#Self harm implications

[owlbloop]

I remember being so small

That when I was held

I felt safe

-

Too young for boy and girl

Ugly, old, death, and garish

Laid in softness

-

A dessert bar on my birthday

I called the best day ever,

Not knowin'

I doomed myself

To a future

Without fireworks

-

I remember rollin' down grass hills,

Runnin' so fast nobody could keep up,

Lovin' my princess hair

And sparkly red shoes

-

And I remember bein' examined

Like a rare bug,

Told I wasn't just a princess

But a damsel locked in a tower

My hair being' stroked

An whispers, that I was beautiful

A Dorothy, a dress up doll, a toy

-

Doll, doll, doll, doll

How many times did I hear that word,

Did I cradle mine gently

Pull them into hugs like honey drips

So they would not be frightened?

-

And I remember the day

When I realized what porcelain meant,

When I tried so hard to run

But fell behind,

My body burnin', cracked inside,

-

The doctors grabbing me

The empty room

Empty efforts,

Empty words

-

Fallin' behind over an over,

Til I quit track,

Lost my taste for runnin' shoes,

Changed 'em for ballet flats

-

I remember bein' taken from my classes,

Taught about vanilla,

Taught about chocolate,

Taught potential

-

110 percent,

If it doesn't break ya,

If it doesn't leave blood on the bathroom floor,

Then it's not enough

-

You have to bleed to be noticed,

To be worth it,

The more you bleed,

The more you gotta bleed

-

Cry, scream, hate, sure

Just don't where others might see

Don't complain when they take

The only thing ya own

-

Not your brain,

Not your gifts,

Not your blood or body,

But clothes

-

Gods, I remember how much I hated those uniforms

-

Can't spell?

You gotta draw the words into your system

No, you have to cut the accent,

Cut the frills,

Cut the talking,

-

If you speak like your home

You'll sound uneducated

Y'all, ain't, chess pie, and bible study

It's not classy

-

I remember learning

That I was too smart,

Too pretty, too special,

For the silver swirling in my mouth

For the pen that sat easiest in my hand

-

I remember hiding

From my mother, stretched too thin

My father, who's rare presence made me ill

The teachers who treated me

Like a well bred or rabid dog

The students who used me

Like a queen on a chessboard

-

My only safe place

The peace of hymns

And the stained wood of the chapel benches

Praying to a trinity that promised

Even love for the refuse

And asked nothing but shared devotion in return

-

I held that promise like a lifeline

Held the love of a conglomerate I'd never seen

When I couldn't imagine making it to tomorrow

The only kindness I could find

-

And I remember when I discovered

That people had contaminated it

And that people hated it

Hated me for this infection

Mocked me for my foolishness

For loving the raft beneath my limbs

And I found I couldn't blame them

-

When I discovered

My world was dying

Not some island I couldn't pronounce

But my fireflies and monarch eggs

My future

Half the planet wanted me dead

And the other half would trade me

For a 99 cent popcorn upgrade

-

That the accent I thought I hid

Still marked me as different

Then buried it so far

It may well be gone

-

That the future I fed myself

Growing up beneath the bed

Will probably mean nothing

No matter how hard I try

-

And I remember still

That I used to be too small for any of this

Too small to be afraid of assault and abuse

Too small to worry about etiquette and workload

-

I'm trying to keep that close

Because no matter what comes

There is nothing that can change the good that has already happened

Or take the love for the world from my bones

[luzxii]

Father - Daughter Talk

(he is usually an asshole but will make an exception for his daughter- he would realistically be ooc in this as he'd probably make something up instead of actually being honest with her but let me dream)

[whyamiheretumbled]

dum vent artTW:Self Harm, Drool, Mature text

How it feels to be hyper sexual for m3

[rowan552]

would anyone wanna see my $h scars? i feel like posting something $h related but i get checked a lot :[

[swollenbabyfat]

I don't really believe that "everything has a silver lining", sometimes things are just horrible and painful, and can just cause more suffering for those effected to try and find the bright side in such cases.

That being said, I think it's also okay for those suffering to try and find some beauty in the pain, inevitably it will change you regardless, and if you can have it move you towards something more livable then you should do so. Death takes more than just the person whose died, be as kind to yourself as you can, coping looks different for everyone, making beautiful things and experiences is how I deal with it.

Anyways, some of my favorite illustrations from Failgirl Fluttershy.

[syn0vial]

reading the boba fett junior novels as a kid: mace windu is the bad guy!!!! >:(((

reading the boba fett junior novels as an adult: jango fett i'm coming for your fucking kneecaps

[the-satellite]

I am thinking about. The blood n knife n alcohol in Boone's room. And the broken mirror.

