#Sam never had any chance for autonomy

[lovealwayssay]

Lucifer grooming Sam his entire life makes me want to scream.

[kismetconstellations]

☆.☆.☆

[opheliasam]

The thing is that the ways in which dean and sam need each other are both compatible and parallel in their nature.

Dean needs sam to stay with him (let him take care of him look after him and be with him) and sam despite all his need for autonomy and freedom which he does desire of course (he needs dean to respect his choices and see him) also needs dean to need him—choose him. It’s always been that way—something we see from the very pilot itself. He goes with dean in the pilot after dean admits that he doesn’t want to do it without sam even if he is capable for it.

It affects sam profoundly when dean gets close to other people—especially men because it threatens the idea that dean could need people other than him (even the mere desire to want for others apart from him is distasteful even if he doesn’t want it to be—he just can’t help it, it’s the way they are.) Of course dean has never needed for anything more than sam, that sam and just sam has always been more than enough but sam needs that from him, constantly and actively.

In Sacrifice (8x23), when he reveals that the fact that dean chose to turn to people (an angel, a vampire) apart from him was unbearable to him was just so.. much. And it’s interesting because we know that sam too is friends with cas, has never been shown to consider him a rival in any sense (but just the mere possibility of sam and just sam not being enough for dean is devastating for him.) He doesn’t harbour any resentment or competition towards cas, it’s just that he needs to be the choice over everything else from dean. He needs it because he chose that too, even when he had a chance to get out—multiple times over. And yes, the circumstances shaping his choices are often not ideal, are sometimes not even entirely choices but he always stays because of the knowledge that dean will always choose him.

The conflict then is often caused by doubt—dean, deeply insecure about sam’s loyalty. For him, it’s a given—that sam will always be first, has always and forever been above everything else but he expects sam to know it too. Despite everything he puts on him and says to him, despite the fights and the anger and the mistrust. None of that will ever change this one fundamental thing.

But Sam doesn’t (!!) Maybe at one time he did, before the demon blood and the soullessness and the countless countless ways he thinks he fucked up but somewhere along the line it became clear to Sam that he could not trust it to always be Dean’s first choice, can’t know it for sure.

Doubt again, Sam—unable to know if Dean will always choose him over all else and Dean unable to verbalise that enough because of said insecurity (the fear that he needs sam more than sam needs him) and unable to understand why Sam would feel this way because he expects him to already know that Sam will always be above all else, at the end of the day despite whatever happens because that is who Dean is.

[kwop-kilawtley]

Bella’s depression months/suicidal tendencies/ hallucinations in New Moon are not “romantic,” sorry. It’s just horrible how traumatized she is. Imagine being a 17 y/o girl who never dated anyone and the first person you date is a mythical creature who essentially is the idea of perfection. It knocks down your self esteem even more, makes you feel embarrassed for not being enough and then after you almost died at the hands of others of his kind, he leaves. Leaves you for dead.

How is it romantic that she now sees no worth in her own humanity? That she deems life useless without him. Then Jacob comes along and makes her see life can be good again. She falls in love with Jacob naturally and effortlessly. If Edward and Bella were truly “fated” and “meant to be,” Bella wouldn’t be so in love with Jacob the way that she is. Jacob is the only person who truly understands her and he would do anything for her. He would protect her and keep her alive.

Bella choosing Edward is literally suicide and allows her to be stunted, to not fix her self esteem issues. Yet this is supposed to be romantic somehow?? The text literally leads you to believe that Bella will grow and get out of her depression with the help of Jacob. And he totally could have because she could’ve been open about the vampire secret since he knew about them too. It only makes sense in my mind she chose him. She actually has fun with him, he understands her personality better than Edward, understands her mind better than Edward. Their love is so intense that she even says she may have actually chosen Jacob if she hadn’t known what losing Edward felt like. She was so deeply traumatized by him leaving she couldn’t even bear the thought of having to heal. But she almost did. She could have.

The fact Bella cannot let Jacob go all throughout Eclipse even after Edward comes back is proof that she’s not fated to be with Edward. Literally no matter how many times I read these books I will never see it that way even though her narrative wants you to believe that in the end. Like sorry but having cutesy quotes and ogling over his physical perfection every second without there really being true reason behind it, just doesn’t hit for me. They were together for mere months and she’s already talking about “I want to be with you forever.” Like yeah that was me in high school too with the first person who ever gave me attention. I didn’t know any better tho. Now pair that with someone who literally hypnotizes humans lol.. yeah she didn’t stand a chance. Yet her lack of autonomy is romantic? Gross. She even says “it’s like Sam & Emily, I never had a choice.” How does anyone find this romantic LMAO.

If Bella had no feelings for Jacob and he had no good aspects of him and he wasn’t trying to keep Bella alive the whole goddamn time then no one would be for Jacob. But she literally is in love with him, it’s just not “magical” bullshit love. Which doesn’t even make sense for her btw. She doesn’t have any development whatsoever. Vampirism is just her bandaid and Jacob and the entire wolfpack are done dirty.

She tries to die and hear voices of her ex who abandoned her yet that’s romantic lmfao. New moon is legit based off of Romeo & Juliet, a tragedy where they both die. Bella & Edward simply shouldn’t have had a happy ending. Naturally it doesn’t make sense that they do, which is why breaking dawn is such a shit show. Because their relationship just doesn’t make sense and only harms them and everyone around them.

& before anyones like “it’s just a fantasy stop analyzing it wahh” no <3 these books shaped my way of viewing relationships as a teenager and it should be talked about how harmful some of the messages in the series are.

[nobodymitskigabriel]

It's like so many of Jack's decisions are colored by naivete or shame. And yes those things are very core to his character but I also feel like the writers were afraid to give him too much unadulterated autonomy because they didn't want to make it seem like Jack would consciously make any sort of "evil" decision.

Like yes killed someone but it was just a freak accident! He trusted Lucifer but he just didn't know any better! He killed Mary but he didn't mean to!! He was feeling overwhelmed and got away from himself :(. He went on a killing spree but he didn't have a soul and was being manipulated by Duma </3.

Even more personal decisions like "choosing" to give up his soul to kill Michael are muddled by the fact that his family was literally up against the wall and he had never been learned to value himself to the point where he'd even consider preserving his soul above his family lives. And "choosing" to become a bomb to kill Chuck because....hello? He was literally so overwhelmed with shame that he'd march himself to slaughter to earn Dean's forgiveness.

I really feel like Jack's character would have benefited a lot from more autonomy bc jfc the cambian Jesse Turner had more autonomy than Jack.

Let's take Sam who was pretty strongly paralleled with Jack in a lot of respects. Yes Sam dealt with manipulation and shame as well BUT in s4 Sam made active decisions like continuing to trust Ruby, use his powers, and drink demon blood. Things that Chuck explicitly said would make him seem "unsympathetic" to the audience. During the whole demon blood arc there were times when the audience wasn't even sure who was telling the truth or who's was in the right. Maybe Ruby is good. Or maybe Sam IS actually going down the dark path.

We as the audience realize that there was a chance Sam never came down from that high. If things were different maybe he could have gotten drafted for Azazel's evil army or Lucifer’s enthusiastic vessel and that's what makes his decision to finally counter "his nature" so powerful. Even after he freed Lucifer, Sam felt ashamed but he still advocated for himself and his decision to jump into the Cage to trap Lucifer again was not colored by a need to have Dean forgive him.

I think this is partly where all the incessantly babying of Jack comes from. Instead of getting to see him deal with any real moral crossroads and come to a decision, he's bombarded by outside forces and "acts out" to the point where his arc is more comparable to an orca than a person.

[hood-ex]

so ive only watched a few spn episodes ever, and your tags whenever you talk about any batfam member and comparing it to them makes me curious about your full thoughts regarding them, as in: who do you think dick is more like between dean and sam?

Dick shares qualities and experiences with both brothers, but I personally think he's more like Sam than he is like Dean.

I think when Dick was younger, he more closely resembled Dean in the sense that he started fighting young as Robin, and he wanted to be Robin. Likewise, Dean was brought into the hunter fold (or the knowledge of it) earlier on in life, and he enjoyed hunting, unlike Sam.

