#Princess Bride AU

[bloodysparklez]

wake up babe, hua cheng saying "as you wish" in the new tgcf dub episode just dropped

[zeldaseyebrows]

"Since the invention of the kiss, there have been 5 kisses that have been rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind." -The Princess Bride

The Princess Bride AU ft. the Dread Pirate Tetra and Link as Buttercup the Farm Boy. Cia from HW is Prince Humperdinck of course

(I've had this AU in my head for YEARS, drew one part forever ago, and finally finished these)

[hijacksecrets]

Finally tried out @midoristeashop’s brushes!!! I’m still figuring them out but so far I really like them! >:0

I used my Princess Bride AU to practice the brushes with :>

[lavanderowl]

Trolls x Princess Bride because why not

[zenlosingit]

Posted this on twitter, but I think some of y’all might enjoy some xiancheng princess bride au

[nicki0kaye]

Buttercup!Kallus and then some more canon-compliant long haired variants bc mmmm love that long hair

[fanaticsnail]

Dressrosa: A Summary

"Hello. My name is Trafalgar D Water-Law. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

I need this as a comic. I could write it in a fic, but seeing it illustrated would be beautiful 🥹

Law: "Offer me Berry."

Doffy: "All I have and more."

Law: "Offer me land."

Doffy: "Take my kingdom of Dressrosa."

Law: "Offer me anything I ask for."

Doffy: "Anything. Please."

Law: "...I want Corazon back, you son of a bitch."

(spoilers below for context)

Just a snippet of conversations with @gingernut1314 @feral-artistry @indydonuts @i-am-vita @since-im-already-here @writingmysanity

[friendrat]

My husband has proposed an alternate universe of The Princess Bride, where Humperdink hires the Dread Pirate Roberts to kidnap and kill Buttercup, and I just can't. This is honestly the perfect outcome for them. 😂 Like... Wesley gets the girl, the entire kingdom thinks she's dead, and Humperdink doesn't even try to keep them apart.

[kalee60]

The prince's bride

As SHIELD and Hydra teeter on the edge of a faction war, a brainwashed Soldier, the Winter Prince is an unwitting pawn in a larger game and is forced into a betrothal to one Alexander Pierce. Kidnapped by mercenaries, then rescued by a pirate who is extremely familiar, the Winter Prince starts to regain his memories.

In the course of his adventure’s, he’ll meet Brock - a master tactician who will do anything to get ahead in life; Hulk - a gentle giant; Natasha - the Russian who thirsts for revenge; and Gravik - the skrull mastermind behind it all. Foiling all their plans and jumping into their stories is Steve Rogers, the Soldier's one true love and a very good friend of a very dangerous pirate.

Or the Princess Bride AU that literally no one wanted except me… (and maybe one other person…)

~*~*~

Soooo... I'm back with another adventure - and why the hell not, let's try a princess bride AU. Am I crazy? Probably. Will this work? Who knows. Have I had fun twisting this fic together? Absofuckinglutely.

This is my ultimate love letter to one of my favourite childhood (who am I kidding) adulthood movies - and if it sounds like your kind of adventure... click on in and enjoy a swashbucklingish story full of familiar quotes and two idiots finding their true love.

~*~*~

Part one - click here

[spaceofentropy]

Thank you, @ihni , for the baton! Without further ado, here's my contribution to the Harringrove Relay Race!

It's a little fic (that I'll post on ao3 later, when I'm awake and cosplaying as a functioning human) and that is very cleverly (not really) titled...

A Pirate's Life For Me

Billy's always known he wasn't lucky in life and this, right here, is the culmination of it all.

Not even two months at sea, working his ass off for a meager pay in the hopes of earning enough to exstinguish the debts his father and Chrissy's father put on their shoulders before dying, and his ship gets captured by pirates.

Worse: captured by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who has a reputation as a great swordman and a ruthless bastard who doesn't leave survivors.

Billy did his best in the fight, but he's just a farm boy turned deck swabber, his swordmanship goes very little further than "the handle goes into your hand, the pointy part goes inside the enemy". So now he's kneeling, hands raised, on the deck of the Panthaira, along with the rest of the surviving crew and passengers.

