#REMEMBER WHAT WE WERE UP AGAINST
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I...have no words right now.





Linda Tirado has been in St. Louis over the past few days, observing and participating in the protests, and the fact that we have this kind of boots-on-the-ground viewpoint is nothing short of phenomenal.
#the years SUCK#i#she's not gonna be okay#she got shot in the eye by a cop years ago and she's not gonna be okay#linda tirado#remember her#that's not a question that's an imperative#she's far more of an American Hero than the uniformed piece of cowardly slime who shot her#while she was doing her job#YOU REMEMBER WHAT WE WERE DEALING WITH#YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT IT COST HER#WHAT IT COST HER KIDS#HER CHILDREN#HER BODY#SHE WAS THE BEST PERSON#SHE DID NOTHING BUT HELP PEOPLE#REMEMBER WHAT WE WERE UP AGAINST#AND WHAT WE ARE GOING TO BE UP AGAINST#there are going to be more blinded moms#more journalists left to die a slow death#while policemen get pensions#guys#understand okay?#you help your neighbors#you get to know them#you make things for them#and you teach#okay??? you teach#you pass on what you know and you teach#you....
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my little sister is honestly the most violent lil shit i've ever met and personally i will not handle her without the safety of oven mittens but like tell me why whenever she gets vulnerable and actually admits she cares abt i just burst into tears
#we don't have much of an age gap but we used to live a shitty home life and so i pretty much had to raise her#its always been us against the world#and now she's all big now and an adult#got her own girlfriend and she's going to get an apartment soon and im just so emotional#like when did my baby grow up so quickly#just remembering how when we were still so young and she always did what i do and thats why she got into art#and im bawling on the ground#im so sorry yalls its the period my period is acting up#dean rambles
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Me, fighting tooth and nail against my irl friends who are sw*fties: yeah well, maybe I want my sad girl music to have a 3 minute guitar solo and distorted audio after the second verse of vaguely gay lyrics have you considered that ?!
#admit it if pete wentz's lyrics were sung by some white woman to plain ass slow piano music with max 3 cords yall would eat that shit up#but heaven forbid it be layered and/or vocally/musically compelling with a decibel count over 65.2#or not sung by a climate criminal trying to sound emotional or weepy but actually sounds constipated 💀#icarus' random screaming#icarus' burning life stories#anti taylor swift#im probably slicing my palm open for a demonic ritual in shark infested waters by doing this but oh well#pete wentz#fall out boy#icarus falls out#not even just fall out boy. I'll put on the tamest led zepplin or rage against song i can find and they look at me like 😶😣😖😨😰😱😵#i put on eat your young they ASK then i try explain the critique of war profiteering/capitalism and theyre like silly ***** readin too deep#LIKE YOU ASKED. I KEPT IT SO SIMPLE. YOUR FELLOW SWIFTIES LOVE THIS SHIT WTF#im scared to try and bring up mitski (esp. working for the knife/best american girl) lest i kill my own friends#like they're not insane conspiracy swifities and i love them dearly but they're fundamentally tiktok youth gen z and im... not :/#and im fine with it we joke and laugh about it and poke fun at each other for it but sometimes i feel so alienated#not on purpose. not by them. but i look at em and they look like test tube babies (not mean).#they look to me like what ginny & georgia looks like to them. too polished too stylised too... Just So#sometimes they look like the same lifeless tiktok copy and pasted and it scares me#im trying to remember that post about how tiktok thirst traps and general posts are so set up and stilted they look sexless#and robotic#anyway#the generational gap between me and my fellow teens/young adults 💀💀💀
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also like. man. i liked it when characters in this show had scenes dedicated to them and their lives and not how they related to shauna shipman
#im mostly thinking about simone and sammy tbh. what a dropped ball#i joke about misty being the moral core in lieu of nat but truly we had someone right there who was a contrast to the YJs#and like. is a good parent LOL. did the right thing for her child. shows up literally once this season#while the woman she’s legally married to is off gallivanting somewhere#kind of wish we got to see how she’s like. doing. if my wife crashed our car then cheated on me#while i was in a coma in the hospital#i’m flipping my shit in ways never before seen.#the devolution of tai’s family life was a good contrast to the other three teammates we focused on initially!#I think it would make sense to bring at least some of it back especially with dark/main taissa’s struggles for control#but all of that would require the writers to remember she did in fact have a life before van in the adult TL#(this is not me being against taivan. LOVE taivan. but there’s a lot to chew on with the loose threads of everything from the first season#that’s just completely ignored even when it could be plot/character relevant)#also like. they were totally setting up quasi supernatural stuff with sammy in s1#again. what a great parallel and through line to the stuff with callie. can they break the cycle? are their children as doomed as they are?
