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popwasabi · 4 years ago

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Why I don’t give a fuck about canon

Recently, after randomly coming across some dope pictures of Transformer toys on Instagram that gave me a strong case of nostalgia, I was inspired to revisit an old childhood favorite in “Beast Wars.”

“Beast Wars,” in case you never watched or heard of it as a kid, is the continuation of the Transformer’s story set in the future as descendants of the Auotobots and Decepticons, the Maximals and Predacons, respectively, accidentally travel to prehistoric Earth to continue a centuries long battle between the two opposing factions.

There’s a lot of to digest there, so I’m not going to go into extreme detail over the plot, but the cast features colorful characters such as Optimus Primal, Cheetor, Rattrap, Dinobot and Megatron to name a few. They all have interesting and distinct personalities and generally play well off each other. It was a big part of my childhood and I collected an ungodly amount of their toys back in the day.

(This was my first ever Beast Wars toy and I think it’s beautiful.)

My rewatch though was…a mixed bag to say the least. The graphics have not aged well. The adventure of the week setup of the plot was repetitive and lacked real character development at times. There were characters that were added in last minute to the show clearly to promote a new action figure over the story on numerous occasions. Though I found the humor to still be pretty good, the action was stale and just lacked high stakes most of the time, save for a few episodes.

I was not shocked it didn’t land terribly well on my rewatch but you know what did? “Beast Machines!”

“Beast Machines” was the follow-up to Beast Wars that had the Maximals fighting on Cybertron where Megatron has taken control of the whole planet using a virus that changes Transformers into mindless drones to do his bidding. The remaining Maximals manage to survive however after Optimus discovers The Oracle which reformats them into animal robot hybrids that are both mechanical and biological. This sets them on a quest to stop Megatron and bring biological and mechanical balance to Cybertron once and for all.

The series is much more narrative based than the previous as it follows a steady trajectory to its epic conclusion. The animation is much sharper, and the soundtrack is fun as hell to listen to still. The pacing is much faster as the stakes couldn’t be higher for the Maximals and all the old characters from the previous grow in interesting ways and develop into more organic people (literally in some ways). Optimus is a more hardcore and emotionally damaged leader and Megatron goes from being something of a punchline in the previous series to a far more menacing and calculating nemesis. The story touches on themes of balance, authoritarianism, PTSD, love and reunion to name a few and for a kids’ show it is, dare I say…more than meets the eye.

I absolutely loved it as a kid and I might actually love it even more as an adult, so it was shocking for me, to say the least, when I read further into the history of the show, that a lot of fans straight up rejected it back in the day.

Common complaints I came across were they didn’t like how characters, such as Ratrap especially, “changed.” They didn’t like the new bio/mechanical Maximals and couldn’t believe that Cybertron was once an organic world.

Their big reason (in just about every forum and video I saw about it)? It didn’t adhere to “canon.”

Now, I’ll start this by saying there is no objective way to critique or even not critique a story. People can like or hate something for a variety of reasons that don’t follow a strict logical pattern. Gods know I have a few questionable/divisive favorites in my catalogue that I have written about here that are based on abstract ideas and personal experiences.

(The Matrix Reloaded is still great btw)

But I will say, if you judge a mega franchise’s latest entry on how well it is supported by established canon it is, in my opinion, a flawed way to critique a work of fiction.

Canon, sometimes referred to as “lore” by fans, is most often applied and used to describe the long running back stories of franchises that stretch beyond just the main books, movies or series, or even the original narrative of the plot. Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, and to a certain extent Harry Potter, all fall into this camp of series with so many interconnected parts, with more than one main character featured in each, that fans follow along this canon like ancient monks studying scripture and history books.

And they can be just as fanatical and over zealous about it.

(I wish they were more fanatical about proper hygiene or at least deodorant...)

My problem with the ways fans often view canon is that their conceptions of what a new story should be is based entirely on the past rather than what is happening right now with the story and what themes the writer is trying express with it this time.

They base their impressions of the story on external continuity more than the internal continuity.

Yea, the changes in a series like “Beast Machines” are jarring to say the least. Cybertron was formally an organic world like Earth? Rattrap doesn’t have confidence in himself and actually at one point sells out his comrades? Transformers can be biological now? It’s a lot to take in but when watching the story play out it’s not like these elements aren’t explained through the text of the new story.

Cybertron lost balance between its robot inhabitants and its biological life forms and its why it’s out of balance now, and Megatron is the logical progression of that inbalance. Rattrap is struggling to understand his new form, half his friends on the Maximals have been turned into drones, and the remaining team out loud say they don’t have confidence in him. He has PTSD from both the events of this story and the Beast Wars and feels insecure because of how others view him and that’s perfectly logical to not just the story but also the canon. If a fan is willing to give a story a chance they will see that the canon hasn’t actually been destroyed in much of any way and the logical progression is actually there if they simply listen to what’s going on.

(Seriously, it’s not that deep.)

Fans need to stop confusing a character achieving a franchise long arc with being “suddenly different.” In this way, criticisms of canon in new entries in long running series reveal that fans really just lack imagination to connect the dots. It would be like complaining that Luke Skywalker can’t become paranoid and make a grave mistake in judgment because people never change, nevermind the character already has changed a lot from his origins in “A New Hope” to where he was in “Return of the Jedi.”

(Oh wait, people did do that…)

But that’s not to say you have to like the new direction either. You can understand these changes and still be like “well, it’s not for me. I don’t care for a PSTD angle or a new origin for Cybertron,” but that’s whole lot different than saying the new series “rapes your childhood” or “Bastardizes the canon.” All the old canon you hold nostalgia for still exists. My love for “Beast Machines” is not harmed by the existence of newer Transformers properties that don’t meet what I look for in the series.

Too often, fans take changes to established “lore” very personally because it doesn’t fit their expectations or have the same nostalgic feelings they had before. When new entries in mega franchises occur fans often try to judge it by how much it is like what they watched before, rather what makes it different and what it is saying now. Again, you don’t have to like new directions in tone or character but consistency to established work DOES NOT equal good storytelling.

I have not been immune to this myself in the past, of course. Back in the day I wrote a 2500-plus word diatribe on “The Amazing Spider-man 2” that mostly went after how it changed the character I grew up with in a bad way and butchered the established back story I knew him by.

You know what other story doesn’t follow canon very well though? “Spider-man: Homecoming.”

(Now, hear me out...)

Spider-man in the MCU is generally agreed upon to be a good thing by fans. Both movies were big hits both critically and financially and fans often go as far as to say Tom Holland is the “definitive” Peter Parker.

But Holland’s Spider-man differs quite a bit from the comic-book webslinger. This Spider-man does not have a spidey sense. His best friend is not Harry Osbourne but in fact a retcon of a Mile Morales character. His father figure is Tony Stark, something that never happened in the comics, instead of Uncle Ben, which no matter what way you spin it is arguably his most important relationship in the series.

His character is a reverse of traditional Peter Parker too. Where comics Peter is a reluctant hero, who if anything hates being Spider-man and the burden of his responsibility, “Homecoming” Spider-man actively seeks out responsibility and in many ways enjoys his role as the famous webslinger. In fact, his whole arc is about him earning a spot as an Avenger. He wants to be THE hero and be worthy of it. It’s completely different from what we know of Spider-man.

(He just wants Tony sempai to notice him uWu)

Now I know some fans actually do complain about this Spidey from a “canon” standpoint, but most don’t. So why did this Spider-man get a pass for many but not “The Amazing” one? Quite simply it’s because stories, as cheesy as it sounds, are about feelings and stories like “Homecoming” tell a good story that effectively make those feelings connect with the audience.

We root for this Peter Parker and his journey to becoming an Avenger and successor to Iron Man because the story is told well, the emotions feel earned, and frankly both films are fun and enjoyable.

It’s easy to complain about canon for many nerds because it’s something tangible that they can point to and make a big stink about when they don’t understand why a movie isn’t reaching them. I don’t doubt that many neckbeards genuinely hate a film like “The Last Jedi” (Hell, I’m not a big fan myself) but when those same nerds enjoy something like “The Mandalorian,” a series that has its own loose relationship with canon and establishing new rules in the series, it tells me it’s not about the “lore” to them.

(Easy, fanboys...)

I have come to understand, in my growth as a nerd, that my problems with a lot of movies and TV shows in my favorite series rarely, if ever, have anything to do with the story not meeting some arbitrary guidelines regarding canon. It has more to with the story simply not connecting with me emotionally. The story isn’t drawing me in and keeping me on its narrative path. I’m not feeling the same magic that someone else might feel enjoying it because either a) it doesn’t feel earned to me or b) it just stylistically isn’t for me.

To paraphrase a line from another mega franchise, also owned by Disney, the canon is more like guidelines than actual rules.

(Didn’t expect to see ol’ Barbosa in this write up, did ye?)

It can show you where a story comes from but it isn’t law that you strictly adhere to it. Of course, when writing a new work in a popular series you should consider what came before it but I would like writer’s the freedom to try something new and most importantly fans to be open to it. You don’t have to like it but the idea that new entries in a story MUST remain strict to the canon is bull shit. Not even the original Star Wars trilogy adhered to its own canon perfectly, as clearly the writers were in fact making it up to a certain extent as they were going along.

(hmmmm...)

And that’s ok, because some of those changes were great! Made the story better and made the conclusion stronger.

Again, you don’t have to like every new entry that tries something bold or confrontational in your favorite franchise but if writers strictly followed canon to the T we wouldn’t have things like “Homecoming,” we wouldn’t have “The Mandalorian,” and we certainly wouldn’t have my favorite Transformers series “Beast Machines.”

Canon shouldn’t be a trap for writers and it shouldn’t be a litmus test for fans digesting it. There are so many better ways to judge a story than whether or not it fits neatly into established lore. A good story is a good story, regardless of whether or not it’s supported by something as static as canon.

“Beast Machines” has its flaws here and there, but canon isn’t one of them, at least not for me. Again, if you feel that the lore is important, that’s fine, you don’t have to ignore it but I would ask you to look beyond what came before when critiquing a new story.

Otherwise, you might miss something special that comes next…

Now then...

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clumsyclifford · 4 years ago

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official song prompt request for 18 for malum sad eyes emoji

excellent idea anon also i know that this is a really old request but i never FORGOT so here you are hope it’s not too late sorry bout the delay

“Remember Ms. Thompson?”

Michael glances over at Calum, but Calum’s looking at the ceiling. “Uh, vaguely,” he says. “What was that, year…nine? Eight?”

“Something like that,” Calum says. “Doesn’t that feel like forever ago?”

“Why are you thinking about Ms. Thompson? Missing English class?” Michael teases. He shifts closer to Calum on the bed and leans his head onto Calum’s shoulder, and Calum, as if unconsciously, adjusts his posture to accommodate Michael, lifting one arm to drape it over Michael’s shoulders. They fit so well, Michael thinks; Calum’s arms seem made to hold Michael, his shoulder sculpted to be most comfortable for Michael to rest his head.

In front of them, on Michael’s laptop, season five of Black Mirror continues to play. They’re not too far into this episode — Michael’s pretty sure it’s the last of the series — and Miley Cyrus has just showed up, but it sounds like he and Calum are heading towards a conversation, so Michael pauses it.

“Just thinkin’,” Calum says. “Musing. You know.”

“Well, don’t hurt yourself.”

Calum elbows him. “You never think about school?”

Michael shrugs. “Not much to think about, is there? It’s not like I made incredible memories there or anything.”

Calum frowns and turns to him. “We met in school.”

“Obviously other than that,” Michael says, rolling his eyes. “What’s with the nostalgia?”

“I liked you better when you were younger,” Calum says, scowling. “You were less of a dick.”

“That’s so not true. I was way more of a dick.”

Calum chuckles. “Okay. You were. But so was I.”

“It’s almost like we’ve grown and matured or something,” Michael says, faux-gasping. “Mad, I know.”

“I loved you so much,” Calum says, apropos of nothing, more of a sigh than a sentence. Michael bites his lip. “I mean, I love you so much now. I love you more. Every day I love you more, but.” He laughs a bit. “I can’t believe how much I loved you then.”

“Yeah,” Michael murmurs. “Me too.” He really can’t believe it, because thinking back on it, there hadn’t ever been a time when he hadn’t loved Calum, when he hadn’t been so head-over-heels in love with Calum. He’d previously thought it impossible to expand upon something infinite, and yet ever since meeting Calum he’s been doing it; no matter how much space Calum fills in Michael’s heart, every day he takes up more.

“Really?” Calum says, surprising Michael.

“What do you mean, really?”

“You loved me? When we were, like, eighteen?”

Michael frowns. “Of course I did.”

“I mean, you know what I mean. You were in love with me.”

“Yes,” Michael says slowly. “Is that a surprise?”

“Yes.” Calum reaches with his right hand for Michael’s left, linking their fingers where they rest on Calum’s thigh. “I thought it was more recent.”

“Seriously?”

“I don’t know, I mean, not that recent, I just didn’t realize we felt the same thing at the same time.” Calum snorts. “We should’ve gotten our shit together sooner.”

They certainly had taken their time. But, Michael thinks, it’s not really as if they missed out on much. Sure, the kissing and the love confessions, but apart from that, he and Calum had always been together in every way that mattered. They’d snuck out at night to go and sit on the swings of the nearby playground and talk about lives they never anticipated living, or lie in the mulch and watch the way the clouds would conceal the constellations, trading secrets like currency, as if enough of them might buy them a ticket out of town — just the two of them against the world. They’d spent lazy post-sleepover mornings of December having tea on the couch, watching Christmas movies and imagining that one day they’d be in the foreign, distant lands of America, where Christmas meant snow, sweaters and hats and scarves, Calum jokingly promising that if Michael’s hands got cold he could always hold Calum’s. They’d gotten drunk on rainy Saturday evenings and spent hours just wandering the neighborhood, leaning heavily against each other not because they were worried about falling down but because — because Calum had always been the center of Michael’s world, and with all his inhibitions gone, Michael had always gravitated towards Calum, and he couldn’t see a single reason not to succumb to the pull.

“Well, we’ve got our shit together now,” Michael says, sitting up and turning to Calum. There’s an easy smile on Calum’s lips, corners of his mouth turned upward. Once again Michael challenges the impossible. Sitting here, looking at Calum, he’s never been more in love than he is right now. “Give us a little credit. We didn’t take too long.”

Calum hums, bringing both hands up to Michael’s face, palms pressed to his cheeks. He rests his forehead against Michael’s. “I just feel like we lost so much time. So much time we could have spent kissing.” He giggles. “I’m going to spend my whole life trying to catch up.”

Michael’s breath catches at that, the suggestion that this is going to last their whole life, that Calum will be the bookends to Michael’s adulthood, from his first legal drink to his last words. “I hope you do,” he says quietly, feeling the heat of his exhale where it reflects off Calum’s face. “That sounds like a dream to me.”

“So do I,” Calum murmurs. “God, I’m lucky.”

Michael smoothes his palms over Calum’s waist and links his fingers together against the small of his back. “Not as lucky as me,” he says. He opens his mouth to add that he loves Calum, a broken record because when it comes to Calum everything he’s ever said has all just been code for I love you, but Calum presses forward and kisses him instead, so Michael swallows it down and returns the kiss, the taste of Calum settling itself familiarly on Michael’s tongue.

He’s probably kissed other people, sure that at some point before he and Calum worked it out there must have been other people — Calum hadn’t been his first kiss, after all — but he can’t remember them. Calum’s the only one who matters, the only person Michael’s ever bothered to map out with his hands, the only kiss Michael’s cared to come back to.

Maybe what Michael calls love, other people would call tunnel vision, but Michael feels entitled either way. He’ll always give as good as he gets, and Calum loves Michael so hard that Michael has no choice but to do the same. He feels certain that nobody in the world has ever been the object of Calum’s affections the way he is, and nobody else could get it, that when Calum loves he throws his whole self into it. It’s not just that Michael feels obliged to return it; he wants to, to absorb the adoration and reflect it back at Calum like a mirror.

When Calum pulls away he hovers close, still holding Michael’s face. “I love you,” he breathes, beating Michael to it.

“I know,” Michael says, not to be funny. He really does know. It’s in their pulses, the three beating syllables that keep them alive, and when Michael presses a hand to Calum’s heart he can feel it under his palm, I-love-you-I-love-you-I-love-you. Michael’s heart beats only love for Calum, and he knows that Calum’s does the same. Still, it bears repeating. “I love you too.”

“I know,” Calum says, with that easy smile. “I’ve loved you since forever.”

“You can’t have.” (Except Michael has.)

“Since we met.”

“Can’t have then, either. We didn’t know what love was until we were, like, eighteen. We were kids. Kids don’t know about love.”

Calum shakes his head. Michael’s teasing, but Calum is letting him. “Since we were eighteen, then. I’ve loved you my entire adult life, and I’ll love you for the rest of it.”

“That’s more like it,” Michael says, with a matching smile. “And every day I love you more.”

“Enough,” Calum says. “Too much talking, not enough kissing.”

Michael breathes a laugh and bridges the gap between them. The kiss just means what they’d been saying, anyway, but Michael’s happy to tell Calum like this, or any way he can.

