#SOMEONE GIVE ME BACK THIS JOURNAL
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.(personal)
#signing off for some time#i have some things to sort through 🫡#please expect something relating to au yvverse on valentines day! (i will be back by then)#a non-snz journal entry before i leave (not expecting anyone to read this):#i think writing humor is an interesting challenge#i remember reading a book in uni where i thought the narration was very interesting and pleasing and sharp#but then reading the reviews for it half a year later and seeing people say 'i couldn't stop laughing when i was reading this' / 'people#on the train were giving me weird looks because i was laughing so hard / this is the funniest book i've read all year' etc. and i remember#feeling distinctly confused... i had not registered that the irony and the sharp commentary were supposed to be funny; they were simply#texturally interesting to me 😭 i also remember submitting a short story draft and having a professor say in workshop 'your writing is very#funny. it reminds me of [movie he liked] which i also found to be very funny'#and i was like 😃❓ (i had also not intended for the story to be funny. but i thought it was a compliment that he read it that way)#humor is so inexplicable to me#i'm working on a series which i actively want to be funny and every time i write out a joke i'm like... fretting a little internally#like do i even know what humor is 😭😭 it's like this relay race exercise where (1) i hand off a scene and (2) the audience interprets it as#playfulness... neither of us is allowed to drop the baton in order for this to work 🏃♀️ it's a little scary??!! it feels so vulnerable#i think it's an interesting problem... trying to find all of these little pockets where i can modulate the tone towards playfulness#alsooooo unrelated... these days i find myself feeling the instinctive need to apologize to everyone 😭 i thought i would be fine#but now looking at myself i'm like... girl something is broken here 😭‼️ i tried rephrasing this in like 10 different ways and#nothing seemed right. anyways for good measure: i am sorry#truthfully i still feel like just half a person sometimes#perhaps i shall reemerge from this break metamorphosed into someone more tolerable 🐛 -> 🦋
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can someone come get their siffrin he won’t stop looking at loop with such fondness in his eyes that it might as well be a physical thing, leaking into the air. actually there’s sparkles and glitter anytime they do it we’re starting to believe that’s part of it. it’s getting on everything
#<- said about my gameplay siffrin#and also the fic. of which is based on the gameplay siffrin#sif voice l + ratio + get loved idiot + you’ll always have a place in my heart + remember the journal ???#remember the journal of a cautionary tale ??#cool i want you to keep remembering it as i give you a forehead kith. to have someone by your side :]#who knows you like the back of their hand :]#sorry im thinking abt the paragraphs where loop is like. they kept looping from dormont to the house#they always stopped to visit dormont. to visit. me ?????????#reiterating. . get loved idiot#lantern says stuff#sifloop#yeah we’ll put it in there
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i barely did any journaling last year and i'm trying to do it again and my god, this thing must think i'm so cringe. i swear i'm cool, journal, and please don't judge my handwriting either
#this journal is big so it's taken me 3 inconsistent years of writing in it but it's almost full#write in it like i need to give backstory on everything in case someone?? reads it in the future. or me if i somehow forget?#going back in it is wild too because my god. The Mental illness. 2024 is when the bursts of joy come in#but i barely wrote in it last year because i've been so busy getting my shit together#my handwriting went from all caps to scribbles#i wish i had one of those lil mini printers so i could paste drawings or pics on it#prawn posts
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my city-pop themed bullet journal spread(s) for september!!
#can someone give me tips on how to take good photos#studyblr#college#planning#bullet journal#bujo#pastel aesthetic#light academia#productivity#studyspo#productive#city pop#september#back to school#monthly#monthly setup#art
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Just saw this comment on a story posted a month ago.
*cries in Eddie Munson Solo Series no one wanted to read, interact with or request for*
No shade to the person that commented this on their own fic if you recognize it. It's not their fault. I'm not mad at them. More crying in the tags.
