#SHIT its monday happy monday!
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inspired by that vine, u know the one
#happy bakugou memes monday#bakugou katsuki#boku no hero academia#my hero academia#bnha fanart#mha fanart#izuku midoriya#eijirou kirishima#mha comic#mha memes#idk why but when i wanna draw stupid shit its always them (kiribaku that is)#sappy/romantic stuff? tddk all the way -dumb shit and gay jokes? krbk .... To Me#this actually came from an elaborate bit on my trans baku hc- basically- 'baku post bottom surgery be like'#olly art#krbk#bnha#the version of bnha that lives in my head
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a compilation of sillie notebook doodles... i think drawing without giving a shit is very refreshing...
#persona 3#minato arisato#ryoji mochizuki#splatoon#minatoast#ghost trick is also there and so is a sth crossover also vintage coroika ALSO PIKACHU!!!#lizzy does art#posting for archival purposes bc sometimes i dump tradi doodles on my instagram story for shits and giggles... and i thought-#that people here might want to see them even if they kinda bad#happy mochizuki monday??? there's ryoji here FKDLHFDH#maybe i might make “cleaner” versions of the stuff drawn here but there is smthn very endearing about drwaing as fast as u can.#even if its sillie. i only started doing these bc i had a very long wait time for an appointment and i was like#well i have a pen and also a brain SOO#turns out its very fun!!!! highly recommend. even if u think it look like shite art is always worth creating bc ur doing it me thinks#this is how ive been staying sane. even though it is not 'complete' who cares? i laughed. i cried. thats beauty of creation
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Tw for mentions of suicide 😔👊 (I'm not gonna kms, actually the opposite)
Two year anniversary of my almost attempt
Because life didn't end at 15
Sometimes I wonder if my experience even counts seeing that it was an almost attempt.
But it was real, it does count
Two years ago today I sat at the edge of my bed, with pills in one hand and water in the other. I remember I was crying and shaking so bad, then, I just left them to the side and watched amphibia's final.
I kept thinking about doing it again, but I kept finding excuses, oh I can't today I have scouts tomorrow, oh not today cuz tomorrow I'm hanging with friends. Then slowly, life went by.
I didn't process it, I don't think I have yet, but it happened, I still cry when I talk about it. Most people don't know, my parents don't know, my sister and friends forgot about it, and sometimes I also do.
Life kept going, I went to the camp I was preparing so hard for, I celebrated my birthday, I celebrated Christmas, I stared at the sky in new year's eve trying to hold back tears because I genuinely couldn't believe I was there to witness it.
And eventually the voices got quieter, they weren't telling me to end my life, they never did again, it's a thought that never crossed my head in such a serious way again. I don't think most people think I actually mean it when I tell them my story.
But I'm so glad that today I'm the one sitting down with a candle to celebrate something as stupid as a two year anniversary of me not doing it instead of my parents and friends sitting down at my grave for the two year anniversary of me doing it.
#this is why i got the feels on monday#CUZ I THOUGHT IT WAS 14TH BUT APPARENTLY IT WAS 13TH 🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍🧍#anywoos#im so glad that im still here#most of the time i just forget this shit happened#and then i randomly get hit with ✨the feels✨#its specially strong whenever i see some landscape or a bonfire#life its just filled with little moments#and im so happy im still here to appreciate em#if you're reading this remember you're strong and you're valid and im proud of you for getting this far
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i think i finally realized why ive been feeling so damn depressed lately again
sorry for writing this here. im really hurting actually. im not good. i feel a bit helpless too. idk who to talk to bc i dont want to burden anyons and i donf feel like anything could console me right now
Like. fuck me man. thanks for saving me but. why the hell are you not here. i dont want to do this without you. i hate only being able to remember you. i was supposed to grow old with you, not without you.
And. honestly. even with all this bullshit i say here, all the endless times i spend trying to write down my feelings, abt you, about all the pain ive felt my life, it doesnt get better. not at all. and no words, no poetry takes it away and i truly feel like nobody will ever truly understand how suffocated i felt all my life.
and i want to change thanks to you but. i dont know. nothing's satisfying enough.
no matter what, i truly only feel great when im in that daydream like world you created.
and these past days ive been thinking a lot that. i really wouldnt mind dying right now. not at all. because at least i know what happiness feels like. and i want to stay in that state. probably, even in this life your music will bring me happiness, but i want to be trapped in it.
