#Questioning Identity

[elliott-the-creature]

man I hate my meat suit so much sometimes. it’s so clumsy, it’s legs get so sore sometimes, it’s lungs can’t handle long strenuous exercise or even a brisk run/jog, it’s senses are both too strong and too weak… it doesn’t even look like how I’m supposed to look. it’s got boobs (no hate to boobs I’m just not supposed to have them (plus trans dysphoria goes brrrr)), it has the wrong ears, it has no fur or feathers or scales, it has the wrong shape and size… ugh.

is this what physical alterhumans think of when they think of their human body (talking specifically about non delusional physical alterhumans (no hate to them, I just don’t experience delusions so I can’t relate to them))?? I’m thinking I may be a physical nonhuman, but I know I have a human body, I just don’t identify with it at all, not on any level shape or form. it’s like having to wear a costume all the time—it’s not who I am, even though it’s how I appear to others. idk though!! physical alterhumans, please help! /nf

[bisexualpositivity]

"To any young or newly questioning queer people: you don't have to get it right on your first try, and nobody decides your identity but you. Ask yourself these questions: am I being my truest self? If not, am I happy to leave those parts of myself unexplored? What would make me the most happy and fulfilled? In an ideal life, what would I look like and what kind of people would I be around in 5, 10, 20, 40 years? Only you can answer these questions, and if you don't have a solid answer, experiment! You will find your path."

— Anonymous, Pride 2024: Who We Are 🌈(survey)

[cannibalcoyote]

Matt Smith: Two Face

Imagine filming a fairly violent scene with Matt Smith for House of the Dragon, what happens when you have trouble distinguishing kind-hearted Matt from cruel Daemon:

The scene wasn't supposed to be taking this long, it was meant to be quick, but the director has us repeating it a multitude of times. Something about it not being as good as it could be. I, honestly, couldn't care less how good it was as long as it was over.

My character, though not the most important, plays a role in how Daemon manages to steal the dragon egg and escape to Dragonstone. I was cast as Rhaenyra's younger sister, Seraena, who had quite the different relationship with her uncle. Where Rhaenyra saw freedom and future my character saw terror.

Daemon systematically terrorized Seraena as he viewed her to be unworthy of the Targaryen legacy, unworthy to be the rider of the vicious Cannibal.

Daemon would inflict pain upon her when the option was available, mentally terrorizing her even more-so. These abusive interactions were kept a secret from the rest of the family though, as she was not in the favor of her father or sister; she was alone.

I've been an actress for many years, and oftentimes get stuck in the mindset of my characters, but nothing as severe as with Seraena. I would only notice minor changes, usually just in my vocabulary and way of speaking, but I've become so engrained in this character that it's becoming harder for me to distinguish other actors from their characters. 

The effects are minimal with most others, but with Matt... His character is so cruel and violent that I just can't help it. If Matt raises his hand or makes any quick movements, I can't stop myself from flinching away, and I know he's noticed it as well. The concerned looks, the way his eyes linger when I step away from him, how I suddenly have nothing to say when he joins my conversation.

I try to work through this, write about it, acknowledge how what I'm doing isn't healthy, that I know Matt is a really sweet person in reality; but whenever I see him, I can't help this urge of wanting to turn and run away. How could he have such a sweet expression on his face one second, and then an empty glare the next?

_______

Fingers roughly grasp the wig upon my head, I can tell he's trying to be gentle, but he still has to make the interaction seem realistic.

He had asked me beforehand if I was alright with the physical contact the scene required, I had nodded a 'yes' even though the nausea reminded me constantly how I had wanted to say no.

The scene we were filming has Daemon battering me as a way to gain information pertaining to the dragon egg for Viserys' unborn child. It wasn't the most violent scene to have occurred between our characters, but I would say it was the most emotionally charged. 

Threats of violence slithering from Matt's lips far too smoothly for my mind to distinguish. His hand gripping my neck as his fingers laced through my hair and pulled my head back. He was right behind me, body scarily close as I was sandwiched between him the the stone wall of the castle. I can't remember what I was doing, body running on autopilot; I spoke, but I can't remember if they were my lines or not.

