#just be discarded if i dont want to do that like i feel like boundaries and stuff are an option! without jeopardising everything

[carrotpiss]

🐰🧡🐻

[ppnuggiex]

HII ur aesthetic is just so pretty and the way you write is so shekehsjjdkd fell in love when I read the first sentence, I'm not even joking😕

BUT ANYWAYY could I req diasomnia, heartslabyul, and/or octavinelle with a gn!reader who has a habit of squishing peoples cheeks whenever they hold eye contact 4 too long? /*flutters eyelashes cutely*/

THANKYOU PO IF YOY ACTUALLY DO THIS HOPE U DONT DROWN IN REQS OR SMTH HAVE A GREAT DAY MWAMWAA also i don't even know which characters are good with this kinda prompt so honestly im dependin on u 2 choose whoevee u want 🙇‍♀️ bye sissymars 🥺🥺🤭🤭🤗🤗

　　　　　　TWST x gn reader

　　　　『　malleus ,, sebek ,, riddle ,, cater ,, floyd ,, gender neutral reader    』

　　-> reader who squishes cheeks when ppl stare too much

　　— fluff ,, sfw ,, crack

　　— TYSM 😭♥️♥️ this made my day omg ,, so glad you like my writing ,, i kinda did a few from each dorm you asked for except for octavinelle bc character limit is 5 for me 😭💔 but youre more than welcome to request for others ! :D hope you enjoy this 🙏❤️

    - malleus

| • he usually doesnt mean to stare for too long ,, always knowing it was rude and how it feels to be stared at by others

| • though he was focused on talking about the gargoyles at the gates and hadnt tore his gaze away for a moment

| • he shut up immediately the moment you reached out and squished his cheeks ,, eyes wide in astonishment

| • how fearless you are ,, child of man

| • he does ask about it ,, wondering what the reason was for ,, and when he learns why he apologizes and promises not to do it again

    - sebek

| • bro was on another rant abt his master ,, how courageous and how kind he is for putting up with these stupid humans everyday

| • oh how he adored his master ,, how pure and wonderful he was

| • it got to the point he was shaking your shoulders and making direct ,, intense ,, eye contact

| • annoyed with how long he was staring ,, you reached up and squeezed his cheeks

| • he jumps back ,, so confused and offended

| • why would you do that !?? explain now human !!

| • he huffs and puffs about the reasoning ,, but listens and respects your boundaries

    - riddle

| • he was probably ranting about another reckless first year making a mess of the kitchen or some students ignoring the queen’s rules

| • he didnt mean to stare for too long ,, most likely already knowing about how you get about it

| • when you squish his cheeks ,, he may or may not have let out an embarrassing squeak

| • he’ll puff his cheeks and apologize ,, telling you not to talk abt the squeak to anyone

| • his face is so red by the end ,, embarrassed he let himself stare too long and let out a squeak

    - cater

| • knowing how observant he is ,, he’d know about it immediately when he sees you do it to ace and deuce

| • he’ll be quick to discard his eyes when he realizes hes been looking too long

| • though he sort of stared a little too long once ,, trying to take a selfie with you

| • when you squish his cheeks outta nowhere ,, he’ll jump back a little and almost drop his phone

| • he apologizes and says he was adoring you for the moment ,, before taking the selfie and moving on to focus on that

    - floyd

| • he probably stares on purpose when he gets ahold of this information

| • its only so you can squish his cheeks ,, hes a bit weird abt it ,, craving your touch and if staring at you long enough grants him that then he will gladly do so

| • but if you get rlly bothered by it than he will stop

| • this time he just happened to do it accidentally ,, trying to memorize your smile as much as he could while it was there

| • he didnt realize what he was doing until you squeezed his cheeks with a huff

| • he blinked a few times before giggling and pulling you into his lap ,, wrapping his arms around you

| • “ ahhh sorry shrimpy ~ i didnt mean to stare too much ,,” he purred before pressing a kiss to your head

[nightswithkookmin]

Hmmm. I don't know about that. I think even though they all started with concepts they discarded any company assigned roles for them some where along the line because it didn't suit them and they couldn't keep up with it.

With Vmin I used to think if those two weren't good friends they could be the biggest frenemies on earth and their dynamic would be predisposed to envy and jealousy, unnecessary competition and drama. We don't say this out loud but I think we all can sense it.

Deep down I think they both know this too.

I think it's why they put in so much effort internally and externally to prevent that from happening to them. You should watch a video of Taehyung crying on stage and pouring out his heart because Jimin was there for him in one of the most difficult moments of his life when his grandma passed.

If that confession was staged and faked i'm sorry he is going straight to the pits of hell. And I don't know the metrics for determining the authenticity of their friendship but to me the mere fact that Tae goes to Jimin for emotional support at his lowest and is willing to share his vulnerability with Jimin when he's scared of ghosts in the middle of the night or ask of him the first thing in the morning when he wakes up in soop is a sign of lowered emotional boundaries on his part and you dont lower your walls unless you feel safe to do so around someone- give him an Oscar he certainly fooled me had me believing he liked him so much he might have developed actual gay feelings for him somewhere along the line. Best actor award for him them. Shooketh to my core.

People wanna hype Tae Kook and Taejin but I'm sorry this man will run to Jimin in a heart beat when he needs tender loving and care. Tae kook who. You think JK will sit on a couch and let Tae sob into his laps while he caresses his hair?

Now who's delulu.

Other than that one moment of him on stage burying Tae's face into his chest, show me a compilation of him comforting Tae. I'll wait.

He will rub his back with a broomstick sure

However Tae wouldn't hesitate to be JK's emotional support- IF ONLY JK GOES TO HIM FOR IT💀

Like Jimin and Jhope, Tae is actually very warm at his core.

If you want people JM allows himself to be vulnerable with V is on top of the list, followed by Hobi and V. It all depends on who you think he spends most of his time around and since he used to spend a lot of time around Jungkook we have a tendency to place Kook on top of his list simply because they have more vulnerable moments together. But there are certain things he shares with Tae and even Hobi that he doesn't share with Jungkook first.

And sometimes Jungkook is not the one he reaches out to first when he needs emotional support. And I reckon he has other friends he keeps private and we don't know what he does with those. Similarly Tae has other friends and isn't really private about those friendships like Jimin.

All that comes to play and at the end of the day whether or not you think their friendship is genuine depends on your definition of friendship.

From personal experience, I had friends whom I loved dearly and deeply and to some extent I still do but want nothing to do with them. In fact, I will fly to Mars on a strawmat just to get away from them. Because while I was busy loving them from my heart they let envy and jealousy sip in and I didn't realize till they did the most damage to me.

These days I tell the few friends I have, let's talk about it. It's okay if you're Jealous of me. I won't hate you for it. It's okay if I feel envious of you too just as long as we are not acting on these feelings and we talk about it and not let it push us to sabotage eachother and hurt each other. Jealousy and envy are human weaknesses. It's usually a sign we've been victims of injustices and unfair treatments on cosmic levels. Life isn't fair and some of us will be dealt the short end of the stick. As long as those with the longer sticks are compassionate and not condescending we can all learn to heal.

I feel that's what people don't understand about BTS or even about Vmin. It's not as if they don't know all these things, it's not as if they don't see some are loved more by fans or the company or that some are blessed or that some are slacking- they deal with it.

They help each other deal with it. And that is the strength of Vmin.

You don't think it's ironical Vmin have a vmin letter and years later Jikook develop a letter too mirroring the concept of vmin's letters?

I don't know.

May be I'm just too optimistic and a bit naive I must say and yall see something I don't see. But to me it's not about the ghettoness between them, it's about the way they process these negative feelings and deal with them when they arise.

Someone mentioned Tae complaining about JM stealing the spotlight, but what did JM say right after? He said to Tae you could have come to me to talk to me about this. Look how nurturing that is. He says he values communication and as a Libra myself I can't stress how much important I feel communication is.

I don't know. I love their dynamic. I think their relationship isn't all rainbows and sunshine but a lot of work has gone into it. And there is still more room for improvement. They've come this far so why not see it through to the end.

They should keep being mindful and intentional about their relationship. It's THEE VMIN. Things will work out.

I trust you Tae. Please come through 😭

[imbeingstalked98]

Stalkers are so damn entitled

There are other people in my position, other people worse than me, other people inflicting more aggression on to others, and people want to take advantage of my goodnature bc even while I have less, while I have nothing, I still am willing to give up my financial resources for someone else just to be betrayed

The internet, the public, watches me like im their source of entertainment. It's not like I've overheard them yell at their partners. Imagine having a partner screaming at you over the phone nitpicking every single penny you have bc your relationship is a transaction. I don't need to hear that part of your life, thats why I let you have more privacy in a separate room.

Unlike the majority watching over me, thinking they need to set an example for others by torturing someone to the point they can't live peacefully with the people they trust. Isolate myself, dismiss myself, no longer hold any value towards being social. The more you know someone the more you realize the good and bad they do. Thats why many people settle in toxic relationships.

I love my partner, just like I love my parents. I loved my friends but the constant need to seek betrayal, breaking every boundary. I used to think, why would anyone care about what I'm doing

They care a lot bc they don't have the things I do, well guess what

I rather trade their lives, their responsibilities, their mental health, than to be surveillance like a TV show. These people are teaching their kids how to be fucked up.

Yes, I CAN be full of myself, in the privacy of myself. Yes, I CAN have opinions of others and recognize their behavior. I CAN hold grudges against my partner, bc these things aren't meant to be public, just like everyone else. You think being "real" means to be passive aggressively disrespectful and mock someone else? Pretending to be someone to provoke them, pretending to be my friend to use me and mess with me, randomly disappear while we spend time and have everyone in that restaurant make a shitty comment about what common decency is.

Every part of me that is toxic is incomparable to being a stalker. Because that means you show up to my work place, you then look for me, then you try to record me and harass me, OR you hack my devices you show everyone my private life just to make sure everyone knows what Im doing 24/7, OR you come to where I live leave discarded food in front of the garage take a flower from my garden show up to my work place to let me know where I live, OR you get your groupies to join in on the harassment and follow me to San Diego when I went to go see my doctor, MY FUCKING DOCTOR, OR you pretend that it must be my "delusions" that Im being stalked and followed and not because people feel addicted to being creepy as fuck

If I KNEW how to get a background check on myself, IF I KNEW HOW to hack someone, IF I KNEW HOW to make other ppl disrespect someone else, I would be as low as the rest of you. Stalking me since February, spreads to my employment, spreads to my neighborhood, spreads to my close friends, family, but it didn't spread to me, bc what will I do if I gain access to how I'm being hacked. If I report it, will anyone ever stop, I think all they'll ever do is escalate the situation,

Complain about me being tired, well if you had to put up with this bullshit for the past year, you'd blow your brains out, so you're probably wondering how I managed this far.