Well, with all the survivors except Captain Loman, who's huddled against the main mast. The Dread Pirate Roberts is crouched in front of the captain and talking to him in a low voice while the captain clearly draws his last breaths, shirt painted a vivid red with the blood gushing from the puncture wounds in his chest. Loman was a petty tyrant, so Billy is not exactly bawling his eyes out at the prospect of the captain being gone soon. It's just the principle of the thing that counts. The Panthaira has been captured, and, to put it mildly, Billy is fucked.

There are too many pirates keeping them under threat of more stabbing, and also no damn place to go even if he were able to escape the ship. They're in the middle of the ocean, nothing but water in every direction for hundred if not thousands of miles.

So Billy stays where he is.

And looks either at the back of the Dread Pirate Roberts or at the slow rising and falling of Loman's chest.

He waits and hates how his arms are getting heavier and heavier by the second. Soon, he'll be dead and, back home, Chrissy will have to mourn her best friend too, not just her parents.

Captain Loman's chest at last goes still and Roberts extends a careful, gloved hand to close the man's unseeing eyes, before turning towards his prisoners in one swift, elegant movement.

Robert's dressed all in black and wearing a mask, just like the stories say. He has long brown hair tied in a low pony tail, and dark eyes that sweep the crew and passengers of the Panthaira like he can weigh the wort of each of them with just one look.

Billy lets his hands fall down, tired of this charade. If he's gonna die anyway, what good comes from obeying? Might as well die with some feeling left in his arms.

Someone shouts at Billy to raise his hands again and he just ignores him. Roberts is walking their way, his steps slow and his attention pointedly fixed on cleaning blood off the blade of his sword.

Somewhere behind Billy, a woman starts weeping. One of the crew members pleads for his life. Another offers all the money he's got to be spared.

Bunch of cowards.

Roberts stops in front of Billy, ignores everyone else.

"You're not pleading," he says in such a voice and cold tone that the people around them fall silent, too scared of what's happening.

"I don't plead."

"Aren't you scared, boy?"

"To death."

Roberts grins. It makes the moles on his cheek dance.

"Should I bestow on you the sweet mercy of death, then, or not?"

Billy licks his lips and grins back.

"You should let me live, sir."

"And why should I make an exception?"

That's the true problem. Both Billy and Roberts know it, judging by the predatory look in his eyes.

Why, indeed.

"True love?" Billy tries.

Roberts laughs.

"She must be an exceptional lay, to make you believe someone will let you live only so that you'll be able to bed her again!"

"Wouldn't know, I've never wanted to fuck my best friend. Is there truest, purest love than the one that's never been tainted by lust or carnal needs?"

The Dread Pirate Roberts laughs even more and then shakes his head.

"Unbelievable," he says in a stage whisper. "What's your name, boy?"

"Billy."

"Well, Billy, I find myself in sudden need of a personal attendant." Roberts pauses for a beat, cocks his head to the side. Predatory is now an understatement for the look in those dark eyes. "Do a good job and one day you'll be able to return home to your best friend. Do a bad job, and your friend will never see you again. Are you interested in the position?"

Billy grits his teeth and never lets his gaze waver from Roberts.

The decision is so simple he doesn't even need to think about it. He nods and Roberts smiles.

Billy doesn't know what's in his future, but he'll do all he can to survive whatever Roberts throws his way and then return home. His best friend is waiting for him.

And with this, my installment of the race is done and it's time to head over to @liverditty in an hour for his contribution! I can't wait to see what he created for this beautiful event! In the mean time, thank you for reading, fair tumblr users, and thanks for organizing this, @harringrove-relay-race ! ❤️

[spicy-dumbass]

A silly little princess bride au shadowmoon. Protection for the Fire bingo card - @mcyt-femslash

I really wanted to have our cringefail girlie to be Westley but I couldn't decide on who could be buttercup, so I settled for Pearl!! I do love their dynamic and having Lizzie be the one to save a more competent life series player amuses me so much

[princessyuwa]

Nesta × Cassian Princess Bride AU

[starrcrossrose]

Prince(ss) Bride AU, anyone???

My good friend @/star_sparkler on Twitter planted this idea in my head so now, here we are. I might draw more of this for fun 👀💙🤍 anyway, I’m a sucker for LeoSagi anything, hope you guys enjoy 😂

.

