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solalunar-eclipse · 4 years

Text

Scars You Can’t See - Chapter 12

Chapter title: Beliefs

Word count: about 4100 words

Author’s Note: How did I write over four thousand words?? Mostly I’m just grateful this chapter got out in time, but still. Wow.

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...

Over the next few days, Team Sonic dedicated their time to helping their counterparts recover from the exhausting ordeal of the past couple weeks. Tails worked to replace some of Omega’s burnt-out wiring (from his attack on G.U.N.), while Knuckles and Sonic...well, they wanted to take care of Rouge and Shadow, but it was very difficult when both Mobians kept insisting that they were “fine really, don’t worry about us so much” despite looking like they could collapse at any second.

The general stress level on the island was only raised upon a second call from the president, since she requested that a few of them come see her to discuss what should be done with G.U.N. at her office. Shadow and Rouge obviously weren’t going. Neither of them were ready to deal with the president, let alone the press (even if the latter continued to insist otherwise). The sheer idea of being in the same city as G.U.N. had especially shaken Shadow, even if he refused to say so.

Sonic had seen how he cringed at the mere idea.

Since Knuckles absolutely refused to leave his island, it was decided that Sonic, Tails, and Omega would travel together to see the president and hear what she had to say. She seemed pretty trustworthy, and if any of her staff wasn’t...they’d be able to handle themselves just fine.

While Tails helped haul Omega into the back seat of the Tornado (an impressive feat considering that he’d used to struggle with lifting Sonic in his early years) and prepared for takeoff, the hedgehog in question was zipping all around the island, trying to make sure everything would be okay while he was away and unable to defend his friends.

“You guys are sure you’re gonna be alright?” he asked for what was probably the fifth time, after Shadow had needed to physically stop him from starting a mini-whirlwind.

“Yes, Blue, we’ll be fine. Now go! You don’t want to keep the president waiting!” Rouge insisted, pushing the worried hero towards the Tornado.

He twisted around, trying to make eye contact with both of them. “You’re really, really-”

“Sonic.” Shadow said calmly. “It’s going to be alright. I promise.”

The hero could practically feel his body untense, finally willing to jump onto the top wing of the biplane and prepare for takeoff. Before Tails fired up the engine, he took one last look at his friends.

Knuckles had walked up beside Rouge and looked like he wanted to put his arm around her waist without being awkward...which just made him look awkward anyway. The bat took the initiative herself, leaning against him comfortably. Her eyes were back to teal again, since she and Shadow had both taken out their contacts pretty quickly.

Rouge had taken off her leather jacket by now, and Sonic could see it lying on the altar next to Omega’s generator- Angel Island was pretty warm, after all. Shadow was still wearing his hoodie, though he’d taken off the glasses. Omega had tried them on once out of curiosity and nearly broken them in the process...so the hybrid simply hadn’t bothered with it after that. His quills were still in a ponytail, which Sonic wasn’t complaining about in the slightest. (It was a good look on him, that was all!)

He switched on his earpiece and settled into his ‘flight’ position once again. “You guys read me?”

“Loud and clear, hon.” Rouge said. “Now go!”

The Tornado’s engine kicked up a roar as the plane wheeled down the clearing and began to lift off the ground. Knuckles and Shadow both waved, while Rouge opted for a mock-salute, which Sonic returned cheerfully as the plane pulled up above the altar.

He crouched low on the top wing as Tails pulled into a turn, angling the plane so that their course was set for Central City yet again. The fox switched on the turbo engine, too, but it would still take them about an hour and a half to reach the city at this rate.

To pass the time, Tails and Omega started talking almost immediately about how they needed to take some time in the workshop to fix up the latter’s various dents and scratches. Both of them seemed pretty excited about this- the former because he’d get to return to his workshop, the latter for style reasons, and both because they’d get to spend time together. Somewhere along the way, Omega insisted loudly that Tails “must return me to my original color as soon as it is possible to do so.”, clearly less than happy about his current paint job.

Sonic sighed as the conversation turned to advanced technical terminology, feeling a little bored. It was a little funny for him to say so, considering that he was blasting through the sky on a biplane going at speeds rivaling advanced jets...but here he was. Bored.

He tapped his feet, trying to look for shapes in the clouds or enjoy the feeling of the wind on his face, anything to avoid checking how long they’d been up in the air….

Too late.

The hero sighed loudly upon discovering that it had only been ten minutes since takeoff. How could something that was usually so cool be so...just...not?

Sonic quickly decided that he had to call up Angel Island right now so that he could find somebody to talk to. As the earpiece patched through to the other end, he heard a sudden “Ngh-” followed by a loud sigh.

“Hey, everything okay there?” he asked, resulting in a startlingly high shriek from the other end.

“Sonic! Don’t do that!” Shadow hissed at him. “Give me a little warning next time!”

“There’s, like, actually no way for me to do that without talking.” Sonic shot back cheerfully, feeling more upbeat already.

“Ugh.” the hybrid groaned, before some sort of thud came through the mike.

“Seriously, though, you okay?”

Shadow sighed. “I’ve spent the past four minutes walking through a tangled, vine-filled forest in any direction that is away from the altar. It could be worse, but it could be better too.”

Sonic frowned, worried. “And why were you walking away from the altar? Are Rouge and Knuckles with you?”

“No.” the hybrid muttered. “They’re kind of busy making out. At the altar. Which is why I’m not there, obviously.”

“Aw, man...they probably just missed each other a lot.”

Shadow sighed. “I know they did, and I’m not judging them. But they deserve some privacy, and I really deserve to not have to watch that.”

Sonic grinned. “Hah! That’s fair. So whatcha doing now?”

“Lying on the ground next to a lake and watching some Flickies on a tree. You?”

“Sitting on the plane. And bored. Or, at least I was. Bored, I mean.” Sonic amended quickly.

The hybrid snickered. “I’d hope you’re still sitting on the plane.”

His smile only grew. Talking with Shadow was always fun- he didn’t know why he hadn’t called sooner!

“Soooo...you feelin’ any better after those power naps of yours?” he asked curiously.

“Actually, yes. Mostly it helps to not be looking over my shoulder all the time.” Shadow sighed again. “It’s…” he trailed off, clearly embarrassed.

“Hey, you can tell me!” Sonic said encouragingly.

“It's difficult to adjust. I...still catch myself looking over my shoulder only to see it’s a fly buzzing, not a plane, or something like that. I shouldn’t be, but I am.”

Sonic wished he was back at the island already so that he could give Shadow all the comfort he deserved. “There won’t be any planes there, Shadow. I mean it. And none of that ‘shouldn’t’ talk, either, ‘kay? It’s alright to be a little stressed, just remember everything’s gonna turn out fine.”

“That means a lot...thank you. Again.”

Sonic could feel a grin spreading across his whole face. “No problem! Now, what I really need to tell ya about is……”

He spent the rest of the flight chatting with the hybrid, catching him up on all the jokes, memes and random news he’d missed over the past couple of weeks. Shadow was eager to listen, and Sonic was so glad to finally be able to tell him everything that he swore he’d never take his friend’s presence for granted again.

Eventually, though, he was pulled back to reality in the middle of a particularly passionate explanation of why exactly it was so cool that the Tomatopotamus 2 movie’s release date was finally out when Tails tapped on his shoulder. “Uh, Sonic? We’re here now.”

“What?” The hero glanced down, only to discover that yes, Central City was in fact right beneath them. “No way, that was like twenty minutes!”

Omega shook his head. “Correction: it has been an hour and twenty minutes.” He sounded smug for some reason, and Sonic glowered at the robot irritably.

“I guess I gotta go for now, sorry.” he sighed into the earpiece.

“Good luck to all three of you.” Shadow said. “I’ll be listening in, and I’ll go break up Knuckles and Rouge now.”

“Good luck to you.” Sonic snickered. He could practically hear Shadow roll his eyes at that one.

They coasted to a stop on the back lawn of the president’s home, the hedgehog pointedly ignoring Tails and Omega’s conversation about the theory of relativity, or something along those lines. Even though he didn’t know what exactly they were talking about, he could guess, and he didn’t approve. At all.

Sonic hopped off the wing of the plane before it had even finished landing the moment he spotted someone on the grass, waving hello as the president herself walked over to greet them. He rushed over to her, taking her hand and shaking it happily.

He and the president had spoken a few times before- being a hero meant he ended up talking with quite a few famous people, but she was one of his favorites. She was relatively young compared to most of the others who had held that title, but she handled herself with the confidence and strength she deserved (and needed) for this station.

“Hey there! How’s the job?” he asked with an understanding grin, knowing all too well how it felt to be responsible for large groups of people at a time.

She dropped his hand (and the remaining air of formality) in favor of running copper fingers tiredly through her hair, letting out a long sigh. “These last few days have been tough, but I know it’s probably not as much stress as you guys have been dealing with. Still sorry about that, by the way.”

Sonic looked up at her, still sympathetic. “It’s not your fault. I bet you’ve probably got a lot on your plate too- dealing with this fallout ain’t gonna be easy.”

“I know, but it’s what I have to do. For your friends, and for everyone.” she said, squaring her shoulders determinedly.

Tails rushed over not long after, having parked and shut down the plane by now. “Hi, Ms. President! How are you?”

“Hello, Tails,” she said. Impressively, she was one of the few adults who refused to talk down to the young fox, instead treating him like the mature person he was. (This definitely earned her a few extra points in Sonic’s book.) “I’m perfectly alright...I hope you all aren’t doing too badly.”

The president had the thoughtfulness to at least look a little awkward at that, clearly embarrassed by the fact that some of the United Federation’s most famed heroes were now essentially unable to live in the country without being in serious danger.

Omega greeted her as well as he made his way over, clearly alright with being at least somewhat decent to the woman who had helped shut down G.U.N.

“Would you like to come inside?” she asked politely. “I promise, there’s nothing inside but some Secret Service...and hopefully cake, if I requested it early enough.” she added with a warmer smile.

“What are we here for?” the robot asked bluntly, unprepared to trust as easily as the two Mobians were.

“Right!” she said, taking his question in stride. “I’m working on a new set of rules with the congressional branch that deal with some of the problems within G.U.N. so that they don’t crop up in the future, as well as trying to figure out what to do with them in general- so I wanted your opinion on both of those subjects! As long as that’s alright with you?”

Shadow spoke up in Sonic’s ear. “Rouge is interested and so am I.”

“Totally!” Sonic chirped, following her inside. Omega agreed with Rouge and Shadow (somewhat reluctantly), having tapped into the hero’s communications as they were landing.

Halfway up the stairs to the president’s office, the first lady came rushing in the opposite direction, apologizing all the while for getting in their way. “Hi, Sonic! Hi Tails! Hello, Omega! So nice to see you! Sorry, the cat’s gotten loose again…” she sighed, sagging against the railing briefly.

“We really need to get him a tracking collar, don’t we?” The president shook her head, her soft Afro bouncing as she pinched the bridge of her nose briefly. “Good luck finding him, anyway.”

“Have fun in your meeting!” the first lady chirped, winking overdramatically at her wife for emphasis before rushing off in search of their cat.

Tails grinned up at the president. “I know how you feel...sometimes I want to get a tracker chip for Sonic when he stays out too long on a run.”

“Hey!” the hero protested, but nobody seemed to be terribly worried about his pride. He could hear Knuckles, Shadow and Rouge laughing in his ear, too, and he pouted, wishing more than anything that he could offer a snappy comeback- but he couldn’t give away the fact that he had an earpiece in.

The president invited them into her office and began to lay out her plans for how to improve the country. The legislative body was working with her on some sort of complete shutdown and restructuring of G.U.N.- it seemed like there were going to be new leaders, new hiring processes, review systems, a different set of priorities…and that was just the start.

It was a lot, but Sonic was glad that she’d at least given them the opportunity to hear about these plans. Shadow and Rouge got to provide their input as well, which was great, but only through Omega, not Sonic. They would’ve trusted the president with that information, for sure, but the two members of the Secret Service behind her desk?

No way.

Especially not when Rouge recognized one of them from G.U.N.’s special training programs. They might not be close enough with the organization for it to really mean anything, but the group definitely didn’t want to take chances.

Partway through the meeting (not long after the cake arrived), the main phone on the president’s desk rang, startling everyone out of their conversation. She picked it up with a calm “Hello?”, but her eyes quickly widened as the person on the other end began to speak.

“Thank you.” she said quickly, before putting the phone down. Her eyes met Sonic’s, and he felt his stomach drop. The hero suddenly wished he hadn’t eaten just yet…

“Three representatives of G.U.N. are at the front gate.” the president said quietly.

The hero heard a gasp in his ear. He wasn’t sure who had done so, but the sound made his surprise morph quickly into defensiveness. “Omega. Tails. Do you guys want to meet with them?” he asked coolly, his face losing most of its expression.

“I would...like to do so.” the robot said.

Tails met Sonic’s gaze. “Yeah, same here.”

They moved to the main conference room, and the three heroes stood at one end of a long table, waiting for the members of G.U.N. to appear. It didn’t take long before they were buzzed in, and Sonic could feel himself shifting into a more confrontational stance, prepared to fight if necessary.

The commander was the first one to enter the room. His presence immediately raised everyone’s tension levels- at the very least, he seemed to be aware of it. He almost looked...a little embarrassed?

The silence on the other end of the communicator was near-deafening.

He was followed almost immediately by an agent that Sonic didn’t recognize, a wolf who seemed more than a little bit awkward and apologetic. She sat down to his left, sneaking glances at each of the three heroes in the room.

After that, a skinny, pale sort of guy entered the room, looking incredibly full of himself. Sonic wasn’t usually one to get bad first impressions of people, but this person irritated him almost immediately. Omega obviously recognized him- and not in a good way- as he began to make several loud clicking noises not unlike those of guns loading. On purpose, of course.

The commander sat down last (still seeming less than comfortable), cleared his throat, and looked up at the other three. “Before I speak, is there anything you would like to say?”

Sonic, Tails and Omega regarded him in stony silence.

He shuffled some of the papers in front of him and sighed quietly. “I would like to begin by apologizing for the distress I and the organization I serve have caused to you and your friends. All of you. I wish...no, I should have handled this in a different manner- requested a meeting, spoken with you first, done something to ensure that my intentions did not appear malicious. But instead…

“...instead I have distanced myself from three of the most skilled people ever to serve under my command, as well as further tarnished G.U.N.’s already ruined reputation. I…” The commander sighed here. This speech was already taking a lot out of him, Sonic could tell.

“I fear that my father’s views have heavily influenced my own, to say the absolute least, especially regarding my job and what needed to be done to serve this organization. ‘Shoot first and ask questions later’ was a favorite motto of his, and one that I accepted for a long, long time...my family has discussed with me lately (and quite gently, perhaps more so than I deserve) about how that ideology is problematic, to say the least.

“I liked to think I was not a bad person. That I was being more open-minded. But now I see that I was foolish to believe as much. I chose to try and salvage G.U.N., to cover up the mistakes as others have done before me because it was ‘for the good of the country’, because ‘other people wouldn’t understand what needs to be done’, and more. My guilty conscience wishes I would blame my father for my mistakes, but at some point, one must take responsibility for one’s own failures.

“Particularly…” and here he looked directly at the three of them, though he almost seemed to be searching for someone else instead, “...having alienated the last person on this planet who truly can comprehend the life I have led.”

Sonic realized with a start that he was talking about Shadow.

“All I can say now is that as of tomorrow, I am resigning as commander of G.U.N. I clearly have not succeeded in improving this organization at all, so I believe a new, younger face...someone without prior biases or contacts...would be better for us now.”

The hero heard gasps in both his ears- one from Rouge and Shadow, the other from the wiry man in front of him. Said human immediately started stammering at the commander, asking him why in the world he thought this was a good idea. The older man in turn merely waved him off with a stern word or two, forcing the other human to sink back into his seat with an obviously displeased expression.

The lavender wolf, the president, Omega, and Tails, on the other hand, all seemed to approve of the commander’s decision, as did Sonic. The hero felt nothing but relief now, hoping that finally, the big things could start to change for the better.

They spoke a little longer, the tensions mostly eased now (with the exception of the skinny guy, of course, who Rouge irritably identified as the less-than-respectful PR officer that the team had spoken to way back in the beginning). The conversation wasn’t very important, just polite nonsense about how change should be made soon and all that.

Things weren’t comfortable by any means, and they shouldn’t have been, but...Sonic felt a little lighter at the thought that someone important in G.U.N. at least accepted what was going on.

As the three heroes left, the commander asked them for one favor. “Could you please tell Shadow and Rouge that I apologize for the way G.U.N. has behaved? The way in which I have commanded this organization is wrong...I can see that now.”

Sonic offered him a quick flash of a grin, realizing that the commander truly didn’t know about his earpiece, nor Omega’s connection. “Hey, being able to apologize says a lot, too. I’ll be sure to let them know, don’t worry.”

“Thank you, and safe travels.”

“You too, alright?” he replied politely, before hopping onto the Tornado with a wave.

The flight back seemed to take forever (really, this time), partly because Sonic was dying to get back and partly because his friends seemed too busy talking seriously to chat. He tried his best to bask in the feeling of hope, but it was difficult to focus when his excitement was rising with each passing second.

As soon as they landed, he jumped off and ran over to his friends. “It’s gonna be alright now, guys!” he said, grinning at them. “You’re gonna go home soon!”

Rouge gave him a big smile back, before rushing over to Omega to celebrate. “Did you hear that, Omega? We’ll be home in a couple of weeks, max! Shadow-”

She trailed off, watching him carefully. The hybrid was staring down at the ground, his hands trembling slightly. “It’s...done? Then what now? What should we do?” he asked, trying to keep his voice calm and failing miserably. Sonic’s ears drooped a little as he heard the shake in his friend’s voice.

“Now you get to rest. You’ve earned it, you know that? I know it’s tough to just...go back and chill after everything, but you gotta know when to let other people carry on the work ya started, alright?” Sonic said carefully, stepping closer and closer to Shadow. His hands hovered slightly over his friend’s arms, unwilling to touch the hybrid unless he was alright with it first.

Suddenly, Shadow leaned into Sonic’s chest, his eyes shut tightly, clearly fighting back some sort of emotion. The hero held his friend tightly, sinking to his knees in an attempt to comfort Shadow better. Rouge and Omega rushed over, holding him tight as well. “Hey…” the bat said gently, “Shadow, we’re all going to be okay, I promise. We can stop now.”

“How do we know? What if something happens and it all goes wrong-”

Sonic stopped him right there. “We can set up whatever you need to feel comfortable, but trust me, we’ll all make sure nothing goes wrong. I’ll hold the president to her word, and so will everyone else here.”

“But...nobody’s ever really been able to stop G.U.N. before...not even me.” Shadow said quietly.

“There are more people on your side now, Shadow.” Omega replied, looking down at him. “You are not alone in this fight- so many others want this too.”

“I’ll have to wait and see before I can believe that.” he muttered, sighing.

Tails and Knuckles walked over too, the former offering him a hopeful smile and the latter clapping a hand on his shoulder. “You guys can stay here a while longer, I guess, until everything’s sorted out.” the echidna said, trying his best to help.

“Yeah!” Sonic cheered. “We’ll make sure this all gets fixed up properly, alright?”

Shadow smiled faintly at him. “I’ll hold you to that, Sonic.”

The hero couldn’t help but grin back, all his hope for his friend bursting through. And when Shadow’s smile grew just that little bit more real, he was determined to do absolutely whatever it took to make the hybrid smile properly again and again, without any fear holding him back.

He knew, without a doubt, that Shadow was more than deserving of all the happiness in the world.

#shadow the hedgehog #rouge the bat #e 123 omega #sonic the hedgehog #miles tails prower #knuckles the echidna #whoa that's a lot of people #scars you can't see #sycs #sol's fanfiction #i almost thought i wouldn't be able to get this out in time...#life has decided to throw lots of work at me so the last chapter might be a couple of days late #we'll see #also a few clarifications:#the commander is beginning to realize that his father taught him about the world in a very very biased way #and feels pretty bad about it #i didn't know how to end this since it was the chapter with the least planning behind it #so hopefully it turned out alright #and finally #i tried to make it clear that the president is Black but in a respectful way #if i failed to do that then please please please let me know and i will change it #also hopefully shadow wasn't too ooc at the end there #:S #hope you enjoyed the update and have a wonderful day!

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maranello · 3 years

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… but Ferrari was better today? Charles was battling a Red Bull… *the* Red Bull? And I was watching the times and there were moments that Charles was faster than Max. And Carlos with the old engine was really holding his own. Yeah they both had slow stops. But a lot of teams had slow stops. Checo had a slow stop. DR had a slow stop. Could be the temps as well. Part of me felt it was (thermodynamics and metallurgy thing - and before people criticize me for saying this, because I go through this a lot, I hold degrees in both Physics and Engineering). I remember races before when conditions were too hot or cold, there were a lot of pitstop issues. I think they were great today but the weather was a huge factor… and that was down to Charles. Cuz Carlos def made the right call, telling the team even before the rain really started pouring.

I’m just a bit confused about why people think Ferrari suck so much this season. They were bad last season, yes. But they improved so much this year. I’ve been watching since 1996-1997 (I’m old) and I think this is soooo much better than some of the seasons I’ve watched. I don’t know if people expect them to go from stupid to winners in one year. Cuz engineering wise, that’s a hard ask. Not impossible, but a hard ask.

Sorry, its just that I have been a Ferrari fan my entire life, and chose to my studies in the hopes I do get to work in an F1 team. And in the slim chance I do (lol not happening. Got my degrees anyway,) its like I feel I won’t ever be able to make the fans happy and it sucks and it makes me so demotivated to try. I understand the passion of the tifosi, since I am one myself, but I also understand how frustrating it is for the team to get results like this and think that “wow… ok promising, we can do this. Step in the right direction!” then somehow, fans are still disappointed.

To be clear, I’m not having a go at anyone. I’m really trying to understand.

Oh, not at all, this is interesting for me to read!

I was mostly speaking from emotions, really. I don't think Ferrari sucks that much this season (esp compared to the last one!) and I actually have a lot of faith in the team taking small steps in the right direction! But sometimes, be it bad luck or even small misjudgments, I think we tifosi take it especially hard in the moment because of that same amount of passion and pure emotion it is to be/watch a race as tifosi. Rationally speaking, our team wasn't the only one who made slow pit stops or the wrong calls, and there are definitely positives to take away from how Carlos' side of the garage bounced back as well as Charles' amazing pace throughout the race (and how he was managing the tyres too imo!) We even got a podium, which is a great result for the team!

Emotionally speaking however, I am gutted for the team as a whole that Charles was doing so well and had the position to do so much better but have nothing to show for it in the end. And it has felt like luck just really hasn't been on his side this whole season even though he has been driving really consistently and getting better all the time. And it's hard to see other people label Ferrari as clowns or some bs for making mistakes like making the wrong call/having miscommunication with Charles on changing to inters and the pit stops because it's so perpetuated and tired. I just desperately want Ferrari to be good on all fronts as soon as possible because I know next year is important and I know everyone on the team has been working really hard, and I just want everyone else to be able to see it and appreciate it. Basically, I think public opinion outside of tifosi or even with tifosi have not been very kind to Ferrari for a long, long time. The expectation to be on top, the force that the team has to make you believe it will win- that comes with the cost of making it difficult emotionally when it's not there yet or when it has failed to deliver on that promise for nearing 15 years now :')

but I do genuinely believe that we are working in the right direction. things like strategy, however, is just harder for like an average fan to understand how to improve on THAT front in particular, and that's been one of Ferrari's Achilles heels in our past championship contentions since well. 2007. and if we’re not fixing that now, and everyone has a feeling that the 2022 regulations can be a good opportunity for us.........

Also for Charles in particular, his season has been some epic highs, underrated consistent driving that goes unsung, and devastating lows. largely A Series of Unfortunate Events lately. and to lose a good result today within just the last laps only to end up all the way down in P15 with nothing to show for..........that hurts

#maranello.ask #anon #idk if this makes sense #but yeah #tifosi i think....#we just take it very personally #which is what makes Ferrari special #but also painful too #because I want Ferrari to be perfect #and it's hard to be happy when idt the team would also be not happy with this result #aka nothing to show for the progress and hard work everyone put in #discussion & analysis #ferrari debrief room

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aceavatar · 4 years

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Warmth

18 yr old Aang x Female reader

Genre: FLUFF

Word count: 2417

Warnings: mentions of death

Dialogue like this: “hello” is speech

Dialogue like this: ‘hello’ is sign

Y/n was quiet.

Her voice was, but her mind wasn’t.

She was always thinking about something interesting. Science, history, agriculture, bending forms, legends, she knew about them all. But she never spoke of them.

She could physically speak, but mentally couldn’t. When a fire nation soldier almost ended her life, she couldn’t call for help. That’s how it all started.

She carried around paper, pens, and ink so she could communicate with people in the small fire nation village.

Despite being an earthbender, after the incident, she ran away. She ran until she found herself in a foreign village. Thankfully, a kind woman who owned an orphanage welcomed her with open arms and an understanding mind.

Y/n walked cautiously and blended in. She survived. She was pushing through, just letting the days pass in a haze.

She always felt like she was a puzzle that was missing a piece. For most of her life, she assumed it was her parents. While she had people who cared about her, it was never a parent’s love. Never love for her real self, never love just for her.

She gave up on it. When she turned 13 and the 100 year war ended, she decided that she would push her feelings away and travel.

After three long weeks of walking, you finally reached a stopping point. A beautiful little town was your stopping point, for now of course.

