#So i mostly dont understand why people say its bad? I guess i just watch/read/listen to a bunch of stuff thats okay overall but special | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

wri0thesley · 4 years ago

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many many anons under the cut bc i didn’t want anyone to feel like i was ignoring them and i wanted to respond to u all! warning for small text too, it was so long i wanted to make it look smaller fgbnjkgkjn

Anonymous asked: NAT... you can write WHATEVER you want! It's your blog, and I hope that rude anons can learn to respect that. I used to be on your blog just for jjba content too, so when you started getting into jjk I was indifferent but eventually you dragged me into jjk so hard!! I already like bnha, so seeing you write for it only made me happier! I hope that you continue to write whatever make YOU happy:) ❤and yes, longer fics certainly doesnt mean it's better, quality over quantity

ahh i’m happy that you are here for all three!! i always feel so accomplished when someone is like ‘your constant screaming made me think about jjk <3′. all three of the fandoms are fairly popular and i tag everything v carefully so i hope people who do use the filtering find that useful!!!

Anonymous asked: Goodness gracious. People really be out there thinking they're entitled to dictating what kind of content you should be making

i think part of it might be that i do take requests so people feel like they have like . . . a certain right to certain kinds of my content? i take requests mostly bc they keep me motivated, i like making content for ppl who cant find what they want bc i’ve Been There, but maybe people think i am a pushover? idk i am just trying to have a good time!!!

Anonymous asked: Hi. I only started following you a few days ago but please ignore that rude anon. People are so fucking entitled towards writers it's insane. I recently had someone throw a fit for "spoiling" something in my fanfic, even though the fic was about a manga-exclusive character, so what did they expect?? Overall I've really enjoyed your writing so random assholes coming to guilt you is just a shitty thing that happens. Keep going with what you wanna do.

ah gosh anon i’m sorry about that :(. i’m always super careful tagging spoilers and stuff but like, if someone clicks on a fic about say, naoya or the steel ball run boys and is mad that i spoil something they havent found out yet . . . yeah thats on them fgbnkjgfkjn

Anonymous asked: That...that anon had the nerve to say "we". The fuck?! No no no anon, YOU'RE the only one talking and you're just talking for yourself, don't you dare try and lump us other anons/followers up with you to make yourself look like you're right. We love you nat and we appreciate you. It's your blog, you're allowed to write about whoever and whatever. This brain dead anon just needs to either go read someone else if they're that salty or write their own stuff if they're that impatient.

gosh i WISH some of my mad anons would just write their own stuff honestly. idk if this anon thought they were talking for everybody but i guess they expected anons to agree with them and not be mad at them. i appreciate u anon ;_;

Anonymous asked: Just want to say that ily and you’re one of the best jojo fanfic writers in my opinion 💗 I don’t think you’re half assing jojo fics and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you being multi fandom. A lot of jojo blogs have started posting about jjk so it’s not as if you’re the only one. I’m not sure why you get hate like this but I think it’s just because you’re one of the popular writers and that makes people bitter for whatever reason. Keep being you and posting about the things that make you happy 💕

honestly after so long writing for jojo - i’ve written well over 200 jojo reader insert fics - sometimes it feels like i’m retreading stuff, and that’s when i take a break bc i dont wanna half-ass stuff!!! i love all of my fellow jojo friends who are posting about jjk too, i appreciate them <3.

Anonymous asked: Hey my dude, ur writing has really grown since the jojo days and its better and awesome seeing u become happier to branch off and write in different fandoms 🤌🤌 those stupid anons are just boring farts that couldnt be bothered making their own content 😤😤 is it possible to block them to ease ur mind?

hello anon!! i run a statcounter for IPs but it doesnt always work for ppl who access through the tumblr app, i don’t think; a lot of the anon hate i get i just use the ‘block’ option, but last night got to me because i’ve been getting that kind of writer a lot which is . . . a bad look for the jojo fandom who are, as a whole from the ones i’ve interacted with, lovely!!! <3

Anonymous asked: People often forget, the person behind art or writing, is just another regular fan. You deserve to be happy with what you create and we should be thankful you share your talent with us. You also have right to change your main interests, and it's very normal thing. Jojo is one of the MANY things that you write for and all you get from that is a like or share. Its not your job. It's your fun thing to do, in spare time. You haven't betrayed anybody. That person was just rude, selfish and bored.

i am just a person doing my best!!! anime fanfic is one of many interests i have and i already devote a lot of time to it honestly, i love when people tell me they’ve enjoyed something i made bc it makes it feel worthwhile but equally it gets to me a lot when people are rude because i am usually trying my hardest.

Anonymous asked: Bro that jjba anon... the entitlement🤮 Fam, you write whatever you want to write😤 -Saturday

dfnjbkjnkgf i find most fic readers are NOT entitled at all and are just grateful but when they are . . . oof.

Anonymous asked: It's funny how people throw "we got you popular" and they think you start apologize and cry. Your writing and passion made you gain few numbers on a follow counter, nothing more. I think I'm too old for stuff like this, we are nothing more, but +1 on a number scale. You ow us nothing, we ow you nothing. Popular... Funny word. You just write for fun of it, fake scenarios about someone's manga characters. It's not that deep. Have fun and don't listen to people like this. I knew it's not that easy, but they are really not that important as they think they are.

extremely fun fact for people who think ‘popularity’ is important to me: i would 100% rather have 10 people who regularly comment, reblog my fics with tags and interact with me than 100 people who read my fic and either leave a like or simply move on. i think this is true for the VAST MAJORITY of writers tbh. i’m glad that people think i am a ‘popular’ blog (i am not in the grand scheme of things, one of my ex-best friends used to run a kpop reader insert blog with like 30,000 followers) bc it gives me an ego boost lmao, but i really just want people to read and enjoy the stuff i write!!!

Anonymous asked: I followed you a while ago for jojo and when my friends started getting into jjk i was like...eh sounds like work...but now that I see you writing for it I feel really motivated to get into it!!! I really enjoy your writing and I want to be able to read the new stuff too!

ah anon i really hope you like it!!! it’s only one season rn if u wanna watch the anime and there isn’t too much of the manga to catch up on either but it is a lot of fun and it’s nice to be in a fandom that’s like, excited about a new chapter and new plot developments every week!

Anonymous asked: Pls dont reply if u dont want to! <3 I'm not sure if this will be of any help to you or not but this is the kind of thing that often helps me and is the only way I know to try comfort others so I wanted to give it a go~

Now im not gonna say 'dont feel bad pls' bc I know that's not really useful but what I do think is useful is just discussing why that anon and many others feel the need to respond that way. As someone who follows a lot of writing blogs myself and have done for a long time, i've seen my handful of favourite writers come and go for different reasons, lose motivation for a while, gain motivation for a while, go from multi to single fandom, or single fandom to multi. Often times as a reader it can be upsetting when things change but it's also important as a reader to understand that some things aren't in anyone's control, I can't control what my favourite writers become a fan of or lose interest of, I can't control things in their personal lives that may motivate or demotivate them to write, but what I can do is support them as long as they're active, and if they move on to do things i'm no longer interested in or i'm the one that changed interests, rather than being upset that they're evolving to do other things or that they're not evolving with me, I think it's important that I still feel thankful for the works that I enjoyed while we were still on the same page and this is how I personally deal with those negative feelings. I think the anons that lash out at you probably just dont know what to do with themselves, maybe they got attached to your works while you were still only a jjba blog and now that you're evolving they're upset, while I understand how they feel, they're going the completely wrong way about it. I've learned to take these things and turn them into something positive for myself or at least something bittersweet that I can move on from but the anons that lash out at you for whatever reason probably haven't learned this yet. Maybe it's because i've moved on and changed interests a lot myself that I know how these things go for both writers and readers but those anons maybe haven't experienced this as much so they dont know what to do with themselves other than complain that you've changed and throw insults at you in an attempt to get you to revert back. None of this is because of the quality of your writing like they want you to believe, it's literally just because you've evolved and while some of your old followers might not like the new content for no reason other than it not being their cup of tea, it's definitely not regressed at all. You are pumping out a lot of content right now but every single thing i've read has just been better than the last. Things that really stand out to me is how well you get characterisation down to a T and all of your dialogue is just on point and from the pov of a reader I think those things seem the hardest to get right so I am such a huge fan of your stuff at the moment and I can tell you're really putting so much thought and care into each and every fic no matter how fast you're producing it, I think the fact that you're also proud of what you're writing at the moment really shines through as well and I just adore the passion that radiates from every completed request as well as in the responses for the subsequent thirsts resulting from these works that appear in your ask box later (I know i've sent quite a few by now~)

Just to be clear i'm not defending those anons in any way, while I can understand what they might be feeling/why they're reacting in the way they are I still believe it's just so immature to be hateful online point blank. Even during a time where I still got upset with writers if they started doing something else I still never targeted that negativity directly to the writer and sending rude or hateful comments whether on anon or not never something i'd stooped low enough to do even when I still had an immature way of thinking, however, I hope that it might make it a little easier to brush them off if we try and understand what they're really upset about, and that they're just putting the blame for their negative feelings onto the wrong thing rather than coming to terms with change themselves.

hello anon!! i appreciate the long message. i do feel bad for people who have no interest in what i’m currently producing and i get that they feel upset about it; i’ve watched a lot of fellow jojo writers move on completely or just stop posting, honestly. this kind of thing is why i was so intense about asking people if it would be better if i made a separate blog but the resounding answer seemed to be ‘i’m just vibing with whatever happens and i’ll block tags as needed’.

i often return to works by my favourite reader-insert writers who no longer write for the fandoms i like (and i read stuff bc it sounds interesting or i trust the person who writes it), but change can be difficult and i guess at this point i’ve - whether u like me or not lmao - been a fixture in jojo reader-insert tumblr for a While so it’s probably kind of jarring.

anyway i really appreciate you and the nice words! <3

Anonymous asked: hi nat! I just wanted to pop in and say that regardless of what fandom you write for, the love and care you pour into your writing and into interacting with followers who care about your work as well is really obvious. you're doing this for FREE and people should appreciate what you've given us so far, since ultimately this blog should be for you, whatever that means to you at any point in time. it's ok to jump fandoms! the important thing is that you feel good about what you're producing and that it makes you happy. everyone else is just a bonus - but, seeing you on my dash certainly makes me happy : ) I hope you feel better soon!

thank you anon! i’m feeling much better and happier today. birthdays are very difficult for me (i did not think i’d be alive at eighteen, much less 25!) so this event is definitely kind of a way for me to concentrate on something else, and i’m a little bit extra sensitive atm. i appreciate you so much, thank you for the kind words!!! <3

Anonymous asked: Hello! I just wanted to say, write what YOU want and make YOUR writings as long as you'd like. 💖 To the anon who is like "We mAdE yOu FaMoUs dOnt HalF asS iT" stfu, let people do what they wanna do. If you think they half do it, write something better and longer you asshat.

this is an open invitiation to that anon to send me a link to their writing blog and i’ll hype them up i promise <3

Anonymous asked: nat i'm so so sorry about that ask please know that your older followers don't share the same opinion :( sometimes people forget about the living, breathing person behind the screen smh. you are not a machine. you absolutely should not restrict yourself to posting about one fandom forever. yes, we're first pulled in by your amazing content, but we stay for your wonderful personality and work ethic. please just keep being you, taking up projects you feel comfy with! <333 bless u

ahh thank u anon! unfortunately i actually am a writing robot, i’m sorry u had to find out this way. my jojo chip has been removed, please send it back so i can continue to not half-ass my jojo work. fgnjkbgjkfn thank you so much angel!!! i appreciate you ;_;.

Anonymous asked: i don’t think it’s fair for other people to say shit about what you choose to write about because on tumblr and other writing platforms, writers are constantly developing how they write and the fandoms that they write for. it’s not fair for someone to criticize that “you don’t care about jjba blah blah blah” because you can enjoy new shows/manga. and like you said you’ve grown so much!! proud of you nat and im glad that ive been able to read your works (sincerely other nat)

i am STILL waiting for you to come and fight me other nat fgnjkbnf. it’s nice to be enjoying different things! i am constantly learning new things and reading new works and making new friends and improving and i think that’s important. i do care about jjba - a lot! but i can care about other things too! <3

Anonymous asked: I may not be one of your oldest followers, but i've been here for almost 3 years. Yes, i started following u for ur jojo content, but let me tell u, ur newfound motivation and enthusiam for other fandoms was honestly contagiuos for me. And i say this as a person who finds very difficult to move from one interest to another. Jojo is great, but so are other fandoms. Please don't let some faceless scum rob u that motivation. This is ur blog and u r always free to write whatever u want.

honestly, i have been there! i am autistic and i have special interests and watching other people move on to stuff i’m not vibing with has made me sad in the past, but i want people to be happy more than anything and sometimes that means new things and change! <3

Anonymous asked: Hi Nat! I saw that rude anon message & I just wanted to pop in & say that they're wrong. You're not betraying anyone & you should write whatever it is you want to write. I followed you for jojo & I'm not familiar with the other fandoms that you write for, but personally it makes me SO happy to see you enjoying new things! It's always good to find joy wherever you can, so keep writing what you're interested in. There a lot of ppl who want to see you happy and healthy <3

honestly the idea of it being a GRAND BETRAYAL is so funny, i am just writing anime fanfic here and thriving!!! tysm anon! <3

Anonymous asked: Those anons can piss off! They have no right to judge how long or how short your writing is. If they want longer content write it their damn selves. I think your writing has improved wonderfully and I originally followed for Jojo and I'm enjoying all the content period. I don't even watch jujutsu ( not my cup of tea personally) but I love seeing the creativity and the interactions. You write what makes you happy Nat and that's on that! You don't owe anybody anything! I know how hard writing is and when your consuming new content it's hard to make content for something else. That doesn't mean you don't like it any more your just doing something different for a while. Love you and your content and I'm enjoying the love your putting into your content whether long or short. ♥♥💕 Sending love your way!

honestly my idea of ‘short content’ is still over 1k words, i’m not good at reeling myself in! i guess it’s bc they see like, 1.5k jojo fic versus 5k jjk fic but it’s not that i didn’t enjoy the first fic, just that the point and the story came a lot quicker and so did the natural end! thank you anon, i appreciate you ;_;

Anonymous asked: Hello! Just wanted to let your know that I think your writing is awesome, and that you should write for whoever and for whatever you want to! You dont have to stay loyal to one fandom or anything, and your followers shouldn't expect that from you! It's not like they are paying you to write, you are doing this for free, and because you enjoy it and it makes you happy! If they dont like your stuff, they dont have to follow you, they can go to other blogs that cater to their taste, and they definitely don't need to be sending you such hurtful comments, and they dont get to make you feel sad about your writing! Just because they followed you during your earlier stages of writing, doesn't mean you owe them some type of loyalty or compensation! You can write literally whatever you want as long as it makes you happy! That's what your hobby and your blog are for! I hope you know that alot of your followers love your work and think that you are an amazing writer and are down to support the work that makes you happiest! 💖💖

ahh thank you so much anon!!! i am always so bowled over by how many people are nice to me when something like this happens, i am sending you my love <3

Anonymous asked: don’t listen to them!! we love you as a writer no matter what you write, because you’re a good person and a talented writer!! you shouldn’t have to change what you write to please a bitter person, and if they only want jjba, they can go to another blog instead of bringing you down. you’re doing amazing and they should be thankful you grace us with your talents!!

to be totally honest, if i was half-assing or not vibing with content i was making i just. wouldn’t post it. like you’d be able to TELL when i was half-assing stuff just to get words out (source: i have re-read my own nanowrimo works). there are lots of great jjba blogs who could do with more followers n interaction!!! i hope they do find them and i hope they’re nice to them :(.