My issues w my partner, are supposed to be private, he holds grudges against me, and my grudge against him is that hes mad that I forced him to apologize for the abuse he put me through, for years, and while things have improved, he still tries to control me when hes upset by breaking us up,

How many other people out there have their partner tell you "dont bring up the past" after they've cheated on you or abused you, to make sure you're at fault when you tell them not to repeat a shitty thing they've done,

We have a hard time leaving our partners, because we love them, or because were impoverished, most impoverished women stay in these kinds of relationships, or we think our partners would improve, and while he has, ME holding my grudges, being upset, exhausted over and over I see people repeating the same ways I've been mistreated just to turn around like "no one done anything to you" but will mimic and copy mock me, hack me, stalk me,

I can't go outside, just like that one YouTuber getting doxxed after sssniperwolf posted his address. If you were stalked, if you were mocked, if you dealt w people disrespecting you everyday, you can't expect to be happy and positive, joyful and outgoing. I felt happy bc I didn't think I was actually the center of attention. I make jokes w random ass people bc I like making others happy, I say dumb things bc I like being funny, but my resource of comedy comes from making others happy, not making others worse.

If you were stalked you'll know what its liked to see people treat you like shit over the things you do, and all of us lose our narcissism when were put on display, like a zoo animal, even they don't deserve to be held captured, people just prefer their entertainment over what is actually justified.

Fuck gang stalking, if you contribute to this, you're no better than me.

[jiamour]

nightmare blunt rotation

pairing: jeno x reader

genre: crack, a little bit suggestive, established relationship, just some guys hanging out

warnings but they’re written like ao3 tags: 18+ (it’s not smut or anything i just don’t want kids to read this), marijuana use, jeno is a lightweight, ¿somnophilia? (but like not really, he’s conscious, the lights just aren’t on in his head, everything that happens is consensual and has pre-established boundaries!!), jeno forgets how to use his mouth, drool (kinda sorta), puppy jeno, oral fixation, hair pulling, jisung thinks he’s stuck in a box and starts crying😔, gilf hunter jaemin, ¿dumbification?, if you get it you get it i just like dumb pliant men, wrote this while high and then didn’t proof read it

word count: 3.4k

sound track: here !!

a/n: shout out to the girlie who helped concoct this monstrosity @dojunie <3 couldn’t have done it w/o you😔🙏

a/n/n: disclaimer this is a major exaggeration of being stoned, do not let this fic scare you away, youll probably only get horny sleepy and hungry

summary: rule 1 is have a good time, rule 2 is dont invite jeno. sadly, the latter was not abided by and now the boys have 3 kids on the way, 1 failed engagement, and 2 money laundering schemes (allegedly)

alternatively: jeno rolls “worst joint ever” asked to leave marks grandmothers basement

marks grandmothers basement was NOT made to hold 7 people. but, mark was watching over her place for a couple weeks while she was on an ‘intimate’ retreat with her boyfriend jaemin, and he swore on his life that it was cool there.

mark had made the grave mistake of thinking the ‘gilf hunter’ occupation in jaemins instagram description was a joke. he invited him over for an innocent brunch with his sweet elderly grandmother only for him to find out 3 months later that jaemin had fucked off to florida with her to swing with other old people, leaving mark in charge of watering her plants and feeding her cats for 2 weeks.

~impromptu text so tumblr is annoying ~

~impromptu text so tumblr is annoying ~

“don’t touch that!” mark yelled, diving at donghyuck who was flipping over a picture frame hung on the wall that had previously been facing backwards. mark made sure to hide every picture of his grandmother before everyone had arrived, not taking anymore risks. making extra sure to discard of the photo with both jaemin and his grandmother present, jaemins arm around her and an evil taunting smile on his lips.

“chill man,” donghyuck laughed, trying to break himself out of marks hold but when mark firmly locked his arms to his sides he gave up and lets himself be manhandled onto the couch without much protest, “i’m a gay man, i don’t want her.”

“he’s heard that one before,” chenle’s shrieking laughter filled the room. god, there really wasn’t supposed to be this many people in this basement, especially loud people whose second language was fighting, and first was arguing.

the basement in question was a basement. nothing extraordinary like mark insisted, you assumed it was just a ploy so that he wouldn’t have to spend the night alone again. the wallpaper was old and peeling off the wall but what could be seen was a dull pink flower pattern, and the washer and dryer seemed to be perpetually running without any clothes inside.

jisung sat cross legged on top of the dryer, he was leaned back so his head occasionally bounced off the wall but he insisted it was comfortable and made him feel like he was on a bus ride everytime he closed his eyes. why he wanted to feel like he was riding a bus, no one could be sure and no one asked. not even renjun who was standing in front of him looking stressed out with his arms out stretched, ready to try to catch the larger boy if he fell. this would probably only result in renjun being crushed but you didn’t want to tell him that and mess with his vibes.

“hey baby, can you give me a paw? no? that’s okay. mark! where do you keep the cat treats?” jeno asked. and there he was, menance of the hour, squat down beside one of the cats mark was supposed to be watching, giving them a nice pat.

jeno wasn’t supposed to be here. he had read the notification over your shoulder before you had noticed he was even there and went, “oh? sesh at marks tonight?” you didn’t have the heart to tell him he wasn’t invited but chenles look of disapproval when he saw jeno following you into the basement was almost enough to make you wish you did.

in normal scenarios none of you had anything against jeno, in fact you all loved jeno. he was a regular boy next door type, the kind of guy who would change a flat tire for you or tell you that he’s not mad he’s just disappointed if you ever wronged him. mark wanted to add that jeno was also the kind of guy who would respectfully decline a full inclusive trip to florida with someone’s grandmother UNLIKE OTHER PEOPLE HE KNOWS.

but that was all sober jeno. stoned jeno was another story. stoned jeno was scary. and each and every single person in that room was trying to think of a way to get him out of there.

“uhh yeah i think there’s some on the kitchen counter if you want to check,” mark informed jeno on the location of the cat treats and jeno nodded, he stood up and brushed off his knees with a small smile.

“you coming with me, baby?” jeno asked the cat who promptly ignored him and licked at its paws but when he began to walk back upstairs the cat followed after him.

as soon as the door shut behind them, you all looked up at eachother.

“do we lock it?” chenle asked, and you can see everyone silently consider the option. would it be rude to lock jeno upstairs? probably. would it save you a lot of trouble that night? definitely.

“no, that would be mean,” jisung frowned and placed his hands beneath his thighs, leaning forward, much to renjuns discontent.

“who cares about being mean?” donghyuck fought back, “this is a matter of survival, life or death.”

“don’t be dramatic,” you rolled your eyes but that turned the entire room against you, you should have stayed quiet.

“how can you even-��� donghyuck paused and closed his eyes, taking a breath to calm himself, “i cant believe you brought him here.”

“he saw the notification! what else was i supposed to do?“ you whisper yelled and before an eruption of voices could respond chenle cut them off.

“we don’t have time to argue about this, he’ll be back any second,” chenle reminded, ���rock, paper, scissors. who ever wins gets to choose what we do.”

the basement unanimously agreed this was a good call. it went on 4 rounds until donghyuck won.

“we lock him out,” donghyuck decided without hesitation.

“go do it then,” mark nudged him, trying to get him off the couch but he didnt budge.

“me?” donghyuck looked scandalized, hugging a needlepoint cushion to his chest, “you do it, you’re closer.”

“barely?!”

“i don’t want to be the bad guy!”

“but you are!”

the basement door opened and jeno returned, catless, “sorry i took forever, there’s four whole cats up there, also! i grabbed a lighter, i wasn’t sure if we had one but we do now-“ jeno stopped on the steps, noticing everyone staring at him (minus donghyuck who was groaning into the cushion he had his face buried in), “what were you guys talking about?” he tilted his head slightly to the side.

so much for that plan.

no one could tell him, that was for sure. you could almost image the puppy ears flattening on his head, he wouldn’t let it go for weeks, maybe months.

“nothing,” you eventually sighed to break the uncomfortable silence, gesturing with your hand for him to come over to where you were sitting. when he was close enough you grabbed his hand in your own giving it a little squeeze and he smiled down at you, standing between your spread legs.

it didn’t really matter what anyone said anyway. unbeknownst to everyone else, jeno had taken an edible about 30 minutes prior so he was basically a ticking time bomb. you could already notice the increased drag of his feet and the droop of his eyelids, it wouldn’t be much longer.

“are we doing this or what?” chenle complained, “i’ve gotta pass out by 1 so i can be up in time for my shift tomorrow.”

things were tense between mark and jeno, at least according to jeno. he was sat cross legged across from mark, tapping at his phone with his entire hand, which was covered almost entirely by his hoodie sleeve.

you received a sophistically written ‘he’s so mean >:( mark lee‘ promptly 5 minutes after jeno had started typing.

‘be nice’ you responded and he squinted his eyes at the bubble that popped up. he scrunched up his face with a pout and held the screen an inch away from his face with both hands trying to read the message without his tunnel vision blurring it for him.

“cant focus?” you giggled beside him, knocking your head against his shoulder as he shook his head, “poor pup.”

jeno’s one sided beef with mark had started a month ago. the last time the two had gotten high together he had managed to convince himself that mark and donghyuck had gotten married without informing him because of their matching surnames. no matter how many time mark fought back, jeno didn’t believe him. he had even given him the cold shoulder in return for not being chosen as marks best man.

the fact that donghyuck had been currently leaning on marks shoulder had further cemented this betrayal in jeno’s mind, or at least what was left of it.

“stop pouting at me,” donghyuck complained, “we’ll invite you to the next one.”

“shut up,” mark whined as jeno’s pout grew 10 fold. he knocked donghyuck’s head off his shoulder but smiled as soon as they made eye contact.

no one was sure what was going on between them but everyone knew that there was something. mostly because donghyuck had changed his facebook relationship status from ‘single’ to ‘its complicated’ and “accidently” sent a link to his account in the groupchat so mark would see. everyone, including mark, could see through it because the only other signs of life on his account where the yearly “happy birthday” posts he made for his rich aunt.

if ever asked about it, donghyuck would answer that they were “soulmates” and mark would say that donghyuck was a “pain in the ass.”