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my brain rewarded me for working hard, last night I had a dream about aki sex ❤️
#thank you brain. I am thankful#kinda struggling to remember the bits and pieces#I remember that first I had a dream I was at work and had to clean#but then my dream flashed to me with aki#I'm pretty sure we did something together before the seggs??? but I don't remember that part at all??????#there were more important things to remember ok#we were in my room and in my bed under the covers#and he was behind me and holding me tight like spooning yknow#I also specifically remember his hair was still in topknot mode lolol#we were both nakey and it felt really real cause I could feel him against me...#I felt his chest rising and falling on my back and his heart pounding hard#and I could hear like... his breathing in my ear.... and the plap plap sound everytime he...... HRK#my eye is twitching rn......#he reached around and grabbed my hand and held it tight#I remember him dirty talking a lot but it's hard to remember what he said#at one point I was like 'right there' and he was like 'yeah? right here?' and it was so hot hnnnnnnbgggggggg#last thing I remember is him telling me he wasn't gonna pull out#then I woke up like a zombie#you know when you feel yourself waking up and you know you are but it's a good dream so you don't want to and you have to fight ittttt#aki. I want. you
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oh also in other news. i finally finished leviathan the other day
#el plays kotor#feeling talkative right when the dash is messed up again. whatever. this is one way to put off playing skyrim#im so worried for bastila rn... please come back to me queen we gotta make up im sorry i called u as bad as the sith... i was upset...#her fate is one of the few things i've somehow managed to avoid spoilers for!!! so dont tell me what happens i gotta keep the suspense#also some of the companions' reactions to the reveal r so funny like...#mission basically said 'well if you don't remember being revan then it's ok :)' huh??????#i love how supportive she is but. millions died bc of liah. something to consider. you can be a little horrified and angry its ok#and like carth is the only one who's understandably angry at revan bc to him it's more personal#but even he sounds too chill. i think its partly bc of the voice acting. everyone speaks with the same even tone no matter the situation#and i almost laughed when canderous was like 'well actually it was malak who ordered the attack on ur homeworld carth#so revan is blameless in this' bro liah was literally the sith ceo you cant claim she had no part in this.....#and like idk it felt weird for canderous of all companions to comment on that#i feel like. he wouldnt care who is guilty of what. he just wants revan to lead him to epic battles he thinks warfare is awesome#i also feel like it was a feeble attempt from the game to make u feel less bad abt it#but thats not how it works game. because. revan was at the top of the chain of command. therefore. responsible for everything.#like!!! idk the writing in this game is so..... juvenile sometimes.......#yknow how some ppl talk abt the superior writing in old bioware games???? part of it has to be simple nostalgia#like they played the game when they were 10 and at that time it was the best thing ever#and they haven't revisited it at an older age with developed thinking skills#and im not saying the writing is dogshit! its just really goofy at certain parts! but really strong at others!! overall the game slaps!!!#but im just saying. u gotta see beyond just the nostalgia if ur gonna compare old and current bw#but idk ! anyway what else. the fight against malak was cool... with the red lighting in the corridor and everything...#he kept running away too... perhaps deep down he still fears his old master 😌#no but like if he hadn't been scripted to survive that fight i would've won. i was beating his ass#tho maybe it was just meant to be easy so that i would feel overconfident going into the final battle. who knows
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1 day no whining about that guy i didnt even date
