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flytohurt · 1 year ago

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Thrasher mag, March 2024 issue // buy it here! by Matt Pendry

article under the cut!

Skateboarding seems to be everywhere these days, including in the wrestling ring. But if somebody is going to hop over the ropes with a board, we're glad it's Darby Allin because he's not using skating as a gimmick - the dude rips! Despite putting his body through the ringer three-to-four nights a week wrestling, he's still out there getting broke off on his board - and loving every second of it. We caught up recently to talk about living in his vehicle, his guest model on Deathwish and jumping a car over his damn house. Check it.

What's going on, Darby? I'm on the way to the FA warehouse to hang out before we do this meet and greet at their store later today, and on top of that I'm getting ready to go to Mount Everest on Saturday. I got so much shit planned. I have to get hit by a car tomorrow and I have a joint sprain at the moment, so I'm trying to stay at 100 percent.

What do you mean you have to get hit by a car tomorrow? I have to get hit by this car for an AEW promo show tomorrow, then do an actual show in Inglewood and them jump on a red-eye flight to China to train for Mount Everest, so I got to make sure my body stays in one piece.

It sounds like you have a lot going on right now! Where are you originally from? I was born in Arizona, but I was only there for two months so from my brain's standpoint all I remember is Seattle.

Did you start skaing there? Yeah, I started skating in eighth grade.

Is that also around the time you started filming yourself with a tripod? Yeah, it would just rain all the time in Seattle, so when you got a sunny day you couldn't take it for granted - you had to go balls to the wall. That's pretty much when the inception of all my craziness started. You know, sitting at home all day thinking about skating while it was raining. By the time it was sunny it was time to rock and that's when I would get sent to the hospital.

I heard you broke your leg one time and had to push yourself home. That's when I was going to film school in Arizona. It was my first month there and I was trying to drop in on the ASU art museum structure. It's this huge drop in I'd seen in videos. I didn't have a filmer because I'm impatient and don't like to wait for people, so I set up a camera on a tripod and went for it. I flew into the concrete wall in the landing and broke my foot. At that time I had no money and the buses had stopped running, so I had to push myself on my board all the way home. It was a good ten miles; so gnarly. Then I was just sitting there sweating in a hot-ass apartment all summer with no AC and a broken foot.

Sounds like a long summer. I head you were homeless when you moved to Georgia to join the amateur wrestling circuit and make a name for yourself. How long did that last? I was living in my car in Georgia for about five months, pretty much because I didn't want to end up complacent or lazy. A lot of people sit on the couch all day every day, but when you're living in your car, in the middle of the Georgia summer, you get woken up pretty early. It was just a way to push myself out of my comfort zone because I think comfort zones are the death of most people. So, that's the big reason I wanted to be homeless in my car and it ended up working out.

It sounds like with that environment and mindset you were able to push yourself to where you are today. Yeah, absolutely. Everything I do in life is to get out my comfort zone. All the crazy stuff I do, whether I'm getting hit by a car, or jumping over my house, or trying to climb Mount Everest, or sleeping in my car, it helps me get out of my comfort zone and that's usually what chills me out.

Was cooking chicken in the bathroom of a gym on a George Foreman grill out of your comfort zone? Well, I used to park outside of an Anytime Fitness and go cook chicken in the bathroom. Everybody in the gym could smell that shit and would be like, What's going on?

You got to do what you got to do. I didn't have a kitchen or money to eat out so it saved me so much money.

Were you skating much during this time, or had your focus shifted to wrestling? I pretty much stopped skating for a solid year and a half. It was weird - I felt like in order to make it in wrestling I needed to dedicate my life to it and at a certain point I really felt something was missing and I couldn't pinpoint what it was. I was feeling this depression like something about my life was just not there anymore, and then the moment I picked up a skateboard again I was like, Oh shit, this is it, for sure. I never put it back down after that. I've been skating all the time now, even though I'm signed to this company and have to wrestle every week. It's like, You can't pay me enough to stop skating now. When I stopped skating for that year and a half I felt it. Mentally, I really felt it; it just sucked.

Does All Elite Wrestling ask you to take it easy on the skating? No, it sounds crazy but they trust me. I still skate so much. I'm not just doing rock to fakies either - I'm usually trying some crazy shit, so it's really hard to balance out the two worlds, especially when you have to perform every week and you have a passion for skateboarding. I don't think anybody truly understands how much I thread the needle on a weekly basis.

I heard when you first got signed to AEW, they couldn't guarantee you anything because they didn't know what was going to happen with the new company. The parallels are almost identical to many pro skater's careers in this aspect - style, personality, presentation and so much more go into both curating and carrying out a successful skateboarding or wrestling career. Being a few years into a professional wrestling career, do you think it's similar to being a professional skater? I think the overall difference is skateboarding is just more unpredictable. With wrestling, once you make it you're kind of set. I feel like being a pro skater would be a lot harder and there's no real guarantee for the future. Once you can't skate anymore you're kind of spit out of the system, but with wrestling there's more options with what you can do outside of it once your body gives out.

I'm saying the career path is what is so similar - where you go and live in your car with no money and push yourself into this life. Well, would you rather do that or would you rather play it safe? I worked at a 99 Cents store and the mental pain of working at a place like that versus risking your body every day is a no-brainer. I would rather risk my body any day.

Let's talk about the Gates of Hell slam you took a few days before doing a pay-per-view match in Arizona. I was filming this AEW intro video with Max Yoder at the Gates of Hell. Jaws was there, too. There's a big crack at the bottom that wasn't Bondo'd. I tried to no comply backside 360, hit the crack and flew into the wall at the bottom. I fell into this red anthill. I just laid there while they were eating me up. The first thing I thought was, Oh shit, I have to wrestle next week. So I went to Jaws' house and was like, Alright, if I piss blood I'll go to the hospital. If not, I'm good. I sat in the bathtub for like two hours and there was no blood, so all good. A few days later I show up limping for this big match and everybody was like, What happened? I told them I was training and hit my knee, because I have a wrestling ring at my house. I have such a drive to show skateboarding to the pro-wrestling world because they've never really seen it before, so that's why I wanted to skate the Gates of Hell, but I got annihilated.

In true akater fashion you just want to put it on the line! That's what it's all about. It seems like you want to represent skating in the right way and not as some lame gimmick to your persona. It's actually who you are and where you came from. Continuing to skate is certainly a risk because I feel like I have a high standard for how I want to skate. I don't want to just play it safe.

How did the guest board with Deathwish come about? It was my friend Steve Hernandez's idea, who works at Deathwish. He was trying to sell it to Reynolds and Ellington, but they were kind of on the fence. Once they saw some of my skating they were like, Yeah, he's actually a skater. Let's get it! Then we created the Darby Allin AEW Deathwish board. I was super grateful for that whole experience.

When you started making a little bread from AEW, was the backyard skatepark the first dream that was brought to life? Yeah! I got a roll in out of my kitchen window. We have like 14 acres of fucking chaos - there's dirt jumps, a skatepark, we're blowing up cars every weekend. It's just a representation of what I would have wanted when I was ten years old: a fantasy land mixed with Nitro Circus and skating.

Which brings me to the house jump - how did you get the idea for that? We were filming a pilot for my TV show Darby's Days Off and they asked me, What's something you want to do? I was looking at my yard and I said, Can't we just build a big-ass jump over the house? The next week there was a truck unloading dirt and building this massive jump and we even got mobile-home trailers. Travis Pastrana told me trailers are like a crash pad for cars. Earlier that week he also told me there was a good chance I'd break my back if I didn't land it right. Tony Khan, my boss at AEW, asked me if I could a stunt duble and I was like, No way. The moment I landed it, Tony was on FaceTime and I jumped out of the car and was like, I can make it Wednesday! He's always getting stressed out with my shenanigans.

I'm sure he was hyped once he saw how much publicity the video received. That's my whole goal with professional wrestling. I feel like a lot of wrestlers play it safe outside of the ring. To find a way to attract a new audience or fans you have to think outside the box.

You're certainly thinking way outside the box. You clipped the house but still came out alright. What were the stats? How far did you fly? It was a 96-foot jump over the house. It was insane and by far the gnarliest thing I've ever done.

Have any fans or fellow wrestlers ever given you shit about bringing a skateboard into the ring? No, not really. I feel like the best thing to do in wrestling is bring something from outside of wrestling into the ring. Nobody's ever been like, Yo, what the hell? Why do you have a skateboard?

Because they know you actually skate! That's the thing - if I didn't really skate and everyone saw me out there with it, they'd be like, All this is just same fake pro-wrestling shit. There's a lot of that going on already and I don't want to add to it.

It seems like after everything that you have been through you've made the best of the situation - you've got action figures in Target; your matches are televised across the world; I've literally seen you on billboards. You're a celebrity at this point! So, one last thing - I know you're a certified psycho, but are you serious about this Mount Everest thing? You're about to fly to China for a month. Are you actually training to climb it? Absolutely. When I say I'm going to do something, I do it. I just want to work for it. I want something to push towards again that's going to be extremely difficult. It's more of a spiritual quest. I have a lot of things I want to do in life, but Mount Everest kept calling me for whatever reason. I only have six months to train for it and my guides there tell me that's unheard of, but I feel like with everything I've put myself through in life I can 100 percent do it.

Are you going to take your board? Are you going to be the first person to get a clip on top of Everest? I don't even know if that's possible to bring up there. I'll have to ask them, but that would be epic.

Well, I can't wait to see what's next. Do you think we're going to get a full Darby part anytime in the near future? Yeah, it's a goal of mine. Once I get back from Everest I want to start filming.

I know it would be one for the books. Thanks for talking with us, Darby. You're truly one of a kind, my friend. Good luck on the mountain! We'll see how it all plays out. If this interview comes out before Everest, cool. If not and I die on the mountain, then yeah, I don't know...

You're a skater. You'll be all right. Yeah, I guess we'll put that to the test.

#darby allin #darbyallin #thrasher #thrasher magazine #yes i did both purchase a copy and transcribe it for all of you

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pcwpolwrestling · 1 month ago

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11/30-PCW Extreme Political TV

Last Week on PCW Extreme Political TV: -MATCH #1 (joined in progress): Dave McCormick (PA-Amer Patriots) defeated Bob Casey (PA-Prog Alliance) -Incoming CEO of PCW Donald Trump enters the arena accompanied by Elon Musk, Robert F. Kennedy, Tulsi Gabbard, J.D. Vance, and Mike Johnson. -A quick look-in at The View where Sunny Hostin has to read a ‘legal note.’ -State of California Commercial -A young couple virtue signals about paying their bills on time. -MATCH #2: The SEC Squad defeated The Buffet Club -MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski explain why they visited with Donald Trump and gets jumped by Keith Olbermann and Rosie O’Donnell -Berkeley, California Professor McCarthy then shows up waving his ‘good book’ and stating anyone who doesn’t confirm to the orthodoxy must be shouted down. -Virtue signaling man not feeling well but still going to work anyways. -PSA for Late Night talk show hosts -American Patriot Senators Lisa Murkowski (Alaska), Susan Collins (Maine), John Curtis (Utah), and McConnell (Kentucky) attack and throw Matt Gaetz (Florida) off the Eagle’s Nest to the arena floor. Pam Bondi then runs in and takes them out with steel-folding chair shots. -More virtue signaling -New Bud Light commercial -PCW Champion Charlie Blackwell cuts a promo over his win against Kevin Daniels. He’s then attacked by Neal Conn and Hallie Burton. -Epilogue- Kamala Harris has the hat out looking for donations to cover the 20 million debt she left behind after her campaign.

