#So acting like a kid and feeling like a kid is subconsciously understood by a lot of people as a type of response to something

[chickpea0]

@cams-cozy-corner totally!

I think a decent amount of people are somewhat aware of it in the sense that they know they or others feel small and scared when something shocking happens and they just ascribe that to regular, non regression related 'small and scared and feeling like a helpless child'. It's also somewhat common knowledge that someone might act like a child in tense situations but they see that as a Thing that Happens and don't really think much of it. Like, the gag where a character would ask for their mummy or start crying like a kid.

Some poeple do recognise regression as reverting back to a younger headspace but don't really have the language for it and they also don't see it in the way we (the online community) sees it. A lot of us use it like a tool and treat it like an identity and embrace it. Someone who might be prone to regression who doesn't embrace it or really think of it in a certain way much might not regress as much, creating or existing in an enviroment where regression is seen in a certain light can encourage it too!

I think also that the lines between regressor and non-regressor are really, really not as black and white as some people think. When it comes to psychology it can be pretty hard to draw lines in the sand, the brain is SO complex and there's so many layers to it. Some choose to make room in their life for regression, some fight it, some aren't aware and some just are doing their own thing.

So it's quite likely that there are quite a few people who do similar things to you in your area but not everyone is in the online agere community, nor even call it the same things!

one sad thing i think about sometimes is like... well, yeah, agere/agedre communities aren't as massive... but also it's practically non-existent where i'm from and that thought sometimes feels lonely even though online communities exist... i think it's something about knowing you're not geographically alone in the way you cope ?

[mukbangg]

Can you maybe do one where billy and fem!reader have been in a relationship for a year or something like that and haven’t gotten intimate yet and one day when they’re hanging out somewhere their kids kind of turns into a make out session and billy indicates he wants to go further but reader is scared so he kind of guides her in a comforting way?

Thank you!!

Oki

Being with billy is like honey.

Hes so warm you practically melt whenever you're near him and your giddy grin is reflex at this point.

Sweet sweet Billy, jesus you're drunk off him hes just so lovely.

Sometimes you spend hours kissing him like you can inhale him, saliva slick on both your chins as you suck his bottom lip and lick the roof of his mouth.(he always snorts when you do that its ticklish)

Though, all these intense makeout sessions never lead anywhere. As soon as his hands slid a little lower, you're jolting, breath stilling as you pull away with an almost shameful look. Billy doesnt mind though, hes always quick to assure you that you dont have to do anything you're not comfortable with.

Sweet, gentle Billy,despite all his bloody history and those unnerving eyes which was the last glimpse of many men before their inevitable death at his hands. He presses soft kisses into your hair, whisper honeyed words into your ear, and you're cuddling into his chest, assured that you've got nothing to be sorry for.

Maybe its all the stories from the brothel woman, the mid wives and mothers and such, its built up some subconscious fear of the act itself that it makes you hesitate each time.

So when you find yourself in his lap, panting into each other's mouths as you grind down on him, the same fear grips you and you freeze.

Billy understood immediately, pulling away as his palm cups your nape and forehead presses against yours.

"Hey doll,"

He murmurs, nudging your nose with his.

"Back to earth? We dont got to do anything, hmm?"

He kisses your cupid's bow softly, tongue darting out to lick your lips.

"I like kissing you anyways. We can just do that,'kay doll?"

But you're shaking your head slowly, teeth digging into your bottom lip.

"I can...I wanna do this, Billy. With you,"

He hears the hesitance in your voice and he quirks his lips to the side, humming in thought.

"You sure? Dont wanna make you feel forced or anything. You know that you dont have to, right?"

And you nod your head, smiling up at him all sweet the way he knows you're not changing your mind.

"My best girl,"

He whispers, dropping his head down to the crook of your neck, kissing the soft skin there.

"You'll tell me if you dont wanna, 'kay doll? I'll be real gentle, I promise,"

And gentle he was, practically worshipping you as he slips your dress off, kiss up your thighs and slide your panties off. Your legs instinctively try to close, but hes fit himself between them, just resting his chin below your belly button.

"Shy, arent you?"

He murmurs, lips curving into a loopy smile.

"Here, gimme your hands, doll,"

You reach down obediently, lips pursed before you let them quirk up in a tight smile when he places your hands over his eyes.

Your soft squeeze was all he needs before hes kissing down your pussy lips, tongue diving in to lap at your already drooling hole up to you cute little clit. Hes so slow, making sure you know he wants to take care of you. And before you know it, your hands had slide up to curl in his hair, tugging softly hips bucking into his face and he chuckles into your wet pussy knowing hes got you over your hurdle.

Hai who am I kidding, heres an extra drabble:

"Fuuucckkk doll, your lil' cunny's sucking me all the way in,"

Billy huffs, breathless as you writhed under him.

Hes got one large palm on your belly, pressing down slightly on the small bulge that's visible when he thrusts into you.

"All this time I've been jerking myself, and you've had this sweet cunt right hereohhhh fuck-"

He chokes out before hes cumming again, emptying his balls straight into your womb.

And you? You dont know how many times you've cummed already, too dumbed out and filled with pleasure(and cum).

The bottom of you butt is wet, a mixture of both your fluids spilling out your abused hole whenever he fucks into you. The loud squelch as he shifts was vile, a fat glob leaking out your when he pulls out, gliding his still hard cock through your fold.

Billy taps your face, running his hand through your mussed hair.

He runs the swollen head of his cock against your clit, earning a squeal from you as he chuckles.

"Aaandd shes gone. Fucked you dumb did I, doll?"

"Billllyyyyy!!! S'too much-"

But you dont get to finsh as your voice tapers off into a sob, his thumb sliding across your aching clit, slipping a little from how slick it is.

"C'mon doll, y'can do it, c'mon- ahfuck,"

He pushes his thick cock in just as you squirt, coating his pelvis as he continues rubbing your clit.

"Billy- billy-"

You sob, each snap of his hips coaxing spurts of clear liquid out as his tip hits that sweet spot in you just right.

"You're ready to be a momma for me, hmm? My pretty lil' momma,"

Gods, what were you thinking denying yourself Billy's cock this whole time? Every jolt of pleasure fries straight up your spine and zaps every thought out your head. You just wanna take every load he dumps in you, let him plug you with his fingers as he fuck his cum back in.

[tteokdoroki]

actor!au with bakugou where you’re on the press tour for your up and coming princess movie or something.

of course he’s the romantic interest to your character, the lead, so you’re paired together for the entire junket — seated with one another for interviews across the globe. the whole experience is filled with laughter, smiles, and sharing little facts about one another behind the scenes.

you’re always the first person bakugou searches for on the red carpet at each premier — he reaches for your hand during photos and sneakily slips one around your waist to subconsciously pull you closer towards him.

the fans all think that you’re in love from the way katsuki hangs into your every word when the two of you are stopped for questions. the way he whole heartedly laughs, with his whole body, at a joke you’ve told that’s probably not even that funny.

it’s probably not true. you’re just coworkers who spent months getting to know one another. coworkers who’ve kissed more times than you can count with one hand and who’ve shared secret snacks on set because the days were long and hot but totally worth it for the smiles little girls and boys give you when their princess and her prince bend down to give them a squeeze.

you know that you’ll miss bakugou when this is all over and the movie is out and you’re not showing up to red carpets trying to guess if the PR team will have coordinated your outfits to match those of the final scene in the movie when your characters get married. you’ll hope to work with him again, secretly, praying that you get to be close to him once more.

the final straw that breaks the camels back and gets you to realise that maybe you like bakugou a little more than just co-stars is when you’re both invited for a special interview with big fans of your princess film. children not older than eight or nine wriggle in front of you both with curious questions and katsuki is equally as charmed as you by the costumes they wear that link up with your characters.

for the most part they ask you silly questions like the hardest thing about being a prince or princess, what time you have to wake up for filming and your favourite foods (to which you tell them “he likes spicy tofu, the kind that makes you breathe fire!” and bakugou replies with “are you tellin’ ‘em i’ve got bad breath?” and that makes the kids laugh). but then, the little boy sitting opposite bakugou grows shy and timid towards the end of your time together and the blonde stops the interview from ending so that he can get his question out.

“how did you know that you were in love with her?”

your heart flutters, and you don’t have the heart to tell the poor boy that your acting is make believe and for the silver screen — but bakugou beats you to it, ruffling the kid’s hair fondly.

“i knew ‘cause i was always lookin’ for her whenever we entered a room. she was the first person i saw, the last person i’d want to see,” he rasps, the wisps of a smile on his lips despite the cameras rolling and capturing what feels like a love confession towards his costar. towards you. “i knew ‘cause she was always so kind to me even when i didn’t deserve it, to people who doubted her, to people who loved her. s’been a while since i realised, guess i never said anythin’ but if you like a princess, kid — make sure you tell her before a handsome prince snatches her up first.”

the boy grins eagerly at the blonde’s answer and filming wraps up from there. “they’ll have to cut that bit out,” you say softly, making your way back to the dressing rooms with katsuki. “to avoid scandal, probably.”

but he cocks his head, rolling his eyes at you as if you hadn’t understood a word he’d said. “it’d only be a scandal if it weren’t true. i meant what i said. i like you, dummy.”

you lean against the dressing room door, mouth agape. “w-why didn’t you say anything before?”

“because i was just worried that my princess had already been swept off her feet by her handsome prince.”

“by you, i’d been swept of my feet by you. stupid.”

you take a step back and bakugou follows you forward, caging you in. “guess that makes me your prince charming.” he quips, leaning down to your height.

tilting your head upwards, you smile gently and let your hands rest on katsuki’s broad shoulders. “you’ve been playing that part for the last few months, have you not.”

