#Sorry for the vent posts lately im just feeling miserable

[korgk49]

my stomach hurts so bad and im dizzy and im so so so shaky and i miss my boyfriend and i miss my dad and my mom wont take me to urgent care and i dont know what to do and i just want to have someone care enough about me feeling sick to do something about it

[hishighnesstheprincess]

. Vent post in tags

[syscultureis]

Vent AS HELL, no need to post this btw. TWs for abuse and general traumatic events

System culture is, yes im a system. No, i wasnt SAed as a kid or anything else singlets think when i say DID. i witnessed domestic abuse, cheating, fights, was harassed by both my peers and the ones that shouldve taken care of me since i was introducted to a social space, i watched verbal abuse turn physical then psychological. i dropped out at 5th grade because of "bullying"(AKA a word to cover up the fact kids can abuse other kids). i grew up isolated and scared. i wasted my teenagery and am pretty much a "late bloomer" on many aspects. gave myself a second chance only to feel just as miserable as before. i went through medical and psych neglect. i still waste my trust on others just to watch them leave and proceed to relive my own past abandonment. i watch situations i thought were exclusive to this one age and time frame happen again and again and realize no, im still not safe. Maybe ill never be. i feel bad for wanting to inflict harm on those who harmed me but i think about that everyday. i remember them even though theyve long forgotten me.

Long story short, theres more than one way a childs brain can be impacted by trauma. its not a competition and no one should feel "not valid" because their trauma "wasnt as bad as someone elses" and im sick of hearing that. "oh i thought you had it worse" fuck off and die <3333 anyways sorry if this is a bit too much im just tired and hesitant to post this but here we go.

- Plague 🕸

.

[onlyplatonicirl]

im sorry if this is kind of like a vent post a little bit but i just want to get it off my chest

Interacting with utmv tumblr lately has been giving me anxiety. I feel scared that like, everyone hates me even though I literally do nothing except write my fic and I just try to be friendly and kind to everyone who also likes all the sans undertales but then other people get mad at me for being kind to the "wrong" people, which is how i got put on a "proshipper" list despite not being a proshipper and strongly disliking problematic content.

I'm scared of utmv "antis" because i see so many people's blogs where they talk CONSTANTLY about hating proshitters and find joy in starting drama, which is a horrible and extremely detrimental mentality to have. I thought we were here to enjoy utmv, not... shittalk everyone we dont like. I'm scared of utmv "proshippers" because i dont want to be associated with or see dark content or anything nsfw at all because i am very uncomfortable, I just.

Want to be normal. I want to have fun. I want to be a nice person. I feel like everyone hates each other and has so much underlying beef with each other and whenever I reblog art I get nervous if the artist secretly hates me or something.

tldr im just really tired. Nothing happened to prompt this im just. H.

if you have beef with each other thats fine but like. dont drag me into it, please just block other people you dont like, callout blogs and callout posts dont do anything except create food fights unless you have solid proof of someone being a genuine piece of shit (a groomer, a transphobe, yadda yadda).

I've never understood the need to constantly complain about things. It drives me away because it makes me miserable. I hate dreammare but I don't even think you could keyword-search a single result about it on my blog if you tried. Because I just don't talk about it at all. Which I don't understand why it isn't the norm.

In my life I've lived I've grown so tired of anger and hatred, I've been surrounded in it to the point where it makes me sick, and i cannot hold onto it for more than an hour. I don't hold grudges, I don't hate, and if I dislike someone I will just not talk to them because I would rather stick dynamite up my nose than be the cause of online drama and shittalking. There are a few people on this platform that I strongly dislike and think should not have a platform due to their actions but I don't want to engage in war. I'm not interested.

Drama is not fun and it never has been when it's over things that don't matter. If you find it fun you need to severely re-evaluate yourself.

again this isn't directed at anything in particular i just dont like being nervous all the time.