Political Championship Wrestling Extreme Political TV PCW Headquarters Somewhere in the Heartland Saturday November 30th, 2024

Announcers: ‘The Voice of PCW’ Johnny Suave AGE: 50 / HT: 5’ 11” WT: 195 HOME: Philadelphia, PA HAIR: Brown / STYLE: Like Ronnie Dunn / FACE: Goatee DRESS: Brown suit without tie

Colleen Crowder ‘Low-Level New York Times Reporter Trying to Make a Name for Herself’ AGE: 38 / HT: 5’ 5” WT: 142 HOME: New York City, NY HAIR: Black / STYLE: Curly / FACE: Narrow face with rounded jaw, turned-up nose, faint freckles, and thin lips. Bulging blue eyes, thin eyebrows. DRESS: Black pants suit

PCW Champion: Charlie Blackwell (American Heartland) Since 2/10/2024 Contenders: ‘Mr. Hollywood’ Kevin Daniels (Progressive Alliance) Kirk Walstreit (American Patriots) Mike the Mechanic (Main Street USA)

PCW Women’s Champion: Catherine Cline (Independent) Since 9/21/2024 Contenders: Kathryn Randall Collins (Progressive Alliance) Laura Brobert (American Patriots) ‘American Girl’ Sarah Mae Smith (Main Street USA)

PCW Tag Team Champions: Starz N. Stripes and ‘The One-Man Anti-Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism- Since 3/3/2024 (American Patriots) Contenders: The Deplorables: Ray McAvay/’Prairie Populist’ William Daniels Bryan (American Heartland Coalition) The Green World Order: GreenPete/’Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee (Progressive Alliance) The Sports Entertainment Corporation: Gator Bates/The Alabama Kid Bi-Partisan Dream Team: Blue Dog D/RINO Main Street USA: Ken Worth-American Trucker/Farmer John Deer Wall Street World: Kirk Walstreit/P.M.C. Banks

Opening: The studio lights flare to life, illuminating Johnny Suave’s perfectly coiffed hair as he stands before a wall emblazoned with the PCW logo. His trademark smirk plays at the corners of his mouth as he adjusts his tie, preparing to deliver the news that will set the wrestling world ablaze.

Johnny Suave: Ladies and gentlemen, happy Thanksgiving! Welcome to our special two-hour Thanksgiving special. Tonight, we’ve got a feast of political pandemonium that’ll make your family dinner look like a tea party!

He pauses, savoring the moment. In his mind, he can already hear the roar of the crowd, the chants echoing through the arena. This is what he lives for.

Johnny Suave: We’re serving up all three PCW CEO matches featuring our new big cheese, the new CEO of PCW, Donald Trump! And let me tell you, folks, this story’s got more twists than a pretzel factory! We’ve got Trump’s 2016 win over Hillary Clinton. We’ve got Trump’s loss by proxy to Joe Biden in 2020. And then we’ve got Trump going over Kamala Harris in 2024.

Suave leans in conspiratorially, his voice dropping to a stage whisper.

Johnny Suave: Remember 2016? No one thought Donald Trump had a chance in hell to defeat Hillary Clinton. When Trump clotheslined Clinton right out of the Oval Office? Nobody saw that coming! It was like Stone Chism pulling off an Anti-Hollywood Blockbuster on the entire Democratic party!”

He straightens up, gesturing grandly.

Johnny Suave: Well, buckle up, buttercup, ’cause we’re taking you back to where it all began. PCW Extreme Election Night 2016… Donald Trump versus Hillary Clinton.

***

The 2016 Battle for PCW CEO-Hillary Clinton (Progressive Alliance) vs. Donald Trump (American Patriots)Back to Suave and Colleen at the broadcast desk with the crowd buzzing in anticipation for the PCW CEO showdown that’s just mere moments away.

Johnny Suave: Johnny Suave back with the low-level reporter trying to make a name for herself at the New York Times Colleen Crowder…

Colleen Crowder: Do you have to say it like that?

Johnny Suave: …and we are just about ready for the big match to determine who will become the next PCW CEO.

Both Clinton and Trump supporters rise to their feet, holding up their pro-Clinton and pro-Trump signs and shouting dueling chants of ‘I’M WITH HER!’ and ‘TRUMP…TRUMP…TRUMP!’ back and forth at each other.

Johnny Suave (talking louder): Joining us now is Five Thirty Eight’s Nate Silver. Silver, of course, boldly predicted four years ago at PCW Extreme Election Night 2012 that Triple R would win the PCW Title and Barack Obama would win a second four year run as PCW CEO.

The camera pans to the right and adds Silver to the picture.

Johnny Suave: Nate, thanks for joining us.

Nate Silver: My pleasure, Johnny.

Johnny Suave: Your insight on what you think will happen tonight.

Nate Silver: Well Johnny. As of right now, I believe Hillary Clinton has a 70% chance of winning this match. I think it’ll be close. But I think the distinct trend is towards Hillary right now.

Colleen Crowder: Nate, I think you’re being too cautious. The New York Times believes that Hillary Clinton’s chances of becoming the first ever woman to become PCW CEO is around 85%. There’s simply no way that Trump will win this match tonight.

Nate Silver: I wouldn’t go that far Colleen. Yes, I believe Hillary Clinton is the clear favorite here tonight. But, I still maintain that the match will be closer than most think it will. There’s still a path for a possible Trump victory. For starters, Clinton doesn’t have the solid advantage that Barack Obama had against Mitt Romney four years ago.

Colleen Crowder: Yeah but that’s not the narrative we’re running with. Hillary Clinton will win this match tonight because Trump is not qualified to be PCW CEO.

Johnny Suave: You know Colleen, narrative-driven news is to journalism what World Wrestling Entertainment is to the sport of wrestling.

Once she comprehends what Suave has just said to her, Colleen glares at him and her eyes shoot daggers through Suave. She grits her teeth.

Colleen Crowder (slowly): Eighty…five…percent…

Johnny Suave: We’d better get to the ring. Kimber Marshall, take it away!

Kimber Marshall: Ladies and gentlemen. This next match will determine who will become the next CEO of Political Championship Wrestling!

“I’M WITH HER!…I’M WITH HER!”

“TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!”

Kimber Marshall: Introducing first…

The lights cut out and music starts…

youtube

DUH.

DUH-DUH-DUHHHH

DUH-DUH-DUHHHHH.

Dressed in all black complete with a flowing black cape, Donald Trump and his manager Kellyanne Conway walk out on stage to a big ovation from the American Patriots. Some of the more official types of the American Patriots…ie…John McCain, Susan Collins, and Rick Perry, who sit down front close to ringside, don’t seem overly enthusiastic with their support.

Back on stage, the leader of the American Patriots Reince Priebus filters in behind along with PCW Executive Committee member Paul Ryan.

Johnny Suave: Trump looks particularly sinister tonight!

Colleen Crowder: It’s hideous Johnny. Simply hideous. We really need Hillary to win.

Conway leads the way as Trump, black robe ruffling behind him as he strides, makes his way down the steps from the stage and heads toward the ring.

Kimber Marshall: Residing in the Trump Tower in the great city of New York, New York! He promises to…

The Trump supporters shout out: “MAKE PCW GREAT AGAIN!”

Kimber Marshall: Managed tonight by Kellyanne Conway, accompanied by his Second in Command Mike Pence, and representing the American Patriots! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! DONALD J. TRUMP!

Again, the Trump Supporters let loose with thunderous roar that shakes the building. Trump nods and acknowledges the fans.

Johnny Suave: Donald Trump climbs into the ring. Can be make history of his own here tonight by becoming the next PCW CEO?

Colleen Crowder: NO! I mean, David Brooks from the New York Times is a conservative and even he doesn’t think Donald Trump should be PCW CEO.

Johnny Suave: David Brooks is conservative for the New York Times, yes.

The supporters “TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!” chant merges with the Imperial March and becomes:

“TRUMP.

TRUMP.

TRUMP-TRUMP-TRUMMMMP

TRUMP-TRUMP-TRUMMMMP”

Trump holds the ring ropes open for Kellyanne Conway to slip through. Pence, Priebus and Ryan join them.

Kimber Marshall: And his opponent.

Imperial March- off…

♫ What happened at the New Wil’ins? Bitch, I’m back, by popular demand ♫

…Beyonce’s ‘Formation’- on. The house lights cut out and then start flashing to the beat causing the Progressive Alliance fans to leap out of their seats.

Quick cut to the upper section where Amy Schumer and Chelsea Handler are dancing on their chairs, Miley Cyrus is on the table twerking, and Madonna…well, we don’t really want to know what she’s doing right now.

Kimber Marshall (loudly over the blaring music): Managed by Robby Mook and accompanied by her Second in Command Tim Kaine, Debbie Wasserman-Shultz, and her husband…FORMER PCW CEO William Jefferson Clinton!

Beyonce comes out on stage lip-synching to her song. She and Jay-Z lead the parade to the ring. Next out, Mook, Wasserman-Shultz, and Bill Clinton.

Kimber Marshall: From Chappaqua, New York. Representing the Progressive Alliance!

Next out, Bill and Hillary’s daughter Chelsea Clinton.

Kimber Marshall: And vying to make history by becoming the first ever woman to become CEO of PCW!

Finally, Hillary Clinton walks out wearing a white pants suit.

Kimber Marshall: PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR…HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON!

The A-List celebrities in the top section of Hack’s stand up and shout. On the floor, the Progressive Alliance section is simply rocking. Hillary Clinton signs bobbing up and down, moving left to right as Beyonce continues to lip synch her song and dance down the aisle.

Reaching the ring, Hillary climbs up the steps first and ducks into the ring, followed by her husband and daughter.

Johnny Suave: Oh wow! Listen to that ovation for Hillary Clinton. Both sides are geared up for what promises to be an incredible match.

Colleen Crowder: Again Johnny. According to the New York Times calculations, it’s going to be an early night, it’s going to be a quick match, because Donald Trump has no chance to defeat Hillary Clinton.

Johnny Suave: Nate?

Nate Silver: The odds are definitely in Ms. Clinton’s favor but I won’t go that far to say that he has no chance.

Johnny Suave: Thanks for your insight. Nate Silver, everyone. Let’s take it back to the ring and the referee in charge of this match- Corrina Romanov.

The name Romanov causes Colleen to cock her head quizzically to the side.

Romanov enters the ring wearing the appropriate white and black striped referee’s shirt and black pants. A former wrestler of her own right, she gets a healthy round of applause from the patrons of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon.

Colleen Crowder: Hold on…isn’t she like- Russian?

Romanov goes over to Trump and does the usual pre-match check.

Johnny Suave: She is. So what?

Then Romanov walks over to Clinton’s corner and does the same.

Colleen Crowder: Nothing. It’s just…strange…that PCW would assign a Russian referee for this match.

Johnny Suave: Nah, you’re overthinking this. Hold on to your hats, ladies and gentlemen. We are just about ready to go.

Satisfied, Romanov turns to the bell table and calls for the bell.

Johnny Suave: And here we go!

“I’M WITH HER! I’M WITH HER!…”

Johnny Suave: LISTEN TO THE DUELLING CHANTS!

“TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!…”

Johnny Suave: THE NOISE IS JUST DEAFENING IN HERE!

Both Trump and Clinton cautiously walk forward from their respective corners and circle each other in the middle of the ring.

Then out of nowhere, Clinton drives a knee to the balls. Trump crumples over. And the Progressive Alliance section goes nuts.

Johnny Suave: CLINTON DRAWS FIRST BLOOD!

Clinton whips Trump into her corner where he’s greeted with a few forearm shots from her husband Bill. He lays in more big forearms on Trump. Hillary follows up with some knife-edge chops. Trump then whips Clinton across the ring into the opposite corner.

Johnny Suave: Trump sends Clinton for the ride…

Trump sets up for a backdrop but Clinton flips over him and then delivers a punt kick to the jewels.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Dropping to his knees, Trump’s face scrunches in pain. Clinton moves behind him. Basement dropkick to the back sends Trump down face first to the mat. She rolls him over for a cover.

One.

Tw-

Johnny Suave: Easy kick out for Donald Trump.

Debbie Wasserman-Shultz shouts at the referee and then slams her hand down on the mat in the same rapid-fire fashion she’d done when Hillary defeated Bernie Sanders in Philadelphia.

Colleen Crowder: That was a slow count.

Johnny Suave: Any count is slow compared to what Wasserman-Shultz did to Sanders.

Trump fights back to his feet and tries to stop the momentum. But Clinton scratches his eyes and then hits a knee to the gut. Russian Leg Sweep follows and Trump is right back on the ground. Clinton again makes the cover but Trump out of nowhere pushes her off and then rolls her up.

Johnny Suave: TRUMP REVERSES. COVER!

The American Patriots rise up in anticipation.

One

Two.

Johnny Suave: NO! HILLARY GRABBED THE BOTTOM ROPE!

Romanov calls for a break. While she tries to get Hillary to let go of the bottom rope, Bill Clinton sneaks in and pokes Trump in the eye. He recoils back and covers his eye.

Johnny Suave: She’s not letting go of the rope. WHAT?

What? Suave does a doubletake when Captain America…yes…Captain America runs down and slides into the ring.

Johnny Suave: What the hell is this?

Colleen Crowder: It’s Captain America.

Johnny Suave: I know it’s Captain America. Why is Captain America in the ring?

Trump staggers back. Captain America takes his shield and then blasts him in the back of the head with it.

Johnny Suave: Oh…that’s why.

Captain America stares at the downed Trump, who’s holding his head from the shield shot. He then pulls off his mask.

Colleen Crowder: Hey! That’s Chris Evans from the Avengers movie!

Johnny Suave: Where is the referee?

Referee Corrina Romanov is in deep conversation with ABC’s Martha Raddatz at the edge of the ring.

Johnny Suave: MARTHA RADDATZ IS AT RINGSIDE? WHAT IS SHE DOING?

Suave sees Evans pick up the shield.

Johnny Suave: What is he doing?

Evans places the Captain America shield in Trump’s groin area. Then Iron Man jumps into the ring carrying a bowling ball bag.

Johnny Suave: WHAT IS IRON MAN DOING HERE?

Iron Man (okay… it’s really Robert Downey, Jr. playing Iron Man) takes the bowling ball bag, lifts it in the air, and slams it into the shield.

*CLANK*

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Crowd: Oooooooooohhhhh!

Trump rolls back and forth in excruciating pain.

Johnny Suave: KELLYANNE CONWAY IS ON THE RING APRON SCREAMING AT CORRINA ROMANOV!

Finally, Conway gets Romanov’s attention and the referee refocuses her attention back to the match and sees Evans and Downey in the ring. She immediately chases both Hollywood stars from the ring. Which, of course, allows Hillary to indulge in a little blatant choking while the referee continues to be distracted.

Colleen Crowder: I’ve changed my mind. I now believe that Hillary Clinton has a 90% chance of winning. She’s totally dominating him.

Clinton uses the boots to deliver a shot to the gut and another. Trump finally trips Clinton up and sends her to the mat.

Johnny Suave: Big boot by Trump knocks Clinton off her feet. But there’s a lot of worried faces at ringside.

Quick cut to the American Patriots section. Reince Priebus brings a hand to his chin. Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell both watch the action with extremely concerned expressions on their face.

Back to the ring where Clinton has gone over and talks with Robby Mook.

Johnny Suave: Bad idea. She can’t give Trump time to recover like that.

Trump pulls himself back up again. He goes right over to Hillary and they trade forearm strikes. Trump whips her into the corner and then catches Clinton on the rebound with a Bulldog.

Clinton tries to whip Trump to her corner but Trump blocks, lifts Hillary up, bringing her legs off the ground, and falls backward to the mat sending her back-first to the mat.

Johnny Suave: SIDEWALK SLAM BY TRUMP. HE COVERS.

One.

Two.

Johnny Suave: WHAT THE HELL IS CNN’S ANDERSON COOPER DOING IN THE RING?

Just as Corrina Romanov starts to lower her hand down for three, Anderson Cooper bolts into the ring out of the blue and pushes Trump off of Clinton.

Johnny Suave: COOPER MAKES THE SAVE!

Colleen Crowder: Maybe we should reduce the chances of Hillary winning back to 85%.

While Hillary scoots back to her corner, Trump gets into Romanov’s face and argues about the count. He doesn’t see Bill Clinton sneaking up from behind. Bill tries to whip Trump into Hillary’s corner. Trump reverses and goes for a big boot to the face. But Bill ducks, boots Trump in the gut, and then hits a spinning neckbreaker.

Johnny Suave: Bill Clinton fires up the crowd and now he’s going for scoop slam!

Clinton goes to lift Trump up but he doesn’t see trouble brewing behind him. Two women from his past.

Johnny Suave: THAT’S KATHLEEN WILLEY AND PAULA JONES! TWO WOMEN WITH HUGE ISSUES WITH BOTH BILL AND HILLARY CLINTON!

Colleen Crowder: What are they doing in the ring?

At once, the crowd noise jumps dramatically which causes Bill to wonder what’s going on. Finally, his innate curiosity wins out so he turns around and gets an unpleasant surprise. His eyes widen and the crowd goes wild.

Johnny Suave: Nowhere to run! Nowhere to hide!

Colleen Crowder: That’s not fair! They’re interfering in the match!

Johnny Suave: Here we go!

Willey and Jones take Bill by each arm and fling him into the corner turnbuckle. Bill ‘stumbles’ and falls forward head first into the turnbuckle. He flips up and over the turnbuckle, tries to snag the top rope, misses, and tumbles down to the floor.

Johnny Suave: RIC FLAIR FLIP!

On the floor, Bill then gets back on his feet…takes two steps…stops…and then flops face first back to the floor.

Johnny Suave: RIC FLAIR FLOP!

Back in the ring, Hillary comes off the ropes and leaps onto Trump’s back.

Johnny Suave: SLEEPER HOLD!

Colleen Crowder: YES! COME ON HILLARY!

Trump spins to try and dislodge Hillary from his back. Unfortunately, he loses his balance and ends up on the mat. Hillary wastes no time in making the cover.

One.

Two.

Johnny Suave: Trump kicks out. He’s trying to regain his bearings and…why is the referee talking to the Clinton corner again?

This time, Romanov is having a heated conversation with Hillary’s manager Robby Mook and MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow. While they’re distracting the referee, Chelsea Clinton slides a steel chain over to her mother who quickly wraps it around Trump’s neck.

Johnny Suave: AND NOW SHE’S GOT THAT STEEL CHAIN AROUND HIS NECK!

Colleen Crowder: Sleeper hold.

Trump’s face turns bright red as the chain is wrapped tightly and cutting off his oxygen.

Johnny Suave: BULL-*BLEEP*! THAT’S A BLATANT CHOKE! SHE’S TRYING TO CHOKE DONALD TRUMP OUT!

While Trump desperately tries to loosen the chain around his neck, yet another person races down the aisle towards the ring.

Johnny Suave: WAIT A MINUTE? THAT’S FOX NEWS’S CHRIS WALLACE!

Wallace jumps up on the ring apron, grabs Romanov, and spins her around. He points at Hillary who’s still trying strangle Trump with a steel chain.

Colleen Crowder: What is he doing? Chris Wallace has no business butting his head into this match.

Johnny Suave: And CNN’s Anderson Cooper and ABC’s Martha Raddatz didn’t do the exact same thing?

Colleen Crowder: That’s different. Everyone knows Fox News is biased towards the American Patriots!

Romanov immediately acts. She pushes Clinton back, breaking the choke hold. Then Romanov literally rips the chain out of Hillary’s hands and tosses it out of the ring.

Colleen Crowder: The Russian referee is exerting too much influence on this match which means Vladimir Putin is trying to affect the results!

Johnny Suave: Um…Corrina Romanov just enforced the rules because, newsflash, even PCW has rules.

Colleen Crowder: But Vladimir Putin-

Johnny Suave: Is this another narrative or…

There’s a collective gasp inside Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Colleen Crowder: What.

Colleen turns her attention back to the ring and immediately shoots up from her chair in full righteous indignation mode.

Colleen Crowder: THAT’S NOT ACCEPTABLE!

Johnny Suave: TESTICULAR CLAW! TRUMP IS USING THE TESTICULAR CLAW!

The reaction is instantaneous and the fun really begins. An enraged Colleen Crowder literally jumps up on the broadcast table and points at Trump.

Colleen Crowder: DISQUALIFY HIM! DISQUALIFY HIM!

The Clinton team are stunned. Without hesitation, they all charge the ring.

The Progressive Alliance are stunned. Disgusted. Repulsed. Suddenly, the likes of Chuck Schumer, Elizabeth Warren, and Nancy Pelosi charge the ring.

The media are stunned. Revolted. Aggrieved. Don Lemon of CNN, the Washington Post’s Eugene Robinson and Dana Milbank, and the New York Times’s David Brooks and Paul Krugman pile into the ring.

Colleen Crowder: HE SHOULD BE DISQUALIFIED!

Even some members of the American Patriots are stunned. Appalled. Queasy. John McCain, Lindsey Graham, former Jeb Bush, and Mitt Romney charge the ring and a huge scrum explodes.

Johnny Suave: IT’S HIT THE FAN NOW!

Trump finds himself swallowed up by a mass of humanity as members of each group literally throw each other out of the way to get to him.

Johnny Suave: This is just a mob scene!

Colleen Crowder: WHY HASN’T THE REFEREE DISQUALIFIED HIM?

Johnny Suave (sarcastically): Maybe Vladimir Putin told her not to.

Colleen Crowder: SEE! I TOLD YOU!

Johnny Suave: Trump is getting no help from the American Patriots either!

Cut to Paul Ryan. He’s whistling while he ever so subtly tries to inch away from the ring, hoping that no one can see him subtly trying to inch away from the ring. Mitch McConnell? He’s gone from ringside and nowhere to be found.

The rest of the establishment? Sitting in their seats reading the Wall Street Journal or on their phones making plans for their golf getaway.

♫ Do you hear the people sing, singing a song of angry men…♫

Quick cut to the Les Miserables section. What had been a full section of people is now half empty.

Johnny Suave: WAIT A MINUTE!

‘Prairie Populist’ William Daniels Bryan, ‘Red Solo Plastic Cup’ Ray McAvay, and Charlie Blackwell stream to the ring followed by forty other people sitting in their section.

Johnny Suave: It’s the LES MISERABLES!

