#STOP USING MY SYMPTOMS AS A JOKE WHILE TREATING ME LIKE A MONSTER FOR HAVING THEM

[petrichorvoices]

stop using delusions as a fun quirky thing. stop saying delulu. stop saying that you're being delusional for fun. stop saying schizo. stop saying psycho. stop calling people crazy. stop calling people insane. stop making your villains delusional. stop calling politicians you don't like delusional. stop joking about being in people's walls. stop making fun of hallucinations. stop fucking saying delulu.

[felinedetached]

Fandom Ableism in the MCYT Community

[Edited 14 June 2021]

One thing I’ve noticed about the MCYT (Dream SMP, specifically) community on both Tumblr and Twitter is that when informed of things that are ableist, or harmful to ND people, a lot of people ignore the post/tweet, derail it or actively fight against it.

“I’m ND so I can’t be ableist” is a common statement, which is blatantly untrue. Even I’ve used ableist terms and phrases before, without realising they were harmful. So as a neurodivergent person, with autism, BPD, depression/anxiety, dyslexia, psychosis & brain damage*: here’s some common ableist things both CCs and fandom say almost constantly**.

*note that not every neurodivergent person will agree with me on these, but these are commonly ableist things people have previously talked about online, and/or have been discussed between me and other neurodivergent friends. No minority can ever speak for the entire group.

**note that a lot of these are common outside the MCYT community as well, and that some of these are just considered societally acceptable. This isn’t okay, but it explains why a lot of people don’t recognise jokes or comments like these are wrong, and it means that it’s not a direct moral failing of people that they don’t immediately or directly recognise these comments as wrong.

Now, let’s get into the things you might not have realised are potentially ableist:

1. Use of “Psychopath/Psycho/Sociopath/Schizo” and other demeaning terms for people with mental illnesses as insults, or to describe characters who are considered villainous. Psychopath/Psycho/Sociopath are already terms that people with ASPD dislike using, even not as an insult, but using these terms to describe people or characters who you disagree with or see as villainous only contributes to the villainisation of people with ASPD and other mental illnesses. Using c!Dream as an example: Dream as a character is not confirmed to have any of these mental illnesses. He is, however, commonly labeled as psychotic/psychopathic, incapable of any kind of compassion.

He is also a character that fandom largely insists that nobody is allowed to sympathise with. This is a huge issue, and has hurt a lot of people, especially people with low empathy, or mental illnesses that cause them to relate to some of c!Dream’s actions (e.g. pulling away from all his friends, desperately grasping at straws to gain control of situations etc). Insisting that these characters are characters it’s impossible to sympathise with, all while calling them psychotic/psychopathic/sociopathic, is extremely harmful, and I hope this post draws attention to that.

Here’s another post that talks about that.

2. Use of the term “freak”, in general. As an insult, “freak” has been typically used to insult neurodivergent people, people with visible physical disabilities (ex. “freakshow”, and the term was reportedly created with the intent of insulting people with physical disabilities), or people who display any kind of abnormal/atypical social behaviour/physical aspects — people who are usually ND people who lack a diagnosis or people with physical disabilities. Recent usage has come to mean “people who do things that hurt other people”, but this is harmful as well; using words like “freak” or “weirdo” which mean “socially atypical behaviour” to refer to people who are actually doing things that hurt other people conflates the two, and often has a side effect of hurting disabled people who see it.

3. Calling ND ccs like Technoblade monotone/emotionless. While the term “monotone” isn’t ableist in and of itself, the fact that it’s being used against a neurodivergent man who emotes in a different way to neurotypical people rubs a lot of ND people the wrong way. I’ve partially discussed this here, in a tweet responding to a person who said that c!Technoblade, quote, “has no human capabilities like emotion for example”. This, however, is not something contained to c!Technoblade — one of the most common jokes in this fandom is how rare it is to hear emotion in Technoblade’s voice.

The issue with that is that neurodivergent people almost universally agree that Technoblade emotes perfectly fine, and, in fact, emotes more freely and clearly than a lot of others do. Hence, calling him monotone perpetuates the idea of ND people as emotionless/less able to be hurt/less expressive, which often hurts us. It also contributes to the dehumanisation of ND people — related to how ND symptoms are most often seen in robots or monsters in shows — and is generally extremely harmful, on top of being untrue.

4. Related to point 3: the infantilisation of ND ccs like Tubbo and Dream, usually paired with assigning “caretakers” of their friends, like Tommy and George. This is about the posts that spread like “omg, Tommy helps Tubbo with his dyslexia, that’s so cute” or “omg George is so patient with Dream, I could never sit through that” on videos of Dream vocally stimming because of his ADHD. This is another post that talks about this, but I wanted to talk more about why this is harmful here.

4a) With Tubbo’s dyslexia, from someone with dyslexia, it isn’t harmful to correct his spelling and move on. Personally, I think this is helpful — others will think it’s condescending, because not all ND people are the same — but as the above linked post mentions, this is not what Tubbo’s twitch chat does. This is not what the comments say. It’s all things about how it’s “so cute” that Tubbo can’t spell, how Tommy/Ranboo are “so patient” with correcting him. This is rooted in the need to constantly watch over ND people while acting like we can't live our lives without someone having us under constant vigilance. It feels like savior-complex ableism, like people are trying so hard to not be ableist that they spin back around to hurting us instead. And it feels like we are being treated like children. Like we are lesser than, and need to be monitored/watched over.

4b) Similarly to what people do with Tubbo, the comments on posts about Dream’s vocal stimming are often full of people calling George “patient” for “dealing with it”, or claiming they “wouldn’t be able to handle it”. This is inherently ableist. They’re praising George for basic human decency towards ND people, and claiming in the same breath that they wouldn’t be able to do that themselves. And then there’s these.

These comments infantilise Dream — claiming he “wouldn’t be able to stop/calm down” without George’s help, implying he’d “spiral out of control” or claiming “everyone is now my child”. It’s all related to the infantilisation of ND people, and the belief that without help/a caretaker we cannot take care of ourselves.

5. The way people treat ccs who likely have undiagnosed neurodivergencies, like Wilbur. Wilbur has openly admitted on stream before that his parents considered getting him an autism diagnosis. He also openly admits on stream that he has habits he doesn’t understand why he does, and hyperfixates on things for months at a time and doesn’t know why. Posts like this have gone around Tumblr, in which Wilbur displays blatantly ND traits.

And fandom generally calls him weird for expressing those traits. This video where he talks about eating sand because he likes the texture? That’s an ND trait. This video where he talks about his irrational hatred for anteaters? While mostly a joke, irrational hatred of something when you can’t explain/understand/articulate why is also a common ND trait. He spends 20 minutes during a Philza stream info-dumping about self-sustaining ecosystems (sharing the photo, because I think it’s really cool) and fandom begins calling them “Wilbur’s weird jars”. It’s demeaning to people who infodump, and as a ND person who hyperfixates and infodumps it’s really upsetting to see. It’s also upsetting to see other ND traits being called “weird” or “freaky” & made out to be soley some funny joke for NT people to laugh at us about.

Additionally: It’s strange to me that people think it’s okay to make fun of ND traits just because they know that or perceive that the person they’re making fun of is NT. It’s still making fun of ND traits. It’s still insulting ND people. It’s still ableist as hell. Why is it okay just because the person is NT?

6. Implying that c!Ranboo’s enderwalking is inherently violent. Ranboo has shown us time and time again that the enderwalk state isn’t a violent state. That the enderwalk state isn’t a seperate version of c!Ranboo that does horrific things. Why, then, is it so common to imply that Ranboo would be violent and hurt people why he’s enderwalking?

It comes back to the perception of c!Ranboo as a character with “two halves”, or as a character with DID. Ranboo has made it clear that his character does not have DID, but this headcanon about his character persists, and it persists in a way that is directly harmful to people with DID — and to people who dissociate or sleepwalk. We do not commit horrific acts while we dissociate, while we’re sleepwalking, because the majority of the time we’re just checked out, our body is on autopilot. Insinuating that we do is harmful. Insinuating that Ranboo has “another half” that’s inherently violent or evil is harmful to people with DID. I’m not going to ask you to stop writing these headcanons etc, but please consider the effect you have on people before you do.

7. Related to point 6: the perception of c!Ranboo as “soft” and “cute” and/or perfectly moral because of his canonical anxiety. This is really harmful, and comes once again from the infantilisation of disorders like anxiety and depression. Ranboo has made clear time and time again that his character isn’t moral, and in fact is extremely inconsistent. He’s portrayed his character as inconsistent, as someone who hurts his friends unintentionally and often due to his want to please everyone, and yet he’s constantly seen as “soft/pure/the only moral one” because of his anxiety causing to have repeated and consistent spirals on-screen. These spirals are not healthy. They don’t indicate his “perfect morals” or make him more moral than anyone else on the SMP. Please stop infantilising people with anxiety, it’s really hurtful.

8. Implying that c!Technoblade is inherently a violent person because of his voices. I’ll admit here: my hallucinations are visual. I do not get auditory hallucinations, and I cannot speak for people who do. But many people have spoken out about this, and discussed how talking about Technoblade as an inherently violent character because of his voices is harmful, and a stereotype of people with schizophrenia.

Technoblade’s character is, in and of itself, inherently a stereotype (despite the fact that his chat are more likely to be a supernatural entity than a symptom of a disorder such as schizophrenia) in that the idea of “hearing voices that encourage violence” is a stereotype of people with schizophrenia. As an actual symptom, is a very uncommon one. More common auditory hallucinations for people with schizophrenia or psychosis are, reportedly, whispers or unrelated conversation. One of my friends hears screaming.

But the issue is with the implication that c!Technoblade is “driven to violence” by the voices. Canonically, he has dealt with the “bloodlust” of chat by grinding withers. He’s perfectly capable of being peaceful, even with “voices pushing for violence”, and he’s perfectly capable of being violent without the “voices” influence. It’s the connotations and the history that fandom has in demonising and villainising c!Technoblade for even having the “voices” in the first place, and acting having them makes him inherently violent and unstable. There’s precedent for that already in society, and it’s not okay to perpetuate it.

[Edit: as of 22/05/2021, I do experience auditory hallucinations, and I can confirm that I am not any more violent, and the voices I hear don’t push me to violence. The clearest one just said ‘click’ in my ear.]

9. Jokes about brain damage and the use of “brainrot” as a term. I made a post about how common jokes about brain damage are here, and I would like to reiterate bits of it.

Jokes like these are really really normalized in modern society. I’m sure a lot of you didn’t even register it as wrong, and that isn’t a moral failing! It’s a norm in society, and that means the majority of people arent going to register it as something hurtful, because it’s said so often. But it does still hurt. The idea of using a disability as an insult is really harmful and it feels dehumanizing, like our disability makes us lesser, something that should be laughed at.

“Brainrot” as a term originated in Skyrim, as a disease that literally rotted your brain. However, as a term, it has very similar connotations to “brain damaged” and has been used in similarly joking and insulting ways. It’s something that feels really off to me and other neurodivergent people to see used by neurotypical people. It even sometimes feels uncomfortable when used by neurodivergent people, even if it’s used in positive ways. I know quite a few people who have removed it from their vocab completely because of the connotations, and I have personally done the same. Once again, I am just asking you to please consider your words before you use them.

10. Calling c!Wilbur during his Pogtopia Arc “Vilbur”. Yes, he was a villain. Yes, he hurt people. But c!Wilbur during the Pogtopia Arc only has one major difference from c!Wilbur during the L’Manburg Arc: a visible depiction of mental illness, specifically paranoia and psychosis. Treating him as a seperate person and calling that seperate person “Vilbur” comes across as extremely hurtful, and contributes to the villainisation of mentally ill people. His mental illness does not excuse him from hurting people, but calling c!Wilbur “Vilbur” upsets a lot of us, because wether or not it’s intended, it feels reductive, hurtful, and insulting.

If you got to the end of this post, thank you so much for reading. I hope that this helped you recognise things that you might not have known were ableist, and that you consider what I’ve said here. I also know that I haven’t addressed everything ableist that’s spread through the MCYT fandom community, so if you’re ND and have something you’d like to add, please feel free.

[scripttorture]

Torture and World Building: Avoiding Unfortunate Implications

This started out as one masterpost and then I realised it was a monster even by my standards so I’ve split it into three.

 First I’m going to talk about details in stories that can suggest (or state) that torture is happening when that isn’t the author’s intent. In the next post I’m going to try and talk about the ways genres commonly use tropes that are (or are close to) torture apologia.

 After that I’m going to talk about how the details in fictional torture and abuse scenarios can add to the world you’re creating.

 Carefully considered details can really add to the story and the world that’s being created, while poorly thought through details can end up implying things the writer didn’t intend.

 So what are some common details that might be implying torture when you didn’t intend to?

 Settings and Groups

 Stop me if you've heard this one before.

 There's an off shoot or splinter group of a major faction holed up in a remote region, usually an inhospitable one. They have almost no oversight and seem more or less self sufficient. They have little respect for outsiders and pride themselves on their toughness, independence and ability to ‘get the hard jobs done’. They may have a maverick commander who 'bends the rules'.

 They have a rigid hierarchy, usually one the hero doesn't fit into forcing them to prove themselves worthy. They’re unwelcoming and mostly respect displays of strength, which almost always means violence. They regard their enemies with contempt and disdain.

 They seem both physically and culturally separate to the mainstream which they regard with disdain. They don’t have much time for rules or regulations or ‘going by the book’. They see it as a waste of time and a sign of soft bureaucrats who don’t know how to do the work.

 They’re prone to sudden mood swings or outbursts of aggression.

 I can think of dozens of examples of this sort of setting and these sorts of characters/sub-cultures in fiction. I don't think writers realise just how much it looks like a group of torturers.

 Especially when it’s within a larger military or policing organisation.

 Oversight is important. Accountability is important. And any armed violent group that rejects and belittles the idea of either probably has a reason for doing so.

 Combining this with a remote region sends the message that there isn’t any oversight or accountability for this group. An inhospitable region, such as desert or a remote island, doesn’t just isolate the group. It also isolates any one they’re responsible for.

 In reality setting up barracks or prisons in remote regions, tundra, deserts, tiny islands, has been used to quietly get rid of people. It prevents communication with the outside world. It cuts off access to support.

 It makes it more likely that anyone attempting to escape will die. And their story will die with them.

 The sub-cultures torturers tend to form are insular. They demand that the people they bring in ‘prove themselves’, generally by participating in abusive or otherwise violent acts.

 They pride themselves on their toughness and independence. They tell themselves that they know better then the rules and their ‘gut instincts’ are worth more then evidence. They have a tendency to belittle anyone who isn’t a torturer.

 They definitely don’t regard their enemies or prisoners as people worthy of respect.

 And none of these features in a setting or group are necessarily ‘bad’ things to have in a story. But mixed together they can imply torture.

 Which paints these ‘mavericks’ in a rather different light.

 Characters

 One of the most important things when you’re writing torture or abuse is to appreciate what you’re writing and treat it accordingly.

 And a lot of authors don’t seem to realise when they’re writing torturers.

 As an example let’s briefly consider one of the most hated torturers in modern children’s fiction. A government official, who uses her position of authority in a school to inflict painful punishments on children. Despite the obvious, scarring nature of some of these punishments she avoids being held accountable because of her government position.

 I’m talking about Dolores Umbridge from the Harry Potter series.

 I brought her up because discussions of the series often treat her as a ‘bully’, on par with Harry’s abusive peers.

 Torture is defined as an intentional, painful act inflicted by a government official for one of the following reasons:

Punishment

An attempt to obtain information

An attempt to force a confession

Intimidation

 Think about what you’re writing and what the characters you write do.

 An abusive character in a position of power is not equivalent to an abusive peer. A person in a position of authority can do much more harm to a larger number of people then a private individual could.

 Police brutality is torture. Corporal punishment in a military or prison context is torture. Painful intimidation tactics in a government hospital or mental institution are torture. And so is corporal punishment in a school.

 Consider how bad you want your villainous characters to be. Be honest about what they’re doing and the severity of their crimes.

 Fantasy Violence

 There’s nothing wrong with cartoonish violence or making the decision to show violence as less harmful then it actually is in your story. Fairy tales where people fall from towers and are unharmed by the fall but blinded by the thorns or shows where characters are crushed by anvils and spring up again dazed but unhurt are not sending the message that assault is harmless. Because these sorts of stories create a consistent setting where the audience accepts that injury and pain don't work the way they do in the real world.

 And the key thing there really is consistency. There's nothing wrong with having your story follow rules that don't match with the real world. The problem comes when creators switch back and forth, treating some acts of violence seriously and others as harmless or a joke.

 Usually this is an honest mistake. A lot of creators really don't know how damaging the thing they're writing is. They think they're telling a realistic story. It's important to question what you write and double check things when you're not sure. And by sure I mean 'found this injury/symptom pattern confirmed by several reliable sources'.

 It’s especially important when we're talking 'clean' (ie non-scarring) attacks because the damage these do is regularly downplayed and underestimated both in fiction and (more importantly) in reality.

 These kinds of problems can also come up because of a lack of consistency in the narrative generally. Sometimes you're not quite sure where you want the story to go when you start so the tone and nature of the thing changes as you write. This is a natural part of the process for some writers.

 If that’s how you write take the time to go back and check that you have a consistent story. Edit earlier chapters so that things line up.

 Think your descriptions, plot and the world you’ve created. Think about what kind of atmosphere you want to create and what kind of world/rules you're trying to establish. And don't be afraid to experiment or edit in order to get something closer to the story you want.

 A lot of this boils down to thinking about what you’re writing and what it can imply. It’s a learning process and it gets easier with practice.

 If your unsure what torture is like in reality or how to recognise torture apologia I have a post for getting started over here. You can find research tips over here and sources over here.

 And if you have any questions I’m here to help :)

Available on Wordpress.

Disclaimer

[13tinysocks]

I wanna see some anti fanfic rec plspls

You asked for it. May I present, a creepypasta x reader anti-reading list.

Quick Disclaimer: No author names will be dropped nor fic links or sites they’re on. I dislike these works but I don’t want anybody to be harassed. Don’t go after people, holy shit. These works are only here because of some heavily disturbing content. One of them just makes me super mad because of a few circumstances. These are purely my opinions. I am not writing Jesus nor do I write the cleanest stories out there. Dark topics should be explored in fiction. However, some things just shouldn’t fucking be romanticized. Fanfic is practice, I’m not taking points off for wonky writing.

You’re allowed to like whatever the fuck you want. I’m not shaming you or the authors. I’m talking about media I dislike, which I am completely allowed to do. If your friend or favorite author’s work is in here, maybe don’t send this to them. I get it’s tempting but still, it could be upsetting. Again, don’t fucking harass anybody. 

This list is in order of - Pisses me off to FBI open up to whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck.

Content warning for: Rape, miscarriages, abortion, necrophilia, sexism, child grooming, multiple types of abuse, ablism, and meanie head criticism of popular fics. Seriously, this gets exceptionally bad at the final one. 

First up in our lineup a pretty popular. It’s the least upsetting and problematic. It’s a various creepypasta x reader mansion fic. This is more of an honorable mention because it’s frustrating to read over being super bad.

