#Really speaks to me in my own experiences of being abused by people who hold so much affection for you and you wish you could love

[grenade-maid]

Yuko Kurose (left) though, despite everything, maybe #1 problematic would

Like me too Ms Shiba

[dimplyowl]

😩 one of the main things I see about Izzy and why he’s an innocent little lamb who has done nothing wrong is that he’s got a lot of internalized homophobia going on, as well as issues with toxic masculinity. And yeah, OFMD is all about taking those toxic societal expectations and telling them to shove themselves up their asses. And I think having a character who has those internalized feelings and who holds onto them until being proven that they’re wrong is an interesting character arc. Growth is a great thing! We love to see it!

The problem comes when people use those characteristics as excuses for any of izzys bad behaviors, as if they give him a free pass to do whatever he wants to do. But that’s not how these things work. The problem I have with Izzy’s character arc in s2 is that he doesn’t do anything to make reparations until his deathbed apology to Ed. He just kind of…continues to be there, ignoring Ed, letting the crew extend kindness to him and still not really engaging until Calypso’s Birthday.

You know who has done some really shitty things and does actually work toward making reparations? Ed. And that’s another thing I see a lot of Izzy fans say: that gb people give Ed a free pass for everything he did because of his childhood and his trauma and his self hatred and broken heart. But babes, when we talk about these issues, you’re misunderstanding why we’re talking about them. I obviously can’t speak for all Ed fans, but the majority of us aren’t listing these issues as excuses, we’re naming them as reasons for his behavior. So we can understand why he feels the way he feels and did the things he did.

I am fully aware that he did some really shitty things to people who care about him and who he cares about. I acknowledge that. I also know why he did them. And knowing why doesn’t make it okay. It helps me understand him more, and to know that he wasn’t doing them because he enjoyed them and, most importantly, that they’re things he regrets doing. That’s obvious throughout the entirety of eps4-6, in his hesitance to return to the ship, in agreeing to wear a burlap sack and allowing Lucius to push him over the ship, in taking time to actually listen to fang about his own experiences during the kraken era. It’s part of the entire reason they have a party, it’s part of turning poison into positivity. Ed doesn’t have great apology skills. His “apology” speech was definitely lacking as far as our modern standards are concerned. That’s fine. Those aren’t natural skills to have, they’re learned, and he never really had the opportunity to learn them. But you can see that he wants to, and he’s trying and he’s learning, and that’s the most important thing.

Izzy doesn’t do that shit. In season 1 he uses his position of power to bully the crew, to go against Ed’s orders (his captains orders; that’s essentially mutiny right there); he loses and turns his captain and a ship full of queer and poc to the cops; he then becomes captain and it takes less than a day for the crew to mutiny on him because he’s a fucking asshole and no one wants to work for him; and to top it all off, he tells his boss—his friend, supposedly, his depressed and already established to be suicidal friend—that he would be better off dead than be like he is.

Where are his attempts at reparation? Where does he turn around and say “yeah calling the cops on you was fucking horrible and I shouldn’t have done it” or “I shouldn’t have said those things when you were already struggling” or “I’m sorry for taking advantage of my power and using it to bully and abuse my employees and another captain’s crew.”? He doesn’t do any of that. He doesn’t even try.

Internalized homophobia doesn’t make intimidating your gay subordinate or calling your friend a “namby pamby in a silk dressing gown” okay. Toxic masculinity doesn’t make repeatedly insulting someone for having traditionally feminine traits and interests okay. Doing those kinds of things can never be okay. But recognizing these as faults and actively working to improve yourself and grow and apologize to the people you’ve hurt and try to make things better does make it more likely for the people who care about you to forgive you.

[rallamajoop]

On Mia Winters, misogyny, and abuse

As should be pretty obvious by now, I love Mia Winters. I honestly think she’s one of the most compelling characters in this whole damn franchise.

But let me make clear: you don’t have to love her. Mia’s canonically done a lot of shady shit in her time, and her relationship with Ethan has real problems. There are perfectly viable interpretations where the only thing really holding it together is his own denial. Only I never seem to get to read any of those takes, because the most common characterisations Mia gets in fic are an irredeemable monster, or a cardboard cutout who exists only to be written out as quickly as possible. And to write Mia out to that degree doesn’t just do her character a disservice, it does Ethan a disservice, and a big one.

The amount of Mia-bashing I see out there in this fandom turns my stomach. It’s not just the slash fans who’d rather ship Ethan with another dude. I have seen Mia loudly bashed in tags on het or gen fic in which she does not even appear. I have seen male fans reviewing these games on youtube who treat her the exact same way. But it’s never more frustrating than when that hate comes from the same fans who’ll turn around and talk about characters like Chris or even Lady Dimitrescu (she who canonically abuses her and murders her servants, and, y’know, eats people without a shred of remorse) like they’re perfectly forgivable and have done no real wrong. And don’t get me wrong: I love Lady D, but I love her because she’s magnificently evil. Mia? Mia’s a whole lot more complicated.

But to really explain why this hate makes me so uncomfortable, I’m going to have to start with the start of Resident Evil 7, and Mia’s very first scenes in this whole franchise.

Let me quickly summarise the opening of that game. A man whose wife disappeared without explanation suddenly gets a message about her whereabouts. He travels to an isolated location, breaks in, and finds her. She denies ever sending him that message, and seems incredibly distressed that he’s there at all. They fight. It ends with him sinking an axe into her neck and shooting her several times with a handgun. But see, he didn’t do anything wrong! It was all self-defence! She started it! She was acting crazy!

If you didn’t spot it, the whole opening of RE7 reads uncomfortably like a story about a woman escaping an abusive relationship, then being tracked down and murdered by her ex.

Obviously, I am not here to tell you Ethan’s abusive. He’s not, we’ve got no reason to imagine he is. He was legitimately acting in self-defence.

But the fact the first thing Ethan has to do in this game is find the balls to kill his own wife ‒ that a whole new era of Resi games has opened with a sequence so easily read as a sympathetic justification for how a man might perfectly innocently track down his missing spouse and "have" to kill her – that made those opening minutes into by far the most uncomfortable part of this whole franchise for me. Shit like this really happens. I mean it, I will track down the fucking statistics on women who are murdered after trying to leave an abusive partner if I have to.

What happens to ‘Mia’ in the opening to RE8 isn’t much better: it's as textbook a fridging as any I’ve ever seen. Yes, it’s a fridging that gets retconned away later when she turns up alive, but the fact that’s even possible speaks to just how awful and confusing her death is. The game opens with Mia’s violent murder at the hands of this series’ longest running ‘hero’, and the event is framed entirely in terms of how awful it is for her husband. That's as frigid as a fridging gets.

The eventual reveal that the real Mia was just trapped alone in a cell being experimented on by a madwoman for god knows how long doesn’t actually make it better. The horror Mia goes through in both these games is a footnote, barely explored.

I bring these events up not to condemn the RE franchise, not to say that including these sequences was unconscionable, or that violence against women can never be shown in a horror title. A quick glance at my tumblr should demonstrate how much I adore these games. Tropes like fridging become problems only because they’re so ubiquitous they can come to define almost the only roles women get to play, not because any individual example is necessarily grounds for outrage. If anything, there’s just as much to analyse in all the hate thrown at characters like Ethan Winters (or his predecessor, Jonathan Harker) as a archtypical examples of sexism against men – backlash against the very idea of a male character in the disempowered role of horror victim, usually reserved for women.

But with this context in mind, my god is it uncomfortable to see people talk about Mia as irredeemable monster who deserves to suffer more. People who will valorise the likes of Chris Redfield, who didn’t even bother to stop to tell Ethan that’s not Mia, yet talk about Mia like being shot to death in her own living room was only what she deserved. That is just a whole load of yikes.

And given that both games open with Mia being violently killed by a male protagonist (twice in RE7, with the player in control), it sure is convenient how so many people have managed to ‘find’ the evidence that proves she’s the real villain. You don’t have to think too hard about Chris Redfield as a violent maniac or Ethan Winters being forced to kill his own wife if it’s okay to inflict violence on this woman. “Yes, but she shouldn’t have done [X]…” or even “But what if she’s the real abuser” is a narrative that gets thrown at real women in abusive relationships all the time – especially when the man is a friend of whoever’s casting judgement, or even a celebrity. Real world examples of this shit in the wild run the gamut from wild fan-takes on The Shining ‘proving’ that actually the abused wife was the ‘real’ abuser all along, right up to the ongoing hate campaign against Amber Heard. People don’t want to have to think badly of someone they admire, and will take any excuse to shift the blame. The stakes are infinitely lower when we’re talking about fictional characters, but the same pattern plays out.

And look, I do get it. It’s easy to go into these games and come out with a negative opinion of Mia. She’s the one who lures you into danger in RE7, acts all innocent, and then comes at Ethan with a chainsaw – and when you finally find out her big secret at the end, it turns out she was working for the people who created Eveline from the start! You’re really not given a lot of reasons to invest in Ethan and Mia’s relationship before she’s suddenly coming at him with a knife, and the fact she never does get to come clean to him in canon leaves a bad taste in the mouth.

