#S1.E7 - A Time to Hate

[bald-heaven]

Cold Case S1.E7 - A Time to Hate (2003) Closing Song: The Byrds - Turn! Turn! Turn! (To Everything There Is A Season) 

[warblogs17282]

Stolas within parties, and unhealthy coping mechanisms. (Featuring Blitz)

Let's start with a bit of concerning behavior in regards to the happy pills.

We see Stolas take two pills at the start of the day, the day where he's about to meet Blitz again for the first time in years.

But when we see Stolas again after the events of s1 e7? He takes three pills, so at some point between these two moments in time, Stolas upped his dosage, and honestly, my guess is that the of events of s1 e7 is the start of Stolas upping his dosage, although I don't have any evidence to support this. While this doesn't point to anything in specific, it's still behavior to be a bit concerned about.

The Parties and Problem Drinking.

One of the things that interested me the most was Stolas being able to call Verosika's party as being about 'mutual pettiness' so quickly, and that got me thinking about the similarities between the parties that Stella hosted, and the parties that Verosika hosted.

In this part, Stolas feels rather isolated in contrast to the rest of the party talking to each other and having fun, and it's also clear to see that Stolas feels uncomfortable as well. Both of these are obviously because of the fact he still has feelings for Blitz and has just generally been isolated his whole life, but it also shows us a noticeable parallel between this party and the ones that Stella would throw.

Stolas is isolated and uncomfortable yet again. Sure Stolas is uncomfortable at Stella's parties for different reasons, but there's still two links between them I can notice.

The first being the reasons why both parties have been thrown in the first place, and the second being Stolas' relationship with alcohol in regards to parties.

"Stolas, you know I like throwing parties!" This implies that Stella throws parties quite often, and considering how these parties are really just thinly veiled excuses to allow Stella to gossip and chat shit about Stolas to her friends while being right next to Stolas, it gives us another reason as to why Stolas is uncomfortable being at Verosika's party besides his feelings for Blitz and being isolated his whole life.

It's because one of the main reasons Verosika's parties were thrown was to shit talk and to antagonize Blitz, or 'celebrating mutual pettiness' as Stolas rightfully calls it. There's various other reasons why I don't exactly believe that the primary reason why Verosika threw the parties was to 'help others cope', that I've covered before. It's clear in her behavior both inside the party and outside the party (for example, s1 e3), that Verosika hated Blitz for what he did to her before. (I'm not claiming that Verosika isn't allowed to be angry at Blitz for that, but her behavior up to this point is 100% going overboard.)

Alongside the violence against the Blitz shaped merch and cakes (which I will cover in this post), we see Verosika openly insulting Blitz to the entire crowd, and we know that Stella would insult Stolas to her friends at her parties. So, it wouldn't surprise me if another part of the reason of why Stolas is so uncomfortable is because he's been in a similar situation before to what Verosika is doing with the parties in regards to Blitz.

So, another thing we know is that Stella uses physical violence against Stolas, as shown by the time she attempts to backhand him in s2 e1.

Guess what we see a whole bunch of during the party against the Blitz dolls? Sure it's a bit exaggerated with the knives and mallets etc, but it's still physical violence, so it's reasonable to assume another part of the reason why Stolas was uncomfortable at the party was because of his own experiences with physical violence.

"Plus, it's true, so you know you can come if you want." - Stella

"I felt it rude not to stop by." - Stolas

I believe that these two quotes point to a sense of obligation to show up and stay at the parties for at least a little bit regardless of if the party makes you feel uncomfortable. Like that Stolas felt like he had to at least make an appearance and stay for a little bit.

Which begs the question, why does Stolas stay so long at Verosika's party, despite saying "I really shouldn't stay long."?

Two interconnected reasons come to mind. The first being the fact that Stolas was already starting to get himself drunk at the start of the party, which just naturally leads to Stolas just drinking more.

The second reason is probably because of the song. Stolas was very much just thrown into the spotlight and told to sing about his relationship with Blitz, so I wouldn't be surprised if that indirectly pressured him into drinking more, something I cover in the next section.

I think something that we haven't really considered is the PROGRESSION of Stolas drinking in both parties.

Stella's Party: The party starts, Stolas naturally doesn't want to be there and feels uncomfortable, but most likely feels like he's obligated to stay and make an appearance, so he starts it off by drinking a little wine. Then the most difficult part of the day happens, Stella starts talking shit about Stolas to her friends, right in front of Stolas as well. So I assume in an attempt to make the party more bearable for him, he gets the strongest thing he can get his hands on and just starts chugging the bottle.

Verosika's Party: Stolas joins mid-way through, feels uncomfortable being at the party for a few reasons, but again, most likely feels obligated to stay for at least a little while to make an appearance, so he starts drinking from the cups a little. Then Stolas gets to a difficult and emotionally taxing part of the night, the part where he's basically thrown into the spotlight, and made to sing about his relationship with Blitz, around 23-24 hours after the full moon argument. So the emotions surrounding that are still very raw for Stolas.

After that point you see Stolas start drinking a lot more, starting to chug that cup. Plus, when Blitz starts talking to Stolas, he also starts chugging the bottle itself quite a lot, in what I guess was because he was already partly drunk by that point, and in what I think was an attempt to dull his emotions more to most likely make the night more bearable for him.

At least, I think that was the general thought process behind the progression of Stolas drinking in both parties. The scenarios between them both are quite different, but I still think that there's some similarities to be noted here.

So, in conclusion, I believe that part of the reason why Stolas has an issue with problem drinking is because of Stella's parties, and that there's quite a few similarities to be noted between Verosika's party and Stella's party.

Of course, I can't make a post on problem drinking without mentioning the time that Stolas most likely got blackout drunk after the events of s1 e7.

Blitz and Addiction.

Now, I wonder just how many of you thought the question of 'Why is Blitz so concerned about Stolas throwing it back like this?' and the answer lies in Blitz's history with drinking, and addiction.

Let's start with Blitz's father, Cash, it's implied that he's an alcoholic, both from the picture below and from the line "Remember how you used to distract my dad so I could steal his booze?", which tells us that Cash kept himself stocked up on booze all the time. So it shows us that Cash's likely alcoholism was always a part of Blitz's life, all up until Blitz left the circus.

There's also Barbie Wire who got addicted, although on a substance named H-8, instead of booze. We don't know exactly when Barbie Wire got addicted to H-8, but because Blitz says "Oh. Thank, Satan.", and the fact that Barbie Wire means a lot to Blitz, it shows that her getting addicted to H-8 most likely effected Blitz in some negative way.

Finally, Blitz has seen it again with Verosika, who is also an alcoholic, who went to rehab for it but got out because of her celebrity status. When she exactly became an alcoholic and went to rehab we don't know.

Something to note here is that, according to a study, addiction tends to run in families, and dialogue in the Queen Bee episode suggests that Blitz attended those parties Beelzebub hosts a lot in the past, because of this line "He-hey, I knew it was you! Fuck, man, where you been? You here for the party?" and "Come in and show us all up again.", implying that Blitz used to be a regular at her parties.

Plus, in truth seekers, Blitz admits to doing a lot of drugs in college.

The only times we see Blitz drink during this show has been in social settings, and sure while Blitz did invite Moxxie and Millie once on screen to a dive bar, that doesn't change the point I'm making at all.

So, what the show is trying to tell us is that Blitz did a lot of drugs and alcohol in the past, and nowadays he's not completely avoiding alcohol, but the only times he'll drink is in social settings.

Regardless of how bad things have gotten for him, such as Ozzie's for example, Blitz refuses to drink or do drugs at all, he just ended up having a cry session on the couch and just consumed ice cream. Compared to Stolas who dealt with everything by most likely getting blackout drunk.

I imagine that Blitz very intentionally limits himself on doing drugs and alcohol, because he knows so many people that have the issue of addiction.

[asleeponelmstreet]

Burnt (part 2)

Part 1 Part 3

Charlie takes you to a show, and you are confronted by your past.

Tags: Alastor x female reader, Blitzø x female reader, eventual smut, lots of angst, panic attacks, drug use, Charlie and Angel Dust being the best friends a reader could ask for

wc: 3,244

This takes place after S1 of Hazbin Hotel and before Helluva Boss S2 E7 Mammon's Magnificent Musical Mid-Season Special. I don't know if that timeline is canon, but it's what works for my story so that's what I'm doing.

You can also read this on AO3 here if you'd prefer.

Minors DNI!!!

Fuck.

This was not fucking happening.

Your muscles stiffened the moment you stepped outside of the bright pink limousine that took Charlie and you to the show. A tingling sensation crawled up the tips of your fingers as you realized the mistake you had made, not asking the princess who you were seeing in the first place. Now you found yourself facing a grand concert hall adorned with a gigantic banner for the most famous clown in all the seven rings of Hell, the great Fizzarolli.

Your chest tightened at the sight of him plastered on every available surface in the general vicinity. It had been impossible to ignore one of the most well-known faces in Hell, but you did your best to shove down all the emotions that just the mention of his name evoked from you. But here, surrounded by all these pictures of your long-lost friend, it was just too much.

A high-pitched ringing filled your ears, drowning out all the noise of the city as well as your heartbeat thrumming in your chest. After thanking the driver, Charlie grabbed your hand and pulled you towards a side door away from the main entrance. You let her tug you along, not trusting your own feet to carry your weight. You could vaguely hear her say, “Being the princess of Hell comes with some perks” through the buzzing in your ears.

She led you up a small flight of stairs, into an elevator that sped towards the top floor and through a doorway guarded by security and a red velvet rope. The whole time you wracked your brain for a way out, but you came up with nothing. Your mind was about as useless as soup, alphabet soup. The letters only came together to form self-hating words and phrases that were not helpful right now: Idiot. You should have known better. Coward. This is on you. Traitor. It’s all my fault. That last one is the only one not in your own cruel voice.

The room you found yourself in was elegant, almost entirely built of glass walls along with an open front window facing the stage. If you weren’t brimming with dread and starting to feel a bit nauseous, you would be giddy with excitement at the prospect of seeing a live performance from these luxurious box seats, fit for demon royalty. Growing up an imp from a poor family, you never dreamt of being somewhere like this – getting to see how the other half lives.

Velvet couches faced the stage with a few cocktail tables brimming with finger foods interspersed throughout the room. A fully stocked bar took up the back wall, complete with a bartender who didn’t appear to be drinking (or sleeping) on the job. A part of you wished Husk was behind the bar instead to bring some much needed comfort from your new life into this blast from the past. “Soooo what do you think? Isn’t it amazing?!” Charlie asked excitedly, waving her hands around as if she couldn’t keep her happiness to just her beaming smile.

Someone else entered the room before you could answer saving you for a few more moments. You didn’t know how it was possible, but Charlie’s face lit up even more when she saw them. “Uncle Ozzie!” she practically screamed as you turned to face the person who had joined you in what you had thought was a private space. You would have recognized him even if Charlie hadn’t said the name – though, you didn’t know him personally. Asmodeus, the King of Lust.

Your friend did a running jump into his arms, wrapping him in a great big bear hug. He reciprocated the tight embrace, planting a chaste kiss on the top of her blonde head before settling back down on the floor as if she were a child and not the tall, lanky thing before you.

“It’s always a pleasure to receive one of your strangling hugs Charlie.” His voice was as deep and smooth as you imagined the finest bourbon. “I’m so glad you finally made it to one of Fizz’s shows! How’s that dear old dad of yours? Haven’t seen him in quite a while.”

Charlie talked with THE embodiment of Lust as if he was a close family friend, but your mind wouldn’t let go of the familiarity in which he said Fizz’s name. You knew at that moment that the gossip columns you tried your best to avoid were right. Hell’s worst-kept secret was true. The powerful demon had a much more intimate relationship with your old friend than just working together on the popular sexbots made in Fizz’s image.