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icanbehardcore · 4 years ago

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Top 10 WORST Powerpuff Girls Episodes

For a long time, I have been wanting to make a project resembling a countdown list, being inspired by the likes of @umbramagna777, @phantomstrider and even the Nostalgia Critic. After some considerate years, I have finally decided to make a list based on my all time favorite show The Powerpuff Girls.

Cartoon Network's breakaway hit of the late 90s and early to mid 00s starring three adorable, precocious little kindergartners with superpowers was a cultural phenomenon. Spawning hundreds and thousands of merchandise, a theatrical film, several TV specials, an anime and a reboot, it's unbelievable that a cartoon with an all female lead would become an icon in the cartoon industry.

Created by Craig McCracken fresh off two pilots in the "What A Cartoon" shorts and evolving from the earliest incarnation "Whoopass Stew", The Powerpuff Girls became the highest rated cartoon debut at the time. Critics praised this show for being so unique, entertaining, epic, action packed and nothing like anything else at the time, but most of all, this show was very, very funny.

But that doesn't mean this show gets all the glory and praise 100% per episode, like every television show, there will always be flaws and bad episodes and, the Powerpuff Girls is no exception when it comes to rotten entries in the line-up.

Whether you like these episodes or not, remember to respect each other's opinions, including mine. If you like these episodes, that's great, you're more than welcome to have your say, but be nice.

I am only counting down episodes from the ORIGINAL series, this won't include the movie, the anime, the Dance Pansted special, The tenth anniversary special, the christmas special or especially the reboot.

Mixing either of these up would be one big mess and would derail my points of view. With that being said, let's begin.

NOTE: Spoiler alert ahead.

10. Keen on Keane This episode was a new era for the original show, it had a new art style which was first introduced in the movie. So if you hadn't seen it, you would have had to get use to this new art style before getting puzzled or confused.

Unfortunately, these episodes were somewhat mediocre and after 2002, show creator Craig McCracken left the show to Chris Savino, so he could work on Foster's Home for Imaginery Friends. Usually when this happens, that's a sign of a show losing it's...err...Mojo. No pun intended. For a first of this newly animated version of the show, this episode is just ...well...sappy.

So what's the story: It's Valentines Day...oh boy, what a way to start the new era of an already great show. I am NOT a fan of this holiday whether I'm taken or not. I prefer to keep romance and affection personal.

While receiving various little Valentines from her beloved students, Ms. Keane gets the one simple innocent question asked by the girls: "Where are you going out tonight?" and "Who's your sweetheart?" (don't you just love precocious little questions coming from kindergartners). Ms. Keane explains to the girls that she doesn't have time for going out on dates and is too busy for that sort of thing, this leaves the girls slightly worried, knowing she may be lonely and in need of a significant other half.

Later that evening, the girls are all at dinner with the Professor whose attention prompts the innocent, curious little question from an inquisitive Blossom "Why aren't you going out, tonight?".

Personally, if he WAS going out, he may need to hire a babysitter for the girls and knowing the Professor, he may end up calling someone but being delayed or on hold due to everybody with their arms round each other, making googoo eyes and lip wrestling all evening as they bask into their romance.

Anyway, the Professor tells the girls that HE doesn't have time for dates or going out, nor does he have a sweetheart...(hope he hasn't forgotten the events a long time ago when meeting Ima Goodlady who turned out to be using him and was revealed to be Sedusa).

On hearing this, the girls trade rather sly and calculating looks to each other, a plan has hit them. If their father isn't going out and doesn't have a sweetheart and Ms Keane doesn't have a sweetheart, why not get them together for date?

At Ms. Keane's place, she is busy grading homework. On hearing the doorbell ring, she goes to answer the door only to recieve a love letter from a secret admirer and a rose. Oh bittersweet cliches...

Round the same time, the Professor too recieves an identical love letter from a secret admirer (by the way, I do love how he recieves a red rose and Ms Keane recieves a pink rose). The two admirers meet at "Petes-A Pizza", an obvious parody to Chuck E Cheese, you can just feel how out of place these two are.

Not to hurt each others feelings, the two adults try to strike a conversation, but seem to show no interest in each other, all they can do is slap on a plastic smile each.

As they try to communicate and interact more and order, Ms. Keane suddenly forces a hearty little smile, stunning and questioning the Professor. As she tells him to look behind him, he sees that his own daughters are hiding in the large ball tank, this catches on as both Ms Keane and Professor Utonium have realized that they had been set up.

Unfortunately, the evening was unsuccessful and the Professor offers his date a ride home with three dejected little girls in the back. Their high hopes sunk to the bottom, gone down like a ship, but the Professor tells them if they did end up going out, then he wouldn't have enough time to spend with his own daughters. As he walks her to her door, Ms. Keane trips on a crack, the Professor immediately dashes forward to catch her. After bewilderment and indecision on what to do next, Ms Keane and the Professor's hearts become intertwine. As they stand up straight, they both share a nervous laugh while blushing (by the way, I find this scene amazingly cute, I mean...the Professor here is just...OMG, how can you not just want to reach out and dive into his arms...ahem...). Finally, they hold hands and are somehow...in love. Also note this is the only time in the episode where they see each other face to face. Feeling accomplished, the girls smile knowing that their mission is complete . The following morning, the girls notice that not everything is all hunky-dory! Now having a significant other half, the Professor neglects his family duties and lab work and Ms Keane neglecting her school duties and even forgetting to feed her cat. Why? Because the two most important role models in the girls' lives are now sickeningly sweethearts talking to each other endlessly on the phone together, complete with EVERY single sentence ending with a mushy pet name. And you know what? It's really degrading! Also that phonebill must be really expensive by now,

Because of the neglection, the girls don't know what crimes are being caused....seriously, not even watching the news? Also, doesn't Ms Bellum have a light for a signal? Why couldn't she just set that up in the sky for them?

But no! Instead, Sara Bellum gets kidnapped while the conversation continues until the Mayor sneezes, causing the couple to realize that they were holding up phoneline and neglecting their duties, including feeding the cat. This upsets the Professor and complains about the past event where a cat made him jump off a building which somehow, Ms Keane doesn't believe and causes them both to suddenly break up. Hmm...like every other couple today right? Okay that was bad.

Overall, this was a weak episode with no crime fighting at all and for a new start of upgraded animation, this was pretty bad. Especially being a Valentines themed episode.

9. City of Clipsville I ought to let you know that seasons five and six sucked. Big time and this episode is no exception. I am not much of a fan of clip shows and this one was really weak, lame and the repetitive dialogue is as entertaining as a stale book made for toddlers. "Remember when Mojo Jojo turned us into dogs?"...umm...yeah? There's like two episodes with pretty much the same chunks of animation of it and it doesn't help that they referenced BOTH episodes! Also, did we really want to be reminded of some of the more mediocre episodes?

Mind you, most of these little trips down memory lane never happened. These include The Professor marrying Ms Bellum...for some reason, the girls losing their superpowers without realizing until they fall off a building...the Professor turning the girls AND all of Townsville's citizens into helpless infants...(no, seriously...make way for cliche'd moments whenever a baby is in a cartoon, which I'll get to later), complete with Blossom spitting up over the Professor's shoulder.

BUT the most most shameful fan-service cringe-worthy moment would have to be a quote on quote flashback of when the girls sped up time and became teenagers. Oh my god! Just...yeah. Complete with their midriff showing, slender figures, skinny jeans and stereotypical valley girl accents and mannerisms such as blowing bubble gum talking on their cellphones and ...discovering boys, teenage boys...in this case, the Rowdyruff Boys.

Yeah...remember when I said that the whole counterpart thing is a drag, well they do it here too. But this time, they are somewhat getting along, yet the girls are ditzier. I do love some of the hidden innuendos snuck in this scene visually and audibly.

Besides this episode being a weak one, I do admit that I like how the girls looked as teenagers, a bit two fan-service material-esque but still cute. I love how Bubbles still kept her pigtails in, but are a little longer, Blossom's red hair still makes me jealous *seriously...) and Buttercup growing out that little bob, it suits her.

Of course, I can't mention this scene without the fact that it was a reference to Craig McCracken's fan mail he was receiving from fans about what would happen if the girls and boys were couples. He hated the idea so he decided to poke fun at this little trope.

Interestingly, there was going to be a scene that never made it, but there were storyboards lying around of the teenage girls becoming popstars...obviously a reference to the likes of Mandy Moore, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera and other teen idols, maybe even the lesser known band that have since broke up, No Secrets.

The episode gets more stupid as everyone somehow ends up in the house until the episode ends which turns out to be filmed in front of a "live audience". Yeah, just...weak.

If you do like this episode, that's great, it does have a few funny moments but I still feel like it's just another cheap bland clip show.

8. Neighbor Hood Good god was this episode lame? The moral was a good one I will admit, but first, the story...Bubbles rushes home from school in time to watch her favorite show: The Wondrous World of Whimsical Willy. Mr. Willy being the host of the show (and an obvious parody of Mr, Rogers) greets his audience warmly, at first, he seems like the typical friendly, harmless, yet unsettling kind of person on a kid's show. He never snaps, he's calm and mellow. But when Daydream Lane loses all of the happiness and joy, Mr Willy asks his audience to hand over all of their cash to him so they don't lose hope.

Being naive and simple, not wanting the show to fall flat with misery, Bubbles somehow breaks into the town hall and takes off with the money in the Mayor's vault and hands it over to Mr Willy and the rest of the crew on set. By the way, the Mayor also donated...yeah, he's a man child. lol

Meanwhile, back at home, after getting a phone call from the Mayor, Buttercup and Blossom notice their sister live on TV with a huge bag of money, thanking Bubbles, Mr Willy and his gang celebrate until Bubbles' sisters barge in telling Mr Willy to literally drop his act.

Sweaty and nervous, Mr Willy finally snaps and reveals his true plan to steal all of the money of Townsville, showing his true colors at last. Bubbles demands an explanation and tells her sisters that Mr. Willy isn't a crook, he just needed the money to help save Daydream Lane. Blossom isn't buying it and tells Bubbles that none of this is real and that the whole set is just canvas painted with scenery and backgrounds and the crew are all crooks in costume.

Now shocked and realizing she had been conned along with the rest of the those who donated, Bubbles loses faith in Mr Willy and the show and even refuses to save his fall. In case you might guess, Mr Willy is arrested and thrown in prison and Bubbles apologizes for her foolish act and also that she shouldn't believe on what she sees on television. In a way, this is a great moral for kids, especially when the main cast are kindergartners, but come on, the girls are more precocious than this, they are better than this. This is basically a weaker version of Film Flam.

This episode is really unsettling for many reasons. Mr Willy asking for donations from little kids, isn't that a little creepy and somewhat makes him a pedophile? But to go as far as flying all the way to the set on your own and revealing the stolen cash is even more risky and dangerous.

I have read something interesting here from the PPG wikia, this episode was based real-life events in a 1965 New Year incident where Soupy Sales, miffed at having to work on the holiday, ended his live broadcast by encouraging his young viewers to tiptoe into their still-sleeping parents' bedrooms and remove those "funny green pieces of paper with pictures of U.S. Presidents" from their pants and pocketbooks. "Put them in an envelope and mail them to me," Soupy instructed the children. "And I'll send you a postcard from Puerto Rico!" He was then hit with a pie. He later admitted that he was joking and that the money would be donated to a charity, but Sales was negatively affected by the incident.

Also I learned that this episode was actually written back in 1999 as a season 2 episode, but was scrapped since the staff feared a lawsuit from PBS, so instead the story was given to DC Comics named Remote Controlled. The story was much better and less mediocre compared to this one. It's such a downfall when a great cartoon runs it's course and episodes that were originally written for the comics suddenly have elements thrown onto the screen and never live up to how they could have been.

There's something else I would like to point out here. I saw this comment on the PPG wikia by a user named Crossoverfan4ever and he pointed out that Bubbles commited a crime and got away with it, and did she get punished? Of course not, because she's, cute, innocent adorable, precious, sweet little Bubbles who can probably get away with murder if she tried.

So...in A Very Special Blossom, Blossom steals a rather valuable set of golf clubs and gets punished for it with 200 hours of community service, yet the Professor asks the cops to go easy on her and she's also sorry (seriously, you can feel her sorrow in her voice and that face just says it all).

In the fan-loathing controversial episode Moral Decay, Buttercup commits a crime by breaking into the local villains homes and steals their teeth for money from the "tooth fairy" after already beating up crooks for committing crimes. Her punishment: Ambushed by her worst enemies as her sisters sadistically watch her get beat up (note that Buttercup is a little girl, so can you imagine the pain inflicted on her?). Going back to Neighbor Hood, yeah, it's bad. One of season five's worst.

7. Crazy Mixed-Up Puffs

Season six was definitely the weakest link in the original show's run, so in a way, it's a breath of fresh air when McCracken and Savino declined a season seven from Cartoon Network (much to the disappointment to the fans).

CMUP just made way for some really weak points in writing and character development and derailment. Whichever one, even my feelings for this are mixed up...or mesed up. Whatever!

In this episode, Mojo Jojo is watching old clips of the past fights and battles he has had with the girls and soon stops for an ice cream break. Unforunately, a little girl is in front of him and he deters her. As Mojo orders his three scoops (which happen to resemble the signature colors of the Powerpuff Girls), the little girl throws her ball at him, causing him to drop the ice cream onto the floor. As it does, Mojo gets an idea.

Mojo then goes home to his lair and creates a dummy of a girl calling for help, attracting attention from the Powerpuff Girls, they fly over to save her and are immediately caught in his trap.

The machine swirls the girls together, fusing them all into one and because of this, the girls find it hard to fly, spin and even keep their own balance, not to mention worsening their arguments every single time. It's really unpleasant to watch.

From here, the girls now have to rely on each other with trust and work as a team to stop Mojo. After finally making their way to Mojo, they defeat him, destroying the fuse machine with a huge blast, but are still stuck together as one.

As they make their way back to the Mayor's office, they get Professor Utonium to try and seperate them. Feeling hopeless, the Professor breaks down into tears knowing that his daughters will never be the same, but they tell him that they don't mind being this close and reassure him that everything is going to be okay. The Mayor finds a thread from their fused dresses and pulls it which somehow...separates the girls restoring them to their glory. I do love when the Professor tells the girls that he loves them all, it's moments like this that always make the show great, it's too bad this episode suffered from mediocicy, unpleasant arguments and...this (Really? After all you've been through, you decide to add this in here?) NOTE: Never let Paul Stec or someone else write a Powerpuff Girls episode storyline which may result into tasteless immature fart jokes...speaking of which...

6. Reeking Havoc Season six...why? Why did you have to go with this crap? An entire episode about flatulence? Really? Okay, well silently but still visually. I for one don't care for this kind of humor, it's immature, lame, not funny, pointless and...just go watch South Park if you're into that stuff (by the way, I'm a huge fan of South Park, freakin' ironic I know! lol).

The Girls have just returned home from enjoying a beautiful sunny day in spring, admiring the fresh air until their noses are suddenly inflicted with the smell of something ...not so fresh, in this case, chili. Yep! Because how else are the writers going to come up with an episode which is ten minutes of fart jokes. Real mature. Not.

It turns out that the girls father Professor Utonium is cooking this...chili for the "2nd Annual Chili Cook-Off" in Townsville. The girls reluctantly try a sample, as expected by them and those watching, it doesn't go down well (we even see a shot of Buttercup losing it in the waste-bin). Worried that he may lose again, Blossom decides that they should tell the Professor, but her sisters object due to the year before, in which the Professor lost and broke down.

Later that night, the Professor still thinks his chili needs something extra...or should that be "x-tra"...with that, he adds a drop of Chemical X into the concoction. Sure, because somehow that works right? Also, maybe adding COFFEE into the chili is the reason it doesn't taste so good. Later on that night, the girls (one by one) also happen to put a drop of Chemical X in the chili.

The following morning during the annual chili contest, the judges (which happen to be Ms Keane, the Mayor and Sara Bellum) are trying out all the dishes that have been made for the event when soon, they try the Professor's chilli causing reactions that they never experienced before. With that, the Professor is declared the winner of the contest and is awarded the trophy and with that, the Mayor hands out free samples of the prize winning chilli.

What then follows is nothing but flatulent puns, visual and audible, one after the other while everyone's guts start growling and all that gas happens to escape and creates...a giant methane monster. No, seriously! A giant cloud made out of everyone's gas! What were the writers thinking, seriously? It's like they have watched Ren and Stimpy and got some ideas off there, no?

The following day, the methane monster soon causes chaos all over Townsville and his stench is so unbearable that it causes everyone to feel nauseous and complain. This then causes the Mayor to call the girls and...*sighs*...watching them trying to fight off a huge flatulent monster is just...well...yeah. Lame.

As if stinking up the city has already been done in season 2's Down and Dirty, but that as caused by Buttercup refusing to bathe, but nope, we get a full on episode with gastronomical proportions and bad jokes!

From here, we get some rather ridiculously stomach churning moments including the girls actually trying to suck the monster up...err...gross? So...after the mention of a "match", Blossom gets an idea and takes off and returns again in seconds with...a giant match...no seriously AND to make this episode even more cringy, she mentions that she got it from the same place where she got the giant jar in "episode two season one". Was that really necessary?

I don't wanna go on since its pretty cliche'd with the fact that entering a chili cook-off with an ingredient that happens to be linked to chaos, it's obvious what that equals.