It’s really easy to go into RE8, note all the glaring signs that Ethan’s relationship with Mia isn’t healthy, and draw your own conclusions about a woman we don’t hardly even see again for most of the runtime of the game. Half this goddamn fandom still seems to think Heisenberg is actually a lycan, ffs – most of what people think they know about Mia is more meme than fact, and the rest is pretty surface level. Basic media literacy is not exactly high out there in the tumblrweeds (let alone the rest of the internet).

But as for the idea that Mia’s responsible for all the horrors Ethan went through, people seem to forget that Mia herself went through so much worse. Ethan spent a day in the Bakers’ property, and a day in the village. Mia spent years trapped in the Bakers’ property, and days at least imprisoned in Miranda’s lab, knowing exactly how much danger her family were in, helpless to save them. She’s no innocent herself, but ye gods has she already suffered for her crimes.

So with all that out of the way, well, what’s the actual ‘evidence’ that Mia herself was abusive? No-one's coming into this one without some bias, but let’s at least give it a fair shake.

Right upfront, I want to recognise that in both fiction and reality, women can be abusers, and men can be victims. Abuse in heterosexual relationships is far more likely to occur with the man as the abuser, but the reverse does happen, and the fact culture at large can be so eager to cast the woman as the villain doesn’t make it any easier for the real male victims of abuse to get recognition and help. Society as a whole is still just really shitty about enabling or excusing real abuse.

But the idea that Mia was abusive has very little to back it up. Whatever you make of “her” interactions with Ethan at the start of the game, the fact remains: that’s not Mia, and the fact she’s acting so strangely is meant to be our clue that something much bigger than a little marital strife is going on here. Knowing all this doesn’t really make the scene where she’s violently executed less disturbing, but you can’t miss the hints we don’t yet know the full story.

So the question becomes, is there any evidence that the real Mia was abusive? I’ve dug into this one a bit before in my post about trying to figure out the timeline of exactly when Mia was replaced, but there are no definitive answers as to how long Miranda's been living in their house. To summarise a long post (and a surprisingly lively timeline of events from the days before the game begins): the most likely intent seems to be that Miranda’s been posing as Mia for less than a week, though a lot of the vibes of the scene give me the impression it’s been several weeks at least. Ultimately, that’s going to come down to your own interpretation.

The Mia mentioned in Ethan’s diary who blew up at him at the hospital could be the real Mia, but more likely isn’t: you can’t really use her to argue anything definitive, one way or another. The Mia from the flashback where Ethan gets the call from Rose’s doctor is the real Mia, but if you think getting upset when your husband brushes off your obvious distress over your daughter’s health makes you abusive, then nothing I say here is going to convince you otherwise.

The only ‘real’ evidence that Mia might be a problem is one line you might hear from Ethan while taking Rose to bed, and it is admittedly a red flag: your mother’s scary when she’s angry.

And to anyone whose whole hatred of Mia has been built backwards from this one line – especially anyone who’s grown up in a dysfunctional household themselves – hell, I get it. It is one really yikes thing for Ethan to say about his wife.

But in Mia’s defence, I can only point out that, well, yes, canonically, she is scary when she’s angry.

Oh, did I say angry? I meant fucking possessed.

And if Ethan’s bringing up the spectre of that time, even subconsciously, maybe that should be an even bigger clue that the Mia in this house right now isn’t Mia.

But what really shows this line for what it is is that we’ve seen the real Mia angry. We’ve seen her cold fury at Eveline, daring to go right back to asking ‘can we be a family now?’ within hours forcing Mia to assault her own husband with a chainsaw. We’ve seen her frustration at Ethan’s own denial, and we’ve seen her stalk out of the room when he blows off an important conversation for a call from work. We’ve seen her advance on Chris after he shut her down, demanding, Where is my husband? Where is my daughter?!

We have never seen her angry without real justification. Her anger is neither violent nor disproportionate. It’s consistently purposeful, focused, and contained. There is nothing scary about the real Mia’s anger, unless you’re threatened by the very idea she might have something valid to be angry about.

There is evidence of tension in the Winters’ marriage from before Miranda’s arrival, but it takes a very different form – most evident in the flashback scene where Ethan receives the call from Rose’s doctor. Far from Miranda’s brusque, dismissive copy of her, the real Mia is anxious and depressed, scared of what Rose’s results might reveal. Here, Ethan’s the one brushing her concerns aside (“We talked about this […] Rose is fine!”) He recognises there seems to be something Mia’s not telling him, says they should talk about it, but then immediately brushes the conversation off when he gets a call from work, while Mia storms out of the room.

You can certainly read Mia as a hypocrite here, getting angry at Ethan for not knowing things she’s deliberately kept from him. But it’s Ethan who decides a call from work is more important than a conversation with his wife – someone who is obviously distressed, canonically still on a regime of drugs after the traumatic events of RE7, very likely suffering PTSD along with Ethan, and maybe even some form of postpartum depression. We don’t know anything about Ethan’s work, so there’s no point in speculating about how much he ‘needs’ to take that call. Mia’s no clear villain here – quite the opposite.

Personally, I tend towards taking this scene as evidence that Mia has tried to talk to Ethan about what really happened to him, but hasn’t managed to get him to face the truth. For all that Ethan supposedly wants to talk about the past, it’s a defining plot point that he’s badly in denial himself.

Or they could both be at some fault here: Ethan unwilling to face the truth, while Mia is reluctant to force him to face something she knows will hurt him and bring him distress. Even when Mia says outright that she ‘tried to keep this a secret, but…’ to Chris at the end of the game, the implication is as much that she’s tried to keep it a secret from people like Chris, who might decide Ethan is dangerous. She’s lied to protect him before, and if she’s still lying to him about her past with the Connections, then the fact that knowing the truth will hurt Ethan is obviously among her reasons. Protecting Ethan has always been among Mia’s top priorities ‒ even at her own expense.

The only other real hints we get about Mia’s inner life come from the glimpses of her we get in Donna’s domain. But I’m hesitant to read too much into these, given how unclear it is how much is just a manifestation of Ethan’s own anxieties. If anything, the ‘Mia’ in these scenes almost seems to have some far worse secret than simply having not told Ethan something he really ought to have put together on his own, and I’d kind of love to see that explored too – at least as long as that goes somewhere more interesting than round umpteen of ‘and that’s why Mia sucks’.

But my point here isn’t that you have to read any of these scenes the same way I do. I do think it’s important to recognise that nothing written for a game like RE is truly character-driven; scenes exist to serve the plot far more than to reflect consistent character motivations or hold up to fridge logic (which, let’s face it, is the real reason for most of Chris’ horrific behaviour in this game, let alone anyone else’s). The result is rarely super consistent, and leaves ample space for multiple interpretations of anyone’s motivations. Regardless, the idea there’s any hard evidence that Ethan and Mia’s relationship is dysfunctional, or that whatever’s wrong is Mia’s fault alone, is going to be incredibly hard to justify.

Any assertion that Ethan and Mia are somehow on the verge of divorce also needs to be weighed against the masses of evidence of how much they love each other – the number of times Mia has said she loves Ethan, up to and including (yes, I’m bringing this up again) how ready she is to die for him in RE7. Her speech to Chris at the end of RE8 states explicitly that being together with Ethan and Rose is the only thing that matters to her. “Mia, I’m sorry, I love you,” are some of the last words Ethan ever speaks – and I can’t help but read into how the moment he finally pushes Rose into Chris’ arms so they can get away with him weighing them down is right after he learns that Mia is alive, and thus implicitly that Rose won’t be alone if Ethan doesn’t make it. And good god does that scene break my heart every time.

It’s worth recognising that the fact Ethan and Mia love each other doesn’t inherently mean their relationship is healthy, or that you have to love them together as much as I do. Like I said up top, you don’t have to like Mia, and you don’t have to justify not liking her if you don’t. I would genuinely like to see fics where Mia and Ethan’s supposedly-necessary break up feels in character. Where Ethan loves her but just can’t deal with the resentment and the fallout over all the lies she told him, where he's been clinging to his 'happy ending' with Mia after surviving the Bakers so hard he can't face the fact things just aren't working, or where he’s having to face that their relationship only ever really worked because she was away so much. It will break my heart, but fiction is allowed to do that.

But god, it would be nice if people could just take the bashing below an eleven around this place. The number of times I’ve had to sigh and back-button out of reading something, because yet another author has decided to project their own hatred for Mia onto the husband who’s still reeling from watching her being violently murdered in front of him… it gets fucking old, y’know?

I would really like to think that in the year of our lord 2024, fandom would be a bit past this thing where they bash the canonical female love interest in the name of shipping the hero with another dude. People will bend over backwards to try and cast Heisenberg and Chris as guys who really care about consent and worry about Ethan getting hurt, because heaven forbid anyone be caught shipping something slightly problematic. And yet misogyny still somehow gets a pass.

You do not have to love Mia. You don’t even have to like her. But ye gods, the hate she gets is baseless and absurd.

Hasn't this poor woman suffered enough?

(And on that note, I promise I am finally done soapboxing in defence of Mia Winters, thank you for bearing with me for this long.)