Dick and Dean also had a more similar relationship with their fathers. Bruce had high expectations for Dick to be Robin while John had high expectations for Dean to protect and provide for Sam. Essentially, if Bruce and John told their sons to jump, Dick and Dean would be the ones asking, "How high?"

Despite that, I think Dick and Sam are more similar for the following reasons:

Dick and Sam are more independent. Dick left Robin behind as well as his place at Bruce's side so he could become his own man and hero. Sam left a life of hunting behind to go to college and to live a normal life. Sam was also left by himself a lot when John and Dean went hunting, leaving him to fend for himself many times.

Dick went to law school and apparently has a law degree. Sam went to Stanford and intended to go to law school until he got dragged back into the hunting business. Speaking of school, Dick and Sam were more academically studious than Dean.

Dick and Sam are both good at leading teams. Dick has led multiple teams, and Sam led a group of hunters to take down the British Men of Letters as well as led members from the apocalypse world.

Dick and Sam both have a repeated history of loss of autonomy. Both are possessed or taken control of quite a few times.

Dick and Sam are generally more health conscious and aren't as gluttonous as Dean.

Dick and Sam are more empathetic/compassionate. Dick is willing to extend a hand to others even when they stumble on their path. Sam's empathy deals more with morality and how he realizes that not all monsters are inherently bad and that they don't all deserve to die. Sam can also be a lot more gentle and understanding when dealing with monsters or victims (hence why Dean once remarked that Sam was always saying "pansy" stuff to people).

Sam would absolutely murder Joker if given the chance since he HATES clowns and fears them. Dick and Sam have clown killing solidarity.

Dick and Sam's guilt has pushed them to extremes on a few occasions. For example, Dick and the Blockbuster situation. Dick tried to convict himself to prison over it. According to Bruce, he had also been showing suicidal tendencies during that period. Sam is similar in that he saw his imprisonment in hell for 100+ years as atonement for his sin (aka getting tricked into freeing Lucifer from his cage which then started the apocalypse). He also was going to let himself die after doing a series of trials because he no longer valued his life after viewing himself as a screw-up/unworthy.

When they take parental roles, Dick and Sam are more patient and understanding with their kids. Dick with Damian and Sam with Jack (Jack is a nephilim who becomes Castiel, Sam, and Dean's kid). Now Dean is actually great with kids (no surprise since he's got a baby brother) but he's horrible to Jack. I actually don't even like to think of him as one of Jack's parents because he never really trusted Jack and wanted him dead multiple times. (SPN characterization was not always... the best... in those later seasons alksda.) And listen, sometimes Dick did lose his patience with Damian, but he was never horrible to him the way Dean was with Jack.

There are also ways Dick, Sam, and Dean are all similar such as how they're all clever and inventive. Dick's a detective and uses his skills to solve problems. He also builds gadgets or inventions to assist him in his cases.

Hunting monsters also involves some form of detective work, but Sam is smart in other ways such as figuring out how to do a reverse exorcism on the spot. In season 11 when Sam got infected by a rabid virus and was trying to find a cure, he lured a rabid man to him with a video and then zapped him with a taser he built with materials from a hardware store.

Sam will be referred to as the brains of the operation, but Dean is smart as well, and Sam even says so in canon. Dean's good at lore and at figuring things out on a hunt. Plus, he's an amazing mechanic and knows how to work a car, which is something that he shares in common with Dick. Sam is less so involved with the mechanics of the car, but Dean taught him more about it before he was dragged to hell.

All three of them are also intimate with sacrifice. In general, they give up so much of their own lives to help others. In specific, Dick sacrificed everything to infiltrate Spyral. Sam sacrificed himself to lock Lucifer away in hell. Dean sacrificed the rest of his life to bring Sam back to life. And those are only a few examples. They sacrifice so much more.

[queermania]

I think you don't really understand what it's like to be an adult that grew up with your bodily autonomy repeatedly violated and in a situation of extreme psychological abuse. Those types of things warp your experiences when you're an adult. Sam had his autonomy violated as an infant and it colors everything that happens to him after. He spends the rest of his life trying to regain his autonomy and it's understandable that there are times he would want to give-up because that's how that kind of abuse warps your brain. He should be able to be open about that without having his autonomy taken away.

1. you are making assumptions about my life and my experiences simply because i have not come to the same conclusion about something as you have. but you have no idea what experiences have shaped the way i approach this issue. and frankly, it's a little insulting that you think you do.

2. your experiences and your feelings about those experiences do not change what is actually happening to you. they influence how you react to what is happening to you. the fact that sam had his autonomy violated at any given point in time does not mean that it's happening again every single time something bad happens to him.

3. there's this concerning view that a lot of sam stans seem to have that because sam was a victim when he was a baby, he is now and forevermore a victim in perpetuity. he has no personhood and it's not possible for him to ever have any agency. he is tainted and he's going to spend the rest of his life repenting for something that happened to him. and you know, i kind of get it, because that is clearly how sam feels about the situation. but that doesn't make it the truth.

and if that's something you relate to, that's great! it's wonderful to find characters and stories that we see pieces of ourselves in. but i hope one day you're in a safe enough place, both mentally and materially, that you are able to accept that a.) you don't need to repent for the things that were done to you b.) no matter what's been done to you (or even what you've done), you are still a person deserving of all the love and respect that everyone else is and c.) your past traumas do not absolve you from your current and/or future choices.

4. it sounds like you're implying that sam should be able to follow through on suicidal thoughts and it's a violation of his autonomy that other people (usually dean) prevent that. this is a very complex issue in the real world where a lot of people feel like they can't be open about their struggles for fear of being locked up (in places that absolutely do violate your autonomy) and i sympathize with that. but we're talking about a fantasy show where sam's suicidal ideations were the effects of what was more or less a supernatural curse.

and even if that wasn't true, i still don't think letting someone die because they think it's the only way they can ever make up for the things that have happened to them (or even the things they've done) is... okay? people deserve the chance to get better, even when that seems like an impossibility, and not letting someone take that chance away from themselves is not a bad thing.

now, if you want to talk about the state of mental health care in the world, let's talk about that. but you're never going to convince me that letting someone give in to their most self-destructive impulses is how you respect their agency.

5. i just want to reiterate that nobody is saying that sam's autonomy isn't violated at various points throughout the show. the argument was that it's not violated any more than any of the other main characters, despite the fandom treating it as a sam-specific issue. that's literally it.

[dyed-red]

I had a wonderful ask for you, and then I got distracted and forgot it, so I'm going with this one instead. Do you have any thoughts on disordered eating for both the boys? It is definitely shown that Sam has food issues ("Sammy is a chubby 12 year old" and "Organic") and does the whole stress-forgetting-to-eat thing. Food also plays into his body autonomy issues. I think Dean also has issues around food/eating. His just aren't shown as obviously as Sam's, but also are a manifest of his issues.

thank you for sending the ask :) feel free to send the other one if you ever remember it!

under a cut

Sam

i think sam's disordered eating is pretty textual, like you said, and i explored some of my headcanons for it in like a ghost with two voices, but that fic is... A Lot, and it's probably neater to explain them in one place. in brief though, some thoughts.

