#Same with Hopper but I also want some tender Hopper moments

[ekza-art]

Why is Mike so dumb? (Not really)

The layered internal conflicts of the characters in Stranger Things are truly admirable. And the fact that people refuse to see that behind the words of the characters may be hiding something completely different from what they mean, only confirms this: people love to deceive, and first of all themselves.

"Friends don't lie" has become more than just the Party's naïve motto as they've grown older, it's become the keynote that, after coming full circle, like so much else on the show, it's back to full circle by Season 5. The Duffer brothers have made the lines of the show's key characters incredibly deep and complex, and what's happening right now between El, Will and Mike is one of the most complex and truly horrifying tragedies of our entire existence.

It always seemed very strange to me how a large number of people cling to Mileven and do not see anything else around. At the same time, I do not feel hatred or rejection towards lovers of the Mike / Eleven couple. But let's be objective: how many couples do you know who have stayed with each other for life, becoming each other's first? I'm not talking about the couples from the series that ended up getting this far, let's talk about reality. Children's first love is something truly pure, tender, almost holy. I was also in love with my 11-12 years old, and when now, at 31, I remember this, I remember only warmth and bright feelings. I remember this boy's name, but I don't even remember his face.

At the same time, the Duffer brothers in an interview frankly told us several key things: they do not believe in love at first sight, they do not consider the relationship between Mike and Eleven to be something serious, they describe this relationship as “Mike found a puppy in the forest and wanted to take care of him". Plus, and I think it's a big deal, when Eleven was first seen, Party had her hair cut so short that other people thought she was a boy -- at 11 years old, boys and girls aren't that different yet. At the same time, I always liked the ease and acceptance with which Mike spoke about El in any of its forms: he really didn't care if she looked like a girl or a boy, he finds her "pretty" in any form. And I think this is also important.

I was a fan of Mileven myself until the end of Season 2. I cried and was touched by the way Mike and El kissed at the Snow Ball. But during Season 3, I began to understand that something was clearly wrong going on between them. And Mike is really starting to act weird. At this time, they are 14 years old, more conscious sexuality begins to wake up. Hormones are raging and all that stuff. And at these moments, I begin to notice in Mike that he is not really want to take next base in relationships with El. Don't you remember yourself at 14? I remember myself very clear. We hung out in groups, and when the boys paid attention to us, we wanted to be as tactile with them as possible. But Mike is limited to very modest hand touches. This is his maximum, while El hugs him, reaches for him, while kissing wants to touch his face and hair. This is weird. I do not take into account Mike's lies in all of this, but for some reason one very important thing comes to my mind: at 11 years old, Mike did not listen to Hopper and went to look for Will with the Party on his own, at 12 years old, Mike, angry, attacked Hopper with his fists. And then suddenly he was horrified by Hopper when he scared Mike a little? Last year a boy literally saw a possessed friend and dead people, for God sake! At the same time, the boy probably understood that Jim would not do anything to him, would not harm him at all. So why did he start to avoid El and come up with all sorts of nonsense? Was he just looking for a reason? And the words of Jim to Joyce are also important: "they kiss all the time." That is, apart from kisses, a couple of Mike and El are not interested in anything else and do not have a connect without any "End of the World" danger? That's really sad.

"Mike tries to be normal as hard as he can" is practically a Finn's quote from Season 4. And in general, the way Finn refers to his character as an "idiot" in other interviews shows us that he understands what's going on with Mike, and it pisses him off. If this isn't a sexual identity crisis, then what could be tormenting Mike so much? I remember my identity crisis, which I lived at the age of 15-18. It almost took me to a psychiatrist and a surgeon because I couldn't figure out why I liked both boys and girls and why I sometimes felt like a guy. It was scary. I lived in Russia in the 2000s and it was very similar to the 1980s in America, trust me. The clash of conservatism and liberalism regarding sexual minorities and their representation on TV was simply crazy. I had no where to get information about what was happening to me. And as I look at Mike's tossing, I remember that I also tried my best to be "normal." I had my first sex at 20, with my close many-years friend, because it was too scary for me. And at the same time I suffered very deeply inside and thought that I was going crazy. Of course, Mike begins to lie to himself and believe his lies in order to stay sane. He really believes what he says at the end of Season 4. But his monologue is the bizarre mixture of lies and half-truths that he is now capable of.

I sincerely believe that Mike loves El. However, he is completely honest when he says that he "cares about her", calls her a "superhero" and cannot say "I love you" when El expects these words from him as her boyfriend. He loves her, but not in the way that El loves him -- not in a romantic way. Mike's monologue at the end of Season 4 is kind of a compromise. He reconciled his two opposing sides inside and brought them to what we have in the final. But while it's true that he might like guys too, he's not ready to dive just yet.

And at the same time, I really like the way El reacts to all of this. I want to ask the Mileven fans why, after the long-awaited “I love you”, El barely talks to Mike and feels lonely? She had been waiting for these words for so long, heard them -- but is she unhappy? Doesn't this seem strange? I would love to hear an explanation of this situation, because if it's not that El sensed the lie in Mike's words (and that he was lying to himself first of all), then I don't understand what is happening. I think El is amazing and she deserves the truth. And a relationship with a guy who is confused in himself is not what she deserves.

I'm truly sorry for Mike. I understand his conflict, I understand his suffering. He really is terribly confused. And I love how the Duffer brothers showed us that from the very beginning of the series. While everyone was wondering if Will was gay (although in the very first developments for the series, the phrase "has difficulties with sexual identity" was literally on the second line of Will's description, that is, it is a key to his personality), they dragged through the growing up Mike's internal conflict, giving us such microscopic clues that it was very easy to miss.

The theme of growing up, changes in oneself and in the world, self-determination, presented by the Duffer brothers in Stranger Things is really brilliant. We are used to the fact that there are shows for children and there are shows for teenagers, and these are completely different age categories and they raise completely different topics. And because of this, the very transition between these categories seems to turn into a perennial abyss. Although in fact the border is very thin, and it is this border that is the most conflicting of the moments of life. We are used to the fact that 15-16 year old teenagers are played by 20+ year old actors, this does not seem strange. And I don’t know how about you, but I still have very strange feelings from the fact that in Season 1 we see 11-13 year old actors who play 12-year-old characters with their childish games, and in 4 season they are already 18-20 years old, their characters have become full-fledged teenagers of 15-16 years old, and they really grew up. But, unlike other shows where we get to know teenage characters already at their 15-16, here we grew up with them. We live together with these complex conflicts of adolescence. And yes, that's why we often feel uncomfortable about it. We want certainty, we want to see that the characters have clear answers to everything, but come on guys! Let's be honest with each other.

[magicalwastelands]

byler

byler is almost always paralleled to romantic couples and not paralleled to friendships. i was thinking about this the other day and turns out you guys voted for byler on the poll so HERE IT IS :)))

minor spoiler alert for: heartstopper, harry potter, stranger things

i'll be talking about how byler parallels to:

romantic pairings in stranger things

romantic pairings in other shows/movies (ive posted a more in-depth post about taoelle [romantic pairing in heartstopper] and byler being similar - if u want you can go check that out!!)

NOT friendships in stranger things (how it rarely parallels to other friendship pairings in the show compared to romantic ones)

romantic pairings in stranger things

jopper (joyce / hopper)

a. jopper has some scenes that parallel byler (this is just one example):

"I think we make a pretty good team." "I think it'll be easier if we're... we're a team."

b. also this music (you might know this already lol but this is just SO CRAZY LIKE WHAT DO YOU MEAN "oh, it's joyce and hopper" AND THE SAME SUBTITLES ARE SHOWN DURING SCENES WITH MIKE AND WILL???!? WHAT?????????????????????) [ website ]

[tender, emotional music swells] [tender, emotional music playing]

rockie (robin / vickie)

a. robin is the only confirmed gay character other than will and her crush on vickie is being shown as possibly reciprocated in the last ep of s4

[tender, emotional music playing] --- also another example of these subtitles

b. vickies relationship with her boyfriend is similar to mikes relationship with el (btw i loooove el im not saying shes similar to that guy, just talking about her relationship with mike and the love triangle imagery)

then theres these scenes of them being DIRECTLY positioned between established couples like.... these scenes are too crazy

2. romantic pairings in other shows/movies - this is strange because why would their dynamic be so similar to couples dynamics? if theyre just supposed to be friends???

harry potter - ron and hermione (I DO NOT SUPPORT JK R*WL*NG)

a. best friends to lovers trope / slowburn trope

in the final harry potter movie, ron and hermione have their first kiss. in the final season of stranger things, mike and w-

b. these scenes...

c. love triangles - ron thinks hermione likes harry over him (similar situation with will but mike and el are actually dating)

Heartstopper - nick and charlie

a. blue and yellow

b. this in the actual books - nick is the heart of the rugby team and mike is the heart of the party:

"You're the heart and centre of this team, Nick." "You're the heart."

c. bonus: i recently bought the heartstopper colouring book (its suuuper cute btw love it) and theres this???? is it giving paladin and cleric vibes???????

3. friendship pairings

lucas and dustin (im only gonna talk abt them for examples of friendship pairings)

a. season 1 - last ep, mike is super worried about will and immediately jumps up to see and hug him (he says that will is awake 3 times), while dustin and lucas are asleep

[snoring] "Guys. Guys, he's up. Will is up. Guys, Will's up."

also omg in this scene dustin calls her a "wizard" and then mike CORRECTS HIM SAYING SHES MORE LIKE YODA I CAN'T... CAUSE WILL IS THE WIZARD NOT EL..... ALSO BRO YODA??? THAT GIRL YOU KISSED AND ARE GOING TO DATE FOR LIKE A YEAR AND SAY YOU LOVE HER IS LIKE YODA???????

"She's basically a wizard." "More like a Yoda."

like bro... THIS UR GF???? LOVE OF YOUR LIFE???????????? YOUR LIFE STARTED BC OF HER?????? (feat. will being the wizard el can't replace in mikes head...)

b. different reactions to will's "body" being pulled out of the lake

lucas says that it must be will. mike doesn't accept the body being will's. (NOT LUCAS SLANDER DON'T WORRY I LOVE HIM)

shocked, has to lean on the truck to calm himself down, gets mad at el because she couldn't help him save will, is in tears, doesn't care about eleven in this moment because he's so sad that will is "dead"

(also sorry for the bad vid quality)

mike is obviously the most affected one by the "body" being found.

c. whenever something happens with will and mike, the others know they shouldn't interrupt, like this (lucas knows not to follow mike out):

and this (they're walking behind the others, having their own private conversation):

and also this (max doesn't get it but the others know mike and will want to be alone):

d. if mike, will, dustin and lucas are all just friends, and mike also said this to dustin (talking about lucas at first) ...

(Mike: He's not my best friend. [sighs] I mean, he is, but so are you. And so is Will.)

... then why is the relationship between mike and will so different and singled out to the relationship between ANY OTHER PAIRING BETWEEN THE FOUR if lucas, dustin and will are all supposed to be mike's best friends??

[quinnick]

Joyce interacting with her kids again and not just partnered up with Hopper exclusively like she has been for the past 2 seasons

[kaypeace21]

Lets talk about how these spotify songs confirm byler’s endgame.

Will’s songs

Don’t you forget about me: illustrates Will’s feelings after Mike says they won’t be together for the rest of their lives (but have to get gfs). Love’s “strange” (stranger things). And Will fears change will pull them apart- and as it rains he hopes Mike won’t forget about him/ and questions if Mike will ‘ever love him’. And Mike in the rain (instead of “walking on by?”) calls his name.

“Tell me your troubles and doubts.Giving me everything inside and out and Love’s strange so real in the dark. Think of the tender things that we were working on…Slow change may pull us apart.Don’t you, forget about me.Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t.Don’t you, forget about me.Will you stand above me?Look my way, never love me?Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling.Down, down, down.Will you recognize me?Call my name or walk on by? rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling. “

“Don’t you try and pretend. It’s my feeling we’ll win in the end.I won’t harm you or touch your defenses-Vanity and security.Don’t you forget about meI’ll be alone, dancing you know it baby .Going to take you apart.I’ll put us back together at heart, baby Don’t you, forget about me.”

( Will physically took them ‘apart’ -from the photo. But in the end it’s also Mike who fears Will will forget about him too. And Will doesn’t harm Mike by picking at his insecurities - like lack of ‘security' in their relationship. But just says the truth that it’s “not possible” to replace him (after he moves). And of course deep down they know they’ll be together in the end. )

upsidedown: Just Will saying he loves Mike and he turns Will ‘insideout” (like the previous song) and “upsidedown”. And he loves him but he’s “crazy’ (cough ‘crazy together’) to think Mike is all his. But no matter what he’ll always love Mike.

“I said, “Upside down, you’re turning me.You’re giving love instinctively.Boy, you turn me inside out .And ‘round and 'round-Upside down…Instinctively, you give to me the love that I need.I cherish the moments with you… no one makes me feel like you do…I know you got charm and appeal.You always play the field.I’m crazy to think you’re all mine.As long as the sun continues to shine.There’s a place in my heart for you, that’s the bottom line.”

here i go again: Will saying he’s “not going to fall in love” ever (like he said in s3) cause he doesn’t want to waste time on Mike. But he keeps backpedalling on the idea and desiring to love Mike for ‘the rest of his days’. Like how Will said he thought they’d never get gfs but play games for the rest of their lives.

“ (verse 3)And here I go again on my own.Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known…Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone.And I’ve made up my mind.I ain’t wasting no more time . (verse 4)Just another heart in need of rescue- waiting on love’s sweet charity.I’m gonna hold on for the rest of my days'Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams (verse 5) And here I go again on my own .Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known.Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone.And I’ve made up my mind I ain’t wasting no more time.BUT here I go again.Here I go again.Here I go again.Ooh baby, ooh yeah.”

Take my breath away: This excerpt speaks for itself that byler is real/endgame after Will moves/s4 and 5. XD

Mike’s songs

Will’s canon Spotify playlist. He ALSO has the song “I’m still standing” by Elton John (who is gay)? Aka cause Mike has a ‘romantic comeback’ with Will XD

I’m still standing’ is a guy bragging about a breakup and now feeling like a kid -lol Mike saying he feels like a 7 y old after the breakup . And moving on -lol it’s mileven).   The album is from “to be continued...” I MEAN, C’mon. That’s , very on the nose for s4 byler happening after mileven XD

‘Your blood, like winter, freezes just like ice” (when El broke up with Mike , “cold as ice” played).”I got a taste of love in a simple way.And if you need to know why I’m still standing.You just fade away.Don’t you know I’m still standing better than I ever did?Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid.And I’m still standing after all this time.Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind.”

‘Baby I lied’, also reminds me of the byler fight where Mike insults Will/talks about El and then says to Will “ But, we’re not kids anymore. I mean, what did you think, REALLY?  That we’d never get girlfriends? Sit in my basement and play games for the rest of our lives?” Causing Will to storm off crying- thinking Mike doesn’t even imagine Will being there for the rest of his life (in favor of a girlfriend).And then Mike (although already knowing of his feelings for Will) realizing that it wasn’t a temporary crush/phase- but that he was in love with Will. And only realizing he can’t live without him when Will left. Making it sink it to Mike that he was lying to Will during their fight.

“Did I say that I’d be okay if you said good-bye? And did I promise you I could take it if we were through? And forget about these feelings inside? Baby I lied when I told you I could walk away .Baby I lied…And did I ever tell myself I could always find someone else? Did I say if you left today it’d be no surprise? Did I ever leave any doubt I could hold up if you walked out? I know I told you that I could survive. Baby I lied…And now that I can see you walking out of my life . Saying good-bye, I realize….”

also ‘Love is a battlefield’ (could be recontextualized/interpreted through a que*r lens  given the time period-typical hom*phobia) . Love would be considered a ‘battlefield’. ( The song could be. about 2 people refusing to state their feelings/ holding back from doing anything romantic. Despite both people in the song secretly knowing the other secretly reciprocates mutual romantic feelings)  . But they fear pursuing anything cause society says their love would be ‘wrong’. It also reminds me of s3 byler fight . Both ‘standing’ secretly in ‘heartache’. One character in the song(Mike) being mean to the singer who’s angry and wants to go home (Will). Then after that (Mike/song character) begs the singer (Will) to stay but then is mean to the singer again . So in response (Will/singer) gets annoyed and then asks ‘am I in your way? or am I the ‘best thing’ you have?(s2 byler ref). And the singer could internally question if they made a move on the Mike (/song character) would they be rejected? And like that singer ,Will, also throws Mike’s words in his face by saying he actually did think they’d be together for the rest of their lives without girlfriends (cause he may suspects Mike is full of shit?). The singer pretty much says-when it becomes impossible to ignore your romantic feelings for me - you’ll realize you’ll need me ! The song also emphasizes they’re “young” (kids) and Will/the singer  questions if their love will get  “old” , but quickly decides their love can’t get ‘old’ or die (despite Mike’s lies stating the contrary) * Also saying “no promises��� could be a ref to show it’s the opposite of mileven who have the promise line.*Seems like the song is from Will’s pov. 

“We are young.(Heartache to heartache) We stand. No promises(No demands)…We are strong. No one can tell us we’re wrong. Searching our hearts for so long. Both of us knowing, love is a battlefield. You’re begging me to go. Then making me stay. Why do you hurt me so bad? It would help me to know : Do I stand in your way?Or am I the ‘best thing’ you have?When I’m losing control.Will you turn me away? And when all this gets old,will it still feel the same?There’s no way this will die. But if we get much closer.I could lose control.And if your heart surrenders-you’ll need me to hold.”

‘Kiss off’ could also be seen through a queer lens aka Mike trying to deny he’s gay but realizing at the end of s3 it’s not a phase. And hopefully learning to accept it in s4.

“I need someone, a person to talk to. Someone who’d care to love. Could it be you?could it be you?Situation gets rough. Then I start to panic. It’s not enough!it’s just a habit! Hey, kid your sick. Well, darling this is it! You can all just kiss off into the air!Behind my back I can see them stare.They’ll hurt me bad . But I won’t mind. They’ll hurt me bad, they do it all the time.” 

El’s songs

 The power of Love is the 1st song that shows El desire to learn about love despite it scaring her and not really understanding her relationship with Mike. (it’s a very heteronormative idea- “I’m your man /i’m your women” so we’ll fall in love). It also shows her more questionable behavior like spying on Mike. (The later songs illustrate mileven falling apart.)

“Even though there may be times it seems I'm far away. Never wonder where I am'.Cause I am always by your side.'Cause I am your lady.And you are my man...We're heading for something.Somewhere I've never been.Sometimes I am frightened.But I'm ready to learn of the Power Of Love.”

  (The second song)Another one bites the dust is about a dysfunctional romantic relationship.

Girls just want to have fun illustrates El’s annoyance with both Hopper controlling her, and Mike (like Hopper trying to control her) and keep her away from the outside world. And just preferring hanging out with Max and not having a romantic relationship.

“ (verse 2)My father yells, "What you gonna do with your life?".Oh daddy dear, you know you're still number one.But girls, they wanna have fun... (verse 4) Some boys take a beautiful girl and hide her away from the rest of the world.I want to be the one to walks in the sun.Oh girls, they wanna have fun.Oh girls just wanna have.That's all they really want. Some fun.”

Don’t tell me lies - (El in s4) saying they’re whole relationship is a lie and she was ‘naive’ to think otherwise.But now she knows her Mike will be with someone else and their relationship was always based on a lie. And she’s ok on her own. “Every move you made before was never meant for real.Over my naivety is this how I should feel?...they'll never ever be another one.Don't tell me lies.Don't tell me lies.Looking back I realize it's always been this way.We must note what has gone and never turn away...Broken loose from indecision.Now I'm alright on my own...I guess I'm alright on my own.”