#and no I didn't tag the solo series like I normally would because it's not about THAT. It's not about trying to get people to read it#It was just really ouchie to see the same concept I wrote 2 years ago get triple the notes in ONE MONTH.#and double the notes of my solo series masterlist in general in one month vs 2 years of my stories sitting there rotting#Then I see people saying they need more solo Eddie and I'm just here like my dudes I begged for requests. BEGGED. But bc I wasn't#/have never been a popular writer people don't want it from ME. It's like omg we want THIS but not like that. Not from you.#Can't help but let it get you down when nothing has changed in 2 years. It's not like I worked my way up and have the interaction now#that every other blog I used to commiserate with back in the day is getting currently. Fandom isn't a competition but it's not fair either#and I really struggle with that a lot of the time#Also yes I will concede I should be happy with the notes on the solo series because they are the highest of all the work on my page but#they're still nothing compared to what some people have just hours after posting a new story.#I saw someone complaining the other day that there are less new stories in the fandom than ever 1. That's simply not true. 2. Even if it wa#can you blame writers for giving up when readers are checking the same popular blogs over again or reading the same 5 tropes the same#2 pairings over and over. The same series? Over and over. Ignoring everything else and then complaining that their faves don't post enough?#That the popular writer with the incredible series (that rightfully deserves interaction) hasn't posted a new dad!eddie or rockstar!eddie#drabble in ages meanwhile there are writes out there pouring their souls into dad!eddie and no one reads it. There is so much rockstar Eddi#smut out there that it could sustain a brand new reader for an entire year before they needed a new fic#Idk man. I'm just feeling so defeated. I write for fun now. But there was a point in time where I desperately tried to build a platform by#offering requests and writing a lot of things I would not otherwise write to try and gain traction on my page and every time I see another#food fucking fic get hundreds of notes I get so sad that I wrote that stupid Melon fic because I had people in my life that told me#they would be excited to read it and for what? One of them still talks to me. The others moved on so fast. Most didn't even reblog it.#Some of them have since written their own food fucking fics that got triple the notes of my OG. Again. No shade to them. I don't own the#concept. It's just disheartening and fucking sad above all else. How hard I tried to get people to LIKE me and my stories. 😂#Just sad hours in general tonight my guys. Going to go and pour the bad feelings into Aftermath and then maybe make a bad life choice and#pour all my savings into an ipad#YES I KNOW first world problems. I know. That's why I try not to talk about it bc it seems so petty considering the state of the world#But you can't help what gets you down#EMMs Journal#EMM's Journal
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as I'm going back over my past history and items and journals and years, I come across all sorts of things, like the pencil I saved from that so-precious memory from second grade, and a pair of flip flops I've been missing for two years, and [checks notes] the modern-high-school-AU-kidnapped-by-a-serial-killer story I wrote in late high school jdfsjdfsjkjlksfd
#i can't wait to find out what red flags I didn't see in my own self back when I last read this thing in 2015 hfdhfdhjsfd#also. there's gonna be like a good sentence here and there and then CRINGE. the whole rest of everything is just me still trying to copy th#breathing pace (essentially) and ways-of-describing-things of mainstream authors like I thought I was supposed to#so this'll be somewhat painful but also god what a joy and a gift and an honor and a delight to get to hold this close to my heart#and witness it with understanding and empathy and slow reflection and care like my past younger self deserves#i'm so lucky i'm alive to be here and do this#i'm so grateful i'm headed towards welcoming back and embracing the last little girl i was that still felt a lot of things#so excited for her focus and precision and tenacity and constant curious joy and movement to be back someday#i'm afraid people won't like the me i was before rule after rule and then dangers#but my god it'll feel so good to be the fully-flowing energy machine and dance and conduit again how will I have enough bother to care?#people who are good to each others' nervous systems cumulatively feel better and better#if i'm not good for you and yours then you really truly SHOULD go elsewhere and find someone who makes YOUR self feel right and light + war#anyway now that i wrote an essay in the tags as usual [nervous laughter]#personal#add to journal#words n rhythm#WHY DID I FEEL CAPABLE OF UNDERTAKING A STORY LIKE THIS#cradling my past self gently but also BANGING my HEAD against the WALL lmao#i'm proud of myself for writing and sharing this and its creative ideas. even if i don't like it now or feel ashamed or see mistakes.#anything. it mattered that it came to me and it mattered that i explored it and it mattered that i poured myself through it to help shape i#and it mattered that I left it on the internet so that now it still exists. i'm going to honor this story no matter what current me would#objectively think about it if it was written by anyone else.#this is a gift i give myself now.#this is a lot of what I learn and learn to do#trauma evolution#mosswrites