Colleen Crowder: I’m confused Are they coming to help Clinton?

Bryan hops up on the ring apron. He drapes Dana Milbank’s neck over the top rope and drops to the floor causing the Washington Post columnist to whiplash off the ropes and onto his back.

Johnny Suave: BRYAN TOSSES MILBANK OUT!

Bert the Janitor tosses McAvay a Big Bertha Driver.

Johnny Suave: MCAVAY HAS THE BIG BERTHA!

*THWACK*

Johnny Suave: DOWN GOES CHUCK SCHUMER!

*THWACK^

Johnny Suave: DOWN GOES LINDSEY GRAHAM!

Mitt Romney sees McAvay using the driver to pole axe his way through the crowd. He wisely uses discretion and decides to slip out of the ring.

Johnny Suave: AND HERE COMES CHARLIE BLACKWELL!

Blackwell jumps into the ring wielding a steel folding chair. and starts taking people out left and right.

*CLANG*

Johnny Suave: BLACKWELL NAILS PAUL KRUGMAN WITH THE CHAIR!

Blackwell turns and swings the chair again.

*CLANG*

Johnny Suave: CNN’s DON LEMON GOES DOWN!

*CLANG*

Johnny Suave: HE GOT JEB BUSH TOO!

Colleen Crowder: WHAT ARE THEY DOING?

Johnny Suave: THEY’RE CLEANING HOUSE!

The rest of the Les Miserables climb through the ropes and suddenly there’s a lot of people in close quarters.

Colleen Crowder: DEPLORABLE!

The American Patriots, Progressive Alliance, and media contingent still in the ring decide to hastily exit stage right leaving just Trump, Hillary, McAvay, Blackwell, Bryan, and the forty-odd Les Miserables inside.

Colleen Crowder: THESE PEOPLE ARE DEPLORABLE! WHAT ARE ALL THESE DEPLORABLE PEOPLE DOING IN THE RING?

Johnny Suave: Actually, they’re Les Miserables.

Colleen Crowder: AND WHY HASN’T THE REFEREE DISQUALIFIED TRUMP FOR THIS BLATANT OUTSIDE INTERFERENCE? THERE IS NO WAY THIS MATCH-

Blackwell and McAvay re-station themselves outside the ring and the Les Miserables surrounding the squared circle. The ring steadily clears and when it does, leaving just Trump and Hillary inside, there’s an unpleasant realization for one side.

Johnny Suave: FIGURE FOUR LEG LOCK!

Crowder pulls at her hair.

Colleen Crowder: NOOOOOOOOOO!

In the midst of the chaos caused when the Les Miserables invaded the ring, Trump took one of Hillary’s legs, turned it 90 degrees, grabbed her other leg and crossed it with the other. Then he put one foot in between, the other on the other leg, and bridged over to lock in the figure-four.

To make matters worse, Trump had her smack dab in the middle of the ring- a long, long way from help.

Johnny Suave: HOW ARE HER CHANCES LOOKING NOW?

Colleen remains defiant.

Colleen Crowder: Sixty-five percent, Johnny. I’m still quite confident Hillary will win if the Russian referee would actually DO HER JOB!

The Progressive Alliance contingent charge forward but the Les Miserables protecting the ring stop them in their tracks.

Colleen Crowder: Okay…maybe fifty-five percent- COME ON!

Clinton closes her eyes and sits up. She takes a couple swipes at Trump and then falls backwards.

Johnny Suave: Is Hillary going to tap out?

Colleen Crowder: NEVER!

Hillary reaches for the ropes but she’s too far away.

Johnny Suave: What do you say now?

Colleen Crowder: Fifty-fifty.

As the pain registers all over Clinton’s face, for the first time a realization comes over the folks sitting in the Progressive Alliance section that she could lose this.

Johnny Suave: Are you sure about that?

Colleen Crowder: (whispers incoherently)

Johnny Suave: Didn’t hear you.

Colleen Crowder: I SAID SIXTY PERCENT FOR TRUMP! JESUS, HE COULD WIN THIS THING!

The camera pans through the Progressive Alliance section of the bar. Jaws dropped. Shocked expressions. Hands on cheeks.

Johnny Suave: Do I hear seventy percent…seventy-five percent? Going once. Going twice. Going-

Colleen Crowder: SEVENTY-FIVE PERCENT FOR TRUMP. (shouts to no one in particular) COME ON! ANYONE? DO SOMETHING?

Over the loudspeaker, the opening notes to the Fleetwood Mac classic “Don’t Stop” began to play.

Johnny Suave: Wait a minute! I know that song.

A man dressed in a flannel shirt, holding a mocha in one hand and a Singapore cane in the other, steps out of the shadows on the second level of the bar.

Johnny Suave: And I know that guy! HE’S BACK!

The crowd merrily sings along to the Fleetwood Mac song as the man dressed in flannel started towards the stage.

Colleen Crowder: Hold on. Is that who I think it is?

Johnny Suave: It is.

As the sing along continues, the man holds up his mocha, contained inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable cup of course, and chugs it down.

Johnny Suave: IT’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN,’ TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN,’ INSANE SINGAPORE CANE SWINGING ALPHA MALE AND EXTREME ENVIRONMENTAL HARDCORE ICON- AL GORE!

Colleen Crowder: YES!

Gore crushes the paper cup on his forehead in an alpha manly fashion. Gore then spews the mocha out of his mouth like a geyser going off and sprays several tables in close proximity.

Colleen Crowder: Look at the expression on the Trump Team’s faces!

The camera cuts over to Kellyanne Conway and Mike Pence. They’re not paying any attention.

Johnny Suave: Um…they’re not paying attention.

Colleen Crowder: Well…THEY SHOULD BE!

Gore moves up to the steps leading down and turns around to face the Progressive Alliance section. He pulls out another cup of mocha and holds it high in the air. Again, Gore chugs down the mocha, crushes the container against his forehead, and spits the mocha onto several tables.

Colleen Crowder: …if he ever gets to the ring.

Back in the ring, Referee Corrina Romanov maneuvers around, watching for any sign of a tap out. Mook, Kaine, Bill Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, and Wasserman-Shultz, blocked from the ring by the Les Miserables watch helplessly. Hillary falls back again and her strength wanes.

Johnny Suave: Trump is THIS close to winning!

Colleen Crowder: Son of a bitch. Ninety percent chance for Trump to win.

Colleen shouts up at Gore.

Colleen Crowder: HURRY UP!

Gore makes it downstairs. He stops and pulls out another cup of mocha.

Colleen Crowder: SON OF A BITCH! AL, WOULD YOU GET TO THE RING ALREADY?

Johnny Suave: HILLARY’S RUNNING OUT OF TIME!

Again, Gore chugs down the mocha, crushes the container against his forehead…

Colleen Crowder (lamenting): He’s not going to get to the ring in time, is he?

Johnny Suave: Nope.

…and spits the mocha towards the ring just as Hillary slaps her hand on the mat.

Johnny Suave: SHE TAPPED OUT! THAT’S IT!

Colleen Crowder: NOOOOOOOO!

Romanov calls for the bell.

Johnny Suave: TRUMP WINS! TRUMP WINS!

Colleen Crowder: Oh…my…God.

Johnny Suave: The next CEO of PCW is Donald J. Trump!

The camera cuts to outside the ring. Now that Trump’s won and it’s ‘safe,’ Paul Ryan is slowly edging his way back towards the action.

Johnny Suave: And the conservative chickens have come home to roost!

Mitch McConnell races by Ryan, actually he knocks Ryan out of his way, cheering and pumping his fist in the air. However, others sitting with the rest of the American Patriot supporters aren’t so sure about what just took place.

The Les Miserables at ringside have no inhibition about celebrating. Blackwell, Bryan, and McAvay find themselves in the midst of a big time party.

Panning back to the Progressive Alliance section- soul-crushing sadness among Hillary’s supporters is the prevalent feeling.

The majority of the people on hand begin to sing: “Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye” and wave goodbye to the Hollywood celebs who said they would leave the country if Trump won.

Johnny Suave: After everything that’s happened over the past few months and with the entire Washington D.C. beltway establishment lined up against him- the Republican establishment, the Democrat establishment, the militantly left wing Democrats- who seem to have all gathered in California, and the mainstream media, when the chips were down Donald Trump came through on PCW’s biggest stage.

Colleen Crowder: I think I’m going to be sick.

Johnny Suave: Is that the narrative or an actual story?

Colleen Crowder: Shut up!

Johnny Suave: Let’s go up to Kimber Marshall in the ring for the official announcement.

Kimber Marshall: Your winner at twenty four minutes, forty-three seconds…and the NEW CEO of POLITICAL CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING!

In his corner, Trump raises his arms in the air. Kellyanne Conway and Mike Pence shake hands and exchange celebratory hugs.

Kimber Marshall: DONALD J. TRUMP-

No sooner than Marshall finished saying Trump, a woman in purple dress jumps into the ring and knocks down the PCW ring announcer. She grabs the microphone from Marshall. Her face beet red, clearly infuriated at the result, she points down at Kimber on the deck.

Woman in Ring: YOU SOLD OUT POLITICAL CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING!

Kimber just gives her a ‘WTF’ glance. The woman then turns to the American Patriots at ringside and delivers more of her venom.

Woman in Ring: YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE IN POLITICAL CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING!

She points at Trump.

Woman in Ring: THIS IS MY PCW!

She points at herself and screeches.

Woman in Ring: DO YOU HEAR ME? THIS IS MY PCW!

Then she throws herself on the mat and begins to kick her feet and flail her arms wildly.

Johnny Suave: Great. Is she going to hold her breath next?

Then she holds her breath as she kicks and flails away. Her face quickly turns red.

Johnny Suave: Really? Hopefully we can get security out here to restore some order.

PCW Security comes to the ring to escort the woman out. But before she can be taken away, another commotion flares out inside Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon.

Johnny Suave: HERE COMES HOLLYWOOD OSCAR WINNING SCREENWRITER AARON SORKIN AND HE LOOKS PISSED!

Aaron Sorkin: WAIT A MINUTE! HOLD ON, ONE SECOND!

Sorkin, noted liberal activist, flies down to ringside and grabs a microphone from a ringside technician.

Aaron Sorkin: I wrote this letter to my daughter.

Sorkin pulls out a sheet of paper and begins to read.

Aaron Sorkin: I’m not going to sugarcoat this- this is truly horrible…

Progressive Alliance fans agree with Sorkin’s sentiment. Supporters of the American Patriots? Not so much.

Aaron Sorkin: …it’s hardly the first time my candidate didn’t win…in fact it’s the sixth time…but it is the first time that a thoroughly incompetent pig with dangerous ideas, a serious psychiatric disorder, no knowledge of the world and no curiosity to learn has.

Again, the agreement to Mr. Sorkin’s views are sharply split according to one’s political preference.

Aaron Sorkin: And it wasn’t just Donald Trump who won tonight—it was his supporters too. The Klan won last night. White nationalists. Sexists, racists and buffoons.

This gets the attention of Blackwell, McAvay, and Bryan. All three turn and wonder if Sorkin is really talking about them.

He is.

