#STILL blaming herself for every bad thing that has happened just because she chose to stay in the life she wanted | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

gleefullypolin · 6 months ago

Text

Another of my musings, shall we? Indulge me...

Today, let’s talk about why Cressida was never set up as a redemption story in Season 3, but simply as a lesson for our three main character leads…

I’ve seen a lot of discourse around the treatment of Cressida in Season 3, and I find it kinda funny because Cress has always been a side character and never a main plot point and it was very evident this season that it was still very much the case. In Season 3, she was what is known as a plot device. The point of a plot device is to jettison the main characters forward.

So, let’s look at how they used her to do that this season.

Eloise Bridgerton:

Cressida was a huge plot device in moving Eloise’s story along in a heavy way this season. El has been very close to being stuck in quicksand for a while now. What do we know about her character between S1 to now?

She doesn’t want to get married.

She believes that women are held back but is questioning her place in society and what to do about that.

She’s angry at Pen and feels betrayed by friendship currently.

So, when we last left her, her closest relationship ended because Penelope was Lady Whistledown, she realized she knew nothing about the one person she thought she was closest with, her belief that her say in the world as a woman was rocked, and the one connection with a man she ever had, Theo, dissolved before her.

She goes off to the country and meets up with Cressida, the one person who hates the person she also dislikes the most currently, who befriends her and thus we start the new season.

But in the story, Cress is now there to show Eloise a different side of the Ton. Eloise has always had a not so small issue…her mouth. It NEVER stops. She literally never shuts up. Pen was the type where she let her go on and on and on, and never stepped in to stop her. But Cress is like... Ok shut up, stop talking now and listen because bad shit is happening to me and I need you to hear about it.

And El finally saw that life outside the Bridgerton drawing room, was shit. Not every Mama will protect you from marriage you don’t want, not every word said at a ball stays between friends, and not every friend is welcomed by your family. El had to grow up this year. She had to learn that her family protected her from things others were subjected to.

El whispered in the ballroom about her brother helping Pen find a husband and that rumor spread like wildflower and El was quick to blame that on Cressida, only to find out that it was her own mouth that spread the rumor because she didn’t think, she just spoke loudly in the ballroom with no thought of consequence for her actions. And it was Cressida who had to point it out to her, Plot point made.

Cressida was desperate to escape a life her father was forcing her into. El could have easily been forced into marriage to a man thrice her age, but she was not. But she was still El. And El was caught up in her own worries with Pen/Colin suddenly announcing their engagement and she didn’t listen to Cressida’s concerns. She didn’t see the desperation until it was too late, and Cress stood up and claimed she was Lady Whistledown.

It was only once Cressida, with no other alternatives left on her plate, and no loving parent to guide her, chose a path that led her to take actions against Pen/Colin by writing against the Bridgertons and blackmailing them that Eloise truly was forced to face herself and forgive Penelope and see the difference in how Pen wrote versus how someone with no remorse or responsibility held the quill. Plot point made.

But she then sees the difference in how Pen stands up and takes responsibility for her actions, faces consequences, holds her own as a woman of the ton and gives her back a bit of understanding that a woman can have a voice in the world. Now we see El facing that she has much to learn and going off into the world with excitement to find it.

Penelope Bridgerton:

Cress has always propelled Pen forward as a plot device, the evil queen who tortures the princess as the knight in shining armor comes to her rescue.

Case in point, Season 1, spills her drink, Colin to the rescue, I’m afraid I’m to escort Miss Featherington to the floor. Season 2, she tries to take Eloise from her, for her to be rebuffed, then she dances with Colin happily for him to only use her as a ruse to once again save Pen from Jack Featherington’s ruby scheme. And then Season 3, she does take Eloise from her, stands on her dress for Colin to chase after her, then tries to defeat her in her pursuit for Debling as a suitor.

All of these plot devices move Pen’s story forward. They have a purpose of either knocking her down a peg or by having a man dive in to rescue her thus making her feel important. This season ramped it up a notch as Cressida came after her true worth. Lady Whistledown. Sure, going after Debling was part of it, but one could argue that Debling was a red herring. Pen never truly cared about him. But Lady Whistledown was her true value.

Having Cressida take her prize, was the true crux of the plot device for Pen this season. Cressida stole her glory by claiming to be the one thing that Penelope truly felt she was worthy of. The power of Whisteldown. And once that was taken from Cressida by her proving to the Queen that Cressida was a fraud, once Pen felt she had beat her, Cressida struck the final blow in their showdown by trying to take away her worth and ruin her in the eyes of her family.

Having Cressida out her to her mother and then strike the blow to her new husband by demanding they pay her with blackmail and humiliation to destroy any hope of love and happiness that Pen had found was the final act of villainy in their story.

This was the part that Pen needed to propel her to take a stand, to allow her what she needed to say ENOUGH is ENOUGH and that she would not let this person take everything she loved away from her. She would not let Cressida deal the final blow in her life, her marriage, her family, her purpose. And it would not control her. And thus, she made her final move.

Colin Bridgerton:

Colin had a huge turning point with Cressida, and I did not see it coming. I will be honest when the scene came, I was like why the fuck are they wasting this scene between these two and he’s not having this conversation with this wife. But the more I sat on it the more it made sense because Colin couldn’t have this conversation with Pen. Because he was so hurt and so angry with Pen, he didn’t want to lash out and say mean things to her, but with Cressida, he didn’t care what he said to her. It was easier to say thing to someone he had no feelings for.

And thus, the blackmail conversation happened. Or Cressida/Colin’s Therapy hour was born. Because that plot point was exactly what happened. It was a way for us to hear Colin’s inner thoughts. In a book, it’s easy to know what the main character is feeling, because you read it. But in the show, you don’t get that intimate knowledge. Here we got to know what Colin was feeling.

He shared with Cressida that he left town wanting to hear from Pen, and when he didn’t, he withdrew from himself. He started to take away feeling, to hold back things he needed from others. He become Pod Colin! And then he talked to her about how Pen was treated by the Ton and by extension (CRESSIDA) He talked about loneliness and how that makes a person feel and for fucks sake he bared his soul.

And then he talked about how people pay this damned woman Whistledown to read what she has to say and boy if Cressida didn’t take 3 seconds to call him out for his whining and jealousy of his wife. Because that is what it was, and he recoiled as if she bit him. And thus, jealous Colin reared his ugly head. Plot point made.

And then Cressida, just like she had shown his sister, showed Colin, that outside the Bridgerton drawing room, life sucks. Cressida was able to hit him where things hurt, because she doesn’t care about Colin, she’s not Pen looking at him like he hung the moon, to Cressida, he’s just another spoiled Bridgerton. So, he gets to learn that you don’t always have a loving family to support you and welcome you back from mistakes and responsibility you don’t want with open arms. Sometimes your life just sucks, and you get forced to marry an old ugly man who wants 4 kids from you.

And then she charged him double for all her trouble and sent him home with his tail between his legs. Plot point made.

Colin now ready to accept that he failed, that he should have listened to his wife, and it was time to do things differently, returned to his wife perhaps ready to listen a bit more.

And thus, we see, that Cress was not a main character, she was there to propel our leads forward, to get them where they needed to be, and sometimes, just sometimes, the villain has to be the villain.

I’m not saying she will always be that, they did a good job making you feel sympathy for her this season, but this just wasn’t her season for redemption yet. Maybe in the future, but it wasn’t for Season 3.

#cressida cowper #bridgerton #polin #stacy's musings #colin bridgerton #eloise bridgerton #penelope bridgerton #character analysis

65 notes · View notes

universallywriting · 2 years ago

Text

I'm really surprised at how many people are taking away from Derision that the thing that ruined Marinette was Kim's prank. Because it wasn't about Kim - it was about Chloe.

The reason why we have so much flashback in this episode is to show that Chloe was making Marinette's life hell every day. Marinette is afraid to go to school because of Chloe. Marinette is nervous to open her locker because of Chloe. Marinette is late to class and gets in trouble because of Chloe, because Chloe is relentlessly harassing her.

This isn't even just implied. There's a whole conversation in which we see that many people like Marinette and she has friends she sits with at lunch because the cafeteria is the one place that Chloe isn't ruining her life, and Chloe immediately shows up and tells Marinette that the last safe space she has in the school isn't going to be safe anymore.

Then Chloe proves that she's right! She manipulated Kim to mess with Marinette outside of school, and Chloe is right there to take a picture. That's the point. That's why Marinette says that "above all I'll make sure they aren't friends with Chloe". She knows exactly what's happening because it's been happening to Marinette for years. Chloe chose Marinette as her favorite person to bully and did not let up on her for multiple years, and by the end of the last year of middle school it had reached the point that Marinette couldn't even count on her life outside of class to not be under Chloe's attack.

It's not paranoia either! Chloe has gotten people fired! Chloe worked specifically to give Marinette a reputation at the school of being a bad kid - one who doesn't come to class on time, who is clowning around and taking up everyone's attention, who is consistently blaming Chloe for all her problems as consistently as Chloe as bullying her. Socqueline is literally expelled for standing up to Chloe, which means every time they've threatened to expel Marinette for the same she's right to be afraid!

As an adult who has worked in the school system, this is painfully real. I saw so many kids who would consistently get in trouble despite the fact that they were the ones being bullied. It happened to me when I was a kid in middle school and high school because I was the weird kid with ADHD who couldn't sit still. It doesn't take much for a kid to get a reputation, and for teachers to spread around and share that some kids shouldn't ever be believed or listened to.

The episode explains that Marinette knows the system will not help her. Marinette has reached out for help and been called a liar for years. She's looked to her fellow students for help and found them all silent. She has been attacked by people with wealth and power because they don't think she's high class enough to be in their presence.

Why do people believe Lila? Why do people ignore Marinette? Why is she consistently paranoid about being hurt, about thinking other people are trying to deceive her? Why is Marinette terrified of relying on anyone other than herself?

Because Chloe bullied her for years, destroyed her school career, and convinced her first crush to pretend to be into her as a joke just so they could post it on social media. And that whole time, there was one person who stood up for her, and it ended with that person being expelled from school.

Trauma isn't always just one incident. Sometimes it's years of a pattern of behavior that informs the way you see the world, and it makes the people around you think that you're crazy and paranoid and that you're always seeing dangers that aren't there.

If you want to hate on the show or hate on Marinette, fine, but don't belittle how much this sucks. This is a real thing that real kids experience all the time. This is what bullying actually looks like, the consistent neverending drip of misery that convinces people that safety is an impossible dream.

It wasn't one bad proposal. It was a pattern of systemic abuse and neglect for years.

#miraculous spoilers #miraculous ladybug #miraculous meta #derision spoilers

452 notes · View notes

offline-nobody · 5 months ago

Text

this is probably a terrible post to make but i dont care because by god some of the take ive been seeing on the house of the dragon finale have been just absurdly stupid

like yall seem so determined to classify all these characters as ‘morally good’ or ‘morally bad’ when one of the most important details of the show is that no character is inherently good or evil

‘alicents a bad person for agreeing to let rhaenrya kill aegon’ where you not paying attention to the full minute of silent deliberation beforehand?? the fact that she cant bring herself to even say the words, just a quick nod before turning around?? the whole point of that minute of silence was alicent having to chose between one life and the thousands that will die if this war continues. this isnt a decision she makes lightly, and isnt one that she even wants to make, but she recognises the necessity of it, even if she doesnt want to. why am i seeing it boiled down to ‘alicent is an inherently bad person’ shut up, no character is inherently good or evil, they are the products of every other moment that has come before, they are stuck in a situation in which they have no good options, and are trying to navigate it to what they believe is the best possible outcome, even when that outcome directly contradicts what others want.

‘rhaenyra bringing up a son for a son is bad and therefore shes a bad person’ also shut up. it hasnt been that long since lucerys died, of course shes still upset about it. in her eyes, alicent is in part to blame, alongside otto, aegon, and everybody else who she believed to conspire against her. its not even the point of the seen, shes essentially throwing it in there to guilt trip alicent. she doesnt want aegon dead because of ‘a son for a son’ she wants him dead because as long as hes still around, shell be seen as the usurper, thatll be her legacy unless she makes it aegons. yes technically the debt has been paid but thats not the point here, the point is that, to rhaenyra, she has lost so much in this war and alicent has lost less (which isnt necessarily true but how would rhaenyra know whats happening in kings landing). yes this is a bad thing for rhaenyra to throw at alicent, but that doesnt make rhaenyra a bad person, just a person who has done both good and bad things in the past, who has had good and bad things happen to her, and is acting on those things.

this isnt even everything, theres so many moments that rely on subtly that some of yall are just not seeing. like im sorry this show has complicated characters that dont fall into easy good and bad boxes. im sorry these characters are complex and nuanced and that is what makes them interesting to watch. honestly its like yall werent even paying attention to english literature in school. characters can be more than one thing, in fact characters should be more than one thing, because people are more than one thing

im sorry for rambling so much, but it just felt like whiplash going from watching the show and finding the finale to be one of the greatest episodes of television, to seeing people attempt to boil it down to good and bad, and then getting annoyed when characters would act with nuance

#shout out to the gay shippers who seem to be the only people actually paying attention to the nuances of the characters #youre doing gods work tbh #house of the dragon #house of the dragon spoilers #hotd #hotd spoilers #hotd season 2 #rhaenyra targaryen #alicent hightower

21 notes · View notes

where-theres-smoak-2 · 2 years ago

Text

Ok I am in rant mode again, sorry, this blog just happens to be a place where I dump all my thoughts negative and positive both, unfortunately for all who follow me. But I have seen some bad and incorrect takes from anti darkling/darklinas. So here’s just a few things I want to say.

Firstly LB has never stated that she based the darkling on her ab*sive ex. This is misinformation that was spread by antis. The only thing she has ever said about an ab*sive relationship was that she wrote the first book, Shadow and Bone, at a dark time in her life right after she had got out of a bad relationship. She has said in the past that the darkling was inspired by every bad boy she’s had a crush on in fiction including david bowie’s the goblin king.

So it seems from these comments like the character was supposed to emulate those types of characters that woman find attractive, the ones you would fall for.