 I feel like i’ve talked the lying aspect to death but it’s an important element to their relationship.

Mike while apologizing to El at the grocery store never apologizes for lying -despite it being the cause of the breakup . He never apologized for lying cause the love is the lie- like Max said “boyfriends lie ALL THE TIME”. And it’s why the camera panned to Will when Lucas asked why Mike lied to her. And he never answers El’s question of ‘why do you lie?!’ (he just looks up silent and guilt ridden).  In s2, Mike says “i never gave up on you (to El). “ When moments earlier he says to Max “it took her just like it took Bob.” HE’S LYING AGAIN . He thought she was d*ad.Plus he also fought with Hopper in s2 (’about El’) in Will’s room too. He wasn’t actually calling Hopper the liar he was calling himself “a stupid disgusting liar”out of self hate . That scene was foreshadowing his lying to El in s3 (about his feelings for her). He blamed Hopper for his feelings for Will cause he told himself it wouldn’t have escalated if El had been around to ‘fix him’ . “I BLAME YOU! NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS OK! NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS OK. YOU STUPID DISGUSTING liar, liar, liar, liar”.starts crying.

In s3, mike (in Will’s room) did not reciprocate El’s kiss/ or say ‘i love you ‘ back  and had his eyes open while the same exact song plays that robin came out to: called ‘the first i love you’. These are the only times the song plays in s3. The ‘first i love you’ also sounds like ‘the first lie’ - that song played when jancy said they were just friends. it sounds the same cause jancy lied about it not being romantic while mileven lied by saying it was.  

Ugh- why are the tags not working? I guess , please, reblog if the tags continue to act up or else no one will see this.XD

[flamehairedwritings]

Blind Date/Set Up By Friends

Characters: Chief Jim Hopper x Female Reader

Words: 1.6k

Rating: M

A/N: Hello! Welcome to the third day of my 7 Days of Valentine’s Drabbles, the 2021 edition!

This story contains swearing and two idiots in love.

Please don’t copy or steal my work, and please don’t post it on any other sites; credit does not count.

—

Blind Date/Set Up By Friends

“No.”

The word comes out of your mouth before you can even attempt to stop it.

“Shit,” he says in reply.

The couple at the table next to you glance up before quickly looking away, not wanting to be caught and embarrassed on their special night. You don’t care at all, though, because you’ve been set up on a blind date with Jim fucking Hopper.

The most irritating man in the entire universe.

The exact same thoughts seem to be running through his mind because his jaw is moving and he’s staring at you. Stood there in a fucking beige (is that linen?) suit with a Hawaiian shirt on underneath, hair combed, beard trimmed. And he’s staring at you like you’re the anomaly here.

I’m gonna kill Jodie.

Raising your eyebrows, your hands lift.

“Right. Well. There’s obviously been a mistake here.”

“You think?” His eyebrows are also rising, hands going to his hips.

Even though you despise him, that irks you.

“Okay, so, you can just go, then.” You sit back down, hands returning to the menu you’d dropped on the table in your sudden standing.

“Me?”

You glance up at him, his tone and indignation surprising you. “Yeah. Bye.”

Your eyes drop back to the menu, looking at it but not exactly reading because he’s not moving.

“Uh, and why me?”

I’m dealing with a fucking child.

Lips parting, you look up at him like it’s the most obvious thing in the world, because it is.

“Because I was here first?”

Hopper snorts, arching an eyebrow. “What, you gonna eat on your own?”

“Yeah.”

Yeah, I’m going to eat on my own on Valentine’s Day and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Who even sets two people up on a date on Valentine’s Day?!

Before you can even think about looking at the menu again, Hopper scoffs.

“Well, I don’t want to go, you go.”

“No,” you shoot back incredulously, face twisting like you’ve tasted something sour.

He stares at you. And then he shrugs.

“Fine.”

Gripping the back of the chair opposite you, he pulls it back and sits in it.

“Oh my God,” you hiss, “Go and sit somewhere else.”

Adjusting his suit jacket, he then casts a hand around, gesturing at the restaurant. “Can’t you see it’s busy here? I’m not gonna find another seat.”

“Then go.”

“No.”

Then, he lifts up his menu and peruses it, a finger tapping against his lips. You just stare at him, feeling hot with frustration and irritation. Yes, you could just leave and buy something from the store on the way home and settle in for a cosy night, but you’d so been looking forward to a night out in a nice restaurant and some stimulating conversation from someone Jodie had said was perfect for you.

Perfect for you.

PERFECT FOR YOU.

That’s all you’d manage to get out of her about your date, apart from that it was on Valentine’s Day at Enzo’s and the employees there were aware of what kind of date it was.

You just can’t stop staring at him as he casually flicks through the menu while you quietly simmer with anger. This is why he gets under your skin so much; he’s just so stubborn. Exhaling a breath through your teeth, you force yourself to browse your own menu, even though you already know what you’re going to order. You’d arrived early, hating the idea of being flustered by trying to locate your date, and he’d... well, he’d arrived on time actually.

A pleasant surprise, but not enough to soothe your skin that prickles at the mere mention of him. Your friends and colleagues just laugh when the topic comes up.

Hop’? Hopper? The charming Chief of the town? Heart of gold underneath all that gruffness? Those big, strong arms and that flirty mouth? How could you not like him?

Well, you just... don’t. No reason. He’s not done anything to you, not said anything, you just... don’t. You can’t even really remember the first time you spoke to him when you moved here. Was it at a bar? The diner? You just remember the feeling when a friend had introduced you; prickly skin and a flipping stomach. His attitude towards you had left you feeling strange, too; you remember that he was blunt and eager to get away, barely looking you in the eye.

What an asshole.

... But, yeah, all right, maybe you had found him attractive, but then you’d seen him in bars picking up enthusiastically willing women left, right and centre and it had just... irked you, considerably.

Who does he think he is? I bet he thought whoever he was meeting tonight was going to be another one, that she’d be completely bowled over and was going to fall at his feet. Well, absolutely not, no thank you.

Every meeting you’ve had since, passing each other on the street, meeting each others gaze at the bar, having to converse in group conversations at parties, standing in line behind each other at the store, has been strained, with him either quickly looking away a little too late, so obviously not wanting to engage with you, or you just flat out ignoring him.

The waiter arrives with a smile which you return, somewhat forced, and if he’s noticed the more than slight tension at the table, he doesn’t let on at all. After he cheerfully takes your order, you then just have to sit and watch Hopper take his sweet time, one leg now balancing on the thick thigh of his other, menu in one large hand, talking to the waiter like he knows him, asking about what’s best and blah, blah, blah.

Crossing your arms, you stare at him, hoping the force of your gaze will somehow will him to hurry up. He glances at you once to just ask, “You want another bread basket?”

“Yes,” you grit out.

What kind of a question is that? Of course you do.

Snapping the menu shut, somehow the smooth motion of it just fuelling your irritation, he smiles at the waiter as he hands it back, and then the waiter leaves... and it’s just you two again.

You watch Hopper’s gaze travel the room, taking in all the laughing, chatting people, most if not all couples. He folds his own arms, the material of the suit stretching over his biceps, and you swiftly look away as his gaze reaches you.

“Guess Jodie’s a shit matchmaker, huh.”

Oh, God... You can’t just ignore him. Well, you can, but you imagine he’d just carry on talking anyway.

Taking a breath, which could be interpreted as exasperated, you nod. “Yeah. Didn’t even know you knew her.”

He shrugs. “We went to high school together.”

“Wow, she’s had to put up with you that long─”

“What is your problem with me?”

Your mouth remains open, your next word dying on your tongue as you stare at him. It stays open as you point at yourself, eyebrows shooting up, watching him just look at you, expressionless.

“Uh... What? You’re the one who has a problem with me.”

Now he frowns. “Excuse me?”

What.

Are you kidding me.

“Oh, don’t look so affronted, you always seem so irritated when I’m around and that you hope you don’t get stuck talking to me.”

He scoffs, but doesn’t say anything for a few moments, just makes half-laughing, half-astonished sounds. “... Me? I seem like that? You look at me like I’m the shit on your shoe!”

“If that’s true it’s only because of how you look at me.”

“And how do I look at you?” He says the words accusingly, challenging you, and it throws you for a moment because do his thoughts not influence his expressions?

It’s your turn to scoff as your eyebrows rise. “You... You look at me like...”

Nothing comes out of your mouth, every single encounter with him flashing through your mind, the filter of pre-conceived irritation and notions falling away.

Oh, no...

The times he’s looked away quickly after you’ve met his gaze... Not out of not wanting to engage but... not wanting to be caught looking. His curtness the few times you have spoken, not out of rudeness or wanting to get away, but because of awkwardness in your presence. The fact he’s sat down and has stayed.

Even the way he’d said ‘You think?’ minutes before... not said sarcastically, but stated. Asking you.

And he... he looks at you with tender eyes.

Oh my God...

Hopper shifts in his chair as he clears his throat, your thoughts and realisations most likely playing out across your features.

“... Uh...” Your mouth is still open, too, not knowing what to say.

I’ve been such an idiot.

He’s pushing his fork around on the table-cloth with his finger, waiting for whatever you’re going to say, probably expecting to be shot down or for you to laugh. Instead, you give him the truth.

“... I don’t have a problem with you, really... I just thought you had one with me.” Your voice comes out a lot quieter than you’d intended, but very much sheepish.

His head shakes as his jaw moves slightly, but there’s a light smile on his lips, and his gaze finally lifts to meet yours again; boldly and openly.

The tenderness is there.

“No. I don’t have a problem with you.”

“Okay.” The single word leaves you quietly, and something deep inside you relaxes.

“Do you want me to go?” he says, just as quiet as you had, and it’s like you’re the only two people in the room.

Licking your lips, you shake your head. “No. No, I’d... I’d like you stay. I think we should start this all over again.”

Hopper nods a few times, his smile lingering.

“Yeah, I think so, too.”

You find you’re smiling as well, your fingers lacing together in your lap.

“All right... What do you wanna talk about?”

—

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[mediocre--writing]

(continuation of that steve getting hurt thing you wrote?) theres so so so so much muscle and tendon damage, Steve cant feel his arm for a while, his hand is difficult to move and it gets frustrating and depressing when he cant do or move certain things, and the scars are thick and stand out, not to mention the severe blood loss that left him weak for days. but billy helps him with some physical therapy every night, helps him stretch his arm and regain muscle,, maybe they finally talk about dating just cause Billy doesnt want Steve to die before he gets to call him his boyfriend

(the aforementioned blurb)

ooooh i love this

so the demodog, when it got steve, it had taken a huge chunk of his shoulder off. including the muscle and tendons there.

steve can’t lift his arm for a week. cant manage to move a finger because his nerves hurt all the way to the tip of his pinkie and he can’t turn his neck too far or too quickly because it pulls at the healing scars and tender muscle

he stays at the hospital for three days, two nights.

every waking moment, billy has sat in that uncomfortable plastic chair. the only time he moved was when they took steve for x-rays and a check up and hopper forced him to go home and shower

toughest hour of his life. billy swears he could hear steve’s uneasy breathing and see the blood clumped in his hair, even still.

steve was fine, really. he was alive and, despite his injuries, he didn’t feel too awful.

this would just be more nightmare fuel (not that he needed it) and he would get back into the swing of things with relative ease

except steve was lying to himself profusely. with the blood loss, he got light headed much faster and swore he could still feel the hundreds of little teeth in his skin

billy made it better. he was staying at steve’s house, since the doctors wanted someone to help him with overextension of the torn muscles and to make sure he didn’t have any other side effects.

billy was relishing in taking care of steve

steve couldn’t lift his right hand above his ribs, so billy helped him with anything he needed, because steve was clumsy enough and didn’t need to be working with his nondominant hand.

he helped wash steve’s hair, he helped steve cut his dinner, he helped steve get dressed and do all the things he usually did.

and billy was mush. he hated that steve still couldn’t stand straight because it pulled at the wound, but loved that he could kiss him on the forehead without going on his tiptoes.

steve kinda liked it too

steve had gotten himself out of physical therapy with a professional, because fuck that shit, and did his own exercises at home, with the help of billy

billy would softly rub his fingers over the scarred skin that was still tight and pink and push out any tension that was there

the therapy wasn’t so bad. billy did the exercises with steve so he wouldn’t feel dumb, not that he asked billy too, they just did them together.

and steve, ever so in love with his reflection, couldn’t bare to look at himself anymore.

the scar was centered around the conjunction where his neck met his shoulder, but had scraggly lines poking all around it, long and skinny and perfectly hideous.

his right shoulder was now also a little lower than his left, due to half the muscle being ripped out.

billy helped with that too. he had his fare share of scars from neil and the like (and if you imagine this after starcourt, then he has that huge star in the center of his chest too)

but he reminded steve how beautiful the scars were, and when that didn’t work, and steve called himself ugly again, billy pulled out the big guns:

“do you think i’m hideous? that i’m so insanely ugly that people don’t want to look at me? is that how you really think?”

and it’s not that billy believed steve saw him that way, but it’s what he could think of to get through his thick skull.

he had the same issues, the scar on his cheek from when neil launched a flower vase at him tore down his pride for a while. but you move on, eventually.

and that turned around steve’s thoughts. he’d told billy numerous times that he thought his scars were cool and felt nice under his fingertips. that they showed that he survived through it all.

and now, steve speculated, he was a survivor too, and he had something to show for it.

it took three weeks for steve to have a majorly bad nightmare.

the dog had descended on him and he couldn’t get up, billy wasn’t there with the bat, the walkie wasn’t working, and he was concious the whole time the dog devoured his body

he woke up to billy shouting his name and shaking his shoulder, and steve couldn’t breathe.

but billy hauled steve’s torso into his strong chest and sat there, exaggerating his breathing pattern so steve would follow along as he calmed down.

billy was humming a song after steve had regulated his breathing and was dozing back off again, tired from the pain meds he was prescribed

billy thought steve was asleep as he pressed his lips to his hairline and murmured a soft “i love you”

but steve, still drowsy but awake, whispered back, “i love you too”

billy thought he could faint.

it didn’t take long until they had the conversation and were dating, and the party was insanely sick and tired of their lovey-dovey-ness by the next week.

[writingjoycebyers]

Twice in her life — or: the last days he saw her smile

(Joyce Byers x Jim Hopper - observations of a friendship — a one shot)

warnings: a bit angsty, mentions sex (not explicit)

Reblogs, comments and feedback make me really happy. Let me know if you like it or what else you'd like to read. No one asked for this. My brain just came up with it. ✨❤️👀 There's a little bonus at the end and I gotta say it's a little off canon maybe. Have fun✨❤️

Enjoy the read...

Joyce Byers had been left twice in her life.

One might think it's a story about Lonnie. But no, it's most definetely not. Lonnie doesn't count. Lonnie is a side character. She left Lonnie, kicked him out all by herself after all those years that would have been wasted if they hadn't been for her boys. Her boys were her gift, and the only thing she'd ever thank Lonnie for, to some degree. He helped create them, but she had been the one to form them. She was the one she should thank for, really.

No, Joyce Byers had been left twice in her life, and it had been much more subtle events than her large fights with Lonnie, making her the main topic of the gossip all those midaged ladies were spreading at the grocery store, the doctor's office, the elementary school. You heard it? someone called the police to Joyce Byers house.

Joyce Byers had been left twice in her life, and nobody had really noticed, but her.

The first time, she had just turned nineteen. It was a rather warm day in September, and life in Hawkins couldn't be easier. High-school was done, the heat of the summer was still lingering in the air, and her dark hair was still damp from swimming in the lake as she rode around Hawkins with her best friend, Jim Hopper. Or... Was he her best friend still? She sometimes couldn't tell, couldn't put a label on it, when he was kissing her senseless in the back of his dad's old truck, parked in the dark at Lover's Lake, parked in the shade of a large oak tree — so that although it was the middle of the night, and no one would come there anyways, they'd have a bit of privacy, a roof of leaves covering their clumsy attempt on passing first base. Friends didn't do that, right?

They rode along the streets of Hawkins, and Joyce had her legs propped up on the dashboard of his car, puffing away on one of Hop‘s cigarettes. They tasted awful, but she did not mind as long as it were his. She felt connected to him through that cig. Tonight was the night. Tonight, she‘d tell him - tell him that she wanted to be more than friends, more than friends who make out occasionally. She wanted to finally look into his eyes and work up the courage to say Jim, I like you a little more than expected.

She looked at him from the side, his hands holding the steering wheel, his gaze fixed on the road as day turned into night with a wonderfully orange sky. Tonight was the night she‘d say it. Jim, you make my fucking heart race.

Jim looked beautiful to her, peaceful and innocent, like he didn‘t know that outside Hawkins there was a whole world — both good and bad — that was waiting for them and looming like a dark shadow at the same time. For him, this dark shadow could mean draft cards, his ticket off to fight a war he himself hadn‘t started, a conflict neither him nor Joyce would ever support or understand. She knew it could be his duty to leave one day, but she could still breathe every day his number didn‘t come up. As long as Hopper didn‘t have to take the trip, she wouldn‘t have to take hers either: Her trip down the road of loneliness, facing the fact that she couldn‘t afford college, being left behind with the mess she had to call her parents. She knew he wasn‘t all that innocent though, stealing booze from his dad‘s wine cellar, sharing the bottle with her shamelessly on a friday night. She knew he wasn‘t all that innocent when he pressed his body into hers, parked under that old oak tree, and she could feel his need and want press against her while he silently accepted her wish to explore second base, but not enter the third one just yet. He kissed her, and told her that it didn‘t matter how far he had gone with other girls - that all that mattered was her needs. That specific night under the oak tree though, Joyce had realised that the tingling feeling in her belly was growing more and more, and that she wouldn‘t be able to hold back for much longer. I‘ve never done it, Jim. Her whispers had been low and husky, and he had caressed her cheek as she had thought of the moment she had once caught him and Chrissy Carpenter in the back of the blonde cheerleader's car. I know, Joycie, don‘t worry about that, one day we‘ll take it slow, just give me a sign. Tonight would be the night she‘d give him said sign, she thought, as he took a turn into the road she lived on.

He pulled up into her driveway, slowing down to park in front of her house. Tonight was the night.Tonight he‘d tell her - tell her that she meant the world to him, but that he‘d have to go, and that he‘d understand if she didn‘t wait. Tell her that he‘d try to write, no matter what. Joyce, I should have told you sooner. He had kept it to himself for weeks, had just not found the words to break the news to her. The letter had been in his mailbox one rainy Monday afternoon, telling him to fight a war he neither could nor wanted to understand. A war that would send him to hell and leave Joyce in the small little bubble of a heaven that was Hawkins, Indiana. He was a coward, he couldn‘t tell her, not when they were riding in his car, or munching on a burger at the diner, not whilst smoking on her windowsill and especially not whilst kissing her in the dark, parked in the shadow of the old oak tree. He just couldn‘t, but tonight was the night. Joycie, I gotta go to Vietnam. My train leaves tomorrow.

Jim pulled the keys, and she looked at him. It was a ritual already: They’d spend their day at the lake, he‘d drive her home long after dark and as her parents were barely ever home anyways, he‘d follow her up to her room under the roof and they‘d sit by the window, smoking and kissing and exchanging little secrets. Jim loved Joyce, and Joyce loved Jim. They both knew it, they just never said a word.