[puffpasstea]

hiii I love all your writing! it really makes me feel some type of way 💖🥲 I was wondering if you would be willing to write something about y/n feeling like her friends are using her (to get to harry, $$$, or for clout) and Harry is comforting y/n. Or something like y/n feels left out at a Hollywood party with all of Harry’s friends?

im going thru a rough time with my friendships and kind of feeling lonely. no pressure though 💖 thank you for being a source of joy during this time 🥺🫶🏻

Hi babes! Thanks so much for your lovely message 🥰🥰 and I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I’ve been where you are. It hurts no matter how you try to rationalize it. Please know that my inbox is always open if you need a friend, or just to vent. I hope this little one shot helps somehow. Let me know what you think! ���

—

She plumped down on the barstool, tucked away in the shadowy corner of the room, letting her feet dangle and hover over the floor. Those heels were killing her. She glanced across the room, scanning the crowd of faces for Harry’s comforting eyes. He was standing in between Jeff and some really old guy in a suit, the grin on his face slowly growing until his dimples appeared. At this distance, she had no idea what he was actually saying, but she liked to imagine that he was telling a joke, judging by his face, that’s usually what he looks like when he’s laughing at his own joke before he’s even reached the punchline. She was glad to see that he was at least having fun. Because she’d be lying if she said that these kinds of events felt fun for her.

Tagging along to these parties increased her sad and admiration for Harry. It always made her proud to see him in “work mode.” This wasn’t even what he normally does for a living. Giant parties like these were usually hosted by the record label, designed to make really rich, really old people feels important enough and respected enough to convince them to invest their buckets of money into musicians’ tours. Someone needed to pay the insurance companies, purchase the bands’ equipment, pay the crew, and fund the millions of things -big and small- that went into carrying out an entire tour. Learning this gave her a better understanding of why, to make it in an industry like this, you need more than just a pretty voice and a little bit of hard work. But as proud as she was of Harry, she couldn’t help but feel like an outsider in moments like this.

Harry always wanted her to feel included, so he would keep his arm hooked into hers, introduce her to his team and investors, and whisper any background information into her ear to catch her up to speed. She loved witnessing first-hand how he was good at remembering a CEO’s 4-year-old daughter’s favorite cartoon, or how he complimented an ancient rich lady on her brooch. She found his ability to make everyone feel important to him weirdly attractive. But, when Harry and his friends would so quickly fall in and out of industry talk, making inside jokes or using technically lingo, she often found herself feeling weird. Like she was an anchor weighing him down. His constant need to keep an arm around her waist, or to explain a joke to her, or rephrase something in a way that she would understand, it made her wonder if he wouldn’t be more present in the moment if she wasn’t trailing behind him, so she found a quiet place to sit and admire him from a distance, hoping he’d be too engrossed in his friends’ conversations to notice her absence.

She pulled out her phone to check the time. It was almost midnight. She could pass the time by scrolling through her phone, but it would honestly just make her more miserable. Scrolling through Instagram posts of people that felt so far away would just hurt.

Perhaps this whole thing wouldn’t be on her mind if things in her own friendship were different. The truth was that some of her most important relationships have felt nonexistent lately. Which made her more conscious of how she related to people. Often even wondering if she had some invisible flaw that she’s failing to see, or if she was too stubborn to realize that she was unintentionally pushing people away. It felt like her relationship with Harry had altered the way that people saw her. Friends that she had had for quite sometime, and honestly thought would hold on to forever, were now gone without a real explanation. It was like they’d decided on her behalf that she no longer needed them. They began acting different around her, gradually growing colder and more indifferent. It was difficult to come to the realization that, if they would treat her this way, maybe they weren’t really friends in the first place. Maybe they only liked having her around to make them feel better about themselves and seeing her happy, successful, and in a relationship with someone like Harry was doing the exact opposite of making them feel good. So, they no longer had any use for her.

She felt a lump form in her throat. At least ending friendships in this way was better than the opposite. The people who’d never actually liked her, never treated her with any respect at all, and never bothered to hide their feelings about her suddenly “reconnecting” with her because they found out who her boyfriend is. How did things get so fucked up and why hadn’t she noticed until it was too late?

“There you are!” The feeling of Harry’s soft lips kissing her cheek yanked her out of her spiral. “How’re you, darlin’?” He smiled, grabbing the stool next to her and ordering a drink. He still had a smile on his face and seemed to be giggling to himself.