Here are some close ups, too!

[familyofpaladins]

You ever just get stuck by the silliest au idea and then suddenly its consumed your mind?

Anyway TMNT Princess Bride au

Most characters taken from the 2003 series, but personality of turtles might be closer to Rise series

(I wrote this in the notes of my phone so forgive typos and weird thought process lol)

Casey is buttercup. April is westly (Originally, and what inspired this whole thing. Was that karai was buttercup and Chapman was westley lol)

The turtle bros work for stockman (bishop?) Because he says he has he will help them find their father's killer. A man who has 3 scars along his chin.

Casey just a simple farmer (oh my god. The farm house) with April there to help feed chickens and milk cows and such and such (Would she only say as you wish?? Would she be that submissive? Idk. Maybe she would as long as he promised not to call her babe lol) (LMAO HER PHRASE IS DONT CALL ME BABE INSTEAD OF AS YOU WISH LOLOLOL)

Eventually she goes off to maybe get soem schooling or soemthing. But her ship gets [sunk/destroyed] by the Dread Pirate Krang. April doesn't return and after years Casey believes she died.

Then the local royalty happens to pass by and the princess (karai)(who is told needs to find a husband so she can finally become queen) decides to make Casey her groom.

Casey still in a depressive gloom doesnt do much to reject her.

One day when Casey is out on a run (one of his few joys) he gets kidnapped by 4 demihuman turtles . :D

But then. A stranger begins to follow them. A (wo)man in black

I've mostly been going from 03 inspiration of character. But the turtles might be a little more Rise based.

Leo is inigo foil. The master swordsman. And the banter. "You seem a decent fellow, I hate to kill you" "you seem a decent fellow. I hate to die" I am not left handed. He Asks april "ever seen a man with 3 scars along his chin?" "Do you ask everyone that question?

Raph is Fezzik . Big. The muscle. (Kind) Mikey doesnt have a direct foil. May have his own individual fight with april or possibly works with raph. The muscle and taunting words and stuff idk

Stockman is arrogant and thinks hes the smartest around. Accepts April's challenge.

Don is there to keep a hold on Casey. (He plays the game a long in his mind that it doenst actually take any posion). Once stockman is dead, Don just asks for th truth about what happen to the rest of his brothers, April tells him they are just knocked out and will be fine. He says he doenst really care about keeping casey as they were just doing it to work with stockman and well he's dead so no point. Bye crazy smart lady and sad prince to be. And he leaves to meet up with his brothers.

Cue april trying to lead casey away and him being like. Oh you're the pirate that killed the love of my life! Blah blah blah so you can shove it babe!

*falling down hill* doooon't caaaaaall me baaaaaaabe! Oh my sweet april ehat have I done!? *throws self down cliff*

They go through the forest (lmao splinter as rous) (not actually but the image is funny)

And Karai and her advisor Oroku Saki meet them and casey begs her to let april go instead of killing her.

April notes that the advisor has 3 scars a long his chin. That's right. Shredder is what's his face and killed splinter. (Sorry splints. You had to die in this au)

April is taken to Bishop who experiments on his death machine. Just doing his job and having fun with his toys.

BUT

shredder shows up when he learns about the demihumans and asks too many questions about the demi humans shes ever encountered. (Theres a small but decent population in the kingdom) but especially that turtles she encountered last. April doesn't care (she does but more concerned about casey) and asks instead about casey and telling him shes never going to stop.

Karai may or may not visit April… idk. But honestly she doesnt really care about marrying casey but she needs to in order to get the crown.

Anyway its shredder who throws a hissy fit and cranks up the machine "killing" april

Meanwhile the turtles have regrouped but leo is super depressed because he failed and now theh have no lead on their father's killer. Brothers eventually pull him out of it.

They hear aprils cry?? They want "the woman in black" to help them??

Idk they go look for her

("Father guide my sword" is SUCH a thing Leo would do and the humor of it hitting the tree then opening the door is peak tmnt.)