The two friends, him, tall and blonde and her, small and brunette, took their usual spot by her large window. He was just about to light the last smoke from his pack, when Joyce reached for the cigarette, her hand grazing his as she took it, putting it aside. She kissed Jim with such force than that he nearly lost track of time and place. Was this still Hawkins, Indiana?

They kissed, and kissed ... and kissed some more, before she finally pulled away, taking his large hand into her small one. Their fingers were intertwined, her thumb drawing small circles to the side of his hand. Dark doe eyes met blue ones, and she breathed in once more before saying it: “Jim, I think... you‘re my best friend. But I also think... I‘m in love with you.“

Her words came out all in one breath, more a sighed whisper than a real sentence, but she had said them. Her pulse was pounding as she waited for him to respond. She had practiced the worst case already: That‘s okay, Jim, you do not have to love me back. I just hope we can stay friends?

But then his hand found her cheek and he pulled her closer, whispering an I love you, Joycie, right onto her lips as he found hers, grazing them softly. It felt like a gentle hello to Joyce, like this was the start of something new, although she had kissed him a hundred times before. She couldn‘t know it was a goodbye. Quickly, their kisses became more passionate, hungry and loving. Does he love me, she wants to know, how can she know if he loves her so?

That night, Jim Hopper made love to Joyce Horowitz — sweet, gentle and slow love. He touched her in a way he had never touched anyone before, softer, more tender - out of love and out guilt, his conscience forcing him to treat her even better, to worship her body to balance out the fact that he couldn‘t be true to her. His feelings for her were so strong that they held him back from breaking her heart - although it would in the end have to be broken, if he wanted that or not.

They shared that last cigarette afterwards, the one that had been waiting on the window sill. They‘d not share another one until almost twenty years later.

That night, Joyce Horowitz made love to Jim Hopper — sweet, gentle and slow love. She touched him in a way she had never touched anyone before, soft, tender and a bit shy as she explored his body and her own, further discovering the hot, tingling feeling in her lower belly as their clothes sprawled out on the floor and their bodies intertwined under her comforter. It‘s in his kiss.

Joyce fell asleep in Jim‘s arms, breathing softly as she felt safe and secure of the fact that he loved her too, that they were more than friends and that this was just the start.

Jim watched Joyce fall asleep in his arms, pulling her as close as he could once more. He wanted to remember this moment forever, capture every little detail for the nights to come in which he‘d sleep somewhere in the jungle of the war, with so many miles separating him from the girl he loved. He studied her face in the dim light of her room before falling asleep for a few hours himself.

When Joyce woke up the next morning, she already began to smile with her eyes still closed. It was a rainy Monday morning, she could hear the raindrops fall against her window in a steady rythm - It was soothing and she was ready to cuddle up again. She turned around, reaching for Jim, only to find the bed empty. She sat up, confused and still half asleep, stumbling across a note.

- Joy, I should have told you sooner. I won‘t forget our summer. My train leaves today, I‘m gone into training for Nam. Please don‘t come looking for me at the station. I’ll be gone already. I‘ll write. Jim. -

Joyce Horowitz had been left for the first time in her life, broken and flustered, unable to move or cry for hours and hours. She sat in bed, the note in her hands, and she cursed Jim, the world, the war and love - and even herself for falling for him. She didn‘t believe there was a feeling on earth that could be more horrible. Joyce Horowitz had been left for the first time in her life, and she had no clue there would be a second one.

......... 20 years later.........

Joyce looked at Jim one more time as he stood next to the machine, tears in their eyes, both his and hers.

I love you.

I love you.

Leaning to the side, she reached for the keys once more. She stopped breathing as she turned them, held her breath as lights blended her vision, time stopping around her and then... he was gone.

Joyce Byers had been left twice in her life.

_____________________________________

Thanks for reading everyone. I appreciate every kind of constructive feedback. Feel free to send asks or messages if you wanna talk about this little piece here, or if you have any other Joyce asks or prompts!

Bonus: a little mood board I made

Sources: there's a reference to the shoop shoop song. Pics are all from pinterest if anyone Needs the sources. I don't own anything related to ST or Winona Ryder. Credit goes to the respective owners and creates, I just wrote this little fic for fun.

[harringtonheartache]

Daybreak | Part Twenty-One

Pairing: Steve Harrington x Lab Escapee! Reader?

Summary: Part twenty-one of this fic. Rescue team re-assemble... with more members? 

Word Count: 2,800 +

Warning(s): Self-inflicted injury, mention of guns, blood, cussing

A/N: I am very excited for the next (last?) few chapters! Hehe, I hope you guys are enjoying the series! Lemme know how you feel about where things are going (-;

The pad of Hopper’s thumb traced over the old wallpaper of Joyce’s home. He looked at the long scratch carefully, like he was in a museum and it was an art piece displayed in a fancy frame. And then he huffed, like he was irritated, and turned around to face Joyce again. He didn’t have any words, though, and they both looked at one another blankly. 

Steve had returned himself to the couch, sullen and uninterested in Hopper’s investigation. He turned his left hand over and held in in his right, his own thumb feeling over the line across his palm; the scar, the one he gave and healed himself. The stitches — how many did it take? Six? Eight? And when he bandaged it in white, how many times around his hand did he wrap the cloth? How long did it take to bleed through?

“We have to summon it,” he said. 

Hopper and Joyce turned from one another to face Steve, and he picked himself up from his seat in a hurry. He didn’t look at them as he rushed, a few steps around boxes and debris, straight to the door. Neither Joyce nor Hopper had found any words before he was through it and on route to his car. 

Hopper sighed — that irritance again — and took a few strides to plant his hand on the door knob. He swung it open, the force rustling miscellaneous papers scattered across the room, and called out at the retreating teenager. 

“Where are you going?”

Steve tugged on his car door and leaned in over the driver’s seat. His hand felt around on the floor of the passengers side, and he grabbed for the bag of forgotten first-aid. He picked himself up swiftly, plastic bag swinging at his side, and turned to march right back up to the porch. 

Hopper was still stood in the entryway when he climbed the steps, and without even looking at him Steve swerved around his figure back into the home. Hopper followed the kid’s movements with his eyes, studying him like he had the wall. Joyce stood like a centerpiece in her own home, her presence losing saturation by the minute. A simple box of bandages was dumped onto her table, a second one sliding out and knocking into the first. Steve dropped the bag and progressed towards the kitchen, his plan still unspoken. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Hopper spoke after him with a second effort. He shut the front door again, a distracted push of his hand sending it to a close. “Hey!” he called out to the disappearing figure. 

Steve came as he left, quickly, only this time he held in his grip a knife. This did not silence Hopper. 

“Woah, woah woah! What the hell? What are you doing? Give-”

“Just calm down, okay? I’m not-”

“Give me the knife, Harrington”.

He dangled the blade in his hand as he gestured, hands tossed in the hair nonchalantly. “Just listen to me!” he said in defense. 

“Just put the goddamn knife down,” Hopper told him troublingly. 

Wide eyes on the verge of being rolled, Steve slapped the knife to the table. “There! Will you just hear me out?” The silver spun against the hardwood as silence stilled the rest of the room. One hand drifted to Hopper’s hip — fed up, tired — and the other wavered in the air — yielding, tired. 

“What?” he asked his question in one word. 

“We have to summon it,” Steve said matter-of-factly, like Hopper should have picked up on what was happening. Keep up!

“Summon it. With a knife.” The return was dull.

“No, with blood”.

Hopper’s face jumped, exasperated but in a way that was partially a performance. “Oh!” he bursted, his free hand thrown in the air to hit his thigh with a smack when it came back down. “With blood”. 

“It showed up because Nine’s arm — it was bleeding. She told me. She knew it came because of the blood. If I just cut myself, minimally, the blood will lure the thing back here and I can-”

“You’re not going to cut yourself-” Joyce started.

“We aren’t summoning a nine-foot-tall creature that almost killed you a few hours ago!” Hopper voiced sourly. 

Steve’s hair flopped in front of his eyes and he sighed. It stayed there for a moment, himself gearing up to continue the argument, and then he tossed it back into place as he brought his head up again to look at his opposed. 

“Look, wherever that thing took her, she said Will is there, too. She thinks she can find him,” he said, eyes drifting between the two adults but settling on Joyce at the mention of her son. Her mouth twitched as she watched him, and he continued his speech; something between an explanation and a plea. 

“And I have to believe that she’s okay, that she will. But she’s hurt, probably pretty badly, probably exhausted.”

Hopper shifted on his feet, his cold stare dwindling for a moment, internally fighting with the idea of giving into this askew reality. The things he had been told of — the superpowers and the alternate dimensions (she called it the ‘upside-down’, right?). He had yet to see any of these things for himself, and instead stood protected by the shadow of ignorance. If he let this happen, when would he face everything he had been told of? 

When blood started leaking from the cut Steve had proposed, slow to drip in thick red splotches against the floor? Would the wall shake and rumble like Joyce had described, and if so, is that when he’d face it? Would it take until the creature emerged from the wall for him to truly realize, and, could he ever go back to the shadow? 

“We have to help her. That thing created a portal when it showed up, and that’s the only way we know how to find it. We can get them both back. It can be over,” Steve said. 

Over. What did that mean, exactly? The word came from his own mouth, but Steve was still unsure of its promise. For Joyce, the idea was easy. It would mean having her son back home, ending the search. And for Hopper he’d return to work, Steve would guess, unburdened by this nagging supernatural side-story in his life. And for Steve… ? What would it mean for Steve? Going back to school, regularly, perhaps? He couldn’t imagine things being over for himself without needing to conceptualize a life for Nine, too. A new life. She wouldn’t go back to the lab, that wasn’t an acceptable normal anymore. So she’d take up residence… where, exactly? He let himself envision her at his own home for only a second, nipped in the side soon after by the teeth of realism. Hiding wouldn’t do long term, and his parent’s wouldn’t take her in like a stray dog to sleep at the bottom of their son’s bed. He’d also have to consider the people of Hawkins’ Lab. They didn’t just go away, excuse themselves as a problem simply because Will would be found. 

Where would she go?

Where was she now?

“Okay,” Joyce said pensively. Her brows trembled a little as she looked at Steve, an earnest smile sent his way as he looked back at her. 

Hopper dropped his chest, closed his eyes. Two against one, now. He raised a hand to scratch at the back of his head, and opened his eyes to the stare of Steve: wide-eyed, expectant. 

“Okay,” Hopper said, his voice still a little rough as not to show too much compliance. 

Steve’s head rose from his shoulders, a bit dazed by the agreement. 

“Not… not right now, though,” Hop said. Steve’s expression dropped again, and even Joyce turned to face the sheriff with a look of displeasure. “I need time, I’m expected at the station. And I need to prepare, too. If we’re fighting some giant monster and possibly entering another dimension, I need to get some things together.” Steve wanted to roll his eyes (they have to move, now!) but he stopped himself. Better not to be that bold when Hopper agreed in the first place, be grateful for the win. 

“Well- well when? Hop, I need to find him. I need him back.”

Joyce’s words, so tender and so broken. The monster in the wall, the mental image she had saved and sealed tight in her mind, began to shrink; a threat no longer so potent. With the voice of a small child, she begged for the chance to save her own. 

“I-” Hopper started, and he looked down at her, rethought his plan. More wide eyes trained on him. “Tonight. I’ll come back tonight and we’ll do this. I promise”. 

-

Jonathan Byers, or as some may call him: the one still standing. Lanky, awkward, but not without allure. Perhaps someone his younger brother would emulate with personal charm when he grew up. To each their own appeal, but both without a doubt amiable and compelling characters. 

Maybe it has thrown off Jonathan’s stride, though. Being something of an outcast is cause for hardship, even if it shapes a person nicely. And it did, but he stumbled up the steps of his front porch like he was made of sticks.

What he saw when he made it through the door threw him off further: Steve Harrington and his own mother, an intense conversation happening between the two. Sure, Steve himself wasn’t so bizarre. He drove around the kids, Jonathan’s little brother being one of them. He was a friend to them, a more evolved version of a babysitter, and his presence wasn’t too jarring as a casual act. But Will wasn’t around. He definitely knew that. And Steve had already given his help to the investigation, deeming his occupancy unsettling. 

“Mom?” Jonathan asked, still a shadow in the doorway. 

Joyce turned, Steve’s eyes following the same path. 

“Oh! Uhm- Jonathan,” Joyce said, that same awkward energy the person she spoke to often adopted himself. 

Joyce wasn’t thrilled with the idea of Steve participating in the evening’s plans. He was a teenager, though physically bigger than her, a kid nonetheless. She’d rather take the task on herself (okay, she’d allow Hopper, he’d be of great help), but his company was cemented. She wouldn’t be able to shake him, and she knew that, and maybe it would be okay. Her own son was different. She wanted to protect him too, of course, and maybe he was shakable. She realized now that she might have to lie to succeed. 

“Steve wanted to see if he could help out in any way.”

“The house is a mess.” 

This was an uncomplicated response, but also a touch unsettling. Joyce stalled. 

“I know. Things just piled up so quickly,” she said to him.

“What’s going on, mom?” he asked coldly. 

Her ability to lie faltered, she shifted on her feet. “I’m- I’m just trying to find your brother,” she said, voice partially cracked. Steve stood next to her unmoved. He longed to excuse himself, but didn’t see it a viable option. 

“If Steve can help,” Jonathan started, a hand hidden in jacket sleeve motioning to Steve, “then so can I. What’s going on?” 

Steve looked back to Joyce, eyes ping-ponging between the two as they carried out their tense conversation. He really wished he had left with Hopper, at this point. 

“It’s just some routine work with Hopper, nothing you’d need to be here for. You should get out of the house for a while. There are some- some more posters. You could hang those up. That would be a big help,” she said, turning to the table to reach for posters that weren’t actually beside her. Her hands fell back to her sides as she faced Jonathan again, acting as if she hadn’t just looked for something that wasn’t there. 

“Mom,” he said, and he looked at her the way he had been doing a lot recently. “Don’t just push me out of the house. I want to help. Let me.” 

“It’s just-” Joyce stalled again, progressing forward a few steps to land herself closer to Jonathan. She reached a hand up to touch his face, but pulled it back before making contact. Her hand shook and she looked at him with a quivering mouth. “It’s dangerous, honey. I can’t put you in danger.” 

Jonathan had to stop himself from taking a step back, started by his mother’s demeanor. “Wh- what do you mean? It’s okay, I can protect myself, just let me help,” he said, voice beginning to sound frantic, words stacking up against one another. 

“I just. I can’t have you here. Not with Will gone. I need you as my constant, okay?” 

He swallowed once, then a second time when he felt his eyes water. 

A new sound filled the silence as a truck pulled in the driveway, headlights flashing through the window as the sun had recently started it’s descent. All three Byer’s house occupants turned, and Chief Hopper became a figure in the window. He slammed his driver’s door, shuffled around back to take something from the truck bed, then started his stride up the porch. He entered, blatantly (they were well past knocking, right?), but then froze at the sight of the newly arrived. 

“Oh. Shit,” he said. The gun he held was readjusted in his grip. 

“What the hell? What are you guys doing? What’s with the gun. Mom, you don’t even like guns.” Jonathan turned between the two adults. 

“It’s just a precaution, kid. That thing isn’t going to hurt your mom, I promise,” Hopper said, taking Joyce’s place in the conversation. 

“Thing? What thing?”

“Oh…” Hopper trailed off. “Not even the… ? Okay, sorry. I’ll just…” He let himself all the way inside now and closed the door, excusing himself to the sidelines. 

“I’m not leaving.”

“Jon-”

“No! Not with whatever’s going on! I need to be here!” 

-

Whatever’s going on was a fitting description for someone of Jonathan’s isolated position, and someone had to fill him in. 

It took a while. Longer than Steve would have liked, for sure. Hopper wasn’t certain who was in a further state of denial: him or Jonathan. And Jonathan wasn’t leaving, that was decided; or more or less declared. It wasn’t favorable for Joyce, and her knee rattled against her hands as she bounced on the couch. 

“So, blood will draw this thing here?” Jonathan asked from beside her. He was talking to Steve now, and the teenager, older by just one year, confirmed the statement. He picked up the knife he had set down hours ago and held it in his hand, watching the blade reflect colors of red, blue, yellow, and green from the Christmas lights hanging above. 

“Wait, no, no,” Joyce said, standing from the couch in an attempt to gain control over just one thing happening in her home. “You shouldn’t do it, one of us should,” she said, motioning between Hopper and herself. Hopper winced at the proposal, uneasy with the idea of being nominated. 

“Joyce, it’s okay. Really, I need to,” Steve said to her dulcetly. “I'll bandage my hand right up, no worries. I owe it.”

“You don’t owe us anything,” she said. 

“I know. I owe it to Nine,” he spoke softly, a smile somewhere between kind and somber stretching his lips. 

He twisted the blade in his hold, Joyce moving to prepare the bandages he had promised he’d use. He contemplated his hand, where to add a new scar. Opening his fingers, he eyed the line already present across his palm: the old scar, self-inflicted as well, from that first time he’d sewn stitches. He thought about tracing over it, refreshing his memory with the same pain, but closed his fist and opened his other hand. A clean slate. 

He drew a new line across his alternate palm, slowly as not to cut too deep, and breathed out a huff of distress as he created a new cut. The blade came back red (it had fulfilled its purpose), and he practically dropped the knife back down on the table. He gripped his wrist, holding his newly-bleeding hand steady, and turned his grip around for the blood to run down his palm in a thick line of cherry-red. A single drop led the way, and a tiny puddle of his own blood formed at Steve’s shoes. 

Joyce moved promptly, taking Steve’s hand and wrapping it in cloth as soon as the damage was done. He held his breath, a squint on his face as he tried to disregard the pain. 

It happened almost as rapidly as it did the first time, and Hopper and Jonathan looked around, panicked, at the flashing lights. The shaking followed as expected, rattling the house like a bad storm. Jonathan, standing now, turned towards the more experienced. 

“What the hell…” he started, his question falling limp. 

“Back to it,” Steve spoke, a tad blasé.

---

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[theonewiththefanfics]

Hawkins’ Charm (Part 2/?)

Synopsys: They had gotten out of Hawkins. After all the shit that had happened, all the heartache and pain, Billy and the Reader had gotten away from that hellhole, building their life in California as he had dreamed. But when Max’s graduation rolls around and they go to celebrate, it’s as if the Upside Down was just waiting for all of them to return. And it has a bone to pick.

Pairing: Billy Hargrove x f!Reader; platonic!Steve Harrington x f!Reader

Genre: angst, fluff

Warnings: mentions of abuse, swearing, I don��t think there’s anything else, but if you see something you think I’d need to add, send a message :)

Word count: 4692

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT CONDONE BILLY’S ACTIONS AND THE THINGS HE’S DONE! THIS IS BASICALLY AN AU, WHEN REALLY LOOKING AT IT! SPOILERS FOR S3! READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION!