im tired of being so unseen, and even when im seen, im hurting. but i dont know whats hurting. i think im just really tired thats all.
and. ye. i feel brave tbh. i still havent posted my video to instagram, bc im not brave for that. i dont know. and i feel like a hypocrite bc everything is true that i wrote there but at the same time these are my thoughts currently
in a long while i looked up suicide methods again. i feel so hopeful, but im not really sure if really for the future. jm sorry this is probably alarming. i will probably not kill myself but. idk. im not sure actually. i dknt know what to say. i wasnt cut out for this wordly shit.i feel unlovable but even if im loved, i donf want to be. i dont want anything. just let me stsy in this quiet place snd just. disappear. i wouldnt want my family to hurt if i die but i wont know about it anyways. idk man. i feel strongly i could die calmly this time and thats nice. bc 6 years ago i was terrified, and hurt. but now im content and kind of ready idk man. its not a terrible feeling, its a "this is it, it was nice while it lasted" ig.
there are no clouds in my head actually. i truly dont feel like im thinking irrationally, i feel like this would just be like. the end goal i was looking for. to feel true love once. it was nice.
no goodbye yet bc idk how id kms even if i do. But ill tell u guys if i found something.
#you know it's funny#i still feel this way but the moment i wrote this#on tiktok one of my friends that was there for most of my times followed my secret tiktok account and#the friend that i lost last year checked my account and#i hope she fucking knows how much that means to me#because i always felt like she hstes me but i still deeply feel she cares abf me and silently looks out for me and i feel so sorry#bc in the past 4 days she has checked my account multiple times and idk man#i truly feel like she sees that im struggling i appreciate it a lot#but i could never tell her that because what if im wrong and also#i dont fit in that friendship anymore#but im still really greatful#for checking up on me even like this#*most of my life#noticed a typo#idk anyways i just really needed to scream this into the void. I didn't want to be so sad today. i just scrolled instagram to numb myself#all day. but i got off my phone it was terrible. idk. i feel im not sure i can get my shit together by monday#im sick of having to fall apart and build myself up every fucking day man. and each day i literally wake up telling myself affirmations#trying to convince myself that its oka#it will be okay at least when u are home at night. wait for that moment everyday but. im tired of waiting for night to be happy man.#i have 30 mins to either post that fuckin video and make a fool of myself bc i told myself i need to post it on the 19th. but idk man. Im#terrified it will only disappoint me. people will make fun of me. idk man. its not that funny is it. or is it? how pathetic i am for clingi#g to the only hope in my life like a fucking abandoned dog man. but what can i do. i dont want to depend on you so much. but then who shoul#i depend on? if i depend on myself im just gonna kill myself man.idk. my grief is getting worse day by day. i still practice guitar everyda#hoping that maybe you will come back or something will come back. maybe mywill to live will come back? maybe the Instrument will play a not#that I can depend on? i dont really know what im looking for thats the worst. living is uncomfortable and dark. even when im smiling with m#friends i feel lost.there's something i feel like they know and i dont. when they could name their favorite colors in kindergarten i alread#knew something was different abt me.its really isolating.not having a clue of who am i.i keep saying im finding myself more and more but tb#i still in a way like im always wearing a costume. i wonder how naked id have to be to find myself. sorry for word vomitting.it maybe helps#anyways acchan i miss you.this world feels really stale without you.i wish I could truly show how much I love you with my words or life but#i dont really think it makes a difference.my voice really doesnt matter that much in the end.maybe im too much
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🐰🧡🐻
#in stark contrast to most of my personal posts this is about me being happy and gay#because i need to just get it out my system bc otherwise i am just going to grab a friend by the shoulders and scream (in joy) in their face#i am dating someone and its really really nice and sweet and cute and like nothing ive ever experienced before#and instead its like every tiny little dream about this kind of thing ive managed to hold onto despite every experience otherwise and ahhhh#the lack of focus on just sex or sex appeal is so nice its like there but as a side thing so its nice and i dont feel like an object#i feel like a human person with thoughts and feelings and interests outside if that and feel safe in that and feel safe that everything wont#just be discarded if i dont want to do that like i feel like boundaries and stuff are an option! without jeopardising everything#and el likes me as much as i like them and wants and sees and communicates that they want something long term and ahhhhhhhh#i just want to cry like holy shit this is everything ive ever wondered about like i have spent so long wondering what this feeling would#actually feel like and its so good and so indescribable and ahhhhhhh#waking up on monday night and seeing them in my bed and cuddling me was just so nice i felt wanted i felt... loved#this all seems so out of left field still i still feel like i just never saw it coming but its so welxome and nice and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#my pessimism is still there but its less loud now its more learning to accept this may not be perfect forever but letting me enjoy the now#crouch speaks#it feels so nice to not be scared and to feel secure and ahhh#also it made me laugh El remembered me hitting on then at the Dgoals release show making them blush lol#i only remember the time i hit on them later at the groles show so its funny i pretty much used the same line twice and it still worked#i cant wait to see them again i cant wait to hold hands in public again i cant wait to be idiots who keep blushing too hard and accidentally#kissing eachother on the nose instead of the mouth because we are stupid and gay and pathetic about it hahaha#just ahhhh i could gush forever how perfect the 2!!! dates weve been on were and the fact they want more and more and ahhhhh#this is so lame i know i just haven't experienced anything remotely like this before and its just... wild#like wow holy shit what on earth i have been so increasingly miserablely depressed and insecure from the shea stuff last year and then this#just absolutely removed all of that i actually feel like a human person again with value
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took a shower and feel a Little better but. still feel Restless..