Anonymous asked: Please don’t pay attention to that anon. People only have that confidence when they have anon turned on. Them looking through your blog despite feeling that way is peak fan behavior and speaks to how addicting your writing is. Naturally, you can’t please everyone and there will be people who are irrational and feel entitled to tell you what to do or what to write no matter what. Trust me when I say they’re a small minority and are more likely probably passing viewers rather than regulars. I check your blog about three or more times a day because I love reading not just your fics but also your takes, banter with other anons, or even random updates. Brainrot posts? LOVE TO SEE IT!!! Desk update? AMAZING!!! With that being said, don’t feel pressured to continue pushing out content for others. Write what makes you happy! You’ve been writing for JJBA for 4 years and it’s completely normal + healthy to get into new media. I’m not sure if it would mean much, but your love for JJK has gotten me excited to start it too!!

anon i really hope you enjoy it!!! sometimes these anons remember stuff i’ve posted and said better than i do tbh, i am living in their heads rent free i guess!

Anonymous asked: I've been following you for a couple of years and honestly it would always be a joy to see when you posted. Your writing has improved and I'm very happy you're enjoying yourself ! I know it hurts hearing and seeing stuff like that but I'm happy you're here. I'm honestly blessed everytime you post. Your writing is phenomenal. I love reading it even if its characters that I dont care for. You capture their essences so well and weave an amazing tale within the prompts and whatnot. You're amazing nat!

wehh thank you so much!!! re: the improvement, i really don’t feel like it has and then i re-read something i wrote when i first started and i’m like oh my god maybe it has. did i really write about jotaro acting like that.

Anonymous asked: Hi Nat. I recently became a follower of yours and I'm really saddened to see you get hate. You seem like a genuinely sweet person with amazing talent! I'm a writer myself and, unfortunately, get the same kind of comments. And when you get those comments, it doesn't leave you feeling motivated. People need to understand that people can and will, at times, grow out of fandoms. (1 Not just that but you're doing all of this for free. Again, I'm sorry you got such a comment. But please know that I'm proud of how far you've come. I'm proud that you're living a life that makes you happy. And no matter what fandom you may find yourself in next, I will always enjoy your writing. Take care of yourself. (2 end

HELLO NEW FOLLOWER I LOVE YOU (i get a lot more a day now than i used to and i feel guilty about not being able to look through so many blogs but i do try and follow back other writers for my fandoms!! ;_;). i’m sorry you get the same kind of comments! i’m always just happy to see people i like enjoying new things, even if i have no interest in it (hello to all of my mutuals who write for hunter x hunter and haikyuu, not interested but i’m sure you’re having a great time and i support you!!!).

Anonymous asked: I'm sure you're getting a barrage of supportive messages now (at least I hope so) but I figured I'd add my voice, because I'm a longtime follower. Your writing is, and always has been, wonderful. I've been so happy to see you and Haz get to a place that works for you both. Idk if it's obvious for everyone, but you seem like you're emotionally in a pretty good place most of the time these days, and it makes me really happy to see that. I followed years ago for JJBA content, but I stayed because regardless of what content you put out, I find your wit delightful. And I'll stick around even if you move fandoms entirely, because whatever content or editorializing you produce is going to be worth reading, regardless of what it's for.

ahh, anon!! thank you for sticking around so long, sorry if you’re old enough to have been around the vore and jorts and spider rohan fiascos! <3 i am definitely a lot more stable than i have been and - barring the Pandemic Related Mental Health Issues - happier! i’m glad that it’s noticeable! <3

Anonymous asked: It actually makes me mad how entitled some people are. Nat, you're not a content creating machine and those who expect you to be are not worth wasting a thought on. Your love for something is not measured in word counts and for you to write every day without getting burned out in the slightest you really must have a burning passion and huge dedication to your craft. If others decide to send hate then allow me to send admiration because I can feel your love and hard work in each post you make!

i try and write every day bc it’s super good for my little ocd/autistic brain to have routines and distract itself, so i’m glad other people can enjoy them because that makes me motivated to carry on! like, i write for myself mostly bc the content i want i sometimes get find, but filling requests and writing for other people also leaves me with happy warm fuzzies too! i appreciate you!! <3

Anonymous asked: If people only care about your writing for the jojo porn that’s on THEM, not you. Your writing was amazing when I followed about a year ago, and it’s only gotten better and will continue to get better! I think it really comes through when you enjoy what you’re writing and it adds a whole other layer of worth to it, because not only are you making free content but you LIKE that content and we can all gush about it together!!! More than just fans, I think you’ve created a community here and we don’t just stick around to read smut, I promise you that. -Reronon

i do miss having a discord community bc it was nice to talk to everyone in real time but it was hard work, i am glad that people feel like they can just come into my askbox and gush! i’m not very friendly in real life and people tend to think i am cold and stuck up so i work very hard to try and seem friendly and approachable online, which is much easier for me because i get to think and re-draft before i type! <3

Anonymous asked: Hi Nat! I’m sure you’re getting a lot of messages like this right now but I just wanted to say for what it’s worth that, as a person who originally followed you for jjba content and hasn’t watched/read any of the other series you’re currently writing for, I’m honestly still along for the ride. This is your blog and you’re allowed to do what you want with it and put out what content you feel like writing. Sometimes??? People acquire new interests??????? Shocking! I know absolutely nothing about jjk or bnha but out of curiosity still read some of your posts about them and even though I might not Get It, I still enjoy them because I think you’re a very talented writer! Honestly, as long as you’re still writing, I’m still down to clown, and whenever you take breaks (which are important!) I’ll still be waiting for your return or supporting and respecting your decision to stay away longer. Don’t let the entitled assholes get you down. Utilize YOUR blog and YOUR space however YOU choose. Your talent and kindness speak for themselves. Love you!!! ❤️❤️❤️

anon i care about you and i am so appreciative of you and everyone for sending me such nice messages! i am running out of ways to say it but it’s true, it really does mean a lot to me ;_; <3

#nat.txt

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gryphsdeadbones · 4 years ago

Note

hey from one nd person to another the comic where fm gordon says a slur seems kind of in poor taste. ik ur not intentionally making light of it and tht occurring in fm should be criticized but while you dont make it out to be a good thing making jokes about it and calling him a "slurboy" is kind of questionable? it makes it seem more like a plotpoint and angst rather than the creator of fm genuinely fucking up in the past (and having moved on from it)! i think exploring fm coming to terms with being nd is a good idea but this isnt the best way to do it. if you want me to explain my point more lmk if/when u post this and i will! someone already made a post abt it but it was kinda strongly worded and i wanted to approach you more calmly because i genuinely dont want to call you out or start drama or anything ;-;

first off thank you for being civil and patient with me i appreciate this ask a lot- also this got long- im not in a flying rage or anything when i bold or emphasis text, i just needed it also for my own readability and since im not the best at wording- hopefully this hellsite works and my response is under the cut

i would like to know how is it in poor taste when freemind explicitly gets clocked at the very end for saying it. the entire point of the comic was to show that saying the r slur has existed in his source and is bad

im not sure how much more direct i can get, with the disclaimer/warning list growing longer and longer and out there for a huge sign that says “this au can get dark as fuck and these subject matters are treated seriously/not something to mess around with.” Like yes, there are some jokes in the asks and other comics, but that specific comic is not supposed to be “haha thats funny”. it has a serious tone using a rough sketch style bc i was super tired and wanted to vent

was it just the direct reference to it that just made people uncomfortable? because thats 100% understandable, and i made sure i tagged it appropriately (although admittedly, a little bit late since i thought the filter would catch at least the main thing)

i think what some people somehow got from it is “exploring sensitive content = endorsing said content” which! that is not the intent! i absolutely do not want people saying that word! I don’t want people thinking that is any way okay for this character to say

its more of a damned if i do address it, damned if i dont.

if it never comes up, people are gonna assume that ‘oh this character says slurs and is shit, surely the creator or fan-creator MUST be okay with it and woobifies freemind and absolves him of any mistakes’ or something like that. no. this asshole has an arc and i want to do it right. its serious and i think it shouldn’t be shoved under the rug

and people just. dont want to read for context for whatever reason. theyll start watching it and get taken aback by the slur and start blaming me ‘hey you never warned for this’ when very early on i keep mentioning over and over ‘you dont have to watch it if you dont want to! This has slurs and 2000s internet brand humor/style’ You really dont, I’m not forcing you to watch it- Literally all you need to know is either canon half life or hl/vrai. thats it. fm mostly follows hl1 with very slight changes.

so i had to make something that:

1. warns people who arent aware and dont want to go through my asks or about/warning pages (for whatever reason) and just want to see the art

2. also NOT downplay freemind’s canon assholery. listen, i kinda despise writing mean and cruel characters, theyre hard to do, and a lot of people get shit for doing it wrong or people going “character = author”

i’ve also considered leaving the bubbles blank, but then people could fill it with whatever they want, then blame me for being vague. or they’d fill it in with a different kind of slur that freemind has never used, even if he MIGHT be the type to do that. I needed to explicitly mention that it is ableist slur. There are shitty racist and other problematic jokes, but never those kinds of extreme racial slurs to my knowledge.

Although I do see your point that maybe joking about it outside of the serious stuff might not be the best route. The slurboy jokes are getting stale, and I will try a better way to remind people.

The thing that gets to me is that it feels people are more than ready to defend either Ross Scott or Gordon Freeman the fictonal character himself. I don’t??? really care for Ross Scott, so I don’t know if he’s ever brought it up specifically. I’m not really calling him out or cancelling him. Idc for some white man’s feelings, im only bringing the timeframe of That era and reworking it to fit in This current era.

And I hate to break it to people: Gordon Freeman is a blank slate character, you can project whatever the hell you want on him as long as it’s not freakshit illegal garbage. The machinimas (fm, hl/vrai) do have SOME characterization that I want to nail down. It fucking sucks when characters are ooc, and I’m trying not to do that, even if it means sacrificing some comfort. But still mostly staying in my comfort zone if that makes sense

Now about the callout that I do not want to engage with the op directly:

Honestly im very surprised the comic was called out when i just. thought my stuff is relatively tame on exploring the bad shit canon freemind does. ive seen him in fancontent where they really dont hold back and its still played off as ‘kinda funny’ tone.

I really don’t know if people just want any reason to hate me for whatever reason. That’s fine I guess, I can’t please everyone and they dont have to like me.

But like. isn’t it so much easier for the op of that to block me and the post and move on. Why kick up such a fuss. I can see that thinly veiled death threat of a vague. That’s pretty fucked up- Like holy fucking god, you do not have to like my stuff. I’m not holding you at knifepoint to like my stuff. I’ve specifically made two different tags (one general au, one specific au) if anyone wants to blacklist it for their own reasons I do not need to know. I don’t want to know.

You’re allowed to be uncomfortable. You’re allowed to unfollow/blacklist/block.

However you just don’t go ranting about it for something you horribly misinterpreted. If it bothers you so badly, literally just. drop me a message to clarify. thats it. or save yourself the time and block me.

I’ve blocked the op for both our sakes, but if anyone wants to send this post to them, then thats fine. I don’t want anything to do with them.

I don’t want to link the post and blow it up. I just want shit clarified, dropped and we can move the fuck on with our lives.

If you’re reading this and don’t know what the post is, please don’t bother. I do not want people going after the op with threats, please keep it civil, I’d prefer if you don’t engage with the post at all on my behalf.

Despite this huge wall of text, I do not want this to be a big deal, so please don’t ask me about the details.

As for anon, feel free to dm me either on here or. Maybe on discord if you’d still like to suggest or have something more cleared up. I’m still willing to hear any kind of feedback, and i want to thank you again for being reasonable about this

#Anonymous #ask #jdb faq #ask to tag #long post

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arthurflecksgirl · 5 years ago

Text

Artie falls in love with you / Arthur Fleck short story

Disclaimer: Suicidal thoughts, sex, drunk Arthur, romantic, sweet

“How...how many kisses?“

Arthur was lying on the couch, burying his face in the pillow. The two of you went out on a date for the third time today and you were truly in love with him.

“Just tell me sweetheart, how many?“ He mumbled. The couple glasses of wine werent a good idea considering that he was on his medication and was never really drunk before. You felt kinda bad about his condition right now. But you really tried to get him out of his apartment and did choose a good restaurant to finally get him to eat something. He never ate propery and looked kinda starved. Also a side effect of his meds. You felt good, watching him eating half a plate today, so you ordered some wine,too.

You kneed in front of the couch to made sure he's comfortable, petting his soft, sweaty curls “What do you mean?“

He smirked at you “How many smoochies will I get from you tonight?“ His face lighted up looking at you. His childlike grin made your knees weak every time.

You kept on playin with his hair “Many,Arthur.“

“But how much?“

He tried to get up and kiss you on the cheek, making kissing noises and almost fell from the couch “Oooops“ he buried his face in your neck “I almost fell. Good thing I fell in your arms,huh?“ His breath felt hot against your skin. The smell of his hair felt like home. “Yeah Arthur, I'm afraid you're a bit drunk.“

Arthurs smile grew even more “I'm not drunk. I just love you so much and need to know how many?“ A sloppy kiss on the corner of your lips.

“Countless,Artie.“

He sunk back into his pillow “Wow, thats a lot!“

You took the blankets and covered him with it “Just try to get some sleep,okay? You will get all the kisses when you're sober again“.

He crawled up under the sheets, his beautiful face lookin slightly weathered. “Hey (YN) wanna hear a Joke? “

“Sure“

“So this man comes into an libary“ he chuckles in his pillow already.

"...and asks for a book on how to commit suicide.

And the libarian said Fuck off, you won`t bring it back"

He can`t help but laugh about his own joke. His dark homor said more about himself than you wanted to admit but you were very drawn to his view of things. He always seemed to feel everything with an intensivity you have never seen on someone else before. Eighter if he was happy or sad. When you met him he told you he never felt happy in his whole life but you felt like it changed dramatically since you dated. Knowing that he was all alone by himself, expect from living with his mother his whole life still breaks your heart. Never have you met someone more caring. He loves to make late night conversations while cuddeling up under the blankets, about everything that was going on in his head. Sometimes he had troubles explaining what he was trying to say but you loved his way of observing things around him. He payed attention wo every datail. You admired him, which he couldnt understand. He loved to be seen and he loved that you listened to him carefully. But he still wasnt sure why you loved him so much. You guess he wasnt used to this kind of attantion.

"Thats a good one,Arthur!"

He was getting sleepy "Yeah... you know what (YN) there are many more jokes in my journal, you know? I want you to read it. "

"The jokes?"

"The whole thing"

His eyes got heavier now.