The tension could be tasted in the car as Billy sped down the highway towards Hawkins. He already missed his little munchkin even though they’d been on the road for less than three hours. Clara had him wrapped around her finger to the point of no return. And they had at least twenty-eight more hours to drive.        Billy looked to the side at Y/N. Her window was open, wind rushing through the Y/H/C locks he loved to weave his fingers through, eyes blocked by a pair of sunglasses. He traced her jawline with his gaze before reluctantly putting it back to the road.        “Don’t drive us off a cliff,” he heard his wife snicker and had to smile to himself.        “Can’t help it,” Billy entwined their hands, and Y/N squeezed his palm in comfort. “Hard to not look at such a pretty view.”        “You tell that to all the girls?”        “Just this one,” he pressed a quick kiss to her knuckles before gripping the wheel a bit tighter with his left hand. “She’s kinda special. Puts up with my bullshit and stuff. Gave me the chance to start a new life and the best gift ever in the form of a daughter.”        “Fuck, King of Hawkins is the biggest sap to walk planet Earth,” Y/N chuckled but her heart responded with an intense fluttering. “It’s gonna be alright, Demolition Man,” Y/N whispered. “I won’t let anything happen to you or me or us. You’re kinda stuck with me till the very end.”        Billy shrugged as if that statement was nothing to him, but his heart pumped faster in his chest. “Doesn’t sound too bad if I’m being honest.”        “Yeah, it better not,” Y/N grumbled, but he could hear the love laced in every single word.        She wasn’t really excited to be going back to Hawkins. Sure, Alex’s graduation, seeing her mom and the rest of the Party, grown-ups and teens alike, was something she had missed dearly while in California, but that town was filled with far too many memories that weren’t positive.        Everything starting from Will’s disappearance, then Barb’s death and the subsequent fight with the Demogorgon, had been bad enough. And when she returned for her final year, Y/N had hoped she could just bury everything in the depths of her mind, but obviously, things never went the way they were supposed to.        Y/N found the love of her life, but almost lost him a few months later to the Mind Flayer, and with Hopper having given his life to let Joyce close the Gate once and for all, there was just too much sorrow for a place with just 30 000 inhabitants.  

       “You okay there?” Billy’s voice was low and smooth as he looked at Y/N who had fallen deep in her thoughts.        She gave him a tightlipped smile. “Yeah. Just… I just want us to be happy while we’re there, you know. Not think about the shit that happened, and all of that horrible stuff. Just be happy that Max and Alex pulled through high school and are graduating. No Upside Down fuckery...”        He had been thinking about that a lot as well. The week leading up to them driving down to Hawkins was filled with nightmares about the Mind Flayer, and how he’d hurt the people that meant most to him. He would pull Y/N closer to him after waking up, her scent filling his nostrils, and when he deemed himself calm enough, Billy would creep out of the bed and to Clara’s room.        He’d stay for a few minutes, quietly double checking each and every window latch, the dark corners of the room, and then he’d leave her door ajar, just so he could hear if things went bump in the night.        “This week’s for us,” he mumbled kissing her hand again. “Us, Max and those losers there.”        “Yeah, well, I would’ve rather spent it in Bahamas or something,” came her reply.        “Well, maybe next year we can go there. Clara would love that.”        Y/N’s head lolled to the side, finally looking over at Billy. “She loves every moment that you’re around. And if a vacation is involved, where she can steal all your attention… she’s a daddy’s girl through and through.”        The smug smile on Billy’s face was something Y/N used to hate as he would walk down the school's halls. He had been getting better, but his reputation was something he loved to keep up, a new girl under his arm each day.        But slowly as they got to know one another, as he opened up about his issues and dreams, it had become one of the things Y/N adored the most. Especially when his lips pulled up at the mention of how much his daughter loved him, and that his wife seemed to be completely head over heels for him even after almost five years together.        “As is her mom.”        Of course, that was his answer.        Y/N gently shoved his face away from where he’d been looking at her. “Eyes on the road, dumbass. We still have to get to Hawkins in one piece.”        “Whatever you say, Mrs dumbass.”        With ‘dork’ uttered under her breath, she put her free hand outside the window and let the rushing winds weave through her fingers. Whatever awaited them at that godforsaken place they’d face together. They always had and always would.

***

       After a sixteen hour drive, Y/N switching with Billy at the eight hour mark, they settled down in a motel at the side of the road, and as much as the two wanted to fully go at it, to arrive in Hawkins with marks across their necks that signified who they belonged to, the second they exited the shower, both plopped down on the uncomfortable bed and were asleep.        Y/N woke up groaning as the sunlight streamed into the motel room, the flimsy faded green curtains doing absolutely nothing to keep the rays out.        “Fuck this shit,” she mumbled, her cheek pressed tightly against Billy’s chest. Slowly she peeled herself off, feeling the tender skin of her face and noting the red splotch where she’d been practically glued to his peck.        Stretching, Y/N’s joints popped, and she released a satisfied grunt at the feeling.        “Every day I wake up and ask myself if I’ve died and gone to heaven,” Billy’s raspy morning voice made her turn around and glance at him        “I have drool down my chin, my hair’s a mess and my eyes are so puffy I look like I’ve cried for three days straight,” she raised her eyebrow. “Is that really what you imagine heaven to be like?”        “Mine?” his rough palm slid under the shirt Billy had given her and up her spine. “Absolutely. Isn’t this yours?”        Y/N shook her head. “If this was heaven, I would so not be up at five in the morning.”        “Fuck, it’s only five?” that brought Billy out of the trance as he peeped at the cheap electric clock whose jade numbers blinked, confirming it was indeed 5:03 in the morning.        “Nah, screw that,” he grumbled. “Get back in bed.”        "I gotta get ready."        "Back. In. Bed. Now."        She was not about to further argue with the sound demand of her husband.        It was a rarity they got to sleep in. Clara was an angel when being put to bed, falling asleep almost instantly, but she also woke up way too early. Like six AM on a Saturday early.        They slept for another three hours before putting themselves back together and commencing on another sixteen-hour drive before arriving in Hawkins. The sun had dipped down already when they rolled up to Y/N’s mom’s house where they would be staying.            In the beginning, Y/M/N had been wary of Billy and didn’t open her arms as much as she opened her house to the boy. But slowly, as her daughter’s relationship with him progressed, and she saw just how happy Y/N'd become, how there seemed to be not even an echo of the same dry-heaving girl with hands in her hair on her floor in the middle of the night, Y/N’s mom accepted Billy as a part of their family.        “If you ever need a place to stay, you know you’re always welcome,” she’d muttered one morning after Billy had stayed with them one night after a particularly nasty fight with Neil. “This is now your home, as much as it’s mine.”        Billy had just nodded because he didn’t trust his voice to stay steady.        Y/N was practically bouncing on her feet as she knocked against the door, and Alex sprung it open.        “What’s up shitbag?” she yelled in his ear before engulfing her brother in a hug. He rolled his eyes, but still, she could feel his arms tighten around her waist. Just as he was about to groan something about her being way too affectionate, their mother's steps could be heard rushing down to greet them.        “Where’s my granddaughter?” Y/M/N pepped over Y/N's shoulders after helping them bring their suitcases inside looking at the Camaro as if they’d left Clara in there.        “She’s in San Diego,” Y/N replied, hating how she could see her mom’s face fall. “We just thought it’d be best considering… everything.” She had never explicitly told what Billy’s father and family life was like, but by the numerous bruises and the soft crying Y/M/N had heard during some nights, she had an inclination.        “Well then,” if only for show, she lifted her spirits and clapped her hands together, “I guess that means after this whole thing is over, we’re going on a road trip.”        Y/N really did regret leaving Clara now. Her mom didn’t get many chances to go all the way to San Diego with her job as a nurse, but when she looked to the side and saw Billy’s eyes full of guilt and regret, she reminded herself why they had left her in the safety of California.        “Come,” Y/M/N motioned towards the kitchen. “I bet you’re ravenous.”        And they’d been. A violent grumble from her stomach had erupted through the hallway, Billy’s guiding hand on her lower back pushing them towards where the smell of lasagna wafted through the air.        The conversations flowed easily and without a hitch, Y/N’s mom wanting to know how San Diego was treating them, what the weather was like there and if they were happy with their jobs before Y/M/N ushered them up to Y/N’s old bedroom        “Go, get some sleep, you two look like you could use some rest.”        “Wow, thanks mom, way to make us feel better,” Y/N snorted, but she was right. They needed sleep. A lot of it with what was coming the next day.        It’s like Billy could read her mind. He let out a huff, thinking about meeting up with his father. He wanted to skip it, but unfortunately, they kinda had to, seeing how Max lived with Neil and Susan.        “It’s gonna be alright,” Y/N whispered feeling him wrap his arms around her middle and relax his head against her back. They were alone in the safety of her bedroom, so he felt comfortable enough to let his guard down. “I won’t let him hurt you.”        “I know,” Billy’s voice was hushed by where he’d pressed his mouth to the nape of her neck. “But that’s part of Neil’s charm as much as it’s Hawkins’ – they both know how to screw things up.”        Y/N couldn’t argue with that so, she just carded her fingers through his hair as they watched the dark streets of Hawkins outside her window. A lamp flickered in the distance, but neither saw it.

***

       Billy’s palms were sweaty as he climbed out of the old Camaro, instinctually reaching for Y/N’s warm hand. She noted how the breath he let out was nothing short of shaky when he reached up to rap his knuckles against the door of the house he used to live in.        Y/N didn’t say home. Not even in her head. It had never been his home, it had never been his safe place. The number of times Billy had called her it, made her believe she was his, just like he was hers. California would’ve never truly been a place Y/N had been happy in, unless for him. He made it home.        Ten agonizing seconds passed, the thumps echoing through the garden, but nothing happened.            He knocked again.            Silence. Not even a footstep could be heard in the house.            Just as Billy was about to relax, realizing the place was empty and the meeting could be postponed until sometime during the week, maybe even till the Friday of the graduation, a car pulled up to the front of the garage, Susan’s surprised face looking the two of them.            Slowly, as if Neil wanted to torture his son even more than he already had, he opened his car door and stepped out, glaring at the people on his porch.            “What are you doing here?”           It was the same cold tone Billy had described his father always talked in, and Y/N instantly hated it.            “Came to see Max,” he curtly replied to the older man. “She’s graduating and stuff.”            “And you think she’d want you here because?”            A muscle in Billy’s jaw ticked. “Because she told me so herself.”            Neil let out a sarcastic snort and started to make his way to them. “Why would she want a piece of shit like you, someone who left her here alone, to come to her graduation? I’m sure she wants it to be a happy event and not have it ruined by you.”            The grip around Y/N’s hand tightened, and she squeezed back, trying to diffuse the anger rising in Billy. Then Neil’s attention turned to her.            “Don’t I know you?” he raised a finger to point at Y/N, and where Billy expected her to bristle because of everything he’d told her about his father, not even a single muscle moved in her face to show just how much she really didn’t want to be in his proximity.            “She was my girlfriend throughout pretty much the whole senior year and summer,” Billy answered not faltering with the way his dad smirked.            “Didn’t think you could keep it together enough to make something last.”            Y/N narrowed her eyes at her father-in-law. “Well, marriage and mutual respect kinda helps do that.”            Both his and Susan’s eyes widened as they dropped to where Y/N had her palm wrapped around Billy’s, and on her left ring finger sat a dainty silver band with a small diamond in it, a simple gold circlet resting above matching the one on Billy’s left ring finger.            “And when did that happen?” they could see Neil fuming underneath the mask of calm. “Thought your mother and father would get an invitation at least.”            “We didn’t wanna make you drive all the way out to San Diego,” Billy’s tone chilled even Y/N to her core. The remark wasn’t lost on Neil, as it reminded him of when his son had been in the hospital in a critical condition fighting for his life, and he hadn’t even bothered to drive the few miles to HMH to see if Billy was still breathing. And Y/N couldn’t help herself to jab the knife deeper.            “We just didn’t want to inconvenience you. After all, if a hospital is too far away, then how could we make you drive all the way to California?”            “Got yourself a mouthy one here,” Neil licked his bottom lip, and Y/N shivered in disgust. “They’re the hardest ones to keep in check, so gotta make sure you have a tight grip on ‘er,” he chuckled, levelling his gaze at Billy.            Contrary to how he expected Billy’s temper to rise, it was his son’s wife that shifted on her feet. His eyes flitted down to the side where Y/N was grasping at Billy’s shirt now, with a fist so tight, the clothing looked as if it might tear; unbridled rage in her eyes. And contrary to what Neil expected, it was Billy placing a calming hand on her knuckles where it used to be the other way around.            “We keep each other in check,” he responded with a stone-cold face, not giving in to Neil’s game. “And definitely not in the way you would.”            The sound of a skateboard rolling towards them from the other side of the sidewalk was enough of a distraction for everyone that it blocked whatever Neil was going to sneer in response.              “Billy!” Max shouted and rushed over to where the two twenty-year-olds stood before barreling into her brother’s chest. When Billy hugged Max with the same amount of affection, Y/N could see Neil seething.            His son was completely free. He had been hacking away at those chains little by little every day since they left for California. And the day when he’d found Y/N sobbing on their studio apartments bathroom tiles, he had broken them completely because she was pregnant, the white stick with a plus sign his confirmation.            His lips had engulfed hers in a passionate kiss before laughing through his own tears. He slid down to his stomach and pushed up Y/N’s shirt, peppering her tummy with kisses            “You’re not mad?” her voice trembled with confusion and relief.            “No,” he shook his head. “Surprised, unprepared yeah. Terrified beyond belief, but I’m gonna be the best dad ever. I promise. We’re gonna be alright…” After a pause, he added, “How far along do you think you are?”            Y/N had shaken her head and hid her face in the crook of his neck once he pulled her to his lap. “I dunno. I’ve missed like three periods, but I just thought it was because of the stress, you know. Uni and work on top of that... and I’ve had no symptoms like cravings or vomiting, so I dunno… are you really not angry at me?”            “Dollface, even I know it takes two to make a third,” he brushed a hand down her hair, helping Y/N steady her breathing, the smell of the cheap cologne he’d always buy at the local Hawkins department store had been replaced by the salty notes of seawater and fresh wind.  It had quickly become Y/N’s favourite scent of all time because it was Billy down to his core.            “We’ll figure it out,” he promised, bringing her face out from where she’d hidden it in his chest and pressing a love filled kiss to her forehead. “We’re gonna be okay.”            They truly were. When Y/N’s water had broken in the middle of the night, he was calm and collected despite freaking the fuck out on the inside, but his stress was something she didn’t need to deal with at that moment. And when Clara had wrapped her tiny little fist around his finger after nine hours of intense labour, there was nothing in this world that could stop him from loving the two humans that meant the most to him.            “He satisfy you?” Neil nudged his chin in Y/N’s direction making Billy’s face turn into a scowl. “Earn enough money? God knows he used to be good for nothing, maybe you’ve managed to straighten him out.”            Billy had taken a lot of shit from his dad throughout the years for a lot of things, half of them weren’t even his fault, but he wasn’t going to listen to Neil berate and put him down as a husband, when he knew he did the best he could and had Y/N remind him that every day.            He was just about to say at least he was a better father than Neil ever was when Y/N squeezed his side to let it go, not even dignifying the questions with an answer just a bitter cold stare.            “How long are you two staying?” Susan asked quietly and waited in tense silence as Billy huffed and glanced at his step-mother.            “Until the ceremony and then we gotta head home. Work and shit.”            “Watch your mouth, son,” Neil growled but Y/N smirked.            “Sorry,” she apologized with a fake smile. “Until the fucking ceremony. We got work and shit back home.”            Max’s grin was proud and annoyed at the same time. Proud cause neither of them were taking Neil’s berating, annoyed cause she’d have to hear him bitch about it for the rest of the week no doubt. Maybe even after Billy and Y/N left for San Diego and when she came back to Hawkins after her trip to their place.            Before retreating, Billy ruffled Max’s long red locks, and she gave him a tight hug.            “Careful Billy,” Y/N chuckled. “Show a bit more love and affection, and your dad might combust.”            “I guess its time to give Harrington a kiss then,” the smirk on his face was nothing short of mischievous. She rolled her eyes feeling the weight of his arm as he slung it around her shoulders and moved them towards the car again with a promise to Max that they’d meet for dinner that night.            Given how Y/N had called from her mom’s place to give Nancy and their friends a message as to around what time they’d be in Hawkins, Billy knew to drive to Benny’s as that was where they’d find them.            Sure enough, Nancy’s new Mustang was parked right in front of the joint, but another pair was there as well in the form of a smoking Tommy H and a bubblegum popping Carol.             It was like they were teenagers once again – the same bullshit socialite drama, Alpha male dick measuring contests and don’t-look-at-my-girl’s-ass stares as Y/N and Billy climbed out of the Camaro and went to walk inside where Nancy, Johnathan and Steve were all talking in a booth, but not before being intercepted by his old ‘friends’.            “Hargrove!” Tommy H shouted from where he stood next to a Mercedes convertible, Carol perched on the door with her legs inside the car on the seat. “The fuck, man? Why didn’t you call or something? Didn’t know you’d be coming back for the reunion!”            “ ‘M not here for that shit,” Billy snorted as if it was the most ridiculous thought in the world he’d bother to drive back to Hawkins to come to a class reunion. “I’m here cause my sister’s graduating. After that, you’ll never see my face again.”            “What the fuck happened to the King of Hawkins? He’d never turn down an opportunity to party,” Tommy scoffed mirroring Carol’s crossed arms as the two watched the pair move to enter Benny's. They couldn't believe Billy had straightened out, didn't want to.            “He finally cut out all the bullshit and found happiness.” By their expressions, it was better than a punch to the face. But Tommy was relentless. It’s like he had been waiting for the day Billy would arrive, like his life wasn’t fulfilled if the blond Californian didn’t sit by his side with a beer can in one hand and a cigarette between his teeth, girls practically grinding on their laps to be the chosen flavour of the week.            “Come on man, let’s smoke one. For old times’ sake.”            “I don’t do that anymore.”            “What?” Tommy laughed in disbelief.            “I quit,” Billy’s reply was curt. “Almost four years ago.” The same exact day he found out he’d be a dad, though that was not information he wished to indulge those two with.            “Next you’re gonna tell me you don’t drink anymore,” Carol snorted and shook her head.            Billy sighed and rolled his head to look at her. “Some things never change, do they?”            “Like what?”            “Like you being a bitch.”            Carol sneered at him but didn't get a chance to butt in as Steve with Nancy and Johnatan in tow exited the diner, having witnessed how they had been held up.            Swiftly turning their attention to the trio, Y/N engaged herself in a conversation with Nancy to block out the unwelcome distractions. But it was like they lived and breathed the attention people gave them and fed on everyone being annoyed.            “Didn’t think you two would still be together,” Carol slid up to where Y/N was talking with Nancy, and the two other girls rolled their eyes so hard, Billy was scared for a second, they’d stay stuck like that in their heads.            “Yeah, well, it wasn’t our intention to impress you,” Y/N answered, not taking her bait. Everyone could recall how Billy was with girls, them practically launching themselves at him, and him completely loving the attention.            Seeing how Y/N wouldn’t engage she tried a different tactic. “So, Tina’s throwing a party for everyone who’s come back.”            “Of course, she is,” Y/N mumbled but it wasn’t loud enough for Carol to hear, though Nancy did just fine, making her hold back a snort.            The old Hawkins high school students had decided to have a reunion the week the graduation was happening, but when Billy and Y/N had heard about that, neither had any harrowing need to see the people they left behind.            The ones they wished to keep in contact with they did, Nancy and Johnathan being frequent visitors of Y/N’s, and Billy even had a civil relationship with Steve, but other than that, the two had no wish to see everyone else.            “You two coming, or is Billy such a bore now because of you, that even he won’t show?” the remark was clearly addressed to Y/N.            “I dunno, why do you so desperately want to climb in my husband’s pants?”            Carol choked on the second to last word. “Husband?”            So, Y/N, with the smuggest smile she could muster up, allowed the girl to look at her left ring finger, the jewellery glinting in the sunlight. As the other woman kept her eyes onto the sparkling diamond, Billy’s hand slipped into the back pocket of Y/N’s jeans.            “Here, thought you might be thirsty,” he joined them having quickly gone into Benny's to get a drink and offered the open bottle of his soda. With a peck on his lips, she took the offered beverage, but not before lifting an eyebrow, gaze glued to Carol’s fuming face.            “Everything alright here?” Billy mumbled, not wanting to get involved in some girl drama.         “Yeah,” Y/N nodded. “Carol apparently just wanted to get you between her legs before she found out you’re in a committed relationship.”        “Sweet cheeks, we’ve been together since senior year,” even though the words were directed towards Carol, who just rolled her eyes, the meaning was for Y/N. We’ve been through hell and back, he'd meant. I’m just as much yours as you are mine.        “Besides, I’d rather abstain for the rest of my life than shove my dick in her hole,” Billy muttered in Y/N’s ears, and she chocked on the soda, so strongly that it shot up to her nose. As she coughed, his strong palm hitting on her back to help get the liquid out, everyone laughed at her reaction, apart from the two ex-friends that went to stand by their car.        “Probably has a side chick,” Tommy said to Carol. “There’s no way she’s enough, I mean it’s Y/N, for fuck’s sake.”        But Billy heard them, despite the two talking quietly and his wife’s coughing. “And you would know all about side chicks, wouldn’t you Tommy?” Billy threw back.        That just earned him a glare from Tommy and an eye-roll from Carol.        “Well, when you decide to stop being fucking drags, the party starts at ten.”        They hopped into the car, and the Mercedes roared to life, disrupting the conversation Billy had been having with Nancy and Johnathan about the details of their siblings’ graduation.        “Feels like old times, huh,” Steve muttered as Y/N leaned against his shoulder his eyes trailing after the car.        “But not too much,” she mumbled back. “I don’t ever want it to be like it used to.”        But they wouldn’t have any say in it. Deep in the woods of Hawkins, a shadow loomed between the trees, and an inhuman screech split the air apart. Things were just how they used to be, and it was not a good thing.