This was a bad episode and I mean really really bad. GOLDEN RULE: Keep fart jokes off this show! Oh wait...the reboot pushed that further! *sighs*

5. Gettin' Twiggy With It Consider this the Pet Sitter Pat episode of The Powerpuff Girls. Nearly every character in this show is likable, funny, great, relatable and somehwhat a decent role model. All but one...that being a less major character: the girls class mate Mitch Mitchellson. A sadistic, nasty, evil, selfish, greedy, manipulative child who takes pleasure in bullying his fellow...ahem...classmates. Think of him as the Nelson Muntz of Townsville. Think of him as Ren Hoek off Ren Seeks Help in Ren and Stimpy Adult Party Cartoon, or maybe even Stewie Griffin. In this episode, it's Friday and that means one of the kids has the responsibility of taking the class hamster Twiggy home. The girls volunteer, but somehow Ms. Keane chooses Mitch to look after her.

This episode is legimately painful to watch in my opinion. As an animal lover (especially hamsters) who hates animal cruelty to a degree couldn't even watch this. It isn't funny, isn't a pleasure to watch, it's just sick, twisted and evil, I'm glad though that the episode itslef wasn't treated as comedic, that would make me up this episode straight to number one in my opinion. Mitch apparently says he never owned a pet before, yet you can clearly see that he has a snake in the background, what the hell?

I like how when Twiggy becomes a vicious monster, the girls do their part to save him, but still teach him a lesson in harming little Twiggy. It's rare for an episode to be played out seriously for the most part, yet this is just so difficult to watch. Especially all the ways Mitch tortures the hamster.

Gettin' Twiggy With It is just nasty and an unwatchable episode. It's unpleasant, demented and just uncomfortable to watch. For a better review on this episode, I suggest reading this: https://www.deviantart.com/regulas314/art/1001-Animations-Gettin-Twiggy-With-It-517452789. He does great reviews and provides decent detail.

Overall, Mitch Mitchellson is hands down my most despised character in The Powerpuff Girls, maybe even worse than Princess Morbucks. And that's saying a lot.

4. Girls Gone Mild I don't think there's one countdown of top ten worst PPG without this episode at least appearing on there. It's bad, the story, the premise, the fact that this episode was inspired by letters Craig McCracken received from parents thinking the violence was appropriate as a defence, pretty much the Three Girls and A Monster of the Chris Savino era. This episode is basically like a reminder that parents and legal guardians are the ones who should ultimately take responsibility for their children's actions instead of just blaming other people for it. But for what it is, it's not funny or entertaining and definitely one worth skipping. Need I point out that the two people of "P.A.P.P" (People Against Powerpuff Girls) were played by the same people behind the voices of Cosmo and Wanda from The Fairly Odd Parents?

But seriously, where do these two come from? Clearly not from Townsville otherwise they'd be more than happy to ask for the girls help, but no, instead they eat everything up with complaints and threaten to sue the Professor if the girls start using their superpowers again. I hate tropes like this, especially when we all know in the end, they go back to normal and do what they do best. Now if only they were kicking Stanley and Sandra Practice's butts instead.

3. Moral Decay *sighs* some of you have definitely seen this one coming but you can see why. It's one of the most unpleasant, mean spirited and degrading episodes of the Craig McCracken era. What were the writers actually thinking?

Buttercup's nothing but a straight up sadist in this episode, the moment those mouth muscles form a malicious slasher smirk, she has straight up changed in personality throughout the episode. After accidentally knocking one of Bubbles' teeth out, she learns of the "tooth fairy" bringing money in exchange for teeth under kid's pillows and what does she do? She constantly abuses Bubbles just to try and knock out her teeth.

First off, Buttercup may be tough, but she loves her sisters dearly and wouldn't think of abusing her own sisters for kicks. Sure she gets into scrapes now and then, argues and teases them, but she would never want to hurt them to this extent!

UmbraMagna's stated this before on YouTube but have they go something against Buttercup, did they hate her character? Why did she always get the rough stuff in punishment and treatment? Think about it? In Down and Dirty, she refuses to bathe and even gets kicked out the house until she gives in and is forcefully given a full scrub by her own sisters. In Cover Up, a whole opportunity is wasted on a story that could have had a heartwarming peptalk scene between Buttercup and the Professor, there, Buttercup feels vulnerable without her security blanket. You gotta remember that she is a little girl, it's normal for someone her age to have a baby blanket.

Going back to Moral Decay, it's a terrible episode that's just painful to watch and do NOT get me started on the ending. The Professor at his most non-caring right here, not to mention that close out ending scene. As punishment, the Professor pays covers Buttercup's dental bills with the money she "saved". By the way, I suggest you check out @UmbraMagna's extended review on this episode. Since mostly I'd be shadowing and echoing what she has said, along with A Very Special Blossom in her top 10 worst PPG eps countdown.

2. Sun Scream/The City Of Frownsville I put these two together because...well, they both aired together, simple as, bit cheap and not so well explained or thought but what else. These two episodes are just torture! Despite being on different topics.

First off, Sun Scream. This episode is just a chore to get though. The girls all catch the sun after refusing to put sunscreen lotion on while trying to stop a solar flare from plummeting to the earth. What do their fans and the rest of the citizens do? They laugh at them, instead of showing concern for three kids who have badly been sunburned. Just...what has happened to Townsville?

The rest of the episode is nothing but the girls struggling to get up out of bed and trying to answer the hotline, getting dressed to even struggling to attack some con artists. I won't spoil this episode but if you have made it through till the end then good luck, this one's just painful to watch.

Then we have The City of Frownsville. Although being dedicated to those who lost their lives during 9-11 (with all my respect, I pray now even). Despite this, this episode is nothing but everyone sobbing their eyes out for ten minutes. If you can't stand nails scratching on a chalkboard, then you will definitely not be able to make it through this episode.

All of Townsville's put under a spell by "Lou Gubrious" and his machine that causes everyone to cry uncontrollably, this then reverses his mood giving him the new name "Hal Larious" (please, seriously?), the rest...ugh.

Skip this one while you can guys.

Before I get to number one, I'd like to give out a few dishonorable mentions.

Cover Up - For shaming Buttercup being a softy. Also her sisters cruelly laughing at her. Twisted Sister - First off, I don't hate this episode as a whole, I don't like what they did with the new sister Bunny. She's unstable, but her slurred speech and lack of English, as well as dying in so called comedic fashion's a bit too much. Fallen Arches - Blossom's unbearable in this episode. Sure, we should respect the elderly but refusing to fight these crooks and throw'em in jail. Just...no. Sweet and Sour - Ugh, cutesey animals getting away with crime and the citizens are just as clueless because they are "TOO CUTE!". Come on! Pee Pee Gs - Unsettling and nothing but pee jokes. Umm...no, unfunny and a cringefest. Prime Mates - Mopey Popo's constant complaining and rambling in his Droopy-esque voice and the girls not having enough screen time make this a true downer. A Very Special Blossom - Ugh, one of the first of episodes where one of the girls does wrong and gets punished for it. In this case, Blossom's dark side shows when she steals a valuable set of golf clubs just to please the Professor for Father's Day. That's Not My Baby - Ah the baby cliche! Whether it's abandoned or just being looked after the whole package is there. The baby never stops crying, and when it eats, it's diaper needs to be changed yada yada yada, I'm sick of this cliche and this episode's no better. HOW did they not even notify the Professor even? I left it out of here because the ending was actually clever. Cop Out - Forgettable, bland and yeah. Unfunny, also that cop. Ugh. Custody Battle - Just doesn't feel like a PPG episode, but a Rowdyruff Boys spinoff. Also the whole two daddies thing...nah. Divide and Conquer - I know education and learning's important but an entire maths episode...nope. Save Mojo - I'm a bit of an animal activist, no lies but...a cartoon chimpanzee with constant diabolical plans to destroy the Powerpuff Girls and take over the world, that's different (plus a cartoon), and...yeah. Basically Girls Gone Mild with animal activists and protesters. Say Uncle - Absolutely forgettable and lame. Mizzen In Action - I love the Crack McCraigen pun name but over all, this swash buckling episode's one of the show's most forgettable episodes. Seed No Evil - Bland and boring and...seriously, what's this all about seeds in olden times? The City of Nutsville - Bubbles gets stung in the throat by a bee/wasp and her sisters actually laugh at her...messed up. Also, squirrel apocalypse. Insane. West in Pieces - Ugh...ancestors of the Powerpuff Girls? really? As if Seed No Evil was no better.

And the number one worst Powerpuff Girls episode is...

1. Toast Of The Town I HATE this episode! Talk about character derailment, especially when you're in the middle of season five. If you can get through this episode listening to the Mayor speak in the third person, good for you, because there's a lot of it and it's enough to make your eardrums split.

The Mayor has a huge craving for toast (say, at least SOMEONE now has a toaster unlike everybody in Too Pooped To Puff few seasons back) but his toaster is out of range, so he goes to the Professor to have it fixed. And with that, we get some of the most cringe inducing audio, lack lustered story writing and some of the most ANNOYING dialogue in any episode! The Mayor is basically nothing but...a child in a man's body here. The Professor won't fix his toaster because he's busy, but after more complaining from the Mayor, he gets on with the job and the Mayor is so impatient he asks in seconds if it's done yet...really? The Mayor is an idiot, that's for sure, but at least he means well and loves his city and job and looks out for the girls. BUT his stupidity here is both questionable, childish and dumbed down to a tee!

The Professor makes the Mayor wait somewhere in the lab which he does despite still dejected and impatient. What follows is...the Mayor curiously pressing buttons like a child and setting off an alarm and causing a huge explosion in the lab...err...is this Dexter's Lab or The Powerpuff Girls? Some weird pattern here! Anyway, the Professor then proceeds to let the Mayor stay put by putting him in a high chair...for...some reason...

Later on, the Mayor discovers a can of Chemical X and rubs some of it on his head thinking it's hair growth formula and...his entire body is now the size of King Kong, complete with a shameless parody to boot. I don't need to explain anymore of this.

Seriously? The Mayor's third person speech and childish behaviour here is some of the worst character derailment I've ever seen. As I said with Gettin' Twiggy With It, there's a more detailed review here by Regulas314: https://www.deviantart.com/regulas314/art/Animated-Atrocities-Toast-of-the-Town-475588395

There's no other way I can mention this episode without any...ahem spoilers, but I suggest avoiding it while you can. SERIOUSLY! This episode's unbearable!

Compare the Mayor in episodes like Uh Oh Dynamo, where he was against the girls having the city destroyed (even though it was the Professor making the girls use the Dynamo). Then compare him here...it's just painful. And with that, let me know what you think which episodes do you think are th eabsolute worst?

#Powerpuff Girls #Top 10 #countdown #worst episodes

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charliejrogers · 4 years ago

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Yes, God, Yes

Full disclosure: I not only attended a Catholic high school, but I specifically attended a Kairos retreat, the exact retreat which the characters from 2020’s Yes, God, Yes attend. In the film, they call it “Kirkos,” but everything about “Kirkos” is the same as my (and seemingly every) Kairos. So let me clear up a few things for those of you who saw this film and thought, “This shit at this movie retreat can’t be what they do in real life.” Yes, Kairos leaders really do collect your phone and watch upon arrival to the retreat center since you are now on “God’s time ”(kairos comes from the Greek word καιρός which literally means “God’s time”). Yes, you are forced into small groups with your other classmates and feel this weird pressure to have a sad life story to share. Yes, small group leaders start to play music while they tell their own story AND pass out the lyrics as if these song lyrics are real deep poetry. One of my retreat leaders, for example, handed out sheets of the lyrics to Florence + The Machine’s “Shake it Off.” Now, I LIKE Florence + The Machine, but even still the lyrics to that song are nothing special. And, most of all, yes, those who come back from Kairos do tend to act a little cultish. At our school it was referred to as having a “Kai high,” a feeling in time when everyone just wants to be friends yet those people only exclusively hang out with one another.

In defense of Kairos retreats, at their very best, they offer adolescents at a critical time in their development the opportunity to reflect on their lives thus far, evaluate if they are living out the values their parents and community have instilled in them, and give them a safe space to work through conflicts, apologize, and try to be better people. At their worst, it’s a self-congratulatory experience where people act morally superior to others without really doing anything substantial… or even worse it’s a period of time where adolescents might unearth and talk about really hard topics like suicide, depression, etc. for the first time… and yet are given no real guidance on how to handle those emotions outside of this four day experience!

All this said, this is not a review of Kairos retreat. It is, indeed, a film review. I just wanted to make clear my biases etc. before talking about it since the retreat does more than provide the setting for the majority of Yes, God, Yes: the retreat’s four-day thematic structure doubles as the film’s plot structure. Just as in real life, our protagonist does a lot of questioning about her life and her faith during her first day, does some “crying” during the second as people, “accepting/trusting” the third, and then “living out” the lessons she learned on the fourth day and beyond! The difference is that in real life, teens are supposed to do these things in regard to their faith... or protagonist across those four days has a genuine sexual awakening.

In fact it’s exactly the desire to suppress her sexuality that prompts our protagonist to go on the retreat in the first place. Because our protagonist, Alice (played by Stranger Things’ Natalia Dyer), has just discovered something about herself that is hard to put out of her mind: she likes sex! Or, more specifically, likes masturbating. Alice is, from what we can tell in the prologue, a pretty by-the-books Catholic teen. She follows the rules, goes to Church with her Dad every Sunday, and os pretty sexually naïve… sheltered as we used to describe kids. Someone starts a rumor that Alice “tossed” a boy’s “salad” at a party and the rumor spreads like wildfire. Even the teachers know about it, and she loses her status as a gift bearer for the school’s weekly Mass. Of course, Alice doesn’t even know what “tossing salad” means (nor truthfully did I… but the movie seems to anticipate this by providing a definition to the audience at the very beginning of the film.)

All Alice knows is that she likes arm hair… like LIKES arm hair, something she discovers when she’s on an AOL chat room and someone sends her porn. That’s right, this is a film set in the early ‘00s, so if you hold any nostalgia for that time, get ready to have your fill from the era’s cheesy pop ballads to giant brick phones, to the fact that America (while starting to be so) wasn’t so health conscious that’s it not crazy to believe a teenage girl would just come home from school and snack on frosting and a giant bowl of Cheetoh’s Puffs. The nostalgia is not quite as in your face as in Captain Marvel, but it’s certainly more of a focus than it was in Lady Bird.

Yeah, you knew the comparison was coming. Let’s just be clear, this is by no means trying to be the next Lady Bird. This movie knows it’s pretty frivolous to begin with. Still, it’s hard to avoid comparison with the last big movie about a Catholic girl coming of age in the early 2000s. What I learned in watching this movie compared to Lady Bird or even Boyhood is that merely recreating aspects of my former life does not a good movie make. While I loved the fact that part of watching Lady Bird was getting to see someone shine a light on how ridiculous high school theater could be, that was never the point of the movie. Here, meanwhile, a significant purpose of the film is to highlight the fact that, yes, Kairos retreats are weird and the Church sucks. While I found myself nodding my head in agreement with what I was seeing on screen… it wasn’t exactly enjoyment as much as thinking, “yup, this is what a Kairos retreat is.” Furthermore, I feel like there are aspects of Kairos that would be great for skewering and I love the parts they absolutely nail: the cultish nature of the retreat and the pressure to frame your life in a sad way… but they ultimately take a route of criticism that is too easy and frankly is not a focus of most Kairos retreats… the focus on shaming one’s sexuality and the innate hypocrisy that behavior inevitably reveals.

If there’s a villain in this film, it’s probably the retreat leader and school priest Fr. Murphy (Timothy Simons), who gives in to rumors of Alice’s sexual impropriety as much as any schoolyard bully. No one in this whole film, from Fr. Murphy, to the head of Alice’s bunkhouse, to her small group leader, to even her best friend, takes Alice’s spiritual journey seriously, as they all assume Alice is not taking the retreat seriously as she seems to be avoiding talking about her recent, rumorous activity. Of course, there’s a bit of #MeToo hypocrisy here in that the male with whom Alice is said to have been engaged with enjoys none of the backlash that she has been dealing with. And to that degree it’s a satisfying movie in that Alice gets to dish out a little #MeToo revenge.

Still, even with all things conspiring against her, Alice retains her good spirit throughout the film… as well as her determination to further explore her sexuality. On the one hand, it’s a little unrealistic the risks she takes in trying to learn more about her body, but on the other hand teenagers and young adults are friggin’ weird when it comes to figuring out themselves. Ultimately she is emboldened in this take once she finds out that all those people who are out to get her to confess her “sins” are sinners in much the same way.

Probably the best scene comes at the end of Alice’s third day of the retreat when she runs away from the retreat center and walks into a lesbian bar where she hears the story of someone who used to be Catholic and is now not. More important than anything she could learn at the retreat, this Iowa girl learns that some normal people… just don’t have a religion. For some people this world, its pleasures, its pains, is more than enough. Alice doesn’t become a full-blown hedonist after this, but she is opened up to realize there’s more to life than Catholic guilt.