Aaron Sorkin: That’s right. Angry young white men who think rap music and Cinco de Mayo are a threat to their way of life or are the reason for their way of life have been given cause to celebrate. Men who have no right to call themselves that and who think that women who aspire to more than looking hot are shrill, ugly, and otherwise worthy of our scorn rather than our admiration struck a blow for misogynistic shitheads everywhere…

Johnny Suave: Really? He’s slagging not just the Les Miserables but an entire class of people simply because they didn’t support his candidate AND couching it as a ‘heartfelt letter’ to his daughter? You’ve got to be kidding me!

Colleen Crowder: He’s speaking to truth, Johnny. Everything he’s saying is true.

Aaron Sorkin: …hate was given hope. Abject dumbness was glamorized as being “the fresh voice of an outsider” who’s going to shake things-

**Def Leppard’s ‘Tear It Down’ begins to play**

Hack’s explodes. Sorkin stops and watches as the Extreme Equalizer bolts down the aisle towards ringside.

Johnny Suave: WE’RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT WHAT THE EXTREME EQUALIZER THINKS ABOUT ALL THIS. IT’S WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!

Tear it down – There’s got to be a better way Tear it down – I can’t wait another day Tear it down – There’s got to be a better way Tear it down – If only you could stay All night long

Colleen Crowder: Don’t do it!

Sorkin defiantly stands his ground and doesn’t attempt to escape. The Extreme Equalizer launches himself at him with his right arm outstretched.

Johnny Suave: CLOTHESLINE AND DOWN GOES SORKIN!

McAvay and Bryan set up a table. WTF then pulls Sorkin up and drags him over.

Colleen Crowder: DON’T DO IT!

Lifted in the air by the throat, Sorkin is then driven through the table by Whiskey Tango Foxtrot with such force that the table snaps in two cleanly upon impact.

A crowd chant erupts: “PCW! PCW! PCW!”

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP! THE EXTREME EQUALIZER JUST CHOKESLAMMED AARON SORKIN THROUGH THE TABLE!

WTF admires his handiwork until more people come flying out from the back.

*“WITH TALENT ON LOAN FROM GOD!”*

Over half of the crowd immediately boos as ‘The Innovator of Extreme Broadcast Excellence’ Rush Limbaugh smugly appears. Limbaugh’s ‘Dittoheads’ stand up and cheer when Limbaugh walks towards ringside and openly laughs at Sorkin- who’s lying in the ruins of a table.

Johnny Suave: Well, here we go. You know Limbaugh is eating up everything that’s gone down here tonight.

Crowd chant: “OX-Y CONT-TIN! (clap clap clap-clap-clap) OX-Y CONT-TIN! (clap clap clap-clap-clap)…”

Rush Limbaugh: “That’s right. It is I…”

Crowd: “WHO?”

Rush Limbaugh: “…El Rushbo…”

Crowd: “WHO?”

Rush Limbaugh: “…The Maharushbie…”

Crowd: “WHO?”

Rush Limbaugh: “…With talent on loan from-”

Crowd: “ROB!”

Limbaugh pauses.

Rush Limbaugh: “No.”

Crowd: “BOB!”

Rush Limbaugh: “No!”

Crowd: “MOM!”

Rush Limbaugh: SHUT UP! IT’S GOD YOU IDIOTS…GOD, GOD, GOD! *clears throat* Now, as I was saying in a manner that only I, with my years of broadcast excellence, can say. It’s clear here that the Progressive Alliance and the drive by media are going to do everything possible to delegitimize Donald Trump’s win here tonight. The liberals will fight tooth and nail against Trump because their candidate didn’t win.

Suddenly, the video screen fires up and we take a trip back in time to 2009, one week after PCW CEO Barack Obama was sworn in…

(FILM CLIP- PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV- January 27th, 2009) *“WITH TALENT ON LOAN FROM GOD!”*

The crowd immediately boos as ‘The Innovator of Extreme Broadcast Excellence’ Rush Limbaugh and the “Queen of Political Extreme” Ann Coulter appear in the spotlight and both begin to walk towards the ring.

Suave: Well, this is not a surprise. Limbaugh has been sparring publicly with the new PCW CEO Barack Obama in the news the last week. And I know Ann Coulter is never for a loss of words.

Crowd: “OX-Y CONT-TIN! (clap clap clap-clap-clap) OX-Y CONT-TIN! (clap clap clap-clap-clap)…

Limbaugh joins Suave in the ring…

Suave: What can I do for you, Mr. Limbaugh?

Rush: We’re both here tonight to say…we told you so. That’s right. It’s taken less than a week for the new PCW CEO Barack Hussein Obama to show his true colors. I don’t care what anybody else thinks. I…WANT…OBAMA…TO…FAIL. Period. I hope he fails.

Suave: Welllllllllll?

Limbaugh smiles ackwardly and tries to back up.

Rush Limbaugh: Now hold on here, that was different…um…I- *ack*

Limbaugh suddenly finds himself in the clutches of one Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. Hand on his throat, WTF lifts him into the air and then slams him to the floor.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP! HE JUST CHOKESLAMMED RUSH LIMBAUGH!

The Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon fans react with another loud chant in unison: “PCW! PCW! PCW!”

Johnny Suave: What goes around, comes around.

Colleen Crowder: I’d say he definitely deserved that.

Another roar from the crowd. Yet again, another run-in.

Johnny Suave: Now what?

Suave searches and sees the bespectacled man headed towards the ring and realizes who he is.

Johnny Suave: Awww. Not him.

‘Him’ is former MSNBC and Current TV commentator and current host of GQ’s political webshow ‘The Resistance with Keith Olbermann’- Keith Olbermann. And Keith has a megaphone. He runs up to where Limbaugh is splayed out on the floor and points the megaphone down at him.

Keith Olbermann: I WILL LEAD THE RESISTANCE! I AM THE RESISTANCE… I AM *ack*

WTF rolls his eyes and in one swift movement grabs Olbermann by the throat…lifts him up and chokeslams to the floor right next to Limbaugh.

Colleen Crowder: WHAT IS HE DOING?

The “PCW! PCW! PCW!” chant now echoes all over the bar.

***

Cut back to Johnny Suave live at the broadcast table…

Johnny Suave: And with that, Donald Trump became the CEO of PCW for the next four years.

“How Dare You” with 9-year-old Eva McAvay The camera zooms in on a miniature wrestling ring set up in the center of the PCW studio. A small figure stands in the middle, her blonde pigtails bouncing as she adjusts the microphone in her hand. It’s Eva McAvay, Dawn McGill’s 9-year-old daughter, her face set in a determined scowl that seems out of place on her cherubic features.

Eva McAvay: How dare you?

Eva’s voice booms through the arena, her tiny frame shaking with passion. She points her finger dramatically at the camera and startles even Johnny Suave, who takes a step back from the tiny titan.

Eva McAvay: Tearing your family apart because of some stupid political beliefs? That’s not what Thanksgiving and Christmas are about!

She slams her fist into her other hand.

Eva McAvay: It’s about love and togetherness, people! Can’t you see that? Jeez, just grow the *BLEEP* up-

Her eyes blaze with righteous anger. But before she can continue, Dawn McGill’s voice cuts in sharply.

Dawn McGill (offscreen): EVA!

With a sheepish glance at her mother, Eva lowers her head.

Eva McAvay: Sorry, Mom.

Cut back to Johnny Suave…

Johnny Suave: All right. Hopefully, everyone had a very Happy Thanksgiving. Next up… we’re going to replay the 2020 CEO of PCW match featuring Donald Trump and Joe Biden. Let’s run the tape now.

***

The 2020 Battle for PCW CEO-: ‘Starz N. Stripes’ Kevin Scott w/PCW CEO Donald Trump, Aide de Camp Mike Pence (American Patriots) vs. ‘Mr. Hollywood’ Kevin Daniels w/PCW CEO candidate Joe Biden, Aide de Camp candidate Kamala Harris (Progressive Alliance) Kimber Marshall stands in the middle of the ring.

Kimber Marshall: “Ladies and gentlemen, this match will be…”

Crowd: ONE fall!

Kimber Marshall: “And it will be for the PCW Title! Introducing first…

*”Glory Days”-Bruce Springsteen*

Johnny Suave: “Ah. Bruce Springsteen. Another one of the many celebs who’ve promised to move out of the US if Trump wins.”

Colleen Crowder: “Don’t you bad mouth ‘The Boss.’ Springsteen speaks the truth.”

Joe Biden comes out with his wife Dr. Jill Biden (and don’t you forget the ‘Dr.’ part). Behind him is his choice for Aide de Camp Kamala Harris.

Then Marshall announces the Progressive Alliance wrestler taking part in the match.

‘Mr. Hollywood’ Kevin Daniels HT: 6′ 0″ WT: 200 / HOME: Hollywood, CA FIN: The True Hollywood Blockbuster

Daniels comes out and shakes hands with both Bidens and Kamala Harris.

Kimber Marshall: “And their opponent…

*”Imperial March”- Star Wars*

The supporters “TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!” chant merges with the melody of the Imperial March and becomes:

“TRUMP.

TRUMP.

TRUMP-TRUMP-TRUMMMMP

TRUMP-TRUMP-TRUMMMMP”

Dressed in all black complete with a flowing black cape, Donald Trump and his spokesperson Kayleigh McEnaney walk out on stage to a big ovation from the American Patriots.

Kimber Marshall: Residing in the Trump Tower in the great city of New York, New York! He promises to…

The Trump supporters shout out: “MAKE PCW GREAT AGAIN!”

Kimber Marshall: Accompanied by his Aide de Camp Mike Pence and representing the American Patriots! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THE CURRENT CEO OF PCW- DONALD J. TRUMP!

Again, the Trump supporters let loose with thunderous roar that shakes the building. Trump nods and acknowledges the fans.

Johnny Suave: “Here he is. The current CEO of PCW. Donald Trump.”

Colleen Crowder: “Ugh. And he’s being led to the ring by… her.”

Johnny Suave: “You’re just saying that because Kayleigh McEnaney won’t play the ‘game’ the way you want her to play.”

McEnaney leads the way as Trump, black robe ruffling behind him as he strides, makes his way down the steps from the stage toward the ring followed by Mike Pence and Pence’s wife Karen.

Marshall then announces the American Patriots’s wrestler.

‘Starz N. Stripes’ Kevin Scott HT: 6′ 3″ WT: 250, HOME: Ottumwa, IA FIN: American Stars and Fujiawa Arm Bar

Scott walks out on stage and shakes hands with Trump, Pence, Mrs. Pence. Then the entourage heads towards the ring.

Johnny Suave: “So here we are. This is for the PCW title and then we will find out who will be the PCW CEO for the next four years.”

Colleen Crowder: “We already know the answer. It’s going to be Joe Biden.”

Biden shouts encouragement to Kevin Daniels- but he’s facing the wrong way. Harris subtly turns him around towards the ring.

Before the match starts, Suave and Crowder are joined by special guests- the CEOs of Twitter and Facebook Jack Dorsey and Mark Zuckerberg.

The bell sounds and the match begins.

Scott rushes forward. Daniels side-steps him. The two men circle. Scott aggressively comes forward. Daniels plays defense and makes him chase. Daniels connects with a spin kick that gives Scott some pause. Quick lock up – Scott takes a headlock – Daniels slips out. Scott fires off right and left hands. He follows with a standing spinebuster. Hooks the leg – one – two – Daniels kicks out and calls a ‘time-out.’ He rolls outside the ring and confers with Biden and Harris.

Johnny Suave: “Kevin Scott off to a fast start here causing Mr. Hollywood to bail out of the ring.”

