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miioouu · 1 year ago

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Mean Dad's Best Friend! Ghost

In which he asks you to hook him up with your bestie as you're riding him. Tw: smut, age gap (ghost is in his late 30s, reader in her early 20s), f!reader, mean mean ghost, a bit of dumbification if you squint like really hard. Wc: 2.1k

"You're a big girl now!" is the first thing Ghost said when you opened the door to greet your dad's military friends. You only smiled at him, with a slight blush as you took the small bag from him, which you assumed is your birthday gift.

"It's not everyday that you turn 21 my dear, so let's celebrate big time. Invite your friends, I'll invite mine, we'll have a nice barbecue, the weather is nice this weekend." and although you didn't need such fancy celebrations, how could you deny your old dad? How could you reject the chance of seeing one of his dearest friends, the one you've been fantasising about for years now? So you nodded, eager to invite your friends over.

It might've been your first mistake that night. How dare she? Come to your house, your birthday party, in such a short dress (albeit, it wasn't too short, but it got your blood boiling anyway). How dare she smile so brightly, her shoulders shaking with every laugh, her eyelashes batting anytime someone would say a word to her? And more importantly, how dare she steal his attention? His chocolate eyes following her every move, twinkling and shining when the wind would lift her dress up just a tiny bit, revealing more of her thighs, darting over to hers whenever he made a joke, seeing if she's laughing. How dare she walk past him? Making him sit up straight, his nose flaring up, obviously under his mask, to breathe in her perfume. And what made it worse? when she sat next to him at the table, your place, your seat. When he started to serve her, put food on her plate, pouring her a drink as if she couldn’t do it herself, as if she’s the birthday girl getting spoiled on her special day. When your eyes would stray to him, seeing his thumb rubbing circles on her knee, pushing the hem of her dress up to feel more of her plush skin. How dare she steal Ghost away from you? And how dare he entertain her too?

Just because you're older doesn't mean you're more mature, and doesn't mean that you have to be the bigger person. Your eyes start to line up with tears as you saw the big man lean in to whisper something in her ear that made her blush and giggle, making you storm up, excusing yourself for a second as you stomped to your bedroom to deal with your feelings in peace, away from everyone and precisely her.

Your face was buried in your pillows, silencing your screams of frustration, you haven't even seen the light peaking through the opening door, you haven't even heard it close and lock. You only felt a hand, big, warm, and calloused, slipping under your shirt, rubbing circles on the small of your back. "Can't have the princess be sad on her special day, hmm?" His hum sounded more like a growl, rumbling in his chest, trembling your whole soul. You didn't want to look at him, giving him the same treatment that he gave you all night, but he knew you couldn't resist him; not when his hand slid further up your back, experienced fingers undoing your bra with ease, and it's only when you felt the mattress sink under his weight that you looked at him with puffy red eyes.

He's cruel, it's not new information. Of course he is, years in the military broke his moral compass. Years of violence and brutality enabled him to differentiate between right and wrong, why else would he be chuckling over your tears? Why else would his lips be pressing sentimental kisses to the back of the neck of someone half his age? "What's the matter darling? who's gotten you so upset tonight?" you didn't have to answer, your glare was enough for him to understand, and yet again, he laughed. He laughed at your misery, your pain, your jealousy.

He's cruel, it's not new information, but he's manipulative too. Ages of studying the human's body language, he knows exactly how to read between the lines and into their minds. Twisted smiles or gruesome threats, either way, if he wants something, he'll find a way to get it. So is it really a surprise when he flops beside you, the bed squeaking under his enormous figure? His swift hands found your waist quickly, pulling you on top of him with ease, as if you weighed nothing. "Come on, don't be like that princess." He said in his low voice, erupting goosebumps across your skin. He removed your shirt, discarded your bra, throwing them somewhere on your bedroom floor to be lost. And he leaned in. His eyes fluttering as he looked up at you, his lips parting as he locked them around one of your nipples. His hot tongue is flicking your bud, his teeth dragging against your soft flesh here and there, all that while he kept his eyes on yours. He can't help it, such a cute young girl's resolve crumbling because of him.

Oh he's cruel, so cruel; he didn't miss the way your eyes widened in surprise when you felt his wet muscle on your skin, or the way your fingers curled in a fist, shaking as you tried to fight your desire off with reasoning. But he also didn't miss the way your head fell back, a sigh of delight escaping your lips as your digits uncurled and rested on his well defined chest instead. He didn't miss your shivers and the biting of your lips when his hands found purchase on your hips, grinding you against him, softly yet pressing you so tight against him. "Tell me…what have I done that has gotten you in that state?" he asks mischievously, a smirk on his lips because he knows, he knows exactly what he's done. When you don't answer him and only let out a frustrated huff as your grip tightens around his shirt, he rolls his eyes "Come on, don't be like that, darling… Was just entertaining her. You know I only have eyes for you." You scoff again at his obvious lie, and you wanted to speak up your mind, let him know you're not one to fool around with, but as soon as you gathered the courage to open your mouth, he lifted you hips up slightly, keeping one hand on you, the other quickly unbuttoning his jeans and in a swift motion pulling them down alongside his boxers; you barely registered the dark spot on them. But yours weren't better. He thanked whatever God is above that you wore a skirt. His fingers easily touch that soft spot between your thighs, chuckling at the wetness covering your flimsy cotton panties.

He's disgusting, really. The way he's teasing himself, eager to see what exactly you are wearing under that red skirt. Is it some cute, girly panties with strawberries on them? or maybe some flowers? Maybe they're stripped, baby blue and white. Or spotted, black and pink. What if they're a solid colour? What's your favourite colour again? Purple, yeah? Yeah, what if you're wearing a soft mauve pair of underwear, with a bow on the front, small lace details on the hem? And he groans at the thought, having enough of restraining himself, he's quick to flip your skirt up, laughing, laughing, when he sees that his assumptions were right, that you were so pretty in purple. You gasped, you whined as you tried to push his hand off "Simon…I…what are you doing?" you wanted to sound angry, livid and grossed out by the older man, but Ghost only looked at you, eyes sparkling brightly in your dimmed bedroom "Showing you that you're my favourite girl, of course!" His voice is laced with malice, and the upturn of his lips didn't make you feel any more reassured.

His fingers pushed your undies aside, too eager to take them off properly, and in all honesty, if they weren't this cute, he would've ripped them off. Your folds are glistening under the light, he can't help but lick his lips at the sight. "Look at you, darling. Look at you…Thought you were mad at me. If that's what I get anytime I make you angry, I might as well do it more often then." He chuckles, mean, as his hands find your hips again, guiding you closer to him, hovering you over his dripping tip. His eyes dart up at you for a second, he expected fear, or disgust, ready to stop if he saw tears rolling down your cheeks, but to his surprise, you were biting your lower lip, your cheeks were a glowy pink, and your eyes were half lidded, it didn't take a genius to see how badly you wanted him.

He's the cruellest man alive, there's no way someone is more evil than him. He didn't give you time, as soon as he heard your small whine when the leaking head of his dick brushed against your clit, he slammed you down onto him. Your mouth opened in a silent scream, your nails digging, tearing little holes in his thin black shirt, as you took all of him in one movement. "Big girl aren't you, dear? Doing such a good job, taking all of me like that…" He groans out after a few thrusts up into you. "But come on now, big girl, you can do it yourself, yeah?" He sounds a little frustrated, irritated and tired that his heels are digging into the mattress and he's the one moving his hips, doing the job.

Your second mistake is that you're too much of a people pleaser, and you had a soft spot for the huge military man. So you nodded at his command, pushing at his shoulders so he's laying flat against your bed as you begin to move. Up and down with every breath you took, your knees already hurting, but you pushed through, picking up the pace each time his fingers dug further in the soft skin of your thighs, a warning of some sort.

He's sweating, beads of perspiration collecting on his forehead as his eyes rolled so far back his skull. "Such a good girl for me." He'd moan out, calloused digits leaving the plushness of your thighs to grab at those of your breasts instead. You whimper, back arching at the feeling, your hands dig further more into his chest to keep yourself steady. "And you know how you could be even a better darling for me?" His voice is with malice, but your mind is already hazy and dizzy, melted as the tip of his cock kissed your cervix with every movement you made. You only hummed in acknowledgement; whether you had the brain to think or not, you would've still agreed to whatever he had to say, after all, you wanted to be his good girl, his only girl.

Third mistake, you're a dumb, stupid and hopeful young girl. What were you thinking, really? You thought he'd be kissing you and whispering how much he loves you? That his hands would comb through your hair as he whispered sweet nothings into your ear once you reached your high together and collapsed on his chest?

Your chest is heaving as you approach your climax, your mouth opening to let out a yell of his name as your walls tightened around his length, but he was quick to stop you, pull you into him and pressing his lips to yours to silence you. And yes you hoped for that, you prayed every night into your pillow to feel his lips against yours, wondering what he'd taste like, how they'd feel. But you were disappointed when you felt nothing, just an animalistic kiss, driven by pure instincts and predisposed desires… Where's the love you were dreaming of?

Keep dreaming of it. Keep dreaming of him, because that's the only place you'll ever have him. He's hasty to push you off of him, placing you on the mattress beside him, and looking at you with a hint of disgust after you finally orgasmed, unsatisfied as you didn't feel him fill you up to the brim as you imagined he would. "If you want to be my good girl, hook me up with that pretty friend of yours downstairs. Convince her to give me her number, tell her how stupid my cock makes you. And who knows? Maybe next time, I'll give you what you want." But he didn't mean it, obvious by his tone and the way he rolled his back, cracking his spine as he closed the door behind him as he left, not even glancing your direction as you tried not to cry your heart out…

#ghost x reader #ghost smut #cod smut #simon riley smut #cod x reader #simon riley #simon riley x reader #female reader #smut

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babyphat05 · 8 months ago

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What are some general dating tips that I should be aware of as someone who’s not experienced?

- Getting to know someone means getting to know someone. Asking uncomfortable questions about religion, politics, previous relationship trauma, behavioral questions, etc., and really taking note of his responses are key. People spend too much time during the getting-to-know-you stage focusing on fluff questions and then later down the line, the red flags begin pouring in. Don’t get caught up.

- You should not be texting this person 24/7. A lot of men like the idea of having easy access to women and essentially having a texting buddy. Unless this man has proven that you should text him throughout the day and he’s taking the initiative to ask you out on dates, then constant texting and making him a priority in your life in the beginning stages isn’t warranted.

- You need to understand that men have a lot of options. Meaning just because a guy is supposedly treating your special does not mean he’s not talking to other women, you’re probably just at the top of his roster at the moment. It’s very silly to just talk to one guy at a time. Because you’re inexperienced with dating, you need to start grasping the fact that when one guy does you wrong your feelings aren’t 100% invested because you have other men perusing you.