Oh no shes dead

Enter miracle max. I mean the ancient one."she is only MOSTLY dead"

Tang shen: "I'm not a witch! I'm your daughter!" (Maybe. This might change)

They all have to push raph on the cart to break into the castle. Hun is the door keeper lol

Leo goes after shredder. Raph is hauling April around. Ikd what mikey and don are doing exactly. Maybe they split off to look for karai and/or casey

Leo: RAPH!! RAAAAPH. HE'S GETTING AWAY! RAPH

Raph: sighs and puts april down carefully and goes knocks down the door for leo. Comes back to everyone gone. "Now whered everybody go??"

April somehow gets to Casey's room. Casey is thrilled.

Karai shows up… idk. Ask why she really is doing this. Is it what she really wants? Or is it just what shredder has convinced her she needs to do (marry become queen go to war and take over other kingdoms)

Karai seems to consider it (maybe) but still cant have her groom just be carted off. April says okay let's fight then. I've taken on demihimans and been dead and came back, you really want to fight?

Karai considers and concedes. They tie her up so it doesnt look like she just wlt them go.

Karai let's them all leave and ends up marrying one of the chamber men[squire/stable boy/man servant] (is that a real term???) Chapman.

Leo don and mikey all catch up and somehow raph went and found them all horses to ride out on. Happily ever after

Cody is the grandson. Hamato yoshi/splinter is the grandfather

[youleavethetardisbrakeson]

Something, something, Princess Bride AU...

A young Corlys and Rhaenys are madly in love and want to be married. Maybe Jezzy disapproves or wants her to marry Viserys instead. Corlys, an accomplished sailor, must prove himself and show he is worthy of marrying the princess. He sets off on a voyage to far eastern Essos, the first of its kind for a Westerosi, in search of fame and fortune.

Before he leaves, he promises Rhaenys that he will come back from the ends of the earth for her. She declares her love in return and promises that she will wait for him.

But somewhere near Asshai, pirates attack his ship. Reports say that a man called the Sea Snake captured and killed most of the crew. Corlys is said to have been killed by a dagger to the throat and thrown overboard.

Rhaenys won't believe it at first, but months go by without any word or sign of Corlys. His family finally loses hope and believes him dead. They hold a funeral on Driftmark, casting an empty stone casket into the sea.

Rhaenys swears she will never love again.

Vaemond becomes heir to Driftmark. A few years go by, and without any better marriage prospects for the princess, Jaehaerys is finally able to wear everyone down and get his way – Rhaenys and Viserys are to be wed.

Rhaenys is miserable. As fond as she is of her cousin, she does not wish to marry him. The princess often sneaks out of the Keep to walk along the docks and beaches of King's Landing, dressed in plainclothes. Rhaenys revisits the places Corlys showed her when they were courting. She befriends a few codwives, fishermen, and sailors; asks them about Essos in futile hope for some word of her love actually being alive. Some sailors tell stories of the Sea Snake and his amassing fleet. Rhaenys' blood boils every time she hears the pirate's name and wishes she could feed the man to Meleys.

One evening, Rhaenys is grabbed by a few men and dragged, kicking and screaming, aboard a ship docked in the harbor. They disarm her of the weapons she has hidden on her person. Her dragon is far away in the pit and is not able to reach her quickly.

A masked man, cloaked in shadow, greets her and introduces himself as the Sea Snake. Rhaenys is furious, spitting venom at him.

The man, almost amused, asks what he has done to deserve such words from a princess.

"You killed my love," she declares, her eyes burning.

The man laughs and says he's done no such thing. Last he checked, Prince Viserys is very much alive and well. He congratulates her on their impending nuptials.

"No," the princess declares. "You killed Corlys Velaryon. The greatest sailor Westeros has ever known. He was bold and brave and... perfect."

She is lost in thought for a moment, but then, her gaze snaps back up to him, accusing.

"On the Jade Sea by Asshai, your ship attacked. I've heard the stories; the Sea Snake takes no prisoners."

"I can't afford to make exceptions," he says with a shrug. "I have a reputation to uphold."

"You mock my pain!" Rhaenys bites out.

His eyes turn to steel. "Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."

A silent tear rolls down the princess' face in answer.

"He died well, if that brings you any consolation," the Sea Snake says casually. "No bribe attempts or blubbering."