Using your bending, you made a little tent out of earth to sleep in. Next, you put all of your things in the tent and made a stone door so nobody could steal anything. You made your way to the small village that was a little ways away from camp to get some dinner from the market.

You admired the quant place, scanning your eyes around until you saw a fruit stand.

You gently walked over and looked at what was on sale. You picked out an apple, a pear, and some cherries.

“That’ll be four pieces.” The man behind the counter said, smiling.

Your face dropped. You left the money in your bag. You held up a finger, signaling him to wait a second.

“Everything okay, ma’am?” He asked.

You shook your head no, pulling your empty pockets out, showing you didn’t have money.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I can’t give it to you for free, my father would kill me.” He said with a frown.

“I got it!” A new voice said.

You and the fruit stand guy turned your heads to see the new person.

He was tall, probably around your age, wearing a hood covering most of his face, and had pale skin.

He dropped the four pieces into the stand guy’s hand and scooped up the fruit.

You put your hand to your chin and then move it down in front of you, signing a thank you.

“You’re welcome.” He said, easily understanding you.

You motioned your hand for him to follow you, and he did, carrying the fruit.

He followed you all the way to your little makeshift campsite.

“Hey, are you an earthbender?” He asked.

You nodded, gently taking the fruit from him and setting it down. You bent the tent door thing open and grab your bag, pulling out four coins. You held your hand out to give them to the boy. He just shook his head.

“It’s on me.” He said kindly.

You thanked him again, and offered him a cherry. He picked it up and smiled, putting it in his mouth as you put one in yours.

You grabbed your writing supplies and started to write.

While you did that, the boy earthbended a little seat for him to sit on, in front of the fire you hadn’t made yet.

Hi! My name is y/n. I don’t speak. Thank you for paying for me.

You handed him the paper and he read it. “Nice to meet you, y/n! My name is Aang. You’re very welcome. When traveling, you can rely on the kindness of strangers.”

Maybe when you’re the avatar.

You wrote down, jokingly of course, with a smile.

He laughed and pulled his hood away from his face, feeling comfortable around you. “That is true.”

You grinned at him, tossing him another cherry.

“Want me to start that fire for you?” He asked.

You nodded, glad you wouldn’t have to figure out how to light it yourself.

He quickly sent a little flame into the wood, which lit up.

You signed thank you, again.

“I can read sign, you know.” He said.

You smiled.

‘Thank goodness.’

He smiled at you. “So, what has got you traveling?” He asked.

‘Needed to get away. Lived in an orphanage. Need to find myself.’ You signed.

He nodded. “I understand needing to get away.”

‘Is that why you travel?’

“Yeah.”

‘What happened?’

He looked hurt by the question. You quickly shook your hands, signaling him never mind.

“It’s okay. I broke up with Katara.” He frowned.

‘You defeated firelord with her, right?’

He nodded. “I dunno. I thought she was the one.”

‘I’m sorry, Aang.’ You signed.

“It’s all right. I needed to get away too. And find myself, as well. I didn’t realize that until you mentioned it. She was a part of me.”

You nodded in understanding.

“So, enough about me and my sad stuff,” he said, brushing off the subject, “why are you looking for yourself?”

‘Sad stuff.’ You signed, making both of you laugh. It ended up turning a little serious, though.

“That’s why you don’t talk too?”

You nodded.

“I’m sorry for whatever happened. We are in an era of peace now. It will get better.”

‘Thank you for that, by the way.’

“My pleasure!” He laughed a little.

‘Soooo, how old are you?’ You signed, trying to get to really know this famous kid.

“Eighteen. Well, one hundred and eighteen technically.” He laughed, “you?”

‘18 as well.’ You smiled.

“Do you know where you’re going?” Aang asked you.

‘No.’

“Me either. Wanna travel with me?” He asked. “I kinda need a friend right now.”

‘Yes!’ You signed excitedly. ‘You’re my first friend.’

“Well y/n, I’m honored to have that title.” He said with a smile.

The two of you traveled high and low. He wore a hood because he was tired of constantly getting recognized. He enjoyed seeing everyone he met, but he just wanted to be a normal teenager for a while. It was about a month after you two met when:

‘Aang,’ you signed, tapping his shoulder.

He turned around and raised his eyebrows. His greyish eyes met yours kindly.

“Yes?”

‘Cold.’ You signed.

He nodded and bent a little fire in his hands, warming them. He then took yours and held them in between his.

You smiled and looked at him thankfully, mouthing the words thank you to him.

He smiled. That was the closest you had gotten to talking to him.

“How about we stop for the evening?” Aang asked. You nodded.

The two of you made yourselves your tents of earth, and you set up a little fire pit. It was cold; the two of you were traveling to the South Pole to see his friend Sokka. He said any friend of his was a friend of yours, and how you needed to meet them.

After eating a small dinner, the two of you said good night to each other and went to your tents.

You curled up on the ground in your sleeping bag, closing your eyes.

A few hours later, your eyes snapped open from a nightmare. You sat up, rubbing your eyes.

You sighed, bending open the tent door. A cold air whooshed in, chilling you to the bone. You glanced at the fire pit, which was barely smoldering any more.

You reluctantly stood up, wrapping your arms around yourself, and made your way over to Aang’s tent.

You knocked on the rock, hoping it would wake him.

It did not.

You sighed, deciding to open his door.

Inside, you saw him curled up in his sleeping bag.

You tapped his leg, hoping that THAT would wake him, but no.

That boy was a heavy sleeper.

You sighed, and decided to do something you never did.

“Aang?” You whispered. “Aang.” You whispered, more forcefully, shaking him a little.

His eyes snapped open, and he sat up abruptly. “Y/n, are you all right?” He asked, worried.

You nodded, signing, ‘cold.’

“Here, come on in.” Aang said, bending the tent to be a little bit bigger, scooting to the side so there’d be more room.

You stepped in, and sat down next to him. He closed the door and made a little fire in his hands, illuminating the dark little tent.

You both looked at the flame, then at each other.

Aang looked back down and passed the flame to one hand, bending water from the air with the other.

He put the two together, making a “tsssssssss” noise, making steam.

Warm steam.

You smiled, inhaling the warmth.

“Now, sleep? We’ve got a long day tomorrow.” Aang said after a minute.

You opened your eyes and looked at the boy holding a flame so you could see each other. You nodded and smiled at him, and he smiled back.

“Sleep next to me, we’ll both be warmer.” He said tiredly, patting the area beside him.

You nodded and lay next to him.

In the morning, the two of you woke up, arms and legs tangled together.

You never knew how much you loved affection until that day. You just never had it, and you didn’t know what you were missing until then.

“Good morning, y/n.” Aang said tiredly.

“Good morning, Aang.” You said back.

He sighed, then opened his eyes in realization.

“Y-you, you said something!” He gasped. He really loved the sound of your voice, he wanted to hear it more.

“I did,” you murmured, looking at him.

He beamed and hugged you tight, feeling pride and lucky that he was the first to hear what you sounded like. He felt special. It made him tear up a little.

“I love your voice.” He said.

“I love yours too.” You replied quietly, still not having found your voice quite yet.

It was weird for you, speaking was. But it made Aang so happy, and it made communication easier, so you stuck with it, even though it was still mixed with sign, and took some getting used to.

“We’re almost there.” Aang commented.

“It’s getting dark though.” You said.

Aang nodded, making a flame in his hands. It emitted light, but not quite enough.

He sighed, “Where’s Appa when you need him!”

‘Appa?’ You asked.

He nodded. “My flying bison.”

Your jaw dropped, you had never seen one before. To be fair, you hadn’t really seen much at all, but you knew Appa was a rarity.

“I can’t wait to meet him.” You whispered.

“He’s gonna love you!” Aang grinned, throwing an arm around your shoulder.

He discovered you loved being touched, so he decided when he could, he’d be close to you and physical, whether it was bumping shoulders, leaning on each other, or sharing warmth from his hands. He really liked making you happy. In fact, he hadn’t even thought about Katara since he started traveling with you.

While he loved his friends dearly, you were the breath of fresh air that he needed.

“Camp?” You asked Aang.

“Yeah.” He said, setting his bag down. You set yours next to him, and you made the tent for the night. It wasn’t so big you couldn’t feel the heat, but it wasn’t super cramped either.

The two of you walked in and sat down. You eagerly held out your hands, dying to feel warmth from Aang.

He closed his eyes and breathed out of his nose, steaming up the tent. He then reached out and took your hands in his and warmed them.

You smiled at the feeling, both of the warmth and his hands.

“Let’s put our sleeping bags together tonight, what do you think?” You asked Aang.

He nodded. “Good by me.”

The two of you got situated, facing each other. You decided to take another risk. You cuddled into him, moving your arms around his waist and pulling him closer.

It surprised him a little, but he certainly didn’t mind. He pulled you closer, and you put your head on his chest, his rested on yours.

You sighed, smiling a little bit. “Your heart’s racing.”

“So’s yours.” Aang commented back, making you laugh a little.

You gently drew circles onto his back under his shirt with your now warm hands. He closed his eyes happily.

“Hey, what happened here?” You asked, feeling a scar.

“Lighting. From Azula.” He murmurs.

“The princess?”

“Mhm.”

“I’m sorry.” You said.

“Don’t be. I survived.” He smiled a little bit.

You looked up at him, making him glance down at you to see what you were doing.

“I like your eyes.” He says absentmindedly.

“Thank you,” You laughed. “I like your tattoos.”

He laughed a little too, then went back to the moment.

He gently put his hand on your cheek, making you close your eyes.

Now it was his turn to take a risk.

He moved down and gently kissed you.

You slowly opened your eyes with a smile on your face, only to see a bald blushing teenager.

“I’m sorry, I-”

You cut him off with another soft kiss.

“I really like you.” He finished his sentence.

“I really like you too.” You said back.

He smiled and hugged you tighter, closer to him.

The only thoughts going through Aang’s mind were how lucky he was that you were his. How he thought he had his life figured out, but when it turned upside down, he realized something. Maybe it wasn’t right side up to begin with. You stabilized him, and gave him the love that he lost over one hundred years ago. That hurt spot in his heart, not from the lightning, but from losing his people, almost went away when he was with you. Especially when you were in his arms and when your lips were on his.

That was a feeling he never wanted to let go of.

You were a puzzle.

You found the missing piece.

The feelings you pushed away came rushing in.

You felt happy.

You felt special.

You felt loved.

You were happy.

You were special.

You were loved.

#avatar #avatar the last airbender #aang x reader #atla #atla fanfic #atla aang

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icharchivist · 3 years

Note

hello icha!! i finally got around to finishing the stranger haha,, by which i mean i just watched it today. was veryyyy excited for it as i really like the poster design for this one. anyways. this event starting w/ the sort of portrait format or whatever / that narration is like. god. threw me right back to autumn troupe. I kind of love that the storytelling format itself is so distinct for autumn! the moment I realized it was omi I started getting teary… like oh man oh man… omi…. And the connection with him taking photos! ahh!! now that I think about it… omi kind of seems a bit like early version tsumugi, huh? also I keep forgetting this man is a college student lol. suspension of disbelief I suppose. onto the play i think like. mankai should invest in a fainting courch for tsuzuru. i also went to watch the play and 1) im betting yuki had a hell of a time costume design wise like the vines on the body? such fun costuming wise and 2) the ethical implications of whatever this play has,,, fun fun. tsuzuru was clearly having some kind of thoughts. i love zeros design and am always up for a3 characters crossdressing bc 1) i think its fun and 2) the costume design. i also dearly wish this whole thing was animated bc I feel like it’d be o fun to see taichi act as zero. or at least I hope this event gets full voiced one day... moving on to the scene where omi adds soy sauce to the paella I know it’s just like haha homare funny so lets five him a lil bit but like everyone in autumn troupe making their comments on the paella and like homare just jumping in. homare autumn troupe besties. just thinking. also the way they just r like. no no no omi it’s fine if u made a mistake!! it’s ok! we like it (you) anyways <3 it’s got it’s own special taste. something something omi’s perfectly pleasant as he is now but even if he weren’t on his a-game and was dealing with all of the biker gang stuff they would love him just as hard. another thing that got me was omi telling banri that he’ll give him something sweet so juza will stop grinding his teeth in his sleep… guys… guys you’ll give him cavities…. mb omi is a college student after all lol.

anyways when i saw the actual costumes. appreciative of them, i like the lil circuit-esque detailing on banri’s outfit, and that sakyo and taichi (nine and zero) both share that like collar detail? its very symbolic and probably also literal but its a nice way to sort of signify their relation to each other visually! also sakyo just looks nice. seeing him without glasses is so great. whoever thought up the like two mole detail for him was doing gods work.

something that confused me was ryo mistaking juza for nachi for a split second? like. does juza… look similar to nachi? or was it just that ryo only heard juzas voice and made that mistake. if it’s appearance wise too. kumon nachi confirmed. I’m joking lol bc I feel like I would’ve heard at least something abt it in one of the like small conversation comments, plus that doesnt seem like itd fit summer troupes style and kumon is for sure the wrong age… but still.

i really like how for this event, the roles for taichi and omi were kinda reversed. and taichis just so like. idk. smiley. rly lifts ur spirits. its kind of nice how this event contrasts to that cg where taichi is crying on omi. I also think like. idk. considering the story of the stranger. wolf gives zero a sense of purpose and life and I think that zero helps wolf lose his apathy. it’s about “the stranger” and the ending makes him like… not a stranger, right? because he’s got a companion. in the same way, taichi brings omi out of his emotional isolation. the picture taking! also the stickers coming back… thats such a good setup! the found family of it all!!

when he was trying to work out zeros character as soon as taichi mentioned a sharp speaking style I KNEW it was Yuki… yuki would never be as honest as zero is though lol… to me i imagine she’s got a sort of juza internal monologue feel? anyways. the taichi yuki dynamic intrigues me. havent yet decided how I feel abt it but when I do… yes. sorry that I make literally no sense. I think it’s very obvious that yuki is my fav chara kind of? I’m just. hmmm it makes me think! I’ve been monologuing to myself abt the yuki and juza dynamic lately which, to my a3 knowledge so far, doesn’t exist, but its ok bc I’ll make it exist! uhhh anyways this event was very good i liked the pacing. i think it didnt drag too hard and it really properly honed in on just omi and taichi, which was quite nice. they really did a lot for just an event!

time to listen to the event song,,, ok so. ah. i rly enjoyed just for myself it was very much to my taste so. out of curiousity i was like ok lemme look up the composer / producer AND IT WAS YUYOYUPPE....... that guy is like!!!! one of my FAV producers ever!!!!!! i know him from like. his vocaloid days and god leia is still one of my fav songs to this day...! this knowledge gives me so much joy omg!!! like wow!! wowwww!!! like i knew yuyoyuppe was out there doing other stuff (i know he worked on a lot of babymetal music which is cool) but like idk. to suddenly encounter it like this. heheh.... its so nice! made me soooo happy. going to relisten to leia now haha

WAIT ONE MORE THING. i was like "haha let me look at other songs i remember liking a lot" which. for me was rakuen oasis and don't cry. anyways. rakuen oasis is ALSO by yuyoyuppe???? oh my god!!! oh my god... sigh. feel like im in heaven.

OH HI FRIEND!! so good to see you with an a3 update!! :D

godd yeah The Stranger started so strongly and the idea to still incorporate portraits in his story was really something to make us cry!

And linking Omi and Tsumugi like this is pretty interesting :O <hat is your reasoning exactly? :O

For the fainting couch for Tsuzuru LMAO and i'm letting you know there's a webcomics that addresses it in Act 2 (hough there's no spoilers aside from the fact Chikage is here)

Im glad you liked the costume and the play!!! yeah i love the designs and it is always a blast to see them this into it, and yeaaah Tsuzuru has thoughts huh. It'll get voiced sooner than later hopefully and there we'll see more in details :3c but also that's what made the seiyuu live so fun bc they perform the songs in play cosplay and replay a bit of the play everytime and it's *chief kiss*

HOMARE AUTUMN TROUPE SOLIDARITY YES. LOVING IT.

And yeah the scene itself was so cute TwT they all want to reassure Omi and be there for him it's so sweet :( but yeah i love how you say it all, Omiimi TwT

and dLKFJDFLKJFDFD Giving Juza cavities is the price to pay for sleep i guess??

yeah agreed on the costume they all look so cool! and nice catch on how those three seem linked like that with their costumes, Yuki (and the designers) does such a good job! and god yeah for Sakyo.. yeah. He has sucha good design dLKJFDF

aND DLKFJD yeah no Juza is supposed to look like Nachi physically, but mostly his face? like i think Nachi was had green hair? we see a sprite of him in a future story, and yeah, everything is in the eyebrows. so Kumon should be safe? Omi mentions he sees a lot of Nachi in Juza, and while it is mostly due to their passions i think, the fact they're also rough looking guy with a heart of gold must play a part as well. but yeah, he does look like Nachi a bit.

and i love your deeper analysis of the event yeah!!

I feel like Taichi is really an emotional core of the troupe in the sense that is, he tends to catch on what others are feelings easily. And he uses it in the early chapters to ease off the tensions and stuff, but he was being held back by knowing he was deceiving them. So now that he's more free, he can be more of himself. but yeah i also love the contrast with how Omi was the one to help Taichi through his breakdown and guilt, and now it's the other way around, it's Taichi helping him through it. and the parallelism between the play and their dynamic is spot on imo! well said!!

and god yeah the sticker things made me cry sO HARD, and the pictures! and everything!! sobs it's such a sweet found family i'm going to cry :(

And! i love what you say about Yuki, Taichi and Juza on this one. I love that Taichi keeps bringing it back to "that childhood friend" and it's always like. so obvious who it is for us rip. But it can make you wonder if Yuki was more honest as a kiddo when Taichi knew him, though now he's clearly not. I love the mention of how Zero is more like Juza's internal speech (which, if anything is another argument about why you should let Juza wear a dress, cOWARD)

but also your mention of the Yuki and Juza thing, while i can't think of them having a dynamic per se yet, but i actually wrote a post during my reread about how i was baffled at the fact they treated Muku the same way?? like both of them tried to push Muku away because they were scared of how people would react if they say pure, sweet Muku was associated to them. And i find it fascinating because i guess those two are pretty aware of how the world see them, and it used to stop them from fully allowing them to be themselves.

I also find it relevant with the fact Yuki says in his personal song that while all of this way people judge him weight on him, he rather be himself, and "I want to love myself". Meanwhile we have Juza who's also aware of the way people judge him and it weight on him, and he wants to change himself from this person he hates, this self loathing - and in a way, he can grow in a way to be "someone" he may not hate, even on stage. I feel like those two have quite a bit in common in this way of being rejected by their peers in some sort of way.

I really want them to share some stuff at some point because there's really a groundwork on it all :(

But i'm really glad you liked that event!! agreed on the pacing and i do love what it brings to the characters! it really fleshes them out and have them move forward a little and it's pretty sweet.

AND OMG THAT'S SO COOL FOR THE SONG!! i'm so glad you liked it, but that's incredible it turned out to be from one of your fav producer!!! ahah sometimes life is like that where you end up finding the stuff you loved back into new stuff! and the fact Rakuen Oasis was from him as well... that's so cool!!! just, so so cool!

im pretty sure he has more songs going forward so i hope you'll enjoy the ride even more!!

thank you once again for sharing your thoughts about a3 :3c it always makes me so happy to see them!!!

Thank youu <3 have a good day :3c

#ichareply #ichafantalks a3 #sonnets of beauty #long post for ts

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shaekingshitup · 4 years

Text

Shae’s First Date

For anyone who is bored: the most brief (that I can recap because ya girl is a lengthy heaux) summary of my first date goes as follows:

EDIT: THIS SHIT AIN'T BRIEF. SORRY NOT SORRY 🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️ But I put a TLDR at the end.

I matched with a guy on Bumble who had some cool hobbies and some of which overlapped with mine. We talked daily for almost 2 weeks before we met up in person and the guy was a very big charmer/woo-er. Like if I was messaging this kid I was constantly laughing and smiling

Tbh this was a lil bit of a red flag to me becauae I'm like: "no one is this charming. Something has gotta be up" & I legit came up with a few different scenarios. But I chose to shelf them because people do that to me all the time.

Like I'm just a really loving person and I will gas people up or go out of my way to make them happy if I can and people always want to try me like that can't truly be how/who I am or if I'm doing it it's because I'm trying to get at that person and they are always wrong. All the way from best friends to new acquaintances I really just like when people are happy. I mean the world's shitty already, if I can make your day easier or put smile on your face I'm game!

So we're on the phone one night (stayed up to 3 am sacrificing my sleep talking to this dude 🙄) talking more about who we are as people, what we're looking for in an ideal partner, etc. I told him straight up both via call and via message that honesty is really important to me. I value honesty with myself and also with others.

So also in this late night call things got a lil spicy 🌶 🌶 I was honest and told him that I'm pretty much a blank slate. Never fucked/sucked, etc or had anything like that done to me. He was taken aback like everyone I share this with is. Apparently I'm some sort of unicorn 🦄 out here in these streets to all y'all hoes. He makes a comment about stealing a kiss from me the next night and I said "I might allow it."

But the point is. I told him what it was. I was honest. That's my truth.

I didn't tell him that I'd never been on a date/kissed anyone because he didn't ask. Maybe if I would've said something, things would've been different. But I can't "what if" what's already happened y'all!

SO, day of. We messagin and snapping. I'm allll ready. We're going to a drive in and I'd never been to one before so I'm excited. I'm also just committed to making this a good time because I easily get distracted and often don't stop to take my experiences in to experience them fully. So I said not today!!

I got snacks. All of his favs and some of mine. I brought drinks and a blanket. I looked good.

Like I said in my pre-date post: I didn't have any lofty ideas about this dude being my soul mate or anything but I anticipated a good time.

He picked me up at our designated location. My sister met him and got his license plate; because apparently I had enough sense to realize I didn't know this nigga but not enough sense to later realize I didn't know this nigga.

It wasn't gonna take as long to get to the drive in as originally anticipated. So we went to a local park and sat in the car and talked because the park was PACKED and ya know RONA!

It was somewhat awkward because it was our first time talking face to face. But we found a groove and I'm extroverted af y'all. So, I can get people to have a conversation.

Topics range from our days, music and conspiracy theories which he's really into. What kind? Like: Shakespeare wrote the Bible is one. A lot of people that we know from media aren't really the original ones that we were introduced to is another. Ya know like that Beyoncé is not the real Beyoncé. There's two Trumps. There's two Hilary Clintons etc.

So at this point sensible me is like: this can be the point where you go home girl. You're 5 minutes away from your place. You can just say this ain't workin and cut it short.

OPTIMISTIC/BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT GIVIN/NAIVE SILLY ME IS LIKE: well, I 100% don't agree with anything you're saying just because you're saying it. But ya know, I don't know everything and I'm not in the business of judging people-especially since we just met and I don't want this human to feel uncomfortable. So, okay. I don't agree. But I won't judge. Let's just continue on.

If you haven't guessed by now which me I listened to, you may be just as silly as I am 🙃🙃🙃

But obviously I continued on and that's what I call mistake #1

So we're driving to the drive in. I'm realizing we're kind of different in ways. Most notable is that dude was raised Jehovah's Witnesses and celebrates 0 holidays & I'm in love with Halloween and at least birthdays.

We miss the drive in entrance due to my poor navi skills & he decides to smoke before we pull in. He offers it to me and I accept. This is mistake #2

Ya girl hasn't smoked in 6 years. I tried edibles recently. But that shit ain't the same. I really just feel like I said I wanted to be present and then I smoked and I was tired and everything was kind of dull?

So I'm high and sleepy but still a lil excited because it's my first drive in!! We get there and park and the drive in is really just a giant protection screen we all park in front of. Lmao. 😅 Idk what I was expectin but not that. But it was still cool. It's 10 and this movie still hasn't started because the last one is still showin credits.

Dude says he wants to chill in the back but he's going to the bathroom. I AM SLEEPY. THAT IS WHAT WEED DOES TO ME. Plus I was on the phone til 3 AM. So I'm like imma close my eyes before this thing starts since it's already late.

So while he goes to the bathroom I legit laid down in the back on a pillow because ya girl is a sleepy heaux 😴

He comes back and pits the pillow in his lap and is talking to me because this movie ain't started yet. My eyes are closed but I'm listening and everything and he's massaging my shoulders and whatnot. Eventually advertisements about common courtesy come on and what not. But that's not important and I don't move.

Soo he says something I'M ASSUMING IT WAS ABOUT THE KISS (I don't remember y'all. I'm about to skimp on some of these details because that high was really kickin in and I was feelin foggy.) But, I said "I would allow it." And he kissed me.

It honestly felt anticlimactic as fuck. Yeah my mind is kind of foggy because of the weed so I feel like I wasn't as fully cognizant as I would have been if I was sober minded. But also, it just happened

I'm in my head af. I've never done this and I'm sure I'm shit at it but I'm trying not to be ya know? Dude's tongue is in my mouth. His hand is under my romper.

So, I'm a roll with the punches kind of human and the rest of the film we pretty much are making out (lowkey meh), groping (I hate this word) & watching Deadpool ( for people who needed that detail)

As previously stated, all of this shit is new to me. But, I'm also not a "prude". I chose not to kiss/fuck anyone prior to this because it was what I wanted for a period of time. I couldn't do much in the date department because I was just not approached often or by people I wanted to entertain. But the opportunities for all that physical shit were presented and I chose not to just like I chose to engage in those activities on this date. I'm real big on not judging nor regretting those choices because those were what I wanted at one point and that's it. Soo if you got opinions about what I was out here doin, keep em to yaself.