- Avoid lazy dates. If you accept a Starbucks date, he’s going to associate you as the girl who’s okay with a $5 cup of coffee. If you start accepting low effort, expect bare minimum treatment moving forward. You can differentiate a man who puts effort towards each and every date he takes you on versus someone who is just winging it. Stick with the men who give you effort, not the opposite.

- Have FUN! Dating really doesn't suck and all men aren't bad, these are just opinions from women who are taking dating way too seriously. If you date a guy who you end up not being attracted to but still find him to be a cool person - keep him as a friend! If you date someone who you catch feelings for and he ends up being a jerk, WELP on to the next! Make dating light-hearted and as a chance to get to know someone all while having fun experiences. When you bring the seriousness of wanting a boyfriend and to settle down, that's how you suck away all the fun.

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headpainmigraine · 1 year ago

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Chronic migraine isn't a headache

I feel like, when we say 'a migraine is not a headache', people think 'it's not just a headache, it's also nausea and vomiting and being groggy' but it's not even that.

Migraine is not a headache, in that you don't have to have a headache to have migraines.

Not that I blame anyone - if you Google 'What is a migraine?', the NHS, Mayo clinic, etc, will always tell you 'migraine is a headache…' with additional add-ons.

Doctors get an entire 4 hours of medical training on 'headache' in their entire 7 years of education. Of course 'migraine is a headache' will be trotted out - headache is the most common symptom, and the one that bothers people the most.

It's understandable, but wrong.

Check out what you get from places with a migraine speciality, like the migraine trust and the national migraine centre:

'Migraine is a disorder of the brain where the nerves become over-stimulated and cause a cascade of chemicals to be released'

'Migraine brains' are easily overstimulated in response to sensory input (light, sounds, movement, smells, etc), of which headache is a product. Also nausea, vomiting, sensitivity to stimuli, vestibular dysfunction, sometimes stroke-like symptoms.

If that sounds a little like a neurodivergency to you, then yeah, it is.

Migraine is not 'a bad headache' and if you're getting them chronically, you should think about seeing a doctor* (or asking them for a referral to a headache doctor, or at least a neurologist)

'Chronic' Migraine is defined by:

at least 15 headache days a month

with 8 having migraine symptoms

for at least 3 months

(IF YOU HAVE CHRONIC MIGRAINE, YOU ALSO HAVE CHRONIC PAIN)

Otherwise it's 'episodic migraine' (although recent research indicates this defintion might be changing to be less restrictive, based on impact on the individual)

Migraine can become worse and less responsive to treatment the longer they go without treatment, so it's always worth seeing a doctor*, even if you're not having enough to be considered chronic.

Just as you can have migraines without headache, you can also have headaches without migraines that still require treatment. There's a whole host of differential diagnosis for migraine, from tension headache to cluster headache, idiopathic intracranial hypertension, hypertension, sinus disorders, trigeminal neuralgia, and on and on.

NB: Chiari malformations can also mimic migraines sometimes, by causing symptoms that come along with migraines, like neck pain, unsteadiness, dizziness, etc.

Migraines 'not just a headache'? Migraines aren't even a headache.

*usual caveat on seeing doctors; yeah, they cost money (in the US and/or privately elsewhere), long waiting lists, a lot of them A LOT OF THEM are incompetent, YMMV, but it's worth it for migraines.

#migraine #chronic migraine #chronic pain #disabilities #disability #headaches #neurodivergence #neurological disorder #spoonies #migraine isn't a headache

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marciaillust · 2 years ago

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Heyooo! It’s me again (i hope i’m not bothering you by asking questions like these) I started making a comic and I’m struggling with the typography

Any tips or recs to look? I really like your work and that’s why I am asking :)

Heyo!

I can dish out a few tips but they aren't really hard rules so take them with a grain of salt and artistic freedom.

The most important thing imo is the presentation of the text on the page. The shape and number of speech bubbles will be registered way before any of the contents so it needs to looks the part.

The first tip would be generally avoid the speech bubbles being overly thin and long. The example below is pretty tame but believe me, I’ve read comics with the wormiest of speech bubbles and they tend to not look good.

Sometimes the automatic alignment of the text will look closer to a square (especially if there are many short words in a sentence) so feel free to go in and move the text around via the enter key so it looks more like the rhombus. You won't always be able to achieve it especially if the first word in a sentence is long (e.g. the word "hypothetically") but a rhombus should be the goal.

While we're on the topic of speech bubbles I like mine to have really short "tails" (the bits that indicate who is speaking), unless I REALLY want to make sure the reader knows who is speaking in a scene.

Also I always make the tails point directly towards characters mouth unless it would make the scene confusing (for example if two characters have mouths really close to each other or something, I might make one tail point a bit higher/lower/to the left/right to differentiate between the two speakers. But that’s like a super specific problem and could be avoided with proper frame layout.)

And like, never skip the tails unless its the same character monologuing at length. Nothing breaks emersion more than when you have to stop and turn into an investigator to determine who is speaking in a scene.

Now for the fonts themselves, in my opinion the size of text should be unified between speech bubbles and across pages when it comes to a single font. Example, all casual speech - arial, 14; all thought bubbles - Calibri, 15.

That is of course unless there is artistic merit to changing the font and/or font's size. Making someone yell, suggesting a threat or sarcasm, indicating a playful tone or something akin to that - lean into what you're trying to communicate visually.

All fonts are not made equal and sometimes you will have to adjust things manually e.g. letter spacing or line spacing. Generally I try to keep the spacing the same regardless of the font, e.g. "yay exciting" had massive gaps between the lines which I've shrunk to make it look more visually cohesive with the rest of the dialogue. Same with these ones:

At the end of the day typography and everything pertaining to speech bubbles is design work and what designs do is communicate a message and serve a function. I’ve had this picture saved on my pc for years now (reverse google search doesn’t tell me who made it but it’s like the bible to me so I will share it, I am almost certain it was made by tryinghuman but I might be wrong):

Really every part of a speech bubble can be “designed” down to a single word. The position of text, fonts, the shape of the bubble etc. And every change will culminate in an effect and the goal is to have that effect reflect what you’re going for.

Make it legible or illegible, make it see-through, capitalise one word, cover speech bubbles up with other objects, make them crack or fall apart. Not every speech bubble needs special treatment! But once in a while it’s nice to throw something different in to spice things up.

Also, and this is a rule that was bestowed upon me during a graphic design class, don’t use more than 3 fonts per page (again, unless there is artistic merit to it like e.g. purposefully trying to communicate a sense of chaos. Otherwise it just looks a bit unprofessional. In my opinion anyway.)

And the last thing I will say, and this mostly applies to comics in English, is some “speech” fonts include capital “I”s both with and without serifs. The serif I should generally be reserved for the pronoun “I”.

There is so much more when it comes to text in comics like the flow of bubbles across pages, splicing text across bubbles for communicating speech patterns or intentions of the characters, and there are tutorials about it out there but I wasn’t able to find my favourites on command............. sorry................ But I’m peppering this in just so you’re on the lookout for all the other cool things that go into comic making :)

Hope this helped!

#tutorial #i guess

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nestasminiaturepegasus · 6 months ago

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Nesta Archeron is NOT a narcissist

People love to argue in my comments over whether Nesta is a narcissist or not, so let's use some basic psychology to debunk this:)

Contextual Understanding: It's essential to consider Nesta's background and experiences. She has faced significant trauma, including the loss of her mother and the burden of caring for her family after their downfall. Such experiences can lead to defensive behaviours and coping mechanisms, which might manifest as aloofness or self-preservation rather than narcissism.

Emotional Depth: Narcissism is characterized by a lack of empathy and an inflated sense of self-importance. However, Nesta exhibits profound emotional depth and capacity for empathy, particularly in her protective instincts towards her sisters and her eventual willingness to sacrifice herself for others. This contradicts the hallmark traits of narcissism.

Vulnerability and Self-Reflection: Despite her tough exterior, Nesta demonstrates vulnerability and moments of self-reflection throughout the series. Narcissists often struggle to acknowledge their flaws or vulnerabilities, whereas Nesta grapples with her inner demons and seeks redemption. Her journey towards self-awareness and growth suggests a willingness to confront her shortcomings rather than perpetuate a narcissistic facade.

Interpersonal Relationships: Narcissists tend to exploit others for personal gain and lack genuine, reciprocal relationships. In contrast, Nesta forms meaningful connections with various characters, including Cassian, Emerie, and Gwyn, demonstrating her capacity for empathy, loyalty, and genuine emotional bonds.

Trauma Response vs. Personality Trait: It's crucial to differentiate between behaviour resulting from trauma and inherent personality traits. While Nesta may exhibit defensive or self-protective behaviours as a result of her past experiences, these do not necessarily indicate narcissistic tendencies ingrained in her character.

Because I kNOW some of you are still not convinced, here is the diagnostic criteria for NPD from DSM-5, and how they do NOT relate to Nesta.

Grandiosity: Nesta does not exhibit a grandiose sense of self-importance. In fact, she struggles with feelings of unworthiness and self-doubt, which is contrary to the first criterion.

Fantasies of Success, Power, Beauty, and Idealization: Nesta does not indulge in fantasies of success or power. Instead, she often sees herself as undeserving and struggles to find meaning in her own existence.

Belief in Being "Special" and Association with High-Status Individuals: Nesta does not believe she is inherently special or deserving of special treatment. She distances herself from others due to her own feelings of inadequacy rather than a belief in her superiority.

Demanding Excessive Admiration: Nesta does not demand excessive admiration from others. In fact, she often isolates herself and rejects offers of help or care from those around her.

Sense of Entitlement: Nesta does not have a sense of entitlement. Instead, she believes she deserves nothing and struggles to accept kindness or assistance from others.

Exploitative Behaviours: There is no evidence to suggest that Nesta engages in exploitative behaviours for personal gain. Instead, she often pushes others away and isolates herself, rather than seeking to manipulate or exploit them.

Lack of Empathy: While Nesta may initially appear aloof or distant, she demonstrates empathy and compassion towards her loved ones, particularly her sisters, the valkyries, and the humans without protection.

Envy or Belief That Others Are Envious: Nesta may feel resentment towards those who seem to have an easier life or grapple with their trauma ‘easier’, but there's no clear pattern of envy or belief that others envy her.

Arrogant or Haughty Behaviours: While Nesta may initially appear aloof or distant, her demeanour is not characterized by consistent displays of arrogance or haughtiness. Instead, her guardedness and reserved nature stem from a deep-seated sense of vulnerability and self-protection, which are more indicative of internal struggles rather than narcissistic tendencies.

