#Return of the Gradient Map!

[marzipaint]

:)

[bioluminesced]

happy frodo friday heres a redraw of that sick ass mtg card art for him

[sillyangstyimp]

RAHHH RED POKESPE MY BELOVEDDD

I'm so normal about him

[littlehatmouse]

everyone look at my vampire boyfriend

[sn0wbat]

norse children.

[taiigaatea]

i bought a csp license. go my edluca art (does this count as an edgarvember post too.... its my challenge my rules whatever)

i love this song. So much. i wish i liked it back when ricky montgomery did his concert s that i couldve enjoyed it more in the moment BUT i have a video of it on my phoen AND my 3ds so whos really losing. ignore how fucked edgars head is i was too focused on the ref and not how an actual head would look. also the clothes i got really bored after doing the skin/hair

this one isntthe best out of other edgarvembers i think BUT. the rest are on my ipad/post it notes and you'd have to pay me $25 million to go get them right now ANYWAYS. i miss my wife............. shes out at war (visiting family a state away) so all i can do is project onto the Freaks.

oh my god i think my teachers are actually plotting my demise ESPECIALLY ENGLISH. my english teacher is evil. and my anatomy teacher promised a heart dissection a month ago and we STILL havent gotten anywhere near close to actually doing it my body Yearns and Pines for hands on learning. fucking whatever the cat dissection is next unit

[dragmetohades]

I have so many Procreate WIPs but this one is FINALLY DONE. I discovered gradient maps and I wanted to play with them ❤️

I knew I would return to Seb at some point 😂

[melanodis]

My daughter, if you can hear me. I knew you would return as well. It's in your nature to protect the innocent.

non gradient mapped for accurate color picking

[ranticore]

well i'm having fun with gradients

i made this greyscale reference kobold so i could mess around with different skin colours. oh god i love charts so much i love making charts. none of this is useful i just love a reference image

kobolds live exclusively in caves and come in two biotypes, a 'warm' type and a 'cold' type. these are always mutually exclusive; you won't find mixed groups. this is because cold types (which also have full hair coats; the above are all warm types) start to appear in a population when the cave they live in has no heat source/dragon. the cold type population is essentially a resting stage & all female, living harsh lives with low production until a dragon returns to the cave. then, the cold type will give rise to a warm population which is mixed sex and highly productive & energetic. so a population of only a few dozen cold types will experience a significant baby boom and rapid population expansion in the months immediately following the settling of a new dragon into their cave.

the warm types (pictured) still venture outside the radius of warm atmosphere generated by the dragon and they have only rudimentary material technology (highly dependent on the other cave fauna & exploitable resources), so warmth is retained not by heavy clothing but by selectively altering blood flow & tissue composition in areas of the body likely to lose a lot of warmth such as the hands/feet/tail/etc, making these areas almost ectothermic and capable of retaining normal cell function in hypothermic conditions. this habit also has the side effect of altering the pigment in the skin, so that a kobold's skin colour is a heat map of its own body. the colours themselves are hereditary and eclectic. most would-be predators in the cave are blind anyway so blending in isn't a top priority. the dominant colours will fluctuate naturally depending on external conditions and are in an ever-shifting state. a dead kobold turns a solid cold phase colour (the end right on the gradient).

when the dragon leaves/dies/etc, the warm population dies with it, replaced again by cold types whose entire body surface would just be solid coloured cold phase. thus cultural canon among most colonies is that men are temporary blips in the general timeline of a colony, as few caves are large enough to contain a fully grown dragon, and therefore a young dragon that settles will usually outgrow it and leave. caves large enough for mature dragons often support very advanced warm type colonies which have been developing for decades if not longer.

[gxthicupid]

Hi^^

I’m hoping this is the right way to request smth^^But can I request a nezha x younger sibling hc’s? (Platonic ofc^^)

୨⎯ ɴᴇᴢʜᴀ x !ʏᴏᴜɴɢᴇʀ ꜱɪʙɪʟɪɴɢ! ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ [ᴘʟᴀᴛᴏɴɪᴄ ʜᴇᴀᴅᴄᴀɴᴏɴꜱ]

ᴄᴏɴᴛᴇxᴛ: ᴡʜᴀᴛ ɪꜰ ᴛʜᴇ ᴛʜɪʀᴅ ʟᴏᴛᴜꜱ ᴘʀɪɴᴄᴇ ʜᴀᴅ ᴀ ʏᴏᴜɴɢᴇʀ ꜱɪʙʟɪɴɢ?