Perhaps to make this good message ring out, the film as a whole, despite some absurdist elements, feels like it’s meant to be a somewhat accurate reflection of reality. I wish the writer/director, Karen Maine had tried for a slightly more absurdist approach or taken out the absurdity altogether. She already makes the Catholic high school authority more caricature than character, and the plot at timesis almost silly. Therefore, the tone of the movie just sorta feels off throughout. Just about the only thing keeping this movie grounded is a great performance by Dyer who portrays a genuine sexual awakening very faithfully, capturing the mix of confusion, guilt, and excitement all at once. Even when Alice does something downright stupid, Dyer’s performance engenders our trust from the start, and we are always on her side. I wish I could have liked this movie more as it really does accurately portray some aspects of a Kairos retreat and is about as close as I think I’ll get to having it portrayed in a major film, but ultimately by not treating the Church authority with the same amount of nuance paid to Dyer’s Alice and her sexual awakening, the film ends up being an enjoyable, if one-noted, experience. Come to make fun of Catholics, stay for Dyer’s performance.

**7/8 (Two and seven-eighths out of four stars)

#yes god yes #natalia dyer #karen maine #yesgodyes

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thebrownblog · 4 years ago

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The Year of Our Lord 2020

I was in New Orleans when the world truly went nuts. It was surreal, I flew out to meet my friend on the 5th of March when it was still kind of a big joke (looking back, I don’t really know why it was), and in the 7 days I was down there it all became real. It was still the source of jokes and one-liners when someone coughed at the bar on Bourbon Street, or when I had a hay fever sneezing fit. I flew back in to Montreal on the 12th. By this time, when I yawned at the airport someone nearly jumped right out of their skin. I arrived just in time to be part of the first group of quarantined folk in Canada (cheers to being part of history!).

I remember those weeks in mid-March as being intense, scary, and...unprecedented. Not really seeing another human for two weeks is no fun at all, and something I pray to avoid having to do a second time. ‘Unprecedented’ is a word that has been used over and over again this year, because we’ve been living through the unknown since that aforementioned week in March. The faith that society would pull together in a crisis, that even the more grotesque politicians (ahem Boris, cough Trump) would step up and lead...that nothing too bad could ever happen to us in the shiny West, has been eroded. The safety blanket is gone, we see how fragile things really are, and how so much of what we took for granted was an illusion.

They say the novel coronavirus mainly has serious effects on people with pre-existing conditions, ‘comorbidities’ as they call them in the US. Well it turned out that western society had a fuck-ton of those things, and now I often feel like it’s become this revolting, sick thing made up of polarised extremes. Some days it feels like half the world is sitting at home in front of the TV, terrified that the virus is stalking just outside the front door like Michael Myers in a Halloween movie (I was like this at the start before I turned off the news and put Netflix on), while the other half are in a collective delusion/mass psychosis in which the virus doesn’t exist, and somehow every government in the world (despite how obviously incompetent most of them are), along with every health worker on the planet, have somehow pulled off the world’s greatest conspiracy just to stop them eating in at McDonald’s. To me it looks like being a giant, screaming baby denying everything which inconveniences you somehow (for an even clearer example of this behaviour, check out this year’s shambolic US election).

And no, I’m not here to pick sides or insult people, I’m calling it all as I see it when looking back on the year as a whole. I’ve personally flip-flopped with my own feelings and thoughts many times, and it’s normal in an evolving situation. There is legitimacy to questioning the measures at times if you’re prepared to have a reasonable, adult conversation. In fact, there’s legitimacy to most (not all) opinions in life if you’re prepared to do this. Sadly this is a skill that seems to have by and large died a terrible death in recent times. Another crucial thing that would help dig us all out of this shitheap is people possessing the ability to change their mind about something when presented with new evidence instead of doubling and tripling down no matter what. It’s okay to be wrong and make mistakes, seriously. Acknowledge it, apologise if you need to, and move on for the better. Oh, and if you’re offended by any of this, take a hike, seriously. I don’t care.

I’ve never been down the conspiracy rabbit hole, but yes I have felt anger at the restrictions because I want to live again instead of exisiting and holding on, it’s simply human nature at work. I want to see my family (at Christmas this stings worse than ever, and I will go in summer no matter what), I want to travel, to do work I get pleasure from again (and not from home, sitting alone). Today this feels like a year wasted. You can always make more money, but time is something you can never get back.

If you’ve stuck with reading this up to this point, you’re probably ready to call the Samaritans, but there’s no need. It would be pretty difficult (and incredibly false) to write a glowingly positive piece about 2020. My emotions have been like a yo-yo all year. Sometimes life has been almost normal despite the pandemic, and other times it has hit me in the face all over again. In spite of everything I have had good times this year, and I am grateful for the friends I’ve made over the years here, without whom all this would have been 10x worse. I’m also grateful to have my own place, I feel this would have been truly horrendous if I was sharing a living space like I have for most of my adult life.

Oh, and the defeat of Donald Trump in November certainly didn’t do me any harm, even though I’ll never understand how he got that many votes!

I am also grateful for all the free time I have had this year to indulge in many old pleasures I haven’t had so much time for in years. Reading through all seven Harry Potter books at the park probably wins the prize, but honourable mentions go to my eternal comrade Stephen King, as well as all the films of my childhood and adolescence that made a strong come back this year. Thanks go also to the PS1, PS2, and the XBox/XBox 360. For real, there is genuine comfort and refuge in nostalgia. When the present is crappy, look to the past. You’ve probably worked it out already too this year, but if not, try it...seriously. Just don’t get lost.

It was also nice reconnecting with a lot of old friends I hadn’t spoken to in years at the start of this covid story, but sadly it does seem that all that sense of unity didn’t last very long.

Nevertheless, there’s no doubt that being outside in summer and autumn was better than being cooped up indoors now. I don’t like this time of year at the best of times, so it’s no surprise I barely feel like getting out of bed some days presently.

I’m down, but not out however. All things must pass, covid included. It is my personal feeling that the next three months will be as bad, if not worse, than what’s gone before, and then things will slowly but surely begin to change and improve. I’m not sure we’ll ever go back to the way things were, but the way things were was far from perfect anyway. We’ll just have to wait and see, we’re still like mushrooms in this scenario; kept in the dark and fed shit. Life has been on pause most of the year, and it still is, frustrating as it is.

As for the future, there’s still not much to do other than hold on for a little while longer, but I’m sure when this shitstorm is over there are changes to come. I’ve certainly had plenty of time this year to think and reflect! When I can I’ll make the changes required to improve my situation, wherever the opportunities happen to be on the map.

Happy New Year, Death to 2020.

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singlewithafamily · 4 years ago

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I am a father, mother, brother and uncle all in one!!!

Now imagine, you have been living for the last years of what I would consider is the perfect single life. You wanted to go to a restaurant with the guys, no problem, you wanted to visit a bar and then a club, yes sir, you could, you wanted to stay in and have a lazy evening with a nice take away of course, no problem. O yes almost forgot, there is nobody to monitor you 24/7, no one to report your whereabouts and nobody to update anyone about the happenings of your life. O yes and you can choose to whom dedicate your time, that’s also a big one. Almost forgot you can bring members of the opposite sex home without giving further explanation. If I don’t stop here I write an article about the advantages of being single.

Then after about 13 years I came to the conclusion that I had enough from London, I wanted to life with my family again, I wanted to start my own company, I had planned out my life for at least the next five years, basically start a new life in Italy. A couple of month before leaving I started planning my travel website, got in touch with the web company, graphic designer, necessary suppliers and met with friends one last time. My mind was made up, ready for a new chapter! The new chapter started, but not as I thought, nothing could prepare myself to the daunting new life as a member of a family. Big question… Does life ever goes as planned??? NO IT DOESN’T, I am the living prove, I suppose there's a reason for why life is called uncertain and that's because it never goes as planned.

What I can tell you is that living again at home and with a family shook me to the core, reminded me again of my family values and also changed me for the better. There are quite a few benefit of livening with a family but the two that stood out for me are, you learn again to share your space and you have got somebody to be there for you. As a single you can do whatever you want whenever you want but that has the disadvantage that you become quite selfish with you space, which means for example you can’t stand it when somebody moves your staff, you want to do whenever you want to do without taking in consideration that maybe you have got some responsibility towards other people in the household. So living with a family makes you aware of other peoples needs and you become less selfish, however in exchange you get support and unconditional love from the people that life with you. I would even go that far and say that living with a family prepares you to an extent to your own family life or living with a partner.

I suppose there were two phases to my new role:

Phase 1 – Italy – The lost sun back home – Getting used to life in a family

I have spend about 13 years living on my own in London, living again after such a short time at home was quite an adjustment, it took me more or less about 6 -12 month. I had to get used to have my family around, they had to get used to me, after all I was also an ‘intruder’ into their daily life. I had my own room and everything that belonged to me had to ‘stay’ in my room, dishes had to be cleaned straight away, rubbish brought out when full immediately…etc… O and yes when your shirt is not properly ironed they will let you know (in my family there are predominantly women), let you know when your perfume is not smelling ‘good’ or when you are not dressed well enough. Asking, Marco where are you going, when will you be back, don’t be late, don’t forget to pick up your sister, I mean you get my point, it seriously took me a while of getting used to that.

And now then the introduction to my nephew, uncle Marco I am hungry, me: pick up something from the fridge, he was 4 yeas old… and he had to get used to me, my nephew to my mother: since uncle Marco arrived the fridge is always empty, when is he going to leave. When it was necessary I had to babysit him, feed him or pick him up from school, other mothers waiting for their children obviously gossiping if I was the father or the new partner of the mother, so much to women. Overall it was hard not to treat this child like an ‘adult’, understand his limitations, helping him to go to the toilet, brush his teeth and to listen to me, damn that was hard.

Last but not least my sister getting pregnant with my niece Martina, Jesus Christ, her mood swings, her emotions were up and down, that was killing us, she was so aggressive, that’s one hell of an experience. One minute she was crying uncontrollably, the next one she was freaking out. Apparently during the pregnancy of her older child she was very calm. Lucky me… at the right time at the right place. Eventually however my niece Martina was born, my first time holding a newly born baby, little did I know back than that she would become also a very important person in my life.

Phase 2 – Germany - Back to square one – becoming a father, mother, uncle all in one

Due to unforeseen economic circumstances in 2013 I had to leave Italy and start again from scratch in Germany and went to stay with my sisters family that left Italy previously. Here I became fully integrated to the family again starting with babysitting, I witnessed growing up both my niece and nephew. I also began having a strong bond with my little niece, somehow she needed me for everything, uncle I am hungry, uncle I am thirsty, uncle can I sleep in your bad, can we watch a movie together, uncle… Carlo (her older brother) is annoying me…etc. I also had an ,official’ babysitting day, I still don’t now where the difference is between any other day. With her older brother I have a mother uncle relationship I suppose, although still very tight. With him as well uncle I need this uncle I need that, When he started secondary school I started spending a little bit more time because I started giving him English lessons, however is more into his mother.

It is a great experience to see how both children grow up and how different they are already at this young age. And of course you cannot just buy something just for one of them, you also have to buy something for the other one. On a day where is was feeling down, regarding on what I had achieved or not achieved in life, she replied to me you should be proud of yourself, you are helping my children growing up and giving them also an education, you are really a father, mother and uncle to them. Although we are living all in one house, the best time that we all have together is when we go on a holiday and this is also the time that I cherish the most. The pictures and the videos that you do and the time spend together are just unforgettable, lasting moments down memory lane, which you look back with nostalgia are simply unique, nothing compares to that.

Looking back I can sincerely say that today I am the best version of myself that I have been in a long time and that’s thanks to my family. Was it easy to get there, no, is it easy to life in a family, definitely not, but it is worth, just hold on and go with the flow, the love and support that you get from your family outweighs the responsibility that you have got. Empathy, responsibility and selfishness

However all depends of what kind of relationship you would like to have with your family and of course how do you see your future.

#family #single #relationship #relationships #self help

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juliethebibliophile · 6 years ago

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I Realize I saw The Lightning Thief Musical 3 Days Ago Now and I Still Haven’t Blogged About It?

So I’m gonna do that now.

Okay, so I first heard about this musical 5 or 6 years ago on Tumblr when they first started workshopping it. Since then, they’ve been off Broadway twice(I live in New York), literally ON MY CAMPUS once, and every time my best friend and I have planned to see it but been too busy or forgotten to buy tickets. This year, while they were in Manhattan for their tour, we FINALLY went. That notion alone was enough to make me cry you guys, you have no idea how much it meant to me to finally see this show(that is another post entirely that I made on Facebook and might make here but I digress)

FULL SPOILER FREE REVIEW BELOW THE CUT

Okay, so first thing I’ll say is from the moment this show began, forget that, from the moment I was on my way there, but especially when I got into the theatre, and again when the show started, I turned into a 14 year old again. I had not touched “The Lightning Thief”, or the first Percy Jackson series, since the 5th grade(I’m a junior in college now). I hadn’t even thought about the franchise as a whole since I read “The Blood of Olympus” when it came out in 2014(okay that’s a lie, I read the first Magnus Chase and Trials of Apollo but you get the picture). And yet, this show got me jumping up and down and crying about Percy instantly. And now I’ll go through the reasons why I think that is.

So with me not having read the first book in ten years, I knew the movie was inaccurate, but I didn’t really know how or why because the plot of the movie was what stuck in my mind. When I reread the book in preparation for the musical, and saw the musical, I really understood where the movie went wrong, and in turn where this musical went so right. In general, the musical comes off like the characters and places in the books jumped right off of the pages. What really amazes me about this is that the actors are all obviously in their twenties, and yet you still feel like they’re the twelve year olds you know and love from that first book. I credit this to the incredible talent of the actors of course, but to some other things as well.

The musical works with minimalism in terms of sets and effects, for obvious reasons, but this serves it so well. The minimalist way that everything is done matches the heart of the book. The things they do are things that kids playing pretend could do with props in their garage. And that’s what makes it so great: it has this childlike story hour feel that matches the childlike feel of the books, and also plays to the nostalgia factor that the books hold for the majority of the show’s audiences.

The show is a comedy in a lot of ways, but it doesn’t feel like a parody because the books are comedic/not taking themselves seriously in that same way. The way the gods are portrayed in the musical(I won’t spoil anything but like...I nearly pissed myself at Poseidon) much better matches the feel of the books than the edgy, domineering figures in armor that the movies gave us. Every moment of laughter that the show provides has so much emotion behind it as well, and it harkens back to Percy’s sarcasm and ridiculous sounding chapter titles from the original series.

The songs are amazing. Seriously, it’s been 3 days, and this soundtrack is still the only thing I can listen to. There are songs full of emotion and heart like “Good Kid” (which I’ve been crying over for years), “Strong” and “Tree on the Hill”, songs that are full of comedy and fun like “Another Terrible Day” and “Drive”, songs that’ll have you crying from triumph and pride like “Son of Poseidon” and “My Grand Plan”, and songs that are a perfect combination of everything like “Campfire Song” and “Bring on the Monsters”. In general, they all reminded me of the most joyful, innocent parts of myself, and reminded me what it’s like to love Percy Jackson.

The way the musical handles time restraints is spectacularly done as well. The song “drive” basically covers all the major events of the quest in about 5-10 minutes(save for Aunty Em’s and the trip to the Underworld which have their own scenes) and they technically don’t do everything that they do in the book, but the musical finds a way to pay homage to and acknowledge those events while also brushing past them in a comical way that the audience eats up.

Speaking of time constraints, the musical also pays homage to beloved parts of the series that don’t occur in “The Lightning Thief”. Without changing or manipulating any plot points, they reference Bianca and Nico, the “dam” snack bar, Percabeth, and more. The subtle references are even more fun than if these elements had been placed in via changing plot(I’m looking at you creepy pool makeout scene in the movie) and the audience goes wild every time.

That’s another measure of how spectacular the show is. The audience, which anyone with eyes can see is comprised of hoards of diehard Percy Jackson fans(fully grown adults in Camp Half-Blood T-shirts EVERYWHERE), goes absolutely batshirt nuts with excitement over this show. This makes it such a fun show to go to, because everything you wanna cheer for in an absolute nerdy, over-the-top way, everyone else is cheering for as well(Percabeth references, Percy being proclaimed the Son of Poseidon, etc.) It just brings you back to childhood joy and innocence for the two hours that you’re there.

The show immerses you in nostalgia in every way. The concession stand sells 90% blue food(an expert way for them to get all of my money too I willingly spent 17 bucks on snacks because they were blue). They reference inside jokes and fan favorites. In general, you can tell that everyone involved in the show has been a Percy Jackson fan at some point(or at least they did their research because seriously...”dam”). It’s funny, ridiculous and quirky, but so are the books, and the musical is also deep and emotional and beautiful in ways that I can’t even put into words. Just listen to Good Kid and Son of Poseidon. Seriously. They’re on Youtube and Spotify. You will cry.

In conclusion, I have nothing negative to say about this show...like at all. If you’ve ever been a fan of Percy Jackson in any capacity, you’ve gotta see this show. I’ve been so ridiculously happy since I saw this show, and I forgot until I saw it what a significant part Percy Jackson played in my childhood and adolescence. It was an absolute delight from start to finish, and I will definitely be seeing it every time I have the opportunity.

#percy jackson #pjo #the lightning thief #the lightning thief musical #mine #julie reviews #julie gets analytical #theatre review

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cchellacat · 6 years ago

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Happier

Love All The Marvel Ships Challenge

Day Fourteen ~ Doing something fun/special together.

“Darcy, hey, wake up!”

There’s a blaze of light as the curtains are pulled open and the sunlight hits Darcy directly in the face. She groans dramatically and rolls over burying her face in his pillow.