#chatty catty#everythnig reminds me of him (talked to him today bc we're friends and that's what friends do. talk.)#yet another consequence of me being antisocial. he makes up 50% of my irl friends so of course i keep Remembering#looks around... remembering when we were at prom and his friend didn't want to dance so we danced and he kept spinning into me#and leaning against me and laughing and holding my hands and..... either i told him he smelled good or he told me but either way. god.#And the friend who wouldn't dance in question was his crush at the time.......#if i had a nickel for everytime i filled the role of this guys bf/crush id have 2 nickels which isn't a lot but it's weird it happened twic#Sorry im t4t gay and only know 1 other transgender in real life. the curse. the curse.#i dont want him anymore i just want what he gave me. romantic physical affection please please please please please save me
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i haven’t really been sleeping, had my first full night sleep last night and i have one continuous dream where i’m with aaron hotchner

#i know spencer was there at the start and if i can remember exactly what they said to me- id write it into a fic cause it was GOOD#i know hotch said something about me being obedient ANYWAY#we were at a party or something and hotch got a little hammered and he was such a pest but i didn’t mind#he was so flirtatious oh my god and i was chatting my friends at one point and he came up and was pressing against my side and it was NURS#NUTS it was nuts ignore that im not retyping all that#anyway!
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currently clinging to a thread by remembering the dream I had about Zack last night
#if he can't get me through this no one can#i don't even remember what the dream was about but at one point we were sitting squished up against each other in the back of a car#disheveled and minorly injured and just kind of staring into nothing#but he was so warm and solid and it felt so real#i was this close to zack hug greatness but I'll take what i can get#pl: together as one
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still heartbroken but cannot move
#i've understood a good while ago that kurdish people are alone in their suffering more than any other muslim people#i suppose bc our biggest oppressor being turkey which is such a beloved country among muslims just erases our struggle#bc any other oppressed muslim people i can think of are suffering either in the hands of non muslim nations or their own corrupt governments#so it gives them a lot more ''credibility''. like there are rules to oppression with credentials you have to meet in order to be valid#in order for your oppression your persecution the distruction of you home(land) the cultural genocide you experience to be valid and real#and cared about by the general muslim population. i have honestly and genuinely not seen any more silence than when it was about us#from the muslim community. i have to time and time again watch how people side with turkey praise their actions eat up their propaganda#and the lost lives arent lost lives but we're lying about them#and no matter how often this pattern is repeated and our very real suffering invalidated and thus ignored#it still shatters my heart an unspeakable amount when i witness it#especially when i then watch the muslim community condemn other nations for the same crimes turkey commits against the kurdish people#turkey does no wrong is the common narrative. and i always feel so lonely in my grief#i still remember october 2019 when trump withdrew the troops from rojava & gave turkey the green light to invade#they inflicted and still inflict immerusable suffering in the region. they bombed them only last week#i remember 4 years ago my mom on the phone with a friend who had fled from the region due to the syrian war#i remember her silently crying on the phone with my mom. she was on speaker. we cried with her#she was as helpless as we were just watching the news about turkey wreaking havoc. she still had family there#and this is just the smallest fraction of what turkey and inflicted upon the kurdish people. but of course it's all fake. we fabricate it#bc we're bored. our tears are fake our families getting bombed are lying. and turkey can do no wrong.#nesi rants
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Birth by Sleep is actually the best game because you get to beat the shit out of Peter Pan
This is the funniest thing I could have learned about the game honestly. Here I am reeling in laughter bc the characters from TWEWY look so weird with 3D models, and I find out that I get to look forward to Peter Pan getting beaten up by Sora and Riku. Comedy gold.