[statementlou]

I am gonna say something crazy so please don’t get angry at me. I think among all of this that is happening right now, people should leave Liam alone and i am not saying this as some crazy ass defender who believes that “boys are innocent 😣”. I am saying this because i agree with people saying that Liam is lost. He is distressed and I believe he reads all this shit that is said about him and goes back to his old addictions, which will lead only to more destruction and we are here talking not even about him, but about people AROUND HIM. Think about it for a second before you try to ease you stress and life anger by keeping on talking about him on social media. If his coping mechanism that he picked up since 1d days (that he talked about) is drinking as an answer to all stress and shit that has been happening, then if goes back to drinking every time he is distress and probably online stuff is part of it, then he will keep on hurting more people around him. And if we are really wanna be on “side of the victims” then Ignoring his person for some time will be a better option than keeping hate on him.

I just don’t want more people to be hurt by him and i am almost 90% sure that Liam lurks on socials to see what people talk about him. And let’s be honest, bad or good, nobody reacts well on online hate and again, i think it’s better for people to not cause Liam to go back to drinking (if he didn’t already) so he would go and hurt more people, because people under influence are unpredictable and completely unaware of their actions which makes them more dangerous. And Liam will become more agressive and more dangerous if he will not sober up completely . He has to stop drinking at ALL to calm down. He needs some proper therapy and have to cut off alcohol and any kind of addiction that he has (god fucking knows) from his life. I felt like Teardrops was a sign of finally taking a good turn, but i guess addictions are way more harder to beat ( never been addicted, thankfully, but had people around me who had been :) )

ok well first of yes, Liam does lurk on socials and check what people are saying about him and take to to heart: he has told us so, his sister has said so, and Maya has said so. Liam's sister has, like you, asked people to take on responsibility for his mental health by doing or not doing certain things online (this was a while back, not just now); Maya on the other hand has asked that people not enable his abusive behaviors by ignoring or excusing them, and has told us that he not only expects fans to do that but uses it as a way of avoiding taking responsibility for his actions and as a threat. No matter what any of those people say, it is neither our job nor possible for us to fix him by posting or not posting certain things! But in a way that feels different to me from any other celebrities or public figures, the relationship between the fans and the 1D guys has always been incredibly two way and reciprocal, and I do think it matters how we use the incredible power of this fandom. We've done great useful things with it in the past, and a lot of pretty silly things, and have also done things that have had profound and lasting impacts on the guys' actual lives that continue to effect them to this day, some good and some... not. We actually do have impact on their lives for better and worse. So while there is nothing we could post or not post that will cure Liam's mental health issues, also I agree, it doesn't NOT matter what we post. If nothing else, it matters because WE spend our time in this fandom and WE are impacted, and acting like the things we've found out are in any way okay (which ignoring them also would be) is unacceptable and as I said here, harms other fans. But on top of that we have been SPECIFICALLY ASKED by a victim of abuse to do something: she has asked that we stop enabling Liam's behavior by posting and not posting certain things online. So will talking about it hurt Liam, and if so should we not do that? It might distress Liam to have people tell him what he's done and is doing is not okay! That's very likely. And obviously I don't like people telling him to kill himself or posting revenge porn because those are NEVER acceptable things to do; but Liam's distress is actually less important in this situation than holding Liam accountable for his actions is. I worry about the possible impacts of that too, I think we have all pictured the worst case scenarios. But the thing is that what you are suggesting is to try to figure out how we can act to prevent an abuser from being abusive or from hurting themselves, how to do things that will keep them calm and fix them; this ISN'T POSSIBLE in any kind of real way, and the idea that is a troubling symptom of clinical codependency. It IS however important and necessary for people who care about them to tell abusers that their behavior is not okay, and that we will not look the other way when they fuck up! tldr: No abuser or addict has ever changed because things simply got easier and so they no longer "needed" to lash out or to medicate; but people have been encouraged to change by people whose good opinion they want telling them their behavior is unacceptable.

[clotpolesonly]

The Raven Boys ch 16 // The Raven Boys ch 4 // The Raven Boys ch 9 // The Raven Boys ch 9

[uncanny-tranny]

Like obviously the whole "they're just doing [x] for attention!" is completely asinine because humans are social creatures who need attention to some capacity, but also... in your narrative, does everybody do things specifically for your attention? When somebody does something drastic or shocking, is it not because they're desperate for help but just because they crave your attention specifically? Does the sun rise and set at your command as well?