Jack Dorsey: “Actually Johnny, before you share this content, you might want to know that fact-checking sites, Snope.com, and other media sources have disputed the accuracy of it.”

Colleen Crowder: “Yeah! Kevin Daniels is probably just getting warmed up and wanted to talk strategy with Joe Biden.”

Once back in, Daniels and Scott tie up – Scott gains control. He wrenches, hammerlocks, and throws forearms into Daniels’s back. Headlock by Scott and hits the takeover. Scott tries to grind Daniels down. Daniels fights up and around but Scott wrenches the arm again. Scott takes a wristlock. Daniels throws a couple body shots. Surprise roll into a REAR NAKED CHOKE! Scott elbows out. Daniels with a drop toehold and gets the legs to hook them. One – Scott powers out. Scott goes for a rear bear hug – Daniels fights his way out with elbows. Daniels backdrops Scott to the mat. Scott up – Daniels legsweeps him back down. Cover. One – two – no. Scott powers out.

Johnny Suave: “Better from Kevin Daniels there. He seems to be coming into the match.”

Colleen Crowder: “Johnny, I don’t know what match you’ve been watching but it’s clear Daniels is totally dominating the match.”

Johnny Suave: “That’s debatable.”

Mark Zuckerberg: “Actually Johnny, we’ll allow it. It’s a factual statement.”

Johnny Suave: “Of course you will.”

Scott nails Daniels with a kick to the jaw. Cover. One – two – 2.5 – Daniels just kicks out before the three count. Scott boots Daniels in the gut. Daniels drops to a knee – Scott drags him right back up. He goes to whip Daniels – Daniels reverses and knees Scott low and hard! Daniels hits the ropes and Scott ducks under. Another boot to the gut and a Sling Blade takes Daniels down. Cover. One – Two – NO! Daniels just gets the shoulder up.

Johnny Suave: “Another close pinfall for Kevin Scott. He is really doing well here tonight.”

Jack Dorsey: “Again Johnny, before you share something like that, you should know that independent fact checkers dispute its accuracy.”

Johnny Suave: “It’s an opinion Jack that I’m entitled to based on what I’ve witnessed here during the match.”

Mark Zuckerberg: “Once again, what you said is disputed by third party fact checkers.”

Johnny Suave: “*BLEEP* your third-party fact checkers.”

Daniels grows a little frustrated. He goes to the referee and starts to berate him. This allows Kamala Harris to sneak into the ring with a steel-folding chair. She raises it up – Mike Pence runs in- followed by his wife Karen (Pence never eats alone with a woman other than his wife and won’t attend events featuring alcohol without her by his side). Mike grabs the chair and stops Harris – the chair falls and accidently lands on Harris’s foot.

Colleen Crowder: “MIKE PENCE DID THAT ON PURPOSE!”

Johnny Suave: “Harris was going to hit ‘Starz N. Stripes’ Kevin Scott with that chair.”

Jack Dorsey: “Er. Independent fact-checkers say that statement contains false information-“

Suave turns off Zuckerberg and Dorsey’s microphone.

Crowder goes ballistic and demands Suave turn their microphones back on.

Johnny Suave: “I guess it really does suck when you get censored, huh.”

Pence apologizes to Harris for the incident.

Harris kicks him in the groin.

Johnny Suave: “Ooooh. Apology not accepted. And Kamala Harris did that on purpose.”

Colleen Crowder: “She did not! She……….um, slipped.”

Karen Pence then tackles Harris in the ring and both women roll around on the mat.

Johnny Suave: “CAT-FIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! CAT-FIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!”

Colleen Crowder: “Okay. That was totally offensive, Johnny.”

Meanwhile, Daniels runs the ropes – Scott ducks a clothesline and waits for him to come back to clock Daniels with a right hand. Scott blocks a suplex attempt using the power of gravity. Daniels walks into a body slam. Scott covers. One – two – 2.999! Daniels just gets a shoulder off the mat. Scott CLOBBERS Daniels with a right hand. Cover. One – two – THR-THE REFEREE GETS PULLED OUT OF THE RING!

Johnny Suave: “WHAT THE HELL?”

All three members of the Guild of Low Level Media People Trying to Make a Name for Themselves Colleen Crowder- New York Times, Sharon Johns- CNN, and Dan Miller- Washington Post yank the referee out of the ring.

All hell breaks loose. The media climb into the ring while another referee appears and rolls in under the ropes.

Scott’s trying to figure out what’s going on. Daniels just gets back to his feet and even he’s wondering what’s happening.

The referee calls for the bell. He goes to ring announcer Kimber Marshall and tells her what his decision is.

Marshall climbs into the ring and makes the announcement.

WINNER AND NEW PCW MEN’S CHAMPION: ‘Mr. Hollywood’ Kevin Daniels (Progressive Alliance) @ 10:48

Johnny Suave: “WHAT?”

A huge celebration erupts in the ring as Arizona Secretary of State Katie Hobbs, Pennsylvania State Attorney General Josh Shapiro, Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer, Michigan Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson, and former Georgia Gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams join Daniels, the Bidens, Harris, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, and the Guild of Low Level Media People Trying to Make a Name for Themselves (Crowder-NY Times, Johns-CNN, and Miller-Washington Post).

Outside the ring and around the bar- not so much. The PCW fans are shocked. Kevin Scott is stunned at the decision. Trump is furious and tries to corral the referee but the ref is in the middle of the Progressive Alliance party going on in the ring.

Johnny Suave: “Kevin Daniels has been named the new PCW champion even though he did not pin ‘Starz N. Stripes’ Kevin Scott.”

If the PCW fans didn’t like the Daniels decision, they definitely didn’t like what happened next…

THE DECISION. TRUMP OR BIDEN? The Coke Brothers (Charles and David), George Moros, Lincoln Project Executive Director Sarah Lenti slowly make their way down to the ring.

Johnny Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Johnny Suave: “The fans have already connected the dots on this one. Dawn McGill- missing. The DC Establishment is here.”

The Cokes, Moros, and Lenti have to duck and dodge debris.

Biden stands in front of the big group that’s gathered inside the ring for the announcement. Donald Trump stands on the outside.

The four climb into the ring. Moros has a microphone and he doesn’t waste any time.

George Moros: “Joe Biden-“

The Progressive Alliance explode with joy inside the ring.

Johnny Suave: “THAT’S IT! JOE BIDEN HAS BEEN SELECTED TO BECOME THE NEW CEO OF POLITICAL CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING!”

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Biden looks towards Trump for the traditional post-match handshake- but Trump has already left ringside and headed towards the back.

Johnny Suave: “NO HANDSHAKE. TRUMP’S GOING TO THE BACK.”

***

Cut back to Johnny Suave live at the broadcast desk…

Johnny Suave: So, thus began Joe Biden’s four year run as CEO of PCW. Now… Eva McAvay is back with more. Let’s hear what she has to say.

“How Dare You!” with 9-year-old Eva McAvay Eva’s eyes narrow as she launches into her tirade.

Eva McAvay: How dare you… Washington fat cats think you can push us around? Well, not on my watch!”

She paces back and forth, her sneakers squeaking with each step.

Eva McAvay: You locked up patriots for J6 like they were hardened criminals! Misdemeanors became life sentences faster than The Ultimate Social Justice Warrior can say ‘check your privilege’!

Eva’s voice cracks with emotion, her little fists clenching.

She takes a deep breath, her chest heaving with righteous indignation.

Eva McAvay: And don’t get me started on how you used COVID to stomp all over our rights! You forced medicine down our throats like we’re your personal lab rats!

Eva’s face turns red as she builds to her climax.

Eva McAvay: The Department of Justice? More like the Department of Just-Us, am I right?

She pauses, waiting for a reaction, but the stunned silence only fuels her further.

Eva takes another deep breath, her tiny frame shaking with emotion.

Eva McAvay: You think you can take our guns? Well, the ATF can pry them from my cold, dead Barbie hands!

She stomps her foot, the impact echoing through the studio.

Eva McAvay: And don’t even get me started on the border! You’ve turned our great nation into a turnstile for criminals and drug dealers!

Eva’s voice rises to a fever pitch as she delivers her final blows.

Eva McAvay: You’ve bankrupted our country with your handouts and destroyed our energy sector for your tree-hugging fantasies! HOW…DARE… YOU!

Cut back to Johnny Suave…

Johnny Suave: Little Eva McAvay is on fire tonight.

***

Update on the California Vote Counting The studio lights flicker as Johnny Suave clears his throat, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Johnny Suave: And now, folks, we have a special treat for you. Let’s check in on the hardworking vote counters in California, still at it nearly a month after the election.

The screen behind him flickers to life, revealing a dimly lit room. A solitary sloth hangs from a chair, its claws moving in slow motion towards a stack of ballots. The creature blinks languidly, taking an eternity to pick up a single piece of paper.

Johnny Suave: Ahhh. That explains it.

***

The Legacy Media Strikes Back The ring is awash in a sea of microphones and notepads, as four figures stand poised like prizefighters ready for battle. But these aren’t your typical wrestlers – they’re the Guild of Low-Level Media People Trying to Make a Name for Themselves.

Colleen Crowder adjusts her stylish glasses, her auburn hair glinting under the harsh lights, and her voice brimming with the smooth confidence of a seasoned, low-level New York Times reporter with higher aspirations.

Colleen Crowder: Ladies and gentlemen, we’re here to address a grave threat to our profession and our relevancy. Joe Rogan is single-handedly dismantling the legacy media!

Sharon Johns- a low-level Washington Post reporter trying to make a name for herself- nods vigorously, her ponytail bouncing with each movement.

Sharon Johns: That’s right, Colleen. We can’t let some podcast jockey with a penchant for DMT take our place!”

Johnny Suave comments from the broadcast table.

Johnny Suave: Oh boy, folks! Looks like we’ve got a real media showdown brewing!

Colleen’s green eyes narrow as she scans the crowd.

Colleen Crowder: You people need to understand the gravity of the situation. We’re the gatekeepers of truth, damn it! But fear not, for we have a champion in our corner. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the co-founder and CEO of Axios, Jim Vandehei!

As Vandehei strides toward the ring, Johnny Suave can’t help but make a quip.

Johnny Suave: Well, well! If it isn’t the man who turned long-form journalism into bite-sized chunks!

Vandehei grabs a microphone, his face flushed with emotion.

Jim Vandehei: I hate this damn debate about not needing the media. It’s bull*BLEEP*!

Vandehei barrels on.

Jim Vandehei: It’s about sitting in a war zone, telling people what’s actually happening, not just looking at distortion. That matters, damn it!

Vandehei’s eyes blaze with intensity as he continues his impassioned speech.

Jim Vandehei: It matters profoundly! We don’t love getting up at 3:00, 4:00 in the morning every single day for kicks. We do it because it matters!

Johnny Suave chuckles.

Johnny Suave: Sounds like someone needs to invest in a good alarm clock.

Vandehei plows on, his voice rising.

Jim Vandehei: Everything we do is under fire. Elon Musk sits on Twitter – or X, whatever – every day saying, ‘We are the media, you are the media.’ Well, my message to Elon Musk is: Bull*BLEEP*!

The crowd collectively gasps at the expletive, some cheering, others booing.

Jim Vandehei: You’re not the media!

Vandehei gesticulates wildly.

Jim Vandehei: Having a blue check mark, a Twitter handle, and 300 words of cleverness doesn’t make you a reporter!