he grew up eating anything and everything and was not picky, and we know he liked monstrosities like marshmallow nachos

like many kids he put on weight before growth spurts which is where that chubby 12 year old line comes from (mostly him being acerbic about the nickname sammy, tbh) but for the most part he was always pretty lean

he learned about nutrition and the food pyramind in school and sought out more vegetables as a preteen and teen

he felt really self-conscious / embarrassed as a kid at another family's house for dinner when he asked what asparagus (or some other vegetable that wasn't broccoli or carrots) was and they were like ???? it's asparagus??? have you never seen asparagus?? and since then tried to eat a wider variety of foods so as never to embarrass himself over food again like that

he didn't actually have an Issue or a pickiness for food though until after being possessed by meg, after which he found himself feeling more easily put off by meals (like the one not that long later in Folsom Prison Blues)

he started to develop Actual Issues after ahbl when azazel showed him he put demon blood in him as a baby, but didn't directly identify that the unclean feeling was the source of his food issues until much much later in life

he rationalizes his turn toward healthier foods in the year that follows on being a byproduct of needing to stay healthy and strong for the job (he's already died once! not to mention what happened to Dean in Faith. it's important to care about their heart health!) and to keep himself focused and sharp if he's going to save dean

drinking demon blood does Not help his issues, neither does the way it changes him nor the detox/purge of that. what he puts and doesn't put in his body takes on explicit purity leanings around/after this point directly as a result

these issues don't have a chance to go anywhere really as the apocalypse is looming except for him to be eating salads and exercising and then he's soulless for a year and a half, and soulless doesn't really question his own desire(?) to exercise and eat well. he likes keeping his body in peak condition and likes the rewards he gets for doing so

obviously cage trauma fucks with sam's eating and this is where he starts to spurn meat more often because of the smell and texture and how it turns his stomach

these issues persist even after cas takes the cage trauma down to a notch where sam can compartmentalize it, and it would be here that he sort of has space to maybe start acknowledging that he is Different about food but the leviathan really are offering the perfect excuse for him to go all in on clean living and he's able to rationalize and justify his food issues to kingdom come, and he's good with that

amelia and whatever the hell is going on there (fuzzy fake memories) is more of the same

the trials are purifying him, don't you know? real talk, sam probably drinks holy water each day during this period and hides that from dean. he's got to keep his strength up but also he's coughing up blood and starts to look seriously anemic but everything is fine he's fine these trials are purifying him it's fine. he's probably not eating much except when dean makes him. he doesn't see this as an issue except that he needs to keep his strength up for the trials. part of him might prefer it this way. he doesn't want to examine that.

gadreel does not help.

sam started to eat a bit more during that period and felt good and things felt good and then he started losing time and the anxiety killed his appetite and he just had to push himself harder but what if this is just who he is now and he really really needs to look after his health if he's only this old and already has memory issues and he needs to eat healthy and -

gadreel and crowley together Does Not Help.

neither does antonia bevell.

although tbh by that point his food issues are pretty much fixed, not really in flux. they're issues, he knows they're issues, he eats healthy and he's got some idea where this shit comes from and he's got it mostly under wraps, even if it sneaks up on him sometimes and is something he has to work with. dean doesn't always get it and sometimes is insensitive af about it (the bacon incident) but for the most part lets it be so long as sam doesn't lose too much weight.

and so on.

Dean

dean's food issues are somewhat opposite to sam's, and i'll admit i have a lot less to say about them.

like sam, he did not grow up a picky eater. he was probably more conscious/aware of their food insecurity and at points was in charge of feeding sam, so took more responsibility to ensure food wasn't wasted

in part for that reason, he hates food waste as an adult, and will eat food even as it's edging toward probably not safe anymore (we see this in a few episodes actually) and won't turn his nose up at anything, and will finish food that sam doesn't eat almost out of habit

dean's had food poisoning a number of times, but that also means he's developed an iron stomach over time and now he can eat sort of anything and if it's not straight up moudly, he'll probably get no more than a stomach ache for a few hours or feel queasy and gassy the next day

dean also loves free food for the aforementioned reasons. it does not head off his tendency to get food poisoning, but again, that mitigates over time

dean prefers calorically dense food like proteins and carbs because it's less expensive and keeps him going longer. he doesn't hate vegetables but his somewhat arrested development in his teen and early adult years means he never really developed from child tastebud preferences to a more adult palette, at least not until much later, although he had no issue acquiring the taste for beer and whiskey. he seems to prefer sweet and despise bitter though, and i think it's a learned preference more than anything

learned preference by way of that same food insecurity in childhood and his body picking out the calorie rich foods and that never really going away? but protein matters a lot too -- notice that he likes peanut m&ms more than the regular ones, and likes jerky and slim jims and that sort of thing.

to bring this back to disordered eating, it's not really a problem except that he struggles to eat and enjoy healthier foods because he can't really acquire a taste for them and he struggles to pass up food when it's available, even though he can and does go without food on hunts and stretches when the situation calls for it

idk we could make some painful and vile headcanons here about dean in hell, much like with sam in the cage, but if alastair cut off piece of dean and fed them to him, it doesn't seem to have dampened dean's zest for meat or food, so might not have been an especially effective torture on dean

mostly -- dean's got issues, some of them are related to food, but mostly his issues manifest outside of the eating sphere. eating is pleasurable to him (sweet, tasty, beer and pie, hedonism, etc) but also important (protein, energy, strength, etc) and wires can get crossed there sometimes and he can and does give himself a stomach ache at big meals and food poisoning on occasion from not letting things go to waste, but he mostly manages this aspect of his life pretty well, especially considering his experiences

[oldlovecassette]

A flurry of notes after finally finishing the first season of supernatural last night

>Cinematography goes hard like so hard I love it. Wild how your average movie or TV show shot 20 years ago just looks better by virtue of being on film. The colour grading is crisp and atmospheric and the shot composition especially during some key moments had me holding my breath

>I am a very shallow person bc I think 40 percent of my attention span while watching was occupied by the mid-2000s attire and styling choices. The makeup on one of the girls in an episode made me go out and buy a frosted eyeshadow palette

>I specifically enjoyed the episodes where they fully leaned into and had fleshed-out ideas for how the supernatural elements were manifestations of human evil, presented in compelling narratives. The episodes I enjoyed where they did this the best were: Dead in the water, Faith, Route 666, Nightmare (Bugs was also good specifically the diner scene)

>Other episodes I liked that didn’t approach the narrative like this but were still good Bloody Mary, Skin, Home and the two-parter finale

>Dean and Sam are really something & they make me pretty sad and melancholy tbh. You can feel the emptiness the grief the sense that they know they’ve never been normal and never will be. I was surprised and pleased that by the end Dean was actually taking Sam’s side in trying to assert their autonomy to their father, though I felt like their decision-making was all over the map as far as how it aligned w their main character motivations? Idk if that’s me not understanding fully what makes their characters tick or just the writers having fun every week

>Jess was. not a character at all. They gave her nothing to do before killing her. Like I’ve never actually watched a TV show that’s done the classic ‘fridging women’ thing before bc this felt so beyond the pale. I’m used to Jane from breaking bad getting a season-long arc, dying tragically and actually feeling the loss of a character who’s a woman. Just ‘funny’ I guess

>Hate that Meg died. No one left to serve cunt ugh!!!!

>John probably isnt gonna be nominated for any Father of the Year awards but he does seem like he’s bursting at the seams with love for and devotion to the family he has left even while he lives a life controlled by fear and death and violence. It’s compelling and it makes me want to keep watching to understand what kind of a man and a father he really is

>Dean’s fucked. he’s just completely doomed by God and I feel bad for him but he’s also so goofy so I like to laugh at him

>Sam is my favourite so far. Boys With Visions <3

>Honestly just so much fun! I think it hits all the marks for what it’s supposed to be and for what I want sometimes in a TV show, which is the chance to turn off my brain and open up my heart

[italwayshadtobeyou]

Edlund vs. Edlund, I guess? It's no surprise that I think "The End" is the best episode of the season, and of Ben Edlund's writing oeuvre. I do, however, generally like "Abandon All Hope." It serves as an effective and hilarious introduction to Crowley's personality, Jo and Ellen meet a fitting end, and Sam gets read by the devil.

Jo's last scenes reinforce my wish that she'd interacted more with Sam instead of with Dean, because, like Sam, she craves autonomy more than affection. "Mom, this might literally be your last chance to treat me like an adult. You might want to take it" makes for a powerful moment. It would've been even better if the show had leaned into the obvious parallel: "Swan Song" kicks off with Dean recognizing Sam as "a grown-- hell, overgrown man."

It bugs me a little bit that we never hear any more about the hellhounds. Exploding rock salt with iron nails mixed in should hurt them, but it shouldn't kill them. I guess that, if I squint, it's plausible that Lucifer called them off, since he still wants Sam alive at this point.

Supernatural Battle of the Episodes!!

The End took down The Real Ghostbusters with very little effort! I think we may have a troll or two who always votes for the weakest episode🤨 it's all for fun though so carry on! 😁

Let's see who's next up!