“h-help,” jisung hiccuped a sob behind you. you had been trying to ignore chenle’s routine torturing of jisung, knowing renjun would stop it when it went too far but it would be rude to ignore jisungs calls any longer.

you glanced over you shoulder to see chenle’s hands held flat in the air miming like the other was stuck in a box. chenle was mouthing words but no sounds were coming out which heightened jisungs anxiety even further. he knocked his fists against the fake air box he was stuck in and sobbed further when they halted mid swing as if there actually was a wall there.

when jisung’s eyes caught your own and he sent a plea of help you gave him a look of confusion and mouthed back wordlessly. was it a bit of a dick move? yes. but was it funny? kinda.

“pleASE,” jisung sobbed, “i have a family, i have a-“ his words squeaked off. this was enough to convince renjun that anymore teasing would have given jisung a lifetime of therapy bills.

he got up from the couch and picked up his imaginary hammer, smashing the imaginary box, freeing jisung from his prison. jisung instantly fell into his arms and sniffled into renjuns shoulder as chenle maniacally giggled.

“it’s okay ji,” renjun cooed, patting jisungs back, “let’s get you some more weed to calm you down.”

“i want ikea meatballs,” renjun said looking around waiting for someone else to acknowledge him, “does anyone else really want ikea meatballs right now?”

“fuck off, be quiet,” chenle grumbled from the couch, his feet kicked up on the table, a bucket hat pulled down over his eyes.

“ikea…” jisung repeated to himself bouncing his legs so fast he swore the whole room was shaking.

the room wasn’t shaking. in fact, jeno felt quite stable. he was a big fan of gravity he must admit, it was very comfortable, like a big everywhere blanket covering him.

jeno always claimed weed barely worked on him, it just “mellowed him out.” half of that was true. when jeno was high he lived deep inside of his mind, a scary place to everyone but himself. though he sat there unmoving, eyes closed, mouth hanging open slightly in a permanent pout, his mind was racing.

donghyuck feared him especially. one fateful night left jeno dramatically winking at him everytime they passed a cop. donghyuck had always been too afraid to ask what jeno thinks he did. he’d rather live in ignorance but he knows one day it’s gonna get him in deep shit.

“how many coins do you think we can fit in his mouth today?” mark asked looking at jeno’s open mouth intently. jeno didn’t show any sign that he had heard.

donghyuck hummed and got a closer look at jeno’s face. he moved around him to inspect every angle, jeno didn’t move, “i think atleast 25,” donghyuck answered.

you snapped in front of jeno’s eyes and he didn’t react, at first. about 30 seconds later he blinked and recoiled at the action before quickly settling back into place, “40,” you answered.

“i’ll get my grandmothers penny collection,” mark said, getting up to grab the 3 peanut jars full of coins his grandma had stored in an old chest.

mark placed the coin jars in front of you and you scooted in front of jeno, waiting for him to acknowledge your presence. he doesn’t.

“hey jen,” you smiled softly as you poured some coins into your hand, “can you open your mouth a bit more for me?”

he looked at you blankly for a couple seconds before he followed your instructions. you smiled and ruffled his hair with your free hand and he leaned into your touch.

you held a coin up to his mouth and he let you slide it in without any resistance.

“one,” you counted and placed another coin on his tongue.

by 15 donghyuck had fallen over into marks lap, unable to hold himself up as he uncontrollably cackled at the number of coins jeno had yet to acknowledge in his mouth.

at 28 jeno’s face scrunched up, a confused look on his brows. everyone held their breath. jeno settled back into his blank stare. you placed another coin in his mouth.

you placed the 43rd coin in jeno’s mouth and he glared. he shook his head like a dog trying to get water out of fur and watched as a coin fell out of his mouth and pinged against the floor.

“bleh,” jeno stuck his tongue out and shook his head again, letting all 43 coins tumble out his mouth. he looked at the scattered coins in confusion like he had no idea where they had come from. the crowd cheered, all proud you were able to beat your record of 29.

even after the coin removal his mouth hung open. god, he looked dumb. you placed a hand on his cheek and pat it softly, placing a thumb on his lips and leveraging his mouth open wider. you slip your thumb completely in his mouth and place it atop his tongue when he followed your guidance.

he stared at you without a thought behind his eyes.

“good boy,” you hummed and he perked up, the corners of his lips twitched up, looking love drunk.

you ran your thumb along the inside of his gums and his tongue followed along. his mouth was almost completely dry, you didn’t know if his cotton mouth was from the coins or the weed.

you ran your finger along his teeth and gums trying to see what would make his squirm, eventually you settled on his tongue. you press down on it, your other fingers beneath his chin, holding him in place.

you drill holes into jeno with your eyes watching for his next move.

he reached out to paw at your thighs but you tut as soon as contact is made, “hands to yourself,” you cooed patronizingly, pressing down harder on his tongue. he pulled his hands back and placed them politely in his lap.

you keep your thumb in place but nothing happens.“dumb dog,” you frowned.

he shrunk down, to the best of his ability, struggling to move with your hand holding his head in place. his imaginary puppy ears pressed flat against his head.

“cant even drool right,” you rolled your eyes and moved your thumb back just slightly, he chased it with his tongue and you lock it behind his teeth pulling him forward.

he’s tugged along easily and your finger pulled out of his mouth, your hand moved to stroke his cheek. your teeth clashed with the force of the kiss and you laughed pulling back to kiss him again gently. jeno loses the ability to kiss when he’s high, his lips leave his control and his mouth falls open all sloppy and desperate.

he tasted like metal and it’s kind of fucking gross but it’s also a little hot and doesn’t stop you from taking advantage of the mess of jeno in front of you.

you pulled away and he chased you again, managing to catch you in another short kiss before you pushed him back gently by his shoulders.

“my turn,” haechan sang and pushed himself past you and infront of jeno.

mark hands were folded together in front of him, his jaw clenched and his eyes watched the two of them like a hawk, “i would like to see it.”

jeno pushed donghyuck away as soon as he gets close and holds his hands out in front of him asking for you to sit with him again. donghyuck winced dramatically and fell to the floor, he layed flat and stoped moving entirely, you later find out he fell asleep. jeno completely ignored him.

“open wide for me again pup,” you said, sliding yourself back in front of him and hold a water bottle up to his mouth. he followed your instructions, albeit delayed, and you gave him a pat on the cheek.

water ran down jeno’s face, he struggled to swallow it as you poured it into his mouth. when the stream of water reached his neck you placed the bottle down and he didn’t move to wipe the water off of his face.

as the water began to slide below his hoodie you catch it with your tongue, lick up his neck and chin before reaching his lips and drink up the remaining water inside of his mouth.

his mouth is wide and giving but it’s not enough. the fingers of both of your hands reached around and squeezed lightly, he gasped, his jaw dropping further.

he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to move his lips to follow yours and it’s endearing the way he misses and kisses at your cheeks and chin.

you slide your hands back, they grazed the ends of his long strands of hair that you had been begging him to grow up. you twirled your fingers around tufts of his hair, your hand travelled up until it was able to grab a large chunk.

you tugged and he got pulled back with a whimper. his eyes were glassy and empty but his soft sounds of pain show he’s still there despite how pliantly he allowed you to move him around and angle his head to kiss you better.

you pulled even harder and he bares his neck, allowing you to messily mouth at it and tease gently with your teeth, your grip didn’t loosen on his hair.

“god you’re useless aren’t you puppy,” you cooed and he whimpered, though you were sure it was only from the pain, his thoughts being too jumbled and far away to understand anything but your tone of voice. you decided to pull harder one more time just for good measure.

you loved how he just sat there and took it.

jeno pat jisung on the back when he saw him the next day. jisung jumped, startled and jeno laughed.

“crazy night last night wasn’t it?” jeno asked with a wink and jisung nervously laughed.

“huh?” jisung asked as jeno rubbed at his arm pulling him into a side hug.

“like crazy, crazy. congrats dude, i’m proud of you for real.”

‘proud… of me…?’ jisung froze.

“being a father this young isn’t an easy job but i know you’re up to the job.”

‘oh my god,’ jisung felt his soul leave his body, wanting to fall to his knees in agony, ‘not a-fucking-gain’

[fairycosmos]

hey sorry if this is weird but I wanted some advice regarding having sex for the first time,, there’s a likely chance I may be having sex with a guy I like at some point before the month ends and the anxiety of not knowing what I’m doing and being hesitant is rlly throwing me off. I know for sure I’m ready but the performance element is rlly doing me in :/ fyi I’ve not kissed anyone before or been intimate in any way so that definitely adds to it ._.

hiii love well this is just my input so feel free to discard it if u dont vibe with it, but a few things came to mind while i was reading this that i wanted to expand on. the first is like, i hope you know that if you're not ready then you don't have to do it just because there's this expectation/projected time frame for it to happen before the end of the month. what i mean by that is, if you've never experienced physical intimacy before then it's completely normal to be overwhelmed and to not know where to start. and it's ALSO completely normal to want to "build up" to having sex rather than jumping right into it just because the opportunity has arisen. you know? it's alright if you're not "there" with the idea yet, it's natural. you do not have to push yourself into anything to impress this dude, or to feel better about yourself in any way. take ur time. and that's me speaking from unfortunate experience, trust me, it's nottt worth it if you're not 100% feeling it!

however, if that's not the case and you feel genuinely safe and happy with the guy, and with the idea of having sex with him, then here's a few pointers.

1. obviously - practice safe sex, use protection and make sure everything you are doing (and experiencing) is 100% consensual from both ends. lube and basic foreplay can help in terms of slight discomfort, and it's alright to ask for both. know that a lot of pain is not usually normal and it shouldn't be overall physically agonizing by any means. 

2. accept that while the feeling of it being a "performance" is very common for women, it is not healthy, nor is it true. it's a learned mentality that is the result of years of being influenced by porn and misogyny, directly or otherwise, and that is its only basis. one of the main ways to combat it is to consciously work at seeing yourself as more than an object by dismantling the "male gaze" in ur own mind, often through therapy and active self-help/rejection of these internalized thinking patterns, but obviously that can take years to really master. ultimately, remind yourself often that sex is an experience shared between two people, not an act you're putting on, not something that is "done" to women. it's usually some variation of awkward, imperfect, funny and ungraceful and that's what makes it real. if neither of you are ready for it to be like that, then it's totally ok to wait until you're a little more comfortable in your own skin before pursuing things further, for the sake of your own mental and physical health. you're not a sex doll or a porn star, and you won't act like you are either, which is something that both ppl need to truly understand and be okay with (because it's completely normal and just like, how reality is lol but i digress.)