“Go away.”

“Darcy! Come on, you have to get up. Things to do, people to see.”

She pulls the duvet over her head, her voice muffled as she replies.

“What? Ugg, no, I am not getting up! It’s too damn early for this.”

“Oh, come on, it’s going to be a good day. You can’t lie in bed forever.”

“Says who?” Darcy mutters into the comforter.

The cover is suddenly gone and the bed dips dangerously. She blinks up and glares at Jane.

“Seriously? Who died and made you Queen?”

Jane pulls that mulish expression; the one Darcy could really have lived her whole life without seeing.

“Up, we have things to do. I have a list of instructions and you’re not getting out of it.”

Darcy frowns, blowing a curl out of her face.

“Instructions?”

Jane smiles warmly down at her. Darcy does not feel like smiling back, but a little voice in the back of her head nudges her to bite anyway.

“Up, I have coffee ready in the kitchen and Tony had your favourite pastries flown in from that bakery in Chicago.

Darcy blinks stupidly at Jane. It’s not her birthday. What the hell is going on?

Jane jumps off the bed before she can ask anything else and grabs her hand, dragging her up. For such a tiny woman she sure has a lot of strength.

“Okay, fine, I’m up. But I wanted it recorded that it is under protest.”

“Duly noted.” Jane replies dryly, shoving her toward the bathroom.

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By the time she steps out of the shower and into the bedroom again she actually feels awake and at least a little intrigued by Janes mysterious instructions.

On the bed Jane has laid out an outfit for her. It’s one she hasn’t worn in a long time. The dress is a deep amber with white polka dots and the long wrap cardigan is a jewel toned burgundy red. The heels she’s left out match and Darcy feels a tiny thrill of nostalgia.

When she’s finally seated at the table, she finds everything exactly as Jane said it would be, fresh French pressed coffee and an array of artesian pastries she loves.

She pulls the sleeves of the cardigan up to her elbows and digs in, humming appreciatively at the fine coffee and equally fine chocolate twist.

“Okay, Boss lady, hit me, what do I have to do?”

“Well.” Jane tells her, reaching into her bag. “Bucky asked me to give you this…” Jane pulls the letter from her bag and offers it to her carefully.

Darcy sets the cup down and reaches for the letter with numb fingers.

When her hand shakes, she unfolds it and lays it on the table so she can read it.

Good morning Babydoll,

I bet you didn’t expect this, but you know I never leave anything to chance. I promised you something once and I followed through, now I’m callin’ in my favour. I want you to follow my plan, just this once, no arguing. I know you’re callin’ me all the names of the day in your head right now, but I swear, you’ll thank me later. I expect if Jane followed through, you’re wearing that dress and those shoes, you know the ones I mean…

Darcy slapped her hand over her mouth and choked back an unsteady sobbing laugh. He was such a sneaky little shit.

Do you remember the day you wore it last? We went out to Coney Island, you hated it, complained the whole day about the cheap food and the sand everywhere and the crowds. But you went anyway, you knew it made me happy to take you there. I remember takin’ off those strappy little heels and holding them for you while we walked along sand. You looked beautiful in that dress, with your hair up and little wisps of curls kissing the skin at the nape of your neck. We stood on the beach and watched the sunset. You made me happy that day, let me make today happy for you. So, listen up Darcy Elizabeth cause there’s a schedule, you don’t want to be late for the grand finally. Listen to Jane, I know she’ll keep you right doll, I know I can trust her to keep her mouth shut, so don’t go needling her to tell. I hope today will be as special for you as made that one for me.

James.

P.S. I love you.

Darcy bit back her tears and pressed her fingers flat into the paper, biting her lip hard. After taking a few minutes to compose herself she looked back up at Jane.

“Jane...”

Jane holds up a hand and stops her.

“No, I made a promise, I’m going to keep it. Let’s go, we have somewhere to be in forty minutes.”

Darcy gives her a hard stare then glances back down at the letter.

P.S. I love you

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“Where are we?” Darcy asks as the car draws up outside an imposing looking stone built.

Jane looks over and hands her another letter, silent smile fixed firmly in place as once again Darcy reaches for the paper.

“Don’t read it till you’re in there, I’ll wait here for you. You’ve got an hour.”

She stepped out and made her way up the steps and inside. The curator stood waiting for her.

“Welcome to the Grolier Club Ms Lewis. We have a private viewing room ready for you.”

Darcy looked around again, taking in the detail. How on earth had he managed this? She followed closely on the woman’s heels, and followed the special instruction for handling the documents and settled down. The woman left and Darcy brought out the letter Jane had handed her.

“Hey Doll-face,

I hope you’ll enjoy the surprise. You get a private viewing of Wallace’s Supreme Fiction, the original document. I can’t claim to understand or even like poetry the way you do, but I did a little reading. I think I understand what you were trying to say about it now.

Here’s the two parts that stuck me, touched me perhaps, gave me pause as I thought of you, of us, of what we are, together and apart. Of what I’ve done and who I’ve been, the fiction of the life that was taken and the fiction of the one forced on me.

And for what, except for you, do I feel love? Do I press the extremest book of the wisest man Close to me, hidden in me day and night? In the uncertain light of single, certain truth, Equal in living changingness to the light In which I meet you, in which we sit at rest, For a moment in the central of our being, The vivid transparence that you bring is peace

I know you’ll understand why this resonated, I took the idea of the life I could have had and built it into something it never could have been, I spent so long looking back at that pretty lie I sometimes didn’t see the truth in front of me. You were the only thing I’ve truly loved, the only one that brought me peace. You think you broke me Doll? You were the one who put me back together.

“Music falls on the silence like a sense,

A passion that we feel, not understand”

I’m an asshole. I didn’t spend the time I should have listening. Until you, there was only silence and darkness. You brought the music Doll and you brought the light. I should have told you then, when I still had the chance. You gave me back my soul, I thought it was gone forever, but it was just hurt, hiding in the darkness. You found me, and I never thanked you for that. So, thank you, for being bright and beautiful, for believing and pushing me even when I know I hurt you with my actions, when I pushed you away. You never let up, never gave up. I didn’t try to understand why, I should have. I was selfish where you were always giving. You deserve everything Doll, you deserve to be cherished and loved and safe. In my mind I see you dancing still, in the echoes of my memory, in the corner of my eye. Never stop Darcy, fill your life with music, fill it with love.

James.

P.S. I love you.

She fisted her hands in the material of her dress and let the tears fall on his letter, silently letting it all pour out. She should never have watched that movie with him, he could be such a soppy bastard. She spent the next hour reading over the work, thinking of Bucky and what he’d thought of it, now she knew he had read it. In a way it’s was like he was here with her. That was something precious and she held onto the feeling very, fucking, tightly.

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“Is there seriously more to this magical mystery tour? I feel like some pathetic thirty something in a Rom-com. You know I hate Rom-coms Jane. Where is this going?”

“Not where you’d expect.” she tells her, biting the inside of her cheek.

“Come, on we’re here.”

Darcy steps out, they’re somewhere in Brooklyn, it looks like an old warehouse, what on earth could there possibly be here?

“It’s part of an Art’s Program Tony funds. They get permission from the city to encourage expressive and creative arts through certain youth groups. The idea is that even the worst places in the city should have beauty brought back to them.”

Darcy follows Jane as they make their way over to the group of kids and few adults all milling about with tables set up full of massive stencils and paints and cans of spray paint.

Jane once more pulls a letter from her bag, then turns Darcy till she’s facing the brick wall and puts the letter in her hands.

“Here, you should read this first.”

Hi Sweetheart,

I hope you’re ready to have some fun. But before you do, look up….

She steps back on one leg and looks up and her eyes widen. The laughter that bubbles up escapes her completely. Up high near the top of the wall are three panels. They all depict the same two boys. In the first a young Bucky holds a tiny Steve Rogers in by the scruff of the neck, the latter kicking his legs, swiping at Bucky with his first. In the second is Bucky in his uniform saluting his friend, Steve, shoulders slumped left behind. The third panel is what’s killing her. Steve in all his star-spangled glory is running from the Germans, Bucky in his arms like a rescued princess, winking to the street.

Jane hands her a tissue as she finally manages to control her laughter, the tears wetting her cheeks in mirth rather than bittersweet sadness.

Steve wasn’t the only one who took art classes Sugar, I hope it made you smile, I know it did. I can hear you laughing from here. I promise, he hasn’t seen it yet, you can show him later, I bet he busts a rib when he does. Go make something beautiful Doll, bring something good out of something broken, I know you can do it. Be brave, take a chance. Go pick a can and paint. Remember that day in London? When we ended up in that museum? We spend five hours in that place, I’m pretty sure I thought we were never going to leave. But there was that one painting and you sat there for near an hour staring at it. Whatever it was that touched you then, let it touch you now. I’m right beside you Doll.

James,

P.S. I love you.

She tucks the letter into her bag with the other two and heads back over to Jane where she’s tentatively picking up different cans.

“You going to help Janie?”

“You bet I am, this actually looks like it might be fun.”

Darcy grins back and picks up a can, shaking it fast and lets the arts co-ordinator direct her to a piece of wall.

Jane stands beside her looking wary….

“Darcy? I don’t know if I like the way you’re staring at the wall.”

“Chill Jane, this going to be fun. You know I was actually pretty good at art in school. It’s been a while, but this isn’t my first-time tagging. It’s just, you know, legal this time.”

Darcy grins in anticipation. She knows exactly what she’s going to do. Using a length of card board, she starts her masterpiece. She had eight feet of wall to fill, who says there can’t be a garden in the jungle?

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Sitting over lunch in a tiny hole in the wall in Queens, she feels at peace and happier than she thought the day would be. Jane’s keeping the conversation going whenever Darcy faulters and stubbornly carries on till she joins back in again. The woman is a goddess, she doesn’t know what she’d do without her friend. It’s been a tough year, somehow, they’ve both held together through it. The sudden arrival of a violinist to play music that has her somewhat speechless until she hears and recognises the notes. It’s from Thais, the same Opera he took her to a little over a year ago. She looks at Jane with confusion, she pulls another damned letter from her bag and hands it to Darcy.

Afternoon Beautiful,

I hope lunch is going well and you’re listening to the music. I enjoyed that trip to Opera, I never told you how much. It was heart-breaking and beautiful. The story made me think. About life and death, love and loss. Made me think of what we leave behind when we go. It made me realise something about us. Or maybe more accurately about me. I never looked as deep as I should at you, at all the tiny facets that made you who you are, not in the beginning at any rate. You’re more than just a pretty face, more than a figure that can fill out a dress like a dream. You’re smart and passionate and good. You’re all the most beautiful things I never took the time to really see. All the beautiful things I took for granted. If I could live the moments over, I’d look harder, be a better man. You deserve better, you deserve the best. You deserve someone that sees the things you hide. I don’t know why you hide the best parts of yourself, but I can guess. It probably started with assholes like me, that never botherd to listen, to look at who you were. I think they found absolution in death, I’d really rather fuckin not. Think about it Doll. Really think about it. Stop believing that the paint on your lips and the value men give you means more than the value you ascribe yourself. You are my Thais, I’m just the poor schmuck that didn’t realise your value till it was too late.

James.

P.S. I love you.

“Why did he do this Jane?” Darcy asks as she fold up the letter, the final notes of the violin coming to a close. Jane looks torn.

“Honestly Darcy? I think Bucky Barnes will forever be a mystery. If anyone can figure out what all this means it has to be you, because I don‘t have clue and I know how this ends.”

“Alright then. What’s next?”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Steve is waiting at the airport, standing on the tarmac by the jet, his smile only a little guilty looking.

Darcy looks at Jane questioningly.

“Sorry Darce but this time it’s Steve who’s got the letter. I’ll be here when you get back.”

“You mean it still won’t be over when I come back?”

“there’s at least one more thing on the list before the end. Don’t over think it Darcy, just give it a chance. What the worst that can happen?”

Darcy sighs and facepalms.

“Jane, I know we talked about this. We do not taunt Murphy, God of Anything that will go wrong, with fighting words like that. What’s the worst that can happen!”

She climbs out of the car and walks to where Steve waits for her.

“Hey.” She twists her fingers in her sleeves and waits to see what he has to say.

“Hey Darce, got a letter for you.”

“Well?” she says expectantly when no letter appears.

“It’s on the jet. You can read it once we’re in the air.”

“fine.”

She moves past him and up the steps, quickly finding a seat and settling in.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When they finally take off, he hands her the letter and a thick manila file.

“Is this…” she breaks off, reluctant to take it.

“You don’t have to read the file. But he insisted you have the choice.”

She takes the letter, this time more apprehensive than before.

My Darling Girl,

You are my darling, my sweetheart, my sugar, my doll. All the pet names in the world can’t encompasses what you are to me. I call you by those names because there is so much that I find hard to say.

My darling. You are precious, more precious than gems and gold, than any treasure ever lost or found, you are my darling girl. Each tear I’ve cost would bankrupt the richest man for it is more valuable than a diamond. Each time I’ve caused you pain has cost me time I’ll never have again.

My Sweetheart. You are my heart, the whole of mine beats in time with yours. The sweetness you gave me I tainted with my own unhappiness, the sourness of resentment left to festered in my mind did more damage than actual words ever spoken.

My Sugar. You were the part of me that hoped and wanted. The sweetness of a different outcome, another future, I squandered it away.

My Doll. I wanted to care for you, protect you, treat you like a princess, I didn’t know how to tell you I saw your strength as well, knew it was greater than my own. But you let me hold you close, you kept me safe through nightmares waking and sleeping. Like a child, you were my doll, to ward off the loneliness I lived in, my friend and my companion, my equal in every way.

You threw it back at me once, rightfully, that when I told you that you couldn’t understand it was because I wouldn’t tell you, show you, explain. I should have handled that better. So, Steve’s gonna take you on a little trip for me. You want honest, this is it. My files from Hydra and in Bucharest my journals. Take as long or as short a time as you need.

James,

P.S. I love you.

Why had he done this? Why now? Why wait? He must have written these months ago. She carefully folds the paper, another confession of love and pain. Why couldn’t he have told her himself? Why like this?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The jet is fast, but not so fast she doesn’t have time to read the file. She takes her time with it, reading each page with careful consideration. For years all she’s had was speculation. A patchwork of ideas she’s put together through restless nights, sleepwalking and nightmares. He’d always been an incomplete puzzle she was trying to fix. What was contained in the files was a part of that puzzle, not all of it, but a great deal. He had never wanted to talk about what happened to him. Not to her, not to anyone. She had done what she could to hold him together, some days it had felt like she was working with nothing more than brown paper and string.

It had never been a chore, being there for him, she never felt it as a burden, but he had convinced himself he was. To her it had been nothing more than a labour of love. She’d come to know exactly how she felt early on. How could she not love him? The letters he had sent today, a mixture of apology, memories of better times and a deep confession of love. He’d never said the words out loud, but she had known, she had. She’d understood it through his actions. The way he held her, the way he took her hand, the way he defended her, the way he touched her shoulder when he passed her. It was in the way he’d looked up at her smiling as he removed her heels in a beach on Cony Island. It was in the way he held her close in a darkened Opera house as two characters met their end. It was in the patience he held while she sat in front of a painting for an hour and half, waiting while she took it in. it was in everything he remembered about her and never forgot. She hadn’t needed the words, she’d just needed him. But he wasn’t here.

She closed the file and pulled her bag up onto her lap, rifling through till she found what she was looking for. The letter she’d found when she’d finally woken up from a five-week coma.

Darcy,

I’m leaving for a while. I don’t know when I’ll be back. I’m not good, I’m a mess and I never tried to fix it. I let you take too much on yourself and I blamed you for things that weren’t on you. You were right, you always were. You don’t have to wait for me.

I’m sorry.

James.

She read it over, it was so different from the letters Jane had given her. She was almost afraid to hope that this was something more than a sweet apology meant to ease whatever guilt he felt, pay back what he thought he owed her.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Did you know he was born here?” Steve asks as they walk down a side street.

She jerks her head to look up at him. No, she hadn’t known. Another part of his past he hadn’t shared. She’d not sure why that piece of information stings more than the files she read on the plane.

Steve gives her sad smile.

“He was only a three when his parents took the boat to America. He grew up learning to get rid of the accent. Its how things were then. You wanted to fit in, cover up the past, shed the identity of who you were as an immigrant and embrace what it meant to be American.

They gave up their family name at Elis Island. Took an anglicised version and moved on. People didn’t talk about then, it’s probably something he never mentioned, not because he was hiding it, but because it was part of the life he lived before that was ingrained. He learned how to speak Romanian though, guess he never forgot cause he manged to blend in here without issue for nearly a year before Zemo framed him for the bombing.”

“Where are we going Steve?”

“He kept the apartment here, even after all the trouble. I don’t understand why, but he did.”

They stop outside an apartment building and Steve hands her the keys, telling her the flat number.

“You’re not coming up?” she asks hesitantly.

“No. I’ve been here before, once. He was pretty mad at me for looking in the journals he keeps here, I’m not comfortable going where I’m not invited. You’re not the only one that got a letter today Darcy.”

“Oh… I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I should never have got in the middle of it… it was none of my business. Guess I just got so used to being… to having his back, I couldn’t see the bigger picture. I’m sorry, you know about…”

“Hey, no.” she cut him off, throwing both hands up, shaking her head. “No one’s perfect, not even Captain America. It wasn’t your fault. There’s no blame here Steve. Not from me.”