[fandom-space-princess]

Point of View

--- POV: your name is Isaac. Right now, the sum total of your existence is this: a sunburned neck from days spent climbing the mountain. Splinters, one in your shoulder and several in your arms, from carrying wood. A sore back. You built that wood into a pyre, side by side with your father, expecting a lamb to appear.

POV: your name is Claire Novak. Right now, the sum total of your existence is this: a bruise on your cheek, where the thing that wasn’t your mother hit you. Arms sore from being held, then tied. The father-shaped space that has been vacant for one-twelfth of your life has suddenly been filled again, but the man who filled it is bleeding out at your feet, and he is begging something that might be (but probably isn’t) the God you learned about in Sunday school to appear and save him, save you all.

POV: your name is not yet—but will one day be—Lucifer. As you are torn from the only home you have ever known at the behest of your Father, you begin to realize that you never had choice, not in the way you imagined you did. These are the things you thought you were building: a relationship, family, trust. These are the things He was building: a narrative.

POV: your name is Sam Winchester. You are twenty-five years old, and your body has never been your own. You were conceived in the light of this knowledge, and you have lived with it, and died for it; and though you do not yet know this, you will live and die for it again and again. And as you listen to the Devil confide that you were meant to be the vehicle for the end of the world, you wonder if anyone is ever going to stop and ask you how you feel about it.  ---

--- POV: a knife is poised above your throat. The sun reflects off it, blinding you to all else. Your father looks down at you, but he isn’t seeing you, not really; his mind is lost to devotion. Later, as you bind the ram and draw that knife across its throat, he’ll tell you that he knew God would stay his hand. That’s what faith means, he’ll say; I knew He would not take you from me. His smile, like the knife, will be blinding as he tells you: stories will be written of this day.

POV: a demon dies under a hand that isn’t yours any more. The thing wearing your face is explaining to your father that he’s done now, that he can rest, and all that will cost him is: you. If he were destined to have a later, if that chance had ever come, you can imagine him saying that he and the thing possessing you both knew what choice he would make.

POV: the only available blueprint for Paradise calls for your bones to be laid into the foundations. And—as everyone keeps telling you—that's the best-case scenario.

POV: you can wrench your body free of the forces controlling it, and all it will cost you is your life. Standing at the edge of the abyss, you see for the first time what true freedom looks like. If you’re going to be damned, it will be on your own terms. ---

--- POV: your name is Isaac, and there will never be a single story—no parable, no holy writ—dedicated to how you felt as you lay on that pyre.

POV: your name is Claire Novak, and you were a child. What consent could you meaningfully offer to a servant of the Divine? Your body or your father’s—but that choice was never yours to begin with.

POV: your name is Lucifer, and to the one Being you ever truly loved, your presence was never important. It was merely a necessary precursor to your absence.

POV: your name is Sam Winchester, and this is the way you will save the world: by grabbing hold of the story with bleeding hands. Stop and look, you’ll command. Just this once, you will recognize the autonomy of the sacrifice. ---

--- Anyway. POV: the story is the altar. You are the lamb.  ---

[salty-ironstrange-shipper]

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#and the other half is dni if you like this disgusting irredeemable media: some kid's show everyone was obsessed with 2 years ago

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Sam's Louisiana neighbors being weirded out by the super soldier/Avenger/former brainwashed assassin when he first starts living with the Wilson's, vs them 5 years later just used to him.

Newcomer: Um ... Who's that guy with the metal arm?

Wise old neighbor who Bucky cats sits for: Oh, Bucky? That's Sam's boy. Don't worry about him none, he's quiet but he's nice.

1753 notes • Posted 2021-05-17 22:27:46 GMT

#4

Wong: Ah yes, the five love languages.

*points to Tony*: my parents never told me they're proud of me

*points to Stephen*: im so fucking tired please god just let me rest for five minutes

*points to Harley*: I love Stuff

*points to Peter*: please pay attention to me

*points to Tony*: touch starved

Tony: HEY, WHY DID I GET TWO?!

1760 notes • Posted 2021-02-22 03:36:37 GMT

#3

black widow just strengthened my resolve that clint should have died in endgame. “oh he had a family he had kids-” Natasha was taken from her biological family as a child, abused and stripped of her innocence and autonomy, forced to become a killer, had a family in the form of Yelena, Alexei, Melina, and the other widows, and barely had a chance to decide what she actually wanted for her life between being on the run and going from fight to fight. Clint had a life - Natasha deserved one.

3506 notes • Posted 2021-07-11 08:02:31 GMT

#2

Bucky: I'm just dropping this off and I'll go.

Also Bucky two minutes later: So 🥺🥺 you need any help ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

4390 notes • Posted 2021-04-16 08:20:50 GMT

#1

“My world doesn’t matter to America, so why should I care about its mascot?”

this is now a Sarah Wilson stan account

10125 notes • Posted 2021-04-09 08:01:19 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[nougaty-nephilim]

Supernatural trudged through many seasons feeling aimless. There was a point to it all from s1-5, but afterward they sort of slipped into bros just fighting to survive, endangering the world and then saving it from other entities (and themselves). In a way it went back to the s1 basics of saving people hunting things blah blah, but there was no overall trajectory like they once had with Yellow Eyes, the psychic children and the apocalypse. No real end in mind or point to get to. That's why I always expected the series finale to be doomed.

I knew eventually they'd get cancelled or keep churning out content until CW got tired and said told to wrap up a final season. Then they'd scramble to find a way to end it and likely choose the lazy, uninspired, 'what's the point it's not like ratings matter anymore' sort of ending.

But then they pulled the Chuck is a cruel, capricious God storyline. They revealed to the characters that they're just puppets to be controlled for entertainment. They have no agency, no autonomy no free will. Suddenly we had a villain more powerful than any other could hope to be because he created and controlled every other villain that came before him. He made them and handed them their power and purpose to play with them and toss them aside when he was bored of their plots. Suddenly there was a purpose to the show, face the puppet master then fight tooth and nail to get the free will you never quite had. And sure if they'd died in that process, it would be sad but at least it was to fight for their freedom to be real people with real lived. And if they survived it, they got the chance to explore who they really were when Chuck isn't dictating every line into his novels before they can say it. They can begin the road to self discovery, even if it's just implied and we don't see it on screen.

The finale was disappointing because we had 15 seasons, almost two decades in real time, of watching The Truman Show. But instead of Truman facing his master, choosing freedom from control at the end and discovering who he is outside of a controlled environment, he simply dies at the end. He never experiences real free will long enough to make the journey satisfying. He never gets to figure out who he is when he isn't micromanaged in his own life. He lives a life being controlled and dies the moment he's about to step out of the door of his simulated world. That's how Supernatural ends. Dean and Cas are killed before they can enjoy Chuck's defeat. Sam lives through it but he is so depressed the entire time that he doesn't seem to really enjoy any of it (and frankly looked depressed and su*cidal half the time). Jack becomes God so even though he didn't die he still lives in the afterlife as if he did and he never really gets to live his life despite being a toddler who never got the chance to experience much normal.

TL;DR In the end, it all feels like the show told us that Team Free Will 2.0 defeated the final villain yet it felt like he won

[strawberrysoup]

Pocketful of Posies || Chapter 6

You’d been hiding for years and years now; from your family, from society, from alphas and packs. Suppressants were dangerous but effective and necessary for an omega who refused to be owned—but no suppressants were strong enough to fool the nose of a super soldier, who together with his pack would stop at nothing to bind you to them forever.

pairings: dark!Avengers x reader

word length: 2.9K

chapters: 6/?

warnings: A/B/O dynamics, power imbalances, noncon and dubcon sexual situations, loss of autonomy, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat — this is a dark!fic, read at your own risk. more detailed content warnings are included at the end of the chapter to avoid spoilers, click through the read more, CTRL + F “content warnings”.

notes: slightly shorter than my usual, but i needed to get some stuff fixed up. if ya’ll like my stories please consider donating to my ko-fi— a bitch is poor lmao

Steve swept you up in his arms and turned to deposit you on the landing upstairs, evidently trusting the others to keep you contained for a moment. There was an audible scuffle going on in the den, Bucky would be heard growling from outside—snapping at someone who made the mistake of asking how he’d gotten out there so fast? Tony was growling at Peter who looked seconds away from begging for forgiveness.