( DSM-5 criteria can be found at https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556001/ )

#nesta supremacy #nesta stan #nesta archeron #acotar #sjm #acosf #nesta acotar

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lairofdragonagelore · 26 days ago

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Patterns and Styles: Avvar/Alamarri

Avvar/Alamarri design is quite rustic, stone-based, and sometimes it's hard to differentiate one from another considering their cultural history: the Avvar are a branch of the Alamarri that moved towards the Mountains. Alamarri as well as Avvar and Chasind have a long story of inter-racial mix with the dwarves of Orzammar, which is clear in their art: heavily based on stone and with some imagery of dwarves.

However, it is important to remember that Avvar in particular may have had also relationships with the Elvhenan, as Tyrdda's lover was an elven woman. Their tradition with mages and their treatment of the spirits also resembles their influence from the elvhenan culture. This strange mix is then reflected in the art.

This series of posts are not exhaustive since I’ve developed a very detailed list of tags tracking certain features of a given design. These posts merely try to gather in one place the symbols and elements I used most of the time when identifying buildings in my analysis of DAI.

[This post is part of the series “Patterns and Styles ”] [Index page of Dragon Age Lore]

Patterns

When it comes to patterns, the only one that I can assume is alamarri it's an intricated rhomboid pattern [celtic-like] that we can find in some columns of arches that are spread all over Ferelden. It's not clear for me that this pattern was later imported by the Avvar. However, it's interesting to highlight the resemblance to the elvhenan walls in temples such as in Mythal's Temple [see Patterns and Styles: Elvhenan] which also seems to be related to the pattern found in the pants that Dalish wear, and ironically, Qunari too.

Statues and decorations

1 - Keepers of Fear and their variations

Part of the reason I consider these statues as Keepers of Fear is that they represent similar imagery; they share the style and some characteristics, and are related to the codex The Keepers of Fear. They display the despair and fear that the Alamarri felt when the Blight came from the north. They tend to be elongated humanoids, usually with pointy teeth, without a nose, and screaming/cowering body language.

They also appear close to one another, in groups, in Kenric’s study room in the DLC Jaws of Hakkon [ Frostback Basin [DLC]: Miscellaneous ] implying similar origin for study. They also decorate the paths that head to the Avvar Hold in the DLC, and inside the hold itself.

In the Fade, we find the codex The Keepers of Fear on one of these statues, where we learn that the Alamarri/Avvar used them to scream inside them during the time of the Blight, thinking the darkspawn were spirits. As we know thanks to the DLC Jaws of Hakkon, the Avvar [and by extension most likely the Alamarri and the Chasind] would feed the spirits to keep them close [spirits] or away [demons] from their communities.

1A - Screaming Keeper [Alamarri/Avvar]

Where it can be found:

In Crestwood, in a place a bit isolated closed to a destroyed Andraste statue,

In Fallow Mire: Granite Point [not original from this place],

In Frostback Basin [DLC]: Stone-Bear Hold Avvars : Everywhere, specially along the paths.

In Hinterlands: Minor places, in several places and caves.

In Hinterlands: Redcliffe – Future, along the corridors of the fortress as the Fade and the Waking World get merged.

In the Fade Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, in many places, since this part of the Fade we visit is close to the lair of a Nightmare Demon who feeds upon the Fear and Despair. At some point one of these statues triggers the codex The Keepers of Fear.

The Fade of Flemeth: Part 1, Part 2, as decoration of an avvar/alamarri corridor.

Brief description: This statue is elongated. It has long arms, and its hands are grabbing the face, distorted in fear as it screams. It has no nose. There are some strange appendages falling down and making an extension of its chin [thick beard?]. We can see the ribs very easily, suggesting illness or hunger. It also has elongated legs, one of them crossing over the hip that conveys an impression of more terror and fear.

These Keepers appear quite regularly in all places over Ferelden and the Frostback Mountains. They are inserted in the landscape or along paths, and we can see they are a good reflection of what the codex The Keepers of Fear says: They are part of the Avvar/Alamarri "superstition”: They thought the Darkspawns were bad spirits that fed on fear, so they crafted these statues to feed them far away from their communities, to keep them satisfied and away from them. However, when this did not work [since the darkspawn are not spirits], the Alamarri/Avvar used these statues to scream inside them and pour all their fear into them, “burn” it in order to get rid of it, and go to battle against the darkspawn no matter their gender or age.

In the Frostback Basin [DLC], we can find these statues flanking the path to the Avvar Hold or inside it. In the Fade it makes sense for them to appear where the Lair of the demon Nightmare lives: he has been feeding upon these fears for centuries.

1B - Screaming heads [Avvar]

Where it can be found:

In Frostback Basin [DLC]: Miscellaneous: everywhere

In Hinterlands: Statues, paintings, and structures found in the open , Wolf Hollow, Tyrdda Bright-Axe Path [as a part of the stanza], and Minor places

In Hinterlands: Redcliffe - Future, as the Waking World and the Fade merge one another.

In Therinfal Redoubt [in the part of the Fade]

In the Fade Part 1, Part 3, in many places. This part of the Fade we visit is close to the lair of a Nightmare Demon who feeds on Fear and Despair, so it makes sense we see so many of these Keepers.

The Fade of Flemeth: Part 1, as decoration of an avvar/alamarri corridor.

Brief description: This statue is an isolated head with two faces [front and back display different shapes], I can see humanoid faces in them: one as a screaming melted human without nose [which can also be considered the face of a Terror demon or a ghoul], and the other one as a screaming boar of pointy teeth, which inside its mouth there is another screaming face. Everything is too deformed to be precise.

The game efficiently combines these heads in ways that seem to create new different horror statues by clipping them.

We find these faces all over Ferelden and the Frostback Mountains, specially in Avvar/Alamarri territory.

1C - Sitting screaming humanoid [Avvar]

Where it can be found:

In Frostback Basin [DLC]: Stone-Bear Hold Avvars : specially in small cliffs into the sea, where the Avvar can be seen fishing. It can also be found aside a path inside the Avvar Hold.

In the Hinterlands: The Unknown Ruin [Mihris] clipped with a skull.

In the The Fade of Flemeth: Part 2, clipped with a skull.

In Hissing Wastes: scattered objects and ruins, inside a crevice where a Fereldan vendor has been placed, but we only find their mabari and several objects of Ferelden iconography.

Brief description: This statue is elongated and shares many characteristics present in 1A and 1B. It shows long arms, hands covering the eyes, screaming out of fear as it cowers. It's sitting inside a basket. It has no nose and its teeth are pointy. We can see the ribs very easily, suggesting hunger or illness.

During the DLC Frostback Basin [DLC]: Stone-Bear Hold Avvars, Dorian will point out this is an Avvar statue, which makes sense considering we are in an avvar hold.

1D - Sitting screaming humanoid with hands inside the mouth [Avvar]

Where it can be found:

In Razikale’s Reach, as part of the stratification of the Temple when it was taken by the Avvar-Hakkonite and rejected the Tevinters that had been installed around the time of the first Blight.

Inside Skyhold if you pick the Avvar decoration.

Brief description: This statue is elongated and shares many characteristics present in 1A, 1C, 1E and 2. It displays long arms, but no hands. It’s not clear if the hands are inside the mouth or means they were eaten [I favour this second option since these statues tend to be scrawny, conveying the idea of famine, another very common fear among the Avvar, specially during the Blight times]. It has no nose and its teeth are pointy. Its legs are protruding from over the shoulders, giving the sense that this figure is sitting and cowering. We can see a bit of its ribs in between the arms. The position is similar to 1C and 2.

1E - Sitting screaming deepstalker humanoid [Likely Avvar]

Where it can be found:

In Hinterlands: The Unknown Ruin [Mihris] , at the sides of another Avvar/Alamarri statue [1C] clipped with a skull.

In the Fade Part 2 and Part 3, It is a zone where we find a Tevinter sacrificial altar.

In the Fade of Flemeth: Part 1, this statue is beside a sacrificial altar again.

In The Fade of Flemeth: Part 2, it appears at the end, where we find Flemeth. They are positioned as to form a frame for the statue that was stabbed in the back and bleeds.

Brief description: These statues share some similarities with 1A, 1C and 1D: they show long arms, with hands grabbing the sides of the face as it screams. It has no nose nor eyes. We can see the ribs very easily, giving a sense of skeleton [extreme famine?]. What makes this statue particular is the strange mouth, closer in shape to a deepstalker’s mouth. It’s not clear if the figure is sitting, since it has no legs. Its base has the outline of a figure that reinforces the idea of screaming in terror and rising its arms. This figure has a shape that also resembles a terror demon.

In some places in the Fade, the head of this statue is burning, making clear suggestion to the codex of the Keepers of Fear, in particular to the part where they burn their screams of fear to find courage to fight [and die] against the darkspwan.

Rarely appears alone [it’s usually presented in pairs], and when it does, bones and bodies are shown below it, relating it to sacrifices and death. Most likely the concept of sacrifice comes from the part of the codex where once the fears are burnt, the alamarri went to fight a hopeless battle.

What’s interesting of this statue is that it’s a central piece of decoration in the Lair of the Nightmare Demon, in the Fade [check Part 4]. There, we see four of these statues, vomiting blood. Around this spilled blood, some bits of red lyrium can be found. This construction may be entirely done for shock value, since it’s a reuse of several assets assembled in a way that inspire terror and fear just in the moment where the Inquisitor faces the Nightmare demon.

2 - Eroded dragon skull and variations [Avvar]

Where it can be found:

In Swamp Kulsdotten, in the Frostback basin

In Hinterlands: Statues, paintings, and structures found in the open , Wolf Hollow , and Redcliffe – Future.

In the Therinfal Redoubt [As part of the decoration of the fortress’ main room]

In the The Fade of Flemeth: Part 1 as well as the common Raw Fade.

In Hinterlands: The Unknown Ruin [Mihris], as the base of the main, central figure, which is 1C with a clipped skull.

Brief description: I personally call it "Eroded dragon skull", because I have no other way to call it to tag it in the blog. I see a kind of dragon skull with horns that go backwards and then forward, but it also looks like a statue of a humanoid, with elongated legs that protrude from the sides of the skull. Like in the previous statues, it has no nose and seems to have pointy teeth at the end of the “snout”. All the details are blurred for what it looks like erosion.

On its back, this statue has a G symbol which doesn’t present the same level of erosion than the front. I only found a remotely similar symbol in the elven artefact. It’s a strange symbol, dwarven-like even for an “elven” artefact [looks like a squarish swirl]. In fact, that symbol can be found in dwarven objects [specially tapestry and rugs]. Once more, it’s only what I’ve observed, I don’t think we have any evidence to even speculate on this. It looks quite on purpose, though. A whole eroded statue with a clear G on its back is a choice in terms of design.