“You really do see the good in everyone don’t you?”

“It’s not so hard, it’s there if you look hard enough.”

“I’ll be down the street, there’s a café on the corner there.” He points, and she sees the awning a few hundred yards down the street. “Just come get me when you’re finished.”

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She lets herself into the apartment. It’s not what she was expecting. There had been a lot of re-modelling she thinks, it’s all clean and modern looking. Light tones of mint and cream on the walls, a brighter teal picking out the accents. It’s a calming space. On the table next to the small kitchenet is a letter. If course, there’s another letter. Next to it is a box.

She sits down and opens it.

Darcy,

This is the truth, what’s left of it at least. It’s all the broken pieces that I was trying to put back together. It’s what I hid from you, too afraid you’d see my weakness and leave. It’s the darkness I lived with, that I brought into your life with me but never let you look at even while I let it hurt you. I hope this answers the questions you had. I hope it brings some sort of closure for you for that chapter in your life.

Always,

James.

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It’s late when she finally leaves the apartment, her mind a swirling mess and yet she felt at peace. There was closure in it. A million, million, questions answered. She clutched one journal in her hand. The one he’d written after he left. She’d keep it forever, the things he wrote bringing a comfort she hadn’t known she needed.

By the time they land back in New York she’s exhausted, it’s been a long day, it’s nearing evening. The sun beginning to set.

Jane’s there waiting to take her back to the Tower.

Darcy’s thankful that Jane doesn’t press, just let’s her sit in the silence. Entering the apartment, she leaves her bag and keys by the door and Jane stops her.

“I’ve done what he asked. This is the last part. One more letter. I hope I didn’t make a mistake agreeing to do this for him.”

Darcy takes the letter with a smile.

“No, it was good. I’m glad you did. He’s been with me every step of today, that’s because of you Janie. Thank you.” They hug, laughing a little tearfully before parting.

The silence in the apartment had been the empty lonely kind since she’d returned from the hospital.

Something about today had changed that. It wasn’t empty anymore. The memories they had shared filled the space again and she sank into the couch, toeing off her shoes and pulling her feet under her. She sat for a while, not really wanting it to be over, before she finally opened the letter.

She creased her brow in consternation. There wasn’t a letter. There was a post card, a picturesque town on the front. They had been there once, a year ago. I tiny little town upstate. She had loved how quiet it was, the peace and solitude, the simple life she’d joked. But she’d seen the same longing in his eyes that she had. She turned it over, noting the key taped to the back and only a handful of words underneath a set of lyrics from a song that had played on the radio over and over.

Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you But ain't nobody need you like I do I know that there's others that deserve you But my darling I am still in love with you

I left and never gave you a choice. I took it away from you. I hope you understand where this is going. This is me, giving it back.

James,

P.S. I love you.

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She pulls the car to stop outside the little house, the picket white fence freshly painted, flowers planted neatly in the yard. The porch rebuilt and painted. She takes a breath before she gets out of the car. Her heart has been beating like a drum the whole way here.

He’s sitting on the steps when she reaches the gate, his face filled with hope when he looks up and see’s her.

He looks so different. The long hair is gone, instead it’s cut cleanly, if a little too short, displaying the sharp relief of his cheekbones and jaw.

She can’t hold back the tears that break free or the shrill cry of his name as she crosses the yards separating them. Then he’s right there, in front of her, picking her up in his arms, gathering her close as she buries her face in his neck, breathing in the scent of him that she had missed so much.

“You came.” He whispers into her hair. He says the words like he can’t believe it.

“Of course I came, where else would I go? You’re the only future I ever wanted. Promise me this is forever?”

“I promise. I don’t want to spend another day without you, for the rest of my life, Doll.”

“Forever?” she prods again, not sure what she wants from him. But he answers, while pressing tiny kisses over her face.

“That’s the whole point, isn’t it? Forever?”

He takes her hand and presses something into her palm. The cool metal warms quickly, as gold is want to do, the gem twinkles in the porch light as she stares in disbelief.

“Bucky?”

“I’ll never be better, there’s too much that’s been broken and put back together, but… I’m better than I was. I’ve stopped running from it, stopped hiding. The me here now, the one asking you to take this chance? I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t all in Doll. You’re it for me, I was just too stupid to see it before. I don’t want to waste another day, not it you’re willing to take another chance on me. So, this is me asking, Darcy. Will you a take chance on this old soldier? Will you marry me? Will you let me spend the rest of my life making you as happy as you make me?”

She stands on her toes and kisses him hard.

“Yes, I will.”

@captain-rogers-beard

#love all the marvel ships #love all the marvel ships challenge #bucky/darcy #darcy/bucky #wintershock

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bluemoonpunch · 6 years ago

Note

Please do a mini reading of how bts members see jungkook too!!! Thank youuu 💜💜💜💜

This was fun to do because I haven’t really tapped into Kook’s energy in a while and it was just as annoyingly sporadic and endearing as I remember it, lol.

So, Kook’s card, the one I associate him with the most, is the Page of Wands and that was actually the first card to pop out once I connected with his energy, but I didn’t lay it down because I was like, lololololol, that’s too easy. Pulled again and I got the Page of Pentacles instead which still vibes with his Page-ness but it carries more of his earthy Virgo energy, as well as the more relaxed and calm energy that he carries in the center of the group.

Literally, when I started looking over the group collectively I was getting that sense that Kook really does have so much love and protection coming from all of them equally like there’s always someone watching him and checking in on him. This is really a huge comfort to him and it does make more sense that he would fall into the Page of Pentacles rather than the Page of Wands where he’s more settled and relaxed when he is in the group.

I think in either his Elemental Alignment reading (here), or his and Jimin’s relationship reading (here) I talked about how he’ll go back and forth between being a “grown-up” and being a “baby” and that’s kind of the vibe between going back and forth between the Page of Wands and the Page of Pentacles. When its the Page of Pentacles he feels more taken care of and he can relax, whereas when he’s in the Page of Wands mode he’s more independent and passionate towards his personal progress. He has more of a will to fight for himself in that state, rather than allowing other people to protect him.

-full reading under the cut-

Namjoon - King of Swords + The Empress

Namjoon, the Virgo with the outward-turned energy, sees Kook, the Virgo with the inward-turned energy, as someone who can put their mind to something and actually follow through with it in a way where the idea is fully formed in reality. In Namjoon’s mind this is a very stable and sure process that Kook has that allows him to, you know, be good at everything and seem so utterly perfect. There’s almost a bit of envy here with that but it’s the same kind of envy that Kook has towards Namjoon where, unknowingly, Kook just wishes he had outward turned energy while Namjoon wishes he could go back to being inwardly turned.

Also, I made a note of Namjoon seeing Kook as being very well balanced mentally and emotionally as the King and Empress show Kook’s extremely balanced and well developed Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine energy that he carries.

Yoongi - 6 of Swords

Of course, Mr. Pisces Man Min Yoongi would be the one to zero in on the heavier aspects of Kook. I’ve talked about this a million times as well, I think, about how Kook is horrendously sentimental and is one of those people that can never truly enjoy a big and happy moment completely because they are, in the back of their mind, thinking about how that moment is going to end and how it will just be a memory. The 6 of Swords is actually a great representation of that kind of vibe where Kook is “woefully moving forward.”

Again, I can’t remember if it was in his Elemental Alignment or somewhere else, but I mentioned that that was why his short films tend to be a bit somber even when there’s happy music. It’s like he’s making movies about events that happened 20 years ago, when really they were just a few weeks, even days before he started editing them together. He holds a lot of memories and emotion very close to him, and it’s not really a bad thing, it’s just that he feels that really heavy pit-in-your-stomach kind of nostalgia over things as they are happening.

Yoongi probably really picks up on that because it is such a deep emotional response that Kook has. So, Yoongi sees Kook progressing, growing up, maturing, which is fantastic, but he’s also seeing that slight resistance to the idea of leaving behind moments and feelings and experiences of the present moment, or of his childhood.

Hoseok - Knight of Cups

Okay, so like, they’re all Kook’s big brothers, but for sure, Hoseok is like the brotherliest of all the brothers. When I laid this card down I heard, “Isn’t he so handsome?!” but it was like a baby-talk kind of thing like something parents would say about their kid on prom night or some shit, lol. It was so full of this feeling of genuinely being proud of him and it was all very visual like Hoseok is very aware of the fact that he’s watched Kook grow up. Even more fitting is that the Knight comes after the Page, so it’s like… he sees Kook as having “leveled up.”

Other things that I wrote down were, “Look how nice and sweet he is!”, “I love him so much!”, “He’s all grown up!”

Like, I feel like Hoseok wouldn’t say those things flat out and definitely not like that unless it was more in a joking way, but like, he feels that for Kook. Like he has a lot of pride around him and the reason I say he feels more like a big brother than any of the other guys is that Kook’s actual brother has this same kind of vibe towards Kook. Honestly, I think Hoseok’s view was my favorite to tap into, lol.

Jimin - 3 of Cups + The World

For Jimin, Kook is a huge support for him and he brings around this vibe of both light-hearted fun and communication, but also this stable ground and something to hold onto. It’s kind of like the 3 of Cups is what he says, and The World is what he feels. In my head I was kind of seeing it like Jimin jokingly saying, “I love you” to Kook in like a funny voice with a funny face and they laugh about it and they continue to just sort of faff about like the 3 of Cups, but on the inside Jimin is like, “No, I legit love and appreciate you so much, you’re the dopest bitch in the game, you’ve done so much for me and you don’t even know.” Like there’s so much there, but it’s just… it’s like it’s literally the ground he walks on, and I think I made that comparison in their relationship reading (maybe?) that that is how stabilizing their relationship is for Jimin.

It’s a lot of equal exchange as well because Jimin takes care of Kook just as much as Kook takes care of Jimin, which would fall into the “harmony” aspect of The World and the “balance” with the 3 of Cups. Neither side in this relationship is empty-handed and that’s what Jimin sees. He sees everything that Kook brings into his life and that in turn contributes to him wanting to give back to him just as much.

Jin - Knight of Pentacles

This made me laugh because it vibes with Hoseok’s Knight in the sense that he and Jin are both seeing Kook as “leveling up” from the Page, but Jin’s is more like he’s seeing him as his apprentice. Which is funny because in How The Members See Jin reading (here), Kook had the 7 of Pentacles and I talked about how he was seeing Jin as a mentor in business and financial pursuits, which extended into him wanting to learn how to be just as stable, confident, and self-assured as Jin. So, it’s like, literally, Jin is taking that very seriously and is actually trying to teach him shit.

Also, I want to mention that this card and the vibe it holds did not match what I was seeing in terms of how Jin thinks of Kook. The visual in my head was literally Kook as a child, like a little kid, and that’s how Jin was seeing him, but the energy he’s extending to him is that of the Knight of Pentacles. He sees Kook as a kid and because of that he is more willing to supply that support and be there for him as a friend or a brother where more emotional and personal life lessons can be given, as well as playing into the more mentor-oriented lessons of like how to handle money, how to stand up for yourself, how go about making more friends for business.

Jin is a very aware person in terms of how he sees people, he’s very analytical, so I think he is very aware of Kook’s current state of transition from kid to adult, and he’s actually being like really caring towards that by acting as equal parts friend and mentor, which is really fucking rad. I think Jin is very significant in Kook’s life.

Taehyung - Ace of Swords + 10 of Cups

Soul Brother!

For this reading, I actually had less trouble connecting with Taehyung’s energy. I mean, it still wasn’t crystal clear, but I definitely got some visuals from him this time around that were very direct. The first thing I saw was lighting, like very bright lighting and that was synced up with the Ace of Swords. It was the inspiration. It’s kind of hard to explain because, of course, Taehyung’s energy always seems to make visuals creepy for me, but what I saw was the lightning strike and then, wIThiN ThE ShADowS, I saw Taehyung’s face be lit up and he was smiling so fucking big, and that’s the effect that Kook has on him. Kook is like this big light in his life that inspires him and gets him going.

The 10 of Cups actually carried a lot of the same energy as The World card for Jimin, and honestly, those cards are pretty similar in meaning, it’s just that The World is a major so it’s more like LIFE whereas the 10 of Cups is more like ~life~, but here they were the same. So, support and equal exchange between himself and Kook to the point where Taehyung is very, very aware of how much Kook actually brings to him in his life is just as prevalent here as it is with Jimin. That could play into the 3 of Cups thing as well since that card is more about… you know… three people rather than two, like the 2 of Cups.

This actually brought to mind that Bangtan Bomb where they were singing something together backstage or somewhere, and you could tell that Taehyung was like, trying to stop or he wasn’t feeling very confident with his voice, and Kook was like motioning to him to keep going and to finish the song with him. It’s like that, that’s the kind of light that he brings to Taehyung. It’s that inspiration to keep going and to “finish the song” and trust in his own abilities.

More than anything, I think that big ass smile of his that he had when the lightning hit was the thing that really stuck out to me in terms of the visuals that I got for him with this reading.

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munchflix · 6 years ago

Text

WATCHMEN - THE SUPER EXTENDED CUT

IMDB BLURB: In 1985 where former superheroes exist, the murder of a colleague sends active vigilante Rorschach into his own sprawling investigation, uncovering something that could completely change the course of history as we know it.

WARNINGS: Giant blue peen, large bepis. It's blue. Malin Ackerman can't act for shit. Attempted rape. Lots of murder. Some gore. Adult themes? Zack Snyder. Repulsive sex scene. It's not gross, it's just weird and uncomfortable. And unnecessarily long.

RATING: Who watches the Watchmen? Us...unfortunately.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this. And please please don’t watch this fucking movie.

MUNCH: I want you to know, first thing, that I will never forgive you for making me watch this for a THIRD TIME. I first saw this in the theatre on my birthday and it was awful then. I spent three hours waiting for it to get better and it didn't and now you're making us watch the super extended version with 30 more minutes of shit I DON'T WANT TO SEE. I am old and I was a fan of the comic long before this detritus was filmed. I was actually excited for this shit. This movie, like a lot of the movies we review once a year, is bad. It's pretty, it's well filmed, it has a brilliant cast, and it sucks like a Dyson trying to fellate a rubber chicken.

BISCUITS: Okay...I'm gonna be upfront about this. We're gonna have to be here for each other during this review. We need to BELIEVE in ourselves, and to share our mental fortitude. That might be the only way we'll be strong enough to make it through. Even then, there's no guarantee we'll make it...but if we do, we'll emerge from the other side as changed women, now knowing the true power that the bond of friendship can hold. Or not. Actually, we'll probably just end up sad. But the point is, we need to be here for each other.

M: The Nixon makeup is so bad. All this budget and he looks like a half melted wax statue.

These are the Nixons, folks.

B: Jeffrey Dean Morgan in old age makeup? I'd still smash that. The DOOMSDAY CLOCK! That's a reference to the comic! Get it?! We're JUST like the comic!

M: That's part of what bugs me, there's so many moments just taken straight out of the comic and then the rest of it is just Zack Snyder mentally masturbating about how cool he is.

B: Let me tell you younguns - long before the days of Suicide Squad and Batman V. Superman, Zack Snyder created the first of many tragic mistakes in the saga of "DC and Warner Bros. Attempt to Movie". It was dark, overdramatic, and had little substance behind its superficially good visuals. But Warner Bros. were all like "OMG Zach, look at all this money. Can you fuck ALL our beloved properties like this???"

M: Nostaaaaaalgia.

B: Okay, Unforgettable - this song was in the comic, it was in the book. It was playing in a scene in the comic but it was when Dan and Laurie tried to have sex for the first time. I don't understand the rationale behind using a song from the comic but putting it in a completely different scene. Why did you make that change? I don't understand why you would do that.

M: Watchmen in a nutshell. JESUS CHRIST I forgot that the explosions come in about 30 times louder than everything else.

B: Why is the Comedian wearing a smiley face pin on his bathrobe? Because of the symbolism??? Nostalgia. This is from the coooooooooomic. This is the first instance of inappropriate soundtracking, which is alright the first time but gets annoying when you do it over and over.

M: I have no idea. Oh yeah..the movie. The Comedian is fighting a mysterious figure that we'll figure out who it is later. Unless you've read the comic. It's Veidt. Slow zoom on the pin with the blood spatter because it's SYMBOLISM. Also the Comedian got thrown out a window. There's also been half an hour of slow mo and we're only 5 minutes into the movie.

B: *burps loudly* Bob Dylan, because there was a reference to a Bob Dylan song in the comic. Slow shots of our great heroes, The Minutemen. Zacc Snyder, fuck you. These were the original super hero dudes who spawned the existence of all the other masked vigilantes in this universe.

M: Gerard Butler??? Who the fuck is Gerard Butler?? Hang on, I have to look this up. Oh...he's in the Tales of the Black Freighter, which is only in this super-long ultra-extended edition.

This gif makes it look like Gerard Butler is playing Sally Jupiter. This is not the case (unfortunately?).

B: Which we're watching because we hate ourselves. Historical landmarks to set up the time period. Also Silhouette was a lesbian. Dollar Bill got killed when his cape got stuck in a revolving door. NO CAPES! Mothman went nuts and got put in an asylum. The minutemen turned out fine. Also Silhouette is dead. And Gay.

