, as Bucky and Nat look at you with indifference.
“What do you want?” Nat questions as she studies you.
You nod over to Steve, “For him to sign the papers so I can leave.” Bucky scoffs, “You just got to town and you’re already dyin’ to leave? Guess you are good at that, though, huh.”
“Bucky.” You think Sam, reprimands him. You send a glare to the brunette, “This doesn't really concern you, Buck.” He stands up, a glare of his own on his face, “Only my friends can use that nickname, and we ain’t friends darlin’.”
You roll your eyes, ignoring the pang of hurt that shoots through you at that. Technically, he’s not wrong. you haven't seen or talked to him in 7 years, so, no, you aren't friends. But you used to be.
“Trust me, James, I’m well aware.” You snap, you look over to Steve who hasn't said a word yet, just watching the interaction.
“You really want to do this here?” Steve finally says something, “In a bar?” “Well I tried to do it last night, but you were more concerned with getting me in handcuffs.” You retort.
That earns a snort from Sam and Clint, the latter of which mumbles, “Kinky.”
Steve smiles wide, but it’s not real, “Well call it even, since you took all my money.”
You shrug, “What’s yours is mine. Right, darlin’?”
Steve just stares at you as Clint and Sam try to keep themselves from laughing, enjoying the show too much.
Bucky scoffs again, “What, leavin’ him not enough you gotta take his money too?” “He can have his money back when he signs the damn papers.” You shrug.
“Thats extortion.” Steve shakes his head.
You gesture over to Sam, “Sheriffs right there if you wanna complain about it.”
Steve looks over to Sam with his hands on his hips, the darker man pointing to the blonde, “No way, man. You handle this shit on your own.” Steve pinches the bridge of his nose, looking back to you, “Fine, keep the money, or spend it on more things for my house.” “I don’t want the money, Steven.” You throw your hands up, “I want to go home!” “Nobody’s stoppin’ you from leavin’!” He raises his voice, drawn attention to the two of you, “We all know being married didn’t stop you before, ain’t no way it’s stoping you now.”
“You are!” You point, “Your stubborn ass is.”
“You’re the one that left! Why should I have to do anything for you, huh?” Steve glares.
“You told me to leave!” You yell back.
“You what?” Wanda questions softly. Everyone looks to Steve, waiting for him say something, to deny the claim.
“You told me to leave, so I left.” You continue, not noticing the wide eyed looks from your former friends, or the fact the whole bar is now silent, listening to you and Steve air out all your dirty laundry,“I left, and I made something of myself. And now, now I have a man that wants to marry me, but I can’t do that because I’m still married to you. To the man who told me to leave. So please, sign the damn papers Steven! Then, I can leave this god forsaken town for good and we’ll never have to see each other again.”
“You’re engaged?” Sam questions with a whisper. He’s staring at you, a mixture of vexation and hurt on his face.
“Maybe y'all should do this some other time, when there isn’t a crowd watchin’.” Clint stands up, reaching out for you. Your chest heaving up and down as your anger leaves you. The bar is quiet, everyone waiting to see what will happen next. Clint gently grabs hold of your arm, “Come on, Peaches. I’ll take you home. You don’t want to do this here.”
As Clint takes you outside, Nat looks around the bar, “Shows over, folks! Go back to mindin’ your damn business.” Bucky steps up to Steve, laying a hand on his shoulder, “You good, pal?” Steve just shakes his hand off, stalking towards the back door and going outside.
Clint comes back in, a question in his eyes as he notices the missing blonde. Nat nods to where he left, “Outside.” Clint nods, looking around at his remaining friends. He turns to Bucky, “Did you know he told her to leave?” The brunette just shakes his head.
Wanda has sorrowful look on her face, her voice soft and low, “I thought she left on her own.”
“We don’t know she didn’t.” Bucky tells her.
Sam scoffs, “He didn’t correct her, did he?” He gestures to where the blonde man was standing moments ago, “He just stood there, not denying her claim.” Clint sighs, “Does anyone know what exactly went down between them?”
All of them shake their heads, no one knowing the truth.
“All he said that day was that she left him.” Bucky sits down, exhaling deeply, “I mean, we all saw him after. How distraught and devastated he was. That man was shattered.” “There has to be more to the story.” Nat shakes her head, “I mean, if it was just a fight, she wouldn't have left like that. Right?” “I thought she would come back.” Sam shrugs, “But after a few weeks, I realized she really left for good. I didn’t know what happened between them and I didn’t ask cause I was just worried about Steve. He was so distraught, walking around like a zombie.” “I didn’t talk to her.” Wanda says sadly, “I thought she left on her own accord, and I was angry that she could have done that to Steve, that she could break his heart like that, so I didn’t talk to her. Didn’t reach out. I thought she was the bad guy.” “Me too.” Nat nods, downcast.
“We don’t know that she’s not.” Buck retorts, but its pitiful.
Clint glares at him, “Give it up, yeah? We obviously have no idea what really happened.”
As the friends try to fill in new blanks inside the bar, Steve leans up against the back wall outside, looking up to the night sky. He never thought he would feel worse than that night he watched you drive, leaving him behind.
Boy was he wrong.
Next chapter
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