[star-anise]

reading supercut: disability, body image, and trauma

A glimpse into the clothes thrashing around in the washing machine of my mind, with apologies that it is still a wet lump and not an actual synthesis of ideas.

From Easy Beauty: A Memoir by Chloé Cooper Jones:

[This event] embedded a damaging idea in me, one I’d recognize deeply when I read Scarry years later: beauty was a matter of particulars aligning correctly. My body put me in a bracketed, undercredited sense of beauty. But if I could get the particulars lined up just right, I could be re-seen, discovered like the palm tree is discovered. To be deserving of the whole range of human desires, I had to be extraordinary in all other aspects. In this new light, I started to see my work, my intellect, my skills, my moments of humor or goodness, not as valuable in themselves, but as ways of easing the impact of my ugliness. If only I could pile up enough good qualities, they could obscure my unacceptable body. [...] accepting the argument that beauty was malleable came, for me, with a cost. The Platonian view rejected me cleanly, but Hume and Scarry left a door ajar and I’ve spent a lifetime trying to contort my form to see if I could pass through it.

From Til We Have Faces: A Myth Retold by CS Lewis:

I now determined that I would go always veiled. I have kept this rule, within doors and without, ever since. It is a sort of treaty made with my ugliness. There had been a time in childhood when I didn't yet know I was ugly. Then there was a time (for in this book I must hide none of my shames or follies) when I believed, as girls do — and as Batta was always telling me — that I could make it more tolerable by this or that done to my clothes or my hair. Now, I chose to be veiled.

From Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy of Borderline Personality Disorder by Marsha Linehan:

Inhibited grieving is understandable among borderline patients. People can only stay with a very painful process or experience if they are confident that it will end some day, some time—that they can "work through it," so to speak. It is not uncommon to hear borderline patients say they feel that if they ever do cry, they will never stop Indeed, that is their common experience—the experience of not being able to control or modulate their own emotional experiences. [...] In the face of such helplessness and lack of control, inhibition and avoidance of cues associated with grieving are not only understandable, bur perhaps wise at times. Inhibition, however, has its costs. [...] Volkan (1983) describes an interesting phenomenon, "established pathological mourning", which is similar to the pattern I am describing. In established pathological mourning, the individual wishes to complete mourning, but at the same time persistently attempts to undo the reality of the loss.

From How to Respond to Criticism by Danny Lavery:

Apologize, but don’t really mean it, and plant a seed of secret resentment so deep in your own heart that years later you can’t even remember that you’re the one who nurtured it and made it grow, it seems that much like a native part of you.

From Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed:

[After learning that state child protective services had made a budgetary decision to only intervene with children under 12, to one of the teenagers that regularly shared stories of abuse at home] I told her it was not okay, that it was unacceptable, that it was illegal and that I would call and report this latest, horrible thing. But I did not tell her it would stop. I did not promise that anyone would intervene. I told her it would likely go on and she’d have to survive it. That she’d have to find a way within herself to not only escape the shit, but to transcend it [...] I told her that escaping the shit would be hard, but that if she wanted to not make her mother’s life her destiny, she had to be the one to make it happen. She had to do more than hold on. She had to reach. She had to want it more than she’d ever wanted anything. She had to grab like a drowning girl for every good thing that came her way and she had to swim like fuck away from every bad thing. She had to count the years and let them roll by, to grow up and then run as far as she could in the direction of her best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by her own desire to heal.

From Essays in Aesthetics by Jean-Paul Sartre:

Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.

From "I Know What You Think of Me" by Tim Kreider:

if we want the rewards of being loved we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known.

[velvetvexations]

TW for brief mention of abuse in the last paragraph (nothing detailed, just, a mention of stats) I'm dumping this here because I'm scared to have my name attached to it, but I quite firmly believe that you cannot actually be an ally to all trans people while also hating cis men. Obviously there is something to be said about how it harms trans women, but I don't fully understand the experience that comes with that, and I'll mostly be speaking about AFAB transmascs here because I'm AFAB transmasc. I'm also disabled and using my last spoons to understand and type this, so apologies.

I find that people take two routes as to how to approach trans men, when they hold hatred for cis men, in that they either divorce the idea of us from the idea of "man", or they decide that because of our manhood, we are both privileged, and they must hate us too.

When it comes to separating us from manhood, a lot of people will talk about "men" and "trans men" as separate categories, and you see it in things like "not you though, I didn't mean trans men", but you also see it in the way that people have completely different expectations of how trans men and cus men should interact with the world, particularly with women. I don't really have the energy to think about how to put it into words, so if anyone else can pick up what I'm putting down, feel free to add on, or I might come back and elaborate later. But I find that it completely alienates us from the concept of manhood.

I've also had similar from my own mother, who told me that it was hard to see me as a man, because I had such "feminine traits", like, being helpful. Kind. Thoughtful. Things like that, because she found it hard to reconcile the fact that I was apparently all of those things, while also being a man, which is apparently the bad gender. Because evil is stored in the gender, obviously. (/s)

The other way I mentioned is the way that transradfems most often take, in the idea that men always oppress women, and there is no situational factor to it, and therefore trans men are included in that, and are therefore privileged and so it is fine to hate us, because we're men, and therefore it is okay to hate us, and this will never cause us any harm. For example, being denied access to shelters for being men. For many transandrophobes, us complaining about this is us being whiny and privileged, or weaponizing our AGAB, whereas, to myself certainly, I can't speak for others, male victims are more common than most people dare to think, but there is a lack of shelters that provide for men, which is an even bigger problem for trans men, because we have extremely high rates of abuse, but nowhere to turn to without having to detransition.

I also maintain it'll always be a major threat to trans women as well. If you call yourself a trans ally but hate cis men, as far as I'm concerned you're one step away from turning on me because there's no basis on which you can logically claim cis men are categorically worse that doesn't also apply to trans women - like, is it because of how they're raised, how society teaches them to be? Because that sure sounds a lot like you're expressing a belief in male socialization! TERFs are wrong about trans women, but if you accept their worldview you can't take it halfway and expect it to make sense.

[dalekofchaos]

William Afton is not a loving father and is not sympathetic in anyway

Might be a hot take. But I honestly feel like William Afton always being awful works.

William Afton being an unfeeling psychopath who kills because he gets some sick pleasure out of it and because he discovered remnant is better than William being a loving and caring father who turned mad because he lost CC and Elizabeth.

Some people are just evil. William Afton is just pure evil. Freddy Krueger nor Pennywise needed motivations on why they killed kids. Not knowing why Afton does what he does makes things better.

And its probably the most engaging thing about Afton. Also his always coming back thing is the only instance that I accept a character coming back from the dead. Like, I've never seen this trope work EVER except FNaF.

William Afton just being a garbage person just WORKS. He is so evil that his eternal hell is facing torture at the hands of his creations and the one vengeful child who wants him to suffer.

You know the meme

“Cool story, still murder”

For William it’s

“I’m just awful, it’s murder time children”

Also, William using his kids as an excuse to justify the murders does work, but only because he likes using his children and only wanting to bring his kids back in animatronic form can only work so they can do his bidding and collect more remnant so he can always come back. William being awful works.

Henry might've been neglectful of Charlie and Sammy, but William canonically abuses Elizabeth. He did nothing to help CC against Michael's cruel bullying and no, being the probable voice for psychic friend Fredbear is NOT a sign of good parenting. He used Michael to help him in his experiments and used him to clean up the mess HE MADE. William Afton is not a good father.

And if Midnight Motorist is about the Aftons, how is that not an abusive home? "leave him be, he had a long day" "I TOLD YOU not to lock the door" and then either it being CC or Michael, they broke the window to literally get away from the unhappy home.

And let's not forget he experiments on children in his fear experiments to recreate the events that lead to the death of his son.

William doesn't love his family. He sees them as objects he owns, and wants to force them to be perfect. And when they fail them, he replaces them.

There's a reason why Unbroken to me is the definitive Afton song.

He's so goddamn happy that he committed murder because of the remnant it gives him and doesn't give a shit about anyone else. It's chilling to watch. And the last line is so goddamn evil that it's amazing: "If I can't have my perfect little family, well, now I'll have plenty of time, to make a better one."

People have to realize that William never meant anything good whenever he wanted to "put something back together". It's referencing combining souls into one thing. When he did this in the novels, he did it because he believed it would somehow help him achieve eternal life. When he scooped a collection of remnant that came from who knows where into the Funtimes, it was likely for the same reason. He didn't want to help the Crying Child. He wanted the Crying Child to willingly give himself to him.

So I think Unbroken really shows how he is. Break them and put them back together. Let their combined cries build immortality.

This is why I use Unbroken as the definitive song and basis for William's motivation and goals. An unfeeling psychopath who sees killing kids as a fair trade for immortality and if he can't have a perfect family, then he'll just build a better one.