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[xiolaperry]

The Piano - Chapter 11

Summary: Belle French and her daughter arrive in New Zealand to an arranged marriage with Gaston LeGume.  Gaston shows little interest in her or her piano and books. However, Mr. Gold is fascinated… (Rumbelling of the 1993 film “The Piano”)

Rating: E for smut, dark subject matter and violence.

Also available on AO3

-

Belle dreamed of Mr. Gold. His arms were around her as they lay on their sides, facing each other on the bed, his cock hot and hard between them. He kissed her with such tenderness it made her cry. When she tried to embrace him in return, he dissolved and left her with nothing but air and tears on her face.

Unable to go back to sleep, she stroked her arms the way he had, trying to recreate the smallest bit of the feelings Mr. Gold had given her. It didn't work.

Breakfast the next morning was polite. Tilly chattered about wanting to visit Mary Margaret and Emma again, filling the uncomfortable silence.

“I will be building fences on the new property today, so I'm going to have to bar the door when I leave. Tilly, I know you're a good girl, but your mother must learn.”

Belle wanted to smack him.

“Could you slice up some bread and cheese to take along, please, Tilly?” She jumped up to fill his lunch bucket. Gaston leaned back in his chair, legs stretching out long in front him. Belle fantasized about throwing her coffee in his face to wipe the grin off of it.

Belle knew what Gaston was doing. But calling him out on using a little girl as a pawn was not an option. The situation was too volatile. However, it was better than Gaston being unkind to Tilly. Yesterday's scene could have been far worse. She had a moment of gratitude, then berated herself. She should never have to be grateful for not being assaulted.

With a cheery goodbye, Gaston returned to his fence building and barred the door behind him. She made a concentrated effort to be positive for Tilly's sake. Playing cards was a diversion for a part of the morning. Tilly was excited that she won every hand. Belle didn't just let Tilly win when they played – in her opinion, learning to lose was an important skill. But concentration was difficult; her thoughts kept returning to Mr. Gold. Labhrainn. She couldn't call him that in her mind yet, not while everything was still in upheaval.

How long had he waited for her yesterday? Was he still waiting, or had he given up, assuming she didn't love him? She pictured him at the table, alone with her book and chipped cup, and it broke her heart.

Belle could not touch her piano. It made her memories of Mr. Gold too vivid. She drew up some sheet music for Tilly to practice with, and they worked on chords and some simple songs. The long, dreary afternoon passed slowly. Books were not an escape. How could they be when her head was filled with him?

---

“I have chores near the house today,” said Gaston as she poured his coffee the next morning. “We’ll be having visitors this afternoon. Tilly, you can work in the garden for a little and then play outside if you like, no need for you to spend such a nice day indoors. But I think your mother should stay in and prepare something for our guests.”

He barred the door when they went out.

Cora, Regina, and Reverend Hopper did not know what to make of the fortified house when they arrived.

“Have the natives threatened you?” Cora asked Gaston when he came in from feeding the chickens.

“No, Aunt. We have had no problems.”

Belle served tea in the garish rose cups and sent up a silent prayer that Cora would not notice one cup was missing from the cabinet. A lecture about her unsuitability would send her over the edge and she'd probably smash them all.

“I'm glad to hear that. You see, the latch is on the wrong side of the door. When you close it, they will lock you in, instead of them out. You would be trapped.”

“It is rather dark in here with the windows covered,” said Reverend Hopper with a frown. “Is everything all right, Belle?”

She put on a brave face and nodded. The Reverend didn't need to be drawn into this. His expression still concerned, he asked, “Can you visit Mary Margaret next week? She sends her regards, and would like for the girls to get together.”

Belle looked at Gaston. How would he respond to this?

“Belle might be busy here at home. We'll see how the next few days go. I'll tell David when they’ll be able to call on them.”

As Reverend Hopper continued to feel out the situation, Regina emptied the basket. There was an apple pie she had made as a gift, and some preserves and ribbons. “We've been making the rounds spreading Christmas cheer,” said Regina. “We even took something to Mr. Gold's house, however undeserving he is.”

“Only because the Reverend insisted it was our Christian duty,” replied Cora. “Even if he is overly friendly with the natives. Granny was there, looking almost like a native herself.” She sniffed with disdain. Reverend Hopper stifled a sigh. “I don't know how anyone can stand to be in his company, even Granny. Mr. Gold was insufferably rude today.”

“Now, Cora, we need to --”

Regina interrupted him. “It's no matter. Tomorrow or the day after, he'll be gone.”

Belle's teacup clattered against the saucer as she put it down. She did not trust herself to hold it with her shaking hands.

“So Gold is packing up,” said Gaston. This was interesting news.

“He doesn't have much to pack, but he is leaving. I never understood that man. He has plenty of money -- he could have had a gracious home in the village and been part of the community. But no, he preferred the Maori to his own people. I say good riddance.”

Unable to remain sitting due to the agony inside her, Belle went to her piano. The anguish was too large to contain in her body. Music was the only way she could endure her emotions and keep from shattering. Mr. Gold had given up, thinking he was unloved and unwanted.

They watched her, surprised by her sudden movements. The melody she played cast a feeling of melancholy over the room. It was pain, loss, heartbreak personified through music. It was like nothing any of them had heard before.

Reverend Hopper put a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Belle, what's wrong?” She shook him off and kept playing. “Belle?”

Uncomfortable at the sudden tension, Cora said, “We must be off. There are others to visit.”

“Yes, Aunt. Thank you all for stopping by.”

Cora leaned in to stage whisper to Gaston. “Are you sure she's not mentally.... unsound?”

Belle made no response. She was pouring out her desolation for Mr. Gold.

“She's fine. I'll follow you out.”

In the sunlight, Reverend Hopper wrung his hands. “Is there anything I can do?”

“No, thank you. We just have a few things to work out between us.”

“Reverend Hopper, would you and Regina go on ahead? I'll catch up. I'd like to speak to my nephew for a moment.”

When they were far enough away, Cora asked him, “What's going on here, Gaston?”

“Marriage is not what I thought it would be, Aunt.”

“What she needs is another child. A son for you. Then she'll settle in.”

“I don't know if we'll ever love each other.”

“Love? Love is weakness. It means nothing. A baby, Gaston. Strong, healthy sons to keep the family going. Everything will work out then, you'll see.”

“I'm sure you're right. Thank you.”

Gaston approved of Belle's behavior that night. She was docile, serving him his meal, cleaning his boots and listening to his stories with no strange outbursts. As a test, he took her hand and kissed her cheek. She did not flinch. Tilly played the piano and sang. She called him 'Papa' now. He put his arm around Belle while they listened, and she did not pull away. This was what he pictured when Maurice French answered his advertisement for a wife.

---

Belle woke the next morning to the sound of boards being ripped from the windows and sunlight. Gaston, rising early, wanted to reward Belle for her better attitude the night before.

Finished, he came in, passing Tilly on her way out to dance in the sun and feed the chickens. “We must move on,” he told Belle. “Gold is leaving. No one will ever find out what happened. It's over.” He leaned down to look straight into her eyes. “You will not see him.” Tense moments passed.

Belle looked away first and shook her head. No, she would not see him.

Satisfied, Gaston gathered his things. There was work to do. “I'll be out at the edge of the new property,” he called as he walked away.

She watched him leave from the window, then opened the piano lid, reaching where the keys met the strings. A key removed and ready on the table, she heated a needle in the flame of a candle. The work was painstaking. When she finished, she had an engraved message on the side of the key. “Dear Gold, you have my heart.” She signed it Belle French. He had to know when he left he would take a piece of her with him. Not just her name, but her voice, and her heart. The piano missing its key would never be the same, and neither would she. He would understand.

She wrapped it with linen and tied it with a blue ribbon. Tilly was still outside, playing with her doll. Belle knelt in front of her and put the package into her hands. “Take this to Mr. Gold,” she signed. “It belongs to him.”

Tilly shook her head. “No, Mama. We're not supposed to go there.”

“I am not supposed to go there,” Belle corrected with deliberate, precise signs. She would keep her promise to Gaston, but Tilly had promised nothing.

Ignoring her mother's request, Tilly put the key down and continued to play with her doll. Belle pulled Tilly to her feet and gave her stern instructions. She pressed the wrapped gift into her daughter's hand, and sent her on her way.

Tilly reached a literal crossroads. The path forked - the right took her to Mr. Gold's; the left led to Gaston. She hesitated. The last time Mama visited Mr. Gold, the entire house got boarded up. Going there started problems, and it was his fault Mama was acting strange. Gaston was being nice. He seemed to like it when she called him 'Papa'. She'd never had a Papa before. Left. She would go left.

Thus decided, she continued skipping and singing. In her naivety, she believed that her choice would make everything better. Her Mama would smile again, and they'd visit Emma. Gaston would be a real Papa and love her. The sun was out, but gloomy clouds were gathering on the horizon. She followed Gaston's fence posts up and down the hills. At last, she saw him. Kamira was working with him today. Well, not working but watching as Gaston drove a post into the ground. He put his flask away when he noticed her.

“Kia ora Tilly!” he called out.

“Hello, Mr. Kamira. Hello, Papa.”

Gaston stopped hammering. “What do you have there?”

“Mama wanted me to give this to Mr. Gold.” She brandished the slender wrapped package at him, its blue ribbon eye-catching in the sun. “I didn't think I should. Want me to open it?” she asked, pulling at the bow.

“Give it to me.”

Palms sweaty, he undid the parcel. He stuffed the linen and ribbon in his pocket. A piano key? He turned it and saw the message. Fury rose in an instant, flashing through him and bursting into flame. He heard his father's voice.

“You let a woman make a fool out of you? I'm not surprised.”

“They'll laugh -- she preferred an old cripple to you. I knew you were worthless.”

“Teach her a lesson she won't soon forget.”

Each beat of his heart pounded another thought through his head:

“This.

Will.

Not.

Stand.”

The ivory key dropped from his fingers when he grabbed his axe.

End note: The music from the scene where Belle plays the piano.

[stuck-in-hawkins]

What Happened to Jopper?

So, if you are feeling disappointed by Jopper in Season 3. You aren’t alone. There was a very different dynamic this season than in ones past. I’m going to try to *briefly* break down what happened and why.

First, Hopper has always been an ass. We knew that from season 1. “Mornings are for coffee and contemplation.” But then, we’ve also been able to see these tender sweet moments. And he has pretty much only given Joyce the tender side of himself. In season one, he was gentle with her because there was this delicate situation that mirrored his own hurt. In season two, he still was this heroic protector. He went with her and Will to the lab. He comforted her. He was always tender with Joyce.

But this season was completely different. First, they are much closer. In previous seasons, Harper and Joyce were only together occasionally. He would come over to escort her and Will the lab, to keep them safe. But he wasn’t seeing her every day. So she only got the Best of him in those moments that require delicacy, he showed delicacy. But this season, they are together nearly every day and the dynamic has changed. He isn’t the one giving advice she is. He counseled her through grief when he though she lost her son and through trauma when they thought Will’s symptoms were only PTSD. But now, things have quieted down. The things Hopper needs advice on are being a parent to a teen and setting boundaries. These are things that Joyce is very familiar with. And she guides Hopper. Their relationship is closer in this aspect and Hopper can sense it and yearns for more of that connection. But Joyce holds back because of her grief. She doesn’t want to move on, yet. And, even if she was ready, she still would probably hold herself back, because, if she were to compare him to her previous relationships, he’d fall closer to Lonnie than Bob. And so, when Enzo’s happens, Hopper gets his hopes up way too much. He wishes for something before she is ready. He thinks that if they break out of the mold, the routine, she will see the possibility of them dating. And he presses her for the date because he feels like he’s running out of time. She has started trying to put her house on the market. She’s looking to move. He puts his best self forward at Enzo’s to try and win her over. To change their relationship and to convince her to stay.

But he ends up getting his heart stomped. She doesn’t show up or even call. And this is where the Hopper that we saw this season comes in. He is bitter, gruff, and all bluster. But even when he is saying, “God forbid, any of us move on. Because that would be-” He stops himself from saying crazy. And say “too muc” instead. Because people have been calling her and her family crazy for most or the entirety of her life. He, even in his anger, is gentle.

Now, where this really changes is after the lab. Hopper goes into brute cop mode, something Joyce has not been around for, but has always been there. And Joyce is suddenly in a buddy cop role without any training or expertise. So, she’s doing everything she can to keep up and help. And Hopper has to deal with a rookie being at his side during one of the most intense and high stakes situations he has ever been in. He is not his best self in front of Joyce now. He is completely open. He is a short-tempered ass, frustrated with their situation. He is still dealing with that bitterness and rejection in addition to that. But we get to see him view Joyce in a new light, too. “I want you to work with me at the station.” He begins to see her as a partner, not just a potential girlfriend. Joyce realizes something about Hopper, too. That they can be in the most intense and stressful situations and he will still have that love and warmth underneath it. That he will still respect her. “You’re supposed to say, ‘I told you so. That’s why we needed to go back to the kids.’” He admits when she is right. She realizes that he isn’t Lonnie but he isn’t Bob either. And so that takes the fear away. She doesn’t have to wonder who he is underneath the “honeymoon” stage. She sees all sides of him and realizes it could turn into love.

This season changed a lot of the dynamics we had formally become acquainted with. It’s meant that a lot of the theories we’ve made, the ideas we had about these relationships have been changed. We have to readjust to what they were like. I have heard the term OOC for a lot of the characters this season. I am on my third time watching it and have gotten to really dig into what the Duffers have done with the characters. Everything has become more messy and complex. We have seen these characters at some of their worst and most confrontational. They have argued and yelled and clashed. But despite that, they are still the same tender characters that we knew before. Like Joyce and Hopper, we have to allow ourselves to see past the honeymoon stage and allow them to be as they are, flawed, complex, and human.

[multifandom--imagine]

LAST NIGHT || ALEXEI (SMUT)

warning: I've never written smut and so don't expect anything explicit or 50 shades of gray lmao. Also English is not my mother language so I might have done something grammatically wrong.

Your life surely was definitely not the correct definition of normal, indeed to be honest since you moved to Hawkings your life had definitely taken an abnormal turn.

The day before you were simply Sheriff Hopper's assistant, you can tell his apprentice and your days were limited to making fines on the street and delivering donuts to your boss. And now here you are in a bunker together with your boss, his "lover" or anyway partner in crime Joyce, a crazy communist named Murray and a Russian scientist named Alexei, or so he called himself, sitting at a table and plotting on a possible Russian invasion inside a village forgotten by God in Indiana. How did you end up in all this? Simple, this strange Russian base has gathered a lot of energy, for some kind of absurd plan, making Joyce and your boss go crazy that as far as they could seem to you, completely mad, they still caught your attention and so, as a good assistant you followed them in this crazy adventure risking your life several times.

This evening at the bunker it was quite challenging, your cronies seem to have found a great plan to put the word "end" to this macabre chapter, the only thing you are 100% certain of is the fact that nothing will be easy at the end. inside of this plan and the chances of any of you losing your skin are very high. Therefore in that hovel a strange silence had been created, it appears for Joyce and Hopper which seemed to have taken a taste for us to quarrel like two children. Murray was reading and repeatedly reading the plan he had made with being too neurotic, while Alexei ... well he turned out to be a real puppet, he had been watching TV all afternoon, he would have seen more or less 50 Looney Toons episodes. If you had remained even just 3 seconds inside that bunker you would have gone mad, so observing Alexei I gave him a slight blow to the shoulder.

"Murray, can you ask him if he's hungry?" You asked the old grumpy man who answered you:

"You stop treating me like a fucking translator" he commented sourly and then recalled the Russian boy's attention “Вы голодны?”

“один” the boy answered immediately.

"He said yes" Murray replied quickly before returning to his work.

"Perfect then, come on" you said, taking Alexei's arm "Smirnoff and I are going to eat something" you announced as you started toward the exit, before being blocked by a furious Hopper.

"Excuse me? Are you crazy? If you go out they'll find out! "

"I'm not stupid, boss. There is a service station a few meters from here, we eat one thing and then come back here, they won't catch us, promise” The sheriff grunted annoyed and then reluctantly gave you the keys.

"Hurry up" and without saying anything else he let you out of the bunker.

*  *  *

A grave silence reigned in the car, perhaps you should also have brought Murray with you, at least you could have exchanged a few words with some living being. But that young Russian scientist had caught your attention, among all he seemed the most gentle and probably both you and he shared the same position, you felt lost and trapped in a trouble surely bigger than you.

"Hey..." you said drawing his attention "Do you want something to eat in particular? Chicken? Beef?" You asked in a somewhat dubious tone, probably Alexei hadn't understood anything you had told him.

"Slurpee" he said, earning you a slightly perplexed look.

"You can't just eat granite...okay let’s do this, I'll take you to a nice place and you choose what you want, okay?" you observed his expression a little dazed and for this you raised your eyes to the sky. "Good God, is it possible that you don't understand a shit what I tell you? You can't just speak Russian in America" you said, snorting. This Russian didn't just tell you, he had to understand something English!

Anyway, you arrived at the service station, which had a fast-food next to you and you and Alexei got out of the car by getting out of the car. Arriving at the counter you indicated to the scientist the sandwiches they were selling in the station and strangely he seemed to understand, and holy god, he ordered two Big Macs, a large portion of chips and nine nuggets. You limited yourself to a medium toast and a coca-cola. You decided to buy Alexei ache his beloved Slurpee cherry and parking your hidden car shortly after the station you sat on the hood and consumed your dinner.