3. communicate honestly and openly. i really can't impress the importance of this one enough, like. consistent communication throughout is sooo vital. discuss consent and boundaries beforehand, and during. go through your own boundaries with yourself, too, if needs be. with him, you need to feel comfortable telling each other in the moment what feels right, what doesn't, guiding each other, saying no to anything that makes you uncomfortable or that hurts etc - listening closely goes along way too. basically, you don't have to treat sex like you're putting on a show, or like it's a skill to be improved upon. it's more about making each other feel good, making each other feel heard and experiencing connection with this guy in a new way because you really like and care about him, and he really likes and cares about you.

if you don't feel like it's going to pan out like that for whatever reason, then it's ok to halt the process and take a step back. also, i'm sure you know this but it's also alright for either one of u to revoke consent at any point in the whole experience. i'm talking, you could be right in the middle of it, and if you're not into it - you can and should stop. there's no need to go through with it out of a sense of obligation, and if you think you're susceptible to that happening, again i think it'd be best for you to re-evaluate for now whether this is a position you're emotionally ready to be in. because the aftermath of that sort of thing is very needlessly painful, and can be potentially traumatic. anyway, i think i've rambled enough lmfao whatever happens - i hope you take care of yourself, and take things as slow as you need, there's truly no rush and no harm in doing what's best for you, whatever that looks like. have a good day b <3

[tellywoodtrash]

My apologies in advance if you feel that I am using you as a therapist. But I need some advice from a neutral party and felt that you could provide inputs. I have cut ties with a friend who was toxic, manipulative, but lonely and sick. After almost 2.5 years she has been trying to ask me out for lunch and I have been making excuses as I dont wish to get pulled into that vortex again. But my God fearing and karma conscious mother has been telling me that we are lucky to be someone who can help

[Continued] others who are weak and in need of assistance. She feels I am being too harsh to this ex friend and should be nice to her. My mother has been the same about nosy relatives as well, asking me to return calls and basically not cut them off my life totally. I am against letting the negative vibes from these people ruin my mojo. But still feel a niggling guilt in my heart, most likely due to my upbringing. Do you feel I am harsh if I dont retain any ties with such people? Thanks!

Hello anon!

I'm a huuuuuuuuge proponent of protecting your energy and time from such people, so I don't think you're being harsh at all. I'm all for helping people, but that absolutely should NOT come at the expense of your own mental peace. Also you have to think, would these people reciprocate in the same compassionate manner if you were going through challenging times? Debatable. People like this tend to only think about themselves and you are just something they feed energy and compassion off of, and then discard when their ends are met. By no means am I telling you to be unkind, but it's not your duty to fix this person's problems, unfortunate as they are. At most, you can choose to maintain a polite and distant presence in their lives, but by no means are you obligated to let them in and wreak havoc on your mental health. Good on you for wanting to maintain boundaries and protecting your inner peace. Spend your time and good vibes on those who make your heart happy and add value to your life!!!!!

[calamitydaze]

idk if youre still wanting to talk about the situation but. i feel like it needs to be considered that we dont know what their snapchat conversations were like before saying "it wasn't grooming". the insta dms arent, sure, but she did say she genuinely thought she was building a bond with him when referring to snapchat. we dont know what mightve been said or how he mightve acted and i just think that all possible scenarios should be considered. but i havent seen many people talk about it

i've been Slowly trying to make my way through the last chunk of asks i set aside to answer so yeah i don't mind still talking about it!! i see where you're coming from and i agree that given we still don't have most of the messages we should be cautious about drawing conclusions on how he did or didn't act, But grooming is one of the few things i am willing to completely discard, for two reasons.

i touched on it briefly in another ask, but sexual content is like.... the "end goal" of grooming. that's why the grooming happens in the first place, to build that emotional bond in order to get things from young people that they couldn't otherwise. and most people tend to think of the events in this situation in order of severity, aka dms -> snaps -> nudes, when actually they went dms -> nudes -> snaps. so to me, only the instagram dms are really relevant to whether or not it was grooming, and i don't think anyone could argue that they are. even assuming the worst of the snapchat messages we don't have, even if it was intentional, building an inappropriately personal relationship with a fan isn't the "pattern of behavior with a goal" that grooming is, it's just a gross lack of boundaries.

this one is weaker but it does factor into my reasoning so it's probably only fair to mention it: while there IS a lot we don't have, there's a not-insignificant amount we do have. and although you're absolutely right that definitive conclusions shouldn't be drawn, i think it's fair to extrapolate a bit and say "well, he acted [this way] in everything we've seen so far, he probably acted [this way] in the things we haven't seen too"

[pagingdoctorbedlam]

Oooh I loved the cp9 helping us recover headcannons! What about we flip it around and have a bit of us helping them? Not necessarily just recovery, but like... a member who is just too good for the group... an absolute sweetheart... kinda a mom friend. Would allow them to lay their head in our lap and just brush their hair as they ramble about their troubles... can give great advice and them exactly what they need to hear... Just a total platonic sweetheart and angel too good for the world. They're who holds the team together and can easily mellow situations... How she/he got into cp9 is an absolute mystery :)

Please and thank you. Discard if you dont want to :3

Anon, thank you so much for your patience! I tried not to make these too same-y, so I hope you like how they turned out!

Placing under a readmore for space:

Rob Lucci: To say that Lucci is prickly would be an understatement. He keeps others at arm's length with claws out, even those he's close to. Combining this with his abhorrence of weakness, and many would think that Lucci can't stand you. Yet...he knows that your kindness is not a weakness; in fact, it's a strength that you've held onto your kindness and your will to help others despite everything you've all been through. As such, Lucci will generally acknowledge your opinion, even if he doesn't always give in. You might not be able to cure his foul moods or bloodthirsty rampages all the time, but you can convince him to sheathe his claws now and again. And sometimes when you're working on a project, you'll find Lucci quietly keeping you company as he works on outfits for Hattori.

Kaku: Kaku sometimes tries to do too much on his own, feeling the need to prove himself as the youngest member. This means approaching him can be more difficult than expected, because he doesn't want to be mothered or overly doted on due to his age. Yet he secretly appreciates having someone check in on him, or pull him away from overworking himself for a moment to breathe. He'll sometimes bring you interesting tidbits he's found while running around, like an interesting rock or a cute souvenir he thought you'd like.

Kalifa: Kalifa is more than pleased to have another responsible adult in the group, especially one who's not going to oggle her. She likely backs you up when needed, and woe be anyone who tries to take advantage of your kind nature while Kalifa is around! She does her best to look out for you the way you do her, and it's...honestly sweet of her. She also likes to go out on the town with you, days where you go shopping and visit a cafe or the like. During such times, the two of you can let your hair down and simply be two adults having a nice time.

Blueno: Honestly, Blueno's happy to have another level head in the group with you around. It's hard being the only calm one among the other eccentric members, but together, you and Blueno are able to keep them from doing anything rash. If he's not the only one keeping the team afloat, Blueno's allowed to ease up a little, allow himself a little more personality (though he's still the stoic compared to everyone else). You're also the one person he allows himself to confide in when things get rough; just having you there to listen, or your occasional kernels of good advice, does wonders for his mental wellbeing. He is, of course, more than happy to offer his shoulder to you too, should you need it.

Jabra: At first, Jabra saw you as a rival trying to usurp him as the group leader, even though nothing could be further from the truth. You were just always so calm, and unflappable, professional, and...nice! How dare you show him up like that?! But once he got to know you, he came to appreciate the level-headedness you brought to the team (the fact that you never made fun of him also helped). He'll sometimes come to you for love advice, or to vent, or just to share a drink and be calm for a moment. (But don't you dare tell any of the others about this...!)

Kumadori: With Kumadori still grieving his own mother, things might've been a little odd between you two at first, unsure of how to approach each other without overstepping boundaries. He knows you'll never be a replacement for what he lost, but he's still so happy to finally have someone to talk to in the same way, and your influence has also cut down his sepukku attempts significantly. He trusts your advice beyond anyone else's, and will often back you up when needed. If you ever need help with a project, Kumadori is often the first to offer.

Fukuro: You might not be much of a gossip, but Fukuro absolutely loves to talk to you and tell you all about what he's uncovered lately. If you have a particular subject you're interested in, he'll make sure to keep an ear out for anything he can learn on the subject. You've also learned his ticks for when he's about to say something he shouldn't, so you occasionally have to wrangle him before he spills the beans. At least he's pretty good about not spilling your secrets.

BONUS Spandam: Spandam often relies on you to rein in the rest of CP9, and while he can be an ass about it, he can't deny that they respect you more than him. He'll vent to you a lot about how hard his work is and how unfair it all is, but should you ever be uncomfortable with anything Spandam does...well, you've got the rest of the team to back you up.

Nero: Nero looked up to you quite a bit while he was around, as you were the only one who truly looked out for him on the team. Too bad you weren't there when...

Bedlam (CP9 OC): Honestly, since you look out for the others so much, Bedlam may well take special effort to look after you more, make sure you aren't burning yourself out. They may also come to you for advice on how to convince various members to comply with the doctor's orders, but they try not to take more than they give. You find them looking at you oddly sometimes; something they can see with their Haki, perhaps...?

[vinnival]

WAIT I ACCIDENTALLY FOLLOWED YOU IS THAT MEAN?? UGH I DUNNO BUT WOULD IT BE ALR IF I ASKED FOR A MADNESS COMBAT MATCHUP,,

i don't really mind any pronouns but i use she her! i'm 5'5, and currently questioning my sexuality (ALL I KNOW IS IM NOT STRAIGHT BAHBAH) i have fluffy dark brown hair, shoulder length im pretty sure?? my hair is fucking whack, i have brown eyes, and my skin doesnt decide whether it wants to b light or dark, but most of the time it can b pretty light and i havent gone outside 4 a bit,, pls send help][pray]]

my personality is also very idrk,, weird?> it really depends on who im talking to because i have a fear of losing people but uhh,, i'm very playful and a bit harsh, i pick fights with people,, i really enjoy listening to people vent and helping them, some of my friends consider me to be a mother figure to them and it makes me super happy honestly-- i get angry easily and it leads to me saying prickly things to people or just me breaking things, im scared of making new friends and meeting new people because of the way i am, i tend to act like a cat like meowing, hissing, and stuff like that,, i also really like attention but like,, not too much attention because its just annoying, and im an asshole.

im currently obsessed homestuck and madness combat. I think true crime cases are really interesting to me, making games on roblox, and bullying little children on there

i didnt know if i should put this here but i have mental illnesses, such as autism, adhd, d.i.d, and other things that will make me feel like one of those people that make me feel kinda gross

I DONT KNOW IF THAT WAS GOOD MY ENGLISH SUCKS WHAWAAHBJNKFMLDS

I'll finish this when I'm done with all the prompts and hc requests!

finally..... after 2 months..... all done !! Here we go ! Enjoy <3

MATCHUPS ARE NOT OPEN YET

You got a match! You're matched with...