William in all his iterations is never shown interacting with his children in a positive way. The closest we get to him is telling his daughter Elizabeth not to go near Circus Baby. And even though Sister Location is when voice acting began to take hold of the franchise, we never hear how William speaks to his daughter. In these moments, the only instance of him speaking about his children in the games is up for debate. But if you believe the orange man in Midnight Motorist is Afton, he speaks about the runaway child with disdain and frustration. "he will be sorry when he gets back" whether it's Mike or CC he made them sorry either by locking CC in the parts and services in FNAF 4 or made Mike sorry via Nightmare Animatronics. All throughout the FNAF 4 cutscenes, he neglects his children entirely. Even when he is AT THE PIZZERIA with them, he doesn't acknowledge them during his own child's birthday party whose death is meant to be the catalyst for his descent into madness that the fandom widely believes and as that child cries out in fear, he is nowhere to be found.

Moving on from the games. Nothing about the books paints William to be a warm person. He's depicted in the novels as not only neglectful to Elizabeth, but physically abusive to her as well, even after she's killed by the animatronic she idolized, William does not soften at the loss of her, we do not see him grieve and he treats Circus Baby just as poorly as in the games, only thing missing is a scene of controlled shocks. Circus Baby is just a vessel for remnant and a devoted follower who is helping him with his experiments.

Game Michael is tasked with potentially cleaning up after William, but definitely with putting Circus Baby back together just as his father asked and his reward is getting scooped, being injected with remnant and having his body filled with animatronic parts and when Ennard abandons his body. Mike is left confused, alone and slowly rotting, but never dying. Immortal and restless.

In the movie William treats Vanessa like a tool to be ordered and it's implied Vanessa helped William cover up the the murders or killed as she was tasked with killing Mike and she lives in fear of him. When Vanessa finally stands up to him, he doesn't hesitate to dispose of her.

Whether it's the games, books or movies. William treats his living children as tools at best and obstacles at worst. I believe there is more than enough evidence to say that William Afton is not motivated by a design or desire to reunite with his lost loved ones or recreate some beautiful family. I don't think he wants to play pretend the way Henry seems to do in the novels with Charlie. Afton never really appreciated a single thing he ever had, not when he had it and certainly when he lost it. In Afton's eyes he only sees what others have and views things and other people through the lens of what they can do for him. He needs to be in control of his environment and everything should be at his disposal.

What motivates William Afton? He became enthralled with Henry's creations, jealous even. Perhaps they made him feel inferior as they were better than anything Afton had ever been able to create, so he studied Henry. The resentment in the obsession growing inside him as they became partners and their business was a success, it wasn't enough. He wanted the animatronics to be his own. He deserved them, he built the business and he shouldn't have to share the success with Henry, but he knew he needed Henry and that was infuriating to him and seeing Henry having the perfect family William always wanted was what caused him to kill Charlie that night. He wanted to take something from Henry and William needed to feel in control and for Henry to be vulnerable just to prove it could be taken away from him if William really wanted to and he did. What William wasn't expecting was that the security Puppet assigned to Charlie's bracelet would do exactly as it was programmed to do, it found Charlie and as she died, her soul fused to it. Upon discovering this, it would set William on a new path. He needed to understand why this would happen and how. Not because he was desperate to see his son or daughter again. But because he needed to be able to harness this ability to control it. His son lying in a coma would be brought back by his hands and he'd have the power to do something Henry cnever could. However he came to the conclusion he decided he'd need to kill again and he did. Stuffing bodies into the animatronics to see if they too would become possessed. Besides, who was going to go looking for the missing children in the suits? From here he would learn about remnant and conducted a particular gruesome experiment. What if a person died inside a spring lock suit? The result was something more powerful, but it was less predictable and obident than the others had been, but he did learn a valuable lesson about spring locks. He created the Funtimes to keep collecting and experimenting with remnant and he used electric shocks to keep them obedient and when he was no longer able, he enlisted Michael to continue his work.

We don't have all the information, but from what we do have, these motivations track with of Afton. Far more than the idea of a grief stricken father. If something happened to William to make him an insecure jealous man whose morality was shaped only by his own selfish desire. It happened before the events of FNAF. I don't think that's unsatisfying, I think it's a reminder of what we become when we reject humanity when our insecurities turn to jealousy, when we refuse to accept that some things are out of our control and allow fear to become hatred. While we can point to Henry and Edwin's rage against their respective machines, we also see the other side of them, the love of their children. You never see this human or soft side of William and personally I believe that's because it isn't there. William Afton's choices were not the choices of a man acting out of love or grief and that is why he's not a sympathetic villain and that is why it works so well and how it gets under our skin. When his actions are explained by those emotions because he's never been shown expressing them. If Afton is trying to rebuild his children, he is doing so to create loyal and obedient versions of them to do his bidding to make sure his work can continue and that he can always come back.

"YOU WILL DO AS I SAY. YOU WILL BRING ME WHAT I WANT AND IF YOU FAIL ME, THEN YOU WILL, BOTH OF YOU WILL BURN"

I believe this is what the original Security Breach story was meant to be. Vanessa was meant to be Elizabeth reborn and Gregory CC reborn as robots and tasked with slowly replacing William's body with animatronic parts injected with remnant and it lines up with what we know from the books. But Sony fucked the game and the original plan fell through and they course corrected.

Last few paragraphs from this video

But bottom line is, I don't believe William is this loving father with originally noble goals as the fandom likes to paint him because Scott writes William anything but than what the fandom portrays William to be and I think it's good that he's not a sympathetic villain. Sometimes some people are always awful and they don't have to have something bad happen to them. The masses have forgotten the simple pleasures of experiencing a nasty villain who delights in their crime and is the pettiest specimen one could ever design. William Afton to me is Scott pouring every negative/evil trait he could think up into the shape of a character and I just think it's good way to write William Afton.

There’s a reason the Afton Amalgamation is one giant Bunny made out of trash.

[youremyheaven]

Princess here. Hey babe how are you?

I feel like you're the only anon left here 🤭🤣

I currently have a slight cold and feel a bit out of it but I'm going to use this opportunity to do a bit of an inventory for 2024 as it is the end of the year. If anyone's interested, you can do the same and drop me askszz

Things I did in 2024:

1. Moved away from the place I lived in for 8 years 😭

2. Grew my hair down to my ass and then cut it chest length??? (My first haircut in like 3 years??)

Not all growth is meant to stay. Sometimes we grow in ways that help us protect ourselves during difficult circumstances but you can't live wearing your armour 24/7, so it's important to shed the layers we've accumulated every once in a while (me philosophising the heck out of my hairdresser telling me my hair is damaged and needs to lose length lmao 😭😂)

3. I cut off friendships I'd maintained for 8 ish years. Just because something has lasted a long time doesn't mean it has to stay. Especially if things aren't working out.

Don't tolerate disrespect and don't hold on just for the sake of it.

4. I went to therapy for 3-4 months and then I quit therapy

I needed it at that time but I'm also glad I quit when I did because I felt myself microanalysing everything through therapy speak and it wasn't healthy lol

5. I went back to my ex after 6 years and then it gave me the reality check I needed and I promptly left him

6. I dated someone who treated me like a princess but still somehow didn't respect me or value me lmao (yes, they exist)

7. A friend I had for a long ish time behaved inappropriately with me when he was drunk and despite having a gf, told me he thinks I'm hot etc etc this cemented my belief that men and women could perhaps never actually be friends

8. I started abusing substances after being sexually abused.

I never thought I'd have a substance addiction era bc that's sooo not me like no one would ever think I was a chainsmoker but that was the lowest point of my life this year. I didn't brush, shower, eat or even get out of bed for weeks. I stayed high and drunk bc I felt so unsafe in my body and was dissociating severely. I'm so glad to have recovered from it and move past it and to have had someone in my life who held my hand through that journey bc it was messy asf and I have sooo much compassion for people who stay stuck in that loop for years and lose so much of their time, like I completely get how easy it is to lose yourself entirely

9. Adult relationships are so different??

I wish I had been in a relationship in my early 20s or when I was in college so that I could get a little bit of a crash course on this stuff and not feel so overwhelmed by expectations bc im already 24 and things start getting serious at this age 😭😭

But I'm also glad I stayed single throughout college bc it really helped me solidify my own identity and understand who I am, what I want and what I expect. I think 18-22 are very personality cementing years and I'm kinda glad that my personality wasn't shaped by a romantic relationship even if I was madly in love with someone all those years (unrequited, one sided stuff). The act of being in love with someone unconditionally like that has perhaps altered me in ways I can't even express but I'm glad there's no trauma or drama to recall from that experience

10. What someone tells you when they're angry is exactly what they've been thinking of all this while.

11. I make my own money??? And pay my own bills??? And I have a job that I like??

12. You don't know a person until you live with them. Don't ever marry anyone you haven't lived with 🫡🫡

13. Sex is nothing special without love

14. Had really good sex and really bad sex

15. Met new people, made new friends

16. I modelled??? I've done a couple of photoshoots now??

17. Had ₹80 left in my bank account and still somehow survived

18. I learnt to cook and I loveeee to cook now

19. I got a tattoo!!!

20. I got many more piercings

21. I resolved a 1.5 year long "crush" twin flame esque situation I had with a guy

22. I travelled 💛

23. Built a new identity for myself 🫡

24. Restarted my creative journey

25. Lost touch with myself and then now I'm finally going home to me

[skayafair]

Daaaaaaaaaamn this boy has absolutely no idea how to process his feelings *head in hands*

^ this is about episode 4 ending by the way

And, well, yes, Crystal does refocus any talk about others' problems to hers, okay. Usually there's at least a bridge of "yeah I get you, it's really rough" before sharing your own experience to connect, but she just goes straight to "And I...". Which... honestly she has every right to, but it's also her old self talking, yes.