He ponders for a moment.

"He simply said, 'Please, I need to live.' I asked him what was so important. 'True love,'" the pirate quotes with a scoff.

Rhaenys' eyes close in despair, her heart aching.

"And he spoke of you, dear princess," the Sea Snake admits. "A woman of exceptional beauty and faithfulness." The last word is laced with poison. "You should thank me for killing him before he found out who you really are."

Fire ignites in Rhaenys' eyes.

"And what am I?!" she demands.

"Faithfulness, my lady," the pirate repeats bitterly, the unsaid accusation hanging between them. "He spoke of your unwavering faithfulness!"

He steps closer, looming. "Now tell me truly, when you found out he was gone, did you get engaged to your prince in the same hour, or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?"

The slap across his face echos against the walls of the cabin.

"You mock me once, never do it again!" Rhaenys cries. "I died that day!"

The Sea Snake stands there silently, shocked not by her force, but by her words. He takes a step forward.

"You can die too for all I care," she spits out, shoving him away.

A large hand catches her wrist. The princess tries to wrench free of his grasp, but it is too strong.

"Rhaenys," he whispers softly.

Her eyes, blurry with tears, look up at his face.

He swallows thickly as he pulls the mask from his face.

"I came back from the ends of the earth for you."

[bleedingcoffee42]

Speirton Princess Bride AU

Wrote it to get it out of my head, as always. Just a Speirton Drabble. Lip and Ron on work-cation in Scotland and a weekend of child custody for Sparky.

“Carwood, it’s Ron.”

“Ron, it's midnight, everything okay?”  Carwood was working on some engineering schematics and the call so late at night was never a good thing.   

“Yeah, since when do you actually sleep?  You are always up.   That ‘life is fun’ philosophy.  Three hours.”  

“I wasn't asleep, just concerned about getting a phone call this late.  Typically it means you are in trouble.”  Carwood didn’t need to add that they were in Scotland and nobody was calling them anyway.

“No, nothing like that.  I need a favor.”

“Did you kill someone?” Lip asks flatly.

“No.”

“Okay shoot.”  Lip says and sighs.  Wrong choice of words with that man.

There was a snort of amusement and then, “My son can't sleep. Can you tell him a quick story?  He says my stories suck, well in British so it sounds more polite,  after camping with you and the boys he insists your stories are better “

“Since when do you tell stories?“  Carwood asks, 

“I told him about the Mercedes in Austria.  And about Sergeant Smith.   And…”

“Yeah, put him on the phone.”  Carwood says and pinches his nose.  He should have known Ron ‘I’ll inspire you by telling you you’re already dead’ Speirs would not be equipped with child friendly stories.

“Hi Uncle Carwood.”

“Hey Bobby, can't sleep huh?  That have anything to do with your Dad’s stories?”

“You tell them better.   He said you held the men together in the Bois Jacques.”

Lip rolls his eyes and sits down to think of a more appropriate story for a five year old.  Stories come easy to him and it’s actually a welcome relief from staring at schematics of an old glass factory.  “Well, your Dad will never tell you this but he’s a hero.    Saved me and the rest of the guys from Prince HumperDike.”

“Hump or die?”

“No, HumperDike.  Foxhole Norman.   The incompetent Prince of the City of York II.”

“Like the story about putting your finger in a hole to stop the water…”

Lip pinches his nose.    Nobody would believe him that this kid took after his father who was a chatterbox when drunk or friendly.  

“Can you just come over and read it to me?”

Lip shook his head.  Just like his father, perceptive as hell.  He heard Ron in the background, cursing up a storm in Scottish and just decided if his son already figured out they were on vacation together then it was best just to tell the kid a story in person.  “Give me a few minutes to get there, make some tea for me okay?”

“Yay!!!”

And the receiver was slammed down and presumably a five year old British child was now wide awake at the prospect of making tea properly for his father and ‘friend’ in anticipation of story time.   Ron was going to be ready to explode when he got there.

Xxxxx

The door opened and little Robert Speirs was there with a cup of tea and Ron Speirs was behind him holding the door looking like he had just been informed he was being court martialed for fraternizing.  Carwood took the tea, ruffled up Bobby’s head of hair he definitely inherited from his Dad, and gave Ron’s shoulder a firm squeeze.  