[whyamiheretumbled]

its only two sentences you can't stop thinking about from your tmnt au angst one shot why are you sad giggling

,"I didn't say how, I just.... "

,"Its not what you said, it's what you did...do you even understand that?!I trusted you! "

[chimerahyperfix]

YAAAAYYY MORE IN CRAFT AND CAGES CONTENT!!!! YIPPEE WOOHOO!!!! Ive been meaninf 2 do one of these 4 a while (shoutout 2 the handful of drafts for these lost in the vast expanse of my Drafts) Time for The Horrors smile.

(content warnings - self harm, suicide + idealation [both simply mentioned but. It’s pretty obvious what’s going on], short but relatively graphic depiction of death/injury - this one is heavy)

There are many ways for you to end a loop. You don’t like any of your options, but you have them. The House is tall enough to jump from. Messing up crafting the bomb works, but it takes longer than you'd like it too-- and Change forbid someone finds you. The tears are nice enough, better than anything else you have access to. The King; well, the less he kills you the better.

The EASIEST option you have is in your room.

Easiest. Not the kindest- just the easiest.

It’s not hard to see how many… extremely dangerous chemicals you have. They litter your desk you should have cleaned it you should have cleaned it you should have cleaned it.and fill your closet. Spilled over and swept up and hid in all the little nooks and crannies of your shared room. Mirabelle knows not to bother using them for anything - and thank Change, because you're not sure what you'd do if you hurt her because you were careless. Yeah, you two have your little squabbles; but in the end it's all fun and games to you. You don't want to hurt her.

You don't want to hurt anyone, actually. Barring the King, of course. That was never your intention. Every now and then, your mind wonders to all those cut-off loops, and you wonder if they continued without you. It's something you've started to manually block out.

They are the fastest the quietest the lonliest an avaliable option. And it sucks, because they hurt. They hurt so, so much. But it’s the fastest way out and you don’t have to make others watch.

The first few times; they were all accidents. Back when you couldn't make the craft bomb fast, back when it took you hours to craft -- it's hard work, making a bomb from scratch! -- you'd always eventually mess up trying to take a drink of your water.

The first time was the worst. You don't remember all of it, not really, not anymore -- blotted that one out as much as you possibly can. You do remember the pain. It was basically acid, so it absolutely tore your throat up.

Everything after the realization point is blurry. You remember screaming, maybe, and blood spilling everywhere. A hand smacking your back. Choking to death. Waking back up at the very same desk with the lingering feeling of gore mashed against your mouth.

Even now, you can still taste it. Like the blood and toxins have seeped into your very being, coating your teeth and your throat. If you bit something you'd probably poison it, too, like a snake, or a scorpions tail.

It's... not that bad, now. You can hold down the sounds that scream in your chest, and simply lay down and die in a puddle of lightless, and that's fine. You've gotten the whole ''look like your sleeping at your desk'' shtick down too. It still hurts, crab does it ever, but you must've burned through all the nerves in the area recently, bevause the pain just gets further and further away. Smaller. Quieter.

Eventually, there's a possibility someone will find you. It happened the first time around. It's not a thought you'd like to entertain, but every hypothesis has a line of reasoning behind it, and eventually the variable will pop up. You very well could be running on a tightrope of when the other side will drop, or a coin flip or something. Until that actually happens, you swear off thinking about it.

For now, you close the door behind you and make your way to your little glass bottle-ridden prison. You need to loop back.

[swollenbabyfat]

tell me that it didn't happen

[astrarche-x]

thinking about how we never have an actual flashback from the Ouyang clan execution and how that adds to the unreliability of Ouyang's narrative about his life and death. [sorry, long rant incoming bc i have feels]

Especially in regards to the scene when Ouyang is tasked with execution of Zhang Jr.: he thinks that he willingly chose to avenge his father and to bear the suffering of his fate when he was 10. But did he?

''He was giving him a chance for his death to have meaning. He should be grateful", he thinks in regard to Zhang Jr. So did he himself just stay alive for his death to have meaning? Or - what I suspect - did he just invent all this a posteriori to justify his will to live?

Apart from the fact that the scene with Ouyang killing Zhang Jr. is one of the most memorable in HWDTW for me for the layers that it has, it highlights one of the most fascinating facets of Ouyang: his will to live vs. his deathwish.

Obviously as his whole arc is about falling downhill, we as readers don't see much of the former, while the latter is in abundance especially in HWDTW. But nevertheless this tension is very much there.

As I said, we don't see - even through Ouyang's eyes - what went down that fateful day of the massacre; did he really beg for his life to avenge his family or just for the sake of it. But personally - I'm betting for the latter. Like, come on, he was 10 AND - more importantly - he DIDN'T know that Chaghan would have him castrated as he begged for mercy. He had no idea what the consequences would be. He might have thought about revenge; it's evident that even at 10 yo, the masculine ideals were already drilled into him. But he DIDN'T choose that with full awareness; it's something he told himself over the years to justify his will to live.