I’ve also seen the argument that LB clearly wrote the darkling as a villain, well LB might disagree with you there as she herself has said on multiple occasions that she doesn’t write villains:

LB says that the darkling believes he is doing the right thing and that ‘you can make a case for most of the choices he makes, even the despicable ones.’ So if LB says that she doesn’t write villains and that you can make a case for his actions you can’t really blame darkling fans for doing the same.

The truth is LB promoted the heck out of both the darkling and darklina (or as it was known back then Darlina and Alarkling) when she was writing the og trilogy, even admitting to ‘fanning the flames’ when talking about people shipping m*lina and darklina and was clearly encouraging the shipping of both ships:

She also put out teases for the darkling and darklina:

And promoted darklina fan edits even using the ship tags:

It was only post the release of book three that she changed her tune, likely because of all the backlash she got about the ending of the books. So no LB wasn’t always against fans shipping darklina or liking the darkling. All of this information is easily found with a simple google search, I wasn’t even in the fandom back then being a show watcher first and yet I was still able to learn all of this with minimal difficulty.

Which brings me to the whole darklina being an allegory for a older man manipulating a younger girl and how the darklina fans ‘missed this’. Well if they did miss it then it was for a very good reason, but the truth is darklina’s didn’t miss it, we just didn’t think it made sense within the narrative, the darklina fandom have talked about it, myself included, in fact I’ve already posted a whole pretty much essay on the topic. But let me explain why some people may have ‘missed it’ and why it doesn’t work in the story or with darklina as the allegory. The first is because LB chose to use an immortal/immortal couple for this allegory. The thing with immortality in fiction, especially as love interests, is it makes age pretty much meaningless. The whole point of immortals is that they are ageless. Immortal ships have always been accepted within fiction and this whole age gap issue has never come up before. Nobody was going omg but the age gap yuck with Bella and Edward when twilight came out, or when Magnus and Alec got together in Shadowhunters or with any of the ships in Vampire Diaries. Yet now anti’s are trying to use the argument that the darkling is 100s of years older than Alina and that’s creepy all of a sudden. Sorry but not in my book, an immortal is always going to be significantly older than anyone else what’s the alternative they spend eternity alone, never knowing love? At least with darklina they are both immortal. Another reason why it doesn’t work is because of how the darkling is described in the book, he is said to not look much older than Alina, so in the books he looks like a teenager. So of course people weren’t going to pick up on the older guy/younger girl allegory because the darkling isn’t presented in the books as an older guy. He’s described the same way every other immortal being in every YA book at that time was. It’s also worth noting that I am not sure if LB ever actually said that darklina were supposed to represent a older guy with a younger girl or whether that was something the fandom came up with. I’m not saying she didn’t just that I myself have never seen a direct quote from her that I recall and I wasn’t able to find one. I think the first time I heard of it was when someone sent me an ask about the topic. I know that she has said it was meant to serve as a warning of attractive and charismatic men being able to manipulate young girls but I don’t know that she herself has ever talked about an age gap or specifically mentioned older men?

Another thing that I have been seeing alot of are comments like darkling/darklina fans only like him because he is hot. What bothers me about this is firstly even if that were true and the only reason people liked him was because he is hot, so what? There’s nothing wrong with that, its fiction and fiction is used to escape for a bit, its for enjoyment and entertainment, so if that enjoyment and entertainment comes in the form of staring at the hot guy irregardless of whether they are the hero or villain, let them be. Why are you criticising the way someone enjoys fiction? Sometimes a gal just wants to look at the hot guy. Secondly its just a really irrelevant argument because the darkling is not the only hot, charismatic character in the books or show. M*l is also described as being attractive and charismatic with no shortage of friends and girls, Nikolai is another character that fits that description, so by this argument the only reason M*l fans like him is because he is hot, and the only reason Nikolai fans like him is because he is hot. Thirdly its just plainly not true, whilst I am sure there may be some fans who only like him because he is hot, again nothing wrong with that, most fans like him for a variety of different reasons because he is an interesting and complicated character. As someone who spends a fair bit of time in the darkling/darklina tags the most common reason I have seen for fans liking him is because of his dedication to the grisha, his willingness to fight for the grisha something that he has dedicated 100′s of years of his life too. Personally I like Aleksander/the darkling because he has a sympathetic backstory, because he is fighting for the grisha and when seeing that they had no place to go where they could be free from fear he vowed to make them a safe place, a sanctuary, of course I am going to root for that goal too. I like him because he is complicated and complex and despite being an immortal being who has become deeply effected by past traumas there is still something beautifully human about him, particularly in the show. I also like the connection he has with Alina, the whole yin/yang of it and them being each others balance. I love the complexity and angst of them having this deep connection and pull to each other but also having this anger and sense of betrayal, how they have to try and navigate around having different points of view and seeing the world in a different ways, it makes for a very compelling story and their chemistry in the show is electric. The fact that he is hot is merely a bonus, but even if he wasn’t a conventionally attractive person I would still like his character because of those complexities, because of that connection he has with Alina. But one thing this rant has done is make me curious as to what my other fellow darkling/darklina fans like about the darkling? What drew you to the character? Anyway that’s enough ranting for one day, again my apologies, I am going to go and rewatch season 1 of shadow and bone in preparation for season 2′s release tomorrow...sheepishly shuffles off my soapbox, waving awkwardly.

#darklina #the darkling #anti leigh bardugo

224 notes · View notes

iamafanofcartoons · 1 year ago

Text

Reasons to love Blake Belladonna as a character from RWBY

First, this woman not only left behind her abuser and an increasingly toxic environment, which is extremely difficult all on its own, but she did it with no support system! And she even managed to save innocent lives in the process by cutting the rest of the train off.

But I'm not here to focus on that, so let's move forward to after V3. Blake leaves the team to try and protect them, which is undeniably a very bad decision even if it's understandable in the circumstances. She's pretty much borderline suicidal at this point and hates herself.

Blake thinks she's to blame for everything bad that happens around her (thanks to Adam) and she's not just convinced that her family and friends will hate her and never forgive her for any of it, she actively WANTS them to despise her. She's at her absolute lowest point.

The easiest thing for her to do would have been to give up. To keep running away because surely everyone already hates her so why try to fix anything. But she doesn't! She comes back to face her mistake and deliberately chooses to stay!! And some people still say she isn't brave.

Blake verbally promises not to leave again multiple times, but her actions speak even louder than her words. When they find out that Salem can't be killed she doesn't once consider losing hope. Even when Adam tries one final time to ruin her life she refuses to run away again.

Blake took the infinitely more difficult path of standing her ground and making up for her missteps, and has stuck by the team through every struggle since they reunited. She said she wasn't leaving again and she's more than proven that she meant it. That takes immense courage.

The fact that parts of the fandom will seriously write her off as a bad person or claim she didn't deserve to be forgiven when she's a traumatised teenager doing the best she can with the shitty hand she was dealt just doesn't sit right with me. The lack of empathy is saddening.

Blake isn’t flawless by any means, and no one ever will be, but why can't she be allowed to grow? Why can't she make well-intentioned mistakes and learn from them? If we were all defined only by the worst choice we made then almost all of us would be terrible people.

I'm not even gonna get into the barely-disguised misogyny, homophobia, and victim blaming that often comes from those people. I'm just gonna finish by saying that you don't have to like Blake, but at least treat her with compassion and respect and acknowledge her many strengths.

This woman blamed herself so much for her mistakes PLUS everything Adam and the White Fang did that she flat out basically wanted to die because she thought she was just poison to everyone around her and STILL chose to try and make things better.

She ran away because she wrongly believed it was the only way to keep the people she loved safe and went back to them not only expecting zero forgiveness, but outright wishing that they'd hold it against her forever, and it's still not enough? What more do critics want from her?? www.twitter.com/BloodRaven55/status/1286606634303750145

#bloodraven55 #rwby #rwby character analysis #rwby character discussion #rwby blake #blake belladonna #rwby meta

102 notes · View notes

laughing-drawing-aces · 1 year ago

Note

I'm still a bit mad about s4 of Stranger Things because they turned both Robin and Steve into pathetic messes in order to make their dynamic work with Nancy, when in reality all three would struggle to be around each other.

Like Robin acted borderline pathetic for befriending Nancy, who was rude to her in the beginning. It's like she didn't care and threw herself at her. Plus, realistically, she would have side-eyed her for being Steve's ex. But her entire personality got thrown out the window in order to avoid conflict. Because let's be real, if Steve acted the way around her like Nancy did, Robin would have acted differently and called him out. She wouldn't let it slide, but it's Steve and not Nancy, who is perfect.

Steve acted pathetic around Nancy because he still loved her after all these years despite moving on in s3. It wouldn't be half as bad if it was more balanced, but we never saw Nancy being completely in love with Steve, even when they were together. It was always him who loved more, and now he still followed her around despite her actions in s2. Like the audience (at least some) knows Nancy cheated on him, which is a touchy subject for Steve, and yet all of his personality was ignored in order to worship his ex. I swear if he would know the truth about what happened at Murray's, I doubt he would act that way. But that would require the show acknowledging Jancy cheated, which would paint their relationship in a bad light, and the show wanted you to root for them (at least in s1-s2)

Not to forget how both Robin and Steve's other relationships got ignored for focusing on simping for Nancy. Stobin deserves an independent arc outside of romance. Like discussing their trauma from s3 and healing from it.

I wouldn't be so mad if Nancy was the driving force to make it work in s4. If she had reflected on her mistakes with Steve, it would be much more satisfying. It would make her befriending Robin much more meaningful and more natural to bring back Stancy. Because again, it's only one-sided, and Steve deserves someone who loves him as much as he loves his partner. Nancy never showed that in the show. It was always about Jonathan from s1 onwards. Her admitting she only chose Steve because Jonathan wasn't available put Stancy in such a tragic light for me. Because they never were to make it because Nancy wasn't in it 100%. It's not even the Barb thing, I'm sure it played into it, but Stancy failing is mostly due to Steve being the second choice from the beginning. Steve deserves to know that from her because he still has hopes and blames himself for the relationship's failure. And if they make Stancy endgame without Nancy putting in an ounce of work, I'll be pissed.

Also, if the show had included the messy problems within the teen group, the season ending in disaster would have been much more believable. Like the plan wouldn't have worked either way because of the tension and them not being on the same page and having trouble working together. They were destined to fail because of inner circle problems. I don't get this need of everyone being best buddies when there is so much conflict between them. It's boring tbh. And idk what the Duffers problem is that nobody is allowed to have negative feelings about Nancy or admitting that she hurt people. It's like the show is gaslighting us. You, as the audience, see how Nancy makes mistakes, and yet nobody in the show acknowledges it or is phased by it. The opposite happens because everyone simply loves her more for it. And then you're like, am I crazy??? Like when every other character makes mistakes, it's called out. People still give Steve shit about high school, but with Nancy, the same standard doesn't apply.

also this is going to be long so going to put under read more

oh my god same every time i think about how stobin just looks pathetic to show how nancy is this capable ‘leader’ drives me insane. because first of: steve and robin helped way more than nancy did. nancy just got told things and then shot a gun. that’s honestly all she did in season 4 except for create a plan that failed (which it would have failed either way but yeah). legit people think that stobin did nothing in the major fight which is because they put so much pressure on nancy’s shot that their contributions mean nothing.

honestly i will never understand robin wanting to make friends so fast with nancy meanwhile we saw last season that she called nancy a priss. also everyone complains about robin not having more talk about her sexuality and being outed which would have been good if right here we got it! robin is hesitant to be friends with nancy because maybe for her it’s always been weird for her to have friends that are girls. we could have gotten this expansion on how there’s homophobia in the 80s so perfectly with this storyline! but nope! yeah honestly they three out a bunch of robin’s characteristics and personality to just follow nancy around like a duck or a dog. and 100% robin would have called steve out if he acted like nancy did to her.

honestly yep that about steve! like he acts sooo whipped about nancy which to be fair he was while they were dating and even before. but why isn’t steve allowed a little bit resentment about how their relationship ended? why isn’t he allowed to be mad at nancy? god everytime i think about how steve is just now reduced to worshipping his ex i get so fucking annoyed. like i love how sweet steve is don’t get me wrong but can we also see him maybe experience some more negative emotions? it feels like after season 1 steve wasn’t allowed to feel anger at people/characters anymore. of course he’s bitchy and snippy but he doesn’t have any true anger moments! honestly lol the show will never acknowledge jancy cheating just like the people in the fandom who are delulu. also like lol just because you admit it doesn’t mean that you can’t still like them or that they’re evil people.

i am so fucking mad how stobin was just reduced to nancy! it even happens in the fandom: you can’t go two seconds about hearing the boat scene without hearing how ‘robin stared at nancy and look how she yelled nancy’s name’ meanwhile her bestie STEVE is dying. there are so many other dynamics but the show did stobin so dirty by just making their dynamic about nancy so fandom simply followed suit no matter how much they hate the duffers and what they write: they always seem to do exactly what the duffers are doing.

everything you said about nancy being the driving force. honestly it’s wild how nancy admits herself that she settled for steve because jonathan wasn’t available and people still think that she didn’t a) cheat by knowingly getting with another man despite the fact that she knew she wanted jonathan and b) just say that she went along with what steve was doing. i’m actually going to scream about that second one because how on earth do you want nancy to be her own person but then fucking willingly take away what she says she did of her own right?!? makes no sense: the math ain’t mathing. thank you for saying it’s not just barb! honestly people think it’s just about barb but no it’s legit because nancy just doesn’t love steve.

the way i love the messy dynamics but the duffers just breeze over it now bothers me. hell the fandom bothers me more when they do this lol. god everything here! this is already so long so i don’t want to add too much. but i do like nancy it’s just the fact that a) the show makes you believe that she’s right all the time! b) also her fans who just don’t want to criticize her or just won’t admit that she’s wrong in areas where she is also c) when her fans just make steve seem like an abuser. honestly the fans of hers have been pissing me off more than anything ngl but yeah i do love her just wish her flaws were more showed in a negative light and wish more people can acknowledge it

#stranger things #steve harrington #robin buckley #answered asks #thanks so much for sending this in :)

58 notes · View notes

apastronism · 3 months ago

Text

hi, Cam background done, but i wanna talk about his relationships with some of the ?? "npcs"?? because i couldn't reasonably fit all of that in there, so!