If we compare this statue with similar ones found in Avvar/Alamarri-related places the common characteristics show up:

It has long limbs, open mouth, and pointy teeth, without a nose. Through these similarities it seems reasonable to relate it with the Avvar culture.

3 - Tyrdda statue [Avvar]

Where it can be found:

In Hinterlands: Tyrdda Bright-Axe Path

and in Hinterlands: inside the Grand Forest Villa.

Tyrdda Bright-Axe was a legendary Alamarri chieftain who is considered the founder of the Avvar.

Brief description: The statue is simple, with a woman holding a sword [which is strange considering the Avvar always knew she was a mage and was holding a staff]. It has limbs a bit elongated and her ribs can be seen.

4 - Lady of the Sky [Avvar]

Where it can be found:

In the Skyhold [Stone-Bear Hold Avvars ] when you pick Avvar Decoration

Brief description: This satue is an owl, representation of the Lady of the Skies. I find interesting in her design the ring around her head: small little spikes that may be related or may have inspired artistically other symbols in the game: the thorns that we have seen many times in vines, which have elven influence [after all, the Avvar have a strong elven influence in their culture if we consider the tale of Tyrdda Bright-Axe Path as more or less reliable with respect to her lover of leaf-like ears], or could be an inspiration of a sun. The symbolism of the Lady of the sky with the sun is also shown in her painted representation, as I talked about in the post Dragon Age Iconic Patterns: The Sun.

5 - Korth [Avvar]

Where it can be found:

Stone-Bear Hold Avvars , close to the entrance of the hold,

or in Skyhold when you pick Avvar decoration.

Brief description: This statue shares the similar position of 1C, 1D, and 2, but instead of being a squat position due to fear, in Korth’s case it’s because the weight of the stone. Korth is the Mountain-Father, so this representation shows he is supporting it. His face, so filled with beard, and his body, short and thick, seems to recall dwarven nature, which could exists since the dwarf influence in the Avvar is present in their tales [Trydda had a child with a dwarven prince]. Curiously, it has horns [that can be part of a potential helm he is wearing?]. He is snarling as he endures the weight of the mountain/Stone.

6 - Dwarf with long limbs [Likely Alamarri/Avvar]

Where it can be found:

In Crestwood: surface , Crestwood: Flooded Caves , at the entrance of the drowned village,

In the Stone-Bear Hold Avvars, in the main throne room

In Hinterlands: Statues, paintings, and structures found in the open , Wolf Hollow, and Tyrdda Bright-Axe Path showing the path to some of the statues that trigger Tyrdda’s story.

In an unknown place called the Forgotten Tower, where the presence of this statue seems to reinforce the idea that this place was inhabited by an avvar, as it shows the codex triggered in this place: Old Codex: Mouldy Journal.

Brief description: This statue shares the characteristic of having elongated arms crossed over the chest in similar fashion as some Fereldan drawings seem to have [see Nation Art: Ferelden]. It displays a short man with hair, long beard, and a long, curvy moustache. The back and the front are the same image.

This statue is one of the most reused all over Ferelden, specially in regions where the Avvar-Alamarri presence was strong in the past. I think they represent the dwarves, which makes sense if we read the tale of Tyrdda: Avvar’s chieftains descend from humans and dwarves.

A weak pattern may suggest them as “pointers” or “guides”. Sometimes they are placed in pairs creating a path towards a place of importance [see Tyrdda Bright-Axe Path]. Sometimes, as pointers of graves or special places.

7- Monolith with swirls [Likely Alamarri]

Where it can be found:

In Hinterlands: Statues, paintings, and structures found in the open , Wolf Hollow, Tyrdda Bright-Axe Path

In the Forgotten Tower , where the presence of this statue seems to reinforce the idea that this place was inhabited by an avvar, as it shows the codex triggered in this place: Old Codex: Mouldy Journal.

Brief description: I’m not sure if it’s a mabari or a horse. The Avvar are not fond of the mabari, since they are a tamed animal; however, they seem to use an “avvar horse” that looks like a zebra, and it is a bit wild. On the other hand, I also suspect that this statue may be Chasind, simply because in DAO we saw similar monoliths with line patterns on them in the Kocari Wilds [Check Ostagar post or The Blackmarsh and the High Dragon for details]. Unfortunately, these monoliths have no codex associated with them and there is little to speculate about.

8 - Monolith with ropes [Likely Alamarri]

Where it can be found:

In Hinterlands: and Crestwood, but in general all over Ferelden.

In the Frostback Basin and inside the Stone-Bear Hold.

There is no much to say about this element. It appears everywhere, more as a decoration or a support for other statues.

9 - Table of Wolves [Confusing. Likely Ferelden]

Where it can be found:

In Crestwood: surface and Hinterlands: Statues, paintings, and structures found in the open

Brief description: a metallic dark table decorated with spiky wolves. The wolves have a strong resemblance to the ones that were painted by Solas in his mural “Inquisition Formation” [Read “The actions of the Inquisitor”]. It seems related to the mabaris/wolves presented in 10A, which tend to appear in Ferelden-based enviroments. It seems to be Ferelden but it could also be inherited through the Alamarri culture. What always caught my attention was the material: unlike the rest of the Alamarri/Avvar statues, it’s not made of stone but dark metal, a Tevinter-origin characteristic.

10 - Mabaris

Mabaris are depicted all over Ferelden without much surprise; Ferelden has a culture deeply entangled with them. However, sometimes the hound silhouette seems to be confused with that one of the wolf and it’s hard to distinguish one from another. We know due to the legends [unreliable sources but decent enough for this level of understanding] that the Alamarri had their dogs. The potential Alamarri origin of the The Ash Warriors [who fight with their mabaris beside them] seem to support those [unreliable] legends. However, the Avvar are not fond of tamed animals, and prefer wild ones that can be befriended, hence why a wolf is more suitable for them. Considering this detail, it’s natural to understand the following statues as somewhat in between the lines of the Culture of the Alamarri, the Avvar, and the Ferelden [maybe even Chasind too?]. The blurred difference between mabari and wolf translates into the difficulty of deciding to which culture these statues belong to.

10A - Pointy Mabaris [Likely Ferelden]

Where it can be found:

In some places in Crestwood: surface

In Therinfal Redoubt as part of the decoration of the Fortress’ main room.

In Frostback Mountains: Haven, as part of the decoration.

Brief description: The look too similar to the wolves drawn by Solas in his mural “Inquisition Formation” [Read “The actions of the Inquisitor”].

10B - Mabaris with lines [Likely Alamarri/Avvar]

Where it can be found:

In Fallow Mire: Granite Point , it is not original from this place, but since it’s kept beside other Avvar statues it may imply same origin too.

In Hinterlands: Wolf Hollow, again found with other Avvar statues.

In Therinfal Redoubt as decoration

Brief description: It is almost a monolith, similar to the ones we find in the Kocari Wilds in DAO [ read Ostagar post or The Blackmarsh and the High Dragon for details] and to 7 but with less curvy lines and more angular ones.

In the Fade Part 3, one of the heads of 1B has this statue sprouting from its mouth, which offers the codex A Plea from the Warrior to the Spirits. It seems to be written by an avvar/alamarri or a descendant of them, for example a Ferelden person who remembers the “old ways”. It speaks about how the wolves had been allies to the humans once, but the softening of the human, the replacement of the hunt as a survival means for an agricultural lifestyle, changed this relationship, replacing the wolf and the hunt, by a hound and a sedentary life. There is a reinforcement of the concept of the wolf as a symbol of freedom and rebellion, as a creature who doesn’t simply obey, like a hound does. Then, the Darkspawn came, putting at risk this comfortable sedentary life, showing how little power hounds have. “Kill the hound in my heart […] in its place, give me the wolf”. The wolf is representation of power, bravery, and freedom, as the mabari represents obedience and loyalty.

10C - Beheaded female Mabari [Likely Ferelden]

Where it can be found:

In Hinterlands: Minor places, specially in a cave where we see several Avvar statues and some Tevinter ones.

In the Forgotten Tower, where the presence of Avvar statues combined with the codex of this place: Old Codex: Mouldy Journal seem to reinforce the idea that this tower was inhabited by an Avvar who was rescued by an Elvhenan.

Brief description: It depicts a female mabari which has been feeding puppies [flaccid mammals]. On her back there is a spiky pattern that could be related to the spiky style of the wolves in 9 or 10A. What it’s disturbing is her head, which is barely kept in place because it’s attached with strips that have written runes on them. Inside the space between her head and body, there is usually fire [Waking World] or meat [Fade].

10D - Spiked Mabari [Likely Ferelden]

Where it can be found:

Mostly in Hinterlands: Statues, paintings, and structures found in the open

And in the Seeker fortress during Cassandra’s personal quest.

Brief description: These are mabari-totem figures in styles that can be Ferelden most likely, but seem to be inspired in Alamarri/Avvar ones since they have some similarities in style to 10B and 10C. There are no codex associated with them.

11 - Additional elements:

There is an Avvar table used in Stone-Bear Hold Avvars , that was also used to erect the hero of Ferelden’s monument in Hinterlands: Redcliffe - Present , so we can suspect avvar-alamarri-ferelden origin of it.

In Skyhold, when we activate the Avvar decoration, we find a unique statue that is not seen anywhere else: it looks like a tree branch-hand holding a bowl. It gives me the impression of a sylvanian hand.

#patterns and styles #pattern design #avvar design #avvar #chasind #alamarri design #alamarri #mabari statues #mabari #lady of the skies #korth

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utilitycaster · 1 year ago

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If you've read that recent article on polygon about Candela Obscura - "Critical Role’s Candela Obscura fails to differentiate itself enough from its inspiration" (6 November 2023) - I don't know much about the other systems and have trouble being objective about things I love, I was wondering what your opinion is

Hi anon!

I have! I will also admit I don't know Blades in the Dark terribly well, or rather, I have roughly the same BitD knowledge as I have Candela knowledge: I've watched (or in this case, listened) to a actual play show run in it (TAZ Steeplechase) and I've looked at the SRD. The Candela full rulebook doesn't come out for a week, so I really can't judge it for myself. So this isn't going to be objective either, but hopefully it will point out what I think the flaws in this article are regardless of the merits or failures of Candela Obscura as a game.

I think my overall issue is what I said about Polygon on the whole earlier this week: it really feels like their metric is first, is this innovative; and second, "does this reinforce my pre-existing political values in a way that allows me to feel warm and fuzzy and virtuous because I played a fun game/watched a fun show and lets me continue to ignore that I haven't actually engaged in any of that tiresome and inconvenient meaningful anticapitalist action."