I'm a bit stuck on Charles' "I cant help her, I can't help you, I can't help anyone or anything" because. It's so damn familiar. It's not that he can't help anyone - he does so plenty. It's not even that he can't SAVE anyone - they DO. But he can't see this, because the ones the closest to him are the ones he cannot save. This isn't about helping, that's a fucking saviour complex. An "if I'm not useful or helpful they don't need me", only just "helping" has never been enough now, has it? It's never enough, whatever you do. Moral support or help with research, little daily things are help, too. But it doesn't count. It has to be big, something you can't overlook, and it has to be final, to make who you're trying to save happy, forever. Only it's not possible. That's why the saviour complex is so bad - you can't save someone whose life is not over over completely, forever. You can only help bit by bit, but it won't ever be enough for you, because it has never been enough for someone big and important in your life, someone from family.

I kinda knew where exactly my - the same - issues stemmed from but never looked at it from this specific angle. I didn't connect the dots at first because Charles had an actual physically abusive parent while for mine it's just narcissistic tendences, but. Honestly the general outline is too familiar and I was tiggered and more perceptive today so yeah, thanks again for the insight, DBD.

The feeling of "I can't help my best friend, I can't help my family, I can't help anyone or anything, so what's even the point of me at all?" is too familiar. And I believe the show didn't create a resolution for Charles' problem, more like put it on hold because there were more pressing matters at hand. If we get season 2, I hope it developes this theme further. I need someone to tell him "your worth has nothing to do with this".

Speaking of which, I can't help being astonished at how psychologically accurate and nuanced the show is. With all the characters, really, but Charles' case is the most obvious, I think. The way he's always drawn to the same kind of people and - wow, Charles, that was unusually perceptive! - even noticed it himself? What he didn't notice yet is that this is the kind of people not only with similar personality traits, but also unavailable. Edwin's metaphorical walls, Crystal being alive and honestly just not very interested? Both are rather rude and I couldn't help noticing how uncomfortable Charles often looks when either of his sweethearts is at it again. I could almost see the cogs in his head turning, figuring out how to balance out yet another moody fit of theirs, be it Edwin or Crystal. And not being offended by obvious insults? Hell, Crystal noticed it right away. Yeah he's used to it with Edwin but that's not normal??? There's nothing good about it??? Have some self-worth, boy!

And. Well. Chasing after an unavailable partner is a totally common thing with this kind of trauma. Toxic relationship is the only normal you know. The only kind of "love" you know. If it doesn't hurt even a little, doesn't have these highs and lows, if you don't have to accomodate another's fits - what are we even talking about, yeah?

Charles is honestly lucky though. Edwin tries to be nicer, amitting his flaws, and generally they are pretty well-balanced and keep growing together (but there's always room for developement). Crystal is doing her best and is caring all over as well. The intent is there and it's good at its heart.

But I'm still waiting for the resolution. "You're the best man I've ever known" doesn't cut it.

Also it would be REALLY interesting to see Charles' developement in s2 because while Crystal is probably still off-limits due to the whole the living and the dead thing (and she wants to be friends), Edwin has opened up. Are there going to be any changes in this regard, because this isn't even about romantic or platonic and the orientation, it's about the dynamic in whole? Or is this going to be glossed over? I mean, when Crystal was being emotionally available as a friend - same episode 4 - Charles got angry fot prying. He doesn't know how to deal with all this but has made some progress. Will we see more of it?

We need season 2 SO. BAD.

[hologramcowboy]

During covid, I remember Jensen and Danneel did a video with someone (I want to say Jewel but I could be wrong), and Danneel brought up her own “anxiety”, and said she keeps a pill (maybe someone gave her?) as a reminder or something, that supposedly gives her the strength to get through whatever it is that bothers her.

I don’t know why but that kind of shit bothers me. As someone with anxiety and depression, I have to take medication, as well as my family members do as well. How many people do you think wish they can just hold onto a pill and be like, “Well, as long as I got this pill in my pocket. I’ll be just fine.”

It just sort of seemed mocking to me. Like it’s her own security blanket.

I’m sorry if I seem ranting or out of place here, but I can’t help but feel like this woman is delusional and she should really think before she speaks, especially if it’s about something she has no personal experience or knowledge about.

Danneel was merely trying to make herself relatable by touching upon the subject of mental health and I agree with you 100%, as someone who suffers from depression, her comment came off condescending to me. Because it invalidated a very real truth when it comes to imbalances the brain can have, medication is what helps balance the chemicals in someone's brain so it is absolutely delusional to expect healing as long as that imbalance is not dealt with. Plus, the message behind it is "There's no such thing as mental issues, I can just decide to keep a pill in my pocket and be fine", very dangerous if you ask me and it also shows how entitled and disconnected she truly is. Ages ago on Twitter she also invalidated someone's mental issues. Does anyone have a screenshot of that? No matter what example you favs give you, please, please, please take care of your mental health as fandom can very easily turn into a ground for mental issues. Just look at the overly obsessed Jenneel stans who keep sending hate to everyone who disagrees. Another example is hellers and their maintained delusion and the abuse they enact to ensure it is accepted as a reality. What I am trying to say is that fanaticism can very easily lead to mental imbalances of a serious nature so no matter what ignorant people like Danneel Ackles say, please always take care of yourselves and get whatever help is needed. There is absolutely zero wrong with taking a treatment when it is needed and it benefits your well being. Thank you, anon, for sending this in. It's so important to openly talk about mental issues and normalize care. The trouble with putting mindless celebrities like Danneel on a pedestal is exactly the toxic messages she ends up sending out. This is why I admire Genevieve, she does her research and speaks openly about topics that are important and does so by adding value to the discussion as opposed to Elta's couch activism and constant failure to engage conversational intelligence and critical thinking.

[sarascamander]

If you love Kit and Ty, you HAVE to read the Adventure of Holloway Holmes — it gives the EXACT VIBE of KitTy. I'm not even kidding. We have two wannabe sleuths absolutely pining for each other, crimes to solve, amazing banters, and just so much more! One of the similarities:

1. The main character is Jack Moreno who Kit wished he was. I LOVE KIT but Jack stole my heart in a way he didn't lmao. They both are sarcastic, hilarious, independent and undeniably in love with their partner in crime. Honestly, being in Jack's head is one of the best experiences of my love. It's so fun!

I wanted to close my eyes. I wanted to smack my head against the steering wheel. Off the top of my head, I could make a list: some fairly good weed, a lot of addies, condoms (not that those were illegal), unopened vapes (those were), this rare tentacle porn manga that Ty Bryce had paid me for but asked me to hold on to. After I got out of prison in thirty years, I already knew, Dad was going to make me have a super awkward sex talk.

2. And Holmes aka H (as Jack fondly nicknamed because Holloway Holmes is such a posh name in his humble opinion) is so precious!!!! I want to wrap him in a blanket burrito even though he is actually capable of breaking my arm without blinking. But god! Someone needs to take care of him. Although it's never been specified in the book, I'm 80% sure he's autistic. Either that or he was badly abused (which he was). He reminded me of Ty by the way he speaks and acts.

I examined his face. Then I gave him a smile. He was doing a Holmes thing, not looking me in the eye, so I moved my head until he was. This was something we’d been working on.

3. You know how Kit will suddenly drift to a paragraph of how beautiful Ty is? Well, Jack Moreno might give Kit a run for his money (he's so obsessed with H's knuckles and the thousands of shades of gold in his hair, it's embarrassing)

He made a frustrated noise. Then he smiled. The expression was a little stiff; he wasn’t used to doing it, and it was another of those things that he was self-conscious about. I’d read about people who get up at two or three in the morning—on vacation, no less, when they’re in Hawaii—and then they drive hours and hours, and all of it is to see the sunrise from this one specific spot, and I thought, Come to Utah if you want something worth your time

Context: they're in Utah. Jack basically said that Holmes' smile is prettier than the sunrise!! 😩

4. Their relationship is literally so pure and one of the things that get me insane about them is their communication!! They always worked hard to communicate with each other and sort things out it's so satisfying to read!!

“I lied,” Holmes said, but he still wasn’t looking me in the eye. “I am angry with you.” “I guessed.” “I don’t want to do this right now.” “It’s good practice."

5. Their banter is *chef kiss*

“I’ll tell him it’s a sex thing.” “Good,” Holmes said. “He’ll be pleased that all your hours of mindless pornography are finally paying dividends.” My jaw legit dropped. “H!” “Desk, please.” “That was so amazingly bitchy.” “Desk.” “And, like, also kind of evil. Which I loved.”