Recruited.

Summary: (Y/n) killed an attempted rapist and covered it up years ago. She is recruited into the cpp’s to be considered as a proxy along with two others. Follow her through a journey of no character development into becoming a proxy.

What’s wrong with it?

-Brian literally is a misogynist. He literally hates women.

-(Y/n) is an asshole. Not in an entertaining bad bitch way. No, in an unaware bland way. Points off for being a business major, girl you have no soul and it shows.

-She is treated like the voice of reason who is always morally correct. Thing is, if anyone is neurodivergent or mentally ill and ya’know shows symptoms of it, they’re cRaZy, evil, and an annoyance. 

-Yes, people creeping on or getting clingy can be shitty/annoying but sometimes the way (Y/n) acts is completely unjust. It left a bad taste in my mouth because the character felt okay to be shitty to people who weren’t like her.

-The endings are disheartening and make no fucking sense. Cody, who is clingy at worst, gets rejected Jack, who TRIES TO BREAK (Y/N)’S FUCKING LEG, gets with her. Can I get a HELLO?????? 

-(Y/n) also doesn’t get with Jeff who suddenly turned into her brother character after hundreds of pages of romantic tension. Again, Recruited is not inherently bad but it may be really disappointing to people who are here for 1-2 specific characters.

-Queer bait-y author’s notes and inconstant love interests. Author’s notes would read like “Teehee, maybe I’ll make (Y/n) have Jane and/or Natalie endings……” But that never happens after it’s teased multiple times. I get not wanting to add more to your plate but don’t suggest it if you don’t want to do it or only want to please heterosexual readers.

-They put Tim outside like a dog for being a bad boy. 

-Author’s notes and percentages fill in details for the reader that aren’t in the fic. I’m not going to read all of that. Put important information in the fic. 

-Lot’s of excessive jealousy. Painfully heteronormative. 

What about the good?

Readable. Dramatic like Big Brother. Can be an entertaining read if it’s your thing.

Conclusion

Left a bad taste in my mouth. I feel like the author literally hated half the cast and was annoyed while writing them. When you don’t enjoy writing something it shows. Also, her other work (pandemic! Reader X X-Virus) is super tone-deaf and I don’t recommend that either. Don’t recommend joining this fic’s Discord server either. Won’t get into details but in my and my friend's experience: it’s not a good environment with a lot of playing favorites. 

-

Next up on our list is a grossly popular Eyeless Jack X Reader fic.

My Imaginary Monster

Summary: Immoral monster, Eyeless Jack, sneaking into a 5-year-old girl's room. He gets attached, sticks around through her childhood. Thing is, he gets real creepy. Starts to catch feelings for a 16-year-old he’s watched grow up. He kisses a minor who reciprocates his feelings which is textbook child grooming. Nasty fucker runs away, there’s some drama from that. (Y/n) grows up, comes back to town, and Jack’s a’creepin’.

What’s wrong with it?

-Jack is a literal child groomer. 

-Do I need to say more??? Immortal adult kisses a 16 y/o. Gross.

-People in the comments are going gaga for grooming. Are you kidding me, he’s a pedophile.

-The OC’s take up more than half of the ~200 page run time. I couldn’t get attached to any of them even after the supposed significance. Which is fine but they took up so much of the fic that it got boring and annoying incredibly quickly.

What’s good about it?

I enjoyed Ben. He did the right thing and I can respect that. Trans and poluyamourus reprrensentation.

Conclusion:

No child grooming in my fucking lobby. I think the author was trying to paint it in a bad light. But the thing is, you can write a creepy stalker fic without making them a groomer. A lot of people are trying to escape their troubles through fanfic, including those who’ve dealt with sexual abuse. Don’t bring that into x reader spaces. Don’t put readers through that again. 

-

Last and absolutely least we got a Tim X Reader. 

BIG TW. FUCKING HUGE TW. MOST OF THE TW’S FROM EARLIER ARE FROM THIS ONE FIC. 

Pure Forgiveness.

Summary: (Y/n) is abused by her mom. Her dad killed himself and she’s all (Y/n)’s got in this world. Until Tim comes along and “saves” her. He takes her to the mansion and keeps her as a pet to torture. 

I’m going to get into all the nitty-gritty to satisfy your morbid curiosities so you don’t read it. 

What’s wrong with it?

-Chapter 1 opens with (Y/n)’s miserable life. Her mom hates her so much she has a fucking torture table for (Y/n).

-There’s an attempted rape in chapter 2.

- She’s taken to the mansion by Tim in chapter 3 because he’s “off his medication” and “acting nicer than normal”. Hi, mentally ill person here, that’s not how it fucking works you ding dong. 

-Mental illness is made out to we wholly evil.

-Also tic’s are made out to be scary. As a person with tics, don’t write tics as scary or super weird. Thanks.

-(Y/n) not being able to escape, fight back rapists, and other horrible shit is labeled as weak.

-At one point (Y/n) is dragged through the mansion, beer bottles and used condoms are thrown at her. Girl has to shower off cum.

-(Y/n) is tortured in various ways. Mostly beaten, berated, burned, cut, starved, etc. 

-She is drugged and repeatedly raped by Brian and Toby. These rapes are recorded and shown to (Y/n).

-Brian has black hair. Why?

-Toby and Brian give (Y/n) a forced abortion.  

-(Y/n) gets raped almost every fucking chapter.

-At one point Jack orally rapes (Y/n) to abort a baby. 

-Toby and Brian are necrophiles. They skull fuck a corpse at some point. It is graphically described how they like to have sex with dead bodies.

-Slenderman forcefully impregnates (Y/n) to “keep the (Tim’s) baby safe” whatever the fuck that means.

Why does this happen?

Because Tim wants a kid because his dad raped his mom and his mom was a prostitute. He’s soooo sad guys :(((

Feeling hungry? Here’s some things that are eaten by various characters.

-Hair 

-Cum (forced)

-Toby 

-Piss 

-A miscarried baby 

What’s good about it?

Nothing. Fucking nothing. Don’t read it.

Conclusion

If you like this fic you need therapy, I’m not joking. It’s like a car crash and Rob Zombie movie horribly mish-mashed together. It sucks. The comments praise literal abuse and berate (Y/n) for being afraid. Fuck this fic and everything it stands for. It’s shock horror and torture for the sake of it. It makes no fucking sense and it’s harmful. People think this is okay. It’s not. 

-

Thank you to my pals in the server for helping out and finishing some of these where I could not. Especially you Connie, everyone say thank you Connie she got through Pure Forgiveness. Absolute trooper legend. Again, don’t go out of your way to harass these people. I made this list so you can avoid these works because they have the potential to be upsetting. I’m not the police, I can’t force anyone to stop nor do I want to. Author’s are allowed to explore dark topics but some should be done respectfully or not at-fucking-all. I hope these people grow as writers and understand treating some things a certain way isn’t cool. You can enjoy dark fics, I do too, fuck I write them too, but Jesus God, some things are a no from me chief.

[dantesintegrity]

Higurashi Gou Theory [DEBUNKED]: The Miracle, Motive, and Murders of Satoshi Houjou

Satoshi has always been a fascinating character to me, mainly because we’ve only actually seen him in the first half of Chapter 5, an only in some segments of Chapter 8.  Even so, his presence has been constantly lingering in Higurashi for as early as Chapter 1, and because of his sudden disappearance it only lead to more and more suspense. Not just to us, the audience, but to the characters themselves, they were completely changed because of his Disappearance. Shion was devastated by the demoning away of the one she loved, Satoko felt immense guilt because of it, and Keiichi became paranoid by the mere mention of his name. So when we found the truth that he was merely comatose in the Irie institute, we gave a sigh of relief because he was alive- yet still devastated of the news that he my never wake up. We’ve known that he has been through so much reading the Visual novel, and it only adds to the Tragic circumstance he is under.

However, This is not the Visual novel. Higurashi Gou is something new, and we have started to suspect that the culprit my in fact be someone different this time.

It was around Watadamashi that I began to think that- you know, as a joke- that Satoshi was the Culprit this time. I had no real reason to suspect him, just a crack pot theory that I will humor on occasion.

Then we all noticed something peculiar, when Keiichi woke up in Onidamashi, he was informed that Rika and Satoko were ambushed and killed.

In Watadamashi- while Rika was killed as well- it was Mion and Satoko who were killed together.

Then, in the Thirteenth episode, Mion, Shion, Rika, and Satoko were said to be dead- Supposedly killed by one Ooishi Kuraudo, if Rena’s words are to be believed.

Now, in all of these Circumstances, Satako was one of the Victims, alongside Rika. To us Original fans, we know that Rika is Certainly fated to die. In Gou, however, Satoko is added to that list.

There is a phrase that goes something like: “Once is Happenstance, Twice is Coincidence, Three times is Enemy action”

Satoko is Directly Targeted by the Culprit, I can say that with conviction.

Now, here is where my theory diverts from other theories. Some theories that she is the Culprit, murdered Rika and committed suicide. The reason why she did that is because......... Some will also that she is a Looper, Evidence to support this is that.................. Some say she is just sus.

While I agree, some- key word, some- of her actions are suspicious, I believe that she is actually more of a distraction if anything else. Whether it is intentional or coincidental, we are the ones who is being deceived into thinking that Satoko is behind everything.

But we are focusing too much one what is being shown by the light, when the truth may be in the shadows. Additionally, one of the complaints I have been seeing for this series is that the Endings of each arc seems to just pop up out of no where, unlike the original where we would be able to at least get a grasp of how the story ends. However in Gou, we are being kept in the Dark, as well as other things...

In a previous theory of mine, I suggested that the existence of Satoshi is narratively being kept in the dark. Original viewers would have noticed that he was barely mentioned, and new viewer who noticed the bat would wonder who this “Satoshi” person even before Tataridamashi.

From Keiichi, who doesn’t know who Satoshi is. To the club members characters, who never mention him. To Rika, who perhaps completely ruled out him as a possibility.

(Note: Before anyone says anything on Knox’s First, You must remember that literally the first thing we see in the Opening is Satoshi’ name. It is written in Japanese, so anyone who knows Japanese, or knows the bare minimum of how to use google translate would know that his name is written plain as day. Therefore, no, this does not Violate Knox’s First. If you don’t take that as evidence because it is in the Opening and not in the actual episode, then you are also forced to disregard any and all other evidence that shows up in the Opening, yes, that includes the blonde hair girl.)

While the endings and circumstances of those endings are very different from the original- and some might even say ‘out of no-where.’ There is one thing that actually remains consistent throughout all the arcs.

Onidamashi is very similar to Onikakushi, up until Keiichi lets Rena in. With some few notable exceptions (such as Takano and Tomitake dissapearing- but we will get to that later.)

Watadamashi is also fairly reminiscent to Watanagashi, at least until Rika dissapears in school- ending up in the septic tank.

Tataridamashi is almost beat for beat to Minagoroshi, all the way up to the Watanagashi Massacre.

You starting to notice a trend? The Drastic change shows itself after- or on the day of Watanagashi. Meaning that on the night of Watanagashi, something happens that drastically changes the game board.

Enter: Satoshi Houjou.

So, where does my theory begin? Well, like the original series: Satoshi kills his Aunt, Has his mental breakdown, and forced into a Coma. He enters into a Sleep that he may never wake up, nor will he ever recover from entering L5.

And then... he does.

One day, Satoshi just wakes up, completely lucid. Those at the institute thought he would have never wake up, thinking he was a lost cause and would certainly never wake up. Yet even so, an Astronomical chance happened, and he recovered from the breaking point. It was a Marvelous Occasion, A Miracle, some might even say.

Naturally, this Miracle would have effected Two people in particular: Irie Kyousuke, and Takano Miyo.

To Takano, she could have used him as evidence in support of her research and to get more funding and prevent the Shut down- it was a long shot be she may have had the slightest bit of hope.

For Irie, this was more personal for him. He knew Satoshi and wanted for things to have been better for him, now he has the chance to change everything. Plus his recovery could lead to more and better treatment for Hinamizawa syndrome- or better yet a Cure.

Satoshi meanwhile, is confused. Where is this place? What do they mean by Parasite? Why can’t he see his sister? He doesn’t understand what is going on.

So to help calm him down- or for Takano, help him cooperate- They both told him the truth behind Hinamizawa, and the Parasite.

They tell Satoshi about the truth about Satoko’s Illness, and their theory that Rika may actually be the Queen Carrier.

This is where I form the Crux of my theory, its about what they told him, combined with his willingness to do anything for his little sister.

Because, what if, when they were telling him everything, he had an idea.

What if Satoko’s illness is caused by Rika.

Rika, being the ‘Queen Carrier’ turned Satoko into an L3 Instance, causing the Hallucinations and Paranoia she has now. Yes, she is currently being Treated, but what if Rika was the one to Cause it.

Of course, Satoshi may be misinterpreting everything they are saying, but he doesn’t understand all the medical terminologies Takano and Irie use. There could also be a chance that he is not fully cured either, and that his symptoms are causing him to misinterpret everything they are.

Regardless, he has his theory, Rika is the cause of everything.

There is another that thing could have happened while he was under their Care. One day, Takano was taking some samples from him, testing to see what could have caused his awakening.

Satoshi then asked a question, something like “Will I ever be able to see Satoko.”

Takano possible replied, “Well, unless she also has a full on breakdown like you, then maybe we’ll let you meet with her- but she might not even recognize you, like you couldn’t recognize anyone other than your Aunt.”

Satoshi, feeling dread from her response, then ask, “Well... what will you do with her then?!?!”

Takano, perhaps Joking, replies, “Don’t know, maybe I’ll dissect her brain hee hee hee.”

Whether Takano was joking or not, Satoshi took it literally. I mean, with this secret underground facility under the Clinic, a paramilitary group at her command, She is more than capable of kidnapping Satoko and dissecting her.

He killed his Aunt to protect his sister, but now he knows what could really be up against them. Takano can take Satoko, and examine her brain and do all kinds of horrible experiments on her, all while Satoko is still alive.......

Satoshi would not let them do that, but he is their medically confined prisoner.

He needs to escape.

He needs to stop that monster from demoning away Satoko.

He needs to make sure this ‘Tokyo’ organization from ever doing harm to her.

...

He needs to Kill Satoko.

He doesn’t want to... but what option does he have? If Satoko does breakdown, then she will become Takano’s lab rat. Even if they do manage to escape, she will be unmedicated, and her condition will degrade even further.

To Satoshi, that is his only option, it would be a mercy kill in his eyes.

And while he’s at it, why doesn’t he kill the person who is also heart of this damn parasite.

He needs to kill Rika Furude.

So, on the night of Watanagashi Festival, he decides then to escape.

Perhaps to keep extra watch on Rika, there were fewer Mountain Dogs on the Clinic, or the others were in the Secret base that Takano planned on hiding out in. Meaning that on that night, there were few people guarding the Clinic.

That night, he gets up, and finds anything relatively bat-shaped, and escapes his room. He tries his best to hide in the many dark corners of the Clinic, but eventually he is spotted, and he is reported to the others. They try their best to stop him, but he does manage to escape, almost as if Fate was certainly on he side.

After he escapes, its reported to Takano and Tomitake, right before she enact her plan. She now has more important matters to deal with, so she suggested that her and Tomitake remain hidden in the mean time, to protect themselves from what ever danger Satoshi poses, and also to- just for her own amusement- keep up the appearance of the Curse.

So her and Tomitake begin their search for Satoshi Houjou.

And Satoshi Houjou will begin this years new game, his goal:

Kill Satoko Houjou and Rika Furude.

Well this theory took me a while to type, Sorry if there are any spelling or grammar errors, but this is actually the third time I had to write a lot of that, since my computer crashed while I was typing... Twice. Feel free to comment any Critiques to my theory. Soon I will need to write my theory on each one of the arcs, so I can fully break down what happened.

[amxwolf]

Here is why conventional healthful-thinking is not working on Millennials.

Have you ever had that terrifying dream where you are stuck in a dark forest or sketchy alley, frantically running for your life from some kind of feral monster or mad man? Most of us can personally recall at least once being roused from sleep in a cold sweat because their brain had spent the last few hours perfecting the latent image of a made-to-order nightmare. While that experience is certainly not exclusive to Millennials (rather quite the opposite), the waking reaction or at least how it is processed later by this roughly categorized group of mislabeled people is unique to say the least.

For years now, people in marketing have been fervently dissecting and attempting to recreate what has been loosely categorized as "Millennial Humor". And in all of their efforts to connect with this flock of black sheep, the grand majority of them seem to be missing a key factor in the psychology at work here. For all the unwarrantable bilge that modern advertising haphazardly cobbles together, only a small percentage of the nonsense is seasoned perfectly with the secret ingredient. What is this singular spice? Well, while indulgent to profess and speculative, from someone "sitting in millennial class”, it's obvious: A touch of salt.

Never will I sit here and cry to the general public about how unhappy I am that the modern advertising industry is just not scratching my itch for the wares it’s peddling, but I think it's important for us now to look at how this systemic lack of understanding is reaching beyond the world of subliminal profiteering. Society has other significant quality-of-life effecting systems that are also missing the mark when trying to aim and reach out to help this specific group of people. Puns aside, "a touch of salt" as I quipped, is flavoring the lives of a lot of people in their mid to late 20's and early 40's. And the most frustrating and difficult to reconcile attempts that I personally have made to better myself, have been those that were guided by people who just cannot seem to put their brain into that salty head space.

For example, trying to focus on and internalize a well-organized medical presentation about the encompassing negative effects of stress or insomnia and its seemly simple solution of just "changing your thinking", is about as easily digestible as a two-decade-year-old fruitcake for someone who is imprisoned daily by the symptoms of chronic stress. While I may sit there and give listening (ironically) "the old college try", the sound quickly turns to fuzzy white noise the deeper the lecture dives into positive thinking.

You see, Millennials are not generally fluent in positive thinking. More and more of them seem to be speaking a very distinctive dialect of realism, which incorporates a robustly cultivated sense of sarcasm and a somewhat grim shade of hopelessness. A lot of millennials grew up with a laughably poetic twist on "Growing Up" and "Being Successful", which in turn has colored their day-to-day interactions and created this defeatism-culture. Millennials will openly joke about their death as a needed release, their eulogy as a retirement card, or emotionally decompile themselves over something simple like saying "you too" in a situation that doesn't warrant it.

A good percentage of Millennials were old enough to understand the destructive consequences of the most recent housing market disaster on a very personal level; At an impressionable age, watching their own parents, who may have worked excruciatingly hard at the expense of any number of personal or family goals, lose just about everything resonated in a way that cannot be unheard. Then add the borderline criminal and unscrupulous "sheep-shearing" that became common place when the generation was herded off to college, trade school, or other form of career-building education. Not to mention the fact that upon completing said programs, a proverbial "step-in-the-right direction", a substantial number of these "hopeless wanderers" were faced with yet another barbed-wire hurdle when the job market in countless fields were oversaturated with potential employees. Many positions had not been vacated as they normally would have been with the age of retirement being stretched further and further down the road due to increased cost of living and financial demands; the finish line or lap marker was just not getting any closer. To add insult to injury, Millennials, sometimes unbelievably hardworking, are frequently being listed as perpetuators of the clashing reality we have today. This being what the modern media is calling "The Great Resignation"; a dubious combination of a labor shortage amidst an unemployment spike fueled by uncompetitive wages left unchecked, the government's inability to reel in the situation, and a general devaluing of laborers overall.