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Multiple times recently I have seen microfiction posts get comments along the lines of "this is fake" or "what an elaborate shitpost" or even "good joke, but" and it's so strange?? How do you let someone know that there is a thing called "short fiction" that's like a book but shorter
#although on second thought that might have confused me too when i was younger#but the internet culture back then just didn't have this ripping out of context thing#if you wanted to post a short story on a forum you either gave the thread a title making it clear what it was#or you went to a forum that was specifically dedicated to posting short fiction so there was no need to clarify#on livejournal people usually made sure to give their posts easily understood titles and tags and introductory paragraphs too#but that was where i first started to see a more cryptic posting style pop up. we just didn't have reblogging yet#you had to actually visit someone's journal to see their stuff and if it was full of untitled short stories you'd get the picture#why won't tumblr let me reread my tags until i've published the post. i don't remember what i was saying :(#;
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i genuinely need to be put down like a dog i cant do this anymore man holy shit
#yall dont know the meaning of terminally online til u meet me#i hate myself so much its not even funny i am the most miserable worthless scum#my sleep schedule is 7am to 3pm all i do all day is rot on the couch and sometimes draw if i have a drop of motivation#depression is completely kicking my ass and im not even fighting back i give up what the fuck man#theres not even a point for me to keep trying i just want to stop feeling such deep despair 24/7 please#i dont want to die i just want the pain to stop so i can peacefullylive out the rest of this year before i turn 18 and its all over for good#but i cant even have that! im just gonna suffer the whole time thanks great#i wish i could just get better and fix all of this but i cant its not working we dont have the money to#actually get me the help i need to make it work. i just have to figure it out or die#i just wanna go back to ***** ** *** i just want to stop being lonely and useless#i dont know why im posting this shit to tumblr. its so stupid i should just be journaling or something#probably because im worthless selfish scum. idfk.#the last 6 months have been a complete blur. just rotting on the couch or in bed occasionally seeing friends once every other month or so#ive already wasted half of being 17 abd im probably gonna waste the rest too. ill do nothing of worth before i die.#even my art is ugly and horrible and not worth leaving behind. people tell me to work to improve it but i dont have the time left#ill never create any of the things i wanted to create ill never be a good artist im just going to die exactly like this#an absolutely terrible person.#the only people i can talk about the things that make me a terrible person with are people who are terrible in even worse ways#no one can comfort me except them because theyre the only people who know what ive done and actually do see it as less than absolute evil#because they know absolute evil because it is them. but i actually don’t believe that i think theyre bad but could be good#idk what im saying anymore#someone shoot me#please im not kidding#just make it stop#tw vent#tw sui#delete later
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i think something moonage daydream was really good at doing was capturing a vibe
#sir.txt#the thing it was second best at was painting a picture... that movie is a watercolor rendition of a galaxy to me#i feel like the linear progression of bowie's life in the movie never being marked by any specific dates not even years... it gives it that#not cut and dry feeling. none of these events exist solely in one day of one year they are something that will span longer than ourselves#one day- a couple of hours- stretched into infinity simply by the fact that they were not confined within a date#i think that's something worthy of bowie. to be immortalized not through the medium itself but by how the medium refuses to cage him within#any set parameters that would be too extreme and unsatisfying for him would he be there to choose#instead letting him trespass all those barriers and just be and transcend#my boyfriend says the film is like bowies superstar cosmic journal well i say the film is like bowies watercolor rendition of a galaxy in#formation- and all the stars are still forming and the watercolor still hasn't dried as another layer is added so shades melt within-into-#each other#like how bowie refused to keep himself caged within one style one look one identity he surpassed all of those boundaries and transformed#into something else... it is only fair that the film capture it in a similar way... all of the flashy colors and editing is just a#projection of bowies spirit itself in all its vibrancy and extravagance without being supercilious#this movie was touching but also fun for the sake of fun and eccentric for the sake of eccentricity. it's a must watch for whoever loves#bowie at his most raw and unrestrained and undefined... i felt like falling through the screen to bw held by him at several moments#BECAUSE that's what the movie is it's the galaxy wrapping its arms around the unknowing astronaut#and welcoming them into itself because nobody in this reality is actually an outsider of life- nobody passively observes the universe-#that's something that i found very moving in the film was how bowie surpassed that feeling of all-encompassing loneliness that was#what propeled him to create art... and found acceptance and loving and understood he wasn't alien to all of it.