We ended up making out and I feel like it was cool.. but just not great. We did other shit minus actual fucking. But it all just felt pretty muted to me. Not bad. Not uncomfortable. Just not great and I think in hindsight it was because I a) really didn't know and have an established connection with this dude and b) I was high.

He really wanted me to suck his dick and I was really hesitant to do that. Not even that much because I was checking off a lot of "firsts' or anything like that but because I swore I was gonna be shit at it due to 0 experience and that was what I told him. Like, I wanna be good at shit and also I would like if the person I was hooking up with was actually enjoying being with me ya know? Is that not a thing? Y'all just be out here tryna get ya nut and say fuck it to whomever you with? Lemme be a unicorn then. 🦄

But anyways, I did this and he says like nothing. I'm in my head af trying to recall upon all of my BP smut I've read and trying not to suck at sucking (SO THANKS TO ALL OF Y'ALL WHO BE WRITING SMUT!!). After a few minutes the car turns off and Ryan Reynold's ain't talking anymore. Sooo I take this as a sign that I should stop and tell him as much.

He turns the car back on so we can still hear the movie & I'm pretty much like half watching the movie and talking to him like: "Soooo. I did that and I feel like I was right." To which he responds, "I've had worse," which is like ya know the compliment of the century and the most reassuring feedback you can give someone who is insecure about shit they've never done.

We still ended up making out and I gave him a handjob and finished the movie. I can't recall if it was at this point or when he drove me home but he basically implied that I was a liar and that is the shit that literally makes me wanna go back in time and tell former me to never say yes to a date with this nigga.

He drove me home and I was pretty quiet listening to Ari Lennox (💕) and thinking/processing. He gets to my place and we're talking now that we're parked and tells me that he thought I probably wasn't right about never having sex before. He told me I probably just had sex like 3 years ago and it had been so long that's why I said that and that's why my pussy is so tight.

So, I'm real life hurt. I like to consider myself to be someone who has a good character and I am really big on honesty.

So I asked him why he said that if I told him from jump what it was. He told me that his ex lied a lot and that he just couldn't believe me..

And I know for certain that his assumption was independent of any of my actions. He literally just told me so. He projected his insecurities onto me. But I'm a sensitive ass heaux and that shit still shook me. PBS raised me right. I don't be out here lyin & I don't like when people try to tell me who tf I am.

We pretty much just ended up arguing about the night and he was doing it on purpose because he thinks it's sexy when women are mad. But when I get mad, I get done. If I let enough shit slide and you have the audacity to try and flip my script, I will fucking write you out of it.

Then I looked up at the time and realized I was sitting in this car arguing with nigga for at least 25 minutes. So I was just like: bitch, why are you still here?

I told him straight up that when I got out of that car he could forget about talking to me altogether and he was like: "I'll let you know when I make it home."

I told him he need not bother because apparently I'd finally gained some damn sense. I exited the car. He left. He hit me up when he made it home but I just deleted the app and removed him off of snap because I meant that shit.

TLDR; Went on my first date with a conspiracy theorist I matched with on Bumble and he told me I lied about my lack of sexual history.

#bumble #first date #drive in #story time #short stime #i need my mutuals to pray for me #because lordt #deadpool #ryan reynolds #ari lennox #personal #mine #big time sigh #im sorry I can't add the keep reading tab on mobile tk!

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modern-oedipus · 4 years

Text

Covid Vent

No one: Nila, who goes out maybe once in a month due to covid: *listens to coffee shop sounds in youtube to get in mood* It’s really hard to maintain social isolation now that it has been 5 months. But the cases are going up and up and up, hitting my friends and their families. I myself had to split houses with my mother because she had covid cases in her work place. I don’t think I’d isolate myself this much if I wasn’t in the risk group, but I am. Knowing that I am most likely to go to intensive care and experience the trouble breathing again like I did during the asthma treatment is not good. The potential permanent damage on lungs, for someone like me whose lungs are already more prone to sickness compared to healthy people, is also a big no, considering that I’m only in my early twenties and if everything goes well and I live a normal life I’d live around 50 more years. 50 more years with a disability or isolating myself at home? Isolation, obviously. But this pandemic doesn’t seem to be stopping anytime soon. I am only indoors because both my internships are online & college hasn’t started yet. I know that I’ll eventually have to go out if my college doesn’t switch to online education. It doesn’t scare me at all, though, I am not like, “anxious”. I’m concerned, disturbed, alert, but not in a paranoid anxiety. If I end up catching covid, I’m at least mentally prepared to deal with it. I’m also eating healthy and exercising and don’t really have health problems except for that past-lung-treatments that more or less put me to a risk group (risky enough to concern me, even though I don’t have a chronic illness), so who knows, I might just pass it like a flu as well. No one knows. It’s not good overthinking covid, all I can do is to keep social distancing & mask & hygiene, as always. I’m just so suffocated. I’m more prone to be an extrovert. Before pandemic, I’d only use my house to sleep I’d keep being out in public, attending events, ORGANIZING events, going to coffee shops, club meetings, lots and lots of stage plays, tours, everything. I’d sneak into my friends’ dorms and change cities and just so many more “normal” fun things. I was barely starting to enjoy my life again after the depression healed. Now, I’m mentally ok, but physically trapped. The “watch netflix, read books, stay home” thing is kind of overdosing me right now. I like this shit for a week maybe, not for 5 months. I don’t know how to not risk my mental health while keeping my physical health anymore. Of course, to even HAVE a mental health I need to stay alive, so I’m not complaining- health care workers, people who go to job everyday (including my parents), etc. are in such a harder situation. I know. But my own life is also valid, and while not as troubling and concerning as lives of others right now, well, I think I’m still worth caring, at least by myself. I don’t expect any extra outside compassion or validation (we all are in same situation), me writing my thoughts here is more of me just trying to see my thoughts being worded on screen so that maybe I can come up with a solution to these things as I go. Because I’ve always been a problem-solver rather than just merely venting. (I can’t always solve problems though, I need to work on accepting this fact.) Anyway, I just thought, maybe spending more time outdoors in the natural park that is close to my house could be a good thing. But it’s crowded since it’s outdoors and I really don’t want to share any commonly used areas right now. (I used to be more than okay with this before covid, as I said, I’m mostly extroverted and I like community gatherings, but I like being healthy more), so like... Idk, maybe I can just sort of have phone calls and videochats with my friends as I sit outdoors. Except I don’t even know I have that many friends anymore. I mean, I do- I surely do have bestest of friends in my life that I’m grateful for, but like. I am somehow an introvert magnet and while I’d die for most of my best friends (both irl and online) I don’t really think they are as hype about just chatting as often as I am. (I know that this doesn’t mean they love me any less. They love me in their own way & I love them in their own way so that’s OK.) So like. Maybe Nila, have this BRILLIANT idea of making more friends. Except. Like. You’re at home so you aren’t in much of social gatherings [you aren’t in any! That is insane!] and you don’t really know how to make friends from home. I mean, yes there are online friends but like. EVEN WITH THEM. How can I just *trust* them right away? I can’t, so like. I don’t know. I’m bored af. On the bright side, today one of my bff from school called me and said he’s back in town and that we should catch up, he’s literally one of the greatest company ever and he wants to see the doggo, so I’m positive we can just have hour 9242309204 hours long in-depth chats again without getting bored (amazing to have people like that in my life). Anyway. I guess the moral of this is:

- I need to accept “the new normal”

- I need to protect myself but try to keep my mental health as good as possible because I like myself more when my mental health is fine and I can also come up with better creations then

- I need to finish my course work (internship) so that I can relax before school starts

- I need to spend more time outdoors but in isolated areas (good luck finding them!)

- I need to recharge

- I “want to” make more friends or just check up on existing ones! I can’t use the word “need” for this because this would degrade the freedom of the other party. Friends are appreciated, and to some extend, a necessity for social creatures like us, but no “need” will make it happen. I will just make an effort to check up on my existing friends more frequently-- I’m quite selective at this, though, I prefer generally upbringing people who are mature to a certain extend (aka, no obsession, no passive-aggression. yes to personal boundaries, yes to an overall nice attitude [we all can have problems and that’s ok and that’s normal. what /I/ personally don’t wish to be around [with my all respect] is this mindset of “life is a disaster let’s be depressed” thing. I just love love my current friend circle because even if my close friends are just around 7 people, and even if we get depressed or sad or scared, our general look to life is nicer, we don’t make disasters out of regular days, we enjoy talking and chatting, which overall increases our life quality and makes it better. We also communicate & respect & listen to each other and all. I mean. It’s not like that with everyone, and that’s ok, but as I said, this is my personal preference. I prefer having bonds that are good rather than toxic and I am doing my best to be equally good, rather than being toxic to my friends. [I’m sorry I post a lot of Banana Fish to those who don’t know Banana Fish, ok. I know ur bored but like I just cannot help it. I’m trying to tone it down but BANANA FISH.] sOOOOOOOO, SOOOO that’s why it’s not how “i have 29420343204 friends uwu” mindset, like, I noticed I need to be reasonably picky with those I’m close to so that I and people I love can overall have a nice, fun days, which is point of friendship. (I mean. As I said. I’m here on bad days too. But I don’t feel mentally healthy enough to carry the burden of someone else’s depression. It hasn’t even been two months since I’m out of therapy yet, and my mental health is, while not bad, it is fragile. I’d rather not be around those who can [mostly, unwillingly] effect me badly. SO LIKE. - that’s one hell of a long post nila, but long story short FRIENDS or you’ll die out of boredom

- also just finish your coursework i beg you

- thanks for coming to my ted talk, I actually always offer potential solutions on my vent posts, but this time i wanted to write this publicly [i dont think anyone will read this and i dont mind it] because like. why not? it’s just me thinking and I feel as if this could be of use for some people who are reading this & isolating themselves too. anyway, i love u, stay safe.

#quarantine #covid19 #social isolation #social distancing #mental health #friendship #health #nila stuff

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sherlollydramoine · 5 years

Text

If You Only Knew

This is a request by @breadnbutternips thank you for recommending about six million songs before this one stuck and the ideas started flowing. You are my favorite music lady… and I seriously can’t thank you enough for the recommendations.

This is a song fic based on Shinedown’s “If You Only Knew”.. fic title taken from the song! :)

This immediately follows the song fic I wrote called Eyes Closed so I’d recommend you read that one first if you haven’t already. Just like in the other piece the text messages are in bold and the song lyrics are in italics.

Thank you to @xmxisxforxmaybe for your suggestions and edits. :) Love you! You have really been an incredible cheerleader for this piece and I don’t know if I have enough words to truly thank you!!

Warnings: ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST, sad Rami, alcohol consumption, cigarette smoking, depression, insomnia, and language.

Word Count: 3,445

If you only knew I’m hanging by a thread, the web I spin for you. If you only knew I’d sacrifice my beating heart before I’d lose you. I still hold onto the letters you returned. I swear I lived and learned.

It’s 4:03 and I can’t sleep. Without you next to me I toss and turn like the sea. If I drown tonight, bring me back to life. Breathe your breath in me. The only thing I still believe in is you, if you only knew.

Laying in bed staring at the ceiling again. It’s another one of those nights, the kind where sleep remains elusive and the brain can’t slow down. I can’t help it really but I wish she was here right now because I’m still not understanding why she walked away four months ago and never returned. It wasn’t like we’d never fought before because we had, or did, and often. No matter what had ever happened though she’d never just disappeared after an argument because we’d never had a problem working through everything together. Sure things were never perfect with us but we’d always managed to navigate our way through all of the hurts.

I find it increasingly difficult to manage my feelings about this entire situation. She’d not only left us behind, but also everything she owned, which left me trapped in a living breathing memory. Some days or nights depending on my work schedule I awake barely able to breathe and even now, on the worst nights, I still find myself reaching out for her. I hate the fact that I’m still so irrevocably in love with her and I’m barely hanging on. I miss her so badly the ache in my chest is always unbearable.

I’ve barely been able to sleep since she left, all I can do is toss and turn in a way that reminds me of the sea during a storm. Oddly, that’s exactly what I feel like emotionally, physically, and mentally. Some days I feel like with just the slightest provocation I lash out at those closest to me with the anger and rage bubbling just beneath the surface. Other times I am constantly on the verge of tears, ready to break down and let all the hurt leave my body through my eyes.

People in my life keep trying to tell me to move on, to let her and us go but I can’t. I often tell them that I’d rather carve out my own heart than allow myself to give up on her. I’m drowning without her. Absolutely drowning, and she isn’t here to save me. With a deep sigh I decide to get out of bed since there is no point trying to sleep when my mind is like this.

I stand up and stretch my aching muscles as it had been a long and physically demanding day at work, before I drop to my knees beside the bed and reach under it to pull out the box that I keep hidden there. It mostly just contains all the letters that I’ve written her over the last four months that all ended up being returned to me. I know she is still here in New York somewhere but her friends won’t tell me how to find her. I only wish she’d have kept these letters, the written words that were partially angry, partially sad, and mostly just pleading for her to come home. I want her to know that I’ve learned from my mistakes and how deeply I miss her.

Taking the box with me I find myself in the kitchen where I locate a random bottle of liquor. At this point I don’t care what it is so long as I can feel the burn as it makes its way down my esophagus and into my stomach.

If you only knew how many times I counted all the words that went wrong. If you only knew how I refuse to let you go, even when you’re gone. I don’t regret any days I spent, nights we shared or letters that I sent.

After a while I realize that I’ve probably consumed way too much of whatever the clear liquid was, because the tears start forming at the corners of my eyes. Lifting the bottle of the counter I take a long pull directly from the bottle because I couldn’t be fucked with finding a glass. Taking the lid off the box that contained all the letters I’d written her that had all come back to me. Return to sender in big bold letters, stamped on the front of it.

I don’t think she knows how often I replay the events of that night in my head. It’s like a bad song stuck on repeat-I’ll never forget it.

I can’t bring myself to let go of her and the memories of our years together. Why would I? But then again, why can’t I let go? Who wants to live in a cycle of never ending pain?

I pull the first letter out of the box. Even if the date wasn’t stamped on the front of it, I’d still know the exact order of each letter I sent. Resisting the urge to tear it open and read it because I don’t want to relive those words. I know what each letter says. Every word. The first letter contains exactly five hundred words. The second letter has exactly six hundred and eighty-seven, the third letter has four hundred and eleven, and the fourth letter contains nine hundred and forty-five words, but the fifth and final letter only one has nine. I only know this because I counted every word I wrote. I’m not sure why I felt compelled to do it, but how does one say they are sorry? How many words does it take? In my case, two thousand five hundred and fifty-two words.

Two thousand five hundred and fifty-two words she’ll never read, she’ll never know about, and words that I so badly want her to hear.

Finding myself desperately trying to hold back the tears that I know are coming and I pick up my now almost empty bottle of liquor swallowing down the last bit of it. Releasing another sigh into the quietness of the apartment before I toss the shiny glass bottle into the sink. It lands with a loud clinking noise but thankfully doesn’t shatter. I doubt I would have cared if it did, it would have looked just how I imagine my heart does.

If you only knew I still hold onto the letters you returned. You help me live and learn.

It’s 4:03 and I can’t sleep without you next to me. I toss and turn like the sea. If i drown tonight, bring me back to life, breathe your breath in me. The only thing that I still believe in is you. I still believe in you. Oh, if you only knew.

Glancing at the clock on the stove, I realize that it’s just after four am and I really should try and get to sleep but I’m drowning - in pain,anger, love; I don’t even know anymore. It kills me that she’ll never know how I feel but drunken anger begins bubbling to the surface and I pick up the first letter that I ever sent her. This one was part love letter, part apology, and part angry ranting. Moving slowly to the kitchen sink and picking up my lighter that was sitting next to my cigarettes on the counter I bitterly smile as the crinkled edge of the paper catches the flame.

I stand there mesmerized as I watch the flames dance up one side of the paper before it quickly spread to the rest of the envelope. My words now nothing but ash, falling away into the sink as if they never existed. Continuing to watch bitterly I suddenly find myself filled with panic and I drop the flaming mess into the wet sink. No! I can’t give up on her just yet. Not yet.

Suddenly my phone pings with a notification and the screen lights up and I feel like I did four months ago; hopeful. There was no fighting the urge to check my phone and I was unable to resist picking it up. Looking down at the screen my breath catches in my throat and I have to fight back a sob. It was her!

The text that I’d been waiting for, for too long was now staring at me.

“I’m sorry. I miss you.”

Five words. That’s all it took to completely wreck my already fragile and unstable emotional state. The alcohol takes over my body and with trembling hands I quickly type out a reply.

“Me too. I love you YN. Can we talk?”

Nine words. Simple right? Effective? Can those nine words really convey everything that I’m feeling?

I don’t wait for her to respond because I find myself listening to a dial tone, holding my phone to my ear with shaking hands and my head still reeling. I’m not even sure I’m fully comprehending exactly what is happening at this moment.

“Hello,” I hear her say. Her voice sounds quiet but there is a slight hopefulness to it.

“Hey,” I manage to say. I bury my face in my hands and try to stifle a groan. Real fucking smooth Rami, real smooth.

“Soooo, how are you?” She asks this time, and now she sounds nervous. It was hard to hear what she was saying because there was some kind of commotion in the background.

I wanted to tell her, but I found myself unable to find the words, mumbling, “Not that great, Y/N.”

“Why?”she asks, sounding distracted and distant, and I couldn’t help but to scoff.

“Are you fucking serious?” I ask.

“Yeah. But I-” she stops herself. The speaker of my phone makes a loud and strange crackling noise followed by what sounds like a car door slamming shut. Hushed voices are muttering something unintelligible in the background as I stand in the middle of my kitchen feeling crazy. What is she doing? Who is she talking to?

Did she completely forget she was on the phone with me?

“YN-I- “ I try to speak, but again am unable to form anything comprehensible at the point.

“Rami, I’m sorry. I- look. How was your day?” she inquires, though her voice sounds strained.

“It was the same shit, different day like always. Today was a tough one physically, mentally and emotionally,” I mutter. I’m not sure she’s even listening and this conversation feels so weird to me. I thought that when we finally spoke again, it would be easy like it had almost always been.

“I’m sorry your day was so rough, mine wasn’t all that great either. They usually never are,” she says with a tone that is tinged with a sort of resigned sadness.

“If there is one thing I understand YN, it’s how it feels to have some not great days. Do you want to talk about it?” I bravely offer, even though I’m not so sure I really want to hear it at this point.

“Not really Rami, not really,” she says again.

“It’s alright. You know you can talk to me about whatever is bothering you.

She softly giggles for a few seconds before she speaks up and this time her voice belies the fact that she’d just been giggling, “I know Rami.”

Her small little chuckle is music to my ears and I could swear I just died and went to heaven.

“Rami, why have you not been great?” she asks again, this time her tone is one of curiosity and all I can think to myself is “Is she really fucking serious right now?”

“YN. I-I-I just.” I try to say but trip and stumble over my own words. I’m floundering and I’ve barely been able to speak to her. Do I tell her the truth?

I take a deep breath before allowing myself to start saying what I’ve wanted to say since she asked me this question only a few moments ago.

“I’ve been fucking drowning, forcing myself to live in a fucking memory because I can’t escape you and–” I couldn’t help but to look down at the floor and I could feel my cheeks heating with embarrassment.

“And?” her tense voice cuts in.

“And I don’t want to. All I ever wanted was you. I can’t sleep for shit and I can barely focus, even at work. Baby, I’m barely living. Nothing-nothing that happened that night made any fucking sense and I haven’t been able to bring myself to move anything or change anything here since you walked away.”

My eyes scan the dark living room and take in the blanket still draped over the back of the couch as she’d left it. A pile of outdated women’s fashion magazines on the side table, along with her well worn copy of Pride & Prejudice with her favorite tattered green book mark wedged between the well worn pages.

I can hear her sharp intake of breath and I know I’ve hit a sore spot.I try to keep myself from crying because I know those words have stunned her into silence. Hating the fact that I’m drunk right now, and hell she might be too, but hating even more that I am no longer in control and cannot stop the word vomit caused by all of these overwhelming feelings.

All I hear is white noise. The kind of buzz that comes from being in a car while it’s driving, or walking on the street while the traffic rushes by. This is New York City where the noise is never ending especially on a Friday or Saturday night.

“Are you still there?” I ask, afraid I’ve said too much but angry she isn’t saying more at this moment. I know I’m the one that called her, but she texted me first, so that has to mean something right?

“I’m here,” she says, a little out of breath. “Rami, I-” she starts but gives up, and all I can hear is a sad sigh on the other end, and for some reason it causes the burning anger to resurface. I know I should quit while I’m ahead, but I can’t do that, I’ve never been able to do that with her.

“If you’ve got nothing to say baby, that’s alright. I’ve got a lot to say,” I deadpan. I can only hear her breathing now and it nearly sounds as if she’s crying. My heart breaks a little more but I continue.

"My world crashed and burned when you left and I’m so angry. YN, so angry with you! ”

“I-I-understand. I guess it’s what I deserve. I up and left you. I just- fuck,” she stammers, and she sounds hesitant. Like she wants to say something more but she doesn’t know what.

“I am mad and hurt Y/N, but all I want is you. And I don’t care if that’s selfish-all I want is you here with me. Just for one Goddamn night so that I can find some peace again,” I say as I rub my face with my free hand. My hands feel fidgety and I hate the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach when the anxiety begins to claim its hold on me.

In my irritation, I swipe at the box on the counter that contains the letters and watch as the papers flutters to the floor and the box lands with a soft thud on the hardwood. The act was childish and didn’t serve any real purpose in the relief of my emotional crisis, but I took a small delight in it. My next move is as definitely more adult as I reach across the counter for my cigarettes, plucking one from the carton and lighting it up.

Still nothing but silence on her end and now I’m worried I’ve really gone and fucked this up. I take a deep pull from the cigarette before exhaling the grey smoke into the darkness of the kitchen. If she isn’t going to speak, I’ve got more to say.

“YN, baby, I just want to hear your laughter again, see your smile. You-you haunt me. My dreams are filled with you and us, our memories. Sometimes my dreams of you are just fantasies or a hope for-” I cut myself off again.

I feel so foolish right now as I’m spilling my guts, leaving myself open and bare for her to do with as she pleases and she hasn’t given me much. I’m stupidly clinging to a hope that was so easily triggered by five little words and a phone call that I initiated.

“Rami I-. I’m sad too but I love you,” she says so quietly I can barely hear her. I don’t even know that I was supposed to.

There is so much more that I want to say but suddenly I find that I can’t. My chest aches at her quiet confession and my head swirls with thoughts of what ifs, maybes, and whys.

The quiet between us is tense, and if not for all the background noise blaring through the tiny phone speaker, I would have thought that she had hung up on me.

Exhaling more smoke into the air,I lean towards the sink as I rid my cigarette of the excess ash. I want to say something to her but I hesitate with my hand halfway to my mouth. I stare at my hand for a moment before I put the cigarette to my lips and I take another deep pull then exhale; repeat.

I can hear her take a breath and it sounds as if she is trying to breathe through sobs as she begins to speak.

“Rami I’m so sorry. Baby I’m so fucking sorry. I-I-I love. I’m so fucking sorry.”

Leaning against the counter in the kitchen, glowing cigarette in my hand, I glance up at the clock on the stove again, the glowing numbers read 4:25 am. She probably just accidentally drunk texted me after being out with friends tonight and the last thing she was expecting was to have this conversation.

Finishing my cigarette I toss it in the sink and turn on the water for a few seconds before I let out another sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose in frustration. Why is she unable to say anything? I feel like I’ve bared my soul and she has still given me very little in return though she has uttered the word love.

Honestly, opening my mouth is the last thing I should have done at this moment but apparently I have no impulse control tonight. I start to feel an overwhelming sadness due to feeling as if this conversation was futile and I’ve got my brain telling me I’ve likely ruined any chance of a reconciliation.

My voice almost breaks as I find the words I was searching for. I’m near tearfully scolding her now but I’m also ripping myself to pieces. I’m not an innocent party in all of this; I’m just trying to place blame because I’ve had a difficult time accepting my new reality.

Loneliness.

“You should be, but I-I’m to blame for this mess as well baby. I wasn’t listening to you and all you were trying to do was communicate how you were feeling. God baby, how could we have fucked this up so badly? How? Fucking five years together and it all came tumbling down over one stupid fucking moment. All because-”

My speech is interrupted by a loud knocking on the door. My head snaps up and my mouth snaps shut as I glare at my door, the rhythmic sound unrelenting and only furthering my agitation.

“Who the fuck would-” I complain as I make my way to the front door. Turning the lock and swinging the door open, I’m ready to give whoever it is a piece of my mind, but instead, my jaw goes slack and my phone clatters to the floor.

There she is in all her glory, at nearly 4:30 am, wearing one of my old hoodies; the one she’d been wearing the night she left me.

Tag List: @txmel @free-rami @warmommy @mrhoemazzello @itsme690 @ramimedley @safinsscar @ladyr0b0t @youthtea @ramisgirl512 @hissom1933 @spacedustmazzello @sassystrawberryk @ramimalekpan @doing-all-write @itslula1991 @imnottiredofgettingoveryou @alottanothing @mezzomercury @theultraviolencefan @the-real-ramimalekpeen @hazeleyedbeth @w0lfglrl17 @adoremalek @rawmemalek @lunasasylum @lablanchett @diasimar @zodiyack @sasha–1996 @rami-malek-trash @seven-seas-of-ham-on-rhye

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horansqueen · 5 years

Text

AM Conversations : chapter 40

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34 || CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37 || CHAPTER 38 || CHAPTER 39

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.1k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- if you want to be notified when this is updated, please message me or leave a comment!