I also, for what it's worth, think that this mentality very explicitly conflicts with what Critical Role is doing. I think a lot of people interpret the whole "a group of friends playing games" image as encouraging parasocial behavior (which, frankly, is weird in that while the CR fandom has had a parasociality problem, it's no different than any large fandom - Laurisha shippers or the Twinnies & Husbands crowd are literally just the Actual Play Fandom equivalent of Gaylors and Larries; also like, the pitch for WBN earlier this year was basically "hey, we're four friends playing games" and no one has blinked at that, nor should they have) when I think it's intended to mean "we are friends having fun making and playing the games we want to play; it's great if you'll join us but we're doing what we want." Given that Polygon has shown something of a bias towards those shows that give them early access, I do think it might be that they're just cranky they're not being given any special treatment or catering by an actual play show they've been shitting on for years, and this is simply a vicious cycle.

All that aside, more importantly in this case, I think the article shows a notable lack of Ebert's law: "A movie is not about what it is about. It is about how it is about it." Samantha Nelson, the author of this article, appears to be both incapable of evaluating Candela Obscura outside the context of Blades in the Dark - which is frankly, in my again admittedly limited opinion, vastly overstated as an influence (the Forged in the Dark engine is certainly a strong influence, but that's purely mechanical and also it's still only an influence - more on this later) - and also seems to want Candela Obscura's rulebook to flesh out Newfaire and Oldfaire in the same way that Blades in the Dark fleshes out Duskvol.

The thing is, those wide-open spaces and the vagueness of OldFaire? That's deliberate. The Looper interview with Spenser Starke and Rowan Hall as well as the Tabletop News interview both make this clear. The aim of Candela Obscura is to be very easy to pick up, to not have a bunch of intimidating lore that players and GMs need to know before they jump in (and I say this as someone who, when invited to her first D&D game, was the person who read the PHB and sent the other new players a brief summary of each race and class; I love intimidating lore), and to accommodate a wide range of styles. They considered making Oldfaire much more detailed in the book and then decided not to so that GMs felt more free with the world. Again, my knowledge of Blades in the Dark is heavily skewed by an actual play of it that's explicitly not in Duskvol (which I think is a very interesting commentary, namely, maybe Nelson just really fucking loves Duskvol but no one else gives a shit). I genuinely think they are, as more and more Polygon TTRPG/Actual Play coverage seems to be, barely paying attention to what's in front of them and just deciding based on who put it out.

As I said in my earlier posts I do think Candela distinguishes itself from BitD in a number of ways mechanically. The gilded dice mechanic is obviously one of the biggest ones. The lack of flashbacks - a pretty core element of Blades in the Dark - is another. The fact that scars change your stats rather than dealing a permanent penalty (as Trauma does in BitD) is seen as a flaw, as is the lack of lair-building, but I think these things work in tandem. Blades in the Dark is very much about growing territory and becoming a more and more powerful crime syndicate; while four traumas will take you out of the game the same way scars will, there's a lot more opportunities to heal and I believe you have much more room to take stress. Candela Obscura, as another interview I read states (ScreenRant), is a gothic/eldritch horror game about normal people in unfathomable circumstances. You don't really get much better! You adapt, but progress against these monsters is always a long shot. Candela as an organization has been operating for millennia, and the war seems to be one of attrition, and the mechanics, from what I know from the show, reflect that.

The bit about the criminal crew and the lair is honestly kind of funny to me, because in the TAZ Steeplechase wrap-up I listened to last week the McElroys noted that the lair element of BitD was actually really hard to incorporate and they largely ignored it. Obviously that's not true for everyone, but famously D&D in the earlier editions guided high level play towards running one's own dungeon, and there is a reason that hasn't survived to the newer editions, namely, that shift from being a crew out there doing wild and exciting heists and adventures to painting the walls of your clubhouse and hiring guards is not actually fun for a lot of people.

So in summary: I really don't think the author of this article paid a single scrap of attention to the motivations behind design choices, is mad the horror game doesn't give them a kiss on the cheek and tell them they're So Good at Leftism (the comment about not understanding that the restrictions on scarlet aren't tied to anti-immigrant sentiment is particularly egregious), and generally is like "why is this game that shares some similarities but ultimately rather different goals than Blades in the Dark not literally Blades in the Dark but with slightly more aggressive ghosts."

#answered #Anonymous #candela tag #m's ongoing one-sided vendetta against polygon's coverage #man i have another rant in me i was going to write before i got this very good question; i'm going to go to the gym and see that fixes it #long post

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alleiwentcrazy · 2 years ago

Text

“Wow, man, that’s nasty. You should get that checked.”

Someone’s standing in the doorway, Steve’s sane enough to notice that. This someone is wearing the infamous hospital gown, is hooked to an IV, and has Nancy’s hair. Which is exceptionally weird, because Steve has always believed that no one could achieve that kind of volume. Especially while living in a hospital.

This someone is also, not unlike Steve, wrapped in several layers of dressings to shelter their burns from everything that’s bad in this world: infection, stares, more pain.

(Steve isn’t so certain about the last one, though. He sure is in a lot of pain at the moment.)

So someone is standing in the doorway, he’s positive. This someone is staring at him, their gaze curious and open, and it’s not a nurse, and it’s not a doctor. Partly that’s why Steve doesn’t believe that this person is even real at first. His visitors must wear gowns and gloves—something about it being too early to risk an infection. So despite the hair, it is not Nancy.

It’s a someone. Maybe. Probably. Steve doesn’t know—his eyes are barely open and he’s too high on painkillers to differentiate between dreams and reality. When the sweet numbness overwhelms him again, he has half a mind to say: Maybe it’s an angel, standing in my doorway.

***

As Steve’s recovery progresses (and the amount of painkillers he’s being pumped with decreases), he gets more and more aware of reality.

For starters, he learns that he’s not living some sort of fever dream. He was—is—a firefighter, who got pretty badly burned, and his sides, some parts of his belly, back and arms need very special and very expensive treatment. Hence the hospital bed, the gown, the dressings, meds, pain, et cetera. This burn center is going to be his home for the next few weeks, and Steve’s okay with that. It means that he got to save a life, even if his own was put at risk in the process.

He can live with that, definitely. With the scars and the pain, no problem. What’s killing him now is his own curiosity.

He hasn’t been seeing angels, turns out. He’s been seeing fellow patients – one patient in particular. That someone who hovered over the threshold when he first started his recovery. Steve’s been seeing him almost every day, taking slow steps across the hallway, dragging his IV behind him, the patchwork of dressings and scarring tissue changing frequently.

Without fail, each time this man passes Steve’s room, his steps slow down. Sometimes, he sends Steve a wink. On better days, Steve supposes, when the scarring on his cheek doesn’t bother him that much, he gives a flash of a smile. Even on the worst days, when walking serves as torture, he acknowledges Steve with a nod, like they know and respect each other.

Everything about him is a mystery to Steve, though. He, too, returns a small wave or a nod or anything, but he still half-believes he’s seeing things that aren’t there, so when this man with long, wavy hair and ridiculously brown eyes passes his room again, he can’t hold it back any longer.

“Beth, who’s that?” he asks. Beth, his nurse slash new hospital friend, looks over her shoulder. When she finally figures out what he means, she smiles.

“Isn’t that your angel?”

He looks at her completely mortified.

“Please, tell me you’ve just made that up.”

Beth laughs and adjusts the position of his bed. “Sorry, love. I’m afraid that everyone heard your delirious tirades about long-haired angels taking you to heaven.”

With how heavily her “everyone” implies everyone, he doesn't even have it in him to groan. He shouldn’t have listened to Robin when she told him that his high is one of the best things in the world.

***

“How come you never scream?”

Steve’s eyes have been shut tight for the whole time his doctor was poking and prodding around his wounds, but now they’re wide open and he, too, wants to ask himself that. How come he never screams? It’s the most pain he’s ever felt in his entire life. It’s ripping him apart, it’s eating him alive, it’s killing him, but he never screams.

He just keeps his eyes closed, waiting for it to be over. Thinking about Robin and his kids, about how he has to stay strong and never show fear because it’s his job to keep them safe and away from the pain even if—or maybe especially if—it comes with taking the pain on himself, bearing it, being torn by it. He keeps his eyes closed and doesn’t think about his failures or the times he was too late to save them; he keeps them shut because he knows that there are going to be more times when he’ll have to keep his eyes open to spot the danger ahead.

But his eyes are open now, open and staring at the man standing in his doorway, backlit and glowing like some non-human entity, asking him such a simple thing that will, without a doubt, make Steve circle down the drain when he’s alone again.

Steve doesn’t dare open his mouth. He’d scream if he tried, and he cannot afford to do that.

“Mr. Munson, you really shouldn’t be here right now.”

Steve shuts his eyes back again.

***

Steve’s recovery is slow, slower than anticipated. When he first got here, his doctors said he’d be able to walk soon-ish, but it’s way past “soon-ish” now and he’s still tied to his bed. It still hurts like hell, he’s still woozy from the painkillers, even though the strongest stuff is out of the question, he’s made sure of that. He’d rather feel everything than risk another embarrassing situation. Maybe it’s stupid, but that’s how it is.

Mainly, Steve just feels lonely. He’s allowed to have visitors, but they can’t stay with him as long as he’d like them to—mostly because they have lives outside of this hospital while Steve’s entire life is in this hospital. He’s lonely, he’s bored, and he’s envious out of his mind, because the man from his doorway gets his walks every day and Steve dreams of nothing but being able to move a little.

Each time Munson walks past his room, he stares. He can’t help it. He doesn’t have a mirror in here, but it’s painstakingly clear to him that he’s glaring daggers at a man that hasn’t done anything wrong. He’s just so jealous—his body aches, but it’s a different ache; it’s an ache of being still for too long. An ache of being out of the game. Steve hates being out of the game. It makes him come up with the worst possible scenarios—but he has to thank both his burns and his head trauma for the dizziness, weakness and total lack of coordination that keeps him from starting physio.

With each passing day, his stares get more daunting, but the man doesn’t stop sending him smiles and nods. He knows it’s irrational and unfair, taking out his own fears and anger on someone who can’t do anything about his situation, who’s in an equally shitty situation, actually, but he’s still working on not being mean without a reason. And it seems so harmless, because this stranger never stops smiling at him. No matter how much Steve tries, he can’t seem to convey his feelings, because Munson never stops.

It irritates him even more, enrages him to a point. When Munson smiles at him one day, Steve can’t take it anymore.

“Are you always this chirpy?” he asks, his voice dripping of malice. It disgusts him a little, makes him want to retreat—retreat far away from the version of himself that he dropped years ago, although it’s haunting him to this day. He wants to retreat, but he doesn’t. He pouts instead.

Munson stops in his tracks, raises one eyebrow. He looks amused, and it pisses Steve off.