FREYA. Cam's best friend!! They met the same day Cam got dragged to Maitheos, and she had only been there a few days herself. He found her pretty annoying at first, funny enough, but it took maximum of a month to get through to him and get him to open up. She's the one who keeps him in check when he starts getting The Urge To Self-Sabotage. He feels so bad about dragging her into his messes all the time though and has tried to cut things off because she deserves a better best friend, but she's mastered the " stop it, you're being stupid, you're my best friend, I'm staying " talk by this point. Generally a sweetheart, and they have a very "someone will die." "of fun!!" dynamic. Love them <3

DEIDRE. Deidre is....a funny case, because the grudge he has with her is one she doesn't even know about. She's a sweet but temperamental Catholic-adjacent girl with an obsession for Eutheme—despite being picked by Alhari—who has been so sweet to him, and he has left every conversation with her seething for one reason or another. It's somewhat because she's idolizing the gods ( specifically his father but like, she has no idea that Cam and Caeris are the same person ) and he knows flat out that these gods do not care about anyone but themselves. He's one of them, he knows that. It's from knowing he's right about that, but also knowing that even if he told her that, she wouldn't care because she's that obsessive about what she's been taught. That aside, though, he wasn't any healthier than she is at 19, and he gets it, so he kinda sticks around anyway. Kind of a mean older brother who's trying to push her to not rely on gods so much in ways she won't call him out on. He's not happy about it, but he put himself there, so. Rip

MAUZ. Cam first met Mauz shortly after he and Kennedy's parents wound up missing when they brought a relic back from one of their expeditions that they really shouldn't have taken. He got Cam's help because he had suspicions that one of the gods in that circle were responsible, and Cam happened to be in New York at the time. He was right, and they did return what his parents took ( and that alone took a few months to do ), but seeing as it was Niaris that had punished them for screwing with a relic of the past, there wasn't much else to be done about their parents. Kennedy chose to believe they were simply trapped, and Mauz believed they were dead. Regardless of the truth, it was probably? a bad time to consider going out with somebody? but he and Cam did anyway. It was a rushed thing, though, and they weren't actually fit for each other, which led to arguments and them both going to Kennedy for advice, which she eventually stared shutting down with " oh my god, just break up. " So, they did, and Mauz and Kennedy kinda grew apart after that as if it was only her fault. Mauz and Cam don't go out of their way to talk anymore, but if they're in the same circle of people ( and they usually are ), then small talk isn't off the table. Messy, but they're...kind of? Fine now? About their relationship, anyway. Things are still a little tense, just for a different reason. That reason being, ⬇️

KENNEDY. Speaking of messy, after Mauz stared blaming Kennedy instead of Cam, their relationship grew very stressful on top of them disagreeing about what happened to their parents, and after a particularly vicious argument ( about something not worth fighting about, mind you ), she decided that if Mauz wanted to complain about her so much, she could give him something worth complaining about, and she called up Cam. Was it intended to just be for one night? Yes. Was it? No!! That turned into something more serious, and for about four years, they bounced between friends to friends with benefits to dating and they even discussed more long-term things as well. Cam is not good with romance, because he likes to run. But she was the first person he had ever cared for like that, so he didn't run when he probably should have, and she was delusional with him. There was love there, they were just both not stable enough to keep it. They've broken up now for good ( Kennedy's choice bc she wanted to go back to focusing on finding her parents and he was a distraction; good for her ), but they are very clearly still in the Schrödinger's "just friends" phase. They're only platonic dw!! Until one of them messages the other at like 2 am with " hey our playlist is still kinda good isn't it " or whatever and then they get stupid again. Average friend things haha, i am insane about them though, dude was and is genuinely in love with her-

#— › here i am‚ pry me open. what do you want to know? — ⌜about⌟#falling to my hands and knees in walmart i LOVE THEM ALL #shakes my fists at the sky

2 notes · View notes

watchmegetobsessed · 3 years ago

Text

WILDEST FANTASIES (part 12)

⚫️A/N: im locking my doors, turning my location off, having a guard at my door 24/7 after the threats and for after the chapter all im saying: have faith in me!

⚫️PAIRING: Professor!Harry X Reader

⚫️WARNING: sexual content

⚫️WORD COUNT: 5.7k

SERIES MASTERPOST | SUPPORT ME!

Nina Alvarez is not a bad person.

Born as the second child and first daughter to her Colombian father and American mother, she has worked for recognition and acknowledgement her whole life, wanting nothing else than to be the first in something or for someone one day.

Her brother, Angelo Alvarez was four years older than her, a true athlete to the core. Growing up, he played all kinds of sports but he was the absolute best in football. To get the best out of his talent, the whole family’s life was built around his practices, his games and meetings with potential sponsors and coaches who always promised to turn him into the biggest football star the country has seen.

Nina was happy for her brother’s success, but she couldn’t help but often feel like she was forgotten. Every achievement she has earned, Angelo had a bigger one that took the spotlight. She tried herself out in so many things to find that one field where she would be as successful as Angelo was in football, but she just never got there. Dancing, drawing, debate or drama club, track running, softball and basketball, Nina was good in several of these, but never exceptional enough to earn the same amount of attention and acknowledgement her brother got.

Her desperate need for validation somehow brought her many great academic success, which she combined with her love for literature and that’s how she ended up teaching.

She met her ex-husband in high school, but they only started dating after graduation. She was head over heels in love with Damian and it started off like a fairytale. He proposed when she was just twenty-two and they got married a year later. She finally felt like she was someone’s number one priority, that for once, she was enough as herself and she didn’t have to keep proving that she was worth just as much as everyone else.

It was until Damian started going on all of these business trips and she could feel him distancing himself from her, but she refused to believe that the man she loved could be up to something. They even talked about starting a family recently, but the trips were happening more and more frequently and then she found out about the other woman.

And just like that, she felt like she was worthless again, like she was just second even to the man she chose to marry. It broke her and absolutely destroyed her self-confidence. Definitely took her the most energy to build it back up and move on instead of blaming herself for what happened.

Harry was there for her when she needed a friend the most. After the devastation of her divorce and having to start all over again, she really needed all the support she could get. Her girlfriends all told her the same thing.

“It’s his loss!”

“You’re better off without him!”

“You’ll find your person, don’t worry about it!”

It felt nice that they believed she could find her happiness again, but still, she hated hearing these. They made her feel like she was a loser who needed a whole cheerleader group to get herself up from the ground. And starting over in her thirties was harder than a decade ago when she knew she had all the time in the world. All of her friends were settling down and starting a family while she had to go out to the dating field again and go over the same awkward stages she had to struggle with when she was younger.

She felt like Damian took her best years and that she had nothing left in her.

But Harry brought her a sense of joy with never even bringing dating up. When she was around him, she knew she didn’t have to worry about feeling like she was behind in life, because one, Harry never really brought it up, it wasn’t the only thing he wanted to talk about unlike her friends. And two, the detail that brought Nina closer and closer to him, he seemed to be just as single as she was and being almost the same age, Nina felt like she had someone to relate to. She admired how he didn’t seem anxious about not being a father already or even married. She saw Harry just going through life with a calm, accepting attitude that she desired for herself as well.

She believed that they would find their way together and the more time they spent together the more convinced she became that they were heading in the same direction, together. Nina didn’t want to waste any more time just skirting around each other and when she felt like the time was right, she gathered the guts to ask Harry out.

And that was the start of the downfall.

It didn’t even occur to her that just because Harry never talked about his dating life, he didn’t have one. The rejection alone was enough to shatter her fragile confidence she’s been able to build back up, but finding out that he’s been actually seeing someone else was another punch in her stomach.

Once again, she felt small and forgotten, like some side character in everyone’s story, especially her own. She truly thought something was blossoming between her and the nice and good-looking professor in her department. She was wrong.

Escaping from Harry’s office she wanted the floor to open underneath her and swallow her so she didn’t have to face Harry or anyone ever. She felt stupid and ridiculous and like a complete failure.

She even questioned whether her ex-husband’s cheating was her fault. That she was so unlovable that she deserved to be alone forever.

She got into her car and started driving around campus, not feeling like she belonged anywhere so she felt most safe moving. Tears were flowing down her cheeks and horrible thoughts clouded her mind. But slowly, the tears dried and the sobbing stopped and she felt nothing, but emptiness. She thought of never talking to Harry again and it was way too painful, so she decided to make amends and accept whatever part she can get from Harry, even if it’s barely a fraction of what she desired.

Driving back to campus she parked across the street from the parking lot for a bit to collect her thoughts and clear her head before going back in to see if Harry was still there.

But she never made it out of her car.

She saw him walk out and her heart skipped a beat when she noticed the figure of a woman wrapped in a long coat, both of them smiling like crazy and Nina immediately knew this was the woman Harry was dating. And judging from the look on his face, he was very much in love with her.

She stared at them getting closer to his car and she almost didn’t recognize the woman, but when it clicked, she was absolutely speechless.

She knew you. At least definitely from seeing you around campus and in Harry’s office before as well, so she had no doubt that you were a student. His student.

And then the kiss happened.

She couldn’t believe her eyes. Harry Styles was kissing his student in the parking lot of the English department’s building.

She watched the two of you get into his car and drive away without a care.

Christmas was a nightmare for Nina. Having to spend it with her family that were now even more judgmental of her after her divorce, another reason to make her brother the superstar of the family with his stable marriage and two kids, while Nina was the thirty-something divorcé, the ultimate black sheep of the family.

“When are you getting out to the dating field again?”

“You don’t have much time, you know that?”

“Have to be quick or you’ll have to settle with the leftover!”

Her family had a talent in making her feel even worse when she was already on the floor. As if they enjoyed kicking her when she was obviously already at her lowest. The days passed and her sadness and disappointment in herself slowly started to morph into something entirely different and lot more dangerous.

She was done being ignored and made fun of, she was done being walked over by everyone and she was done being the side character.

It was like a snap. Spite poisoned all of her thoughts and she wanted to bring justice, or at least that’s what it felt like when she figured out what she would do.

She didn’t have second guesses, not even once, she just wanted you far away from Harry. In her book, what the two of you were doing was a reckless mistake and she was the one who would make things right, bring Harry true sense and get him on the right path. And part of her believed that if she helped him do the right thing, he would realize that she is the best choice for him.

She desperately believed the narrative she created for her own sake and refused to look at the situation from any different angles.

Only one truth existed and that was hers.

It didn’t matter what was behind it all. She didn’t listen to anything Harry had to say and most importantly she did not believe it when Harry said he loved you.

How could he love you? He didn’t know what he was talking about, there was no chance Harry fell for you. The Harry Nina knew was smarter than that and she was ready to force him to return to the picture she painted of him in her head. She was ready to save him from what she thought to be the biggest mistake he could ever do.

And it didn’t matter the cost.

Harry cancels on the weekend last minute. You find it odd, but he says one of his PhD students had an emergency and they have to work on his research on Saturday before they run out of time. He sounds off on the phone, disoriented and shaken up and you’re having a hard time to believe this little emergency got his panties in a twist, but you decide to give him some time and space, hoping he would share it with you eventually, whatever it is that upset him.

You text him in the afternoon, asking how the work is going and if he wants you to go over for the night. He doesn’t answer until late night.

HARRY: Sorry, just got home. Raincheck?

Y/N: Don’ worry :) Everything alright though?

HARRY: Sure. I love you.

Y/N: I love you too!

Sighing you stare at the conversation, hoping another message would pop up saying that he changed his mind and that he’ll pick you up in ten, but it’s just silence. Dropping the phone to your nightstand you try to push this eerie feeling to the back of your mind that something is wrong.

Sunday passes by without seeing him again. You text him first thing in the morning, but it’s noon when he first replies, saying that he needs to help a friend of his, so he’ll be busy throughout the day. You almost call him right away and ask if it’s the truth or if he is avoiding you. But eventually you talk yourself out of it and just bite your tongue.

In the evening however you decide to call. You miss his voice and you need to hear him to convince yourself that everything is fine.

It rings and rings and just when you think he won’t pick up, he finally answers the call.

“Hey,” he softly says. He sounds tired and worn-out, you wish you could hold him.

“Hi! I missed your voice so I thought I would call. How was your day?”

“Uh… long. I’m sorry we couldn’t meet.”

“It’s alright,” you tell him and you try to convince yourself too that it’s the truth. “What did you actually do today? You never told me.”

“Just this old friend needed help moving so I was carrying his shit all day long,” he explains, but he sounds so distant, as if he wasn’t even in the conversation himself. “How… How was your day?”

“Fine, just did some school work. I’m close to finishing my thesis so that’s great.”

“I’m proud of you, baby. You… You work so hard in school.”

“You know, I do what I have to do,” you shrug. “I want to get done with school so I can start working.”

“You can’t do that without your degree?”

“Well, most places require it, so it’s better to finish.”

“Mm, yeah, that sounds… logical…”

“Harry, are you sure everything is fine? Tell me if I’m just imagining it, but… You know you can tell me anything, right?”

He stays silent for several moments, you almost check if the line is still live or it has cut off, but it’s still going. His hesitance just strengthens you in your belief that something is off.

“I know, Y/N. I know. I just…” He lets out a shaky breath and panic settles in your chest.

“It’s alright if you don’t want to talk about it. Just know that I’m here for you.”

“Fuck… I love you, Y/N.”

It sounds so broken and like a desperate plea to you. You have no idea what’s happening, but it’s for sure painful and all you want to do is to take that pain away.

“I love you too, Harry. And whatever it is that’s bothering you, we’ll solve it, I’m here for you.”

You swear you hear him sniffling on the other end and it scares you to think that something affected him this badly. You’re dying to know what happened, but you don’t want to push him, so instead, you try to take his mind off of it.

You start to tell him about anything and everything, talking his ears off so he doesn’t have a chance to think about whatever makes him anxious. Slowly but surely he starts to sound a little lighter and more carefree, but he is still not his usual self.