2BDAMNED

<3

First off lemme say: he'd love bullying kids on roblox with u

Oh yeah father figure with mom friend? Perfect match

He forces you to help him take care of the boys but u don't mind because you love him <3

Ngl he probably met you off of a random website that was miraculously still up in Nevada

Replied to one of your comments or something along those lines??

He said something silly n so you were automatically intrigued

"hey lol" -ur first text

lord u were NERVOUS

But !! You immediately hit it off w him! You both slowly but surely knew more about each other

He didn't fully trust you as a person (anyone can be out to kill him tbh) so he was restrictive, but he was confident in the firewalls and proxies he set up so AAHW won't find him

Alas after enough days he finally felt comfortable enough to meet you irl

You felt 100x more nervous, scared even, but you trusted him enough to only bring one gun

Finally, you two met, immediately growing comfortable in each others' presence

2B discarded the pistol and knife he had hidden away, and you tossed away your pistol

"Don't toss your gun what the fuck"

"I do what I want pissbaby"

You can tell he gave you a scowl; "just as mean as you are online, I see how it is"

Your eyes narrowed playfully,"If you expected anything different change your standards"

Since he knew you love to rile people up for no reason, he kept calm. He would usually keep calm in these situations, so even if you didn't tell him, he'd be good

Whoa you act like a cat? He thinks that's p cute tbh

Hank also loves interacting with you bc of your cat-like habits

Oh man. Loves. I mean, LOVES. petting/brushing ur hair .

So fluffy......so pretty....

When you've had enough attention, he picks up on it immediately and respects ur boundaries

Also loves watching true crime with you ! I can see him being interested in other serial killers since he has to deal with one himself and would like to know more about their general mindset instead of directly asking hank a metric shitton of questions

He takes you into his work space while he works so u two can just talk yanno

If you start getting riled up for any reason, he stops what he's doing, gently grabs you, and leads you out of there so you don't break any of his hard-earned equipment

Aye you werent complaining he holds u so gentol....

If you have an episode of any kind, he's there to try and calm you down. He has multiple methods of calming people down depending on what type of crash they're having, if u dissociate and need help remembering what ure doing, he's totally fine with reminding you ! Don't be ashamed or afraid of your mental state around him, he's as close to a doctor that one could be in Nevada, so he won't judge you for what you have. It's a part of you :] !!

Asks you out in the dumbest way possible (in your opinion)

He gets back in the site you first met him on and shot you a message

You were confused when you checked it the next day on the same computer he used

"So... Want to date?"

"2B?!" You yelled, your voice cracking

it's been so long since I've done my last madcom matchup that I literally had to look at one of my old ones to remember how I formatted it Bruh

anyways I hope u enjoyed !!!! <3

[sleeplessangelsgame]

If you dont mind ask about the prompy you posted on the other blog how about chest with Aris ? ❤🥺👉👈

I don't mind at all! I definitely got carried away by this prompt, but I don't think anyone will mind! ❤

“Tell me you aren’t serious,” Aris said, distinctly unimpressed.

At first glance, the situation was unbelievable. The pack had close ties - every single one of the wolves shared feasts and failures in equal fervor - but this wasn’t a gala or a hunt. It was only Aris and me, and one sleeping bag. Temperatures would dip into near-freezing single-digits this high into the mountains, which didn’t leave us much choice.

“For warmth,” I insisted, resisting the urge to roll my eyes. I had hoped we would grow out of this phase: the rejection of crossing the boundary line of Ascendant and protector. We couldn’t control our roles in the pack, but we could try and be familiar with each other at the very least.

Not for Aris Sarantelli, though. There was no gray area, just black and white. Ascendant and enforcer. No more, no less.

Aris still looked unconvinced, regarding the sleeping bag on the cave floor skeptically, so I added, “Unless you want to explain to the Alpha why you let me freeze to death?”

They clenched their jaw at that, hesitated, then nodded. The tense line of their shoulders didn’t ease, but acceptance was a start, at least. I could save the bonding board games for when we were safely back in the packhouse.

For a moment, we both stood there, watching one another. We were both determining who would make the first move, who would settle in, and who would have to climb in next.

When Aris didn’t even utter a breath, too tense to move, I sighed. I started kicking off my boots, shivering when my socked feet met the cold stone floor. I shed my outermost jacket and dropped it unceremoniously onto the floor next to my discarded shoes. The cold crept in like seawater, unforgiving as a riptide, and I quickly wiggled into the sleeping back.

I pushed myself into the farthest corner only to leave little free space for Aris. Despite my gesture of goodwill, it would be inevitable that we would end up side-by-side, our bodies touching.

I focused on burying my face in half of the sleeping bag’s built-in pillow, mentally shoving those thoughts into a closet, and locking the door. Aris and I touched each other often, especially in training. It was only a sleeping bag, and it was to survive.

No more, no less.

I listened to the rustle of Aris carefully toeing off their boots and pulling off their jacket - I even recognized the sound of them folding it with composed diligence - before, cautiously, they slid in next to me. I waited until they fully settled before I pulled my face free, catching the impassive expression on their face as they settled in beside me.

As they zipped up the sleeping bag, the warmth of their body swept over me immediately, chasing away the aching cold that stubbornly lingered in the tips of my fingers. I flexed the feeling back into them, sighing with relief when the numbness faded.

“I think that last mile almost gave me frostbite,” I said mildly, trying to dispel the sudden tension choking the air. Aris raised an eyebrow incredulously, deterred by my nonchalance, so I tucked my defrosted fingers under the covers to gently prod their arm. At the faintest touch, they barely repressed a flinch, and I quickly retreated.

“Goddess,” Aris frowned, and to my surprise, they reached over to take my hand in theirs. “Weren’t you wearing gloves? What were you doing?”

“Gloves?” I repeated. “Weren’t you the one that gave me the speech that gloves slowed my shifting time?”

“Your hands shift first,” they agreed, tucking my hand in both of theirs. The warmth of their palms were scorching, and it sparked an echoing flame in the pit of my stomach. Aris didn’t even seem to notice. “But you know when you’re going to shift, and your gloves are removable.”

I made a face at them. “Don’t try to explain how gloves work, Aris.”

Their expression was serious, but there was the smallest ember glittering in their eyes, lively in a way I couldn’t quite recognize. Aris Sarantelli, the prominent second-hand enforcer of the Keating werewolves and my stoic bodyguard for life, was teasing me about gloves.

“Use them, and I would have nothing to explain,” Aris replied as if it were that simple. They released my hand, and I missed that touch so fiercely that my fingers ached. I curled my fingers into a fist, killing any instinct to reach out and take their hand again, and hoped Aris couldn’t hear the faint skip in my traitorous heartbeat.

“Yes, sir,” I deadpanned. Aris quirked a brow at that, and I knew they heard it, anyway. I fumbled to cover with, “Goodnight!”

I shuffled in place and rolled over to my other side, ignoring the way Aris cleared their throat, covering what would be a laugh.

“Goodnight.”

The night faded into darkness, crawling by in long strokes. I faded in and out of sleep, restless, my inner instincts feeling trapped in the sleeping bag with Aris just as much as I felt secure in their presence. I was always told that werewolves have a delicate balance: half wild and half civil, the instincts of the wolf intricately interwoven with the intelligence of the human.

But I was wolf and mountain lion and human, and even my simple instincts were overrun with conflicting feelings.

Those thoughts kept turning in my head, over and over, and I hadn’t even realized Aris was awake until I felt the faintest press of their hand against my back, catching my attention.

I stiffened, and their hand retreated instantly.

“Sorry,” I whispered. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“What’s wrong?” Aris murmured, ignoring my apology entirely. I swallowed and turned over again, facing them, my breath catching in my throat when I saw the look on their face. I could see near-perfectly in the dark, even in human form, and there was no mistaking the concern on their face, not when we were so close that I could feel the soft brush of their breath mingling with mine.

Aris looked like they expected an honest answer, so I shrugged, “I can’t sleep in new places. I can’t relax.”

“I’m here,” Aris said simply. I stared at them, but they didn’t seem keen to elucidate that, and so we watched each other in pitch darkness, our every emotion visible as if it were broad daylight. They couldn’t hide from my night vision just as I couldn’t hide from theirs, but nothing on their face revealed the implications of that single statement.

Aris was here, like always, but why did my heart still race like it was the very first time?

“You make it sound simple,” I finally admitted quietly. “It’s not like I want to toss and turn all night. I’m tired after walking all day but I can’t just switch my brain off.”

Aris’s expression softened. “Instincts don’t always listen to reason. Or exhaustion.”

I nodded, just once, and by the look on their face, I knew they had the same conflicting emotions I had about our sleeping arrangement. It was an advantage to be together, where we knew the other one was alive and safe, but it was just as debilitating to be so close.

“You need sleep,” Aris finally said, and I shot them an exasperated look. Hadn’t I just explained why I struggled to sleep? At my expression, they opened their arms as much as they could within the confines of the sleeping bag, inviting me closer with a silent, weighted look.

I hesitated, just for a single fleeting moment, and then I wiggled closer, tucking myself into the security of their embrace. I rested my head on their chest, their frenetic heartbeat echoing under my ear. They wrapped their arms around me, holding me tight, enveloping me in a warmth that finally, finally loosened that tightness in my spine.

I let out a soft breath, and Aris rested their chin on the crown of my head, their arms holding me fast, their heartbeat still running rampant at the closeness.

“Go to sleep,” Aris told me, their words rumbling in their chest. “I will protect you with my life.”

“You need sleep, too,” I mumbled back, my voice already heavy with sleep. My eyes slid closed while my breathing evened out, but I didn’t miss the final whisper above my head.

“I just need you to be safe.”