“Forgive me, I should introduce you two,” Charlie said. At the mention of your name, you thought you saw something — maybe a flicker of recognition in his eyes. You wondered if Fizz told him about you. But you quickly pushed the thought away, not wanting to think of what he would have revealed to the powerful demon now standing before you.

The show was about to begin, and Asmodeus motioned to you two to join him on the couch. You complied, but you were still on edge, trying to decide the best way to get out of this situation without offending Charlie who so sweetly invited you out tonight.

After all these years apart, you were about to see Fizz perform with his secret beau sitting only a princess of Hell away. You tried to ignore him, the way he looked at you as if you were a puzzle to be solved. Looking out into the crowd below was worse. Fans decked in merchandise featuring Fizz’s name and likeness filled the seats. They were screaming his name, cheering him on even before he appeared on stage. Some of the freaks were even debauching their sexbots right there in the crowd.

It was still hard to think of all the freaks who had their hands on him (even robot versions of him) since the last time you touched him. The overt sexualization of Fizz made you feel even sicker than you were before if that was even possible. You had seen it all before, but only in small doses. You even came across several of his robot clones throughout the years but did your best to steer clear of them at all costs. If you ever did, you had to remind yourself repeatedly that it wasn’t him – even if the RoboFizzs looked identical in every way.

But he was everywhere here. His name, his face, his fucking body. His body. Just thinking about what the fire did to his body made bile rise in your throat. And what they did and are probably still doing to his body today. The room started to spin the more you got lost in your thoughts, you gripped the armrests to ground yourself. That’s when you noticed Asmodeus eying your nails digging into the supple velvet.

The curtains parted and his small figure appeared center stage. Your stomach lurched and you felt tears coming. Damn, you’ve already cried so much today. You didn’t think your ego could handle it anymore. But it was too much. His arms and legs stretched out to unnatural lengths as he said something, but you couldn’t hear it over the sound of your heartbeat and the roaring crowd. That’s it. I’m out of here, you thought. “I’m going to the bathroom,” you ran towards the door cradling your stomach. Charlie jumped up to show you the way, you assumed, but you bolted towards the door before she could catch up to you.

Once you locked yourself in the bathroom stall, you fell forward releasing the contents of your stomach into the toilet bowl. It burned – probably from the hot sauce – and tears stuck tufts of your hair to your forehead. You tried to pull at your hair to keep it from falling into the bowl as you retched, but it was no use. You were a mess.

The knock at the stall door didn’t startle you. You knew who it was. “You know there’s a private bathroom a bit closer to our seats…” she paused as if reconsidering what to say. “Can I help you?” You gave in because damn you really did need help. You fumbled at the lock on the door until it opened, and she was down on the floor by your side.

“I can hold your hair back for you,” and with that, she took the ribbon from her hair and tied it around your own. Even with it tied back she gently held your hair keeping it from falling over your shoulders as you continued to throw up.

Once your stomach was emptied of everything that you had eaten that day, you lay your head against the wall and let yourself cry. “I’m sorry you’re missing the show,” you choked out.

“Shh, it’s okay. I can come back any time,” she cooed. She took your hands in hers and just held them in silence as you continued your embarrassing meltdown. After a few minutes, she asked, “Do you think it’s something you ate?”

“No—uh, yeah. Maybe?” You said, shaking your head. You just blew your best excuse. Why hadn’t you thought about feigning sickness? Probably because your brain was just about as functioning as that summer when you spent all your earnings on heroin and horse tranquilizers. That would be preferred to how you were feeling right now.

Charlie moved in closer to your side, wrapping your shaking body up in her long limbs and rubbing soothing circles into your sore muscles. “Would it help to talk about it?” she asked. “If you don’t want to, I understand. I can tell you’re holding a lot in. But if you’re not ready, you’re not ready.”

You were so used to holding it all in. Holding it all back. Her comforting presence made you think that if you opened up just a bit, it may provide some relief. But you wouldn’t crack, you knew better. If you told her everything, she would never look at you the same way again. You couldn’t lose her or the hotel. They were the only things that gave your life a purpose anymore. “I’m not ready,” you said. She didn’t frown or let disappointment show on her face, but you imagined that she expected you to open up. She lived for those sappy heart-to-heart conversations that you avoided at all costs.

Charlie sat with you on the floor of the bathroom in silence until you were ready to leave. She explained that she just needed to say goodbye to Asmodeus and then the two of you could go back to the hotel.

Once you were back in the private room, you hung back while she told him you weren’t feeling well. Charlie had done a good job at helping you fix up your makeup and hair in the bathroom, but you knew the demon of lust didn’t have to be very perceptive to know why you had missed the start of the performance.

Before you could escape the door, his eyes locked with yours. His gaze startingly soft. “Charlie has my number if you would ever like to see Fizz. I can speak with him.” He danced around it as if not wanting to reveal anything, but you knew. The fact that he said see and not meet. He knew something and this was an invitation.

The ride back was silent as stared out the back window, thinking about what Asmodeus said the whole way home. What did it mean really? Was there a possibility that Fizz didn’t hate you? Or that he could forgive you? You couldn’t even begin to wrap your mind around it.

You walked into the hotel lobby, expecting to have to make up an excuse for why you were back hours early. Luckily, it was just Husk asleep with a half-empty bottle of liquor behind the bar. Charlie pulled you in for one last hug, reminding you that if you needed anything she would be there before the two of you went your separate ways.

Once you were in the privacy of your room, you slumped on your newly made bed. You didn’t bother to bathe or change before you curled up into a ball. You wouldn’t cry, you couldn’t. You had already shed more tears today than you had in your entire life. More than after the fire. More than when you learned your parents died. More than when Fizz refused to see you. More than when he left.

Sleep didn’t come. No matter how many times you tried to empty your mind of all the thoughts clouding it. You squeezed your eyes shut, but the darkness behind your eyelids gave way to Fizz’s face. Seeing it plastered on every poster in the concert hall and briefly on stage before you made a run for the bathroom brought back so many memories. His little head tossed back in a fit of giggles, that smirk he threw your way amid a round of applause and those wide eyes full of hope before you turned your back on him.

After tossing and turning in bed for over an hour, you gave up. You tiptoed to your dresser where you found your hidden stash in your underwear drawer. Sitting astride the open windowsill that looked out on Pentagram City, you thought about how you found comfort in the place you least expected.

As you exhaled smoke, the tension in your body released a little. A few more inhales silenced your unquiet mind, letting you focus on the better parts of the day. Like Angel rushing to your side in the morning. And how kind it was of Charlie to invite you out in the first place. And was that a compliment you received from Alastor – of all the sinners in Hell? That overlord may have come from Earth, but the stories about his reign of terror preceded him.

A soft knock at your door had you scrambling to put your joint out and hide it along with the rest of your stash behind a curtain. Probably not the smartest move, but you weren’t exactly thinking clearly.

The door creaked open, and the top of Angel’s head peaked into your room, “It’s just me. Don’t worry the fun police is fast asleep.” You sighed in relief. Though you had a feeling Charlie would have been a bit more understanding of your rule-breaking after the day you had. “Is that fuckin’ grass, babe? What are we in the fourth grade?” the spider teased.

“It helps with the nausea… and my nerves,” you said tossing your hair out of your face before relighting what was left of your joint. You motioned for him to join you if he wanted. Though, you had a feeling he would have preferred some of his namesake or at least some Devil’s Dandruff as Charlie liked to call it.

For all that teasing, the porn demon still didn’t refuse a high. Angel joined you on the windowsill and took what was left of the joint you offered him as you lit another. “I saw Charlie earlier,” he said slowly between puffs as if he was trying not to rile a rabid animal. “Are you feeling any better?”

“Yeah, some.” You mumbled, perfectly content with smoking in silence but also not hating the company. Angel looked out at the skyline, gazing over all the bright glittering lights from all the buildings filled with sinners who never seemed to sleep.

“Why did you come here?” He asked. “You could’ve gone anywhere in Hell, but you moved to this tacky-ass hotel.” You smiled, knowing it was all a façade. Maybe he crashed at the hotel for a free rent at first but since you’ve gotten to know him, you knew he cared about it, about Charlie and her dream of redeeming sinners. “We don’t even know if sinners can get into Heaven.”

“I know there’s no way for imps to get into Heaven. That’s not why I’m here.” You let out a sigh. “But there are other ways to redeem yourself even if you’re not getting anything out of it.”

“Isn’t that the whole point of redemption?” Your immediate thought was no, but you did technically want redemption for selfish reasons even if they weren’t the same as his.

“I guess, but I’m not trying to get into heaven. I just wanted to help, and I thought it might help me find some relief.”

“Relief from what?”

“All the guilt.” You looked down at your lap, knowing it sounded stupid.

Angel cackled. “What do you have to be guilty of? You’re a fucking demon.”

“Well, I’ve killed more than I can count.”

“Ha! Haven’t we all?”

“True. And I don’t feel guilty for most of it.”

“Then, what is it?”

Although the conversation was getting a bit too serious for your liking, you felt like you owed him some truth. “I hurt the people I love. And even after losing everything, I keep doing it over and over again.”

Angel’s expression grew serious, and he thought for a moment before speaking. “We all do that. It comes with the territory.”

“No, you don’t understand.” You looked away from him. “It’s different.”

“Everyone thinks they’re different, hon. You’re not special.”

“I guess.” You pouted, wanting this conversation to be over. Maybe you could change the subject to something else. “Alastor complimented me today…” You noticed the time on the alarm clock beside your bed. “Or I guess, yesterday.”

“Al complimented you?! Didn’t know he had it in him. Are you sure he wasn’t sizing you up for a meal? What’d he say?”

“He said I looked absolutely divine,” you used your best impression of the radio demon when saying those two words.

“Oh, yeah. He totally wants to eat you.” You giggled, but Angel went on. “And not in a sexy way. I don’t think he’s interested. I would know because he keeps turning me down. Me!”

“Maybe he plays for another team,” you mused.

“Or he doesn’t even play the game at all. Because anyone would be all over this.” He emphasized his point by motioning to his body and doing a slutty little hip thrust that almost shifted him out the window. You grabbed him by the shoulders to make sure he didn’t fall as you tried to contain your laughter.

“You’re right. Anyone who refuses you is out of their mind!” You leaned your head on his shoulder.

“Hey, don’t mock me. You know it’s true. I’m surprised we haven’t hooked up yet.” He wiggled his eyebrows.

“I like you too much, Angie. I haven’t had a real friend in a long time, and I wouldn’t want to ruin it.” You also had a feeling he’d much rather be fucking Husk or Al than messing around with you.

“Why would it ruin it?” He leaned into you seductively, close enough that your lips were almost touching. “C’mon, it’d be hot,” he purred.

“Don’t think I haven’t thought about it,” you crooned. “Maybe someday, but not today.” You could see it being fun, but that’s all it would be. And although you weren’t a saint, you tried to avoid those kinds of situations now.

You nuzzled into the crook of his neck, wondering if Angel knew how much you needed this distraction.

Thank you so much for reading! Hope you enjoyed it. I know Alastor isn't in this chapter but he'll be back, I promise. And if you're patiently waiting for Blitzø, don't worry I am too. I had to post this so I would stop worrying about it and finally be able to focus on the next part. It may have a little bit of spice. But shhhh... you didn't hear that from me.

tag list: @sirens-and-moonflowers @whoknowswhoiamtoday y'all literally made my week, thank you <3

[esterzach]

I don't understand why so many people, especially people who read and loved the books, and especially men, fail to understand Moiraine in the show.

The kids don't trust her, people see her as a witch, and I guess that goes for most Aes Sedai but most Aes Sedai either reside mostly in the Tower, Tar Valon, or a couple of other places where they are respected, or don't travel as much to get that attitude from random people. Moiraine has to deal with all that, half of the time simply because she is a woman and doesn't reveal her status, or she is seen as evil and hated.