The look he was giving her forced her to smile back. “What’s so funny?”

“Oh, it’s- it’s nothing Mitch was just telling a funny story over there.” Harry chuckled at the memory of the encounter. “Anyway, where’d you run off to? I looked behind me and you’d vanished.”

She waited for a moment, considering just telling him the truth but she didn’t want to burden him. He was clearly having a good time. And he’d earned it. He’d been working so hard lately; a night out with his favorite people is what he needs. Besides, she liked that Harry felt comfortable enough to introduce her to his friends and bring her to industry events. She didn’t want to make him feel bad about it.

“N-nowhere, I- my heels are just too much. Probably should’ve worn a different shoe tonight.”

Harry’s brows furrowed. “Oh, I’m so sorry, baby. Wanna go home?”

“Oh- no, no. Don’t worry about me. I’m good just staying right here. You go, have fun.”

Harry wasn’t having it. She should’ve expected it. He wasn’t the kind of person to just abandon her after she’d admitted to being in pain. Instead of going back out there, he brought the party over to her. Within minutes, Mitch, Sarah, Pauli, some assistants from the wardrobe department and a few drum techs were gathered around her previously private corner. They’d ordered some appetizers and sat around telling stories from past tours, making plans to visit the landmarks and hidden gems of certain cities they were touring, and recalling the time someone had intentionally re-tuned Mitch’s guitar and fucked up his string-matching.

For the whole night, Harry’s hands were on her thigh, glancing at her in between conversations and casually kissing the top of her head. She felt selfish for not having fun. After all he does for her, and after he’s forced everyone to hang out at the bar so she can be included. She still felt like an outsider looking in. What the hell was wrong with her?

The ride home was quiet. Harry asked her if she wanted to take her shoes off and stretch her legs but she’d just hummed a quiet “no,” looking out the window of the passengers seat to avoid his eyes.

She stood in the bathroom, getting ready for bed and trying to shake the feeling of intense isolation that had clung to her. She wished she could wipe it off the way she’d just wiped off her makeup. Maybe if she just went to bed and started fresh tomorrow?

Harry called her name “come over here and give me a cuddle alreadyyyy.”

She made her way to the bed where he’d been plopped, reading a book as he waited for her. The goofy smile on his face disappeared as soon as he saw her. “What’s the matter, baby?”

“N-nothing.” Her voice betrayed her, already breaking. It’s just that the softness of Harry’s voice and the concern in his eyes threw her off. The tears that she’d been pushing away all night were now stinging the corners of her eyes, threatening to spill over.

“Not nothing.” Harry asserted, reaching for the side of her hip and gesturing for her to come closer.

“It’s dumb. Please just forget it, Harry.” She pressed her palms to her eyes, wiping the tears away.

“It’s not dumb if it’s got you this upset, honey.”

“I- I just wish-“

Harry said nothing, his eyebrows shoot upward.

“I wish I wasn’t so lonely all the time.”

Harry felt his heart split in half at her words and the simplicity with which she’d said them. He wondered how long she’d felt this way. If the feeling just rolled off her tongue like that, it had to have been sitting in the pit of her stomach for a while.

“Lonely?” Was all he could say.

She just nodded, tears now unashamedly rolling down her face.

Harry was now replaying all the conversations that he’d had in the past few weeks where she seemed to jokingly suggest that she was fundamentally in likable, or that she was too rough around the edges for friends to want her around, or that she hated people so much that she hardly left the apartment anymore. How could he have been so blind? He knew her well enough to know that when she made self-deprecating jokes like this, it was usually because she believed them to be, at least partly, true.

“W-why?” He cleared his throat, hoping to sound more like an adult. “What’s made you feel so alone?”

She shrugged, finally pulling her hands away from her face and shifting nervously on top of the duvet. “Just don’t have any friends anymore, Harry.”

“What do you mean? You’ve got plenty of friends!”

“Name one.”

Harry wracked his brain. “Well there’s Je- okay, fine? What about Sa-“ he was stumped. Every name that came to his mind was a friend of his that had, by extension, gotten to know her through their relationship.