ᴀᴜᴛʜᴏʀ'ꜱ ɴᴏᴛᴇ: ɪ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ʜᴏᴡ ᴛᴏ ᴡʀɪᴛᴇ ʜᴇᴀᴅᴄᴀɴᴏɴꜱ ʙᴜᴛ ɪ ʜᴏᴘᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴇɴᴊᴏʏ <3

➨ Just like any other day, the golden hue of the temple, keeping the Map of the Samadhi Fire away from the wrong hands, reflected onto the sky and created a vibrant gradient resembling the vivacity of the sun. The sight of streams filled with crystal clear waters and delicately decorated with bright pink lilies sitting upon round, floating leaves.

➨ Within the corridors of the temple, through the flaming etchings onto golden architecture and marble walls, Nezha guarded patiently for the slightest unusual activity. The soft breeze from outside sounded so loud against his ears that he listened carefully to any eerie movements that echoed in the temple.

➨ A quick swift of wind was felt on his skin; Nezha drew his spear in a flash and pointed inches away from your face, better known as the younger sibling of the Third Lotus Prince. Nezha sighed in relief before placing his weapon down and out of his sibling’s face.

➨ “Y/N. . .Please don’t startle me like that. What if I have seriously injured you.” His body loosens from tension before staring back at you with sincere eyes. His face may not show it, but he feared what would have happened if he proceeded. You only gave your older brother a sly smirk in response.

➨ “I was only testing your reflexes. Nothing else.” Out of the pair, you were the more free-spirited and lenient compared to your older brother, which created an interesting dynamic between the two of you.

➨ Again, Nezha remained stoic during his patrol, and you stood beside him without saying a word. Nezha looked at you and decided to speak. “Aren’t you meant to be guarding the entrance? What if someone gets in and tries to infiltrate the temple?” Nezha reminded his younger sibling about their duties while speaking gently yet solemnly.

➨ You wiped off your smirk and replaced it with a faint frown. “I understand Nezha. It’s just that I don’t want these duties to take away time from you and me being together, alright?” Ever since the Samadhi Fire has been contained within the rings and located far away, you and Nezha have spent little to no time together outside your workspace.

➨ Nezha paused for a minute and thought about what you said. He could understand that sombre look on your face. Then, his hand began to lean over and rested on their shoulder before giving you an optimistic look. “Listen. After completing our duties today, I promise we will go someplace. Somewhere peaceful and relaxing.” After hearing those words, you couldn’t help but hug your big brother and hold onto him tightly.

➨ Caught off guard, Nezha was surprised by your reaction over a small promise but slowly gave in and hugged you back while cracking a small smile. As your happiness was his happiness, and he will do anything to be the best brother you’ll ever have. Once the both of you let go and returned to your stance, you smiled and spoke again.

➨ “What do you want to do when we’re finished? Check out the mortals down on Earth or get a bit mischievous~” You then gave Nezha a smug look that reminded him of a certain simian. Nezha groaned the minute he saw your face and looked away briefly.

➨ “Y/N, please stop smiling like that. You remind me of Sun Wukong.” Your older brother said before looking back at you and your usual smile. “I know. That’s why I use it so often.” In a teasing tone, you made the smug face again, leaving Nezha to look away again.

➨ “I know, and I hate it.” He spoke through clenched teeth, holding in annoyance, and you chuckled in amusement. Despite his younger sibling's immature behavior, he couldn’t help but adore and cherish you more than anything. 

[mythaura-blog]

Development Update - September 2024

Hello folks! Miyazaki checking in with our development updates for the month of September. Between getting our newest art team member onboarded, cooking up some really exciting Fall Quarter concept art, a new color, and a new Mutation, it's been a really creative month for us.

Koa and Sark are hard at work on the back end, creating the systems that power the game. We've got functioning inventories, and Koa was able to have a Beast successfully use a healing potion in the Wild Area! I'm making headway on our intro quest, working in tandem with the art team to create assets to bring our very first area to life.