- you can send me questions and theories and comments. tbh they all make me SO SO SO SOOOO HAPPY! and make me want to write more! you can also tell me if there are things you WANT to happen. you never know, i may add it :P

- note for this chapter: sorry? it had to happen. its not that bad yea?

btw, i forgot to add a request that i filled last chapter so i just added the screenshot to the last chapter. so to whoever requested them to look at old pictures together, obviously it was in chapter 39 and it was for you :)

oh and no request for this chapter, probably next one! :(

Chapter 40 : His chapter

NIALL

I was surprised to see her already awake when my alarm rang in the morning but I understood exactly why when I finally sat in bed after everything was ready. She was shaking one of her legs, looking nervously around the room and although I felt a bit bad for her, the whole scene was a bit funny too.

"Darling, come here."

Her eyes finally met mine and I sent her a smile, raising my eyebrows to incite her to get closer. She finally took the few steps that separated us and I pulled her between my legs, slipping my hands in the back pockets of her jeans as she looked down at me. She stared in my eyes and sighed and my gaze dropped to her lips when she licked them.

"A penny for your thoughts?" I asked in a low tone, tilting my chin up to look at her better.

"You've got all the money in the world, you could at least offer me a bit more I mean, a penny?"

Her lips curled and it made me laugh as I pulled her closer. Her hands slipped in my hair and I let out a low sigh.

"I know it's not easy, and i'm gonna miss you every second of every minute of every hour of every day." I let out, making her roll her eyes with a small smile. "But hey, we'll facetime every night and i'll text you and send you pictures... okay?"

Slowly, she nodded and tilted her head as her hair fell around our faces, hiding us from the world. I was torn between being excited and happy for the trip or sad and nervous about leaving her behind and somehow, all these emotions made a weird mix, forming a lump in my throat.

"Do you promise..." she started so low I barely heard, letting her fingers brush down my cheek, jaw and neck before grabbing the collar of my shirt. "...to be faithful to me?"

I hadn't expected the question and I moved my upper body back a bit to see her better as my eyebrows raised. I could hear my heartbeats accelerate but I wasn't sure why. Was I hurt by her question, or did it make me mad that she could think that of me?

"I.. hate this question, but i'm gonna answer anyway." Her eyes finally met mine and I could read in them that she felt bad for asking, but that it was stronger than her. I felt my body relax a bit and sighed. "I promise. You're the only one for me, and i'm not going to cheat on you. Physically or emotionally."

Her lips curled more and it made me smile too. I tried to tell myself that she was insecure and that it's why she needed to hear these things a lot, but I couldn't help the feeling of annoyance creeping inside my stomach. i tried to ignore it, if only because I wanted our last moments together to be happy, and shrugged my shoulders slightly.

"Are you coming with me to the airport?"

Her eyes dropped to her hands now both playing with the collar of my shirt and she started nibbling her bottom lip. She looked vulnerable, sad, and slightly embarrassed but the first thing I ended up thinking as i looked at her was how much I loved her.

"I'd rather not." she finally admitted, shrugging a shoulder. "I know i'd be emotional and I don,t want to cry in front of everyone and your fans and paps if they end up being there. And I don't want to drive back home by myself, I know i'll be crying the whole time."

I waited for her eyes to finally meet mine but it didn't happen.

"Hey." I let out gently. "I understand."

Her gaze finally moved up to meet mine and she mouthed a 'thank you'. I had the feeling she was on the verge of tears and I finally got up, keeping my arms around her and bending down to kiss her lips.

"How long do we have left?" she asked in a whisper, her lips brushing against mine.

"Like, 15 minutes." I let out low too, walking slowly her way and forcing her to take a few steps back until her back leaned on the wall. "They're about to pick me up."

"And you've got everything ready?" she asked, tilting her chin up to send me a cheeky smile.

I smirked back and chuckled, bringing both of my hands to the button of her jeans while still staring in her eyes.

"Almost." I joked, bringing my lips back on hers to kiss her deeply as I moved her pants down.

She whimpered low against my lips and squirmed a bit, finally taking her jeans and panties off and pushing them away with one of her feet. I laughed against her mouth as she pulled on my shorts too, leaving them right under my ass and when she took my cock out, I groaned low, my lips leaving hers. I leaned my forehead against hers and stared at her as I grabbed one of her thighs to place it around my waist.

"13 minutes." she joked, making me smile again. "Please do it."

I felt the tip of my dick press against her pussy and I watched her lick her fingers and bring her hand between us. Quickly, she rubbed herself and grabbed my dick, jerking me off slowly with her wet hand and I felt my eyes flutter a bit at her touch. It made me realize I was going to miss this more than I thought I would. The sex was good with her and I always wanted more. Being without her for six weeks wasn't going to be easy. She placed two of her fingers on each side of my cock as I pushed it slowly inside her and it felt so good to be inside her again that I let out a moan, pushing her hard against the wall.

"You feel amazing."

My lips found hers and I kissed her gently, feeling her fingers slip softly in my hair. I groaned low in her mouth and when she mentioned '11 minutes' I chuckled through the kiss. I moved my cock out of her very slowly and pushed it back, feeling her body tense a bit but it only took me a few seconds to speed my thrusts, pressing her more against the wall every time. I leaned my forehead against hers again and watched hr lips part as she started panting lowl.

"I love you so fucking much."

I saw her eyes flutter open at my words and her grip tightened in my hair.

"You mean so much to me." I added just as low. "I love you so much, Olivia."

Her lips found mine again and the kiss was so rough that my thrusts became unsteady. She kept her hands in my hair when our lips parted and I felt myself getting closer and closer to my orgasm.

"I love you too Niall." she whimpered very low. "More than anything and anyone."

I felt myself get dizzy and she started moaning and shaking against me. I fucked her harder to reach my own orgasm and when I did, I felt the fingers of one of my hands curl against the wall behind her while the others sunk in the skin of her thigh that was still around my waist.

"Fuck."

I spilled inside her, shutting my eyes tight as her hands slid on my neck and chest, I waited until my heartbeats came back to a normal speed and opened my eyes only to see her smile at me.

"I'm gonna think about this every single night."

My eyes roamed on her face and I smiled fondly at her.

"Me too."

I don't know how long we stared at each other but from seeing her face, I knew that telling her how much I loved her while we were having sex was a good idea. It was not even planned, I just felt it and decided to say it and I never thought the result would be so good. I heard my phone and sighed without moving. It's only when I heard it a second time that I moved away from her. I stared at her half-naked body as I moved my shorts back up and passed my hand in my hair. She quickly put her panties back on and I finally took my shirt off, handing it to her. Her lips curled and she grabbed it, tilting her head as she stared at me.

"I know that's your kind of cheesy." I explained, chuckling a bit. "I hope it doesn't smell too bad."

She brought it to her face and smiled, shaking her head.

"I sort of kept your hoodie from last night, too." she admitted, biting her bottom lip and making me laugh this time.

"It's all yours."

I grabbed my phone and read my text messages before looking up at her. She hadn't moved, she was still leaning against the wall, her head tilted lightly, looking at me, and I smiled more, moving my phone to snap a picture of her. Her eyes got bigger and her lips parted as I put my phone back in my pocket.

"Oh god you didn't take a picture of me did you?"

I laughed again and grabbed my backpack but when I turned around, she was trying to take my phone, probably to delete it.

"Love, stop!" I said with an other chuckle, grabbing her hand gently. "I promise I won't show it to anyone! It's only for me.. for all those nights without you."

Her traits softened and although I knew she didn't like it at all, she nodded slowly. I cupped her face with both my hands and kissed her deeply, ignoring the sound of my phone again.

"Six weeks is barely anything." I whispered against her mouth.

"An eternity without you." she murmured. "I'll miss you."

"Not as much as I'll miss you."

----

The ride to the airport and the process of getting aboard was long and painful and it's only when the plane took off that I finally seemed to relax. I leaned my head on the bench, feeling suddenly exhausted and closed my eyes for a while. I tried not to think about her and to focus on every place I wanted to see but it was not easy and I grabbed my phone to look at the last picture of her I had taken. Once again, she looked slightly vulnerable and it made me realize that she always turned me on when she looked like that. I ran my thumb on her over the screen of my phone and sighed, closing my eyes again for a few seconds. Did I make the right choice? Maybe I should have postponed that trip after all, right?

I jumped slightly when I received a message and opened the application on my phone only to see a selfie of my girlfriend making a grimace with the caption: 'Don't worry, i'm fine without you!' and it made me laugh. I saw she was typing and waiting until more words appeared, staring at my phone.

'Don't worry. Just have fun. I'll be there when you call. I'll be there when you come back. I love you.'

I smiled more and chuckled again, quickly typing an answer.

'You're perfect, I love you too.'

I quickly took a selfie of me blowing her a kiss and sent it to her. She answered me with a few emojis and I did the same before to switch to Louis' number. At first, I wanted to ask Harry but I realized that maybe I was a bit jealous of the relationship she had with him... or maybe I was scared that if they spent more time together, she'd forget about me and fall back for him. It was ridiculous and deep down, I knew it, but I didn't want to take the chance.

'Hey Tommo, would you and El mind checking on Liv while i'm gone?'

I was surprised to get his answer only a few seconds later and frowned a bit.

'I don't know about El but i'll entertain her, don't worry mate.'

'Is everything okay?'

'Don't worry about it, just enjoy your trip!'

I shrugged and sighed, closing the application and going back to my gallery. I started checking all the pictures of her and us on my phone and my heart twisted in my chest until I just turned my phone off and put it back in my pockets. My fingers brushed against the fabric of her panties that was hidden in the pocket of my shorts and this time, my heart literally skipped a beat. I wanted to put them in my bag but I forgot and it made me wonder if she knew I had kept them after making her cum with the vibrator I had bought for her. I knew I should have asked her before taking them but it was stronger than me and finally, I pushed them deeper in my pocket to make sure I wouldn't lose them.

I tried to sleep for a while but every single time I was about to fall asleep, an idea would pop in my head and i'd quickly grab my phone again to write a few lyrics or hum a few notes that I'd record. I always seemed to feel inspired by something and even if I had promised myself that I'd do nothing but enjoy this trip, I knew I had to write down all my ideas or i'd end up regretting it.

I was trying to get distracted from her and from the hole in my chest that her absence had seemed to dig but it was not easy. I said six weeks were going to go by very fast, she said it was going to feel like an eternity... and if I wanted to be honest, I was started to believe she may be right.

----

"Niall! Let's go!"

I tried to read the text message I had received as we walked through the crowded but small town. It was pouring, I was only wearing shorts and shoes, but I was still heavily sweating. I hadn't seem Olivia face to face in three weeks and although it was tough to be without her, I was starting to feel at ease with my decision. This trip was even more incredible than I thought even if I had to stay in crappy motels and eat cheap food. It was an experience I really had to live at least once in my life.

'I miss you too' I quickly typed with at least one mistake before hitting 'send'.

We walked in a motel and I let my backpack fall on the floor, shaking my head slightly as some water fell into my eyes and finally put my cap back on.

"Okay, let's go get a few drinks."

"Amazing idea." I replied, searching through my stuff to find a shirt. just as my phone went off again. "Fuck, I forgot, I have a facetime date tonight."

One of my cousins chuckled but I ignored it and just grabbed my phone, typing an other message quickly to my girlfriend.

'We're going out. Rain check?'

I didn't wait for an answer but still decided to bring my phone with me. We ended up drinking a few beers and meeting new people. It was fun, I was getting tipsy, and I started a conversation with the pretty girl sitting next to me. It took me about an hour to realize she was flirting with me but when she laughed, putting her hand on my thigh, I tensed. She moved her thick dark hair behind her ear and tilted her head with a smile, making me smile back. I liked her accent and her eyes and I was about to tell her about it when my phone rang. I saw Liv's face on the screen and immediately sobered up. I had changed her picture for the one she had sent me when I was on the plane and the way she grimaced on it made my heart skip a beat.

"I'm sorry." I told the pretty girl whom's name I couldn't seem to remember. "I have to answer."

I got up and walked out of the bar, letting out a 'hello?' in my phone. I brought my shoulders up when I realized it was still raining as water slipped inside my shirt, freezing me immediately despite the warm weather and the amount of alcohol in my blood.

"Oh shit, Niall?"

Her voice calmed me immediately and I smiled. I wanted to be mad that I was taken, I wanted to be annoyed with the fact that I was living the trip of a lifetime and that I couldn't sleep with a girl I just met in a bar, but as soon as her voice reached my ears, it seemed to reach my heart too. It was cheesy but I like it and I tried to take a mental note of these words to use them later.

"Olivia, are you okay?"

"I'm so sorry, I wanted to text you but my fingers slipped." she explained. "I'm having a hard time with this new phone."

I frowned, trying to stay under the small roof of the bar as people walked in and out. My shirt was already soaked and my hair was no better but I just wanted to listen to her some more.

"I didn't want to bother you, I know you're having fun, we can talk tomorrow." she quickly said. "I love you, Nee, goodnight."

"No wait!"

I had talked a bit louder than I intended and I felt something stir in my stomach. I didn't know if it was just because I missed her, or because I felt guilty for the thoughts that ran in my head only a few minutes ago when i was with an other girl, but I suddenly wanted to take a plane back home to be with her.

"I shouldn't have canceled our date, i'm going back to the motel now, I'll call you as soon as I get there."

Without thinking, I walked out in the rain quickly, my phone still pressed on my ear. The weather wasn't as bad as a few hours before but my shoes were still drenched and it made a weird sound as I walked.

"No, Niall it's okay!" she argued with a small chuckle. "I'm fine, really, you can't spend all the time talking to me, you have to visit and have fun. I'm fine here without you, remember? Or do I have to send you an other picture?"

She started laughing and my heart jumped on my chest.

"Send me as many pictures as you want. I miss your face."

This time, she kept quiet for a few seconds and when she talked again, I could hear worry in her tone.

"Are you sure, Niall? Are you sure you want us to talk tonight?"

I stopped waking, just feeling the rain fall in my eyes, trying to stop my heart from beating so fast.

"Yes."

----

It took me about half an hour to get back to the hotel and as soon as I arrived, I texted my cousin to tell them I was gone and that i'd see them in the morning. I took a quick shower, not really enjoying the bathroom but it was better than being dirty, and finally sat in bed with my phone in hands. It took her a few seconds to answer and I realized she was on her laptop. She sent me a smile as soon as she saw me and licked her lips, bringing her shoulders closer to her face.

"Hey..."

"Hey petal, how are you?"

Her eyebrows raised and her lips curled slightly more. Fuck, I wanted to kiss her.

"I'm the one who should ask you that." she pointed out. "Are you okay, Nee?"

My eyes roamed on her face and I noticed she was wearing my hoodie. The sleeves were pulled over her hands and I desperately wanted to cuddle her.

"Yea, was just missing you."

She was about to answer something when I saw someone in the corner of the screen, making me frown. I sat up better in bed and tried to see who it was, and it suddenly hit me: she was not at my house, and also not at her apartment.

"Where are you?"

As if on cue, Louis appeared and sat next to her, handing her a cup of tea. She took a quick sip and thanked him, sending him a smile. I watched them interact and my heart seemed to sink in my chest.

"I'm at Louis'." she finally let out as if it wasn't obvious already.

"Is that why you didn't want to talk?"

"I wanted to talk, Niall." she frowned slightly. "I just didn't want to bother you. We don't talk as much these days and it's okay, I know you're busy and you're having the time of your life, and I don't want you to think i'm smothering you or stopping you from living this plenty."

My anger and jealousy faltered and my traits softened as I nodded.

"Can you go back home? I'd like to talk with just you."

I knew I had no right to ask her that and I was also aware that I was the one who had asked Louis to check on her but it seemed like I was just realizing that the world was still turning there, in London, without me.

Olivia glanced at Louis who sent her a smile and started nibbling her bottom lip.

"We sort-of had something planned..."

"No it's okay Livi, I totally get it."

She finally looked back at me after a few seconds and quickly nodded, her lips curling into a big smile this time, making me believe she wanted to talk to me as much as I wanted to talk to her.

"Okay, let me call you back when i'm home."

She blew me a kiss and without giving me time to answer, she hung up. I stayed in bed, motionless, realizing that I was alone in the dark in an other country and somehow, I felt extremely pathetic at that moment. I thought about the girl I was flirting with, I thought about the fact that I wanted to kiss her and maybe more, and even if that thought had crossed my mind only for half a second, I felt like shit. It was not Olivia's fault that I was here, or that I hadn't had sex in three weeks. It was my decision and she didn't have to pay for that. I had never felt that guilty before when in a relationship and it's not like it was not normal to lust other people but for some reason, I was scared that if I could have these thoughts, perhaps she could too. She was not spending her time all alone locked in my room, waiting for me to come back, and for some weird reason, it was just hitting me now.

I don't know how long I waited but I decided to call back again, even if it meant that I would look desperate. In fact, I sort of was.

"Babe, i'm in the car." she pointed out. "I'm almost there."

She had put her phone near the dash and I could see her hands moving on the wheel. She was not looking at me but I was staring at her and even from that weird angle, she looked pretty.

"Do you know what I want to do to you?"

Her face changed and she glanced at me but I could swear I saw her cheeks turn a soft shade of red, making me smirk.

"I really want to fuck you, pet." I added low. "I want to make love to you. I want to feel your warm body beneath mine. I miss you so bad."

She chuckled. "Me or fucking me?"

"Can't it be both?" I asked, raising my eyebrows, a smirk still gracing my face.

"It can."

I watched her and kept silent as she parked the car and turned to look at me in the screen of her phone, her head slightly tilted and her hair falling on her right shoulder, exactly like the picture I had taken of her before I left.

"I miss you too, Niall." she whispered, making my heart twist. "I wish you were here."

#niall horan #niall horan fluff #niall horan smut #niall horan story #niall horan writing #niall horan fanfic #niall horan fan fic #niall horan fanfiction #niall horan fan fiction #my fanfics #amc #tell me what you thiiiiiink please

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vanchlo · 5 years

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The Assistant / Chapter Twenty-Three, “Bleeding Heart”

hello hello. i’m so sorry that i’m an awful person and i haven’t written in a bahillion years. life has been wack and i fell out of writing for awhile. instead of doing homework like a good human being - yay! - i found this chapter i had started and i finished it. it’s not as long as usual, i know, but i did that on purpose and you’ll see why ;) ;) ;) ;) i hope i can write some more soon and stick with this. i’m unreliable i know and i’m terribly sorry. college and work are crazy and my mom was just diagnosed with 2 kinds of cancers soooo oooo life truly is crazy and overwhelming rn. i hope to maybe set aside some time each night to write, but it’s hard to stop when it’s getting fun haha. i enjoyed writing this chapter and delving more into this story, like idek where it’s gonna go haha.

anyways lemme know what you think of this chapter. i wanna hear your predictions and thoughts!!!!!!!!! reblog, like, share with friends, say hi to me :)

one last thing. we should decide a ship name for harry and becks, i mean it’s been coming. here are my ideas and feel free to send me others :D

a) hecks (my personal fav)

b) barry (i just think of rachel’s barry from FRIENDS but it’s ok)

c) hebecca????

d) ??????

e) hecky?

“No. No. No. No. No. NO. NO. NO.

I try to breathe in, but I can’t.

And suddenly the switch inside of me changes. Instead of pushing him away for the last few weeks, I want him. I want him to come and save me.

The laugh that falls from my lips surprises the both of us. “You can’t hurt me anymore.”

The swarm of voices that crowded my ears from before is now gone. A soft chatter of voices occupies the conference room now, around an hour after the festivities had begun. Now the fun is over and the last few of us clean up the forgotten plates, take down the streamers donning the walls, push in the chairs, vacuum up the crumbs, and everything else required to return the room to its former glory.

“Hey, you stop that,” somebody says from behind me. “This was yer party, yer not s’posed to be cleaning it up,” they finish as I turn around to find Harry pushing a lock of hair out of his eyes as he grasps a wet rag in the other hand.

“No, I want to help. Please,” I reply, turning back to the table and picking up the spray bottle. I spritz the plastic top and run the wet rag over the spot, repeating in sections until I finish the table.

“Fine, I guess you can help,” Harry huffs and I smile to myself in triumph as I return to my cleaning. “So, what did ya think?”

“It was a lot of fun and very nice of all of you, thank you so much again,” I tell him trying to circumvent having a conversation. I move to the other end of the table as he begins on the next one over.

A few male coworkers fold up the table to my left and carry it out the door, probably to place back in storage. My eyes life to find Harry leaning over the table he scrubs and he must notice my pause because he meets my eyes. But I can’t look at him, not today.

“I’m glad ya had such a good time, ‘m sure everybody else did too . . Everybody’s going t’ miss ya, ya know,” he comments, and I nod with a small smile. I don’t know how much more of this awkward small talk I can put up with, especially as the domino that caused all of this is gnawing at my insides. Particularly the part where he could have stopped it coming to this.

But he didn’t.

The rest of the clean up consists of few words between Harry and I, or anybody else for that matter. We cleaned tables, folded them and carried them away, stacked chairs, vacuumed, packed things away, and carried more things away. The room was now bleak with its new emptiness and quiet, all of the people previously filling it returning to their lives. Luckily I found my escape shortly after the room was all squared away.

“All done?” a voice asks me. I look over my shoulder and find Asher tying up a bloated garbage bag. My stomach drops all of a sudden with disappointment at who it is, and who it’s not.

“Yep.” I nod. Then I feel bad for being disappointed. Oh it’s just a never-ending rollercoaster, isn’t it?

“I can’t believe you helped clean up. The whole point was having other people do stuff for you, and then you helped them?!” Asher laughs with a disbelieving shake of his head. He happens to pull a giggle from my unsure lips. I sheepishly nod at his words, and I give him another laugh when he almost trips over the garbage bag.

“Are you on your way out now?”

“Yeah, I think so. I just have to drop off some last-minute things - keys and keycards, that sorta thing. But now I can’t find the person to give them to . . ,” I confess, losing my words as I scan the room for those green eyes and that mustard top.

“Hmmmph, well it’s getting late. Maybe he left or had something. You could leave them with Myles or Jennings, I’m sure if you wanna get outta here. I know you’re just dying to get those drinks with me tomorrow,” Asher quips, turning my lips up with his words.

I leave him with a few words, telling him I’ll see him later. I say goodbyes to a few people as I leave the conference room and begin my hunt to find Harry. One I’m not sure how I want to end.

I find my desk empty and many others as well. Glancing at my watch, I find that the hours have flown by. Many people jetted out of here as it’s five o'clock on a Friday afternoon. The cushion welcomes me as I sit down in my chair for the last time, but I don’t miss its welcoming squeak. The squeaking continues as I spin my last spin in the chair, feeling hot tears at the back of my eyes at the finality of my actions. My mug of pencils- no, it’s not my mug anymore. It never was mine.

A polar bear post-it note holder invades my -not my desk - along with framed pictures of strangers, a bright pink day planner, candy apple lotion, and other foreign objects belonging to the new owner of this desk. Who isn’t me. A long sigh leaves my lips as I release my hands I didn’t know I was clenching.

“It’s now or never,” I say aloud, willing myself to stand.

Okay, Becky, we can do this. This isn’t even the hard part.

But it is, I think to myself as my eyes glance up and memories that took place at this desk spin through my head. Making Harry laugh for the first time. Silly arguments with him about which was the better movie. How easily he made me smile by bringing me coffee out of nowhere and- Stop, Becky, you can’t do this now, I tell myself as I swipe a hot tear away from under my eye. I exhale as I get to my feet and feel for the ring of keys in my pocket. Good, they’re still there.

The hallway is dim, but the light from the London evening comes in through the many windows around the office. His hallway. A hallway I will never walk again. Fuck, am I really sure I want to do this? How can I not see him again? You can and you will. You have to, Becky. It was too hard sitting there day after day wanting him. And him not wanting you back. I nod to myself, trying to affirm those words to myself. They don’t do that good of a job, because of the person I see around the corner.

“Oh hey, bug. A-are ya leavin’?” Harry stutters, his furrowed emerald eyes falling on me. He comes to a stop in front of me, running a hand through his mop of curls.

“U-uh yeah. I was just going to drop off the keys with you and go over a few things.”

“Yeah yeah, sounds good. I jus’ really gotta take a leak, so ‘ll be back in a minute, ‘kay?” He asks with a pat on my arm. I nod with a soft ‘okay,’ as I turn to watch him walk away. Nodding with a thumbs up, he gives me a small sad smile before turning around and walking down the hallway. I watch until he’s gone.

Almost done. But now for the hard part. Leaving him for the last time, I contemplate with a pout. I shuffle my feet to his door and twist the knob. Immediately, his familiar woodsy scent hits me. Suddenly, all of my senses are inundated with him. His messy desk. His blazer draped over his chair. Bookmarked biographies dotting his desk. Empty mugs of tea taking up empty spots. The essential oil diffuser in the corner humming as it mists Sandalwood. Bach’s Cello Suite No. 1 trickling from a Bluetooth speaker in the corner. Harry. It’s all him. And my reserves begin to fall. Can I really do this? No, there’s no way I can. Even if I have to sit at that desk day after day trying to love him, it’s better than leaving him.

Yeah, and then what about when he marries Amber or somebody else that’s not you?

I gulp, trying to get rid of the lump in my throat and at the same time pressing my fingers against my eyes, willing them to dry.

“Wow, are we getting a little teary-eyed on our last day?” a voice snarks from behind me.