"There are not only jokes in it" his eyes tried to focus on you "I was writing about you,too.I want you to read it"

Your hand slit under the blanket to caress his chest "About me? Really?"

"Yeah" the scar on his upper lip liftet when he did that smirk and it always made you blush. He even managed to make you blush while lying drunk on the couch. You felt kinda bad by getting turned on seeing him in this condition.

"I dont know Arthur, I feel like this is kinda personal. I dont want to disturb your privacy by reading your journal.

"Just do it!"

"Artie, you`re drunk. What if you dont want me to read it anymore in the morning?"

He was leaning over to give you sloppy kisses again "Thats why I want you to read it now." He was pointing his finger at you "Hey, wanna hear another one?"

You gave him a soft kiss on his forehead "Get some sleep, Arthur. You need to rest now"

He falls back into the pillow and falls asleep with a smile on his face.

After you made sure he fell asleep you looked at his diary. He really said he wanted you to read it. And that he wrote about you.

You werent sure if you should take a look. This felt so personal. On the other hand... You were more than curious about what he might thought of you. You just started dating and had your first kiss some days ago. He was a really good kisser. You guessed he didnt really knew what to do at first but he was so emotionally involved. He seemed to soak up every second of the moment. Like he really wanted this. He was right there in the moment with you, which you loved.After the kiss he confessed that he never was with a woman before and you think he was a bit ashamed about it. But he still wanted you to know. You didnt mind. You thought it was cute actually. And you wanted nothing more than being his first. You would love him all night. Like he deserved to be loved.

Another stare at his diary. You put my hands on the cover. Arthur Fleck case number 064823. Sure he had some problems. But you wanted the both of you to figure them out together. You wanted to hold his hand when he was in the waiting room to attent his appointments. You still werent sure what the exact diagnose was. You didnt wanted to upset him by asking too much about it. But you knew that he took anti depressants and anti psychotics.

You opened the first page of his diary. Some jokes, really dark ones. Mostly about death.

You turned the pages. Observations about homeless people. More dark jokes. Sad thoughts about being left alone. You didnt really read all of it cuz it still felt like you were disturbing his privacy. So you tried to find the pages which are written about you and searched for your name to pop up and there is was.

Your name was written in big, red letters that looed like lipstick. With a big smiley. Your heart jumped out of my chest when you saw it. There was something so cute about it and you imagined him drawing this the night, after you met.

You took a deep breath and started to read as your hands were shaking.

"Today I met the sweetest girl. She was new in my neighborhood and seemed to be different from all those aweful bricks here in Gotham. She has a nice smile. An authentic one. Not like my own smile, which is never authentic for so many reasons. I dont even know what a real smile is. But when I saw her , I smiled and for the first time in my entire life it felt like a real smile.

So she had those big packages to carry and i was just standing there, staring at her and suddenly she asked me for help. I was never been asked for help before. People tend to ignore and avoid me a lot. So I was very pleased to help her with her packages. We got into an conversation and I told her a joke. And she was laughing. I love it when people laugh at my jokes. I mean, I wanna do stand up comedy so bad. I need people to think that I`m funny. And I know I am. ---smiley face---

Anyway, I felt like finally someone sees me. The next day she came up to me when I was about to get to th pharmacy and she asked me out on a date. I couldnt belive it at first. I have never been on a date before. I was kinda nerveaus. Why would a beautiful, young woman like she is go out with me?

Of course I said yes.

I was dreaming about this for so long. Maybe she could be my girlsfriend. This would be a dream come true. I already told her that I have some issues, because she asked me why I was going to the city and I didnt thought twice and told her I have to buy my anti psychotics. I know that this wasnt a good move but it seems like it didnt scare her away. Well, she doesnt know how bad it really is by now.

I really hope that this time she is real and I`m not having visions or daydreams again.

Sometimes its hard to tell.

Some days I even think the meds make it even worse. But at the same time I am afraid to go off my meds. I did it once and I did some bad shit. I even ended up in Arkham for a very long time. Which wasnt that bad really.

Sometimes I think I felt better when I was locked up.

Not being able to leave my room, being with my thoughts all day, drifting away in daydreams gives me comfort. Its like ignoring the cold, dark world outside. The world doesnt care about me anyway. So why should I? The sad thing is, I still do care. I thought about ending my own life so amny times. Almost every day. But I never really tried it. Its just a game I play with myself.

How long? How long until it is not a game anymore?

How long till I have the guts to do it?

Oh man, I`m drifting away again. I wanted to talk about the GIRL!!!

She`s gorgeous. Just gorgeous.

I wish I could kiss her. I`m 35 and I hadnt had my first kiss yet. Its TIME!

I tried it once with this girls from scool i was in love with but I got so nerveaus that I started to laugh at her face and she thought I was laughing at her. Yeah well... she ended up punching me in the face and I never tried it ever since.

But I dreamed about it a lot. How would it feel to have someones lips pressed against yours? Softly and intense. To taste someones tongue in your mouth, to just melt into each other.I would never stop. I feel like a kiss is a connection on a higher level and I really wanna experience it with someone.

I got some other fantasies,too.

They`re pretty dirty and I dont feel like I can talk about them right now.

So i`m gonna quit writing for today and hope that the girl isnt already sick of me.

You turned the page and took a look at Arthur. He was humming in his sleep. Looking peaceful. All the words in his diary overwhelmed you up to a point where you didnt know what to think anymore. You hoped he enjoyed his first kiss. You really hoped your kiss was worth the wait.

The next page was just black scribbles all over the pages. Little drawings of people and cats. A lot of cats.

The next page was written on again.

"Today I woke up and wanted to die. I don`t even know why. It was just a gut feeling. I was miserable andthe darkness was caving in on me. But then I thought about the girls I just met and that she really seemed to like me. So I decited not to kill myself. Not today."

You thought about putting the diary aside. This was a lil too much for you. You didnt knew he was in such a dark place mentally. You were kinda scared but couldnt stop reading eighter.

"So...I remembered her kiss, my first kiss and this memory was so strong. I am sure it wasnt just imagined. This time I am sure it was real. It has to be. I wanted to distract myself from suicidal thoughts and started to touch myself while thinking of her. Maybe I should write her a love letter. Or bring her flowers. Or both. I think I`ll do both. Anyway, I touched myself while thinking about sleeping with her and I finally felt something again. I tried so many times but my meds wouldnt let me cum. It barely happens. Thinking about her kiss, her hands in my hair, on my thights, between my legs.... and her sweet voice on my ear helped me a lot. I felt passion and love and I came so hard, you wouldnt even wanna know. I hope Penny was asleep and didnt noticed anything. This would be embarrassing as hell. I surely made some noises.

I imagined that I took her hand and made her dance all through the living room to Frank Sinatra songs and we got closer and kissed. She told me how much she loved me and how much she wanted me. I held her face in my hands and kissed her so hard, all my make up smeared up on her beautiful face. I am always wearing clown make up in my sexual fantasies. It makes me more confident.

She just grabbed me and took my clothes off, threw them all over the room, threw me on the bed and covered my body with kisses. I felt loved for the first time in my life and all I wanted was to be inside her. To wear her like a coat that keeps me warm. I imagined her being on top of me, whispering in my ear how much she wants me to fuck her. And yeah I know in reality she would have dominated me for sure. But in my imagination I just got on top of her and made love to her till she was out of breath. I could almost feel her breath in my neck, feel her sweet, soft hands all over me. It was just so real. I wish it was real.

Could it become real some day?

My body was reacting in a way I didnt even knew was possible before.

I want to expercience it again. With even more details.

I think i wil get back to bed and try it one more time.

And afterwards I will write her a letter. Or two.

I just wish she never leaves again."

Blank page

Another blank page.

You put the diary aside and got up on the couch.

You crawled up under his blanket and felt the warmth of his tiney, fragile body which you want to hold for the rest of your life.

#arthur fleck #joker #joker fanfiction #fanfiction #arthur fleck fanfic #arthurfleckfanfiction #short fiction #short story #joaquinphoenix #joaquin phoenix joker

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bi-dazai · 5 years ago

Text

a summary of the whole contrapoints thing from someone who has been spending most of her time on twitter and seen it first-hand throughout

(im using screenshots, some ive downloaded from trusted twitter mutuals and some ive made myself. since i have the shinigami eyes extension and many of my twitter mutuals dont, some scs will be inconsistent. i have checked each downloaded sced tweet to make sure theyre real.)

please dont try to start an argument on this post, im just summarising whats happened. ive already argued myself out over on my twitter and whatever point youre trying to make has literally already been said 20 times before.

Basically in late august/september natalie said some inflammatory shit about pronouns and nbs and “binary transes” which she’d said stuff along the lines of in the past. both nb and binary trans folks have criticised her lightly for this kind of attitude in the past as well. she has a pattern of behaviour (including being very...lenient towards terfs) but the stuff she was saying and the bad takes were tolerable, if incorrect and a little ignorant. what she said this time was basically “asking for pronouns in trans spaces is good i guess but it hurts passing/semi-passing transes like me” which is a take that makes no goddamn sense and is extremely ignorant towards both nb folks and trans folks who do not have the luxury of even trying to pass. she exaggerates the actual effect it has on her as well. basically the entire tweet reads really badly (the discussion was about asking for pronouns in trans spaces):

peter coffin made some batshit crazy takes (as usual) including inventing the term “enby cultural capital” which he refused to actually evaluate on past asking people to read a book (if you cant clarify your point on your own then you have an issue). he started tweeting like a madman and making it painfully clear how hard he will go to bats for natalie despite him being nb himself (many people joked/suspected that its because he wants to fuck her, same with philosophytube, and honestly looking at how they see her that isnt hard to believe).

natalie went off twitter for a while, eventually leaving an apology that was actually alright and made me and several others believe she would return a little more understanding of trans intra-community issues, especially in terms of class because she has always had an issue with ignorance from that angle. she said she had a friend called gwen taking over (nobody knows who this is nor had they ever heard of this friend, leaving some people suspicious that she may have made her up. im not going to confirm or deny this because i have no clue.)

idk what peter coffin was up to because at this point i and most ppl had officially stopped listening to him but i believe he was angrily tweeting about cancel culture. a lot of people were as well, even though the bulk of the criticisms of natalie had been written and expressed in a mature, appropriate way. some of my twitter mutuals who had been involved in discussing natalie’s past trends with these issues as well as her lack of class consciousness and (probably) accidental antisemitism began to get messages from what was very clearly alt-right trolls trying to doxx natalie. it was real information, which is extremely concerning, but no person published it and her criticisers that got those dms were vocal about not bullying or doxxing natalie. natalie wasn’t pushed away because of “cancel culture”, and “cancel culture” really isnt a real thing and many contra fans believed this too until she came under criticism, which highlights a pretty weird mentality but whatever.

anyway, she came back this week with a new video titled “opulence” which i dont care for watching so i just read about it from my twitter mutuals who did. since i didnt watch it ill only summarise its criticisms very basically.

to put it simply the main criticisms of the video were that she conflated trans aesthetic with literal opulence and class again, which people weren’t a fan of. she talked about her experience over the last few weeks, spinning it her way because how else would she spin it, thats to be expected. it was mostly just the usual contra, flawed takes and a bit of class ignorance...except for one blaring massive issue which is absolutely undeniable proof for where she’s heading with her politics and her content.

on that video, natalie invited infamous transmed, the guy who outed lana wachowski for money, buck angel, to collab with her. this guy is infamous in the trans community for being a cis bootlicking bigot. he makes kalvin garrah look like a lovely guy. he’s been around for a very long time and he’s very famous for being a massive asshole. heres just a taste of the kind of attitude he carries:

contra has previously spoken up about why you shouldn’t platform bigots. so her platforming a bigot has some very very obvious implications.

needless to say, people were and are pretty mad and very disappointed. a large majority of her fans have been against this.

when oliver (philosophytube) promoted the video on his twitter many replies to his quote tweet were his fans begging him to be even mildly critical of contra.

on contra’s subreddit (for clarification, natalie isnt a mod there and im not sure about how involved she is on the sub) there was even a thread created in which MANY of her fans on there expressed criticism of contra’s views. the mods then locked the post, deleted comments, and banned the use of the word “truscum” because it was offensive i guess? it was a move very close to “terf is a slur” territory

furthermore, some pretty infamous transphobes have been in support of her and buck angel in the past, including ian miles cheong which is...wow. some of these are scs from a twitter mutual, but the ones with red names are from me - i have the shinigami eyes extension, so basically any person with a red name is a known transphobe (im surprised buck isnt marked yet lol).

finally, ill put some threads here that give a pretty good analysis and view of the situation imo

#long post #contrapoints

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daily-dose-of-imagines · 4 years ago

Text

𝕄𝕒𝕥𝕔𝕙 𝕌𝕡♡

hi admins! i hope you're doing well! may i request a haikyuu matchup please? and may i stay anonymous? Thank you!

I'm about 160cm tall and a little chubby, have thick long hair that reaches my lower back, brown eyes. My mbti is intj and my zodiac sign is scorpio! Im quiet and shy with new people, mostly because im not sure what to say/talk about and i worry if i'll say something wrong, so i find it hard to initiate conversation first and make new friends by myself. With friends or acquaintances i prefer to be listening rather than talking due to the same reason but also because i like listening to other peoples stories as well. I have a small circle of really close friends who im comfortable with tho and thats where i can really talk and joke around a LOT, like people who i dont know very well would most likely be surprised by my actual personality, it just takes some time for me to open up :') With close friends, I'm more witty, talkative and affectionate, both physically and with words. I always try to be supportive and caring to my friends, but i also won't sugarcoat advice if it's something they need. I have a "bad" sense of humor, which just means i will laugh at the unfunniest dumb jokes and puns bcs i genuinely find them funny.

I find that i overthink and worry a lot, and i get frustrated with my lack of social skills sometimes. Like i wish i can be more open to people and i want to try new things but i just get scared of stepping out of my comfort zone and also afraid that people would find me weird and judge me. I also get stressed out easily by responsibilities(?) Like i have a to do list in my brain of assignments, exams or other things i need to do so it'll always be in the back of my mind and i can't really take a break peacefully until everything's done, although thats quite rare as im in medical school right now and have exams at least twice a month :'). Im also insecure with my body most of the time but im slowly trying to love myself more :) my favourite physical feature is probably my hair. I just love having it touched or played with or getting it braided, etc.

My hobbies nowadays are mostly watching stuff. I'll watch movies, tv shows, musicals, plays, youtube videos or anything rlly. I don't have a favourite genre either, as long as i find it enjoyable i'd watch it. I also like playing games, with my recent obsession being animal crossing :) I read fiction novels too sometimes. I just really like relaxing and chilling in bed during my downtime to recharge my energy, especially after a long day or after going out, though i dont mind doing it with another person if im comfortable with them. I'm not a very sporty or artistic person either but i play several musical instruments sometimes and i love listening to music while doing other things. I'm somehow very good at playing with kids though? Like toddlers, especially. I don't know why but I'm good at entertaining them i guess hahah so i dont mind babysitting my young cousins usually.

ok thats all i have, sorry if its a little long! thank you so much!!