All in all: some solid progress this month!

Also, for Tumblr users: the August update didn't get posted here (I apologize!), but you can read it here.

Inventory System

This month, we focused on refining Mythaura’s inventory system, with special attention on making starting items function as expected. One of the most exciting additions is the Satchel feature. The satchel begins with 18 slots and can be expanded using non-premium currency, allowing for plenty of space to bring essentials on your adventures.

When preparing to explore, only provisions can be transferred from your stash to the satchel, but along the way, you’ll be able to pick up and store all types of loot. Additionally, the first row of your satchel is now displayed as a hotbar while exploring, enabling quick use of items like the Godspeed Potion, which boosts your movement speed, or a Torch to light your way in the dark.

However, be cautious—if you’re defeated while exploring, you’ll drop your satchel, leaving your items behind. You’ll need to return to the floor you were defeated on to recover it. If you’re defeated again before retrieving your original satchel, those items will be lost for good.

Fall Quarter (2024) Concepts

It’s the first day of Fall Quarter 2024, which means we’ve got new Quarterly Rewards for Sponsors to vote on on our Ko-fi page!

Which concepts would you like to see made into official site items? Sponsors of Bronze level or higher have a vote in deciding. Please check out the Companion post and the Glamour post on Ko-fi to cast your vote for the winning concepts!

Votes must be posted by October 27, 2024 at 11:59pm PST in order to be considered.

All Summer 2024 Rewards are now listed in our Ko-fi Shop for individual purchase for all Sponsor levels at $5 USD flat rate per unit. As a reminder, please remember that no more than 3 units of any given item can be purchased. If you purchase more than 3 units of any given item, your entire purchase will be refunded and you will need to place your order again, this time with no more than 3 units of any given item.

Summer 2024 Glamour: Corona Dragon

Summer 2024 Companion: Venomous Stalker

Summer 2024 Solid Gold Glamour: Solid Gold Griffin (Young)

Custom Color Contest Winner

In another round of incredible color concepts pitched to our team, we came away with an exciting new color, courtesy of user Noxith: Canyon!

Their reference images were canyons with a beautiful gradient of reds and oranges, along with other geographical features of the American Southwest, such as mesas.

Canyon adds a wonderful richness to the Mythauran color wheel. We encourage you to share your Canyon creations made in the Beast Creator with us!

New Mutation: Celestial

Astrology plays no small part in Mythauran culture, so perhaps it's not such a surprise that the genes of some Beasts born in Mythaura are mutated to show a map of brightly glowing constellations around their bodies.

As a reminder, Mutations are not Specials that can be applied via item. Instead, a Beast can rarely be born with a Mutation or they can rarely be obtained via a late-game boss encounter.

Mythauran Astrology: October

The month of October is referred to as Greenbright's Close, representing the official beginning of autumn and the winding down of greenery as foliage turns gold and red. This month is also associated with the constellation of the Physician and the malachite stone.

Mythaura v0.32

Dependency upgrades were made to improve stability.

Implemented new inventory services

Created satchels and added services to manage dropping and retrieving them.

Added energy and position tracking to wild area sessions.

Implemented filtering and context actions for inventories.

Starting items were created for each class and are automatically delivered to the satchel at game start.

Added battle item structure and functionality.

Added the ability to use an item from your satchel in battle.

Added functionality for health & energy-related items.

Added functionality for revival items.

A Hotbar with adjustable keybindings has been added to the UI when exploring.

A semi-final version of each skill tree was fully populated and began implementing said skills.

Thank You!

Thanks for sticking through to the end of the post, we always look forward to sharing our month's work with all of you--thank you for taking the time to read. We'll see you around the Discord.

We are also keeping all those impacted by Hurricane Helene in our thoughts. We hope you and your loved ones are all safe.