And there are literally hundreds of reasons to read this trilogy if you are craving for Kit and Ty. And although their vibes are similar, they are also their own people. And words can't say how much I adore them. The story and relationship is really beautifully written. I honestly don't care much about the crime but I'm obsessed with these two

Some of my favourites quotes:

He sat there in silhouette, head down. I knew the curve of his spine. I knew the span of his shoulders. Anywhere, I thought. I could be anywhere and know you

“You are my soul, Jack Moreno. I do not know why John Watson wrote his stories that way, why he wrote himself so small, when he was so much more. I do not think I will ever understand. But I do not want to know what I would be without you.”

I knew that he was something more than me, something vast and wonderful that I could only touch the edges of. But for someone like me, the edge was enough—just a glimpse was enough. And, more importantly for right now, I knew what he sounded like when he’d been hurt, the quality of his breathing, because I’d hurt him in a way few people ever had. Which was why, in those rare midnight hours when I could be honest with myself, I knew it was better this way, as friends. Because I didn’t deserve him

“But he was so much more. Sherlock Holmes was a brilliant detective, Jack. He would have been that regardless of other circumstances. But he was a good man—he was a happy man—because of John Watson.”

“What do you say to that, I wanted to know. What am I supposed to say? What do you want me to say? But what I was really asking was, How am I supposed to do this again? I barely survived the first time; what am I supposed to do when you leave me again?”

I had seen, this spring, jacaranda blossoms so pale they were almost blue, trembling with the breath of the mountains. I had seen, when I'd been twelve, a foil of goldfinches flocking against the crushed dusk. I had seen a shooting star once, thinning across the sky like combed silver. And I had seen Holloway Holmes smile.

There's so much but I don't want to spam so I really hope you give it a try!!

[metaforth]

I can speak for myself. As an autistic person I am more than capable of deciding on my own what offends me in terms of representation. I do not need allistics to come to my defense on matters I don't even care about.

It infuriates me to no end everytime I see the thousandth video by an allistic person insisting a specific character is autism coded and talking about how they're a harmful stereotype when I myself don't even see what makes that character seem autistic. Perhaps the one with stereotypical views on aspies isn't any of the people working on that show methinks.

Like honestly, I don't really have any problems with Sheldon from Big Bang Theory. Honestly I sorta like him. For one that show runners have denied time and time again that he's meant to be autistic to the point of making it canon in the show that he was tested for it and isn't but, if we're looking at him that way...

He's a PhD holding scientist with a high paying job. He's got a circle of friends who while they may at times find him irritating ultimately are willing to give him the space he needs and understand his differences from their behavior wise and that sometimes they need to be a little more careful with him, friends who share and are willing to indulge him on his special interests. By the end of the show he has a wife that loves and respects him not in spite of his behaviors, but in large part because of how they're part of who he is. This is bad? Fuck this is aspirational. I'd love this. But the show makes some jokes at his expense so the creators are ableist I guess.

Now I haven't seen every single episode of Big Bang so maybe they go all autism speaks at some point, who knows, but my point is maybe let us talk about this? The people who actually are autistic and would love a platform to be seen talking about it.

The one that pisses me off the most is when people assert that Arthur from the Joker movie is autistic (what?) and the movie depicts that as the primary reason he's violent. For one I never got that sense from the movie, I got the sense that a multitude of things in his life lead to his decline and to his eventual turn to violence and public outbursts aside from just his mental conditions, societal pressures, constant abuse from everyone in his life and complete strangers alike, a lifetime of being lied to by his mother, ect. But ig you need some way to feel morally superior to people with media literacy so have your tangents about how the movie is ableist I guess.

And it was mostly nuerotypicals making that point, which is even more annoying to me. Videos like that got so fucking big and most of the time were made by people who honestly, I don't even think saw the movie, and were white knighting on behalf of a group of people who at least in my circles, fucking love Joker.

Let autistic people speak for themselves. By speaking over us when we don't have a platform to be heard and insisting you know what we're thinking when we're capable of doing communicating that ourselves you are no different than the con artists at Autism Speaks or the ableists who think we're all non verbal and incapable of interacting with other human beings. You are doing just as much harm as any of them, if not even more because you're tricking people into believing you actually care what we think.

I'm certain plenty of autistic and neurodivergent disagree with my opinions on Joker and Big Bang Theory and thats great. But I want to hear THEIR takes on why, not yours.

That's why the rallying cry for us will always be important, because we have the constant experience of being denied a platform to speak about our own issues, even by our alleged allies. So it is now and forever shall be, Nothing about us, without us.

[cosmichighpriestess]

Entering your villian era.

When you've been demonized and judged your entire life for existing and not hurting anyone intentionally or for your special unique abilities and how you look, your beauty, your handsomeness, how you speak, based off your skin color, your class, your status, how you dress, your hair, your unique makeup and/or nails, your gender, your weight, how you hold yourself, your unique qualities, your psychic abilities, your neurodivergence, your quirks, where you go, where you work, your reputation ect. Remember, none of those things define you.

You are special just as everyone else is special in their own way. We are all equal as souls having a human experience. But your inner light is invisible to most people and their insecurities and fears feel exposed in your presence. You are the truth in a world full of lies. Basically, just for existing and focusing on yourself and your life, your family, your passions, your interests, your self care, your immediate surroundings, your community, and your friends that you have the ability to help when you can. Ect.

Basically, you are a person who is attacked for being who you are, focusing on yourself, your success, your happiness, focusing on the next level you want to get to and just for simply existing, triggering them and their insecurities and believing the lies that everyone tells about you because they are triggered by you.

You are so accepting of everybody around you and anyone you encounter but nobody is accepting of you. Where it is very rare that somebody is ever celebrating you or even acknowledging your existence. They mistake your inner confidence as arrogance. You know the difference between being arrogant, narcissistic and deeply loving yourself and having confidence. They demonize your character because you threaten their ego and limiting beliefs about themselves and how people should act according to their rules. They're playing a secret game with you the moment they felt triggered by you.

"Oh this person doesn't do it my way, they are so (insert insult) this and that, oh this person is bad because x,y and z, and this I heard from so and so that they did this. Oh they're so full of themselves because they ignore me. they're so skinny. They're so fat. they are broke, they're so rich . Oh she or he is really like this I know because of this this and this" we all have beliefs, negative beliefs of how things should be or look. When they project and blame you and draw their line in the sand.

I have some information about you from God, actually that's not what the data says about you and your character. God says show me the data. The data and the truth is that you were living in integrity to the best of your abilty and being the perfect scapegoat for their shame and insecurities, and abusive, gaslighting, manipulative, controlling ways.

If you are autistic/neurodivergent and you couldn't help that you didn't understand humans and their lack of compassion and understanding, you couldn't help being yourself and you were abused and used for not being understood. You are very brave to be the light in the darkness, you are very spiritually highly advanced if you are autistic. You don't have to be to relate to this. So if someone, anyone is hurting you whether they realize you're triggering them or not just remember it's their loss.

They want you to be the villain and they want to play the victim, when in reality they are in denial they are abusive and toxic. Yeah of course I'll be the bad guy in your story if it gets you to leave me alone. God will show them what it feels and looks like to be a real victim, whatever you had to go through they will find out for themselves how it feels. Of course we'll be the bad guy in their story because then we get peace, we get real unconditional love, we get celebrated and embraced for who we are naturally; while you took our kindness as manipulative, as weak, as stupid and inferior. Not all of us think the same. Not everything is as it seems.

Embrace chaos but check your ego, "check yourself before you wreck yourself." If you have made it this far and you relate to this, you are not someone that is in competition with others. If someone doesn't like you, you know by now that has nothing to do with you. They are entitled to their distorted opinions. Who cares? Why are they so focused on you and other people instead of themselves? Aren't we all just mirrors and they are seeing a distorted version of you?

Why are they so bothered by someone who doesn't bother anyone? Because they're not focused on healing they're focused on pointing the finger at everyone else. That is not your business and that is not your problem what someone else thinks of you. But it IS up to you how you choose to react. Give your demons a kiss on the forehead. You are GOD, God's power flows through you. Release your illusionary fears. You are always safe. Always choose love and forgiveness, even if they label you as the narcissist. They don't write your story for you, only you do.

Sometimes it's the people that nobody expects anything from that do the things that nobody expects. Those who were last shall be first. It is destined. It is written in the stars. If God is for you no one can be against you. You were not made for the weak. Your natural light triggers those operating from fear and lack. Deep matrix fear based programming. All they know is suffering and believing in the illusions, but your inner light exposes the darkness and their illusions and they can't handle the truth.

They are just a reflection of another old version of you. But they feel rejected by you so they continue to turn you into the villain. You are the truth. What looks upside down is actually the opposite of your true reality. You cannot be easily brainwashed by the fear and control tactics. Your being is a force to be reckoned with. We are no longer giving our energy to the wrong people who do not value or appreciate our kindness and presence. What's meant for you will always find you. It can never miss you.

So, when you are labeled as the villain in their story, just remember you can flip the script at any moment, you don't owe them shit, not even to play pretend with them so they feel less threatened and stay unbothered in your truth. Be love in the face of their hate. Forgive them, for they are you. Follow your joy while they watch. Honor your truth. Stand in your authenticity. Stay balanced in your darkness and your light, accept your role on Earth as the light barrier, the light holder, the enlightened master, the wounded warrior, the teacher, the leader.