When you say goodnight your heart breaks that you’re not there with him, you can’t hold him and kiss him and tell him that everything will be alright.

Harry is a wreck. And it might be an understatement.

It’s been three days since Nina dropped the bomb on him and he still hasn’t said a word to you. He couldn’t get himself to. It’s such an impossible situation, because he can’t let your future be ruined, but he also can’t let go of you so it’s been eating him away for the past days.

And then you called him. That conversation was like he was stabbed in the chest over and over again. You told him you’d figure out whatever it is that’s bothering him, but you didn’t know that it was about you. That your perfect little bubble was popped and he is now breaking under the weight of the choice he is forced to make.

He has tried to talk to Nina once but it didn’t go well, but he found out that she’s got proof too, a couple of photos of the two of you near his house together, Harry didn’t ask if she was the one following you or she had someone else do the dirty work. He knew he would have ended up calling her a psycho either way and pissing her off was the last thing he wanted to do in this situation that was now worse than he thought.

When he feels like he is about to lose his mind completely, he decides to call Niall and ask for advice. He might be one hell of a womanizer, but he was also great at seeing things rationally.

“Hey man, what’s up?” Niall answers his call in an upbeat mood clearly.

“Hey… Do you have some time to talk?” he breathes out and just from his tone, Niall understands that this is something serious.

“Sure, give me a moment,” he tells Harry, then some talking is heard in the background and a few seconds later he returns to the call. “What’s up?”

Harry tells him everything from the time he was still in the States through how he got together with you and the latest happenings with Nina. He tries to explain it all the best way possible so Niall has a great view of the situation. Niall listens and lets him tell his whole story without an interruption.

When he is done, the silence on the other end of the call is almost deafening.

“Aren’t you gonna say something?” Harry begs, his head starting to throb again. He’s been living with a killer migraine for the past days and his skull feels like exploding from all the thinking and worrying he’s been doing.

Niall stays quiet for a few more moments before finally speaking up.

“You really do love her, right?”

“Fuck, I do. I’m so in love with her!” Harry whimpers, squeezing his eyes shut.

“And do you have any idea what you’re going to do?”

“No fucking clue, but… I can’t ruin her future.”

“So you’ll do what Nina said? Damn, I knew that woman was trouble!” Niall breathes out.

“I don’t want to, but I feel like I don’t have a choice.”

“Have you told Y/N?”

“Of course not,” he shakes his head, anxiously pacing the floor.

“Why? Don’t you think it’s a decision you have to make together?”

“No, because… I know she would do everything to sacrifice herself. She would even drop out of school, she is way too selfless with the people she loves than to make a rational decision.

“And you think you can make one on your own?” Niall retorts. Harry wants to answer right away, but there’s a tiny hint of hesitance that makes him shut up. “Look, I really think you should talk to her. This affects the both of you.”

Harry doesn’t answer and though Niall knows he’ll probably still do whatever he wants, he is not putting up a fight with him. He can only hope Harry will come to his senses and make the right decision.

“Look, whatever happens, I’m here for you. Call me whenever you need me.”

“Thank you, I appreciate it,” Harry answers quietly.

You made soup. Your grandma swore soup was medicine to every problem so you thought that after the shitty week Harry has been having he would appreciate something nice and homemade. Ramona is spending the night at Dean’s and Kostas is meeting up with his latest hookup so the place is all yours. You texted Harry earlier today to invite him over and though you expected him to cancel, which he has been doing a lot, for your surprise he said he would be over around six.

You want him to have a nice relaxing evening, maybe have a bubble bath, watch a movie and go to bed early, because you’ve definitely spotted the dark circles under Harry’s eyes, he hasn’t been sleeping well that’s for sure.

Like clockwork, the doorbell rings at six and you rush to the door excited to finally spend some time with Harry after this messed up week. He still hasn’t told you what’s been bothering him, but you’re patient with him and would never push him.

“Hi!” you beam upon opening the front door, seeing him standing on the doormat, a soft smile on his lips, but it’s not reaching his eyes. Throwing your arms around his neck you kiss him quickly before pulling him inside.

“Hey, I missed you,” he breathes out against your lips, pecking them one more time before letting go of you.

“Missed you too. How are you feeling?” you ask, brushing his hair out of his forehead. “Come on, let’s sit down,” you take his hand and pull him to the couch, both of you settling comfortably. “I made some soup,” you add with a small smile.

“Soup?”

“Yeah, my grandma always told me that’s the best medicine to everything.”

Harry stares at you for a few long moments before his hand cups the back of your head and he pulls you in for a kiss. You melt against him with ease, realizing how much you’ve craved to be this close to him all week.

The kiss feels different. It’s like he is trying to drag it as long as possible, savoring it to the last drop, pouring his whole heart and soul into it. He keeps going in for more and more and you’re eager to give him everything he wants and needs. Swinging a leg over him you settle in his lap, your chest pushing against his and you moan into his mouth when you feel his hands sliding down to your ass, squeezing you hard and needy.

You rock your hips against his, feeling the evidently growing bulge underneath you. Kissing down his jawline and neck you start unbuttoning his shirt, making it clear where you’re trying to head with it. Harry sinks back against the back of the couch and you’re feverishly kissing his chest as you tug the shirt off of him. When you come up to kiss him again, you can’t help but moan as his hand slips under your shirt, palm pressing to your naked back.

You start to undo his pants, your breathing picking up as you keep grinding against him, but just as you’re about to get your hand into his pants, he stops you.

“Wait, wait. We shouldn’t… We should, erm, talk—“

“We can talk later. I want to make you feel good,” you breathe out, peppering his jawline with soft little kisses. “Please, just let me take care of you, Harry,” you beg him.

He is fighting himself and you would never push him to do something he doesn’t want, but you’re desperate to take care of him and make him feel good just for a bit after the rough week he just had. He combs his fingers through your hair, examining your face as if he is trying to remember every tiny detail, fearing that you could disappear any moment. But you’re here and there’s nowhere else you’d rather be.

When you lean in to kiss him again you stop just an inch away from his lips, giving him the chance to stop you, but when he doesn’t do anything to protest, you melt your lips against his and your hand slips into his pants, palming his almost fully hard cock, a moan escaping through his lips as he kisses you with great hunger.

It gets a little rushed and hectic, but you’re quick to feel as close to him as possible, you’ve been missing the feeling for way too long. Harry drags his pants down and you get rid of your shorts before your hands go back to stroking and pumping him, feeling yourself throbbing for him desperately.

“I’ll make you feel good, H. Don’t worry about anything,” you murmur to him, kissing him passionately before positioning him to your entrance and slowly easing yourself down on his hard cock.

“Oh fuck,” he exhales sharply, his hands holding onto your naked thighs on either side of him, massaging your muscles gently.

“You always feel so good inside me, Harry. Like you were made for me,” you moan when you move just the tiniest bit. Leaning forward you take his face in your hands and kiss him hard as you start moving your hips up and down, his cock gliding in and out of you so perfectly, it always makes you feel complete and full.

Slowly you start to pick up the pace and move faster and faster, sometimes changing it up and instead of going up and down you go back and forth. Harry’s arms snake around your upper body and he pulls you tight against him, your naked chest pressing up against his, your skin practically burning as you keep moving, your lips meeting in a feverish and demanding kiss and so many emotions are rushing through you, it’s almost too overwhelming but when you lock eyes with Harry, it seems like he is feeling the same way.

“Harry!” you gasp, your palms cupping his face and for a moment you see so much pain and misery in his eyes, it knocks the air out of your lungs.

“Y/N.” Your name falls from his tongue like a desperate plea and as your orgasm is building rapidly in the pit of your stomach, you swear you see his eyes tearing up. “Y/N, my Y/N,” he repeats and pulls you close so he can bury his face into the crook of your neck, his tortured face now out of your sight. You lace your fingers through his hair, fastening your movements, you can tell he is just as close as you are and you want to give him his release and satisfaction.

“Yours. Forever yours,” you tell him and as if it breaks him, he stiffens, a loud groan turning into a moan rips out of him as he comes inside you and feeling him fall apart underneath you pushes you over the edge as well. Your walls tighten around him while the both of you ride out the last waves of your orgasms.

You keep holding each other even when your breathing is back to normal and his cock is already softening inside you, but it feels nice to have him close just a little longer. Harry is holding onto you just as eagerly as you are, as if he doesn’t want this moment to end and you gladly give him as much time as possible.

“I’ll go to the bathroom quickly, okay? And then we can eat and cuddle as much as you want,” you tell him softly massaging his scalp, he is still hugging you like a koala bear and you can feel his heart hammering in his chest, that’s how tight you’re pressed against him.

Slowly, he nods and loosens his hold around you until you can climb off of his lap. Grabbing your t-shirt from the floor you quickly disappear in the bathroom to clean yourself up, ready to shower Harry with love all night long, because he definitely needs the extra care now.

When you walk out he is buttoning his shirt back, his pants already on him again.

“Alright, let’s eat and then maybe we could have a bath if you’d like and—“

“Y/N, we need to talk,” he speaks up, but he keeps his eyes fixated on the floor in front of him and your stomach churns from his tone.

You try to swallow down the fear that’s growing in your chest as you walk over to the couch and sit beside him facing him.

“Okay, let’s talk,” you nod.

You watch as Harry is searching for words desperately, his mouth opens several times, but it takes a long time before he finally speaks up, but you wish he remained silent. Forever.

“I can’t do this.”

Your stomach and heart drops and you feel all the blood draining from your head as the words process.

“Y-you can’t do what?” you ask, even though you know exactly what he meant by that.

“This. Us. It’s… It was a mistake.”

You’re blinking at him, waiting for him to ask something, anything, to tell you that he didn’t mean it, it was just a terrible joke, but he just sits there, staring ahead of him, not even looking at you.

“I’m sorry, what?” you ask with a humorless chuckle. “What does that supposed to mean? Because I know you didn’t just tell me we are a mistake.”

Harry shakes his head and exhales sharply, the muscle on his jaw twitching as he keeps clenching it.

“We shouldn’t have done this, any of it. I made a mistake and… I need to make it right.”

“Where the fuck is this coming from, Harry? What are you not telling me? Because I know you’re keeping something from me and I’ve been trying to be patient with you, but now it seems like whatever it is, it’s affecting me too, because you lost your mind and want to end our relationship out of the blue!”

Your throat is starting to close up, eyes dwelling as you keep staring at him, silently begging him to even look at you, but he could even get himself to do that.

“I’ve just been thinking about it and realized that… we should have never even started this. I’m sorry, I should have been wiser, but… now I see things clear.”

It feels like he is telling you a practiced speech, like he has written all of it beforehand, learned the lines and now he is delivering them.

“Would you at least look at me?” you demand, fed up with talking to his side profile. As if it’s something painful, he presses his lips together tightly before finally turning his head to look at you. “I’m giving you five whole seconds to think it through again and tell me that it was just a momentary slip. I’ll forget about it and we can move on,” you tell him slowly and clear, making sure he understands every word.

But as the seconds pass by he doesn’t seem to change his mind, he just exhales deeply and doesn’t say a word and you realize that he will not take any of what he said back.

“Harry…” you breathe out shakily. “Harry, why are you doing this? Why wouldn’t you just tell me the truth? Did I do something?”

“Y/N, stop.”

“T-The other minute you were fine enough to fuck me and now you’re springing this on me? What kind of sick joke is this?!” Tears spill out of your eyes as you stand up from the couch needing to put some distance between the two of you.

“I’m sorry, this is not how I planned it. I shouldn’t have let tonight go this far, but I just…”

“You just thought you’d fuck me one last time before you break up with me? That’s what you thought?!” you snap at him, your anger rising along with your panic and despair, still shocked about what’s really happening.

“That’s… That’s not it… Look, I’m sorry. But that doesn’t change anything. It’s still over.”

“I don’t—I don’t understand. Because just last week, everything was perfect, you said you loved me and all of a sudden, you start acting up and now you do this. What’s the fucking truth, Harry? Because I don’t buy it. I don’t buy it that you just realized that it was a mistake. We both know it’s not a mistake, so tell me what’s happening!”

You hate how much it’s affecting you, how you can’t control your emotions and keep yourself together, but you refuse to believe he is telling you the truth. Not after everything that happened between the two of you.

Not after he told you he loved you.

“I know it’s hard, but you have to accept it, Y/N. This is for the best. We would have never made it, but it shouldn’t have even started in the first place.”

“What the fuck happened to you loving me?! Was that just a lie? Did you straight up lie to me just to get into my pants or what?!” you scream at him, the tears keep flowing down your cheeks. Harry stands from the couch and tries to take a step closer to you, but you back away from him right away.

“Y/N, please stop, don’t do that.”

“Do what?! Ask for answers?”

“Just… please don’t make it harder,” he breathes out and he looks so broken, his shoulders are slouched forward, his eyes are teary, but you give zero shit about them right now. Not when he is ripping your heart out with his own hands.

“Harder? This has got to be a joke,” you laugh, but there’s no humor in it at all. “Please tell me this is a joke!” you beg him, but once again, he remains silent. “Why are you doing this to me?”

You can’t believe it’s happening, not after opening up to Harry. He knows about your insecurities, your struggle with your mother and how you always had an issue with accepting and giving love because of your relationship with her. How hard it is for you to get close to others and just when you were settling down at a place in life where you felt secure and loved… he drops this bomb on you, destroying everything you built up.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. But you have to understand that… this is for the best. I-I never wanted to hurt you—“

“Fuck you! I don’t believe you didn’t want to hurt me, because you just did, the worst way possible!”

“Y/N, I—“

“Leave!” you scream at him, needing him to be out of here, now. Harry takes a step towards you, reaching out for you, but you flinch away again, not giving him the chance to get into your personal space. You’re keeping him away from you because you genuinely don’t know how you’d react to his touch in this frantic state of mind.

There’s a chance you’d just fall right into his arms, begging him to not leave and love you, tell you nothing he said was real, but you can’t also tell for sure you wouldn’t just start punching him with all your anger in your bones.

Harry stands motionlessly in his spot, watching you as if he is about to break and change his mind, but then he exhales and turning around he grabs his stuff and heads towards the door. With a hand on the doorknob, he turns back.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N. I really am. Please take good care of you and… find the person who deserves you. I obviously wasn’t the one.”