“You guys made it safe, I’m happy to see you Nat,” Steve drew the redhaired woman into his arms and sighed in relief, but you couldn’t tell if it was a question or a statement; honestly you were having trouble thinking, your brain clouded with the sudden onset of absolute and uncontrolled panic.

The moment the black-haired man had been pulled away by the delta currently stomping back up the stairs, clarity had returned to you like a slap in the face. The golden fog that obscured your vision immediately dissipated and just as quickly you’d been overwhelmed with gut wrenching fear. You didn’t actually remember kicking Steve in the face or making a break for the stairs, but evidently you had and you cursed your hindbrain for running towards the stairs—you should’ve jumped straight out the window; you had a better chance at out running Bucky and whoever else was down there than the two alpha primes and their surrounding packmates.

Before you could even take a step towards the still wide-open window, the black-haired man appeared with a green flash and wrapped around you tightly. “Shhh , pet, no. No windows for you, darling, come now—back to your nest.”

In a moment of truly unusual harmony, your consciousness and hindbrain agreed that the bed was the last place you wanted to be. That wasn’t your bed, the omega hissed tearfully, you’d never made a nest—that wasn’t yours. It could barely be called a nest, even. There hadn’t been any careful consideration regarding the placement of the pillows and blankets, there were no articles of clothing or soft items that had been scavenged or stolen to elicit a feeling of safety or comfort. Worst of all was the way it smelled. Obviously, it didn’t reek, the mix of individual scents wasn’t a bad conglomeration, but your hindbrain whined at the unfamiliarity. This wasn’t your pack’s scent.

The cohesion was jarring, and you groaned. Regardless of the reasoning, your hindbrain was aware that you didn’t get to have a pack and that reminder always hurt. It desperately desired one, but an omega’s primary objective was survival.

After all, you in all of your fully conscious state knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that you would never have a pack—it wasn’t a matter of wanting or not wanting at this point in your life. You were too old to be regressed into the type of omega that packs wanted, your body too badly reliant on the chemical reactions produced by suppressants after fifteen years to stop taking them. At your age, to be found by a pack meant death.

They would get sick of trying to fix you. You’d die from quitting the suppressants cold turkey. They’d beat you for disobedience until your body gave up. You were nearly thirty and that was ancient for an unbound omega and you couldn’t teach an old dog new tricks. Especially an old dog who was bound and determined not to be taught.

“LOKI!” Bucky bellowed as he stomped past Steve and the redhead on the stairs, looking three shades past furious.

The man holding you let go very quickly after that, spinning you away and moving to intercept the furious delta with an equally unpleasant expression. Why couldn’t you have just fucking kept it together upon meeting Bruce—that blood in the water, shark nosed asshole, if you had reigned in your panic there was no way he could’ve scented you through your suppressants. Steve was a different story, but if you’d been quick and calm you probably could’ve made it.

You scanned the room quickly; Bruce was on the bed, checking on Wanda. Bucky and Loki were on the floor fighting, half entangled with Peter and Sam who were doing their best to put their own fight aside to keep the deltas from killing each other. Steve was still halfway down the stairs with the other redhead, talking to her quietly. Tony was—

“Okay, princess, okay,” Tony was wrapped tightly around you from behind, carefully keeping your head braced between his chin and shoulder when you tried to thrash. “This isn’t fair to you, you’re way too fragile for this right now. Put your head here, breathe with me.”

“Please let me go,” you didn’t realize you were crying until you spoke, words coming out in sobs. “I don’t want to die like this, please—”

“You are not going to die, little love,” Thor sounded so sad from where he came to stand in front of you. “I’m not going to bond you, not while you’re so upset. But the results of the tests Bruce ran showed that you are in danger. I cannot allow that and no matter how angry you are with us, we will not let you suffer needlessly.”

“I’m not suffering! I swear, I swear I’m not suffering I’m, I’m happy! I’m happy living my life the way I have been. Please, let me have the choice, I want to be alone, it makes me happy!”

Trying to explain to a literal God why you deserved personal agency was an exhausting business, especially when said God was as condescending as Thor. His indulgent and sad smile was nearly enough to tip you over the edge, but there really wasn’t a point in getting angry—he obviously couldn’t even fathom the concept that what he was doing was wrong. It’s not like you could do anything anyway, you weren’t built for violence but for running away. Every bone in your body vibrated with rage; the injustice was overwhelming.

For fifteen whole years you’d been just fine. You would’ve continued to be just fine, if it weren’t for some super nosed freaks crossing your path. What were the odds of the only people in the world who could scent you from beneath more than a decade’s worth of suppressant use would have a cabin in Quebec that you happened to clean—and run into said people because they happened to show up early; an incredibly unusual situation.

It made you think about Mrs. Hunt. She’d only called to give you a heads up because of the last time, when the homeowner had tried to assault you even while he’d thought that you were a beta . You wondered how long it would take her to realize something was wrong; it was getting late and you’d yet to return her cart despite telling her you’d be there shortly.

The real question would be whether she tried to help or not once she discovered your presentation. She could try to help, try to stick them with omega theft, but they could claim civic duty like Peter had earlier. Besides, that was contingent upon her wanting to help you considering you’d lied to her for so many years.

“You’re so distressed, won’t you let me purr for you?”

“Don’t! Don’t you dare take away—”

“Little love, please—”

“Don’t call me that. You don’t even know me,” you spat, turning to address the room at large. “What kind of fucking superheros are you? Let go of me! Let me go!”

Tony sighed and hefted you up into his arms, one wrapped around your torso while the other hooked under your knees and pinned you carefully across his body. You struggled uselessly against his strong hold; he wasn’t as strong as Thor or Steve, but his bicep was massive next to your head and you could feel his muscles through his clothes as he walked to the bed.

“We can’t, princess,” he murmured into the side of your head as he lowered both of you to the bed, sitting propped against a mass of pillows in the corner. “We’ll never find an unbound omega in your age range again. Plenty of omegas have been offered to us, but they’re all practically children. You’re our last chance—”

“There are plenty! You said plenty! Pick the oldest who wants to be in this fucking shit show and leave me alone!” Everyone tensed when the tone in your voice approached a shriek.

“We’re not taking an omega who’s not even legal to drink—”

“That alpha is like eighteen!” You tried to gesture to Peter, who gaped at you like you’d wounded him, but your arms were still pinned tightly to your sides.

“Peter is twenty-four, actually,” Tony spoke with mirth when Peter jumped onto the bed and crawled until he was pressed against Tony’s side and your back. “And before you ask, Wanda is twenty-six.”

“We’re so lucky to have found you,” the alpha half purred, pressing his nose into the back of your neck. “We’ll make you happy, happier than you are now.”

“It’s gonna be a rough start,” Bruce laid down in the nest a few feet away, welcoming the woman you recognized as the Black Widow into his arms when she slithered into the bed. “We have to balance your hormones, or you will die. You wouldn’t have lasted another year on those suppressants.”

“Death would be a reprieve,” you hissed shortly, freezing when the tone of the room immediately changed.

All attention was suddenly on you, Bruce still making direct eye contact with those sad puppy eyes, “I know that feeling, sweetheart—”

“We will do it another way then,” Thor interrupted, sending Bruce a quieting but loving look. “I said I would not bond you while you are in distress anda I will never break a promise to you. Open your mouth, this will be quick.”

Steve seemed to sigh in response and followed to stand next to the other prime, “I lost my chance. You’ll help her?”

Thor leveled the shorter blond with a careful look before nodding, both showing signs of deference and affection and respect that you did not care for. The rattle of a belt prompted Tony to turn you, setting you carefully between his legs while continuing to hold down your arms with what could appear to be an affectionate bear hug. He even linked his fingers with yours, squeezing gently as you tried to squirm.

“No. No, no no no, that’s disgusting, I won’t—”

“Shhh , I’ll do all the work little love, all you need to do is swallow.”

He was jerking his cock carefully, a flick of his wrist near the head catching your eye. That was a dangerous weapon, the same way you’d come to learn Steve’s was and you had no intention of letting it anywhere near your mouth. You clamped your lips shut, teeth grinding.

“Stubborn,” Peter snorted a laugh and you would’ve snapped at him had his hand not dove between your thighs, fingers gliding through the slick lips of your cunt until he found your clit.