And I think this is the deepest root of his shame: that he so desperately wanted to live he could do anything. Him being an eunuch was shameful too, but not so much as the fact that he PREFERS it to being dead. This is what Chaghan calls him out on and this is why the scolding is such a turning point (something I didn't catch at first): Ouyang realizes that if he wants to live free of shame and justify his existence, he must have his revenge. But to do that - ironically - he must destroy himself.

The excuse he came up with over the years to make up for his will to live is that he is a tool of revenge; he is allowed to exist as long as he is this tool. Where the tragedy lies is that he never allowed himself to imagine that he could exist after his revenge is complete. Which is, I think, part of the reason why it took him so long to start plotting it: he wanted to live. He wanted to be with Esen. (The passage "He felt a surge of hatred towards the monk. [...] Without him, how much longer might Ouyang have had with Esen?" is one of the most heartbreaking in SWBTS imo). And I think that deep down he didn't even think his revenge was actually doable.

"[...] the monk had triggered the start of his journey towards his purpose. He couldn’t find it in himself to be grateful. It felt like a violation. A theft of something he hadn’t been ready to give up. Not innocence, exactly, but the limbo in which he could still fool himself that other futures were possible."

I think that these ''other futures'' were futures in which the opportunity for revenge never came; not so much as in ''his enemies were dead by other means'', but as in "Ouyang kept waiting but he just didn't get to meet the Khan" etc. And I think that in his mind, it would have been the best possible option - he could keep on living, waiting for the opportunity that somehow never came, but hey, his excuse of being a tool for revenge was still valid, right?? nobody could tell him that he didn't want it or forgot! he just didn't have the opportunity! oh, such bad luck, sorry not sorry. (And one day he would have died on the battlefield, possibly in Esen's arms, and it would be the best life he could have imagined).

But Zhu gives him the opportunity and he feels he must act on it, which means that his excuse for existing will soon be no longer valid, and it makes him so angry. I still don't get why he couldn't imagine a life after revenge; possibly because despite everything he LIKED this life - or, at least, liked it more than the alternative. Revenge meant destroying everything he enjoyed: his life as a general of the Yuan, and - more importantly - Esen. He probably didn't imagine a life for himself after revenge not only because he thought himself a tool to be discarded, but also because he didn't see in there anything worth living for. And this is when his deathwish comes in. It practically appears as soon as Esen is dead; and the rest is history, with Ouyang's ''I have to live because I must have my revenge and I sacrificed too much for it to walk away now!". But still, it strikes me how at the beginning of SWBTS he's clinging to life as he knows it despite it not being ideal, and how in HWDTW he is awaiting death eagerly.

And - circling back to Zhang Jr. - this is why Ouyang kills the boy: for Zhu it might have been tying up loose ends, but Ouyang at this point sees that staying alive wasn't worth it. He does what is better for the boy in his opinion; he even lets him die with honour, something he himself wants. He wishes he had chosen death all these years ago.

[yanderomantic]

as someone who used to identify as antiship & took all of that shit too seriously, it is genuinely incredibly rewarding to selfship without fear now. to actually explore the dynamics I want to explore, dynamics that feel therapeutic for me & allow me to process traumas and those victim mindset desires I ignore in my real life, (yknow--those internal "I miss being abused" complexes victims will often feel.) exploring these dynamics without fear, without repression or reworking it to be "less problematic" & guilt free--it's rewarding. it's therapeutic. it's actually helpful in processing aspects of myself. nothing about my f/o dynamics are truly different, they're just more honest--and in that vein, less romanticized. less apologized. less glorified. I know antishippers view shameless "problematic" self shipping as romanticization/normalization/apologization, but it's the reverse. when you're holding an imperfect dynamic but you have to reword the circumstances to yourself and others to make it healthier/less worrisome, that does more for normalizing the unhealthy aspects than anything. being able to go "yeah, this character who is a millenia older than me being manipulative in our relationship IS grooming, actually" does far more for undoing normalization than "rewriting" it to justify the manipulation as unrelated to existing power dynamics; ie. "oh, it's just toxic yaoi, not grooming lol"

no, actually, a portion of my F/Os would be considered groomers in their relationship with me and that's ok, it's fictional, I'm exploring dynamics I've experienced with characters I adore, processing things & having an outlet for the ugly desires a victim will be left with. it's helped me process myself and process how this shit actually works, the dynamics at play, structural violence, I'm much MORE educated on the circumstances of abuse now that im allowing myself to explore these circumstances in fiction. it's no longer something untangible caused solely by the mythical "Bad Person" , which is what these "wholesome us vs problematic them" mindsets get us to internalize

[amoritasart]

He found a new glyph(: