#SH Season 3

[tscclace]

"But she'd want you to move on. To find someone else"

"There is no one else"

Shadowhunters 3x22

"I don’t know if that’s why he is the way he is, or if it’s just the way he’s made, but he won’t get over you, Clary. He can’t."

City of Glass

So many times since Clary died, Janus had swung around thinking he would see her, hoping desperately for a ghost, for a whisper, for anything but this endless darkness without her.

Ghosts of the Shadow Market

[foolishfantasia]

People who still think Infinity Train got cancelled because they, sanded a character to bits, cremated a conscious white man, and okayed a monster with severed arms make me laugh because Owen, the man, Dennis has already confirmed that CN & HBO had no problem with their insane deadly ideas. If anything they were pretty quick to approve them.

Yah wanna know what didn't get approved so quickly/approved begrudgingly? Jesse's American Indian/Native heritage and the Rymin's heartfelt conversation about how it isn't easy to be Asian American/Asian Canadian in any creative industry. Why did Jesse being himself take 7 months to be approved? What did Dennis mean when he said a similar thing happened with Min and Ryan?

[dailyfigures]

Robbie The Rabbit ; Silent Hill 3 ☆ Good Smile Company

[kaddyssammlung]

Heartstopper (Netflix Season 3)

[behindthesefangirleyes]

Re-reading Charlie’s relapse in Solitaire makes me certain that as much as I’d have preferred it more fleshed out in season 3, I wouldn’t be able to cope with Tori cursing Nick out over the phone.

That said …

The way that we see Nick’s anxiety mounting in the back half of season 3 can be believably linked to that interaction. We know from Tori’s POV that she’s furious, but she acknowledges the fact that Nick will redeem himself in her eyes (she almost immediately acknowledges it, as well).

But Nick doesn’t know that. All he knows is he’s the “bastard” whose “fault” it is for the relapse since he “left”. Which ties in so seamlessly with Nick worrying about leaving Charlie for uni and later, his resentment at Charlie acting like he’s leaving him behind (in N&C) as he starts trying to prepare for life after Truham.

[valentinbelleyh505]

corporate needs you to find the differences between these two pictures /ref

[sonnetforbonnet]

Don't Stream on Max, Stream Scavengers Reign on Netflix!

Hey, Don’t Stream On Max folks! If you have Netflix, stream Scavengers Reign! Show Max just what kind of success they’re missing out on! Who knows, maybe Netflix will renew it for a S2?

@saveofmdcrewmates @adoptourcrew

[lunabug2004]

If Mike's monologue was supposed to be some grand confession of love that empowered El enough to save the world (which we already know didn't happen but just hear me out), why would they, not too long after, make obvious regard to Max's lines: "there's more to life than stupid boys," "not Hopper, not Mike, you" etc, then a little later after that cut to a scene where El isn't even talking to Mike?

And even though I know those lines alone may not seem to counter Mike's confession in real time in the show, anyone who's watched the previous seasons would remember those lines from when Max was basically convincing El that Mike didn't love her like he should, or at least that his love wasn't the end all be all. Which if Mike's confession was supposed to be so powerful, why would they remind us of El's independence being so important to her after we watch Max die? After his "powerful confession" doesn't save the day?

Just seems weird.

[neorukixart]

Now more than ever, I'm sure Luz would have Coatlmon as partner so my hand slipped uwu (yes, it also helps that it's an Armor Digi with the Digimental or Light😗) Sorry I didn’t drew Stringbean, I just hold very dear into my heart that my TOH journey of Saturdays have been shared with 2 seasons of Digimon (Adv2020 and Ghost Game) ever since TOH began airing so of course I would make crossover :D

Who is interested in the rest of the evo line? :3c because I still don’t know which digis to choose ;w;

[legendofthe3divas]

omg to anyone who is going to watch heartstopper season 3 just be prepared it’s a lot an emotional rollercoaster. it broke me.

and to anyone who has already watched it. how did you get through that? it was really good but oh my. god.

[duahauuoplanh]

if you know you know

[sherlock-is-ace]

Just know that, once again, I'm not normal about Sherlock Holmes. The hyperfixiation has been rekindled.

[emily-in-crisis]

i will forever adore jenny and shane's friendship and hate that the writers made them a couple. there's something so beautiful about the non-romantic intimacy and affection between two lesbians and it was captured so wonderfully with them. they loved eachother dearly and people always interpret the way they loved and supported eachother when they were friends as romantic just because they were heavily touchy with eachother but I never did. platonic love and affection is real and was so evident with them. said love and affection felt so much less authentic when they were coupled up and I will always HATE how they had jenny fall for her best friend. LESBIANS CAN BE BEST FRIENDS WITH NO ROMANTIC UNDERTONES. jenny/shane BROTP supremacy!!!!

[agentplutonium]

I found an old fic of mine that I still really love, so I'm posting it here now i guess. You can read it on AO3 here, if you prefer that format!

General Notes: ~6K, rated T, Cataclysm Fic (cause spooky season is upon us), set between "Tantum Tyrannus" and "Last Wish" and contains spoilers if you've never watched Cataclysm, hurt/comfort Milo/Sweetheart, Sweetheart is referred to as Sneaks in the fic and uses They/Them pronouns, uhhhh I think that's it!! Fic starts below the cut <3

Sneaks wanted to hate Asher for this. They tried to blame him, to make him responsible, so they had somewhere to direct their emotions. Their Milo, their mate, lay in front of them, broken, bloodied, and bruised, and they so desperately wanted to say Asher’s actions were the reason. They wanted to yell and scream at him, make him confess to planting the idea in Milo’s head. Making him realize that even mentioning what he was going to do made Milo believe he had to take Asher’s place. They wanted this to be his fault.

That wasn’t fair, though. Of course it wasn’t. 

Sneaks took a deep breath and squeezed Milo’s tighter where it lay by his side. Their fingers unconsciously curled up around his wrist at times, feeling the pulse just below his skin. A physical reminder that their mate's strong heart was still beating. He was still going, and that was the only thing keeping them sane. Keeping them here, in the dingy med room that they set up in the den. Sneaks wanted to take Milo home, but Marie insisted he stayed until he was conscious. Sneaks couldn’t find it in themselves to fight Marie at the moment, not with how fragile their emotional state was.

Sneaks leaned forward in their chair, bringing Milo’s hand up to their lips to kiss gently, then moving to his pulse point to kiss that as well. A silent promise. To love him until his heart stops beating. To be by his side no matter what.

Asher walked into the room then, a clouded look on his face. Sneaks knew something was up. Could tell just by the energy that he brought into the room. They turned to face him more, their hand never letting go of Milo’s, and before they could even ask what he was doing Asher was talking.

“I got what we wanted. Vincent is out of the equation now too.”

“Got the information that we wanted?” Sneaks repeated, seeing if he’d change the way he said that. It was never we in Asher’s plans, no matter what he told himself.

“What I wanted,” Asher corrected. Good. At least he sees they’re upset about this. He might not think that way but it was a start.

“What do you mean Vincent is no longer in the equation?” Sneaks pressed. “What did you do?”

“Ripped his head off,” Asher said, like it was just a normal Tuesday activity.

“You what?!” Sneaks demanded, finally letting Milo’s fingers slip out of their hand as they stood to face Asher. “Why would you do that?!”

“I got what I needed. I don’t need him anymore.”

“So you kill him?!”

“Would you rather he stayed alive?” Asher demanded. “He was the one that sent us on this mission!”

“You can’t just go killing vampires!”

“Why not?” Asher asked, “it’s not like he was doing any good. I did the world a favour.”

Sneaks could have strangled the Alpha. “You already killed Alexis, a vamp that is highly regarded in the department's eyes, and now Vincent?”

“Vincent is freeborn, that’s why we went to him,” Asher defended. “The department doesn’t care about him.”

“You- ugh!” Sneaks dragged their hands down their face, taking a deep breath in. “I get killing Vincent,” they said slowly, eyes staying closed and voice level, “I would want to kill him too. The difference is you are getting dangerously close to the line which confuses instincts and hard to manage emotions. If that line gets blurred too much, you’re going to get yourself in trouble.”

“You saying the department is going to come after me? For this?”

“In all honesty, no, I don’t. Not Vincent, at least,” Sneaks said, finally looking at Asher again. “But endangering your pack, slacking on your duties to the Department, getting Milo hurt, all of these things are going to start ringing the Department's alarm bells and I won’t be able to help you.”

Asher’s face hardened, and he started shutting down right in front of them. “Are you saying I’m doing this just so the pack gets hurt?”

“It’s starting to seem like it,” Sneaks snapped. “If not the pack, yourself, which will cause the pack to lose yet another Alpha. Do you ever think about what your actions would cause? If you had gone instead of Milo?”

“I was going to go because if I died, I had a reliable system set in my place-“

“If you died, we would have had to go through the process of reinstating another new Alpha two years after we lost the last one. In the middle of a war, might I add-“

“Are you saying I shouldn’t have gone after Alexis at all then?!”

Sneaks threw their hands up in exasperation “No! Yes! I don’t know, Asher! Is getting the vampires on our side this high of a priority?”

Asher clenched his jaw for a second, before saying, “She killed David-“

“So this is about David then, and not the better chances of winning?” Sneaks cut in.

“No!”

“Then what is it, Asher?!” Sneaks demanded, now only a foot away from him. He towered over them this close, and the dark look in his eyes should have been their warning to back off. But they didn’t. They couldn’t. “Please, enlighten me with what you think you had going for yourself here.”

“I was doing what was right,” Asher said through his teeth. “I was doing what was going to further our advances.”

“You should have never gone to Vincent. Just like Milo warned you,” Sneaks spat back. “And even if you did go to Vincent, you should have never taken the bait of killing Alexis.”

“Maybe, if you think you can be a better Alpha than me, you should have spoken up before Milo got hurt.”

Sneaks scoffed, offended by what Asher was implying. “Oh, so it’s my fault that Milo got hurt? It’s my fault that you thought that this was going to work? It’s my fault that you feel guilty, just because you rushed into plans that you didn’t think through?”

“I’m not saying that-”

“Then what are you saying, Asher?”

“I’m saying that I am Alpha, that I am in charge, and I make the decisions here, me. Not you, not Milo, not the pack. Me. And it’s in your best interest right now to just back off.”

“Back off and do what, Asher?!” Sneaks exclaimed, “Watch as you destroy yourself for some revenge plot? For your dead mate, who you know would hate you doing this? Sit here, beside my mate, who may not even fucking wake up because he was so loyal to you and your plans and your goddamn death wish?”

“I can’t control what he does!” Asher yelled back. He was angry now, properly angry, and Sneaks knew that they should probably back down. They should, and yet they found themselves pressing a finger into his chest, digging it in. 

“No, but as his Alpha, you can stop him. You could have stopped him. He could be here, with me, but you decided to bring him along,” Sneaks spat. “He didn’t even tell me what he was doing! He didn’t try to find me, didn’t call me, or text me, he didn’t even try to say goodbye to me-” Sneaks cut themself off with a choked breath, fighting off the sob that cropped up in their chest.

He didn’t even try to say goodbye to them. 

Why wouldn’t he have tried to say goodbye to him? Did he not care? Did he think that they would try and stop him? They would have, but that doesn’t mean he still couldn’t have told them. They could have gone with him, helped him even, he didn’t have to do this alone. Maybe if they had gone with him in the first place, this wouldn’t have happened. They could have protected him. 

Did he not trust them?

“Sneaks-”

“Don’t,” they said, their voice sounding choked. “I don’t want to hear it. Just… what did you originally come in here for, Asher?”

Asher hesitated now, for some reason. Was he second-guessing himself? Did he want them for something, or did he just feel guilty? Did he come to see them so he could say he wasn’t leaving them alone during this? But, he reached into his pocket, pulling out a slightly crumbled piece of paper. He held it out to them and waited.

Sneaks didn’t want to take it. They didn’t feel like entertaining Asher like that. However, their instincts were telling them differently. Asher spoke again after they took the paper. “It’s coordinates. Vincent gave them to me,” he said.

Sneaks was glancing at them quickly, seeing if they could at least figure out the general location. They’d have to put this into their computer if they were going to figure this out, though. “And this will lead you to the person that invokes the new vamps?”

Asher nodded. “Supposedly. I can run them myself, but I figured you’d have more experience with this. It’d be quicker. That, and I also don’t think you’d ever let me do this myself, so, I’m getting it out of the way now.”

“And if I don’t want to help you?” “That’s up to you,” Asher said evenly, “just know you can’t change my mind on this. It’s happening either way.”