[marzipaint]

something something companions in life and death

[transfloridaresources]

[Photo ID: Rainbow gradient background image of bowls of fruit and vegetables. Two color photos are on top of this image. One shows a table full of food on a sidewalk at night. Some people are visible standing nearby. The other shows the ground next to the table full of bottled water, pizza boxes, and sandwiches in a bag. Text around reads 'St. Pete Food Not Bombs. January 03, 2024' and 'transfloridaresources.' /End ID]

We're revving up for an election year so prepare for a lot of political theatre that is going to be aimed specifically at trans people. A tangible way that you can combat the feelings of grief and despair is to look to your community and see where you can help. I would actually especially advise that you seek to go outside the LGBT realm and (respectfully) involve yourself with other groups, hear about other struggles. Trans people are not the first group to be targeted by society/legislature & many trans people have identities that intersect from other oppressed groups. The more you learn outside of your personal struggle, the stronger you become, the better ally you can be to others as well. Of course, across the state of Florida, the spaces you have access to will differ. That's part of why these accounts also exist, to boost individuals and causes online that you can give to if you truly can't access anything in person (I will have some posts coming up in a moment for that too, actually!). However, there is usually something somewhere. Look to your libraries, community centers, there's so many places. I recommend seeking out a Food Not Bombs location, if you need a place to start. These photos are from the St. Pete branch & if you're local to that you can find more info at @stpetefnb & come out too! Otherwise, take a look at the map at http://foodnotbombs.net/info/locations/ and reach out to see what's active. I promise you, the kindness you can provide to unhoused people does not go unnoticed & you will meet some great folks as well. Look into the history of any of the community leaders we look up to and you will see them doing work like this. Community must be nurtured, people need to be fed and cared for, in order for us to make progress otherwise. Don't let your personal grief stand in the way of achieving connection with a neighbor. Do not isolate. We all are more understanding and loving than we are made to believe we are, because paranoia and isolation breeds the best followers. Don't listen to any of that. Go out and spread love and get love in return.

[that-ari-blogger]

Ascension (Whatever It Takes)

Let’s talk about active and reactive characters, and what that tells us about a given story.

Whatever It Takes sets up Vaggie and Carmilla as… foils? Parallels? Opposites? The series is open ended in this field, it gives us archetypes, and invites us to draw our own conclusions.

As such, these two are protectors, but the way they go about it is both similar and wildly different. It’s complicated.

Let me explain.

SPOILERS AHEAD (Hazbin Hotel, Castaway)

The difference between an active and a reactive character is in the name. An active character takes actions and pushes the plot forward to further their own goals, while a reactive character responds to others and acts in accordance with that.

For example, Zestial is a fundamentally reactive character. He responds to the floor shifting underneath him in the previous song with damage control.

He watched the person who is ostensibly closest to him get undermined, so he tries to pick her up. In that way, he’s a pretty decent friend. He offers aid when she’s feeling low, and whatever he gets out of it, the man’s primary goal here is to help.

“What weighs on your soul, old friend? I explore you to share the load.”

At this point, I feel the need to explain my bias towards this character. Zestial is one of my favourite individuals presented in Hazbin Hotel, and it’s not because he’s benevolent, or powerful, or composed. It’s not because of his design, or his writing. It’s because I am weak, and his voice is smoother than the ocean at night. I don’t have to explain myself further.

Zestial is also reacting to the power dynamic being presented by the Vees. They didn’t do any damage, but Velvette felt comfortable making threats, and was utterly unintimidated by Carmilla, so Zestial feels like he needs to start moving his pieces to counteract that.

“If it was thou who slew the angel, why not let your fear be known?”

Essentially, Zestial needs to get himself and his friend back on top, and back to being untouchable. He wants to go back to not having to act at all.

But a side note here, notice how the rhyming scheme in this section is slanted, that’s because rhyming wasn’t always a thing in English poetry. It was ported over from other languages as previous poetry conventions were focused on the musicality and other elements of the words.

It doesn’t map out exactly, rhyming grew to popularity during the medieval times, and judging by Zestial’s dialect, that’s where I’d put him historically. But it does convey a sense of age to his words that adds gravitas to what he is saying.

When Carmilla starts singing, the music itself backs off to a quet guitar. She’s being vulnerable, rather than all powerful, and that contrasts with Zestial to exacerbate their differences. Zestial’s oomph makes Carmilla seem smaller, and Carmilla’s pensiveness amplifies Zestial in return.

As an example of an active character, Charlie and Velvette are fundamentally active characters whose actions make up the majority of the plot. Charlie pursues her dream, makes bargains, offers forgiveness, and Velvette… well she has one song, but Carmilla and Zestial’s actions are in direct response to that song’s ambition.