#i need to text my new supervisor and ask what to wear for wednesday but. i just dont wanna <3#ITS JUST A TEXT NOT EVEN A CALL. LIKE JUST DO IT..#anyway. happy monday. i need to Do Something but i dont wanna go out on the shit roads asnd single digits temp <3#:(#talk tag
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#okay so first: I will be fine. ive dealt with this exact bullshit for 20 years. i will be fine.#however i want my fucking supplements back#im so tired of having to wade through seventeen layers of 'no one cares about me. no one needs me.'#routinely. every month. i feel good or okay for one week.#and then i get a free trial of depression complete with suicidal ideation.#im sick of this shit. i want to look forward to my future. i want to let myself feel like#my friends care for me. im so tired of being broken like this.#convinced that i am replaceable. that if i disappeared no one would notice.#and it gets worse when that week of depression comes along.#i miss my fucking pms supplements. i had two years of feeling good and normal#every day when i was taking them#im sick of this#closing is on monday. i should be happy.#but no mother of all moodswings be upon ye because the dysphoria its self wasnt ENOUGH I GUESS.#I hate it here.
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sitting in silence in my car a block from the gym bc I'm so overstimulated from work and I can't deal with sweaty people and ugly grunts rn
#i cant even feel happy it's the weekend bc i know its gonna be the same shit on monday#at times like this im reminded why i wanted to make the leap#let's hope the next practice im joining isn't as bad as this one#chrmz.txt
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#had a bad rsd dream last night#and now i cant shake the feeling that ppl i care abt are talking shit abt me#even tho logically i know theyre not?? bc we are adults n the kind of bullying i dealt w in middle n high school where ppl would pretend to#like me just to make fun of me in private isnt the kind of thing grown folk do#its just hard :/#anyway !!#happy monday i want to go home lol
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Just sending a big thanks for all the stuff you’ve wrote lately! Appreciate it papi
Thank you thank you :) This town officially fully opens back up tomorrow and I have some pretty big script deliveries that I've been putting off until "the new year". Well, then new year came and I haven't done shit so I might have to disappear for a while lol. But, we'll see...
#last week i had producers and reps asking me about if i read the notes the studio sent in december and i was like#'LA LA LA LA LA LA LA IM STILL ON VACATION TIL MONDAY LA LA LA'#tomorrow is monday and im not happy about it -_-#listen i love my job but dealing with stupid notes from stupid execs stucks the joy out of it#writing for money and writing shit like aus for fun is such a different experience now lol#im in full control of the writing i do for fun and dont have to cater to anyone's dumb opinions its refreshing#the amount of people in this industry who truly have zero taste is...shocking#they take a solid script/show/movie and turn it into dogshit#rants#anonymous#answers
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Gotta love waking up wondering if I have the energy and mental strength to make it through this f1 season and wanting to cry, wondering why I'm being so dramatic about rich people driving cars when there are other cars, only to realise my period started.