»»————-　♡　————-««

Hello sweet pea~! Of course you may! I’m so sorry this took so long to get out~! Thank you so much for requesting with us~! I hope you enjoy who I’ve paired you with, and as always thank you so much for your love and support for our blog~!

» » Admin Ko

𝕀 𝕊𝕙𝕚𝕡 𝕐𝕆𝕌 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙...

ᴋᴇɴᴍᴀ ᴋᴏᴢᴜᴍᴇ

Practically the same as you, Kenma is one who isn’t necessarily shy, but finds it a hassle to interact with people. He’s not friends with many, and considers his closest group of friends to be Kuroo and Hinata (with exception of the volleyball team). You two meet really through a mutual acquaintance (Hinata) and it honestly hits off from there. He appreciates your quiet spoken personality and immensely enjoys how kind you are when listening to other’s problems and issues.

Kenma will be surprised once you begin to open up out of your shell, but it’s not unwelcome. Rather it’s a breath of fresh air from him. In comparison to Hinata’s sunshine like attitude, yours is like that of a warm spring day that he can lounge in forever. It’s to your surprise that besides playing video games, Kenma actually enjoys to de-stress by braiding and playing with your hair. It’s a feat that you don’t exactly except from the quiet setter, but it’s not unwelcome. To him, it’s absolutely endearing when he sets down his controller or phone to see you with sparkling eyes and freshly brushed hair.

Contrary to your overthinking and worrying, Kenma will be the one to help ground you and remind you of the factual evidence whilst making sure you’re not on the path to an anxiety filled panic. Not only that, but he understands your frustration in wanting to be able to communicate freely with others whilst being yourself. Besides that, Kenma is no stranger to disliking or getting out of his comfort zone. In that aspect, he can relate to the anxiety and nervous build up before a change.

When it comes to self love, he’s adamant in showing you how wonderful you are. It’s not often that he will compliment someone, but he makes the effort for you just so you remember how gorgeous you truly are to him. As for your hobbies? The moment he sees you playing animal crossing he’s demanding multiple island dates, and will most definitely gift you everything he receives in game. Anything rare or hard to create, he has already sent you the finish product along with the DIY. It’s one of his favorite types of dates with you. Besides watching movies in bed, he absolutely loves to lay side by side with you whilst you both explore the world of Animal Crossing.

#match-ups #matchup #submissions #anime matchup #submission #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu matchups #kenma x reader #kenma kozume x reader

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kweebtrash · 4 years ago

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Hey, not necessarily a sex question. But as someone who loves reading fanfic and appreciates fanfic writers, I still can't bring myself to write it. How did you get into writing fanfic, and was it ever weird for you? Do you have any advice on how to feel less weird about it? Especially smut about real people? (To be fair I can't bring myself to write smut in general idk why)

I started writing naruto and yu yu hakusho fanfiction when i was ten and it was just a regular oc and the character i liked. It wasnt good at all but i thought it was the greatest. When i met my sister (non biological) in middle school we decided to come up with our own "anime story". We would write it in notebooks and pass it to each other during class and get in trouble for it. So i guess that was the first time ive written an "original" story. By the time i was 12 i knew what sex was (mostly) and i knew teenagers did it (my characters were teenagers) so i was like oh if they like each other then they should do it. But because i was 12 i was like THATS ICKY TO WRITE ABOUT (in detail) so i made them get in bed and then skipped ahead and wrote THE NEXT DAY 😂😂😂

Then when i got access to a laptop and internet thats when i round "real" fanfiction online and smut back when it was called "lemon/lime/citrus" whatever the fuck that means. I still remember my first one was about neji hyuga LMAO.

I started reading more fanfiction throughout my teenager years and kept writing for anime, wrote bandfiction, created a bunch of OCs to rp with my partner at the time and i think by the time i actually started having sex that i was like ok this isnt so weird to write about anymore. So when we would rp we would just text each other sex scenes and i guess it became normalized because we were doing it irl so writing about it was just like hey! We sorta know what were doing! Oh i also used to watch a lot of porn as a teen? Idk why. That stopped after like a year or so but i found out shit through that, like bdsm, squirting, how utterly gross blowjobs are, what a hitachi wand was, how much i hate spit, etc. So that actually helped me discover like my beginning kinks. Porn is still terrible tho.

I think the first time i wrote smut was with a wrestling fanfic? And i had been reading a bunch of fics that had smut and with my basic knowledge and slowly finding out what phrases i liked in order to describe things it flowed a little more naturally but it was still hard.

Then i think i didnt really write much until i wrote my pentagon story which i think is terrible but other people like it. I guess with my practicing, experience, and sex education it started becoming easier? You can tell in my pentagon story that i was still getting back into the swing of things bc my sex scenes are atrocious and ridiculous 😅

I never really liked reading series myself bc i didnt want just prose and build up. I wanted smut. I was like THATS WHAT I CAME HERE FOR. So i made it a point to write smut in every single chapter so that way people stayed interested. In doing so it also helped me practice and get better. Then i read A LOT of bad kpop fics and was like....why dont these people know that sex isnt like porn??

There is a lot of copying in kpop fics in the sense that a lot of them are written the same way and we get the usual; some u realistic giant dick, "ministrations, pussy, cunt", kitten every other word, thigh riding, everyone confusing abuse with bdsm, "daddy" popping up left and right without going in depth to what meaning that holds, random weird shit. And i realized WOW I REALLY HATE KPOP FANFICS lol. So when i started writing messy i was like OK FUCK THIS IM GONNA WRITE SEX LIKE HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO GO. Then i starting writing smut where the condom broke, they talked about birth control, having a mental breakdown during sex, sexual assault, accidentally wacking each other while moving around, giggling, talking, explaining what you want. This i think helped me a lot, especially with my mental trauma that was associated with sex. I wanted to make it fun and real while also possibly teaching my readers about sex and maybe influencing other fic writers to not just regurgitate what they read.

As far as advice, im not quite sure if i have any?? Maybe i do lol. Take it with a grain of salt maybe?

With writing i would suggest

Read fics you like and highlight key phrases or actions you think are sexually appealing

Practice writing shorter scenes, you can even do time stamps or drabbles, things like that-people love those on here

Look into things. Honestly i knew what a cock ring was but someone requested i USE it in a fic and i was like shit guess i gotta google how to use a cock ring and while awkwardly watching videos of guys putting these things on i learned about metal ones, cages, silicone, rubber, rings, how long you should keep it on for, etc. So RESEARCH! is key too

If youve never had sex before that also helps if you research. Porn can give you a little bit of knowledge in generic motions or toys to use but by no means is it great as far as realism and sometimes its just plain icky.

So porn can be a basis, research can be a middle layer, reading other fics and seeing what you like and dont like is on top, and writing ur own is like...idk frosting lol.

As far as being weird with real people; since i wrote bandfiction and wrestling fics i was used to writing about real people for a little under ten years or so. Also i have a really active mind at night and i have tons of sex dreams that fit into like a story based setting. Thats where all my ideas for prose, dialogue and smut come from. Not everyone ofc has a brain like that but writing down things here and there might work. Lets say you have a favorite idol moment-like some really slutty dance move during a performance, you could time stamp that for inspiration. Save a lot of gifs and pics of them looking *chefs kiss*, listen to some music (i like alina baraz, sabrina claudio, galant, alex tbh, and jooyong for softer, gentler scenes or if you wanna get freak nastie listen to some dumbass jae park, or pretty ricky, or any sex related song thats not pretty lmao. Like rude boy by rihanna or something with a hard beat).

I think its also good to try and picture yourself in a sexual situation. You dont have to look like you, you could make up however you want to look in the scenario, its fantasy after all. Also think "would i like this?" Like i wont write about some idol spitting in my mouth or slapping me or peeing on me or something because thats not stuff that im into and i would be forcing myself to appease someone else and the writing woukd end up sucking big time. This also doesnt help the lack of good fics bc people are just following the requests they get even if they dont like it. I would write about what i think id feel in the moment. Id probably be nervous or if im pretending i could be a cool badass, i would think about things that i find attractive like his (imma use his bc i do write mostly about boy idols) face in the shadows of the light, how nice or soft his lips look, they way hes conveying emotions and looking at me if we were in love or if we were angry, the hold he has on me, why would it be going slow? Is it sad makeup sex? Is it a first time together? Is it just comforting after a bad day? Why would they be rough? Are they angry? Had a fight? Had a slow burn relationship and its culminated into a big explosion? Did they hate each other but hide their true feelings?

So i would suggest not just thinking about sex but thinking about the moment and all the things that lead up to, happen during, and the aftermath of it.

And of course if you don't understand anything or need more info about sex you can always ask me!

I hope this help and sorry its long😅😅😅😅

#i love my readers!

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nowhereiswhereibelong · 5 years ago

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73 Questions

I mas tagged by: @mrs-machinegun-norris about two centuries ago sorry

On a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now?

• 5

Describe yourself in a hashtag?

• #sadbicht

• Cause I'm a bad bicht you can't kill me, only I do that

If you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be?

• Aaron Taylor-Johnson

• Colson Backer

If your life was a musical, what would the marquee say?

• The crazy bisexual is on the loose

What’s one thing people don’t know about you?

• That I cant handle silence

What’s your wake up ritual?

• All my cats and family yells at me till I roll of take my meds and stare at the wall till I'm late

What’s your go to bed ritual?

• Make sure I cleaned the litter box and that my cats have food and water then is up to bed and reading anything and everything till I fall a sleep

What’s your favourite time of day?

• Night time (I get the zoomies), or when I'm home alone

Your go to for having a good laugh?

• I really like comedy and some that make me laugh even when I watched 1000 times: John Mulaney, Daniel Sloss, Russel Howard and Sarah Millican

Dream country to visit?

• As many as I can! I have an extensive list

What’s the biggest surprise you’ve had?

• Last semester 3 professors at university were really supportive and understanding and I didnt expect them to be so kind or belive in me that much.

Heels or flats/sneakers?

• Sneakers everywhere all the time for any given reason

Vintage or new?

• Vintage bits and pisses of different eras but late 80s early 90s give me live

• And I'm obsessed with 70s buildings dont know why

Who do you want to write your obituary?

• An creative stranger - go nuts dude freak people out

Style icon?

• dont have one I guess

What are three things you can’t live without?

• My cats

• My phone

• My guitar

What’s one ingredient you put in everything?

• I'm crazy about mustard

• My dad always says anything salivary can be better with cheese and anything sweet be better with chocolate - not that far from the truth

What 3 people living or dead would you like to make dinner for?

• Elvis Presley

• Jane Fonda

• Janis Joplin

What’s your biggest fear in life?

• Failure

• The dark

Window or aisle seat?

• Window: you can look at the view, it's better for sleeping and during the day sunlight for reading

What’s your current TV obsession?

• A have many, it's a problem, but right now mind hunter

Favourite app?

• Instagram and tumblr

Secret talent?

• I like to lie to myself and say acting but maybe just weirdly good at pretending to be good at things (ain't that the joke huh)

Most adventurous thing you’ve done in your life?

• I would say it was dumb, stupid and streamly dangerous but when I was 16 a friend and I went to some guys house in a very weird neighborhood and lied to our parents about it and only 1 other friend new (also our taxi couldn't find the house). We meet those two guys at a friends party and they said that they were throwing one and that we should go, and our dumb selfdestruting alcohol hunting minds though, why not. It was not a party. It was just a hang out with us and one other guy and to this day I dont know how we left at 7am (the only way to get out of there was the first bus because uber wasn't a thing yet and me and my friend were to scared of what kind taxi driver we would find) unharmed and not sexually harassed, given that one of the dudes that our friends new more hated me for a few months for not putting out for him, cause you know, men.

• I'm absolutely sure they wanted a sex party that didnt happen. But I did show my unasked skills of knowing every single black veil brides lyrics.

How would you define yourself in three words?

• Anxious

• Laud

• Loyal

Favourite piece of clothing you own?

• The stolen 80s tshirts from my dad

• High waisted shorts

Must have clothing item everyone should have?

• A comfortable pair of jean shorts that you feel pretty in

Superpower you would want?

• To stop time

• I get to anxious trying to time manage and it just snowballs from there. And sleeping in without being always late.

What’s inspiring you in life right now?

• Machine Gun Kelly (I stared listening to his stuff a few months ago)

• But always and forever is the passion that moves people

Best piece of advice you’ve received?

• Be/do to other people what you wanted to be done for you

Best advice you’d give your teenage self?

• It's not just on your head it's a real thing, you're lot alone, and it ok to need help.

A book that everyone should read?

• Harry Potter: that even thou I have read multiple times it still is amazing and full of symbolism that people brush through some times.

• Women who run with the wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés

• My older sister made me start this book and its absolutely live changing and I belive should be obligatory to all women in this world. This book is a live long work by this psychologist and through miths, legends, folk tales and stories she puts together what she calls the wild women archetype and what is the feminine instinct is and how those tales teach us about it and how to have a healthy relationship with her.

What would you like to be remembered for?

• For being kind

How do you define beauty?

• It's an powerfull force within

What do you ~love most~ only love about your body?

• The shape of my eyes

Best way to take a rest/decompress?

• Listening to music and dancing around

Favourite place to view art?

• I dont understand sorry

If your life were a song, what would the title be?

• Static supernova

If you could master one instrument, what would it be?

• Guitar and piano cant choose only one

If you had a tattoo, where would it be?

• My planned ones:

• Orca

• Felix felicis

• Tree

• Mother earth

• Penicillin allergy (I dont trust nobody)

Dolphins or koalas?

• Dolphins

• Did you y'all know that orcas not only aren't whales but belong on the same family as dolphins?

What’s your spirit animal?

• Orca

Best gift you’ve ever received?

• My cats (even thou there are rescues they're my little special gifts from nature)

Best gift you’ve ever given?

• On my best friend wedding my friend and I gave a performance as siluetes (it was private beach and all the light were off and we had the car headlights behind us) I played the song you are in love by taylor swift while she did an beautiful performance on silks the song represented their relationship and how she shared it if us in a very sacred way and the silks was a representation of her herself and how the 3 of us saw in the last few years her transformation from a very broken person to the women she was born to be.

• Yes we were crying the hole time but was the most genuine and beautiful think I ever done so yeah

What’s your favourite board game?

• Dix it, its awesome go play it pls

What’s your favourite colour?

• Petrol blue

Least favourite colour?

• The color of lentil soup my mom makes it looks like a baby have serious digestive problems

Diamonds or pearls?

• Diamonds of the symbolic value of "the pressure that could've break us made us into diamonds insted"

Drugstore makeup or designer?

• Drugstore makeup, the one I know that are real brands hauahauahs

Blow-dry or air-dry?

• Air-dry

Pilates or yoga?

• Pilates even thou I must prefer sports mostly

Coffee or tea?

• My blood is coffee at this point

What’s the weirdest word in the English language?

• Wolrd, because English is not my first language and specially in an American accent the pronunciation of wolrd if simply the worst and is absolutely obnoxious and unsettling.

Dark chocolate or milk chocolate?

• Dark

• But my absolut favored is a 70% cacao white chocolate. It's incredible but I only got to buy it twice :(

Stairs or elevator?

• Stairs, I also love to sit on them

Summer or winter?

• Winter. I only like heat if I'm inside very cold water

You are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat?