You had to stop yourself from screeching, the head of Thor’s cock directly in front of your face. “Very. Come on now, open up.”

The fingers pinching your nose shut came as a shock, you’d crushed your eyes shut out without realizing it and they snapped open when your face was assaulted. Steve was kneeling on the bed, carefully cutting of your air supply with one hand and stroking your head with the other.

“Come on, precious, you’ve gotta breathe,” he stated softly, smiling when you were forced to pull your lips back to gasp for breath—until he realized your teeth were still locked together. “Really ‘mega?”

The next thing you knew his thumb was shoving against your molars, literally prying your jaw open. There was no way to fight it without hurting yourself, especially once he wedged his thick thumb between your top and bottom teeth. You barely had a second to anticipate the horror before an unnecessarily large cock found it’s way between your lips.

You tried to shriek, your brain finally catching up to the whole series of events, but it was no use. His scent was overwhelming and his dick stretched your lips, your jaw forced completely open. Thor groaned, a triggering noise as he very carefully pressed forward until your mouth was completely full and he was settled against you tongue.

“Suck for me, little love, just a little,” he grunted, just barely working his member between your lips while his huge hand stroked the rest.

It took a surprisingly small amount of time for a massive load of cum to shoot into your mouth. It was thick, and the way that Thor growled immediately made your pupils blow wide like you’d done a line of coke.  

Your body went lax immediately and you swallowed on instinct when a hand gently rubbed your throat. The fuzz in your brain was the result of arousal, a brutal orgasm that rocked your body at the sound in combination with your body’s sheer delight at the taste of alpha cum. Somewhere you realized that was disgusting but the haze in your brain made you more focused on the hand between your thighs rather than the indignity.

“Man, this shit ain’t fair,” Sam complained, panting from the exertion of trying to prevent Loki and Bucky from killing each other. “They get to cuddle and we—Hey!  Quit that, man!”

“All of you stop fighting,” Steve’s alpha order was brutal and effective.

The sounds of scuffling from behind Thor stopped immediately and there were huffs and snarls and low grumbles but the nest started shifting all around you. You were dropped back to lay against Tony’s chest, having inadvertently swallowed the entirety of the god’s massive load.

“She’s so cute,” Wanda cooed from somewhere to your left.

“We’ll need to go over what we’re doing from here,” Steve sighed once everyone had settled, still watching your dazed expression with a small smile. “But let’s just… nest for a bit, okay?”

The word nest triggered something in your half alpha-cum stoned brained and you looked around the den with a displeased expression. It was a terrible nest; all of the pillows and blankets were in weird heaps and the scent was so wrong. You didn’t really want to nest here, your hindbrain grumbled in agreement, but you’d fix the damn thing. You whined and wriggled until Steve gave Tony the go ahead to stop fully restraining you.

The bed was incredibly soft, which was an upside and crawling across it was like sinking your knees into clouds as you collected the soft heaps of blankets and pillows as you went. You wanted everything off so you could start from scratch, brain muddled by the wrongness of the current layout. You wanted to wash the sheets, the pillow cases, the blankets, all of it. The scent wasn’t right.

“Help her.” It was a quiet request from the Black Widow, who’d also started shifting around to remove the items. “She doesn’t like it like this.”

It was easier to get everything pushed away and in neat piles with the packs’ help, everyone immediately moving to help organize the pillows. You only snapped at the blond beta—Hawkeye, your memory supplied— once for putting a soft blanket on the pile with the not soft blankets. He immediately gave an apologetic burr to which your hindbrain purred back instinctually; evidently a good reaction.

“Why does she like Clint? They haven’t even spoken.”

“She doesn’t like him, she snarled at him!”

“She hasn’t purred at anyone else!”

“Shut up, fuckin’ idiot.”

The noise you made was one of discontent and disdain, the arguing deltas immediately quieting. You didn’t argue with the chirping growl that meant displeased omega, not in a real pack where the goal was to keep omegas pleased and docile. Somewhere your brain reminded you that this wasn’t your pack but the alpha hormones filling your blood and confusing you and yet somehow all you could focus on was whining and pushing at pack members to get them out of the way as your rearranged; clicking your teeth grumpily when you were handed a blanket instead of a pillow or vice versa.

You found yourself being corralled back into the corner, where Natasha and Wanda immediately wrapped themselves around you. Thor had found Bruce and settled beside and settled near your feet where you’d built an intricate nest wall of pillows and blankets. Two of the deltas, Tony and Loki seemed to be glaring at each other—even as Tony laid himself completely on top of the other and they both relaxed into comfortable holds.

It was interesting, watching the pack dynamics as they moved between each other. Clint wrapped around Natasha from behind the same way Carol found her way behind Wanda. Peter had weaseled his way into curling against Loki’s side while tossing a leg over the man’s hip, subsequently laying it over the backs of Tony’s thighs. Sam, Bucky and Steve all found their way into a neat grouping on the bed closest to the stairs, piled as close to the subsequent piles of superheros as possible.

There was some sort of pattern beginning to form in the back of your brain but you were still too confused, too sucked into your own omega hindbrain by the overwhelming introduction of alpha hormone to your system. Instead of following the thought through to the end, you found yourself warm and comfortable and full and falling asleep tucked between the groupings of presentations as if it wasn’t totally, 100% against your will.

 content warnings: forced cum eating, chemical manipulation, dead dove: do not eat

[mittensmorgul]

aaaahahahahahhhhhhahahh the worst thing Sam ever said to dean. 9.13, The Purge:

Dean: About what you said the other day.

Sam: I thought it didn’t bother you.

Dean: You know Sam, I saved your hide back there. I saved your hide at that church — in the hospital. I may not think things all the way through but when I do, it’s because it’s the right thing. I’d do it again.

Sam: And that is the problem. You think you’re my savior, my brother, the hero. You swoop in and even when you mess up you think what you’re doing is worth it because you’ve convinced yourself you’re doing more good than bad... but you’re not. Kevin’s dead, Crowley’s in the wind, we’re no closer to beating this angel thing, please tell me, what is the upside to me being alive?

Dean: Are you kidding me? You and me, fighting the good fight together.

Sam: Just once be honest with me, you didn’t save me for me. You did it for you.

Dean: What are you talking about?

Sam: I was ready to die, I was ready. I should have died. But you, you didn’t want to be alone. That’s what this boils down to, you can’t stand the thought of being alone. I’ll give you this much, you are certainly willing to do the sacrifice, as long as you’re not the one being hurt.

Dean: Alright, you want to be honest, if the situation was reversed, and I was dying, you’d do the same thing.

Sam: No Dean, I wouldn’t. Same circumstances, I wouldn’t. I’m heading to bed.

(bolding mine, because we’re gonna talk about those words...)

The problem in the Winchester Codependency is this. We’ve talked about it for years-- the fact that yes, they’re brothers, but that Dean also still can’t help but feel “parental” toward Sam, because that’s the role he was forced into as long as he can remember. And as many glimpses of this as Sam has had, and as many small (and sometimes large) moments of insight into Dean, he still either refuses to understand this, or blocks it out, or assumes it’s all handled until the next time this issue rears its ugly head again and it’s like Sam developed amnesia again about why Dean defaults to the Bossy Parent role.

I mean, this is not to discount Dean’s own amnesia over the fact that Sam does NOT have the same hangups about feeling “parental” toward Dean in return, because to Dean the role of Brother and Parent are so tangled up together he can’t always tell what’s what. 

And Kevin... he’s not dead because of Sam-- even though he enjoys putting the blame for it on himself. He’s dead because Gadreel felt BETRAYED by Dean, even though he himself had been betrayed for the better part of the entire history of time... so like... there’s much bigger issues here, but Sam reduces them all down to himself. I mean, Dean also blames himself for everything a lot of the time, but not when it’s in the attempt to save the people he cares about.

The whole “we’ll always try to save each other” that is a BIG part of Dean’s personal definition of what it means to be family on a very basic level... Sam just basically stomped on that and told him it was worthless. And the painful irony is that by 10.03, Sam gets this. He finally put on his grownup pants and did something far more horrific than Dean asking an angel he thought he could trust (based on Cas’s word about Ezekiel being a good soldier, and that angel not completely lying about his identity) to save Sam’s life, and then Sam effectively being held hostage by that angel-- which directly hurt Cas and Dean both, as well. So like... at least Dean is trying to keep the bigger picture in mind here.