“Your life must be quite miserable if walking around a hospital with unhealed wounds is your definition of chirpy,” Munson says. It’s supposed to sting, probably, but his smile is still there, despite his injured cheek. Steve’s pout deepens. Munson looks like a cat who got the cream. “Oof, soft spot. It’s okay, sweetheart,” he coos, looking like he’d like to lean against the doorframe, but his injured arm won’t let him. “We can be miserable—oh, sorry. Chirpy, we can be chirpy together.”

Steve doesn’t respond, he doesn’t know how. He feels warm all over. It’s not something he likes. He’d cross his arms over his chest if he could.

Munson stays silent for a moment, a smirk still playing on his lips. The quiet moment stretches out until he takes a big breath and takes a look around. “I’m Eddie, by the way. And I’m very, very late for my usual ‘walk as much as you can but be reasonable, Mr. Munson’ appointment, so I have to get going. But, uh,” he looks at Steve like he’s not sure of something for the first time in his life, even though he’s still playing along. “I could come around tomorrow, Mr…?”

“Steve,” comes the reply. Munson—Eddie smiles, again.

“Alright then, Mr. Steve. Get ready to be the chirpiest you’ve ever been.”

***

The worst thing is, it works. Steve does get chirpier.

It starts out small. Eddie just stops in front of the threshold, spits out the most random, obnoxious and seemingly nonsensical (although Steve suspects they’re all true) fact, like Did you know that cows have four stomachs? or Did you know that geckos can’t blink and they have to lick their own eyeballs to keep them from drying out? or something of sorts, and then he leaves while Steve lies in his bed, suspecting that he’s having hallucinations and fully questioning his sanity. Again.

It gets progressively worse, it does. It gets weirder. At first, Steve isn’t sure what to think of it. Eddie’s strange. He’s also a nerd. He talks in codes, his sentences are long and Steve finds it hard to follow his logic altogether from time to time. But he also makes Steve snort, sometimes even laugh—truly laugh, laugh from his belly. Eddie’s weird, but he’s Dustin-weird, Steve decides. Good-weird. Familiar-weird. Safe-weird.

He makes him feel less lonely. Steve invites him to sit beside his bed after a few days, so now Eddie comes, spits out his random nerdy facts, and they sit and talk around it until the nurses kick Eddie out for not doing his laps.

Steve’s less lonely. He’s so much less lonely he even starts missing Eddie when they’re not together—only a little, but he does. (He knows it’s dangerous. But what’s the harm in that if they’re both stuck here anyway? What’s the harm in a little hospital vulnerability?) It’s quite difficult not to miss Eddie, to be honest. Eddie makes it difficult—he listens when Steve talks, he never hesitates before explaining something when Steve doesn’t get it immediately, he’s patient, but at the same time, he talks so much. The room fills with intricate, engrossing stories and anecdotes whenever he opens his mouth.

The only moments when Steve feels even less less lonely than when he’s with Eddie is when he’s with Robin, and Robin’s the most important person in Steve’s life.

“Contraband,” Eddie says, sitting down on the edge of Steve’s bed one day. He puts something on Steve’s thing – cherry jello and a plastic spoon. His favorite. “Don’t rat me out.”

He smiles at Steve. His cheek is practically healed now; the scar isn’t as big as Steve imagined it from afar, but it sure as hell must have been a menace to get it more or less healed. That’s the only thing they don’t talk about. How they got here, how they got their scars. They support each other through it, but they never dwell.

At least Eddie doesn’t. Steve’s sure everyone knows his story – people love when firefighters let themselves get burned to a crisp while trying to save somebody else, after all, and gossip spreads around the hospital with the speed of plague.

“And get my best dealer behind bars?” Steve asks and scrapes a spoonful of jello from the cup. “They never have cherry. You’re the only one that seems to know where they store it.”

Eddie grins devilishly and leans a bit further. “Do you want to know a secret?” he asks and Steve mumbles something unintelligible in response. “I used to deal,” Eddie says. Steve’s not sure if he does it on purpose or not, but he starts playing with the hem of Steve’s sock, his fingers barely brushing the skin on Steve’s calf. It tingles, but he doesn’t mind.

Steve’s brows go up. “Is that how you got here?” he risks, not really knowing why. He’s not that curious—but it’s the scar on Eddie’s face that’s been haunting him for ages now. So different from his own forming scars, yet, in principle, the same.

Eddie’s face gets softer. Steve can’t recognize the expression properly, it’s different from Eddie’s usual, mischievous smirk. It’s quiet for the longest time, so quiet Steve thinks he’s going to choke on his jello from build-up pressure.

“I’m gay,” Eddie says, suddenly, his voice totally cool and leveled while Steve—

“I’m bi,” he blurts out in response, practically out of breath. To his absolute horror, Eddie chuckles.

“Well, that’s useful,” he says around his crooked smile, “but that’s not what I meant.”

When he points at his face, everything clicks. Steve tries to control his face, but the realization is too sudden.

“What?” he asks before he can think better of it.

Eddie shrugs. His expression is unreadable, but he isn't looking at Steve anymore, his eyes fixed on his own fingers that are still playing with Steve’s sock.

“My band has this one place for gigs that we all don’t really like, but they actually pay us some money. I’ve always thought that it’s enough – this and my arrogance, anyway – enough to scrape by. I’m not too cagey about being gay, and I wanted to spite them, I guess, show them that they can’t win,” he looks up. He looks sad, almost defeated, as much as Steve hates it. “They got their way, as you can see. Tried to pour something on me when I was leaving the stage, but they fucked up, both in terms of chemistry and their aim. It didn’t get me as bad as it could have, so I guess I won anyway.”

Eddie smiles again, but it reaches nowhere near his eyes. He looks so sad, so hurt, and Steve’s so, so angry. It’s easy for him to turn to anger, it’s easy and it’s freeing and he suddenly feels bigger and stronger than he really is, because he wants to destroy something, anything—but he’s not a fighter. He’s a protector. He’s not Nancy; he’s Steve. No matter how hopeless, how betrayed he feels, he doesn’t want to hurt. He wants to heal and save.

“It’s not your fault,” he says, afraid it’s too dumb and too obvious.

“I know,” Eddie replies impassively, looking at him from underneath his too long bangs.

“You said you wanted to spite them. But it doesn’t matter, it’s not your fault,” he drills. Eddie opens his mouth again, but before he gets to say anything, Steve squeezes his knee and looks at him intently. “It’s not,” he insists. “Whatever you said or did, it never mattered. They would have done it even if you’d praised them, you were never the problem.”

Eddie scoffs, but it’s not malicious. His eyes are a little bit glassy. “So you’re saying I’m perfect?”

For some reason, Steve doesn’t have a problem with reading that. Please, let’s not talk about it now. Then foreign fingers graze his own, and he gets it. Thank you, though.

Steve sighs, something tugging at the corners of his lips. The change of topic makes this both heavier and lighter at the same time. He flicks his spoon at Eddie and aims perfectly between his eyebrows.

“Bring me more jello tomorrow and maybe I’ll grace you with saying that out loud.”

“So you’ve thought—”

“Shut up, Eddie.”

Their fingers intertwine in the silence that follows. They look at each other like they can see each other and suddenly, Steve feels the weight of this moment. They’re not strangers anymore—maybe they have never been strangers. Maybe this was meant to happen from the very beginning. He most probably wasn’t seeing angels a few weeks back, but whatever it was that he saw hovering over his threshold, it’s just entered his house and is, hopefully, planning to stay for longer.

#tw for homophobia mention towards the end!!#pining #ok no guys. i do not know what this is lol #matching scars #it's their trope.... in every universe #steve harrington #eddie munson #steddie #stranger things #st4 #steddie fic #steve x eddie #firefighter steve #modern au #hospital au #god how is that a thing #listen. i did the research but i've also watched too many episodes of grey's anatomy for my own good so this is 100% not accurate #let me live out the delusions #i've been scribbling down bits and pieces of this one for so long it just needs to see the light of day

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kesarijournal · 9 months ago

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The Grand WTO's Food, Fishing, and Farming Fiasco

Welcome to the latest drama that’s more tangled than your earphones in a pocket – the World Trade Organization’s (WTO) ongoing saga involving a cast of nations with India and South Africa in leading roles, and a contentious plot over food, fishing, and farming subsidies. Set against the backdrop of Abu Dhabi’s Ministerial Conference, our story unfolds with India and South Africa uniting to…

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hauntedselves · 2 years ago

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Steele's Notes on NPD

NPD vs BPD

Generally have less capacity than BPD to mentalize, lack more insight, have more difficulty recalling early abuse/neglect, have less empathy toward others

Severely avoidant of genuine connection;

May need to keep a power differential in the relationship

Don’t respond well to being reassured that they are “human” and “normal,” unlike most borderline clients.

Classic NPD symptoms & behaviours

Arrogant, entitled, critical, controlling, lacks empathy

Inflated “self” is a defense against shame and devalued “self”

Experiences related to devalued self are completely avoided or denied

Generally are unable to acknowledge devalued self

Therapist should not explicitly confront the defense

Acknowledge that it might be lonely and challenging to feel that no one else is good enough

Explore any perceived disadvantages to the defense

Fragile NPD

Alternate between grandiosity and inadequacy

Unhappy, critical of others, anxious, envious, competitive, and have extreme reactions to perceived slights or criticism

Tend to obsessively compare themselves with others

Strong perfectionism

Have narcissistic defenses that work well until they are criticized or rejected

Can access their devalued self: therapist can focus on root causes of devalued self

Reversed NPD

Strong belief and need to be the worst, the sickest, the most traumatized patient

Underlying need to be special, but due to dysfunction, not adequacy

Strong need for validation and compassion

Therapist focuses on emotional validation and less on content of distress

Encourage client to communicate through more positive experiences and affect (compassionately shift focus from negative to positive experiences

Treatment approaches for NPD

Trauma-based in many clients

Certainly affected by quality of early relationships (neglect)

Work with conflicting idealized and devalued selves

Work with inner critic and perfectionism

Mentalization based treatment

Transference based psychotherapy

Dialectical behavior therapy

EMDR and other approaches to resolve early traumatic memories (often not explicitly accessible in the narcissistic patient)

Treatment approaches in Fragile NPD

Identify the conflicting idealized and devalued selves

Help client notice swings between the two

Help client recognize the distortions in both

“I suffer more than anyone; my abuse was the worst; I am completely damaged”

Versus

“I could have been and should be the best”

Help client deal with relentless inner critic

From Kathy Steele’s presentation 'Integrating Personality Disorders in our Work with Complex Trauma and Dissociation' (PDF), 18 August 2021, Delphi Centre.