‘What does he know?’ Ron mouthed silently.

‘He’s five.  He knows you’re happy around me.   Do not interrogate the child.’

Ron gives him a frown and Bobby is already wandering around the living room chattering about what he thinks Prince HumperDike is going to do and calling him a slew of insults from ‘numpty’ to ‘wanker’.

The door to the English flat Ron is renting closes and Carwood immediately snaps his fingers and points to the boy’s bedroom.  “This is a bedtime story, you need to be in bed young man.”

Bobby defates a little, Uncle Carwood is bossy.   Dad lets him get away with everything on account of him only seeing him once or twice a year.  “Yes,  sir.”

“Thank you for the tea, Bobby.”  Carwood says and the boy lights up.   “Did I ever tell you I used to sell it as a kid? Door to door?”

“How does that even work?”  Ron asks.  A door to door tea salesman?  In West Virginia?

“I lived in town, Ronald, not the mountains.”  Carwood reminds him, seeing his face.  

“Is it so you could throw it in the harbour?”  Bobby asks.  “Your American tea is bitter and weak.”

“He is definitely your son.”  Carwood mumbles to Ron and points to the bedroom.  “Bed.  Don’t think I can’t see what you’re trying to do.”

“Yes, sir.”

And off goes young Speirs, leaving Carwood to give Ron a look that says ‘your poor mother, this child is a replica of you’.

“I was her favorite.”  Ron whispers, answering his silent statement.  “Still am.”

“Mmm.” Lip hums and Ron gives him a grin.

“Thank you for coming.”

“He’s five.  You’re his Dad.  You’re his hero.  He is just looking for reasons to explain why you’re not with his Mom anymore.”  Carwood explains.

“We explained…” Ron begins and Carwood puts a finger on his lips to stop him.

“He’s five.” Carwood repeats.  “He doesn’t understand any of that, just that you let him get away with everything.  You spoil him.  You have fun.   He’s trying to understand why you live a world away and kids are perceptive as hell.   Especially yours.   Relax.”

Ron does, because Carwood always manages to be his calming influence.  “Prince HumperDike, huh?” 

“Get the tea, come tuck your son in and let me tell my story.”  Carwood says and leaves it at that.

“Yes, sir.” Ron says and Lip gives him an admonishing look for how he said it.

Xxxx

Carwood sits in an antique chair and opens up a book of horribly traumatizing fairy tales and pretends to read from it.   Little Robert Speirs is in bed and staring, another trait picked up from his Dad.   “Where were we?”

“Dad saved you from Prince HumperDike.”

“Ah yes, the Frozen Forest of Foy.”   Carwood says and pretends to read from the book but Bobby is more than aware he’s making it up.  Ron is seated on the foot of the bed, eyes fixed on him, not unlike his son.  “Understand names have been changed for classified army reasons.”

“My lips are sealed.” Bobby says.

Carwood nods, also like his father who could keep a secret to his grave unless the right person came along and then he was a flood of information like a damn broke.   Carwood feels a small smirk pull at his lips and knows Ron catches it.    But he continues, “Sergeant ButterBars was looking at the town of Foy with a pair of binoculars gifted to him from an officer he greatly admired.  A legend– The Dread Paratrooper Sparky.”

Ron snorted and got a look from both the kid and the storyteller.  Okay, so now he was going to get reprimanded. “Sorry.”

“These binoculars were special, they were loot captured on one of his many trips across the dangerous land between the forest and the town. A snow blanketed farm field, where it would rain iron and lead.    It was this field, Sergeant ButterBars was now looking at, worried for the men he would try to cross it with.

“The problem was that they had lost a great leader and had yet to find his replacement.   King Richard of Lancaster still watched over them, but due to his position was unable to lead his people into war again.   His queen, the Queen of Scotch, much like in chess, was able to move for him, shuffling pieces on the board so when the inept Prince HumperDike failed there would be a hero to save his people.    ButterBars did not know the details, and went to see the King late at night to express his concern for the people of Toccoa.”

Ron chuckled again and this time it was his son staring daggers at him.  “Sorry.”