They somehow fail to see how people from outside her circle, which is a very small space to maneuver at that, treat her and see her. And why her response is the way it is.

This is a person who is extremely isolated due to what her sole mission is, she can't be honest and talk to pretty much anyone, aside from Siuan and Lan. She is afraid to talk to people because she knows how the politics of the Tower works and how everyone is either trying to extract information or can be an enemy. Half of those people either see her as too secretive or downright awkward, they either mock her behind her back or don't trust her. And she probably feels all that. Liandrin, one of the very few who actually knows her has unresolved feelings for her, and is hostile and aggressive to her.

Then she gets to hold terrifying secrets and she gets through an event that her Sisters consider their worst fear, she can't or doesn't speak about that, she can't go and share it with someone who has been through the same, because no one has been through this for ages. She gets to live through it alone, and that rot within her for months... which probably evokes even more isolation and fear, resulting in her being even more alone and cold to everyone...

She goes to her sister, and her sister is rightfully angry with her, which makes her look even worse. She treats her on and off, Moiraine either doesn't speak or answers badly... Logain is an ass to her, as expected.

She is ashamed to tell Siuan, she never actually speaks it out loud and even freaks out a bit when Lan only mentions it. She never utters the words, in her mind this probably seems like a nightmare that doesn't stop, because she is afraid to face reality.

And people are Oh, she is awful. She is evil... Like you are so mature and kind when something bad happens to you? As if all of a sudden you become amazingly wise and sweet, while you are in pain, confused and terrified. Superhumans... Hospitals are full of people who are in pain but are great at socializing and oh-so nice. We tend to become angry and bitter. And this is normal. Fear speaks. Anger too.

The only people who seem to understand are Verin and Adeleas. And that woman's perspective, that motherly attitude from Verin feels like something that almost makes you cry. And it's not the pity one needs, but understanding and being kind. There is a difference, that most people tend to mix. And when you are hurting or going through something this attitude from people around you tends to be even more annoying. Verin sees her and understands. I doubt Siuan as it was in E 7 does. There is... some sort of pity and someone mentioned disgust. Which is the worst possible combination in such a case. When you crave acceptance and understanding, love and kindness, just a bit, to see that in someone so close to you, doesn't feel good at all.

I noticed something in S1 E7 - when Moiraine sent Lan to go see his family and Lan introduced Nynaeve to them, they greeted her and called her Aes Sedai. They thank her for keeping Lan safe. They don't know her but assume she is an Aes Sedai who travels with Lan. Maybe I am wrong but...it seems that these people don't know what Moiraine looks like. They don't know her, so they confuse her with Moiraine. She never went with Lan. And these people are sweet and nice, but she never gets to experience that.

Even in Fal Dara, where people know who she is, they greet Lan warmly, and she is mostly ignored. That stings. Then Lord Agelmar is treating her as an annoyance, with cold formality, almost dismissing her. And she is almost on the edge here to snap at him.

This goes on and on, and people are oh why is she like that?! Because they treat her like shit, that's why!

And at the end, show Moiraine is called "a cow" by some people. Nice. Soooo they get to dig into 14 books, find connections, and hidden clues, but don't understand what they see right in front of them?! You don't hear what is said? A hell of a way to understand people.

Even when she attempts to protect Lan and make him leave, to be away from her because she most likely will attract danger. This is not only obvious, but he says it again and again. She is still seen as the bitch who treats him shitty, just because. Talking about superficial thinking...

But how this stupid man can't see through her when he has known her for so long and so intimately?! Why is he acting so dumb? If you treat someone like crap for months, especially when that someone trusts you and has tremendous respect for you, observe what that does to their self-esteem. Keep dismissing them, ignore them, and act as if they are a liability. And then tell them something slightly ambiguous, almost transparent, and observe how they would take it. Actually, no need to go that far at all. We all have seen it, one way or another.

Everyone else who knows them will never think twice about what she meant when she said "We were never equal." Her tone is harsh, her face expresses what would be read as contempt or something similar. And after months of bad attitude and a reveal of how many things she hid from him, how else he would see it? The whole foundation of their relationship was undermined by her, meticulously, for months, bit by bit, blow by blow. Refusing to speak to him, refusing to give him her usual trust and respect. The message is clear - you are no longer important to me, you are no longer of use. For someone who claimed that she gave him everything, a meaning, a reason to live and to die for... That seems like a pretty big deal. And now all that is gone. How dare he react like a human being! Almost like when she informs him in The Great Hunt what would happen to him in case she dies. And in the books, she is this serene creature, with a soft voice, who never do anything cruel or slightly shitty, like reminding him in TDR "Walk faster or you know who I am going to call..." FFS, even I was "WHAT the fuck, woman?!" and the people around them were like Damn, whatever that was, Lan got angry... You think?!

But the showwww!!! Yeah, the show did perfectly fine with this situation, it's the preconceptions in people's heads that stopped them from seeing what was going on. There are flaws. Many at that. But this wasn't one of them.

[hotchshands]

fave cm eps

* these hit different

a list of cm eps with my reactions/comments about each and the occasional pic of hotch

s1 e6: LDSK

- i’m a whore

- hands on the hips😫

- the suit, the fluffy hair, the sunglasses🥵

- him teaching spence to shoot🥺

- him being a bully to spence to get to the unsub 😓 but like it’s hot…

s1 e7: the fox

- “is this your daddy” lol yes he’s my daddy😩 (9:30)

- derek in a suit

- 😳 why gideon screaming like that (14:11)

s1 e10: the popular kids

- reid i beg you please stop putting that much sugar in your coffee😭

- derek in a suit again😩

- hotch and elle 😳 they are the reason for my bisexuality😭

s1 e16: the tribe *

- the way he pulled out his baton…🥵 (38:28)

- him without his blazer/suit jacket on!!!

- i want him to toss me around like that and throw me on a table😩

s1 e19

- happy birthday daddy🥳

- …marriage troubles 👀 👹

- lol him sitting on the plane pouting like a baby🥺 (6:30)

s1 e21

- they go to the CIA😩

- princess diana’s death was definitely not an accident… penelope’s right

s1 e22

- hotch in a pirate hat🏴‍☠️

- him & haley 🤢 THAT SHOULD BE ME😤 smh

- smily hotch tho🥺

- spence and his mom🥺

- i’m just gonna pretend that that’s me being all lovely dovey w hotch and well you know😉

- i can see his right boob😮‍💨

- not her showing up at the BAU

s2 e1

- hotch sitting like a whore… sir i will come over there and jump you😩

- he did the tie thing😩

- not spence having his mom to help them on the case😭

- spencer’s mom >>>>

s2 e2

- spence with glasses🤓

s2 e5

- hotch standing like a whore (30:10)

- elle said fuck the law

s2 e9

- emily arrives!!

s2 e10

- imagine waking up next to hotch😩

- sir-😳

s2 e12: profiler profiled

- reid being a goofball

s3 e14: damaged

- 👁👄👁

- sir-

- ooooh divorce 👀 rip

s3 e19

- i hate to say this but i feel like that blonde lawyer and hotch probably had some 🌶 but for the stake of my sanity… i’m paranoid and they did nothing together☺️

- derek calling penelope babygirl for the first time🥺

- hotch calling out some lawyer for wearing a fake rolex 😭

s4 e16: pleasure is my business*

- megan kane my love🥰

- “how am i a whore?”

s5 e6: the eyes have it

- his tan skin with that suit🥵

- his hair has finally grown a bit thank goodness

- his face is so pretty 🥺🥴

s5 e10: the slave of duty

- hotch helping jack with his tie🥺

- lol not the bau carrying haley’s coffin rip girlie

- also emily i can see your boobs😩 i’m looking respectfully

- his voice is so sexy🥵 daddy? i’m sorry daddy? 🥺

- spence’s long hair… a flop🤢

- i know he’s talking about his dead ex-wife but god damn sir😩 i beg of you

- jack looks so sad😭

s5 e22: the internet is forever

- “what did you do, join a boy band?”

s6 e6: devil’s night*

- dad!hotch

- jack is soooo cute🥺

- i wanna crave pumpkins and go trick or treating with them😭

s6 e9: into the woods

- he’s wearing his quarter-zip😩

s6 e22: out like a light

- soccer coach! hotch 🤪

- 💦💦💦💦

s7 e1: it takes a village *

- beard!hotch 🥵💦

- bark bark woof woof grrrrr 🥴

- his hair grew 😩

- him sitting in front of the chairman in court 👀

s7 e2: proof *

- cooking lessons🍝

- i wanna be mad at him but he too sexy🥴

- is it just me or did he lose weight??? he looks skinnier 👀

s7 e4: painless

- jack + hotch 🥺🥰

s7 e6: epilogue

- he looks so sudjbdjd this season🥵

- ARMS

- rolled up sleeves 🥴

- “hotch rocket” 😭 yes penelope!!!!

- please shot me sir 🥺🔫

s7 e10: the bittersweet science

- not beth🙄

- smily hotch🥺

s7 e11: true genius *

- saw a gif of hotch’s hand from this ep so i’m adding it to the list🤰

- ok but his hands!!! 😩 oh and don’t forget the rolex🥵 (8:06)

- spencer speaking at some event lol he looks so cute — oh and emily’s there too for some reason

- spence girlies come get y’all’s juice

- he’s so socially awkward… me too😔

s7 e13: snake eyes

- derek and penelope 🥰

- ok but like derek… 💦💦💦

s7e14: closing time

- smily hotch 🥺

- …beth again🙄

- valentine’s day!!!

- date night things

s8 e10: the lesson

- he’s so pretty🥰🥰🥰

s8 e12: zugzwang *

- the way he just pushed reid into that hallway😩 that should be me!!

s9 e5: route 66

s9 e22: fatal

- hotch with kids👀

- not that teacher having a crush on him but like i don’t blame her cause bitch me too… however imma find where she lives 👹

s10 e5: boxed in *

- 🌧🌧🌧☔️☔️

- 🎃🎃🎃🎃

s10 e13: nelson’s sparrow *

- cabin in the woods🪵

- rip the best founding father of the bau

- he looks so BIG🥵

- 🥹🥹🥹🥹

s10 e19: beyond borders *

s10 e20: a place at the table

s11 e9: internal affairs *

- hotch sitting in a chair

s11 e22: the storm

- hotch gets arrested rip

[blue-b-bro]

Is it me, or there really was a lot of unclear scenes in s2? The Ned Low one: was it good or was it bad that Stede killed him? Was it him becoming worse or was it him fighting for his people for the first time (even tho until now he was proud of being able to do just that without any killing?) ? But then he was traumatized? But then they didn't talk? And suddenly they have sex? And I've seen like 4 different interpretations of why they had sex, from Stede wanting to prove something to Stede wanting to feel human again so I'm completely confused and the fact that those scenes have only a few seconds doesn't help. Why did Ed throw away Blackbeard in e7? Because he felt it was a kind of piracy Stede hated? Because he realized piracy could kill Stede and that's why he wanted to settle? Am I an idiot or is the writing unclear? Was Ed's fisherman idea about him finding himself or was it him running away like a coward? Was it a self care decision or a stupid impulsive one? Was him getting his Blackbeard clothes back him regressing or progressing? Because at first it looks like regressing, but after Stede's letter it's all fine?? Is killing in e8 fine because the English are evil and violence sometimes is good? I'm a bit confused, because I thought Stede's soft management in s1 was a good idea, but maybe I didn't get something?? Like, Ed and Stede didn't kill people personally, but they did to protect each other? That's what you're saying? But Ned Low wasn't a real threat, the guy at Spanish Jackie obv too, and when the English were, I don't know if Stede had to be there or why was Ed so unbothered? Help (seriously)

[south-park-polls]

South Park Song Tournament: Round 2!