No. No. No. No. No. NO. NO. NO.

I try to breathe in, but I can’t.

And suddenly the switch inside of me changes. Instead of pushing him away for the last few weeks, I want him. I want him to come and save me. To save me from her. And to see her for the monster that she is.

The laugh that falls from my lips surprises the both of us. “You can’t hurt me anymore, Amber,” I snap, turning around to face her with a wry smile coating my lips.

“Oh I don’t know about that, I still can. But hey, I won, and don’t you forget that,” she retorts. Amber’s blonde curls shake as she stomps her foot and points a tanned manicured finger at me. How can he even comfortably hold hands with those daggers?

Her blow hits me, and she knows it. I can’t hide it, because I’ve lost it. The last few weeks or even months have taken everything from me. My grandpa dying, my mom’s abusive treatment towards me, Harry’s bipolarness, and Amber’s physical and mental attacks. I lost.

“I don’t care,” I croak, throwing up my hands in defeat. The keys on the ring twinkle with movement in my hand.

“But you do! I know you do!” she cackles, excitement twisting her plastic face into a Cheshire grin. “You wanted him, but you couldn’t have him and so you gave up! I won!” Amber continues, stepping towards me in her flowy scarlet blouse and skin-tight black jeans.

I instinctively step back and away from her, but I stop when I think I hear a noise. It’s a loud squeak on the floor that makes me stop, but it doesn’t stop right away.

“I don’t care, Amber, you can have him! I told him what you did to me and he didn’t believe me because of whatever spell you put on him. So you can keep him and live a wonderful, happy life together. I don’t care anymore, and I hate that I ever did,” I announce with weight to my words, willing my feet to lift from the carpet, but they won’t.

Amber chuckles, crossing her arms with a pleased smile of satisfaction painting her face. “I can’t believe you had the nerve to tell him what I did to you,” she mutters in disbelief, shaking her head. “As if Harry would believe that I’d do such a thing. He probably thinks you made it up. Hell, for all I know I never laid a finger on you and you just imagined the whole thing.”

“You left marks on me, Amber,” I spit out through gritted teeth.

“Yeah, and apparently that wasn’t even enough to convince Harry. God, I really do have him wrapped around my finger,” Amber sighs happily. “I can’t do anything wrong in his eyes. He hasn’t even noticed how much I’ve been gone lately, or how often I’ve been texting this new bloke I’m fucking on the side.”

“You slut!” I exclaim, not being able to hold it in. “Harry loves you and would do anything for you! He built this firm from the ground up! He’s sweet, he’s kind, he’s giving, he’s funny- he’s amazing and that’s how you treat him?!”

“Excuse me?! Who here was throwing themselves at my boyfriend right in front of me?!” Amber argues, taking another frightening step toward me. She’s no longer laughing, but instead, her drawn-on eyebrows have fallen into a point above her glassy stare.

“How dense are you?!” I laugh, feeling the anger rise warmly in my chest. I really don’t care anymore. “You have such a huge problem with that - which never happened, thank you - but you think it’s okay to cheat on your boyfriend?! My god, you really are fucking dumb!”

“You just had your last laugh, bitch, because I’m going to slap that smug smile right off your face,” she snarls, taking several steps before I can almost see the flames rising in her eyes.

“No, you won’t!” a voice announces.

I take my eyes off of Amber to see who said that, but it’s a second too long that lets her clawed hand accost my face.

28 notes · View notes

theexecutionerssong · 5 years

Text

I’m replying to everyone who’s sent me a message regarding the being nicer thing from yesterday under the cut because I don’t want to be annoying by publishing so many asks. thank you, all of you ♥

Honestly, I think it’s ridiculous that people are accusing you of sounding mean/rude etc. sometimes I think you’re still too nice to the rude anons and I feel like a lot of this is passive aggressive on their part. They come at you because they think you’re an ‘insider’ fan and they’re jealous, and if you come back defensively, then they accuse you of being rude blah blah blah. If these people are making your experience on tumblr a negative one then just ignore those asks and enjoy yourself bb!

Hmm idk I mean it wouldn’t cross my mind to go after someone because they know some things I don’t? So they probably have a point somewhere in telling me I should be kinder, I know I can be short when I answers asks because I get so many and sometimes the same ones every other day so it gets a bit tiring...

hello! for sounding "nicer" i know when it comes to like texting friends and stuff. i always over use emojis and 'lol' bc i think when you don't it makes people (including myself) read it in a kind of boring/unimpressed tone in my head. LIKE HOW CAPS MAKES ME YELL IN MY HEAD LOL. (disclaimer: i'm a recent follower and find you nothing but nice. and you definitely don't owe any of us to go out of your way to type differently so you come across as 'nicer'. your english is fantastic!)

if I ever use lol then it’s because I find the thing extremely not funny and it’s ironic ahah I try to use emoji but when on my computer I can’t really be bothered... Thank you very much for your message!

I don’t think you’re rude, I think sometimes you get defensive because you’ve been getting the same questions over and over again and you must get tired. And you’ve talked about having insomnia so you must also be physically tired on top of mentally. That’s normal, we’re all humans. Don’t worry about it.

Yeah it’s true, I do get defensive when I’m more tired. Sometimes when I need to vent, I read my inbox outloud to a friend - the asks I don’t publish I mean - and it helps but sometimes I don’t have anyone next to me to do that with so I get cranky when I see people prying into the cast’s lives, asking personal questions, things like that. It’s hard to ignore when you read the same disturbing things every couple of days. Thank you ♥

You're not annoying at all, on the contrary, you're the sweetest! It's just that I think people are frustrated that you know so much without sharing, and maybe also the fact that you continue to think you're a normal fan, even though you're clearly "in". I don't know, I'm trying to understand... I think it might be jealousy as well.

The thing is, I can’t say for now how I’ve come to know some stuff because it would spoil way too much and I don’t know if I’ll even be able to ever. I’m not really “in”, that’s the thing. I am a normal fan, as normal as a fan who’s lucky enough to live in Paris and who could go to a lot of events - and that’s a couple hundreds of us. I don’t know how much the international fandom is aware of that but David and Niels and the cast know hundreds of us by name just because we were lucky enough to meet them several times. I’m not really more “in” than those other people. Some from the cast have not a clue who I am at all and others only know my @ on instagram because I send them the pics. I’m a bit closer to some for reasons I can’t talk about. The team got a lot of complaints about everything always happening in Paris and some fans ending up being more priviledged than others. I’m hoping there will be more events outside of Paris, maybe screenings or something in the future so it doesn’t feel as ~Parisian elite~ as last year.

I think you’ve always been receptive when people came to you with a different opinion and from what I saw, you’re always willing to learn. Some people are just too entitled and come barging in and that’s when you raise you hackles. It’s not really on you, it’s hard to be kind to everyone when people don’t always deserve it.

Hmmm yeah, my friends have told me I have strong opinions and don’t change my mind easily so... idk. I could maybe be more receptive, like you said, at times. I went from getting one ask every six months to dozens a day in a few weeks last year and it still blows my mind. I wasn’t ready for that. There must be people who disagree with me in my followers. Idk. Something I need to think about. Thanks ♥

bonsoir tumblr grandma! 💫 in my humble opinion, you do not come off as rude. I just think sometimes people tend to read what they wanna read and make the worst out of it. Plus, the whole Even season is a really touchy subject because everyone would love one and when such announcements of possibles seasons happen, they can't help but be hopeful. So of course they don't like it when they're told it's not gonna happen. You're not rude, you're just saying things they don't want to hear. 🤷‍♀️ ily!

I know how much people must be upset to see their hopes crushed, I was disappointed too back when I first heard about it, and my hopes were not that high to begin with since David had said before Eliott wasn’t considered as main. I get asks every week about Eliott being main, almost every gifset I make will have a tag about how whatever is clearly a reference to Eliott being main and I’m just like... let it go. Or talk about it on your own posts. I’m sad it’s not happening. Don’t rub it in my face, you know? I didn’t say anything for months and accepted it was the way it would be so I couldn’t complain but then Henrik mentioned it to someone at HOS2 and I thought that finally those asks and comments would stop but they don’t and it’s very tiring. Anyway, thank you as always!

I don't think you're rude and i don't know you irl it's just that some of your anons are creepy and acted so demanding like you owe us something and it pissed me off actually. Like those anon who asked something like you know this right? How you know abt this? Why you know the cast? It sounds so suspicious that you know them etc. these anons are so nosy like why so negative. Istg i thought they would interrogate you yesterday after you mentioned abt working with assa before skamfr.

I’m gonna say something I haven’t really shared in details before but it’s weighting on me. Some anons are really creepy, so I don’t publish them. For exemple, somebody found my spotify recently and through it found my old Facebook. My friends have sent me screenshots of people following them on their instagram after being tagged in my stories and they are always Skam stans, even when my friends have never posted about anything Skam related. Someone once went digging into my personal life so far that they could have ruined the theme of season 5 in september if they had decided to make what they had found public instead of sending me an ask about it. That shit is not okay. I blew up about this once last year and somebody told me “why do you make it sounds like we’re creepy fans of yours” and well, because some stuff IS creepy. I understand being curious but I will never share anything about the personal lives of the cast or anything that could spoil the seasons so I’d just like it if people stopped asking, you know? Thank you for reaching out ♥

gaëlle you never even once came off as rude (i started following you in february-march when s3 was airing). you're always helpful and patient. it's obvious when ppl go to cons/projos/meet the cast they might unintentionally find out smth that's not public knowledge. and it's a good thing actually that you don't immediately run here to share bc maybe a cast member didn't mean to reveal smth etc. in any case you don't owe us any information and those who demand answers are the rude ones

Thank you, love. yeah I’ve lost counts of how many times they’ve accidentally spoiled something at cons or screenings or in the background of ig stories, especially in the beginning. They are more careful now and some even let slip fake spoilers to see if it will spread (and by some I mean Axel after his play when he stays to talk to fans lmao). The fans who’ve learned stuff that way are usually super protective of the show though so nothing really spreads and that’s really nice to see - sorry Axel, joke’s on you ahah

Hi Gaëlle! Just want to say that I followed you because you always sound soooo sweet and sincere when answering asks. Never thought you're rude, even sometimes I thought you could be ruder because the ask was rude😂 Anyway, just thought let you know my opinion on the last ask, have a good day!🥰

Thank you darling. I’m sure I must have been rude at some point, I don’t think the anon from yesterday would have said that out of the blue, and I’m very sorry that I don’t realize it. Unless when people are REALLY rude then I allow myself to tell them to fuck off dfghjk

You don’t know me but I saw you a lot at HOS2, I recognized you from your instagram. Every time I saw you, you were cuddling people, laughing, singing - I heard you sing with your friends and Maxence joining in, it was adorable! The cheers the cast let out when they saw you come up for the group pictures weren’t fake. You have an aura around you that brightens the room. I really hope this isn’t too weird of me to say. I don’t think you could ever be unkind. You wouldn’t have so many friends otherwise - I mean, it looked like you do - and the cast wouldn’t have reacted like that upon seeing you. That alone convinced me you were a good person.

Oh my god I don’t know what to say. This is very unexpected, why didn’t you come say hi if you knew who I was? I wouldn’t have minded at all! Thank you, I don’t know what to say, really this is so kind. Have a lovely day. Thank you. thank you.

You're one of the nicest people I know, you're a literal bundle of love and sunshine (I'm not even kidding, really). And you're always so considerate about everybody when you're responding to asks that are asked NICELY... so really I don't know how you can come across as rude. And you deserve all the love 💕

Merci @littlhedgehog love you so so much and I’m so happy Skam brought us together. It’s been way too long since I gave you a hug ♥♥♥

and at 3 parts anon with advice who told me not to publish, thank you too, I’ll remember everything you said ♥

#gaelle parle #im so damn overwhelmed by all this #every time i want to quit you're there being so kind and i don't know what to do with myself #nice people tag

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bae-leth · 5 years

Text

Ivan Alexis Blaiddyd - Unit Overview

Hi again! I’m doing my best trying to plan out the one-shot for my son Ivan so I decided that while I’m still planning things out on that front, it would be fun to make up some quotes and other stuff for him as a unit in the game! It was tons of fun trying to come up with different stuff depending on what part of the story it would take place. I probably missed or made mistakes on a bunch of quote stuff (I was rather sick and loopy when I played the game), but I did my best! A NOTE: I left out a bunch of stuff that would have been exactly identical to how it’s said or done in game canon for Dimitri, so if I only put down Ivan’s version of a quote or leave out a section for something, that’s why. SECOND NOTE: I put in canon Dimitri’s stats, growths, and proficiencies so that you can easily compare the differences between him and Ivan. And I am SOOOO sorry for the length…But I hope you enjoy! And I hope you have fun spotting all the differences between Ivan and Dimitri, both the obvious ones and the more subtle ones. As well as the subtler hints towards Ivan’s personality that I hopefully wrote up properly!

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bae’s quick notes: all of Willow’s amazing detailed notes below stem from their Other Dimitri AU! You HAVE to check it out, it’s so good!!

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Character Description (as Dimitri)

The crown prince of the Holy Kingdom of Faerghus and leader of the Blue Lions. He is a chivalrous and kind young man, however he seems to be hiding something dark behind his pleasant exterior.

Character Description (as Ivan)

The second prince of the Holy Kingdom of Faerghus, who had been presumed dead following the Tragedy of Duscur. After nine years of masquerading as his brother, he has chosen to face the future as himself.

Preferences (as Dimitri)

Likes: Battle training, weapon maintenance, combat, high-quality weapons, strength training, going for long rides, physically laborious work

Dislikes: Delicate work, fragile objects, scorching heat, selfish people

Preferences (as Ivan)

Likes: Going for long rides, writing and performing music, live musical performances, fiction books, ceremonial weapons, board games, sparring

Dislikes: Himself, darkness, excessive training, scorching heat, people who talk behind others’ backs

Stats and Growths (Canon Dimitri)

Base Stats - HP: 28 Strength: 12 Magic: 4 Dexterity: 7 Speed: 7 Luck: 5 Defense: 7 Resistance: 4 Charm: 9

Max Stats - HP: 99 Strength: 87 Magic: 38 Dexterity: 69 Speed: 69 Luck: 42 Defense: 57 Resistance: 36 Charm: 77

Stat Growths - HP: 55% Strength: 60% Magic: 20% Dexterity: 50% Speed: 50% Luck: 25% Defense: 40% Resistance: 20% Charm: 55%

Stats and Growths (as Ivan)

Base Stats - HP: 24 Strength: 10 Magic: 6 Dexterity: 5 Speed: 5 Luck: 8 Defense: 6 Resistance: 4 Charm: 8

Max Stats - HP: 90 Strength: 82 Magic: 48 Dexterity: 64 Speed: 64 Luck: 67 Defense: 56 Resistance: 36 Charm: 73

Stat Growths - HP: 50% Strength: 55% Magic: 35% Dexterity: 45% Speed: 45% Luck: 50% Defense: 40% Resistance: 20% Charm: 50%

Skills and Proficiencies (Canon Dimitri)

Skill Levels – Sword: E+ Lance: D+ Axe: E Bow: E Brawl: E Reason: E Faith: E Authority: D Heavy Armor: E Riding: D Flying: E

Strengths: Sword, Lance, Authority

Weaknesses: Axe, Reason

Budding Talent: Riding

Skills and Proficiencies (as Ivan)

Skill Levels – Sword: E+ Lance: D Axe: E Bow: E Brawl: E Reason: E Faith: E+ Authority: D Heavy Armor: E Riding: E+ Flying: E

Strengths: Lance, Authority, Riding

Weaknesses: Reason, Heavy Armor

Budding Talent: Faith

*Ivan can learn the Faith spells Heal, Recover, Physic, Nosferatu, and Aura*

First Kill

“It’s justice for what they’ve done. It’s justice. And yet…my hands…”

Cooking (as Dimitri)

“I must say that cooking isn’t my forte, but I promise to do my best, Professor!”

“Hmm, what sort of flavors will these ingredients produce? I wonder…”

Cooking (as Ivan)

“I wasn’t lying when I said I don’t have an eye for this sort of thing, Professor. I apologize in advance.”

“This is…not going as badly as I expected. Though my expectations weren’t very high to begin with.”

Choir Practice (as Dimitri)

“Singing, huh? We must all do our part for the sake of a successful performance. Although, I was never one for song…”

Choir Practice (as Ivan)

“I’ve loved music since I was a child. Singing, playing…It was something that was mine. I’m…quite out of practice now though…”

Counselor Note (as Ivan)

“I feel confused. There are things I loved before and always thought I wanted to return to, and yet they don’t interest me now. And there are things I always thought I was doing for the sake of others that I’ve realized I enjoy more than I thought. I don’t like how I’m not sure of my own interests anymore.”

(Bad Answer): You’re really confused, aren’t you?

(Good Answer): There’s nothing unusual about changing as you grow. Take as much time as you need to figure yourself out.

(Bad Answer): Maybe if you’re stubborn about it your interests will go back to normal.

Lost Item (as Dimitri)

Items

Childhood Picture (A portrait, worn with age, of a group of smiling children. How sad that it seems part of it has been ripped off. Probably belongs to someone with several friends.)

Jeweled Dagger (A beautiful silver dagger with blue sapphires embedded in the hilt. The letter D is carved into the base of the hilt. Probably belongs to someone who like weapons.)

Collection of Fairytales (A thick book of many tales of fantasy and adventure. Something has been brutally crossed out on the inside of the front cover. Probably belongs to someone who loves stories.)

(If item belongs to him): “Oh, I’m so glad you found this! Thank you.”

(If item doesn’t belong to him): “My apologies, Professor, but that isn’t mine.”

Lost Item (as Ivan)

Items:Same as above.

(If item belongs to him): “Thank you! I…I don’t know what I would’ve done if I’d lost this.”

(If item doesn’t belong to him): “Sorry, I think you have the wrong person…”

Gift (as Dimitri)

Liked Gifts: Forget-me-nots, Training Weight, Whetstone, Riding Boots, Ceremonial Sword

Disliked Gifts: Book of Sheet Music, Gemstone Beads, Armored Bear Stuffy

(Received gift he likes): What a thoughtful gift! Thank you so much!

(Received gift that’s neutral): Thank you for your kind thoughts.

(Received gift he dislikes): I…appreciate the sentiment. Please, don’t give me that look.

Gift (as Ivan)

Liked Gifts: Forget-me-nots, Book of Sheet Music, Board Game, Ceremonial Sword, Riding Boots

Disliked Gifts: Gemstone Beads, Training Weight, Arithmetic Textbook

(Received gift he likes): For me? Truly? I don’t know what to say…

(Received gift that’s neutral): I’m glad you’re thinking of me.

(Received gift he dislikes): Umm…Thank you…? Don’t give me that look!

Tea Party (as Dimitri)

Greeting: “I apologize for the wait.”

Liked Topics: Monastery rules, You seem well, Evaluating allies, Working hours for guards, Equipment upkeep, The ideal Professor, School days, Working together, The last battle…, Mighty weapons, Sturdy weapons, Thanks for everything…, The library’s collection, Our first meeting…, Children at the market, Fodlan’s future, Books you’ve read recently, A new Gambit…, A word of advice, Someone you look up to…, A place you’d like to visit…, Overcoming weaknesses, The view from the bridge, Cooking mishaps

Disliked Topics: Reliable allies, Being the perfect knight, You seem different…, Dining partners…, Hopes for your future, Things you find romantic, Food for life, Capable comrades, The existence of Crests, Classes you might enjoy, The Opera…, Favorite sweets, School uniforms, Shareable snacks, Cats…, Tell me about yourself, I’m counting on you, You’re doing great work, Past laughs, Close calls

Comments

“I would like to learn all I can from you, so please join me for some training.”

“A relaxing conversation…It’s certainly been a while, hasn’t it? Hmm? Sorry, I was talking to myself.”

“I apologize for troubling you. I am grateful for your support.”

“I’ve always been too strong for my own good. I keep destroying fragile things as a result. Yes, I certainly do have a cursed touch…”

“When I feel down, I go out for a long ride on my own. There is no place more relaxing than a trusted steed’s back.”

Extended Time Comments

“A gift for me? How thoughtful!”

“…Is there something wrong with my face?”

“My hands shake sometimes, particularly after battles. I hope they stop soon…”

“This may be a strange question, but how does my smile look? Is it…warm? No, forget I said anything.”

End of Tea Party: “Thank you, I had a wonderful time. I would like to do this again sometime, if that’s alright with you.”

Tea Party (as Ivan)

*Only listed topics that are placed differently than how they’re placed in the Dimitri section*

Greeting: “I’m glad you invited me.”

Liked Topics: Tell me about yourself, I’m counting on you, The Opera…, You seem different…, Past laughs, Cats…

Disliked Topics: Monastery rules, Mighty weapons, Sturdy weapons, School days, Cooking mishaps, Equipment upkeep

Comments

“Please, don’t hesitate to tell me if I’m a boring conversationalist. Being social was never my strong suit.”

“Until around nine years ago I was terrified of horses. It’s true! If you had told my younger self that he’d ever find horse riding soothing, he’d laugh.”

“I…I’ve recently begun to write music again. It’s nothing special, I haven’t done it in years. But…it makes me nostalgic. I’d love to play, to sing, again one day.”

“My brother’s ability to break practically anything was a sight to behold. It took me years of practice to get as bad as him. Years! But…those moments always did make me laugh the most…”

“I appreciate you. I’m sorry if that’s too blunt, but I wanted you to know that. I’m so grateful for all you’ve done.”

Extended Time Comments

“This is for me? You’re truly a kind one, aren’t you?”

“My eye? It doesn’t hurt me anymore. I’m…somewhat grateful for it. Ah, sorry, I don’t know how to explain what I mean…”

“My hands have started shaking after battles again…Is that truly such a bad thing?”

“Thank you for not giving up on me, Professor. I’ll do all I can to live up to your, and everyone else’s, expectations.”

End of Tea Party: “Thank you for inviting me. It’s nice to talk with you honestly for once. Can we…do this again?”

Dining Hall (as Ivan)

Favorite Food: Shares many favorites with Ingrid, so if a food is her favorite it will most likely be his as well. Also loves food with interesting textures.

“It smells wonderful. I’m sure it must be delicious.”

“This is my favorite…Yes, I’m certain of it!”

With Dedue

Ivan: “Haha, you look like you’re enjoying yourself, Dedue!”

Dedue: “Not as much as you seem to be enjoying yourself, Your Highness.”

Ivan: “Hmm? Do I…really look that happy?”

With Felix

Felix: “Another meal I have to spend sitting with you.”

Ivan: “Come now, Felix, we used to do everything together. Remember that time we fought with our brothers and lost? And then we ran to my room and cried for-”

Felix: “Just shut up and eat your food!”

With Sylvain

Ivan: “Sylvain? You’ve been staring for a while. You’re going to make me blush if you keep this up.”

Sylvain: “Will I? Ooh, it’s been a while since I’ve seen you go red! …Seriously though, don’t mind me. It’s just…been a while, Ivan.”

Ivan: “…It has, hasn’t it?”

With Ingrid

Ivan: “Hmm…I can’t remember if this is truly my favorite dish or not.”

Ingrid: “It is, Ivan. It’s been a while, but I remember you and I loved many of the same dishes. So I can say, without a doubt, this one is one of your favorites.”

Ivan: “I think I remember that too. Thank you, Ingrid. And I hope you don’t mind if I trouble you for some more answers in the future.”

Instruction (as Ivan)

Bad: “Ahh, I…I’m sorry…”

Good: “That wasn’t so bad.”

Great: “I understand…Let me review it once more.”

Perfect: “It’s all coming to me!”

(Praise): “Y-You’re too kind to me.”

(Console): “Heh, come now, I’m no longer a child.”

(Scold): “…I’m sorry…”

Certification Exam Post-Timeskip (as Ivan)

Pass: “Will I be of more use to everyone now?”

Fail: “Even after all that studying? I, ah…I’m sorry…”

Class Mastery (as Ivan)

“I’ll put this strength to good use. I promise.”

Group Tasks (as Dimitri)

“Let’s make sure to do our work diligently.”

(Perfect) “It wasn’t any trouble at all!”

(Good) “We certainly did our best. I hope it was enough…”

Weeding

With Dedue

Dedue: “…Your Highness, I don’t like the way you’re looking at those weeds.”

Dimitri: “I wasn’t going to do anything! It’s just, I remembered being told once that there are several kinds of edible weeds, so…”

Dedue: “Your Highness, please…”

Group Tasks (as Ivan)

“I’ll make up for not pulling my weight before.”

(Perfect) “Did we meet your expectations?”

(Good) “I hope we didn’t cause extra work for someone else.”

Stable Duty

With Dedue

Dedue: “Are you doing well, Your Highness? I heard you’re terrified of horses, so if there’s any trouble-”

Ivan: “It’s been years since then, Dedue. Horses are no trouble for me, I promise.”

Dedue: “If you’re certain.”

With Felix

Felix: “At least you’re finally helping out for a change.”

Ivan: “Ah, I’m…I’m sorry for not doing more before.”

Felix: “Pah, would you quit apologizing already? Keep it up and ‘sorry’ won’t sound like a real word anymore.”

With Ingrid

Ingrid: “When we were younger, whenever I asked if you wanted to help me take care of my horse, you’d freeze in place. What made you so scared of them in the first place?”

Ivan: “Honestly, it’s been so long, I can’t remember anymore. But I’m fine with them now.”

Ingrid: “And I’m glad for it. I have plenty of lost years to make up for with you, after all!”