M: Bury your gays. She was only alive for two minutes of credits.

B: To be fair, she didn’t really have a role in the book either. Also, Kennedy is killed. By the Comedian. Which I suppose was implied in the comic...very vaguely. This is way too much exposition. We can read about history, we don't need a recap of every single event since 1940. We aren't that dumb, Zakk. There's more politics in this intro than exposition but Watchmen was supposed to be political. I have big problems with Matthew Goode....goode? How is that pronounced? Look at all that BEEF tho. Arby’s, I got ya new commercial right here.

I’ll take the one on the far left with cheese, please.

M: Slow the fuck down, jesus. I can't type as fast as you thirst. I'm gonna make you type this if you don't slow down.

B: Glad I'm not wearing a retainer. You think Jeffrey Dean Morgan would pay for it? Also Night Owl's costume looks so shitty.

M: Seriously, slow down. I have issues with how contoured Manhattan is.

B: And then everything went bad for the vigilantes and they got banned. This is SO LOUD. Tell Zaque Snyder I get spooked easily. I don’t like loud noises, I’m like a wild animal.

M: Oh yeah so the Comedian is dead. Two detectives wonder how he died. So mysterious. It was Veidt. Don't blame me if you didn't read the comic, it's been out for 30 fucking years.

B: My other issue with this movie, it doesn't ADD anything to it's source material. If I wanted just Watchmen I'd just read the comic. I could read most or all of it in the time it takes to watch this movie. So...Rorschach is ranting.

M: That's all he really does in this movie tho is rant.

B: All the towns in the world and I had to end up in this one. The ballsack town. Comedian kept a picture of Sally by his bed but that's backwards...she kept a picture of HIM on her bedside.

M: Rorschach found Comedian's secret closet where he went to be gay. Or a superhero. Or both. So he knows he's the Comedian.

B: Well, one or two of them were gay...a bunch of guys who wear their underwear outside their pants and this is somehow surprising? More slow mo.

M: This movie could be an hour and half shorter without all the pointless slo mo. Hollis is being played by Stephen McHattie and I love him so much.

B: Patrick Wilson (you can tell it’s Patrick Wilson because he looks exactly like Patrick Wilson) is playing Night Owl and he is a very good boy. The best boy. Although he doesn't have much competition for goodest boy, most of the boys are pretty bad. Hollis Mason is played up to be more Drunk Grandpa than caring mentor figure. Raw footage of Rorschach looking like FUCKING BIGFOOT. Your local cryptid.

*X-Files theme plays*

M: That was 20 seconds of super important extra footage that we missed from the original 3 hour long movie. Okay so movie, right. Drieberg goes home to find his home has been broken into. It's Rorschach. Eating beans. HUMAN BEANS. With HUMAN BEAN JUICE. We saw you lumbering around like Bigfoot on the news. Rorschach's mask is cool tho. One point for you, Zackk Snyder.

B: Rorschach, because he's a tinfoil hat conspiracy theorist is like " I think someone's killing masks" even tho only one mask person has died so far. Patrick Wilson is a good actor but his performance in this movie is so blech. I dunno if that was the direction he was given or...

M: Part two of things wrong with Watchmen. Lots of good actors giving boring performances. I love many of these actors but they're so dull.

B: Except Malin Ackerman. It was an experimental time, Chad! All of our Bro Moments. Our BROMENTS.

M: WHY CAN'T I QUIT YOU, CHAD?!

B: Maybe Drieberg quit on account of the Keene act because it started being illegal to do the thing, but Rorschach didn't because he’s crazy. And he's doing more edgelord monologuing.

M: Holy crap the animation.

B: And now with NO CONTEXT we get launched into the Tales of the Black Freighter. It's an anime, apparently. (makes angry angry noises ) this makes me SO mad because the Black Freighter, though a story within a story, had an explanation for its presence. It's being read by someone within the bigger story. In the movie it almost looks like it was animated by Ralph Bakshi. Like the people who did Jojo's Bizarre Adventure and Ralph Bakshi had a bad trip together.

This is what I see, every night in my dreams.

M: I guess this is being narrated by Gerard Butler?? This is so out of place. It takes you completely out of the immersion of the movie to show you this movie. That was super jarring though.

B: The comic had a lot more leeway when it came to blending the stories together. Oh and now we get a shot of someone reading the comic to bring us back. Rorschach in the comic was described as being fascinatingly ugly. I think Jackie Earl Haley is too good looking.

M: And Veidt. I hate everything they did with this entire fucking character. I hate the way he looks, the way he talks, the way he acts, the way he Veidts. I fucking hate him so much. I hate what they did with his story and the whole Manhattan cancer thing. It's DUMB.

B: Why is Dan here? It was Rorschach who warned Adrian. And they're talking about nuclear war, very important to the crux of everything. This lighting is ugly. It makes Veidt look like a greasy boy.

M: He IS a greasy boy.

B: Meeting with Dreiberg left bad taste in mouth. Like cold beans.

M: Rorschach is expositioning everything we've already seen, dialogue straight out of the comic.

B: Rorschach breaks in to see Manhattan. Rorschach asks the real questions: Does Adrian Veidt is gay??

M: That is a HUGE ASS. Btw Manhattan is naked. He is super naked. You will never be allowed to forget that he is naked.

B: Malin Ackerman shows up...to “act”.... The mention temporal interference already, so you won't be surprised at the end of the movie. They really overemphasize Manhattan's eye things. He looks like a sad panda. I have issues with his CGI, he is really over contoured and he looks really...weird....Laurie...stop talking. PLease. Don't act, don't try to act.

Pictured: Sad Panda

M: Now he's taking Laurie on some fucking weird time trip that was supposed to happen three hours from now in the story. Manhattan is just sad in this movie. All his rage and his indifference are gone. He's just sad. He tells her the future and he's sad about it. And now, 99 Luftballoons so we don't forget it's the 80's.

B: This wasn't how this happened in the comic EITHER. Zacque Snyder and his love of throwing random songs into movies with no regard for how they might impact the mood.

M: So Lori is having dinner with Dreiberg just like Jon told her too. I'm giving up on spelling any names right as of right now.

B: They reminisce about their young days when they fought crime and dressed up like lunatics and all that stuff. Ah those days are behind us. We're in our 40's but in the movie we're like 25. Jon thinks there's gonna be nuclear war and also he can't fix my bad acting. They turned Laurie into such a sexy lamp in this movie. They strip everything away from her that made her interesting. I am laurie, I am GIRL. Who needs oxygen when you have another man's money.

You so. Fuckin. Precious. When you. Smile.

M: The Sound of Silence begins playing. We both laugh and denounce Zaeck Snyder and the horse he rode in on.

B: Should have been Take me to Church. I didn't realize how awful the soundtracking was in this movie the first time. They just throw in recognizable songs.

M: Comedian is getting buried. Rorschach is here and Manhattan and Dreiberg. And Simon and Garfunkle. It's not making this scene better. It's making it so much worse. Lori has been randomly teleported to her mothers with zero context. Her mother is Carla Gugino who deserves better than being in this fucking movie. They quote dialogue right from the comic. Did Zaquery Snyder write ANY dialogue for this movie? Her old age makeup is fucking awful and she is overacting this so hard.

B: And then we have the flashback to old days where the Comedian tries to rape her. The entire purpose of this flashback in one sentence. That's the plot point. From the comic. That we need to get into the movie somehow. I suppose they're going for show don't tell. At the moment i'm just focused on how it extends this torturous experience.

M: I have a lot of issues with this part. He beats her far more severely in the movie. They start the scene almost making it look like she did ask for it with all the slow undressing. It's so fucking unnecessary.

B: And then Hooded Justice comes in and this doesn't make sense in the movie when Comedian asks him if he gets off on this. But since they don't get into this in the movie...I think they're just trying to get us to go OH THE COMEDIAN IS A BAD GUY, HE'S SUCH A BAD GUY. We can get that. Why does everything in this movie take so long?

M: Everyone is having flashbacks to their time with Eddie. Manhattan is blowing up the entirety of the viet cong while the Comedian shoots people and Ride of the Valkyries is playing for no reason.

In awe at the size of this lad.

B: NEXT TIME YOU INVITE JON.

M: And then we get the Comedian is a horrible person but AGAIN because he's gonna shoot this woman he knocked up and Jon doesn't stop him. Jon is so fucking ripped that even fuzzed out in the background you can see every muscle.

B: They tell the story of how Eddie got his scar even though he doesn't...have it in the movie? Yeah I killed that woman I knocked up but you didn't stop me because you don't care and well...you're not wrong.

M: And now Veidt gets to have HIS flashback so we can be sure that the Comedian really was an asshole. The Comedian informs everyone that their plan is garb while Jon and Laurel Ann make goo goo eyes at each other which will become relevant an hour ago because they're obviously a couple NOW. He sets Ozymandias’ (Veidt's) map on fire to emphasize his point.

B: Ozymandias will remember that. Watchmen would make a great Telltale game. And Dan has his American Dream flashback where the Comedian is helping with crowd control and we don't care what's going on because the Comedian looks DAMN HOT. In slow mo.

M: Biscuit's thirst meter has increased tenfold.

B: What happened to the American Dream? You're looking at it. Just as beefy and greasy as I imagined it. He had a really nice arm vein going on in that scene. I have a gif of that for uh...research purposes. Very swole.

Pictured: The American Dream

M: I just realized that I don't really thirst after anyone in this movie. The comedian is hot because Jeffrey Dean Morgan but my thirst level is so low comparatively. The only main chick is Malin Ackerman and uh...no.

B: You're getting gayer the older you get.

M: I can't even deny that.

B: Moloch! He's a former supervillian of sorts and Rorschach is chasing him down because uh...I don't know. He just shows up and is like Hey fuck you buddy.

M: I still want an explanation for why Moloch alone has pointed ears. Nobody else in the entire movie has that kind of deformity.

B: And he's like The Comedian just showed up in my house! He was drunk and crying! We've all been there. We've all broken into our former nemesis's house drunk and crying. Maybe that's just me...

M: Except that's what really happened....

B: And the Comedian is like - I did some fucked up shit but this is worse! The shit this unnamed bad guy is doing worse! And he says that Moloch and Manhattan’s old girlfriend are on some mysterious list!

M: It's Veidt. Rorschach tries to nail Moloch for taking a medication made from apricot pits. Which are POISONOUS BTW, DO NOT EAT THEM. Rorschach spends fucking ten more minutes slow mo fucking monologuing about shit we already know and JUST SAW. There's so much extra shit in this movie that does not need to be here. He sounds like fucking Wolverine. Is that Hollis?

B: I can't even tell because this movie is SO DARK. We get a feeble attempt to connect newspaper man and the animated comic.

M: At least it's less jarring. Comic man drools excessively for no reason. They're even leaving bits of THIS story out and making it even weirder and more disparate than it needs to be. Fucking why.

The nightmares, they never stop.

M: Okay Jesus they went from that straight to Loorie and Jon trying to have sexxors and this is so wrong and out of place. And then Jon is six people.

B: god. jon. stop. what are u doing? I took a theatre class in high school and all those kids were better actors than Malin Ackerman. Which is bad because Laurie is an integral character in Watchmen. This happened way earlier and this is why she ran away to Dan in the comic, but it's fine. It's fine. Whatever. I don't care. She gets mad but not really because acting.

M: Jon underacts but that's his entire thing. This is so disjointed. Jon is teleporting reactors to Karnak while they argue. This will be relevant later.

B: Three bepis, no FOUR! Too much bepis for my needs. Or not enough...

M: Jesus Christ.

B: And NOW laurie shows up at dan's place. We needed to drag this out because we were REALLY stretching to get this movie to feature length, y’know?? We were really scraping at the bottom of the Watchmen barrel for content. There's just not enough material to get a good long juicy film out of it.

M: Can we just skip this whole part? I'll summarize. Laurie and Dan spend half an hour whining at each other because Laurie and Jon had a fight and they kinda wanna bang but that will take three hours to get to as well for no good goddamn reason. Meanwhile Jon is putting on a suit to do a tv interview.

B: There's a lot of scenes of Dan and Laurie but there's no chemistry at all between them and there's no buildup to their actual relationship. Even Dan is so nothing in this movie and I liked him. And there's an article from the comic because this is JUST LIKE THE COMIC.

M: Why are they...oh they're going to Hollis...but this isn't how it happened. They literally make this longer for no reason.

B: I know it would be really hard to cut anything from Watchmen, because pretty much everything is significant - there's no material that can really be removed that wouldn’t be missed in the final product. BUUUT they just added a whole ton of meaningless shit to this damn movie! At the expense of scenes we actually wanted! Dr Manhattan has his tv interview. This is not gonna go well. Everyone is like wtf are you talking about Jon. Dan and Lori beat up a bunch of thugs because uh...they're living for thrills?

M: Some reporter dude stands up and starts shit with Manhattan. He accuses him of giving everyone cancer. I'm sorry I caused all that cancer. You'd think Jon would KNOW whether or not he caused cancer...he was a fucking physicist.

B: Jon doesn't know whether or not he's radioactive. Spoiler alert: he ain't. He's just had his intrinsic fields removed - really simple procedure, like taking out the appendix.

M: *cronches pizza rolls*

B: A lot less screen time for Janey Slater in the movie, too. She's like "PRETTY PATTIES TURNED MY FACE PURPLE!!!" and then Doc Manhattan teleports everyone out of the studio because he's very emotional rn. That makes...one person in this movie with intense emotions.

M: You're right there...nobody in this movie really shows much in the way of emotion. Everyone's just sorta like "well, the world's going to shit - huh." I REALLY don't like the way they incorporated Tales of the Black Freighter into this movie.

B: Idec what's happening in this stupid anime. Man wants to get home before the freighter. Builds raft out of bloated corpses. Freaky eyes. It's supposed to parallel various elements of the 'real world' storylines but it's so jarring that drawing those connections becomes nigh on impossible. In the comic, panels from TotBF were often right alongside panels from the main story, but you couldn't really do something like that in a movie. They also still don't really do anything with the newspaper corner bits.

M: Did they actually show Dr. Manhattan leaving Earth?

B: No. Not yet.

M: So they just throw us into this scenario?

B: Yep. Dr. Manhattan got ANGERY and was like "y'know what? I'm going to Mars to deliver some exposition!! Way later than this happened in the comic, but who gives a flying fuck??" And we sorta get the explanation of the way Jon perceives time - but again, much less effective than it was in the comic. Everything in this movie is so DARK. 'Dark and gritty' doesn't usually refer to the visuals of a story.

M: Jon got stuck in an experimental machine where they were doing SCIENCE. He got disintegrated.

B: Just look at the SYMBOLISM...I mean, uh, the time. Jon's narration sounds like ASMR. He eventually manages to reassemble himself, but now he's blue....and nAkEd.

M: This giant naked blue dude shows up and Janey is just like "Jon?? Is that you??"

B: Jon is super-powerful, so the govt lords him as a weapon and uses him to help end the Vietnam war, and a lot of references to nuclear power.

M: I know his symbol is supposed to be a hydrogen atom, but it kinda looks like the power button on an Xbox.

Particle man, particle man...

B: This movie feels significantly gorier than the comic...which is not necessary. Janey is worried about how powerful Jon is - or she just wants him to put some fuckin' pants on.

M: Speaking of things that take you out of the movie - Jon's ENTIRE backstory in one flashback. Worked in the comic, not in the movie.

B: Jon macks on a 16 year old girl and is like - why is this a problem? My girlfriend is getting old, I gotta get a new one. Also I'm tired of earth. Going to mars.

M: We literally zoom out from Jon's ass crack.

B: There is no reason to put a physical or cgi camera that close to anyone's ass crack.

M: Jon has fucked off and now they're interrogating Laurie about where he went. She randomly assaults one of them because she can? Why are we having this slo mo smoking moment? And now another flashback to the Comedian... oh right, we have to have Laurie's version of why this guy was a douchebag.

B: Eddie's like, you think I'd fuck my daughter? And Sally is like - yah you might.

M: The gubmint is freaking out because their giant blue naked nuclear weapon has gone to Mars. I hate the Nixon makeup so much. He looks so fake. They wasted their budget on Manhattan's cock. I can't believe we still have 2 hours of this shit left.

B: (separate tangent about her cat) I'd rather focus on my cat than this movie. Why is this scene happening? Why is it significant? Is it supposed to increase the tension with the whole nuclear war thing??

M: I don't know. Why is it going on for so long? They figured out he's on mars because there's a blue spot? Uh...Laurie is beating up a guy and chaining him to a radiator? What....What did that have to do with ANYTHING? The gubmint is now attacking Veidt for trying to create free energy...?

B: This scene is just for Ozymandias to explain his backstory...I guess??

M: I honestly have no idea what's going on.

B: It's supposed to parallel the scene in the comic where he talks about Alexander the Great and stuff...

M: This happened at the END of the comic tho.

B: But here it's just...confusing. The choices they made just generally leave you feeling confused. Not like the comic did. It's ‘Vight’. I'm right.

Adrian Veidt is gay is the most discussed in the media in the few years ago.

M: Oh and now the scene where a hitman shows up disguised as a pizza guy so we can slow mo more totally excessive gore.

B: There was plenty of violence in the comic but...you can be dark and edgy without being this damn gory. Dan and Laurie have yet another meaningless conversation at a table and now Dan is suddenly on board with Rorshach's paranoia??