#I have nothing for or against Peter Pan but I can't actually...see the character normally anymore#bc in this one class I took we got split into groups and each group was assigned a book to read and report on#and one of the groups read the book discussing how the story of Peter Pan was actually about fraternities#and how frat boys didn't want to grow up and become real men or something#I can't even remember the name of the book bc my group's book was about bones of stone-age people and what sort of work they were doing#(this was an archaeology of gender class and I swear these two very different topics made sense in the class)#so anyhow now I see Peter Pan and I'm like as yes the frat boy allegory#(also I may not be to this part in the game yet but don't feel bad about spoiling me bc I've spoiled myself for a lot of KH stuff already)#unsuspecting-person#I still don't have an ask tag
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A Crash Course to Kendrick's Super Bowl Performance, from a Black Woman
Note: this does NOT go in depth into all of the song's lyrics. I don't have time to recount two decades of his discography. This is just a summary of the performance itself.
Let's start with the first visual we get:
UNCLE SAM - most notably recognized from WWII American wartime propaganda, Uncle Sam is the personification of American patriotism and freedom. The term "uncle" is also evocative of Uncle Tom from Uncle Tom's Cabin, an abolitionist book that aided in inciting the Civil War. Uncle is also a very common term (both endearment and derogatory) towards Black men (eg. "unc"). Samuel L Jackson was fantastic. (Edit: and please look up his history of civil rights activism, he was on the FBI watchlist and even a pallbearer at MLKJr’s funeral.)
Uncle Sam also resembles a circus ringleader, notable for my next point:
THE GREAT AMERICAN GAME - no, not Super Bowl. The GAG is us the people being pitted against each other: through late-stage capitalism, through the culture war, through class warfare, through being built of the backs of slaves. We are all players in the GAG because none of us on this site were the oligarchs seated at the inauguration.
This is also seen as Kendrick's stage was a Play Station controller. Not only did it remind of circus rings visually, but it was a game battle stage. The Great American Game is a battle royale of the commoners for the amusement of the rich whites.
Remember the foods / Them color was tin and brown / But now they 100 and blue - For this I'll just say, look what the last election said about lowering the price of eggs... and look at the prices now.
The revolution about to be televised / You picked the right time / But the wrong guy - Election 2024 once more. *Edit to add, the first part of this lyric is in reference to the Black Liberation Song "The Revolution Will Not Be Televised" by Gil Scott-Heron. Thanks to everyone who mentioned that.
THE FLAG DANCERS - yes, the dancers formed the US flag... off of the backs of Black people. Not a single white person in sight, and that's true of the cotton pickers in the fields. Plantations are part of how the US came to economic prominence after being a "backwater" colony. Remember tobacco? Cotton? Our bloodlines do. *Edit to add: they also all piled out of a clown car. The US flag in a clown car? Brilliant.
The red and blue dancers are also notable for representing the Crips and Bloods, two infamous street gangs. The dance in Not Like Us is the Crip Walk. I recommend researching more on your own time about them, but just know they are a large part of the stereotype of Black people being "ghetto."
TOO LOUD, TOO RECKLESS, TOO GHETTO. Do you really know how to play the game? - This is exactly what Black people, especially Black men, get told all the time. It's why we change our names on resumes if they sound "too Black." It's why we codeswitch in non-Black company. This is especially rich considering how non-Black people love our culture and love to make money off of us, as the latter part of the quote points to. And it's even more profound during the Super Bowl-- the NFL is majority Black players.
STREET LIGHT A CAPELLA -- "thug" stereotype dancers to counteract the a capella connotations, with Uncle Sam then saying that Kendrick figured out "bringing other street guys around being a culture cheat code." Yes, this is a direct hit at Drake (listen to "Not Like Us") but also politically. Look up "model minority". Notably I would point to Candace Owens, or the Miami Venezuelan political group that's been in the news recently, especially as this directly led to Kendrick being surrounded by...
DANCERS IN WHITE -- it's white America. That's... that's the allegory.
NOT LIKE US TEASER -- Kendrick says "Not Like Us" is "their favorite song." -> he means white people specifically here. It comes after he's surrounded by all white dancers, the women around him who are his call and response are also in white (my opinion, they represent the industry). He's saying "Not Like Us" is the favorite of yts because it is about BLACK MEN FIGHTING. This again is reflected in the video game stage and ringleader Uncle Sam.