Oh. And also, we were killing the diamond industry at the same time. Or was it simultaneously the marriage and divorce industry? Wait! I think it was cinema? Or no....maybe it was fabric softener. For a complete dissertation of all the things Millennials brutally murdered over the last two decades, perhaps I'll include a link below if for no other reason to drive my point home.

You have this group of people who are conditioned to endlessly swimming upstream, against the current, with nothing but chastising and bitterness to listen to. So, when it comes to something universal like learning to "sleep better" or "problem solving", the indifferent but somehow time-honored approach of saying "it's as easy as just taking control" is over time if not immediately rejected as dissonant information.

These people don't feel like they have control; some of them feel like they never had any to begin with.

Why is this a problem?

Our society is not developing a taste for "salt" at a pace in which it can prepare social-sustenance for its population. We're not getting any younger, and neither are the generations in front of us.

Millennials are already, by some definitions the mass-population of workers, voters, and other titles that we've yet to embrace. And our lack of interest is not because we do not have a passion for positive change (even on a global scale). Millennials have voiced over time that they feel they are the silent majority amidst a group of people who will not give them breathing room and don't respect the validity of their opinions and ambitions. And it is by no means restricted to one region or country on this planet. This is a global phenomenon.

I could spin a vast yarn about the political ramifications of continuing to exclude the Millennials from the metaphoric Counsel of Elders, but I'm more concerned about the neglect that is spreading elsewhere. We need our leaders in the medical and social fields to really respect and dig deep into how to incorporate "Millennial Thinking" into their treatment and development plans. A large amount of the global population is going to need carefully tailored treatment for things as old as depression, bi-polar tendencies, or schizophrenia as well as newly discovered mental encumbrances like imposter-syndrome.

While “positive-thinking” may have been easily cultivated in the past, we may need to start from a more negative approach and build from there to educate and treat a group of down-on-their-luck millions. Pumping drugs into a populace is not going to permanently patch the leak either, so there truly is precedence for a rehashing of how we should prioritize mental health in modern society.

Stop spending so much time and energy assigning blame to modern technologies and social norms. Are these going away? No? In that case, those things are much like our other daily stresses that are unavoidable. Yes, you can change your nightly routine to de-stress the same way that you can change a job or a daily commute, but there needs to be a fundamental shift in accountability divvied to circumstances out of a person's control rather than scolding them for not being able to manage it.

Do I have all the answers? No.

But this was less about offering a solid a solution and more about opening a dialogue. A starting point.

So yeah. I've had that dream of being chased through the woods by a life-leeching alien. It felt very similar to being sucked dry of my pitiful wages for an education that was at the time, barely panning out. Even now, as a 32-year-old, slightly more successful version of the starving student I've become, I still feel as though my rat race will end when my heart gives out; and all I can hope for is enough money when I drop to cover the ambulance ride to the over-crowded emergency room and a large pit to rot in. But I just hope that the generation behind me has the benefit of a system that understands how to create and sustain “Millennial Inspired” social structures that will allow them to flourish in what little we can leave behind for them.

Also, could you pass the salt?

[maevelin]

Episode 1x06 

1. Such an opening scene! 

And Klaus remembering Dave and throwing away the drugs in the toilet. OMG!

And the reason for Klaus wanting to get sober! MY HEART!

“His name was Dave...”

And my baby loved so much and so hard that fought to the first line only to lose the one he loved...he is a war hero that lost his love...Dave died in his hands...and for him it must be so raw and so soon...and now the world is ending and all he wants is to see Dave again...only that...I JUST FEEL THINKS OKAY?

Klaus’ story with Dave was so pure and beautiful. And tragic. Why? Why did it have to be tragic? I can’t take this anymore. This type of storytelling always seems to end in one endgame and it is always death and pain and I am sick of it. And especially in Klaus’ case it just...I can’t! Okay? I CANNOT!

And I know I am generally allergic to fluff but in this case...why couldn’t we get the rainbows and the unicorns and the puppies? WHY?

And then Klaus finally saw Dave again...and the timeline was erased...I just...

2. I just love Diego’s and Klaus’ scenes! Seriously and I am soaking them up like a sponge! And the fact that Klaus turned to Diego for help!

They can be funny and sad at the same time. 

It was so sad that only Ben could see him struggling with his withdrawal symptoms. 

But then Diego stepped up...out of all his siblings he is the one that is there for Klaus. He makes it seem as if he is annoyed but it is such a brotherly thing to do. And truly Diego feels that he has let his mom and Eudora down but he is not letting Klaus down too and that gets me! He truly cares. It just gets me! Precious baby!

And in return...Klaus needs to ...pee LMFAO! 

I also love Diego’s scenes with his mom. She is definitely feeling things. I would like to see more of that.

Pogo is annoying me to be honest. Supposedly he cares and is wise and is there for the siblings and is a better father figure but no...he is just as problematic as Reginald was in my eyes. He supported this toxicity, he still does and apocalypse or not that is a shitty thing to do to children.

3. Hazel was right. Boy he was right. Five is a legend! My deadly little thing! 

YEAH BABY...FIVE IS A LEGEND! A FREAKING LEGEND!

Five’s scenes are electric! And his showdown with the Handler...AWESOME!

At this point I can’t choose between who I like more, Five or Klaus? I am more sentimental for Klaus for sure and I love him all the way but Five...Five is my iconic kind of character! Badass to the bone and legendary! Not to mention a cynic with a heart and a sarcastic disposition! My bitter cinnamon roll of an assassin! My precious little hit man! Brilliant, manipulative, kicking ass taking names, lethal, a killer, so done with life but still a survivor! A pragmatist and a dreamer.,,with an unhealthy obsession for coffee, alcohol and...Dolores...WHAT IS NOT TO LIKE?

Boy oh boy it is always the same characters! 

4. Vanya’s guy is such a creeper. Every time he is in a scene I cringe. And you can see how creepy he is. It is just so sad that Vanya is unable to see it because she was treated so horribly in her life that even a shred of kindness can blind her so because she is starving for it. Her father did a number on her. If we are honest all her family did.

That book though...to keep her sedated...Vanya finding that book will definitely push her off the edge.

And her powers...with the apocalypse coming...it’s her powers that lead to it right? 

She will go out like a bomb of something? It would make sense because if the drugs were the cause of keeping her emotions on a leash and repressing them along with her powers now that the leash is gone and after all this time of repressing her powers and feeling worthless she is like a ticking bomb ready to go off. Who thought it would be a good idea to do that to her? That fucked up excuse of a father she had for sure (what an asshole indeed!) but no matter how destructive her powers can be it does not take a genius to understand that bottling up emotions and suppressing them along with powers of such scale is like just delaying the inevitable and creating the right circumstances for a freaking big bang. Those powers laying dormant for so long and Vanya building up all those negative emotions inside her that she can now feel...well shit...Why not train Vanya like her siblings? Maybe her powers were uncontrollable but this alternative does not seem much better.

5.  LOL at Luther’s revelation...we died...I said...WE DIED...LMAO

But all jokes aside...

My heart broke for him in this episode. Poor baby. To be sent to the moon. To exile. All alone. A monster hidden from the world. With no love, no support, no humanity. It is dreadful. 

I honestly don’t understand how a person can fuck up their children in so many ways each one of them individually but also collectively. 

And Luther that always looked up to his father and in the end all he wanted was for his dad to be proud of him. Despite all the abuse he trusted him. Truth is though that if he was leader material and if he wanted to be the leader of his team, a team created by his family, then he should have responded to that abuse and tried to make it stop. For him and for his siblings. He just averted his eyes and found excuses for what his father was doing both to him and his siblings and I don’t blame him because he was also an abused victim but in the end it was all coming to this. In the same way it happened with the rest of his siblings. 

“I was never good to be number one.”

That’s the thing though. I don’t think that his number means what he thought it meant. Best case scenario it was a lucky pick by a negligent asshole, or the babies were born the same day but not in the exact time so their numbers just showcase which one is the oldest....however worst case scenario for Luther anyway is that his father probably labeled the children based on the potential of their powers starting from the most basic level one in the power scale leading up to the strongest while is probably Vanya that reaches the highest and most dangerous level of power. In that case Luther was probably the weakest link.

Also let us face it. When Tom cries...boy that shit hurts. He has very expressive eyes. He is like a big sad bear that you want to hug when he gets like that.

6. Allison’s and Luther’s romance story on the other hand...Yikes...thanks NO THANKS.

That was probably the only normal fatherly reaction their dad had when he caught them....

.....and then it was because they played out of schedule..moron...

And when I said I wanted more from Allison’s storyline...this is not what I meant...and yeah it was always brewing but YUCK!

P.s” 

- “What are we? Chopped Liver?” Well Cha Cha one can hope! For you anyway! Hazel, the work bee can drive away in the sunset with the bird waitress LOL

- I loved how one of Hazel’s motivations to stop the apocalypse is to have the freedom to kill whomever he wants and not those the Commission wants LOL

- The Commission has to go!

- Side note: As much as I despise that incest thing between Allison and Luther...admittedly in their dance scene I’d be blind not to notice that Tom Hopper is hella fine! I mean...damn! 

[ladyrevanhalin]

TWISTED MORALITY (PART III of ONLY LIGHT CAN CAST SHADOW) CHAPTER THREE: SEEKING SHELTER FROM THE STORM (PREVIEW SECTION 6 OF 16)

[AUTHOR’S NOTE: This is a preview section from an incomplete chapter]

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As hungry as Gwen was, Carth had insisted they seek medical care prior to seeking food. With how long she had been unconscious combined with what little medical supplies they had, he wanted to be certain there weren’t further undetected injuries in addition to the head injury that he’d been treating since the crash. Gwen had taken part of a ration bar in the meantime to hold her over. She had a lingering headache that she could not tell if it was from her injury or the fact that she had not eaten in the three days she had been unconscious. Either way, it hadn’t put her in the most pleasant of moods.

“Look, I’m fine,” she insisted as they walked. “While I appreciate your concern, I don’t need you mothering me.”

“Don’t you think we’re better off at least checking?” He said. 

“I think I’d feel a lot better if I had something other than ration bars,” she snapped. “I couldn’t eat a single thing on that damned ship it seemed without getting sick afterward!”

“Well sorry fleet cafeteria isn’t good enough for you,” Carth said sarcastically, rolling his eyes in the process. 

“Don’t you roll your eyes at me!”

“Calm down, geesh! It was only a joke. There’s a cantina close to the apartments, we’ll head back that way as soon as we finish here.” Carth added the last part as they stepped inside of a Tarisian Clinic. It was very plain, steryl… as a clinic ought to be. There were two men there who seemed to run the place: a younger one who was polishing a medical droid, and an older one who seemed to be working with chemicals at a lab station of sorts.

Carth approached the one working on the droid. “Excuse me,” the pilot said, “but can you help us--”

“Can't you see I'm busy with my duties?” the younger man snapped as he turned around sharply to face them. “Go talk to Zelka if you need something.”

“Well, nothing quite beats good old Tarisian hospitality,” Gwen muttered sarcastically. It was no sooner that she had than she felt Carth’s elbow nudge her ribs as he gave her a sideways glance. The woman groaned, rolling her eyes at her male companion’s disapproval. 

“Sorry for disturbing you,” Carth said, frantically trying to cover up Gwen’s commentary. “We’ll uh… we’ll go talk to him now.” 

She felt his hand on her back a moment, presumably to encourage her to walk away, and tensed. She quickly shrugged him away in an attempt to quickly end her discomfort. The physical contact felt strange. It had ever since… Well, there was no sense in thinking about that at the moment. Her head hurt enough as it was without additionally lingering on bad memories.

Carth must have understood her discomfort because he retracted his hand just as quickly as she had begun to shrug him away, and Gwen let out a silent sigh in relief. He left her and approached the older man at the other end of the clinic. 

Gwen folded her arms and meandered throughout the little steryl space. There wasn’t much to look at, but it gave her something to do while she waited to head to the cantina. She could hear Carth talking in the background to whom she could only assume was the ‘Zelka’ the first man had referred to. Her eyes skimmed over the walls and shelves… until they fell upon something that caused her to pause.

There was a large locked door on the West wall that read ‘Lab Personnel Only.’ While it was normal for such establishments to have areas off-limits to all but employees, something felt… different. She didn’t know quite how to best describe it. She felt… familiarity? Was that it? Whatever it was, it compelled curiosity from her. Gwen’s haze drifted from the Aurebesh lettering of the door sign to a simple electronic lock pad on the wall next to the door. It was such an easy lock….

“Gwen? Could you come here?”

She spun around at the sound of Carth’s voice to look at him and Zelka “Yeah?” she said. Her hand had quickly drawn away from the lock, she hoped faster than anyone else there could have seen. ‘Dammit, Gwen, you’re supposed to be respectable now!’ she thought to herself. ‘Just let it go….’

“I'll not have it said that Zelka Forn refused to help somebody just because they weren't a citizen of Taris,” the clinician said to Carth, seemingly in response to a part of their previous conversation. He continued, this time addressing her directly and introducing himself. “Miss Dakaal, isn’t it? I’m Zelka Forn. Your friend here tells me you’re in need of healing? I can treat almost any injury or ailment right here at the medical facility, except the rakghoul disease, of course.”

“I’m sorry… rakghoul disease?” Gwen asked, raising an eyebrow. She folded her arms as she approached them, choosing to remove herself from the bizarre urge to pick open the lab personnel door. “What’s that?”

 “A terrible affliction that has plagued Taris for many generations,” Zelka said, shaking his head. “I was just telling Mr. Polla here about it. It is spread by the rakghouls, horrible monsters that live in the Undercity below Taris' great skyscrapers. Prolonged exposure to the Undercity breeds the disease and those infected will eventually mutate into rakghouls themselves, becoming mindless beasts that feed on the flesh of others. Granted, from what Mr. Polla tells me, that would be impossible since you’ve not been down to the lower levels…”

Gwen had to restrain herself from snorting at the name by which Zelka Forn had referred to Carth. “Oh?” she said, a somewhat amused grin spreading across her face as her gaze shifted from the physician to the Republic pilot. “Now I’m curious. What else were you discussing with Mr. Polla?”

She caught Carth’s expression cracking just a bit at her dig, though it seemed that Zelka hadn’t noticed. That much was probably for the better. She could understand Carth’s choice for giving a false name, given the fact that he was a decorated Republic Lieutenant. After all, someone might recognize the name ‘Carth Onasi’... but Polla!? Surely in the days she was unconscious he should have been able to come up with a name better than that...

“Well, I heard the Republic scientists at the military base here on Taris were close to perfecting a cure for it. But the Sith have since overrun the base and are keeping the serum for the patrols they send into the Undercity.” Zelka sighed. “If I could just get my hands on a sample of that serum the rakghoul disease could be wiped from the face of Taris forever…. But nevermind. I don't see how that's going to happen now, and it’s irrelevant anyway to the situation.” He gestured for her to sit in a chair nearby.

She opened her mouth a moment to voice a protest, but caught sight of a look from Carth that made her stop. She leered back at him as she moved to the seat that Zelka had indicated.

“Well then, Miss Dakaal, I hear you’ve suffered some head trauma?” He took out a small light and shone it in her eyes, causing Gwen to instinctually squint and raise a hand to block out the excess light. “Eyes open, please,” the physician added. “What exactly happened?”

The woman struggled to keep her eyes open for him, choosing to focus her gaze passed him in order to aid her efforts. “My associate could tell you better than I,” Gwen said flatly. “I was unconscious, after all…”

“You know,” she Carth say. He seemed to be ignoring her, but she could not see him at the moment to tell for certain. He seemed to be circling back around to the previous conversation with Zelka. “There’s gotta be some way to get ahold of that cure the Republic military were working on…”

Zelka turned away from Gwen, back to Carth for a moment, and the woman used the opportunity to relax her eyes from the light, blinking slowly as strange colored phantom shapes floated across her vision. 

“ I don't see how anyone could get their hands on the serum,” Zelka said. “The military base is crawling with Sith guards. Breaking in there would be a suicide mission. I suppose the Sith patrols in the Undercity might have a sample of the serum on them, if they hadn't already used it because of a rakghoul infection. But I doubt a patrol would just hand the serum over. And nobody's stupid enough to attack one of the Sith patrols, even in the Undercity.”

“Well, as soon as we’re off, I’m sure we’ll find some way,” Gwen said, wanting very much to end the conversation so they could get out of there and head to the cantina. Most of the reports were of the escape pods crashing in the Undercity anyway, so who knew! Maybe that actually would happen across a sample of the serum… There might even be some sort of reward, and they could always use access to medical services while stranded on an enemy-controlled planet…

“Please don't say that!” Zelka exclaimed as he turned to her, frantically gesturing with his hands to say no more on the matter. “If the Sith hear you they might think I'm suggesting you start sacking their patrols. They could shut me down! I only mentioned the serum because you asked. I don't actually expect anyone to get me the serum.” The man sighed, letting his arms relax. “Tell me what symptoms you’ve had since you regained consciousness.”

“Well,” Gwen said, “I’ve had a lingering headache, but I also haven’t eaten in a couple days--at least not since before the injury.”

“I don’t see any signs of lingering damage from your injury,” he continued. “The headache you described is likely from hunger, not lingering effects of concussion. Now, is there anything else I can do for you?”

“Nope!” she said, standing promptly. “I think that about wraps things up here….”

“Not so fast,” Carth interjected, catching her arm as she attempted to walk passed him toward the exit. He then spoke again to Zelka. “We heard some rumors about Republic escape pods having crashed in the Undercity from the recent space battle overhead. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?”

“Republic escape pods? Uh... no… That’s a strange question,” Zelka laughed. “Why would you ask me that? I don't know. Those pods crashed in the Undercity, I'm not involved in any way!”

Gwen turned back, raising an eyebrow at the man’s reaction to the question. “You seem awfully defensive about this,” she muttered. She’d seen more than enough bad liars in her time to spot it when someone was so obviously hiding something. 

“I'm not defensive! I just don't like being accused of knowing something about those Republic pods.” And then Zelka scoffed. “This is as bad as an interrogation by the Sith!”

Carth winced. It would seem he hadn’t anticipated Gwen commentary, and was disturbed by how Zelka had been suddenly put off. “Don't worry, we’re not with the Sith. We won't betray your secret if you tell us…. Uh… not that you’re hiding anything, that is.” Carth rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. Whether or not Zelka would trust them with any further information remained to be seen.

“The Sith were already here,” the clinician huffed, “asking these same questions you are now. I'll tell you what I told them. I don't know anything about those pods. Now, is there something else you need?”