You looked at the sky, reflected, your head was a tangle of thoughts, questions and concerns. The feeling of not being able to see tomorrow or not being able to taste a fucking Mac Donalds toast really made you feel disgusted, as if everything no longer had a meaning, an importance, as if the rules had been banned, it was all a passing of seconds that crumbled waiting to be lived as it was right. You took a deep breath and looking at Alexei in the eyes you took a few seconds to contemplate that childish face. His cheeks were round and slightly red, his lips were thin and wet from the liquid of his cherry granita, his curly golden hair was untidy, his glasses framed those lively, innocent little eyes. That continuous observance had given birth to a strange sensation in you, as if a burning fire had been created in your stomach and certainly could not be nervous gastritis.

"Listen to me Smirnoff" you said in a tone that was perhaps too tense, enough to earn you a puzzled look on the part of the scientist "Probably tomorrow we'll all die and I barely finished college, I didn't live long enough to say that my life is less shitty than now. You probably think the same thing" you admitted getting closer to him "So before some crazy communist finds us and kills us, please let me do a fantastic fuck" I said feeling a little warmth on your cheeks.

Alexei's eyes almost popped out of their sockets as your lips touched his.

You thought he would repel you with enough disgust, but when one of his hands touched one of your cheeks to bring your face closer, you all started galloping with emotion. His lips were so sweet and sugary, it seemed you were eating a sweet cherry. You walked away a few centimeters just to take a second breath and, observing the young Russian's eyes, you could notice a strange spark in them, as if an animalistic instinct had awakened in him, but in any case there remained a tender, helpless puppy for you.He came down with a small leap (even a little awkward lol) from the car and making his way between your legs tried to get close to your body again. Your faces were still very close and biting your lower lip you looked him in the eyes with a mischievous smile, while your hands wandered lightly on his shirt, then grabbing the collar so as to push the boy into a new kiss more wild and passionate this time, the tip of your tongue tapped gently on Alexei's lips, inviting him to investigate this sinful act. It didn't take long before he opened his mouth making your tongues meet in a lusty dance.

His hands timidly rested on your hips, squeezing them slightly, when he felt your fingers unbutton his shirt, while your lips left a damp trail of kisses and bites from his jaw, to his Adam's apple where you left a small mark reddish, making a shy grunt escape from Alexei's lips but he seemed very pleased with all those attentions.

When you got to the last button the scientist caught you off guard by quickly taking off the t-shirt you were wearing, leaving you wearing only your bra, he also took off his own shirt, leaving somewhere on the ground, then letting you lie on the hood car, bringing your skin into contact with cold metal.

Alexei took the opportunity to steal another sweet kiss from you, slowly bringing a hand to your breast, squeezing it over your bra cup and when you saw him blush as soon as he listened to your light moans, you couldn't hold back. So raising your torso a little you unhook your bra, leaving your breast and the prey of the young Russian's lips in plain sight, and he grabbed the fabric of your shorts, starting to unbutton them with great enthusiasm.

None of you had the patience to engage in the preliminaries, you both knew already what you wanted and there was no need for words or translations to understand it. After getting rid of your panties too Alexei took you by the hips, bringing your lower belly even closer to his and the first thing you could hear was his obvious erection, hidden in the fabric of his pants.

“Вы сделали хороший беспорядок, котенок” he whispered in your ear in a very deep tone, leaving you an absurd curiosity about what that phrase could have meant, but little did you care at that moment you just wanted to feel pleasure and be satisfied.

"Stop talking and unbutton those pants" you commented with a slight laugh, while the boy seemed to have guessed your request and performed it without blinking.

As soon as his member was free from the fabric of the boxers, Alexei invited you with a small gesture to lie down on the cold bonnet of that car and when you could feel your intimacy going into contact with that of the Russian let slip a sweet moan from your wet lips . Needless to say, when the young scientist decided to get inside you with a slow push you couldn't help arching your back for pleasure, letting that silent and forgotten place of God begin to fill up with your languid moans as the pushes were getting faster and deeper.

Your eyes were glued to each other, lost in your irises, the only moments when the contact was interrupted was when your eyelids came together for a few moments and then reopened, you knew that that relationship was the most absurd and unusual in the world but surely, nothing you were doing was remorseful.

With your slightly trembling hands you took Alexei's face in your hands and before you both reached the apex of that relationship, you joined his lips to yours in a last and passionate kiss.

* * *

"Yo boss, we are back..." you said entering the bunker with a very tired face and throwing the keys next to Hopper's hands "I'm going...I'm going to take a shower" you announced stretching before locking yourself in the bathroom.

Meanwhile Alexei sat down on the couch, pulling a long sigh and trying to calm the blush that colored his chubby cheeks, but he had to pull himself to attention when Murray sat down next to him and drank a glass of vodka.

[this conversation between murray and alexei is in Russian, but I decided to translate it lol]

"Where have you been, my friend?" He asked, giving him a winking look. "Just to know, do you know? It was an hour and a half that we were missing" the man said ironically. Alexei cleared his throat and then adjusted his glasses.

"We ate at one of your American fast foods" he tried to mislead by looking elsewhere, at the TV screen on.

"Really? And what did you make that little girl eat? Your cock?” He asked ironically to let out a fat laugh, finally giving the Russian friend a heavy pat on the back, leaving him alone and with a face as red as a tomato.

[laschatzi]

My fic masterlist

Here I’ve listed all my fics - list is constantly updated. Here you find the summaries and ratings - fics without an M or E-rating are all G. The ff.net and ao3 links are included in every fic if you click on the link.

I tried to list them in a way that makes most sense... if you’re looking for more specifications like hurt/comfort etc., word count, just click on the link.

Multichapters (there’s only one so far):

Smooth Sailing (With A Chance Of Definite Passion) (M) Set post 3x22 - I wanted to explore the question where the relationship was going without obstacles like Elsa and Marian. Later, though, other obstacles might appear, because as we know - there’s always a crisis. My very first CS fic, 12 chapters.

Fics with three or more parts:

So Far And Out Of Sight (M in the epilogue) A post 3x20 canon divergence in five parts: Zelena’s portal never opens, and so Emma never has the revelation about missing her parents and Storybrooke being her home. She takes Henry back to New York, just like she’s planned, determined to go back to their life during the missing year. But with her blissful ignorance gone and Henry being less than cooperative, it’s not as easy as she thought. And then someone comes knocking at her door, determined to make it even less easy…

Cute Little Heartbreaker (M in part 4) Modern AU in 4 parts: Emma Swan is a vagabond. She never stays in a place longer than for six months. The night before the first day at her new job, she decides she needs a little distraction and walks into a bar looking for a one-night-stand and finds her object of choice in a good-looking guitar player. Oh, and he sings, too. From that moment on, nothing goes as planned.

Never Hurts (M in part 2) Modern AU in 3 parts, based on a prompt: We are coworkers who hate each other, but on the staff Christmas party you drunkenly confessed your feelings for me, and now I don’t know how to act around you (except, Killian knows exactly how to act). This is also a Christmas fic.

You Can Walk Under My Umbrella Modern AU: 3 parts, based on the prompt  “I forgot my umbrella and you offered to walk me home in the rain and I thought this would be the beginning of a cute love story but you’re really shit at this oh my god my shoulder is so wet, hold the damn thing properly wth man”

Neverland fics:

Sugar And Spice Killian is preoccupied that Emma endangers herself by eating something she doesn’t know. Turns out, actually it’s something he doesn’t know. Set somewhere pre-kiss.

Trying Something New The Nevengers have arrived on Neverland only shortly ago, when Killian overhears a conversation between Emma and her mother about whether it’s really wise to trust a pirate.

Fair Fight The day before the big showdown with Pan to get Henry back, he finally confronts Emma with the fact that her sword fighting skills are not as good as she thought. Is she willing to take lessons from him?

In Pain, In Need Set after Killian’s betrayal of Ursula. He returns to the accursed island full of more self-loathe than ever. Tinkerbell tries to help.

Not The Time To Be Jealous Observing a conversation between Killian and Tinkerbell causes Emma to think back to Neverland and her jealousy of the fairy. 

I Bathe Quite Frequently Emma goes to a lake to refresh herself a little before the final battle with Pan. Killian had the same idea, and she just can’t keep herself from watching. 

Christmas fics:

Since We’ve No Place To Go Modern AU: After a car accident in the middle of nowhere of rural Maine, Emma Swan almost freezes to death, but is rescued by a three-legged dog named Smee and his grumpy master Killian Jones who can’t seem to get rid of her soon enough to have his self-chosen hermitage back.

Pardon The Way That I Stare Modern AU: When Emma Swan meets Killian Jones, he seems to be too good to be true. Good she doesn’t have to ponder over it, but then she meets him again.

Home Alone or How The Grinch Found Christmas Modern AU: Emma Swan and Killian Jones both planned to visit their siblings for Christmas… both were thwarted by the weather. Does it have to be a lonely Christmas for them?

And A Teaspoonful Of Love The first Christmas Day dinner at Emma’s and Killian’s new house, and Killian and Snow get into a fight over the perfect recipe for Christmas Pudding. Will this end well?

Belated Gifts (M) Holiday smut about unwrapping the wrong gifts.

Never Hurts (M in part 2) Modern AU in 3 parts, based on a prompt: We are coworkers who hate each other, but on the staff Christmas party you drunkenly confessed your feelings for me, and now I don’t know how to act around you (except, Killian knows exactly how to act).

Mistletoe And Wine (M) More holiday smut. Emma is giving Killian a hard time while putting up their first Christmas tree. Until he has enough.

Let Your Heart Be Light Killian and Emma are about to celebrate their first Christmas together and realize that it’s their first truly happy one.

Dark One fics:

Dark One Lies, Dark One Tricks A spec fic about Dark Killian having a secret agenda, and that is to save Emma and destroy the darkness.

It Creeps Up In You The fight of the darkness Vs. the light inside Emma, a spec fic written from the darkness’s POV.

Broken Toy What if the Dark Swan wasn’t able to save Killian in time after he jumped off the roof in 5x08?

Exit Light, Enter Night, Take My Hand (M) Killian is still trying to find a way to save the Savior gone dark. A spec fic written before we knew that he was a Dark One, too.

Other one-shots or two-parters, smutty (some are M, some E, some in between):

In My Wildest Dreams Emma just can’t get enough of Killian - quite literally. And that leads to her having a dream. And it’s wild. But also loving. (This is a threesome fic, so skip it if that’s not your thing. But it only happens in a dream, if the sort-of-cheating aspect is what puts you off.) 

Corruption And Consequences Driving lessons taking a turn? Idk my dudes, this is basically pwp, slightly kinky.

In The Good Way Yes, this is what you think it’s about. Handcuff shenanigans at the sheriff’s station.

Just Another AU Emma Swan has a stressful job and a demanding family, and sometimes she just needs to unwind. Killian Jones is always willing to help out when he gets a distress call.

In The Wee Hours, part 1 Emma wakes up in the middle of the night, and well… she just goes with the flow. This is very tender pwp.

In The Wee Hours, part 2 Killian wakes up from a pleasant dream only to find he isn’t really dreaming. Still very tender pwp.

A Hard Day’s Night Emma sends Killian an indecent selfie, and like Regina once said: never thinking of the consequences…

Fuzzy Feelings A neat pile of smuff, Killian’s fuzzy butt is the heart of this ficlet.

Where We Belong Set between 5x21 and 5x22, pretending there’s at least one day of peace to breathe and take care of some wounds before hell breaks loose again. Killian and Emma deal with the aftermath of being the Dark Ones.

Do You Think Of Me? Killian comes home from a sailing trip unexpectedly early and finds Emma engaging in a little self-love.

Up To No Good Emma claims that Killian is predictable. But is it really wise to challenge a pirate?

Consider Living A Life During the peaceful 6 weeks: When Killian doesn’t show up, Emma goes looking for him nervously - and walks in on him when he’s just leaving the shower, seeing him naked for the first time.

It’s In His Kiss Killian’s fingers are even talented enough to braid Emma’s hair. And there’s more.

The G-spot Killian learns something new about the modern world every day. For example, what a g-spot is.

That Damn Bar Wench I Kissed What if Killian actually remembers the encounter of his past self with Emma in the Enchanted Forest?

A Birthday To Remember Emma finds out by accident when Killian’s birthday is. He doesn’t want any fuss over it. Emma and Henry are having none of that. Set in season 4, before Killian got his ship back.

A Few Planks, A Sail, And A Red Vest After Killian gets his ship back, he and Emma inspect it and, when Emma finds a certain garment she remembers, reminisce on their adventure in the Enchanted Forest.

All Of The Hell I Had To Walk Through Set after 4x11 - how it should have gone after Emma restored Killian’s heart.

Other one-shots or two parters, non-smutty:

It’s Forever A ficlet set roughly in the peaceful six weeks between 4A and 4B. Smee is surprised when his Captain approaches him for a chat.

What His Captain Needs A ficlet set in 3x17. After his unsatisfying talk with Killian, Smee watches his Captain from afar talk to Emma Swan and her son. And suddenly he understands a few things.

Lay Your Weary Head To Rest Missing scene from 5x21. Right before moving on from the Underworld Killian meets his father. Can they forgive each other and find closure?

Hook’s Smooth An ode to Killian’s body hair... and Emma’s obsession with it.

A Sorrow That Never Was Said Snow discovers something about Killian's childhood and uses the occasion to assure him of his place in their family.

Not Today Killian’s state of mind right before he follows Emma through the portal in 3x21.

A Vision Softly Creeping Set post-wedding:  Killian keeps having nightmares he can’t quite remember. With Dr. Hopper’s help, he discovers one of the reasons for them, and that might require a painful, in-depth talk with Emma.

It’s You Set in 4x16: A continuation/divergence of the conversation Killian and Emma have about the wooden man child.

The Man You Want To Be Set after 6x10. Killian tells Emma story how he found out that he had a little half-brother. Yeah, painful. 

Thirteen Snow just wants to make sure that Emma is really happy. Slightly crack-ish fic about Emma being grilled by a curious Snow in the style of “Was there a goodnight kiss?” 

Privacy And Pancakes You’d think Snow has learned not to use her spare key. Well, she hasn’t. And this time, she brought David. 

Unhappy Beginnings During the peaceful 6 weeks after Gold’s banishment, Emma is determined to find out more about Killian’s beginnings.

Smiles A little 3x20 canon divergence where Killian is not left out at the hospital but is unexpectedly included.

The Past And All Its Scars After his return from Neverland, Killian finds that Emma has already packed away his belongings, and he’s upset. So much for always believing the best in him. A post 6x17 fix-it fic.

The Life That You’ve Lost Set in 3x12: A drabble about Emma’s thoughts and feelings right before she takes a leap of faith and drinks the stuff the weird leather-clad guy is offering her.

Family, Kind Of Alice Jones from Hyperion Heights, Seattle, comes to Storybrooke, Maine to finally meet the man who looks like her papa’s twin… and to hug the woman who saved his life.

The Way These Stories Go Set between 2x05 and 2x06: A glimpse into Killian’s thoughts and feelings during the walk from the ogre lawn to the beanstalk.  

A Part Of Something A post-3x20 canon divergence where Zelena’s portal never opens. Just when Emma has made up her mind about a possible future for herself and Henry in Storybrooke, she discovers that Killian is planning to leave.

Done With You While fighting Hook for the magical compass at Lake Nostos, Emma catches a glimpse of his soft side, and she thinks back to their last encounter in Rumple’s cell…

What This Family Does Killian comes back from Neverland, and some things should not be swept under the rug. Another 6x17 fix-it fic, because I felt that Killian deserved a little more than just being forgiven.

A Favor Returned Modern AU. Emma is scelebrating New Year’s Eve with her girls, and they are having fortune cookies of a special kind. A handsome, but infuriating stranger doesn’t help to lift the mood…

She’s A Marvel Killian wants to propose to Emma and is nervous about her reaction - but first, he has to seek approval from the other important men in her life: David and Henry.

Every Little Thing She Does Post Underworld: Emma’s magic goes haywire every time she and Killian get intimate, causing the power in Storybrooke go crazy. This doesn’t remain unnoticed.

All Hope Abandon Ye Who Enter Here The rescue mission for Killian shows up in the Underworld. But first, they need to convince him that they’re not just one of Hades’s cruel tricks. Written as a spec fic before season 5 aired.

Dexterity Devotee Just a little anatomy study of Killian’s hand.

Not Black And another anatomy study of Killian’s hair.

That’s What They Said It takes Killian and Emma a long time, for various reasons, before they say the three little words to each other. But not really.

Home A little ficlet about the 3x22 kiss from Killian’s POV.

Lullaby Emma wonders why her daughter always wants Killian to bring her to bed.

Persistence Killian and David are sharing a beer and memories about memory losses and how not to break them.

Home Again Cross The Sea Killian takes Emma and Henry on a sailing trip.

Blown Fuses Modern AU in 2 parts: Emma Swan and her son Henry are on holidays in a secluded beach house at Cape Cod, away from people, just like she loves. Unfortunately, there are other beach houses for rent, too, and Henry has taken a liking to their temporary neighbor.

Little Girl Lost While Killian and David bicker, they lose sight of more important things, such as their children.

When You Love Them And They Love You After Emma takes the darkness and disappears, Killian’s first impulse is to set sails and go find her. Mary Margaret wants to convince him that they have to do it together - as a family.

More Than Words Modern AU: After another breakup, Emma moves into a shabby apartment. Every night, she hears someone playing guitar and singing through the air vent. She never believed you could fall in love with a voice.

Save Me From The Nothing I Become Set in 2x14/2x15: What happened after Emma knocked Hook out in New York and chained him in a basement room?

Lie Down With Me A little daddy Killian ficlet.

Sleepless Emma can’t sleep, several talks she had with Killian are weighing on her mind.

Expecting Sequel to Sleepless: Killian’s reaction to Emma’s news.

Rotten A little 4x11 divergence where Emma defeats Gold and restores Killian’s heart and assures him that it is, indeed, not rotten.  

Black As The Devil, Hot As Hell Sequel to Rotten: Emma and Killian go on their second date. This time, the loft isn’t as crowded as the last time, and so she invites him in, for coffee.

[aweebwrites]

Diamond Heart

Warning: sad, toxic themes

_______________________

(Shout out to my lovely friend and beta @thelucariosfish!)

_______________________

Jay blamed himself for this mess. He should have known. It was karma really. Now, looking at Nya after Pixal revealed her better match was Cole, seeing the guilt in her eyes… He wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry. He loves her so much. But that’s not where the irony lay.

“Ha, it’s so quiet in here. What did I miss? Another signature Jay Walker gut buster?” Cole says as he walked in and Jay’s heart ached at the sight of him.

This was all karma. Maybe even his fault. Who told him to go falling for them both? He walked out of the caravan, ignoring Nya and his parents calling after him and Cole’s worried expression. He ran. As far and as fast as he could. Until he had to stop to catch his breath. The tears spilled then and he slumped into the hot sand, choking on his own sobs, despite trying to hide them with his hands. Who was he kidding? He was never enough for Nya. Never enough for Cole either. He was happy with her but he couldn’t help but also being drawn to Cole. Nya was self sufficient, smart, beautiful and firm. Cole was selfless, thoughtful, handsome and near painfully sweet. There was no need for wishful thinking. What he and Nya had was over and done with. He saw it in her eyes. He saw it in both of their eyes while they were on that circus train.