SZA -- instead of giving what they want, we see SZA. She's one of Drake's exes and Kendrick has always supported her.
ALL THE STARS -- This was in the first Black Panther movie, which I recommend you watch. Rest in Power Chadwick. Notably, this movie was incredibly mainstream as a major Marvel movie, and then we have Uncle Sam say...
"THAT'S WHAT AMERICA WANTS: NICE AND CALM. DON'T MESS THIS UP" -- translation: Marvel (the industry, America, etc.) wanted a safe, semi-pop song because white American likes safe pop songs, not Kendrick's usual heavy rap style about his life as a Black man! Don't mess up what you've got going mainstream for having this "Black rap feud" with Drake, who is an R&B model minority to white people because he's safe.
So what does Kendrick say?
IT'S A CULTURAL DIVIDE / IMMA GET IT ON THE FLOOR -- He was warned not to be political or apologetically Black for this Super Bowl performance, but he is using this big stage opportunity to speak out.
40 ACRES AND A MULE / THIS IS BIGGER THAN THE MUSIC -- 40 acres and a mule are what the freed slaves were promised. Instead, this land went to white sharecroppers. Research Jim Crow laws.
THEY TRIED TO RIG THE GAME / BUT YOU CAN'T FAKE INFLUENCE -- rig the election, rig the industry like with model minority Drake, rig the Great American Game with culture war to distract from active class warfare.
NOT LIKE US -- the only thing I'll mention because it made me holler is Serena Williams crip walking on Drake's metaphorical grave. She's another one of his exes (read: Drake harassed the hell out of her). *Edit: she was also fined at the 2012 Olympics for crip walking in celebration at Wimbledon.
TURN THE TV OFF -- exactly like he said! The TV is a distraction, the Super Bowl is a distraction, the mainstream news is often a distraction. Turn it off and get with your people!
GAME OVER — could not see this on my stream but at the end of the performance, the lights in the stadium spelled this out. The world is watching, America…
In conclusion, Kendrick Lamar is a visionary and thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
#kendrick lamar#super bowl#immigration#tea time with hawk#samuel l jackson#mcu#sza#kdot#not like us#black history month
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15 years ago I was 11 and playing Heart Gold

#was watching some no commentary let's plays and there's so much i forgot about in the game#i've been so nostalgic for the game lately and randomly decided to look up when it released bc i couldn't remember#and it was 15 years ago!!!#we pre-ordered it and got it right on release day and we got the pre-order exclusive ho-oh and luigi figures#my brother got soul silver#auughhhhhh that was a nice time#i wonder what part in the game i was at this time 15 years ago#i remember bugsy giving me a hard time bc i had no pokemon types that were strong against his#and my brother had to transfer me one of his flying types lmao#i put in my cartridge the other day and just stared at my pokemon and badges and walked around different towns#also on certain days you can go battle silver at the indigo plateau even post-game so i did that :)#i wanna replay it so bad but i'm not giving up my save file and a new copy is expensiveeee#and i hate the idea of playing it on my phone through an emulator#maybe i'd do it on my pc though#my posts#*LUGIA FIGURE NOT LUIGI
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my friends are buying homes and my biggest accomplishment this year is finding a bench that I can kneel on to wash dishes. which otherwise would have taken days or weeks with a lot of breaks snchahdjajxk
#not jjk#it just feels so#like what am I worth? what can I contribute?#even laying down since I woke up today just that passing out lightheaded nausea shit is back and I'm#like oh OK!! guess a good week is too much to ask for#I just want to fucking akfnaucjajxm UGHHHHH I want to do better than this#but also the way I had pots my whole life?? at least since I was 6 or 7 I remember putting out hands together in elementary school and mine#would often be purple and look weird and I was always insecure about it and didn't know why#I was so afraid of being noticeably inhuman#for other reasons but this did not help my paranoia#OH AND!!! I was always missing recess (which would have helped against the blood pooling) to take stupid fucking tests#skipping grades and whatever the fuck like#but they didn't tell me what the tests were for. which is!!! not good for anxiety#Anyway chat what is it like to not be in constant chest pain lmfaooooo#everything about me makes sense now and even tho my family worked w disabled people when I was a child I was not allowed to be so. here we#are. worthless adult time. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry
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Even when I thought we had boundary of just friends, she confuses me.