[make sure to follow @votemattrey for more south park related polls!]

Thank you all so much for the engagement you've shown with round one of my tournament! Round 2 will begin tomorrow!

The songs still in the tournament are as follows:

South Park Theme Song

I'm Gonna Make Love to You, Woman - Cartman Gets an Anal Probe (S1 E1)

The Lonely Jew on Christmas - Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo (S1 E9)

Chocolate Salty Balls - Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls (S2 E9)

Underpants Gnomes Work Song - Gnomes (S2 E17)

I Hate You Guys - Jakovasaurs (S3 E4)

Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo - Mr Hankey's Christmas Classics (S3 E15)

Carol of the Bells - Mr Hankey's Christmas Classics (S3 E15)

Christmas Time in Hell - Mr Hankey's Christmas Classics (S3 E15)

Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel - Mr Hankey's Christmas Classics (S3 E15)

Merry Fucking Christmas - Mr Hankey's Christmas Classics (S3 E15)

O Holy Night - Mr Hankey's Christmas Classics (S3 E15)

Fingerbang - Something You Can Do With Your Finger (S4 E8)

Wendy's Audition Song - Something You Can Do With Your Finger (S4 E8)

It's Butters! - Butters' Very Own Episode (S5 E14)

Montage - Asspen (S6 E2)

Sea People and Me - The Simpsons Already Did It (S6 E7)

The Ballad of Lemmiwinks - The Death Camp of Tolerance (S6 E14)

Bleeding Heart Rock Protest Song vs. Pro War Country Song - I'm a Little Bit Country (S7 E4)

Taco Flavoured Kisses - Fat Butt and Pancake Head (S7 E5)

Faith + 1 Album - Christian Rock Hard (S7 E9)

Casa Bonita - Casa Bonita (S7 E11)

French Canada - It's Christmas in Canada (S7 E15)

Let's Fighting Love - Good Times with Weapons (S8 E1)

My Robot Friend - AWESOM-O (S8 E5)

I've Got Some Apples - Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset (S8 E12)

Make It Right - The Death of Eric Cartman (S9 E6)

Love Lost Long Ago - Follow That Egg! (S9 E10)

We Can Live Together - Ginger Kids (S9 E11)

I am the Dawg - Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy (S10 E10)

California Loves the Homeless - Night of the Living Homeless (S11 E7)

Imagination Song - Imaginationland (S11 E10-12)

Canada on Strike - Canada on Strike (S12 E4)

Super Fun Time - Super Fun Time (S12 E7)

You Gotta Do What You Wanna Do - Elementary School Musical

Gay Fish - Fishsticks (S13 E5)

Poker Face - Whale Whores (S13 E11)

Minorities at my Water Park - Pee (S13 E14)

You and Cthulhu - Mysterion Rises (S14 E12)

Work Mexican Work - The Last of the Meheecans (S15 E9)

I'm Not the Poorest Kid in School - The Poor Kid (S15 E4)

Make Bullying Kill Itself - Butterballs (S16 E5)

Jackin' it in San Diego - Butterballs (S16 E5)

I Swear - Cartman Finds Love (S16 E7)

Princess Kenny Theme - A Song of Ass and Fire (S17 E8)

My Bitch Ain't No Hobbit - The Hobbit (S17 E10)

Push (Feeling Good on a Wednesday) - The Cissy (S18 E3)

The Tale of Craig's Mom's Bush - The Magic Bush (S18 E5)

The Yelper Special (Boogers and Cum) - You're Not Yelping (S19 E4)

The Ballad of Tweek and Craig - Tweek x Craig (S19 E6)

Put It Down - Put It Down (S21 E2)

I Love You Social Distancing - The Pandemic Special

Mountain Town - South Park: Biggger, Longer & Uncut

Uncle Fucka - South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

It's Easy Mmkay - South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

Blame Canada - South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

Kyle's Mom's a Bitch - South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

What Would Brian Boitano Do - South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

Up There - South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

La Resistance - South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

I Can Change - South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

I'm Super - South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

We Missed You Randy - South Park: The Streaming Wars

I Got Cred, Bitches - South Park (Not Suitable For Children)

[hopemariposa]

My Thoughts (That You Didn’t Ask For) Upon Watching Bluey

art creds: Pinterest @kawo2206

god bless *blows kiss* <3

I hate Muffin. I hate Muffin with everything in me. She is the bane of my existence. I have never wished such violence upon a toddler.

The use of the term “tactical wee” has become part of my everyday vernacular. i have to tactical wee before my classes. I must tactical wee on road trips. I tell my mother to tactical wee. Bingo’s off-handed line has overtaken my life.

I have cried far too often during these episodes. Sometimes it isn’t even during a particularly emotional scene. Sometimes I just…. Cry

in the episode “tickle crab” (S2:E1). legitimately laughed more than I do during quote-on-quote “comedy movies”

the recurring joke names used during play scenes makes me point and gawk at the screen the way that MLP FIM expected me to every time they introduced a new allicorn

It has healed parts of me that I did not know needed to be healed. I have an undiagnosed something and have needed therapy since the seventh grade. But that is unrelated, I am sure.

now I give you this rigorous list of my favorite episodes:

S1:E7 “BBQ”— it humors me.

S1:E11 “Bike”— also the first episode I cried during

S1:E17 “Calypso”— scratches an itch in my brain, bonus points because it’s wholesome

S1:E37 “The Adventure”— the perfect depiction of a child’s overactive imagination (it’s me, I’m child)

S1:E43 “Camping”— iconic episode, is the reason I got interested in Bluey, no matter what the ending will make me cry

S2:E3 “Dance Mode”— just…. such a good lesson for little kids to learn and… oopsie I’m crying again

S2:E13 “Army”— wholesome as heck. so so wholesome. also I love Rusty and Jack.

S2:E18 “Escape”— just a fun episode

S2:E20 “Queens”— Bandit in this episode??? funniest thing ever.

S2:E35 “The Quiet Game”— I love Alfie. loved him from the moment I saw him. he must be cherished. awkward little cinnamon roll 🥺

please send me Alfie fanart. please.

finally, I leave you with this:

[51kas81]

Cold Case S1.E7 A Time to Hate (2003)

[vhvrs]

what's ur fave episode from each season of rick and morty?

s1 - e10, close rick-counters of the rick kind (e6 rick potion #9 close tie tho). for obvious reasons but also just for being a solid lore and at the time episodic adventure. s1e6 can carry itself really well too

s2 - either e6, the ricks must be crazy, or e9, look whos purging now. s2e6 has the same charm as s1e6 with how rick is completely in over his head and refusing to back down n only barely keeping him n morty from getting killed. also his iconic tank that everyone used to point to as proof he was trans ftw. i think e9 is just especially gorgeous

s3 - e7, ricklantis mixup. no contest (the experience of premiere dropping n the rush of experiencing it raw gets it close tho). haunting look into the way the citadel functions n look at how a specific dynamic can manifest on finite. also president morty ftw

s4 - e8, the vat of acid episode. the specifics of how the reset button works, how over the top gruesome rick made it just to get at morty, the absolute nothingburger that started this bc of another bullshit scenerio rick started. peak.

s5 - e8, rickternal friendshine of the spotless mort. neednt say more.

s6 - torn between e3, bethic twinstinct, and e8, analyze piss. both are solid from start to finish n dont pull any gotchas on their themes for a cheap joke by the end. canon rickcest n the beths being an official canon couple vs the absolute panic and guilttrip rick gets on over pissmaster while struggling hard to know how to be sympathic is tough.

s7 - too solid of a season.....another tie. both e5, unmortricken, and e3, air force wong, do rick lore shit im obsessed w while also doing shit im effy on (prime morty getting totally thrown away n evil morty tossed in for cheap fanservice its hard to tell if the show wanted u to see unity as in the wrong or rick but i hate that it made it feel like apologizing to him at all). actually no jerrick trap was my s7 goat, nothing id change abt it and they put burger in booty shorts. 10/10

[mintojaa]

House Episode Master List

Here is my recommended house episodes my credentials are that I have watched house 3 times and the episodes that I remember are worth it and the ones I don't after 3 times must be bad. If you are really bored you can watch them all; you can play spot the celebrity. I was going to describe them all but that's pretty spoiler-y so I will not......

Season 1

S1.E1 - Pilot Classic. You can see how baby Wilson is in the beginning.

I actually don't remember season 1 too much. You can just watch the whole season to get a sense of the house cast. I don't care much for the Volger subplot; he's just House's villian.

If you want to speed run it: S1.E5 / S1.E8 / S1.E10

S1.E21 - Three Stories Fun episode

Season 2

S2.E1 - Acceptance Gotta watch the first episode of every season I guess

S2.E5 - Daddy's Boy I admit I don't remember this episode but some House backstory for you.

S2.E6 - Spin Making you watch an episode for a crumb of Hilson

S2. E7 - Hunting Gaydar

(I skipped a lot of episodes; House has a arc with his ex and I don't care. There may be some Hilson sprinkled in)

S2.E14 - Sex Kills Hilson at the end

S2.E15 - Clueless Hilson

S2.E16 - Safe Oh good more Hilson

S2.E17 - All In Fun episode where they play poker

S2.E18 - Sleeping Dogs Lie Ok this episodes kinda funny at the end

S2.E19 - House vs. God Cute Hilson moment also some Wilson lore

If you want to find out why I hate Foreman feel free to watch S2.E20 & S2.E21

S2.E22 - Forever Sure. This episode could be hilson if you squint.

Season 3

S3.E1 - Meaning First episode of the season babyyyy

S3.E2 - Cane and Able

S3.E4 - Lines in the Sand

S3.E5 - Fools for Love

S3.E6 - Que Sera Sera

S3.E7 - Son of Coma Guy Oh I like this episode. Good hilson and a fun case.

S3.E8 - Whac-A-Mole Start of Hilson drama

S3.E9 - Finding Judas

S3.E10 - Merry Little Christmas

S3.E11 - Words and Deeds

S3.E15 - Half-Wit

S3.E21 - Family

S3.E22 - Resignation ngl I don't remember this one but the wiki says hilson so on the list it goes

Season 4

S4.E1 - Alone

S4.E2 - The Right Stuff

S4.E3 - 97 Seconds House does a little game show type of game to hire a new team; if you like it keep watching if you find it boring go ahead and skip. Olivia Wilde is in them and she's hot so I find them fun.

S4.E4 - Guardian Angels

S4.E5 - Mirror Mirror Hilson; don't blink or you'll miss it.

S4.E8 - You Don't Want to Know I will make you watch this episode for the tiniest bit of Hilson

S4.E9 - Games Hey it's that guy

S4.E10 - It's a Wonderful Lie

S4.E11 - Frozen

S4.E12 - Don't Ever Change

S4.E13 - No More Mr. Nice Guy

S4.E14 - Living The Dream House is just like us fr fr

S4.E15 - House's Head

S4.E16 - Wilson's Heart

Season 5

S5.E1 - Dying Changes Everything

S5.E2 - Not Cancer

S5.E4 - Birthmarks Hilson lets gooooooooooooooooooooo

S5.E5 - Lucky Thirteen I'm an Olivia Wilde apologist

S5.E7 - The Itch

S5.E9 - Last Resort

I hate Foreman!!!!!!!! BOO TO EPISODES 10-15ISH

S5.E17 - The Social Contract

S5.E18 - Here Kitty

S5.E19 - Locked In

S5.E22 - House Divided

S5.E23 - Under My Skin

S5.E24 - Both Sides Now

Season 6

S6.E1 & S6.E2

S6.E3 - Epic Fail WE HATE FOREMAN!!!!!!!