Any falsehood or lies will be quickly and easily uncovered because there's no hiding from anyone in New Earth, everyone is telepathic and psychic and can see right through any lie, any deception, any projection, manipulation, any reptilian agenda. Your presence exposes their wounds. You are not the problem. You never were. Your pure, gorgeous energy triggered them so they blamed you for how they were feeling then abandoned you. We are raising the level of human consciousness. It was what we came here to do. You are divine, never forget who you are.

[soulofapatrick]

Family isn’t Always Blood - Joel Miller x Reader

Summary: Your parents make a surprise appearance, Joel and Tommy arriving to your rescue and a big secret gets revealed

Words: 1.5k

Warnings: fluff; angst; mentions of abuse; someone being punched; fluff

Notes: I don’t know why my stories are suddenly so family orientated angst I promise ill write some fluffy and smutty ones soon

Y/N’s POV

I open the front door, expecting the knocking to be any of the four Millers from across the street. They all have a key to mine but sometimes they forget them so they knock meaning I wasn’t expecting anything unusual. Yet, standing in front of me are two people I never expected to see. Two people who have made my life a living hell and the exact reason I moved to Austin, Texas. They shower me with fake smiles and hugs before pushing past me and into my house, beady eyes looking around as they walk to my kitchen like they own the place. I debate whether leaving them here and going across the street to the Millers, feeling a lot safer if Joel or Tommy were here but it’s almost 4pm so they’re still at work and won’t be back for another hour at least. 

It takes a deep breath for me to close the front door and joining them in the kitchen, my mum holding a photo of Joel, me, Tommy and Joel’s two daughters out in town for the night. It’s one of my favourite photos and she can tell how much it means to me by the way she puts it back down a little too far to the edge of the counter, watching it fall to the floor with a shattering of glass. Silently, I grab my dustpan and brush, sweeping up the glass and putting the broken frame in the drawer so Joel can fix it for me another time. 

“Tea or coffee?” I ask my sorry excuse of parents as I put the kettle on, grabbing three mugs and pouring coffee and sugar into one of them for myself and tea bags into the other two. I don’t know why I asked when I know they’re going to guilt trip me about forgetting or something so I just wait for my mum’s voice.

“Why would we have anything other than tea?” Dad booms instead, voice making me flinch a little, “Have you really forgotten that much about us in the five years since you’ve been gone?” 

“A lot of things happen in five years,” I reply flatly putting the mugs in front of them and staying standing by the counter with my coffee. I refuse to put myself in a position to get trapped by them, knowing from past experiences of having plates thrown at me for making their food slightly wrong. Somehow, I barely flinch when my dad’s mug smashes against the wall behind me, tea sliding down and staining the white surface. 

“You think you can just up and leave?” He stands, anger in his tone as he tries to rile me up and I’m putting my mug down, grabbing my keys and slipping them into my back pocket. I manoeuvre myself away from the wall so I can make a quick exit if things get heated which they no doubt will. Both of the people sat in my kitchen having violent natures and will give into them eventually, the niceness facade dropping, “You think you can just start your own family and not let us see our grandkids?” 

The picture of me and the Millers. They think Sarah and Ellie are mine? Where the fuck is the logic in that? Both girls are sixteen and fifteen respectively, so no way are they biologically mine which means these strangers have no claim to them. I would fight them tooth and nail if they had grandparent rights anyway, years worth of evidence of the abuse in the way of scars and therapy sessions on my side. They can’t do anything towards the Millers and I wouldn’t let them if they tried, “They’re not my family, they’re my friends.” I lie, it hurts but it’s better than getting them involved in this fight. 

“Really?” Mum speaks this time, the card from Ellie in her hand, “Says here you’re their mum. Which means they’re our grandkids.” She snaps putting the card back down and knocking her cup of tea all over it, a lump in my throat as I want to cry and fall to my knees in submission but Joel and Tommy have taught me to stand up for myself over the years so that’s what I’m going to do instead. 

“I think you two should leave,” I tell them, head up and steeling them with a hard look. It takes them aback so I seize the opportunity to carry on, “You have overstayed your welcome and I have things to be doing this evening” 

“How dare you speak to us like that?” Dad snaps, his anger bubbling to the surface as he knocks over the table, shattering everything on it but I hold firm, walking to the front door and opening it. My heart and confidence soars when I see the familiar pick up truck pulling into the driveway with Joel and Tommy bickering in the front seats, “We are your parents!” 

They stalk after me so I step outside, seeing their land rover parked in my driveway and they follow me out, both steaming from the ears and red in the face as I say, “Thank you for visiting, have a safe trip home and don’t visit me again.” 

“You spiteful little bitch!” There’s a sharp sting across my cheek, car doors slamming and suddenly two large and familiar hands are on my waist, chest against my back and breath ghosting my neck as he pulls me away from my mum. Tommy standing to the left of me as mum spits out, “We are your parents, we raised you and this is how you repay us?” 

It’s like something snaps in me, having Joel and Tommy here to protect me if they get physical again so I say what I’ve been bottling up since I left, breaking away from Joel’s safe grip, “You didn’t raise us! Elliott and Charlotte did that! What you did was beat on us until you got bored, why do you think I left? It wasn’t to be spiteful or abandon my siblings! It was because you beat my twin brother nearly to death and then spent that night laughing about it while I held his dying body in my arms! You took the one person from me that-“ 

I’m stumbling back, hands flying to my nose that is now bleeding profusely and tears are welling up in my eyes, the fist connecting to my jaw this time before there’s a flash and arms are wrapping around me while my dad is slammed into the side of his car by a very red in the face Joel. The usually soft man I’ve come to love has murder in his eyes, Dad’s hand being twisted behind his back as Joel hisses out a warning to him. 

‘Wait!” I shake Tommy off but not before squeezing his arm reassuringly, stepping back over to my parents, gently drawing Joel away from them so I can say my final piece, “I might have three children but you,” I point a finger at them, my other resting on my belly instinctively “Will never have any grandparent rights to them. If you even think about coming anywhere near Austin again I’ll call the police and have you done for murder. I should really be calling them now and telling them about Scott so you can shut your fucking mouths and get in your car and never come back!” 

There’s a stunned silence before they’re shuffling to their car and climbing in, not another word spoken to any of us and I stay where I am until I see them disappear around the corner then Joel’s hand is on my shoulder. His honey eyes are wide and voice shaky when he asks, “Three?” Glancing down to my hand on my belly before meeting my gaze again. I’m swallowing thickly before nodding, not knowing how he’ll react as it’s only been two and a half years since we started dating but Joel’s sweeping me off my feet into a hug. Tommy joins in, hugging us both and there’s tears and laughter, as if the last hour hadn’t happened.

“I guess we should tell the girls that they’re gonna have a sister.” Joel steps back holding me at arms length, face contorting from love and happiness to concern and pain when realises my nose is still bleeding, “I think we should clean you up first.”

“Who says it’ll be a sister.” I tease, having a strong feeling it’s gonna be a boy, and knowing that everything will be okay. I made my own family here in Austin that I wouldn’t change the world for and that’s all I need. 

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[toprayarc]

something that's incredibly important to me is how capable mari is as a person. not in the sense of her skillset, but more so her capabilities in human to human connection, compassion, and care. while she can be intensely cold, cruel, and ruthless, there is a piece of her inside that is waiting for the opportunity and safety to express itself. and that piece is soft, tender, empathetic, and wildly loyal— it's a piece of her that was taken advantage of, abused, and horribly betrayed, time and time again. when we learn, as people, that it is no longer safe to be certain aspects of ourselves, those aspects get hidden away and shoved down. whether it be in larger scopes, such as hiding these big pieces of who we are as people, or whether it be in the smaller sense, and we simply hide our mouth when we smile, our experiences shape us. when mari is given a safe environment to be able to express that, and feel comfortable in letting that piece of her grow, you often see these very vulnerable states that show just how stunted mari was in her growth. she was never given an opportunity to grow up and let those pieces of her shine, and simply hid them away to invest into these hardened, rough, and mean exteriors. while mari is capable of being the most untrustworthy person around, and holds a disconnect on not seeing people as people, she simultaneously can be the person you should trust the most in your life. she's devoted, loyal, and would go to any length for those she cares for. she's capable of being incredibly empathetic, wildly supportive, and intensely loving. but to see those pieces of her means you have to allow them to understand that it is safe to come out, so to speak. once you begin to invest into those sides of mari, the more they can develop, grow, and come to the forefront.

one of the most significant things about the breaking bad verse i'm using for my default verse is that it is a recovery narrative. mari has someone (jesse/@tocook) invest into her, devote time and effort and empathy to her, and helps cultivate a safe environment for her. with time, and plenty of bumps in the road, it means that she is able to recognize things about herself, accept things about herself, and stop fighting so hard to become someone she really isn't. she's still mean in her own ways, disrespectful, and generally kind of a menace, but the important piece of the puzzle here is that she is given a space to grow. this isn't a love heals all narrative, but it surely is a thinkpiece on how we, as people, are driven by other people and can often learn to accept ourselves through recognition and understanding. mari goes from being a hired gun, refusing herself any friends or company and drowning in her solitude, all the way to finding a new life and learning how to invest into herself in a real way. she becomes a jujitsu teacher for children, she eventually puts down the knife, and while she still surely struggles with plenty of things and does not have access to the healthcare that would fully help her heal (as she still does struggle, because again— this is not a love heals all narrative) she's able to figure out who she is as a person, and not a weapon, or a chess piece, or an asset. those neglected, stunted pieces of her are able to shine. she is able to grow up.