“Prince HumperDike was well connected, chosen to fill the void of a man accidentally attacked by his own men for not knowing the secret password.  HumperDike was from the city where the Queen was born, and went to the same school, so ButterBars concerns were already on the minds of the royal couple.  But you can’t just remove a Prince from his command, can you?”

“No.”  Bobby said.  “Got to kill him.”

Just like his father.  Lip shakes his head to say that is not the right answer.  Bobby frowns.  Just like his damned father.  “So ButterBars looked across that frozen tundra of death and thought about tales of old, war stories of men marching across open fields and being killed by artillery a mile away.   And they had already lost so many good men to the exploding trees of the Forest.   He felt that maybe, just maybe, he could encourage the Prince to come out of his hiding spot and just move across the field fast.  Move from mound of hay to mound of hay, just give the orders to let the people do the job they knew how to do.   It wasn’t going to be the case though, HumperDike froze like so many of the men in the forest.  He froze out of fear though, and the attack came to a halt.”

“Oh no.”  Bobby said.

“It was brutal, but the Queen was prepared.  The King was fretting, thinking about running out and saving his people but he could not abandon the rest of his kingdom.  The Dogs and the Foxes still needed him to be their King or they would suffer the same fate as his men in those fields.   He turned and there was the Dread Paratrooper Sparky, ready to save the day.”

“Where did he come from?”  Bobby asks.

“Sparky was once a pawn but he had crossed the board and now was eligible for promotion just like in chess.  So Queen Jersey had made him a Queen piece to enable him to go anywhere he wanted, or was needed.”

“What piece was Butterbars?” Bobby asks and glances at the chess board on his desk, his Dad was trying to teach him how to play.

“Butterbars was a knight, limited range but tactical in moves and thinking.”  Carwood explains.

“Why was the Dread Paratrooper a pawn then?” Bobby’s eyes return to his, staring intensely and needing answers.

“He built a reputation around being the toughest and meanest man from Toccoa.  In battle he was always willing to sacrifice himself.    Everyone noticed.    Nobody considered him a pawn in the derogatory sense, but a man who was the first to start an attack, and could go anywhere.   He was an aggressive pawn, always looking forward and capturing pieces.   He had already established himself as someone who was going to cross the board and take a larger role, but chose to lurk in the outer edges and wait for his time.   Now, he was there for us, the men of Toccoa.  And he was running out to knock over the piece HumperDike represented and take over the board.”  Carwood explains and Bobby is clearly taking mental notes.   

“Are you, I mean, is Butterbars his king?”

Both he and Ron gave the kid a look for his slip up and Bobby just smiled at them sweetly.   

Ron answers this time, “The King is a piece of the board that is the reason the other pieces move, but is unable to move far.  His capture ends the game, without the King the empire crumbles.   The King appears to be shackled to its role, but represents leadership, power and protection.  It is his subjects who must act, who are inspired by his presence and power, who will gladly sacrifice themselves for his safety.  The pawn is a representative of the soldier, the frontline defense of those who are so valuable to winning the game.   To emerge from the trenches as an officer, as a royal piece, well that is quite the feat.  But to earn the seat beside a King, it’s a show they have earned the role through their strategy and versatility.  That the hands moving the pieces have seen them worthy of a board of their own.   And that is what King Richard and his brilliant Queen saw that day–two individuals worthy of taking over their old kingdom.”

Carwood smiled, knowing the way he was looking at Ron was not in any way lost in the impressionable young Speirs.   

“Or so I think, but this isn’t my story.” Ron says and shrugs.

Carwood licks his lips and clears his throat to crush down a laugh.   “So now Dread Paratrooper Sparky is running across the fields, dodging fire eruptions from the earth and iron from the sky.   No fear, unflinching.   He arrives with the King’s decree, HumperDike is relieved of duty and he’s taking over!”

“Oh.”  Bobby says disappointed.  “That’s it?  That’s all of the story?”

“Oh no.  He was just getting started.” Carwood sits back in the chair and Bobby looks thrilled that the story isn’t close to ending.   “Sparky takes over and immediately starts issuing instructions.   ‘Take out that house, halt that flanking attack, let’s go..follow me.’  ButterBars is momentarily stunned, not just by this turn of events, but because Sparky keeps touching his arm.”