“yeah, ‘guess i have,” he mirrors your expression, lips brushing over yours in a real true loves kiss.

[verysanebsdfan]

𝑲𝒊𝒍𝒍𝒖𝒂 𝒁𝒐𝒍𝒅𝒄𝒌 𝒙 𝒎𝒊𝒔𝒂!𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒆𝒓

Request: And also one where reader is very similar to misa misa from death note !! She's a famous model w kira as her nen and she joined the Hunter to try and see what else she could do!!

Hii!! This is a story to a second part of this request, I hope you like it.

Also i havent watched Death note since like 3 years ago so it may not be all so accurate, the personality i mean !!

tw: mentions of murder and manipulation, headcanons so if dont like it dont read, okay it feels more like a story but kshssksksj

Its longer than i like and expected

Idk if i understood it correctly, but your nen will be an entity of sorts, Kira, who owns something like a death note but the person doesnt have to die, they can just do whats written in it and then go on with living.

────୨ৎ────

ꨄ︎ Getting tired of your modeling career was something to be expected, the toxic beauty standarts were very annoying, also having people behind your back constantly was just draining, so you ran away.

ꨄ︎ You being an exceptional child learned nen at a very young age, thanks to your nen teacher, so you figured you could expand your abilities and go to take the Hunter exam, I mean people say it's hard right?

ꨄ︎ Upon arrival you immediately notice some interesting people, so far, mostly number 44, who's aura is very interesting, however its pink!! How cute !!

ꨄ︎ Waiting for some time bored you very much, but more interesting people started appearing like number 301, 99 or 294. Only 301 and 44 appeared to know nen though !!

ꨄ︎ How boring !!

ꨄ︎ You bet you could fight and win against all of those people, using your nen ability of course, you might be wondering why did you choose an ability like this, well it is really simple. In the world of modeling and acting, you need people to like you and do what you want, whether it's to not go through some stuff you don't want to, or to higher your pay, maybe just living comfortably. But from whatever point of view you look at it, it's useful.

ꨄ︎ Waiting for few more hours, and being in a room with other 404 applicants was honestly suffocating. You could basically cut through the tension in the air. Everyone was so tense, guys chill it won't be that hard !!

ꨄ︎ I mean i am sure it is the stares that everyone is giving Tonpa, who is currently trying to poison some newbies, number 403, 404 and 405. How interesting...

ꨄ︎ Being led through a very long tunel was also very interesting, i mean, the people here are dropping like flies, losers.

ꨄ︎ But being approached by a green kid who told you that you look strong was something you didn't expect, you thought you hid your strenght well !!

ꨄ︎ But he was fun to hang out around, so you stayed, getting joined by another kid your age later on, number 99, one of the interesting people here.

ꨄ︎ And that is when your life finally started getting interesting.

(why is the beggining longer than headcanons i usually do ;-;)

ꨄ︎ Exploring the airship with the two boys made it really interesting, especially hearing their bacstories, why is everyone here fatherless or has a toxic family...including you, the stare you got from Killua when you told them your parents were assassinated was wild...He might know, you figured, but of course it couldn't have been him, he is not strong enough for that yet...

ꨄ︎ Then getting separated from them in the third and partially fourth phase too was very boring, it was so quiet without them...

ꨄ︎ After you passed the exam, and went to save Killua from his crazy family, you were all together again, and training to get stronger. Mostly on the punching bags in the Heavens Arena...uhhh Humans

ꨄ︎ Unfortunately many people have recognized you, since you were a model and acted in a lot of movies, how annoying, so Killua started being protective over you, subconsciously though. (too ooc?)

ꨄ︎ Months after that, while you guys were on the Whale Island, Killua decided to tag with you and Gon while he finds his dad and you find the person who murdered your parents. Sweet.

ꨄ︎ During the Yorknew arc having been recognized by even more people was so annoying, i mean you couldn't even partake in Kurapikas plan !! At least not like Gon and Killua, what a shame...you could just write some stuff and the boss of the Phantom Troupe could come to you !!

ꨄ︎ Either way, surviving all this while slowly catching feelings was very good. As you got into the game, Greed island and later reunited with your nen teacher, Bisky, everything seemed ideal, at least until you had to leave, it was so fun here !! No anoying 12 year olds fawning over Killua when you walked on the street, it is wrong to kill children after all, no perverted men eyeing you up and down- that was a lie, but still... it is wrong to kill people in general but the latter was fun

ꨄ︎ And now you had to fight some stupid BUGS ?! no.

ꨄ︎ Of course you will, you cannot just leave them, i mean the only thing stopping you are your feelings, but that doesn't change anything...

ꨄ︎ Of course after all this mess you were brought into, you weren't able to confess either. It hurts. It really does, but Gon...he is in bad condition so you gotta set the priorities straight.

ꨄ︎ In the end, Gon met his father, and you met Alluka, how cute, blurting out that you love her brother wasn't so cute, but hey, she supports you !!

ꨄ︎ Telling Killua that you love him right before leaving to kill his older brother who killed your parents wasnt cute either. But hey who cares right ?? We only live once, and you want to kill Illumi Zoldyck you might not live much longer, what do you have to lose.

ꨄ︎ Him trying to stop you wasn't very flashy either...

ꨄ︎ But you cannot leave him now can you ?? Illumi will wait, after all, who can kill him if not you ??

────୨ৎ────

I don't like it a a a a

[koreanbibliophilegirl]

Idk if this is too out of nowhere, but I imagine c!Wilbur with silver hair these days.

Like, I picture c!Phil with long golden hair, genuinely golden, not straw-colored or whatever, and royal midnight blue eyes, to match c!Kristin having star-speckled black space colored eyes. His skin is pale and clear, like he's a doll made of the finest porcelain and the richest materials. I mean, it's not too far off. I headcanon that c!Phil was made by the other gods to serve the Goddess of Death- since Death couldn't create life of any sort, even to serve as her Angels.

c!Wilbur is human because he's not exactly of godly descent, because again, Death can't create life. He's half angel at most, so he ends uo mortal. He'd have a longer life than is typical for humans, but that’s about it. Doesn't manifest any Death Angel Powers either, unless you count persuasive speech a Death Angel Power. (Spoiler alert: it is, in fact, an Angel Power. He makes ppl fear death less, for better or worse. c!Wilbur just has low self-esteem AND was dense enough to not notice.)

c!Kristin plans for c!Wilbur and his descendants to become Angels of Death too. She wants them to live human lives to their fullest beforehand though, because the cycle of life and death is beautiful, and even though her domain is a whole half of that cycle, she still wants her children to experience everything that life can give them before they join her domain.

c!Wilbur has silver hair and violet eyes. They look like a dark dusk sky- but he always claims his eyes are purple, not violet. Purple is the color of emperors after all, should he not have eyes fitting of an emperor? c!Tommy, as a result, canNOT distinguish purple and violet, he keeps calling violet 'purple' and vice versa. (He initially annoys c!Purpled bc he was constantly messing up & calling the guy 'Violeted'.)

c!Wilbur cares about c!Tommy, but he's also jealous, because this random kid, unrelated to any Angels(as far as they know), has bright blonde hair and clear sky blue eyes. He looks more Angel than c!Wilbur, the son of the Angel of Death(he doesn't really count Kristin as a parent bc she didn't actually have any part in siring him).

So he sort of encourages c!Tommy acting childish and pulling pranks, because then, at the very least, HE will be the one acting properly between the two of them. Hard to look like an Angel child when you're acting like a demon child, yknow?

c!Tommy doesn't think much of it though, and once comments that he and c!Wil look a lot alike, because they both have light-colored hair and their eye colors are similar too, from c!Tommy's childish perspective. This fuels both the loving brotherly instincts AND the jealousy.

The jealousy and low self-esteem also affects c!Wil's treatment of c!Fundy, who has bronze hair. Neither think c!Fundy will develop Angel Powers bc surely the DNA is all watered-down by now? So c!Wil subconsciously treats c!Fundy as someone who will never amount to anything, because no powers mean not many viable achievements- and c!Fundy is definitely not a politician like himself.

BUT turns out the Angelic genes (seemingly) skipped a generation, and c!Fundy starts dreaming of future deaths. He doesn't tell c!Wil bc not only will he not be able to help, he will also, most likely, be jealous. c!Fundy doesn't want to navigate that kind of change in their relationship, because what they have now kinda sucks, but c!Fundy fears it'll get even worse if c!Wil finds out about him having a power. AND, he wants to be seen for who he is and what he can achieve, not just for the random Death Angel Power he can't even control. Wanting to be seen as a whole rather than one aspect only, basically.

I also imagine c!Fundy, after he dies, will become the Angel who's most loved by mortals.

c!Phil never went through death, never understood the fear and uncertainty that people feel when faced with death. For him, Death is his beloved wife, and eternal rest with her, and that's all there is. Even after everything from DSMP, he only begins to gain a faint glimmer of understanding.

c!Wilbur's got a glib tongue and he lessens the newly-dead souls' fears easily- but he's not an easy Angel to approach, he still has subconscious habits, wanting to rise above the people, create some sort of superiority so he doesn't fade into a nameless nobody, unworthy of being the son of the Angel of Death- or being an Angel of Death.

c!Fundy though, saw things from the crowd. He's relatable. Spiderman is popular bc his life is so relatable to everyone, same thing here. He knows the hopes and fears and uncertainty of people, because he's been there before. He comforts the dead, and the dead know he understands.

c!Philza was and is the Reaping Angel, he reaps souls like a farmer gathering his produce, just another day's work and nothing more.

c!Wilbur becomes the Rising Angel, he rises above all others, hands out pain and mercy like a brutally efficient royal whose words are inevitable.

c!Fundy becomes the Remembering Angel, he remembers his mortal days and strives to bring peace and rest to every soul, weeping with them, assuring them, sometimes giving them just one more moment for the temporary goodbyes that feel so permanent. He guarantees illnesses will fade, promises you will see them again, and swears on his honor for peaceful sleeps.