He knew they had been holding hands, had been sharing a moment more tender than anything he and Nya had before, He knew. But he was foolish to think denial could fix things. Could keep him with one of the loves of his life and keep admiring the other from afar. He laughed. An ugly, broken sound before gripping his chest, looking down at the sand damped with his tears. He was a fool to think that he could keep this. He was even more of a fool to hope, in the depths of the night, that he could just maybe have both. The world didn’t work that way. Nothing is certain. He tightened the tear dampened hand over his heart, a vain attempt to keep his heart from breaking. He knew that more than anything now…

_______________________

He didn’t go back to the junkyard. The others found him instead, sitting with his arms wrapped tight around his knees as he stared out at the sunset. He felt hollow. But they couldn’t know that. He glanced back once he heard the Earth Driller approach. Nya and Cole were the first ones to jump out.

“Took you guys long enough.” He says with a smirk, his usual mask fitting on seamlessly.

Nya paused, sharing a look with Cole.

“The perfect match doesn’t have to change anything if we don’t want it to.” Nya says quietly and Jay wanted to laugh.

It already has changed everything. He wasn’t blinded by choice any more. He knew it was only a matter of time before…

“You knew I wouldn’t, right?” Cole says with a small frown and Jay wanted that guilty, concerned expression away from his face.

He should always smile. Jay stood up.

“I know you wouldn’t.” He says, placing a hand on his shoulder. “You’re a jerk but not that big of a jerk.” He joked and Cole laughed in relief, gently pushing his shoulder.

“I was thinking the same thing.” He says, turning to Nya then gave a sheepish grin. “I ah… I actually got lost.” He says, scratching the back of his neck in embarrassment.

That pulled a laugh out of everyone. Funny how quickly they bought that after knowing he lived out here his entire life.

“Come on. Let’s head back to the Monastery.” Lloyd says from the Earth Driller and they nodded before hopping in.

Jay sat next to Nya as they began the journey back. He kept a smile on his face, widening it when Nya held his hand. It was only a matter of time… So maybe he can enjoy it, enjoy this while he still had it. He glanced back at Cole who was staring at the back of Nya’s head with a thoughtful frown. He was surprised to realise Jay was looking at him then have him a sheepish grin. Jay just gave him an oblivious smile before looking ahead. The time may be sooner than he first thought…

_______________________________

Nya and Cole avoided each other for a few days, especially when Jay was around. Every time they accidentally cross paths, it lead to awkward greetings. But soon, things settled down and Jay held his breath.

“Hey, Cole.” Nya called and Jay paused outside the hallway he was walking through to get some fresh air. “Could you lift this for me?”

“Oh. Sure.” Cole says and the sound of him grunting as he lifted something echoed.

He should go. He really should. He doesn’t have to stay to hear any of this...

“Hey, there’s this awesome bakery that just opened in New Ninjago City. Do you wanna check it out sometime?” She sounded a little nervous.

“Bakery?! Ah. Sure!” Cole agreed and Jay turned away, heading back to his assigned room in Garmadon’s Monastery.

He sat down on his bed, his back against the wall as he stared up at the ceiling. He felt both numb and raw like a live wire. He didn’t think his heart could break any more than it already had but here he was, being proved wrong. Silent tears slipped from his eyes. If there was ever a time he wished he had another power, it was now. He wish he had Cole’s Earth powers. He wished that his heart was made of stone. Maybe then, he wouldn’t feel like this. Like his world had ended. Like he was about to fall apart with just the sight of them. He wanted… He wanted…. It was his wanting that got him in this situation. He glanced out the window at his shoulder. Maybe he was overreacting. Maybe he should be the bigger person and just let go.

He looked down at his hands as he turned them into fists. He had never been the bigger person. He was in too deep to just let go. He loved too deeply, too completely to just let go. He was too tangled up. He couldn’t let go on his own. Not that he want to. He knew his chances were shot but he wanted to keep going. Knowing that Nya was falling for Cole, knowing Cole was falling for her. It was unhealthy but he couldn’t change that about him. He wished that he wasn’t always so vulnerable, wished he was more solid, confident. He’d even have the strength, the courage to profess his love to Cole, to bring them all together, to make them something better. If only he were different. If only he was better. But he wasn’t. Here he was, wallowing in his misery.

He looked up once he heard footsteps approach, swiping his tears away and masking his misery with exhaustion.

“Hey Jay, you up for- woah. Did you sleep at all?” Kai asked him, holding the door open.

“I had a few ideas last night, about this invention I could make and use a ultra blue fingle hopper in and-”

“That… Totally doesn't sound made up at all and I’m sure it’s all very interesting.” Kai says, cutting Jay off. “Just get some sleep. I’ll let the others know not to bother you.” He says with a concerned look then closed his door.

Jay laid down and curled in on himself. He really does feel tired…

_________________

“Careful. Wouldn’t want you to pull a muscle.” Nya says with a smirk as she watched Cole single handedly roll the water wheel back onto the Monastery grounds.

“Don’t sweat anything for me Ny, I’ve got this.” Cole says with a grin then kept it in place so she could reattach it.

“Aren’t you two a little too friendly?” Zane questions, raising a brow.

“There’s such a thing as too friendly?” Cole questions curiously.

“I was just teasing. It’s no different from Kai calling you metal head.” Nya shrugged then continued hammering.

Zane frowned. The undertones suggested otherwise. He walked over to Jay who was sitting next to Kai, watching them.

“Jay, are you truly alright with their flirting?” He asked and Kai bore an insulted look.

“You’re reading too much into it Zane. Nya would never flirt with anyone, especially not with Cole when she’s with Jay.” Kai defended.

“Kai’s right Zane. Nya isn’t that kind of person.” Jay says with a carefree grin and Zane frowned.

Perhaps he was over analyzing things…

Jay kept a smile on his face, even as his blue eyes darkened. He was a coward, masochistic even. He and Cole hardly spend time together. It wasn’t for lack of trying either. They would usually goof around, play video games, an impromptu wrestling match he would start just to feel him against him… Nya was the same. She always had something to do. Never a moment for them, what they no longer had. You would think after everything these past few weeks, he would distance himself but he couldn’t. He had such little time left before he had no choice but to stay away. He couldn't stop himself. Just another moment pretending this was ok. Just another second seeing them smile at him… Just another sweet heartbreak, another moment of beautiful agony.

“Are you ok Jay?” Zane's voice snapped him out of it.

“Yeah. Sorry. I'm just a little tired.” Jay says, rubbing his eye.

“Still haven't been sleeping?” Kai questioned.

“I have! I just probably need to sleep longer.” Jay huffed, crossing his arms.

He really did want to sleep longer. He wanted to dream forever, to dream of a place where he could have them both. It was selfish of him but he wanted it. It wasn't Nya and Cole falling for each other that was ripping his heart out. It was the fact that they were falling for each other without him.

“I'm gonna take a nap.” He says as he got up and walked away.

The moment he was out of sighed, he deflated. This was unhealthy. He was obsessed and he knew it. He wanted them both more than anything and he couldn't stop himself from thinking this way. His head has been filled with nothing but toxicity. He knew all of this. But…

“Jay. Are you alright?” He jolted his head up to see Garmadon walking towards him.

“Fine. I just need a nap is all. I've been feeling a little tired lately.” Jay says and it wasn't a lie.

No matter how much he slept, he kept feeling exhausted. A sign of depression but one he could do nothing about.

“I see. Oversleeping won't help but a nap might be good for you.” Garmadon nods.

“I'm gonna do that now. See you Sensei G!” Jay says then headed up the stairs to his room.

He closed the door behind him, then flopped onto his bed, staring ahead blankly. One of the worst thing about being self aware… Is watching yourself do and think toxic things all the same.

________________

“We can't.” Cole whispered, both he and Nya less than an inch apart. “Jay's my friend. My best friend. I can't hurt him like this.” He says, stepping back.

“What am I thinking?�� Nya whispered to herself, stepping back as well. “I'm with Jay! But… Lately he's been off. A lot quieter… He spends more time in his room than anywhere else… I don't know…” She sighed, taking a seat.

“... Maybe you should talk to him about that.” Cole says after a moment.

“I would but Jay… He gets hurt easily. It's hard to be straight with him sometimes.” Nya says with a frown then remained quiet for a moment. “Not like I can be with you.” She says, across at Cole.

“The truth is, I love Jay. I really do but… I don't feel that spark we had. I… I love him but I'm not… IN love with him.” She whispered and Cole frowned.

“What are you trying to say? You're going to break up with Jay?” Cole asked, surprised.

“... It would be the best thing to do.” She says, looking down. “I fell in love with someone else anyway…” She whispered then looked up at him.

“You.”

Cole hated how that confession had his heart speeding up. He somehow developed feelings for her too, despite him trying not to, despite him reminding himself that Nya was Jay's.

“We can't-”

“Not right now, no. But once I break up with him, we could try, couldn't we?” Nya asked as she got up and walked over to where he was. “It'll hurt him but I know he will understand with time. I just… I can't keep lying to myself anymore.” She says, placing a hand on Cole's chest.

“Nya…” He whispered, wanting to walk away from this, to keep his best friend but the truth of his feelings kept him planted firmly in place.

“You feel it too, right Cole?” She whispered, leaning up.

Cole's head screamed stop her but his heart screamed don't. He didn't have a chance to choose a side. Nya chose for him. Her soft lips pressed against his and Cole was too weak. He kissed her back, his heart soaring.

I'm sorry Jay…

Funny how Jay always seem to be there to witness these things. He finally convinced himself to spend an entire day outside, only to come across this. He wasn't close enough to hear their discussion but at the mouth of the small jungle, he had a perfect window view. He looked away, walking further into the greenery, feeling even more hollow than ever, his eyes blurred with tears. So that's it. His time is up. They had each other now. There was no space for him. He stopped to look up at the evening sky. No use either.

He missed the bright flare of electricity in his chest but he didn't miss the exhaustion that washed over him. He stumbled, his vision blurring beyond his tears before the whole world tilted. He landed on the ground with a thud, his eyelids heavy.

What was…

_______________________

When Jay came to, birds were chirping overhead and he felt cold. He slowly pushed himself up, his arms trembling with the effort. What… What happened? Why did he feel so exhausted? He managed to get to his feet then looked around. Why was he outside again? He used the trees for support and made his way back towards the Monastery.

“There he is!” He looked up once he heard Cole's voice, seeing the others rushed over.

Cole? His heart throbbed painfully. Nya? Another painful throb. It all came back to him in a rush. That's right. He saw them kiss. Saw them cement him out of their love then passed out. A fresh wave of exhaustion hit him but he was determined not to show it.

“Where have you been?!”

“We were worried sick!”

“Are you alright?”

“What happened?”

“Did you get lost?” They all asked him suddenly and he gave his signature sheepish grin.

“Sorry for worrying you all. I took a walk last night and fell asleep in the woods.” He lied, and they groaned.

“We're just glad nothing bad has happened to you.” Wu says and Misako nodded.

“How about you get yourself cleaned up. It appears you may have rolled into a mud puddle in your sleep.” Garmadon says, gesturing to his gi that was completely muddy.

“Uh… Oopsie?”

__________

Jay came out of the shower fresh and clean but the shower couldn't wash away the exhaustion he felt. He was changing into comfortable clothes when he spotted something in the mirror, something over his chest. It… looked like a crack. It had a low glow too. That's… Strange. Before he could examine it further, there was a knock on the door. He pulled a t-shirt on, taking a look to see if it showed but nothing did. He then headed out and opened the door. He looked at an anxious Nya and knew immediately what was to come.

“Nya! Hey! Come on in.” He says with a smile as he stepped aside. “Sorry, I haven't had much time to clean up…” he says, looking at the clothes dumped all around his room.

“That's ok. I um… How are you feeling?” She asked, watching as he began to pick up his clothes.

“Pretty good actually.” Jay says, glancing back at her with a grin that fell the moment he looked away to pick up his dirty gi. “Who would have known sleeping in the woods would be so relaxing?” He says, keeping his voice cheery.

“Oh? Really?” Nya says and he nods, throwing the hand full of clothes in the basket, not caring that most of them were actually clean.

“Yeah. Sorry if I worried you though.” He says, turning to her with a sorry expression that was true.

She shouldn't have to worry for him. None of them did. He wanted them to be happy, even if that's without him. Even if he gets left behind...

“You’re ok, that's all that matters.” She says with a strained dig before she sighed. “I'm sorry but we need to talk Jay.” She says quietly and Jay blinked, acting surprised.

“What about?” He asked, looking at her curiously.

“Us…” Nya says, fiddling with her hands and Jay held his breath, waiting for the blow. “I… Maybe it's best we go our separate ways and… Break up.” She says, squeezing her eyes shut as she waited for his reaction.

She missed the flare of light in Jay's chest as the weight of her words hit him. He held his hand over his chest, his eyes having a faint glow in them as he struggled to not collapse with the wave of exhaustion that hit him. He felt… Weak.

“Oh…” He says quietly, not hiding his devastated expression and Nya looked up at him, expecting a much worse reaction.

“I'm sorry Jay. I love you, really I do… But I'm not in love with you.” She whispered, wanting to be thorough. “We can still be friends but we've drifted apart… I… I fell for someone else…” She says, glancing back at the door.

“Is it someone I know?” Jay whispered and Nay felt bad but she knew it was necessary.

“Yeah actually… Please don't hate him. It was sudden and I know he wouldn't if he had a choice.” She defended as Jay went over to sit on the bed, the threat of collapsing from the bone deep exhaustion too real.

Not to mention the jolts of pain with each pounding of his heart, right where he was sure he saw that odd looking crack on his chest.

“It's… Cole.” She whispered, expecting the worst.

“Oh…” Jay says again, surprising her yet again.

This was going nothing like she expected… It made her feel worse than she already is.

“Before you says anything.” Both of them turned to Cole who walked in.

“Cole! I told you to-”

“It's ok.” Jay says, cutting her off and they both looked at him surprised.

“Wait- what?” Cole says hesitantly, not sure he heard correctly.

“I said it's ok. I do love you Nya but Cole obviously makes you happier. I can't be mad. As long as you're happy. As long as you're both happy.” He spoke honestly with a sort of wistful-hurt expression on his face.

“Jay…” Nya whispered, taking a step closer.

“You're both happy, right?” Jay whispered, wanting them to be.

He may not have a chance but… But he wants them to be happy. It's eating him alive that he will never be with either of them but as long… Tears fell down his cheeks, despite how hard he tried to hold them back.

As long as they're happy…

“Jay…” Cole whispered, heart broken at his tears.

He was letting Nya go and he wasn't so sure he wanted to take her anymore. Not when it hurt his best friend this much. He thought he couldn't handle it. He expected yelling, name calling, malicious energy… Not… Not this self-sacrificing bullshit!

“You're happy, right?” Jay asked again, needed the confirmation, hoping it will be enough for him to let go.

Nya and Cole looked at each other.

“Yeah… We are.” Nya whispered and Jay nodded before smiling.

“Then… I wish you both the best.” He says, his voice breaking a bit but he still smiled.

Nya brushed her tears away, feeling guilt weigh her down. They had what they wanted. All but Jay. But she still loves Cole… It's… For the best.

“I… Thank you Jay.” Nya whispered then took Cole's hand in hers, giving it a squeeze.

Cole nodded, too choked up to speak but he did squeeze Nya's hand back.

“Don't worry about it.” He says, brushing his tears away. “I should ah. I should get my room cleaned up.” He says, gesturing to clothes in a corner.

“We'll- we'll leave you to it then.” Nya says then lead Cole out of the room by the hand, not even waiting until the door was fully closed before kissing him.

Jay clutched over his chest, a visible glow starting up. It hurt. It hurt so bad. But… They were happy… They were happy without him.

___________

A lot of things changed after that day. Nya and Cole informed the others of their relationship. They weren't very happy to hear about it, thinking of Jay but once they and Jay himself confirmed he was ok with it, they reluctantly eased up. Kai loved his sister. He really does. But that was a pretty suckish thing to do. While they were all best friends, they all had one friend they held at a slightly higher level than everyone else. Cole was it for Jay. The same was for Cole. Which was another reason they had a bad reaction at first. Cole was Jay's best friend. He knew more than everyone else how he felt about Nya… So why go falling for her?

By the advice of their Senseis, they respected their decision but the new relationship was a thing to adjust to. It threw off their dynamic a bit. Everyone else was more worried about Jay. Naturally, he wasn't seen as often but he looked pretty awful. They try to reach out to them but he kept them all at arm's length.

Jay did that so they didn't see him in this condition. He thought letting them be together, knowing they were happy would give him some relief from the breathtaking misery he felt but it only worsened everything. All he could think of was how he should have been satisfied with just Nya, that he should have gathered the courage to ask Cole out in training and be satisfied with just him. He was too greedy. This was just karma. He wanted both so now he had none. There was no need for him. There was never any need for him.

The spiral of thoughts evoked another wave of crippling exhaustion and searing pain from his chest. He breathed heavily, clutching his chest. That was another thing. He gingerly lifted his shirt, looking down at the widening hole in his chest. It went from a crack to a hole almost the size of his fist and it was widening. It was filled with his lightning, buzzing and crackling whenever it widened. It got so much worse overnight. He hid it from everyone. He didn't want them to worry about him. He didn't deserve their worry. He didn't deserve a lot of things. He coughed, his throat feeling as if it was about to close up, the pain in his chest intensifying.

He was dying. Whatever this hole is, whatever caused it, it was killing him. He knew it. He couldn't get up anymore. Just the action of lifting his shirt made him breathless. He was sleepy. Always so tired, always so sleepy. The storm outside pelting the Monastery was like a lullaby, luring him to sleep. He thought of his confession letter he wrote to Cole, and the apology letters he wrote to his parents and the others. They'd understand, right? He was replaceable. His powers would move onto someone stronger, someone more capable. Someone they could rely on. Someone who wasn't a coward.

He stared at the ceiling, knowing he wouldn't make it past today. Was he really going to let himself die because of a sick obsession? Over not getting what he wanted like a spoilt child? He gave a shaky huff. Being self aware sucks. He knew this wasn't something worth dying over deep inside. But he just didn't want keep going without them. Him being gone should help them not feel guilty even. He'd finally get to rest, not just sleep. Maybe death isn't so bad. He grunted as another flare of pain ripped through him, the hole widening. He felt it. Felt his own powers eating away at his life force. His eyelids drooped as a tear ran from the corner of his eye.

I'm sorry…

___________

“Where are you going?” Kai asked Zane who suddenly stood.

“To check on Jay. I have a bad feeling.” Zane says, walking still, not sure where this feeling came from but it was urging him to go.

“We'll come with you.” Lloyd says as he and Kai followed.

“Me too. I've been wanting to talk to him.” Cole says, going after them, climbing the stairs behind them.

“Not to be mean but I don't think Jay's feeling well enough-” Lloyd was cut off by a huge clap of thunder followed by a blinding flash of light.

“Watch out!” Kai yelled, yanking an overwhelmed Zane back out of the way of a door flying in his direction at the top of the stairs.

The door crashed into the wall then flopped down.

“What happened?” They looked down to see Wu, Garmadon and Misako there, looking up at them worried.

“That came from Jay's room.” Cole whispered and they all shared a horrified look before rushing up the stairs.

“Jay-!” Zane cut himself off with a gasp at what laid before him.

“What? What is it?!” Lloyd asked, trying to see past Zane, Cole and Kai who were blocking the doorway.

“What has happened?” Garmadon asked, pushing past them.

He gasped at the sight before him. Almost all of the roof and outer wall of the room was completely gone, leaving rain and wind to blow in at wind. But that wasn't what had him covering his mouth in shock. On the bed, Jay laid there, looking awfully pale but peacefully asleep. His chest revealed the truth of his 'sleep’ however. The front of his shirt was seated off completely, revealing the gaping hole in his chest that took up most of his chest. The inside was seared and black, revealing the slightly burnt sheets below.