[honeyymistt]

Hi, hun i wanna share something i did a mistake to a very kind friend its was i opened up too much and to be hosent i overwheelem them then they told me how they felt etc and i have noticed somethings like our convos werent the same and its was always one sided and my messges rarely got answers and my asks too also buy the time passed i noticed that they lost intereset in me and i realized our friendship is fading away cus of me.. yesterday i have send them a ask about this telling how i felt about this and i also said that they desvere better people than me and they shouldnt be friends with me and how i realized how it faded away and also said my good wishes to them and i also said that i must take my leave before i hurt them more and gave a pic to them as a gift and to make it up to them and i told them to not to feel bad about me and lastly i said my goodbyes to them then i have broke contect with them since them am trying to recover and be kinder to myself of course i discard my mind with writing and watching avatar the last air bender etc i try to be clam and kind to myself and i belive i will be more kinder in the future even tho i cry often i hopefully will be ok i was just wondering what do you think about this and do you have any selfcare ideas

Note: also since then i try to keep my asks happy as possabile but now am wondering about your view and your thoughts and one more am sorry if i ever come to overwheelem you in any shape of from and if this asks overwheelems you, you can delete it i just dont want to do the same mistake again cus something similer like that happned with my sister but the difference is i didnt quite understand my mistake etc and now i dont wanna do the same things again mostlikey i dont want them to define me but thank you for your time and kindnees ❤❤

i think if i could tell you one thing, it's to not be too hard on yourself but also take the time to recognize where you went wrong - so it seems like you're on the right track!!!

first: please don't think that you're a horrible friend. i think a lot of people tend to talk about themselves and accidentally treat their friends as therapists which can be stressful and overwhelming so i would encourage you to approach it as a lesson to ask friends before venting if they're in the right mental space to hear it.

second: show yourself some compassion. my guess is that you're younger than me so you're still learning!!! let yourself make mistakes but don't beat yourself up for it. some days will be harder than others but you'll get through it. you will meet so many new people and you will find other friends and have a chance to show a newer, more mature and empathetic side of yourself

lastly: there is no issue with coming to my inbox if you need to! i know my own boundaries and i close my inbox when i sense that I'm overwhelmed with school/am going through personal issues, etc. at the moment, I'm doing well and i don't force myself to reply to things within a certain amount of time like i used to. i will always post an announcement before closing my inbox too!!

sending you hugs and support <3 stay strong and be kind to yourself!!!

[chumpmagump]

24 things you've learned about your 24th year on this planet. 1. After having lots of trouble with love and loss, I've learned I will be ok. Remember you are growing into the woman you are are piece by piece.. reclaiming the person you were before the rest of them thought it was okay to take you away from yourself and you thought it was okay to let them. Many will come and go, but you dont have to lose a piece of yourself with them. Be strong, don't let them. 2. It is okay to love someone but not like them. It is okay to have compassion and empathy yet still hold your ground that you deserve better treatment. Compassion is not synonymous with lack of boundaries. 3. After talking to your therapist and doing some hardcore reflection you know you show traits of bipolar disorder or borderline personality. Your therapist thinks its bipolar, you're pretty sure its BPD.. this hurts because BPD is stigmatised to the shit house - you would almost rather have bipolar. You work in a hospital where BPD presentations are rampant and you diagnose them in your assessments a lot. Your coworkers like to say things like '' we got another borderline up in ED...'' as if its a massive inconvenience. You feel kind of weird being a 'quiet' borderline because you function quite well but know you have this fucked up secret that you keep from others for fear of judgement. Your behaviour isnt affecting your functioning enough to warrant a diagnosis. But that doesnt mean your experience isnt true. You're good at recognising when your triggered and where it originates from, and actively pull back more and more from impulsive decisions. You can sit with your emotion at times and you've stopped abusing phenergan and have been self harm clean for almost a year now? so yay for you regulating more of yourself! 4. You realise searching for validation only leads to experiences of invalidation. Stop doing it. 5. You're good at empathising to a point where you find it hard to be angry at others for long, you sometimes tolerate too much because you can reason with the persons reasoning for acting the way they are. You shouldnt mistake this for respect, because its not. You still need self-respect. 6. Making spontaneous choices has led to some new experiences, like changing jobs, moving towns, meeting new people. You've learned you've missed out a lot in your last 5 years of 20 hood because of fear of rejection/anxiety/ unsafe situation phobia. but now thats all you want to do, you fear staying static for too long more than you do change. You're ready for new exciting things. 7. Friendships matter way more than romance ever will. Build your friendships and you will always feel connected and OK no matter what the status of your dating life is. 8. Going for solitude car trips with your music blaring, singing meaningfully, on a road in the dark to no particular, with no particular deadline is your muse. You spend a lot of time in your thoughts and with yourself, and sometimes you imagine being in company when the loneliness hits. But funnily enough when company does finally arrive, you yearn for the space you had with yourself. Honour that time. 9. What you make of this life literally doesnt fucking matter. You will be born again. You will never get another chance to be in this body, with this family, with these friends, in this place, at this time though. Do whatever you can to enrich your experience and dont worry about if other people are having a better time. Concern yourself with your own experience. 10. You validate yourself. Stop asking your friends what you think you should do about a situation, dont feel the need to tell them every situaiton thats going on with you to hear their perspective. Listen to your own voice. You dont listen to her enough. 11. You dont actually have to put up with people being rude to you anymore, you can voice that things bother you. You're not quite there when it comes to friends you dont know too well.. or family you know blow up easily, but you're less of a people pleaser somewhat and i'm proud

of you for that effort.

12. You realise you need to stop seeking validation that others have hurt you. If it hurts it hurts. Simple as that. 13. Trust a person by their actions waaaaaaaaaaaay more than their words. And give a person 6 months. They tend to send their representative first for a while. 14. Sometimes you dream up people without knowing first who they are. Its ok to do this but don't be surprised when they dont fit the version you had of them in your head. Sometimes living in fantasy is far more intoxicating than what comes to fruition. Sometimes i wish i only knew some people for the period of time where they were warm to my heart.

15. Keep going to therapy, its doing amazing things and slowly but surely helping you change your procedurally learned patterns of behaviour including the desire and panic to want to fix social relationships that sometimes shouldnt be fixed. If someone did something shitty to you, and they are upset with YOU , for whatever reason- this does not mean what they did to you is void. It may even mean they are deflecting and gaslighting you. Get out of there and you know dont like goodbyes of any kind. so in this case slowly drop off contact. 16. people cant read your mind with how your feeling, so tell them.. what they do with that information is on them after that.

17. you dont have to take pictures of everything. You will remember the experience more if you dont. 18. Drink your damn coffee!! its not going to stain your teeth anymore. you are so diligent with your skin and teeth care, you deserve to live a little.

19. Dont have sex with friends, just dont. its messy.

20. Just because someone doesnt choose you, doesnt mean you arent good enough. It means they're blind, theyre not meant for you, or better doors are opening. Sometimes you need to shut a few doors for some to open. Trust the process. 21. Its time to start doing the things yu have said you were going to do for years. Its time to sign up for that dance class, its time to start writing again (and you have been!), its time to start stretching (and you have been!), its time to finish your courses (and you have been chipping away!). The best thing is you are so motivated right now to do all of these things. They no longer feel like words, they feel like happenings. 22. Your body and mind is so much stronger than you think. You are managing a 23 + caseload, and working across emergency and intake. You sometimes dont have a lunch break and work 9 hour days at times. You still have the ability to relay information and type notes at great speed, connect with clients at a great depth and come to eat, shower and have been dedicating time to study and friends. Your body is a machine, and you are so much more robust than you give yourself credit for. People look at you and see a small petite typical white girl, but you are strength! 23. You have learned sex can be a safe and very enjoyable experience this year very recently. Even though the partner turned out to be a careless character emotionally within the friendship, you were able to experience what it was like to be that connected with someone sensually in such an intense way which was a first for you. Now you know what kind of sex you like - well you always did but now you know it exists. Good for you.

24. You spend the most time by yourself with yourself. Validate your own experiences and try to interrupt the fantasy that you should be waiting for someone else to enhance or witness it. i know you like to think about what it would be like to sing in the car with someone next to you, or to laugh about a ridiculous vine and hear someone elses laughter drown out your own, or to dance around your house and have someone watch you in awe... but its okay to be your own witness. This is one is probably the hardest ones of them all... All you've ever wanted is to feel seen. You fantasize about it all time, you live in fantasy because atleast you can always feel seen there. You're not so sure if you put yourself out there you'll leave feeling more discarded and invisible than before. This way its safer. It's time to witness you. It's time for 25. A year full of spontaneity, new experiences, enhanced friendships, self validation and enormous growth.

It's finally time to stop hiding from people, pleasurable experiences and desire.

It's time for 25.

[merlinmyrddin]

How has your community reacted to you coming out? I'm so worried about coming out in mine :(

[Tw gender dysphoria; tw abuse ; tw coming out]

Hi anon! xx

I wish I could tell you it was all rainbows and hugs, trust me, I wish I could. But...

I came out as transgender a first time about ten (10) years ago. At the time, I was living in France, and I already faced some challenges when I came out as homosexual. Some of my friends were supportive, but they had no clue about gender and/or sexuality so it was akward, for everybody. And then they were the others. At the time, my college was really unsupportive, my family was abusive and I was the freak in town. I was told by adults it was my fault if I was beaten up, because I looked liked that. There's a point, especially when you are just a teen in a small town, where people can beat the queerness out of you. And they did, and it worked on me. Up until last year, I was living my life as female presenting in heterosexual relationships. My trauma went this deep... I was so deep in the closest I was crowned Prince of Narnia.

The years passed by, and with it, the common knowledge regarding LGBTQ+ matters became more accessible. When I used to say I was a boy a decade ago, I was met with slurs, jokes, death threats and a significant lack of understanding. Now, when I say I'm a man, people are not afraid anymore to use the "transgender" adjective, people ask about pronouns and a name. Again, it's not all easy, and the lenghty discussion regarding gender identities are inevitable, but I take this as a benediction : I'd rather explain it for six hours rather than being hate-crime within ten minutes. It takes patience...be patient with the people around you. Most of them truly want to support you, but don't understand, and how could we blame them? If someone never experience gender dysphoria, explaining it to them is hard. Really hard.

When I finally came out again this year, things had change then. First of all, I have the chance to be living in one of the most open minded city in the UK, which makes a massive different in how one might experience their coming out. Second, my situation also evolved: I am now managing a few cafes, which gives me a certain amount of confidence regarding coming out in the workplace : from people management to discrimination in the workplace, I have the tools to handle it. Thirdly, as an adult, I have my own found family, and was able to discard my blood one. And my found family is supportive and understanding. For most of my friends/colleagues/social circle, I am the first transgender person they ever met, the first transgender coming out they experienced, so I have the provilege and the challenge to explain the struggles of it to them. It's a never ending coming out, intrusive or sometimes just silly questions, but it's coming from a place of care, not hate, and it's your job to speak about your own boundaries. You don't have to answer all the questions you're being asked, you are entitled to your own privacy. Life has also paid back its debt to me, and it happened that one of my very good friend is the daughter of a transgender woman who's an advocate for trans rights for decades now, which has allowed me to have someone to rely on, to talk about my fears and struggles.