• If nutrition value doesn't matter, ice cream

A desert you don’t like?

• Orange cake. Bad memories and I vomit every time I try to eat it.

A skill you’re working on mastering?

• Singing and playing the guitar

Best thing to happen to you today?

• I think I made a online friend :D

Best compliment you’ve ever received?

• That I'm kind

Favourite smell?

• Buttering sugar

Hugs or kisses?

• Hugs i Iike to be permanently attached to some people at times

If you made a documentary, what would it be about?

• Domestic violence

• Parenting

Last piece of content you consumed that made you cry?

• Today I was trying to play this song called Ronan and cryed my eyes out like all the other times I tried before It's a song of child cancer in the mother's perspective

Lipstick or lip gloss?

• Lipstick

• I'm a red matte lip stan

Sweet or savoury?

• Sweet

Girl crush?

• Billie Elish

How you know you’re in love?

• The only time I think I've been in love I only realised it because they left and I didnt understand why i was severely hurt by it and changed the way I created all relationships after that. And then it hit me

• So pain and heartache.... yeah that's depressing as shit

Song you can listen to on repeat?

• When the sun goes down - Arctic Monkeys

If you could switch lives with someone for a day who would it be?

• My own self but not a anxious depressed mess just to feel what it's like

What are you most excited about at this time in your life?

• That I dont need to make decisions

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blookmallow · 5 years ago

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so i met the prince of madness, discovered some Weird Shit, and made another character despite never using the second one i already made

---

i was minding my own business walking down an abandoned corridor and suddenly im in this mad tea party in the middle of some spooky woods

OH !!! FUCK

what a LOOK

i had to help a guy dealing with his tiny, tiny personification of courage getting beat up by Self Doubt and Anger i could NOT make this up if i tried

sheogorath also gave me these clothes apparently bc i had them for some reason. this is incredibly silly

SO I WENT ON A MISSION WITH FARKAS AND UH

APPARENTLY MY FRIENDS HAVE BEEN WEREWOLVES ALL ALONG. THE MORE YOU FUCKIN KNOW

i legit did not see this coming at ALL but im a lil annoyed that i got tricked into joining the werewolves but seem to not be allowed to join vampires (i know if you get attacked by a vampire you have a chance of catching vampirism from them but like. vampires are mostly just Enemies like bandits or w/e)

farkas says the. silver hand or whatever they’re called are “bad people who don’t like werewolves” but arent they doing the same thing the dawnguard are doing. i dont understand the werewolf/vampire lore in this at all like

vampires are mostly just enemies, there’s a league dedicated to hunting them who seem to be mostly considered heroes, the guards mention these hunters positively, they recruit openly in whiterun

vampires seem to be pretty universally hated and considered evil

but the companions, a pretty highly respected guild, are all werewolves (it’s probably not totally common knowledge, but they are, ) the werewolf hunters are depicted as the bad guys, every werewolf ive met so far has been a friendly npc / at least someone you can hold a conversation with, while every vampire has been just an Enemy

the companions seem to be able to control their werewolf powers and transform at will rather than randomly, but the guy in falkreath cant control it and murdered a child/is outcast by society

so i guess “its ok to be a werewolf If you can control it” seems to be the verdict here but then i havent seen anyone claiming its ok to be a vampire if you can control it?? i dont know skyrim’s vampire rules but usually they’re able to survive on animal blood or by like, consensual feeding that doesnt take enough to kill the host. werewolves and vampires both can’t necessarily help what they are but it seems like way more of a choice to become a werewolf. i guess vampires Have to drink blood and werewolves dont Have to hurt people but they cant. help that

idk theres some weird double standards going on here and as a person who loves vampires and doesnt care for werewolves im just :/

farkas might also be in love with me now

(ive read you Can marry him but he hasnt noticed my amulet of mara despite. saying shit like That :’) im not rly interested in him tho. i like him but i dont Like him like him. hes maybe second on the list of ‘If I Had To Pick A Dude’)

i found two of the same guy out in the wilderness

like. its hard to see here but it was, im pretty sure, the same model, twice. the same voice. the same lines. it was very strange :’) im guessing theres probably a pool of random hunters/travelers/bandits/whatever you can run into that just sort of get generated into the world and. something went wrong

i dont remember what we were talking about but i suggested Why Not Simply Eat The Soul Gem and she was delighted by my innovative ideas. im on a quest to retrieve a spoon for her that she somehow lost halfway across the country. i love her

i just figured out who she reminds me of she is absolutely tannis,

then i also made another character despite the fact that i already never use my khajiit but shh

this is amaranth shes horrible and shes on a mission to Wreck Everyone’s Shit

she has very faint swirl tattoos on her face and i wish id made them brighter, i liked the subtleness of it but you effectively just cant see it ever

not that it Really matters so much what my characters look like since u cant see them 90% of the time but Listen

i can fix it when i get her to riften i guess though

anyways she wants to be a powerful mage, has No morals, wants to kill every last imperial for what they (almost) did to her, but doesnt really support the stormcloaks either, just supports Herself and Chaos

shes not trying to just Murder Literally Everyone In Her Path but like. is basically looking for Any excuse to kill someone. doesnt want either side to win. just wants to watch the world burn. probably going to join and betray Both sides

i dont remember why i murdered a guard (i remember it was in belethor’s shop so i probably tried to steal something and failed) but anyway, i murdered a guard, and can just like. walk around town wearing the clothes i stole off his corpse and nobody minds

they minded very much that i killed him lmao but i gave up trying to fight the guards bc more kept coming so i just took the jail time and now im forgiven, I Guess,

seems like owning a full set of guard armor, which includes a helmet that obscures your face completely, would be a great way to disguise yourself to do crimes but i dont seem to be recognized as a guard wearing this/people still know who you are somehow

im not sure how much awareness npcs have of what you’re wearing like i get comments about my stuff sometimes (’lightly armored means light on your feet! smart!’ ‘favor the bow, eh? im a sword man myself’) but then no one seems to care if im walking around wearing vampire armor and a weird cultist mask, so

#lucy plays skyrim #scooby dooby queue

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bkdkink · 6 years ago

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here’s part 2 for the ehhhh stuff

“okay, so dy,” you ask, “if it looks good and plays well, story is excellent and music is perfect, wtf is up your ass about it then?”

so bear with me. what i am about to straight-up complain about rn is by no means anything major or even something that should prevent anyone from ever being apart of the game and its story. these are minor, personal complaints that i want to vent out, and if it so happens that i have people who agree with me then great! if not, then yeah i totally understand because people see the story differently and want different things, as life goes.

long rant ahead, beware.

so the negative about kh3, ill start with the annoying and lead up to the heart-crushing part (yet expected) part first.

The Frozen and Tangled levels were rough. lmao, not skill-wise, no. Just. Tangled was going through the whole damn movie......right? without songs and certain minor characters, but we...went through the whole movie with Rapunzel and it was sooooo awkward to watch the cutscenes....because sora, donald and goofy were just. there. they did nothing to progress the story. they were just....there? eugene died. they witnessed a man DIE. and it was........anticlimatic a little in how they reacted???? like that they dont quite understand death so they were just like awwwwww :/ and then he came back so yeah, but. it was so weird?? with them there???? why were they there??? why this way???? why not make up a whole new story or add to it or something or other??? is it cuz she’s one of the new 7 princesses of light so we had to do a whole thing??? cuz we didn’t for any other princess??? oh besides Frozen.

Frozen was the worst level for me. just the worst. i never liked the movie, so that’s strike one, strike two is i had to re-listen to two of those infamous songs.......because sora had to listen to them. why....when....when was there disney songs shot frame-per-frame.....in KH? and no, ariel in KH2 doesn’t count because that whole WORLD was a MUSICAL WORLD. the only actions you could take was THROUGH muSICcccCCCCC.

my point is that there was too much pandering going on there, also the story was just as nonsensical as it was in the movie. if i never saw it i would have been so confused as to where that brunette dude came from, how he got Elsa, WHY he wanted to kill her---the game (tangled was a tad bit guilty of this too, wtf did Rapunzel start calling Flynn Eugene? i saw the movie so i knew but they didn’t explain that until their world was finished) so....good luck to whoever did watch the movies?? KH assumes you’ve seen both of them, compared to the Carribbean where I never saw the movie but i knew wtf was going on??? also big hero 6, never saw that but could get the gist!!!!

they were just WAY too movie heavy which isn’t the usual for the series, and im sure if they are included in the next game itll be a different experience because the movies are now established, so there hopefully there won’t be any pandering from Frozen’s end too much.

Now......the stuff that is more personal. okay here goes.

KH, from the jump, has somewhat kinda tried to establish a maybe romantic angle between Sora and Kairi. Now, because of how friendship heavy the whole series is and the love friends share....I for one never picked that up until i was reading tvtropes and i was reading up on Kairi being one of the main reasons that Sora and Riku were even beefy in the first game to being with??? the both liked her but she chose Sora or something????? that shit flew so far over my head and no, i wasn’t a child playing the first game for the first time---this was only a couple years ago. i just....did not...pick up romantic interest? i picked up...friend?? because they kept saying....Friend™?

anyway, series goes on, Kairi is known to the fandom as being written mostly out of focus and is never used well enough in the plot. and i agree. they never used her to her potential, and even in KH3, where she is now a keyblade wielder, she still becomes something to save...............even in the very end.........even when she and Sora had their moment of “imma save you this time!” .....no........sora still leaves to go and save her.............so.like.......yay for....growth? kinda....? i just feel bad for her tbh.

that’s one thing. the main, large thing that i did see coming but was disappointed in nonetheless was that several games later of pushing her aside, of focusing much more on the relationship between Sora and Riku with an ENITRE GAME narrowed in on both of them and their journey toGETher---KH3 begins to focus on the romantic angle between Sora and Kairi again. and its obvious enough where NOW yes, even I picked up on it this time around.

and at this point......it just.....came off so forced? they lay it on thiccccccc my dudes. and it feels like it. yes, there are still moments between Riku and Sora, sure, but that is down-played SOOO much compared to fuggin KH:DDD or hell even KH2....

like.........i don’t expect any gay male video game protags from Square Enix, I really dont. but i also dont want some last-minute romance shoved down my throat??? when i was fine with how it was before??? maybe if they still kept the subtly that they had done and with newer games continuing to build off of that, I wouldn’t be so put off by the idea. KH2 did a good job of building it, like when Sora imagined Kairi and him dancing together in halloween town--that was cute af?????? and well integrated????? and could STILL be taken as him just missing a FRIEND or yeah, a potential love interest! but just. jesus. you didn’t care about them being together then, don’t do it now because it comes off a little cheap.

also fuck Riku i guess???? kairi doesn’t give a fuck about Riku at all?/??? is the overall vibe i was getting???lmao aren’t all 3 of them friends??????? no???????? kairi only messes with sora and riku only messes with sora?????? can i get some uhhhhhhhhhhh riku and kairi time too or nah????? we had a moment of them at the beginning of the game i guess and then....that was....kinda it? so fucking disappointing how they write her man. she’s so much more than a love interest and there are moments when that shows, but there’s too many where she just....is only sora-focused?

you want an example of how forced it was that they were switching Sora’s relationship from Riku to Kairi? now don’t quote me on this i could very well be wrong because i never actively listened for bkg music until DDD, but Dearly Beloved? the titular theme song for every single KH menu and emotional scenes? the theme song that DDD later ESTABLISHED in CANON that it was Riku and Sora’s heart song playing together????? a song that plays in some kinda version whenever Sora and Riku are having a moment??????? WELP. i wanna say they still kept it for Sora and Riku for at least one cutscene with them together. at least. i can’t name others, but they at least did it once cuz i remember getting excited about it.

they now played it more frequently whenever Kairi showed up on screen, or when she and Sora were having a moment together.

SORA. and RIKUS song....playing now for SORA and KAIri???? please correct me if im wrong, absolutely tell me if im wrong that im just not observant and it’s always been like that because tbh that’ll make this better for me lol but they just took Riku and went YEET. “Sora is the hero. Sora gets the girl because of course he does. Sora is GOD and fuck yall for not expecting him to have a love interest at the end of this and YES it will be a girl and YES it WILL be the one we keep forgetting about to make his love interest up until now because yall were getting the most wrongest ideas of where this was going so we’ll fix that right up for ya”

i still loved the game. hell, even with the ending like that (”i gotta go save Kairi! again! even though we had a whole thing with the papou fruit about how she was going to save me and protect me this time! and i gotta do it alllll by myself!!! she has a keyblade you say???? she wants to be more useful to me you say???? well FUCK that imma go rescue her because im Sora and i am hero boy!!”) i still had a good time! it really is a good game, please go play it to get all the feels in the world, if this minor stuff is minor for you too, then go play it RIGHT. NOW!!!!!

but yeah. ya girl was disappointed by how forced it was. expected it, but still doesn’t negate how i feel in the end. so now im gonna indulge in soriku art.

Rant over! if you actually read over this and wanna talk about it, feel free to hit me up! let’s rant together. maybe im wrong and too focused on my ship and i have ship glasses on too tight.

#kh #kingdom hearts #sora #riku #kairi #soriku #destiny trio #wayfinder trio #dyrants #kh3 #kingdom hearts 3 #kh3 spoilers #spoilers #kh spoilers

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dark-angel666 · 6 years ago

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You have your mothers eyes

Summary: You and the boys tell jack that family isn’t just in blood but in those around you....I guess idk I’m bad at summaries. Enjoy! or not I can’t tell ya what to do.

You walked into the bunkers library to find Cas, Sam and Jack all working separately in silence. You’re eyes scanned the room and fell on Jack sitting gazing at a book not really reading it but more staring at the words lost in thought, you lightly placed yourself down in a chair beside him trying no to startle him “Penny for your thoughts” you asked peeking your head around behind the book to get his attention. Jack sprung to life “uhh I umm” looked at you muddled “Its an expression” your words fell flat in your throat and decided you explain it another time “whats on your mind you seem…distant” you asked him genuinely concerned. Jack closed the book and placed it silently on the table “Am I going to be like my father?” his voice flowed heavily from behind his lips, the room grew smaller as all attention fell to you and Jack. “Why do you ask that jack?” Cas inquired looking probingly at Jack. “I heard Dean telling Sam that he's as stubborn as their father, so I started reading about inherited behaviours” Jack said tapping the psychology book he has been reading…well staring at mostly. “Jack just because Lucifer is bad doesn't mean you will be” Sam said doing his best to reassure Jack. “But it says that children inherit behavioural traits from their parents how can anything i inherit from Lucifer not be evil” Jack said his voice rising a little, he was encompassed with fear at what he could become. You placed a hand on Jacks shoulder “Jack traits aren't inherently good or evil its how you use them” Jack looked at you his eyes almost begging for answers. You found your words carefully before speaking “Jack I've seen some of your fathers traits in you” Castiel went to interject but you threw him a look imploring him to trust you know what you were doing. “You have his determination” Jacks face paled with fear, you gripped his shoulder tighter “but Jack determination isn’t evil its a firmness of purpose Jack, sure Lucifers determination usually is for the purpose of destroying the world” you shrugged your shoulders in a comedic fashion in an attempt to lighten the situation to little success “BUT Jack your determination has been used to save people”. Colour returned to Jacks face “Jack your determination brought Mary back to her boys, it saved so many people from Michael and this thirst for destruction” Jack nodded at you gingerly. “Jack you may have traits of his but you will never be him, anyway you got so much more from your mother” Jack looked eagerly at you wanting to hear more.