#it's very moving again like i said. but specially movingfor someone like me who struggles so hard not to simply idly observe things and let#life reject me. I can't keep letting these things write themselves into existence over and over and maybe just maybe#that film helped me snap back into a higher sense of lucidity where i realise i have to take control of my life#but like. anyway.#bowies life is very mythologised but in part it is very much a self constructed myth which he himself took the time to skillfully architect#and its such that myth ceases to be only in suspension and untangible: bowie being extraterrestrial.#he.... he integrates so much into the planet he does become an energy traversing through earth. he becomes life itself but in the least self#important way this sentiment could be expressed.#there will never be another bowie- as there will never be another dylan or reed or lennon. there will never be circumstances which will come#but to quote the movie. his life hasnt ended. only changed. thats beautiful. anyways my tags are up
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There’s going to be fig newtons at my job tomorrow and I can have some. Big things happening in my werld
#and then out to a movie with **** after me shift#which…well we just had a four hour conversation about our dynamic so it might be. well idk actually it might be fine#it’d be a way more effective conversation if we weren’t determined never to face the cold hard truth. but I’m giving myself the deadline of#summer 2025#for logistical reasons#aka I can flee ********* and ne’er come back unless ****** and **** get married or something#I have got to get a fucking journal!#sorry.#it’s just that I had to quit journaling bc every time I dwelt on my circumstances I began weeping#these tags make me sound so histrionic I am actually quite level headed and normal it’s just that I’m in a tempestuous pseudo partnership w#someone who is my best friend and roommate which is not exactly…well it is what it is! lol
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:.)
#my therapist luckily has experience with asd and even though i'm not professionally diagnosed (yet)#she's literally feeding me lines to use so i can function better and have a less horrible time in social situations#like ''i want you to practice saying 'can you give me a minute to think about it?' when someone asks a question and you're overwhelmed''#and she told me to start journaling about the things that i like. because i literally have zero idea who i actually am because i'm so used#to just being whoever anyone expects me to be. and it's not like i'm faking my personality#but rather it's like my personality is a star with lots of points on it. and when i'm alone all the points are out on display#but when i'm with people certain points will pull back into the star to add their mass to the other certain points in the star#and the points that get pulled back are the parts of me i know won't be palatable or appropriate or safe for a situation or person#and the points that grow are the parts that i know will be useful for me in a situation or help me to be likable to a person or to be safe#but it's a great effort to shrink and grow. and the star isn't the shape it's supposed to be and it hurts to be contorted#that's actually not a bad analogy. ok....writing it down...
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damn, i might just be the most asocial social sciences major, because i spent three years of my life studying communication and diplomacy yet i can't seem to understand how to do something as simple as small talk and how to make friends
#i care really deeply about people in my life i also try my best when socializing with others but somehow...somehow it always feels so fake-#from my side#i will cry for people close to me i will laugh with them but it's like i cannot really feel it#i am not acting yet it feels like it#and every time i notice that i feel like that i just seem to give up because they deserve someone who actually deeply cares#someone who can laugh with them and feel like the world is the best place there is#someone who understands what to say when they cry instead of throwing tips from academic journals and trying to understand through relating#i hate being alone but it will always be better than not giving back enough to people who deserve it#then why should i even try to bond with someone when i'll eventually let them go?#damn i'm such a cold-hearted jerk
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#OF MONSTERS AND MEN: musings.#ooc post.#you know... i hate to say it BUT in barton's case it's certainly looking like the latter 💀 JSJSJ no but all things considered the things-#that i've posted thus far in relation to barton's journal have been fairly - i wouldn't like to say tame BUT i also don't have another word#to use for it so i'm just going to go with that for now. anyhow though this made me laugh a little bit whenever i saw it BC-#it reminded me so much of barton because let me tell y'all i am NOT lying in the slightest when i say that if someone went through his-#the entirety of his journal... they might be a little alarmed to say the least sksksk and it DEF would give another character a better idea#of just how unhinged he is ahahahhh 🫠 like if you were to try to ask him why he made a certain page in it i can guarantee y'all that even-#HE might not know. like barton would really be out here doing the 'IDK' shrug while you show him this demented collage he made#a while ago and it's AHHH yeah he probably (DEFINITELY) needs to go back to therapy at the... very least to address this kind of stuff TBH#but will he? MMMM