There was a tremor spiraling through my body, settling in my hands as they shakily grasped the hand that strangled my neck. Was I supposed to do that? Would they make me reshoot this scene? 

"Cut!" That resounding word echoes through my mind, lights being turned back on to illuminate the area. The many faces of the other cast members as well as the film crew entered my vision. It was a scene, it was a scene. 

The hands were removed as I turned to look at Matt, that cruel emptiness was gone, replaced by his calm face, eyes looking at me with worry.

"Hey, are you alright?" I couldn't respond, as I had already turned away and began to walk hurriedly towards the bathrooms. My heart felt uneasy, as though the blood being pumped wasn't enough, I felt like I was dying.

I slammed the door shut, leaning forward against the sink as I glared into the mirror.

'You're not her, you're not Seraena, you're Y/N L/N. He's not Daemon, he's Matt! He has never hurt you, this is all for a show.' 

I raise my hand up, touching my neck gently, as though the skin would tear at the slightest contact. The shaking of my hand bringing up an anger I was unsure how to handle. I couldn't contain it, my hands curling around my neck as I glare at my reflection.

My fingers dig into my skin as I drag them down, relishing in the discomfort I experience, but my hands still shake. I hit my wrists against the sink, ignoring the shooting pain as they still shake. Resorting to biting my hand, not letting go until I taste blood.

When I release, I let out an angered yell as the shaking continues. I place one hand against the sink and hit it repeatedly with the other, eliciting a crushing sensation. 

I had no intentions of stopping, but soon realize that my actions are being hindered. Two hands holding my own with a firm grip, halting their violent actions. I look in the mirror and see none other than Matt stood behind me, concern emanating heavily from him. He is speaking to me, I know this because his lips are moving, but what is he saying? What words does he think will help me?

I can't help the torture I'm experiencing, the tears building within my eyes as the feeling in my legs disappears; I would've collapsed had Matt not been there. My sobs were awful, the pain and confusion filling my mind as I was being held and comforted by a man that I could not distinguish.

His arms were strong as they wrapped around my torso, though they were soft, steady. He had lowered us down to the ground gently, cradling me to his chest as we sat on the bathroom floor. His whispers were calming, though I could not tell what was said. 

Was this man the devil? Was he who I feared yet longed for, the man that could free me from deception? Or am I all that I should fear? Do I make my prison with the words I learn, she who lives within porcelain walls that sees enemies in her own reflection?

[tyyjaimiee]

Hello queer and questioning folks! <3

Here is an opportunity for you to figure yourself out! I hope it works for at least someone of you.

In the reblogs of this post, write something you’re questioning or something that made you start questioning. For example, “I am pan but I think I have preferences, chat what am I?” or “Some days my gender matters to me, sometimes I don’t give a fuck about gender. Chat what am I?” or “I love romance but I don’t think I experience it, chat what am I?”.

People that come across this post can assign you a possible sexuality or gender in the tags! Maybe you find out some stuff about yourself! I sure hope sooo 🤞

Best of luck! 🍀✨

[mitch4tune]

My Aroace Journey

Teacher during Sex Ed: You'll all feel sexual attraction at some point. Me, years later, still waiting and panicking: Where is it? *manic chuckle* Wh... Where the hell is it...??

I've only really celebrated Valentine's Day once (aside from exchanging cards with my class in elementary school), so I'll contribute to the aromantic awareness that's been trending on Tumblr by sharing my experience of how I found out I'm aroace.

I first heard of the term "asexual" in an LGBTQ context in September or October of 2020 because of Alastor's sexuality being officially confirmed. "Very interesting! Can't be me," I thought.

I got into researching and asking reddit anyway. I think I determined that I'm ace later that year in October.

In April of 2021, the thought of me possibly being aromantic as well struck me. I hated that thought, telling myself, "I've already had one thing taken away; why do I have to lack something else?!"

(I want to clarify that lacking sexual and romantic attraction doesn't make someone any less of a person.)