Sneaks felt their lips tug into a frown. They didn’t want Asher to go into this blind, or try and find this location by himself, but they weren’t sure they could aid him in this. If something happened to him, and they were involved, Milo would never forgive them. They’d never be able to forgive themself. On the flip side of that, if they don’t help, and Asher gets hurt, they’ll have to live with the fact that they refused to help him.

“Think about it,” Asher said quietly. “I know you have a lot going on in that mind of yours. Just… find me when you make your decision so that I don’t waste my time.”

Asher left without another word, leaving Sneaks by themself in the room. They looked at the paper again, scoffing before shoving the paper into their pocket. They made their way back to their seat beside Milo, leaning their elbows on their knees as their mind started working. 

Rationally, they couldn’t let Asher do this by himself. They loved him, but he was no good with coordinates and the like. He’ll mess something up, or get himself into trouble somehow. He wouldn’t know what to look for, or anything like that. But they didn’t know if they could support him in this. It has already done so much damage, and that wasn’t even what they were looking for. Sneaks sighed, looking at Milo, the cuts he’s acquired that Marie said she was going to come back and try to heal once her energy was back up again. To the arm that Alexis broke, that they couldn’t stop from breaking.

Milo had gone through so much pain, so much torture, that it seemed almost cruel to not aid Asher in finally finishing this off. But could they watch Asher put himself in danger? Would they be able to convince him to take someone with him? There were plenty of pack members who would gladly go. Hell, if they weren’t so worried about Milo they would go with him. If they weren’t afraid of something happening while they were gone, or being called a hypocrite if he woke up while they were gone.

If they said Milo would want to talk to him when he woke up, would Asher stick around long enough to talk sense into him? Would he want to talk to his beta, even if it was to prepare him to become Alpha? 

Their hand had taken Milo’s without them noticing, thumb running over his knuckles.

What would Milo say, if he knew they weren’t going to help Asher in this? Would he be upset, or would he understand? Would Milo even hear them out if they decided not to help him? He would probably be so worried, maybe even try and go after him. In his state that was for sure signing his death sentence, and they couldn’t have that. They couldn’t lose Milo. They barely could stand holding him alive earlier, as broken as he was, they wouldn’t be able to survive this. 

They couldn’t lose Milo. Or Asher.

Their thoughts were interrupted by Marie returning. She smiled at them gently when she saw that they were still there. “I see you haven’t moved much.” “Can you blame me?” “Well, no, but I was hoping you wouldn’t do this. Milo is home now, hun. You can relax a bit.”

Easier said than done, Sneaks thought to themself.

Marie walked up behind them, putting a hand on their shoulder in an attempt to comfort them. “Why don’t you go and make yourself some food? Or even just go for a walk to stretch your legs. You probably need it after spending all this time in here, worrying about Milo.”

Sneaks didn’t want to leave, but they knew that tone in Marie's voice. If they didn’t, she’d drag them out herself. So, with a sullen nod, Sneaks gave Milo’s hand one last squeeze before standing. Before they could step out of the door, Marie called out to them again.

“Thank you. For staying. And for loving my son as much as I do.” When Sneaks turned around, they were sure that they saw tears in Marie’s eyes. They chose to ignore it, not wanting to call the woman out.

“I would do anything for you guys, you know that,” Sneaks said, giving a small smile of their own. “I’ll see you in a bit, Marie.”

They left the woman alone after that, shutting the door with a soft click.

They would do anything for the pack, having been accepted into their family with no hesitation. The least they could do was attempt to protect their Alpha as much as they could.

They grabbed their bag from the entranceway and made their way to Asher’s office. He was never in here, considering it was David’s when he was Alpha. Asher preferred to be out on the field anyway. Taking out their laptop they got to work. Finding where the coordinates were was the easy part, it was getting any relevant information that they could out of it. They wanted to give Asher as much information as possible so he could be prepared. Where they’ve done this before, they knew where to look and even the resources to find the most accurate information. Would this put a flag on them in the long run? Most likely. But they did it anyway, because like hell were they going to half-ass something like this. Besides, if this worked out the way Asher was hoping they don’t have to worry about that.

It took close to an hour to get things compiled and onto a hard drive, but it got done. The next step was to find Asher. 

He shouldn’t be too far, Sneaks thought, it wasn’t like there were many places he can go.