The story of the Remembering Angel are told and retold, always with more being added. The angel of eternal peace and rest, with red gold hair like warm fire, and beautiful golden eyes.

Yeah anyways it's nearly 2 AM and I should probably sleep. Or write something I guess. The creativity juices are very clearly flowing like rivers rn. I actually have no idea what I wrote above this paragraph, I usually read over posts before posting but none of that tonight. I will POST and GO, either to sleep or write. I have no idea if I even said what I wanted to said. If I don't like this post in the morning I can just private it or delete it or whatever.

Yeah Lilly OUT peace and love yall

[deathbxnny]

hallooo, since your bio says all requests are open, may i request platonic welt,blade, dan heng and jing yuan with mafuyu asahina!teen reader

since you said you play pjsekai i wont explain much, i basically want the characters reaction to the reader dropping their “good kid” mask and revealing their suicidal,empty and apathatic personality instead since they felt comfortable around them and didnt need to act

-----♡

A/N: As a Kanade Stan, I absolutely love this idea so much! So thank you for the request, Anon!<33

Content: Platonic relationships, teen reader, fluff, some angst, depression, sfw

Reader has no set pronouns!

((Not fully proofread))

-----♡

》Welt Yang

Welt knew something was off about you, the moment you joined the Astral Express. It was as though you were just... so fake about everything. You tried too hard to be good at everything to an unhealthy point, which worried him a little. You were too young to have such obvious emptiness in you.

So when he finally confronted you about this, you were quite surprised at how perceptive he was and no amount of lying or deflecting got you out of it either. And so when you finally dropped the whole act altogether in defeat, you couldn't help but wonder if this meant that he'd be disappointed in you too for it, just like everyone else seemed to be.

Instead, he simply patted your head and said that it was alright, if you didn't want to talk about it, but that he just wanted you to know, that you didn't need to hide your feelings from him. This made you break slightly, as you could only silently nod in hopes of hiding how much that hit you. You were stuck to his side afterwards, your eyes filled with a new spark that made him finally feel at ease.

-----♡

》Dan Heng

Dan Heng didn't notice your good kid act being fake at first and simply just brushed it off. That caused you to try a little too hard with him, as you thought that you weren't seen as enough by him either. He finally started catching onto your act, when you slipped up with him, your irritation at his disinterest showing for the first time ever.

He becomes more observant after and closely watches the way you interact with everyone around you. And after realising that it was all just an act, he eventually bluntly tells you to just knock it off and act like yourself. He didn't want you to force yourself around him, especially when he didn't care all that much. You became alot more comfortable with him afterwards, your empty personality being revealed to him fully over time.

He never judges you for it and even just praises you indirectly for being yourself. He isn't good at emotions and doesn't really know how to help you, but he decides that being there for you like this is enough for now. And it makes you open up more, finally feeling understood and heard by someone.

-----♡

》Blade

Blade saw right through your act and grew irritated by it quite fast. He didn't like the way you were basically lying to your face and quickly told you to knock it off and act like yourself. This shook you to the core, but didn't argue, as you just obliged and dropped the whole act entirely just around him. He nodded in approval, not saying anything more.

He never asked why you were the way you are, but didn't judge you either. You stuck by his side afterwards however, since he gave you an odd sense of comfort that you never got anywhere else. And as long as you weren't bothering him or causing trouble, he'd let you stay with him.

He subconsciously began looking out for you, his eyes always watching you closely in case you tried anything stupid or got in too much trouble with your little act. He'd always defend you, ready to beat anyone who bothered or bullied you. He didn't want to admit it, but you became a soft spot for him. Perhaps you reminded him of someone, but whatever the case was, he wasn't letting you get hurt anymore.

-----♡

》Jing Yuan

Jing Yuan was just waiting for you to feel comfortable enough around him, before he finally confronted you on everything. In the meantime, he gently praised you and approved of everything you did, trying to show you that everything was alright now and that you could always come to him for everything. He was so supportive and fatherly to you, calmly waiting for you to break, so that he can piece you together lovingly.

So when you finally dropped the act, he simply praised you for being so brave and didn't judge you for it. Instead he gave you the help you so desperately needed and stayed with you the entire time, always ensuring you get treated with the respect and love you deserved. He doesn't let your mind cloud with any dark thoughts anymore and distracts you with some duties around the Luofu.

You practically follow him everywhere, your eyes always holding a spark in them, as you eagerly listen to him praise and compliment you, whilst giving you approving pats on the head. The loneliness disappears eventually and the dark clouds get replaced with sunny, bright skies. All thanks to him, ofcourse.

-----♡

A/N: I hope this was alright! Thank you again for the request, Anon!<33

[kazukazuhas]

˗ˏˋ ꒰ 💌 ꒱ old friends, lloyd garmadon.┊ ˚➶ ｡˚ ☁️

˗ˏˋ ꒰ 💌 ꒱ act one ;; scene two┊ ˚➶ ｡˚ ☁️

  ୧ ⎯⎯ DRIVE

୧ ⎯⎯ WARNINGS ;; longing ;; lloyd being not human, so real

  ୧ ⎯⎯ NOTES ;; um, i don't know how to feel about this chapter lowkey

  ୧ ⎯⎯ PREVIOUS ┊MASTERLIST┊NEXT

  ୧ ⎯⎯ 1 IMAGE ;; TEXT [CLICK FOR BETTER QUALITY]

there was a sore feeling in lloyd's heart when they finally departed from the girls' place, one that made him long to be at his sisters' for at the least a few more moments or even just a second. disappointment dragged down his lips into a frown before he decided on shifting to make himself comfortable. green eyes set onto the stationary road beside him, mindlessly watching the bystanders in his life move along in their own without much worry for his.

not that they cared any more if they knew it was him.

lloyd subconsciously leaned against the door, tired eyes still were kept trained on the now blurry roads of the city streets while he consciously fought back a yawn threatening to break his attention. he swallowed down the yawn with some successful effort before sighing quickly after. the blond then moved to lean against the seat instead of the window, moving his head to rest on jay's shoulder who laid his own on the younger's.

the muffled and soft sound of the older boy's heartbeat calmed his thoughts, subtle but effective enough to bring him back to his very much normal-at-the-moment reality.

"soooo?" jay whispered above a breath to make sure he didn't wake anyone up (cole sat in the front passenger seat to keep zane company while he drove but he fell asleep after kai did a little after when they left the road the girls were staying). he ruffled lloyd's hair before dropping the hand to the boy's lap to hold one of his own. "how you doing?"

lloyd squeezed the brunet's hand softly, lightly purring into the jacket covering his shoulder with a nuzzle of his nose. "okay," it was a soft mumble, but jay hummed back in a delicate tone.

he didn't think his disappointment was worth the mention. of course he would feel so, lloyd only found his old friend after years and all that time lost needed some catching up. he felt something similar when they first left the outskirts, but the shadowy emotion lurked in something else while beside his thought of disappointment.

the boy peeked over jay's shoulder to catch a quick glance at his phone. jay smiled while sparing a quick glance down to lloyd, tilting his phone to lloyd to show the flashy colours belonging to edits of the secret ninja force the public managed make from the choppy clips filmed during some attacks and some better ones from impromptu interviews all courtesy of NGTV news.

jay himself never really understood why, but he enjoyed watching the silly edits of the city's ninja from time to time. it did kill time and he did have an addiction to the incredibly addictive tiktok.

the bright blues and white swirled back and forth, the edit was of the lightning ninja that switched back and forth from good old fighting to some interviews, the one in question was particularly a popular vlog, done by some kid that managed to show up at all the right times.

"hey, aren't those nelson's videos?" lloyd quietly asked, shifting to see the phone a little better. jay hummed, agreeing quietly before opening the comments and mindlessly scroll through them. "yeah, he has some of the best quality clips when yk? we are fighting nine out of ten times we do show up." lloyd nodded slightly, going back to watching whatever edit played next.

"aw, they like me!" jay quietly exclaimed with a wide and happy smile at the thought, informing the driver (who seemingly went into auto pilot for a moment) of a random comment from the following video's comment section he liked before giving it his own verbal one and going back to scrolling aimlessly. the soft phonk music turned to gentler ones and back, switching to and forward between all sorts of genres before stopping shortly and starting up again.

the feeling didn't leave while lloyd tried hard to concentrate on whatever was playing on jay's phone even if most of it was bright, flashy colours. it lingered and mixed with the tiredness marching through his body uninvitingly.

lloyd sighed again, choosing to close his eyes and enjoying the peace of the trip back home after the light began to lose its hold on his attention. the eye hurting array colours mixed with dark that surrounded his closed eyes. fortunately, it didn't bother him too much. slowly he finally succumbing asleep on jay's shoulder, still partially attached to his brother's side.

"g'night, kid," jay murmured, knowing lloyd barely heard him in his sleepy daze, before switching his phone off and resting his head against lloyd's again and trying to catch up on his lack of shut eye himself.

maybe if he slept, lloyd thought, that pit in his gut would go away?