S6.E4 - The Tyrant

S6.E7 - Known Unknowns I don't remember but wiki says Wilson so

S6.E8 - Teamwork If you think Cameron and Chase are funny feel free to watch this one

S6.E10 - Wilson LETS GO WILSON EPISODEEEEEEEE

S6.E11 - The Down Low Hilson off the charts

S6.E12 - Remorse

S6.E15 - Private Lives Hey its that girl. Also she's just like me fr fr

S6.E16 - Black Hole Hilson

S6.E17 - Lockdown Thirteen gets along with the gays

S6.E18 - Knight Fall Thirteen is the best because House doesn't hit on her and simply goes to her for Wilson troubles.

S6.E20 - The Choice House and Wilson might be gay but this show is still h*m*ph*bic

S6.E21 - Baggage

Season 7

House and Cuddy date and it's awful and boring and makes no sense. You may watch the first few episodes if you wish but this show cannot write straight romance to save its life.

S7.E3 - Unwritten

S7.E5 - Unplanned Parenthood

S7.E12 - You Must Remember This

S7.E17 - Fall from Grace

S7.E18 - The Dig

S7.E21 - The Fix

Season 8

I do not care for season 8.

S8.E2 - Transplant Hilson

S8.E9 - Better Half The one hilson scene is so. much.

S8.E16 - Gut Check House and Wilson are in it.

S8.E17 - We Need the Eggs

S8E18 - Body & Soul

The rest of the episodes are Hilson so finish them up!

[warblogs17282]

I’m surprised Fizz x Ozzie isn’t in the top 50

Referenced post here:

(fyi I love the Fizz x Ozzie ship no hate to it don't burn me at the stake please)

Looking at the numbers for the bottom few, the Asmodeus x Fizzrolli pairing only has more total all time fanfics (1741) than a few of the listed ships in the works gained that year catagory, plus Stolitz has always existed from s1 e1, hell even the pilot if you want to count that version of Stolas, while Fizz x Ozzie was only really shown to be a thing starting at s1 e7. Plus the show follows Stolitz a lot more than Fizz x Ozzie because Blitz is the main protagonist of helluva boss, the show is more so centered around Blitz, Blitz has been in every episode so far, and Stolas is a very important person in Blitz's life (not saying that Fizzarolli isn't important in Blitz's life rn, but we're just waiting rn for that to be explored in more detail), so it's only natural that it puts a lot of focus on Stolitz and Stolas. Sure we have s2 e6 and e7 that has a focus on the Fizz x Ozzie pairing which 100% bumped up the numbers a bit, but that doesn't take away from the fact that Stolitz is still the most prevalent ship in the world of helluva boss.

Combining that with the number of total fanfics the Fizz x Ozzie pairing has, I can't say that I'm surprised that the pairing didn't get into the rankings at all, but I don't imagine it was too far off tbh.

[bookgeekgrrl]

My media this week (14-20 Jul 2024)

these eps are not getting any more hinged i will tell you that for free

📚 STUFF I READ 📚

😍 Baby Steps (BlueSimplicity) - 115K, stucky - really excellent fic with Steve having to step up and take care of a de-aged Bucky, which he fails hard at initially but then sorts himself out and learns to rely on his team. Just so, so good!

😊 Triple Sec (TJ Alexander, author; Jeremy Carlisle Parker, narrator) - I liked all the characters but found myself not really connecting with any of them so I kept putting this down to prioritize other things and took me forever to finish; @81% made decision to get ebook to complete and then when the hold finally came in I finished it in like an hour. AND I really liked that last 20% a lot -- Mel felt a lot less annoying to me. So for this one, audio was not the format for me, though I don't have any complaints about the narrator. I ultimately did enjoy the plot overall even as Mel kind of got on my nerves.

😊 An Assassination on the Agenda: A Lady Hardcastle Mystery, Book 11 (T.E. Kinsey, author; Elizabeth Knowelden, narrator) - Flo & Emily, always a romp. This is a series the reverse of the above, where I don't think I'd enjoy them nearly as much if reading text.

Descendants of Cyrano (letmetellyouaboutmyfeels) - 55K Buddie canon divergent where they work out their feelings via D&D - super entertaining. Never has the tag 'the rituals are intricate' been more appropriate

💖💖 +67K of shorter fic so shout out to these I really loved 💖💖

Collection: Corroded Coffin Fest (thisapplepielife) - Stranger Things: Corroded Coffin, sometimes Steddie, 24K (ongoing) - a collection of loosely interconnected 1000 word stories mainly about CC & its members - I really enjoyed this author's vision of the band. Also hitting that 1000 word precisely every time is an achievement.

📺 STUFF I WATCHED 📺

Taskmaster - s4, e4-8; s12, e1-5

Smartypants - s1, e7

Um, Actually - s9, e11

Monét's Slumber Party - s1, e1

D20: Never Stop Blowing Up - "Under the Night Sun" (s22, e4)

D20: Adventuring Party - "Gender Cascade" (s17, e4)

🎧 PODCASTS 🎧

⭐ Hit Parade - Song(s) of the Summer Edition

Consider This - A would-be assassin targets Trump. What it could mean for America.

Short Wave - The Dubious Consent Question At The Heart Of The Human Genome Project

The Atlas Obscura Podcast - Mother Jones and the Battle of Blair Mountain

Pop Culture Happy Hour - Longlegs is a (satanic) panic

The Sporkful - 2 Chefs And A Lie: Deconstructed Coney Dog Edition

WikiHole - Bruce Springsteen (with Ted Danson, Rashida Jones and Mike Schur)

WikiHole - Mondegreen (with Vanessa Bayer, Anthony Atamanuik and Gil Ozeri)

The Atlas Obscura Podcast - My Life in Three Places: Dylan Thuras

Pop Culture Happy Hour - Exploding Kittens is a simple card game turned wild cartoon

Vibe Check - Do It While It’s Still Legal

Outward - Can you love the bigotry away? Queer Advice with Mathew Rodriguez

If Books Could Kill - Breaking News Re-Release: "Hillbilly Elegy"

⭐ Decoder Ring - The Secret Life of Lawn Ornaments

⭐ This is Love - Switched-On

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🎶 MUSIC 🎶

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[k-s-morgan]

Will’s vs. Hannibal’s Ways of Expressing Love

The fact that Hannibal loves Will and is in love with him is openly stated in the show several times. Will’s feelings, on the other hand, are more ambiguous, which is why some viewers often doubt whether Hannibal’s love is reciprocated. I think that exploring the ways these two men experience and react to love can explain the varying degrees of their openness about it.

I’ll put TLDR right here: Hannibal is more open about himself and his feelings, including love, hence he doesn’t have many challenges with admitting it. Will is closed off, stiff, and emotionally repressed, so he expresses his feelings in a much more subtle way.

Let’s start with Hannibal. Details about his past are scarce, but we know that he admits to loving two people throughout his life, his sister and Will.

E3 of S3.

*Bedelia: What your sister made you feel was beyond your conscious ability to control or predict … I would suggest what Will Graham makes you feel is not dissimilar. A force of mind and circumstance.*    

*Hannibal: Love.*

Undoubtedly, Hannibal’s love for Mischa was traumatic and unhealthy. He loved her so much that he ate a part of her body after she was killed, devastated by this loss. But it was still love that made him feel all the related emotions, so Hannibal has some experience with it. From what we know of him, he has a very broad mind. He despises limitations and overcomes them, and he is not ashamed of who he is. He isn’t embarrassed to cry in the opera or to be the first to stand up and applaud; he delights in stereotypically ‘feminine’ hobbies like cooking and clothes selection; he draws fan-art and openly expresses his admiration when it’s due. For this reason, Hannibal doesn’t have many problems with expressing love either.  

Upon meeting Will, he is immediately drawn to him. He sees him as his potential partner and decides he wants to try and build a family with him as early as E2 of S1. That’s when he starts planting the idea of Abigail being their shared daughter in Will’s mind. He does the same to Abigail, urging her to see him and Will as her parents, even giving her shrooms to evoke the desired associations (unsuccessfully since Will doesn’t come to dinner). So, Hannibal acknowledged his pull/infatuation with Will from the very start, and he acted on it right away.

It’s not 100% love at this point, but Hannibal still easily follows his emotions. He doesn’t stop to consider how strange it is to want a family with a man he just met; he doesn’t agonize over the idea of how his life has more risks now that he allows another human being to know him. When these feelings progress at the end of S1/start of S2, Hannibal is finally taken aback. While he never planned to leave Will in prison and it was a part of his plan, he still didn’t expect to miss him so much — he admits it to Bedelia, looking forlorn, in E1 of S2. He repeatedly pines for Will by sitting in front of his chair at the time of his supposed appointment, glancing at the clock despite knowing Will is not going to come. This is a shift to an actual love, but Hannibal still doesn’t fight it. On the contrary, he embraces it, and he spends the entire S2 doing repeatedly romantic gestures for Will. Namely:

1) Protects Abigail to reunite Will with her later.

2) Shares a part of himself he doesn’t seem to have ever shared with anyone else. He talks to Will about Mischa, reveals his views on murder and God, acknowledges he cared about Abigail, and shows vulnerability. He shares his teacup ritual with him, which is something precious and deeply personal.

3) He digs up fake Freddie’s corpse and decorates it as a way of courting Will (as directly said by Alana).  

4) He draws a fan-art of himself and Will as Achilles and Patroclus.

5) He is ready to abandon his well-established life in Baltimore and reputation to run away with Will. In Hannibal’s view, no one truly suspects him and there is no evidence against him, but Will is in danger. So he’s willing to discard everything he’s been building for 20 years for him.

Finally, he calls Will a loved one more or less directly in E13 of S2 (in fact, he implies that they both love each other).

*Hannibal: Do you know what an imago is, Will? … An imago is an image of a loved one buried in the unconscious, carried with us all our lives.*

*Will: An ideal.*

*Hannibal: The concept of an ideal... I have a concept of you, just as you have a concept of me.*

Will hurts him with his betrayal, and Hannibal still finds himself unable to kill him. He is openly crying in the finale, admitting how Will hurt him, breaks his (and his own) heart by killing Abigail, and flees to Europe to start a new life. But things don’t go as he hoped they would. Bedelia is not a worthy substitute, and Hannibal is increasingly slipping into a self-destructive state because of his love for Will. He kills Anthony, who was an improved copy of Will, and turns him into a Valentine heart for him. Again, this is a very explicit and open emotional action. Hannibal doesn’t hide his feelings. He’s an emotional wreck with Bedelia in E3, and as they are talking about Will, he admits he’s in love with him.

*Hannibal: You cannot control with respect to whom you fall in love.*

Bedelia points out his self-destructiveness.

*Bedelia: You're going to get caught. It's already been set into motion … I know exactly how I will be navigating my way out of whatever it is I’ve gotten myself into. Do you?*

After Hannibal keeps spiraling and kills Sogliato, she adds: *You're drawing them to you, aren't you? All of them.*  

Hannibal gets so self-destructive over Will that he lets Jack beat himself almost to death, not even attempting to fight him. The first words he says to Will after they reunite in E6 are:

*Hannibal: If I saw you every day forever, Will, I would remember this time.*

He’s a romantic. The courtship, the Valentine heart, the romance — Hannibal did have some struggles, but overall, he accepts these feelings and isn’t afraid to act on them.

When Will pulls a knife in E6, Hannibal classifies it as another betrayal. This is where he decides to kill and eat him in the hope to put an end to this misery (which is what he and Bedelia discussed back in E3). However, even blinded by another heartbreak, Hannibal tries to save Will at the same time. He knows the police are coming and he puts off the moment of sawing for as long as he can, first fussing over Will and his wound, then waiting for Jack, then doing everything slowly as hell.