And Dean has already punished himself for this in direct ways that Sam has also watched first-hand. He’s expressed how he feels he’s poison and went off and took the Mark of Cain, effectively sacrificing himself to spare Sam and Cas and everyone else from Abaddon. So that bit Sam says there in the second bolded segment? Is potentially the worst thing he’d ever said to Dean up to that point. Because Dean himself has sacrificed more than almost everyone else on this show combined-- his own identity, his own happiness, everything he’s ever wanted in life since he was four years old, his own soul in exchange for Sam’s, and most horrifically his own LIFE in a future where he FINALLY had a chance to be free and live unburdened by mechanism that caused their repeated need to make these awful sacrifices in the first place. They’d finally knocked the monkey wrench out of the cosmic gears, unseated Chuck, and then... for some reason Dean thinks one more final big sacrifice for Sam is what “was supposed to” happen? NO. No, no, fuck that sideways with a container ship.

Yes, Sam repents of all of this in s10 and goes WAY over the top on his revenge mission, because he thinks Dean is dead and that some rando demon was just using his body... at the beginning he doesn’t think Dean CAN be saved. 10.03 is the beginning of Sam’s redemption from this.

And this is why 15.20 is not only implausible to me, but outright offensive. They both struggled horrifically with these things and would eventually forgive and overcome them, only to fall right back into it just in time for the finale.

Yes, Sam’s issues with bodily autonomy and possession throughout the series are at play here, too. And that only makes things worse. Dean will only truly begin to understand that after 13.23, when he will-- without hesitation-- once again make the sacrifice himself to save the people he cares about.

I understand both of their perspectives here, but heck it’s super hard not to feel angry and hurt by Sam’s words. I mean, HOW MANY TIMES has Dean been perfectly willing to be the sacrifice for Sam’s sake, and the ONE TIME he made a choice for Sam-- bearing in mind that Gadreel was also playing ALL of them, and using Dean’s face to secure the Yes from Sam-- Sam can’t let it go. I mean, I’ve written about the “who’s to blame for this” argument and how it just goes right back to the start of creation and puts it all on Chuck for locking up Amara. In this circumstance specifically, though, this is at least PARTLY Dean’s personal guilt over “failing” that first trial way back in 8.14. Sam was never the one who was supposed to “sacrifice” himself to close up Hell. Dean even argued with him that they would find another Hellhound to kill, and Sam busted out the Power of Positive Thinking BS about wanting to SURVIVE the trials when Dean was looking at them as a death sentence. Because they always WERE a death sentence, and no amount of “golly I’d really like to live anyway though” was gonna change that. The entire POINT of what Dean did was trying to CORRECT what he felt was a pointless sacrifice of Sam on the altar of saving everyone else.

So yeah, I hate this bit here. :’D

Because as I hinted at in the previous paragraph there... THIS WAS ALWAYS CHUCK’S STORY. That one brother would have to be sacrificed so the other could live. Because that’s the story of him and Amara. Only one of them could rule over creation. Only Chuck could remain free to create the universe he wanted unhindered, and the story of his universe as told and retold through his own creations was his own self-justification for that original crime. And the final episode of Supernatural gave him exactly that, in the stupidest possible way. It was “we can’t have nice things or a happy life, only one’s death so the other can be free.” The irony was that they weren’t truly free. Dean was just ~dead~ and alone and never sought out what he never got to have in life. Sam abandoned everything he’d grown to know about himself to live a half-life without any real satisfaction, until he finally died, too. It’s just... depressing AF. And it all feels rooted in Chuck’s basic plot rather than truly winning for Free Will and humanity.

I typed on this so long that 9.14 ended, with Kevin’s admonition to them both that they stop behaving like that, since he’d ben watching them be petty from the veil for months. Dean was ready to talk to Sam, but Sam had already turned his back and walked away, completely convinced of his own righteousness in this matter. And at this point in the series I just kinda want to yell at him... >.>

[thran-duils]

Use All of Me (P.14)

Title: Use All Of Me (Part Fourteen) Summary: Fem!Reader x Dark Mob!Steve Rogers. The Avengers are heroes saving the world but in this AU, they are also permitted by the powers in charge to have less than favorable business underneath their guise of mere superheroes. Steve and Tony are at the helm, keeping their empire’s wealth in check, both devious and perilous if crossed. Steve takes a liking to the reader at a party and it may be her undoing to her autonomy choosing to go home with him. Words: 2,549 Warnings: Dark AF, angst, emotional/mental abuse, smut, breeding, death Author’s Note: Steve’s gaslighting and emotional abuse is starting to sink in for her near the end. Just a warning.

Part Thirteen || Part Fifteen || Masterpost (mobile) || Fanfic masterpost

The ride home was uncomfortable. Not space wise, you had enough between Steve and Bucky in the middle row of seats in the SUV. No, it was uncomfortable because everyone was going on about their business like they had not just hijacked you from a cabin. Bucky and Steve were both on their phones, sending e-mails or checking documents. Clint was driving, his fingers tapping on the steering wheel to the music. Sam was staring out the window, watching the scenery go by. You could not see Natasha behind you but you were sure she was as relaxed as the rest of them.

Steve brought his phone up to his ear at one point and you heard on the other end, “Murdock Birth Center.”

“Yeah, I need to make a check-up appointment with Dr. Kamal,” Steve stated. You remembered you had had an appointment then and felt a pang of guilt. “As soon as possible please. For Y/N Y/LN. Hmm. Yeah, that will work. I’ll be sure to have her there.” He shot you a look and you averted your gaze. He thanked the person before hanging up.

You felt him still looking at you for a few moments and you turned your head towards Bucky’s window to avoid looking at him.

They did not take you home though, you went back to the facility. Questions itched but you were thinking that you merely needed to leave the SUV behind and get into his car for him to take you home. Steve helped you get out of the car, steadying you when your feet hit the cement. His arm came up to wrap around your shoulder, guiding you to towards the shade of the overhang outside the front door.

“Stay here,” he ordered you.

You did not get to respond before he turned and walked towards where the other Avengers were gathering further away. He was speaking to them and there were general nods and warm smiles.

Probably thanking them for helping to get you back, you thought sourly.

Movement caught your sight and Tony was coming out of the front door, looking suave as ever. You wondered why he insisted on wearing a suit vest and tie when he had nowhere to be. His gaze fell on you and he rose his eyebrows, smirking, in greeting. You forced a small smile, hating the smug look on his face. He caught Steve as Steve was leaving the group and whispered something to him. Steve met his eyes and hesitated before nodding. A few more words were exchanged before Tony let go of Steve’s arm and Steve continued on his way to you.

His arm came around your shoulder, guiding you again towards where his car was parked.

<><><>

You stood in the middle of yours and Steve’s room, staring around at the pristine furniture and unwrinkled bed. It was spotless, nothing out of place. Nothing changed since you had been gone for the week and a half. You thought to yourself Steve had probably barely been in the room anyway, spending most of his time searching for you.

The room was not homey. There was no personalization besides a couple framed photos of the two of you on the long dresser underneath the TV. You looked to the wall windows overlooking the grounds outside. They matched the inside: trimmed, everything in its place.

You were back to your perfect life in your perfect house. Alone. Except for when Steve was home and enveloped every ounce of your attention and being to him and him alone. You wondered how that would fare as soon as the babies were born. You wondered if Steve’s jealousy and possessiveness would extend to his children when you could not solely focus on him. That was a troublesome thought.

You sighed, your hands coming to rest at your hips, supporting your back. You caught sight of yourself in the mirror, seeing your belly starting to peek out from beneath your nightshirt. Steve would want new clothes brought in for you now that you were getting in your final months and you were going to really balloon out now.

As if his ears were burning, his voice sounded from behind you, “Y/N?”

You turned your head towards the doorway; he was looking at you concerned. You gathered he must have tried to get your attention a couple of times. You were so lost in your thoughts.