However, here’s the kicker. In my opinion, there is no such thing as active and passive characters. It’s a gradient.

The classification exists for a reason, it helps audiences understand, but in practice, nobody exists only on one side of the equation. Being reactive is a biproduct of existing in relation to other stuff. Chuck Noland, from Castaway, despite being the only character on screen for most of the movie, reacts to his environment and to his situation like a human being. Even if a character chooses to ignore their surroundings, that’s still a reaction to something. The decision to do nothing is still a decision

On the other end of the spectrum, all characters are active, because otherwise they aren’t characters. Being active is simply the practice of doing things. In the first Ranger’s Apprentice book, Baron Arald and Sir Rodney are generally pretty reactive characters, but their choice to challenge the Kalkara is an active decision.

In that sense, Zestial is a character who leans towards reactivity, but is still motivated to take action when threatened.

For the sake of visualisation. I have a graph.

We can start by putting Zestial and Charlie on opposite ends and filling in from there. I would say Husk is pretty reactive as a character, usually acting in response to Angel or Alastor, while Velvette is active in terms of antagonism, but she reacts to the death of the angel. Vox responds to Alastor by taking action, Adam responds to the death of the angel with violence, etc. Eventually, our graph looks a bit like this:

Now, you may notice that there is a gap in the middle. Despite all appearances, I am analysing Whatever it Takes, so guess which two characters go there.

This was actually a pretty difficult choice, and it comes down to my grievances with this episode, and my critique of the show as a whole.

I laid this out in more detail in the previous post but suffice to say that Hazbin Hotel is too short, and that hinders episode three because the series doesn’t have enough time to capitalize on anything that is set up here.

Carmilla suffers enormously because of this, because the dynamic with Vaggie doesn’t go anywhere (other than Out For Love, but we will get there when we get there), and she doesn’t have much screen time beyond this, so we don’t really know where she sits on the scale.

The song that I have been dancing around sets up a place in the centre of the graph and makes them parallels because they fit in the same slot here, but then Carmilla isn’t in the rest of the series much, so she ends up falling further towards the reactive end of the scale.

The reactiveness itself isn't what I have an issue with, its the inconsistency.

Once again, I blame this on management not understanding their own product, but it’s important to understand how that has affected the end result.

So, the key metaphor established in this song is that of the keeper and armour. The protector and the guardian, and that is what sets up their place on the scale.

Armour isn’t a character, and even in terms of what it does, it’s not a particularly proactive item. You can’t hit someone with a helmet unless you really want to, and even then, it's going to be less effective than most of your other options. But what armour does do, is get in the way.

Armour interposes itself between you and danger, sacrificing its own wellbeing for yours. It’s a guardian, a protector.

Vaggie is positioning herself as a someone who will do whatever it takes to save those she cares about. She is the knight who will stand in the darkness and ward it off to protect the light. She is not a disgrace. She is vengeance. She is the night. She is... Batman!

I’m humanising an inanimate object here, because Vaggie is doing the complete opposite. For Vaggie, love is putting her partner above herself, to the point of self-sacrifice. It means that she is willing to let go of her will to live to get in the way of any danger coming towards Charlie. She is dehumanising herself and saying that her desires are forfeit for Charlie’s dream.

“I’ll be your armour, Do whatever it takes, I’ll make the mistakes I’ll spend my life being your partner”.

Now, Charlie has done absolutely nothing to persuade Vaggie of this. She has been supportive, if a little headstrong. Vaggie has reacted to Charlie putting herself in danger and decided that was how she was needed.

There is one scene that I’ve seen pointed to as Charlie re-enforcing Vaggie’s attempt at self-sacrifice, that being the training scene. But that’s just asking for help, that’s not manipulation, that’s shared responsibilities on a task. That’s teamwork.

Yes, Charlie is oblivious to this side of Vaggie’s motivation, but that’s because Vaggie hasn’t told her about it. Vaggie vents on an abandoned boat, alone, singing to herself. Charlie doesn't know that because Vaggie is convinced that if she is vulnerable, she won't be useful.