Everything changes in E7, when Hannibal faces the real risk of losing Will and comes to terms with the fact that a hope of life with him is better than life without him. So Hannibal carries Will home bridal-style, takes care of him, waits for him to wake up and writes formulas to reverse time. He directly tells Will that Will won, and that he, Hannibal, is at Will’s mercy.

*Hannibal: Your memory palace is building. It's full of new things. It shares some rooms with my own. I've discovered you there. Victorious.*

He gives himself up, sacrificing the freedom he’s been fighting for back in E2 finale, in the hope that one day, Will is going to come back to him. After this, Hannibal is all about Will, with all his heart. Throughout the second half of S3, he says things like, *“I gave you a child. You are family, Will. Was it good to see me?”*, etc. He agrees to risk his life by agreeing to Will’s plan, knowing he’s planning something but not knowing what and if he’d die in the process. In E13, Hannibal says:

*Hannibal: "No greater love hath man than to lay down his life for a friend"* and shields Will from the bullet. Later, he allows Will to push them both down, and he stays with him afterward.

Conclusion: Hannibal is very accepting of himself, so he doesn’t undergo severe challenges on the path to acknowledging what he feels for Will. He knows what love feels like because he felt it for Mischa before, so he embraces loving Will pretty quickly, even though he doesn’t know how to best approach it at times. That’s why we get direct and explicit confirmation of his feelings several times.

Now, on to Will.

Unlike with Hannibal, there is no evidence that Will has ever experienced love before (at least love for people). We know he had a father and was lonely as a child.

E4 of S1.

*Will: We were poor. I followed my father from the boat yards in Biloxi and Greenville to lake boats on Erie.*

*Hannibal: Always the new boy at school? Always the stranger?*

*Will: Always.*

His choice of words indicates that his relationship with his father wasn’t all that good (for instance, *I followed my father* instead of *My father and I had to…*). So, it doesn’t look like Will ever had meaningful connections. More than that, he says:

*Will: There’s something so foreign about family. Like an ill-fitting suit. Never connected to the concept.*

We can suggest that he doesn’t know what love is or how it feels like. From E1, we know he isolates himself because he hates himself for who he is: he understands he’s different, that there is darkness in him, but he desperately tries to subdue it and deny this fact. He’s rude, twitchy, and unhappy, but like Hannibal, he understands the extent of his loneliness only upon meeting him. That’s when he tries forming relationships with others.

Will’s relationships with Alana and Abigail are a good indication of his problems with love. He wants to be with Alana because he needs to feel normal. In 99% of cases, he remembers about her only when she comes to seek him out first. He kisses her for the first time at the moment of particular vulnerability, fearing that he’s finally losing his mind (in E8). When Hannibal calls him out on it, Will doesn’t deny it and semi-nods. He actually had to agree with it verbally according to the script.

*Will: I feel unstable.*

*Hannibal: That’s why you kissed her. A clutch for balance.*

*Will: Because I’m losing mine.*

So, it’s not that Will feels romantic love for Alana — he uses her because he desperately needs to feel like everyone else. Alana is a pretty, smart, normal woman who fits this goal perfectly. He doesn’t allow himself to be genuine with her unlike he does with Hannibal, to whom he opens up.

Will confesses to Hannibal that he loved killing Hobbs in E2, which got him down and made him panic. Hannibal supports him, and Will keeps coming back to him. He talks about everything important with Hannibal, opening parts of himself that he guards from everyone else. Will asks Hannibal to look after his dogs as early as E4 — he doesn’t have other friends, and he’s already focused on Hannibal. He buys into an idea of having a family with him and Abigail, which is amazing for Will, who has just said he could never relate to the concept of family.

When Will buys a gift for Abigail in the same E4 and freaks out, Hannibal asks him:

*Hannibal: Feeling paternal, Will?*

Will’s reaction is instant and defensive:

*Will: Aren’t you?*

Hannibal easily says “yes”, which disarms Will. This is a great contrast between them: Hannibal isn’t afraid to talk and acknowledge his feelings while Will is embarrassed of them and shies away from them. In fact, this is a repeat of their conversation in E2.

*Hannibal: You saved Abigail Hobbs' life. You also orphaned her. It comes with certain emotional obligations.*

*Will: You were there. You saved her life, too. Do you feel obligated?*

Again, Will deflects. He’s wary of emotions, especially of admitting them out loud.

Will shows a hint of romantic interest in Hannibal in E7. He brings him a bottle of wine out of blue, but unfortunately, he stumbles upon the party Hannibal is preparing. Hannibal invites him to stay, but Will says he won’t be good company. He’s shy and awkward, smiling nervously and dropping his gaze in embarrassment. Then we have this lovely line:

*Will: I’ve got a date with the Chesapeake Ripper.*

So, in S1, Will makes considerable emotional progress. He realizes he wants a family after all, and while he makes several half-hearted attempts to court Alana, he’s mostly focused on Hannibal and Abigail. He opens himself up to Hannibal, receives official guardianship over Abigail with him, arguably flirts with Hannibal (like in the wine scene above), and covers up murder to protect their family. But then Hannibal betrays him. Will doesn’t know his reasons yet, but this betrayal plunged him into darkness, bitterness, and new stage of emotional repression. It’s worth mentioning another point of Abigail here: in the end, Will doesn’t know her. He spoke to her only several times, and even fewer times were genuine. He loves the idea of her, and this idea was introduced by Hannibal, not by Abigail’s presence. It’s Hannibal who forced Will to confront his need to love and be loved.  

In S2, Will is incredibly conflicted. He acknowledges to Hannibal that he hurt him, tries to kill him via Matthew, but when he recognizes that Hannibal wants him as a friend (as spoken in E7), his attitude changes. Will doesn’t plan to forgive him, he’s still angry at Hannibal for killing Abigail (which is his biggest conflict, as evident from his talks with Hannibal himself and Freddie), but now, he can’t bring himself to harm or betray Hannibal.

He gets his first chance in E7, after being released from prison. He threatens Hannibal with a gun and has a perfect chance to make him pay, but he doesn’t. Instead, he conspires with Jack and decides to cultivate co-dependency, creating an environment where only he “and the fish exist” (E8). What does Will do to start? He makes himself physically attractive, grooming and dressing prettily. It’s a seduction on all levels, and Will plans to use emotions to hurt Hannibal back. At the same time, Will admits to being confused over what he feels for Hannibal.

E8 of S2.

*Will: I envy you your hate. Makes it much easier when you know how to feel.*

E9 of S2 (talking about trying to kill Hannibal with Margot).

*Margot: Did he have it coming?*

*Will: What do you think?*

*Margot: I can't say that I know.*

*Will: Neither can I.*

He spends the rest of the season lying to both Hannibal and Jack, unsure whose side to choose, too lost in his own feelings to make sense of them. At the same time, he has a dream where Hannibal calls him beloved in E9. It shows that Will contemplates the idea of love in relation to Hannibal. In E10, Will tries to fantasize about Alana as he’s having sex with Margot. However, he sees the image of Wendigo near the fireplace, Wendigo who he’s used to associating with Hannibal. Two interesting things (copied from my other meta): first, Will actually sees Hannibal’s room and consequently, he sees himself in it (or he sees their rooms united). Second, he sees the Wendigo near Hannibal’s fireplace. Fireplace has many meanings, including passion, sexuality, home, family, and resurrection. It emphasizes the sexual and romantic subtext of this uniquely shot scene, where people destined to be together have sex with the wrong partners. Will’s vision begins to contract, focusing on Wendigo: he is having an orgasm at this very moment, imagining the Wendigo’s face very close, approaching him. Still through the misty eyes, he tries to focus on Alana again, but his gaze moves up to Wendigo above her, as if he can’t help himself. He and Hannibal reach orgasm first, with Alana and Margot following them. So, Will dragged Hannibal into his sex fantasy. It’s both symbolic and physical: he tried to imagine Alana just like he tried to have a relationship with her before, in S1, out of his desire to be normal. But his attention is inevitably drawn to Hannibal, who’s his “real deal”.

Based on this scene, it’s underlined once again how Will struggles with emotions. Even in the safety of his own mind, in his own fantasy, he tries to think of Alana but still ends up with Hannibal. Will is always fighting himself and who he is. He refuses to accept his darkness just as he refuses to admit he loves Hannibal. It’s the essence of who he is, denial is his second name.

Among the important moments, there are Will’s words to Hannibal:

*Will: You are right. We are just alike. You are as alone as I am. And we are both alone without each other.*

So, Will accepts the bond with Hannibal, and at this stage, he even has the courage to voice some of his emotional thoughts. His progress is slow, but it’s there.

In E11, Will has a nightmare. He sees a burning corpse of ‘Freddie’ in a wheelchair, a symbol of his betrayal of Hannibal, and he hears his own increasing screaming. It’s easy to interpret, knowing the context: Will feels guilty for lying to Hannibal.

When Margot loses her child, Will feels renewed anger at Hannibal. He fantasizes about killing him and gets to realize his fantasy with Mason’s help in E12. But at the last moment, Will changes his mind and chooses Hannibal. He does the same thing in E13 by calling him. When he sees him, he doesn’t even try to point a gun at him: he asks why he didn’t leave as he was supposed to, and he even leans forward to accept the knife, accept the punishment for betrayal.

So, Will chooses Hannibal over Abigail, for whom he wanted justice; over his and Margot’s child, for whom he wanted revenge; over Jack and Alana, who were his only semblance of friends; over his own confusion and desire to be normal. For someone as emotionally stunted as Will, it’s huge. It proves that he loves Hannibal and is willing to compromise all other relationships he has formed as well his own beliefs for him (while Will is dark, he tries to fight it because he doesn’t think people like them are normal). Is it romantic? Will’s dream with the word “beloved” and his sex fantasy, as well as his acceptance of the idea that he and Hannibal were Abigail’s fathers (which makes them partners) imply that yes, romantic feeling is a part of it.

Hannibal’s romantic feelings became explicit in S3, and so did Will’s. But since Hannibal is more open and self-accepting, his were discussed out loud while Will’s were mostly portrayed silently, implied, and alluded to.

Will builds a boat to sail and find Hannibal, which is pretty romantic by itself. He spends his time in Hannibal’s house, in the kitchen where their bloody break-up happened, imagining Abigail near him. When Alana comes to find him, he asks her to leave. He’s cold and indifferent toward her — she’s not what he wants, and he’s not interested in even friendship with her. All he wants is to mourn his lost family with Hannibal and Abigail. Again, Hannibal is Will’s priority.

Will imagines his perfect world as the one where he and Hannibal killed Jack together. This scene is intercut with his Mizumono memories, namely, with Hannibal's face that emerges every time he moves yet another part of the engine. This is a vivid demonstration of Will trying to repair what is now broken. When Jack asks him why he called him, Will is indifferent and genuine:

*Will: I wasn't decided when I called him. I just called him. I deliberated while the phone rang. I decided when I heard his voice … I told him to leave. I wanted him to run … Because he was my friend. And because I wanted to run away with him.*

That’s a big admission for Will. This is the first time he openly acknowledges Hannibal as his friend in front of another person. Chilton calls Will and Hannibal’s interactions a “flirtation” in this episode, which once again points us in the romantic direction.

The entire E2 of S3 is dedicated to Will’s love for Hannibal, where he argues about it with himself in the form of imaginary Abigail. This is another proof of Will’s problem with emotions in general and emotions for Hannibal in particular. He can’t just think to himself as normal people do — no, he can’t admit how much he loves Hannibal this. Instead, he imagines Abigail and talks to himself through her to make it easier. He berates himself for lying.

*Will/Abigail: We were all supposed to leave together. He made a place for us. Why did you lie to him? He gave you a chance to take it all back, and you just kept lying.*

Will is reverent about Hannibal; he keeps talking about him over and over again.