“You have your mothers eyes ”Jack looked up at you quizzically delicately tracing his under eyes “but my eyes are blue” A soft giggle escaped the corner of your mouth at his confusion, you brought his hand into yours “no jack what I mean is” you looked around the table for Sam’s laptop “here” you said pulling the laptop in front of you both and opening the video file of kelly. “I love you so much” kelly cried sweetly before you paused the video “Look into her eyes jack what do you see?”. Jack lightly titled his head at you questioningly ‘Go on” you nodded to the screen. Jack turned and studies his mother eyes intently “Tears and sadness” he said lowering his head to his chest, you placed a hand under his chin and guided his eyes to yours. “Oh jack, do you wanna know what I see?” he nodded gently. you pulled the screen closer to you both and made sure jack was focused on his mothers eyes. “Jack when I look into your mothers eyes the first thing I see is love so so much love and an unending pool of kindness. I also see hope and faith and the unbreakable desire to do good” Jacks listened intently as he scanned his mothers eyes taking in every word. you gave him a moment before bringing his eyes back to yours “and when I look into your eyes jack I see that same love and kindness, and faith but most of all I see that same desire to do good and be good”. Jack smiled warmly at you “That jack is why you have your mothers eyes, not for the colour of them but for the soul in them and they are so beautiful” jack leant back in his chair and started at the image of his mother smiling at her eyes as if only seeing them for the first time.

You looked up to see Sam and Castiel looking at you smiling and nodding at you in agreement, you studied Castiels face. “And you've got Castiels face” Cas gave you the same look jack had given you moments before as he tilted his head, you shook your head gently and smiled “I mean much much younger looking tho” you giggled out, your giggle was joined by a slight chuckle from Sam. While jack and Cas wore mirroring looks of perplexity at your statement “ I swear they do that on purpose” you said to Sam gesturing at their shared expression. You and Sam shared a chuckle before you moved on to clarify your statement “What I mean is that you don't just get things from the family you are born of you are also made up of the family you are born into” their expressions softened a little but you knew you needed to further explain yourself. “The people around us help form who we are and in you jack I see elements of people like Cas and Sam and Dean” you saw a glimmer of pride in Jacks face he liked hearing himself compared to the men he looked up to, he looked eager to hear more as did Cas and Sam. “You’ve got a face that has seen more pain and death than any face ever should see” Jacks eyes grew sad “but its a face that never truly loses hope” Jack looked up at Cas and studied his face. “Cas has been through so much, he has made mistakes and seen atrocities but he's never given up not truely” You looked deeply into Castiels face remembering all the times before that you have looked to that same face for hope. “No matter how low we have been, no matter how hopeless the situation I can always look to Cas and see hope because he never gives up, not on us, not on heaven, not on you and I see that same hope in you” you looked to Jack as he watched you intently “your face wears signs of war but is not worn by war, its still so bright and full of hope” you delicately cup jacks cheek in your hand as he gently leans into it. “You also have the same nose” You say as pull you hand from his cheek and ‘Boop’ Jacks nose. Jack and Cas both look at each other while examining their noses, Sam just looks at them giving an acknowledging nod and slight hum “hmmm”.

Jack then turns back to you tentatively waiting for you to continue, you look between Jack and Sam before landing on a point in your mind. “You have Sam’s voice” the room is silent, no one quite sure how to respond to that, “Metaphorically” you say rolling your eyes a little. Jack nods at you if understanding but the utter vacant look on his face makes his confusion clear, you sigh gently “Sam is a walking fountain of knowledge, inspiring speeches, logic, reason and kind words” Sam looked at you with an unsure but thankful look “ no matter how far off the deep end the people around him go Sam is always there to call their name and pull them back, he has talked me off many a ledge” Sam’s eyes lit up quizzically, you could feel his glaze burrow into you. “Whether he knows it or not Sam has come to me in my darkest hours, moments before going out on reckless hunt or to do something just down right dumb and even just a simple conversation is filled with words of wisdom spoken through unrelenting kindness” Jack nodded in agreement remembering the times Sam has reassured him of his worth and that he is indeed good. “And you have that same voice jack, a voice bathed in kindness and full of love for those around you” Jack smiled widely at you full of pride. “And you've got Deans heart”. They all looked at you as if fully understanding what you meant but still wanting you to continue, “Dean has such a big heart full of the desire to do good” your head hung slightly “but so caught up in turmoil, you both have this burning fear that your will and desire to do good doesn't out weight the bad that you’ve done that you could do” the room grew heavier as the truth of that statement settled into place. “But you’re both so wrong” Jacks eyes met yours and for a moment you swam in their desire for good before continuing “you both fight so hard to save the ones you love, the whole damn world putting your whole heart into everyone else that you forget just how special you are” you notice a fleck of disappointment in jacks eyes and it pains you “Not because you’re a Nephilim or the chosen vessel or some prophesy of biblical proportions but because you are both deep down at heart good people doing their best in a broken world and are willing to not only die for those you love but more importantly you’re willing to live for them”. The room sat quietly for a moment until jack looked up at you and asked “What about you?” now you were the quizzical one “What about me?” you asked perplexed, “What do I get from you?”. You hum genuinely unsure of how to answer “I don’t know” you looked Jack up and down noticing his velcro shoes and laughed “Probably terrible fashion sense why on earth did I let you get old man shoes” the room chuckled while Jack looked at his shoes unsure of what to make of the statement, when the sound was broken by a new voice. “Your smile” Dean’s voice occupied with room as all heads snapped around to see him standing in the entrance to the bunkers library with a six pack in hand, a small pool of water building below as the cold beers condensation dripped onto the floor marking the passage of time. “He’s got your smile” Dean repeated as he moved further into the room slowly handing out beers to the rooms occupants before seating himself next to you and handing you an open beer as he continued. “you’ve got a genuine smile that spreads from your cupids bow and reaches beyond the corners of your mouth to your eyes” Dean stared at you as a smile spread across your face, you were unable to stop it “But it’s higher on one side” Castiel chimed in. You looked at the angel genuinely shocked that had paid close attention to your smile, “Its can be rare but its always genuine, its never there to hide pain its like a sacred thing” Sam said nodding softy at you “You never want to taint it with sorrow so you keep that certain smile for special occasions” Dean finished Sam’s train of thought. “And I see it in Jack, that special smile of genuine happiness and hope as if given to him as gift” Dean said before taking another swig of his beer. Jack looked at your smile and felt as one corner of his mouth raised high than the other into a smile “I like it” he chirped “thank you for your smile” Jack said sweetly. You all sat contently drinking and just chatting for the rest of the night not about monster or the apocalypse on the horizon that could wait for tomorrow but tonight was a night to just forget the bad and enjoy the good while it lasted, if it lasted.

#supernatural #supernatural jack #jack kline #dean winchester #Sam Winchester #castiel #supernatural fic

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arthurflecksgirl · 5 years ago

Text

Mysterious stranger /Arthur being stalked by you

This was a request by someone on Twitter :)

Arthur is being stalked by a pretty girl /YOU

I decited to write from Arthurs view and the girls view.

So it switches.

Arthur and reader

Romance

Warnings: Nothing really, mentions of mental illness,

ENJOY :) <3

ARTHUR I just woke up all sweaty in in the middle of the night one more time. My insomnia was getting bad again. I felt like it has been getting worse since mum was at the hospital. I was worried about her condition. I even forgot to take my meds yesterday, which was bad. The pills helped me to find some rest at night. Without them my mind was racing, keeping me awake. Driving me INSANE. I usually started to write in my journal when I couldnt sleep but without my medication there were just black scribbles all over the diary when I looked at the pages. The last time I was off my meds I wrote the whole night through and when I looked in my journal the next morning,there was nothing but blank pages. Nothing. So, there is a reason I shouldnt forget to take them. But too many thoughts ran through my head yesterday, I just didnt thought of anything else. First of all I thought about Penny and if I was the reason she ended up at the hospital. I felt like I am a burden to her. She always told me I was brought into the world to spread joy and laughter. But she doesnt even think i`m funny. Imagin what a disappointment I must be to her.I was born for a reason and I couldnt even fullfill my destiny. This shit really kept me awake. And some other thing... A week ago I just came home from my therapist. And when I was waiting on the tram station, there was this girl in the middle of the crowd. She just kept on staring at me like... I don`t know. She just did. And it kinda scared me.I wasnt used to peope staring at me like that. Usually I was the one observing things around me. Watching people. I always tried to observe. I need it for my jokes. The best jokes are inspired by real life actions. Stuff you see happening on the streets. I also watched people closely to understand what they are laughing about and how they react to jokes. Sometimes I sat on a table at Pogos and made little notes about what I think is important. I really wanted people to like me. I wanted be a light for them. Gotham needs some light. I wanted to be listened to and I wanted to be seen. I`ve got a lot to say but I`ve never talked to others cuz I didn`t knew how to start a conversation. So I watched and learned how others managed to do that. I realized that my timing is a bit off when I laughed at others jokes. I`m wasn`t sure why. I needed to find out. Anyway, I wasn`t used to someone staring at me. I always wished someone did and when I saw that girl I should have been happy that she saw me but I didnt knew what to do about it. I wasnt sure WHY she was looking at me the way she did. If it was for good or for bad reasons. And I guess thats what made me insecure about the whole situation. As soon as I got in the tram I kinda forgot about it but two days later I saw her again. I was standing in the pharmacy and was just about to pay, when I saw her standing outside the window. She was beautiful. There is no doubt it was the same girl. She was looking at me again. I payed and when I turned around she was gone. For a moment there I was scared it might be another episode of hallucinations. That would be really bad. But it could be. I mean... why should a pretty face like her standing there, staring at me TWICE? I`m afraid this isnt really happening. Dr Kane said I should watch out for more hallucinations, especially about girls. So I will.

YOU This city made me sick. It`s beent two weeks since I moved here and already hated it here. It was grey, it smelled and people were rude. I didnt wanted to become one of the peole here. It seemed like it was a bad desicion to move here in the first place, but I couldnt afford to pay rent anymore, so I ended up here, in this really bad neighborhood. I felt like I screwed up my life. Sleep was something I barely remembered. Every night I was lying awake, afraid of someone might brak into my apartment. Like I said... bad neighborhood.You couldnt trust anyone here. A week ago I got so nerveous while trying to sleep that I got up, made some tea and watched out the window. Even at night people walked down the streets, mostly homeless guys. It was one ugly, rainy, cold night. I sipped on my tea and watched the raindrops falling on the dark pavement. Like the whole city was crying out loud. I burned my tongue on the hot cup . I swear I saw someone standing in the window across the street. But it was no one there. Oh great, I thought. Two weeks here in Anderson avenue and you already start to see shadowns at night. But then I saw it again. It wasnt a shadow. It was a man standing in his kitchen, smoking a cigarette. Oh, just a neighbor, no shadows. Good. I realized that I could see most of the kitchen, his curtains were kinda see though. He turned around so I could see his profile. He had almost shoulder long, bown hair, slightly curly, a beautiful jawline and high cheekbones. I could tell from the distance that he was indeed very beautiful. I turnedmy light off to make sure he couldnt see me standing at the window, looking into his. But he didnt looked out the window anyway. It looked like he was talking to someone, but as far as I could tell he was the only one in the room. I watched him puttig down his cigarette as he took off his dark red sweater. I didnt expected him to be this thin. It seemed like he stopped talking and suddenly he started to raise his hands above his head, moving gracefully. He was dancing all alone by himself. In his kitchen. I couldnt help but staring at him and started to feel kinda bad for watching this behind my curtain. But something about him was just so insanly attractive. i stared at his fragile chest, his bony ribs, his messy bed hair. I guess he couldn`t find sleep, just like me. I wondered if he was sleepwalking. The way he moved was extraordinary. Suddenly he stopped. I almost got scared because I was so drawn to his dance moves, it seemed so unnatural to just stop. I took a step back from my window because he came a step closer to his. But he just leaned over the sink now. It looked like he was crying. Something about this hurted my heart. I didnt even knew him but I couldnt help but feeling empathy for this beautiful, fragile man across the street, He was crying harder now. I felt my eyes watering as he slapped his own face. Why would he do that? Then he watched out the window. I was hiding in the corner of my room so fast I guess my curtains moved. I hope he didnt caught me staring. My heart was racing. Was he still there? I waited two minutes till I watched out the window again. He was gone.

ARTHUR I decited to go through the pages again I had written a week ago. I have to figure out why I remembered writing something that wasnt there in the morning. I skipped though the paged and stopped at a page that didnt even looked familir to me. Little drawings of catladies smoking cigs. i don`t remenber drawing this and start to read. "Insomnia is choking me again. It wrappes its strong arms around my neck, smothering me to death. At least thats how it feels while lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. So last night I wandered around the apartment for at least two hours straight. I smoked two packs of cigs as the music started playing in my head again. There is always music in my head, well, most of the time. Sometimes it gets so loud I can`t ignore it anymore. Its just floathing althrough my body, like energy. It holds me in its warm arms and I have to obey. It wanted me to dance again last night, so I moved around the kitchen to the music and it was so tragically beautiful in between the movements it made me do, that it almost started to hurt my body. So I stopped and wished for the sound to stop but it didnt and I just stood there and started to cry. Watching my tears falling into the kitchen sink, like the rain outside. The music still playing in my head. I slapped my face. Hard. Still noisy. I watched out the window. Gotham was crying, too. The city was just as depressed as I was. I swear I could see a shadow in the window across the street. But thats impossible. The neighbors there moved out some weeks ago. Must be my visions again."

YOU I couldnt stop thinking about the man across the street since I saw him. I watched out the window for so many times but I didnt got to see him for about thee days. But then I saw him crossing the street as I was just about to go buy some food. I know it wasnt the right thing to do but I followed him. I just needed to see him closer. I kept my distance so he won`t notice me. He was walking like someone that just got beaten up, his thin body hidden behind a brown sweater , and a jacket that looked way too huge on his small shoulders. He kept looking to the ground, his brown curls hanging sweaty upon his forehead. Even though his body language looked sad, he still managed to be extremly attractive to me. He was walking to the tram station and waited on his tram to arrive as I tried to be just a face in the crowsd, so I could take a closer look at him. I passed some people standing in the way until I found the right spot. There he was. Just about some foots away from me.And suddenly, as I was staring, he was looking right at me. God, I felt like my heart just sopped. Never ever have I seen more beautiful eyes in my life. So intense, piercing right though me, green but so very sad. I dont know if it was just my mind playing tricks on me but i felt like he caught me staring. I wanted to turn around and leave imediately but his tram arrived and he got in there before I could even react. At night his pretty face appeared in my mind. Againa nd again. I just couldnt get him out of my head.I was closing my eyes, and caught myself dreaming about kissing him. I laughed at myself. Silly girl ! Dreaming about the mysterious new neighbor was such a clishe. But it wouldnt help. I still wanted to get to know him. there was something so mysterious about him. His little dance in the kitchen. The crying at the sink.... his eyes! I thought about ways to just talk to him, I mean we were neigbors, right? I could find a reason to just go to him and say something. But nothing came to my mind. So I decited to follow him one more time. Maybe he would just ran into me and we would talk. Two days later I saw him leaving the house again, so I threw a jacket over my shoulder and got downstairs in a hurry. This time there weren`t much people around so it was even harder for me to follow him without getting caught. Something about watching him started to turn me on.It was fun to fantasize about someone who didnt even knew you existed. But at the same time I wanted him to know that I exist. Maybe not yet but... He went to the pharmacy. I stopped outside. I thought about going in and pretend I wanted to buy something. But I forgot my purse so this would have been embarrassing. I saw him from behind, his blue pants looked baggy on him. Everything did. And just when I thought this was a good situation to stalk him, he turned around again and I knew he saw me. He looked me right into my eyes! I captured the moment he looked at me in my mind and tought about it in the afternoon, when I was lying in my bed, dreaming about touching his beautiful face. Soon he became my fave fantasie. I couldnt even find pleasure in any other daydream anymore. He was my sexy secret and I liked it that way. But I just knew that soon this wouldnt be enough. I had to get closer. I wanted him to see me. Not just from across the street. I wanted to get to know him as a person. I needed to know his story, I needed to know why he was so sad.