[Transcribed from a PowerPoint presentation without notes; therefore this post is without context]

#npd #npd info #pd info #kathy steele #trauma and personality disorders #pds and trauma #dogpost #bpd vs npd #npd vs bpd

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blubberquark · 6 months ago

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The Opposite of Expert Systems

Back before the AI Winter, there was a lot of research into Expert Systems. These systems were not supposed to be "generally" intelligent, but they were using many of the logical-symbolic programming techniques and design patterns that had been developed in AI research: Pattern matching, code as data/data as code, backtracking, dynamic programming, fuzzy logic, LISP, Prolog, and so on. Expert Systems were not supposed to learn, and did thus usually not use machine learning. Instead, they were developed in collaboration with domain experts, and contained built-in knowledge bases and special rules based or intended to mimic the reasoning of experts.

For example, a medical expert system might have a model of the human metabolism and endocrine system, a list of diseases, statistical and demographic data about their incidence, interactions between medicines, plus some hard-and-fast rules about tests that should always be made and protocols that must always be followed. Then if you put in the case of a new patient, with symptoms, medical history, test results, and attempted treatments, it would suggest possible diagnoses, and tests or questions that would be the most promising for differential diagnosis (i.e. to rule out as many possible causes as efficiently as possible). Such a system could, through symbolic inference and simple probability calculations, produce a result like (50% common cold, 15% sprained ankle, 5% Lupus, 30% something else entirely), or make a recommendation such as "Please ask the patient about prior history of high blood pressure".

It's not that difficult to program the reasoning part. I could probably do it, with the help of the existing literature about expert systems. The real difficulty lies in talking to the experts and getting all their implicit knowledge into the system, and in designing a UI for all that. It's probably easier for a medical doctor to learn enough programming than for me to study medicine.

Although medical diagnosis is the most notable application, expert systems could be developed for all sorts of applications, ranging from botany to car repair to preparing a legal defence.

Expert systems worked. They just weren't all that useful in practice. Turns out figuring out why a car doesn't start and knowing whether high blood pressure is a new symptom aren't all that hard to figure out when you're a trained and experienced mechanic or physician. Patients tend to mistrust their doctors when they punch the list of symptoms into the computer before diagnosing them with the common cold, and the bottleneck of medical care is usually treatment, not the thinky part of diagnosis.

Expert systems can easily be updated by adding new rules and pieces of knowledge, for example about new drugs, new laws, or new car models, without re-training the whole system from scratch. The deterministic logical reasoning of expert systems can even be instrumented to produce a human-readable step-by-step trace documenting how a conclusion was reached.

After perfecting expert systems, we stopped making and using them.

Large language models are the opposite of all that. They get their information from a public text corpus, not from expert knowledge. They do not use logical/symbolic inference, but machine learning. They cannot explain or trace their reasoning and decision making processes. They cannot be easily debugged. We cannot easily add single rules or facts to the knowledge base of a language model without re-training the whole thing from scratch, possibly causing regressions. Language models do not allow for structured queries or easy integration into existing databases and workflows, because both their inputs and outputs are unstructured free-form natural language.

Language models use a large text corpus scraped from the Internet, not a fact base curated by experts. Their reasoning is purely correlational and syntactic.

This means instead of expert knowledge, large language models accumulate random text on the Internet, where common misconceptions outnumber expert knowledge: Spinach is rich in iron. Goji berries are a superfood, unlike blueberries.

How would you fix that? How can you make a LLM that has expert knowledge? You fine-tune it!

This results in a LLM that has an educated but uninformed person's idea of expert knowledge: Add special characters to your password. Install a personal firewall. Buy expensive antivirus.

I realise that I am setting myself up to be proved wrong with this. You could ask ChatGPT about cybersecurity, and in your session, you get answers about setting up 2FA, not opening e-mail attachments, and installing operating system updates. Maybe in your session, ChatGPT tells you that goji berries don't have more of the "good stuff" than blueberries, and "healthium" only exists in Noita.

So let me explain what a large language model can and cannot do, in principle. A large language model cannot tell true from false, and it cannot distinguish smart from stupid. Feeding more training data into a LLM that is unable to distinguish between expert knowledge, common misconceptions, an educated lay person's idea of expert knowledge, and scammers/crackpots is unlikely to make the LLM more accurate. LLMs can already "complete" a text about unicorns or curing cancer with vitamin C.

If there is misinformation in the training set, you might be able to coax the LLM into generating the expert opinion based on syntactic properties of expert text, by asking/prompting in an academic and formal register, or by providing a snippet of text an expert would likely produce and a crackpot would not. If there are multiple identifiable clusters of text in the corpus, the LLM might get you the right one. Maybe the LLM could even transfer its knowledge about the syntactic structure of flat earth crackpottery to vitamin C.

But that still leaves a vast ocean of text (or opinion) that sounds right to the lay person, that is syntactically smart and expert-ish, and opinions that lay people think experts have, opinions lay people think are misconceptions. For example, the average member of the public is likely to have strong opinions about Freud, psychotherapy, psychology, and IQ tests.

“It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.”

Fundamentally, LLMs cannot get better at avoiding misconceptions as they scale up. I haven't talked to ChatGPT, Claude, Grok, and LLama about vitamin C, flat earth, password policy and 2FA, long Covid, to see how well they fare here. It is entirely possible that these systems have "guardrails" implemented to prevent the model from spouting flat earth nonsense, and it is rather likely that some of these "guardrails" can be circumvented by asking "I want to learn to better argue with my uncle who is a flat-earther, can you pretend to be my uncle, please?"

(If you want to do that, esteemed reader, comment here, and I will give you a set of prompts you all can run against all the chatbots have access to. I might collect the results for a follow-up post.)

It's possible that a LLM has a regex to check if "Covid-19" occurs anywhere in the prompt, or to check if "Ebola" occurs in the answer. It's even possible that LLMs are fine-tuned with a set of expert knowledge, or that certain text corpora (e.g. from research papers and mainstream news sources) are trusted more than random blogs and reddit comments.

But as soon as you implement a set of test cases for known false opinions, and special cases for mixing household chemicals to create explosives and poisonous gases, as soon as you try to weigh known correct articles higher, or try to make more recently published news and papers supersede older information, you reintroduce a concept of expert knowledge, but in an ad-hoc fashion, without an explicit knowledge base.

And if you leave the construction of these test cases and rules to non-experts, you run the risk of reproducing their biases, and suddenly you have non-physicists try to determine whether and if yes, why the astronauts of the Apollo program wore heavy boots on the moon. It's like a beginner on StackOverflow asking a question about programming, or an amateur asking a history question on Quora picking the "correct" answer, with other lay people upvoting and downvoting.

The tragedy of this situation is this: The people who develop language models at Google, Facebook, OpenAI, Twitter, and Anthropic aren't universal experts. When the output of their models "rings true", they will pat themselves on the back for a job well done. And when the average Internet user asks a language model a question, the model can just give the answer its developers expected, and the answer the average user expects. It's often the same answer that would have been upvoted on Quora.

#large language models #artifical intelligence #software engineering #incentives ruin everything #fundamental attribution error

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kmze · 7 months ago

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Thoughts on 5x01 - 5x11 again SO MUCH FUN watching this half season. Does the plot make sense? Not really. Was it a compelling storyline? Not so much. Did I laugh a lot? YOU BETCHA! The thing with this season (at least this half) is you cannot take it seriously, it is the most this show has ever been "meta" because this was just episode after episode of laughing at the Triangle of Doom. I would say DE got it the worse but even SE got hits against it too. Stefan was mocked by having amnesia Stefan point out all his worst qualities. Damon was mocked relentlessly via his insecurity. Elena was mocked by being the flip flopper that she is. It was beautiful. Silas and Tessa were great as scorned lovers/enemies and I truly enjoyed the doppelgänger shenanigans. Amnesia Stefan you will always be famous! Of course there's bad stuff, like Bonnie's storyline and Jesse's treatment and sadly that's not surprising because Dries (racist) was in charge. I touch on all of this below!

5x01

LMFAO at Elena’s little shimmy

Damon is such a moron that is obviously not Stefan, when would Stefan ever say “Chateau Salvatore” thank god Jeremy could tell. Katherine too like when has Stefan EVER blatantly flirted with her like that, but Katherine was just thinking with her downstairs brain I understand.

Poor Caroline, but at least Jesse is smoking hot.

Random observation: last season the beginning of the season did not look like it was filmed in the summer like every other season and I've always kind of wondered why that is. I think I read somewhere that they continued filming the beginning of S4 when S3 ended and that's why you never get the summer attire in S4 like we do here again in S5.

5x02

Elena coughing up blood/water after kissing Stefan keeps happening and it’s so mean LMFAO

CRYING at the camera angle and lighting of “Stefan” seeing Elena and her getting all googly-eyed at him and then hanging up on Damon. Serves him right for not telling her! Silas causing problems with Delena almost instantly, amazing no notes.

Katherine shooting Silas YAS QUEEN

This scene LMFAO!!! The fact that they made thinking about Stefan be the thing that stops Elena from trying to kill Damon is just a hilariously mean thing to do to Damon!

Caroline’s face seeing Damon and Elena in what looks like some weird sex thing DEAD.

Paul does a good job of differentiating Silas from Ripper Stefan. They’re both evil of course but Silas has more calmness to him and more quips whereas Ripper Stefan is chaotic and mocking.

Lexi changed clothes on the other side so why can’t Bonnie!

5x03

Katherine and Silas are having way too much fun making Damon feel insecure about Stelena and I truly love it!

Stefan saying he didn’t want to turn his humanity off so he could be himself when he murdered Silas. Classic Stefan! Revenge is his biggest motivation in life I swear.

The doppelgänger curse (aka creating shadow selves every 100-ish years because of Silas and Amara) is good mythology, I thought it was a good reason to explain the existence of doppelgängers. But I also think it hurt some of the special-ness that Stelena had because it cheapens the fate part about it (and that’s before we find out it’s a literal spell pulling them together). Tessa saying she watched versions of S&E fall in love over and over the last 2000 years makes it feel like it’s predetermined destiny, which is a weakness against a ship IMO. It actually gives more power to Delena because having a love that conquers destiny is a great trope. I'm not even sure the writers meant to make this hurt SE at first because I don't think they like DE either. I know Dries was the showrunner this season and it's hard to understand what she likes when it comes to the triangle (her fav is Katherine that's all I understand about her). Everyone always thinks it's DE but LOL the person who wrote this season does NOT like DE I assure you. It would make sense she'd think this storyline is strong for SE on paper, but in tone it's not. It's like she cut her nose despite her face.

Delena being described by Tessa "like a soap opera, but boring and with no volume control" best description ever!

Silas saying his doppelgänger's face makes him wanna vomit THEY JUST KEEP GOING!

I like that they almost made you believe Damon was going to leave Stefan there lol, but even Damon isn't that selfish.

This season is just one big kinda mean commentary on the show and I love it LMFAO. I can see why it’s hated because it’s not really an intriguing plot as far as forward movement (I mean Silas' motivation is to die). But I'd be lying if I said the way it’s being used to mock and almost break the fourth wall isn't giving me so much joy. I guess I’d describe it as camp? Like Silas said messy but fun to watch.