“Come here,” Steve beckoned you with two fingers.

He did not have to request it twice. You followed him down the stairs, him walking a step before you, ready to catch you if you stumbled.

Halfway down the stairs, he chastised, “I don’t like the idea of you going up and down stairs too often without someone there.”

“That’s where our bedroom is,” you told him point blank. His mouth set into a thin line as you reached the final stairs. You inhaled deeply, calming any sense of argumentative behavior you had in your bones at his cautiousness. “I use the handrail. Always.”

“I’m worried about your balance.”

“I’m paying attention to that.”

Steve looked like he wanted to say something else but he turned away from you, striding towards the front door and you followed. As soon as you stepped out onto the front porch, you stopped, seeing all the security from around the grounds gathered in a semi-circle.

On a stair above them, Steve leveled all of them with a serious gaze, his profile visible to you.

“New ground rules starting today and running indefinitely. Y/N – and you can just start referring to her as Mrs. Rogers because it’ll be soon enough and I will have you all being respectful to my wife – is not allowed to leave the property without a proper escort and my permission. If you don’t see me face to face saying she’s allowed to leave or hear me over the phone, she doesn’t leave. No one comes onto the property either unless they’re one of the team or you have prior notice from me.”

Your breath was quickening with every word that fell from his lips.

“Does everyone understand that?” Steve asked, his gaze falling on you specifically.

There were a chorus of ‘yes sirs’ but Steve was watching you intently, expectantly.

“Yes,” you said quietly.

Your understanding was the one he ultimately wanted to witness. You had broken his trust like he had specifically asked you not to. And he was true to his word; he was locking the damn keys up.

<><><>

“You kept them alive?” Tony asked incredulously when Steve told him that Yua and Natalie were still alive.

Steve rose a brow, sending a challenging look right back at him. He shrugged lightly, “What collateral would I have over her head otherwise? They’re all I’ve got until the babies are born. I don’t doubt for a second any threat I would take them away from her permanently will keep her underneath my thumb. And warming my bed.”

Tony chewed his gum with purpose, staring at Steve, letting that sink in.

“That was a gamble. You are leaving a window for them to try something foolish again,” Tony finally said with a malcontent tone.

“She’s not allowed to leave the grounds.”

“At all?”

“Not unless I give permission. No more joy rides. And no one is allowed on the grounds,” Steve said. He noticed the cocked eyebrow sent in his direction and he added, “Unless they’re an Avenger. You’re still on the list, you baby.”

“I would be offended if I wasn’t,” Tony returned. He pushed away from the table he was leaning on to stand up straight. He walked around it, tapping his pen on his open palm. A nervous tick. “So, you are here for the chip I am guessing.”

“And for the company.”

Tony smirked over his shoulder. “Right.” He stopped, twirling on his heel to face Steve again who had begun to follow him. He set him with a look and told him sincerely, “I told Pepper to talk to Y/N. Give assurances and whatnot. I think with the right conditioning, Y/N will find comfort in motherhood.”

Steve nodded in agreement, “I don’t doubt that for a second. She’ll desire to cradle them… her motherly instincts kicking in to cradle them at her breast.”

“You’re banking on it,” Tony observed, chuckling. Steve merely shrugged and Tony laughed again. “Yeah, I did too. And it worked out. She’s gonna get protective. You’re right to use them for collateral. You should marry her and get custody put in place once the children are born.”

“I am already planning on marrying her. I already told the staff to start referring to her as Mrs. Rogers. Never too early to start showing her the respect she deserves,” Steve informed him. And then he asked, “But custody? I’m the father.”

Tony pointed his pen at him as they approached the worktable. “Yes, but if there’s no custody order in place then she can legally take them again from you… again. Honestly, Steve, do you not listen to anything I try to teach you?”

“Is that what you did with Pepper?”

“I threatened it,” Tony said and then made a face. “And thennnn… I actually did it. She doesn’t know that still but, I don’t leave anything up to chance. But the threat was enough and still holds to be enough. Even doing that might get Y/N to shape up.”

Steve admitted, “I would rather just have her sign the damn thing and see it for herself.”

“Probably smart with her. She is… what was your word? Squirrelly?”

“Shut up,” Steve retorted.

Tony chortled, “Well, she is. But, be proud of yourself. You have got a perfect one bagged. I’m proud of you.”

<><><>

Pepper had been elated to see you back safe and sound. She had prepared an entire smorgasbord for you, all different kinds of small things to snack on before dinner. You were surprised to learn she had actually done it herself and not the maid. She really must have been excited to have you coming over.

She gushed over your stomach, congratulating you on its size. You had told her you were not sure if the size is something you should be happy about and she waved you off, reminding you you were growing two babies inside there.

The food was delicious, you made sure to make two small sandwiches for yourself made out of different ingredients and an array of different sides to munch on. Morgan was down for a nap, so you had not seen her yet, surprisingly to your disappointment. Since you were really having to face you were going to have two small ones of your own soon, you wanted to be around another baby to learn the ins and outs.

Pepper’s back was to you, refilling your glass of water, still speaking over her shoulder as you reached for another handful of grapes. Being distracted by both the food and her conversation, you didn’t even notice Tony had come up behind you before you felt his grip on your upper arm and the stick into your bicep.

You tried to yank away, shouting in alarm. But Steve was at your other side, blocking you from leaving your chair and you all but collided with his chest. You hissed in pain as Tony scolded you for making that harder than it needed to be, telling you if you had just sat still you would not have had that much pain. You craned your neck the other way to look up at Steve in shock and he was staring down at you without remorse.

“What… what was that?” you practically demanded, your eyes narrowing in anger.

Steve did not answer you, Tony did, sounding pretty happy with himself. “Tracking device. Completely harmless, even with babies. Trust me. Pepper has one too. But I’m giving you the upgraded one. That baby will be able to find you no matter where you are. Top quality technology there. You are one of the firsts to be able to try it out.”

He said it like you should be thanking him and be in awe of the gift he was bestowing.

You noticed Pepper had turned back around, her jaw slack from disbelief at what she had just witnessed. Her eyes met yours and you saw regret and empathy in her eyes. Of course she felt that for you. Tony had just told you that she had one too. And they had used her extension of friendship as a way to distract you to be able to make sure you were just as trapped as she was.

Suddenly you did not feel like eating anymore. You threw the grapes back onto your plate, some bouncing off the plate to roll across the counter. Fury was welling up inside your stomach, threatening to boil over.

“Y/N,” Steve’s voice came deep and rumbling, warning overwhelming his tone.

Tony had discarded the needle down a chute on the counter across from you, whistling. He was pulling glasses out of the cupboards.

“Drinks before dinner?” he asked and then shot you an apologetic smile. “I’ve got some sparkling water for you, Y/N.”

You were having trouble focusing, trying to shove all the anger you felt down. You knew you had brought this on yourself by leaving, by betraying Steve’s trust. But you did not think he would go as far as to let Tony implant a GPS tracker in you. You did not think those were even real, but you should not be surprised with Tony. And poor Pepper…

And now, poor you.

During dinner, you were kind to Pepper, keeping up the face with her. You could tell she was distraught for you and you kept brushing it off with a wide smile. No need for anyone else to feel miserable on your account, especially her. You had gotten yourself into this mess and now you were reaping the consequences. You had pushed Steve past his breaking limit, and you had no one to blame but yourself. You were taking your medicine in each dose and you would continue to do it with as much decorum as you could muster.

On the way out the door, Tony grabbed your arm again, stopping your stride. You flinched at his touch and he noticed, a laugh leaving him.

“Oh, darling, sorry. Not another shot. It’s just me,” he told you, pulling you close. Your eyes flicked to Steve still walking down the hall towards the front door where his coat was hanging. Tony leaned in, grabbing your attention again. “You be nice to him now. He’s got something really special for you planned. You understand?”

There was menace lurking in his gaze and you nodded quickly to escape his stare. It was gone and he nodded. “Good girl. You treat him right. You have another opportunity to do so and I know you learned your lesson.”

He let go of your arm with a jerk and you stumbled back a bit. You nodded again, nervousness coursing through you before you turned and faced Steve again who had just realized you were not following behind him. He beckoned you and you walked to him quickly.

~~~

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