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[abyssmare]

Kazui Sexuality Analysis

For the past few months, i’ve convinced multiple people that Kazui Mukuhara is gay— and with the introduction of the Cat MV, I felt it’d be good to make a master list documenting exactly why the theory came across. Primarily to indoctrinate people. Sorry. Thank you @prisoner-000 for helping me with this! >_< ( Despite me initially being the one indoctrinating you lol! )

TW : Open talk discussing Suicide.

WARNING : Spoilers for Trial 2.

Welcome to the ride.

Also I forget Hinako canonically has a name so she’s referred to as “his wife” the whole time. Oops..

Let’s start with the First Trial Voice Drama: “Gouging in the Night” / “Another Night”.

With this being an introductory voice drama, it’s hard to necessarily gauge much of the depth regarding Kazui’s character, but we do get our first introductory to his heavily emphasized ‘lying’ aspect of his character. We also get multiple instances in which he identifies adults with being those that cannot act on their emotions, as Kazui did, because in doing so makes them ‘weak’. Es refers to Kazui as someone with a fake smile, that’s been “consciously crafted to show himself a certain way”, which can be common in those that have experiences having to mask their identity due to a rough home-life / lack of being understood by peers around them.

“What's so good about it? I don't like this.It's just a fake smile that you've consciously crafted to show yourself in a certain way. You're acting based on how you want others to see you - your face clearly shows that you're lying.”

“This is, this is.... You're pretty strict. * Laughs* it's not like I'm not scared at all, either. But I've got the responsibility that comes with being older, too - even in an abnormal situation like this, there's no way I could just let myself panic in front of the kids. Well, even if it's fake, adults need to keep up a smile... in order to not let you young ones down, you know.”

Having to keep up a ‘mask’/‘facade’ in order to keep those around him happy.

—— • ——

“If you say that I'm lying.. You might just be right. Unfortunately, once you're an adult, you get very good at lying.”

“.. Adults, huh?”

Another brief mention of ‘lying’ being natural for adults.

—— • ——

“I... see. It might be as you say. We just become more and more passive to avoid causing pain. Yeah... that's right. It's true that my lies killed her, and even now, I still haven't changed. No, that's not it - I can't change because I was already born this way. But... Don't talk big without even knowing a thing about my feelings, kid.”

“...Nice to meet you, Kazui Mukuhara, it feels like I've finally come face to face with you. Well met, I am Es, the prison guard of MILGRAM.”

“* Exhales, chuckles * Such a fashionable way of greeting, huh? Well, hopefully, you won't come to regret this. These kinds of relationships tend to bring pain with them.”

Despite his wife dying, he says he has not changed, despite all the guilt he supposedly holds for her suicide.

A vague remark regarding their relationship being inherently ‘painful’, despite it being shown that they seemed happy in their relationship. This is emphasized in the ��Cat” MV, where you get a better glimpse at their personal relationship.

—— • ——

“As you know, with this personality of mine... I have trouble talking to others about myself openly. I guess, despite physically being as big as I am, I've still got a cowardly side to myself.”

“I'm not interested in your self-deprecation.”

“There's something I'm thinking about now, with this situation... I... all of my sins and weaknesses that I've been hiding... I might have been subconciously waiting for for someone to forcibly uncover them all along.”

He has been “subconsciously waiting for someone to forcibly uncover them,” which implies a sense of relief when he is finally uncovered as a liar. He would not have to show face, or lie about himself.

This is common in gay people who cannot reveal their identity due to negative reception/social status. It is easier to hide than it is to reveal and be honest with those around you, though that relief would still exist.

—————————————————

The “Half” MV.

the title for half could easily be showing a one-sided love— only one ‘half’ sharing that love.

“If only your heart would change, but that’s not possible.”

Here we begin with the first bits of implication, and strongly at that. The description of the video highlights a lyrical piece I believe is incredibly important— as I personally believe it’s him speaking to himself. He had no reason for his wife to have a change of heart, he is shaming himself here. He has openly stated he dislikes himself, so it’s not necessarily surprising.

“Laughing together, side by side, this distance in our relationship is misleading me. Is this what happiness is?”

Under the idea that Kazui seeked compassion and love in a relationship, as it’s hinted at in “Cat”, it’s likely around this time that he actually began to realize that he had struggled to be attracted to her beyond face value. What he lists is not inherently romantic, and in fact can be viewed as a lyric about a best friend whom viewed him as a lover.

“Where did I go wrong? Probably from the beginning,

Please tell me what I should do, feelings shrouded in lies will float away and disappear”

He’s beginning to understand that his feelings aren’t attraction to her, but built up on the ideal of what attraction should be. Kazui mentions that his parents would be disappointed in him now— and that begs the question, why? His life was generally exactly as you’d expect if not more from an adult man. He seemed to have a well-off job, a loving wife, and the only thing missing is a lack of kids. There was nothing there to disappoint them in the first place.

“I could try you, and I could touch you, but you probably wouldn’t notice

I understand that this love is out of bounds, so nothing has to change”

After these lines, likely referencing Kazui’s inability to grasp their relationship romantically, he is shown to stare up at his audience member self. I am under the belief that there are two Kazui’s: the one masking his sexuality, and the other painfully aware of it. The ‘actor’ (masking) one proceeds to gesture his head over for the audience member to proceed to the right— and this is where he sees it.

The “Forbidden Fruit” Motif

This will be referenced in both MV’s.

It’s hard to explain the origin of the “Forbidden Fruit” idea, but the generalized concensus for the usage of this motif in media is the following :

As a metaphor outside of the Abrahamic religions, the phrase typically refers to any indulgence or pleasure that is considered illegal or immoral.

Kazui’s forbidden fruit motif is intense. The representation of it through a green apple is something he finds with distaste, stepping away from it and staring aghast.

“All this time till now has hurt me. The scales of my heart has decided to sway.”

Kazui is unhappy. He is admitting to that unhappiness, even being pictured in the MV as this is when he confessed to his wife.

“If continuing to hide is called unhappiness, not even one word will get to you.”

I’m not sure what to make of the second part, I believe to an extent this is her ‘denial’ of his feelings. A fear that this is happening, something that is truly real. Kazui openly states he’s unhappy, and she cannot fathom that. Reasonably so.

“I’m sure nothing will change and we’ll laugh together and call each other stupid names.

So many things I wish I hadn’t known, i’m just a coward.

Why is it questioning me now?”

Kazui wished to remain friends. And that broke her. That broke her enough to which she ended up committing suicide. He was oblivious, and let his emotional side get to him— this is why he insists on the fact he “failed when he prioritized his emotions.”

—————————————————

The Birthday Art

For their birthdays in 2021, Milgram released art + merch with the characters, with flowers representative of aspects of their characters. Flower meaning plays a large role in this.

Kazui has a spiderwort on his vest. This can be representative of “wisdom” or “I respect you, but not in love”. Uh.. do I really have to hyper-analyze this?

—————————————————

Second Trial Voice Drama : “ Imposter Boulevard “

FINALLY. Dead confirmation that the cheating theories are entirely false— which begs the question of ‘What the hell is going on with this man?’ … You know why we’re here.

In this voice drama, i’d argue he’s incredibly open about the fact there’s more to him than we initially believed. Thank you Onigiriico for the translations!

“That’s ridiculous. If you can save someone by telling a lie, that’s what you should do.”

“However… You killed someone with your lies, didn’t you?”

“… Ah… You forgave me, didn’t you? Aren’t you being especially strict towards me?”

He admits that lying in order to save someone is where his moral compass lies.

“Marriage is something that both partners want equally, isn’t it? It’s something you can’t do if only one person wants it. Deciding to treat it as a punishment all on your own… You’re making a mockery out of it.”

“I really am. Ah… She must have thought so as well. My wife, that is.”

“I’ve said this before: You’re a liar. Those lies have killed a person.”

No notes. You get it.

“I despise myself for lying, too. Being a liar, you see – it’s painful.”

“Heh. Then just–“

“So I’ve tried to change! I’ve tried to change. I have tried to stop lying to myself and others!”

“…”

“I’ve confided in others. I’ve tried to be myself! I’ve tried to just be the way I was born!”

“…Hey, Kazui–“

“It’s not my lies that killed her. She’s dead because I stopped lying to her! If I had just kept lying- She wouldn’t have died…!”

The implication that he has had to ‘confide’ in others, attempting to be himself rather than the masking he has done all his life.. and now here he is, in Milgram, reminded of his past. Hauntingly, almost.

“All the lies I’ve told are tying me down. Ever since I was little, I’ve never truly opened myself to anyone. But in the end, people can’t be saved if they don’t [open up]. And by now, it’s gotten to a point where I can’t do it by myself anymore…”

( machinery whirrs, bell rings )

“I did think Milgram would be able to force its way past that, though.”

He’s hidden he was gay since he was a child, but he knows the Milgram Prison of all things can dig into his memory and force him to confess.

—————————————————

The “Cat” MV.

With the active removal of the ‘cheating’ theory people centrically revolved towards, the introduction of the “Cat” MV was something i’ve been looking forward to for a while now due to the possibilities that it contained. And possibilities it showed, investing in the origin of the couple we’ve been following for so long. Two coworkers turned into a married couple, happily together with one ‘small’ issue. Kazui seems to recognize that his feelings for hers do not match what she wishes.. after they’re married.

“I just wanted to touch, to caress, i just wanted to be touched. So it’s wrong? Shove that!”

“If it’s for the sake of true love, who wouldn’t lis for that?”