ARTHUR I just couldnt figure out my very own diary anymore. Something definitaly went wrong at the moment. I guess all the lonelyness got too much. I mean, I must have been used to this but i wasnt. It got harder every day of my life. I wished for someone to love me so much that I had visions about girls. I tend to get them a lot but then it stopped for a while and now it seemed to start again. I was kinda worried about my condition and took two more pills today. I knew I shouldnt but I thought it would be better than forgetting to take them again. The slight overdose made me sweat a lot so I was in underwear only for the whole day, just lying on the coouch, watching all my fave episodes of teh Murray Franklin show. The only thing that made me stay up was going to the kitchen to make some coffe. I watched out the window while waiting for the water to bowl. There she was again. the girls I saw at the tram stationa nd at the pharmacy. She was crossing the street. I checked my forehead for fever. I was burning up. Must be the overdose. "She`s not really there" I whispered to myself "Arthur, she`s not real, don`t even look". But I looked. And I could swear she was looking up my window before she headed to my house. I blushed. But I guess that was also caused by the fever. God, she looked like an angel. Such a sweet girl. She would never even give me a look in real life. I knew that. And if she did... I wouldn´t even know what to do. I`ve never been with a woman before in my whole life. I never even kissed someone before. I`m just a loner. All I have are my fantasies. And Dr Kane wants to take them away from me,too. Maybe I should just give in and accept them. What if it wasnt a hallucination this time? What if this girl really saw me? What if?

You I did it. I wrote him a postcard. I held the card in my hands for like an hour and stared at it. I thought I wasnt brave enough to actually throw it in his letter box. But I did.I sneaked into the house and when I was standing in front of the letter boxes I wondered which one could be his. Thank god some lady just got out of the elevator and I asked her which letter box belongs to the window with the thin curtain. And she told me that they belong to apartment 8J. It just took me about some seconds to find the right box. P. FLECK. There it was. FLECK. I threw my postcard in without giving it a second thought, otherwise I would have changed my mind. I was heading back home, blushing.

ARTHUR I woke up with a bad headache. Another appointment with Dr. Kane. I wanted to take a bath but I was too lazy and decited to let it be. I just brushed my hair back, lighted a cig and went out the house. I checked the letter box and hoped for a letter from Thomas Wayne, I mean, I knew there wouldnt be one but it would make my mother happy so I still hoped for it. Somehow she was obsessed with Wayne and I didnt even knew why. My heart just skipped a beat as I saw an hand written postcard. Wayne? I started reading it. "Dear mysetrious stranger, You don`t know who I am but I saw you out on the streets some days ago and I think I fell in love with you. I even dreamed about you at night. I really hope you`re doing fine. Kisses The girl who loves you"

I just kept staring at the letters. I rubbed my eyes. the letters were still there. The girl who loves you. I must have blushed. Was this real? I let my fingers slide over the paper. It felt real. I turned the card around. A plain red heart on white background. I touched it so many times and hoped for a proof that this was eighter real or a dream. Sometimes I am not sure anymore. Who would ever send me a card? I searched for a stamp. None. Someone must have threw it in the letter boy by themself. The girl ! The girl I saw on the street. Now it all made sense to me. Was she following me? I smiled. The thought of this pretty girl having a crush on me was wonderful. But I got scared at the same time. I could never get up and talk to her. How could I? I bet she thinks I am some sexy guy who knows how to get it on. She was dreaming about me? What dreams? I imagined her touching herself while thinking about me and I giggled to myself. "Nahh she wouldnt do that" I said to myself. Reading the postcard again "Or would you, sweet strange girl?" I put the postcard close to my heart. Her fingers must have touched the paper all over when she was writing me these lines. Does she want to touchme with those fingers? Oh I would love to touch her fingers. But what if she ever comes up to me personally and I would just stand there, frozen. Not a word coming out of my mouth? The thought of this scared me a lot. My biggest fear was to laugh in her presence.The laugh that wasnt really one. My condition. That would scare her away for sure. I felt my eyes watering and a tear fell on the postcard, right on the word "kisses". It smeared, which made me even sadder. I needed this card to be perfect. I felt the urge to laugh coming up my throath. But then something else came to my mind. What if I showed the card to Dr. Kane? She could proof to me that this card truly exists. The urge to laugh was gone. I put the card into my paper bag and hurried up to see Dr. Kane.

"Hello, Arthur. How have you been thoughthe last week? Any negative thoughts?" Dr Kane was repeating her same old questions again as I smoked my cig. Next thing would be asking me about my journal. BUT I would have something much more interesting with me this time. "I brought something with me today" I said as I grabbed the card. "I wondered if you could take a look and tell me what you think about this?" Dr Kane took the card out of my hands. She read it. "Who gave it to you, Arthur?" "The girl who loves me" Dr Kane gave me that look "Arhur..." "Well... it says `The girl who loves you ` there at the end, right? "Right" "So, you see it too?" "Sure, Arthur" She gives me the card back. I smiled. It was real. The card was real. Which meant the girl was real,too. No hallucinations. No visions. "Good" "So someone send it to you?" "I found it in my letter box, it has no stamp" "No stamp? Are you sure you didnt wrote it yourself?" she looked confused. I bet she couldnt imagin someone falling in love me me eighter. "Dr Kane, you know how my handwriting looks like." "Right. Can I see it again?" I gave her the card back. Her eyes are focused on it. "No typos" she whispered to herself. "Looks like someone really likes you, Arthur. Be careful" "W-what do you mean?" "You know that you sometimes... well... you tend to lose sense of reality sometimes. It could be difficult to meet up with a girl for you". I put the card back in my bag. "You think I couldnt handle it to have a girlfriend?" "Thats not what I said..." "It is exactly what you said" I got up and left the room. "See you next week, Dr Kane. I cant do this today" I got back home and placed the card under my pillow. I wanted to sleep on it. It was the first love note I ever got and felt so special. I grabbed my Pjs out of my wardrobe and looked at the red suit hanging in there. I never put it on by now. I always felt like it is waiting for a special event in my life. But nothing special ever happens. Until now. The card. the love note. The girl. I grab the suit and walk to the mirror. Holding it in front of my body to see how it would look like on me. I felt so insecure when thinking about dating a girl. I didnt knew how to react in front of her. Maybe the suit would help? I shook my head. Nahh. Just a stupid thought. Back in bed I imagined how it would be to have a girlfriend. To go out on dates with her, walking hand in hand across the streets. I bet Gotham wouldnt be half as bad as if its now. Sharing my life with someone. My bed. Having someone to cuddle with at night. Someone to calm down my bouncing leg. Someone to have sex with, It would be sweet. I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

YOU Its been a day since I threw the card in the letter box. No answer. Of course not. He didnt even knew who I was. I watched out the window and hoped to see him in his apartment again. I got lucky this time. I saw him lying on the couch watching tv. He wora a cosy PJ and looked so cute in it. Still sexy though. I could eat him up. I wish I could just go over, knock on his door and tell him that i am the girl who send him the card. I wonder if he even got it yet. maybe he didnt open the letter box since then. I saw him smoking, writing down some notes. I tried to see more details of the living room. There was a clown mask and a costume hanging beside a mirror. It seemed like he had a thing for clowns, which made me think. maybe I`ll have a lil surprise for him... I searched through my stuff and found the big, red flower that used to be part of a Clown outfit I was wearing years ago when I dressed up with my best friends. It looked brand new. Maybe he would like it. I put a little note on it and decited to put it in front of his door. Tomorrow. I couldn`t wait. The next morning I got out of bed early, to wait till he got out of the house. When he did I sneaked into the house and waited till someone came out again, which lastet at least 50 minutes but it was worth it. I got in the elevator and walked to the door which said 8J. I hold my breath for a second. That was were he lived. He walked through that door every day. I wish I could just walk through it and go into his apartment.Looking though his stuff. I was a bit shamed of myself for having those kinda feelings. I felt like a stalker. But I couldnt stop my own thoughts from wanting him. I put the big plush Flower down on the doormat and touched the door knob. Just to touch it. To touch what he touched some about an hour ago. It felt sexy.

ARTHUR I just came home from work at Haha`s and felt drained. It was a long day. I got out of the elevator and saw something lying on my doormat. A big, red plush flower. Like one for clowns! My heart jumped when I picked it up. There was a little note saying "Dear stranger, if you want to meet me , I`ll be at the little fountain in the park today at 7 O`Clock . The one with the litlle bird stature. It would be a pleasure to get to know you better. Kisses, The girl who loves you"

I bit my lips. Another note. She wanted to meet me. My hands were shaking while reading the note one more time. I actually was shaking so much I had troubles to get my keys into the lock. I threw my jacket on the couch, sat down and pressed the plushy flower to my chest. It felt so soft to the touch. A present. I never got presents. Not even when I was a kid or on my birthdays. Everything about this felt so special. I wanted to meet her so bad but at the same time I was so scared about meeting her, I stood in front of the mirror and looked at my reflection. I looked tired. Drained. Like someone sucked the life out of my. Heavy bags under my yes, from not getting enough sleep. I brushed my hair back. Better. At least a lil bit. I checked the time and realized it was already after 5 O`clock. I got no time to waste. Should I really go there? Or was Dr Kane right?

YOU I got ready for my potential date. I didnt even knew if he would show up but i hoped so. I dressed up in my usual clothes. I wanted to be my authentic self around him. I was already waiting on the spot 30 minutes too early. I just couldnt wait any longer. I needed to know if he would come. I wanted to get to know him so bad.

ARTHUR Alright, I could never forgive myself if i wouldnt take the chance, so I decited to show up. I took a bath to feel fresh, washed my hair and put on some nice clothes. Not the red suit though. I picked dark red pants, a matching vest and a white shirt under it. I hope I looked decent in it and bought some roses before I made my way to the park. I bought them from the last dollars I had but I didnt cared. I wanted to give her some nice flowers. Gotham looked different today while watching out of the trams window. Less dark and depressing. But I guess it was just me feeling better as usual. I just wanted it to be a nice date. I just wanted her to like me for who I am. I got out of the tram, walking into the park. I saw her from a distance already. There was just one person standing at the fountain, so it must have been her. She was so beautiful, I couldnt belive she was waiting FOR ME. My hands holding the roses started to get all sweaty and I wiped them off on my pants. I stumbled right in front of her as I arrived and the flowers fell out of my hands. "Ooooppps...I`m...I`m so sorry.. I...." my nervousness killed me. She similed at me as I picked up the flowers and handed them to her "I....um....brought you...som..something...um..." I stuttered. She gave me the sweetest hug "Thats so sweet of you...? Um... I don`t even know your name" she was blushing. "Arthur. My name is Arthur." "Hey Arthur. I`m Y/N. Nice to meet you. Thank ou so much for the roses. They`re beautiful". "Yeah... thank you for the notes...I don`t know what to say...you`re beautiful". Y/N smiled from cheek to cheek. "Thank you, Arthur. Would you like to take a walk though the park and get some coffee later? It would be a nice way to get to know each other. What do you think?" "I think this sounds just wonderful". She gently wrapped her arm around my waist as we were walking though the park. It was a late summer evening and for the first time ever I noticed the birds singing. The music in my head stopped. Maybe Gotham wasn`t as bad after all.

#arthur fleck #arthur fleck fanfic #arthurfleckfanfiction #joker #joker fanfiction #dc #stalking #fanfiction #romance #joaquinphoenix

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jascnbrody-archive · 6 years ago

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think i got it.

i post a lot abt smugly Knowing How J Works w/out like ever talking abt how i think j works. or even like.. what his fam is like bc i think thats like, important. esp w the themes of the game (u kno what vaas says.)

n theres probably parts of the game/j that i read like completely wrong and against what ubisoft wanted or planned. like i rly dnt think js parents are like Blown Out Fully Rich like i think. i think. js dads parents. are rich. country club rich. i dnt think his parents are. i think js dad had a really basic job as like, either a security dude or like, a coast guard. n his mom ran a restaurant w her mom. (who i for like. no reason think is cuban. im white. so its not like, to make him more relatable to me like i think its just i want j to kno spanish so i want him to have it in his genealogy. and like him being........... even slightly mixed honestly rly fucks w the whole. thing. (also rileyd get his curly hair from there. i think his hair honestly throws me thru a loop even tho curly haired white people arent like, weird or anything)) but yeah theyre like upper upper middle class but, like, not Rich rich.

ANYWAY........... i think his mom was a rly private and snarky person. she cares a lot abt her kids but like. she struggles w emotions n j got that from her. i think he does have like, depression mostly bc he cant figure out what hes doing and no one will like. be honest w him. and he literally cannot reflect inward and that causes like, stress for him. bc he’ll Feel Wrong but not be able to place why. bc he cant reflect. he cant blame himself. and he cant be open abt any feelings he does have bc he cant even really decipher them.

he is like, actively suicidal and harming himself but not in like any way that anyone he lives w watches for. drinking is just “his lifestyle” and him loving to go skydiving is just j being daring and not “i hope this parachute fails so i dont have to think abt a career”

like hes cheating on liza (Often.) to force Her the be the one to break up w him bc he doesnt like, want to confront or think on the fact that hes not happy and theres Ways To Solve That. hes not looking to get better hes looking to get worse bc hes already given up on like Doing Something.