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I actually realized i hate work. Won't be putting any effort into this anymore ♡
#sure whatever#it's funny because when i applied there i really really wanted this job#and it had nothing to do with that one person i got a little overly attached to#and when i started working there it was fine but i think really the only reason i liked it was because of that colleague#and now he's gone there's only annoying things left#also maybe i got too cuddled by him because he's always had my back until now#but i have to try to get things from the design team now and they just straight up ignore me lmao#like. my colleague asked me last week if i could ask them to edit some images which i did and they ignored me for 2 days#then HE sent them a follow up message and surprise surprise the images were there within 30 minutes#now again. he asked me to request some images and then built them into the journal#i request them. i hear nothing back. i send a follow up saying it's kinda important. i get nothing#oh well sorry man. guess you'll have to do that yourself after all (:#(i think it's really nice he's trying to give me so much more responsibility and all but if he's not there to back me up#it's literally not working because Everyone Is Ignoring Me :)))#also two weeks from now I'll be alone in our office because my other colleague who's in the same office as us#has announced she's gonna go share the office with someone else because she's gonna be alone otherwise#lol thanks#also some other shit someone posted in the group chat today which really pissed me off#AND the fact i got ignored AGAIN when i asked for work :) like bitches. i literally just watched netflix on my private laptop#while wiggling the mouse on my work laptop until i got off lmao#i won't go to the office tomorrow either#i was gonna go but i can't do shit there if i get ignored again#at least at home i can do whatever i want when they decide i should just get money for wasting my time ♡#i might actually just not work tomorrow#I'll probably log in just to see if there's any updates on the images situation but if not I'll fuck right off#fun times#(also maybe just maybe I'm generally a little negative these days. that may play into it. I'm sensing that sweet summertime blues ♡#((who cares if it's because of my father's death or because of my colleague's going away or because of general existential despair due to#university.... i'm just annoyed) )#void screams
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having a normal one over here
#i think the meds overcorrected#i cannot sleep and i am bubbling with Emotions#can i tell what most of them are? No#but there’s a lot of them#and they’re not actually super shitty??#they’d be nice if they could just dial it down a notch#also this isn’t vague posting to be clear i’m not having Emotions because anything happened#this is run-of-the-mill confusion posting#kinda nervous for the comedown after these like. several consecutive pretty great days in a row???#other than the late night panic attacks i was giving myself by reading the news#my doctor literally made me go into my settings and turn off notifs for my news apps#while telling me ‘at least you’re self aware’#(bc i knew it was the news fucking me up i just wasn’t Allowed to turn off notifs)#anyway i’ve gone on a tangent#tumblr is back to being my journal#which means i’m gonna get like. at least 3x more annoying with my posting.#anyway i’m also thinking about Women but like. what’s new right?#also it’s Pride Month if there was ever a time to be gay over women it is NOW#someone’s gonna have to talk me out of dating apps again soon#(i hate dating apps and i don’t even want to date)#(but like maybe there are other cool queer people who wanna have queer movie nights and be casually gay together)#(you never know unless you try!)#anyway i’m not gonna be embarrassed for those tags bc if you’ve read this far that’s on you#personal
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I just remembered im doing things the hard way on PURPOSE and got so spiritually hard🥴🥴🥴🥴
#i could ALSO sleep w/obsess over/lose myself in someone new..#i could do drugs i could go back begging and and pleading..i could deny and pretend and do so many things but i am🥴🥴#sitting w the feelings and F E E L I N G them...i am journaling and looking inward#i am examining it all and my own part in all of it#because yes i got screwed over royally and didnt deserve any of it but i was an active participant too#reliving my childhood and trying to change the story of abandonment#i am heartbroken but i am...so level headed all things considered#only 1 tattoo and that was all for me lol#PINK PONY SUMMER BITCHESSSSSSS#it's fall now but the pink pony is on me FOREVER#i had a lapse and forgot i need to follow her#forgot and keep forgetting that i am my own person and this does not take anything from me#if anything im getting more of myself back#no more giving it to someone who doesnt cherish and treasure it#but i will#i love myself. no more abandoning him for anyone#im so special and fun and cool and interesting...omg.
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