*Will: This isn't Hannibal, it's just where he begins. Beyond this, far and complex, light and dark, is the vast structure of his mind. A thousand rooms, miles of corridors. Everything he remembers, wonderfully and fearfully reconstructed.*

Will goes as far as lies at the place where Hannibal’s Valentine heart for him was, reconstructing this image and trying to feel close to him. The heart comes to life the moment Will touches it, which is romantic. Will says:

*Will: A valentine written on a broken man … I do feel closer to Hannibal here. God only knows where I would be without him … He left us his broken heart … He misses us.*

He looks on the verge of tears, so Hannibal’s gift touched him. Will is overcome by emotions. At this very moment, his more frightened side suggests that Hannibal is also playing with him.

*Will: Hannibal follows several trains of thought at once without distraction from any, and one of the trains is always for his own amusement.*

We know it’s not the case, especially here, but Will has trust issues and a low self-esteem. He’s worried that Hannibal’s feelings for him aren’t as strong as he thinks they are, which is why he’s not sure how to react himself. He asks himself, *“You still want to go with him?”* and replies, *“Yes.” He wonders about what life they’d have if they left.

*Will: What if no one died? What if we all left together? Like we were supposed to. After he served the lamb. Where would we have gone? … In some other world.*

Pazzi comes and tells Will that he hopes they’ll catch Hannibal together.

*Will: What makes you think I want to catch him?*

Later, Pazzi says:

*Pazzi: He let you know him. He sent you his heart.*

E2 ends with Will scaring Pazzi and telling him, *“You don’t know whose side I’m on.* Then he tells Hannibal he forgives him, which is also a huge step in his direction.

This entire episode proves that yes, Will loves Hannibal. Considering how he isn’t awkward from receiving a Valentine or hearing that Hannibal gave him his heart, Will shares the romantic aspect of Hannibal’s feelings for him. He regrets not running away with him and their daughter, he places himself on the floor where the heart was to feel closer to him — this is such a rich romantic subtext that it’s practically text. Especially for Will, who remains so conflicted and emotionally restrained all the time.

Will’s attitude changes after seeing Chiyoh. He becomes more bitter. Considering how dark he is in these scenes and how he constantly compares himself and Chiyoh, he likely sees her as someone Hannibal was supposed to love but easily abandoned. It makes Will draw the parallels between them, and he starts to doubt that Hannibal loves him, that his “broken heart” has any authentic meaning. That’s where he starts thinking about killing Hannibal again. He still says:

*Will: I’ve never known myself as well as I know myself when I’m with him.*

This line also speaks volumes. Hannibal gave Will a precious gift of understanding himself; he showed that he could accept him, and Will is drawn to it. Will admits the depth of their connection to yet another person. Then he makes a firefly from Chiyoh’s prisoner, a tribute that is clearly done with Hannibal in his mind, considering the style and the central topic.

Chiyoh sees right through Will’s emotional constipation. She implies that he should “kiss” Hannibal rather than keep being “violent”:

*Chiyoh: I told you, there are means of influence other than violence.*

She kisses Will then, thus showing him what others means exist. He doesn’t get it, though, since he responds to her kiss despite not feeling anything for her, and she pushes him off the train, likely admitting he’s a hopeless case.

Meeting Jack, Will tells him that a part of him will always want to leave with Hannibal. This is yet another declaration from him. Will isn’t scared of the consequences — he speaks of his feelings openly now. It’s a great development of his character.

But the feeling of doubt about Hannibal likely resurfaces further after Will sees that Hannibal replaced him and Abigail with Bedelia in E6 (hence his hatred for her since that moment). He mocks her alibi and then leaves to reunite with Hannibal. The following moment was deleted, but it still discloses some of Will’s romantic feelings:

*Will: I looked up at the night sky there. Orion above the horizon and, near it, Jupiter. I wondered if you could see it, too. I wondered if our stars were the same.*

From the words that did get into the episode:

*Will: You and I have begun to blur ... We're conjoined. Curious if either of us can survive separation.*

Will doesn’t just admit the bond between them, he elevates it the level of soulmates, implying they are one and the same. It’s also a declaration of love in his language. But love doesn’t stop Will from being vindictive, hurt, and angry, so after meetings with Chiyoh and Bedelia that affected his perception, he pulls out a knife as he and Hannibal are walking together.

There is a brain-sawing disaster after this and E7, where Will looks done and tired from the madness and his constant attempts to figure Hannibal out. He does bite Cordell before looking at Hannibal, seeking his approval; he uses “we” pronouns when speaking about Hannibal with Alana. One example:

*Will: You helped Mason Verger find us.*

So, he still sees himself and Hannibal as a team, but he’s still tired and bitter, so after everything is over, he hurts Hannibal by saying he doesn’t share his appetite and by attacking him emotionally.

*Will: I miss my dogs. I'm not going to miss you. I'm not going to find you. I'm not going to look for you. I don't want to know where you are or what you do. I don't want to think about you anymore.*

This is all personal and emotional. It sounds like a break-up, which is exactly how Bryan Fuller and others referred to it. When Hannibal leaves and Jacks arrives, Will puts on his glasses, an indication that he’s hiding again.

Fast-forward 3 years. Will is married now, but from the very start, we see that this marriage isn’t all people usually expect it to be. The first scene shows the family apart. Molly and Walter have gone fishing, which is something Will loves. He had dreams about teaching Abigail how to fish, but he doesn’t go to do that with his family, preferring to stay alone instead. It’s the first hint that his heart isn’t in this relationship, that he’s too hung up on the past to move forward and make new happy memories.

Jack came to drag him to Dragon’s case, and Will makes it look like he’s reluctant. At the same time, he doesn’t send Jack away, even though we know from the past that he has no qualms being frank when he wants to. More than that, he asks him not to show pics to Molly, but when they have dinner, Will deliberately leaves the house with Walter, leaving Jack and Molly together. At night, when Molly’s asleep, he crawls out of bed and goes to read Hannibal’s letter. He doesn’t tell the truth to Molly about himself and his dark urges, about everything he has done – Molly clearly has no idea who he truly is, considering how she jokes about his ‘criminal mind’ in later episodes and how Will immediately closes himself off from her. He never initiates physical touches with her; he doesn’t return her “I love you”, which is an even bigger indication of his lack of commitment. Will is emotionally stiff with Molly for the most part, and the only times he laughs with her or shows any emotion is when they are talking about superficial stuff in the former case and when he’s furious after Francis’ attack in the latter one. Other than that, there is no closeness or honesty.

Another point of Will’s inability to express or even give his love to someone is in his scene with Walter in E11. This child, his step-son, has just been attacked by a serial killer with his mother. His mother was hurt and they barely escaped. Will doesn’t hug him or offer him paternal emotional comfort; he’s very awkward. All he says is, “You're both safe here,” which is something an officer might say but not a father. Will was much more emotional in his fantasies about Abigail.

This is what Will says about Walter’s reaction to Jack:

*Will: He read about me in a Freddie Lounds article. I had to justify myself to an eleven year old.*

He’s resentful and not emotional. He doesn’t say, “I had to justify myself to my son!” – he distances himself from him. Will is cold. He has expressed his feelings for Hannibal at this point in rather poetic ways, but he can’t be bothered to do this for his wife and his son.

He treats Hannibal in a very reserved fashion too, in comparison to how he acted 3 years ago. However: first, there is the fact that he came to visit him in the first place. Will didn’t need his help, we saw very clearly how he managed to easily reconstruct the crime scene the night before. It proved that his mindset is in a good shape, so he didn’t need Hannibal’s assistance. But it’s Hannibal he requested to see right away.

Will distances himself from him by calling him “Doctor Lecter” and insisting that he’s more comfortable the less personal they are. His eyes glisten, though, and he can’t look away from Hannibal. The impersonal approach doesn’t last very long, too, and soon, they are talking like they always did. Hannibal accuses Will of marrying for false reasons.

*Hannibal: How did you choose yours? Readymade wife and child to serve your needs. A stepson or daughter. A stepson absolves you of any biological blame. You know better than to breed. Can't pass on those terrible traits you fear the most.*

Will doesn’t bother to deny it, though any man would have been offended, particularly if he truly loved his family. In Will’s case, from the experience and all the precedents, silence = agreement.

In E10, Will seeks Bedelia out. He acts catty and jealous, targeting her personal connection with Hannibal.

*Will: You didn't lose yourself, Bedelia, you just crawled so far up his ass you couldn't be bothered.* - personal, targeted against Bedelia's attachment to Hannibal.

*Will: You hitched your star to a man commonly known as a monster. You're the Bride of Frankenstein.* - personal, attack with romantic connotation. Bedelia catches up on it and mocks him:

*Bedelia: We've both been his bride. Have you been to see him?*

*Will: Yes.*

*Bedelia: Haven't learned anything, have you? Or did you just miss him that much?*

*Will: Have you been to see him?* - personal again. Will wants to know if Bedelia is keeping contact with Hannibal.

*Bedelia: I've seen enough of him. I was with him behind the veil. You were always on the other side.*

*Will: Something we should talk about.* - again, personal. It's all personal, which is why Bryan and Hugh called them Hannibal's jealous bitchy exes. Will is palpably jealous and he shows his resentment to Bedelia openly.

Later, we have some more romantic references.

*Bedelia: My relationship with Hannibal is not as passionate as yours. You are here visiting old flame. Is your wife aware of how intimately you and Hannibal know each other? … Your experience of Hannibal’s attention is so profoundly harmful yet so irresistible, it undermines your ability to think rationally.*

So, there is romantic text, parallels between Hannibal and Will’s wife, and Will doesn’t deny any of this again. He keeps coming to Bedelia because she’s the only person he can talk about Hannibal to without being watched.

After Hannibal sends Francis after Molly and Walter, Will spends about a minute being angry with him. Then he accuses Hannibal of staging a competition between him and Francis. It is startling: Will spent months, years mourning the loss of Abigail who he didn’t even really know personally, yet he forgets the gravity of what happened to his wife and won very quickly. He leaves Molly and Walter and tells Bedelia that they are finished. One traumatic event, and Will left. It coincides with something very important that happened here: after this, Will finally figures out Hannibal is truly in love with him. So he goes to Bedelia to discuss it with her.

*Will: Is Hannibal in love with me?*

*Bedelia: Could he daily feel a stab of hunger for you, and find nourishment at the very sight of you? Yes. But do you ache for him?*

Will is predictably silent. Obviously, if the answer was no, he would have said no. But he struggles because like we established, he has issues with expressing emotions. He only managed to start referring to Hannibal as his friend openly in this season, opening up about some of his feelings, but he’s not ready to go this far. It would be absolutely out of character for Will to say, “Yes, you know, I’m in love with him! Thanks for helping me see it.” Every confession Will makes is preceded by struggles and heartbreak. But he’s going to reply to Bedelia’s question, only not explicitly-verbally.

Will sets up Chilton and then comes to allegedly say good-bye to Hannibal. He lies several times in their conversation (about Chilton and Molly with Walter), so all his words are automatically suspicious. Regardless, he destroys Hannibal emotionally and walks away. Personally, I believe he was already planning to break him out, so he was playing it up for cameras and also taking a chance to hurt Hannibal for everything again. But whatever his plan was, what happens next is that Will conspires with Francis against Jack, Alana, and the FBI. They agree to break Hannibal out together. Will lies to Jack and then gets to ask Hannibal for help. He’s being flirty and manipulative in this scene.

*Will: I need you, Hannibal … You're our best shot, Hannibal. Please.*

He’s smirking, he leans close to Hannibal, he sends him a flirty look from under his eyelashes. Will is thoroughly enjoying himself, and he does it best when he has some excuse to hide behind.

Later, he lies to Jack and Alana again, leaks info to Francis (who nearly killed his wife and son), and gets many officers killed by proxy. He tells Bedelia the truth that he doesn’t “intend Hannibal to be caught a second time.” He also implies that he’s going to let him go free, which is why Bedelia should pack her bags.