So, if it isn’t Charlie who told Vaggie that her individuality is worth sacrificing, I wonder who did. Maybe a military leader of some kind who values subservience above all else. Maybe someone who surrounds themselves with masks so that they don’t have to realise that people are individuals. I wonder who that points to.

Carmilla, meanwhile, positions herself as a keeper of secrets, a profession and a type of action she can take. She sets herself up as responding to news and stamping it out, taking action to hide things.

“I always thought that I would keep blood off my face, But when that thing attacked, I had to act To cross that line and keep them safe.”

I want to restate that Carmilla is a hypocrite. She makes weapons and is convinced that her wealth will protect her from the consequences. Or rather, she was a hypocrite.

It took an angel rocking up out of the blue and nearly killing one of Carmilla’s children to jumpstart her character development. Just like Zestial, she was bulletproof, except that she had people she cared about.

The angel made Carmilla think. Her wealth didn’t protect her, the weapons did nothing to stop the assailant, and the violent response to a violent problem only brought about more issues. There might be a war on the horizon within hell, and both sides will have weaponry given to them by Carmilla. If the war starts, both she and her daughter will be killed, and it doesn't matter which side by, they will die at the hands of weapons she made.

As a response, Carmilla takes action, trying to recover her safety by keeping the secret of her vulnerability. She’s still not a good character, but she’s had her security compromised, and that’s a start.

Which brings me to the parallel between Carmilla and Vaggie, and I think that it is limited, but important to note. Both are protector characters; both respond to danger and take action. But that serves to show their differences even more. Vaggie is self-sacrificial and openly vulnerable so that her ward doesn’t have to be, and Carmilla is closed off and defensive all the time.

This is reflected in their music. One of my favourite parts of Hazbin Hotel is the fact that whenever they sing duets or even chorus pieces, its never everyone singing the same set of notes in their own register. In this case Vaggie’s music is more floaty, and according to Musescore, in a different key to Carmilla, who is dynamic, but grounded.

Zestial's design strength comes back here. He has too many eyes and a mouth that's a weird shape. What expression is this? What emotion? Is he confused? Disappointed? What's going on? Having a manipulator character have a mask is good, but making their entire face an unreadable blank slate is even better.

But the difference is also conveyed by their actions. Carmilla is static while she explains herself to Zestial. She is focused on the people she is protecting and the person whom asking for help from.

Vaggie’s section doesn’t really show Charlie at all, except through the geography. Vaggie is constantly climbing when she sings, constantly rising, as if her love lifts her and brings her up from rock bottom. Even though she’s not dancing, the choreography is telling a story.

When the camera shows her face, she is always looking upwards. Charlie has given her hope.

Final Thoughts

Episode three’s problems aren’t its own fault. The episode is setting up elements that never arrived, and that causes it to feel bloated.

I actually like this song, although for a while I couldn’t articulate why. I like to listen to it, but as far as analysis went, I was at a loss. This post has taken me the longest that any has in a while. But I ended up with something, so I’m happy.

But, from the series’ weakest episode, to its strongest. Next week we start episode four, talking about Poison, and… oh boy that one’s going to be a lot.

Previous - Next

[misscammiedawn]

I want to talk a little about "disappearing" or 'dormancy' within the contex and vernacular of plurality. But this one is more of a little personal ramble and less educational essay so I'm doing it under a readmore.

After 9 days of absence where our system were desperately trying to get me back, I found myself in the middle of a Lush reacting to the scent of a lavender bath bomb. There was no gradient. No sense at all for it. No gradual return. The scent hits, I respond as if I had been there the whole time.

Disoriented but not impacted or missing any beats. The headache was kind enough to wait until we reached the safety of the car. I was back. As if I were never gone to begin with.

Describing these events has always been hard. It has certainly raised denial in our condition. We believe firmly that none of us experience 'lost time' or amnesia between parts. Recently it has been a hard time learning "you don't know what you don't know."

When one of us is missing it is fairly obvious and apparent. We no longer 'feel' them. The little spark and emotional resonance and all that is attached to it. Regardless of who is fronting that spark carries with it an essence that is part of who we are as a person. When it is me who is gone it is like our passion in hypnosis is gone, we lack the social flare, the theatrical spirit, the confidence. When it is Cammie gone we feel emotionally wounded, like we are merely emulating human behavior. With Camden gone it is like our discipline and impulse control are crippled.