“What does that mean?” Bobby asked.  “Is this some American thing?   Are they going to kiss? Is this one of those kissing books?”

Carwood smirks and looks at Ron.  “Well, it turns out the Dread Paratrooper Sparky was not the meanest, heartless man he wanted everyone to believe he was.  It turns out he was just looking for the right kingdom to call his after traveling through the lands of ParaDice.  He had not been appreciated by Charlie Horses, or Dogs or even the Airborne Council of Elders.   Well, when the sun rose that day his destiny was revealed to him.  You see, Dread Paratrooper Sparky had been marked with the Sacred Scar.  Right on the butt, like God himself spanked him for being an idiot who liked to swim across the dangerous river at night.”

“Your arse!?!”  Bobby exclaimed and looked at his father.  “You have the mark!”

“How does the kid know that?”  Carwood asks.

“He asked if I ever got shot in the war.”  Ron shrugged.

“Yes, your father is marked.  Destined to be a leader of the finest bunch of men that ever was assembled.”  Carwood answers and Bobby’s eyes are glowing with admiration.  “Just like Dread Paratrooper Sparky.   Who toppled HumperDike’s chess piece and didn’t stop there.   The whole company was moving forward now and the occupants of Foy were starting to withdraw.    Communication was poor and there were some men who didn’t know they had support.  So, to tell them Sparky ran out in front of the enemy, through their lines and right over to where those men were trapped on the other side of the wall.”

“No way.”

“And..” Carwood says, “As if that wasn’t the most insane thing ButterBars had ever seen, Sparky jumped over that wall and ran back through the lines to return to those men he just saved from HumperDike’s incompetence.   The enemy was prepared this time, firing on him, trying to move a tank to get to him, but they weren’t prepared for how fast Sparky could run.   He had earned a medal from his home kingdom of Masshole for his speed and agility, prior to the great war.  And so he returned, inspiring the men and turning the tides of the battle.  Earning his place among the men he so desperately wanted to join from the beginning.”

Bobby smiled.

Carwood closed the book.  “And that is the end of that chapter, you need to go to bed.”

“Awwww….”

“Nope.’ Carwood says. “If you want to hear the rest of it, you go to bed and I’ll come back tomorrow to tell you about the royal proposal, ButterBars sickness and how Sparky found the healing potion.  The story does not end there.”

“Promise?” 

“I promise.” Carwood says and ruffles the kid’s hair again and puts the book down and turns out the light.  “But it is way past your bedtime.”

“Yes, sir.  Thank you for coming Uncle Carwood.”  Bobby says as he lays down and his Dad tucks him in.  “You should stay and drink your tea, it’s late and you shouldn’t have to drive home because of me.”

“Thank you, for thinking of my safety.”  Carwood says dryly and leaves the room, “Goodnight, Bobby.”

Ron kisses the kid on the forehead and whispers, “You’re not subtle.”

“Neither are you.”

With that he rolls his eyes and says “Goodnight” as he closes the door.  Carwood is ready to start laughing and he carries his cup of tea into the kitchen and sips from it.  “You might as well stay the night.  Clearly I’m doing a shit job of convincing a five year old I’m not here on vacation with you.”

“He’s playing you.  Trying to force your hand.”  Carwood says and a hand goes to his lower back and he turns and says, “You can go one weekend without me in your bed.”

“He’s not the only one who can’t sleep.” Ron says, a whisper in Carwood’s ear and he gets an admonishing look.  

“You’ll live.”  Carwood strikes him down.  “He’s too young for you to understand this and way too young  to be burdened by that kind of secret.   Just plan on dinner tomorrow.  I do have work to get done while we are here.”

Ron frowns but understands, gives Lip a pat on the ass and shits down to drink his tea.  “Fine.  I’ll see you tomorrow.  Thank you for coming over.”

“Go to bed, Ron.” Lip can’t resist running his hand through his hair once before he leaves.  “Sweet dreams.”

“Mmm.” Ron says as that hand runs down his face, along his jaw, and a thumb rolls over his lips.  Before he can suck it, Lip takes it away, leaving only a frown on his lips.  “Tease.”

“I’ll make it up to you, always do.”