They were right. They ran into Asher in one of the main hallways. He regarded them skeptically as they approached. It was clear he wasn’t sure what they were going to tell him, and they almost took pride in that. They weren’t sure if he should be wary about their answer, or what that says about either of them, but they didn’t think too much about that.

“I’m going to preface this by saying I’m only giving you the information you need,” Sneaks started. “I am not condoning your actions, and I strongly suggest you don’t do this at all. If you do, then at least bring someone with you.”

“I knew you would say that,” Asher said, nodding to them in respect. “You’re not responsible for what I do with this.”

Sneaks nodded as well, hand tightening around the hard drive. With a little hesitation, they thrust out their hand, holding it out. “Everything you need.”

“Thank you,” Asher said. He wouldn’t look them in the eye. 

As he took the hard drive from their hand, Sneaks grabbed his wrist before he could pull it away. “I just have one request,” they said quietly, eyes not leaving his face.

Asher met their gaze for a few seconds before it flitted away again. “What is it?”

“Talk to Milo.”

“What? He wouldn’t-”

“Don’t say that,” Sneaks cut him off, shaking their head. “He would want to see you. He would want to talk to you.” “I put him-”

“Stop,” Sneaks said, squeezing Asher’s wrist tighter. “Please. If you’re going to do anything rash you can’t just leave him like that. Don’t let your last interaction be him punching you unconscious.” 

Asher gave a small nod, but that wasn’t good enough. 

“Asher. Look at me and promise me you’ll go talk to him when he wakes up,” Sneaks said, voice desperate. Asher took a few moments longer than Sneaks liked, so they continued. “He’s your best friend. Your Beta. He deserves to know what you’re getting up to, even if he can’t change your mind. Please.”

“He’s only going to want to come with me,” Asher said quietly. “It’s only going to be more damage.”

“He won’t try this time. Make sure that he doesn’t,” Sneaks reasoned. “He looks to you for answers. Be his Alpha.”

Asher looked up at them finally, face serious but Sneaks could tell the difference this time. He was hearing them finally, actually taking in their words. “What if he wants to come with me?” “Don’t let him. Like you said earlier, you are Alpha. As much as Milo wants to be there for you, he’s gonna know he can’t go with you. He’ll try and convince you not to go, he’s gonna at least insist you bring someone else. Knowing you, you don’t want to do either, do you?”

Asher shook his head, eyes flitting away for a second. Sneaks’ heart sank, but they pressed on.

“Then don’t let him. Just…” They trailed off, feeling their eyes start to sting. “Don’t disappear on him,” They said finally, voice barely above a whisper, “please.”

Asher nodded once. “I won’t. I promise.”

Sneaks nodded, finally dropping Asher’s wrist. “Good. Then, I guess that’s it.”

“I guess so.”

Sneaks didn’t know what to do with their hands, fidgeting nervously with their fingers. They wanted to say more, anything more, but nothing was coming to mind. Asher seemed to understand though, giving them a small smile. He was the one to walk away first, leaving them alone in the hall.

They sighed after a few moments, turning themselves and heading back to Milo.

Before they reached the door, Marie was coming out of the room in a hurry. She caught sight of them immediately and rushed over.

“Marie? What’s wrong, what happened?” Sneaks asked, taking Marie’s outstretched hands when she was close enough. Sneaks took in her expression, her eyes shining and a smile on her face. The crinkle between her eyebrows was gone, signalling she wasn’t worried about anything at the moment. The more Sneaks took in, the more they relaxed.

“He’s awake.”

Those two words sent their world crumbling down. Their breath caught in their throat as they tried to repeat the words, nearly choking them. They tried to get something out, stumbling over several sentences and jumbling them together. “Can I- does he even-”

“He hasn’t stopped asking for you,” Marie said gently, “I told him that I’d come to find you after I made sure he was okay. He’s waiting.”

Sneaks nodded, slipping past her and heading down the hall. They didn’t hear her footsteps behind them, but they didn’t care at the moment. All they could focus on was putting one foot in front of the other, just to see him. They have to see him. To prove to themselves they weren’t dreaming.

They stood in front of the door for a few moments, hand held above the handle. Should they knock? Would Milo expect them to? Does he want them to knock, to give him a few moments to compose whatever he didn’t want Sneaks to see?