I subscribe to the notion that we are all aspects of a single person and aspects are always there, even if they are not the leading force for one of our presentations. It's why denial is so rampant with us.

When we interact with aspects of life that would attract the attention of a part, there is an emotional reaction. Since we began communication work the "IM Windows" have been less impulse and more intention.

When a part is not there the lack of that feels oppressive. Like something that should be there but simply is not. We felt it before Discovery too, often. We just didn't have the context for it. Back then it was this overall sensation of feeling like we were "playing a character" and that there were times when the actions came natural to us and times when we had to perform the act of "me" rote and it was stiff and awkward.

Perhaps I should provide some context...

We have been having a rough time in trauma therapy recently. We are about 4 months into the Processing phase of our adapted multi-phase trauma recovery program. Safety, stabilization and processing are our phases, though discovery/mapping was its own thing.

Our therapist wishes for us to build a narrative of our life and identify the parts that were present during the traumatic moments. Childhood was mostly a blur but we identified some pivotal moments with Cammie and Craig and even worked out that Craig himself is a construct designed to prevent our father from seeing signs of our mother who he hated within us. We essentially invented a "with mum" and a "with dad" persona before we understood what such things were.

Good progress.

However childhood is still a vague blur and we rushed through it and are now into young adulthood.

When we were 16 in the span of 3-6 months we went through a lot. More than I feel safe sharing. But we ended up homeless and had to start working, broke all contact with our biological mother (did not speak to her for 7 years) and our father was involuntarily made an inpatient at a mental care facility for a second time.

We've been stalled on discussing this segment of our life for a month and Camden and Wynn, the parts that associate in with the memories, are exhausted. Cammie showed up to therapy in their stead and when prompted to speak to why those two weren't showing up she *went looking* and... we had an extreme reaction. Horribly extreme. The "my throat is closing, I can't breathe, my chest is caving in and I'm going to pass out" kind.

Poor sweetling...

Since then we have been horribly destabilized. I am still piecing things together because it's been a mess in here. Camden was gone for a few days, Craig a few days more. Wynn was present at first but has held back since the others came back. I did not. It was simply an absence where the Flirty Fae was involved.

I am reliably informed that there were attempts to get me back. From intentionally breathing in lavender scents to imagining notes being slipped under my door in our conference space to reading Marvel comics and taunting my proclivity for anime.

But there was nothing.

Meanwhile obvious memory issues were happening. Even in spite of feeling like there was not. That truly is a remarkable thing.

When someone "can't remember" it is a spectrum. There are times where this is the standard amnesia as depicted in fiction where a concept is inaccessible. You simply do not have access to it whatsoever. This can take the shape of denial in which you refuse to accept the missing information exists at all or confusion in acknowledging the feeling of your recollection does not match the evidence of it.

It can be as simple as *not thinking* about something. We are deeply involved in hypnosis as a kink and amnesia play runs on this principal. Learning how to put a thought or memory "on the shelf" and to trust yourself to just break the association and walk away from the thought.

Incidentally those with CPTSD have more flexible brains and experience spontaneous amnesia more often than neurotypical folx.

Apparently I need to do a full write-up on amnesia in both trauma and play.

In this current sense it is somewhere in the middle. It's not that we're trying to retrieve the memory and unable and it's not like we're explicitly not thinking about it. It's just the idea of "last Thursday" is just absent. Like I am moving with blinkers on. Typically there's an awareness of space that is mildly 4-dimensional. As I work on a project on Thursday I am aware of the reports I performed on Monday and how the flags from Monday relate to what we're doing on Thursday.

In this scenario we merely skip that step. It doesn't even prop up for us. We just do not even realize it's something we should be checking for. That is what I mean about blinkers.

Slowly but surely things seep back in. "I'm looking forward to the next issue of Hulk" becomes "We read it last week and it wasn't that good." and that is pretty much what the DSM-5 refers to as "normal forgetfulness". But the spectrum between "normal" and "abnormal" is a matter of perspective and context.

In this context not having any firm awareness of the past week and needing things to be fed in slowly is just odd.

So... how do I experience an absence?