I tell myself to ignore it. That it's just a game for her and that she really is just comfortable with me as a friend.
But we all went out Sunday night (you, me & Sam). You asked us again if Sam & I were still "not a thing." We both told you the truth (for like the 10th time): we're not a thing. There's no sort of situationship or anything like that. We're just friends.
**((also I fucked up one of my tags I meant to say that Alice told buddy boy that I threatened to kill *him* again, not that I threatened to kill her. He sounded really serious when he said "i promise v, im leaps and bounds better than anyone shes had before. I would never hurt her." I said "Oh, im sure. Its because thats who you are Ty. Thats what you and I do. We protect people." I'll be so honest yall i was crossfaded as fuck because i was running iff 3 hours sleep & literally no food almost the whole day leading up to our outing. NOT doing that again jfc))**
#when leaving that bar to head to another one you were in my driver's seat & i was in the front passenger since i was too drunk to drive#the foam rose you tentatively pinned to my vest valentine's night was pinned to my visor directly above your head#did you notice it? is that why you did what you did next? i was packing my tiny bowl & you said it was cute#i said ''thanks! courtesy of my ex lol'' & as i was talking you were saying something else. but as soon as we both stopped#you said ''i love you'' with a wide sweet smile took the sides of my head in either of your hands & kissed my cheek#i dont know what you said right before the ily & idk why you kissed my face especially with sammy in my back seat?#then at the 2nd bar not only did you insist that i take the jacket off your back because i was cold & dreaded getting my coat from the car#but you also (for the 2nd time very recently) implied that i enjoy impact play (which i do but thats none of your business missy)#and why would you even throw that assumption out there? its happened a couple times recently & you also said on speaker at work last week-#that i love it when you & sam are mean to me. yeah i do enjoy it to a degree but again what are you trying to get out of me?#what info are you rooting for? what are you wondering about me & why? not to mention the other three main things you did that night.#at the 2nd bar i went to the rest room. you were coming in just after i washed my hands & saw me trying to put on my gold chain necklace#from inside the stall you asked if i needed help. i said nah i got it. you said if i didnt have it on by the time you were done youd do it#i said if you insist & probably shouldnt have but i stopped trying to put it on (i definitely couldve gotten it myself)#you came out washed your hands & asked if i was trying to shorten the chain. i said yes & id like it on the 5th or 6th large link please#you confirmed ''kinda like a choker?'' & tugged it ever so firmly but also gently against my throat as you clasped it on the 6th large link#which that can be written off as you being a homie & just struggling to quickly get it cause your nails are in the way & youre also drunk#but then when we were all sitting in your car after buddy boy came to get us & get food we were talking about how you train new hires#i said ''my love you cant train people like theyre dogs'' & you immediately shot me back a look out of the corner of your eye#then you turned forward & if i remember correctly you said ''i beg to differ'' or something along those lines exCUSE ME?????#then i was complaining about ''all the femmes in my life (you & sam) are always so mean to me''#you very happily & proudly announced to your boytoy that i admitted that i enjoy being hit#i then argued that i never admitted to anything but was simply accused. you & sam said that my silence was admission enough#i countered that i stayed silent because i wasnt going to say a word on it without my lawyer present#you said i couldnt afford a lawyer & i laughed saying ''exactly & thats why i wont speak on it''#but you & sammy kept egging me on so my drunk ass said ok maybe i do a little but who doesnt enjoy getting a little rough every now & again#the topic ended up changing shortly after that#you also smirked as you told buddy boy that i threatened to kill you again that night#i corrected that i didnt establish a new threat just renewed the old promise & that i was mildly serious since i dont have much to lose lol#heyitslapis rambles
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i did wrestling in middle school. on one hand, i was actually quite good at it, which was nice. being good at any sport was a new achievement for me. on the other hand, i was bi, and i was trying very hard not to notice that i was bi, and getting folded into knots by very kind, very muscular dorks made that task somewhat difficult.