“We need a better answer than that,” Gwen said. If Zelka Forn actually knew anything about the crashed escape pods, then it could prove most useful in their quest to find Bastila and get off of this rock. “If you know something, you should tell us. Like my associate said, we don’t work for the Sith. But if you are hiding something, the Sith will find out eventually, and they will come here again. It’s in your best interest to help us. I think you want to…”

“I…. I want to….” Zelka said slowly. He seemed to be much calmer as he did so. “Well... you don't look like you're with the Sith. I guess… I guess I can tell you my secret. Or rather, I can show you…”

Zelka Forn walked over to the door that Gwen had seen previously and punched a code into the access pad. The large door slid open, revealing a series of kolto tanks, a few of them with familiar-looking men and women floating inside of them. 

“Hey... I recognize these men,” Gwen murmured, approaching one of the tanks. “They're Republic soldiers!...”

“You... you recognize these soldiers?” Zelka asked. “But how? Unless... unless you're friends of the Republic!”

Carth raised his hands. As if to try to prevent Zelka from doing anything rash. “Looks, I have a feeling we’re on the same side here,” Carth said. “We’re friends of the Republic.” He conveniently left out the part about them also having been on the same ship the soldiers in the tanks were from. After all, they were already putting themselves at risk here. There was no point in sharing more information than necessary… “We’re friends of the Republic. You can trust us.”

“Since the space battle overhead,” Zelka explained, “people have been secretly bringing in these Republic soldiers who crash-landed on the planet. I had to take them in. What choice did I have? Their injuries are terrible, most won't survive. But at least I can make their last days more comfortable. And at least here they are hidden away from the Sith.”

Carth let out a sigh of relief. “Well, for that you have my thanks,” he said, clasping the other man’s shoulder briefly. “It's good to know that at least some of these men ended up in compassionate hands.”

“I hate to imagine what the Sith would do if they discovered these soldiers here,” Zelka continued. “But since their initial questioning the Sith have not returned, so it may be my fears are unfounded.”

“Is there anything we can do to help?” Gwen asked, turning back toward Carth and Zelka. While they were in a hurry to find Bastila and get off, and while it would be easier for them to remain unnoticed if they were in a smaller group, she couldn’t help but to feel a sense of pity wash over her at the sight of her former comrades in such a state.

“I'm afraid there is nothing more anyone can do for these soldiers,” Zelka said. “Now, if you'll excuse me I should return to the front in case anyone comes in needing medical attention.”

The clinician stepped away, closing the door but leaving it unlocked for Gwen and Carth to exit of their own accord. 

“Well,” Gwen said, shrugging with a bit of unease, “at least we know we’re not the only survivors.”

“It’s a good thing,” Carth said somewhat somberly. “It means there’s even more chance that Bastila survived as well.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right…” There was a twisting in Gwen’s stomach that reminded her current hunger and she winced. “Standing here’s not going to do us any good though. I think we should gather more info--at the cantina! I’m starving.” And she let out an exasperated sigh.

A smile tugged at the corner of one of Carth’s lips as he let out a single laugh. “I guess we can head over now… Wouldn’t want you passing out on me after all!”

Gwen rolled her eyes and moved to the door, beating the switch with the side of her first, causing it to open as she walked out toward the exit of the clinic, the pilot scurrying briskly after her once he say she was leaving. They were stopped, however, by a voice when they reached the door leading out of the clinic.

“Psst. You there! Wait a minute. I need to talk to you about the rakghoul serum. I've got an offer for you you might want to hear.” it was the assistant they had seen working on the droid previously.

“Not interested,” Gwen said dismissively, and she continued to move toward the exit. 

“Oh, don't be an idiot,” the man said, moving to block them from exiting. “Just listen to me for one minute and you won't be sorry. Davik Kang wants the cure, and you'd be smart to give it to him.”

Gwen placed her hands on her hips, regarding the man with a rather unamused expression on her face. “Davik Kang? Who's that?”

“Oh, come on – everybody knows who Davik Kang is! He's the big boss around here. Gambling, smuggling, extortion – he's got a piece of all the action on Taris.”

“You mean Davik's a crime lord?” Carth said, now seemingly rather unamused by the conversation also.

“I prefer to think of him as a role model,” the man continued in a rather grating voice. “He started with nothing, and now he's got it all: credits, power, women. It's the Tarisian dream, right?”

“Why does Davik want the cure so badly?” Gwen asked, rolling her eyes as she did so.

“Davik's interested in anything that can turn a profit. He could make a fortune selling the serum to anyone infected with the disease – not like Zelka, who'll practically give it away.”

“I think we'd rather give the serum to Zelka,” Carth said. “He'll use it to help people.”

“Helping people is all well and good,” the assistant harrumphed, “but you have to help yourself first, right? I'm telling you Davik will pay big credits for the cure. More than Zelka could ever afford.”

Gwen considered a moment. Credits would be a big help if they were going to get off of Taris. After all, they would need a ship… “Where can we find Davik if we want to give him the cure?” she asked, folding her arms.

Carth looked at her a moment in seeming disbelief. She tried as best she could to ignore his gaze of disapproval. 

The assistant smirked. “Davik isn't the kind of guy you can just walk up to, you know? He likes to keep his business at arm's length. The best thing to do is take the rakghoul serum to Zax. He runs the Lower City bounty office, but everybody knows he also works for Davik. He'll make it worth your while.”

“And why do you care who gets the cure?” Gwen asked, narrowing her eyes at him. The man seemed parasitic as a mynock…

“Look, Zelka can't afford to pay me much,” the assistant explained. “If you sell the serum to Davik, I can probably get a nice finder's fee for directing you to him.”

“What if I tell Zelka you're helping Davik get the cure?” Carth interjected. It seemed he was having none of the idea, despite how lucrative it could prove.

“Hmph! I'll just deny it,” the assistant said with a shrug. “Who's Zelka going to believe – me, or some off-world stranger? Now, be smart about this. You'll get a better deal selling to Davik.”

“And then only the rich could afford the cure. Just let the poor suffer, right?” Carth said.

The assistant frowned, glaring at the pilot. “Look, if you find the rakghoul serum, just take it to Zax in the Lower City bounty office. He works for Davik. He'll pay you what that cure is really worth!” And with that, the man stepped aside, allowing them to pass.

Once Gwen and Carth were a bit a ways from the clinic, Gwen spoke first. “That guy gave me the creeps,” she commented.

“Why would you even consider something like selling a cure to a crime lord?” Carth asked her. He still seemed to be in disbelief at what he had heard. “You saw what Zelka was doing in there. He’s a good man…”

“Yeah, but we need the credits, Carth. Last I checked, even if we do find Bastila, we can’t get off Taris without a ship…”

“Look, I’m not saying you’re wrong, I just… I think we should consider this carefully before we make any decisions of the sort. I mean, who knows if we’ll even find it while we’re looking…”

“Yeah, well unless you have a better idea for how to get enough funds to get out of here, I think we should consider his offer… but enough of this. Let’s get to the cantina or I really am going to pass out on you.”

><><><><><

[gvaf-radio-blog]

I was laying in bed trying to not think about the rejection when the crying fit started, normally it goes away after a bit but this welled up and I felt an emotion like onto a rage induced tornado surging through me and I pounded the floor screaming like I lost a limb to a bear trap and started to pray to God, keep in mind I am a Satanist, to either help me find a way to get the love of my life back or to give me the means to end my life.  Satan was very understanding but reminded me to call them first next time since Satan never told me I was damned for being born pansexual and they did turn me on to better fashion and literature, sorry Satan.

It had been going on like this for the better part of July and there were several things going on in my life at the time one of those was a firm belief that I had grown too old, too fat, too broken to be any use to anyone other than to make others feel better and be target practice for the Russian Cupidi who seems very intent on making others fall in love with me on the other side of the continent, little fuckers have surprisingly deep laughs I found out . There was a person I was convinced was the love of my life because they seemed to understand me, never made unreasonable demands of me ( I thought)  and to put it simply we could not be in a room alone ever. We worked well together in fact each time we would meet it ended in us kissing and tearfully saying I love you to each other  while holding each other head to head crying. Everytime I heard a slight Russian tinged laugh. We were for a short time had an almost family, an almost family is where things are just off and need adjustments. I wanted tp make us a full family badly I wanted this family to happen because these kids were at one time treated like mine own, I am a  simple and boring man except for the Cupidi and a stalker with cat ears who keeps leaving dead birds on my front stoop.  

So yes I was that fool everyone has laughed at in a heart break fueled misery that pop songs and movies lie to us and say “ AH but tis only the third act! The two distant lovers will be reunited and the love song with start after the credits”. I want to start rounding up the con artist that make a living by filling empty headed children with these notions of true love or that love conquers all and sodomize them with live lobsters.  I don’t want to violate ethically challenged people with shellfish everyday, just on those days when I have to deal with the doll eyed masses, ok so basically every day I was trying to give myself the benefit of the doubt.  The Ex had asked me if the reason I wanted to get back together was because they were a “sure thing” I told her that they were really a long shot but if I didn’t try then I couldn’t live with myself. Fast forward a few weeks and several insulting explanations later and I am now turning over all the reasons I am broken goods and that I should not rise above my station because I deserve to be alone, i’m scum, I’m why baby jesus cries and milk spoils when I walk into the room. I started taking pot shots at the local Cupidi with my compound bow but it was hard to aim with eyes full of tears and the edible kicking in finally. I don’t know how to say fuck you in Russian but I think I know the sound of the word. 

Next we find me red eyed muttering some gibberish that’s been fueled by what I would find out later to be a suspected mental illness that is only half way being treated with medication and therapy. To give you a funny and disturbing visual. After not eating or sleeping for several days  I looked like what could be described as a  cross between a fat Reinfeld and a goth George Costanza , or Meatloaf on a bad day. I give you options for your visuals, am I not merciful?

It’s now sometime between one and five A.M and I am looking up the price of the least expensive .45 handgun because I’m poor and I’ll be getting some extra money soon because I turn thirty nine in a week I do not want to be thirty nine so I start looking for american style solutions, happy fucking birthday. I chose this caliber because having some medical training and studying the wonderful world of trauma  I got to see in full detail what a self inflicted head wound looks like and what a person's life is when the bullet doesn’t take enough grey matter. I didn’t want to be alive then I sure as hell didn’t want to live as a joke character from a Garth Ennis story so I was going to get a bigger bullet .  America, fuck yeah.

so I started to make my final birthday plan and feel at peace with having my last ride of Clove’s, bourbon and a good pub hamburger then, Tchüess. BANG! Obviously I didn’t buy the gun to end my misery and embarrassment as my brain was telling me I needed, because instead my brain going into OH FUCK mode was throwing everything it had at me to save the ship. Then it hit pay dirt. I rediscovered a natural emotional energy that put my mind into a laser focus clearing the fog and lies away  just enough to stop my self destruction and restart the rebuilding I began in the winter. The emotional energy that saved me from turning my head into goo goes by the name of pure fucking spite.

I realized that my idiocy levels had reached a critical mass when the Cupidi in hazmat suits who seem to be , in Russian , bitching about extracting me to go get recharged . They came down to take me back to a containment unit that will refill my cynicism back to optimal and lethal fuck off capacity. After my IV of coffee and Monster™ grape was removed I was set loose again into the wilds of Southeast Portland to reconnect my brain with seething hatred that I somehow misplaced my hatred during the heartache attack between Southeast Division and Southeast Clinton street where I  was bludgeoned with a baseball bat by the woman who was wearing cat ears. I was on a time limit because I had to do this quickly and retract my steps before my appointment with a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner at two P.M later that day. I managed to find my hatred , my senses and a new found desire to attack any human with those fucking anime cat ears on their head and entered the office and was treated like a human being not a Cro Magnon sociopath who might try  to kill people on the train, it was a nice change of pace honestly.

We talked about my past trauma and some of the diagnosis that where off base and some that came close to the mark but the main thing we talked about was the depression, the depression that had me looking for a gun as a treatment plan. This Nurse Practitioner pinpointed everything that I had to hide from others or train myself not to do in less than thirty minutes, Let me give you a bit of perspective. 

Most of the mental health professionals I worked with in the past used a method I call flow chart counseling, example:

Therapist sees me walk into the door, therapist will ask if I drink if yes how many drinks in a week, if no move on to the next question. Therapist: Mister Cromag do you drink?

Me: yeah, I like a good beer, or wine I take a shinning to good bourbons as well.

“Therapist now flows to follow up questions”

Therapist: How many drinks per week?

Me: Well, I like to have a drink that pairs with my dinner and some weekends I’ll have a bit more during games or socialization depending on who’s around.

“Therapist now moves down to alcoholism”

Therapist: how long have you been an alcoholic?

Me: I’m sorry what?

Therapist: You binge drink Mister Cromag, more than four drinks per week means substance abuse.

Me: No it means I like the taste of a stout. “Moves down the chart to denial”

Therapist: We need to find you an addiction specialist.

Me: You think my drinking is bad, wait until I tell you about my porn collection.

After that exchange I was referred to a physical therapist to help with carpal tunnel and after a traumatized therapist had to call security all while frantically  trying to find a flowchart for the psychotically horny they made a suggestion about me having an Oedipus complex.

So you now see what I mean, a lot of professionals never got to the heart of it and there are other stories where I’ve had the professionals all but sneer at me when my symptoms are presented. So this Nurse Practitioner was a nice change of pace and with the discussion about my issues, what I thought I might have been dealing with  (sometimes people see that I do have some form of intelligence and not just hit thing with club real hard unga bunga) we then worked out what medication I needed to treat  the thing I was dreading, being diagnosed with  Bipolar 1.

Bipolar and ADHD share many of the same characteristics and as I’ve learned if you have one the other is more than likely there it just needs to be screened for. Bipolar is also a hereditary form of mental illness which makes it a bit unique where others are mostly trauma induced but Bipolar just kinda waits for something to happen and when nothing does it creates its own fun. To add to this good time Bipolar  is classified as a “mood disorder”  your highs are hyperactive boarderlining and often going into a full true manic state of mind and body, not nearly as fun as it sounds. Then the lows are soul crushing affairs that amplify the depression and then takes the lies you brain tells you and creates a story based on people around you, your fears, past trauma and then makes you this poisoned lullaby cake that tastes like candy feels like medicine until you fall to your knees paralyzed and the fangs sink into your back and you see too late what is having you for dinner tonight.

So that’s a quick and blurry on Bipolar 2, I have Bipolar 1 which means I get all of that plus the added fun of hallucinations, and not the type Terrence Mckenna taught us about. These are things that just manifest as if they are real life like if you were in a  film and it was edited without  warning and in this new situation  you now have to improvise a reality, any  reality, this is why I take *drugs prescribed and other. The other issue is that it feels like my memories get remixed and things that happened now have a new twist, a paranoid hurtful twist.  Good example of this is when I was making a terminal wishlist and believed that there were people who truly wanted me to die because I interpreted their actions as malicious. Another example is I was walking home to the apartments  around ten or twelve years ago, I was walking home at the time with groceries and when I got through the front door there was construction going on at the apartment above me. I sleep days and at best i’ll get four hours due to shit employer, new born child, a girlfriend that was Sybil the next generation who completely refused to get treatment because she was a psych major and thought she was the heroin to overcome all odds  in a lifetime movie.  So on top of this my mental illness is not in check, no insurance and if I mention medication at work I could get fired. 

 I wish this was a part I made up  but I mentioned I was on antidepressants at one time and they removed me from two positions back to entry level until I got clean off celexa, Not allowed to do the fun drugs and then punished for using the boring ones no idea why I stayed there for eight and a half years. 

Back to the construction, I get home try to put my groceries away and one of the workers says he needs to do something in the bedroom I tell him to get bent , he calls me a fat fuck and I proceed to beat him bloody! Except it never happened, I woke up beating my fist bloody onto the tiled floor of the kitchen where I had started to put away my groceries until I jumped into this other reality, I’m just happy the kid wasn’t home because it might have scared her and made her cry and knowing I made her cry hurts the worst, I would have attempted that second suicide earlier. This freaked me out I’ve never had an hallucination like this I was scared, when I told then girlfriend hoping to get support or at least pointed in the direction on where to look she labeled me a schitzophrentic started talking to me as if I was going to flip out  and that I was even more dangerous.  I let that turn around in my head for years thinking that this was the linchpin to me being broken and with the way she talked to me I believed I didn’t deserve help. This was one of the main reasons I had to kill myself after she took my daughter away.

Like a few million other miserable , confused people out there I didn’t know a blessed thing about what was happening, I remembered the mental abuse and emotional abuse from the church, and some had argued physical and neglectful abuse I recieved at the hands of my family or my mother’s husbands who told my mother to no provide for me but instead buy him a new toy car. My step sister who somehow hates the knot headed reprobate more than I do stole his precious camaro and rear ended a Semi. After learning she was ok I fell on the floor laughing because all I could think about was this NASCAR addicted stunted man child calling his mommy to whine about a broken toy, to add to this mental image he was wearing a blue jean diaper and clutching a plush Richard Petty teddy bear.

There’s more but I don’t feel the need to talk about school bus drivers and me losing memory of one full  year of my life, bullying at the hands of adults and children alike. I feel like that would be redundant and unfortunately all too common a story I’ve heard from so many people in my life, friends, lovers , coworkers the fucking homeless people who talk with me after I give them beer money. Leaving some of the genetic issues aside you bastards need to understand how wide spread some of these traumas are for fuck sake my motley of misfits are all walking trauma case studies and instead of getting help YOU people ridiculed them, or gave them the greatest useless sentence in the english language which is :

 “Just get over it.”

Do you know what I would like to see? I want to see all of us survivors roaming the streets like that piss poor movie they claimed was a horror movie the Purge and with a list not unlike the list owned by the man that comes around Johnny Cash sang about during his song of the rapture, and I see men, women, and nonbinary people going to the address of those passive aggressive twits and beating them within an inch of their life, then carving into their chest (backwards) “get over it” then we move on to the homes of the rapists and tell them “you asked for this” before destroying their cocks with battery acid. The screams in the night would be glorious with the bats acting like percussion and the screams keyboard swells it would be like Front 242 unplugged. Maybe then the sniveling pretentious nra members out there will learn a bit. At best, it would be fair warning not to be passive aggressive asshole and learn a bit of compassion and mindfulness or to just get their heads out of their ass about battles they know nothing about if they want to avoid severe head trauma that one can not just simply get over. 

Living with mental illness is not easy at any level whether a small bit of depression after a breakup or full blown PTSD after a brutal rape that leaves one unable to leave their house. Whomever has these afflictions are the ones suffering and your feelings of inconvenience or fear  of those sufferers need to be thrown into the Willamette river, I would say you need to follow suit  but there’s enough garbage in this river you can fuck off into a trash compactor.

Living is the hardest thing I do but I keep finding ways to stop the thoughts from taking over and I will and have done whatever it took to not die and sometimes the only way I was able to beat the mental illness was being bat shit insane. Some people think I’m a drug addict, others just think I need to talk to my old invisible friend, a few well meaning souls have suggested psychedelics and these people are pure and I will castrate any who try and stop them from their holy work from the almighty Bob. what I do need is to find that bitch with the **baseball bat and introduce them to a proper bonfire that I’m going to roast one of those little commie Cupidi on, oh yes I want my revenge for St Louis. 