She could see the wheels turning in his head. “Exactly.” She huffed.

“Well, what about people at work? That nice lady, Melanie? You seem to get on really well. And, besides, you can share my friends!”

She rolled her eyes. “It’s not like I don’t know people. But those superficial relationships only make me feel worse. They just remind me of the connections that I’ve lost. I don’t- Harry, I don’t wanna have perfectly mundane conversations about the weather, or what I did over the weekend. That’s not what I mean. I just- I miss the kind of connection where you could text someone your random and extremely niche take on a specific topic that only you care about. Or call someone cuz you’re bored and want company. Or make spur of the moment plans. Or vent to without worrying if they’re secretly judging you for talking too much. You know? The kinds of things that you can just build overnight.”

“Intimacy.” He said simply.

“Yeah…”

Harry said nothing. He pulled her into his side, letting her lay her head on his shoulder and blink her tears away as he squeezed her shoulder.

“I’ll be your friend!” He said suddenly breaking the heavy silence.

She laughed, the chuckled disrupting her sobs. “Thanks, but, I think I like what we are.”

“No, I mean, like, sometimes you date someone but you can’t really talk to them about stuff. You know? I’m saying you can talk to me.”

“I just- I don’t know why it’s so hard for me.”

“Baby, it’s not your fau-“

“Don’t! Don’t say it, okay?”

“But you know it’s true.”

“It makes me feel like a bad person to just say that they’re dumb for not wanting to stay friends. Somehow I’m the perfect Angel and everyone else is wrong for leaving me.”

Harry said nothing for a moment. He could tell she firmly believed that and convincing her wasn’t going to be simple. Plus, he didn’t want to interrupt her as she finally let things off her chest. After he was sure she was done speaking, he started again.

“I’m not saying you’re perfect. Nobody is. We all have our flaws. But people who really care about you wouldn’t give up on you when things get difficult. Friendships only work if both people are invested.”

“What if- What if I’m just not good at this? What if people leave me because I’m not a good friend?”

“Bullshit.”

“Harry! I’m serious.”

“So am I! You care, and you’re so kind. And you’re fun and gracious and-“

“Then why am I so alone??”

Harry kissed the side of her head gently.

“I get what you mean.”

“No you don’t. You’re surrounded by people who love you all day everyday.”

“Yeah, but that hasn’t always been the case. I felt really lost and alone for years before all this happened. You know? After the band and all?”

“Hmm”

“It was hard.”

She just nodded silently listening to, taking his words in, letting the sound of his voice comfort her.

“Just can’t change who you are to make people want to stick around. You’ll lose sight of what matters to you. Even though it hurts to let people go.”

“It does.”

“I know baby.” He nuzzled his nose into her neck. “But you’ll meet the right friends eventually. Ones who won’t take advantage, won’t be threatened by your light and love.”

“I hope I do. This is exhausting.”

“Let me help. Hmm?”

She finally turned to face him, locking her lips into his, causing him to hum into her mouth.

“You always do, Harry. Everyday.”

[ariarivivi]

uh vent idk if readmore still works on mobile

losing my mind lately depriving myself of tastes and flavors that make me happy in a vain attempt to lose weight and be more attractive as if it isnt bad enough that I'm bald and hairy and offensively manish. feels like there's no point anyway because I've literally never known how to be an engaging human being, never know how to present myself to a stranger to keep them interested in me so apps dont work at all. it's miserable. i dont even think who I truly am is desirable to a lot of people, I'm very uninteresting, undriven, im averse to adversity and I generally don't know what I could possibly bring to a relationship that someone else couldn't bring in spades. I've always been unhealthily obsessed with the idea of romance and it's always been slowly killing me like a fucking gnawing parasite because every passing year I become more disconnected from society and unable to relate to anybody my age and especially in my area. Sorry, my mind is kind of a mess and this is all stuff I've held in for a really long time because I used to post about it like every night and it made me feel really pathetic. I used to think if I stopped it might help me feel better about myself and maybe it did but in general I kinda like myself I just hate that I'm so undesirable in basically every metric. i dont know. I'm just so fucking sad forever and if I ever attempt to break the cycle and change and be "better" i get a massive reality check and it becomes that much harder to get there for myself. if ur my friend and u read this im okay just kinda lost. i love u