#worst way to start the day#0/10#and on a fucking monday#happy race week friends#honestly though i need to get over the weird self imposed block i have on posting about a driveri like#just because some moots dont like him#i do not like how my brain works#its just some dude#and i tag shit so its not like they couldnt ignore it if they truly hate him that much#anyway im gonna go outside and hope my brain gets its shit together#tw period talk#tw periods
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what is the fucking point of google calender not transferring all my past events and entries from my old phone to my new phone when the entire reason I used google calender was because of the backup and sync function. are you telling me all those entries and notes I wrote on calendar before Oct 2022 are just gone now? im kms
#this isnot fair#and its 3am rn#feeling like shit fr#miserable#literally what is the point#and idc if its synced onto my laptop#i need it on my phone#youre telling me my brand new Google phone was unable to transfer old events from a google calender? I'm killing myself#sorry but I'm not happy rn:(#this is my last straw this week#and its only monday#depression week it is#whatever#em talks
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coworker was playing neutral milk hotel so I texted my friend "neutral milk hotel Monday" and he just said ? And I was like whats not clicking. oh shit. it is Wednesday my dude.
#personal#happy neutral milk hotel monday oh shit it's Wednesday#hes like idk which is more concerning you thinking its monday or me believing you hajdjdjdj#i wfh yesterday so my days got all fucky
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IVE SAID IT BEFORE AND I WILL SAY IT AGAIN THE SINGULAR FORM OF SHEEP SHOULD BE SHOUPE
#just my life#drunk and thinking about words and how sheep should be plural and shoupe should be singular#goose get geese. it makes sense#moose can just be called moose even when plural bc its powerful and has weight to it and moose are powerful fucking animals with a lot#of weight to em#deer too#sheep??? fuck you. its a shoupe#or shoop. whichever you prefer. but it cant be sheep(singular)#im not even gunna say the babies shouldnt be called lambs. they can keep it. no ‘shooplings’ here#but singular sheep? thats a shoupe#im 3 swigs of gin and a glass of wine in this week has been shit despite having monday off#sometimes i genuienly forget its not ‘shoupe’#delete later#maybe#probably not ill probably either forget about this or stick to my guns because IVE SAID IT BEFORE#idk happy friday everyone#i just think id be happier with ‘shoupe’ being a part of my vernacular versus having ‘sheep’ in there twice#try saying it out loud. try telling me it doesnt make you smile#i will literally die on this hill
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//SWEET LOVES!!!! HIIII!!! How's everyone doing?
I finished work at 6am and I was in such a GOOD mood. and totally awake too. so I got some breakfast and vibed until like 9:30am lmfao then I finally went to sleep and got a couple hours, woke up, did some stuff, then slept a bit more, oops. now I am awake and mostly energized, though I'm sore as shit from last night. jamie wants me to help him with some chores (-_-) so I'm gonna be doing that BUT I AM HERE and ready to work on stuff. I missed writing last night and have all this muse that's just ready to go!!!!!//
#its a monday but it doesnt have stinky monday energy to me#I am a happy duck despite the aches in my body#my tooth ache is improving too which is ACESSSS cuzz tooth shit really scares me okay#I hope you guys are doing well too <333#ily#laughing my anxiety off {ooc}
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Eulogy
#soap spoilers#okay so now my aunt who was gonna write the eulogy backed out because shes 'sick'#99 degree fever#anyway they asked me to write it but i cant#like im not the person to write it for my father#i have no good memories of him i tried thinking of some on monday when it was pretty clear he was gonna die#but i couldnt#i really couldnt#all i ciuld think of was when he got cps called on us because my broyher said he hit him but it was a secret#or how he yelled at me for falling off the sea wall and thats how he showed he cared#or how he snapped his phone in half because he wanted a new one and thought my mom would get him one if he did that#i have no good memories eith this man#if i push and pull i can manipulate memories into at least okay memories#i can say one time (when i was 16) he asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up (he was drunk one weekend)#and we talked about science and how he wanted to do that but then life took a different course#but theres so much pruning their its deceptive and for what?#ive been hurt so much vy him#i dont have stories about how he walked through a blizzard to be with my mom or whatever#i literally dont have happy memories so im not the person to write a eulogy i cant im not the right person#he did so much fucked shit to me and wasbt there for me in so many ways thst i cant even. pretend to have good memories#maybe yhey happened maybe i was there for skme of the good times but i dont remember so it doesnt feel like thats true you know#apparently at one point he was getting treatment and was doing good but i was too young to remember#my sister maybe does so you know she at lesst got a dad thatvwas better#but i cant pretend im not bitter and jealous abd mad avout what I never got how he bever apologized or changed how it didnt feellikehecared#so no im not the person to write a eulogy for him so dont try to make me it wont go well all that will happen is i will get mad abd cry#so lets not and say we did or whatever
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