*the drugs in question are cannabis for the most part, when I’m spinning hard it helps tune me down and when the depression hits it shuts up the thoughts that plague me. Not a cure all nor is it a replacement for proper medication and therapy. I like to think of it a supplemental medicine that has the added effect of making Tool sound even more epic and letting me sleep peacefully. 

** all wildy violent, funny and or cartoonish descriptions written about are there to be funny and entertaining no Cupidi do not exist and the Cat ear person does but the assault was less bloody and didn’t involve a bat  but it was far more traumatizing.

[journeysintowebcomics]

Worm Liveblog #97

UPDATE 97: Conspiracy

Last time Skitter seems to have managed to convince Parian to give her a chance. Does Flechette know? I’m not sure. She’ll find out sooner or later, anyway. So, what will happen now that Parian may actually lend the Undersiders a hand? You won’t find out today! Today it will be an interlude. Let’s get started!

It’s August of 1986, a couple decades before present day. What character may be this one, I wonder? It’s a female character, seems to be quite young at this point so they must be an adult right now. Let’s see...looks like she’s under some sort of treatment.

Somewhere along the line, they had stopped telling her that the chemotherapy would make her better.  The smiles had become even more strained.  There was more emphasis on making her comfortable.  Less explanation of what was going on.

Oooooh that sounds rather...terminal. Death may be coming someday. There aren’t that many diseases that need chemotherapy as a treatment, so chances are it’s cancer. Golly, the interlude just started and it’s already throwing some heavy stuff at me!

This sick girl pretends to be asleep when her mother comes, and although she hates doing that, it’s better than pretending she’s okay enough to endure conversations. The silence gives her mother carta blanche to start talking, though. That can’t be much better than what this girl hoped.

“Becca,” her mother murmured from behind her.  “You awake?”

Becca? Hmmmm...doesn’t sound familiar. I can’t remember a character that’s named Becca or Rebecca. If there’s one, I may have forgotten.

“You’ve been so brave,” her mom whispered, so quiet she was barely audible.

I’m not brave. Not at all.  I’m terrified.  I’m so frustrated I could scream.  But she couldn’t.  Everyone had painted her as being so courageous, so noble and peaceful in the face of the months of treatment.  But it was a facade, and she’d passed the point of no return.  It was too late to break composure, too late to stop making bad jokes, faking smiles of her own.  She couldn’t complain or use her mother’s shoulder to cry on because everyone would fall apart if she did.

She was their support.

That’s quite the heavy load on a deathly sick child. I can’t imagine what that’s like, having to swallow all your frustration and then realizing you can’t let it show because everyone thinks you’re taking it much better than you actually are. It’s even more harrowing when you’re a child, I guess. You know what? This is a rather fitting situation for a trigger event. The thought of death looming above you, all that pent-up frustration, the physical and mental suffering...there’s plenty of stimuli here. Since this person must have survived until the present day – I guess – then she must have survived this sickness.

“My little superhero,” her mother said.

That’s quite the thing to say in this story.

The mom’s choice of words makes Rebecca realize she’s dying. It brings the expected mix of emotions: anger, relief...especially anger at the situation and at others, for not telling her sooner she’s dying. It affects Rebecca enough for her to cry once her mother leaves. It’s dark, she’s seeing the cityscape from her window, and there’s so much she hasn’t done at her age, and so much she’d like to do again.

It struck her that she would probably never get to eat there again, never get a special kids meal with the dinky plastic toy that was meant for kids ten years younger than her.

Oh. She’s older than I thought she was. From the way she was being treated, I thought she’d be like...eight. From this it sounds like she’s like thirteen or fourteen. Still rather young, but she’s not so young people would think they can hide the truth of her situation from her. No wonder she’s frustrated!

There’s a series of things she wished she could have done. Get fast food, read a book in a series, see a movie adaptation, have a real boyfriend...it’s the tragedy of dying, you always wish you had done more than you did.

While Rebecca is letting her pain and sadness show in a manner I’m sure nobody else has, she hears a voice nearby, offering her morphine. It’s a voice she doesn’t know, and turning around confirms it’s a stranger. Hmmm...

“I’m going to increase the drip just a little, Rebecca Costa-Brown.”

Rebecca Costa-Brown? I’m pretty sure if I had seen that full name somewhere before I’d remember. Costa-Brown is quite a memorable name. So, there are two possibilities: either Rebecca Costa-Brown is a character that’s been around before but whose name hasn’t appeared yet, or she’s a character hasn’t made her first appearance yet.

The description of the person who is currently messing with the IV bag is familiar. I’m like 50% sure this was how the Doctor from Cauldrom was described. If so, then that’d mean Rebecca is involved with Cauldron, possibly as an employee. Or maybe, if this is the Doctor, she’s putting some power serum into the IV bag, meaning Rebecca would be a superhero under Cauldron’s thumb.

Rebecca confirms this person in her room isn’t one of her doctors and barely has much time for more before she feels the effect of the morphine. Guess it really was morphine and not soup of superpower. If I’m taking correctly the way this woman said ‘Not yet’ to when Rebecca said she wasn’t one of her doctors then...yeah, I’m growing increasingly more certain this is the Doctor from Cauldron.

Yup, she is. She’s here to make a deal with Rebecca, and she says she can make superheroes. This interlude is happening during the time superheroes were a rarity – in a relative term –and it was predicted in a couple decades there’d be thousands. Well, she’s not wrong, by now all over the world there must be thousands and thousands of parahumans.

By now it’s very clear the offer she’s going to offer Rebecca is to give her powers. She’s showing her the risks of giving powers. This wouldn’t be happening if Rebecca was going to be an employee and not a hero, I think. Photos are shown, parahumans that’d fit the Case 53s very easily. It’s possible it’s precursors of them, or maybe they were already being called Case 53s.

This here is still the early stages of the power serum. Two out of seven die horribly, four experience physical changes that ensure they won’t be in society anymore as normal people, and one gets powers without further consequences. Pretty low odds, all things considered. The Doctor tries to sweeten the deal by saying she could mix things up so there’d be less change of physical changes and there’d be restorative effects – meaning Rebecca here would be healed. Well doesn’t that sound too good to be true?

“I’m not asking for money.  Only that you take this leap of faith with me and help me build something.  I know the risks are great, I wouldn’t normally ask someone to face them, but I suspect you don’t have much left to lose.”

So, I don’t doubt Rebecca has been in the hospital for quite some time already. It’s to be expected, what with her very deadly illness and what not. Cauldron may be able to access to her medical records. That said, I do wonder why she was the one they picked. It’s unlikely Rebecca is the only child with a terminal illness in the entire world. Maaaaybe it’s more of a geographical thing, and she was the only viable candidate in this part of the world? Or perhaps something about her psychological and emotional state made her a better candidate than other sick children? I really wonder why Cauldron picked her and not someone else, hmmm...

The Doctor was right, though: she doesn’t have anything left to lose, she’s on the verge of death, and in Rebecca’s opinion she already looks so awful she may as well be one of the monstrous parahumans from the photos. Why not to go out in a blaze of glory or possibly be saved even if in the end she looks like a monster? She accepts.

The interlude changes to the next day. The very first line says things went well. Congratulations, Rebecca! You have powers. And it seems the Doctor was right about heightening the chances of everything going just peachy. I wonder what powers she got!

Rebecca extended one arm.  Her skin was a healthy pink, her hand thin but not so emaciated as it had been.

“I’m better?”

“I would guess so.  In truth, I’m not sure how the regeneration affected the cancer, it might even have exacerbated the symptoms.  For the time being, however, you seem to be well.”

This is going to be one hell of a thing to explain to Rebecca’s parents. One day their daughter is dying of cancer and looking like she’s in slow agony, the next day she’s heaps better and may be cancer-free. I don’t doubt the happiness of having her alive and better would triumph over most emotions, but there’ll be a lot of demands for explanations.

Since it still is relatively early in Cauldron’s projects, they don’t even have yet a way to categorize the results. They’ll have to test the serum a few more times. Well, if they need people with nothing to lose, there’s no shortage of them in the world. They’ll find all the test subjects they want.

Oh, well then! Looks like the way to avoid giving explanations to the parents and the doctors is to not be there at all. The Doctor asks Rebecca to stay with them for two years, and then she’ll be free to decide if she wants to return or not. Hmmm...I wonder if the teenager who is with the Doctor right now joined under similar circumstances to Rachel’s.

And so, Rebecca stayed with Cauldron for two years. Before I continue, let’s see what powers she has...so, from what I see here, there’s strength. There may also be some physical immunity, so she doesn’t get hurt. I’m not sure if her mental processes are better now than before, because the reason why they feel sharper and faster now could be that her illness had her so numbed she didn’t notice a decrease in mental processing speed. So far there’s nothing particularly noteworthy or unique, no parahuman character from Worm comes to mind.

So, around one year and half pass.

“Alexandria,” the Doctor called.

It seems Rebecca is Alexandria! Alright, that’s fun! This should be an interesting interlude to read. It also confirms further the ties between the big fishes of the Protectorate and Cauldron go way back.

Alexandria waited patiently as Contessa adjusted her cape, then strode through the door. The Doctor was there, of course. Professor Manton, too.  The boy with the math powers was there, standing next to a boy who was staring off into space.

Contessa may be the teenage girl who was with the Doctor. I see the Siberian’s real body is here, from the time he was an investigator in Cauldron’s payroll. There’s also...the Number Man, perhaps? Maybe he was like Rebecca – a teenager or preteen who was brought into Cauldron’s forces.

Turns out Hero™®© is here! He really was with the rest as a Cauldron hero. Legend is also here, and it doesn’t seem like Eidolon is around. Maybe Eidolon will arrive later into the group. So, by now Alexandria has managed to build a reputation of some sort. She also has a nice costume already, possibly provided by Cauldron.

The Doctor spoke, “She’s as strong as any parahuman we’ve recorded.  Flies at speeds that match your own, Legend. Near-perfect memory retention, accelerated processing and learning.”

So she does have increased mental processing. Alright!

Oh, Eidolon is here already. Alexandria was the last person to join this group, then. So, the reason why all the powerful capes and also Manton and Possibly-The-Number-Man are here is because there’s a proposal Alexandria wants to make. The newcomer wants to propose something! This should be interesting.

She starts by saying how this room has the most powerful parahumans in the world, and that parahumans would tend to be villains because of the traumatic events they go through. That’s rather true, a trigger event sure would bring all kinds of negative emotions. Taylor wanted to be a hero because she had heroic role models – the Protectorate and others of their kind. I’m sure others were like that too, but yeah, most new parahumans would choose to be villains because of their traumatic experiences.

The Doctor cut in, “And I’m producing more heroes than villains.  For now, the proportion favors us, and you’ve been able to keep the criminal element in line.  For the most part.   But even as I expand my operations, I have come to the realization that I can only produce so much.  And the rate of parahuman growth is expanding.  The next twenty years are projected to produce a total number of six hundred and fifty thousand people with powers, worldwide.”

Sounds about right. It’s a lot of people. True, compared to the total population of the world it doesn’t seem like a considerable amount, but when you consider the amount of power each one has and what they can do, 6500 parahumans are way too many. Can you imagine how awful things would be if there were 6500 powerful villains all over the world?

Since Alexandria and the Doctor worked on the numbers, I’m sure they’re right. Things like these are easier when you have fast processing speeds in your brain. At the rate parahumans keep happening, the heroes Cauldron makes will be outpaced. I find interesting that what they are focusing is in that Cauldron makes heroes. Perhaps this group isn’t the threat they had seemed at first? It could be rather interesting, really.

So, to avoid the inevitable, Alexandria says they should be what the governments are trying to do: regulate. As expected, the reactions to such suggestion aren’t of joy and immediate cooperation.

Turns out having Legend as the leader was Alexandria’s idea. Either Legend or Hero™®© would have worked. Alexandria didn’t look as kind and positive as the candidates to leader, and Eidolon was too powerful. Alexandria is also the one who thought and planned how to incorporate parahumans into society. From what I have seen in Worm I can see it worked decently well!

Looks like the Protectorate and the Wards were also Alexandria’s idea. It really is like everything in parahumans’ lives was planned by Alexandria. II never thought a single person, superpowered or not, could have so much involvement in society.

“I expect we’ll be able to employ the remainder of the plan, the eight-stage integration of parahumans with the public, because I will be in a position of power in the government.  I, my civilian self, can be in charge of the government-sponsored superhero teams within eight years.”

Could she still be holding that job, I wonder...does that mean Alexandria may have a job in the PRT in a national level, perhaps?

To give everyone else some time to think about her proposals, she prepared booklets and is willing to give them time to think about the plans. It’s a foregone conclusion there was enough support for it to happen, but I’m intrigued about if someone in the Protectorate objected! Eidolon did, of course. Did he change his mind at some point? What do Legend and Hero™®© think? So many questions and most likely there won’t be any answers!

Ah, the parahuman who can make portals is called the Doormaker. For a moment I thought I had read ‘Doormaster’. That would have been kind of cool, haha. This interlude is taking in an era when the building in Côte d'Ivoire still hadn’t been built – or at least I imagine that’s that place, because the Doctor says that will be her base of operations in the future.

“Where is it?”

“Another Earth.”

“Like Earth Aleph?  The one Haywire opened the portal to?”

 I’m not sure I like the thought of getting other Earths involved in this story, honestly...I mean, it’s okay for worldbuilding and stuff, but I hope it won’t have a big role in the story or anything. I just feel there’s too much already involved in this story to need something like alternate Earths. It would kind of...bloat the story?

Once everyone leaves, the Doctor and Alexandria talk. Turns out Alexandria and the Doctor kept a few things to herself about the long-term goals. Oho, keeping secrets, Alexandria? How devious! She’s turning out to be more calculating and with a bit of a devious streak, I like her.

“You have your end of the project.  I feel they’ll come around.  Focus on that.  I’ll handle the projected issues on my side of things.  Just need to find the right individual.  Someone I can groom, perhaps.  Between you and I, one of us is bound to succeed.”

There’s something very sinister about the Doctor saying anything about having someone to groom. I’m sure by the time things reach the present she already has someone, but can you imagine if she didn’t? Who in the present would she choose? Not Skitter, I think, because Skitter already has a million people going after her, but yeah.

Almost two years have passed, and Alexandria doesn’t feel particularly compelled about returning home. I still am curious how exactly they covered up Rebecca being gone all of a sudden. I feel bad for Rebecca’s parents – or at least for her mother, since she was the one that appeared in the story. Her daughter was dying of cancer and then she was gone or went away, and now she won’t return. That must hurt a lot.

December 13th of 1992. Something huge is coming out of the ground. It’s a bizarre, terrifying creature I’m pretty sure is an Endbringer, because the description reminds me a lot of Leviathan. Leviathan was aquatic, this one clearly is related to ground. The descriptions mention obsidian and magma.

His skin was crusted with black stone that might have been obsidian, layers of what might have been cooled magma sloughing off of him as he planted his feet on the ground and stood straight.

‘Straight’ might have been too generous.  He was built like a caricature of a bodybuilder, or a bear-human hybrid.  He rippled with muscle, his skin gray, thick and leathery like the hide of a rhinoceros or elephant.  His black obsidian horns were so heavy his head hung down.  They weren’t rooted in his forehead, but in the middle of his face, a half-dozen curved shafts of black crystal twisting their way out of his face and back over the top of his head, some ten feet long.  A single red eye glowed from between the gap in two horns, positioned too low.  His mouth was a jagged gap in his lower face, twisting up to a point near his temple, lined by jagged horn-like growths that were too irregular to be called teeth.

His claws were the same, not hands in the conventional sense, but mangled growths of the same material that made up his horns, many of the growths as large as Alexandria herself.  He could flex them, move them, but they were clearly weapons and nothing else.

Can someone send me an image of this beast, please? I’m curious to see how the fans depicted this thing.

The Protectorate is here, and so is the team of local heroes. The exact place they’re at is unspecified. The maybe-Endbringer roars, already injuring one of the heroes, and then points at that person with a claw. That’s a death sentence immediately:

The man ignited from the inside out, flame and smoke pouring from every orifice as he was turned into a burned-out husk in a matter of seconds.  His skeleton disintegrated into fine dust and ash as it crashed to the ground.

...okay, I’m sure at least one person must have ended traumatized by this sudden death. Goodness, that’s horrible!

Soon Alexandria is targeted directly, and although she’s invincible, it seems she still needs to breathe. She actually was in danger for a moment while Behemoth – it is Behemoth! – drove her into the ground with fire. Interesting weakness...to think one of the most powerful heroes could die by, say, drowning.

There’s major oil fields near the huge monster that clearly has fire powers to some extent. I’m already marking those oil fields as a total loss, I’m sure those will explode.

Behemoth doesn’t control fire or rocks or earth or lightning. There’s a better way of having all those abilities under the same name.

Her eyes widened.  Not individual powers.  Those were all the same power.  She pressed one hand to her ear, opening communications to the rest of her team. “He’s a dynakinetic!  He manipulates energy!  No Manton limitation!”

I didn’t even know that word existed. Clearly they managed to make Behemoth surrender. No idea how, but they did! Too bad I don’t get to see how, because the moment ends there. Oh well. Maybe it was like it happened with Leviathan – they hit the Endbringer enough and with enough force to convince it to turn around and leave after it caused widespread destruction.

They’d been right after all.  Dumb luck had created a parahuman as dangerous as what the Doctor could create by design.

It’s not like I ever thought Cauldron had created the Endbringers, but it’s somewhat of a relief it’s confirmed they didn’t. Also, what kind of traumatic event would create something like an endbringer? Was this the moment it emerged for the first time? Was the person who turned into Behemoth under the ground? Maybe it was a worker from the oil fields or something.

Next scene. Alexandria swears on the constitution to defend the United States. This must be a public event of some sort, and since it’s her cape identity swearing, I imagine this is the end result of her plan to bend to the government’s regulations – regulations she would impose through her civilian identity. Things went according to plan, I guess!

Her mother is here. Doesn’t seem to me like she returned home, but at least she did see her mother again. That’s the least she could have done, so I’m glad about it. So, this was the moment they founded the Protectorate in front of everyone. Judging by the way everyone is cheering, they did manage to way the public’s feelings about parahumans towards supporting the heroes.

That was a short scene, it changes to seven years later. It takes me a couple lines to realize what this moment may be: the Siberian when it killed Hero™®© because the setting is what I kind of remember it was. Alexandria feels sick because they’re leaving a victim be with whatever’s there. Despite Alexandria’s gray alignment – as far as I’m concerned – she really wants to save lives. Nice to know she has the right purpose despite everything.

Until recently they didn’t know Manton was the Siberian’s real body, but it seems Alexandria thought she was familiar. She may have seen Manton’s daughter before. It was just a feeling of familiarity. I also notice Manton didn’t hesitate to brutally murder someone he had worked before in Cauldron. Did Cauldron care one of their best creations was killed by Manton?