*Bedelia: Can't live with him. Can't live without him. Is that what this is?*

This time, Will agrees, although in his way.

*Will: I guess this is my Becoming.*

For Will, Becoming was always connected to his feelings for Hannibal because accepting himself and his darkness meant being free to escape with Hannibal.

*Bedelia: You found religion. Nothing more dangerous than that.*

In E3, it was stated that love is a God (you can find more here https://www.reddit.com/r/HannibalTV/comments/7w54dg/lovegodreligion_s3_parallels/), so it’s possible to say that religion = love in this context. It certainly makes sense. Will is accepting himself and his emotions, and the trigger was establishing for sure that Hannibal is in love with him.

Will and Hannibal drive to the cliff house. When Hannibal asks Will if he intends to save himself by killing them both (Hannibal and Francis), Will replies:

*Will: I don't know if I can save myself. And maybe that's just fine.*

This is the first time he confesses that he might be incapable of killing Hannibal. Predictably, when Francis comes, Will can’t handle seeing Hannibal killed, so he reaches for his gun.

Will and Hannibal work as a unit and protect each other. Hannibal is shot, nearly strangled, thrown onto the ground, and he is still weakly holding on Francis' leg to prevent him from going after Will, even though it leaves him in an open and vulnerable position — Francis does kick him in the face with his other leg. There is fierce determination on Will's face as he stands up despite the pain and runs to save Hannibal. They act in synch, consummating their relationship.

Then, Will admires how blood looks on his hand and repeats Hannibal’s words:

*Will: It really does look black in the moonlight.*

He remembers the words Hannibal said to him weeks ago in one of their endless interactions. A bit earlier, he perfectly recalled the words Hannibal told him *years* ago, back in the middle of S2.

*Will: I understand that “blood and breath are only elements undergoing change to fuel your Radiance." Hannibal said those words. To me.*

So, Will remembers everything Hannibal told him. He stores these memories. It’s a small but still important proof how important Hannibal is for him.

At the cliff, Will finally accepts the truth.

*Hannibal: See. This is all I ever wanted for you, Will. For both of us.*

We know what Hannibal wanted: a Murder Husband. What does Will say to this?

*Will: It’s beautiful.*

This is a loud “yes” to Bedelia’s question about his feelings. Will acknowledges, accepts, and admires them. He doesn’t feel awkward, as he would if he knew Hannibal is in love with him but didn’t feel the same. No, he reaches forward to embrace him, and such physical contact from Will is mind-blowing because he almost never does it. He clings to Hannibal, puts his head on his shoulder, touches him as if he wants to melt with him. Then he gives the fate a chance to stop both of them or to set them free. They fall into the ocean under the Love Crime song, another romantic element.

Water symbolizes reborn, and post-credits scene indicates that Will and Hannibal have paid a visit to Bedelia and are in the process of eating her while she’s hiding the fork to stab one of them as he approaches. The deleted epilogue to the series shows that they are in perfect harmony now.

**Conclusion**: Will has passed through a long, painful journey. He went from hiding from emotions and deflecting to not denying and carefully acknowledging them. We don’t hear words “love” or “in love” from him in relation to Hannibal because Will is not that kind of person. He doesn’t use these words freely, and for him, every small emotional step is a struggle. He tried to deceive himself and other numerous times; he tied to deny the truth and manipulate his own mind, but with each season, his feelings for Hannibal became more and more explicit. Will reaching out for physical contact, Will saying “It’s beautiful” are his way of saying, “I ached for you. I love you.”

This is a story of mutual love and obsession, about soulmates, about unique type of connection that few people share. It’s not about Hannibal falling in love and Will not feeling the same. Their feelings are equally strong, but they express them differently, particularly as Will’s are tied to the acceptance of his own darkness.

[starring-movies]

Killing Eve: Episode Analysis

*SPOILERS*

Season 1, Episode 3 - Don’t I Know You?

Episode 3 begins with Eve giving a description of Villanelle to an e-fit (Electronic Facial Identification Technique) worker. From Eve’s detailed description it’s evident how much she managed to take in about Villanelle from their short initial encounter. To give such attention to the small details of Villanelle’s appearance that Eve does, shows how Eve must have been attracted to Villanelle when they met. Bill picks up on this attraction from Eve’s description too, as he mentions it to Eve when they’re in the hotel room in Berlin, asking her is she’s “ever been interested in women? Not even ones with delicate features...”. Eve giving a deeper description, talking about Villanelle’s demeanour and interpreting her expression - the “lost look in her eye” and her inaccessibility - also shows how Eve has repeatedly been going over their meeting in her head.

WHile she is killing Zhang Wu [aka Fat Panda], Villanelle tells him to “look at me” so she can watch the spark drain from his eyes, just as she has done for all her kills up to this point. Just like the other kills we also watch Villanelle’s delight in this moment.

When Niko and Eve are examining whether the egg their chicken has laid is safe to eat, at the same time they are also having a second conversation about the risks at Eve’s job. Throughout the conversation Niko and Eve keep getting the egg and Eve’s job confused between which of the two subjects they are talking about. Eggs symbolise new beginnings, new life and unhatched potential, and these things are also descriptions that could be given to Eve’s job - it’s giving her a new start and is ‘unhatching’ her potential to allow her to pursue what she’s passionate about, and as the series continues she does begin a new life. However, Eve questions if the egg is too risky to eat, just as her job is risky and ultimately results in the ending of her marriage and life with Niko.

Bill’s line to his baby saying “Daddy’s going to die, isn’t he”, before he and Eve leave for Berlin, is possibly the only moment that I thought was too on the nose and too blatant in its execution.

After finding and bringing back to her room, Pamela, a woman with as many similarities to Eve as she could possibly hope for, the first thing Villanelle tells Pamela to do is take down her hair. Throughout the scene Villanelle seems to be more focused on the woman’s voluminous curly hair than anything else. The reason for which we obviously know is because women with thick, curly hair remind Villanelle of Anna, however, in this instance Villanelle seems to be purely going for Pamela’s resemblance to Eve. The woman has an American accent, is middle aged, has similar hair, and is dressed in similar clothes to Eve.

If it weren’t already clear that Villanelle was seeking out a stand in for Eve, Villanelle blatantly tells Pamela “I’m going to call you Eve, okay”. Villanelle tells Pamela that she’s going to call her Eve because of a “little biblical fantasy” she has, and it may be stretch but coincidentally Villanelle is wearing a shiny green top like the serpent that tempts Eve in the story of Adam and Eve. Villanelle is a bit like the serpent in the bible story as well, she tempts Eve away form the perfectly happy life that was already laid out for her with the promise of more and something better, just like the serpent.

After Bill apologies to Eve for losing her suitcase, she tells him that it was fine because she hated all her clothes anyway, but the scarf Niko gave her was amongst those clothes. The scarf is the green one with zebras on it, which Villanelle wears later on and is the thing that allows Bill to recognise her when he sees her at the U-Bahn.

Since Eve says she hates all her clothes, we can also assume she hated the scarf and was only upset at losing it because Niko gave it to her, but not because she actually liked it style-wise. Bill’s comment that he was doing Eve a favour from losing the scarf in the suitcase also indicates that even Bill is aware that the scarf is not Eve’s style. This shows that maybe Niko doesn’t know Eve as well as he thinks he does, and contrasts with the scene where Villanelle put out the belt for Eve to try with the blue dress - Villanelle knows Eve’s style better than Niko and she’s hardly met her. Villanelle and Eve’s connection is also shown as Eve says to Elena “you know when your outfit is missing something but you just don’t know what?”; Villanelle knows exactly what the outfit is missing and so not only does she know Eve better than Niko, but she knows Eve and what Eve herself wants better than Eve knows herself.

In Bill and Eve’s conversation with Jin, the Chinese attache, Bill say that kinks are “about someone else taking control”, which is most likely what Eve initially liked about Villanelle when she met her. Considering she was a stranger to Eve, Villanelle was so authoritative when telling Eve to “wear it down”, and Eve let Villanelle “take control” by doing as she said and leaving her hair down.

While Villanelle is listening in on Eve’s video chat with Niko, she rewinds the recording when Bill knocks on Eve’s hotel bedroom door and Niko asks if it’s Bill. Eve later tells Bill that she thinks Niko is jealous of him, and this is something that Villanelle also picked up on, evident from her rewinding the recording to listen to the exchange again. Villanelle takes a mental note of this because if Niko is Eve’s husband and even he is jealous of Bill, then Bill must be more important in Eve’s life. As a result of this, Bill has now also come in the way of Villanelle entering and having importance in Eve’s life. Bill’s interference by stopping Villanelle from following Eve onto the train at the U-Bahn, is also Villanelle’s solidification that he will continue to get in the way of her getting close to Eve and so she might as well just get rid of him now.

During Eve’s dinner with Jin, we also get a refreshing take on what is usually a pretty standard ‘someone needs information out of someone else’ scenario between a man and a woman. Often a scene like this would be entirely of each party just seducing the another throughout the whole thing; in order for one party to get the information out of the other, and for the other party to eventually be willing to give up the information. With Eve, however, she is completely no-nonsense with Jin, who is being rather heavy handed in his attempt to seduce her. Eve wears a nice dress, which was mainly just due to the fact that the place they were meeting was a nice restaurant, but she never returns Jin’s advances or uses her sexuality to get the information out of Jin. She stands her ground and is completely professional and clear from the moment she arrives, saying to him “listen, I’m going to be very upfront here... why did you want to see me, Jin? What do you know?”, continuing to add “I’m not here to entertain you. I’ve got a lot fo work to do”.

It is clear that Villanelle is playing a game with Bill when he’s perusing her after she leaves the U-Bahn. She is more than capable of shaking him off, but she purposefully walks out in the open and continuously checks behind her to make sure he’s still keeping up, so that she can make him think that he has the upper hand. The most clear moment that she does this is when she crosses in front of the tram. She quickly crosses in front of the tram to make Bill think that he’s going to lose her, but once the tram has passed we can see that Villanelle was stood still on the other side of the road waiting, and only begins to walk again once Bill is able to cross the road to catch up with her.

We can see the moment that Villanelle stops the cat and game with Bill when they’re in the club, Funklen, she stops and turns round to look at Bill deliberately, she smiles and then once again becomes focussed and makes a bee line towards him. It was also clear that Villanelle was playing the cat and mouse game earlier when she purposefully bumps into Bill, in the street outside the clothes shop, so that he could see her face.

You can read my previous Killing Eve posts here:-

The First Introduction to Villanelle

The First Introduction to Eve

S1, E1 - Nice Face

S1, E2 - I’ll Deal With Him Later

S1, E4 - Sorry Baby

S1, E5 - I Have a Thing about Bathrooms

S1, E6 - Take Me To The Hole!

S1, E7 - I Don’t Want to Be Free

S1, E8 - God, I’m Tired

S2, E1 - Do You Know How to Dispose of a Body?

S2, E2 - Nice and Neat

S2, E3 - The Hungry Caterpillar

S2, E4 - Desperate Times

S2, E5 - Smell Ya Later

S2, E6 - I Hope You Like Missionary!

S2, E7 - Wide Awake

S2, E8 - You’re Mine

S3, E1 - Slowly Slowly Catchy Monkey

S3, E2 - Management Sucks

S3, E3 - Meetings Have Biscuits

S3, E4 - Still Got It

S3, E5 - Are You From Pinner? [Part 1]

S3, E5 - Are You From Pinner? [Part 2]

S3, E6 - End of Game

S3, E7 - Beautiful Monster

S3, E8 - Are You Leading or Am I? [Part 1]

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[51kas81]

Cold Case S1.E7 A Time to Hate (2003)