Kazui is seeking attention. He views romantic relationships as capable of giving him that, and assumed that’s what the relationships entail. In doing so, he’s indirectly ‘using’ her for the romantic aspects he’s unaware he doesn’t reciprocate. He views this as the normality for relationships, assumably having not been in many before then.

“Love (plus) Destiny = Crap

Smash it, shatter it, bye-bye

That sticky-sweet sequence: Dinner + Camouflage + You-Know-What

Loving Affection (minus) Love

Victim and Perpetrator, let’s keep it simple”

A long collective of lines, but it’s perfectly representative of what I previously stated. Kazui cannot understand what is meant to be a romantic relationship. In discovering what he believes to be one, he lashes out, assuming that relationships are something that he deem more inconvenient than the exciting things that are talked about in stories.

This is where Kazui begins to realize he is not happy in his relationship, and it is not because of his wife. And of course, in response to this distress— not too long later in the video, the green apple returns.

The return of the “Forbidden Fruit”, a constant reminder that he is living a lie. I don’t believe this is directly meant to symbolize his homosexuality, but rather the aspects of it he is trying to ignore. He is hiding the things he knows will hurt her, even if it hurts him. As stated in one of the lines during this sequence:

“All the things I wanna do that I can’t say out loud, I gotta keep it inside and act.”

He has conformed to the idea of just being another actor playing his role in life. This will crumble soon. For both their sakes.

Quickly, the sequence shifts once again to Kazui’s inner dialogue.

“I can’t stop, I can’t be normal

This feeling, it can’t be gratified

This feeling, it yearns to be satisfied”

Kazui yearns for what he can’t have: a relationship where he shares the feelings his partner does. He yearns to love and be loved. He is an adult, far too late in his life ( in his eyes ) to do so. It’d be selfish to turn back now and begin a new life, but it’s just as painful to live a lie of loving someone he just is not capable of loving. This is why the sequence breaks so quickly.

He cannot confide in the smoking he is indulging in to cope, quickly taking the animal and taking a bite, representative of him tearing their marriage apart by his ‘confession’.

“I want to be loved, just like a cat”

And then his wife is shown to die, him bloodied from the animal and nothing but the facade left in the dust.

Kazui Mukuhara and Hinako Mukuhara were never meant to love. But in Kazui’s desperation, and Hinako’s love, they’ve created a lavender marriage(1) webbed in lies and deception— and the only way a love story like this ends is in tragedy.

—————————————————

Interrogation Notables

Who do you respect?

“You wouldn’t know them, but I have a childhood friend. I really look up to them. Sorry for bringing up someone you have no clue about.”

Do note that this “childhood friend” he briefly mentions has had he/him pronouns in a few translations. It is also notable that he mentions said childhood friend owns a boat. And guys like boats idk im grasping for straws here as usual

Is your family proud of you?

“No. They must find me embarrassing.”

Logic or Emotion, which do you prioritize more?

“I’ve failed before when prioritizing emotions. I’ll never act on my feelings again.”

Do you like yourself?

“Well, not really.”

If the world were to end tomorrow, what would you do?

“Relax and go traveling, I guess. That childhood friend I talked about before has a boat.”

Do you regret your “murder”?

“I do regret it. I should’ve continued to just pile up my lies.”

Do you want to be forgiven?

“I don’t know. I do think I want my weakness to be accepted, if I were to be honest.”

—————————————————

Extra Speculation/Key Notes

The René Magritte painting comparison is something that’s notably been pointed out since Cat’s release, being that one of the shots mimics a painting of René Magritte’s very closely— though, one would mark it as coincidence, the comparison and meaning behind the piece actually makes it appear intentional.

The meaning behind the painting ‘The Son of the Man’, or in Margritte’s words, is “Everything we see hides something else. We always want to see what is hidden with what we see but this is not possible. Humans hide their secrets very well.” This is clearly intentional, given Kazui’s open inability to just confess to his ‘lying’ himself- entrusting on Milgram to open up his mind and make him confess to something he has hidden ‘since he was young’.

The “bartender”, or as the fandom has dubbed him “Kazui’s gay lover”, is a very popular outsider character to Milgram due to his seemingly close connection to Kazui. He is shown in both the “Half” and “Cat” as a sort of friend to him— a connection to the bar he is familiar with, and even resorts to in rough times. In the “Half” MV he is notably missing a wedding ring, whilst at the “Cat” wedding he is wearing one.

Many people theorize that Kazui recognized he had feelings for this man, and that was his way of recognizing that he was gay, whilst the feelings were unreciprocated due to him being assumably married. In a shot in “Cat”, Kazui is seen staring into a glass, although it’s unknown where or whom he is speaking to. A line says the following:

“Hey, so what if I said I like-liked you, what would you do?”

This is post-wedding, clearly thanks to Kazui’s scuffed appearance. But that is in no-way you would speak to your wife, is it not? It is easy to assume that he is speaking to the bartender in this instance.

DO NOTE : It is possible the bartender is not featured in the “Cat” MV, and it happens to be a design incredibly similar. He was in the center of the shot though, and that’d be an insane coincidence IMO.

@prisoner-000 : “ The roles he takes on in the play (Soldier, office worker, host) are anchored in masculinity, at least in their societal perceptions. His actor costume is supposed to represent his status as an actor even more clearly. (There seems to be a recurring motif of him as an “actor”). “

@prisoner-000 : Portal interaction addition.

—————————————————

I LOVE YOU KAZUI! 🫡🏳️‍🌈

I hope this does him justice..

I put a lot of effort into this, it would mean a lot if you interacted so more people could see. Thank you for reading!!

[denimbex1986]

'Russell T Davies has opened up about the decision to use the deadname of trans character Rose Noble in Doctor Who's The Star Beast.

The first 60th anniversary special introduced Rose, played by Yasmin Finney, as the daughter of Donna Noble (Catherine Tate). The episode includes various references to Rose being transgender, including a conversation about pronouns, and showing her grandmother Sylvia (played by Jacqueline King) attempting to get to grips with how to refer to her.

At one point, Rose is seen being called by her deadname by a group of bullies. Deadnaming is the act of referring to a transgender or non-binary person by the name they used prior to transitioning or coming out and, in this case, is shown to be a malicious attempt to undermine Rose's identity.

Speaking on the Official Doctor Who Podcast, Russell T Davies explained: "Rose, at one point, is deadnamed in the street by some kids calling her by her deadname, which is Jason.

"The interesting thing about Jason is actually it means 'Healer' or 'Doctor' which means that Donna actually named her child after the Doctor, without realising it, subconsciously, which was a nice fact in there.

"To get that across and to get the prejudice that's being shown towards Rose by those bullies and thugs in the street, we actually have to have a scene of deadnaming."

He then asked Juno Dawson, co-host of the podcast and writer of Doctor Who: Redacted: "Is that a good thing to do? Is that a wise thing to do? Is that a difficult thing to do? I personally think we should stare into difficult stuff like this but equally what a nice easy life I've got and I'm ready to be told otherwise, so what do you think?"

Dawson said: "I feel that it is important to show the lived reality of trans people. Rose is played by an amazing trans actor, Yasmin Finney from Heartstopper, and it happens.

"The important thing here is that the characters who misgender Rose aren't presented as aspirational characters. I think it's important how upset, if stoic, Rose is, how it really upsets Donna, and I think that's important. To my mind, as a trans person and as a writer, there is no point in trying to sugar the pill – trans people face transphobia.

"It felt accurate and honest to me that Rose is misgendered. It felt honest and right that Sylvia sometimes struggles with pronouns because she's learning, because she understood her grandchild was one thing and then Rose chose a different life for herself. For me, I thought that scene was quite important and it felt honest."

Previously speaking about Finney's casting at the premiere of The Star Beast, Davies explained: "It's not just a Doctor Who thing for me, it's something I and a lot of other writers are very keen to do, to be progressive and to just reflect more of society.

"And it's funny, in casting Yasmin, there's very few people we could have cast, and it's like a light came down from heaven and there she was – before Heartstopper, actually.

"It was just so powerfully meant to be, and I think she does the most amazing job and it's an absolute privilege to work with her to get her on screen."'

[ruminate88]

Being Triggered? Healing Journal 07/03/24

I never even understood the meaning of the word “triggered” truly until I’ve been learning about emotional abuse. You nonchalantly hear stuff as a kid, no matter if it was from family members, school or tv. You hear things but you don’t always understand it unless you yourself experience it.

It’s always the ones closest to you, that hurt you. Remember that! My last two relationships were manipulative and gaslighting but I had no idea till years later and it’s impacted me in ways I never dreamt it would! Mostly impacting my marriage now.

Since knowing what gaslighting is now, I feel like I recognize it more but fear of being lied to or taken advantage of again in my relationships with people! I subconsciously compare my marriage to my exes and easily get stressed out or worried. I always have to talk myself off the ledge…. I’m always frustrated thinking can I trust my husband, when he seems so nice and hard working? My ex Andrew seemed mostly nice to me but I didn’t realize he was actually putting me down because of the fog I was in with him. I would never manipulate to get my way so I didn’t recognize it back then at all!!

YESTERDAY, was a bad trigger but I quickly got over it: Going back days earlier, I had a conversation with my husband about my mom and nephew’s bday party today. I say if he doesn’t want what my mom is cooking, he can maybe order a couple pizzas because my dad also doesn’t like what my mom is cooking. (My mom has cooked this meal before and both my dad and husband ordered pizza more than once) My husband has been on a diet but says maybe for one day he could cheat and have a pizza…. Didn’t say he was for sure ordering it, just that he could if he wanted to. I then ask my dad if he would like pizza with my husband. My dad says yes but to let him pay for it!!