As anyone may have imagined, Hero™®© dying was shocking to everyone. Panic ensued on the bystanders, it was a frantic moment. It’s the kind of situation that would cause more victims, I’m ready to scroll down and see something along the lines of ‘the Siberian lunged through the crowd, tearing apart several unfortunate bystanders’.

Alexandria moved in close, hoping to stop Siberian, to catch her and slow her down, saw Siberian swing, pulled back out of the way.

Her visor fell free, clattering to the ground.  Then she felt the blood.

Saw, in her one remaining good eye, the chunks of her own face that were falling to the ground around her, bouncing off her right breast, the spray of blood.

...okay, it’s more or less what I expected, but it happened on someone I didn’t think it would. Alexandria has gotten mangled! Thank goodness Eidolon has some healing powers, but still! That must hurt!

The next day, it is said Eidolon’s healing couldn’t do much. She has lost her eyesight in one eye, it will be replaced with a glass eye. Can glass eyes see? I don’t think they do, from what little I know. Anyway, the glass eye isn’t what’s important here. What’s important is that the Doctor told Alexandria who exactly the Siberian’s real body is. Alexandria knew all along, yet Manton was left to go around and join the Slaughterhouse Nine, and killing who knows how many people. Trying to save people, huh, Alexandria? By letting a mass murderer go around freely? Well, I imagine Cauldron insisted Manton should be free to do whatever he wants, I guess.

“I suppose he thought he was qualified to oversee all that.  Despite my strict instructions that staff weren’t to partake. Or he had other motivations.  It could have been a gift from a father trying to buy his daughter’s affections.”

So what happened to his daughter was his own fault. He’s taking out his grief over whatever happened to her, and it was his own fault. It’s rather tragic, but I can’t really feel any sympathy over this because I don’t know Manton at all. The Siberian’s role in the story has been to be a mass murderer and no more. It’s a shame, really, because Manton has all the traits of the kind of villain you would feel pity at.

Eidolon maybe knew. I suppose Legend was the only one who didn’t know. Eidolon also knows about the plans and projects Alexandria and the Doctor are concealing. Whatever they are sure didn’t please him. Mr. Wildbow sure is beating around the bush when it’s about those plans! They must be quite a shocking swerve, then.

As I thought, the Doctor says they should let Manton do whatever he wants.

“So long as he’s active, people will be flocking to join the Protectorate-”

Alexandria slammed her hand on the stainless steel table beside her cot.

I’m just glad Alexandria didn’t accept that right away. I’m very glad about it. Unfortunately her objections will be ignored because Manton was left to do whatever he wanted until present day, but it means a lot that she didn’t approve at all.

“You’re right,” the Doctor said.  “I… must be more shaken by Manton’s betrayal than I’d thought.  Forget I said anything.”

As if!

It seems that by the time they saw the Siberian for the first time the Doctor still didn’t have the individual she wanted to turn into...whatever she’s trying to do. Instead she’s now thinking about making the right individual. Perhaps through giving that person powers? In that case, if someone in the present is this individual, then their powers were given by Cauldron, perhaps?

It’s present day, and bombs are raining down. I think it’s the present because this brings to mind the bombing against the Slaughterhouse Nine.

I was wrong, it isn’t. Alexandria is somewhere else that isn’t Brockton Bay, and she’s bringing people into Cauldron the same way she was brought in: find someone who is on the brink of death and offer them life. In the case that’s written right here in the text she doesn’t tell exactly what will happen, but that’s because the guy he rescued was almost dead. In Cauldron’s cells, there are many who are Case 53s, or at least that’s my guess because they’re monstrous. They all have alterations to their memories and fabricated weaknesses, too. The guy Alexandria rescued is given the dose of serum, and he starts undergoing changes. It’s not pleasant, although any powers he gets aren’t shown.

The irony of placing others in the same situation she used to be in isn’t lost on Alexandria. I bet she never thought she’d ever do this too.

Ah, now it is the present day! They’re talking about Manton and about Jack’s role in the end of the world. They just finished their talk, and were ready to stop.

The Doctor turned to Eidolon, “You want another booster shot?”

“Probably another Endbringer attack coming up, it’s best if I’m in top form.”

“A month or two, either Simurgh or Behemoth if they stick to pattern,” Alexandria said. She watched as Legend strode out of the room.  Eidolon paused, then gave the hand signal.  No bugs, and Legend wasn’t listening in.

So the other Endbringers are bound to attack someday? Goodness, one big problem more for the already filled future of Worm. Maybe the problem of knowing the number of arcs ahead is that I keep wondering when there’ll be enough time to cram all the plotlines that are being opened. My guess is that the arcs will get even longer and longer!

That aside, they’re all actively hiding stuff from Legend. He already suspects it, that’s obvious thanks to the lie detector he had been using, but I’m sure they’re hiding a lot of huge stuff. He’s not going to take it well once he realizes the extent of what they’re hiding. Heck, I’m the reader and I’m sure the secrets I have seen so far are just a small part of their bunch of secrets.

“We’ll manage,” the Doctor replied.  “In the worst case scenario, we’ll explain the circumstances, explain our plan.”

“He won’t like it,” Eidolon spoke.

“But he’ll understand,” the Doctor said.  “If the Terminus project is a success, the end of the world isn’t a concern.  And I believe we will succeed.”

I’m pretty sure that the Doctor’s plans of grooming someone and the Terminus project are the same thing. I suppose this means she got someone – possibly the guy Alexandria saved -- and now the project is underway. There’s a chance they’re different projects, but yeah, I’m reasonable sure it’s the same.

“So that leaves only my end of things,” the Doctor said.

“Coil,” Eidolon said.  “And if he fails?”

Ah, there it is. The Cauldron plotline is starting to be tied with Skitter’s plotlines. I was looking forward to finding out how it would be. Perhaps something Coil is doing in Brockton Bay is very important for Cauldron? He does have a huge money debt towards them. Maybe he would do a favor or two for them, even if money isn’t really something he cares a lot about – I imagine. He always can make more.

The end of the world is a troublesome matter because it gives no more time for projects. That should mean the Terminus project will end in the span of the next two years...interesting.

“If we assist him-”

“No,” the Doctor spoke.  “If we assist him, there’s no point.”

“In short?” Alexandria leaned forward, resting her elbows on the table.  “He doesn’t even know it, but everything rests on his shoulders.”

You know what this means? Skitter is going to inadvertently ruin the Protectorate and Cauldron’s plans at once. Whatever Coil has to do or they’re relying on surely needs his resources and everything he has, so if he loses it, he won’t be able to do anything. It’s possible that simply being alive is enough for him to be of use to Cauldron, but I don’t think so. I really can’t wait to see how Skitter ruins everything and possibly dooms the world when she defeats Coil. This is going to be fun.

That was the interlude. It was pretty interesting! I was glad to see more of Cauldron, honestly they’re starting to be the most interesting force in this story. Even more interesting than the Undersiders, I’d dare to say. I hope they and their plans appear more often in the story.

Next time I suppose the next arc will start? Last chapter had a nice ending for an arc, I would be kind of surprised if the arc continued further.

Next time: next update

[scripttorture]

My question is basically: in the scenario I describe, do you think I should go with or without torture as a referenced thing that happened? The situation is this- my character’s father has been dead for seven years, but I thought that what if, instead of being killed by the monster he was faced with at the time, he was injured by it and then captured by a group of bad guys. This is set in the Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild universe and the bad guys in question are the Yiga Clan, (1/9)

who alternate between a comical and threatening presence in the game. They are presented as a tribe of assassins, but the reason why they decide to take my character’s father alive is that they saw him using a rare kind of magic and either want him to teach it to them or want to get him to use it for them. (It’s hereditary so he can’t teach it to anyone but his daughter, but they don’t know that and he will neglect to inform them that anyone else has the same abilities.) (2/9) Most likely they want him to do something with his magic when their idol (Ganon, The Big Bad) returns or possibly something that they think would help him return. Where the question of torture comes in is, I need him to still be alive and capable of going with an escape attempt after seven years. So, whether or not they get the notion to try torturing at any point, it obviously can’t be super regular or prolonged over this period. I thought maybe one or two incidents toward the beginning (3/9) of his captivity, which were ordered to stop when they realized they would have to keep him alive for an undetermined amount of time and that’s easier when you aren’t treating extra injuries, but I’m not sure that would really add anything other than acknowledging the fact that someone in there probably got the notion to go “hey if he won’t teach us that magic what if we punch him and ask again” and may not have been turned down. Or they may have, (4/9) or they may not have brought it up at all because the Leader didn’t ask them to. Alternately, I could lean into their comical side and say that, while they got the idea to try “torturing” they don’t actually know how to do that. They’re assassins, they usually just kill, they don’t really know what to do with prisoners, it’s been a long time since they split off from another group that may have known torture techniques in the service of the now-destroyed kingdom. In which case it would be (5/9) things like “ohoho what if we give him his food... WITHOUT ANY bananas? he’ll be MISERABLE” (they are obsessed with bananas) played for a weird kind of humor. On the other hand I don’t want to imply that if they’d tried “REAL” torture it might have worked. Possibly the punching and asking again was tried once toward the beginning, then the comical “no bananas” one was tried later and neither one accomplished anything? I don’t want to say he spent seven years underground (6/9) surrounded by a comical murderous weirdo cult and “nothing really happened” in that time until his rescue but I don’t want to shoe in something like Actual Torture Attempts when it isn’t necessary. I could fill his time with escape attempts and/or trying to get information. Final thing: his daughter is going to break him out with the help of the Hero and a friend who defected from the Yiga Clan. This friend’s mother is going to take leadership of the clan but is meant to reform somewhat. (7/9) My character (the one whose father is imprisoned) could funnel her anger at his imprisonment towards the previous leader but if she finds out he was tortured (or weird attempts were made at it) she could have more trouble coming to a grudging, still pretty angry acceptance that her friend’s mother exists and is the way she is and probably shouldn’t be magically lit on fire. Or she could compartmentalize and say the friend’s mother never ordered anything like that, or may have even (8/9) turned a blind eye to her father’s final escape. This was a lot of detail but again the main questions are: does that seem like torture attempts would add or detract, and would it be in poor taste to include something like the “no bananas” scene? (9/9)

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While I’d never played a Zelda game when I got this ask I am now one of Those People who got a switch in response to not being able to go outside. (They had pokemon, I was weak). And I’ve put a lot of hours into Breath of the Wild since. It’s a beautifully realised setting and I can see the appeal of writing something set in that world.

 Humour is a very subjective thing. Whatever we do there are always going to be people that the jokes don’t land for. I’ve (mostly) got positive responses to my humour but I have had incidents both here and on my AO3 page where people took exception to it. And that’s a lot more likely to happen when we’re dealing with serious topics.

 That said, I do think that we need humour about the things that scare us. There’s nothing quite as potent and satisfying as making our fears ridiculous.

 If you’re considering using humour in a torture/kidnap/POW situation (whatever you decide re torture the story definitely contains some of these elements) then the main thing to consider is this: what are we actually laughing at?

 This kind of humour is mostly likely to backfire or be outright hurtful when it can be interpreted as laughing at the victims. Or at the existence of traumatic events. And it’s most likely to work consistently when it’s aimed at the abusers.

 From the way you’ve described this it sounds like the joke is on the Yiga clan. As it is in the game itself. (I have enjoyed the assassination attempts by enraged ‘banana salesmen’.) If you wanted to continue the pattern the game set I think a lot of fellow fans would enjoy this humour.

 But the main question here is about when we should use torture in a story. And how we judge whether it’s adding anything.

 Personally I start by thinking about the tone and themes of the story. The kind of atmosphere I want to capture and kinds of character interactions I want to write.

 Then I try to think through the impact torture would have on the narrative in terms of knock on effects. So, symptoms in victims/survivors, witnesses and torturers but also effects on culture, community and organisations.

 It would probably be easiest for me to break this down with an example or two.

 I’ve talked briefly about both of these stories before. One of them takes place about two decades after a military coup ousted an absolute monarchy. Ilāra, one of the major characters, was embedded in the old regime and tortured people. They were also tortured by the regime and helped make the coup successful.

 And part of the impact torture has on the story is in Ilāra's symptoms. But it’s also in the way other characters relate to them. Normal people are afraid of them or disgusted/enraged at the sight of them. They’re ostracised by their own community and treated with contempt by their military superiors.

 One of the major themes running through the story is the question of how we deal with people we love when they’ve done horrific things. And how countries, cultures, move on from atrocities.

 Most of the major characters aren’t Ilāra's generation, they’re the kids who came afterwards. The people who just about remember the Revolt but grew up in a world without the monarchy. They’re navigating a legacy of blood and bitterness, things that aren’t their fault but nevertheless have shaped the world they live in.

 Part of it is about how the children Ilāra helped raise respond to this personal (and national) history. How they try to square the fact that this person was good (and in some ways defining) for them, while being monstrous to others.

 I felt that torture would add to this story because the point of it is those fault lines. In society at large and in personal relationships. It’s about exploring how we try to bridge or heal those fault lines and how, sometimes, we make them deeper.

 Torture (and indeed the other atrocities that are part of the country’s legacy) serve to raise the stakes. They deepen that initial emotional trench between the characters. And they also… Pull the camera back I suppose? The story may be about a single family but it isn’t an individual story. It’s about how larger patterns of abuse effect everyone in a society. Torture serves to make it about the culture, the country, instead of just the individuals within it.

 There are similar ideas in the other story I’m working on, societal divides and how we bridge them, but I think there’s a slightly different focus.

 Both of these stories are fantasy stories, but while Ilāra's story is in a sort of circa 1900s past Kibwe’s is in the future. It’s extrapolating the political oppression and systems from the places I’m interested in (in this case India, the Philippines, Kenya and Nigeria.)

 The story takes place across generations starting when Kibwe was a teenager but continuing to his daughter’s formative years and into his children becoming independent adults.

 And there’s torture in this story because the entire family is involved in politics. Because I grew up knowing that the natural consequence of acting for major political reform/justice was arrest and torture.

 The story is about trying to change unjust systems and generational violence. It’s also about the unhealthy ways people can engage in activism, putting the theoretical good of the community above their health and their families/friends.

 I didn’t really have to think about including torture in any depth, it was a natural fit. In fact I’m not sure I could talk about politics in any meaningful way without talking about torture.

 So some more specific questions that might help with your story. Is the structure of the Yiga clan important to the story? Is the effect they have on society at large important to the story? Is this primarily an individual/personal story or one with a wider focus?

 There aren’t ‘wrong’ answers to those questions, it’s about what you want to write.

 Do you want a more personal focus with the relationships between the major characters being more important then the world at large? I think of this as a character focused (as opposed to a character driven) story.

 For instance in the Lord of the Rings trilogy while we care about every member of the fellowship the important thing throughout, the focus, is the destruction of the ring and the systems that are harming all of Middle Earth. By contrast in Howl’s Moving Castle we care about the war and the fate of the missing Prince, but the important thing is what happens to the girls from the hat shop.

 Both of these approaches to a story can include torture in a meaningful way. It can add to both kinds of stories. But it’s generally adding different things.

 In a character focused story (with the kind of plot you’re writing) torture is mostly adding a sudden change to all of the relationships a character has. There might be focus on symptoms, a recovery arc, character development etc but the first and most obvious thing it’s adding is a major change to how these characters interact.

 In a story that’s more focused on the big picture of the world torture can add world building elements and it can be used to map out divisions and allegiances in the societies you write.

 Part of the reason I’m making this distinction is that in this scenario you can very easily tell a character focused story with trauma-recovery and not have torture. Kidnap and seven years imprisonment is enough to be traumatising.

 That doesn’t mean torture couldn’t/wouldn’t add anything to that story. But it might not be necessary for the story you want to tell and the focus you want it to have.

 On the other hand if this is primarily a broader story about communities and cultures growing and changing, the decision of whether or not to include torture has much more potential to direct the plot. It could create opposition to reforming the Yiga clan, both inside the clan (wanting to stick with how things are) and outside it (with people wanting it utterly destroyed).

 Different factions and cultures might band together on the basis of shared opposition to the Yiga clan. And the clan’s reformation could effect those allegiances.

 There could also be knock on effects based on where the clan operates: cultures that have been targetted by them in the past might not want this new ‘reformed’ (and more obvious) Yiga clan on their lands. And that in turn could stir up trouble within the clan because hey they’ve been here for generations it’s their home too!

 There are lots of ways torture could add to this plot and these characters. It could also feed in to broader themes.

 For instance the main character and her father haven’t seen each other for seven years. The difference between how we remember or idolise someone and the way they actually are is a theme you could add to here. The Yiga clan is going to end up reformed: what does it take for people to accept that reformation and forgive? The main character is friends with a former Yiga assassin: how do we process the fact people we care about might have hurt others?

 That isn’t an exhaustive list, I’m just throwing out ideas to see if anything interests you.

 In terms of timing and character being physically able to escape I think you’re already hit on a pretty good idea.

 Torturers don’t tend to stop when ordered to. Part of the reason a lot of organisations reject torturers is because they… tend to disobey orders. A lot.

 So if you wanted to write a scenario where this character is initially tortured and then held for a much longer time without torture the realistic way to do that is to have the character transferred from the ‘care’ of one group of Yigas to another. Torturers tend to exist in groups as sub-cultures within larger organisations. Which means that their presence in an organisation does not necessarily indicate that everyone in the organisation supports/carries out torture.

 You could even have the Yiga’s take a (perhaps half-hearted) anti-torture stance and have them punish the torturers.

 Wrapping up, the decision of whether or not to include torture is up to you. I can see ways it could add to your story but the points and themes I’ve spoken about might not be things you’re interested in.

 Just because an element could add to a story doesn’t necessarily mean it’s adding something you want. There’s nothing wrong with deciding that an element doesn’t interest you, takes the story in a direction you like less or causes more stress then you want as you write it.

 Ultimately the question is whether you want to write torture. And there’s no wrong answer to that question.

 I hope that helps. :)

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Disclaimer

[imayhatemyselfinthemorning]

I dare you to search for the gaslighted girl.

You won’t need to look for long. She’s unmistakable, all quiet guarded energy and reserved smiles. Her eyes tell stories of wisdom beyond her years, of pain that’s unfathomable to the average human being. There’s a haunting glossiness to them, a river of tears that’s washed the sparkle right out of the very fabric of her soul, and her smile never quite reaches them. Her arms are the most telling, often hugging herself tight one way or another. She’s not cold, I promise; she’s just so used to holding herself together that her body can’t help but show it.

When you walk up to her, there’ll be a flash of fear. Don’t take it personally, it’s not because of you – it’s because of him. It’s because the one that came before you most likely a man who was absolutely perfect in his first moments. He is disease that has left her with more symptoms than she can count, with scars unseen and memories that she cannot move past, and she hasn’t quite figured out the cure yet. Maybe it’s been a few weeks, maybe it’s been a few months; her ghost is still alive and well, lingering in the depths of her fears. To the gaslighted girl, men are treacherous and hateful human beings that are not to be trusted.

I dare you to talk to the gaslighted girl, to find out what makes her tick.