“Just… leave. And never come back. You’re dead to me,” you whisper, whole body shaking, keeping your eyes squeezed shut, because you don’t want to see him walk out of your life.

For several moments you don’t hear the door opening, so he is still standing there and just when you think he won’t leave, the lock clicks, you hear the door creaking and then it shuts closed and he is gone.

He really is gone.

NEXT PART

Thank you for reading! Please like and reblog if you enjoyed!

#harry #styles #harry styles #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fanfictions #harry styles fanfic #harry styles au #harry styles series #harry styles x you #harry styles x y/n #harry styles x reader #harry styles imagine #professor!harry #wildest fantasies #harry styles smut

815 notes · View notes

c-is-for-circinate · 4 years ago

Text

As promised: let's talk Hades, and how acts of abuse can create toxic environments for everyone around them, and also how people react to those environments--and to them being disrupted.

(For reference, I have just kicked Theseus's ass for the first time, it was exactly as satisfying as it was intended to be, and then I got predictably slaughtered a couple of chambers into Styx. Spoilers for everything through that point, but please no spoilers in reblogs/comments for anything after that!) Also, TW for a whole lot of discussion of abuse, particularly verbal and emotional abuse, and abusive familyworkplace dynamics.

Okay, so. To start out with, Hades is an abusive parent. He engages in innumerable acts of verbal and emotional abuse towards his son, because yep, that's what you call it when a parent constantly berates and belittles their kid for every perceived failure, including the ones the parent themselves could have prevented. Sometimes especially the ones the parent could have prevented. Zagreus failed at his office clerk job because Hades refused to teach him how to do it and then blamed him for not already knowing how. Cerberus tore up the lounge because Hades, who was actually there, chose not to stop him. Hades created, possibly deliberately, and then took full advantage of every opportunity he saw to insult and demean his kid, and the clerk job flashback shows us that he was doing so even before the escape attempts started. I'm pretty sure we're all on the same page here, but: yep, that all constitutes abuse, even if they're gods. Even if Hades has reasons for Being Like That. Even if you think Zagreus seems okay and unharmed by it (which: repeatedly throwing yourself into a gauntlet of violence that inevitably ends in your own pain and death because you're so desperate to escape home, not actually an indicator of someone who's okay). We all good on that?

Cool. Because I'm not really here to talk about how Hades' abuse directly impacts Zagreus right now (although there's for sure an essay in that too). I'm thinking about how it impacts everybody else.

Hades isn't as obviously unreasonable with anybody else in his kingdom the way he is with his kid. When we see him lecture somebody else, it's usually for an actual failure to do their job: Hypnos for literally falling asleep on the job and not doing anything that was assigned to him, Megaera for letting us past her so many time, Orpheus for being a court bard who refuses to sing. His attitude is super confrontational and unpleasant, but on the surface it doesn't necessarily look as fucked-up. Thing is, though, whether any individual act of aggression towards an employee/family member is justified or not (I would generally argue 'not', because aggression towards employees/family members is, y'know, not justifiable)--it's not about the individual acts. It's about the entire cultivated atmosphere of toxicity and abuse.

One of the very first things Meg ever says to us is, "I'd rather be on your bad side than his." Up until that point, we've got no reason to believe Meg has any history whatsoever of fucking up at her job. In fact, we've got plenty of reason to believe she's good at it. She's fiercely proud of it, she's frequently Employee Of The [Time Period], and we've apparently never even met her sisters because she handles her shit herself. But she's still scared of Hades. Dusa, who is an anxious wreck at all times because oh god what if she gets fired what if she gets fired what if she gets fired, in spite of apparently being absolutely exemplary at her job, is scared of Hades. Every single shade in the Hall is clearly terrified of Hades, and it's not because of what he's done to each of them. It's what they've seen him do to other people.

Which is how toxic environments work, whether they're work environments or families. The Court of Hades is of course both, always, with the bonus hell layer of you can't quit even if you DIE. An abuser in authority doesn't have to target you in order to make you feel scared, cowed, and desperate to please them. Humans (and gods who are basically extra-powerful humans) are good at learning by example. The residents of the Court get the picture.

So this Court is a minefield--and everyone except Zagreus is very good at tiptoeing around mines. We see it in Meg, so desperate to do her job well. We see that Hypnos very clearly does not give a shit about anything, but he still makes sure to have a list of excuses ready if/when Hades ever confronts him about failure to do his job, just in case. We see it when Achilles tells us that my ability to help you is constrained by the authority your father gives me, or whatever the line was sixty runs ago when he couldn't let me into locked chambers. The system, such as it is, works, and if Nyx talks to Hades as little as possible, if Thanatos avoids the Court entirely, if Achilles treads very carefully and knows how to keep his head down--well that's just the system, right? That's just how things are.

Even Zagreus seems to have had a role in that system as the court fuckup. He's the kid who didn't have a real job or purpose. He could take the focus of Hades' generalized, day-to-day ire off of everyone else, without triggering some of the more direct and violent ire because the work he was doing didn't really matter (a LOT of Hades' rage-triggers seem to be related to job performance, which means that the people with real jobs are of course the most at risk). And he could do so "safely" (big emphasis on the quotation marks there) because he alone of the court is Hades' actual kid, who's Prince of the Underworld no matter how much he fucks up. If one of Nyx's other kids gets something really really wrong, she might be able to protect them from some consequences, but Hades doesn't have any layer of supposed parental affection holding him back from getting violently furious about it. Zagreus gets a nice bedroom and the abuse is limited to words rather than divine power, and Hades is a dick to everyone but he only occasionally condemns people to eternities of torture, and only for good reasons like refusing to sing when your job is to be court bard, so it's fine, everybody's fine, everything's totally fine, right?

Except it's not fine when everybody is so clearly worried about anything going wrong. And it's especially not fine for Zagreus, who's the person to finally say no. He's leaving, for his own sake, because he deserves better and he's finally convinced he can have it. And that turns the whole system into disarray.

I am endlessly fascinated by the ways this game portrays different characters reacting to this upheaval in their carefully-mapped minefield. It's different for authority figures and peers and servants, different based on how people are positioned in the house under Hades' rule, and it's so spot-on and I love it.

Nyx, for instance, is absolutely calm about the whole thing, because Nyx has power. Hades can't hurt her. Hades can't even really do much against her children, not when Hypnos and Thanatos are gods in their own right. Yes, Hades rules the kingdom, but Nyx owns the land, and she gives no shits about his rages. And it's interesting, too, to see the lines she doesn't draw. The deal seems to be that Hades doesn't fuck with her, and doesn't outright threaten her kids (because Hypnos is bad at his job, demonstrably so, and Hades hasn't ruined him yet), and she doesn't interfere with the way he treats the people around him. She gives Zagreus advice and support and the mirror, but she also doesn't take a direct stand against Hades. He can't hurt her, but he could make life...difficult. She's protected, her position in the minefield is more of a safe viewing platform than slogging through the middle of it, but the mines are still there.

And then we have Achilles, who is one of my favorite characters in the whole game because of how he reacts to this whole situation. Achilles, like Nyx, is so supportive. Every single time you see him he has something encouraging to say. He gives us his Codex, secretly finds us weapons, trained us for years, clearly wants us to succeed. And still he's limited, not necessarily out of fear for himself (though he has to be scared for himself, he knows what Hades does to people who anger him), but out of concern that if he gives Zagreus too much help in one way, he won't be able to provide help at all later. He's still so careful.

Achilles and Nyx are so fucking important to this story because they're the only authority figures Zagreus really has in his life except for his father, and they are so supportive. They're what keep this story from being a nightmare of psychological horror and depression. They can't stop the pressure from Hades and this life in his house being miserable for Zag, but they can give us hope, remind us that Zagreus is still loved. And they have such an incredibly important role when it comes to guilt, which is one of the biggest ways toxic systems maintain themselves.

If Zagreus leaves, what happens to everybody else? Who takes Hades' wrath then? Who becomes court scapegoat if he's not there, and also, who gets punished for his escape? These questions matter, and we see him worry about it! He asks Nyx and Achilles both, is it going to be okay that you're helping me, are you going to be alright, will my father hurt you for this? And they are both so firm about telling him no. No, I will be fine. See, here's the list of reasons about why I'm going to be fine, why my position in this minefield is secure. They make a point of telling us that it's fine, that we do not need to hold ourself back from getting out of this abusive situation for their sake. That is instrumental in Zagreus's ability to keep making these escape attempts without feeling too guilty and worried and selfish to go on. (Another thing that's actually really important in setting up that dynamic--we see that Hades cares about Cerberus, even if he's using him as a pawn against us, and Cerberus seems to be the one figure in court who Hades doesn't get mad at. The dog isn't at risk, and that is really essential in keeping the story from getting too grim.) These people who we care about refuse to let themselves be held hostage to secure our good behavior.

It's also really useful for raising the stakes later in the story--we see Hades arguing with Nyx once or twice, and we see Zagreus feeling guilty about it, but it's also a sign that we're making enough progress to piss him off. After I finally made it out of Elysium on my last run, I came home to find him furious with Achilles in a way that actually makes me nervous, because Achilles does not have nearly as much security in his position as he says he does. (Achilles is such a good teacher/authority figure, because he knows goddamn well what Hades could do to him, and still refuses to let fear for his own situation stop him from helping the abused kid under his care escape his. And no, not everybody has the capacity to do that, but it matters so much coming from the guy who helped raise us. It matters so much. I do not even have the words for how much.)

It's also no mistake that many of the people we find supporting us along our journey are either the people with the most power in their immediate environment, or the least. Sisyphus helps us because what more could they do to me than this? Orpheus is a little wild around the eyes and somewhat disconnected from reality, and he wishes us the best because someone should get what they want and also he no longer gives a single fuck what happens to him. Eurydice has her own cozy little corner of Asphodel, as safe from Hades' rage as anybody anywhere in his realm because she's tucked in such an out-of-the-way middle place she's outside his notice. Dusa is so scared of everything anyway that, crush aside, she isn't any more threatened by us escaping than she is just by her everyday life here. Charon is unfathomable and unstoppable; Skelly literally exists to be a punching bag, and yet he also seems basically immune to pain, no matter what we do to him. There's no threat from Hades there.

So the people most at risk when I flip the world on its ear are the ones who have so much standing that they have something to lose, but not enough to protect them from losing it. Which of course brings us to Than and Meg--who are, of course, the two people who also seem by far the most upset by my attempts to leave.

As authority figures, Nyx and Achilles are constantly reinforcing the message that it's Hades' fault, not ours, if they or anybody else get caught in the crossfire of his wrath. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and it's not my guilt to bear. From Megaera and Thanatos, we get the opposite message--I am fucking with things, I am hurting people, and I need to stop. Zagreus isn't just abandoning them, as a friend or brother or lover or all of the above they're Greek gods who even knows. He's betraying them. They were in this together, as friends or lovers or whatever, but now Zagreus is sending earthquakes through the minefield they both still have to stand in. He is about to capsize this boat in the middle of a thunderstorm, he is fucking with the system, and they're the ones who are going to get most hurt.

I'm so curious how this is going to work for Than, who out of everyone we meet holds the closest role to Nyx's in terms of being sheltered from Hades' wrath. He's the guy who gets to leave, after all, even though he always has to come back. I've seen the least of him out of anybody so far because it took forever for me to get to Elysium, but two things really stand out and I'm so interested to see where they go. One, he really genuinely does care about Zagreus. He wants us safe, he wants us unhurt, the accessory he gives us only grants its bonus if we clear a room without taking injury, he keeps showing up to help. And two, he wants us to give up and go back and recognize how good we had it. Which is SO fucking interesting, considering how miserable Zagreus so clearly was, and how legitimate his reasons for being miserable were.

It makes me wonder so much about Than's standards for comparison. Does he know something we don't about what's waiting for us on the surface, something that might theoretically hurt Zagreus even more than staying down below? Has his life, which apparently allows him more freedom than anybody else in the Court, sucked horribly in ways we haven't seen, and that's why he spends so little time there in the first place? Either of those things is plausible, both of those things are plausible, and yet either one leads to this sense of patronizing, because he refuses to simply tell us. If something terrible is awaiting us, don't give us vague warnings, tell us what it is and let us decide for ourself! If you're fucking jealous because we might get out entirely and you're still stuck coming back here, say so. If you're worried about your mom--and he does bring her up, how could Zagreus turn his back on her like that, does seem to worry for her--then let's have an actual conversation about how many times she has insisted I do this and also how much I love her.

And, right, it's clear that a lot of Thanatos being upset is simply, you were going to leave me without even saying goodbye, you want to leave ME, which is understandable! But, like, he is demonstrably the one god who gets to visit the surface. He's the one person we actually COULD expect to see again. And he is absolutely also upset because there's an Order To Things, and we're fucking it up. We used to be his careless callow reckless friend who could talk back to Hades and get away with it, and now we're not, and everything is changing and we might leave him altogether, and we might leave him alone in that court without us, and he hates it.

Is it a short-sighted, selfish fear on his part? Yes, absolutely. Even if he's not scared of Hades on his own behalf, he is still frightened by what happens if we upset this system--and maybe it's the sanctity of a much bigger system than the Underworld that he's worried about! Maybe it's the whole divine and cosmic order. Whatever system he wants so badly to protect is enabling the abuse Zagreus has been dealing with for however-long he's been alive. Whatever system he wants so badly to protect OUGHT to be overturned, or at least shaken up. But this is what toxic systems DO. They convince the people within them that they have to be maintained, that a broken system that hurts the people within it is far better than no system at all, that changing the world is too scary and too dangerous. And Thanatos wants his whatever-Zagreus-is-to-him to be there, because he loves him and also because that's how the world works, and those things are all tangled up in one another, and that is how relationships are in a messed-up family like this so therefore I love it.