With our panic attack in session, Cammie came back 5 hours later still in panic. It's not a confusing jump from "we're talking to our therapist" to "we're talking to our girlfriend????" and more "the wave of emotion that was being repressed has returned and we're back in the panic attack hangover phase"

If that makes sense? There's no jump. It's just a continuation.

With the 9 day gap it's kind of the same. I actually do not remember when I last fronted. I do not remember being missing. It feels like I was here the entire time and nothing weird happened. Evidence to the absence is... it doesn't feel right, even if I know it is.

It certainly explains the invisible nature of the condition. Even after Discovery and enough therapy that we have clear internal communication we still are inclined to pave over any blips. Act like everything is normal, always.

And now all is just as it was, as if nothing happened.

We're back to Stabilization work in therapy. It shall take a while to get back to processing. I do not know what lessons are to be learned from this experience but there is a lot of data points.

All these years and we're still learning how to navigate this annoying brain of ours.

[positively-knotted]

Dissertationposting 6: μ-bubbles

This will seem like a bit of a tangent, but bear with me. We're gonna do some set up for a new construction. First, another reminder about curvature. You may have met mean curvature, usually called H. Gaussian curvature is the product of the "principal curvatures", so for example zero curvature in any direction gives a zero total, while H is their sum. All minimal surfaces have H=0 - they're balanced between positively and negatively curved directions, so are saddle/pringle shaped.

If we want to generalise from stable minimal hypersurfaces, which minimise area with H=0, we'll want a different functional to minimise, with some choice of function h such that H=h. We do this as follows (picture for guidance):

(M, g) is a n-dimensional Riemannian band if ∂M is compact, and is partitioned into two non-empty collections ∂M+ and ∂M-.

h: M -> R is a band map if h(x) → ±∞ as x -> ∂M±, and is bounded away from ∂M. You should view h as a height function on M, placing ∂M- at the bottom and ∂M+ at the top.

Let u > 0 be a bounded function on M (we will almost always want u=1), ω an n-dimensional submanifold of M with compact boundary such that ∂M+ ⊆ ω and ω is disjoint from some neighbourhood of ∂M-. Define, for n-dimensional submanifolds Ω, (χ_A is the indicator function of A ⊆ M) [1]

A µ-bubble for u, h and ω is a choice of Ω that minimises A.

The boundary ∂Ω of a µ-bubble is then attempting to separate the “high-up” region of M (the interior of Ω) from the “low-down” region, while also minimising area. Compare this to a sheet of rubber separating two fluids of varying local pressure h - the sheet stretches to increase the volume occupied by the high-pressure fluid, while its internal tension keeps it from stretching too much.

You should think of ω as having h ≫ 0, where it offsets the large decrease in A that comes from Ω containing a neighbourhood of ∂M+.

Finally, the function u can be thought of in two ways. The first relates to the prescribed mean curvature problem that µ-bubbles attempt to solve. We'll see that that ∂Ω has mean curvature H = h + correction term. From this perspective, u controls this correction term, and setting u = 1 yields H = h exactly. This is perhaps analogous to the rubber sheet having uniform internal tension. The other viewpoint sees u as a geometric trick to suppress an S¹-factor in a “warped” Riemannian band, which we'll do at the end. Note that setting u=1 also reduced the first integral in A to just Area(∂Ω), which is what we had for hypersurfaces too! h=0 returns exactly what we had before.

Thankfully, a µ-bubble exists for any choice of h,u,ω, so long as n ≤ 7 again. [2] What we really need is an analogous result to Lemma 1, and we get one! The proof is similar too, but just more effort.

Lemma 7.

Let Ω be a µ-bubble for u = 1, h, ω, and let Σ be any component of ∂Ω not in ∂M+. Then H = h on Σ, and for any function f,

Ok so this is kinda ugly, but it is very similar! To get a stable minimal hypersurface, we set h=0, and then we recover a version of Lemma 1 with |\II\|^2 ≥ 0. And actually, so long as we can control the gradient of h, this really isn't that bad.

I have faith that we'll be able to use this!

Technically we need the symmetric difference Ω∆ω to be compactly contained in int(M) as well for the integral to be defined, but that never matters.

[2] The full proof would use a lot of geometric measure theory, the outline is ok. Again, too much notation, have a screenshot. Is anyone actually reading these??