[cynicjovial]

I found your thought about your own art on the personal post tag. You said you werent happy with what you draw but you still like drawing. In this statement, there is something negative, but a HUGE positive! This means that every "wrong" drawing won't terminate your will to draw, and that's ideal. Now; when i read those confessions and saw your drawing, i noticed that you don't seem... secure in what you draw? (1/2)

I want to respond to this to at least notify you that I have acknowledged it.

I understand what you are saying and know what you are talking about, but I still have problems to apply that to myself also due to the fact that it still a little too vague to me in some points. Which drawings are the ones that feel insecure? Do my washi tape drawings look too safe? Can you make an example on one of my oil pastel piece to explain "moving in many directions"? It just... says a lot and nothing to me, maybe other people can get this immediately, but I can only look at my drawings and trying to figure out what is that other people see as wrong (not counting stuff like anatomy or skill errors) I know my last drawings are all same-y as I got a new set of gel pens and I'm having fun coloring with them but this is another thing. Most of the time making a picture is not putting my feelings down, is to try and replicate the image in my head because I wanna see it and it makes me happy. What I want to do artistically is to being able to make something and go "yep, this is nice and close to my vision!" I feel like what I'm doing already is going off with my feelings. I do vent art. I do tired doodles. Maybe my problem is not doing that enough and not posting everything on my social media. Idk I agree I do circle around my safe zone but it feels like to me and you whats that to me are two different ones.

This is one of my last "drawings" I did from exhaustion due to stress. I didn't want to draw but I forced myself to do it because I hadnt been drawing in days (you can tell by my latest posting schedule too). Maybe people want to see that and appreciate this kind of art more of the ones I'm actually proud of, I don't know, but making more of this would mean I'd have to feel miserable, and I'm terrified of the thought that I have to stop training in a certain way or ditch a type of drawing that I like doing because it's "not for me" or because I'm wasting my potential. Maybe Im too sensitive about this because years ago a group of friends told me why make pretty drawings when you should focus on making funny ones instead. it was a nice way to say "you're not talented enough to be on our drawing level but you are funny so you should stick to that instead of thinking of becoming an illustrator" and I know it was supposed to be a compliment but it's not to me. You are right I am insecure, about a lot of other stuff too

Is this a good piece or is it too all over the place? What is unleashing the process? Like I said at the start it's just not specific enough for me to understand the problem, I get the solution you're suggesting but not what am I supposed to recover from. My main problem I think that I don't get enough time to draw both what I should be doing and what I would like to do, and I know that makes my improvement very slow, and I think so that what you're trying to say is instead of trying to strengthen my weak points I should exploit more my stronger ones. And this is why I have issues understanding how not to "play it safe" I believe

I know this is a long rant but this made me think of my last drawings (and well that vent was like from march iirc) and my art in general and there is not a simple way to answer to this without bringing up my confusion. Maybe I'm also too detached to my feelings and the audience can see more than I do. I really don't know, sorry. But as for lately I'm liking what I'm drawing despite knowing that I can do better. I don't have the time to stress over it. I just wanna be happy.

[sunsetsover]

"I swear half this fandom don't actually like Ben" lmao true! Thing is though he's not likeable all the time and he can be a right old dick. But personally even if I don't like him or his actions at certain times, I feel like the broader picture is still there and I root for him because I get why he's like he is? And I can see and appreciate the softer sides of him even if they're fairly well hidden at times.

I also think some people in the fandom intellectually understand that he's traumatised and a survivor of various abuses, and when that shows in certain ways e.g. like if Callum or Lola is comforting while he's crying. But when it comes to situations like this week with Jags and Whitney, I personally think some people have struggled to understand how his trauma connects to it because it's not as obvious as e.g. Whitney's fiance dies, Gray manipulates her, bish bash bosh hit and run. Even more broadly I think it's easy for the audience to underestimate how Ben's experiences have shaped him because there's a distance created by time, his criminal actions, his (un)likeability factor, not viewing Phil as an abusive parent etc.