The best advice I can give you is to check your local lgbtq+ association/support group, which will give you the opportunity to speak to someone face to face about it, and to have a physical anchor helping you through a coming out. Then, be ready for people to ask you questions of which you dont know the answers : do not feel like you have to be able to recite three gender studies and essays to be valid. And finally, and it's not something someone who has not come out yet wants to hear, but be prepared to be hurt. From misgendering you accidentally - or not- to bigoted remarks and all this crap, be ready for it.

Finally, something I don't see a lot of transgender people talking about : the relation to your own body post coming out. I came out twice, and twice my gender dysphoria worsen after coming out. When I was not yet out, my dysphoria was lurking but I was female presenting in social environment so they was no real expectations. My dysphoria was between the mirror and myself. Post coming-out, my disphoria is between the world and myself. I felt so self-aware : my voice, my chest, my hips... my ears (gender dysphoria is weird ) asking people to refer to me as "he" whilst checking every reflective surface to see if "I pass". It's why I truly believe having someone supporting you is highly important.

That said anon, or any body else reading this, you are more than welcome to private message me anytime. I have no PhD, no degree, I'm just a working class transgender man working through his traumas, but I'm always here to listen. If you have any questions, even if you think it's silly, or any fears or just someone close to you came out as transgender and you want to support them : please message me, I'll be there. No taboo, no forbidden questions. My own experience is for you to dissect, and if whatever I say helps you, then it's a small victory for myself, for you and for the community ❤

[sukirichi]

[ BROKEN RECORDS ; asks ] 

💌 — love letter from @kyriaan​

from track 007. 

Okay okay im still kinda meh'ish' but i really wanted to answer you so 😭 ill try to compile both my answer to your answer on my love letter and my hyped review on track 7 <3 so yeah another long ass rant from me 😩💕Suki... Suki pls I totally forgot Tsumu had a crush on us Suki... And then poor Tsumu ir there sulking cause he still likes u- JFBFBDVDVSJCHDHSIA omfg i wanted so much to hug him my baby I like him so much 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 and he was trying so hard to behave while just sitting there sad fhfhfvbbshsjfhbdjaofhffhsoshd TSUMU YOU'RE STILL IN MY TOP 3 BABY 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂 

And then you throw the whole dancing scene with suna and I dont know whos on my top 3 anymore 🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 SUKIIIIIIII THAT SCENE ALONE GJGJBFBSJCNFNKSOSNF OMFG IM FALLING SO HARD FOR SUNA I THINK? I think my top 3 had 4 dudes in it cause 3rd place has Suna and Atsumu tied?? Hfhfbfbfhdhsja I CANT PICK?? BUT BUT I WAS FEELING STUPIDLY DOWN WHEN READING THAT AND THAT SCENE ALONE MADE ME FEEL SO SOFT IT WAS SO CUTE AND OMG IF SUNA DID THAT TO ME I WOULD DROP ON MY KNEES AND ASK HIM TO MARRY ME CAUSE OMFGGGFFFF DUDE EVEN WENT AHEAD AND SAID THAT WHOLE 'HES GOING TO BE ONE LUCKY GUY'

Oh shit im crying again that scene lets me emotional 😭😭😭😭 someone get me a sunrin irl pls

Anyways the way that suna knows y/n is just.... FUCKING END UP TOGETHER ALREADY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST JBVSHSJBEHSISJ

Also how powerful are we?? HOW FUCKING POWERFUL ARE WE TO SCORE SUNA KITA AND TSUMU?? ARE YOU GONNA TELL. ME IF OIKAWA MOFO TOORU APPEARED HE WOULD ALSO BE ON HIS KNEES FOR US?? (okay no wait... No nooo i would legit drop anyones ass for tooru hes that powerful for me like sorry suna was fun but TOORU)

Yo nah but the whole Kita sex scene- let me breath bestie LET ME BREATH CAUSE I WAS HOT BUT AT SAME TIME I WAS FEELING GUILTY 😂😂😂😂 ESPECIALLY WHEN HE WAS FEELING DISAPPOINTED NEXT DAY LIKE KITA PLS BABY WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING?? 😬😬😬😬 But at same time his 'ill fuck the thought of him out of you tonight' I ALMOST MOANED YASSSSS TELL ME DADDY HOLY SHITTTTT

👀👀👀👀 Still not a kita simp ✌️✌️🤏✌️

Okay Kita deserves the best tho I mean okay he went there as a y/n mom's plan but he did ended up helping alot... Especially cause he knows no matter what y/n heart will always be suna's and pls give Kita the best ending possible cause he deserves someone who will trully love him and show him the world cause mah boy deserves it

*breaths in breaths out* i hated this scene- not in a bad way but shit i hate rejections... To the point im kinda afraid of confessing now cause i despise the feeling of being rejected... The best i can descrive it it like this coldness in your chest that descends your whole body and then you feel frozen in place.. Thats how it feels for me I hate it I absolutely despise it- its also the feeling i have when in a really bad situation and ugh...

The suna part made. Me feel this no matter how many times i reread it the feeling doesnt lessen it keeps being there cause (okay you probably are tired already of me saying this but) Suki I feel like I cant put it in words how much of a fucking good of a writer you are. Ill go ahead and say you are by far my favorite writer the fact i always feel so engaged and the fact i always feel like im there its just- it blows my mind.

I felt like suna was personally rejecting me and i hated it- i swear the moment he said prove it I almost screamed HOW? My brain had to take a moment to just slap me and say: 'kya you reading this is not happening chill-' cause i was already sobbing uncontrollably... I even whimpered the dont leave me 😬 my sadass went to bed feeling so sad thanks to suna... Man i wanted so much to hug him and i swear i would give him as much love as he gave y/n cause well i kin suna alot in this series cause im like that im a giver i treat others the way i would like to be treated (reason why ive been down lately ✌️) and i cant blame suna for finally setting boundaries- his call tho 'do i not stand a chance with you anymore y/n? Are you really not capable of falling in love with me?".... Oh suna... We are in love with you.. We always were we're just fucking stupid 😩

Also mari pls go jump off a cliff <3 youre in need dear cause sleeping with other man just to separate suna and y/n <3 i want so much to punch her 🙂🙃

Now for the love letter part (im so sorry for this being so long ✌️)

You said that if we asked suna he woukd say that he genuinely loved mari okay... Ill go ahead and say yes he liked mari he even learned how to love her and he genuinely cared for her BUT and heres where my personal view comes in so maybe ill be biased here still for me that was just a he loves her as in he cares you also love your friends and care for them but he didnt love her- and by this I mean- he could never be fully committed for her. Yes he loved her and he felt happy with her but like track 7 proved everything he would do in the back of his mind was y/n he deeply wished Mari was her and for that he just loved Mari cause he learned how to care about her- but he never forgot who he trully was in love it. Also the happiness he experienced with Mari was pretty much the one I experienced the bliss of having someone there and that bliss also made suna turn a blind eye to all the red flags from Mari cause to him all the jealousy meant she cared and thats toxic but suna was so desperate for some sort of 'she cares' that even all the possessiveness was bliss for him... And that makes my heart clench for suna...

'suna had to put an effort for the relationship' and saddly i feel like mari didnt... Mari didnt care mari was there because she was a fangirl of suna and got lucky, the way she just discarded him so effortlessly that proved-screamed how much she loved him- she didnt. She was just possessive over him she liked the whole 'hes mine' dynamic and suna was the perfect boyfriend cause he was giving her the world... What he wanted someone to do for him.

Also yeah suna and y/n might have been spurred from them being fuck buddies but well love doesnt really have an agenda- they just clicked, understood each other and had chemistry yeah they had tons and tons of sex but feelings started not because of sex but thanks to their deep connection... Also that dsncing scene in track 7 that alone spoke for their whole relationship- that alone is enough to defend their feelings for each other- yes it might jave started just as fuck buddies but ended up in them loving each other deeply and that is enough love after all doesnt need a perfect start. It can start out of the most stupid ways.

You said life with excitement and fun wouldn't be permanent or real.. Honestly i think it could be.. Cause i mean when you love someone that deeply your life always feels exciting even with the littlest things and that the purest kind of love. Even just going for a walk at the beach would be fun for them or even staying up watching movies i believe suna and y/n would always find a way to make their lofe exciting without much effort.

Also it kinda makes me. Sad when i see some anon saying that y/n and suna relationship are toxic? It makes me. Confused maybe because I was in such extremely toxic one (girl i sweat if you search for toxic relationship my ex's face will be there as an example 🙄) that Mari to me screams toxic! Possessive, manipulative, jealous and a few more if I think closely about it while with y/n and suna they are just two idiots that are hurting each other cause they're just that: idiots one that is afraid to get hurt and the other that keeps hoping- dont get me wrong what they're doing is not healthy but i dont find it toxic honestly

Sorry for the extreme long rant 8D I tried to keep it short but you always make me so hyped to talk about your works 😩

Hfbfbfhfhfieia

[ from saeren ]

NAHHH CUZ I LOVE TSUMU SO MUCH HERE HE WAS SO PRECIOUS. I didn’t write too much about them in college but Atsumu was so cute when he crushed on YN. he was always sending her memes and cute texts like “have you eaten” “good morning” and she’d feel so awkward because she doesn’t know how to let him down easy without hurting him. either way tsumu would feel hurt. AND YES PLS HE WAS SO SAD I MEAN, HIS CRUSH AND HIS BEST FRIEND NEARLY HAD SEX RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM SO THAT’S GOING TO HURT

SUNA AND ATSUMU TIED?? tbh I loved that dancing scene bcos suna is one of my faves and I really wanna do that with him hehehhehe. NAHHH PLEASE SAME IF SUNA DANCED WITH ME AND MADE A WEDDING PLAYLIST I’D BE LIKE boy what’re u waiting for let’s get married now !! n yes he said whoever YN will choose in the future will be one lucky guy IM SOBBING RN

naur cuz. there’s something about dating your best friend. I’m not saying a boyfriend wouldn’t know you as well but there’s something different when you’re best friends first. they could literally share eye contact and have a long ass conversation just from that. their connection is different.