[southeastasianists]

Kantina Matak, the vibrant presidential cafe serving up 500 free meals a day to neighbourhood kids in Timor Leste’s capital, Dili, is characteristically lively when I sit down for lunch with Bella Galhos. It is a liveliness matched by Galhos, 51 and with an aura that draws you in.

Only three when Indonesia invaded, Galhos was exposed to the violence of the military from an early age, and it was in her teenage years she situated this violence in its broader political context — leading her down a path of activism. A survivor of the Santa Cruz massacre in November 1991, she hatched a plan of escape, and via an exchange program in Canada she relocated — beginning a tireless five-year solidarity building campaign.

In Canada, Bella’s personal experiences served as a testimony emblematic of life under Indonesian occupation in Timor-Leste. A compelling and charismatic speaker, she became a potent symbol within and of the international solidarity movement, connecting and inspiring a wide network.

Amongst her initiatives since returning in 1999, following independence, are the Leubrora Green School in Maubisse that teaches children sustainable agricultural practices and good nutrition, a women’s cooperative farming group and flower garden, and the Kantina Matak where we are sitting, employing and serving as a safe space for LGBT community members. She is serving her second term as presidential advisor, this time to Jose Ramos Horta — a role she loves, and describes as “a bridge between the people and the president”.

Her organisation Arcoiris (Rainbow) Timor-Leste offers shelter for members suffering violent situations, a place that “stands and defends the rights of the LGBT community in Timor-Leste”.

“Not only do they need the shelter, but also they want to feel secure. So, whenever they come to my compound, they feel secure. By giving the people a chance, opportunity and resources without looking at who they are.”

With first-hand experience, Bella is well-situated for this work; “one of my struggles was recognising who I am”.

“When I came out it was a process of being vilified over and over again, falling down on my knees … I was meant to be a minister in the government but because of my sexual orientation I was removed. My own family, my own brothers have tried to kill me … but it hasn’t stopped me.

“Young LGBT that I help care for are struggling to be accepted, loved, cared, protected, or invested in by their own family …They experience hardship, physical abuses, sexual abuses, abandonment, they drop out from school because they cannot handle the bullies, not only by their classmates, but also by their teachers who are not understanding and have no background whatsoever or no knowledge of what LGBT is. I think people really justify their homophobia and action against LGBT people by coming out with their own theory saying: Why you turn yourself to be this? Why can’t you just be a normal woman? Why can’t you just be a normal man? Why are you against God's will?”

Bella identifies the Catholic Church as a powerful institution perpetuating patriarchal ideals, and she makes a point of their hypocrisy.

“Why can’t we talk about priests who abuse children in convents, or uncles, fathers and brothers who ruin their own family? Instead you choose to talk about LGBT.”

In a country that is 98% Catholic, where churches dot the hills and priests hold prominent sway, being an LGBT activist is hard. “I risk a lot for saying what I say and doing what I do. But I always believe that a struggle, any struggle, whatever it is, whatever time it is or where it is, somebody needs to start it.

“Being an activist is a privilege, and it is my responsibility of speaking out for others.”

Inevitably, this has drawn the ire of the church, Bella tells me. “One time there was a huge public letter coming out from the Church about me because they know I was the one that was the voice of dissent. They claimed [in the letter] that [they] supported the LGBT community, [and] are only against [people choosing their] sexual orientation.”

There is a challenge in the tension; both staunch public activist and sensitive individual, caring deeply about others.

“The way people look at you, [you] already know that you do not belong there … I am always ready to be crushed and screened out … I fight my way forward even though sometimes it’s hard.”

Laughter comes easy around Bella, and her answers are splashed with colourful anecdotes and allegories. Asked what progress has been made 24 years on from the vote for independence, she likens the government to getting ready for a party where “you don't know which clothes to put on first. If you want to put your pants on first or your underwear. So I think that's what we need to be putting in place, things in sequences, you know, we should not go to the sky first, start with the earth.

“We cannot keep on using the excuse ‘new country’ as a way of saying it's okay to make mistakes … We cannot keep running the country by just turning on our Petroleum Fund. That is for me very worrying.”

“More than 20 years putting money into all these key sectors but we have not seen the results, we need to see the result and if the result is not seen it means that we are wrong in how we are investing it … we are already getting at least two or three generations that almost have no future to hold on to and most of them are already taking off and the younger ones are also hoping to get out and that's not a good sense of staying in the country to feel and to see what is going on here.”

The valorisation of veterans in a country where resistance leaders are constitutionally enshrined as “national heroes” often comes at the cost of everyday people in the sharing of power.

“Today we are still talking about veterans, all about veterans. Basically the country's owned by the veterans and the veterans are putting all the money into the older people and we forgot to bring money to the younger people, the future of the country, the future leaders of the country, and that’s worrying.”

It’s a dynamic that means the same faces have been in power since independence, and Bella references corruption as a feature of this ruling elite. Timor-Leste rated, in 2022, as having the highest hunger and malnutrition in Southeast Asia, according the global hunger index — a statistic that sits oddly with the US$19 billion sitting in Timor’s Petroleum Fund.

“Development is going at a snail’s pace because the government is too busy distributing power among people who actually don’t have the ability to work or serve the public. These people claim, ‘I did this, I did that, I lost my family, I was with you, I suffered the most, so I deserve to be a minister.’ It’s still like that.

“We are still pleasing each other by providing each other jobs — you know, to make people happy, make followers happy. And the majority of people are suffering because this is not what they were promised when campaigning is taking place.”

Bella believes a possible pathway forward would allow the mixing of “the younger generation into the process of developing the country”.

“Over 60% [of the population] is young. They should be prioritised. They should be dignified. By giving them space, their voice should be heard, should be counted.”

This sort of people-driven participatory philosophy underpins Bella’s outlook: “The priority, the centre of all development should be people, people, people and people means you don't see the classes that you don't see the categories; it’s the people. And first you have to get them involved, not just use them when you need the vote but [so that] their voices can actually be heard and counted in the program.”

What next for Bella? Energetic, with a life loaded with experiences, maybe a presidential run? “Winning or not, I don’t care. I just want to challenge the norms.”

[chiveburger]

this last week leading up the chinese new years has been such a crazy whirlwind of emotions... I made a post maybe on tuesday? saying that I was starting to feel very burnt out at work and I went into that day dreading every second. I got to work and I started crying, and mind you I've been in some abusive workplaces and I have never once cried at work. anytime someone asked me if I was okay, I couldn't control my emotions and I started sobbing. It was so hard, and I came to the conclusion that I'm really struggling to work with my manager. especially in regards to her micromanaging, and inserting herself into tasks that the staff are doing, and creating this suffocating energy whenever I work with her.

I've never once felt that out of control so come wednesday I told her I had to speak with her one to one. I sat down with her, and basically cleared the air about how her management style is killing me. how it's making me doubtful of my own work, and how there are things I want to be changed not even just about her but about how our company is ran... I know this seems real self destructive to some people but holy shit I am so glad 1) I had the guts to put myself in this vulnerable position and 2) was able to hold it together during the entire conversation. my intention going into that meeting wasn't to hurt her feelings, it wasn't to break her spirit and I am not and cannot expect her to change her personality and work ethics overnight. I don't want her to stop working here because of this, but I know if I want to continue working here (and for the meantime I do) I can't sweep this under the carpet and suffer and bottle everything up until I experience another panic attack in public.

ever since that talk, which was only a couple days ago, the following days where we have to work together has been yes, a little awkward, but I can feel her putting in the effort not to overstep my boundaries. she doesn't interrupt me, she doesn't have input on how I interact with patients and with regular office duties. which I really appreciate and shows me that this is a sign of them giving a shit about my feelings. everyone I talked to regarding this situation has been like "wow I could never have done that" and the fact of the matter is it's not just me. I'm not someone who likes being confrontational, and I'm not someone who always wishes to speak on my feelings. If I didn't care about my job, about my manager, and if I didn't feel like change could occur I wouldn't even consider talking to her. If I didn't feel comfortable to open up to her I wouldn't have. on my part it did take a lot of courage to do that but similarly, if the other side didn't reciprocate some form of energy that made me WANT to do it I would've just handed in my resignation.

long story short, I felt negative emotions so strong that I couldn't swallow them up any longer and they physically came out even before I realized I was in pain. I don't expect everything at work to be perfect or to have changed to my liking by tomorrow. what I am hoping is that there's a step in the direction of change and I'd like to think by acting on my feelings I've made my life better.