A small, horrified gasp caught Garmadon's attention and he looked back to see Lloyd staring at his departed friend with horror.

“Misako. Take Lloyd downstairs.” He spoke, voice barely a whisper.

“Come with me Lloyd.” Misako says quietly, taking him by the shoulders then lead him back and away, Lloyd's eyes still staring into the room, at Jay where he laid still, even as tears poured down his face.

“I- I don't understand… How?” Wu whispered to his brother as they walked into the room, not caring that they were getting wet, looking at the young life lost.

“I heard a noi-” Nya cut herself odd once she arrived on scene, walking right into the room. “No…” She whispered, taking a step back.

“Nya.” Cole got out, his voice choked up.

She looked at him, breathing heavily from panic before her eyes rolled back. He moved quickly, catching her before she hit the ground.

“I… I do not understand…” Zane spoke quietly, unable to cry but very much able to feel the painfully hollow feeling of loss.

“How could this happen?! There was no warning or- or anything!” Kai yelled, unable to quiet accept or even understand that his teammate was…

Dead.

Garmadon looked to his brother as he placed a hand on Jay's hair, droplets that wasn't rain falling on his student's pale, wet face.

Today, they were reminded that life was a fickle thing. Here one day and gone the next.

_______________

It was almost a year after Jay's death before Cole finally had the courage to re-enter the room he found his best friend dead in. Sensei Wu had found his letters and had read the ones addressed to them. It pained them all that he had been suffering as long as he had but he was grateful for the knowledge he left behind. Elemental powers corresponds with its wielder's state of mind it seems. If the thoughts of the user is toxic, their powers will also become toxic.

Cole sat at the edge of the very same bed and looked at the letter addressed to him with a sigh.

“Are you finally going to open it?” He looked up to see Nya standing there, fiddling with her Yang pendant on her gi.

“Yeah.” Cole sighed, looking at Jay's messy scrawl of a hand writing on the envelope.

He then took a breath before opening it and pulling out the letter. Nya walked in and sat next to him, taking his hand in hers then gave it a squeeze. They shared a look before they turned to the letter.

‘Dear Cole and Nya

I figured you’d both end up reading this so I hope I’m right. I have to make this short or else I’d chicken out and never get to the point. The truth is, I thought I could be happy and ok if you were both happy together- and I was, don’t get me wrong. It’s just…

The truth is Nya, you weren’t the only one to fall for Cole. I’ve had a thing for him since training days and well, somewhere along the line, I fell in love with him. Don’t get me wrong, I loved you too. Like, love at first sight. I was selfish ‘till the end. I was always happy with you but I wanted Cole too. I was content with being with you and loving Cole from afar but then Pixal brought up the Perfect Match thing and I knew that would be it for us.

I knew when you asked Cole out, I knew you were flirting while fixing Sensei G’s wheel. I knew when you first kissed. Wrong time, wrong place I suppose. By then, I won’t lie, I became obsessed. I wanted it all. I wanted to be apart of you two, for us all to be together. But I knew it was all wishful thinking. I just tried to spend as much time as I could with you both before It was my time to step back and fade into the background. I didn’t get to but at least you guys are happy.

When you broke up with me, I spiraled. This thing in my chest is getting bigger the more miserable I feel. I wish I was stronger. I wish I was more confident to tell you I love you in person, Cole. Not in some stupid letter. It’s too late for me so don’t feel bad. I just want you two to do something for me though.

Be happy. Please.

Goodbye. I love you both.’

Both Nya and Cole were openly sobbing before they were even halfway through.

“That- that idiot! He should have told me! Told us! We could have worked something out!” Cole growled, hands shaking as he glared at the letter with tears streaming down his face.

“Did you… Did you love him back?” Nya asked with a sniffle.

Cole looked at his messy scrawl before nodding.

“But he had you. I thought I had no choice. I forced myself to move on…” Cole whispered to himself then hung his head. “If I knew…” He whispered, voice wavering as tears dripped off his nose.

“If we had known, things would have been different.” Nya says, placing a hand on his back. “But we didn’t know. There’s nothing we can do but honor his wishes.” She whispered and Cole knew she was right.

It didn’t mean it hurt any less.

“Don’t worry Jay. We’ll be happy, for you.” Cole whispered, looking at the paper once more before setting it aside, hugging Nya close. “We’ll be happy…”

____________________________________

(Edit: You know that huge lightning bolt that destroyed Jay's room? It was actually his powers leaving his body to find a new host. No-one really knows how the process works so the next lightning elemental will be struck by that big ass bolt of lightning. >:3

I almost made myself cry several times writing this but eyyy Jay angst! I wanna see if I can give Lloyd a break by traumatizing the other ninja but nope. Lloyd still got traumatized. I hope you guys like it!)

[chiseler]

ALL THE WORLD’S A NIGHT CLUB

Clocking in at 58 minutes, Night World (1932) may still hold the record for how much can be packed into an hour of celluloid. This compact tale of one night in the life of a Manhattan hot spot bursts like a Christmas cracker, spewing forth dizzy glamour, drunk humor, risqué antics, weighty melodrama, leg art, poignant tragedy, tap-dancing chorus girls, trigger-happy gangsters, adultery, tender budding love, and wisecracks zinging through the air in a free-for-all.  The pace is so accelerated, the shifts in tone so whiplashing, that it plays like one of those condensed-Shakespeare gags; yet, far from jarring, it all blends like a well-shaken cocktail. You’re not sure what you’re drinking, but it goes down easy.

An opening montage offers an apertif of bright lights, dark streets, flowing booze and floozies on the prowl; and a heavy dose of warning in a murder victim felled by a shot, a dirge-like Salvation Army parade, and a little boy saying his prayers—just to remind us that there is such a thing as innocence. Then we arrive at the entrance of Happy’s Club, a whirlpool of frivolous debauchery run by the affable yet sinister Boris Karloff, who calls everyone “big shot” and spends most of his time seething over his faithless, bitchy wife.

The irony of the club’s name is spelled out by Tim (Clarence Muse), the sage black doorman, who says that the nightly revelers are hungry, but not for food, “maybe they don’t know what for.” Inside, in the bright blur of liquor and women and jazz, they think they’re happy, but when they come out, it’s the same cold, sad world. “That’s real starving.” Despite the demeaning dialect (he says things like “I’se a philosophizer”), Tim is an example of the much greater depth and dignity allowed to racial and ethnic minorities in pre-Code Hollywood. They might be the butt of jokes, but they’re also real people; one thread running through the film is Tim’s anxiety over his wife, who is in the hospital. His continually frustrated efforts to find out how she is, and to get away to be with her, come as reminders of that cold, sad world beyond the nightclub.

It’s not a speakeasy (Happy “just serves white rock and ginger ale and hopes nobody dies on the premises”) but the guests bring plenty of their own ammunition. A fat drunk spends the whole movie looking for someone from Schenectady; a giggling, helium-voiced blonde drives her escort to despair; a flamboyant pansy responds to a chorus-girl’s come-on with a sniffy, “That’s Mister Baby to you.” The wised-up girls are always dishing out smart cracks, telling each other how they told him where to get off. George Raft at his most reptilian boasts about winning 11 G’s off “some ump-chays from Philadelphia.” A bootlegger stops in to warn Happy of the consequences of buying his stuff from the wrong supplier. Mrs. Happy slinks around dripping venom, ducking into closets to smooch the dance director.

At the center of the film is the morosely plastered Michael Rand (Lew Ayres), a poor little rich kid who sits alone, punishing himself with bad liquor because his mother shot his father in another woman’s apartment. He’s redeemed by a good angel, chorus girl Ruth Taylor (Mae Clarke), who takes him under her wing after Happy knocks him cold, a cure for his alcoholic jitters. She puts him to bed under a bear-skin rug, pockets his wallet so he won’t get rolled, reintroduces him to the concept of water (“Here, insult your stomach with this.”) Clarke, for once in a movie where no one drags her by the hair or slaps her with a citrus fruit, is lovely: both her beauty and her acting style have a natural, unaffected warmth that’s rare in an era of platinum hair and penciled-on eyebrows. Her goodness—not innocence—makes the dazzle of naughtiness look like cheap tinsel. She’s the glass of water you thirst for after a lot of lousy booze. She can hoof too—Clarke was dancing in nightclubs at age thirteen—and her figure in rehearsal shorts would wake any man out of a three-day drunk.

“You know, they can make it faster than you can drink it,” Ruth tells the sozzled Rand, who replies, “Yeah, but I bet I’ve got them working nights.” (A line recycled by Dan Duryea in The Great Flammarion.) Adorable, boyish and clean-cut, Lew Ayres makes a surprisingly effective, and affecting, drunk—looking forward to perhaps his best performance, as Hepburn’s wastrel brother in Holiday. Perhaps because he doesn’t overdo it: there’s a delicacy and restraint even as he is credibly woozy and sloshed. As Ned Seton, he’s the most appealing character in Holiday, with his bitter intelligence, sensitivity and mordant humor; but he’s also a man without a spine or a hope. When he tells Hepburn, as his unhappy sister, what it’s like to get drunk, she’s enticed by his account of the glow and hyper-clarity, the exciting game of navigating a world where every action is transformed into a challenge—but she’s disappointed and disgusted by his matter-of-fact admission of the final stage, when you pass out. It’s a weakness, a sloppy self-annihilation that she could never accept.

When you make your film debut kissing Garbo, it would seem there’s nowhere to go but down, and Ayres’s pretty face might have doomed him to cloying juvenile roles, but instead he had a few years of varied and surprisingly dark films, starting with the harrowing All Quiet on the Western Front (1930), which instilled the pacifism for which he would later be reviled. He played a ruthless Walter Winchell-like columnist battling racketeers in Okay, America (1932); a cad who knocks up the family maid in Common Clay (1930); even an unlikely gang boss in Doorway to Hell (1930). In Night World, Ayres has two scenes that stand out as unassimilated lumps of Drama: first his encounter with his late father’s mistress, who offers a persuasive defense of adultery, and then his meeting with his mother (a mink-swathed Hedda Hopper). This latter scene is over-written and out of step with the rest of the movie, but also shocking: you don’t expect in such an otherwise lightweight film to see a young man bitterly disown his neglectful mother, and the mother admit she never loved or wanted her son. Hopper’s hard, self-satisfied face is chilling; so much for Mom and apple pie.

The developing romance between Ruth and Michael, by contrast, doesn’t feel rushed or contrived. So much has happened so fast in the film that by the time he asks her to marry him and sail for Bali the next day, it doesn’t seem like an unrealistically hasty move. In its last five minutes Night World kicks into an even higher gear: after one stabbing moment as Tim learns that his wife has died, gangsters burst in with guns blazing, and the new couple’s first kiss looks likely to be their last as they cower before a twitchy, psychotic Jack La Rue. When their lives are saved by the timely entrance of an Irish cop, they and the movie walk over the bodies of the dead for a last few giddy jokes as they set out for their new lives—in a paddywagon.

Just another night on East 53rd Street.

by Imogen Sara Smith

[madamrogersstorytelling]

Day 5: Three favourite movies/series

This is quite easy, actually. For change. After suffering for two days with extremely hard topics, I’m very happy about this. I had my answers ready already. 

I haven’t seen all his works yet. I’m kinda new to his filmography anyway, but I’m going to watch everything (I tend to do that with all my favorite actors). So this list may change some time later, but let’s not care about that yet, let’s focus on his works I actually have seen. 

1. Jackie & Ryan (2014)

Directed by Ami Canaan Mann

Starring Katherine Heigl, Ben Barnes, Clea DuVall, Emily Alyn Lind

“A modern day train hopper fighting to become a successful musician, and a single mom battling to maintain custody of her daughter, defy their circumstances by coming together in a relationship that may change each others lives forever.” 

I’ve said it a few times now, but Ryan has a special place in my heart. I said in my post ‘Madamrogers Storytelling’ that I had this one moment I realized many things; that moment was after seeing this movie. It was a little over a month ago. 

Ryan made me realize that if there is a thing I want to do, something I want to accomplish, something I hold dear... I should not get stuck. I have to go towards it, no matter what. I think I somehow can identify with Ryan; I don’t write songs or play music, I write stories. There is still the same agony, the same will to succeed and being able to do what you love. And I’d love to have that same kind of courage as Ryan has, that same way of approaching life. 

There are two moments that make me cry. They always make me cry; I’ve watched the movie like five times now and those moments still make me cry. They’re both because of Ryan’s words. In the first one he says to Jackie: “He is not going to take Lia from you. Because you won’t let him.” He sounds so sure, so strong and reassuring that I take it. Something happens inside me. The other moment is when Ryan says: “I always ask myself where am I gonna go next, how am I gonna get there.” I’ve taken that. I ask myself that quite often now. And it helps. I can tell you, it truly helps.

I love Ben in this film. Ryan is so kind, a bit shy, helpful, strong and inspiring character, and Ben’s way of portraying him goes right into my heart. I realized his talent during this film. He tells so much without even saying a single word. I can feel all the emotions he’s showing. And don’t even get me started with his singing voice! I’ve always loved men who sing and play an instrument, especially a guitar. There is something about the way a guitar changes a person; they may be this nice person without it, but when they take a guitar, they change completely. They become deeper, more tender, there is something extremely beautiful in them, more than before. I love all the songs in this film, but Southbound. I fell in love with it during the first note and never stopped falling.

I cannot say that I’m a friend of romantic movies. Especially romcoms make me feel quite bad because they often show love and life so wrongly, like both of them were full of roses and laughter all the time. I’m a bit cynical, to be honest. The reason may be that I’ve never actually been in love. I like honest, meaningful movies that have no fear of showing life and love the way they really are. I have nothing against romance in movies, don’t get me wrong. I just want it to be realistic. And in Jackie & Ryan, this ugly and cruel side of life is shown. Not exactly so clearly, but it’s still there under all those layers. You can see it. I like it how friendly and kind this movie is at the same time as it’s honest and shows you that if something bad happens, often something good comes after it. It’s like when winter dies and spring begins. People’s choices matter. This movie is not just a romantic movie. This is, like Ben said in an interview, a movie about people. I’ve seen that people don’t like it because nothing happens in it. In my opinion, quite a lot happens. This is one of my Go To movies and I’m happy that I found it. It always makes me feel better. I believe in myself. Would probably need someone like Ryan in my life, someone so inspiring and someone who isn’t afraid of telling me the truth. But, for now, this movie’s Ryan will do.

2. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (2010)

Directed by Michael Apted

Starring Georgie Henley, Skandar Keynes, Ben Barnes, Will Poulter

“Lucy and Edmund Pevensie return to Narnia with their cousin Eustace where they meet up with Prince Caspian for a trip across the sea aboard the royal ship The Dawn Treader. Along the way they encounter dragons, dwarves, merfolk, and a band of lost warriors before reaching the edge of the world.”

I’m actually glad that I watched Narnia films as an adult. I knew what Narnia was as a child, I probably got to know it around the same time as Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings but never really watched the movies or read the books. I remember getting this book with a movie cover from a book club. I forced my mom to let me keep it, and gladly I succeeded because I found the book a few weeks ago and it made me so happy. There were happy tears involved. That was the moment I remembered I had wanted to see the film. I also remembered looking at Caspian when I was just a girl and thinking ‘there is something in that one’. Never saw the film, sadly. 

But a while ago I sat down and watched these movies (with my mom, actually) and I just fell in love. Especially with this third one. Why am I glad that I watched these films as an adult and not as a child? Mostly because nostalgia hurts me instead of actually making me happy. I remember how much better life was back then. (It hurts to look at Ron Weasley sometimes... He was my first fictional crush.) And because now I have a place I can go, the place I got to know as the person I am now. I have Hogwarts, Middle-earth and all the other worlds I’m not letting go of, but this feeling that there is a place for me. It’s funny, really. The ending song of this movie is just so beautiful. There is a place for us. This movie reminds me of that; there is a place for me. I just haven’t found it yet. 

I also love Caspian’s character. I find similarities with myself. Funny enough, my mom even calls me Caspian sometimes (that’s because I have similar hair as he had in Prince Caspian, but mom said once that we’re quite similar in a way). He seems like someone who could make you feel better in mere seconds. The way he speaks, the way he is, and also his hugs must be the best ones in all Narnia. I could go for one of those right now. He is exactly like a person I’d respect. And I respect him, even when he’s just fictional. But he’s a King anyway. And Ben as Caspian, so beautiful. I could say the same things as I did when talking about Ryan, but he has so many emotions in his eyes and body. The way he holds his hand could tell more than a sentence. 

We’ve had this common joke “let’s go to Narnia” with my mom long before we even saw the films. But now, after watching them, the joke is even more common. It’s not even a joke anymore. And I know that till the end of my days, these movies and Caspian will remind me of my mom. 

3. The Punisher (2017)

Marvel

Created by Steve Lightfoot

Starring Jon Bernthal, Amber Rose Revah, Ebon Moss-Bachrach, Ben Barnes

“After the murder of his family, Marine veteran Frank Castle became a vigilante known as "The Punisher" with only one goal in mind, to avenge them.”

I suck at watching Marvel’s tv series. I’ve seen almost all the movies of MCU and the new X-Men films and Deadpool, but these tv series I’ve pretty much neglected. I tried to watch Daredevil back in the day but didn’t continue. Then, through my dear friend @accio-rogers, I found out about this show and that Ben Barnes is starring in it as a man called Billy Russo (I had no idea who Billy even was). I went to check the series from IMDb and saw that the main role was played by Jon Bernthal, who I had seen before in The Walking Dead. This started to feel like a safe choice, and during the same day I started to watch it. I was also having an awful summer flu back then, so what else could I have done than watch Netflix? Nothing. Didn’t have energy for anything else. 

Turned out that this choice affected on me more than I could’ve expected. 

This was the series which made me fall in love with Ben Barnes.

I probably have said this before, but instead of hating him, I love Billy Russo. I find him interesting. He is psychological, he has an interesting backstory. And I’ve always been interested in psychology, so I love this kind of characters. I don’t love everything he does or all his choices, no. No, no. I think he really is a bad man, but in this very interesting, captivating way. I’m unable to hate him. I understand why people hate him or refuse to write soft and sweet things about him. But still, in my deepest thoughts, hopes and fantasies (that came out wrong) - and probably headcanons - I can see that Billy really has a softer side. He is a psychopath, but maybe there is a side of him that is a bit softer? Maybe all of this is just his way of protecting himself? We know he had a tragic childhood. There must be tons and tons of armor on him, he has made stone walls around himself. Maybe there is someone else under those. No one, not even him anymore, can break those walls and armors. I’m more than willing to accept the fact that he is just a psychopath, as well. It makes him interesting. 

There is something about Ben playing the bad guy. He is so bad, but you cannot hate him. Billy is the perfect example. He is almost like a perfect villain. And the way Ben portrays him is magnificent: so much emotions in a blink of an eye. He’s phenomenal, a masterpiece. Billy Russo is my favorite antagonist of all time; he has this certain energy that makes him a bit frightening but likeable at the same time. He is well written. Full of layers and psychology. I cannot wait to see where Billy’s (or should we call him Jigsaw now?) story goes in season 2.

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If I could’ve list four, Westworld would’ve been the fourth. I spent quite some time finding out do I actually love or hate Logan; decided eventually that I love him, that hottie-naughty cowboy. And I’m only in season 1! Yikes. 

Happy Ben Barnes week!

@benbarnesweek