HAJKALA AS FOR THE POWER, BR! YN IS A VERY CHARISMATIC AND FRIENDLY PERSON !! she’s like one of those people you meet that not only are they attractive as hell, but they’re also super approachable and down to earth. that’s why she’s so popular + she’s flirty and can make a stranger feel welcome or comfortable in the first meeting. SGSHJAK I WAS ACTUALLY PLANNING TO ADD OIKAWA HERE BUT I WANNA MAKE IT MORE INARIZAKI CENTRED

the seggs scene with kita SOBSSSS he’s such a soft dom IDC he knows where the clit is, he knows how to hit it. he’s a “your pleasure first before mine” type of guy. kita is perfect, PERIODT. HE GIVES DADDY VIBES HUH AHSKAA HE’S SO SWEET YET SEXY IM IN LOVE WITH HIM ISTG IF SUNA WASN’T OUR BEST FRIEND THEN I’D RUN FOR KITA ALL THE TIME. and I agree, kita deserves the best !! and don’t worry, I actually plan on giving kita the best ending, I promise you he’ll be fine (slight spoiler there)

 YESSSSS OMG I’VE BEEN REJECTED BEFORE AND THAT’S EXACTLY HOW I FELT, MY BODY WAS SO COLD AND I WAS SO CONFUSED LIKE IT MAKES YOU THINK. am I not good enough, did I do something wrong, do you not wanna give me a chance or try it out but ofc I’d never say that out loud. AND KYAAA AAAH IM YOUR FAVORITE WRITER??? NO CUZ YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE ME CRY. I remember ur asks way back reckless era and you used to tell me that my writing made you picture the scenes easily and you felt you were there in that moment and I’m just so grateful thank you so much <33

NO BCOS WHEN SUNA SAID “prove it” I was like. this is it. that’s his hot boy shit moment. man’s has had enough of being thrown from one toxic relationship to another and he also deserves his good moments yknow. and you kin suna here?? BESTIE IM SORRY TO HEAR THAT, SUNA’S BEEN THROUGH A LOT HERE AHSJAKA. that’s true about suna tho !! he’s definitely affectionate + a giver. he’s happy being the one who gives most of the time but he’s a human as well, ofc he’d want to receive the same amount of love back. ALSO HIS PHONE CALLLLLL ugh tbh that part was the one that made me the saddest bcos he’s just. he wants to know if there’s really no more chance. all this time he never gave up. but he’s also tired so if yn says ‘no more’ then he’ll give up. its his way of respecting himself too ahsjaka

YOOOOO I AGREE WITH THAT. he cares for mari as a person but not 100% as a lover. but ofc he’s still thankful for how happy she made him because she was there at his worst. and that’s true, deep down suna still wishes that it was YN who’s right beside him. he will always ALWAYS want her back. he learned how to love mari in a way that was more out of mutual care but not in the way he loves YN. no that’s reserved only for YN – she will remain no 1 in his heart. AND YESSSSS the reason why suna overlooked the red flags was bcos to him, its something that was supposed to be “normal” like no perfect partner existed. he thought mari’s attitude of pushing YN away was normal, and its normal to want your partner’s best friend keep some distance but not to the point of mari’s place where she literally wants the two of them to cut each other out of their lives.

and aww I’m so happy that you realized how I wanted to portray suna and yn’s relationship. they’re….like the definition of youth in its freest form. they were fucking around and doing stupid things, but they had a connection. they had something deeper than just sexual intimacy. even if they never dated or even if YN never proposed the idea of it, they would’ve actually been still great friends. and oooh I actually don’t remember saying life with excitement and fun wouldn’t be real HAHAHAHA so I can’t comment further on that. but I think when I ‘said’ those I probably meant that it’s not always going to be all rainbows and unicorns in a relationship. there’s no such thing as a relationship that’s always happy and sweet 24/7, but ofc it can be sweet and it can be pure even with the little things <33 they just need to work on it.

hmmm tbhhhh… suna and yn are toxic in a way that they refuse to let each other go when they clearly can’t meet halfway. toxic doesn’t have to be limited in just being mari-like in which they are possessive or manipulative, because then if we’d drive deeper into yn’s personality, then she’d be stringing suna all along and that’s unfair of her. she knows suna wants more and yet she remained being friends with him, which totally isn’t a bad thing, but it’s because she keeps flirting with him and is so romantically comfortable with him that she doesn’t realize it’s hurting suna because he’ll give double meanings to that. their relationship is ‘toxic’ because they’re not entirely good for each other, they’re not that ready to be with one another yet and neither is the world letting them be in peace, so forcing their relationship to a point they’re hurting another is the toxic part.

[ from @kyriaan ]

Ah also not me feeling all proud and mushy cause my analysis made you mind blown fjfbdnsjdkpa 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 I guess its also because i see this story as a really big mirror of my own toxic relationship sonits extremely easy for me to get it... And oh boy the way i kin suna here

But dhdhfjdospdhfbsoa 🥺🥺🥺🥺 i feel happy now *huggles*

[ from saeren ] 

and aah yes ofc, I’m really happy whenever someone can see the underlying details I scatter throughout the story !! yeah omg same hahahaha broken records is also half inspired by the toxic people I’ve met. I kin kita here tho and I’m so glad you’re happier now !!

[highlonelylustfull]

1- July-2021

Today I had the first session with my mom and Mark. He immediately zeroed in on my and my defeatedness which was brought up by Dr. White in FL as well when I had a session with her and my mom. She noted how immediately my posture and demeanour changed. The default of compliance, knowing that I am not about to honestly and openly express myself with my mom as she's not able to handle it, and so I just comply and get smaller. Thats the only way that I can cope at this point is to emotionally detach.

Mark asked for a weekly recap and I was honestly about some highs and lows, when he asked mom the same thing she talked about how busy she is and then the rest of it was about Lariel which is annoying, avoidant, and copdepenant to think that someone else's news counts as your experience. Enmeshment.

She said that our conversations don't feel fake or superficial to her, which is alarming but also maybe she is incapable of having the kinds of conversations I would like to have. She at least acknowledged the underlying tension and the avoidance of certain topics.

When she read me her fears for me she got emotional and talked about basically my everyday reality. She said that I have been hit harder than any kid and am constantly being thrown curveballs and trauma, and she's worried that I won't be able to blossom or having an easy life. I didn't understand the fear in that because its all true. Mark and I were both nodding the whole time in agreement as in yes that is true and yes my life is hard and yes a lot of shit happens to me and no it does not stop and no I do not get a break. It was frustrating to see that she clearly doesn't see how her behaviour is contributing to making my life so FUCKING HARD. She is the biggest headache in my day to day life, she continually throws curveballs AT me and then gets upset at how I react making it even worse. She is the most stressful traumatic thing in my life hands down and that is why this is at such a breaking point for me. I need something to change in the way or boundaries, her behaviour, her communication, or just cutting her out of my life and looking for support in other ways. I said int he session that I feel like I can't put my whole weight on her and I have been actively seeking out other resources to help me because I can't trust her support.

When she was reading the assignment to me she acknowladged that she is growing mentally and emotionally and I am as well, both at different stages of our lives. So that gives me a little hope that she is becoming aware of her own faults and is becoming willing to work on her part of this relationship.

She misremebered the I am and have been doing everything in my power to better OUR relationship to bettering MYSELF. She acknowledged it and while that is true that I am and have been constantly bettering myself it discards the entire relationship aspect. She seemed to have a hard time saying or seeing that our relationship is/has shattered in a lot of ways, and added on to how important she is to me.

When I got to the fear.. that was rough. I didn't know if I could even say it as I was tearing up and had the biggest knot in my throat. Eventually I did, and she seemed taken a back, and left out my fear of the relationship ending or being irreparably damaged-clearly she doesn't feel that way even though she threatens me with it.

When it got to why I love her she waited for more I only could muster up two things one of which was a memory because at this point I have so little respect for her that I dont know why I love her other than she's my mother and so I am biologically programmed to withstand the throws of the relationship and try and better it because I'm her daughter. Which now that I think of it is something she drilled into my head about Ralph. That he's my father so I have to have him in my life and he's my father so that justifies a multitude of sins. I could see that she was underwhelmed or maybe even hurt by the lack of embellishment.

But what the fuck am I supposed to say? I literally called Riley last nights to give me ideas and remind me why I love my mother because all the things I love and value about most people.. she doesn't have. She is not loyal, she is not independent or strong, she is not loving ad nurturing all the time (so that didn't feel completely genuine to say), she isn't woke or working on herself, she isn't accountable, she isn't trustworthy, she isn't ride or die. A lot of the things I loved about my mom, things I used to brag about my mom are no longer true for me. She no longer is my best friend she is a constant source of trauma, pain, and material for group and therapy. She is constantly dissaponting me and being insincere and fake. I no longer feel like a priority on her list nor do I feel cared for or even taken into account. I feel like she is holding on to me with one hand and I am trying to get out of her grasp and just get some air but every fucking time, she pushes me down further and adds more mountain to climb. It feels like a never-ending story of Cali is mentally ill and I am a mom so therefore I am clearly not in the wrong or whatever other excuse she deems relevant. and I just have to eat it and drown a little more. It was hard hearing her talk about how hard and traumatic my life is and her just being so fucking blissfully unaware that SHE is the hardest, more traumatic, stressful, largest hurdle that I face in my daily life. That is why I am so fucking committed to fixing this and why I have and am putting so much of myself into this process because it is life or death for me. This is my breaking point. I can't live with this fake ass shit anymore and either the relationship gets better or I will have to cut her out or set firm boundaries and find other support and stability in my life because it is NOT her.

Then after we both finished, Mark asked her to recap how she felt about the assignment, the active listening, and about the content. She gave some bullshit dull answer, and Mark (THANK GOD) persisted that she be more specific. She basically blamed me and my "black and white thinking" as for the reason that I would feel that she is willing and able to cut me off at the drop of a hat. I asked to elaborate and reminded her of the conversation where she clearly threatened me saying "Just how much money do you need. You clearly want to divorce me, so how much money do you need!". She stated that thats not how she remembers the conversation and that actually she was setting a "boundary" with me and "clarifying" about where the financial support was going to come from and setting an emotional boundary with me about what she was not willing to discuss with me at that time... Then our time was up and Mark recaps that he feels like he's leaving us hanging but that ya know Rome wasn't built in a day and these things take time.

Overall I feel like it was a good first step to starting to dig into the REAL problem and exposing how deeply I am hurt and how immense this problem really is.