Taking a deep breath, their other hand came up to give a quiet knock, and they waited. There was no response, at least none they could hear, but they couldn’t hold themself back from opening the door anyway. They stepped inside, shutting the door behind them and stood there, watching. Milo was still laying down, and he was still. Marie wouldn’t lie to them. Did he fall back asleep?

“Milo?” They whispered, daring to take a few steps forward. If he did fall back asleep, they didn’t want to bother him. He needed the rest. 

Milo stirred, taking a deep breath and prying his eyes open. It took him a moment to find them, but when he did a slow and lazy smile crept onto his face. “Hey Sweetheart,” he said, voice crackling a bit with misuse. 

“Jesus Christ,” Sneaks breathed out, finally allowing their feet to move. They were by his side in an instant, perching on the side of the bed. Milo had a hand on their cheek almost as fast, holding them in place, eyes locking with theirs before they were surveying everything, making sure nothing was missed.

“How are you feeling?” Sneaks asked, rushed, “You’re not too sore, are you? The healing helped a little? Marie didn’t make you feel worse with the magic? I told her I wasn’t sure how your body would react to external magic when you overclocked your core, but she insisted that if you had any chance of surviving-”

They were cut off by Milo’s lips pressing against their own, having been pulled down to meet him there. Sneaks let themself be absorbed into it for a moment before pulling back. “Don’t do that while I’m trying to make sure you’re okay, jerk,” they scolded playfully. They could feel the goofy smile on their face, but didn’t do anything to try and hide it. 

“Am I not allowed to kiss my mate?” Milo asked quietly, smiling up at them.

“Not when you almost died, you idiot,” Sneaks said.

Milo’s hand slipped from their cheek, sliding down their arm until their hands were intertwined. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I guess I’ll have to keep that in mind when making my decision next time, if I knew that the consequences were no kisses.” “Next time,” Sneaks squeaked, “There is no next time, Milo. Don’t even think about it.”

Milo chuckled, lips finding the pulse point on their wrist. It wasn’t an answer, but Sneaks found themself relaxing anyway. 

“I mean it, Milo,” They threatened, eyes narrowing, getting another chuckle out of their mate. “I know you do,” Milo said quietly.

Sneaks shook their head, muttering that only he would joke about a next time after being tortured and over-clocked like that. After they regained some of their composure, though, they took a deep breath and asked him again, “Are you sure you’re okay? Nothing feels too off?”

“I’m physically tired, but most of the healing is done,” Milo confirmed. Sneaks let out a small sigh, eyes falling shut. They couldn’t help but feel a wave of relief wash over them, even if they knew he wasn’t exactly out of the water yet. The damage his core must have taken during that whole thing… they didn’t even want to imagine it. However, they weren’t going to bring that up. Milo was finally awake they weren’t going to ruin this moment. 

“Hey, Sweetheart,” Milo said after a moment and Sneaks opened their eyes so they could look at him. “How… how long was I out for? Ma wouldn’t tell me.” Sneaks took a deep breath, eyes falling to their still-entwined hands. “Well, that depends. Do you want the time you were naturally out or the time including the moments where we had to knock you back out?”

“You had to sedate me?”

“Partially,” Sneaks said. “When you resurfaced to consciousness when we were doing the preliminary healing, you were still in a lot of pain. I don’t think you were even fully conscious, just enough to feel it and… and vocalize that fact,” Sneaks paused, taking a moment to swallow. 

They don’t like thinking about this. Hearing Milo in pain like that, and being responsible, all because they wanted to help…

But, they pressed on. “Marie and I couldn’t work with the noise so we opted to put you out until we were almost done. However, when we lifted that magic, you… you didn’t wake up. You didn’t so much as stir. Your heart was beating, you were breathing, and you reacted to stimuli, you just… weren’t waking up. During all of that, you were out for over eighteen hours.”

Sneaks wasn’t looking at Milo, but by the way that his hand tightened around theirs, they could guess what kind of expression he had on his face right now. His eyebrows pulled together, mouth slightly open, eyes watching them like a hawk.

“Sweetheart, I-“

“If you’re about to apologize, stop,” Sneaks said. “It’s not your fault.”

“I made you guys worry.”

“We worry about you anyway,” Sneaks said. “Yeah, this was a bit more serious but look at what kind of world we live in, Milo. We’re bound to worry.”

“I still feel like I should apologize.”

Sneaks shook their head, looking at Milo now so he knows how serious they are. “Don’t. You don’t have anything to apologize for.”