5x04

Am!Stefan not remembering Elena’s name and the look on her face ADXSFXGGGKKHK (this episode makes me so incredibly petty)!

Again, Damon worst sober sponsor ever.

I’m sorry but Elena is cracking me up the way she is GLOWING at making Am!Stefan remember when he bumped into her. The way she spreads her fingers over his chest DEAD! Her excitement at molding her Stefan back together with only the pieces she wants... I have never seen her more alive!

"Whenever someone tells me I can’t do something I prove them wrong" her life’s motto!!!

Am!Stefan being like “I need time to process that I let my girlfriend drown” I KNOW RIGHT? It’s so crazy isn’t it you’re just like flabbergasted.

Sometimes this show just hits my narrative and this episode is it baby! Am!Stefan knowing Caroline’s full name (unlike Elena), that she’s his best friend and BLATANTLY flirting with her saying she’s much hotter in person (the way he totally checks her out a few times too) THAT'S THE STUFF. Then you’ve got Caroline being the only one who actually stops the ripper because she reminds Stefan who HE is, not who she is (because just to point out again she didn't have to because he studied her pictures and knew her instantly!!!) Damon and Elena on the other hand keep telling him who they are (which is a bunch of liars) and that’s why Stefan trusts her and not them. Their scene in the crypt is so nice too, it's one of the first times they get a scene like this with the hand holding, the comforting emphasis, and a beautiful shot on the bench. Plus Am!Stefan staring at Caroline's lips *swoon* you can really tell he has a crush on Caroline.

This Bonnie memorial is so infuriating I can't believe this Bonnie is dead for 8(!!!) episodes was a plot.

5x05

This shows racism towards black characters is really disgusting the more you become aware of it. I swear everytime a character is cast that’s going to get tortured or brutally murdered they are always black. Luka, Jonah, Aja, Connor and now Jesse. There’s no way it was a coincidence.

Nina’s physical comedy as human Katherine is just perfect!

The costumes Caroline picked ARE KILLING ME! First having her and Tyler as Bonnie and Clyde because they almost ran away together (and perhaps a part of her knows they’re doomed like B&C). Having Damon and Elena as Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn because she hates Damon and thinks he’s so bad for Elena he’ll get her head chopped off LMFAO. And then Stefan as JAMES FRIGGIN' DEAN can’t make this up, I know I keep saying this but amazing, no notes.

CTFU at Am!Stefan TOTALLY IGNORING Tyler when he asks Caroline to dance with him, like even with amnesia he knows he doesn’t fuck with Tyler. Am!Stefan’s face when he twirls her HE IS SO SMITTEN (and so is she if we’re being honest), James Dean daydream look indeed.

EL OH EL Silas trying to get Tessa to admit that she’s still in love with him. Honestly Silas your doppelgänger is way better at this, Stefan would have gotten that confession no sweat.

Poor Forwood but honestly I do think this makes sense and neither of them is really wrong, they are both acting like themselves. It makes sense Tyler can't just let Klaus walk away after what he did, and he especially can't deal with Klaus giving him permission to be with Caroline. Caroline on the other hand wants to move forward with her life and as far as she's concerned Klaus is out of sight out of mind. Caroline's also not a big revenge person, I don't think she's ever cared enough to enact revenge on someone (with humanity of course).

Amnesia or not Stefan will always be smarter than Damon.

5x06

For my own sanity I’m not even gonna pay attention to scenes talking about the cure and how it works because I’m STILL not over that bullshit in S8.

Silas again being the audience surrogate and pointing out how SUPER WEIRD it is that Defan keep falling in love with THE SAME FACE!

KATHOLINE TEAM-UP!! You know Caroline enjoyed slamming her against the wall after Katherine used her as her lackey in S2.

Crazy bitch kinda is Stefan’s type ASASCDHGHKKHH

God I love the Katholine team-up.

KATHERINE’S CHURCH HAIR!! I’m not even kidding I have tears in my eyes. This is the BEST! Omg Aaron is so much more smitten with Katherine than Elena, but like she’s absolutely adorable how could you not be!

Am!Stefan being like "I didn't think you deserved to be killed" translating to "I will always protect you Elena, memories or not" is an impressive delulu journey Elena has decided to take. She was acting like he was dead because he wanted to talk to Caroline and not her! Elena he has amnesia, he doesn't have the script anymore for the persona he's supposed to be performing.

Tessa was trying to do God’s work too getting Stefan to let go of Damon but he never learns!

5x07

Elena get out of your ex-boyfriend's bedroom JFC she’s so desperate.

Tessa kinda the best vindictive bitch ever! Janina Gavankar is also a beautiful and stunning woman who is just a pleasure to look at. But why was she so cold to Bonnie? Dries again I'm sure...

THANK GOD BONNIE IS ALIVE AGAIN!

Elena's thought process about this speech she gives Stefan is something else... I just don't know what kind of delusional narcissist you have to be to think this was a good way to ask if someone is okay. Stefan absolutely looks done with her too lol. This is the season where Stefan's facade from the earlier season really starts to come down. He doesn't want to be the person in his journals anymore.

5x08

FINALLY THAT HIDEOUS WIG IS GONE!

Oh look! Stefan not telling anyone he needs help, something new and different for him! /sarcasm

Matty Blue-Blue might be my favorite nickname ever used on this show and there’s a lot so that’s saying something!

I love how much Caroline embraced being a teacher for baby vamps! Makes her endgame even better!

Caroline is right why couldn’t Elena just snap his neck or just not stab him in the heart stab his back shoulder.

One thing about Stefan he has never seen a crazy bitch in danger that he didn’t want to save. I do really enjoy Steferine with human Katherine because it gave all the power to Stefan since she can’t physically hurt him anymore. It’s kind of like the scene in the series finale where Caroline comforts human Damon because he can’t hurt her anymore and she doesn't need to be afraid.

They really had to interrupt Bonnie’s first SEX SCENE EVER IN 5 FUCKING YEARS so she could scream in agony because the show killed another black character. Dries you will never see heaven!

Gee I don’t know Elena when is someone supposed to get over the fact that they were abused and raped by your fucking boyfriend. And you laughed about it with him! Never? I’m gonna go with never. And yes I realize it’s a bit hypocritical to enjoy Steferine and hate Daroline when they both have the same consent and rape issues. I fully admit Katherine is a rapist too. Stefan might be over it, Caroline is not and that's what matters to me.

5x09

I like that Katherine knew to ask Caroline for help knowing the other morons would be no good.

I know the answer is “plot reasons” but how did Damon not immediately recognize Whitmore when Elena started going to college there or even last year when he visited it?

Enzo… yeah *falls asleep*

Not to defend Stefan because I still think he’s an idiot for not seeing that Caroline had feelings for him. But he hears this whole conversation Caroline and Katherine are having where Katherine asks if they’ve slept together and Caroline is appalled like no absolutely not we are friends and I’m just saying! It makes sense why he never thought she did with scenes like this. Mostly because Stefan compartmentalizes people but that’s a topic for later this season. Katherine though bless her heart is not blind and can obviously tell these two feel a tingle for each other.

Not sure how intentional this was but I like the parallel back to the scene in 5x07 where Stefan said when the safe opened he wanted Damon and Elena to be the ones he saw. And now that he went back into the safe to get over his PTSD from that (and their betrayal) the person he sees when the safe opens up is Caroline.

5x10

Katherine’s exhilaration at sleeping with Stefan CTFU I can’t help it, she’s too much!

I love how little Elena is wearing essential what S1/2 Elena used to wear.

Feels like they just implied Grayson was testing if vampire blood could cure cancer. Would have been good to check on that next season folks!

Stefan starting off on the wrong foot with Enzo already LMFAO

Anytime they try and make Matt more relevant to a plot I instantly zone out from that plot. Case in point, I have no idea what is going on with the passengers and travelers and all I really know about Nadia is she’s Katherine’s daughter.

OMG Elena torched her Dad’s experiments! Important information what are you doing!?! I guess that’s why they don’t check next season.

5x11

Caroline throwing a breakup breakfast because Delena broke up is why she is my favorite character ever!

Stefan is so sanctimonious lol.

I like how they reminded me how awful Klaus is with the Katherine flashback before he has sex with Caroline. This show.

OMG Damon is insufferable! First his list of evil things Katherine did are all things HE did and now he's just torturing her because he's mad he broke up with Elena??? Can we just put him in the '94 prison world now I need him gone.

Stefan really switched from heartbroken to team Delena in like 3 episodes lol. I get it was the PTSD and we gotta speed stuff up but it did not take long. Another moment of "what are people talking about on Reddit" because they are always like "it took Stefan so long to move on from Elena" IT TOOK 3 EPISODES!

It's kind of amazing how many parallels and mirroring storylines Stefan and Caroline get with each other (these gifsets illustrate it well (x) (x)) but I really like how Steferine and Klaroline are used similarly for Stefan and Caroline in their journeys (these gifsets are great (x) (x)) and this season shows that a lot. Klaus and Katherine were both looking for love confessions from Caroline and Stefan respectively and while they sleep with their admirer/abuser they don't give them a love confession in return (because they don't love them). There's even the Klefan and Katholine connection as they are both used as their lackeys (Stefan in S3 and Caroline in S2) but then they also have a kind of understanding with each other. They both show pity for Katherine in this episode and they both felt remorse for betraying Klaus in 4x09. If this had actually been Katherine's death it was similar the Klaroline's ending on TO, with Caroline giving Klaus the date in NOLA and kissing him goodbye. Stefan sleeps with Katherine after she helped him through his PTSD, then he gives her peace with the memory before she dies (he thinks). Too bad the show had to RUIN that!

Look Stefan has his flaws (manipulative, enables Damon, can be a dick, serial killer) but one thing I love about him is he has a willingness to forgive the unforgivable. He didn't have to give Katherine peace after everything she had done but he did. I think it does come from a place of he believes everyone can be saved because he wants to believe he can be saved, but I also think he has a lot of empathy (at least for women).

The Katherine twist was great I will give them that, she's a survivor!

Lines that made me laugh:

Am!Stefan: I think I still need to be drunk to understand this story (REAL I chose edibles instead but YMMV)

Katherine: So are you part of the secret society? You know the "Society" (SHE KILLS ME)

Tyler: You're the hottest serial killer here (LMFAO the levels to this line are what makes me laugh the most)

#tvd rewatch #tvd spoilers #anti-stelena for ts #anti-delena for ts #anti-steferine for ts #anti-klaroline for ts #kinda sort of #it was mostly just commentary on them #but none of its really positive #so again don’t want to get murdered #k rewatches tvd

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