She’ll have no idea why you’re talking to her, out of all of the people around– because trust me, she doesn’t go alone anywhere anymore. She no longer trusts her own judgement, her own intuition now her worst enemy because he’d twisted it around on her more times than she cares to count. She’s been called psychotic, crazy, insane, overbearing, assuming and embarassing. She’s been told every day for however long she held onto him that her mind was playing a joke on her – and she might even think that you’re one of them because the greatest lesson he ever taught her was that monsters don’t always look as fearsome as they truly are.

She won’t pursue you, even if she’s attracted to you. You’ll need to actually show you want her. She needs to know that you aren’t going anywhere, that you’re understanding that she’s not easy, because she’s anything but simple. Men like her ex have an incredible ability to always find complicated victims for their games and women with broken wings make for exceptional targets.

You’ll find that she’s the strongest in the room when it comes to her emotions. Her walls tower over anyone that dares to get close, and these structures will be yours to slowly bring down – don’t rush her, either. She needs time to feel you out, time to decide whether or not she should trust you. Trust is not given by her; it is earned, slowly but surely, and it is the most powerful thing she can give you.

I dare you to try for the gaslighted girl.

She’s beginning to trust you at this point, tentatively at best. You’ll find her observance unnerving at times, her critical thinking constantly in play because she’s always analyzing everything around her. While your biggest question is where to go for dinner, she’s running through a hundred possibilities a minute. Is he lying? Is that girl really just his friend? Does he really want this? Why does he want me and not her? She doesn’t even know how to stop it at first because this is new. Secure and safe are not familiar to her; it’s an anomaly. Pay attention to her actions and learn her quirks. Give her anxious mind the rest it needs and reassure her with the simplest of words.

You’ll learn that it’s not hard to impress her. It’s a benefit of her shit of an ex – who you’ve no doubt been compared to thousands of time because she’s making sure that you aren’t anything like him, and by this point you resent him for trying to harm the woman you’re unraveling. Doing something special for her was a rare occasion, if at all. He liked to spend his time, his love and his money on other dalliances – in most cases, other women. Make her feel valued. Send her flowers just because, text her good morning, just little things to make her feel appreciated – because she does. She deserves to feel like you are her world, because she’s treated everyone she’s ever loved like that and never felt it in return.

I dare you to fall in love with the gaslighted girl, if you haven’t already.

It’s happened slowly for her, but for you it might be at warp speed. Someday you’ll tell your children that the second you saw her, you fell. Don’t feel bad if she’s not where you are, it’s just her protective instincts coming through. With every honest conversation, each quiet moment where you let her open up with no judgement, she gives a little more of herself to you. She takes her time because when she falls, she’s all in. She doesn’t give up, doesn’t let go or run. She just needs to know that when she finally lets herself fall for you, she’s not falling in love with the idea of a man or a memory of who you were when they met.

Take special care of the gaslighted girl if she decides to give you her heart. Please understand that she does not do it lightly. She has thought about every way it could go wrong, every single path where you could destroy her like he did. She, beautifully broken she, is putting her faith in you and that’s not something she does often. You are experiencing one of the great wonders of the world: a heart reborn by true and honest love. She is a marvel, and you should treat her as such every day of your life. Trust me when I say that however much you give, she will give tenfold.

I dare you to marry the gaslighted girl, because you won’t be able to imagine life without her.

She’s caring, she’s kind, she’s frustrating, she’s supportive, she’s blunt, she’s driven, she’s strong, she’s open and honest and everything you never thought she could be on the night that you met her. You realize that this isn’t because she’s changing, but because she’s trusting you. She’s allowing herself to just be, to not fear every move. She’s talking about the future like it’s going to happen because she doesn’t just love you. She adores you, and that in itself is a miracle because she never thought she would love again. She never thought that she could feel this way with someone like you. She’s figured out somewhere throughout your path together that there’s a reason that none of the other partners she tried this with didn’t work out, and it’s not because of her. It was because of them, because she was still finding her way. She was getting to you as fast as she could and those other loves that came before you were just roadblocks.

When you propose, do something special. Do something that makes her feel your love all the way into her bones, that reaffirms to her that you are the one for her. She’ll need one little last push to the answer you’re praying for, because this is a terrifyingly beautiful moment for her. There’s a good chance that she was married before, and doing this is opening her life up to a whole bundle of things that could go wrong. She might even have children from a previous relationship to think about, and the scars from her past are still deep enough for her to wince in pain every now and then. Make it a moment where you show how much you truly know her, something she can hold onto forever – because she will, there’s no hiding it. You’ll notice that she rarely lets go of anything, and this is something she’ll keep close whenever she has doubts about your relationship.

If you’ve taken the steps listed above, I congratulate you. You’ve fallen in love with the kind of woman that still believes in forever. Treat her well, my brave man. Give her the world and she’ll do the same for you. Be better than those who came before you and love her forever, because that’s the way love should be.

-a.r.

[evilqueens]

Happy Valentine’s Day to @InsideParrilla on Twitter! Sorry for the late posting, I had school today. 

This whole thing became a monster, so I guess this can be considered the start of a new verse for me. It’s based on one of my favorite book series, Delirium.

I really hope you enjoy the beginning, and I will be posting the entire first part this weekend. (: I hope you had an amazing day today, and many thanks to @lovefromoq for putting this event together! 💕

(link for ao3)

Regina still cries sometimes. The anniversary of her father’s death is one of those times.

She wonders if that’s something that would upset him. Anyone else would find it alarming, perhaps even enough to report her. But her father had always been a bit more lenient about these things than anyone else, despite the surgical procedure he’d had that was supposed to make him feel otherwise.

It was twenty years before her father had been born when the government had identified love as an official disease. An umbrella disorder under which many other disorders had been reclassified as symptoms, like depression, anxiety, insomnia. And by the time her father had turned eighteen a cure had been all but perfected to keep the public safe against love.

It’d become a mandatory operation — a surgery on the brain, performed on the spot of the head just behind the ear. It was a clean procedure by the time her father had gotten it, leaving behind nothing but three small dots as evidence. A scar most people wore proudly as the mark against amor deliria nervosa.

The wind picks up as Regina stares out at the tides, stinging her tear-stained cheeks and making a mess of her hair. She takes a quick glance around to make sure no one’s there to witness her crying. But she knows she’s safe; it’s too cold to be at the beach. She used to complain whenever her father would drag her out here during temperatures like this, claiming the cold air was refreshing for the mind.

And detrimental to the immune system, she would argue. Then he’d wrap an arm around her — unusual for Cureds, to show any sort of physical affection — and make some sort of teasing compliment about how good a doctor she is. Usually followed by some ridiculous quip of him having learned not to fear everything in nature just because it might pose a danger to him.

The longer Regina has thought about that, the deeper it seems to ring true.

Her father had never outwardly supported the cause against the deliria — not the way most everyone else does. He didn’t cringe away from talk of the deliria the way most people around Regina do. He had secret stashes of banned books and music that Regina had rifled through on more than one occasion when she was younger. The bulk of it had been made well before the official classification of the disease, and the books glorified it, their authors unaware. And the music was full of haunting melodies belting the ugly effects of the deliria that still send a shiver down Regina’s spine whenever she thinks about them.

She never knew why her father held on to those items. It wasn’t safe by any means, and had anyone else ever come across the stashes Regina’s sure he would’ve been accused of being a Sympathizer, a resister to the fight against the deliria.

She brings a hand up behind her ear, rubbing at her procedural scar. She’d gotten the cure two months after her eighteenth birthday. Procedures before the age of eighteen aren’t generally allowed — too many dire side-effects can occur. Though doctors are working hard to make the cure safe for everyone, for now people have to wait until at least eighteen — sometimes older, depending on results of a mandatory physical — unless under extreme circumstances.

Regina used to fear getting the cure when she was younger, more than contracting the deliria itself (though she’d never admit that to anyone). Though she’d never fallen victim of the deliria, her anxiety before the cure had been through the roof, and it had taken everything in her to suppress the panic that had welled up in her the day of her procedure.

She remembers one of the nurses helping her that day had caught a stray tear before Regina could wipe it away, and had tried to ease her worries. “After this, you won’t have reasons to cry again. You’ll be safe.”

Regina scoffs now at the memory, wiping away another tear. Out in the cold, deserted beach, with nothing but sad memories to keep her company, she wonders what she’d done to warrant being so unfortunate.

She also can’t help but wonder what that nurse’s misconception means for her safety.

—

Regina’s first thought about the new nurse on duty is that he’s gorgeous — and she’s immediately alarmed by it. It’s not the first time she’s had that thought about a person, but it is the first time it’s felt anything but objective. The first time since having been cured, anyway.

He’s not very tall. On the days she wears heels (which is more often than not), she’s almost eye-level with him. She thinks this makes things more difficult for her. It gives her a better view of his blue eyes, and the dimples that often peak out when he speaks or smiles (and he smiles a lot, more than anyone else around here).

The tingle she’d felt shoot up her arm when he’d shaken her hand and introduced himself as Robin was one she’d had trouble shaking off for the rest of the day.

She avoids him at first, irritated at the way his gaze leaves a warm feeling in her chest. She’s dismissive, and doesn’t let herself spend more time than she needs to in his immediate proximity. She cuts any conversations with him short at the first opportunity. She doesn’t meet his eyes when he speaks to her, opting to busy herself with whatever’s close by. One day he catches her without anything around for her to toy with, and she finds herself mentally connecting the dots of his procedural scar as he goes over a form with her.

He calls her out on her elusiveness one day.

“I’m cured, you know,” he comments out of the blue while she fills out a prescription form.

She looks up in confusion as he leans an elbow on the counter next to her. “What?”

He smirks at her, the appearance of his dimples causing an unwanted distraction. “Ever since I started here, you’ve been avoiding me like we’re a pair of teenagers. So I just wanted to let you know that I am cured, and you have nothing to worry about.”

She fights down a blush, bristling at his accusation, even though it’s more or less true. She bites back, “I’m perfectly aware.”

“I don’t have any other disease either, for the record,” he quips before she can say anything else. “I was cleared before being allowed to work here.” His smirk doesn’t let up.

“I’m sure you have a clean bill of health.” She glares at him. “And I’m not avoiding you,” she lies. She rips the prescription form off its pack with more force than necessary.

“Could’ve fooled me,” he mutters as she moves around him to get back to her patient’s room.

She throws another glare over her shoulder. “Well you’ll have to excuse me if I have better things to do here than stand around and chat with you.”

She leaves before he can respond, unwilling to give him a chance to point out that her hasty retreat helps his point more than hers.

Determined to prove him wrong, Regina stops dodging him after that. Robin notices, she can tell by the amusement in the smiles he gives her for the following week, but he thankfully doesn’t comment on it. He takes full advantage of the end of her evasiveness however, engaging her in more conversations. And she wills her heartbeat to steady when he’s standing too close, or when his voice lowers to throw a joke or a light tease in her direction.

She watches him, in spite of herself. He has a warm demeanor, one the kids he tends to pick up on immediately. He doesn’t cross the line of propriety, but he tends to near it more often than not; comments here and there that one might consider more playful than than what’s considered normal. He’s drawn a giggle or two out of children before — but aside from a sideways glance from uninterested parents, no one seems to notice anything particularly out of the ordinary. And it occurs to Regina more than once that the only reason she’s noticed it herself is because she pays him too much attention.

And he’s noticed, she thinks. Or perhaps, he also just pays her more attention than he should. In any case, he takes any opportunity he can to talk to her. From often needless information on the children he’s prepped for her to see, to offhand comments about the weather, not a day goes by that he doesn’t attempt a conversation while they work together.

She thinks it should bother her — she’s never been one to have patience for those on the chattery side, her low tolerance for the secretary Ruby being a good example. And as it is, her encounters with Robin do leave her annoyed — but not so much with him. Instead she’s irritated at how unbothered she is by his presence, at how she might even like it.

She’s too aware of him when he’s near. Aware enough to become familiarized with the timbre of his voice, and the shade of blue his eyes are. Aware enough to know that he smells of pine trees, and that the bottom circle of his procedural scar is a just a little bit crooked (and she wonders where he got his procedure; were they careless about it?). She feels his absence more than she thinks she should on his days off, and it leaves her feeling a little off-kilter going those days without talking to him. She’s too aware.

She’s treating a little boy with an ear infection one day, a particularly bad one that she can only assume worsened due to negligence. Her guess is all but proven when Robin exits the examination room and tells her that the reason the boy wasn’t brought in sooner was because his mother had a short business trip to make. The lack of interest from the mother in question is apparent when Regina enters the room and barely receives a reply to her hello.

It’s one of the most common side-effects of the Cure — for people to be unable to form a parental attachment to their children. It’s not new for Regina to come across parents who aren’t particularly worried for the well-being of the children they bring in. There are extreme cases, of course, ones she’s allowed to report if the child’s life seems to be in imminent danger. But those are rare, and despite the unwanted tug in her heart at seeing this little boy feeling so obviously miserable, she knows there’s not much she can do besides prescribe him his antibiotics.

She can’t help casually asking for assurance from his mother that the boy will be monitored and given his medicine, however. She’s told that the housekeeper will be put in charge of administering the boy’s medication, but the answer doesn’t do much to relieve the tightening of Regina’s chest as she clears them both to leave.

She fills a paper cup with water she doesn’t think she’s gonna drink, trying to buy herself time to better compose herself.

“I would assume the housekeeper will be diligent about the medicine,” she hears Robin lightly say. She looks up to see him reach for a paper cup of his own as he continues, “If only to make sure she keeps her job.”

“I’m sure he’ll be fine.” She tries to school her face, but the way he looks at her tells her she doesn’t succeed.

He gives her a smile. “He seemed like a trooper,” he agrees. “I think I even saw a bit of a smile when Ruby handed him his lollipop in the waiting area.”

The corners of Regina’s mouth twitch up despite herself at the notion, and the invisible weight on her chest lightens up a little. It’s replaced with a different form of anxiety at Robin’s next words, however.

His smile fades, and he studies her for a moment before softly declaring, “You care about these children.” There’s a certain weight to his words that Regina can’t discern, but it leaves her feeling uneasy.

She stays silent, unsure of how to respond without sounding defensive. Because she suddenly feels defensive — the unidentifiable meaning in his comment has her feeling almost accused. And though she’s not exactly sure of what, she’s also not sure she can truthfully say she’s not guilty.

The corners of Robin’s mouth twitch up again. “It’s refreshing,” he tells her. “At least someone around here is good at their job.” He gives her a playful wink.

It doesn’t fully ease the anxiety of his earlier implication, but the compliment still warms her. The anxious flip flopping in her stomach takes a lighter tone. Almost like butterflies.

[vohalika]

I suffer for my art

For an article appearing on thefandomentals.com, I actually sat down (with a lot of booze) and subjected myself to watching the Lightning Thief movie again. Here are unfiltered live notes, so everyone can suffer with me.

(Why yes I do channel cinema sins. just a little bit)

·         The first 10 seconds do away with the one core rule of the franchise; as Poseidon for some reason steps out of a river, a fisherman SEES him. The books avoid this by having a thing called “mist” exist that keeps mortals from seeing ancient greek mythology stuff going on. Unless, of course, that particular fisherman was blessed with clear sight and is destined to be the next oracle. Suck it, Rachel.

·         Oh god, Sean Bean is in this movie, and he doesn’t even die. That alone says everything about the quality you need to know.

·         Why the fuck are they meeting in mortal forms on the empire state building? Yes, that’s where Olympus is, but Olympus is metaphysically ABOVE the fucking building, not the deck they’re on, which would be crowded at any and all times of day.

·         Okay. So they meet here to discuss exposition. Zeus knows Poseidon has a son. Zeus is also to blame for Poseidon never contacting said son. I mean, technically it’s a pact the two of you made with your other brother after he spawned Hitler and a world war happened, but, uh, is that even canon to this movie?

·         Okay, Sean Bean establishes the summer solstice as a deadline. Keep that in mind. SUMMER SOLSTICE.

·         Why do we put the plot into the first three seconds of the film? Was Columbus afraid we’d fall asleep after this and wouldn’t be able to catch up?

·         Okay real talk Logan LErman would have been the perfect Percy about 5 years before this movie was made. He grew up a little too baby faced to still be a good fit for battle hardened don’t fuck with me Percy of the follow up series, but still, such a missed opportunity.

·         Okay so Percy regularly hangs out at the bottom of the swimming pool for 7 minutes to think. That’s, ah. Weird. You know. If you do that regularly, people might notice. And Grover, whose job is to keep him safe, and also to technically keep him from realizing he’s not quite human, is encouraging this. Because. Sure. Why not.

·         OKAY. SO. They kept the NAME of the school, but not the boarding school aspect. They turned Mrs. Dodds into an English teacher so she could make a joke about the word fury in Othello. And they choose to establish the dyslexia and ADHD thing during dialogue while not actually showing any ADHD symptoms. I can’t quite talk about how well they do with the dyslexia, but from what we see, it’s the letters just fogging over and randomly turning into Greek letters which is not how it is described in the books at all. Seems more like Percy needs glasses here.

·         Oh my fucking god. Gabe comes home, sits down in the uncomfortable kitchen chair, demands beer and smacks Sally on the ass, and both Percy and Sally treat him like a rude house guest maybe, not like the abusive asshole he’s actually supposed to be. Percy even stands up to him and thinks it’s necessary to explain that this is his mother and he will not have her sexualized in this kitchen. Gah.

·         How can this house both be Gabe’s while at the same time, he never held down a job?

·         Also Percy comes into the pretty house at the ground floor and calls for his mother who is like on the third floor. Is that entire house theirs? If so, damn, Gabe is a rich unemployed white trash person.

·         Oh and now Poseidon just randomly wanders around New York to stalk his son amazing

·         Percy wears headphones during the plot related exposition at the MOA

·         At least he’s fidgeting now. That’s progress.

·         OKAY. So Ms. Dodds pulls Percy aside in the middle of the lesson, and Grover and Mr. Brunner can totally leave too to help him. They also cut the action sequence but sure, whatever.

·         Percy gets weirdly ableist when Grover says he’s his protector. Like, in the books Percy’s objection to that was that Grover was constantly being bullied and Percy had to stand up for him.

·         In fact, Percy and Grover could possibly pass for cool kids here; neither of them look like losers. Percy is pretty and has amazing abs. That’s… Completely contrary to how book!Percy feels. Like, he gets better once he reaches the age where boys stop looking like cave trolls, but, uh, that takes a while.

·         Then they go home to Sally, Grover downs Gabe, and they run off, and Gabe’s poker buddies just let them be. What.

·         They start conversation about the father while the sun is setting in New York City, and only commence it in the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere

·         The minotaur who just toppled their car is suddenly all the way up the hill. Wow.

·         Sexist edit: In the books, Percy’s mom explains to him how to fight the minotaur. Here, he just kinda figures it out himself.

·         Okay. Two dumb things: With the mom evaporated just before the camp gates, why do they fight the minotaur at all? In the books, Percy is half a mile away from the camp when the showdown happens and he fights to save himself and his mom. Here, he just charges out there to avenge his mom even though the magical gate is right there.

·         Second: instead of going for his sword, the actual weapon, Percy goes for the horn stuck in the tree, almost getting skewered himself. Now, the narrative for some reason rewards him for this, but this is just dumb. And there was also no indication that the horn was going to work better than the sword, which is also right there and not stuck in a tree.