NOW, yesterday I say to my husband, “my dad also wants pizza with you but wants to pay for it.” My husband then says, “I never said I was bringing pizza…..” 🥸🥸🥸 Right away my mind goes to “is he gaslighting me ????” I know he didn’t say yes he’s for sure getting pizza but said he could cheat on his diet and acted like he did want pizza. I am NOT CRAZY! Deeper than that, my husband has never loved this particular meal my mom makes and neither does my dad. Yet, my husband says yesterday, “I never said I didn’t like that meal. It’s not my favorite but I’ll eat it.” WHAT?!!! 🤨 y’all always get pizza cuz you don’t like this meal. He has ate this meal before but I KNOW he doesn’t care for it.,.

So I’m racing in my head, overthinking, over analyzing, telling myself I am not crazy and why is my husband acting like that…. However, we continued to have a pleasant evening and I kept saying to myself, “Stop comparing him to Andrew. Your husband isn’t trying to gaslight you or manipulate you” 🫠 Feels like every moment in my marriage is a stressful one and a struggle. I’m always on my guard, ready to defend myself and fight!!!

When does this get better??? ❤️‍🩹 When do I stop over thinking every conversation or every mood with my husband. Last night and this morning my husband seemed a tad moody and I believe it’s becuase of social anxiety and knowing he’s gotta go to this bday party today but what if I’m wrong? Either way, I was feeling defensive AND telling myself, “You gotta enjoy yourself despite his moods and if he doesn’t love you, let him move on” BUT my husband does love me…. Why do I question him at every turn????? It’s exhausting and I feel I can’t enjoy myself!! I feel like I’m all alone because my past two relationships were one-sided. Many Friday nights I sat on my phone crying over Andrew because I know he’s at the frat house partying with sorority girls AND he wouldn’t Snapchat me till 3am and send me a selfie of himself saying “hey ….” And it was always by himself too. Never looked like anyone else was at this party BUT yet on Facebook, he’s posting pictures of himself with all these girls at the party and it’s almost like he was doing it to make me jealous!!!

Once I calmed down yesterday and didn’t blow steam, I was able to have a good evening with my husband AND I downloaded Pokémon go just so I can stop questioning him when he leaves to go play and he was totally ok with me joining him and even helped me get going on the game. My husband is NOT my enemy. Andrew was. Andrew was the one low key putting me down and making me feel “crazy” but then why sometimes situations arise in my marriage where I am transported back to that feeling of “crazy”??? I KNOW if I don’t trust my husband, our relationship can’t thrive. I trusted him when I married him because I had sex with him and moved in with him…. Yet over time, I lost trust and once I learned about “emotional abuse”, wow…. It’s like I really closed off from the world. I felt so unsafe and troubled that the whole time andrew was deceiving me.

I mean, I knew Andrew lied to me and things were confusing with him but couldn’t explain it or name what was happening. I tried to love Andrew so hard and be a good girlfriend to him but I always felt like I wasn’t pretty enough, smart enough or adventurous enough!!! I saw his ex girlfriends on his old IG post and uggggh I compared myself to them and questioned why in the world Andrew was paying me any attention at all 😭😭😭

Now I feel awful when people do nice things for me and buy me stuff randomly. I feel so bad asking for anything or asking for help. I feel I have to do everything on my own and that I can’t go to anyone to talk about Andrew because what if they don’t understand or what if the make me feel bad for loving him?? Was it so bad to love Andrew as much and as long as I have???

Does ruminating about Andrew make me a bad woman and wife?? 😓😓😓

[myosotlsart]

Any headcanons for characters you wanna share?

Aha. The time has come for me to answer this question.

The thing is, I *don't* have any headcanons for the main "canon" pokémon characters. I let them be. So technically, nothing for them is canon in my head. Not even the fact that Green Oak has a crush on Red. I respect the canon for what it is, and leave it at that.

But if we're talking about slightly *altered* versions of them, such as what I write for them... ahaha. Yes. That's when I allow myself to become a little creative. (The only issue is, there are different alternate timelines. I'll give you a basic rundown of what goes on in my head.)

more under the cut

Pokespe Inspired (Universe 1)

This is the first story I attempted to write, and as all things written by a child, the contents are a little wild. I'll say what I plan to carry through, however:

Green Oak has a crush on Red. Duh. It was clear the moment he doubled around. No, he wasn't "waiting" on you. PFfft. He just wants to prove he's the best. *Ensue depression after Red's disappearance*. Red, however, is on the aroace spectrum, which means they have to learn and navigate what an intimate/romantic relationship means to them, if they even have one.

Green feels a lot of emotions, which leads him to act irrationally at times. Red is overall a lot more introverted (not to say more calm, but appears to be) which can be hard for Green to read. Like a hot/cold dynamic

Professor Oak, at one point, became the Pokémon Champion due to a mixture of interest in pokémon and perserverence. He never, however, understood the bonds between pokémon, and ultimately dropped the job to pursue studying them. His lack of knowledge considering the bonds between pokémon is what makes him unable to gauge how much Green's pokémon like him, and ties into the fact he also bad at connecting to his very human family

Green's mother is the spoiled daughter of Professor Oak who was also very type A- and so dominant only her last name transferred to her children. Aspects of his personality, such as his cleanliness, and at times deep desire for perfection and insecurity, is a result of her high demands for overachievement

Blue (F) has experienced with traumatized children (Silver) and taking care of Yellow is natural for her because of it. After the events of the main story, she goes back to seek for Yellow, and emotionally and physically helps her grow into her own.

Kanto is generally misogynistic when it comes to female trainers in power and Blue does her damnest, resorting sometimes even to radio broadcast, to slowly shift public opinion on the matter.

Red's primary goal is to befriend pokémon, understand them, and change the region's attitude towards pokémon training (such as with whips, etc.) He doesn't take the championship seriously by the end, which infuriates Green, and only beats Green to bring some finality. Red initially partakes in media to discourage whipping and abusive practices, and stays for a little bit, before ultimately receeding to the mountains due to how overwhelming and impossible it is for one kid to change the world. Red is the one who makes the stairs in the mountain as a subconscious plea for someone to come up and find him, even if he won't go back down himself

There is way more on the second gen I could talk about, but I haven't even drawn any of them yet, so that's for the future I presume

FRLG Inspired (Universe 2)

Unfortunately, in the first universe, Blue (F) ultimately cannot surpass Red and Green, has to deal with the disappointment, and shift priorities. It seems that if only the female trainer exists, she can be the Champion. However, if she were to exist alongside Red, Red always has to win. This AU is an exploration of that notion.

Red and Leaf have the same mother, they look similar, therefore they are twins. However, in the games, they are never seen together. Thus, while Red is raised by his mother (if player chooses Red), this story has Leaf travelling with her father for the majority of their lives, making them estranged siblings. But no hard feelings. (Mostly).

By the time Leaf goes to pick up the pokéballs, only Bulbasaur is left.

Blue Oak is a lot ruder in this AU than he is in the other stories I'm writing, where his and Red's relationship is the core focus. Which is to say, he acts exactly as he does in the game, always trying to prove he's better and one-ups Red.

Leaf is never mentioned beyond FRLG, such as in HGSS. Yet, she must have existed. I imagine her to take a much more relaxed (thus hidden/less flashy) approach to the journey than Red and Blue do. While the boys take the spotlight, she takes unconventional paths around the region, focusing on befriending pokémon. Does she fail at waking Snorlax because she doesn't have the pokéflute? Well, fine, despite not knowing fly, she'll tell Pidgeot to fly over the dang thing, take a running start, and alley-oop over that giant monster.

Due to her more mischevious, shadowed nature (and harkening to her name) Leaf usually favors pokémon such as Butterfree, Crobat, Parasect, Venonat, Golduck, Victreebel, Cloyster, Hypno, Tangela, and Mewtwo. Her more mysterious nature sets her apart from the usual peppy female protagonists. There is something unsettling and amusing/curious about her. If you get decieved by her innocent smile, well...

The test as to whether any of this matters, if she can surpass the popularity of the stars of Kanto, comes to a head at the end of the story.

During HGSS, while Red is on the mountain and Blue handling the gym, she goes to Hoenn (referencing a 2005 postcard of her with a combusken), where she meets May. Traveling with May (who is a climate change activist, thanks to RSE's theme of, well, climate change) is a welcome break from the box she was forced into during her time in Kanto. An experienced, lightly jaded adventurist and an inspiring adventurer with a heart of gold make for an extremely heartwarming journey

Wow! I didn't think I'd have so much to say when I saw this, I was genuinely scrambling for headcanons until I laid out some of the stories I have swirling around my head. Apparently there was a lot in there! The more you know.

[abyssalzones]

domino, 1, 3, 18. nora 20, 28, 42. aaaand rose, 4, 8, 31 :]

smiles. smiling at you. (answers under the readmore)

DOMINO

What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?

0 seconds. Domino is extremely hyperactive by nature, and all that restless energy has to go somewhere lest she gets a terrible idea in her head like "I should put a magnet on Sparks' head and see what happens." (nothing good. most automatic bodily fluids including cerebrospinal fluid is more easily magnetically fucked with than yours or mine.)

3. How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)

Domino has a tendency from childhood to shapeshift into whatever feels "safest" when she goes to sleep, which was usually a rock or something else that could be easily overlooked. I doubt she feels the need as often anymore but considering it does take a (small, almost subconscious at this point) bit of concentration to keep herself looking the way she usually does I think she would turn into essentially a shapeless red blob when she's well and truly asleep.