With Sylvain

Sylvain: “This brings back memories! You crying and running to hide behind me or Dimitri every time a horse so much as looked at you wrong.”

Ivan: “Sylvain, please tell me you haven’t been spreading that story around. I’m no longer scared of horses!”

Sylvain: “I know. But if you ever get spooked and wanna hide behind your old pal, for old time’s sake, feel free!”

Clearing Rubble

With Dedue

Ivan: “Was there always so much rubble around here? I’m sorry I’ve left you all to take care of this on your own this whole time.”

Dedue: “It’s alright, Your Highness. You’re helping us now, and that’s enough.”

Ivan: “Is it though…?”

With Felix

Ivan: “Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm~”

Felix: “…Hmph. Someone’s in a good mood.”

Ivan: “Hmm? Did you say something, Felix?”

With Ingrid

Ivan: “Hmm, hmm, hmm~! Hmm, hmm, hmm~”

Ingrid: “Will you…take up music again, Ivan? I’ve missed your songs terribly.”

Ivan: “I…I would like to. One day…”

With Sylvain

Sylvain: “Good grief, every time we clear this area it’s like someone dumps another load of rubble just to spite us!”

Ivan: “The monastery did take a lot of damage over these past five years. Let’s work hard, okay?”

Sylvain: “I know, I know…”

Sky Watch

With Dedue

Ivan: “I must be honest. While I’m at ease with horses, I don’t think that ease has yet to extend to Pegasi.”

Dedue: “If you’d like to go back down, please do so. I can take over from here.”

Ivan: “No, I appreciate the thought, Dedue. But I can’t be a cowardly child forever.”

With Felix

Felix: “How long do you plan on staring at the ground, boar? You have to keep your eyes ahead if you want to keep watch.”

Ivan: “Please don’t take this the wrong way, Felix, but can we not speak right now?”

Felix: “You’re ridiculous…”

With Ingrid

Ingrid: “You’ve been looking pale since we set off. I know you’re not afraid of heights, so what’s wrong?”

Ivan: “It’s pathetic. I’m used to horses, but Pegasi still shake me up…”

Ingrid: “Oh, Your Highness…”

With Sylvain

Sylvain: “I’m curious. I know horses always scared you, but what about Pegasi? I mean, they’re basically horses with wings.”

Ivan: “Sylvain…”

Sylvain: “Hey, no need to glare like that! I’m shutting up now.”

Perfect Result

With Dedue

Ivan: “Dedue was fantastic. We never would have finished so quickly without him.”

Dedue: “You never give yourself the credit you deserve, my prince.”

With Felix

Felix: “I guess this boar’s not so bad to deal with if you know how to handle him.”

Ivan: “Heh, you did a fine job too, Felix.”

With Sylvain

Sylvain: “We did a perfect job! C’mon, Ivan, no compliments for your old friend?”

Ivan: “Yes, yes, you were excellent as usual, Sylvain.”

With Ingrid

Ivan: “The job’s done. Ingrid’s help was a blessing.”

Ingrid: “Why don’t you take some praise for yourself, my friend?”

Good Result

With Dedue

Dedue: “Our results were satisfactory, wouldn’t you say, Your Highness?”

Ivan: “Yes, we did our best. Thank you for your help.”

With Felix

Felix: “Hmm, that wasn’t too bad to go through, I suppose.”

Ivan: “We did well, didn’t we, Felix?”

With Sylvain

Sylvain: “Alright, we’re finally done! Thank goodness!”

Ivan: “Was it truly that bad? I thought we were doing well.”

With Ingrid

Ingrid: “We’ve finally completed our task. Good work.”

Ivan: “You too. I couldn’t have done it without you.”

Level Up Pre-Timeskip

“…Not good enough.” (0-2 stats)

“I must run extra drills when we get back.” (3-4 stats)

“Yes, that’s right. This is much better.” (5-6 stats)

“Good. I just need to keep up this pace!” (7+ stats)

“Am I…? Am I really not capable of more?” (Max stats)

Level Up Post-Timeskip (as Dimitri)

“How am I supposed to kill her like this?!” (0-2 stats)

“Better…But not good enough…” (3-4 stats)

“If only a monster can do this, then I’ll gladly call myself one.” (5-6 stats)

“Rest easy…Your revenge is a hair’s breadth away!” (7+ stats)

“I’ll end it. Everything. Every single thing.” (Max stats)

Level Up Post-Timeskip (as Ivan)

“I know I’m better than this!” (0-2 stats)

“This is progress. This is good.” (3-4 stats)

“Slowly and steadily, just like this. I can do this.” (5-6 stats)

“Brother, watch me. I will protect everyone!” (7+ stats)

“I never dared to dream of this…” (Max stats)

Skill Quotes Pre-Timeskip

New Skill

“I got this.”

“I’ll work diligently.”

Skill Level Up

“It’s becoming clearer now.”

“I’ll study harder.”

“Maybe a little more practice will clear things up.”

Skill Mastery

“Yes, I understand now.”

“Good. Another milestone passed.”

Skill Quotes Post-Timeskip (as Dimitri)

New Skill

“This better be useful.”

“What do I do with this?”

Skill Level Up

“I see.”

“A waste of time.”

“Hmph.”

Skill Mastery

“Should the rats be trembling now?”

“Done.”

Skill Quotes Post Timeskip (as Ivan)

New Skill

“This is new…”

“I have to work harder now.”

Skill Level Up

“Perhaps a little more practice will help.”

“Wait, I…I think I understand.”

“If only everything came to me so easily.”

Skill Mastery

“Oh, am I…done?”

“This will prove to be quite the boon.”

Battle Quotes Pre-Timeskip

When Selected

“I’ll cut through!” (Full Health)

“I’m still in top form.” (Half Health)

“I can’t fall yet…” (Low Health)

Enemy Deal 1 or No Damage or Misses

“Too slow!”

“Not good enough!”

Critical Attack

“It’s the end of the line!”

“Farewell!”

“For Faerghus!”

“Make your peace!”

Gambit Cut-In

“We can do this.”

Defeated Enemy

“It’s how it must be.”

“Stop shaking…”

“It had to be done.”

“It’s justice, that’s all.”

“I could have done that better.”

Ally Defeats Enemy

“You’ve done well!”

Ally Heals/Rallies

“I’m grateful to you.”

“Thank you.”

Reclassing

“I will do my best, I swear it.”

Battle Quotes Post-Timeskip (as Dimitri)

When Selected

“What?” (Full Health)

“This is nothing.” (Half Health)

“Death can’t claim me yet.” (Low Health)

Enemy Deal 1 or No Damage or Misses

“Fool!”

“Pathetic!”

Critical Attack

“Die!”

“To ashes with you!”

“Get out of my sight!”

“I’ll kill you!”

Gambit Cut-In

“Don’t drag me down.”

Defeated Enemy

“I’ll join you in hell soon enough.”

“Next.”

“Did you see them scream?”

“I lost myself too long ago.”

“Too simple.”

Ally Defeats Enemy

“You can’t do more?”

Ally Heals/Rallies

“A waste of effort.”

“Hmm.”

Reclassing

“If this doesn’t prove useful…”

Battle Quotes Post-Timeskip (as Ivan)

When Selected

“Please rely on me.” (Full Health)

“No, don’t worry about me.” (Half Health)

“I must…be cautious.” (Low Health)

Enemy Deal 1 or No Damage or Misses

“You tried, I’ll say that.”

“Saw it coming!”

Critical Attack

“I can’t let you through!”

“This is how it must be!”

“On my honor!

“I will protect them!”

Gambit Cut-In

“Together now!”

Defeated Enemy

“I won’t let this be in vain.”

“…I’m shaking again…”

“Will you haunt me now…?”

“I wonder if I was ever made for battle…”

“I hope you made your peace.”

Ally Defeats Enemy

“You’ve worked hard, haven’t you?”

Ally Heals/Rallies

“You’re too kind.”

“I don’t deserve it.”

Reclassing

“If I can help everyone like this, then I’ll be whatever I must be.”

Retreat Quote Pre-Timeskip

“I’m not allowed to die here. My apologies, but I must fall back for now.”

Retreat Quote Post-Timeskip (as Dimitri)

“Worthless, useless body! Remember my face, dog! I will see your blasted corpse yet!”

Retreat Quote Post-Timeskip (as Ivan)

“Dying isn’t an option. I promised so many people I would live. I’m sorry, I will make up for this, I swear!”

Death Quote Pre-Timeskip (before it’s revealed “Dimitri” had a brother)

“No…No…Not here, not now. Please…don’t hate me…Please.”

Death Quote Pre-Timeskip (after it’s revealed “Dimitri” had a brother)

“I need more time. Please…I can’t die yet…Give me…strength…Brother!”

Death Quote Post-Timeskip (as Dimitri)

“Don’t look at me…like that…Stop! I beg you! …No, I swear! I swear…I was doing…all I could…”

Death Quote Post-Timeskip (as Ivan)

“There’s so much…I still have to do…So much I…want to do…As myself! Please forgive me, everyone. Forgive me…Di…mi…tri…”

**BONUS **

Supports

In Ivan’s case, regarding supports, anyone who goes up to A or S support with him will only unlock their A and S supports with him after he’s chosen to be Ivan again. Likewise, anyone who goes up to B support with him will only unlock their final B support with him after he chooses to be Ivan again. By “final B support” I mean that in Ivan’s case, anyone who only goes up to B support with him has two B support related conversations.

Ivan’s Supports: Byleth, all members of the Blue Lions, Raphael, Marianne, Dorothea, Flayn, Gilbert, Alois, Catherine, Manuela

*Considering Ivan’s true nature, these supports will change quite a bit by the final support conversation(s)*

*No way am I gonna mention this boy loves music over and over and NOT give him supports with Dorothea and Manuela. But I expect his supports with them before he goes by his real identity again to be hilarious (and rather sad let’s be real) as he desperately tries to act like he doesn’t give a shit about music (also it’s so funny how disinterested canon Dimitri is in music I didn’t realize it until I looked up his info to write all this)*

Blue Lions Comments Around Monastery (Pre-Timeskip, after it’s revealed “Dimitri” had a brother)

Dedue: “I apologize. By the time I came into His Highness’ service, his brother was already dead, so I never knew him. All I can say is that his death has affected His Highness more than any of us could ever understand.”

Felix: “Don’t. If you want to learn about the boar prince and his brother, ask someone else. I don’t have anything to say about either of them.”

Ingrid: “…Ivan was a timid and quiet boy. Dimitri, Glenn, and Sylvain always protected him, he and Felix were two of a kind, and I always held his hand when he cried. The people of Faerghus didn’t see Ivan the way we saw him. I don’t think Ivan himself understood how we saw him either. Losing…Losing Ivan changed Dimitri…”

Sylvain: “You found out about Ivan, huh? It’s not like it’s supposed to be a secret, we just try not to talk about it much, for Dimitri’s sake. Be careful who you ask about Ivan. There are so many idiots who know nothing…Dimitri seems like he’s doing well, right? The guy’s a better actor than anyone gives him credit for.”

Ashe: “I’ve known about Prince Ivan since I was a commoner. Everyone considered him a joke, laughed about him and called him weak, pathetic. It made me want to meet him, you know. To see the real him. But then the Tragedy of Duscur happened and, well, you know…”

Mercedes: “It’s sad the way I’ve heard people talk about Prince Ivan. I can’t imagine how hurt Dimitri must feel, hearing people talk about his own brother like that. I wonder if they were close. Ah, but it may be insensitive to ask about that, wouldn’t it?”

Annette: “From what I can remember, no one thought much of Prince Ivan. Prince Dimitri was the heir, and he’s always been strong and smart. So, everyone pushed Prince Ivan to the side. I saw him once, at a party. Prince Dimitri was surrounded by so many people while Prince Ivan was alone, in the corner of the room. But…I could never tell if he wanted to join in or not.”

Dimitri: “Please, there’s no need to worry about me. I’ve accepted Ivan’s loss a long time ago. …My brother…was one of a kind. There’s no one who could be like him. Not a single person…”

Blue Lions Comments Around Monastery (Post-Timeskip, after it’s revealed “Dimitri” is Ivan)

Dedue: “I never knew the real Prince Dimitri. But from what I’ve heard of him, he seemed like the kind of person I would’ve enjoyed knowing. It doesn’t matter though. His Highness is the prince I know and believe in. There’s no other in this world that could replace him.”

Felix: “…A long time ago, when the boar was more of a human, he told me he wanted what his brother had. He always was jealous of him. Well, you can see how that turned out. As far as I’m concerned, both of the princes are long dead.”

Ingrid: “We lost Dimitri and Ivan nine years ago. Ivan was the one officially declared dead, so none of us could ever mourn for Dimitri properly. Meanwhile, Ivan warped himself to become Dimitri in every way. I don’t know if he even remembers who he truly is anymore…”

Sylvain: “Well, there you go! You’ve figured out our kingdom’s dirty little secret. Congratulations! …I’m sorry. I’m not angry at you. Ivan’s uncle and those court advisors who only care about appearances were the only ones who wanted this. Me, Felix, Ingrid, and Felix’s father tried to fight it. But Ivan went ahead and agreed to do the act, without any hesitation. It hurt us, all of us…”

Ashe: “Prince Dimitri is Prince Ivan? It’s like something out of a storybook. Ah, sorry, I know that’s not proper, but I don’t know what else to say. But…I wonder how much of the prince we knew back in the academy was real. Was…was anything of him real?”

Mercedes: “It must be difficult to wear the mask of someone you loved. To hear people speak of you and not know that you’re standing right there. I wonder…how long has it been since someone called him by his own name. What does he consider to be his own name now?”

Annette: “After the Tragedy of Duscur, when everyone thought it was Prince Ivan who died, I heard so many people who were thankful that it was him. They were glad because Prince Dimitri was so loved and respected, the idea of losing him was far more tragic. How cruel! How stupid! Acting as if it’s better one person died instead of another! It’s just…horrible!”

“Dimitri”/Ivan

???: “Go away…”

Byleth: (…Ivan?)

???: “Who…? Ah! …Leave.”

Byleth: (You’re Ivan.)

???: “Leave me alone!”

*I imagine that if this happened in the game then after it’s revealed that “Dimitri” is really Ivan, from this point onwards until he chooses to be Ivan again, his textbox would have his name listed as “???”, regardless of what anyone else calls him*

Blue Lions Comments Around Monastery (Post-Timeskip, after Ivan chooses to be himself again)

Dedue: “His Highness looks more at ease than I’ve ever seen him. His love for his brother was always obvious but I always thought it was suffocating him. But I couldn’t find the strength to tell him that, worried he’d think I was dismissing his feelings on the matter. …Thank you, Professor.”

Felix: “Ivan is still as dead as Dimitri is, you know. He spent nine years being his brother. That act, and his obsession with revenge, warped him over the past five years. The Ivan I knew will never come back. But I have to say, the way he’s behaving now…No, it’s nothing. Don’t tell anyone I said anything!”

Ingrid: “I hope Dimitri is happy. He would’ve never wanted his existence to make his brother suffer. Ivan always said Dimitri wanted him to get revenge, but I could never believe that. I’m sure, more than anything, Dimitri wished for his brother’s happiness. It’s been so long since I could interact with Ivan as Ivan! And I feel that, at long last, I can mourn for Dimitri now too.”

Sylvain: “Ivan. I never thought I could ever call him that again. I never thought I would see him be himself again! Well, he’s not completely the Ivan I remember. There’s so much he’s said and done, so much that’s changed him. I think the Ivan I grew up with will be, for the most part, only a memory. But he’s working hard to change himself and atone for all he’s done. So I’ll stay by this Ivan’s side every step of the way. We all will.”

Ashe: “I was worried when I heard Prince Dimitri was really Prince Ivan. I was scared that meant that the person I got to know at the academy was a fake, that all our memories together were fake. But I’ve been thinking about the prince I knew at the academy and the prince I know now. And I’ve realized they’re not that different. I think…I think our time together wasn’t as fake as I feared.”

Mercedes: “Ivan, Ivan, Ivan, Ivan. Oh, don’t mind me! Since the prince has chosen to go by his true name again, I’ve decided to practice. I don’t want to mess up, after all! Hmm, Ivan…The more I say it, the more I realize that it’s a lovely name. It suits him!”

Annette: “Oh, guess what? I learned that Prince Ivan likes music! I…accidentally overheard him humming in his room. So I asked around and Ingrid told me he used to be quite a musician when he was younger! Oh, but this makes things so much more embarrassing! I know he’s heard me sing my stupid songs…What do I do now?”

Ivan: “Hello, Professor…Is it strange, the way I speak now? I was always told my voice was softer than Dimitri’s. He truly was one of a kind. I don’t understand how anyone ever believed I was him. …I-it’s like we’re meeting for the first time again, isn’t it? Then, please let me introduce myself once more. I am Ivan Alexis Blaiddyd, the second prince of Faerghus. And, Professor? Thank you. With all my heart, thank you…”

Ivan: Light of Faerghus (Solo Ending)

Following the war, Ivan officially addressed the people of Faerghus and revealed his identity as Ivan Alexis Blaiddyd, revealing that it was his brother, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd, who had died during the Tragedy of Duscur. The news caused much talk amongst the people, no one sure what to make of the man who was once considered a failure of a prince but was now their king. Although he was considered king, Ivan forwent an official ceremony, wanting to first focus on regaining the trust of the citizens, and wanting to hold a proper funeral for his brother. Three years after the war, a grand ceremony was finally held to officially welcome Ivan as the king, the people he worked diligently to regain the faith of celebrating for weeks. His hard work to reform the political system and the Church, his investment in the arts, and his work with the orphans of Fodlan, made him beloved by many to the end of his days. History books would proclaim King Ivan to be like a beacon in the darkness, the treasured Light of Faerghus.

#submission #willow #fire emblem three houses #fe16 #ivan alexis blaiddyd #god im going to make this a tag YES #bae's notes: WILLOW!!! I LOVE THIS!!! I LOVE ALL THE DETAIL!!!!#some things i picked up: Ivan says sorry so many times.... im gonna cry his self esteem is so low....#i like how his mag and luck growth is noticeably higher than dima's!! that's a neat touch...#all the references to him and felix being the lil bros are so GOOd #the boy likes music!! and singing?? often he hums!! that's so sweet i love it!! and i love how others notice #did iVAN PICK UP THE EDIBLE WEEDS THING FROM DIMITRI.... DID HIS BROTHER SHOW HIM THAT WEEDS COULD BE EATEN ONE DAY.... AND HE TOOK IT TO #HEART... CURIOUSLY.... IM GONNNA JHDSHFHSGJDF #his voice is softer than dima's.... im.... cyring.....#i n short i LOVE THIS and i SCREAMED WHEN I GOT IT #everything ivan makes my heart go uwu.#fave #other dimitri au

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scarlettlawyer · 5 years

Text

Part 11 of my reaction/commentary to the Phantoms & Mirages Saga, the fanfic series by @renegadewangs

(Chasing Phantoms): Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

(Haunted Specters): Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

(Vanquishing Mirages): Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9

Vanquishing Mirages / Lifting Spirits: Part 10

Lifting Spirits, Chapter 1

At the very least, he could rest easy knowing that his first motorcycle lesson hadn’t been a complete disaster. The future looked promising.

ANY future looks promising when it has Motorcycle Simon in it

“Here, I brought you a sandwich.” “Is it chicken?”

Blackquill: [known bird lover, intense lover of birds pouring over bird documentaries in his spare time and cherishing Taka with all his heart]

The boy who would become the phantom, the moment he is presented with a sandwich: iS IT CHICKEN?

“But… People die when they are killed.”

ASDJHSDBKJS

A+ DIALOGUE THANK YOU I LOVE IT. GOOOSH I’M. SOMEBODY needs to compile a list of things this same person has said in this series. The above line. The courtroom jokes, the irony line… the “I’m aroace” line… The other things he said to intentionally turn Bobby against him post-phantomquill kissbait, throw in a bunch of other Lex lines too. The RANGE. THE SHEER RANGE. You could just do a list like that, show it to someone and be like “Yeeeaahh so ALL of these are essentially said by the same character in different stages of his life.”

Lifting Spirits, Chapter 2

Finally, there was a knock on the door and Lang led the way into the room. He looked irritable. He’d been giving off that air since before the surgery. Lex had a suspicion on what might be causing such irritation, but kept it to himself. Lang wouldn’t take his advice on matters like that anyway.

“Matters like that” I’M FGLKFGLKNGF

OKAY ALSO

I SOMEHOW MISREMEMBERED THIS AS BEING SOMETHING HE THINKS BACK BEFORE THE SURGERY BUT EITHER WAY IT’S JUST. GOLD.

The phantom – or the former phantom – Lex just sitting there doing his best to refrain from giving out romantic advice.

Someone younger than he’d expected. This man couldn’t be older than thirty- probably hadn’t even reached that age yet. […] this guy looked rather meek. He was lean; the sort of physique that made it seem like a strong gust of wind could blow him off his feet. His black hair was smoothed back with copious amounts of gel and his face bore overly kind features. A few sheets of paper and a notebook were clutched firmly under his right arm. Coupled with his neat black suit, dark blue tie and thick-rimmed glasses, he looked more like a door-to-door salesman than a therapist.

GEEEEE MEOWZY, GEEEE, SUCH DESCRIPTION, I WONDER IF HE’S AN IMPORTANT CHARACTER OR ANYTHING sdjnksdfknl.

Okay but back when I read this 1st time I was like. Well I seriously didn’t know WHY the hell this guy needed such a strong narrative focus on what he looked like. Like. “He’s the therapist. That’s all we need to know. He’s not important! Why do we care what he looks like! Why does it matter!” askjbsdkjnedskj just felt SO excessive just annoying that the narrative felt like it Cared so much about a random therapist character DFKDFKJ GOD I WAS A FOOL

AND ALSO UHHH

Like yes this fic post-bait was still promising and as superb as ever and had thrilled me with things like the music-listening thing BUT. I need you to understand that I was still very hurt over Fake Phantomquill and therefore, REALLY not in the mood for getting to know Sudden New Characters. The intense goodwill I’d built up for this series over three fics had been largely derailed at this point. I just… didn’t really care all that much about giving new characters a chance thanks to that new apathy. That, and the fact that this series genuinely felt like it was reaching the end at this point, with all of the Major Players already introduced. So how could any important character POSSIBLY show up now? Coupled with how Done I was after the phantomquill bait. SO YKNOW. Idiot that I am, I kind of breezed over the above paragraph a little impatiently without really taking anything in, like I read it but didn’t really ABSORB it or incorporate the physical description into how I pictured the character. I was just like “yeah ok he’s the therapist moving on? What’s next?” (BENNY I’M SO SORRY I WAS VERY MEAN). So yeah, my foolish logic: “series is almost over, all the important characters are introduced, therefore no character introduced at this point could possibly be important, therefore I don’t need to care about or pay attention to anyone new.”

…Like okay, I knew the story wanted me to see this new character as someone important and therefore pay attention to them, but I couldn’t understand why and therefore intentionally failed to pay much close attention almost out of spite.

But like. God. If I had actually bothered to take in anything about that physical description I would have actually NOTICED how handsome he is right from the start. Joke’s on me!

“[…] a person who’s supposed to have no emotions is incredibly interesting.”

[…]

Such an odd point of view was another thing that took Lex by surprise. All his life, people had called him a monster. A freak. A heartless robot or a demon. A Phantom. No one had ever considered his emotional state to be interesting. No one had ever considered it an honor to be sitting across from him. Who in their right mind would?

WHY WOULD YOU CALL ME OUT LIKE THIS

HELLO. SDKJNSFKJNSDKJ. ALSO THANK YOU SOMEONE ACTUALLY AGREES HOW INTERESTING THE LACK OF EMOTIONS THING IS.

But this is so funny it’s like the fic is takign aim at the fangirls. Me, a phantom fan: Hah… Yes… Who in their right mind would consider it an honour to be sitting across from him.. sdkjsdkjdsf

(Okay, that angle didn’t occur to me on 1st readthrough but now I’m just jokingly like “I feel so attacked” HAHAAH)

Most of the focus had been on Lex’s physical health and the way he was being treated, both on a medical level and on a personal level. Emotions could affect the body and Lex had to admit that recovery from his surgery was still going at a slow pace.

OH MY GOOOOOD FUUUUUDGE TH. BENNY IS SIZING HIM UP HE’S ASKING THOSE KINDS OF QUESTIONS FOR A REASON. GOD DAAAMN IT BENNY… Knowing the way he is being treated medically, things like that, can make it just that little bit easier! To! Make an attempt on his life! I’M

TFW u do ur job as a therapist but also as an assassin simultaneously.

No one else stopped by his room for hours on end. Not until it was time for the guard shift to rotate and Bobby Fulbright came strolling inside. Over the past week, it’d become painfully obvious that the Phantom’s attempt to crush the man’s cheerful attitude towards him had failed. That Bobby was still as overbearing as ever, acting as if that little incident involving Simon Blackquill hadn’t happened.

Idiot spy underestimated the power and strength of just HOW MUCH Bobby cares about him.

“Hahaha, that’s just like him.” Bobby nudged the wrapper towards the bin with his foot. “And just so you know, he’s single.”

BOBBY NO. THAT IS HIS THERAPIST. THAT IS YOUR THERAPIST,

Lex made sure to shoot Bobby the most emotionless expression he could still bring his face to ease into. It was funny how the surgery had messed with even that much. “It isn’t too late for me to end your life, you know.”

SDJKSDFNKJSDFKLNSDLNKSDLKN this & him saying this is so funny SEND HELP

The mark of Shelly de Killer.