adding fire to the problem was that my parents and my grandparents wanted to watch my matches, because they were very proud that their Gangly Nerd Son was actually Sporting, and they wanted to cheer me on. which would've been sweet and all, but if there are four people you do not want there during a key part of your Burgeoning Sexual Awakening, it is your mom and your dad and your grandma and your grandpa.
right? i mean, imagine some guy's got your head in his armpit, and you're going you know, old sweat smells bad, but fresh sweat has a sort of and then you make eye contact with your grandpa in the stands and you remember you're swearing spandex so if you pop a boner people aren't just going to be able to see the outline, they're going to be able to count the veins, and the only way you will be able to restore your family's honor after that would be by moving to siberia and renouncing joy, forever. that, or lift your entire body up by your kneck then twist 180 degrees without paralyzing yourself.
it’s a lot of pressure, is what i’m saying.
still it did motivate me to win my matches really fast. because i was so tall and skinny, i was stupidly good at the double leg takedown, and then once someone was knocked down, i'd just do the half nelson and kind of flip em over for the pin. then the ref would count to three and i’d win. EZPZ.
i had one match where that went great. won in the first ten seconds, sat back down, and prepared myself for a good hour or two of doing fuck all. didn't even feel bad the parents/grandparents were gonna be bored. the matches went up from me in 5 pound increments (i was in the 115 lbs division) and it was going great until we got to the 145 lbs division. the other school's wrestler stepped onto the mat, and she turned out to be a girl so our guy flipped, because for straight guys, wrestling a girl is not a pleasant experience.
i'm not entirely unsympathetic. my experience wrestling dudes was definitely a little traumatic. but also, i dealt. guy could've dealt too. instead, he refused to wrestle, and the coach went - fine. not even worth fighting over.
so he went to the 140 pounder, and that guy said, nosir, my mom said mormons can't wrestle girls. next guy down, 135 pounder, now he knew he could pull the same card and thus did. 130 pounder, 125, both tapped out. he got to the 120 guy, and that guy was catholic, but he said he was considering being mormon, and thus would have to pass. as a precaution.
coach blew up a little at that. he said "is there anyone - anyone - on this entire goddamn team that is willing to wrestle a girl?" and then he pointed at me and said "YOU. MAT. GO."
and i'll be real, if i'd been paying more attention, i'd have pulled the mormon card too, but i'd just been putting all that audio into a buffer file because i was reading, so i was halfway across the mat before i even processed what had been said and by then it was too late to turn back.
still i had a plan. and my plan - my beautiful, perfect plan - was to do what i'd always done. tackle, flip, pin, win. sit down. read. bore my family to death. move on.
i got the first part right. she was bigger than me, but she wasn't taller. just an incredibly stout woman. god built me like a snake with glasses, just as he built her like a combat cube. the problem was the half nelson. soon as she was down, i tried hooking my arm under hers from behind and for both genders, the defense for this move is just clamping your arms really fucking tight against your sides. if you're a guy, that's whatever, but if you're a girl - especially if you're god's chosen combat cube - that pins your opponents hand right against your boob.
so, i got the hook in, she clamped, my whole arm pressed against something soft, my coach was yelling THE HALF NELSON. BABYLON! JUST FINISH IT! FINISH THE HALF NELSON! and i was just trying to press hard enough to finish, when then my brain went
...oh.