Once I accepted that I'd probably never fall in love, I ironically got into a romantic relationship in July and determined that I'm demiromantic. During that relationship, I experienced waking up looking forward to messaging them each day, seeing the world in more saturated colours, and even properly enjoyed my first Valentine's Day date. I'm forever grateful for all of that.

The relationship lasted a little more than a year before I fell out of love (that doesn't mean I don't still love them; I'm just not in love anymore). A year after the breakup, a friend suggested that I could be cupioromantic. I joined the subreddit and described my situation, to which someone recommended I check out r/lithromantic.

I spent a long time feeling like I'd gotten robbed of something again ("Why can I even fall in love if that's going to be taken away after it's returned?"), but I eventually accepted my orientation despite still getting sad about it every now and then.

I speculated on another part of my identity from January to February of 2024. I'm not comfortable saying what it is yet, but I will say that a big part of that ordeal was spent worrying about how my identity would affect other people, which is ridiculous; your identity is part of you; not anyone else.

I only told two people because I felt disgusting for the thought even having crossed my mind randomly. I don't know why, since I'll always speak in favor of people who identify that way. But I still felt that way, no matter how much I reassured myself. No matter how much those two friends reassured me.

I came to the conclusion that it doesn't apply to me (though I'm not putting it completely off the table).

That brings us to now. I'm exhausted. (^ ^ ;) I'll end this off with some memes I saved up while I was still in the closet. Happy Valentine's Day!

[thatkippycat]

Pondering identity on ride to vacation.

Am I otherkin?

Am I therian?

I don't think so rn but I also repress alot.

...

God I want ears and a tail that would be so nice.

[xxx-ang3l-w1th-a-sh0tgun-xxx]

"this user is questioning alter humanity" userbox made by me!! requested by @waywardsou2

feel free to use but keep my username visible ty!!! :3

[reverse-queer-dictionary]

My inbox is empty if anyone wants to send in an ask either about my queer dictionary carrd or want suggestions for labels!

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

historical drama/sitcom where two gay best friends (woman and man) get lavender married--and proceed to spend the Fancy European Honeymoon their parents paid for acting as each other's wingman

[wickedzeevyln]

I, Under the Green Sky

People find it strange when I tell them I teach my TV and mobile devices the following:How to live;How and what to think;What to believe in;What to do;What the standards are;And to become something they are not;But they don’t find it weird when these things manipulate them the other way. It all starts with a disquieting question: Who am I? Where am I going? And the likes. Whatever the answer is,…

[a-flickering-soul]

OTC BIRTH CONTROL APPROVED BY THE FDA

[elliott-the-creature]

wtfff why do I sometimes feel more comfortable using we/us instead of I/me??? I’m not plural but sometimes I just feel like a bunch of random creatures sharing some body (this is definitely amplified by all of my kintypes feeling like whole beings), and plus I have a big disconnect between my brain, my body, and whatever I would call my soul or my “true self”. idk, just some weird thoughts.

also would it be offensive to the plural community if I sometimes used we/us instead of I/me?? maybe it would, but who knows?

[bisexualpositivity]

Join our Tumblr Community!

Want a space to spread queer positivity and ask for advice on topics like questioning your own identity or respecting the identities of others?

Check out Queer Positivity & Advice, our brand new community!

[insomniphic]

I like to think that it was really hard for Telemachus to consider Odysseus as his father despite all of the years he's been titling him as one. It's easier to trust that someone gone will come back, than to actually believe and envelope the fact that they're here.

[jattendschaton]

Ladybug and Chat Noir hosting a podcast where they're going to interview Adrien Agreste and so Adrien has to enlist Félix to pretend to be him and Félix gets to just. Make fun of Adrien to his face and to a national audience. Chat Noir keeps arguing with Félix’s Adrien about his own opinions so the next day all the news is about how much everyone thinks Chat Noir hates Adrien Agreste

[escapetrekker]

Finding Your Place In the World

For a considerable time, I grappled with uncertainties regarding my life’s purpose and pondered my significance within the larger context of the world. This prompted me to formulate a plan of exploring diverse locales, with the intention of discovering environments where I could harmoniously assimilate and briefly relish moments of contentment. This prompts an intriguing question: Do you hold the…