I don't wanna say everyone criticising him is like that btw! I'm sure there's a few reasons but I think this plays a part tbh.

i get what you're saying but to me it's like.... why would you even waste so much time invested into someone you don't like most of the time. i genuinely don't get it. ppl tend to ship ballum but hate ben AND hate the majority of the sls lately and it's like.... it's 2021 bro it's not like gay couples are THAT rare anymore there is so much media out there if you're not enjoying what ee are doing then you literally do not have to watch. in fact im BEGGING you for your sake not to. literally just do not engage with media that you aren't enjoying. do not sit in your own negativity writing 20 posts a day abt 'why are they doing this? why don't they do that? if they did this i would enjoy it more' bc you're only making yourself miserable. like this goes for any type of media but literally just stop engaging w it if you're not enjoying it anymore. the think pieces don't help anyone. your opinions aren't universal and they aren't gospel. we all need to stop confusing our opinions w facts. just bc i'm not enjoying smth doesn't mean other ppl aren't and vice versa. just bc i'm not enjoying smth doesn't mean that the thing needs to change. eg i hate the fact that callum is a copper and pray every day that something will force him out of it BUT it doesn't really affect my overall enjoyment of him as a character and it doesn't mean that the show has to make him quit just bc i don't like it. you (the royal you not u specifically anon lmao) might hate the fact that ben still does illegal stuff but that doesn't mean the show has to make him stop just bc you don't like it. if it affects how much you enjoy him as a character/ben and callum as a couple then maybe consider stopping watching. festering in the energy of 'i hate this, i hate what they're doing and here's 1200 words why' is unhealthy! i learned this the hard way !

i know this seems like an irrelevant ramble but i think i've realized that this is what my issue is. ppl not understanding trauma is frustrating and damaging and still pisses me off, but i feel like what actually pisses me off more are the ppl who just don't even attempt to be understanding bc underneath it all they're angry/frustrated at the show/sls and that's how it manifests itself. ppl don't like the direction ben and/or callum are going in and so the minute they (and it's usually ben lbr) step out of line they JUMP on that as an excuse to vent their frustrations and often end up saying shit that is ignorant or damaging or mean or just straight up cruel abt things that are so often symptoms of mental illness or trauma. so they're out here posting so many things and making these cruel little comments bc they can't just acknowledge that they don't actually like ballum anymore meanwhile ppl who are actually disabled/mentally ill/traumatised are sitting there reading all of these things and seeing all the people agreeing w them and it's doing real life damage to people.

is it on purpose? probably not. but that doesn't make the damage any less real. i have never forgotten or forgiven the way ppl reacted after ben went deaf. it was vile. as a disabled person who reacted very badly to being disabled just like ben did, it genuinely fucked me in the head seeing what ppl said abt him during that time. now i understand that it was partially ignorance but also a big chunk of it was ppl being unhappy bc they thought they wouldn't be able to enjoy their ship anymore bc ben was disabled (not that he hadn't been disabled before, but now it wasn't ignorable anymore).

idk there's more i could say but i feel like it's pointless. ppl don't care lmao all they care abt is their ship. which, ok fine whatever, but stop letting ur mentally ill/traumatised/disabled followers get caught in the crossfire bc you can't just admit you're not enjoying it anymore and feel the need to tear the thing down and rant about how it's 'bad writing' or 'out of character' etc etc. it's frustrating to read (which is why im never on here anymore) and speaking from experience it hurts YOU in the long run. negativity breeds more negativity.

you don't need to make excuses! just let it go! find something that does make you happy! you deserve that! and we deserve to be able to enjoy something without seeing ppl tearing it (or worse - us) down every 5 minutes !!

(edit - to clarify anon none of this was aimed at you i just sort of started ranting and didn't even really answer ur question im sorry !! i get what ur saying tho lmao 💞💞💞)

[vrronska]

i very rarely post things like that here nowadays, especially that i have a private twitter where i vent, or rather, should vent. But noone reads the shit on my twitter and I feel uh exceptionally bad today, so please forgive this rant.