M: And Dan invites her to come over but in the comic she literally ran to him immediately after Jon left. Jesus now Rorshach is fucking monologuing again. They're fucking with the order of events again and it's pissing me off.

B: They don't seem to do it with any rhyme or reason. You have to make changes to adapt to a medium but there's zero apparent reason for the changes in chronology...

M: Rorschach breaks into Moloch's house so he can get caught again. Why the fuck would Moloch know about any of this??

B: But Moloch is dead. It was a SET UP.

M: I'm losing all plot cohesiveness because of all this nonsense. I can't remember what actually happened. Ten minutes of Rorshach slow mo fighting his way out but he's gonna get caught because Veidt organized all this but they don't tell you that in the movie because of reasons.

B: We're not explaining a lot of the plot because it's happening so slowly. They caught Rorschach. They takin' im to prison.

M: Rorschach don't care. He got shit to do. And now maybe back to the animation...? Yes.

B: They do like 1/16th of this shit with the newstand corner. They should have just not at all done it. They just seem like framing to put the Black Freighter in there.

M: Except they don't do it every time, and that makes it worse. And they made weird ass changes to this story too. It's supposed to parallel what's happening in the main story but it's making NO SENSE.

B: This also adds nothing to the story and it breaks the immersion.

M: It mostly seems like an excuse to be gross. And now for Rorschach's mental health evaluation.

B: He's psycho bonkers crazy. Part of the concept of Watchmen is that everyone has issues. The complex psychology.

Look inside your local garbage and you may find a friend and boy.

M: Aw who cares about that. Let's shoot off some more fingers! We get his entire backstory in very very short flashbacks. He's still nuts.

B: This was over the course of quite a while in the comic.

M: Yeah but suddenly we're pressed for time in the seven hour long movie so we gotta condense his entire story into a ten minute scene. Which makes this feel rushed, which is fucking weird considering how drawn out every fucking thing in this movie is.

B: The comic felt like a bunch of stories being told at once but all tying in together at a certain point. Convergent stories The movie feels like a bunch of different stories that happen and then they're over. They're not tying anything together. (Biscuits starts singing Linkin Park because this part is so fucking dark)

M: So he's telling this story about how he killed a guy for kidnapping a girl and Biscuits is looking up the name of that song because she can't remember what it's called and still singing.

B: It's called Shadow of the Day...it’s like the one Linkin Park song I know

M: Okay. And Rorschach is gonna....kill this guy with a hatchet???

B: That is NOT how that happened. He tied him up and set that house on fire. But now he's gonna hit that guy in the head 20 times. And now he's Rorschach. There is no Laura, only Zuul.

M: ...Dana!!

B: Oh...Dana....is that from...

M: Ghostbusters!

B: I didn't wanna say it and have you be like - No it's from the Exorcist!

M: That would have been pretty funny in the exorcist. There is no Pazuzu, only Zuul.

B: Rorschach delivers the iconic line - I'm not locked in here with you, you're locked in here with me. The angrier he gets the more gravelly his voice gets. Meanwhile back at the ranch...Lori looks at Dan's shit.

M: You gotta be more specific. In this movie it might be actual shit. She's looking at this ship.

B: He's got some cool etchings, and a stamp collection. She sets things on fire. In the comic she thought it was the cigarette lighter. That's not how you put out a fire.

Laurie is an expert firefighter.

M: She doesn't have any brains.

B: She's an animatronic being controlled offscreen. Everything is so bland in this movie. We really aren't given any reasons to connect with Dan and Laurie.

M: This scene isn't helping either. It's boring and we don't care what's happening because we don't fucking care about Dan and Looooooorie. I can't think of a couple with less chemistry than these two.

B: Do you know what this means??

M: Yes.

B: We're getting close to the sex scene. It's like a case study in how not to do a sex scene in a movie. It's like the most awkward horrible thing that can be done. These scenes were in the comic, but not like this.

M: They're not gonna bang right now anyway because Dan can't get it up because uh...Adrian isn't doing gymnastics in the background and Unforgettable isn't playing.

B: Patrick Wilson's titty.

M: Did we really need to...

B: It's okay. Patrick Wilson is reasonably attractive. I would give those titties a six. Maybe a seven. Compared to having to see Malin Ackerman's tits, I would give them an 11. They're better than Manhattan's tits, which are cgen and disgustingly hyperdetailed.

M: BACK TO RORSCHACH. Who is being threatened by a little person named Big Figure because that's fucking funny. I guess. But it's also canon. And now Dan's dreaming but there's no actual meaning here because they do it wrong.

B: It really would have been better to put that in there after Dan and Laurie stop trying to bang instead of going to Rorschach?

M: And then IMMEDIATELY back to the animated parts with NO warning.

B: That was the worst editing I've ever seen. Sharks are eating the corpse boat.

M: I'm so confused. How did that shark get back up into the boat thing....

B: Who the fuck cares anymore.

M: Back to reality?? Snoop Dogg threatens the comic reading man because uh...

B: Snap back to reality...OH there goes gravity...something about spaghetti. And now back to Dan who is staring naked at his suit. There's too many behinds in this movie.

M: Are you gonna rate it?

B: I like plenty of naked behinds in other contexts.

M: I'm not even gonna ask.

B: Dreiberg is pretty ripped for being supposedly flabby and old. Laurrrrrie decides they should go fight crime.

Unfortunately, Malin Akerman.

M: Night Owl's costume is so bad. Like Ozymandias’ costume and...most of the costumes.

B: Laurie's costume is mostly see through because she can't fight crime if she's not sexy. We don't get any explanation of Dan's bird love in the movie. He's a good bird boy. That's a tongue twister.

M: They're saving people from a fire. I kinda want to go take a nap.

B: Why is he shooting into the burning building???

M: I don't know! Oh it's a water tower.

B: I thought he was just shooting up a burning building.

M: I'm sorry but she would be DEAD from that backdraft. There is no way. So now they gotta drop people off so they can bang in the owlship. Which I don't wanna see. SKIP.

B: This isn't how this happened in the comic at all.

M: Back to Rorschach again. They don't do the whole language pun thing which was so fucking cool in the comic. Big Figure. Small world. Why is all Rorschach's shit cut out??? Don't tell me they didn't have time. They see one dead guy and they know Rorschach is alive?

B: Professional dead guy appraiser.

M: Oh yeah there's a whole prison riot going on but we don't know why in the movie because they don't explain it.

B: Now Dan and Lari are gonna beat up some guys but it's so fucking dark it's like I'm watching Fan4stic. More slow mo.

M: They had to cut Rorschach's story to make time for all the slow mo.

B: I hate Night Owl's outfit. Leri's doesn't look anything like the comic either. I punched that guy! I'm a strong independent woman!

M: Rorschach goes to kill Big Figure in the bathroom which also fucks up what happened in the comic. Luri calls Rorschach an idiot and they start bitch fighting but Dan is like come on we gotta go. We have an hour left. We have to start building each other up.

B: (sings Livin' on a prayer )

M: NOT HOW THIS HAPPENED EITHER. Jon shows up after they get back and kidnaps Liri to mars where there's no air because he's a dick like that.

B: Diet bepis.

M: Laurie somehow knows she's on Mars because there's a giant glass sculpture there. Like on Mars. You know. Back to Snoop and his gang who randomly decide to take out Night Owl but pick the wrong one and beat up Hollis. Poor Hollis.

Yep, definitely Mars.

B: Obviously the editors don't care about the timeline either. Liri's mother is on the phone with Hollis talking about what happened the night before but I thought this was the same night? Who genuinely cares?

M: This movie is rated almost 5 stars on Amazon. You go Hollis, punch at least one of em!

B: The gang beats up Hollis and kills him because it's JUST LIKE THE COMIC. Hollis has flashbacks while he's getting killed. And killed by his own award. But we don't get the scene where he GOT the award. It's fine. I'm not mad.

M: Back to fucking Rorschach and Dan and Laurie and I'm tired of typing that sentence. Rorschach suddenly is sure it's the pyramid people doing all the bad but he has no fucking evidence? Dan lays the smack down and the bromance can continue.

Just like back in college...

B: We're just two dudes in a rad bromance....They're going to an underworld bar because they're looking for seedy dudes.

M: How would these dudes even know about the pyramid thing?

B: That's just how Rorschach do. Follow the money. Rorschach writes a lot of youtube conspiracy videos.

M: Dan finds out some dude helped kill Hollis.

B: Also back on Mars...ugh..his dick is moving back and forth and I know that’s realistic but ugh...It’s different when it’s just a still panel in a comic and not...this...you're made of molecular nothingness, can't you just suck it up into your body or something?

M: Back on Mars Jon goes on his seven hour long predestination trip while his dick wiggles.

B: Jon I have feelings, pls believe me.

M: You can't fucking...you can't...you can't fucking take all this dialogue and re-arrange it and make it work. It doesn't work, now it just seems empty and nobody cares. Lauree was having a total breakdown because Jon wanted HER to make him save the entire earth and now just stand there looking bored.

B: Dan and Ror have broken into Veidt's office searching for answers. Dan is an expert hacker. Creator's name was Jeff Jeff, born on the eighth of Jeff, 19-Jeffity-Jeff. So I put in 'Jeff'.

M: Do they even mention in the movie that Adrian Veidt is supposed to be like, the 'smartest man in the world'? Actually, we don't really learn anything about Veidt in this movie...What do we really know about him? He's rich? He makes plans? Possibly homosexual?

B: *Hacker voice* I'm in. Boys Folder, iconic. Veidt doesn't really keep his most secret government and corporate secrets very...well-hidden. Next to his boys, yanno.

M: Adrian had a team of like three people in the comic. His suit...

B: It has nip- It has NIPPLES!!!

M: *chokes to death laughing* I've never heard anyone so angry about nipples in my whole life.

A toast, to my suit’s nipples.

B: Did Batman and Robin teach the human race nothing???!!? Nipples on superhero costumes = a bad idea. Veidt has killed all his scientists. AND NOW - My Bubastis rant. Whhyyyyy is Bubastis in this fucking movie??????? She just shows up in this scence with NO EXPLANATION. Just, "oh hey...Ozymandias has a giant mutant lynx." and why would she even EXIST in this continuity - he doesn't need the eugenics program in this version of the story. Was he just like "I want a mutant cat, please make me one."

M: How do we still have 50 minutes of movie left??? Oh, I guess...Tales of the Black Freighter. This is still going on. Crazy guy has reached land and kills some people, believing his hometown has been taken over....who really cares. Was there really anyone clamoring for them to put this into the movie?

B: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

M: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

B: NO TRANSITIONS, YEAH!

M: Now we're back to have the least impassioned discussion about saving the world ever. "Jon, no, everyone will die...." That's not how this happened - that's not how ANY of this happened. Y'know what, Jon, ya big naked blue freak...

B: Laurie sounds like a teenager who's mad that her parents won't buy her a car.

M: "Do that thing you do..." This is making me irrationally angry, and I've seen this TWICE.

B: This part makes me SO mad. Irrationally mad. They fuck this up so much. We do not get any context to explain how much Laurie hated the Comedian, and why him being her father is such a big deal.

M: Also, in the comic, it was a big deal that Laurie had this realization of her own volition. It came naturally as she tried to fight back her past memories (which were not at all like this), instead of just being magically brought out by Jon.

B: They completely squander Laurie's biggest moment of emotional development, in turn squandering Jon's turning point in deciding to save the world

M: I liked the whole snowglobe bit in the comic...I thought that was like really powerful, but in this she just...throws a temper tantrum.

B: Ugly cry face. At least...I think she's crying. Might just have smelled some expired doppelganger. Jon's speech about life is also...rushed. And they leave out my favorite line. “Come, dry your eyes, for you are life - rarer than a quark and unpredictable beyond the dreams of Heisenberg.”

Acting, I think...

M: Laurie looks like she doesn't understand a single thing Jon's saying to her right now. "Jon...you're talking science again, and I don't understand it."

B: I've already complained about the inappropriate scoring. It hasn't gotten any better.

M: So Dan and Ror are heading to Antartica at record fucking speed. Rorschach tries to tell Dan how to drive the fucking ship Dan designed and built. All Along the Watchtower is playing at record loudness for no reason. Somehow they made it to Antartica in five minutes.

B: They're heeeeeere.

M: If Veidt knew they were coming why wouldn't he just open the door instead of letting them fry it with lasers? Veidt is sitting there pretending that he doesn't notice them creeping in to kill him. Suddenly we are shown that Veidt is somehow some superhuman fighter and gymnast which wasn't included in the movie at all.

B: Come on and SLAM. Hello there, sailors.

M: And now for some exposition while a vigorous swordfight is going on. Not really. Veidt is still going on and on about how smart he is and how he organized all this shit.

B: As with any mystery, it ends with the villian explaining how he did everything.

M: In the comic he literally says he's not a comic villian and wouldn't do that, but you know.

B: I could have sworn there was an alien in here....like there was something vaguely about an alien?? This is alien invader erasure and I will not tolerate it. That would break the suspension of disbelief, I guess. If Veidt wanted to make an alien and use that to unite the world.

M: Yeah that would be bonkers, especially in a world where giant naked blue men with god powers exist.

B: He is smart enough not to monologue BEFORE he pulled off his evil plan.

M: And now we see earth exploding or whatever because of Veidt and uh...suddenly we're back at the fucking animated comic.

B: The whole idea of him uniting the world against Manhattan just doesn't click for me. The alien was supposed to be neutral, to be anomalous. It also doesn't make sense that he would drive Jon to leave earth.

M: Way to pull us the fuck out of the super important ending. Slow zoom back out to the kid reading the comic who complains that it makes no sense. I feel you kid.

B: They're trying to pull everything together here with the clock and the therapist guy and everything but it was all crushed by the alien invader but now it's just Dr Manhattan's..energy force?? But they'll be able to recognize that it was Manhattans? Didn't they know that Veidt was trying to use his energy too??

M: Yes.

B: Oh it's bad. Oh no.

Bubastis’ one moment in the movie...

M: Jon and Lurie return to earth post uh..time bomb or whatever. Jon realizes the energy signature is here. He is not muddled or confused or anything though like he is in the book, so he just immediately goes to Antartica to kick Veidt's ass but then immediately goes through the intrinsic field subtractor like a fucking moron. Why would this even effect Jon? Why would the smartest man alive not figure out that it wouldn't work?

B: Laurie says things....she shoots Veidt but he catches the bullet because he's uh..just that radical. Stuff is happening.

M: For not being a comic book villian Veidt is super fucking acting like a goddamn comic book villian. Jon shows up all super huge now and he's kinda mad at Veidt. But not that mad. Veidt uses his magical remote control to show melty face Nixon demanding peace.

B: And this works because...why not?

M: Because the fucking movie has to end SOMETIME. In the comic there were hundreds of screens showing everything but you know...America. Veidt is like - this is our victory Jon and Jon SHOULD be like - you used me to blow people up dude. Fuck you.

B: Uh uh, can't do that, you'll screw up the peace! Rorschach is like fuck no, I ain't keeping this a secret.

M: I'd side with Rorschach with this tbh, Veidt is a fucking madman. He's like the fucking Governor from the Walking Dead. Ror goes out to try and tell the world but Jon kills him.

B: But of course he wouldn't do that, he told the world 35 minutes ago!

M: He literally did. Rorschach explodes and Dan gets all sad. That was my favorite Rorschach! Now Patrick Wilson's ugly cry face.

I loved that Rorschach like a Rorschach...

B: Jon decides to leave and Laurie is like but why and he's like - well I can't go back to earth NOW.

M: I don't understand why Dan is trying to kick Veidt's ass now. He already agreed to let the mass murder slide. Veidt seems unconcerned.

B: We don't get the whole nothing ever ends quote either, which was a big deal in the comic.

M: They fucked the ending hard though. Like with a chainsaw.

B: They fucked the whole movie hard. With like 17 giant dicks. This shit is way fucked.

M: So I guess Dan and Lbrbbrie go back home? And visit her mom cos you know.

B: And all the reconciliation Lrry had to do in the comic is reduced to one pathetic encounter with her mother. And it means NOTHING because we only get one little scene where Loree is SAD. The whole movie is this way. It's just a bunch of stuff that HAPPENS.

M: I don't give a shit about any of these characters. There's a lot of Lyrie and Dan kissy facing and talking about stuff that doesn't matter now.

B: Nothing ever ends but that's not..at all the way it was supposed to be done...at all.

M: WHY ISN'T THIS OVER, GOD. Straight outta the fucking comic we get the last bit where the greasy kid pulls Rorschach's fucking notebook out of the crank file to publish it so 30 years later they could write the mess that is Doomsday Clock.

B: Not EVEN gonna get into that. That's a whole other screaming fit. But that’s a comic, not a movie.

M: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

B: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

M: I don't have any closing thoughts. I'm tired of typing. I hate this movie. I hate what they do to every fucking Alan Moore venture. He deserves better. Write less deep shit Alan and they might actually do you right one day.

B: I find the existence of this movie to be a highly overrated phenomenon. I do, however, fucking love the My Chemical Romance cover of Desolation Row.

Munch and Biscuits out, yo.

#watchmen #munchflix #alan moore #comic #comics #movie #bad movie #dr. manhattan #the comedian #rorschach

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