Vandehei, now red-faced and sweating, barrels on.

Jim Vandehei: It’s no more legitimate than me looking at your head, seeing you have a brain, and declaring myself a damn neurosurgeon!

Vandehei’s face is beet red, veins bulging in his neck as he paces the ring like a caged animal. He grips the microphone so tightly his knuckles are white.

Jim Vandehei: Being a reporter’s hard. Really hard. You have to care.

Johnny Suave: Unlike caring about your blood pressure, apparently.

Jim Vandehei: You have to do the hard work. You have to get up every single day and say I want to get to the closest approximation of the truth without any fear, without any favoritism.

As Vandehei rants, Suave thinks to himself, “This guy’s about two seconds away from spontaneously combusting. I wonder if PCW’s insurance covers ‘death by righteous indignation’?”

Vandehei’s pacing intensifies, his gestures becoming more wild with each word.

Jim Vandehei: You don’t do that by popping off on Twitter. You don’t do that by having an opinion. You do it by doing the hard work.

Johnny Suave: But yet, that’s what many in the legacy media did. And that’s why their reputations and the public’s perception of the legacy media is so bad. Speaking of new media… Eva McAvay is back again with another edition of “How Dare You?”

Jim Vandehei: Hey-

PCW cuts away to the cute 9-year-old girl.

***

“How Dare You?” with 9-year-old Eva McAvay Eva’s eyes narrow, her gaze fixating on an imaginary Kamala Harris.

Eva McAvay: And how dare you, Ms. Vice President. How dare you spend a billion dollars on your campaign and still end up owing twenty million? That’s like buying a Happy Meal and somehow owing McDonald’s your college fund!

The studio audience gasps, a mix of shock and awe rippling through the crowd.

Eva McAvay: If you can’t even balance your campaign checkbook, how in the world do you expect to handle our national piggy bank?

Eva’s tiny fists clench at her sides.

Eva McAvay: You’d probably try to pay off the national debt with Monopoly money!

Eva takes a dramatic pause, her chest heaving with righteous indignation.

Eva McAvay: How. Dare. You!

Each word is punctuated with a stomp of her light-up sneakers.

Suddenly, a tall figure emerges from the shadows of the studio.

Familiar Voice: Hey there, little warrior.

Eva whirls around, her eyes widening in recognition.

Eva McAvay: Y-you’re Elon Musk!

Elon nods, a bemused smile playing on his lips.

Elon Musk: That’s right. And I wanted to tell you, it’s going to be okay.

Eva’s jaw drops.

Elon Musk: We’re going to try and fix it.

Eva McAvay: I… I…

Her eyes roll back in her head and she crumples to the floor in a dead faint.

*THUNK*

Dawn rushes out.

Dawn McGill: Eva?

Elon Musk: It’s okay. It happens all the time.

Johnny Suave: Well, that’s one way to end a segment. Thank you Eva. Let’s go to our final match tonight… this year’s PCW CEO Match between Donald Trump and Kamala Harris.

***

MAIN EVENT-2024 PCW CEO MATCH: Donald Trump w/J.D. Vance (American Patriots) vs. Kamala Harris w/Tim Walz (Progressive Alliance) Suddenly, the familiar brassy strains of the Imperial March fill the air, melding into a thunderous chant that shakes the very foundations of the arena.

TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!

The crowd’s fervor reaches a fever pitch as Donald Trump emerges, bathed in a sea of red light. Kid Rock’s “American Rock and Roll” blasts through the speakers, and Trump raises his arms triumphantly, soaking in the adulation.

Suave’s voice rises above the din.

Johnny Suave: There he is! The man who promises to make PCW great again!

Crowder interjects, her tone skeptical.

Colleen Crowder: Or plunge it into chaos, depending on your perspective.

Trump struts down the ramp, his signature red tie flapping as he gestures to the crowd. J.D. Vance appears at his side, pumping his fist in solidarity.

As they near the ring, the music fades, replaced by Beyoncé’s “Freedom.” The crowd’s reaction splits, boos and cheers mingling in a cacophony of political division.

Oprah Winfrey steps out on stage… her voice booms through the arena.

Oprah Winfrey: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome… KAMALA HAR-RIS!

Harris emerges with Tim Walz, her stride purposeful, her eyes locked on the ring where Trump awaits. As she rolls under the bottom rope, their gazes meet, the air between them crackling with tension.

Johnny Suave: This is it, folks. The future of PCW – and perhaps America itself – will be decided tonight in this very ring.

Crowder nods gravely.

Colleen Crowder: Two ideologies, two visions for the future, about to collide in spectacular fashion. Let’s just hope the right vision prevails tonight.

As Harris and Trump circle each other, the crowd’s chants grow louder, a nation divided echoed in the voice of the PCW faithful.

Johnny Suave: Your referee will be Davey Keels. Hang on tight… we are in for a wild ride tonight. Trump versus Harris. The winner becomes the new CEO of PCW.

The bell rings, echoing through the arena as Trump and Harris lock up in the center of the ring. The crowd’s roar is deafening, a cacophony of cheers and boos battling for dominance.

Harris strikes first, her leg whipping out in a low kick that catches Trump off guard. She follows up with a swift enziguri, her foot connecting with Trump’s temple. The former president stumbles, and Harris pounces for the cover.

“One!” Davey Keels’ hand slaps the mat, but Trump kicks out with force.

Johnny Suave: Harris coming out hot! But Trump’s not going down that easy!

Trump, shaking off the cobwebs, grabs Harris and attempts to fling her into the ropes. But Harris, ever the politician, reverses the momentum. Trump, caught off-guard, grabs the ropes to steady himself.

Colleen Crowder: Slick move by Harris! She’s not letting Trump dictate the pace! She can do this.

Trump, his face a mask of determination, trips Harris as she rebounds off the ropes. She hits the mat hard, and Trump capitalizes with a brutal basement uppercut.

Johnny Suave: Oh! Trump with that patented ‘low blow’ we’ve seen so often in his political career! .

The crowd is on its feet as Trump follows up with a sliding lariat, his arm clotheslining Harris with devastating impact. He goes for the cover, and Keels’ hand comes down again.

“One! Two!” But Harris kicks out at the last second.

Trump, frustration evident on his face, grabs Harris and bodily throws her through the ropes. The fans closest to the action scatter as Harris crashes to the floor.

Johnny Suave: Trump taking this fight outside the ring!

Colleen Crowder: Just like he takes everything outside the norms of politics!

As Trump follows Harris to the outside, she scrambles for a weapon. Her hand finds a steel chair, and she swings with all her might.

CLANG!

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

The sound reverberates through the arena as the chair connects with Trump’s head. He goes down hard, and Harris seizes control.

Johnny Suave: Harris is dismantling Trump!

For the next five minutes, Harris dominates, utilizing the chair and every dirty trick in the book. She goes for multiple covers, but Trump’s resilience shines through.

Colleen Crowder: Trump kicks out at one!

Crowder sounds almost disappointed.

Colleen Crowder: You’ve got to wonder where he’s getting this strength from! Come on Kamala!

Harris, growing desperate, attempts to pillmanize Trump’s knee with the chair. But in a move that shocks everyone, Trump no-sells the attack, popping up as if nothing happened.

Johnny Suave: Unbelievable! Trump just shrugged off what should have been a devastating move! Is he even human?

As they make their way back to the ring, Harris tries to climb in first. But Trump, seizing the opportunity, grabs her and slams her hard to the floor.

Johnny Suave: Oh! Trump gives her a taste of her own medicine!”

Crowder winces.

Colleen Crowder: This match is far from over, Johnny. At least, that’s the narrative we’re reporting.

The ring creaks under the weight of the combatants as Trump and Harris circle each other, a wooden table now situated ominously in the corner. Walz and Vance, like opposing cornermen in a boxing match, toss chairs into the ring, the metallic clang echoing through the arena.

Johnny Suave: Ladies and gentlemen, this is turning into a hardware store! We’ve got tables, we’ve got chairs – what’s next, a kitchen sink?

Trump lunges forward, grabbing Harris in a headlock. She counters, twisting out and shoving him towards the ropes. As Trump rebounds, Harris ducks, aiming for a backdrop. But Trump leapfrogs over her, landing with surprising agility for a man his age.

Johnny Suave: Did you see that, Colleen? Trump’s moving like a man half his age!

Colleen Crowder: Whatever John-

Colleen Crowder’s reply is cut short as a commotion erupts at ringside. Neal Conn…

Johnny Suave: Here comes Neal Conn… making foreign policy as paramount responsibility of government, seeing the need for the U.S. acting as the world’s sole superpower as indispensable to establishing and maintaining global order. I’m supposed to say that whenever I say his name.

…and Hallie Burton…

Johnny Suave: Hallie Burton- protector of the military-industrial complex… yes… I’m supposed to say that too.

Conn and Burton along with a group of well-dressed individuals storm the ring, led by a figure that looks like Darth Vader crossed with Dick Cheney.

Johnny Suave: I wondered when they’d be making their appearance. It’s the Never Trumper group Conservative, Inc. and is that… Darth Dick Cheney?

The group swarms the ring. But then…

Johnny Suave: IT’S THE AMERICAN HEARTLAND COALITION!

‘Red Solo Cup’ Ray McAvay, PCW Champion Charlie Blackwell, ‘The Prairie Populist’ William Daniels Bryan, and the ‘Alaskan Rogue’ Sierra Whalen hop the rail and tackle Conn and Burton.

Johnny Suave: The AHC are taking care of Conservative Inc. but the Never Trumpers are at ringside now!

Bill Kristol and Charlie Sykes pulling Trump’s legs out from under him. Jonah Goldberg and David French follow up with chair shots to Trump’s back.

Harris retreats to a corner, a smirk playing on her lips as she watches the chaos unfold.

Johnny Suave: This is a travesty! Where’s the referee? Where’s security?

As if in answer, the crowd pops when a new group charges down the ramp. Elon Musk leads the charge, followed closely by Vivek Ramaswamy and Bobby Kennedy Jr.

Johnny Suave: The anti-establishment squad is here!

Musk slides into the ring, immediately tackling David Brooks. Ramaswamy goes after Mitt Romney, while RFK Jr. grapples with George Conway.

The ring becomes a sea of flailing limbs and flying chairs. Tulsi Gabbard grabs the Washington Post’s so-called ‘conservative’ columnist Jennifer Rubin by the hair, tossing her over the top rope.

Johnny Suave: Jen Rubin… who called for newspaper writers to quit the LA Times and USA Today because they wouldn’t endorse Kamala Harris… but didn’t offer to quit the Washington Post… gets thrown out of the ring.

Trump, finally free from the pile-on, stumbles to his feet. He locks eyes with Darth Dick Cheney, who’s advancing menacingly.

Johnny Suave: Here we go. Time to drain the swamp.

Trump grabs a nearby chair.

Colleen Crowder: I’m a little conflicted on this. Yes, Cheney throwing his support to Harris is good. But Dick Cheney? Ehhh…

As Cheney reaches for him, Trump swings the chair with all his might, connecting with a resounding clang that seems to shake the very foundations of the arena.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP! Down goes Cheney!

Nicole Shanahan tosses Liz Cheney through the ropes.

Johnny Suave: And there goes Liz. Wait… there’s a commotion. Now what?

The arena erupts as a new wave of chaos descends upon the ring. A swarm of suits and microphones floods down the ramp.