And Meg. Meg, the best for last, my dear, beautiful, furious, bitter, scared angry tired girl. I adore her. I am absolutely never going to date her, because the thing Zagreus needs most in his life hurts her, more directly than anybody else in the story, and that sucks, and it's not Zag's fault but they still shouldn't be together. Meg has taken more injury from this situation than anyone, quite literally as well as metaphorically, and it's not her fault any more than it's ours, but oh boy it has made her lash out and it's awful and it's perfect.

Meg's place in the Court of Hades is unique because she's not dead, not a mortal, not anything other than a god--but she's also not family. Nyx is not her mother. She's very much part of this system, she and her two sisters belong to Hades-the-realm and therefore also Hades-the-king, she can't leave, but she also doesn't have that protection of Nyx watching out for her in the same way. She's not royalty. She and her sisters (if you ask Hesiod instead of Virgil, which seems to be the interpretation the game's going with here) sprang from the blood of maimed Uranus at the same time as Aphrodite, but fuck knows Aphrodite isn't claiming them as siblings. And she can't be fired, exactly, but she sure can be demoted, and she sure can be made miserable in her job. Meg is vulnerable in a way very few people in Hades' employ are. She's a lot harder to do away with than any one random shade, but she's also a lot harder to miss blending in with a crowd.

What's more, she's the one person in this whole mess who is specifically tasked with stopping us from leaving. Hypnos isn't ordered to put us to sleep and keep us in our room. Thanatos can't be compelled or punished if he doesn't hunt us down. Achilles isn't told to lock us up and keep the keys. Meg is the one stationed at the doorway to Tartarus to keep us in. Meg is the one who gets in trouble when we leave. Meg (who Hades knows goddamn well Zagreus cares for, or cared for, who he absolutely knows we used to date) is the one who has to fight us again and again and again. And she's the one who keeps dying.

Again, it's this incredibly fucked-up guilt/hostage situation deliberately designed to keep people from fleeing abusive situations. Meg's insistence on fighting us now puts Zagreus in the position of having to hurt her himself again and again. Now suddenly we're the ones sticking a sword in our ex-girlfriend. Now suddenly someone can point to our desire to leave, to flee, to escape, and say, how selfish. How cruel. How terrible of us to want to go, when we're even willing to hurt the people we love to do it.

Except, right: Hades is the one who demands Meg stand there and stop us. Hades is the one who puts both of us in that position. Meg is also in an abusive situation, and she's willing to hurt us to protect herself. "I'd rather be on your bad side than your father's." It's easy to blame her at the start for being complicit, for being a tool of our father's abuse, for being on his side. It gets harder as the game goes on. I've killed her so many times. There's no way for her to beat me. She knows at this point that she can't beat me. She still fights, every single time, still throws herself upon that spike, not because she thinks she has any chance of stopping me but because she is so damn scared of what will happen if she doesn't try.

In fact, Meg's the one person we have actually seen face consequences for our actions so far, instead of just facing the threat of them. Her sisters are here. Her sisters, who she clearly does not want here, who are wild and violent and who she does not want in her life or anywhere near her, let alone near the job she takes so much pride in. She gets to deal with them now. (Hades doesn't have to deal with them. They're still not allowed in his court. But Meg does.) She gets stabbed, and bludgeoned, and shot, and lightning-struck, and poisoned, and every other thing we do to her. Thanatos doesn't. Nyx and Achilles and Hypnos don't. Bug Meg? Oh yes. Meg pays.

And yes, ok, she is complicit in this system. Everybody is complicit in this system. Zagreus who's trying to escape on his own behalf instead of overthrowing his father for the sake of everyone he'd otherwise be leaving behind is complicit in this system. Pointing fingers and pulling strings of who's more at fault? and who do we blame for this? is exactly how this sort of system perpetuates itself. Your sister always talked back at the dinner table and put everyone in an even worse and more violent mood. Your coworker refuses to work more than forty hours a week so now you have to take overtime to pick up their slack. You're enabling your dad by asking your sister to shut up, you're enabling your employer by working as hard as you do so you don't get fired, everyone's at fault, everyone's to blame, everyone is--

It's not everyone. It's Hades. It's Hades at the root of everything, and probably something big and institutional and fucked-up even beyond him. But even if everyone down in this Underworld does have to be trapped here forever, even if he's trapped here forever, Hades is neither challenging the system that put them here nor trying to make that fate better for anyone else stuck with him. He's just created an entire kingdom of backbiting and misery and people who can either go along with his whims or suffer the consequences.

At this point in the game, Meg is so fucking tired. Every time we run into her in the lounge, hunched over a table, the venom in her voice when she tells us "Do I look like I have anything to say to you?" is so bitter and so exhausted. There was a system, and she knew her place in the system, and it was a system divinely ordered by the gods themselves, and sure it was cruel but that's the literal will of the universe as far as she knows it. She had a role, and her role was vengeance and punishment and violence against those who'd committed the most egregious of sins in life, and there was a point to it, she was the divine deterrent to convince people not to do those things, and that was just, and that was right. The GODS THEMSELVES said so. How do you argue with that? You can't possibly argue with that!

And Zagreus is arguing with that. In trying to leave, he's questioning the unbreakable rule that nothing in the Underworld ever gets to leave it. In disobeying his father to do so, he's questioning the unbreakable rule that what the gods say is LAW. He's breaking everything.

And of course he's not trying to do any of that. He's not trying to destabilize the system at all. He's just trying to get himself out of it, to a place where he feels like he belongs and maybe a parent who's slightly nicer to him than this one. But toxic systems like this one break when the people within them have access to another option. When the kids find a way to actually leave, and not answer the phone, and not come home for holidays, and not deal with it any more. When the employees have the economic freedom to quit. When opportunities granted by education, money, social support, etc etc etc, show up and give people a choice. Even if the option is only ever for Zagreus--he's demonstrating that an option exists. Which is, of course, the one thing the system cannot ever allow.

I really like this game.

#hades game #hades spoilers #C plays stuff #driveby meta attack

924 notes · View notes

helloalycia · 4 years ago

Text

lose you [three] // leigh shaw

summary: just when you think Leigh is finally listening to you and giving you space, she happens to do the opposite

warning/s: mentions of loss and implications of death/grief

author's note: so this is the final part! this was fun to write ngl – i hope you like the conclusion! :)

part one | part two | masterlist | wattpad

"I think the colours look great like this, don't you?" I asked Jules, pointing to the screen of her laptop

She hummed in agreement as she sipped her smoothie.

"Or maybe this...," I said, preoccupied with trying out something different. "Okay, hold on, let me see."

We were both sat in this smoothie place a few stores down from her workplace, working on some more promotional material for another set of classes she was setting up.

"You know, we could easily do this at the studio," Jules commented in a knowing tone. "Or even at my house."

I glanced at her before looking back to the screen. "It's better this way."

She knew what I meant, so I knew I didn't need to elaborate. Ever since Leigh had finally gotten the hint and left me alone for the week, I'd been keeping away from her as much as I could, still trying to figure out what I was feeling. This also meant not going to her workplace or her house in case I bumped into her.

"So, you're not gonna tell me what happened between you and my sister?" Jules asked curiously, for the millionth time, leaning forward.

I scrunched my nose as I shook my head. "Not this time, Jules, sorry."

An exasperated sigh escaped her lips. "Leigh won't say anything either, so that's no fun..."

Not knowing how to respond, I simply kept quiet and continued to play around with the colour palette of the designs I'd put together. Jules watched over me, inputting her ideas every now and then and explaining her 'vision', before our time was interrupted with her phone ringing.

"Hello," she answered it casually, before continuing to speak to whoever. "...No, I've got one... no need! I'll pick one up for you."

I gave her a sideways glance as she looked the other way quickly, as if hiding something.

Her voice lowered as she continued to speak to whoever. "Yes, we're here..." She sighed. "She's fine, Leigh."

I rolled my eyes as I looked back to the laptop, trying to distract myself.

"Okay, I'll see you soon, bye," Jules mumbled before hanging up and looking back to me.

It was quiet for a moment, neither of us speaking as I clicked away on her trackpad. Figuring she wouldn't speak, I chose to.

"Was that Leigh?"

Looking down at her smoothie awkwardly, Jules nodded. "Er, yeah."

I shot her a look. "You know you can have a normal conversation with her. She is your sister after all."

Jules ran a hand through her hair. "Yes, I know, I just... I don't want to make you feel awkward."

"It's fine," I reassured her with a small smile, before looking to the screen. Unable to stop myself, I asked, "How is she?"

A pause, then: "She's good."

I nodded nonchalantly, though I was glad to hear. I wasn't heartless – I still cared about her. But my stubbornness, as Taylor liked to constantly point out, was keeping me from hearing Leigh out. Her words still rang clear in my ears, the implication louder than the words themselves. And then that made me angry all over again and I found myself in a constant cycle of needing space from Leigh and wanting to hear her out.

Trying to ignore my conflicting thoughts for the girl who wasn't even present, I continued to work on Jules' designs before she had to get back to work and so did I.

"Are you okay to come over tonight to finish those off?" she asked as I packed away my things.

I hesitated, chewing on my lip. The whole point was to avoid going to her house.

"I'll make sure Leigh isn't there," Jules promised, noticing my silence, before adding with a playful smile, "Or is that new promotion of yours too time-consuming for you to spend time with me?"

"You know that's not true," I told her with a suppressed laugh, before relaxing my shoulders and nodding slowly. "I... I guess I can come around for a little while."

"Only a few hours," she promised me.

I nodded. "Okay, sure. I guess I'll see you tonight, Jules."

She grinned. "Awesome! See you tonight."

—

I probably should have figured out that Jules was lying to me. I'd known her long enough to tell when she was playing me, but I must have been so distracted by everything that I failed to realise what she was doing until it was too late.

When I got to the Shaw residence that evening after dinner, Jules answered and let me in, promising that her sister and mum were out on a girls night so wouldn't bother us. That was the first major hint – Leigh hated spending 'girls night' with her mum.

Then, when I set my bag down in the living room, waiting for Jules to join me, I heard the front door slam shut.

Spinning around and staring into that direction of the house, I called after her. "Jules? You still here?"

Instead of Jules, Leigh stepped in the doorway, dressed in a jumper and joggers, hair messy but small smile on her lips. That's when I realised I'd been tricked.

"I'm out of here," I said instantly, grabbing my bag to go.

"No, please stay," she said pleadingly, taking a step forward, but stopping when she saw how much I didn't want to be near her right now.

"I can't believe you'd resort to such childish methods of trickery," I admitted with disbelief. "And just when I thought you were finally listening to me and giving me space."

She pressed her lips together firmly as I spoke, before saying, "You wouldn't have come if I'd called, Y/N. It was the only way to get you here."

"Of course I wouldn't have!" I said with frustration, hand on my bag strap tightening. "I didn't want to see you!"

"I know you didn't, that's why I left you tons of messages!" she exclaimed, before rolling her eyes bitterly. "Your stupid, love-struck assistant is clearly terrible at delivering said messages."

"You mean the assistant with the boyfriend?" I retorted with a glare.

Her eyebrows creased together with confusion. "She has a boyfriend?"

I groaned loudly before moving forward to leave. "I'm going."

Leigh's bitchiness dispersed as she realised what was happening. "Wait, Y/N– just wait!"

Ignoring her, I continued my approach to the door and pushed past her without sparing her a glance. I was afraid that if I did, I would say something I'd regret.

"Please!" she called after me. And I was a mere few centimetres from the door before she shouted, "I love you!"

I widened my eyes with surprise, wondering if I'd heard that right. Stopping in place, I turned around slowly and saw Leigh standing in the living room doorway with teary eyes and a quivering lip.

"I'm in love with you," she repeated, confirming my hearing. Green eyes shimmered with unshed tears as she continued, "I was stupid how I acted and I– I've treated you so horribly and you always put up with it. But not this time."

She paused, fresh tears rolling down her cheeks as she raised a shaky hand to move her hair from her eyes.

Swallowing hard, she said, "I p–push people away and I've pushed so many friends away, but y-you never left. You stayed this whole time a–and I've already lost so much, but I can't take losing you. I c–can't lose you, Y/N."

Forgetting my anger for a moment, I felt my heart ache in my chest as Leigh broke down before me. I'd seen her at her worst before, but this was different. She was choosing to be vulnerable and that never came easy to her.

"Leigh, I'm not going anywhere," I said gently, frown on my lips. "We're in a fight right now and I'm angry, yeah, but I would never leave you. Not for good."

"You say that!" she snapped, clenching her fists as more tears streamed down her cheeks. "You say that, but then blocked calls and wanting space turns into leaving because you can't take it anymore. You can't take me anymore. And I can't take it, I can't take pushing you away. I can't lose you."

She clenched her jaw, eyes piercing through me with sadness and guilt and anger all at once.

"I didn't mean to hurt you," she said, her voice softer and very unlike herself. "The kiss it– it scared me because I wanted to do it for a long time, but you're my best friend and best friends don't do that. So, I tried to forget about it, but I ended up blaming you in the process and it's not you who's at fault here, it's me. And because of that, you're going to hate me and leave and I'm going to be a–alone again and I can't do that again, n–not again, n–not–"

I drew closer to her and pulled her in for a hug, unable to take her hysterics any longer. It hurt too much, seeing her pour her truth out in such a volatile way that had clearly been building up for a while.

She cried as I held her close, pressing a kiss to her hair and rubbing her back slowly. I never meant for it to get like this. I didn't know that she was going through all of this turmoil and now I felt bad, even if she'd hate that I did.

"I'm not going anywhere, Leigh," I promised her, my own tears burning the lids of my eyes. "I swear. you're not going to lose me and I could never hate you. Don't even think that for one minute..."

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I led her to the bench by the front door and held her close, not caring that her tears were soaking my shirt or that she was clinging so tightly that I would never be able to pry her off, not unless she let go by choice.

I wasn't sure how long we sat there, but her cries eventually turned into sniffles and her head found it's way onto my shoulder. My arms wrapped around her torso, still rubbing circles onto her back, and hers clung around my shoulders tightly.

"I'm so sorry," she muttered guiltily into my neck, her warm breath tickling the skin and sending shivers down my spine.

I swallowed hard. "I know you are. I forgive you, Leigh."

She didn't say anything and I wondered why she was unable to let go and meet my eyes. Maybe it was easier to talk when we weren't looking at each other.