·         The fury roughed him up more than the minotaur did, and yet this is the part where he falls unconscious

·         Grover is BUFF

·         He’s supposed to be a scrawny loser kid with anxiety issues

·         Also nursing Percy is Annabeth’s part. This is important. Ish.

·         Yeah, okay, Grover giving Percy the tour is… Unfortunate. In the books, there were actual adults giving him these talks, and also Annabeth, and you get the feeling Satyrs are veeeeery low on the pecking order. Also, Mr Brunner was there to actually take him seriously

·         Also, the camp just looks wrong. Way wrong.

·         UGH

·         UUUUUGH

·         OKAY

·         We’re introduced to BRUNETTE Annabeth while a bunch of people do badly choreographed battle around her. This is wrong. This is so wrong.

·         Annabeth is good in a fight, yeah. But her main asset is her brain. And the first glimpses we get of her is taking care of Percy, both nursing him and giving him the tour, because she piecing together how he fits into a prophecy that concerns her and is her ticket out of there.

·         Also they kind of combine her role in this movie with that of Clarisse, who is a daughter of Ares and a bully like the ones Percy never had to face here. I have no idea why they did that, and it’s even more ridiculous since Clarisse appears in the sequel.

·         Why did they have to put more than one centaur in here, they’re supposed to be party animals roaming the countryside, EXCEPT for Mr. Brunner who is Chiron fuck everything

·         Okay. They also conflated the daughters of Aphrodite with the naiads that are around, and both groups would NEVER give Grover the time of day. Buuut I guess considering where this leads, we do have to play up his sex appeal, huh?

·         OKAY. The cabins in the books are actual fancy and pretty houses, befitting Greek gods. Being claimed by a god is also a special thing, and the fact that it is special contributes greatly to the 5 book story arc. Here, they just shove Percy into a weird wooden structure full of sailing paraphernalia specifically built for him.

·         Okay so apparently the only danger kids of the big 3 pose is making the other big 3 jealous for some reason, not because they literally kicked off the world wars

·         And apparently, Gabe’s smell isn’t supposed to keep monsters away, but the other gods?!

·         Well I mean everyone seems to have known about Percy, sooo

·         Also Percy has no way to integrate into camp or anything , has no connection to any of these people, anything

·         Luke is missing a scar, and is also completely creepy from the get go

·         Why do we keep getting meaningful close ups of Annabeth, what is she supposed to mean to anyone at this point

·         Why was she fighting with a knife minutes ago and is nnow using a bow and arrow, it’s Athena not Artemis

·         This game of cpture the flag is stupid

·         And also undercuts Annabeth’s actual point

·         In the books this involved like tactics and shit

·         But like, I commend the script for making Percy lampshade how ridiculous this all is

·         It’s just that capture the flag had a narrative purpose, too, which is null and voide when he was already claimed

·         Also Percy is such an idiot for just going for the flag like that

·         Annabeth has boob plate

·         "My mother is goddess of wisdom and battle strategy. You know what that means?" - IT MEANS YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO TAKE OFF YOUR HELMET WHILE FACING AN ENEMY WITH A SWORD.

·         AND ALSO YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO MONOLOGUE AT AN OPPONENT

·         WHAT IS HER BEEF WITH PERCY? Yes, he rudely stared at you for a while, but why do you need to cut him up like that?!

·         She just beats him down and nobody does a thing they all just stand around staring what the fuck

·         And then everyone cheers when she’s done beating down the completely untrained new kid?! WHAT THE FUCK

·         ArE YOU ALL BRAAVOSI WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON

·         THERE ARE BLUE FORCES RIGHT BEHIND YOUR FLAG WHY ARE THEY NOT DOING ANYTHING

·         Percy, who already knows he’s a son of Poseidon needs to be told by divine intervention to go to the water, the only place he actually liked before

·         Brief contact with water then turns him into superman and has him actually sort of beat Annabeth

·         Though not as cruelly as she beat him

·         And then everyone just lets him walk to the flag. Why the fuck.

·         You know who actually figured out how the water powers worked? Annabeth!

·         You know who actually made a battle plan to get the flag for the blue team? ANNABETH!

·         Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah

·         Percy gets party invitations. The fuck.

·         Annabeth chases them away and then flirts with him for some reason. Percy is also completely turned on by a public beat down.

·         “I definitely have strong feelings for you” whaaaat the fuck. Whaaaaaaat the fuck. This is soooo weird.

·         WHERE IS MY FIVE BOOK AWKWARD PUBERTY SLOW BURN

·         Oh hello flame demon. How nice of you to just show up like that and deliver the plot to us

·         Okay. So. Hades wants the bolt, but outright states that he doesn’t have it. So far, the plans are to talk to one of two enraged gods and convince them he didn’t take the bolt. That’s…Not much of a plan at all unless someone here knows how to cast a zone of truth spell or something

·         Hades now comes along and offers his mom in exchange for the bolt, instead of being framed for everything like in the books, and the camp counsellors just… leave Percy alone after that?

·         Like, not only Grover, but the random chick who brutally tore into him in front of a crowd figured out he was going to bail without ever receiving a tiny bit of training, guys. This is stupid.

·         Annabeth wants a quest. Sweetheart, this is not a quest. There is a protocol to these things, as you would know. A god has to assign it, there has to be a clear objective, and at least according to camp regulations, a prophecy, and the entire thing has to be official. But sure. Tag along with the random unprepared kid who’s going to get his mom.

·         OH THAT’S JUST GREAT YEAH Annabeth would not know how to get to the underworld, she has to go ask A MAN for info SOMEONE SHOOT ME

·         Luke is in a completely empty cabin with a gaming console and flat screens and pokes fun at the ren faire feel

·         Luke, Annabeth has daddy issues completely independent from her godly parent but okay fine

·         YEAH LUKE LECTURE US ON GREEK MYTHOLOGY

·         NO NOT LIKE THAT

·         Okay so my personal interpretation of Persephone is more that of an ancient times beauty and the beast kind of deal, so that she’s not entirely unhappy

·         Also like, Greek mythology has a maaaaaajor Madonna/whore complex. Maaaaajor. And while she’s not one of the chastity goddesses, Persephone kiiiinda doesn’t fall in the dedicated adulteress part of that spectrum

·         But foreshadowing. I get it.

·         Convenient map is convenient

·         Super literal soundtrack

·         Also they still haven’t told us where the underworld is or how to get in there, just that it’s easy

·         “Let’s split up, check everything” Greeaaat plan, Percy. And then just go looking around without actually looking thoroughly

·         Now Annabeth is dragged along screaming and Grover actually knows how is greatuncle died and is the one to figure out what’s going on. Great.

·         Like, in the books, he still finds his uncle Ferdinand, but no one ever knew what happened to him because he got lost during a search at a place where no one really returns from

·         Annabeth is the first one to figure out that the nice woman giving them burgers and asking them to pose for pictures is not their friend and saves both Grover and Percy, and Percy figures out who she is himself immediately after, before the veil comes off and the snakes start hissing

·         Oh, Uma Thurman, you are too good for this

·         I need to watch Kill Bill after this just to calm down

·         It’s weirdly cathartic to fight your own murderous instincts

·         CALL ATTENTION TO ANNABETH’S HAIR JUST TO RUB IT IN WHY DON’T YOU

·         Annabeth knows this story dammit

·         Also villain monologue

·         I dunno, Uma, you’re still pretty hot like that

·         At least Percy figures out the reflection thing

·         Ugh Annabeth has to get rescued

·         How can you sense him if you were surprised by his presence before?

·         Percy says he can look at her reflection and then throws away the phone he’s using to look at her when he actually sees her

·         Where the fuck did they get the car

·         How did Annabeth learn to drive at camp

·         She can sense him, sees him coming, and he still gets to cut off her head from behind

·         And then she conveniently carried around the pearl with her

·         DID THIS MOVIE JUST IMPLY PERSEPHONE GOT FREAKY WITH MEDUSA?!

·         How do they get a motel room, do they actually have credit cards or something? What the fuck.

·         Yeah okay I don’t feel creepy at all looking at Logan Lerman’s naked torso some more

·         So I guess Percy’s ocean powers in this movie work like waterbending and can also heal other people

·         How he figured that out? No idea. Why he doesn’t start carrying around water everywhere he goes for just this purpose?

·         And aaaalso I think the more significant story for the animosity between Athena and Poseidon would be how he fucked Medusa in her temple, but sure. The story about Athens.

·         Book!Annabeth, when prompted, brings up both, by the way.

·         Why is it forbidden for all gods to interact with their kids?

·         DID SHE SAY SALLY UGLIANO?! SALLY JACKSON NEVER TOOK HIS NAME AND THAT IS FUCKING IMPORTANT

·         Why is there laundry service in the middle of the night?

·         And how did they get to check out after that?

·         Yeah okay this Parthenon business is completely not in the books

·         “I wonder if she really looks like that” Okay okay cutting out the field trip is fucking stupid

·         No one checks the bathrooms before closing up the place?

·         And no on turns off the lights in the bathrooms?

·         Cleaning staff ruining the day yet again

·         Every time Annabeth shoots anything in this movie I die a little on the inside

·         Also hey, there are more black people in this movie than Grover and Persephone, and they all work in maintenance

·         Ugh, son of Poseidon taking to the air

·         Aaaand the maintenance squad has been possessed

·         Annabeth gets to point out the obvious, Percy is on fire like it’s no big deal, and Hail Hydra isn’t even a thing yet. At least not in the main stream.

·         Flying shoes are now fully attuned and working for him

·         Annabeth shoots shit again

·         At one point, it is a plot point that children not of Apollo aren’t that good at archery

·         And Annabeth in the books fights with a knife, an invisibility cap, and her wits, and never shoots shit

·         Medusa petrifies the hydra through fire

·         Okay then

·         Where do they get their money for food from

·         That’s a major obstacle in the books

·         The credit cards they totally have?

·         And the gas money for that car

·         Okay so the underworld is actually visually striking and could have had potential

·         Hades is actually vengeful and out to kill the other gods

·         Persephone mentions her allotted time away from him, but is still there before the solstice.

·         She double crosses Hades because she hates him and shit, it’s weird

·         And then she hits on what for all intents and purposes is an underaged boy

·         The staredown is sooo unsatisfying and thematically rrelevant

·         Luke just conveniently happened to flutter around the empire state building close to midnight because….?

·         Does this camp have no security?

·         The fight is badly, badly choreographed

·         Luke also just has delusions of grandeur and wants to ascend to gdhood or something

·         “You’Re no hero” – actually, per definition, he is.

·         Also, this fucking lightning bolt is supposed to be more powerful than nuclear bombs, STOP USING IT IDIOTS

·         And then Luke just kinda chills on top of the building, waiting for Percy to come and angage him in aerial combat like a video game boss

·         Okay if you’re using the lightning bolt, fucking use it

·         HOW CAN PERCY’S SWORD REFLECT IT DAMMIT

·         No, really, if a celestial bronze sword can do that, what’ so great about it in the first place

·         They use this thing like a flashier version of a tazer

·         Also, they’re right underneath Olympus, you’d think the gods might actually intervene this close to their home turf

·         Luke then uses Percy’s lack of proficiency at aerial combat to suggest he might be no son of Posedong after all… Which I agre with, actually, because Zesu would blast any sons of Poseidon out of the air immediately

·         He also effectively reminds Percy of his waterbending powers, so he can make water tanks explode for dramatic final battle poses

·         The bolt somehow doesn’t electrocute Luke when caught in a tidal wave

·         Water somehow knocks Luke’s shoes off

·         Mortals are allowed to go to Olympus

·         Ah wait, just to ride the elevator up there

·         Athena has a random British accent

·         And the gods are arguing, completely oblivious to what’s going on, but also totally prepared for imminent war

·         With each other in a council chamber

·         Riiight

·         Also the movie gave absolutely no reason for Luke to be angry

·         Athena and Poseidon are conveniently already standing

·         Zeus just like that agrees to bring Grover from the underworld WHICH IS NOT EVEN HIS DOMAIN

·         Poseidon gets to talk to Percy and doesn’t even shrink down to do it. They never say why the gods aren’t allowed to talk to their children

·         …Gods become human when they spend too much time with mortals? AND THAT’S WHY THEY’RE NOT ALLOWED TO VISIT THEIR CHILDREN?! WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT?!?!!?!?!

·         Zeus and Poseidon are RIVALS. Godhood can be BESTOWED. The rational thing to do would have been to let him become human and appoint a new god of the sea loyal to Zeus

·         You’d think some tactical minded deity who doesn’t like Poseidon very much would have thought of that

·         Sally can just kick out Gabe, just like that

·         Chiron is totally into students disobeying. Let word of that get around, and everyone will run away and be eaten by monsters, defeating the entire purpose of the camp

·         Gd dammit you kids have no chemistry and with the intense eyes and same hair color look more like siblings

·         Making this almost kiss really uncomfortable.

·         Also, how is Percy suddenly able to stand up against her clunky pirouette fighting without having stepped into water first?

·         Ugh

[i-am-very-very-tired]

We launched an OCD chatbot! To meet and interact with our new friend, Pax the OCD Bot, head here. INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS Search What is OCD? OCD Symptoms OCD Treatment Donate Support Group About us Blog Mindfulness Addiction Family Comorbidity Faith Relationships School Self-Harm Sexuality Stigma Suicide Work es | en Join Our Newsletter Follow us on Living with Pedophilia OCD What’s Going On? Pedophilia OCD, or POCD, is a subset of OCD in which a sufferer has unwanted harmful or sexual thoughts about children. This subtype often results in panic, anguish, shame and depression. People living with POCD have no desire to harm a child, yet they’re tormented by thoughts of doing so. The difference between someone living with POCD and an actual pedophile couldn’t be greater. A pedophile takes pleasure in situations in which they have an opportunity to find sexual gratification around children. Someone living with POCD will do the exact opposite. Sufferers of POCD are so horrified by their thoughts that they will avoid children at all costs. The nature of this subtype is so taboo that it often leads to years of suffering in silence. Pedophilia OCD Professional Perspective What is Pedophilia OCD (POCD)? Common Pedophilia OCD obsessions: Fear of having sexual thoughts about a child or young adult. Fear of getting aroused when you’re around a child or young adult. Fear that you sexually assaulted a child or young adult in the past. Common Pedophilia OCD compulsions: Avoidance. Staying away from social situations where there might be children. Fear. You’re afraid you might act on your thoughts, and children around you may be at risk. Character indictment. You think you’re a bad, twisted person for having sexual thoughts or thinking you’re attracted to children. Research. Becoming preoccupied with the morality or legality of finding a person younger than 18 attractive or sexual. Common misconceptions about Pedophilia OCD: OCD only comes in one, general type. Subsets like POCD don’t exist. Thinking that any person under the age of 18 is even remotely attractive is a sign of pedophilia. It’s not OK to watch shows or look at photos that portray young adults in a provocative way. Related Articles Pure O: An Exploration into a Lesser-known Form of OCD Talking Pedophilia OCD with Dr. Steven Phillipson 9 Signs That You Might Have Pedophilia OCD (POCD) What’s Going On Down There? OCD and Arousal See All From the Community How Do I Know it’s OCD? Everyone gets intrusive thoughts, but having them doesn’t mean you have OCD. For people who do have OCD, these thoughts can be debilitating, causing extreme anxiety and discomfort. No matter how hard you try to get rid of them, they won’t go away. Having intrusive thoughts does not make you a bad person. They are a misfiring in the brain, not a reflection of your character. When you have POCD, you become preoccupied with proving to yourself that you don’t find children attractive. Your thoughts make you feel like a monster and an outsider. You are horrified by the idea that you may hurt a child, and are obsessed with determining if you are truly “good” or “bad.” Similar to HOCD and ROCD, your brain gives off a distressing response and controls your feelings of guilt and innocence. Everyday Examples of POCD: Feeling distraught over going to the beach. You know that you’ll see children and young adults in swimsuits, and you’re afraid this will cause unwanted thoughts or, even worse, arousal. Instead of going to the beach, you avoid it at all costs. Experiencing distress over spending time alone in a room with a small child. Your sister wants you to babysit your nephew, but you’re terrified you’ll act out your unwanted thoughts. Instead of accepting her request, you say “no” and research the legal repercussions of having these associations instead. You’re at a dinner with family and are sitting across from your young niece. Suddenly, your brain starts to make terrible, harmful associations so you excuse yourself from the table. How can my family help with my POCD? Many sufferers feel extreme shame when disclosing their POCD thoughts to loved ones. Family members and friends must remember to be open minded and supportive. However, it’s important to not provide reassurance. Doing so can make things worse. Saying things like “You wouldn’t hurt a child.” or “I’ve known you my whole life, you’d never do anything like that.” may provide momentary relief, but can strengthen intrusive thoughts long term. Getting used to this can take time. The support often comes from bringing up specific thoughts or associations, and lightheartedly joking about them. It may sound silly, but it can help the sufferer while they go through treatment. Is Recovery Possible for Me? Yes! The ideal treatment for someone with Pedophilia OCD is Exposure Response Prevention Therapy (ERP). ERP is when you voluntarily expose yourself to the source of your fear over and over and over again, without acting out any compulsion to neutralize or stop the fear. By repeatedly facing something you’re afraid of, you force your brain to recognize how irrational it is. Examples of ERP treatment: You may be asked to purposely notice children on the street or visit a place where children often spend time, like the park. As time goes on, you may be asked to watch TV shows featuring children or young adults. In addition, you may be asked to search for pictures of children online. There are other treatment options as well. Mindfulness-based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, also known as CBT, teaches people to identify, understand and change negative thinking patterns and behaviors. Patients are taught problem-solving skills during therapy lessons and then instructed to practice them on their own time in order to build positive habits. Can medication help? Medication can help alongside ERP, but it shouldn’t replace it. Doctors should always be consulted before considering medicinal options. The main family of medicines used to treat OCD are known as Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors, or SSRIs. SSRIs enhance your natural serotonin activity and are used to treat major depressive disorders and anxiety conditions. Examples include Lexapro, Prozac, Paxil and Zoloft. What is the goal of therapy? Some people with Pedophilia OCD recover completely through ERP. But for many, their obsessions never fully go away. Progress in POCD treatment often comes in the form of distancing your character from you intrusive thoughts. You realize that they do not define you, and even though they may still pop up, you know that you are not a risk to others. OCD recovery has more to do with managing the condition, than it does with eliminating it. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t lead a healthy, happy life. By prioritizing treatment and positive lifestyle habits, sufferers often gain confidence and freedom. Even if some anxiety is still present by the end of therapy, you’ll no longer feel debilitated by the condition. If you suffer from OCD, you have a severe anxiety disorder. But it can be treated. Start by getting educated and making healthy living choices. Then find a clinical psychologist in your area who specializes in OCD and Exposure Response Prevention (ERP). Pedophilia OCD Checklist Explore Treatment Empower yourself with relatable stories, news and professional tips. Join Our Newsletter Follow us on Changing Minds Together. 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