Johnny Suave: The legacy media has arrived! ABC, CBS, NBC, PBS, NPR, CNN, MSNBC – they’re all here!

Colleen Crowder leans forward, her eyes gleaming.

Colleen Crowder: Finally, some real journalists to set the record straight!

The legacy media crew circles the ring like sharks, but J.D. Vance is ready. He clotheslines an MSNBC anchor over the top rope, then hip-tosses a CNN correspondent out of the ring.

Colleen becomes alarmed.

Colleen Crowder: What is he doing?

Johnny Suave: Vance is cleaning house!” Suave shouts. “These media folks are about as welcome as fact-checkers at a campaign rally!”

Vivek Ramaswamy joins the fray, suplexing a CBS reporter onto a conveniently placed table.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Suddenly, the crowd erupts and Suave’s voice reaching a fever pitch.

Johnny Suave: IT’S JOE ROGAN!”

The podcast king sprints down the ramp, leaping into the ring with the agility of a UFC fighter. Rogan immediately locks eyes with a terrified ABC anchor.

Rogan growls, before launching into a spinning back kick that sends the anchor flying through the ropes.

As Rogan, Vance, and Ramaswamy clear the ring of the last media stragglers, the crowd chants: “JOE! JOE! JOE!”

But the night is far from over. The familiar strains of “Hail to the Chief” fill the arena, and two figures appear at the top of the ramp.

Colleen Crowder: YES! It’s Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama!

Crowder can barely containing her excitement.

Colleen Crowder: Maybe they can get Harris across the line.

As they make their way down, Tulsi Gabbard locks eyes with Hillary. Without warning, she sprints across the ring and dives through the ropes, tackling Clinton to the ground.

Johnny Suave: CAT-FIGHT… CAT-FIIIIIIGHT!

The two women roll around on the entrance ramp.

Colleen Crowder: WHAT IS SHE DOING?

Johnny Suave: Hillary Clinton once accused Tulsi an agent of Russia back in 2019 after Gabbard tore apart Kamala Harris in a debate. She didn’t forget.

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

Suddenly, Don Cheadle, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Evans, Robert Downey, Jr, Scarlett Johansson, and Paul Bettany appear on stage.

Colleen Crowder: YES!

Johnny Suave: Big Hollywood’s big stars are here tonight on Kamala Harris’s behalf and- WAIT!

The arena erupts in chaos as a group of bearded men in suspenders and wide-brimmed hats storm the stage.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP.

Suave’s voice cracks with disbelief.

Johnny Suave: It’s a group of angry Amish men from Pennsylvania!

Colleen Crowder: WH- WHAT ARE THEY DOING?

Johnny Suave: They’re mad because of a January federal raid on a local raw milk farm in Bird in Hand, Pa. The Pennsylvania Department of Agriculture stormed Amos Miller’s farm Jan. 4 after reports of illnesses in children linked to raw dairy products purchased there.

As straw hats and designer sunglasses fly, Trump seizes the moment. He grabs Harris, whipping her into the ropes.

Johnny Suave: Hotshot Stunner!

Trump catches Harris on the rebound, driving her head into his shoulder.

Colleen Crowder: NOOOO!

Trump’s not done. He hoists Harris up in a fireman’s carry, circling the ring as the crowd roars as Trump brings Harris crashing down.

Johnny Suave: Side Slam by Trump and he’s in control of this match.

Davey Keels slides into position, his hand slapping the mat. “One! Two!” But Harris kicks out at the last second.

Trump climbs the turnbuckle, his tie flapping in the wind. The fans are on their feet, cell phones raised to capture the moment. Suddenly, a blur of movement catches Trump’s eye.

Colleen Crowder: It’s Joy Reid!

The MSNBC host runs in and grabs Harris, pulling her to safety.

Trump’s face contorts with frustration.

Johnny Suave: You can run, but you can’t hide from the red wave!

Colleen Crowder: Stop saying that!

Trump leaps from the turnbuckle and pursues Harris around the ring.

As Trump chases Harris back inside, Suave leans into his mic.

Johnny Suave: Folks, I’ve seen a lot in my days at PCW, but this… this is unprecedented!

Colleen Crowder: I think I’m going to be sick.

The arena plunges into darkness.

Johnny Suave: Uh oh.

A sinister cackle echoes through the speakers as lightning flashes across the jumbotron.

Johnny Suave: It’s the Supreme Dark Overlord of PCW, Joe Biden!

A hooded figure emerges from billowing smoke, dressed like the political version of Star Wars’ Emperor Palpatine. His eyes glowing an eerie blue behind a pair of dark sunglasses beneath the cowl. As he raises his gnarled hands and removes the sunglasses, electricity crackles from his eyes.

A bolt of political force energy shoots from Biden’s eyes. Trump ducks, the electricity sizzling past his ear and hitting a hot dog vendor in the aisle behind him incinerating him instantly.

J.D. Vance scrambles, grabbing a nearby mirror and tossing it to Trump. Trump catches the mirror just as another bolt flies towards him. He angles the glass, deflecting the energy. It ricochets, striking Kamala Harris. Her pants ignite in blue flames.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Colleen Crowder: My God! Her pants are on fire!

Johnny Suave: Hmmm… I seem to remember a certain phrase that ends with ‘pants on fire.’

Colleen Crowder: That’s not funny!

Harris shrieks, desperately patting at the flames. Tim Walz rushes to her aid.

Biden’s eyes unleash a second bolt of political force energy. Again, Vance deflects this one into the path of Tim Walz who stumbles into its path. His own trousers burst into flames.

Colleen Crowder: JOE! STOP!

Johnny Suave: It’s pandemonium in the ring! We’ve got flaming politicians everywhere!

Trump seizes his chance. As Harris flails, trying to extinguish herself, he lunges forward. In one fluid motion, he wraps his arms around her waist and rolls her up from behind.

Referee Davey Keels drops to the mat. “One!”

The crowd roars.

“Two!”

Trump grits his teeth, using all his strength to keep Harris pinned.

“Three!”

The bell rings. Trump releases his hold, staggering to his feet as the realization hits him.

Johnny Suave: HE’S DONE IT!

On the stage, Biden’s lips curl into a satisfied smirk. His work here is finished. He turns, disappearing into the shadows as quickly as he arrived.

Kimber Marshall makes it official.

Kimber Marshall: Your winner and new CEO of PCW… DONALD TRUMP!

The arena erupts. Vance, Musk, Ramaswamy, RFK Jr., Gabbard, and Shanahan flood the ring, lifting Trump onto their shoulders in triumph.

Colleen Crowder: I can’t believe it!

Crowder gasps, her professional facade cracking.

Colleen Crowder: Harris was on fire… literally!

Johnny Suave: And she lost.

Colleen Crowder: And she lost.

Johnny Suave: Colleen, looks like Trump just fired Harris from the top job!

Colleen Crowder: Stop rubbing it in.

Suave turns to his co-commentator, his voice thick with emotion.

Johnny Suave: We’ve witnessed history tonight. Donald Trump has become the first person in the PCW era to do what Grover Cleveland once did a hundred years ago- win two non-consecutive terms. Love him or hate him, Donald Trump is once again at the helm of PCW.

Colleen Crowder: Oh God… no.

As the celebration rages, a commotion erupts at the entrance ramp. New York Governor Kathy Hochul storms out, her face as red as the seats of the American Patriot section as she shrieks into a microphone.

Kathy Hochul: Anyone who supports Donald Trump and this… this travesty is anti-American!

Suddenly, two costumed figures burst from the crowd.

Johnny Suave: Wait! Is that… Peanut the Squirrel and Fred the Raccoon?

The anthropomorphic duo charges Hochul, executing a perfect double clothesline that sends her sprawling.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Colleen sighs.

Colleen Crowder: And now Kathy Hochul get taken out by two dead pets!

The crowd’s cheers turn to boos as Jennifer Rubin of the Washington Post rushes the stage, shoving Peanut and Fred to the floor.

Jennifer Rubin: MAGA squirrel deserved to die!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Jennifer Rubin: The media, it must be said, did not fulfill its role in educating the public and advancing truth as their primary objective. Refusal to explore Trump’s manifest defects and place him and his movement in the context of fascist strongmen and their cults had the effect of normalizing and legitimizing a candidate utterly unfit for office. But the facts nevertheless were there for anyone who cared to look. At some point, voters are responsible for their own decisions.

The crowd’s roar intensifies as Dawn McGill’s entrance music hits. The statuesque blonde strides down the ramp, her piercing blue eyes locked on Jennifer Rubin in the ring. Dawn’s tight black dress hugs her curves, leaving little to the imagination.

Dawn sneers at Rubin and snatches a microphone.

Dawn McGill: Well, well, if it isn’t the Washington Post’s resident hack. Jen Rubin, the queen of bad takes herself.

Rubin bristles, her face reddening.

Jennifer Rubin: How dare you! I’m a respected journalist-

Dawn McGill: You’re a joke.

Dawn cuts her off, climbing into the ring. She towers over Rubin, using every inch of her six-foot frame to intimidate.

Dawn McGill: A smug, stuck-up elitist who wouldn’t know real America if it bit you on your Beltway bubble ass.

The crowd erupts in cheers. Dawn basks in their energy, feeling the electricity coursing through the arena.

Jennifer Rubin: Listen here, you silicone-enhanced bimbo.

Rubin jabs a finger at Dawn’s chest.

Jennifer Rubin: I’ve forgotten more about politics than you’ll ever know!

Dawn’s eyes narrow dangerously. In one fluid motion, she grabs Rubin’s wrist and twists, eliciting a yelp of pain.

Dawn McGill: First of all, these are 100% real, honey. Second, you can take your elitist attitude and go *BLEEP* yourself with it.

The censored expletive echoes through the arena, drawing shocked gasps and raucous cheers in equal measure. Dawn releases Rubin’s wrist, shoving her back against the ropes.

Dawn McGill: You need to get out of your ivory tower and see what’s really going on in this country instead of sipping your lattes and writing hit pieces.

Rubin, red-faced and sputtering, stumbles backwards out of the ring. She trips on the bottom rope, nearly face-planting on the floor before catching herself. As she scurries up the ramp, Dawn’s laughter follows her.

Then… of course… Keith Olbermann appears, red-faced and spittle-flecked.

Keith Olbermann: Russian collusion!

Johnny Suave: Oh… no.

Keith Olbermann: It’s all Russian collusion!

Aimee Allen’s Ron Paul Anthem begins to play and the crowd pops.

Wake up! Wake up! Good morning America! Rise and Shine.

Johnny Suave: WAIT A MINUTE! NO WAY!

Rise and Shine!

A group appears and two drummers lead the procession. Some hold up a sign with a black and white drawing on the side of Ron Paul’s face with ‘Ron Paul-Revolution’ on the bottom.

Ron Paul! Save our constitutional rights Ron Paul! We’re not gonna give up the fight

Johnny Suave: HE’S BACK!

Keith Olbermann: What the- ARRRRRGHHHH!

Olbermann gets pushed off the stage and lands on the floor.

Ron Paul! Start a revolution and break down illegal institutions

Finally Ron Paul himself appears.

Johnny Suave: RON PAUL AND HIS NEW LIBERTARIAN ARMY ARE BACK IN PCW!

Colleen sighs.

Colleen Crowder: Why not?

The parade starts down the ring towards Trump, Musk, and the others.

PCW!… PCW!… PCW!…

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