OH. OKAAAY. I’D FORGOTTEN THAT THE FIRST ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT TAKES PLACE ON THE SAME DAY. BENNY WASTES NO TIME AT ALL… And it makes sense I mean. He got the info he needed to go ahead, so why wait? Oh my god..

Lifting Spirits, Chapter 3

…It’s terrible how much I kind of enjoyed Lex’s sudden downturn; what essentially was the prelude to and then became a vomit scene just because This man used to be the Unshakeable Phantom! LOOK AT HIM NOW. >:D

Plus he starts off soooo arrogant and overconfident at the beginning of the chapter as well before Lang is just like. “Lol. Looks like you didn’t actually kill Shelly and he’s after you.” Making the rapid nosedive that follows even more… It feels kinda weird to say “amusing”, but… IDK MAN THERE’S JUST INHERENT NARRATIVE APPEAL IN THIS LEVEL OF WEAKNESS AND VULNERABILITY AND WHAT HAVE YOU ON DISPLAY after a bout of confidence no less, from this character with this history specifically. Any other character and I’d be appropriately squicked out/feeling bad. I CAN BE VERY MEAN TO MY FAVE.

Also, “prayers to the porcelain god” is actually SUCH a good euphemism. Somehow… If I ever get the chance… I want to see if I can work it into saying it in real-life at least once. I don’t see any such opportunity arising anytime soon, however. :P

“Just send him in, it’s not like the day can get any worse,” Lex grumbled, clambering back onto his bed.

>:D

Benny shows up and it’s just pure dramatic irony. Re-reading is suuuuch a bonus.

What if they were endangering Benny by having him here?

OH MY G

“You’re a Snapple guy?”

I’M, I LOST IT AT THIS

Maybe he just wanted to be the one raising the questions- to be in control of the conversation. …Yeah, that was probably it. That was how the human psyche worked.

I’M?

“Of course. I don’t know how other people manage with their android phones. Snapple’s always got the upper hand,” Benny remarked, not even bothering to take his eyes off the screen.

Lex: Right. Have fun with your planned obsolescence, sucker.

IF A REAL LIFE MAN ACTUALLY SAID THIS TO MY FACE.. I GOTTA TELL YA… The sheer level of aggravating this is. XD. I DON’T KNOW IF I’D BE ABLE TO HOLD MYSELF BACK FROM SAYING SOMETHING.

Me internally if an IRL man said this to me: Oh so you’re insufferable and I probably won’t like you very much at all.

SDKJSDNKJSDNKJ

Lifting Spirits, Chapter 4

Bro. Bro I was suspicious of that coffee, man. And then when Lex drains it all, I was like “MMMM somehow… that feels like a mistake he’s going to regret.”

“Could there be any kind of poison in it that interpol could fail to detect?”

But, I didn’t suspect Benny of wrongdoing. I was suspicious of the coffee, but not Benny. I figured that if the coffee had been tampered with, Benny was completely unaware of it. But then, I forgot about it and put it out of mind after that when nothing too dramatic happened immediately after he takes the coffee.

Lifting Spirits, Chapter 5

“It’s fine.” Lex was embarrassed to hear that he’d taken on a rather squeaky tone.

Embarrassed… Embarrassed… Embarrassed…!

Yeeeees. It’s like I’ve waited 3 full fics and then some to see this man FINALLY be embarrassed. Feels good.

…Well this chapter certainly gets intense after that. :[

Now this second vomit scene is actually quite appropriately upsetting to read. OOF.

Lifting Spirits, Chapter 6

Bro just imagining that slowed-down music really IS super eerie, damn.

Lifting Spirits, Chapter 7

“Bobby Fulbright. I was under the impression that you were no longer allowed to be here.”

Gooood he STILL goes for the full titles all the time when “orienting” to the conversation, like he didn’t need to use any name at all here. I’m telling you, 1. This is his character trait, Lex and Phantom alike, and 2. It’s so Franziskan sdkjsdnkjsd.

Bobby sighed. It was like everyone around him realized his care for the Phantom was unwarranted. He himself realized it too, but that didn’t change anything. “I know. I’m just an idiot like that.” “Acknowledgment is the first step to recovery. Now take the next step and get out.” With that, Lex made to slide the headphones back over his ears.

UM rUDE xDDD

While the concept of him being aromantic had been cast into doubt ever since the surgery, he didn’t mean to dig much further into it. Unless he was somehow miraculously saved from execution, his sexuality didn’t matter. He would die just as he’d always lived; alone. The concept didn’t quite stop him from appreciating Benny’s handsome features, though. Or the way Benny kept smiling as if he wasn’t looking at a murderer.

Ohooooh my. Here we are! Precisely what connects back strongly to a lot of the stuff I discussed in my previous post but I couldn’t quite fit it in.

So like. I could very much see what was going on here. Mhm. Yes I did. We are getting implied Lex/Benny. And, confession time, but I MIGHT have stumbled across a post that heavily implied Lex/Benny back before I had ANY inkling of who Benny was… Back before Lex was Lex. So it meant absolutely nothing to me at the time, it simply DEEPLY confused me in the sense of “You’d think I’ve read far enough into the series and yet WHY can’t I make heads or tails of this post?” But, I quickly put it out of mind and temporarily forgot about it and was able to continue reading the text “blind”, but when Benny actually showed up… and Lex is Lex now… And Bobby’s all “He’s SINGLE 😉” I narrowed my eyes all like. Oh. Oh… There’s a certain way this could go. But I still thought “Hey. Maybe nothing will happen and neither of them will develop feelings, maybe it’s just like, a fun side-idea the author personally likes but didn’t put directly into the story- ohhhh and here it is hints on Lex’s side building up in the story. WELL THEN.”

It just felt like…

The author: [shipteases phantomquill, phantom/Athena (YES I KNOW THAT WAS A JOKE AND I AM INCLUDING IT ONLY AS A JOKE THAT WILL LENGTHEN THIS LIST), spyshipping, and even Freudian Phantombright (I AM ALSO INCLUDING THIS LAST ONE ONLY AS A JOKE)]

The author, after doing all of this: [whips out/ushers in their OC at the last minute to pair up with him]

Me:

DFJKSDLKSDKL

The above is a retooled version of a message I sent to my friend at the time – I hope the summary comes across as more of a comically condensed expression of frustration-at-the-time and not mean-spirited (mean-spirited is not what I want to be, I just exaggerate for comical effect is all, and I didn’t expect I’d be telling my feelings to the author directly ahhah..) But as already established? I was quite bitter over the now-you-see-it-now-you-don’t phantomquill, and so I was not particularly impressed at the time as a result… xDDD

I also just love how he, of all characters, seems to be the “launcher of a thousand ships” here… LOL

But of course, Benny is not technically an OC, is he? :P You can argue he’s merely an interpretation of a canon character from Dual Destinies – the courtroom sniper. Dskjdsjknsd

At the time it might have felt “ushered in”, but in reality, Benny has that connection to a “canon” character – the courtroom sniper – the further connection to ace attorney canon through being Shelly’s son, AAAND has already been very much intertwined in this series through “off-screen” references. He really is quite heavily grounded in the fic’s lore. And in Ace Attorney lore. Very, very clever and well-done. …Of course, I didn’t know any of this until the Reveal, so I remained unimpressed until then. Now post-reveal is a different story, and I came to intensely appreciate not only Benny as a character but also just how awesome the dynamic between Benny and Lex really is.

Shipping aside, you have the aroace business… I have actually previously come across a post on your blog where you stated you kinda felt bad for not keeping Lex aroace. I feel like this can easily get pretty thorny, and I want to kind of, as I stated in a previous post, analyse the text as an independent entity here – how I would judge/react to the text without any knowledge of or contact with the author or the context it was crafted in. Indeed, at the time of reading Lifting Spirits I didn’t have a clue what you may personally be or whether you were personally aro/ace or not and couldn’t make any assumptions either way.

There’s, I guess, two main ways to look at this… the phantom was effectively aroace and there was never any evidence suggesting otherwise. But with blocked emotions removed, it turns out the man is not aroace. You can treat “the phantom” and “Lex” as two separate entities in this regard.

But the phantom didn’t completely lack emotions. If Lex is not aroace… It stands to reason that EVEN IF there never was any evidence to suggest the phantom was anything but aroace, there was still the potential for small, limited amounts of evidence that he wasn’t to occur, even if such a thing did not happen to occur when he was the phantom. Which would make the phantom technically not aroace(?) but he simply never realised that. Hmm.

If there were a blanket consistency – if the phantom had experienced an extremely limited and probably outright warped sense of attraction or something like that – or if Lex was also aroace – then there wouldn’t be any “issue”. But as it is, it’s very easy to derive Unfortunate Implications from how it is set up, wherein the Emotionless Killer is aroace, but then he gets to experience proper emotions and becomes a “real person” who basically gets redeemed as that new person and all of a sudden… Only after becoming a “real” and “proper” human being he experiences attraction. It’s all too easy to feel like perhaps the message is that attraction is an integral part of the human experience – EVERYONE’S human experience.

And the flip that happens between the phantom and Lex in this realm further drove home what I perceived to be the massive distinction being made between the two and helped fuel much of my feelings surrounding what I discussed in the previous post. About how perhaps “the phantom” was being thrown under the bus to set up Lex as the good and better alternative. By treating them as two separate people, the connection is not TOO far away to feel as if the aroace aspect is attached to the phantom as part of what gets “thrown under the bus”, inherently attached to a villain seeing as it does not get carried over, inherently attached to emotionlessness – something necessary to be “cast aside” in order to fully complete a transition into a redeemable and “complete” human being.

I do know that none of this was your intent, and I sensed at the time of reading that it was not the author’s active intent as well, but not having enough background context at the time, I couldn’t entirely dismiss the possibility that perhaps it was a possible unintended predisposition bleeding through – nothing malicious in the least, mind you. But perhaps a subconscious assumption that every human being feels attraction and… idk. I wanted to believe the best of the work and the author but it was just, at the very least, an unintended implication that I could not entirely ignore. Being ace myself, it kinda stung, although I did keep that to a minimum until I could actually have more context.

I’m glad for being able to have access to additional context so that I can enjoy the work as it is to the best extent – if, for example, I did not have access to any information or additional context whatsoever about the author and the background under which the work was crafted in, I wouldn’t have been able to entirely shake the discomfort and it’s something small that would have continued to bug me long after I’d finished reading, if only for the fact that I would never have been able to know for sure if the writer was actually dismissing something like asexuality or not.

And Conflicted Thoughts/Feelings once again because, if we step back for a moment and look at this particular narrative thread as it exists in Lifting Spirits and its conclusion as a whole, I AM happy for Lex, it’s great that he gets to have a love interest, it’s a great ship, and the concept of the former phantom becoming attracted to someone and getting a crush is so so great…

What it ultimately comes down to, is that even if you can read Unfortunate Implications into the text regarding the aroace business, any such implications were not your intent. I much prefer reading a text in the most charitable way possible to enjoy it to the fullest possible extent, so that’s what I’ve ultimately done, given additional background info.

Lifting Spirits, Chapter 8

The complete role reversal of this chapter is so good… For months and months prior to ever beginning to read this series, I’d actually been working on a fanfic of my own, albeit for a different fandom. It also centres around inverted character dynamics and such as the central running theme to the extent that it’s even alluded to in the title… But this… The role reversal or transformation that Lifting Spirits centres around is so… It does it so damn well. Kind of makes me want to hold myself and my own fanfiction to a higher standard.

I had perhaps been a little bit suspicious of Benny prior to this chapter, but not much… And the end of the previous chapter had me VERY much like “OK… SOMETHING’S WRONG HERE… SOMETHING’S WRONG! WHAT IS THIS GUY’S DEAL?!” BUT omg this reveal

Lifting Spirits, Chapter 9

He’s the fourth heir to the lineage of De Killer, which means spilling blood is in his blood. It’s a shame, really, that he can’t stand the sight of it.

This chapter description is just so poetic. It’s like, the chapter description is not really separate from the fic itself – it’s just as artistically intertwined with the text. Absolutely GORGEOUS chapter description.

Oughhhhh Benny’s backstory and just. His whole character and the internal conflicts that he has and EVERYTHING is just so damn compelling WOW!

The glimpses into Benny’s past and home life are such a fascinating look into how vastly different his frame of references are… How very unique his perspective and positioning in the world is.

The Phantom… Benjamin had heard of this man, of course. An international spy. One who was so wanted that his father had been hired by at least five clients.

F-FIVE CLIENTS?! AT LEAST? LEGEND.

Okay this is quite interesting to think about too because I always figured that Shelly would only ever take on one client and have one target at a time, so that he could devote his full attention to the task at hand and uphold his end of the contract – his client has faith in him to do a job and to do a job well, so I figured a single-handed focus would be part of that. Under normal circumstances, this would present no issue. Why would it? Shelly’s very good at his job and tracking down an assigned individual target wouldn’t be too difficult. My impression is that a job would generally take maybe 2-3 weeks from the time of meeting with the client and the deed getting done, unless it’s exceptionally easy and the person in question gets taken out within the week.

But obviously the phantom presents a clear problem to that operational method. Shelly’s left with a target he has little to no leads on, no physical description, no name beyond the title, who could be anywhere and anyone. Job like that’s gonna take a little bit longer than three weeks. But Shelly is nothing if not a professional, and he’s more than happy to honour his client’s wishes if they want this guy dead, and he’s certainly not gonna give up or back down from the request…! I wonder if Shelly was in the habit of taking on multiple clients at the time or if he was forced to break from his standard method of operation, cause if he has no leads he has to wait until one turns up/keep searching indefinitely. And it kinda puts a huge damper on business to not accept any new clients for years on end. Maaaaan not being able to take the phantom out quickly & efficiently must’ve bugged the HELL out of him too. He’s made a commitment to his client, his (first) client is trusting him to take this guy out, and YEARS pass and STILL it hasn’t been done. Wonder what kind of dynamic that would have caused between Shelly and the first client.

I have no real doubt that Shelly actually had enough money to put business on hold for a few years if that’s what it meant to track down the phantom, if he wanted to. But it’s just not practical if he genuinely has 0 leads to go on for months on end, it makes more sense to be doing stuff in the meantime. PLUS, part of it would also be to ensure that the de Killer name does not fall into disuse and remains prominent in the minds of the public. To disappear for years only for calling cards to start showing up again… It just wouldn’t look particularly good for The Brand I suppose? The general public wouldn’t know the reason for the silence.

There’s not only that, but he accepts requests from multiple clients for the same target, hugely increasing his payout for a single job. I would have thought it’s possible that were someone to make a request that’s already been made, Shelly might be like “Ah, actually, you can’t select this particular individual”. And if years have passed with no success it begins to raise questions about the “ethics” of accepting further requests for the same person if part of the payment is being made in advance, which I’m sure it is. But then again – I’m sure there was no doubt in Shelly’s mind that he’d actually get him in the end. The length of time that passed didn’t matter. The job would be done, and he was never going to give up. He had multiple clients depending on him, after all.

I guess every time he got another Phantom request he’d sigh and internally be like “ADD THIS CLIENT TO THE LIST I SUPPOSE…”

Client: I want you to take out the phantom

Shelly, internally: Get in line

Dsjsdjh

Really though I’m very sure that the phantom’s difficulty to track down would have irked Shelly to no end. Not that he would necessarily let such sentiments show externally.

And while I’m speaking about this, I guess I will also address Benny being his son here as well. My reaction REALLY was “HIS FATHER??? HIS FATHER????”

I’ve never played DGS and I know there’s de Killer stuff going on in those game(s) and I don’t know if any light is shed in that series on how the lineage works – hm! It’s interesting to think about. One of the theories I’ve seen proposed is that the new de Killer establishes themselves as such by successfully taking out the previous de Killer – no familial relation. That has logistical issues of its own however but it was kind of the default idea that I’d gone with as I hadn’t really seen any others discussed.

Shelly’s unique job and his intense dedication to said job makes it very VERY hard for me to picture him not only establishing a relationship with someone but also fathering a child with someone… It’s quite hard for me to picture how it would work. How it would look in practice. And of course, in the Benny flashbacks, there is no mention of a mother. So I was a little bit like ????? on that front. And then you get the reveal practically at the VERY end of the fic that Benny is adopted, which makes plenty of sense. It is hard for me to picture Shelly as a father but I CAN see him adopting, caring for and raising an adopted child. A child that is to continue the proud de Killer heritage.

THE FACT THAT SOMEONE GOT MISTAKENLY SHOT BECAUSE THEY WERE ASSUMED TO BE THE PHANTOM BUT WEREN’T… OOF. Hope Shelly didn’t prematurely celebrate on that one. He might’ve already enlisted three clients wanting the phantom gone by that point and thought that he could FINALLY collect the rest of whatever money they owed him from them – that he could FINALLY reassure them that the guy was finally flippin’ DEAD. Perhaps only for the phantom to show up AGAIN some time later. (Shelly doing refunds? Dsjksdkj). Ok but on a serious note – I know he would’ve probably known it was not the phantom either immediately after/soon after the guy was shot. There’s things like No Mask and whatnot and probably the aftermath would have made it obvious it was the wrong person without the phantom needing to show up on Shelly’s radar once again. But OOF.

In March, a man had come to see Ben ‘Benny’ Volent, seeking counseling. A man who bore the name of Bobby Fulbright.

WHEN THIS REALISATION HIT ME… OH MY GOD? OH MY GOD? BOBBY FULBRIGHT HAD BEEN UNLOADING THE TRAUMA OF WHAT HE SAW… ONTO THE SON OF THE VICTIM! I CANNOT. THAT IS… NOT GOOD. Being so close to the murder victim can compromise the therapist’s ability to assist the patient at hand, so… conflict of interest! Benny had to sit there and listen to recounts that would have deepened his OWN pain. Bro I am SO sorry. WHAT a punch this was.

Agent Lang had mentioned a move to the federal prison right in front of Benny.

NO JOKE but back when that scene originally occurred I was just like “UMM should they REALLY be discussing this while the therapist is there?” Because I had found Benny to be a LITTLE bit potentially suspicious and. Hmm!

OKAY THE FUNNIEST PART – OR RATHER – THE MOST WACK PART OF THIS ENTIRE SITUATION IS JUST HOW MANY LEVELS OF “CROSSES THE LINE TWICE” IT IS.

Like. The realisations started pouring in for me, one after the other. First it was like “um, Benny counselling Bobby considering the circumstances is a conflict of interest that can potentially compromise his ability to remain objective and properly assist Bobby’s recovery”. THEN, hilariously enough, I was like “UM, IT IS HIGHLY UNPROFESSIONAL FOR BENNY TO ACT AS LEX’S THERAPIST – EXTREME CONFLICT OF INTEREST SEEING AS THE PHANTOM KILLED BENNY’S FATHER AND YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED PERSONAL BIASES TO GET IN THE WAY WITH HOW YOU SEE THE PATIENT”. This was coupled with how… awkward I found it earlier on for Bobby to even suggest, however jokingly, to Lex that Benny was single – how iffy it was for Lex to have developed feelings for Benny (cause if you got feelings for ur therapist that’s bad news for the therapy and Lex even seems to know this) or the possibility that perhaps it was on some level reciprocated, which would be highly unprofessional and further detrimental to the therapist-patient relationship.

BUT THEN I REALISED THIS WAS ALL MOOT AND COMPLETELY BLOWN OUT OF THE WATER ALL BY:

BENNY WAS TRYING TO KILL LEX THE WHOLE TIME ANYWAY.

So LITERALLY WHO CARES about conflict of interest or “professional conduct” here, I’M PRETTY SURE IT IS NOT IN THE LINE OF A THERAPIST’S WORK TO BE ACTIVELY TRYING TO KILL YOUR PATIENT.

And all I could do was laugh. This is the kind of crosses-the-line-twice funny, there’s just SUCH a cluster of professional breaches going on that it is OFF THE CHARTS and loops back around to being hilarious. You can’t even criticise ANYTHING specific about Benny’s conduct, there’s no point, because it is so BLATANTLY and obviously out of line, professionally and legally speaking, in its ENTIRETY. And then you realise his credentials were faked to begin with too, even though he’s genuinely studied the profession and is good at what he does. He’s walking around with faked qualifications ANYWAY.

Lex and Benny’s patient-therapist dynamic was stuffed to HIGH hell, inherently, far before it ever began. It was already compromised beyond belief. THE GUY’S QUALIFICATIONS AREN’T EVEN 100% LEGIT… >failed step one. It is SO wild and subsequently funny as a result. Benny got built up as such a good therapist too, and don’t get me wrong, he does seem to actually be good at what he does as I said. But then you go ahead and reveal all of this about him and it’s sooo… omg

Lifting Spirits, Chapter 10

Simon was about to turn away when he thought he saw it. Just for a fraction of a second. Were Alexander’s lips about to quirk into a victorious smirk? …No, that was ridiculous.

OOOHH MY GOOOOOD I HAD TOTALLY FORGOTTEN ABOUT THIS I SWEAR TO GOD………… I swear to god. Acting skills WAY too strong. He’s still got it. This man is way too powerful/skilled for his own good I swear to god.

Yes, he successfully got Benny to leave and he got out of the ordeal of being held at gunpoint unscathed. But he still had been terrified when going through that. Regardless of how things turned out it makes sense for Lex to be in shock and still be working out some of that fear. Because he HAD been genuinely terrified. And I wouldn’t be surprised if he is genuinely a little in shock during this scene but oh my god.. Because it makes sense for him to still be jittery and then I just. LEX. KINDA HATE THAT I MAYBE GOT A LITTLE WORRIED BECAUSE STILL BEING SHAKEN MAKES SENSE BUT ALSO CONFUSED AT THE EXTENT. On first and second readthrough.

Can’t really say too much else about this chapter right now it’s just sooo intense and riveting gosh.

For a split second, it seemed like Fulbright was so overcome with emotion he might try to pull Alexander into a hug as well. Luckily, Lang cleared his throat in such a loud manner that it was obvious he did so on purpose.

LANG HOW COULD YOU. “LUCKILY” MY FOOT.

Lifting Spirits, Chapter 11

His license was most likely a fake. Would any report compiled by him be worth a damn? And to think, Bobby Fulbright had spoken so highly of him.

WAIT I WAS ONLY JUST SAYING THIS EARLIER SDKSDKNS

Hey. I obviously knew this Mirage scene was coming this time around and yet it managed to somehow sneak up on me anyway. When I got up to it and read through it I just outright started crying. I did not cry on the first readthrough, I was completely dry-eyed. I GOT SUPER ATTACHED TO AND MORE EMOTIONAL OVER MIRAGE ON MY SECOND READTHROUGH OF THIS SERIES FOR A REASON.

Oh, something else that struck me on first readthrough about this scene was… The phantom always EASILY felt to me the far more “bad” person compared to Mirage. When compared to the phantom, Mirage always felt… well, it was easy for me to forget that she’s also done terrible things, that she’s also a criminal. She naturally just seemed like the waay better person – with SOME amount of a moral compass. So it was odd to suddenly have her being in the same room as Lex, no longer being contrasted against the phantom, but contrasted against Lex instead… Lex seems to actually have a much more proper moral compass compared to her now. He’s actually filled with remorse and regrets.

Mirage… still chose to kill people. She’s still herself, and that self is someone who didn’t have a bone sliver preventing her from understanding how much of a powerful impact death can have. It was odd… Lex knows internally how bad killing people is now. Mirage most likely still doesn’t really know… not only that, but… he would know that she doesn’t? I don’t know how to explain what I’m getting at here, but yeah.

Also:

“Why did you ask to see me?” he found himself asking. “…Why do you care?” She giggled, the sound of it rather strained. “Because we’re friends, you idiot.” “We’re not…-”

Me:

“You’d better pray the Phantom’s retrial leads to the death penalty. I’m being released next year, but I wouldn’t mind being tossed right back in here if it means I got to strangle Metis’s killer with these two hands.”

…N-NEXT YEAR?! BUT THAT’S… SO SOON… SOONER THAN I… THOUGHT… I FIGURED SHE HAD LIKE… MAYBE ANOTHER TWO YEARS LEFT… I DIDN’T REMEMBER HER SAYING IT’S NEXT YEAR.

[Thinks about this line and then Tracking Ghosts]

Oh my god… Can it PLEASE at least be the second half of the year I’m dying here… Like I KNEW she had to be released from prison eventually and. Yeah. I JUST THOUGHT WE HAD MORE TIME.

You know what’s funny? This line 100% didn’t faze me on first readthrough. Ahahaha. Why should it have? “You’d better pray the Phantom’s retrial leads to the death penalty” was, after all, my own train of thought at the time… HDHDFH. I was just kinda [nods] “at least someone around here’s got the right idea.” …AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

You completely missed me on the first go, but second time’s a charm. Ya got me. Ya got me with this line this time around. I am worried. :’)

#long post

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finefeatheredfriend · 5 years

Text

The Bodysnatchers!

This time on Eileen reads the EDAs we’ve got a thrilling and gorey adventure with Eight and Sam and some Zygons, brought to me by my laptop’s text to speech function cause I’m too distracted to focus on actual reading lol

I liked this book! It was a bit slow at first and it took me longer to really love the book than it did with Vampire Science, but the Victorian setting and some really brilliant lines won me over in the end haha! And we had Litefoot in this! And the Zygons (and some nice ones as well, what??), which for some reason I didn’t recognise on the cover, but I still got spoiled by myself because of my brilliant idea to use text to speech.

I was rooting for something to happen between Sam and Emmeline, but alas. There are some parts that I will interpret that way though, even though they were definitely not intended that way lol.