It's probably kind of difficult for her to wind down and get some sleep though- I can see her turning her favorite action flicks on and letting the sounds of incredible violence lull her to rest.

18. What embarrasses them?

Feeling 'examined', for lack of a better word. Domino gets bristly revealing more information about her abilities, choosing to keep some elements of her highly adaptive biology more secret than others. It isn't necessarily that it's embarrassing to have a nearly instantaneous grasp of any language she hears a few sentences of- it's the questions that follow. She doesn't want to give anyone an excuse to prod at her, or worse yet, take advantage of her convenient powers. She uses them on her terms, not anyone else's.

NORA

20. If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so?

Nora is exceptionally inexperienced in romantic love, but I honestly don't think she would regard it with more importance than platonic relationships. She's capable of very strong bonds in both cases, but would struggle to put the word "love" into her vocabulary. She's a little awkward and her focus is in other places, so it always seems extreme to call anything love. I imagine she's come on a little strongly in the past with others and has resigned herself to having more aloof friendships in adulthood, not wanting to deal with any more rejection for her lack of social skills.

As for familial love, I can tell you she's coming from the perspective of someone who has been an object of it, without really understanding her own feelings about it. Familial love is shapeless, the source of her anxiety and the outline of her world, inescapable and smothering.

It's an expectation- you have to love your mother, right? She's your mom.

28. Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth?

Her answer would be no, but her feelings say otherwise. Nora is a little sensitive to perceived rejections- if she's told she's done something wrong, or is missing a cue everyone else understood, it sticks with her for better or for worse. Being told outright is ultimately what's best for her, but that doesn't mean it won't keep her up at night.

42. How badly do they want to reach their end goal?

Badly. She has something to prove.

ROSE

4. How easy is it to earn their trust?

UHH..... Before or after the end of the first act?

Rose tends to keep people at arm's length, even those she supposedly trusts. It's not always a fear of deception, either- but rather that she doesn't trust others to pull through for her. So long as she has everything under control, she can maintain some faith, but once her carefully ordained plan goes out the window, all bets are off.

Later it gets a little more complicated.

8. What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child?

Rose kept up with chores as a kid (and work, later, as a teenager)- but not schoolwork. I think she just didn't mesh well with the school system and often got flack for letting educational opportunities pass by without much care. Part of the reason her mother was so adamant they stay on Altus in the first place was because it would grant her daughter a real future... But I suppose in the end it didn't matter anyway.

31. Who are they the most glad to have met?

This, out of everything, is the hardest to answer. It's unfair to pick anyone in particular out of the crew. Each of them, in their unique ways, have left an unmistakable impression on Rose, and despite everything their presence ultimately changes her life for the better. (Although she does have to clarify that yes, Domino was there first.) I could get into her unique relationships with each crew member but we would be here all week.

[apollo-zero-one]

One of my cats, the one who is the best natured, the most tolerant and loving, bites my mom. Real, hard biting that breaks skin. He doesn't do this to anyone else in the house. She acts very victimized by it.

But when I ask, were you bothering him? I know you like to annoy the cats on purpose, were you teasing him after he gave you warnings to stop? Were you ignoring boundaries he set? And she'll give the most nonchalant, 'Yeah, probably.'

I'm realizing a lot about my own childhood trauma. I'm remembering, vaguely, distantly, the way I would have my own warnings ignored. I think I remember being overpowered, physically. In good fun! To play, to tickle! Except that I was so so small, and whether I wanted to play was irrelevant. And I was laughing, clearly I liked it! There was nothing I could do once she was playing, so I started avoiding physical play, keeping myself out of positions I could be trapped and tickled as much as I could.

I remember... How important it was to me to speak for my brother. To make sure he was clearly understood. He needs this, he wants that. He doesn't like that.

He doesn't like that. (Please stop doing that to him.) (Please stop doing that to me.)

We both got bigger and were eventually able to defend ourselves. Strong enough to squirm free and crawl away, or to stay curled up in a ball and not have our limbs pulled open and tickle spots revealed. My brother learned that if he gave no reaction, it would bore her until she stopped, and that worked for him. I learned that I had to grab her wrists and physically push her away for her to stop, and that, in combination with avoiding getting into the situation and repeatedly saying while in a safe position I didn't really like to be tickled ('Of course you do, you used to ask me to tickle you as a kid!' maybe sometimes.) finally got her to stop.

We're both big now. She bothers the cats. She likes to touch their noses and whiskers. The girl cats have learned when to walk away from her, they are able enough to squirm and then run. Roman is too big, too out of shape to run, so he's learned that when he has had enough, the only thing she'll listen to is his teeth.

I don't like being touched by strangers. I hate being tickled, it makes me feel out of control, and helpless. I hate feeling helpless.

I love my mother and she never meant any harm. But I am recognizing more and more harm from her as I start to dig deeper into my past and recognize things as trauma that I didn't flag earlier because they didn't sound traumatic. "I was often held down and tickled by my mom as a child" sounds like a cute childhood story. "I was physically overpowered, touched in ways I didn't want to be, had my protests ignored, and made to feel helpless by a parent" has a much different ring to it.

I was also shamed/guilted into having very, very lax physical boundaries. My mother could touch or grab me wherever and whenever she wanted. I was never sexually abused, never, so it has taken me a long time to recognize the situation as traumatizing. My mom jokes that when I started picking my own clothes, I always dressed like a prude, I never wanted even an inch of skin uncovered on my legs or waist and I would make sure to find the right clothes to achieve that. Leggings, all socks, oversized shirts, layers. As soon as I learned I was allowed to wear jeans I started to do so, and to this day Denim feels like armor to me. She's mentioned it's a texture she doesn't like. I wonder if that's related. I wonder if I was always subconsciously (maybe even consciously, I don't remember much of my childhood and I mostly have emotional amnesia about the parts I do remember- as if it was someone else's life I'm remembering) shielding myself from unwanted touches.

[equationsoff]

edward has felt empty since waking up. his memories scooped out of him almost surgically and his father having to fill in the blanks. but the patchwork of supposed memories felt wrong. felt unlike anything he would do. but the boy has just assumed that is a normal reaction to traumatic amnesia. it had to be. there is no other reason it could be.

ben understood. edward could see it in his eyes. the feeling of being a single point trying to quantify a world he didn't know. " i'm sorry to hear that. i hope you are able to reclaim what you lost. " he wanted his memories back. more than anything. something burned inside his chest at their loss. a grief for a life he couldn't possibly know. " without hesitation. i want to know who i was. what i liked. what my goals were. presently i only have limited information to work with. "

edward laughs. " are you sure you're not just describing my dad? i guess they can all suck at the whole parenting thing. can't fault him too much, though. he is one of the most important people in the world. taking care of his kid is asking a bit much. " is that a sarcastic bite at the end of his words? it is indeed!

so much has evolved and changed since hargreeves became a household name. so many scientific breakthroughs leading to further breakthroughs. the world seven years ago a distant memory to the world of today. " some of the current theories are ripe for disproving. like the theory of time dilation. the idea that travelling through time would not require consideration for the body's physical age. it's idiotic. without calculating for the physical form that is moving through time it would be either de-aged or further aged based on whether the body goes back or forth in time. i'm hoping to publish my theories once i can get my head on straight. "

edward had been having the medication since he woke up. a small pill with the hargreeves insignia engraved into it. it had no real taste but it did act quickly. already he can feel the calming of the pounding behind his eyes and the relaxing of his shoulders. he'd just have to get checked by dr. pogo when he got back and possibly another brain scan. just to be safe.

he leans in as well to catch the words. while being the son of reginald hargreeves got him a lot he'd rather not lose his access to the library. " it's possible. trauma responses present in many different forms. though, it would be my subconscious as opposed to my conscious then that wouldn't want me to remember. or, if we're getting into conspiracy theories then some third party brainwashing me. " he laughs at the absurdity of it.

" i am in a way. father calls be stubborn and egotistical. but i find it easy to talk to you. as if i've done it before. " he thinks that ben would have mentioned if he had. probably some deja vu or something. " since father announced i'd woken up i've had some weird people trying to talk to me or get to me. glad to see you're not one of the crazies. "

A blank slate, huh? Feels like I'm about to get a 'bingo' moment any second now. As the clues added up, Ben was getting closer to an answer faster than he thought. He had to give Five credit for being quite the open chatterbox in this state; still leagues better than their own old man who didn't bother to get too personal with his own children. Hell, hardly a "good night" was shared between them.

Ben gave a nod. "You can say I'm a blank slate now, too. I... lost a lot, and I lost a part of me. And now, for some reason, I have the chance to get some of it back." He was the member of the family who liked going to missions the least. He didn't have the heart of a "hero" that some of his siblings had. So, if being in this timeline was in exchange of his powers, it wasn't the end of the world. (Or his world, in particular.) "If... If there's a chance you could get your memories back, will you take the chance?" A pause. "Hypothetically, of course."

He let out a sigh, eyes rolling. Why am I not surprised that Dad's still himself in every timeline? I thought we'd get a better version this time. "Had a dad like that, too. Actually, your father reminds me a lot of my own. Impersonal, strict, no-nonsense, snobbish..." Realizing that he himself might have gotten too personal, he leaned back against his seat, subconsciously folding his arms against his chest.

The perfect opportunity to change topics came at the mention of science once again. "We owe a lot to Science. The people behind the many branches and sub-branches... It's like a Great Tree that never stops growing branches and leaves. And we benefit off of its fruits. Like, even if it's not today, maybe even time travel will be quite possible. Who knows? Maybe we'll get lucky and it'll happen in our lifetime. Or timeline. Whichever."