Milo gave them a small smile, falling back from the argument seeing he wasn't going to get anywhere. “Hey, will you help me sit up? I don’t like being like this.”

“Yeah, of course,” Sneaks said, standing so they can help manoeuvre their mate. They could understand not liking laying down after something like this. With how restless Milo was, they could guess he didn’t want to be in bed at all but didn’t dare try anything.

Once Milo was settled, Sneaks sat back down beside him, taking his hands in theirs. “How are you, my love.”

Milo smiled at them, shaking his head. “How many times are you going to ask me that, huh?”

Sneaks shrugged. “As many times as it takes. You went through a lot of things recently.”

“Just a fight,” Milo said, brushing off their concern.

“‘Just a fight’,” Sneaks mocked, “Milo, she crushed most of the bones in your arm. You were barely conscious when Asher and I showed up.”

“I was fine. I could have taken her.”

Sneaks levelled him with the look. Milo is familiar with this look, the look that would probably make any other person back down. The ‘I am this close to knocking some sense into you’ look.

In Milo’s defence, he did end up backing down. In his own special way. “Okay, I was almost in a bind. But Asher is still here, so technically my plan worked.”

“Speaking of your plan,” Sneaks said slowly, remembering how Milo got into this mess in the first place. “Do you mind walking me through the reasoning you had behind that decision? Specifically, the part where you didn’t tell me.” 

Milo groaned, looking away. “I was hoping you wouldn’t bring that up.” “How in the right mind would you think I wouldn’t bring this up Milo Anthony Greer,” Sneaks said. “You left without even saying anything to me! You didn’t even bother to say goodbye. I was worried sick when you wouldn’t answer me.” “Sweetheart-”

“I’m not done,” Sneaks cut him off. Milo nodded, accepting his fate of being berated. Sneaks realized that his mother probably already put him through this, but this was different. They get a turn to scold him as well. “In the span of, according to Asher, a few hours, you have decided to go against your Alpha’s orders, actively plan against your Alpha, knock him out,” they started counting the reasons on their fingers, trying to make a point, “and then over-clock your core. You, what, didn’t think to text me? Send me a little message letting me know you were planning on destroying your core? And then going after a homicidal vampire? That hunts shifters, for fun?”

“It was for the better of the pack-” Sneaks held up a finger, shushing Milo. “Did I say you could interrupt me?” Milo fell silent again, giving a little huff. “Good. Now stay quiet. What the hell were you thinking, huh? That this was just going to be some trip to the store? That you’d be there and back in time for dinner? Milo, you made me think that you were dead. Dead! I was terrified that you had gone and somehow gotten yourself killed, and I wasn’t there to help protect you. What happened to our promise, huh? I can’t live without, Mi, I’ve told you this.”

By the end,  their voice started taking a desperate tone, trying to make Milo see just how scared they were. He had to understand. Milo did look a little guilty as they continued to talk. Good. He should. They would have let this whole thing slide if he even came to find them to say goodbye. But he didn’t, making them spiral, and now he has to understand what he has done. 

“I looked everywhere and asked everyone if they’d seen you. The only answer I got was that you and Asher were up to something again but nobody has seen you in a few hours. And when I found Asher passed out on the ground, you can only imagine the horrible scenarios that went through my head. I thought of a fight, kidnapping, torturing and maiming, and the worst part? I wasn’t even wrong! Asher almost didn’t let me come with him, which, fuck him for that honestly. And when we did find you again? I had a hard time holding myself back. Seeing you like that, and because of her and I couldn’t do anything. I had to stand there and watch her break your arm. I had to stand there and watch as her teeth sunk into your neck, Mi I-”

They broke off, taking a few deep breaths. They found themselves blinking rapidly, turning their head away from Milo. Everything that they’d experienced the last twenty-four hours started to rush back, overwhelming their senses. They’ve spent so long trying to keep composed that it was starting to crack and show through. After a few moments of silence, Sneaks took Milo’s hands again, thumb running across his knuckles, miraculously unscarred with the amount of trouble he gets into, and took one more deep breath. Feeling okay enough to push on, they whispered the one thing that had been on a loop in their head. 

“I thought that you didn’t trust me anymore.”