Still no naked Eight, so that’s a big minus.

I’m going to write down my reactions to all the EDAs in this series of reviews, and here are some of the highlights and my favourite quotes:

‘splendid, we’re where we’re supposed to be. I'm getting the hang of this.’ Doctor stop ahahsgahga

‘Leela is married, with children I believe’ I’m sorry what

what is it with me and shipping Sam with any woman she comes across hahah

(please let something happen between emmeline and sam)

'That didn't do much for your image, did it?' said a voice behind her, as though stealing her thoughts. Sam pushed herself up on to her elbows and looked round. The Doctor was just a few feet below her, leaning back against the wall with his hands behind his head, looking so relaxed she wanted to hit him. 'I missed my footing,' she said huffily. 'Several times,' said the Doctor, nodding.” Oh my god Doctor I love you ahahahahah

“Sam opened her mouth to protest, but the Doctor effectively plugged it with a jelly baby which he produced out of nowhere” that is such a Doctor thing to do ashafsgsfs

it’s so weird that the normal zygons are so soft (they have voices like songbirds????)

“bigger and nastier people than you have tried to suck my brains out before with no success whatsoever - well, not much anyway.” ... am I. am I really going to say it. am I really. ok no I won’t but seriously eileen get your mind out of the gutter ffs

I love how the doctor went ‘eeny meeny miny mo. hm. which one of these do i like the most? eeny!’ I love him

“That was a very uncool piece of headgear,' she said weakly. 'Not my style at all.' 'Oh, I don't know. I've got some rather fetching photographs. I thought we could blow them up and have them printed as T-shirts.” doCTOR (this is the kind of brother/sister dynamic that I love about these two)

Sam pretending not to know it’s a Zygon impersonating her just to say ‘who’s that gorgeous person?’ aaaah i love her

‘Is my nose really that big?’ ‘Only in certain lights’ DOCTOR NO

I was promised lots of naked eight in the EDAs and so far they have NOT delivered

AAAAAAAH SAM NOTICED EMMELINE’S BREASTS

‘Confusing emotions’ ‘jealousy’ aaaaah Sam I love you please be gay

“'That's assuming that the elastic band hasn't snapped of course.' 'Elastic band!' He grinned. 'I'm joking. It was one of those really thick ones. There's no way it would break.” I’m screaming I can’t stop laughing

‘My motto is never to get too attached to thing’ ‘does that include people’ oooooh (in clueless voice) that was way harsh Sam

‘nimble as a ballerina’ oh my god I love Eight and thank you for this hilarious image in my head omg

As usual (I’ve only done one of these before but still lol) this section is way longer than I expected haha!

And also as usual, you’ll find the unabridged version of my liveblog under the cut! (It’s technically just for me to be able to go back to so I can see how I reacted to reading this for the first time, but read it if you want to!)

I bolded my favourite quotes and reactions again! Enjoy ahaha

this one’s a bit slower

I mean in the way that I don’t absolutely love it from the first page on like I did with Vampire Science

but I love the Victorian era vibe it’s giving off

I can’t wait for Eight and Sam to show up though

oh that’s so the doctor - accidentally setting a book on fire ahahah

oh no it was an original printing of Sherlock Holmes aaaaa

oh I love it when companions get to dress up for trips

name dropping the BBC ahaha

AAAAH she’s in Nyssa’s room!!! I was wondering whose room it was when they mentioned that in Vampire Science! and obviously if it was Nyssa’s room then it’s also Tegan’s old room since they shared

I love Eight and Sam so much

“’How do you want to look?' asked the Doctor. 'I dunno. Cool. Confident.' 'You definitely look cool,' said the Doctor. 'In fact, you'll be one of the coolest people around.The 1890s equivalent of a... a Spice Girl.' 'I think I'd better take that as a compliment,’ said Sam carefully. 'Otherwise I might end up giving you a slap.’” omg

‘splendid, we’re where we’re supposed to be. I'm getting the hang of this.’ Doctor stop ahahsgahga

“'No, this is Earth all right. Smell that air.' Sam did so, almost choking on the sulphurous fog. 'Only London smells like this,' said the Doctor cheerfully. 'It has a certain... ethos. A certain bouquet.’” have I mentioned how much I love Eight

when Sam falls onto the Doctor and he hits his head and he goes 'what pretty fireworks, are they yours?” oh my god doctor I love you

Aaaaaah jago and litefoot!!!!!!

oh well or just litefoot but still!!!

‘Leela is married, with children I believe’ I’m sorry what

touch telepaths. time lords are touch telepaths. how did he get that information about the constable’s wife

first a house keeper called mrs hudson and now a revolting man called mr stoker looking hungrily at emmeline i see what you’re doing here

“Sam did as instructed (put her foot in the noose of the rope), and felt herself being hauled upwards at an alarming speed. It was as if there was not just the Doctor, but a ten-man tug-of-war team heaving on the other end.” wow the Doctor is STRONG

oh no it’s emmeline’s mum sitting in that armchair but she’s gonna be dead isn’t she

but the way emmeline describes the figure sitting there it sounds more like a man somehow

oh ok I was right it’s her dead mum

please don’t die please don’t die please don’t die I like you emmeline pleeeaase don’t die

why is Sam so jealous of emmeline :(

ok good, Sam likes her now and feels bad about thinking awful things about her that makes me happy

“’Great,' said Sam sardonically. 'I've always wanted to wallow knee-deep through -' 'Shh,' said the Doctor, holding a finger to his lips.” Oh my god anahahahahha (this reminds me of all the times they did this exact same thing with Lucie lol)

what is it with me and shipping Sam with any woman she comes across hahah

(please let something happen between emmeline and sam)

“She would rather die of curiosity than betray her ignorance and inexperience in front of Emmeline and the professor.” oh I love Sam

“As the more petty concerns of life began to filter back into her consciousness, she found herself hoping that Litefoot and Emmeline had seen little of her graceless descent. 'That didn't do much for your image, did it?' said a voice behind her, as though stealing her thoughts. Sam pushed herself up on to her elbows and looked round. The Doctor was just a few feet below her, leaning back against the wall with his hands behind his head, looking so relaxed she wanted to hit him. 'I missed my footing,' she said huffily. 'Several times,' said the Doctor, nodding.” Oh my god Doctor I love you ahahahahah

“Sam opened her mouth to protest, but the Doctor effectively plugged it with a jelly baby which he produced out of nowhere” that is such a Doctor thing to do ashafsgsfs

“Even though she bent her knees to cushion her body from the impact of landing, the unexpectedly short fall jarred her legs and caused her to lose her balance. However she managed to convert her momentum into a forward roll and sprang immediately to her feet in what she hoped looked a professional and athletic manner.” god I love how Sam always wants to look like she knows what she’s doing

BRAVE HEART TEGAN oh my heart

“The Doctor: ‘This has the effect of drawing out their fierce but latent aggressiveness and, supposedly, making them more single-minded in battle.' 'Stupid, you mean,' said Sam,'like most men.” Sam I love you. and this reminds me of that scene in the 50th where Liz 1 says something similar

can you believe zygons look like that because they’re sterilised and normally look ‘’’’dainty’’’’ and white and have smooth skin instead of suckers???

also I love how the doctor just spends soooo much time explaining every single little detail about zygons while they’re sitting not even that far away from three actual zygons they’re currently hiding from

oh no Emmeline is a zygon

I’d be more shocked if I hadn’t accidentally seen this while setting up the text to speech

“A trap,' said the Doctor with almost child-like wonder” I love him. How many times can I say that before it gets boring to see this in my reactions (i don’t care cause I’m going to say it as often as i like so that’s gonna be a LOT)

it’s so weird that the normal zygons are so soft (they have voices like songbirds????)

“You have no choice, human. Either you each enter a cubicle or you die.' 'Hang on, that means we do have a choice,' said Sam with a cheeky bravado that she didn't really feel.” me

“As Litefoot blundered along, he found himself thinking about the nature of the astonishing beings whose clutches he and his friends had fallen into. (...) Were they physically attracted to one another despite being genderless?” interesting your mind took you in that direction - thinking about alien sexuality..? okay

the Doctor is wearing a wet suit I repeat the doctor is wearing a wet suit someone help me

and he’s wearing goggles and flippers I can’t (it’s actually a face mask and not goggles but I don’t care I’m just going to imagine him wearing goggles)

ugh and when it said that the doctor was stripping down... I was expecting more of this scene. although I must admit that the image of the Doctor standing there in just his long johns before he puts on the wet suit was... a nice thought. (and he ‘expertly folded each item of clothing’ as if he had all the time in the world agxjagsgsg)

what the fuuuuuuck

that guy who witnessed his friend being killed by a zygon is ‘hacking away’ at a young man’s mouth because he made a joke at his expense omg

eeew now he’s got the youth’s tongue in his hand

I love how the doctor went ‘eeny meeny miny mo. hm. which one of these do i like the most? eeny!’ I love him

gaaah an Ace mention!!

double punch!! (how)

“What time is it?' she asked, her voice faint, rusty. 'Time to go,' replied the Doctor.” an icon

“Suddenly Tuval registered the Doctor's attire, and the Zygon's borrowed features creased in puzzlement. 'You have changed, Doctor.' The Doctor looked momentarily alarmed. 'Not again, surely?’” anxhkavdbz

Sam pretending not to know it’s a Zygon impersonating her just to say ‘who’s that gorgeous person?’ aaaah i love her

‘Is my nose really that big?’ ‘Only in certain lights’ DOCTOR NO

‘Sam, who was blushing wildly but trying to appear cool’ I love you Sam

oh and also - the doctor’s only wearing his long johns and that’s already a nice image but

I was promised lots of naked eight in the EDAs and so far they have NOT delivered

“Magnificent,' the Doctor murmured, examining the readings once the straining of the TARDIS's ancient engines had faded. 'When it comes to the crunch, the old girl never lets me down.' He flicked a couple of switches.” the Doctor really does love the Tardis noise ahsgsggahdgs

Oh no

Oh no Doctor

it’s ok you didn’t mean to kill them all

but oh god

I am so sorry

“The Doctor left Emmeline and Nathaniel Seers to the end. He awoke Emmeline first, greeting her with the charming smile and silken voice that Sam had observed him employ often in the past to get them out of awkward situations. She knew, not without a slight sense of superiority, that this kind of treatment would have caused most of her mates at Coal Hill to go weak at the knees.” I’m screaming but also same

“The simple choice is this: work together under my guidance or PERISH” doctor, a little bit less of the dramatic (i’m kidding pls keep doing this)

aw I thought emmeline was going to step forward to go first but then her father did

AH HE SAID NO AND NOW IT WAS EMMELINE AFTER ALL I LOVE HER

Jack choked on shit (that’s a twisted reference)

AW SAM let it out it’s okay to cry and show feelings sometimes!!!!!!!

I love her

AAAAAAAH SAM NOTICED EMMELINE’S BREAST

‘Confusing emotions’ ‘jealousy’ aaaaah Sam I love you please be gay

“You know, I've been far more conscientious since I regenerated. I even keep my room tidy sometimes.' 'Congratulations,' said Sam drily.” AhahahHhha

HE WAS SINGING A VENUSIAN LULLABY

‘My motto is never to get too attached to thing’ ‘does that include people’ oooooh (in clueless voice) that was way harsh Sam

‘nimble as a ballerina’ oh my god I love Eight and thank you for this hilarious image in my head omg

‘That other doctor, will you meet him on your travels?’ and the Doctor shudders and says ‘I sincerely hope not, once was enough’ ahsgdga tell that to then curator from the 50th lol

#the bodysnatchers #edas #eileen reads the edas #edas reviews #not for kitty #not for abbey #not for franzi

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clivtbartcn · 5 years

Note

Favourite iron man movies scenes? Favourite avengers movies scenes?

Well this will totally teach me for not checking my inbox, won’t it? Thanks for sending this, and I’m sorry it took me so long yikes

Iron Man

I love everything with Yinsen like A LOT. I love “Is this the last act of defiance of the great Tony Stark? Or are you going to do something about it?”I mean what a strong and incredible moment that totally defined Tony. I love that so much. Of course, Yinsen had a lot of amazing quotes too, like the immediately following “Then this is a very important week for you, isn’t it?” His sacrifice and telling Tony not to waste his life rips out my heart every time. I just really really love Ho Yinsen.

Naturally, the shot of Tony forging the first ever suit while THAT music plays is totally iconic and unforgettable and one of my favorite things ever.

Small thing, but I love Happy and Tony racing to the plane because that is soooo them. As well as Tony calling Rhodey platypus because ugh adorable.

I despise the Obediah scenes but also love them because I hate myself I guess?? He genuinely reminds me of my abusers and scares me shitless so I’m super uncomfortable when he’s on screen but I think it’s a little comforting to see a superhero deal with the same kind of person? I dunno.

Pepper pointing out that it’s different for Tony to date someone at work than it is for her because he’s Tony and a man and people will think she’s trying to sleep her way to the top. Girl spoke the truth

God everything with the bots. Dum-E and his fire extinguisher. Doll.

“Sometimes you gotta run before you can walk”

“I am Iron Man.” I C O N I C

I have a whole lot more in movie one alone so I am gonna cut myself off here to be totally honest.

Iron Man 2

Everything with Natasha. Bonus points if the scene includes Happy tbh. Also Tony and Nat literally have the tag of bros™ on my blog. I also, ofc, love everything with Rhodey bc come on.

tony’s process of buying the strawberries- I love that salesman so much. Also his ADHD with the thingy on Pepper’s desk.

Him figuring out how to save himself, and while I despise Howard being portrayed as anything besides what he is (post agent Carter at least) I even love his video. And I DEFINITELY love Tony finding and using Cap’s shield, and his whole exchange with Coulson and the earlier one with Fury.

Peter. Parker.

Again, I’m sure there’s more but this list is already SO long and let’s be real this one isn’t gonna have as many as the first Iron Man

Iron Man 3

EVERYTHING WITH RHODEY!!!! Rhodey is ON POINT in this movie, alright, like everything he does and every exchange is pure gold. I also love the stuff with Happy

Tony’s anxiety and PTSD. Look, I feel like a jerk for saying it but I love those scenes. I will never ever forget sitting in that theater and having just recently realized I have a legit problem with anxiety and seeing IRON MAN deal with the same thing and seeing it actually treated like a real issue. I still cry sometimes rewatching this movie. I love that at first Tony doesn’t know what to do with it and then just... accepts it. Like he never really looks at it like a mental illness is any different than a physical one and I adore that.

The bunny & badass Pepper

There’s more but I’m never gonna stop if I unleash

The Avengers

My second favorite MCU movie most likely.

God everything SteveTony. They are so extra in this movie yikes

This is easily Clint’s best movie in the MCU, and the one that first made me realize how awesome of a character he is. All of the ClintNat was fantastic and I will forever be mad at Whedon for backtracking that like it didn’t happen because RUDE

Coulson. Oh god Coulson

The whole team interaction. Honestly like... It was so great. I love how it set things up, which is probably why I love 2012 fics so much. It was just... The movie was magical and the fics taking place after are magical. The whole thing is pretty awesome and I just love the dynamics and how it gives you a vision of how things might grow between them all

“Put on the suit” God, Steve, armorkink much?

Pepper’s shorts at the beginning. Good god woman way to slap me in the face with how pan I am

Honestly just about the whole film. I really love the Avengers. I love my memories surrounding first seeing it, I love the team, I just really really love that movie. It is only second to Iron Man

Age of Ultron

Not a good movie, but some very good scenes IMO

The WHOLE party. The thing with the hammer and how Steve was obviously not trying and how Tony and Rhodey worked together and bantered. Of course also the look Steve gave Tony because gee. Also Thor and Tony debating about Pepper and Jane

Steve and Tony and the log cutting

Tony’s vision and then talking to Fury about it and uggghhh pain my poor baby

Also the end with Tony and Steve and Thor. And then Steve and “I will miss you Tony”

I am totally missing one or two things but??? Eh, most just the random team interaction

Whew okay I’m gonna let Infinity War and Endgame be separate bc honestly listing Endgame alone will be a novel basically. I love A LOT of scenes. Feel free to ask if you want though! This was super fun even though I missed a ton!

#answered #im #im2 #im3 #ta #aou #mcu #eobardwellscavanagh

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considergoldenkamuy · 6 years

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You have no idea how happy I am seeing bleach in your list of fandoms 😍😍😍 I LOVE you content so much! Can I get a scenario for my boi Hisagi realizing his feelings for his bff/reader after SOOOO many years? ❤ slides lots of cookies,,,,, boi deserves much fluff and love~

i’m so glad you like my stuff! my feeble heart, hisagi is a good child ,,, i love him ,,,,, so much ,, i hope i didn’t fuck this up oops ,,,

That Zanpakuto never had a proper name, Shuuhei of all people would know this. But even as one of the most renowned Zanpakuto fit for the position of vanguard in any battle, it didn’t have a Bankai, and couldn’t return from its “false Shikai” - the state it had entered on its own, giving itself a name - Holy Breath. It was stubborn - it refused to be stationary, it refused to be still. Its owner, his oldest and dearest friend, was a bit despaired because of this.

You had nearly no control over your own Zanpakuto, and that wouldn’t be a problem if it weren’t for the fact that you and your weapon didn’t exactly get along. If wielded in a way it didn’t like, your Zanpakuto refused to act. It wouldn’t reflect damage, it wouldn’t influence morale, it wouldn’t restore stamina. Because of this, you often spent your time in the First Division quarters, only ever mobilizing during large-scale catastrophes and Hollow-terminating assignments.

Shuuhei had known you for as long as he could remember - from that first memory of waking up to you staring down at him under a plum tree, to today, leaving on another mission in the World of the Living. That day, his eyes had met another pair that bored so deeply into his own with nothing but innocent curiosity. He let out a yelp of surprise, backing away, only to hit his head on the trunk and he cradled his head with a few groans of pain.

A bright laugh brought him back, though, pausing before looking up at the stranger again, who looked a bit older than himself. But then again, who could really tell with the irregular aging patterns? “Are you okay, kid?”

“Don’t call me kid, you’re barely older than I am,” he muttered. “Yeah, I’m fine. Who are you?”

You had told him your name with such a casual and friendly tone. “Sorry about the surprise, you probably don’t remember what happened. A Hollow passed through, it had some weird poison gas it breathed out. I couldn’t fight it since I’d breathed in a bit of gas myself, so…”

You trailed off, a sudden tightness in your jaw, happy eyes darkening. Shuuhei could fill in the rest, and he felt an immense sadness overcome him, realizing what this person had just gone through.

“Well, either way, I managed to get you out before the gas killed you. I went back and cut its mask off, it’s dead now.” You looked over your shoulder again, before turning back to him. “Good to know you’re okay, though. I’ll be going now.”

You stood up and for the first time, he caught a glimpse of your gauntlet, silver in sheening metal from your hand to your elbow. It was terrifying at first, Shuuhei was willing to admit. The sharp claws could strike fear in the coldest of hearts, and yet the gauntlet looked so elegant, like it was alive.

Before Shuuhei could say anything else, you had already taken off. That was a fond memory of his, and all those other times he’d run into you by sheer chance. All those times he’d run into you by sheer chance, that always ended with someone at someone else’s house, laughing and talking animatedly. That gauntlet was always with you, but you could never bring yourself to attack with it.

Even the day the First Division you’d eventually join dragged you off for having a Zanpakuto, you didn’t resist. Even as he screamed for you, even as he cried, so scared, so, so scared for his best friend, all you did was smile at him reassuringly.

I’ll be fine.

Shuuhei didn’t see you again until he joined the academy, when you were walking through the halls with your Shinigami robes billowing behind you. He could’ve sworn his heart stopped for a second when you brushed by him, so absorbed in thought. Was that really you? But then again, there was no way he could possibly mistake those sharp and deadly claws that he’d grown to know couldn’t possibly hurt him.

He’d whirled around the same time you had, both your eyes blown so wide. You softly called his name, him calling yours. You beamed as he ran to you, holding your arms wide before feeling him ram into you, embracing you so tightly, as if you’d disappear on him again if he let you go. You felt tears land on your head, but you knew from the way your vision blurred and your nose grew warm that you weren’t doing any better. You smiled brightly, so brightly that day. You were lucky the hallway had been empty, otherwise that dramatic reunion would have been impossible to live down.

And even then, when you clutched onto his shirt so tightly, your sharp fingers still didn’t as much as scratch his uniform. You were the eleventh seat of the First Division, you’d told him. You’d apologized for not going to visit him, you’d apologized for not trying to find him.

Shuuhei had just smiled.

I’m just glad you’re okay.

He didn’t see the way your cheeks flushed a bit, another laugh leaving you. You sought him out daily after that, going to the academy to visit when you weren’t busy. He didn’t know he could feel so happy just to be at someone’s side. When Shuuhei told you he’d been admitted into the Thirteen Court Guard Squads in the Ninth Division, you had congratulated him and just spent the rest of the day wandering about with hi, not doing anything in particular.

Even with the shame in his heart he held, always being too scared to as much as draw Kazeshini from its scabbard, you still accepted him with another snort, telling him that it didn’t really matter. As long as he didn’t change for the worse, you didn’t care. He felt more comfortable going on missions with you after that.

Even with your positions in different Divisions, the brass were quick to pick up on your friendship, sending you two off together, knowing that it was almost always guaranteed to be a successful endeavor if they did this. Kensei continued this tradition. Thusly, you were able to spend more time with him.

Without your Zanpakuto dealing damage on its own, you always had to resort to martial arts. You excelled, though, and your peers always jokingly mentioned you should request being transferred into the Second Division.

You had always been the kind one, the understanding one, the wise one. You were the one who gave advice to those who were troubled, and as a result many admired and appreciated you. With your Zanpakuto occasionally deciding to comply with you, influencing the physical and mental states of those around you, you had nothing to really anger you.

It was that day that you had been wounded badly, almost killed, pushing Shuuhei out of the way of what would have been a fatal blow. Blood spewed everywhere and you choked out more irony crimson, eyes squeezing shut to try and shut out the pain. Again, he called out your name. He called out your name in that same way he had the day you had first been taken away from him. You had fallen, almost bleeding out as he shook you desperately, trying to deny your state of likely-to-die-soon.

A sudden feeling of emptiness filled him, solitude - loneliness when he swore your heart stopped beating. He’d lost so much, and now he’d lost his best friend, his dearest friend, his oldest friend. Shuuhei had cried, hot tears streaking down his face as he tried to breathe properly. When the Hollow stepped forward again, readying to attack, he was more than ready to accept death. He’d only uttered a single word.

Please.

That was all it took for your eyes to snap open, a sudden burst of Spiritual Energy forcing him further downwards, but he soon found himself and himself relieved of it alone when you sat up slowly. He couldn’t even get out a single sound before you stood, holding your arm out.

He blinked.

That wasn’t a gauntlet, was it?

Both your arms seemed to have become one with the armor, holding that metal sheen on their skin, as if they were made up of it now. Your entire upper body save your neck upwards seemed to have turned to silver, the rips and tears in your Shinigami uniform enough to tell him that. The glowing form of wings hovered behind you, perfectly still and yet so alive.

But all Shuuhei could do was shudder when that Hollow was suddenly hacked into pieces, the injuries from your own body reflected on its form before it fell, dying slowly.

Bankai. Sacred Breath of Purity: Repent.

All was silent, a heavy and tense air smothering him as you stood there, unmoving, before you finally turned around, your gaze having turned golden.

“Shuu…hei…” your voice was hoarse and quiet, beginning to slowly limp towards him as he scrambled to stand up, worry and panic filling him with more than he ever thought he could be filled. He managed to reach you just in time before you collapsed, breathing heavily and slowly. Your eyes looked so dull and distant, but there was a certain glimmer of relief and closure when your stare locked with his.

Wordlessly, you remained in Shuuhei’s arms as he lowered himself to the ground. You leaned your head on his shoulder, your back against his chest and body seated between his legs as your Bankai faded away, leaving you back in your torn robes. He had naught the strength to get back to Soul Society in that moment, much less carry you with him. You both would rest for now. He felt your breath fan over his skin and he felt goosebumps form, already-muddled thoughts becoming more scattered.

“You’re such an idiot!” He shouted, angry and desperate. “You should have just let me take the hit! You could have died!”

“I don’t care,” you murmured, hushed and tired.

“Wha - ?!”

“It looks like my Zanpakuto and I finally agreed on something,” you interrupted, as if you hadn’t heard him about to fire more questions at you. A beat of silence passed before you smiled up at him, with that same child-like joy and innocence you had the first time you’d smiled at him. You weakly reached a hand out and appreciatively caressed his cheek and jaw. His breath caught in his throat, eyes widening, feeling heat rush to his face as you spoke words he wasn’t sure whether or not he really wanted to hear.

I’d give up everything if it meant you living on to see tomorrow.

Shuuhei’s fingers trailed upwards before reaching your face, tracing gently over whatever he could reach without his sore muscles protesting violently. He felt a sudden urge to just close that distance he’d been so tense in for so long. And so he indulged. He didn’t know what it was that motivated him to lean forward, pulling you a bit closer, but you didn’t lean back or push him away.

It was slow, but it told him so much. It told him of all the things he didn’t know, of the things he didn’t realize. He loved you as someone more than his oldest friend, his dearest friend, his closest friend. The way you pulled him impossibly closer was enough to tell him you felt the same.

So much happened in that first kiss.

It was far from the last.

#hisagi shuuhei #hisagi shuuhei imagines #hisagi shuuhei scenarios #bleach #bleach imagines #bleach scenarios

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