I know i’ve been posting very sporadically lately, and this is entirely my fault, but i just can’t make myself to draw. And although I’d love to say that it’s just a short artblock, it’s not. I feel unworthy of holding a pen again and it’s not passing. I rarely visit tumblr recently, too. The quality of other’s art here makes me feel bad to the point i struggle with fucking living for the next couple of days. the same goes for twitter, anyway. I just- I am very jealous, s’all. And I’m in a depressive episode so severe, that i haven’t left my bed for four days. the most i did was the 8 hours of stream yesterday and two today, but it only made me feel worse. Both streams were along two tremendously talented people.  So I’ve been lying in bed doing nothing, beating myself up for it, and thats that. Playing Far Cry 5, too, cause i have it on my laptop. People say it’s not a good game but it lets me forget how miserable I am, so I’ll stand up for it. I cannot look at what I produce in a good way. I hate every single piece I do. I learned it’s safer, especially for this website, where something you put work and heart into goes usually unnoticed. The thing is, I have a grossly bad luck in life, always had. Been an underdog, if you will, and i hate that to be good and gain recognition in something i love doing, you have to be lucky. it’s always better to be lucky, anyway. Hating what and how i’m drawing came to the point i was literally crying while picking a colour from too similar hue range while painting skin. This is how bad it is. I feel like a failure because i couldnt find better, more creative way to paint the skin. I know how ridiculous it is. I am well aware of that.  I also know the hatred for people better than me is absolutely idiotic and toxic and bad, but i cant help it. I wish i wasnt like that. I am- I do try at least, be a good person, and be nice to people, and all that but i. I dont know how to act. I dont know how to act properly and im just so confused, talking to people is like balancing on a thin rope for me. I can talk only with two friends. This is so embarassing too.  Everything feels so bad, it like my brain was eating itself from the inside, lol. I cant really deal with it. I think i should end it here, so it was already too long of a rant. Please feel free to ignore it. I know it’s all bulshitty and whiny and people are not on this site to read depressive episodes of someone else, haha, I’m so sorry. I think i had to write it down because i feel extra guilty for not posting anything recently.

[newmoonpart2]

havent had a sad ramble in a while (aka like a month lmao) but ya girls feelin weird! 

ive been having a Crisis about how much i hate my body and face all day today and then i proceeded to eat an entire box of trader joes macarons and i thought it was funny and was goign to post about it earlier but then typing it out it just made me feel bad about myself! lol!

lately i’ve been wondering if its normal to feel so shitty and depressed and empty literally 100% of the time! like is everyone else just faking it when they post stuff on social media??? and when they hang out with friends is it constantly nagging in the back of their head that this fleeting happiness will fade away the second theyre alone again?? (assuming theyre not just forcing it to begin with??) or is it really just me. like i cant even tell if this is normal or not

because i havent had 1 single day without this feeling since i was 10. i remember being super depressed and lonely the summer between 5th and 6th grade and i finally got to see my best friend at the time and i finally felt happy again!!! and i thought it was over and i could go back to being happy and normal. and then as i watched him walk down the sidewalk to get picked up by his mom i felt the depression rush back in and it was like oh! this isn’t going away ever!!

and now i’m 25 and it still has never gone away lol!!!! is that why i feel like im in a perpetual state of waiting?? like i’m waiting for this to go away sso i can finally start living my life??? i think thats why it’s been extra bad this past year. im absolutely certain this feeling will never go away for the rest of my life! like i literally just have to live like this forever lmao thats so fucked up. why did my brain have to be literally broken like theres honestly no reason for this its so frustrating!!! my idiot brain chemicals just dont fucking work right!!! 

is it bad to resent your family for your inherited mental illnesses? literally my entire family has a history of seVERE mental illness but no one ever talked about it and i just had to figure out why im so miserable all the time by myself!!!

sorry if you actually read this i just really needed to vent but i didnt want to actually bug anyone with this. i promise im fine my brain is actuslly always like this 100% of the time i just have to get it out every once in a while :-)