That got Milo’s attention. He was sitting up a bit straighter, hands tightening around theirs, pulling their attention up to him. His eyes were earnest, also shiny with unshed tears. “Sweetheart, no. No, I would never not trust you. On anything. Ever. I didn’t tell you because I had limited time with the core thing. I had no time to think.”

“You couldn’t tell me before you did it?” Sneaks asked. They could barely talk above a whisper. “Couldn’t you at least try to talk this through? Got a second opinion?”

“I…” Milo trailed off, exhaling through his nose sharply. Sneaks could tell he didn’t want to meet their eyes, but he was anyways. He was making sure that his words got across to them. “I have no excuse for getting a second opinion. I really don’t. But, I also can’t say I regret what I did in any way. If Ash went instead of me, this could have ended badly.”

Sneaks opened their mouth to protest that, but Milo cut them off. 

“And that’s not saying this did not go bad. I just know that if he went, we wouldn’t have an Alpha anymore. And, Sweetheart, if I’m being honest, I can’t be Alpha. I just can’t. The responsibility of that, and seeing what Asher went through when he took over for David I just… I can’t.”

“So you go on a death mission?”

Milo sighed, folding finally. “I would have rathered it be me than Asher, yes.”

“You would have left me?” Milo took his hands out of Sneaks’, reaching up to cup their face and hold them there. Hands warm against their face, Sneaks was reminded once more that Milo was still with them. His grip was firm but soft. Making sure they heard him without ever hurting them. “Not on purpose. You were one of the only things on the side saying I shouldn’t do it. But, the pack needs Asher. They need their Alpha.”

Sneaks felt the tears return, but they couldn’t do anything about it. Their voice shook on the next sentence as they said, “But I need you.”

“Sweetheart…” Milo trailed off, leaning forward to rest his forehead against theirs. “I need you too.”

“I thought that you died,” Sneaks repeated, tears finally rolling down their cheek. “In the beginning, and after that fight. I held my breath when I was checking your vitals. It would have destroyed me if you ended up dead, and I was too late.”

Milo pressed a soft kiss to their forehead.  “I’m sorry. What I did was stupid and irresponsible. It made you worry, and I put you in a position I never want to put you in again.”

“Promise me you’ll run those stupid impulsive thoughts by me, at least,” Sneaks implored, “please.”

“I promise,” Milo whispered, pressing another kiss to their cheek. “I promise you, Sweetheart.” Sneaks sniffed, rubbing at what they could of the tears staining their cheeks. “Pinky promise?” They mumbled, feeling like a kid. This was something they and Milo do often, so it was weird that they were feeling self-conscious about it now.

Milo smiled at them, though, melting that feeling in a second. He held out his pinky to them and stared at them expectantly. Sneaks gave a small grin as well, interlocking their pinkies.

They had a system. They would intertwine their pinkies. Then, they would lock it by pressing their thumbs together. And finally, and this last step was a newer thing they added a little into their relationship, they would lean foreward and bless it with a kiss.

Asher and David had always made fun of them for it, but Sneaks found it comforting. It was their little thing.

When Milo pulled back, he moved their hands so that he could bring the pulse point on their wrist to his lips once more. A second, quieter promise. A promise that they made at the beginning. Sneaks copied the motion, returning the gesture.

“I love you,” Milo whispered, “forever and always.”

“I love you too.”

Sneaks knew that, eventually, one of their ‘I love you’s would be a ‘goodbye’. They likely wouldn’t even realize it. But, for now, and at this moment, they didn’t have to worry about that. They had Milo, alive and relatively okay in front of them, talking to them, promising he’d stay as long as he could.

For, now, they could ask for nothing more.

[kaddyssammlung]

(taken from Heartstopper season 3 - episode 8 on Netflix)

I think that's the scene that got to me the most. Undressing in front of someone is not easy when you don't quite like the way that you look. But when you also have SH scars on top of that then it gets even harder. I wish I knew something useful to say but I don't. When I think about the last time that I was in a situation like that it was with my ex-girlfriend. She did not chuckle. She just gave me a weird look. But also that relationship was not good at all and maybe that was an early sign for me to leave.

Looking at someone and just seeing them, their true self without judgment, without pity and all of that ego-driven stuff, that's true mastery. At least for me. I'm working on that day by day. As long as I can't look at myself without all that judgment and self-hatred, I can't expect anyone else to do the same thing.

[wetpapert0wel]

bojack horseman is a really really good show.