"I would never leave you, you know," I told her quietly, letting her know again. I'd let her know forever if it meant she'd believe me. "You can be such a bitch sometimes, but I put up with it because I love you, too."

She sighed. "But not like I love you."

I tried not to smile. "You're kidding, right? Of course like you love me. Why do you think I got so upset at your stupid date the other week?"

Finally pulling away from my neck, she faced me with confused eyes. "You said it was because I didn't reply to your messages."

I rolled my eyes. "It was because I thought that you didn't care about kissing me. I was scared that you didn't like me like that. That you thought you'd made a mistake."

Her eyes flickered between mine, as if trying to understand what I was saying. Realisation passed through them as she stroked my neck with her finger, arms still laced around my shoulders.

"So, the kiss. You didn't– you don't hate me?"

I shook my head, squeezing her waist gently. "I don't. And if you'd given me a chance, I would've kissed you back. Properly. Like–" I sucked up a nervous breath. "Like you deserve."

She didn't say anything for a moment, eyes merely reading mine intimidatingly. For once, a rare instance between us, I couldn't tell what she was thinking.

"Now's your chance," she finally spoke, before capturing my bottom lip between hers in an instant.

Unlike last time, I got over my surprise quite quickly and closed my eyes, pulling her closer by the waist and returning the kiss. Her lips were soft and salty and addictive, and when she rested her hand on my chest to gently push me away after a moment, I immediately chased her lips down again, refusing to let her go so quickly. Not when I'd waited so long for this moment.

She gasped as I swiped my tongue across her bottom lip, asking for entry. Using that as opportunity, I slipped my tongue between her lips and met hers in the middle, revelling in the taste that was Leigh Shaw. It didn't go beyond that and that was okay, as I was too busy focusing on how perfect she fit next to me, my one hand on her waist and the other on the back of her neck.

Finally pulling apart for air, she rested her forehead against mine and I opened my eyes to be submerged in pools of green. Licking her lips, she breathed out slowly.

"I don't want to lose you," she admitted in a whisper.

Pushing her hair behind her ear, I rested my hand on her jaw and caressed it. "You won't. I told you. I'm not leaving you. Not now. Not ever. I promise."

She closed her eyes, lips trembling ever so slightly. "You shouldn't make promises you can't keep."

I realised she was probably thinking back to her late husband and I didn't blame her. She'd suffered through so much and I couldn't imagine the fears she had.

"I'll keep it for as long as I can," I told her, kissing her forehead. "But know for sure that you won't be getting rid of me that easily."

She cracked a small smile through her teary eyes, nodding slightly. "I'll try to be less of a bitch."

"Hey, be as bitchy as you want," I told her playfully. "I'm not going anywhere, remember?"

She let out a small snort through her nose, barely a laugh, but it was music to my ears and it brought a smile to my lips. Finally opening her eyes, she looked to me with adoration and it made my heart beat a little faster.

"I love you," she said with the utmost sincerity.

I wiped away a stray tear of hers with the pad of my thumb and met her gaze. "I love you, too, Leigh."

Glassy eyes watched mine, content for the first time in a long time, before she pulled me in for a hug, tucking her head into my neck like it was her favourite spot in the world. I knew the feeling of her there was definitely mine.

"What do you want to do now?" I asked quietly, not wanting to break the peace we'd created.

"I'm really tired," she admitted, lips brushing my neck as she spoke.

I pressed a kiss to the side of her head, mumbling into her hair, "Let's get you to sleep then."

She hummed in agreement and I wouldn't have been surprised if she'd closed her eyes already.

"I want you to stay," she added. "To sleep with me."

Pausing, I tried not to laugh, which she realised and nudged me in the gut lightly.

"Not like that, idiot," she said, definitely giving me an eye roll even though I couldn't see her. "I mean, yes, eventually like that. If you want. But not now. Now, I just want you next to me."

Smile of adoration on my lips, I squeezed her gently. "Hmm, I'm not sure. I've got work in the morning. Early start."

She pulled away from me suddenly, frown on her lips and eyes flickering between mine disappointedly. I sighed, raising my hand and stroking her cheek.

"I'm kidding," I told her with a knowing look. "I mean, I do have work, but I'll stay if you want me to."

"Jerk," she mumbled, before standing up and pulling me up with her. "You're staying."

I kept ahold of her hand and intertwined our fingers, tugging her closer to me. She still seemed disgruntled from my joke, so I kissed her cheek, lingering for a second longer than usual, before smiling.

"Come on, grumpy pants."

She narrowed her eyes at me childishly, but continued to lead me upstairs and to her bedroom. As we walked, I remembered something.

"So, does Jules know about us? Since she helped you to trick me tonight?"

Leigh didn't bother flicking on the lights to her room when we entered, instead closing the door behind us and letting the streetlights from outside her window guide us to her bed.

"She knows we argued," she answered delicately. "I didn't know how to tell her about how I felt when I–" She sighed. "When I didn't even know how to tell you."

I nodded, not bothering to ask her about if she wanted to tell her tomorrow, or tell her mum tomorrow. Or if she wanted to wait and tell them later when we were settled into our relationship. I trusted her to talk to me when she was ready and there was no rush anyway.

"Jules is out with a friend tonight and my mum is working late," she explained their absence. "And you've slept over before so this is no different."

"True," I agreed.

A yawn escaped Leigh's lips and I couldn't help but smile at how cute she looked when she stretched her arms and scrunched her face tiredly. When she finished, she opened her eyes and saw my expression.

"What's got you all smiley?" she asked with a quirked brow.

I shook my head dismissively as she grabbed some pyjama pants from her drawer. "You're too cute is all."

Groaning loudly, she said, "God, Y/N, don't do that. Don't be all couple-y already. Especially not when it's–"

"What?" I cut her off with amusement, as she threw the pants in my face. "Complimenting you?"

"Exactly," she said like it was obvious, before waving her hand with irritation. "Just take your pants off so we can go to sleep."

I chuckled. "Eager much?"

She groaned again, but I saw a ghost of a smile playing on her lips. As I changed out of my jeans, she got under the duvet and got comfortable. I joined her soon enough, just about pulling the duvet on top of me before she grabbed my arm and forced me to roll over and spoon her from behind.

I stifled a laugh as she entwined our hands, resting them on her waist, and sighed contently.

"So, guess I can't be little spoon tonight then?" I teased, making her kick me with her foot.

"My bed, my choice," she muttered, voice heavy with fatigue.

Settling in behind her, I put my leg between hers comfortably and pressed a kiss to the exposed skin of her neck where my head lay.

"I don't mind being the big spoon," I reassured her, though I knew it wouldn't make a difference. If Leigh wanted to be cuddled, that was the end of it.

It went quiet as I appreciated how pleasant it felt with her in my arms, her body pressed closely to mine and her self radiating a comforting warmth only she seemed to possess. I could definitely get used to this.

"Y/N?"

"Yeah?"

She stopped, breathing out slowly. "Thanks for staying."

"Well, you asked so nicely and–"

"No," she cut me off quietly. "Thanks."

It took me a second to realise that she wasn't talking about just now. I smiled to myself.

"Always, Leigh."

#leigh shaw #leigh shaw x you #leigh shaw x reader #leigh shaw imagine #sorry for your loss #sorry for your loss imagine #elizabeth olsen x reader #elizabeth olsen #elizabeth olsen imagine

485 notes · View notes

ladyintree · 1 year ago

Text

taissa wants to argue. she wants to tell her that she’s wrong, that it wasn’t much of a choice, that it was something she had to do. back then, that’s the way it felt, like taissa’s life couldn’t possibly move on if she didn’t break away from everything she did, felt, and experienced in the wilderness —- and that meant the few good parts, too. that meant her. but there’s no good way to say that without twisting the knife harder, and there’s no way she can phrase it to truly make sense of it herself, not when it’s clearly coming back to haunt her, anyway, in the form of a lack of agency that she swore to herself she’d left behind.

❝ i’m not asking you to feel bad for me. fuck, ❞ she mutters in frustration, gripping the wheel tighter to avoid pounding her fist against it. her anger may be directed at mikayla now, but it’s more for herself, because mikayla’s right. she chose this, and she’s not owed any sympathy now. ❝ but you don't get to tell me how i felt. i know how i felt. i know how i felt for you, and you know how i felt too, ❞ she points out, forcing her to see that whatever she seems to think about her now, she’s wrong. taissa loved her. she loved her more than she’s ever loved anyone, even now, even with a family of her own back at home. that was never going to change; even if she could have truly let mikayla go and fully moved on with someone else in a way that felt real and genuine, her love for mikayla would still exist. it wasn’t going anywhere; it still aches in her every single day, made worse by the knowledge that she could have had it, had she just been brave enough to try. ❝ yeah. i chose it. you think any of us knew what the fuck we were doing after what happened to us? ❞ she asks in an effort to say: i was wrong, i didn’t know what i was doing, i didn’t know how wrong i could be. her jaw clenches and she shakes her head slowly. ❝ i was just trying to figure out how the fuck to get back to me. i’m not saying i didn’t go about it wrong. ❞ but that’s not to say they would have been together if she hadn’t. maybe she could have at least given her a conversation, some real closure. anything would have been better than the way she behaved —- she knows that now.

❝ you knew me, ❞ she shoots back instantly. and maybe that’s not a great defense, considering that the tai that mikayla knew should have been there, but she at least knew what tai thought of her before that. she knew the things tai reassured her of in their darkest moments out there. she knew the way tai comforted her in the moments when she actually did open up about her father. tai would never blame her for what she did to him, she hoped that much was obvious no matter what she didn’t do, and it kills her knowing that mikayla would ever question her —- that she would ever let those thoughts fester. this is where she should be saying she’s sorry, but she doesn’t know how to get there —- doesn’t know if the words might only make it so much worse for mikayla.

tai rolls her eyes, knowing she shouldn’t have said anything about it all. it probably only makes it sound so much worse, because she clearly had the drive to defend mikayla when she wasn’t around, but her time would’ve been better spent just being there for her instead, helping her mentally. ❝ it clearly does, ❞ she corrects, because it seems like mikayla has worked up these ideas in her head for a long time now. and if she wants to get them out now, then tai can take the opportunity to correct her, hopefully —- even if that doesn’t matter. ❝ guess i know what you think of me. you think i’m a fucking liar, a user, a fucking— ❞ she doesn’t finish the thought, afraid of what other words mikayla might have thought of her before. she pushes out a breath and shakes her head. ❝ but you don't get to tell me what i think of you, or what i ever thought of you. i didn’t fucking lie to you out there. what i felt was—- fuck, it was real. ❞ the most real thing she’s ever felt, even still. it’s what made her feel alive in a place and time when it was almost easier to accept that they were all dead. does she get that? ❝ so fuck you for telling me it wasn’t, ❞ she mutters, mad at herself for even saying it, because she doesn't owe her the correction —- but maybe, she owes it to herself, at least.

❝ did you know me at all? ❞ she spits out, glancing back at her in feigned amusement. ❝ because, really, you think that’s how i would’ve spent my time if i was just bored? you think i would’ve put up with the shit you put me through for months just to get with you out of boredom? ❞ it feels so ridiculous now, reminding mikayla of the time she led tai on, because it’s so high school, the way it felt back then, how frustrated tai was that she was even letting herself get that upset over it. she still wants to make her point, that a relationship would never have been the thing she sought out on her own, it just happened, and she was grateful for it back then, even if it turned sour afterwards. she still never regretted the time she spent with mikayla. she knows it’s the reason she’s alive. she knows, as hard as it is to look back on now, that she’ll always cherish their time together, even if she has to lock it away now.

❝ and that again? we kept each other alive, ❞ she reminds her again, because she refuses to let her forget the things that tai did for her. if mikayla tries to make her forget about all the things she did in the name of loving mikayla, then tai might have to accept that she just did those horrible things out of malice, and it never was. it was out of love, out of devotion to mikayla. they had to do it for each other, that’s what got them through it. ❝ we weren’t stupid for feeling what we felt, ❞ she insists, but she almost immediately regrets it, because there are times she’d try to tell herself the same, that her promise to herself senior year of not getting involved with anyone should have been kept, because she was afraid of losing someone terribly once she went to university—- and she did, in a way so much worse. maybe mikayla needs to tell herself that too to get through it. but tai is selfish, and she doesn't want her to believe that their love was for nothing. it can’t be all on her.

this time, she can’t stop herself. her hand loosens from the steering wheel, and she pounds the side of her fist against it before grabbing it again in frustration. her head turns, eyes locking with hers again, and she can feel the longing painted all over her own features, mixed with the regret and the frustration of not being able to talk to her simply now. ❝ what's the point? ❞ she asks, mostly to herself. ❝ you’re not fucking listening to me anyway. you’re not going to believe shit i say, what’s the point? ❞ i loved you, i loved you, i love you. ❝ whatever you want to believe, fine. but i don’t know how to pretend. ❞ she does now, though. she can pretend she’s a loving wife, a caring mother, no matter how empty she feels for it. ❝ not with you. never with you. ❞ it was real to her. every word she said out there, no matter how it turned out —- it was real. ❝ i’m not trying to ruin anything other than your fucking delusion. everything you're saying—- you know it’s not true. ❞ back then, tai made sure to never make her question it. she regrets giving her reason to after.

mikayla’s right to call her out, because even tai knows she’s going too far, bickering like a petty teenager. she takes a deep breath, because ‘why do you even care' is hardly a question she could ever answer. ❝ just asking. since you keep mentioning her, ❞ she notes, but she's not even sure if there's any real truth to that. she heard her mention her wife once the night before and she couldn't stop thinking about it.

the question catches her off guard, because it’s like two old friends catching up, and that's not what this is. they haven’t spoken in 25 years. of course tai’s ambitions have grown, just as she has, and she doesn’t owe her an explanation. she takes a deep breath, her fingers sliding down the steering wheel as she braces herself for whatever judgement mikayla surely has for her. ❝ it’s been the plan for at least a decade, ❞ she insists, back when she first realized that it wasn’t that far out of reach —- that she could be greedy, take a little more for herself, find power in something that may give her a way to reclaim her name entirely. it’s backfiring now, but she still wants to give her a genuine answer. ❝ it felt right. like i could make a difference, a good one. ❞ at least, that’s the regurgitated response she’s given many times before. it’s the only way she really knows how to respond. ❝ and it was the next natural step in my career. are you really that shocked? ❞ she asks, a genuine question now, noting the bitter tone.