ALSO he really doesnt feel guilt right. like he’ll Feel it but not Deeply. he mostly just feels guilty abt having to Fake Guilt. like hes aware of it. he knows how he should feel bc hes like... seen it on other people. and he can recognize when he does something Really Very Wrong n he’ll be like “😬😬😬😬 ooop” but then he’ll like. make a joke abt it. (his one liners................ like its part trauma part like, he honest 2 god doesnt think its serious.)

i think hes got to like.. face that after he beats riley bc thats like, the worst thing (to him) that hes done. n it Makes Him Feel Bad bc he like, went too far n he knos he went too far. like he didnt have to shove a thumb into rileys Gaping Wound like he did that bc he rly wanted to hurt riley bc ?? he ? just did ? its not like its something He Learned. no ones done that to Him. he doesnt mind hurting people. he was told to hurt riley. riley said he could hurt him. so j Hurt Him. like he just Did it.

n him (ykno. possibly.) killing his friends would never be to be with citra its like. its just bc he (wouldve) wanted to. hes given the chance to hurt someone and he has to convince himself Not to hurt them. hes Not like vaas. (it sounds like vaas but its not . that i cant explain . vaas is totally different in what he does. hes theatrical abt it but hes understanding of the impression and trauma hes faced bc of violence hes seen and been a part of. jason has been searching for a chance to be violent since he was born. vaas had no choice and like, j doesnt really either, but even if he did hed have chosen the path of violence. vaas wouldve loved something more quiet.)

i still think he mopes abt what hes done. for a time. like up until vaas comes back around and then j sees. what its really like to Have Thoughts abt what youve done. then he realizes he like, doesnt even really mean half of it. and Thats what was really getting to him. idk. j just doesnt kno much and he cant read into much and he cant comprehend what he does and why he does it. hes sort of blank. hes just a dude who wanted to do whatever he wanted.

and its not like he Doesnt feel bad. like his body count is huge. he nearly killed his friends. he beat the fuck out of his little brother. he feels bad about Things but not the entire thing. hes got things he’ll pick out as like “that was fucked up of me, woops :(” but overall hes like. going to choose to stay on the island. so he can up his body count (and brag about it probably. and any sort of Interesting Kill he did.). and be with vaas. which he feels 0 guilt over.

also i probably think of him as being too like. impervious. and quiet? like. he rly talks a decent bit. hes noisy. hes p loud. but i think of him as a rly quiet person?? like when i think of vaas n j talking i think honestly of vaas just monologuing and j only like. nodding and grunting in response. i think j just goes silent a lot unless he can like. make a joke. or on the rare occasion where he like Realizes smthn abt what vaas or someone else said. bc like he’ll Listen when he wants to (which with vaas (and vaas only. vaas’d get so much special treatment and he wouldnt even like, kno. bc he has nothing to compare it to until j starts telling vaas stories abt california n how he acted there (*)). is most times) and when theres like, no distractions, and he’ll think but most things he wont take to heart unless vaas words it Just Right so j can understand fully.

i guess thats like, a big comfort to me. j finds a place he can be happy. he finds someone he can be honest and blunt w. like vaas might expect j to be just as emotional as him but like........ him being so much like a brick wall wont like, change how vaas feels for him. j is still someone vaas is like, able to talk At. and get a response of any sort. itll Agitate him a lot like hes gonna say things he wants j to ruminate on esp when they like, first talk and j is just. like. not going to have much to say. its going to be Insulting to vaas but its smthn he has to like, learn to work around? j takes and listens to what vaas has to say once they get common ground under em but its just not in him to put words to feelings.

anyway also everything bouncing off j like its nothing is also like. smthn i wish i had.

#*also vaas has probably literally never been in a relationship. like not since he was like 15. hed literally not know how to flirt he wouldn #t even have petnames for j apart from Hermano even tho j calls vaas everything under the sun #posts #i wish there was like a way to likehamsdanhhave a read more under a read more like are you SURE you want to read ALL THIS SHIT? by ME?#u can uh take all this as u want #kno that vaas is also p important to me in how i Seek Comfort.#i w anna tag this in some way where i will like. not lose it.#jason brody LORE #there we go

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mandie-june · 6 years ago

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Anyone else???

For a very long time now, I have settled on the fact that I will never be happy. I have happy moments, sure. But to actually say that I am "happy with life" is something that I dont think I will ever say. It's been there for a very long time and the more I took a step back from me, and started viewing myself in second person, essentially watching and observing my surroundings and how things interact with my life, even when I am not looking that way (think in terms of video games where your character doesnt see people creeping up, but YOU do yourself), the more I started putting pieces together.

It's so easy to blame my depression, anxiety, skepticism but even with that people will say "talking to someone helps" or "get medication." Heres the problem: I dont have people who care enough to listen and to help for free. Which also means I dont have money for medication (and I dont like how I feel (or rather dont feel?) when I take them. Working as a delivery driver pays the bills, and that's about it.

"So go get a new job." Easy, right? Well, not so much. I can get a new job, but this generation, if you dont have a bachelor's degree / 30 years experience then good luck. So I'm left with pretty much retail and food. What happens when I get a new job? I start off nervous, fake confidence. Then I gain the confidence that I learned how to do my job without help. I'm "happy". But it only lasts a few months before I get bored and when I get bored, I get irritable. I start noticing things people do and question why they can get away with it. The bored routine hits and I'm back in the hole. I dont want to job hop because not only does it look bad on paper, but it's also bad for myself because once that becomes routine, when I have to start looking for a new job, itll cause a whole 'nother sort of unhappiness, annoyances, and anxiety that turns to frustrations. Mostly because I'm stuck with retail or food and my interview / hire rate is probably around 10% if I'm lucky. Pop that in with depression and the feelings you're not good enough, and you've got yourself a very sad meal for one. (I am VERY aware of myself and can see how certain choices will play out and how it would affect me)

Growing up, watching everyone and everything happen from the outside in (or from the inside out, a trapped sense????) I've learned a LOT. I can see when my depression is coming, I can see when people are lying or don't care (and I pretend to not know but Holy fuck do I know), I even know why I feel the way I feel. But my issue is this: I dont know why.

I know why I will never be happy with life. But I also cant change that because I dont have the money because I dont have a good job, because I dont have a high education (just associates in arts and science), because I dont have money.

See? It is a vicious cycle.

I firmly believe that I am a product of society and how something can deeply affect an individual. I cant say it's bad in its entirety because it has lead me to become a more thoughtful person (always questioning, wanting to know) but not all thoughts are positive. This whole post being a HUGE example.

I've accepted it as far as I know I will never be happy, but theres a part of me that is sitting in the corner saying, "that's not fair." I have no desire for hobbies, because just like the job situation, it's fun at first, then it's just... pointless. It has no meaning. Why am I doing this puzzle? What purpose in life does that give me? Why am I drawing when I know I'm not good and always stop before I'm done? Why try to play an instrument when I'm not going to make money by playing it?

That is another huge factor in my life. Nothing has a purpose. Why should I spend my day off doing nothing when I could use that time to make money? But I dont really have anything that I NEED and when I do buy something with recreational purpose, I feel guilty because after so long, it just gathers dust. But I deserve a day off, I work most every day. But I dont work very hard at all. Maybe giving 60% on a great day, so I didnt earn a day to be lazy.

I guess long post short: I am constantly at battle with myself. I can see the positives, but a lot of the time, it's the negative that's speaking louder (I'm assuming my depression is acting like an amp) and I just shrug and go back to bed. Why? It's all pointless. Why do I want to go on dates when I know they just want sex and I'm not into having sex? Why do I want to be "vulnerable" in a relationship? That is like antagonizing a murderer, saying "betcha wont kill me!" It doesnt sound fun at all.

Maybe getting handed the short end of the stick has sucked all the potential I had, and instead of being where I was suppose to be, i have hit the opposite. Like maybe i was suppose to be a loving mom with the best marriage and job, and somewhere down the line, someone cursed me to have the knowledge and an understanding of what's going on around me, but I cant comprehend it. I understand... but what I dont understand is WHY I understand. I cant take that knowledge and put it to use. I can read the language, but I cant speak it.

I really have been struggling to try to find the answer as to why I feel this way. I feel helpless, but at the same time, I know why I feel and think the way I do. But I dont know why I know -- and I want to.

People say that it's the little things that count. I honestly do believe that, and while I dont expect much out of people / life anymore, the few things that I hold near and dear are literally the strands I hold onto. And when those strands break, I fall so deep and then everything just falls on top of me.

I am aware of my situation. I am knowledgeable about why I feel the way I do and how. What I dont know is WHY I am so aware. There is something out there for me, and through growing up, I feel as though I lost the piece. The one piece that was going to just make it all make sense. I had a wonderful purpose in life, and someone took it away because it had to have been something damn special to make me feel so lost without it.

#depression #long post #text post #mental disorder #mental health #psychology #help

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aitian · 4 years ago

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5:43 am 12/29/2020

end of year.

feels right to revisit how i looked this yr on photobooth. most ppl only knew me through my webcam. i dont have many thoughts abt who i am or what im doing these days. mostly playing video games with alice. we smoked together a few days ago & i still feel like im in deadtime. like maybe i cant remember the important things im supposed to from the past. & rly existential lately. the panic is just in my throat, thinking abt how fast time is going & how there is no way back. i think there is a carceral logic behind the entrapment that all us depressed & anxious kids feel.. like the inadequacy of being alive, the failure to feel like a beautiful future is unfolding. im not sure anyone feels that way these days, & maybe thats why they r all holding on so desperately. all empires fall. im so grateful to be able to feel moms body & be her child these days. i just wanna lay my head on someones chest & feel good, warm, soft, coarse fabrics. also feeling anxious abt my classes, turning in the same essay that isnt rly an essay to all of my profs. oops. it was rly the best i could manage. vestigial body... i will finish writing smth i feel proud abt one day, & it will be written to myself. like this.

idk when the last time i wrote was, but maybe i wanna talk abt my relationships. feels like i got a hard reset on my brain by smoking with alice. oh god. anyway i havent been talking to sherry & adele recently bc i just dont feel right around them. in november remembering again what it felt like to feel so unwelcome all the time, feel that energy & those manners replicated by them toward me.. ik i should just talk to people frankly abt the things im uncomfortable with at home now that i have so much practice doing it but i just dont want to. somehow it feels like they should all just know, that they are living alongside me all this time in various ways even if i am not saying things to them, & our actions that connect us in relationship are felt by them too. & there is some part of refusal to see the relationship for what it is. im not begging for some trans pity or for commitment.. those kinds of relationship arent real. what is real is wanting to spend time with me, wanting to experience some sort of exchange between bodies, wanting to walk toward near horizons. feels like everyone who listens & agrees when i speak just does it to be amicable. there are only so many ways i can reassure myself that ppl understand me for who i am, even when they are constantly being led astray to hurt me. like alice saying its good for doctors to have objective views of their patients, outside of any other relationship. mom saying that she trusted our teachers to teach us what we needed. getting weirdly gendered messages from friends at home, & never asked in good faith about how i feel. its rly so shitty that even questions like how was the day or what ru thinking rn or whats on the horizon r things they want me to ask, then dont want to answer, & make fun of bc they feel awkward saying anything. so stupid. its this kind of shit that holds me back from letting my desires be known, these rituals of repression & shame. & i always wanna hear ppls desires & then immediately regret asking to know that our relationship is in direct conflict with their utopias. so stupid.

today after dinner, which was in the late evening, mom & alice & i did some short yoga stuff & then we did silly lion dancing. im still sore. i stretched out everything that felt sort afterward. anyway, felt good to be goofy & sweat & breathe hard.

what im feeling abt this year: - vestigial body x1000 --> dark room, heart beating fast, waiting & squeezing. theres that episode of midnight gospel when the dying dog/reindeer lady talks abt giving birth & dying, like squeezing & tensing & on no this moment will never end & then releasing & coming to rest & then all over again. & that is what i think abt every time i feel in panic now, or in a deep place of fear. there r some pains that cant be escaped, & they dont need to be. they r felt all the same. - i made a new friend through q&a who is a kid im supposed to b mentoring. it just means that all relationships are reciprocal (i dont like that word either, but they r never simply one way or transactional) & we met every thursday during the school yr. i prepared short stories for us to read & writing prompts, & we wrote abt stuff. - i just cant remember. all i remember abt this summer was going to stone valley with mom, feeling the sunlight & my tiredness (in an enveloping selse, toward my body & my spirit), playing games w sherry, playing some piano, & working on that fire emblem romhack. feels like the year went by so quickly. like i just had my birthday a few days ago, & now the new year means it is coming again soon. sometimes whole lives are vestigial. what is gruesome & magnificent abt that is that those vestigial bodies are hard to kill without clear intentions & collective effort. what sucks is the entrapment. i have been feeling this cant remember feeling in a bigger way, toward what my life was like before college, toward who i was in college now that i am so removed, & even more toward the kid whose world blossomed into smth they desperately desired & felt afraid of. middle school me would be horrified. maybe an even younger me would be proud, feel in awe or struck by the rightness of home. - i want to remember mom. the way she walks around with her hands in her pockets. 帅吗。:). how we skip/gallop sideways to avoid the wind on our walks, & she bounces when she walks like a silly kid. i love her. unruly gender, stubbornness of feelings, failure failure failure is why we r hurt but also why we r rly still allowed to be here. thinking abt moms essay, moving away from her grandma, thinking she would live together again someday. thinking abt how im home this yr, in a way i thought maybe i would never be ever again. its so cruel to leave love behind for the sake of a ritualized life i could never participate in. i wont do it. i just wont.

some feelings abt the coming year - i want to meet someone like myself & fall in love. deeply, with myself, in relationship. i wanna have sex too, & feel held in my being alive. i wanna be allowed to enjoy my body in even more regards like wearing short sleeves & feeling the sun on my arms free from dysphoria, existing in public not noticeably & feeling the evaporation of racial tension, waking up with that feeling of possibility, like i want to be alive & eat food & go outside & do those things in my body that remind me that i am a part of how the rest of this world is growing. i wanna be held in that knowing, together, of wellness & movement toward everything that means we matter to each other. - playing video games has been so important to this vestige & i dont want it to remain that way. i wanna collect stuff & grow stuff in real life, & grow myself & my relationships too. its not living when its the mourning of the freedom i should have always had & should have every moment i am continuing to life unfreely. - i wanna do some stuff to express gratitude to the ppl i have continued some sort of relationship with. feel bad abt how no one has emailed me back in more than a month now. maybe wanna do a q&a chapbook or yearbook. complex feelings bc i am so not in relationship with the ppl i wanna care abt. it sucks. part of that is letting go of guilt too, & being real with myself abt how much responsibility is on the other body to make me feel okay in our relationships. its rly not my fault that, u kno.. everyone is used to making someone like me feel like shit. sad that my most continuous relationships this yr r with professors. those dumb feelings of obligation r killer. i guess im grateful to be legible in some ways, while feeling the intensely awkward unwillingness to be real abt our positions relative to each other. i think lots more happening in this regard in the coming months w classes, blk atlantic ecologies, maybe smth w prof lee. & sometimes thinking abt what grad school would mean. - i wanna feel slow, i wanna feel like myself, i wanna feel free. some feelings r sitting in the garden on my own in the spring, planting some stuff. thinking abt what it might grow into, coming back again & again. the sun ducks behind clouds & comes back out, & the world feels so light & passing by. & time feels forever, like i have so much patience to dream & breathe & observe. this is one of my early memories, watching shadows on the concrete/sidewalks at preschool, feeling warmer then colder then warmer again. i also wanna feel the kind of collectivity that makes me know we all insist on home. i want it to branch beyond this home that i know. & also mean that i will not throw this away. im thinking abt how to exist intimately with more than one person at once. it is smth i will learn as it comes into my life.

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