Ben didn't bother glancing at the guard who gave Five the pills. Instead, he was curious about the kind of medicine being given to him. The sight looked all too familiar and nerve-racking- First being Viktor, and now, Five. He did his best to fight off the urge to slap the bottle away from the other's hands. For all he knew, it did serve to help with the headaches. (But knowing Reginald? Having genuine concern over a child was bullshit.)

He raised his eyebrows. Oh. Bingo already? Again, he leaned forward to say what he had in mind, respecting the library's rules, but more as a ruse to get his point across. "Call me insane, but think of it this way: What if part of you does want to remember, but something isn't letting you? Your brain isn't protecting you, but rather, is fighting against you? A literal internal battle, if you will."

A warm smile formed in Ben's lips. In this regard, he was happy that even without the memories, the other enjoyed the conversation. Obviously, it would be a lot more different if they saw each other, with complete memories in tact. Powers not included (and needed). "To be honest, I was pretty nervous to make the first move. But turns out you're easy to talk to. I'm relieved that you're not one of those stereotypical rich kids. I'm... I'm glad we can talk each other like this. Really." As expected, he couldn't help but let some of his true feelings still shine through.

[youmakemyhearthowl]

Part two to this

Steve was sort of beside himself, his heart a little bit broken.

All he had wanted to do was bring to Eddie’s attention how Lucas was feeling. How he understood Eddie was a passionate person about the things he liked and disliked but it wasn’t really a fair way to treat the kids and it had come out so wrong Eddie had basically called him an asshole before storming off.

Steve was so sick of being stupid. Never able to get his words out right, or struggling to even find the right words half the time. He’d even practiced on the way over to Eddie’s. Saying and resaying what he wanted to tell him so that it would come out clearly. And then Eddie had been so sweet to him all day, and Steve was way to distracted by the crop top he was in that everything he’d rehearsed went right out of his brain like everything else did.

And Eddie was mad at him.

He’d been trying so hard to befriend Eddie too. Wanting to show him he was different then he used to be. That he was good now, kind. He wanted Eddie to see him. And he’d been so scared of that thought at first. He knew what bisexuality was, was pretty sure that label for him fit like a coat, but Eddie was the first guy that had actually truly caught his eye and he was trying his hardest to be good enough for him.

Steve had been mad at Eddie too. When he first heard how he’d treated Lucas. But then he’d talked it out with Robin, because he didn’t want to go into this situation with his protective rage right away. Had wanted to make sure this conversation went well. So they’d talked it out, and he spent hours with his best friend making sure he knew as best he could where Eddie might have been coming from in his action.

Robin having been an outcast herself had also been mad at Eddie but was a wonderful perspective on why he might have acted that way towards the kid. How Eddie had been a target so often, especially from the basketball team, that it made sense he had a lot of hate towards them, and would maybe even subconsciously take it out on Lucas.

They were both in agreement that Eddie probably hadn’t meant to hurt Lucas in any way.

Eddie was too kind and good to have intentionally made anyone feel isolated.

But Steve was a fucking idiot and could never say things right, so he of course, had fucked it up.

He just really wanted Eddie to like him and the guy made him nervous. It was extra hard to find the words around him on a good day. But them being alone, just the two of them. He should have known he’d fuck it up. Like he always does.

“Steve? Come on man, your cars in the driveway! I know you’re home, can we talk? Please?” Eddie’s voice rings out around the empty house, pulling Steve from his spiral and jump starting his feet towards the front door.

“Uh yea hey man what’s up?” Steve plasters that fake smile on his face he’s mastered over the years. His stomach in knots, as he flings the front door open and meets Eddie’s gaze.

“Thank fuck. Look man we need to talk.” Eddie barrels past him into the house, making a beeline to Steve’s living room and throwing himself onto the couch.

“Yea uh, make yourself at home or whatever.” Steve mumbles, following behind him and sitting on the armchair across from Eddie, whose leg is bouncing like crazy, his eyes refusing to meet Steve’s.

“Steve, I’m so sorry.” The words startle Steve. His body flinching on instinct with the assumption he was going to be yelled at again

“Oh uh, what for?” Jesus Steve how many times are you gonna say uh in this conversation huh? Get it together.

“I was completely unfair to you yesterday. I got defensive and didn’t even let you speak and that was not cool of me. I just got so caught up on waiting for the other shoe to drop with you, I couldn’t believe you were this nice guy, this like.. unbelievably kind person I guess i had been on edge. Waiting for you to prove my old assumptions about you were correct. And that was not fair to you, at all” Eddie talks with his hand, gesturing around the room and enunciating words with certain gestures.

“I’m so sorry for who I used to be.” Is what Steve settled on saying back. He’s not really sure why Eddie is apologizing when Steve has been the asshole that had hurt him yesterday. “And I’m sorry for being a dick to you yesterday, that wasn’t my intention. I just… sometimes I have trouble finding the right words, and I get extra jumbled around you and nothing came out right” Eddie’s eyes are getting wider the more Steve talks, his head shaking slightly.

“Steve, Steve no, man listen. You didn’t do anything wrong yesterday. That’s why I wanted to apologize. You were looking out for one of your kids and were trying so hard to be nice about it and I’m the one that overreacted. I think sometimes I get so stuck on certain ideas that I get caught up in them and just assume that’s what’s happening. And I know you always, always think long and hard about what you want to say before you say it and it still gets a little jumbled and I should have been more patient with you. You did nothing wrong.” He puts a large emphasis on that last sentence, coming over to kneel in front of Steve and taking his hands. “I am so sorry I treated you the way I treated you. You don’t deserve that, and there’s nothing wrong with having to work through what you want to say before you say it. I’m also really sorry for how I treated Lucas back then. I’ve already gone and apologized to him because you were right. Of course you were right, you’re so smart Stevie, and you’re right more than anyone admits to you and I want to make sure I told you that. And I’m so sorry.”

“Okay okay” Steve let’s out a huffed laugh, “Stop apologizing Ed’s, I’m not mad at you.”

“You have every right to be mad at me.”

“No, no cause I get it you know? Like.. uh fuck..” Steve trails off, shaking his head slightly in hopes his sentences can form better, Eddie just kneels there in front of him waiting patiently. “Me and Robin like,” he waves his hand around. “We talked about it, what it’s like to be a targeted outcast in highschool. Cause I wanted to understand where you come from in your like reactions to things, so I get it. I’m not mad” Eddie’s face breaks out into a soft smile, dimples on full display as Steve stares at him and hopes what he said made sense.

“You’re an astonishing person Steve Harrington.” Is what he says back, squeezing Steve’s hands gently. Steve can feel his entire face heat up at the complement. His eyes falling briefly to Eddie’s lips before finding his eyes again.

“M’ nothing special Eddie.” He responds, finally casting his gaze down to their entwined hands.

“That is where you are so, so wrong sweetheart. No one does that you know? Tries to get into someone else’s head to see where they were coming from so that they can go into a situation with that person and have an open and honest conversation. People don’t do that, and you did it without second thought because what? You were mad about how I treated someone you loved, but you wanted to understand -me- better because.. what? You thought I was a good person or something? That’s like an insanely kind thing to do Steve.”

“You are a good person Eddie. There’s always reasons why you do things the way you do, and well I didn’t like being mad at you.”

“You didn’t?” Eddie smirks.

“Not even a little bit.”

“I didn’t like being mad at you either, even though I was wrong in being mad at you.”

“You always have a reason for why you do something.” Steve says again, squeezing Eddie’s hands that are still connected to his. Eddie’s eyes dart down to Steve’s lips and he smiles slightly.

“I really want to kiss you right now.”

“Okay” Steve whispers, meeting Eddie half way, their lips connecting softly. Eddie kinda moans in an over exaggerated way and pulls back, hand coming up to cradle Steve’s face.

“I promise I’ll try to be more patient in the future if you’ll have me.” He whispers, his breath coasting across Steve’s face. Steve knows his answering smile is lopsided and goofy.

“I think you’re stuck with me now, Munson.” Steve leans forward and kisses the answering smile off Eddie’s face.

[captainshadowgirllostfan]

I don't want to be that person...but after rewatching the episode where Penny quits acting after that horrible Gorilla movie she was doing and then proposing to Leonard...I kinda think she's kidding herself in thinking she gave her all...at least she tried but I always thought that with Leonard, she was kinda dragging it especially when she couldn't figure out the wedding date and everything. I always felt that proposal was her trying to tie up and keep the one thing she felt was good in her life and in her mind it was Leonard especially with how long she's been with him and comparing him to her other more dumb boyfriends.

Could she do better? Yeah I definitely think so but we'll Penny has extremely low self-esteem surprisingly for a girl confident in her looks and stuff, it's probably why she stayed with Leonard, because he made her feel good about herself...in a way she understood and that was only in her looks... oh wow I don't want to make Penny sound bad...like I get all her decisions and I understand her relationship with Leonard is horrible but a lot of Shenny writers seem to blame the entire toxic thing on Leonard when it's actually both ways. These two bring the worst out of each other...

And I actually think Penny is aware enough for it with how she drinks, constantly feels guilty about how she treats Leonard, which he later emotionally manipulates her for that troll. (Derogatory), and how she drags their relationship like she is just forcing herself to like/love Leonard but really doesn't and idk who the writers are fooling with this idea that she has commitment problems when all her relationships end with a guy having an affair behind her back or treating her as a body for sex...perhaps subconsciously after all that abuse, she still recognize that Leonard is the same but her mind also doesn't comprehend because Leonard doesn't look like her previous exes so she probably tries to tell herself that it's just in her head and that Leonard is "different".