she almost laughs, because so many of the things she’s saying now don’t feel like she’s matured —- but when they haven’t spoken since they were nineteen, it feels inevitable. she can feel it from herself, too. ❝ yeah. sure. maybe you have, ❞ she says, a hint of sarcasm mixed with her acceptance. she frowns, because it does hurt her to know she doesn't know her anymore, because getting to know her made her feel alive, it made her love harder than she knew how, and it helped tai learn a lot about herself in the process, too. she misses that. she craves the knowledge of knowing her now, of getting to be with her as she is now, even if that’s a ridiculous thought. ❝ i guess i don’t, ❞ she says, this time quieter, trying not to let her body ache at the thought.

the word ‘we’ almost makes her freeze and slam on the brakes. she doesn’t, because almost as quickly as it hits her, she’s reminded that the ‘we’ mikayla refers to does not include her. unfortunately for tai, now she's thinking about it anyway, about what it would be like to be with her again. would it be as good? now that they’ve matured, would they know better? would they be hungrier than ever, even more desperate to have each other than they ever were before? they definitely would need all the time in the world to make up for the loss —- she hopes, more than the other woman. it makes her shiver, probably too noticeably, and she has to force herself to collect her composure. ❝ then, good for the two of you. sounds like you’re better off without kids. ❞ she hates the way she feels jealous over that, hoping it’s not obvious, but now she feels guilty. she loves sammy; he just hadn’t been in her plans.

the moment she brings up her wife, she feels so much smaller, stupid for thinking for a second that she would find comfort in mikayla as she dealt with whatever may be happening again. a scowl instantly forms over her features, and her head rolls back and forth in discomfort. she doesn’t need to feel any worse for what may be happening again, and even though she definitely wasn't willing to open up to mikayla about it, the alternative is so much worse than mikayla pushing. ❝ okay, calm down, i don’t need you to be my fucking nurse, ❞ she mumbles, regretting the words as she’s brought back to a time when mikayla had said the same thing to her, a memory almost forgotten, but that’s how it always is with mikayla —- the smallest moments always remind her of something, some glimpse of mikayla’s face, her voice, anything to keep her permanently on her mind.

❝ and i definitely don't need a doctor. it’s a fucking scratch, that's all. ❞ that's putting it lightly; tai wishes she could unsee the teeth marks in her skin once she washed away the dirt and the blood, and she’s still trying to avoid thinking about what it means, but she's definitely not explaining any of that to mikayla — or her wife. it makes her wonder, though —- is that a serious offer, or just her attempt to bring up her wife again? does her wife know about her? or has she given her the same vague details that she’d given simone? ❝ i’m sure your wife wouldn’t be thrilled about meeting me, anyway, ❞ she says, mostly as a test, baiting her to give her any kind of insight on what calypso knows.

for once, mikayla hadn't been trying to get under tai's skin. it had only been to put her own mind at ease, to put it out in the open that she knows taissa never loved her. it would help, if mikayla were able to act like it was okay, but she doesn't know how— it never felt okay. it was impossible to believe for the longest time. for years, the thought that taissa didn't ever actually love her never crossed her mind, because that didn't feel like a possibility, not when she remembered how it felt. being in tai's arms was the only place she'd ever felt safe, and how could that be possible if what tai claimed to feel was a lie? but the longer they went without contact, the harder it was for mikayla to remember what it was like. the easier it became for self-doubt to creep in, for the voice of insecurity that her father instilled in her all her life to convince her that actually, tai never loved her.

for years, it was hard to believe. for years, she would go back and forth, tortured by the uncertainty. on one hand, it didn't make sense that tai didn't feel it, too, that all the nights they spent comforting each other, mikayla looking out for her when the sleep walking got bad, tai making her feel safe for the first time in her life, meant nothing. she'd remember all the things they said to each other, the way they'd make each other feel better when nobody else could, all the promises they made— but taissa never kept any of those promises. and once that started eating away at her, it became easy to chip away at the blind certainty she once had in them, until eventually, she had more arguments for why tai didn't love her than reasons why she did. she doesn't know how to explain that, how to put years of questioning into words, but mikayla also doesn't feel like she has to. because taissa doesn't care.

— or maybe thought she wouldn't, at least, so she's caught off guard by tai's reaction, glancing over at her in confusion. mikayla scrambles to think of an explanation for it, desperate not to let herself give into the hope that maybe she was wrong all these years, because she can't handle that heartbreak again. it has to just be for the sake of taissa's image, she reasons with herself, but it does nothing to dull the pain in her chest. the eye contact they make feels like another knife to her gut, this time deeper, the blade twisting. she's lying. she has to be lying. but mikayla once knew her better than anyone else, and this doesn't feel like a lie— but she has to delude herself anyway, telling herself that she doesn't know taissa anymore, that the woman is a stranger to her now, so she can't be confident in what's the truth anymore.

she keeps going, and mikayla feels like she's at risk of breaking down, having to roll her eyes to keep tears from forming in them, ignoring the massive lump in her throat. does that mean she's compared her wife to mikayla? it shouldn't surprise her, not when mikayla's constantly doing the same thing to calypso— while mikayla made a point to never date anyone who looked like taissa, it's not a coincidence that she and calypso both had their own aspirations, both successful on their own, because mikayla thought that maybe, if calypso reminded her just a little of the woman she really loved, it could be possible for her to feel that way for her instead one day. “ you chose that, ” she growls, turning to look out the window, pressing her forehead against it, allowing the tears to well in her eyes now that tai can't possibly see them. “ so it's really fucking hard for me to feel bad for you at all. ”

if it bothered her so much, why didn't she come? if she missed mikayla, if she wondered what things would have been like with her, why wasn't she there? reaching out to taissa felt impossible those five years in prison, uncertain of how to reach her, with no number, no address, no idea of where tai was outside of just the college she said she'd attend. but it was no secret where mikayla was, no excuse for tai not to call, to write, to do anything more than what she did instead. mikayla finds herself regretting saying anything at all, because all it's done is dredge up the same decades old questions she'd done her best to bury, knowing she'd get no answer. and now that she can get the answer, now that tai's here, she's terrified to ask, knowing that she wouldn't be able to hold herself together if she did.

“ i didn't know what you thought. because you weren't fucking there. ” she should have been. it shouldn't have been misty visiting her, shouldn't have been allie, shouldn't have been anyone but her. mikayla wishes she could tell her that— how every time she got a visitor, it killed her, because for a moment, she'd get her hopes up, thinking that taissa was finally there for her, that things could finally feel okay again, only to find out it was someone else. the other inmates began to taunt her for it, questioning why the girlfriend that mikayla insisted she had never came, never even called. they started to get in her head before mikayla did it to herself, asking her if she thought it was because her girlfriend couldn't stand to look at her after everything. mikayla refused to accept that, for the longest time, but when every single visitor turned out to be someone else, she began to wonder if they were right after all.

she starts to laugh, cold and bitter, because knowing that tai didn't think of her as a monster doesn't do much for now, not after spending so many years assuming she did. “ god, my hero, ” she taunts, immediately regretting it — for a second, she's teleported back in time to the first time mikayla ever said that to taissa, after their first kiss, when tai was promising to bring back help, to save her. mikayla presses her head against the window harder, using the pain to bring her back into the present, eyes squeezing shut. “ it doesn't really matter anymore. i don't care what you think of me. ” not even a believable lie, because if she didn't care, mikayla wouldn't have brought it up at all.

“ isn't it? you just wanted someone because you were bored. to keep you alive. and i was stupid enough to fucking— ” she cuts herself off with another laugh, shaking her head as she peels away from the window. for one dramatic moment, she considers just opening the door and leaving, because rolling out of the moving car would feel like bliss compared to this— the breaking of her heart all over again when tai tells her she loved her. she's not supposed to cry. she's not supposed to care at all, but her eyes burn with more tears, vision blurring. this isn't fucking fair. taissa doesn't get to just ruin all the progress she made, to make her question everything she'd learned to accept in the last decades, to fuck her up all over again.

mikayla tries to focus on the burning anger she feels, because it's easier than the sadness. it gives her something to center herself on, doing nothing to calm her— but she's able to blink the tears away, to steady her voice before she responds, her tone cold instead of hurt. “ if you actually loved me, you would have been there, ” she points out, willing herself to look over at her again, just to prove to tai that she can, that she's strong enough, even if she feels like she's breaking inside. “ if you even just cared about me, you would have been there. but you weren't. and that's fucking— fine. i got over it. i accepted it. i'm still... grateful you let me pretend out there. ” that she loved her. that mikayla was someone who could be loved at all, that she wasn't alone, that she had something good, that someone finally cared. in the moment, out there, mikayla was able to believe it, and she needed that at the time. “ even if it was just bullshit for you, you kept me alive. but you don't have to pretend i meant anything to you now. i can fucking handle it. i accepted it, ” she repeats, not sure if it's even true anymore. “ you don't get to ruin that for me, taissa. ”

she doesn't want to listen to tai defend herself. she doesn't want to hear that it's been like for the rest of them, how they could hardly be there for each other, because all she can think about it how none of them even tried to be there for her. nobody thought to keep mikayla safe. nobody seemed to wonder how hard it would be for her, trapped with other prisoners— and most of them were fine, better than mikayla would have expected, but some of them were cruel, especially the ones who already made their minds up about her based on whatever theories people began to make on the outside. but she doesn't mention that, because it should be obvious. and still, tai never cared to check on her. “ i didn't have anything to come back to, ” she explains herself, her tone flat, exhausted. she killed the only family she had in new jersey, and the girl she'd left behind didn't want her anymore; there was never any reason for mikayla to come back, but all the reason in the world to start her life somewhere else, to distance herself from all of the people who didn't care enough about her in the first place.

her chest falls with disappointment, even though she knows she shouldn't be trying to use her wife to get under tai's skin; calypso deserves better than that, especially when she's been the only person to show her genuine care in the last ten years, but mikayla can't help herself. “ why the fuck do you care? ” she asks in lieu of answering, suspecting that whatever nicknames mikayla might have for her wife don't actually matter. and admittedly, it's hard for her to think of any of them, hard for her to think about calypso at all when taissa's next to her again, reminding her how she's the one she should have ended up with instead. “ are you just that fucking bored? ”

again with the election talk, and again, mikayla wants to ask about it. she could be wrong, because they haven't seen each other in over half their lives, but she could almost swear there's doubt in tai's voice— there was once a time when mikayla would have been the one to try to ease any of those worries, those doubts, ensure her that she's going to win, because anyone would be stupid not to vote for her, and while a part of her wants to, out of habit more than anything, she knows she doesn't owe that to tai. if anything, she deserves to instill her with more doubt, to tell her she hopes she loses, but she wouldn't mean any of it. mikayla might be angry that taissa's doing so well without her, like she never existed, but she still loves her enough to want the best for her, to hope she gets everything she wants, even if that's not her. “ since when do you want to be a senator, anyway? ” she finally lets herself ask, masking her genuine curiosity with judgement. it stings a little, reminding her once again that they're strangers, but she finds some comfort in knowing that taissa knows even less about mikayla now, that she's not the only one in the dark about the other's life.

mikayla can't stand seeing her smile, her stomach twisting the way it did when they were teenagers, so she looks at the road ahead, shrugging once more. “ maybe i matured. ” she didn't, at least not in this sense. it kills her not to say what she wants to tai, to hurt her the way that tai did to her so many years ago; what stops her isn't maturity, but the refusal to let herself break down that easily. because if she gives in, she will. the emotions will get the best of her, and she'll reveal herself as the mess she really is, something mikayla can't stand to let happen. “ you don't know anything about me anymore. ” she hopes that hurts, the same way it hurts her to know that she doesn't know anything about taissa, either.

she could ask what happened, why tai would go from thinking she shouldn't be a mother to becoming one, but mikayla would rather burst her ear drums than have to listen to the details of her family. she doesn't need to hear how taissa likely did it for her, her wife, because mikayla would rather not think about that at all. which is why her own comment about sex with calypso seems to backfire, her jaw clenched in annoyance. it's stupid, childish, to be so jealous, especially when she brought it up in the first place, but it makes her feel sick, the thought of tai being with anyone else. do you ever think about me when you're with her? she wants to ask, but she knows better— not just because she shouldn't care, but because she can't admit that she does: that she finds herself thinking about tai's hands and mouth instead of calypso's, wishing it was her instead, knowing it would make her feel less empty inside if it were. “ not as much time as we'd need. ” she means her and calypso, but for a moment, she's thinking about her and taissa, how long they'd spend together, focused on only each other— but she casts the thought away just as fast.

the more she actually lets herself look at taissa, the more worried she feels. she doesn't know her anymore, like mikayla pointed out so many times before, so maybe this is just how exhausted tai looks all the time, but she can't help but feel like something's off. mikayla wonders if it still happens, having assumed that the sleepwalking went away, because maybe if it hadn't, taissa would have still needed her back then— but maybe mikayla was wrong. maybe it is still happening, but mikayla's terrified to ask. if tai wanted to talk about that, she would.

a part of mikayla knows that tai's lying, but there's no reason for her to push, the way she might have when they were teenagers. it's not her business anymore. tai's not her problem anymore. “ calypso's a doctor, ” she blurts, not sure why she even says it, because she knows tai won't accept the help— maybe it's to change the subject, getting the sense that she's not allowed to ask for more details, or maybe it's just another opportunity to try to make taissa jealous. “ if you're up for a field trip to new york, she could take a look at it. make it look better for the press, at least. ” mikayla doesn't even want her to agree, because being in the same room as taissa and her wife sounds like a fucking nightmare, but she has enough certainty that she won't to suggest it anyway.

#warpainte #arc: adult.#arc: warpainte / adult.#replies.#this whole thing is just 'why the fuck would she say that'

25 notes · View notes