and i flipped out. of course i flipped out. i like girls, and touching a boob is an elemental experience, and i was not ready. i was not prepared. i had not committed the sacred rites. i recoiled like i'd just brushed my arm against the surface of the sun, stood up, and backed away. nobody in the room knew why i'd given up. all they saw was me, right about to win, suddenly flailing around and scrambling. so everyone started screaming at me to just get the half nelson again, and i couldn't really yell back there's a fuckin' boob in the way and it was very distressing, and the only way i could think of to make them stop was just doing it over again the right way.
so i did.
i hunkered down and prepared myself for Wrasslin' Attempt #2: The Sequel.
i knocked her down again, EZPZ. i went for the half nelson again, but she knew what i was about to do so she super clamped, and i knew she was gonna super clamp, so i wound my arm back like a pop-eye cartoon punch before swinging my arm through the gap between her bicep and her side, but the amount of time i spent winding back super signalled what i was about to to do, which gave her time to clamp even harder, which somehow redirected the entire force of the popeye punch to the bottom of her bra.
it spat out a single boob the same way an action hero might spit out one single tooth after getting a solid crack across the jaw. as if to say:
*ptooie.* "that all you got?"
i did not actually see this. my experience was that first there was an arm, then there was a bit of boob, but i was braced, i was ready, forward at all costs, tatakae motherfuckers, and then the boob went away, and i didn't know where it went but my team, and the audience, and everyone who was in front of me, they all gasped like i just kicked them in the stomach. except for my coach. he was behind me, and thus one of the four people in the room who did not see the boob. now my mom, my dad, my grandma, and my grandpa, they all got flashed but nooooooo, coach thunderbutt was behind me, and he didn't see shit so he was still yelling NOOOOOO BABYLON WHAT ARE YOU DOING JUST FINISH THE NELSON! GO FOR THE KILL! BABYLON! BABYLON!
but i did not go for the kill. i stood up and she stuffed her boob back real fast, and we just kind of circled each other awkwardly until time ran out and i won on points. that's not technically allowed, but the ref had some mercy on me.
my coach did not.
i barely had time to sit down before he strode over to the bench to chew me out.
"babylon," he said, in that very calm way people get when they're too pissed to yell. "why didn't you pin?"
and i didn't know how to say well coach, i tried, but there was a boob, and it kept getting in the way, and my mom was watching, and so was my dad, and so was his dad, and his mom, and god (like bible god) and that's a can of worms because i'm pretty sure he was already mad at me, and i'm wearing spandex, and i think i might have to move to siberia, so instead i said
"i uh. i forgot how to do the half nelson."
which is actually impossible. forgetting how to do the half nelson is like forgetting how to swallow your spit.
and he looked at me, like i was the dumbest person in the entire world, and i looked through him like i'd just survived my 250th day in a trench at verdun, and he said: fine.
fine.
but we're all going to practice it for an hour tomorrow because you forgot.
and then he left.
and my buddies had the gall to be salty about it. i got so many comments saying "dude, why didn't you just tell him the truth?" and i said "you can if you care so damn much. you could've wrestled the girl too. maybe someone else should do the hard thing today."
but they didn't. so the next day, we did an hour of half nelson drills, and i spent a decent amount of time getting thrown around the mat, and it was pleasant in exactly the way that i hated and the year after that, to the surprise of everyone but myself, i quit wrestling and joined the trivia team.
and if you want more reasons to love my mom, my grandpa joked after the match that i might have to talk to my bishop about it, and my mom told him he would be allowed to make jokes after he stood in front of a crowd of 110 people in spandex underpants while wrestling a woman that was not his wife.
he paused for almost five seconds after that. then he said: aw. hell. sorry babylon.
and i'd have preferred my apology from god, but getting it from him was pretty good too.
#whew boy this make me anxious just typing it#wrestling#middle school#the dread#i feel like i have to write some stories about my grandpa not being a dick#because he was actually an amazing grandpa#he just had a few goofs are very comedic moments#and you know if you're gonna have a goof making it comedic is a virtue in itself#he was there for me more than a lot of my classmates dads were#and i dont want that undervalued#yeah#babylon-lore
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